#like not to be dramatic but this is fucking exhausting

[mykoreanlove]

Evaluation

Minho’s head fell back on the silky cushion.

He was exhausted, but utterly happy. You were still on your knees, sucking him off delicately for the third time this weekend. 

He clasped his hands behind his head and watched you giddily - his eyes observed your red nails gliding around his shaft, the spit drooling from your pretty mouth as well as your sticky hair that was glued to your forehead. 

He listened to your vibrant moans, wishing to capture this moment for eternity. 

He had no idea how you did it but you put him under a spell. Every touch of yours ignited a fire within him, one that could never be extinguished. 

Minho had a lot of experience, knowing a thing or two about sex but he had never encountered someone like you. Someone so sexy and devout, confident yet submissive. 

He swore he could have seen stars as he came into your pretty mouth, covering your throat with his warm cum. You wiped away the spit as you released him, looking up at him with your big doll eyes. 

Sex was messy, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

You collapsed onto his broad chest as you came back to your senses, it didn’t take him a second to embrace you in the tightest hug known to mankind.

„Kitten“, he whispered softly. 

„Hmm“, you mumbled into his chest. You felt his whole body vibrating from laughter. 

„You are anything but ordinary, you know that? My little sex queen.“

„Sex queen?“, your head shot up confused.

„Yeah.“, he nodded. „I’ve never been fucked like that before.“

Your irritation was visible on your face. Minho had intended to compliment you, however he brought up an old wound of yours. 

„Kitten, what’s wrong? Did I offend you?“, he asked concerned.

You got up and rolled off him, walking to the other side of the room. Minho followed you hastily, your reaction made him anxious. 

„Hey, talk to me“, he demanded softly.

Your eyes were filled with tears. Even though the incident happened years ago, it still had the same dramatic effect on you.

„Can I hug you?“

You nodded your head, too ashamed to say a word.

Minho threw his arms around you, holding you completely naked under the moonlight.

„You wanna tell me what’s wrong?“

You took a deep breath as you recollected your first time ever.

„It’s about me losing my virginity back then. I was with this guy and he was way older than me and naturally the sex was awful. I was nervous and clumsy and sometimes it really hurt and I asked him to stop. In the end, he came but I didn’t and it was just horrible.“, you explained flatly.

„I’m so sorry, Kitten. I wish your first time had been special.“, Minho said as he placed a kiss on your forehead.

„Oh no, that’s not the traumatizing part, Min.“, you shook your head. 

„It’s not?“

„No. That part came the next day when I woke up and he was gone. But you know what he had left me? A list.“

„A list?“, Minho asked confused.

You nodded. „A motherfucking list.“

„What was it about?“

Flashbacks of you reading each point found their way back into your consciousness, making you shiver with disgust. And yet, ten years later you were still able to recite every single point from that list.

„It’s a list about my sex skills. Or rather lack thereof.“

Minho’s eyes widened in shock, still not fully comprehending what you were saying. 

„Kitten?“

You let out a deep sigh.

„Point one. Be sexier. Don’t be so quiet. Moan and scream. Point two. Your head game needs a lot of work. Look it up. Point three. Don’t act awkward. You’re not a virgin anymore. Point four. You need to get better at shaving. He actually put a smiley at the end of that sentence.“, you rolled your eyes while recollecting.

Minho’s jaw hit the floor as he was too stunned to speak.

„Point five. Don’t tell a guy to stop when he’s getting into it. It ruins the mood. Point six. Don’t be shy. It’s not sexy. And last but not least. Point seven. Get on your knees if I ask you to. My pleasure comes first.“

Hundreds of thoughts were rushing through Minho’s head right now. His blood was boiling, as he could feel his whole body getting hotter and hotter. What kind of jerk had the audacity to insult you like that?!

„You know, don’t get me wrong. I know that my first time sucked and I was very eager to learn. Like, I wanted to get better at sex. But his way of communicating that? I felt so small and disgusting. I gave my body to him, for the first time ever, and he critiqued me like a fucking ballet recital. And you know the funniest thing?“

You looked up at Minho, expectancy in your eyes.

Minho on the other hand just looked at you, trying his hardest to calm down. 

„That stupid list even had a name. A name!“, you laughed manically. „Can you guess it?“

Minho’s face turned white as he realized what it had to be called. 

