#version with links! wish tumblr wasn’t weird about them in the first place!

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Gotta say, Tumblr giving me nightmares is NOT a good turn of events.

It started out nice enough. I was hanging around with a bunch of friends I met on Tumblr. Obviously this is absurd, as if I’d meet anyone from here in the real world. Heck, when I told real world folks I don’t really use Facebook, but sent a link to my Tumblr not one of them were interested. Tumblr and the real world don’t connect.

Oh, and there was also a guy that was romantically interested in me with us. So clearly this dream wasn’t bothering with reality at all. Guys never even flirt with me, hell, I’ve never even been cat called! ** But dreams are dreams.

Anyway, everyone in the group started talking about something, a tv show, movie, or something. Whatever it was kept shifting. Dreams don’t you know.

The conversation turned to characters and everyone started assigning labels to characters. This character is a “insert label” or this character has “insert label”. 

 Now I was enjoying it at first. I loved that everyone was seeing themselves, ot at least what they needed to see, in these characters. These were characters where things weren’t ever said in the text, or the terminology or society at the time of creation wouldn’t have permitted it, and It was wonderful seeing people adopt them anyway.

Then it started to turn sour. Things like “only way to see it”, “everyone can tell”, “obvious”, “no other way to look at it”, and so forth were being said every other sentence. As far as they were concerned there was a label for each character and no other labels were allowed. 

I got uncomfortable. They saw themselves as being inclusive because they saw the characters as part of an under representative group, but they were excluding anyone else, even of  another under representitive group, that identified with the characters. 

They got to a character very dear to my heart, a character I’d identified with since I was a tiny child. They declared the character was absolutely something or other, I can’t remember what. The label didn’t fit me, but the character always had felt totally me.

So, I did something stupid. Since I was with good friends amd they were happily seeing themselves in the characters, I chimed in too. I said “That’s cool! You know, it’s interesting how we all see things differently. I’ve always seen them as..” and I described the way I’d always seen the character. The list involved a lot of personal characteristics that had made me indentify with the character.

I got shouted at. “NO!!! They are not like that!!!!” “If you can’t see that the character is only (insert label) then you hate people that are (insert label)!!!!!!” “You are trying to steal our character!” “You are obviously just prejudiced!!” “You are wrong! No one can honestly think that!!” “Why do you hate us?” 

I tried to argue quietly. I pointed out I liked them seeing themselves in these characters. It was completely valid, but I saw myself in this character and that should be valid too. I rarely saw someone like me in fiction, so this character had meant a lot. This character had been like a friend to me when I was a kid. 

“People like you don’t deserve friends!” 

And they left me in disgust. The guy said he was disappointed in me and walked away too.

Alone.

I didn’t hate anyone. I figured we all had our own versions of the characters, and mine was the one I needed, like the ones they had were theirs. Mine shouldn’t effect theirs. 

I was sharing because I thought we were friends. 

I thought I counted too.

I don’t belong anywhere.

I woke up crying, which is deeply embarrassing.

But you know, I get why I had the dream. I saw a post on here last night that reminded me of a few years ago when an online friend turned on me for not shipping their fave ship. Then I poked around a few minutes on a message board for a favorite fandom and ran into a lot of “one opinion allowed” kind of thinking. And running into the farmer yesterday reminded me how apart I am from the local community despite living my whole life here. Of course I had that dream.

TBH, it’s the crux of most my problems: I never feel I belong anywhere. 

Once upon a time I thought fandoms would be a way to belong. If only I could just meet someone that liked what I liked I’d have a place. At a child in the pre-internet days I had no real chance. A rumor that someone read comics or finding out someone had actually heard of Doctor Who could briefly stir a bit of hope. Inevitably the comic reader would move away three days after I found out or the person that knew of Doctor Who would have just seen two episodes and thought it was stupid, but it still would feel like a reminder of twinge of possibility. Somewhere out there someone liked the same things I liked, and I’d fit in. 

Funny thing, it never occured to me that if we liked the same thing that liking that thing differently might be a problem. I just figured that the important thing was our shared interest, not the small details of favorite episodes or whether a character made you swoon or cringe. 

The internet seemed a miracle at first. You could live in the middle of nowhere without anyone for miles with a thing in common, but suddenly you could talk to people all over the world. There were fandoms for anything and everything, enthusastist and hobbiests with every passion under the sun. There must be so many places I belong.

Or not.

Turns out that fandoms, hobbies, and the like all have their norms, their general consensus, their proper ways, and so forth. Even the most niche ones, subsets of subsets, tend to have a bit of gatekeeping that ends up making me feel excluded. I can’t even fangirl right because I’ll inevitably interpret something in an atypical way or I’ll latch onto a character “everyone” hates. 

So honestly, I think I need to accept at this point I belong nowhere really. I’m an oddball among oddballs.

 I just have to content myself with being a feral creature wandering a wilderness and watching from the trees as others gather around the campfires. I’d like to think if I approached I’d be adopted as their pet weird monster, but that’s unrealistic. I’ve been chased away and had spears chucked at me too many times. It hurts too much. Alone may not be as fun, but I’ll live. I have so far.

**TBH, I wish I were asexual or something so it wouldn’t be so disappointing to always be ignored. But it’s just the way it is for me...so maybe I’ll get used it. I expect it will only take another 50 years or so! LOL 

#my day #dreams #nightmares #fandom #tumblr #isolation

[proxyflans]

Novel Excerpts Compilation and More!

Happy Magical Girl Monday!

I’ve been a bit busy with classes, but as I promised on the previous Magical Girl Monday, under the cut I’ve created a compilation of excerpts that were prompted by Tumblr users. (And my ask box is still open, so if you want you can send in more prompts!)

Before we get into that, though, there’s a few things I want to go over!

First, here’s a link to a Trello board that I made so you can follow along with my progress on the light novel! I will update it whenever I make major progress. At the moment, it’s organized so each list represents a chapter, and each list has one card that has the chapter’s current word count out of my goal (8000 words). However, I might change the way it’s organized if I think of a better way.

The 8000 words per chapter isn’t a hard goal—I want to get close to it so the chapters are roughly the same length, but I’m fine with it being a little under or a little over. For example, chapters one and four are very close to 8000, but aside from a little editing, I consider them to be pretty much done since they hit all the points I need them to.

Once the story is written and edited, I’m going to design the cover and maybe a few single page illustrations, work on the interior formatting, and sell the final product in eBook formats on Itch.

What about the game itself?

The game is currently on the back burner until the first novel is finished, since most of the cutscenes will come from the novel. Doing this will improve my workflow, since I’ll have a collection of chapters to use as reference for the game instead of working on them side-by-side.

However, I’m highly tempted to switch over to a version of RPG Maker for the main game, most likely MZ. Creating cutscenes from scratch in GameMaker Studio is very frustrating. I downloaded the trial for RPG Maker MZ (RMMZ), and while I wasn’t able to utilize it every day that I had access to the trial, there was a big difference in the workflow when it comes to creating cutscenes—really wish that I had used a version of it from the start, especially for my Capstone.

One major difference may be the battles—I know I’ve said before that the current iteration of the battle system will be the last one, with no more changes, BUT this was when I was coding the entire thing from the ground up.

The built in system in RMMZ is very similar to what I currently have in GMS, but the issue that I’m seeing is I wouldn’t be able to use my current sprites without a lot of JavaScript behind the scenes. I’m familiar with JavaScript, but a little rusty when it comes to creating my own stuff. That being said, I feel like my focus with TMGiP has been with the story more than the battle system, so I feel that as long as the story branches properly and the cutscenes work, I’ll be happy with the outcome.

Thank you for following the stories’/games’ development! If you like what you see, reblog, comment, and share with your friends and anyone else who you think needs some magical girl positivity in their lives!

You can find all links on the PROXYFLANS Linktree! (Until all the download keys are taken, I won’t make The Magical Girl in PROXY a public download.)

Thank you all, and I hope you have a flantastic day! 🍮

🍮PROXYFLANS🍮

Rose emoji responses (out of context lines):

“Ya mean, after wanting to be a magical girl—for, like, my entire life—I get a piece of paper?“

“Takako. Why are we here? Why is everything teeth?“

“Your name is Takako! So I shortened it to Tako, ’cause your hair reminds me of an octopus!”

“Trinket machine’s broken.”

“Until she shows up again and hurls a rock at a villain, I’m calling it that her power is over plants.”

“Call me when there’s someone who has the power to rip out their heart and throw it at someone. Ha, that’s the closest you’d get to the ‘power of love’ in real life.” “Wow, what a romantic,” Tsubasa chimed in.

I had given Tsubasa my flan cup, “out of the blue” as she put it—and now I regretted not bringing another cup to distract me from socializing.

Before Tsubasa could answer, Masuyo placed their pad down on my desk and hugged Miku from the side, nuzzling her neck.

Character type submission:

An oddball with a heart of gold. This could describe a few of the characters from The Magical Girl in PROXY to some extent, but if I had to choose one I’d say… Minami Tsubasa, the magical girl of wind (later named “Wind Mystery”) A former member of the Paranormal Club, Tsubasa left because she is a firm believer that aliens are real, and that they’ve visited her and told her that they don’t like being lumped in with the paranormal. Tsubasa also has a lot of strange dreams that she talks about extensively with no filter to her friends, to the point that in the first episode Nana says the water droplets are like “something out of one of Tsubasa’s weird dreams.” She is the first one to stand up to Aki and her clique when they close in on Takako. Tsubasa is determined to befriend everyone she comes across when possible, but is most loyal to her small circle of friends. When Takako tells her about her Flan Girl theory (that Tsubasa might be Flan GIrl), Tsubasa accepts that she may have a past life that she doesn’t remember, and wants to help Takako regain her memories.

Song lyric submission:

You were always by my side, not anymore / Now the distance between us, is that of 3 meters (I miss you no 3 meters, translation via the Boueibu Wiki) I’ve been thinking about how to answer this: There are two separate scenarios in The Magical Girl in PROXY that this could relate to, but I don’t want to reveal the singer and the subject of the lyrics for both groups, since that’d reduce some of the tension for future plot developments… So without saying if they’re the singer or subject, and without saying who the other character in the scenario is: This lyric reminds me of Hikari and Chou.

#magical girl #anime #video games #indie #gamedev #mahou shoujo #magical girls #magical girl anime #mahou shoujo anime #videogames #video game #indie game dev #indie gamedev #light novel #novel #writing #The Magical Girl in PROXY

[pink-bird-30]

Mistltoe- Hournite Fic

I saw this idea on a tumblr post from @bethschapel ( and I hope it’s okay that I wrote a story about it *crosses fingers)

The idea was Beth snuck a kiss on Rick’s cheek under the mistletoe, and I absolutely love that idea.

I just thought this was the cutest idea ever and needed to write it.  Well, at least some variant of the idea.

You can find the link to this story here on my FF.Net.

Well, here we go

---------------------------

Rick peers around the large grey wall trying to avoid a particular JSA member.  Ever since he arrived at Courtney's to help setup for the Christmas party, he's been paranoid he’d get stuck under the mistletoe.

Well, more like mistletoes.

Mike decided to decorate half the house in mistletoe, which made things absolutely difficult for Rick if he were to stand too close to her.

Noticing the kitchen is a mistletoe free zone Rick made a quick dash for the island.  He slides across the floor and settles against the dark wooded cabinets before letting out a deep breath.  Rick rests his head against the cabinets and closes his eyes for a moment.

How the hell am I going to avoid Beth all night?

Don’t get him wrong, Beth is amazing and things have been going great for them.  Ever since the JSA defeated the ISA, Rick and Beth spend more time together attempting to repair her broken goggles.  With his new found knowledge on chemistry and a bit of alchemy, he thinks there’s a way to make them work again.  

Beth enrolled in a few computer science classes in school in hopes of understanding the coding Chuck used to create the goggles.  But every time they get somewhere, whether they get the lenses to read a room or Beth asks it a question and it starts to search, something goes wrong.  And Rick hates those moments the most.  He sees the light in Beth’s eyes dim each time, and it makes Rick frustrated because he hates seeing Beth sad.

After Chuck’s demise against Icicle’s blast, Beth felt responsible for his death.  Ever since, she keeps thinking she could’ve done something to protect him.  But after hours of consoling her, and letting her cry while he held her tight, she’d still be sad.  But Beth’s ambition to fix the goggles is what always helped her to brush away the tears and do everything to keep Chuck’s legacy alive.  Even if it means Chuck isn’t there anymore once the goggles are repaired.  Rick thinks that’s the hardest part for Beth.  Chuck was someone who understood her and made her not feel alone.  Particularly when her parents started to work more and she wasn’t close with the other JSA members yet.  He was her friend and she lost him.

Shuffling against the side of the island, Rick peaks out to glance down the doorway to the next room over, where Beth and Yolanda were decorating Christmas cookies.  His ears perk at their loud giggles.  Curiosity grabbing at him, he crawls across the floor and stands up against the opposite wall to hear the girls' conversation.

He dusts off his green and red knit sweater where a few dust bunnies clung to it, and shifts his head to press against the gray wall.

“So Beth,”  Yolanda’s voice drawls.  “Who do you think your secret Santa is?”

“I’m not too sure.  Maybe Courtney?  Ooo or maybe Rick!”

Rick's eyes widen.

There's no way she could’ve known…

Yolanda laughs, “I know who Courtney’s person is.  And its not you.  Maybe it is Rick.”

The sound of Beth’s giggle rings in the air before she said,  “I wonder what he could’ve gotten me?”

The girls’ conversation continues as Rick smiles to himself knowing his gift for Beth is perfect…

Later that night, the party is in full swing and everyone is having a great time.  Pat and Barbara are dancing to some upbeat version of ‘Jingle Bells’, Mike is chasing Max around the house trying to get his Christmas hat back, and the four JSA members are trying to make gingerbread houses.

Yolanda and Courtney took it upon themselves to work together on a house, leaving Rick and Beth to make their own.  They all fought over gumdrops, licorice and sprinkles to make their houses the best possible.  Rick finds himself smiling more and more as the gingerbread house making goes on.  Beth catches him laughing at one point and it warms her heart.  It’s moments like this she’s glad he can enjoy himself.

After making ginger bread houses, Rick steps outside to cool off from the heated house.  He walks across the porch to take a seat on the white wooden swing.  He sways back a forth for a while, enjoying the snow fall silently to the ground.  From behind him, he can hear the laughter of his friends as they enjoy the party.  He’s happy he can take this time and enjoy life for the first time, he wants to relish in the fact that he can be happy.

He chuckles to himself thinking how he was afraid of some mistletoe a few hours ago.  Sure he was able to avoid getting caught under it with Beth, but seeing her laughing and dancing with him to Christmas music was the perfect distraction.  At this point he wouldn’t care if they got caught, it’d be a great excuse to make the first move.

Rick let his eyes close, letting the brisk winter air calm down his heated body.  No sound for miles except the soft hum of Christmas music in the house.

After a few minutes he hears the front door open and close.  He doesn’t bother to open his eyes knowing who came looking for him.

“Hi, Beth.”  He slowly opens his eyes, seeing her standing in front of him with two mugs and a plush white blanket.

She smiles brightly at him, “How’d ya know it was me?”

He smiles warmly at her, “No one else would have come looking for me.”  Her cheek redden at the assumption and glances away from him bashfully.  Rick reaches out to take the mugs from her hands, gaining her attention and nods his head to the empty space next to him on the swinging chair.

As Beth gets comfortable on the swing, he notices she moves close to him and drapes the white plush blanket across their laps.  She reaches for the red mug in his hands and takes a small sip.  She smiles joyously letting out a small ‘Mmm’.

Rick holds his mug between his hands feeling the warmth chase away the cold.  He can smell the chocolaty aroma of hot cocoa but is curious by what he sees inside.  “Are there sprinkles in the hot cocoa?”  he asks.

Beth nods her head enthusiastically, “Sure is!  It’s a Chapel family secret.  My mom always adds a scoop of cool whip, a dash of cinnamon, and a drizzle of rainbow sprinkles.  Isn’t it great?”  Rick glances down at his cup again before taking a small sip of the warm beverage.  Instantly his senses are overwhelmed by the delicious drink.  The coolness of the cool whip melting against the heat of the cocoa, and the spicy sweet mixture of the cinnamon and sprinkles dance in his mouth.  Needless to say, it’s Rick’s new favorite drink.

“My god…”  He takes another sip and moans.  “There’s no way something this good exists.”

