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thosehallowedhalls · 3 months

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Home Without, Part 4

Book: Crimes of Passion

Pairing: M!Trystan Thorne x Emma Rose (F!MC)

Rating: Teen

Word count: ~2000

Summary: Trystan and Emma have cut off all contact. Will they finally move on?

A/N: We've made it to the final part! I hope it does justice to the previous three. Thank you all for following Trystan and Emma on this little adventure. They only needed a little competency to unlock this AU 🤭

Submission for @choicesmonthlychallenge, prompt: I never thought I'd see you again. @choicesficwriterscreations

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And then she does what she should have done from the beginning: she blocks his number.

This whole debacle has made one thing abundantly clear: she can’t move on if the temptation to contact him is always there. And she thinks the same applies to him. So really, she’s doing them both a favor.

Which is not to say it doesn’t hurt like hell.

But she doesn’t cry. She won’t let herself cry. Trystan was always going to marry royalty. At the very least, an aristocrat like Juliana. Isn’t that why she ended their relationship in the first place? Still, she might as well have stayed in Drakovia for all the distance she put between them over the past two months. She only has herself to blame for where she is now.

Never too late to rectify things, she decides, ignoring the little voice in her heart that whispers it won’t be so easy as all that.

If she thought that Trystan’s name and face were everywhere upon his recoronation, it’s nothing compared to what an all but confirmed royal engagement does. A handsome prince and a beautiful princess are tabloid catnip, especially with Trystan’s storied history to spice things up. The whole world can’t seem to get enough of him.

Emma can relate.

To combat it, she devotes herself to her work with renewed zest. She doesn’t check any social media, and she avoids looking at any and all magazine stands. She lasts four days before she cracks and, in a jumbled mix of morbid curiosity and jealousy, googles Trystan’s would-be fiancée. She spends fifteen minutes reading her Wikipedia page and an assortment of articles, before embarrassment, sorrow, and self-directed anger snap her out of it.

Still, she’s seen enough.

Princess Jia is beautiful, and she has a reputation for wit and kindness that Emma finds profoundly annoying. She wonders what Trystan thinks of her. After all, he fell in love with the last woman he entered into an arranged engagement with. Perhaps history will repeat itself.

She knows she should like that idea. Trystan deserves love in his life. She wonders if it’s a moral failing that she can’t bring herself to wish for it.

She openly changes the subject every time Luke and Ruby talk about him, subtlety be damned. It isn’t hard – Ruby picks up the baton after the first few times and begins to steer Luke away from the topic of Trystan whenever his name comes up. Still, she doesn’t talk to Emma about him, for which she’s grateful.

Until she does.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened between you and Trystan?” She asks, lifting a hand when Emma opens her mouth. “Please don’t insult my intelligence by pretending not to know what I’m talking about.”

They’re sitting at a table in their favorite café, a hopelessly tacky place whose kitschy appearance only a true New Yorker would know to look beyond to the gem it truly is. It has the best coffee in the city, and it’s one of Emma and Ruby’s favorite places to hang out together.

“I wasn’t going to. I was just going to say I don’t want to talk about it.”

Ruby’s shoulders slump. “He really hurt you, didn’t he?”

It would be easier if she could say yes, but she shakes her head. “He didn’t hurt me. The circumstances did.”

Her friend sighs. “I really thought he would come back. He wanted to. It was obvious every time we saw him.”

“Yeah, well.” Emma sips her coffee. “It’s not about what he wants anymore.”

“Do you think he’ll be happy?”

“I don’t know. I hope so.”

“And you?”

Her smile is forced, but it’s there. “Oh, you know me. I always bounce back.”

She does at that, but it’s so hard this time. She thought she could adapt to being without Trystan again – she’s known him for all of five months, for God’s sake. Why does it feel like part of herself is missing? What kind of messed up codependency is that?

Except that she knows, deep down, it’s not about codependency. She can take care of herself without any issues; she doesn’t need Trystan. But she wants him. So much. And being without him now feels like a dagger through the heart, so consistent that she no longer remembers what it’s like to not feel its steady, piercing stab. It’s this soul-deep, unrelenting pain that drives one truth home: she loves Trystan. Perhaps she has always loved Trystan.

She tells herself she’s being an idiot. She’s known him for such a short time, and she was with him even less than that. But Emma knows love, and she knows what it's like when it’s ripped away from you. She may not have that much experience with this particular type, but she doesn’t need to understand it in order to feel it.

Six weeks to the day after she returned from Drakovia a second time, she’s not made any meaningful strides towards moving on. She’s beginning to wonder if she ever will, if Trystan will always be an open wound, hidden beneath layers of time and life.

With a sigh, she refocuses her attention on the case file she’s been examining. She’s barely reread the basic intel when her phone rings. With a frown, she accepts the call. “Uncle Tommy? Is something wrong?”

“Uh… Kid? There’s someone looking for you down here.”

“Now? What do they want?”

“You should probably come over and see,” he hedges.

She sighs. “I’ll be right there.”

Her mind is still on the file as she makes her way down the stairs and into the bar, but her mind goes blank and her heart lodges in her throat when she sees the man sitting at the counter alone, a glass of whiskey sitting untouched in front of him.

Trystan.

She doesn’t realize she said his name out loud until he turns to face her.

“Emma.” It’s barely more than a whisper, but she feels it down to her toes.

“W-what are you doing here? I never thought I’d see you again.”

He stands. “I had to see you.”

“So I gather. What I don’t get is why. Don’t you have a country to rule? Or a wedding to plan?”

Tommy looks between the two of them and turns to the patrons in the bar. “We’re closed, people! Drinks are on the house, now move it!” He gives Trystan one pointed glare before looking at Emma again. “Say the word and I’ll kick him out.”

“It’s fine. His Majesty here won’t be long.”

Tommy nods. “In that case I’ll just… go for a walk.”

When they’re left alone, Trystan and Emma only look at each other. He takes a tiny step forward, his hand raising as if to touch her, before he remembers that they’re not exactly on those terms anymore.

“I would’ve called, but you blocked my number.” At her skeptical look, he sighs. “And I was afraid you’d tell me not to come if I did call.”

“I would have.”

“Yes, I know. Can we talk?”

“Is that not what we’re doing?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, actually, I don’t. What’s going on, Trystan?”

He takes a deep breath. “I abdicated.”

She goes completely still. She isn’t sure she’s not hallucinating.

“Emma?”

“What did you just say?”

“I abdicated.”

Hearing it a second time snaps her synapses back into working order. “What do you mean you abdicated?”

His lips twitch, as if he can’t help but smile with her. “I mean I gave up the throne.”

“I’m not asking for the Merriam Webster definition, and you know it,” she says impatiently. “Just… why did you do that?”

He gives her a look. An I-can’t-believe-you-just-asked-me-that look. “What do you think?”

“You don’t mean me.”

“Of course I mean you.” He takes one step closer, then another, until they’re close enough to touch. “I did it because I love you. Because I’m in love with you. And I’m done pretending you're not the most important part of my life.”

She wouldn’t be able to speak past the knot in her throat if her life depended on it.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you at a loss for words. It’s either enormously flattering, or a terrible sign for all my hopes and dreams.”

“What the hell happened? The last time we talked, you were adamant that staying in Drakovia was what you had to do.”

“You removed yourself from my life,” he says quietly. “Once you did, it became obvious that you’re the best part of it. I found myself hating the very country I was supposed to rule because it stood in the way of us. Hating myself for thinking there was ever any other choice but you.”

“Trystan,” she manages. “This is insane.”

“What’s insane is that it took me so long to figure out I would make a terrible king. Drakovia’s ruler ought to love her above all else. That was never going to be me, Emma. The one thing I love above all else is you.”

“You really mean it,” she whispers. “You’re sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

“What about your princess?”

A smile lights up his face. “First of all, she was never my princess. Second, she’s desperately relieved. It turns out that she’s in love with her childhood best friend but doesn’t know how to tell her parents yet. There’s a not inconsiderable chance she would have jilted me at the altar.”

A surprised laugh escapes her. “That must sting.”

He takes one more step forward. They’re only inches apart now. “Not at all. The only thing that would sting – that would break my heart– is if you don’t want me anymore.”

She’s pretty sure she resembles a cartoon character right now, what with the hearts she can feel in her eyes. But she takes a stab at one last half-hearted objection. “Aren’t you worried about leaving the country in Lydea’s hands?”

“Not in the slightest. I have you to thank for finally making things right with my sister. She will make a great queen. And I… well. I know Mafalda didn’t end up hiring anyone, so I’m hoping I still have a job.”

“Oh, you do, don’t you?”

“Mmhmm. But not nearly as much as I’m hoping I still have you.” He takes a deep breath. With a mounting sense of wonder, she realizes that he’s scared she’ll say no. “What do you say?”

She can only choke out three words. Then again, they’re the only words that matter. “I love you.”

His eyes glimmer with sudden tears. “Emma.”

“Are you honestly telling me you’re surprised?”

He grins. It’s the widest, most joyous smile she’s ever seen. “Maybe a little. Say it again.”

“I love you, Trystan. Bad jokes, concerning ego, and all.”

He laughs, a purely happy sound, before he frames her face in his hands. When he kisses her, it’s slow, achingly slow, even as it grows in intensity. Their breaths mingling, their mouths melding together… they both revel in the intimacy, neither in any rush to end this moment. When they break apart, he rests his forehead on hers, eyes closed, smiling slightly. Just… relishing each other.

Reveling in what they never thought they would have.

“I love you, too." His voice grows hoarse. "You're the love of my life, Emma. I want to spend what's left of it proving it to you."

She presses a soft kiss to his jaw. "I guess I could be persuaded to let you. On one condition."

"What's that?"

"You let me do the same."

His smile is so full of joy, it makes her heart tremble. "You got yourself a deal, detective."

#trystan x emma #trystan x mc #crimes of passion #home without #playchoices

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laurenairay · 1 year

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gotta trust how you feel inside - J. Skinner

Summary: Jeff Skinner had never met anyone like Cameron Marlow before. Turns out, he had a lot to learn.

A story of accepting someone for who they are, as well as accepting yourself.

This is my entry for @wyattjohnston’s summer fic exchange 2k23, for @nhl-stories! I decided to do something a little different than I’ve ever done before, based off of your prompts and answers to my questions, so I really hope you like this. I researched so many articles and blog posts and videos on coming out and acceptance and all the different ways people have felt and reacted in their own journeys, so I really hope I did Cam’s story justice. Also heavily inspired by Mae Martin and their wonderful self!

Warnings: angst, slow burn, friends to lovers, fear of coming out as non-binary, change of pronouns part-way through.

Words: 4.8k

Title from Green Eyes by Arlo Parks.

Thank you to @tippedbykreider for being a wonderful beta reader!

Some of these folks wanna make you cry, But you gotta trust how you feel inside, And shine, and shi-ine, yeah, yeah, yeah.

“Jeff! Pizza or tacos?”

“Tacos please!”

“On it!”

