#or other days i feel like well God is arbitrary like that so even if I asked its pretty 50/50 on whether i get an answer | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

beautifulpersonpeach · 11 months

Note

I've noticed that PJMs REALLY hate jikook and jkkrs, I've literally even seen some of them parrot taekook narratives and rhetoric about Jungkook not liking Jimin and such (which is crazy to me, why would they ever believe anything tkkrs of all people have to say about something related to JM!). Even though JJK1 was just announced, I've seen a whole portion of them raging about jkkrs suddenly today. They're also saying most of them are JK biased, but I'm pretty confident the majority of jkkrs are JM biased actually, and I thought that was well known. Do you think there's a specific reason it's like this? I feel like a lot of KTHs and JJKs are tkkrs, or at least have gotten along with them. But it's definitely not the same with PJMs and jkkrs.

***

Hi Anon,

Just as a general rule, I'm incapable of taking solo stans of any member seriously. There are some groups in k-pop where it makes sense to be a solo stan. But for a group like BTS, to be a solo stan is an automatic failed IQ and EQ test, in my opinion. And PJMs are no exception.

So, I kinda don't want to waste any time on this ask given the subject is PJMs / solo stans, but you sent this ask a while ago and I'm in a mood... I'll take a gander at it.

Why do PJMs hate Jungkook, jikook, and jokers?

The self-inserts who recognize that Jungkook is a real and constant presence in Jimin's life, and likely will always be. Jungkook is a person who many times occupies the space many imagine a spouse or significant other would take with Jimin. A lot of people in the fandom see this, including PJMs, and for the solo stans who love Jimin a little too much, Jungkook's very existence is a thorn in their side.

The psychos with zero sense of boundaries who have deluded themselves into thinking they get a say in determining what is best for Jimin. Some PJMs don't think Jungkook is a good friend to Jimin, much less a good spouse/partner. They find him inadequate of being paired with their god, Jimin, by their personal arbitrary standards. JK doesn't shower Jimin with enough attention, affection, deference, reverence, etc, by their own standards. They hold every slight or minor disagreement jikook have ever had, against Jungkook in perpetuity, because how dare he act like a teenage boy talking back to Jimin (or whatever) when he should be glad the mighty Jimin breathed in his direction?

The overprotective mother hens who feel powerless to hold Jimin antis responsible in their stan environments, so they transfer the blame to Jungkook. Some JJKs suffer from the above two mental ailments plaguing PJMs, and are objectively disgusting towards Jimin. Of course none of that is Jungkook's fault, but some PJMs choose to blame him for their behaviour anyway. This faction of solo stans (and shippers) who act like this are so pathetic, I won't waste any more time getting into it.

Jikookers get heat from PJMs because they celebrate a relationship that most PJMs view through the lens of the above three points. Jokers are automatically bad for wanting Jimin in a relationship that is obviously bad (see above), and what's worse is jokers don't really support Jimin enough (based on the standards set by solo stans...).

Some shippers (and jikookers) are vile fetishizers, and are legitimately hated by anyone with half a working brain, at least, and so like a broken clock that's right twice a day, PJMs sometimes sniff out the jikookers who honestly belong in a jail cell. Here, I say the hate is justified. But again, that's more the exception to the rule.

In terms of bias splits with jikookers, what I've observed is most are double biased with Jimin and Jungkook. Taekookers however swing more fully to being majority Tae-biased, and the fall out from the Taennie reveal more or less confirms that for me. The JJKs who get along with KTHs are able to do that better than with PJMs, because I doubt any of them see Taehyung as real competition to Jungkook. To be blunt. Jimin has always pulled in significant attention for his unusual tone and feather-light vocals, his dancing ability is peerless, and his personality endears him to everyone who comes across BTS. Jimin reigned supreme in Korea and internationally in terms of popularity since debut, and in the last 5 years, has shared this more with Jungkook, and to a lesser degree with Taehyung. With Tae, it's only since 2017 I saw an uptick in his popularity within the fandom and outside it, and his Chinese fanbase since 2018 has been a big reason for this, actively working to match his status with Jimin and Jungkook. But even then, at least in Korea, Jungkook's only real competition in BTS is Jimin, and so his solo stans have a harder time getting along with PJMs, than with KTHs. This isn't something I usually pay attention to because I'm not nearly as sensitive to it as solo stans are, but I've got eyes and can see.

Anyway...

With a group like BTS, there are certain people who are guaranteed to always be angry and/or miserable for as long as the group is active - and yes BTS as a group is still active in Chapter 2. These types of people include homophobes; the mantis who believe they know how to manage BTS better than BigHit; people who don't like ARMY or don't like BTS mentioning ARMY; and solo stans of every variety; among others. Anyone with any of these inclinations is bound to either stop following BTS and k-pop completely, or will end up as a full blown anti who spirals further into degeneracy.

I'd ignore them if I were you, though in Chapter 2 I can understand why this could be difficult to do.

#Standardized testing for anything has its flaws and isn't always exhaustive but still... yeah solos are just fundamentally kinda dumb #they are useful for simple rote tasks like streaming and buying #but anything that requires complex thought with delayed and ordered consequences is beyond their thinking capacity #It's not a diss #Just what I've observed over the years #jikook #pjms #jimin #jungkook #taehyung #bts shippers #fandom behaviour #bts #bangtan #solo stans #park jimin #jeon jungkook

63 notes · View notes

fierceawakening · 5 months

Text

Reality check time: Is it okay, given that I'm Christian (basically, weirdly--I don't think gods exist but I think the religious traditions I grew up with are personally useful to me so I follow most of them), to feel REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE when posts go around Jumblr that are all about how ex-Christian atheists only exist because of a particular feature of Christian-dominated culture? Because I just read a post that said "you're all supercessionists" and I feel so uneasy.

I can only speak for myself and my own becoming an atheist (and later deciding religious practice is good for me even though I'm pretty sure God is something we made up, and therefore it's random and unimportant which one anyone worships if at all.)

But for me, it wasn't so much "I don't like this religion because it tells me not to be gay and kinky. Therefore I dislike all religion."

It was

"I'm already not sure there's a god, and therefore uneasy anyway, but WHY does god tell me not to be gay and kinky?"

"Tradition."

"What's the value of tradition?"

"...what kind of a question is that?"

"Oh, I'm doing that neurodivergent thing where you say a concept-word and I don't understand it and we can't even talk because you assume I do. 'Tradition' is weird meaningless neurotypical for 'There is a script. I don't care how it got here. It is my script.'"

"Yes?"

"Then fuck 'tradition.' Scripts should not be arbitrary."

"Whoa, you're scary and spiteful.... Say, what do you think of other religions?"

"Do they use 'tradition?'"

"That's pretty much all they are, if you don't think gods are real."

"Then I do not like them."

While it's true that for some reason, queer Jews don't seem to do the "Why is this rule here?" "Tradition." "Then tradition is bad." thing, I... feel like the queer Jews who DO find value in tradition come up with all these weird explanations for what the rest of us are doing to avoid "I'm neurodivergent, and no one explained what 'a tradition' is in a way that isn't hurtful. So I decided 'traditions' are bad, unless people can prove they are useful. Like having three meals a day--it's not necessary, but it works well for many humans, so it ended up just worthwhile to tell all the humans to do things that way, so now you know what it means that 'she's at lunch.'"

If I didn't know for a fact that MANY of the people saying this stuff on Jumblr are themselves autistic, I'd say it's that thing where neurotypical people keep using a word, and they think you must understand that word because you've heard it in context enough times that you can use it, but really you don't know what people are actually getting at and you're pantomiming, and the people Discoursing don't know that and are just hostile to neurodivergence and coming up with all sorts of weird "why they're like that" that are anything but "they don't know what this means."

I returned to religious practice, but even that's in line with this--I discovered in a tough time in my life that religious messaging about being loved unconditionally helped me to feel better when other things didn't, so I decided I wanted to hear it more often. It also helped to remind me to be kind and helpful to other humans.

Thus, for me, Christianity turned out to be a useful tradition. I didn't get the Unconditional Love from real people I knew, so I made up a guy and decided he feels that way. About me and also about other people who are struggling who I want to help but can't unconditionally love because, uh, I have a personality.

I'm less judgy of other religions now because even if they don't sound like useful traditions to ME, I can see why they'd be useful to others maybe. (I personally don't get the idea of religious law; life has enough rules without me taking on more of them, especially if some of them are "don't have gay sex" or "ritually cleanse yourself after gay sex as it makes you unclean." I get that other people can ignore that one, but if I agree to a set of rules I agree to all of them, and I want to have gay sex. The only cleansing I want to do is pee afterward. But I gather this doesn't work the same way for a lot of people who happily follow religious law, so.)

But I do not think I'm any closer to understanding why some people accept traditions without having personal reasons to do so. I just think that's part of my neurodivergence, honestly, and that many if not most "Reddit atheists" are neurodivergent in a similar way, which is why until I started noticing them being dicks and going redpill (just another tradition! Why are you gendertrads?!) I felt I'd found My People.

And I certainly don't think I'm secretly supersessionist. I think a religious tradition that puts less stress on Laws and Proper Tradition Following is better for ME, because of MY BRAIN (and also probably just that I grew up with it so I get it.)

It's not superior to any other piece of fiction with a big fandom that people use to improve their lives (by which I mean "any other religion").

