#okay i have an appointment in a week. i need to gain weight just. a pound or two

[wizardnuke]

would like to thank my doctor for approving my stimulant medication after four months of me not calling it in and just writing "needs appt" on the instruction section of the paper. girl i would die for you

#okay i have an appointment in a week. i need to gain weight just. a pound or two #okay i have to SWEAR to her truthfully that ive been drinking protein shakes every day for the past week #im 87lbs guys this is bad. #and she trusts me but doesn't understand that i don't have an appetite and since adhd meds kill ur appetite she thinks it's going to cause #issues and i have to explain every time that no i actually eat more when im on meds bc i Remember To #aww i shouldn't do drugs for the next week bc i have a drug test. tragic for me

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

ed cw- i went to a new doctor bc ive moved to a new side of the state and they had to take my weight which is pretty standard and usually i just look away and ask them not to tell me but this time the nurse asked me to just read to her what the scale said and ive lost like..12 lbs since i last checked like a month ago

#shut up hanna #ed cw #body image cw #i also had like Just eaten right before the appointment #i thought i would have gained weight #i think i may be relapsing #its just a weird hard time rn #living w new ppl and they are my friends. but theyre better friends w each other yk #and its my first time living w ppl that dont know abt my ed and im sure theyre gonna figure it out #but im still in that inevitable stage of trying to be normal so they dont know bc i dont like when ppl notice this stuff #um anyway. my friend. the guy ive been really good friends with and talking about and everything #he went home for summer and stopped talking to me #i asked him if he was okay he said just really tired. but thats been it. #he had been talking to me every day since we met at auditions. even that 2 ish weeks where i was like dont talk to me he still did a little #and hes just stopped #and it sucks bc i said i was scared that would happen and he said it wouldn't #and i was talking w my roommate abt this after she talked abt her romance problems #and she was like. your feelings are valid but you need to move on. #and no one understands that like. its not about being in love with him its not about my feelings for him #its about him being like. one of my very best friends #there was NO ONE else i talked to that much #or talked to ABOUT my mental stuff yk. like other friends knew abt it obviously but i wouldn't rlly talk much abt it #but he asked like he wanted to know like. idk. and i never overshared or anything like i always asked if he was sure if it was ok etc #anyway. it was stupid to get that close to someone but i did. and i miss that support. like we didnt talk abt serious stuff very often #mostly just like. day to day stuff and thoughts and feelings and just everything we just talked to each other #and now he just doesn't. and i miss him. and its not about my unrequited affections its about missing him as a person in my life #and no one understands

[ginnsbaker]

fic: if i bleed (you'll be the last to know) (9/?)

Part Summary: You get more than you bargained for on Halloween

Pairing: Leigh Shaw x Fem!Reader, temporary Leigh x Danny | Word count for this part: 7.300+ | Warnings: Light angst, R and Leigh being obtuse | Author's Note: Longest chapter so far (and about 90% of it is just Leigh and R)! I have officially written another novel length fic with this update. From a two-shot to this? Wouldn't be possible without everyone's support. Thank you, everyone. I have a little treat for you at the end.

Masterlist | Part I Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII

-

Despite Leigh's promise to bring Logan in for his vaccinations, she missed the appointment again for the second time. Understanding that life gets hectic, you decide that rather than seeing Logan miss another round of critical vaccinations, you'll take matters into your own hands and arrange a home visit at the Shaw’s.

On the day of the visit, you discover that Logan has gained 2.5 pounds in just two weeks. The drastic weight gain might indicate that he’s not a purebred Shih Tzu as you originally thought when you got him, or Leigh has been feeding him more than the recommended serving size. You can feel Logan’s solid back as you hold him in place while you administer the vaccine on his scruff. Leigh appears nervous, and if you weren’t determined to scold her after completing Logan’s immunizations, you might have found it adorable.

“Just a quick pinch, buddy,” you murmur soothingly to the anxious pup. Logan yelps as the needle pierces his skin, but within two seconds, it’s over. You rub his neck to distract him from the sting of the medicine, then return to your insulated bag to dispose of the syringe. Leigh watches closely as you finish with Logan, a slight frown creasing her forehead. You notice she's dressed in what you figure is her nightwear—a thin olive camisole and matching capri pants. It seems too dressed down for receiving a guest.

“Why are these vaccines so important, anyway?” she asks lightly, but you don’t miss her apprehension behind it. “I mean, he'll mostly be indoors…”

The frustration from her missing two appointments sneaks into your voice as you say, “Vaccines can mean the difference between life and death for puppies. Take the parvovirus—it's lethal and spreads quickly.”

Leigh nods, taking in the weight of your words. You notice her swallow, perhaps realizing the graveness of her oversight. “I didn't realize it was that serious,” she murmurs.

You catch yourself, realizing you might be coming across as harsher than necessary. “It's alright, Leigh. That's exactly why I came here,” you say mildly. You've dealt with many uneducated dog owners before, and Leigh is no different. You know you need to be patient with her, just as you have been with others, and you remind yourself not to let your personal feelings interfere with your professional opinions.

Logan wiggles happily at your feet, seemingly forgiving you for the shot already. “And another thing,” you add, glancing down at Logan’s round belly, “he’s put on quite a bit of weight. We need to watch his diet. Too much food isn’t good for him either.”

Leigh looks slightly embarrassed. “I guess I've been spoiling him with extra treats,” she admits. “I'll be more careful with that.”

“It’s okay. I know how hard it is to say ‘no’ to that face,” you say, smiling at Logan while you rub his chin. “Just keep to the recommended portions, and he’ll be in good shape.”

As you gather your things to leave, you remember Logan's vaccine card. After filling out the final details, you head towards the kitchen where Leigh has silently drifted off. She's busying herself with breakfast on the stove when you approach.

“Here's Logan's vaccine card,” you say, handing it to her. “He needs another dose in two weeks, so don't forget to schedule that in.”

“Thank you,” Leigh says, accepting the card with a nod. “I won't forget this time.”

The aroma of coffee wafts through the room, tickling your nose.

“I've just made some coffee. Would you like to stay for breakfast?” Leigh asks.

You hesitate, considering the offer, but you’re inclined to refuse, still irked by her missing the previous appointments. “I’m good, thanks,” you say, a bit too briskly. Leigh's face falls slightly, a look of disappointment flashing across her eyes before she gives you a small, resigned smile and turns back to the stove.

You start to leave but something stops you—the frustration from Leigh’s no-shows running over. 

“Leigh, can I ask why you didn’t make it to the clinic? And not even a text,” you find yourself saying as you spin on your heels to face her. “It’s not just unprofessional—it hurts more coming from a friend.”

“If you have a problem with me, it’s perfectly okay to transfer Logan to another clinic as long as you’ll follow through with his appointments,” you suggest, noting her standing there, mouth agape, her vivid green eyes sharply focused. Getting that off your chest didn't bring the relief you expected. Instead, you're left with a sinking feeling of regret. Looking back on your words, you realize how petty they must have sounded.

Leigh on the other hand, is momentarily stunned by your outburst, her eyes wide as she absorbs your words. Then, something shifts in her expression, a flicker of intrigue crossing her features before she clears her throat and apologizes.

“I'm really sorry,” she says sincerely, turning off the stove and setting down her spatula. “I didn't handle things well, and you were right to call me out on it.” Leigh takes a careful step closer, causing you to instinctively step back until your lower back meets the edge of the dining table. You weren't expecting Leigh to be so understanding, leaving you unsure of how to react. Should you apologize for getting upset?

Fortunately, Leigh doesn't leave you to dwell on your thoughts for long. She continues, “Why don't you stay for breakfast? I can whip up something nice, and we can catch up like we used to. Please, let me make it up to you.”

Feeling like an absolute fool and still grappling with the aftertaste of your flare-up, you find yourself in a quandary. Rejecting her offer would just drag out this uncomfortable moment even longer, which is the last thing you want. Besides, your stomach is growling—you haven’t eaten anything since you got here, and the smell of brewing coffee is too good to ignore.

“Alright,” you relent, glancing down at your feet. “That sounds good.”

Leigh looks relieved. “Perfect, just give me a minute,” she says, clapping her hands together as she turns back to her cooking.

You linger awkwardly, still standing. “Need a hand with anything?” you ask.

“Just sit there, be all pretty, and relax.”

That little compliment makes your cheeks burn even hotter. If you weren’t so distracted by your hunger and embarrassment, you'd swear it’s almost as if she’s flirting with you.

Wait.

Is she?

Then, as if the universe can hear you thinking, Leigh’s phone buzzes loudly on the kitchen counter. She snatches it up, and even though you can’t see her face, you can tell she’s happy he called as she chirps, “Hey, Danny.”

Right. Danny Greer. That name shatters your brief daydream. Suzie was right—you're too close, and it's clouding your judgment. Leigh laughs into the phone, and you look away just in time for her to turn slightly and steal a glance at you.

Alright, you think, that's it. After this breakfast, it's time to really put some space between you and Leigh. You need to clear your head and let her have her space too. It's the best move, for the sake of your friendship and your sanity.

As Leigh busies herself in the kitchen, you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through your phone, not really focusing on anything. The sound of her laughter while she talks to Danny floats over to you, making you regret agreeing to stay for breakfast and blame your inability to say no to her.

She ends the call with a lingering smile and soon approaches with two plates in hand. Each has a stack of pancakes and two sunny-side-up eggs with the edges just crisped up how you like them. The fact that Leigh remembered leaves you speechless. It’s a small detail, but it makes you guilty for brooding and feeling all jealous. 

“I hope you still like your eggs this way,” Leigh says as she sets the table.

“Thank you,” you say warmly as Leigh pours coffee for both of you. Recalling her preference, you offer to add two sugars to her cup, and she rewards you with a small, appreciative smile. She then grabs the syrup from the fridge, along with two sets of utensils, and places them on the table.

You take a bite of the fluffy pancakes, perfectly cooked and deliciously light. “These are amazing, Leigh,” you say enthusiastically.

Leigh beams, standing a bit taller with pride instead of dismissing the praise. “I'm glad you think so! I've been working on perfecting the recipe.”

“Seriously, Leigh, you could sell these.”

She laughs. “Keep the compliments coming and I might just make you breakfast more often.”

You almost choke at her words. You really should take a little break from Leigh until you can get this crush under control. Even simple remarks are starting to feel like a tightrope walk.

Leigh tilts her head slightly, a coy look crossing her face. “So…” she drawls, leaving the word hanging as she waits for you to look up from your plate.

You stop chewing once you sense her heavy gaze on you. “Hmm?”

Leaning in slightly, she lowers her voice as though about to share a secret. “This Sara... is she a friend of yours? Someone new around here?”

The piece of pancake suddenly feels like a mouthful of sawdust as you process her question. You grab your coffee and take a quick gulp to help wash it down. “I, uh, met her on a dating app, actually,” you say.

Leigh's eyebrow arches. “Oh?” 

There’s a short, tense period where you repeatedly stab your pancake and tap your foot rapidly against the leg of the stool you’re sitting on, while Leigh twirls her hair around her finger, lost in thought.

“She’s gorgeous,” Leigh finally says. “I didn’t know you were into women.” That is, unless you and the person from her advice column are one and the same. She's chosen to approach what she's dubbed the “EspressoEyes conundrum” as a Schrödinger’s cat scenario, where you simultaneously do and do not have feelings for Leigh.

You fiddle with your coffee mug. “Yeah, I think I've mentioned that before,” you say, though your memory suddenly feels unreliable.

Leigh shakes her head, certain. “No, you definitely haven't told me that.”

“Well, yes, I'm into women, but obviously I like men too,” you say, deciding it's perhaps better to just be clear. 

“We're the same then,” she says casually, as if discussing something as mundane as their taste in movies.

“Really?” You’re hoping Leigh is buying the faux surprise on your face, even though Jules had let slip about Leigh's college days.

“Yeah,” Leigh nods. “I had a serious relationship with a woman back in college. It's not something I talk about much, but it's part of who I am.”

“I see.”

Leigh takes a slow sip of her coffee, eyeing you over the rim of her mug with a slight tilt of her head. 

“So, do you like her? Sara, I mean,” she asks.

“Yeah, she’s great. We get along really well.”

Leigh sets her coffee cup down with a small clink, not missing a beat. “Have you guys...you know, slept together?” she asks, more bluntly than before.

You shift uncomfortably in your seat, feeling a bit like you’re under interrogation. “Um…no, we haven’t.” 

A quick glint flashes in her eyes before it vanishes. Her shoulders relax as she leans back in her chair. “Sorry, that was out of line,” she mumbles with a curt, dismissive laugh. “I guess I'm just being nosy.”

The way she said it doesn't truly suggest she's sorry for crossing some lines, but you’re not focusing on that. Rather, you feel like you’ve earned the right to ask Leigh some questions about her own personal affairs.