Jeff smiled to himself as his neighbour Cameron disappeared from her balcony, back into the apartment below his. Their Friday night tradition of take-out and movies – whenever he was in town, that was – was something he treasured. Most of his teammates over 30 years old had a wife and kids at home for their Friday nights, but not Jeff. Maybe it was something that bothered him a lot when he was younger, not having someone to come back home to like everyone else seemed to, but since he’d been traded to Buffalo, it was something he was learning to let go of. There were plenty of other things in his life, plenty of other people, to fill what society deemed him missing, and he appreciated all of them. Loved all of them.

Cameron Marlow included.

She had been a breath of fresh air when he’d first moved into their shared apartment building back in summer 2018. Single, like he was, and only a year younger, so at least he didn’t feel completely out of place. And she was an introvert much like he was slowly growing into, meaning he didn’t have to put on a fake extroverted energy all the time, didn’t have to be ‘on’ 100%. The two of them bonded over just wanting someone to hang out with sometimes, someone who wouldn’t judge a depleted social battery. He knew that her work was intense, that she was damn good at her job too, and that the hyper-focus she had to have on all the time during her workdays left her pretty drained by the time she got home, much like hockey sometimes left him socially inept, so he appreciated having her as a friend he could just be himself with.

It didn’t hurt that she was blonde, blue-eyed, and completely & utterly beautiful. But that wasn’t something he wanted to think about right now. Cameron was so out of his league it wasn’t funny. Her intense corporate work aside, she was so interesting as a person that he barely felt like he could keep up. She was part of a book club, reading fiction about all kinds of different topics that he barely understood, leaving him feeling like more of a dumbass every time he attempted to follow along. She always volunteered during Pride month at the parade, making sure teenagers felt safe and secure and hopeful. She introduced him to plays and movies and poetry readings that he never would’ve thought of going to. He tried to keep up with her, loving the time they spent together too much not to, and it always seemed like she appreciated it anyway.

At least her dating life was as much of a disaster as his was. That was always something he could console himself with. Her type seemed to be tall blonde beefcakes, typical douchey gym bros, and every time a series of dates ended with the two of them eating ice-cream on one of their sofas, Jeff felt their friendship bond grow just that little bit more. He knew that his friendship with her was one of the best and closest and most genuine friendships he’d ever had, and over the past five years he’d grown to cherish it over anything else.

Cameron Marlow was in his life to stay, and there was nothing he ever wanted to change about that.

“Alright, tacos should be here in 30 minutes. Do you have beer?”

“Of course, I’m not a heathen,” Jeff scoffed.

Cameron just laughed, blonde waves swinging over her shoulder as she shut his apartment door behind her. She was dressed similar to him, tank top and sweatpants with fluffy socks, and she wasted no time in pulling her hair back in a messy bun after passing him a beer and sitting down next to him on his oversized sofa.

By the time their tacos arrived – Jeff went down to the lobby to pick them up, of course – Cameron had all but sunk into the sofa, all tension disappearing from her body. It was a good look for her, to be honest, peaceful and relaxed and content. And the fact that it was in his apartment that she was able to feel this way? Well, that meant everything to him.

However, by the time they’d finished eating, Cameron had flicked through her phone a few times, and a frown had grown on her face, her body a line of stiff tension again. He didn’t think it was because of him – he knew he hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary to her – but it still concerned him all the same.

“You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Jeff said, “Want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know if you’d want to hear it?”

Jeff found himself frowning as he shook his head. Why would he not want to hear what she had to say?

“I always want to hear what you have to say? Why would I not?”

Cameron seemed to hesitate for a moment, eyes filled with something that he couldn’t read. Despite their five years of friendship, there was still so much he didn’t know about her, he knew that much. But why would she think he wouldn’t want to know what was bothering her?

“It’s just…okay, so you know I’m part of a book club, right?” Cameron blurted.

“Yes.”

He didn’t have a clue where this was going, but he was just going to roll with it. The book club met every other Sunday, he knew that much.

“Well we’re reading I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver, and naturally the conversation turned political,” Cameron started.

“As it would, sure,” Jeff nodded.

He didn’t know if it would be rude to pull out his phone to google what the book was about while she was talking, so he just decided to wait to see if she would explain.

“And like, a few of the group can relate to the main character Ben’s struggle, right? Coming out as non-binary to his parents only to be immediately kicked out of the house, so the topic was pretty personal for some of my friends…”

So that was what the book was about. Huh. He could only imagine how difficult that kind of situation would be. And Cameron said it had also happened to some of her friends? Damn.

“…and with the political climate right now, things just got so heated. As it would.”

“As it would,” Jeff agreed.

Well, not that he actually knew much about the political climate around gender. It was gender she was talking about, right?

“Gender is always an emotionally difficult topic,” he said, hedging his bet.

“Exactly!” she nodded.

Oh good, he’d gotten it right.

“The discussion is still bothering you though?” he prompted, eyes flicking to the phone she’d put down on the coffee table.

“Well, yeah, because New York still has so far to go in terms of making things equal for non-binary people. Like, shit, it took until late 2021 for driving licenses to get non-binary options on, and even now official government departments might not have options for all forms until 2024!”

“That seems unfairly restrictive?” Jeff said, frowning.

“It is! And of course, it’s started so many debates and discussions from hate groups and just generally horrible people about whether any of it should even be allowed. Like, what the fuck? All these absolute fuck-up debates about non-binary recognition, how non-binary people are basically invisible, it makes me so mad! How is it okay that a tiny group of people decide that I don’t exist?”

As she wound herself up angrier and angrier, Jeff froze slightly at Cameron’s words. That I don’t exist.

Not they.

Cameron was talking about herself.

No, if Cameron was talking about herself then that would mean she was non-binary…

Whatever was showing on his face made Cameron stop in confusion, before absolute horror flooded her expression.

“I mean, I, heh-”

Cameron cut herself off with a whimper, eyes desperately darting around like she was looking around for an exit from his apartment, and in that moment, Jeff’s heart broke a little. Cameron was trying to get away from him, because she was scared of his reaction. Scared of him. That was the last thing he ever wanted.

Jeff swallowed heavily, before smiling lightly. “I can’t imagine you ever being invisible. No-one should ever make you feel that way.”

The tears that filled Cameron’s eyes caused Jeff to panic slightly. Had he said the wrong thing? Had he ruined their friendship? Had he ruined…everything else?

“Fuck. Fuck, that wasn’t how I ever wanted it to come out,” Cameron murmured, “You don’t hate me?”

The last few whispered words broke his heart all over again. Jeff quickly shook his head as he put his beer down, taking Cameron’s hands in his.

“I could never hate you. I may not understand much about what you’re going through. Like, as a non-binary person. But I could never hate you, okay? You’re still Cameron to me,” Jeff said firmly.

Because it was true.

He might not know much about what it meant to be non-binary, or understand Cameron’s struggles, but the fact that she was scared he would hate her said all that he needed to know. Cameron was still his friend, still the same person he’d always known – he just knew a little more now, that was all, right?

Cameron bit her bottom lip for a moment, seeming to hesitate about something, so Jeff just squeezed her hands reassuringly.

“Actually, I prefer just Cam,” Cameron said.

“Okay. Okay, Cam it is,” Jeff nodded.

“And they/them pronouns,” Cameron added.

Cam.

They/Them.

Cam. They/Them.

He could absolutely do that.

“Cam. They/Them. Got it,” Jeff said firmly, still smiling.

Cam seemed to hesitate for a moment again, looking confused now.

“Just like that? You have no questions or reluctance or anything?” Cam asked, frowning.

“Well, no? Not really? I mean, you know yourself better than I do, right? So if you tell me that you won’t be using she/her any more then that’s not my choice? It’s you and how you are in yourself. It’s only right that I follow what you need,” Jeff said, frowning in response, “Is that not okay? I know I’ve probably been getting things wrong for years now, but I’ll do better?”

Cam laughed softly in disbelief, shaking their head.

“Of course it’s okay. And it’s only been a couple of years really but that’s because I purposely didn’t tell you. Haven’t really told many people, if I’m being honest. I just…I wasn’t expecting you to just accept it straight away? Like, you’re a hockey player right, and…”

“And hockey players have a reputation of being homophobic assholes? There’s a few prominent names popping out lately, yeah. But that’s not me. My older sisters played hockey on women’s teams while we were growing up and there were a few lesbians out and proud with their friends, so it’s not like I haven’t been around the LGBTQ+ community? And I know that non-binary is your gender, not anything with your sexuality, but what I mean is that I’m not that kind of asshole?” Jeff explained, “I might be a dumbass hockey player most the time but I’m not that full stereotype.”

“No, you’re right. I shouldn’t have painted you with that brush. I’m sorry,” Cam said, wincing.

“It’s okay. No, really it is. I get that you have to expect the worst from people and I hate that you have to, but you don’t have to with me, okay? I’ve got a lot to learn, I know that. So much. But you don’t have to be scared or nervous around me. I promise,” Jeff said, smiling.

Cam smiled shakily, nodding their head, finally losing a bit of tension in their shoulders.

“Thank you. I just…thank you,”

“I accept you for who you are, Cam Marlow. Exactly how you are,” Jeff said firmly.

Cam choked out a sob, hand flying up to cover their mouth, and it was all Jeff could do to let go of their hands and open his arms wide. Cam wasted no time in flinging themselves forward into his body, letting Jeff hug them as they cried into the crook of his neck. Jeff felt tears sting at his own eyes, but he just held them tight, rubbing their back to reassure them.

Everything would change from here, he knew that. But he wasn’t going anywhere.

Skinner Siblings

Jeff: A friend of mine recently came out to me as non-binary. Obviously I support them and I'm so proud of them but I haven't got a clue where to start to understand it all better? I just want to be a good friend.

Andrea: Firstly, congrats to your friend. I won't ask who because that's none of my business. Secondly, do you want some resources?

Jeff: Yeah I won't say their name because they haven't said I could. But yes please to resources!

Erica: Good start on using their correct pronouns Jeffy.

Jeff: I'm trying. It's literally the least I can do.

Erica: More than a lot of people would! Just as a tip, more than anything else, follow whatever your friend says is right for them. And if you mess up, correct yourself and move on. You are a good friend, even just by wanting to learn.

Jillian: Love you Jeffy. Proud of you!

Andrea: I’m proud of you too. I found a bunch of resources for definitions and reading material and even blog posts. Let me email you.

“Sex is what you’re assigned at birth, based on bodily characteristics. Gender can be completely separate from the sex you’ve been assigned at birth. That’s the best thing about gender: it’s free, flexible and completely yours to decide.”

“A recent Stonewall study found that 31% of nonbinary people have experienced hate crime as a result of their gender identity.”

“60% of Americans have at least heard about gender-neutral pronouns, many people may still be kind of unsure of what to say or do. According to the survey results, 52% of Americans report that they would be somewhat or very comfortable using gender-neutral pronouns with someone they know. But 47% said that they would be somewhat or very uncomfortable doing so.”

“A common misconception is that all non-binary identities sit somewhere in the middle of male and female, and that if you’re non-binary you’ll fit neatly into a box labelled ‘androgynous’. But this really isn’t the case – and one of the most liberating things about being non-binary is that there are no set rules around how you express or experience your gender.”

