#probably won’t have any new art to post for awhile due to work and the upcoming strike
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abby! (ref cred to @/abbyspinesoap on twitter)
#probably won’t have any new art to post for awhile due to work and the upcoming strike#still working on a few things though#fan art#digital art#art#drawing#the last of us#tlou 2#the last of us part 2#tlou art#abby anderson#abby anderson fanart#sleepytownzzzart
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“Quick” Blog/Writing/Art Update: May/June 2023
Hello everyone! Thank you for your patience! Sorry, it’s been awhile, but I do hope to be back soon! I’ve had a good long rest from the stresses of social media (I wish I could also say life as well, but I’ve learned it does what it wants!), and I hope to be at least semi active again by the time Bleach is back in early July! Thanks again for your patience! 🥰
Now unfortunately when I say semi-active, I really do mean semi-active. I won’t go into detail about my real life stuff, but it causes me enough stress that I’ve realized I can’t deal with it and social media stress at the same time. So I probably won’t be on here as often, and will be posting even less, but I want you all to know that I still love all y’alls stuff and will look at it when I can! I took a peek just recently to try and get back into the groove (the app has really changed in the last few months, huh?) and saw you all were talking about Soul Society Trains awhile back, and I’m so sorry I missed it because OMIGOSH DO I WANT IT TO BE CANON! Like can you imagine if Squad 12 designed one?! It would be a horror show, with a bunch of little feet and eyes and horns and UGH! Or maybe, due to how Soul Society is layed out, it’s a subway instead! Maybe it's an immortal mole creature that travels underground on some well known migratory route, and if you’re knowledgeable and crazy enough, you can just grab its fur and hold on tight to get where you need to go faster! Where was I going with this? Oh, right! You all are great, and I hope to read more of your ideas, and headcanons, and other stuff whenever I’m able!
What else…oh yes, posting content. So you know how I was talking about social media stress? Yeah, posting causes a lot of that. Creating though, causes less of that though, sometimes even decreases it. Like I literally sleep better if I write fanfiction before bed (sad, I know, but hear me out). So what’s the solution? Well, I could just never post, but I like sharing with others too! So what I’ve decided to do instead is post in seasons kind of like a tv show! I’ll work on fanfiction/fanart throughout the year, and then once October hits, I’ll post whatever I finish on a sort of schedule, like every Saturday or something. That way, I won’t feel stressed to get something out every month and I can work on multiple stories at the same time (which is my preferred way to write)! That said, since I won’t be online as much, I may be pretty slow in answering messages/questions/comments/etc, so I want to apologize in advance. Know that I still love and appreciate all of you, and will get back when I can!
Hmmm…Any last details? Oh yes, fanart and Bloodlines. I’m gonna be honest, y’all, fanart has been slow coming. I wanted to do more fan comics, but I haven’t had a lot of inspiration or motivation lately. I unfortunately might have to save that idea for next year, but if I do, I do have a back up plan that I think you all will like, so hopefully that works out. But for now, we’ll just have to wait and see!
Bloodlines…will be out…this year…or so help me, I’ll- *cough* Anyway, work on it has been going steadily, which should make me happy, but for some reason has got me extremely nervous. Like, is it going steadily because it’s close to finishing? Or is it going steadily because I missed a major flaw? Like will I be about to post it and realize I need to REWRITE THE ENTIRE THING! These thoughts plague me. Current improvements! I’ve learned what chapter hooks are and have implemented them to make the beginnings more interesting! Also, while I think Bloodlines is still a good “series” title, it is no longer a good title for the piece. The new working title is “Learning to Breathe”. I think that better encapsulates the story I’m trying to tell! Current worries! Is the climax “climaxy” enough? Does the build up pay off in the end? Do the dramatic moments make sense? DO I NEED TO REWRITE THE ENTIRE THING???
Anyway, I think that is finally, actually it! If you made it to the end, that’s pretty amazing of you! One day, I’ll learn to summarize my thoughts better, but today is not that day! See you all in July when Bleach comes back! I’m so hyped!
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2022 fic year in review
Total number of completed works: 12
Total word count: 222,173
Fandoms written in: Marvel (Daredevil, Punisher, and Black Widow both MCU and comics, mostly MCU and comics fusion), DCU comics (Deathstroke and Nightwing + adjacent bats and birds) and Peacemaker (HBO series)
Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected? I figured I would write a little less than what I did in 2021 because I got kinda burnt out by the end of the year. I wrote about 60k less, so I think that’s about what I expected.
What’s your own favorite story of the year? A toss-up between mapped out and blind date, they were both really fun to write.
Did you take any writing risks this year? I signed up for two bangs and one exchange, so there’s always the risk I won’t finish in time. (I didn’t for one bang and the exchange, but got everything posted a couple weeks late.)
Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year? Yes, I have three sladick fics I want to write for sure: a fantasy/royalty AU, one where Slade keeps restraining Dick and accidentally gives him a bondage kink, and one that’s a time-travel Blüdhaven fix-it fic (but not in the way you think). I also have tentative plans to write chapter twos or part twos for some of the sladick fics I did last year. I’ve had a Leota/Keeya (from Peacemaker) idea bouncing around in my head for awhile (featuring Adrian committing chaos in the background), so I will try to get that out by February because I like to do femslash February. And I got 15k into an obikin fic I had to set aside due to other fandom events that I would like to finish by the end of the year. Fratt is on a bit of a backburner for me, but I do still have ideas and would participate in fratt weeks and DDE if that gets scheduled. Basically, I will still be on my bullshit.
Most popular story of the year? By kudos, it’s scientifically sound, with muscle memory as a close second.
Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: wolves and girls for sure. It’s a nearly 40k fic for a pairing (natelektra) with 15 works on AO3, one of which is the art post for this fic--I used it for the Marvel bang. I didn’t expect it to get much traction, but by god this pairing deserved at least one bang-length fic, and if I cannot find it, I will create it!
Most fun story to write: Maybe scientifically sound? It was 2k and I wrote it in one sitting, which was a first for me, as it’s usually a struggle to keep any of my ideas under 10k. I also had fun writing all the sladick fics I did for the sladerobin weekend/mini event back in April--I had a bit of time off, so I was able to crank those out much faster than usual. (Those are mapped out, a pound of flesh, and one for the road.)
Most unintentionally telling story: Tbh it’s probably wolves and girls for the same reason it was the better half last year. I again romanticized the ability to travel and spent an inordinate amount of time describing the scenery.
Biggest disappointment: Lack of time, more than anything. Real life kicked my ass this year, and I didn’t (and never do) get as much writing done as I wanted. I also really wanted to finish that obikin fic before I started my next one, but that didn’t happen, and it is now languishing in WIP land.
Biggest surprise: Going feral over obikin like I’m in middle school again.
My favorite part of fandom this year: I always like working with artists for bangs and events, and @flamebird-j created a lovely piece for muscle memory. I also met some cool people through the DC fandom and read just enough comics to appreciate the excellent shitposting potential of batfam shenanigans.
Tagging: anyone who wants to do it 💕
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5e Zac, the Secret Weapon build (League of Legends)
(Artwork by Christian Fell. Made for Riot Games.)
No one:
Literally no one:
@tigerkirby215: “HEY FUCKERS WHO WANTS A ZAC BUILD?!”
Full disclosure: I watched Dorans and Dragon’s video for Zac and while it’s really well done (like really well done. I honestly suggest you watch it) I felt like it took a bit of an interesting direction. Ds&D and I have always had different ideas for our builds and I think with the release of Tasha’s there’s actually a lot of interesting new directions to take Zac in.
Also spoiler alert but this build is the most jank-ass fucking shit I have ever made but it strangely works really well? Like I literally sat on this build for two months debating if I should even post it. Also Zac’s a grappler, because of course he is.
GOALS
There's plenty of me to go around - Zac stretches and bounces and changes his shape more-or-less at will.
Why thanks; I do work out - Zac is one of those “hold you down for 10 seconds total in a teamfight” types of junglers.
I'm not as squishy as I look - Of course to be a big bundle of green goo we’ll need to be big. Like, really big.
RACE
END ME I’M MAKING A BUGBEAR! :D
Okay to be fair Bugbear hate is kinda overblown, especially by yours truly. You get +2 to Strength and a +1 to Dexterity as well as Darkvision and several other useful traits: you have a Powerful Build to carry more stuff, for one. You are also Sneaky and get proficiency with Stealth, which is nice because if you launch a Surprise Attack you can do an extra 2d6 damage.
But of course the main trait of a Bugbear is their Long-Limbed bodies. All your melee attacks have a 5 foot longer range, which is obviously important to make Stretching Strikes!
Custom Lineage: If you’re insistent on making a custom “goo creature” race with Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything rules here are my suggestions: make yourself Medium (yeah duh) and give yourself proficiency with the Athletics skill. Increase your Strength by 2 and take the Skilled Expert feat for Expertise in Athletics along with a +1 in Wisdom. You will have an uneven DEX score but I dunno just go for Athlete or something later in this build.
ABILITY SCORES
15; WISDOM - Braum isn’t the only champion who believes the heart is the strongest muscle, as if you’d read Zac’s lore he is actually quite a compassionate soul. Also we need Wisdom for our main ability.
14; CONSTITUTION - Zac is a tanky boy, so up the tankiness!
13; DEXTERITY - When you can stretch and squeeze like silly putty dexterity comes naturally. We need that dexterity to jump over walls, among other things.
12; STRENGTH - A lot of it is elastic strength, but if you’re going to throw Cho’gath into Shyvana you do also need upper body strength.
10; CHARISMA - He’s a nice guy when you get to know him, but Zac’s also a bunch of Zaun sewer goo.
8; INTELLIGENCE - Living in the sewers and then later being raised as a weapon means you don’t know any math, science, or history.
BACKGROUND
Zac did grow up in the streets, but the skills from the Urchin background don’t fit him well so we’ll be modifying it heavily. Take proficiency in Acrobatics to squash and stretch as well as Perception to keep those wards up. You can pick your choice of languages or tools because Zac kinda... doesn’t do much other than fight? I mean he’s literally called “the Secret Weapon” what do you want from me?
But your background feature of City Secrets is very useful for traveling the streets of Zaun, letting you find your way around alleys and jungle gank paths to travel through the city twice as fast as the average person! "Put some spring in your step."
(Artist unknown. Made for Riot Games.)
THE BUILD
LEVEL 1 - MONK 1
Been awhile since we’ve visited the good ol’ Monk class eh? Well you can grab Athletics finally, as well as Insight to know if someone’s worth clobbering. You also get proficiency with an artisan’s tool or musical instrument, and I mean... Zac still doesn’t have much lore.
But how about some class features? Monks get Unarmored Defense equal to their Wisdom plus their Dexterity, for 14 AC total. Would medium armor be better? Yes, but you can’t wear armor if you want to use Martial Arts! Martial Arts gives you a variety of benefits: you can punch with DEX or STR, your punches are now a d4 (and will scale as you get levels), and if you punch with your Action you can punch with a Bonus Action after the fact!
LEVEL 2 - MONK 2
Second level Monks get Ki points to use for a variety of features: Flurry of Blows lets you attack twice with your Bonus Action instead of once, Patient Defense lets you dodge as a Bonus Action, and Step of the Wind lets you Dash or Disengage as a Bonus Action. An important thing to mention about Step of the Wind is that it doubles your jump distance, for those big Elastic Slingshot jumps!
You can also put on some boots and get some Unarmored Movement. 10 more feet to be exact!
I guess I’m also obliged to mention Dedicated Weapon from Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything which lets you turn any weapon you’re proficient in into a Monk weapon as long as it’s not Heavy or Special. This will be important later but it’s not exactly in-character for Zac.
LEVEL 3 - MONK 3
Third level Monks get to choose their Monastic Tradition and Way of the Astral Self will give you some long stretchy limbs! As a bonus action you can spend 1 Ki to summon Arms of the Astral Self. When you do so, each creature of your choice that you can see within 10 feet of you must succeed on a Dexterity saving throw or take force damage equal to two rolls of your Martial Arts die due to your Unstable Matter.
Your arms will stay up for 10 minutes and give the following benefits:
You can use your Wisdom modifier in place of your Strength modifier when making Strength checks and Strength saving throws.
You can use the spectral arms to make unarmed strikes, which has the following benefits:
The reach of the arms is 5 feet greater than normal, which stacks with your Bugbear arms. 15 foot reach with extra stretchy arms!
The unarmed strikes you make with the arms can use your Wisdom modifier in place of your Strength or Dexterity modifier for the attack and damage rolls, and their damage type is force.
You can also absorb some blows with Deflect Missiles. When you are hit by a ranged weapon attack you can use your reaction to reduce the damage by 1d10 + your DEX mod + your monk level. If you reduce the damage to 0, you can catch the missile. You can then spend 1 ki point to throw it back as part of the same reaction. You make this attack with proficiency, regardless of your weapon proficiencies, and the missile counts as a monk weapon for the attack, which has a normal range of 20 feet and a long range of 60 feet.
Tasha’s Cauldron of Everyone also gave Monks the Ki-Fueled Attack ability which pretty much doesn’t impact you in the slightest.
LEVEL 4 - MONK 4
4th level Monks get an Ability Score Improvement but we’re instead going to grab the Skilled Expert feat. You can increase your Wisdom by 1 and grab proficiency in Survival for optimal jungle clear. But what we’re mainly here for is to make our hands extra sticky with expertise in Athletics! Is the build starting to make sense now?
You can also land safely after an Elastic Slingshot jump thanks to Slow Fall, reducing fall damage by 5 times your Monk level. If you want to keep yourself in the fight then Quickened Healing (also from TCoE, because that book really likes giving new Monk features) will let you take advantage of Cell Division for 2 Ki points, healing you for a number rolled on your Martial Arts die plus your Proficiency bonus. It’s not much but in a pinch it might save you!
LEVEL 5 - MONK 5
5th level Monks get an Extra Attack, so you can punch twice with your action, and then punch some more with your Bonus Action! You can also bring some heavy CC into the party with Stunning Strike; if you hit an enemy in melee you can force a Constitution save or stun them! Yes actual honest-to-god League of Legends stun!
Oh and because Tasha’s Cauldron really wanted to buff the Monk you get Focused Aim, letting you use up to 3 Ki points to increase your roll to hit, at a 2:1 ratio. (1 Ki point = +2 to hit)
(Artwork by SemLimit on DeviantArt.)
LEVEL 6 - BARBARIAN 1
Jumping over to Barbarian, land of the true tanks. Barbarians get Unarmored Defense based on Constitution that we won’t be using but I’m obliged to mention anyways. Of course what we’re here for is Rage which will augment you in a number of ways: you’ll resist Bludgeoning, Piercing, and Slashing damage and will do more damage with Strength-based attacks (which you probably won’t be making.) But the most important feature is this line right here:
You have advantage on Strength checks and Strength saving throws.
You know what’s a Strength check? Athletics! So even if you use Wisdom for it you’ll still have Advantage on top of Expertise! And Athletics is used for grappling! At least that’s how I’d rule it, but talk to your DM just to make sure they’ll let this dopey shit into their game.
LEVEL 7 - BARBARIAN 2
Second level Barbarians can let themselves go with Reckless Attack. Your Unstable Matter will give you advantage on your attack at the cost of giving enemies advantage to hit you.
You also get Danger Sense for advantage on Dexterity saves against effects you can see coming. Is a Jinx rocket heading your way? Slingshot out of there!
LEVEL 8 - BARBARIAN 3
Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything gave Barbarians Primal Knowledge for a free skill proficiency from the Barbarian list, so take Intimidation I guess because you are a huge freaky slime guy.
Third level Barbarians get to choose their Primal Path and guess what? It’s Totem Warrior time! As a Spirit Seeker you can cast Speak With Animals and Beast Sense as a Ritual but we all know that’s not what we’re here for. What we’re really here for is the Totem Spirit of the Bear. You can now resist all damage while Raging, with the exception of Psychic damage. Hey there has to be %health damage to deal with tanks after all. (Now if only they’d nerf Grievous Wounds.)
LEVEL 9 - MONK 6
This will be our last Monk level; sad I know. But it’s worth it for the Visage of the Astral Self. You can use a Bonus Action and a Ki point to summon the visage. (And can do it while summoning your arms.) While the spectral visage is present, you gain several benefits:
Astral Sight lets you see through magical (and nonmagical) darkness up to 120 feet.
Wisdom of the Spirit gives you advantage on Wisdom (Insight) and Charisma (Intimidation) checks.
And Word of the Spirit lets you either whisper in team chat to a creature of your choice that you can see within 60 feet of you, or shout in all chat so that everyone within 600 feet can hear you.
Your regular fists are also considered magical thanks to Ki-Empowered Strikes, and you get 5 more feet of Unarmored Movement! "Woohoo!"
(Artwork by Dragonflamebg on DeviantArt.)
LEVEL 10 - FIGHTER 1
Teamfight time? Team Fighter time! First level Fighters get a Fighting Style and since you’re punching people your only real option is Superior Technique, giving you a d6 Combat Superiority die to use on a Battle Master Manuever. That Manuever shall be Grappling Strike, letting you grapple as a Bonus Action after punching someone for some Stretching Strikes!
You can also heal with Cell Division assuming the enemy team doesn’t stack Grievous Wounds thanks to Second Wind; it’s a d10 plus your Fighter level. "Keep it together."
LEVEL 11 - FIGHTER 2
Second level Fighters get Action Surge for even more punching! This will be more important in like, two levels.
LEVEL 12 - FIGHTER 3
Third level Fighters get to choose their Martial Archetype and for some crowd control in a teamfight Battle Master is a great choice. You are a Student of War which means more tool proficiencies which make no sense because Zac has no lore woo! But of course what we’re mainly here for is Combat Superiority: you have four d8 Superiority Die (plus a d6 one from your Fighting Style) which you can use on a variety of Maneuvers:
Trip Attack is good if you want to bounce, forcing the target you hit to make a Strength save or fall over!
Distracting Strike is like stunning the target in the sense that it gives your allies an opening, but unlike Trip Attack you don’t have to force a saving throw. (Instead Distracting Strike just works after you hit them!)
And if you think your arms aren’t stretchy enough already? Boom; Lunging Attack for 20 foot reach!
LEVEL 13 - FIGHTER 4
4th level Fighters get an Ability Score Improvement: hey it’s everyone’s favorite feat Grappler! You have advantage on attacks against enemies you grappled, and if you’re grappling someone you can then pin them to hold them in place!
Now pinning someone you’ve grappled does take an action but here’s where Action Surge comes in: turn 1? Grab them. Turn 2? Pin them! Easy!
LEVEL 14 - FIGHTER 5
5th level Fighters get an Extra Attack... which you already have. "I hate it when this happens."
LEVEL 15 - FIGHTER 6
Hey more Ability Score Improvements! Want all the fun of a high Constitution score without the Constitution? Look no further than the Tough feat: it gives you +2 HP per level for some big gains!
(Artwork by GisAlmeida on DeviantArt.)
LEVEL 16 - FIGHTER 7
7th level Fighters get to Know Your Enemy: by spending a minute studying someone (IE looking at the scoreboard) you can learn if an enemy is superior, inferior, or equal to you in a number of areas described by the ability.
You also get one more Combat Superiority die and learn two more Maneuvers: Goading Attack will make it harder for enemies to hit your friends (and it works against Tier 4 enemies who likely resist fears), and Disarming Attack will let you stick your hand to your opponent’s weapon to make them drop it!
LEVEL 17 - FIGHTER 8
8th level means more ASIs and I’m starting to think ignoring all your stats was a bad idea. More Wisdom means better punches, better grabs, and better AC.
LEVEL 18 - FIGHTER 9
9th level Fighters get Indomitable, letting them reroll a failed saving throw once per Long Rest. Regardless of what you roll on the new die however you have to use the new result. This can be used on Death saves to try to keep alive a little longer thanks to Cell Division.
LEVEL 19 - FIGHTER 10
10th level Battle Masters get Improved Combat Superiority. Your superiority die are d10s now; even the one from your Fighting Style! You do also learn more Maneuvers but honestly? We got just about everything that we need already. If you’ve hit level 19 playing Zac League of Legends then you deserve to make some choices of your own.
LEVEL 20 - FIGHTER 11
Our final level is the 11th level of Fighter for an Extra Attack that does stack! That means you have 3 attacks total and one extra from Martial Arts!
FINAL BUILD
PROS
Beat up, or beat down? I'm flexible - No matter how you look at it 4 attacks per round is great, especially since you can give yourself Advantage and boost your damage output with Battle Master Maneuvers.
Pick on someone your own size - If everything goes well you should have a solid 200 health by level 20! Definitely nothing to sneeze at, especially with Rage giving you resistance to almost everything and Second Wind letting you heal yourself!
This is gonna get messy - You’ve got a +16 to Athletics checks for Grappling when using your Astral Arms, and can give yourself Advantage or add Superiority die to your Grapple checks. Do I need to explain that that’s really good?
CONS
Don't push your luck, champ - None of your stats are maxed out, and that’s bad. Your hit modifier isn’t great, your Battle Master saving throw is low, but most importantly your AC is really bad. Big health is nice but not being hit is also very helpful. Just saying if you have the chance to go for Point Buy I’d take it.
I never skip breakfast - A small pool of Ki combined with limited Maneuver die means that you’re running on some very potent fumes. Frequent short rests will be needed to make the most out of this build.
These jerks don't know when to quit! - Grappling builds have the ever-constant problem of falling off in the late game when most foes simply can’t be grabbed. This build honestly peaks around level 13 and just falls off from there. This is definitely one of my builds that I think works better in a low level campaign.
But if you want something unique that works well early here’s your build! Big reach to hold everyone in place so your party can beat them up. Playing the CC tank might not be that glorious but it’s a job someone’s gotta do. And remember: "It's not how much you can lift. It's how good you look!"
(Artist unknown. Made for Riot Games.)
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Red Crackle Breakdown
Itstalkcartoons recently had a live stream interview with Carmen Sandiego’s showrunner Duane Capizzi, I’ve seen some thoughts on tumblr so after watching the interview I thought I’d drop down some direct quotes and talk about what happened. You can find the interview on Istalkcartoon’s IG page, it’s about an hour and a half long full of other tidbits about the characters and the show so definitely check it out if you’re interested. The post below will have spoilers from season 1 - season 4 so if you haven’t seen it yet, do not read below.
- Duane confirms that Gray is the most complex character and has the most complex arc of anyone in the show.
- Gray’s story was meant to be wrapped up in the season 1 pilot. Duane created his story for that episode only. After the pilot, the Writer’s Room was developed and he was blown away by the interest that people had in Gray as a character. It was from there they decided to go with the ‘amnesia’ arc to expand and enrich his character.
- Duane confirms that in the pilot episode, at that point in time, Gray “was willing to kill her [Carmen] for V.I.L.E on the train”. He says a little earlier to this quote that “we know Gray has good qualities, from his days back at the school protecting Black Sheep, but he’s still a criminal, still a sociopath” and he admits that this is a controversial opinion of the character. “He [Gray] says one of the most awful things to her, that anybody in the series has ever said, something like ‘You proved yourself to V.I.L.E, that’s all you ever wanted, wasn’t it?’ and it’s so demeaning.” By Carmen leaving him gift-wrapped in her coat on the train, Gray “got what he deserved” and Carmen “moved on”.
So what we do know is that despite Gray and Black Sheep being very close on the island, when Black Sheep defected, no matter how hard Gray could have found this he was still grimly determined to kill Carmen for V.I.L.E. This is heart breaking, not only for their friendship, but because of the successful brainwashing and nurturing of sociopathic tendencies that V.I.L.E did to these barely legal adults. Carmen clearly proved herself unique to this, she had the longest exposure to villains and brainwashing on the island, but her innate empathy for others won over her drive for success.
I suppose, we don’t know exactly what the lives of the other V.I.L.E members were like. We know from season 4 that Gray’s drive was to be successful, he was a junior technician at the Sydney Opera House and wanted more out of his life. But V.I.L.E is, essentially, a cult. V.I.L.E engages in mind altering practises, cull dissenters, dictate their students’ beliefs, education, social communities. They clearly target and prey on teenagers with specific skill sets, who likely have specific backgrounds that make them more vulnerable in society, or more likely to respond to a vigilante or criminal way of living. They clearly make sure that their students know V.I.L.E is their entire life, their entire community, and if you want that: you need to follow the rules.
It’s not too surprising to me that Gray is like this in the pilot. He’s a complex character leaning into sociopathic tendencies, he was written to be that way.
- Gray’s arc changes with his amnesia. Duane confirms Bellum created nice guy Graham Calloway onto Gray, it was a personality “grafted onto him” that opposes his personality in the pilot. Carmen protects Graham Calloway, she recognises that he isn’t the ‘V.I.L.E Gray’ and that he is innocent and has the potential for a do-over. This shows Carmen’s true selflessness, despite her ex-best friend trying to essentially kill her/take her down, she sees he doesn’t remember any of that and believes in his goodness. So much so that she protects it. It’s the opposite of where Gray was in the beginning.
- Tragically, when Gray gets his memories back, he does revert back to V.I.L.E. Duane does not confirm exactly why this is but he does say that Gray was never good enough for Carmen up until the finale. We can theorize and infer a lot from what he’s told us of Gray’s character, despite the good qualities he does have, he struggles with doing the right thing. How much of Gray is because of V.I.L.E’s cult-like brainwashing and how much of it is due to Gray’s own chaotic morality and ambition is up to interpretation. I’m of the belief it’s a strong mix of both. In saying that, I’d like to think Gray’s aware that if he defects with Carmen, he knows he’s as good as dead. Graham Calloway might have believed Professor Maelstrom would let him walk free, but Gray is not so naive. He made his choice a long time ago and taking Carmen’s hand is not just about caring about her, it’s choosing a side and who he wants to be.
Just because Gray doesn’t join Carmen doesn’t mean his arc is entirely reverted though. In the pilot, he was willing to kill her. After knowing her through the eyes of Graham Calloway, and having the empathy and naivety and kindness of Graham Calloway literally injected into him, Gray truly feels regret and empathy. V.I.L.E unintentionally gave Gray a huge gift they likely never foresaw: a different perspective. He regrets ever hurting Carmen and never wants to do so again. That’s a huge step from where he was at the beginning, but is it enough to leave what he’s familiar and used to?
There’s a lot to unpack there that I won’t go into because this is long enough. I think it’d be interesting to go more in depth about the psychology of cults and how future Gray and future Carmen would assimilate the personalities they were forced into. Do those personalities go away when the memories come back? Can the trauma of it cause black outs and more memory loss? What does it do to your mental health? Do you assimilate it into who you are? But I digress
- The most important part of Gray’s arc is in the finale. As Duane says, it’s Gray’s “coming of age, when he becomes a real person” and he does so by showing what Carmen stood for: true selflessness. There’s a bitter irony to Gray’s ambitions of success, his desire to work with Carmen as a team, pulling off successful and incredible heists ... all his dreams are coming true. But she takes more risks, he’s shocked by her ruthless and individualistic impulses, he knows it isn’t truly her, and whatever he could excuse before, he knows it’s wrong. He chose to be a criminal, Carmen didn’t. The final thing that gets through to him is what Gray knows she can never take back: killing Shadowsan. He defects and betrays, not for himself, not for success, not for anything except for her. He’ll risk getting killed, imprisoned, he’ll even betray this Carmen, out of a true selflessness for her to be herself again. He proves he has become a person good enough for Carmen Sandiego.
- I also absolutely love that at some point he changed his Crackle Rod to stun mode as a ‘maximum setting’. He didn’t plan for Carmen to be able to use it against him because he thought she couldn’t use it, so for awhile now he’s been ‘stunning’ people instead of killing them. Even though he returned to V.I.L.E, he came back as a changed person.
- His decision in the hospital room was also quite tragic, he didn’t want to complicate her life any further and Duane confirms he felt shame over his actions. That it was the right narrative at the time. I agree with this, though I’m a RedCrackle shipper at heart, the writer in me recognises the parallels of Carmen selflessly staying away from Gray to not ‘complicate’ his new beginning, and now Gray showing the same selflessness is a mirror to me that they’re on equal footing. (But also, please meet up again and talk to each other, because they’re the only ones who have gone through traumatic memory altering and personality grafting and there’s bound to be mental issues with that and they could help each other!)
And now, some talk by Duane on some RedCrackle hints:
- Carmen [on V.I.L.E island] was at an age where she probably didn’t know how to interpret her feelings for him, referencing when she called him a big brother to her. She tells Player she cares about him but doesn’t specifically reference that this is romantic or not
- 100% Graham was flirting with her in Australia
- They absolutely will meet up again in the future.
Anyway, I’ve seen some things circulating about the interview on Tumblr and I just wanted to provide some context and quotes from the interview. It was surprising to me that we were to read Gray as someone ruthless enough to kill Carmen in the pilot, because I didn’t interpret that exactly from my viewing, but I suppose that’s the great thing about art: it’s your interpretation. It also makes sense to me that Gray was written for the pilot and it was the Writer’s Room afterwards that took his character in new ways, just proof of organic storytelling. I also love that in the interview, he doesn’t specify any of the pairings as canon but if we saw things happen between characters or implied by a character, it was intentional, and I love that.
Definitely check out the interview for yourselves on Itstalkcartoon’s IG, they had a lot more to talk about, particularly with the goodbye to Zack and Ivy and Carulia.
