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eyeslikefoxglove · 4 years

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Episode 21 - The PTSD is strong with this one & we need more braincells

Hello hello! Welcome to the commentary. How’s everyone? I’m frozen solid because it’s mid-June in Spain and yet we had 11°C yesterday. Fucking awesome!

I AM NOT WEARING MASCARA SO I CAN CRY ALL I WANT. I DONT KNOW IF THATS GOOD OR BAD THO.

Can I just take a second to appreciate how much this big strong powerful men emote? I mean, I know this isn’t western media where the tough guy can’t show emotions, and I don’t know that eastern media has the same hangups about men emoting but just... it’s so refreshing.

Huaisang bb you’re so sweet.

Oh, oh the PTSD is strong with this one.

Also, bless both JC and NHS, they absolutely noticed WWX flinch and, in their own ways, went and steamrolled over it so WWX wouldn’t feel scrutinised.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO INFORM YALL THAT I GOT A KITTEN ON MY LAP. (She’s kneading my boob, which, ow, but...)

*BICHEN GRIIIIIIIP*

How do y’all think the guards go deliver bad news to WRH? Like do they paper-rock-scissor it? Draw straws?

NMJ did you have to?

And once again I wonder what would’ve happened if JFM had let sect leader Yao kick it.

Ughvhfnevus it’s this clown. Same as with Su She, if you see a bunch of screaming it’s just me not wanting to listen to Jin ZiXun.

The Nies: let’s throw a banquet to honour WWX’s return

Every asshole there: *gossips about WWX while in the room with him*

Once again I wish I could transmigrate (and speak mandarin lol) and just start delivering tongue lashings.

Listen, I have no idea how to play Guqin, but I did play the guitar for years and even from here I can see how much YiBo’s hands don’t match the melody. Nothing against him but why does this always happen? I know they got classes, so was the music not written by that time or something? Because one thing is not hitting the correct notes, another is plucking slow notes when the tempo is much faster.

JC: Since yours and LWJ’s unhappy separation...

My dumbass: do you mean breakup? *eyebrow waggle*

You will pry my “JC knows his brother is pinning after LWJ, he probably doesn’t want to know anything else” hc out of my cold dead hands thankyouverymuch.

WWX: *spouts a bunch of misdirection to avoid giving JC a straight answer*

JC: Bull-fucking-shit.

Should I count how many times WWX PTSDs all over the place or would you like me to leave your hearts intact? That’s two so far.

Ok ok, I feel that, if someone with a bit less trauma and a bit of insight (NHS maybe?) had seen the bit where ChenQing fucking hurts Shijie thing would’ve gone differently. I mean, yes, LWJ keeps warning WWX that this shit is gonna fuck him up, but as I said in my previous commentary LWJ also has the communication skills of a hermit crab so that wouldn’t work, and JC would be too wound up and WWX too busy trying to conceal his lack of golden core for that conversation to go anywhere. But if someone who WWX knows is a good egg (I’m not gonna say trusts bc paranoia) had sat him down and told him “your new instrument that you use for your new form of cultivation just hurt the person you love most please be careful when you use it.” I think it would’ve worked wonders towards his health overall.

I know Shijie says it’s like Zidian, but she’s not working with the fact that this thing is made for and by the Dark Side of the Force and I’m sorry but I can’t help but see ChenQing as a bit of a horrocrux almost. Or like, if you like me think the Burial Mounds is an Entity, something that’s a bit more sentient that it lets on.

Speaking of reputations and NHS being a good egg, I have oh-so-many ideas (I won’t say plot bunnies because I can’t write for shit) in which NHS for Reasons (time-travel? Letter from the future? His massive brain?) realises just how much damage WWX is doing to his public image. And he might be a sheltered dandy, but he saw what being the son of a sex worker did to Meng Yao despite how hard he worked (I’m assuming he doesn’t know about the whole betrayal business). This is way fucking worse, like hell is he going to let one of his best friends paint a target on his back. So he pulls back his sleeves, engages his slytherin brain and proceeds to lay down a plan to throughly destroy WWX’s reputation as a powerful genius.

I’m guessing LWJ and JC protest, and maybe WWX, and NHS just hits them with “do you want him respected or alive?” And they shut tf up. He glues himself to WWX, and brings up as many instances in which their behaviour can be compared as he can (we got drunk and punished at cloud recesses, we slept in class, we skipped to go fishing, I don’t carry my sword either). And, because assholes be assholes, people like Sect Leader Yao or Clown Cousin are quick to start spouting their own derogatory bullshit and thus WWX the untamed powerful prodigy dies a fiery death. Now he’s just a mouthy kid with a quick mind that “does tricks instead of battle” (I’ll never get bored of using that Thor quote). I also like to think that people who personally know WWX and are not pieces of shit go give NHS a tongue lashing for messing with what they thought was his friend, NHS takes that as a test of good eggness and bring them into the plan. Soon the whole Cloud Recesses class is swearing up, down, left, right and centre that all the shit WWX has ever successfully pulled is just an insane amount of luck and quick thinking.

I don’t know how would they work him into the battlefield (disguise? Mask?) to unleash his demonic cultivation but that’s Plot and I don’t do that.

Also, because I’m a terrible human being I want to say that people assume LWJ is on “pretty but useless” WWX like white on rice because *insert derogatory comment about being good in bed and sexual favours*. Because y’all know the assholes here are Like That. And WWX is horrified because holy fucking shit he’s gonna drag LWJ’s reputation down, he can’t have people thinking HGJ is ok with having him as a concubine pretty much. But before he can act LWJ politely all but confirms that yeah, he’s tapping that, y’all wish you were but he doesn’t share and none of y’all are good enough for his Wei Ying anyway. CUE FAKE/PRETEND RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I AM INDEED TRASH FOR THAT TROPE.

Muahahahaha y’all thought I was gonna devolve into my personal hcs and not include my fave trope? Shouldn’t y’all know me better by now?

(Btw I like this bit ^ so I might polish it a little and post it separately as well, just a warning if you find yourself reading an eerily similar post by me)

WuJi is playing and LWJ is pining so much. Also, if LWJ did not just realise that, just like Yu the Great, WWX had no other option but tame resentful energy I’ll eat my blanket.

I refuse to believe Jiang Yanli didn’t become the unofficial war camp therapist/sounding board/only sane person/everyone’s mum/I just need a hug and a corner to cry in peace. There are not enough fics about Shijie being her gentle BAMF self while in the camp and it’s a pity. My crops are dying y’all!

Also, I will fight anyone who scoffs at Shijie being the epitome of the “gentle woman who cooks and waits for the men to come back from war”. Look at her mum, do you think it is easy for a kid (she was a kid in the flashback when WWX ran away) to see that day in and day out, to have that as a “role model” and decide that she was not going to be like her mum? That she didn’t like what she saw in her so she was going to be kind and gentle? And do you think it is easy for a person barely in their twenties to deal with years of verbal and psychological abuse for again, being gentle and kind, and not grow a hard shell of bitterness to protect themselves? And to keep being gentle and kind while at war, with your parents dead and your siblings unraveling before your very eyes? Shijie is so fucking strong and I love her.

Hey look, the White Walkers!

“Resentful energy is just energy” ok, valid. But my dude, you’ve got black ghost smoke coming out of you and can hear people screaming in your head. I’m not saying it is evil, like someone’s uptight set in his ways arrogant uncle; but it sure as shit ain’t healthy.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH (that’s a Clown Cousin scream btw)

Ok ok, just one little thing: IF SOMEONE ELSE CALLS WWX WEI YING AS A SHOW OF DISRESPECT IMMA SCALP THEM.

...are those crows eating that man alive? Yikes on bikes.

(Assume my comment about YiBo’s Guqin playing also goes for Xiao Zhan and his flute. I can’t play the flute but the tempo doesn’t match his fingers)

I’m just gonna say it, I think 3zun (well, 2zun as of now) suspect shit went down badly for WWX, that’s two questions by both of them in a very soft conciliatory tone. They are genuinely interested/worried about the topic, and don’t seem to come off as chiding or judgemental. I mean WWX is a weirdo irreverent kid and they’re sect leaders, they outrank him so much it’s ridiculous. I’m also counting the fact that both their baby brothers like him towards them being so kind. But I also think WWX just triggers all their big brother instincts the second he walks in.

Oh there’s a thought, Shijie, Wen Qing, NMJ and LXC take a look at everyone’s shitty parents and just decide to adopt everyone.

What happened at Yiling was a traumatised teenager (is WWX even 20?) PTSDing all over the place with the Dark Side of the Force whispering in his ear and an all powerful trinket at his disposal. Not saying I approve of all the torture and murder but he clearly isn’t revelling in them.

That is some outstanding bit of big-brothering on LXC’s side and I love it. Also, my dumbass just realised LWJ probably wasn’t quoting WWX when he was being punished (what is white what is black?) I think he was quoting his big brother. Which is magnitudes deep too, but in a different direction and I might love that scene even more.

Ok fuck it, I’m gonna tangent. So I had a terrible boyfriend when I was 15-18. He alienated me from my friends, sunk my self-esteem to the molten core of the earth, tried to convince me my parents were abusive and encouraged (aka threatened manipulated and cajoled) the slow tanking of my high school marks. I have A Problem when I see media where someone latches onto their significant other and everything they are shifts towards that person. Now, love, true genuine love, is powerful, and I believe it can be the catalyst for shifting your world-view for the better. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t have a problem with people sticking with their romantic partner if it is clear their previous “family” is so much shit. I don’t have a problem with LWJ coming out of his shell and defying corrupt precepts because his love for WWX made them see they were wrong, or getting sassy and unrepentant during his punishment (I have a problem with the punishment bc that’s abuse but...). But I do side-eye WangXian being the only thing in their orbit. People need people, and WangXian have other good people around them. So I kind of love that yes, WWX showed him the system was corrupt, but it is the words of his brother he is sticking by to the defy said system.

Let’s go back to our scheduled slew of held pinning glances shall we?

LXC after That awkward run-in: WangJi I wasn’t gone that long, what the fuck did you two oblivious pining idiots do?

(LXC has “bitching” tea sessions with Shijie and you can’t convince me otherwise)

LWJ: *is being dramatic and not knocking on WWX’s door*

Me: oh my god you fucking idiot

Shijie: *walks in*

Me: oh thank god someone with a braincell.

Ah yes, there we go triggering WWX’s paranoia again. Why would he get a break.

OH MY GOD YOU PAIR OF FUCKING IDIOTS. THATS IT, FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT.

@ LWJ: bitch wtf was that? I know you’re shit at talking but have you thought about writing it down? Letters anyone? It worked for mr. Darcy.

(Yes LWJ is mr darcy and now I want an au where LWJ writes WWX letters and just pours everything in them, WWX finds them, any everything is sunshine and rainbows)

While this bullshit fight/misunderstanding is all on LWJ’s shoulders, I’m also going to scream at WWX. Because yes, he is in PTSD hell, but he trusted LWJ before, and yet he can’t get past his perceived notion of LWJ’s character (and his own inadequacies) to trust him again and ask for help. Plus, you know, he thinks he doesn’t deserve he’ll bc *waves hand at WWX’s trauma conga line*

These episodes can’t be good for my BP.

Thanks for reading!

#the untamed #cql #mdzs live action #mdzs #foxglove watches cql #foxglove watches the untamed #lan wangji #wei wuxian #wangxian #jiang yanli #jiang cheng #yunmeng trio #yunmeng siblings #commentary

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trenchcoatkitten · 4 years

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So I’ve been reading Temperature of the Heart, and you’ve mentioned how you have the whole thing written already. Can you describe what that’s like? What’s your writing process? How long does it take for you to write everything start to finish? Do you plan it all out or just kind of wing it? How long do you sit in an idea before you start?? Sorry about all the questions, I’m just so curious >_

bro!!! are you sure i will scream about writing for days omg

first of all THANK YOU its so freaking cool that you came to ask your questions and that you like my writing, im still sort of getting used to my writing not just being garbage that i read in the dark at 2am and never share with anybody, and i am always excited to answer questions waaaah

(THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG I APOLOGIZE IM PUTTING A READING BREAK IN CAUSE I WENT OFF BRO, IM THE WOOOOORST)

my process is pretty weird, it’s kind of all over the place? I’m kind of a halfway planner halfway pantser. I have an idea and usually make some disjointed notes about character and the main idea, in my phone or maybe on a google doc, and then a pinterest board maybe? Something to get excited about, a visualization. I ALWAYS tell myself im going to make an outline first and then i ALWAYS just jump right into writing because I’m too excited/impatient to wait. give me words on a page. give me dialogue.

Usually when I’m a little bit into the project, when i know that I’m not going to abandon it to the depths off where my WIPs go to die (rip like literally over 300 individual and unique works, this is NOT an exaggeration, you should see my document bank its gross) Ill say “ok fuck you sami its time to actually know where you’re going” and I’ll sit down and make the grossest outline you have EVER seen. like im talking, my outlines are littered with memes, me yelling at myself, actual stuff thats going to end up in the final project, and just general random garbage? its so gross. Ive literally only showed one of my outlines to one person ever (hi akira!) bc im super self conscious of them and hate the way that i write them. making an outline usually sucks up an entire day of writing. they’re pages and pages because some parts will be INCREDIBLY specific and other parts will be so vague you dont even know

From there, when im done with my garbage outline, (after going back through what I’ve written and fixing the shit that was just me going off like a psycho) I usually start writing in earnest. I’ll highlight the parts of the outline that I’ve done and I’ll go back and check it often to make sure im following through on my plans and the character arcs and such, making sure that everything ties in and such. This section is me like. every day getting home from work or whatever and sitting down at the computer and not moving until 2am, this is the section where i forget to eat and I dont sleep enough and i forget to drink water or take my vitamins and I do word sprints with myself and have days where I write 10 thousand words in one sitting. (very not healthy and also terrible i do NOT recommend) this is the section where I’ll handwrite anything i can in the back of classes and at rehearsals because im pouring out words.

during this section I go back and edit ENDLESSLY. i cannot write something and just let it be. I go back to the section I wrote the night before, I go back to the section I just wrote, i go back to the very beginning. I generally dont have to do 1st 2nd 3rd draft this way, but it is much more time consuming as Im just writing. i dont know if i reccommend this its a MESS

THeN once i finish writing the whole thing, i sit down and reread/edit the whole thing once through. this makes sure i have good flow, the paragraphs go together well, the prose feels right to me, timelines make sense. during this time i make ENDLESS paper notes with calendars, section notes, additions, drabbles, thoughts about my own shit. i have notebooks full of just garbage. im not kidding. full notebooks.

Once I finish that read/edit through I’m usually happy. only once something is completely finished will I consider posting. I go back too much, I add shit, I can’t let go of shit, not until it’s done. While I’m posting - I go through the chapter I’m going to post with a fine tooth comb, try to catch any tiny little mistake, add words here and there, but never change anything large if I can help it. Then i format it on Ao3 (this is literal hell, fuck the HTML editor it wants me to die) and then post it. Deciding to post a chapter to actually hitting ‘post’ usually takes me 1-4 hours, depending on the length, the difficulty of formatting, and how many goddamn links i wanna put in the chapter notes cause im the worst~ (insert jean ralphio voice)

~~~

LISTEN im probably super extra but I’ve been writing since I was in sixth grade (thats twelve years! time is an enigma and i hate it!) and so I have a bit of practice, i have a bit of experience and while I’m not the best me that I can be, I KNOW myself, and this is just what works best for me.

As for timing - it depends on the length of the project and how motivated I am. It took me about a month to write Royal (~50k), just a little over a month to write All Might’s All Night Shop Stop (~75k), and just about two months to write Temperature of the Heart (~115k). I try to post every few days, because as a person I hate waiting and I don’t want to do that to my readers!

~~~

As for the ‘how long do i sit on an idea before writing it’ it really depends. Some things I will receive inspiration or a sliver of an idea and start writing it in the next ten minutes, even if I have to stop working on something I’m already working on, because that was Brain Has Decided. Sometimes I will consider an idea for like. months before actually doing it. I’ve had the idea for FBoW (the newest thing im working on oops? have i told anybody about this NO cause that will make it REAL) since before I started Royal, which was like. Last november. But I just couldnt quite do it for some reason, and it wasn’t pressing. My brain is super broken, and a lot of times I get sick over ideas. I can’t sleep or eat until I’ve written, and I will repeat phrases to myself until i can get them out of my head by writing them down. (Sometimes this is something nice or poetic - “The golden hour lights up the whole world, wiggling its fingers into every nook and cranny, lighting up two people lounging on a bench-swing, someone leaned onto porch stairs with a mug of tea, the space between those walking down a dirt road, a couple of dogs laid out on the deck.” and other times its literally “Ranch Fiddlesticks.” I’m not kidding. i have a note in my phone that says ranch fiddlesticks because I was actually going to Die if i didnt write it down.)

I do wish my brain didn’t do this - but I guess it makes some fun art, doesn’t it?