“And you?” you start, trying to sound flippant. “How are things with you and Danny?”

Leigh matches your nonchalance as she stands up to gather the empty plates from the table. There's a smooth, practiced ease in the way she begins cleaning up, letting you know she's not about to let your questions corner her.

“Things are... going,” she replies, keeping it vague. “Danny's great. We're figuring things out as we go.”

“Where'd you meet him?” you ask, already knowing the answer.

“He's Matt's brother,” Leigh says flatly, without flinching. You have to give it to her for being so straightforward about it. Not that you’re judging Leigh or anything—it’s just that moving from in-laws to lovers is quite an unconventional transition.

It’s also possible that you’re just bitter.

“Did you always find him attractive?” you ask, almost spitefully, curiosity getting the better of you. Leigh freezes, her back going rigid at your callous words. There's a moment of visible tension, but then she lets out a slow breath and lets it slide. She had been quite direct in probing about your dating life, so perhaps this levels the playing field.

“No, it wasn’t like that,” Leigh says slowly. “I—”

“Oh hey, Y/N, it's been a while!”

Neither of you heard the front door open. Jules bursts in, holding Logan who's wagging his tail wildly at the sight of familiar faces, both oblivious to the cutting atmosphere they've just entered.

“Oh hey, Y/N, it's been a while!” Jules exclaims. She looks between you and Leigh. “Am I interrupting something?” she asks, noticing the residual stiffness in the air. 

“Y/N was just leaving,” Leigh says. 

You don’t need to be told twice. “Hey, Jules,” you say with a short wave. “I just came to give Logan his shots.” 

Jules frowns slightly as you start to leave so soon after her arrival. You reach over to give Logan a quick pat on the head. Turning to Leigh, you manage a tight smile and say, “Thanks for the breakfast.”

As soon as you're out the door, Jules turns to Leigh with a worried look. “What was all that about?” she asks softly.

Leigh shrugs, her expression inscrutable. “I don’t know what you mean,” she replies evenly, turning away to busy herself with the dishes.

-

You get into your car but instead of starting it, you just sit there motionless. Your hands rest aimlessly on the wheel as you lose yourself in thought.

Here’s the truth about Sara:

She's exactly your type on paper—blonde, blue-eyed, stunning. But despite all that, she hadn't managed to hold your attention. Her beauty just couldn't pull your mind away from Leigh, from her vivid green eyes that always seemed to see right through you.

The silence in the car allows you to realize what an odd question you had thrown at Leigh about Danny. You realize just how inappropriate it might have seemed, how it must have sounded coming from a place of jealousy rather than concern.

Why did you even ask that? The answer is uncomfortably clear: you can't be just friends with Leigh. Not anymore. You’ve been lying to yourself, hoping things would just sort themselves out. But they won’t. Not like this. You can’t keep doing this to yourself—or to her. 

Because right now, this friendship, if you can even call it that, is doing more harm than good.

-

“It’s not working.”

Suzie looks up from her clipboard, startled. Her red locks tumble across her face as she tilts her head, brushing them back with a quick flick of her hand.

“Seeing other people, you mean?” she asks, already guessing the root of your distress.

You run a hand through your hair, messing up your low ponytail. Frustrated, you decide to let your hair loose from the tie altogether. 

“I thought if I met someone like Sara—someone who’s practically a checklist of everything I find attractive—it would make things easier. But it’s just... not.” You massage your temples, as if trying to rub away the spell Leigh seems to have cast on you. “She's perfect, but she's not Leigh. And no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about Leigh.”

“You're right about one thing though,” Suzie says, getting back to her task.

“Which is…?” 

“That Sara’s perfect,” she chuckles, and you can't help but roll your eyes. “Look, you can’t force these feelings. If your heart’s not in it, it’s not in it.”

“So…Should I keep seeing her? Maybe she’ll grow on me or something.”

Suzie stops and gives you a serious look. “Maybe. But love shouldn't feel like an obligation, you know? It’s not fair to either of you if you’re just waiting to see if you’ll catch feelings.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” you acknowledge with a sigh. “She’s everything I thought I wanted. And I think she likes me.”

“Sometimes what we think we want isn’t what we really need,” Suzie answers. “Why not take a break? Give yourself some space to think. It might help you figure out what really works—whether it’s Sara, someone else, or just time to yourself.”

“You think so?”

Suzie gives a small shrug. “Look, I don’t have all the answers.”

Hearing that makes you feel a tad embarrassed. You’ve been leaning on her for advice a lot lately, and it’s probably awkward for her, especially since you're her boss. Maybe she’s just being nice because she has to be.

“Thanks, Sue,” you say, standing up from your chair to head back to your office. “I appreciate you listening to all this.”

She smiles back, and you can tell she’s relieved to move on from the subject. Suzie might not have all the answers, but maybe there’s another place you can find them.

-

That night, in your bedroom, you settle in front of your laptop, the cursor blinking expectantly on the blank submission form of the advice column. You type in your handle—EspressoEyes—a moniker you’d used before, thinking it would increase your chances of being noticed again. Quickly, you type out your query and hit send, watching as it disappears into the digital ether. No sooner have you shut your laptop than your phone rings. It’s your mom.

“Hey, Mom,” you answer, shifting to sit against your headboard.

“Hi, sweetheart! Are you coming home for Thanksgiving? We’re starting to plan the menu and would love to have you,” she says. Your chest tightens. Just hearing her voice makes you feel like you’re already home. You pretend to think for a second, considering your rather empty social calendar.

“Yeah, I’ll come home,” you decide, realizing it might be nice to get away for a bit.

“Oh good! It’s been too long. We’ll make sure to have all your favorites,” she chatters on, already listing the dishes that would normally make you salivate. But these days, you just don’t have the appetite for food.

“Sounds great, Mom. Really looking forward to it.” 

You hang up with a promise to send your flight details soon. Setting your phone down, you feel a slight relief at the thought of escaping to a place where no one knows about the mess you’re in.

-

Leigh can’t sleep. She lies wide awake, staring at the ceiling while Danny's snores fill the room. The weight of his arm draped over her stomach feels stifling, trapping her in place. She can’t breathe. Carefully, so as not to wake him, she slips out from under his arm and tiptoes out of the bedroom. In the hallway, she grabs one of his shirts hanging over a chair and slips it on. It smells like sandalwood and something uniquely him—comforting yet somehow off-putting at the same time.

She pads into the kitchen to boil some water, the soft click of the stove burner igniting a comforting sound in the otherwise quiet apartment. With the kettle on, she wanders into the living room, pulling Danny's shirt closer around her. Even with the windows closed, the crisp chill of autumn seeps in.

Sitting on the couch, Leigh pulls her knees to her chest. The post-sex cocktail of oxytocin and vasopressin usually knocks her out, but tonight they fail her. Instead, her mind is filled with doubts and the urge to flee from any kind of closeness.

She remembers the last conversation with you, the disapproval on your face when you finally mentioned her relationship with Danny. It troubles her more than she expected. Were you right? Is she just scrambling to fit someone, anyone, into her life, even if it means ignoring the screams inside her head telling her to run?

The kettle whistles, snapping her out of her thoughts. She makes her tea and settles back into the couch, stirring slowly as she thinks about what it might mean to step back from everything—Danny, you, all of it.

With nothing but time until sleep takes her or the sun rises—whichever comes first—Leigh picks up her phone to distract herself. She scrolls through social media, news articles, anything to keep her mind off the spinning thoughts. Eventually, she wanders to the advice column inbox to check on the latest submissions.

Her breath catches in her throat when she sees another entry from EspressoEyes, a handle she recognizes—possibly yours. It reads:

“Is it wise to pursue other relationships if you have strong feelings for someone else? That someone is a friend, and staying just friends is becoming increasingly difficult. My feelings seem to be putting a strain on our relationship. Should I give myself some space?”

Leigh reads the message two more times. She sets her phone down, her thumb instinctively finding its way to her mouth where she nibbles at the nail, a nervous habit when she’s thinking long and hard. And the more she thinks about it, the more obvious it becomes. Of course, she's the friend you're talking about. This is you, openly struggling with your feelings for her. She had hoped things might change, might become less complicated when Sara came into the picture, but she was mistaken. 

When she asked about Sara, Leigh was trying to gauge your feelings for her, wondering if Sara's presence meant she didn't need to worry about whether you were EspressoEyes or not. In her mind, if you were involved with Sara, it would imply you weren't interested in Leigh. But she surprised even herself by asking if you had slept with Sara, unsure why she needed to know that detail. Deep down, she couldn’t openly admit just how relieved she felt when you told her you hadn’t.

Leigh picks up her phone again and starts typing out a reply to the submission. When she’s done she tosses her phone somewhere on the couch and goes back to her tea. Sitting there, she watches as the sky outside shifts from dark to a wash of pastels. 

-

A week later, Leigh’s phone vibrates incessantly on the table, the screen lighting up with Danny's name again. Finally, with a frustrated sigh, she turns it off and sets it aside. They've been cycling through breakups and makeups so often it's exhausting—a twisted routine, one that's leaving her more drained each time. 

It's Halloween, and since she and Danny are off again, Leigh decides to take the night for herself. She picks Matt's favorite restaurant, which is fully decked out for the holiday, with jack-o'-lanterns lining the walls and eerie candles flickering on each table. She orders a pumpkin-spiced latte and a small plate of appetizers, settling in to enjoy her evening solo. Later, she’ll have that tiramisu that her late husband so adored.

Matt always loved this holiday because it was the one time of year Leigh would indulge him by dressing up as whatever comic book character he was into at the moment. They'd start the evening here for pre-dinner celebrations before meeting up with friends and family later on. But tonight, there are no costumes for Leigh; she's dressed simply in jeans and a cardigan, her face free of makeup, her hair tucked behind her ears to keep it out of the way while she eats. 

As she waits, she watches families and couples in costumes come and go, a bittersweet creeping up at her.

Then, you walk in. You’re dressed sharply, scanning the room like you're meeting someone—on a date. Leigh catches her breath. Were you aware that this was Matt’s favorite restaurant? Moreover, it’s been almost two weeks since that awkward morning when you left in a haste. You haven’t noticed her yet. Leigh watches you for a moment, debating what to do. She’s torn between going over or staying put. The last she contributed to the advice column, she’d left a message she hoped you'd find useful if you were indeed the person she’s been advising to. From the look of things, maybe you were taking that advice after all.

Taking a deep breath, Leigh stands and walks over. As you turn and notice her, a small, tentative smile appears on her lips when your eyes meet.

“Hey.”

You return the smile, though it's imbued with a bit of wariness. She appreciates it nonetheless.

“Hey,” you say. 

Leigh doesn't beat around the bush; she gets straight to the point of why she came over. “Look, I'm sorry,” she says, the words coming out almost demandingly. “About last time. I crossed a line asking about Sara.” 

There's an unmistakable assertiveness to her apology, carrying the same confidence and directness with which she usually addresses any issue. She doesn’t bow her head or wring her hands; instead, she holds your gaze steadily, expecting her apology to be taken as seriously as she means it. 

“It’s okay. I wasn’t exactly in line myself when I brought up Danny,” you say, looking up at her. Then, searching for something else to say, you ask, “So, are you here to meet Danny?”

Leigh seems unfazed by the mention of Danny, yet again. You feel a bit silly soon after, realizing that after just acknowledging the awkwardness of digging into each other’s romantic lives, here you are, doing it again. You just can’t help yourself, can you?

“No. I’m on my own tonight,” she replies. Then she mirrors your earlier question, a slight tilt to her head. “And you? Here with Sara?”

“No, things didn’t push through with Sara. I’m meeting someone new,” you say, the words feeling strange as they come out. It was a simple yes or no question, and you're not quite sure what compelled you to open up about the specifics of your dating life.

Leigh just nods, her face neutral, not giving away anything in reaction to your news. “I should let you get back to your, uh, date,” she says, then quietly returns to her seat.

Having a date with a stranger just a few feet away from the woman you truly care about is about as ironic as the universe can be.

-

You’re on your second americano, the bitter taste barely registering as you glance at your watch for the umpteenth time. It's been thirty minutes past the time your date was supposed to arrive, and there's still no sign of him. 

The restaurant has filled up around you. Families are tucked into booths, laughing and sharing plates piled high with food. Groups of friends clink glasses in cheerful toasts, and couples lean close, whispering and smiling over candlelit tables. Sitting alone at a table set for two, you start to feel conspicuously isolated. 

The last two texts you sent within the hour remain unanswered, their blue bubbles on the screen marking the time you spent waiting. Determined to find some explanation, you open the dating app where you met him, your fingers tapping nervously. There, his profile pops up, showing that he is currently online. Relief washes over you for a moment—maybe there's a reasonable explanation. He might still show up. But as you tap the message icon to send him a query about his whereabouts, a sudden notification stops you: you can no longer message this user.

