#why do i always end up here

[momo-de-avis]

every time I come across this motherfucker and his inverted Ms and Ns I send out a curse to all his descendents fuck him and his illegible handwriting

#why do i always end up here #with this dude

[banannabethchase]

The age old fic question: How do I account for all the dicks in this threesome?

#in which Sara writes #Why do I always end up here

[fag-gay-le]

Men are stupid feelings are stupid people not addressing their own shit is stupid and I feel like I always end up in the same place

#mine #why do i always end up here #ignore my ramblings

[lostboywrites]

if there is such a thing as an easy cure of the weak heart, I would love to get a handful of it

#heartbreakrambles #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #spilled words #why do i even bother #why do i always end up here

[infiniteseriesofhalfways]

i dont know man, im just.

99 percent of the shit i write and the art i make and the things i do in general never see the light of day. i dont post them and i dont share them and someday when i die someone might go through my shit and theyre going to find just. so much. so much that i have poured my heart and soul and love into and i will be the only one who ever saw it.

and a lot of that is because of fear. fear that its not good enough. that im not good enough to be worth sharing.

but its also fear that these things that i fill with myself will be taken and twisted and turned into something terrible. that the pieces of my identity that are woven into everything i do will be noticed, ripped out and pointed and laughed at. or worse, i think, that theyll get glossed over. that theyll fly so far under the radar that theyll get flipped.

i write queer stories and i put my queer self into them and i am afraid to be told that im hurting with them. with me. doing more harm than good. im afraid they would be right.

but i also like to believe that somewhere out there is at least one person who would feel seen in what i do. that they would see the pieces of me and feel like theyre looking in a mirror.

i like to think that of all the heartbreaking things ive read, and feet-kicking-y moments and the scenes you have to step back from and take a breath, and the books ive apparently read but have no memory of- i could be that for other people.

i mean maybe it sounds ridiculous or sad but i would love to be oh yeah i forgot about that one and i wish i hadnt wasted my time and oh my god i will never stop thinking about this and it is a thing i read. sure.

but im also terrified of what it would do to me to have any of those things on a large scale. i wrote fanfiction for several years and all i ever received was praise but that was terrifying too. i was so worried about letting people down. and that paralyzed me in a way, and i think i ended up letting people down anyway by quitting.

i went back to hiding my everything because the second i let any of it go there was an expectation. maybe not from everyone else but from me. i expected myself to continue to please people. i expected myself to keep up with it. keep producing and keep making people happy and when i would literally pass out while writing i would just be angry at myself for missing a self imposed deadline.

and maybe im better off this way. maybe im better off writing the stories i want to read and making the art i want to see and doing it all just for me only. because i still get the stories and i still get the art and i still get to cut myself open and pour myself into them. but they stay mine, and they stay whole and i stay afraid.

fuck man, maybe all this is proof that it doesn't even matter if i put shit out there, im going to twist it all around into something its not. i wanted to jot down some thoughts about queer media and also the imposter syndrome of writing, which i guess i did but i didnt mean for it to go like this. ive hurt myself in my own confusion.

i dont know. life is hard. everything is hard. but i think i make it worse for myself.

#and i have rambled on for eighteen pages. FRONT AND BACK. #but seriously i dont know what happened but i was feeling good a few minutes ago #oh the comfort of impregnating minotaurs and how everything is for someone. even me. yay #and then i started writing down my thoughts and now im here. #why do i always end up here #ks gets personal

[buzzingbeesandmoonbeams]

It's gets extremely annoying when you're the one that gets told about everyone's life and problems, but when you try to voice your frustration or talk about something you get a "yeah" or a "hmm" and that person just beings the conversation back to themselves.

It gets exhausting. It makes me want to stop listening to you. It makes me want to stop reaching out.

I love hearing about the important things going on in people's life,, but I don't need a run down of the fact that you mowed the grass, swept and cleaned thia and that EVERY SINGLE DAY.

It's unnecessary...especially when I tried to voice that I'm having a tough time and you keep talking about what you cooked last night.

That's not what friends do. Period.

#screaming into the tumblr void #frustrated #why do i always end up here #sad #friends

[somewhereincairparavel]

Dam being a Jason Grace stan in the fandom is a fucking tragedy lol. Not only do we have to deal with him being screwed over by uncle Rick, but we have to deal with the fandom hating him aswell lol, i feel like Jason Grace slander wouldnt affect me half as much if his character had gotten a happy ending. I just saw an Instagram reel about a "character's povs you skipped through'' and the comments were flooded with Jason Grace just like I'd expected lol 😭 like blud has no mercy there.