Special thank you to Duane Capizzi, I doubt he’’ll ever read this, but thank you for your part in bringing this amazing show and its characters to a new narrative. It’s such a shame it only lasted for four seasons, hopefully in the future we get new stories to tell with these characters. As a complete side note, I am a New Zealander and it was so great to see NZ represented in media, even better that it was a Carmen and Gray episode :D To everyone else, thanks for reading this if you have gotten this far :)
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My Fictional Secret Admirer - Part 1 of That Damned Pikashaw Series
Secret Santa gift for Sakurras on a MLQC Discord I’m a part of.
Pairing: Gavin x MC, side of Minor x Willow
Warning: potty mouth/pervert Shaw, Sassy MC, little shit Zappy
Summary: Argh a certain someone is moving slower than an ice berg on a cold day. You voice your frustration to your gal pals, but a certain brat happens to overhear. He somehow convinces (ropes) you into pranking Gavin big time.
After a long day, you and a few female employees decide to have a girl’s night out. Sorry, not sorry Minor. It’s been awhile since you’ve done something with only your gender, and you’re going to have fun, not worrying about the opposite gender especially a certain someone who moves slower than an ice berg on a cold day, and that’s his good day too.
“And I’m not kissing him until he gets lessons.”
WHAT?! This sends you crashing back to reality.
“Ouch. So mean to your boyfriend,” Kiki pouts as she plays with the straw in her drink, twirling it around and sometimes blowing bubbles just because she can.
“And what about you? You haven’t kissed yours,” Willow points out as she’s stirring her drink. At least she can drink alcohol. Due to your low tolerance and Kiki turning the age where she can legally drink alcohol, you’re the designated safe person/driver.
Kiki sticks out her tongue and blows a raspberry. “We’re taking things slow. You’ve told me not to rush into things.”
This statement Willow can’t refute. “For once, you actually listen to me.”
“HEY! I listen to you, but that doesn’t mean I’m paying attention,” Kiki replies with a cheeky grin. “But at least we have boyfriends.”
You want to say the two of them have boyfriends. On the other hand, you do not as someone is taking his sweet time and NOT asking you. You’re not even sure he wants to be with you on that level. Instead of responding, you flag down the bartender and ask for another soda, but this time with a few cherries in it. The bartender doesn’t give you a look this time as he knows you’re the designated driver, meaning you can’t become impaired. He doesn’t question it once he finds out.
The two are looking at you. “What?”
“You have a boyfriend, right?” Kiki pokes you.
“Er… I’m too busy with work to consider having an intimate relationship.” In other words, you have no boyfriend even if you want one in the first place.
“Aren’t you dating that handsome cop? Gavin.” Willow prods while waggling her brows. How she manages that move, you don’t know nor do you ask.
In response, you turn a bright red, enough to make a tomato green (red) with envy. “He hasn’t asked.”
“He what?!” Kiki shouts after she almost chokes on her drink. She hits her chest to clear her airway.
“He didn’t ask her,” Willow reiterates your response, saving you the trouble of answering two times. She picks up her cherry by its stem before twirling it. “Then why don’t you ask him?”
“I don’t know if he feels the same way I do, and he doesn’t give other women any thought,” you say after some hesitation. It’s not that you’re jealous of the other women. More like frustrated with him and how slow he’s moving. Sometimes you wonder if he’s even moving at all.
Willow snorts upon your confession. “Girl, have you seen how he’s all over you? He’s crazy about you. And you’re crazy if you let him go.”
“He’s worried about me,” you say, not wanting to admit it… just yet. “Being his junior from high school. You know?”
This time Kiki snorts. “Oh it goes beyond worrying about junior classmates. You’re too blind to see it.”
“What do you mean by that?” you huff and cross your arms over your chest while waiting for your soda to arrive so you can have something to play with.
“Oh my gods, the two of you are painfully ignorant. It’s ridiculous.” Willow picks up her drink and starts sipping from what remains of it. “Woman up, ask him on a date. It’s the twenty first century. Unless he grows a pair of balls, it’s up to you.”
“What do balls have anything to do with dating and boyfriends?” You glance between the two of them who in return are giving you looks of exasperation. What? “Aren’t they toys for kids and pets?” Last time you recall, balls are spherical objects mean to give joy to whoever played with them whether it be for sport or simply having for.
“Even I know what that is, and I’m younger than you.”
Like ouch. Does Kiki have to point that out? “Gavin does have a ball cactus.”
As if on cue, both Kiki and Willow bang their heads on the bar like you see in the manga you’ve read where someone is exasperated at another person. What? Is it something you said? You’re left in the dark again. Maybe it’s time to do research on this kind of stuff… if you ever have the time. Between your work, taking care of yourself/home, and hanging out with friends, you don’t have time to do this research. Besides you do a lot of research for your work and sometimes you’re researched out!
“His name is Thorny and is surviving.” Surviving from Gavin giving it too much love (more like water).
“So is Gavin’s love for you,” Willow adds. “Don’t keep him waiting too long.”
“Yeah, you don’t won’t to become that old cat lady.” Gee thanks Kiki.
“HEY!” You huff. “It’s not my fault he’s moving slower than an ice berg on a good day.” Finally the bartender arrives with your soda, and he’s given you a little umbrella. Oh how sweet. It’s your favorite color too, pink.
“This dance is never going to end,” Kiki sighs a long one. She knows something or maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but either way, you want to know.
“Touche. It’s too painful to watch these lovebirds dance around each other.” Willow glances upward as if she’s asking some heavenly deity to do something about these two lovebirds.
“Someone has to get it going,” Kiki says as if you’re not sitting right next to them at the bar.
Willow nods her head. “Indeed. Dropping hints is useless since we all know how excruciatingly painfully oblivious both parties can be.”
Ouch and double ouch. Are you really that ignorant? Scratch that, you don’t want to know. “You two are drunk.” Yeah, that has to be the case.
Kiki bursts out in giggles. “You wish. I think I’m a bit tipsy, but I still can think! Unlike a certain someone we all know too well.”
Great. Now Kiki’s roasting you too? It makes you wonder if she’s been secretly spending time with a certain CEO who has a penchant for roasting you on a regular basis. Nah, it couldn’t be, could it? Between her school work, work, her boyfriend, and close friends, you doubt she has much time to learn the fine art of roasting people.
You smack her with your purse, not too hard since you need her to be able to work in a couple days.
Her response? She starts giggling hysterically.
“Ignore her. She’s drunk.” Willow waves her hand, the one not holding her drink. “But all things serious. Be direct and up front with Gavin. Dropping hints will get you nowhere.”
“I don’t know. What am I supposed to do? Walk up to him and demand to know why he hasn’t asked me on a date?” Or kissed, but that happens after you start dating. It’s not like you’re complete strangers. You already have a long history with him even if a fair chunk of it is you misunderstanding him.
“I’m sure you’ll figure something out. You always have.”
“Or you can pull him down by his tie and kiss kiss.” Kiki makes kissing sounds.
The mere thought of doing what Kiki suggests causes you to turn bright red. “I don’t think he’s into PDA.” As for you, you don’t think your heart can take it even if you want it.
“Oi vey. Of course he’ll want to stake his claim on you, but it’s only if you let him. Guys are like that. Trust me. He’d want to let the entire world know you’re his.”
“Wow, I didn’t know Officer Gavin has a possessive side. Maybe Kiro would be a better choice.” Ah the Kiro fangirl emerges.
Willow rolls her eyes. “Not that kind of claiming, more like being in an exclusive relationship, and you’re off the dating market.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Just not that night. All you want to do is go home and sleep.
But first you need to make sure your drunk and slightly drunk friends make it home in one piece. After all, you’re the designated person… and a responsible boss.
Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin
Unlike your so called friends, you wake up the next day hang over free, which puts you in a very, very good mood. Good enough to tease those two through texts about what a wonderful day it is. When they do not reply, you’re not surprised. They’re probably hiding underneath their blankets and covers, waiting for the world to stop spinning or for the loud noises to go away. You’re tempted to suggest getting noise cancelling headphones. Being an unfortunate traveler (for work sigh), you procured a pair of your very own. Plane and train terminals tend to be quite noisy. Sometimes you want to hear yourself think.
When you unlock your phone, you notice you have a few messages. You start reading your messages.
Levi : When’s a good time to bring over my gifts for you?
“Big brother spoils me,” you giggle. While you’re not officially related or by blood, he’s taken you under his wing. The last time someone tried coping a feel, well let’s just say he wound up in the hospital with two broken hands.
You then remember him saying something about an overseas trip he’s taking back to the States, something about visiting his adopted family. He rarely mentions them and when he does, it’s bits and pieces. Since you respect his privacy, you try hard not to poke your nose into it and ask too many questions. If or when he’s ready, he’ll tell you. So far, you know he’s adopted and has one adopted brother but no sisters.
MC: How about having lunch? It’s been a long time since we got together.
Levi: Sounds like a plan. That new café? The one you mentioned in your moments post? :D
Wow. Does he have his phone in his hand all the time? Or maybe you’re lucky and catch him when he’s actually looking at his phone?
MC: That sounds great, and no we’re going double dutch. You’re NOT paying for mine.
Levi: ): I’m catching up on all the years I haven’t spent with you.
MC: I bet you bought me a ton of souvenirs.
Levi: XD Caught red handed. Okay, we’ll pay our own bill.
Seeing those emojis, you can’t help but giggle again. It’s not that many, however, you don’t recall any male you keep in contact using them on a regular basis. You decide to not say anything about it especially since it appears he’s having fun.
Anna: You forgot to text me when you arrive safely at home.
Oh oops?
MC: Sorry! D: I knew I forgot something, but I couldn’t remember. Next time I’ll write myself a reminder.
Okay next text.
Kiro: Miss Chips! Hear anything about Souvenir? QAQ They haven’t been opened lately, and I’ve been craving their food.
Kiro: Forgot to tell you, I’ll be busy for the next 2 to 3 weeks. If they open, you have to let me know. K?
MC: Are you planning on sneaking out if they’re open?
Kiro: Please don’t tell Savin! I’m tired of the same old, same old food.
MC: Fine. You owe me for keeping an eye on that restaurant.
Kiro: Miss Chips is the best! Crap. Gotta get back to work. Chuu.
You stare at your phone. Did he just? Nah, you’re probably reading too much into things like a certain couple of busybodies do on a regular basis. Since you don’t want Savin to catch him texting you, you decide to text him later with an update on his favorite restaurant.
Gavin: I’m free today. Would you like to have lunch with me? My treat.
Er… You already made plans to have lunch with your big bro. But the more the merrier, right?
MC: You can join me and my big bro for lunch. He got back from his trip.
Gavin: Since when do you have a big brother?
MC: A few months ago. I meant to tell you then, but you were swamped with work and then it slipped my mind. Sorry! It wasn’t on purpose I swear.
Gavin: He sounds kind of fishy if you ask me.
MC: He’s not like that. Just wait until you meet him.
MC: For the record, he broke two hands of someone trying to touch me.
Gavin: Why didn’t he beat the guy up?
Unbelievable. You can’t believe Gavin would suggest such a thing.
MC: It was crowded and we’re in public.
Gavin: Give me his contact info. I can help him.
Something tells you between the two of them if anyone so much as looks at you the wrong way, he’d be sent to the hospital with multiple broken bones, and that’s if they’re feeling generous enough to let the guy live. You’re having second thoughts about the two meeting, but then again, big bro has been pestering you about the guy you’re interested in.
MC: Ask him at lunch.
Gavin: Understood.
The next text you send is where and when to meet. You hope this won’t be your worst decision, letting these two get to know each other and having team up against anyone who bothers you. “I’ll worry about that later.” While you hope they get along, you hope they don’t get along to the point of being accomplices.
The last few texts are spam. Didn’t you sign up for that thing about spam texts? These companies obviously aren’t letting that stop them. Whatever. You delete them.
Thaw: Unlock your window. I know you’re awake.
MC: Why are here this early?
Thaw: Just open it!
MC: It’s early for YOU! *suspicious eyes*
Thaw: You want to know why I’m here or not?
This guy. Although you’re tempted to leave him out there in the cold, your curiosity once again gets the better of you. Wait a second, Shaw never said which window, leaving you to look out of every window until you manage to find the one he’s crouched next to.
“Took you long enough,” Shaw grumbles once you open the window and slips into the warm room. The way he’s dress, he resembles a punk snowman. It causes you to giggle and him to pretend he never heard or saw what you did.
“If a certain someone told me which window he’s behind, I would have opened it five minutes earlier. Did you forget, I have a lot of windows?” You poke him on his chest, which he swats away your finger.
“Whatever.” In his language, it means he admits his guilt without actually admitting it. “A little birdy told me something interesting yesterday.”
“Pearly?”
“What?”
“Zappy?”
“What the hell?”
“Fiery?”
“You describing me or yourself?”
“Icy?”
“The fuck?”
You’ve run out of birds you know, which is a total of four who belong to a certain Birdcop the one you want to move faster. Sheesh. Sometimes you wonder if he’s moving backwards in spite of him wanting to spend time with you.
“Forget about the birdy. Don’t you want to know?”
“Something tells me I don’t want to know.” You close the window as soon as you’re reminded you have yet to close it. No need to let perfectly good warm air outside or let the cold air into your warm home.
Shaw pretty much laughs in your face, to which you’re tempted to slap him… using both hands. “My brother is an idiot.”
“That’s not nice to say,” you pout. Sometimes you wish you had biological siblings, but you suppose your adopted big brother is better than nothing. His spoiling you has no part in your decision. How does he have all that money in the first place? His first job must be well paying though he never tells you nor do you think he will.
“I could call him something much worse. You want to hear?” One shake of your head. Nope. “I admit he’s damn good at his job, but when it comes to his personal life, he’s very shitty.” While you don’t appreciate his language, you do agree with him.
“What about it?”
“Grab your laptop or a pen and paper. We’re going to get my fucking moron of a brother to ask you on a date.” Did he just say what you think he said?
“What are you waiting for? Chop, chop. Unless you want me to look for them myself.”
On second thought, you’d rather find the items he requested than have him poking his nose or any other part of his body where it doesn’t belong. You grab both your laptop along with a pen and paper. Laptop for research and the pen/paper for keeping notes. Sure, you can use your electronics to keep your notes, but your older brother has told you many times that even if you delete it, that incriminating information can be pulled from the depths of the hard drive. You’d rather not take any chances.
“Pen and paper? Old fart.”
You scowl. “It’s called decreasing my paper trail. Did you know they still can find what you’ve deleted on your computer or laptop?”
Shaw gives you that disbelieving stare. “You finally said something smart for a change. Who told you that? I know you couldn’t have figured that out.”
Why you! Then again… “I also have a big brother. Want to meet him?” you tell him as you bat your eyes in a suggestive manner. More like you want his face to meet your big bro’s fist.
“What the hell? You don’t have any siblings. Quit fucking messing with me.” As if he doesn’t do that to you on a regular basis.
“Well I do now. A few months ago. Got a problem with it?”
Shaw plops himself down on one of your plush chairs. Hey. Shoes! But he doesn’t seem to be too concerned with it. “As if I care about your family.”
You tap your foot while crossing your arms over your chest.
“Next time have a pair of fucking slippers next to the window.”
“Normal people enter through the front door.”
“Have I ever been normal?”
Point taken. You use his distraction to yank off his shoes, much to his surprise and bring it to where he’s supposed to place them. Since you never know when your older brother or Gavin will drop by, you have a few larger slippers waiting for them. You grab a pair and then throw it at him.
“Feisty. No wonder my stupid brother is smitten.”
“What?”
Shaw pushes off the slippers until they fall onto the floor near him. “But he’s too much of a damned chicken to ask you.”
“Ask me what?” Not that you’ve actually gone on a date with him or been together long enough for him to pop the question.
Shaw sighs a long one. “You’re just as stupid as he is. No, it’s not marriage. You haven’t even kissed or gone on a date. So what do you think?”
“If it’s not that, then… on a date?”
“FINALLY! She gets it. Yeah, we need him to get his shit together and grow a pair of balls.”
“We?” There’s that reference to balls. You’ll have to ask your big brother later.
“Being the ‘loving’ little brother I am, I want him to be with the woman he’s heads over heels over.” Loving? Ha, yeah right. What’s his motive?
“And how do you propose we do that? You plan on pranking him?”
“Heh, maybe you’re not as stupid as you look.” Grrr….
“Like whoopee cushions? Stink bombs? Switching the salt and sugar? Bucket of water on his head?”
“I take that back. You’re fucking stupid.” Geee thanks, THAW!
“Whatever you say, Thaw.”
“You want my help or not?” He’s about to put his stinky feet on top of your nice and clean table. When you glare at him, he plops his feet on the chair nearest to him.
“Is it illegal?”
“Is it illegal to be this stupid? If things go according to plan, it shouldn’t.” How many times has he told you his fool proof plans only to have them spectacularly backfire in both of your faces?
“Then what is it?”
Your stomach interrupts him as it reminds you that you have yet to eat breakfast. Oops? Since you know the big brat of a mooch is on your chair, you might as well feed him before kicking him out of your apartment.
“Is that a stomach or a dragon?”
“You want free breakfast or not? Yes, I do have Pepsi and Coke.”
Shaw shrugs and follows you into the kitchen area where you have a table for everyday meals. “I like living on the edge. Why not? It’s free food.”
What is that supposed to mean? It’s not like your cooking is hazardous to one’s health, not after all those lessons from the certified teachers and your mentor (big brother) and even rare, a certain Tsundere who happens to be a 5 star chef in the disguise of a CEO. You pull a can of Pepsi and Coke from your fridge before placing it in front of your so called guest. Next you set a large plastic cup in front of him.
“Plastic? I’m not a kid.”
“I’m not taking any chances.”
Since you’re going to be discussing… plotting how to get Gavin to “grow some balls and ask you on a date,” it should be something that doesn’t require much concentration. You decide on egg scrambles. As to what you’re going to put in it… Your fridge is nicely stocked thanks to you having gone on your weekly grocery run. You’ll put in red bell pepper, spinach, onions, sausage, and a bit of cheese.
“No complaining,” you say this as you’re about to start chopping the veggies, waving a large (and sharp) knife at him.
“Gee. My brother is going to be so whipped when you two get hitched.” He holds hands up in a mock surrender. “Smitten kitten.”
“So what is your big and glorious plan to get him to ask me on a date?” Thanks to your big brother, your knife skills have vastly improved to where you’re no longer cutting yourself… unless you’re surprised or startled. Since you pretty much live alone, there isn’t much to distract or startle you.
Shaw props himself up on his hands, his arms on your table. “We are going to give you a secret admirer.”
“Say what?!”
Shaw winces and in an exaggerated manner tries to clear his ears. “Gods… I don’t think they heard you in Japan or Australia.”
You ignore the comment on the volume of your shout. “What do you mean by giving me a secret admirer? Is that supposed to be you?”
Once Shaw ceases his fake deafness, he becomes as serious as he can be, which compared to others isn’t that much. “No, it’s not me. Why would I want to be a secret admirer of an idiot?” Intense glaring. “We’re going to make up a secret admirer.”
Of all the ludicrous plans of his, this takes the entire take and then some. “… Are you planning on hiring someone to give me gifts?”
This time Shaw laughs, but stops when he sees your knife. “No, we’re going to do it ourselves. Mail takes too long. Borrow Zappy from my idiotic brother.”
Eh? Does not compute. How does Zappy come into this? “Why Zappy?”
“The little guy is like me. He’ll be more than happy to be a little shit to his owner.”
“….”
“And he’s easier to bribe. Hope you have canned mandarin oranges.” Recalling your most recent grocery run, you remember picking up more than a few cans of mandarin oranges. What? You like eating them out of the can when they’re stored in your fridge.
After chopping your ingredients, you crack several eggs before you beat them in a bowl, imagining each yoke to be a certain annoying person’s face. It’s a productive way to get your frustration out. “Yeah, I have some cans.”
“One less thing to take care of. Knowing you, you wonder what Zappy’s involvement in it is. Remember way back when, birds were used to deliver messages?” Nod. “Zappy is going to be our delivery bird.” Wait a moment, how would this cute little bird know where you are? Or carry anything? “Trust me on this. That little shit can find anyone when he wants to and I’ve seen him carrying several kilos in weight.”
“But how would he get what needs to be delivered?” Now you’ve moved to your pan and heated up the oil. Your next move is to stir fry your onions, sausage, and veggies until they’re mostly cooked. If you put them in all at the same time, your eggs will end up burned before the veggies and meat finish cooking.
That’s when he points to himself. “I’ll be holding onto Zappy until it’s time for delivery and you get back home. My idiotic brother doesn’t recognize my handwriting.”
“Then how would you get the gifts to give me? I know you’re not fond of shopping for anything you’re not interested in.” Not to mention, he was a cheapskate… most of the time.
“We’re going shopping today.”
“I’m having lunch with my big bro and Gavin.”
Shaw scowls at first but then brightens up. “You can ask your soon to be bf for Zappy.”
“Won’t it be weird if I ask him?”
“Heh. Must I explain everything to you. Never mind. I’ll go ahead and do it. You’d think the wrong things. Tell him you need Zappy for a project you’re working on. Technically you’re not lying to him. You have a project but it’s not for work.” Ah that smug smile whenever he comes up with a brilliant plan.
Since you’re not lying, you decide to go along with it. What Gavin doesn’t know won’t hurt him in this case. “Logistics taken care of. What is my ‘secret admirer’ going to give me?” He gives you a blank stare. “You don’t have any idea.”
“How am I supposed to know what you like? Remember the key is to make him jealous enough to ask you. That means your secret admirer knows your every preference.”
That totally makes sense. “And I guess we’re going to be buying everything today?”
“Most of the stuff. Your secret admirer will be buying you meals to be delivered to your work.”
Once the scrambles finish cooking, you start toasting the bread. It’ll be done by the time you finish plating your creation. “I guess you’ll be making those calls?”
“Correct. He can’t see or know you’re ordering them for yourself. Otherwise what’s the point in creating your secret admirer? He’d have to be blind and deaf.”
You nod your head. “Minor tends to be a blabbermouth.”
“Fuck… I knew I was forgetting something.” Eh? So Shaw does make mistakes. Good to know.
“Um? He can tell Gavin what I receive?”
“I was going to say post your gifts to your moments…”
“Can’t I do both? It’s one thing to hear about it, but it’s another to see.” You slide over his share, toasted bread and fork included.
“So you do have a brain. Why don’t you use it more?”
You reach over to your used frying pan. “How about I start using this more?”
“You’re perfect for each other.” What is that supposed to mean? “Since you have time, we’ll need to figure out what your secret admirer will be giving you. Minimum of three per day.”
Monday.
1. Favorite tea
2. Favorite snack
3. Fine candy from overseas
Tuesday
1. Bouquet of flowers
2. Lunch delivered from fast food restaurant
3. Cute cell phone case
Wednesday
1. Tea set
2. Lunch delivered from fancy restaurant
3. Coupon for massage
Thursday
1. Earrings
2. Bracelet
3. Necklace
Friday
1. Lunch for employees
2. Candy making machine
3. Me in a naughty lingerie
You make another list and group them according to where you’re buying them. Grocery, candy place, cell phone store, your fave tea place, jewelry shop, massage parlor, and that naughty ahem. Seven shops. Looks like you have your work cut out for you that afternoon.
“Don’t take forever to eat lunch.”
You roll your eyes at him. “Of course not, we have a full day of shopping and not a lot of time to do it.” The New Light mall should have everything you need except for that shop. For that, you’ll need to walk a block down, but that’s the last thing on your list as it’s open much later than the others. You guess it’s due to the cliental and emergency purchases.
When Shaw starts talking about the naughty lingerie, you decide it’s time for him to leave so you can prepare for your lunch date. You kick out a hysterically laughing Shaw.
Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin
When you arrive at the restaurant on time, you notice two things… or rather two people having a nice conversation with each other. Your big brother and Gavin. Seeing their phones out, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out they have exchanged contact info. You hope it won’t end up with either of them in the hospital as you care for them both in different ways. You race up to them.
“I hope you haven’t been waiting for long.”
“Nope. I’m excited to see my little sister.” That’s when you notice several bags near him. “These are all yours.” How are you supposed to carry them?
“I’m too early, and I can give you a ride,” Gavin offers.
Speaking of which, you remember what Shaw has told you about your plan. “Er… mind if we swing by your place?”
Gavin blinks several times in response.
“Mind if I borrow Zappy? It’s for a project I’m working on. Please?”
Gavin runs his hand through his hair. “Sure, but don’t expect him to cooperate. He can be… a pain to deal with.” That’s what he thinks. You know how to bribe this little birdy so it’s no problem. The three of them are smart and each have their own personalities.
“I have my ways. So let’s grab a table?”
“Why don’t we put this in my car?”
Eh, car?
This time Gavin blushes. “Bought one.”
Oh. You recall you complaining about the rain and snow whenever he drives you anywhere. While he doesn’t mind it, you do. Not that he’s a horrible driver in inclement weather. You know you’ll arrive in one piece, but that doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy the ride there.
When you carry your gift to Gavin’s car, you notice your big bro’s truck parked nearby. While it doesn’t stand out, you’ve ridden in it enough time to be able to recognize it even if it’s raining or snowing. Considering how much he’s given you, it makes sense for him to drive this beast of a vehicle. It seems your big bro and Gavin approve of each other so far.
After you placing your order, an awkward silence ensues. You fidget in your seat as you’re unsure what to start talking about, and you notice your big bro is tired in spite of him trying not to show it. Also you have no clue as to what they’ve discussed in the time before your arrival. You want to know, but at the same time, you know both of them well enough to know they’d clam up before they tell you anything they don’t want you to know.
“So how was your trip?”
“Eh. It’s okay. My little brother wasn’t his usual pain in the rear self. My parents were their usual selves.”
“You mean pestering you about getting a boyfriend and adopting a kid?”
Your big brother chuckles as he scratches the back of his head. “Yeah. I haven’t found the one, you know?”
You nod your head, glancing over at Gavin who has taken to playing with his drink as the two of you chat. “You can say that again.” You pause. “I found someone, but… I don’t know if I’m good enough.”
“Pah. He should be grateful you’re interested in him. If anything, it’s he who isn’t good enough for my little sister. I mean you’re funny, friendly, caring, generous, talented, and hard working.” Just like your one, your brother says what he means and means what he says. So in short, he’s being his genuine self. “If he breaks your heart, let’s just say he’s going to need an ambulance.”
“Er… that’s not necessary. He’s sweet and caring, but he’s kind of slow on the uptake.” You say while you keep watch of Gavin from the corner of your eye. It seems he doesn’t take a hint as his demeanor becomes sour. Maybe you should stop talking about this as you want him to be in a good mood. “So what are you looking for in a guy?”
“Hm… Someone strong, honest, loyal, direct, caring, and has an open mind. It helps if he’s smart.” Oh wow, your big brother has really given thought to this. Your thoughts wander to the guys in your life. Two of them fit his description, but one of them happens to be the person you like and the other… well you’re not sure which way he swings. Hell you don’t know if he’s interested in a romantic relationship with anyone. “Not anyone would do.”
You nod your head. “Agreed. You need to have that special connection.”
“So who’s your one?” Your brother just had to ask that question. In spite of you two knowing each other for about a year, it feels like you know each other since you were kids. You know he can’t read minds nor see into any time. He so happens to be too smart for his own good.
Seeing as Gavin is focused on his drink, you nudge your big brother with your foot and then point to Gavin from under the table. It takes him less than a second to get the hint. Could get any more awkward? You have the feeling the answer would be yes, it could. “It’s a secret,” you answer in a sing song way and then stick your tongue out at him.
Your big brother chuckles before reaching over and ruffling your hair like a pet. By now, you’re used to this and actually don’t mind it. He’s your first sibling, and it gives you the warm feels. “All right, keep your secrets. When I find mine, I’m not telling you.” He glances over to the silent Gavin. “What about you? Have you found your one?”
Gavin stops playing with his straw and profusely blushes. He attempts to say something, but it comes out as gibberish. Between you and your big brother, you have no clue what to make of it other than he’s completely embarrassed about who he likes. Part of you wants to poke him until he confesses, however, you want to respect his privacy just as he respects yours.
Although a blushing Gavin looks incredibly adorable and you somehow manage to sneak in a short video of him playing with his straw, you decide to help him out of this. “What about kids? You said you’re going to adopt once you find the one.”
“Probably two, one girl and one boy. Personally I could care less what their gender is so long as they’re healthy and happy, but I suppose that’s how most parents feel about their kids.”
Gavin’s mood goes down. You know bits and pieces about his past, but enough to know that his shit of a father never treated as a son, more like a useless tool. Hah. Useless. Just because someone doesn’t have an evol doesn’t make them useless. Sometimes having an evol is more dangerous than it’s worth.
“Until I find that person, my kids have feathers and beaks.”
“Birds?” You hope you can pet them or maybe birdsit them while your big brother is away.
“I’m in the process of adopting three siblings.”
“Three at once?”
Your brother scratches the back of his head. “I’d rather not separate them. They’re close.”
“Then what’s the delay?”
“They’re not old enough to leave their parents.” That makes sense. Young birds need their parents just as humans need theirs. “I’ll let you know when I bring them home.”
“Do you know their genders?” You plan on spoiling his babies, but you need to know their gender, not that they care about colors.
“Won’t know until their first molt unless I get them tested.” Levi pauses. “I don’t plan on getting them tested. They’re all getting unisex names.” Before you can ask, he answers your question. “They’re normal grey cockatiels. My friend thought he was getting two guys. Turns out he has one guy and one gal. He never saw it coming.”
