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oklahomiebydesign · 1 year

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Blogging is tough at 34. Or maybe I feel like my life isn't nearly exciting enough to share with the world as it was when I was 16. Regardless, I am struggling to create this introductory post.

For some of you, no true introduction is necessary. Same asshole, different day. For others.... Hi! My name is Casey. If you have made it this far, I am an asshole :)

Okay awkward joking because I'm uncomfortable out of the way now? Good. Let's get down to the nitty gritty.

This website is something I have wanted to do for a long time and have attempted many times. But my inner doubt always gets the best of me. "Why would anyone want to read about your life?" "Get over yourself" "No one cares" "You don't have time, anyway, give up before you start." Those, and many more negative thoughts that pop into my head may be true. Or they may not be. Does it matter? Why do I care?

I don't care anymore. If you are here, you chose to take time out of your day to enter my world. The only time wasted here is yours. Experience gained? I don't know. But thank you for stopping by.

I feel like blogging has always helped me get to the other side of things that bother me. I was a teenager in my room clicky clacking away on my keyboard instead of learning how to properly human. I shared stories of every concert adventure I had. Every heart that got broken. Everything ended up on my Myspace and then eventually Tumblr. Somewhere along the way, I drifted away from my social media presence. I post on Facebook every now and again, but everything else went abandoned. (Including my twitter that had 69k tweets. It was hacked and I never gained access to it again. That one still hurts). I guess that comes with age. Life stopped being so exciting. I started by career. I entered into relationship (still going strong!) I moved forward with my life. I grew up. I got boring. I got complacent. I grew my leg hairs long and stopped doing my makeup. No one gives a shit about those things. Why share?

But I need the outlet. Whether or not people even visit this site. This is a place for me. Visitors to my little world are just a perk.

2022 was a really off year for me. I allowed myself to completely disconnect from things that are important. I isolated myself from friends, allowed my career to suffer, and fell into depression cycle after depression cycle. It was rough. I am out on the other end though, almost free and clear of the heaviness that consumed me for a year. Let's be real. It started more than a year ago. Pandemicpression hit us all differently, but none of us escaped unscathed. What a sad, scary thread to be united by.

I am so ready to move upward though. Ready to put that darkness behind me. Ready to venture back out into the world and slay the way I know I can. If you want to hang out with me through this journey, I would love to have you. There will be posts just rambling away. Posts about my weightloss journey, which is something I am putting on the front burner along with my career this year. And also posts pushing my side hustle. Life is hard. Extra money is extra money. (Don't worry. You won't find my feet pic, or any ~spicy~ content. But $20 is $20 🤣)

If you do stick around, welcome to the shit show. Let's chat.

#blog #website #lifestyle #rant #side hustle #ramblings #happiness #upward momentum #weightloss #words #BODi #Depression #Heavy #tldr

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 11 months

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317 of 2023

Relatable Pinterest Posts 13! [True or False]

Created by joybucket

Being sensitive is not a weakness. Where I am right now is NOT where I will be forever. I'm not where I want to be, but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be. Stop fighting yourself and start fighting FOR yourself. Success is the best revenge. Real girls are never perfect, and perfect girls are never real. The move you're afraid to make could be the one that changes everything. You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick. Life is way too short to spend another day at war with yourself. Pretending to be a functioning adult is so exhausting. I used to be a people person....but people ruined that for me. Back in the day, you knew who your real friends were. 'Cause they would rank you, in order of importance, on MySpace. Well, here I am, cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.... I take comfort in knowing that people younger than me look older than me. I notice everything. I just act like I don't. Positivity is not a cure for chronic illness. Reality & honesty about symptoms is not negativity. Today will be one of those days where even my coffee needs coffee. ☕️ Life begins after coffee. ☕️ Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell. Families are like fudge--mostly sweet, with a few nuts. Friends welcome. Family by appointment only. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. -Joseph Campbell The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. A balanced diet is having a cupcake in each hand. 🧁 People make me want to eat glass. Their internet is a horrible place, but I'm a horrible person, so I'm staying. It's me and my wired headphones against the world. 🎧 What is wrong with my body, personality, life, and literally everything about me? What is wrong with my voice? Why is asking to go to the bathroom in class so embarrassing? 🚽 Why does running in front of people feel so embarrassing? 🏃‍♀️ Why is carrying projects to school so embarrassing? Why does telling someone your favorite song feel so personal? Why does talking to your friends in front of your parents feel so embarrassing? I'm sick of my inability to do pushups. I'm sick of not having a cat. 🐈 I'm sick of the chairs at school being so uncomfortable. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of not having the style I want. 👗 I'm sick of Pinterest not suggesting the right board to save my pins to. 📌 I'm sick of being afraid to ask for help. I'm sick of not having motivation to do things I enjoy. Fun life hack: You can't be sad if you're asleep. �� I love drawing stars. ⭐️ I love daydreaming. 💖 My room isn't ugly, but it doesn't match my personality. I need someone who is excited to talk to me every single day. I don't care how hot it is, I'm always sleeping with a blanket on me. 🛌 I need to stop lying about things that don't need to be lied about. 🤥 Life is good until I hear the door unlocking and now I can't be home alone anymore. 🚪 I still cannot process that 2020 was three years ago. If traveling was free, you'd never see me again. ✈️ I love cozy mornings with the house to myself. I wish I could be as pretty as the moon. 🌕 Why haven't they made waterproof headphones yet??? 🎧 I can't wait to have my own apartment. I hate when my Pinterest isn't pinteresting. Night air smells so good. Being caught talking to myself is the most embarrassing thing ever. I have a Pinterest board for everything. Listening to music at home alone is the best. "Love or money?" bitch I want both I hate accidentally saving a pin to the wrong board. so many missed opportunities....all because I was shy and insecure. Do you ever cry about one thing and then start to cry about your whole life? 😭 I like being alone, but I don't like feeling alone. Sleeping is not enough; I need to hibernate. 🛌 Being alive is like....way too much for me. There's definitely something wrong with me; it's not even funny anymore. I wish my eyes could take pictures. 👀 Why is it so difficult to paint your nails? 💅 I sometimes regret telling my friends certain things. At least my mom thinks I'm pretty. When you still can't hear what they're saying, so you just nod and hope it wasn't a question. I may be ugly, but I used to be uglier. I wish I could replay my dreams. 💭 🛌 It's just me and my 4 personalities against the world. How can I face my problem if my problem is my face? I just love the smell of cold night air. Trying not to burst into tears from anxiety at school is a true struggle. I feel so ugly at school. I hate it when people change their opinions just to fit in. Sometimes I just know things. I can explain; I just know... It all goes downhill after you turn 13. I wish I had my own place. All I need is money, books, and clothes. I love talking to myself. I literally cry for no reason. 😭 I'm the problem. Status: tired of people. I feel like 💩. Kind and polite people are the best. 🩷 Getting mad at your hair is a whole different kind of anger. Why does lying on the floor feel so good? Death doesn't scare me, but talking to my parents about my mental health does. I'm fine until I realize I need to work for the rest of my life to earn money. I'm so glad that my parents can't see inside my mind. The problem is I can't talk about my feelings. I love being in my room.

#survey #bolding survey #themed survey

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lupin-the-3rd-case-files · 3 years

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Bye Bye, Lady Liberty

Target: Super Egg

So my experience with this special is kind of weird because I honestly felt like it was fucking with me by calling the villain group the “Three Masons.” I was certain the translators made an error until about partway through when I realized the organization was originally compromised of the three individuals in the movie. I struggled to get over that for a good portion of the run time.

Bye Bye, Lady Liberty is funny glimpse into the year 1989 when computers were starting to become more commonplace but the collective conscious didn’t really understand computers. This special treats computers and viruses like literal black magic. I’m not joking, even the final “programming” of the neovirus comes off as some kind of satanic ritual. It’s clear that whoever wrote this had no real clue what computers were or what they were capable of, or if they did they didn’t care.

It’s really kind of interesting to look at this and think “This is what people thought computers were,” in comparison to another personal favorite anime of mine: Serial Experiments Lain. Lain is almost the opposite of this movie, it understands computers fully but chooses to depict them in a fantastical manner. It even predicted many of the popular trends that would come out of computers, including social media (long before myspace and facebook were ever things) and online games.

It’s just really funny to me to compare these two very polar opposites with the understand we now have of computers.

Anyway, treasure. This movie has two main “treasures” I say with quotations. The first is the Super Egg, a football sized diamond. The second is the Neovirus. Lupin wants the Neovirus so he can wipe his data from police computers because they can magically predict him and his every move. Ultimately the Neovirus takes control of the US and Soviet missile silos and tries to launch strikes on each other but they manage to stop it.

There *is* a black market for viruses but I cannot imagine there being a virus capable of just straight up brute forcing its way into launching missiles. Viruses are a lot more complicated than that, and if Mr.Robot taught me anything it’s more likely that such a fault would be the result of social engineering rather than just a black magic satan virus. I don’t want to calculate the value of such a virus because it’s so fantastical that there’s no way it could exist or be realistically valued as far as I’m concerned.