Jeff’s head spun as he read through all the resources that his sister Andrea sent over to him. There was so much new information to digest, and yet still not enough somehow. Sure, GLAAD was a great place to start for definitions, but he knew there was still so much further for him to go.

Baby steps though, right?

If Cam could take things step by step, so could he.

One of the first things that Jeff did was to add his pronouns to his twitter and Instagram bios. A simple he/him. It wasn’t much, but it was a start – and at least hopefully, if anyone asked him (not that he expected they would), then he could start a positive conversation about pronouns and representation. It was, quite literally, the least he could do. It was also likely that Cam would never notice either, but if they did then he wanted them to know that this was another way he could support them – it was important that everyone and anyone could use the pronouns they knew were correct for themselves, he knew that now. So if he could show people that with his level of publicity then he absolutely would.

He had to use his privilege for something good, right?

In the weeks following Cam’s accidental non-binary announcement, aside from his own research journey, it seemed like a new side of Cam’s life opened that he’d never been privy to before. Sure, he’d liked and treasured the time that the two of them spent alone over the past five years, but now it seemed like they were comfortable enough to let him into a whole new level. He wasn’t entitled to it in the slightest, he knew that, so he made that they knew exactly how much he appreciated these new steps they were taking.

Cam also opened up more to him about their discovery journey. About how they had felt just ever-so-slightly wrong in their body for so long, not understanding why until they stumbled across an LGBTQ+ poetry slam one night not long after he had moved into their apartment building, not knowing what to do about how they felt until a few years ago. Cam had insisted that they hadn’t kept things separate from him maliciously – it was more of a case that they had still been figuring it out for themselves while they were getting to know him too, and part of their process had been compartmentalising. He wasn’t mad. He literally had no right to be, but he genuinely wasn’t mad. The fact that they finally felt comfortable enough with him and within themselves to take down those barriers? That was all that he cared about.

They had even introduced him openly to a few of their friends. Jeff hadn’t understood the side-eyes and the smirks or even the money exchanged between a couple of the group, but he finally in on the jokes about Cam being a social disaster, finally able to have them smiling at him like he was in on the secret. He was part of a whole new world – one that confused him heavily sometimes, but one that he appreciated being able to be within – and he loved that his friendship with Cam had only grown from strength to strength with each new thing he learned about them.

None of that changed how their smile still gave him butterflies.

“You cut your hair.”

That was the first thing that came out of his mouth when Cam opened the front door of their apartment. It had been only a little over a month since their unintentional coming out, but it seemed like each day Cam was a little more settled in their skin, and it made Jeff feel so happy that he got to be part of that. Their hair though – that was a big change.

“I…did. Is it bad?” Cam asked, a little nervous.

Cam’s hair had previously been down to their waist, naturally tousled and dirty blonde. But now…now it was short. Super short. A pixie cut, maybe? At least that’s what he remembered from one of his sister’s magazines. A white-blonde pixie cut. Huh.

“Not bad. Like, at all. It really suits you,” Jeff said firmly, as he walked past them into their apartment.

“You’re not just saying that?” Cam asked hopefully.

“I’m a really bad liar, you know that,” Jeff shrugged, smiling a little sheepishly as Cam laughed, “And I wouldn’t lie to you about this. It’s different, sure. But it feels like you.”

Cam exhaled shakily, shoulders losing a little tension as they nodded. “That’s what I thought. That it feels like me, more than anything else ever has.”

Jeff hesitated slightly as some of the reading he’d done came back to him, before he took a deep breath to steel himself.

“Was this a gender dysphoria thing? Is there still anything else you want to do to feel more comfortable in your body?” he asked.

Cam’s eyes widened slightly before they smiled fondly at him. “You really have done your reading, haven’t you?”

“I just…wanted to be a good friend,” Jeff said, feeling a little awkward.

Was he not meant to have tried to learn more? Did Cam not want that?

“Oh Jeff, you are one of the best friends a person could ever ask for,” Cam said, shaking their head as they smiled, letting Jeff breathe a little sigh of relief.

“You deserve it,” Jeff shrugged.

Interestingly, Cam blushed a little, before they laughed softly, moving to pull some coffee mugs out of the kitchen cupboard.

“Right, to answer your questions. The hair was kind of a gender dysphoria thing? My long hair just felt so feminine, and that obviously isn’t me anymore. Or maybe was never me? I don’t know, I’m still figuring out how I feel about it. In terms of anything else…I’m not trans. I don’t want to transition from female to male, because I genuinely don’t feel like either of them. That isn’t my journey. I’ve been dressing pretty androgynously for a few years so that covers most of what I feel like I need? And it’s not like my boobs are particularly big anyway so I can just wear a tighter tank top if I have days where they are a trigger,” Cam explained.

Jeff’s eyes dropped to their chest before he could even stop himself, and he felt his cheeks flare in horror at his reaction as he quickly looked back up to their face. What was wrong with him? Why would he…bleurgh.

Cam politely ignored his reaction, their mouth quirking in a slight smile.

“Periods might be an issue I’ll have to face at some point, but that’s something I’ll deal with as I get to it,” they shrugged.

He’d heard all the horrors of periods over the years from his sisters, so while he wasn’t quite desensitised, he didn’t grimace.

“There’s birth control you can go on to stop them for a few years though, right? Like, the implant or the coil?” Jeff said, tilting his head, “That’s always an option.”

Cam’s eyes widened slightly again, before they shook their head. “You are a gem, Jeff Skinner. Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.”

Jeff found his cheeks heating up again, but he just smiled, shrugging. It’s not like he was looking for a gold star for being a half-decent human being after all.

Cam finally finished making their coffees, sliding Jeff’s over the counter to him while they sat down on the stool opposite.

“Oh, here, I got you something,” Jeff said, reaching into his bag, “It’s a little lame now that I think about it, but I already bought it so here we go.”

“This is…a cupcake?”

“A coming out cupcake. In your colours,” Jeff nodded, smiling.

White, yellow, purple and black swirled icing on a vanilla cupcake, the colours of the non-binary flag, from a tiny LGBTQ+ friendly bakery that he’d found in the city. The day he’d ordered it, he remembered the tiny smile that cracked on the terrifying butch woman’s face behind the counter, probably because he’d been rambling about wanting to celebrate and support Cam. He’d tried to find a date in the last month that felt right, but with Cam still settling into themselves publicly combined with his travelling schedule, it had taken longer than he wanted. But when he’d picked it up this morning he felt good about it. It might only be a silly little thing, but Cam loved cupcakes, right? So it felt good just to show Cam a little appreciation.

“This might be the sweetest thing ever. My god, Jeff. Why?”

“You deserve something nice? To mark this new chapter? The world is full of terrifying things that happen to people when they come out as non-binary. I’ve read some really awful blog posts about people whose lives were turned upside down just for being brave enough to be themselves. And I know you’re going to have to keep coming out over and over and over again even in just the tiniest of ways, so this is just me saying that I see you and I appreciate you.”

“Damn it Jeff, you’re going to make me cry again,” Cam

“Sorry?” he offered.

Cam just laughed, shaking their head as tears sprung to their eyes.

“I just hope that coming out to my parents will be as smooth as coming out to you was,” Cam said softly.

“You aren’t out to your parents?”

“No,” Cam murmured, shaking their head, “I’m so nervous.”

“Hey, no, don’t be, okay? Your parents love you,” Jeff said, frowning.

“You know just as well as I do how badly parents can react. It’s such an unknown reaction. And it’s not like they would’ve had any kind of idea that this is how I felt about myself over the past few years, right? No build up or lead in that they would have to prepare themselves,” Cam sighed.

They were right. Jeff had read the blog posts, the articles, the statistics. He hated that Cam had to go through this, but it wasn’t his place to pretend that everything was going to be a-okay.

“All you can do is be honest with them. That’s literally it,” Jeff said softly.

“I’m 30 years old, I shouldn’t be this scared to tell my parents who I really am,” they said, laughing a little dryly.

“It’s a natural reaction, Cam. From what I understand anyway. You love them – they’re your parents. You don’t want to lose them, it makes sense. But you also wouldn’t be doing yourself justice in not living your truth,” Jeff said, smiling sadly, “I’m here for you, no matter what happens, okay?”

They nodded, sniffing slightly. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve everything and more. Never let anyone tell you differently,” Jeff said fiercely.

Cam choked out a laugh, blinking away their tears as they nodded again.

“Alright, if Jeff Skinner says it, then it must be true,” they said, wry smile on their face.

Jeff just grinned, making them laugh properly this time. He couldn’t bear the thought of them feeling like they didn’t deserve the whole world. Even if it wasn’t him that was able to give it to them, he still wanted them to be happy. That was all that mattered, right?

Then Cam’s smile slid into something a little more serious. A little more earnest. Jeff finished his coffee, sliding the cup to the side as he waited for them to collect their thoughts, knowing they would speak when they were ready.

“You make me want to be brave,” Cam said softly.

Well that was the last thing he expected. Those sweet simple words made his whole chest warm with happiness. He made them want to be brave? They were already so brave all on their own.

“Me?” Jeff asked, surprised.

But Cam just nodded, glancing over at him with their big blue eyes as they bit their bottom lip, and the look in their eyes made his heart start beating a little faster. Oh. Oh. Him?

“Me? Really?” he asked, a little breathless.

“Yeah, Jeff. Who else?” Cam said, cheeks flushing lightly.

Jeff inhaled sharply, reaching his hand across the kitchen counter to rest on theirs, his heart pounding so hard in his chest that he felt like it would fly out. Was this what his sisters meant when they’d described how it felt when they fell in love? Was he finally getting his chance to love someone too? When Cam clutched his hand back, smiling back at him so sweetly and shyly, he knew he had his answer. This was Cam – his heart had fallen for them a long time ago.

“You make me want to be brave too.”

He knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. He knew that the two of them would face so many questions, so much scrutiny, and most likely so much hatred. But what Jeff knew most of all was that he wanted to try. Cam was worth that. Cam was worth everything.

“Hey Cap, do you mind if I bring my partner Cam to the end of season barbecue?”

“Cameron? Your neighbour? Of course bud, glad the two of you finally got your shit together. How is she?”

“They.”

“What?”

“They. Not she. And it’s Cam, not Cameron.”

“Huh. Okay, good to know. Do you want me to say anything to the guys?”

“No, I’m just going to introduce them as they are. If anyone is shitty, I’ll deal with it.”

“Alright bud, but let me know if you want any help. You’re not alone, okay? Either of you. I look forward to meeting Cam. And Jeff? I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks. And, uh, thanks.”

“Any time.”

Baby steps.

