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#thats a pretty big freaking scar

hazshit-hotel-hater · 1 day

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Angel Dust Redesign! (7/7)

FINALLY I AM DONE WITH THE MAIN 7 FREAKS.

Depending how I feel I might throw in some bonuses but these guys are your only guarantees! Going to be posting the full lineup separately because I don’t want to clutter this post!!

God okay where to start. I was talking about them in Husk’s post so let’s go with that. Angel’s clothing restrictions are his necklace and shoes. I might go on a bit of a tangent with this so forgive me 💔

For the necklace let me get this out of the way: yes it is a BDSM thing! I’m terrified people are going to take this as me being a weirdo but please as an adult content creator give me some space to explain before anyone jumps on me and hits me with a metal pipe. The intentions behind symbolism matter HEAVILY. I am against Vivzie’s portrayal of Angel’s abuse and the chain/collar imagery because it is blatantly either her being incredibly uncreative or her inserting her kinks into her shows. I think it is completely fine to use suggestive items in this way as long as the intentions are clear and not just there for no reason.

I would’ve probably done something else like a corset as a restriction, but I’d like to stop being so shy about Angel’s actual job. He is a pornstar and removing that outward aspect of him is taking a big chunk of his character away. I need more people to acknowledge that Angel enjoys sex and actively wanted to explore this side of himself. With the slip chain however, I would also like to portray how things Angel enjoys in his job have been used against him and made him come to resent what he does when he is forced into it. I think thats a pretty understandable thing to show.

This is harder to explain but the gist of it is just don’t be afraid to acknowledge Angel’s job. It’s okay to use sexual things as metaphors. Have you heard any christian song ever/hj

Alright with that out of the way, with the shoes. Angel’s feet are a large insecurity and discomfort of his which already makes his shoes some sort of restriction on their own, however if controlled, they can be made to stumble forward, fall over, etc. I wanted to show how Angel has freedom to go mostly wherever he pleases, though once again, that free will can be taken away very quickly.

I hated his suit so all suiting is gone entirely. He’s supposed to look attractive or eye catching at the very least. I’ve also added back the outer fangs he had in my first redesign!

I am much happier with the new one in comparison to this old guy. I know it’s only a few months old but you can really see how differently I draw him and the details I pay attention to more like the shape of his hair. Aside from the old one! I wanted Angel himself to still keep the reddish pink to show wrath and destain being masked as lust, except now his clothing is actually the pinkish-purple lust colour and it covers more eye grabbing parts of his body like the chest, hands, hips, and so on.

I don’t think I’ve ever outwardly mentioned Angel having polycoria but he does and it’s probably my favourite feature to draw aside from his hair. About the hair and fur: Angel used to have spots and basic stripes before his contract with Valentino, where afterwards they began to curl into their cordiform shapes. Most physical overlord changes with hair and skin tend to not go away, so depending on who you make a contract with it’s either a fun perk or a sort of scar.

Once again, not sure if I will be continuing with anymore in this specific lineup, but if I do end up posting more of these I really hope you like those too! 💣

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crushedsweets · 9 months

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neeed to hear the context behind ur most recent art. please enlighten us

you guys dont even know how excited i get when someone asks smth like this abt my art or headcanons or au.

i actually wrote liek a fucking essay oh my god im so sorry anon ill have the actual drawing context after the big bolded caps

TW for typical creepypasta story type stuff

anyway ok UNNECESSARY BACKSTORY: liu spent a long time trying to just psychologically recover from everything. he hated jeff and he hated the memory of everything. jeff signature murders would occur every now and again, each time liu would fall into a deep depression. the murders stopped for a while, and everyone believed jeff 'retired' or died. liu was conflicted about it. until Jeff committed his final full-blown 'jeff fashion' murder (janes family) in tuscaloosa alabama. liu had another breakdown and ended up moving to tuscaloosa because he was completely convinced he needed to find jeff again because he could fix it (or die trying and he'd be fine with that too)

nina was always one of those girls obsessed with 'true crime' but like.... the murderers instead of the cases. she was 12 when jeff's first rampage happened and she just fell head over heels in love with this freak. she began to act out, miss school for days, sneaking out to meet older people, etc etc. eventually she did the classic jeff smile cut into her face(she pussied out on making it like jeffs, so she has cleaner, less noticeable scars) . she started getting severely bullied (for being creepy and worshipping a literal murderer) and her parents sent her to live with her grandparents in mississpi. she started stalking liu through social media and whitepages when jeff was presumed dead. but eventually, jeff's final murder happened in alabama(a state away from her) and after turning 18, she ran away to go find jeff convinced he would 'save her' from the life she created for herself. nina got wrapped up in slenderman business because of her constant Tom Foolery. she met her idol

JEFF IS A BAD PERSON IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. he did a beautiful job in using his #1 fangirl and enjoying the worship. she scrambled for pennies to afford an apartment, she'd sleep on the couch if he wanted to use her bed, she's ride her bike hours to go get weed or something from rando drug dealers that give better deals to pretty girls, make him food, do his damn laundry, literally anything and everything bc THATS HER MAAANNNNN (no he isnt.)

jeff DOES NOT GIVE A FUUUCK about everything nina does for him . one day he finds her trying to creepily get into contact with liu (and liu actually responded) and he loses his shit and stabs her and goes on and on about how 'you ruined your own useless fucking life your family is never going to take you back you did this to yourself' etc. he didn't intend to kill her only cuz he knew she'd forgive him and he liked all the shit she gave him

NOW ABOUT THE DRAWING ITSELF:::::

afterwards nina gets patched up from jeff stabbing her, she has some weird 'liu will save me' spiral (not romantically just in a very literal 'he can fix this' way). liu's been on his own spiral since finding out jeffs alive which is the only reason he even gave nina the time of day. eventually she ends up at his house to 'talk about jeff' bc she sent him creepy pics proving she knew jeff yadayadayada.

im not sure the exact conversation i imagined for the drawing, BUT liu eventually says something that sets nina off and she tears at her stitches and breaks down and drips blood all over his kitchen talking about 'I CAN MAKE HIM LOVE ME AGAIN I JUST NEED YOUR HELP PLEAAASEEEE' or something.

liu's a good man, much to his own detriment, and can't help but comfort this kid who's bleeding and crying in his kitchen at the fault of his own brother. he's all too familiar with wanting to repair his relationship with jeff, despite the amount of rage, betrayal, misery, etc he felt at jeffs hands. he doesn't ACTUALLY want to reconnect with jeff, but it's a very deep internal longing for the baby brother he once had that VERY RARELY overshadows his hatred

i want to reaffirm that liu does not feel positively about jeff at all, does not want to see him, and only moved to alabama b/c of a long ass mental health crises and is now too wrapped up in new financial commitments(plus jane) to move again. and now he feels obligated to help nina

he just misses being a big brother :( not so much the jeff part

also none of this at all is shipping at all i am terrified at the idea of people taking anything romantically . even if nina is in 'love' with jeff its purely for the story/horror . ITS ALL REALLY BAD

#creeped #hcs #guys i dont know why i keep doing this LMFAO IM SORRY ANON I TALK TOO MUCH I ... theres something in my brain #asks #soisjkhjdgvdkj #should i tag this as liu and nina... ok fuck it #homicidal liu #nina the killer #i literally have no feelings towards jeff as a character.. but the amount of people he ruined in his path ? damn . ok. got me

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thesharktanksdriver · 6 months

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Man, Reader after Bonbon's ability and turning them into a teen sounds like a super interesting idea.

I imagine reader would be pretty much the same but taller, edgier and has quite a temper (duo to puberty, those suck asf)

Tho, what if they turned into a full adult?

nsert me drawing reader in their adult years

- They would be THE SAME like, even without the appearance of an adult, they're pretty much already an adult in terms of knowledge, experience, etc... and their years of suffering. They're a geezer :(

- I like to think that they would be alot taller than almost everyone in the strawhats, the wise look on their face (majestic as hell, hell yes), longer hair and they still have the same spark and bright star in their eyes (with eye bags below)

- I want to see everyone's reaction oml. Since they're used to see reader being a small, old, silly little star, who plays their ukulele occasionally, having the height of a damn tree

- some would be like "Cool, you look wiser and taller now" and some would outright go "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU, WHAT DID YOU DO TO (READER)!?!?!?!?1?1!1?1!11!?3?2!1!2?1!"

BONUS :

- Shanks used to be happy that reader is smaller than him (secretly or not, he prob teased them alot abt it) he can easily pick them up like a small teddy bear. and now... Seeing reader being taller than him? Damn... He would still carry them tho

- For Buggy, he does not care, he is still bigger, taller, because his "body" is now this big freaking blanket or smth, so even if reader is taller, he would just stretch his body or smth-

- Luffy and Zoro would see them as a STRANGER, imagine just chilling then this person, wearing the same clothes as their nakama (and adopted sibling), looking wiser and mature just go "Yo guys, wanna hear my new song" holding a ukulele. The same reaction just like when Monosuke became adult basically but Luffy would go "THATS SO COOL YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT"

Everyone’s reactions would be pretty funny ngl

I think one interesting thing tho for y/n as an adult would be that their very weathered looking if that makes sense.

Their still a young adult but they have a lot of scars, ones that shine like gold and their face has an almost always tired look to it. Soft rounded features are sharpened, Their exhausted and there isn’t the youthful energy compared to their kid form.

They now better feel the ache and wear in their joints, their hands are tough and leathery compared to the softness of being a child and their eyes if you look long enough you can see the night sky.

Another thing as well is that their thin, looks like them essentially starving themselves for long periods of time and having the bare minimum would have an impact on their future (if would actually age). Sanji is meanwhile freaking out and forcing them to sit down as he makes them something.

What was once something they were all interested in seeing made the sad reality of y/n kinda hit them. The only time they’ll ever experience being an adult is paired with the pain and suffering of their long long existence.

