#midday tag

[sandsofsolstice]

another older thing...... a bunch of side/bg ocs for convalescence

#sols ocs #oc art #sols art #original character art #original character #oc #ocs #original characters #alcid tag #sage tag #osseus tag #midday tag #cooper tag #roadrunner tag #agave tag #convalescence tag

[ruporas]

lonely

[ID: A limited palette of green and pink, Vashwood comic. The first page serves as a prologue. The first panel shows Vash speaking to someone off screen while Wolfwood is lingering behind him. A black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the second panel, Vash is buying donuts in the distance while Wolfwood is once again in view, lingering. and the black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the third panel, Vash is leaving a cubicle and turning towards his right with a slightly peeved expression. He sees Wolfwood, leaning against the cubicle, waiting for him, and with the black arrow drawn, pointing at him, implicating the consistent hovering of Wolfwood’s presence during Vash’s everyday. At the bottom of the page, they’re drawn out of panel with Vash turning to Wolfwood and saying with an irritated expression, “You’re really following me everywhere, huh?” Wolfwood responds, “What, you got a problem?” Vash responds without hesitation, “Yeah, kinda...”

The second page starts with a new day. In the first panel, Vash is seen alone, weighing apples in his hands at a mart, with crowds passing behind him. In the second panel, he turns to his right and starts to say, “Hey, Wolfwood...” In the third panel, he’s startled from seeing a stranger, whom he’d accidentally called out to when he was expecting to see Wolfwood. He says, “Oh, you’re not him. Sorry!” In the fourth panel, the stranger walks off and Vash muses, “Right, he said he had something to do today...”

The third page begins with a close up of Vash's miffed expression, the continuation of Vash's thoughts, "Now that he's not here, this is just like how I used to be, but... It feels lonely somehow. Oh well, I'll see him again tonight, like always." In the second panel, it shows Vash walking through the marketplace crowd, alone. In the third panel, the door panel is a close up of the door opening with a peek of Vash's head. He says, "Wolfwood!" In the fourth panel, Vash is holding a bag of food with a bright smile and says, "Are you hungry? I got you something to eat today!"

The fourth page begins with a shot of the room, two beds being highlighted, one of them being made properly with the blanket draped over the bed and the other with the blanket folded and pillow sitting on top of it. There's no sign of Wolfwood. The second panel shows Vash with a disappointed look as he thinks, "He's still not here?" The third panel shows Vash putting the bag of food on the table. Stapled to the paper bag is the receipt with a written note "For Wolfwood." Vash's thoughts continue "He does like to stay out so, I guess there's no reason to worry..." The fourth panel shows Vash sitting his bed somberly with his thoughts continued, "It's not any of my business anyway..."

The fifth page starts with a close up his blank expression as he looks downwards, thinking, "Even if he left completely... That'd be understandable and better for him. I'll just travel alone again... like before... Huh?" The next panel shows Vash's composure break, tears welling up in his eyes suddenly, as he didn't expect to cry. He starts to sob, putting his hands to his face to quiet himself and wipe at his tears, as he says, "Ugh... Dammit... I miss h..." The last panel shows Vash leaning over into his hands, still crying, and in the back, the door swings wide open with a bam as Wolfwood walks through with the punisher swung behind him. He shouts, "SPIKEY! You in here?!"

The sixth page starts with Wolfwood confused, looking at Vash and Vash looks back, just as confused, with tears in his eyes and snot out of his nose. Wolfwood starts saying, "Ah? You..." No longer in panels, at the bottom of the page, Wolfwood takes the Punisher off of himself and starts to walk towards Vash, continuing with slight concern, "What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" Vash, hurriedly begins to wipe at his tears, denying immediately, "No! No, I'm fine! Nothing happened!"

