#why everything is so much all the time

[jinxwild19]

The cruelest thing about BPD is just how intense the emotions are. Because when I love…my gods it could file cities with the force of it, but the grief and sorrow, the hurt betrayal. It eats me. Burns me. The smallest things can set it alight. So much energy Begging to be released. Pleading. Craving. and I just sit there. doing my best to keep it all in.

It’s hard to know where I stand on so many things when it comes to my experience being human. It’s why I choose to be Queer. Because it is so much easier to love from afar. through stories. Through your friends. Because even though you love them deeply the stupidest thing can ignite flammable turmoil inside.

The cruelest thing about BPD is never knowing who you really are.

#jinx speaks #bpd vent #my post #wish I could go back and hug my you her self and just tell them I understand #I know what the words are to help you understand why you are so different #why everything is so much all the time #why existence continues to make you so worn out #why you care so much at such a young age #why you feel like everything around you is so catastrophic #I’m here for you #and you can be yourself and still be worthy of love and respect #and you never have to change who you are and do things you don’t want to do to gain affection

[ronanlynchbf]

tshirt that says NO LIVE ORGANISM CAN CONTINUE FOR LONG TO EXIST SANELY UNDER CONDITIONS OF ABSOLUTE REALITY

#i literally JUST finished hill house a few days ago and i already want to reread. Badly. it's sooo so so soo sooooooooo good <33333!!!!! #also completely enamored by shirley jackson's writing style i NEED to read everything she has written ever like right now.. #opening lines of ALL TIME btw 👆❗❗❗ #r.txt #the haunting of hill house #ALSO i've seen commentary videos on the tv show they made of hill house but from what i remember of it it's SO different from the book??? #i think they were all siblings in the show which is??????? like why would you change that part?? i love sibling relationships as much as the #next guy but i feel like the fact that none of them knew each other was such an essential part of the story like why would u change it.... #also eleanor was like. an entirely different character who was also already dead in the show i believe??? and dr. montague doesn't exist?? #hill house could've been really good as a show idk why they changed it up like that...like was the original story not interesting enough for #you or something?? WHO decided to make that change i just wanna talk 🤨

[zorionbbq]

sujimon, subzero sonata, redraws, etc!

#fanart #like a dragon #yakuza #yakuza spoilers #<- again not really but still #ALSO SPOILERS IN TAGS -> #apparently it's not normal to take 90398401 tries to beat the jima bros but i am simply built different #(goes in almost 20 levels too low with no group heal and refuses to grind until i die one million times) #and now so much plot is occurring AND [REDACTED] APPEARED FOR SOME REASON? HELLO??? I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT YOU!!!!! #ALL THE REMIXES ARE SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD GOODNESS GRACSIOUS #Y7 AND ICHIBAN ARE. EVERYTHING (PLANET EXPLOSION NOISE) #also why is saejima's face the hardest thing to draw ever i can't get it right at all.... doesn't help that everyone got smoothed

[turtleblogatlast]

Fun little silly thought I had about the Lair Games and specifically Leo deliberately losing is all the reasons he could have for doing so.

My favorite headcanon for his main motivation is that Splinter wasn’t proud of him anymore.

I imagine that, in the beginning, winning the Lair Games was Leo’s opportunity to shine. He wasn’t artistic or the baby of the family like Mikey, wasn’t a tech genius who created amazing inventions like Donnie, wasn’t the eldest who was insanely strong and dependable like Raph. So he had to shine somewhere else- anywhere else- and what better way to get attention than to be a winner? A champion?

And then he won too much. And it wasn’t special anymore. He got too big headed, too cocky, he knew this was his element and he ran with it.

Splinter’s words of congratulations slowly petered out. Suddenly, there was no real reason to win.

Winning feels empty when the only one cheering you on is yourself.

So- Leo schemed. And he’s a great schemer, fooling his whole family (and Donnie did deserve a win- people were way happier when he won.)

He even gave up his prized possession! His room!

Though he knows his brothers probably think it’s a bad prize. A terrible one, even.

Leo doesn’t sleep much as is, though. So Dad’s snores were more comforting than anything. It was reassuring to hear him so clearly alive and close by.

