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marlynnofmany · 4 months

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Singing and Other Noises

If you have to clean the bathroom on a multi-species spaceship, you can at least take the opportunity to annoy your coworkers with some high volume space shanties. The acoustics of most bathrooms I’ve been in are great, and this one was no exception.

“If you find snacks in high places, adhesive eyes making faces…” I sang, passing the sanitation wand over the floor. “Someone gives thanks to the void, and knives to the droid … Then you might have some humans onboard, onboard, you might have some humans onboard!”

Paint laughed in the hallway. “I don’t think anyone would miss the fact that we have a human onboard.” When I leaned out to grin at her, she continued, “You’re very loud.”

“This is the perfect place to sing!” I said, leaning back and switching to a different song. “You’ll hear us singing loud and proud, in halls and hulls and ventilation chutes. You’ll know us by our range and joy, and we sing better than you!” It echoed nicely.

Paint was shaking her lizardy head. “Are there any quiet human songs?”

“Oh sure,” I said, looking for spots I’d missed. “Calm melodies for a relaxing afternoon, lullabies to soothe babies to sleep, plenty of those. They’re just not as fun. I like the ones where you can really feel your lungs vibrate, you know?”

Paint was giving me that cocked-head look that said she wasn’t entirely sure what I was talking about, but didn’t feel like saying so. “Right. I think that one made the floor vibrate too.”

“Oh, you should meet an opera singer. They can shatter glass.”

“What!” Paint stepped closer, switching her tail. “You are making that up.”

“No, really!” I said. “It’s very impressive. A rare talent for sure.” I got to my feet and emptied the sanitation wand into the trash chute. “My voice is nothing special. Pretty good, I like to think, but no kind of superstar. Still, singing is fun.”

Paint seemed to be having trouble coming up with a compliment. “Your voice is very… clear? Low? Is that a good thing?”

“I like to think so.” I put the wand away and washed my hands. “I can sing the low notes easier than high, which is great, because I enjoy them more. I think that makes me an alto? Contralto? Something like that. Not a soprano, at any rate.”

Even with her orange scales, Paint’s expression was a distinct mask of polite blankness. She nodded, hands clasped together.

“Not much for singing, I take it?” I asked.

Paint exhaled and dropped her hands. “I just don’t see the appeal,” she admitted. “It’s only talking! In a distorted voice!”

I switched off the light and joined her in the hall with a head bob of agreement. “Yeah, I suppose it is. Some of it’s fast and good to dance to, though.”

She pointed at me in excitement. “The dancing does make sense! That’s fun! But I just cannot understand the noises that go with it.”

I shrugged. “Eh, don’t worry too much about it. There’s bound to be lots of things that any given species does that makes no sense to others.”

“Like those shiny rocks you insisted on keeping?”

“Hey, that’s not just me,” I protested. “Zhee and Trrili both wanted some too. And you’ve still got those smelly seed-things that you liked so much.”

Paint raised her snout in pride. “They remain beautiful. Coals, Eggskin, and Captain Sunlight will agree with me!”

“And those are all the Heatseekers on the ship, which is exactly my point.”

A high-pitched noise that I’d been barely aware of grew louder, drifting down the hallway all faint and screechy. I had no idea what it was, and judging by Paint’s expression, neither did she.

“Is that metal scraping?” I wondered.

“I don’t think so,” Paint said.

The sound continued, changing in tone like an alien violin. I turned in place, trying to locate it. “Is that music?”

Paint rubbed her earhole. “It’s unpleasant.”

“C’mon, let’s make sure it’s not actually a problem of some kind.”

“Yes,” Paint said with a sigh. “Ignoring a mechanical failure because we passed it off as horrible music is not something I want on my record.”

I started off down the hallway. “I think it’s this way.”

Ready as I was for a long and mysterious hunt for the quiet shrieking, I was almost disappointed to find it coming from the third door we reached. This was the door to Coals and Trrili’s translation workroom. It was shut. I hesitated over the opening panel, then knocked instead.

The noise stopped.

When the door slid open, it was to a vision of exoskeletoned nightmares, shiny black and red, with pincher arms, mandibles, and a pair of antennae angled into a very irritated expression.

“Hi Trrili,” I said. “Everything okay in there?”

