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essaysbyciara · 5 years

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Thy Neighbor (Chapter 3)

(Chapter 1) (Chapter 2)

I REALLY appreciate the love, y’all. Thank you for reading. I sat on this story for about a month because I was lightweight terrified lol. If you would like to be added onto the taglist, let me know!

She heard the heavy tapping of the headboard and the muffled screams. Trevante’s dates couldn’t keep it down even if they tried. Usually, Ciara could tune it all out. At its worst she put on her favorite podcast, full blast from her headphones, and waited for the sex scene next door to be over. It also didn’t help that Ciara is trying her damndest to be celibate. Sex wasn’t coming to her door every night like it was for Trevante. So Trevante’s trysts were absurd.

As she laid in bed in annoyance, her mind drifted back to that morning when she held Trevante in her arms. It had been a while since she gave a man that type of energy. Her last being her ex-boyfriend. He was nothing like Trevante: thin frame, thick glasses, wicked smart. They could talk about the world’s problems for hours and how they were going to fix them -- together. He was as nerdy as she was, as awkward as she was. And he was her first. He made her feel things that she never felt before, made her mind wander in class and her hand twitch in anticipation of the night ahead. And moved her to make the same noises she heard from Trevante’s apartment.

She thought he was going to be the last to make her sound that way. When she graduated from college and started working in non-profits, she changed. She was at high power meetings and he wasn’t. She would miss dates for networking events, ditch weekend trips for work retreats. She started to distance herself from their future to focus squarely onto her own. When she had the opportunity to move to Philadelphia to go to the graduate school of her dreams, she made the decision without his consideration. He wasn’t on her radar. So he left.

And she felt it. Moving into her apartment was the lonliest day she never imagined. The person that motivated her to achieve her dreams, the one that made her think she was the Michelle to his Barack wanted nothing to do with her. And in revenge, she set out to prove that she didn’t need him.

Drug dealers from Southwest Philly. International MBAs with broken English. White boys looking to try something different. Her apartment was a turnstall for every man she wanted. She became irresistible: the drug dealers thought she was innocent, the MBAs thought she was such a bad girl. But then she met her match.

Ciara met Y’lan at a speaker’s series at their school. He had a honey brown complexion with a soft build and wide smile. His Atlanta accent crept as he spoke. He was nothing like Ciara had ever seen before: beautiful and smart. Knew every rap lyrics on the radio but wouldn’t miss a Sunday at church. He worked in faith based non profits, looking to maybe one day become a minister. But he thought his calling wasn’t in the pulpit but in the streets with the people.

He could talk to men on the corner about faith and family, never chastising them for not holding the same faith as his own. He could walk into schools and speak to students about education, talking in their language and relating to their stories. He could walk into any church and convince them to support programming for children. He was built for that life.

When Y’lan met Ciara, he felt something that he never felt before. Her wide glasses made her seem studious, her four inch heels made her seem daring. Ciara’s confidence about her plus-size frame was evident too. She carried herself as if she was the finest thing moving and Y’lan could feel that. In all the right -- and wrong -- places. When she challenged the speaker on the panel, his heart skipped a beat. He thought he met the one.

But she wasn’t ready to be anybody’s. Ciara would have one foot in the church and the other stepping hanging the bed of a Meek she met weeks prior. She wasn’t committed. And she knew it. One day, she had enough. As she left a date’s apartment, she sat in her car and bawled. She knew that she coped from the lost of her ex-boyfriend the wrong way. She knew that she couldn’t keep up this lifestyle. In that moment she cried out and God heard her.

Walking out of that conference, she was primed to be the person she knew she could be. As she grabbed her things, Y’lan gently tapped her on the shoulder.

“That question was incredible. I was wondering if anyone was going to say something about that.”

“Thanks! I just couldn’t sit there just … especially being the only Black people in the room, I couldn’t…”

“No, I … I get you. I, uh, am on my way to grab some coffee. Would you like to join me?”

Ciara hesitated. Y’lan was the finest man she had seen in quite some time. His frame, that smile, that accent. Genuine poured from his energy. But she couldn’t. She knew that this wasn’t the time to engage anyone. Even though her body was ready for whatever Y’lan had in store for her.

“I would love to but I have class super early tomorrow.” As she started to walk away, she felt a tinge of relent. “But here’s my number. We can definitely meet up soon.” Y’lan watches Ciara walk away, trying to downplay the lust cascading throughout his body.

That phone call was two hours and 15 minutes. They talked about everything, sharing their faith stories and life’s dreams. He admitted that she made his heart skip when she asked that question at the event. She admitted that she wanted to get coffee with him that night but decided against it because she didn’t want to rush.

It was as if they laid their hearts out on the line for each other to see who would be afraid first. They both refused to walk away.

It would continue this way. They’d meet up for coffee in the morning, sitting at the same table, talking about their upcoming day. Phone calls until three in the morning. Sunday lunches, Saturday night music sessions.

But they never committed to each other. Ciara couldn’t form the words and Y’lan was too afraid. This would be his first relationship since joining ministry. He didn’t know how he could handle it all especially the feelings inside of him. Y’lan wanted to have sex with Ciara. All of his other relationships went down that way but he knew things would have to be different this time. It racked him for hours, wanting to text her to come over. Thinking of ways to go some of the way but not all with her.

Ciara would always keep a set of DD batteries at her disposal. She wanted Y’lan too but knew she couldn’t. When he would leave, her right drawer would open instantly. Thought it felt good in the moment, she would always feel a tinge of shame. She wondered if he went home and did the same thing. He did. The thought would be enough for her to feign to know what he sounded like, to watch him bring himself to release. And her drawer would reopen. Like clockwork.

They both thought it was only them in agony until they found themselves in a place where they could express it.

Y’lan watched Ciara as she packed her things to go home for Spring Break. As her luggage started to spill over, he felt like he needed to spill out what was going on in his heart.

“I’m going to miss you. Straight up.”

“You know you could have came home with me. My family would like you. We got a couchbed in the house, you could have stayed with us.”

“That’s cool. I just… lots to do here with the program and stuff. I just…”

“What’s up, Y’lan? What’s up?”

Ciara sits on Y’lan’s lap and his heart starts to explode. She never did that. The thoughts started to brew and his breath became short.

“I guess I don’t want to forget about me like ol’ boy…” Ciara slowly moved off of Y’lan in slight disgust. He never brought up her ex but in a moment that could have drawn them closer, he makes him a point.

“The fuck you mean by that…?”

“You like to go away and forget about people, so…”

“You gotta go. Wow.”

Y’lan was a sabotager. When he didn’t want to hurt, he brought it onto other people. Things couldn’t be good for long, they were never meant to be.

“Yo, Ciara. I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you.”