“They’re going to a good home.” Between the two of you, they’re going to be so spoiled. Thinking about it, you notice Gavin has gone back to playing with his drink. “How’s Pearly, Fiery, Icy, and Zappy?”
Gavin looks up. “They’re doing okay. Those three keep breaking out of their cage.”
“No way. I lost count on how many locks you’ve tried.” It appears all three of them are master escape artists. Good thing they’re well behaved and don’t cause much damage. Before you can ask more questions, your food has arrived.
You each ordered something different. Gavin has a burger with fries, your brother some pasta, and you have their house special salad. Your brother decides he also wants fries so he orders two. Why two? Because he knows you like them. Ah screw it. You need your carbs to keep you full longer. Plus since your salad is healthy, you can afford to eat the fries he ordered for you. Since he ordered it, he said he’d pay for it. You two squabble over it until you hear someone chuckling and look over to find it’s Gavin. It seems the two of you behave like siblings. You let him buy you the fries since they don’t cost a lot, but you’re not budging on the salad. However, when you go to pay for it, you discover someone already has paid for it. You round on your brother who shrugs and promises you he only paid for the fries. Additionally Gavin is acting strangely around you. It appears he paid for your salad. Your brother has kept his promise, however, you know Gavin made no such promises.
Oh well. It frees up funds for your next project. After giving your big brother a few hugs and telling (warning) him to get some sleep, you join Gavin in his car and head to his place. He doesn’t ask you what or why you need that specific bird to which you’re thankful for.
At his door, you hear all four of them making a racket. You wonder if they know you’re there. Since the three birds keep clustering up in one cage every single night, Gavin sells two cages (reserves third for transport) and buys one large cage for the three of them. They’ve been content. Once he unlocks and opens the door, the three birds rush out to greet you, chirping happily. Meanwhile Gavin groans and covers his face with both hands.
Once again, they’ve outsmarted him. Birds: a lot, Gavin: 0
“Nice to see you too.” You give each of them scritches as you greet them.
Gavin relieves you of Fiery and Icy who are annoyed they’re being taken away from you. Zappy cuddles against you, enjoying the attention you’re giving him.
Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin
After acquiring your delivery bird and dropping him off at your apartment, you head over to the New Light Mall where you plan on meeting your partner in prank. Unfortunately, you’re not dealing with one little shit, but two of them. You feel something on top of your head and then comes that familiar chirping.
“Zappy, you’re really an escape artist.”
Zappy happily replies as if to confirm your statement. They jump off your head down to your shoulder and snuggle against your neck. Since it’s more of a pain to go back home and put him in their cage, you let them be. More than likely, Zappy will escape again and again until you let them stay with you. They maneuver to underneath your hair. Silly bird.
Your wait for Shaw is rather short.
“I see you have that bird.” Shaw skateboards towards you. When he’s close, he hops off and does this weird trick where he flips his board so he can grab it.
“He followed me,” you grumble. While you don’t mind them, you prefer they stay in their cage where you leave them. “Reminds me of you.”
Shaw laughs. “You don’t say.” He reaches over to pet the bird who hesitantly accepts it. His expression is all too clear, the ‘I told you so’ one.
“Let’s start from one end and work our way to the other,” you suggest. It means less walking, which your feet greatly appreciate.
“Works for me.”
Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin <3 Gavin
Once you’ve finished your errands at the mall, you’re more than ready to go home except you have one last store and the most important one according to Shaw. However, you’re completely embarrassed to even think about going there. You have a feeling you’re going to be resembling a tomato until tomorrow at this rate. Your little stowaway doesn’t care where you go. You don’t think they’d be embarrassed by anything.
“You can’t chicken out on me. I don’t know your size, and you’re not willing to tell me.” Point taken.
You pull your hood over your head, dislodging Zappy in the process. They squawk before poking you with their rather sharp beak (not enough to break skin) to voice their displeasure. When you get to see them, their feathers are fluffed up and they’re glaring at you. They wait until you finish adjusting your hood before they crawl into it and settle between your neck and your hood.
At least you know where they are and don’t have to chase them like at the mall where you had to chase them more than a few times. It takes bribing them with mandarin oranges to get them back to you. Good thing there’s a supermarket in the mall. You buy extras even if it means carrying those heavy cans. Actually you make Shaw carry them since he’s usually the main reason why you have to chase after that bird. Shaw grumbles and makes threats against Zappy, but he sees the little guy as a bird version of him. In fact, you swear they can be siblings… if they’re the same species.
“Fine, let’s get this done and over with.” You really want to go home before you die of embarrassment or are mortified (petrified) in place.
Zappy keeps your neck warm the entire walk there. They’re like a little heater though not effective unless you’re trying to warm your hands or in this case your neck. Every now and then they poke their head out to see what’s making that noise. What a very curious little imp you have there. It makes you wonder how Gavin manages to deal with all three of them. You recall him mentioning this little one is the ring leader whenever they’re up to their shenanigans.
Once you reach the door, you hesitate until a certain someone shoves you into the store. It turns out Shaw predicted your hesitation and made you go in first so he could give you a little push when you stall at the entrance. You stumble a little inside, causing Zappy to fall off their perch, but you manage to catch them in spite of your bags. They climb back up your arm before snuggling against your neck and chirp in appreciating of you saving them from a harsh meeting with the hard, unforgiving ground.
Shaw grabs your hand and drags you to where they display the lingerie most men would like to see their women dressed in. He scans the racks as they have quite a selection of them. Anything that catches his eye would be pushed in front of you as he determines whether or not it would look good. They end up back on the racks as he doesn’t think it suits your complexion and/or figure. How would he know what you’re figure is considering you’re wearing baggy clothes, thanks to the weather. At least by now, it’s dark outside. You hope it’s enough to make you less conspicuous. It would help if they place your purchase in a plain bag with no store logo on it. Somehow you have the feeling they would.
“Are you planning on looking through the entire lingerie section?” you ask as you reach in your hood to pet Zappy, who is more than happy to receive this attention. They say petting animals can calm a person. Right now, you need that calm before you strangle your accomplice in this prank.
“If you had a better figure, I wouldn’t have to.” Now you’re tempted to throw a bag at him, but since you paid for it, you’d rather not waste it.
You look beside you to find a cute pink lingerie and pick it up to inspect it. When you hear Shaw snort, you lower it to see him giving that disappointed look. “What?”
“You want it to contrast with your skin, not blend in. What are you not thinking?”
“I’m thinking I want to get this done and over with,” you grumble as you place it back. So pink and skin tones are out of the question. That’s when you see something shoved behind the lingerie Shaw vetoed. Reaching over, you somehow extricate it. Oh, it happens to be your size.
Shaw sighs and is about to tell you not that pink lingerie, but stops when he notices you’re holding a red one. He tilts his head and then grabs it to place it before you. “This will do.”
As he’s inspecting the garment, you notice a certain STF uniform. You can’t see who it is, but you’d rather play it safe than sorry. They know who you are thanks to you knowing a certain someone and being friends with his friend. Gossip travels faster than Shaw to his favorite band playing in a concert. You shove an unsuspecting Shaw behind the taller racks, hoping that the person hasn’t seen you and that they’d go away soon.
Shaw squawks, but at least he hasn’t dropped the lingerie. “What is it?”
“STF.”
“It isn’t illegal to be in this shop,” Shaw points out.
You counter with, “But you forget a certain someone will find out when word gets around.”
Instead of giving you a complement, Shaw peers in the direction you’re looking. You both watch as that STF officer talking with someone who you don’t even know is as they’re standing in the shadows. When are they going to leave?
Minutes go by.
At last! They leave. You two scramble to the cashier who doesn’t question you about your odd behavior. Maybe it’s normal for people to hide in there? It’s better you don’t mention it at all. You pay using cash. Good thing they have ATMs at the mall since you were running low. You try not to keep that much on you as you don’t want to be a walking target. Since you’re with two living stun guns, your safety is assured. Zappy wouldn’t let anything happen to you as you spoil them along with the other birds, and Shaw needs some entertainment in his life which unfortunately happens to be you.
When you see the nondescript bag being used, you let out a sigh of relief. The cashier doesn’t bat an eye. They’re probably used to this kind of behavior from new people. However, they raise a brow when they see the two of you together.
“Something you’re not telling me?”
Shaw rolls his eyes. It seems the two know each other. “Not what you think. She isn’t my type. I prefer messing with her and my brother.”
“So you’re her advisor?”
“She’d be completely lost without me.” Shaw leans close to that person. “Trying to seduce my idiot of a brother.”
“I thought you hated each other.”
Shaw shrugs. “He’s okay. We tolerate each other now.” He glances over to you. “A certain someone played therapist.” Gee thanks, Pikashaw. “And I get to mess with him.”
“Nice. Good luck on seducing Gavin.” Just great, they know.
Leaning forward, Shaw whispers something in their ear and both have impish grins. “I’ll let you know what happens.”
“We have your favorite flavor in stock.”
“I’ll grab some later.”
The person reaches below the counter and pulls it up. “I came prepared. How many you want?”
“I’ll take them all.” Shaw then tells the guy a size and requests double his usual.
When he’s finished, you try to see what he bought, but he keeps it above your head, and you’re not about to jump on him to find out. You’re tired and you’d have one unhappy Zappy, one unhappy combo. Not to mention, by now the little bird is most likely full, thus, not as easy to bribe. Well outside of finding something shiny they’d be interested in. A glittery ball (one that doesn’t have glitter glued on) will suffice. Alas, you’re short one glittery ball.
After you arrive at your place, you’re both dead tired on your feet. You order take out to be delivered, and oddly enough Shaw is willing to fork over the money this time. With the exception of lunch, you paid for everything including Zappy’s bribes. Good thing Shaw doesn’t like to move when he’s tired. You’d rather not have to explain to your neighbor, Lucien, why you have male company who isn’t him or one of your employees.
As you’re digging into your Chinese take-out, you feel something brush up against you. You’re first instinct is to scream, but your mouth is full of egg roll. Oh, it’s just Zappy who’s stealing a noodle from you. HEY! You doubt you’re supposed to feed them that since it’s probably not healthy, but something tells you that they most likely snag some from Gavin when he’s not looking, It’s just one noodle.
On the other side of the table, Shaw laughs at the sight of the bird pilfering one of your noodles. Why don’t they grab one of his noodles? Since he paid for dinner, you let it slide. After you finish eating and throw out the empty containers, you plan on kicking Shaw out, but when you’re back from getting ready for bed, you see him out cold on your couch. Perched on top of his chest is a sleeping Zappy.
Just this time, you’ll let him stay. After all, you don’t want to wake up the cute little bird.
Day 1 <3 Day 1 <3 Day 1 <3 Day 1 <3 Day 1
When you wake up this morning, you find Shaw organizing your purchases and nearby him are materials to wrap the gifts from you “secret admirer.” Next to him is a playful Zappy. They’re rolling around with one of those shiny bows. You figure Shaw threw it at them or let them have it to keep them entertained while he worked on the prank.
“Morning.”
“Chirp!” Zappy’s on their back with their legs holding the bow up. What an odd position, but the bird seems fine and isn’t panicking.
“Breakfast is on the table.”
You glance over in the direction of your kitchen. Did he cook something? You’re not sure how good of a cook he is, but you definitely know your culinary skills are much better than his.
As if reading your mind, “I woke up early and got breakfast.”
“Okay, who are you and what have you done with the real Shaw?”
Shaw rolls his eyes. “I can wake up early if I have an incentive.”
“And pray tell, what is the incentive?”
“I get to mess with my brother.” Why doesn’t this surprise you?
In addition to breakfast being on the table, you see he brewed a pot of coffee. You squash your giggles. The brothers are more alike than they care to admit. Breakfast is on the cold side, but it’s edible and tastes good. Coffee could use improvement on. At least he tried.
Once you’ve changed in your room and grab what you need for work, you give Zappy some scritches which they want more of and leave a surprised Shaw a spare key to your apartment. You tell him it’ll be a pain if he keeps breaking in, and when he leaves to do whatever he does, you’d rather have your place secured. He can’t lock it from the outside.
When you reach the spot, you find your ride nowhere in sight. You glance at your watch to find you’re actually early for a change, early by ten minutes. Normally you’re a patient person, but with this weather, you’d rather not be waiting outside. Three minutes after texting, your ride arrives.
“Good morning, Gavin,” you greet him as he hands over the second helmet.
“Morning,” Gavin replies. Something is bothering him like really bothering him. It’s not your place to poke your nose in his business. At the same time, you don’t like seeing him this way.
The ride becomes awkwardly silent as neither of you know what to say other than your greetings. It’s as if you’ve gone back to square one. No matter, by the end of this week, he will definitely be happy. You’re sure of it.
At your place, you hear your employees gossiping. Haven’t you given them enough work? Working and gossiping at the same time? Meh, you’ll deal with it. However, it’s the topic of their discussion that grabs your attention. A few of them move out of the way so you can get to your desk. On top of it, you see a very familiar package.
“A gift? It isn’t my birthday,” you say pretending to be surprised.
Kiki slides over to you and starts shaking you. “Open it. Open it!” She’s more excited than. Granted she has no idea about your plan.
When you reach your desk, you notice the gift has been meticulously wrapped. Not a single crease or ribbon out of place though it’s a bit bent in a few areas due to delivery. You open the card first. In it, Shaw has written some sappy poem and signed it with Secret Admirer. Knowing your employees will not get any work done until you tell them, you read it out loud. A few catcalls and one shut up glare later, you’re tearing through the wrapping.
“How did he know I’m running low on my favorite tea?” He doesn’t. You picked it yourself. Having received random gifts in the past, you take it in stride. The idea of it being poisoned doesn’t pop in your mind.
“Oh wow, Boss,” Kiki whistles. “I bet it’s from Kiro. You two like the same stuff.”
“I doubt it. He’s been too busy with work.” You decide to make yourself a cup. As you’re heading to the kitchen area, you realize the tea arrived before you did. Not to mention, Shaw was in the middle of getting it ready when you woke up.
Oh right, messenger has wings so of course they’ll reach your work faster than you.
When you return from making your tea, everyone scrambles to look busy. You know they’re very much curious about who your secret admirer is. Trying to ignore their stares is harder than it appears. How does Gavin do it?
Time to enter the battlefield.
Some time later, Willow calls for you. She doesn’t sound panic, more like confused.
At the window, you find Zappy outside, tapping the window. No one has opened it. You open the window to let them in. They stay for a whole minute before high tailing it out of there. What they leave you is another package wrapped in a similar style as the tea.
You pull out your phone to take a picture of it and then proceed to open it. As to why you hadn’t taken a picture of the previous present, it didn’t occur to you until now. After you read the cheesy romantic poem, you tear through the wrapping and reveal your favorite snack. Good timing too as it’s too early for lunch, but your stomach says it wants something. You (along with your employees) take a picture of it. As you’re nibbling on it, you make a post on moments and include the photo.
By the end of the day (no need for OT yet), you’re gathering your belongings and ready to head home when you hear something run into a window. You (along with your employees) rush over to the window and find that same bird. Zappy appears to be fine, making you wonder if they purposely flew into the window.
You open the window and go over the same process. This time it’s foreign chocolate. Wait a moment, this isn’t the one you picked up with Shaw. You wonder if the brat went out to buy something else. Nah, he’s too lazy to do it when there are acceptable options available to him.
Now your entire office is buzzing. Perfect.
Instead of Gavin coming to pick you up, it’s your big brother. “Lev! What’s up?”
Levi crosses his arms over his chest. “Your last moments post.” Eh? “Those are the chocolates I bought you.”
Aw crap, they looked familiar to you. “Ehehehehe. Funny you should mention that.” You break down and tell him your secret admirer plan.
Instead of being angry or annoyed, Levi seems to be on board with this. He offers his help without being prompted or hinted. You hug him before you put on the helmet and hop onto his motorcycle.
What’s up with guys and their motorcycles?
Day 2 <3 Day 2 <3 Day 2 <3 Day 2 <3 Day 2
Second day. Gotta hang in there and keep it a secret. When Shaw found out you told your other brother, he almost lost it, but you reassure him that your brother is on board with the plan. Now you have someone who can assist should you need it. Somehow you have the feeling you’ll need all the help you can get.
An hour into work, a delivery person shows up with a bouquet of flowers. He asks for you since you’re the recipient. When you make yourself known, he hands over you the bouquet and an electronic device for you to sign it saying you’ve received the package.
In this time, your employees gather around you, whispering and of course gossiping. They also pull out their cameras and are openly taking pictures of it. Are they paparazzi? You search for the card and read it out loud, the customary poem and signature. Thankfully you have the foresight to buy a vase to be delivered with it. After a moment arranging it on your desk, you take a picture for you moments post.
Concentrating on your proposal, you forget you’re supposed to eat until another delivery person arrives. Instead of flowers, it’s your lunch. He hands you the bag and an envelope as if he does this on a regular basis. You tell him to wait a moment and tip him with a snack as you don’t have time to dig through your purse. Also, it looks like he could use something to eat. He thanks you for noticing it and heads on his way to his next delivery.
By now everyone is crowded around you, you use your outdoor voice to tell them the latest poem except this time you leave out who sent it to you. They should know it’s from your secret admirer. After all, who has been giving gifts on a regular basis? Well yesterday.
You, Kiki, and Willow have lunch together. It’s almost like a pot luck with the way you’re sharing your lunch. Both Kiki and Willow spend time trying to figure out who your secret admirer is. Kiki believe it’s Kiro while Willow says it’s from Gavin due to the poems. You remind them poetry is more of something Lucien would do. They have forgotten him.
Close to the end of the day, you manage to have good timing when you look out the window and see that familiar yellow/black bird flying in your direction. You abruptly stand up, startling your employees and open the window. They stare at you until they too see that bird drop off your latest gift and leave.
The same routine happens and you open your gift to find a cute cell phone case. “Oh wow, how does he know I have this model of phone?” you gasp in (what you hope) surprise.
Willow frowns. “Your secret admirer knows a lot about you. You sure this person isn’t a stalker or something?”
You wave her off. “I doubt a stalker would go through this.” Once you take a picture of the case, you replace your old one with it. Then you upload the picture onto moments.
Day 3 <3 Day 3 <3 Day 3 <3 Day 3 <3 Day 3
“Hey Boss,” Minor says hesitantly as if you’re going to attack him. Or maybe it’s Gavin.
“Yes?”
“Bro is upset. I mean really upset. Haven’t seen him this way since… high school.”
“Which bro are you talking about?” Your question reminds him that you have a bro, and that he should specify which one when referring to them.
“Gavin.”
This worries you as it’s way too early. “He hasn’t done anything, has he?”
Minor shakes his head. “I mean I like hanging out with him and all, but all he does is sulk or rant about your secret admirer.”
“He’s not drinking?”
“I offered him a can, but he refused. He takes his job seriously.” Minor sounds proud of Gavin as if they’re father and son instead of being high school friends.
You lean closer to Minor. “Whatever you do. Do NOT give him alcohol unless you want your New Year’s bonus to disappear.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And no telling Gavin I told you this.”
Minor gulps. “I’ll try.”
When you return from making your morning tea, you find that tea set, sitting on your desk. How Zappy delivered it without breaking anything leaves you confounded. You scurry over to your desk and open your gift. The rustling draws the attention of your employees. After removing the last piece of wrapping, you hold it up as high as you dare to show everyone. Unlike the other gifts, the note is in the tea pot. You open it since you hadn’t seen any note. Where is Shaw getting all these poems? You don’t think he’s into poetry.
Then it dawns on you… big bro is helping.
Anna brings order to the office as she ushers everyone back to work. “How many presents have you received?”
You start ticking off each one. “I think this is the seventh.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t lead him on. If you’re not interested, tell him.”
“Uh… how am I supposed to tell him when I have no clue who he is?” You’d give yourself a pat on the back for that superb performance if it wouldn’t look foolish as no one would have a clue as to why you’re congratulating yourself, and you’d rather not them questioning your sanity… what’s left of it once you and Shaw finish this plan.
When you open your moments, you notice a number of replies. In fact, this is the highest number you’ve received ever since you started the account. It’s what you don’t see that starts worrying you. In all your posts, Gavin has yet to make a comment. You know that he knows, thanks to Minor blabbering to you.
What sounded like a good idea at the time is now sounding like a horrible one. You don’t want to see Gavin this depressed or crushed. It’s almost the halfway point. You can do this. You just hope the other two birds can keep Gavin’s spirits from sinking way down. Sure, Pearly is cute and cuddly, but he doesn’t pick up on emotions like the other two do.
You text your big brother asking him if this is the right thing and that you’re questioning yourself whether it’s a good idea or not. His quick response doesn’t surprise you by now. You’re used to it. He tells you it’s like going to get a shot at the doctors or pulling off a bandage. The thought of what’s to come is worse than the actual act. You thank your big brother. He always knows what to say to encourage and support you even if it’s something you regret much later on.
Lunch is delivered and served from a fancy restaurant. The chef herself has put on a performance for you as she prepares your meal. Your coworkers look on in awe by the way she moves her cooking utensils and the food goes where it’s supposed to go, not flying all over the place. At the end of her performance, she hands you the card with the cheesy, romantic poem.
Your female employees are gushing over how you have a very generous and thoughtful secret admirer as he’s giving the stuff you like. Not to mention, he isn’t cheap either and going all out for you. You laugh nervously, saying that one day you hope you can see who likes you enough to go out of his way. The girls swoon over the thought and their vision of what/who he is.
The next delivery is a simple envelope via Zappy. When you show what you receive, they’re clearly disappointed and go back to working except for those two and Anna. You open it to reveal a coupon for a complete massage package at the trendy massage parlor. When Kiki squeals in excitement, your other employees snap their attention back to you and gather around you. This has become quite normal.
“So what are you planning to do?” Kiki asks as if you’re planning to give it away, and she hopes you’d pick her.
“Go after work. I haven’t been sleeping well.” Your thoughts drift over to Gavin and how he’s coping with all this.
“Aww…”
You chuckle before tapping her on her head with the envelope. “Last time I checked, it’s addressed to me.”
“This secret admirer must want you badly.” Willow whistles. “They only have the highest quality service and equipment.”
Anna gives you that look, but at the same time, you promised not to tell anyone else. “Kids these days.” She sighs and heads to wherever she is before your envelope arrived.
Day 4 <3 Day 4 <3 Day 4 <3 Day 4 <3 Day 4
That was one of your best night of sleep ever since you could remember. Ever since the first day, your big brother has been playing chauffeur. He doesn’t mind since he can arrange his work schedule around to fit yours and has assured you many times that you’re not a burden to him. In fact, he’d be quite troubled should you ask someone else to drive you to and from work.
You hear bits and pieces of a conversation you’re not supposed to be a part of. It’s not that you’re trying to eavesdrop. More like, your entrance isn’t noisy so they don’t know you’re here. You frown when you piece together the info.
When you appear, they cease their conversation and act as if nothing has happened. You decide to let them off with a warning this time.
“There will be no gambling here so you can stop wagering on who is sending me these gifts.” Your employees groan and grumble, but they comply with your wishes or at least they appear to. You hadn’t thought this far ahead. As for Shaw, you’re not sure he has even considered this.
When you reach your desk, you find a small jewelry box. Unlike the other gifts, it’s not nicely wrapped but placed in a see through bag for transport. You read off the poem. The first part of today’s gift is a pair of earrings.
“Oh my, he is serious,” Anna says as she looks over your shoulder.
“I’d answer only if I had someone to give that answer to.”
Anna gives you a supportive smile. “I know. You’re not the type of person to play with someone’s emotions.” She heads to her desk.
Hearing her say those words, you start feeling guilty. Are you playing with Gavin’s emotions? You’re not stringing him along as you’re trying to get him to ask you. The easiest way is to go up and tell him to his face, but as they say, easier said than done.
Willow leans back in her chair. “Why are you moping around? You have a very generous and wealthy secret admirer.”
You sigh a long one. “I just don’t want to be seen as taking advantage of his generosity.” Yeah right, you paid for all of these.
“Then he should grow a pair and tell you how he feels.” You know Willow is on your side no matter what you do and that includes the amateur mistakes you made when you first started. Not to mention, Kiki and Anna feel the same way. As for Minor, you’d rather not have him choose between you and Gavin.
“I hope he does soon. For my sanity.”
“And for Bro’s too,” Minor chimes in the conversation.
Everyday you’ve brought your own lunch even though you know you’re going to be receiving something from your secret admirer. If you brought your meals on the days you’re not going to have food delivered, then it would appear suspicious. As you’re about to tear into your sandwich, you hear a familiar chirping. You grab a mandarin orange, hiding it in your hand and head over to the window where an expectant Zappy is waiting with your gift. Positioning yourself between you and the bird, you use the hand with the orange to reach over and grab the parcel. However, you let Zappy grab the orange and let them take off.
“What is it?”
“Calm down, I’m opening it.” True to your word, you read the poem and open the jewelry box to reveal a matching bracelet. By now everyone knows the drill. They gather around you taking pictures. However, you decide not to post anything in moments as you know certain people are following you.
“I bet you’re going to get a necklace,” Kiki giggles from her seat to which you roll your eyes.
“We’ll see.”
Hours later, that necklace arrives. Kiki gives the ‘I told you so’ look. You two tease each other for a few minutes. Now that you think about it, she’s like a sister you never had, a younger sister. Maybe this is how Levi feels towards you. It takes Willow pulling on her ear to get her back working until you all call it a day and head home.
“Having second or third thoughts?” Your big brother asks when you approach him.
“Yeah. I just wish he’d do something, but he hasn’t contacted once,” you grumble and take his place behind him on his bike. Of course, you wear a helmet.
“Oh he’s been doing something all right,” Levi says though he doesn’t start his bike. “He’s been bothering me about who your secret admirer is. He believes you tell me everything.” Yeah, while you do tell him a lot, it’s not everything.
“Did you tell him?”
“I told him to ask you directly.”
Phew.
Day 5 <3 Day 5 <3 Day 5 <3 Day 5 <3 Day 5
When nothing arrives for you in the morning, your employees are greatly disappointed. Don’t they have something like work to do? You suppose it has been their entertainment for this otherwise boring week, and they need something to help them get through it.
“Everyone!” Anna yells over their chatter. After it becomes quiet, she continues. “Courtesy of our boss’ secret admirer, we have lunch!”
Your employees cheer and anyone close to you thanks you for having such an awesome secret admirer. Some even tell you to keep this person. You’re relieved when they don’t ask any questions. Between you and Anna you organize how the lunch is to be distributed. There will be four different groups, going at staggered times to pick up their meals. When the current group is almost finished, you call for the next group to line up and begin. It’s like one of those buffets or pot lucks where people fall in line and then pick up what they want.
Later that afternoon, you hear a thud and a squawk at the window. You rush over since you know who made that noise and find a very tired Zappy on top of a very large box. Poor little guy. You pick up the bird and take them in, leaving the box for now. Once they’re at your desk, you go back for the box. It’s heavier than you thought. No wonder why Zappy struggled to fly it over.
“I knew it. That bird looks exactly like bro’s,” Minor announces to the entire office. He reaches over only to pull his hand back when the bird snaps at him. “Maybe not. Zappy’s nicer.”
You keep the window open for when the delivery bird feels ready to make the trip back to your apartment where you know Shaw has been hanging out lately. He claims he doesn’t want to haul your gifts to his place and would rather crash at yours. You’re annoyed at first, but then realize, it’s more practical for him to stay there with you, the gifts, and the bird.
“Boss, do you even know how to use it?” Kiki asks as she reads the side of the box. This isn’t wrapped, and instead of being in an envelope, your poem along with signature has been taped to one side.
Your eye twitches. “That’s why they come with instruction manuals.”
“How many instruction manuals have read and understood?” Trust those two to give you a hard time. They’re not doing it maliciously. It’s more on teasing in a good way. Like you’re three sisters.
“Youtube.”
They both sport this ‘oh’ look as if they practiced doing it in synch. You guess you’ve been around each other long enough that your small habits have rubbed off on each other.
“And here I was going to share the candy with you.”
The two become much more friendly and helpful. When you open it, they’ll help you use it… at your place on the weekend.
Zappy is too tired to fly back, and you hide them until everyone has left. Then you call your big brother up to your company and have him carry down the candy making machine while you carry the little bird. On your way, you give a slight nod of your head to the security guards who do a double take when they see your little bundle. By now, they’re used to having your big brother come and go from your work place. It also helps he’s on friendly terms with them.
Instead of his bike, Levi brings his truck along with Shaw and Zappy’s cage. You hand over the exhausted bird to Shaw before hoisting yourself into the front passenger seat. Then you notice the gift you’re supposed to be wearing and the other items to set the mood.
Your next stop is Gavin’s place. It dawns on you that you don’t have a key to his apartment. How are you supposed to enter his apartment without one? You glance over to Shaw and then your big brother. It seems they have it planned out or so you hoped.
When you reach Gavin’s apartment, Levi pulls out what looks to be a lock picking set. He gets to work on the door. A few seconds later, you hear the sound of a door being unlocked. He gives you a cheeky grin. “Bet you didn’t know I could do this.”
“You never told me.”
“You never asked.”
Levi apologizes for driving you there and running. He has an appointment with a client. You’re grateful he at least brings up Zappy’s cage. He tells you he’ll drop by your place after to deliver your candy making machine.
Shaw shrugs. “He demanded I give him your spare key.”
Right. You thank every deity Levi has taken things into his own hands and got your spare key back. Knowing the brat, you figure he’d give you a hard time for awhile and then let you have it. It occurs to you he may have created a duplicate. You’ll ask your landlord if you can change locks later at your expense. Your landlord can be a real piece of work, but if you’re offering to cover the expenses and the request is within reason, he’ll give it the green light.