WOW OKAY THIS WAS SO LONG im so sorry jesus christ. SOrry i will ALWAYS go off about my process and what it’s like to write. Writing is so so important to me, I LOVE it with every tiny atom of my weak, alcohol-infused, overworked heart. Despite how scary it is sometimes I am very glad to be sharing my work with the world, seeing peoples’ reactions and hearing things about my words, hearing how this little picture in my mind has gone into yours.

okay jfc im done now im so sorry. thank you again and again and again, a thousand times over, for reading my work and enjoying the worlds that i enjoy building. It makes me feel like I’m worth it. It makes me feel like I’m doing something good.

ily :’)

#my writing #dont open this unless you're ready #its like 1.5k words long #I WENT OFF #i have so many feelings ok #i have so so so many feelings #thank you so much for sending me an ask #i love you nonny #sami answers

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fallenangelloyalty · 4 years

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One helluva orgasm

Well , dont kniw how great this is gonna sound.... but what that fuck, ain't one mother fucking ear gonna hear.... resavore dogs........... life goals.. . I have always daydreamed about, (only when I had a head full of rage and a body full of nothing)... standing in the corner, waiting for some to come scream with me..... mmmm, who did I steal those last two lines from.. or where... if you dont already know, I dont need to tell you.... are your curious at all????.... fuck it, the suspense is killing me.... mudvayne you fucking asshole , unmusically inclined, self centered prick!!!!!... lmao... I always wanted to say that... fuck me Alex, talk about rambling thoughts..... fuck... it might sound bad. But I just have too much up there stored away behind doors that all have different key holes..... so you would think that if the key dont fit... dont go in there.... and I think , if the shoe fits, fucking wear it.... I wear a 7 by the way..... if you wanna buy me some shoes and call me out on some shit.... lol.. always hustling somehow... momma needs new shows and I'm broke as fuck. .. funny thing is, fuck being with or without. . I'm gonna survive either way.. and still be happy... most of the time.. as long as I dont go reenter the wrong door.... who needs keys, when you leave all the doors open. . I'm not afraid of who might go in there. I dont wanna leave anyone or any being, aka entity, left locked in there. If you are in my mind, I gotta look out for ya.... i have done some shady shit in my life, but I'm come to realization that when i lay down at night, my conscience is bare..... damn, that line has been taken by zakk wilde.... he would be proud.... fuck what an i thinking. He dont hive a fuck either.... ... fuck me I feel like a retard genius sometimes... statistically the average genius is a housewife..... with a score of like 140 or something.... because a high IQ is fucking logic... common fucking sence.... street smarts basically.... and I got more of that than anyone I've meet with a college degree. ... fuck me Alex, so much wasting talent, I work at IHOP as a server, taking it up the ass everyday from "the man".... I could have been a fucking porn star, and or prostitute, with very selected clientele, and taking it up the pussy.. although I love to play with ass.... omg, I honestly hope no one finds this one and reads it

.... therebus only less than a handful of people that could read this and get it, other than that, I'd be locked up at rusk again... . . Damn, at least there I would get free room and board, free food, too be honest, alot of free entertainment... and last but definitely not least, there would be plenty of listening ears that hear me as well... ol. .. focus.... damn I'm in a tight spot (oh brother where are tho)... just in case it went over your head. Or wherever your neurotransmitters in up... I'm guessing In the hippo campus

.. and that's not a school for hippos... I think it could be a place close to where all the dope smoking, free spirited hippies loss all there shit.... fuck me Alex. Talk about multitasking. I was playing with ass and masterbating earlier and feeling the music.... ok back to the top.... alot of times, during a body full of nothing and a head full of rage. I wanted to pita cigarette out in someone eye... someone who would deserve it by the way.. and say to them, can you see clearly now.... your welcome, dont mention it.... just chalk it up to be

helping carma out... it's either a bitch or a blessing.. and the second thing I conjured up within this head full of bullshit, is I would love to pull out my knife and cut your fucking ear off, which you wouldnt miss cuz its perfectly useless to you, and say can you hear me now, you fucking slut ass , whore ass, deaf bastard..... ok .. finally , back to my point... like I said I'm sure none of this is gonna matter anyways... fuck, to me it means everything.... say you had a piece of clothe, maybe a 12 in by 12 in piece of material.... and that fucking shit mattered to you... It would matter to me too. . ......... (sidetrack). Do I wanna be on or off the rails of the crazy train. After scrolling al the way to the top of this psychotic piece, that flows from my mind and off my lips like cum I'm trying to spit out...or in this case flows from my mind and off my fingertips... hence, I'm typing you fucking unreceptive robot covered in dirty flesh ... *I'll tell you where else these finger tips have been tonight, if you could hear me.... but you cant, and I know that fir a fact, cuz if you are reading this and really trying to comprehend what the fuck I'm trying to say, unless you are a fucking trooper and have some fucking depth to the soul and really digging what the fuck I'm saying like we are kindred spirits and connected by something that is far from tangible ... you are having to read each sentence two or three times to feel it.. hell if you had to do that, you ain't made it this far................................... should be safe enough now to say what the fuck I mean and mean what the fuck I say....

Fuck the poor pitiful me cop out... it's not about that.... it's about you, poor pitiful you... and by you I mean 98% of the people I communicate with... ok maybe 98. 2%... wait, I'm gonna put this on the table.. throw it out there for ya... open mouth insert foot.. biting off more than you can chew and walking around naked I. Your living room... feel free.... jagged little pill... yes you.. and ne of course... he is my question, and it's not one for you to answer, cuz truth does not exist, but the lies do... perversion of the truth... misguided in misderection..... Chad gray. Hiw the fuck , how in the hell can people be so two faced... how can someone or anyone fir that matter, be close to someone and not wanna even try to understand one another... answer, people dont like what they dont understand... they fear the unknown..... if they are not benefiting from it... gaining from it.. they dont give a fuck.... no concept of sacrificial love.... .... guestion... and of course rhetorical again.... how can they say they love you.... they dont even fucking know you.... never tried... ....reality check.... do on to others as you wish them to do unto you.... common fucking courtesy of the human race... we are all connected in

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undinefin · 6 years

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Love Post (fuck you guys)

ok! SO! since some people decided to show me up and do extra long paragraphs and make me a friggin playlist, obviously I had to do something too!!! this is going to be a long post, so there is heavy scrolling involved. I'm sorry.

also, i'd like to apologize to the people that i wasn't able to write stories for, be it I haven't known you enough, or im just a horrible friend (im sorry ood i will write u all the sanic fanfic) im really really sorry!!!

tbh you dont even have to read the stories if you dont want to??

PLEASE READ THIS: this is the authors note where i essentially justify the mess (or messes if you decide to read all of them) that you are about to lay ya eyes on. i wrote most of these in a non-lucid state, fuelled only by anger and lack of sleep. they aren't the most amazing things. akire, you have another note before yours bc reasons. also im on the computer there will be no emojis sorry im lazy

the story order goes!: Boo CP Fath Nom Kiki Akire ^^ roughly based on story length.

first however, i'm gonna get other mutuals their love posts!!!

@fooderaser : Ch!! The gc misses you so much aahhh i haven't talked to you in so long :(((( i'm sorry i didn't write you a story, and honestly the whole "haven't talked to you enough" is a poor excuse but really, if and when you're available i'll write you all the stories!!! you are so kind, and whenever we are blessed by your presence in the gc it's so nice! you bring this energy in that's so refreshing, and i've seen that post!! You're so beautiful!! I hope to be able to talk to you more! <3

@sambashua: Mir, I haven't known you for a long time, but you seem really nice!! I'm glad i have another friend to yell about Haikyuu!! with. SEEAASON FOUR BETTER COME OUT AND WHEN IT DOES WE SHALL Y E L L. im also glad to be a fellow cheermander, and will continue to work on the fy-charmander blog! hope we can talk more!!

@coralinfluencershark: AUD MY DOD WHO HAS A GREAT BOD (i just thought of that today are you proud) i love you sosososoossoososos much words cant even describe it. again, i'm sorry i didnt write you the sanic x peach x dobby fanfic that i know you are dying to read. YOU ARE SO SWEET AND NICE AND CARE ABOUT ISSUES AND ITS GREAT and you are a lil strange (please, if you have to, BUY a verbal filter) but you are very loved. i love spending time with you, and you never fail to make me laugh. you'RE SO COOL ADN YOU CAN SKATE and are so much smarter than you think you are. im excited for bnha season 3, so on that note, i leave you with this (i sent it to u but idk if u watched it)

@juliaplatinumerr: JU CHAAAAN !!! i love you a lot a lot we have known each other for so long and thANK YOU for still keeping in contact with me it's honestly so magical. IM SORRY I DIDNT WRITE YOU ANYTHING I HAVE NO GOOD EXCUSE i can only offer my presence (aka we should hang out sometime??) and i might go back to japan so if u want anything hmu!! really you're so nice, and reliable, and i love that i can still talk to you and help you!! really really, I love you a lot!!

alrighty now we can move onto the stories!!! i'm so sorry this is a mess. love you all. btw the love paragraphs are arguably gonna be shorter...maybe.

Truthfully, I had no idea where I was going with any of these, and the writing is mediocre at best (because I know I can do better but…haahhhh) so yeah. If anything think of them as like….random little scenarios that I wrote up in which I am not-so-discreetly complimenting y’all in about 1000-2000 words. I don’t think there’s any romance??? Like if there is its like pure n shit but im still not the most comfortable with writing self insert also age! Anyways, apologies in advance. I wasn’t lucid during the making of any of these.

paragraphs look so fugly in tumblr oml.

@caramelmacch1ato: BOOOOOOO!!! I actually love you sosos much i cant even start to describe it. You're so sweet and so smart wtf please teach me. i love reading your goodnight posts that i think you've sent nearly every night??? thats impressive damn. YOU ARE IMPRESSIVE I AM IMPRESSED BY YOU. i hope you enjoy the story i have no idea whats happening. love youuu <333

Remember

Boo had been to tons of concerts before, she’d been lucky enough to even get Meet n’ Greet tickets for Day6, where she met her bias Jae. He was funny, and strange, but also beautiful and amazing. There were still so many groups she wanted to see live, like Seventeen and Astro, but when Day6 was hosting their second live in America, she was definitely going.

Getting tickets was always a hassle, and even if Day6 didn’t have 4 billion followers (though they deserved it) you had to be clicking ‘check out’ the second the tickets were released to get Fansign tickers. Though, Boo always managed to pull through.

Fast forward about three weeks and Boo was once again lining up with a large poster board outside of the Day6 concert venue. It was a little chilly, as they were performing in February, but it was a birthday gift for Boo, so the cold didn’t bother her too much.

The anticipation killed her, “I Wait,” yeah, she sure as hell did. It took another fifteen minutes for the venue to dim, and the five members of Day6 ran onstage. Screams filled the theatre, and they didn’t stop for the next two hours. Boo’s Korean had improved since the last concert, and during the times where they would MC, she was able to pick up some words.

Her poster was a light-up one, with nine pictures of the Day6 members, and a neon title spelling out “According to this mood board, how are you feeling today?” During one of their songs, she could have sworn Jae pointed at it and laughed.

Jae had easily captured her heart, and he played a large part as to why Day6 was her bias group. He was funny, attractive, and had a beautiful voice. The fact that he spoke English was also helpful, in that she could sometimes understand him (“sometimes” because let’s face it, half of what he said was meme garbage).

The boys were doing a game section, in which they had to name their songs by the intro music as fast as they could. Whoever got the most right would draw from a lottery, and the lucky person would come up on stage to receive a prize. YoungK was winning, with Jae at a close second. Dowoon was surprisingly third, and Wonpil and Sungjin were tied for last place.

Familiar music filled the room, and the fans were shouting out the answers arguably faster than any of the boys. Jae hit his buzzer. “그렇더라고요!” he shouted eagerly. With this he was tied with Younghyun. “Or, When You Love Someone,” he followed up, remembering that the audience was English.

“I LOVE YOU JAE,” Boo screamed, her voice was hoarse from the fanchants, and general shouting, but she wasn’t fazed. Some other fans in the audience added on, and Jae bore a proud look. YoungK rolled his eyes but laughed, and Dowoon mumbled something about how he should’ve guessed that, since those were his drums.

Boo, able to pick up his worry due to her knowledge and proximity to the stage followed up with a, “YOU’RE PERFECT DOWOON.” Dowoon perked up, and others also shouted words of encouragement to him, as well as the other members.

The concert slipped away all too soon, and many were upset that their time with Day6 was over. The Hi-touch ticket holders went to give the members a quick high-five before leaving, practically worshipping their hands.

Boo got in line for the Jae Meet n’ Greet, which was very long. She was one of the last people to join, and the other lines were beginning to fill up as well. Boo watched the other people meet the members, some cried, others laughed, and a few even gave them gifts! The MyDays were very respectful though, and Boo was proud to be a part of them.

The minutes ticked by, and her poster felt heavier by the second. Boo checked her makeup to ensure she didn’t look like a total wreck. Jumping up and down, and singing along to songs was a lot more work than it seemed. Her makeup looked clean though, and there was one zit that she couldn’t cover up, but she could hide it with her hair.

“Hi there!” Jae smiled. Boo smiled back shyly, as always, he was even more beautiful in person! His smile was radiant, and despite how tired he was from performing, his face still looked energetic, like a puppy. “I’m number eight by the way,” he mentioned.

“Number eight?” Boo repeated, confused.

Jae pointed to her poster, “Yeah on your mood board! Feeling totally pumped today, I also look especially fabulous in that photo! But number two, Sungjin eating…. that’s a close one.”

Boo laughed, “I think I’m also eight. Seeing you guys really gets me excited, I love your music a lot.”

Jae grinned, “That’s good, but I’m the main reason, right? My looks are so attractive that it compelled you to buy a ticket!

“Of course,” Boo agreed jokingly.

“That laugh…you’re the ‘Okie Dokie Artichokie’ girl, aren’t you? I say it all the time to piss off Brian, he says I say it stupidly.”

Jae remembered her laugh, Jae remembered her.

“That’s because you do!” YoungK hissed. The girl that was meeting with him laughed as well.

Jae pulled his face into a strange expression, with his eyes looking upwards and a frown upon his lips. “OkIE doKiE, ArticHOkie,” he jested. His voice sounded like Goofy from Mickey Mouse, and Jae couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the end. He added finger guns that pointed at Boo.

“I’m proud,” Boo wiped an invisible tear from her eye.

“You should be, how have I never known this before?” Jae agreed seriously.

“Such ignorance for a wonderful phrase, I’m glad I was at least able to teach it to you, even though it was late.”

“As your follower in the religion of mood boards, and random phrases, I appreciate the important lesson.” The two of them continued back and forth, as their scenario grew more and more outrageous. It was when aliens were brought into the conversation that the two broke out into laughter.

“That was fun, you’re fun,” Jae exclaimed. “You’re funny too, and nice! An ideal Myday, but most importantly, you stan me! Which makes you the most ideal Kpop fan of all!”

“Well…you are my ultimate bias,” Boo admitted.

“ULTIMATE!?” Jae guffawed. He turned to Younghyun, “Hear that? I’m her ultimate bias.” Jae bore a proud look on his face. He turned back to Boo, “Well, I’m just so handsome and talented that it’d be hard not to have me as an ultimate bias! Though everyone is starting to appreciate the other members’ individual looks, which is nice. Your looks could rival even mine!”

Boo blushed at that. As much as Jae joked(?) about how godly his face was, no one could actually deny it. He was very attractive after all, and being compared to that by the man himself, Boo was half certain she was dreaming.

“Thank you, I tried hard for you tonight,” Boo smiled.

“Ah see, that’s a killer smile right there. The makings of an idol! All you have to do now is learn some Korean and it’ll be smooth sailing from there. With all your charisma and caring-ness, the companies will be fighting over you!” Jae gleamed at her.

Jae noticed the time was ticking by, and the other girls in line were still waiting. “Alright Ms. Artichokie, is there a better name I can call you?”

“Boo.”

Jae grinned and held out his hand. “Alright Boo, I hope you come to lots of concerts, and if you DO sign under a label be sure to tell me,” he winked at her, “Till then, I’ll remember you, Boo.”

@howcaniwait: CP overlord, you are truly the glue that sticks this mess of a gc together. i love you so much its actually so overwhelming for ma lil heart. you are so sweet, and you have evolved so much!! to love kpop!!!!! you're so beautiful thoSE EYEBROWS MAN and you're so easy to talk to and get along with and wE LIKE P!ATD YAAY. really you're actually one of the smartest people i know and i know sometimes it gets overwhelming but you're so smart i know you are!! again, i hope the story does some justice??? its kinda lame but whATEVER

Five Minutes

The chances that you’d meet someone famous were quite slim, and it seemed that if you were a fan of said celebrity, the chances would be even slimmer. Taken that CP didn’t live in a largely visited country for artists, to even perform in, her chances were slimmer.

But CP loved the artists that she did nonetheless. Maybe a year ago she was wary of them, and she even made fun of the people that liked them! But slowly, very slowly, she began to have a change of heart. Day6 was something different compared to the other ones she had heard of at the time. Their music was magic, and the people who made that music were beyond skilled. She fell in love with them fast, and the one who caught her eye was none other than Kang Younghyun.

He had remained her ultimate bias for a year of Kpop adventures, which involved spending a lot of time online staring at pretty boys singing, dancing, and talking. Despite all the amazing idols she had seen, nothing could top her love for YoungK of Day6.

“You hear that CP?” A hand waved in front of her face. Kiki and L were sitting in front of her, at a restaurant in Korea Town. “They don’t have any more Bibimbap,” Kiki recapped. After tons and tons of pestering from her friends, and saving up, as well as a generous Christmas gift, CP was able to meet her friends in the place where YoungK had studied, Toronto.

“Ah, then I’ll have the….” CP quickly looked at the menu, “Tteok-bokki.” It was the cheapest option.

The three had energetic conversations about Kpop stars, as all avid fans of the music. It ranged from trying to discern the song that was playing in the restaurant, to showing Kiki various images in hopes that her alter ego would come out.

“Stop!” Kiki whined, the last picture of Bambam was starting to push her off the edge.

L nodded, “Yeah, please stop we don’t need that in this nice restaurant.”

“I can’t help it! You guys are the ones showing me the images!” Kiki argued.

“In this Good Christian Restaurant?” CP ignored her friend. “Control yourself,” she gave Kiki a stern look, despite being the one showing her the images. Kiki mumbled something under her breath.

The food in the restaurant was good, and CP thought that the Tteok-bokki was actually pretty delicious. Half way through the meal L sighed loudly.

“The damn subways are closed, I have to take the bus home. I hate taking the bus,” she informed the others. Kiki laughed, she could walk home from their location. CP was getting picked up by her parents, so it wasn’t a big deal for her too. “I’m probably going to have to leave early.”

The plan was that they’d eat, then go to a Kpop store with a good stock of albums. After another fifteen minutes, L apologized before setting down some money for her portion of the meal and then leaving to catch the bus.

“That sucks,” Kiki sighed. “We can still go though, that’s fine, right?” CP nodded. They finished paying and then left for the store. The remaining snow on the ground was mostly slush, and even though the sun was out, a chill still remained in the air. CP was glad she wore her boots.

The store clerks greeted them nicely, and Kiki showed her to the Day6 section of the store, before going to buy another album to add to her collection. With the remaining $25, CP decided to buy Daydream.

“Maybe I should buy a BTR album in Toronto too…” CP wondered aloud, purposely saying it so that Kiki could hear

Kiki’s enraged expression was hardly fake, “Don’t you dare mention that name within my sanctuary of Kpop albums!”

CP laughed, “It was a joke, a joke.” Kiki grumbled, unconvinced. The two of them left the store, that they admittedly spent far too long in. Kiki managed to find a poster of an Astro member, and the searching alone took around ten minutes.

“You want me to wait with you?” Kiki asked.

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” she assured her friend. Kiki lingered for a bit, before the cold air started getting to her. She said her goodbye, and promised to meet again.