The seventh page, Vash points towards the table, with a hand still wiping at his tears and he smiles as he says, "I uh got you food. On the table." Wolfwood looks towards to the table and responds, "Oh. I was getting hungry, thanks." He turns his head back to Vash immediately after with an uncertain expression, knowing the other wasn't responding to his concern, and says, "But, I know you're an idiot with this stuff, so I'm reminding you again. Don't brush it off if it's an issue, alright?"

The eight page, Vash's tears have dried and he looks to Wolfwood with a soft smile and responds, "Yeah. It's okay though..." A panel at the center shows a side view of Vash approaching Wolfwood. At the bottom of the page, with no panel, is a close up shot of Vash's hand, holding onto the edge of Wolfwood's jacket sleeve, as he says, "Because you're here now. Wolfwood."

The final page is a back shot of both of them standing next to each other, Wolfwood's head tilted slightly to the left, not fully believing Vash as he says, "That doesn't answer anything, Spikey." Vash responds, "There's no need to talk about it! You should enjoy your food. Let's have a drink too?" Wolfwood responds, "Tsk, tsk. Fine, yeah. I could use one." END ID]

#vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #trigun #trigun maximum #but onto this comic... i think and talk a LOT about vash's loneliness bc trigun is just. kind of central on that for a good while! esp in #the original manga he was alone for a good portion of it and he tends to keep others away like how he ran away from meryl and milly when #they tried to tag along. and he was kind of bothered when he realized ww was following him around Too. at the core even though he loves #humans and he loves deeply the people he does know -- he isnt really much of a people person and i think thats been the case since he was #young considering his initial doubts towards humans... with the exception of kids bc kids dont give him moral conflicts. so suddenly #here comes wolfwood!!! his guide. someone TRULY affixed to him until he has to get to knives. someone who isnt budging and someone whos #really good at following him around and even seems like he goes like 5 steps ahead to make sure vash doesnt run on him #in one way its - i don't want you to follow me bc i don't want to burden you and i don't want you to kill the people i want to save. #in another way its - i like this companionship. i like waking up to you and i like ending the way with you. i like talking to someone who #knows my world. i like being in your space and sometimes i enjoy talking about our day #theyre just living together. like. roadtrip buddies or theyre also under the same roof because they're going everywhere together. #trimax they mainly spend their mornings together and if they had personal business attend the other person would usually know and itd only #be during the midday. anyway bc of this kind of companionship i figure that vash eventually grew accustom to it and he really. cant go back #to the kind of loneliness from before. it's harder to imagine and it'd be harder to withstand. esp after 2 years with lina and her grandma. #ruporas art

[waxingrunes]

I’m seeing too much of this across all channels and I need to write a little something on my humble blog with my humble amount of followers, because how else am I going to get this off my chest.

Some of you need to remember that this whole world we created is pure, fiction. It’s based off fiction and we are building off fiction, forking off in different directions with characters we love.

The canon vs fanon debate is ongoing and quite honestly, mind numbingly pointless and you all consistently contradict and overlap one another with whatever discourse you’re riding that week. You lot wanna argue a point by saying, “these are my hc’s and I can do what I like with them stop taking everything so seriously teeheehehehe” then uno reverse that the next minute by screaming, “that would never happen *insert name* is this or is that” but fuck canon right? Fuck JKR? Or is it more, fuck the parts of canon I don’t like and I’ll take the parts I do so I can shove them down the throats of creators who represent these characters in an opposing light. The amount of posts I’ve seen floating around these sites that are people preaching to their audiences about how dumb they are (unless it’s meant to be satire, I’m not a brainless sensitive lump with no humour bone) for liking certain things, or enjoying certain things, or preferring certain aspects in a character is astounding. Take pause before jumping on your high horse over a fictional character and shaming people for moulding them into what they enjoy. Is this not the beauty of fiction, imagination; the ability to twist and turn over different traits and appearances within our palms and make them into our own little dress up dolls?