It took all my will power to not defend him under a comment that called him "homophobic", I cannot believe that comment had 4 people agreeing aswell like- did we read the same books? Did they completey skip over the coming out chapter in HOH where jason was literally the first person to tell Nico not to be ashamed of liking guys and that no one would judge him? the guy is legit one of the least problematic characters and does nothing mean, how is he even CONSIDERED in the homophobic area anyway? (he also gets slandered for being "too nice" aswell lol) so seeing him wind up in such a contradictory accusation just screams tone deaf and anti-jason bias tbh, Nico legit said he considered jason as one of his first friend/supporter (apart from his sisters) in TSATS :') its like ppl keep throwing in these false stuff bc they WANT to find a reason to hate him. (dont take this as me saying you are not allowed to hate him or something cuz that would be quite hypocritical of me, wouldnt it? i just hate that ppl make up problematic hcs of him and push them as canon, it would taint non-reader's perception of him because of false info, what if a non reader stumbled across that comment and immediately figured that jason was indeed homophobic even when he wasn't?)

Also, can we please normalize NOT judging a person for their character preferences? I like jason and i am aware that its an unpopular take, but that doesnt make me any less of a pjo fan. The fandom seems pretty aggressive when we dont follow the popular opinion. i have seen multiple ppl pretend to hate jason simply bc they WANT to fit in and "look cool", since the fandom has a tendency to use Jason as a punching bag to insult like "he's a knockoff percy" or "he thinks he's so cool but he's not". or smth, so when people do claim jason as a favourite, a huge chunk of the fandom start belittling them and go like "really? Out of all characters, why jason?" Or "Percy/Leo is better, I don't understand why you like Jason"

okay thanks for coming to my ted talk. i am aware that i was yapping here. unfair Jason Grace slander does that to me.

#Why do I always end up liking the unpopular ones #A huge chunk of the fandom doesn't respect other people's opinions either. don't get me wrong I love it here. but why. #The amount of side eyes I got when I said I liked jason smh he's fictional y'all #Like I didn't commit a crime by having him as my top 5 sheesh #Normalise not giving ppl the side eye when they say they like jason grace #jason grace #pjo #pjo series #pjo fandom #pjo toa #pjo hoo #pjo hoo toa #percy jackson #annabeth chase #hazel levesque #frank zhang #piper mclean #leo valdez

[rynpie]

felt the need to doodle lilia

#twst #lilia vanrouge #finished the first part of ch7 #im so nervous but also excited for the rest on en #i love this dumbass so much gdi ch7 is going to end me #ive had alot of artblock lately #so between school and bg3 i havnt been able to draw much of anything that i like enough to post #have too many unfinished lilia doodles #might post a bunch of them here since who knows if ill ever finish them #this one was surprisingly somthing i drew earlier but then fixed it up #which is something i hardly do lol #usually i need to be hyperfocused and finish the art in one day lol #which is why i feel certain i'll never be able to ever take on commissions orz #trying to get into the art zone is very fickle and im sure it always will be

[skitskatdacat63]

Favorite Martian pics atm

#i love these beginning of season pictures so much. these arent from the rb7 launch but they are in my heart #bcs like they dont want one driver to be favored so they make them do all the same pics but reversed #AND THEYRE SOOOOOO 🥺🥺🥺 #like very obsessed w how in the car launch pics theres so many variations on whos doing what #like: heres mark sitting and seb standing. heres the opposite. heres both standing. heres both sitting. etc. #so then you just end up having these cute matching pictures 🤭🤭 #but nah i like these in particular cause my god mark does not know what to do with his arms 😭 #seb is *always* ready to do a sassy hand on the hip. mark is 🧍‍♂️ #but yeah this is what my recent drawing was based on #but yknow without the perspective difference bcs i wanted to draw their actual height dif 🥺 #also as dru just said to me when i sent these: i love how they made them stand in some random alley #like why does the floor look wet???? 😭😭😭😭 #these are also giving like highschool professional photos. especially the ones w them leaning against the wall like bad boys 😎 #f1 #formula 1 #sebastian vettel #mark webber #martian #sebmark #2011 australian gp

[front-facing-pokemon]

