#lol I finished this like 2 and a half weeks ago and never posted it because I wanted to have text on it

[dadrielle]

"I CHECK THE SCRY BALL"

#critical role #laudna #critical role fanart #cr art #lol I finished this like 2 and a half weeks ago and never posted it because I wanted to have text on it #but i hate doing text on clip studio so much #so god only knows when THAT'S gonna come to fruition #anyway did you know that I love: her #my art

[autisticlancemcclain]

thank u @zenstrike for the tag <333333333 i see ur mic and i'm elated about it

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

185! but i haven't updated in like a week and a half so we're probably closer to 190

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

556,104. i am very excited to watch it jump up when i finally finish my longfic teehee

3. what fandoms do you write for?

literally just voltron lol. well not counting baby me's wattpad lol. i started writing almost two years ago and just went ham basically. i've been intentionally avoiding things that i know i will get hyperfixated on bc i don't want to stop my writing obsession lol

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

ooooou i'm excited to check. i know it's changed quite a bit over time. i usually sort them by hits!

i will grind you to sand (beneath my louboutin heels) [voltron, 2573 words]: bamf lance fic where i give him a revolver and let him go ham basically

mr. snuggles [voltron, 1656 words]: one of my very earliest fics! lance, lover of weirdo animals, finds a demonic cat-sized spider and adopts it despite his friend's freakouts

he might not look like he gets bitches (but honey that dick was eleven inches) [voltron, 1136 words]: this one is so dorky lol but it's just secret relationship klance coming to light in the most embarrassing possible way

does anyone know where the love of god goes (when the waves turn the minutes to hours) [voltron, 4283]: a canon divergence au where lance is a seer and convinces the skeptics on his team of his abilities by ending the war

this is the part of me that you're never gonna ever get away) [voltron, 3262 words]: a lance & shiro hurt/comfort with a small autistic lance character study! i'm very proud of this one

5. do you respond to comments?

i definitely do on tumblr! it's one of the first things i do when i wake up actually. on ao3, though...i'm pretty sure i have about eight hundred unanswered comments sitting in my inbox 💀 it's an ongoing issue

6. what’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i'm almost sure it's this post-game show lance leaving fic, because i got comments and asks for weeks begging me to write a happy ending lol. but this fic from the hana universe, from when keith is little and shiro is fighting for custody and they haven't figured things out yet. that one is sad. this dream pov adashi fic is also sad and has no happy ending bc, you know. shiro is in space and adam thinks he's dead and everything. my loneliest series is also still in progress and as such there is no happy ending. and this is my earliest angsty-ending fic with MCD

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

oh god pretty much everything i write has a happy ending?? if i’m being serious?? frankly i don’t do a lot of linear plot. i just write Scenes that are vaguely connected. BUT my h2o fic had a plot that ended happily, as did my cowboy fic, but truly i’m more of a slice of life kinda gal. all my active wips are plot-driven, though, and i plan for all of them to end happily.

8. do you get hate on fics?

oh god yeah. i get it on brown eyed lance, autistic lance, adhd keith, allura just in general (are you sensing a pattern), my refusal to use readmores, and lately just some demands for me to write differently/more?? most of it is just funny so i post it to goof on it lol, but some of it i just delete and pout about until i forget about it 💀

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

yes and it’s nasty and i will literally never ever post it. although i guess i’ve written some softer stuff that’s more allusion than anything, like in my loneliest series.

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

not anymore, but i did when i was a kid?? i think i wrote a pjo/hoo/divergent/the mortal instruments/homestuck/a bunch of other shit fic when i was 13. i’ve successfully blocked that era out of my mind tho so i’m not sure. i do a lot of insane aus, tho. i wrote a fic based off a country song written in the sixties. so.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

i’ve had people write continuations of my wips?? which i didn’t rly like. i just ignored it.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

someone has asked me about translating a fic before! haven’t heard anything since tho.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

i have tried. i’m not very good at it. i have very Specific ideas about things and can be very controlling, so it’s honestly better that i don’t lol.

14. what’s your all-time favorite ship?

klance, easy. been in the trenches of this goddamn fandom since i was 13 years of age. it’s been a Journey.

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

god, the butterfly effect. i get people asking me to update all the time and i genuinely feel bad, because i have absolutely no ideas or plans for it. i might try to come up with an ending of some kind?? but i wrote that like two years ago, so i have changed a LOT about my writing since then.

16. what are your writing strengths?

dialogue and humour, i think. and sometimes writing lack of emotional communication (if that makes sense — i like to try and write around an emotion).

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

i over explain a lot. and i overuse dialog ur tags sometimes. i have a Very Specific scene playing out in my head and i want everyone else to see it like i’m seeing it, which is my downfall a lot. i’ve been trying to work on implicit stage directions.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i think sometimes it’s necessary? it can be a good tool for humour, like with cussing that can’t be achieved in english. but while i understand and read several languages i have always always struggled to speak or write in them. it’s very frustrating so i often avoid the subject entirely lol.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

i’ve been writing fanfic in my head since before i knew what it was, but i started typing things at around 11 when i used to homestuck roleplay with my friends lol. messy messy times.

20. favorite fic you’ve ever written?

oh i am my own target audience. i have several.

i need a man (who’s patient and kind): keith-centric post canon (divergence) fic where lance takes him to his family and keith is good with kids and just keith being loved is the whole point. always.

what if i lose it all: an alternate universe where lance, as a baby, loses both his parents, and then is raised by his oldest siblings. in luis’ pov.

when does a ripple become a tidal wave (when does the reason become the flame): brogane fight & angst canon divergence post season 6; covering shiro’s guilt complex and keith’s unwavering loyalty

he’s into superstitions (black cats and voodoo dolls): halloween verse with witch lance and vampire keith! i have barely spoken about this au on here but rest assured i’m thinking about it all the fucking time

the applebee’s universe: modern au with young keith and lance learning how to love each other

ceilings (plaster): non-linear dream-like fic that’s just so trippy and strange i’m obsessed with it

if the sky comes falling down (for you) there’s nothing in this world i wouldn’t do: a keith character study about how the biggest bleeding heart in the universe loves

the hana universe: brogane-centric universe as their family starts rocky and grows

thank u again for the tag zen <33 open offer for anyone else who would like to hop on!!