Ciara hurries Y’lan out of her apartment. Stuck in a place between desperation and rage, she grabs her phone. The cats from Southwest Philly seemed mighty tempting in that moment. But she stops when she hears a soft knock on her door. As much as she doesn’t want to let Y’lan in, she knew in her heart that she wanted to fix things. That there had to be an explanation for what was said. She knew Y’lan’s heart.

“I’m sorry!” Y’lan screams from the other side of the door. As Ciara slowly opens the door, Y’lan walks in, instantly grabbing her by her waist. He whispers apologies into her ear, telling her that he doesn’t want to lose her. As she feels her body fall into his, he grabs her chin, pulling her in for a kiss. They were never this soft.

“Can we…” She dreaded that question, only wanting to say yes. As she leans her head into his, her lips part. She knows what she wants to do. He feels it radiate from her. One moment before they leave. Something to hold them over until she returns.

“We can’t.” Y’lan knew that was the right answer even though it felt so wrong. He kisses her on her forehead and releases her from his hold. He slowly starts to walk to her door.

“Wait, Y’lan. You don’t have to leave.”

“Nah. I think it’s best.”

Ciara stands there bewildered. She didn’t think telling him no would be enough for him to leave. She also didn’t know that he felt overwhelmed with guilt. So much that her calls and text went unanswered while Ciara was home on break. So much that when she got back to Philadelphia, she went to their favorite coffee shop the following morning, sat at the same table, and he never showed up. So much that she went to the next speaker series looking to find him and he was nowhere to be found. So much that when he saw her reading in the courtyard, he turned around to walk the other way. So much that he felt called to move away from the city. To sabotage his world as punishment for leaving her alone.

Ciara wanted to sabotage Trevante’s night. As she finished another episode of her podcast, the moans and screams from the other side became louder.

How could Trevante show so much disrespect after what Ciara did for him? Why is he coping with grief the same way that she did? He didn’t he recognize that Ciara wanted to show another act of love by making him food and keeping him company. Why didn’t Trevante want her company?

As she walked into the kitchen, she looks at the plate of food she made for Trevante. Even after all of that, she kept her promise. As she mulls over whether to eat it or follow through with her side of the deal, she hears his door open and close. “Track body” was finally gone, she thought. Suddenly, Ciara felt pushed to deliver.

“I have a plate for Trevante.” Ciara stands tall as she notices Trevante’s date open up the door with confidence. She didn’t care that she was still there. Her anger -- and sexual angst -- were enough for her to disregard her meekness.

“Uh, ummm...but ain’t you…”

Trevante picks up his pace as he hurries back from the trash room hoping to put out of the eventual fire that was about to happen.

“Hey, Ciara … hey, thanks…”

“I told you I got you…” Ciara winks and adds an extra switch to her walk back into her apartment.

“Yo, Tre. Who this bi-”

Ciara smirks as she walks back into her apartment.

He is so trash.

Taglist:

@blackpinup22

#trevante rhodes x fanfiction #trevante rhodes #y'lan noel #fanfic

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hotmessharry · 7 years

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Fight - Imagine

- Harry is suffering from depression and thinks you will leave him

***

His face was shadowed as he lay curled into my side, his head nestled deep into my neck, his soft, steady breaths fanning warm, sweet air across my skin. We lay in silence, the room illuminated by nothing more than a single lamp beside the bed. A gentle breeze whispered through the open window, the curtains billowing into the room with each gust. We had not spoken since my arrival, our greeting heralding nothing more than a long, firm embrace which spoke all that could be said until we could find a moment alone. Our legs were intertwined where we lay, my body sinking into the soft bed as I rested on my back, one arm trapped beneath Harry’s head, the other hand laced with his which rested on my stomach.

“Are you ready to talk about it?” I asked into the silence, my whispered words seemed so loud as they were swallowed by the room. A deep breath was expelled against my skin as his body shifted next to mine, but he didn’t remove himself from me.

“You can talk to me” I said softly.

“I know” he whispered, “I just don’t know what to say”. His words were slow and melancholy, a vast contrast to the way he had spoken when I arrived, he had been light, and bubbly, and full of laughter for there were others around, others which needed to believe the charade he was putting on. But I could see the sadness in his eyes, the life was taken from them, the light which shone so bright behind the startling green was snuffed, and all that was left was sorrow.

“I just feel so sad, all the time” he mumbled. My hold around him tightened and I shifted my head to place a gentle kiss on the top of his head. His hair was dull, and a thin layer of grease coated each strand, I could not guess when he last showered.

“Why are you sad, my love?” he shrugged against my body. I ran my thumb over his knuckles, “tell me”.

“So much had happened, so much has been said, and so much is left still to do. I cannot keep this up for much longer Y/N” he said vaguely, but I understood the meaning behind his words. He was tired. My poor Harry, my sweet, innocent boy, who had nothing but love and respect to give to the world, was tired. Tired of being beaten down, tired of being called things he was not, tired of being paraded around the world like a circus animal. His father-figure had just passed, but he was given so little time to grieve the loss, within weeks he was back before the world, back, it would seem, to his jolly old self. But a person can only wear a mask for so long, and Harry’s mask was slipping.

“Tell me what to do Harry, what can I do?” I begged. I felt so helpless, he promised that all I needed to do was hold him, be there for him, love him the way I always had. But as he lay here, his frail body curled into mine for shelter, I felt completely useless. He shook his head against the crook of my neck.

“I don’t know Y/N” he whimpered. Silence once more.

“You didn’t have to come” he said eventually, but his actions negated his words as he pressed himself further into my side, the arm around my waist tightening around my body, the other still tucked beneath my back. The arm which lay beneath his neck shifted, and I twisted my hand to run my fingers through his tangled hair, gently teasing out the knots and twisting the strands between my fingers.

“Yes I did. I couldn’t leave you here alone” I said.

“I am alone” he replied. I opened my mouth to speak but he continued before any sound passed my lips. “I know I’m not alone, but that’s how I feel. I feel like my misery is a burden to you, to everyone. Whenever you call, I feel like I can’t tell you how I’m truly feeling, that I’ll worry you into such a state and you will end up in the same mess I’m in. I never want you to feel like this Y/N, never. I feel so hollow, so lifeless. There is no way out of this” he said, his words laboured with pain. My heart clenched in my chest and my eyes stung from the tears I tried to keep at bay.

“There is always a way out Harry” I said honestly. I wanted so desperately to take this away from him, to feel what he is feeling and return him to his glorious, bubbly self. But I had read depression is one of the loneliest conditions to have, and until he realised that he was surrounded by people who love him and who need him, I feared there would be no way out of the hole he had descended in to.

He shifted his head to look up at me and I, in turn, tilted my chin to meet his gaze.