„How to become a sex queen.“, you snorted. „Ain’t that funny.“ 

#mykoreanlove #skz scenarios #skz imagines #stray kids imagines #stray kids x you #lee know soft hours #skz lee know #lee know x you #lee know angst #lee know smut #lee know scenarios #lee know imagines #lee know fluff #lee know x reader #skz lee minho #skz smut #skz angst #stray kids smut #stray kids angst #stray kids lee know #minho stray kids #skz x y/n #skz x you #lee know x y/n #lee know comfort #lee know oneshot #skz x reader #skz fluff #stray kids au #skz minho

[lem0nademouth]

something so insidious abt left wing antisemitism is that its all psychological mind games and manipulation and denial and gaslighting and making you question your own perception of reality. like its not enough to hate jews, no, you have to resolve your own cognitive dissonance about being a leftist who hates jews by victim blaming and outright lying. you cannot sit in your own discomfort and acknowledge that you have work to do, so you make it our problem. you slit our throats and force us to apologize for bleeding on you.

#antisemitism #judeophobia #judenhass #like not to be dramatic but this is fucking exhausting #i want a break #im gonna pull an agatha christie and fake my own disappearance

[u3pxx]

college is a fucking circus are they kidding me. am i being played for a fool. is some higher being fucking pissed off at me whats going ON

#read all of this as lighthearted i like being dramatic when i complain wheezes #but also WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!!!!! #im angry again FGHDJK #maybe i wont be i dont like being angry. its so exhausting #me when my prof said i could pass my plate on another day bc i asked for an extension bc i was sick and then i try to pass it that day + #but the sub bin was closed and was not accepting any new submissions and she never replied back when i asked her abt it + #and then when i asked about it NOW she replies “i wont be accepting any late plates” #HOLY SHIT GIRL. IM GONNA TURN INTO NONBINARY HARRY DU BOIS SHGFDGHDJ #fuck this school fr DFGGHJD #NO FREAKING GRACE AT ALLLL

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things???? #i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk ! #be nice its so easy ! #tbd

[subconsciousmysteries]

I hate it when some people social 8s feel entitled to your loyalty and obedience because they have simply decided that they are your protector and defender regardless of what you have to say about it.

Sometimes said people social 8s do genuinely good things for you. Sometimes they really do defend and protect you. I mean, the the theme of social 8s barging into your life and do-gooding for you without your consent is always the same... but sometimes you fall for it because you're like "meh this is alright, she's being helpful" also I can tell shes a psychotic madwoman and I can't be bothered dealing with the tantrum she will throw if I try to set any boundaries at all.

HOWEVER had you known why the social 8 was doing these favors for you -- so that they could hold it over your head later and use it to make you do horrible things, including but not limited to: turning away from people you love because they said so, being their emotional or physical punching bag, having sex with them -- you never would have let them do anything good for you at all.

You would have rather suffered and died at the hands of all the things they "protected" you from, actually. That's how cruel and disgusting these people are.

Yes such people exist. They are real. They are social 8s. They embody everything you hate about 2s with none of the positives.

#Soc 8 #Social 8 #enneagram 8 #Some soc 8s have made really uncalled for over the top displays of Protecting me that made me uncomfortable and didn't actually do shit #To protect me #in fact sometimes there was nothing to protect me from #They were just playing the 2 game where they wanted to make me owe them love and loyalty so they imagined an enemy for me and larped #When soc 8s play the 2 game it is 100x times more transparent and ridiculous and dramatic #And terrifying #Fuck social 8s #worst breed of people #By the way many feminists follow the soc 8 pattern in the way they behave towards women as a whole #Its disgusting #Oh these sort of 8s always curse 9s as well they're like YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES!!!111 #boundaries are a two way street #If you want people to set boundaries with you (and you don't because you're an entitled psycho) you have to create an environment #Where doing so is safe and invited. not exhausting and terrifying #Don't exhaust urself helping people without their consent it's literally this simple #But if the soc 8s looked deep down they'd see that their defense protection and help is not about helping people at all #Helping People tm is their method of raping and pillaging #Literally #complain Abt this post being mean all you want #If you experienced it you know.

[anirudhpisharody]

.