#answers #determination!

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meimeikyu · 9 months

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Do you have any Bad Sanses headcanons? If so give 👀

(its completely chill if you don't by the way /gen)

I HAVE. TOO MANY. THIS WILL BE VERY LONG! STARTING WITH SOME PREFACING; A lot of these are more fanon or my versions of the bad sanses instead of just headcanons (considering i have a dislike of a large bit of their canons) (my geno ones were kinda like this too but my geno version is much more similar to canon then my bad sanses-)

So these are more just, me ranting about my versions of them which is basically me taking them and. burying them in my headcanons and story rewrites- canon doesnt have to be real if i dont look at it /j AS WELL; For this my bad sanses will be; Nightmare, Killer, Dust, Horror, and Cross. I like having cross as a part of them, and though i like bad sanses error, i consider him more his own entitiy that would work with them sometimes! ALRIGHT! LET THE RAMBLING BEGIN!!!!! (im so sorry for how long this is-)

OK SO. I could have a whole seperate rant about how i think theyd interact and work together and how they are brought together n everything so. im gonna try to keep it to my hcs directly about them n i can do a seperate thing for that if ppl r curious (this did not stay true there r interacting bits but its mostly about them solo)

Cross

ANXIETY. thats literally all i can start it with. i think this is the most anxious man to ever exist actually. also. transmasc cross is canon to me forever <3333 ANYWAYS HOLY THIS GUY. NEEDS THERAPY. well they all do but like. he need anxiety meds or something jfc someone help him TuT. I think hed dislike killing so he would mainly do supply runs, or be the distraction on missions. Hed definately fight but hed try to avoid killing at all costs. So. transmasc cross. im going back to that i have rambles. ok i think hed have like, more round bones if that makes sense?? so hed like to wear big baggy clothes n layers to try n hide it bcs he doesnt like it. I think hed have really scarred hands from fighting, but i also think hed have an x on both of them that gaster (oml i wanna punch that bitch) left on him. thinks. i wanna hug him. i think he has older brother vibes. i have like. a way i sort these ppl by age that makes no sense but i like it. but i think cross would be older. i think hes really bad at cooking. like comicly bad. he is not allowed to cook. he tall. not tallest. but tall. i think he has one really big sword, then 2 smaller hand swords. i think hed be decently powerful, basic sans magic but i think hed be good at combat from guard training and is pretty strong. i dont have as many cross thoughts as some of the others (its bcs i cant make him suffer as much /joking) i think hed like puzzles. like picture puzzles. oh he wouldnt let ppl touch his hands except for some certain ppl (the ganggg, they r family to me <mentally ill) i think his magic would be a light purple and i think he DESPISES it and avoids using it as much as possible. he keeps a tin pocket mirror on him so he can check if his eyes r purple constantly and he freaks out if it breaks (i think itd get broken on a mission sometimes). i kinda think of him n dust as opposites with this. i think cross always has to have mirrors on him and checks them constantly whereas dust despises mirrors and has definately destroyed many. uh. i love him loving chocolate n tacos. i think hed speak spanish. this is. more than i thought i had down- anyways overall i love him but some1 get him anxiety meds please- oh also i forgor to add this until later but. i think both cross and killer would have an army of plushies.

Horror

HORRORRR!!!! THE SQUISHY!!!!! i do not like his canon but fanon horror is my lovely. I CAN NVR DECIDE ON THIS BUT TRANSFEM HORROR HAS MY HEART I CAN JUST NVR DECIDE IF I WANT MY VER TO BE SO I MIGHT SWITCH PRONOUNS LIKE. 10 TIMES LMFAO. but anyways transfem horror is amazing n i love her. horror is the tallest by far. i think of horror like a polar bear i cant decribe this any other way. i think shed have big thick bones like how polar bears have lots of fur n fat to keep heat in? i think horrortales underground would be very very cold in snowdin so her magic mutated to give her thicker bones to keep warm. despite this, i think shed still be kinda cold all the time due to lack of magic post head trauma and i think shed wear big fluffy thick clothes all the time. theyd have to be custom made bcs regular clothes wouldnt fit her. i think the others would borrow them sometimes bcs. big n warm. RUBY EYE HORROR HAS MY HEART N I HAVE LOVED IT SINCE I SAW IT!! so i have a whole little thing i imagine of horror right after eye removal barely alive crawling through a cave system n finding a gem and basically ripping it out of the wall and using it as her eye. this also means she can take it out. and she does do that to terrify people- ok so basically i think she still has a small amount of magic/eye where her eye was, and the gem basically magnifys it so shes able to see? but without the gem she cant see. i also think she gets motion sick really easily bcs of this. UGH MIGRAINES. I think shed get them a lot and theyd be well. *nightmares* (hahah). i think shed have something to put pressure on the cracked skull bit without damaging it to help when it hurts. I love horror picking at her skull/dead eye socket as a stim and i add, i think shed randomly like, lightly bite herself. she would definately have like a necklace or something to chew on as well. i love like. big soft caretaker horror yknow. i think shed like to hug n like, touch the others. and COOK!! Cooking and baking horror is my fav. i think shed have someone help her read the recipes and with small bits like when you have to pour a certain amount of liquid. i dont think shed have great vision- like fine for most things but reading is not her strongsuit. I think shed also have shakey hands. i dont think shed have great mobility in general but oh boy i think shed be strong. like. could bend a metal pole strong. very strong. She doesnt use magic for like. anything because it takes a big strain on her, but i think shed have a huge heavy axe, that looks like. funnily light weight when she uses it but anyone else trys to and they cannot pick it up. I think she would pick the others up. She would put stuff very high up and have to help the others get it if the need it- I also think shed be (i cant think of the word. hyperflexible? i think double jointed is what im looking for?) basically i think shed have very bendy joints that go far in the wrong way but its not really good for her or give her an advantage its just kinda. there. if they ever run low on supplies i think shes the first to try to take smaller portions/stop eating because she puts the others before her, and i think they would very much try to stop her from doing that.

i love when horrors brother is alive so i def think her brother n au would still be alive! her or one of the other gang members would bring them supplies. i think shed visit there a lot. i dont like thinking of any of them as trapped at the castle tbh, i just dont think the others have many other places theyd want to go. i think shed have one of those like. big long pillows ppl hug. I think shed process things slower and would talk slowly but the others would be patient. i think shed be quicker with sign language bcs i imagine her have better like. skeletons dont have muscles but. muscle memory than (i dont know what to call it? active memory? i genuinely dont know what its called but like actively thinking for something memory). shed put little tabs and like. stickers everywhere with pictures to remind her what is where. i think shed listen to audiobooks or. calm music and or happy music. I also think shed like to listen to music in languages she doesnt know bcs then she doesnt have to try and process the lyrics

(i have this specific type of music i think shed like that i call light music but. i have no way to describe it. it has to do with the instrumental not having as much sounds. i think? or it. sounding more light? i literally dont know how to describe it its the vibes. Impurities - Le sserafim is an example i can think of off the top of my head for the vibes) I. think about horror a lot. as you can tell- i love her.

Dust

OH BOY HERE COMES THE ANGST!!!! Killer n dust r the ones i like to make suffer the most so expect like. a lot of angsty stuff. they also r the ones that have the most like, me adding stuff story wise- anyways. oh boy trauma! this guy is. not okay. n i love him for it. but also omg he is not. I think dust would be the most physically weak. like just entirely. I think he would have a very damaged soul due to LV + Determination. i hc he has a combination of the 2, due to his determination to escape the resets, and i also love dust being the scientist of the group and. i think he would most definately experiment on his own soul in secret. anyways i think bcs of soul issues hed be very physically weak, and would probably entirely rely on magic for fighting, as well i think hed probably use it for things outside of it bcs of soul issues. i think hed probably teleport everywhere instead of walking except for very short distances, and i think hed sit or lean on things instead of standing most of the time. But magic wise? oh fucking boy, i think hes a powerhouse. i think the way deterimation n lv would change people is different for everyone, and for him? i think it boosted his magic through the fucking roof, but also made it very unstable. i think hed pass out from overusing it too much, and would have times where theres just so so much and he has no way to get it out. i think hed constantly be slightly in that state unless like. actively fighting. part of why hed use magic for everything. also i think his main weapon for any close up combat would be 2 long pointed bones he summons. hes definately the quietest of the group, i think he wouldnt talk much and when he does his voice is very quiet and scratchy. I also think of him as one of the older ones of the group. Him n cross r the older ones whilst horror would be a bit younger and killer would be the youngest. i think horror would be physically older than them, but cross and dust would actually be much older due to resets/overwrites.

