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kxowledge · 2 months

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I thought I’d be more anxious about the whole PhD applications process. I am not. I am actually very much fine with the prospect of not getting in. Partially, it’s because I have only applied here, which means that, if rejected, I still can apply to many other places & equally that I haven’t gotten a string of rejections, which perhaps would have tugged at my self-esteem. Partially though, it’s because I’m fine with the idea of not doing a PhD.

It's not because I don’t want to do one – I think this sort of career would suit me very well! – but at the end of the day, it’s a job like any other. I’ve always known that I could have gone for something else and be okay, but now this doesn’t feel like a second choice imposed upon me. If academia isn’t for me, I can perhaps think of doing something else that’s completely different – something that could help with the lack of meaning I feel at the moment. I don’t have clear plans, I’ll decide when it comes to it, but there’s many opportunities I’d consider. There’s three-four I keep circling back to, around agroecology, teaching, and more directly helping others. I would still apply next year (and possibly another cycle as well) before giving up, but I wouldn’t be too upset if it doesn’t work out.

I have the second and final interview next week. And I’m very calm about it. Confident in my abilities and confident that I’ll be happy no matter what awaits me in the future.

I did a tarot reading two days before my first interview. Three cards popped out. The Tower – representing a surprising change – is very fitting. It’s an invitation to embrace it and look at it in a positive light, which I think is the attitude I have going forwards, no matter what this change will entail. Looking at the card, I also thought of “bad” habits I’m trying to get rid of. It also indicates a revelation, and I must say, I am going through a period of realization, understanding more and more what’s important to me: human connection. This means love and helping others and so much more. The Eigth of Cups signals a similar direction: the seeking of a deeper meaning, focusing on my personal truth and concentrating on what is important. It also speaks about growing weary and lacking energy, which is very much the condition I find myself in. Not emotionally, but physically. Allow me a small parenthesis about this.

It has been almost a year since I started feeling this way. ["This way" being fatigued, often with a low-grade fever, stomach pain, exhaustion after very little activity, frequent headaches, little appetite, nausea]. I thought what I was experiencing was burnout. August is when things got worse – surely triggered by the bacterial infection I got in India. I thought I had started making progress towards the end of 2023, but then I got Covid (again) and it all went downhill. It is entirely possible that this is long Covid. It could be something else. It could be nothing. I haven’t seen a doctor about this. I mentioned it in my last visit and it got dismissed. I will go in the next few weeks for another visit, as I promised my dear ones. I don’t have much faith however in the doctors’ ability to do something. Especially if it is long Covid, there really aren’t recommendations and treatments in place (though research is underway).

I haven’t been fully transparent with my family about the extent of how fatigued and sick I am, though they know I’m not in top shape. My boyfriend on the other hand is similarly worried (but hasn’t gone down the spiral of googling what specific types of illness it can be). I am too. It feels like something serious. And it’s so much pain that the other day I actually thought that I don’t think it would be worth living like this. I hadn’t had this sort of thoughts for a long time. I’ve been trying to manage my energy more and I might share bits of this journey here, as perhaps they might be helpful for someone else too.

Finally, the Emperor. Structure, which is what I need for growth. An order and sound principles. The way forward.

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learningnewways · 2 years

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Day 5 & 6

Well everyone, your prayers worked! I’ve been feeling much better these past few days as I have gotten into a bit more of a routine and know what I’m doing here, sort of! There has been no thunder and lightning for awhile too which helps tremendously. It is still very hard to sleep with power often out overnight and very high temperatures and humidity, so still trying to figure that out.

The past two days I’ve been in the library again, working with students. Marian doesn’t tell me what to do, I just turn up and set work for the kids. I typically do English in the morning and Maths in the afternoon. I love Maths so it gives me something to look forward to. I love giving the kids hard Maths questions, watching them struggle, talking them through how to do it, then watching them light up when they figure it out. Confidence is key! I love seeing them smile and giving them high fives as a reward. Even the older kids love it.

The library is just a ten second walk from my place, it’s right next door on the same compound, so I’m not exactly getting much exercise... I really should be going for more walks or trying to run or something, but it’s just so hot! I don’t know how anyone would work out in this heat... I sweat constantly when I’m just sitting down doing nothing! I can’t stress enough just how hot and humid it is here. I used to live in Singapore where it is also hot and humid, but I don’t think it was this humid or stinky... Like that muggy, everything smells damp and mouldy type smell... Singapore was cleaner, obviously. But I have a terrible sense of smell, so if I can smell it, it must be bad! It doesn’t help that we have to keep buckets of water lying around the place for when the power goes out...

I don’t have much to say about the past two days really. Just been doing lots of sleeping (or trying to sleep), eating, teaching, sweating, eating, messaging friends back home, reading, teaching, eating, sweating and sleeping. That’s my typical day! I usually reply to a few messages a day from people back home, but the internet is sadly too terrible for calls of any sort. They just drop out constantly. Even my data drops out when I try to use that... But, I am super grateful for being able to communicate regularly with friends and family back home via messages. I don’t think I could cope for 12 weeks without them!

Anyway, not much to say, but I am doing much better. I’m still not bouncing off the walls just totally stoked to be here. I still would rather be home. I still haven’t had any big God moments. I still haven’t ventured out on my own anywhere or seen any part of The Gambia that’s not within a five minute from my compound. But it is also only my first week here, so I’m trying to cut myself some slack. My focus is to eat as healthily as I can, drink plenty of water, rest and spend time with God, because I can imagine it’d be very easy to get sick in the first few weeks of being here. I’d love to go exploring and see more of the country, but I don’t want to do it alone. I know I’m safe, but I still don’t feel completely safe, particularly when I’m out and about. Hopefully this weekend I can find a church to go to or something. I am really missing my Christian community connections.

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anthonysstupiddailyblog · 3 months

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Anthony's Stupid Daily Blog (668): Sun 14th Jan 2024

It was very cloudy today so I’m glad that I timed this holiday so that today was when I’d be going home. The weather forecast also said that the rest of the week would be fairly cloudy too so if I’d have booked to come here next week instead of this week then I would have been incredibly pissed off and some shit would have definitely gotten smashed in this hotel. I’ve listened to the entire run of the Ian Boldsworth / Barry Dodds podcast Ideas Man and it’s been the perfect accompaniment to a week in the sun. I'm sad that these two great comics don't together anymore but I understand their desire to go off and do other things separately plus they gave us thirty episodes of The Parapod and thirty five episodes of Ideas Man so fans weren't exactly starved for content. My personal highlight from the podcast is in the episode where Barry pitches his idea for "The Fifteen Minute Warning" where he details what he would do in the event of an announcement being made that the world will end in fifteen minutes which is so staggeringly insane that it has to be heard to be believed. This week away sunning and surfing is exactly what I needed to get over the six weeks of overtime I had to do in the run up to Christmas (actually that’s not quite true, what I exactly needed was to not be forced into doing six weeks of fucking overtime). I didn't do as much surfing as I planned to but I think I also discovered that it might be for the best if I just teach myself how to do it once the warmer weather comes along because trying to learn while there's twenty other people trying to learn at the same time and the instructor is struggling to keep track of each surfer's individual progress can be tiresome. I’ve also managed to finish two books for my Edgar Challenge during this trip: Mr Mercedes by Stephen King and Let Me Die In His Footsteps by Lori Roy. Mr Mercedes was awesome but Let Me Die was dull as shitwater. I really wish that I’d brought the next book in the challenge Before the Fall by Noah Hawley so I could’ve started reading it today and potentially finished it by the time I got home. Next time I come here I want to be in much better shape and be more confident at talking to women so I've got a better chance of making the acquaintance of some hot chicks (and since my neck is feeling a lot better I think I'll be going back to jiu jitsu soon which will definitely aid me in my quest to get a better, slimmer body).

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redbayly · 10 months

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Hey, guys. I normally try to live free of drama, but drama sometimes just catches up to me. In the last 24 hours, someone started leaving some really rude reviews on one of my most popular fanfics on Fanfiction.net. Now, this is not something new. Despite how well-liked this particular fic is and how many wonderful, kind, and thoughtful reviews I’ve gotten, the nasty ones stand out.

These latest reviews were, by no means, the worst I’ve ever gotten. I once had someone spam me with some of the vilest, most disgusting insults and threats I have ever seen. What set these reviews apart is that they wrote them under their own account. Normally, these guys like to post their nastiness under the anon/guest heading, so it’s fairly simple to just delete them. Not so when posted under an account.

The messages, as I said, were initially just rude. Insulting my OCs (who were basically just background extras) and just generally not contributing any critique of substance on this roughly ten-year-old fanfic. They then left one neutral comment and then one actually kind of nice comment, but then completely shifted into saying I was making “stupid decisions” and that I was “going to destroy everyone’s character” before saying they were dropping the fic.

They then wrapped it up by telling me to kill myself.

This is the first time I have ever had to report abuse. Again, I normally just delete anything hateful or rude because it’s usually anonymous, but I couldn’t do that here.

What’s more, no one ever, EVER, has any business telling someone to kill themselves. Not only is it incomprehensibly cruel, it is actually illegal to do online. I told my father (a retired lawyer) about what had happened and he said, “Yeah, no, they can’t do that, it’s a federal crime. If Fanfiction doesn’t do anything about it, that is a liability to them.” So I’m fairly confident that there will be some consequences for this person’s atrocious behavior.

Thing is, though, I’m not even angry about it. I’m just really disappointed that someone feels that it is acceptable to say such things to a stranger online. I had sent a couple PMs to them before I reported them, but got no response. I really do wonder what is so messed up in their life that they didn’t see what they were doing as wrong. The gentler, more nurturing side of me really wants to sit down with this person and ask if they are okay.

I recently applied for a teaching job (English) and one of the things I’d like to do, if I get it, is teach my students about how to give good critique. I’ve seen too much toxic stuff online and I feel the best way to combat it is by teaching young people how to express their opinions on other people’s work in ways that are constructive and healthy. Part of the problem with reviewers like the one I dealt with, I think, is that they weren’t taught that disliking something doesn’t give you the right to be abusive. And that is something that needs to be learned as soon as possible.

All in all, though, despite how that person treated me, I just feel sorry for them. It doesn’t matter to me that they hated my fic. If I’m totally honest, I’ve fallen out of love with that fic, myself. But the amount of anger that has to exist inside of someone for them to tell another human being to kill themselves (over a crappy, old crackfic at that) speaks volumes about what kind of a place they are at in their life. I only hope they find better outlets for that anger than leaving comments like those. I have had some problems with mental health and suicidal thoughts in the past, so telling me to kill myself really strikes at a sore spot. However, I was able to take it in stride and, while it will definitely linger for a while, I will be able to move on.