“How Y/N, how do I get out of this?” he asked. I let my eyes waver between his. They were wide, sad and dull.

“I don’t know Harry” I whispered.

“You’re going to leave me” he mumbled, his sad eyes running over every detail of my face, like he was trying to memorise what he saw before I crumbled beneath his touch and disappeared like a puff of smoke.

“Why would I ever leave you, my love?” I asked.

“Because there will come a time when you won’t be able to deal with his. Where my mood will bring you down, it will bring you down to my level and you will leave. If I can’t get through this, you won’t stay with me” he said, his voice cracking mid-sentence as his hands gripped me tighter, his arms clutching my body closer to his. His words dripped with defeat, like he had given up on himself without even trying, without even giving himself a chance to prove how strong he is. A single tear leaked from the corner of my eye. Harry unlaced his fingers from mine and reached up to brush it away.

“Don’t cry” he whispered.

“How can I not?” I choked, as another tear crept down the path of the first. “You ask me not to cry, yet still I have to lie here and listen to you beat yourself down. How can I not get upset when the man I love holds me and tells me he has given up on himself?” I shifted from his hold and slid down the bed, twisting to face him so that we lay eye level with one another, our noses almost brushing. He latched himself back on to me once I had settled.

“You are strong Harry, so incredibly strong, but you aren’t fighting this. Instead you sit here and give in to the demons inside your head. You are loved, and adored by so many, myself included. But this is killing me, to see you so low and beaten down by the world. You need to fight this Harry. I won’t leave you. Until the day comes and you turn around and say that you don’t love me anymore, I won’t leave you, but I can’t do this for you. You must do this for yourself” I rushed. My hands had found their way to his cheeks, my thumb brushing over his cheekbone as I pulled his body closer to mine.

“I will never stop loving you Y/N” he said firmly, his voice holding the most conviction I had heard since arriving. His face was hard and his eyes held a new found determination which, if only for a moment, eradicated all his sorrow.

“Then you must do this Harry, you must do this for us” I said firmly. But he shook his head.

“No my love, I’ll do it for you”.

*********************************************

So this imagine means quite a lot to me. Not long ago I was suffering from depression and it was the lonliest period of my life. So I tried to transfer some of what I was feeling into Harry’s character.

Thanks to @gemmadorrego @lovingstyles87 and @harrywavycurly (and the rest of The HSquad) for helping me out with this one and giving me their valued feedback! Love you all!

- Steph

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the-invisible-overlooked-one · 7 years

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My (seemingly) "UNbeliveable" Life-Story:

(a "SOLO-carreer" )

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My life had been totally DEVOID of "female youth" from the very beginning: I have had NO sister, NO girl-friend, NO fiancée, NO wife, NO daughter EVER ! :((( All my Life up to now I had been trying IN VAIN to get to know & to get in close proximity & finally into a relationship with a YOUNG Lady or Girl. :´-(

I was NOT allowed to be the Brother of a Sister, the Boy-Friend of a Girl-Friend, the Fiance of a Fiancee, the Husband of a Wife, nor the Father of an own Daughter.

Thanks to the fear, mistrust and shyness of you Ladies I have nothing but been alone all my life. :-(

And instead of explaining to me, what disturbes you talking to me & looking at me (and what I could possibly change), you just say: “I don´t believe, you never had a girl-friend. I think you´re joking!” :-O Or you just ask ME: "What has been the reason for the failure ?", allthough I hoped to learn THAT from YOU. :-(

I have several UNmet needs & lacks of needs concerning the YOUNG Femininity to yet satisfy:

For brotherly/sisterly Love, for Love in Life-Partnership & Relationship & for fatherly/daughterly Love.

In meinem einsamen Leben hat das "Junge, Weibliche" immerzu nur gefehlt, schon von Anfang an: Ich hatte keine Schwester, keine Freundin, keine Frau, keine Tochter !!! :(((

Ich durfte kein Bruder einer Schwester sein, kein Freund einer Freundin, kein Verlobter einer Verlobten & kein Vater einer Tochter.

Dank dem Mißtrauen & der Scheu und Angst von Euch Damen war ich mein ganzes Leben lang nur allein. :-(

Und statt mir zu erklären, was Euch so sehr an mir stört (und ich ggf. daran ändern könnte), sagt Ihr mir nur: “Das glaube ich Dir nicht, daß Du noch NIE ne Freundin hattest. Ich vermute, Du veralberst mich!” :-O

Oder ihr fragt mich: "WORAN scheiterte es denn immer ?", obwohl ICH doch diese Frage endlich von EUCH geklärt zu bekommen hoffte. :-(

Daher habe ich MEHRERE UNerfüllte Bedürfnisse & Bedürfnis-Mängel gegenüber JUNGER Weiblichkeit auszugleichen:

Nach geschwisterlich-schwesterlicher Liebe, nach lebenspartnerschaftlicher Liebe & Beziehungserfahrung & nach väterlich-töchterlicher Liebe.

Dans ma vie solitaire, il n´y a eu de la Jeunesse féminine ou de la jeune Fémininité jamais ! Je n´ai eu une sœur, une amie, une coupine, une fiancée, une femme, une épouse ou une propre fille de moi-même jamais !!! :(((

Grâce à la peur et défiance de vous femmes je n´ai été que seul toute ma vie. :-(

Et au lieu de m´expliquer ce que vous gênes de parler avec moi et regarder moi (, et me dire ce que je peux changer peut-être), vous me disez: >>Je ne croix pas, que tu n´ais eu d´amie jamais ! Je pense, que tu raconte des bobards !<<

Ou vous demandez moi: >>C´était à cause de QUOI ?<< , bien que MOI, je veux apprendre ca de VOUS ! :O

Je n'ai pas été autorisé à être le frère d'une soeur, le garçon-ami d'une amie-fille, le fiancé d'une fiancée, le mari d'une femme, ni le père d'une propre fille.

What can I do ????? …. :-S

Que puis-je faire ????? ..... :-s

WAS kann ich tun ????? .... :-s

Ich hatte leider noch NIEMALS eine Freundin oder Frau. :-( Wer mag mir helfen, das zu ändern ? :-)

I never ever had a girl-friend or wife in my whole life. :-( Who wants to help me to change that ? :-)

Je n´ai eu d´amie ou femme jamais ! :-( Qui veut m´aider à changer ça ? :-)

Please send Post to the following adress (I am NOT here in the Internet truely ;-) !):

GERHARD MARTIN , the lonliest Man in the Universe

D-7900 Freiburg

Germany

(Elternanschrift / Adress at Parents / Adresse chez les Parents: D-87527 Sonthofen, Germany)

PLEASE WRITE ME LETTER-POST INSTEAD OF E-MAILS. I AM NOT really HERE in the internet ; I AM OUTSIDE IN THE REAL WORLD: :-D

Bitte schreibt mir Brief-Post, Leute ! Ich bin schließlich nicht "hier" im Indernetz, sondern DRAUSSEN in der Wirklichkeit. :-D

Écrivez-moi des lettres, pas d´e-mail, s´il vous plaît ! Je ne suis pas "ici" à l` internet; je suis dedans la réalitée. :-D

Raitim Leta long mi , plis. Mi no stap long "hia", long internet. Mi stap arasait, long laip tru . :-D

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(1.): CLAIM OF RESPONSIBILITY:

INexperiencedness, aloofness, shyness and "(in)voluntary" Celibacy

I am thoroughly fed up & through with ….