#my writing #jeff skinner fic #summer fic exchange 2k23 #jeff skinner fanfic #jeff skinner imagine #jeff skinner x oc #nhl fic #nhl fanfic #nhl imagine #hockey fic #hockey fanfic #hockey imagine #non-binary oc

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palant1r · 2 years

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does fiction affect reality? my answer.

the fact that so much of The Discourse revolves around the question "does fiction affect reality" is insane to me. imagine if we had arguments over "are people good or bad" and you had to pick "fundamentally good" or "fundamentally bad" and that one choice became shorthand for all your views on people ever. like, you guys do realize that the relationship between fiction and reality is something people have written books about? have written papers about? have dedicated their lives to studying? hell, i spent an entire class studying just how superhero media reflected contemporary images of america over time, and i barely scratched the surface. imagine if you went into like, physics spaces and refused to participate in any discussion before everyone had answered the question "is the cat alive or dead." and whenever someone asked you to clarify the question or explained why both answers are wrong/the question is more complicated than that you accused them of being a pedophile. that's the kind of thing we're dealing with on tumblr/twitter.

i keep seeing people post these "gotchas" about fiction affecting reality, like "if fiction doesnt affect reality explain the news!" or "if fiction doesn't affect reality why do you jack off to it!" as if proving that one specific instance of fiction affects reality in a specific way naturally means that all fiction affects all reality in whatever way you've determined makes the fiction you don't like Bad. and like...where did that assumption come from? why would one thing naturally follow from the other? like, i hate to say it, but if your perception of fiction and reality are that either fiction and reality have never affected each other OR that bad behavior in fiction means bad behavior in reality and this applies to all fiction always, you straight up are not media literate enough to engage in these conversations.

media literacy is not like, a requirement for being human. i think it makes life richer, but i'm not your dad. if you don't want to develop that skill, cool, no skin off my back. but if you attempt to engage in social justice as it pertains to media and fiction, and you do not have a basic toolset of media literacy, you WILL hurt people. and once you hurt people, your ignorance becomes everyone else's problem.

Conclusion: stop thinking about a very complex topic with its own fields of study in black and white "gotcha" terms, or you will hurt people and dumb down the discourse when you attempt to engage in social justice pertaining to fiction

#pisscourse #a bit of a vent but whatever

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homophyte · 2 months

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thank you for the long & thought out response. while i do fully agree with you on stances like prison abolition & the myth of the stranger pedophile scapegoat, my question and discomfort with jimmy’s actions comes not so much from a political/philosophical standpoint but from a very human emphatic one. i put myself in the shoes of the girl he groomed and abused and imagine people listening to and enjoying the music of my abuser and it makes me sick to my stomach. so thats more where my guilt and discomfort comes from. that said i can’t say that their music doesn’t have an impact or isn’t enjoyable. i also agree with you that this mass outrage and very public renunciation and demand for punishment is very much a social mechanism and automatic reaction that quite simplifies a complex situation. however these mechanisms exist for a certain evolutionary purpose after all (sorry my background is psychology) but thats sort of besides the point because im also not a fan of how these things get handled with zero nuance.

its also true what you said that me or you or anyone deciding to disengage with this band or their music changes nothing in the grand scheme of things, so doing it as some sort of Noble Cause against abuse is useless. so in this case i feel it’s up to personal preference and whether or not i can swallow the cognitive dissonance and discomfort this information arises in me whenever i listen to their music from now on.

thanks again for the insightful response, i’m glad we can have this sort of discussion because i also think this topic is extremely important but people often shy away from it because it’s so heavy.

im glad you asked me to share! like i said ive spent a lot of time thinking abt this specifically so its very much like years worth of mishmash thoughts kinda strung together only by me experiencing them over time in succession lol. but i agree its important to talk about it especially within a culture so ensnared in the logic of the prison and particularly how effectively thats been exported into like 'mob justice' for lack of a better word.

re: the emotive aspect im not sure i have much to say other than like Yeah its a very strong one and i dont think its a bad thing at all to have. i got the impression from ur ask--and idk how true this is--that you were wrestling between a desire to return to the music bc you enjoyed it and that response preventing you and feeling a sort of obligation to do one over the other n struggling with that. so i think i approached it as like 'heres ways you can reason w that emotional response and grapple w it if its smth ur agonizing over' or something like that. im also a firm believer in the ways politics shapes the ways we think n feel so my instinct was to tease out some of the structures that may be shaping ur thought processes--which of course i nor anyone but you can fully know. but i dont get that same sense from how u describe it here and either way i think whatever feeling ur having about it is like...i dont want to say its 'valid' but ur allowed to have that and do whatever you want pretty much lol. i cant and am not going to force anyone to engage w the band and theres probably more reasons than i could think to list why its not for everyone even without the sordidness of abuse hanging over it.

without getting into a much much broader discussion i would gently push back on the idea of a biologically innate reason for the existence of carceral/punitive logics (and frankly psychology more broadly), if only bc it does a lot of the work of justifying them. keep in mind that these are concepts ideas and patterns of thought that exist because they serve systems of power and particularly the state. we did not have to have a society which created them, we only happen to--which is to say theyre not innate in this way and i disagree that they have an 'evolutionary' purpose bc it fails to properly historicize them. but thats me coming from an antipsych position lol

#asks #frankly for me its like....sometimes we do feel that emotional reaction n sometimes we dont #and im interested in where the difference is or where the line is drawn #some things are considered 'too big to fail' theres plenty of other much more influential musicians that have equal or worse allegations #but nowhere near the same response #and part of this is just 'size' its much more effective to do this to a smaller artist n a smaller community than like potential millions #of say michael jackson fans right. so part of this for me is yeah why does jimmy urine make ppl feel so strongly #and again part of it is 'size' msi is smaller its like 'cult classic' music for lack of a better word and its obviously evidently queer #so u can weaponize that extant fear of queer ppl and within the queer community of people fearing us #thats not to like diagnose that as something going on w u just that like....the emotional response itself is politically complicated #is what im going for here #so sorry i gave u a bunch a lot of stuff that may not have had anything to do with how ur feeling . i was thinking about other shit #im glad u appreciated though lol!

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possessionisamyth · 1 year

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Every time I see the occasional floating SU post talking about how no one understood The Point, I both get it and immediately recognize that, due to the complex hate vortex created on tumblr during its run, people have selective memory for what legitimate and illegitimate criticisms were being made for the show. Heres a short list, do not add to it:

-the racism from outside and inside the house (human zoo full of brown people, entire bismuth plotline, white people saying garnet isn't black "shes an alien" which also happened for all of her fusions, blatant silencing of black teens written of as "the discourse" whenever they made decent talking points about anything, etc)

-people crucifying rebecca sugar for drawing illicit material as a minor (something a lot of ppl who do art or likes art makes or consumes when they get really into drawing or shipping)

-people shouting "rebecca sugar is jewish! she knows what she's doing" to any criticism at all to silence other people just engaging with the show and stating things they didn't like about certain episodes

-the reveal of rose quartz, the beautiful fat character we spent all this time learning bits and pieces about, being a skinny tall girl(pink diamond) in essentially a fat suit

-homophobic and transphobic people capitalizing on the discourse tags to shout louder and louder about small things that'd go under the radar of any other show further poisoning the cesspool (dumb shit like peridot being child coded)

-how the SU crew handled advertising when they really shouldn't have been doing any marketing ( the concrete reveal and immediate backtracking) and I do blame CN for not doing more actual marketing and trying to bank on social media clout with animators who are not equiped for this

-people asking for lowered stakes when it comes to the diamonds whole schtick because of the implications, and they could predict what the showrunners would do based on previous plotlines

-people upset because during a time where we were getting a fascism free sample(drump), the imaginary fascists get a handshake and a "okay, restorative justice time" moment

-severe lack of understanding that the show was cut short due to the ruby/sapphire wedding, and the movie and sequel series was an attempt to make up for it, and i can't say whether or not this was done well because I dropped out of SU before the movie dropped

In summary, I do think Steven Universe was important. It did do a lot of things well, and it helped open more doors for other creators to do more fun gay and trans stuff in their shows including handling difficult topics. Whether those other shows handle ALL those topics well isn't something I'm going to waste my breath on. If the writing captivates me then it captivates me, and now whether or not it's good is always second to whether or not I find it fun.

My little brother and I watched SU together like we did Gravity Falls and Adventure Time, and I was able to use the metaphor of Stevonnie to explain my nonbinary status to him without any issue. However, at some point for me, I stopped finding the show fun, and I know for a lot of people sucked into the tumblr hate vortex that meant they had to equate the show as Bad.

I don't know if I'll sit myself down and watch the movie or follow up series, but this isn't because I think they're bad. I simply have gotten back into actual adult fiction books and comics, so a lot of YA or kids content haven't been hitting those same brain spots with me like they used to when I was a minor or a young 20 something trying to figure out how to be a person.

There's more I could say about how lgbt+ writing and art is held under a tighter microscope than the most milquetoast cishet content, but there's already dozens of posts floating around that explain it better than I feel like doing at this hour.

What I will say though, is if you loved SU at first and you started to hate it, like genuinely hate it, maybe take the time to figure out when the hate started, what caused that hatred, and why you hated it, especially now that you don't have every other post on your feed talking about how SU sucks yelling in your ear.

#steven universe #aris advents #oh boy i sure hope this goes under the radar so no one gets weird in the replies

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dragondemoness · 2 years

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hello!! i see that your reqests are open at the moment!! i would love to send a reqest to you (if thats ok with you) but here i go anywayss :D

can you do Aoi Asahina and Sakura Ogami with a Sucrose-like reader from genshin impact? if you dont know her heres some info on her :)

To the people around her, Sucrose comes across as a quiet, introverted alchemist with little interest in the lives of others.

In fact, the truth is quite the opposite: Sucrose is fascinated by absolutely everything that exists in the world. The only thing is, she finds the discipline of social interaction to be far more difficult to master than that of alchemy.

Hence, Sucrose decided to avoid such variables at all costs and stick to her familiar methods in satisfying her curiosity.

For instance, Sucrose had always been curious about whether she and Cat's Tail bartender Diona, both of whom have animal ears, had any shared ancestry.

In fact, this was not a private matter, and most people would simply ask the question. But Sucrose was concerned that it would be a sensitive topic — she, for one, did not like people drawing attention to her ears.

So, she resorted to the method she knew best: observation.

For one whole month, Diona constantly had an unnerving sense that someone was secretly watching her. She assumed that one of the tavern patrons was stalking her, and was none too happy about it.

"Similar genome, but ultimately different ancestry. Cat connection merits further study. Note: Unable to obtain bone sample thus far."

This is the conclusion that Sucrose has jotted down in her notebook based on her findings so far.

Bio-alchemy aside, Sucrose made one further discovery from this episode.

That is to say, judging by the pair of cat-ear spectacles she made for herself after the event, it would appear that she has finally come to comprehend a certain uniquely feline variety of cuteness. She is too shy to wear them in public, however, and only puts them on when alone in her room

Sucrose has tied up long, light green hair with a streak of blue, fair skin, and amber eyes, with a pair of black round spectacles. Her Anemo Vision is attached as a brooch to her cape collar. She wears her alchemist uniform as part of the Knights of Favonius investigation department alongside her mentor, Albedo. She wears thick, white gloves, black-rimmed glasses, a blue corset with a ruffled hem, and a pair of white boots and black thigh-highs with garter.

Sucrose appears to have some non-human blood, as her ears are a hereditary feature, which she conceals as part of her hair. Her outfit, Germinating Wind, is described to be a Knights of Favonius alchemist's uniform customized for Sucrose

thats really it but, wow, i never knew it would be this long, hopefully you can do this even your ready, but have an amazing day :]

Thank you for the info, that was incredibly helpful :3

This is the first time I got a Genshin Impact related request, so I hope I did it justice!