What worries me most is that they might say something like that to someone who can’t move on. And that could have far more serious consequences.

#redbayly's life #tw: suicide #suicide mention #cyberbullying #fanfiction

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yourcaramelfairy · 11 months

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I wrote this back when I was still teaching. I have never been one to stress eat, I usually shy away from food when I’m stressed or anxious. Which, unfortunately, as much as I truly did love teaching, my body was always in a state of stress.

I came back from summer 2021, very much underweight and still losing weight. At almost 30, I weighed what I did in high school, without even trying.

It’s wild how people in this country, see a skinny person, and automatically assume that they are healthier than the next person. Definitely wasn’t what was happening for me and I was over self conscious.

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I share all of this because I started therapy when I started my new job, mostly to help me gain my confidence back. And, up until this week, that I’ve been spending at home in New Orleans, I was still missing the body confidence. But, with the amount of compliments I’ve gotten on my HEALTHY body have been overwhelming.

Even more hilarious, is while I was still living here, I always joked saying “I can’t wait until I get my adult body”. So keep working on bettering yourself, but also, bask in compliments that are meant to uplift you 🙏🏾 This is the least self conscious I’ve felt since I was in middle school. And, I’m blessed to be at a place where I can reflect and say “Bitch! You’re doing the damn thing!”

My weight

I wasn’t self conscious about my body until people started to commenting on my appearance. All that I’ve done was get off of birth control and rid my body of all the extra hormones that it added. Then, I started working on my own happiness. I don’t workout and I’m not super active outside of walking my dog 3 times a day. Unless you count the afternoons when I get back from work, turn on my music, and dance the stress of the day away until I’m ready to sit down.

I never wanted to lose weight, it wasn’t on my list of things to do, it just happened. I liked my size and my weight. I liked having an ass and filling out my clothes. But, don’t get me wrong, when I started to see definition in my waist, I was a little hype because it’s something I’d never seen. But outside of that I loved me.

Once I realized that I was still losing weight, regardless of how much I was eating, I just embraced it. Because what else could I do. I wasn’t going to start eating more, I was already eating until I was full at each meal. I’m not big on sweets or soda, so I wasn’t going to add those in to add more meat to my bones. I just decided that I was going to continue to love me, because I still felt happy. I wasn’t having manic depressive episodes, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts, I wasn’t feeling the need to harm myself. I was at peace.

But of course that could only last for but so long. I started receiving more and more comments on my weight/size from coworkers, family and friends. Even regular followers were messaging me asking me what I had done to lose the weight. And, my answer of getting off birth control wasn’t hitting with people. Then, more questions came, are you eating? Are you working out a lot? Are you depressed? Is it work?

Yes, I’m eating. I even started making it a point to eat lunch at work even when I didn’t have the time. No, I’m not working out in the traditional sense, just my afternoons of dance and daily walks with Fez. No, I wasn’t as depressed as I usually was, I was actually finding peace in life. No, it wasn’t work because regardless of how stressful it was, I was making more friends and getting out more.

However, as more people keep commenting and asking and joking about MY body, my mental state has been slipping. It’s starting to feel like something really is wrong with me, even though I don’t feel like I’m sick or unhealthy. I still feel physically strong, but mentally I’m drowning. I want to love myself again, but it’s becoming increasingly hard with everyone around me chiming in about MY appearance.

You would think that it would be easy to ignore the outside commentary. But, when you’ve always felt self conscious about your body, it’s easy to fall back into the negative. Hopefully it won’t take as long to dig my way out this time…

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ahmumbles · 1 year

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Check-in from Nam

Hey, it’s me. Or you. We both know who this is.

It’s been a while... it’s been a long, long while since I’ve spoken to you like this. I used to write so much in Barcelona, especially in the beginning years, and now it’s been several years since then, since I’ve gotten lost in life’s tornado and haven’t been able to keep up with myself. Sometimes enjoying and just being, sometimes so swept away with to-do lists and organizing and endless bullet points in my notes app- organizing, decluttering, rearranging, figuring out, settling down, getting back up, moving, wondering, thinking, sighing, zoning out

Today it is April 11, 2023.

I am currently in Hanoi, Vietnam. It’s been about 8 months since I’ve moved here.

26 was a year of Atlanta (and working at my parent’s place and struggling with old, way-too-familiar family pains, hating working, seeing old faces, being home) with a gap in Europe (revisiting my second home of Barcelona, housesitting with Tom in stunning Lake Como, celebrating Claire’s birthday in Bosnia, staying at Laurine’s in London and Steph visiting, a wild Berlin adventure with the boys).

27 was moving with hopes, curiosity, culture shock, learning, absorbing, and loneliness. So much, so much loneliness. Feeling like 22 again when I first moved to Barcelona. Without the escape of a beach, without the freedom of breezy night walks, without sun-kissed smiling beautiful people everywhere, without looking up at the architecture in awe, without the bustling youth and energy. Hanoi has been quite the experience. I’ve undoubtedly learned so many new things- how to ride a motorbike, living by myself for the first time, teaching at a public school, Vietnamese culture, breaking out for the first time in my life, the effects of pollution, realizing that the glitz n glamour of a developing country is not what I had imagined. In many ways, it has drained me. But in other ways, it has solidified for me what I want, like, tolerate, and anticipate. The people I want to be around. The environments I feel comfortable in. Boundaries. Self-awareness. It has taught me a lot in those fields. I feel... older. I really do. I feel (and look) like I’m in my late 20s. Like all those years of reckless behavior and confused thoughts, although still not completely gone, have definitely subsided as I’ve gotten to understand myself better.

My energy has calmed down a lot. I no longer, truly no longer, have the energy to put up with many new faces. New personalities and same conversations about useless shit I don’t give a fuck about. And although I am leaving, I’m glad that I’ve given this place a try. I now realize that I should visit a city before packing up all my shit and moving there (ha). I also realize that at this moment in my life, in my final 20s, I don’t want to struggle anymore. I do eventually want to settle, and so during these final years, I want to cherish my life in places that inspire me, motivate me, and keep me evolving in the most positive way. I don’t have the time nor the patience to ‘just go along with it a bit more’ or ‘see where it goes’. I feel a lot more confident in decision-making, something that I so lacked in my earlier years. I’m glad I can say this about myself, because I don’t think I could’ve just a few years back.

Although I am realizing there are some things I do genuinely enjoy: skating on a smooth wide ground, making ceramics n all the endless ideas of trinkets for home decor, tattooing a sick design I really love, a fucking good book I can’t put down, a movie that slams your heart, actually good clean coffee, going to the cinema alone with butter popcorn, traveling to a new city (alone or with someone I love), seeing landscapes that make me feel so small and insignificant,

I haven’t had the.., no I’ve had the time, just not the motivation to really pursue these loves of mine this (almost) past year (or more). I think because I’ve decided that this place isn’t for me, I’ve kind of just given up on doing anything about it until I leave. Sometimes I wonder if Haerin is right, if I just keep running away from things, or, on the flip-side, I just chase what I want and won’t put up with something I no longer care for.

Some things on my mind though, that’s actually what prompted me to start this post, are the following:

- I am, and have always been, so good at being alone. Being alone, doing nothing. Lockdown in 2020 obviously came with its difficulties, but it was also one of the only times in my entire life that I was able to be still. And I love being still. Just like in Lake Como. I need these moments of just being still, not thinking, not watching anything, not even sleeping, just moments to be blank and I feel those moments recharge me more than any activity ever could.

- I am also still my own torturer. I love hating myself. I love criticizing myself. And I still love overthinking things. To be fair, I have numbed out a lot, maybe since I moved to Hanoi, but I still get these waves of emptiness and sadness, with such intensity, but it doesn’t even bother me anymore. I’ve realized that that side of me is just part of me, and I’m working on not getting rid it, but of accepting it and learning how to work with it. I think that breakdown on shrooms when I had Covid in Atlanta after Cancun in August 2022 was what I needed for a very long time. I cried more than I had in many years combined. Rivers of sadness, mostly stemming from my family, mostly about my brother, just pouring out of me, shriveling me up. I needed that. It broke me.

- I’m learning about love. Aran was my first boyfriend, my first everything, the one who spoiled me silly and made me feel butterflies and a perfect introduction to relationships as I started my 20s. Ferran was my bridge between being a young girl to a maturing woman and my best friend, made me laugh more than anyone, especially in the beginning, but also showed me what I don’t want in any future relationships, especially towards the end. Tom was the unexpected curveball that’s taught me the messiness of ‘relationships’, non-labeling labels, a comfort space that I pried open and snuggled myself into, the calm, level-headed situationship that I started to feel myself maturing in and making me question what it is I want in love and who I want to love and how I can love someone the best I can. A rooted yet emotional person that’s taught me about communication which has been one of my biggest downfalls throughout my entire life.

- I don’t know where I am at life at the moment. I’m 27, 28 in a few months, and although I’ve been enjoying that each year in my 20s have counted for something and that age is just a number, especially nowadays, for some reason 30 still scares the absolute shit out of me. It looks old. It sounds old. It feels heavy. I’m not ready to approach it. I feel a giant weight that I need to start providing for my parents soon, finally, after all their years of slaving away. I want to help my mom, so much, it feels like my heart is physically breaking when I think about her aging and still working and her body breaking down and me being across the country. Their house got broken into recently and they took all her bags, cash, gold, and most importantly- the hand-me-down jewelry she’s been saving to give to me since I was young. Always reminding me that she’ll give me this necklace and this pair of earrings in a few years. Just a bit more. And some bastards took all of that away from a woman that never splurged on herself. That never cared for herself the way she’s always deserved to be cared for, since her birth.

- I don’t know how I’m going to provide for my parents. I don’t know how I’m going to buy a house, buy furniture, buy kitchen appliances, buy a car or bike, grow my savings, start a retirement fund, or any of that adult shit when I don’t even know if I want to be a teacher anymore. I’ve been so drained with teaching, especially after a long-break of working at my parent’s place in between, and the middle schoolers in Hanoi have been a nightmare for me. Enough to make me start to hate teaching. To feel like it’s useless. I don’t feel respected, I don’t feel inspired, I don’t feel patient, loving, empathetic, accepting, or any of those magical emotions that I felt before and thought I’d always feel when it came to teaching. This might be the first time in my life since I was young that I’ve really started to question my career choice. And it’s not good for someone like me who has always prided herself in being rock-solid in this aspect of my life.

