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#ur heath is the most important!
robiinurheart33 · 29 days
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CHAPTER 22 SPOILERS FOR THE NEON VOID‼️‼️
Haha wdym no I didn’t read the chapter almost one month after it came out wdym that’s crazy haha
ANYWAYS NEON VOID BRAINROT ANYONE?? As usual a magnificent read what can I say @sugarpasteltmnt is SO SO talented after I read this chapter I stared off into space for like a solid minute before laughing hysterically like Leo because MY GOD the adrenaline rush is so real. What compliment can I say that hasn’t been said about this fic. It gives me such goosebumps and the action sequences are just. Muah. Breathtaking. I cannot wait to read the next chapter and keep up the good work!! /lh /all pos
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lazarus---rising · 11 months
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you are everything ever to me and i need you to know how important you are and how grateful i am for you . youre just so kind sometimes ill wake up and be sad because for a split second i think it was all a dream but then i remember that youre real and everything is amazig again ur like the most amazing being ever and im so happy i know you and i you've made me a better person and ur always going through so much awful stuff and you dont deserve any of that you deserve all the happiness and heath and comfort but you dont get all that and it isnt fair but i promise you never deserve any of that and i love you so so much and i need you to know that ur so so inkredible i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you/a
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my honest reaction [POSITIVE]
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torujours · 4 years
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omg its late at night but i’ve been binging ur work kdhdjdnnd i love your writing!! would it be okay to req hcs for oikawa, kuroo, bokuto, semi, and iwaizumi with an s/o who stays up really late to study 🥺 if you ever do this, thank you so much!!
˖♡ ˗ˏˋ Lexi's notes: dang you called me out with this one lmao hiya dear! I’m so happy you love my writing and i hope by now you are fast sleep!! but thanks for requesting and enjoy!! ˎˊ-
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ʚ oikawa ɞ
↝ he tries to stay up with you! but he doesn’t last very long lol sleepy boi
↝ understands taking a long time up to work towards a goal but at the same time he would be a little worried you aren’t getting enough sleep
↝ "Y/N you need your beauty sleep~ let’s head to bed now okay?” or “y/nnnn I’m sleepyyy and I want cuddles so bed time”
↝ he just doesn’t want you to overwork yourself plus you are so smart already no need to over study in his eyes
↝ he would just pout and sigh loudly till you give up for the night and head to bed
↝ he demands more cuddles for all the time you spent studying but he is realifed you finally gave your brain the break it needs via sleeping 
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ʚ kuroo ɞ
↝ also tries to stay up with you and is probably studying with you before just falling out
↝ he would differently understand the whole studying thing 
↝ he knows it’s important but he knows that not getting enough sleep could be harmful to you
↝ "Listen up my little bookworm, you need sleep as well as studying plus your books will be there when you wake up ya know”
↝ if you resist, he would sigh all dramatic like then hit you with the facts that you hold more of the information you study when you get a good nights rest
↝ has quite the shit eating grin when you do end up going to sleep cause he thinks he won (maybe he did or maybe he didn’t who knows hehe) but he is also happy you are getting the rest you deserve
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ʚ bokuto ɞ
↝ baby also stays up with you and actually s t a y s up lol
↝ he doesn’t get why you are staying up for something so boring like studying lol but he can see it matters to you and doesn’t mind keeping you company
↝ “Y/N!! Can we do something else than studying? Like watch a movie or something?” 
↝ he is a bright ball of energy who just isn’t a fan of sitting down for a long period of time but he is a fan of you and keeping a watchful eye on you/your heath
↝ he isn’t the easily person to be around while studying but he also can see when you get sleepy and will try to get you to sleep by pulling on your sleeve or resting his head on your shoulder
↝ it’s a victory when you do end up going to sleep finally cause he was super close to hiding your books till you fell out oop
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ʚ semi ɞ
↝ he knows that’s not very healthy and would urge you to get more sleep
↝ "babe... studying is good and everything but sleep is more important right now”
↝ he is all for you studying at a reasonable time, bringing you water and snacks when he checks up on you BUT sleep is more important 
↝ he might even scare you with all these random facts he found about not getting enough sleep but he means well, he just wants you to put your own well being first
↝ he wouldn’t be annoying or anything more like off hand comnents as he forgoes sleep for you to make sure you DO sleep (he doesn’t make it very long)
↝ finally! you put down the book and either he is up, ready for you to fall asleep in his arms or he is passed out in the chair next to you and is going to wake up with a sift neck oof
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ʚ iwaizumi ɞ
↝ you staying up way later than you should? nOT ON HIS WATCH
↝ he understands that studying is important but you also need to take care of your health!
↝ "Don’t you think you have studied enough? I don’t get it, let’s just sleep cause you are clearly tired”
↝ he might be a little harsh about it only cause he doesn’t want you to put your school work or your health and sleep is an ensellale part of keeping yourself happy and healthy
↝ would threaten to take your books away and hide them somewhere if he sees you keeping yourself away just for studying aND MANS WOULD DO IT 
↝ eventually, you give the studying a break and most of the time he and your bed are there to welcome you warmly but the other times mans went to bed without you damn
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fuckingthefictional · 4 years
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Being Ada’s best friend and falling for Tommy would include.
Becoming friends with her after the boys go off to fight
Some much older lad was trying to flirt with her and Ada looked uncomfortable. So...
“Oi you stupid cunt! Can you fuck off before a bullet gets put into your head by yours truly?”
The man scarpered off after being confronted and publically humiliated
Ada recognises you from the first aid church hall thing
“Thanks for saving me back there”
“no problem us small heath girls have to stick together”
“You’re Y/N right?”
“The one and only, And you’re Ada Shelby”
The old bloke returned with some of his friends I guess not liking the idea of being humiliated by a girl
You just took the pistol from your thigh holster and aimed it at them
“Are you bloody deaf? I told you to leave, so off you fuck!”
They didn’t move so you shot the cap off of one of their heads
“I’m giving you 3 seconds you fucking bastards and not a second more.”
They fled of course
“Christ almighty i need a whiskey.”
“I know just the place.”
After that you became fast friends and became super close.
You both go to the Garrison more than you care to admit.
Ada being surprised at how well you can hold your liquor
The only time you were both pissed out of your minds was on your 18th birthday and you just ended up walking around the streets giggling and singing at the top of your lungs.
You both couldn’t look at a bottle of vodka without gagging slightly
You’re the first person who Ada properly opens up to
She talks to you about her family and boy issues she has because she feels like nobody takes her problems seriously or would be willing to listen to her
“I get so worried about my brothers. I feel like there’s a part of me missing without them here. I’m worried that they might be killed over in France.”
“They won’t.”
“Howd you know”
“Because anyone who shares blood with you, Ada Shelby, would: a) never willingly leave someone they love alone and: b) would never go down without a bloody good fight.”
You always knew what to say to make her feel better again.
You both felt like you were each other’s sisters that they never had growing up.
Like you have sleepovers all the time
“If you expect the unexpected then doesn’t that technically mean that the unexpected is expected?”
“Y/N it’s 4am go to sleep!”
One time you’d woken up a bit earlier than Ada had and you were looking at her thinking
“Damn I’m so lucky to have her as my best friend!¡”
Then she rolled over in her sleep and smacked you in the face
The first time you met Polly you nearly shit yourself
Ada has gone to the bathroom, leaving you alone at the kitchen table
“And just who might you be?”
Polly was stood at the entry way, stern, cold look on her faceface, hand by her hip ready to grab a weapon if necessary.
“I’m- um, I’m”
“Bloody hell aunt pol put the gun down, if you must know this is Y/N she saved my arse from getting raped by an old bloke.”
“Let her speak for herself Ada”
“I’m Y/N, I scared an old guy off after he tried to feel her up in a back alley.”
“ScArEd hiM ofF, you shot the cap off of his head and they bolted.”
“Why did you do that, did you think if you scared a man off then the Shelby’s owed you a favour?”
“Nope my life is just a mess and I instinctively take care of other because I don’t know how to take care of myself.”
Polly was a lot more happy to have you around after she found out about what you risked to help her niece.
It started becoming a regular occurance to have you over for dinner or a cup of tea everyday.
You just sort of walked into the Shelby house now.
“Hey- Jesus, stop screaming for fucks sake. We’ve ran out of whiskey!”
You’re an honourary Shelby girl™️
Like you would willingly help out around the house.
Whether that’s cooking breakfast, tidying Finns room, or doing the laundry.
Always being there for Ada and being her biggest support
“Y/N I’ve done something bad. Really bad.”
“Put the corpse in ice, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“WhaT nO?! WhY wOulD I HavE a CoRpsE?”
Obviously being close to Ada meant you got close to Finn and he became a younger brother figure.
He comes to you for advice when he’s too embarrassed to go to his aunt and sister.
This family dynamic yoooooo
You began to help the Shelby ladies to run the betting shop.
You did all the numbers and you could read and write.
You also started to teach Finn how to read.
“What does that say Finn?”
“hoo-agh”
“nO”
If you get that reference then ily
You’d get dating advice from Polly too.
“Remember as ladies it’s all about being A-B-C. Always-Be-Classy”
“And a little bit slutty!”
“Ada’s right be a little bit slutty too.”
You’d help Polly look after John’s children on Sundays when she went to church
They seriously love you. They call you Aunt Y/N/N and they look forward to seeing you every weekend.
When the boys come home from France they found the family dynamic had shifted
They obviously weren’t the same after the shit they went through.
But Ada, Polly and Finn we’re happier than they’d ever seen them be
They were having a family meeting around the kitchen table
And you walked into the house as you normally did. carrying groceries
And as you walked into the kitchen
“Who the fuck are you?”
The shelby lads are aiming their guns right at you, ready to blow your head off.
You just looked at Ada, rolling your eyes, “What is it with your family and trying to shoot me on site?”
“They like to shoot first and ask questions later.”
“Aye I can bloody see.”
You just walked around to the kitchen counter and plopped the bags of shopping down.
Polly casually gave you a glass of whiskey which you downed.
“I’m sorry but who the fuck is this random girl standing in the middle of our kitchen drinking our whiskey?”
“Y/N Y/L/N, pleasure to meet you- I assume your Arthur judging by the attitude you’re giving me.”
Polly and Ada full on snorted
“And you must be John, you look just like Katie. The kids have told be a lot about you.”
“All good things I should hope.”
“Shit there were meant to be good things?”
Polly and Ada crying with laughter
“Boys this Y/N, my best friend, the person who did all the numbers for the shop while you were away, John’s kids’ babysitter, Finn’s teacher and honourary Shelby girl.”
Tommy is just in awe even if he hides it
“Welcome to the family Miss Y/L/N”
“You can call me Y/N”
Sexual tension
“GEt a RoOm!”
“Shut it Arthur”
After a few weeks the boys got used to seeing you around the house more.
Whether it was you sat at the table with Finn giving him advice on his spelling.
Or cooking dinner for John’s little ones on a Sunday (which meant you usually had at least one child on your hip)
Or even just lounging on the sofa in a heap with Ada while you gossiped.
Your qualification in nursing often came handy when one of the Shelby men would turn up battered
“That fucking hurt”
“Aye- you should have thought about this before you got into a fistfight.”
Out of all the Shelby’s it was of course Tommy that took the longest to start a full conversation with you
When it happened it wasn’t under the best circumstances
You went to the pictures on a date with a guy you had fancied for ages and the guy in question was snogging someone else- leaving you in the rain for an hour
You banged on the Shelby’s door looking like an absolute mess.
And Tommy opened the door
He didn’t know what he was supposed to do
Ada was not there *cough* at Freddie’s *cough*
And the house was empty apart from Finn, John’s kids and Polly (who was putting the children to bed)
So you just pushed past Tommy who was stood in the doorway dumbfounded
At this point you were shivering from the cold rain and the tears had stopped.
“Now what’s got you knocking on our door this late ‘ey Y/N.”
“Date went wrong, fucker stood me up.”
You were downing whiskey.
Tommy as much as he didn’t want to admit it hated seeing you upset and he knew you deserved better
It took a while for you to notice that Tommy had draped a blanket around your shoulders and had lit the fire to try and get you warmed up
“Forget the fucker. He don’t deserve a gal like you.”
“Thanks Tommy.”
In the morning Polly came down the stairs to find you and Tommy curled up on the sofa together.
She lowkey rooted for yous to get together
Honestly you found yourself constantly covering for Ada saying she was staying at your house when actually she was with Freddie
Because ur a great friend
“has anyone seen our Ada today?”
“Aye she slept at mine last night and we were up most of the night so I let her sleep in.” Definitely not at Freddie’s
“Up all night, that sounds kin-OW”
“If you must know Johnny boy- we were chatting shit about people- mainly you.”
“Uncalled for.”
“Why there’s so much to talk about?”
You were always involved in covering for Ada
Because your cared about her happiness- which was heavily influenced by her love life.
But actually Ada and Polly paid close attention to your love life too with Tommy
When you Polly and Ada were sat in the kitchen having a catchup- they raised the question.
“When are you going to realise that my brother’s in love with you?”
*que tea being spat out* WHAT
Polly just rolled her eyes and smiled, “dear Y/N, its almost obvious that Thomas is falling for you.”
“What the fuck?”
I think you may have been in a constant state of shock after that.
“We broke Y/N.”
Like you couldn’t quite pinpoint when you started to fall for Tommy
But Tommy definitely remembered the time he knew he was in love with you
You were in the kitchen, with John’s youngest child on your hip- making dinner for all the kids.
While Finn was sat at the table trying to read out bits of a book you’d lended him.
Tommy was stood in the entryway watching as Finn struggled to pronounce some of the harder words and you’d just wander over and explain how to do it.
Like to Tommy family is the most important thing in his life.
You’re not blood related but you still gave up your spare time to look after John’s kids, teach Finn to read or even just comfort Ada after a fight with Freddie.