I am a lonely “Upper-Allgäuer”-Ian in exile” trying to escape from winter and loneliness. At the risk that no one believes me, but I am now already 37 years young and had unfortunately still NOT A SINGLE girl-friend or wife ever before. (That it is because of my physical appearance, I do not really believe, but for some unknown reason, pretty young women are always just passing by, just like I’m not there. Or are they just as UNcertain as I am ? :-S ). For 21 years I had imagined a completely one-sided relationship with a (former) classmate as being “my girl-fried”, and now I’m glad I finally woke up and finally would like so much to catch up. I want to learn & experience what it means to give true emotional and physical love and finally get it in return. I would like to let YOU help me in this. 0:-) Important to me is particularly unsparing honesty and openness, so addiction to romance, to relationship and to misunderstood physical love (Sex-rubbish) may get NO breeding ground, as well as “abstinence-from-love”-addictions.

https://www.publishersweekly.com/978-0-06-254860-3

https://www.harpercollins.com/9780062276032/escape-from-intimacy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otynMEeMStg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOYAPOk5rpY

To me it is all about the showing of vulnerability (need-based awareness, understanding & communication). I am afraid when I think back to the experienced lonely years. :O Many problems I’ve caused just myself (especially my own aloofness), but unfortunately, I am anything but an “expert on women” (although I would like to be, and always wanted to be); maybe that´s because I only grew up with two brothers. (I now also accept more and more the question of how much the women are “experts on women” THEMSELVES or not, or to what extent they may be “experts on men” …and how much I am an “expert on men” myself ???)

What I openly want to admit with this, is:

The behavior of women is simply a book of 7,777,777 seals for me, but I’ve learned that one usually THEN is sending out unintelligible signals or double-messages when he / she is NOT really aware of what he / she even wants to express and to achieve. I myself will therefore say more consciously: I have great fear of rejection and discouragement by women, which I like, because I’ve NEVER experienced anything different before. :O I feel loneliness, sadness and helplessness for 37 years now, because if I get no response(s) of YOUNG women & Girls (except contempt and withdrawal) at all, then I do not know how I can fulfill my need for female solidarity and closeness. I am intimidated by discouragement and allegations very quickly, because I have truely a lot of respect for women, but maybe I do not dare to express that enough ? :-S What hurts me most of all, is when I read, that even veritable dream-girls write to me, that they do not really believe me that I’d never had a girl-friend or wife by my side, ever. :O :( But the tragic irony is that NONE of them really offers any interest towards me or even WANTS to have me around. At least I conclude this from their more than restrained reactions. Perhaps it´s because they assume & imply that I would be a Macho-man, who had LOTS & LOADS of girl-friends yet. That makes me infinitely sad. :( Women say about themselves, they want to be “CONQUERED” ; … I´m afraid I am a pacifist, not a conqueror. :O)

If this text touches your soul, then you’ve already helped me to some extent, as far as you tell me SO, too. :) Please dare to break the silence that is almost audible in the room. Since August 2011 I have now even embraced the first pretty young women (… which of course have all had someone as a boy-friend, as they revealed to me ).

But there´s a LOT more possible I´m sure ! :) And I want to have one or two own children! =D (Especially a daughter, something young & female for once in my life)

I wait, (-but not for the sake of waiting-) on your request or offer ! :D

Hopefully see you soon ! Dare, please !!! :) (I still did not get TOO close to any woman yet ! ;-)

I have the love-experience of a 12 - or 13-year old Teenager. :O I know of no kiss, no fondling, no long-term cuddling, caressing …not even an amorous look in each other´s eye. :(

I sure cannot do EVERYTHING ALL ALONE, right ??! ;-)

GERHARD

https://www.studiblog.net/2014/06/04/why-women-dont-like-nice-guys/

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(2.): REMNANTS FROM THE PAST & SELF-FULFILLED DIAGNOSISES:

Thanks to the fear, anxiety and mistrust of you ladies I had been alone all my life. :-(

And instead you´d tell me what bothers you so much about me (and what I could possibly change) you only tell me: “I do not believe, that you have NEVER had a girl-friend ! I guess you´re joking ! ” :-O Or, YOU ask ME: “WHAT was the CAUSE for the constant failure ?” even though I hoped to get this issue finally resolved by YOU. :-(

And everything began THIS way:

CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL of KEMPTEN (Upper-Allgäu, Bavaria) 1975:

Parents just used to hand over their children to Strangers & leave them to the hospital, and doctors just used to send parents back home. It was common practice in "children´s hospitals" at that time. Beds for the relatives of the children weren´t even THERE.

Twice (at age 8 months & age 1 year and 1 month) I had emotional experiences of complete neglection of my needs for DAYS, accompanied by most careful “medi-cynical” care:

- “Lumbar puncture” ( removal/extraction of "liquor" from the interior of the spinal cord )

- “when bumping it, Child shows no compensatory movements, child simply drops to”

- “Tendons-Reflexes can not be assessed, because of intense crying”

- "Arms always held far to the side, when sitting and lying"

"permanent holding the arms spread aside NOT noticed (by the Parents)"

- X-rays, blood serum levels, EEG, ECG, antibiotics, …

- Etc. …

+ BUT: no love, no peaceful proximity, closeness, nest-warmth, basic-trust or being accepted :-(

Moreover, my “other-directed” mother stopped to breastfeed me after 4 weeks , on the advice of the violent “child experts”. This would be indeed "obsolete" & “from the Past”, they said …. “empirically superior”. : O

She has expressed the suggestion towards me that I was probably strapped or "fixed" for the sake of extracting liquid from my spinal cord. :-S :-O :-(

My mother said that she had noticed I had changed a lot after she had brought me back home from the Children’s Hospital. I had become a cry-baby, if only she wanted to touch me or just turn on the back.