So we get to my biggest fear when it comes to these articles: diamonds. Diamonds are really hard to value. Especially unrealistically sized diamonds such as the Super Egg. Fortunately, someone did the calculations for a basketball sized diamond on quora and I’m going to choose to trust them since they seem to know what they’re talking about. However, if the diamond was flawless it would be a number I couldn’t actually get out of a calculator so I decided to just go with a normal diamond for my own sanity.

Basically we calculate the weight in grams (volume of a football is about 4800 cm^3 * density of a diamond is 3.33 g/cm^3 = 15,984 grams). We then multiply the weight in grams by 5 to get its size in carats coming out to 79,920. According to the rappaport list price per carat at 10.99 is 234,000 per carat. We multiply 79,920ct * $234,000 = $18,701,280,000. If the diamond was flawless and such it would be worth even more but as I said for the sake of sanity we’re going to keep it there.

Most unfortunate for Lupin, however, the diamond is destroyed in the collapse of the Three Mason’s tower, its value becoming nothing. Which, I would like to point out, seems silly since aren’t diamonds supposed to be one of the hardest materials on the planet? Instead it gets dropped and shatters like a glass vase. Clearly it wasn’t a real diamond after all!

So with that, Lupin makes it out with nothing but apparently a debt he’s incurred and he’s even flat broke. A sad state to leave our hero on. The special insinuates he copies the Neovirus and succeeds in erasing his data from the police computers, but we assume that’s all that happens with it.

Lupin’s reward: $0

And with that we wrap up Bye Bye, Lady Liberty. It’s a relic of its time to say the least. At least it has significantly less racist caricatures unlike the last entry that took place in America. This special just makes me appreciate Serial Experiments Lain even more than I do already.

Next up is the Hemingway Papers which I think I’ve seen but I actually don’t remember for sure.

#lupin the 3rd #lupin iii #tv special #bye bye lady liberty #discotek media #anime

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1269

Last thing you bought online? Did you like it? OMG OMG so I got Angela an Army Bomb!!!!!! for her birthday!!!! It was HELLLL looking for sealed ones that were already onhand, but fortunately I was able to find one from this really nice seller a few days ago and the shipping was quick as well. I’m just a little worried because the outbox has a little dent on it :( but it was the best onhand offer I could find so I got it before anybody could call dibs. I still hope she likes it! I got her batteries too so that she can try lighting it up as soon as she has it. :D

Could you date someone who didn’t drive (and didn’t show an interest in ever getting their license, either)? I feel like this is such a petty thing to make a big deal about...if they knew how to commute or any other way to get to their destination, I don’t think this should be a problem. It would only be an issue to me if they refused to get a license in a very I-generally-lack-ambition kind of way.

How would you react if your artwork became famous? I don’t have any to show off to begin with. I love appreciating art, but creating it was never a forte of mine.

Would you get your nipples pierced? No, I don’t plan on getting any piercings. How many people know your birthday? Outside of my family, my best friends. I think everyone else relies on Facebook to be reminded, which is fine with me.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in? No. Quite the contrary, really...I was sometimes informed about red flags taking place, which of course my stubborn ass ignored.

Have you ever watched a whole hour long infomercial? Probably, as a kid. The channel from which I used to watch WWE aired these really long infomercials so I would watch those while waiting for like Raw or whatever show was going on after.

What is your current MySpace song? I never hung out on Myspace. I had an account, but I was too young for it so it wasn’t long before I got bored.

What is your favorite kind of meat to put on your sandwich? Pulled pork or fried chicken.

Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? I only have one ex.

How do you feel about people who make Facebook profiles for their pets? I find it really cute. But I personally wouldn’t put in as much effort lol.

Have you ever personally known a pair of conjoined twins? Hmmmmmmmm I don’t think so.

What was the most disturbing thing you have ever heard your mother say? She threatened suicide in front of me and my dad in a very calm way when I was around 11, I think? Maybe 12, idk. I haven’t actually thought about that moment in an extremely long time until this question. I’ll move on now and shove the memory at the very very back of my head before I get sad.

Is there something in particular you like to look at photos of? What is it? Aside from members of BTS (lol), interior design inspirations.

Chewy chocolate-chip cookies: like or dislike? Ooh, love. When I bite into a cookie it hassssss to ooze chocolate, otherwise I would be underwhelmed.

If your boyfriend/girlfriend wanted to dress only in the opposite sex’s clothing, would you support that? If not, would you leave them? Support.

Do you think your grandmother is/was beautiful? They both are.

Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? Anything that has to do with writing (except poems), I guess? I like being able to give people advice and tips when it comes to that.

When was the last time you got all dolled up? Last July when we had a big PR media launch thingy and I couldn’t afford to look like shit on Zoom.

Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) Never.

Do you have a criminal record? Not criminal but it’s possibleeeee that I have some kind of record on my license from the time I got stopped by an officer in Alabang, lmao. It was a minor offense from a tiny part of the town so I don’t actually know if they filed it, but it’s possible.

Last person you took a nap with? I don’t really nap with other people. I hate falling asleep in front of others to begin with.

Does seeing your mother cry automatically make you feel sad as well? No.

Do you think someone likes the same person you like? I don’t like anybody.

Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? No, I do not want to stay in a pandemic and not get to maximize my life the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed forever.

Have you ever been to craigslist.com? I’ve never checked it out; idk if we have that here?

What about eBay? I also dunno if they operate here so no, I’ve never bothered.

Have you ever used Nair? Not Nair, but I’ve used Veet before.

Are you medicated? Nope.

Do you shape/fill in your eyebrows? I never do stuff to my eyebrows except shave them.

Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex? Several articles of clothing were left behind here, yeah. I never had the chance to give them back because I stupidly thought we were going to get back together eventually. By the time I moved on the timing was already off, so the clothes stayed with me untillll...just a few days ago, actually – when I finally cleaned up my room and got rid of a bunch of knickknacks that accumulated here over the years, including all her shirts and sweaters and stuff.

Could you make a statement about anything political? The 2022 presidential election landscape looks like complete shit and I’m nearly at that point where I want to stop giving a fuck about this country’s future.

Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate? No.

Do you get the feeling something good will happen in your life soon? I think I’m already living in it, haha.

Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche? Sure, but cliché is also hit and miss for me. I love Titanic and Love Actually, but I cannot stand movies like Me Before You and The Notebook. I guess it depends on certain executions, like the acting, screenplay, casting, etc.

Have you been to McDonald’s in the past month? No, not inside. We did drive-thru within the last month, though.

Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? Not at Andi’s, but I have at Angela’s.

How often do you go bowling? Extremely rarely. I can’t tell you the last time I went bowling.

Last time you were in an apartment? Like 2007 when I visited my aunt back when she still lived in one. None of my friends have their own apartments.

Have you ever seen a live seahorse? I don’t think so.

Would you like to have your own yacht? I mean I wouldn't say no if you offered it to me for free, but I'm not exactly interested in one. < Same.

Winnie the Pooh or Tigger? Tigger always made me laugh as a kid.

What’s the unhealthiest thing you’ve eaten today? Luncheon meat, I think? I didn’t go overboard with the junk food today.

Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? Hm, not that I can recall.

What is something you’d be happy to receive as a gift, that doesn’t cost a lot? A bag of the salted egg chips that I really like costs like 30 bucks, or roughly 60 US cents.

What kind of music does your significant other/crush like to listen to? I don’t have any irl crushes, can I use a celebrity crush instead? HAHA he’s heavily into jazz and whenever he gets asked for music recos he always gives jazz artists from like the 50s and 60s.

Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were? Gab. Dark brown.

Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? The Big Bang Theory and Friends; and then I also liked humming to the themes of Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, and BoJack Horseman. The Phineas & Ferb theme was also a lot of fun to sing along to.

Do you eat dessert after dinner? No, I never do that. I’m usually already full after dinner, and we don’t always have sweets at home anyway.

Have you ever had too much to drink and felt embarrassed about your behavior the next day? Sure.

When you go out drinking, what do you prefer to drink? Cocktails. I very rarely go for hard drinks/shots, especially if I brought my own car.

What was the last animal that you saw? Dog.

What was the last thing that you said to one of your siblings? I just told my sister I was done using her laptop so she can have it back. My Memories of 2020 DVD turned out to be region-locked so I have to use her laptop every time I want to watch it :(

What is the most expensive thing that you’ve purchased that you paid for: My Map of the Soul photobook cost me around 5k in total.

What is your favorite messaging program? Messenger.

Do you eat fast food more than 5 times a week? Wow no. Aside from being extremely unhealthy, that’s also a LOT of spending??

Have you ever almost drowned? Yes.

Have you ever learned something shocking about someone through Facebook? I mean I’ve had to learn about more than one family death through my Facebook feed, which sucks but is nothing I have control over. Otherwise the most shocking thing I’ve seen is probably classmates from high school having their own kids, but at this point I’m used to it already.