Also i dont know what dust is but its not cis. i dont know why i just cant see any of them as cis LMFAO. anyways i feel like genderfluid dust fits for my ver. primarily he/they. hed def be the scientist of the group, i think hed have a lab somewhere in the basement of the castle and hed use it for so many things. i think hed experiment with his magic a lot, but also with permission get samples of the others and test things on it, to see how they react to things. i also feel like hed have some machine he built to extract excess magic/determination from himself. i also hc hed like painting. i dont think hed paint anything in particular, probably more abstract things but i think hed use it to distract himself during a flare up. i also think hed use some of his own magic to paint at times. both his lab and the painting room would be connected, and i think they would both be a mess- i think all his spaces would be messy tbh. just. stuff. everywhere. but he could tell you where pretty much anything is in that chaos- i also think hed react differently to healing bcs of his soul. I feel like although things would heal, theyd never heal "fully". theyd almost scar, but the would have like visible unhealed magic in them. i think if he had way too much magic it could accidently reopen them since they cant fully heal. he found that out the hard way. i also think theyd 'heal' much faster though, and with enough magic/high tension he could probably force them to close. He definately does not like to sleep. he probably has nightmares most of the time when he does. he is also very much the type of person to stay up a week straigh then collapse and sleep for 18 hours. the others do not like that he does that-

i think hed probably be more. self destructive? like hed shove the others out of the way to take a hit instead. or overuse his magic during fights when emotional. i think he thinks hes somewhat invicible, due to the weird way his magic reacts to injuries. maybe hes right. who knows. i definately think he zones out all the time, and dissociates. i also think hed have a bad sense of time. hed probably be very. twitchy? he jumps if anyone touches him or gets too close, and is probably very on edge a large majority of the time. i think hed also say random facts, just out of nowhere. i think he would have at least some medical knowledge as well, from a combination of experiment with his magic to testing the limits of what it can heal. i think he might be able to force others to 'heal' the way he does with enough magic, but itd be very hard so hed only do it if one of the gang was like. actively dieing. even then hed probably remove it to let them heal normally once they could. i think thatd just. fully reopen the wound if he removes his magic. his magic is weird. i also think hed be hot. constantly. like all of the time due to his magic. (horror constantly cold x dust constantly hot :3c) as well i think his eyelights would be brighter, but i also think hed be more sensative to light. idk why i just like that. I think hed have the typical genocide sans scar. but i also love the idea of him having like. tally marks. (not a metaphor way like literally tally marks) as a way of counting resets. i think about him so much omg. despite the fact theyd probably hate each other in canon my killer n dust are close, due to the fact they both have very similar experiences. (i could probably write a whole thing on that ngl) I think dust feels somewhat responsible for killer since i like dust as like. the older one of them. so dust would get really stressed if killer is hurt. ok i think thats all for now. im so normal about him (blatant lie)

Killer

OHH BOY THE OTHER ONE I LOVE TO TRAUMATIZE!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! If i traumatize them more it means i like them. i promise. i just love making them cry :D Uh pangender killer will forever be canon and real to me. hes transmasc and pangender yknow. moving on. i think killer has very bad eyesite. i hc due to the (liquid hate? corrupted determination? either works tbh but i use liquid hate) anyways bcs of it it damaged his eyelight to the point he can barely see, he can mostly just see bright lights and blurred colors, and hed probably have no peripheral vision. i think this would have been a slow process, so when he first came to that castle, though his vision was slightly worse it was much better than now. (because of course he didnt tell anyone about it until it was very bad bcs. careless). i think he would have slowly been reworking his fighting style bcs of this. During fights, he uses a blindfold/bandages/literally anything to cover his eyes, blocking out any light he could see, because of how glowly magic is it would hinder him. i think instead hed relay on 'magic detection', not really like seeing the magic, but more just being able to physically feel where magic is around him, the more magic the more 'intense' it would feel. best way i can describe it is like sound. he cant see the magic but can feel what direction its coming from. i also think all types of magic would have a slightly different feel (so like hed be able to tell dream from cross). I think inks would be harder for him to detect since the easiest amount of magic to be able to detect would be souls, and well ink doesnt have one-. i think hed fight both close up and mid range, and use a combination of magic and physical objects. for physical objects hed mark them with small traces of magic so he can find them (and aim them). i think hed probably make a habit of running his hands over everything and leaving small magic trails to help map things. I think the others wouldnt know about the vision stuff until he ends up telling nightmare and eventually telling the others. nightmare would probably not let him do missions till killer had found a way to not endanger himself (by using his magic detection stuff) I also think his fighting would primarily involve protecting his soul over all else, since its extremely vulnerable with how it stays out. I think hed be a pretty all round, with good magic and decent direct physical fighting skills. i think hed have a very energetic fighting style, a lot of movement, both from him and him moving his opponents. i also hc hed be super flexible, and would probably know a lot of 'gymnast' tricks, and would do them during fights. this man would do an aerial in the middle of a fight no questions. i think hed dislike his sould. despite not really showing it, i think hed feel weird about the fact its always out. i also think hed feel weird about wearing colours that really clash with red bcs of it, so he usually sticks to the same outfit.

OK. BASELESS HEADCANON. so. i dont know why but for a long time ive had the hc that he has a prosthetic left arm. basically yknow in underverse 0.6 fight when he gets his arm broken? imagine that but. completely broken off. i imagine itd happen in a fight where he was already tired at that point, so when it happened the arm couldnt stay formed apart of him and just dusted instantly. i have this little idea of the prosthetic having like. these tubes that connect into his arm at the top? and it runs his magic through the prosthetic, so he can control it fully. itd definately take a while to get used to but after a while he can just use it like a regular arm. KILLER IS 100% YOUNGER SIBLING ENERGY! i hc him as the youngest of the group (despite still being an adult, i think hed be younger than the average sans.) I feel like killer would be very. emotional intense. I dont think of him as fully emotionless, i think hed be like. extremely (insert any emotion here really) then just. crash. and be empty. his hate would definately run a ton at that point. also i dont think he could cry. i think if he is he only crys hate, he doesnt have the ability to cry like the magic tears anymore. i do like him being very very energetic, but i feel like hed almost purposefully try to crash his emotions before very important missions? so he would be emotionless for them. of course, this probably would not end well- i think hed also probably be self destructive, doing 'dumb' but not really dumb things, just. reckless. they work. most of the time. but sometimes he gets stupidly injured because of it. and yet he will keep doing it. i think hed listen to like. a bunch of different types of music. pop, rock, random obscure song no one but him has ever heard of, you name it!! i feel like him n cross would like to watch like, legal and cop shows. idk why but it fits them to me. i think theyd watch it with like the audio descriptions for killer, and cross would definately pause it and describe other stuff it misses (side note, i have decent vision but OMFG I LOVE THE AUDIO DESCRIPTIONS? they r so cool fr) Killer would have no consistent fashion. the only common factor is they are either work outfit (his modifyed fighting outfit) or. for fun. in which case they are extremely over the top! no straight ppl fashion here (joking tone). Rainbow decora one day, extremely gothing the next, really anything as long as it looks cool, hed try it! he definately has a large wardrobe! oh also. my version cant summon his eyelights at all, the hate ate them :(

Nightmare

fINALLY!!!! MY EXTREMELY UNCANON NIGHTMARE!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!! any pronoun agender nightmare is here and real!!!! i dont like.. mean nightmare.... i like family bad sanses or bsp so... niceish nightmare? also i just call her mare n mainly default to she/her so. get used to that for this LMFAO uwahh,,, so i lov eher thats all (joking) SO. i think mares corruption has somewhat of a mind of its own, but its directly linked to her. the corruption would usually be solid but if shes very upset it will start dripping, and the tentacles will always be a telling sign of her mood- i honestly dont think shed fight that much. shed mainly stay to the side and moniter, but would intervein if anybody got very hurt or if the others were getting too intense SO. HER MAGIC :3c. I associate nightmare with water. like very intensely. and dream with fire but this isnt about dream- i imagine nightmare would have 3 main types of magic; her corruption magic ofc, emotion magic, and illusion magic. the corruption magic is tentacles, the general appearance, and the *slight* modifaction ability. i think she could make herself taller or shorter, and horrifyingly, move her bones arround indivudually- i think from when the apple event first happened, her body is basically completely destroyed, so if she was ever to be 'saved' or uncorrupted, she would die before it was even done. i think she can safely uncorrupt small parts for small amounts of time, but she never really does. i love shapeshifting nightmare, but for my ver, that isnt from her corruption magic, its illusion magic, so ill get to it in a minute :3 The emotion magic has 3 states id say, influencing, changing, and directly controlling. Influencing is just that, shifting emotions slightly, either negatively or positively (i hc dream and nightmare can both do both sides of emotion magic), or influencing them slightly towards something (making them calmer, happier, sadder, ect.) Note; this wont completely change the emotion, just shifting it slightly one way. shed probably use this one subconciously, and only does it on purpose sometimes. the influencing emotions can also be affected by her own. Next is directly changing them, which is. well what it sounds like. making someone whos panicking calm. making someone whos upset feel okay. directly changing their emotion, but without controlling it if that makes sense? if she makes someone whos panicking calm, but the thing that made them panic is still there, they can panic again. VERSUS! directly controlling, which is the strongest of the 3 states. this would be making someone sad and making them stay that way, or with any other emotion. this one can be useful during raid missions, where she can force the residents of the au to be calm and ignore it while the others get supplies. this one she only really uses on those outside the gang, or in very specific situations for the gang. the direct controling emotions is also very closely tied with her illusion magic, which i now get to explain :3c

So the illusion magic has a pretty self explanitory name, but i think theres a few different ways she would use it. 1, for personal shapeshifting, basically using illusions to make herself appear different. 2, illusions on others, which in itself has 2 main ways to use. she could use it the same way she does on herserlf, making them appear and look different, or she could do whats more like 'delusion' magic or mind control. basically her physically taking over their mind, locking them in a dreamlike state, whilst she is able to influence their body. i think shes mainly use this one on enemies, and not very often as it takes a lot of power. i think shed either have to touch them to be able to active it, or thru another way ill explain in a bit:3 i think all her magic would be closly tied to water. her illusions would have a watery ripple effect when they are put in place, the mind control causes a watery swirl in both her eye and theirs, i also think all her portals would have a watery effect, and if she ever teleports, the way she sinks into either like a wall or the floor to move has a watery ripple. I ALSO LOVE NIGHTMARE N DREAM HAVING DREAM MAGIC!!! i imagine there is sort of a pocket reality called the dreamscape, where the dreams physically are, in sort of like little bubbles. they would have different swirly colours convenying the tones of the dreams, and nightmare and dream would be able to enter dreams, or influence them from the realm (though the can have a more direct influence if they enter). I think the bubbles would all float around in this sort of endless flower field, and at the center would be the tree of feelings, except its now a stump, reflecting the tree of feelings in the real world. this place is definately neutral ground, and i think dream and nightmare would talk to each other here sometimes, even just for a minute. my versions dont actually hate each other, but more think the other hates them for what happened. (communication would solve so many multiversal issues im just saying).