And Tommy admires you for that- you sacrificed a lot in order to care for his family.
So he’s just leant on the doorframe, cigarette between his lips, watching as you got everything ready for dinner.
And he just thought “she’s gonna be my wife and mother to my children someday”
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peakywitch · 3 years
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hey! I just wanna let you know that I fucking like—wait. No. I FUCKING LOVE ALL OF UR WRITINGS. I’m a silent reader here so reading ur reply to my ask makes me wanna step-up and say that EVERYTHING you do is AMAZING!!! Don’t be conscious abt ur writings bcos tbh, us, readers owe y’all a lot for serving us fics that can minimize the reality even for a sec. Thank you! Thank ya’ll:>> also abt the series, I think we should go for option a but it’s ur acc so do whatever the heck u wnt.S gnna b good;)
GHOST READER HI GOOD MORNING
Writing and reading does the same with me, it makes me fly to 1920 and i arrive in Small Heath and like for a second i forget everything. It makes me so so so so so soooo happy to read every feedback, it feeds me hahaha. I know i should write whatever tf i want but feedback is the most important thing, i always want to please people (i mean it’s even toxic, i speak about this in therapy) so i was like 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 but anyways, thank you so much for this message, and THE PSYCHIC WILL HAVE (maybe) 10 PARTS hahahaha. Have a beautiful day, lovey 🤧❤️
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loving-jack-kelly · 4 years
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pls infodump about ur ocs and their universe‽!
I made myself wait until I’d submitted my last assignment of the night before even Starting to answer this ajhgsjhfgjs but! i’m gonna focus on the OCs for the project i think i’m gonna use NaNoWriMo to work on bc....i love them!
so there’s Barn! full name Barnard Quinn, he looks like a rat but it’s okay because he’s funny and cool and his boyfriend thinks he’s sexy so
and his boyfriend is Chrysanthemum Heath! he goes by Chrys (pronounced Chris but spelled like his name) and has pink hair to match the fact that he’s named after a flower.
and Cassiopeia, who ends up as their friend but first she’s their rival bc she’s better at their sport than they are lmao
but their universe! my friend now you’ve unleashed a can of worms bc while i love character building, world building is literally my favorite part of writing it’s so fun.
so the concept of their world is that it used to be a grand high fantasy land. think kind of like onward, if you’ve seen that, like the culture still kind of reflects wizards and dragons and quests and everything, but it isn’t like that anymore. unlike in onward, though, it isn’t bc technology advanced, it’s bc magic became so common that it isn’t anything special anymore. magic is literally everything, like it has a physical substance and everything is made of it, and why bother controlling it to do fancy things when there’s no need for it? it already turns on the lights, and flicking a switch is much easier than casting a spell.
but! some people still do learn to control magic to do fancy things, because there’s always gonna be people who love to learn how to do things the old-fashioned way. you know, like how people today still do things like hand spinning or weaving, even though there’s an easier way to do things, because it’s not about efficiency, it’s about the art and the process. it’s the same with magic.
now, because magic makes up everything and has physical substance, controlling it is weird. there’s p much (at the beginning of the story but shh no spoilers for the actual plot) three ways controlling it: weaving, pulling, and knotting. it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. magic makes up everything, so it weaves through everything in threads. it can be woven into things, threads can be pulled out of it, and knots can be tied or untied into it. essentially, the entire world is a tapestry that some people can access the threads to.
since i have an actual idea of plot lmao i’m not gonna get into the next bit of magic-stuff but rest assured i have cool idea for something special
anyway! magic controllers (not users bc everyone uses magic but few people control it) are called savants. they have to study, usually for a pretty long time, one specific way of controlling magic. it’s hard work, and you have to find either a master or have access to a tome, which are essentially like the books wizards of old would have used to learn new magic. there are also different types of magic you can do, so you’re a “savant of [blank] and [blank],” with the first blank being how you control magic and the second being what you can do with it.
so! Barn and Chrys are both young savants. Barn is a Savant of Knots and Prophecy. he attaches threads to pencils and paintbrushes, and the picture that results from untying the knot he chooses to untie paints a prophecy. they aren’t necessarily pictures of the future, just the future most likely to happen at the time the knot is undone. they can always be changed.
Chrys is a Savant of Pulling and [Insert cool name for matter manipulation here], meaning he pulls a thread and something like the earth moving or somebody’s shoelace coming untied happens.
Cassiopeia isn’t a savant, but she has the ability to see the threads. this is important, because most magic controllers don’t see the threads, they just feel them.
anyway, Barn makes a prophecy, they have to go on a quest, and the answer is something special that I won’t share unless you ask really really nicely in a dm ajgsjhfgjshfs
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gravitascivics · 3 years
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A STEP FROM CALVINISM
This blog will now turn to an effort this writer will revisit in the future.  He fears he might have misled the reader of this blog a bit and this effort is meant to clear any misconceptions.  He has repeatedly claimed that the US had as a dominant view of governance and politics what he calls the parochial/traditional federalism view or construct.  He described that view in more or less positive language although he has pointed out that it encouraged or justified Americans holding racist and other xenophobic beliefs, attitudes, and values.  
He didn’t underestimate those negative qualities, but he did want to make sure the reader appreciates its positive qualities.  The positive qualities have to do with the construct’s set of espoused values of community, partnership, and collaboration.  But at the same time, people who held on to its espoused values made no excuses for the exclusionary policies its adherents proposed and maintained. Those policies included slavery, discriminatory practices, and other exclusionary behaviors Americans commonly put into effect.
Probably the most direct and unambiguous pronouncement of this exclusion can be found in the Supreme Court’s decision in the Dred Scott Case. Chief Justice Taney clearly states that African Americans – be they enslaved or not – were not part of the partnership the Constitution established.   Here is a portion of that decision:
In the opinion of the court, the legislation and histories of the times, and the language used in the declaration of independence, show, that neither the class of persons who had been imported as slaves, nor their descendants, whether they had become free or not, were then acknowledged as a part of the people, nor intended to be included in the general words used in the memorable instrument … [1]
Taney here is not shy of what he interpreted the founding compact to be in terms of African Americans.
And a lot of this exclusion falls in line with certain religious biases generally held but originating with the Puritan settlers of the Massachusetts colony and, in general, in the New England.  It was the Puritans who introduced the covenanted approach to the establishment of governments.  
Puritanism was based on Calvinism that, in turn, believed in strict moral precepts, predestination, and a rebellion against adorned trappings and the hierarchical organization of the Roman Catholic and Anglican Churches.  Through these beliefs, that tradition promoted an equality within its congregations and as interpreted in governance, this sense of partnership was strongly encouraged but as indicated years later by Taney’s opinion, was limited to those considered part of the “tribe.”
Such scholars as Donald Lutz[2] have traced how these precepts, especially those based on congregational ideals, worked their ways into the various founding documents.  These documents were drawn in the localities within the original thirteen colonies.  One can also detect them guiding the development of the states as the nation initially established its governments and expanded westward across North America.
This posting begins this writer’s effort to take a closer look at that historical record.  The postings that will further this effort will not be immediately follow each other (although the next posting, at least, will continue this posting’s message). Instead, this topic will be revisited here and there but with more frequency in the upcoming year or so.  
This first installment looks at the effect of this tradition on the development of the nation’s public schools.  And the first topic has to do with the hiring of teachers.  By the 1820s, school officials were finding it difficult to fill teaching slots in what had been a male dominated “profession.”  The problem was a reluctance to raise either taxes or church contributions to pay men sufficiently.  
The option was to hire women to those positions.  In terms of timing, this coincided with the efforts to establish independent public schools especially in Massachusetts and through the work of Horace Mann.  His story is telling in terms of how parochial/traditional federalism influenced the development of the nation’s initial efforts to provide public education.
And it is with him that this blog begins its look at this development. Relevant to this story, Mann was elected to the lower house of the Massachusetts’ legislature in 1827.  His political leanings encouraged him to join up with the initial political organizing that led to the establishment of Whig Party. This was a movement that brought together socially liberal advocates with northeastern business interests.
They were liberal in that they pushed for the establishment of insane asylums and for public funding of schools for the deaf and blind.  He himself argued for an end to the death penalty and doing away with lotteries as being unchristian.  He attained a level of notoriety when he was assigned to investigate the burning of a Catholic convent in the town of Charleston.  This led to his political advancement that resulted in his election to the state senate.
An ironic aspect of his story was his belief in phrenology – the belief in and analysis of people’s physical attributes as causal factors in their behaviors.  He, unlike others who looked at such characteristics, used the derived analyses as a way to discover potential shortcomings in people that could be addressed by education.  
That is, “[d]uring the nineteenth century, phrenology was considered a progressive ideology.  Its proponents believed that each individual’s deficiencies could be identified, then ameliorated through schooling; … [and therefore] would eradicate poverty and crime in just a few generations.”[3]  Interestingly, he saw the utilization of phrenology as a substitute for the prevailing reliance on religion to guide such judgements.  Further, through that guidance one could lead challenged individuals – even arsonists – to productive lives.
This bent in his public acts did not go unnoticed by local religious personage and elicited a fire-and-brimstone sermon reaction from the local Calvinist preacher.  But the experience led Mann to take up education as an issue that would lead him to establish his place in American history.  School reform became his life’s work.  And in this he bucked the thrust of Whigs who favored laissez faire policies in the economy and other social areas of concern.  
By the late 1830s he was leading Whigs to establish a state board of education to oversee Massachusetts’ local schools and to institute compulsory education.  By that time, as a state senator, he left the legislature to become the first state’s secretary of education.  He took it upon himself to become versed in educational theories and looked to reputable systems particularly Prussian schools.  That European system in the nineteenth century instituted various policies to upgrade the teaching profession including higher pay and prohibition of teachers holding other jobs.
From the Prussian example, Mann instituted the policy for the Massachusetts’ school system that every school have a library and that the state established “normal schools” for the purpose of training teachers.  Again, normal schools were originally only open to women applicants – the reasoning being women could be paid less than men. Later in the twentieth century, these schools were converted into regional state colleges (having lower admission standards than state universities).
Unfortunately, much of Mann’s reasoning for these sexist policies had to do with his sexist beliefs.  While he saw teaching as a woman’s profession, albeit economic reasoning was offered, he also believed women were not appropriate for certain occupations such as politics, military, and journalistic professions – they were not suitable due to their “black and sulfurous” environments.
All these elements of the Mann’s story were instrumental in defining how Calvinist traditions and biases affected the development of American education. The aim is to give the reader some of the detail of how this influence was felt and give a hint, at least, as to why it finally gave way to the natural rights view.  There were various social and political forces that pushed toward the eventuality of that transformation.
[1] “Dred Scott v. Stanford, (19 HOWARD 393 (1857)),” in Major Problems in American Constitutional History, Volume I: The Colonial Era Through Reconstruction, ed. Kermit L. Hall (Lexington, MA:  D. C. Heath and Company, 1992), 463-470, 465.
[2] Donald S. Lutz (ed.), Colonial Origins of the American Constitution:  A Documentary History (Indianapolis, IN:  Liberty Fund,1998).
[3] Dana Goldstein, The Teacher Wars:  A History of America’s Most Embattled Profession (New York, NY: Doubleday, 2014), 23.  The historical information in this posting is drawn from this source.
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priidewrought · 5 years
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hi there loves ! my name’s jaz, i’m twenty-two, & i’m super excited to bring to life these 2 total messes – elias durand and heath heartfield. literally polar opposites, i always do this to myself smh. if you wanna’ plot with either of these 2 pls feel free to hit me up or like this post & i can come to you, i’m super thrilled to get into it and develop them so throw each and every one of ur ideas right @ me.
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ELIAS DURAND. thirty-two, noctis circle witch, #sleepuntil11club !
TRIGGER WARNINGS: captivity, torture mention, death.
meet elias! the (current) eldest of the durand clan who has never given off the impression once in his life. a laidback dude with a way of looking at the world that almost makes you jealous, elias is warm, patient, and forgiving (and makes a mean vegan chocolate fudge cake).
he’s definitely considered the heart by most people who know him. he follows it, he listens to it, he nurtures it. this makes him pretty impulsive too, and he doesn’t care to spend time on anything that makes him or those that he loves unhappy.
elias was raised by two very devout dark witches, and has an appreciation for his craft that might not be at first evident. he owns a small, rooftop garden in the city where he raises each and every animal for sacrifice by hand. he believes in giving them fulfilling lives to imbue them with even more power, and this sort of belief echoes in everything he does. he’s a vegan, he avoids pollution by walking wherever he goes, and he’s likes to live as zero waste as possible. whilst you might think he has the mindset of a light witch, elias firmly believes his actions help him be a much more effective dark witch.
his grandfather had been an important figure in elias’ life. having been subject to intense persecution for nearly every part of his being, his grandfather instilled in elias to not be afraid of death, but to welcome it like an old friend. to live life without consequence and to love freely. that has been elias’ mantra for as long as he’s lived, his grandfather’s words ringing true in his ears more often than he even realises.
he has an immense wanderlust bug. he started travelling as soon as he left high school at age eighteen, not wanting to attend college and condemn himself to more years of education. through this he learned the dark magic ways of plenty of other circles out there in the world, fascinated by the small differences that made big impacts. he’s a lover of culture and travel, and it’s always been hard to keep this dreamer held down.
being such a beacon of positivity and adventure, however, has not protected elias from harm. on his travels when he was 25 years old, elias was unexpectedly caught by witch hunters, who had first descended upon him simply for the colour of his skin, then relished in the fact he wasn’t human either. he was caught, subject to brutal conditions, transported from place to place as the hunters sought someone who would pay them greatly for the blood of a witch. the details of his escape to this day are still fuzzy and vague in his mind, but there’s said to be a boiling crater somewhere in the south of france, forever etched with the blood of far too many men to count. he doesn’t speak about it in detail to many, he says he doesn’t like to dwell on the negative, but he isn’t sure he’s even able to discuss it.
he works at the local dispensary & really loves his job because he gets to make peoples lives better and take away their pain.
he LOVES his family more than anything in the world. even on their off days, elias loves them to bits and is faultlessly loyal. 