Beth giggles besides him and shifts to rest her head against his shoulder.  “Yeah, it’s a family tradition.”  She takes another sip of her cocoa and settles it on her lap.  The dark chocolate swirls around the white cool whip in her mug, mixing together to make a light chocolate. “Usually I’d be spending Christmas Eve with my parents, but they decided to work instead…”  Rick picks up on the sadness in her voice, and wishes nothing more than to make her feel happy again.  He rests his head against Beth’s and wraps his arm around her to pull her closer into his side.

They stay like that for awhile; sipping their hot cocoa and watching the snow drift softly to the ground.  Rick has never been more content in his life; his favorite person in his arms as they slowly swing on the porch.  The warmth from each other keeping them comfortable in the frigid Alaska winter.  Eventually, an hour passes and the hot cocoa is long gone.  The two teens decided to head inside for some warmth when the snow starts to come down a bit heavier.  Rick wraps the blanket around Beth and takes the two empty mugs from her hands.

“I could’ve held them.”  Beth holds the blanket tighter around her, feeling the chilled Alaskan air rush past them.

“I don’t want you catching a cold.”

Beth smiles to herself, happy with how sweet Rick is being with her.  Between the hot cocoa and cuddling while watching the snow…this night is perfect.

But Beth couldn’t help but think something is missing.

Rick opens the front door and gestures for Beth to walk through first.  She thanks him and walks into the living room where everyone is exchanging Secret Santa gifts.  Rick goes to the kitchen to drop off their mugs into the sink before making his way into the sitting room.

“Beth, this one has your name on it!”  Mike hands her a medium sized box in bright yellow wrapping paper and a dark blue bow. Beth smiles happily and takes a seat on the couch next to Rick.

“Ricky, this one is for you.”  Rick scowls at the preteen and grabs the box from his hands.  He mutters a “thanks” and crosses his arms.  He doesn’t like the name Ricky, it sounds extremely douchy.

“Mike,” Beth frowns.  “You know he hates when you call him that!”

Mike shrugs, not really caring what they said and passes around the rest of the gifts.  Everyone starts to open their gifts one by one, but before Beth could tear the wrapping on her present Rick places a hand on top of hers.

“Hey, umm…” Rick rubs the back of his neck nervously.  “Can you open your gift with me in the other room?”

Beth looks at him quizzically wondering why he’s asking such a strange request.  But she nods anyways seeing the hopeful look in his brown eyes, “Okay, sure.”  He smiles and takes her hand in his, ignoring the glances of everyone in the room.

Pat tilts his head slightly and turns to Courtney, “Court, what’s that all about?”

“Oh, you know.  Young love…”  Courtney says dreamily and clasps her two hands together while fluttering her eyelashes.

Pat rolls his eyes and mutters, “Teenagers.”

Across the house, Beth and Rick take a seat on a love sofa in the den.  Beth cradles her gift in her lap waiting for what Rick has to say.

“Look, I know it’s kinda weird I asked you to open this away from everyone.  But I just—”  He pauses trying to find the right words.  Focus Rick.  “I just wanted to be alone with you when you opened it.”  Beth smiles softly at the gift in her lap and slowly reaches for the blue bow.  She pulls at the ribbon, the coils coming undone and pulling with ease.  She lets it flutter to the floor, landing against the hardwood floor without a sound.

Beth tears at the yellow paper, the crunching sound eats away at Rick’s nerves.  He knows she’ll love her gift, but the tight feeling in his chest still holds as he watches her open the white box and peer down at its treasure.

Beth’s eyes widen noticing the leathery brown material anywhere, now taking on a new shade of yellow in the lenses and no longer having a strap, but two arms like a pair of sunglasses.  Slowly, she reaches into the box to pull the goggles out, letting the box in her lap fall to the ground with a thud.

“Rick…” Beth looks at him expectantly.  He can see her eyes gleaming with unshed tears.  “Will they—will they work?”

Without a word, Rick reaches out and removes Beth’s glasses from her face and gestures for her to put the new goggles on.  Taking a dep breath, Beth lifts the new goggles and slides them onto her face.  It was strange at first but then the goggles transformed; no longer were there arms on them but a sleek black band settling the goggles snugly against her.

“Hello, Dr. Mid-Nite.  My name is Chuck, how can I be of service to you?”

Beth sniffles as she asks Chuck, “Are you-u,” She takes a deep breath before continuing.  “Are you my Chuck?  The original Dr. Mid-Nite?”

Rick frowns realizing what Beth is asking.  He touches her arm gently, knowing the reply from ‘Chuck’ won’t be what she’ll expect.

“I am sadden to tell you, but I am no longer programmed for the original owner of these goggles.”  Beth’s shoulder deflate, upset her friend is gone, but she is still grateful her goggles work again.  “But I do have a message from Chuck-aka the original Dr. Mid-Nite.”  Beth stares at Rick as her goggles project a life size version of the original Dr. Mid-Nite.

“My dearest friend, Beth chapel.  Although my end was abrupt and none of your doing.  Do know my knowledge and legacy will remain with you.  The new Dr. Mid-Nite.”  Beth feels the tears gather at the corner of her eyes hearing Chuck speak to her again. “As long as you keep your friends close, you will never truly ever be alone again.  Until we meet again, Beth.  Godspeed.”

The image of Chuck fades out and Beth touches the goggles, returning them to their original form with two arms as she pulls them away from her face.

Rick stares at the space where Chuck had occupied at a loss for words.  “Um…I don’t remember that feature…”

Beth wipes at her eyes, “Storage memory.  Chuck must’ve added it once the basic technology of the goggles was too extensive. Smart.”  Her usual enthusiasm is missing in her voice, drawing concern from Rick.  He shifts closer to her on the sofa and pulls her into his arms.

“I didn’t know that would happen, I was just excited that I finally got them to work again.”  He whispered into her hair.  Beth rests her head against his chest and wraps her arms tightly around his torso.

“I love them.  Thank you for figuring out how to fix them, It means a lot to me.”

“I’d do anything to make you happy, Beth.  Merry Christmas.”  He kisses her forehead before pulling away to look down at her.  Beth  looks up at Rick and smiles but then notices something above him that catches her eye.

Rick tilts his head wonder what she find so amusing.  He follows her line of sight to see his enemy from earlier tonight.

Mistletoe.

Rick feels the heat rise to his cheek as his attention slowly drifts back to Beth.  By the time his eyes meet hers, they’re already glinting with mischief.

“I do recall you mentioning you’d do anything to make me happy…”  her voice is lower than Rick remembers, making him extremely nervous.

He pulls at the neck of his sweater feeling it tighten all of a sudden, “Yu- I mean,”  he clears his throat, “Yes.”

Beth’s hands trail up Rick’s chest and make their way around his neck. “Does that include partaking in Christmas traditions?”

Yes, a hundred times yes.

Regaining his confidence, Rick pulls Beth into his lap while wrapping his arms around her waist.  He leans in close, letting his lips hover over hers for a moment, “Wouldn’t want to be a Grinch.”

Beth brushes her nose against his and rests her hand against his cheek, “No, we wouldn’t want that.”

With his patience running thin, Rick brushes his lips against Beth’s eliciting a small gasp from her.  Hearing that small sound ignited something between them and their lips collided again and again.  The soft touches innocent in nature, but eager with heat.  Chaste kisses that leave Beth breathless as Rick kisses down her neck and stops at that spot beneath her jawline, making her already blurry vision diminish completely.

Her hands thread through Rick’s hair and gently tugging to bring his mouth back to her for a slow kiss.  It wasn’t rushed or hot but passionate and sensual.  It’s pure emotion being poured out into this one moment, a moment that has been put off for far too long.

The sound of footsteps heading in their direction is what pulls them apart just in time for Pat to tell them it was time for dessert.  But the obvious stern father tone is enough for them to follow him back to the dining room hand and hand.  Pretending to ignore the blatant glares they’re receiving from their friends, Beth and Rick spend the rest of the night happy that Mike was adamant about the mistletoes.

Especially when he gets stuck under it with Max.

The End.

#Hournite #Dr.Mid-Nite #Hourman #Beth Chapel #Rick Tyler #Stargirl #ff

[iwannawritepls]

Writing Update 04?

So much is happening. Like gosh.

Welcome back to me not using paragraphs correctly!!

So! We have 17ish chapters now which is like woah.

It took me much much too long to write but now we’re on 50k!!! we got there folks and I can confidently say that I will most likely have 20 chapters with around 54-55k words as I predicted. Is it weird that um feeling super melancholy about that??

But on the positive side there will be another book after this because uhhh there’s too much to wrap up in just one.

I wrote and deleted chapter 14 over and over again but now I have something I'm proud of at lastttttt! I realised after talking about it to some friends that

1) I skipped something huge by accident  

2) In the first few versions of chapter 14 there was no climax to what was happening

3) I was adding things but at that point I should’ve started to answer them

So we fixed it up and now she’s pretty damn cool. The second half of the chapter still needs a little bit of editing until I can become happy with it but oh well.

I also edited chapter 15 so they’re ready for the most part but the last 2 need basically a rewrite for them because they’re soooo bad. I shouldn’t measure by words but generally for a fist version of a chapter I write anywhere between 800 and 1000 words and then I manage, through editing, to make it become somewhere between 1500 and 4500 which is a big leeway but it really just depends on what’s happening.

There’s something huge that happens in chapter 17 but I only wrote 459 words for it because it was 2 in the morning and I wanted to get it done before I tried to sleep. Inevitably it was quite bad. Chapter 16 is the same but thankfully that’s 914 words so there’s something more to work with. Yayyyyy.

Needless to say, I will not be including excerpts from them in this.

So chapter titles?

Chapter 13 - Metamorphosis of a Blizzard

Chapter 14 - Curtain Call (subject to change)

Chapter 15 - Kingfisher Flurry

Chapter 16 – Catgut Bindings

Chapter 17 – AHHHHHHHHH (this is 100% changing I just needed to put something and I was freaking out)

Oh, oh and! I have a proper actual name for the book! Sisyphus Lies on Unmade Beds. How suitably edgy.

There are so many references to Greek mythology that the title fits and it can link to all of them in some way, so I thought why not. There’s #symbolism to it all. And who isn’t a fan of accidental symbolism you find halfway through your book.

What happens??

Chapter thirteen is a long-waited apology from Bas to the one person who deserves it most. We find out about someone vaguely important for the next book as well as a character that maybe might have his own little book of his own.

Chapter fourteen includes our boy Sebastian coming along and helping by not helping at all!! Yay…but really what else is new, his motives don’t align with the boy’s and so we shouldn’t expect him to be helpful in any way.

Chapter fifteen is a dangerous thing…out dude the devil makes an appearance. For those who’ve listened to the magnus archives or watched Everyman Hybrid I tried to emulate Michael/Habit in it but it hasn’t really worked out yet. I'm getting there but I'm not at terrifying levels of suave. When writing characters that are so powerful they could murder you with a single flick o’ the wrist you are treading a careful line between edginess and not threatening at all.

chapter sixteen is the fallout. If we follow the lovely 3 act structure we are at the darkest moment in chapter sixteen and chapter seventeen continues with that mood but follows through with the whole ‘hope’ thing. jk there’s no hope just crisis.

I find that I managed to actually keep to the 3-act structure naturally?? I'm a discovery writer so it’s a little more difficult for me to not meander off into the sunset/make everything happen much too fast. But I think pacing was okay in this as long as I keep track of the seasons – which I hope I did.

We have a few memes from dearest friends – kinda old but have them

And now,,,the excerpts!!

Everything felt like cotton was stuffed inside, swelling, and soaking through with excess fluid. Fluid that was still building in his lungs, he felt them pressing against his ribs and rubbing together eating away more at his already damaged body. Gorging on him, dissolving him, water couldn’t ever be full only overflow and so it would continue to erode his body to fit the ever-greater capacity he needed to hold.

He's not dying! I mean he is but not yet!! I feel so bad that Albert has spent more of this book sick than anything, but I feel like I'm constantly mentioning him and I don’t want people to get annoyed by him? idk I feel like someone would find him annoying and that he did nothing but whine – probably a carryover from the original book where he could’ve been beaten up by his own shadow. He can and does stand up for himself in this more than in the original but

They began to mend themselves in a way that neither Narcissus nor Prometheus could have foreseen. So maybe they weren’t quite butterflies or moths. Maybe instead they were snakes, the devil’s advocates turned serpentine after rebelling against God. But that meant that at least they could change again, shed their skin, and start afresh after mountains of pain and healing from accidental words fallen from temporarily false tongues.

Let’s play how many references to classic literature can you fit into one paragraph at least 4. One of which is Paradise lost. Because Greek mythology just wasn’t enough.

The old man shivered and croaked out a few more words so quiet that the wind ate them. The woman just stared at him with wide eyes before fleeing back to the cold.

This is the ending of a while thing from a book that Al’s reading. I kinda wished this book existed its got some of my favourite techniques in it and some of my favourite lines but this one was the only one I could just take without a pause for drama between Alberts reading.

Enoch wanted to skip the walk the moment he realised there wouldn’t be any talking, every single one of his steps was too slow, every single breath was too loud. Even as he tried to listen to the conversations of those they walked past, it was too distant and blurred for him to listen to in any kind of concordant manner.

My boy hates the quiet and I feel that

The very first promises of autumn began to chew on the leaves, She took each one into her embrace and changed the deep greens that summer left in His wake and transformed them into a cacophony of yellows, reds and oranges. She plucked the ripened ones from their cradles and pulled their colour from their grasp placing it on Her tongue and dropping the carcases into winters waiting hands.

This is kinda purple and I had just read Der Sandmann so I was super into the vibe of it. I referenced it more originally before editing it so now all we have is a very slight call back if you know the story that you can vaugly make if you try.

Nature was so simple and yet beautiful, complicatedly captivating.

William is yearning

“Enoch.” Basil called out

“it wasn’t me!” he replied holding his hands up “I came out here to get him a new hat, it was Valentine that dragged him in.” he held up a lily pad with a grin.

“where is Valentine?”

“probably wrestling the heron.” He replied wading towards the shoreline.

Just some fun from them because you all need to see that they can be friends I swear.

A man was stood in the middle of the flurry, he stepped through them as if they were nothing but a reflection on the glassy water.

And that’s all for chapter fifteen I think unless there’s something at the end because I know people who read this irl and they haven’t gotten any of this yet. So I don’t want to ruin things but I also want to give you all things so it’s a struggle.

because you cannot help the diseases in your mind

this is something I wish I heard more often so here. You’re super awesome and the dude who said this is big brain mode.

But yeah that’s all. I probably won’t update again until I'm done and even then it’ll be one I’ve sent the last chapters to my friends so that they can read it and I can talk about the plot for real because I’ve been vague for spoiler reasons outside Tumblr.

I love these guys so much, but I'm excited to begin something newer y’know? I want to stay in this world, but I want to follow different characters before I go back to these guys because they are dysfunctional as all hell.

Anyway, I’ll talk more about that later. Until next time!!

Hope you have a nice dayyy!!!

#writingupdate #writing #writebrl #amwriting #writerblr #my #writing update #this was so long #im so sorry #also 50k #kevin the magpie is outside #i love him so much #what else do we love? #im glad you asked #my boys #thank you for reading this #i hope you have a good day #alright im going to bed #lmao bye #:p #and i love my boys #sisyphus update

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Do you know of any fics where John has body dysmorphia or an eating disorder? Also, I’ve read almost every fic in your lists... what is your recommendation for a punch in the gut pining fic from either side? Thank you ever so, lovely

Hi Nonny!

Ah, I actually don’t read eating disorder fics because for personal reasons, but I have done a list SIMILAR to John dysmorphia here before: Insecure / Awkward John or Sherlock (Jan 2019). Alexx has a John is Insecure list you can check out there.

For Pining, I have a RIDICULOUSLY HUGE Pining Sherlock [MOBILE FRIENDLY VERSION] list at that link there and a Mutual Pining list too. And Pining John… well, I’ve been putting together a list for years because someone asked me for it ages ago, LOL. Sorry it’s not super long like my others (most of them are in the Mutual pining list, LOL)! I suppose I can use this opportunity to post up what I have sorted so far, LOL

PINING JOHN

See also:

Mutual Pining

Pining Sherlock [MOBILE FRIENDLY VERSION]

Where You Are by Mazarin221b (E, 2,478 w., 1 Ch. || Beach Sex, First Time, Fluff, Smut, Holidays, Pining) – He can admit he’s secretly a little glad Sherlock didn’t come with him. He needs a break. Sherlock is a handful at the best of times, and the near-constant apologizing, fixing, dealing-with, and following up on is exhausting. The near-constant unrequited attraction is a bit exhausting, too, to be honest, and John could really use a tiny bit of rest from the relentless hammering on his brain and heart.