#writer games #? #info #tag game #longpost

[igglemouse]

Half way through spooky month already!? Well, here are 5 more simblrs that I really enjoy and recommend and hope that you will love and enjoy them too!

@mlady-mimsy ~ This is one I've just started following and I already really enjoy it! Great pictures and fun stories and really this is what simblr is about! An easy follow and always enjoy visiting this simblr!

@simbeezies ~ A gameplay simblr that is just full of adorable and cute pics! I never really get tired of gameplay simblrs, maybe because I can never finish my own generations lol so I get to live vicariously through simblrs like these!

@yayasiimsx ~ A simblr with wonderful sims and creative stories! I feel like a simblr that should have a lot more appreciation too! I think I reblogged one of their family pics and it might inspire me to do something similar so any simblr that inspires me is definitely one I will shout out!

@satureja13 ~ This simblr is just pouring out with creativity! You know I used to have aliens in my legacy years ago (The whole ben diaz and his heirs) and so many wonderful sci-fi lots were used! I hope I credited you properly when using those lots because they are one of a kind!

@nepotisim ~ A long time mutual who makes amazing sims and is just a positive force on my dash and as a mutual! Semi-hiatus but its about quality and not quantity right!?

So for this week you'll see I have some newer simblrs on here, new to me at least! For the longest of times I simply made it a rule to not follow simblrs. It's not because I didn't want to but because I didn't want people to feel like they need to follow back especially when I do adult subjects, sometimes dark subjects...but I am reaching out again because I realize looking through old posts...so many inactive simblrs!

I used to think no one was interested in my stories anymore when its really more that the people that used to be here...have moved on T_T which is sad! So many talented simblrs (i hope they are ok!) but I am of course finding there are still so many wonderful simblrs so I try to find 2-3 new simblrs to follow a week! You might see some of them pop up on these weekly lists as well!

#simblr appreciation sunday

[rickie-the-storyteller]

WIP Title Meme Tag

Thank you very much to @rbbess110 for tagging me to do this! I've never done this one before.

RULES: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the most intriguing title, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! Then tag as many people as you have WIPs. (this part is optional tho)

The thing is... all my writing files are all over the place lol. That being said, I have some good titles that hopefully you guys will like a lot! I'm looking forward to seeing what you guys ask about my work.

Most of my file names are chapter titles.

Steph's Crew: The Misfit Manifesto

Exam Week

The End (of February Mocks)

Life with B

Nothing but the Truth

A Million Lives (and all of them suck)

Suspended

Life Without B

Why I Could Never Be a Rebel

Detention

The Aftermath

Bret 2.0

Half Term

Ben's Leaving Party

It's Too Late to Apologise

Climbing Uphill (slowly but surely)

Figuring Life Out (it sucks, but it's necessary)

Times Are Changing

Moving On

Alice's Sitcom-esque Family

I Have a Crush on You

Where Are You, Ben?

How to Get Back on Track

Movie Night's with El

I Miss My Man

Is This What Love Is?

Boyfriend

Anything Could Happen (almost)

Honeymoon

Library Sessions

An Unexpected (and Unwanted) Visitor from the Past

Drunk, Lonely, Miserable Losers

We Don't Talk Much Anymore... and It Sucks

A Night to Remember

A Night I'll Probably Never Forget

Where's Steph?

Leaving on a Jet Plane

The Beginning (of our final exams)

Epilogue (Stephanie's letters to her friends)

There. That's all the chapters in order (at least, I hope it's in order... idk tho). Something about this story that's really fun is that each of these chapters is in the perspective of a different character! Originally, it was just in Steph's POV (it was supposed to be her journal). I'm still very much in the process of editing this one, so some of these could still change in future (some of these chapter titles are way too long imo).

Steph's Crew: Unreported Violent Crimes

This is the sequel to the first book! I've only started it a couple of months ago... so there aren't quite as many this time. It's not quite finished yet, but I'm definitely going to add more chapters to this later!

The News Report

So, Some Guy Died Last Night...

Pillow Talk

The History of Stephanie and Ben

To Take Matters into One's Own Hands

Visiting an Old Friend

Stephanie's Upbringing

I've Never Had a Best Friend

The Story of Em and Jack

This is a story that I'm posting on Wattpad! I've already posted chapter 1, but I've got all these other chapters in the works as well:

Jemily

Flashback #1 (Elementary School)

Friends

Summertime

Meeting Mom

Jen's Party

Flashback #2 (Freshman Year)

"You broke me."

Back to School

"I think I loved you."

The Best Friend Zone

Flashback #3 (The First Breakup)

Square One

Thinking about the Future

Homecoming

Together

Be Good

"Let's NOT fight about this."

Fast-forward (College)

Another story that I'm planning to post on Wattpad is my Five Seconds Flat series... but I'm not going to post any of my file names/chapter names here, because it's literally based off of the Lizzy McAlpine album of the same name lol. All the chapters are titles from the album. Here's a link to it in case you want to see it, though (the album is awesome, btw. Hope you guys enjoy it!!):

AU

(I'm posting this series here in September! So you guys will get to see this very soon... I'm super excited! There are 10 chapters this time - this story has an ensemble cast of characters, and each chapter has a new focus character. There isn't a single "main character" - though some characters appear more than others)

1: “Starting Point" (focus character = Zephyr)

2: “Meet Cute” (focus character = Eurydice)

3: "Just This Once…" (focus character = Caius)

4: "Junebug" (focus character = Juniper)

5: "New Friends" (focus character = Cassius)

6: "Don’t Be a B-word" (focus character = Avalon)

7: "Say it with Chest" (focus character = Isadora)

8: "Things Shouldn’t Be Like This" (focus character = Adara)

9: "Hey, Brother" (focus character = Xander)

10: "Shut Up, Marcy!" (focus character = Marcelline)

Imma tag these people to do this next: @fayeiswriting, @kirsten-is-writing, @e-s-willswriting, @jay-avian, @clairelsonao3, @sarahlizziewrites, @mjparkerwriting, @silverslipstream, @winterandwords, @exquisitecrow, @elizaellwrites, @writingalterras, @thecreakywriter, @sam-glade, @hollyannewrites, @ryns-ramblings, @autumnalwalker, @toribookworm22, @blind-the-winds, @falesiacats, @j-1173, @gummybugg, @jessicawestonauthor, @thelavenderwriter, @jay-avian, @mysticstarlightduck