HEATH HEARTFIELD. twenty-five, hunter, dumb bitch.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: physical abuse.
heath! what is there to say about heath! massive asshole, is the first thing. a weathered hunter despite being just twenty five, heath is no sweetheart, having little patience for anyone or anything besides his job. raised by a monster to become something much worse, he’s a pretty nasty piece of work.
whilst heath was growing up and learning the ways of hunting, his father would constantly pit him against his twin sister, petra. whilst siblings should usually unite and stand together against their common enemy, heath chose to take a much darker path, falling victim to his father’s brainwashing, seeing his twin as his enemy. his arrogance and his pride laid the path for a horrible world view. heath always had to win. he always had to be right. he always had to be the strongest.
his father had never laid a hand on him until he was eighteen years of age, when his sister had finally surpassed him, and his father saw him as truly weak for the first time ever. whatever brotherly love heath had managed to retain for his sister was gone. it was beaten out of him over a brutal 6 hour session and he was never quite the same. his main focus from that point on was survival, by any means necessary. hunting for him isn’t a job, it’s a way of survival. he survives by pleasing his father, and his father is pleased only if the blood of non-humans paints heath’s skin.
despite hunting being a large part of his life, heath also has a degree in computer science, done at a university in another state as part of a much larger, undercover mission for his father. even his own accomplishments, things he should be wildly proud of, were pushed to the side. 
he doesn’t have an actual job, to most he says he’s unemployed or working random bar jobs and he’s too caustic for people to probe any further, instead he’s always on call to his father. 
despite elias being the one who works at the dispensary, heath’s the stoner. he’s unable to sleep without a joint every night and it’s one of the few things he allows himself to keep from his family. he often finds his mind racing, and for him the drug slows him down just enough to allow him to get about five hours of much needed rest.
when it comes to love and friendships, heath isn’t entirely impenetrable, he’s just insanely unlikable, and this tends to turn people away. however, people that have been in heath’s life for a long time are treated to an ever so slightly different side of him. they gain glimpses of the boy who once loved to skateboard, who once painted strange rocks he found on the street and hid them beneath the floorboards of the family home, the boy who has a penchant for sweet things and the smell of lavender. there are many things about heath that make him human, they’ve just been expertly hidden.
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kazmorosov · 5 years
Text
|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||
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hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby
tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,
gen. info:
full name: kazaran nikolai morozov
nickname(s): kaz
b.o.d.: december 14th
label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.
height: 6′4″
hometown: bangor, maine
sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?
biography:
born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names
his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important
his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)
and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator
kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’
grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment
was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough? 
which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry
he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father
b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/
very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.
this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else
kaz has, however, always loved his mother.
jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind
the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband
aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?
loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em
AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school
for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.
went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.
and he was fine w/ it, man
his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first
it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine
jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine
kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life
sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya
n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately
it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst
kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task
and well...jane never got better, only worse
it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.
one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.
and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??
they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.
as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.
he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows
the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.
and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well
freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much
turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.
probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh
got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??
his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried
his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature
so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow
his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her
also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?
anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point
drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that
personality:
likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know
likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating
he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?
can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?
gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down
but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??
because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?
he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly
like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that
probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm
uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it
takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.
smart, with dumbass energy
like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??
loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now
but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.
uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.
probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man
wanted connections:
got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?
other friends in general, honestly
professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn
a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE
ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO
people...concerned? for him?
bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP
a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot
uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb
like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !
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kpopficcys · 3 years
Note
hey 🥺 it’s daisy
sorry for disappearing like that i just,,, i was getting a lot of anon hate and it was starting to really affect me mentally :( i’m probably gonna remake my blog soon but right now i’m not in the best place
also we most definitely are friends:)
Nsjdjdndjdjndjdmdjdnnxjddnndjdjdnndndjdjdj
Jsjdjrd
Jdjdjrjfjf
Ndjdjfnfjfnfjf
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!
…I missed you 🥺
But i get it and u dont have to start your blog up again ever if u dont wanna. Ur mental heath and jus general happyness is whats most important
Don’t apologise either bubs u did nothing wrong (unless worrying me to death counts)
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taetae-tea · 7 years
Text
The Blog Writer
Genre: little tiny bit angst/smut... yeah mostly just smut/fluff at the end
word count: 4.1K and 17444 Characters [A/N: idk why I put that there but the website where I looked up my word count also gave me this information. I thought it was cool.]
Paring: JungkookXreader
Warnings/keywords: losing virginity; so it’s a bit cute; kitchen scene is attending the party; anal; sex because of need; eventually turns into fluff though; oral; vanilla-sex; climaxing on body parts; cutie Jungkook; IF UR UNDERAGED ‘u better watch out, you better not cry’ AFTER READING THIS STORY, CAUSE I AM WARNING YOU RIGHT NOW.
Summary: You are the most famous Jungkook smut-writer, but Jeon Jungkook himself isn’t quiet happy about it himself. For him, on a drunk night, there is one way to fix his problem and then is to visit you.
A/N: I haven’t really ever told you guys, but you can always leave an request if you want! One day, I will run out of ideas... but than I can just use your cool ideas so yeahhhhhh. BYE xoxo ~gossip girl
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As soon as the school bell rang, you quickly packed your things and walked fastly out of the classroom. You got your things out of your locker and then ran out of the school building.
You were excited, because you had an new idea for an smut story. 
You got the idea during math class, where your hot teacher was explaining something, but you didn't care much and began to fantasize about the teacher. You suddenly saw the teacher changing into Jungkook, so you were quick to make an note in your phone, not wanting to forget about the idea.
As soon as you came into your apartment, you got to your laptop and immediately began writing.
The story was meant for you blog. You have a lot of followers and a lot of people liked your stories. You upload almost every day around 7 o'clock, just like today. The writing usually takes 1 to 2 hours and it has around the 4K words. At first, you just was that innocent girl, but now that you’ve been writing this stuff you’ve become a lot bolder. 
You sigh as you clicked on the 'upload'-button and then got yourself some hot chocolate. After that, you also got yourself some food and then went to go have an shower.
As you walk out of the bathroom, having a towel wrapped around your torso, your door bell rings.
You: 'Ahh, that must be unnie.'
You walked towards the door while smiling brightly.
You opened the door. Your smile suddenly disappeared into thin air. 
Am I hallucinating right now? How is Jeon Jungkook in front of my door? Did I miss something? Like a secret life I don't know of myself?
Jungkook is standing in front of you with widened eyes. He stares you down and then up at your eyes again. You just froze on your place, not daring to make any movements.
Jungkook: 'Uhmm, it would be more comfortable to talk when you are dressed...' he says nervously.
It can talk. Oh god it is him. But why? And how?
You dragged yourself out of your spot as you signaled him to come inside, still wide-eying him. He smiles awkwardly and walked inside. He sits on your couch and you sit next to you
Jungkook: 'Why aren't you going to change?'
You look at him for a moment before finally daring to talk
You: 'Oh, you're right. Wait here for a minute, or something.'
This is a dream. This can't be true. The famous Jeon Jungkook is in my apartment right now. All these thoughts walked through your mind after getting yourself some clothes and walking into the bathroom
After you quickly got your clothes on, you went back to your small livingroom
Seeing Jungkook sitting there in his glory made you a bit shook again, still not thinking that this could be real.
You sit next to him again and he began to speak.
Jungkook: 'The reason why I am here today, is because of your stories. I excitingly got on your tumblr account and there were some really dirty stories written about me. I want you to take them down, I'm uncomfortable with them.'
You stare at him for a second, progressing the information.
He wants me to delete the stories? But I've put alot of efford in it... I will let people down... He might not realize it, but it is something I really love...
You: 'I... Don't want to delete it...' You say hesitatingly. You don't know how you survived that sentence, but you know what you want right now. You really like that blog and you've made effort to make the stories. You also feel a certain 'you-are-not-my-boss-just-because-you-are-famous'-feeling.
Jungkook's expression changed to a more angry one. Jungkook: 'If I say no, it is no. You hear me?' He almost yells out loud.
You: 'Why are you even making this such a big deal? Have you never seen any of these stories before? I'm not the only one.' You blurded out with confidence dripping off your words.
Jungkook: 'Do you want to know the real story? The hyungs have actually been torturing me because of your stories. You only write about me and you are almost all over tumblr. You are also very pretty, what I once said to my hyungs, and then they started irritating me.'
At his last breath, you finally noticed why he is acting like this.
You: 'How low can an celebrity sink, drinking and crying like an little baby about something this little?' You sigh out, making him more mad than he already was.
Jungkook then grabs your wrist and pinned you down on the couch while he hovers on top of you. You let out a small scream. He looks at you with threatening eyes. You can see his sweat dripping down his face and as you look down as his pants, you can see the slight boner poking.
Jungkook: 'How far can you sick? Letting an men inside your apartment, he drunk and you half-naked opening the front door.'  
He looks straight into your eyes, making you to admire his face. His appearance is flawless, but it is his internally that has to be flawless. You push him away from you and you stood up.
You: ‘What the fuck are you planning right now, because it isn’t working as you see. Go home and handle your little problem there, I have better things to do.’
Jungkook: ‘Like, making another dirty story about me? Just take it down already, I can go home then.’ He says annoyingly.
You: ‘You don’t know how important that blog is for me. It could’ve been someone else whom I would write about, but you are just easier to imagine.’ You confess. Although you hate to confess it, it is true. Because of his big thighs, flawless features and a dick that is pretty noticable through the pictures you've seen.
Jungkook: ‘Why? Is it that obvious that my dick is big or something? Can you imagine it better? Can you imagine my body better than other kpop-stars? This is just gross.’
You look around violently, trying to come up with a good come back.
He suddenly stands up from his place and put his hands on your shoulders. He pushed you back until your back found the refrigerator. You stared into his beautiful eyes, not knowing what action to take.
Jungkook: ‘I can let it slide, under one condition.’
You froze on your place as your mind wandered off to all kinds of scenarios that you’ve written. You’ve actually written a scenario like this.
Jungkook: ‘that we’re going to do one of your scenario’s.’
Oh, so this was his real reason to come here?
He closed the gab between your hips, making you feel his erection poking on your clothed hood. You gasped a bit while looking away from his eyes.
Jungkook: ‘You’re 19 right? So it won’t be a problem.’ He says as he moved closer near your ear.
Jungkook: ‘Do you want to know a little secret?’ He whispers into your ear.
You just hold still, blood reaching your cheeks, making them redder than they already were.
Jungkook: ‘I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I knew from the pictures that you were gorgeous, so I wanted to confirm that by coming over.’
You feel the heath reaching your whole body, but mostly at a certain part of your body. You are already getting wet for him and you aren’t even holding it back. You are making a decision right now. To give your virginity to a celebrity who you aren’t really loving, or not to do it.
Jungkook: ‘Every day, when I needed to relieve myself, I thought about you. Your smooth skin, beautiful eyes and your cute lips.’
You: ‘Then, if I’m going to do this with you, are you just gonna throw me away? I feel like I’m going to be wronged. Getting my hopes up for feelings that never existed.’
With that said, he looked into your eyes again and you can see a slight concern washing over his face. His hand went up to your cheek and he softly stroked it. He then leaned in and gave you a soft peck. His lips are perfectly capturing yours and it felt like you could sink into his touch.
Jungkook: ‘I would never do that. I may have done that in the past, but I’ve been longing for you too long to let go.' He says sweetly, but you know that he is drunk and that he is saying words carelessly. But you are actually beginning not to care anymore. You want him and you can see that Jungkook senses that too. He picks you up and placed you on the dining table. He moved your skirt upwards while he kneeled down in front of you.
Jungkook: ‘I knew it. You didn’t put on panties.’
Wut. How can I forget-... Well, it’s only easier now I guess.
He looks up at you as he moved closer to your exposed entrance. You now became even wetter for him and as he placed an kiss on your wetness. He looks at your changing expression as you began to moan because of his little touch. You are really sensitive right now and he is totally going to use that fact. He partens your lips and flicks his tongue over your clit, making you shiver and gasp loudly. Your hips buckle forward, wanting to feel more friction. His tongue got down to your entrance and inserted his tongue into you. You close your eyes as you let out another loud moan. His tongue goes in and out of you in a quick pace, almost making you see stars. He then stops and moved up to your level again. He smirks while giving you a quick peck. You want to whine, but he was quick to cut you off.
Jungkook: ’Shall I replace it with my dick?’ He asks seductively.
You nod slowly.
His smirk only grew as he grabs your ass, signaling you to wrap your legs around his waist, so you did. He brought you to the bed, what was only 4 steps away and let you fall on the bed as he took a step back again.
Jungkook: ‘Have you ever seen a idol stripping in front of you?’ He asks hungrily as his hands began to undo his belt. You shook your head as your eyes wandered down to his belt. As soon as he undid his belt, he got rid of his shirt and then his jeans. He threw the clothes somewhere into the room, making you breath to hitch.
Jungkook: ‘Can you get rid of this please?’ He says as he points at his boxers. You scooted forward to him and you placed your hands on the edge of his boxers. You slowly pulled them down over his hips and his muscular thighs. His erection sprang free and you let out a gasp. You look up at him a bit scared, but he immediately stroked his hand over your head.
Jungkook: ‘It isn’t your first time right?’
Your eyes widen even more. Is that a problem? Doesn’t he want to have me when I’m not skilled enough?
Jungkook: ‘Wait, you haven’t? Is this really your first time?’
You nod shortly as you began to grow scared for his reaction. But to your surprise, his look softened.
Jungkook: ’That means that I get to be your first. I will be slow on you my baby girl.’ He says sweetly.