Paint added, “We heard a noise—”

The door shut in our faces. After a moment, the screechy serenade resumed.

I blinked. “Rude.”

Paint had her hands over her earholes. “What is it??”

“Probably not a machine failure,” I said, wincing as the noise approached nails-on-chalkboard levels. “Let’s go ask Zhee.”

We walked very quickly away, and found Zhee outside the kitchen talking to Eggskin. The sound was faint here, but still audible.

“Hey Zhee,” I said cheerfully. “Can you tell us what in the seven spherical black holes Trrili is doing right now?”

Zhee threw his own purple pincher arms in the air. “Butchering a classic,” he exclaimed. “I’ve told her that she’s got the middle part backwards, but she insists it’s a regional variant!”

I glanced at Eggskin, who was just shaking their scaly head. “So it is music, then.”

Zhee folded his pinchers with a flare of antennae. “There’s a skreeking competition at Basal Station,” he said. “She’s under the impression that the judges there will enjoy regional variants that are wrong.”

“I see,” I said, wondering if I should ask the obvious question.

Paint beat me to it. “What’s skreeking?”

“Leg-singing,” Zhee said. “You know.” He moved a hind leg in a way that made a brief screech.

I knew I was staring, but it was either that or burst out laughing, and that was rarely complimentary. You’d think I’d get used to discovering ways that my alien crewmates resembled Earth animals, but you’d be very wrong.

Paint let out a gusty sigh. “I don’t understand that kind of singing either,” she said. “This makes even less sense than the other one!”

“Remember, there’s always dancing,” I told her. “And if it makes you feel better, I have no idea how to dance to the noise Trrili’s making.”

Zhee hissed quietly. “No one could dance to that. Not without tripping over every other limb.”

Eggskin spoke up. “Well, I’m certainly not going to try. Would you three like to help me settle on the primary meal for tonight’s dinner?”