- I’m definitely coming to deeper terms with what friendship means to me. My Atlanta girls are still and probably, hopefully, will always be my roots. Haerin, Stephanie, Chanell, Julie. Even Jaehee and Christine and Joanna. My Barcelona friends have definitely floated away a bit- Jess, Claire, Leo, Dan, Laurine, Liam, but they still hold a special place in my heart and I know we will always cherish each other whenever we do reunite. But I’m realizing that these friends I have, they’re enough. I don’t really want anymore. I don’t want to go through the hassle of making new friends in each new city I move to, but I know that I have to, because I am still human. And as stubborn and detached as I can be, I know that sometimes loneliness aches me to the core and I lose sight of joy, laughter, acceptance, and a feeling of warmth.

- I hope Japan works out, and I don’t expect that my life will drastically change where I’m all of a sudden happy and full of spirit. But I hope that I am inspired in a bigger city, that even if I am alone, at least I am in the #1 country that sees beauty in being alone, and I know that I will evolve even more there. In its own inevitable way.

These are a few things that’s been on my mind, in the most condensed way possible. Skipping so many single moments that have weighed heavy on me up to this point. But I guess that’s life. Every day, every moment, may feel so big, but time never stops, and eventually it’s been a week, then two, then a few months, and when you look back, some of those moments are just flashbacks in your mind, and you forget. You block it out. Your other moments over power those moments.

Well Ange, I want you to know that the Ange right now, in this moment, is feeling lonely. Feeling sad about Tom. Feeling disheartened with teaching. Feeling sorry for myself. But also in its own way, enjoying this time alone. She’s feeling confused. She’s continuing with her weekly lists, finishing them one by one, making new ones, never-ending hamster ball of her brain... feeling like having control of the little things in her life will make her feel like life is okay. And I’m not so sure it is.

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zephiesjournal · 2 years

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thursday, september 29th, 2022

i guess i’ve gotten into the habit of whenever i have to start writing my journal just spending 20 minutes looking at black cats instead. i downloaded tiktok and it’s a nightmare but some of the videos on there have black cats in them. i want some kind of thing to be responsible for so i’m looking into houseplants again, i always wanted to grow them from a seed to be with them the whole journey but i guess that’s not viable. planning on hitting up a plant store sometime in the next week and totally engreenifying my apartment.

hard to tell if i’m making much progress staying relaxed with a finger in me, i’m gonna switch back to the wand because being able to feel Things with my finger just makes me squeamish and has me tensing up a bit more. though it would be easier since i pretty much have a finger at least a little in me every day so i’ve grown receptive but ouugh.

made a little progress being able to hit a D chord on guitar i thiiink. i’m mostly trying to speed up developing calluses and just kinda bullying my fingertips. i do still get very worried about technique and bad habits and need more reassurance that it is feasible to self-teach guitar unlike what i always heard with piano. man remember my piano. my excuse is waiting for rocksmith+ to add piano stuff for now.

i have a rough full-maybe-properly-separated-body live2D model i’m using to get the basics of the program down. i started watching tutorials just to make sure i have some semblance of an idea of what i’m doing with it and anything i’d need to make sure of when drawing. i got irritable while watching them though and for some reason decided to make that even worse. i don’t know dude i couldn’t count on 1000 hands how many times i’ve said that’s enough i need some kind of weirdo reddit program to help me that doesn’t have too much to do with gaining confidence and levitation or whatever.

started scrobbling again because i love to embarrass myself. every time i’ve made a last.fm account i let it affect what i decide to listen to far too much, but it’s supposed to accurately reflect my listening habits and if my listening habits are to listen to the same zebrahead songs ten times a day then it should reflect that obviously. i wish you could hide all-time stats that’s my biggest issue really. was still in discomfort late at night so took that as motivation to read then very quickly realized i had no time, only barely had time to let my stomach settle while getting the final balanced diet stretch in, and still went to bed a little late.

#september 2022

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breakingbadandboujie · 2 years

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i have a date on saturday. i’m not particularly excited to go on it, if i’m being honest. it’s not that i don’t want to go on the date, i definitely do. but right now it’s not the usual “pre-date anxiety” that i’m used to feeling any other time.

i didn’t feel it very much on the first date either, now that i think about it. i think that’s a good thing. before i would worry myself so much about whether everything was perfect, if i looked like what they’d want me to, if they’d like me as much as i did. i guess now i have come to the realization that if she didn’t want to continue talking to me, she wouldn’t have. If she didn’t want to get to know me in person, she would’ve declined the first date. If the date didn’t go well, it wouldn’t have been the end of the world. If she didn’t want to go on a second date, she wouldn’t have said yes.

my two friends, who i introduced to each other and are now a couple, had pointed something out to me a few weeks ago about this. they said that i came up in their conversation. they talked about how i don’t have much confidence when dating and i don’t want to ask for as much as i give to the other person. they said because i’m a good person i deserve that reciprocation. it threw me off because i know it’s true. i did tell them they’re right. in the back of my mind i have had the thought that i want to get out of that cycle of feelings bc i know it directly comes from being emotionally abused and living in a dv household for a while. you try to outrun those patterns, but trauma can really make you blow up your own life. admittedly, i’ve been in a relationship with an emotionally draining person before, and i have been that person in a relationship before; i’ve made the effort to not be that person again by getting help. i never want to be that person again. since i’ve gotten better, i know there’s no rationality to talking myself out of happiness, but i’ve done it so much that it’s become normal. i really like this girl, i know she likes me, and it seems like we both just want to hang out and get to know each other more. i’m kinda scared to open up, but i know not putting so much pressure on myself to make it all work is the first sign of things aligning for the better.

aside from any feelings of anxiety, i know i’ve been feeling depressed lately. just a mix of school starting again and my best friend’s mom passing away after battling cancer. seeing her in hospice was very heart wrenching and i know my friend is having a hard time right now. while in the car to her mom’s service she made the joke that she’d never thought out of all things to have in common with a friend it’d be that she’d lost a parent while young.

it’s a very weird thing to be going through again, because her mom very much was a second mother to me. i think because it was a more prolonged grief this time; we knew once she was diagnosed she’d only have so much time left. people with my dad’s condition can live all the way into their 80s before having fatal complications. it’s just a sign of time not being guaranteed. my main problems are i keep getting these overwhelming waves of sadness and i haven’t been sleeping right. it’s messing with me a little bit. i don’t want to oversleep and miss my dental cleaning tomorrow. i’m going back to work soon and i don’t want it to effect me in the money making department. i have to get a car eventually.

for now i just need to allow myself to hurt. my mom is being very generous and gives me hugs whenever i ask. she knows i need them if i ask. what’s made me feel good is that i crocheted my cat a blanket and she loves it. my best friend’s mom could never teach me how to crochet wherever she tried. i just couldn’t get it, and i suddenly know how to now. i’d like to think she gave me the stillness of mind long enough to just let instinct take over. now i’m making a blanket to send my grandma. it’s halfway done. i’m going to keep crocheting to feel closer to my friend’s mom and to give my mind a break.

that’s all for now i guess

#lesbian ❤️🧡🤍💗🤎#dating adventures 🌹#life upd8 🫥#grief 🥀❤️‍🩹

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darkhalo4321 · 2 years

Text

A vent/rant Journal. It’s really long, so don’t read unless you feel like it I guess?

I have SO MUCH ANXIETY- I know things will be fine. I am kicking myself for being anxious about something so minor. And I know anxious people are most frustrated with themselves because we know our fears are ridiculous.

I have a dentist appointment today for a cleaning and exam. I had an emergency one monday because I chipped a tooth. I’m nervous about how many more teeth I have that are in bad condition. It’s nothing I can change, but the unknown is making me shaky and anxious. There is also a lot of wildfire smoke and that’s probably not helping. Not that I’m anxious about that, but the smoke can cause issues like that to rise up. I guess I wish my mom was more present in making us do things as kids. She likes to say she was, but in reality things she did were only done for a couple months until something minor derailed it and then it just was too exhausting for her. So, for example. We were at one point all to take turns cooking dinner once a week. This was to teach us how to cook etc. I know I took it pretty seriously because I know a lot about how to cook food on the stove and what not, but I ask a lot of questions and I seek confirmation constantly, so my confidence at new things is low until I’ve gotten enough confirmation that what I’m doing is fine. My younger sister... I don’t know if she ever even did it. She’s admittedly lazy and wiggled her way out of it and now regrets it because she doesn’t know how to cook much on a stove outside of boiling water for mac and cheese. This lasted for a few months until my mom was tired of having to take time out to do it because the idea was to get us in a groove to take over doing it for her. Which is kind of what weekly chores were- Get the kids in a groove to take over the housework and she could have more time to read or write her pen pals and watch her soaps. Like, I am not upset over learning how to clean house on a regular schedule or cook, but this is a pattern my mom has. She used to be cool with friends coming over, was that mom that picked up the kids and took them home and I remember as a small small child how my older sisters always had friends that were over and got to go to friend’s and stuff, but when I got to that age, it was not the same. My mom always asked if I had a ride which meant she wasn’t going to drive me so their parents better be picking me up and dropping me off because we weren’t allowed to sleep over at anyone’s houses anymore because lice was a thing and she was tired of dealing with it. I never wanted to be a burden to my friends so I never got to hang out with them and I’m not surprised that they didn’t invite me to anything. She had hoped that my oldest sister would be the one carting us to and from places once she could drive, but she got a job and was like never home. I vaguely remember her presence at home other than a few small incidents while being baby sat, but like other than that, she was just gone all the time. I don’t hate my mom or my dad for anything. My mom was basically raising us as a single mom because my dad worked out of town a lot to make ends meet. They both came from poor families, and both of them felt strife in some way with their family dynamics. My mom’s mother told her that when she was pregnant with my mom she tried hopping down stairs to miscarry because it was embarrassing to be pregnant in your 40′s and it hurt my mom a lot. My dad’s father got into a nasty divorce and their second stepmom liked trying to pit the kids all against each other and his mom’s new husband was an abusive alcoholic. Both of them have trauma, not that they’d ever admit that it was that, and it shaped how they move through the world. They are very avoidant of things until it’s pressing and I learned how to navigate life like that because that’s how we operate. We push through pain and keep going. My mom has migraines but hated how her sister would waste her days in a dark room away, so my mom pushed through the pain to live her life because she didn’t want to feel helpless. My dad had to be somewhat self sufficient because he couldn’t rely on the adults in his life to help him, and so he pushed through pain to get things done and it’s costing him now. When I learned to drive, I didn’t have a car to drive. Both my older sisters got a dedicated car for them to drive, but the car I was suppose to get I didn’t get fully until I was like 19 going to college and then it broke down a year later with transmission issues. We used that car for a family car for years and years and years before I got it and I didn’t even know it was suppose to be my car until my mom had acquired something else. Like, I didn’t get it until she had something else, but even then it wasn’t truly mine because they would take it in place of the new to them car because it was the better car at the time. So, I’m 16, can drive, but not allowed to borrow the car unless I have gas money, but can’t get money without job, but can’t get job without car- Also moved to the middle of nowhere so driving was my only way of getting a job and the only ONLY place in walking distance would not hire me no matter how hard I tried. AH but I got to drive when it came to my youngest adopted sister wanting to go to friend’s house. Suddenly it was “Your sister can take you!” And I was grumpy about it most times, but... I’m thankful I was compliant enough to ensure she wouldn’t have the social awkwardness I have because damn, I feel like not getting to experience things like sleepovers with friends and stuff has really just left a hole in me. The first real fun sleepover that I can say was a REAL sleep over I had in 2021 when I went to my friend’s house up north so we could get a good head start to the coast. It was so much fun, and I was like “this is what I wanted in high school... This is the thing I wanted to do” Because I’m actually very very very extroverted, and my parents are very very very very NOT. Anyways- That’s my current state of affairs... I feel kind of better typing out things that weigh on my mind. I’m not mad or upset with my parents or my sisters- and if they read this I do not want them to feel like I am. I wish I could have felt more confident in vocalizing my needs as a kid because maybe if I had told my mom I wanted her to drive me to a friend’s house, or tried holding her accountable to her words- maybe things would be different? Nothing I can change now, but it helps to know and understand why people react and behave like they do. It doesn’t make their actions any better or worse, but it does help one realize that they are broken people who don’t have the tools to navigate their traumas in a healthy way. Anyways, I’m thankful for the job I have now, and I’m thankful for the friends I have in my life now and I’m taking steps to get my teeth and health all good to go, and that’s important. I don’t want to put these things off anymore because my parents do that and I’m seeing how that doesn’t really help things in the long run. And in case you read this long rant of mine Penny, sister dear, My memories of you are the fond ones, where you took us to hot cocoa before school, and when I see the fog lifting off the fields it makes me think of those times. I remember you teaching us how to color waterfalls with colored pencils. The memories of when you told me that it was better to be honest about doing something wrong than to run and hide because I accidentally broke a vase and ran and hid under my bed. You were worried I was hurt. I don’t want anyone to walk away feeling like I’m upset. Things happen the way they do, not much I can change about that- I wish things could be different. I often wonder what path I would be on right now if they were, but it’s futile to think about because it’s not realistic to dwell on. I can’t change it. There is no isekai other world, there is no jumping back in time to try again. It’s not possible. Just gotta hold out hope for the future and hope I’m around to benefit from the advancements.