15 notes · View notes

jemmo · 10 months

Note

omg thank you so much for replying to my rant with another rant, i love your takes on this show so much istg my brain is just his man 2 these days 😭 i also wanted to rant about junsungho because i'm so obsessed with them, they've completely taken over my heart. like even without a date, they've progressed so beautifully and naturally, it's just impossible for me to not root for them. it's the way junsung takes every opportunity he can to show sungho all his love languages - gift giving in the form of zero coke and cookies, the adorable quality time they shared when they were roommates and throughout ep 7, physical touch in the form of head pats to wake sungho up, words of affirmation 24/7 and especially through his phonecalls, and the continuous acts of service 🥹 he's so sincere and straightforward, yet he never does anything to burden sungho with his feelings. he never expects anything in return and just follows his heart, so whenever sungho does do something for him it feels extra special and god why is he the cutest ever 😭 i'd like to think that junsung is definitely starting to affect sungho way more than he thought he would (like hello, the 100% friendship turning into him being 50/50) and it's so apparent why - he looks so comfortable around junsung, their banter is so natural and the way junsung's phonecalls make him smile like THAT every time is just so telling. i really hope they get a chance to go on a date real soon because i think just the two of them hanging out and focusing on each other is what sungho really needs (what we all need honestly) 🥺

we are well and truly stuck in his man 2 land until this ends arent we?? who am i kidding, im gonna be stuck here afterwards too i seriously cannot get this show out of my mind and at this point ive gone past coherent thought, all my rants are just me gushing.

and you are so so right about junsung and sungho, my roommates that arent even roommates anymore but will always be roommates in my heart. there is just something so special about watching the way junsung has approached sungho, it honestly feels like something ive never seen before neither in fiction or reality bc it is just so pure hearted and sincere and simple. like he likes this person and he's just showing it in whatever way he can and not ever demanding anything in return, its the kind of affection that is like i just wanna see you happy and i'd really like it if i could be the one to make you happy. and there's something so special about how he's had such rubbish experiences both with coming out and dating and we don't even know the half of it and yet he remains this good of a person, its like in the face of the shit life has thrown him, he's stood resolutely and said i won't let this change me, i will still be me. like he is truly someone that is not hiding, and the way he instantly claimed his sexuality when forced to come out tells me that he will not stand for people making him doubt or feel ashamed about who he is. and you can feel that steadfast resolution in how he pursues sungho, and this faith in his own feelings that singled him out on day one and not wavering since. and yet he never demands reciprocation. that's why its so nice to watch, bc you arent watching someone pursue someone unwantedly, or make them feel pressured to return that affection. he just constantly makes sure sungho knows and is reminded of his feelings and sungho can reciprocate if/when he wants to. and thats why i never feel uneasy watching them, bc i dont feel like sungho is uneasy or under any pressure to do anything or change his behaviour or tiptoe around junsung's feelings. its pure ease, and thats why its so beautiful to see sungho slowly develop those feelings for junsung. its giving fell first vs fell harder yknow, like look at this person doing so much not just with this arbitrary end to date me, but bc he actually likes and cares about me, the person, not the goal. and when i watched the first ep of the show, sungho was my instant favourite bc he is so cute and hot and charming and loveable and kind and funny, he has so many sides to him that you wouldnt expect, and i adore junsung for all the reasons ive just ranted about too, so it says a lot when i say these two people are so deserving of each other, like i would not settle for anything less than someone who appreciates these people for everything they are, and thats what these two are.

and when we get that 1 on 1 date, bc i know its happening, i feel it in my bones, you know im gonna be in tears in front of that screen, with the biggest dumbest smile on my face, and i wont be able to move on from it

#his man 2 #just clocking in for my daily roommates rant bc if i cant find the epitome of true love on a gay korean dating show then where is it #like they make me believe that maybe this world isnt so shit and maybe humans are capable of deep meaningful connection bc look at them #its truly shit you could not write and yet the forces of the universe made it so

22 notes · View notes

jobey-wan-kenobi · 1 year

Text

The Engines as Mentors

Okay but I'm eternally salty that TVS in particular—though it was RIGHT to expand the NWR fleet—failed to use the dynamic of the OG characters from the books all functioning as Mentors and Elder Statesmen to the newer and more obscure and younger engines.

It would have been THE way to effectively integrate the newbies (looking especially hard at you, HIT era). Like, some of the best use of the new characters already are when they fall into a mentee dynamic with one of the established characters. But the TVS writers really only ever let this happen with, like, Thomas? To a degree? And Edward? A bit? And then the best and most beloved BWBA episodes (BWBA!) are when Gordon and, again, Edward get more of this sort of material. And then again, in fuckin' AEG, the most popular thing so far seems to be Gordon's whole Grumpy Dad shtick.

But I think canon and fan writers should have done this with all the classic characters. After decades as The Famous Eight—erm, Ten—(but not Eleven—to me Oliver is in that category of newbie that needs looking after. which is what the rest of the Little Western spends most of his one book doing!) they are all kinda old af and well-qualified and honestly just should be mentoring the diesels and younger steam engines and whatever wide-eyed newcomers are brought to the Island Where Fever Dreams Come True and Culture Shock Is Probably One Hell of a Bitch.

LIKE. Percy. Yes, absolutely Percy! He's inconsistent about standing up for himself or making good decisions in his own working life but honestly his instincts when it comes to others have always been completely on-point. And he never has any hesitation about acting on his instincts so there is a recipe here for big-brother success. He must be so wonderful with uncertain new engines. I think he would have been much better for taking Molly under his wing than Thomas, and he must be a god among many of the newer tank engines. Like the dynamic I tried to paint in my headcanon post about Harvey—Percy gives whiplash as your mentor because he will always support you 100% but sometimes he will suddenly make the most baffling decisions and if you are not, yourself, a natural chaos gremlin, you are just along for the ride and possibly dying of secondhand embarrassment. But again, you also get over it because no one will ever show up for you more consistently than Percy the Caterpillar Engine.

The BWBA era thing where Gordon winds up mentoring Rebecca is... like, fine, I guess. I don't have any complaints about it, but—as I tried to show in my ficlet with him and Derek—I think Gordon's most typical mentorships have two unmistakable characteristics:

it is insanely arbitrary as to whether or not he decides to take you on. if you wind up in his circle of trust you probably weren't trying or even remotely expecting. it is also hard for anyone else to understand why Gordon looked at a new engine and said to himself "Yes. That one." Because the way Gordon makes emotional decisions is utterly impenetrable—this is RWS canon. Why did Gordon one day go from being Pure Unadulterated Jackass Whose Only Thought So Far In His Life Has Been "Me! Me! Meeeee!" to the engine who (evidently? without?? snark???) suggested the Fat Controller let Henry out of the tunnel to take a turn on his train? Honestly we don't know but it remains Gordon's signature style. Why did Gordon do an about-face after James took the express and graciously decide James was his new buddy? Well, to save face of course, but Gordon is also not above a good grudge so it feels like a coin toss. Why did Gordon decide to be super gracious when he rescued Percy and Thomas from their RWS scrapes? No one knows but somehow these moments are so quintessentially him (even though showing up moaning and scolding would have also been quintessentially him). And—most relevantly of all—there is what I regard as his archetypal moment with BoCo. 'My dear engine! You SAVED MY LIFE.' 'I mean, you're welcome for getting rid of them but they were never actually going to kill you.' 'YES THEY WERE. THEY HAD MURDER IN THEIR HEARTS. YOU ARE A GOD AMONG DIESELS, STANDING STRONG AGAINST THE FORCES OF DARKNESS.' '... Sure.' Gordon logic is not the same as earth logic and his reasons for rejecting or accepting others seldom make much sense.

If he does take you on, you may not even notice. Gordon is very stuffy and kind of... emotionally remote. His mentorship style consists of long rambling bouts of relating/boasting about his own experiences and/or advising you, without you able to get much of a word in edgewise—but then, he does this with everyone who is ever stuck with him—and doing extraordinarily nice things for you such as pulling strings to get you the best assignments or upgrades but he'll do it all behind your back, so it might take a while before you realize. (But you'd better, because even though he deliberately decides to do these things in secret, he will also privately feel hurt and hard-done-by if you don't figure it out and thank him. Or at least exclaim happily in his presence and sing the praises of your unknown fairy godfather.)

So yes, mentor!Gordon is a lot like friend!Gordon and worker!Gordon. He is pretty damn high-maintenance but he is also genuinely quite worth it. What his relationships lack in... comprehensibility they make up for in loyalty and generosity. ALTHOUGH. It's worth laughing because I think most of the engines he takes on are decent, polite engines who perhaps have some self-confidence issues. Basically it's like any engine he meets afterwards who is in the Edward mould he is actually magnificent to, which is hysterical considering that one of the keynotes in early canon was Gordon bullying the shit out of Edward. (I still think that wasn't malicious though, and more Gordon did not yet have the remotest understanding of Himself, Theory of Mind, or How to Be a Friend.)