Here’s my two cents as a WOLFSTAR artist, not a Marauders— if I want to make Sirius into a teacup and Remus into a sea slug and have him curl up to sleep every night in his bowl, then I’ll do that with fine china detail. If I want to make Sirius someone who refuses to wear nothing but a specific shade of tangerine and Velcro strapped trainers, I will. One day I might throw Moony into a boxing ring and have him be a middleweight champion, stained by the blood of his opponent whilst his wolf is chomping at the bit to come out just before the full moon threatens to take centre stage. If I want to make Sirius 6ft tall and Remus 5ft1, I will. Why not draw an AU of them as the rocks from Everything, Everywhere All At Once? Maybe, they can be something as simple as a boy and a boy who look the way you want them to look, fuck the way you want them to fuck and fall in love and fight, and scream, and cry, and make up a million different ways.

Let’s get more specific as the seal’s broken. Why not make Remus plus sized and give him a beard or a dad’s bod at age 23. Or maybe because he’s lighter haired he doesn’t have dark hair like that and only has a smattering of it across the ugliest of his scars. Consider this— moony with softer hips but fuller sturdy shoulders. Or long, slender limbs with a deceptively hidden strength owing to his wolf, stronger than James though he doesn’t look it. Onto Sirius, try to tell me I’m not going to put him in thigh highs and fem the shit out of him whilst he holds a bat in one hand covered in the blood of someone who tried to disrespect his Moons. Alert the press when someone erases every single one of his tattoos only to replace them with hyperpigmentation. What about giving him a beater’s build and a long thick trail of naval hair that he likes to call his ‘seeker’s delight’. What about a hairless Sirius who has a soft life and likes to make herself pretty for her 6ft 4 boyfriend every weekend when he gets on the train to visit.

How about, I stick with my personal holy take on the boys and present you with a harmless middle ground where Moony is whatever the fuck I want him to be physically, emotionally, or characteristically but always a wet fucking cloth for Sirius. A grape, under a thumb, you could say. And a Sirius, who is too whatever I want him to be physically, emotionally, or characteristically but will always be Moony’s biggest cheerleader.

Stay with me whilst I offer you the brain stretching, risky, taboo thought for you to ponder on: stop trying to please people. Stop absorbing all these takes that pressure you into thinking you’ve got to include every fucking thing that shaves you down and boxes you into their squeaky clean little creator! Indulge in what you like. Make it public, make it known and make it as loud as you want. Feels good on this side of freedom.

Lastly, quick (none of this has been quick) circle back to myself being a Wolfstar artist, not a Marauders one. I will not be shamed into drawing the women in this fandom, I will not try to even out my art with equal parts women and men, in fear of being called misogynistic. I came here for Wolfstar and I stay for them; I get 95% of my muse from them and enjoy drawing these idiots nearly every single day when I can. I’ve a busy life, a job, the luxury of a family that love me and a couple friends I’d like to keep too. If and when I draw, it’s going to be what I want to draw and want to indulge in, not to check off your boxes of inclusion. I am not going to defend my choice of indulgence to you. I am not going to refute women or wlw ships and in fact, eat up stories or art where they’re prominent. Will I have muse or will to do a piece on them? Probably not. If I do, I will and if it’s not done to a standard deemed appropriate enough by the council, well shit I hope I get an honourable mention in one of your hate threads on Twitter.

Grow up. I am the type of person who has a more or less rigid taste on these boys and what I, enjoy representing them like and you runts will run your throats hoarse before I turn an ear. I am not the type of person to see someone who doesn’t like what I prefer and start slamming my keyboard and slap them with a red card. I’ll move on but appreciate the take in silence. Some of you really, come across like you’re stomping your feet in a tantrum, some of you sound like you’ve never been told to shut the fuck up a day in your life and some of you, some of you, really think you’re a messiah.

Fuck your canons, fanons and righteous attitudes towards people who are quite literally, not real. You are not a deity of the Marauders, you are a fucking loser offline just like the rest of us.