Feeling disheartened and embarrassed, you can’t help but feel all kinds of ugly for being stood up by someone who doesn’t even mean anything to you. Did he see you waiting and decide not to meet? What about you turned him off? You find yourself scrutinizing everything about your appearance. Was it what you were wearing—perhaps not feminine enough for his taste? Your hair was pulled back, exposing your forehead; maybe he didn't like that look. Or was it your posture—too slouched or too stiff? You even wonder if he might have passed someone else on his way here, someone he found more attractive. It's unsettling to realize how quickly the self-confidence you've spent years building can be shaken in just one evening.

You signal the waiter for the check. Although your stomach is growling, the thought of eating anything seems impossible right now. You're just focused on getting out of there as quickly as you can. Just as you finish paying, Leigh appears at your table. Without a word, she slides into the seat across from you. You're surprised to see her, and although you're not really in the mood for company or conversation, her presence is somehow less intrusive than you would expect.

“I couldn't help but notice your date never arrived,” Leigh comments with an amused smile, inadvertently adding salt to the wound. You think to yourself, Way to rub it in, Leigh, but you're too drained to actually say anything confrontational, so you just mumble a small, “Yeah.”

Leigh leans in a bit closer, lowering her voice as if she's about to let you in on a secret. 

“Want to get out of here?”

-

It’s definitely not a date. Far from it.

It’s just two friends winding up spending Halloween together by chance.

It’s what Leigh keeps telling herself.

Leigh didn’t know what came over her when she went back to your table. She hadn't thought she'd be asking you to ditch the restaurant and wander the city for the rest of the night—together. What she did know was that she had been eating unusually slowly, glancing over at you occasionally to see how your evening was unfolding. But as it became painfully obvious that your date was a no-show, she couldn’t take it; seeing you left to handle the disappointment alone was more than she could bear.

Turning to Leigh in your car, you ask, “Do you mind if we stop first at the 7-Eleven on Main? I haven't had dinner yet.”

“What kind of dinner can you get from a 7-Eleven?” she asks.

You shrug and say, “Donuts.”

At the 7-Eleven, you grab a box of assorted donuts, and on a whim, you also pick up a few cans of beer to go along with them. With snacks in hand, you drive to a spot that overlooks the city—the same one where Leigh took you after getting takeouts the first time around. It’s not secluded—there’s a small crowd, with several cars parked and groups of people lounging on their car hoods.

“I wasn’t always attracted to him,” Leigh murmurs, after finishing her first beer. You both sit side-by-side with the trunk of your car open, swinging your legs while Leigh’s are crossed over the edge of the trunk.

You glance over at her, a curious ‘Hm?’ escaping your lips, though they're still full of donuts. 

Leigh chuckles at your reaction, finding the sight of your cheeks stuffed with food more endearing than she probably should. 

“Danny,” she clarifies with a sigh. “I actually used to hate him. He was always such a burden on Matt. Always dragging him into trouble.”

You think about what she's said, then offer a perspective, “You know, they say hate isn't the opposite of love, it's indifference. So maybe there’s always been something there, something more than just annoyance.”

Leigh leans back, stretching her arms out behind her for support as she considers your point. You find yourself wondering what's going through her mind. Is your honesty drawing her even closer to Danny? You could have exploited her past feelings, suggesting that maybe she's always disliked Danny and is confusing her loneliness for love. But you choose not to manipulate her emotions, even if it might be easy to sway her. You won't take advantage of her vulnerability just to get what you want.

Though you can’t deny that the temptation is there. 

“Leigh, can I ask you a question?” you say, watching her closely. 

She nods, her face open and expectant as she pops open another can of beer.

“How did you find out about me and Matt?”

Leigh takes a sip before answering. “Didn’t I mention it before?”

You purse your lips and shake your head, maintaining a neutral expression as you encourage her to elaborate.

“Danny told me,” Leigh reveals after a brief pause.

“What exactly did he tell you?” 

Leigh hesitates, her eyes flickering to the side before meeting yours again. She sets the can down, her fingers drumming against the aluminum in a slow, rhythmic pattern. 

“He just flat-out told me one night. I didn't believe him at first, so he mentioned your name to prove it, and I pieced together the rest. I tried to learn everything I could about you, where you lived... and that’s how I discovered your clinic in the city. And I... well, you know the rest,” she says. From what Leigh said, you easily conclude that Danny hadn't come clean to her about his role in facilitating your relationship with Matt. He had conveniently removed himself from the narrative, leaving out his involvement entirely. Lost in thought, you don't realize you've grown quiet until Leigh's voice pulls you back.

“Why do you ask?”

If you answer that question, you don’t believe you can continue hiding the truth about Danny any longer. As you watch Leigh, relaxed in the back of your car, her hair tousled by the gentle evening breeze, you're torn. You're afraid of disrupting her peace. The truth, as it often has, seems only to bring her pain. So, you buy yourself some time to think. 

“Do you ever wish he had just kept it to himself? That you never knew any of this?”

Leigh appears briefly disconcerted by the question. She takes some time to think about how to respond, and you give her the time she needs, reaching for another piece of donut from the box. At this rate, you're on track to polish off half a dozen all by yourself.

“Knowing the truth hurt—a lot. It felt like I was suddenly a stranger to my own life,” Leigh says, looking somewhere distant before her eyes return to you. “But then again, knowing has changed how I see things, how I see him—and even how I see you. It’s given me a chance to see things as they really are, not just how I want them to be.”

“You never would’ve met me,” you say with a light-hearted grin, almost suggesting that maybe it was better she hadn’t. But Leigh gives you a look, a gentle sadness in her eyes that makes it clear she doesn’t entertain the thought of not having met you.

“What about you? Do you wish things had stayed hidden?” she asks, turning the question back on you.

A part of you—a very significant part—trembles on the edge of laying bare your feelings for her.

Fiddling with the edge of the donut box, you let a small smile flicker across your lips, but it doesn't reach your eyes. “There's something to be said for not knowing everything. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss,” you say softly. “I mean, not knowing can save you from a lot of unnecessary heartache.”

As you speak, you’re still weighing whether knowing Leigh is turning into an unnecessary heartbreak.

Leigh nods slowly, the corners of her mouth lifting in a bittersweet smile. “Well, when you put it that way, maybe not knowing some things is for the best.”

It feels like a silent agreement on that fine line between knowing everything and being happier not knowing. Perhaps what you can do for now is spare Leigh from her own unnecessary heartbreak. If what she has with Danny is working, why ruin it?

“You know what's missing here? Music,” Leigh muses, reaching for her third beer. “Oh, and you better keep up,” she adds, glancing at the single beer you’ve had.

“Or how about you pace yourself? I'd hate for the party to end too soon for you,” you quip slyly. 

Leigh grins, unfazed by your warning. She leans closer, and her breath, warmed by the beers, brushes against your cheek. “Speaking of parties, I actually got invited to this Halloween bash tonight. Everyone's supposed to be in costume, and there will definitely be music. We should go. What do you say?”

You pretend to think about it, but you’re already clearing out your trunk and hopping off it as you reply, “Well, you did say you needed music.”

-

A party isn’t really your scene.

Leigh is already tipsy by the time you both arrive at it. People are either clad in bulky costumes or barely dressed at all. Halloween decorations dangle from the ceiling, a foot or two above the faces of the revelers as strobe lights flash in erratic bursts. You weave through a crowd of zombies and sexy nurses, the bass from the DJ's speakers vibrating under your feet.

As you're both making your way toward the bar, a co-worker spots Leigh and pulls her aside excitedly. “Leigh, over here!” they shout over the noise, grabbing her arm. She turns back to you with a slightly apologetic grin. “Just a sec, I'll catch up!” she promises, before being swallowed by the crowd, her hand slipping from your arm.

But that was half an hour ago.

Now, you're feeling dizzy from the alcohol that's been keeping you company in Leigh's absence, and the sea of masked and painted faces around you is starting to merge into a blur. You round a corridor that brings you back to the main room and finally, you spot her. Leigh is near the dance floor, laughing with a group dressed in characters you don’t recognize. She sees you and waves excitedly, her movements a bit too exaggerated. You make your way over, dodging a particularly enthusiastic witch.

“Found you,” you say, as you reach her side.

Leigh grins, her eyes bright. “Dance with me!” she yells over the music, grabbing your hand and pulling you toward the throng of sweaty bodies. Too exhausted to argue, you let her lead you into the chaos. As the music takes over and you both start to dance, the rest of the party fades into the background. Leigh's hand is warm in yours, her other hand reaching up to loop around your neck. The music swells, and the crowd presses in, pushing you closer together. Her breath is sweet with the tang of alcohol, and her cheeks are flushed.

Leigh’s movements become less and less coordinated as she leans into you, her body heavenly against yours. Her lips come dangerously close to yours, barely brushing against them, and for a moment—surrounded by her warmth and scent—you're tempted. You want her, deeply, irrevocably—

But not like this.

You firm your hands on her hips, pushing her slightly away. “Hey, let's get some air, yeah?” you suggest calmly despite your heart going crazy in your chest.

She looks up at you, a bit confused but nods, her smile unfaltering. You take her hand again and guide her off the dance floor. Moving through the crowd proves to be a challenge with Leigh's unsteady steps. She stumbles, laughing as she clings to your arm for support.

“I almost ate it back there!” she exclaims, still giggling.

“Yeah, you did,” you mutter distractedly. As the festive sounds of the party fade behind the closed door, reality slaps you both with a sobering chill. Leigh is simply too drunk, and you’re almost a fool for nearly taking advantage of that. You can't concentrate on anything but what nearly happened back there.

You feel Leigh’s hand slip back into yours, slotting in place like magnets that just fit together. Her laughter has quieted, and she leans into you slightly, resting her head on your shoulder. It's then you realize that a drunken Leigh is more affectionate and less aware of physical boundaries—dangerous.

“You know, maybe we should call it a night? I can take you home,” you suggest, making an effort not to lean into her, even though the intoxicating mix of her shampoo and the faint scent of sweat beckons you closer.

Her reaction is immediate and surprisingly lucid. “I can’t go home like this,” Leigh protests, straightening up. “Jules has her own Halloween thing tonight, and I can't show up drunk and be seen like this by her. She’s been sober for a year now; I can’t just...” Her voice trails off, filled with worry. 

You glance at your wrist and see it's already 2 AM. A sigh escapes you as the reality of your early morning responsibilities begins to weigh in. You have to be up in four hours to open the clinic at 8 AM, and staying out to make sure Leigh fully sobers up is far from feasible. Leigh appears exhausted, her eyes heavy, even as she tries to muster a smile.

“Listen, Leigh,” you say, eyeing a practical solution. “I have an early start tomorrow, and you look like you need some rest. How about you crash at my place tonight? You can sleep it off and head home in the morning when you’re feeling better.”

Leigh seems to consider this for a moment, her gaze drifting towards the street where groups of men glance their way as they pass by. Finally, she nods meekly, looking relieved.

“That sounds really good right now. My head feels heavy, and I just want to go to sleep,” she mumbles, letting out a weary sigh and rubbing her eyes. You help her to her feet and steady her as you both walk back to your car, which is fortunately parked nearby. Leigh curls up in the passenger seat, and you crack the windows to let in some fresh air.

Once home, you give Leigh some clothes to change into and then start setting up the couch for yourself, grabbing an extra pillow and blanket from the cupboard. As you turn back a while later, you see Leigh, in her slightly tipsy state, misinterpreting your preparations. She gives a small, tired smile and plops down onto the couch. Reacting quickly, you catch her just before she falls completely into it.

“W-What are you doing?” she whispers, surprised as she finds herself practically in your arms, half-carried in a bridal style.

You feel the heat rise from your cheeks to your chest, aware of how close she is. “This is for me,” you say, nodding towards the couch, “you’re taking the bed.”

To avoid any further confusion, you slowly lift her up, wrapping an arm securely around her waist as you guide her to your bedroom. Leigh’s head remains tucked in your neck, her body relaxed and yielding as you move.

“You really don’t have to do this,” she mumbles against your skin, though her tone suggests she’s grateful for your care. You don’t see the blush that has crept to her own cheeks, your eyes fixed straight ahead.

“It’s no trouble at all,” you assure her as you gently set her down on your bed. “Make yourself comfortable. The mattress’ much better for a good night's sleep.”

Leigh nods, pulling the covers around her. “Thank you,” she says, her voice soft and more sober now.

“Anytime,” you respond with a reassuring smile. “Good night, Leigh.” You close the bedroom door softly behind you and retreat to the couch. 

“Good night, Y/N…” Leigh whispers to herself, a faint smile touching her lips as she nestles deeper into the bed. 