#rickie-the-storyteller #writerblr #tag game #wip title game #Spotify

[astorytotellyourfriends]

annual writing self-evaluation

All answers should be about works published in 2023.

i. Optional if applicable: link to last year’s self-evaluation

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

as per usual that list is too long for this post so here's my 2023 fic roundup

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

far and away it has to be before i bury you purely because it was 1. SUCH an endeavor to begin with, and 2. so unbelievably different from anything i've written before. like, the criminal minds au was me dipping my toe into the pool of horror/suspense, and this fic was diving in headfirst. and i know it's not everyone's cup of tea (or most people's, tbh) but i've been so pleased with the reactions of those who have read it and i'm so, so thankful for it 💛 (honorable mentions to always have & i always will and a tender age, tho)

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

it's not that i'm not proud of it but a fic that's been hanging over my head all year is if the fates allow because god i hate that it's almost been a year since i updated it and I'VE BEEN TRYING to work on it but my brain just refuses to focus on it! i'm really hoping to finish it soon, though (and the gd pirate au too UGH).

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

man am i glad i did an ask meme like a week ago that asked this question so i can snag an answer from that rather than spending 3 hours combing through my fics lol

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

lmfao @cyraclove left this one on a snippet of the onlyfans au i sent her and it's my favorite thing ever

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

there's been a few instances of that over the last year but no specific events immediately come to mind. it seems to come and go in waves for me and all i can do is just ride it out and hope my inspiration comes back.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

ok like i swear to god i never thought i would write omegaverse and yet a tender age happened and it basically came pouring out of me and onto the page so like?? what the hell was that??? (also no i have not forgotten i promised a sequel, it's percolating i promise)

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i tried new genres!! i really enjoyed the writing process!! (even if it made me absolutely insane at times)

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i've said this a billion times before but i think next year i want to try writing original stuff alongside fic. idk if i'll finish a whole novel or what, but i'd at least like to start something.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

my friends 💛

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

not that i can think of but i did actually let my sister read some of my stuff and she told me that i have a lot of ust in my writing and (yes this is weird but she's my sister and i know she means well) that she wished i had an outlet for it irl so like. i guess that's something?

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

i always say the same goddamn thing and today i saw a post that really encapsulated that so i'm just going to copy it here:

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

as per usual, so many. i've got a bunch half-started already that i haven't shared yet and i'm really hoping to be able to get them Mostly Finished before i start posting them, so keep your fingers crossed and an eye out 👀

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

@cyraclove, @medusasfinalgirl, @staceymcgillicuddy (and anybody else who would like to do this, i'm tagging u)

#annual self evaluation #about my fic

[farfromdaylight]

2023 writing meme

i don't usually do the fic writer meme because i don't usually write a lot of fic other than longfic. but this year was an outlier, so, here we are!

Number of fics written (posted) in 2023: 23. seriously, who am i? plus 3 finished and 2 unfinished, both unposted.

Total word count of posted fic: 57,515

Total word count of unposted fic: 66,701

Total word count overall: 124,216

Worth noting that some of my posted fic this year was written during Nanowrimo last year, so the numbers are a bit skewed.

Fandoms: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII Remake, Final Fantasy XII, Final Fantasy XIV. I did write one FFXIV/Pacific Rim crossover.

all of my fic is on AO3.

Best title: I'm really biased towards heaven can wait (WoL/Exarch), my big bang fic. I also quite like before you're burned, become the sun (Alisaie) but that's just because I've always liked that lyric.

Worst title: to believe in you (i'll try) (Cloud/Tifa). I was going for a theme across all of my Cloti week fics but I don't like that title at all...

Best first line: From before you're burned, become the sun:

The sun never sets, because there is no sun.

Worst first line: From to believe in you (i'll try):

Cloud is so different.

Best last line: From heaven can wait:

"Welcome to the First, Warrior of Darkness," he says, lifting up his brother. "Let's get you inside. We've got a world to save."

Worst last line: From to believe in you (i'll try) (seriously, I am not happy with this fic LOL):

For now, they have a reactor to take down.

Looking back, did you write more than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

Less than I was supposed to, yet more than I expected. I had various health issues throughout the year that prevented me from writing a lot (have you ever tried to write when you can't sleep more than 3 hours at a time? Yeah) but also I managed to write for two fandom weeks and completed Nanowrimo. So, not bad!

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

I didn't think I'd write so many Cloti fics! I've loved the pairing for a long time but I really didn't think I would write so much. Really glad I did though. Also, I had no plans to write the Alisaie or Ashe fics and I'm glad I stretched myself and wrote them.

What’s your favourite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

heaven can wait, no contest. I still go back and reread it sometimes and just have a blast. It's a story I very much wrote for myself, and I'm really glad it's gotten a good reception.

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

By kudos: amber embrace (WoL/G'raha)

By hits: love grows (WoL/G'raha)

By comments and bookmarks: heaven can wait

Deeply funny to me that the NSFW fic is the most popular. The people want what they want.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

If we ignore the fic I posted an hour ago that has literally 1 hit so far: for you, i walk on (Tifa), which I wrote for the second volume of the Tifa zine. But that's only by hits and kudos; it got very lovely comments and I had a great time with the zine.

By comments, I have 5 fics without comments at all. :( One of them has 30 kudos! Please comment on fics, folks.

Story that could have been better?

Not to beat the dead horse, but to believe in you (i'll try). It's meant to be a Remake fic, but I haven't finished replaying Remake and I only half-remember the Cloti scenes. I'm working on replaying it now, so hopefully I can add to it soon.

Sexiest story?

I mean, according to the numbers, it's either amber embrace or love grows. But actually it's one of the fics I didn't post this year. I wrote a 16,000-word fic about my WoL's honeymoon with G'raha. It is very spicy and it will not be seeing the light of day because it belongs to a non-canon AU.

Saddest story?

I don't know that I have a good answer to this one. I mean, heaven can wait is angsty, but that's different.