#I wish my parents would have been better while I was growing up #not in the sense of like better people but less tired #I'm the middle child of 5 #so by the time my mom was raising the rest of us she was already spent #and my dad was out of town working so he wasn't there #We weren't watched much and basically neighborhood bound #my mom also lost a LOT of energy once her dad got sick with cancer #so pretty much everything stopped and after he died it was like a FULL STOP #She was depressed but would never admit it #instead they bought a piece of property and went into big debt instead of getting out of debt #then the recession hit #and #yeah #don't run from your problems #don't buy property without thinking 10 years ahead

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babysxbreathe · 2 years

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Clearly, i love deeply. Unapologetically. Loud and proud.

I cant sleep right now. I had a dream about Ricky last night and ive just had a ton of them recently with him so i’ve got to thinking all day today on it. I dont want to reach out because i dont wanna do what he did to me when he messaged Fran on separate occasions and i found out about.

I remember he would tell me ‘’he didn’t” and that he got hacked and all these other bullshit lies 😒 so i totally stopped trusting him. And in a lot of ways I know I didnt provide a safe space for him to tell me the truth. We were also kids. But i know he had a good ass heart. My family loved him and to this day my grandpa asks about him and where he went 🙄. But yeah. If he’s still with the girl he left me for then i have no intention of messaging him again. I dont wanna disrespect her and cross any lines. But i do hope one say we have that conversation. Especially since he didnt even face me when he broke up with me. I think i got ptsd from that relationshp but ive learned a lot from it.

He taught me love. Like that was my first love. First EVERYTHING. I think i still have the note of our “first underwater kiss” lmao we were so toxic jesus christ. On and off on and off. From that relationship i learned that im huge on honesty. Its the biggest thing i look for in a person. Also, he was able to provide what i want in a relationship like being shown off and being protected and he was very secure about himself. Like he NEVER told me he thought he looked ugly. He had this confidence that i always wanted (and now i do have) he got along with all types of people and didnt give a fuck about what others thought of him. He just wanted to live life and love hard.

Those are the exact types of people i surround myself with now a days anyway. I finally got to that level but i know i can still improve and continue to tweak things out so im proud of myself of how far ive come.

Enzo…. Honestly my dude, u didnt teach me MUCH except like knowing how it felt to have someone being needy and love bomby too soon and why its a red flag. Im sure you’ve gotten better now that you’re married and i def wish you the best but i dont think i was ready for a relationship with you at the time lol. Im sure theres a few more but our relationship didnt impact me till you gave me herpes and told me i probably got it from Ricky 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Jose. This one is very much still fresh. I have love for you, but i dont love you. Im sorry i tried to change you. You’re not a project but i was very much correct to have broken up with you in the first place and i wish i stayed broken up with you so this second ending wouldnt have been so intense as it was. I think during the first breakup, i was just depressed. My body and mind really only saw the good in you because we were friends for so long first. And now i look back and i wouldnt even want a friend like you. Not because you arent funny and cool to hang out with but your priorities are so out of wack. With the whole Sam Claudia and Hillary situation like i feel compelled to say that i genuinely believe you’re going about it the wrong way. I think you were so polar opposite to ricky that i thought it would help make me feel like you can help me fix myself. But we just were not compatible in any way shape or form.

I thought you were quiet because you were respectful, turns out you just dont know how to communicate or confront people correctly. You did teach me patience. You gave me the opportunity to learn who i was and what i want and what i need and require from people and helped be there for me and gave me the push to go to therapy. Now that ive been going to therapy for over a year, im so happy that i found myself. I sometime miss you, i cant lie. But your friends arent all great people, you guys always have some drama going around and you don’t have boundaries. You’re very much a people pleaser but i guess i was like that too before therapy. We def mirrored each other a lot until i started going to therapy and then i felt like i was trying to carry you ahead with me hut you decided to stay behind. I hate how you would disrespect me when you were mad, how petty you got and how when you were angry you would give me sarcasm and raise your voice. I hate that you would stop talking to me for hours on end during these times when communication was needed the most. I hate that you would never post about me, compliment me on your own, plan dates, or understand me. I hate that you would always keep me at arms length, you never asked me out officially again, you would get mad at me for things i wasnt allowed to get mad at. I hate how you would only bring up your feelings of resentment when i would express mine first then trying to make it about you. I hate that you wouldnt really listen, you would just try to fix the conversation. I hate that i never felt understood and that so many of our photos i would remember crying at least once. I have so many photos of me crying with you. When you would prioritize your friends before me and me before your family. Like cmon jose, you’ll understand when you’re older but yeah jeez. You were really mean when you got mad. Super duper mean. I meant it when i said you were the most disrespectful boyfriend i had. Genuinely. And i wish it werent true but jesus i never felt so humiliated than when you ignored me crying while we were all together with your friends. While you laughed and talked to them knowing i was crying right next to you and they would ask me if i needed tissues. Also the time during the disney trip with my friends and how you just looked at your phone on the couch while i was crying in sammys room and she had to bitch at you because everyone could hear i was crying but you didnt care to do anything. I dont get it. I never understood you. Theres just things you have to figure out for yourself like i did with myself.

I know i wish ricky wouldve still been my friend because he was a good guy in general and enzo was JUST a good friend but when i think about jose im like damn, you are not a person i would want as a friend in general. Im just at such a different place in my life and im looking for specific qualities in people. You got a lot of growing up to do. I apologize for my own mistakes in our relationship. I know i wasnt perfect but i know i def tried harder than any other ex i was with. This relationship was a very much more real love for me. Like a self aware love. And ill always be grateful for what i learned with jose and how ill never put up with the things jose put me through ever again.

#crickyricky #me #mine #just some thoughts #space cowboy #🍐

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michelle-is-writing · 3 years

Text

Family Matters, Greg House

Word count: 1.7k~

In the time I’ve worked at Princeton-Plainsboro teaching hospital, some might say I'm the bubbly doctor in our group. Although I don’t know how true this might be, I do know everyone can agree I'm definitely more bubbly than doctor Gregory House, but that's for another day to discuss. I'm usually the one people send in to try and cheer up patients. Because of this, I mostly work in the pediatrics ward where young, sick children are. Sometimes, I have an easy time talking to the kids and making them happier, and sometimes, I don't; usually, when I'm upset, I have a hard time.

Right now, I'm having a very difficult time.

A young New Jersey girl at the age of 11 had developed mastoiditis, an infection that affects the mastoid bone above the ear and is typically caused by a middle ear infection. Usually, this all clears up, but sadly, this infection had grown to be so bad that the girl ended up with only twenty-three percent of her hearing left in the one ear. Although this is the case, I'm not having a hard time because of the girl's loss of hearing, no.

I have my own problems at the moment.

Since I'm working in the children's ward, I don't get to see Wilson or Greg as much as I want to. Despite Greg's tendency to be an asshole, he's still my best friend and not to mention that Wilson is the kind of guy anyone can talk to about anything. However, our schedules are all different, so, as I said: we don't get to see each other that often.

At least they're still in my life though. For my family, I can’t say the same. Recently, I've just lost the closest person to me in my family; although it wasn’t through death, but through immaturity and childishness. Because of this, all of my other family members have closed me out as well, causing me to be alone. With all of my friends busy and my family shutting me out, I have no one to talk to or enjoy time with... no one. I can't even get a boyfriend for Christ's sake, and it's not like the guy I have my eyes on actually likes me back. Greg is the type of guy you can easily fall in love with, yet at the same, you really shouldn't.

"Doctor (y/n)," the young girl by the name of Jessie states. Putting all my focus back on her, I remind myself not become distracted anymore today. This isn’t the first time, unfortunately. "Will my hearing ever return?"

I smile sadly at her and shake my head. "I'm sorry, Jessie," I tell her. "Your hearing in that ear won't return, but it's not a bad thing!" I assure her. She smiles in relief. "We can always get you a hearing aid, and that will help get your hearing back to normal again, but the wait might be a little long," I explain. "Is that okay with you?"