What’s the scariest living animal that you’ve petted? I’m not really afraid of carrying/petting animals especially if there’s a guide or expert nearby, but the most daring one was probably the crocodile I volunteered to hold in Palawan.

Do you remember the first conversation you ever had with the person you currently have feelings for? Not at all.

Do you dread certain days of the week? If yes, what day/s and why? I hate Mondays for obvious reasons lol. I don’t know anyone who is actively cheery about reporting back to work.

If you eat oatmeal, do you have it plain or do you have certain toppings that you like to add to it? I never eat oatmeal. I had that every single day for breakfast from like kindergarten to 4th grade and I vowed never to take a spoonful of it again.

What is the funniest or strangest thing you’ve ever heard somebody say in their sleep? I dunno. I used to keep a log of the things my ex used to say in her sleep and a great deal of them were hilarious, but obviously I deleted that note a long time ago.

Choose one - Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: Butterfinger.

Do you use Mozilla Firefox? Nopes.

Who is your favorite person to hug? Angela and Laurice.

Have you ever had to have a mug shot? Nope.

What was the last thing you carried to your room? Kimi.

When was the last time you had a late night phone call? WELL over a year ago.

#survey #surveys

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krolock-in-the-snowlock · 4 years

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My Full Commentary on Broadway’s Dance of the Vampires

Turns out there’s so much that this is going to have to be split into two posts! These are my full, unedited, out-of-context ramblings as I watched the production, so prepare for it to be all over the place and chaotic! I also did a slightly shorter review of sorts here!

But here we go... Act 1!

• Huh. This is not Alfred in the snow

• Why are there three children in the forest

• This song is boring. To be fair their voices are nice but I’m still bored. This feels like Disney ugh

• God these jokes are awful and I can’t tell if they’re funny or not

• Whyyyyy is there a jokes every 5 seconds and WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN THE FOREST

• Oh my god why are they getting high on mushrooms

• wAIT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE SARAH HOLY SHIT

• WHY IS SHE WITH PEOPLE ARE THEY HER SIBLINGS

• WHY IS SHE OUTSIDE

• I feel like they’re foreshadowing Krolock’s arrival

• I want to get this over with already and see Krolock but I don’t want to see Crawford butcher his poor character

• What is going on why are they dancing, is this Carpe Noctem already

• Why are they just carrying them around

• The lights are nice but that’s about as far as I can compliment this

• The dancers (I’m guessing vampires even though I swear I heard a wolf howl) look like they just got off of Cats and either think they’re still in Cats but just wandered onto the wrong stage or just never recovered from being cats for so long and can tragically no longer move like normal humans (or vampires, whatever)

• The rock music is pretty cool I’ll give them that

• But I still don’t see where they’re going with this

• OH SHIT

• WHY DID A COFFIN LITERALLY RISE OUT OF THE GROUND

• IT’S GONNA BE KROLOCK ISN’T IT

• WHYYY

• God has left the building what the fuc-

• It sounds like he’s about to start a really sad rave

• Is that Krolock’s voice oh god please no

• Also THEY ARE NOT IN A BUILDING THEY ARE IN A FOREST

• I get that Krolock breaks the fourth wall in Die Unstillbare Gier but that is no excuse for this aAaAa

• I’m both scared and morbidly excited to unpause the video

• This feels on the same level of what kind of acid trip hallucination parallel universe have I landed in as seeing the Cats film in the cinema in that I’m both scaredly laughing and like fuck it what have I got to lose I’m here for the ride no matter what the next two hours may throw at me

• Oh god here I go

• Why are they applauding this is horrifying

• Is that a bloody top hat jesus christ

• Also I’m sorry but what kind of coffin is that big

• NO

• NONONONO

• I CAN’T THIS IS HORRIBLE

• COUNT GIOVANNI

• WHAT IS THAT VOICE

• Sarah sounded like Giofuckingvanni impersonating Sarah

• Did he just say you are a person

• And how old are you??? Where is the mystery?? Why does he sound like an old grandpa talking to the girl behind the checkout at the supermarket

• Ok I went back to check and no he said you are perfect and tbh that’s not much better she isn’t a product Giovanni

• Like yeah Krolock would probably be thinking that but he would never say it so plainly

• 18 in three days oh my god is her birthday on halloween

• Why does she talk like a 6 year old

• Oh no I’m sorry not just halloween but the total eclipse of the moon

• Gotta get the phrase total eclipse in there early

• At midnight huh sarah??? You were born at midnight???? And you care about that at 18-in-3-days??

• Issa too good excUSE ME?

• He sounds like a looney tunes character

• Is he talking to the audience

• Is this actually deadpool in disguise with all the fourth wall breaking because please that would be so much better than this trainwreck

• And Deadpool would never do this to poor TdV

• And your name, no don’t tell me… Sarah he’s not a cheap magician ugh (or tbh maybe Giovanni is)

• And now the einladung zum ball/tanzsaal music is playing… what is going to happen here

• I was gonna say finally something familiar but nope these lyrics are so wrong

• I know they can’t be exactly the same but they could have at least kept the meaning similar

• Like, what the hell is an original sin

• I was gonna roast the lyrics some more but I’m gonna be honest I’m not sure what he’s saying

• Endless researching? Ambronsius who? Awful word choice and I’m hating the repeated original sin thing he’s got going on

• Sei bereit????? So they’re keeping the German there???? Why??? Be prepared is the same number of syllables???

• Also what are they doing?? Merging einladung zum ball with gott ist tot or totale finsternis or what??

• Oh they said turn around… so not the literal translation, just the Bonnie Tyler lyrics, huh? That doesn’t even make sense. He’s in front of her already

• I’m sorry, since she’s been born??

• I’m mad that his voice is good because he could have performed in a faithful adaption and been a great Krolock but no he had to ruin everything and now we won’t get a good english version thanks michael

• It’s time to feed? Really?

• Oh so we are doing totale finsternis already

• We’re barely 11 minutes in and they’ve already used up two of the best songs in the musical?

• Also if Sarah and Krolock meet so early on, what’s gonna take up the first act? What’s gonna take the place of totale finsternis at act 2?

• The use of total eclipse of the heart definitely feels like an intentional joke here rather than just jim recycling his old stuff, and honestly it kind of works like that (though that’s only because this whole thing so far seems like one big parody)

• But if they don’t do the harmonies I’m gonna be so mad

• Or maybe I should just consider it a blessing tbh

• Nobody could ever beat drew and diana

• You’re so cool just because that’s what I think when I see Krolock that doesn’t mean that fits Sarah’s personality or what Krolock is supposed to be achieving (also Giovanni is most certainly Not Cool)

• Where I’ve paused it at 12:12 it looks like a meme. Crawford looks like he regrets everything and can I just say michael so does everybody else

• He looks like a potato or a rock or that neutral nicolas cage face that people put on the sequin cushion

• I hate that I kind of laughed at ‘and does he love me?’ ‘…Sarah.’

• She looks like a barbie doll

• Is he biting her already??

• Oh was he licking her neck?

• Why… don’t you celebrate… your birthday… at my castle? Oh my god

• This sounds like a poorly written krolock/reader wattpad fanfic

• Which is actually quite accurate

• He will return with the tails??

• He can’t gift her the sponge if the significance of the sponge hasn’t already been establisheddd

• It feel like lol aren’t i so random rawr xd

• Though giovanni would highkey be like that on myspace

• Also just saying, the sponge krolock gives to her in tdv is much more impressive than that normal sized sponge, up ur game giovanni

• And that’s just it????? He says ciao bella like a creepy mario then sinks into the ground again???

• How dare they use those nice choral harmonies for that scene

• Ah, 14:17 and I should go to bed but I sure don’t look forward to the garlic that I hear coming up

Day 2: Garlic

• And we’re back for round 2!

• So far garlic seems to have a similar vibe to the original, probably because the original was pretty dumb

• Yeah pretty much the same as the original

• But if there’s no frozen alfred and professor yet, what’s even going on?

• And that’s over

• Oh so they’re just gonna arrive like that, no drama or anything?

• Ew why does alfred sound like that? He might as well be gaston

• Oh so they’re mentioning Krolock by name??? When they’re supposed to be pretending he doesn’t exist?

• Oh so that was a mistake by an idiot, I see. Was this in the original?

• The whole smelling like feet thing is kind of funny, I hate to admit it. It’s just a shame it doesn’t fit Alfred’s character

• All in all, ignoring the fact that alfred is all wrong and not frozen, this scene is going pretty well. The jokes are quite good

• Huh who is this supposed to be??

• Oh my gOD IT’S GIOVANNI

• AND HIS STUPID ISSA TOO GOOD

• I really hate that I kind of enjoyed that reveal on some level

• But why????

• Where is koukol

• That silk is not going to be enough for sarah’s ballgown, I hate to break it to you Giovanni

• All of these modern phrases like I leave the door open and put it on my tab just don’t fit

• At this point I’ve decided to stop trying to take Giovanni seriouslg. This is a parody in my eyes

• Ah we’re at logic round 1 huh?