#something is very obviously different about these two compared to my normal images on this blog. i acknowledge this #also the sv model is Really good. and since they always stare straight at the camera anyway… and no one pays attention to the background… #and the only high-quality phantump model i could find was so horribly shiny that its eyes were just white voids #in my defense‚ phantump always just stare straight at you in game #the lighting is different‚ yeah. that's probably the dead giveaway. beyond the background. but like. i'm the only being on the planet who #really likes phantump anyway. i feel like it's a generally forgettable pokémon to most folks #phantump #HELLO this one is a weird one. i have some explaining to do. so when i did this one i didn't know how to edit models really at all #and when i got the models for these‚ the xy models were super shiny. shiny to the point that it made their eyes fuckin invisible #and i decided that since you could barely tell it was phantump‚ i needed a different way to get these images #i remembered that in the SV dlc‚ every time you find a wild phantump‚ it just fucking. stares. at you. and i was like. aha #i kinda remembered because of the test stream that i did. tumblr user alligayytorr (am i getting the right amount of Ys) said #“haha i am getting a sneak peek” when i zoomed the camera in on a phantump. and i remembered that. and i was like. i can utilize this #and ended up using just an in-game screenshot of SV in replacement of the regular content. later on‚ after that #once we got into gen 7 and it became less and less reliable to find models‚ i had to learn how to edit them manually to remove the shine #i am a software dev. not a 3d modeler. this ended up coming down to editing the code of the models directly (which i ended up writing a #script to automate). now‚ today‚ january 22nd (the day of me writing these tags and updating this post)‚ i remembered this post was in the #queue and was not normal. so i went back‚ ran the script on the phantump and trevenant models‚ and unshinified them #then edited these two posts to be normal. i have left the original pictures i took under the cut for reference and as bonuses #because i really enjoy phantump. so that's why those images are there‚ and that's why these tags are here #just for posterity's sake‚ the folks who come here mostly for my commentary‚ i've left the ORIGINAL tags of the post when i initially #made it with the SV pictures up at the top (i wanted to rearrange them‚ but tumblr makes that Very difficult‚ so i left them as-is) #so if these tags are confusing to read i Apologize. but i hope now that you're at the bottom you understand what happened #i'm gonna go edit the trevenant post now

[mintharasthrone]

more “gay” pages posting complete homophobic garbage claiming bisexual women are lesbians

#tra homophobia #drop the t & b #of course there’s a comment calling us actual lesbians trans/biphobic 🙄 #all lesbians are terfs bc homosexuality is only real if a woman is a feminist or political like what kind of homophobic logic #they think they’re so different than het men who argue all lesbians aren’t real and want a male and piv #the obsession with also equating toys to wanting a man is never ending #and i remember the poll here that showed most lesbians of course want to eat pussy most of all #and bi women wanted to use toys #like lesbians don’t want anything that looks like a dick when they have sex only bi women do and i know from experience #why the fuck would we #i wish people would stop fucking obsessing over and disecting how lesbians have sex and why #they always have to make it about males and dick #it’s socially acceptable to make creepy perverted comments always talking about or mocking lesbian sex #bi women are like why do lesbians hate us? you literally are with whole ass men calling yourselves lesbians and dykes and bonding over how #much you hate real lesbians and insinuating we aren’t real and can be fixed with conversion #therapy #people hate us so deeply for loving only women and only the female anatomy #they genuinely believe we can’t be happy being homosexuals and bring up toys as some kind of proof #the same people who can’t make women come unlike us

[atomicengineerdetective]

I've been watching Hazbin Hotel in prime. Just watched episode 5 and I gotta ask

Why, oh, WHY DON'T I SEE MORE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT "MORE THAN ANYTHING" WHEN TALKING ABOUT THE HAZBIN HOTEL MUSIC???

Like I get it, the song before it "Hell's Greatest Dad" Is a bop reminiscent of other music from the era its parodying. I loved it.

BUT why are you only putting clips of that song when this MASTERPIECE comes a few minutes after

I honestly don't even know where to begin with this song. The visuals are beautiful, especially when we get moments like this where you can just see the absolute LOVE this man has for her daughter is so sweet and Heartwarming I just-

The voices are fenomenal but what else can you expect from the broadway talents of Erika Henningsen and Jeremy Jordan.

There is also the whole Symbolism with passing the baton to the next generation and stuff. I- I can't even get into the specifics right now Im too emotional.