Aoi and Sakura with an Ultimate Alchemist Reader who's like Sucrose (Genshin Impact)

Aoi Asahina

She thinks you're so cool!

She was drawn to you for your personality, and your cool-looking appearance

You looked like a quiet and introverted person, so she wanted to get to know you!

You were a really kind person, and she started to like you!

Then she noticed how you would watch and observe others

Particularly the Ultimate Bartender, Diona

You weren't watching in a creepy way, just in a curious way

Hina asked you about it, and you explained that you were actually really fascinated by what goes on around you, but that social interaction was just really difficult for you

About Diona in particular, you both had animal ears, so you were curious if you had shared ancestry

But you were worried about drawing any unwanted attention to her

You didn't like having attention drawn to you, after all

Hina doesn't really understand

After all, whenever she's curious about something, she would be one to just ask about it

But she understands that you're just a little awkward, and there's nothing wrong with it!

She loves you all the same~

Sakura Ogami

She was also drawn to your personality

Like her, you seemed to be on the quiet side, which is what drew her to you

She was also curious about your appearance

And she quickly took a liking to you

Out of the two, she would probably appreciate your talent more

If you can make different alternatives to protein that is actually more effective, she would fall even deeper into love

She notices how much you observe your surroundings, along with the people around you, especially the Ultimate Bartender, Diona

She asked you about it, and you explained that you were actually a really curious person, but were too socially awkward to ask questions

Especially when it came to Diona, as you were worried about touching a sensitive topic

Sakura understands; she would also probably observe rather than ask

So she doesn't mind this at all

If you observe her while she trains, she'll feel very flattered~

#danganronpa #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #danganronpa x reader #aoi asahina x reader #sakura ogami x reader

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neige-leblanche · 2 years

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your OCs? 👀 would you like to talk about them?

tamias and mica yes!!! i wrote a really long rant abt mica a while ago that i can try to find in a sec but. =_= the more i write mica the more i realize they r just dimitri fire emblem. anyway i love them + have actually started writing the story theyre in so im gonna talk about them more!!!! as a preface they are both faeries

mica is the child of two war heroes (luckily both alive) who's on their second year in charge of a platoon of newly recruited fey wingsoldiers. they are Extremely socially awkward when it comes to any topic other of spearfighting + military training, until one day they are ordered to preside over the brutal massacre of a human township for food that the fey dont actually need. this traumatizes them and drives them to discover a cursed spear thats possessed by the spirit of the revolutionary who overthrew the fey government about a decade ago. the spear gives them charisma and emotional intelligence they never had whenever they wield it, and in turn urges mica to seek out justice for the humans who are slaughtered. where im at in the story right now theyve resolved to go infiltrate the resurrected government and kill the queen :3 they have a greyish white carapaced body, white hair and eyes, a vein of shimmering silver through one side of their face, and the wings of a dragonfly, and always favor a spear both in training and combat.

tamias is an interesting character!! he's one of the soldiers in mica's unit and even though his skills with a spear are fairly average, he distinguishes himself by being super outgoing with the intimidating general mica and eventually swearing loyalty to their quest of justice. in truth, when he was a child, his sister was betrothed to the faery princess and lived in the old court, and wrote letters to him detailing her life. though tamias is grown up and his sister died in the fall of the court, he privately holds her childhood faith and idealism up passionately, and wishes to achieve virtuous glory in her stead. he admires mica tremendously, which is a mix of him thinking mica the pure-hearted general would be a valid part of the ideal government he secretly wishes existed, and his optimistic outlook toward life and the people in it. he comes from the woods and has orangey brown eyes and the wings of a finch; also he fights with a bow!

edit heres the mica essay from before i started writing lol

#ask #cannibalism cw

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aggold15hi01 · 2 years

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Young Justice Head Canon 2nd Post (Part 2)

Author’s note: This is the second post of the Young Justice Head Canon second post that I made on my Tumblr Archive Blog.

Plus I am going to do a playlist post on what is on Virgil’s playlist here & my personal blog.

Part 1: https://aggold15hi01.tumblr.com/post/694634628292722688/young-justice-head-canon-2nd-post-part-1

~When it comes to traveling: Cassie always wanted to travel to South Korea ever since how gets excited about anything with South Korea as she also adds Japan as well as Spain, France: Italy; Greece and New Zealand plus Australia (Mainly she wants to go to Queensland and Gold Coast); Brazil and Mexico while Virgil wants to go to Greece, France: Italy; Argentina: Singapore: Malaysia and Oman as well as United Arab Emirates (He didn't want to choose there because of all of the wealth; glitz and glam; mostly to explore what does UAE looks like); South Africa (He would love to go to Cape Town) and Azerbaijan and Croatia plus Antigua and Barbuda.

~Virgil sometimes loves going to the beach in Hawaii; especially whenever he is in Hawaii; either with his family of his dad and his sister, his friends (Yes, not just only Cassie; it could be everybody else on either Traci; Jaime, Bart: Ed; Victor, Tim and Stephanie--mostly it is with Cassie) or even on his own presence; he always love going to a beach in Hawaii.

~During Halloween; Cassie remembers how she did have an idea of dressing up as a genie from one of her favorite My Scene movie Masquerade Madness where Delancey did dressed up as a genie and although she may had planned to dress up the genie from the Masquerade Madness several times; however it didn't ended up happening that is until when she arrives to the University of Hawaii where on Halloween day; she finally gets the chance to dress up as the genie from the My Scene movie "Masquerade Madness" as Virgil did mostly wear an Aloha Shirt (Or a Hawaii shirt); a pair of jeans and having a fake lei (Garland) around his neck to sport a simple costume yet to also represent Hawaii as well.

~Both of them are a big fan of the University of Hawaii American football Team as well as the Super Bowl; Virgil is a big fan of the Seattle Seahawks while Cassie is a fan of the Miami Dolphins.

~Virgil is a big fan of music; he sometimes play really loud music from his iPod where he always blast his music out loud sometimes whenever he is cleaning or making meals for both Cassie and V himself; people would think he is crazy for both blasting the music from his iPod so loud yet having to disrupt the neighbors in the morning with his music blasting from his iPod however after he explained to them about how he loves nothing better than having good music at their apartment (Yes, he and Cassie did share an apartment together as they both pay for the extensions equally.); they truthfully understand and left them (Yes, I am talking about Virgil and Cassie here) alone in their own presence.

~One of Virgil's favorite movie is the Fast and Furious series and whenever he has a conversation with Jaime, Garfield; Victor: Bart; Ed and Tim; he always talks about how he loves the Nissan Skyline GTR 34 that Brian (Played by the late Paul Walker, one of Virgil's favorite actor) had raced from the second movie of the Fast and Furious series.

~One of Virgil’s favorite topic he loves to share with Cassie is about the WNBA; he did remember how when the WNBA Fans did spoke about the WNBA expansion on social media; that's when he spoke to Cassie about how he wants to see a team in either San Francisco (Or Oakland); Toronto: Portland, San Diego: Milwaukee and Hawaii.

~Cassie remembers how streak hairs are so popular; she remembers how she wants pink streaks in her long blonde hair, however her parents especially her mom prohibits her from having pink streaks in her blonde hair as she worries their daughter might go against the school dressing code; Cassie only manages to get the Royal Hawaiian pink streaks in her long blonde hair when she enters the University of Hawaii.

~Virgil did have a Twitch account where he did a lot of the gaming streams that he did; particularly his favorite games are Need for Speed Underground; NBA 2k (Mostly he plays the WNBA 2k) and both of Endless Ocean game. (Speaking of video games; he (Virgil) would love to see a WNBA 2k game.)

~Virgil also loves snorkeling especially after his first experience at the Haunama Bay Beach when they went there with their friends for a first time experience and he pleasantly enjoys it more than he expected.

#Young Justice #young justice headcanon #virgil hawkins #cassie sandsmark

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tinamaetales · 16 days

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The 39, in retrospect

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

The phrase “familiarity breeds contempt” seems truer than I could imagine. I tend to treat familiar things as just common knowledge but I don’t really find any feelings of contempt. But then, as I grew older, I realized that the things I’m familiar with started to irritate me especially when I encounter them all the time. Whenever I browse through social media on national holidays like my country’s Independence Day, I see a lot of posts related to our national heroes and before when I was still a student, I tend to become excited about them because “yey, something informative is on social media!” but now I just roll my eyes and scroll past them. This habit is bad because what if the post contains misinformation and everyone else just does not care enough to correct it? Then it will just create a series of posts about misinformation that the younger generation will stumble upon and since no one dares to correct them then it might pass off as fact. Sometimes, that is how we just roll right? We tend to just read on surface level instead of doing our research about certain things because fast facts and summary are better than reading full information – who has time for reading, anyway? An example of this that I can think of is when history books claimed that Jose Rizal is the author of the poem “Sa Aking Mga Kabata” and everyone else just accepts it. However, there is no actual documentary evidence that suggests his authorship. But such “fact” became so common in the Filipino society that when one asks about his writings, that poem is a familiar answer. Anyway, misconception or fake news is not the main topic of this blog post but more on how familiarity with certain things tend to make us disinterested in knowing more about them. I, for one, am guilty of this. I prefer reading summaries instead of the whole article. My mindset was, why read the full chapter when not everything will be part of the exam? Only the most common knowledge such as the main/famous characters and the dates of the more significant events are the questions to be included in exams. This kind of mindset was the reason why I never was interested in reading the Bible as a whole. I was content with knowing the familiar stories from the Bible like Adam and Eve, Noah’s Ark, Moses and the ten commandments, and Daniel in the lion’s, the parables of Jesus, Jesus’s crucifixion and resurrection to name a few and have no interest in actually knowing more about God. And such a mindset was one of the reasons why my faith in God was like a rollercoaster ride, filled with ups and downs. For the longest time, my mind only knows God but my heart does not fully know and understand him.

I have already discussed here in my blog about how I was redeemed by God in late 2023 through the show The Chosen (crazy how God works, right?) and it was that show that ultimately made me come back home and work on having a real relationship with God through His only begotten son Jesus Christ. Early this year, I turned 28 and I made it a mission to get to know God more through reading the Bible. I bought a King James version Bible last December 2023 and I started reading it on the very first day of 2024; I decided to just read it in chronological order so I started with the Book of Genesis. Since I grew up in a dominantly Catholic practicing society and have studied in Catholic schools from kindergarten to high school, I am very much familiar with the stories from the Bible so I had the assumption that reading it would be easy but I was wrong. I was surprised at how difficult it was to fully grasp its message and I often find myself feeling overwhelmed after reading some chapters or verses. I realized now that there are a lot of things that I misunderstood and there are so many stories that are foreign to me and I am just learning now. Few days ago, before I started working on this blog post, I finished reading all 39 books of the Old Testament and right now I am feeling a lot of things. It was overwhelming, especially the contents of the books of Moses and the history books. The poetry books as well as the books of the major and minor prophets are also overwhelming especially on the form it was written. I thought that the Bible was written in a “novel” way but it was actually “poetic” which made it very challenging for me to comprehend.