She nods her head at my question. "I'm okay with that, doctor (Y/n)," Jessie tells me, "I'll have my family help me until then," she smiles brightly. "You can always look up to your family, right?" She states, confident in her words.

Tears slowly rising to my eyes at the thought, I nod and quickly blink them away. "That's right," I tell her, still smiling. "And don't you ever forget it," looking toward her parents, I nod my head. "The discharge nurse will be here in a few moments with the papers. If you'll excuse me..."

Without another word, I quickly leave the room and walk as fast as I can to the nearest empty room. I prefer going to James’ office instead, but it's two floors away, and I don't want any awkward elevator trips. So, before I have a mental breakdown in the middle of the hallway, I find an unlocked janitorial closet before walking in and closing the door behind me, ultimately sliding down the hardwood door once it's shut.

Sitting on the cold, tile floor, I begin sobbing as quiet as I can, my hand covering my mouth. I already had my family drama on my mind all day, but for that girl to unintentionally throw it back in my face? That was the frosting on top of the already leaning, three-layer cake.

Tears stream down my cheeks like raindrops as I cry my heart out. I can tell my cheeks are red by the sensation of heat I currently feel on them; my hands feel it too. I'm crying so hard my chest begins to heave up and down as if I were having a panic attack. Oh God, I can't have a panic attack. Not here, not now.

Behind me, I feel two knocks on the door, causing me to halt. The only problem is: the knock wasn't above me, it was where my back is against the door. Remind you, I'm currently sitting on the floor. The only way someone can knock that low is if there is a midget behind the door there or someone used something like a cane... it's Greg.

Slowly moving up a little, I shakily open the door and let the grey haired man in, watching as he looks at me with pity. I've never seen the confident doctor House look like this with anyone. It's like a... a totally different Greg.

Sitting down beside me against the door, Greg drops his cane beside him as he sighs and wraps his arm around me before gently tugging my body close to his. Shocked, I tense up, tears no longer pouring out of my eyes. Greg never comforts anyone like this. He always makes fun of them or says something that many people take offense to, but he never... he never cares. He always brushes it off his shoulder, yet for some reason, he seems like he actually cares this time.

"What's wrong?" He asks, his voice deep as usual with no emotion.

I wait a few seconds before lying. "Nothing important," I tell him, my voice wavering from my scattered emotions.

Pulling me back to face him, Greg looks me in the eye before sighing again. "I know you've been crying by the wet tears on your cheeks, slight puffiness, and redness to your eyes, and fast-paced breathing - and I don’t even have to be a doctor to notice that," he breaks down my current state, lifting an eyebrow. "Now, are you going to begrudgingly tell me what's wrong or do I need to stay in here with you until you finally give in to all my unrelenting sexiness."

His comment makes me laugh, causing a grimace of a smile to fall on House's lips. Out of all of us, I've been the only one to do that. I've been the only one to break Greg's stone exterior and interior. Plus, It doesn't help that I like Greg romantically. I like the fact that he's confident and witty; he's not afraid to be himself. Although, he can still be quite an ass to others, but to me, he’s always been nothing but kind. Even when I first started working here, he was still patient and sweet - a rare sight to everyone else. It used to hurt me to think he’ll never feel the same way as me, but I’ve gotten so used to that fact that it doesn’t even bother me anymore.

"It's just... my family," I explain, Greg pushing my head back onto his shoulder as he holds me. At this point, I'm not shocked by anything he does. The infamous doctor could be high for all I know. He probably took a few Vicodin tablets before coming down here now that I think of it.

"They've completely... shut me out," I explain, shrugging as I rest my hand on his shoulder. "They never talk to me anymore, they've blocked me in any way of even trying to talk to them. My cousin just sent me an email last night telling me that I didn't need to contact them anymore as they no longer wanted me in their lives," I close my eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks. "Plus, I wish I could work with you guys again," I take a breath before saying the next thing. "I miss you."

A few seconds of silence pass before Greg leans down to my face level. Opening my eyes, I'm greeted by his own sapphire orbs, watching as he continually inches forward until his lips plant themselves on mine. Our eyes close at the same time in response to the touch of our lips, and they stay that way too. With my heart beating fast and a different fire in my cheeks, I instantly respond to his kiss while placing my hands on the sides of his face, feeling his hands attach themselves to my hips as I do so. We kiss until we have to breathe, both of us pulling apart simultaneously.

"They don't deserve you," Greg tells me, a little out of breath. "You are wonderful; a decent and kind human being, inside and out," he takes a small pause, flashing his blue eyes down to mine. "I never thought I’d say this, but… because of you, I think maybe not everyone is a horrible person and that maybe I can be a bit nicer a time or two," he then smiles at me, kissing me once more. "You have made me feel love believe it or not."

Smiling, I lean up to kiss his forehead before sitting back down and resting my head against his chest, my eyes cast upon him as he looks down at me. "You've also made me feel love," I confess to him, my voice shy. "I've grown to love you as well. You and your sarcastic comments and witty comebacks and your insults to apparent stupid people," for once, he laughs, making me grin. "I can't help but love it all."

After a few moments, Greg speaks up. "I know I can't be your entire family," he murmurs, holding me close. "But I can try to be your... your..." He draws on, clearly trying to come up with an appointed title for himself. After a few seconds, I giggle and cut him off.

"Boyfriend?" I ask, making him roll his eyes.

"I was going to say significant other," he argues, looking over to me. "The term boyfriend is so, well, childish," he complains, making me giggle.

Leaning closer, I peck his lips. "Good thing you have a childish mind," I tease him, pressing my lips to his one more time before he responds to my comment with something horrible or completely inappropriate. It is Doctor House we’re talking about, after all.

#greg house #gregory house #gregory house imagines #gregory house imagine #gregory house x reader #greg house imagine #greg house x reader #greg house imagines #house md #house md x reader #house md imagine #house md imagines

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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 3 years

Text

Anything else, Mr. Barber?

Warnings: noncon sexual acts and rape, cheating, coercion, blow job, somniphilia, abuse of power, no edit.

This is dark!Andy Barber and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Andy Barber is fed up with his tardy assistant.

Based on these drabble requests:

Andy Barber + somniphilia + “You’re late.” + Andy waking up the reader with sex.

Andy Barber + losing a bet + “do it or I’ll make you.” + Reader bets on something she's confident about, and agrees (ig?) to go down on Andy if she loses. When she inevitably loses, she's reluctant…

Andy Barber + “Do it or I’ll make you.” + abuse of power + Andy wants his cock sucked by his young assistant, but she's a little reluctant.

Andy Barber + “Why are you crying?” + Somniphilia + Something where he forces himself on her and she doesn’t wake up until the end

You knocked with your elbow before the voice came from the other side of the door, staunch and irritated. Fuck, you were late again. It wasn’t your fault, the cafe was crowded and your boss hated the vending machines river water. You let yourself in but Andy didn’t even look up as you entered.

You put the paper cup down as you greeted him, “Mr. Barber.”

“You’re late,” he kept his eyes on the folder in front of him.

“I got held up at--”

He took the cup and sniffed the brim. He scrunched his lips and sat up, his eyes meeting yours at last.

“Cream or milk?” he frowned.

“Milk, like always,” you wisped, your heart still beating from your frantic race to the office.

He took a sip and put it back heavily. He swallowed stiffly and cleared his throat.

“You sure?” he gave a fickle grimace, “tastes like cream.”

“I swear I ordered milk--”

“Just like you said yesterday you wouldn’t be late again.”

“I tried, I--”

“No more excuses,” he crossed his arms, “you’re late one more time and you owe me.”

“I’ll stay late tonight,” you offered.

“No, we’ll see,” he shifted in his chair, “if you can keep track of time, maybe we won’t have to.”

“I’m sorry--”

“You have work to catch up on,” he interrupted again and dropped his arms, he leaned back and grabbed a paper from the pile, “go on.”

You left and sighed as you closed the door behind you. You went to your desk, only a few feet from his office and took off your jacket. You really tried to be on time but Andy just didn’t seem to realise that his last minute texts for you to head down to the archives or to hit the coffee shop weren’t helping. That or he just didn’t care.

You booted your computer and fished around for a pen in your bag. Your leg jiggled as you thought about the next day, maybe if you left earlier you might avoid another slip-up.

☕

A week. A whole week and every day you were right on time. Andy couldn’t complain as you brought him his dark roast with milk and his documents in their acrid folders. It cost you some sleep and some early morning road rage, but he had nothing to gripe about as you met him with a smile.

It didn’t last. You hit a train at midtown and that threw your whole day off. Usually you missed it as the freight came at the same time every morning. The universe liked to see you fail.

Again you entered after a knock. Andy didn’t say anything as you set down his cup and you hesitated to leave as you waited for his reproach. Still nothing. You went to the door and his chaired squeaked.

“Before you leave tonight, we need to talk,” he snarled.

“Yes, Mr. Barber,” you pulled the door open.

“I need the Hanson files copied,” you heard him toss the envelope and you turned around.

“Will do,” you neared and took the manila casing.

“Collated and stapled,” he stared you down, “now go. I’m done wasting time.”

You retreated and flinched as the door clicked behind you. You pushed your head back and cringed. Fucking train.

☕

This time, Andy was late. It wasn’t unusual that his hearings ran long but you knew if you left, it would be worse. The elevator dinged and you watched the doors. He stepped out and bid a goodbye to whoever else was within. He didn’t even glance at you as he quieted and swept by your desk.

He snapped his fingers as he opened the door to his office and you stood. You felt like a dog, your tail between your legs as you followed.

“Close the door,” he said and you obeyed again.

He dropped his bag against his desk and sat. He rolled the chair back as he spread his legs wide and stretched his arms behind his head. He rubbed his eyes and his hands fell onto his thighs. He tilted his head and his jaw twitched as you faced him nervously.

“How many times do we have this conversation?”

“Please, there was a train--”

“Always something. The whole world is against you,” he scowled. “Well, I’m done with warnings. You were late and you owe me.”

“Mr. Barber--”

“Don’t worry, I’ve been thinking about it all day, how to settle this all,” his lips curved slightly, “we had a deal. You’re late, you pay.”

You were silent and slightly confused. You gulped and his fingers tapped on his pants. You winced as suddenly he gripped his belt buckle and unhooked it.

“Mr--”

“Get over here,” he said.

“Wha--”

“We’re done talking, so get over here and show me you want this job,” he sneered, “because it really doesn’t seem like you do.”