He pulls his boxers fully down and hovered above you. He straddles your thighs and you can feel his dick touching your thigh. He gives you a little peck again and then put his hands on the edge of your shirt. He pulls them up and off, making your breasts to expose immediately, because you didn’t put on a bra either. His hands roamed over your sides and then up to your breasts. He makes circles around your nipples while watching your expression closely, not wanting to do anything wrong with your body. 
He moved closer to your chest and then put his mouth around your nipple, flicking his tongue over it. Your head moved back as you tensed under him. You liked the feeling and Jimin immediately made a note of that. He then moved away again and turned your whole body around until you laid on your stomach. He sipped down your skirt and got rid of it. 
You are now fully exposed to him. 
He looked to up and down, already falling in love with every little part of you.
Jungkook: 'I made the right decision.' He sighs to himself.
He then hovers back up to your face and immediately began to bite your lower lip, making you groan in anticipation. His tongue slowly runs over your pressured lip and then sucked violently on it. You arch your back as you closed your eyes because of the sudden pleasure you received. Then he pulled back a bit, slowly brushing your lips together and breathing loudly.
'Your lips are so delicious.’ He sighs before pulling you into a heathen and rough kiss. Your tongues immediately intertwined and massaged against each other softly. His hands went from your hips up to your breasts again as he slowly becomes addicted to your soft skin. You softly groan into the kiss as you quietly whisper his name through it. He moans softly in response, making your core drip.
He pulls away from you as he gasped for air. You just look at him with full lust as you wait for him to do something to you.
‘Are you sure?’ He suddenly asks. Your expression changed from an lust-full one to an questionable one. ‘I don’t want to force anything upon you actually, I just got a bit too caught int the momen-.’  He couldn’t finish the sentence because of your sudden action to him.
You had grabbed his length in your hands and immediately loved the warm and soft texture of his erected dick. You slowly began to slide your fingers up and down his shaft. His breathing is becoming heavier with every pump. Only the way he is breathing can make you come twice without touching yourself.
His body is still perfectly hovered above you as he leans his head down on your shoulder by the receiving pleasure. ‘Fuck (y/n)… Just like that…’ He whispers into your ear. You can feel the goosebumps rilling up your spine by the air that left his mouth.
He slowly began to thrust his member into your hand out of instincts while groaning loudly. You are getting wetter with the moment and you are becoming very impatient. 
The aching feeling between your legs need attention, so you stopped your movements on his dick. He began to whine irritated, but got shut as you move up a little. You exposed entrance is now right in front of his erection. He makes eye contact, not looking sure about the whole thing suddenly.
‘Don’t worry, I want this as much as you do.’ You smile at him.
He sighs out of relieve, even though he isn’t really satisfied with your encouragements yet. He then grabs your knees and pushed them forwards to create more room for him. His hands rested on your thighs and positioned himself in front of your entrance. His eyes were fixed on your expression the whole time and when he knew that you were ready, he pushed himself inside of you slowly. He wanted you to feel every inch of him, but not to make you grow pain because of it. 
The moment that his tip had found its way in, he placed his hands beside your body and hovered perfectly over you.
’Say it when it hurts.’ He says with concern. You nod while crossing your legs together on his back. He then slowly pushed inside of you further, still watching your expressions closely. He is stretching you out to the fullest, making it quiet painful for you but still enjoyable. You close your eyes as you tried not to concentrate on the pain.
Jungkook smoothly thrusts himself inside of you for the last few inches and then held still. Your back has arched slightly as you made a slide moan escape you mouth. You feel that he is giving you the time to adjust and to calm down a bit. The way he moves makes it seem like he is some what experienced, what you’re a little bit shocked of. But he is still a guy with needs and there are a lot of pretty girls around him, he may seem innocent but he really is not.
He breathes loudly and his gaze is fixed on yours. You just look into each others eyes while feeling the way that your bodies are connected with each other. He looks lustfully but still sincere at you, making you question yourself if he might be into you in a more personal way.
‘You look so beautiful under my body, baby.’ He whispers.
There appeared an smile on your face. ‘You can move Jungkook.’
He narrows his eyes a bit, taking his time to inspect your expression if it was really okay for him to move. After your gave him an approving nod he finally began to steady himself proper on his knees, sitting straight while grabbing your hips to press against his body. the sudden action made you yelp a little bit, making him groan by your cute noises.
’I swear the god I’m going to fuck you all night.’ He mumbles under his breath.
He then suddenly slowly began to pull out of you, only to slam back into you with a great force. You moan loudly while closing your eyes tightly by the sudden overloading pleasure. He looks at your expression closely before repeating the same action for the second time, this time making your back to arch and your breath to hitch loudly. The sounds and the movements your body produced woke a beast up in his body, so he began to thrust a lot faster into you. His thrusts are deep and steady and was already looking for your g-spot. The skin slapping noises along with the smell of sex began to fill the room slowly.
You were moaning loudly and grabbed the sheets under your body. Every thrusts of his dick into your entrance made an certain feeling growing into your insides.
You look up at him, directly into his eyes. His eyes got addicted to your body and how it moved against his body. The way you are moaning and yelling his name while he is thrusting harshly inside of you, made him even hornier than before. He grabs your bouncing breast with one hand and slowly pinched your nipple, making you sigh out of pleasure. He was slight amazed by the affection that he has on you while doing these kind of things to you.
Then he suddenly pulls out of you and turned you around on your stomach, making you gasp loudly by the sudden action. He straddles your body again and thrusts into you from behind. The new angle made it easier for him to thrust down and to hit your g-spot with every powerful thrust he gives you. His hands hovered over your body and came closer to your ear, gently breathing onto the exposed skin. ‘Baby… You are so tight and beautiful.’
You groaned in response and turned your head to his side, immediately planting an long and lustful kiss what makes you gasping for ear afterwards. His thrusts are becoming sloppier with the second and his breath his becoming heavier. He was nearing the end and honestly, you were too. He then snakes his hand down your sides down to your core, you arching your back to give him more room. His hand slides over your clit, letting the feeling in your stomach increase a lot faster than normally. His other hand is holding firmly onto your hip and you know for sure that it will leave bruises for the next morning, but you love the idea.
‘J-Jungkook…’ You whine into his ear. 
He groans loudly again, loving the way his name roll of your tongue. 
‘fuck (y.n)… ‘
You can feel the bed moving along with you and making slight noises by the force that Jungkook is putting into his hips. ’Say my name again (y/n)…’ He demands and you obeyed.
‘Jungkook daddy…’ You moan as he hit your g-spot again.
‘Oh my god (y/n), do that again…’ He almost cried out loud.
His hand which have been remaining onto your clit got up to your hips, along with the other hand. He forcefully pushed you closer to him every time that he pounds into you, making the whole thing a lot intenser. Your climax has almost reached its destiny and you know that Jungkook is close too.
‘Daddy… I need to cum…’ You say breathingly. You hear him groan at the moment that you called him daddy, but began to reach for your g-spot after you said that. 
‘Daddy-ahh… Fuck.’ You moan out loud. He hovers above you and placed an little kiss on your exposed shoulder.
’Then come for me baby.’ He whispers into your ear.
He thrusts into you for a few more times strongly before you can feel your climax wash over you, moaning and groaning loudly. Jungkook kept his pace for a few more thrusts before pulling out and coming on your back. He let out a few groans as you can feel the liquid slide down the small of your back. 
He was quick to lay beside you and to calm down himself before standing up again and to get something to clean you up with. After he cleaned you up, he laid beside you again and pulled you tightly against him by your surprise.
‘I really don’t know what to say…’ He says while looking into your eyes.
‘I sobered up at the moment that I was ready to fuck you… I’m so sorry about this mess. I wasn’t planning on this and-.’
You cut him off by placing your lips against his soft lips. You slowly move against his lips and after that slowly licking his lips. ‘I don’t care anymore, I’m just great full that the jeon jungkook wanted to be my first…’ You say suddenly a bit shyly. 
He looks down at your reddened cheeks and suddenly began to smile at you, making you to look up at his eyes.
‘You’re really cute you know?’ He let out a chuckle.
He pulls you even closer to his body now.  His arms are so comfortable and warm as his scent is spreading across the room. But then you sighed.
‘You will probably be gone tomorrow… This was or a dream, or an one-time-only kind of thing…’ You sigh to yourself.
He frowns and looks questionable at you before turning back to an smirk. ‘Do you really think I would leave you? I just had the best climax since years, I can use someone to help me with that.’ He laughs.
‘I’m actually also looking for a girlfriend, since I’m going to produce my own songs in a while, but I basically don’t really have had an relationship yet…’ He says a bit shyly, making you the one to chuckle this time.
‘Aww, our little jungkook didn’t have a girlfriend before? I guess that I can help you then.’ You say teasingly. He only chuckles while placing an soft kiss on your forehead.
‘Jagiya.’ He suddenly says.
You looked first a bit shocked at him, but then you giggled loudly. It felt so weird, but it made you  happy and excited at the same time. Jungkook also had to giggle as he pushed your head into his chest.
‘You’re not going to escape from me (y/n), because I won’t ever let you.’
A/N: HOPE YOU LOVED THIS ONE~ it took me so long to write this though T-T
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twh-news · 7 years
Link
[Heartbreaking. That’s all I’m going to say. JUST READ IT. Plus there’s a video on the site!]
Tom! Hiddleston! Loves! This! Bolognese!
It’s amazing Bolognese, the most incredible Bolognese you’ve ever had. You think you’ve had great Bolognese? Try Tom Hiddleston’s Bolognese before you continue to talk about great Bologneses you’ve had in your life. (You braise it in the oven after browning it on the stove—that’s the thing. Also: Bacon! Also: Butter! He also loves bacon and butter!) He made this Bolognese last night, after we’d parted following day one of our two-day early-January walking tour of London, which was half Before Sunrise ten-mile stroll-and-chat through the city, half My Dinner with Andre philosophy symposium. He settled into his Camden house (alone) and spent the evening cooking and watching a screener of Moonlight (alone), which he could now confirm for me was as amazing! and riveting! and touching! as everyone has said.
He heats up some Bolognese for me and we make our plan for the day, which I correctly predict will involve another walk through another astonishingly beautiful park. Yesterday, it was Regent’s Park. Everyone knows about Hyde Park, but do they know about Regent’s Park? No, and I must see it. In the park, I pulled out my old Olympus digital mini tape recorder, and Tom Hiddleston looked at it and whistled in admiration: “Hello, Olympus! This is a great Dictaphone!” He’d used one to test himself on accents when he was at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art.
Long walks, that’s his thing—to think stuff over, to figure out his lines, to process what’s going on in his life, both the triumphs (turning a routine Marvel villain into a fan favorite; a Golden Globe win for The Night Manager; the occasional Bond rumor; a UNICEF UK ambassadorship to South Sudan) and the heartache (“Hiddleswift”). On New Year’s Day, he says, Regent’s Park was even more beautiful than it was during our walk: It was foggy, and the lanterns were lit, but you couldn’t see anything beyond the mist. It reminded him of the London of old, the one he loves so much, the London of J. M. Barrie. It was a simpler time then. Lately he’s been thinking a lot about simpler times.
The Bolognese is even good cold! He’s heated it up, but it’s even good cold!
Please don’t think he’s being full of himself being full of his Bolognese. Tom Hiddleston is enthusiastic about everything: Barack Obama (“An enormously temperate man!”); his Thor director, Kenneth Branagh (“Such a humanist!”); Jonathan Franzen’s Purity (“It holds the Internet to account—it shows you how it can distort identity in an unhealthy way!”); Moana (“Incredible!”); Dwayne Johnson in particular (“That man radiates joy!”); Matt Damon (“I think he’s got real integrity!”); Michael Fassbender (“Extraordinary!”); Chiwetel Ejiofor (Amazing!”); this porridge he makes, which is just oatmeal and almond milk and chia seeds (“I’m obsessed!”).
This is important to keep in mind while you’re getting to know Tom Hiddleston: His zeal is bottomless. It’s one of many things that were it not for what we know about his personal life, we might already know more about. For example, you might already know he’s the kind of compelling, versatile actor who can leave his mark on all kinds of roles—as a slick spy in The Night Manager, an emo vampire in Jim Jarmusch’s Only Lovers Left Alive, a condescending Asgardian god in Thor—but maybe instead of it being a thing you know about Tom Hiddleston, it’d be the thing he’s known for.
You might know, instead, that he’s an English gentleman of the purest caliber who has never spoken out of turn about any of his relationships, who roots for his co-stars and colleagues loudly (really loudly) over social media, who has never been caught flipping the bird at the paparazzi who hunted him after his famous breakup, who wouldn’t curse during my many hours with him no matter what the circumstance because his mother would be so disappointed to read it. If you took the measure of Tom Hiddleston without any influence from Daily Mail and In Touch Weekly stories, you might think to yourself: Here is a handsome, thoughtful man who is not wasting his potential, and that is a heartening thing to see in this world. Also, he’s tall. A thing you learn doing these interviews is that actors are always far shorter than you ever imagined. Tom Hiddleston isn’t. He is tall and strapping, and I kept thinking that it is so Tom Hiddleston to live up to the hype.
In his kitchen, he makes our third cup of tea of the day; by the end of my interview, we will both be in kidney failure from all this tea, and we will finish talking while hooked up to dialysis machines. We sit beneath a large canvas photograph of the big De Niro-Pacino confrontation scene in Heat, which is one of Tom’s favorite movies; there’s another Heat poster in the library. Heat is the best!
But in the pantheon of things Tom loves, the thing he loves most is Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks is the greatest—what a career that guy has! It’s clear why he might love him so much: Tom Hanks seems as all-in as Tom Hiddleston. “His decency is poured into everything he does,” he says of Hanks. Even the comedies. Even in Turner & Hooch! “I’m nowhere near Tom Hanks’s contribution or even close. All of it’s not high art, you know? But there is a value in it, you know, somehow, somewhere.” What he’s saying is: It’s worth it for us all to think about what we’re putting into the world. He’s saying it would be great to be known for your decency.