CP had around five minutes until her parents would pick her up, those five minutes would possibly be the most fantastical five minutes of her life thus far. It started with her taking out her new Day6 album, because damnit they didn’t put their music on any platforms. CP quickly cracked it open, curious to see her photo card. She wouldn’t risk opening it anymore, lest she drop it in the slush. A picture of Wonpil staring into the camera at the beach was inside. She took it out to admire the photo. Even if he wasn’t her bias, CP was a good Kpop stan who appreciated all the members.

CP looked up for the briefest moment. She noticed someone rather tall, asking various people for something. Though, through the bustle of the streets no one seemed to stop and reply to him. CP looked closer, there was something so painfully familiar about him, and maybe it was the shock, or the sunglasses, but CP couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

“Excuse me, miss?” the man had come up to her. He had a slight accent, but his words were still clear.

“Oh! Yes?” CP responded, somewhat startled.

The man sighed, “Finally. Do you have any toonies, or tokens? The subway is closed down, and I need to take the bus. It’s been a while…I’m still not completely familiar with this section of Toronto.

CP didn’t say anything, but rummaged through a bag she had brought. She was still racking her brain, trying to think of who it was. But…it couldn’t be him. There was no way, this would have to be some shitty story that was written to the ideals of mere humans.

She handed him a token that her mother had given her just in case. “Thank you, you’re very kind,” he smiled at her.

CP knew that smile, almost as much as she knew the music that it went with. “You…you’re YoungK, right?”

Younghyun hummed. Normally he’d deny it, not cause a fuss, because even if people didn’t know you, they’d still try to take pictures just so they could say ‘I met YoungK.’ But something felt different, maybe it was her kindness, or the Wonpil picture she held between her fingers, or just a feeling, but something was different.

“I am,” he smiled again. He saw her face light up. Contrasting to all the dreary slush, and grey air, her smile and eyes were shining brightly. Her eyes were soft, but still looking at him in awe, and her smile was beautiful, big, and loving. “Would you like a signature?” Younghyun offered.

CP opened her mouth, though nothing audible came out. Instead she nodded, and held out the new album. Her heart was beating faster than it ever had before. Thousands of thoughts, questions, and horrible conversation starters were floundering around her head, but none of them were spoken.

“Thank you,” she finally said. “Thank you so much. You…your music, your voice, everything is so amazing! You know I wasn’t a huge fan of Kpop, but I listened to you guys, and it was like a whole new sky had opened up for me.” Her voice was filled with amazement, as if she was singing praises, she practically was. CP was thoroughly grateful.

YoungK handed back the album. “Thank you,” his voice was firm. “Thank you for supporting us. Day6 would be nothing without our fans. I would just be a guy with a nice voice. You’ve given us something amazing, more than any of us could comprehend.” His eyes focused on her. “I’m glad that our fans are kind ones like you, and I’m glad I was able to change your heart. Can I call you something?”

CP was still in shock that the Kang Younghyun was talking to her, was complimenting her! “Uh…I’m known as Charlie by my friends…” she mumbled.

“Okay, Charlie, maybe we’ll meet again. Thank you so much!” he began to back away.

CP quickly sprung to action. “Wait!” she called. “Could I…could I get a picture? Is that okay?

YoungK laughed, “Sure. Really, you’re so considerate, even just asking for a picture.”

Five minutes. It had been five minutes, and her parents pulled up. CP was still going through the scenario in her head over and over again. She had met YoungK.

Just as Younghyun had met Charlie.

@lollipopp3725: FATTHHHH!!!!!! oh gods when you were added to the chat and i found out we couLD YELL ABOUT UTAITE AND HAIKYUU you saw me i was literally having a breakdown i was so happy. so thank you for putting up with all my rants about them! you're so sweet!! i loved the story you wrote, jesus that angst man. you're so nice, and so energetic aND YOUR PUNS ARE TOP QUALITY. good puns, you could call them...aJUN nice. i know you had like a few other people that you heavily biased but here's jun!

Hugs

Fath was growing a little impatient.

Weeks ago, somehow, miraculously, she had been able to buy a Seventeen album from a store and her parents were not aware of exactly what she had purchased. Fath knew that Seventeen was in Singapore for a tour, but when she opened her album to find a ballot to the fansign, she almost had a heart attack.

Fath knew that having one ballot was nothing, and there was nearly no chance of her getting into the event, but she couldn’t risk buying the album again. Even so, Fath filled out the ballot, because “nearly no chance” was better than no chance at all. Despite that, she still had little faith in the ballot. People would buy ten albums, twenty, or even fifty just to get into the fansign. It was a groundless dream.

So, when Fath received the news that she was accepted into the fansign, she went into shock for a good few minutes before muffling her cries into a pillow. Fath’s heart wouldn’t calm down – she swore it was working harder than when she did physical activity – and she kicked at the air, trying to contain her excitement.

There was only one problem now. Her parents.

They weren’t fans of music to begin with, finding it distracting, especially what they classified as “teenager music.” Kpop was worse. They disregarded anything Kpop, and Fath had remained a closeted fan in the presence of her parents.

The most Fath could do was tell them she was going out with a friend, and hope they wouldn’t question her too much. If they asked why there was a strange bulk in her bag, maybe she could say it was a book and hope they weren’t suspicious. Fath thought herself an okay liar, so she could get by. The fansign shouldn’t take more than an hour after all.

Fath only got a few, “When will you be back” and “Tell us if anything changes” before getting the approval to go out. She texted a friend to tell them about the plan, just in case her parents asked about it later.

The location of the fansign was a little far out, but it would only be a half our train ride, then a short walk. There were only a few delays on the train, which in turn resulted in an extra ten minute ride, but Fath still had around fifteen minutes before the fansign started. The air was crisp, and the sky was especially clear. Fath quickened her pace.

The building was one of the smaller ones on the block, only going up to about three stories high. The e-mail said to go downstairs, and the staff members would help guide you to the fansign location.

Fath luckily only took one wrong turn, and was quickly redirected into the proper room. About a hundred other girls were there, all bustling with excitement. It was loud, and everyone seemed to be talking to everyone. Before Fath could join into any conversation of “who’s your bias,” or “which album do you like best,” a middle-aged man stood at the front to gather everyone’s attention.

“Alright everyone, please listen carefully,” the feedback from the microphone whined, sending out a sound a little too high for humans to comprehend, but low enough just to pierce their eardrums. The man apologized, and proceeded to explain how the fansign would work.

Essentially, after Seventeen answered questions from the post-it notes, everyone would line up under who they had slotted, and they’d have a short time to chat, only about a minute. The members would sign a poster, and you could give gifts. The fansign wasn’t too strict, despite the band being Seventeen.

And that brought Fath to the present, where she was getting impatient. She had the Jun fansign slot, and was currently waiting in line to meet him. She was fine with that; the waiting was fine. What was annoying her was that she had been waiting for nearly forty minutes, and Fath was finally at the front of the line, but the girl in front of her was taking a long time. They were only supposed to have a minute when the fansign part started, but Fath was certain this girl had been clinging to Jun for nearly two minutes now. She was the last person in line, and a lot of the other lines were almost done too.

There was a sudden cry. Fath turned to see a burst of water sailing through the air. A pipe had sprung loose in the building, and the girls near it, as well as Dino were getting sprayed with water.

Chaos ensued. The water was getting more intense, as other breaks in the pipes were slowly forming. Both the fans, staff members, and Seventeen hastily ran away from the scene. After a few moments of ensuring no one was hurt, the middle-aged man stood up again.

“The fansign is now closed. We’re sorry for the inconvenience, but this is both the allocated time of closing, and considering the problem, we have to close it down anyways. If you were unable to receive the posters, please pick them up at the front,” he announced.

Most of the girls didn’t mind, they had already met with one of the members. Fath however, did mind. She didn’t care about the posters (well she did but not as much as) she cared about meeting Jun. In the crowd, she couldn’t even see him. Like the other members, he was probably already being escorted away.

Fath felt like screaming, or crying. Either were fine. She thought that maybe, just maybe she’d be able to meet her bias. She’d be able to talk to them. But it was ruined because what? A broken pipe and some insensitive girl who took too long. It was unfair. Fath was the last girl in line to talk to Jun. It was frustrating if anything, but a small part of her said “What do you expect?” All that risk with her parents for nothing.

Most of the girls had already left the room, trying to avoid the growing puddle of water. Fath followed, trudging along, when someone tapped her shoulder.

Truthfully, Fath wasn’t in the mood to talk to someone. She wanted to grab her poster and go, but the voice that spoke certainly wasn’t a fan.

“You are…l…last?”

The voice was too deep to be a girl’s, and the accent and broken English was all Fath needed to turn around to see who was talking to her.

It was Jun. He turned around to face Vernon, who mouthed him something else. “I am…sorry,” he said robotically. Fath felt like crying again, but for another reason. Jun was talking to her, Jun wanted to speak to her.

“Thank you,” she breathed.

Jun smiled at the recognizable words, “You’re welcome.” He stared a while, seeming to be thinking before opening his mouth again. “You like…something? Hand?” Jun held out his hand low enough to be a handshake, but high enough to go for a high five.

Fath noticed the other members walking out another exit. “Thank you so much! You probably have to go but…can I have a hug?”

“Hug?”

Fath felt awkward, he wasn’t too clear on what a hug was. “You…you know…arms around each other,” she lifted her arms as if pretending to go into the hug. Jun nodded and made a sound before raising his arm and hugging Fath.

It was a good hug. Jun was warm, which made Fath feel warm, and protected too. Jun lingred in the position, staying as they were for just a bit longer. Fath lightly rested her head against him, mumbling another thank you. The idol looked at her and smiled. His smile was cute, beautiful. Fath could’ve melted right then and there.

Jun pulled away, giving Fath one last smile before leaving. Maybe she didn’t officially have her fansign, but who cares because she just got to hug Jun.

@achuu-nice: nomiTH NOM NOOMMOFSNDK! i love you. you are the bestest mom i could think of anD YOU ARE SO SO SWEET!!! MUCH CARE!!! thank you for also suffering through the haikyuu angst fic, come to me and yell when you are done. no but seriously you are so nice and kind and even though i am the hype woman u give me lots of hype. so nice. I HOPE YOU ENJOY JEONGHAN. i loveeee you!!!

I’m sorry, this got out of hand

~A magical world in which nom and hannie can understand each other~

Angel

Nom was always the mother of the group. She was responsible, and always cared for her friends, regardless of whether they were actually younger than her or not. It fit, Nom the mom, Mom, and she truly loved all those dubbed as her children. But other than her name, what was it exactly that attracted people to her mom-ness? As well, would Nom ever know how it feels to be mommed? Truly, such questions were ones that could hardly ever be answered.

It was one fateful day, Nom was innocently listening to Teen, Age as she walked to buy more bird feed. Flower was booming in her earbuds, and when Jeonghan’s voice came on at exactly 2:42, she completely forgot her surroundings.

The bike came out of nowhere. She could hardly hear the bike bell over the sound of the music. She looked up to see the bike speeding towards her, and the person riding it screaming something.

It happened in an instant. Nom’s vision went fuzzy, and an incessant ringing was going off in her ears. There was a bright light, and then a warm voice.

Nom…

The voice was soft, and Nom could have sworn there was a slight echo to it. The voice was not clear, was she unconscious?

Nom…wake up…

It sounded very familiar…but something was different. If it was really that voice, then there would be an accent, and that was even assuming he could speak English. But this voice…it spoke in perfect English with practically no accent. The white light was still there, and Nom was fairly certain she was still awake.

Open your eyes…child…

Child? Did the voice call her child? When was she ever the child? Nom tried to “open her eyes,” but nothing changed. Her eyes were definitely open, and for whatever reason nothing actually hurt, despite being hit by the bike. Speaking of which, was not there. Where was the bike? Nom looked down, where was the road? She was in some strange white plane, with mist floating around everywhere.

Nom opened her mouth, seeing if she could at least talk, “My…my eyes are open. Maybe you could turn down the brightness?” Her suggestion was earnest. A soft Oh could be heard and slowly the bright light disappeared, leaving what Nom could only describe as an angel.

He had beautiful feathers, they were sleek but still fluffy that were folded to covered his body. Some of them protruded from the main structure of the wings, and others had fallen to his feet. The wings encircled his body, and a halo of light rested lightly above his long, light brown hair.

With a flurry of feathers, the angel unfurled his wings to reveal his full body. The hair was pulled into a loose braid that ended just past his shoulders. His skin was smooth, so perfect that Nom was nearly convinced what she was seeing was an actual angel. He was clad in a loose white button-up shirt, with the last two buttons not done up, and fitted black jeans. He wore white running shoes of a brand that Nom didn’t recognize, and a silver bracelet.

“Jeonghan?” Nom said hesitantly.

‘Jeonghan’ smiled at her, “So you know my name, I’m glad.” His smile seemed to literally glow.

Gathering her thoughts and courage, Nom began to ask her questions, “Are you really him? There’s no way, right? Hannie speaks Korean, he lives in Korea, in fact, if you are him you should be in Korea now.”

“Well…I suppose I am him? But not at the same time, it can be complicated. Simply put, think of me as like an astral projection of your Jeonghan, though you aren’t physically meeting, this plane and circumstance has allowed our minds to connect. Should you ever meet for real, both of you would remember this meeting and each other,” the angel Jeonghan replied.

Nom cocked her head to the side, “Circumstance? Oh…Oh yeah! Wasn’t I like, hit by a bike? Am I unconscious? Aren’t you just a figment of my imagination?” Though, if he was, Nom gave her imagination a large pat on the back, because Angel Jeonghan was masterfully thought up.

A bittersweet expression crossed Jeonghan’s face, “I’m sure you’re wondering about the wings.”

“I am.”

“Well…like I said, this plane that is invisible to normal humans is what is allowing us to meet. The wings and halo are uh…part of the job I suppose,” Jeonghan started. “Do you believe in guardian angels, Nom?”

Nom thought, “I suppose they’d be nice, but I don’t really pray to my guardian angel or anything like that."

“Well, I’m your guardian angel!” Jeonghan exclaimed. He seemed very excited, and his wings flapped, emulating his emotions. A few feathers around his feet flew up from the sudden wind.

Nom could only stare, gaping. A small laugh escaped her, though she quickly apologized.

“I suppose that’s hard to believe, after all, there are many other instances in which I could have saved you,” Jeonghan reached out to ruffle her hair. “The truth is, certain qualifications have to be met, if everyone was being saved by their guardian angel, the world would be thrown off balance, would it not?”

“Sorry, I’m still trying to wrap my head around that fact that Jeonghan is my guardian angel. I mean…I suppose him being an angel isn’t that far off but…my angel?” Nom felt truly blessed, and if this was her imagination, it was both the best and cruelest scenario it could think up.

“I really am! And you…you far exceed the qualifications needed. I’m actually the guardian angel for many people, I represent…well aside from all the major religious stuff, generally caring about others, and being a good person,” Jeonghan finished. Nom could believe that. Jeonghan was certainly caring, and he loved his members a lot. He enjoyed helping them and listening to their problems.

“So I had to be…a good mom?” Nom asked.

Jeonghan laughed, maybe it was the whole angelic thing, but it truly sounded like a bell. “You could call it that. Nom you are more than kind. You care so much for your friends, and take the time to talk to them.”

“Wait you can see the stuff I do!?” Nom’s voice was anxious.

Jeonghan grinned, “Only the stuff relevant to the whole angel thing.” Nom let out a sigh of relief. “You’re sweet, and are so nice to your friends, and try to stay mature when needed. And speaking from Jeonghan the Kpop Star, you’re a wonderful fan! You appreciate the members, and respect other fans. Truly, it’s your acts of kindness and being so sweet that allowed me to help you!”

“Oh! So you brought me to this plane because…I wouldn’t be hurt by the bike?”

“Exactly!” Jeonghan reached out to pat her on the head. “Would you like a hug? I’m very good at hugging people.”

Nom nodded, and leaned into the angel. It was warm, and a loose feather tickled her nose. Jeonghan hummed happily. “I think our time is up. I’ll do my best to watch over you, as your angel.”

@maetaamong: oghetjdfkv kiki i actually love you so much there aren't any words. gahh you picked me up at swim and was the one that allowed me to meet everyone here, and for that i am so grateful. you're so fun to be around and you cARE so much and i love you for that. thank you for putting up with my idiocy, and thank you for teaching me all~~ about kpop. i'll work hard!! i believe in your situations and i really love you sososo much !!! FIGHTING!!!

Urs are the only universe in which you personally know the idol bc u are a spoiled brat love u also somehow u can understand each other??? You probably learned Korean or smt. U like…can choose if ya in a relationship or just friends idc man there’s no kissy kissy so . also u are older

Loud

“Kiki! Look! Look at this one!” The tall boy happily bounced towards the blonde, with a book in hand. The cover was two shades of blue, and obnoxious text that looked like it was an early 2007 meme. The title was Does God Ever Speak Through Cats? and Minhyuk seemed very excited about this question.

“I know it sounds stupid, but! He brings up some really good points? Don’t you think Bay acts strangely sometimes? It has to be the work of God!” he declared, which earned a few nasty stares from other patrons.

Kiki sighed and apologized to the startled customers, “Min, you do realize we are at a public library, and you’re being very loud?”

Minhyuk’s face fell, and he pouted innocently, “Sorry…should we go somewhere else?” His voice sounded remorseful, and even though he was taller than Kiki, she resisted the urge to pat him on the head. She could practically see the dog ears flapping over in guilt.

“It’s fine, you just have to be quiet. I just want to find a good book,” Kiki said softly.

“Okay, sorry, I know how much you like to read. Whatever you buy, I’ll pay,” he offered.

Kiki turned to him, with an incredulous look on her face, “Min, this is the public library. I have a library card, there’s no need for you to pay.”

Minhyuk, slightly annoyed by this fact, just mumbled in response and went back to browse the shelves for another strange book. He wasn’t a huge fan of reading, finding that he definitely didn’t have enough patience for it, and that reading words off a page simply weren’t exciting enough for him

Though, the boy’s moodiness disappeared almost completely when he wordlessly handed Kiki another book. Teach Your Wife to be a Widow was a rather old looking book.

Kiki couldn’t hold back her laughter, “Is…is this supposed to be romantic or threatening? Calling me your wife…that’s sweet but this certainly isn’t how I thought it would go.”