ANYWAYS! I think nightmare would spend a lot of time in the dreamscape, just roaming, viewing dreams. and i feel like if you went far enough it would slowly start to bleed into showing things happening in the physical world. the dreamscape would be a lot darker in thoses areas. i imagine itd start to bleed into the void, which is why it shows that. i think nightmare goes there to moniter things when she doesnt want to be present physically. i think they could also take other people to the dream realm if they choose. I think itd be less of a physical realm though. I think dream and nightmare can enter it fully, physical bodies and all but if anyone else is brought their body stays in the regular world. oh i also imagine nightmare have water ripples around her feet when she walks. no matter if theres no water there, it just always happens. i imagine nightmare with burn scars on half of her bones (same side as the covered eye), bcs i love the idea of the villagers trying to burn her at the stake. i think nightmares bones look smooth and shiny mostly, but if you touch them you can feel the thousands of cracks and breaks and burns n ect. i also think shed feel cold to touch. also the goop would taste like rotten sour apples. i just like that idea.

i think shes able to touch people, but she has more influence if she does, so she trys to be careful when doing it. with that being said, i think shes touch starved!!!!! n i feel like her tentacles would constantly go towards wrapping themselves around the gang. i think she wears a crown, but its a new one she made herself. though she still has her original, hidden away. i LOVE the idea of nightmare having a shit tone of hobbies shes amazing at from having hundreds of years to learn things. ive nvr seen anyone else suggest this one but i hc shed make jewlerly. rings necklances brooches pins, her own crown, ect. i feel like shed make something special for each of the gang members. ALSO!! HERES WHERE THE OTHER MIND CONTROL METHOD COMES IN!!!! i hc nightmare would be very good at singing. but. siren style. i think she really enjoys singing, but usually only gets to do it in private or in the dreamscape, otherwise she risks controlling someone with it. however, i think the gang has little sound blockers shes given them, in case she ever need to use it on a mission. in addition, i think shed enjoy dancing, and can do it more because it has no risks. i think she definately knows a bunch of ancient styles lost to time. i also love the idea of her having a bunch things collected from over the years, tons of paintings, artworks, collectibles, so many things. i think a lot of them would be spread around the castle, but some special ones would be hidden in a small room only she had access to. i also think shed play a ton of instruments, but espcially violin! ALSO! BOOKS!! oml. books. she has. too many. i imagine her having a huge library. like im talking spanning multiple floors of the castle giant library. there is at least 2 secret book doors in it im sure. shed definately meticulously sort it. i think shed be very very organized. also. i bet she speaks like. 12 languages. 6 of which are completely outdated. also she wears a dress. i dont make the rules (i do, this is my version, i make them all. and she wears a dress-) i imagine itd be a very dark black, but like, basically floor length and very. regal looking. i think itd be slightly ripped up at the bottom as well. it would be very fancy. not pratical, but fancy. she doesnt do much fighting, it doesnt need to be practical- i think shed be very. other worldy- like, seem almost (for lack of a better word, delusional) to regular people. in reality she just. knows a lot but does not know how to properly convey herself in a way that seems normal, and she doesnt really care to either. also i think shed be up to date with modern tech, because nothing is funnier to me than the idea of nightmare texting the gang missions and ending it with a kaomoji (this is canon to my version because its so fucking funny to me-)

ok theres. theres probably more let me be honest but ive been writing for. like 3 hours. and this is already way more than i planned! but tysm, this was super fun to do!!! and now i finally have a shit ton of these written out!!!!! i need to. draw them sometime bcs of my design modifications. but anyways. if you actually read all of this i am. so impressed- TYSM AGAIN FOR THE ASK!!!! I LOVE THESE HC ASKS AND WILL GLADLY DO MORE :3c

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eldritchmochi · 7 months

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since shit continues to be wild, as evidenced by the oingo boingo voice WEIRD CANCER posts, heres.....

mochi, what the fuck is up with that?? (guts edition) 3.0

1.0 ; 2.0

i apparently have not seen enough specialists so i have an oncologist now. gotta catch 'em all and shit

tl;dr mystery mass did turn out to be technically cancerous. i do not remember the specific type off the top of my head yet but its a weird rare one, because of course it is. luckily its a kind that stays very localized, so it's not gonna pop up anywhere else in my body, and my surgeons did manage to remove all of it with good margins. i am now down the 3rd and 4th part of my duodenum and my gallbladder (which, fun fact, did have signs of chronic gallbladder disease, so i guess i didn't escape that family trend lmao). like all cancers, theres a chance it'll grow back, but if it does, it should be in roughly the same place and is unlikely to be fatal, just annoying

i've got a fuck off big scar building down the centerline of my abdomen, from sternum to groin. it is gnarly as fuck and i am excited to see how it heals. i already have some ideas on how to incorporate it into my tattoos. you can see pictures of it here if you're a morbid freak like me. be sure to look at my reblogs for updates, there will probably be several contained there down the line, for posterity :>

the first like 18hrs post surgery were uh. not fun since it took A WHILE to find some sort of non oral pain management that would actually work for me, so thats great, but sans ng tube, i'm getting by pretty okay with ibuprofen and tylenol with the occasional non-standard opioid. i've been home since tuesday, oct 10th; had a check in with a gp yesterday, oct 13th, and i'm healing well. staples will be removed on the 18th and theoretically i'll be able to keep them >:3c

i'm back to eating semi-normally. still on bowel rest, but it's not as strict as it was before and it's mostly because i am paranoid vs anything required by my doctors. i haven't been nauseous since i went under on oct 4th which is absolutely wild, and i've been experiencing hunger at normal, regular intervals including being able to eat breakfast shortly after i wake up, which i haven't been able to do without a high chance of barfing it back up immediately since i was a teenager

first oncology appt is on oct 23rd. sounds like itll be mostly setting up a plan and schedule for things like regular scans to watch for regrowth and possibly referrals for genetic testing

my pfml back pay came innnnn god only last week holy shit, and my wife got their big chunk of school loans for living expenses so we are mostly fine there. i am arranging with a local queer to come a couple times a week to help with regular chores and stuff at 40 bucks a pop. if anyone would like to sponsor one of those visits or some take out for us, i'm @/sumomomochi on both pp and vnm0

at this point the sort of stuff that would serve us best is GEEFTS. not like, physical things you pay money for necessarily, though if you're a custom dice maker and wanna send us clacky math rocks, i would not say no. things like comments on our fics (mochi's ao3 ; cherry's ao3) or fanart for em, should you be so inclined, would be incredible. cherry is very low key on the internet but i'm chronically online, so other stuff like asks about worldbuilding or fic process or fashion opinions or whatever would be fantastic for me. i am...... incredibly bored after sitting in the same spot for four months now, and i've got another 4-5 weeks of it (:

but! i have a good support system, personally, professionally, and medically, so i'll be alright in the end, just hmm. sure has been a fucking year jesus christ

#mochi rambles #mochi's medical mischief #eventually this'll be consolidated more for like #a less unhinged pinned post once i have the spoons to do a toc for fic stuff as a pinned instead but #ya kno #for now #oingo boingo voice WEIRD CANCER #pennicore

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sca-rian · 2 years

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my howl's moving castle inspired au, the long masterpost:

*will use scar's moving castle as a tag for this!

consider: grian manages a family business with his sister, pearl. their life is anything but glamorous, and grian doesnt have much prospects of ever leaving his town and doing something different. he hears stories about big cities full of possibilities, magic (hes isnt sure if he believes in that), a moving castle and a handsome wizard who steals the hearts of young women;

one day, grian gets cursed by the wizard of the wastes (joel), after he comes into his shop late in the shift and they get into a heated discussion over the existence (or lack, thereof) of magic. joel thinks of it all as just a silly prank, a curse that can be easily lifted or is just naturally disappearing after a few days;

joel girlbossed too close to the sun, though. the curse is bad. grian wakes up finding out that his body has started to grow feathers. its uncomfortable and borderline painful at times, specially on his back;

after properly freaking out, he tries to deal with it as best as he can, chugging some painkillers, wearing oversized clothes and going to work as if nothing is wrong. pearl notices something unusual, tho—perhaps its grian's murderous expression whenever he remembers joel's face. hes going to kill that bastard;

the curse gets progressively worse as the days go by, until grian can no longer easily hide it and pearl finds out by the ungodly amount of feathers spread around their house. she, of course, gets worried, and tell grian they need to find the wizard that cursed him somehow, or perhaps asks someone else for help;

they dont know any other witches and wizards, since, until last week, grian was pretty sure those didnt even exist. until pearl mentions that one dude who apparently steal hearts and was around town with his moving castle;

grian tells her thats a legend to scare young people so they wont go around talking to strangers. pearl argues that she knew of a lady who disappeared after allegedly spending time with the wizard;

grian supposes that man, if he actually exists, isnt the most trustworthy. but 1. hes not a young lady, which appears to be the ones who get their hearts stolen and 2. he has nothing to lose, really, besides some of his time;

pearl offers to go with him, but grian insists for her to stay (shes a young woman, after all). so grian leaves by himself in good old ghibli fashion: taking with him nothing but a block of cheese, some bread and a clock;

he founds the moving castle with ease: its ridiculously big and it makes no sense at all, having many weird bump outs, few windows, a dramatic copper roof and many chimneys. if anything, it looked like the weirdest house ever and nothing like a castle. something about it was still charming, tho: he just couldnt point out what.

development for this au just started, but so far it includes:

scar being weird and overly dramatic, but still charming. he also refuses to pay taxes;

cub as scar's weird demon roommate, with whom he made a contract many years ago. cub is so miserable sometimes that he regrets getting scar's heart (or his soul, whatever). cub keeps the "castle" moving with overly complicated redstone magic and fire that allegedly comes from the depths of hell;

scar sending threatening letters to joel. many of them. demanding for him to break the curse. joel ignores every single one;

he eventually gets pissed and goes with grian to look for joel, who admits the curse wasnt supposed to be that strong and now he doesnt know how to break it. scar turns him into a frog and joel is kept hostage;

joel still does his best to be as annoying as possible despite the limitations of his new body.

it also includes:

scarian falling in love;

found family;

silly cliche romance tropes;

romcom elements;

characters acting like divorced couples;

funky magical men with their funky little spells;

light angst.

i want to write this but im afraid i might not have the time. still want to brainrot tho so im accepting asks! you may also write with this au as long as you credit me! :)

#hermitshipping #trafficshipping #boli writes #hermitcraft #grian #gtws #goodtimewithscar #scarian #fanfic #smallishbeans #scar's moving castle

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pacifymebby · 5 months

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you're not the only one // chapter two

You could hear Sam's lot from across the road, the group of lads gathered around a table under a heat lamp, cigs glowing, their laughter and their jokes ringing out.