And here Hiddleston does a brief impression of Tom Hanks (he does very good impressions of everyone, including me after a day) that is hard to describe, except to say that it summons Tom Hanks in a very profound way. Its only flaw is also part of its charm: While he does the impression, he’s also looking at you to see how much you’re enjoying it, and then he can’t stop smiling when he sees that you are, so ultimately what you get is an impression of Tom Hiddleston enjoying himself doing a Tom Hanks impression.
This seems like a wise moment to address a sneaking suspicion that I batted away at first—inconceivable, given the physical specimen in front of me—until it became unavoidable: By most definitions, Tom Hiddleston is…uncool. His vulnerability, his enthusiasm, his Bolognese, these are not trademarks of a dashing movie star. And yet here he is, a sweet-natured bookworm trapped in the second act of a movie where the overlooked geek has been given the face and body of the only man who should ever be allowed to wear a suit (or jeans, or that long-sleeve navy T-shirt he wore when we had dinner).
But now consider uncoolness as a general thing, how in its most concentrated form it frees a certain 1 percent of people to be who they truly are, turning uncoolness into the ultimate coolness. Tom Hiddleston’s sincerity and eagerness to engage, to connect, go from making a confounding first impression to a genuinely winning second one.
On every level, Hiddleston is in: He’s there, he’s present, he’s yours, he’s heartfelt, he’s real. And that can be a double-edged Chitauri Scepter, since it leads to the stuff about Hiddleston that wounds him: the Golden Globes speech in which his enthusiasm for his UNICEF work plunged him into a YouTube-able-forever moment (and its subsequent apology) that I can only watch through my fingers; the infamous I ♥ T.S. tank top, which is now synonymous with the words “Tom” and “Hiddleston.” The world might not be ready for the kind of earnestness and sincerity that comes along with Tom Hiddleston. I am here to tell you that we would be a much happier race of humans if it were.
His conscientiousness was built into him as a boy by his father, who is the best chemist in the world. They lived in a modest home in Wimbledon along with his mother, who is the most compelling arts fund-raiser alive; his elder sister, Europe’s best journalist; and his younger sister, a gifted midwife with a singing voice that comes directly from God. The Hiddlefamily was solidly middle-class, but Tom’s parents sacrificed to send him to the best schools—Eton, Cambridge, and then RADA. He learned the basics of scrupulosity, though, from his father, who taught him that there is right and wrong, fact and myth, and that sometimes you have to work hard to spot the difference. This was a life lesson for Tom Hiddleston, passed down from father to son, but it’s also an acting lesson.
See, he thinks the audience deserves people who have studied. Acting isn’t about lying or pretending, the way people sometimes say it is. It’s about getting the experience of the person you are portraying exactly correct, and the way you do that is by going to the experts. In Skull Island, the Kong reboot, he plays a former British SAS soldier who is a renowned tracker, hired to help find whatever it is they’re looking for (which turns out to be monsters). For that performance he: read The Tracker, the seminal memoir by Ur-tracker hero Tom Brown Jr.; trained with a former Navy SEAL even though this is like the 70th time he’s played a soldier; and researched a jungle-warfare school in Malaya where actual British SAS soldiers are believed to have trained in the 1960s.
We’re at a pub he likes in Hampstead Heath called The Bull & Last—evening, day two—eating steak and broccoli. He does an impression of David Attenborough’s voice-over for Planet Earth II, which we’d watch a bit of after dinner, only Hiddleston’s narration is about him eating a bite of my meal (“…the male must dine on his companion’s steak…”).
Where would we be without experts, is his point. How would we learn? And so one of the things Tom Hiddleston is determined to fix about the world right now is what he calls our “strange public distrust of experts.” In his Twitter feed, which consists solely of enthusiastic re-tweets of film promotion and causes he loves, one tweet stands out: a Guardian article about the rise of fake news and how David Cameron’s name turned to pudding when the Daily Mail published an account of him sticking his dick into a dead pig’s head as an initiation rite.
[#twitter: https://twitter.com/twhiddleston/status/753155188542742528 ]
And guess where that all came from? An unconfirmed rumor and an anonymous source! But it doesn’t matter, Hiddleston points out: That story is now part of the David Cameron story. Which would be one thing if we knew for sure it was true, he says, but we don’t. Which is why it’s time for “a movement in critical thinking, to really resist this dilution of truth and holding people to account for twisting it or distorting it.”
(As if to underscore this: A few days after I returned to the States, a friend sent me a link to a Daily Mail article containing nine pictures of Hiddleston and a “mystery brunette”—me—hugging, laughing, and bidding each other farewell. For the record, I was laughing about his Attenborough impression; I was hugging him because we were saying good-bye after two days and because: Tom Hiddleston!)
So yes, fake news is a thing, and now is the time to talk about it. This is the first time he’s talked about any of this, he says—about politics, news, anything beyond the scope of his roles. He used to politely beg off. But he sees that’s no longer an option. We can’t afford complacency anymore. Look what’s happened in the past year to the world’s most powerful democracies.
Which is why he’s decided to step into the fray himself, consequences be damned. “If you’re under attack,” he says, looking me square in the eye, his voice raw, “if your values are under attack, if you’re being shamed, if you’re being humiliated, the animal response is to hide in the bush. It’s to be less, to make yourself smaller, to diminish in size and volume. And the lesson of 2016 is we have to love more, we have to risk more, we have to be braver, we have to be more outspoken.”
It wasn’t until much later that night, after we’d parted, that I realized we had started talking about Taylor Swift long before we started talking about Taylor Swift.
It is tempting to say that the union of Hiddleswift was cooked up in a panicked publicist’s office: That professional breakup lyricist Taylor Swift—who knew this very magazine was about to publish a story suggesting that maybe she hadn’t been so honest about whether she knew she’d be a lyric in Kanye’s “Famous,” that maybe there was even a videotape to prove it—urgently needed a professional, tactical, romantical distraction. That maybe a British actor who was trying to break through to an American audience sensed an opportunity to become something more here. Maybe those two urgent impulses led to them sitting on the rocks, having a perfect kissing moment, while a person with a camera stood not so far away and took pictures.
But—but—it is also equally possible that it was real. I mean, this happens, right? Beautiful people fall in love, don’t they? And these two made a kind of sense: They were similarly earnest and pale and high-rise and shiny. He had that James Dean daydream look in his eyes; she got his heart racing in her skintight jeans. Can we leave room for the notion that they fell in love?
It lasted three months. They ate dinner in restaurants; they traveled to England to meet his family, and to Australia, where he’d be shooting Thor: Ragnarok. But soon after that Australia trip, that was it, and we were left with only unconfirmed tertiary sources saying that Taylor did. not. like. how public he was with his affection, like, say, confirming their relationship to The Hollywood Reporter and generally walking around with a smile on his face like a man in love.
“Taylor is an amazing woman,” reads the prepared statement Tom Hiddleston has memorized and is now giving me at The Bull & Last, where his voice has gone low. “She’s generous and kind and lovely, and we had the best time.” But I didn’t ask that, I say. I asked something else. So I wait, and he says, “Of course it was real.”
I ask if he wants to say anything about Australia, about the Fourth of July party at which he donned that fateful tank top, about the rumors that she thought he was too eager. Does he want to say anything about any of it?
And here he puts down his fork, a bite of my steak still on it. He looks off into the middle distance, and here is what he says:
“The truth is, it was the Fourth of July and a public holiday and we were playing a game and I slipped and hurt my back. And I wanted to protect the graze from the sun and said, ’Does anyone have a T-shirt?’ And one of her friends said, ’I’ve got this.’ ” The friend pulled out the "I ♥ T.S." tank top that Taylor’s friends are contractually obligated to own. “And we all laughed about it. It was a joke.”
So that’s his statement on the entire relationship: an explanation of the tank top. “It was a joke,” he repeats. “Among friends.”
“I only know the woman I met. She’s incredible.” But, man, all those cameras. “A relationship in the limelight takes work. And it’s not just the limelight. It’s everything else.”
I can vouch for this depiction of Tom Hiddleston. He is definitely, without a doubt, someone who would put on an "I ♥ T.S." tank top, both to protect a scratch from sun damage and to make his new friends laugh while th—wait, sorry, he’s still talking:
“I have to be so psychologically strong about not letting other people’s interpretations about my life affect my life. A relationship exists between two people. We will always know what it was. The narratives that are out there altogether have been extrapolated from pictures that were taken without consent or permission, with no context. Nobody had the context for that story. And I’m still trying to work out a way of having a personal life and protecting it, but also without hiding. So the hardest thing is that that was a joke among friends on the Fourth of July.”
He still isn’t looking at me. The last piece of my steak is now poised on his fork in mid-air. He is so sad, and I can’t take it anymore, so I put my hand on his and I say, “Tom, Tom, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk about the tank top anymore. I got it. I understand. I’ll tell the world.” But he can’t stop talking about it. He literally cannot stop talking about it.
“I don’t know,” he says. “I just, I was surprised. I was just surprised that it got so much attention. The tank top became an emblem of this thing.” It’s hard to tell me this, he says. He wants to trust me. He wants to trust that the world won’t use this to embarrass him again, but he doesn’t know. He just knows it will follow him until he talks about it.
And anyway, none of this has anything to do with the person he fell in love with. “I only know the woman I met. She’s incredible.” But, man, all those cameras. “A relationship in the limelight… A relationship always takes work. A relationship in the limelight takes work. And it’s not just the limelight. It’s everything else.” He wanted a regular relationship. So did she, he says she said. “So we decided to go out for dinner, we decided to travel.”
After the breakup, he moved to Australia for Thor: Ragnarok, and each morning he’d wake up at five and go running, and the cameras would be there. “I’m getting up so I can do this job well. I’m getting up to go for my run so I can play Loki as well as I can.” Everywhere he went, whether it was checking e-mail on a park bench or looking at a menu, if he furrowed his brow it meant he was miserable and that would incite a new tabloid story about how hard he was taking all of this. It was a tough time, a public tough time. Chris Hemsworth gave him some good guidance; Hugh Laurie checked in. His family worried.
So you can think whatever you want about Tom Hiddleston, you can swift-boat Hiddleswift all you want. But he is as bewildered by the whole thing as you and I are.
He looks at me finally and he says, “I’m not going to live my life in hiding.”
The next morning, I wake up at five to pack for my flight back to New York, and I see an e-mail from Tom, sent the night before, asking if he could come to my hotel to talk to me about something. I tell him yes. He lives 20 minutes away; 15 minutes later he knocks on my door.
He explains that he wants to be honest with me, that it would be hypocritical of him to talk about honesty in the world and then not be with me. I have to understand, he says, that a relationship is between two people, that it doesn’t belong to him alone. But like David Cameron now knows, it is neither practical nor wise to let rumors hang in the air. He wants me to know that he has no regrets, he says, “because you have to fight for love. You can’t live in fear of what people might say. You know, you have to be true to yourself.”
But I understood all that, I tell him. I understood last night. It’s six in the morning, Tom. I have a flight to catch. And he shakes his head, feeling foolish because maybe there was something he thought he could say that wasn’t quite coming out the right way, and instead he says, “Yeah, okay, I just wanted to make sure.”
So we sit and talk for a while. We talk about how relationships go sideways, how the ripples of a breakup can still pin you to a wall even months later.
I turn my tape recorder off and I stand up, but he doesn’t. He shakes his head again, his hands clasped together, and he hangs his head. I sit back down and we talk some more because I finally understand that he isn’t here as someone who needs to explain his side in a PR battle; he’s here as someone who is still crushed by the end of a relationship.
So we sit and talk for a while. We talk about how relationships go sideways, how the ripples of a breakup can still pin you to a wall even months later. We talk about heartache. We talk about sadness and healing. We talk about what it’s like to love and what happens when the object of that love withdraws but all your love is still there. We talk about how those things can really change a person. The world will chip away at your optimism, and you just have to fight back. You have to be someone who is still full of joy and full of love, who can still use a word like “obsessed” about porridge. You have to be bold and open. You have to be honest. You have to be like Tom Hanks. We all have to be more like Tom Hanks.
He carries my luggage downstairs for me and I get into a cab for the airport, and I think about sincerity and I think about snideness and I wonder why so many of us seem so much more comfortable with snideness. I think about one of the last things he said to me, which was about David Bowie. Had he mentioned how much he loves David Bowie? He loves David Bowie! On New Year’s Eve, he listened to “Under Pressure” with his friends. ’Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word, he recites. And love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night. And love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves. This is our last dance, this is our last dance, this is ourselves. You should’ve seen his face when he was saying these words. His eyes were closed, and it was like he was in a trance. It was the best face!
Taffy Brodesser-Akner is a GQ writer.
This story originally appeared in the March 2017 issue with the title “We ♥ T.H.”
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hiddlesfashion · 7 years
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Tom Hiddleston GQ March 2017 photoshoot. 
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Tom Hiddleston on Taylor Swift, Heartbreak, and Great Bolognese
Perhaps you learned his name only because of his recent three-month romance with Taylor Swift. But by then, Tom Hiddleston was already a beloved Marvel villain, James Bond short-lister, Night Manager leading man, and truly gifted wearer of suits (like the ones he‘s got on here, in this season’s color: brown). Taffy Brodesser-Akner heads to London to absorb the full blast of his English charm offensive—and find out why Tom and Taylor wound up on the rocks so Hiddleswiftly.
Tom! Hiddleston! Loves! This! Bolognese!