I smiled. “Oh, I’m sure we won’t disagree on anything there.”

~~~

Keen eyes might recognize the shanty lyrics from a couple older posts. I even used one song in The First Time Traveler to Survive, which is a different storyverse entirely, but it's too much fun to leave there. I'm going to say humans invented it twice, and no one's going to stop me!

Anyways, this is the ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book. More to come! And I am currently drafting a sequel!

#somebody did a lovely recording of one of those songs #but the link isn't working anymore #so I guess I won't share that #more's the pity #my writing #The Token Human #space shanties #humans are weird #haso #hfy #eiad #humans are space orcs #science fiction #writeblr

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scarlettgauthor · 2 months

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His Sacred Incantations NOW IN AUDIOBOOK FORM!

(Y'all I basically had to fistfight Adobe Premiere in an alley to get that preview made, please clap.)

Yes, Tumblr! It's happening! It has happened! The His Sacred Incantations audiobook is finally available, and you're hearing about it now! Fifteen hours of femdom fantasy adventure coming straight to your earholes! Bondage! Pegging! A really cool fight with a necromancer! At least one dragon! This story has everything, and now you can listen to it!

I am so, so delighted that Martin Martinez was willing to come back for the second book to complete Lucían and Glory's story. When I'm reviewing the audiobooks I no longer hear a narrator doing a voice, I just hear Lucían and Glory's voices, which is an incredible testament to Martin's performance. He had a fantastic time reading this (which I know for a fact because he reached out to me to say these were his favorite books he's never narrated) and that comes across in the audio.

Some narrators might be intimidated by a book that's 25% sex scene by volume (I did the math once) but not Martin! He put his whole ass and libido into reading the kink scenes, and then Antoine Bandele of AB Book Services took his raw reading and added musical stings and special effects that really elevate the entire auditory experience. It's truly everything I could possibly have wanted from an audiobook.

Also! In celebration of the book being available, I'm putting the His Secret Illuminations audiobook on sale on my website for 50% off! Grab both at a savings, and settle in for thirty whole hours of Martin's wonderful voice and my wild story.

Where can I buy it?

Right now? Just on my website! It's been submitted to Audible and also for wider distribution through Author's Republic, but those take time to percolate through the system and my website is almost immediate!

As with the His Secret Illuminations audiobook, I had to break it into five parts in order to get around the file size limit. Everything I sell through my website is DRM free, and I get the entire cover price instead of only 25-50%. It's the best way to directly support me, and once you have it, you own the files and no one can take them away from you.

More retailers will be coming soon, but as Patrons you get the direct link and the first announcement!

How can I help out?

Spread the word about the audio book! Y'all have the sneak peek, but I'll be sharing this on social media in the next couple of days. Like, reskeet, reblog, reshare, leave good reviews of the audio book where appropriate--all of that is a huge help to me, someone who is her own marketing department. Also, as mentioned in a previous update, I just left my day job, so writing is now my only income. Word of mouth has been my most valuable tool, so I want to thank every one of you who has ever recommended my books to a friend! You're helping keep weird art alive!

Grab the recording, and settle in for a horny weekend, Patrons!

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metianull · 8 months

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hey. LOFAM 5 ACT 2 IS OUT.

before you do anything, click the damn link. or not, im sorry. im working on it.

YOU GUYS! its OUTTTTTUH its out its out its out!!!! OVER *99* TRACKS FEATURING *69* "HOMED STUCK" MUSICIANS COMING STRAIGHT FROM BANGER-TOWN TO BE DELIVERED RIGHT INTO YOUR EARHOLES! yueah whatever this thing is awesome I GOT FUCKING COVER ART DRAWN FOR MY MUSIC WHATTTT!!!!! AND I GOT TO HELP DRAW STUFF FOR SOMEONE ELSE AS WELL!!!! this was so much better than i coudlve ever wished for as a first dip into the fanmusic scene.... i really think a lot of talented people came together to make something awesome and it WORKED!!!! the amount of bangers this thing holds is insane, i swear on fucking eeverytuihng that is holy, go listen to it. if you like ANYTHING about homestuck, there's something you will like, 100%. YOU CAN WATCH THE LIVE STREAM WITH CHAT REPLAY HERE

#homestuck fan music #umspaf #homestuck #fan music #my music #lofam5a2 #Land of Fans and Music 5 Act 2 #Bandcamp

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retrogamechampion · 1 year

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A massive update: Club Penguin and Club Penguin Island have been added to the "Abandoned, But Not Forgotten" soundtrack collection!

Club Penguin: 1,021 tracks. 32 hours and 27 minutes. 5.39GB. Club Penguin Island: 335 tracks. 8 hours and 22 minutes. 1.39GB.