• It’s a shame the only bits so far that they’ve kept fairly accurate are the parts I never liked as much

• Oh my god is giovanni visiting the house as a bat???

• I’m not entirely certain who this other guy is… chagal?

• Frickin idiots really giovanni?

• Oh so koukol doesn’t even exist???

• Is his name morris??

• This is weird

• Ah finally sarah is in the bath

• But it’s in her room???

• Did she call alfred tasty?? You’re not a vampire yet sarah

• They’re both way too outgoing and confident ugh it’s wrong

• Where’s all the cute awkward clumsiness and interactions?

• Ok so alfred’s diary stuff is funny but it’s not alfred. Like, he was probably thinking some of this stuff but he wouldn’t say it, especially not like that

• Well chagal is less sexist and abusive here which is nice but ultimately removes sarah’s motivations

• A blood transfusion??

• I don’t even know what to say, these jokes are kinda gross

• Orange and black crepe paper? A pumpkin?? The prophecy thing? This is just stupid

• The pumpkin probably would scare giovanni away though

Sarah and Alfred’s duet doesn’t work when they’re both in THE SAME ROOM

• This is boring ugh they just met but not even in the way they did originally

• Where’s krolock to invite her to the ball? Oh wait, they already met, and it’s giovanni

• Dammit I love the einladung zum ball scene

• Did they even check blood types?? Oh wait it’s 18whatever supposedly

• Ew they’re supposed to bond over sponges not journals

• Oh here’s chagal’s gross song. Marginally less gross in this context to be fair but still

• Ha no one will abuse you except for you huh chagal

• Oh bye I guess chagal

• NO THAT BAT IS AWFUL OH MY GOD

• WHY DID THEY DO THIS

• GIOVANNI NO

• WHAT IS HE SINGING

• This is horrible

• Where’s the drama, the impressive teleportation, the cape swishing, the mystery, the music?

• Issa me! He might have just as well gone and said Itsa me, Mario!

• This is a crime

• He genuinely thinks she’s a princess nOOOOOO

• Krolock would never

• But I guess giovanni is just Like That

• Krolock wouldn’t complain about the smell, he would pull a face but that would be it

• The joke about the mirrors..? Is giovanni really that stupid or is he self aware and is joking with the audience?

• And the way he just stands there facing the audience in silence as they laugh… he’s got to be self aware

• Also this whole thing is so stupid in its attempts to be funny that I bet we won’t even get die unstillbare gier because giovanni could never pull off anything so genuine or serious (nor could any of the others though)

• Oh god are they semi doing einladung zum ball with the never enough stuff? But it’s not even dramatic or powerful enough ughhh

• Nooooo they made it sound all sappy and romantic when it’s supposed to be dark and commanding and… I don’t even have the words to describe it but no this is awful

• Also the lyrics feel so much more shallow than the original… and the original was so full of what was probably too many syllables that this just feels empty and drawn out

• Oh I’ve got it! Giovanni is like trying to convince her kindly like, oh sarah, that would never be enough for you, darling whereas krolock is stating a powerful fact, he’s like that would never be enough. Krolock knows that she knows and is just kind of showing her that he understands her and she should join him.

• Also michael if you sing the long note at the end, it needs to be meaningful, powerful, entrancing, inviting, exciting, dark, strong. You can’t just do a weedy weak version with no power and no meaning or purpose to the scene

• Why is mars rising

• Oh is it supposed to be a blood moon I bet it is

• This is new…

• The lyrics are all hey sarah, you can do whatever cool stuff you want, the dark side is fun haha

• There’s no story, no appeal to her character development or deeper motivations

• The staging is boring. They’re just stood there. Like two pigeons aimlessly squawking at each other, only one pigeon has decided it won’t shut up

• Giovanni’s makeup and hair are all wrong too

• Dear god only 45 minutes in

• Oh so chagal is frozen and bitten at the very least

• Oh magda and mrs chagal are both singing

• The harmonies are nice, I’ll give them that

• Ah here he goes

• Ew why is he a dog

• Oh mrs krolock is back

• Ooh manipulative he lies

• Ew alfred no kissing without asking first

• And here’s draussen ist freiheit

• Oh but it’s not about freedom, it’s bravery instead

• Why has it got a a dance beat now

• Oh no giovanni’s voice is ruining everything again

• Every time I think the music is actually alright, giovanni’s weaselly voice ruins everything

• Ah finally the end of act 1, though lesss cool when not on a house

• At only 1 hour and 4 minutes, we’ve done it. Halfway through. This is where things should start getting good but of course that probably won’t happen.

• Wait we didn’t even get gott ist tot

• Oh no here it is

• Sounds like they’re keeping it the same

• Ok michael you’re not doing too badly

• *cough* But hey that’s probably because you’re sticking to the source material *cough*

• Ah ok now it’s the end of act 1 at 1 hour, 6 minutes and 30 seconds.

• And what an hour, 6 minutes and 30 seconds they’ve been

• So, before we move on, a quick summary:

• The better parts are the parts where they actually stick to the source material

• Giovanni is the polar opposite of Krolock and therefore cannot even be called Krolock

• The jokes are awful but sometimes funny

• I’m dreading act 2

• Dear god we haven’t even seen herbert yet

• And if sarah is already at the castle, is totale finsternis even going to happen again?

• I guess we’ll find out whether we want to or not in…

Part 2!

#tanz der vampire #dance of the vampires #I am so sorry #this is such a mess

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rinnnyxr · 3 years

Text

Have You Ever…

I’m listening to music right now. A friend came over to my house today. My mom is going back to school to get a degree. I’m going to see a movie this weekend. My high school has (had) a lot of pep rallies. I hate it when glue-sticks get all gross and goopy. I would love to be on the game show “Jeopardy!” I have seen and loved the movie “Pineapple Express.” My parents aren’t going to be home tonight. In one of my classes today, I got a pop quiz. Going to sporting events bores me. I love South Park. I have seen a play or musical on broadway. I know what “mugging it” means. The last thing I had to drink was water. I worked out today. I use shower gel to clean myself in the shower. I know someone who can speak/write in Japanese. I have taken a college class. Something embarrassing happened to me in a game of truth or dare. I know what “IHOP” stands for. I need to charge my cell. I am/was in the marching band. I’m wearing long sleeves right now. I’ve seen the movie “Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny.” It irritates me when people use incorrect spelling/grammar. I listen to Britney Spears. Currently, someone is avoiding me. I think Nair is the worst thing ever. I love Indian cuisine. My favorite flavor of Mentos is strawberry. It’s snowing outside. I get a ride from my parents to school. I absolutely hate where I live. My favorite band has a “the” in front of it. My fingers and toes get really cold all the time. I have an odd sense of humor. Breakfast cereal is the shit. When I was a kid, I took fruity vitamins every day. I ate a cookie today. I love ridiculously large purses/bags. It’s so annoying when people don’t text back. I wasn’t born in the same place that I live now. Someone in my family is in the military. I just want to throw my computer out the window. I’ve purchased something today. I count birds sitting on power lines. I should be doing something else right now. I’ve stayed in a hospital overnight before.

Other random facts about me I have shot a real gun more than once before | I could talk about music for hours on end | I have a hard time sitting still, but enjoy being energetic | I am extremely impatient | I get very emotional | Music doesn’t stop me from crying because I am so emotionally attached to it that it makes me want to cry more | I have serious trouble picking favorites | I hate lying | I find beauty in things not many others around me can see | I think gargoyles are awesome

There are 4+ people in my house right now. I countdown to exciting events. I can’t live without my iPod. I go to the mall for more than twice a month. I have a photo album. I take random pictures 24/7 to put on my Myspace. I’m ¼ black. I have more than 5 pets. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I’m always confused. I can never wear all black. People say I look like my mom. I have big eyes. I have many different hairstyles. I’m not a morning person. I know at least one person with the name John. I download ringtones on my phone constantly. I sit in the back of all my classes. I live in NJ and have never been to the Jersey Shore. Big sunglasses are sexy. I’m definitely not a cat person. I have no life. I go to school with someone from my family. One of my friends looks like one of my cousins. I’m using a laptop. ^ I didn’t buy it myself; it was a gift. My most recent ex is single. I tend to overthink things a lot of the time. I’ve never cheated on anyone. I know a few people my age who have children. ^I’m not ready for children yet. My current hair color is my natural color. I’m feeling kind of guilty about something right now. One of my best friends is gay. I sometimes get messages from random people on Tumblr, telling me that I’m beautiful. ^I don’t really agree. I like the underwear I’m wearing; it’s pretty. Sometimes if I get too upset or stressed out, I start to feel ill. Someone of the opposite sex is on my mind. It took me months to get over my ex. I always use conditioner when I wash my hair. I’m blood-related to the last person I talked to. One of my best friends is engaged. If my ex phoned me now, I would be quite surprised. ^But I’d answer. I used to love “The Wizard of Oz”. I like 90s music. The last person I kissed has told me that they love me. ^But I don’t think they meant it. I haven’t been out drinking for ages. I had a really weird dream last night. My birthday is less than a month away. I really want cuddles; I wish someone would hug me. I want to see someone. ^But the person I want to see is too busy. I have lots of friends on Facebook that I don’t really talk to. I was sad when Whitney Houston died; I like her songs. I don’t really regret anything; there’s no point. I never drink milk. I hugged someone of the opposite sex last night. I hardly ever use Skype/video chat. When I checked Facebook this morning, I had some unread messages. I have a crush on the last person that Facebook messaged me. People say I look like my dad. I’ve had a panic attack before. People can always tell when I’m upset, even though I try not to show it. My sleeping patterns are kind of messed up. I’m currently wearing something black. I think Rihanna is pretty. Only a few of my friends use Tumblr. I don’t think I would ever go back to my ex. ^I’d still like to be friends though. My last beverage was hot. Today was a bit boring; I hope tomorrow is better.