#unbetad #my writing #my fic #elizabeth olsen x reader #elizabeth olsen #leigh shaw x reader #leigh shaw x female reader #leigh shaw #sorry for your loss au #leigh shaw x you #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff x you #sorry i had to tag wanda x reader for visibility

[vigilante-3073]

Blue Or Pink?

James Wilson x Female Reader

Summary: House makes some observations about Doctor Y/N L/N. He is absolutely certain that she is pregnant with Wilson's child, but something seems amiss.

TW: Pregnancy, mentions of weight gain/breast size/nausea and vomiting/miscarriage, medical diagnosis.

House stood outside the Pediatric unit, watching Doctor L/N-Wilson through the window as she spoke with the parents of a patient. She had been married to Wilson for almost two years and things had been stable.

Normal.

Predictable.

But House began to notice small changes in Doctor L/N-Wilson. At first they seemed insignificant, but then the little nothings turned into big somethings.

First it was the tiredness, she'd whine about being exhausted before resting her head on Wilson's shoulder in the cafeteria. It was nothing special, just an overworked Pediatrician who gave everything to her patients.

Secondly, House noticed a change in how she responded to smells. She refused to kiss Wilson after he drank his morning coffee, the smell making her stomach churn. It could have been an anomaly, but then he changed his cologne. Wilson liked his cologne and had used the same one for as long as House had known him. A new cologne could have been gifted to him, but Wilson wouldn't have used a different scent without some other motivation. It seemed obvious to House that L/N's smell-associated nausea had caused the switch.

Thirdly, it was how emotional she had become. L/N had always been an emotional lightweight with a heart of gold, but House could see a difference in her. She didn't seek out comfort from Wilson on a routine basis, only when she had lost someone or experienced an emotionally taxing case. Then he noticed her coming and going from his best friend's office with red, watery eyes at least once a week. Her heightened emotional state could be due to the loss of some boring little rugrat who drew her a picture of a butterfly once, but it seemed more intense than that.

Fourth thing he noticed was the vomiting, she was very discreet about sneaking away to upchuk in the hospital bathroom, but not discreet enough to escape his watchful eye. She was constantly chewing mint gum or sucking on breath mints while carrying a toothbrush in the pocket of her lab coat.

Fifth thing was an increase in cup size and a sudden progressive weight gain. It wasn't anything excessive, but it was enough to have her clothing fit more snugly before she gave up and bought new clothes.

Sixth was the appointment. Wilson and L/N snuck away to an "early lunch" after talking to Cuddy. They were both Department heads and didn't need to speak to the Dean of Medicine before stepping out for an hour.

The anomalies were piling up into a rather perfect list of symptoms.

Chase made his way over to House, frowning as he stared through the glass, "What are you looking at?" Chase asked.

"Doctor L/N-Wilson," House stated.

His eyes followed her as she separated from the parents, walking over to the nursing station.

"Why?" Chase asked uncertainly.

"She has a parasite," House said, Chase's head snapped in his boss' direction.

"What? How do you know?" Chase questioned, turning to look at her again.

"I just know. It would take too long to explain," House said, turning and walking off.

...

Wilson and L/N sat on the couch in their apartment, her back was leaned against his side and her legs were stretched out across the couch cushions. Wilson's arm was wrapped around her as he flipped through the channels on the television. L/N stared down at her book, turning the page before closing her eyes and leaning her head on his shoulder.

"You alright?" He asked, looking down at her.

"Tired," She sighed.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Wilson questioned.

"No, I'll be okay. I like spending time with you," L/N said, eyes fluttering open.

Wilson smiled, pressing a kiss to her head as she returned to her book. He turned his head towards the television before someone knocked at the door.

L/N sat up, setting her book down on the cushion beside her.

"I'll get it," Wilson said, setting the remote down and making his way over to the door.

He opened the door, sighing when he saw House standing on his doorstep.

"Your wife has a parasite," House stated.

"Thank you so much for letting us know. We'll have her admitted for treatment in the morning," Wilson said sarcastically, "Goodnight, House," Wilson stated, moving to close the door.

House stuck his foot in the doorway, blocking the door from closing before pushing his way into their apartment.

"House, what are you doing here?" L/N asked.

"You have a parasite, Doctor L/N-Wilson," He said.

"No, I don't. Go home, House," She said, standing up from the couch and moving to step past him.

"It has arms and legs. It looks adorable in a onesie. Chromosomes of XX or XY with eyes like mommy and glorious hair like daddy. Lucky bugger will even get two Christmases when you two separate," House said.

"We're not separating," Wilson snapped.

"That's besides the point," House said, returning his attention to L/N, "Oh, and I stumbled across this," House said, holding up a document displaying a positive pregnancy blood test result.

"How did you-" She started, snatching the paper from his hand, "Did you break into my office? And my desk?" L/N questioned incredulously.

"I should be saying mazel tov. Congratulations on the little rugrat," House said.

L/N smacked him in the arm, "You're an ass," She snapped, folding up the paper.

"I thought you'd be screaming it from the rooftops," House said.

"Forgive me for being cautious," She huffed, sitting back down on the couch.

"You're almost four months along. Way past the danger zone for early miscarriage," House stated, eyes flickering over her.

House looked up at Wilson, he shook his head, silently pleading with his friend not to continue.

"You've lost a pregnancy before," House said.

"House-" "Three," L/N replied, looking up at him.

"House, get out," Wilson said.

"He was going to find out at some point, James. I'm surprised he didn't steal my medical records already," L/N said.

"Another hospital, too much work," House shrugged.

"Can you grab a copy of the sonogram?" She asked, Wilson nodded, making his way down the hallway before returning with a photograph.

He held it out to House, he took the photo and stared down at it, "The fetus has your nose," House said, "Mind if I keep this?" He asked.

"Sure," L/N nodded, leaning back against the couch.

"Why do you- You know what? Nevermind," Wilson sighed, sitting down beside L/N and wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

"I'll see myself out. Congratulations on the kid," House said, making his way over to the door and out of their apartment.

...

House sat at his desk, staring down at the sonogram as his team discussed their most recent case. House tilted his head, thumb brushing over a darkened area on the scan.

"House?" Cameron questioned loudly.

He looked up to find Chase, Cameron and Foreman staring at him expectantly. House turned the sonogram photo and held it up for the team to see, "New case. Tell me what's wrong with this picture," He said.

Cameron huffed, "We need to solve our first case before moving on to something else. We should do a transesophageal echo to rule out a blood clot and to-" "Sure, but first, tell me what's wrong with this picture," House repeated.

Chase squinted, leaning in closer to view the sonogram, "Looks fine to me. Roughly four months along, I'd say," Chase shrugged, straightening back up.

"Wrong, thanks for playing. You two," House said, looking up at Foreman and Cameron.

Cameron shook her head before letting out a defeated sigh, she leaned in and scanned the sonogram silently.

"The fetus is undersized for gestational age. Can we go now?" Foreman asked.

"Nope. Try again," House said.

"There's a mass," Cameron said softly, taking the sonogram from House's hand.

"Yeah, it's called a baby," Chase muttered.

"No, there's a membrane around it," She said, stepping over to the x-ray view box and holding it up to the light.

House stood from his chair, staring at the sonogram over her shoulder. He took the photograph from her hand, "Do the echo," House said, grabbing his cane and heading towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Cameron asked.

"To locate a pregnant woman," House stated.

...

L/N made her way across the lobby towards the clinic, "Y/N," Wilson called. She turned to face him, "Did House page you?" Wilson asked.

"Yeah, did he page you too?" L/N questioned.

"This can't be anything good," Wilson muttered, hand resting on the small of her back as they entered the clinic.

They made their way over to the exam room House had paged them to.

L/N knocked before opening the door, she and her husband stepped into the exam room, "What do you need, House?" L/N asked.

"You. Hop up on the table," House instructed, pulling over the portable ultrasound machine.

"House, she already has an obstetrician," Wilson said.

"Well, your obstetrician is an idiot," House said, turning on the ultrasound machine.

"I'm going back to work," L/N sighed, stepping over to the door.

"I saw something in your sonogram," House stated.

L/N hesitated, "What was it?" She asked.

"I have an idea, but I need to get a look at the thing," House said, gesturing to the exam table.

L/N looked over at Wilson before reluctantly getting up on the table and laying back. Wilson moved over to her side as she pulled up her blouse.

House squeezed some gel onto her belly before moving the wand across her skin. The soft thump of their baby's heartbeat filled the room as House stared up at the screen.

"Your baby has a roommate... Sneaky little sucker that leaves its dishes in the sink and trashes the place so they lose the security deposit," House said, typing on the keyboard.

"What is it?" Wilson asked, holding onto her hand tightly.

House turned the screen towards them, "A cyst," He said.

"It's solid," Wilson said softly, stomach dropping as he saw the possibly cancerous mass growing in his wife's belly. The oncologist within him already formulating treatment plans and survival rates.

"Sometimes. This week it's solid, two weeks ago it was liquid," House said, holding up the previous sonogram.

"I have cancer?" L/N mumbled shakily, eyes glossing over with tears as she looked up at Wilson.

"Nope, think hairy with a nasty bite," House said.

"A dermoid cyst?" L/N questioned.

"Bingo," House said, "Your baby is small for gestational age, but your fundal height is bang on. Someone else is taking up space," House said.

"Your miscarriages hid the symptoms and the cyst is likely to create more problems as it continues to grow. I scheduled you for a laproscopic removal tomorrow evening and notified your idiotic OB," House continued, putting down the ultrasound wand.

He held up a tissue, allowing L/N to wipe the gel from her stomach. She pulled down her blouse and sat up on the exam table.

"I still want to test your blood for cancer markers, but the chances of a dermoid cyst being cancerous are slim to none," House said, standing from his stool and gathering supplies.

"Your hubby can do all the testing," House said.

He tied the tourniquet around her arm and drew a few vials of blood to test. Wilson stood close to her side, his hand resting against her back reassuringly as they processed the information.

"Did the cyst cause my miscarriages?" She asked softly.

House shrugged, "Probably... The ugly thing is taking up all the beachfront property and keeping it from possible long-term residents. Bad for business, especially if business involves pregnancy," House said.

L/N huffed a laugh, leaning into Wilson's chest as a tear rolled down her cheek. Wilson pressed a kiss to the top of her head, wrapping his arm around her waist securely.

"The baby is going to be okay," Wilson assured, L/N nodded.

"I'll leave you two to do whatever married people do," House said, grabbing the vials of blood and his cane.

"House, wait," L/N said, pulling away from Wilson. She hopped off the table and stepped over to House.

He stiffened as she hugged him before slowly wrapping his arms around her, "Thank you," She said softly.

"You're welcome," House replied.

#gregory house #gregory house x reader #james wilson x you #james wilson x reader #james wilson imagine #james wilson #house md imagine #house imagine #house md #james wilson x female reader

[thefallennightmare]

Headcanon for dad-to-be Jesse cash🫣🫣🫣. I feel like he’d be the most wholesome guy ever, would be brining you all the food, attending all the appointments and being sososososo fluffy in general

Jesse would get you anything you craved or needed.

2 AM and you want chocolate ice cream? He'd run to the twenty four hour mart across town to get it for you.

You want pickles and cream cheese? With a smile, he'd bring you a plate full even though to him, it sounded gross.

In the first trimester, he's there holding your hair up and rubbing your back as you spend most days over the toilet, puking.

He's there in bed with you when you're so exhausted in the first trimester and all you want to do is sleep.

In the second trimester, you're absolutely glowing; especially when the two of you are in a sunflower field for your maternity shoot. Bryan said he would take your pictures.

"You're literal sunshine, sweetheart," Jesse mused as you stood a few feet in front of him, with the sunset as your background.

He made every single appointment, watching intently with each ultrasound and listening with a smile to the heartbeat.

You wanted to wait to find out the gender until the baby was born. But you had names picked out. You surprisingly agreed with his suggestions.

During the third trimester was really rough. You gained a lot of weight and felt terrible about how you looked. But Jesse made sure to worship you any chance he got.

When you were 36 weeks, you were ordered to strict bed rest because of some complications.

Jesse was beside himself because he was on tour with Erra and he couldn't be there with you so he had Noah check in on you whenever he could.

Every morning and night, Jesse would Facetime you to talk with the baby and keep up his traditions of singing to you guys.

38 weeks and your water broke when you got up to use the bathroom.

Jesse was on his way back home from tour, on the plane and six hours away. But you were unable to reach him so you called Noah to drive you to the hospital.

Noah finally got a hold of Jesse as he walked through the doors of the airport.

"How is she? Did she have the baby?" Jesse was breathless as he and JT ran to the waiting Uber for them.