Most fun?

Most silly is definitely shuffle or boogie (WoL/G'raha), which was just an excuse to write a fic about Triple Triad.

Story with single sweetest moment?

PROBABLY THE WEDDING FIC, LOL. Or the denouement of heaven can wait. Or the holiday fic I just posted.

Most fucked-up story?

I wrote some vanilla-ass fic this year, I ain't got nothing for this.

Hardest story to write?

Honestly, a lot of the Cloti fics were tough. I'm not really rusty on the canon (FFVII lives rent free in my brain) but I hadn't written the characters in a pairing for some years. The Ashe fic was also tough for similar reasons: I've never written FFXII fic before. The Endwalker fic (WIP) has been really hard because it's some tough content and I've been struggling with how much of the canon to cover and how much to make up whole cloth.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

heaven can wait, which I really just had a blast with. This was last year's Nanowrimo, though, so... Maybe the holiday fic? I wrote it in a couple hours last weekend.

Did any stories shift your perception of the characters?

Not really. I don't tend to write fics about characters I don't have a firm grasp of.

Most overdue story?

Beyond the Vault, the eternal albatross around my neck. Also the Endwalker fic, because it's taken me two years to even have a WIP...

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

This year was good at helping me fight off the perfectionist tendency! I posted a lot of the fandom week fics within a week (or shorter) of writing them, and it let me chill out considerably about polish. Sometimes you can just write a fic and you don't have to go over it with a fine-tooth comb, you can just post it.

#larissafic #meme answers

[engagedtobefree]

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own. 

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun. 

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever. 

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship. 

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right. 

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it. 

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha. 

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason. 

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

[ballonleaparadise]

Professor Friede's Laboratory

This is a fic that I started writing a while ago. It's a loose backstory for Friede. It's recently been announced that we're getting a proper backstory for Friede and Captain Pikachu in this weeks episode, so it makes more sense to post this now rather than later lol Thank you so much for reading!!

A03:

Summary

When Friede has an unexpected visit from a friend, he begins to reflect on his life choices.

Professor Friede's Laboratory Sunlight fell through the curtains, illuminating the right side of Friede's face. He fidgeted in his swivel chair. On the far side of the laboratory, the grandmother clock counted down to midday. The professor turned to his pokemon. Pikachu sat on the windowsill, watching the traffic waver past. "Pika", the pokemon said affectionately, before climbing onto Friede's lap. Before his mind wandered any further, Friede opened his packed lunch. He was in a strange state of feeling hungry but having little appetite. Still, he had to eat. He looked at the clock again. At 1:00pm, he would start filing paperwork. At 2:00pm, he would type up his research findings from the weekend. The rose-patterned wallpaper swamped the room like a never-ending forest. Sometimes, it felt as if the walls were caving in on him.

Friede was finishing his wrap, when a knock came from the door. He rushed over to answer, with Pikachu in pursuit. Orla stood in the corridor, dressed in a floral blouse and baggy jeans. "Long time no see?!" she exclaimed. "Orla, hi!" said Friede, half surprised, as a wave of relief washed over him. Orla hugged him, nearly knocking him off balance. "I thought you were travelling?" Friede asked as they parted. "I wanted to take a break. It's nice to be back... and how are you, Pikachu?" Orla stroked the electric mouse, as he squealed happily. She paused: "are you busy? I don't want to barge in." Friede looked over to his paperwork. It would wait. He smiled: "don't worry about me, come in!"

Friede made two cups of tea, and they sat in the lounge area. Orla told him about her recent travels. She had not long graduated from university. She was extremely clever, gaining a first in engineering. However, she had always told him how she wanted to see more of the world. Friede, on the other hand, had never left academia. "Anyway, what have you been up to?" Orla continued, sipping her tea. "You know, the usual," Friede replied. "Any new findings?" Pikachu turned to his trainer promptly. "Oh yeah, I've been looking into terrastralisation," Friede remembered. "That's interesting!" "It's a fascinating mechanic. It can change a pokemon's typing completely."

The conversation died down quickly. Friede checked his watch out of habit. It was 1:30pm- but that meant nothing to him. Right now, nothing else mattered. He clenched his fingers.

"Are you okay?" Orla asked. "Yeah, fine," Friede murmured, sitting upright. "Orla," he started, "have you ever thought that there might be more to life than... settling down and getting a job?" Orla laughed: "yeah, that's why I went travelling. Why?" Friede shrugged: "just wondering. Anyway, putting that aside-" Orla talked across him: "Friede, what's wrong? You've been tensed up ever since I got here." Pikachu's ears pricked up at her words. Friede sighed: "I just... I feel couped up all the time, in this lab," he admitted, "I thought this was what I always wanted- to learn more about pokemon." Orla tilted her head, worried: "maybe you need a break. You can't push yourself too hard." "No, it's not like that. I don't know if this job's for me anymore... I want to see more of the world, too. You know all of the adventures we used to go on? I miss that."

Friede needed some air, so Orla suggested going for a walk. The sun was harsh when they left. The paving absorbed the summer heat like a sponge. They visited the beach, which was only ten minutes away from the laboratory. Along the harbour, wingul flocked the masts of each boat. The sea was a simmering shade of turquoise. Friede sometimes became so caught up in his studies, that he didn't spare the time to come here. Suddenly, the pair noticed a familiar boat approaching the shore.

"Old man Ludlow!" Orla exclaimed, waving. The fishing boat pulled up ashore, and a stout man climbed out. It was undoubtedly Ludlow. Whenever Friede was on the seafront, he would see the old man fishing. Despite this, he didn't interact with him very often. Ludlow was a reserved individual, who only spoke when it was important.

"Great to see you!" said Friede, as Ludlow approached them. Pikachu hopped onto Friede's shoulder. "Nice day for fishing, huh?" Orla added, nodding towards the sea. Ludlow stroked his beard: "it certainly is. How are you studies coming along, Friede?" "Swimmingly" Friede quipped. Orla rolled her eyes: "he's researching terrastralisation." "Oh, I see. That's a very mysterious mechanic indeed..." Ludlow began humming to himself.