Minhyuk giggled in response, “It’s both!” Another “shhh” was directed at him, to which he hastily apologized and trailed after Kiki, who disappeared into the ‘Fantasy’ section. She skimmed through the books, thumbing the spines of the ones that interested her from purely the title and art.

She had read a few of them, some didn’t catch her interest, while others had storylines far too similar to books already done. A book caught her eye. It had a bright blue cover, with the words Shatter Me written in blue and white font. Kiki pulled it out of the shelf. The cover had an eye on it. That was a good sign. Books with eyes on them usually had some cool theme going on. A quick skim of the summery told her that it was indeed a dystopian novel – her favourite genre – and that people had powers.

“What’s that? You gonna get it?” Minhyuk appeared out of nowhere. Kiki decided not to mention that even without him literally shouting out a stupid statement, his voice was still loud.

“Might,” she replied. Minhyuk sighed loudly, and finally one of the workers came up to him and asked him politely to “shut up or get out.” Minhyuk placed a hand over his mouth and actually kept this there as Kiki signed out the book. The pair could’ve sworn that people breathed a sigh of relief as they left the library.

As soon as they stepped out Minhyuk’s loud voice returned, “When we get to your room, I can be as loud as I want, right?”

“Of course,” Kiki laughed. Her apartment was a few blocks away from the library, both of which were on a beautiful promenade. They arrived at her apartment, which was a simple red brick building with white highlights around the windows, and a black roof. They climbed up three flights of stairs and walked to her room.

Kiki set down her keys and took off her shoes. “Want anything to drink?”

Minhyuk didn’t skip a beat, “Green tea please. I’ll put on the water.” He filled up the kettle with water and waited for it to heat up. Kiki decided to drink some too, and took out a tea pot.

“Are we really gonna read? On my precious day off?” Minhyuk whined. Kiki wanted to say that it was him just poking fun at her, but she knew very well that he wasn’t too excited.

“Only a bit, then we can do something more interesting. Maybe you’ll like the story.”

“Unlikely.”

“Aww c’mon it won’t be that bad. Just the first few pages. Really, thank you for spending your ‘precious day off’ with me– geez that expression, you’re so cute. I promise reading isn’t the only thing we’ll do.”

Minhyuk couldn’t hold back a smile, “Thanks for letting me spend it with you. You’re nice, and fun, and caring. But I wish you would stop calling me cute. I’m not cute!”

Kiki stared at his flustered face, “I beg to differ.” The kettle began to whistle and they each poured themselves a cup of tea.

They spent the first twenty pages just sitting next to each other on Kiki’s bed. “You’re going too fast,” Minhyuk would say. Kiki would wait after finishing a page for Minhyuk to nod. After a while Minhyuk started to complain about how the position hurt his neck, and his posture was bad.

“Well, how should we sit?” Kiki asked. Minhyuk had a devilish grin on his face, and grabbed Kiki by her waist. She shrieked from the sudden contact, and Minhyuk pulled her into him. He bended his legs and Kiki was now sitting in front of him, between his legs. Minhyuk’s back was warm, and his arms were unconsciously-consciously wrapped around the girl.

“Won’t this hurt your neck more?”

“I’m taller than you so it’s fine.” Kiki decided to let him do what he wanted.

Another few minutes passed before Minhyuk spoke up again, “This girl is stupid.”

“Annoying,” Kiki agreed. “And this guy they’ve brought in…he’s just supposed to be the guard. I mean it’s kind of cute?”

“He’s too moody, too stiff,” Minhyuk said into Kiki’s ear. “He should be more like me."

“Well they are in a prison,” Kiki pointed out. Minhyuk only clicked his tongue in response. Bored, he reached over to turn on her fairy lights.

Another thirty pages passed, and the love triangle of the story finally started to show up. Though the second contestant seemed a lot less desirable. “You know…” Minhyuk said for the first time in a while. “Even though we’re reading, it’s kind of fun I guess.”

“See, I knew you’d like it!"

“No, it’s not the book. The book kinda sucks.” Kiki’s face slightly fell, but she had to agree. “Your presence is nice. It’s calming. We could be doing anything and I think I’d still like it,” Minhyuk mumbled. Kiki noticed his cheeks flushing and his head was turned away.

Minhyuk finally met Kiki’s eye, “Cuz it’s you.”

Cuddle

Kiki was lonely. Cuddle-horny as she called it. Desperate for some attention, she relayed this feeling to her group chat, though they responded predictably.

GO AWAY KIEr

YOU'VE HAD MORE BOYFRIENDS THAN I WILL IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

awww kiki if I could id comfort youuuuu

S I N G L E C L U B

Sighing, her hand hovered over another contact, but Kiki quickly dismissed the idea. Hoon would be busy with his work. She couldn’t trouble him just because she wanted a good hug. Letting out a long sigh, Kiki threw herself against her bed.

Ten minutes went by, to the girl, ten long minutes of no human comfort. Damn French Guy. Her phone buzzed, a part of her thought it was the group chat, lamenting over their forever-single state but the name ‘Hoon’ was on the notification.

Want to come over? Got the afternoon off bc yoon got sick and now we can’t focus on learning the new song.

Kiki didn’t waste a second replying, throwing on a jacket, and booting it to Hoon’s house. She arrived soon enough and was greeted by an enthusiastic Haute. Kiki gladly gave him all the belly rubs, and Hoon soon appeared. He wore a loose white shirt with a random logo on it, and black sweatpants.

“Glad you could make it,” he walked closer to pick up Haute.

“Me too,” Kiki mumbled under her breath. “Got…any plans?”

Hoon scratched the back of his neck, “Ah not really. I was just thinking we could hang out, catch up. I’ve been busy, we haven’t seen each other in a while.”

Kiki grinned, “That’s perfectly fine.” She could use the conversation, the human contact. “Can we just sit on the couch or something?”

Hoon grabbed some drinks and Kiki sat on the couch, putting the TV to a random channel that they wouldn’t watch anyways. Hoon sat next to her.

“Is Yoon okay? What happened?�� Kiki asked.

Hoon took a sip of his drink before answering. “He got laryngitis. We tried to go over the music, but he really wasn’t feeling well so he went home for the rest of the day. We got let off too because none of us could focus.”

“Is he resting here?”

“Nope, I meant home, home. He’s with his parents. They got pretty worried and asked if he could come home for a bit. I think they also didn’t want me to catch it too,” Hoon replied.

Kiki nodded, “That makes sense. It would be super unfortunate if you both got it.”

The two found themselves inching closer until Kiki was leaning into Hoon’s broad chest, and Hoon had nearly all of his limbs wrapped around her. Kiki found that they were breathing in sync and even though no words were said, it was still so engaging.

They conversed through contact, and a few hums here and there. Hoon was warm, and his hold on Kiki was tight. Kiki buried her face into the crook of his neck, feeling as if she could fall asleep. Haute came to join them, wedging into a space between their stomachs.

Cuddling with Hoon really felt nice, his limbs, while lanky, were perfect for wrapping around Kiki. He was considerate if something felt uncomfortable, and every so often they’d whisper about something, and he’d laugh. His laugh lit up his entire face, and his smile was permanently stuck. It was a quiet laugh, but somehow his entire body would jerk with every little sound.

Hoon felt the same way, because Kiki became really happy when they cuddled. She’d snuggle close and trace little patterns on the nearest available surface. In all of her beauty she seemed so at peace, and so graceful just in his arms like this.

“Thank you.”

@red-dyed-sarumane: A K IR E SENPAI! im sorry if this is sudden, but! i couldn't leave you out, and i definitely didn't live vicariously through your story and that ISNT the reason why it's the longest nope haahhaahhhaha. really, thank you for putting up with me and my rants or whatever, and letting me talk to you a ton! i'm glad i was also able to meet so many new utaites. ageyuki hell here i comeeee. you're so kind and explain lots of things in detail which i appreciate. i hope we're able to talk even more in the new year! thank you so much.

If u don't understand some of the jap (tho u are vv smort so I bet u will) or if I made mistakes (bc I definitely did fuCK particles man) pls tell me. Also I used ur mom sorrrryyyyy. AGAIN I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS JUST RELISH IN THE FACT THAT U SAW MAFFU

Concert

It was agreed upon the international Utaite fans that they suffered. Just barely grasping onto the blessed, but few, translators of their twitters, videos, and songs. Paying more for shipping than the actual product, and looking desperately into screens, unable to see their true face. Concerts were a dream, because going to Japan at the right time, and even buying a ticket would be difficult. Few people had the money, time, or permission to do it. Livestreams were almost never when they were awake, and even if they were, it’s not like there were subs to explain anything.

The salvation were the compilations the singers did of their concerts, with blurred out faces and some clips of them singing on stage as the audience held out their light sticks. Many tried to learn at least a little bit of Japanese, but they talked quite fast, and a few (*coughs* mafu) didn’t annunciate properly.

They were fighters really, being a fan for a long time, willing to burn holes through their pocket just to get an album, and loving the Utaites, even if they didn’t understand most of what was going on.

“You don’t know what they’re saying!”

“You’ve never seen their face!”

The fans heard those kinds of phrases far too often. It irked them, because music was so much more than the words, and pretty faces didn’t mean you couldn’t appreciate their abilities.

Akire was one such fan. She was smart, and worked hard to understand even a little bit of what the Utaite’s were saying. And, if there was anything worse than being a fan of an Utaite, it was being a fan of multiple Utaite. It was album after album being released, and live and live happening, and all the international fans could do was watch and wish.

It was one fateful day, when her mother, and told Akire the news.

“Well, it’s been a while since we’ve traveled, and I’ve been wanting to see the cherry blossoms in bloom for a while now!” she said through the phone. “So, we’re going to Japan! You like those Jpop guys, right?” Akire resisted the urge to correct her. “If there’s any concerts that are cheap, why not try to get tickets?”

Akire thought her heart would stop right there. They were going to Japan. She’d be surrounded by the culture of which so many things she treasured came from. Her mom would let her go to a concert. SHE COULD GO TO A CONCERT. Akire hastily opened Twitter and checked for any news of a concert over the spring break.

Yukimi and @gain were still relatively new and low key, so there was no word of a concert from them. Sou was working on an album, though no lives were being planned during the time. XYZ was having concerts, but they were just after Akire would be in Japan.

Akire would feel so unfulfilled if she didn’t go to a single Utaite concert when she had the opportunity. She scrolled mindlessly through Twitter, hoping that maybe someone would be hosting something she could attend.

A notification popped up. Akire clicked on it, half expecting the stupid ‘in case you missed it’ thing that Twitter did. It was from Mafumafu, and Akire didn’t even have to open the tweet fully to see the mass of exclamation marks.

It only took a quick skim to realize that Mafumafu was hosting a live. Akire quickly opened up the picture to check the dates. The 2nd of March, and the 7th, 12th, and 15th.

Fumbling to open her phone, Akire quickly texted her mother, When do we get to Japan?

Six painful minutes went by before her phone buzzed. She checked it the instant the screen lit up. Night of the 12th.

Akire checked the information again, she could make the last show! Crap, when did the tickets go on sale. She combed through the characters of Mafu’s tweet, trying to pick out the relevant ones, though there were still some she didn’t know. A quick Google Translate confirmed that tickets indeed went on sale at 8 o’clock a.m. Japan time. Which was, with the help of Google once again, in twelve minutes.

Practically throwing her laptop across her room, Akire went to fetch her wallet which was left in a coat pocket. She sent a text explaining the tickets to her mom, and hopped she could read through the typos.

Dashing back upstairs, Akire clicked on the link provided. It took her to a website in complete Japanese. Akire just barely navigated through it, and occasionally had to look up various details, because business kanji was definitely not her forte. She was old enough to go alone (and she hopped her parents agreed with her because she was going to this live) and the tickets were at a mere 4500¥, which was around $40 US.

Praying to the Wifi Gods, Akire paid as fast as she could, she didn't even have time to check where the seats were, other information could be researched later. All that mattered was getting the tickets before they sold out or something.