#mad you think this place can be schooled into your desires #I’m going to read this over and find six thousand errors #this is why I hate being online #but that’s where the good stuffs at too #a paradox of pain #the emotional intelligence #the intellectual buoyancy in general around here #slim pickings #midday and a migraine is heading straight for me I can tell #what do I tag this #remus #sirius #wolfstar #the usual then #remus lupin #sirius black #marauders era #marauders #atyd #roman you’re rubbing off on me

[compacflt]

pre-publishing notes for extras part one (coming tomorrow i pray 🙏🏽 if not tmr than next saturday 🥺) for those interested

i am incredibly busy this wk so the final final edit of my fics isn’t gonna come till later, like next Wednesday or the weds after that or something.

but do not worry i am not changing anything major, unlike in previous edits. It’s just fixing little stuff (hyphenation, some grammar, places where AO3 fucked my italics, changing “chief naval officer” to chief of naval operations [i literally have no clue how that error happened as i got it right in some places and wrong in a bunch of other places like wtaf], removing brand names that show idk what the fuck im talking about, etc.). The most substantial edit is I’m adding one sentence to the slider one-shot where ice tries to convince slider that he and maverick are only tying the knot for financial purposes, and “so the govt doesn’t fuck one of us when the other dies for real.” that sentence was in my original draft and idk why it got removed.

i will not be editing the hangman one shot (besides fixing the proposal date), the airplane one shot, or the wingmen one shot because i do not really care for them and they have been overwritten by other sections of my fics. the bradley one shot is also pretty much going untouched

ONTO THE EXTRAS. Unlike some of my other fics which are M-rated & therefore kind of implicit, these extras are a littol bit edgy & explicit. Not beating around the bush anymore. I am warning for possible triggers, mostly related to disordered eating and, like, a BUNCH of casual suicidal ideation/discussion of suicide. Also it’s E-rated.

however that isn’t to say it’s not mostly fluff lol. there’s SOME sex but u know me.. it is sex as symbol not sex as sex... (You know what they say, $20 is $20 and writing practice is writing practice) I wanted to expand the scope of my original fics—more politics, more complications, more backstory, so that’s mostly what it is. Not everything revolves around goose anymore. It’s also about the rest of the world

parts of it will also obviously just be me dicking around, a disclaimer

not every scene that I’ve posted in a wip wednesday made the cut. I got rid of a bunch of them that were boring/repetitive. (so, my apologies to the anon who told me they liked the sickfic excerpt, for instance—the one where mav sprains his wrist is basically the same thing, we don’t really need to rehash the “taking care of each other” motif twice)

prolly download these somewhere else because it really is just 70k of a wall of text with no chapter breaks and we all know how ao3 is

thanks for reading! as always! ❤️❤️almost at the finish line here! part 2 (post TGM mission) hopefully next Saturday :)))

#idk what to tag this if anything. #edts notes #? #im praying i can get these done by midday tmr but if i can’t … im gonna have to postpone till next Saturday 😕😕😕😕 #i simply refuse to post 70k on a weekday. #i will let you know if that is the case 😭😭😭 i hope not!!!! but. life is getting in the way topgunbros #averaging 2 hrs of sleep over the last five days #pro tip do not schedule editing 300k+ words & finishing 70k of scenes the same week as all of ur midterms

[aurkitnarulaoge]

I saw a pimple on my face, wanted to punch something since morning and felt moody then I sat down to start calculus and— no wonder it was my fking period that btch tryna ruin my day.