Even if the distance between them was larger than Leo’d like.

He’d just have to find something else, something more to show his dad that Leo was someone to trust, to be proud of, to love.

He gets his chance soon after, when he needs to pull off a plan against Big Mama at his dad’s side. Leo can only hope this victory is one that has a lasting effect when his father looks at him with pride once more.

Victory, for Leo, is a pretty loaded term.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt leo #rottmnt headcanons #rise leo #everything Leos do almost always ties back to Splinter send tweet #anyway imo if I was Leo winning every lair game I would be bored as hell #and add on to my own dad joining in with my brothers on being disappointed when I do well? #yeeaaah id be my own biggest fan too #tbh Leo’s big brain plays both in Lair Games and Many Unhappy Returns are his real victories #I will say I was proud of Donnie for doing so well! #he deserves a win definitely #but looking at this from Leo’s perspective and realizing this is JUST before the ‘why don’t any of you trust me’ line hurts #wanna make this hurt more? #how about Leo purposefully wanting to lose…but he was a bit miffed that DONNIE out of anyone won #why? #because Leo makes jokes all the time but Splinter says DONNIE is the funny one #because althroughout Many Unhappy Returns Splinter says how he’d prefer if DONNIE were there instead of Leo #makes me wonder y’know? if there’s any scratchy feelings there #nothing that Leo has against Donnie so much as the assumption that Splinter would prefer him over Leo #which if I was Leo…I’d definitely think so even if Splinter absolutely loves his sons equally #just as Donnie probably assumes the opposite as well #splinter bro plz talk to your sons #but yeah victory for Leo imo is equivalent to acknowledgement #just *seeing* him #so he very easily gets wrapped up in the obsession for being the champion #*lou jitsu* always wins and Splinter wants them more like Lou Jitsu so LEO has to always win or… #or…

[renshengs]

pointing at tim drake every time he shows up anywhere like "this is my perfect special boy he has 1000 mental illnesses and 50000 instances of unresolved trauma and he is being so cool and calm and collected about all of it. he has never had a normal thought or experienced a normal emotion his entire life."

#tim: i'm acing this shit #everyone else: tim when was the last time you like. sat down and relaxed #tim: haha why would i do that when there's so much to be done all the time and i need to be on top of everything that has ever happened #tim drake #sheng says stuff #dc

[scificrows]

Okay, my brain refuses to think about anything other than Murderbot, so I looked at every use of the word "friend[s]" in TMBD and... created some pie charts. Normal human activities.

Some Thoughts™ I had while putting this together (under the cut):

In All Systems Red, Murderbot notes that the PresAux crew are all close friends (twice! and goes on to explain their internal relationships which I think is very cute). This is pretty much the only use of 'friends' in ASR, except for when Murderbot says that SecUnits can't be friends with each other.

It seems that this may be one of the first times Murderbot has ever really been around a group of friends before? Murderbot notes that this is not the norm for its contracts and admits that the fact that they are all friends and the way they interact with each other make it actually enjoy that contract (before!!!! the hostile attack, so it already enjoys this contract before they start seeing it as a person etc ghghhhh). [Inference: Friendship seems enjoyable.]

The first character that calls Murderbot its friend is ART in Artificial Condition. Murderbot immediately refutes this (and then goes on to call ART its friend to its clients for the rest of the book). [Inference: Maybe ART is Murderbot's friend. And maybe that is... agreeable]

Rogue Protocol has more than twice as many instances of the word 'friend' as any of the other novellas. Why? Miki. Friendship and its implications for non-humans are a central theme because Miki is friends with everyone. Murderbot initially scoffs at the notion that Miki and Miki's humans are friends. At the end of the book, after witnessing how desperately Don Abene tried to stop Miki from trying to save them, and her grief after its death, Murderbot has to admit that she had in fact been Miki's friend. [Inference: Humans can be friends with bots and can sincerely care about them]

In Exit Strategy, Murderbot tentatively uses the word "friends" for its humans for the first time (several times actually). It questions whether it can actually call them its friends or not and later realizes that it had been afraid what admitting that the humans are its friends would do to it. At the end of the book, Mensah tells Murderbot the PresAux crew are its friends, which is the first time a human has directly said that to it (at least on-page). [Inference: Humans can and want to be Murderbot's friends]