But above all else THE LYRICS

ESPECIALLY THAT LAST ONE

"I'M GRATEFUL YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER/FATHER MORE THAN ANYTHING"

DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY?? CAUSE I AM. I AM BAWLING MY EYES OUT RIGHT NOW.

It's just so fucking beautiful man. Probably the best song I will hear all year. Obviously my favorite from Hazbin.

#Call me Sir Pentious cause Im crying like a baby over here. #WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS GEM FROM ME. THIS ABSOLUTE DIAMOND #I didnt even mention lyrics like “I've been dying to find out who you are. looks like the apple doesnt fall far.” #“You are a part of who I am” “you are the only thing worth fighting for” that just BREAK ME #but oh well #BTW of course I was gonna watch and become obsessed with Hazbin Hotel. I am a theater kid that loves animation. It was like meant for me #could do with a little less obsenities but thats alright its a staple of the show #On another note I almost went insane when I found out lucifer was Jeremy Jordan. #Like its insane how that man always ends up in my obsessions. Newsies. Tangled the series. The Death Note Musical #(Im team L btw in death note but GOD Jeremy's singing made me reconsider for a milisecond in Where's the justice he is just THAT GOOD) #Erika I knew from the mean girls musical which I also deeply enjoy #its Insane the Talent this show brought in. my theater kid heart is ELATED #Last thing is I gotta say I LOVED Lucifer #Like I thought I was gonna hate him because everyone was talking about charlie's daddy issues #I thought he was gonna be neglectful and manipulative #BUT NO. He is a silly (little) father who just loves his daughter but doesnt know how to show it #And had DREAMS and AMBITION and fate in humanity. And he is just such a fun character to follow I had such a riot with this episode #Hazbin Hotel #charlie morningstar #lucifer morningstar #charlotte morningstar

[lunarharp]

figured i'd do this again..bit early i guess..

#to cheer me up.. i feel bad atm.. these things don't even make me feel very good tho bc i'm such a narrative/sketch-based artist.. #but Proper Beautiful Finished Pieces are what grab attention and look good at the end of the year all neatly lined up lol..... #so looking at a “yearly review” where i can only choose 'the best image of the month' (??) is like...What have i even been doing... #i did a month by month look back on twt for myself instead..but even that doesn't express the quantity of comic-based stuff.. #that i do put a lot of time/heart into..but alas i feel bad bringing even them back..RTing/reblogging my own art simply feels bad lol.. #AND WHY IS IT ALL B&W...trying to accept that i LIKE doing that and sketching and scribbling..not like i'm trying to like..Get Artist Job.. #this year was so profoundly lonely at times bc i spent all my time drawing instead of socialising and trying to find friends.... #please please please have achieved more of your dreams in the future so you can look back at 2023 and think.. #It was good that happened so that it got me further to the future. Or whatever i guess..................... #regardless i did have a great amount of fun drawing and improving this year and dwelling deeply & heavily on witch hat atelier. #art-wise and emotionally....march july & september were the best months i think..AUGUST WAS SO WEIRD SUMMER IS SO EVIL ALWAYS. #thank you very much if you are reading this for enjoying & leaving nice tags & such like <3 i've realised how fulfilling that is to receive #really keeps me posting stuff here instead of keeping it all to myself in my head #i wish everyone in this world could have a safe and happy end of year. i wish living in this world were easier

[neversetyoufree]

I started vnc way back when there was only one volume, stopped, and only restarted it last week 🙈 since then, I have reread it twice and will again, once I'm done with exams, as it has turned me insane. And since no one I know reads it, I just wanted to ask what your thoughts are on my theory that the reason not 'didn't reach out to vanitas' thus leading to his death is because of Ruthven compulsion on him? Cuzco after the 'ill never set you free'thing, I just can't see noel not reaching out tonight purpose. Your blog is a joy to read through, and I love your meta!

Hello!! Thank you so much! It's always great to see another person having fun with my favorite manga :D.

My thoughts on Vanitas's eventual death are. complicated. If we keep going down the path we're on now, I honestly suspect Vanitas's death is going to be more assisted suicide than murder. IE, Vanitas asks for Noé to kill him because it's preferable to the alternative.

Per Ruthven's compulsion, I definitely think it's going to come up, and I do like the idea of Ruthven trying to force Noé to hurt or kill Vanitas, but I don't think it's going to be how Vanitas dies. In a way, I think that would feel somewhat cheap.