And then Akire breathed, because she was going to see Mafumafu live.

~~~

In the previous month Akire had practiced Japanese much more intensely. Though the show would likely consist of mostly music, he would still MC a lot, and she wanted to understand as much as possible.

The venue wasn’t the biggest (it seemed they saved big venues for AtR concerts) but it still held around 2,000 seats and from what Akire could see, it was full. Her seat was relatively close to the stage, maybe six or so rows back.

Akire was excited; seeing Mafumafu live, she would see his face! The entire experience seemed surreal, and her appearance stood out a lot compared to the other fans. But her appearance didn’t matter when the lights went down and vibrant music started to play. Akire knew this song like the back of her hand, of course he’d sing すーぱーぬこになりたいfirst.

Some of the people had actually memorized his little spiel at the beginning, and said it to speed, which Akire found very impressive. Some artists sounded strange live, because their voice in a microphone was different compared to a studio, with mixing done. Though Mafumafu certainly couldn’t replicate any of the heavily engineered parts of his songs, somehow his voice sounded better live. It was clear, and there was raw emotion within his voice. The high notes were so much more intense, and just seeing the music come out of his mouth was amazing.

He wore white cat ears, but simple black jeans and a loose sweater. After the song ended, Mafu quickly introduced himself, “はあいまふまふですー！じゃみんなさん！楽しみにして？” The crowd cheered in response. “みんなさんも歌ってよ！僕が嬉しいになって！”

ドラマツルギー began to play, and Mafu said something a little too fast for Akire to pick up. She got the feeling it was something about “wanting to sing this song, but never recorded it.”

The night felt like a blur, the light sticks that bounced in front of her, with the stage lights going crazy especially during 罰ゲーム and ゴーストルール. The show was only two hours, but it felt like a long, blissful eternity. The music that always remained through the screen, orin her ears was finally live. It was finally there.

Akire could see his face, his full face. Even with all the live-action videos, or the strange DVD’s he released, seeing him like this felt it was the definite proof that Mafumafu wasn’t just some singer on the internet. He was real, and he was talented. His voice shook the theatre, even when covering the softer songs on an acoustic guitar, like いかないで or 水彩銀河のクロニクル somehow his voice just enveloped the theatre.

It felt like a dream. Mafu bounced around the stage, and answered a few questions from Twitter. Akire could make out most of the details.

“What inspired you to start singing?”

“At the time, there were just so many talented people online. They were singing and people really liked them. Soraru-san and many others were uploading at the time, and I enjoyed music. I guess I wanted to be a part of that.”

“What time do you wake up in the morning?”

“Well it depends, sometimes it's a good time like 8:00, but sometimes it’s super early like 6:00 – I THINK 6:00 IS EARLY, YOU GUYS ARE WEIRD – or sometimes it’s late like 12:00.”

“Where do you live?”

“Within my dreams.”

“What do you think about love?”

“This question is kind of deep…don’t you think? I mean, there’s familial love, and I love my family a lot. To think they’d support me having this kind of job, it’s really amazing. And I love my friends, Amatsuki-kun, and Soraru-san, and Luz-kun, Urata-san, and Sakatan too. They’re precious. Of course, I love you guys as well! There would be no Mafumafu without you guys. Thank you so much for being here, for liking my voice and music enough to see me live! Please continue to support me!”

A staff member off to the side laughed, and encouraged the audience to ask about romantic love. Akire joined in the chant of “恋！教えて！恋！” in which Mafu only replied with a finger over his lips and cuing the next song.

Mafumafu ran through a few more songs before announcing the next one would be the final one. The music to ねこがまるくなったcame on, and it was undoubtedly the most energetic performance of the night. Mafumafu starting and ending with a cat song, how classic. Akire sang along, knowing every word, maybe not hitting every note perfectly but still doing her best.

The confetti at the end showered the audience, and Akire found that she was smack in the center of its trajectory. Accepting that she’d be pulling pieces of paper out of her hair later on, she cheered as Mafumafu thanked everyone for coming, and exited the stage. Akire thought she was dreaming, that this was something her mind had made up because she so desperately wanted to see this singer in real life. Though, the free pin that she was given on the way out, signed by Mafumafu himself, seemed to solidify the experience.

She had seen Mafumafu live.

alllright~~ this motherload of a post is FINALLY done i should've worked on school projects during this time but fuck that who carES (i care)

honestly, thank you guys so much! i cant believe that I was able to meet all of you, it's really been a ride. i hope you found the story/stories amusing!! i'm sorry for any typos, incorrect facts or anything seemingly out of character(?? u guys arent characters) but hopefully no hard feeling are taken.

I hope next year will be even better!

with love,

P.S. honestly fuck you guys i cant believe i actually wrote all of this

#thank you #love you #kpop #seventeen #jeonghan #seunghoon #winner #monsta x #minhyuk #day6 #jae #youngk #utaite #mafumafu #my writing #im so sorry #really thank you so much #mutuals #love post

16 notes · View notes

filthytabloid · 4 years

Text

TG: i really

TG: dont want to be alone?

TG: i dont have any friends karkat

CG: DAVE.

CG: I AM YOUR FRIEND.

TG: hes all i have

CG: THAT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY A TRUE THING.

TG: it is

CG: I MEAN I MIGHT NOT COUNT BECAUSE I’M MORTAL.

CG: SO IF YOU’RE GOING SUPER CATASTROPHIZING BIG PICTURE THEN YEAH I’M NOT GONNA BE AROUND FOREVER.

CG: BUT ROSE AND JADE EXIST, DUDE.

CG: THEY ARE ALSO FUNCTIONALLY IMMORTAL.

TG: they dont talk to me any more

TG: ive invited them over a few times

TG: john gets like

TG: jealous

CG: JOHN GETS JEALOUS.

CG: OF YOU TALKING TO ROSE AND JADE.

TG: he

TG: kind of has meltdowns whenever i pay attention to anyone thats not him

TG: but he cant help it

TG: i mean i can understand being insecure im trying to be sympathetic

CG: WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE MELTDOWNS?

TG: he just gets really cold and angry at me

TG: doesnt talk to me

TG: id prefer he talk to me

TG: so i dont talk to anyone else so hell keep talking to me

CG: DOES HE HAVE OTHER FRIENDS? PEOPLE HE TALKS TO OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP?

TG: yeah

TG: mostly other versions of me

TG: which feels great by the way i love it when he does that

TG: i guess im a jealous asshole too

CG: OK, LISTEN.

CG: IF I SAY SOMETHING WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO FLIP OUT.

TG: can i remain perched on the handle even if i dont pirouette

CG: YEAH, THAT WORKS.

CG: ALRIGHT HERE’S THE THING.

CG: TAKE A DEEP BREATH:

CG: JOHN HAS ISSUES.

TG: no fuckin duh

TG: dont we all

CG: UH, NO.

CG: NOT THE KIND OF ISSUES YOU ARE DESCRIBING, NO.

TG: obviously we cant all have the same issues

TG: but we all do have issues

CG: GETTING COLD AND ANGRY DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A MELTDOWN AT ALL IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT IS VERY EASILY CONTROLLED.

TG: ok maybe i am the one having meltdowns

CG: WHEN HE’S UPSET BECAUSE YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE DOES HE ACT COLD AND ANGRY TOWARD EVERYONE HE TALKS TO?

CG: OR JUST YOU?

TG: just me

CG: OKAY, SEE, THEN IT’S SOMETHING HE CAN HELP.

CG: IF IT WAS TOTALLY OUT OF HIS CONTROL THEN IT WOULDN’T BE DIRECTED AT A SPECIFIC PERSON.

TG: what if its out of his control because its our relationship though

TG: its kinda different from everything else isnt it??

TG: so

CG: I KIND OF FEEL LIKE YOU’RE REACHING.

CG: THERE ARE WAYS FOR HIM TO LET YOU KNOW HE’S UPSET WITHOUT BEING A FROTHING DOUCHENOZZLE.

CG: SEE: TALKING ABOUT THINGS.

CG: I MEAN EVEN IF HE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT IT I’D STILL SAY HE HAS ISSUES BECAUSE BEING THAT FANATICALLY JEALOUS IS KIND OF. UH.

CG: BUT AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE!

TG: we do kind of talk about it

TG: and like when we talk about it we seem to reach amicable agreements about what needs to be better

CG: SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS AGREE NEEDS TO BE BETTER?

TG: uh

TG: great this is gonna sound shit

TG: that i just need to remember he loves me and that as long as hes here im not alone

CG: …

TG: a lot of agreements about mental actions i need to be taking but not really any other actionable items

CG: OK I NEED TO SAY ANOTHER THING THAT MIGHT FREAK YOU OUT.

TG: im kneading my temples

TG: what

CG: REST ASSURED I’M ALSO KNEADING MY TEMPLES.

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE HE’S ABUSING YOU.

TG: oh fgudjfg

TG: no

TG: no he isnt

CG: DAVE

CG: BREATHE

CG: OK?

TG: no

CG: I COULD BE WRONG, I AM JUST GIVING YOU THE IMPRESSION I HAVE RIGHT NOW.

TG: thats not even remotely whats happening here you cant say that

TG: yeah

CG: OKAY.

TG: you dont know what were like

TG: he leaves me really sweet notes

TG: he buys me flowers

TG: he tells me nice things

CG: I AM STILL ABSOLUTELY NOT CONTESTING THAT YOU GUYS LOVE EACH OTHER.

CG: OKAY?

TG: ok

CG: I’M JUST SAYING THAT A LOT OF THIS IS REALLY WORRYING.

CG: AND I GET THAT IT’S HARD TO SEE THAT IT’S WORRYING OR WHY IT’S WORRYING SINCE YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT RIGHT NOW.

CG: SO I’M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I’M SEEING. AND YOU’RE RIGHT THAT I AM NOT IN THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP, SO MY IMPRESSION OF IT *MIGHT* BE SKEWED.

CG: PLEASE DON’T SHUT DOWN ON ME.

TG: ok i

TG: i wont

TG: im still present

TG: what if this is the best i deserve though

CG: IT’S NOT.

TG: it is

TG: i should be happy i even get this

TG: i should be happy to be alive

CG: THAT’S RATIONALIZING.

TG: i think im really just ungrateful

CG: I AM PRETTY SURE THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM.

TG: look maybe i do deserve this in all honesty maybe taking care of john even as he trains for the self-destruction olympics is how i can prove my worth to this world

TG: whos going to do it if not me??

TG: its not abusive if i can choose to leave at any time

CG: DRAGS MY HANDS DOWN MY FACE

CG: THAT’S ALSO NOT EVEN A TRUE THING

CG: AND BESIDES IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU CAN’T CHOOSE TO LEAVE!

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE CUT OFF FROM ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS!

CG: AND COMMUNICATION WITH ANYONE WHO ISN’T HIM!

CG: YOU’RE COMPLETELY DEPENDENT ON HIM FOR COMFORT AND SAFETY AND SANITY SO OF COURSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CONSIDER LEAVING AN OPTION.

TG: ok um fuck

TG: lets not zoom out so much

CG: ZOOM OUT.

TG: theres nothing i can do about

TG: well

TG: i just

TG: i want to make this work can we please just focus on how i can make this livable

CG: YOU NEED TO TELL JOHN THAT YOU’RE UNHAPPY AND WHY YOU’RE UNHAPPY.

CG: AND IF YOU FEEL UNSAFE DOING THAT THEN YOU NEED TO DO IT WITH A MEDIATOR THERE.

CG: AND YOU NEED TO FIND OUT IF HE’S WILLING TO LET GO OF HIS HANGUPS AND CHANGE OR NOT.

TG: i cant

TG: you just have to give me some jedi mindtricks to play on myself so im not as affected when things dont go my way ok

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE ALL THE RELATIONSHIP TALKS YOU’VE BEEN HAVING HAVE BEEN ABOUT *HIS* ISSUES WITH *YOU*

CG: AND IT’S WELL AND GOOD THAT HE FEELS COMFORTABLE EXPLAINING THE THINGS THAT MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE

CG: BUT THAT HAS TO BE A TWO WAY STREET.

CG: BOTH PARTIES NEED TO BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE.

TG: i cant

TG: i cant do that

CG: OH MY GOD.

CG: LET ME GIVE THIS TO YOU STRAIGHT.

CG: THIS DYNAMIC CANNOT CONTINUE AS IT IS.

CG: THE RELATIONSHIP EITHER NEEDS TO END OR JOHN NEEDS TO BE WILLING TO FIX HIS END OF THINGS.

TG: karkat i cant tell him that i am unhappy

CG: DAVE.

TG: i have in the past

CG: THERE IS NO COMBINATION OF WORDS YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF THAT’S GOING TO RATIONALIZE ALL OF THIS SO HARD THAT IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

CG: YOU CAN KEEP LYING TO YOURSELF AND IT’S GOING TO KEEP MAKING YOU FEEL FUCKING MISERABLE.

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO WONDER WHAT YOU’RE DOING WRONG WHEN YOU’RE PUTTING SO MUCH INTO THE RELATIONSHIP AND YOU STILL FEEL SO SHITTY ABOUT IT.

CG: AND HIS BEHAVIOR IS STILL GOING TO HURT YOU BECAUSE HE’S NOT TREATING YOU FAIRLY.

CG: AND THE ONLY WAY YOU’RE GOING TO RATIONALIZE HIS BEHAVIOR IS IF YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT YOU DESERVE IT.

CG: AND THAT’S GOING TO MAKE YOU CONTINUE FEELING LIKE A GARBAGE DUMP.

CG: SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE. YOU’VE CLEARLY TRIED RATIONALIZING ALREADY AND IT’S NOT WORKING OUT.

TG: karkat i cant talk to him about it and i need you to not make what im about to say a big deal because its not

TG: i have tried to talk to him about it before and he socked me in the face and

TG: told me i was

TG: i guess it doesnt matter

TG: but as long as i dont bring it up he wont hit me i need a solution that doesnt involve talking about how unhappy i am

CG: YOU NEED TO GET OUT.

TG: no

CG: NO DAVE I’M DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.

TG: hes the only thing in this shitty world that makes me happy

CG: COME STAY WITH ME FOR A BIT.

TG: i cant

TG: he might need me

CG: OF COURSE YOU CAN. I HAVE SPACE.

TG: no karkat please listen to me

TG: i cant leave because hes the only person in the whole world that makes me feel okay

CG: DAVE

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE FOREVER.

TG: i dont want him to hate me hes my boyfriend

CG: OR CUT OFF ALL CONTACT.

CG: JUST COME STAY WITH ME FOR A WEEK OR TWO.

CG: GET SOME SPACE TO BREATHE FOR A BIT.

TG: i dont want to be a burden on you

CG: YOU WON’T BE.

TG: how on earth could i not be

CG: YOU’RE GOOD COMPANY AND SLIGHTLY LOWER MAINTENANCE THAN A CAT.

TG: i dont know how to tell john id be staying with you

TG: he might break up with me if i do

CG: I CAN TELL HIM IF YOU WANT.

TG: …

TG: ok

CG: OKAY.

CG: I’LL GET THE COUCH PULLED OUT SO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP.

TG: fuck

TG: karkat i cant hes really mentally ill

TG: i have to be there for him

CG: YOU WILL HAVE YOUR PHONE.

CG: IF THERE’S AN EMERGENCY HE’LL BE ABLE TO CONTACT YOU.

CG: AND IF YOU NEED TO GO HOME I WILL COME WITH YOU.

CG: I’M INSERTING MYSELF AS THE MEDIATOR. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

TG: no no no oh god that is literally the exact definition of a burden

TG: i dont want to be that

CG: LITERALLY NOT BURDENING ME.

TG: im sorry for bothering you i gotta go ttyl

CG: IF IT WAS A PROBLEM I WOULDN’T DO IT.

CG: DAVE

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE GET BACK HERE

CG: WHAT YOU’RE FAILING TO REMEMBER IS HOW MUCH I LOVE MEDDLING IN PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS GOD DAMMIT YOU ASSHOLE YOU DIDN’T BOTHER ME AT ALL I SWEAR TO GOD

TG: you promise

TG: that this isnt some massive inconvenience to you and you dont hate me

CG: I SWEAR ON TROLL WILL SMITH.

CG: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THIS ABOUT ME OR NOT, BUT I’M PRETTY FORWARD ABOUT HATING PEOPLE.

TG: hate me in a platonic despising way not a you wanna bang me way

CG: I DON’T HATE YOU IN EITHER A PLATONIC OR A ROMANTIC WAY.

CG: YOU WOULD KNOW IF I DID.

TG: ok

0 notes

lovvercore · 7 years

Note

1-65 >:3C

uh oh… time to do this thing

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

sometimes, but usually its me feeling like im not real

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

4, maybe 4.5

3. The person you would never want to meet?

s*ca

4. What is your favorite word?

hmmmm moonstruck

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

aspen? ? ? ?

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i havent looked in a mirror all day

7. What shirt are you wearing?

plain black

8. What do you label yourself as?

uh gay emo nerd

9. Bright room or dark room?

dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

sleeping maybe idk

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

hmmm probably rn, 14

12. Who told you they loved you last?

shrug….

13. Your worst enemy?

thinking emoji……… u know

14. What is your current desktop picture?

griffin cronching a banana

15. Do you like someone?

yea uwu

16. The last song you listened to?

for forever - dear evan hansen

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

[thinking emoji]

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

[thinking emoji]

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

i dont want a slave thanks!

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

uh uh uh eyes

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

i dont think so tbh,,, im kinda open with what im “talented” at

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

i dont know exactly what this question is asking but ill say uhhh talking to people and annoying them and them being tired of me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

H i dont eat sandwiches often enough to answer this

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

clothes

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

england

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

UH I DOnt drink bc im tiny but i guess mikes hard lemonade it sounds appealing

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

hhhh no straights unless i say theyre ok

29. What is your favorite expletive?

does thrussy count

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

fuck uh my phone would already be in my pocket so probs my backpack bc it has all of my super important stuff

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

oofa doofa most likely some stuff from an old discord chat lol

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

england.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

heres the problem with this: i dont really…. know of many dead people. so i cant. answer this well.

34. What was your last dream about?

idk i have a shit memory something about my online friends being at my school and shenanigans started

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

u never specified so rip i guess

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nope

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

i think i wore sushi socks, theyre grey with som sushi on them

39. What type of music do you like?

a lot

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises but im never awake for them :o

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

cookies n creammmm

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

none

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, quite a few

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

either an artist of some sort, a school counselor, orrrrr a teacher?? idk

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

skin type lol

46. Are you reliable?

id say so !

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

are u a single btich

48. Do you hold grudges?

for some people c:

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

horse and bird. i want a pegasus. please.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“ethan avery had such a glow up”

51. Are you a good liar?

thinking emoji

52. How long could you go without talking?

a long time……. id like to never talk again thanks

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

i had an a line in 1st grade idr what it looked like

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yeah. ask me about the 8 pound cake

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes. sometimes when im reading something or talking to myself while doing hw i go into a british accent im turning british

56. What do you like on your toast?

butter and raspberry jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

me new oc bayani :o

58. What would be you dream car?

uhhhhh i dont,,,, know

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

yeah i sing a lot,,,,, like a lot,,,

60. Do you believe in aliens?

how self centered does someone have to be to think that theyre on the only planet that has living things in an infinite universe…..

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

no but i read zodiac posts a lot

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

u ;) aksudhfkasdjfkjsdh

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons

64. What do you think about babies?

sometimes theyre cute but from my experience they are hell and i dont like them

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

u didnt specify sooooooooooooo lmk what this should b

#asks #himeki #hime tag

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humerusimagines · 7 years

Text

of grocery happenings and broken glass - sans x reader/self insert

HEY! Since it’s fanfic friday, can you do one with UT Sans and the “enemies to lovers” trope? it can just be a few scenes where the relationship changes. u dont have to ofc but idk i really like those kinds of stories :‘0c

Summary: You’re an enigma wrapped in a mystery, and he’ll do anything literally) to get you to solve yourself. (Or the obligatory fic wherein sans goes from wanting to dunk you to wanting to kiss you)

Notes: AAAAAAAA?????? AAAAAA. Mcfrickin. Love this trope. Bless u. blessed prompt. i had too much fun writing this help.

Writer: Mod Chrissu

The first time he meets you, it’s weird as hell to him.

Firstly, you are probably the best looking human he’s ever laid eyes on. Your hands are balled up and pushing into your hips, your head craned to look up with a sneer at somebody much taller than you.