In Network Effect, Murderbot seems to be more habituated to the word 'friend', confidently calling ART and Ratthi its friends, like it is no longer just trying the concept on unsure if it fits. There are many instances in which other characters refer to MB as ART's friend or the other way around and Murderbot's humans refer to Murderbot as their friend several times. Generally, there seems to be less hesitancy, because yes, all of them are Murderbot's friends, why wouldn't they be. [Inference: SecUnits can have friends. This SecUnit has friends. They care about it a lot.]

Conclusion: The Murderbot Diaries tell the story of a construct that does not seem to consider the possibility of friendship for itself and is fine with that - until it accidentally starts caring a little too much and suddenly more and more people annex it as a friend (ew) to the point where it can no longer deny that this is happening and has to begrudgingly admit that yes, it has friends now and maybe that is actually not a bad thing.

#the murderbot diaries #murderbot #𓄿 #hi i'm READY to write a thesis about murderbot i am having way too much fun with this #i created a pretty excel spreadsheet and everything #i don't know why i did this but now i can look at them while i think about this more! so i figured i'd share them haha #i didn't count uses of 'friendly' but special shoutout to when MB is all alone in its cold cubicle missing 20% of its body mass #and starts putting on a show because 'the friendly noise would keep it company' 😭😭 #i feel sick thinking about murderbot all alone on its own not knowing what its like to have friends watching media for 'the friendly noise' #also YES okay i wanted to make a point about miki there but i just #couldn't bring myself to talk about that more so... yeah #also uhhh this data is very subjective #i didn't count particularly ironic uses of 'friend' and generally did not count every instance of friend and sometimes it was a hard call #also i probably shouldn't have counted the times murderbot refered to drones or secsystems as its friends (often after hacking them) #but murderbot does seem to care about them and shows kindness and respect and sometimes points out that a system is friendly #so while i don't think MB means “friend” in the same way referring to them as when it refers to ART for instance #i still think its CUTE and also kinda funny how many times that happened so i decided to keep those!!! #but yeah take my data with a grain of salt lol

[cosmicdreamgrl]

pretty in pink 🩷 for @cordiallyfuturedwight [ cr: 0613data, namuspromised ]

#btsedit #btsgif #seokjinedit #dailybts #usersky #userpat #userines #userdimple #usersevn #raplineuser #uservans #annietrack #rjshope #nuggettracks #usermizuoka #trackofthesoul #seokjin #*mine #it's already the 24th here so i figured why keep this to myself any longer #wishing you the happiest of birthdays in advance love #i can't tell you how grateful i am to call you a friend & to have gotten to know you better in recent times #i appreciate every call concert watch tagged post etc. more than you know #i love you so much & what better colour to represent that in all honesty #i hope you have a wonderful day today & also tomorrow & i hope it's filled with nothing but joy & everything good 😘💗

[simplykorra]

ava + her gay little hat - part I

#ava silva #warrior nun #warriornunedit #avatrice #avatriceedit #avasilvaedit #alba baptista #honestly tho #like #she's my favorite character of all time #i think it's easy to say it when you're caught up in a fandom #but ava's past resonates with me so much #it's why i enjoy writing her so much #but also her endless embracing of life #the fact that she finds love and family for the first time in twelve years and fights for it with everything she has #not to mention how beautifully portrayed she is by alba #it's the perfect storm of a character and she's my favorite #also the hat is so fucking cute i can't stand it #bea bought her that hat #i will take that to my grave

[stuckinapril]

the neurologist i shadow is so funny bc she has a valley girl accent and yet she's the smartest person in the room. this woman was casually doing case consenus ab a man w frontotemporal dementia in the highest girliest voice imaginable. i want to be her i think