Amazement, confusion, assurance, melancholy, frustration, comfort, and pain – these are just some of the things I have experienced while reading the books of the Old Testament. Reading those 39 books was not like a walk in the park experience. I thought that reading the stories would feel as if I am reading a story about a hero; I just assumed that the chosen people of God managed to always do the right things and fulfill the mission given to them with some challenges and struggles on the side. I was expecting that it would be like how movies do it – once the main character conquers the challenges then it is happily ever after but it is not the case here. I tend to forget that these people from the Bible were real people who are just flawed humans like us. They can fall like a tower despite God choosing them. Just because they were chosen does not mean that they will not break again. It was difficult for me to understand it at first so I ended up getting disappointed and frustrated with them. I was frustrated with Aaron for tolerating idolatry, mad at Saul for his disobedience, and was let down by David when he ordered Uriah killed just so he can have his wife, and many others. It was difficult for me to understand because what I was expecting was something simple instead of accepting the fact that humans are complex. Also, who am I to be mad at them when I am a sinner too? It is easy to see the faults of others. Now that I have finished reading all the books and rereading some of the chapters and verses, I have realized that the Bible has the recurring theme of rise and fall of humanity and the abundant mercy, love, and compassion of God despite showing His wrath. In retrospect, I feel like the entire Old testament can be defined through these two verses: Exodus 34:6-7 - And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.” and Judges 21:25 - In those days there was no king in Israel: every man did that which was right in his own eyes.

It would be impossible for me to discuss the entirety of the Old Testament but in this blogpost I would just share some of the events and characters that I think about a lot:

The event that confused me: Isaac as an offering to God (Genesis 22:1-18)

“It is too much. God is asking for too much” this is my exact reaction right after reading that chapter from the book of Genesis. It was difficult for me to comprehend why an all-knowing, powerful, and loving God would ask his faithful servant Abraham for a sacrifice as heavy as this one. I reached the point wherein I asked God if it was necessary for Him to test one’s faith in such a heartbreaking way because I have been in situations wherein my faith was really tested to the point that I just concluded that maybe God enjoys punishing humans because the test was just too much. And that is where my failure to understand this chapter comes from. I was looking at this in a limited perspective because I thought God was just doing this to see if I can endure being faithful despite the heartbreaks which, most of the time, ends up with me resenting Him. However, that is not the case as I truly dive deeper. God did not ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac for the purpose of hurting him for his faith but to show us that when we remain faithful and submit complete obedience, God will deliver. The message of this story, in my own understanding, is that true faith requires work (James 2:26). It is not enough that you believe in God and memorize the Bible, you must also put in the work. We must completely surrender our lives to God and leave the life of sin. This is my main takeaway from this story – God is not asking for too much, He just wants us to fully trust Him. Abraham fully trusts God and Isaac trusts God too, so in the end God provided the ram to be sacrificed instead. The ram in place of Isaac is a foreshadowing of God himself sacrificing His own son to save the world (John 3:16).

The event that surprised me: Jacob wrestled with God (Genesis 32:24-28)

One of the characters from the Bible that early on I was never fond of was Jacob. I disliked him because of all the things he has done such as deceiving his father, stealing from his brother, and he did not even defend his own daughter from a rapist – he is a jerk. I disliked him more because it seems as if he always gets away from his own shits. Then, he finally got “cornered” when he was informed that Esau is going to meet him but he has 400 men with him; no assurance if this meant Jacob will be met with war or with peace. Jacob sent his gifts ahead and was left alone in the camp then the event that followed surprised me. I find the story of Jacob wrestling with God surprising because, well, what on earth was that? I was confused as to why God had a wrestling match with a human. The wrestling match even lasted until dawn. I thought a lot about that scene and I was trying so hard to understand its purpose because you know… God can just simply forgive Jacob and redeem him and give him his new name but a wrestling match really did happen. But upon deeper reflection, I have come up with two realizations:

I am also wrestling with God

There have been a lot of times when I find myself screaming and crying while praying to God because I was begging him to intervene and provide solutions to the problems I am facing. Sometimes those moments would last for weeks; I just kept on begging God to do something because my situation had become hopeless. Those were the moments that really felt as if I was also wrestling with God. And just like Jacob, I really wanted to get an answer from heaven so I stood firm in my prayers. Sometimes, God responds in the way I wanted to but there are also some moments wherein He provided a redirection.

2. We are never too damaged for God to save us

One of the things I have noticed in the world that we live in is that often one’s reputation precedes them; society seems to be unforgiving of people’s past acting as if perfection exists in humans. But thank God, it is not the same with Him. Jacob’s story proves that God is a loving and merciful God who is willing to extend His grace to those who truly repent and I am a testament to this. I am truly grateful that through Jesus, I was redeemed and I am hoping and praying that I would not waste this second chance given to me.

The character that I am familiar with: Moses (Exodus to Deuteronomy)

Moses is probably the most famous prophet from the Old Testament. If I will describe it in kpop terms, he is the face of the group or in NBA terms, he is the main star of the franchise. Moses’ role is one of the most important as he is the one used by God to free the people of Israel and establish the covenant. What makes Moses iconic is how relatable he is. I look at Moses and feel the assurance of God’s love and mercy. For a long time, I have looked at Moses as someone who is so great, someone you can define as a larger-than-life kind of person, in NBA terms the GOAT, but then fail to see that behind the great role is a man who was once lost. He was like that one lost sheep whom God decided to look for despite having 99 good ones. Moses is one of the proofs that God does not call the qualified but qualifies the called. He was wandering around the desert because he killed someone in Egypt and what might seem like already a dead end for him turned out to be just a stepping stone to something greater. He was able to start a new chapter while in the desert, he got married and had kids, but then God called him for a great mission. His entire arc is not just amazing but inspirational; a testament of God’s abundant grace, for sure.

The character that I never knew before: Josiah (2 Kings 22-23)

King Josiah was just one of the many people from the Bible that I am not familiar with. When I reached his part of the story, I was surprised at how young he was when he ascended the throne but his story became one of my favorites. Josiah is proof that you cannot let your past define your future. He proved that a person can break the generational sin by simply becoming a good person. I love how he refused to inherit the sins of his ancestors (his grandfather and father). I love that Josiah did not follow the sinful life led by his family and instead dedicated his life and leadership to God. Josiah is proof that we can do better. Also, Josiah is a great leader for he wanted his people to live life in accordance to the will of God. Josiah showed us that a great leader can make a difference for his people. He did the best he could and his story and his reign were one of the events from the Old Testament that I enjoyed reading.

There is this famous Filipino saying “Kung ano ang puno, siya ang bunga” which means that the traits, attitudes, or values of one’s family can be inherited by their children and I have always hated that. It hurts every time people would tell me that I act like this or that because I inherited it from my father because I refuse to be associated with a horrible person. I know that I can do better and Josiah’s story gives me assurance. Just like Josiah, I refuse to inherit the toxicity of my family; where I came from does not define me. I am my own person and I refuse to be associated with those kinds of people; I am not perfect since I have a lot of things to work with in my own life but one thing is for sure, I will do my best not to become the monster I have fought with my entire life. And by God’s grace, I hope I can work on becoming a good person.

The character that disappointed me: David (2 Samuel 11:1-27, 2 Samuel 12:1-25)

King David was one of my favorite people from the Bible. I love his entire story arc because of how “heroic” it was and I guess his humble beginnings was the first time, if I am not mistaken, the world witnessed an underdog story. I am very fond of underdog stories because their win is an inspiration for “smaller” people like me (just like how I loved the success stories of Miami Heat’s undrafted players). David, I believed, had the “perfect” character arc; he went from being a young shepherd to the King’s musician, to a warrior (after defeating Goliath, single-handedly), then finally becoming the King. His story was like the perfect cinematic experience however, it did not just end with him becoming a King. He ended up committing a sin that God Himself has to call him out through the prophet Nathan. I was disappointed in David because he already had it all yet it still was not good enough for him. I was disappointed with the lengths he went through just so he can get what he wants; he was responsible for Uriah’s death all because he wanted to get Bathsheba (Uriah’s wife) despite already having wives of his own. His action proved that humans, by nature, cannot be content and would always want to have more. However, this story line is more than just a story of how human’s greed can consume them as this also showed us how God’s mercy and grace is abundant. His story further showed us that when a person truly repents, then God can forgive you. This story of his gave us the message that while God is forgiving, He also makes sure that sins are not unpunished (Romans 3:23-24).

The character I end up seeing myself in: Jonah (Jonah 4:1-11)

The belly of a large fish is the first thing that comes to mind whenever I hear the name Jonah. I was familiar with his story but not with the full context of it; I only know that he was swallowed by a fish and then he prayed to God and his prayer was heard so he was vomited out by the fish back to the dry land. I never expected that I would enjoy my time reading his book. Out of the 12 minor prophets’ books, Jonah’s story seems like a “break time” from seriousness because instead of focusing on delivering prophecies, his story focused on his “detours” which eventually led him to obey what God had asked him to do. What makes his story even more enjoyable was that it was created in a satirical way - characters doing exactly the opposite of what was expected of them while God’s own prophet, Jonah, was doing everything you do not expect from a prophet (running away from God and then getting mad at Him). Anyway, after reading the book of Jonah, I had the realization that I am a Jonah too. Jonah’s “tantrums” about not accepting the notion of loving your enemies was exactly what I have been doing. It was difficult for me to comprehend why God welcomes everyone. It was difficult for me to know that even the people who hurt me would also receive the mercy and grace of God. Then I realized that if God’s mercy and grace are not abundant then I would not have been redeemed. Who am I to judge others? I was a sinner too. And if God can redeem me, He has every right to redeem others too. However, it is up to us if we are willing to truly repent and put on the work alongside our faith. In the end, this book teaches us to be compassionate and extend the same grace and mercy that God gives us. God’s love for His people is greater than the mistakes made. If we can truly repent, then we are deserving of God’s mercy. God’s love works wonders.

The book that broke me: The Book of Job

This book hurt me to the point that I stopped reading the Bible for a while. It’s difficult to praise God while you are in misery. The entire book felt like a reflection of my own suffering so reading it became difficult. It felt as if the more I progressed in the book, the heavier my heart felt. And in the process of reading this book, I started questioning God again.

“Why do you allow suffering?” Those are the words I often ask God because as a fragile human, it is difficult to comprehend why and how a loving and merciful God would allow suffering in this world – especially when you see that most of the people who suffer are not even the bad ones. Every time I see the world’s biggest criminals, the politicians, living good lives and remaining unpunished for their crimes, my heart feels heavy as I realize how much I have suffered and why God allowed it. I started to think that maybe God enjoys seeing people suffer or maybe he plays favorites. I cannot fully understand why there is a need for God to test our faith when he knows that humans are fragile and cannot handle anything too much. Does testing one’s faith really make them strong? Because in my experience, my suffering did not make me strong, it just left me hurt and traumatized (with a few mental illnesses). Amid suffering, it is difficult to understand God’s greater purpose because our focus is on the pain. But that is expected, right? We are only humans. For a long time, after reading the book of Job, I closed my Bible and just gave myself time to reflect. The pain I felt was something I cannot fully describe and I cannot find the strength to go back to God – long story short, I fell again.