"She's okay, she just got the epidural so she's not in pain. She's only at four centimeters but the doctor said that can change fast so get here as soon as you can," Noah said as he watched you sleep for the first time in a few hours since arriving at the hospital.

Less than an hour later, you were ten centimeters and doctors were ordering you to push.

"No!" You screamed while crushing Noah's hand. "Jesse's not here yet!"

Noah rubbed your back. "It's okay, Y/N. He'll be here."

Suddenly the door to the room busted open and a flustered Jesse pushed his way through the group of doctors and nurses.

"Sweetheart, I'm here!"

"You're late," you said through gritted teeth.

"I'll make it up to you," he kissed the sweat away from your forehead, relieving Noah.

With a crushed hand held tight to his chest, Noah wished you two good luck before leaving the room to wait in the waiting room.

Three hours later, you and Jesse were snuggled up in the hospital bed, staring down at your son bundled up in blankets.

"He has your nose," Jesse whispered while bopping it.

You brushed away the hat from the baby's head, showing the headful of dark curls. "He has your hair."

#tina talks #jesse cash #jesse cash headcannons #the fallen nightmare headcannons #erra #ghost atlas

[cutiedwaekki]

mr policeman ♡

— hey mister policeman i don't want no trouble

Changbin x Seungmin

summary : Where a Changbin overwhelmed by work follows the recommendations of his colleague Seungmin. But should he have?

contain : weight gain , weight gain denial , mention of thight clothes , button popping , public humiliation (?) , police AU

A/n : GUYS I'M FINALLY ON HOLIDAY YESS and my arms is a bit better now so here is a long awaited fic that I had in my drafts ♡

Enjoy ♡

☆ミU^ェ^U☆ミ

—I fucking told my mom I'd be there tonight. She's gonna kill me. muttered the brunette as she filled out the paperwork they'd assigned him.

The District 9 police station seemed quiet, but it was full of officer just as passionate about their thirst for justice as they were about their work.

It's very simple: here, Seo Changbin, inspector, had to fill in the case file 143, since Jeongin, who was in charge of the case with him, had broken his arm by chasing the criminal.

The poor man was so stressed, and his poor mother kept sending him messages to make some blind dates for him. In fact, it was another date he'd missed that evening.

—Sunbae, you seem tense, are you okay? Asked then asked his colleague and office neighbor Seungmin.

The two of them had a Tom and Jerry kind of relationship, always bickering, but caring for each other only when things got really bad.

— Oh, it's nothing, but between my mother, the work I have to manage on top of Jeongin's chores and my neighbors who fuck every night, I think it'll be a miracle if I don't throw him in the Han River by the end of the week. The brunette massaged his temple , causing his friend to chuckle, and as if a light bulb had gone on above his head, he suggested something. I've got a good stress reliever I bet that could help. No sooner had he said this than Changbin turned his full attention to him. When I finish a file or feel I need it, I eat a praline, which motivates me to finish quickly and get my fix.

Changbin wasn't convinced, but no sooner had he mentioned it than Seungmin shoved a handful of pralines into his mouth, leaving Changbin to macerate them before swallowing. The sweet taste of the caramel that coated the peanut was a delight, an unimaginable sweetness, it was as if all his problems had vanished.

— See ? It works! exclaimed Seungmin proudly. Yes, I admit it, where did you buy them? Changbin asked curiously.

Seungmin simply smiled wryly, at least he had helped his friend to get better and was no longer preoccupied with his files or the messages his mother had sent telling him that Yeri's appointment was waiting for him.

☆ミU^ェ^U☆ミ

— And another box finished, it's time for what? Praline time. The brunette seemed to have acquired the happy habit of grunting an praline ever since Seungmin had told him about it. He wasn't going to admit it, but from the first day he'd gone to bought some directly, he'd only taken one packet, thinking that given his stress, one would be enough. But when after two days the whole pack was emptied without a single crumb, he went back to the store and took a stock so he'd never run out.

Because yes, one praline was never enough, you needed at least one pignet to get the taste in your mouth, like a lollipop that you suck until there's nothing left.

But is eating so much hard-boiled caramel-coated kosher good for your health when you spend eight hours a day sitting on a chair, doing administrative work to replace your colleague? Definitely not. And although Changbin was a really atheletic, muscular guy, the lack of exercise and time was starting to show. After all, if he had to manage on the runway and go to dates that in 99% took place at the restarant, no wonder he put on weight.

His figure was still just as toned, well, you could still see his broad shoulders, his big arms, but added to that bulging cheeks, a prominent belly to which were added love handles so big they fell to the sides of his uniform and an ass so round and juicy that Seungmin could have sworn he'd seen it wedged into his seat once.

But let's get back to the story. Changbin euphorically swallowing his praline fist

— one praline for this case, another because Changbinie wrote over 200 words, another for-

— Changbin-nim ... about pralines ...

—oh they are sweets fallen from the sky

— yes surely but how to say ... you look quite ... fat

Changbin almost choked on a praline as he glared at hil. How dare he call him fat, he wasn't, uh?

After a few long seconds of trying to sit up, catch his breath after that effort and eat another praline, he pointed at Seungmin. You ... how dare you call him fat, this is a place of work an not a recreation center.

But Seungmin wasn't even offended by these words, he just smirked, concluding with As you wish.

But honestly, Seungmin would be lying if he said this new Changbin didn't trigger something in him. After all, he'd always found him attractive and had already openly asked him out for a drink after work, but it had never gone any further. But now ... ... he found him seductive, sexy and hot as hell.

How could he resist?

☆ミU^ェ^Uミ

—Yes and so in case to this folder I thought- Hey oh Felix are you listening?

-Shh look, Changbin's trying to get out of his chair but he can't it's so cute

Effectively , in the meantime and from eating other bags of pralines, Changbin had put on even more weight, going from a muscular, athletic body to a simple ball of fat, so fat that he'd been on the official administrative charge ever since chase with a crimminal went wrong.

His belly was so massive that you could see it through his shirt, it was so big that it was always resting on his knees. His chest, which he often flaunted with pec movements, had also rounded out and looked bigger than a C or even a D cup . But the biggest thing was still his ass, still round and juicy, shaking with every step he took, now he couldn't take a step without waddling, letting his whole body shake from the shock of his body weight.

But did Changbin seem to notice? No, not so much as to stop his addiction to pralines or to waddle away, as he'd gone from tons of dates to almost none at all. Anyway, he didn't mind, he loved the peace and quiet now.

—Wow, we've got to get this on film. When Jeongin sees it later, he'll be hallucinating.

—Changbin-ah do you need help? Felix asked politely, amused by the scene.

-N-No .. hff... i-i'm fine and finally after an umpteenth effort to get his ass out of the seat, he'd managed to do it, he was both proud and surprised to see that half the office had their eyes on him, the former jock turned to a pig.

—What, do I have something on my face? But the only response he got was from Seungmin, who discreetly pointing his shirt. Indeed, all his efforts had led to his blouse giving way at the seams and popping a few buttons in the process. Come one Sunbae, I'll help you find a solution Seungmin walked over to him and led him to the shop where he hoped to find a solution.

☆ミU^ェ^U☆ミ

Seungmin offered one of the district's XL jackets, which was often lying around for those who had a clothing problem.

I mean, it's mostly when someone get a a coffee stain, but rippint his shirt to the only strength of his fatty body was a first

—Am I fat? Changbin asked, visibly confused, the only one not yet aware of it.

— honestly... yes, you are huge

But Changbin swallowed his saliva, his ego had just taken a hit and now I understood why Mum wouldn't give me a date anymore. Nobody wants to date a pig

—If you think like that, then yes. Changbin looked up at him, confused. His puzzled look denoted Seungmin's confident face.

So confident that he approached him and placed a kiss on his lips.

—If you're looking for someone who wants to date this pig, call me.

Seunglin so left without saying a word

Changbin was perplexed and impressed by what had happened in the last few minutes.

Wait-

Seungmin was asking him out?

#weight gain #my fic #my fics #kinktober 2023 #skz chubby

[haechannabelle]

hiii today is bad my hair is messy but we out here i guess. lots of very negative venting under the cut yayyy (it’s okay tho venting made me feel better)

i’m just frustrated because my stupid job where i have to stand on concrete floors for 7 hours a day has ruined my knees, i have the knees of like a fucking 60 year old and i’m not even 30, like i can’t exercise and i keep gaining weight from my medication and idk what to do about it

and i made an appointment to hopefully get a doctor’s note so i can sit at work but because i’m on medicaid my doctor was like yeah earliest i have is in three months and even then he’ll have to refer me to a specialist to get anything done about it

and my arm has also been bothering me since we moved in august, it’ll go away but then it comes back worse. so of course i’m worried about that too

and NOW my foot is all fucked up on TOP of that stuff and because they’re doing stupid construction on all the public transit i’m walking like an extra 3 miles some days which obviously isn’t helping anything…and i had to leave work today because i couldn’t stop crying because i feel like my body is failing me and i can’t afford to take time off of work and also fuck the healthcare “system” in this country, i just had to pay a $750 bill for dental work so who KNOWS how much it’ll cost if i need treatment for my knees OR arm OR foot OR all three of them

anyways i’m sad and in pain and im freaking out about how i’m gonna get it all fixed or IF i’m gonna get things fixed and how much i’ll have to pay if i do…. it’s just not a good situation and it’s only been building as i tried to ignore the problems and hope they would go away, so now i’m directing anger at myself for not taking care of myself

but whatever my partner will be home soon and he’s gonna drive me to the doctor tomorrow and i know he’ll have comforting things to say. i know it’ll all be okay i’m just upset and what is tumblr for if not long sad personal posts and also selfies riiiiight ???

in other news tomorrow is 4/20 and i WILL be ceremoniously ending my 3 week T-break and i cannot fucking wait. i read four (4!!!) books in that time which is 4x as many books as i had read in the previous 5 years so,, i’m doing good in other ways !!!

everything is gonna be okay, it’s just hard right now. shoutout to anyone who read this far i am virtually giving you a fresh baked cookie 🍪

#myself #annabelle talks #i promise i’m okay i just needed to get some of this out

[salems-spaghettios]

It will be okay sweetpea pt.2

~Gwendoline Christie x pregnant!daughter!reader

Bold + Italic = flashback/memory

Italic = idk man, i used it for different things

Bold = thought

Warnings: light mention of alcohol, death, blood, miscarriage, somewhat descriptive self-harm, implied eating disorder, childbirth, self-depreciation, mental health, angst? (im probably forgetting something.)

Nine weeks later

Your mother neglected to talk to you about Dr.Vogt’s words, she didn’t want to upset you or spark an argument. It was 12:00 pm, mum was out grocery shopping, and you were home making lunch for your mother and yourself, you hadn’t been eating properly since you were told you miscarried. But you would eat some food when with your mother. You thought about your doctor’s appointment, “..you have miscarried, but–” maybe you should call your doctor, she had made several attempts to call you the past couple of weeks. You hit the red button on your phone’s screen every time. You weren’t in the right head space and were scared what would happen if you did answer it. What did she mean by ‘but’, your thought was disturbed by the smell of your grilled cheese getting close to a burn. You put your grilled cheese on a plate, and started on your mum’s. The front door came open, and you knew it was your mother with the rustling of bags. She entered the kitchen setting the bags down, and gave you a kiss on the forehead. “How are you feeling today sweetpea?” She asks with genuine care, she has always cared for you. You don’t understand why, you weren’t that good of a daughter. But you couldn’t imagine your life without her. You had smiled at her words, still watching her food, you replied honestly, “I feel like shit. I miscarried, yet I’m so fat, I haven’t lost any weight, in fact I’ve gained more. I haven’t gotten my period yet, it’s been like two months now. I’m not complaining but I- I don’t know, never mind.” You were trying to avoid rambling. You finished cooking her grilled cheese and handed it to her on a plate, a frown came onto your mother’s face when she saw your grilled cheese untouched. You took a bite out of your grilled cheese, to hopefully please your mother. It did, because a smile graced her lips. You loved her smile, it made every bad thing disappear for a while. You gave her a hug, wanting some form of affection, which she gladly reciprocated. You ate with your mother, talking about simple things, such as auditioning for a role in an upcoming movie. Then you assisted her with putting away the groceries.