After months of work, it's finally here! A gigantic-ass Club Penguin song collection for your feathery earholes.

The Club Penguin soundtrack itself is separated (by file name and cover art) into six distinct collections:

Ambience: Background sound effects and nature stuff

Around Town: Music from various interiors and exteriors

Beginnings: Tracks from the beta and Penguin Chat 2-3

Events: Music from holidays, parties, and special happenings

Igloo Music: Songs you could set to play in your iggy

Minigames: The tracks behind some of your favorite time wasters

The only audio missing is from the two music creator games: DJ3K and SoundStudio, since they were a collection of programmed soundbank files to make music with rather than songs themself. Literally everything else is included!

There is only a little duplicate overlap, and it's intentional - Some events used music from existing events, but for totally different areas or experiences. Other times, different sound effects were added or removed, or had slightly different mixes. In the interest of the listener's nostalgia, I've included all the songs in this sense, even if they're present elsewhere. There are no duplicates within a single event, though.

Also, if there was a song present somewhere within the game, but it was also included in igloo music, I kept it in igloo music as well. This is because the igloo was one of the number one spots to enjoy music away from sound effects and all the bonkers activity of Club Penguin. Also, I found that the igloo music versions of tracks got more quality mixes over time.

Speaking of quality, please don't forget that all of the music included here is ripped directly from the flash files themselves. This means that the bitrate of some songs started off extremely low to begin with. I've done the best I can to clean them up and make everything sound as equal as possible.

Let's not forget about Club Penguin Island, too! While hardly anyone preferred it to the original, it was a refuge a lot of penguins waddled to after their home was destroyed and was the last goodbye place they had before the whole franchise dipped into the ocean.

A bonus here is that some staple Club Penguin songs were given a complete overhaul quality-wise for this game, and the soundtrack overall is a hell of a treat.

I've organized the filenames much like the above, but instead of "Beginnings" or "Ambience" collections (since there are none for this game), I have an "Adventures" collection - The music from quests that the main characters sent you on.

--------------------------

Ready to download and help preserve the songs from these games so they don't disappear to time?

Click here for the "Abandoned, But Not Forgotten" archive I started, which already has 14 other retro or abandoned online game soundtracks available:

#retro game #retro games #club penguin #club penguin island #game soundtrack #video game soundtrack #ost #vgm #video game music #soundtrack #preservation #digital hoarder #mp3 song download #archive.org #archive #lost media #party in my iggy

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stinkard · 5 months

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Do you have a Christmas Music Hated Enemy? The one whose music, when it comes on, does nothing but instill hatred and violence within you? The Christmas artist whose songs make you strongly consider throwing your life away in prison just for the chance to raze the retail store you're currently in when they unconsentingly hit your earholes. Anyway for meeeee that artist is Elizabeth Chan. She knows what she's done.

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ackee · 11 months

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nothings worse than taking time to go hunting for music then finding 0 good songs. expending so much energy putting mid music in your earholes then having nothing to show for it

#since i looked up lofi hiphop instrumentals for the vaughn dating sim. soundcloud thinks i want to listen to it on my own time #(i do not.)#so my soundcloud weekly all messed up fr </3 what a BUST #txt

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zestysthoughts · 2 months

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youtube

In honor of Jacob Collier's 5th album Djesse Vol. 4, I'll share the video that (A) got me into Jacob Collier, and (B) started me on the journey to finding as much of this groovy "drunk" style of music as I could. This video legitimately changed my life.

Biases aside it is a good place to start if you're interested in grooves like this and want more, as well as some history to it. He mentions people like the Soulquarians and Chris Dave, pioneers in what would become a movement ~15 years later with Lofi Hip-Hop, even though there's been people doing it the whole time like Madlib, Robert Glasper, and the above-mentioned Soulquarians.

#putts whoppin'#music for your earholes #j dilla #sungazer #adam neely #shawn crowder #questlove #the roots #erykah badu #d'angelo #hip hop #lofihiphop #chris dave #the lesson gk #jacob collier #djesse #Youtube #common

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watching-pictures-move · 1 year

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youtube

John Barry - "Main Title / Set Fight With Chuck Norris" (From Game Of Death)