Until the End of the World by SarahCat1717 (G, 3,049 w., 1 Ch.|| Angst, First Kiss, Pining Sherlock, Oblivious John, Drunkenness) – Taking place in Season 3, John listens to an old favourite song and sorts through his memories and feelings about Sherlock and Mary.

Out of Time by westernredcedar (T, 3,163 w., 1 Ch. || Wedding, Angst, Pining John, Sad Ending) – Somerset is a lovely place for a wedding, but what John hadn’t accounted for was the getting everyone there.

Between Asleep and Awake by katydidit (K, 4,309 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Sick Fic, Post-TRF / Reunion) – John is sick. Incredibly, extremely, dangerously sick. Plagued by a high fever, he begins to hallucinate, start seeing things that aren’t really there. Because they can’t be there. Can they?

Overture by Kate_Lear (M, 4,435 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Angry John, Introspection, Dev. Rel., Embarassed / Insecure Sherlock, Morning After, Bed Sharing, Cuddles / Limpet Sherlock) – A short snippet on how John and Sherlock might have got together.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want by hubblegleeflower (E, 4,804 w., 1 Ch. || Pining, Sexual Tension, UST / RST, First Time) – John wants. He always has, but now that he’s living with Sherlock again, it’s all he can do to hold it back. And Sherlock isn’t helping…

See Recipe for Details by pandoras_chaos (E, 4,981 w., 1 Ch. || Oral / Anal Sex, Food, PWP, Fingerfucking) – John knows Sherlock’s mouth will never water over the sweet smells of baking chocolate biscuits or a lovely roast chicken, but he’s watched Sherlock nick mince pies out of Mrs. Hudson’s fridge often enough to deduce that the man does have taste, albeit confusing and obscure. So John makes a list: Things Sherlock Likes

Strings by EstherShapiro (E, 5,267 w., 1 Ch. || Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Massage, Friends to Lovers, Fingering, Anal, PWP) – Sherlock wakes his doctor up. Was this weird? John was sitting on his bed, late at night, rubbing his hands over another man’s body? That was supposed to be weird, right? Then again, this wasn’t just some man, it was Sherlock. They were so used to each other that John didn’t even think to question it. It wasn’t weird.

EMERGENCY CONTACT: John Watson, RELATIONSHIP: Saint by blueink3 (M, 6,229 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt Sherlock, 5+1, Hurt / Comfort, Caring John, Scars) – The first time Sherlock Holmes realizes he needs an emergency contact is the first time he mentally appoints John Watson with the job. John, of course, does not know this and neither does the local hospital. Part 2 of The Emergency Contact Series

I can’t pretend by Salambo06 (E, 7,692 w., 1 Ch. || Fake Relationship, Victor Trevor, Jealous John, Miscommunications, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Anal, BJs) – They had arrived more than a hour ago, and the moment they had walked inside the hotel reception, John had understood why Sherlock hadn’t wanted to come. Two men, posh suits and expensive watches on their wrists, had come to greet them with sharp remarks and badly hidden mockery, and John had seen red. Sherlock hadn’t said anything, mostly ignoring the two men entirely, and without thinking twice about it, John had slid an arm around Sherlock’s waist and introduced himself as his husband.

Sometimes When We Touch by kedgeree (M, 7,755 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Kiss/Time, Inappropriate Giggling, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Virgin Sherlock, John Whump, Touching) – John might be touching Sherlock a little more often than is strictly necessary. Sherlock probably hasn’t even noticed. Right…?

Every Night I Look for You by destinationtoast (E, 8,377 w., 1 Ch. || POV John, Post-TRF, Angst, Mystery, Unsafe Sex, BAMF John) – Every night, John looks for familiar hints of Sherlock in the men he meets in bars, and he does with them all the things he wishes he’d done before. Eventually, he stumbles into a situation that Sherlock would know how to handle, and John must decide whether he can handle it without him.

Evening Ride by LapisLazuli (E, 8,632 w., 1 Ch. || Public Sex, Alternate First Meeting, Humiliation Kink, Groping, Frottage, Consent Issues, Come Play) – John has a series of unexpected meetings with a stranger on the Tube.

Ravish Me by amalnahurriyeh (E, 10,025 w., 1 Ch. || UST / RST, Makeup / Lipstick, Sympathetic Sally, Experiments, Pining John, First Kiss, Face Fucking / BJ’s, Cuddling) – Sherlock is experimenting with patterns of wear on lipstick in daily encounters. John is going to go insane.

Down with this Ship by FrostedFlame (PinkOrchid) (M, 10,862 w., 10 Ch. || For a Case, Gay Bar, Pining, Coming Out, Slow Burn) – Sherlock drags John undercover to a gay bar - for a case, of course - looking forward to seeing John flustered by their surroundings (since you know, he’s NOT GAY). John decides that he has hidden both his orientation and his feelings for his daft flatmate for far too long. He is done hiding, time to be honest with his bloody best friend in the world. He just hopes it won’t change anything between them. And then it does.

Johnlock Ficlet Collection by Irrevocably_Sherlocked (E, 11,505+ w., 16/? Ch. [WiP] | Random Ficlets, Pining, Angst, Fluff & Smut, Parentlock, AU’s, First Kiss, Character POV’s) - Just a collection of Johnlock ficlets, originally posted on my Tumblr page.

Say For Me, Love by MirabileLectu (T, 13,147 w., 1 Ch. || UST, First Kiss, Drama, Pining John, Victor Trevor) – If you had asked John this morning what the result of his quiet afternoon at home would be, discovering a truth about Sherlock’s past startling enough to shift the foundations of their friendship would not have been his first guess. So naturally, that was what was bound to happen.

A Hundred Thousand Ways to Say the Name John by Jberry (E, 16,825 w., 1 Ch. || Fake Relationship, Fake Marriage, POV John, Pining John, Cruise Ship, Angst & Fluff, Case Fit) –  John Watson and Sherlock Holmes must solve a case on a cruise ship. To get close to the crew and passengers, they must get married for the case on the Baetica. However, their relationship hits rocky seas both due to the case and internal conflicts. Part 1 of Baetica

Love or What You Will by miss_frankenstein (T, 31,987 w., 11 Ch. || College/Uni AU || Professor John, Ph.D Student Sherlock, Pining John, Poetry, Falling in Love / Slow Burn, Light Angst, Happy Ending) – John is an English professor who specializes in War and Post-War Literature and Sherlock is the brilliant yet impossible Ph.D. student assigned to be his TA because no one in the Chemistry Department is willing to put up with him. And - somewhere between Waugh and Plath, e-mails and takeaway, novels and villanelles - they fall in love.

Chaperones by MissDavis (T, 34,114 w., 7 Ch. || 11 Years Post-S4, Fake Relationship, Parentlock, Disney World, Bed / Room Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, First Kiss, Obsessive Sherlock, Insecure John) – Right. Of course. Everyone assumed they were a couple and no one would question it. John put his elbows up on the table so he could rest his head in his hands. “You want to pretend to be a couple so we can chaperone a trip to Disney World with Rosie’s class and you won’t have to share a room with a stranger?” “Exactly.” Sherlock beamed at him. “Don’t worry about the cost. The Birmingham case last month paid more than enough to cover expenses for all three of us.”

The Wrong Wagon by DancingGrimm (E, 35,663 w., 20 Ch. || Alternating POV, Molly/John [Molly pines for John], Public Sex, Casual Sex, Obliviousness, BAMF!John, Awkwardness, Angst & Humour, First Time, Virgin Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock) – Molly sees John in a new light and realises that she may have hitched her horse to the wrong wagon…or something like that. John pines for Sherlock and worries what he will think if he ever finds out. And Sherlock doesn’t know what Molly’s up to…but he knows he doesn’t like it.

The Boy Who Drank Stars by kinklock (E, 36,157 w., 4 Ch. || Howl’s Moving Castle AU || Witches and Wizards, Slow Burn, Magic, Jealous John, Happy Ending, Bed Sharing) – “I’m looking for a castle,” John informed the scarecrow. “A moving one.”Except that, as it turned out, it was not a moving one at all.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways, Needy Sherlock, Wings) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

The Soul Remembers by i_ship_an_armada (E, 43,636 w., 10 Ch. || Oblivion AU || Post-Apocalypse, Movie Fusion, Science Fiction, Action/Adventure, Angst, Dreams, Bittersweet Ending) – John Watson is the lone security repairman stationed on a desolate, nearly-ruined future Earth. His dreams are plagued by a tall, dark-haired man, and when his dreams meet reality, he will be forced to question everything he believes is the truth about his life.

The Bells of King’s College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It’s only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths…

Summit Fever by J_Baillier (M, 78,802 w., 18 Ch. || Mountain Climber AU || POV John, Angst, Tragedy, Suicidal Ideation, The Himalayas, Mountain Guide / Doctor John, Mount Climber Sherlock, Loneliness, Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Injured Sherlock / Sherlock Whump, Pining John) – After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he’s a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover’s trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world’s highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?

Secrets and Revelations by Hisstah (E, 83,535 w., 9 Ch. || Sentinel / Guides Omegaverse AU || Adventure, Violence, Anal / Oral, Omega!John / Alpha!Sherlock, Case Fic, Politics, Mild DubCon) – Dr John Watson has some major secrets that he’s kept from his flatmate, Alpha Sentinel Sherlock Holmes. Now the Sentinel Tower is after him. Can John stay out of their hands until he can reveal his secrets to Sherlock? Part 1 of Secrets and Revelations

A Case of Identity by jkay1980 (T, 91,009 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Fake Relationship, Case Fic) – John and Sherlock have succeeded in rebuilding their friendship after Sherlock’s fake suicide, but an unusual case puts their relationship to the test. They pretend to be engaged and attend a marriage counseling workshop. Under the pretext of the case, Sherlock turns out to be a master of seduction, and John finally learns he might like Sherlock more than he thought. Slowly, John discovers that he loves Sherlock not only in a friendly, brotherly way, but both men have to fight their own demons before they can think of taking their relationship to a new level…

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard (M, 119,150 w., 21 Ch. || Canon Divergence, Post-TRF, John’s Sexuality, S3 Rewrite, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, John’s Gay) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

Gimme Shelter by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (E, 159,368 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || 70′s Surfer AU || Period Typical Homophobia, Hawaii, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Professional Surfers, Gay John / Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John was a Sailor, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining) – All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair. That’s all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition. (PUBLISHED AS ‘The Sea Ain’t Mine Alone’)

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #pining john #angst fics #pining idiots #Anonymous #fic rec sunday

[wallstagram]

january - march fic recs

this might be a long one, so hold on for the ride! below are some of my favorite, favorite, favorite fics that i’ve read so far in 2019 - some are new works, some are tried and true ones that I always come back to for inspiration, and some just make my heart so happy, that they made it on this list! 

all authors are listed by their AO3 name but linked to their tumblr, if I could find it!

:: J A N U A R Y ::

honestly, such a busy month for me! i spent most of that month focused on school and working on my own fics, but after having a look at my history, these were the works that stood out as favorites!

like an endless summer by objectlesson 

Or, Louis is a riding instructor at a summer camp, and Harry is a fellow counselor who he’s been successfully managing his crush on for the last two summers. That is, until Harry shows up this year leveled up and lethal, and all Louis’s formerly perfected veneer of nonchalance melts like a popsicle in the sun. 

OKAY. This story is wonderful. I’m such a sucker for summer camp AU’s, and this one is so drawn out and well done. At 87k, it gets slow burn right without becoming boring. Sweet and sexy moments about facing fears and finding love with all your best friends around. I’m also here to rec the sequel palms reflecting in your eyes because YES.

hymns for restless stars by turnyourankle

Every Holiday season Louis has his pupils write down their Christmas wishes for class. He's read almost every wish under the sun, but one girl's wish takes him by surprise. It's for her uncle not to be alone anymore. It's not a wild wish by any means, but Louis had no idea that former teen idol Harry Styles was lonely in the first place.

this is such a sweet, sweet work that is so near and dear to my heart. It touches on some themes that I feel are downplayed by the fandom (but that rant is for another post, haha) so it was lovely to see it done so well. I just love the characterization and how the whole thing flows from beginning to end. It may be ~38k, but as a 25-chapter fic, I’d consider it an easy read over time, and a story I fully recommend. 

:: F E B R U A R Y ::

a firm believer and a warm receiver by objectlesson

a few months ago, Louis had his first heat. It was no big deal, aside from it being awkward and weird and all the other things it was supposed to be. He figured he would present as an omega, so he wasn’t exactly surprised or anything.

But then, last week, Harry had his first heat, too.

---

Or, the omega/omega sleepover fic no one asked for but y'all really, really need.

so - i’m all about non-traditional pairings, and the ABO verse has been full of amazing ones! While this story is shorter than a lot of my recs (at ~ 11k) it is wonderful and the characterization of H and L is wonderful. Highly recommend this one for anyone who likes ABO.

leave your mark on me by fullonlarrie 

When Chef Harry Styles’ unbonded Omega designation threatens to derail his career, he does the only thing he can, and goes in search of a black market bond.

wow. okay. so this is one of those stories that - it just blows my mind that more people aren’t talking about how amazing this is! it weighs a bit more heavy on the oppressive realities of ABO for omegas, and i love falling into a version of ABO that I could really envision being an alternate reality. I love the style of it, and the pace is exactly what it needs to be. About 32 k, nice slow burn. (if you haven’t seen a theme, I love a good slow burn!)

from, your secret admirer by flicker_album

Or the one where Louis is Harry's Tumblr crush so he sends him secret admirer messages for Valentine's Day

I really love the idea of fanboys!H&L. I loved the real-world touches, and I think the prompt is so stinking cute! It’s a nice, light read. I thoroughly enjoyed the style and just the dialogue set. 

fugue by iwillpaintasongforlou

Harry falls asleep a 17 year-old who lives in Cheshire and is probably rockstar Louis Tomlinson's biggest fan. He wakes up 24 with a wedding ring on his finger, two kids, and Louis Tomlinson attempting to wake him up with a blow job. The doctor calls it organic retrograde amnesia, says he might never get back the last seven years of his life. The only thing that feels the same is how he feels when Louis touches him, and maybe that's enough to make him fall in love all over again

i really think of this fic a lot more than i’d care to admit. there are a few (in my opinion) classics in the fandom that I think everyone should read, and this is surely one of them. there’s the perfect blend of angst and falling in love, dolloped with domesticity, learning to trust each other again, smut, and happiness. i often get so lost in this work that I imagine it’s much longer than it really is (at 17k) but it’s enough to really sink your teeth into and get lost inside of. when i need to be filled up as a writer, these are the kind of works i go to - the ones that have stood the test of time and still are wonderful every single time I come back to them.

:: M A R C H ::

somewhere between a minute and a lifetime by dinosaursmate

“Is your passport definitely in your bag?” “It’s definitely there,” Harry huffed. “I’m not stupid.” “I never said you were, love. I’m just asking from experience.” “It happened once.” Louis pressed his lips together and wheeled his suitcase towards the front door. “And… you really aren’t wearing a plug? You swear?” Harry finally cracked a smile. “I swear.” --- Harry and Louis go on their first big holiday, and they have a few surprises for each other along the way.

so I recommend the whole series, but this third installment is surely my favorite, and the one I come back to. i love holiday fics, and there’s something about this spunky couple that has me following every single word the author has written. I love how witty Harry can be in this, and how nothing about their holiday is picture perfect. all to say - for a smut-centered fic, it knows how to balance an amazing plot and really keep me wanting more. it’s also a nice length at 20k, that I feel satisfied but not like i’ve been reading for forever. i’m really hoping a part four is on the way!

the second hand unwinds by fullonlarrie

Louis Tomlinson is one of the first members of NASA's top secret Chrono Exploration Program. When things go wrong and he's sent further back in time than planned, he has no other option than to show up on his ex-boyfriend's doorstep.

this story fucked me up in the best way possible!!! I really read it all in one go, set it aside, and came back to it. Skimmed for the parts i needed to read again, read the entire thing again, and since I read it, it always comes to mind as one of the first fics I’ll recommend out to someone. i already babbled about my adoration for this fic in the comments, so i’ll let you go see for yourself! it’s ~52k of pure gold.

tell me this is paradise by quickedween

Harry Styles has been lucky in love but unlucky in the bedroom with all of her previous boyfriends. When her best friend Niall finds out that she's never had an orgasm, she knows just what Harry needs: Louis Tomlinson. Niall sets Harry up to get sorted out.

if you asked me five weeks ago if i’d ever have a girl!direction fic in my list, I would’ve laughed. for some reason, i’ve never been able to fully immerse myself in the plot, really get into it. I just - I couldn’t take it seriously. until this. this fic rocked my entire world. it’s the shortest fic on my list at ~ 5k, so i’ve read it multiple times and would seriously recommend based off the characterization, amazing smut, and the fact that it turned me into a girl!direction believer. (AND it inspired me to go on a similar journey to the one Harry has - but that’s for a different post!) but thank you for converting me to girl!direction, quickedween!

like a siren in the night by whoknows

“There is an infestation in my home,” Louis hisses, righting himself quickly and pushing his way past Harry, heading directly for the kitchen. He’s rather haphazardly dressed himself, a coat thrown on over a loose flannel shirt and black pants, slippers on his feet.