Noé killing Vanitas because of his oath to Ruthven would make sense on a plot level. It's a nice, logical explanation for why Noé would kill someone he so clearly adores. I can see why it's a lot of people's theory! However, that explanation wouldn't really deliver on an emotional level. It's just not interesting for Noé's characterization.

For one thing, making Noé kill Vanitas when he's not in control of himself would strip away all of Noé's agency. With VnC's opening chapter, Mochijun sets us up so that the entire time we're reading, we're asking ourselves "but why will Noé kill him?" It's a big source of intrigue and suspense. And to me, finally resolving that suspense with "It's not his fault! He was artificially forced to!" feels like a major letdown. It adds nothing to Noé's character. It's answering that all-important "why" with "There is no reason why. He didn't actually want to." I think that would be a cop-out.

Through that denial of agency, I think this ending would also risk losing out on a lot of potential character development for Noé. The core of Noé and Louis's tragedy is that Noé desperately wanted to save Louis, but the only kind of salvation Louis wanted from him was death, and Noé couldn't give him that.

Now Noé has another person close to him that is also seeking salvation through death. If Noé kills Vanitas, but he's not in control of himself when he does, that misses out on a big opportunity. Has Noé come to understand salvation through death? Has his worldview changed since Louis made that request of him? Does he have it in him to kill a loved one if that's what they ask? If Vanitas's death is forced by Ruthven, then we're much less likely to get answers to those questions.

Personally, my favorite hope/theory for how Ruthven's order will play out is the idea that Ruthven will order Noé to hurt/stop/kill Vanitas, but Vanitas will manage to snap Noé out of it in the same way Noé broke Vanitas's self-hypnosis in the amusement park. There's nothing I love more than a gay little parallel.

I can see a scenario where Ruthven's oath is what pushes Vanitas close to death? Maybe Noé will be ordered to try to kill Vanitas, and that will set off whatever horrible chain of events pushes Vanitas to ask for death that final time. But even if Ruthven does order Noé to hurt Vanitas (which is a big if), I don't think it will be what causes the killing blow.

#I think I remember posting some of these thoughts before years ago #but I'm having trouble finding any relevant posts. so here's this instead. #anyway I always feel a little bad when people send me their theories and I end up arguing against them #thank you for the ask genuinely! #it's an interesting theory and I do see why people like it. even if I don't want it to happen for the listed reasons #vnc #vanitas no carte #the case study of vanitas #ask #anon #theory #the vanoé agenda #<<this isn't a ship post but that's my tag for everything about their relationship lol

[claitea]

porygonhd by @startistdoodles, a few doodles complete with gen 5 styled sprites!

#pokemon #porygon #clai's art #maybe i went a lil overboard but i just Really liked this concept haha #i actually have always been a little annoyed the porygon line ended at z yknow? #like dont get me wrong i love the whole porygon line but it was cool how porygon seemed to develop along with the games #so while it makes sense to stop since its a full three-pokemon evo line. why stop at a Glitched version? #i was looking at the porygon lines' bulbapedia pages while drawing this out of curiosity #and porygon-z's smash bros trophies suggest a patch was on the way. but that never happened :( #also fun thing to note is that porygon seems to have been made purely to poke fun at people lmao #bulbapedia says people told satoshi tajiri it was too late to make a game boy game and he should make games with 3d polygonal graphics #so instead he made porygon. which is techincally polygons as they told him but still in sprite form lmaooo #but does that not make right now and even better time to make an actual split-evo for porygon2? #since pokemon switched to full 3d ages ago why not commemorate that with a fixed up final porygon evo? #anyway thats my porygon rant haha #porygonhd is Such a perfect concept i would do anything to have this in a real game #EDIT: //DANG// THE SECOND AFTER I POSTED THIS I READ THE ASK ABT HOW HD CANT OPEN ITS WINGS HAJGHVDHGD #ah well. its cute here isnt it

[brookheimer]

Do you think the Logan abuse allegations might go into CSA territory? Unlike a lot of people I’m not 100% convinced roman experienced this, but people are speculating on Twitter that accusations of Logan’s physical and emotional abuse will snowball into CSA territory. If that’s the case I’d certainly imagine Logan was complicit rather than an abuser himself (if anyone probably uncle Mo?), but nevertheless shocking if it does come out

oooh i have a lot of thoughts about this actually!

