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#you have to

It hurts. It hurts so incredibly fucking badly not to be able to reach out, to help, to do anything when you’re feeling like this, but I’m so fucking incredibly proud of you, you have no idea.

No, you can’t.

You can’t rely on me, or him, or anyone else to distract you or make you feel better. You have to fucking feel it and you have to reason with it and you, yourself, have to make you peace with it. No one and nothing can help you with that.

I’m glad you’re venting. Letting it out. Letting yourself feel it. Please, do that, reason with it, don’t fall into that fucking pit again. You want to, but you won’t. And you can’t. And you don’t want to.

Why is being alone so hard? You have demons clawing their way up your throat, down your back. You’ve been running and you can’t do that forever. You’ve been throwing substances and us, people you love, at them, but you have to fight them. Really actually fight them. Let people be there for you, let us be there for you, but YOU have to fight them, not us. I love you. I’m proud of you and I know you can do it.

And Juniper? You’re not good. You’re neutral. A vessel evil worked through, yes. But that which posessed you wasn’t your own will. You may have wanted to impress him, keep his attention his love his…whatever. That’s manipulation you idiot. Unless you’d tell me what I did, what I’ve never told anyone, that our ///// //// // // ////// // //////. //// / //////// // ///////, // ///////.  Unless you’d call me bad, too. It hurts. I want to tell you, like I’ve never wanted to tell anyone. I won’t. You’d hate me. But you’d know that…well. I’ll never understand but I do, also, in a…I guess a smaller way.

I can’t fix this, I can’t fight them. They’re not mine. We’re waging our own wars and they hurt, they’re painful and I keep wanting to…to make myself the bigger problem, to make it all seem trivial because of what I could do, now, but it’s.

We’re not good. We’re neutral, and we have to…to put the work in, to be good. Just like I do, to be bad. I’m losing my train of thought. I love you. Keep fighting, please.

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Soon Youll Get Better

So @taylorswift s new album Lover dropped at Midnight for the East coast, 11pm for us in central time zone.

So I listened to a few of the new songs ive not heard yet. But i really wanted to hear the Dixie Chicks collab/song on this album. I heard it was written about Andrea Swift, Taylors mom whos fighting cancer a 2nd time.

I cant even imagine all that family is going though at the moment dealing with.

Listening to this song…a lyric line in it would be my worst fear…like how Taylor said Scooter owning her masters was her “worst case scenario”

“Who am I supposed to talk to, what am I supposed to do if theres no you”

This lyric is my “worst case scenario”. With my mom bein in her sixties…there are moments when i sit and think…what will life feel like once im on my own, alone. 😞 My mom and I say all the time, “its her and I against the world” with all the stuff that we have gone through and struggled with.

Shes my best friend, shes who I try and watch out for and work had to protect.

I know one day it wont be her and I anymore….and yes, that scares me sometimes. What will I do if theres no her to talk to and to face the world with?

I think this is the only @taylorswift song that has actually made me cry a little…which for a #Tomboy like me….thats hard to do. Its not one of those ugly cries moments…..ive only done that once in the last three years.


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hey kiddos, i’m in an angry mood because i’ve been reading about ICE raids on twitter and i just wanted to tell everyone 18+ in america that are also angry about this and who also want to effect change that you have have HAVE to get up and go out and vote. vote for democrats, vote for democrats in everything. do some research, but at this point, if you want things to change, you have to vote. if you don’t vote, the old people will, and the same thing that happened in 2016 will happen in 2020. trump is running again and is most likely going to become the republican nominee so you HAVE to vote. i’m begging you. vote for your brothers and sisters in the concentration camps. vote for the females of alabama. vote for the fish in the ocean. vote for the lgbtq+ community. use your voice, use your power, and please vote.

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