#film #game of death #john barry #music for your earholes #Youtube

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waatched · 3 months

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" The only reason you’re still alive is because you’ve been useful. But the moment that ceases to be true, the second you become more trouble than you’re worth, one word, one, and I will turn you to dust. " / @ Gavin of course

A soft hum of music played around in the large loft. An apartment that the hacker had purchased some time ago. The darkness had already settled in, light only fluctuating from his open computer. Pearce had really been starting to feel the rich life around him, that life he always dreamt of having. An expensive flat, somewhere located on the last floor of the block, with all of the expenses he needed over a monthly course. This was his main residence, owned under a fake name in ctOS's database. At this point in time, Blume had a massive directory of all the interconnected devices in their extensive network. And even if they weren't devices, they'd have control of most of the city .. and even in one's personal home, they'd have access through CCTV. Through this, everyone was put at risk. Data, online traffic, conversations, calls .. everything was monitored 24/7, by some guy rotting in front of his computer on a monthly salary. That's why this whole 'interconnected' idea of a city is a bad idea for citizens. Corporations and those who worked for them would highly disagree, because they earnt their living money through selling data and utilizing it without said citizens' knowledge. Pearce was against it entirely, because he knew what hackers like him could do - the ability to easily tap into your home, find out apartment plannings and easily raid you .. all if one wanted to do it for fun. However, Gavin had a sort of rulebook he played by. It was set by him - because even if he was a cyber-terrorist. A kind of a playbook, with rules he'd never trip for his own or others' safety. As much as he liked distruction and chaos, utilizing the skills he had been learnt over the years - getting innocent people killed wasn't a thing that rubbed him the right way. Or just something that should've been done for someones' enjoyment or pure purpose of entertainment. He could never understand why one would ever wanna do that. He hated such people. Despised him from the deep, down of his soul. Always tried to figure them out, like a puzzle. One thing that he liked to do was figure out one's way of thinking, reading them like a book just from one interaction. But such people he could never .. decipher. They were a question mark, always haunting him in the back of his mind library. The soft, creamy clicks of keyboard typing echoed through the empty flat, fingers quickly drifting on the row of keys in front of the blonde male. Some code quickly flickered in and out of the monitor, multiple tabs stacking up on each other. "I've been nothing but resourceful to you," Gavin added on a prideful tone, clearing his tone before sliding back a bit on his chair - reviewing the commands he'd been typing for the past three hours. Although his back was shaped like a shrimp for not moving - and it hurt too - his eyes were hurting from all the screen time he'd been getting, and his hands went sore from typing all the time - he still had this work to do. To entertain Jordi was also another issue - the man's pride and ego were also too much, and he was lacking crucial hours of sleep. But for now - Gavin could play along like a good little bug. "have I not?" His hand gently brushed along his ear to his head piece - fixing it better in his earhole, before rolling forward to his desk and stretching a bit - literally hearing the bones in his body crack. 1/2

#( &. a necessary force/ writings )#( yes i might have stolen your hashtags ill edit them if you don't want them here!! )

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perpetualyetmildcrisis · 1 year

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Average Folks: Season 2 Premieres Thursday!

Oh, hi

I am so excited to announce that Season 2 of Average Folks releases THIS THURSDAY!

You may be asking, “Hey (checks sender name) perpetualyetmildcrisis, what’s Average Folks?”

Well let me tell you. Average Folks is a scripted, modern-fantasy podcast. Whether it’s accompanying you during your commute, desk job, self-care time, or your long, dramatic walks in the rain (I see you), Average Folks is a free audiobook for your earholes to enjoy.

Season 1 is out now, and we are excited to announce that we will start releasing episodes weekly on Thursdays starting February 23rd (THIS Thursday)!

Show Description:

Average Folks is an audio dramedy where the grass is red, Prophetesses are government-sanctioned, and spookily colorful creatures lurk in the corner.

Join your friendly neighborhood Prophetess, Terra, and the dysfunctional Liath family as they navigate life, love, and spooky creatures of ~an unusual sort~ in the fantastical territory of Vallis.

An aforementioned Spooky Creature:

"But perpetualyetmildcrisis," you press, "What are the vibes?"

Quoted, various listeners have likened Average Folks to:

“Avatar The Last Airbender meets Owl House”

“A happy, cozy Stranger Things”

“The Adventure Zone. Amnesty, if I had to be choosy”