#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much #it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with #i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown #friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any #close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it #would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely #i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with #other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too! #it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes #it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know #like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk #to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that #i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that #it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have #more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i #don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so #they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine #wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine #and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom #which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn #anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed #i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight #shut up hanna

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

i dont think doctor who takes enough advantage of all the weirdness in history

#it's always dramatic recognisable event + aliens #what about THIS #anyway 13 would ask yaz out like this i think #yaz staring at a piece of paper for 5 minutes deciphering a fucking rebus. looks up finally. sees 13 watching her like :) #shes like Sigh. well how can i say no when you made such an effort #and 13 is like :D #and yaz is like not sure it was the right thing to exhaust all yuor effort on but alright

[polaraffect]

current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit

#damien.txt #sorry its like 5 am and i havent slept and wanna vent so. here inam #i really do be having a wild time bc ill have like. weeks at a time where ill be like. wait a second. what if im not trans actually #okay well. never in a 'im 100% not trans' way but in a 'maybe i shouldnt transition' way #and then ill have a day where i wake up and go. oh. i think that feeling is just coming from fear about. the current state of trans issues #because oh my FUCKING GOD am i scared like 24/7 bc of that shit #and so like. then im like. maybe i really am like. actually transmasc. fr. bc i like. literally have been feeling it my whole life. #and then i wake up a couple weeks later back at the beginning like hmm....... but..... what if.... #and im so tired of not knowing!! it's fucking exhausting questioning what the fuck is happening w me every 2 seconds #and im being dramatic abt it but idk. i think its a symptom of neurodivergence or something bc im like. so so scared abt being trans atm #at a level that is. certainly unhealthy. #and it really feels like something that is inhibiting me from doing things in life which is like. upsetting y'know! #but at the same time. the concept of going thru life as my birth gender is... bad. sort of inconceivable at this point. #and this is particularly hard bc like. really going back and forth on making decisions abt taking T. bc when i get in these spirals #abt maybe not being trans. i get the urge to not take it. but like. i cant fluctuate w a medicine like that that much! #but at the same time when i go back to being like oh yeah transmasc... my brain is like cool. take T again. so. fuck me i guess. #idk man. im just like. i just want to live my life without being perceived by others actually #my true gender is no one's business <3 thanks #i am. tired.

[mars-ipan]

Ya got any rants stored up? Long-burning hatred?

i FINALLY found one i’ve been holding onto this ask waiting for the opportunity.

i HATE how people treat people with anxiety disorders. it’s endless pity mixed with complete incompassion

like ok. obligatory i have generalized anxiety disorder here. a lot of things make me stressed and when i’m having bad anxiety attacks (which can last days and sometimes put me into month-long spells of misery) i get physically sick, to the point of throwing up and fever. i also tend to go nonverbal/low-verbal during these periods of time (usually bc i’m nauseous.) i’m also very prone to migraines and have a tic and wear a night guard due to jaw clenching etc etc you get the point it affects me.

when i share these symptoms with people (assuming they don’t have similar symptoms) i get a lot of frowny faces. “owh i’m sorry :( that must be awful how horrible“ and the like. and it’s never said in a way that’s actually kind. it’s said in the way people talk about those aspca commercials. and it’s never actually come from a place of genuine concern- it’s superficial pity apparently meant to placate me. i hate it

and that’s assuming i even get that reaction at all! usually when i try to explain to someone that i’m experiencing symptoms of some sort like “hey i’m sorry i can’t really be productive right now, i’ve got a lot of brain fog” i am ALWAYS dismissed. EVERY time. maybe it’s because i’m quite skilled at coping and masking. maybe it’s because my panic attacks don’t (always) look like wailing and thrashing and choking on air. but for some reason people don’t seem to understand that yes my anxiety disorder is actually disabling for me sometimes. i will ask for an accommodation i need, be compared to someone else with different needs from me, and then be told i need to just suck it up and deal with it. and i am SO! TIRED! OF! IT!!!! the amount of times i’ve told people “hey please don’t say that to me i’m prone to paranoia about xyz” and then been yelled at because “it’s not that serious take a joke” is ABSURD. hey maybe stop telling me my cough is covid bc now i have to spend the next 3 hours reminding myself that i don’t have any other symptoms asshole!!! jesus

and THEN when i actually DO find a way to cope or utilize the way my brain works or god forbid crack a fucking joke about it people get mad at me. “see i knew it wasn’t a big deal” or “so you’re actually fine” or “that’s not funny” i am. so tired of it