Harry resists the urge to sigh, closing the door and trailing behind him slowly. “What kind of infestation?”

For all he knows, Louis is going to claim that there’s a ghost infestation. Harry has no idea what the end game is here – all he knows is that Louis has found at least three complaints a week to bring up since he’s been living on Harry’s property, and he’s been living here for six months.

It’s way too many fucking complaints, is what Harry is saying. Especially when most of them are ridiculous to start with.

oh, my heart. i love this fic so much. it’s ABO, and it has the perfect level of angst, love, and everything in between. i love the imperfect relationship between H and L - and i’m sure you will too! such a darling, sexy, and wonderful work! (~25k)

salt and the appetite by sadaveniren

Aka Harry, a popular BDSM blogger, writes a negative review about Louis’ club. Louis wants to have a chance to make it up to him.

so i’m a huge fan of anything sada writes, but the no control club series itself is so amazing! i always come back to it for something that I know won’t let me down, that is steamy and perfect! this work that starts off the series is 14k of smut and all sorts of fun, sexy stuff that H and L get up to. if you haven’t already read it, you must be living under a rock. go check it out!

so, that’s the list! thank you to @sadaveniren, @becomeawendybird, @fullonlarrie, @dinosaursmate, @canonlarry, @flicker-album, @horsegirlharry, and @turnyourankle for writing such masterpieces! stay tuned for my next rec list! if you survived reading this entire post, you deserve a medal

#fic rec #rec list #2019 recs #ao3 #larry fic #larry fic rec #larry smut #warmcuppatea recs

[cleverbroadwayurl]

Prom Queen (Jeremy Heere x Reader Pt 20)

Song: Prom Queen by Catie Turner

Word Count: 2629

Need to Catch Up? Again, everything is linked in my masterlist because Tumblr is being silly about links! 

A/N: Please enjoy this new installment! I’ve been working hard on making sure that this piece is wonderful, and actually over a year ago, I started writing and rewriting this piece! I am so happy with how far it’s come and the support on it is amazing!! Thank you so much! 

Taglist: @retrogarden @be-more-heidi-hansen @scarsonthecuffsofyourjeans @catatonic-kuragin @bluhimaweirdo @stargirl-murphy 

Trigger Warnings: Jeremy self depreciating, mentions of alcohol, extreme concern, mentions of an abusive boyfriend, mentions of traumas happening to a main character, mentions of the SQUIP, if I MISSED ANYTHING LET ME KNOW

Jeremy reaches his hand out, shaking as he tries to move the cursor away from the piece of media. He stops. Sharply, quickly, he shuts his laptop and casts it aside. Rolling over, the tears that had been forming in his eyes now spill down his cheeks. He can feel his legs contracting, toes curling so hard that his muscles begin to hurt, hands gripping the blanket. You were okay. You had to be okay.

Right?

It’s been two weeks since Jeremy had packed up his entire room with Michael and landed himself back at home, in his own room, with his own bed, and his own bathroom. The change had been sudden, weird, foreign to him. There was a though as he had looked at his house—a simple one, a new one: I don’t live here anymore, do I?. As the bags rolled up and into the house, Jeremy felt himself hesitate, like the world had stopped for a second to allow him to just take everything in. Sure, he was happy to be back and see his friends, but he missed some of the people that he’d met at school. He missed being able to have explicit conversations at Michael at literally any time of the day, the 3 AM Super Smash Bros. battles on a random Tuesday. All of this even before he’d stepped into the house that he’d come to know so well. It was weird, frightening almost.

But that melted away when he set up his room and finally got things unpacked. Once everything had its place once again, it felt normal again. It had taken him a week to do that, and the second he finished, Brooke texted the group chat and asked about having a get together while Jake was still in town on vacation before his job started back up again—owning two places as an independent student wasn’t practical, so he just chose to move to the town his college was in and get a job there. He’d only be in town for a week or two, so this event would be important. It would be the only time that the group would see him before their own semesters restarted in four months.

Within the hour, it’s decided: a bonfire in Brooke’s large country backyard. The weather was finally warm enough to actually enjoy Summer activities, rather than just dream about them in the middle of class—Brooke’s words, not his. But the ability to wear a t-shirt with no coat was definitely a liberating feeling. And so it was planned. The date was set, Jake was free, and Jeremy snapped back into reality as he looked around at the done-up backyard that Brooke obviously put time into.

He glances around at the golden lights above his head, the ones from Target that are as big as your fist. The department store called them “patio lights”, but Brooke had just strung them overhead on just part of her large yard, wrapping around beams, and making what would be soon twilight calming, despite the loudness of conversations and people. Within minutes after everyone arrived, the fire was started—safely—and the party officially started. Jeremy kicked the dirt and the lemonade in his cup swished before going back to its static state.

For the safety of everyone driving, Jake mainly, who’d have to drive two hours back the next day, no alcohol was served. It just made things easier for everyone, alcohol had too many reasons to it, too many bad memories, and was too social in such a way that if one person had a drink, it’d be awkward for everyone else and visa versa. But that didn’t mean there weren’t options. There was soda, lemonade, pink lemonade, juice, and water. Of course, you could also mix different drinks together to create something new, which apparently Rich liked to do, because that’s what Jeremy ended up with after he’d asked “can you get me something to drink?”

It wasn’t a bad taste, it was just different. He’d asked for no caffeine, shockingly, because it was late and he kinda wanted to sleep that night. And Rich had kept his promise not to do that. He wasn’t going to intentionally go against someone’s wishes for no reason—that was dick move he’d been done with for almost 2 years now.

A breeze goes by, and for the first time in months, it feels good. It’s a cool 65, warm enough to wear a t-shirt and jeans, but not get cold when the breeze does hit you. The sun continues to set and the area goes from the golden that Jeremy envied and avoided so much to the darker hues of blue around him. The lights in the larger country house go on, the little kitchen window overlooking the backyard now prominent against the forest behind the party. As Jeremy zones out of conversation, he can feel heat in his chest—he missed this. He’d missed his friends, missed the get togethers, and while he really loved having people on his college campus that didn’t know anything about his junior year, he liked having people that he could relate to. He liked having a support group that didn’t need words to operate, but knew just by your actions what was happening. He enjoyed the way that he relaxed around the group, the way that everything seemed to click. No one was alone in the group, unless that person asked to be alone. He liked it. College was spent alone usually, this was…nice was the best word he could come up with.

Daisy runs through the party and stops at Jeremy. He can’t help a smile as he leans down and pets the yellow lab, her face reflecting the smile. The dog pants and enjoys the pets she gets before dashing off to a new part of the yard, chasing or following or doing something sweet that big dogs do. His heart swelled as she did so. Jeremy wasn’t sure why, but big dogs had such a soft spot in his heart. With a fluid motion, Jeremy decides to actually socialize with the people around him. His lemonade concoction swishes as he walks, and he’s careful to not spill it on himself or onto the ground. Jeremy decides to join the group of Chloe and Jenna; it’d been a while since he spoke to either of them, probably since around the holidays.

He joins in at the seemingly wrong time: Jenna’s talking about her social work classes for her major and prelaw track. She’s smart, she’s confident, and the prelaw track was unexpected, but it suits her. The information she now stores in her head is to indefinitely help people instead of using it in the snake-like way she once did. While not the social butterfly in high school, Jenna sure seems to be one in college. Good for her.

There’s an exchange on conversation, shifting to Chloe’s interest in design. She’d been debating on which design for a while, but was now narrowed down to two different kinds: textile or interior. Jeremy was sure she’d choose interior. Chloe continued to talk on, but Jeremy couldn’t pay attention to her. The things she was saying were interesting, and he’d remember the silly facts later when talking to her. He knew how much Chloe loved to talk about design and creating—he’d get the spiel later.

No, instead, something felt off. There was something ominous about the Summertime for some reason. It felt like something was missing, like there was a loose connection somewhere. It had happened before, but nothing this strong, this out of place. It was that feeling you get when first starting a horror game. That edge, that something’s wrong but I don’t know what feeling. He kicks the dirt once again, lemonade drink clonking against the sides of the cup. This time, the drink doesn’t matter, the ground is just dirt, everything just felt like shapes. Fuck, maybe Night in the Woods had gotten to him too much. It wasn’t the same kind of shapes, though. It just…everything mattered to him, but the shapes persisted around him as the feeling kept haunting him.

As a distraction, he looks at the road and the neighbor’s house across the street. It’s a wooden house, and seems to only be stained and not painted. There are shutters, but Jeremy doesn’t notice them right away. It’s almost like a much larger version of a cottage in the woods. Instead, this is in an almost field area, out in the country but not owning any land for farming. It doesn’t matter. Jeremy can’t shake the feeling that there’s something odd. The air felt different, his mind is thinking about what that one thing is. He’s too distracted for a distraction.

Another breeze passes through, and Jeremy gets a chill this time as the leaves begin applauding the night. But instead of being set back into the present, Jeremy is escorted to the past. He can remember the wooden bench, the white paint, the architecture, the light in the octagon in the center of the roof, the that he—stop. It’s a command to himself. He can’t think about you. He can’t have the memories that include his senses happen here, not now. That would ruin the night, he’d have to go home, and not by himself. There’s no possible way to operate a car while his brain is giving him flashes, beautiful moments he’d shared with you—the way you’d clutched that coffee mug in the café, the way you’d been so afraid of everything, except, for the most part, him. The way you’d fallen asleep against the window of his car as he drove you home that first night, the Instagram posts, the moments of reluctancy, how everything came crashing down during one of the longest nights of Jeremy’s life. But he couldn’t start thinking about you now. He couldn’t think about the butterfly effect, the evidence that screams at him that you’re not okay or even worse.

Now is not the moment to think about that. Those times usually end in him playing the switch until 4 in the morning, trying to rid his head of you. All anyone had to do was ask Michael about it, he’d been the one to tell Jeremy to save for fuck’s sake and go to bed. Jeremy shakes his head of those thoughts, eyes searching for Michael around the yard, but fuck, he must be hallucinating because Michael isn’t anywhere to be found. Plan B: look for Rich.

But as soon as Jeremy’s eyes scan for Rich, he can’t spy that usually easy to spot red streak that Rich had kept so nicely. It was a trademark at this point, but not being able to find the trademark was terrifying. It was at this moment that Jeremy had to find someone who could just distract him until he could find one or both of them. And that’s when the conversation at hand seemed perfect for him. Jenna’s studies were interesting, an easy distraction was laid right in front of him. So he tuned in for a bit, but his brain was only retaining little information. The conversation had turned to white noise long ago, and his hand gripped the cup in his hand, knuckles turning white from forcing himself to attempt to be calm for just long enough to pass off that things were at least okay.

His eyes finally fix on the forest that surrounds the backyard, calming trees standing proudly against the golden light from the house and string lights above them. The yellowish glow gave the scene a heavenly glow. How ironic. As the darkness continued to seep into the area, the backs of the forest better fit Jeremy’s mood. On the surface, it was light, it was easy, like the beginning of Oxenfree. But underneath, everything felt dark, something was ominous, something was missing. With that thought, Jeremy realized just how destructive to himself he was being. This wasn’t the time to be thinking about you or trying to avoid thinking about you. Wikihow was right, he shouldn’t focus on forgetting you, he should just let things happen, let thoughts happen, and not dwell on them. It was easier to stop thinking about something when you aren’t trying to actively stop thinking about it. And the logic of it made sense, it’s just much easier said than done.

So his eyes refocus on the people around him, the sky, the idea of this chill party-turned bonfire and how nice it was to see everyone again. He thought about the moments before, the plans he had afterwards, but Michael had been weird about that. They usually played games after get togethers with all of their friends, but Michael had bailed this time, claiming that Jeremy probably wouldn’t want to. It was an odd excuse, and gave Jeremy that same feeling that he’d been feeling all night—and that was it. That was why everything was so odd, so weird, and of course reintegrating yourself back into your hometown is a weird feeling by itself, because again, Jeremy definitely felt like he’d moved. With a swish of his drink, Jeremy hears footsteps growing closer and the chain link fence to keep the dogs in click open.

With a quick assumption, Jeremy assumes that it’s just Jake or Rich or something coming back from getting more ice. It wasn’t warm, but the ice was melting like it was. He supposed that the breeze couldn’t cool it down—god that was a dumb joke. But it didn’t matter. He didn’t say it out loud. Jeremy blinks, and finally he’s able to focus on the conversation again.

But the minute that he’s ready to contribute to the conversation, Chloe and Jenna had backed away a little bit, sitting near the outskirts of the yard as they look at him. Jeremy gives a shrug, a confused look, before noticing that almost everyone had backed away from him and were talking quietly. He whips his head around and locks eyes with Christine. She smiles wide, wider than he’s seen all night, and she gives him a nod before taking another sip of whatever she’s drinking. Panic starts to spread around Jeremy, worried that this was a prank. Was someone about to spill water onto him? Where was Michael, and more importantly, where was Rich? Would they need Mountain Dew Red? Had things gotten bad again? Was that the reason behind the rude prank that he was sure was going to happen?

With another second, Jeremy spots the trademark; Rich’s red streak. He’s sipping his drink, almost trying to hide the large smile on his face. Now that Jeremy notices, everyone is following suit. They all have this playful look in their eyes, almost like he was again—about to be completely punk’d by Michael Mell himself. And then, almost all at once, everyone is telling him to turn around. But he’s not falling for that, he’s not falling for Michael standing right behind him to scare him. No way, not again. Finally, there’s a sound that Jeremy can hear.

“Jeremy?”

It’s from behind him, and he recognizes Michael’s voice. Tensing and almost preparing for the worst, Jeremy starts speaking, justifying his reasoning as he does so: “Michael, I swear to god if you’re—”

And then everything stops. Jeremy’s brain stopped functioning, worse than it had in months. His mouth hung open, drink dropped and now spilling onto the dirt. If it was seeping onto his shoes, Jeremy sure as hell didn’t notice. He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing as Michael stepped out of his line of sight. Jeremy can feel his mouth dry, his hands get sweaty, mind running fast enough that every motion that he’d done felt like a million years long. He wanted to say something, he prayed for something coherent and at least kind of smart to say, something that would be perfect, new, and beautiful. Something that captured everything that had been happening, but it didn’t matter. The silence was filled soon enough.

“Hey.”

It was you.

#Jeremy Heere x reader #jeremy heere imagine #bmc x reader #bmc imagine #be more chill x reader #be more chill imagine

[finding--cat]

hi cat!

long time silent reader here, but i’m breaking my pattern to tell you a couple of things that i’ve wanted to say for a long time but never worked up the courage to.

(1) i loved your work from the minute i started the first paragraph of AB on 1dff (RIP haha). i knew there was something special about it, but more importantly YOU and your exquisite writing style then. that being said

(2) i have also been enjoying the non AP/PP work you’ve publish since then - it has been just as much of a pleasure to read and i can’t thank you enough for giving us the opportunity to do it 

(3) i missed you as well as your work (mostly AB and PP and related writing) so much once you took a break. i know a lot of people who felt the same, but i completely understood why you had to leave and supported and Still do support you 100%. however, that didn’t stop me from missing fitz and harry, so i have to confess that i went to prowl the corners of the internet for other copies of it. and for that 

(4) i want to apologise. i think this is more for me than for you, if i’m being honest, but i am so ashamed at how disrespectful it was of me to go look for YOUr work posted illegally without your permission just so i could fulfil selfish desires to meet YOUR characters again, when illegal reposting was part of the reason you may have left. was like a year and a half ago but i still feel bad about it sometimes, and i dont know, this is getting kind of rambly but i just want to say that i’m so sorry that people are reposting your work without your permission but i’m even more sorry that people like me encouraged that behaviour by actively reading and commenting.