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

Text

[found at: eightfortysix]

Who are you? My name is Stephanie.

What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you? -I’ve been distant and withdrawn these past few years, but I’m just a mess and wrapped up in my own head and the shit I’m dealing with and haven’t been able to really be there for anyone. It’s not that I don’t care. -I get in very moody and irritable moods. -I’m always tired and feel drained.

Where do you want to be in 5 years? I don’t know.

Are you more child-like or childish? I think I’m still a child at heart. I also feel like one when I get in my moody moods and cry over the most ridiculous things.

What is the last thing you said out loud? “Goodnight.”

How do you handle a rainy day? I don’t do anything different unless I leave the house, in which case I’d just dress differently for the weather.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a teacher.

Are you more of a giver or a taker? I feel like I’ve been more of a taker these past few years.

Have you ever been given a second chance? Yes.

Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind? I think I do for the most part.

What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? The accident that made me a paraplegic.

Who have you hugged today? I haven’t hugged anyone today so far.

If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by learning, what would they be? I’d be fluent in Spanish, an amazing pianist, and something useful that I could use to be successful in life.

What 3 things do you want to do before you die? Get my shit together, do something worthwhile with my life, and travel. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing? Uhhh.

Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved? I’ve had mine saved.

What was the last thing you made with your own hands? I’m not crafty.

What was your favorite toy as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies.

What is your favorite thing to do outside? The only outdoor activity I enjoy is spending time at the beach.

How do you feel when you see a rainbow? It’s always pretty cool because it’s a rarity for me.

Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true? Certain things I’ve dreamt have happened, but not like aspiration dreams or anything serious.

What one thing have you done that most people haven't? Hmm. I can’t think of anything cool. I just keep thinking of negative things.

Are you a patient person? No.

What holiday should exist but doesn't? I don’t know.

What's the best joke you ever heard? I don’t know, man.

Is your hair natural or dyed? I dye it red, but it’s been almost a year so my natural hair color has outgrown quiteee a bit.

What is under your bed right now? Nothing.

If you drive do you frequently speed? I don’t drive.

What is the world's best song to dance to? There’s a ton of great, upbeat, perfect dance songs.

What song was on the last time you danced with someone? I haven’t danced with anyone.

Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers? I watch stuff from both, but I mean Disney will always hold a special place.

Would you consider yourself to be romantic? I haven’t had a chance to really find out.

If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off? We’d be swept away.

If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? I wanna live with Santa. haha.

Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television? I mean, I love music but I don’t listen to it as much as I used to. I love having favorite shows and movies to binge watch and obsess over. Ideally, I’d like to just keep both, though. Thanks.

What do you think makes someone a hero? People have their own ideas about what makes someone a hero.

What cartoon would you like to be a character in? Hmm. Can it be something Disney?

Name one thing that turns your stomach. The smell of old food.

What was the last thing you paid for? Bills. Bleh.

Get anything good in the mail recently? No. It’s died down since Christmas has ended.

Tell me some of your greatest fears. I’ve done this so many times in surveys; I don’t feel like it right now.

What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn? I haven’t worn anything eccentric. I keep it pretty simple.

Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet? Ew, noooo.

You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items... A tent, food, my phone.

List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most. I love my family, which includes my doggo. They’re all my number 1.

If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself...what would you wish for? The end of the pandemic, no one would have to ever go hungry, and no more violence.

How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in? I would never do that.

Have you ever been on the radio or on TV? I’ve been on the local news before. It was after my accident.

Have you ever named an individual part of your body? No.

Is there anyone you trust completely? Yes.

Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye? Yes.

Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool? I’d prefer an indoor pool instead of a jacuzzi.

Would you consider yourself to be intelligent? No.

Would you consider yourself to be wise? No.

Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring? No. That would be difficult for me to do anyway.

Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star? I really don’t want to be either of those things.

Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote? Not a love letter per se, but I’ve written someone a long message expressing exactly how I feel about them and the hurt I’ve felt and pretty much just laid everything out on the table.

Are you looking forward to any concerts right now? There aren’t concerts going on.

About how many emails do you get a day? Like 20-30ish.

Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country? Uh, I would never, ever hitchhike.

Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip? I would have a road trip with just people I know.

If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down? I don’t know. I just don’t feel a relationship is a good idea for me right now. It’s not my where my focus is. It’s not where my heart is.

Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time? It’s crossed my mind at times.

What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out? I’m excited for new Marvel movies, the new Halloween movie, and the new Scream movie. I look forward to seeing what else is coming out.

What's on your key chain besides keys? I actually only have one key, but I have a ton of keychains.

How do you feel about endangered species? It’s sad.

What was the last CD you bought? It’s been several years since I last bought a CD, so I don’t recall.

Would you be willing to go hang gliding? Noooo.

Have you ever taken a lock of someone else's hair? Uh, no.

Have you ever given anyone a lock of your hair? My mom has a lock of mine from when I had my first haircut as a baby.

If you had a locket what would you put inside? A photo of my family.

What is the difference (if any) between madness and brilliance? That makes me think of Jack Sparrow quote, “it’s remarkable how often these two traits coincide.”

Write any random sentence here Nah.

Say the sentence you wrote out loud. Did anybody answer?

If you were to hit redial on your phone right now, who would it call? I don’t think there’s a redial button, but the last person I called was my mom.

Miracle on 34th street: which is better the original or remake? I’ve actually never seen either one.

Have you ever been in a parade? No.

Do you turn the base up all the way in your car? The volume is at a reasonable level. Do you care if what you do annoys others? I mean, yes. Unless it was like, “it annoys me how much you drink coffee”, in which case I wouldn’t give a shit haha. You get the idea.

What keeps you from being happy? Depression.

Can you talk for one hour without using the word 'like'? *shrug* Maybe.

Why is it that a fly can't bird but a bird can fly? Because a bird is an animal and not an action.

What websites are addictive to you? Tumblr and YouTube.

Who do you love so much that you would clean live maggots out of their garb? I love my family more than anything, but... klsjfksjdflk I’d have to get someone else to do that I’m sorry. D:

Have you filled out an organ donor card? No.

How many oxymorons can you think of? Pretty ugly. I don’t feel like thinking of more.

How many years old is your diary/livejournal/myspace? I’ve had this survey Tumblr since 2014.

Would you ever wear vinyl pants? No.

What was the last thing that you printed out? I don’t even remember, it’s been a long time.

What are you dependent on? My family.

What do you look forward to each day? My first cup of coffee.

What did you think of the Columbine shootings? It was horrific.

What takes your breath away? Hm.

Have you done anything recently that you regret? Yes.

Will you ever do it again? I’m very stubborn.

In your opinion what gives people depth and character? Experiences?

What’s the name of your favorite band? Linkin Park.

Do you have an account on neopets.com? Aw, I did when I was a kid. I loved neopets.

Who is the next person you will hug? The only person I really hug is my mom.

Where was your last vacation to? Disneyland almost a year ago.

Where was your last car ride to? The doctor.

Where was your last bus ride to? I used to take it sometimes when I was in college.

Where did you last walk to? It’s been yearsss.

What is the worst band in the universe? I don’t know.

What is the next book you want to read? I’m about to start a new one called, “Anything For You” by Marissa Finch.

What gives you a peaceful feeling? Being at the beach watching and listening to the ocean waves crash in and out.

Do you ever stay up late watching infomercials? No, at night my TV is either on The Hallmark Channel, TVLand, or CMT. I remember back when I was a kid and the only thing on late at night was informercials, which really sucked when I was up late because I was sick or just couldn’t sleep. I’m glad there’s actual stuff on now on a lot of channels. But there’s also other options if there weren’t, like YouTube or a streaming services. I wish I had those as a kid.

Are you a light sleeper? Yes.

Are you a toys-R-us kid? “I don’t wanna grow up, cause I’m a Toys R Us kid.”

Are you part of the mile high club? No.