They looked happy, friendly even, but they looked on one. They looked confident and it was enough to leave me feeling more than self concious as we approached.

But Sam draped his arm around my shoulder as we got a little nearer, squeezing me into his side care free, and when he looked down at me and flashed me another reassuring grin I felt a little better.

Still his arm around my shoulders sent my heart thudding, rapid fire, left me feeling self concious, counting my breaths, trying to hide how jittery he really made me. How his proximity made me nervous.

It was difficult to adjust to him treating me like a friend when we'd only ever shared awkward half conversations before. Me glancing at him when the two of us were on the bar together, averting my eyes every time he looked up.

Now he had his arm around me, walking me to meet his friends down the pub, asking me what I drank so he could get the round in. It was difficult not to freak out, let my mind run away from me.

"Areet lads," he grinned greeting his mates who cheered upon his arrival, all of them daft and hyperactive. All of them with their big grins and bright eyes.

"You're late thought yas were gan patch us lad," grinned one of them, his eyes flickering between Sam and me. I was lingering just behind him, not trying to hide but trying to hide.

"Who's this mate you bought yourself a date or somat?" chuckled another of his friends leaving the others to laugh and one who i recognised as one of my brothers mates to laugh even harder.

"What're yas on aboot man thats Bondys wee sister!"

"Haddaway nah, wit youre joken like?" cried the other, his eyes wide as he looked me over, "A thought she was a bairn like,"

I bit my lip, trying not to show them how overwhelmed by them i felt as I tried to process everything they were saying. It wasn't that they were saying anything unpleasant, actually it was obvious that everything they were saying was supposed to be friendly, it was the enthusiasm and the volume at which they spoke.

"Divvin be talkin rot Johnny," grinned Sam, his arm catching your shoulders again so that he could stear you to sit down at the end of the table, "Wyns 18 an she's gannin oot with us toneet so quit scarring her off," he said, a tone to his voice mostly joking, still something about it told them he meant what he said as he gave your shoulder away and dragged the lad you recognised to be Dru away to the bar, giving the others instructions to be nice.

"A dint meana sound harsh like lass just canny believe yas are related to Bondy like,"

"Its reet" I shrugged my shoulders offering him a small smile, desperate for Sam's return so that I'd have someone to hide behind again. So that I'd have a drink to give me even the slightest edge of courage.

"Yas divnt even look like him, are yas sure youre his sister like..." grinned one of the others leaving a shy little blush on my cheeks. They caught me checking over my shoulder for Sam then and laughed.

"Howay leave her alone man, quit nebbin the poor lass like,"

The three lads I'd been left with started bickering between themselves then, their arguing only ever glancing back to me was actually something I was a little grateful for.

And when I was left to sit quietly just listening to them bickering, their childish arguing was pretty entertaining to listen to. They sounded daft, exactly the way Bondy always described them, and actually just the same as Sam had warned me they'd be.

By the time Sam and Dru came back Id settled into my usual role. The quiet lass in the corner who was happy just to smirk along and listen in.

"Areet sweet pea they're not doin your head in are they?" asked Sam as he slipped in beside me, placing a drink down in front of me that I was more than happy to accept.

"Thanks," I said, "a can pay you back at..."

"You wunna," he cut me off, shaking his head, leaving me to blush as our conversation drew the attention of the other lads back to us.

"Yas haven't even introduced us Sam, what kinda shite date are yas," grinned one of the older lads, his grin lighting up though his words left both me and Sam looking a little nervous.

I recognised the awkwardness in Sam's chuckle as a reflex of my own. The awkward laugh to fill the silence when you can't think of a clever response.

He chuckled and then he said something else about my brother and then he sighed dramatically turning back to me.

His eyes on me, despite their boyish mischief and the carefree way he seemed to meet my gaze, still left my skin tingling with self consciousness, forcing me to look away, averting my gaze to my hands in my lap.

"Am sorry to have to do this to yas little bond, but lads, this is Wyn, and Wyn, this is Joe, Dean, Johnny, Tom and Dru, an am so very sorry you have to spend the rest of the neet wi em," he said, flashing a smile and then a sneer at his mates who all gasped and feigned offence, more dramatically than was really necessary.

Their wide eyes and girlish cries making it impossible to keep the smile from my lips as I hid behind my pint and gulped it down.

"Howay lass gwan!" cried Dean as I drank a little too quickly, "you two are playin catch up," he grinned.

"Aye dya nar a take it back like, she drinks just like her brother," nodded Dru, a nod of approval I think, though I was concentrating more on my pint than on the lads now. Hoping to draw that Dutch courage a little quicker. God knew I was in desperate need of something if I was going to survive the night with those lads.

And so that was how the night dissolved into the early hours of the morning. The lot of us gathered around that table, swigging pints and smoking cigs. The lads making jokes and raving about the songs they were working on, talking about the gig they played last week and the gig they were going to play in a weeks time.

Sam sat next to me for most of the night, only really leaving my side to go back to the bar, never accepting my offers of paying him back for the drinks he bought me. He shared his cigs with me and, when the wind was picking up at around midnight, even placed one between my lips, leaning in to shield it with his hands whilst I tried my best to get it to light.

Hed held my gaze and stifled me, my breath catching in my throat so the cig couldn't take and I'd had to try again. Hed grinned, rolling his eyes, thinking it was just the sea breeze but I knew that it wasn't. And when he'd pushed my hair from my face to save me setting it alight, I'd faltered again, his fingers skimming my skin, his warm hand hovering so close to my cheek. I'd been looking at him but I couldn't look at him then.

As the weather had, in classic sheilds style, failed us, grown unforgiving and too cold for comfort, we'd all wandered inside. Picked a table at the back, one of those booths where the sofa cushioned seats are always just slightly too far from the table, and yet always feel claustrophobic once you've all gathered round.

Wed squeezed in, though there wasn't really enough room and I found myself squished shoulder to shoulder between Dean and Sam.

I was drunk, not drunk enough not to feel self concious sitting so close to sam, but drunk enough that I didn't mind being squished in around that table laughing and pissing about with the lads.

Drunk enough to join in with their daft drinking games, drunk enough to accept the multiple shots placed before me, and drunk enough to steal one of Dean's just to make Sam laugh. Drunk enough that the pride I felt when Sam found my trick hilarious, lingered tingling my lips long after the laughter had faded.

It was a busy little venue, small and warm with a scuffed dance floor at the center of the room and those long dusty curtains you get in all the run down pubs in places like Sheilds.

They had a worn out looking jukebox on the wall and every time you put a coin in it spat it straight back out. But that didn't stop a pissed and dizzy Dru from returning to it over and over again trying to request Baker Street.

"Aye nah we'll do doubles like," exclaimed Dean, over excited about the prospect of the pool tables at the back of the room.

"There's seven of us daft cunt," sniggered Sam turning back to me, "Dya play?" he asked nodding to the table, "wanna be on my team?" he asked, laughing me off when I shook my head.

"Nah way," I grinned, "I'll embarrass yas," I said making an attempt to back away and failing miserably because the pout he shot me left me faltering.

"What you reckon outa this lot you're the ones ganna embarrass me," he laughed, but I couldn't really smirk and shake my head because the answer was yes. I might have had a few pints but yes, i was going to be the one who would embarrass him.

"Nah really am shit like," I grinned awkwardly, trying to back away from the table, a little surprised when he reached out and caught my hand.

"Nah way lass a don't believe yas like, av seen your brother y'nar I nar that talent runs through your blood like," he teased, tugging on my arm gently to draw me back to the table.

And when he looked at me with pleading eyes, I couldn't refuse.

"Cmon Wyn al teach yas," he said offering me the cue with a smirk when he tried to tell me how to hold it and I just wound up rolling me eyes.

"Giz over man am no that bad!" I giggled leaning across the table to take my shot.

Dean had broken and failed to pot a single ball and so the table was open to me, it was the only shot of the evening I felt remotely capable of. The easiest shot of the game and definitely undeserving of the cheer which erupted from Sam when I got it in.

"Howay lass get in!" he grinned, "see lads she's a star," cheered Sam taking the cue from me for his turn. His smile was infectious, just like the rest of the lads good mood was infectious, but I still struggled to relax enough to laugh along.

"It was like the easiest shot," I smirked with a blush on my cheeks as I tried to hide away from their rucus.

"Aye give over a shots a shots a shot like,"

I could see how people slipped into alcoholism so easily. It was addictive, the light feeling it gave you, the taste of carelessness. It wasn't that I was confident it was that my mind had slowed down, it wasn't quite quick enough to worry about everything anymore and as we continued around the pool table, i found the more they laughed and smiled and made their jokes the more I did too.

"Aye a shots a shots a shot like," grinned Dru as he handed me a shot glass which was spilling over, the liquid inside it. When I knocked it back it burnt but it was sweet and sticky and it warmed me through and it was easier to look him in the eye when i smiled.