You place Zappy back into their cage with the other two who are very worried for their companion. The birds start chirping up a storm. You have no clue what they’re talking about and figure they’re catching up on whatever they missed. Not like Icy and Fiery have anything interesting to say except for how Gavin has been behaving lately.
Shaw takes out your lingerie. “You get changed. I’ll set up here.”
Since you’ve been there quite a few times, you know your way around even without any lights. You can walk around there in your sleep for crying out loud. “Thanks for everything.”
Instead of replying with ‘You’re welcome,’ Shaw motions for you to get going and rifles through the bag for something.
Once in the bathroom, you realize you’re not sure how to put on this lacy garment without accidentally ripping it. You were too embarrassed to ask the person who sold it to you, Shaw’s friend… acquaintance. Turning it around and around gives you no clue how to don it. As you become frustrated, you take a deep breath. What did you say about Youtube? Oh yes.
Good thing you take your phone with you and start searching for instructions on how to put the thing on. You find something, but it’s not on the website you thought you’d find it. As you’re following it step by step, you see something off. Oh Shaw has removed all the tags. How thoughtful of him… when he wants to be. You swear he does most of the things on purpose to get a reaction of you.
Since you’d rather not rip it before you have a chance to actually wear it, you go through the motions slowly and handle the lacy gently. With the tags removed, there goes any chance of returning or exchanging it. You swear it should come with a set of instructions on how to wear it.
You look at yourself in the mirror and turn around to make sure you have everything where it needs to go, not that there’s much in the way of fabric or lace. This is for Gavin so it has to be perfect. He’s given so much to you and you want to show how much you appreciate him. You squash your rising feeling of guilt for what you’ve most likely him through these past… four and a half days. This day isn’t over so it doesn’t count as a full day.
Seeing everything in order, you blush as you think about how Gavin would respond. Would he be a stuttering and blushing mess? Tripping over his words? Or would he be like a hungry wolf ready to pounce on his prey? It brings up memories of when you dressed as Little Red Riding Hood while he was the Big Bad wolf for your Halloween party. You’re not the only couple who came dressed as a set. Kiki and her boyfriend came as Cinderella and Prince Charming while Minor and Willow as Snow White and her Prince. Before the party, you decided to go with a fairytale theme.
When you pick up your phone, you notice how much time has passed. You place your hand on the knob ready to exit, but… do you want Shaw to see you like this? Maybe you can cover yourself with your jacket until he leaves. No, that won’t work as he needs to help you arrange yourself on Gavin’s bed. That means he’ll have to eventually see you wearing it.
“Here goes nothing.”
As you open the door, you involuntarily hold your breath. Your body reminds you to breathe once you step out of it. “Shaw, we need to hurry up!” With your attention on carrying your clothes and cell phone, you miss seeing something important.
That is until…
“Shaw, what the hell are you doing with her?”
This voice could only belong to… Gavin. You raise your head to see Gavin on the verge of strangling his own brother who was trying to fight back the tears… no, laughter.
“This isn’t what it looks like!”
Gavin’s eyes drop onto the bed where Shaw has laid thick ribbon, a bow, a flower, and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. Then his gaze moves over to you and your huge blush.
“SHAW! When did you get this?” You point to the fuzzy handcuffs. The ribbon, bow, and flower, you already know about it. But that adult toy is something you’ve never laid eyes upon until now.
“You two are boring. I’m spicing things up between you two so sue me.” Shaw shrugs as if it’s an everyday occurrence to break into a brother’s place with someone who likes him and that kind of toy.
Gavin frowns before he slams Shaw into the nearest wall. Good thing they’re not far away from it. “You…”
Instead of being upset or angry, Shaw starts laughing hysterically as if he’s lost his mind. You stare at him as if he’s grown an extra appendage. On the other hand, Gavin is too furious to care.
“Date. Date. Date. Date.” Since none of you are talking and no one else should be in the apartment, you and Gavin start scanning his room for the source. Meanwhile Shaw is laughing so hard he looks like he’s crying. If isn’t for his older brother, you swear he’d kiss the floor by now.
As soon as the chanting resumes, you and Gavin stare in disbelief. Never in either of your wildest imaginations (and you have a very active one) did you think any of these birds can speak, but here they are chanting one word. Date.
With Shaw out of the picture (laughing), Gavin turns to you for an explanation and when he really gets a good look at you, he too resembles a tomato. He averts his gaze to anywhere except you.
After taking take a deep breath, you somehow manage to get your feet moving over to him. You place your hands on his arm as if reassuring him. “Nothing is going between us.” You point to Shaw and then to yourself. “Promise.”
“Then why is he here and you’re wearing… that.”
Shaw manages to calm himself down to where he can speak. “My idiot of a brother needed to grow a pair of balls.”
“What did you say?” Gavin pushes him back into the wall.
“Man up.”
“….”
“Isn’t it obvious why she’s doing this?”
“…. No.”
“She wants you to fuck her.”
“SHAW!” You’re tempted to slap him, but with the way the two brothers are positioned, you’re not tall enough to reach over and give him a smack.
“All right. All right. Since you’re too much of a coward, she needed to take drastic measures.”
“You’re not the secret admirer?”
Shaw snorts. “There never was one.”
“Then how… what… those gifts.”
“I bought them and Shaw helped me send them to myself,” you finally admit. “Are you mad at me?”
Gavin exhales in relief, all that pent up anxiety and frustration released at once, now that he knows you never had a secret admirer. At the same time, he’s a little annoyed. “But why him?”
“Err… he knows you better than I do.” You hope this will suffice. It does to a certain extent.
“Now that you know, you can let go.”
“Why should I?”
“You plan on going on a date with her holding me like this?” Shaw motions to the two of them.
“No. Why didn’t you tell me?”
You puff up your cheeks. “For the same reasons why you didn’t ask me.”
Conflicting emotions appeared in those amber eyes. “I see.”
“Great, now that you two lovebirds have made up, you can release me.” Shaw pauses. “I left you a little surprise under the pillow.
Curiosity gets the better of you and you reach over to yank the pillow off. What you reveal causes your blush to intensify, Gavin to become a stuttering mess, and Shaw to laugh hysterically again. You hastily shove the pillow back over the items, wanting them to disappear.
“Gavin, I—”
You notice Gavin on the move still holding a hysterically laughing Shaw. You follow him until he reaches the entrance and literally throws his brother out. He slams the door with a little too much force, causing the walls to rattle along with your nerves. You gulp.
Man, you’re in big trouble.
The loud pounding on the door diverts both your attention. “I forgot to mention. I left a book in the bag. You’ll need it for tonight.”
“The bag” happens to be on a table close to Gavin. He reaches over to open it and then closes it immediately.
All three birds wolf whistle and make suggestive chirps. At least they’re out here and not in the bedroom. You open your mouth to say something when you’re swept off your feet and carted off to his bed.
Gavin uses his weight to pin you. “A little bunny has been very naughty.”
#mlqc#mlqc mc#mlqc gavin#mlqc bai qi#mlqc haku#mlqc shaw#pokemon#zapdos#Zappy#sibling complexes#brotherly love#little shit Shaw#naive MC
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a union-mandated break post
(okay, let’s see if I can type this all over again after losing the post. gotta remember how it all went.)
Hey there, the few mutuals who Like all of my posts, the lurkers who occasionally make their presence known, the lurkers who I also hope are there, and all you folks who come across this post naturally before scrolling on (that’s fine too, please have a nice day! remember to take a deep breath and unclench!). I wanted to make a post giving a casual update.
Things have been going. You know how it is. Time proceeds onwards at a pace that is a crawl to some and fleeting to others, depending on relative perspective. The average of all these observations may be Objective Truth, a hazy mythical and abstract prospect which to this day no living human has ever known (due to the nature of perspective). We still try to know it for some reason, an endeavour which may be “a good thing” or “a condemnation of our species,” but that’s relative too. See above. Still, it is possible to take an approximation of what we figure this average to be and find ourselves (mis)balanced on a knife-edge in between all perspectives. This narrow path, the knife-edge between fast and slow, between good and bad, between ecstasy and despair, seems precarious at times, yet at other times is like a garden, wide and spacious enough to sit awhile. Our perspectives cover this garden from us with the shrubbery of Can’ts and Shouldn’ts, and the way to the garden is fraught with the misty cloud of Look-Like. And yet, ultimately, these shrubs and mists are but prismatic scenery colouring our time on this Earth, a perspective which is easy to see from within the garden. The Earth is brown and grey and immortal, though wearing an impermanent coat of blue and green. One day, we will slip out of our perspectives and return to the Earth, join her mounding’s mass, and that will be death.
So that’s the weather. Sometimes cold, sometimes mild, sometimes wet, sometimes dry, sometimes bothersome and sometimes the only backdrop I could ever want. I’ve been up to the usual, cycling between interests like a bat between haunts.
- The other day I got around to playing Smile For Me, an experience which took me about three hours to more-or-less complete 100%. Really cute game, I fell in love with all the characters, and the budding horror elements made me excited to see where it’d go.
- Currently I’m playing A Monster’s Expedition Through Puzzling Exhibitions, a game often cited in the same breath as Baba Is You and Stephen’s Sausage Roll. I think those two games are puzzle masterpieces, and A Monster’s Expedition is hitting me in the right spot. It frequently fills me with awe, which is impressive considering the game is just a long series of oblong block-pushing puzzles. It has scope, though, and it has the guts to hide that scope from you until you’re able to discover it for yourself. I’ve played for about 10 hours so far, beaten over 200 islands, and yet I feel I’m only getting further away from the end goal. Hard to describe. It’s a good game.
- When I’m done with that game, next I’ll be checking out Spelunky 2. I’ve wanted to try the original for a long time but never got around to it; I picked up the sequel. I know very little about the games (with a rough idea of what gameplay is like), and I intend to keep it that way for as long as I can. I like games that rely on discovery.
- Book-wise, I’m, y’know, reading Finnegans Wake as I fall asleep, occasionally inching through other books too, but my main reading focus at the moment is The Familiar. I went and picked up a new copy of Volume 5, and I found the Volume 3 I had kinda lost for a while, so now I have the full Season 1 again. And it’s been long enough since I read any of them that it’s finally time to reread them. As a unit this time. I am... so happy to be in their headspace. I’m currently in the second act of Volume 1, taking in a lot more details this time (and I do still remember a sense of where the whole plot goes), really cherishing the commitment to physicality and aesthetic. There’s not many authors out there like Danielewski. House of Leaves kickstarted my book obsession, y’know. And The Familiar is about as grand as a project can be. It’s supposed to be 27 volumes, each one 900 pages long, and the design of these books is goddamn sublime. The publisher only let him do the first 5 volumes, which is sad, but luckily those 5 volumes make up a “Season,” so they’re still a whole thing, a complete story arc for each of the nine protagonists, and plenty of secrets and details that give a good sense of the true scope. And did I mention the series is fucking scary? Profoundly so, each new volume weaving you deeper into its conspiratorial web of eldritch coincidences and patterns. The story is full of cats, immortal cats, God-cats. There’s a scientist who keeps a freaky magic orb and is known as Wizard. There’s an Armenian taxi driver who’s one of my favourite characters. And you can probably get all the volumes Used for fairly cheap on Amazon now. ........please, somebody join me in loving this series.
- Creative-wise, I’m working on music as always, putting notes next to each other until I get a result I can do something with. There is one piece that’s definitely done, a collaboration between Lindsay and I, but it’s going into Nine Is God so you won’t hear it just yet. Speaking of, that’s coming along. I haven’t even started making any codes or cool connections yet; I want to finish the... Core of this update first. Let’s be deceptive and call it the Main Blog. I have proven to myself that I definitely can do this; I keep stumbling on new mechanisms I can add, and I have a pretty vivid idea of what the whole thing will look like. It’s gonna be maybe a decent size for a Blog, all told, but it’s the form of the thing that mandates a lot of care. Luckily I have made Viceking’s Graab, so this isn’t the first time I’ve done something this mechanically ambitious. ...look, just. Of course I’m excited to Actually Talk about this thing, but like with the Graab, its nature requires me to keep it secret until players finally discover it for themselves. I like making that kind of thing, I want the sense of discovery, of climbing up a hill only to reach the summit and see an even bigger mountain looming over you that you hadn’t realized was there. Like Frog Fractions, or its sequel, even if you know there will be more than meets the eye you still get surprised and filled with delight. This concept fits neatly into an ARG format.
- Oh, also, I’m super excited for the Braid remake. It’s gonna have a comically thorough amount of developer commentary, and that’s all I want from this world. It’s even coming to Switch!
Media can be used as a tool to assist with the experience of life, and that is the way I want to approach things. I have spent time adapting myself to feel comfortable in these boring aesthetics (of understated puzzle games, thoughtful pretty books, blogs as art) because this means I am less susceptible to getting burned out during contemplation and self-examination. It may seem like a matter of taste, but taste is relative too; it’s not hard-wired, it can be adjusted, it does adjust all the time under the hood. ...I don’t know where to go with this one, other than that I should be careful not to condescend. I am not above anyone, I am confused too. I just.. like confusion and mazes, and I try to speak these aesthetics in an approximation of how I see others talk about theirs.
Right. I think that’s the bulk of it, that’s what I wanted to say today. I hope you are holding on, reader. It’s a wild and lonely world out there, and it’s our world; it’s yours just as much as it’s anyone else’s. You are important to it.
I leave you, mysteriously, with an old Genesis song. It’s called “Can-Utility and the Coastliners,” which is a silly way of saying it’s a song about the myth of King Canute. Sick of flatterers claiming he was equal to God, he went to the sea shore and said “If I truly am equal to God, then let the waves halt at my feet!” They didn’t. An astute demonstration, but it just prompted his flatterers to praise his ingenuity. “But he forced a smile, even though his hopes lay dashed where offerings fell.” I’m not really sure how the story ends. But it’s a wonderful song, starts off very folks-y but quickly takes a left turn down Mystery and Beauty. And it’s freaking Genesis.
See ya.
#rambles#at least they're not tag rambles this time#can't believe i managed to remember that whole ramble about relativity and objectivity and the garden in the middle#though amusingly i guess i really just remembered........ *an approximation* of it. :3
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Every Single Star vs. the Forces of Evil episode in one sentence or less
I’ll probably post a more in depth-review later this week, as I have opinions literally no one wants to hear but I will proclaim anyway, and then I’ll probably also due a revision of my ‘Past Queens Connection to Star’ post from way back in season 2. Cause that needs an update.
Anyway, enjoy!
Star Comes to Earth: Princess Cinnamon Roll that Could Kill you comes to earth and meets Misunderstood Safe Kid.
Party With a Pony: Spoopy Wardens hunt for the glitter pony while Star gets ice for Marco’s sweaty back.
Matchmaker: In which we learn it was probably a bad idea to give Star the wand in the first place.
School Spirit: Star misunderstands football and Marco tries to get Ferguson to blow his whistle not in that way.
Monster Arm: “Not my bowels! I love my bowels!”
The Other Exchange Student: Star is jealous of the meatball man from Bakersfieldville.
Cheer Up Star: “It’s supposed to be ironic!”
Quest Buy: Very accurate depiction of what it is like to work in retail.
Diaz Family Vacation: Both Marco and Star see new sides of their dads but that’s not necessarily a good thing
Brittney’s Party: Star and Marco party on a bus that Ludo hijacks
Mewberty: Star gets horny and snares boys in her web but not in that way
Pixtopia: Marco messed up and Alfonso marries Ferguson’s rebound
Lobster Claws: “… You can’t eat children.” “Really? Not even the annoying ones?”
Sleep Spell: “Camera Phooone!”
Blood Moon Ball: We’re suppose to ship them now, right?
Fortune Cookies: Love is never the answer kids
Freeze Day: Father Time offers Star and Marco some mud before riding away on his wheel-mobile pulled by giant time-hamsters I am not making this up.
Royal Pain: King Santa Claus destroy mini-golf
St. Olga’s Reform School for Wayward Princesses: Princess Prison sure is a nightma–OH MY GOD ARE THOSE CLUBS?!
Mewnipendence Day: No wonder monsters hate Mewmans so much.
The Banagic Wand: Star still doesn’t get Earth and like all of us, Marco is always hungry.
Interdemensional Field Trip: Miss Skullnick fears the “Big Change” while Marco sends Jackie cat memes
Marco Grows a Beard: Ludo is out, Toffee is in, and Marco will probbaly be terrified of beards forever
Storm the Castle: “SURPRISE!”
My New Wand!: DIP DOOOWN
Ludo in the Wild: Wait, since when did Ludo become badass?
Mr. Candle Cares: “Star and I have recently become smooch buddies… On the lips.”
Red Belt: Marco searches for a meaning in life and Star searches for hammer.
Star on Wheels: *epic remix of Marco saying Star is in trouble*
Fetch: Marco can’t open juice and Star runs away from her problems and sending thank you cards
Star vs. Echo Creek: Star gets high and destroys a police car
Wand to Wand: Both Ludo and Star are terrible at magic also major ship tease
Starstruck: Star and her idol Sailor Super Saiyan destroy a park and Marco is 100002% done with this shit
Camping Trip: King Butterfly has a mid-life crisis and tries to control an eagle
Starsitting: They’re gonna be great parents some day.
On the Job: Buff Dad is best dad and buff babies are adorable
Goblin Dogs: “You might think this line is long, but listen to my goblin song!~”
By the Book: Ludo and Star still suck at magic and Glossaryck is a bigger troll than Alex Hirsch
Game of Flags: And I thought my family was dysfunctional...
Girls’ Day Out: Janna is back and is still awesome btw
Sleepover: “TRUTH! STAR HAS A CRUSH ON MA–” *cue fandom freakout*
Gift of the Card: R.I.P. Rasticore Chaosus Disastorvayne… He couldn’ get his fucking chainsaw to work
Friendenemies: Star becomes one with Christmas tree while Tom and Marco go on a date and sing a romantic pop ballad.
Is Mystery: Meatfork is apparently a family name and Ludo is really starting to freak me out tbh
Hungry Larry: “He’s still hungry…”
Spider with a Top Hat: He tries and he is awesome and that’s all that matters
Into the Wand: SPAAAAADESS!!!
Pizza Thing: Marco is OCD about mushroom and Pony Head buys skinny jeans
Page Turner: Moon, how did you miss Toffee in the orb he was right there!
Naysaya: Marco is a mood in this episode
Bon Bon the Birthday Clown: Honestly my favorite episode overall
Raid the Cave: Glossaryck is the true neutral asshole.
Trickstar: Weird Al is a treasure and I’ll mes up anyone who makes Marco cry!
Baby: Aw, look at the little deadly baby, I love her!
Running With Scissors: Marco gets a new edition to his shipping harem and she is so cute!
Mathmagic: Why did the chicken cross the road?
The Bounce Lounge: Marco is definitely the mom friend.
Crystal Clear: The Chancellor guy is amazing and Rhombulus just needs a hug and wAS THAT ECLIPSA IN THE BACKGROUND?
The Hard Way: “SURPRISE!” 2.0
Heinous: Oh, so that’s how Marco got all that money.
All Belts Are Off: This is the negative side of “Pro-tag teen hangs out with older adult figure” trope done splendidly
Collateral Damage: Marco how do you not know what a possum is?
Just Friends: I’m fine! *blows up sign to prove just how fine I am*
Face the Music: This song is actually a banger
Star Crushed: Looking back, I’m starting to think the writing peaked at this episode....
BATTLE FOR MEWNI EDITION!!!!!
Return to Mewni: This is… just an exposition filler. Not much else to say….
Moon the Undaunted: B4! B4! B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4!
Book Be Gone: Seriously, did Glossy take trolling lessons from Alex Hirsch this is hilarious!
Marco and the King: This is the “Pro-tag teen hangs out with older adult figure” done slightly better
Puddle Defender: Aw, look at the little buff babies, they’re getting so big!
King Ludo: The mime stole the show.
Toffee: Yeah, I think the writing peaked somewhere around here...
Scent of Hoodie: Huh, so Ponyhead can be written as likeable, who would’ve thought?
Rest in Pudding: The colors are not doing the censors any favor here, huh?
Club Snubbed: I literally yelled “Phrasing!” whenever they dropped the title
Stranger Danger: Is she the new antagonist of the series? I can’t tell
Demoncism: Tom is a wonderful baby boy and Ponyhead is written as likeable, part 2!
Sophmore Slump: *sobbing* Jackie deserved better, dang it!
Lint Catcher: I’m starting to wonder if there is any competant authority figure in Mewni
Trial by Squire: I think the writers were all like” You think these guys will ship anyone with Marco?” and decided to test that theory.
Princess Turdina: I got more lore out of this episode than I thought I would.
Starfari: Welp, she makes me uncomfortable.
Sweet Dreams: *Sailor Moon-ing intensifies*
Lava Lake Beack: Proof that this fandom will ship anyone with Marco at the slightest inclanation
Death Peck: Rich Pigeon is my new favorite birb and Ponyhead is written as likeable for the third time
Ponymonium: Well, it was nice while it lasted.
Night Life: The writers made so many new ships they had to get rid of an old one!
Deep Dive: “Chicken butt”
Monster Bash: Well, that explains the cheekmarks.
Stump Day: I think they just made an episode based around a picture from that bookcover.
Holiday Special: *insert every cheesy Christmas/Holiday episode trope here*
The Bog Beast of Boggabah: The title is fun to say and the episode is average at best.
Total Eclipsa the Moon: Seriously, I’m supposed to think she’s an ultimate villain.
Butterfly Trap: In which we are all Sean, don’t lie we were all him at the end
Ludo, Where Art Thou?: Dennis is best brother, hands down.
Is Another Mystery: *sniff* I got more emotional over this episode than anyone else did and I’m not sure how I feel about that
Marco Jr.: I… I just… Why? What’s the point?
Skooled!: Epic advertisment fakeout combined with wonderful character development and lore with a shock ending makes a 8/10 episode.
Booth Buddies: Old Man McGucket ships Starco, proceed to react accordingly
Bam Ui Pati!: Ponyhead is kinda likeable in this episod–nevermind she’s back.
Tough Love: Oh man, it’s happening! It’s happening guys here we go!
Divide: We are going to war everybody–And they’re all dead. That was quick.
Conquer: They should have paid Alex HIrsch to voice Glossaryck at this point, it’d be more in character for him.
Butterfly Follies: Proof that someone will always complain about politics no matter what.
Escape from the Pie Folk: Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that he kinda resembles Eclipsa more than Festivia?
Moon Remembers: I was expecting a freakout but was pleasantly surprised
Swim Suit: I’m starting to get a bad feeling about Rhombulus
Ransomgram: Why is everyone in this dimesnion hot?!
Lake House Fever: She’s a good mom
Yada Yada Berries: They missed an opportunity to have a Seinfeld actor guest-star, just saying
Down by the River: I’m glad that she can relax
The Ponyhead Show!: And Ponyhead is offically no longer likeable, can someone toss her into an abyss please?
Surviving the Spiderbites: SpiderSlime is canon proceed to react accordingly
Out of Buisness: How did this place go out of buisness???
Kelly's World: Man, they’re really setting these non-Starco ships up to fail, huh?
Curse of the Blood Moon: Pfft, yeah, sure, Starco won’t be canon at all!
Princess Quasar Caterpillar and the Magic Bell: I think Ludo has the most consistent character arc out of the entire show’s history.
Ghost of Butterfly Castle: Moon, Star is your daughter and Star supports Eclipsa, why would you not tell her?
Cornball: This episode has a heartwarming lesson that I hope more people come to realize
Meteora's Lesson: I’ll take any Toffee scenes I can get
The Knight Shift: I honestly don’t remember what happened n this episode
Queen-Napped: Seriously, can someone please dropkick Ponyhead into an abyss?
Junkin' Janna: The JanTom interaction I’ve been waiting for
A Spell with No Name: These types of episodes stopped being charming awhile ago
A Boy and His DC-700XE: I think Tomco has more ground to stand-on then Starco at this point
The Monster and The Queen: Don Panchito voices Globgor! There’s hope for this show yet!
Cornonation: They’re the best couple/parents/anything around!
Doop-Doop: I honestly think Rick just put Morty through some flux-capacitor or something
Britta's Tacos: Hey, remember these people that we suddenly brought back? No? Me neither!
Beach Day: This feels like a Season 1 episode and it’s nice
Gone Baby Gone: I want a TV show aout them now! Disney, please!
Sad Teen Hotline: Mr. Diaz is way to invested in Star’s love life.
Jannanigans: Hello last minute Janna character development!
Mama Star: So that’s how Mewni came to be--and I don’t care anymore
Ready, Aim, Fire!: Let’s get that finale ball rolling people!
The Right Way: Ok, that spell is actually pretty badass.
Here to Help: There, Starco’s finally canon will you guys just shut up now!
Pizza Party: Moon you idiot you ruined everything!
The Tavern at the End of the Multiverse: Toffee was right all along... I think we all knew that in some way
Cleaved: I expect nothing substanial and that’s what I got
#star vs the forces of evil#svtfoe#svtfoe2#svtfoe3#svtfoe4#battle for mewni#smilesthroughfandoms#Don't repost without my permission#seriously don't#these are my opinions#scary i know
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Content Creator Update (Warning: Long)
I’ve been meaning to make this post for quite some time now, but... well, this entire post itself could be used as a reason for why even this update took so long to see the light of day. So I just wanted to talk to you guys about what’s been going on lately, and how I intend to proceed from here on out.
THE EXPLANATION
As I write this message, I am in the midst of exam season. It might seem a little silly of me to be writing it right now, but this is actually the calmest things have been for me for awhile. Even during my holiday break, I was still doing schoolwork. I calculated it and uh... nine out of the fourteen days that I got off of school, I spent working. As classic of an excuse it is to not be working on all of this stuff that I do for you guys, I’ve been an absolute mess of due dates since the beginning of September. This year in school, I’ve been trying a lot of new things -- which has been totally great for my learning and my experiences, but has also been very stressful for me to try and balance.
If you were to try and get me to list some of my successes from this semester, it would probably become somewhat clear to you what I’ve been up against... so some of my biggest projects have included editing & scripting & recording audio for a 32 minute documentary for my tech course, planning a school event (tours for the incoming students) as a major project, writing a full-length poetry collection and a full-length short story, reading six different novels for school (all overlapping), being a peer helper who created lessons and attended events for my students, and being a leader for my school’s art club as we try to plan an art show. And these are only the bigger things that I did this year! I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I’ve been working pretty hard to get things done. It seemed like from September to November, I was even giving up my lunch breaks to work on school projects. I’d maybe have two to three hours when I got home from school, and then I’d go right back to work again. It really was an exhausting schedule!
Needless to say, it most certainly impacted the progress I was able to make on projects like Danganronpa 21. If the sheer amount of assignments and extra homework I had to do was not enough to get in the way of my writing time, then my lack of energy for it surely would. Half the time when I would find a sliver of time to work on Danganronpa 21, my body and brain were tired and were not having it. I would force myself to write it anyway, and then end up not liking where it had gone because I didn’t have the brain power to actually think about what I was doing. At the current moment, I’m actually on the sixth version of The Old World’s Future’s fifth chapter because I kept running head first in to the same problem because I couldn’t think about what I was doing wrong. It didn’t occur to me that if I were trying to build up a friendship, I should probably consider actually having it build rather than just making them instantly appreciate each other. Furthermore, just because I wrote down “do this”... does not mean I planned it. I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote something in my plans and then immediately refused to keep going on that point that was really very crucial to progression, but regardless now I have to go back and try to expand on it. Apologies for getting a bit huffy with myself there, I’m just frustrated and guilty over how long I’ve made the wait for something new. I promise it was never my intention, and I’d really like to get back on the horse as soon as I can. I’m hoping that perhaps my next semester will be easier, as my writing-heavy and weirdly demanding courses are behind me. I’ll even have the benefit of a spare period, too! So hopefully, this will grant me just a little bit less exhaustion and just a little bit more time. Thank you all so much again for all of the patience you have given me, because I appreciate it so much!! I know I say it all the time but you are all so sweet!! I literally don’t deserve you!! I’m going to do my best to keep creating content for you, and hopefully I won’t disappoint!!
THE FULL CONTENT UPDATE
Naegiri Week 2018: I’m sure some of you have noticed, but I never actually got to finish writing my prompts for Naegiri Week 2018! Work managed to get in the way even more right at the end, so after days of submitting things late I was forced to postpone it entirely. However, I do intend to finish them even though 2018 is over! I’m not sure whether or not I’ll post them on here (or if that will annoy the poor NaegiriWeek moderators in some way, I don’t want to be any trouble to the nice people!) or if I will simply upload them to ArchiveOfOurOwn (just a reminder, you can find me there under makot0naegi). Regardless, I intend to finish them up as best I can and give you something to enjoy. I can’t say for sure when I will be done them, but at the very least uh... they will come before Chapter 5 of Danganronpa 21. I’ll try to get them done while I’ve got the free time!
Regeneration, Rebuild: I dunno if there is a huge demand for this one, but if at all possible I’d like to start uploading more stories to this little one-shot collection. In particular, I think I’d really like to focus on one of the families or relationships that is NOT the Naegi-Kirigiris. Much as I love them, I really would like for the others to have their time in the spotlight as well. Currently I’m thinking of having it focus on Byakuya, and the struggles he faces with his son and being a single father. It would be kind of angsty but also kind of touching, and that’s about the extent of what I will tell you lest I start to spoil things. I’m really good at that, hahah.