It’s amazing Bolognese, the most incredible Bolognese you’ve ever had. You think you’ve had great Bolognese? Try Tom Hiddleston’s Bolognese before you continue to talk about great Bologneses you’ve had in your life. (You braise it in the oven after browning it on the stove—that’s the thing. Also: Bacon! Also: Butter! He also loves bacon and butter!) He made this Bolognese last night, after we’d parted following day one of our two-day early-January walking tour of London, which was half Before Sunrise ten-mile stroll-and-chat through the city, half My Dinner with Andre philosophy symposium. He settled into his Camden house (alone) and spent the evening cooking and watching a screener of Moonlight (alone), which he could now confirm for me was as amazing! and riveting! and touching! as everyone has said.
He heats up some Bolognese for me and we make our plan for the day, which I correctly predict will involve another walk through another astonishingly beautiful park. Yesterday, it was Regent’s Park. Everyone knows about Hyde Park, but do they know about Regent’s Park? No, and I must see it. In the park, I pulled out my old Olympus digital mini tape recorder, and Tom Hiddleston looked at it and whistled in admiration: “Hello, Olympus! This is a great Dictaphone!” He’d used one to test himself on accents when he was at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art.
Long walks, that’s his thing—to think stuff over, to figure out his lines, to process what’s going on in his life, both the triumphs (turning a routine Marvel villain into a fan favorite; a Golden Globe win for The Night Manager; the occasional Bond rumor; a UNICEF UK ambassadorship to South Sudan) and the heartache (“Hiddleswift”). On New Year’s Day, he says, Regent’s Park was even more beautiful than it was during our walk: It was foggy, and the lanterns were lit, but you couldn’t see anything beyond the mist. It reminded him of the London of old, the one he loves so much, the London of J. M. Barrie. It was a simpler time then. Lately he’s been thinking a lot about simpler times.
The Bolognese is even good cold! He’s heated it up, but it’s even good cold!
Please don’t think he’s being full of himself being full of his Bolognese. Tom Hiddleston is enthusiastic about everything: Barack Obama (“An enormously temperate man!”); his Thor director, Kenneth Branagh (“Such a humanist!”); Jonathan Franzen’s Purity (“It holds the Internet to account—it shows you how it can distort identity in an unhealthy way!”); Moana (“Incredible!”); Dwayne Johnson in particular (“That man radiates joy!”); Matt Damon (“I think he’s got real integrity!”); Michael Fassbender (“Extraordinary!”); Chiwetel Ejiofor (Amazing!”); this porridge he makes, which is just oatmeal and almond milk and chia seeds (“I’m obsessed!”).
This is important to keep in mind while you’re getting to know Tom Hiddleston: His zeal is bottomless. It’s one of many things that were it not for what we know about his personal life, we might already know more about. For example, you might already know he’s the kind of compelling, versatile actor who can leave his mark on all kinds of roles—as a slick spy in The Night Manager, an emo vampire in Jim Jarmusch’s Only Lovers Left Alive, a condescending Asgardian god in Thor—but maybe instead of it being a thing you know about Tom Hiddleston, it’d be the thing he’s known for.
You might know, instead, that he’s an English gentleman of the purest caliber who has never spoken out of turn about any of his relationships, who roots for his co-stars and colleagues loudly (really loudly) over social media, who has never been caught flipping the bird at the paparazzi who hunted him after his famous breakup, who wouldn’t curse during my many hours with him no matter what the circumstance because his mother would be so disappointed to read it. If you took the measure of Tom Hiddleston without any influence from Daily Mail and In Touch Weekly stories, you might think to yourself: Here is a handsome, thoughtful man who is not wasting his potential, and that is a heartening thing to see in this world. Also, he’s tall. A thing you learn doing these interviews is that actors are always far shorter than you ever imagined. Tom Hiddleston isn’t. He is tall and strapping, and I kept thinking that it is so Tom Hiddleston to live up to the hype.
In his kitchen, he makes our third cup of tea of the day; by the end of my interview, we will both be in kidney failure from all this tea, and we will finish talking while hooked up to dialysis machines. We sit beneath a large canvas photograph of the big De Niro-Pacino confrontation scene in Heat, which is one of Tom’s favorite movies; there’s another Heat poster in the library. Heat is the best!
But in the pantheon of things Tom loves, the thing he loves most is Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks is the greatest—what a career that guy has! It’s clear why he might love him so much: Tom Hanks seems as all-in as Tom Hiddleston. “His decency is poured into everything he does,” he says of Hanks. Even the comedies. Even in Turner & Hooch! “I’m nowhere near Tom Hanks’s contribution or even close. All of it’s not high art, you know? But there is a value in it, you know, somehow, somewhere.” What he’s saying is: It’s worth it for us all to think about what we’re putting into the world. He’s saying it would be great to be known for your decency.
And here Hiddleston does a brief impression of Tom Hanks (he does very good impressions of everyone, including me after a day) that is hard to describe, except to say that it summons Tom Hanks in a very profound way. Its only flaw is also part of its charm: While he does the impression, he’s also looking at you to see how much you’re enjoying it, and then he can’t stop smiling when he sees that you are, so ultimately what you get is an impression of Tom Hiddleston enjoying himself doing a Tom Hanks impression.
This seems like a wise moment to address a sneaking suspicion that I batted away at first—inconceivable, given the physical specimen in front of me—until it became unavoidable: By most definitions, Tom Hiddleston is…uncool. His vulnerability, his enthusiasm, his Bolognese, these are not trademarks of a dashing movie star. And yet here he is, a sweet-natured bookworm trapped in the second act of a movie where the overlooked geek has been given the face and body of the only man who should ever be allowed to wear a suit (or jeans, or that long-sleeve navy T-shirt he wore when we had dinner).
But now consider uncoolness as a general thing, how in its most concentrated form it frees a certain 1 percent of people to be who they truly are, turning uncoolness into the ultimate coolness. Tom Hiddleston’s sincerity and eagerness to engage, to connect, go from making a confounding first impression to a genuinely winning second one.
On every level, Hiddleston is in: He’s there, he’s present, he’s yours, he’s heartfelt, he’s real. And that can be a double-edged Chitauri Scepter, since it leads to the stuff about Hiddleston that wounds him: the Golden Globes speech in which his enthusiasm for his UNICEF work plunged him into a YouTube-able-forever moment (and its subsequent apology) that I can only watch through my fingers; the infamous I ♥ T.S. tank top, which is now synonymous with the words “Tom” and “Hiddleston.” The world might not be ready for the kind of earnestness and sincerity that comes along with Tom Hiddleston. I am here to tell you that we would be a much happier race of humans if it were.
His conscientiousness was built into him as a boy by his father, who is the best chemist in the world. They lived in a modest home in Wimbledon along with his mother, who is the most compelling arts fund-raiser alive; his elder sister, Europe’s best journalist; and his younger sister, a gifted midwife with a singing voice that comes directly from God. The Hiddlefamily was solidly middle-class, but Tom’s parents sacrificed to send him to the best schools—Eton, Cambridge, and then RADA. He learned the basics of scrupulosity, though, from his father, who taught him that there is right and wrong, fact and myth, and that sometimes you have to work hard to spot the difference. This was a life lesson for Tom Hiddleston, passed down from father to son, but it’s also an acting lesson.
See, he thinks the audience deserves people who have studied. Acting isn’t about lying or pretending, the way people sometimes say it is. It’s about getting the experience of the person you are portraying exactly correct, and the way you do that is by going to the experts. In Skull Island, the Kong reboot, he plays a former British SAS soldier who is a renowned tracker, hired to help find whatever it is they’re looking for (which turns out to be monsters). For that performance he: read The Tracker, the seminal memoir by Ur-tracker hero Tom Brown Jr.; trained with a former Navy SEAL even though this is like the 70th time he’s played a soldier; and researched a jungle-warfare school in Malaya where actual British SAS soldiers are believed to have trained in the 1960s.
We’re at a pub he likes in Hampstead Heath called The Bull & Last—evening, day two—eating steak and broccoli. He does an impression of David Attenborough’s voice-over for Planet Earth II, which we’d watch a bit of after dinner, only Hiddleston’s narration is about him eating a bite of my meal (“…the male must dine on his companion’s steak…”).
Where would we be without experts, is his point. How would we learn? And so one of the things Tom Hiddleston is determined to fix about the world right now is what he calls our “strange public distrust of experts.” In his Twitter feed, which consists solely of enthusiastic re-tweets of film promotion and causes he loves, one tweet stands out: a Guardian article about the rise of fake news and how David Cameron’s name turned to pudding when the Daily Mail published an account of him sticking his dick into a dead pig’s head as an initiation rite.
And guess where that all came from? An unconfirmed rumor and an anonymous source! But it doesn’t matter, Hiddleston points out: That story is now part of the David Cameron story. Which would be one thing if we knew for sure it was true, he says, but we don’t. Which is why it’s time for “a movement in critical thinking, to really resist this dilution of truth and holding people to account for twisting it or distorting it.”
(As if to underscore this: A few days after I returned to the States, a friend sent me a link to a Daily Mail article containing nine pictures of Hiddleston and a “mystery brunette”—me—hugging, laughing, and bidding each other farewell. For the record, I was laughing about his Attenborough impression; I was hugging him because we were saying good-bye after two days and because: Tom Hiddleston!)
So yes, fake news is a thing, and now is the time to talk about it. This is the first time he’s talked about any of this, he says—about politics, news, anything beyond the scope of his roles. He used to politely beg off. But he sees that’s no longer an option. We can’t afford complacency anymore. Look what’s happened in the past year to the world’s most powerful democracies.
Which is why he’s decided to step into the fray himself, consequences be damned. “If you’re under attack,” he says, looking me square in the eye, his voice raw, “if your values are under attack, if you’re being shamed, if you’re being humiliated, the animal response is to hide in the bush. It’s to be less, to make yourself smaller, to diminish in size and volume. And the lesson of 2016 is we have to love more, we have to risk more, we have to be braver, we have to be more outspoken.”
It wasn’t until much later that night, after we’d parted, that I realized we had started talking about Taylor Swift long before we started talking about Taylor Swift.
It is tempting to say that the union of Hiddleswift was cooked up in a panicked publicist’s office: That professional breakup lyricist Taylor Swift—who knew this very magazine was about to publish a story suggesting that maybe she hadn’t been so honest about whether she knew she’d be a lyric in Kanye’s “Famous,” that maybe there was even a videotape to prove it—urgently needed a professional, tactical, romantical distraction. That maybe a British actor who was trying to break through to an American audience sensed an opportunity to become something more here. Maybe those two urgent impulses led to them sitting on the rocks, having a perfect kissing moment, while a person with a camera stood not so far away and took pictures.
But—but—it is also equally possible that it was real. I mean, this happens, right? Beautiful people fall in love, don’t they? And these two made a kind of sense: They were similarly earnest and pale and high-rise and shiny. He had that James Dean daydream look in his eyes; she got his heart racing in her skintight jeans. Can we leave room for the notion that they fell in love?
It lasted three months. They ate dinner in restaurants; they traveled to England to meet his family, and to Australia, where he’d be shooting Thor: Ragnarok. But soon after that Australia trip, that was it, and we were left with only unconfirmed tertiary sources saying that Taylor did. not. like. how public he was with his affection, like, say, confirming their relationship to The Hollywood Reporter and generally walking around with a smile on his face like a man in love.
“Taylor is an amazing woman,” reads the prepared statement Tom Hiddleston has memorized and is now giving me at The Bull & Last, where his voice has gone low. “She’s generous and kind and lovely, and we had the best time.” But I didn’t ask that, I say. I asked something else. So I wait, and he says, “Of course it was real.”
I ask if he wants to say anything about Australia, about the Fourth of July party at which he donned that fateful tank top, about the rumors that she thought he was too eager. Does he want to say anything about any of it?
And here he puts down his fork, a bite of my steak still on it. He looks off into the middle distance, and here is what he says:
“The truth is, it was the Fourth of July and a public holiday and we were playing a game and I slipped and hurt my back. And I wanted to protect the graze from the sun and said, ’Does anyone have a T-shirt?’ And one of her friends said, ’I’ve got this.’ ” The friend pulled out the “I ♥ T.S.” tank top that Taylor’s friends are contractually obligated to own. “And we all laughed about it. It was a joke.”
So that’s his statement on the entire relationship: an explanation of the tank top. “It was a joke,” he repeats. “Among friends.”
I can vouch for this depiction of Tom Hiddleston. He is definitely, without a doubt, someone who would put on an “I ♥ T.S.” tank top, both to protect a scratch from sun damage and to make his new friends laugh while th—wait, sorry, he’s still talking:
“I have to be so psychologically strong about not letting other people’s interpretations about my life affect my life. A relationship exists between two people. We will always know what it was. The narratives that are out there altogether have been extrapolated from pictures that were taken without consent or permission, with no context. Nobody had the context for that story. And I’m still trying to work out a way of having a personal life and protecting it, but also without hiding. So the hardest thing is that that was a joke among friends on the Fourth of July.”
He still isn’t looking at me. The last piece of my steak is now poised on his fork in mid-air. He is so sad, and I can’t take it anymore, so I put my hand on his and I say, “Tom, Tom, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk about the tank top anymore. I got it. I understand. I’ll tell the world.” But he can’t stop talking about it. He literally cannot stop talking about it.
“I don’t know,” he says. “I just, I was surprised. I was just surprised that it got so much attention. The tank top became an emblem of this thing.” It’s hard to tell me this, he says. He wants to trust me. He wants to trust that the world won’t use this to embarrass him again, but he doesn’t know. He just knows it will follow him until he talks about it.
And anyway, none of this has anything to do with the person he fell in love with. “I only know the woman I met. She’s incredible.” But, man, all those cameras. “A relationship in the limelight… A relationship always takes work. A relationship in the limelight takes work. And it’s not just the limelight. It’s everything else.” He wanted a regular relationship. So did she, he says she said. “So we decided to go out for dinner, we decided to travel.”