If you have self-confidence issues but you do not win Gordon's capricious favor, never fear! You have James. Who is even more capricious, but that's not to say he's never been the most faaaaaabulous mentor in the world, c'est ne pas? Look. I want to see James as the catalyst for shy newcomers having a glow up. In appearance and attitude. I don't think he does he often but it has definitely happened around twice. I somehow have never actually watched "Rosie is Red" or "The Fastest Red Engine on Sodor" while paying attention but I've been assuming that's exactly how Rosie's Confident Girl Arc went down. Maybe he could be a similar idol for Neville or Flora. Another thing that has happened twice is James just flat-out corrupting a couple of the Good, Buttoned-Down Boys and Girls. I still want to see James take, like, Porter or Arthur and teach 'em anger. Introduce them to the world of (tiny) rebellions. By the time James is done with them, they are starting to Display Behaviors, and Act In Certain Ways.

Henry, I firmly believe (sticking out my tongue at most of the TVS and magazine writing for him), is actually regarded very intimidating. Like Gordon and James are intimidating too, but they are also known jackasses and the universe is known to have slapped them around reliably when they get too far up their own tenders. Also Gordon usually puts on an air of affability—in RWS it's Henry who is the Grumpy One (and meanwhile James, though he has a foul temper, is just too ADHD to be properly intimidating). I suspect Henry's actually always had the reputation for being extremely snobbish. Which is silly because he's only mildly to moderately snobbish, but there you are. He also doesn't put himself out there socially, but of course if you put yourself out there to him he's perfectly friendly. Anyway newcomers and young engines wouldn't know this right away. I think Henry's specialty is mentees in the mold of Bear and my OC Laura and even Rebecca—extroverted, expressive engines who show him respect. In those cases you see his best side, all kindliness and unstinting support. And Henry's support is really valuable, for the usual reasons that all the OGs have a lot of pull on the railway but also because Henry is surprisingly sage and sensible. He doesn't have the reputation for it the way Edward does, due to some of his notoriously poor decision-making in his earlier years and the way he can still sometimes be a bit literal or naive. But even if he's had to learn most things the hard way, he hasn't lied to himself about it and therefore he's developed a very clear-eyed view on things. Refreshingly simple and sound. We see this already in the RWS Super Rescue—he's got Bear and Spamcan pretty well-pegged long before the story ends. He also values engine solidarity in a really consistent, utterly unpretentious way that shows you he doesn't even think about it, it's just become a part of who he is. I love it. And, of course, he's bold as brass. He once hissed steam at his boss and essentially told him to fuck off for no better reason than it was raining and he just wasn't feelin' it. He had the most horrid wreck in the series and after being rebuilt he just got right back on that horse, pulling Flying Kippers again for the next century without the slightest sign of trauma. So if you need him for something, he won't hesitate to move earth and heaven for a friend. He may be a bit of a hypochondriac and likes to predict doom and gloom but he is fundamentally pretty fearless when it comes time for action. (Cut him a break with the elephant thing—he's allowed to have tunnel-related trauma, okay?)

Of course there was one extroverted engine inclined to hero-worship that Henry rejected in canon as a mentee, and that was Philip. Which brings us to Edward, and I fully agree with the fandom consensus that he is the mentor ever, capable of and inclined to look out for, like, everyone. All I'm saying is that I think the others can also step up in this way... Anyway, Edward's specialty of course is engines who are in the mould of Thomas, engines who are excited and eager to work but who talk a lot and might have a streak of mischief and who are definitely considered Too Much by everyone else. Edward likes energetic gremlins. They've always kept him young at heart. And, more importantly, they trust him so completely. Probably because they can tell he's one of the few who genuinely doesn't mind them at what everyone else considers their Most Annoying. He never tells them to hold still or quiet down or make themselves smaller in any way, so they are incredibly receptive to whatever he does tell them.

But what if you're Too Much and you are not eager? If you are not susceptible to admiring Edward's stellar work ethic? I think this is where Thomas shines. Like I think HIT abbreviated and simplified the conflicts with Dennis and Billy too much but it was such a gold mine. Because Thomas, see. You get these little sneaky rotters who don't want to listen to anyone—and at first Thomas seems like the most out-of-touch engine on the rails. Coz Thomas is a tryhard. He also has that whole "corporate positivity" thing going on. Like, the way I resolve the way TVS massacring my boy is by supposing that, after all, Thomas might have really tried to adopt that persona, especially in the '80s when he was inducted into the National Collection and the, well, television series got underway and Thomas becomes damn near the most famous locomotive in the world, certainly he knows he is an icon for children, and he might have figured that, well, this means I have to be a Good Role Model and Teach Children Valuable Lessons. And so he really did try to do this whole pep-talk, moralizing, sugary sweet encouragement thing (and he has a Word of the Day calendar, lol).

And the Dennises and Billies of the world look at that and—understandably, I think—retch a little. But then they double down. And the thing is, when they push Thomas too far, Thomas forgets to be sweetness and light, and just becomes himself. First of all, a foul-mouthed little drill-sergeant wannabe ("Cinders and ashes!!!!" "Who's been late every afternoon this week?!" "You're too fat—you need exercise!" "IF YOU DIE? IF YOU DIE, MOTHERFUCKER? SO WHAT?! I WOULDN'T GIVE A SHIT COZ I'D BE TOO BUSY FINALLY RUNNING MY GODDAMN TRAIN TO TIME." - all direct quotes from Thomas the Tank Engine, ladies and gents) Secondly, an extremely experienced engine who really has done a bit of everything by this point (he even hitched a ride on the Wild Nor'wester that one time, lol) and who is pretty skeptical so he's hard to fool (Percy was the last engine to really ever get one over on him, during the Ghost Train incident, and that's ancient history by this point). If you try to get away with doing a shitty job he's bound to notice and he will be quite acid-tongued if you've pierced his PR Persona. Third, although he can be kinda self-involved and the last to "get" what's going on with newcomers, he is surrounded by his old friends, who are all pretty good about either clocking an engine's whole Deal, getting all the tea like the gossips they are, or both. So while he was still in his amiable-idiot stage of your acquaintance, you, poor rebellious fool, thought you had the run of things but all the while he was getting up to speed on your whole deal. Which means you won't be prepared, should you really commit to ongoing antisocial behavior, for Thomas the Beacon of Children Everywhere to abruptly cast up your entire life story to you and to read it for filth, telling you the merciless truth about yourself in a way that the other engines pieced together but with which they probably never hit you deadass between the eyes.

Of course, this doesn't mean the would-be punks and malcontents who get onto Sodor are instantly cured, lol (though it has gone down that way a few times—my alternate version of Billy's intro story would feature an end where he's just gobsmacked into submission). Sometimes it just means you are going to decide Thomas is your Hated Enemy for Life, but you know what? You will have to step up your game in order to compete with him or even to gain enough clout to try and sabotage him so you're still playing into his hand (if we accept TVS's idea that 'Devious Diesel' did become a part of the Sodor family, I think this is how he was successfully integrated. At some point Thomas unexpectedly read him the riot act and Diesel was like 'who the FUCK are you?? like i know i already had beef with all the main line engines but where the hell did YOU come from???' but then after decades of competition they are essentially frenemies). But mostly the thing is, you are shell-shocked for just long enough, and you'd probably shift to being a bigger asshole than before... but, during that period where you're still burned, you are also looking at all of Sodor and every engine on it with fresh eyes (because if Thomas the Merchandise Engine could ream you out like that, perhaps you underestimated everything about this place). And you are noticing something else. Once Thomas has scalded you with his bitchery, he's also your friend. It's almost his version of sharing his lunch with you on the playground. (Something something salt and vinegar.) For all he rode Henry so hard from some of the earliest days of canon, I bet you he also beat down any 'outsiders' who took shots at him. For all he and Percy squabble, they are the closest of friends (and they weren't! for decades! but the more they squabbled, the closer they got). Getting into a knock-down fistfight is alarmingly close to Thomas's love language, and by the time he's savaged you verbally he is also invested in you. Once he's told you what he really thinks of you, he's also going to start showing up for you genuinely.

And that's when the little shits see the final side of Thomas. The genuine good humor. Obviously it doesn't win over everyone but there is a real groundedness and humility that I am sure Thomas can show (I tried to show this in the fic I made with @shinygoku based off their artwork of Thomas and Daisy) that is hard to resist. He's also fucked up along the way in every way imaginable so even when he side-eyes you, he's not looking down at you. I can just see him showing screw-ups a lot of grace so long as they let down their guard even somewhat because he's been there. Hoo boy, has he been there. That's why kids actually love him (it's not your vocabulary lessons and beaming smile, Thom, though the effort is appreciated), and it's why young engines can wind up loving him too. He doesn't hold what you've done in the past against you; he genuinely believes in second chances (and third, and...). Plus he knows every engine needs some excitement and responsibility in their lives. He has never forgotten the insanity-inducing frustration of being tethered to Vicarstown station.

Basically, once you cut past Thomas's earnest (and bullshit) attempt to be Perfect Kids' Role Model, he's actually always been great at keeping it real. And that's where a genuine respect can often grow.