#case consensus is basically where several neurologists/doctors meet to decide what the patient's case actually is #im genuinely not sure why this medical center does it this way but they write down data on paper THEN input it into the digital system #which i have qualms w bc i feel like it wastes so much time #but literally my whole role at this internship is inputting this data into the system so i should probably be grateful they do it this way #but in that one meeting everyone was all over the place so this at the ending of the meeting this woman goes #“that... was frantic.” #in the most valley girl accent known to man #and ever since ive integrated this as my response to everything #youre right. that WAS frantic #she also was like “sorry im unfocused. need lunch rly bad” at one point during the meeting #this neurologist is just like the rest of us fr

[uncanny-tranny]

If I'm honest, the whole "love in every stitch" saying for fiber artists does not apply to me, like. I'm trying to get this fucking hook into stubborn yarn and I'll be stabbing it like it owed me money. Is that love because I hope not 😭💀

#art #crochet #honestly the closest thing i feel to love when crocheting is this feeling that this is bigger than me if that makes sense... #...i think it'sthe feeling of knowing how old the craft itself is and knowing that millions of people have done the same as you... #...millions of people have stabbed their crochet hook into the yarn because it's stubborn but so are you... #...millions of people in the past have sat and devoted their time and effort into all of this... #...millions of people have passed on this knowledge and kept this thing alive... #...and it's the feeling of knowing that humans across millenia aren't THAT different #to our core we are more or less similar - across the ages across the colours across everything. that really comforts and humbles me #have you looked up ancient textiles? because that also sparks these emotions in me #it makes me think about the tupes of people to make the textile but also about who wore it #and so many of them are still beautiful and colourful and it shows you SO MUCH about the people who made them #even the ones that are tattered and faded and stripped of colour still feel beautiful... #...because it has SURVIVED. it is evidence of a people who made it and a people who had technical skills #and THIS is why i HATE HATE HATE the idea that ancient people were just 'dumb' and 'uneducated' #that is so unfair to them and cruel and just. wrong. (and often it reeks of white supremacy) #i'm sorry i rant and rave about this so much but i canNOT be normal about this. i can't be normal about humanity #i am learning to love humanity and learn about us and learn everything and it'll never be enough - i will never know enough #i will never know everything about everybody and it will be the death of me #okay the only thing i liked about the greatest showman movie was Never Enough because that is me thinking about all this

[blueskittlesart]

nintendo hire me i have tons of marketable skills like uhh *checks notes* drawing your characters wrong

#honest to god i drew this link thinking like 'there's no way this is gonna be that bad right' and then i pulled up his model. god #babygirl you are everything to me but why the fuck are your eyes like that. ugly hot king #also fully forgot that i never actually use the eyedropper for his hair bc i think it looks better w a redder tone #OR HIS EYES LMAOOO i always just use the champion's tunic blue even tho they are very much 2 different colors #zelda is a liiiiitle closer i think but i had to draw skinny zelda for this which hurt me a little bit #it is interesting to think abt the features i subconsciously choose to emphasize tho bc like. in my mind her hair clips ARE that big #but theyre rlly. actually not that big an element of her design LMAO #same w link's ponytail. logically i know it doesnt actually stick out like that but i desperately need to know its there at all times #also why the fuck are their model noses so small. i just noticed that. anime has done irreparable damage to the state of noses in art #anyway. #skribbles

[lunarharp]

pretty & cute witch men

#witch hat tag #orufrey #i'm not drawing as much or as well as i'd like to be doing. i'm trying to get through a comic i've been really wanting to do #but i'm just finding it so hard. disheartening. btw the 2nd one relates to some official art of qif wearing a dress like the girls #and the 4th one relates to how i've been drawing EXTREMELY SMALL for years. idk how to explain it but i always clicked 'fit to screen' #and so all my art EVER has looked bad when you zoom in bc it's already like size 1 zoomed in to the MAX pfhgguguhfpfhGHAHHHHH #i was so confused allll this time why brushes always look different for me than what they're supposed to #'wow this brush is so jaggedy..really rather jaggedy...calling it the Jagged Cai Special..bringing it out for those jaggedy moments.. #really quite jaggedy i must say...' and it's literally not jaggedy #but now i have to get used to how all those brushes that i'd gotten used to indeed look how they're supposed to finally. Alarming #I have simply been working out absolutely everything by myself for years and that's why my technical progress is slow #ppl say my progress is fast and i certainly have improved much since i began doing all this but #like..it took me a year and half to start using a program where i could Colour In The Lines aka the..whatever it's called. whatever.. #just on my lonely confused solemn journey to express gay love better than yesterday.. -_- *picks up my pack n continues through the snow* #btw thank you sm for people's kind words enjoying my narumitsu art & fic over the christmas & new year period <3

[sharkneto]

what about five made him ur blorbo…

Man, what made Five my guy.