Danganronpa 21: The Old World’s Future: As I mentioned previously, I am on six layers of Chapter 5. I’ve been fighting myself tooth and nail in an attempt to get this right, and I’m not about to stop trying now! I think what I need right now is just some time to sort myself out -- where I’m going, what I’m writing, and knowing concretely and for sure of what I’m doing. If anybody’s open to it, I might even like to bounce ideas off of people for the next chapter as I work on it. If there was one thing I learned from my creative writing course this year, it’s that working with others is actually way less scary than you think it will be... and it’s actually pretty helpful and fun! So if anybody has anything they want to suggest or talk about, hit me up and lemme know! Additionally, because I have so many scrapped versions of Chapter 5, I’m hoping to share some of the deleted scenes with you as well as unused sprites and any other things that I made or thought of while I was working!
Bonus Content: If anything, this is one thing I will try to keep a steady flow on. I’m going to do my best to update you with bonus content both here, and on my Instagram page (@kotocake) so that you’re never too too drained of anything you might be interested in.
Non-Danganronpa Stuff: If that’s of any interest to you, I’ve got stuff for that too! Lately I’ve been thinking about doing a little bit of writing and other mediums in relation to a few other things... but I dunno for sure about most of them. The only thing I really have my heart set on is Fire Emblem Awakening fanfiction. My friend suggested the game for me awhile ago and I finally got a copy for my birthday back in December, and I’ve loved it ever since. I’ve had a few cute and fun ideas for stuff for it, so if anybody else is interested I am more than ready!
CONCLUSION
Allow me to get mushy gushy again and say that you guys are all angels, and I adore all of you, and I am so lucky to have such eager yet patient people supporting the things that I do. It really makes me so happy to see others responding to my work and further responding to me as a person, too. I love having this group of people, and I honestly look forward to all of the time we will continue to have together. You are all amazing!! If you ever need anything, just let me know and I will do my best to support you. You all deserve wonderful things!!
- Your friend Koto
#danganronpa 21#a long overdue update#sorry i babble a lot#and complain a little#but i promise theres updates at the end#love you
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can you rec good female monster horror movies?
asdfghj to be completely honest i don’t actually know a lot of horror movies? i’m not very good at watching movies and i get scared really easily so i don’t often watch them. i think joey @tenderbeasts posted a rec list of monstrous female horror movies here.
i can recommend other things though? some of these women won’t be technically monstrous but run maybe parallel to it.
the claymore series; it’s a manga/anime, and it’s my absolute favorite. the summary is this: “in a world where monsters called Yoma prey on humans and live among them in disguise, humanity’s only hope is a new breed of warrior known as Claymores. half human, half monster, these silver-eyed slayers possess supernatural strength, but are condemned to fight their savage impulses or lose their humanity completely.” it’s got very nearly everything i like in a series. it doesn’t sexualize them really either, which is honestly huge for a manga/anime? it does have nudity, but it presents it in a way that is meant to be horrifying. it doesn’t have explicit gayness but if you read between the lines it’s there. it has women who fight their monstrosity and women who embrace their monstrosity, it’s got a majorly female cast of characters (claymores are only women). and the main character, clare, is so interesting; she’s obsessed with vengeance, stubborn as hell, never gives up even if every odd is against her, and we get to watch her grow emotionally and physically stronger throughout the entire thing. i’d really recommend it. (if you want triggers you can message me -- it would make this too long if i listed them here.)
the monstress series; this one is a comic by marjorie liu and sana takeda. it’s ‘set in an alternate world of art deco beauty and steampunk horror.’ i’ve heard it called an asian matriarchy. it’s about maika halfwolf, a ‘teenage survivor of a cataclysmic war between humans and their hated enemies, the arcanics.’ marjorie liu says this about it: “monstress was more a desire than an idea. an impulse that came over me, something i’d think about in the shower or when i was driving and listening to janet jackson on the radio. i had this image in my head of a battered girl standing alone, absolutely furious, and behind her a battlefield that stretched for miles. i didn’t know what to do with it -- and i’’m not all that patient -- but i had no choice in this matter. nothing was there. no story. just the girl. i don’t know anything about war, not having lived through one. but my grandparents experienced the devastation of war firsthand in china. in their stories surviving was more horrifying than dying. surviving required a desire to live more powerful than any bomb or army, a summoning of superhuman resilience to keep going, day after day. [...] and the victims of this horror had to learn how to first survive...and then survive the surviving. [...] and the root of my desire, i finally realized, was to tell a story about what it means to be a survivor. a survivor, not just of a cataclysmic war, but of racial conflict and its antecedent: hatred. and to confront the question: how does one whom history has made a monster escape her monstrosity? how does one overcome the monstrousness of others without succumbing to a rising monstrousness within?” the art is beautiful. the story is deeply enchanting. i’d recommend this one perhaps more than claymore.
and i darken, and its sequels, by kiersten white; this one is not technically about a female monster, but i’d say lada comes as close as a human can get. it’s about the historical vlad dracul reimagined as a cis girl. she’s brutal. she’s wild. she’s angry, she uncontrollable, she’s badass, she’s amazing. i’ve read the first book honestly dozens of times -- once i got to the end i’d flip back to the first page and start again. lada is incredible. the writing is beautiful. i love it. the book also has a sympathetic portrayal of islam -- lada dislikes their kingdom for personal reasons, but her brother radu (who is everything she is not: beautiful, tender, kind) converts to it, finds home and safety in it. spoiler -- he’s also gay. (lada appears to be straight, which is ridiculous, but there are other lesbians) i haven’t read the last book yet because i’m rereading the other two first, but i’m sure it’ll have a good ending. i really trust kiersten white on this one.
sharp objects by gillian flynn; this one is more female villainy, but still. i posted a quote from her about this book not too long ago; i’d repost it, but i don’t want to make this post too long dfghj -- in essence this is gillian flynn’s exploration of female cruelty and villainy -- it’s about bad women, it’s about female dark sides, none of the women in this are portrayed very kindly and that’s the point. it’s flynn getting tired of sugar-sweet women-are-meant-to-be-nurturing women-aren’t-cruel-like-men women-can’t-do-genuine-bad-things narratives and writing her own where absolutely none of the women are 2D kind and simple.
the last werewolf series by glen duncan; this one i’m a bit iffy on recommending -- it’s got beautiful prose, and talulla is just as much a monster as her male counterparts are, but it’s got some.... issues. for example, the first book (with a male narrator) -- jake never refers to cis female genitals as anything other than c*nts. (at one point he literally says he’s not a misogynist because of the way he fucks women.) the ending of the first book is interesting though, and unexpected. the second one is with talulla’s point of view. she’s better than jake, but there is a point (spoiler) where a man is raped, and she’s mocking about it. (”women go through that every day, why are you whining?”) that part honestly kind of ruined the book for me, and duncan does punish her for this mentality, i’m sure you can imagine how (only attempted though, we don’t read a graphic rape, which i’m sure duncan would have included if he thought it would have worked). i haven’t read the final book and i’m not sure if i will -- the things i’ve heard about it are -- strange, to say the least.
the book of the ancestor series by mark lawrence; beginning with red sister, followed by grey sister, and the third one not due to be released until april 2019, this is honestly one of my new favorite books. it’s brutal and incredible and it’s about assassin nuns with a completely new religion in a fantasy setting (and some of them are lesbians!!). nona’s growth is really interesting to read and her interactions with her fellow novices are kinda what makes red sister. i’ve talked about this series a lot so i won’t do that again here but honestly, read it
carrie, of course, the book and the movies, i love the book more though, probably just because it gives more information on what carrie is thinking, i haven’t read it in awhile so i don’t have very many thoughts on it rn to give fghjk
ask baba yaga: otherworldly advice for everyday troubles by taisia kitaiskaia; this book is absolutely gorgeous, the writing is haunting and incredible and i’m really into baba yaga lately so finding this book was a godsend. it’s based on an actual advice column the author ran on a website whose name i forget atm -- she collected some of her answers into a book and published it, and i’m so glad she did.
i’m just gonna end this here because this got a lot longer than i intended sdfghj (i had more books planned to share too!). i’m sorry i couldn’t exactly give you what you asked for, i really don’t watch that many horror movies, i’m not into gore or too much violence or anything like that, and i dislike having to google triggers before a movie and getting spoiled for the whole thing. if you want more book recs though you can hmu :0
oh also! the monstrous feminine by barbara creed! it’s not fiction but it’s an examination of female monstrosity in film and i’d really recommend it!
#anonymous#long post /#female monstrosity#recs#listen ! i am very sorry i couldn't be of more help fghjk#i usually just read stuff#like honestly most of what i do every day is read books#if you read these im me and tell me what you thought!#and okay to rb!!
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No Control
So here it finally is! My Big Bang fic for this year! I’m so happy to be finally posting and I really hope you like it cos I worked really hard! Huge shout out to all the admins of the @pjohoobigbang for being patient with me and organizing this whole thing! Also a massive thanks to my two awesome betas @strugglinginthedatabase and @poison-for-breakfast for not only getting me out of many slumps but also geeking out with me about the books! And of course to my artist @nightowlagainsttheworld ! Enjoy!
*****EDIT here’s the link to the art
Thalia Grace, daughter of Zeus and lieutenant of Artemis, made her way quietly towards the Big House of Camp Half-Blood where Chiron was waiting for her. The old centaur had chosen his human form for their meeting and was seating by the fire when she walked in, a blanket covering his fake human legs. His smile was warm but his eyes told her he was all business today. “So glad you could make it.” he told her, “Please, have a seat.” Thalia did as she was told, anxious to know what this whole meeting was about. “Were you surprised to get my Iris message?”
Thalia and Chiron had always kept good connection with each other, but it was mainly due to their links to the Hunters and the Campers respectively. “Yes.”
“It’s nothing bad,” he reassured her. After a pause he added, “Annabeth is fine.”
Thalia eased a little, but -as always- was uncomfortable by how easily Chiron could read her.
“I need a favor, one that might include you donating some of your time to the camp.” Chiron could tell that the idea didn’t particularly settle with Thalia. “I’m asking now because I know Artemis has given your hunters a bit of a break at the moment. Not that you’re not still busy.” He added the last part to appeal to her pride, which he knew resembled the one of another certain demigoddess, but it just made Thalia even more suspicious.
“What is it?”
“I want you to teach.”
Thalia allowed herself a small chuckle. She always felt like she had to be extra professional around the old centaur. “Teach what exactly? I know you have no shortage of great fighters. Unless something’s happened…”
“Nothing’s happened, my dear child, and you are right we have no shortage of great fighters that can teach how to throw a javelin or archery. But we both known that for some those are not their only weapons.”
Thalia started to get an idea of what Chiron was leading up to and couldn’t help but feel like he was over-estimating her. “Chiron, I…”
“You’re the eldest-”
“Well technically Hazel is.”
“You’ve been managing your powers for longer.”
She thought of Jason and how he flew through the skies. She thought of Percy’s surprise at her fear of heights and his promise to keep it a secret. “That doesn’t mean anything, not with us.”
Chiron leveled her with his dark eyes. She was once again reminded of just how old he actually was. With a jolt of surprise she realized that one day she might look like that, untouched by time but carrying the weight of it nonetheless. “You’ve grown more than you could think, Thalia. You understand things I don’t think they do yet. You can help them.”
Thalia suddenly felt very nervous and very small, which was embarrassing. She was the eldest. They listened to her, right? “I don’t know-”
“At least try it, Thalia. That’s all I ask. You won't be alone. I'll try to give you pointers every once in awhile.”
She took a long breath, not daring to meet his eyes again. Something didn't feel right, but she couldn't think of any reason to deny him. “Okay.”
***********
I hate mornings. There’s no reason that any sane person should wake up before nine a.m. When my alarm blared fifteen minutes ago, at 6:45, I was in the middle of a perfect dream about picnics and Annabeth’s tan legs, a rare novelty nowadays. It'd probably been the first good night’s sleep I've had in weeks. I don’t see why I had to trade that for the painful trek to Zeus’ Fist. I especially don’t get why I wasn’t even told the details of this ridiculous meeting.
I’m still dwelling on self pity when Nico sulkily appears next to me. I’ve gotten more used to his silent walk and I’m barely fazed. He grunts an incoherent ‘good morning’ and I nod back. In many ways Nico and I are polar opposites, but we both agree in our hatred of mornings. He looks like he got out of bed and walked straight to the clearing without really stopping but to maybe brush his teeth, which is probably exactly what he did. It’s what I did, anyways. Which is why Hazel, fresh faced and cheery as ever, looks extremely out of place between us. “Morning!”
I force a smile for her because it's impossible not to. “Hi, how's Frank?” Hazel has stopped by often enough since the war ended, but I haven't seen Frank in a while.
“Busy. He says hi.”
“Do you know what all of this is about?” Asks Nico.
I tell him that I was just about to ask them the same question. I gathered it was probably a head counselor meeting but Annabeth didn't know anything about it when I told her last night and those are alway held in the rec room.
“Well it must be important because Chiron called Jason too.” Adds Hazel.
“What?”
“Yeah, Piper told us yesterday that Chiron called Jason late last night. Told him to come in as soon as possible. He should be here soon actually.”
I'm suddenly wide awake. Chiron called Jason, both Nico and Hazel, and me to a meeting in the woods? I exchange a glance with Nico. “Is Thalia here?”
“Jason’s sister?”
“I don't know,” answers Nico, “I hope not.”
We both know that if she is, it means a quest. Big Three children are not gathered all at the same time at random. Last time we were we had to follow a magical flower around the Underworld and I ended up wiping a Titan’s memory away. Long story.
We walk in silence the rest of the way. Hazel keeps looking at me and I can hear her whisper something to Nico but I don't pay attention to what they're saying. I'm trying to keep my temper in check, to convince myself that Chiron doesn't actually expect me to go on some ridiculous quest. Not now.
I walk without thinking, letting my feet lead me down the familiar path and subconsciously following the tug of the lake. When we finally get there, Chiron is talking with none other than Thalia Grace, in all her punk glory. I dig my nails into my palm and curse.
“Nice to see you too, Percy.” I open my mouth to apologize but she waves it away. She understands. “Relax,” she tells me, “it's not what you think. We’ll explain once Jason gets here.”
She is in no hurry and there's a warm smile, or at least Thalia’s version of a warm smile, on her face as Nico officially introduces her to Hazel. Thalia wants to know everything about her experience with the Amazons and both girls start talking excitedly. I'm still not fully at ease, but at least it isn't a quest.
I wish Jason would hurry up already.
“There you are, Jason my boy!” Chiron finally calls ten minutes later as Jason jogs towards our small group. He looks as confused as I feel.
“Can you tell us what's going on now?” I ask. I add please after I realize how blunt I sounded. This is Chiron after all.
It's Thalia who answers, though. For the first time I notice that she actually seems a bit nervous. Only someone that knows her well could tell since her expression is as hard and as fierce as ever, but I notice how she fidgets with her bracelet. “Well, Chiron called me a few days ago to express his… concern towards a particular aspect of… us.”
“By ‘us’ you mean Big Three kids, right?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,” says Nico, arms crossed, “what about us?”
Thalia looks really uncomfortable which half amuses me and half worries me. “Well…” She looks at Chiron for help.
“You're powerful.” He states.
Nico rolls his eyes. “Water is wet.”
I stifle a chuckle but elbow him anyways. “What Nico means is that you've always known this. What’s ‘concerning’ you now exactly?”
“What if you blow up another volcano?”
I'm immediately taken aback with Thalia’s comment. “That was one time!”
“What if Jason causes a tornado?”
“What are you talking about?” It seems like the thought never even occurred to her brother.
“What if Nico brings back a dead person he can't control?”
“What's happening?”
Jason looks from his sister to me, puzzled. Nico looks honestly offended. And Hazel seems to actually be considering what Thalia is saying. “Chiron,” this conversation is getting us nowhere, “what's going on?”
“I've asked Thalia to come and teach you control over your powers.” I don't bother hiding my snort of laughter, but Chiron ignores me. “She's the eldest of the current Big Three children as well as an experienced hero. I can think of no one better for the job.”
An old wave of jealousy comes flooding back, the exact same feeling I had all those years ago after I realized I wasn't going on the quest to save Annabeth from Atlas. I push it aside now though and process what Chiron is saying. Does he think we’re out of control? I look at Jason who is practically the poster boy for control, at Hazel who has shown incredible precision when we've needed it the most. Even Nico has managed to always pleasantly surprise with his power, each time they've randomly manifested they've pretty much saved my life.
Does he think I’m out of control?
What if you blow up another volcano?
“What exactly would we be doing?” Hazel is pretty much the only one that has accepted the idea right away.
Thalia has gone back to looking uncomfortable but I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for her. If I remember correctly, she was the one that lost control and hit me with lightning last time we were here. Granted, I almost dumped the lake on her, but that was a conscious decision.
“I haven't decided yet. I think we should learn what triggers each one of us first.”
Anger. Panic. Helplessness. We all know what makes our powers surface.
Jason, being Jason, back-tracks a little. We need to sort some things out before we get to that point, he tells Thalia. He is pretty busy in New Rome at the moment, what with just barely being named Pontifex a few days ago, and Thalia has the Hunters. Not to mention the fact that I need to graduate high school and I'm already a semester behind. I was hoping to use my new free time to catch up on homework (Gross, school work over the summer. Thanks Hera).
“For now,” Thalia assures Jason, “we can meet for a couple of hours during the morning. I'm sure Reyna and Frank can handle the camp while we figure out the schedule. The Hunters will be staying here for a couple of days too.”
Thalia ignores the look I give her. Hunters and campers don't exactly hate each other but things get tense fast, and she knows it. Is Artemis okay with her hunters taking a break for the sake of Thalia teaching a class that's supposed to be recreational? It doesn't seem like her at all.
“Chiron suggest we should start straight away, so we’re meeting back here tomorrow at the same time.”
None of us say anything for a while. We’re all waiting to rush off and tell someone about this ordeal. It's Nico who breaks the silence by stating “It’s settled then” and proceeds to walk away. Hazel waves sheepishly at me and Jason, tells Thalia it was nice to meet her, and follows her brother out of the clearing.
I know Thalia and Jason haven't seen each other in a while and I'm itching to find Annabeth and Grover, so I quickly excuse myself too. “I'll see you tomorrow then.”
I'm walking away when I hear Thalia. “Wait!” She calls out. I turn on my heel, certain she’ll make fun of my hair or tell me my fly is down or something. “Just give it a shot, okay? Just… try.”
I don't know how to answer. Her face is barely guarded and, even though it hasn't aged in years and I've started to look older than her, for the first time I sense how much younger I am. “Okay.” Whatever is actually going on here, she's noticed it too.
By the time I leave the clearing most campers are probably done with breakfast and are heading to their daily activities. I myself have a sword-fighting class to teach in half an hour, according to my watch. Nevertheless I head to the Dining Pavilion and I’m not surprised to find Annabeth waiting for me in the Poseidon table. She doesn’t say anything as I slide in beside her. I’m not going to fake enthusiasm with her.
“What was it about?” Annabeth finally asks.
I tell her, forcing any sort of resentment towards Thalia out of my voice since I know she’ll defend her (and I know she’ll be right). I’m acting childish by getting angry at Thalia, but I’m choosing to divert my anxiety towards our old jealous feuds. When I’m done explaining she tries, and fails, to look sheepish, not meeting my eyes. I know what she’s going to say.
“Honestly,” Annabeth starts, “I think it’s a great idea. And I know you think Thalia-”
“It’s not that.” I can’t stop thinking about the look in her eyes. I agree with Chiron. She is the best person for the job (of course I’ll never admit it out loud but I know it anyways), but Chiron had plenty of chances to do this in the past. It doesn't make sense to do it now. “It’s not about Thalia.” I know that if I think about it too hard I'll realize something I don't like. Suddenly, I don’t feel like talking about it anymore.
Annabeth notices my change of heart and drops any sort of argument about Thalia I know she’s tempted to start. “When’s the first meeting?”
“Tomorrow.”
**************
“-he was just acting really weird.” Hazel finishes. She couldn’t possibly imagine why a class like this might bother Percy so much, even I’m guessing. But I’ve got a pretty good idea.
“He’s got his reasons, Hazel.”
“Which are?” She is concerned for him, but prying is the last thing he probably wants. She stops and pulls me aside so that we're facing each other. “Should I know something? About… us?”
Maybe she’s not only concerned about Percy. “What do you mean?”
“…What happens to our powers as we get older?”
I haven’t forgotten how Hazel died. People tend to forget that she’s a powerful demigod, but I don’t. She doesn’t either apparently. “I don’t know.”
“Why would Chiron be so concerned about us learning control now then? Why not when Percy was younger? Or when he found out who our father was?”
The timing seems strange to me as well, but it could be a number of things or nothing but a coincidence. “I don’t know, Hazel.” I try to reassure her even though her questions have made me even more suspicious. “It’ll be fine.”
“Nico,” she pulls me to a full stop this time, just a few feet away from the dining pavilion, “tell me what you really think.”
I sigh. “I think this is definitely weird and I don't buy Chiron’s excuse for it. I also think that maybe we’re all overreacting because we’re still on edge from the war.”
She looks a little more relieved, grateful even that I'm being honest with her. “Okay.”
******
Piper greets me with a dazzling smile as she open the door to her cabin. “How was it?”
I walk towards her, aware that Lacy, along with another one of her sisters, is observing us from the corner of the room. “Fine,” I say, my voice clearly guarded. Piper casts a glance towards her sisters and a few seconds later I hear them shuffle out of her cabin. Only when I hear the door close behind them do I bend down to kiss her. “Thalia was there.” She raises an eyebrow at that. “And Nico and Hazel, and Percy.”
She completely pulls away now. “What?”
“Thalia is going to teach us how to ‘control our powers’ apparently.” I see her physically relax at the knowledge of this not being about a quest.“She didn’t seem too excited about it.”
“How come?”
“I don’t know she seemed… nervous.” Piper gives me a look. We’re both thinking the same thing: Thalia doesn’t get nervous. “And Percy wasn’t too happy about it either. Thalia told me it was just how they got along but…”
“But they’re friends right? She went looking for him when he disappeared.”
I haven’t forgotten the jealousy I felt towards Percy after seeing how worried my sister was over him. “It didn’t seem like they hated each other or anything. Plus it wasn’t just him. Nico wasn’t thrilled about the idea either.”
“They’re probably nervous. You guys are really… powerful.”
“So are you,” I argue, “you literally lulled a goddess to speak with you voice!” She looks like she wants to argue but I continue. “I mean, Katie Gardner can grow plants at will. Kayla con manipulate sunlight. Frank can turn into pretty much anything.”
Piper’s eyes are steady. “Yeah but not like you guys. I can’t cause a natural disaster.”
I asked Thalia about Percy making a volcano explode after everyone else left. Apparently he caused an earthquake underneath Mt. St. Helens when he was fifteen and ended up waking the giant that lived underneath it. I remember hearing about it on the news too. People were hurt, half a million had to be evacuated. That was almost two years ago. I know he’s only gotten more powerful since then. It makes sense Chiron would want us to know how to reign in our power better, but still...
We sit side by side on her bed. She grabs my hand. “I don’t think you guys have to worry about anything. Maybe Chiron had been thinking about it for a while and wanted to try it out with a smaller group first, the hardest group, before making an actual activity at camp.”
She doesn't sound too confident. “Why bring in Thalia then? She can't stay here and teach.”
“Maybe Chiron wants her to train you guys so eventually you teach-”
“Piper.”
She sighs. “I know. Something's definitely up.”
She starts chewing on her lip, finally giving up the look of fake enthusiasm she greeted me with. I immediately feel guilty about weighing her down with my own worries. She's got enough on her plate. She might not show it, but Leo’s death is more present than ever. It's only been a few weeks after all.
“Have you been talking with Nico again?” She immediately turns away and attempts to hide how her hands shake as she makes her bed, but I notice. She's been pestering Nico ever since the final fight with Gaea. She won't accept Leo is dead until he confirms it. I wish he just would, because without it it's hard to not hope he's still out there, but Nico downright refuses. A few days ago he admitted to me that it was because he simply couldn't find him. He seemed a little embarrassed, but I understood why he preferred not telling anyone else. I haven't even told Piper. “Pipes, I think you should-”
“I should what?!”
“Piper.”
“Forget about him?! Is that what you want?! Because no one else seems to mind-” Whatever she was going to say next gets caught in the sobs that suddenly rack her body. I rush forwards to her and wrap my arms around her. What was I going to say? I don't even know. I just wish she wasn't so miserable all the time now. I wish I had Leo back.
I kiss her forehead and try to soothe her by rubbing circles down her back, but her cries cut through me, and suddenly it's very hard to keep my own composure. I haven't really let myself fully embrace it all. Somehow I've managed to trick my mind into thinking that Leo is just away, that any day now he’ll descend onto camp atop Festus and apologize for taking so long. But every day he hasn't.
“I think about him every day too, Piper,” I whisper by her ear, embarrassed by how my voice cracks, “I don't know what to do. I just- I can't see you like this.”
She looks up from where she buried her face in my chest. I can't meet her gaze; I'm properly crying now. I curse myself for blubbering like a child. She wipes my tears away with the back of her hand and gently pulls my face to meet hers. When I look into her beautiful, puffy red eyes I lose it. I'm sobbing almost as bad as she was just a few seconds ago. She takes my glasses off and takes my face in her hands before hugging me tightly to her.
I think we're finally mourning Leo.
“I can't just accept he's gone, Jason.” I can't either, it's as if my whole being simply rejects the mere possibility.
I manage to get a grip on myself after a couple minutes. I pull away from Piper slightly to wipe away my tears. “Sorry. I'm ..sorry. I'm a mess.”
“Don't be,” she tells me, not bothering with her own tears, “we’re both a mess. We have a right to be.”
With a huff I pluck down on her bed. My thoughts return to the meeting this morning, but they're half-hearted. The significance of whatever might be going on there seems to have diminished. Piper sits beside me, resting her head on my shoulder. We stay like that for a while. I can still hear her crying beside me.
“Hey,” she calls in an attempt to lighten the mood, “I've been meaning to ask you. And I get if you don't want to, or want to stay at the camps. It makes more sense-”
“What's up, Pipes?”
Her eyes are still puffy from crying and her hair is sticking up at random places, clearly she was just getting ready when I walked in because she's also still in her pajamas. Being head counsellor she gets to be the last one up (or at least that's her interpretation of the title). She still looks amazing to me though. Somehow it seems very intimate to see someone like this, which is new for me but I love it anyways. I realize I probably look like a wreck too.
She plays with the peeling nail polish on her thumb before answering. “I want you to go to school with me in L.A.”
I wasn't expecting that at all. I hadn't really thought past this summer that much. I didn't know she wanted to go back to mortal school. “Actually,” a slightly guilty look crosses her face, “I kind of already registered both us.”
“Oh.”
“I know I should've definitely told you first! But I was on the phone and I dunno I just kind of blurted it out!”
“It's...yeah. I mean I just didn't know you wanted to go back to L.A is all.”
She runs a hand through her face. “Yeah. I figured I should probably spend some time with my Dad, y'know. Sit him down and explain everything.” She takes my hand. “But I really don't want to be away from you now.”
“Ok.” I just blurt it out.
“What? Really?”
“Yeah.” She smiles at me and I smile back until I realize something. “Wait! Does this mean I'll stay with you and your Dad? In the same house?!”
She laughs at me, the morning’s meeting completely forgotten.
********
Hazel convinced me to get to the clearing earlier. Thalia is already here. She greets us both with a smile. Hazel and I are armed with our swords but Thalia doesn’t have any weapons out. I know her bow and arrow will appear if she needs them and she has her Aegis bracelet on, but it doesn’t seem like we’ll be using any weapons today.
A few minutes later Jason walks in. He’s right on time, not a minute before and not a minute after, which I find annoying but I still wave back at him. He hugs Thalia and looks politely curious, but I can tell that some of our trepidation has made its way to him.
Percy is five minutes late. It doesn’t look like he overslept.
“Okay,” Thalia starts, throwing Percy the stink eye which he happily ignores, “I thought we’d do something fun.”
“Your version of fun usually isn’t that fun,” I point out. She waves me away but we all seem to agree.
“Normal training session, but no weapons allowed.”
“So a completely abnormal training session?” Percy mumbles.
She throws her bracelet to the ground along with about a dozen other weapons. I make a mental note to never sneak up on her. Once she’s done, she looks at the group expectantly. Jason throws his coin in, Hazel her spatha. I cave in and throw my own sword in. Only Percy is left.
“It reappears in my pocket”, he explains.
“What about the watch?” Thalia asks, pointing at the shield Tyson disguised as a watch. He rolls his eyes but throws it into the pile anyways. She makes him promise not to use the sword. “Alright then.” There’s a scary grin on her face as she rubs her hands together, sparks crackling off her knuckles. “Let’s go.”
Thalia decides to pair us off like a “normal training session” but takes a different approach to what I would've personally done. Where I would've grouped her, Jason, and Percy together and paired Hazel with me, she decides to pair Hazel with Percy and me with Jason. “I'll take it easy on you today and observe,” she tells us. Percy raises an eyebrow at me as if to say Not what I expected, how about you? I shrug back and face Jason. We're both pretty stumped as to what we're supposed to do. If anything this is making me realize how much I rely on a sword. Percy and Hazel seem to be playing a weird game of tag where Hazel lunges towards him and Percy side steps her.