#long post #ttte #the railway series #ttte analysis #ttte headcanon #ttte plot inspiration #ttte multiple characters #i'm out of steam #so as usual i'm gonna screw over everyone but the first six <3 #i mean rws actually shows us how toby and all the little westerners do this sort of thing #(which i think is a big part of why they feel so well-developed and intriguing)#it's just that tvs didn't really show them any love at all so it didn't carry over #but we know toby's approach from when mavis arrives #(not sure we're ready to have a real conversation about toby and mavis actually)#and we know how the little westerners do mentorship #as in oliver doesn't and the other three just try to keep him alive lol #and ofc toad actually does most of the work but i can't tackle the rolling stock right now #pragmatic sharp-tongued donald is the most buffers-off of the whole lot #but when he does give a word of advice it's always sound #and taken all the more seriously because it's so rare #douglas doesn't feel he's qualified to preach haha he's action only but ofc that's a language as well #i think FutureRust's 'The Bargain' portrayed that dynamic amazingly #esp in how she has duck and donald respectively look after others #in other 'as usuals' from jobey haha we'll end this with a shameless plug for some fic or another and tonight it's that one #maybe i should have included links to my own stuff in this but i'm too tired off it goes as is

71 notes · View notes

itsjellybone · 6 months

Text

Ultimate Haunted House was such a devastating experience I completely forgot that we watched the disastrous debut of Silent Hill: Ascension this evening. The technological bugs seem to be wide and varied, but for me personally, the audio for the introductory tutorials(?) and explanations were overlaid with the “game” stream, making everything immediately overwhelming and incomprehensible. You would think this would be resolved by getting into stream early, but you are a fool! I DID get to stream early, and had to back out because those same introductory screens were then overlaid with the dev (I assume) preshow talk. A mess! I played (“played”) through the website, but I’m seeing people experience other bugs on app.

Also the story is an absolutely incomprehensible mess of quibi style scenes with minimal connective tissue, and the choose your own adventure element is monetized with fake currency called “inspiration points.” Each player is NOT equal in the vote for scene outcomes, if you buy more points you can put more into a decision to make sure it wins

There’s a season pass!

You get cosmetics for your completely arbitrary and baffling avatar (very ugly) (it does not have any use except that it can potentially make a cameo(??) in “game” scenes???) and completely atonal and sometimes simply inappropriate emotes for the unmoderated in-game chat. I turned off the chat whenever it made an appearance, but I read that the word “kill” is censored in chat. Somebody pointed out that chatters aren’t allowed to say “kill” on the decision about whether a character believes her dad(?) killed his wife or not.

The ui is overwhelming at any and every moment, and it just looks like a cheap mobile game? I suppose it’s not really surprising from the company that microtransactioned additional save slots, but it still managed to surpass my expectations (negative). They’re so busy tripping over themselves to demand money they forgot to make a sellable product!

The qte section came on out of nowhere, completely divorced from the narrative section— not just in gameplay (which they did not explain before it started or allowed viewers to prepare for), but also the scene was….impossible to place in any sort of context?

It’s really only worth examining as a Silent Hill property for its disastrous Konami influence. The only consistent thread tying Silent Hill games together was tone (and then reference to the first 3 games for every release after The Room), and at least in this INTRODUCTORY EPISODE(!) they have neither tone nor reference! Until the bizarre otherworld qte segment I guess.

Bizarre, absurd experience. If it wasn’t so exhausting, I’d almost think it would be funny to see where it goes first-hand, but EVERY DAY? FOR SIX MONTHS?? I expect the audience dropoff will be swift and vicious. I’ll admit it! I’m delightfully anticipating the backlash from high profile silent hill fans (the kind who explore development more than lore).

I feel for the devs though. Apparently a lot of them are refugees from the Telltale layoffs, and given Konami’s history and the product as it released today, development seems nightmarish. It looks like there were about 3 different studios (for various aspects of the development?) involved, and I have to wonder how the communication and workflow worked out between them all. The results suggest….not well. I assume they really tried to make something good, and I’m sorry it turned out this way. It’s important to keep that human element in mind. (That doesn’t mean anybody should put any money into this oh my god please)

#silent hill #silent hill ascension

17 notes · View notes

shadyruinskryptonite · 5 months

Text

Titan Bending Chapter 7

Warning: Violence consistent with cannon, NSFW so MDNI, language, major character death (both consistent with canon of both AOT and ATLA as well as diverging from canon), so much trauma literally everyone is so traumatized, very much slow burn, a little enemies to lovers, SO MUCH ANGST, hurt/comfort, hurt and delayed comfort, AFAB reader

Chapter Warnings: fear of horses, graphic depiction of Eren after failed tests (a la S3Ep1 Smoke Signal), death, titans killing people (pretty par for the course but still), loss of entire village, it’s implied that the reader is short (I try not to give these kinds of descriptors so that as many people as possible will identify with it but I’M short and it just fits so well, apologies in advance)

WC: 3967

Previous Chapter, Next Chapter

Masterlist

Tags: @mochminnie @sseleniaa

When Hange said we’d be taking a field trip, she failed to mention that it meant that the entirety of her and Levi’s squads would be going into hiding at a cabin in the woods. It’s not a bad place to stay, it’s actually rather cozy even if it does mean we’re keeping tight quarters. Tight quarters aren’t all that bad though, it means that I’ve gotten to know each of the kids quite well. They don’t always get along, but it’s more in the family sort of way than like they don’t actually like each other.

Every day they remind me more and more of the Gaang.

“We’ll discuss your complete and utter failure at a later date,” Levi’s voice cuts off my thoughts. “Eren, Hange is anxious to get started on today’s experiment.”

Good, that will give me a chance to clean while they’re all out. I think I’m the only one whose cleaning Levi actually approves of.

My thoughts make me giggle to myself and I notice Levi glance in my direction despite no one else seeming to notice.

God, is there anything that little shit doesn’t notice?

As everyone heads out to the clearing, Krista, or rather, Historia and I stay behind to keep working on the house. As per usual we finish in no time - even the bottoms of the tables and the walls.

“Your cleaning certainly makes up for anything else Captain Levi might not like about you,” Kri- Historia remarks. I laugh at her observation.

“You think so? I don’t know, it seems like he’s always scrutinizing me more than everyone else so I wouldn’t say it completely makes up for it. And besides, it’s like he checks my cleaning more thoroughly like he’s waiting for me to make a mistake,” I lament.

“Honestly, at this point I think he just expects a lot out of you,” Historia counters.

“Oh really? How so?”

“Well,” she begins, “you are able to clean at a level that no one else physically can so you’ve set the bar high there. Then as far as performance goes, your waterbending has proven more than once now to be faster than ODM gear and, frankly, watching you maneuver looks like when I’m watching him so I think he just expects you to perform like him at everything now.”

Her description gives me pause.

Is it really possible that I’ve been reading him wrong? No, right? While sure he may have this arbitrary set of expectations, he surely is also waiting for me to fail. He’s called “Humanity’s Strongest Soldier” so he probably just views me as a threat to that title.

Unaware of my internal dialogue, Historia continues, “plus, you take care of all of us like a mom, which I’m sure he appreciates.”

This catches my attention. “You think? I don’t understand, why would that matter to him?”

She giggles, and I can see why so many of the boys pine after her because it’s truly a beautiful sound. Her little laughter alone makes me smile before she says, “I think he cares about people more than you give him credit for. I’ve seen him hold dying soldiers’ hands and promise not to forget them and when his squad was killed by the Female Titan, he collected all of their Wings of Freedom patches. Rumor has it he keeps those patches in his desk.”

I feel an immense sense of guilt wash over me. I stand there, pensive, lost in my thoughts for a moment.

I wanted to crack him, figure out how he ticks, and I thought I had but it seems I didn’t even try. I can’t believe I was so shallow…

In the distance, Eren’s titan lets out a scream that sounds more like a platypus bear caught in a trap and I swear I can hear Hange shrieking.

“Should we go check it out?” I wonder aloud.

“We might as well, Hange probably wants to work with you too,” she says with a playful elbow to my side. I throw an arm around her in a hug as we head out.

When we get to the clearing, Hange is tearing Eren out of a sickly looking Titan. His face is gone. The sight is repulsive.

Historia goes up to where Levi and Armin are standing, and I head towards Eren and a seemingly livid Hange.

As she spouts off whatever, I hear Moblit accuse her of having no compassion to which I frown.

She just gets carried away.

Walking up to them, I call out “ya know, I know he can heal himself but that looks pretty gnarly so I can try to help. We haven’t tried my healing on him yet.” This seems to perk Hange back up, and she nearly throws the poor kid at me, much to Mikasa’s chagrin.

Instead of going straight for his face, since that’s the worst, I go for something with lower stakes - his arm. As I begin healing he lets out some guttural noise and I stop in my tracks. Not only does it seem like it’s hurting him, but it seems like it’s making it worse as I see the spot now starting to bleed where it didn’t previously.

“Huh! Fascinating! Perhaps try a different spot?” Hange inquires over my shoulder.

“What?! No! Clearly that’s hurting him. He can heal on his own, I just wanted to see if I could speed up the process but clearly that’s not the case so no, I’m not going to torture the poor kid!” At my response, I can see Hange almost get angry with me. Just as she’s about to order me to try again, I speak up saying, “remember our agreement Hang. I won’t do anything that I don’t agree with. And I don’t agree with hurting this boy just because you got carried away with an experiment.”

She comes back to reality and her face immediately takes on a bit of guilt. “I-I’m sorry,” she admits quietly.

I put my hand on her shoulder, catching her off guard, before I say, “It’s alright, everyone knows how into it you get in the moment.” I smile at her before it’s her turn to catch me off guard, capturing me in a tight hug. I smooth down her untamed hair and hear Levi calling from the cliff, stating that he and Hange’s squad were heading back to Trost and for the rest of us to return to the cabin.