There’s the surface level stuff – he hits a lot of tropes I love. Asshole with a heart, competent in everything but people, an assassin who gets cool fights to good music, teleports, last man in the world, has a fucked up wife situation. He’s a fifty-eight-year-old man who looks thirteen, that concept right there has so much to work through, all by itself.

All of that is really fun stuff, but under all of that, I think I can sum up why Five hit so hard with just that he has heart. The show could have gone the route of comic!Five – unredeemable bastard of a tiny man. That would have been fun, I love comic!Five, but he works better on a comic book page, where things can be more 2D. The change the show made – maybe on accident – is that show!Five loves an incredible amount, and that’s what hooked me hard. Sure, some of this is fan interpretation, but I think it’s got moments in-show to back it up. One of his first moves he made, when stuck in the apocalypse, was to make Delores – he has her within a few days of landing there. She says so much about him the second we meet her in the show - shorthand to tell us just how bad the apocalypse was, and that, when faced with nothing, Five makes a person he has to take care of. With that, he survived four decades as the last person on earth in dystopian hell before he could get back to save the world – so he says, at least, but he has always prioritized his siblings. They're his world. He’s not great at saying it, but he’s a man of action and his actions speak very loudly.

With all that love, comes a lot of grief, which is actually what keeps me going with Five. I’m pretty open that I’ve had a lot of grief in my life. I’m doing better, it’s been a number of years now, but grief doesn’t go away, and Five is an incredible vehicle for playing with and processing grief. Experiencing it, growing from it, moving on with life around it. And Five has so many layers of grief to play with. There’s the grief for his family who he found dead when he was 13, grief for the world because it all ended, grief for the life he lost, grief for the life he had to live, grief for what he’s had to do, grief for his body and his situation. How do you keep going and move on after experiencing such loss? I find it both cathartic and motivating to think about and sit in that space.

He's a walking tragedy and I adore him for it. Character of all time.

#another post that goes around says it well #in that the show does such a good job of letting five both be Cool (assassin! time traveler!) and just a weird old guy #they could have made him Cool to go with the assassin stuff but instead he wears stupid hats and wants to see big balls of twine #it's such a good character choice and humanizes him so much #a thing i love is just the force of *humanity* #which is why the wedding at the end of the world is one of my favorite things in s3 - it's just /such/ a human thing to do #have a wedding in the face of the end of everything. make up a wife and live best you can in the apocalypse. #the human spirit is indomitable and five carries that in spades #character of all time #tua #shark's tua thoughts #number 5 #ask response

[nylongenesis]

Here’s the thing about Timothy stoker

here it is the tim post

People who say tim is an asshole are partially correct.

People who say tim is ‘toxic’ are INCORRECT.

I am very strongly about this because. listen to me. okay.

SPOILERS UP TO TMA SEASON 3 AHEAD

Imagine BEING timothy stoker. After whats probaboy the secondmost traumatizing experience of your life in which you almost die if not by the worms then by the MEDICAL EMERGENCY (respiratory acidosis is a medical emergency :3) your body was put into- plagued with nightmares and the pain of your body being covered in holes and your medical issues, you come back to the archives expecting to see your best friend, That will make it all better. It’ll be so worth it once you can see her again.

And then she acts so distant. And you dont know why.

And you have just lost your friendship. The one that’s kept you going this whole time. The one you were starting to believe might have been unbreakable. And you Don’t. Know. Why.

Eventually after many failed attempts to reconnect, you resign yourself to the fact that she just got tired of you. That you were right this whole time. That she just pitied you. You still don’t know what you did wrong and it’s eating you alive, but she won’t tell you, so you have to settle with pretending to be glad that she’s at least alive, All while your boss is literally going insane and STALKING YOU???