I have an image in mind:

Could some hopelessly overworked nurse no longer bear my screaming for my parents , and started to choke, shake and jolt me out of helplessness and UNawareness for needs ? :O

UNTILL TODAY I feel strange sensations of narrowness, tightness and crampedness in my throat, and a racing pulse in my throat. Sometimes even spinning-sensations and dizziness !

I can only imagine that I have experienced my life depending completely to the weal and woe of a young woman, which had not responded empathically to my desperate cries, but with almost lethal VIOLENCE instead. That would explain WHY I confronted pretty young women all my life, as though I would beg them to let me live. Women write to me, I seem to be “cramped” to them, so they feel overwhelmed, overburdened & overtaxed.

For the following empathic words of a nice lady (after a “seemingly fruitless” Rendez-vous) I am really very grateful:

“You know, maybe you’re searching too desperate. I believe you, that you want to know love for once. But the more you try something desperately, the less it works.

It can also scare off , if a woman reads that you haven´t had any experience, that you have never had a girl-friend, but you really want it desperately. Thus, the woman is under pressure.

You are very open and honest, but maybe you should not divulge & reveal so much from you IN THE FIRST PLACE ?!

For a proper acquaintance one needs time, patience; and perhaps you expect too much at once? You are certainly very desperate when it comes to love. But you also really leave that impression, one can notice so. “

YES ! This creates mutual fears of expectations, I’m sure. And love sure cannot be “forced”.

I am now trying to learn to trust and use the trust into the knowledge, that GENERALLY any woman can love ME at any time !

Then I am hopeful that I send out less signals of aloofness…and can get back more signals of proximity. It ALL depends on reciprocity. 0:-)

March, 4. / 5. of 2012: NEVER AGAIN “UNtouched”:

My first night of love:

I have now, after 37 1/2 years of complete loneliness, made love with a young woman for the very first time. How joyful & loving ! ^_^ ...but also exhausting, overwhelming & overtaxing !!! :-o -_- PHEW !!!

Previously, before THIS date, NOT even ONE GIRL had shown “mercy” to me.

A stigma was taken away from me. :-) … But a real relationship is, unfortunately, still written in the stars … (sigh).

SHE had said, that SHE had made HER "first experiences" with the other Gender at age 12 or 13 ! :-o ...and I did now at the age of 37 1/2 years. Two completely different worlds seem to have "collided" there... but honestly: Maybe it had been a FIRST REAL experience of true closeness & making love for the BOTH of us ?! ;-) 0:-D

And … to react to a hasty, tacit assumption :

No, I’m definitely NOT interested in other MEN ! :-(P I am disgusted by so called “gay” men, who (-I´m sure-) are just irritated about their real love-needs, and I have even once had a harmful, personally disappointing experience with a 50-year-old "gay" man, which I’m still embittered about today. :(( They can ignore me as much as they want, the ladies, but: NO woman had ever been acting SO disrespectingly towards ME, like THIS guy! I feel fear and disgust towards men who do not want to BE one. :O Please confirm to me credibly, that you REALIZE, RECOGNIZE & ACCEPT my needs as a MAN towards young, inviting, fertile, fresh FEMININITY ! O.K. ?

(Here in the Internet, I have, however, also occasionally received sex-addicted offers from women, too. BUT: Not a hundredth as many as YOU might think !!! :-P And Gerhard can already distinguish between real physical love and sex ! You don´t need to worry! To “get rid of women” NEVER had been a problem to me, by the way. :-) But to make contact with young, attractive women, on the other hand, really had been an aggravation, all the more. :-O :-( It scares me when I hear that women RATHER assume, that I was a gay “Homo-Lullu”, than that they would be willing to offer me a chance to get to know them. : (

YOUNG women make it as hard for me as probably possible, I’m afraid. :-(

Since 1995, young ladies DO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE out there in reality. :O (And they even were at a loss for words towards me, BEFORE this.) They behave & act digital-media-addicted and autistic. They talk only with their ears and hear the voices of people who are not there. :-O But I am no longer heard by them. :(

Also, I am aware of irritating evidence of contradictory, UNconscious ways of thinking & feeling, if I get messages here in the Internet:

JUDGEMENTS ONLY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, WHO ARE JUDGING:

For young women, I “am”:

-Too honest and too dishonest

-Too open & too sealed

-too directly & too restraint

-Too alternatively & too conservative

-Too homophobic & too gay-suspicious

-Too attractive & too unattractive

-Too eloquently & too quiet

-Too serious & too cheerful and silly

-Too shy & too briskly

-Too impetuous & too LITTLE Macho

-Too long & too short

-Too picky & too less picky

- Too JUDGED & too few judged

I’m afraid, I do not know, how I ever could even begin to correspond to this convoluted and contradictory claims . :-S

Women probably do NOT know at all what they really want. Can that be true ?:-S

AND …: Women always wish me “Good Luck & Much Success !” …and pass me over to the next, next on,… Lady :-(

I can not stand to hear this anymore ! I´m fed up ! :( Sigh

DARE to approach at least for ONCE !!! What’s wrong with you, Ladies ? :-O

And with the words “I like the way you write!” women make “unmistakably” clear that THIS was the last message from them that I´ll get to read.

And yet another inexplicable Phenomena:

Whenever I actually had a good start with talking to young ladies out in the real world (especially with serene, small, natural, blonde “bundles of joy” :-D), then these ladies soon …had departed to Cologne. :O

For whatever reason just always to THIS place. :-S I wonder now, what they would do, if I moved to Cologne myself. :-S Hmmm ???

I was often told, it wasn´t because of my physical appearance, if women turn away from me so much. But gradually I have SERIOUS doubts about this theory. My appearance seems to deter enormous. : O-BUH! I sure AM the safest “contraceptive” that exists.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wyct_8OL1Zg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSyOb8nKR20

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9N1i9NPGrVA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCkGwz-mrYc

https://www.studiblog.net/2014/06/04/why-women-dont-like-nice-guys/

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(3.): LOVE AT LAST LOOK ? & merely “FLEEING ACQUAINTANCES” :-S

A request:

I feel sad, lonely, desperate, helpless, frustrated, disappointed and totally confused, …even more I ‘m scared if I’m aware of the efforts with which I try, to get female attention of young ladies… but get NOTHING but rejections. :-O :-(

I need feedback, confirmation and encouragement when I turn to young women (who I would like possibly), that it’s O.K. for you when I try to meet you closer.

Otherwise, I do not know how I EVER can satisfy my need for female proximity and closeness … or even just once can meet nice girls for companionship. :-(

Please tell me just ONCE in my lonely life that you like to have my presence and offer to me the chance to make a closer “sniffing” possible …. and how you do feel when you’re reading THIS … O.K. ?