(5) i was looking at a masterlist of fic recs today and awkward beat was mentioned. being the nostalgic gal i am, opened up a new tab and looked it up, hoping to find drabbles that other writers had written about harry and fitz inspired by AB so i could go back to them, just for a little bit. however, to my surprise, the first result was a link to your story, being posted on wattpad. at first i was overjoyed, thinking that maybe you had made a comeback on another platform. (IMPORTANT TO NOTE: i didn’t know you were back on tumblr yet - i found that out later from someone elses’ post on tumblr that you were back with this account). being the stupid bitch i am, my first thought was “awkward beat is back!!!!! FUck yeah!!!” and i started reading it. but i stopped about 5 words into the first sentence because, right to the left of YOUR words, was ‘Awkward Beat {h.s} by girlpowered’. and that broke my heart and made me so mad because awkward beat was by cat and ilikeorangetoo and green & yellow but NOT girlpowered. and it’s not fucking fair. 

SO in conclusion, i dont really know why i wrote this essay to you. all i know is that you made a conscious decision for fitz and harry to take a break from the internet for a while, and they’re being given to us without your permission. and i would like nothing more to dig into that fic and read it again and again and again but not if it’s not from you. because loving your work isn’t an excuse to disrespect you and your wishes, and i have faith in the fact that things will all work out one day, and even if fitz and harry don’t ever come back to tumblr, it’s okay because at least you will be okay (i dont know if this makes sense, do you know what i mean??) because it was your decision and your perogative and your fitzandharry. but it’s not fair. so i mustered all the self control i had and stopped reading [even though i would literally give my left pinky toe to read the story again] and decided to report the story but more importantly to write this whatever-the-hecko-this-is to you.

i tried to report the story on wattpad, and it said only the owner could request the work be taken down. i’m sure you have already done this a countless number of times, but this version looks like it was published fairly recently? so i thought maybe you weren’t aware. if you already were then i’m sorry, because then this whole expose just gets a little awkward. but if you weren’t aware, then maybe this can be a sort of high five of support(???) or a lil reminder from someone who loves fitz and harry, but not more than they love you.

anyways, thank you for everything, and sorry again.

and i support you a lot!!! i know i’m a stranger and i’m not sure if it matters that much to you, but i think that spreading validation and good vibes can do a lot for people so. 

also i apologise if this was a lot to take in from someone you dont know at all? but…. i mean i dont know anymore. i hope it’s not bad and you’re not too offended and weirded out. 

alrighty then, i’ll see you around (my dash)

whiteboymacarena (my name is neha)

ps. this isn’t really something i want to submit [i mean it’s pretty obvious but still]. i just didn’t think i’d be able to split up 5 messages and send them to you :)

Neha. You sent this to me SO long ago, so first, I must apologize for taking so long to respond to you. To be honest, your message overwhelmed me. It’s always incredibly disappointing to hear that my work has been stolen and posted (or circulated) without my permission, and at this point it’s happened to me so many times that I’m completely exhausted. Hearing about it just makes me shut down. But with that said, I’m very appreciative that you came to me with the information and provided the link to the account (I took it out of your original submission). I always feel it’s best to speak to the person first, human to human - because I want people to know, from someone whose writing has been taken advantage of, that it’s not right and it’s a betrayal of trust that is so sacred in this, or any, online writing community. So I’ve messaged the account holder and I’ll hope that they have it in their heart to do the right thing and remove it. If not, I’ll report it. 

The second reason this message overwhelmed me was because you just GET IT. I don’t know if you’re a writer and if you’ve had any of your works pop up anywhere without your permission, but somehow you just get it. And I feel really emotional thinking that AB was something you really wanted to read again but you didn’t, because you knew it wasn’t there by the author’s choice. I can NOT explain in words how much that means to me, how much it HEALS me (sorry for being dramatic), because I feel like sometimes all I get to see is people saying “I’ll email it to you, I have the PDF!” and “I’ve posted it on wattpad so everyone can enjoy it!” and no one is asking themselves “Wait, should we think about why the author didn’t want it here in the first place?”. Reading this message reminded me time and time again (because I’ve read it several times) that there are such genuine people in the world who really do want to do right by others. Again, I know this is so dramatic because ok, it’s not world peace, it’s a piece of fan fiction. But sometimes I feel like I’m yelling until my voice gets hoarse and still people are trampling all over something I created, shared for free and respectfully decided to remove. So just knowing there was someone in my corner when I wasn’t there to defend myself means the absolute world to me. Thank you for being a friend. Much love to you. I hope you’re well.  

#submission #whiteboymacarena

[pebblysand]

On Children.

Last night, when I posted this - the last 15,000 of a 103,087 words journey - I promised myself I’d talk about it - write about it - later. After I’d slept, after I’d been to work, after I’d processed the thoughts in my head.

I barely slept. Shut the lights out at midnight, woke up at two, then at five and stayed awake after that. I’m usually a heavy sleeper. I think it was the adrenaline.

Today, I spent more time on tumblr and my personal email, anxiously refreshing pages for reviews and comments, than on actual work. I’ll admit it’s insecure and weak on my part, but I guess I am of a generation that is in constant need of validation.

I haven’t felt this happy and excited in a long time but let’s be real, I still haven’t processed shit. Who was I kidding? Maybe, it will help to write this out. I guess I am a writer, after all.

I write that (I’m a writer), and think that’s a weird word, all things considered. It refers to a profession but I’m not a professional, and it is still what I do - like to do - with the spare time that I have. You see, sometimes, I have ideas about things that could happen to people who aren’t real and when that happens, I type them out on a laptop and share them with strangers on the internet. It’s a bit of weird hobby, admittedly, but I like it. I’m okay at it. Sometimes, the thought even crosses my mind that I might be good. It mostly happens when I write things like this:

When she thinks about him, she thinks about them and all she sees is children. A boy and a girl and her pale skin against his cheek, pulling at each other’s hair, laughing, loud, like Nick and Niamh on court benches, school benches, and the autumn leaves scattered around their feet.

Or this:

It’s not homesickness, she thinks, it’s just moving on.

I look at those three sentences and I think (because yeah, let’s dive in, shall we? that’s enough of an introduction) that ultimately, this is what all this was about. Those 103,087 words. This fanfiction, as it is refered to, is called Children not because Martha gets pregnant at the end, but because it’s a coming of age story. A coming of age story that involves a couple of forty-somethings who have spent so much time over the last fifteen years working and helping other people grow that they’ve forgot to do it themselves. This fic is as much about the concept of home and career choices and Sean, than it is about Martha and Clive. And sure, it’s about me, too. Because let’s be real, maybe I was going through a bit of a similar thing, at the time I started writing this, and maybe I did Mary-Sue the heck out of it. Who knows?

What I do know, though, is that I love this story. So much. It feels important, and cool, and smart, and funny and the kind of tale that I like to tell. I also know that although I won’t bore you with the details, I wasn’t in great place, this time last year, when I started writing it. Thankfully, I am in a much, much better place now. I frankly thank Peter Moffat, Silk, and Martha and Clive for that. I think this story gave me room to grow, and focus, and believe in myself more than I ever had before. When I started writing it, it was a 10,000 words one-shot that involved Clive breaking into Martha’s flat through the window and a very early version of that last scene in chapter vii. It was cool, too, but not the story I needed to tell.

Then, chapter i came. Chapter i is crap, I know that. I made it a bit less crap by editing it sometime after I posted chapter ii but really, not by much. In its defense, it was written at a time when a) I hadn’t written a word in three years and b) I had no idea what this would all become. I think that when I first published it, I still thought the fic was going to be fifteen to twenty thousand words, two or three chapters at most.

For a very long time, I was terrified of not finishing this fic, actually. I had a lot of comments about that - understandable considering the sad amount of abandoned works on the Silk fandom - and it just made me more anxious very time. That fear did start to go away over time, but surprisingly late, probably around when I was writing chapter ix. Still, I think I still had remnants of that panic up until I actually wrote the words the end at 3 a.m. last Friday. It felt almost surprising that I had, indeed, finished. All the long projects that I’d started before, I’d abandoned, or gotten tired of. At the time, I held it against myself, but coming back to my earlier point, I’ve now realised that they just weren’t my story to tell.

Then, chapter ii came. I like chapter ii. It’s not perfect and would need to be worked on in a future edit, but I like its plot. I like what it says about the show, about Martha as a character and how she breaks down, how we all do, sometimes. It also says something about what often happens to women, sadly, when they do. 

I think this show is important and matters because to me, it talks about something that happens all the time in the legal world and that no show ever touches on. We show the courtrooms and the decorums and the ships, but not happens behind the scenes. Not what I’ve seen. The truth is that when you spend all your waking hours fighting other people’s fights, sometimes, you lose yourself. You breakdown. You burn-out. It’s sort of a premonition but Clive warns Martha about it in the first series, jokingly, sure, but he turns out to be right. That’s what I see in the last episode of series three. As much as I hated the whole courtroom and Micky Joy debacle there, I loved that storyline. I love that she just fucks off. That my ultimate head canon is that she moves to a beach somewhere and opens a café on the coast, pours expressos and chats up tourists all day. Maybe, there, she meets someone. Maybe, she even has a family. But in my head, Children is and always will be a very long AU.

In that AU, of course, she has to stay. And that’s what chapter ii is about, ultimately, about staying when you don’t want to, breaking down and dealing with the consequences. When you’re a woman and you fuck up a bit, the price to pay is sometimes, sadly, very high. So, I tried to show that to the best of my ability. I hope I did a decent job of it. Frankly, I’m not quite sure about how I dealt with the aftermath. I think if I went back and edited, I would probably allow the assault to be more of a recurrent theme in the following chapters. I sometimes wonder if I didn’t deal with it a bit too quickly. But then again, I guess every survivor is different, and there was also a lot to talk about in those next chapters, with Billy and Clive, and Chambers, so I’ll cut myself some slack.

Chapter iii is to me the moment when this fic found its tone and its voice. When Martha and Clive found their voices in my head, too. It was a very difficult chapter to write, I remember, but I think that’s when the fic went from being an extended one-shot to a full blown story, with a plot and character development, and thousands of words, and eleven chapters. That scene at Billy’s grave is one of my favourites.

The one that follows, chapter iv, wrote itself. I barely touched it. I love chapter iv. It’s funny and quirky, and everything I loved about writing those characters I was lucky enough to be able to borrow. I was very insecure about the explicit sex scene in it, but then I felt like that scene was necessary. Again, I didn’t want the only sex in this to be non-consensual. Most often, sex is pleasurable and fun, thank God.

I think when I look back, chapter v is the most personal of them all. Chapter v is what I meant when I said that this fic was about me. Jokes aside, I remember being very nervous about it, wondering if I wasn’t turning a wonderful fic into a horrible, Mary-Sue-d attempt at a diary of my own problems. But then, well, it’s also fiction. My fiction. Because in chapter v, aside from Martha and Bethany’s very short stint, all of the characters are OCs. There’s Martha’s mum (Maureen), and Jo, and Evershed, and Roy. Boy, do I love Roy. Roy is the amalgamation of every man every sixty-something woman in my life has remarried to. He’s not a bad person, he’s just very, very out of tune with current times. Evershed, I don’t have many feelings about. Martha just needed a sounding board. Martha’s mum was probably the hardest to write. She loves her, I think, but I also think they’re very different people. I think they’re linked by what happened to her dad and that sometimes, that gets a bit heavy. And Jo. God, I love Jo. She makes me laugh and sometimes, I wish she was my friend, too.

Again, I was nervous about chapter v and my characters, wondering if people would like them, would like what they said about Martha, about the concept of home, until someone said: "It's like you're writing my life and all the feelings I've had about home and the bar and superimposed Martha Costello on top". I think that’s one of the best comments I’ve ever had on anything I’ve ever written. So, I’m not naming you, you know who you are, and thank you.

Chapter vi was originally very, very long and was then split into vi and vii for readability purposes (I will split xi too, one day, I promise). Yet, in my head, they will always be paired up. 

As I’ve mentioned before, the contents of chapter vii, and especially that last scene with Clive when they decide to “try again”, had been in my head ever since I’d started writing this fic. It was always where this story was going to go and when I published it, it felt good to finally release that, to have it out in the world that yeah, this was going to be that kind of fic, with an argumentative, blond, blue-eyed baby being born the end. Although these two are probably the most important chapters in this fic, I oddly don’t have much to say about them. I guess everything is pretty spelled out in there. Clive and Martha are in love. And they’re going to try for a baby. When I split both chapters, I took the opportunity to put back into chapter vii a bit that I’d taken out in the original editing phase. It’s a scene in which Clive and Martha talk about her father’s disease and she mentions that she took a test, once upon a time (i.e. when she got pregnant), to know if she had it, but never read the results. It’s a letter in her handbag that she doesn’t want to open, but that he wants to read. I think more than the topic itself, it shows how much they love each other, and yet how different they are. Martha got to know about Billy’s health when, in fairness, I don’t think she ever wanted to know. I think she’s the kind of person who only likes to know about things she can deal with or solve. If not, she wants to know late enough so that she won’t have to think about it too much. She’s the kind of person who wouldn’t want to know if she had cancer. Clive does, though. He would have liked to know about Billy; I think it hurt him not to. He would have liked to be prepared.

In my canon, Clive reads that letter and never tells her what was in it. He vouches to keep it to himself, and he does. He likes that he knows, respects her decision not to. He would tell her, if she asked, but she never does. As the writer of this story, I personally don’t know what was on that letter, either. I’ve gone back and forth on it a few times and I really don’t know if she has it. She definitely thinks she does. I think that’s kind of where the smoking comes from. I think she sort of hopes it will kill her before she forgets that it will.

I kind of wish I had found a way to use all of that in later chapters but somehow, after that one, it just didn’t fit within the plot. Maybe it will upon further edits. I don’t know.

Now, chapter viii is cute. Like iv. Still, I wanted it to be mostly about her career and going back to work, rather than about her getting pregnant. I hope that it was. Chapter viii is also where the character of Charlotte makes her entrance and I really like her, I like that she both fits in (through her education, her parents) and doesn’t (through how odd and quirky she is). I think if Martha were to ever go back to work after everything that happened, it would be for someone like that. I like that she’s not Billy, too.

And of course, then, Martha gets pregnant, when she leasts expects it. Because, she had to. As a side note, I love the scene where she "tells" Billy. It feels like a full circle to me.

Circles are not necessarily good, though, are they? ix, oh ix. That, also, unfortunately had to happen. I think Martha and Clive had been very nicely playing house for a while but it just couldn’t go on forever. Mostly, I had to deal with Sean, though. Because Sean, oh, Sean, do I love Sean. Again, this fic, frankly, is almost as much about him and about what he represents (young love, home) than it is about Clive and what he represents. When I wrote chapter iii, I thought I was done with him but then again, when I wrote chapter iii, I didn’t know there would be nine chapters, did I? So, Martha, she couldn’t let go, could she? She had to close that door in order to open another one.  

ix was so hard to write. Mostly because I’m terrible at writing arguments. I had turn it all around for it to make more sense but I feel that somehow, it more or less worked. I guess, you tell me, though.

(As a side note, I kind of like CW’s role in it. She’s not a friend, but she’s not a stranger either. I think that ultimately, she kind of cares about Martha, for some reason. And I love that conversation between Martha and her mum at the end, almost teared up when I wrote it. Again, part of moving on and growing up.)

And then, comes x. It’s a bit of a filler, I’ll admit. A 10,000 words filler. I couldn’t see Clive and her get back together that easily, so things needed to happen in between. I decided those things were court scenes. I was so nervous about those. I’ll be honest and say I have no fucking clue about the UK’s appeals process and probably got it all wrong. I guess that’s the difference between me back when I was still in law school and me now. At the time, I would have done the research. Now, I just don’t care, as long as the drama’s good. If you’re from the UK and thought it was all wrong, my most sincere apologies.