When he sees who it is, the attraction that he felt immediately was replaced with intense anger.

His brother is holding a grocery basket, one that he knows isn’t his because it’s completely barren of any type of pasta or sauce. His grin is a little shaky, as if he’s apologetic, but also scared. There’s a few food items on the floor that are lying abandoned, so he assumes that the basket must have overturned in some way and Papyrus went to help you. So why did your expression hold so much fury?

He mosies on over, hands stuffed in his pockets. He’s gonna start out calm and cordial, and hopefully this human won’t give him a reason to dunk them into next Saturday. “hiya. what’s up?” He greets, keeping his tone relaxed and chipper, hoping that this goes well.

“SANS!” The way his brother says his name, almost in relief, makes his opinion of the human drop even further. “HELLO, BROTHER!”

You turn to face Sans, your face portraying annoyance. If it wasn’t for the fact that you looked like you had a problem with his bro, Sans might have considered using a sly pickup line. But no, you open your mouth and erase that possibility. “Oh, he’s with you?” You imply, pointing to the taller skeleton, who’s fidgeting nervously.

His grin turns a little steely. He doesn’t like to see Paps so scared. “yeah. s’there a problem with that?”

“Maybe. Anyways, listen here, dudebro.” Attention aimed at Papyrus again, mouth twisting into a scowl. “I got this. I don’t need somebody swooping in and saving me.” You rip the basket away from Papyrus and bend down to pick up the food on the floor, eyes widening when you see the damage done. “Damn it, the cans are dented!”

“listen buddy, i’m sure you’re just misunderstanding–” His patience is wearing very thin but an agitated sigh cuts him off.

“Look, buddy, I already had to walk all the way here because my piece of shit car broke down, I don’t need some random guy telling me off.” Your body language radiates don’t fuck with me today, and he doesn’t really understand why. “I’m sorry, but I’m not in the mood.” Food retrieved from the ground and in the basket, you straighten up and give both he and Papyrus a pointed glare. “Now if you’ll excuse me, which I don’t really care if you do or don’t, I have to replace these cans.”

Without letting him speak, you turn on a heel and stomp out of the aisle, leaving him in dumbfounded silence. What the hell was your problem?

—

The next time he sees you, it’s without you knowing.

It’s been a few days since what happened in the grocery store, and frankly he’d be fine with never seeing your face again. Somebody so filled with negativity and hatred for others for no reason…He doesn’t like people like that. He’s glad he’ll never see you again.

(Except he does.)

He hears a scream before he sees the blur of a person being tossed out onto the sidewalk a few houses down from where he’s standing. He almost runs over to help until another human shows up. They step out onto the steps angrily, if their rigid posture and antagonistic stance is any factor.

“Get the fuck out, you waste of space. Don’t even know why I bothered with you. You’re nothing but shit.” They spit out.

“Nonono, no please, I’ll be better, don’t do this please–” The voice is so full of fear and regret, and it’s so familiar. He knows that voice. It stirs a forgotten anger in his chest, and finally he registers that it’s you, the human from the grocery store.

Your clothes are ripped in places, there’s bruises all over your arms, the shirt you have on is riding up and showing off even more bruises on your back and sides. Your knees are scuffed from your fall, and you’re barely keeping your torso up off the ground. Your form is shaking, soft sobs emitting from your mouth. What a moment to be observing you. To avoid being seen, he ducks behind a nearby trashcan.

“You were lucky, you had me to love you! I’m probably the only person on this Earth left that actually gives a fuck about you! None of your friends or your family actually care, they’re faking it!” The human on the steps barks, and he notices a glint from their hand. They throw it in your direction, and the bottle shatters on the ground a few feet away from you, pieces scattering all over the pavement. “Get the hell out of here, you damn slut!”

The human on the steps goes back into the house and throws out a bag of clothes before slamming the door. Sans turns away from the scene, expression a mixture of shock and confusion. He has no idea what to think. Obviously, the dude that just kicked you out is an asshat, but did you deserve it? He’s not the kind of guy to wish pain or suffering on anybody else, so no, he supposes you don’t. He goes to pick himself up off the ground.

Except you pass by. You notice him there. It’s silent for one scarily long moment.

“How much of that did you see?” You inquire roughly, voice cracked from crying. A pang of pity ripples through his SOUL.

“…all of it.”

Your face is unreadable, you just grip the bag you have a little harder. It’s plastic, so your fingers sink into the material like clay. “…Fuck off.”

He looks up at you in surprise. “what?”

“I said fuck off.” You hiss, your glare piercing. “Want to know why I got kicked out? One of the cans I brought home from the store, that your idiot brother made me drop? It was dented. So fuck you, fuck your brother, fuck everything.” You grit your teeth and march off, pulling the bag over your shoulder.

He scrambles up and after you, though a tiny inner voice questions his motives. What is he gonna do? You obviously don’t want to see him, your little proclamation proved so, so why is he chasing you? He squashes down the thought, unsure if he wants to know why.

“look, kid, i’m sorry.” He skids in front of them, chest heaving with the extra effort he put into catching up with them. “i don’t understand your attitude, or why you act the way you do, but acting that way isn’t going to change anything.”

“You know nothing about me, why the hell are you trying to do here?” You snap, dropping your bag. Despite being bloody and scratched and obviously injured, you still stand as if you’re super girl about to face off with her greatest enemy yet.

“i have no idea. i don’t really know.” He almost whispers it, because he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, or why. “but i don’t want to be the reason you hate the world so much. at least let me help you find a place to stay for a bit.”

Your mouth twists, and a range of emotions flip through your face: confusion, anger, sorrow, and finally it stops on that flat mask you had on. “..Okay, fine.”

He breathes out a sigh of relief.

—

He finds you a hotel to stay in, and while he wouldn’t usually pay for a stranger’s stay, he does for you. Seeing the person you had to deal with, the way they treated you…Something told him that wasn’t the only time they treated you badly. That’s a scary situation to think about, so of course you would be bitter and angry. He pays for a week, hoping it’s enough time for you to figure out what you need to do or for you to get a job.

He escorts you to your room, and it’s quiet but it isn’t uncomfortable. You’ve been through a lot, he guesses, so talking about it right now would be a little much. Instead, as you both reach your room, he asks to come in for a moment.

Puzzled, you agree, and let him in. It’s a small room, with a dresser pushed against the wall adjacent to the doorway, a lamp in the corner, and a bed opposite the dresser. Another door is in the far corner, which Sans assumes is the bathroom. There’s a table beside the bed, and on it is a pad with paper and a pen.

He picks them both off and scrawls his name and number on it, ripping off the page and giving it to you. “the dude that kicked you out looks like another bad time waiting to happen, so if he shows up here, don’t be afraid to call me, ok?”

The hand that takes the paper is a little shaky. Your eyes skim over the words written, and the corner of your mouth quirks. “’Sans’? Like the font?”

He shrugs. “i get that a lot. anyways, i need to get back, paps is worried probably.” He points to the paper in your hand, shooting you a reassuring smile. “remember, dude’s a bad time. call me if he comes back. or call if you need help in general. seeya.”

With a blip, he’s gone, and you stare at the space (now replaced with air) he was just in. The most dumbfounded look creases your brow.

“…What the fuck did he just do?!”

—

Funnily enough, after the incident, he cannot stop thinking about you. He passes the place you used to live every day, and when he does he wonders if you’re okay. He’d check on you, but he did say that if you had a problem to call him. So he leaves the situation be, letting it be in your ballpark. If you need him there, you’ll call.

It’s been a long day, so he decides to go to Grillby’s for some ketchup and conversation. It’s been a while, and he hasn’t visited the surface expansion of Grillby’s very much, so he should fix that.

He teleports just outside the entrance and strolls in to a chorus of greeting from the regulars. Doggo, Greater Dog, and Lesser Dog are wrapped up in a game of poker, with Dogamy and Dogaressa watching on the side and holding each other. There’s a couple humans hanging around, along with a few monsters that didn’t usually frequent the establishment underground milling about. He waddles to the bar and hops into a bar stool, leaning on the counter and sighing, eyes shut.

“heya grillbz, what’s cookin’ good lookin’?”

A snort is his answer, but it sounds nothing like his favorite fire elemental.

He opens up an eye to see you, clad in a button up dress shirt with black slacks, an apron tied around your neck and waist. You look nothing like you did that night, which relieves him so much. There’s a hit of yellow and purple on your hands from the bruises you sustained, he notices, as you clean out a glass with a towel. Your nose is scrunched up from the bad joke he made, a small smile lighting up your face and causing a soft hue of blue to blossom on his face.

“kid? that’s you?” He asks, opening his eyes fully, now very alert.

“’Kid’ is not my name, but yeah, it’s me.” You also throw in your name, since you’ve neglected to tell him. Wow, your demeanor has changed completely since the grocery store fiasco, and it’s such a breath of fresh air. It’s nice to see you smile, even if it is a smug smirk.

“well damn, you clean up nice. how ya been doin’? i’m assumin’ the guy hasn’t been bothering you?” At the mention of him you tense, which leads him to backpedal, “wait, shit, sorry–”

“It’s fine! It’s fine.” You cut him off, the smirk having been wiped off your face and replaced with a small frown. “They uh, haven’t been bothering me. Haven’t heard a word from them since what happened.”

He relaxes at this. “good, good.” He breathes, slumping against the counter again.

“…What can I get ya, Sans?” You ask, setting down the glass you were cleaning and propping your arm against the bar, quirking a brow at him. It’s sassy as hell and it isn’t helping that you’re gorgeous.

“your number.” He realizes what he said in the middle of saying it and slams his face into his palm as you laugh. “…i am so sorry. i’m used to crackin’ jokes like this with grillby.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine. What do you really want, though?”

Bless you and your nerves of steel. “uh, bottle of ketchup.”

An incredulous look crosses your face, but you grab one and slide it to him anyways. He twists off the cap and tips it back, almost spitting it out with laughter when you choke.

“Sans, the fuck?!” You stammer, and he wishes he could take a picture of your face because it’s so priceless. Maybe your nerves aren’t as solid as he thought.

—

If somebody told him six months ago that he’d fall head over heels in love with a human, and a human that initially hated his innocent soul of a brother no less, he’d laugh and call them crazy.

Thinking about it now, it’s not as crazy as it seemed.

Because with every laugh and smile he gets from you, his SOUL thuds a little more forcefully in his chest, his face a touch blue-r, and he finds himself trying so hard to get them out of you that he doesn’t notice how deep he’s getting into this.

He doesn’t notice until his brother does.

“goin’ to grillby’s, want me to bring you back somethin’ paps?” He asks, sticking his head into the kitchen. Papyrus isn’t as oblivious as everyone believes him to be, and he proves it now as he smiles knowingly at his older brother, which only causes said brother to raise a brow bone in silent question.

“BROTHER, YOU SEEM TO BE GOING TO GRILLBY’S A LOT IN THESE PAST FEW MONTHS.” Papyrus stops stirring the pot of noodles he’s attending to on the stove to look at his brother. He notices, but it’s not like Sans makes an effort to hide it. He can see it in the way that he smiles sometimes when he gets a text from you, or how excited he is when he knows he’s about to see you.

He know what Sans looks like when he’s obsessed about something, or worried, or determined. Papyrus thought he’d seen it all. You’ve brought out a different side of him that Papyrus loves to see, because he look so happy nowadays.

“yeah, so? i used to go everyday when we were underground.”

“SANS, DEAR BROTHER, NOTHING EVADES THE WATCHFUL EYE OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS!” He exclaims triumphantly, pulling out his best smile. “…I am happy for you, Sans. I hope you bring them by soon to introduce them to me, because I would like to thank the person who has given you so much joy.”

It’s a rarity when Papyrus speaks in a regular volume of voice, and it shocks Sans to his core. “whaddya mean, pap?”

Papyrus laughs, turning back to his pot. “OH BROTHER, DON’T TELL ME YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED!”

“im-pasta-ble, i notice everything.” Sans’ smile turns wicked as Papyrus screeches out a warning to him and then he blips out of the way of the taller’s wooden ladle being thrown at him.

—

It’s become a habit, for him to watch you as you work. The way you move around the tables at the restaurant, the polite smile you give to the customers and the drastically different smirk you send him when he tosses out a pun, the lingering touch between you two when you give him a ketchup bottle.

It kills him, in a way, because he knows what he’s feeling. He knows very well what this feeling is. His love life isn’t a very active one, but he does remember a few years back when he used to have a crush on Toriel, and this feels like that except new. It’s no longer a nice thought, but a fire that consumes his thoughts whenever he sees you. It’s not the heat of the blush on his face, it’s the ghostly imprint that your fingers leave on his. His SOUL doesn’t flutter, it beats purposefully. He knows what this is.

However, it’s not him that says or does anything about it.

As your shift comes to a close and he prepares to leave, you stop him. The place is almost empty, just a couple people wrapping up their meals or nursing their last drink. You look nervous, teeth gnawing on your bottom lip.

“what’s up?” He asks, and he almost jumps when you set a hand on ones of his, the one still on the counter top.

“Uh…There uh– There must be something wrong with my eyes, be-because uh–” You clear your throat, and he’s never seen your face go so red, wow. “Because I can’t take them off you?…”

He pauses for a moment before the statement processes through his head and his face goes full cerulean. “uuuuuuhh….”

“What…What I’m trying to say– Is it hot in here? Jeeze.” You tug at your collar, smiling sheepishly. “But uh. I was wondering if maybe you’d like to, I dunno, go see a movie? Or go somewhere for coffee? I’m sorry, I just really, really like you and I couldn’t be quiet about it anymore–”

You stop when you notice his expression. The poor skeleton’s face is completely blue, and his pupils have morphed into tiny hearts. He grabs your hand gently, and before he can chicken out he sputters out a reply.

“yes, hell yes. i’ll uh, i’ll text you later?”

It’s take a moment to sink in but when it does you smile so wide that it triggers his own. “Yeah! That’s cool! I’ll uh, be waiting? Yeah.”

Reluctantly he lets go of your hand and waves with his other, before disappearing and reappearing at the entrance of the inside of his home.

You asked him out. You asked him out. He’s so giddy, he struts farther into the house and laughs, and it’s such a happy sound. He’s never heard such a sound come out of his body.

“YOU SOUND PLEASED.” Papyrus notes from his spot on the couch in the living room, wherein he’s doing some sort of human exercise program. Sans just beams in reply, hopping up the stairs two at a time to get to his room. “WHAT’S HAPPENED?”

Papyrus knows. He just wants to hear Sans say it.

“bringing them over later this week. you’ll see.”

#fanfic #undertale #sans x reader #fanfic friday #self insert #language warning #because i LOVE me some confusing feelings #abuse tw #also this a lil longer than expected #fight me #also sans is a dork #and the self insert is a little hot headed and edgy but not for long #mod chrissy

2K notes · View notes

torinspeer-blog · 7 years

Text

GET TO KNOW ME

1. What’s your first name? Torin 2. What are you listening to right now?  The ambient noises of my property. OH! SHIT! Uhhh... punk rock Spotify playlist-punk pop's not dead 3. What was the last thing you ate? Tuna fish sandwich 4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?  "Attention: important seniors!" Medicare 5. Do you drink?  🤤🤤🤤 6. Do you smoke?  Only to give myself cancer!👍👏👏🙌💯 7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone?  I think it depends on the individual? I mean I'm an intuition dom and have ADHD so it's not like I notice🤷‍♀️ 8. What is your hair color?  Very dark brown 9. What is your eye color? Hazel 10. Do you wear contacts/glasses?  Reading glasses 11. Dogs or cats?  dogs no shit you ever seen a kitters run around like a little glob weeaboo? Uhuh I didn't think so hun! 12. What’s your favorite animal?  ANY ANIMAL THAT CUDDLES ME AND MAKES ME FEEL LESS ALONE!!!!! 13. What’s your favorite television show?  Parks and rec probably (seen the ending? On the emotional level it's more like parks and rekt am I fucking right guys? YEET!) 14. What’s your favorite movie?  Farris buellers day off what am I a hipster? 15. What’s your favorite band/singer?  GREENDAYGREENDAYGREENDAYGREENDAYENFP4W5PIXIEPRIDESON!!!! 16. How old are you?  19. I'm old enough to know a thing or two. Like, literally. I know one thing and maybe another but no more than that. 17. Do you have a crush on anyone? yes... don't worry. I burry my feelings deep inside my soul just like every other well adjusted adult 18. What’s your sexual orientation?  I thought I was bi but then a bi guy said hi from behind and that thought ended 19. What’s your favorite color? blue? Red? Purple? I'm more of a... ummm... shit 20. What was your most embarrassing moment?  😂😂😂 ok, so there was this one time, I was born, and it got soooooyyyt awkward!!😂😂😳 21. Do you ever wish you were someone else?  Oh god I have enough extisensial dread as is holy shit take that to someone else 22. What were you like when you were a kid?  Lazy, stupid, and never gonna accomplish anything with a work ethic like that hahahaHAHAHAHA SOMEBODY TAKE THE PAIN AWAY 23. What would your dream house be like?  A little house in the prairies where I can sit in the front yard with my wife in a rocking chair and watch my grandchildren play 24. What last made you laugh?  My last joke, bitch 25. What is your favorite word?  Romp... hehehe. It makes me think of cute little bunny rabbits hopping along in the woods 26. What is your least favorite word?  No 27. What turns you on? IF YOU LET ME TALK FOR A WHILE AND GIGGLE AND THINK IM SMART I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER 28. What turns you off?  ME NOT BEING ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE PEOPLE (holy shit I mean these are jokes but like god do I need therapy? Holy shit). 29. What is your star sign?  Sometimes, when I'm lost, I like to look for a sign to know whether I'm standing in the light of the word, or its darkness (the joke is that I use the sun as a sign for if it's daytime hartyharhar). 30. What are your favorite books?   31. Do you have any siblings?  two brothers and two sisters 32. Do you like to dance? Depends if you count air guitar and awkward lanky jolting as dancing cuz if yes THEN YA IM THE FUCKING MLG TRICK SHOT KING OF THAT SHIT. 33. What is your definition of cheating?  Summoning help in dark souls 34. Have you ever cheated on someone?  Nope 35. Do you regret anything?  Who the hell doesn't? Regret is a natural and essential piece of the human condition. It's horrible, but it teaches us how to live. 36. Do you have any phobias? Tight spaces high spaces suffocating in spaces (pluralized by virtue of multiverse theory) standing in line waiting to talk getting cut off cutting someone off cutting myself my memes not being fresh enough you know normal people stuff 37. Ever broken any bones? Sadly, no😔 38. Ever come close to death?  I mean I almost killed myself several time soooo... (guys before you ask I'm ok now don't worry I'm just figuring my shit out😂😂) 39. What is your religion, if any?  I worship at the holy grail of Cthulhu ahem check your privilege 40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?  Yes. I had a crush on her. Refer to question #27 41. Are looks important in a relationship?  They aren't the most important thing but yes I like being sexually attracted to people I'll potentially fuck exclusively for the rest of my life 42. Are you more like your mom or your dad?  I refuse to identify commonalities 43. What is your favorite season?  Springs, or fall. I don't pay attention but I live in Arizona so whatever time my balls aren't stuck to my pants🤗 44. Do you have any tattoos?  No but if I did it would just be "[]" because it's basically "[insert here]" brackets so I could tell people it's for or means or is about anything I want to. 45. Do you have any piercings?  No. But I have pierced myself IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN😂😂🙌💯 46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?  