The time I spent away from God was quiet yet empty. I stopped praying and calling to God – it was as if I entered a room to get away from the chaos yet an uncomfortable silence enveloped me and I felt weaker than before. It was during this time that I realized that I am barking at the wrong tree. Why am I blaming God for everything when I am also responsible for my situation? And the biggest person to blame here is my human father (Yeah, I really have to emphasize the human part on this one because God the almighty father is not to blame here). But I guess my “sama ng loob” to God comes from knowing that He can save us from this misery yet I felt His silence more than His love. I can see what He can do for others so why can’t He do it for me too? Why is God not intervening and is just allowing us to suffer? It is crazy because I ended up remembering the famous Bible verses, Proverbs 3:5-6 and Matthew 6:31-32, and it finally dawned on me: despite the difficult circumstances, God had always provided for us. We always have food to eat and we still manage to pay our bills – yes, the crazy housing loan instigated by my stupid human father is still a problem but despite that God makes sure that we can still survive. I just must stand firm in my faith in Him. After all, this is the same God who had proven time and time again that He can make miracles happen: if God can part the red sea for Moses and provide manna for the people of Israel in the desert, if He can do all these miracles, then God can also save me and my family from this ruin – I just have to trust His timing. It will always be God’s timing, not mine.

The book that healed me: The Book of Daniel

If the previous book I have discussed hurt me, this book, the book of Daniel, healed me. I have found a different kind of comfort upon reading his book despite being familiar with his story. Daniel in the lion’s den was one of the most popular Bible stories that I have been hearing being repeatedly discussed in school (I studied in catholic schools) but reading his story, in full context, made me appreciate him more. Daniel became my comfort person. I have found a deeper admiration for him; I wish I can even be just half the person that Daniel is. He truly lived up the life of the faithful for he showed us how a real relationship with God should be. I love how Daniel stood firm in his faith and did not compromise just to not offend people. Sometimes, I am guilty of compromising my faith in God just so I can accommodate the earthly things. It made me ask myself this question: Why am I going to follow what the world says is right? I should live life according to God’s will, not to the world’s standards. After all, earthly standards, created by humans not by God, would lead you to damnation.

Three words to describe Daniel are wise, courageous, and faithful. I would like to associate him with those three words because of the way he handled things. Daniel was a wise person as God gifted him wisdom. Daniel is courageous for he had the courage to stick to his principles; he did not allow himself to be “defiled” or become “unclean.” Even though Daniel knows that by refusing to eat the meal prepared for them by the King he could get in trouble, he stood firm in his principles. And when the decree to prohibit people to pray and worship God was enacted, Daniel still chose to pray. He did not allow his faith to be compromised. Daniel is faithful for he still praises God even though he was thrown in the lion’s den. He put all his trust in God and in return, God saved him.

Another inspiring thing from the book of Daniel is the story of his three friends, Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego, or the three Jewish men who were thrown in the fiery furnace. Just like Daniel, these three men were also captives from Jerusalem and were brought to Babylon. These three men were also like Daniel as they are wise, courageous, and faithful. Because they refused to bow down to the King’s image and worship the King, the three men were thrown in the fiery furnace as a punishment. This showed how they also stood firm in their faith in God and refused to compromise their faith. While they were inside the furnace, someone who “looks like a son of God” joined them. It was not clear if the fourth man in the fire was Jesus, an angel or God himself but the fact remains that they were not alone in their “punishment” I look at this as a symbolism or representation of how God is with us even in our lowest lows just like how he told Joshua: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9). Having the fourth “man” in the fiery furnace with them is proof of how God is close to the brokenhearted and provides comfort for us. Sometimes, we just focus too much on the pain that we fail to see how God is with us through it all.

I have found healing in the book of Daniel because it showed that it is possible to become faithful to God despite of all the pain and suffering in this world. The book made me reflect that it is in learning to trust God more that would help me move past my default “panic mode.” Most of the time, my anxiety heightens because I keep on worrying about everything instead of remembering that I have God by my side. Personally, when things in my life get too much, I tend to “malfunction” instead of making my faith in God stronger; I allow the world’s pain to sway me away from God instead of holding stronger to my faith. And this is why Daniel, as well as Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego’s faith is admirable for they showed us how to stand firm and to fully trust God even if in hopeless situations. I fully realized now that when life knocks you down, it means you are in the perfect position to pray.

Looking back, I cannot believe I was able to finish reading the entire Old Testament. I had my moments of confusion and hurt but there are also moments filled with love and assurance. The 39 books from the Old Testament, although they can be a bit overwhelming to read, are filled with life lessons which can help guide us as we navigate through life with God. We cannot fully understand God’s purpose for our lives if we do not know the history of God’s relationship with humanity. Also, the books of the Old Testament do not just tell the history of God and humanity, it is also filled with wisdom and prophecies which will always be relevant. And the most important thing is that the Old Testament is a way of introducing us to the savior sent by God to save humanity – His only begotten son, Jesus. I am excited as I move forward to the New Testament. I am excited to finally meet Jesus.

TinaMae

#personal #tinamae tales #bible #old testament #the chosen

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to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky · 1 month

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What are some tell tale signs you're dealing with a middle class white person? Besides the perfect whtie teeth and Hydroflask

this is such a weirdly random ask but okay. uhh. it depends on the age group of people and i don't know how to describe it exactly but it's how they talk. i'm mostly referring to more upper-middle class white people in this but it's all about respectability politics and shit like that. using big words showing off the fact that they're educated and often looking down on people who don't talk or sound like them. younger people not quite as much with this but yeah, middle aged middle class white people are easy to spot. they want everyone to know how educated and intelligent they are so they make sure to talk and sound super important and informed and confident in how they speak. it's also what they talk about, and how they talk about certain issues and certain groups of people. idk i really can't describe it that well. like, they don't bring up issues of racial or social justice and whenever these kinds of topics do come up, they'll make sure to center themselves, their feelings, and their opinions. like 'sure black lives matter is important of course, and police brutality is bad, but defunding the police would make me unsafe. what if someone tried to rob me and I the police aren't able to respond because we got rid of them" shit like that.

also it's a lot of how they carry themselves. they're used to a world that is comfortable for them, where they are valued and are able to have some degree of influence over it and they act like it. and they prioritize their own comfort and security over the well-being of many others.

i guess for me, "middle class white people" is more a vibe based on attitude, values, and actions than it is a description of how not impoverished someone is. like, you can have "middle class" not low-income white people who are actively fighting for social justice issues and decentering themselves and actively trying to unlearn societal racism, classism, colonialism, and other implicit biases that society ingrains in everyone, and they don't necessarily give off "white (upper) middle class" vibes

idk if this is what you were looking for anon but that's all i got

#well that's all i got for the amount of time i want to spend on this ask #very very curious as to what prompted this #because this seems super random to me #but like okay sure #lol #ask

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deerydear · 4 months

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The contents of the OCD dialogue do not matter so much as they may work as a vehicle to bully oneself.

…and for me, I have an element of choice in the matter. I was not born with this disorder. It is a variety of logic that 'developed' over the course of time.

I was thinking… it's like a seed. A mustard seed can grow into a tall, tall tree.

For a period of time, several years ago, I 'broke off' from the externalities which I ascribed a sense of 'orthodoxy' to. In reality, this was my own choice. It isn't about 'who to blame', but about 'what can be done'…

I resolved to stop thinking about Social-justice arguments… and just try to avoid the topic entirely. I felt raw, sensitive, as if anything could penetrate my epidermis… as if the least touch would leave a lasting impression.

A year or two later… I stumble across people's accurate criticisms of the arguments I had capitulated myself to --- the cross I was willing to hang myself on.

I read fervently. A sense of relief --- I'm not insane.

I kept my own thoughts to myself, for much of my teenage life. Online, I didn't want to distinguish myself, as a distinct person. So, I would have plenty of thoughts… but expressing them was another ball-field, entirely. That's a brand new game. I find my story reflected in Winston's 1984.

If you can't say it out loud, even as you know it to be true… then what value does it have?

You would hope… that the substance is something which never withers or rots. Truth is always truth, right?

…but isn't it alive, too? Something alive can die. It can live on, in its descendants, its brethren, its friends, its lands… but one single cell has the ability to pass away… slip away, leave… goodnight.

So much of the OCD logic is simply 'distraction', isn't it?

If it is a way of dealing with post-traumatic stress.. then it should be effective, no? Distract you from the pain, distract you from pleasure, distract you from living... zone out, buzz out under your own cocktail of hormones and endorphins. What?

I plugged myself into the Matrix, of my own desire.

"The most important thing to remember is what my grandmother always said: ‘If we use a plant respectfully it will stay with us and flourish. If we ignore it, it will go away. If you don’t give it respect it will leave us.’”

--- from the Teachings of Grass, written by Robin Wall Kimmerer. I suggest reading the whole story. It gives a great context to the quote.

So if one ignores the fun in life, in favor of numbness… will it wither? Without you to sing songs, play games, come up with jokes… be there… won't there be lonely people?

I saw a film which told a similar story:

The first time I saw the film, I had joined in past the story of his childhood. I didn't know anything about his past. All that I saw was the person he had become in the present. "What an asshole," I thought.

…Makes it more interesting to see from the beginning. I didn't realize it was in fact the same story, until we reach that present moment.

….

I'm realizing, over the last few days, that I don't need to actually 'win' arguments against my OCD adversaries. In fact, it becomes obvious how neurotic that I am, in actual arguments with other people… on these topics. I have a hold on myself. Another interesting bit of truth: how much that my own personal subjectivities affect my thought processes.

One might hope that they can put it all away, to look at the world objectively?

….but I'm one person in the world. This is not a bad thing. It means there is so much that I can learn. It isn't about quantity, but quality… You have to have 'a man on the scene'… What is the use of a bunch of raw data, with no one to interpret it?

I've heard that some of the greatest advancements in theory and technology have happened whenever seemingly-unrelated subjects are made related unto eachother. The binary math used in computer code, to this day, has been inspired by the hexagrams of the I Ching -- an ancient Chinese book of poems, which has been oft used for divination.

The lines are either single, or divided. 1 or 0. Yes or No.

Another industry that gave rise to the computer: Fabric-weaving!

I like knitting… It's like a physical form of math. It produces math that you can hold in your hands. A work of math can keep you warm!

I enjoyed weaving this scarf.

The pattern was made extremely repetitive, to the point that I could knit without looking at my hands. I had a sense of being a human typewriter...

chg-chg-chg-chg-ding!

-ch-ch-ch-ch-ding!

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eyesaremosaics · 11 months

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Hey, Megan, I was wondering if you have any thoughts on more and more artists (Tim Burton, Sia...) coming out as autistic (formerly Asperger's) - there's been a huge boost in diagnoses esp among women. Autism is often stereotyped as very logical, rules- and number-focused, no imagination - but these people are proving the opposite. Do you think there's a link between autism and creativity? P.S. Love your polaroid photoshoot, so dreamy and vintage 💜

Hi Anon! Apologies for the delay in response. This is an interesting topic, and I wanted to take the time to do it justice. It’s close to my heart as the godmother of an autistic child, and the partner of someone with Asperger’s. My old roommate recently came forward with this diagnosis as well, and she is one of the most creative people I know!