Finally. xi. As I said in my A/N yesterday, there was supposed to be a xii, until two evenings ago, when I realized that there wasn’t. In fairness, I think I’d suspected it for a while. In my head, I’d always thought of xii as some sort of epilogue, with a mix of cute pregnant-Martha scenes and a bunch of more serious ones (the baby’s name, Clive’s priorities shifting). Then, at 3 a.m. on Friday, I understood that a bunch of scenes stuck together do not necessarily make for a coherent chapter. And that I hate epilogues anyway. Finish your bloody story and stick with it, I say. So, the important stuff made it into xi (Clive’s priorities shifting, the baby’s name) and the rest just went to trash. I’m happy with that. In an earlier draft of an outline for xii, I also had a scene about CW prosecuting Brown Hair in an assault case on someone else, but that felt a bit cheap and would have kind of taken away the point I wanted to make with ii, the fact that most of the time, sadly, there is no resolution to these things. So, yeah, I’m happy I didn’t write that in.

I guess I don’t know what I thought would happen when I wrote the words the end after of all this. I think I thought fireworks would be in order, and champagne. Instead, I was alone in my flat on a Friday night, drinking beer and thinking holy shit. I didn’t cry - still haven’t - but I’m not sure all of this has really sunk in, yet, so.

So, what does this all mean? Well, it means that I’ve written a story and finished it. Not a novel, sure, but a story nonetheless, with some characters that were mine and some that I borrowed and it had a beginning, a middle and an end. That feels great. Amazing, in fact, like the top of the world. And yes, in a few years, months maybe, even, I’ll probably look back at this post and think I was full of shit and full of myself. Right now, though, it feels good. I’ve motherfucking done this, you know?

And I acknowledge the fact that there’s still a lot of work to do. Because everything I’ve mentioned I want to make better, want to rewrite (like chapter i, ugh), I’ll do. I’ll let the fic sit, for a while, but I’ve planned to go back to it in a few months (August or September, give or take) and edit. Because frankly, although I love this story to bits, I also know it has flaws. For better or for worse, I’m a perfectionist at heart, so I want to make it the best it can be. That being said, I am very proud of this, nonetheless.

So, yeah, if you’re interested, maybe click again and go back to reading Children this time next year, it’ll probably have changed a bit. If not, that’s alright, please, just don’t hold chapter i against me.

Lastly, again, I’d like to repeat my thanks. To @missmarthacostello for early-fic chats. To @asummerevening for later-fic chats. To everyone who’s read, commented and PM-ed me over the last months and to everyone who will hopefully read and comment and message me in the future. I owe you many. Again, if you have prompts, requests, feel free to PM me, I’m happy to try my best. And lastly, again, thanks to the wonderful @cursedandcharmed without whom, honestly, this would not have seen the light of day. As I said in my A/N, you listened to me rant for a year about something you were not reading and that took place within the universe of a show you were not watching. I can’t thank you enough for that.

So, there. I hope this was somewhat coherent. I honestly tried, to the best of my ability. This fic has taken up so many weekends and hours of my life these past few months that I am unsure as to what comes next, and what one does with so much time on their hands. Again, though, I’ll probably look back at this in a bit and think I was full of shit, so, there’s that.

Thanks again and whoever you are, if you’ve stuck around this long, you have all my love and admiration.

Best,

pebblysand.

#children #silk bbc #the major post #thanks for reading

[toxicdogars]

Tumblr Meets D&D

Dokuro Homika

So. I like Pokemon. And I like D&D. Thing is, those two things don’t mix very well. Pokemon makes a very bad tabletop game, without having some structures in place to calculate the absurd amount of things required for something of that measure. I know there’s a few fan-made systems by I’ve tried them and they are a dumpsterfire to work with. So. I would like to introduce you to a new endeavor on this blog. I’m going to see what I can do to make a version of beloved Pokemon characters using all available material, both official books and UA articles, for Dungeons and Dragons 5e. Let’s start with my version of Homika, or rather Roxie from Black 2 and White 2.

Ability Scores

These ventures will use standard array, a set of numbers given as a sort of average stat pool. Feel free to roll for stats if you wanted to use this character, just treat this arrangement as a general order for what stats are most important. Just keep multiclass minimums in mind, since she’s gonna need it.

Strength: 8 (Not needed) Dexterity: 15 (Most important) Constitution: 12 (Wish I could put more, but others are needed more) Intelligence: 10 (Not really important, didn’t want it lower than Strength) Wisdom: 13 (Will get higher later, needed for multiclassing)  Charisma: 14 (Also useful, needed for multiclassing)

Race

Homika is a Human. I could have gone Lightfoot Halfling, playing up her short stature and giving her some extra luck and bonuses to Dexterity and Charisma, but there are other ways to give her those sorts of things. Variant Humans also get some snazzy bonuses. Put the two free points Variant Humans get into Dexterity and Wisdom to round those odd numbers up to evens. She also gets a base speed of 30 ft, a skill proficiency, and a free Feat. Let’s take Animal Handling, since she’s pretty good with the Pokemon around Virbank. And as for her Feat, she has those rollerblades in her boots, so how about Mobile?

Mobile: Your speed increases by 10 feet. When you use the Dash action, difficult terrain doesn't cost you extra movement on that turn. When you make a melee attack against a creature, you don't provoke opportunity attacks from that creature for the rest of the turn, whether you hit or not.

Class and Background

I know what you’re thinking. She plays the bass, she’s in a band. So she’s gotta be a Bard, right? Wrong! The one direction I took differently with my interpretation here is her ties to Koga and Janine’s (or rather Kyou and Anzu’s) family. Homika was trained as a ninja since an early age, so she starts with a different class. I considered Rogue, but the best way to make her really good with a pair of daggers is in fact... Monk.

Monks start with a d8 hit die (which isn’t terrible), proficiency in Strength and Dexterity saving throws, simple weapons, shortswords, and two skills from a short list. She’ll take Acrobatics and Stealth here, other things she needs she can get from other sources. She also gets proficiency with an instrument or an artisan tool, so here let’s take her lute. No bass guitars, so I figured this was the next best thing. 

As for her background, let’s reflect that early ninja training and give her proficiency in Perception, since she’d be pretty observant, and Persuasion, since she’s a little rascal who can get people to do what she wants. Since backgrounds can also give you tool proficiency, let’s take the poisoner’s kit to allude to her connection to Poison Type Pokemon. 

Since I don’t want this post to be massive, let’s summarize her leveling. Her first five levels will all go into Monk, giving her a number of features that let her become devastatingly brutal in combat even without a weapon. Martial Arts lets her punches and kicks do damage as well as improve the damage die of her daggers over time, Unarmored Defense and Unarmored Movement help her avoid attacks and move quickly respectively, and her Ki lets her do a whole heap of rad ninja things. Her character sheet, link below, will go into greater detail. She can also Deflect Missiles after hitting level three, where she also gets a chance to pick a Monastic Tradition. 

Know how I said I wasn’t going Bard? Well that’s kind of a lie. Since we’re injecting some Bard into this Monk with the Drunken Master tradition. She gets free proficiency in Performance and the ability to brew her own booze with the Brewer’s Supplies. I’d say any disciplined rock star can still fight at her best while sloshed to hell and back. She also gets an Ability Score Improvement at level four, which we’ll put the +2 into Dexterity, and Slow Fall, which lets her reduce falling damage. At level five, it’s Extra Attack and Stunning Strike. The former is obvious, it lets her slash with each dagger in her hands. The latter is also obvious, giving her hits a little more bite so she can stagger her foes more easily. 

So she’s got some training. How bout we start her music career? And for that, we’re going to go into Bard. Yes, I lied about that too. Multiclassing into Bard gives her light armor if she wanted it, but more importantly it gives her another skill proficiency, which we’ll take Athletics to help with her low Strength. With her first bard level she gets Bardic Inspiration, which she can give to her allies to bolster their rolls, as well as the ability to cast a few spells through the power of MUSIC. She starts with two cantrips and four first level spells from those in with bard list. First, the cantrips:

Minor Illusion: Gives her some weird ninja tricks. Vicious Mockery: Lets her weaponize her snark to deal psychic damage and make her enemies just a little bit less likely to smack her or her friends.

And the spells:

Thunderwave: Line your foes up and blast ‘em with the power of Rock. Even though your specialty is Poison. Animal Friendship: Will help you start to gather up some bestial allies. Charm Person: For when your persuasion ain’t enough, use magic. Hideous Laughter: Helps you stall your enemies, underestimatin’ you.

Now let’s take three more levels of Bard, bringing our girl up to Monk 5/Bard 4. These levels give her Song of Rest, a way to give her and her allies some extra healing during short rests, and Jack of All Trades, giving her a half-proficiency bonus to every ability check she isn’t proficient in, like Arcana or even Initiative rolls. It’s pretty good and one of the best parts of going Bard. She also gets some schooling at Bard 3, and let’s expand her view of the world with the College of Lore. Lore gives her a new way to abuse her Bardic Inspiration, using Cutting Words to weaken her foe’s dice rolls. The college also gives her three more skill proficiencies, which we’ll take in Medicine, Nature, and Survival to reflect her knowledge of poisons. It also compliments her Animal Handling, making her quite handy in the wilds. Speaking of which, this level also gives her Expertise, letting her double the proficiency bonuses for two of her skills- let’s make those Performance for obvious reasons and Nature for buffing her knowledge of plant-based poisons. Since there’s just so many Grass/Poison Types, right? These Bard level also give her three more spells and second level spell slots, so she can learn second level spells. Let’s take advantage of that.

See Invisibility: Synchronizes well with your ninja abilities, so she would be able to see what others can’t.  Locate Animals and Plants: Helps you find some creatures to use those nature-based skills on. Speak with Animals: Wouldn’t it be nice to talk with Pokemon? This was she can. Assuming they’re beast-like, I guess. Also meshes witht he other animal-based spells you got.

Oh, and Bard 4 gives her another Ability Score Improvement. Max that Dexterity at 20, and, speaking of Dexterity, I want better daggers, let’s go back to Monk for five more levels. 

These five levels will buff the damage die on her daggers, give her some movement options and the ability to redirect attacks with Tipsy Sway, as well as make her fists magical so she can punch all those nasty Steel Types that she mighta broken her hand on before. Level seven gives her Evasion, making it easier to avoid damage from those Dexterity save spells- which you also have a dang good save for anyway- as well as Stillness of Mind. Here’s the easy way to stave off the fear effects that Halflings would have had bonuses toward, but this also includes charm too. Level eight nets another Ability Score Increase, let’s dump that +2 in Wisdom to get a better Armor Class. 

And Monk 10 gives us the whole dang reason I went so deep into Monk- Purity of Body grants immunity to disease and poison, which includes both the poisoned condition and the poison damage type. Why is this crucial? Because it’s the skill Homika had to develop to be so close with her Poison Types like, Dogars, the ones constantly radiating toxic gas or sludge. Now at character level 14, let’s swing back to Bard for four more levels.

Bard 5 makes her Bardic Inspiration dice fresh on short rests, so she can play more concerts. Bard 6 gives her Countercharm, a way to give her allies a taste of being super awesome so they gain advantage on saves against being frightened or charmed. And because of our college, she gets a core Bard ability early, Early Magical Secrets. It lets her select two spells from any list, so let’s actually get some Pokemon on this Pokemon Trainer. With access to third level spells from Bard 5 onward and fourth level spells at Bard 7, she’s got some options. First, her Magical Secrets:

Fly: How could she not get her trusty Crobat to fly her places? Pass without Trace: A handy ability to make other people nearly as sneaky as her, and it could be flavored as a sort of arcane smokescreen, which ties in well with her Dogars. 

And for the other spells from her Bard levels:

Earth Tremor: A solid representation of her Scolipede’s Bulldoze move. Hold Person: It takes some flavor, but this could be a bunch of grasses and vines tying down a foe, a good example of Ruffresia’s Grass Knot.  Stinking Cloud: Took some time, but we have poison damage now with this stink cloud, which could be a great Sludge Bomb or Sludge Wave sorta thing, representing Dogars really well. Phantasmal Killer: And finally, a spell added to the Bard’s list from a recentish Class Feature Variant UA. This creates a nightmarish creature that spooks the heck outa your foes to murderify things. Sounds like a good Gangar substitute to me! And lines up with your other abilities pretty well.

Bard 8 also gives her another Ability Score Improvement, let’s dump that +2 into Charisma so she isn’t such a terrible Bard. 

And finally, two more levels in Monk to buff her Martial Arts one step further and give her a final Ability Score Improvement at Monk 12, so dump that in Wisdom to finally have a pretty dang respectable AC of 19. 

Final Thoughts

Monk 12/Bard 8 is a pretty solid combination. She doesn’t lose out on any ASIs, she has great damage with a capped Dexterity, varied ways of dealing damage with Bard spells, and spectacular team play with Bardic Inspiration. Not to mention fantastic utility with all her skills. 

Unfortunately, that usefulness came at a cost. Her hit points, taking the average, are well under 100 and fully capable of getting squooshed easily. Not to mention that neither her Wisdom nor her Charisma are capped, which weakens both her Ki saves and her Spell saves respectively. Having to focus on two mental stats makes her a little bit less effective at both of them. That said, this build works best as a sort of ambush tactic. Cast one of your ranged spells to lock down a foe, move in close to stabby-stab, and then duck out so you don’t get hit. Your movement speed is freakin’ 60, make use of that.

Here’s the character sheet I made with Dicecloud. 

Note: ASIs might be arranged differently, since the character sheets aren't always designed with the leveling path in mind.

#[Tumblr Meets D&D] #(Doin' something new)

[anxieteawitch-blog]

Newbie Devotee Challenge—Days 7, 8, and 9

Day 7: Discuss your UPG for your deity. What inspired those UPG? Afterwards, do a little research and try to find other popular UPG. Do you agree or disagree with that UPG, and why?

I’ll admit I sort of struggled with this question, since I feel like my UPG is still evolving. There are things I feel to be intrinsic truths about my experiences working with him, but that I haven’t been able to quantify yet.

I see a lot of discussion among other Lokeans as to what aspect he appears to them as, and for me, that hasn’t settled, and I kind of hope it never does. said: I talked a little bit about this earlier in the challenge, and he definitely first Appeared to me as the God of Broken Chains or the Worldbreaker, which is the opposite of a lot of other Lokeans whose stories I’ve read. I’ve ALSO gotten what people refer to as the childlike aspect or the raver, but he came to me as a god during a time when 1) I was most open to accepting him as a deity, 2) I was on an extremely self-destructive path and needed to change, so it makes sense that he’d open with “I AM A GOD”. As I’ve gotten more comfortable in my working relationship with him, and since I’m in less immediate danger (I hope) he has definitely seemed to show me more of his sense of humor.

I feel the place where I might diverge most from other Lokeans is my views on Ragnarok. I don’t see him as the Bound God or not bound so much as the God Who Was Bound. I read Ragnarok as a cycle or specifically as a metaphor for the Norse pantheon falling in power as Christianity swept through the continent. I see Ragnarok as something representative of the changes that are always happening in our world, small and large, and that there is always the risk of catastrophic or even world ending change. It happened, the gods were reborn/reformed, and it or something like it could happen again, but I don’t see it as this looming, inevitable thing.

Loki as a god who has suffered and validates suffering is important to me, but the idea of him presently bound is kind of too painful? As a survivor of abuse myself, I need to think he also has left his abuse in the past, and him bound RIGHT NOW isn’t consistent with the signs and visions I’ve had. Likewise, I think of Ragnarok as something that has already happened for the same reason.

However, I know he’s shown up in that aspect for others and it’s important to them, so ymmv.

I think he’s been present throughout my life as a joyful or comforting presence, or an illuminating one, but I wasn’t religious at the time and wasn’t aware of the possibility that those things could have been the work of a deity. I needed help, frequently, because of my background with abuse, so therefore the idea of him reaching out to and comforting abused children and survivors of abuse is something I see among others that also relates to my own experiences.

Also, I don’t know if this counts, but I saw it mentioned that Loki never had a hall, and modern devotees connect this to the idea of him as a god of wanderers. I still don’t know what my feelings are re: afterlife, but at this point I feel like I could do worse than wandering with one of my gods. Again, freedom is one thing that brought me to paganism, and Loki in particular, so that’s an aspect of UPG I share with some other folks.

Day 8: Describe what you have placed on your altar for this deity. If you don’t have an altar yet, discuss what you would put on the altar if you had one. Is there anything “missing” on your altar/are there items you wish you could add? What are they, and why do you want to add them?