Six hours later

You were wearing a silk robe as you prepared for bed, you had finished dinner and hopped in the shower. You were just out of the shower so you only had your robe on, due to your missing lotion you didn’t get dressed fully. When you went out to the living room looking for your lotion, trying to find out where you misplaced it. Your mother was watching you curiously, when suddenly you felt like a balloon popped inside of you. Water poured out of you with no clothing on under your robe to soak it up, and you didn’t know what to do. Your jaw dropped, you stood still looking down in shock. Your mother got up immediately from where she sat, and instructed you to get a pair of shoes on. You had a little argument about wanting to get a towel and clean up, but you ended up getting your shoes on. Your mother held onto you in case you lost your balance as you walked out to the car and got you to the passenger side of the car. When you stopped. “Mum, I don’t need to go to the hospital. I miscarried. I guess my body is finally aborting it..” Your mother looked at your eyes, your eyes that she loved since the day she gave birth to you. “Honey, I know you’re scared and think we shouldn’t go to the hospital. But will you trust me? Please?” She was right, you were scared, you didn’t know what was going to happen. Then it hit you, it was like a period cramp but worse and you were positive it would hurt more and more over time. Except you weren’t on your period. You winced at the pain, and you got into the car, wanting to stop the pain that would start coming in regular intervals. You put your seat-belt on, and your mother ran over to the drivers side, put her seat-belt on and left for the hospital. She grabbed her phone, and you saw she was calling someone, Dr.Vogt. “Hello Dr.Vogt, y/n’s water has broken.” You heard that familiar voice for the first time in what felt like an eternity “What- She’s only thirty-two weeks pregnant though.” “W- what?” You chimed in, not asking again as another god awful wave of pain hit you, which made you realise it was a contraction. Your mother quickly answered the doctor “Yes I’m aware, we are on our way to the hospital now.” You heard your clinician giving her best of luck as she was off shift. She had been in contact with your mother the entire time and was receiving updates of your pregnancy from her, due to your lack of communication. Wanting to know, finally ready to know what Dr.Vogt was supposed to tell you before you cut her off weeks ago, you spoke” Mother, what— what did she mean “thirty-two weeks pregnant?”” She placed her hand on your leg, looking over at you during the red-light trying to make sure you were okay. “Darling, how far apart are your contractions? Are you breathing right?” You replied “I don’t know, maybe like ten-ish minutes..” you hesitated before speaking again, “I’m ready to know what Dr.Vogt was going to tell me.” You said anxiously hoping it was something good for a change. “You are pregnant with an alive baby, sweetpea.” You wanted to talk more about it, but you had finally reached the hospital, contractions coming sooner and more painful. Your mother got valet parking, and you both rushed into the hospital. Your mother did all the talking as you were trying to focus on your breathing.

You were put in a room immediately, your mother sought out the best care for you. You were awfully sweaty, and were petrified. Your mother was arguing saying she didn’t care if they were on break, she wanted the best staff. Her heart beating out of her chest. She was scared, but not of being a grandmother. She was scared of the baby being hurt, but she couldn’t fathom what she’d do if you were hurt. She remembers when you first said ‘mama’, when you learned to crawl, when you took your first steps, and later on in life when you got your first period and thought you were dying. She loved you so much, her darling girl, you had struggled with mental health before and she always worried you wouldn’t reach out to her for help. She worried one day you’d take your life and it would be all her fault. She hated the thought where you were a burden to take care of, she had loved you unconditionally from the moment she found out she was pregnant.

You were in excruciating pain now, physically and mentally. The midwives urged you to push more but you couldn't. You were too scared. You had cried in agony, you actually tried to get out of the bed more than once. Your eyes screwed shut out of pain, you wanted your mother, but you already bothered her so much. Your mother snapped out of her paranoia of what would happen to you. She climbed into the bed behind you, and pulled you to rest against her. She wiped your hair out of your face, and wiped the sweat off your forehead. “It will be okay sweetpea, you have to push. It hurts, I know. I was here at one point too. Then the gods blessed me with you.” She whispered as she gently kissed at your temple. Her words made you cry more, but now your mother was holding you, you were safe. You held her hand as another contraction came, you tried to listen to the midwives. After a couple more contractions, and you basically choking on your own mucus as you pushed. Your tense body had a wave of relief. Then you heard your mother crying “My baby had- her own baby.” she choked out. You were scared to open your eyes, but then you heard the cries of a newborn filling the room, and you had to take a peek. One of the midwives held your child then said, “Well she was born early, but she seems healthy.” She. You held out your arms, hoping you could hold her for a second before they did tests to make sure she was 100% healthy. Your mother massaged your shoulders whispering sweet praises, and I love yous. The midwife handed you, your daughter. Who was very much alive, and you cried more, but this time it was because you were happy. Your mother watched from over your shoulder, she giggled a little, “She’s so tiny.” she proclaimed. You felt hot with irritation, and you had to ask your mother. “What did Dr.Vogt mean by “miscarried” I just gave birth to a perfectly alive baby!?” Your mother sighed, “Honey, you were going to have twins. You miscarried one, but this little one was fine. She was going to tell you but you didn’t let her finish, remember? I tried to tell you myself but you still didn't listen.” It all made sense finally, that’s why your belly kept growing, that’s why you didn’t get your period. You felt horrible because you hadn’t been taking care of yourself, of your baby. You hadn’t been giving your baby proper nutrition, you almost drank alcohol while still pregnant. The midwife took your baby to ensure the health of her and to give you and your mother room to talk. Now, you and your mother were alone. You laid back farther onto your mother, and she held you. Almost like you were the new child in her life. “I’m— I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I was just.. I was just hopeless. Now, she’s so small and has been brought into the world early, because I wouldn’t eat or do anything for that matter.” The guilt was getting to you now. “You were born premature too, I was so worried you wouldn’t be okay. I’m positive her birth wasn’t your fault.” Your mother’s words reassured you. Your mother didn’t blame you or say anything snarky, she watched over you. Her own baby at once, now all grown up. You were only in a hospital gown since they had you change out of your robe, and your mother saw something that made her heart sink.

#gwen christie #gwendolineuniverse #gwendoline christie #miscarriage #mental health #gwendoline christie x reader #fem!reader #fanfic

[sweetestofchaos]

Y/N is an American music artist and things get serious with Seokjin ♫ Part 9 ♫ 2k

SFW // Interracial Relationship // Strangers to Lovers // Cursing // Heavy Kissing // Suggestive Actions // Ass Grabbing // Grinding // Alcohol // SOL // Fluff // Part 8 // Part 10​​​​

​​🇲​​​​​🇦​​​​​🇸​​​​​🇹​​​​​🇪​​​​​🇷​​​​​🇱​​​​​🇮​​​​​🇸​​​​​🇹​​​​​ 

​ᴳⁱᶠ ᶜʳᵉᵈⁱᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵒʷⁿᵉʳ‧ ᶠᵒᵘⁿᵈ ᵒⁿ ᴾⁱⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗ

a/n: Bolded text means that Y/N is speaking Korean and butterfly divider made by @benkeibear​

Y/N and Taehyung are currently trending on Twitter thanks to Yoongi finally uploading the two of them singing along to Nive’s Like A Fool. Army and Steller alike are asking for a collab between the two while others are begging for Summer Gravity to do songs with each member of BTS. Y/N thinks it’s sweet and to add more fuel to the fire, she uploads a few of her pictures from her outing with Yoongi, Namjoon, and Seokjin the day after on Instagram. She laughs to herself while she jogs on a treadmill, watching as Twitter goes insane. Y/N’s phone vibrates and lights up with a picture of Seokjin and herself wearing matching hoodies on the screen. Tapping the green call button, Y/N answers the phone with a smile on her face.

“You’re on break early.”

“I had to use the bathroom and thought I would check in on you.”

“You thought of me while taking a-”

“Yah!” Seokjin quickly interrupts Y/N, and she laughs knowing that Seokjin’s ears are bright red.

“How’s practice going?” Y/N giggles as she slowly brings herself to a slow stop on the treadmill.

“They’ve changed up the choreo a little to one of the songs, but it’s okay. I just want to take a nap.”

“That old age is catching up to you huh?”

“Who says I’m old?” Y/N laughs and steps down from the treadmill, grabbing her water bottle before she heads over to the weight machines. “Anyway, did you want to join us for lunch today?”

“What time are you taking a break? I have a nail appointment at twelve.”

“I think they wanted to break around one thirty…maybe two.”

“I don’t think I make it in time, and I don’t want the guys to wait on me. I know how hard you all work.”

“Awe,” Seokjin’s voice is pouty and Y/N smiles. “I wanted to show off a little bit.”

“There will be another time for you to show off, Jinie.”

“I guess,” Seokjin sighs and clears his throat, “they are calling me back in. I’ll call you on another break, okay?”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Yeah, I…yeah talk soon.” Seokjin quickly hangs up and Y/N chews on her lower lip. Was Seokjin going to say he loves her? Y/N’s heart flutters at the thought but she quickly pushes the feelings down. Now is not the time to get distracted. She needs to focus on her gains and right now, those weights are calling her name.

A week has gone by, and Y/N has hardly had the chance to see Seokjin since he’s been so busy with his schedule. Tonight, Seokjin is coming over to spend the night since he has tomorrow off, and Y/N has butterflies in her stomach. She’s missed Seokjin and tonight she thought it would be nice to have a date night indoors. Y/N has set up her living room with candle lights, a large blanket neatly thrown on the floor and tons of pillows too. She knew that Seokjin had a rough day, so she ordered sushi, Korean beef, and a slew of sides from one of the places near her. She even stopped at the store to buy whine and a few snacks. In the bedroom upstairs, her bed is set up to host a mini movie night with popcorn, candies, and more whine. Small electric tealight candles frame the floor around her bed to create a soft romantic glow.

Honestly, Y/N is extremely nervus, she’s never done this much for her last two relationships…she didn’t feel what she feels for Seokjin with the others. Looking down at her outfit, Y/N chews on her bottom lip. It’s nothing fancy, she knows that Seokjin will be dressed down since he ended his day with dance practice. Dressed in a black crop top and black flowy pants, Y/N thinks she looks okay. Her bright orange toes peek out each time she walks, and it makes her smile at the random burst of color. Triple checking everything, Y/N glances down at her phone when it chimes. Reading over the text from Seokjin, Y/N smiles. Even though he’s tired, he still wants to know if Y/N needs anything from the store while he’s out.

Letting Seokjin know that she doesn’t need anything, Y/N asks how far out Seokjin is and her eyes widen. He’s ten minutes out! Shoving her phone into her pocket, Y/N starts to set up the food in the living room, making sure everything looks perfect. Smoothing a hand down her black and pale yellow ombre body weave, Y/N jumps when there’s a knock at her door. Taking one last quick look around, Y/N shuffles over to the door and looks through the peep hole just to be sure that it’s Seokjin. Seeing nothing but a black shirt, Y/n rolls her eyes, Seokjin always stands too close to the door. Laughing to herself, Y/n unlocks the front door and opens it with a smile on her face.

“Hey, angel.” Seokjin easily sweeps Y/N off her feet and steps into the apartment, kicking the door shut behind himself. “I’ve missed you.” Seokjin mummers before he presses his lips against Y/n’s. Y/N sighs into the kiss and Seokjin presses her against the wall, deepening the kiss as his hands squeeze her hips. “You smell nice.” Seokjin trails a wet path down the side of Y/N’s neck, nipping at the flesh teasingly as he inhales deeply. “You change your perfume, I like it.”

Y/N threads her fingers through Seokjin’s hair and tugs his face away from her neck. “It’s not a scent I wear very often. Only on special occasions.” Y/n admits and Seokjin’s brows furrow. Special occasion? Seokjin’s palms start to sweat, and Y/N is quick to stop his downwards spiral into despair. “You didn’t forget anything,” Y/N is quick to reassure Seokjin as she stares into his dark eyes. She smiles softly, shyly as she lets her hands fall to Seokjin’s shoulders. “Being with you is the special occasion.”

Seokjin’s ears turn bright red, and his neck gets splotchy as Y/n’s words echo in his mind. “When did you get so smooth, hum?” Seokjin teases softly and Y/N shrugs her shoulders making Seokjin laugh.

“Come on, before the food gets cold…or room temp.”

Seokjin steps away from Y/N and allows her to lead him to the living room. Seeing the set up on the floor, Seokjin grins and wraps his arms around Y/N’s waist, pulling her tightly into his chest. Resting his chin on her shoulder, Seokjin kisses her cheek. “If I didn’t know any better I would you were trying to get in my pants.”

“Boy, shut up!” Y/N laugh and wiggles out of Seokjin’s hold. “Come sit and eat. I know you’re hungry.” Seokjin sits across from Y/N on the floor and looks at all the yummy food. “Dig in.” Seokjin grabs a set of chop sticks and picks up a slice of gimpa. He pops the whole thing in his mouth and moans making Y/N smile as she eats a piece of sushi.

“This is really good.”

"Right! I finally found a place that isn’t ass.”

The two eat together and joke around, sharing stories from their day and catching up on little things that they missed through the week. Seokjin complains about his shoulders being sore from having to dance so much and Y/N knows that he’s just being dramatic, which she doesn’t mind. Gathering up the leftover food, Seokjin and Y/N put everything away while choosing to leave the dishes in the sink to soak until tomorrow. As Y/N heads up to her room, Seokjin doubles checks that the front door is locked before he heads up.