My friend/boss at the theater company I work for also has it, as well as my friend who I just did the photoshoot (thank you for your compliments on the photos btw 💖). If this isn’t an indicator that there is an intrinsic link between Asperger’s and creativity—I don’t know what is.

Dating someone with Asperger’s is challenging at times, as I am a highly sensitive person/empath, and people with Asperger’s can often hurt the feelings of highly sensitive people with their inability to pick up on social cues. However, that doesn’t mean people with Asperger’s don’t have deep feelings—they do, they just have difficulty regulating them, and recognizing them in others.

My boyfriend is an architect, sometimes his attention to detail is inspiring, and others daunting for me to follow. He is nothing if not creative though. Always building things, designing things, drawing, creating backstories for concepts and even his dungeons and dragons characters lol. The most fun we have is when we are collaborating on something creative together.

My friends who have it are all highly creative people. My old roommate paints, draws, makes jewelry. She was always doing something creative whenever I came home from work. The other runs a theater company as both sales director and creative director of the productions he puts on. He is also an actor and entrepreneur. He rubs some people the wrong way with his personality, but his creativity is undeniable.

So I would say—yes! I definitely believe that’s true. Also autism and the overall spectrum is widely stigmatized, and I think there needs to be more awareness spread on the subject.

#asks #autism #aspergers

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batstickblog · 2 years

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Anime-influenced design isn’t terrible , lazy or genetic (but instead why is inspired).

Anime, what is your opinion about it polarized good or bad? That is effective for those who are fans of whatever series community they are part of, you can't deny it influences generation not only alienated target audiences but animation industry as what is seen today. From Avatar: The Last Airbender to The Legend of Vox Machina. Calls on this art style before since and even every time someone or sites compare shows that are similar to Last Airbender and Korra since that were comparisons every time a series resembles that type of style. Draw heavily from action and story-driven anime. Want talks about animation series or movies that were in fact influenced by anime. Not including shows that were inspired by anime by storytelling or made reference like Steven Universe or The Owl House for another topic to talk about for about time. Going talks about the style.

Question? What animation series that you’re watching and kind of look like anime and have that same movement like Cowboy Bebop, Sailor Moon or Fullmetal Alchemist. There are four shows that come to mind: The Boondocks, Code Lyoko, Teen Titans and Avatar: The Last Airbender. This four grown up watched like after when coming after school in the afternoon or a night waiting for the latest new episodes. This four series did was my fellow gen-z or any millennials at that time during early-mid 2000s when anime growth popular within entertainment industry from shows,

CalArts Style in the 2010s was criticized by those who thought simpler style to design and sometimes style was less diverse and not unique, don’t have your own sense of style. Then yet again not the case. Shows like Gravity Falls, Gumball and Steven Universe are far different each with changes of design when the season progresses forward and writing is less different. Same for those who are drawn to Avatar, Young Justice and Voltron. Reviewers and critics pointed out storytelling, anime-inspired moments, animations and even noticed character designers.

This isn’t new, this went back to the “Action Figure Era” in the 80s with transformers. The series was co-production by Sunbow Productions and Toei Animation. Since then shows throughout the decades of 1990s man studios and companies started to bring on Japanese animators to work many of the well known shows from your favorite childhood and Batman the Animated Series, Gargoyles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Spider-Man, even Talespin heavily Miyazaki's 1989 manga Hikōtei Jidai. The Powerpuff Girls and Dexter's Laboratory there episodes are inspired by anime and giant monster films like Godzilla or Super Sentai. Avatar: The Last Airbender and its sequel The Legend of Korra, evolved that term and now many you’re thankful helped evolve a hybrid of this sub-genres both animation and anime.

Has nothing but highly respect and praise for many studio’s Titmouse Studio, Rooster Teeth, Powerhouse Animation, Studio Mir, Studio 4°C, Polygon Pictures, DreamWorks Animation and… Certainly Crunchyroll, my dream is to be an aspiring showrunner/writer someday working with one of those studios someday in the far future you've seen what they can do. With passion and plenty of hours of production these quality levels are put into this series. Telling not only a story but the world wanted to see off and fans have many love for what these studios are doing. Debating whenever referring to them as “Anime” or not.

You hear about what happened in animation on social media, and recently news about these studios. Either they are doing great or not so much at Sametime controversy arose with mistreatment in management, companies being sold off their division due to other companies, layoffs, or budgeting. What cases do these studios and companies have? What effect does this series have? Anime isn't the only country that has been influenced by anime alone. European-Canadian, Italian and France. Code Lyoko, Wakfu, Winx Club, Totally Spies! and Miraculous each have their own strong influence on anime you’re clearly seen that people who worked on this have enjoyed making this series and making those series anime as possible.

If you’re enjoying it, fans of this series like Blood Zeus, Invincible Avatar, She-Ra, Rwby, Young Justice, The Legend of Vox Machina, Blood Dragon and Masters of the Universe: Revelation, well noting power to you all, and you’re wrong watched this show with few people have they own criticism about this shows and style being compared back to Avatar or Voltron. I am looking forward to this type of series in the future both 2D and 3D. Executive from WarnerMedia, Netflix and Amazon Studios are known for their audiences. Even inspired by a few of these show’s, for future projects of a series for a few years worked and also fellow storyboard artists, animators and character designers on social media for content and want to work with in future.

#anime #animation #anime influence #avatar: tla #the legend of vox machina #voltron ledgendary defender #dota netflix #castlevania #young justice #thundercats #gen lock #blogging #disscussion

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bowiebond · 3 years

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All superheroes are neurodivergent, and I refuse to believe otherwises. In fact, I will list some of the Marvel heroes I headcanon as ND

Scott Lang: ADHD. He jumps from fixation to fixation, his reoccurring hyperfixation being magic, he speaks out of turn and usually off topic to whatever is currently going on, has poor time management and is impulsive. He also had a strong moral code and will do what he feels is best, ie stealing from the rich. Luis and him get along so well because they’re brains are wired similarly, I’m just saying 👀

Tony Stark: ADHD/AUSTISM. This one is just as obvious as Scott. His special interest is science, he has poor social skills outside of what he’s adopted from others (masking in the form of sunglasses and a celebrity attitude), he doesn’t get social cues, is abrupt and interrupts others when hyperfocused and is know to be very impulsive. He has emotional outbursts when overwhelmed/overstimulated (though he deals with understimulation a lot too IMO), not good with empathising but is shown he can sympathise with others and even show them compassion if he’s close to them. Again, strong sense of justice that fits his own definition (deciding that he should be held responsible for his mistakes in making weapons, Ultron and Sokovia, etc).

Steve Rogers: AUTISM. Strong sense of justice, emotional outbursts, stretchy fabric/layers to avoid oversensitivity 👀, special interests were art and maybe even war/fighting, hard time making friends growing up, relates to others with his own stories when comforting people because that’s the only way he knows how, when he’s not interested in a task he will just leave without justifying it (ie the science exbo) which makes him appear arrogant (and Bucky seems used to Steve just randomly wandering off, probably cause Steve’s done it all throughout their friendship).

Bucky Barnes: ADHD. Poor time management, oversharing, bad with tones (his own and others), always seems confused because he’s almost never paying attention to a situation but instead is instead three topics ahead in his own mind, his hyperfixation in the 40’s in fantasy novels and science (specially mechanics) and he regains those fixations post-HYDRA but catching up on modern day fantasy media & boat mechanics. Makes notes of everything so he doesn’t forget anything, makes impulsive decisions all the time (freeing Zemo, asking Wakanda for new wings, moving in with Sam, etc) and has a (un)healthy dose of rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Sam Wilson: AUTISM. Sam is the ultimate masker but this man has ASD and no one can tell me otherwise. He hates changes to his routine without his consent (ie unable to get rid of the boat, jogs every morning, etc), his special interest is technical engineering (his wings & Redwing), he often jokes at inappropriate times & refuses to apologise unless he feels he was in the wrong. Strong sense of justice, emotionally shuts down when stressed, has many casual friends but very few close friends because he finds it hard to connect with people (he connects with Nat, Steve & Bucky cause they’re all ND, duh).

Natasha Romanoff: AUTISM. Growing up in the red room forced her to be an expert at masking, but whenever she doesn’t seem to be acting ‘appropriately’, she’s shown to be uncaring of social cues, burns out easily, and thrives off routine. Her special interest was probably ballet for a long time before it was ruined for her. She wears tight clothes because she doesn’t like baggy outfits that will brush against her when she’s not expecting it and keeps her hair red because it’s her one constant that makes her feel comfortable and gives her something to focus on when she’s overwhelmed.

Peter Parker: ADHD/AUTISM. Do I really need to explain this one? I feel it’s overly on the nose. Hyperactive, special interest is spiderman, hyperfixation is science and pop culture, socially awkward and talks a little too fast for everyone else to catch up with. He’s the ADHD/ASD combo that slots right in under the wing of Tony.

James Rhodes: AUTISM. Come on. Come on. I just,,, he’s best friends with Tony Stark. He’s wanted to be in the Air Force since he was a kid, he went to MIT and has a Masters in the science of Aerospace Engineering. He’s the voice of reason and always thinks of the obvious conclusions without thought to the moral implications (ie killing baby Thanos) or the emotional process of others (ie Steve crashing into the ocean instead of jumping out of the plane). He’s stubborn and rarely yields to others opinions, even if it puts him under social scrutiny. He spends months looking for Tony when most would assume he was dead (and Rhodey has been shown to be very rational and level headed in everything else) because, honestly, I think Tony is his favourite person.

Bruce Banner: AUTISM. Bad with socialising, off in his own world half the time, ahead of conversations, heavy dose of RSD, jumps to conclusions because he interrupts others, emotional outbursts, special interest in physics (though he does have six other PHDs), etc. I’m also pretty sure he had DID as a kid (Hulk was his alter).

Thor: ADHD. Impulsive, doesn’t like change, poor time management, bouts of depression & anxiety, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, interrupts others, seems dumber than he is due to having no filter from brain to mouth, comfort item is his hammer, personally I think he hyperfixates on Jane Foster because she’s the first human he’s really met which is why the eventual break up isn’t as painful as say Tony’s break with Pepper.

Peter Quill: ADHD. Look I could explain this one, but it’s just his whole vibe. The obsession with old school music and film, the impulsive behaviour, the way he interacts with others, he just gives the vibe.

DC BONUS

BATMAN: AUTISM. Special interest is bats, self isolates, doesn’t get along with others because he’s socially awkward, his mask is Bruce Wayne, lives by a strict moral code, blah blah blah HES OBVIOUSLY AUTISTIC (and so are all the robins send tweet)

Reblog with your own superhero ND headcanons!!

#marvel #mcu #sam wilson #bucky barnes #Tony stark #steve Rogers #natasha romanoff #Bruce Banner #thor odinson #Peter parker #James rhodes #rhodey #Scott Lang #batman #avengers #autism #adhd #headcanons #dc comics

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