Instead of always assuming hastily, that I´d EVER HAD a girl-friend already. :-O

EUREKA ! I think I got it! :)

Maybe I have found the essential explanation NOW why my efforts towards women, which I liked, had NEVER been rewarded by the hoped-for success:

Ironically, I, who do NOT fulfill or meet one of the popular men’s clichés *, have had (-a lifetime long-) only trust to the “love at first sight”-recipe ??? tz-tz-tz-tz-tz !?

What did I expect to get (except skepticism, confusion, helplessness and uncertainty), if I offer to all young immature ladies, EVERYTHING but what they are USED to receive from men … what they know … and consequently expect ? :-S

Sure, that too fast, hasty & commentless retreat & withdrawal from me (-which I know just too well of young ladies-) , maybe had been a (misread) sign to me, to believe that only in the very first few seconds / minutes of a new meeting a success would be possible. :-S But if I encounter women with EXACTLY THAT attitude & belief , they will be able to feel my impatience, tenseness and anticipatory anxiety. And feelings always come in mirror image: The women then feel that way, too. The danger is unfortunately large that they do not understand to express those emotions … and rather flee instead. :-O

And they HAVE withdrawn from me, a lonely 37-year-old life long. : (

Therefore, I find it so enormously difficult to imagine that even AFTER getting a rejection of a lady who I like, maybe there´s still basically the possibility of a “reconciliation, understanding and forgiveness”. :-S I just had NEVER experienced something different than pretty young ladies turning away from me … without a single word …or even complaining at me. : ( And then LEAVING me, just to be NEVER seen again ! :-X

I’ ve consciously decided to learn patience, confidence and trust in long-term success (with sufficient lead time to “sniff” at each other). Expectations have influence on the result. In longer term, there are plenty of options to re-encounter, as long as one (1.) believes in this… and (2.) tries it in a relaxed manner. :-)

And THEN there will also be a chance of getting to know each other nearer ; at least it´s not completely excluded ;-) ? Right ? ^_^

… Perhaps even love at LATER view?

Then there still remain the KNOWN, other difficulties:

- My shyness and uncertainty caused by the enormous experiences of rejection & failure in young women

- My inexperience with everything "young feminine", because I grew up WITHOUT sister, no girl-friend or wife … and consequently had no daughter, either.

- The wordless fear of women, THAT I was a ruthless macho-man … AND their equally big fear that I was NOT a macho-man.

- The digital media-addicted autism of young ladies today. They do not even notice me when I speak DIRECTLY to them. : (

(I do not even hear: “Heeey, You’re disturbing my wireless reception/connection !” from them.)

- My most fervent desire for DIRECT communication (WITHOUT media-dependency)

- My honesty, openness and questioning mindful view of life

- The painful tragedy that most women (and men) confuse the physical love, the “making love” with sex … and sex with a natural need … and I have quit to do this ,ever since I awoke from my abstinence-addiction.

- OTHER very common misunderstandings about “what love is all about”…like addiction to romance ….or addiction to relationship (either to as MANY ones as possible….or to “the ONLY One” :-O )

- The “-Self-fulfilling-Prohecy”, if I write publicly, no woman would want me

- The lack of economic appreciation for my work.

- my humble life-claims in OTHER affairs, too

* (Macho-Man, womanizer, mama’s boy, swot, intellectual, full failure, “dynamic maker”, etc …)

And: EUREKA! No. 2:

I had another insight:

Since the moment of my procreation I miss a “life-affirming impulse”, a life-and-loving impulse, a “divine spark” …. All my past life, I never had felt “wanted” … just “tolerated” best. : (

But this deficit I can only fill up with the beloved, lacked Things myself. And exactly THIS also explains my error, and my deterrent effect on women:

I have encontered the women who interested me, always in a such a manner that they could perceive my begging. I tried to PERSUADE the ladies to love MYSELF INSTEAD of ME loving myself. : O But actually NO woman in the world is ABLE to do this, and because of this unspoken fear , to be overburdened & overtaxed with such a task, they always drew back from me intuitively. : (

I now can fully understand this. ONLY I myself can learn to accept MYSELF FOR MYSELF…. to be THEN capable of love for someone else. :)

So, I try to accept me now as the “wanted/willed-by-myself.” :) Only if I can cope alone with me -WITHOUT a woman-, then I am ready for a love-relationship WITH a woman. :)

Anyhow, 1 Question still remains absolutely UNanswered:

If the YOUNG women really claim so much, that being CASUAL, RELAXED, OPEN MINDED, OPEN-ENDED, UNselfconscious , UNbiased & NOT binding would be so essential for dating, then I ask myself, WHY the heck these young Ladies & Girls always treated me with such ARTIFICIAL (negative) IMPORTANCE all my Life long, as to EXclude & ignore me so extremely, that one almost could SMELL the Tension !?!? Why do you GIVE such a big , "women-created" Significance to me , by treating me so exceptional & by creating an absolutely artificial Weighting of my Person & my Actions, if you´re really supposedly so much into Easiness, Relaxation, Looseness, Indifference, Non-Commitment & Open-Endedness ???

That´s a fundamental CONTRADICTION for me !!! WHAT do you actually WANT ???

Please CHOOSE & DECIDE finally !!! OK ?

And secondly:

Why is it, that your cold Ignorance, your silent Arrogance, your scary Silence & your emotional Coldness towards Me is so darn EASY for you ?

HOW do you manage so effortlessly to create & hold all this Tension so EASILY , WITHOUT being exposed to any kind of Consequence as a "Mirror-Image", or without receiving any Form of Resonance at all ???

How is is even POSSIBLE, that all your Crampedness & Tenseness towards me stays so FREE of any DISadvantages for YOU ???

Honestly: You´re CREEPY to me ! :-O

https://www.studiblog.net/2014/06/04/why-women-dont-like-nice-guys/

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(4.): WASTED MANLY FRESHNESS:

I am afraid of withering, before I have flourished ever !

"O.K.", you young Ladies & Girls of Middle-Europe:

Now you have ALMOST managed to DO it: If you just let some MORE YEARS of my manly Youth & Freshness go by UNused ... let them slip through my Fingers in vain, ...waste them & ignore them to Death... then I will become finally THAT much withered, that from then on, you can claim a new & very useful Excuse for excluding me & ostracizing me further on: And that IS, that I finally... FINALLY will have become "TOO OLD" for You !!! :-( After apparently having been "TOO YOUNG" for you finicky & picky Ladies all my Life BEFORE !?!? :-/ SIGH :-(

CONGRATULATIONS !!! For such a senseless, nonsensical, UNsatisfactory & self-fulfilling Accomplishment !

Already NOW I have a presentiment of HOW enormously BIG the Sadness & the Fear will be, which I´ll feel, as soon as I in fact will have grown SO OLD, that young & still-fertile Femininity up to Age 40, will turn their back on me , for reasons of "faded, vanished manly Vitality & Freshness" ...after they have let my Attractiveness & Energy slip away in vain & UNused !