RUIN IT IN THE MORNING CZ IF I'M GOING TO SUFFER IT BETTER BE WHILE I'M AWAKE. NOW I WONT BE ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP BCZ OF CRAMPS AND I STILL NEED TO DO CALCULUS AND SEQUENCES AND TRIGONOMETRY AND PHYSICS AND CHEMISTRY AND WHY DONT I FKING DIE ATP? HUH? KILL ME YOU BLOOD JUICE PUNCHES IN MY UTERUS IF YOU ARE SO MIGHTY AAARGHHH

#desiblr #desi tumblr #desi #desi tag #desi shit posting #desi girl #being desi #desi humor #desi stuff #desi academia #desi studyblr #desi side of tumblr #desi shit #desi student #desi life #desi stress #periods #pimples #desi teen #everyday crisis #midday crisis

[sunflowerseraph]

Uhm hi I love Layla El-Faouly soo so much why havent i drawn her before. If anyone has any pointers on how to get her face down pleeeease tell me :] ♡♡

(Extra doodles under the cut ^_^) !!

Edit: please dont like if you wont also rb :( sorry.

Spent like hours just redrawing her face over and over today 😭 so heres these weird "notes" i did idk??

#ill color this if anyone really thinks its ok...btw... #i think ive got some good colors picked for her alreasy #but YES. help #seraph scribbles #moonknight #moon knight #layla el faouly #mk #mk fanart #mk art #moon knight fanart #mcu #marvel #moon knight series #sorry for all the tags idk #im gonna q this so it posts in the morning/midday :}

[slightlyhopefulromantic]

How about 11 for the gacha?

omg guys my wifi came back on so i can post this (literally 1 am, over six hours since i drew this-) WELCOME BACK TO SHIP GACHA!! :D drum roll please for number 11...

taylor/lincoln/scary!!! gothweebcleats my beloved <33 i really love this ship just because like. i picture both gothcleats and swiftli as like ... not mellow but pretty chill ships (when theyre in a healthy state of mind. gothcleats CAN go off the deep end). but gothweeb is PVP-enabled at all times and its VERY funny to picture lincoln trying to deal with that HFDJKGHKJDFHK anyways i was inspired by cerealmonster15's dndads/pokemon art, so go check that out. cereal i love you mwah

#gothweebcleats #dndads #ship gacha #im gonna be real with yall. #somehow my wifi being off all day made me MORE distracted and this was the only drawing i did DFJKGHFDJKHGFDJK #i was busy okay... had a lot going on in this six hours of doing nothing midday... trying to seem sober in this desc rn... #it was my friends 21st. i was the only one who drank A Lot with her. everyone say hbd to my irl in the tags <3 (joke) #i hope the alt text makes sense. yell at me if it doesnt so i fix it once im not drunk fBHDFBHJD

[tango-but-everywhere]

They’re discussing tall buildings.

Cleo, secret life episode 9.

[ID: a minecraft screenshot from secret life, taken at dusk at the spawn campfire facing Trader Scar’s. Etho and Tango are nearer to the campfire while the viewer, Cleo, is further back. Both of them are in full diamond and holding shields, but Etho is holding a bow and Tango a golden apple by the looks of it. Etho’s facing Tango and Tango’s facing Cleo. End ID]

#whatttt i didnt forget to do this thatd be silly #<- absolutely forgot to do this and woke up at midday because i finished watching the finale at 4am my time #no it was like. 4:40. or something. idk. it was late. early? #the point is i woke up 20 minutes ago #tango tek #tango but everywhere #tangotek #trafficblr #secret life smp #secret life spoilers #slsmp #traffic spoilers #anyway that winner huh. DESERVED #also my posting bonanza yesterday…… yeah we all knew it #i forgot half the tags #etho #ethoslab #etho’s lab #zombiecleo

[qursidae]

I saw this meme on reddit and it gave me major Emilia/Miyako vibes so I HAD to

[Carrd 🃏]

#midday coven #emilia woods #miyako tsukimura #oc #ocs #original characters #i KNOW its meant as like goth vs pink or something which they arent but still yall #ALSO im ship tagging this #emiyako #?? Should that be the ship name im torn #miyalia #??