“No, I-- you can’t--”

“Do it or I’ll make you,” he shifted as he reached down his dress pants and pushed down his pale blue boxers.

“Mr.--”

“You make me real tired of repeating myself and if I have to again, this conversation and your time here is over,” his eyes bore into you and you wavered on your feet.

You took a careful step, waiting for him to stop you, waiting for him to tell you he was kidding. He didn’t and you took another and another until you were behind his desk. He turned his chair to face you and stroked himself above his open fly. Your lips parted as you couldn’t help but stare.

“I don’t have to tell you how to suck it, do I?” he taunted.

You inhaled and grabbed the desk as you got to your knees. He kept playing with himself as he wheeled closer. He angled his dick forward and tapped your lips as you bent over him. You let out your breath and opened your mouth. You wetted the tip with your tongue before you stretched your lips around it.

His hand fell from his dick and went to the back of your head. He urged you down and groaned as he felt the resistance at the back of your throat. You choked as he forced himself deeper and you breathed through your nose. His other hand went to your shoulder as he guided your motion, slowly at first.

The sloppy noise of your mouth filled the office and you gripped the top of his pants as you struggled to keep going. Your eyes watered and the droplets hovered along your lashes. He moved you fast and moaned as his fingertips swirled over your scalp.

“That’s it,” he said, “knew you must be good for something.”

You murmured around his dick and he hissed. Your throat constricted around him as you gagged and he shoved your head down over and over.

“Don’t make a mess now,” he purred.

He pulled you back and slammed you down all at once. He held you there and rolled his hips as he jerked and came down your throat. You let out a pathetic sputter and gasped as you gulped down his salty cum. Your throat milked his dick and he sighed as he eased out of your mouth.

You fell back and caught yourself on your hands. He rubbed his thighs and stared down at his wet cock, “whew, well, let’s hope you’re late again tomorrow.”

☕

You weren’t late again but that only seemed to make Andy’s temper worse. Even as you arrived before him, he seemed irked by your very existence. He got his coffee, his files, and anything else he could think to demand. You got your peace even if it wasn’t entirely that.

You were tired all the time. You made double sure to be at the office a full hour before your start and you even stayed late, just in case he wanted to punish you for leaving without his say so.

Several weeks passed but things didn’t get better, especially as each time you walked into his office, you felt him in your throat, heard his dark moans.

That day was no different as you waited for him and his black jacket flapped against you as he brushed past you without so much as a good morning. You turned and followed him into his office and put his coffee down. He shook his head and sat.

He took a drink and grimaced. “Cold,” he muttered.

“Sorry, Mr. Barber, I--”

“Go,” he waved you off.

You swallowed your voice and went. You sat at your desk and heard a sudden splat and the hollow clatter of the coffee cup. Was he mad at you? About what? You were early everyday, you got him everything he asked for, you did your job, you lived at work… what more could he want?

☕

When his assistant wasn’t late the next day, Andy was smug. He’d taught her her place and gotten off in the process.

At first, he’d nearly slapped himself for the idea. He knew it was wrong but he was tired of her being late, tired of being unhappy about everything in his life. Laurie barely looked at him as she brought her work home, Jacob was too busy with his friends to need his dad, and this woman couldn’t even bring him his coffee on time.

It was a simple solution to two problems. It eased both his stress over his errant employee and the neglect of his marriage. It didn’t last, but she wasn’t late again. Even after a week, even after two, then three. His frustration returned and so did his need.

He couldn’t look at her. Everytime he did, he saw her on her knees, head bobbing over his lap, and heard those delightful noises. She made him want it again but he didn’t know how to get her again. It was easy to justify it with her missteps but when she behaved, it made him feel rotten.

That, however, did not keep him from getting hard whenever she called him Mr. Barber or her eye lingered on him a little too long.

He didn’t know what to do, so that day, he stayed late at the courthouse. He called the office and told her to go, otherwise she would wait for him. If anything, his lesson had been effective in teaching her the importance of punctuality.

But even as he drove home, he kept thinking of her. He stopped at the corner of his street as the streetlights turned on and stared down at the dark shape of Laurie’s car. He took out his phone and dialed.

“Andy,” Laurie answered.

“Hey, I’m sorry I’m late, things… I’m just all tied up. I’ll be a while,” he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against his knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel.

“Fine,” she answered curtly, “see you in the morning?”

“Uh huh,” he sat up, they both knew it was an empty promise.

He headed back to the office. He searched through the old filing cabinet and pulled out the resume; hers. He read the address at the top. He hoped she hadn’t moved since then. He keyed it into his phone and got out the doors right before the cleaners locked up.

He drove to her building and sat outside. He watched the front and as less people came, he knew he had to act. He reached behind his seat and grabbed the empty paper bag from his lunch. He puffed it up and took off his suit jacket. He went to his trunk and took out the hoodie he kept for emergencies.

He ran up the steps of the building as a woman unlocked the door. He waved to her and called out, “hey,” she turned back as the door buzzed and she opened it, “you don’t mind holding that? I’ve been waiting for an answer for twenty minutes and… he waved the bag, “it’s getting cold.

“Oh, whatever,” she let him grab the door and he smiled, enlivened by his own act.

“Thanks,” he followed and watched her disappear onto the elevators.

He repeated the number in his head, 310, 310, 310…

He took the stairs up to the third floor and left the bag against a railing. He stepped into the hall and counted the doors to hers. He listened through the wood, he could hear her television. He tried the handle but it didn’t budge.

He exhaled and reached into his pocket for his keys. He still had the pocket knife from the days when Jacob was in the scouts. He remembered the trick his dad had taught him, one of many he couldn’t forget. He unfolded the nail file and jammed it in the slot.

He wiggled and the door opened as the handle almost cracked in his grip. He peeked around and pushed inside. He expected her to gasp, maybe even to scream, but she didn’t even sit up.

The deadbolt was loose, broken from his intrusion. He put the chain in place instead and approached the back of the couch. Again he braced himself for her shock. She was asleep. The coffee table was littered with a styrofoam container, a wine glass, and a half empty bottle.

He stopped and stared down at her. He tucked away the knife and took off the hoodie. He paced, hoping she’d wake up and scare him out of what he was thinking off. He had come this far, hadn’t he? He couldn’t stop now. He wouldn’t.

He unbuttoned his shirt and as he got to the last, he paused. He should go home but what was there but a silent and sleepless night beside his wife. He folded the shirt over the chair and took off his leather shoes. He rolled off his socks and stood straight. He unbuckled his belt and pushed his pants down with his boxers.

He was hard and hurting. He went to the couch and sidled between it and the coffee table. He grabbed the wine bottle and swigged. For courage. His nerves were jittering as he looked down at her dark blue tee. It was longer and reached halfway down her thighs. He only ever saw her in her blouses and her skirts, a bit clueless but always put together.

He touched her leg lightly and cautiously bent it. She breathed loudly but didn’t rouse. He straightened her leg and reached under her shirt. He tugged the panties down and untangled them from her feet, watching her face with each move.

He moved her leg over the edge of the couch and got on his knees beside the other. He tickled along the hem of her shirt and bent over her, holding himself up on the arm as he stroked his dick. She was going to wake up.

He didn’t care, he needed to fuck her. He pushed against her and slid his dick back until he found her entrance. He watched himself as he thrust into her in a single motion. Her body jolted and she grumbled. He smelled the wine on her breath but she stayed asleep.

He rocked his hips and hummed at the sensation of her walls around him. He dipped into her over and over, a smooth rhythm as it got easier with each tilt of his hip. He focused on his dick gliding in and out of her as he grasped the collar of her tee in his hand.

He sped up as he felt the ecstasy bubbling inside of him. His flesh slapped against her loudly and her leg dangled against his thigh. He closed his eyes and pushed his head back as he let out a long groan. So close, so close, and all he could focus on was his climax, even as he heard her surprised voice and felt her hands bounce of his chest.

“Andy!” she cried out.

He crashed into her and she shoved against him. Her legs bent around him and she wriggled helplessly. She sobbed and he bucked one last time as he came. He spilled into her as her walls squeezed him.

“Call me Mr. Barber,” he purred as he held himself completely inside of her.

He opened his eyes as he heard her sob. He looked down and stroked her cheek. She turned her head away from him and smacked away his hand.

“Why are you crying?” he asked and pushed against her until she whimpered.

☕☕☕

Please reblog and leave some feedback if you enjoyed.

#andy barber #dark andy barber #dark!andy barber #fic #andy barber x reader #drabble #drabbles #dark drabble #dark!drabble #dark fic #dark!fic #request #defending jacob

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witch-hazels-musings · 3 years

Note

Requests are still open? If so, how about zhongli or kaeya with a GN reader that has trouble falling asleep? (bonus points if they look drowsy during daytime)

^ with the time change I’m feeling really sleepy most of the day. I would love for Zhongli to make me a cup of tea ... like I bet it's a treat.

Warning -> none :)

How about some tea?

Includes: Zhongli, Kaeya

Character X GN reader | Anthology

Zhongli

There is something about this man's level of knowledge and insight into the things around him that’s incredible - somehow he knows the strangest of things while nothing of the simplest of things

Ask him the price of a common item, he has no idea, but ask him why the sun dances across the sky and he will tell you a tale long forgotten to the sands of time

So it’s both surprising and not that he knows something is strange about you

“Your demeanor looks strange.” He states with his hand against his chin and head slightly tilted.

“Oh, uh. Yeah, I just had a hard time sleeping last night is all.” You wave him away and continue with your task. You had started early with it, since you couldn’t sleep, and were nearly done.

“If you’d like, I could brew you some tea with valerian root. It has an interesting flavor, but will suffice.” He hasn’t really moved from his place throughout your whole conversation. He’s almost like a statue, one hand at his chin, the other resting against the small of his back.

“Uh, maybe.” You grab the large bag of items and lift it into your arms. You let out a sigh at its weight and try to shift it until it rests more comfortably in your arms. “I’ll get back to you.” With a warm smile, you give him a quick nod and head off.

You look back at him and he is still standing there, just as he was before.

Zhongli is a person who will keep his promises no matter what, even if you aren’t sure you created a promise with him

He can be very persistent and often takes people at their word - so when you see him show up later that day with all the material needed for a nice cup of tea, you shouldn’t be shocked

“Zhongli?” You stand with your hand on your door and the other in your hair. You had returned only shortly before he arrived and thought a nice shower would help refresh your mind.

“I was able to acquire the root I mentioned earlier today.” He’s just standing there, totally deadpan and serious. It makes you laugh.

“You didn’t need to go out of your way for that.” You say through laughter, the lightness of it lifting the atmosphere.