How shall I ever MOURN enough for this UNbelieveable, INcredible,...because so UNnecessary & so AVOIDABLE Misery of a completely "overlooked" & bypassed Life of a Man ?!?!

How shall I ever overcome that "Primary Shock" , which I was exposed to very early in Life ( in 1975 , by a young overworked Nurse, who almost STRANGLED me to Death) & ever overcome this (seemingly) INsurmountable deep Ravine, between ME & female Youth/young Femininity, when from now on there´s also the Difference in Age between ME & unused, fresh & fertile Femininity ???

What Perspective & Chance will be left to me, to ever catch UP on all that, which the Girls & Ladies already always had REJECTED to me & have DEPRIVED me of, when I still was young & fresh myself ???

I am afraid, that FEMALE Youth will become only MORE aloof, repellent, unapproachable to me, & thus even MORE scary to me , that way.

And: As this always is a mutual thing..., but the Girls & Women never ever become AWARE (enough) of their own Fears, Insecurity & Confusion, they therefore rather keep their Distance towards me, by judging me & labelling me as being "strange" , "weird" or "suspiciously crazy". :-/

This way, young women & Girls not only distract (themselves) from their own Fears, Insecurity & Confusion, NO, they also add some "artificial Significance" to ME (-without noticing so, of course-), which I definitely do NOT necessarily "need" to have, nor do I WANT to have it !

From the very beginning, I miss also a "consequential Resonance" & a "resonant Consequence" in all the Actions, Activity & Behaviour of female Youth ! WHERE on Earth had ever been the Correlation & the mutual Mirror-Images of the Behaviour, the Feelings & the Needs of young Femininity, compared to MINE ???

WHERE had been any Evidence of THEIR Longings & Wishing & Wanting (towards ME) ???

Why did the Girls & young women always make it AS EASY AS POSSIBLE for me all my Life, to "avoid" THEM (the other way round) in my former Addiction-to-Abstinence ???

Why had this been so darn EASY ...without experiencing ANY Resonance , either for THEM or for ME ???

I do NOT understand that at all !!! This is a Division by Zero !!! Here, the natural Laws known to me, face an arbitrary Exception of NO rational Definition or Explanation !!!

:-/

Soon, I´ll maybe end up like THIS Man here, who stayed young... because he stayed Single !:

among "HE searches HER":

GIRLS, WHAT DO YOU WANT ???

A nice Guy, with Humour, good-natured & a loyal Soul. Someone who will listen to You, understand You ...and who´s ready for any .. well, almost any Deed ! And also is handsome. Then finally open Your Eyes !!

My best Friend is such a Guy, but unfortunately, he´s too shy to talk to You Ladies. With Age 42, he´s probaly just in the right Age for You... so please write to him via E-Mail-Adress....

I am afraid of withering, before I have ever flourished !

From mw OWN personal Life-Experience, I could not even TELL nor KNOW, that Women actually DO have interest in the male Gender at all, ... if there hadn´t been the OLD, withered, worn-off, MARRIED Women , with (almost) grown-up Children !!!

As much as YOUNG Women & Girls have only avoided, ignored, shunned, spurned & "overlooked" me arrogantly all my Youth & my young Adulthood long, the OLD Ladies have been all the more obtrusive, importunate & troublesome towards ME , ever since I was a little Child !!!

From the Days of my Childhood, I was surrounded by nothing but "Aunties" , "Mommies" & "Grannies" !! :-( UGH !

All this almost crossed the line to "Child-Abuse" ! An older Man once used the Word "Prostitution", referring to this Situation.

If only 1 single young Women or Girl only ONCE had pressed so hard on me, adored me , swarmed (a)round me, only 1/thousandth as much, as those Armies of OLD Ladies always have done incessantly since my Childhood, .... if I therefore only ONCE had experienced a Fraction of this exuberant, foaming-over Interest & swollen, bloated Attention of the OLD, barren Femininity, ... by the YOUNG, FRESH, FERTILE & UNused Femininity for a Change, ... then I would be MARRIED now for many Years already ...and I would be the Father of 10 Children !

But instead of that, I have to now fight & fend off the unrelenting Storm & Attack of the encroaching, possessive, seizuring , occupying, possession-taking, "militantly-nice", troublesome, obtrusive, importunate, pushy, withered, used-up, worn-off, expired, faded, weather-worn, married, widowed, UNattractive, sterile, barren ... but horrible, awful, FORMER Femininity, for the Rest of my Life !!!

"Gery" is NOT the Abreviation of "Geriatrics", OK ??!!!!!

Definition of the Term "Menopause":

= The Age, from which on the Women all of a sudden "PAUSE" their hitherto existing, previous emotional Indifference & their Arrogance towards me ... for the Rest of their Lives.

I am afraid of withering, before I ever have flourished yet !

Why do only YOUNG Women & Girls NOT like "Nice-Guys" ? Whereas the OLD Women are even ADDICTED to those ?

The old Geezer-Ladies can even HATE me to the Core....but they never ever callously IGNORE me, like the Girls do ! :-( SIGH

--------

But it´s ME, actually, who is in an acute Hurry: My Time is running out, my "biological Clock" is ticking ! How shall I be able to get in Contact with YOUNG, FERTIL Femininity right in Time, ...when I have grown OLD myself, and have become worn-off & exhausted ???

And, what´s worst: I also won´t ever be able to be the Grandpa of my own Grand-Daughter, that way ! :-O

And when I´ll finally once have become an old Geezer of 99 Years myself:

NO OLD Lady will ever step TOO CLOSE up to me again !!!

Either I can finally manage to CATCH UP on my UNmet Needs for Contact with FEMALE YOUTH ...& HEAL UP this open Wound... or I´ll just stay Single untill the very last Day of my Life !!!

I am afraid of withering, before I ever got to flourish yet, in the first place !!!

https://www.studiblog.net/2014/06/04/why-women-dont-like-nice-guys/

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History and Purpose of Wahnmache/ MahnWache: ————————————————————————

Founded around 1991 by Gerhard Martin (Guitar & Keyboard & Drums) & Daniel Robert Oelbauer (Drums & Violin) as „TOLLHAUS“ (T.od O.hne L.angfristig L.ebenswerte H.offnung A.ll U.nseres S.eins ), while studying in the Gymnasium Sonthofen. Our first and only public Concert (Winter 1994) took place WITHOUT us, since we were NOT informed about it right in time. As NOBODY could be found for playing the bass, the „Band“ never grew to bigger extent than 3 men (additional Guitar-Player Andreas Reck joined in late 1993). And 1994 had been the year of the tacit disbandment, too. The project just diverged without comment. Some „easy & silly listening“-Folk-Rock-Band took the name TOLLHAUS for their Band…and I named my solo-project „WahnMache / MahnWache“ as an equivocation to the German word for a „political or admonishing vigil“ and the „making of madness“. It now is a solo-project, but it does not necessarily NEED to stay one, right ? ;-) Please help to develop these recordings into full wholesome songs with any instrument that would help to complement the expression of it. Strongly demanded would be Drums and Bass …but any other instrument is wellcome, too, as far as it can be useful to transport the emotional message of this music MORE, or in a new and interesting way. Please, let me know, WHAT your interpretation and supplement of my music will sound like. OK ?