and then i go online and see people saying that disorders like anxiety and depression have been destigmatized and we’re treated basically the same in neurotypical society. motherfucker i did not go undiagnosed for 17 years with several doctors telling me it “wasn’t anything to worry about” despite my family history and clear signs from a young age just to be told my disorder is respected. if i say my anxiety is a disability i get called dramatic and am told to stop taking attention away from people who need it- or not to call it a disability because “it’s not that bad” and i’m fine because clearly having a disability makes every second of your life miserable of course of course. hell anxiety is demonized too! not as badly as many other illnesses but it’s still demonized!!! if i tell people “hey i have anxiety so please be careful with xyz” they act like i just asked them to let me do anything i want without consequence. there’s literally a whole fucking stereotype of people using “anxiety” as an excuse to be lazy or an asshole or entitled. as someone whose anxiety manifests in depressive spirals (freeze response) and rejection sensitivity (doom spiraling) this is Not Great!!!!! like i am hypervigilant about enough things i do not need to add “will these people get mad if i explain how my brain works” to the list

and about the rejection sensitivity. i HATEEEEE when people judge me for crying because they’re upset at something i’ve done wrong. “mars if you’re in the wrong then you’re not the victim” who the fuck said i think i’m the victim???? i cry because my brain takes “can you pls stop doing this it genuinely bugs me” and turns it into “you’re a horrible person how could you do this to someone they hate you.” but just because that happens doesn’t mean i’m not capable of rational thought!!! i KNOW realistically that my friends are good communicators and share that stuff because they like my company. i just need to cry about it as well. that doesn’t negate my logic or say i won’t actually try to improve myself. i’m just upset that i made the mistake. obviously i’m gonna fix it. that one REALLY pisses me off esp when i warn someone in advance that i do that. like calm the fuck down i’m not even pointing out that i’m crying rn this isn’t about me stop making it about me.

ANYWAYS. it’s really frustrating to deal with this shit from nts and then go to an online nd space for community and hear people talk about anxiety disorders like we don’t face ableism. just because it’s quieter doesn’t mean it isn’t there. that AND the “it’s barely an issue” girlie i was told i wasn’t disabled enough by doctors my whole damn life i am NOT about to start hearing it from you too. you can drown in the ocean or a swimming pool or a puddle. doesn’t fucking matter. the hypocrisy irritates me so bad

#ask #ghost #marzirants #i am sick of being told i’m normal and then getting yelled at for being myself #if anyone is an ass on this post and doesn’t consider the context or nuance within i will kill :) #anywho thx ghost. that one’s been simmering for a but #a bit* whoopsies #once before i got dxed i was trying out a new therapist #and after an in-depth explanation of my fear around driving and the built up shame i had from still just having my permit #she told me to ‘just get in the car and drive’ #girl do you think i didn’t try that. my whole issue is that i can’t ‘just’ do it i was hoping we could work on the THREE MENTAL BLOCKS there #anyways i never went back to her. i still seethe a bit when i think abt it #anywho. sick and tired of being denied help and then chastised when i survive anyways #like yeah i’m alive. be a lot FUCKING better if you just gave me a hand though #but noooo because i’m not falling apart in front of you clearly i’m dramatic #tbf i have an incredibly high pain tolerance and have been an expert masker since i was a child #but still. not all disability is visible asshat. am i supposed to be able to function on my own or not why is there no right answer #anywho i’ve always felt a lot of connection to those with chronic fatigue #probs bc we both have deal with ‘it’s not that big a deal’ or ‘you’re being lazy/sensitive’ or ‘just suck it up’ #not to mention constant anxiety is EXHAUSTING. fight-or-flight takes up so much energy dude

[buckys-metal-arm]

Look man I'm not a fan of Peggy in What If either but the ferocity some of y'all hate her with feels feels really excessive

and before anyone goes "tHen DoN't lOoK aT iT" it's not like I go fuckin looking for it the Bucky tag and the What If tag have been clogged with it recently in light of the show and i am. So tired.

#not tagging this in any main tags because i dont feel like getting eaten alive tonight #but jfc some of y'all are exhausting #like who you like hate who you hate i literally do not care #but for fucks sake im so tired of every marvel tag i go in being a Peggy hate train #and look im not a Peggy apologist and i really hate her character in What If im not trying to defend her #or say you shouldn't have conversations about parts of media that make you angry. lord knows i have on here. #but what i AM saying is some of you are being dramatic as fuck and im so tired of it being in every Marvel space on this god forsaken sight #like. i detest this phrase but please for the live of god some of you need to log off sometimes #and before anyone tells me to blacklist tags. what do you think im doing. it doesnt work man theyre putting in tags #i frequent!! and not in the ones i blocked!! im so tired!!