*points to my banner on my Tumblr* it’s pretty small. It’s all contained on a plate, with a candle in the middle. It’s full of various pretty things. There are a few different kinds of gems and rocks. There’s a little metal wolf and a little metal salmon. There’s a blue bird’s feather I saw on a walk and he absolutely demanded I go back and get. I need it to look pretty low-key since I don’t live in a pagan household. Because his Broken Chains aspect is so important to me, I have a chain with a severed link.

He really seemed to like the first candle I burned regularly, but I haven’t been able to find it again, and I’ve had mixed results with the others.

I am expanding my altar a little bit. I got a small statue, and a large rainbow candle (yep, FINALLY CRACKED on that one). I don’t presently have an altar cloth, but don’t feel pressure to run out and get one. I would also like to have a place to specifically put offerings. I’d also like to get a box for a portable version of my altar to travel with (a pagan go-bag).

Day 9: Discuss your daily/weekly/monthly/etc. worship “schedule.” What do you do for your deity? What offerings do you give? How often do you pray? And so on. Are you happy with how much/little time you give your deity? If not, what could you do to change that?

I try to regularly do altar sessions. I did one every day for about a week when I first set up the altar, but let him know that I wouldn’t be able to keep up that level of involvement with my spoons being what they are (and I think he gets it). Also, I don’t live in a super candle friendly house, so the hours I can burn candles are sometimes limited (may get a tea light to make up for this a little bit). I try to do one thing that I sense he wants me to do about once a week. Volunteering with kids is one way I honor him. I do feel very connected to him when I’m out and about—when I’m walking in the woods or the park or it’s a little cold out.

This may seem paradoxical...but I also have been going to a very, very universalist church for Sunday services, but I kind of get the sense that it’s more Persephone who wants me to do that (I don’t consider myself a Christian pagan or witch, I don’t specifically work with Christ and the Christian God, although when I’m in a church I do honor and respect them). I am hungry to experience positive religious spaces, and the local pagan gatherings are few and far between. I get the sense all my gods are pushing me to do new things, and I do use my time in this extremely open religious space to ponder the nature of polytheism/the role of gods in my life now. Again, I can’t quite tell if it’s coming from more from Loki or Persephone, but I also think they want me to make peace with Christian tradition so I can let go of some of my old religious baggage.

I like playing multiplayer FPS games and tried to dedicate my competitive matches to him, but he didn’t seem too into it.

Another weird dedication/worship thing I do is actually exercise? In particular, I took up kickboxing. Physical might definitely seems more like a Thor or Freyja thing? But I think it comes from 1) his overall browbeating me into caring about my health, 2) his demand that I be READY. These are uncertain times, especially for LGBTQIA folks, and although he also asks me to avoid physical conflict if at all possible, one way I honor him is getting myself fit enough to survive/to act on my cunning should the need arise.

As for offerings, I sort of need to consume them since wasted food would not go unnoticed in my house. I saw the suggestion here a while ago to set aside a portion of a meal for your gods that you eat at the end, and I’ve been trying to do that at least once a day. I’m firmly in the spoonie pagan category where I do what I can even if it isn’t perfect or ideal, and he doesn’t seem to be responding too negatively so far.

#newbie devotee challenge #lokean

[littlehollyleaf]

Ask a writer!

tagged by @mysillylittlesoapbox (yes I do still write fic... sometimes :p I’m afraid it’s all Gotham now though!) ...I don’t usually do memes about my writing though so, this should be...interesting...

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

my name is holly, holly leaves are a thing, I wanted to just be ‘hollyleaf’ but it was already taken so I figured ‘well hey, I’m also small...’ and voila! (no, I’m so sorry, but the Warrior Cats series was not involved at any point, I still haven’t read them and only know a character has my username, or a version of it, because of all the asks I keep getting about it :P)

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/favorites, follows/subscriptions, visitor hits, kudos)

So I had a quick glance at AO3 and this is something it looks like WAAAAY too much effort for my lazy ass to figure out, plus I dunno how accurate the AO3 stats would be for my stuff anyways because I only very recently put all my fic on there after having most of it posted (and therefore commented on and otherwise interacted with) solely over at LJ for years and years...

I would imagine it’s Imitating Life (spn, deancas), because that’s the one I remember getting the most feedback for. So I’ll just go with that!

3. What is your FFnNet/AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

It’s the same as my tumblr one. Because it’s me and I already had the image saved in an appropriate size. I know, dull right?? (back on LJ I was OBSESSED with finding and/or creating SO MANY different icons to convey different moods and whatnot - they were basically an oldschool version of reaction gifs I guess - but on any other platform I’ve been just... meh about the icon thing... idk!)

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

@vampirebillionaire has been a regular for my Gotham stuff, notable for jumping ship with me into foxma :) (well not jumping... simultaneously enjoying :p), for which I am profoundly grateful xx but generally my fic style and content is a bit... eclectic I guess? so no, no one who is super regular

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

Of my own? Nah. Well... not AGAIN AND AGAIN like on the regular. I HAVE re-read my stuff OF COURSE :p But usually it’s me re-reading previous parts of a series/set to get the feel for the story/characters again as I write new stuff. Though admittedly I have re-read Imitating Life more than most probably, to check it still reads okay.

As to other authors’ fics - I must confess that I read less and less these days, so there is def not a single one I constantly return to.

I have, however, re-read a few by depthsofgreen since I got into Gotham, as well as some by rissalf and silentsinger

Back in the day there was this one spn last unicorn AU I used to re-read the night before each premiere, because it was a deliciously angsty way to get me in the mood for a new season and pass the time while waiting - particularly notable because AUs are not really my thing, so it was an interesting choice for me to keep returning to! Alas I have lost my link to it however :( Should anyone know the one I mean drop me a line! (Cas was the unicorn, obvs, Dean was the Prince, Sam was Schmendrick, Anna was Molly and Meg was Fortuna)

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

I have ONE (1) story bookmarked - because it is a WIP I am following (and I just learnt how to bookmark the other month)

...what even is subscribing and how is it different??

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

None at all if possible. Although most of my fics end up being Canon Divergent in the end ofc they are generally canon compliant (based on my interpretation of the canon anyways) at the time of writing... Sometimes canon changes things while I am in the middle of writing stuff though ofc (*shakes fist at Gotham right now*), in which case I will unavoidably be writing something knowingly Canon Divergent/What If.

(aside - I tried to write an spn x-men AU once, but I got bored very quickly... full on AUs are just not me!)

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

OH THERE’S A STATS PAGE?

*checks*

K - 34 subscribers and 423 bookmarks (whoa that seems a lot??)

hey there’s graphs and stuff with your top five fics based on hits too - that’s pretty cool - my top is in fact Holding On and Letting Go... probably because it was one of my last big spn fics and one of the first I published on AO3...

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

No... I mean... I don’t think so? If there ever has been it’s passed me by and I’ve forgotten about it.

...for a hot minute I was into Eddie/Isabella in Gotham, and that plot was ofc (understandably) received VERY POORLY by the fandom, so I may have at one point been hesitant to explore that idea (and the related Ozzie/Eddie/Izzy thoughts I had) because of that... but I never got as far as wanting to actually WRITE anything that I recall so... I guess not really?

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

There’s a couple of dumb little grammatical things I wish I was better at remembering - like when it’s ‘passed’ and when it’s ‘past’ or when it’s ‘effect’ and when it’s ‘affect.’ Because I forget and have to look it up Every.Damn.Time!

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

Well, the ship I’ve written most for is deancas - so it’s def ‘popular ships’ I write most! (though I would like to point out that it WASN’T ONE when I STARTED :p). 

I’m not opposed to writing rarepairs as well however (she says, in the middle of a huge Gotham rarepair series!). I just write... whatever I’m enjoying most at the time.

12. How many stories have you posted on FFNet/AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

I’ve got 39 works up on AO3. Never published on FFNet. Probably got a few little things that I’ve only ever published on tumblr (like my cracky spn/WtNV crossover :p), so total number published across the board is more like 40ish...

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

(not counting the abandoned spn x-men AU that will remain forever unfinished) Just one. I CANNOT work on more than one fic at a time.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

In my head (my stories are never especially complex after all). Once I’m stuck into a fic though I do tend to start creating bullet points below the main text of certain things that are coming next - like specific lines or phrases/metaphors I might think up as I go that I want to make sure I include, or the order of certain scenes if there is a series of short ones on the way, or sometimes points with question marks if I haven’t quite decided on something (eg. ‘have Eddie take his hat off here or wait until Ozzie smiles at him?’ that kind of thing...)

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

No. I came CLOSE to co-writing a DCBB with the lovely @takadainmate YEARS AGO but we never quite made it work (I got a distracted by involving Balthazar in a subplot and went on my own tangent, we had trouble even getting together to discuss it, the deadline started looming and eventually we wisely close to call it a day!). 

For a while there were VAGUE murmurings about returning to the idea... but the plot involved Dean and Cas getting trapped together in Purgatory you see aND THEN SEASON 8 HAPPENED!! So we decided to let canon run with it instead :P

16. How did you discover FFNet/AO3?

While I don’t use FFNet and don’t even read stuff there now, I did used to read fics on it early on. I discovered it while searching for info on my very first TV obsession Due South and was DELIGHTED to find a place full of stories about this thing I loved but had no new content for at the time :)

AO3 I remember being talked about and used a little by my LJ crowd, which is how I heard of it. I didn’t start using it myself until recently when I realised it had very much become the go-to hosting site used by tumblr fic writers.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on FFNet/AO3?

Nah.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

...my personal readers? As in, not the general name for the various fandoms (like ‘spn family’ or ‘Gotham fam’), but for the people who read my fic specifically?

No... that seems... weird...?

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

Actually... no... no one specific. Just... reading lots of fiction by lots of different writers, fic writers included, is what inspired/encouraged me to take a crack at it myself I suppose.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Do not listen to me!

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

Um... both I suppose. Only... my plotting isn’t really... plotting. 

Because I just... daydream, you know? And after a bit I’ll realise that I’m coming back to one particular daydream more often than another. And adding to it. And adding to it. Until I’ve got something at least vaguely coherent. At which point I make a decision as to whether I like the scenario enough to write it down or not and if I do, well, it’s already pretty much there and fully formed in my head, so no additional ‘plotting’ necessary (just the ironing out and researching of a few details).

But while I’m daydreaming... well that’s me ‘figuring it out as I go’ I guess.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

My first foray into writing fic was with a Clex re-write of S05 Smallville. It ended up being a sprawling, much too ambitious multi-chapter thing I had no hope of ever finishing. But hey, it kept me out of trouble :p 

Anyways, I was part of a sci-fi society at Uni at the time I was writing and each of us in the group developed these different fictional versions of ourselves over the course of our time together... because we were a sci-fi society and it was fun! And I thought it would be a laugh if, for one chapter, I put all of us into my SV fic. So I did (I made us all kryptonite infected characters who lived at Lex’s secret 33.1 facility - if any SV fans are reading) and prefaced the chapter with some disclaimer about how I was sorry if this part was a bit too self indulgent or ‘mary-sue’ or whatever, but that I couldn’t resist doing it for my friends, and that things would get back to normal next chapter.

And generally it was fine - I didn’t have many readers anyway :p 

But long LONG after the fact, when I had written many other chapters since, I got a comment on this one chapter from someone saying that they felt my self-insert characters came across as too obviously self indulgent and were unnecessary and that I shouldn’t have written them in.

And you know, it was a fair call. But since I’d actually prefaced the chapter with myself saying that’s EXACTLY what they were, it seemed a bit odd to me that this person would bother making a point of the issue. And to compound confusion - this person had actually already commented POSITIVELY on the chapter when I first posted it, so their comment read something like ‘I’ve been re-reading this and on consideration ACTUALLY I think you should know that...’

So... that was a bit odd. Not really bad, but notable enough that it’s stayed with me! Since I was many many chapters along in the story at that point though it was easy enough to just nod and shrug and move on.

I’m lucky in that I’ve never received any actual scathing or horribly negative comments otherwise. I like to think I’d be thoughtful and philosophical about any serious criticism I might receive...

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

Hmmm. Exposition probably. My focus is typically on a character’s emotion at any given time, but when the only thing happening is characters discussing what’s happening and when and why there’s not exactly much strong emotion involved you know? So I struggle, because it’s boring to write and I constantly fear I’m not describing/depicting it in a way that is interesting to the reader and blah blah.

(part of the reason I don’t often write complex stories anymore perhaps - less narrative means less exposition!)

(smut used to be hard... now it is less so... though that doesn’t mean I think I’m good at it now! I don’t think I’ll ever shake the fear that my smut is actually cringe-worthy...) 

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Just The Fox and the Scorpion :)

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

No. Like I say above - I CANNOT work on more than one fic at a time. How do people do that??? I bow to you all!

I have in the past paused in the middle of longer spn fics (like my DCBBs) to knock out some quick ‘finished in the span of an evening’ FICLETS, usually in response to specific happenings in canon (like when Gabriel died and I just HAD to type something up as an outlet). But I don’t think that’s really quite what this question means? Because those aren’t projects OR stories, they are just... SCENES, you know? Also - I haven’t written a ficlet in FOREVER, so I’m not even sure I could do it anymore...

Having said this - I DO CONSTANTLY DAYDREAM. Which involves daydreaming multiple scenarios not exclusive to whatever fic I’m in the middle of. Some of which may well end up being part of the next fic I end up writing. But that’s hardly ‘planning’ I think? Because at that stage of things I’ll have no desire to make what I’m dreaming part of an actual story/fic.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

Nah. I just write when I feel like it and keep going until I’m done.

If I’m writing for a challenge this changes ofc, because DEADLINES. So sometimes I’ve had to set goals because of that - usually it’s something vague though, like ‘you need to get to this point in the plot by tomorrow night Holly, come on!’ Nothing so regimented as a specific amount of time and/or words every day.

...generally when I’m in the middle of a fic I end up in a kind of... idk, natural momentum that pulls me on? Like there’s this constant FEELING in the back of my mind urging me to get back to the story. And not in a nagging guilt kind of way, in a ‘this is what I WANT to be doing right now’ kind of way.

Not that I end up easily writing every time I get back to the fic or anything! Sometimes I’ll get back to the page and just... be stuck, find I’m not in the mood or can’t think of the words or whatever. Which is frustrating because I still have that feeling of WANTING to continue the story, but I’ll know that I’m not in the right frame of mind so have to leave it for a bit (which can be anywhere from a few hours to a week). Generally the pull to keep writing draws me back in eventually though. 

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Goodness yes. I think if you’re writing regularly you’re just ALWAYS improving, aren’t you? Naturally my fic today is better than my first attempts, but likewise I think some of my Gotham fics are better than my spn fics in some parts. It’s a constant process isn’t it?

28. What is your favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

Imitating Life remains one of the fics I’m most proud of. Not only did the main story hold up well AND stick to overall canon (when it comes to Dean and Cas at least), so I think anyways, I also wove in a couple of subplots I very much enjoyed seeing through to the end. PLUS I really enjoyed all the meta nonsense, including messing about with the format to make it like look (a little bit) like a screenplay. So yes, that one will always hold a dear place in my heart :)

For Gotham I don’t think I’m ever gonna do better than We Are What We Are tbh

29. What is your least favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

Generally unimpressed by ALL my SV fic now. And considering I spent SO MANY HOURS/DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS/YEARS of my life on it all I kinda feel like I should feel bad about that but... you know I really don’t? Because if it wasn’t for all the time and effort (and love and fun) I put into those not very good stories, I wouldn’t be enjoying the work I’m proud of and writing today. So *shrug emoji* 

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

5 whole years? Tbh I rather think I’ll have stopped writing by then. I’ve been winding down when it comes to fic for a LONG TIME now and writing for Gotham feels very much like a minor, brief resurgence of the hobby. Currently planning on calling it a day once I’ve finished Fox and Scorpion in fact.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

The part that doesn’t involve writing.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Trying not to be repetitive.

Have I started a paragraph with this character’s name too many times in a row? Am I using ‘furrowed brow’/’bites lip’/’narrows eyes’/’insert stock descriptive phrase here’ too often? Did I use this phrase already or was that in another fic or in the book I was just reading? Is there too much alliteration in this sentence?  - to name but a few of the questions that inevitably pop up related to my paranoia about repetition.

33. Why do you write?

Because I’m insatiable and the stories onscreen aren’t enough for me. 

...well that was exhaustingly introspective so I’m way too tired to tag! Interesting one though, made me think! (and taught me some stuff about AO3 :p)

#meme #about me

[shimmy-sham-with-the-fam]

Here’s the prologue!