I bid Hange a farewell before realizing that everyone besides Historia and I had come here on those horse…things. Eren was in no position to ride alone so he was placed with Mikasa, leaving a horse for Historia.

“I, uh, I’m good walking,” I say while rubbing my neck. All of the kids just stare at me a little.

“Just hop on with someone,” Mikasa says like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t want to be a bother,” I say with a nervous chuckle.

“Have you never ridden a horse?!” Connie cajoles.

“No! I’ve never ridden a ‘horse,’” I say in a mocking tone. “I’ve ridden an OSTRICHhorse but those are far less…intimidating.” Eying up one of the horses, I decide that they are, in fact, terrifying.

Now it’s Jean’s turn to tease me. “Ahhh come on, they’re harmless! Plus you won’t even be riding alone!”

“Easy for you to say, you’re already half horse anyway!” I retort, drawing unbridled laughter from all of the kids and making Jean blush.

Sasha approaches me on her horse and I take a step back. She gets down and sweetly says, “I’ve been riding my whole life, if you’re safe with anyone on a horse, it’s me. So, you just get up there first and then I’ll join you. You don’t have to do any of the work, just enjoy the scenery!”

I blink at her for a few moments, but I can tell she’s being completely sincere. “You just wanna get back so we can eat lunch,” I joke and her mouth waters slightly. I continue, “but…I’ll give it a try.”

I put my foot in the stirrup and hoist myself up, clutching the little knobby thing on the saddle as if my life depends on it. Sasha gets back up with ease. She wraps her arms around me to grab the reins and I’m struck by the intimate possibility this has.

“Damn, at least take me on a date first,” I say with a wink over my shoulder at her. Sasha, Historia, and Mikasa laugh, but the boys just chuckle, with seemingly all of them blushing.

Then suddenly we’re riding, and the fear returns and I stiffen up. Over my shoulder, I hear Sasha reassure me, “relax, you’re totally fine. Horses can sense fear.”

“Oh yeah, that’s REAL reassuring.”

It’s a short ride back to the cabin and as we continue, I do start to loosen up. I even go so far as to pat the horse’s neck. At one point Connie and Jean decide to try to make Sasha fuck with me by challenging her to a race and then taking off, and while I can tell she wants to join she refrains.

“Thanks, Sash. I think going full speed would traumatize me.” She just giggles at me.

We soon arrive back at the cabin and when we do, the boys are bickering about who won. I simply roll my eyes and laugh as I feel Sasha slide off of the horse’s back before she helps me down. As I’m walking inside, I hear Jean stop arguing with Connie and call out, “Y/n! Tomorrow: you’re learning how to ride a horse even if it kills you!”

I try and fail to hide my distaste for the idea, thinking that it just might kill me. But, reluctantly, I agree shooting back, “Are you going to be the one to teach me Kirstein? Since you’re more at one with the horses, I mean?” I smirk at him as he stands there sputtering to the sound of Connie’s laughter.

With the departure of Levi and Hange, we had to be extra vigilant on watch. I had one of the earlier shifts along with Mikasa. After we were relieved by Sasha and Jean, we return to find Connie also awake. While Mikasa just stares at him, I can tell something is wrong.

“Can’t sleep?” I inquire softly.

“Uh, yeah, you could say that,” he responds.

I shoo away Mikasa to get some sleep and offer to make him some tea which he happily accepts. We sit in silence for a moment before I ask, “so, do you want to talk about the nightmare or would you rather have a distraction?”

He stares at me surprised for a moment, so I explain, “this isn’t my first rodeo. I’m pretty sure everyone I’ve ever been close with has been plagued by nightmares, myself included.”

He smiles slightly as I can tell he’s pondering what he needs. After a deep sigh, he just softly says, “it was about my village.”

I sit quietly, waiting for him to continue. As he stares at his tea, I cautiously say, “I’m sorry Connie, I don’t know what happened in your village.”

It’s almost as if realization dawns on him, and based on the pain in his eyes I quickly add, “-you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, bud.”

“No, it’s okay. I didn’t know that you didn’t know but it makes sense,” he begins talking and it’s clear it’s hard for him to talk about, but it also seems like he needs to talk about it. “After Annie attacked and we captured her, there was a supposed breach in the walls. Titans wiped out my entire village, but,” he trails off.

I reach over and put my hand on his shoulder, overwhelmed with sadness and empathy. He takes a deep breath before continuing, ��but there’s something strange about it.” I furrow my eyebrows, searching his face and only finding confusion.

“Strange how?”

“Well, there is no evidence that they were eaten by titans. Neighboring villages, yes. It’s clear that titans killed everyone. But mine is like they all just…vanished. And there was this giant titan too. Looked like some kind of hairy beast. Clearly an abnormal. I think it has something to do with it. The weirdest part, and the worst, honestly, is that there’s one titan that seems like it can’t walk just stuck on top of my house. As weird as it sounds, it looks like my mom and I know it sounds crazy but I swear on everything that it talked to me!”

I can only hope my face doesn’t betray me as he’s telling me this, because I AM shocked but I don’t want to freak him out or worry him more.

I muster all of my composure to respond, “I…I’m sorry Connie. I believe you, and I’m sorry that people have made you feel crazy for what you experienced. That sucks, though. I wish there was something more eloquent I could say but it just truly sucks. When tragedies happen, people often say things like “you’ll be okay,” and shit like that, and while that’s true that eventually you will be okay, it doesn’t make the right now any better. So I guess the best I can do for you is recognize that yeah, what you’re going through is unimaginable. And you’re allowed to be sad, angry, confused -- all of it.”

I see his eyes get glassy, and I rub his shoulder again as I pour another cup of tea for the both of us. Not wanting to make him speak before he’s ready, I speak again saying, “ya know, I think you’ve made Ragako very proud. Even though war isn’t a glorious thing, you’re definitely the hero of the village because you’ll keep their memory alive.” I smile as I finish, and by now the tears have spilled over so I pull him into a tight hug.

After we stay like this for a moment, he shakily says, “thank you, y/n.”

I smile again and assure him that he doesn’t have to thank me. “I’m glad you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me.” I chuckle a little before continuing, “and actually, if there’s anyone that even sort of understands what you’re going through, it’s probably me.” His eyebrows furrow so I give him a sad smile and add, “my village was actually attacked by the fire nation about 10 years ago. So, yeah, I don’t get it, but I know the feeling. So if you ever need to talk to someone, I’m always here for you, Connie.” I pause before smiling wider and saying, “plus, I barely sleep so there’s a good chance that I’m awake whenever you might need me.”

“I-I-I’m sorry. I…I had no idea,” he stutters out.

“Oh no, don’t worry about it I know that you didn’t know -- no one here knows that about me, actually. Not even Hange, come to think of it. But no, I didn’t tell you for you to feel sympathy or anything like that, I just wanted you to know that even though this is a unique situation you’re in, you’re not alone.” I patted him on the shoulder and he smiled back at me.

Finishing his cup of tea, Connie yawns and I bid him a goodnight before he has to take his guard shift.

Smiling at our interaction, I finish my own tea and clean up before I slip out unnoticed to get some training in.

It’s probably not my brightest idea to go out on my own right now, but I’ve been fine on my own before so I’ll be fine now.

I return as the sun is rising and slip back in just as I had slipped out, only a few people are awake now.

Jean confronts me, “Where were you?” It almost sounds like he’s trying to scold me like a parent, making me laugh.

I walk up to him and ruffle his hair, which clearly flusters him. “Just getting a workout in, that’s all.”

At our conversation, more people seem to stir. Jean grunts and grumbles out, “just making sure you weren’t trying to skip out on your riding lesson.”

Fuck.

I sigh and exasperatedly say, “are you really going to go through with this?” to which I’m met with all of the kids nodding in excitement.

Huffing, I say, “aight, let’s just get this over with then.”

I can almost feel their excitement in the air, and while I’m putting on an annoyed face, I can’t begrudge them the fun they’re having with this. The joy quickly melts into a dispute about who has the most well-mannered horse for me to practice on. I let them go for a moment before I ultimately made the final decision.

“How about I just use Sasha’s horse since I’m already familiar with it?” I ask.

This starts a new round of bickering about who should be the teacher because “Sasha can’t teach if she’s not on her horse but Jean isn’t a good teacher and…” so on and so forth.

From over my shoulder, I hear an almost imperceptible, “why not Eren or Mikasa’s horses? Since neither of them are here.” I turn and smile at Historia, who made the suggestion. Knowing I’m the only one that heard her, I clap my hands loudly and declare that it’s settled, I’ll ride whomever’s horse is the calmest between Eren and Mikasa.

To make the final decision, I’m given two carrots and told to try to feed them both and whichever one I “vibe” with the best will be who I ride. Sasha shows me how to feed a horse and I’m horrified that it has to be from the palm of my hand.

Connie, getting a kick out of the situation, mocks me and points out, “oh come on, you mean to tell me you’re not afraid of basically ANYTHING but you’re afraid of horses?”

I grit my teeth because I know he’s right. Putting on some fake confidence I approach the horses at the same time, because they’re next to each other.

Damn, even Eren and Mikasa’s HORSES are in love.

They eat simultaneously, but Eren’s seems a bit gentler and nuzzles me a bit which, while terrifying, melts my heart a bit so that’s the horse I choose. Now for getting on it. I didn’t struggle too much since I had gotten on Sasha’s yesterday, but I’m actually putting my feet in the stirrups to ride today and they BARELY reach. I try my hardest to focus on what Sasha and the others are saying about how to hold the reins, but when they tell me to keep my legs straight I can’t help but laugh out loud.