Jason, ever the good student, takes a page out of Hazel’s book and lunges. I'm not fast enough and he manages to catch my wrist. I'm about to swing at him with my free hand when I remember that the whole point of this is to use our powers. What the hell? I stomp the ground and a large crevice appears at Jason’s feet, not much unlike the one I called up all those years ago to save Percy and Annabeth from that skeleton warrior. They little souvenir still adorns the dining pavilion to this day.
Jason is forced to step back but doesn't let go of me. He's about to pull me down with him when I feel the wind pick up, making him regain his balance. This is starting to look more like hand-to-hand combat than anything else and I'm pretty sure Jason can beat me at that no sweat, but we're both trying to do what Thalia wants to see. I can tell he, like me, is going through his list of tricks.
I slowly call for the dead to rise out of the crevice I created, reaching out with my mind. Jason concentrates on picking up the wind so we only grapple a little, our focus elsewhere. I can start to see a skeletal hand make its way out when suddenly Thalia tells us to stop. We all immediately do. I realize that the strong breeze was not only due to Jason, but Percy had managed to create a smaller, weaker version of the hurricane that usually engulfs him in a fight. He's also bleeding from a cut above his eye. Hazel looks guilty and keeps apologizing. My guess is she chucked some sort of precious metal nugget at his head. I almost laugh but then I see Thalia’s face.
“That was hard to watch.” It was also hard on us. We, except maybe Hazel, are breathing hard. Usually I'm pumped with adrenaline when I use my powers, and only as a last resort. Summoning them with no real incentive took some effort. “You were distracted and awkward. You know that you won't be able to take your time like that in a real battle, right?” Real battle?
“In a real battle we’d be armed and scared out of our minds,” argues Percy.
“We're not always armed.”
“But we always start with a weapon!”
“That's your problem! You rely too heavily on your weapons!”
I don't know if she's addressing all of us or just Percy. I missed their back and forths. Either way, they both have a point.
Jason steps in. “Whoa guys, settle down.” Percy shoots Thalia one last angry look and walks towards the lake to take care of his cut. “C’mon Thalia. It's only our first practice.”
I feel that uneasiness again. Thalia is taking this too seriously. Maybe I'm just not fully acquainted with Lieutenant Thalia but this doesn't seem like some light-hearted idea from Chiron. I think she's starting to understand that too. I wonder what instructions the old centaur gave her.
I turn to Hazel, her eyes are trained on Thalia’s face. She's been skeptical all the way, but she's choosing not to show it to see where this is going. Smart plan. “Yeah, Jason's right. I mean we're not used to it yet,” she says
Thalia glances at Percy. “Fine. Let's go again.”
She doesn't change the partners and it doesn't get easier. By the end we're all soaked in sweat and I'm ready to take a long nap. Of course none of us can do that since the day’s barely started at camp. I wish we had Roman baths here. All of us that have been to Camp Jupiter have been campaigning for them but Annabeth still has us at maybe.
Afterwards Hazel asks “Why did you think she paired us up like that?”
“I don't know.” She can collapse underground tunnels and Poseidon is the Earthshaker but Jason and I made no sense. Pairs didn't make sense, period.
“Maybe she thinks frustration triggers our powers.”
I consider it. “Well it definitely works for her.”
She shrugs and we drop the conversation, heading to our respective activities, both still clearly weary about the whole situation.
************
“-I don't know that's what Jason said,” finishes Piper. She's only half paying attention to her sculpture. I haven't even tried to examine my blueprints as she tells me about the training session this morning. I won't get to see Percy until tonight so she got to hear about it from Jason first.
“Thalia does seem very on edge lately. I think she's avoiding me actually.” I don't mean to sound hurt but Piper notices anyways. “I mean I get it, she has a lot on her plate and she has to spend all the time she can with Jason.”
“No she doesn't. Even Jason thinks something is up. Not just between Thalia and Percy.”
“It is pretty weird timing.” I've tried not to think about how the whole thing actually does bother me slightly. I want things to not be complicated for once in my life. “But I trust Thalia and Chiron. They're just not used it.” I try to change the conversation. “So what did Jason think? About the whole high school idea?” After being away from her dad for so long Piper decided to go back to mortal school. She wasn't big on the idea of not getting to see Jason as often, so she told me she was going to ask him to start school with her.
“He's really on board with it actually!” She's smiling again which is nice. I haven't seen many of those from her since Leo. “He's kind of nervous about spending time with my Dad, though.”
“Oh please! There isn't a parent out there that wouldn't love him!”
“Which is what I told him.” She tries to go back to her sculpture but it's stopped looking like anything a long time ago. “What about your Dad? Does he approve of you dating a delinquent?”
“Hey, all charges against my delinquent have been dropped!”
She chuckles and I go back to my blueprints. I actually haven't seen my Dad in a while. I sent him an iris message before heading to New Rome and a text after the fight with Gaea to let him know I was alive, but I keep putting off going to San Francisco. After hearing about Piper’s plans to go back to L.A I make a mental note to schedule a visit with my mortal family.
I finally catch up with Percy at the stables; a mare is pregnant and Will has Percy check in on her a couple of times a week. “How is she?”
“She's about ready to not be pregnant anymore.” The grey Pegasus neighs irritably and he chuckles. “More than ready actually.”
“How was everything today?” He's probably guessed that Piper told me everything. He knows what I'm asking about. He chews on his lip. I can tell he's debating whether or not to tell me what he actually thinks. “That bad, huh?”
“No, I mean… something just feels off y’know? Like she's not telling us something.” I don't know what face I make but he drops the brush he's holding and takes my hand and tries and easy smile. “We're probably reading too much into it. Old habits. For all we know she's anxious to get to whatever project Artemis assigned the Hunters this time.”
“Yeah.” Old habits. “You're probably right.”
He kisses me so I don't start thinking too much about it. I will eventually, but not now. His lips actually manage to tug a smile out of me. “There she is.”
Idiot.
**********
We haven't been able to beat the Hunters at capture the flag for years. I no longer wonder why. Lieutenant Thalia is like every drill Sergeant I've seen on TV except she can call down lightning. She insists on her ‘no weapons’ policy and I suspect it's so we don't try to attack her because we're all about ready to do so. Even Jason shot her a wolf stare after his tornado flickered and she struck the spot right next to him. Needless to say she makes it really hard to hold back.
I haven't been able to control my powers quite as well as I used to. Probably because, ever since Tartarus, they've been easier to call. I used to have to reach so hard until I felt an aching pull. It was last resort, always in the heat of battle. I can see the same strain in the others. However they've been using their powers, it hasn't been for the reasons I did down there.
It's intoxicating. I'm afraid they'll realize that, how freeing it is. How so utterly in control you feel.
Hazel is currently wrapping what used to be a block of gold around my ankles. She summoned it a couple days ago and has been practicing at molting it. By now it's basically like play doh under her control, but it still takes a lot out of her. I can feel the beads of sweat running down her forehead just as easily as the icy mist of the hurricane I'm currently maintaining around me. I can sense the water in her tears as lose droplets sting her eyes. I could reach out and grasp the water in the plasma of her blood if I wanted to.
I have to concentrate on this hurricane or I'm going to lose the delicate hold I have on my restraint. I make it bigger and urge it to move towards her. I try to envelope her in it so that she completely loses focus and I can move my legs again. The force of it knocks me back, but my feet are still secured by the gold so I end up doing a very Matrix-like backbend and then springing upright again. The move is so ridiculous it makes Hazel crack up and her focus finally shatters. The gold melts away so I'm left standing in a very expensive puddle.
“Okay I guess that's enough for today.” Thalia calls out. She tries to sound irritated but I can tell she's also amused. “I want you guys to bring armor tomorrow to see what Hazel can do with that.”
“I can only control precious metals,” she reminds Thalia, “and I've only seen Celestial Bronze used in weapons here.”
“There's some in the armory and Cabin 9 always has some around.” I add, but it's true. We rarely use it for armor, opting to save it for weapons instead.
“I've just been thinking,” continues Thalia, “what exactly is considered precious? You've been able to summon different types of granite and stone right?”
“Yeah.”
“Like the schist.” Nico and Jason shoot me a look. “It's a rock!”
Thalia ignores me. “There's value to any metal, especially the one we use to protect ourselves from monsters. Gold and silver are only considered riches because we give them that value.”
“So you're saying that any metal is precious?” Asks Nico. “That Hazel could possibly control any and all metals?”
“Pluto is supposed to control all the riches under the earth, right?” Jason adds. “Makes sense.”
We all let that sink in. Hazel is already insanely powerful, the fact that she could have Magneto-esque powers is pretty alarming. She tries to act normal even though I can tell the idea also makes her nervous. She gives us her cheeriest ‘see ya later!’ when Thalia finally dismisses us, but it comes out pretty shrill, and runs off with Nico close at her heels.
“And don't think I didn't see you today, Kelp Head.” For a second I think she's talking about my little stunt with the hurricane but then she nods to where I was just standing. Huge cracks cut the ground exactly where my feet were a few seconds ago. “Earthshaker indeed.”
Later that day I'm walking back from a sword fighting class with Jason. He's been helping me out since it keeps him busy while he's at camp. We're just passing the Big House to head to the Amphitheater when we run into Annabeth storming out. She spots us and I'm about to ask what's wrong when Clarisse bursts out behind her and heads for the cabins. “What was it this time?” I ask after Annabeth greets me with a kiss.
“She insists that we start work with her cabin first! Which is ridiculous since we all agreed to finish the expansions to the Dining Pavilion and we still need to finish some of the newer cabins!”
Jason is vaguely alarmed by Annabeth which goes to show he's used to this kind of thing and actually knows her. Most run the other way at the sight of a pissed off Annabeth. I can't blame them, but after five years I only notice how her exasperation brings color to her cheeks, making her even hotter than usual. “She's starting to panic.” I tell her. She knows; it doesn't make dealing with her any easier, though.
“Clarisse doesn't seem like someone who panics over remodelations,” says Jason.
“She’s not. She's starting college in September.”
“She’ll be the first along with Travis in a while to do so,” Annabeth explains, “and it's especially hard to leave now y’know.”
Jason nods. I can tell he's still not used to the normal Greek life-span which is basically short and painful. “How long is a while?”
Annabeth goes silent beside me.
I know we’re both thinking of Beckendorf, who of course was all set for college until I left him to be blown up in the Andromeda. I take her hand and start walking. “C’mon, we're going to be late.” Jason gets the hint and doesn't press it.
It's bizarre to think that it's only actually been a little over a year. We celebrated the one year anniversary of the Battle of Manhattan a week ago. It was especially gruesome to hear Jake Mason talk about their fallen brother when they'd just lost Leo too. As I looked around, I realized that almost all the head counselors were different than last year. Most, like Will and Jake, had stepped up after their siblings had died fighting. Will was made head counselor mid-battle, after Michael disappeared in the bridge I collapsed. That would make it the second time the mantle had been passed on that way for Cabin 7, since Michael only became head counselor after Lee Fletcher died a year earlier in the Battle of the Labyrinth.
Clarisse nearly broke down when it was her turn to talk about Silena.
“You'd think they'd gotten used to it by now.” Neither me or Annabeth were paying much attention so Jason nods towards several groups of people who seem to be staring at us as we walk. “You guys have been dating long enough for it to be old news, right?”
Well considering I was only here for two months after we got together and then disappeared for the other ten… “Who says they're looking at us?”
Annabeth laughs. “Yeah. They better hope Piper doesn't catch them ogling her man.”
Jason blushes but chuckles along when I punch his arm. I wrap my arm around Annabeth so I can press a kiss to her temple. I’m here now.
**********
I'm exhausted. The point of controlling metal with your mind is supposed to be that it's easier than actually picking it up and hurling it yourself, right?
WRONG!
After two hours every single one of my muscles are screaming for me to stop. Thalia was right. It didn't matter that they boys’ armor wasn't Celestial Bronze or Imperial Gold; I could control it. It's much harder though. Even though I haven't stood up from this boulder in over an hour I feel like I've run a marathon.
Thalia's instructions were simple: get the boys to stop fighting by pulling them away from each other. Simple. Simple? Even though it's obvious they are going pretty easy on each other, it still feels like I’m physically pulling them away by the collar. And my tugging doesn't seem to be bothering them nearly as much as I hope. I'm concentrating on keeping Percy in place by willing his breastplate to keep still, but it only slows him down. I try the same with Jason and eventually Nico to no avail.
I'm so tired and so frustrated that with one final tug I bring my hands together, clapping so hard my palms sting. The second my hands come together the three boys fly towards each other -guided by their breastplates- and smack so hard against one another that I'm sure they hear the clang all the way to Half-Blood Hill.
“Yes! That's what I'm talking about Hazel! Well done!” No one really shares Thalia’s enthusiasm but Nico manages to shoot me a pained smile that ends up looking quite gruesome since his mouth is bloody from head butting the other two boys at maximum speed.
Strangely, I'm not feeling the effects of that last pull. I actually feel better. The knots that have been forming in my shoulders for the last two hours actually feel looser and my potential headache is gone.
I shrug it off. I've done way more damage than manipulating some rusty breastplates. I guess I just needed to get used to the metal.
I'm walking towards Jason and Percy who are still groaning on the floor when a rustling from the trees stops me. I'm not the only one that hears it because in a flash Percy springs off the ground and uncaps Riptide, the rest stand tense. We hear it again and this time I notice something (someone?) behind the trees. Percy immediately dives towards the thicker forest ignoring whatever it is Thalia tells him. A few seconds later we hear a loud bleat and an ominous oompf!
We all scramble to see what's happening. At first my brain is confused by what it's seeing. Whatever was rustling behind the trees Percy seems to have tackled it to the ground. Furry hindquarters stick up, goat legs ending in shiny hooves. For some reason an ill-fitting shoe dangles from one. Then I remember that Greek fauns, satyrs, are much different from the ones in New Rome. That's what it, he, appears to be. This one in particular accepts the hand that Percy offers to lift him off the ground with great gusto and proceeds to hug him like one would a brother. Behind me Thalia exclaims “Grover!” and rushes to join the embrace. A memory of the strange hours after the battle with Gaea surfaces; he fought alongside the Greeks, alongside Percy and Annabeth. I'm sure they introduced us but I don't remember much of the moments after the fighting stopped. Just Leo flying atop Festus. Leo exploding above me, all of us knowing we'd never reach him in time…
“Why didn't you tell us you were coming, G-man!” I'm brought back to the present by Thalia and Percy’s excited chatter. Jason and I stand awkwardly while the little reunion takes place. Nico leans casually against a tree but I detect a ghost of a smile. Finally Percy realizes we're still here. “Oh hey sorry. You remember Hazel, right? And-”
“Jason,” the satyr finishes, “of course, of course.”
He shakes Jason's hand and then takes mine. I wish I'd paid more attention the first time we got introduced because I immediately like him. He seems a bit shy, fiddling with his hands and playing with the reed pipes hanging from his neck, but he stands straight and smiles broadly. I wonder out loud why he and Jason never properly met all those months he was at camp.
“Oh I don't get to spend too much time at camp anymore I'm afraid.” He answers. “Lord of the Wild business never ends.” Lord of the Wild? I make a mental note to underestimate him. “Which is why my girlfriend is always mad at me which is why I should go meet her right about now.” Percy is visibly disappointed and looks like he's about to argue but Grover stops him. “Don't worry man I'll be here all week.”
Both boys clap each other on the back one again. I hear Grover whisper something to Percy making a fleeting dark look pass in his eyes, but the next second it's gone and they're all smiles again. Thalia hugs him again too. “I'll be at Camp for a little while too -long story- so we have to do something.”
The satyr agrees and tells both Jason and I it was nice to see us again. “You too, Nico!” This time my brother actually smiles and gives him a wave before Grover disappears into the forest.
Thalia finally let's us go after that. As we walk out of the forest Percy's in a better mood than I've seen him in weeks. “You're really close with him, aren't you?”
He smiles sheepishly. “I mean, yeah. He's my best friend. He brought me to camp, went with me and Annabeth on our first quest and a bunch of others after that.”
“He also brought Thalia and Annabeth in, right?” Asks Jason.
“Yeah, along with Luke. He seems to have pretty good instincts when it comes to Big Three kids. He found Nico too.”
“No wonder he's Lord of the Wild.”
Percy smiles proudly as we compliment his friend. I try to focus on his good mood but can't help but revert back to wondering what Grover told him that made his smile vanish for a brief second.
*******
Ever since my birthday, I haven't been big on picnics. But since a picnic on the beach for Grover -it was Annabeth’s idea- is the only day Thalia’s letting us have off from practice, I'm not complaining. Especially after yesterday's session.
My sister finally decided to zero in on me. She'd tortured Hazel and now it was my turn. I knew it was going to be bad when I arrived at Zeus’ Fist five minutes early and she was already there looking all excited. You can tell she's excited because little sparks of electricity bounce off her spiky hair.
“I've been wanting to teach you this trick for a while now,” she told me as I made my way towards where she was standing. She pulled out a hunting knife and told me to get closer. Then, she knitted her eyebrows in concentration. A few moments later I gaped as the long blade started to be encapsulated by tiny rivets of electricity. It was like watching those videos of spiders building their webs but a hundred times faster and with bluish, purple static. I watched as her grasp on the handle tightened making the tendrils thicken. She'd wrapped her blade in lightning.
Just then everyone else decided to arrive. Nico and Hazel were transfixed by the blade but Percy kept looking at Thalia. I guess she did look pretty crazy, grinning like a maniac and holding her mutated knife. Finally he said: “Is that supposed to be a cheap replica of the Master Bolt?”
“Ha ha, Jackson.” She rolled her eyes at Percy and with a flick of her wrist made the knife go back to normal. “It's what we’ll be working on today.” Percy arched an eyebrow and Nico did his best to look bored (which, given that that's his default expression, wasn't hard). Their mood significantly rose when she announced we could use our own weapons. “Don't get all excited, I just think Jason needs a little incentive to pull this trick out of him.”
I was grateful for the vote of confidence. I could tell that Thalia was less than impressed by my lightning-calling skills. In battle, Thalia called down thunder every few seconds and still managed to have enough strength to fight like a beast. For me it's always been last resort because it takes a lot out of me. She thinks it's lack of practice. I'm not sure I agree.
She made the others stand in a circle and joined them as well. I was to try to electrify my sword while they took turns lunging at me. Where does she come up with these drills? Which seemed unfair to me because 1) it would be impossible to properly concentrate, and 2) she hadn't really explained how to do it in the first place.
Hazel went first. Her cavalry sword gave her a wide berth and she almost got me but I side-stepped right into Nico’s attack. This time I used my sword to deflect the blow. All the while I thought about calling down lightning. By the time I got to Percy the hairs in my arms when standing upright because of the static, the sky rumbled above me. “Concentrate on the blade! Redirect the lightning!” Thalia shouted at me as I met her spear.
It was a blur for a while. I was stuck in between concentrating on sparring the attacks and willing the static to engulf my sword. At one point I saw a spark fly but it might've been from the force of meeting Nico’s sword. Thalia kept shouting out advice. It was pretty unhelpful but then I caught a piece that maybe had a point. “Use your own body to conduct it onto your sword! It has to pass through you!”
It was a scary thought, willing yourself to be struck by lightning, but I knew from experience that it wouldn't kill me and I'd done crazier (dumber) things.
I finally called down the strike I'd been feeling creep on and redirected it towards me.
The hard part was concentrating it in the sword. I'm pretty sure that if it hadn't been Imperial Gold it would've been shredded to pieces. And while Thalia laughed delighted, the rest backed away. Smart since I doubt they can sustain electricity the way Thalia and I can.
My sister electrified her own spear - easy, barely broke a sweat- and struck once again. What she didn't know was that it was taking all of my strength just to keep up the little “trick”. The same fatigue I get from calling down lightning the normal way attacked me but twice as hard. There was a tugging in my gut that was was getting so painful I almost doubled over. Her first blow brought me to my knees.
“I think that's enough, Thalia.” She completely ignored Percy, who seemed to have noticed I couldn't go on for much longer. I drew on a last reserve of strength, determined to keep going, and the tug lurched violently. “Thalia stop!”
Then I blacked out. Again.
I woke up in the infirmary to a Percy and Nico that could barely hold in their laughter because at this point me passing out is a cosmic joke designed to make me look like an idiot. Hazel at least bothered to look concerned. But no Thalia.
“She's off somewhere sulking and beating herself up about it. Don't worry.” Percy's words didn't make me stop worrying at all. Nor did the worried glances Nico seemed to steal when Percy wasn't looking. I'll have to ask him what exactly happened after I passed out later.
I know I should've gone looking for Thalia then, I don't really enjoy making my sister feel guilty, she already did that long enough during all those years she thought I was dead, but I didn't.
She's been avoiding me ever since. I was hoping to get a chance to talk to her today since I knew she couldn't skip a picnic thrown by Annabeth for Grover, but so far she's been stalling by refereeing arm wrestling matches between her Hunters and the Ares Cabin.
“What I'd really pay to see is for her to go against Clarisse,” says Piper beside me.
“I thought you liked Clarisse.”
She chuckles. “Are you going to talk to her, or are both of you still avoiding each other?”
“She's avoiding me!”
Piper gives me a stare that says really? because maybe she's a little right. Thalia might be avoiding me but I haven't really tried to talk either. If I'm being honest I'm still pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. Plus, I was hoping these training sessions would be a way for us to bond more. I could tell she was excited to get to train with someone and not be worried about electrocuting them, to talk shop about the joys of having Jupiter/Zeus as a father and all the fun side-effects it comes with. I didn't want her to think I couldn't take it.
“You guys need to start getting used to talking to each other. Trust me, it's weird at first but then it's so easy.”
“It's different for me and Thalia, Pipes. You know that.”
She rolls her beautiful eyes which today decided to look a dark, hazely green. “How is it different? I met a whole cabin of siblings I didn't even know existed when I was sixteen and believe me it was pretty weird at first, especially with Drew. But, at the end of the day, they're family, y’know? They get it.” She takes my hand. “Just talk to her.”
I sigh but stand up from the blanket we spears out in the sand. Piper shoots me one last smile as I make my way towards my sister. It seems the arm wrestling has turned into just wrestling so she doesn't hear me coming. “C’mon, Sherman! You can take her!” I hear Clarisse roar somewhere behind the wall of Ares kids that have formed around two grappling figures on the floor. Thalia is a few feet away laughing along with a blonde huntress in silver cargo pants to match her own. They don't seem too worried about losing.
She turns around when she hears me come up behind her. “Oh hey, Jason!” Both their smiles melt away. Usually the hunters act fairly nicely around me but Thalia’s blonde friend doesn't seem too happy about having to stay at camp and, from the looks of it, she blames me. “Helen can you gives us a moment?” Helen gives me one more intimidating look and then walks away to join the angry mob around the wrestling match.
“Hey, I just wanted to-”
“Wait. Jason, before you say anything I just wanted to say, I'm sorry.” The apology seems to taste bitter in her mouth. I know she doesn't do this often. “I shouldn't have pushed you so hard.”
I don't want her to think she can't. I don't want her to go easy on me. “No, you're right. I need more practice and that trick could come in handy. And if you can do it, I should be able to too.”
Her face seems to soften. “Just because I can do it doesn't mean you'll be able to too. I don't think that's how it works.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, look at Nico and Hazel. Same parent but they both represent different aspects of their Dad. Greek and Roman.”
I think she's just trying to make me feel better. “Jupiter isn't that different from Zeus.” She raises her eyebrow at me as if saying wanna bet? “Plus, we don't have just one parent in common.”
I feel like a kid throwing a tantrum, but I don't care. So what if I want to be more like my big sister. Sue me.
“Hey, c’mon J look at me,” I peel my eyes away from the floor and look at hers. At least we have that in common. “When have you seen me fly? Or control the winds like you do?”
“I-”okay she's got a point there- “you probably could if you tried.”
“Oh I’ve tried!” She looks a little pale for some reason, making her freckles stand out. “Heights are just not my thing.”
Wait. “You're afraid of heights?”
“Yes, okay!” Her tone tells me to drop it, but a little warmth spreads across my chest nonetheless. I can tell it's something that really embarrasses her, but she chose to tell me anyways to make me feel better. She rolls her eyes at my smile. “Shut up.”
I follow her to where everyone else is sitting. When Annabeth sees us she slightly nods her head towards where Nico is sitting a slight blush on his place cheeks. She's keeping her boyfriend’s mouth shut by stuffing it with food.
A thought crosses my mind as I watch Percy try to avoid Annabeth's hand. Thalia and I, we divide our father’s power between each other. Nico and Hazel do the same. But not Percy. The full power of Poseidon, Percy represents it all by himself.
*******
“Gods Nico just talk to him.”
My cheeks go bright red as Hazel catches me staring at Will. He's just sprawled there basking in the sunlight, what am I supposed to do?! At least she's embarrassed as well, fanning her face in that old-fashioned way.
I'm actually quite surprised about how she's dealing with the whole situation. She lived most of her life in the 1930s-1940s, so I would've understood some trepidation, but she only gave me a wide smile and thanked me for trusting her. When she caught on about Will she was delighted. She loves the idea of me and a doctor or something. Or maybe it's the fact that literally no one hates Will. It's kind of creepy.
“I do talk to him.”
“You told him his fly was down two weeks ago. That doesn't count.”
As always, Percy has perfect timing. “What are we talking about? Why does Nico look like a tomato?”
“Nothing!” I make the mistake of glancing at Will when I notice him standing up and suddenly Percy's face breaks into a grin worthy of any Hermes kid. “Shut up!”
“Oh. My. Gods.”
“Percy I mean it!”
Annabeth doesn't look any more innocent than her boyfriend. “I might've heard a rumor or two about him”- she nodded her head towards Will- “having a crush on you.”
Hazel actually squeals.
“We are not talking about this.”
“Fine,” says Percy, laying down on Annabeth's lap, “I guess we’ll just have to wait for him to make the first move.”
“I hate you all.”
Grover, followed by Piper, takes the final spot on our picnic blanket and Hazel and Annabeth are kind enough to keep quiet. Annabeth stuffs her boyfriend’s mouth with grapes before he can say anything but she stills shares a look with Piper.
Piper’s probably known since she has the whole Aphrodite cabin at her disposal and Percy will eventually tell Grover. By some idiot move I told Jason myself.
Great, now everyone knows.
I would complain but it's such a normal, embarrassing problem to have that I end up having to suppress a smile. Normal. The concept seems so foreign to me, but here we are having a stupid picnic by the beach and hearing Grover play terrible versions of Hilary Duff classics on his reed pipes. It might not be a mortal’s version of normalcy, but it's as close as a demigod gets.
“Where’s Jason?” I ask Piper.
“Talking to Thalia. I finally convinced them to stop acting like children and actually communicate.”
“Ah yes,” exclaims Percy, “communication. One of Thalia’s fortes.” Annabeth slaps his arm. “Ow! What? She's great at death threats.”
“You'd know.”
Normal. Annabeth and Percy playfully arguing. Normal. Hazel gushing about Frank and what a good praetor he is. Normal. Jason and Thalia finally walking towards us, Jason looking awkward until she puts him in a headlock and musses his hair making him laugh. Normal.
Yet.
Piper keeps looking to her right, but Leo’s gone. I searched for his spirit, but I never felt him die. I didn't tell them this though; there are worse things than death. Loss is torture enough, I couldn't bear to add false hope to the list.
Thalia laughs along, but she's worried. Guilt plagues her nervous hands as they dig into the sand. I remember the panic in Percy's voice as he told her to stop, how he snapped at her for being blinded by her own power. I remember her silence as they both dragged Jason to the infirmary.
Grover shoots Percy and Annabeth concerned looks when he's sure they won't notice, because even though they've gained the weight they lost and no longer look like ghosts, they're exhausted. Everyone at camp has heard them scream themselves awake.
Then there's the issue of these training sessions. Training for what? What else could they possibly throw our way?
“Hey.” Everyone noticeably goes quiet as Will sits besides me. There's barely enough space so our knees are touching. I get the very distinct urge to run.
“Hi!” Hazel’s smile practically touches her ears.
I try to focus on a) not running away and b) not looking at him. I see him reach for the grapes in my peripheral and quickly focus on my hands. Suddenly I'm very aware just how crowded it is. I try to lean back as far as I can and catch a breeze to myself. Everyone else’s chatter fades to the background.
Will leans back too, this time I allow myself to look at him. I guess I've been avoiding him. The second Thalia arrived it was like a bubble burst. “What's up?” He asks. He seems concerned; this close I can admire how his long eyelashes frame his eyes gold in the sun.
I want to tell him about everything, but I don't want to corrupt him. He's light. And maybe I don't have to talk about, maybe I can just forget and pretend nothing strange is going on. “Nothing,” I answer, “I've just been a bit busy-” I nod towards Thalia- “ that's all.”
I don't think he buys it but he smiles at me anyways. “Okay.” He takes my hand and I don't even care that everyone notices, or that he doesn't let go.
*****
“Dionysus.” Chiron hadn't seen or heard from the god of wine in days. “Come to finally celebrate our victory?”
“Victory?” He huffs and tries to brush some of the lint from his grey and purple striped suit. “Maybe here. Olympus is tearing itself apart trying to allocate blame! Zeus isn't happy! Not happy at all!”
Chiron paused to take in the day. Beautiful. He could hear the laughter coming from the beach where his heroes now celebrated their friends, themselves, being alive. He hoped for his father’s power, to freeze them in this moment and spare them from the darkness that was to come. “Who will it be this time?”