Gerhard „Gerre“ Martin

Listen to my own Music-Compositions, please: d*-*b

It´s really expressive instru-metal Music , containing many influences, from "BACH to KRACH".

https://www.myspace.com/gerhard-martin

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http://static.metal-archives.com/~metalarc/board/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=116026&start=80

This one is very awesome, since the band is called "WahnMache / MahnWache"

<< >>

Wow ! Love this one. Their music isn't too bad, either.

http://www.bandnamen.de/w.htm

13 Wahnmache/Mahnwache-Music-Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqwPjRzTey7XU4mYpLRSyVcUTakF-iGFe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ryb_x4to0OE&list=PLqwPjRzTey7XU4mYpLRSyVcUTakF-iGFe&index=1

Download ALL Wahnmache/Mahnwache-Songs (mp3) HERE !!!:

SÄMTLICHE Wahnmache/Mahnwache-Stücke (mp3) hier zum Herunterladen !!!:

Télécharger TOUTES les Chansons de Wahnmache-Mahnwache (mp3) ICI !!!:

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/bnz7h83mttvthis/AAA2HdfmtKO9-k5shZuMRU-ga?oref=e

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My (hopefully OVERlooked) "Music-Parody-Project":

>>Neg.(ativ)-Narz.(ißmus)<<:

https://myspace.com/negativer-narzissmus https://myspace.com/negativer.narzissmus

https://myspace.com/negativ-narzissmus

https://myspace.com/negativ.narzissmus

https://www.reverbnation.com/negativernarzissmus https://soundcloud.com/negativer-narzissmus/albums

https://soundcloud.com/negativernarzissmus/albums

https://www.twine.fm/negativernarzissmus http://www.reverbnation.com/musician/burtcocaine https://www.orfium.com/profile/negativer-narzissmus/ https://www.orfium.com/profile/negativer.narzissmus/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/negativ-narzissmus/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/negativ.narzissmus/

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/negativer_narzissmus

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/negativ_narzissmus https://www.hype.co/negativer-narzissmus https://www.hypedsound.com/negativer-narzissmus

Download the FULL Album "zu allem Überfluß" as a ZIP-file with mp3-Songs:

Das vollständige Album "zu allem Überfluß" als ZIP-Datei mit mp3-Liedern:

Télécharger TOUTES les Chansons (mp3) de l ´Album "zu allem Überfluß" ici:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/894rrtqdpgi4o6n/ZORN%20%E2%80%93%20Zu%20allem%20%C3%9Cberfluss.zip?oref=e

https://www.dropbox.com/s/894rrtqdpgi4o6n/ZORN%20%E2%80%93%20Zu%20allem%20%C3%9Cberfluss.zip?oref=e#sthash.aAJfIaFq.dpuf

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I am a MOVIE-STAR now !!! B-)

And even with "half-NUDE-scenes" !!! 8-o ;-) :-P :"> =D Mmmmmh ! ^__^WHEEEEHHH !!!

From Minute 0:35 on, can be seen ! 8-D WOW !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU9TUB_KsH8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECdxwD2KcWU

The COMPLETE documentary-film (40 min) for Download:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/hib6jlsj8e7ne44/20140910-2015.m.mp4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xBGxTJKNQc

And finally, I had been engaged in THIS Cinema-Movie B-) as the MAIN supernumerary star:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ke6MaplcKdY

The Scene where I appear was filmed in Oberstdorf, Bavaria at the Schattenberg-Ski-Jump-Ramp ! It´s some mixture of Entertainment & Documentary about the short-sighted British Ski-Jumper Michael "Eddie" Edwards !

Voilà ! ^__^ Enjoy !!!

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My life had been totally DEVOID of “female youth” from the very beginning: I have had NO sister, NO girl-friend, NO fiancée, NO wife, NO daughter EVER ! :((( All my Life, I only have been applying myself totally IN VAIN for experiencing some YOUNG Femininity ! :-O :'(

Thanks to the fear, mistrust and shyness of you Ladies I have nothing but been alone all my life. :-(

And instead of explaining to me, what disturbes you talking to me, looking at me (and what I could possibly change), you just say: “I don´t believe, you never had a girl-friend. I think you´re joking!” :-O Or you just ask ME: “What has been the reason for the failure ?”, allthough I hoped to learn THAT from YOU. :-(

In meinem einsamen Leben hat das “Junge, Weibliche” immerzu nur gefehlt, schon von Anfang an: Ich hatte keine Schwester, keine Freundin, keine Verlobte, keine Frau, keine Tochter !!! :((( Ich habe mich mein GESAMTES Leben lang immer nur VERGEBLICH um etwas "WEIBLICHE JUGEND" bemüht gehabt ! :-O :'(

Dank dem Mißtrauen, der Scheu und Angst von Euch Damen war ich mein ganzes Leben lang nur allein. :-(

Oder ihr fragt mich: “WORAN scheiterte es denn immer ?”, obwohl ICH doch diese Frage endlich von EUCH geklärt zu bekommen hoffte. :-(

Dans ma Vie, la jeune Fémininité n´a que MANQUÉE seulement ! :-O :-X

Je n´ai eu une soeur, une amie, une coupine, une fiancée, une femme, une épuse, ou une propre fille de moi-même jamais !!! :((( J´ai essayé à trouver un peu de la Jeunesse féminie totallement EN VAINE. :-O :'(

Grâce à la peur et défiance de vous femmes je n´ai été que seul toute ma vie. :-(

Et au lieu de m´expliquer ce que vous gênes de parler avec moi et regarder moi (, et me dire ce que je peux changer peut-être), vous me disez: »Je ne croix pas, que tu n´ais eu d´amie jamais ! Je pense, que tu raconte des bobards!« Ou vous demandez MOI : » C´était à cause de QUOI ?«, bien que MOI, JE veux apprendre ça de VOUS.

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the-lonliest-man-in-the-universe · 7 years

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My (seemingly) "UNbeliveable" Life-Story:

(a "SOLO-carreer" )

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