“What option do I have?! My legs are too short for me to have anything BUT straight legs! How the fuck does Levi do this?” Everyone finds this hilarious, and while I wasn’t intentionally making a joke, I have to laugh along with them.

We begin moving at a snail’s pace and after about 20 minutes, I’m gettting the hang of it. Then Sasha suggests we go a bit faster.

“Just bring your heal back and kick right where the leg and stomach meet, it’ll tell her to speed up,” she instructs.

“Oh hey now, let’s not do anything brash,” as I say this, Sasha makes a noise and speeds off. Not a problem in and of itself, but it makes me jump and kick the horse and against my better judgment, we’re now speeding after her. Running towards the woods at break-neck speed, I realize I’ve made a terrible error. Then Sasha is yelling next to me to turn, I hear the kids screaming to turn from behind us, and I pull the left rein hard. We make a tight left turn just before the treeline and as everyone is cheering, I realize this isn’t so bad. Calling at me to pull back on the reins if I want to slow down, I do so and we grind to a trot.

Everyone approaches me, beaming with pride, and I have to admit, “ya know, that wasn’t so bad. I hate to admit it, but I’m glad y’all forced me to do this.”

Returning to the cabin, Sasha and Jean take lookout and the rest of us start prepping our food for the day. I don’t know how much time passes, but eventually out of the corner of my eye I see Eren emerge.

Smiling, I greet him, “well, well, well. Look who’s out of hibernation!” He and Mikasa proceed to argue about him resting when Connie brings up wanting revenge on the Beast Titan. Silence falls over the room before he suggests that he and Mikasa go relieve Sasha and Jean. As the four of them switch off, Historia makes some comment about someone named Ymir and I can tell it’s a sensitive subject. As Eren turns to talk to her, I take some of the vegetables over to a different table to give them privacy. Just as I do, Sasha calls that Hange and Levi are returning and to meet in the main room.

That’s convenient, at least I can keep working while they talk at us.

I remain seated as everyone enters, and although I smile brightly at the sight of Hange I can tell something is very wrong. No one bothers to sit down before she announces that someone named Pastor Nick was murdered.

I’ll have to ask about what the religion is here. I didn’t think they worshiped, well, anything.

Everyone reacts other than Levi, and in an effort to be less judgemental after what Historia had said about him, I fight the urge to judge him.

It’s so hard though when clearly everyone else cared about this man and the little shit has the audacity to stand there without an ounce of care in the world. It’s like someone just told him that taxes are due in a month.

No matter my opinion, no one else seems to care about Levi’s apathy so I decide to let it go as Hange tells us about her theory that he was tortured, and by another branch of the military at that.

I don’t know if I’m happy or disappointed to hear that other governments are just as corrupt as the Earth Kingdom.

“This was my fault, I should’ve been more careful,” Hange laments. Hearing her say this -- hearing her speak without her normal excitement in general -- breaks my heart.

“...how many nails was the good pastor missing?” Levi asks.

Why that little -

“How many? You saw right?”

I’m gonna fu-

“All of the nail beds I saw were empty,” Hange responds, surprise still laced in her voice.

“People who talk, talk after one. If they don’t, ripping off more won’t make a difference.”

Oh. OH. He’s got a good point. Shit, I hate to admit that. But wait, I know how I know that but how does HE know that? God, he could’ve phrased it differently at least, Hange looks like she’s going to cry.

As all of us sit with our own thoughts, a girl that I recognize from Hange’s squad comes in and gives a note to Levi, stating that it’s from Erwin. I don’t know if I imagined it, but I swear there was a flash of worry on Levi’s face before his features shifted ever so slightly into determination. When he speaks, his voice is subtly deeper and sounds more commanding.

“Get your gear, now. We’re leaving. Make it look like we were never here.”

14 notes · View notes

obsolete-stars-if · 5 months

Text

happy first december and bye bye nano. this was the first year i participated in nano, and i knew from the beginning that i would not get the 50k, but i still tried, you need to climb the ladder to know the fall, kinda deal. I barely got past half the goal with 26k. and i learned a lot. i know i can push myself past 3k words a day (me trying to catch up with the goal), but i felt most comfortable in the 500-1k word range. having a challenge like this set up for a month helped me write consistently, but having such a high goal burned me out so quick, even with consistent breaks.

So, what does this mean? I already set up a new writing goal, way lower at 20k, because actually writing felt good, even if it where scenes i didn't want to write and even honestly procrastinated. And with a lower goal, I can actually write and feel like I can do other things as well, it won't be a "oh god i sat here the entire day trying to catch up" situation where i feel like i have to write and give up going outside, buying groceries or seeing my friends, for the sake of an arbitrary goal i know i cant reach.

I set myself up for failure to find out what i can do to succeed. So i guess nano wasn't a complete failure after all. I want to bring out more consistent updates and write more, and i feel like nano taught me how i can hold myself accountable without burning me out.

So, i hope i can do that in december. thanks for listening

#personal #nano 2023

8 notes · View notes

striigon · 2 months

Text

fun things about matija’s eating habits

he bites with the intention of killing. every human he bites is turned into a vampire if he leaves them alive, and he’s of the firm belief that nobody should have to live with the curse he carries. so he will drain a body of its blood and kill his prey (sorry).

vampires he creates can be slain before they drink the blood of other humans (and in theory pass along the curse as well), so if someone somehow survives an encounter with him they’re being hunted down and killed asap.

he can go about a month without feeding and be fine depending on the size of the person he ate. he can live forever without drinking blood, but he feels like shit and is a lot weaker and is filled with a vicious hunger that isn’t sated until he’s eaten. the altruistic thing to do would be to starve himself so others may live. he’s not altruistic.

bro genuinely enjoys the taste of fear. to his palate, it tastes sour, kind of like a warhead candy, and he likes sour flavors. he can hunt someone and not be seen until he’s already in their throat, but sometimes he lets on that he’s hunting them just to spice things up for himself and get that flavor he enjoys. he has so few pleasures in life, y’know ??

in theory he could feed on animals, but it’s like eating fruits and vegetables and a nice juicy steak vs eating burger king. there’s not as much nutritional value and he feels shitty if he drinks too much animal blood for too long of a time (although no, he doesn’t create animal vampires). this is completely arbitrary and very likely attached to the curse, which makes him mad.

he struggled a lot with feeding on humans early on but is over it now. he doesn’t call himself a catholic anymore and isn’t convinced god exists at all given the Horrors he’s suffered, but he managed to gaslight himself into believing it was fine drinking human blood because jesus gave his body and blood freely or whatever. it’s a holy act if you squint !!

drinking the blood of a drunk or high person passes some of those effects along to him. there was a period of time in the 60s and 70s where he was constantly getting fucked up on drug blood in the cities and was like i have got to get the fuck out of here and fucked off to the countryside. this ended up being mildly terrible for different reasons but at least the food quality went up !!

blood-borne diseases make him ill (like food poisoning) so he tries to avoid those whenever possible because it’s not pleasant. one of these days he’s going to cough up a hairball of microplastics and he’s gonna lose his mind.

his favorite blood type is ab negative, and he prefers arterial blood to venous blood because the oxygen makes it more flavorful in his opinion.

he can still eat human food but it doesn’t provide him any nutritional value at all, even less than animal blood. at most he eats for taste or to blend in as human, but he will never be contented again by simple things such as a warm loaf of bread or a baked potato.

that’s it :)

#ooc #canon #normal things <3 #there will be no romantic “u can drink from me” bullshit happening on this blog bc he did that once and turned his lover #who promptly went insane and tried to kill him #if he loves u then keep ur blood to URSELF !!#drugs tw

4 notes · View notes

leos-regression-cove · 1 year

Text

I found this old potty training video from the early 2000s the other day and decided to watch it because there's a video of 3 year old me screaming one of the songs from it (and also I needed to know if some of my memories were fever dreams or actually in this video since I watched in essentially on loop. They were in the video. I still think about "what do you do when you're sitting on the potty" almost daily).

But the point is: oh my god little!Thor would be insane over the in-universe littles version of this.

Little!Thor discussion below the cut :D It's essentially a free write chapter of All The Lessons I Never Learned (but you don't have to have read it).

All The Lessons I Never Learned has established that he's kind of perpetually of potty training age (between 2 and 5, occasionally reaching down to 15 months at lowest) so he's in a mix of diapers and pull-up training pants, but even though he wants to be a big kid, he's not very good at being consistent about it.

Loki obviously doesn't enjoy changing nappies if he can help it, and it's especially annoying because it can be hard to tell where Thor is going to be each day. Is he going to be able to tell Loki he has to go? Or is he not going to feel it at all and just go?

On one of their trips to the library, Loki is trying to get his brother to pick out some picture books with him, but Thor is skimming through the movies and he finds this one, which he pulls out and shows to Loki.

"I said no movies, brother," Loki says without looking.

But Thor insists, "Look, it's potty train-ing."

Loki is suddenly interested and takes a look over it. "Alright, fine, put it in my bag, ok?"

So a few days later when Loki's looking through his tote bag for another story he finds the dvd and decides to put it on, maybe it'll be helpful today now that Thor's at a malleable 2 and a half years old, and maybe it'll be a little easier than stopping his play time to read him a story, now he doesn't even need to put his toys down.