Seokjin freezes in the doorway when he sees the tealights on the floor surrounding the bed. He raises an eyebrow at Y/N who is standing at the foot of the bed with two flutes of wine in her hands. “Are you trying to get me drunk, angel?”

Shaking her head, Y/N holds a glass out towards Seokjin, and he walks into the room smirking. “You’ve really pulled out all the stops tonight, huh?” Seokjin takes the glass from Y/N before he wraps his free hand around her waist, pulling her close. “A toast.”

“For?” Y/N licks her lips and it’s a motion that Seokjin doesn’t miss.

“To the wonderful night that you have given me and to the many more that are to come.” Seokjin tangles their arm together and smiles down at Y/N. “Naega kkumkkudeon yeojayeyo.” Seokjin winks and Y/N can feel the blood on her face burn.

Clearing her throat, Y/N thinks over the phrase that she’s been practicing all day. As much as she can understand Korean, she isn’t the best at speaking it. Taking a breath, Y/N clears her throat once again, “I’m crazy about you.” Her voice is soft and clear as she speaks slowly, and Seokjin’s knees nearly give out. “I’m yours.” Their relationship has been a mix of English and Korean. Most of the time, Seokjin will speak in Korean, and Y/N will respond in broken Korean. Hearing her speak so smoothly in his native tongue is doing things that Seokjin didn’t think would ever happen.

“Forget about the wine.” Seokjin is quick to set the glasses on the dresser and he pulls Y/N into his arms. Leaning down, Seokjin crashes his lips into hers, the kiss is wild and needy. Passionate and burning as Seokjin walks Y/N back to the bed, his knees hitting the edge of the mattress. Placing his hands on Y/N’s waist, Seokjin sits down and pulls Y/N into his lap, her legs on either side of him. “Say it again,” Seokjin whispers softly against Y/N’s lips.

“I’m crazy about you.”

Seokjin groans and slides his hands to Y/N’s ass squeezing tightly as he sucks her bottom lip into his mouth. “Again.” Seokjin releases Y/N’s lip and trails his mouth down the side of her neck. Y/N inhales a shaky breath as she holds onto Seokjin’s shoulders tightly. She mind is a jumble of so many thoughts and feelings. Her body is alive, every nerve ending screaming for Seokjin’s touch. “Again…please.” Seokjin’s voice is rough as he begs, and Y/N is more than willing to give him anything that he asks for.

“I’m yours…Jinnie.”

Y/N pulls Seokjin’s face away from her neck and stares into his eyes that are wide, his pupils nearly double in size. She can feel how hard he has become underneath her, and she would be lying if she said it didn’t turn her on. Seokjin’s slides a hand up Y/N’s back and grips the back of her neck lightly while his other hand kneads the plumpness of her ass. Seokjin pulls her in and rest his forehead against Y/N’s.

“I want you, Y/N…I want you so fucking badly.” Y/N’s lip’s part and Seokjin shakes his head. “No. Not tonight. W-we’ve been drinking a-and-” Seokjin groans when Y/N starts shift slightly in his lap and he quickly holds her down. “Stop.” Seokjin warns and Y/N whines a pout making her bottom lip so very tempting. Flicking his tongue out, Seokjin trances Y/N’s bottom lip and Y/N sighs into the messy kiss. Seokjin forces himself to pull away and closes his eyes, “Get in bed and pick a movie.” Seokjin’s words are strand and he pecks Y/N’s lips two more times before he removes her from his lap and sets her on the bed. “I’ll be back shortly.” Seokjin hurries out the room jogs down the steps, nearly sprinting to the ensuite to take care of the issue between his legs.

Upstairs, Y/N ignores the heavy feeling in her heart. She knows that Seokjin is right, the two of them had had a lot to drink and their first time together should be while sober, but it still hurts. Picking herself up from the bed, Y/N starts to turn off the tealights and set them all on the nightstand. She looks at the wine and frowns. No more drinking for the night. Clearing off the bed, Y/N sets the basket of treats on the floor and crawls under the sheets. She scrolls through Netflix to find something to watch and settles on BBC’s Merlin, a show that she has watched more than a dozen times. It’s her comfort show, and she knows that it will be something that Seokjin can get into…whenever he comes to bed.

#butterflies #soc seokjin #kpop ambw #seokjin fluff #seokjin x black!reader #bts fluff #r&b singer!reader #kim seokjin fic

[seafoamchild]

january is a rough month. it feels like it's been january for like 3 weeks but it's only the 9th. the grey skies and general lack of color and warmth really gets me down. i feel like i'm always tired no matter how much i sleep. i feel so lacking in energy and motivation. and i feel so ugly too. i started using retinol on my face and i'm going through the "purge" period where my skin is breaking out. i really hope it'll get better after this. cuz having acne again is not chill. i'm not as self conscious about it as i once was, but i really do feel a little ugly. and i'm still reckoning with the changes in my body. i've definitely gained weight and sometimes i feel okay about it and other times (like now) i just can't believe it and i get into these shame spirals. i'm going to the gym a lot and still eating relatively well but i just feel very unattractive and blah.

i'm doing dry january too and i'm not sure if it's the right choice but i'm going to try it. it's only january 9th and i feel like it's been SO LONG and i want to drink SO BAD. no powders either. i have been thinking about my substance abuse issues for a while now and i think taking a break is necessary. i need to reassess my relationship with alcohol. i think getting out of the service industry would help a lot. i just hate that getting fucked up seems so necessary to have fun in so many situations. this is so hard.

a good thing is that i'm having a lot of fun with T. the more i get to know him the more i like him. he's funny, smart, willing to try new things, emotionally intelligent, social, kind, caring, doesn't take himself too seriously, a good listener, and a really loyal friend. he has a good heart. i'm really happy with him. we're doing dry january together and we've had so much fun going on adventures and cooking and watching weird documentaries. we're going to chicago next weekend and i'm really excited. he treats me the way i deserve to be treated and i hope i'm doing the same for him.

it just scares me a little because i still want to move to another city, even if it's just for a little while. and i don't want a boyfriend to hold me back. and i feel like it's too soon to ask if he wants to come with me. there are so many uncertainties. i tend to get so invested in relationships so quickly. so i need to talk about this in therapy.

i'm also still having the same issues with insomnia that i had with luke. every time we slept in the same bed i could not fall asleep. like at all. it's insane. i took a lunesta the last time T stayed over and i don't think i slept. like my body just will not let me be unconscious and i don't know why. it's absolutely maddening. i can't understand why this is happening and i'm so frustrated with people telling me to have a bedtime routine or to try meditating or take fucking melatonin. i know they're just trying to help but it's clearly a much deeper issue and i need professional help. my psychiatrist hasn't done anything helpful except prescribe me lunesta. i made an appointment with a sleep specialist but it's not til the third week of february. it's so fucking exhausting and annoying to want to just spend the night with T and i get up the next day feeling like absolute shit because i didn't sleep. i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!!!!

also i was in barcelona for christmas. it was so much fun. it honestly felt strange to be back in that city. familiar but not. i spent a lot of time there in 2016 and it was weird to be like, oh i remember eating breakfast in that mcdonald's with my friend hashi more than seven years ago. or how i used to take the blue line on the metro to crazy denise's house where i was living. but this time we balled out and spent so much money on food! christmas dinner was the best meal i've ever had in my life. and we went to museums and went on a roadtrip and saw castles and drank a lot of vermouth and reveled in the sunlight and laughed until we cried every single day. i really loved that trip.

i was somewhat of a control freak on the trip because i planned everything, but no one else seemed that interested in planning anyway. i don't know. i've been thinking about my flaws as a person. i'm super laid back sometimes and then so controlling other times. i'm so impatient. i think i'm better than everyone sometimes. i need praise and reassurance. maybe i just have a big, fragile ego. sometimes i feel like i'm selfish. but you know, none of us are perfect. i am trying. and this is where i'm at.

#journal

[honeysuckle-venom]

Discussion of weight, BMI, medical fatphobia, weight loss medications, ed triggers, internalized fatphobia, desire to relapse, and other related content. No numbers, ultimately recovery oriented but pretty honest about the relapsey feelings

Overall the hepatologist appointment a week ago was good. She said mostly the same thing as the surgeon; it's good to be off the birth control, I'm not in danger currently unless I go back on any estrogen based medication or become pregnant; I need another MRI in a few months to monitor the tumors. She didn't have time to look at the MRI images before the appointment as they take a while to upload, but promised to look at them with the radiologist and surgeon there and call me once she'd looked.

She did mention weight loss could be the one other factor that might help shrink the tumors. Going off the birth control is the biggest thing by far, but she said weight loss might help. I tried to make it fairly clear that I wasn't interested in that, that I had a history of anorexia and was not looking to pursue weight loss at this time. She backed off, and it was okay. But then when I was leaving they handed me a paper with information about the visit, and in big font on the first page it listed my height, weight, and BMI. I'd resigned myself to knowing my weight a few months ago bc of all of these doctor's appointments, but it's been at least 5 years since I've known my BMI, and that was a very conscious choice on my part. I know BMIs are bullshit, but I used to be dangerously obsessed with them and it's an even bigger trigger than weight or calorie numbers are for me. So that was really distressing, and has been bothering me and making food even more difficult than normal for the past week.

Today, thankfully during my therapy session, the doctor called back to discuss the MRI images and her consultation about them with the other doctors. And she again brought up my weight, said that the other doctors all suggested weight loss, and that there was a new type of weight loss drug she could put me on. I lost it, and my therapist stepped in and explained why that was a bad idea. It was one of the most triggering conversations I've had in a very, very long time.

I used to be quite thin, but gained an extreme amount of weight very quickly when I was put on psychiatric medication (esp seroquel) as a teenager. My psychiatrist tried to counteract this by giving me incredibly fucked up advice about what to eat and by putting me on diabetes medication (I'm not diabetic) for its off-label use as an appetite suppressant/weight loss drug. When that had bad side effects she tried to put me on weight loss shots, but I refused. But she spent years pushing various forms of weight loss medication, and it was honestly somewhat traumatic bc of the way it was done/tied up in my ED history.

I stopped seeing that psychiatrist a few years ago, and my current therapist knows I still have an eating disorder, even though it's no longer strict anorexia, and that pursuing intentional weight loss would be incredibly detrimental for me. She's worked to communicate this to my current PCP, and overall I've been fortunate enough not to have people constantly pushing weight loss like I used to expect. So today just really, really took me off guard and upset me. Someone telling me I needed a weight loss medication brought up sooo many triggered thoughts and feelings. I'm very skittish about medication in general, have a lot of medical and medication-based trauma, and have been trying to recover from decades of disordered eating and shame about my body. It was honestly one of the worst, most destabilizing things that could have happened to me.

I'm doing a bit better this evening, but I'm still really upset. I can feel all the different parts of my brain fighting. Part of me wants to cling to recovery and intuitive eating and anti-diet work and all of that stuff, and I know that's the right thing. But so many other parts of me are telling me that it's wrong and weak and bad and dirty and ugly and selfish and lazy and and and and. That I should listen to doctors, that I should diet, that I should relapse, that I should take the pills, that I should get weight loss surgery, that I should never allow myself to be okay with being fat. And I know that's wrong. I know. But the internal fighting and conflict between different world views is vicious right now. It makes me feel dizzy and sick and psychotic and desperate and scared and angry. It's awful. It's just really awful.

#text post #my post #ed tag #eating disorder cw #eating disorder tw #medical fatphobia cw #medical fatphobia tw #internalized fatphobia cw

[moonlit-positivity]

Self Care perspectives I wish we would stop ignoring

It is okay to skip self care

It is okay if you're at a place where self hate rules your life

It is okay to stop showering

It is okay to give up

Severe trauma is debilitating

It is okay if you can't move for days or months on end.

It is okay if you stay in bed all day

It is okay if you cannot ""force"" yourself to do the ""hard things""

You do not have to fit into someone else's ideology of what self care looks like

Sometimes self care is acknowledging that you are in a position where you physically & emotionally can't take care of yourself

It is okay if you do not feel safe enough to leave your bed/room/house/comfort zone

It is okay to put your life on hold to deal with your trauma

It is okay to need help from a friend or loved one to keep things clean

It's okay if you can barely eat or not eat at all

It's okay if you lose weight or gain weight

It's okay if you cannot go outside or do any of those things people say make it better

It's okay if your house is a mess

It's okay if you can't keep your appointments

It's okay to put things on hold while you heal

It is okay if you cannot do it all by yourself

Even if you try one of those ""depression hacks"" and find you still cannot do it.

It is okay to exist just as you are

It is okay to hate people who have it better than you

It is okay to let yourself fall apart.

Self care isn't just ""showering"" and ""forcing"" yourself to do things.