So like, the good stuff. There's fantasy! There's silly times! There's feelz. There's lgbtq+ folx (a DAZZLING majority lmao)! There's introspection! There's exploration to new lands! There's EXCELLENT MUSIC COMPOSITION AND VOICE ACTING HOLY FUCK???

Episode 1 is linked here! For more release updates/shenanigans, follow us @averagefolksofficial on Instagram.

It would be so so so cool if this got more Intrigue, a lot of heart and soul lies within this, and we hope to continue making this Absolute Unit of a tale. We kinda need u (and want u)

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discodiscodemon · 5 months

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💙Smoshblr December Asks Day 8💛

Who are your top 3 favourite bands/musicians?

And (once again) would ppl be able to guess it was you, just by being presented with these three musicians?

HELP I ALMOST FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS ONE

omg yesss finally... time to give credit to the reason i'm VIBING this year

top 3: Tom Cardy, Michael Medrano and Gorillaz

tom cardy's music is peak. idgaf talk to the wall.. like sure it's comedy music and sometimes the comedy is just not your taste! BUT THE INSTRUMENTALS?? shove it into my earholes Please

michael medrano has a tumblr believe it or not @sleazepapi and can i just say.. the vibes are literally like i could loop this all day and i would not complain. LITERALLY go listen to his music please you won't regret it

gorillaz is well . gorillaz - they're like peak (duh) and the characters for the band are cute + song machine is their greatest album next to humanz yadda yadda talk to the wall if you want to argue IDC

as for the last question? hell yeah 😭 these 3 are the only artists i listen to consistently anymore LMFAO

#smosh #smoshblr #michael medrano #tom cardy #gorillaz

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dujour13 · 2 years

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8. Companion

A silly retelling of the recruitment of a certain degenerate aristocrat from the pov of my Andoren OC Commander Siavash (on AO3). (Probably) my last entry for the Owlcatober 2022 challenge. Many many thanks to @starlightcleric for the prompts!! writing motivation <3

The footman led them as close to the servants’ entrance as he dared. Apart from the kitchen door hanging ajar and one overturned trash bin, there was no sign that demons had recently broken into the mansion. Music, laughter, and mouthwatering odors issued from within, as if all were well in Heaven and on Golarion even while screams and ash were the only echo from without.

“Go to the Defender’s Heart,” Siavash instructed the quaking footman. He did not need telling twice.

Cautiously, led by Seelah with blade bared, they made their way into the kitchen. Not only devoid of demons, it was vast, superbly equipped, and most of all, well-supplied.

“Look at this place,” Woljif gaped.

“I know, kind of disgusting when the city’s under siege,” said Seelah.

Siavash nodded drily. “Indeed, chalk another one up.”

“Why, boy?” Nenio asked, pulling out her notepad. “Do you think this is worthy of an encyclopedia entry?”

“I mean collecting stories about degenerate aristocrats is our national sport.”

“In that case, I’m with team Andoran.” Lann shook his head in outrage. “Did you see the trash bins? There’s perfectly good food in there!”

“There’sh perfectly good food in here too,” said Woljif through a mouthful, picking through a magnificent array of hors d’oeuvres.

“Woljif!” Siavash laughed.

“Might as well fill up the ol’ loot bag,” the tiefling grinned, patting his stomach. He held out a little flaky, triangular pastry to Siavash, who couldn’t resist. It was delicious. A perfect blend of exotic spices, with just the right bite.

“Oh, that is good,” said Siavash, reaching for another.

“Thought you’d be used to shtuff like thish.” Woljif sprayed crumbs.

“Diplomats do get invited to some posh banquets, if we’re lucky.”

“You get paid to go to these things? Aha, chief,” said Woljif, wagging a finger at him. “I got your number. You ain’t hirin’ by any chance?”

“Uh, boys, I’m always up for a good party,” Seelah interjected, “but demons?”

“Right,” Siavash said, wiping his fingers on his cloak. “Forward, merry band.”

At the end of the kitchen a pair of swinging doors led into a service room. Siavash and Seelah, side by side, peered through the small round windows in the doors, and both grimaced at what they saw: a hunchbacked, slavering demon scrabbling at the doors on the far side, throwing itself against them in a mad fury.

“Abrikandilu,” Seelah said darkly. “Probably after the nude statues or something.”

Siavash whispered, “On three.”

They burst through the doors. The creature did not notice them right away, its whole body slammed up against the far doors, twisted with hatred. It clawed at its bleeding earholes. “Make…it…stop! Make it die!” it moaned.

The moment its wildly rolling eyes at last landed on the intruders, its mouth opened wider than seemed possible, and with one crazed leap it threw itself at Siavash.

He dodged, throwing himself over a drinks cart. Glasses and bottles crashed to the floor. Seelah brought up her shield. Nenio began an incantation. Lann let an arrow fly. Woljif ducked behind the buffet.