It was easier to mess around with them. Easier to care a little less, worry a little less.

The more I felt like one of the group, not just the little girl they'd wound up babysitting for my brother that evening.

"Howay man thats cheating you're practically taking the shot for her like!" sniggered Dean though is cry of horror really was just that.

Sam was leaning over me, trying his best to help me line up a shot which I'd been struggling with, but he was drunk and so was I and it was difficult for either of us to balance.

It was the closest, I thought, I'd ever been to anyone before.

He was stood behind me his arms around mine as I bent over the table and he shadowed my body, his chest hovering over my back.

I felt small between his arms, though j knew that wasn't what I was supposed to be concentrating on. It was difficult to concentrate on anything else though. When his cheek skimmed mine the way it did so that every time he grinned I felt it, his breath over my skin every time he laughed. And when he spoke I felt his voice vibrate through me.

It was as close as I'd ever been to anybody, that I was certain of. Tragic as it may have been it was the most intimate moment of my life.

That was what I was thinking when Sam was concentrating only on the table and the matter at hand. Probably thinking nothing of me at all.

"There'y'are wyn lass," he said, "reckon yas can tap it in from here like," he said, "cmon tiny Bond, win us a pint," he grinned stunning me into silence when he skimmed a subtle kiss to my temple as he pulled away and stepped back to let me take the shot on my own.

It had been subtle enough that for a moment I was sure id imagined it, but when I looked back over my shoulder, hesitating to take the shot, Sam caught my eye again and winked. His cheeky grin shining through when he nodded to the table.

"A believe in you tiny," he said his smile lingering as I turned around, hoping no one could see the blush, hoping that no one had noticed our interaction.

If I hadn't been so worried about everybody else and what they might or might not have noticed, I might have noticed the blush slowly rising in Sam's cheeks too. I might have thought it more than the effect of the alcohol we'd been drinking.

So I took my shot and potted the last red, unable to hold back my proud little grin when I turned to Sam and beamed back at him. He was cheering for me, laughing when Dean tried to claim he'd cheated.

"Nar disrespect to you Wyn," he slurred, "but this wee pricks a..."

"Howay man she took the shot not me!! I canny have cheated!" they were laughing and playing at fighting in seconds leaving me to hover with the cue still in my hand because no one had won the game yet.

And no one did win the game because Sweet Caroline started playing and that was enough of a distraction for those boys.

"Dya dance Wyn?" asked Deano as he tugged on my hand and dragged me to the floor with the others in tow, only Sam trying to protest, blushing and self concious in a way id never really seen him before.

"Nah," I giggled trying to protest too, looking to Sam for help only to receive a despairing smile from him as he shrugged his shoulders and threw an arm around me.

"Like a said," he grinned shaking his head, "am so sorry about these lot," he said making me laugh as his mates jeered at us and told us to get moving.

"Hands reaching out, touching me, touching you..."

The song had always made me feel a little embarassed and self concious, perhaps because it caused the same ruckus every time it played, perhaps because it got everyone acting lary and insane every time, but just then, as Deano and Dru started to dance real dramatic, when Joe started singing at the top of his lungs, and all the attention seemed to circle around me and Sam, all of them trying to get us to join in with them, I felt a blush burning my cheeks and all the alcohol in the world couldn't prepare me for the way my cheeks would flush, the way my heart would speed when Sam gave in, rolled his eyes, apologised to me once more and took my hands, dancing me around the floor just as daft as his mates.

He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me in time to the song, singing and grinning and being so daft that I didn't mind being daft too, singing along though I usually hated to make a show of myself. Usually hated to draw attention to myself.

There was just something at work in that moment, the alcohol probably, that meant when he held my gaze and sang at me, his hand clutching mine, I kind of felt like it was only the two of us in the room. Or at least that no one else was paying us any attention, like we were in our own little world and everything happening around us meant nothing. Didn't matter.

When the song finally stopped we squished around the table once more, our game of pool long since forgotten about.

Some of Joe and Deanos friends had arrived and suddenly out tight little table felt even smaller.

"Looks like were gan have squish," dya want me get in your lap, Dean winked at Joe who shook his head and laughed into his elbow.

"Nah way fatass you're heavy," he sniggered, Dean faking offence, one hand on his hip.

"I'm tiny!!" he cried, "light as a feather me, I'm like a little Russian ballet dancer!!"

"Give over mate," laughed Sam who's arm had at some point come to rest around my shoulder tucking me into his side.

And then somehow, somewhere between their argument and another friend returning to the table with another round of drinks, I found myself squished up and sitting in Sam's lap. He had one arm around me and I felt small, cosy sitting there in the corner against the wall with him. He was warm beneath me and he smelt comforting. He felt comfortingly close to me.

Someone slid a drink across the table to me and as I sipped through another pint I found myself smiling into my glass, the night melting away from me a string of bad jokes and giggling and stupid arguments about music and TV.

I'd never had a group of friends like this before. Id never really fitted into a big group of kids at school and when I'd left and started pulling pints at lowlights, I'd never really felt like one of the team. Always too shy and too anxious to build any kind of relationship.

It was why I was so close to my brother, because hed been the only person who'd remained throughout my life.

Now sitting among Sam's friends I felt a warm glow in my stomach and in my cheeks, and I knew this time that it wasn't just the alcohol.

It got later, though I couldn't tell what time it was or how long we'd been drinking there, and as I tired my head lolled against Sam's shoulder.

I didn't realise what I was doing until I felt his breath on my ear, heard the smile in his voice as he teased me.

"You're so cute," he grinned his voice quiet enough that only I could here.

I didn't say anything, kind of convinced he hadn't said anything either. Kind of convinced I'd fallen asleep and started dreaming.

But when we went outside for a smoke, just us two, he said it again and he said it so clearly that I couldn't mistake it for a dream or for a mishearing.

We were leaning up against the wall, the two of us standing so close, and when I looked up at him I was overwhelmed by him. By how lovely he really was, because he was. Suddenly I was shy and shaking my head.

"Ynar you're proper cute you are," he said, his arm around me because the night was a cold one and his tshirt was doing little to keep me warm.

His words however were and as I took them in, processing them slowly, I felt the familiar heat in my flushed cheeks.

"No am not divnt be daft Sam," I said quietly, looking away from him, looking at my shoes instead so that he wouldn't recognise the disbelief in my eyes.

But he shook his head, almost too enthusiastically as he denied me.

"Nah like, av wanted say it for ages but a always chicken out," he said a little more firm than before, shaking his head dramatically, his grin almost embarassed, almost shy.

"What?" I couldn't help it, not the blush on my cheeks or the way I screwed my face up in disbelief, "You never even talk to me at work?" but he just laughed at that, his voice cracking a little as he grew seemingly passionate about this misunderstanding. His smile contagious so that I found myself grinning along too despite still struggling to believe him.

"Aye cause am always worrying you think am a prick!" he said and I bit my lip, his smile lingered and i found my eyes flitting between his and my shoes.

"A don't think your a prick Sam," I said quietly, shyly, not really sure what to say or how I was supposed to react. All I knew was that our smiles were tailing off and a new feeling was bristling between us. Something tense, something I'd never felt before, an uncertainty laced with a promise.

"What do ya think?" he asked me, looking down at me. I couldn't look away then, and I knew what I wanted but I didn't know how to ask. Didn't know what to say and when I opened my mouth a floundered and lost my words and blushed even deeper than I had done before.

"uh..." I trailed off.

It was my first kiss and his lips were cold, his breath was warm. It was soft and gentle and as his lips moved against mine his hand came up to cup my cheek and all I could think was that this was all I wanted.

We were close, I changed my mind about the pool table.

This here, the push and pull between us, the subtle magnetism seeping from us both, dragging us into one another. This was the most intimate moment of my life.

When he pulled away I could tell he didn't want to because I didn't really want to either. His hand lingered cupping my cheek. His eyes lingered on mine for a moment.

Ia was blushing and he was blushing too and when I saw him smirking at the floor I felt a rush of butterflies flutter through me. Late.

"Wanted kiss ya for so long," he said his voice a breathy almost laugh.

And then we went back inside.

#sam fender imagine #sam fender fanfiction

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unanchored-ship · 1 month

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for your HCs of berry... 18 and 27 :)?

LETS GO BERRY!!!! Time for my lil twink to shine

18. What embarrasses him? Mentions of his love life! Call him a coward! Call him a traitor! He might feel ashamed yes, but if you say he's good in bed he will literally die. His wife is particularly good at that. He's a pretty normal though squishy guy on the surface and romance/sexual stuff ain't really his vibe, but during those rare times when it is (especially during whump) he's an absolute freak!! so no wonder he gets embarrassed lol. Sarah also loves to ship him and Mary (which isn't canon for me, though i like making alternate situations where it is) which obviously can bring a blush to his face. In Weyman he had a mistress named Monterey and in Plaidy he had one named Ms. Lundy, a daughter of Robert Lundy as Plaidy says, and I'm pretty sure both of these gals are fictional. I canon them though, so I imagine he gets embarrassed whenever they are brought up. (they were shit, especially Monterey)

27. What makes him feel dread? Well there's the fear of death of himself and loved ones, but especially death at the hands of another person. Specifically dueling. Like his father and brother were both killed in a duel and that left a deep scar on my boy :( I like to imagine him being there when his brother, John Talbot, was killed in a duel against Henry Fitzroy, 1st Duke of Grafton, and that after killing his brother, Grafton threatened Shrewsbury. Then Berry ran away and cried about it for a week straight and he had no one to comfort him (thanks to his wish to be alone most of the time) so owwwww yeah he dreads duels. (He's still fine with being alone though.) Another thing that makes him feel dread is incompetence. While he isn't big on romantic love and all that he doesn't want Adelhida to run off with another man, so when Charles Mohun 4th Baron, a well known philanderer who dueled multiple people, tries to hit on her, Berry feels extremely bad about himself and wonders if Hida will leave him for Baron Mohun because he's not good enough for her.(wiki suggests there was maybe an actual affair between Hida and Mohun but for Berry's sake it's not canon to me. Hida stays loyal!) His mother also referred to his father as incompetent and foolish and compares him to Berry so that makes Berry feel awful. This also has to do with the government!! Berry has constant health issues so he cannot work for M&W for long periods of time and he constantly thinks they don't find him capable despite how many times they have reassured him of how important he is to them. He also hates it when someone lies about him. Especially if that lie can get him into SERIOUS trouble like the Fenwick accusations! (there is so much lore to expand on my headcanons of Fenwick and him but thats for another post...)