Would you rather be part cat, or part scorpion, and why? I’ll definitely go with the cat.

When you sleep next to someone who usually falls asleep first? I’m always last to fall asleep.

What is your usual breakfast? If I have breakfast it’s usually scrambled eggs with shredded cheese and spinach with guacamole on the side (guac and eggs are really good together). Lately, I’ve been really into breakfast sandwiches. I like to have either a croissant, english muffin, or sourdough bread with eggs, cheese, avocado, pesto, and cream cheese and 10/10 highly recommend. I also like eggs smothered with country gravy.

How quickly are you willing to take drugs to numb pain? It’s much worse to sit around and wait while it gets worse cause then the medicine takes even longer to kick in.

Have you ever had your car towed? I don’t have a car of my own.

Have you ever used Kool-Aid to dye your hair? No, but I remember a couple of my cousins did that when they were kids.

Would you rather be naked and famous or dressed and non-famous? Dressed and non-famous. This was an easy choice.

What band or singer do you believe started rock and roll? I don’t know.

If you had a large black vase what would you put in it? Flowers?

Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? City.

Would you ever participate in a 'sock hop'? No.

What’s your age? I’m 31.

What’s your hair color? I think this question has been in every survey I’ve done the past few days.

What’s your eye color? This one too.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long survey

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lblwlw · 4 years

Text

Hello!

First post here, but I have a long history with tumblr. Tumblr has always sort of been a place for me to escape because few of my friends ever had my URL/followed me. This time it’s a little more important.

CW: Brief mentions of sexual occurrences with men, brief talk of depression, nothing too serious or graphic

TLDR; I’ve suppressed my gayness on accident for basically my whole life, identified as bi, married a man, realized I’m gay, am now figuring out my life.

Warning, this is a LONG post.

I have always been been fascinated with sexuality, more specifically same sex relationships. I was always interested in the idea of being in a same sex relationship but told myself, “no, that’s not me”. Eventually in middle school I played with the idea of being bisexual when I learned what that meant. I said, perfect. I can tell my internet friends I like girls, too, but I won’t have to tell anyone else and I can just worry about boys then at school and for my parents. I had a few crushes on boys, but the thought of actually dating them terrified me and so I very rarely did more than think about them a lot and just tell my friends that I was “too ugly” or whatever else, or “too awkward.” What they didn’t know was that through MySpace I met a girl and had a huge crush on her. We talked a lot and we said we were dating. I never really told anyone. That eventually fizzled out.

Over time I got bullied a couple times because classmates found my MySpace and found that I identified as bi. I quickly learned it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression throughout all of school. In high school I steadily crushed on one boy almost all four years, but looking back I think I really just enjoyed and wanted to be his friend. Or I just kind of picked him as the one I liked the most so I had a crush to be a normal girl. I dated two boys the entirety of high school, the first one I broke up with because once he finally asked me out (after I “liked him”) and we did relationship things, like kissing, I was not all about it. It didn’t feel right. I thought, maybe I just didn’t like him. Next boyfriend, I wasn’t entirely objected to kissing him but it wasn’t my favorite. It got more frustrating when he wanted to do more. I wasn’t so opposed to him touching me, but when it came to touching him I was like “this ain’t it”. I stayed with him anyway, hoping I would “get over it” until he broke up with me. I wonder now if he could tell I wasn’t into it.

There was actually a time in which I thought, maybe I should date girls? One of my friends was dating a girl, and I thought that was wonderful. I went to her to tell her that I had been thinking maybe I’d rather date girls. I totally blocked this conversation out of my head until recently.

Once I was done with high school I was discouraged but tried to date a few different guys. None of them went that fantastically. If I met them online, I usually came up with a reason we couldn’t meet. “Maybe this just won’t work” It was fun to talk and flirt but when it came down to bringing it into real life I’d panic because that meant kissing a guy again, and possibly having sex. It made me totally uncomfortable. Finally I said, “I wish I was just into girls, ugh.” Remembered that I was, and that I should try it finally. I matched with this sweet girl that was about a year younger than me. She seemed so put together and so kind. We went on a few dates, getting ramen, fancy cupcakes, riding on a trolly in the city, etc. I remember when I got to kiss her in public and I was SO pumped to be seen doing that! Another time, I believe I drove her home but we parked away from her house and made out in my car. I still remember so much of it vividly.

Eventually I realized that if I was seriously dating her, she would want it to be known. I’d have to face my fears and tell my family. For some reason, this absolutely terrified me. It shouldn’t have but it did. I thought through my options, and decided I should just find a nice guy that will love me and spend my life with me so I don’t have to do this anymore. I did the unspeakable act of basically just ghosting her and pursued a guy from work who, realistically, kind of freaked me out. Thanks to good old compulsive heterosexuality, I read this as my attraction to him. Thankfully, he was pretty easily attracted to me. I recall early in the relationship wishing I hadn’t done that awful thing to that girl, and that I wish I was still dating a girl. Nothing was technically wrong with my relationship that I had now, but something felt off. Like I was missing something. I tucked that away somewhere in my head and enjoyed building an amazing friendship with this man. I did love him, and I still do. He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we have a lot of shared interests and he’s taught me so much intentionally and unintentionally.

We got married last year and while I felt grateful I had this amazing person beside me, I remember a part of me wondering if this was right for me. I had this weird little empty pocket somewhere in my heart. That I had given up my young adulthood maybe, and that I could have experienced being with... a woman, for real. I thought, I wish I could have met my husband later in life, maybe. Maybe then I’d have gotten my desires for women out of the way and then been with him forever. Because I do love him, he’s a good person and deserves to be loved. I enjoyed the wedding as a big party that I got to have with my family, but I just remember wondering where that extreme excitement was that everyone always described. Was I broken?

Now over a year later, I was sitting at home one day feeling lost and depressed. I had been on TikTok and saw all these young people having fun and I wished that I had spent more time trying to have fun in the past, before I got married. I thought, I could do it now, but what if something happened and I somehow I fell for one of these girls while being with my husband? Wait... why would I even think that? I started to really analyze this thought. I thought, if I was bi like I had always identified, why could I not be happy with my husband? Well, I was, but something was missing. This thought popped into my head: Oh no. What if I am gay?

What?! Why would I think that? That’s crazy. I would have known as a kid like everyone says. Right? That’s how that works. I chalked this up to feeling like I was missing out and tried to stop thinking about it. It was hard not to, though. And so I googled one morning while out listening to the birds, after escaping bed before my husband rose to avoid his intimacy: “lesbian married to a man”

This article came up about a woman who had been married to a man for many years and they had kids. She started to question herself, and her attraction to him. I don’t remember all of it but I remember getting really uncomfortable but also having this weird sense of calm. That finally, I felt like I identified with something. I wasn’t really sure though. I sent a message to the lady who wrote the article. She replied a week later telling me that she had a podcast called Lesbian Chronicles. I said, okay, I need to listen to this. I listened to about two episodes or so when they mentioned this thing called “The Master Doc” and the reddit sub called Late Bloomer Lesbians. I was like “Holy crap, a community??”

I logged onto reddit for the first time ever. I saw all these women posting in similar situations to me. I found “The Master Doc” and “Straight women don’t say...”

It was like a light bulb went off. Oh my god, everything makes sense! Maybe I’m NOT broken! I remembered all the women that I had crushes on. All the times I thought about women but told myself I was just “weird” and tried not to think about it. I always thought, no I can’t be gay because I wasn’t sure of it as a kid. Now I realized that women especially are fed a straight narrative. It’s “normal” to not be attracted to men the way they are to you. It’s normal to not totally enjoy sex with men... When I learned that we’ve been told this, and it isn’t really true... I wanted to cry. Now I was in the biggest “pickle” ever. I have this man who loves me, who I said vows to swearing I loved him the same forever. Did I just accept who I was and what I did and live with it? Did I break up with him? That seemed to harsh. I heard a lot of women in the same position say they spoke to a therapist. I immediately googled therapists in my area that specialized in LGBTQ+ issues, sent an email ASAP, and felt a little bit of relief. I knew this was real because after years of playing with the idea of seeing a therapist, this came so naturally when I needed help with this.

Now I am here. I feel very confident that I am gay, and my dad knows now. I tried to bring it up with my husband but it didn’t go very well. He currently thinks that maybe I’m just a sad bisexual who hasn’t been able to express her bi-ness. I am at a point a conversation needs to happen again. I told myself when my lesbian flag and pin came in the mail, I would talk to him again. It’s being delivered today. I am terrified, to say the least. It feels so wrong to “betray” this man who has dedicated to much time and work to giving us as good a life as he can. But I need to live my truth. It will come. I’m low-key excited for it. I hope maybe this helps someone going through the same thing.

-Anonymous Married Lesbian

#lesbian #married to a man #wlw #late blooming lesbian #late bloomer #gay #pride

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noramoya · 5 years

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A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE WRITTEN BY LISA MARIE PRESLEY ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON, ON JUNE 26th 2009.

