and they were roommates
sfw. warnings: reader is gender-neutral, mild scott pilgrim vs. the world spoilers, mentions of alcohol/alcoholism, migraines, hangovers, angst, a sad wallace, etc.
author’s note: scott is my least favorite character, so expect some jabs to be thrown at him in here. anyway, sorry if this is trash or too cringeworthy. i tried my best, y’all ✌🏻
• you’ve known of wallace through a few stories your closest friend, stacey pilgrim. you mainly just listened to her rant about him stealing a few of her boyfriends.
— sadly though, wallace ended up breaking things off with other scott…and jimmy…and that other guy that he can’t remember the name of. the good thing is that scott finally moved out since he is planning on living with ramona. still…it did get a little lonely at times.
• because of how sad and isolated he felt, wallace began to drink. well, more than usual anyway. every night he could be seen lounging at his favorite bar with a generous of empty beer bottles/cans in front of him.
• it wasn’t until the fourth night of this repetitive cycle is when wallace met you: [name: y/n l/n. occupation: bartender. 24 years old and he’s never seen you until tonight which is surprising since wallace practically knows everybody.]
— right off the bat, you two hit it off right away. there was an underlying tension there but for the first few occurrences when you either bumped into wallace in the street or found him at the bar, it goes untouched & unmentioned.
• that was until wallace asked for you phone number when he is drunk. it was really sappy, but he was still nice about it. it makes you happy that wallace isn’t an angry drunk, like whatsoever. he’s just happy to be there and very sleepy. there were a few times where you had to give him over to his place because you didn’t trust him to get there on his own.
• you were always so kind to him, always treating him better than he probably deserved.
• needless to say, it didn’t take long for wallace to think of you in the highest regards. you two even started hanging out outside of the bar where you work at. if he needed something to be picked up, you’ll do it with no questions asked or you would sometimes pay for his coffee if you were out to get yourself a drink too.
— just after a few weeks of knowing you, wallace fell head over heels. and he had it bad.
• of course, he tried to suppress his feelings and tried his damn best to not make it obvious. so, what did our dear wallace do to ensure that? he started to ignore you, partially at least, and became awkward. like…scott pilgrim-level awkward. it’s weird since wallace has always been known to be the complete opposite of his ex-roommate. he’s very easy going, calm, and the voice of reason to many.
• he’s a flirt too. so, why are you having this effect on him? he just couldn’t understand why he suddenly became a bumbling idiot.
• you were worried that you did something to push wallace away, but all your questions were answered when you returned one night to find that he left a drunken message in your answering machine.
— “hey, you know, hic, i've been thinkin', like, a lot. (long pause) and, um, i just wanna say, you're, like, really somethin' special, ya know? (slight slur) i feel all mushy and stuff, but yeah, i kinda, sorta...love you, maybe? (awkward pause) yeah, that's it. hic”
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The Seven Evil Exes: Would I date them?
Ranked by a professional man lover and woman respecter
I will be ranking from least dateable to most dateable (personality, looks, et cetera). These are only my opinions pls do not hate bro.
7. Gideon Graves (Gordon Goose)
He is a textbook male manipulator. I do not trust him with any of my emotions. I do not like him. He would literally chip me. ew ew ew.
6 and 5. The Twins
I literally have no opinions on them. I’m pretty sure they’re pedos tho so i’m not into that.
4. Matthew Patel
I just don’t find him attractive. He is quite dorky and I go for a more sophisticated man- ykwim (Wallace Wells). I do appreciate his love for the theatre and beating people up, this is always good in a man. I appreciate a thespian from time to time. I just don’t see myself dating him now- maybe when I was 12 and discord dating was a thing.
3. Roxie Richter
I may be gay but I know an attractive woman when I see one. She would treat me right and I would treat her right. 10/10 woman, Ramona did her dirty. Let’s go lesbians.
2. Lucas Lee
First of all he’s really hot. Also he’s funny. I like a himbo. I enjoy a good himbo. I suspect he would treat me like shit but it’s fine. He’s hot.
1. Todd Ingram
He is literally so fine. I love a man who plays an instrument. He would be obsessed with me. He also has a nice personality, and I like the whole aesthetic he has going on bro. I just really appreciate him.
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