The sunny atmosphere of the beach was short-lived, as a layer of cloud obscured the light. Gentle drizzle swiftly developed into a downpour. Friede addressed the others: "shall we?" The three retreated to the nearby cafe, which overlooked the harbour. The view of the seafront was glazed with falling droplets. Friede and Pikachu sat opposite Orla and Ludlow, by the cafe window. Each of them, with their own pasts and experiences. The laboratory remained in the back of Friede's mind. He thought of the piles of paperwork which demanded his attention. He did not want to go back. In time, the grey terrain dissolved, revealing the sky again. All of a sudden, Orla pointed: "look!" Sure enough, an airship soared above. Friede had never seen one before. The vessel was a dark shade of blue, which contrasted with the surrounding brightness. It was huge, sporting propellers at either end. Before Friede could comment, the airship moved on, leaving entrails in the clouds behind it.

#pokemon horizons #anipoke #pokeani #pokemon friede #professor friede #pokemon orla #pokemon orio #pokemon ludlow #pokemon landau #a03 fanfic #pokemon fanfiction #pokemon anime #the rising volt tacklers #pokemon gen 9 #pokemon generation 9 #anipoke spoilers

[maybeimamuppet]

2, 5, 9, 11, 16 for the fic asks?

hello darling friend tysm for the ask!!

2, will you participate in any fandom exchanges or fic challenges, etc?

if i’m asked to absolutely!! i think they seem so fun but being in smaller fandoms i think they’re a lot harder to figure out. i’ve actually considered forming a few of my own for like halloween or the holidays and stuff but i’m kind of the only cadnis writer still somewhat consistently active and everyone else who writes for mean girls is into very different things (which is great we love to see it but it makes group stuff hard lol) and matilda i haven’t checked up on in so long i have no idea what’s going on in that little corner anymore whoops

5, which wip is first on your list to complete this year? will you post a snippet?

we are continuing my beloved series of ‘someone has to write all the cliche fics for this ship and by golly it might as well be me”! from the looks of things the first one to be finished will be a college au (professor/student) that i’m honestly really proud of. i’ve been hammering away at it for a while lol. but we also have a few more like that and obviously plenty more that aren’t that i’m not gonna spoil just yet but i’m very excited for them :)))

“As long as I’m your professor, this can’t happen, no matter how badly I want it to,” Cady says with a sniffle. She gently presses a kiss to the corner of Janis’ lips before she pulls away and takes a couple steps back. “I’m so sorry, Janis.”

Janis watches her go for a minute, barely feeling the frigid rain slamming against her face. Cady hunches in on herself and clicks off. “What about when you’re not my professor anymore?!”

Cady freezes and turns to look at her. “What?”

“Once I graduate,” Janis begs. “Can we be together then?”

“…Technically, yes, we could,” Cady says. “But-”

“Wait for me,” Janis says. “Please.”

Cady bites her lip, but she nods after a second. “Okay.”

“You will?” Janis asks, finally feeling hopeful enough to smile for the first time in what feels like years.

“I’ll wait,” Cady agrees. “If you’re willing to do the same. Come to me once you graduate, and… we’ll see what happens. Okay?”

“Okay,” Janis says, smiling around a sob. Cady does the same before she continues walking away.

unproofread snippet brought to you by maybeimamuppet :)

9, short term goals… what do you hope to complete this week or in january?

i’m really hoping to have that and the next chapter of pt done by the end of the month!! my third writing birthday is at the beginning of march and i’m really hoping to have a batch of fics ready to crank out by then :)) matilda is kind of wonky for the time being bc i have very few wips and i need time to sort through which requests i can actually do/want to do so they might be a while but focusing on my meanies for a while will be a nice change i think!

11, would you like to try any new fanfic genres or tropes this year?

i don’t think i do!! at least not in fics lol i’m good with my romance and family fluff sorta genres i’m in but i am trying to write a few publishable like real actual books that are a little different so we’ll see how that goes!

16, do you have one fanfic that you wrote a ton for, ages ago, but never posted? will this be the year come hell or high water that it WILL get finished and posted?

UHHHH honestly most of my wips are kinda like that lol. i hyper focus on one and then get bored with it and move on to a new one and herein lies the cycle of Big Issues. so i have a lot of like half-done oneshots (including requests i literally got in 2021 and am sobbing trying to get done i feel so bad). i do have an entire folder of ‘unpublishable fics’ that will never see the light of day. they’re mostly just writing exercises but some of them are just really embarrassing so most of them stay there lol. and i have a multi-chapter The Good Place au i started years ago and couldn’t figure out other than the title but i only wrote a couple scenes for it but that probably also won’t ever see the light of day. ce la vie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#thank you friend!!! #entropy with ezzy #ezzy gets an ask

[inevitably-johnlocked]

2 WEEKS OFF!!!

Y’ALL today is my last day of work for TWO WEEKS. It’s the first proper summer holidays I’ve had in 3 years (2019, I had to work for 4 months without a break, 2020 I was in lockdown and couldn’t do anything, and in 2021, I had to work for 3 months and was given permission to take my birthday weekend off, but then I broke my foot and couldn’t go anywhere for an additional month). Y’all have NO IDEA how excited I am about this. I’ve an AirBNB resort-on-a-secluded-lake booked for my birthday weekend, the one I was supposed to go to last year but couldn’t because of the aforementioned broken foot, and just... am really looking forward to some Me Time™ without obligations and work.

SO THAT SAID, while I’m not taking “official” time off from here, because let’s be real, I never actually ever stop, there will be two Sundays I’m not going to post new fic lists: the 28th and the 4th. Both weekends I’m going to be away or busy and honestly just... don’t really want to give myself unnecessary stress when I’m supposed to be taking my therapist’s advice and to just embrace myself, the things I love, and my mental health while I’m on work holidays. Also these two weeks, please respect that I will be keeping my replies to asks to a minimum, or to “when I feel like” rather than “fill up a queue spot because I HAVE to have something post every half-hour for 8 hours”. I try my best to answer quick asks quickly, I really do, but I’m only human.