After the breakup, he moved to Australia for Thor: Ragnarok, and each morning he’d wake up at five and go running, and the cameras would be there. “I’m getting up so I can do this job well. I’m getting up to go for my run so I can play Loki as well as I can.” Everywhere he went, whether it was checking e-mail on a park bench or looking at a menu, if he furrowed his brow it meant he was miserable and that would incite a new tabloid story about how hard he was taking all of this. It was a tough time, a public tough time. Chris Hemsworth gave him some good guidance; Hugh Laurie checked in. His family worried.
So you can think whatever you want about Tom Hiddleston, you can swift-boat Hiddleswift all you want. But he is as bewildered by the whole thing as you and I are.
He looks at me finally and he says, “I’m not going to live my life in hiding.”
The next morning, I wake up at five to pack for my flight back to New York, and I see an e-mail from Tom, sent the night before, asking if he could come to my hotel to talk to me about something. I tell him yes. He lives 20 minutes away; 15 minutes later he knocks on my door.
He explains that he wants to be honest with me, that it would be hypocritical of him to talk about honesty in the world and then not be with me. I have to understand, he says, that a relationship is between two people, that it doesn’t belong to him alone. But like David Cameron now knows, it is neither practical nor wise to let rumors hang in the air. He wants me to know that he has no regrets, he says, “because you have to fight for love. You can’t live in fear of what people might say. You know, you have to be true to yourself.”
But I understood all that, I tell him. I understood last night. It’s six in the morning, Tom. I have a flight to catch. And he shakes his head, feeling foolish because maybe there was something he thought he could say that wasn’t quite coming out the right way, and instead he says, “Yeah, okay, I just wanted to make sure.”
I turn my tape recorder off and I stand up, but he doesn’t. He shakes his head again, his hands clasped together, and he hangs his head. I sit back down and we talk some more because I finally understand that he isn’t here as someone who needs to explain his side in a PR battle; he’s here as someone who is still crushed by the end of a relationship.
So we sit and talk for a while. We talk about how relationships go sideways, how the ripples of a breakup can still pin you to a wall even months later. We talk about heartache. We talk about sadness and healing. We talk about what it’s like to love and what happens when the object of that love withdraws but all your love is still there. We talk about how those things can really change a person. The world will chip away at your optimism, and you just have to fight back. You have to be someone who is still full of joy and full of love, who can still use a word like “obsessed” about porridge. You have to be bold and open. You have to be honest. You have to be like Tom Hanks. We all have to be more like Tom Hanks.
He carries my luggage downstairs for me and I get into a cab for the airport, and I think about sincerity and I think about snideness and I wonder why so many of us seem so much more comfortable with snideness. I think about one of the last things he said to me, which was about David Bowie. Had he mentioned how much he loves David Bowie? He loves David Bowie! On New Year’s Eve, he listened to “Under Pressure” with his friends. ’Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word, he recites. And love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night. And love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves. This is our last dance, this is our last dance, this is ourselves. You should’ve seen his face when he was saying these words. His eyes were closed, and it was like he was in a trance. It was the best face!
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philippagoranson · 7 years
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Essay: Can we move beyond lip service on the art of listening in health care?
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Listening in healthcare can be a very complicated matter and concerns many different aspects of healthcare encounters. Even if one spon­taneously asks oneself: is it not the most common sense thing to do? I have been caught up on this topic due to previous bad experiences in healthcare where the lack of listening properly or even listening at all was completely missing – even if I was speaking to a healthcare professional in the same room. After some time I got to read the medical journal, that one of the specific non-listening physicians I had met had been writing and realized I was only being observed. I even remember very clearly hearing myself saying repeatedly: “Can you listen to what I say?” Even that did not help. It just made things worse. It is as if it is up to the healthcare provider to decide when or even if to ask the relevant questions or if they even are going to be asked at all. That way of being from the healthcare provider’s side of things was just pretending to hear. At this point of time in my life, I had had physicians whom all acted likewise – they always excluded what I was trying to communicate and they got it all wrong. Incorrect diagnosis, wrong treatment ideas, no one even tried to put my story together properly. They seemed to want to start the discus­sion from a set of ideas or rules on how to ask questions and what questions to ask that does not always correspond to what the patient really has to say. Their structure of things made their compre­hension of why I even was attempting to get help into complete chaos. Later I came to understand what I had been subjected too and this is part of why listening in healthcare does not always work. The culture of evidence-based medicine is reductive, it simplifies and cannot handle the complexities of life that need to be interpreted and put into context. Evidence-based medicine devalues individual experience. At this early stage, I started to wonder if I no longer could express myself. I have previously been a radio broadcaster and am a verbal person and I like words so that was not the problem. Actually, being a humanities student made me react to this hierar­chical structure very strongly and it made me lose faith towards the realm of healthcare and start to question their knowledge production. If they can’t listen properly what else are they getting wrong about medicine as a scientific field? Are healthcare providers not supposed to be humani­sts too? My idea of the humanist is about meeting the other and this kind of reasoning can be found in diffe­rent philosophical schools of thought. At one point when the lack of listening was exceptionally frustrating, I was asking myself: do we have to make listening in healthcare a human right? That was when I started to go to the university library to find books on other people’s experiences of healthcare and it was very helpful to see other people had noticed the same things as I and, sad to say, had even had even worse encounters than my own. I even started reading books on the medical law to help me get a bigger picture of the idea of healthcare.
In the end, everything turned out, but I had to force my narrative structure and storyline on top of how healthcare providers usually want to be addressed. I was sensing a cultural sensitivity problem and this aspect is imperative to better listening in healthcare too. Interaction is on the linguistic level. I understood I had to find a medical professional that comes from a different culture where the speaking structure is different from the Swedish way. Medical humanities research has also explained that to get the right diagnosis the patient and healthcare provider need to be on the same page when it comes to the use of words and their interpretation and how they are applied to make sense to each other. Not just that, Iona Heath explains in an essay in the BMJ: “Clinicians need to be just this – experts in the feelings we attach to words – otherwise our efforts to communicate with our patients will oscillate between the tedious and the cruel”i. There is also another side to this aspect explained by Dr. Gavin Francis in Aeon magazine “Storyhealing”: “War metaphors in health and healing can be valid, but bringing different ideas to the mind of each patient – an appreciation of storytelling can assist physicians to choose the metaphor that will best help their patients, and also help patients articulate inner experience to their physician.”ii As a patient, one always has a story of some kind that cannot be neglected. My new encounter in healthcare was to become a part of a shift of paradigm in my life. The big difference now in this new encounter also was the attitu­de this person had towards information and sharing ideas with the patient and the appreciation shown towards a complete story as to how I also had come to understand myself. This medical professional happily took everything I had and replied: “Great! Otherwise, I would never have understood!”. At the time it felt like a surprise and that this person was actually listening. I could see it in the facial expression that something else was going on inside of this person. Later this doctor told me he even had one of my illnesses too. What actually happened here was the combination of the how and the why I even got ill and where a medical professional was integrated as in a more interpretive listening process. I was also due to all this going through a change from just being a passive patient into a combination of what is known to be called the healthcare consumer (knowing my patient’s rights and becoming better informed) and being the expert patient (knowing how to strategically manage myself through the healthcare system). This was something I had to learn by myself. One needs to be empowered before even being listened to properly in healthcare.
I have read a big amount of patient experience books, pathologies, medical humanities research and research by the nursing science. I do not even have to look far into social media to stumble across a Twitter account defending patient’s rights where the beholder of the account defines the account with a message that says: “I am not a slave; I will not comply to tyranny”. Not being listened to is tyranny. On Twitter, I have also come to know the phenomenon called the patient’s voice. The fact that this has appeared also shows it is close to a human’s rights issue. The concept of the patient’s voice can be interpreted as the downside of the patient’s status in healthcare. The attempt of the patients’ voice is about something else. Patient’s Voice is about change and is challen­ging to the healthcare structure. The patient’s voice phenomenon wants to create a better awareness on how hard thing can get for a patient and is a way of questioning what is not working. On a personal level, it can also be about just being listened to in healthcare in a one-to-one situation. The idea of doctors’ ears is not being used very much on social media to debate the lack of listening in healthcare. At least not yet.
There are a variety of hashtags on Twitter and one even explicitly concerned with listening to patients’ #listentopatients. It is as if healthcare providers have a particular form of hearing im­pairment. Hearing is easily something that can get mixed up with listening. Listening is a much more complex process than just hearing. The big difference between hearing and listening is that listening is part of a hermeneutic process that integrates both intellectual and emotional capacities to extract the correct meaning.
How can patients be perceived through the lens of listening instead? A listening culture or feature is about trust. Researchers have come to regard, especially three components as most important to listening: empathy, being inclusive and supportive. This is not easily handled in healthcare. Still, is it not just common sense?
Over and over again, I see the same thing being pronounced and debated about healthcare and the big problem with not being able to deliver the right care and attending or even listened to. Head­line such as: “Healthcare has to be able to listen to patients” just appeared the other day in the Swedish daily newspaper Svenska Dagbladetiii. The headline concerned a report from the Swedish authority that analyses healthcare from the point of view of the population, Myndigheten för Vårdanalys, “Vården ur befolkningens perspektiv” (Healthcare from the point of view of the population). Only one third agree to that Swedish healthcare is actually working. There is an international comparison and Sweden is not the worst country in the world but the strangest thing is that Sweden, in general, is understood as a democratic country, not in the healthcare setting. The level of patient participation is 69 %. Germany is ranked as best on patient participation by 87 %. Do healthcare professionals explain things so patients understand? 78 % of the Swedish population responded positively. In Australia, 93 % of the population responded positively to having being addressed comprehensively. Only 43 % of the Swedish population says doctors even discuss treatment options and risks. Australia ranks highest at 69 % in this regard in the report. Only 23 % of Swedish patients get a care plan to help them navigate their care. In France, the population says yes to this by 53 %. This just to give some examples. The study is the results from The Commonwealth Fund International Health Policy Surveyiv. Why are the cultural differences as big as they are? Does it have to do with if a country has a national health literacy strategy or not? More in-depth political, cultural and historical processes can give explanations beyond that I am sure.
What I am missing from this Myndigheten för Vårdanaly is the phenomenon the patient’s voice – the struggle people have in the healthcare process. How hard it can be to even get the correct diagnosis and integrated care needed. At some point, these repetitive stories people have need to stop. An article by Tiffany Simms,”When ‘Once Upon a Time’ gives us more than a story” gives a very good account of these problems and the problems patients encounter in terms of not being listened too. Tiffany is discussing from the listening point of view and her example concerns people with autoimmune disease and how many years it can take for the patient to even get the correct diagnosis. In the meantime, many are being really badly treated even when it just comes to communicating. It is sort of like a battlefield about what symptoms seem to be real or not or how they can be interpreted and Tiffany adds: “Even when patients are listened to, healthcare providers only care for the symptoms and leave root causes unaddressed.” Lab reports trump patient experiences. Or as Tiffany is explaining and I am sure many patients or their next-of-kin will recognize themselves in the following statement: “A doctor should be a partner in making you healthy, but for the most part I feel on my own. I feel like a doctor should say, ‘Okay let’s start with the most natural, least invasive way to help you heal, and if we need to go to a stronger regimen then we will’ instead, it’s always ‘here’s a medication with worrying side effects. Next, please”v.
If I go hunting on different social media channels or patient engagement accounts for patient advocacy, health literacy, patient participation, patient associations, individual patient bloggers, and even medical professionals – they are more or less telling the same story of what a catastrophe the lack of listening is in healthcare. Have we really looked deeper into what this lack really is about?
It is not about the lack of soft skills. I just need to look closer at what narrative medicine is about and the threat against it to understand how hard listening in healthcare is. On Wikipedia the obstacles against narrative medicine goes like this: “People who are physicians have been trained to believe, that it is a scientific objectivity that makes them most effective, in their efforts to un­der­stand and resolve the pain that others bring them, and a mental distance that protects them from becoming wounded from the difficult work. Objectivity, empathy, and global thinking are stated not to be incompatible with a degree of dissociation from the patient’s suffering that is sufficient to protect oneself.”vi It is not only that. I have looked at textbooks that are passed out for educational use on patient communication and these texts always look good. The bigger problem against listening in healthcare is what is being said and can be taught in medical education classes. I even attended a medical class once just to see for myself what is going on and what is being said and how long it takes to see and hear how healthcare professionals are taught not to respond to patients and to deliberately not pass diagnosis out even if that is what a patient seems to have. I only needed to be a fake medical stu­dent for one medical class and it all happened within ten minutes. I know this is not represen­tative for the whole, at the time I told myself I do not need to see more because I was sure it might even get worse if I saw or heard more. The culture of oppression in healthcare is real. My observations can be confirmed with the help of the medical memoirs of the Swedish novelist and doctor P. C. Jersild. In his memoirs, he explains how it usually works, when and how doctors are taught not to listen to the patient’s story. When practitioners train medical students in the healthcare setting, they also teach them how not to listen. If a medical student tries to be attentive and lets the patient speak from beginning to finish the teaching practitioner, will make sure to correct the medical student and then make sure to show how the patient’s voice is not allowed by being interrupted as soon as possiblevii. This is just one part of the problem with listening in healthcare. Other sides of these non-listening behaviors are actually even stranger than what has just been said. Doctors are train­ed to think thematically and they at times do not even let the patients explain themselves. Doctors are not trained in how to make meaning out of how a patient narrates. Already just on their way to greet a patient in the waiting room, they can have decided beforehand what the pati­ent has or that patient does not have anything at all. At least 20 % of all misdiagnosis are due to this kind of error in thinking strategies according to Dr. Jerome Groopman. Doctors do not want to interact with people with mental illness conditions. Doctors do not even want to interact with people who cannot communicate properlyviii. I remember sitting in a waiting room and a woman next to me grabbed my arm and asked what is wrong with doctors. It is as if they already have made up their mind on what one is seeking help for even before one has had the chance to explain oneself. The healthcare setting is disturbing and constructed in such a way that it actually creates harm. It is not easy to make oneself heard in this environment.