“I do recall I said I would brew you tea.”

“Yes, you did. Come in.”

You watch as he enters your home, something he hasn’t done very often. The two of you always found each other on the streets or walking along the harbor. Your relationship had always been friendly, and you enjoyed spending time with him. Truthfully, you longed for the relationship to be more. It somehow felt so domestic to see him moving through your kitchen with ease as if he’d lived there for years.

You sit at the counter and watch as he nimbly gets everything ready. The way he cuts the root into small pieces, the way he collects water in the teapot and sets it over the stove. The skillful way he organizes the loose leaves of the tea he’s brought which, you knew, would complement nicely with the valerian.

You enjoyed watching him as he prepared the tea. The simple process turned into an elegant orchestra of movement and execution. Once the water was at the right temperature, he poured the liquid into the cup and you watched as it turned a playful yellow.

Elegantly, he placed a saucer before you before resting the cup quietly in its place. You take in the fragrance and catch the hint of wood and sweet flowers.

“Do enjoy.” He gestured before following the same process to pour his own.

You bring the liquid to your lips and are surprised at how perfect the water temperature is. As the contents fill your mouth, you immediately sense the earthy taste. It’s overpowering, but only for a moment. Once the initial aroma passes there is a relief of sweetness and floral, which is quite refreshing.

“This is …” you pull your gaze from your cup before continuing, “kinda awesome.”

“And it is much better when spent in good company.” There is a warm smile on his face and you wonder if the liquid was making you warm or if it was him.

“I appreciate you doing this. It was nice of you.”

“My pleasure. I could sense you were in need of something.”

“I’ve just had a hard time sleeping lately, well, really most of the time.” You take another sip of the warm liquid.

“Mmm, perhaps there is something plaguing you?”

“Ha, not really. I’ve just always had a hard time sleeping at night. My mind won’t turn off I guess.” The soothing smell of the tea is starting to make your head heavy.

“If this aids you, then I am happy to teach you how to make it. Or do so myself if you wish.”

“Thank you, Zhongli.” You look back at the teacup and take a few more drinks before placing it on the saucer. Outside, you hear the citizens walking by and the distant shouting of those on the docks. Most of the time, you didn’t pay any attention to the sounds of the city, but today they seemed to be a soothing noise. Something about the way it all mixed and settled in your ears just felt right.

“It must be working.” You catch his eyes and turn your head. For some reason, his eyes seem more powerful than normal.

“It must be. I’m going to go rest on the couch for a minute.”

“Please do, I will clean up here.”

You settle into the couch and observe Zhongli from your place there. He’s already emptied your cup and cleaned it in the sink. His hands perfectly worked just the way he wanted them to. It feels like there are weights on your eyelids and it becomes harder and harder to keep them open.

The last thing you see is Zhongli standing in your kitchen drinking his cup of tea as he looks out the window.

Kaeya

He doesn’t let anything get past him, so he would definitely know something was up with you

“You look a little tired there.” Kaeya appeared out of thin air. You had been so distracted that you hadn’t noticed anything for a while. The passing of the time or the citizens walking from place to place, none of them registered. So when Kaeya’s face was suddenly before you and you caught his half-smile, you didn’t pay it much attention.

“Do I?” Your head was fuzzy like someone had turned on the radio but all the channels were missing. This sensation had gotten so commonplace that you often ignored it too.

“Yeah. Are you okay?” He leaned down, his smile gone and replaced with a concerned expression.

“I’m okay. Thanks.” You try to give him a reassuring smile and hope he doesn’t worry.

He watches as you walk away. There is something off about your steps, but he isn’t quite sure.

He’d likely do his own background investigation to figure out what is troubling you. He’s ready to tackle any problem no matter the size in order to bring back your more cheery disposition

When he finds out that it’s because you have trouble sleeping he gets to work. He’s asking the alchemists to come up with a potion, he goes to the church to see if the healers can assist in any way, he might even try some non-conventional tactics to help you sleep

After many days of rain, the sun had started to return to the city. There was a cool chill that ran across your arms and the back of your neck as you bent down to pour out the excess water from the plants. I should probably replace this with some dry dirt, you think to yourself as the water spreads across the cobblestone.

When you finish, you watch as the other citizens pass by. A few wave and some just keep on about their day. A few drops of cold water fall on your face and make you jump as it runs down your cheek.

“Hello, again.” A familiar voice calls out to you and when you look, you see Kaeya confidently making his way toward you.

“Hello.” You return and wipe the raindrops off of your face. You’re reminded how tall his when he stops but a few inches in front of you and stares down at you.

“Heading out now that the rain has stopped?” His hand is on his hip and he’s wearing his dashing smile.

“Yeah, I was thinking of returning some books to the Library. I’m sure Lisa isn’t pleased I haven’t returned them yet.”

“I’ll accompany you.”

“You sure?” You give him a quizzical look. He’s always so busy, it’s strange for him to have extra time to spare.

“Of course.”

“Okay, well let me grab the books.” He waits patiently outside until you return, books in hand.

He’s a man with a plan, and he’s going to enact that plan

He may have a pleasant smile plastered to his face, but he always has something working in the background, shifting in the shadows

Somehow he has convinced you to visit his office. You aren’t sure how he convinced you, the conversation you had with him didn’t seem to discuss anything about having a cup of tea, and especially not in his office.

“Thanks for the drink, it smells delicious.” You let the warm vapors run across your face and breath in the sweet smell.

“Please take your time.” He sits in the chair next to you, his leg resting on his knee and his back against the plush cushion.

You sit for a while and listen to the sounds of the room. The way the wind slides over the glass window, the sounds of footsteps walking through the hallways, voices of the knights growing and fading as they accomplish their tasks. The atmosphere starts to make you drowsy and you close your eyes for a minute, the warm cup resting on your legs.

“You seem relaxed now.” You hear his voice and open your eyes again.

“Yeah, there is something comforting about this place. I’m not sure why.”

“Probably because I’m here.” You chuckle at his comment and take another sip of tea. When there are only a few drinks left you placed the cup back onto the saucer before preparing yourself to leave.

“Well, thanks again.” You start to get up but he stops you. He’s grabbing your shoulder and ushering you down onto the couch.

“You should rest.”

“Huh, I don’t need to?” You try to sit back up, but he continues to push you down.

“Yes, you do. I can tell how tired you are. When was the last time you slept.”

“Kaeya, you’re being silly.”

“When was the last time?” He asks again, sitting on the coffee table and crossing his arms.

“... I don’t know … I tried to get some sleep last night but It didn’t really work.” You feel the soft cushion of the couch under you. It smells like Kaeya and it's pulling you in.

“I have some more things to do, but you are welcome to rest here.”

“I have a house…”

“Yes, but you already said this place was comforting.” He smirks at you, again somehow convincing you his way is the best way.

“I won’t fall asleep.” You retort, rubbing your eyes.

“Just give it a try.” He stands up and you follow him with your gaze. You watch as he grabs a blanket and starts to unravel it over you. It’s thick and extremely soft. “Now, close your eyes.”

“I’m telling you …”

“Mmhm, just be good and do it.”

Your eyes track him as he makes his way to his desk. The sun is hitting his back and the color of blue reflects against the wall. You blink a few times. The blanket is so warm and the pillow is just right. You close your eyes for just a few seconds, I definitely won’t fall asleep, you think to yourself before you slip into a world of pleasant dreams.

#genshin impact #genshin impact X reader #genshin impact headcanons #genshin impact musings #genshin impact fiction #genshin kaeya #genshin zhongli #kaeya x reader #Zhongli X reader #zhongli #kaeya #kaeya alberich

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helliontherapscallion · 3 years

Text

Unexpected Encounters (Adrenaline Junkie Part 8)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: minor swearing

Word count: 2,775

You walked down the now worn cobblestone path towards the main plaza of the village by Philza’s house. Whistling the first verse of the L’manberg national anthem, you wove slightly at the crowd of people gathered at the stands that littered the sides of the street.

The village was much larger than the entire L’manberg nation. It had several different precincts with a large, diverse group of people and a few hybrids living there. It also had more amenities like shops, a library (which, to your delight, grew expansively to include more books on inventions, some being exclusively about yours. They were proud people that embraced whatever fame comes out of the area), and multiple towering office buildings.

Everything’s changed since you’ve last been here a year ago. What was now more modern used to be traditional. What was loosely populated was now bustling with people. What used to be barren was now chock full of shops and apartment complexes. It was kind of jarring to see this much change in a little over a year.

In retrospect, it was jarring how much you changed in a little over a year. The hallucinations have finally almost completely stopped along with the nightmares. They only came about once a week now. You were slowly reincorporating green back into your wardrobe. Your phantom pain has retreated into your subconscious. It was always going to be with you, so you got used to the constant pain and tingling feeling. You learned to appreciate the small things in life and just live in the moment so you would have something positive to look back on in the future.

You invented several different gadgets to help your brothers win the L’manberg War of Independence such as a portable TNT launcher, handheld long-distance communication devices (which you affectionately dubbed walkie talkies since you could walk and talk! Wilbur and Tommy were not as enthusiastic of the name as you were), and a redstone powered crossbow that continuously fired arrows until you released the trigger. Though all of your inventions were practically your babies, they did not come anywhere close to trumping your magnum opus: your metal fully functioning wing.

After several mishaps and failed attempts, you finally made your wing correspond to the electrical impulses in your muscles so that it copied the movements of your flesh wing. It’s built out of a lightweight hollow iron and has feather shaped metal pieces protruding off from it to emulate your other wing. It was a sleek silver color that always caught a ray of sunshine and reflected it to another place. It was basically permanently attached to your body by now due to it being a pain to take on and off. It was just easier and more efficient to keep it on constantly.

People around you stared, some in awe and some in admiration. A stark difference from when you first lost your wing. Sometimes, you resented them for treating you differently just because your name became more widely known, but you were always a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance. Even attention seeking, unscrupulous assholes looking for cheap brownie points from their peers because ‘I knew them before they were discovered! I knew them personally, we were, like, really close!’ So for now, you tried to ignore the ugly indignation bubbling in your gut and threatening to spew out in a string of hurtful words. You were sick of being angry, especially now that L’manberg is at peace.

You passed several people who pointed at you and whispered amongst themselves. Ignoring them, you continued onward with your head held high and your wings folded in tightly to avoid children grabbing and pulling them with their grubby little hands. It always took you a while to clean and preen them after people touched them. You hated cleaning off fingerprints and grime from the smooth metal.