The day after Michael Jackson passed away, Lisa Marie Presley took to her blog on MySpace and posted an emotional message about her relationship with the King of Pop, her anger following their divorce, and her devastation over his death :

“He Knew

Years ago Michael and I were having a deep conversation about life in general.

I can't recall the exact subject matter but he may have been questioning me about the circumstances of my Fathers Death.

At some point he paused, he stared at me very intensely and he stated with an almost calm certainty, "I am afraid that I am going to end up like him, the way he did."

I promptly tried to deter him from the idea, at which point he just shrugged his shoulders and nodded almost matter of fact as if to let me know, he knew what he knew and that was kind of that.

14 years later I am sitting here watching on the news an ambulance leaves the driveway of his home, the big gates, the crowds outside the gates, the coverage, the crowds outside the hospital, the Cause of death and what may have led up to it and the memory of this conversation hit me, as did the unstoppable tears.

A predicted ending by him, by loved ones and by me, but what I didn't predict was how much it was going to hurt when it finally happened.

The person I failed to help is being transferred right now to the L.A. County Coroners office for his Autopsy.

All of my indifference and detachment that I worked so hard to achieve over the years has just gone into the bowels of hell and right now I am gutted.

I am going to say now what I have never said before because I want the truth out there for once.

Our relationship was not "a sham" as is being reported in the press. It was an unusual relationship yes, where two unusual people who did not live or know a "Normal life" found a connection, perhaps with some suspect timing on his part. Nonetheless, I do believe he loved me as much as he could love anyone and I loved him very much.

I wanted to "save him" I wanted to save him from the inevitable which is what has just happened. His family and his loved ones also wanted to save him from this as well but didn't know how and this was 14 years ago. We all worried that this would be the outcome then.

At that time, In trying to save him, I almost lost myself.

He was an incredibly dynamic force and power that was not to be underestimated.

When he used it for something good, It was the best and when he used it for something bad, It was really, REALLY bad.

Mediocrity was not a concept that would even for a second enter Michael Jackson's being or actions.

I became very ill and emotionally/ spiritually exhausted in my quest to save him from certain self-destructive behavior and from the awful vampires and leeches he would always manage to magnetize around him.

I was in over my head while trying.

I had my children to care for, I had to make a decision.

The hardest decision I have ever had to make, which was to walk away and let his fate have him, even though I desperately loved him and tried to stop or reverse it somehow.

After the Divorce, I spent a few years obsessing about him and what I could have done different, in regret.

Then I spent some angry years at the whole situation.

At some point, I truly became Indifferent, until now.

As I sit here overwhelmed with sadness, reflection and confusion at what was my biggest failure to date, watching on the news almost play by play The exact Scenario I saw happen on August 16th, 1977 happening again right now with Michael (A sight I never wanted to see again) just as he predicted, I am truly, truly gutted.

Any ill experience or words I have felt towards him in the past has just died inside of me along with him.

He was an amazing person and I am lucky to have gotten as close to him as I did and to have had the many experiences and years that we had together.

I desperately hope that he can be relieved from his pain, pressure and turmoil now.

He deserves to be free from all of that and I hope he is in a better place or will be.

I also hope that anyone else who feels they have failed to help him can be set free because he hopefully finally is.

The World is in shock but somehow he knew exactly how his fate would be played out some day more than anyone else knew, and he was right.

I really needed to say this right now, thanks for listening.”

~LMP

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abthepoet · 4 years

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All my friends are dead.

Something strange is trending in my life.

All my friends die.

At the beginning of my sophmore year in college, my roommate from freshman year died tragically in a single vehicle car crash. Her name was Allison Lynam. We called her Blake. She was sassy and funny and I wish I would've taken more time to know her.

The rain was torrential the night she died. I swear I've never seen it rain that hard ever again in my life. She drove to the store along Highway 36 in Long Branch,NJ. She had off campus housing that year and had to use the highway often. The road was terribly flooded the night she died. Im told she hydroplaned, spun, and T-boned the driver side smack into an electrical pole. Her family still decorates it.

At that very same moment, in my dorm room nearby, I was watching TV when the lights suddenly flickered and dimmed. A brown out.

I had no idea but that was my friend crashing into a pole and dying. She was 19 years old.

I know this because that accident happened near the mall. That accident killed the power to nearby businesses.

I later found out that the road she died on was so badly flooded, the police intended to close it. Why they didnt get to it in time, I'll never know. Maybe that's fate.

Then there was Jessica Blain. Jessica Blain was a firecracker of a human being. She was 100% unmistakable. One of the loudest, funniest, most loyal people and friends I have ever met. She was also an incredibly gifted singer and I was lucky enough to have Chorus with her. We, along with a small group of friends, founded a new greek organization on our campus, Alpha Xi Delta. We were paired up as Twins. (you can't have Bigs & Littles when you're just starting the Family Tree). We named the family we formed Fuck Up Your Shit. Because that's what we'd do for a friend. I miss her laugh most of all. It was loud and unapologetic. She was there for me, supportive, and encouraging without me ever having to ask. The night I officially finished college we all went out to the local gay club, The Colosseum. I got wasted, of course. But Jess was the person who when I shouted 'I have to pee' on the ride home, she stopped and knocked on strangers doors and asked to let me use their bathrooms. Nobody said yes so she held my hand while I peed on a fence instead. I remember the last time we spoke. She was at a concert with a mutual friend. We hadn't spoken much since I graduated, she was still in school.

She died in her dorm room bed on Halloween as a result of asphyxiation during an epileptic seizure. She was 20 years old. The news was broken to me that very same Halloween night as I floated along in NY on a concert cruise. The World/Inferno Friendship Society decided to host Hallowmas, their annual event, on a boat this year. Nothing like being trapped on a musical boat while you grieve. I had messaged her AIM late that night to say hi. She had an away message up. I may have sent a message to a dead person. I miss her friendship more than I realize sometimes.

That brings us to James Padden. James was a warm, snuggly bear of a guy who always tried to do the right thing and let me steal his hoodies. He insantly became my best friend in a Stepbrothers-esque manner. I met James working overnights at Wawa in Leonardo, NJ. I forget how it started now, but we were standing in front of the deli and I think I tossed him a broom or he already had one. . . I cant remember now.. . . but he just took one look at me with that mischievous little twinkle that I quickly returned and we instantly began sword fighting with our brooms. Like two little boys playing pretend and having a ball. He was sweet and silly and kind. I needed a ride, and he loved to drive. Our first winter as friends, we went out doing donuts in the snow. I barely knew him, but I felt safe. We smoked a ton of weed and had so many adventures trying to procure more. One time, we got so high driving to a Dropkick Murphys concert in NY we kept going in circles, missed almost the entire show save for the last 3-5 numbers, and had a blast. I can barely remember the night, but I remember laughing hard in that car. No one could talk to me like James. We were both insecure being chubby kids and adults, but so charismatic and grandiose that I sometimes thought we were the only two who would put up with listening to each others wild ideas and ridiculous banter. We would smoke joints and take adderall and talk about everything and anything. I miss the safety and closeness I felt with him. We were always 100% platonic, but we could nap together, I could walk into his house and jump on him in bed and wake him up. Then we would cook ourselves a breakfast feast and hit the beach. He taught me to always take the back roads. I gave him advice on the ladies. He taught me about fixing cars. I helped shave his back. He called his new pick up truck, a pick'um up truck. We could wax philosophical all damn day and not get sick of each other.

It wasnt just driving he loved, it was going fast. Like so many young white men, he had tendency to be a little reckless. The universe gave him a pass only so many times.

I'll never forget when he got his motorcycle. It was the last time I saw him. It was a bright green crotch rocket. He loved lime green. I was doing yoga in the living room when I heard this obnoxious engine rev down my street. I asked myself, who the hell is making this noise?! And it was James, grinning from ear to ear with a matching helmet on his shiny new toy.

before he left I said, 'you die on that thing, I'll bring you back to life and kill you." I remember giving him this very long and intentional hug and not knowing why I felt compelled to hang on.

When he left and hopped back on the bike, I felt compelled again and took a video of him riding away from my driveway until he was entirely out of sight.

That's my very last memory of him alive. James Padden died on Thanksgiving five days after his 25th birthday. He went out for a joyride on his bike before dinner, opened up to 100mph around a curve where he couldn't see a car pulling out around the bend in time. They called a medevac, but he died on scene. I loved James dearly and I regret drifting apart after we both left Wawa and I started a new relationship. He had stuff too, but in hindsight it never seems important.

Then there's JB. I will always remember JB for his kindness and generosity. The very first time I finally worked up the nerve to go to a poetry slam, I was alone and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. JB was the very first person to turn around, introduce himself, and welcome me. He made me feel like I belonged. Years later, when I won the title of Grand Slam Champion, he immediately offered to help coach me for national competition. Except, I didn't see the messages and left them unanswered, which I deeply regret. When I started hosting my own open mic a few years after that, JB would be one of the only people to consistently come support the show both as an audience member and participant. It was at a pizza joint and he would sometimes buy me food when I had no money. He wrote beautiful poems about his two young daughters and how much they inspired him. JB always tried to make people laugh but you could tell he carried a sadness. I did not get details, but from what I have gathered he made a choice to end his life. I wish I would have gotten closer to him and appreciated him more as a friend and person. I wonder if he felt no one cared about him and I feel like I should've let him know more.