The video feels like it was meant to appeal to Thor, asking him questions that played on his insecurities like if he was a baby who still slept in a crib or a big kid who can make towers with blocks or walk on his own. Loki finds this distinction a bit arbitrary and silly, but Thor? He's absolutely invested and intent on proving himself as a strong big kid.

Unfortunately for Loki though, it's also filled with some obnoxious music about using the bathroom, songs he would actually really prefer his brother not to learn. Perhaps it wasn't as downright annoying as some of the music for children that was out there, but it was definitely just as, if not more embarrassing for Thor to sing in public. And to make things worse, it seems like Thor has already taken a liking to them as he stands up and does a wobbly little dance with his pacifier still in his mouth.

Loki tries to talk him into paying attention to the instructional aspects of it, but Thor's still humming the tunes. His focus is only restored due to a skit where there's a royal family and the princess is presented with her own potty chair. Thor's always had a soft spot for these fairy tale settings, more than he'd really like to admit.

Eventually, as the credits roll, Loki stands up, "Are you ready to try?" he asks Thor.

"Huh?"

"That was a really fun video, are you ready to try to use the potty?"

"Mh... No."

Loki is exasperated, but that's alright, he's small today, maybe tomorrow.

The next day, Thor asks to watch the video again, and Loki lets him. No harm in it, right? Thor's a little older, maybe he'll catch on.

This time, Loki tries his best to prep the bathroom while the video plays. He sets some picture books on the counter as well as some easily-washed toys. He even finally puts on the colorful plastic toilet seat cover that had been shoved under the sink since he was prepping for Thor's arrival. At this point, he felt that it didn't really matter if a guest saw it.

"Thor? All ready for your final big-kid-badge of honor?"

This time, Thor grins and enthusiastically runs up to his brother, absolutely ready for the challenge.

Was it worth it? Loki isn't sure, on one hand Thor was actually using the potty, and without Loki having to stand right next to him, but on the other, Loki now has some late fees on his library card and Thor hasn't stopped singing about he's proud to wear his underwear in a week...

#🎠chatter #agere fic inspo #fandom agere #loki agere #marvel agere #padded agere

9 notes · View notes

juvellianthebee · 2 years

Text

Rekindling my love for sky

This will be a long post! There will be a TLDR at the end. This may also be a bit disorganized. And dramatic.

I got 3 brain cells cut me some slack

So, I definitely wasn’t planning on quitting anytime soon. I love this game way too much to abandon it entirely. Plus, I have an entire list of comic ideas I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO MAKE. But I noticed that the game was having a negative impact on me, in multiple ways. Some people can handle the monotony of grinding every day for some arbitrary traveling spirit/upcoming event. I could as well, for longer than I expected to. Which was surprising. It wasn’t apparent at the time, but I gradually noticed playing became less enjoyable. It wasn’t fun for me anymore.

So I created a new account.

Not for sending myself hearts, or pranking unsuspecting veterans. Heck I didn’t even tell my FRIENDS I was abandoning my old one. And I don’t intend to.

First of all, I’m not the type of person that enjoys monotony. I like variety while I’m playing video games. The thing is, if I candle run where I want, it takes me a hell of a lot more time than sticking to the same route. It’s efficient, but doing the same thing every day just becomes lackluster. I don’t think it’s worth killing off my few remaining brain cells for a pretty cape.

Why would I put myself through this and waste hours of my life? CANDLES. I don’t even remember why I need them again. I straight up don’t. But even after spending tons of time on sky, I’m always broke, which leads me to spend even MORE time running through realms. It leaves me with very little time, or I’m burned out and sick of staring at a screen.

Sky is also supposed to be a social game. I meet so many cool people but I can’t friend them because I’m hanging onto every crumb of wax I have. So I’m stuck with the same people. They’re great, of course. But there’s little variety in what we do, and I miss having new experiences with a new friend. I also get socially drained when I spend time with the same people for a while. Did I mention I have to turn down hanging out with my friends to candle run? That shouldn’t have to be a problem.

I CAN’T be more social because I CANNOT AFFORD OTHERWISE.

I used to enjoy and look forward to playing. Now it just leaves me stressed, irritable, and bored.

Like I’m on the verge of losing my mind sometimes. It’s just oppressive.

With the new account, I decided I wouldn’t grind for candles. Or run through Eden every week and spend massive amounts of time being bored. Since I’m no longer pressured to waste my life on cosmetics/candle running, (my fault I know) I can actually have fun running around the beautifully designed realms.

I had so much fun today it was unreal.

It was more challenging, having only 5 wings to run through an area with, or not being able to go the places I normally could. I loved having a new goal to work towards. One that I could take at my own pace, instead of having deadlines. It was the first time my brain felt stimulated.

It had a lot of perks too, like being able to get krilled and having no one to worry about. Not worrying about what to wear, since I like matching with the area around me. Heck, NOT HAVING CHAT BOXES CLOGGING UP MY SCREEN.

And the nostalgia. Oh the sweet, sweet nostalgia.

I got to watch all the cutscenes again, and remember the small things I had forgotten about (GETTING A SPIRIT GIVES YOU A CANDLE?? I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT). I was also put into servers with lots of other moths, who were also enjoying their adventure. ( Actually I accidentally teleported into forest after messing around in dawn, so I missed prairie entirely. That was disappointing because it wouldn’t let me go back)

I got to take it all in and have space to breathe again. It let me connect to the feelings I had back then, those being OH MY GOD BURNT SHRIMP and whoa that is PRETTY. The soundtrack and sound design really hit home again too. It was so familiar and relaxing. I was mortified I hadn’t figured this out earlier.

I know even this will fade over time, but I’m really glad I made the decision I did. I got to enjoy sky again. The way things were going, it was just a dead end. It’ll leave me with a good memory instead of slowly withdrawing and abandoning it.

I’m gonna try to summarize this as best I can because my brain fizzled out, but I lost sight of what i got the game for. I think grinding is boring and thus I’m not doing it anymore. I can now take it slow and work on constellations for the sake of having them done. i can adventure again!!! I’ll ALSO no longer be stressing for a VIDEO GAME. for the love of god it’s pixels. I just got way too absorbed in it.

i don’t have a problem with thatgamecompany I’m just dumb sometimes 👍

tl:dr - I can’t be social because I’m broke. I am also stressed. So I created a new account. Now I do what I want because I don’t care anymore. And nostalgia.

Edited for grammatical errors

#sky cotl #sky children of the light #sky children of light #thatskygame #skyblr #sky: cotl #that sky game

23 notes · View notes

nukenai · 5 months

Text

(eventually) pet death mention stuff.

It's been a rough couple days for Striker. Not particularly worse than any of his usual "bad days", but the "bad days" are more frequent. He really just never bounced entirely back from getting sick a little over a year ago. He still can get up fine on carpet and outside if he happens to tumblr, which is occasional, but... Things are hard for him. Getting outside on time is pretty much impossible for him now. He gets up a lot for no reason like he's restless. His heart murmur isn't affecting his respiratory rate or anything, but his paws are staying awfully cold. He's still eating, he loves treats especially, but he's been so weird about water (literally only drinks from the cat fountain he has to walk across the house to get to).

He just seems very tired and sort of done. My brain keeps trying to convince itself he can still hang in there, because he moves pretty quick and well outside when he goes out. But he never liked spending time outside, and especially with winter coming... I just don't love the idea of a frail dog with a weak hind end having to go out in the freezing cold for months on end. I hate the idea of losing ANOTHER pet this year, but I think it's what's right for him. I don't want to make him hold on until the new year because of arbitrary shit humans made up. And maybe it'll be nice to start a year "fresh" y'know. My sister even made the pretty blunt (but correct) point of "the last thing I want is for him to drop dead on Christmas or something". Which, GOD. Like I need that. We're not doing holiday stuff this year but still. Just... no thanks.

Striker has been an ordeal for 14 years, but 14 is a very good run for a border collie. It sucks, it sucks so much and it'll always suck, and I'm like "ugh the timing" but like. When will there be GOOD timing? Closer to Christmas I'll just say "omg it's close to Christmas". Then the new year and. Well, we're taking another trip at the end of February. And I don't think I want to have to put him through boarding again! It's just so stressful for the both of us.

And honestly, it makes me feel so terrible because I ALWAYS put my animals first, but I have to think of me. I have to think of what an extreme burden Striker's issues have been for 14 straight years. But I can give myself some credit, because I always DEALT with them and never gave up on him. A lot of people would have but I didn't, and I should be proud of that. I've taken care of Striker pretty much exclusively by myself since he was 2. No one COULD help me with him because of his issues.

I think the best time to try to do something like this is when I'm okay. And sorry this is corny but it's a post by me. But it's like-- I have the SMRPG remake right now. I have Sammie right now and all my other pets. I also have concerns about my cat Lucas, because he's SIXTEEN. And he's gotten skinny too, but he doesn't have any kind of daily issues I have to help him with at all. If I wait too long with Striker, god forbid something happen to Lucas soon after that, you know?

Again it fucking sucks. It's going to suck SO HARD no matter what and there's no "good" time to put down a dog you've had since you were in fucking high school. And there's that added baggage of like, "Striker and Lucas are the only pets I have now that I've had since before my mom died", but like. I can't put that burden on them. I honestly don't think about it a ton but it's for sure a thought.