5FF will still be happening, and Sundays will be reblogs like Wednesdays, all pre-queued before I go away. Asks will stay on and I’ll reply to them if/when I can. Hoping to also finally finish the Johnlock ficlet I started writing 2 years ago... another reason I want to bring my computer with me, to maybe bang out all these story ideas I have, heh. And Art. Frig, I’m gonna try to ban

And if anyone is curious, August 27 will be my 41st. Yeehaw, lol. Hopefully I will be out on a lake being served a delicious meal from a 5-star chef, and not in a cast, working and being miserable again, heh. And it’s Pride Week next week in my city so maybe I’ll go check out what they’re doing.

Maybe I’ll also request an AMA or something. I like answering more in-depth asks when I have time to do them. I dunno. I’m not interesting LOL.

#my ramblings #about me #summer holidays #august 27 #i am so happy to be taking some time off

[loud-whistling-yes]

💐 (... how many flowers do you think can i get way with- HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS THING THAT SHOWED UP ON MY KEYBOARD)

SALKHDHSAHLKAS GIVE ME THAT EMOJI HOLY SHIT THATS SO FUNNY

anyways since there's 6 there i guess you get 6 sentences?... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The boy on the ground shakes too, whether in laughter, pain or both she doesn’t know until he cracks a grin of his own, massaging where a bruise would soon appear on his chest.  --- this one is from a mcyt writing/drawing event that i pulled out of a few weeks ago. not sure if i'll ever come around to finishing this fic since i have no need to anymore, but i think its a pretty nice read so far. this section's supposed to be a childhood fic of esmp!pearl and sausage lol

A lonely boy stands on a pillar in the clouds and all the sky can see is him. --- This one’s from an au i was working on?? p sure it was hermit!tommy and sun/moon/star grian/pearl/gem that came from that one post from @/hermitcrossovers. never actually got around to doing much with it though, the docs only has half a page filled 😭

No wonder their bodies break so quickly. It takes longer than a blink, of course. Longer than a sneeze. A yawn perhaps. Or maybe enough time to do a quick stretch only to come back and find out they’re gone. --- okay technically this is half a paragraph but this particular wip was made completely of short sentences that only made sense together so here’s a huge chunk of text from an abandoned drista fic. i have so many drista fics that i never finished you dont even know. something something to love things you can never comprehend 

(God, she hopes he’s scared. Hopes he’s hurting. Hopes that when she dies he dies and he finds out this is what he gets for leaving her alone.) --- yeah another rapid-fire short sentence paragraph so you just get a buy one get more for free deal. this one is a dl!galaxy duo fic i never finished? i think i started this one a few days after session 1 came out and never bothered to continue after session 2 came

The moon was so bright and round that he swore that if he reached for it he would've felt it. --- this one’s from the REALLY shitty old fic i wrote like 2 years ago?? again another dsmp fic i never got around to finishing... i might rewrite this one though, cause the idea itself was pretty neat the execution just sucked ass

Whether he was trembling from the cold water, the excitement, or the fear, Tommy didn’t know, and didn’t care. --- ALSO from previously said shitty fic, cause it actually has some good sentences in between the really really bad ones

oh yeah SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER MAE IT’S BEEN IN MY DRAFTS FOR MONTHS. my brain doesn’t like functioning apparently. also yeah the first wip sentence and everything before that was written the same day the ask was sent, then i got distracted somehow and it got saved into my drafts??? i dont know whats wrong with me

#asks #ask game! #mae's asks

[angst-in-space]

june ‘22 writing progress

words written: 18.9k

most words written in a day: 2212

least words written in a day: 116

current yearly total: 124.1k

projects worked on:

- finished writing ch 9 of sylvix dreamscape fix and started writing ch 10 - started editing ch 8 of dreamscape fic - finished writing new ending of my ya sci-fi book!! AT LAST! - outlining arctic monster book - started writing a twiyor fic

works published in june:

none

june goals:

- finish editing ch 8 of sylvix dreamscape fic and hand off to betas - finish writing a draft of ch 9 and start writing ch 10 - maybe start editing ch 9 if i have time? - finish writing the new end of my book - cut down my book word count enough so that i can actually add the new ending to it lol - edit renga fic if i have time? - apply to queerkidlit mentorship - maybe keep outlining twiyor fic if i have time

july goals:

- write ~30k for camp nano - finish editing ch 8 of dreamscape fic and hand off to betas - finish writing the last chapter of dreamscape fic - start next round of revisions on ya sci-fi book - continue outlining/zero-drafting arctic monster book - work on twiyor fic - edit renga fic if i have time? - start editing ch 9 of dreamscape if i have time?

notes:

LOL SO.... june was a very very wild month for me (mostly in a good way!) but yeah. holy shit. 

soooo if you’ve been following my updates all year you probably know i have been applying to mentorship after mentorship for months and have not gotten any. well!! firstly around june 10th i got multiple full manuscript requests from a mentorship i applied to called queeryfest. i was very excited to receive these requests of course but also panicked a bit bc at that point i was not really happy with the state of my manuscript. i had a mostly-finished new ending that i thought would improve it a lot, but the rest of the book was extremely long and the new end would add a significant chunk to the word count. 

soooo i decided to take it upon myself to write the rest of the new end and edit like 20k? 30k?? words out of my book in like, 4 days. this was a very exhausting and stressful experience that i would not recommend to anyone and hope to never relive again LOL however, it did push me to finally finish writing the better ending and cut a lot of unnecessary stuff out of my ms. also somewhere in the middle of all this i also applied to the queerkidlit mentorship. woo!!

and uh long story short.... by some miracle all that work paid off bc i was not offered one but TWO mentorships on the last day of june (happy pride month to me, amiright??) and it happened to work out nicely where my queerkidlit mentor is willing to wait a few months to do our mentorship in the fall while i complete my queeryfest mentorship. in other words i will be doing two mentorships back to back which should hopefully really help me whip my manuscript into shape 😤 for the time being i’m in a bit of a writing limbo... my queeryfest mentors will be giving me an edit letter sometime within the next ~2 weeks so depending on what they say, i’ll probably end up having to dedicate the last half of this month and most of august/september doing book revisions. but!! until then i’m putting my book aside and focusing on fic for a bit (for the most part). 

i am very nearly done writing sylvix dreamscape fic! like legitimately....i am writing the last scene before the epilogue right now, so i’m hoping to finish that very soon (although....i will miss it...sniffles). then ofc i will still have to edit chapters 8-10 which will probably...take me a while lolll but hopefully i can get those edited/posted over the next couple months.

i also have that renga fic that i finished like a year ago that i still have not edited/posted so uhhh i keep telling myself i will edit that but....we shall see akdfjdk

oh and i also started writing a twiyor fic but it’s. not the one i outlined. in fact not totally sure i will end up posting it cuz it’s uh yeah *runs away* buuut for now i’m just writing it for fun and we’ll see what happens ;)  otherwise uhhh yeah gonna be aiming to write around 30k for camp nano and that’s gonna be a combo of rewriting/writing scenes for my ya sci-fi book, outlining/zero drafting my (maybe?) next book, and fic writing. so yahoo!!

this was a really long update.... everything happens so much. but truly i am super excited and looking forward to the next few months!!! 