“It seems they have narrowed down on Apollo.” Dionysius scoffed, as always irritated by his half-brother. “No wonder. Had we had the power of prophecy…” The god left the thought there. “What about you? How has your little task played out so far?”
Chiron clenched the railing of the Big House. To have to prep the children to be presented… as if there were lifeless weapons instead of feeling, thinking beings. To have to betray them for the sake of the gods… “When have they ever let down Olympus?”
“Good! At least I'll have some good news to bring to Zeus!” With a puff that left the scent of tangy grapes in the air, the god disappeared.
Chiron had actually thought he'd trained his last tragedy. Finally, heroes that would get to enjoy the riches of the world they'd help save.
Oh, how cruel the Fates were.
********
Thalia’s officially lost it. She's decided to zero in on me today. She has to repeat herself because my brain doesn't really process when she says it the first time.
“I-” she points at herself and jabs a finger at my chest as she continues- “want you to bring this-” she motions to the dead squirrel at her feet- “back to life.”
I understand that I've done things similar to this in the past. It wasn't until recently that I was able to deal with non-humans, though. At first I looked confused, did she want me to control its corpse or something? Get more practice with animals? (It sounds gruesome but it's quite doable for me) But she shook her hair as she saw the thought form. Alive. She wanted it to breathe again.
“You're insane.” Not even Jason pipes up to defend his sister. Percy and Hazel look at her as if she's grow a third eye. “That's impossible, way out of my reach.”
“I know you can do it.”
“I could get in trouble for even attempting to do it.” My warning comes out as a low hiss.
“Just try it, Nico.” She's been holding my gaze the whole time but suddenly a nerve jumps in her forehead. She doesn't actually want me to do this. This is Chiron speaking through her.
“No.” I feel everyone stiffen around me. We've all been pretty hesitant about this whole ordeal, but up until now no one’s downright refused to do it. I'm now certain these training sessions won't benefit us at all, though, and I refuse to cross that line. Tartarus itself didn't make me.
I must admit I tried it once, after Bianca died. People’s souls or spirits (whatever you want to call them), I’ve always been able to sense them. It's how I can summon ghost for brief periods of time, call on the skeletons of the Underworld to my service. If I reach hard enough with my mind, I can barely stroke their essence. I briefly give them some of my strength so they can materialize if they are ghost or move if they're a body. I figured that if I focused hard enough I could fully grasp an essence that had seized to exist in the mortal world, and give it enough of my strength to come back.
And so that's what I did. I guess Bianca knew me too well, because she hid away from me. Not many could, but she was a daughter of Hades even in death. I tried it on the first ghost that appeared to me instead.
I knew I'd made a mistake as soon as I closed a hand around Minos’s essence. I immediately felt my own seep out of me, but it wasn't restoring what had been lost during his death. I was just making a dead person have a physical form again. Alive but not living. It made me want to explode with how wrong it felt.
I thought I'd do anything to bring my sister back, and since then I've caved in and allowed myself to crack. But not that. Not ever.
“I won't do it, Thalia.”
She flashes her eyes at me but I see past it. Underneath it all, I see relief.
******
Chiron hears Thalia Grace stomp her way into his office before he actually sees her. He knows exactly what he'd see if he turned around. He hadn't fully processed himself what he'd last asked her to do.
She'd looked at him incredulous. After the incident with Jason she'd warned him not to push too far; it was clear to him that she was now fully distrusting of what he'd told her were his intentions initially, and was only sticking around to figure out what this was actually about. Her warnings, of course, were nothing new to the old centaur. He'd said the same thing to Dionysus when he was first ordered him to do this.
“He didn't do it.” She tells him.
Chiron’s aware that the gods expect him to convince her to go back out there and not come back until the boy has at least attempted to do what they want to see, but he just nods. Good, he thinks. Nico has enough to deal with already.
“I'm done. I'm taking my hunters and leaving right now.”
A vice-like grip seems to take hold of Chiron, reminding him that the gods have other, less friendly, methods to obtain the information they seek. “Thalia.”
“I mean it. If you don't want to tell me what's really going on here, fine! But I won't be a part of this!”
“Thalia. Don't you trust me?” He tightens his fists at his sides. If there was any other way… “Because Annabeth, does. Luke did.” At the mention of his name her anger seems to slightly melt away. “I know what I'm doing.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.” He finally turns to look at her. He makes sure she listens to him, really listens. “I know exactly what I'm doing, Thalia. I know I'm asking a lot from you, from the others, but we’re almost done.” Then I'll give them the truth, Chiron thinks. He knows Zeus is listening.
She sighs. “Percy. He's next, isn't he?”
Something happened after Jason collapsed, but Thalia wouldn't tell him. He knew Thalia wasn't easily shaken, but somehow this had. Chiron suspected it had something to do with the special interest the gods had taken on Percy. With the rest of the children they seemed to be speculating, but with him they were sure.
“Yes.”
*********
“C’mon Jackson! I've seen you do it!”
“You've seen me make a few cracks on the floor!”
Thalia rolls her eyes at me. I should've known she'd come after me next with the way I snapped at her after the whole Jason incident and how badly her attempt with Nico went. “I'm not asking you to do anything you haven't done before. I took the necessary precautions and everything!”
“A change of venue hardly counts as necessary precautions!” I should've known something was up when Thalia suggested we go on a hike. This is the farthest into the woods I've ever walked -it took us hours- and I've been getting lost in here since I was twelve. We must be close to the Western Hills of the Camp. “Last time I almost tore a volcano apart and it almost killed me!”
“Details!”
“They had a funeral and everything!”
She makes a frustrated sound in the back of her throat. I'm uncomfortably aware of the others watching us, their eyes following us the way one would follow a very important ping pong match. Why does she care so much about this anyways?
“How would this help me have more control over my powers?” I ask, my voice lower. “What I did back then is the definition of losing control.” And you don't want to see me lose control now. She catches the look in my eyes and seems to read my mind. I can't believe she’d push me after the incident with Jason.
I hadn't allowed myself to touch that part of my powers since Tartarus. Most of my nightmares consist of re-living that moment. The moment I felt something inside me shatter irreparably. The moment I turned into everything I've been fighting for five years.
I don't even remember calling on my powers. I just saw the strain in Jason’s face, Thalia looked mad. I felt anger hitting me in waves and suddenly I was telling Thalia to stop. But I did more than that. Her eyes widened, but she wasn't looking at Jason, who had just collapsed. She was staring at me in horror because she couldn't move. I was holding her in place, willing all the water in her body to stay static. It was only for a second, the others didn't notice, but she’d felt herself lose control of her own body and probably felt my tightened fists even though they hung at my sides.
Much like they do now.
“You're suppressing them, building pressure,” she argues, answering my questions.
“Who made you the expert?”
“Chiron, dumbass, remember?”
We don't stare away from each other as Hazel steps in between us and starts telling us to calm down. Neither Jason nor Nico were bold enough to intervene, but Hazel only sounds slightly irritated.
Thalia just won't shut up though.
“I can't believe we're having the same argument as always! You just can't stand anyone but yourself being in charge!” She spits in my face. Hazel places a hand on my chest. I've gotten so close to Thalia that we're practically squishing her in between our taller frames. “You're not the hero, remember?!”
I'm only half aware of pushing Hazel aside and Nico’s cry of protest.
The hero’s soul, cursed blade shall reap
“Don't you dare throw those lines at me!”
“OR WHAT?!”
I don't get a chance to retaliate because just then Nico raises a solid, black wall of obsidian between us. “THAT’S ENOUGH!”
My adrenaline drains in a second. I turn in time to watch Jason help Hazel up. I pushed her aside. An apology dies on my lips when I catch Nico’s eyes. Dark, angry eyes.
What am I doing?
‘I won't tell on you, but you have to promise to keep my sister safe.’
‘Promise.’
‘Tell him...tell him I'm sorry.’ She ran off before I could stop her.
What am I doing?
It's like nothing's changed. I'm arguing with Thalia. I'm letting down Nico.
But what's my excuse now?
The wall of obsidian slowly melts back into the ground. Thalia and I stare at each other in shock. I know what she's thinking by the look of guilt that frames her eyes. We could've hurt someone. I was about to hurt her. I was so close to losing control; my temper rose in an instant. I look down at my feet and sure enough there are cracks there. Nico stopped us just in time...stopped me.
I turn to Hazel. There's an angry red scrape on her elbow. I want to melt right into the ground along with the obsidian. I want to melt all the way to Hell where I belong. “I'm...so sorry,” I choke out. I said the same thing to Bianca Di Angelo’s ghost.
*******
I'm worried about Percy. I'm worried about Annabeth. I'm worried about the real reasons behind this damn training sessions. I'm worried and I can't think. I can't think because I can't sleep. The calm from the picnic didn't last a goddamn second.
Thalia probably didn't know it, but she was pushing too hard, harder than she'd done with Jason. It isn't like before, when we were younger. Even back then our powers scared me. Watching Thalia and Percy fight by Zeus’s Fist all those years ago had been the most awesome display of power I'd ever seen. They were more intimidating than I'd ever imagined any of my Mythomagic figurines would be in real life. Now, I know that was only a fraction of what we can do.
I would've done anything to have powers like them when I was ten. I didn't understand what it meant, the pain you'd have to undergo to tap into that part of yourself. I didn't understand that something inside you had to break to reach them.
When Annabeth and Percy fell I hoped they'd come out untouched by that vile hellhole. They've always been stronger than me. No matter what happened, Percy had never lost hope. He was good. I hated him for it. I could look into his eyes and know they would never look as angry and as bitter as mine did, and I envied that. But it also made me want to be just as brave, made me trust him despite everything. I realize now it was unfair to put him on such a pedestal.
It makes me angrier than anything that I lived through down there. I never minded them taking hope from me, I didn't have much to begin with, but Percy...Annabeth...they are true heroes. They've earned hope.
After I broke up their fight, I was the one that suggested Thalia go talk with Annabeth. She looked like she needed it. No one really knew what to do. We’d been pretending everything was fine and in a second we dropped the front and it was impossible to get it back. For some reason I felt calmer than the rest. Pretending has always made me edgier.
“You need to find out why they’re training us,” I told Thalia. We weren't skirting past the obvious any longer. “I’m sure Annabeth will figure something out.”
She gave Percy a side glance as she dove back into the forest. He flashed one right back, Later. Whatever discussion they should have it wasn't going to be in front of us.
Jason followed his sister and Hazel looked down at her scraped elbow. My anger at seeing Percy push her aside had been painfully poignant, like a stab in the heart, but it was momentary. Percy tried to step towards her and apologize once again but she put her hand up. “Don't, Percy. It's fine.” It wasn't, you could hear it all over her tone. She simply meant she'd get over it, but right now she wanted to leave. So she did, and suddenly it was just me and Percy.
Only then did I notice that we were almost the same height now, that seventeen wasn't too far from fourteen. We'd never been too far apart. But he, unlike me, had shouldered two Great Prophecies.
He seemed to notice it too. “When did you grow up?” I don't know if he was asking me or himself.
It was very subtle: his shoulders drooped down so that he was properly hunching, he slid his hands through his face with a deep sigh. Suddenly, he wasn't The Percy Jackson. He was just Percy.
Bianca used to wake up hours before I did on Christmas Day and place presents under our tree. I caught her doing it at the hotel once. I didn't make a sound; for the first time she didn't look like my older sister, but like the eleven or twelve-year-old she was. She looked like she was playing at being an adult, and for once I noticed how childish it all seemed. I remember feeling sad and guilty because no one did it for her. The next morning I was set on telling her I knew, but she seemed so excited for me to open my presents that I never did.
Percy looked like she did placing those presents.
“Since when do you take care of me?”
I felt guilty all over again. “I'm sorry.”
“Nico, you don't-”
I'd forgotten about the argument. I could only hear the echo of Thalia and Percy's voices getting louder and matching the ones inside my head. And watching Percy come undone in front of me then, the words just tumbled out of my mouth. “It was stupid of me to go looking for the doors! If I'd just thought it through or told someone…”
“Nico…” He looked a hundred years old. Exhausted, concerned. “Nico it wasn't your fault...any of it...you being there…it shouldn't have happened.”
I felt very small then. I like to remind people how old I truly am all the time. Truth is: I've never stopped feeling ten and petrified.
“You were there alone.”
I was and, even though I knew they were probably looking for me, they didn't find me. What's more darkness to someone who is already made out of shadows? “I'm always alone, Percy. That wasn't going to change in Tartarus.”
“I'm the one that's sorry. You didn't deserve that. I did.” I wanted to tell him it wasn't true but he didn't let me. “When I got there they were all waiting for me. I killed them all without thinking twice about it.”
“You had to, Percy! We all do-”
“I know it's what I am. But not you. Not Annabeth. You're different.”
“No we're not! What are you talking about?!”
He chuckled and it was so cold. “It's all I've ever been good at. They know it.” He pointed a trembling finger at the sky. “They know what I did down there. They crave that power...I crave that power.”
I looked at the cracks he'd made on the ground to avoid his eyes and allowed myself to wonder how far he'd gone if I didn't step in between him and Thalia. He'd been down there longer. I know that if I had, I would've crossed that line, the line I've been avoiding since Bianca died. What choice did he have down there but to let himself break.
What does that make him now?
“No.” He was right. I didn't deserve Tartarus. Neither did Annabeth. Neither did he. “You're scared of what you can do; you're aware of the hurt it can cause,” I told him. he wasn't consumed by it. He rejected it. “You're still the hero I met when I was ten. That's why I'll always fight beside you, Percy. It was never about the gods.”
Thunder rumbled above us, but he didn't jump.
***********
At first I think it's Percy who's entered my cabin, then I distinguish the lighter tread and decide it's Thalia. We haven't properly talked since she came to camp, not like I've wanted to anyways. She's been putting that off.
“Hey,” she peers over my shoulder to look at the plans I'm currently working on, “what you've got there?”
“Just some sketches for the cabin expansions.”
She doesn't seem that interested. “Nico wants us to talk,” she tells me. Thalia's always been terrible at small talk.
“What about?”
“What are we training for Annabeth?” I put my pencil down and turn to face her. Her eyes are nervously scanning my face for answers. “Chiron made up some bullshit about wanting us to learn to manage our powers better but it's the opposite of it! It's like he wants to see-”
“-exactly how powerful you really are?”
“Yeah.”
I knew better than to believe what Percy told me. He didn't buy it either. None of us did. I also know that if Chiron approved he would've told a better lie. “I don't think this was Chiron's idea.”
“I know. Artemis seemed too relaxed about it.”
“Have you talked to her recently?
“She never stopped communicating with us but not face to face, no.”
“I saw Dionysus a few days ago talking to Chiron...Chiron didn't look very happy.” I add.
“That'd be the first god to show up in a while.” She'd probably been thinking of this since her first meeting with Chiron. A million thoughts seem to be racing through her head. “Chiron didn't seem like himself at any of the meetings we've had. Like you said, he never looked quite happy about what he was asking me to do. I figured I could wait and see how it panned out in training before coming to any conclusions but today…” Her eyes widen. She's said too much.
Something happened, something she doesn't want me to know about. “Why did Nico send you to talk to me?” She opens her mouth but can't seem to articulate whatever excuse she was going to tell me. I hold her eyes. Everyone always tells me my stares can be pretty intimidating. I learned from the best. Thalia made a pretty intimidating twelve-year-old. “Thalia.”
“Percy and I-”
“Don't tell me you were fighting again?” Percy told me what's happened afte Jason passed out the other day.
She looks away. “I guess it got a little out of hand-”
“You two are so childish! Why can't you just-”
“Annabeth!” It's been awhile since she raised her voice to me. It's the twinge of panic that keeps my mouth shut. She pinches the bridge of her nose. “I...I pushed too far. He got so worked up and...I don't know why I fed into it.”
She doesn't have to say more. “Where is he?”
“I left him with Nico.” I immediately stand up but she catches my arm. “I think he's the best person he can talk to at the moment.” I try to shake her off but her grasp is like steel. “It's not him you should talk to right now, Beth.”
I want to go to Percy. I want to be alone with him and rub the space between his eyebrows because he scrunches it up so hard when he's worried. I want us to drift into our peaceful bubble where only the two of us exist and we can pretend we’ve stopped hurting. I don't want to find out the gods’ new scheme, the Fates’ new wretched turn to our already messed up life.
But I don't run to Percy like I want to. Instead I march towards the Big House, the remnants of Thalia’s steel grip still pressing against my arm.
Dionysus is here. He's sitting beside Chiron, who's in his wheelchair, out on the porch. Something like relief crosses Chiron’s face as I stomp up the steps. “Anniebell!” At this point Dionysus just does it to get under our skin. “So glad to see your cheerful face as always!”
“What are you playing at?!” I growl.
His ironic cheer melts off his face right away, the usual discontent replaces it.
“Perhaps it'd be best if we took this inside.” I want to tell Chiron that I don't care who hears me, but his eyes dart quickly to the right and I notice Harley. He's dragging parts for the beacon he's built for Leo back to his cabin but has stopped to check out what's going on. His eyes dart to Dionysus then to me.
I shoot Harley a quick smile then turn back to Chiron. “Fine.” They both follow me inside into the living room where the fireplace is already lit even though it's probably 8 AM and close to ninety degrees outside. I wait until I can't see Harley through the window to speak again. I meet Dionysus’ purplish eyes. “What have they sent you here for?”
“Typical of demigods! First they're begging us to talk to them and when we finally show up this is what we have to face?” He huffs indignantly. “You always thought so highly of yourself Annalyse-”
“You know that's not my name.” I want Chiron to speak up but he just stares sadly at the flames. “And I know Zeus sent you to check in on the training sessions.” He's listening to me now. I walk up to him so that our noses are almost touching. “What's. Your. Game?”
“I don't have to inform some mortal girl on the business of Lord Zeus.”
I grab him by the cuffs of his stupid grey suit. “Annabeth that's enough!” I whip my head towards Chiron, hot bile churning in my stomach. He's stepping in for him? “Annabeth.” I know what that tone means. I let go of Dionysus.
I stand fuming while the wine god pats the wrinkles out of his suit. I try to search Chiron’s face for an answer but it's like stone. For the first time since I've known Chiron, I can't read his expression. He's never shut me off, and it scares me more than anything Thalia told me earlier. Instead he turns to Dionysus and I have to stand there feeling how I assume everyone else always feels when Chiron and I have a silent conversation.
“They deserve to know,” he finally says.
To my surprise, Dionysus doesn't object. “He's gonna make me stay another millennia here, you do know that? Right?” Chiron stays silent, looking at him expectantly. “Look kid,” he finally starts, looking up at the ceiling with a pained expression, “Zeus really screwed up, okay?” He winces as the sky rumbles. Before, I would've worried about us being blown to bits. Now, I don't even look up. “With the Titans, and the Giants...he's let his ego get in the way-”
“I already know all of this. Get to the point.”
Annoyance etches his face but he doesn't stop. “Maybe the most recent war made him see things more clearly. Maybe he didn't like his Queen doing what she pleased with his heroes. Either way, he did some digging around of his own after the whole Gaea incident. The Titans AND the Giants rising so close to each other...it seemed almost-”
“-orchestrated.” A heavy stone of dread finally settles in my chest. I'm almost relieved. Of course the idea had entered my mind. I don't believe in coincidence and after defeating Gaea so easily I knew she couldn't have been behind it all. “Who-”
Dionysus shakes his head. I know he's already said too much but I want to press him for more. I need to know. But he holds his hand up before I can say anything. “Zeus wants to be prepared this time around. He's ah ‘sharpening his best weapons’, one could say.” There's a slight undertone of disgust as he says the last part, never looking away from me. “We can't know for certain what role each will have due to our lack of Oracle, I'm afraid, but surely that'll be fixed soon enough. In the meantime we can make sure no potential is being wasted.” I cling to his words, taking in the double-meaning behind them. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment to be blast to bits.”
He vanishes before I can ask anything else.
Chiron reaches to touch my hand but I pull away. I can see the hurt in his eyes but I don't care. “Annabeth, you have to understand…”
“Understand what exactly? You could've warned us! Told us sooner!”
“You know I don't have much choice-”
“You couldn't stick up for us...for me?” I can tell my words are killing him, but I mean them too much to keep them quiet. It's barely been a couple of weeks. He knows, more than anyone, how much we need the time.
“I tried...Annabeth these are the gods we're talking about. What could've I've done?”
“Anything! Everything you could and then more because it's what we've have to do!”
His old, tired eyes are glassy with tears. He has always protected me, when everyone forgot he always remembered I was a kid. I can't count the times I've bawled into his chest or sought a comforting word and found it. I want to do that now, but we both know what he's trying to tell me. He lets me in just a crack and I finally understand.
We're going to war again.
“I'm sorry.”
********
I watch everyone’s face fall as Annabeth tells us what Dionysus revealed. We're all seated inside cabin 13 except Annabeth who is standing up. Jason and Piper are seated on my bed, Thalia and Percy on Nico’s. Nico himself is sitting beside me on our small couch.
“He mentioned the Oracle. Something about restoring it somehow,” Annabeth continues. She seems to be talking more to herself than anyone of us in particular, too immersed in the millions of possibilities that are probably racing through her head. “If the gods are all meeting as we speak they're probably looking for someone to pin the blame on-”
“Wait,” Jason interrupts, “but didn't you say my dad admitted to messing up? Why pin it on someone else?”
“Zeus would never admit he made a mistake,” answers Percy. For someone who knows the power of names he sure doesn't mind throwing them around. “He’ll have to punish someone to cover up. It won't be a mortal. It was too big and too close to the Titan War. Didn't you see him in the Acropolis?” They all remembered the Lord of the Sky snapping at a couple of the Olympians after the fight.
“It all comes down to the prophecies,” Annabeth insists, beginning to pace now. “The biggest excuse for the gods not to intervene isn't their laws. They won't meddle with prophecies, especially ones that say hand picked heroes get to fight for them.”
“So what?” Thalia interjects. “They won't do anything to stop whoever set all of this in motion until they've got a prophecy?”
Annabeth shakes her head. “Only a god can restore The Oracle. They'll have to. Plus, we can't do it for them unless we have a prophecy! Which is how their messes are usually cleared up.”
“Gods don't meddle, you said so yourself,” argues Thalia. “If they supposedly did nothing wrong to begin with, why would they try to fix it?”
“Not them,” I can tell Percy has been following his own train of thought, “whoever they end up blaming, whoever they punish. They'll separate themselves that way and send whoever they decided messed up.”
Annabeth stops pacing and looks at Percy. They exchange a look, and suddenly I realize what Percy might be implying. They'll never fight alongside us as immortals...but immortality can be taken away.
I don't know if everyone thinks what I do, but we all go quiet. Before, we would've been jolted awake by such critical information, but we're all so palpably tired now. I turn to look at my brother, whose eye bags have become almost permanent under his eyes. Aboard the Argo II we all seemed so much more energized. I realize now that those were our ‘imminent danger, scared-out-of-our-minds’ selves. We were pushing so hard because we could see the finish line; we were tired then too, but we could handle it because we knew it was almost over. Now they're telling us it's barely even begun? None of us are eager to jump into action.
Before we would've gone to work, now we simply drift apart, a silent agreement passing between us all to do nothing until absolutely necessary. Piper tugs at Jason’s arm, whispering a quick bye to the others. She's barely had time to properly mourn her best friend. Thalia follows her brother out the door. Annabeth and Percy are the last to leave, their fingers loosely locked together. Nico and I watch them all go.
“I should probably send word to Frank,” I say after a while.
Nico doesn't take his eyes away from the door. “You leaving already? I could shadow travel you back to Camp Jupiter if you want.”
In light of recent events I'm not too keen on air travel. For the first time I allow myself to feel hatred towards Jupiter and all the Olympians, but force it right down almost immediately. It's not good for us to hold grudges, Nico once told me, it's our fatal flaw. “No, it's okay. I'll ask Frank to send a veteran.”
“It'll be okay.” Nico finally turns to look at me. Somehow that doesn't sound as reassuring coming from the boy that lies awake at night haunted by nightmares. “Whatever happens, we'll get through it. We've done it before.”
“Not all of us made it.” I think of Leo and it becomes much harder to keep my anger down. I wait for Nico to try to reassure me again, but he's always been too honest. He can't promise me that.
He stays silent and goes back to staring at the door. After a while I decide I can't put off calling Frank much longer and head towards the volleyball court where they keep a hose. I look back at my brother as I'm closing the door behind me. “Nico,” he stares up at me, “we’ll be fine.” He nods and tries to offer me a smile but it comes out more like a grimace. I turn around and close the door behind me.
It's not that sunny today. Hopefully it's enough to get a decent rainbow going. I could ask Chiron for one of the few cellphones but I doubt Frank is close to one at Camp and I want to see his face. I'm almost to the forge when I hear Will coming out of the pegasus stables. “Hey Hazel!” He catches up to me, all smiles. “Did your training session get extended or something? Percy was suppose to check on the mare-”
“Yeah,” I lie, “Thalia got a little excited.” I briefly remember Percy telling us about a pregnant pegasus he and Will have been taking care of. I've been dying to meet her since he mentioned it at the picnic. “Maybe I could help.”
Will’s face lights up, almost literally. Nico is right, he looks like the improved version of Octavian. I didn't really get sun god vibes from him, but Will almost embodies sunshine. “Yeah of course! After seeing you ride Arion I don't think she’ll be any trouble at all!”
I follow him to the stables and make a silent promise to get in touch with Frank later in the day. “How far along is she?”
“Oh she's almost there!” He pulls out a giant glove as I enter a section that seems more spacious and my eyes widen. I didn't realize it was that kind of check up. “Don't panic on me now, Levesque. I just need you to calm her down. I have Percy help me since he can talk to her.” He pulls out a stool and sits behind the grey mare grazing in the corner. My nerves melt away the second I set eyes on her. Her wings are so silky that they almost look like silver, her big brown eyes scan me nervously.
“It's okay,” I reassure her, slowly walking towards her and softly placing my hand between her eyes. I try to not pay any attention to whatever Will’s doing and find myself chatting nonsensically with the mare. “What's her name?”
“Misty.”
I tell Misty about the strawberry fields, and babble about the unicorns back in Camp Jupiter until Will is finished. I don't know how much time passes but I'm grateful for the distraction. I pat Misty one last time and follow Will outside. I don't even realize I'm hungry until my stomach growls. I haven't really had time to eat anything, nor have I felt inclined to until now. “C’mon, I'll buy you something from the Camp store.” I try to decline but Will waves me away until I gratefully accept.
He buys me a muffin and gets a sandwich for himself, then we make our way to the Hearth where a small, mousy girl is tending to the flames. I smile at her and she looks at me curiously before smiling back and placing a small finger to her lips. “Thanks,” I tell Will as he sit beside me, “I needed that.”
“Don't mention it.”
We eat in silence. I watch as Will waves to everyone and how they all wave back, unable to not mirror Will’s smile. I stare at the door to my cabin and will Nico to come out. I imagine his gloomy, tired face breaking into a grin when he sees us, and him walking towards us and chatting away. But the door stays closed. “Hey,” I know I'll pay for this later but I go on anyways, “do you mind checking in on my brother?”
Will swallows the last of his sandwich before asking: “Is something wrong?” When I don't answer his gaze momentarily shifts to the angry scrape on my arm.
“He's just in a mood.”
He looks skeptical but nods anyways. I guess he has enough experience with us all and knows better than to push it. He calls a small later over his shoulder as he walks towards cabin 13 and I feel a little lighter. I'm glad Nico now has Will. He's good for him.
Now all I want to do is talk to Frank.
*******
Thalia sits beside me at the base of the Zeus statue inside cabin 1. Piper wanted to stay with me but a fire erupted inside the Aphrodite cabin (something about too many hair straighteners being plugged in) and she had to rush there before actual people were set on fire (again). Thalia's old things are still in the corner. I wonder if my father would get mad if I asked Annabeth to remodel the place, make it feel less like an ominous temple. I turn to ask Thalia what she thinks about it and realize she's crying.
“Gods, Thalia…” I awkwardly put my arm around her. “It'll be fine-” I stop abruptly when I notice that what I thought were sobs shaking her body, is actually a laugh she's failing to contain. Maybe she's finally losing it. She catches a glimpse of whatever face I'm making and properly starts laughing. It sounds insane and it's starting to make the corners of my mouth twitch. “Stop it, you sound crazy.”
She manages to tone it down to a few chuckles and wipes her eyes, smudging her mascara so she looks like a blue-eyed, tiara-wearing raccoon. “Aw man,” she exclaims, “Dad sure outdoes himself, doesn't he?” There isn't much humor left in her voice. “Although I must admit it did warm my heart to know he considers me one of his greatest weapons-”
“Thalia.”
“-every child's dream, truly.” I look up to the statue above us nervously. “Oh don't worry, J. Daddy knows better than to wreck his precious toys.”
“Thalia c’mon.”
“Sometimes I wish he'd let me die all those years ago, y'know. I would've had a hero's death and be done with it-”
“Don't say that.” I take her hand and she meets my eyes. I understand what she's feeling because I'm pretty angry myself. But, unlike her, our father has pretty much ignored me my whole life. I don't know him enough to feel the betrayal I know she probably feels. “It'll be okay.” It sounds lame even to me but she smiles anyways.
“I don't think it's ever been okay, but…” She shrugs. Just like that she's pulling herself together again. It scares me to see her so undone but I also realize how much she must trust me to lose control like that in front of me. “...we've never had much of a choice.”
“They don't control us, Thalia. As much as they want to, they can't.”
“That doesn't sound very Roman of you.”