I know I'm rambling but it's just helpful to get all the thoughts out and get my head in line. It's a weekend so it's hard to get ahold of anyone, but I emailed my vet to see if they do at-home euthanasia. I'm not sure if they do. If they don't, there is a mobile vet that does it that I've heard wonderful things about. So I definitely have options.

God if you read all this sorry for ruining your fucking day. sfjghsjkdfgh.

1 note · View note

keysimash · 11 months

Note

Hello!!

I do not want to be bothering or rude, I am just curious if you’ve had time or energy to continue Leave, I still love the story so much and am looking forward to find out how it goes!!

But if not it’s ok, I just hope you have a nice day no matter what!! <3

Short answer , it's not discontinued but idk when I will work on it again. Sorry to be a disappointment

Long answer you probably dont want to read

I hate it. I can't even read it. I like my story, I like the plans I HAVE for the story, I just.... cant read my own writing. And this isn't some kind of compliment fishing either, it's gotten to the point I dont even like getting nice comments about it on my ao3 inbox anymore.

I sit down to work on it and I just... can't. All I can think about is how cringy it sounds ... and how bad it is, etc etc

Logically I know I'm actually a pretty good writer. But all I see when I look at this shit is mistakes.

And I come across in my writing as... way too emotional and earnest? If that makes any sense. I've mentioned I never made a plot outline, that shit is sooo obvious when i read it. And how I changed the plot three or four times. And how I changed the plot every time I got upset.

I used to not give a fuck about appealing to other people when I wrote because I didnt have anyone whose opinion I cared about reading it but now I feel like I have to write it not shittily or I'll disappoint everyone and myself. And I'm not capable of writing it not shittily right now because I would

a) have to build off the disjointed skeleton I've already made that's got plot holes and mischaracterizations

b) start over from scratch

And I can't do it right now! I cant!

I keep thinking about how my best friend told me I shouldn't put vent art on the internet at all. I feel disgusting now almost. Like people that take pics of their cuts and post em. I know shes full of shit but I cant shake the feeling. That it's my fault if I trigger somebody. That by writing anything that isnt a joke or fluff I'm doing something gross and self-masturbatory and harmful. "If you interpret the characters in a way the author didnt want you're just wrong..." that's what she said.. Its kirby and Meta knight and magolor for gods sake. What am I doing trying to make a gritty realistic darkfic... from a kids game.... cringe.... (only me tho. Nobody else counts)

Even my other works for other fandoms, it almost feels like they're on a timer as soon as I post them. I go "I like that, that's good" and post, and then a few days later I'm like "oh . That's shit now" and it has nothing to do with engagement or anything, its just like an arbitrary switch flipped in my brain

The only time I was writing well and writing consistently... was when I was being abused... I feel like I've lost my spark ... because maybe the only time I can make anything good is when I'm under so much emotional pressure I feel like I'm about to snap.... but if that were true I should be writing right now haha.

And I can sit here and know all these things, that when I'm stressed my thought process goes all stupid, that I'm actually a good writer, that I'm not hurting anybody by the fic I post, that writing something shit is better than not writing anything at all, but it doesn't do anything to change how I feel.

But. I did say it's not discontinued, didnt I?

If its stressing me out so much well why dont I delete it, well the answer to that is I HATE HATE HATE when authors delete their good shit.... deep down I know a lot of people love my stories and that they have some worth... that's why I haven't deleted them all...

I love writing, still.... writing for cotl feels less bad than kirby cos.. it feels like its expected to be edgy and dark, so I dont feel bad about what I write until later at least... but I still love to write and create....

I just need some time... I miss writing kirby stuff but I just can't face my own writing. I cant face myself. And it order to start writing again -- I think that's my problem. I would have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I would have to admit that , like my writing , its okay to love myself/my writing even with the manymanymany .flaws.

I can't. Not right now. Maybe later tho

I didnt have that last revelation before. Not until I wrote everything out. When I was trying to explain all my feelings to someone else , I ended up explaining it to myself. This post was long overdue anyway

Sorry

6 notes · View notes

elysrian · 1 year

Text

god-ish.

aether names the wanderer after lumine.

au work, spoilers for interlude : inversion of genesis.

“have you got anything?”

“... ah. alright, if you say so.”

it’s a new name ( life ) he’s had to adapt to, but it’s nothing new — at the very least, compared to everything else, this is akin to walking on a field of flowers, where their floral scents coat them in their fragrances and only serve to highlight his inhumanity.

he’s used to being used. this is nothing new.

“lumine.” a voice calls, and his head jerks up, irises of wisteria gazing in the direction the sound comes from. brief perplexion crosses his face, but it’s gone when the traveller appears before him, a gloved hand reaching out to cup pale cheeks. lumine stills, gaze expectant and devoid of amusement, as is the short chuckle that follows.

“welcome back, aether.” lumine’s voice is off, far too off, but it’s better than the deafening silence that used to follow as a reply. there is someone who will listen, someone who will respond, someone to touch.

he is not the lumine that the traveller speaks of most fondly, that much he understands. but like a child that will eventually fill an adult’s shoes, so too can he try… even if it’s for a vain act of repentance.

( and to rid of that forlorn expression that feels far too familiar for his liking. )

admittedly, the puppet never really saw the choice of name coming, but after he had asked the traveller via telepathy, it wasn't that surprising. they were both souls chasing after that elusive illumination that would give both their lives meaning, but while they had both achieved their goals… not only were they contrary to expectations, they only served as proof that fate is truly arbitrary. for some reason, it had to be them, and no others.

“that day, i felt like i had lost all meaning in my life.”

lumine understands, and so he bites his tongue to clamp down the words that had bubbled up, words that would have no purpose but to salt a wound that had long dried but hadn't festered. to aether, this lumine was a patch to hide the wound — not to heal, but to conceal, to pretend that everything is okay, or he might lose himself.

lumine understands all too well because he's been through that before.

their initial relationship is rocky, with both sides opening up about their past more to each other than to the rest of the people they knew, but that was fine. they were fine with it.

lumine wrinkles his nose at the pungent smell of monster blood as aether makes himself comfortable next to him, head in his lap as the blonde curls enough to fit onto their seat.

“don't lie too long — it would be awful if your sweat seeps into the couch and stink up the whole place,” lumine's voice is with bite, but not enough to hurt ; slender fingers hesitantly weave themselves into sunkissed strands of gold, lightly massaging the scalp and eliciting a soft groan. "the commissions couldn't have been that difficult, are you already losing your touch?"

“the difficulty is one thing, but the terrain… stars don't sweat,” aether grumbles, but he leans into lumine's touch regardless and contentment bleeds into exhaustion, his expression relaxing. “so when i'm fighting in the red sands of the desert, i feel as though i'm going to implode from the heat. it's awful.”

“then don't take those commissions, stupid.”

“but someone has to. it might as well be me.”

there it is, again. lumine feels his face wrinkle in exasperation, feels his patience grow frayed, as aether’s face settles into that familiar forlorn expression.

“... enough already.”

“… what?”

lumine closes his eyes. he fears that if they were open, if he looks at aether one more time, he’s going to snap, and history will repeat itself. his hand trembles as it curls into a fist, his breaths forcefully even, and his iron will attempting to restrain his emotions. the frustration that he feels is not unlike back when he realised that yae miko wouldn’t be able to make it in time to help, when illness snatched his only friend away, when he let himself be consumed by nilihilsm and despair that he just let himself go.

the traveller, no, aether decided to take him in despite everything he’s done.

the puppet looks at the starchild in frustration.

“then why? tell me. is it because you don’t see a point in living any more? because you think that as long as you do this, everyone else will be happy?” he snarls, as trembling fingers reach out to yank at the outlander’s scarf to pull him closer, holding it with such force that he’s probably left permanent wrinkles on the fabric. he doesn’t care.

“because this may be news to you, but people actually care about you. just because you don’t actually care for yourself or for them in return, it doesn’t mean that they won’t stop caring. it doesn’t mean that they won’t be angry with you when they see you run yourself into the ground, when you burn yourself out and essentially nothing of the person they once knew is left behind. if you’re going to be so damn suicidal, then do it yourself and not try to pass it off as some good deed.”

disgusting. these emotions are disgusting. this anger is disgusting. even if it once fueled him enough for several years, it didn’t mean that he had ever grown used to how pitiful it left him after the high was gone… ah. so this is why it’s familiar.

he was in that very same position once, and no matter how much he dresses it up with his self-justifications and emotions, he had lost all meaning in his life, too.

his hold loosens, and the puppet unceremoniously drops aether getting up and storming several steps away, lumine’s fingers angrily scratching at his own scalp and messing up his hair. how hypocritical he is!

“... balladeer, I—”

“lumine.”

“... what?”

lumine turns back to aether, his expression still dark. but he strides back to aether, index finger jabbing squarely against the traveller’s chest, and clicks his tongue in annoyance.

“you’re not allowed to do that any more. since you so kindly rescued me, i’m now your responsibility. i am also in your debt, and i always repay those i owe — even if you scream about how unreasonable i am, how cruel i am, suck it up.”

aether stares blankly, the gears turning into his head, before he lets out a laugh.

“... okay, my unreasonable responsibility. you could have just said that you were worried about me.”

“shut up, aether.”

#aether #wanderer #genshin impact

3 notes · View notes