[blart-og]

ohhhh we're half way there (ohh oh we're living on a prayer)

since we're halfway here's the gang so far :)

#limbus company #sinclair lcb #sinclair limbus company #aw man sinclair was really annoying to do lol #sorry sinclair... i really want to like sinclair but he talks so hesitantly i keep accidentally skipping his voice lines throughout canto 3 #project moon #i always feel like theres some sorta tag that ive forgotten #but tis just because i love to chatter down here #oh! we're actually at the end of the queue fr fr now #this one wasnt posted at midday on the dot haha #so youll get em when you get em ig #i hope youve been enjoying them ~ #ah now who to do next...

[felipe-kuso]

EVERYONE PLEASE GO TO MY FRIEND'S POST AND EITHER DONATE OR REGLOG THE POST TO GET MORE PEOPLE KNOWING ABOUT ITS SITUATION

#midnight rambles #qsmp #pjo #percy jackon and the olympians #help needed #putting a bunch of fandom tags to get it to spread as much as possible #garfield #tmnt #tmnt 2012 #youtube #drama #minecraft #midday rambles

[catboybashirs]

when i die young, bury me in satin lay me down on a bed of roses !

ok i lied im uploading this one here first. because im really fucking proud of it and need everyone to see her my baby girl

#chatter #oc #oc art #rosemary baker #we are being TECHNICAL. since she is the precursor to rosemary. and i want to be able to find this later /silly #my art #digital art #img #how do u even fuckin tag original art idkkkkkk save me midday reblog save me

[astranauticus]

todays orv mood: standing at the water dispenser under my dorm building waiting for my instant noodles to cook just pacing in circles and swearing

#orv liveblog #should i tag spoilers for like. ramble in tags?? #ok i'll do it just to be safe #orv spoilers #idk in case my webtoon only irl friend suddenly decides to log back into her tumblr after 3 years #context chapter 311/46th scenario #ok theres a lot going on here #first off 1863th round yjh is a character made to haunt me specifically so when the name hell of eternity came up wow i was feeling like #500 emotions at once and none of them were good #second i saw someone on lofter say today that most of the talking kdj and yjh do in this book is through fights and just #LIKE I JUST. cannot get over how our perspective of their relationship is just always being filtered through these two people #who are just fuckin INCAPABLE of TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS like NORMAL PEOPLE #like it drives me so insane that this book is so show dont tell by necessity bc kdj is a fucking moron so we just get these #insanity inducing details like yjh paying to extend his midday rendezvous with kdj for 3 years and just using it as a personal journal #and then you get past all the fuckin. the two of them beating the shit out of each other by way of communicating and its like #'i want to lock you up so you'll stop dying because im scared im not strong enough to be able to stop you and we cant lose you again' LIKE? #SIR WHAT??????? HELLO?????????????? #also the line that made me start pacing in circles around the water cooler while swearing in mandarin was specifically #'i couldn't be the protagonist. i couldn't save someone else' #says the DEMON KING OF SALVATION. like damn its 'sacrifice's will is a stigma that didn't really suit me' all over again #like i love that kdj has the nerve to be like 'of course i dont want to die' and yjh just absolutely does not buy it for a second #god. i want to hit him on the head with a brick.

[astralarias]

so, lady midday soto lore!! first of all; she is a demonic entity, but not a kryptis! she’s a different ‘species’, formed from a malevolent shard of the mists itself.

i think after the dragon cycle ended, she skulked back to the mists for a bit to wait until the energy of tyria had settled down somewhat. from there she stumbled her way into nayos, and was like, wait a second. if all the kryptis are invading tyria, that’s competition. they’re gonna possess all the bodies and leave no crumbs for me! which simply wouldn’t do because it’s much harder to commit murder and tyranny and everything in between when a) you have no corporeal body and b) are under the scrutiny of an army of other demons. because the kryptis as a whole would probably not be chill with letting lady midday ascend her threat level above “nuisance”, something she’s been aspiring to do for years now, unless she worked for them - and, ew, no. she values her own freedom far too much.