1? One lasted four days does that count? Cuz then it's 2. God... I need to get laid. OR HAVE AN ADORABLE HUNAM TO CUDDLE AND TALK TO AND DO THE DIRTY WITH AS THE CHERRY ON TOP OF HER CHERRY😂😂😂 oh god I kill myself😂 47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? As MBTI lore would suggest (I'm an enfp btw howdy), my soul belongs to sexy anime babes. 48. Who is your celebrity crush? ... that just made me feel lonely and I don't know why 49. Are you a virgin? 😉 50. Do you get jealous easily? Depends on the situation. I always keep it under wraps though. 51. What is your favorite type of food?  BUFFALO WINGS!!!! THOSE BETTER EXIST IN THE HEAVEN I DONT BELIEVE IN 52. Do you ever want to get married?  Hell ya my dude! 53. Who was your first kiss with?  My first girlfriend. 54. Have you ever been cheated on?  ... 55. What is your idea of the perfect date?  No idea. Just as long as we connect really well and I have the sense of finding someone who actually makes sense as a person and does that in a way complimentary to who I am. Talk about life I guess. NO HOLY SHIT TALK ABOUT LIFE FUCK YES!!!! 56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  Introverted extrovert😉😉😉 57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?  I doubt it but I believe in a neighboring universe where Hitler doesn't have a mustache soooo.... 58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?  Self esteem 59. What is your saddest memory?  Hahahaha... no 60. Do you believe in love at first sight?  no but I do believe in getting your jimmies rustled on first sight😉 61. Do you believe in soul mates?  I'm a nihilist. I believe in finding someone who fits you well enough that the tear in your soul is mostly ignorable, but not anyone who's made for you 62. Have you ever dyed your hair?  No 63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?  So one of the definitions for my name in urban dictionary is "Torin: likes to masturbate with the slimy sea creatures of the sea to get that real pussy feel. Synonymous with 'squids'."... apparently that escalated from fiction to fact very quickly. 64. Would you go against your moral code for money?  It depends. Ends justify the means. For example: I would stomp several puppies to death in an absolutely brutal fashion in order to save the lives of millions of children starving to death in Africa. 65. What are three things most people don’t know about you?  I've struggled with depression since 8th grade. I'm fairly certain their are missing pieces of my personality, which would explain why there's a different version of me for every person and why I forget who I am after just like 2 days of being alone. I don't cry a lot but it's not for healthy reasons. 66. Who are you jealous of? Basically everyone 67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?  NO BUT NOW I WANT TO I JUST GOT ALL WARM AND FUZZY FEELING 68. How long was your longest relationship?  About six months 69. Is the glass half empty or half full?  It's in the eye of the beholder. It doesn't really matter which one it is though, it only matters what you do with what's left. 70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?  😳 I'll wait to tell you until the third date😉 71. Who are your closest friends? Currently a college friend who's out of state. I tend not to stay particularly close to people for too long tho... ok well shit now I'm sad 72. Are you in a relationship?  Nope 73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?  I don't even have a joke wow fuck I'm lonely 74. Are you a bad person?  STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT IF I DO AND I DECIDE IM NOT I WILL SLIP INTO A SEVERE DEPRESSION that sounded funny in my head holy shit no it was not 75. Are you a lover or a fighter?  I fight for love💁 76. What did you do on your last birthday?  Some stuff my mother wouldn't be proud of 77. What is your favorite quote and why?  “Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I've done it a thousand times." -Mark Twain. It illustrates some things I'm not in the mindset to process 78. If your best friend died, what would you do?  NUUUUUUUUUU FUCKIN STAAAAHHHHHPPP I WILL CRY 5EVR 79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?  Beat my bitch ass (holy shit I need to process stuff stop asking me these questions I thought I had a healthy-ish self esteem but clearly not #sendhalp) 80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?  I have ADHD, so probably process everything at once and feel to panicked to do anything. That or the stimulation would be enough that I'd do everything and anything I wanted with no inhibitions. 81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?  One time I sucked on this hot chicks nipples and not only did it taste nasty but the nipple grew and stabbed my fucking throat OMG I DEEPTHROATED A NIPPLE THAT JUST CLICKED WTF 82. Are you happier single or in a relationship?  In a relationship, if it's with the right person. 83. Who were you in a past life?  Mark Twain Bitch! 84. What is your happiest childhood memory?  I have no idea. None of them exist in a vacuum. They only matter in context of everything else. 85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?  The majority of my life since my first boner yes. 86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend?  Oh I had like fucking 10 but they were all tv show characters except for one and I didn't like him that much. 87. If you were the president, what would you do?  I would gather as much information as possible about the most important matters and work down from there. 88. What is your ideal career?  Rn, comedian 89. What is your political affiliation? INDEPENDENT BITCH! 90. Are you conservative or liberal?  I'm left leaning. I identify more with liberal values but both are important in order to balance eachother out (that's why our political atmosphere is so volatile. Used to be we'd have a democrat then a republican and they'd switch every year, but congress would have the opposite orientation as the president. Now we have a switching one party system every year.) 91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection?  FUCKING WOMEN ARE YOU KIDDING ME WOMEN ARE HOURGLASSES MEN ARE LIKE UPSIDE DOWN TRIANGLES WITH LEGS AND A LITTLE DONGLE HOW IS THIS A QUESTION??!?!! 92. Do you like kissing in public?  No. I'm constantly aware of everything going on around me so I need some privacy. 93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?  humans can choose super powers (I'm keeping this one from the last guy's answers fucking savage dude) 94. Where would you like to live?  NEW YORK CITY 95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?  NEW YORK CITY EXCEPT I STAY THERE 96. Describe yourself in one word.  eclectic 97. Describe yourself in one sentence.  LISTEN TO GREENDAY "walking contradiction" AND ANY SIMILAR SONG!!

#enfp #mbti #meyers briggs #4w5

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noidsome · 7 years

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Digimon tri: Loss rant aka butthurt

So there are things that bothers me a lot about these Digimon tri movies and this movie, well lets just say its teh drop that tipped the glass. I dont really like rewieving things..but i am very passionate for digimon, so i suppose this will do.

So what is there to say about Digimon tri? or spesifically... loss? hehe loss..more like loss of my intrest in these movies..

TLDR; the movie is long, boring, little action, meiko is shit as always, the conflict with sora, tai and matt doesnt exist, some scenes go nowhere and are more filler then plot, still questions left unanswered, 02 kids are dead and gone and nobody cares at this point, and shitty, limited, boring, bland and dissapoiunting animation.

Anyhow where do i even start? first i suppose i should start off by saying the things i DO like about this movie. I did enjoy seeing tai more in the spotlight, and it was nice seeing tai, matt and sora talk again. And not to mention, digivolutions! Where most of the digis became ultimate! hell yeah! and my boi machinedramon, i always loved that fella. And more digi kaiser?? YES PLS FUEL MY NEEDS FOR FOOTAGE!! and of course, the animation was well done with the fight scenes and the action was really neat! My favorite part of the movie was the last part.

and now, onto the... MANY many problems these movies had, with none other then shitty animation, awkward scenes, bad art styles, scenes that go nowhere, meiko, and FILLER!! clench your asshole because this is going to be a long one...

Ok so we start off the movie strong. This flashback goes well with me because its this old timey wimey film effect, and we get to see the backstory of himekawa and black hair teacher typography mcgee, i forgot his name..anyway thats cool, we get plot! and then cuts to meiko being left out with her dark evil special digital device. GOOD. she has no way to enter now. she should be left out like the shitty written character she is. im glad shes out.. but would i be like this for long?? NOPE, NOT HERE IN DISSAPOINTMENT LAND I WONT!!

So then we get tehse cute bonding scenes, which are just very nice. its good they take their time with these, and boy....do they take their time :))))) the shitty happy music desu comes so abruplty that you just sit back and say “nice here it is.” so the rest of the digimon get along just fine with the kids again, which is nice i guess....except for pyokomon or whatever. For some reason she is the ONLY CONVENIENT one that wont like her. now, im fine with this, because things never happen the same way twice. however, she is THE ONLY ONE, and the others open very fast, so why?? eh whatever wont bother explaining too much about that ;))

so after this kawaii desuka moment, after toei “””””””””””””””animation”””””””””””””””” show us a slideshow of their best drawings of the kids just sitting there, with no movement, we get on with it.

There is one thing i learned in animation class, and that is that YOU NEVER HAVE ONE STILL FRAME in animation, and these movies have a lot of them, and so fucking shittly placed as well. Just sometimes to save time, or just because lazyness, the animators just pan a akward still filler frame. i know things are hard, and horrible in NEY-HON, especially with animation, but for gods sake i cant help but go “animation is hard XDDdDdDD” whenever watching these movies....because sometimes....SOMETIMES.......

anyway so onto the story, “special super powerful” meikoomon appears, crying because she is adult and remembers meiko. why, you ask?? WHY??????? WELL who cares stfu. so she runs away and jumps into a distortion. did she make it? did the digital world provide her with some? will we get answers??

so then, PTaiSD starts doubhting if we can save the special boy cat, and Yamaha has to of course get angry about every single little thing tai does, and walks off in a huff. Was this scene forced like all hell?? is yamiffedo being a bitch for no reason?? Yes. yes he was. at this point, it feels like they just put this here to give matt a reason to be angry because they have nothing left to bitch about to eachother, or yashitto just wont let up. either way, it is so frustrating..but i digress.

we also cut to black haired crocks wearing mcgee again, in and out, of him saying “i cant figure this out” and we get told this 2 times. ... ANYYYWAYYYY then the kids remember their personalities again and tai suggests we do something now, and the digimon digivolved. HURRAH!”

byomon is still not trusting sora, which is fine i guess bonds take time, and they did take their time, which was fine. so they keep cutting to this trolly, the one they slept in in digimon adventure. HEY GUYS, REMEMBER THE TROLLY???? REMEMBER DIGIMON 01?? WASNT THAT SERIES COOL???

special OP baby cat meikomon just sits and laments because she cant find meiko, so she gets all infected and fucks up everything again, making the reboot for NUFFIN if she keeps this up. BUTT WAIT, why does she still have this infection?????? OH NO SHE TURNED EVIL AGAIN!!!! but does the movie explain??

so here we are with the blank kids club as izzy expositions the shit out of the other kids, which is nice. its nice to get plot... BUT ITS NOT THE PLOT WE ACTUALLY NEED, just...just a little bit of it. just a little bit.......... anyway everyone cuberbullies meiko and basically says that she is a shit and wont fit in here because all she would do is cry or fuck up something beyond repair. that is what she would do.

so then sora walks off and sits by a trunk and is sad because her tamagotchi doesnt like her anymore. BUT.......and this is a big but...Taishit and Yaman come to the rescue. BUT...they are both stupidly blank and doesnt know waht the fuck to do or say, but they try. how will they tackle this point??

So basically sora is suprised to figure out that tai and matt cant read her mind, and just runs off and is understandably angry about the situation. so as tai and matt is visibly upset they cant fix this, which you couldnt tell because their expressions are about as vibrant as a piece of wood, Taichi basically says something good for once. Sora spends her times worrying about other people and doesnt say anything about her own worries. which is....good??????

im sorry but to me thats not good at all. if you fix everyone elses problem, and you shut your own problems inside, you are going to suffer. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING HOLY FUCK WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE IS THAT??!?!?!?!? unless i am completly misunderstanding this kind of behaviour but to me, this is not good. fuck that shit. so that scene ends. nothing gets resolved. then finally, after fucking FOREVER with filler scenes and awkward crappy animation, machinedramon finally appears and is here to fucking kill this second hand emberassment. they run from him, and the others see whats going on. so then they try to do something and fails, and then meikoomon isnt evil anymore...........????? and then something which i think is one of the biggest, STUPIDEST cop puts of all time happens.

macinedramon shoots them at point blank, and really hard and long too, like so long the camera makes sure to show ALL of their faces as they slowly burn to death by the giant super death cannon...and so they all get fucking obliterated and die... EXCEPT THEY DONT!!!!!!!!!! A DISTORTION PORTAL APPEARS AND JUST... TROWS THEM ACROSS THE ENTIRE ISLAND!!!! AND THE KIDS ARE ALSO UNHARMED!?”!?”?!?

WHAT THE FUYCK IS THAT SHIT?!?!??! WHY DID THE DISTORITON APPEAR??? WHO MADE IT?? WAS IT MEIKOOMON??? EXPLAIN!!! EXPLAIN FOR FUCKS SAKE IM TOO AUTISTIC TO UNDERSTAND THIS DEEP LEVEL OF STORY TELLING!!!

oh and we get a cute flashback to actually knowing what himekawa wanted. she just wanter he digimon back.......which is why she acted this way all along? so she could get her stupid digimon back=??? thats why she had to act like she was secretly the one fucking everything up?? ....eh idk ANYWAY

byomon sees sora cry and decides wew lad....that changes everything.,..so that scene ends, and what does byomon find?????? WELL WOW ITS MEIKO WHO JUST FELL INTO THE DIGITAL WORLD JUST BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was at this point i got really upset with this crappy movie. The scenes drag on for too long, scenes just end and go nowhere, and GOD DAMN IT IM SORRY FOR SAYING THIS BUT MEIKO IS A FUCKING MARY SUE. she is such a classic example of shittily written self insert characters that it fucking hurts. if i wanted to read your shitty digimon fanfiction from 2008 then i would of done that. Its fucking insane to see this level of writing from a professional writing team, holy fuck.

and then........this.......this takes the cake.... fucking tai and kari are together. finally, they get to talk a little about things, like for example bringing up whats bothering tai all this time, or why he has to be such a tittybaby with yamato, or maybe have a little chat about character development. but no we dont get none of that. shitty sad music plays and....no tai just says “oh man im so angry i didnt make it” and kari says “its ok” and then tai just looks down.... AND THEN THATS IT!!! ....OK??

so then a whole lot of fucking nothing happens for a while, and i mean, they just.....dont say ANYTHING worthwhile. tai goes all “man i wish tai would read my mind and not be an asshole. my name IS MATT AND I JUST CANT TALK TO MY FRIENDS SO I WALK AROUND LIKE AN ANGRY PISSY BABY BECAUSE THATS MY TRAIT, WHICH IS NOT FRUSTRATING AND TIRED AT ALL”

and byomon being a little warmer, going to meiko just because shes a cunt at this point, like now shes just being a dick, and generally everyone just walking around having a grand ol time. i guess its nice, and cool and all...but it drags ON FOR TOO LONG WE DONT NEED THIS LEVEL OF CALM WHEN YOU HAD ONE ACTION SCENE TROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE!!!!! and just generally....just stuff that goes NOWHERE!! like that train scene???? literally filler. was it a trowback to 02 where agumon came back on the train after being with the dark master?? i dont know!! fuck!!

then expositionmon comes, and its vague, and leaves. and then whatever anyway

meikomon cries and when she gets back to meiko again she tries to slit her troat, and meiko supringly tells her that she isnt good.....wow..thats nice. but they reuine and FINALLY gennai arrives again. in his kaiser disguise. why does he have that avatar to go back and forth troughout the world? why did he chose to use kaiser?? my guess is just to be a dick to the others, because thats the only good explanation at this point.

and sora does say “oh hi ken please dont” but thats it. im sorry but at this point, the 02 kids are oficcially dead and gone. there is no logical explanation to why they act like this anymore. none that are actually good. forget about them, the others have. just....forget about it.

so distortions appear again and everyone reunites again, because hell we needed SOME explanation to them meeting again. so action happens, and everything is nice and fine and then gennai just

hes so insane im kind of liking it..... ANYWAY stuff happens and so they run away while gennai talks to them about some answers to our questions, which they might not hear because of the BIG HEAVY STOMPS AND ROARS from the digimons but whatever... yuggrasil i dont remember who is and at this point i just wanted the movie to be over, so this last part, there isnt much to say because i liked it.

however sora getting BTFO by a giant mountain and machinedramons claw should have killed her, but nah whatever. and the scene with tai and matt drowning??? i jsut... dont understand it. what the fuck happened??? why did they just not drown anymore?? what?????? did the power of magic save them or somethin? I DONT GET IT!! and i mean...they should have drowned at that point jfc

then half the movie is the digimon digivolving and now im so god damn sick of writing, but meikomon fucks everything up again and NOW IT ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER!! REEEEEEEEEEEEE

SOOOO yeah thats it...the movie was slow, boring, fun, and overall awkwards. the kids had ALMOST no personality, and the scenes that the movie advertized, like the conflict with sora, tai and matt was nonexistant, and just....i myself, and a lot of people, are fucking dissapointed.

if you read this far, thank you. but i have no big hypes for the rest of the movies anymore because the shitty animation, no facial expressions, crappy storytelling, boring character interactions, and MEIKO makes me hate these movies more and more...........and that makes me sad.

#digimon tri #digimon adventure tri #digimon adventure tri loss #review

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marktuanlogy-blog · 7 years

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RECAP OF GOT7 FANMEET 1/29/2017