Previous Next

Alrighty! Sorry it took me so long to link this to my tumblr! :(

But the next chapter for Hunting X For X Bruises is up on AO3!!!

As always, please enjoy!

Rate: T

Words:2013

Summary:  An AU where the bruises and cuts of a soulmate appear on the skin. Gon becomes increasingly worried about his soulmate as he gets tattooed with new marks everyday, and hopes to find the person soon. Killua, on the other hand, has been brainwashed by his family to believe that the spots on his skin are a curse from the person who plans to target and kill him, as they believe learning about a soulmate would make him soft during jobs.

Killua had become progressively more annoyed at the previous event. The mysterious red headed man that had jumped ahead of him still fresh in his mind despite the fact that it had happened well over half a day ago. There was an aggressive speed that Killua forced his skateboard to roll, passing tree after tree in a blur. He wished he hadn't gobbled down all those chocorobos so quickly; eating chocolate would at least calm him down a bit. He sighed audibly. ‘What a jerk…’ his mind kept repeating that one line multiple times in his head. It was stupid really, and he knew that he shouldn’t be as angry as he was; it had made his access into the exam even easier. But still, the twelve year old couldn’t help but keep a bad taste in his mouth every time he thought of the less than endearing male. He had realized that the reason why he was so bitter was that there was a possibility that they would have to meet again. After all, the guy was on his way to take the exam as well. And the fact that he had snuck up on Killua made him bite his own cheek. He wasn’t as bitter when the scruffy dog man had snuck up on him, mostly because that particular guy wasn’t dangerous as far as he could tell. Also, Killua had an excuse; he had been asleep. But Killua was fully awake and attentive when the second man appeared. This factor was what made Killua cringe the most.

Killua spent another hour swirling conflict in his mind before it was cut off by a high pitched scream. Conveniently, the scream seemed to have come from the cabin that perched at the farthest distance of his eye sight. His feet kicked the board into his hand as he silently paced to the cabin. He ducked his head down so that he was not visible from the square window at the front of the wooden building. The door, he noticed, was cracked open a considerable amount and inviting to any intruders. Whoever was in there obviously had no qualms about breaking and entering. The assassin boy slowly maneuvered his body to peak behind the doorway. He could see a giant body hunched over itself. It definitely wasn't human; more so it was a beastly body. There was a dirty gold color that reflected off the fur that covered its body. The silver haired child inched slowly into the room, careful to not step on a creaking plank of wood. His toes stayed light, placing almost no weight just as he had been taught to do since he learned to walk. As he snuck up to the creature, his eyes glanced at a pair of human legs that laid in front of it. He couldn’t see the rest of the body, as it was covered from sight by the intruder. Once Killua was close enough behind the giant being, he took action. His legs bent, building up the strength within his calves. He pushed down on the ground, pouncing on the back of the beast and wrapped his arms around it’s neck. Once he had a tight grip, he pulled the beast down, pinning it to the ground with ease. He found that there was a woman caught in it’s hands. When it had been forced violently to the ground, it loosened the grip that each of the three taloned hands had around her tiny neck. “Wait!” The beast squealed out desperately as sharpened nails flashed before its eyes. Killua stopped his attack, but still kept his elongated claws aimed for the throat of the beast. “You can talk.” Killua had spoken plainly, but he was still quite surprised. This time, he took the chance to analyze the face of the weird creature. It was almost like a giant rabbit-dog hybrid. It had a long snout protruding out from the face. At the top of the head perched two long ears, giving the bunny like features. The most defining look, Killua noticed, were the upwards slanted eyes that the beast possessed. Despite the eyes appearing to be full of tricks, the creature actually was quite terrified. “Don’t kill him!” the human woman had protested out to Killua. His eyebrows scrunched in confusion. This creature was just trying to kill her not even a split second ago. Why was she telling him not to kill it? “It was just trying to kill you.” He reminded, refusing to let his grip soften. “It’s just a test!” The creature answered quickly. “A test? For the hunter exam?” Killua raised an eyebrow this time. “Yes! For the hunter exam!” the female called out desperately. He peeled himself off after the confirmation. “Care to explain?” Killua’s voice was a bit agitated. “We are a family of shapeshifters called koriko,” the male body that laid on the floor sat himself up, revealing that he was not dead nor injured. “We test the skills of exam registrants and navigate them to the hunter exam location.” He almost sounded amused. Killua wasn't quite sure why. “I'd say he more than qualifies!” The shifted koriko rubbed his neck, relieved it was still intact. He was far too close to losing his head. “Yes, indeed,” the female sighed out. “I don't think anyone has been that quiet before. And you're quite young as well. You must have gone through some rigorous training!” The young assassin puffed his chest proudly. It had been a while since he had been given praise for his skills. The complement definitely boosted his pride! “Yeah, it was no big deal!” His nose stuck triumphantly into the air. “Well, it's still quite early for us to take you to the exam. There's still a whole ‘nother day-” “I'd like to go now!” Killua jumped. He quickly came to the realization that he was entirely too excited. “I mean, if that's okay with you, I’d like to go now.” “I don't see why not,” the red headed woman looked at her male partner. “Brother, would you like me to take him?” “Sure, I'll take the next group.”

The location was… different from what Killua had imagined. Compared to the proud building next to it, the restaurant next to it seemed minuscule and almost invisible. Killua was almost a little disappointed that he didn't get to experience bigger building, but he understood why they concealed the exam within the eatery. No one could just find their way to the exam by themselves; which kept out unwanted guests. Once inside, the woman spoke out an order, which Killua could tell was only meant as a secret password. They were directed to a back room with a large, circular table in the middle. It was not set for eating at; no plates and no silverware. A quick “good luck" was passed his way, and just like that, he was on his own again. Killua was not surprised when he felt the ground below him shake and the room felt as if it was descending into the ground. ‘An elevator. Clever.’ Killua gave kudos to the exam planners. The praise, however, quickly turned into criticism. His journey to the exam had been easy; far too easy. The trials were hardly a challenge. Everything had happened so quickly, he was almost afraid that the exam wouldn't even be fun. Killua shoved his hands into pockets while aimlessly balancing his foot on the lifted portion of his skateboard. He'd place pressure on it to send it on two wheels before releasing it back onto all fours. Over and over, he continued this thoughtless process, waiting for the elevator to reveal the exam. He wondered if he was the first one there. After All, he was a whole day early. It'd be pretty exciting if he was the first to arrive! He'd have amazing bragging rights! Also, he'd be able to prove that the exam was so easy, even a young teen like him could pass it with flying colors. All those adults who couldn't pass it would be proven weak and irrelevant. The door finally creaked open, revealing a large, dark room. A few lights illuminated the place, but not by much. The room almost reminded the teen of a cleaner, dry version of the insides of a city sewer. Much to Killua’s disappointment, other souls had beaten him to the exam. Many looked to be normal people; standing around and conversing amongst themselves. Some had weapons attached to their bodies. Others came completely empty handed. The room probably had close to a hundred occupants. It was still early, so there were bound to be a flourish of potential hunters coming within the following hours. Killua was greeted by a small green headed person in a well displayed suit. “Hello! Please take a number!” He handed Killua a small badge that read the number “99” on it. It was an appropriate assumption that it meant he was the ninety ninth person to arrive. “Thanks.” He mumbled and passed the small person on his skateboard.

A few hours had passed, in which Killua had spent it skating around aimlessly. A few people had glared at him, others paid no mind to him. It seemed some of them were sizing him up. Seeing as how he was a teen, and in the early years at that, many were probably surprised he had been able to get to the exam. He was almost tempted to approach someone and make small talk. Then he started thinking about playing a truck on someone to lighten his mood. That thought completely died out when he spotted the red haired man that had gone ahead of Killua when approached by the old riddle lady. Killua didn't feel like causing a problem that would somehow get that weird, twisted grin involved. It would be another two hours before he would have an interaction with someone. And that someone was a very heavy set man; #16, Tonpa. Tonpa had introduced himself kindly to Killua, and had named off a few contestants who had taken the exam before and those who were new and had any significant traits. The only one Killua was really interested in finding out about what was the strangely clad man with a number 44 attached to his shirt. Tonpa had said his that his name is Hisoka, and that the magician had taken the exam last year but failed because of an attempt to kill an examiner. This confirmed Killua’s ongoing suspicions; Hisoka was a dangerous person and he should do everything within his power to stay far away from him. After introductions, Tonpa presented two orange cans. “Here!” Tonpa passed one to Killua. The offer was taken instantaneously. “A toast to good luck on this year's exam!” The large brunette man chimed. “Thanks!” Killua grinned happily. As Killua tipped his head back, a dreadfully familiar taste entered his mouth. While it was a masked flavor, it was most definitely present. It was a kind of poison, and while it wouldn't kill, it would definitely leave a person’s bowel movements flowing strongly. ‘Laxative,’ Killua identified to himself. It was one of the many drugs and poisons he had been subjected in his early years of assassin training. This Tonpa man was trying to get him out the race far before it even started. The slanted eyes that Killua possessed glittered mischievously. He released the can from his lips and sighed as if he had been quenched of his thirst. “Wow, that's really good juice! Would you mind if I take another one after I finish this one?” He asked excitedly. “Sure!” The heavy set male almost stuttered. Killua grinned. He'd have a few hours of fun messing with the older male. He could only imagine the expression of a man who thought he'd poison a child. But joke’s on him; Killua was immune to almost all existing poisons. A laxative, no matter how powerful, would not wave Killua out of the exam.

#Hunting X For X Bruises #You X Can't Poison X Me #Next is gonna catch up on Gon #Killugon #Kirugon #Gonkiru #Gonkillu #fanfic #fanfiction

[neon-skies95]

Tagged by @sketchesanddoodlesandthings​

So I’ll tag @artimus-maora​, @spaceferrari​, and @141-point-12​. Do what you will.

Favorite Place: My bed. It’s warm and will never harm me.

Relationship Status: Single. 

Favorite Color: Orange,

Pets: Currently deceased.

Last song I listened to: Keep on Loving you by REO Speedwagon

Favorite TV show: That’s a good question... Generally when I watch something, I rarely re-watch it. I guess Courage the Cowardly Dog then, that’s the one I re-watch the most.

First Fandom: Power Puff Girls and Barbie. That was in the old-time when I was a wee bab.

Hobbies: Playing video games, watching anime and cartoons. It used to be drawing, but that’s kind of my job now.

Books I’m currently Reading: Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Also slowly making my way through Les Miserables by Victor Hugo.

Favorite book: Phoenix: Future by Osamu Tezuka

Name: Mia

Nickname: just use shortened version of my URL, neon. the internet using my real name just feels weird.

Sign: Scorpio.

Height: 5′1″

Sexual Orientation: Asexual

Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw. 

Favorite animal: Echidnas. They don’t have boobs so they lactate out their pores. They’re the raddest.

Time right now: 10:10 am.

Average hours of sleep: fuk

Cat or dog person: Dog. If I touch a cat, my throat closes and I run the risk of dying.

Favorite fictional character from Harry Potter: Norbert

Number of blankets you sleep with: ∞

Favorite singer or band: The Protomen. u thought echidnas were the raddest thing holy shit these wonderful ppl are 10x as rad

Dream trip: Tour of Japan. Just roughly half a year to explore the whole country. Learn some shit, buy some shit. The works.

Dream job: Character design for a video game company. I’m currently a level designer and concept artist for video game courses, so I’m getting there.

When was this blog created: long-ass fucking time ago when i was young and dreamed of glory

When did your blog reach its peak: haha wat the fuk is that?

What made you decide to make a tumblr: Most of the links to my OTPs traced back to tumblr and I had some friends already on it, so I figured I’d jump on the bandwagon.

5 things you’ll find in my bag: My laptop, at least 2 different chargers, my tablet, some pencils (most broken), and headphones.

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom: There is no bedroom, only plush toys.

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in life: Sleep all day, play all night, travel the world, learn at least one new language, and be productive. Some of these things contradict the others on this list...

5 things that make me happy: Cartoons, sleeping, plush toys, the cheesiest of music, and good scenery.

5 things I’m currently into: Pokemon, Sherlock Holmes, Transformers, Metal Gear, and sleeping

5 things on my to-do list: Required reading, meetings, finish MGSV, finish Birth by Sleep, speaking of sleep...

5 things people may not know about me: I’m a huge history buff and I like to learn as much as I can about history from different points of view. There are about 4 boxes of plush toys in my permanent home and at least 1 more still in the basement. I was a “Sherlockian” before the BBC show came out, and to this day I still prefer the Granada series. I started my love of Transformers and Pokemon roughly around the same time, and they’ve stuck ever since. Speaking of which, I have 2 other blogs: @thatcleffa (Pokemon) and @djblasterblastinrightatya (Transformers, but also just robots in general).

Rules: Put your music on “Shuffle” List the first 10 songs

(most of my music comes from Spotify, so I’ll just use my biggest playlist and go from there)

1: Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf

2: Live & Learn: Crush 40

3: Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler

4: Science Fiction/Double Feature - Richard O’Brien/Rocky Horror Picture Show

5: The Stand (Man or Machine) - The Protomen

6: December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) - Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

7: The Trooper - The Protomen (it’s a cover of the original)

8: Flash - The Protomen (also a cover)

9: Opening Ceremony - Bjorn Skifs/Chess

10: Shia LaBeouf Live (Actual Cannibal Shia Labeouf) - Rob Cantor

A - Age: 21

B - Biggest fear: My home going up in flames. C - Current time: 10:45 am. Time flies. D - Drink you last had: Water. Gotta stay hydrated. E - Every day starts with: reluctance F - Favorite song:  Will of the One by The Protomen G - Ghosts, are they real: i mean, they could be H - Hometown: Michigan. That’s a state not a town, but you get the idea. I - In love with: my bed. my one true love. J - Jealous of: Those who can actually draw. Also those who can pet cats. Please stop teasing me for my inability to touch cats. It’s a dick move. K - Killed someone: ur a nosy one arent ya? L - Last time you cried: like, last week. maybe last night. M - Middle name: Frances. N - Number of siblings: 1. Younger brother. O - One wish: infinite wishes. then i can do whatever. P - Person you last called/texted: My future Dungeon Master. We’re starting a one-off campaign this Friday. Q - Questions you’re always asked: Is it Mia or Maya? (when the fuck has it ever pronounced Maya???) R - Reasons to smile: my bed. it’s waiting for me. im coming my darling, just a few more hours...! S - Song last played: Keep on Loving You - REO Speedwagon T - Time you woke up: 8:00 am. Wasn’t technically awake until 8:05 am. U - Underwear color: They have the Avengers on them. V- Vacation destination: This Spring break I’m going to LA! Mostly for business reasons, but it sounds like it’ll be a lot of fun, too! W - Worst habit: I bite the inside of my lip a lot, and I grind my teeth and generally don’t realize it until my jaw hurts or my head aches. The latter is reason for most of my dental issues.

X - X-rays you’ve had: Mouth and arms, and one time my leg.

Y - Your favorite food: I can’t really choose one because if I eat too much of one thing I get sick of it. Oreos, Nutella, and lava cake are currently at the top there.

Z - Zodiac sign: Scorpio.

1. What can’t you sleep without? I sleep a lot easier with at least one plush to hug. 2. What are your favorite kind of socks? I have one pair with cute little Pikachus all over them and another pair with cute little sheep all over them. I try not to wear them when I have to walk a lot so they don’t get holes. 3. What’s your favorite snack/meal/drink? I really like soup... like a lot. Especially if there’s a lot of noodles and meat. It’s generally my go-to if I need a pick-me-up or can’t find anything appetizing on a menu. 4. What’s your favorite kind of weather? Sunny and warm with a hint of a breeze. 5. What do you like to listen to/do to relax and feel better when you’re upset? Get something warm (like soup), and get cuddly in bed with my plushies. Also some Youtube. 6. What’s your favorite store to shop at? Book stores. 7. What color do you wear the most? Red and occasionally dark green. And a surprisingly large amount of black. 8. What’s your favorite (video/board/social/party) game to play? Pokemon.  9. Any guilty pleasures? “One Night in Bangkok”. The song is from the concept album/play Chess, and the song is about an American chess player being a douche in Bangkok. I don’t think we’re supposed to sympathize with him, but it can be pretty cringe-y. It’s very catchy and it’s terrible. 10. If you could go anywhere (in real life or in fiction), where would it be? It would be so rad to go to Destiny Islands from Kingdom Hearts. Preferably as a kid. idk, my current age on an island of kids would be weird.

#neon finally speaks #oh look ive been tagged