Self care is also giving yourself time to process.

And that can take months to years.

And I severely wish there was more talk around allowing yourself to fall into despair.

Because sometimes that is unavoidable when you have trauma

And a lot of these ""self care"" posts can make people feel guilty

It is perfectly valid to stop caring

Nobody is going to die if you don't take a shower for two or three weeks

Change your clothes periodically and you're fine

Personally I've gone 2 years without taking a single shower

"you will do it when you are ready" is what my therapist would tell me

And I wish more people encouraged this mindset

Because for those two years I didn't shower I was stuck in bed unable to move because I didn't feel safe even in my own house

I lived off of snack cakes and pizza rolls

And it was all I could do to survive

So it's okay if you're in a position where you cannot care for yourself

YOU WILL DO IT WHEN YOU ARE READY

#self care #recovery #ptsd #cptsd #suggestions #warm suggestions #depression #anxiety #bpd #social anxiety #mdd #boundaries #trauma #therapy #mental health #radical acceptance

[inappropriate-aunt]

Hello everyone. Bit of a sad life update incoming. Could be very triggering to animal lovers and anyone dealing with grief so please don't feel like you have to read this. I understand completely. I just need to share. This isn't normally the kind of thing I would be able to read let alone write.

We adopted my dog Edward about 4 and a half years ago. Vet estimates placed his age around 3, 4, maybe 5. He was a strong boy. Lover of the simple, slow things in life. Laying in the grass listening to birds. Sleeping on the couch. Cuddling with his humans. Getting scratched behind the ears and pet vigorously. Eating his dental treat every night. Going for walks. He was so calm. He calmed down everyone around him. If you were sad or anxious, he could tell. He would come over to you and nuzzle your hand. He would paw at you until you snapped out of it and pet him. He would sit on you and you'd feel grounded and safe. He was undeniably clever. He was a special dog. I've never met another dog like him. So chill, so respectful, so good. We barely had to do any training. He was a perfect gentleman.

A few weeks ago, he got sick. He started coughing and being less interested in his food. It was subtle, but then he refused his favorite treat, so two days before Christmas we took him to the vet to get help. They put him on antibiotics, which we gave to him for two weeks, mixed into wet food. It seemed to help. He was eating again, playing, getting better.

We finished the antibiotics and he seemed okay. Needed to gain some weight but that's nothing a little peanut butter and other tasty treats couldn't fix. He had previously been considered a few pounds overweight at a vet visit, so I wasn't too worried. He was on the fast track back to health.

One week ago he stopped eating his food again. We took him back to the vet and they said they thought he had lymphoma. We had to wait three days for the cytology report. He snapped at them when they took the sample. He had never done that before. He loved the vet. He loved people. He never growled at anyone. He was always an absolute angel with strangers. He would bark at bikes, but never maliciously. He once rammed himself into someone on a bike and was absolutely thrilled that he stopped her and got her to pet him. The vet warned us that behavior changes could mean the cancer had spread to his brain already. They said this type can be treated with chemo, but that it comes on fast. They didn't offer any other possible diagnosis. Just cancer. They gave us pain meds and appetite stimulants, and sedatives for his next appointment.

Over the next few days his condition got worse. He lost coordination. He was stumbling around and bumping into things. Getting himself stuck in small places. He was having accidents in the house. He ate some wet food, then eventually rejected that too. We called the vet again. They suggested all kinds of food and gave us some to try. I got him to lick ice cream and peanut butter and pureed chicken off a spoon. It was slow going, but he would eat and I thought, maybe we have a chance to fight this thing. He got worse. He fell down the steps. We took him to the ER vet. They agreed it was likely cancer. There was no oncologist on staff that day, he would be back in Monday. The test result came back the next day, confirming lymphoma.

I just had to get him through the weekend so he could see the oncologist. But by Sunday he wouldn't take as much food. Sunday night he started tremoring. He was getting himself hurt just pacing. He had a hard time settling down. A few times throughout the weekend I got him to sleep with me. I wasn't sleeping much without him. We got naps here and there. I kept a constant eye on him. I fed him whenever he would take it. I wiped the goop out of his eyes. We blocked off places where he was getting stuck. I set up his crate again so he had a place where we could put him safely to rest. He tried sleeping in bed with us but he couldn't get comfortable. He wet the bed, he jumped out of it, he paced. Sunday night he began howling in pain. Even with the pain medicine in him. All I could do was pet him and tell him I was there.

Monday morning he had a seizure. We went back to the ER vet. He had two more seizures while being examined. He'd lost more weight. They explained it meant that the cancer was in his nervous system. It got to his brain. They told us we had to consider euthanasia. That we could try steroids but it wouldn't improve his quality of life. That the chemotherapy wouldn't work on cancer that had spread this far.

You guys, I know I don't actually know how old he was but he was too young for this. I only had him for a few years! He was my family, my boy. We were supposed to have more time. It happened so fast.

I would have given anything to save him. I was prepared to spend all our money, go into debt, do any kind of degrading thing to afford treatments. I wasn't even given the chance. I screamed. I cried.

All I ever wanted was for him to be healthy and live a long life with me. When he came into my life I knew he was meant to be there, with us, in our home that he loved. With people who loved him, and he loved us. I saw the love in his amber eyes every day. I did everything for him. I bought all this stuff for him. I tolerated work, and life, and everything horrible in the world because it meant I could buy more nice things for him, and spend time with him. He made the world a better place.

If the chemo had been able to help, I would have spent thousands on it. Even to just have one more week where he felt better. Felt like himself. The cancer took everything from him. Everything he loved. Eating, going for walks, sitting outside, cuddling for hours, sleeping- he didn't want much! He just wanted those things. Those simple pleasures. He couldn't do any of them.

I know we made the right decision, but I fucking hate it. I can't stop thinking about him. I remember how he smelled, how soft his fur was, how his tongue felt when he licked me. Never too many licks, just enough to let you know he cared.

I miss him so so much. I want to hold him again. I want him to lay his head on me because he sees that I'm crying. I want him to ask to go outside. I want him to paw me and accidentally leave a bruise. I want him back. I love him so much. He was my best friend. It hurts so so much. It's three am. I slept a little but I had to get out of bed. I don't want to wake my husband up with my crying. He would understand, but still, I want him to get sleep.

I can't believe I have to face the world without Edward in it. He deserved so much more.

I'm going to try to put as much love out into the world as he did. One day I know we will adopt another dog, and love them too. Because even though this hurts so much, I won't let it harden my heart. There are others out there who need me. Dogs and people. I'm still here. I can still help. I can be the good in the world that was taken from me. But I will always miss him. And I will always, always love him.

#tw cancer #tw death #tw dog death #tw animal death #tw cursing #tw euthanasia #tw pet loss #dog #pet loss #dog death #animal death

[chrisevansdaughter]

HEYYY LOVEEE

HOW ARE YOU TODAYYY

HOW DID THE APPOINTMENT GO???

How are you feelinggg? Anything interestinggg??

Hey love! I’m taking it slow today not feeling too good after my rant last night (x) if you could even call it that.

My appointment unfortunately I couldn’t donate because I had my vaccines for my job last month I have to wait 4 weeks on one of them before I can give anything really annoying to be honest because no one told me and I was literally 2 days out from the month period being over. But they were really nice about it as always and I asked all the questions I needed to regardless so I’m gonna try next week.

I’m feeling a bit meh today I feel like it’s definitely gonna be a stay in my room in my environment type thing til later because I’m a bit stressed and tired and annoyed.

tw: weight talk now because I’ve been stressed and struggling a little I’ve gained weight a little bit more than I’d like it’s probably just because I missed out on meds, haven’t been to the gym as much as I’d like etc etc but since my medical i passed for my job which is the most expensive piece of paper I’ve ever bought I’ve gained well over 2 kg so I’m not saying gaining is a bad thing it just makes me feel more ‘eh’ when it’s noticeable because I was finally comfortable in my body but it is what it is for now so :).

I think i might try and write today but there is absolutely no guarantee because I only want to put out the best content in the best mind set I can, 2 of my asks are quite similar to (x) so I might write it in a different way something to do with school or change it up. Or just write a small little thing I say that I’ll write small headcannons and they turn in to full fics but it’s okay, so any ideas for small Drabble or headcannons would be appreciated but there is no guarantee they’ll be done today :)

Also any recommendations for comfort fluff fics with reader maybe not feeling too good would be appreciated 🫶🏻

#chrisevansdaughter #chris evans daughter #chrisevansdaughter mental health talk :) #chrisevansdaughter life rants ✨ #chrisevansdaughter loves 💖❤️ #requsts are open #chrisevansdaughter speaks 🫶🏻 #chrisevansdaughter online 💖

[emeraldbabygirl]

Went to the doctor today, I weight more than what I would like. I’m not obese or overweight and I’m not under weight I’m probably a healthy? weight for my age and height maybe but like I’ve always been able to keep my weight between 158lbs and 162lbs for years and years like never less than 158lbs and never more than 162lbs and even if there were times I was eating a lot or eating like lots of sugars and stuff I’ve been able to stay in that weight range but this past two weeks I’m pretty sure I’ve gained like 5lbs. Last year I didn’t gain weight during my pto and I had like sweets and junk food and a lot of starches and stuff. Tbh I always thought I would stay within that weight range and I thought it was kinda cool?? but I’m disappointed in myself. Like ok I haven’t been active like cause I’m home and I have been eating a lot more I guess, like a lot of bread and soda, more than usual but I’ve never been this weight. To me personally I’m fatter now than what I was, after seeing my weight I feel fatter. And I know that being under 200lbs isn’t even fat like or obese or whatever but I’m def not happy about gaining. And I know it’s not a lot of weight like you can’t see it visually but idk.

And I know like, obviously I’m not like within the fat weight range and like I’m still like a healthy weight and stuff but like for me specifically it feels fat. Even when I was like with the weight range it felt like that but I figured as long as I don’t go over I can be okay ya’know. I know like a healtly diet and exercise is like needed if someone wants to lose weight or whatever and obviously it makes sense that I gained cause I have been sleeping and eating my entire break. I hope I can lose the weight once I start working again and being more active.

Also like I know people are bigger than me or smaller than me like, but I don’t want anyone coming here and trying to tell me that I’m “not fat” or that I “can’t feel fat cause fat isn’t a feeling” okay it is my body and my feelings so if I am a weight that I normally wouldn’t be and if that to me is fat than don’t tell me that it’s not. Anyway will delete later but just wanted to let off some steam and rant a bit. I was down cause I kept thinking about the weight gain during my appointment and I didn’t eat as much dinner as I normally do. I should be okay later on and definitely hoping to lose that weight and maybe get on the light end of that weight range.

Also also like ion want people on here who feel bad about their weight or people with ED to think that they need to lose or gain weight to be my size I’m not promoting anything for anyone but me cause I’m not happy with my size. I’m not posting this cause others need to be this weight right? I don’t want someone to see this and think they’re the wrong weight just cause I’m throwing numbers up and I definitely don’t want people to think my current weight is like obese and want to be less than, like my weight is fine and healthy it’s just too much for my liking rn. I am speaking for myself when I say this and nobody else.

#personal #random #tw: body #tw: weight #??? #tw: ed mention

[x-whyareyoureadingthis-x]

Tw: stress, scars, mental illness, weight loss

So to summarise: in the past three weeks i have been paying a lot of attention to what I'm eating in order to loose some weight. Smaller and fewer meals. More fruit and veggies. Almost no sugar. I gained 3 pounds. I cannot look at my face or even think about my face without bursting into tears. I was just starting to accept that it's okay to want to be pretty when every chance at being that got taken away from me forever. I have an essay to finish. I have class from 8am-8pm and 10am-8pm most days. I haven't done any of the homework for tomorrow. I am studying for an exam I will most likely fail on Sunday. But before that, i have to spend my entire Saturday in a museum bc of uni, which I'm not interested in at all, then I gotta take the train half way across the country, where I sleep in a hotel before doing the test and taking the train back. And then I have one week to digitalise 16 pictures aka create 16 pictures with a program i have never once worked with before and have to borrow a computer for. Not to mention the photographs I need to organise and take for my job. All while my physical and mental health is deteriorating. Classrooms are approx. 16°C. Health insurance will stop paying for my therapy. Much needed doctor's appointments are months away, and until then I keep taking meds which we don't know whether they make me sicker. Therapist magically manages to avoid doing any of the things we decided we would do (EMDR). I basically lost all my friends at uni. I don't know who to talk to without getting on their nerves. I don't know how to get the workload done. I feel completely empty. Professionals keep ignoring what I say and point out. i have no time to do the things I love. Not even enough time to watch an episode of the series i want to watch and by now I don't even want to read anymore. I just don't know where this is supposed to go.

#x rant x