It hurts. It hurts so incredibly fucking badly not to be able to reach out, to help, to do anything when you’re feeling like this, but I’m so fucking incredibly proud of you, you have no idea.
No, you can’t.
You can’t rely on me, or him, or anyone else to distract you or make you feel better. You have to fucking feel it and you have to reason with it and you, yourself, have to make you peace with it. No one and nothing can help you with that.
I’m glad you’re venting. Letting it out. Letting yourself feel it. Please, do that, reason with it, don’t fall into that fucking pit again. You want to, but you won’t. And you can’t. And you don’t want to.
Why is being alone so hard? You have demons clawing their way up your throat, down your back. You’ve been running and you can’t do that forever. You’ve been throwing substances and us, people you love, at them, but you have to fight them. Really actually fight them. Let people be there for you, let us be there for you, but YOU have to fight them, not us. I love you. I’m proud of you and I know you can do it.
And Juniper? You’re not good. You’re neutral. A vessel evil worked through, yes. But that which posessed you wasn’t your own will. You may have wanted to impress him, keep his attention his love his…whatever. That’s manipulation you idiot. Unless you’d tell me what I did, what I’ve never told anyone, that our ///// //// // // ////// // //////. //// / //////// // ///////, // ///////. Unless you’d call me bad, too. It hurts. I want to tell you, like I’ve never wanted to tell anyone. I won’t. You’d hate me. But you’d know that…well. I’ll never understand but I do, also, in a…I guess a smaller way.
I can’t fix this, I can’t fight them. They’re not mine. We’re waging our own wars and they hurt, they’re painful and I keep wanting to…to make myself the bigger problem, to make it all seem trivial because of what I could do, now, but it’s.
We’re not good. We’re neutral, and we have to…to put the work in, to be good. Just like I do, to be bad. I’m losing my train of thought. I love you. Keep fighting, please.