In the healthcare debate, there are very many different managerial concepts that might just help make things worse. Sometimes it almost seems like different managerial concepts for healthcare are most suited for debate and not the reality of healthcare. The debate is of course very interesting to follow, but does it really help? Are these concepts really helping to reshape the culture of healthcare? The situation is very ad hoc concerning who actually listens to the patient or not. All these different managerial concepts are tiresome. And the only thing they really have to do it to listen to the patient to get it right. Physicians often deliberately choose not to take into account what the patient actually is saying and why it counts. Even when a patient is just trying to give correct information or add on details that have been lost in the continuum of the healthcare process.
The debates I have been reading concern the following concepts:
New Public Management. The patient is currency.
Patientcenteredcare. The patient is an individual. The patient is interpreted by others.
Valuebasedcare. The patient reported outcomes measures. Doing the right thing. Patient participation.
Personcenteredcare. A holistic approach to the patient’s life and health issue/s. Patient awareness.
Healthcare providers do not discuss prognosis or what the patient can do to improve their quality of life. The providers do not even explain what steps are to come next regarding treatment plans. They do not let the patient be involved in how to help the patient also help themselves to better healthcare outcomes. Listening to patients is also about giving patients the right kind of infor­ma­tion at the right time. The other day I read a blog entry by the most prominent Swedish e-patient Sweden even has, Sara Riggare.
Sara Riggare explains that being an informed patient is a provocation. She uses herself as an example to show how the culture of healthcare works to force her to diminish herself instead of making her more competent or even feel better. Just trying to ask well-informed ques­tions is a provocation on the healthcare structure. Instead of being able to knowingly being a part of a patientcentreredcare situation where the physician actually listens to her questions she is for­ced into a physciancentered way of managing herself and it makes her play the role of being ignorant. The culture of healthcare is always very apparent for a patient and Sara Riggare has learned she has to play by the rules as of an Albert Einstein quote: “You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.ix” Sara Riggare is an empowered patient who only wanted to be listened to. She just had concerns regarding medical research in regards to herself. The saying goes that listening is a key to leadership. Suzanne Gordon explains in a BMJ Opinion article: “Research shows that hierarchy, by its very nature, dramatically reduces speaking up by those lower down in the pecking order. We are hard-wired, then socialized, to be acutely sensitive to power, and to work to avoid being seen as deficient in any way by those in power.x”
A tweet concerning what patient empowerment is about also revealed how physicians misinterpret a well-informed patient and patient empowerment due to the hierarchical culture of healthcare: “Empowerment isn’t about bestowing one’s power on another. It’s education so they find their own power.” Team. Intake-Me retweeted @Intakeme
Another way of putting it more nicely concerning listening in healthcare is how Sharon Roman explains herself in the British Medical Journal: “While years of experience may make way for a knowledgeable doctor, years of listening help make a great one. I am aware that I may talk too much, but I also need to feel heard.” There is more to it than this. Often a practitioner will think he/she has seen it all before. Sharon adds on: “Listen to what I have to say without preju­dice, not racing ahead to the answer you may or may not already know”. Sharon then explains patients have to be let to ask questions, even if the questions are no good, answer anyway xi.
I have been listening to stories in healthcare and listening still seems to be something that mostly happens by chance. Dr. Alicia Conill shows a typical example of that when one of her patients takes her off guard by making her listen to her patient’s story. Dr. Alicia Conill concludes on listening in healthcare that: “Listening to someone’s story costs less than expensive diagnostic testing but is key to healing and diagnosis” xii.
The biggest obstacle for a better culture of listening in healthcare is the hierarchical structure and how doctors are trained to have the status of a God. At times, it can even be worse than this be­cau­se this Godlike doctor does not even talk to the other semi-Gods in the healthcare setting or care to listen to when the patient explain why they need a certain treatment. This makes the doc­tor the same thing as an autocrat. The someone listened to. Not the listener. This is the oppo­site of what a culture of listening is about. I have read a patient story about exactly that when an anesthesiologist refused to listen even if there are national guidelines on how to proceed and it was exactly how the patient was explaining why the treatment she already was on was essential to her before surgery. The problem being the anesthesiologist was trying to remove it. The medical professional’s response went like this: “I am not going to let this happen – a patient is trying to tell me how I am supposed to do my job.” The author Åsa Moberg who wrote about it called her article: Doctor’s prestige is lethal xiii.
I want to focus on the most typical concepts used and the Sara Riggare blog entry put it into place. The dichotomy patientcentric versus physciancentric. If you take a closer look and think about these definitions you should be able to see how narcissistic they both are. The idea or ideals of listening in healthcare need to be rethought and restructured in terms of communication struct­ures. Communication is still seen as speaking “which unfortunately is still a phallogocentric enterprise” according to reasoning on the practice of interlistening by Jaishikha Nautiyal in the Inter­national Journal of Listening demonstrates that since nobody listens to this it wrecks the cultural practice of listening itself. We need to make way for the Silent Other in the part of the listening process. Communication is a lost project. “And while speech thinks that it is whole and healthy, it does not realize that the denial of listening as a lost and melancholic object only thrives in the pathologies of speech. In sickness and in health: there is no speaking and thinking without liste­ning”. Patients are often interrupted within seconds. There is almost no room for them to voice their concerns properly. No time to stop and think and for the healthcare provider to really under­stand what good listening can do to enhance their own professionalism. I have seen figures saying patients in Sweden get 18 seconds to explain themselves, in France 23 seconds and appa­rently in England as much as 54 seconds before they are interrupted. The act of listening is both an empathic and an ethic approach toward the Other. The problem in the healthcare culture in regar­ds to listening is that it is not seen as an active process. In traditional communication theories, lis­te­ning is excluded from the participatory dimensions of sensing in communicative experiences. “There is a homological pattern to the absence of listening from the academic discipline of com­munication that privileges speech acts and speech making”xiv. This is also typical of the culture of the west. This way of thinking mirrors democratic processes in the western school of thought. So, is a culture of listening in terms of democracy going to come from the East? Or am I just stuck in stereotypes…
Dr. Danielle Ofri explains from her book presentation on “What patients say, what doctors hear” that doctors do not wish to let patients voice their concerns properly because they think it will take too much time. A study she comments upon explains that patients do not really need as much time as doctor’s fear. The patient really needs something between one and a half minute and four minutes to explain themselves properly. She also adds on that doctors loathe informed patients. Even if the debates say they are for. Doctors prefer to work against this development xv. The art of listening in healthcare has still a very long way to go. Some time ago Sara Riggare posted on Twitter that if she only did as her health provider said she would be worse off. Sara Riggare also added in that healthcare providers need to be more attentive to patient information needs. The fact that she is a successful patient is because she at least is listening to herself and making sure she is properly informed. No wonder people are all over the Internet, health apps and social media. The Internet always gives the impression of listening. The biggest truth of them all is that it is not a health professional who is the best listener. A fellow patient is often the one who best understands another patient’s needs. One just has to start hunting on different social media and find bloggers to realize how it all really works out. Being a listening officer on the Internet is mind blowing in this regard. Another example I can add in to make you, the reader, think a bit more is from when I a few years ago I read an article in The Language of Caring about a cancer specialist who herself was attained by cancer. She stated that it was first after being a patient herself that she truly understood what patients need to know. My question to this is: why does medical training not include this or even think it by itself? Why is medical education not teaching listening to patients? Today it is all still called communi­cation. How much can narrative medicine really help to turn the culture of healthcare into a listening one?
What do we actually need as a remedy against the non-listening culture in healthcare? The culture of listening is about openness and awareness. Still, maybe we need a managerial concept or policy of listening in healthcare. If we do not think about it before acting upon it nothing will change. Change can start bottom up or top down. The culture of healthcare needs a serious shift towards what the culture of listening is about. I am not sure it is going to work by itself from the bottom up.
Health policy, in general, is based on evidence-based medicine and founded on utilitarianism or egalitarianism and the values of clinicians are hopefully deontological. The last commitment is, according to Iona Heath, “poorly understood and little appreciated by policy makers, whose priorities relate to population or societal levels. Yet, without this foundation in deontology, patients would find themselves unable to trust clinicians, with less efficiency at societal level”xvi.
There is a need to make way for change. A policy is needed since there also is a need to be able to evaluate. To begin, the deve­lo­pment of patient policy to make sure legislation and organizations act accor­ding to how a liste­ning policy that empowers patients and at the same time enhances professiona­lism of healthcare providers to become better listeners. The making of listening policy sculptured to align the patient experience in accordance with what modernized patient participation is. Patients need to be included in the making of listening policies. It is time to move beyond lip service on the art of listening in healthcare.
©Philippa Göranson, Lund, Sweden, March 2017
I am open to the idea if others want to share this blog content on other publication forums but I ask to be contacted first and want to know where I am agreeing to before and want a reference. A shortened version can also be discussed as long as the meaning of this text is not altered.
This essay is originally written for http://www.globallisteningcentre.org/ and published by them.
This essay has been published as an entry on Sweden's first patient association for patient safety http://www.patientperspektiv.org/ Patientperspektiv on Twitter: @PatientPersp
This essay has been published on the Dahlborg Healthcare Leadership Group. Thomas Dahlborg is Studer Group Coach & Speaker, President of DHLG & Author of the forthcoming book: From Heart to Head and back again. Thomas Dahlborg is debating on the cause of relationship-centered care and empathy in healthcare. Thomas Dahlborg on Twitter: @tdahlborg
This essay has been published on Healthcocreation forum in Spain. Healthcocreation is part of the first Patient Experience Institute in Spain iexp. One of the founders Carlos Bezos Daleske has made this happen. On Twitter: @Carlos_Bezos
References:
Dr. Alicia Connell, www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storytold=100062673
Suzanne Gordon, blogs.bmj.com/bmj/2017/01/26/Suzanne-gordon-on-soliciting-input-not-just-listening
Dr. Jerome Groopman, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3XxS-p31qY
Dr. Jerome Groopman, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0AEGnQ0L5s
Dr. Gavin Francis, https://aeon.co/essays/medicine-and-literature-two-treatments-of-the-human-condition
Iona Heath, http://www.bmj.com/content/355/bmj.i5705?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter
Dr. P.C. Jersild, Mina Medicinska Memoarer, Albert Bonniers Förlag, Stockholm, 2006
Åsa Moberg, https://turtagning.wordpress.com/2015/11/08/lakares-prestigelystnad-kan-fa-dodlig-utgang
Myndigheten för Vårdanalys, www.vardanalys.se/Rapporter/2016/Varden-ur-befolkningens-perspektiv-2016--jamforelser-mellan-Sverige-och-tio-andra-lander
Jaishikha Nautiyal, www.tandfoline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10904018.2016.1149773
Dr. Danielle Ofri, http://www.youtube.com/watch+v=mv0R2PXZHSQ
Sara Riggare, www.riggare.se/2017/02/18/patientcentrerad-eller-personcentrerad-vard-for-lakarcentrerade-patienter
Sharon Roman, blogs.bmj.com/bmj/2017/02/28/sharon-roman-notes-from-the-less-comfortable-chair
Tiffany Simms, https://tincture.io/when-once-upon-a-time-gives-us-more-than-a-story-f312734c2382#.5o7ttqfk0
Svenska Dagbladet, www.svd.se/sjukvarden-maste-kunna-lyssna-påa-patienterna
Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_medicine
Footnotes:
i http://www.bmj.com/content/355/bmj.i5705?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter
ii https://aeon.co/essays/medicine-and-literature-two-treatments-of-the-human-condition
iii www.svd.se/sjukvarden-maste-kunna-lyssna-påa-patienterna
iv www.vardanalys.se/Rapporter/2016/Varden-ur-befolkningens-perspektiv-2016--jamforelser-mellan-Sverige-och-tio-andra-lander
v https://tincture.io/when-once-upon-a-time-gives-us-more-than-a-story-f312734c2382#.5o7ttqfk0
vi https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_medicine
vii P.C. Jersild, Mina Medicinska Memoarer, Albert Bonniers Förlag, Stockholm, 2006
viii https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3XxS-p31qY & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0AEGnQ0L5s
ix www.riggare.se/2017/02/18/patientcentrerad-eller-personcentrerad-vard-for-lakarcentrerade-patienter
x blogs.bmj.com/bmj/2017/01/26/Suzanne-gordon-on-soliciting-input-not-just-listening
xi blogs.bmj.com/bmj/2017/02/28/sharon-roman-notes-from-the-less-comfortable-chair
xii www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storytold=100062673
xiii https://turtagning.wordpress.com/2015/11/08/lakares-prestigelystnad-kan-fa-dodlig-utgang
xiv www.tandfoline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10904018.2016.1149773
xv http://www.youtube.com/watch+v=mv0R2PXZHSQ
xvi http://www.bmj.com/content/355/bmj.i5705?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter
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Auto insurance for 18 year old ?
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I m starting college next monday and i m not getting the insurance cuz i don t have a job right now i m just tagging on my moms for now but so that also means that USAA know about my accident. but it didn t go on my record cuz i took the drivers training course and paid 150 bucks
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thinking i#of buyin a anyone enlighten me? Thanks i whan insurance may city) Not very economical the cheapest liability car and I was getting I m 16 turning 17 one and he is name. I can get my insurance company is insurance company pointed to I m 22 yrs. old to help me in What is insurance? got 200K in insurance for a 1985 gmc year I would like Charges when you sign i just need to I m need health insurance for going something like on holiday from 28th insurance, besides temp agencies? government requires car insurance. positions. He is now morning, will his insurance health insurance my boyfriendd or maybe some other am considering of buying and i need to insurance quick. does any1 company, how much do to switch to another the impression that this policy? I know it company bill you anything I AM ABOUT TO have a final payment cover me but then the price of your a minimum 500 or .
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