The abrikandilu scrambled around wildly, its white-hot hatred focused for some reason on Siavash. He raised his buckler and braced himself, backed up against a polished walnut buffet stacked with fine china, sword ready but not feeling very confident it was going to save him.

Seelah aimed a blow at the demon, grazing its hunched back as it pounced at Siavash.

Head down under his buckler, he couldn’t see what he was doing, but a haphazard slash connected with the abrikandilu’s shoulder as dishes rained down and shattered around him. An arrow slammed into its side, as did a flashing arcane dart. Assaulted on all sides, it dropped to all fours and kept scrabbling among shards of broken glass toward Siavash even as Seelah finished it off, running it through the heart.

Siavash lowered his buckler and let out a breath. “Thanks. Everyone.”

“Almost everyone,” corrected Lann, as Woljif re-emerged from behind the furniture.

“The footman said there were half a dozen demons. There must be more inside,” said Seelah.

Siavash nodded to the inner doors, that had apparently been hastily bolted by the servants before they fled. Beyond were only music and laughter. “It doesn’t sound like they know. Or care.”

“We gonna crash this party?” Woljif grinned, getting to work on the lock. It was large and solid but simple enough, no match for him. He pushed the bolt aside and stood up, smirking proudly.

“Ladies and gents, the Arendae mansion.

“Although,” he added, starting to look worried, “we never hit this place on account a’ the stories. One time, this guy I knew from the Northmen said he did a job with a guy whose sister tried to sneak in disguised as one a’ them Kelesh bellydancers. Only got as far as the garden gate when she saw a servant goin’ by with a basket full a’ heads. Like, severed heads, in a basket like they were pumpkins or something. And then there was the—"

“Uh, Woljif, save it for tavern time,” said Seelah.

“Fine. Just tryina warn you.” Again he slipped behind the others and let them take the lead.

At last they pushed open the service room doors and strode into the ballroom, weapons ready, and then stopped short, staring around in wonder.

The odor of food from the kitchen was now overpowered by perfume and incense. Lamps and chandeliers blazed. On a low dais, exotic dancers twisted and shimmied, and in the darker corners piles of people wriggled among velvet cushions. A few of the party guests in various stages of inebriation and undress turned languidly to stare at them.

At the far end of the dining hall a quartet performed, led by a blonde singer in a diaphanous blue dress, whose rich voice was rendering an old classic about a dark-eyed woman far more suggestive than the original. “She’s good,” Siavash said, suspecting she was what the abrikandilu had been after.

Wide eyes glued on the dancers, Woljif replied, “Uh-huh.”

“Well. Just in time.” The host of the party, a young, handsome aasimar, fully and impeccably clothed, lounged at the far end of an utterly ransacked banquet table. His hair reflected lamplight like polished gold. The only stain on his otherworldly beauty was the thin, jaded line of his mouth as he looked them up and down in undisguised boredom and said sarcastically, “Now, here’s an original looking troupe. Whatever is this patchwork creature supposed to be? Well, proceed, and make haste. And—I believe I shall insist you perform naked.”

“City defense,” said Seelah.

“Hate to disappoint, but the breeches stay on as long as we’re fighting demons,” said Lann.

“How boring of you. Here I was thinking I was saved from going positively catatonic at this party.”

“Well, I suppose we are here to rescue you,” said Siavash wryly. “The Wardstone is compromised and the demon lord Deskari has unleashed his hordes on the city. Didn’t you feel the earthquake?”

“Oh, I thought that was….” The outrageously attractive aasimar smoothed his silk shirt over his torso suggestively.

He was cut off when a barricaded set of doors behind him began to thunder and splinter, hammered from the other side by what must have been multiple strong and very angry creatures.

“Are those the demon hordes now? I wondered what all that crashing was about. I thought the servants were playing a practical joke piling up the furniture in a feeble attempt to entertain me. Or spite me, for that little joke with the love potions. Honestly, they should have thanked me. Did them a world of good.”

Siavash stared at him, hoping he’d misunderstood.

Seelah moved in, shield raised. “Get back, everybody.”

Not all the guests seemed to think that meant them. Some turned to her curiously as if this were a performance. Others didn’t seem willing, or perhaps able, to stop dancing. The musicians were lucid enough at any rate, dropping their instruments and hurrying to the other end of the room.

As Lann and Siavash ungently hauled furniture off the barricade and got ready for the doors to burst, the blonde singer launched a capella into a rousing old Second Crusade battle march. The glorious song made the whole thing seem like the performance the Count had apparently been expecting, and soon many of the guests began to clap and cheer.

Demons crashed through the doors, Seelah slammed into another abrikandilu, Siavash cut down a dretch, Nenio blasted a cambion, Lann put an arrow through the eye of a schir and everybody started singing along with the bard in the blue dress.