Only to find out after a YEAR of believing you were just unlovable that this person? The person youve been trying to ‘reconnect’ with? That isnt your best friend, Your best friend dies and you never noticed. How could you not notice? But when you see the real picture of her she feels like a stranger and you realize you have no fucking escape from your horrible, unforgivable sin of forgetting your friend. Because no matter what you do, trying to look back at your memories, that *thing* is there instead. You can’t even enjoy your memories before she died.

So you sit there, alone and afraid. Angry, grieving, everything else. What are you supposed to do but make the thing that has haunted you since the disappearance of your Brother feel the kind of pain it is making you feel?

Tim isn’t toxic. Hell I wouldn’t even say he’s that much of an asshole.

He’s a hurt child.

Mentally, especially in season three, he’s having the equivalent of a child’s breakdown. The kind they have when they don’t know how to express the emotions they’re feeling. These emotions- this grief, this anger, this pain- it’s so big, it’s so much, and he feels so small, so incapable and weak, and he cannot properly handle it. He cannot cope. Especially since he’s still somewhat trapped in who he was when his brother was taken.

Now im not saying the way he went about this is at all great, but yknow. Everyone forgives reactions to trauma until they’re personally inconvenient or ugly.

Tim lost everything, and honestly i would be pretty damn similar if I was in his position! That’s DEVASTATING.

In the end, there’s such a horrible tragedy to his entire character that goes almost entirely unnoticed unless you’re like me and you’re insane and overanalyze someone based on one word in an extra audio thats not in the podcast.

Anyways, that’s why I love Tim.

#tma #tma podcast #tma spoilers #the magnus archives #timothy stoker #timsasha #if you squint #He makes me ill #Jonny you absolute madman stop writing so well #every time I think abt tma i just get really upset #this is why the fandom is all shitposts #long post #character analysis #This whole thing stemmed from the audio of tim at sashas grave #specifically the part where he goes #‘I just thought you had finally gotten tired of me or something’ #That ‘finally’ is EVERYTHING. you dont understand. #It says SO MUCH about him and his true self in ONE WORD #Tim is a guy who copes w his horrific trauma and fear of vulnerability by making jokes and it shows. #I miss him.

[turrondeluxe]

Was it love at first sight for Mikey and the tots? Did it take Mikey some time to warm up to them? Super cute AU!!

It was kind of hectic when Mikey saw the tots for the first time ever, while also being emotionally stunted, so the warming up is kind of a slow but surely process!

#GOING TO WRITE A BIT IN HERE SO SIT DOWN #SO #in the comics its not really said exactly how long after mikeys death casey marie produced the babies SO its my city now #in the au casey marie was actually planning on creating the tots from way before meeting mikey #so after mikey gets nearly killed by hiroto she just thinks that the babies are their safest bet on a fighting chance and basically #speed runs the creation of the tots ALL WHILE mikey is still healing and bed ridden #so when mikey does find out about the babies and why they were created (by casey happily telling him); hes actually still hurt and not yet #fully recovered from his nearly fatal wounds #again casey marie basically speed run the tots but she still had everything planned (im aware of the fact that ronin mikey heals very fast) #so then proceeds the mikey talk with april and the whole lair getting set on fire bit and consequently mikey running away with the babies #so the first time mikey ever saw the babies he had not much time to process his feelings #and general ideas except for Need to Get Away With Them #peepaw and babies au #doodles #tmnt #tmnt the last ronin #the las ronin lost years #tmnt odyn #tmnt yi #tmnt uno #tmnt moja #tmnt mikey #tmnt michelangelo #ask #my art

[introspectivememories]

high school timber is all about repression!!!