#god i could ramble on #but WOW this was fun to write #i love this man so much #i wanna carry him around #what a pretty man #tragic boy #duke of shrewsbury

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fauslayer · 1 year

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tbh I'm always interested in whatever headcanons you have for anything ever because they're always pretty interesting, anything in particular you want to bring up? Go for it!

thats really kind of you to say 🥺 thank u izzy....

ive been thinking about the Blue Thing 🔵 recently...funneled some of my energy into doodles so i could try to refine what i want to talk about uwa

im actually not sure how much of his deal is possible to gleam from just me being strange the past couple of weeks but for awesome primer bc i love talking about things. sugary spire is a swap au and upcoming fangame for pizza tower starring pizzelle, a nervous, married, and transgender pastry chef at the end of her rope, and "the" pizzano, a baking show host and tv network owner/personality who

well i think this^ is a good enough explanation.

there is no way this man isnt autistic. anyways i like to think he stims by biting his hand like normal peppino does in his idles, but a lot of actual damage is held back by the fact that he wears his gloves all the time. theyre probably made out of some kind of rubbery material (at least on the outside), either purposefully or coincidentally nice to chew. he mostly does this when hes alone or at least off camera; its a whole "image" thing that honestly irritates him.

same with singing! singing is one of his big passions in my eyes (if we get to treat the weird website song hunt arg as canon, i would like to use that as proof that he loves music; enough to get fiercely paranoid about it, even), which fits bc i like. absorbed the headcanon that peppino has a special interest in dance music/mostly eurodance specifically and loves dancing (hence his schmoovement). pizzano has strong opera pipes and loves to sing while he works but he has the lungpower of a boeing plane engine and the projection ability of a car alarm and hence doesnt get to hit his full stride on the air often. he wants to get involved with opera production but they probably think hes too silly or bad for the image. sadge .(

i think ive said a little bit on the subject of pizzanos Accoutrements in the past. i dont think he takes them off. its beneficial for the network presence! its marketable! it covers up very vulnerable and/or identifiable parts of him. despite The Fire being completely nuked from canon i still hc him as going through some kind of fucked up physical trauma event (i still say a fire, just not that one, dont really have a specific idea) so hes got prominent scarring on his face and hands. even besides the Unspecified Cluster B Paranoia he doesnt like the idea of anyone catching his scars on camera. sometimes hell just hole himself up in his room for days because hes freaked out.

he cries easy and switches moods on a dime and is generally kind of someone that should have more concern thrown his way but most of this is covered up by the fact that hes relatively expected to be Wacky and Violent and Loves Incendiary Weaponry!! hes 100% unmedicated because he doesnt like the way any of his pills have tasted for the things hes bothered to get diagnosed (ptsd, adhd) and is a little freaked out of doctors outside of like, first aid medics

thank you for letting me talk about my guy 🥺

#asks

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anewp0tat0 · 2 years

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chapter 192

(part 2 of my review)

cutest thing I've seen in a while.

Finny is the most precious and Snake is the most blorbo, I need to protect them both which is why I'm so scared.

so then, Snake has officially been to an orphanage before his captivity, and then the circus. interesting new information, I'm pretty sure.

unfortunetly I now have 2 questions. 1. how does his past at the orphanage tie in with his current situation. and 2. was his time at the orphanage bad because he was bullied and discriminated, or because something major happened? :/

Snake recognizing this building could probably be swept under the rug, atleast for my radar or suspicioun. Finny recognizing it too though? that's odd. they're definetly not in Germany(though to be fair I did forget what the actual location of this place is. I'll have to look for it if I'm so curious).

so why would both Finny and Snake recognize this building. maybe we're about to see a craaaazyyyyy flashback where finny and snake actually met before in the past😱 but I doubt it. so here are the only other explanations I could think of so far(everyone's free to share their thoughts too in case it wasn't obvious :D)

snake used to be part of a traveling "freak show", where he could have traveled to Germany and seen some place that Finny could have been associated with. this wouldn't make sense for his long term memory, but still.

Finny wasn't born in Germany and instead was brought up for a little while in the same place as snake. again, unlikely to remain in his long term memory(unless it's a repressed traumatic memory hhhhhh nah), plus I unfortunerly don't wanna see another Finny flashback. sorry Finny. but I don't know what else would be important.

the more realistic (but also most uninteresting so probably isn't the) answer, this building resembles one they saw together recently. in London perhaps. this could help solidify the possibility that it is collecting blood(aside from the fact that the other 2 servants have found that), since it would be part of a company or chain.

idk. i also forgot a big chunk of Finnys backstory so maybe it's already canon that he was born and raised in that institution🤷‍♂️ I'm not attached to possibility 2 anyway

but aside from all this let me just show again how amazing they are. Finny and Snake is the combo I always needed and never had. I'm so hyped for these half brain cells.

sorry but I'm confused here. I'm probably slow, but is that supposed to be Ciel's legs? as in, he's the advanced child that they "just fostered out"?

I have no clue how it could be o!ciel, and since they're not showing us his head to indicate an eyepatch, I guess that it could be r!ciel, if it's one of them anyway. this would indicate that r!ciel could have been rehabilitated here(given blood or treatment or protection or smth), and they just "released him"... gave him back to the undertaker. and now the test includes finding out Snake and Finny's blood type, and "the right attitude" being if they're compliment or oblivious.

idk, I can never tell if these are thoughts everyone has or no one has. all I know is that theorizing is not my strong suit, I'm just trying to make sense of this and haven't seen any other posts with this panel yet(I probably missed some right?).

that women just looks mean. Yana subverting expectations? most likely, Idc.

one more thing.

yeaaaa. If this isnt Doll then thats very cruel of yana. the left bangs look shorter than before(no need to hide burn scars any more due to patched skin?...), but the clothes is the same. why would the clothes be the same? to scare us. with the fandom's reaction, she would be eaten alive if she tricked us so hard.

so let's say it's her. already, we know this place collects blood, is connected to the undertaker, yadaydada, that's no longer the focus of these mini arcs. hasn't been since Ada revealed the secret so easily, Yana knows we know patterns. the undertaker brought her here to do what? why isn't she with him, or with r!ciel, plotting how to get back at o!ciel for killing her? who else is with her here?

and more currently, what's about to happen?... If doll is able to recognize that the snake is Snake's, she could either confront him next chapter, which would cause the tension and conflict to rise REAL QUICK. or, she could just hide away for the next few chapters, for whatever reason, until she comes out at the timely dramatic moment. cause as soon as snake recognizes her, I don't think we'll get him back to the funtum fam. not soon....

have a good week!

#i guess my biggest hope is that with all of these questions im asking someone can be prompted to think of an answer -v-#also yana if you make snake and finny fight i will be SO UPSET #i would literally be wrecked #kuroshitsuji #kuro spoilers #kuroshitsuji spoilers #kuro 192 #kuro chapter 192 #kuroshitsuji chapter 192 #black butler #black butler manga #chapter review

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scaredyplane · 1 year

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(personal stuff, big content warning for c@ncer and medical/mental health stuff)

So I've been hesitant to post this publically on any of my socials because I guess I don't want to freak people out, and I'm still coming to terms with it myself, but, it's plaguing my mind so much, and I guess I want support, or just a hug or something.

I went to my doctor to get a few things done, pretty normal stuff, flu shot, prescription etc... But I have had this sore on my head that has been bothering me.

I previously saw a different doctor about it and he told me it was pre-cancerous and could be treated with liquid nitrogen treatment, so I got two treatments done, but it wasn't going away and infact getting a bit bigger.

Mum told me that her doctor, who I used to see, is a skin expert, so I got him to take a look at it, as he used to work in a specialist skin cancer centre, and with one look, he said 'thats definitely cancer' and showed me on the screen that was connected to his magnifier, showing me the characteristics of it and explaining that it wasn't a benign growth.

I immediately went into action mode and asked about treatment and the outlook etc... and he told me he can take it out next week, and that in general, the type I have isn't too dangerous, but if I don't get rid of it soon it can keep growing and might grow deeper, even hitting bone.

While I consider myself very lucky that it's not a more dangerous or aggressive type, it still shook my world, and I'm trying to deal with the emotional after effects of the diagnosis and what it means for the future.

There is a high chance of recurrence, especially in younger people like me, and a chance for more dangerous cancers to form, such as melanoma.

I'm going to be having minor surgery to get it removed, but part of my hair will need to be shaved off and I'll have a scar. I've never had any sort of incision surgery before, and of course I'm nervous about it.

But I'm also really scared of the emotional after effects. I've recently had a bad C-PTSD relapse and I have been trying to work through it, but then this drops right in the middle of it.

I just... I don't feel well, it's a constant thing in my mind, even when I distract myself, it's always there, waiting for me to get back to reality. I don't think the entire gravity of it all has hit me yet and I'm bracing for that.

Sorry for such a long and serious post, but, I needed to get it off my chest.