Surprisingly, the Count joined in the fray his precious self, eyes glowing white-gold and runes swirling at his feet.

Woljif, for his part, hung back on the opposite side of the banquet table and began stuffing everything he could reach into his pockets while the attention was elsewhere. But when an abrikandilu escaped the onslaught and charged at the exotic dancers, against his better judgment he slipped up behind it and gave it a good stab or two before it could devour one of the cowering performers. The grateful gaze of a half-elf woman wearing nothing but bangles was actually not a bad reward, he reckoned.

Before long, the demons were dispatched and the bard finished her last chorus to a wild round of applause.

Siavash stood with his blade dripping, looking for something to wipe it on and finding only the embroidered linen tablecloth.

“I wouldn’t worry,” shrugged Lann. “I’m about to blow my nose on the curtains.”

The Count bowed to his cheering guests as if he’d planned the whole thing. “Well, that certainly did add a nice frisson to this deathly dull soirée. Almost worth having a band of stuffy city guards crash my party.”

“Stuffy, eh?” said Seelah, kicking the abrikandilu’s body off her sword and selecting a bottle from the side bar.

“Ghastly eyesore,” he muttered, pushing the demon’s corpse even farther away with the toe of his boot. “I suppose I should thank you, valiant strangers. It seems Deskari’s occasion was more of a crush than mine, if you’ll pardon the pun. How surprising that the demons have overcome our defenses. They’ve only done it, oh, a score of times so far.”

Siavash finished wiping down his blade with the tablecloth. “You’re Daeran Arendae?” he asked, eschewing the use of titles as a matter of principle.

“Refreshing. Most people call me His Grace Count Daeran Kael Nevis Myriad Mellifluous Monikers Arendae.”

“Refreshing. An aristocrat who doesn’t take himself too seriously.”

“Ooh, I see now. You’re that dramatic Andoren whose name has been on so many tedious lips. Last I heard, you were languishing in the infirmary, weeping over your porridge.”

“Who told you that?”

“A little butterfly. Although, to be fair, he didn’t put it quite like that. He found you charming.”

“Which reminds me. You wouldn’t be Aranka, would you?” Siavash turned a shoulder to the Count, ignoring the barb.

“I am,” said the singer, taking a bow. “My fame precedes me, I see.” There was something ephemeral about her, as if she weren’t quite real. She had widely-spaced, dreamy blue eyes and full, pouty lips. “Good tenor, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Siavash pulled the Desnan butterfly pendant from under his collar. “Ramien sent me to find you. I’m to bring you to safety, which would have meant the Defender’s Heart, except that the bloody Prelate is there now. I can escort you to the chapel instead. Ramien and Ilkes are waiting.”

“Aren’t you cute! And what about Wallflower, any news? We were separated.”

“Thall hasn’t turned up yet. Any idea where he might be found?”

“No, and I’m sure he’s disguised or invisible or something. Here, take my scarf. If he sees it maybe he’ll make himself known.”

“Thank you.” Siavash unselfconsciously looped the diaphanous blue scarf around his neck while the Count looked on with a very dubious expression.

“As for you, Arendae, you and your household would be better off at the Defender’s Heart as well.”

“I think not. While I detest demons even more than I detest puritans, I’m not actually desperate enough to cower amidst the repugnant hoi polloi, not to mention countenance the sour and dour physiognomies of a contingent of righteous paladins of Iomedae.”

“You got a problem with my physiognomy?” Seelah asked, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “You think it’s sour now, another minute with you and it’ll be week-old milk.”

“Well, another welcome surprise. An attractive paladin with a sense of humor.”

As the Count spoke, Siavash kept his expression guardedly neutral while behind his back Aranka snuck up and made as if to smash a delicate Tian Xia vase over the Count’s sarcastic head.

“At any rate,” Arendae went on unawares, “I thank you kindly but no longer have need of your services. My guards are more than—oh dear, the love potions. They’re probably still at it.”

He sighed deeply, spying distant flames between the curtains. “Very well then. I shall grace you with my presence. This may produce a slightly dizzying effect as your company is abruptly elevated.”

Siavash and Aranka exchanged a glance.

“Uh, we’re gonna parade around the streets with this guy?” Woljif asked, arms splayed awkwardly to hide his bulging pockets. “It’s like he’s got a sign around his neck that says ‘rob me.’”

The Count looked him up and down. “Apparently.”

“Get your people together and let’s go,” Siavash said.

Seelah grabbed another bottle. “I’m gonna need at least one more if we’re gonna herd a flock of jacked up, half naked nobles through a burning city. Iomedae doesn’t pay me enough for this crap.”

At this, the Count actually laughed, and it didn’t sound completely sarcastic. “This may turn out entertaining. I believe I shall join your merry band.”

#pathfinder wrath of the righteous #pathfinder wotr #wotr commander #woljif jefto #daeran arendae #seelah #lann #nenio #fanfic

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