personally, i'm with you -- i'm in the minority of people who don't think roman CSA is as good as canon, primarily because i don't think it needs to be in order for him to make sense. i think it's definitely possible and would certainly fit with his character, but a lot of people frame CSA as, like, The Explainer to roman roy which i just find kind of silly and cheap. people act like that's the only possible way he could turn out the way he has, and not only is that just blatantly untrue, it's also a pretty strange, diminishing narrative -- the way people talk about it really sounds like they're saying Well If You Have Sexual Dysfunction You Only Make Sense If Someone Molested You As A Child, which is just... not quite how things work. obviously, it's a reason someone might have those issues, but it certainly isn't the only one. i can write another post later on why i think rome makes sense outside of CSA if people want, but rn i'll just focus specifically on why i'm not convinced that CSA will become explicitly relevant to roman's character, especially not in relation to logan (and why i personally kinda hope that isn't the direction they take)

more under the cut!

for one thing just personally really doubt succession would make anything that explicit, that clear cut. like, i really don't think there's going to be a scene confirming or denying whether roman experienced CSA. and, as you said, i don't think logan was the abuser himself but i could see him covering it up for mo. maybe. i don't know. i don't know! it feels a little weird to me, honestly, just knowing logan's obsession with having power over his kids, his disgust at roman's grossness, and his blatant homophobia, it feels somewhat hard for me to conceptualize him not giving a shit about a colleague of his assaulting his son. i don't think he'd care for the right reasons, but i think he'd view it as either a) an attack on him and a disturbing power play -- you think you can take my kids out from under me? you think you can fucking control them? you?], b) absolutely fucking disgusting like the most sicko-ness of sickos -- not only are you attracted to m*n you're attracted to my weak little fuck of a son? what the fuck's wrong with you? are you not a man?, or c) both. like, idk. i just find it really hard to imagine that's something he would take lying down -- not out of protectiveness for roman but out of personal offense or pure disgust. i don't think he'd out it to the world or anything, he has his company to protect, but i think mo or whoever would definitely be cut out and shushed with hush money or something. which is still complicit, sure, but it isn't like i think logan would have actively turned a blind eye, which seems to be the prevailing opinion. it just... it doesn't fit from what we know of logan.

also, CSA is like.... it's inarguably bad. like, obviously. but succession thrives in realms of nuance. logan is abusive and horrible but you understand him. if you try to, you really can understand him. it doesn't excuse or justify anything, but he has a very human mindset that stops him from being, like, straight-up Evil. every succession character is a human before anything else, no one's a caricature (except maybe for s4 greg, but i'm withholding judgment there for now). succession fails if any character's deeds outweigh their humanity. no one is hitler. everyone thinks they're doing the best that they possibly can, including logan. that's why brian cox says logan's issue is he loves his kids too much -- he gets shit on for saying that, because i mean it does sound batshit, but i do get what he's saying. logan does not like his kids but he does love them. the reason he's so awful to them is because he loves them -- not in the sense that 'love is abuse' or whatever i'm about to get angry asks yelling ab, but because the only reason logan can't just let them go off and be disappointments is because he loves them. his abuse is not out of pure malevolence. it's because he wants them to become people they fundamentally aren't. that's what it comes down to. it's not just Evil Dad Hates Kids. logan wants so desperately for his children to become real people, people he can like and respect and trust and rely on, but they aren't those people, and that's something he's been entirely incapable of accepting. his abuse is an attempt to mold and to change and to fix, not just to punish. that's why the "i love you, but you are not serious people" was such an important line -- in some senses, it kind of was the end of logan's arc. it made a lot of sense for him to die there. where else could he go? he finally admitted what he'd known deep down all along: his children will never be the people he wants or needs them to be. no amount of pressure or competition or carrot-dangling will change that. he loves them, but they are not serious people.