Walking with a sense of purpose, you continued onwards passing multiple shops and stands until you finally reached the butcher. Opening the decorated glass door, a little bell chimed alerting the burly man behind the counter of your presence. Like the others, he stared wide-eyed at you with his lips slightly parted in shock. Great, another exhausting encounter.

Putting on a polite smile, you broke the silence of the meat shop. “Hello, I’m here to buy half a pound of fresh ground beef. Would you by chance have any in stock?” That seemed to snap him out of his stupor.

“O-of course, I’ll get that for you right away.”

He disappeared into the backroom where frosty fog rolled out in tiny clouds. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all. Maybe he wouldn’t ask any questions or try to get to know you on a personal level.

He returned in a hurry, slapping the wrapped beef onto the counter and giving you a price. Reaching into your wallet for the cash, you paid him generously. “Keep the change.”

“I-thank you, Mx. Minecraft.”

Putting the beef into your satchel, you gave him a more genuine smile. “Don’t mention it.”

Briskly walking out, you made a beeline for the village’s main entrance. You couldn’t stand the feeling of constantly being watched and talked about anymore. Why couldn’t they treat you like a normal person? In your opinion, you were, well, you. Nothing was special about you.

As you were about to cross the threshold of the village, you heard footsteps behind you.

“HEY! MX. MINECRAFT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.”

Stopping dead in your tracks, you closed your eyes and took a few steadying breaths so that you wouldn’t lash out at this person. You just wanted to go to your childhood home and have a nice, peaceful dinner with your dad. Was that too much to ask?

Opening your eyes and plastering on a fake smile, you turned around and greeted him. He was a young boy, probably around eleven or twelve years old. His clothes and shaggy auburn hair were disheveled and he had dirt smeared on his face. “Hello, to whom may I owe the pleasure?”

He put his hands on his knees and tried to talk between gasping breaths. “Mx, my name’s Arthur Fox, i-it’s truly an honor to meet you. I’ve admired your work since before the war in L’manberg. You’re an amazing inventor and I wanna be just like you when I grow up. I- oooh I’m sorry, I’m rambling aren’t I?” He kind of reminded you of Tubbo in a strange way.

“No, you’re fine Arthur. Thank you for being a fan of my work, but I must get going. I have an important meeting to attend to.” You weren’t exactly lying to the young boy. Turning on your heel, you started to walk off only to feel a hand on your arm.

“Mx, I need to talk to you.”

“I really have to get going, Arthur. It was a pleasure to meet you.”

“No, it’s important.”

You struggled to keep the smile on your face as you shrugged his arm off as politely as you could. This kid is determined. Too determined. “So’s my meeting. I have to go.” You started to walk off into the beaten forest path.

“Do you know about The Warden?”

You halted abruptly and sharply turned around. You let your smile and polite stature drop into pursed lips and sharp eyes.

“...Of course I do. Everyone does.”

Flinching slightly, he quickly recovered his confident facade. “No, that’s not what I meant. Do you know about The Warden?”

“Like I said,” you played stupid, “everybody does. Who doesn’t?”

He puffed his cheeks out in frustration. “Ugh, how could someone so smart be so stupid at the same time? I mean you met it didn’t you? It took your wing.”

You took a step forward and narrowed your eyes, fully facing him now. “How do you know about that? Who told you?”

He stepped back. “I-I heard rumors a couple of years back that it got someone. I heard your name thrown around here and there.”

You gave him enough of a warning that you didn’t want to talk, but he ignored it and now he has to reap the consequences. At this point, you were so tired and drained from everyone trying to be buddy-buddy with you that you finally snapped. The only thing you wanted was to go home, you did not need this right now.

“Well, Arthur, you shouldn’t pry into other people’s business. I’ve told you time and time again that I have to leave, yet you persist to stop me. Why? And where are your parents, didn’t they teach you any manners?”

He looked downwards and fiddled with his fingers. “They’re dead. T-The Warden took someone important to me. I… I thought you might be able to help me.”

Shit, you just yelled at a grieving orphan. You were a massive asshole weren’t you? Your eyes softened slightly and you frowned. “...I’m sorry for your loss. Is there anything I could do to make it up to you? Dinner perhaps? We can talk about how I could help you afterwards.”

He glanced up at you. “But-but what about your meeting.”

You winced. “Uh, I’m moving it forward, we have more pressing matters.” You paused awkwardly. “Do… Do you have anybody to ask permission? Any siblings?”

His shoulders drooped. “...No. I’m all by myself.”

Shit, you yelled at a grieving homeless orphan? God what kind of role model were you?

“C’mon, kid. We’re going to my house.”

His wordlessly followed you and avoided looking into your eyes. The walk to your childhood home was very awkward, neither of you attempted starting conversation. You sighed.

“Look, Arthur I’m sorry for yelling at you like that. That was really uncalled for, I shouldn’t have yelled or gotten mad. It’s just that- The Warden’s a… touchy subject for me.”

“It’s alright, Mx. Minecraft. You can make it up to me by… making me dinner and showing me some of your blueprints?”

He looked up to you with hope filled, sparkling eyes. You snorted. “It’s a deal, kid. We’re almost there.”

You could see the silhouette of the house in the nearly setting sun. It was still the same as when you left a year ago.

“Ya know,” you sighed out, “this is actually my Dad’s house. I’m just visiting him for a couple of weeks.”

“Where do you live then?”

“I live in the heart of L’manberg with my brothers.”

“That’s cool…” He trailed off. You frowned, it seems that he was nervous to meet your Dad. You probably should’ve mentioned that Philza was there to him before taking him here.

You stopped, grabbing Arthur’s shoulders. “Kid, you don’t have to worry about meeting my dad. He’s probably the kindest, most genuine man I’ve ever met. He’ll welcome you with open arms, that’s what he did with me and my three brothers. He adopted us all.”

He gave you a small smile. “Alright, Mx. Minecraft, I trust you.”

“Oh, please don’t call me ‘Mx. Minecraft’, it makes me feel ancient,” you lolled your head back and dramatically groaned out, making him giggle. “I just turned twenty, buddy. Feel free to call me (y/n).”

Putting your hand on his shoulder, you led him to the front door. You twisted the old door knob and pushed the wooden door open.

“Dad, I’m home and I brought the beef!”

He popped his head out from the kitchen, his messy blond hair flopping onto his face. He gave you a joking smile. “Took you long enough, any longer and I would’ve locked ya out.”

You watched as his eyes wandered over to Arthur. He frowned, revealing his frilly pink apron that Wilbur got him as a joke. Oh, you could just hear the gears in his head churning.

“...(Y/n), who’s this?”

Grinning sheepishly, you replied. “Dad, this is Arthur Fox. Arthur, this is my dad Philza Minecraft. I promised him dinner and somewhere to stay for the night. Do you have some of Tommy’s old clothes Artie could borrow for the night?”

He sighed, shooting you a we’ll-talk-about-this-later look. “Yes, they’re in the attic. I’ll grab them after dinner so he could shower before going to bed.”

Arthur timidly spoke up. “Thank you, Mr. Minecraft.”

Your dad softened and gave him a gentle smile. “It’s no problem, Arthur. And please, call me Philza. Mr. Minecraft makes me feel old.”

Arthur let out a loud laugh. Despite everything he went through, his laugh still sounds like an innocent child’s laugh. You chuckled, kids always had a silly little laugh. Philza grinned at him, a child’s laughter was something that he missed.

Arthur wiped at his eyes as his laughter died down. “I’m sorry, (y/n) said the same outside.”

“I did,” you smiled lightly at Arthur before looking back at Philza with mischief, standing up straight and putting your hands on your hips. “But I was funnier.”

“Pft, you wish. I was saying that before you were even born. So, I win because I’ve been saying it longer.”

“Whatever ya say, old man. Funniness over age.”

He playfully glared at you, placing an offended hand over his heart. “I’m not that old.”

“Ya kinda are, Dad. You’re practically turning to dust!”

He gasped. “I am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am no- wait Dad, that’s cheating!”

“You still said it though!” He sang out, grinning at you cheekily.

“No, that doesn’t count!”

Arthur’s amused brown eyes bounced between you and Philza like he was watching a tennis match. Every so often, he would giggle at something one of you said. You both took your banter to the kitchen where you and Philza started to cook. Dinner was done and the table was set in no time. There was pleasant small talk as dinner neared an end

Your dad swallowed his last bite of beef and turned his attention towards Arthur. “So Arthur, how old are you?”

Arthur gave a small grin. “I’m ten.”

“Do your paren-”

You loudly coughed, throwing a discreet glare at Philza. Mouthing ‘don’t’ from behind your hand, you took a big sip of your water and stood up. “I’ll wash all the dishes. Arthur, would you like to look at some of my blueprints while we wait for my Dad to get you some clothes?”

His eyes shined with excitement. “Yes please!”

You chuckled, putting the plates in the sink and walking down to your old workshop to grab one of the blueprints you left in a filing cabinet. You grabbed the first draft for your prosthetic and the final draft for the automatic farm.

Upstairs, you situated the blueprints in front of Arthur at the dinner table. “Okay buddy, learn to your heart’s content. I’m gonna do the dishes. If you need something just give me a shout.”

Walking into the kitchen, you filled the sink with warm soapy water and got started scrubbing. You moved your wings around subconsciously as you wiped the pots and plates clean of grease. Humming in satisfaction when you were done, you dried your hands and sat next to Arthur who was looking at your designs with complete awe.

“You like them?”

He nodded his head so fast you thought it might fall off and started to fling questions at you. You smiled fondly at him, it was nice to see someone so interested in how your inventions were made and not just how they worked.

You two were mid conversation when Philza walked into the room with a bundle of clothes in his arms. You grabbed Arthur’s hand and led him up to the bathroom. You bent down and rested your hands on your knees, looking at him.

“Alright buddy, everything you need is in there, clean towels are in the closet. When you’re done, I’ll be in my room just over there,” you pointed to your door. “Last door on the left. I can show you where you’ll be sleeping for the night when you’re done. Does that sound okay?”

He gave you a gap-toothed smile. “Yes, thank you (y/n)! You’re the best!”

He closed the bathroom door and you stood there. You felt… oddly fond for the boy you just met only hours before.

Philza cleared his throat and pinned you to the wall with a stern look. “(Y/n), explain now.”

“I will, but let’s talk in my room so Arthur can shower in peace. Poor boy needs it.”

He sighed and walked into your room. You had a long talk ahead of you.

(A/N): so, how do you guys like Arthur?

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#sbi x reader #sleepy bois x reader #sleepy bois inc x reader #philza x reader #wilbur soot x reader #tommyinnit x reader #sibling reader #platonic #mcyt #mcyt x reader #x reader #tw: swearing

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