#brigidposts #writing updates #monthly writing updates 2022 #fanfic #original fic #text #long post

[sobrietywithnobullshit]

My First Post (intro); TW: drug use & addiction.

sigh I always start things i don't finish, so this blog will probably be just another unfinished project that i forget about in a month. Sorry for the pessimistic outlook- it's a big habit of mine. Along with many more. This is going to be a semi long intro so bare with me.

So let's start this out typical. Hi my name is Sam and i'm an addict. Going on 8 years now. It's probably more like 10..ish. I say 8 though because there was a point in between using for fun and needing to use daily without getting sick, where i was sober for like a little over a year. So 8 years works for me.

Choice of drug: heroin, opiates, and most recently the antagonist in this story- fentanyl. Which is quite ironic i phrase it that way because they use antagonists to reverse the effects of opioids. If i had a choice, i would have never started using fet at all but these days that i all one can find. Besides that flesh eating shit, don't get me started on that lmfao. I have been lucky enough to not run into it- yet. Plus i don't shoot (i am terrified of needles) i snort. So my skin is safe for now lol. I also have been lucky enough to have never overdosed. Or die in that case. So praise the lawd.

Let's cover recent events that made me start this blog. About a month ago i entered a detox facility about 3 hours from where i live. I drove myself and stayed for a little over 5 days. Then left. All of you reading are probably like WHAT THE FUCK BRUH you were sooo close. Trust me i know. There was alot that happened there that was so unhealthy and ill make a post about all that shit later, but to sum up how i felt there besides sick from withdrawals, i felt like a damn science experiment.

Cut to two days later me wanting them to take me back and they wouldn't unless i started on suboxone (which i didnt want to again ill explain more about all this in another post). This time my parents drove me fucking 3 hours there and back for nothing. About a week or so later i entered a rehab facility 4 and a half hours from where i live. I drove myself again. I was under the assumption it would be guys and girls (it wasn't). There were alot more things i assumed and it wasn't the case. This will also be another post. But i left 24 hours in due to safety issues and drugs literally in the facility. Which was partially my fault.

Okay so my recovery hasn't been so good. I am currently using still and felt overwhelmed for about a whole month. I kept telling myself okay i will call the new rehab tomorrow. Then tomorrow turned into a month. I didn't even realize i was doing it until a month went by.

I have found a new detox facility a bit closer to home..2 hours lmao. I live in the middle of nowhere btw. So 2 hours is nothing, i drive two hours to get my fix every week so.. no big deal. Except this one was super hard to find because the name of it wasn't anything to do with detox or heroin or ya know. I'm not sure if i am going to be accepted or if they have an opening yet because i haven't called. And im not going to until i have everything in my life in order. They also have a really nice rehab that IS coed. It's also not in a hospital, its more holistic.

So that is where im at currently. I probably will call them on monday or tuesday of next week. I had to get some cash together, my clothes washed and packed, and i also had some random shit coming in the mail that i knew would get stolen if i didnt wait. But for the most part- everything is in order. So next week i could be getting clean again for the 4th time.

So this is me. Im sam. Which i should mention isn't really my name haha. But it is my favorite name. Always love samantha from totally spies. Maybe when i start getting clean and actually have more than 5 days, i will reveal my ugly mug. Thought about starting a tiktok but who knows. Social media has never really been my thing. But you know that because im literally starting a blog on tumblr i 2023 lmfao.

Anyways, sorry for the horrible format. Just kind of writing this spur of the moment. Just wanted to introduce myself. This blog will be about my sobriety journey with no fucking bullshit. That's one thing i hate. When people get clean and they pull the omggg jesus saved me. Or they get clean and forget that dirty part of themselves. I never want to forget this part of me because it's made me who i am. I will never be ashamed of that.

Talk soon. Please be safe out there. Message me if you need anything. It gets better.

xoxo sam

#Addiction #heroin #drugs #tw drugs #sex and drugs #drugs cw #drugs mention #alcohol #smoking #sober #soberlife #clean and sober #sober thoughts #soberliving #sobriety #recovery #healing journey #alcoholism #it gets better #tw addiction #substance use #cw drug use #tw alcohol #self pitty #love #intervention #A&E intervention #drug rehab #drug detox #medicine

[appreciatingtokrev]

hi! sorry for disappearing, i was feeling a bit down and then i 🫠 for a little while after that. yes, nfsw is a massive no but like you said there are other topics that shouldn't be discuss about. it actually is but a person will either get upset or find it rude, depending on their mindset but i suppose it's both like a double edged sword. those relationships def are treated as inferior but the friendships that turn into relationships are probably criticise most esp if the parties been friends for years but you can't force feelings to come out at an acceptable time if it ever happens 🤷‍♀️ that's true, a relationship need to be stable before progressing more.

it is a bit unfair esp if the newer users become massive fans, there are playthroughs on youtube but from what i've seen, it is a bit jumbled up and all over the place. i'm assuming you must have a lot of weapons then? oh i see, are they both mobile based? fans want a nintendo switch port for GI. it is a bit of a random topic lol. that's true and it would be super hard too, the spellings for my mum and her siblings overlaps a lot, they have double e in all their names. it's been a cool topic to talk about but it's finished now 🤣 that sound like an awkward situation to be in, i hope your teachers never thought that for like signed permissions slips for school's trips 😭 did you guys ever have problem with telling which one is your mail/posted package considering the initials thing. ah my dad and my names spelling are very similar (we have the same letters expect for one that isn't in mine) along with the initials so someone accidentally gave my option of voting to my dad because they skimmed through our names 😂 i did asked my dad if this was planned regarding our names and he said no.