that's why Logan CSA Committer/Allower feels really hard to imagine, both from a character standpoint and from a succession one in general — making logan an official CSA Allower would make it really, really hard for him to maintain the same kind of humanity and nuance he has as a character, which is rooted in the fact that logan doesn't hate his kids or want them to suffer. he wants them to become the peak of masculinist capitalism and none of them are capable of it. so if anything, he'd be furious at anyone who assaulted his kids because it would push them further from that ideal -- it would make them Wrong. if a boy were to be forced into sexual submission at a young age by an older man, they'd never be able to become that capitalistic ideal of masculinity; they're already fundamentally wrong. logan's anger would be directed both at the boy (roman) and at the man who forced it on him. but, to me, it seems like much of logan's anger with roman stems from his genuine lack of understanding as to how the fuck roman ended up like this -- how could a son of his end up like this? it's a personal failing for logan, one that he can't puzzle out. what did he do so wrong for roman to become the antithesis of literally everything logan stands for? i feel like if roman were a CSA victim and logan knew, he would probably... i don't know, try less to fix him. it's fucking awful, but i kind of feel like logan would find roman to be Tainted already and want to just shove him somewhere he doesn't have to look at him. but we see time and time again logan genuinely trying to squeeze the wrongness out of roman -- that's where his abuse of rome stems from, not so much molding him into the Right person as it is unmolding him out of being Wrong (bc only then can he do his ken/shiv tactics to mold him into being an heir) -- and try to understand in his misguided, cruel, offensive way what exactly is wrong with roman. i think if he knew, he wouldn't bother. he wouldn't ask, like "are you scared of pussy, son?" and "are you a sicko?" and call him gay slurs and all of that, because i think that would be too close to the truth he can't bear to acknowledge. just like how he pretends he had never and would never hit roman, even though he has, multiple times, both as a child and an adult. he wouldn't directly address something that brings shame to him, and having his son be the victim of CSA would indeed bring him a great deal of shame (not guilt, but shame). so, like, while it's true that logan's relationship with roman could be founded primarily in CSA-driven misdirected anger and victim blaming, i just again don't think that's necessary for their relationship to make sense, and that the nuances of their relationship almost make me feel like that's not the case either.

i also just personally think roman would maybe be more interesting were he not a CSA victim -- if it's confirmed that he is, everyone will be like Whelp Roman Solved! like, that would be all that's needed to explain him (or at least that's how people would act). and that would be such a fucking shame, man. i just think that there are a decent number of people in the world who have dysfunction not dissimilar to roman's who also aren't CSA victims and really, really struggle to figure out what exactly made them this way, especially when the entire world is acting like the only possible cause is CSA. and there are portrayals of CSA on television and in media. but... i can't think of anyone else like roman. i think him not having CSA and his dysfunction stemming instead from less obvious, more subtle-ly debilitating power dynamics and narratives of masculinity/sex would just be much more interesting, as even if succession handled his CSA with care, the majority of people would just see it as well, case closed, finally we understand roman. as if he isn't already perfectly understandable without it. maybe i'm just really biased as someone who thankfully did not experience CSA but seemingly inexplicably ended up quite similar to roman in a lot of ways, as someone who actually gets to feel a little more normal for once because of roman's abnormality. i just think there's a lot more to sex and sexual dysfunction than media often presents, because many storylines and characters are just very easy cause and effect relationships (CSA --> sexual dysfunction, rape --> hypersexuality, etc etc etc) when in reality there are so many ways that even tiny things could build up over time and end up manifesting in really detrimental ways. you can have a bad relationship with sex before ever having it, because sex is about soooo much more than the actual act of sex. and succession is about life and mirroring it, not creating easily understandable characters and narratively satisfying conclusions. so, yeah, i guess i don't know if succession will go down the CSA route, because that just feels... a little easy to me, maybe, when it doesn't need to be. not saying CSA is a bad plot point or anything, but that it is something depicted (and unfortunately often sensationalized) on television a lot, whereas characters with inexplicable sexual hangups are not.

i definitely hope this season delves further into roman's sexual dysfunction, but i'm kind of hoping it doesn't just explain it all away as Well He Was A Victim Of CSA, bc i think a) roman makes sense without it, b) the logistics of it happening relating to logan feel murky and confusing, c) succession isn't the type of show to outright Explain Things (and thank god), and d) there are a lot of people, i think, who have issues with sex they don't understand or that they don't 'deserve' to have, and i've never seen another character in any media that's depicted like that, although i have seen explorations into CSA.

sorry this was so long, but as i said, many fucking thoughts!!

#as always the thing about sending me asks is that chances are it will take me 4ever to respond but when i do it will be a fucking essay #if ppl want to know why i think rome makes sense without needing CSA as a backdrop i can write about that too at some point #tw csa #tw child abuse #tw sa #please let me know if there's anything yall want me to tag #succession #roman roy #logan roy #(ended up talking so mcuh ab logan here. can't believe i wrote fucking logan meta) #succession meta #casey shut the fuck up about roman roy #anon #asks