#ooc #vent #personal #tw: cancer #tw: medical

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tzawa-1y · 2 years

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ummm homestuck au isnt dead until i say it is (never)

i rlly didnt want to post this but then realized i never post enough without just keeping shit in my pockets. and then i wrote a long ass infodump and now i have two (lazy asf) drawings for em

these two r eating my think pan infodump time

rainbow homestuck troll gore below

@nicosbrainrot thank u <33333

alsooo ummmm lore explaination <3333

Copying from discord because im lazy, i will try to explain things for the greater than degenerates <3 rlllly angsty shit

so the setup for these two ooooh man

for any needed contexts, Hoshi in this au is a purpleblood. Highest ranking land dweller, in a society that revels in useless unnecessary violence. Basically, he kills people below him for a living, and is like a celebrity for it too. But, even without that, purples are quite well known for murder and killing, and one look at this scarred as fuck purple with murder in his eyes you should prob run like, whoever you are-

Ikuto is a mutantblood. Lower than the lowest. Like, never show Anyone what color your blood is, you will be killed on sight.

And thats exactly what happened.

so long ago but not actually that long ago actually, these two first met <33 yippee!!

ikuto was getting Damn Assailed by some highbloods, like, these mfs saw a mutantblood and saw murder. Ikuto barely managed to escape through some woods, about on deaths door.

but he runs into hoshi like DAMNIT,, like he's already injured & bleeding so it's basically on display "Hey I'm a mutant!" so he just like accepts his death.

but hoshi sees this dying little man and goes "ooh pretty" and takes him home with them.... and because purples are about 10000000x more resilient hes just like "oh its just a little booboo" meanwhile ikuto is Going To Die.

but once hes patched up hoshi decides "actally im gonna keep him"

i cannot stress this enough their relationship in this au is at such a power imbalance. like. hoshi could gently place ikuto outside and he would be killed. this shit toxic asf.

hoshi basically keeps ikuto in his basement forever now. and its kinda? good? because like, ikuto now has permanent shelter and protection from a very powerful highblood, but also, like,,,,,, ikuto cannot leave. if he wanted to. like now he got hoshi incredibly overprotective & ikuto is kinda just stuck with him. just trapped in this guys basement forever.

but! hoshi loves him very much and spoils the fuck outta his boyfie. they will bring him! so many gifts! and ensure that this basement is the coziest place ever for him hangs out with him all the time and will never let even a whisper of harm come to him. its still fuckin risky but,, hoshi loves him. the one big thing is just like. ikuto cant leave. the kid is still just. kinda lonely :(

but relatively? even if theyre afraid, theyre happy.

but then someone hears about this cool new "sgrub" game.

And suddenly, word gets out about Hoshi, high standing purple attracting attention from three fuschias, being in a secret redrom (romantic relationship) with a mutant, and hiding him in his hive.

drones are sent to his house & havoc insues. hoshi is tryinna find and save ikuto, his massive lusus (dragon dad) is also freaking out and kinda tears the place apart even more. in this calamity ikuto is discovered by the drones while theyre trying to enter their sgurb session.

the drones are Out for ikuto. like. he is going to die. They desperately are simultaneously trying to enter their session, their only real hope of escape. Theyre slamming through trying to get through the progression quickly while fending off drones, which fortunately their server player (doesnt matter) is attentive enough to get them through.

But in the havoc, Hoshi is dead focused on trying to keep the drones off, meanwhile Ikuto prepares the actual session. In this he gets beat. Beat bad. And soon enough hoshi just. Cant even stand. Cant protect ikuto. Scared for the little guys life but literally incapacitated and about to die himself

but fortunately hoshi was just able to hold off just long enough so that Ikuto could get the two of them out of there even while hoshi is on deaths door, but once they enter the session they are Separated and neither know that the other is even Alive

all hoshi rlly knows is that he couldnt protect ikuto forever

and all ikuto knows is the dying body of hoshi behind him as they escape sure doom.

anyways, i love em like a loooot <3333

#bnha oc comeback #knha // kimi no hero academia #homestuck #homestuck oc #fantrolls #tano hoshizawa // nebuleus #farm fresh #tano in 2d #others ocs #tano hoshizawa #ikuto maekawa // cardiac

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funshinebf · 3 months

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more rambling; this time the focus is my mom and our relationship. heed tha tags 👍

i think its crazy when one of my family members like. actually sees how badly something theyve taken lightly or teased me for affects me. like. ive dealt with my phobia of bugs my entire life. i have constantly been teased for being a princess or being too cowardly and dramatic over something so small. but earlier tonight when i had my bug panic (i was grabbing bags of soda bottles from the basement and handing them up to my mom, and a bug crawled out from behind a bag i grabbed and scared me really badly.) my mom had like. a kind of surprising moment of genuine compassion for my phobia? like i was being very jumpy and tense and she did kind of start to pick at me, but i said "please dont be mean to me about this right now. im not doing this because i just think bugs are gross, i have like an actual genuine phobia and im really freaking out right now." like, as calmly as i could manage. and she like, got kinda quiet for a second. and then very gently was like "its okay, just take a minute and breathe." and like, tried reassuring me that there was only one bag left i had to grab and that the bug that was down there would be easy to avoid. it was just like. like i said it was very shocking to me to get comforted over something thats been a source of teasing for so so long, but it was actually like. really touching to me? i sometimes feel like.. im too forgiving of my mom? because like, she has had a pretty significant hand in a lot of my childhood trauma and my current emotional struggles. but she also... she's just a person. she's always just been a person who's doing the best she can with what she's been given. her childhood was also traumatic in a lot of ways, and thats only what i know about. thats only what shes talked about. on top of that, she became a mother when she was very young, and then a single mother pretty soon after that. i cant imagine doing that. and i think part of that is like... why its so easy for me to forgive her sometimes. because i feel like its unfair to her to paint her as some evil mastermind manipulative abuser, when she isnt *trying* to be abusive. she's just working with what she knows. what she's been taught. and she IS trying to get better, and ive seen her get better. i can see how different she is now from my childhood, not just in our own relationship, but with how she treats my little sisters too. and like, she still isnt perfect, she still has room to grow and change. but thats just being human. changing never stops. its not supposed to stop, we're supposed to keep moving forward, hopefully in a kinder direction. its so... it feels so heavy sometimes, having such a complex relationship with my mom and complicated feelings towards her. like. i love her. i really really do. and i know she loves me too, with her whole heart. but... i need to be able to admit that she has hurt me, in some ways that have left very deep scars that will always itch and ache. but i also need to be able to recognize that she didnt do it on purpose. i dont think any parent can ever be the perfect parent. the reality of being human is that you will hurt people, often on accident, often people you love, and often with good intentions. and parents are just humans. parents are humans that have taken on a very big and important and terrifying responsibility. and because of the nature of that responsibility, their mistakes can have much more permanent consequences on those they love, sometimes the ones they love most in the entire world. and thats kind of devastating to me, to think about how awful it would feel to learn about having done that. i can get frustrated with my mom a lot because i feel like she never admits her flaws or wrongdoings, but... while i still dont think its right, i can understand it. she copes with that heartbreak by being in denial. its not healthy, for neither herself nor those around her, but. again, thats what she knows. those are the cards she was given. and she still has room to grow from it. i want her to grow from it, and i want to be there to see it when she does.

i dont know, maybe im too soft-hearted and sentimental, maybe im too forgiving and understanding. but i want to believe in goodness in people's hearts, even when theyre people that have hurt me. waughh

#my post #also like. i know i made a lot of general statements about 'parents'#but obviously this DOES NOT apply to every situation and is only about my own circumstances #<- basically like. everyone is allowed their own feelings about their parents. especially parents that abused them #these are just mine. i would never tell anyone how they have to feel #im really just rambling cause Head Full. Too Many Thoughts #u know how it is!#vent #???#personal #abuse mention #ask to tag

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skylordgrey · 2 years

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honestly, i just wish my life was better. yeah i get it. people have it worse, but can’t i just say that i wish i was a better person, that i wish my life wasn’t this bad? i lost the two of the few people/pets that were precious to me to a fucking brain tumour, i got scars up and down my body for multiple things, including dog bites. my mental health is fucked, im traumatised from every single bite i got. my ex boyfriend essentially sexually assaulted me during highschool after i told him to stop. my then best friend tried to make me go pantsless while she did suggestible moves on me. another friend never appreciated anything i did for her, because her family looked down on me for being poor. I only have two friends that live nearby, but one is in too much pain to go out, the other is isolating himself because of his mother. Going to sweden to see my fiancee takes a big toll on me, even more because of what happened last time, missing my flight, 2 trains, threw up from stress and not eating for 24 hours, and then getting sick for the whole month. im still sick from the same shit and i cant even go to see anyone about it, because every fucking time i go to see someone, they just blame my weight. for the life of me, i’ve tried to lose the weight. i want to lose it so i can get top surgery, but it just wont go. my legs are pretty much the most muscled thing on me, which is a surprise with how my left leg is, essentially fucked, because doctors won’t take me seriously on that too, and they only just now tried to refer me to physio, which then got delayed so yay i guess. i miss my friends, i miss my fucking dog, my grandma, i miss my fucking fiancee and i hate this fucking county. the country is fine, but this county fucking attacked a 13 year old for being gay and tried to justify it, to the point i now have to bring someone with me to the events because im openly gay. im scared i will never get a job with my mental state it is. i fucking worried the fuck out of universal credit with everything i told them, and as soon as i told them, they gave me a work capability assessment, like, ouch. guess im that fucked, huh. i wanted to be an illustrator, and my work coach had such high hopes, until that happened. i also ended up collapsing in a road just outside of the job centre because of my leg, and my eye basically blacking out if thats even possible, because i was so damn stressed. it freaked the fuck out of security, and it freaked the fuck out of my work coach because security saw it all, and i guess that was just the nail in the coffin in the end. i dont enjoy my hobbies anymore. i dont enjoy reading. i dont enjoy listening to music. i just dont enjoy anything anymore. im scared.

#vent #just ignore this #cant really vent to anyone rn #long post #long rant #tw

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