also, i saw a short animated of koko accidentally confessing to inupi and it made me wonder what happened to inupi in the bonten timeline and his relationship with koko.

oh don’t worry, i’m glad that you’re back & feeling better again! <3

yup, agreed

yep. my ex & i tried to love each other romantically and force the feelings, aaand it did not work out lol. in hindsight i’m amazed we managed to go 8 months lmao. funny story too bc we’re both aroace now so it was double stupid. we also didn’t talk at all for 2 years (bc i had them blocked afhjfhg) but we started talking again last week and it’s going great now that we’ve both grown and realised that we’re way better off as friends so i’m not too upset abt our past mistakes anymore lol. anyway, lesson learnt, forcing relationships or love does NOT work out, no matter how desperately you want it to. also agreed, relationships definitely need to be stable to move on bc if they’re not it just keeps getting harder to somehow make them stable (again).

yeah, true. i mean yes.. to be fair i’ve been playing for a really long time and for most of that i’ve been playing it daily so,, hoyoverse (i think i called the company mihoyo in my last reply? they used to be called mihoyo but changed their name to hoyoverse idk a year or so ago but i keep forgetting adhjf) now releases all of their games for both mobile & pc, and i think gi, hi3rd, and hsr are for ps4 & ps5 too? honestly not sure, i play them all on pc. ah yes, the switch port... i used to be kinda excited for it but i’ve lost hope for getting one soon (if ever) bc we were promised one two and a half years ago and nothing’s been done ever since 💀

funny thing my dad is a teacher at my school so he knows some of my teachers a bit & even is friends with one lol so i never really had any problems with our signatures after explaining why they’re so similar. idk abt other places but on the post here there’s always your full name so we never had problems with that. tho i’ve had a bunch of other teachers from my school text me on teams thinking they were texting my father bc our usernames on there (bc school) are almost the same afhjgfjshd

ah lol, that seems annoying

oh i think i know which animation that was bc i think i’ve seen it too! i personally hc that they went no contact or at least barely have any contact even if they’re both not really happy with that (especially koko) but they think it’s for the best. i just think inupi wouldn’t want any associations with criminals and koko wouldn’t want inupi to have associations with criminals bc of him either, so... tho that’s pretty sad afhjggfh but imo the most realistic version of them in bonten

#tho i have a ton of diff hcs n dislike choosing between them #i just mostly see inupi with draken (romantic or platonic) in the bonten timeline & i think he’d like to settle down & distance himself+ #from crime and stuff. he just wants a peaceful life yk #and koko thinks that inupi deserves a happy peaceful life and if inupi can’t have that if he’s still part of his life... he’s fine with+ #not being part of his life anymore. bc it’s for the best. and possibly inupi’s happiness #tho i also think they will always miss each other when apart even if the hurt grows to be less it’s always there somewhere #☆—`ask #anon: z

[malice-and-meat]

6 question tag thingy my amazing friend @youngmasterwisdomperson tagged me in awhile ago that i forgot to do lol

1. Last song I listened to

talk back by harley poe. harley poe is, in general, one of my favorite artists to sing along to in the car. all his songs are catchy and fairly easy to jam along to. it doesn't hurt that he's not the greatest singer either so i don't feel like i have to try too hard lol. but talk back is a very special song to me for other reasons. recognizing your mental health is killing you and your relationships, then getting better only to realize it doesn't magically fix everything.. yeah. yeah that hits.

2. Last TV show

just finished the last of us. LOVE IT. unforunately i only know 1 person who's played the game and the show so i only have him to talk about it with, but i'm very normal about it i love it so much

3. Currently watching

i've been watching mandalorian s3 and D20 neverafter as they've been coming out. i LOVE neverafter a lot, might be a contender for my fave D20 show, but we'll see. i'll probably have to watch more than just fantasy high s1 and 2 and the seven lol.

4. Currently Reading

siiiiigh i'm in a reading drought rn, besides my friend's book where he releases chapters weekly (hi kalyn). i was in a book club reading confederacy of dunces, which i really enjoyed! but we kept bickering internally what day to meet and the club grew so big it was impossible to accommodate everyone's schedules. eventually culminating in me getting yelled at for not just picking a day (note: i am not any form of leader or organizer, it didn't have one which was prob the issue) and then fizzling out after half the club simultaneously without discussing w the other half decided to skip a few weeks. since then i haven't read anything and i was honestly too mad about the whole thing to finish the book lol. i do want to start another one up though, i really LOVED the whole 2 weeks of discussion before people got pissy.

5. Current obsession

oh god i always have multiple obsessions at once. minecraft is probably the biggest one at the moment, my gf makes packs (although if you're reading this you probably already know that lol) and she released a new one focusing on origins/create a few weeks ago. needless to say i've already racked up 50 or so hours in it w multiple long term projects lined up lol. having a lot of fun!

6. Unrelated obsession

so many. i have too many special interests and not enough people to talk about them with. tlou being one. star wars, although i'm caught up enough that it's a lot more passive rn. always obsessed w birds and dragons and fantasy in general. d&d, ttrpgs, that kind of thing. my friend's book (hi kalyn). typography, graphic design, illustration, animation, or art in general if you want to be INCREDIBLY broad. music, god i love music. to my extreme embarrassment i have secret aspirations for youtube/podcasting of some kind. i have ideas, but it will probably always be a dream, probably due to the embarrassment. working on a minecraft texture pack rn as well! progress is slow honestly, but it's fun to work on in my freetime. i enjoy writing essays and reviews/critiques but those usually don't see the light of day, if they ever escape my brain. uh i think that's about it. ik it asked for obsession (singular) but i have many thoughts in my brain and i don't think ppl ever know that bc it sometimes doesn't occur to me to vocalize them lolz

honestly, kalyn you tagged everyone ik who's active on tumblr. so uh. this is an open call to all my inactive pals who never post *cough cough* yucky elliott max *cough cough*

#i rember #dal talks