I'm feeling pretty un-Roman, yes. “So we’re caught in a war again?! I won't fight because he-” I point at the statue- “needs saving! I don't really care much for making him proud at the moment.” Once again I glance nervously at the huge marble Zeus and adjust my glasses which, in my flurry, started to slide down my nose. I don't know where that came from. I guess I've finally hit my rebellious, teenage streak.
Thalia looks amused. She's smirking, so that can't be good. “You really are my brother, aren't you?” Maybe she wasn't amused, maybe she was...proud? “And yeah, you're right. I won't be fighting for him. I don't know what difference it'll make when the time comes, but I at least want him to know that.” She pulls me into a headlock and starts messing up my hair. She really liked doing that. “I love you, little brother.”
*******
I jump when the door creaks open. I'm surprised to find Will’s face poking in, “Can I come in?”
I don't really feel like talking but I find myself muttering sure anyways. He joins me on the floor (the couch was too comfortable for my liking), resting his weight on his elbows and spreading out his long legs in front of him. “So Hazel’s worried about you.”
“Did she send you?”
“Yep.”
“Figures.”
I can feel him searching my face for any hint as to what happened. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
“No!” I don't mean to raise my voice. I turn to apologize but he shakes his head.
“It's okay.”
I uncross my legs and mirror his pose so our arms are touching. I can feel his bare bicep against my shoulder. “Hazel helped me out with Misty,” he tells me, “she did a great job. I didn't get kicked once!” He shifts his weight to his left arm so he can bring his hand up to place a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I predict we’ll have a healthy, male baby pegasus this time next week.” He grabs my chin with his long archer’s fingers and tries to nudge my head towards him but I don't buck because...well because I'm stubborn, okay? Instead he places a kiss to my cheek and keeps on babbling. “I don't think Porkpie and Blackjack will be too happy about having another, cuter, smaller pegasus around. They're always fighting over Misty and now they'll always lose to him.”
The sides of my mouth twitch slightly and I can see a triumphant smile spread across his face. Still, he soldiers on. “But maybe once he's born we’ll finally figure out who the father actually is! I know Percy's got his money on Blackjack but that seems like favoritism to me, Porkpie can be quite charming-”
He stops abruptly as I let out a chuckle. “Okay,” I tell him, “you win! Just please stop.”
He laughs, and in a fit of bravery rushes in and kisses me. We both stare wide-eyed at the other as he pulls away. I brush my lips with my finger, convinced they can't possibly be the same after being pressed against Will Solace’s mouth. My first kiss.
“Oh Gods! Nico, I'm sorry.”
“It's okay,” I whisper, my fingers still on my lips.
“I'll leave!”
“No!” I'm shaken out of my daze as he stands up. I reach for him and catch his wrist, and gods I'm blushing so hard. “Stay,” I clear my throat which has suddenly gone very dry. “I mean, only if you want to.”
He looks petrified but eventually nods and sits back down next to me, both our backs against the foot of Hazel’s bed. I don't notice I'm still holding his wrist until I realize that the loud thumping I feel beneath my fingers is his racing heartbeat. In my own moment of bravery I intertwine my fingers with his.
It's easy to forget what Annabeth told us when I'm willing my palms not to sweat and when my lips can't stop tingling.
**********
We should've left Percy's cabin a while ago. I'm pretty sure he just missed his sword fighting class and Malcolm must be waiting by the climbing wall for me, but neither one of us moves from his bed. It's only a couple degrees cooler inside the cabin and the combination of summer weather and the heat from Percy's body against mine is making me drowsy. I trace circles on his chest absentminded until he catches my hand. “If you keep doing that I'm definitely going to fall asleep.”
I stop. “Sorry.”
“S’okay.”
I sigh and will my entire body to disentangle itself from Percy. He catches my arm as my feet touch the floor. “We can't just stay here,” I tell him, “they're probably already looking for us.”
He groans and hugs me from behind, placing a small kiss on my neck then burrowing his face on my shoulder. “If they wanted to find us, they'd know where to look. Let's just stay here a little while.”
It's tempting, so tempting to just stay here inside our bubble and ignore everything else. “We can't. Percy…”
“What?”
“We can't just act like what just happened didn't happen.”
“Why not?”
I turn so I can properly glare at him. “Why?! This changes everything!”
“No, it doesn't.” I want to argue. I want him to be annoyed by me and roll his eyes at what I have to say. I want to yell and have him yell back. But all my anger melts away when he tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear. “We’re still graduating. We're still going to college. You're still going to design a whole city for our camp.” I only told him a few days ago about my ideas for New Athens. “Our plans are still there, Annabeth.”
“They won't ever leave us alone.”
He pulls me closer to him. I could almost count all the different shades of greens and blues in his eyes. “They don't matter.” He kisses me, first on the lips then down my jaw, all the way to my collarbone. It's hard to to focus on the bleak aspects of life when you can feel Percy Jackson’s warm breath against your chest. He pulls me back down into the bed so we're facing each other. After a while he says: “You're staring at me.” I am. He's taking this whole mess too well, his features look completely calm.“Stooop,” he whines.
“Are you blushing?”
“What? No,” he totally is, “it's just really hot in here.”
I laugh at the duality of Percy Jackson. One second he's peppering you with kisses, the next he's embarrassed if you stare too long at his face. I'm so happy in this moment it's scary. He probably notices the shift in my eyes and his smile melts away. Why is he so calm about this? We seemed to be on the same page as me a while ago in Nico’s cabin. Thalia even mentioned they fought earlier!
He presses him forehead against mine. “Stop thinking.”
But I can't. All I can think about are Chiron’s sad eyes as he said sorry and the million possible enemies we’ll have to face and how I just can't anymore. “I can't.”
His lips are against my ear now. “I know, Annabeth. I hate it too. But I'm not giving up now.”
I turn around and kiss him again. I kiss him because just now he sounded terrified, because he's probably been freaking out about this since Thalia showed up and he hasn't let it ruin a single moment with me. I kiss him because I wish I wasn't so powerless and actually had a say in my own life. And he kisses me back because he feels it too.
“Hey,” he says after a while, breaking away from the kiss, suddenly looking nervous, “I have to tell you something. It's not bad,” he adds quickly. Slowly his smile comes back and he looks straight at me and we're both twelve and jittery again. “My mom’s-” he lets out a shaky, embarrassed laugh as tears pool in his eyes- “she's pregnant Annabeth!”
All my drowsiness melts away immediately. I sit up and start saying something but falter and all that comes out is something between a shriek and a gasp. And I'm crying and so is he, but we're also laughing and if someone were to walk in on us now we’d probably look insane.
I look back at him once again, and it hits me. I rush forwards and take his face in my hands, searching. I search the bags beneath his eyes and the brand new sun freckles above his nose. I search in the one slightly crooked front tooth as he gapes at me in confusion through his tears, and in the spot on his left eyebrow that always looks messy.
I search and search, but I never find it. And maybe that darkness comes back when Thalia pushes too hard, or in the middle of the night when we realize our nightmares are actually memories. Or when we realize that the wars will never stop.
But right now Percy’s going to be an older brother again.
Right now, we're nothing but light.
*******
EPILOGUE
It took Percy Jackson two hours to convince the cops not to tow his car (with heavy help from a few tricks Hazel had taught him on how to control The Mist) and another hour to wedge the Prius out from the two trees he'd swerved into, all while being slowed down by his constant sneezing. He finally caught his breath as he rested his hands on his knees and admired his handy work. Both car doors were heavily scratched and the one on the driver’s side had a dent from where Percy banged it against the tree trunk as he tried to open it, he'd also busted a headlight and the mirror that'd been on Meg’s side lay pathetically on the floor. Yeah, he was definitely grounded. He checked his watch even though the dark sky already let him know he was very late indeed. With a sigh he opened the door and sat behind the wheel. His head had started to throb and he let out final sneeze before he put the keys in the ignition and attempted to start the car. “C’mon,” he grumbled, placing his forehead against the wheel as he turned the keys a second time. It took him another two tries but he finally managed to start the car.
As he drove back to his apartment, stuck in traffic and painfully congested, he tried to convince himself that he's denial to get involved in whatever trouble Apollo was going to cause was going to hold up. It wasn't working. For the first time in seven months he allowed himself to think about what Annabeth had told them inside Nico’s cabin. The Oracle. An enemy so strong they'd coordinated the last two wars.
He thought he'd have more time.
When he finally made it to the apartment it was almost midnight. The combination of his head cold and the guilt at making his extremely pregnant mother worry were enough to make him hesitate at the door, but he finally turned the key and pushed his way into the dimly lit apartment.
Sally Jackson was wearing the same tye-dye dress she'd wore earlier in the day when she prepared snacks for Apollo and Meg McCaffrey, Paul was sitting beside her in the kitchen.
“Mom, I'm so-” he was interrupted mid-way by a sneeze followed by a groan.
“Oh Percy! What happened now?” In a second she was right beside him guiding him into an armchair and heating up the kettle. Before he could explain further he was wrapped in a blanket, a warm mug of tea in his hands.
“It's fine, Mom. It's just a cold.” She didn't look any less worried, making Percy's guilt flash back. “I'm sorry. I was in a field and there wasn't any signal. Plus, I couldn't even get to my phone because these dumb cops-”
Paul raised a hand and stopped him right there. “What about the cops? Percy, did you get arrested?”
“What? No! They just wanted to tow the car.”
Sally brought her hand to her hip in a very motherly way. “Perseus Jackson you'd better not have crashed that car!”
Percy winced as he remembered the scratches on the door. He looked towards Paul but thankfully he seemed more concerned about his stepson and Sally getting worked up than whatever damage was done to his vehicle. “Cut him some slack, Sal. Clearly, it wasn't his fault.”
Sally sighed and slumped back down onto the chair she'd been sitting on before. “I know, I know. I'm sorry. I was just so worried, Percy!”
“I know. I'm sorry, Mom. Things just got out of control.” She went back to looking worried. Her son had inherited her habit of knitting her eyebrows together when they worried. “But I dropped them off now. It's okay.” Even though he didn't know for sure it wasn't true, Percy still felt like he was lying. And he hated lying to his Mom, but she'd already stayed up so long and she looked exhausted. “Let's just all go to bed, okay?”
She looked at her son and then at Paul, finally surrendering and nodding as she absentmindedly rubbed her swollen belly. Before she went to her room she kissed Percy on his temple and placed the back of her hand against his forehead. He rolled his eyes and once again reassured her he'd be fine. He didn't pull away when she hugged him tightly to her though, after being away from her for almost a year he didn't mind her fussing over him.
He said goodnight to Paul and his stepfather patted his shoulder, following his wife down the hall to their bedroom.
Once they were gone Percy stayed on the armchair and finished his tea, debating whether or not he should try to Iris Message Annabeth and if she'd even answer. He finally got up and rinsed his mug at the sink with one hand and held the blanket atop his shoulders in place with the other. He groggily made his way to his bedroom and practically fell face first onto his mattress, groaning as the pounding in his head increased. Maybe calling Annabeth could wait until the next morning.
He was just starting to fall asleep when his phone buzzed in his pocket (now it decided to work?). It was only for emergencies which meant very few people had his number and most of them could've easily Iris Messaged him. He reached into his jeans and pulled it out, squinting at the brightness. It was Annabeth. He propped himself on his elbow and picked up. “Hey. I almost Iris Messaged you just now. What's up?”
“Sorry! Did I wake you up?”
“No, I just got here actually.”
He could hear her pause at the other end of the line. “How come? Why do you sound weird?”
“I got a cold.” Another sneeze overtook him to further confirm his statement. “Oh and...Apollo came by.”
“The god Apollo? What? He hasn't been seen for months?” They both had had their suspicions as to why. Now, Apollo had confirmed it for Percy. Zeus had finally chosen who to blame.
“Yeah, well he's mortal now apparently. We're the same clothe size.” Percy could almost see her pinching the bridge of her nose and starting to pace inside whatever Boston hotel she was staying at. “Any luck with your cousin?”
She sighed and let out a stressed out little laugh. “Oh yeah he's fine. He died, but he's taking it rather well, all things considered.”
“What?!” Percy silently cursed and peered out his door to make sure he hadn't woken up his parents. “What do you mean died?” He shout-whispered into the phone.
“It's okay he was resurrected in Valhalla!” Annabeth sounded like she knew she was crazy and had made her peace with it.
“Man, crazy day huh?”
She laughed, properly now. “Yeah! What's new?”
They both stayed quiet for a little while, neither one eager to break the silence because they knew what came next. Percy was eager to get inside his bed and take a ten hour nap, but he knew he wouldn't sleep much that night. “When are you coming back?” They couldn't slack off on their training now. Percy almost missed his worry towards the SAT that morning.
“Tomorrow.”
She sounded quite crestfallen but he knew it wasn't about leaving Boston. “Hey,” he tried, his throat was getting sore, “we won't get involved until it's totally necessary, right? They might not even need us.”
One could still hope.
There was some static ruffling from her side of the line and then a deep sigh. “Right. Okay. See you soon.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you.”
#pjohoobigbang2017#percabeth#jasiper#pjo#hoo#20k#Percy jackson#Thalia grace#jason grace#piper mclean#hazel levesque#nico di angelo#annabeth chase#chiron#will solace#solangelo#fluff#angst#flangst#pro/hoo#no control#ramwfics#ramwfic
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My Current Thoughts About My Life:
So, I haven`t really been on Tumblr in awhile. How have you all been? I hope that you`ve all been doing well, and that the new year has been treating you all well, so far. <3
I just currently feel like expressing my current thoughts while I`m on here. Disclaimer, this is a long post. Once I start writing/typing, my mind thinks up a lot of things at once that I would like to add...Whoopsies... (/_\)’*
Okay, let’s see. Where to start?
So, currently I am unemployed. I was working for quite awhile in an office type place, I guess as a personal assistant. I would just help out with paperwork, such as invoices and packing slips, and various other things that needed to be done within the workplace itself. I was let go, but not by choice by the person who told me the news (the only reason why I got said job in the first place was because my friends parents work there). I think due to the new year, and the more higher positioned (?) people didn`t want me on the payroll for the new year (I`m assuming by the conversation I had over the phone). Getting jobs now a days is all about connections sadly (I`ve applied to so many places within the last year or so, and only got jobs due to connections (a food industry, that I will not name was by far the worst, and only if need be will I work at a place like that again). I also have dyed hair now (which I dyed on December. 19th of last year), and I don`t want to spend hundreds of more dollars that I can`t afford to spend on dying my hair back to my natural hair colour (dark brown), or a natural hair colour because anything else will be “Distracting to costumers”, because you know, my hair is getting the job and not me as a person... *Sighs* I’m planning on going back to college in September for a Photography program (I may upload some of my photos on here), but that costs money, especially when it’s a three year program. This would make it my third time going to college. Third times the charm, right? *Fingers Crossed*
To help make some money in the meantime (although I know it won’t be much), I was thinking about starting an Etsy store, and selling stickers of @cryaotic‘s Sup Guy character (for example) because he is fun and easy to draw. If/when I do decide on this idea, and end up making some samples (besides some sketches that I have in mind in my sketchbooks), I’m going to try and get in contact with Cry, and ask for his permission, since I obviously don’t own the rights to this character. I’m more than happy to give him some of the profit, but again that’s a whole thing in itself. I know there’s the whole fair use thing, however I want to try and get permission for these types of things when I can. However with this, I want to have things ready before moving forward, if anything.
Side Note:
[If you don’t know who Cry is, he is a gamer on YouTube and he does Twitch streams quite frequently. He’s an amazing person, and he’s the second YouTuber that I subscribed to over four years ago on YouTube. I will leave a link to his YouTube channel, as well as his Twitch, just in case any of you are interested and would like to check him out. Obviously, I would recommend him and his content. They are on the lengthier side, but they are worth it, in my opinion. (^_^)’* <3]
Links:
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/ChaoticMonki
Twitch:
https://www.twitch.tv/cryaotic
I’ve also been considering selling some of the photos that I took during my photography course in college last year on Etsy as well (I would make prints on different kinds of papers with various different sizes, possibly different colour filters and/or schemes as well). There are a select view photos that I actually really do like. Again, these are just some thoughts that have been forming within my brain recently.
Technically, I did graduate from my one year program last year (I started in January of last year, so I did the semesters backwards). It was only for a certificate, which I didn’t know about until way later on into the second semester. I was in the program called Foundations in Art and Design. I’m definitely more of a sketcher than anything. I would say that I’m pretty decent at sketching. For me, I do need a reference to work off of, or my drawings will look like chicken scratch (putting it politely). After playing Final Fantasy XV, I had the realization about how much I really do like photography. Prompto’s side quests were so fun for me to do (if anything, I looked forward to his side quests the most), and I looked forward to all of the photos that he would take during the day(s) before you go and rest somewhere. Whether at a motel, safe haven, etc. The ending hit me like a ton of bricks. I hope that I can take at least one picture that’ll impact somebody in the same way that the ending impacted me. <3
Side Note:
[I actually have so many ideas for Final Fantasy XV for contents that they could add to the game itself. I know that this is a shot in the dark, but if anybody has any idea(s) on how I can get in touch with the creators please let me know. I would appreciate it greatly. (^_^)’* <3
Should I do a video and/or post on my ideas? Hhhhmmm... *Pounders Thought Deeply*]
I also really want to get back into making YouTube videos. I really do miss making videos. I’ve also been thinking about voice acting, or at the very least trying to do something similar to how Cry does his Cry Reads series (Link to his playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL100E6F8D8D47702F). I think that would be a great way to start off, and see how it goes from there.
I still really want to do charity live streams in the future, especially as many twenty four hour ones that I can. I have a few charities already in mind, I just now need to make time, figure out how to record everything, figure out what to do and how to go about it all, and get/save money for certain equipment's. Again, fingers crossed I can do this sometime in the near future. *Fingers Crossed*
I’m twenty one, and I’m going to be twenty two next month, and I still don’t know what my life is even about currently. I would love to move out someday soon (nothing is wrong with my household or anything like that, I just would like to move out), travel the world and take photos (I should probably get my driver’s license... *Sighs* (So many idiots on the roads now a days that I would rather not deal with, although I know that it is inevitable to avoid them... *Even More Sighing*)), play more video games, and continue where I left off on YouTube (for those of you who have been supporting me during my absence, thank you so much. It all really does mean a lot to me, and I really do appreciate every single one of you. (^///^)’* <3). Charity live streams are something I want to do in the very near future, and I want to continue sketching and taking photos (My goal this year is to take a photo for everyday of this year (I completely forgot to take one yesterday, so I’m going to take two today!). I do miss singing and acting (I took Vocals and Drama all throughout high school, and I enjoy and miss writing as well. I have so many interests, but it’s just deciphering the hobbies/interests from what I would like to do with my life career wise. I have a good handful of things that I’m good at, but nothing that I really exceed at. I know that things don’t happen overnight, and that practice does improve skill sets greatly. I also like to cook and bake, and I like to dance as well...man, I just like a lot of things... xD xP
Side Note:
[This has nothing to do with anything career wise, but I really would also like to watch more animes. I’m currently on episode ten of the first season of Danganronpa (I would also love to play the games and read the manga’s involving this series!), and I watched the first episode of Yuri!!! On Ice recently (earlier this morning before going to bed). I really like the horror genre, but I’m not opposed to other genres of anime. If you really like anime and/or you would like to watch some great and interesting people, I have four amazing YouTubers that I think you should check out! I will leave there YouTube channels and Twitch links below. (^_^)’* <3
Links:
The Anime Man (Joey (Congratulations on reaching over one million subscribers recently, Joey. You truly do deserve them all, and more. (^_^)’* <3)):
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3ETCazlHenpXEsrEJH-k5A
Second Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxgJZxXviSbPbEMrsO6DpuQ
Twitch:
https://www.twitch.tv/thean1meman
Akidearest (Congratulations on almost reaching eight hundred thousand subscribers, Aki. You truly do deserve them all, and more. Here’s to nine hundred thousand, and soon one million. (^_^)’* <3)):
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_1HVMnw-610qx54iEiWk7A
Second Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSMpnI56rm5Iu-lKEas-fKQ
Twitch:
https://www.twitch.tv/akidearest
Lost Pause (Noble (Congratulations on reaching almost one million subscribers, Noble. You truly do deserve them all, and more. (^_^)’* <3)):
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/LostPause
Second Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrtg2R3JEs9z06_sfkO_t7g
Twitch:
https://www.twitch.tv/lost_pause_
Misty/Chronexia (Mathieu (I know that this is on the later side, however congratulations on reaching one million subscribers, Mat. You truly do deserve them all, and more. Also, congratulations to both you and Jess on the news of your baby *Spoiler Alert* girl! I can’t wait until she’s born, and I know that the two of you will be great parents. (^_^)’* <3)).
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/ChronexiaMisty
Second Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/user/MistyChronexia
Twitch:
https://www.twitch.tv/misty_chronexia
...Did I forget anything? I mean, knowing me I probably. If I did, I can always just add the missing points/thoughts later on to this post when they come to mind.
Don’t give up on your passion(s) and your dream(s). If you don’t know what you want to do yet in your life, don’t worry. You’ll figure it out eventually, I mean look at me. I’m planning on going to college for a third time, and if it weren’t for Final Fantasy XV and Prompto’s character, I may not have figured out how much I really like photography, and my last college program had a photography course in it! Prompto will always have a special place in my heart, and in all honesty I do see a lot of me in him and is character. Thank you to the creators and character designers of Final Fantasy XV and Prompto, even though this was clearly unintentional. You will never know how much Prompto’s character means to me, and how much he impacted my life for the better. I hope that one day I can impact at least one person, the same way this all impacted me. <3
Side Note:
[Anyone else think that it would be so cool to voice act for the Final Fantasy franchise? I would love to do something like that someday! *Even More Finger Crossing!]
Trust me, to this day I do feel pressure here an there, but don’t let pressure from others get to you. There is no time limit when it comes to finding your passions and figuring out your life dreams! If you don’t, I believe in each and every one of you. (^///^)’* <3 Meghan Camarena, also known as Strawburry17 on YouTube, made a video called Dreamer over a year ago. I will leave a link to her video, as well to her two YouTube channels. She’s an amazing human being, and this video really did help me out a lot.
Links:
Dreamer Video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAY1oY0uurA
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/Strawburry17
Second Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/user/LifeBurry
Gaming Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4IgEVgl6t18-89GPekZtAw
Also, I’m going to add the links to annablutube’s and Damien Dawn’s version of their song, Silent Scream, as well as there YouTube channels. I’ll also have a link for Anna’s song, Where Do I Go?, which is one of the latest songs that has been made. When the official music video comes out, I will add a link to that video as well. They are both really talented musicians and such wonderful people. They also reached their goal on Kickstarter, and I’m so glad that I could be a backer, and help them out with their dreams, and help make them into a reality. Congratulations you two, I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for you all! (^///^)’* <3
Links:
Annablutube:
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/annablutube
Silent Scream Video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIlghWDd7RU
Where Do I Go? Video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ks1Ly5jDU
Damien Dawn:
YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/DamienDawn
Silent Scream Video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8j9mApdBhOI
Anyways, I hope that you’re all having an amazing day or night, wherever you are in the word. Stay safe. <3
Never give up. <3
- Keanna <3
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A Monsters’ World
I’m Not Alone!!! Hey folks, I have this interesting relationship with my parents which I always thought was kinda hard to describe and I thought it was a unique type of hell, but it’s not. So I literally Googled “Why don’t my parents care about my interests?” and I didn’t actually expect much to come up but it turns out there are hundreds and thousands of other people who go through the following issue.
You know when a small child is telling you about some fantasy world that they just made up and you just kinda dismiss it and tell them ‘cool’ just so they’ll leave? Well I’m sad to say I’ve done that and we probably all have. But This is one of the many ways my parents. If I ever talk about something that I care about they dismiss it or trivialize it. At the end of one of my sentences they just say “Anyways” and then move on and talk about something else, not even acknowledging me and they send a clear message that what I just said, what I care about, WHO I care about and that I, do not matter to them. My dad still thinks I play Call of Duty, after 4 years of not playing it. My parents couldn’t name one of my hobbies other than gaming and you’d have to ask them directly or else they’d never think to talk about me. I’ve eavesdropped on their conversations at church several times and they never mention me, because I’m not the success or the type of success they like. I am treated like that little kid who tells them something and they treat me as if everything I just said is utterly useless and worthless. I have straight up been told to “shut up” or “stop talking” because no one wanted to hear about something I thought was worth talking about. Next is something that really bugs me. We all want to spend our time doing things that we enjoy, things that bring us joy and things that we see value in, right? Well of course. However for me, if I am not making money or in school then what I am doing is “nothing”. What I am doing isn’t worth anyone’s time and I am simply being lazy or wasting my life. My parents insult my hobbies and my way of life, they hang on every mistake and insecurity and then they wonder, “Why don’t you like to spend time with us?”. Gee I wonder you crap sack! Maybe because you hate everything I do, think, say and like. Maybe because you make me feel invisible and worthless! If I wanted to feel invisible and worthless I’d go back to school where I was picked on and was made fun of because of my hobbies and beliefs but now you guys are the bullies you dicks!
Oh man, I guess I just needed to blow off some steam… this is very therapeutic. Anyway it turns out that so many other people have this problem and it destroyed the bond and friendship between parents and their kids, especially mine. They likely haven’t noticed that they’ve done this and they probably don’t care. 99 percent of my encounters with a family member is bad and they put me down in one way or another. I’ve said this before in my blog but frankly this is my family bullying me to some extent. Also you may have noticed that earlier in this post I said that my parents don’t care about who I care about. So that means my girlfriend. They really don’t understand my feels for her or they don’t care about my feels for her. To them she’s just some girl that I call my girlfriend (though she’s so much more than that, I’m not a fan of that label despite being true). They treat it the way people do when a kid in grade 2 says they have a crush. They brush it off as if it’s nothing and will always be nothing. I hate it and unfortunately I have to pull teeth in order to use the car to see her because simply using it when no one else is, is somehow a burden on them. I was recently working on some art for my girlfriend and it was a nice pixel art piece that took it’s fair share of time and effort. My Sister walks behind me and looks at what I was making. She says “isn’t that a lot of work just for your girlfriend?”.... WHAT!? Wouldn’t you do it if you value someone that you are in a relationship with?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Of course it’s a lot of work but it’s worth it because that’s called ‘Caring’ you stupid human! However my sister wouldn’t understand, she has never cared about anyone but herself and that’s not an insult, that’s legit true. She doesn’t do things for her friends because she feels that they “don’t deserve it” and she’s never been in a relationship even though there is a perfectly nice guy out there who’s way too good for her and to her, who has had a crush on her for years now but she won’t think twice because… he sometimes has a casual beer. I mean I just bought my girlfriend wine because who the fuck cares about a causal alcoholic drink? (responsibly of course) We are Christians but it’s not wrong to drink alcohol, it’s wrong to get drunk. Anyway this guy has bent over backwards to please her and treat her special and she won’t even look at him because he’s not her textbook perfect guy that fits her requirements. Frankly I think he’s lucky because she’s toxic, evil and stupid anyway, he’s dodging a bullet. Anyway that was a bit off track. The point is, I am locked in this house like a dog, I’m expected to not talk or do anything that may inconvenience anyone (but they’re allowed to inconvenience me) and I am to just exist happily in my own little world where no one cares about me. I am just waiting for the day that they take me out back and put me down.
Next would be how my hobbies, don’t count as hobbies because it’s not adult like enough or simply not something they like. For example over the span of my life they have attempted countless times to pull me away from video games and do… just about anything. Soccer, hockey, gymnastics, art’s and crafts (not even the good kind), biking, wall climbing. Anything! Now none of these things are bad, in fact I can enjoy any of those things I listed but they forced me. They said I have to pick one and I ended up trying all of them but it wasn’t videogames. I loved and still Love them, no doubt due to the lack of affection, acceptance and fun that my parents never showed me. Of course after awhile they just gave up, Now I hardly see them. I live from noon hour to 6am while they are either at work, asleep or watching tv. My parents are funny though, they think that popping their head through my door and saying good night is a good way to show they love me… awwwwww, isn’t that a cute little load of crap. Another thing is when they try and tell me what I like or what I think. Like what?! How do they know? Is it magic? They don’t know anything about me but yet they can tell me what is important to me and what think. Go die. The other day I was busy helping move things to the new house (we’re moving) and we were building counters for the new kitchen and when we were finished they were excited to get home and watch a movie and I said “no thanks, I’ve got work to do”. I had to work on my book, that piece of art for my girlfriend and I that I mentioned earlier and there’s a game that I want to finish before I go off to college. All of these things are work and mean alot to me but my brother just said, “No you don’t”. He assumed that what I was doing was worthless and a waste of time.
Now this is not entirely my family’s fault… well there bad attitudes are. However my talents, skills and idea’s of fun are… generally frowned upon by people, especially people like my family. For example when someone is a good singer or dancer or musician or athlete people think “wow I wish I could do that” instead my hobbies and skills are “worthless” and people think “what a waste of time” or “you have too much time on your hands” or “get a life”.
Lastly after more digging around on the internet this is a clear sign that my family is toxic and full of narcissists because apparently this is how they feed themselves. Inflicting this upon me as the weaker target makes them feel dominant and gives them a sense of power. They need this to feel secure. It sucks for me but it’s easy and nice for them because they are monsters living in a world where the monster is the good guy and the good guys always win.
Anyway folks, I definitely feel better after writing this, though I now have more research that I want to do on this matter. Peace
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