[ghostzzy]

love mishka with all my heart but she really is a continual reminder of all my inadequacies and some days it really hurts

#i was not and will never be enough for her #and that was my biggest fear when we adopted her #and it’s just true. #thankfully van has taken over and is her primary parent and does 99% of her day-to-day care #but it makes me feel guilty every single day that i am just not physically able or mentally stable enough to be More for her. #not to be dramatic. like. ik she’s ~just a dog~. but like. she’s just a dog. yknow. and i can’t fucking handle her. #i’ve been watching her for 3 hours and i’m exhausted and she’s miserable. #reason number 7493748 why i will never ever ever ever ever have children of any kind. #izzy.txt

[vampirebutterflies]

why must the sexiest bitches suffer the worst aggies

#not gonna lie I think this was my second time having smth w codeine and it didn’t? really do anything? like the relief lasted maybe 20mins #half hour at the most before it started being more than an ache again #like it wasn’t excruciating it was back at what’s been my standard Noticeably Painful But Can Be Sort Of Ignored level so. wasn’t worth #staying on ward but like. isn’t codeine meant to be ur severe pain thing. like surely that should’ve taken the Noticeably Painful pain too #for longer than half an hour #iunno #anyway like I said second(?) time and it didn’t really seem like much so idk if I just like. function at pain levels #where I probably shouldn’t still be alive like. on the weekly. or if I’m just one of the lucky ones who doesn’t process the drug as I should #I love knowing smth is still obviously wrong but having normal test results and not really having other resources or any clue what to look @ #I’m very heavily torn between “I must be being dramatic / it’s a psychosomatic thing” and “there really feels like something physically #wrong but I don’t know what or who to ask or how to find out what it is” #exhausting shit #I don’t even necessarily want A Solution I just wanna know what the fucks wrong at this point #mercury.txt

[krispiecake]

currently thinking about how when i told my dad to tell my mother i would not be speaking to her until she apologised she just. straight up stopped even trying to contact me. like, not even a text. absolutely insane how much this woman refuses to admit that maybe she was wrong about how she handles some things. she cannot swallow her pride to even do this one really small basic show of respect. fucking mental.

#like…… i think she said ‘im sorry it came out rude’ right after it happened but. GIRL. #THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD BE APOLOGISING FOR AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT. #she knows full well that what she said was inappropriate invalidating triggering and insulting #AND that i have repeatedly asked her NOT to say it over the past few years. #and yet she just says ‘sorry it came out rude’???? like not ‘im sorry i said that’ not ‘i was wrong and insulting and disrespectful of ur #boundries that youve had in place for years now’ #and like she keeps doing this again and again and again with so many fucking things #she just has no respect for my mental health issues or who i am or like just me as a person #its near constant. shes always subtly calling me dramatic and ridiculous and telling me that im stupid and that its all my fault #but the moment i try to bring up anything like this to her just just yells #and goes ‘oh i get it im a horrible mum well i tried my best and i put in so much work’ ect ect ect #like i was sharing with her biosocial theory and how i think that bcause we have never different ways of regulating out emotions #it meant i was never taught to do it properly/in a way that works for me and that combined with my autism and my trauma likely led to my bpd #and when i tried to explain that it wasnt anyones fault its just that we’re different ppl and there was no way she couldve knows #she was like ‘ohhhh so its MY fault? hm? I’M the reason youre like this!?’ #and she looks down on me so fucking much for my ed and for sh and really just for any symptoms i show bc #why cant i deal with things properly like HER. #idk its so exhausting like i just want a proper apology from my own fucking mother but no. #shes doing the exact same thing that she berates and mocks and looks down on me for. #ugh i feel like screaming

[sol1loqu1st]

hmm

#suicide ideation #not to be like. dramatic or whatever. but #im fucking miserable and i want to die. ive promised myself moving out early next year and getting settled there #before i do anything permanent like that #but like...if moving doesnt work out i honestly cant. see myself trying again #i dont think i can work anymore tbh. at least not full time #but all of my calculations on whether i can afford to live are assuming im working full time and it's the lowest number ive found #i'm just #so fucking scared and tired and i'll never be happy and i'll always be exhausted