so when atlaki winds up in tyria through his own “i was left alone for 5 minutes” shenanigans, lady midday is like, hm…how low am i willing to stoop? it’s not a question she takes long to answer, and that answer is “very”. so she approaches atlaki in skywatch archipelago, sidling up to him with a big smile unbefitting for someone who’s been a pain in his ass for the better part of a decade. atlaki is, understandably, pissed at her presence - she’s been his “garbage eating raccoon” for years, in that she’s mostly remained a passing annoyance but he has a keen awareness she could develop rabies - that is to say, become an actual threat - at any moment.

but she explains: possess you? kill you? never! i just want to save tyria, you see, i’ve grown so fond of it over the years. it’s my home, too! she pushes hard on the “we’ve got a common goal” aspect and reluctantly, atlaki relents - on the condition she behaves like a normal sylvari and doesn’t kill any of his allies. she’s surprisingly okay with these terms; it’ll be a good test of her acting skills, and the whole thing sounds somewhat fun. also, she’ll get to study atlaki up close, for her own future reference.

so the two of them stumble through the soto plot together. lady is extremely disgruntled at peitha’s presence, but she can’t do anything because she can’t blow her cover and so seethes in silence, with a few snide comments here and there. peitha absolutely knows what lady is - that this “sylvari” is actually being puppeted by something not too dissimilar to herself - and does bring it up to atlaki. atlaki simply asks her to play along; watching lady midday grumble and sulk in her petty fashion is one of the few humorous things about their situation.

#looong post #but this should cover most of it #cassien is up next and oh boy. he's having a time #lady midday (oc) #atlaki #soto spoilers #oc talk tag #is she gonna have a redemption arc? nope #she is a being whose essence is pure malice #she doesn't operate on the mortal kind of morality #she is only looking out for herself here and that won't change although #she may save atlaki + allies from danger because she needs them alive for her goals

[naamah-beherit]

#phone snapshot #Xcalibring into the sunset #It was actually midday but I'm not making up another tag for rides on this bike

[myheartisonthetrain]

TW CSA

i'm convinced being a csa victim from an early age and then going through puberty is such a uniquely horrible experience because the last time you connected with your femininity was when it was being imposed on you against your will and it became, at least for me, something i hated myself for. i cried when i realised my chest started developing and my physical body started changing, not because i was becoming a girl but because i was becoming the physical embodiment of my fears. i associated the female body with abuse and powerlessness and i'm still obviously battling with the fear of boys nearer my age (it was cocsa) and my own identity. it was around puberty i got really attached to my friends and lashed out on any boy that spoke to me (i still feel guilty about that but after they knew it upset me they started doing shit deliberately which just made me hate boys even more.)

i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i constantly feel like i'm stuck at different points of my life and that's sorta when i felt my identity do that split thing people call disassociation but to me the different identities all make up myself, just different versions of me i have to work either with or through to get to the present. they're all different trauma responses i could embody myself to but there's no way i could manifest my trauma through one of them that much without killing myself. like imagine being absolutely terrified of embodying your abuser and instead you become the product of their actions knowing you'll probably never even see them again. i used to wish death upon him, then i wished death upon myself, then i tried to blame nobody and convinced myself it would've happened somehow with somebody anyway, now some morbid curiosity in me hopes we cross paths again to see what would happen. maybe if i were his girlfriend it would heal me, but probably not. apparently he said he was sorry but what the fuck does that mean, if it keeps him up at night too then try channelling me through the universe so we can suffer / heal ourselves together. i'll forgive you if you acknowledge me as well as your mistakes. if we really do become a part of each other i want us to revel in it.

fun fact this inspired an ongoing art project i'm making 💀 follow me @abyssalisal so i can capitalise off my trauma /hj

#having a i need my therapist moment but she quit 5 years ago #what doesn't kill you makes you wish it did #thank you to the other TCer who tagged that because i love it #csa vent #tw csa #i woke up at midday #yes i cry whenever i research sigmund freud how did you know #psychology #girlhood #girlblogging #questioning did