RECAP OF GOT7 FANMEET/CONCERT Sorry I'm still a bit hyped and excuse my language OMG HOW DO I EVEN START ON THIS SMH. GOT7 WAS SO FREAKING PERFECT UP ON STAGE ;-; WE CHEERED AND SCREAMED FOR EVERY THING THEY SAID CUS WHY NOT ... RETURN MY SOUL, LIFE, AND VOICE NOW .-. i recorded the entire 2hour thing with one arm smh give me my arm back too got7 First of all, we went to go get our merch (poster, jacket, shirt, and light stick) and got to our seats and all... and then we were just waiting for GOT7. Mark's family came exactly 16 minutes before the fanmeet started and we all went wild for a good 3 minutes. So I just went crazy on my Snapchat story and uh spammed it :O THEN it was 7pm and HARD CARRY started playing and we all were just screaming got7 got7 got7 got7 got7 GOT7 CAME OUT LIKE WTFWTFWT I WAS NOT READY i screamed so much with this girl next to me haha she's a jackson bias <3 IT GOT LIT AF. So they sang Let Me I SWEAR THEIR VOCALS ARE BETTER IN REAL LIFE OMG MY EARS GOT BLESSED MARKS RAPPING WAS SO FREAKING PURIFYING OHHHHHHHHHH YOUNGJAES VOCAL BLESSED MY LIFE LIKE WTF MAN They were sitting in the chairs from left to right: Jackson, Jinyoung, Mark, Jaebum, Youngjae, Bambam, and then Yugyeom. THEN THEY SANG Prove It I SWEAR JAEBUMMIES VOICE IS SO SEXYYY AND CHICCCCC X1000000 I LOVE BAMBAMS RAPS IN THIS SONG IDK WHY I JUST DO OK. AND MARKS OMG THOSE DEEP VOICES ARE JUST SE(ductive)XY AF. (NEW FAVORITE SONG IN TURBULENCE) hey all did self introductions (ALL IN ENGRISH YUS IM SO PROUD) and all seemed pretty shy at first OMG HOW COULD U BE SO CUTEEEEE Bambam (ATTEMPTED TO) get us lit but then it got awkward af. Like he told us to say Got7 everytime he says Ay and the third time he didnt even realize we said GOT7 and he just kept looking at us like SMH BOI SMH. idk their host was annoying af BUT I MEAN HE WAS THE ONE THAT ENCOURAGED THE SEXY DANCE FROM THE MEMBERS SO NO COMPLAINTS THERE. Q&A started .... Jackson's Question: What's your ideal type? Yugyeom: Sexy cutie IGOT7 (I swear I heard someone from the back saying ILL BE SEXY AND CUTIE FOR YOU YUGYEOM) it was super cute when the host was like raise your hand if your a sexy cutie IGOT7 :3 WE ALL RAISED OUR HANDS haha and yugyeom was like "so many heh *nervous laugh*" Bambam: a girl who is cute, but when you get to know her, she's sexy. I'd like a girl with a sexy side. BOI U NEED A GIRL TO DAB WITH U EVERY MORNING. Youngjae: ummm.. ummmm...... OKAY YOU *points to girl* *breaks everyone else's hearts in the crowd* "BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AHGASE" *HYPES UP CROWD MORE SCREAMING* -everyone else starts saying IGOT7/Ahgases- *Bambam trying to calm us down lmao no it didn't work because Youngjae basically just told us he loves us all* Jaebum: I don't really have an ideal type... (he was nervous af) Host: So you like all AHGASES? Jaebum: yeahhhh.... Host: YEAHHHHH... * I THINK I ACCIDENTALLY STOPPED RECORDING HERE OOPS * MARK: (MINDY IS MY IDEAL TYPE) YOU... I love all AHGASES (boi) Jinyoung: I love IGOT7s <3 Jackson: I love everyone, I love you, I love IGOT7 (love me jackson) Next question: Can the members do a sexy dance? Jackson: Yugyeom Yugyeom you first <3 Yugyeom does sexy dance to Prove It (inappropriate content pm me for those details :3) i will never think of that song the same way again. nope nope nope yugyeomie yah. Mark turns around like no i aint seeing this shit again (even though ur hyung man) Jackson looks down at Yugyeom doing his uh-sexy dance- and is very proud of his work. After Yugyeom was done with the sexy dance Jaebum reached out his hand and took it back and made Yugyeom fall again (savageee) but yes, he did help him up afterwards Yugyeoms face was like why am i even living rn Question: What inspires you in writing a song? Jaebum's: Experience and imagination (DEEP) Host: OH AND JAEBUM READS A LOT (JAEBUMBUMBUMBUM) and watches lots of movies... what kind of movies? -Jaebum's face: wtf is he saying...- Jaebum gets translation: La la land (what is that...) -sings a song from that movie SEXY AF VOICE- Question: What do you like the most of the MV music? Youngjae: i like the small parts and the really strong beat and you can bounce around to the music Question: You (meaning Bambam) and Yugyeom.. can you dance to (???some lit af american music which i clearly dont know of since i got into kpop but it was lit i mean yehhhhh...) music Bambam: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASYYYYYYYYYYY *Insert note: YUGYEOM IS SUCH A CUTE BABY OMG I WANNA ADOPT HIM* Question: If you were an American artist who would you be? Yugyeom: *asks crowd* Yugyeom: Kendrick Lamar? someone from crowd: DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP Bambam: oh? what are u guys saying *laughs* Bambam getting ready for a dab like its his routine DABDAB dabs* crowd goes wild* DABDAB IS VERY PROUD OF SELF* MOMMA JINYOUNG SHAKES HEAD* bambam ur ded. BOOM BOOM BOOM (BOOMX3) PLAYS* G7 TURN UP <33333333333 *me singing to the song but rly i probably pronounced everything WRONG BUT NO REGRETS) HIP THRUST DURING BOOM BOOM BOOM PART YUGYEOM AND BAMBAM CALM DOWNNNNNN When bambam sang "turn all the lights on" MARK LOOKED AT HIM AND NODDED AND WINKED WTF YO I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW GOOD THEIR VOICES ARE IT JUST SOUNDS SO GOOD LIKE UGHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHH PARK JINYOUNG IS LIKE A FREAKING PRINCE IN THAT BLACK JACKET WITH SILVER LINING AND RED UNDERSHIRT OMG HE IS A TRUE PRINCE HIS PERM IS JUST HUKUHKHUHKUH then... JUST RIGHT PLAYS CROWD GOES CRAYCRAY AGAIN *MINDY'S NONSTOP SHAKING YO* THIS ENTIRE SONG IS SO WARMING I LOVE THE WORLD NOW lol thats funny. YOUNGJAE SWITCHING UP THOSE VOCALS MADE US DRUNK AF BAMBAM IS BEING EXTRA AF LET ME TELL U WITH THOSE LONG LEGS HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS READY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD (JACKSON). IN HIS RAPPING PART JACKSON WAS very inappropro lets make this less inappropro and just say he was like "SAY OHHHH YEAHHH.... SAY OHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH... SAY OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH. SAY OHHHHHH YEAHHHHH." BAMBAM: "SAY OHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (voice cracks* smh boi) SAY OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH (voice cracks again*) SAY OHHHHHHH YEAHHHHH (now imagine this in a deep deep voice) SAY OHHHHH YEAHHHHH (this was even deeper) ++++++++++++++++++++++++ GAMES ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Game #1: Guess the Song Game #2: Hacky Sack (each member from GOT7 plays with someone from the audience) Everyone chooses who they partner with MINDY WAS 2 NUMBERS AWAY FROM MARKS NUMBER SMH MARK MARK MARK IF YOU ONLY ADDED 2 TO THAT LAST DIGIT I WOULDVE GONE UP .-. you wouldve hugged meh <3 (that's for lataaa) mindy's heart breaks NO BUT I FEEL HAPPY FOR THOSE IGOT7 WHO WENT UP STAGE MAN NONE CRIED??? I WOULDVE FLIPPED HELL (sorry sab's natural habitat) GOT7'S COMPETITIVENESS IS CRAZY EVERY ONE WAS SCREAMING AND DYING AND KILLING EACHOTHER TO GET THE RIGHT ANSWER OMG But overall, Youngjae won the first round after guessing the most amount of songs correct <3 He even went on his knees for "Beggin' on My Knees" *lowkey feels like Jinyoung, Yugyeom, and Mark were pretty ignored... almost never got called on...* Game #2 begins and the people who were chosen gets up stage :D Every IGOT7 does their self introduction Yugyeom's partner: Amy, favorite GOT7 song is Fly Bambam's partner: Molly, 24 years old *PAUSE HERE FOR A SEC* Bambam: ohhh.... NOONA *continue* Bambam's partner: favorite GOT7 song is If You Do Youngjae's partner: Arianna Youngjae: Arianna, ah, yea, WOAWWWW Youngjae: How old are you? Arianna: Who's that Youngjae: I asked how old are you. Who I am? I'm Youngjae HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH Youngjae: What's your favorite song? Arianna: Who's That Youngjae: You don't like Home Run? Jaebum's partner: C(K?)at Jaebum: Cat? Oh wow oh oh uhhhhh okay What's your favorite song? Cat: Just Tonight Mark's partner: (mindy ;-; jk) Serena, favorite song is Fly Jinyoung's partner: Vivian, favorite song is Mayday Jackson: Sussy, from China, favorite GOT7 song is IDK because she doesn't understand engrish. and her favorite member is Jinyoung (BETRAYALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL) Jackson: Can you be more confident? *HUGS* (i need a man like jackson ;-;) JACKSON SAYS HIS PARTNER IS PRO AND WEARS HER COAT SO SHE CAN KICK THE THINGY JACKSON YOOOO GIRL WANNA TRADE (wait but mark) Scores for the second game: Youngjae team: 5 Jaebum team: *Jaebum trying to be calm but almost trips smh* 3 Bambam team: *STARTS MAKING SHIPS OF HIM AND HIS PARTNER* "Holly, Bambam... Hollybam.... Bamlly. Bamlly you go first" 4 Jinyoung team: *JINYOUNG IS SUPER GOOD AT THIS* 15 (Jinyoung made like 12 im so proud of this mother) MARK TEAM: (mark im so proud) gets 16 ---- PRAISES THE KICKY THINGY hugs the girl up in the air .... mindy is reminded that her last digit was only 2 numbers away sad face XD Yugyeom team: *hits his partner and she fake dies lol* 8 Jackson team: "She's pro" *CONFIDENT HES GONNA WIN* *TAKES OFF HER JACKET AND HOLDS IT FOR HER* *AFTER HIS PARTNER IS DONE PUTS JACKET BACK ON HER* 5 WINNER IS TEAM MARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK the girl gets marks jacket LUCKYYYYYYYYY WE GOT TO SEE THE "SECRET" BEHIND THE SCENES OF THE MAKING OF HARD CARRY'S MV THEY ARE SO SEXY IN THEM. THEY START PERFORMING FLY JB IS BACK TO HIS EXTRA SELF AND THIS TIME ALSO BRINGS IN YUGYEOM SMH. MARKS RAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP HOW CAN MY HEART TAKE THIS LOL NO I DIDNT I DIED. JINYOUNG'S VOICE IS SO SOFT WTF MANNN even mark screaming at the end was sexy af everything got7 does is sexy af SMIRK FACE INSERTED NEXT THEY PERFORMED IF YOU DO THEIR PERFORMANCES ARE SO GOOD I FEEL LIKE IM REPEATING SO MUCH BUT ITS RLY RLY AMAZING IM SO PROUD OF THEM GAWD GOT7 IS SO AMOOZHING GOT7 say their thank yous and YUGYEOM WIPES HIS SWEAT uughgghhghghg and its sexy af THEY SAID THEY WILL COME BACK JINYOUNG SAID THEY WILL COME BACK THIS YEAR. JINYOUNG SAYS KCON JINYOUNG SAYS SO. *MINDY STARTS SAVING NEW YEARS MONEY THEY START PERFORMING HARD CARRY HARD CARRY HEH WOH HARD CARRY HEH *no jackson did not lift up his shirt like i expected* Jaebum wraps HIMSELF IN A HOODIE AND IT LOOKS SO DARK BUT SO CUTEEEEEE THEN THEY PERFORMED HOME RUN ONE OF MY FAVS <3 JINYOUNG AND HIS SASS OMG JINYOUNGGGGGGGGG BAMBAM TAKES SOMEONES PHONE AND RECORDS HIMSELF BAMBAM KNOWS HOW TO KILL FANS. BEWARE OF THE BAMBAM.. SO DOES JINYOUNG. BEWARE OF BOTH JINYOUNG AND BAMBAM. THEY SAID THEIR GOODBYES AND LEFT </3 -------------------------------------- overall this fanmeeting was a very very very amazing experience and I got to see GOT7 in real life, not through the screen bUT IN REAL LIFE ive been crying since 11 smh i need help it's so surreal I can't even believe it's already over like. HUKKKK. Got7 is probably at Mark's house right now and Mark finally gets to reunite with his parents that he hasn't seen since summer. got7 is probably resting up for their next comeback

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insidethecrack · 6 years

Text

Who am I ? [identity part 1]

Tell me who I’m supposed to be Make me better I can’t stay half way dead forever I fear now There’s not much left of me When you’ll take the sick away Who am I supposed so to be ?

Icon for Hire - Supposed to be

If you’re neurodiverse, you might have heard this more than once : “you’re not your [insert mental illness of your choice here]”. And you might have wanted to punch the person, but you didn’t because it’s something nice to say right ? So why does it fucking hurt so fucking much ? And why do people think it’s a good thing to say ?

Usually when we’re told this, it’s at time when our neurodiversity takes so much space that there is very little space for anything else. It’s very tough time, and we’re stuck in our sadness / delusion / pain / [insert your reality here]. So people are trying, sometimes very clumsily, to comfort us, and this sentence often pops up. And it makes as much sense as saying “fire burns, but you’re not the fire” to someone who just get caught in a fire. After the fire, the person has scars, it can be ugly, or very visible, and the person might live it badly. Would you tell them “you’re not your scars” ? Probably no. Because you know it’d be a useless thing to do. You’d check with the person if they want to find nice way to hide the burns, or to live with them in plain view, you would love them anyway, you would check with them how to properlys take care of the burn scars. Because the scar is a scar, and even if scars fade, they never go away. So you’d see how to help them live with it. Right ?

Guess what, it’s the same for mental health. Because we know we are not out neurodiversity. We are way more, and we have to live with it. But it doesn’t mean it has no impact on who we are. On the countrary, it has a huge deep impact on us, on our life, and on our sense of self.

I’m going to speak about what impact schizophrenia has on my sense of identity / self, but I think a lot of neurodiverse people might relate.

I am not my schizophrenia, I know this. I know this so bad that when I was stuck in madness years ago, one of the thought that kept poping up was “I have to find a name for the madness, ‘cause if she has a name and it’s not mine, then we are not the same”. So... I know that. I’m not my schizophrenia but it has impact on my ability to communicate (and most of the time, not to communicate efficiently), on my ability to trust people around me, to work with them, to create relationship (we acknowledge with the therapist that schizophrenia was litteraly biaising EVERY relation I have and will have. How depressing is that ?), to meet people, to see me, to think, to sleep, to understand the world, to see and feel my body, my genre identity, my sexuality. Oh well, that covers basically any part of my life. In case you need something more concrete to understand where is schizophrenia is in my life :

-my PhD : I’m working on the interaction between language - voice - music - body. Which is perfect since I’m hearing voices who don’t speak but go through my blood and language is my only weapon against madness. So I’m way ahead neurotypical researchers. But it also means that sometimes it hits too close from home. -academic life : you must sell yourself all the time, which is not easy when voices keep screaming and you want to delete everything you do once it’s done. You must learn to do things without being taught how to do that, which is not easy when you can’t understand an unspoken rule. -meeting people : the way I speak = the way I think = reality. I don’t have this “moderation” stuff in my brain. Which means I can say things “coldly”. So, generally people I meet think I’m cold, unsensitive and dead inside (not really but English is lacking some incredible French words). So most of the time, I just shut up. -sex life : (because that’s one is fun....) I’m completely unable to have a representation of my body, which means I have no sex fantasy. Which mens you can’t flirt with me because I have no idea what I want or not, which means that if you try I’ll be just “euh... maybe ?” because flirting generally happens on a different moment than the sex moment so to my brain it doesn’t even make sense to answer flirting because it’s not a yes or no question because the moment will come later which means the answer might be different.

etc etc Any neurodiverse person could do such a list (and maybe you should ask them to do so, so you could better understand what it means for them). But do you know what’s particularly funny with schizophrenia ? It’s a psychosis, but more precisely, a psychosis connected to the identity / personnality. Schizophrenia has often been confused with multiple personnality disorder because it means “broken mind”, but it’s not broken like “hey, now we’re two”, it’s broken like when there’s a crack on a glass (and here’s the tiltle of the blog ! almost two years after the beginning, now you know !). The glass still holds up, but there’s a crack in it. I don’t understand what “I” means. You may say it’s stupid, it’s a pronoun, so how could you not understand it ? On an intellectual level, I do. But on a personal level... “dafuq ?” Pronouns are used to stand instead of something else. Well, I have no idea what “I” stands for. I don’t know who is this I that keeps starting every single sentence I write or say. To me, I isn’t a pronouns, it’s something I create, and all the parts of myself are traveling inside this I. I is supposed to bring through life. I think it’s our fourst I... It’s nice, because it means I can start over and build a new one when needed. But it also means I have blood on my hand since I killed the others, someone has to do it. So my relation to myself can be quite violent... I is a thing I fix and break and fix again and break again... It’s like... if life was a video game and we’re playing the “identity level”, I would be playing in hardore difficulty. Because there are thoughts in my head that are not mine, the same head that I’ve watched rolling over the kitchen flour for hours once. I can’t stand a mirror because I dont know who it is. Photography can be hard for that too. I’m overcontroling anything I say or do, just to be sure I did it. Basically, on a daily basis, I feel like I’m living with a stranger. Except that this stranger is me, my body, and mind. I’m a clandestine passenger in my own life, body, mind. So I am not my schizophrenia, but my schizophrenia defines me, at least partly. Just like I’m not my parents, but the choices they made in my education define me. I’m not what the bullies said but baving been bullied defined me too. I’m not my ex-boyfriend but what happened with him will define a part of my future relationships (if they ever happen). I’m not my PhD advisor, but the way she guides defines a part of my PhD, which defines a part of me. So maybe we all got that wrong. Maybe it’s not a matter of whether I’m my schizophrenia or not, maybe it’s more how many things define me. The more items on the list, the more I get close to “me”.

Identity is hell for a lot of us, neurodiverse or neurotypical, in a way or another. Because we are so much and so little in the same time. But you can’t list ALL of the items to anyone you meet, not even to yourself. So you have to chose. But how ? Does your job define you more than the delicious cookies you baked to please your friend ? Does your mental / physical illness define you more than the books you wrote ? How can you be so sure that all of these items are so independant when YOU are the connection between them ?

According to me, it’s more a matter of choice. We chose which items are important in this life long list of things. It’s scary, choice is always scary. It implies responsability. But it also means that we can change anytime we want or need. It’s possible that one day, my schizophrenia defines me way more than days where I’ll be defined by my love for linguistic or metal music. If we can chose, it also means that you can’t tell a neurodiverse person that they are not their neurodiversity, because you have no fucking idea and it’s not yours to chose for them. Because, maybe at that moment, they feel like it’s the item which most defines that and YOU have to accept that. So if you want to say something, maybe go along the line of “you are not reduced to it” or “you are a lot of other things too”. For some of us, our neurodiversity will last all of our life. Whether we want / like it or not, it’s going to be part of our life until life is over. Therefore, it will have more impact on our identity than that one job we took during several months or even years : because it will last forever, because it has impact on every part of our lives... and also because most of people won’t get that.

Once someone corrected me and said “no, you’re not schizophrenic, you have schizophrenia”. I think it was very well intentioned, but it was fucking violent. I use “be” because in French you can’t use “have” with schizophrenia. So it’s a habit I have. But also because “have” implies that I could not have it. It’s not a choice I have. So “be” seems truer : I am schizophrenic, and it’s ok, because I also am a writer, a translator, an interprete, a PhD student, a theatre nerd, a metalhead, an otaku, a rain walker, a friend, a sister, a non-binary person, a feminist, a teacher, a book worm, a cat human, a shitty pun maker, a homemade linguist, AND SO FUCKING ON. So i want to be able to say I AM schizophrenic because it’s true, and it will probably be forever true, so I need to be just an item on a never ending list of items I used to build this I (which may be one day the last I’ll have to create...).

Don’t correct your friend when talk about their neurodiversity and how it defines them or impact on their life. They know better than you, it might just be hard to put it into word. Listen, understand their choice, respect it. You’ll earn a lot by doing so : the trust of your friend, but also the right to define yourself the way you want, with the items you wanted and chose. Neurodiverse persons are often refused the right to choose for themselves : their life, their will and ambition, how to treat their need, but also the way they talk about themselves and define themselves. As a neurotypical person, you may have never experienced that, so just imagine a few seconds : we meet, you start introduce yourself and then I interrupt you “no, you can’t like this thing, not with hair like that ! people with those hair don’t do that !” And everyone you’ll meet after me will react just the same until we all proved you that no, you couldn’t like this thing, not with that kind of hair. That’d be silly right ? Well, that’s what the world does to us, and not always with violent ways, more often, it’s more subtle things, like people wanting to comfort you with the wrong words. That’s what the world does to us all the time. It silences a lof of people with anxiety and self-esteem issues. It fucks up people’s brain like me, since we already have huge issues defining ourselves, it just makes it worse because it takes us years to come up with such things, and it can be destroyed in just a second.

If schizophrenia doesn’t define me, someone took the opportunity of a psychotic episode to rape me, how is it for defining life experience ? It broke the fragile limits I was building for years. This I was getting better and better. We had to kill it because it couldn’t survive... and now we’re starting over. And I’m left alone at night wondering : what the worst part, being schizophrenic or a rape survivor ? in my case, is it so difference ? And I’m struggling because I have no answer, I have no idea how to choose. And it doesn’t feel like there is enough place on this body to keep both. But once again, it’s not really like I have a choice. (so I get we should build this new I bigger ?? ...)

And this, this is why at the moment, I think it should be important that people know I’m schizophrenic, because I’m going through a time of my life where it has a huge and deep impact on everything I do, feel and think. I know it hasn’t always been the case, so I have hope it won’t last forever. But for now, this is a huge part of who I am, at least until I got everything back under control.

This is what your friend is telling you when they say they have depression / PTSD / bipolar or any other diagnosis : at the moment, this is a huge part of who I am. It may change a day, and if so, they’ll let you know. In the meantime, see what they can’t see anymore, and bring it back to their mind, see their light behind the darkness, and don’t get offended if they can’t see it themselves, it will take time. But they have to follow their own path. Remember the last time you were very very sad. Would it have helped if someone had come to you and say “you’re not your sadness !” ? Would it have comforted you in any way ? No. Probably no... you would have wanted the person to acknowledge your pain and hang out with you and hug or say silly things right ? Guess what ? We want the same thing. That should make things easier to understand right ?

I realise this article is already so fucking long and I didn’t talk about the last thing about identity and mental illness : why is it so hard to let this painful things stop defining us ? It’s already so long and I should be working (because remember, I’m also a teacher...), so next time I guess !

Take care of you, and keep listening to one another.

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