[thisisaname-whatahappyname]

i want to be meaner to my mom but scared that i might make a habbit of it to the point of that spilling onto other people, so let's vent, near everytime i say something that challenges her belief that she's right about everything she always goes on about how i love debating her and how im always attacking her and saying she's wrong about everything, this bitch litterally fucking just told her child "you're always the villain to me" like i dont have a mountain of evidence saying that she's the one who's fucked up

look we disagree on things a lot, i disagree with her a lot, she seems to take everytime i point out she could be wrong (the first few times her response was "it's like your my mom mano po" ("mana po" is something people do to their elders) and "go work on your self first" in response to my room and my sleep schedule, like. y'know me sleeping late and being messy gives her yhe excuse to be a bad person.) now it's "you just love debating me don't you" "you always think im wrong about everything" and now recently "youre always the villain in my story" ("lagi kang kontrabida saking buhay")

because yeah sure im the villain, im the person who bullied ("idiot, lunatic, insane, you made yourself ugly, you look insane, you look like a lunatic") verbally abused (read the previous sentences, and what comes after this), hit (four times to be exact, also threathened to beat me up if i ever did that again, and later on said she was gonna smack me if i ever tried it again later on too) and told their kid they're insane and that tgey didn't care about anyone except themselves for botching their haircut

like this isn't my first time saying this within these last few days, it still holds true though, her words, the villain sentence specifically, should be directed at herself if anything, like girlie are you describing your own actions or

damn these last few days have been shit, like most days that have my parents in them aren't good, but these last few days have been horrendous, wonder if i should kill myself lol, atleast id have a botched haircut at the funeral, where a lot of the people whod know me would see, might botch it even more before doing it, just out of spite, it's just like id face the abuse that would com after anyways, i would be dead. also that whole haircut and these few days after said haircut have confirmed my theory that my parents treat me nicer when im pretty so! that's another thing! man!

like girlie really did just say her kid was the villain in her life despite being the one to hit her kid four times over a botched haircut, and verbally and physically abuse said kid for days afterwards (the verbal abuse was worse than what id written, basically just wrote a summary for the most part, just don't feel like translating it) i mean girlie really?

edit: also if you read the tags i almost forgot about that last bit, memory repression works hard ig. wonder how much shit i forgot that i never remembered.

also another edit: i think it's interesting how she used to so "oh so im the villain now" in response to me whenever i brought up her doing something bad, like that used to be a common occurance a few months near a year ago, but now she says "you're like a villain to me" after, reminding her she can be wrong, and botching my haircut. i mean. girlie at least isn't blatantly ripping off mother gothel now so that's fun.

#girlie litterally called her kid the villain despite being the one who bullied #(said idiot. lunatic #insane #you made yourself ugly you look insane #you look like a lunatic.) #verbally abused (read the previous sentences and what comes after this) hit #(four times to be exact #also threathened to beat me up if ever did that again and later on said she was gonna smack me if i ever tried it again later on too) #and told their kid they're insane andthat tgey didn't care about anyone except themselves for botching their haircut #girlie litterally called her kid the villain #it think it's interesting how fell back on using social media slang as a coping mechanism here because sm incites dophamine most times #anyways vent parents i mean wow really let's just fucking #go and jump off guess. i #am exhausted and quite frankly just want to sleep and never fucking wake up again an overdose might be nice idk. #me dying might be the only way to convince her that she's the one that's fucked actually. #or maybe she might fucking say im spoiled dramatic and overemotional in which case idc idc id be too dead too by then anyways #look explaining shit won't work ive already tried that and whenever get into fights with my parents #words and memories just fucking bail on me under enough stress #till i get my shit together hours later and able to pinpoint exactly why they're or in this case she's wrong fuck this #she also told me that ''since im so mature now to now have to rely on her anymore'' and said she wont attend or give me shit anymore #as part of said haircut thing #basically told me she wont be a parent to me anymore because of something that started from a botched haircut #but still doesn't think that actually She may be the villain here #vent #parents

[pennielane]

my performance review went……….okay, i suppose

#in my classic dramatic fashion i am in tears though ☺️ #I don’t know if i’ve ever said my job on here but. whatever fuck it. i’m a lawyer and this shit sucks #well #my department sucks #younger associates are great but the partners are……..cutthroat #and if you make one tiny mistake they crucify you for it #my hell week two weeks ago (when i dipped from here for a while) was all work related #i worked 60+ hours in the week (over 14 hours each day) and messed up ONE tiny assignment for a partner #and now apparently that partner ‘doesn’t trust’ my research anymore #anyway. i could keep ranting #but i will refrain and just keep crying to myself and avoid sending things off #(these tears are a culmination of a year feeling like a very undervalued member of the team. but anyway! just trauma dumping now~) #it’s just. exhausting feeling like you’re bad at your job. especially when i’ve dedicated so much time and money and schooling to it #anyWAY #i will likely delete this #note to self get a diary and stop dumping on your poor followers