it's about bernard desperately trying to prove to himself and his parents that he's straight!! because his parents already don't like him and he cannot be gay. not now not ever!!!! so he puts up this front of a ladies man and he picks a girl he cant ever get together with and maybe he kisses like 3/4 of the female population at grieves and gains a reputation but hey! at least he's not gay! but he's so caught up in making sure his eyes don't to stick too long on tyrone's face or michael-from-biology's eyes or kabir-from-study-hall's thick thighs that even his attraction to women is under a filter. and it's not that he doesn't like women, he does! very much so!! but it's that he's soo caught on not being perceived as gay that he cant show his attraction to women the way he'd like to. it's all under this filter of what he thinks Real Men who are attracted to women act like so it's this brash, loud, crass, thing and it's not him at all. it's "ooh tim, ms. winters is soooo hot!" or "hey kayla, why don't you and i get to know each other a little better, if you know what i mean?" or "god her tits are soo big. she's so fucking hot!" and all this other shit when he really means, "tim, why the fuck does your stepmom have such a pretty smile?" or "kayla, you said you liked yugioh? i'd love to hear more about it!" or "god fuck, that girl has such pretty hands. i think if i held them i'd combust." but none of that is how a Real Man likes women so he shuts that shit down before it even has a chance to come up. it's fine, he's fine. so what if no one ever holds him like he holds those girls? it's fine. he'll take the manwhore label and the fuckboy title and he'll give out as many kisses as those girls want and if sometimes when he's kissing a girl he wonders what it'd be like to sit on kabir's thighs or if tyrone's lips really are as soft as they look, that's just the devil speaking. and if sometimes when he walks back into the cafeteria at lunch, lipstick still smudged on the corner of his mouth, after making out with a girl and his eyes skirt over tim's lithe body and he wonders what it'd be like to draw out the same sounds he's heard girls make when he kisses them, or what it'd be like to brush his thumb over tim's hands, or what it'd be like to hold tim or press a kiss to his shoulder, or a million and one other things, well that'll just have to be another one his secrets.

and it's about tim who's in a relationship with stephanie and his dad knows he's robin and he doesn't have time to figure out why his mouth goes dry when the light hits bernard's hair just right. he's too busy trying to figure out a way back to his nightlife. and so what if bernard has pretty pink lips that look very plush? so what if he's looked at some of his teammates and thought they were handsome? he's not blind!!! he has a girlfriend! and he loves her! and so what if his hand brushes bear's during fourth-period bio? so what if the tingles last all day? it was just some static! and it doesn't matter that when bear laughs his eyes get squinty and they water over -- cause bear always laughs so hard he almost cries -- and it sounds like bells. and it doesn't even matter, that sometimes when bernard walks back into the lunchroom, 10 minutes before the bell rings, lipstick smeared across the corner of his mouth, lips tilted up in the most charming smirk he's ever seen, that his chest fills with jealousy. it doesn't matter that his hands clench into fists so hard that his nails leave crescents marks all day. it doesn't matter that he wants to be bear's flavor of the day, week, month, whatever. he wants to leave the lipstick marks!! he wants to know if bear really is as good as he hears the girls speak about!!! he wants to know "that thing bernard does with his tongue!" is! he wants to drape himself over bear the same way he sees those girls do! he wants to know what bear's hands feel like gripping his waist. he wants, wants, wants!!! but it doesn't matter. it doesn't. he's got a girlfriend, her name is stephanie, she's gorgeous and, most importantly he loves her. he's too busy for bernard anyway.

#oh my god #what is this #but in all honesty #hs!timber really is all about the repression #they both have so much going in their lives at that moment that they do Not have time to explore bisexuality #bear falls first (into bisexuality) & tim falls harder (into bisexuality) #meaning bear attends a few gsa meetings/reads a few pamphlets/comes out to a few friends and slowly settles into being bi #meanwhile tim wakes up one night in a cold sweat stumbles to the bathroom and thinks to himself 'oh my god i like dick too' #and this isn't to say that tim was cheating on steph emotionally! it's just sometimes he looks at bear and.... wonders #bear on the other hand.... that man was halfway in love with tim during hs and i truly believe that #darla gets a text one night from tim and all it says is 'did you notice that bear put on pink lipgloss today?' #and darla immediately texts back 'is this why you wont go out with me?' #and tim instantly realizes how gay that initial text sounded #anyway tim seething over bear's new girl of the week while bear is doing everything he can to not read into tim's arm around his shoulder #also #demisexual!tim truthers rise!!!!! #anyway #dc #bernard dowd #tim drake #timber #timbern