Which brings us to Crys. Crystopher Anthony Diaz was a Scorpio with a big heart and a big personality. I met him on Myspace back in the day and started Web camming. We became friends and eventually fell into this gray area of friends, together, but not. It wasn't long before I was spending days at his place, killing hours at a time downloading music, making Wawa runs, and smoking weed with his roommate at the time, Syd. You know, the whole reason I worked at Wawa was Crys suggesting it. And Wawa is the reason I met James. Crys was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was poetic and artistic and loved animals, especially pit bulls. He loved to draw and write and had this very out loud style that favored Earth tones. He taught me about fashion and insisted on getting dressed even if it was 1am and we were just going to Wawa because you never know who you might see. We would buy new clothes at Walmart and have photo shoots. That boy drank his weight in coffee daily. If it's one thing I'll always remember him for, it's the dancing. Dancing was a passion of his and always used to talk about wanting to form a dance crew. Eventually, we ended up living together for four years. My first apartment was with him in this piece of shit duplex rented to us by a slumlord in Keansburg,NJ. My relationship with him was always defined by our Aries/Scorpio dynamic and he never let me forget it. His birthday was October 30th, mischief night. One time, after we had moved into a new place, we decided to get revenge on our old downstairs neighbor by taking a finished lobster carcass and throwing it on his lawn. . . . . . . Keansburg had a terrible stray cat problem. 😁

I have so many memories with Crystopher. Unfortunately, towards the end of our relationship things became too tumultuous. We had too much unresolved baggage and trauma to find a healthy place emotionally together. We were so financially strained for a time we hardly ate. And then when he met his new girlfriend Laura, she introduced him to her good friend, Roxy. As in Roxcicet. aka Blues. Neither of us knew what that even was at the time. But he sure learned quick. He started using them pretty frequently as time went on, and things only got more complicated. My mental health took a nose dive. By the time I moved out our relationship was trash. I basically left. At the time, I didnt have a choice. things had gotten so bad between us, the money, the using . . . we didn't act like friends anymore.

I saw him a couple times at his new place but that was years ago. Since then, he went through a lot, including homelessness and more struggles with addiction to opiates. He reached out to me and sent me a message apologizing for everything a couple years back. I never responded. I was afraid I would let him back into my life and let the all the problems back in. I didnt trust where he was at in his life. We lost touch and stopped speaking.

His ex, who used to live with us and became my friend, messaged me and told me he died a few days ago. He was 35. I'm still waiting for information, but it may have been drug related. I'm not even sure where I'm at with how I feel. I know why we stopped talking. It was the right thing to do at the time. But he didnt deserve to die so young, having spent the last god knows how many months homeless. It's fucking with me so hard because we never resolved anything. I loved this person so fucking much and we never made peace. Of everyone I've lost, he was the closest to me. I've had a lot of people die on me but none that I lived with and shared a life with. I have more memories with him than I can handle and while I know we hadn't spoken in years and why, I still wish I would've said something. Done something. Yes, i needed healthy boundaries but he needed somebody. when is being firm too firm? If we would've helped, could it have been different? But we didn't want to help at the time, you try to be tough and draw a line. Be firm. Not let yourself be taken advantage of. But is that a defense? Did that defensiveness leave a human being who's head i used to scratch until he fell asleep out in the cold to get sicker and die?

What am I supposed to learn from all this Universe? Why do you take my friends so young and so tragically? I'm only 35, I'm too young to have this much loss.

Because these are just the major players I've lost. It doesnt include my cousin Jared, who died being reckless on a motorcycle at 21 two years ago. I was 15 when he was born. I loved that baby, he used to bite my nose. But his family lived far, so I rarely saw him growing up. Last time I saw him was at my grandfather's funeral. He didn't remember me and the nose biting.

And then there's Marcos who we used to chill with. He worked delivery for our favorite chinese food place. He was a nice kid who lived with his grandparents. We would get food, smoke weed, hang out a little. Even used to buy it off him for a while. Eventually he got into the opiates too, he even wound up being good friends with Crys and being Blue buddies. But eventually Marcos died from an opiate overdose. He was in his mid twenties.

I didnt want to include Ricky because he was more of an acquaintance for me, he was more my partners childhood friend. But god damn, in the time I knew Ricky that kid was a riot. He was loud and funny and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. Drugs took him too.

Thanks for reading all this if you've made it this far. It's taken me about two hours to type this out on my phone. but i needed to. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

#death #story #story prompt #grief #friends #loss #love #dying #grieving #sad #lessons #life lessons #writeblr #writing #compose

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forgettinggirlinterrpted · 5 years

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5/8 - 5/13/19

It’s so easy sometimes to forget why I’m here. That’s my problem- I forget things. I forget my keys, I forget to turn my car off when I get gas, once I even forgot I biked somewhere and ended up walking home.

But worse than that, I forget emotions. I forget how miserable not having AC in my car makes me until late April rolls around, I forget when I’m mad at someone, I forget how happy I felt during some of the most important moments in my life. Most importantly- I forget when I’m sad.

I have brief moments that pop up in a sea of darkness that allow me, for just a moment, to laugh and feel like a real person. These moments happen a lot. I can see light and laughter during a panic attack before the flip switches and my brain turns back into a train running off static electricity and black mold. The fog clears for just a brief stop on the tracks and the mold crawls back to its host.

But same as the the fog clears, eventually so does my forgetfulness. My ability to forget is just as weak as it is powerful. Slowly but surely those mold covered trains start moving again with no clear destination. The black creeps in as I sit in the real world, hunched over, grasping onto my surroundings- yet failing to grasp onto any sort of consistent breathing pattern. I can forget sadness, but I can just as quickly forget happiness.

So here I am, in the day room of a psychiatric hospital, surrounded by people just like me. We have become our own ragtag group of misguided grownups. When I arrived here 7 days ago almost a year after my last admission to this hospital, I felt the trains moving at full speed through a pile of sludge. I stared at the painting on the wall and began to fear that here, I may not be able to utilize my warped superpower: my ability to forget.

But slowly, the other patients and I have begun to forget together- somehow forgetting without truly forgetting. Together, we can laugh not through the pain, but alongside it. This is the place where I don't have to feel bad for my moments of forgetfulness. Moments of comic relief and simple enjoyment. I don’t need to feel like my laughter negates my 10-year-old depression diagnosis.

Here, we are embracing those moments. We embrace the moments of happiness and sadness- in whichever order they decide to arrive. In a room full of people so different it looks like the set-up to a bad joke, we can forget in a place that is simultaneously forcing us to remember.

When I got here, my doctors told me to embrace the community. “If you don’t want to talk about your anxiety and depression, then just listen.” So I listened. And then I started talking.

One night, we all gathered in the day room, attempting to avoid the loneliness of our windowless rooms. As a Die Hard sequel blasted in the background, the addicts in the room discussed their journey through meth addiction. I asked questions. They answered. We all laughed. A heroin addict around my age told me, “seriously, don’t touch meth.”

The man next to me, Nate, said through the bustle of conversation and laughter, “are you here cuz of a drug?” I said no, and in his thick, mumbled, country accent he asked me, “then why you here?”

I told him that I’m sad.

He sighed, looked down at his folded hands and said, “yeah, I’m sad too.”

Nate loves movies and reading, M&M cookies, and meth. Up until he injected 3 grams of “ice” in a suicide attempt, he has been living on the streets. I halfway listened to the ongoing conversation about how incredible and horrifying hard drugs can be as he told me about a time he was arrested after ending up inside a university dorm building thinking he lived there. We all took a brief break to laugh even more when another patient, also coming from a recent suicide attempt, tried to enter the conversation by saying he had only ever “done weed once.”

Later, in his mumbled speech, Nate told the group about when he was high and stood in the middle of park downtown for 4 hours with a knife in his hand. We asked him what the hell he was doing just standing there.

He simply replied, “lookin’.”

I think we were unable, or even unwilling to truly focus on the scary reality behind Nate standing in a public park, knife in hand, waiting for cops that neither we, or even Nate, knew for certain were even coming.

So we just kept laughing.

As the night and following day before his release passed, I kept talking to Nate. I shared my extra cookies with him, and forced him to come paint in recreational therapy with me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how genuinely scared I would be if Nate tried to open my dorm room door in the middle of the night. Or if I saw him middle aged, 6’2”, with a bald head, tear drop tattoo, and the psychique of a retired bouncer, standing in park, knife in hand, having the time of his life.

I asked him if it scared him to be out of control like that. He said that was his favorite part; he didn’t mind losing control. Between him telling me about his attempt to end his life and the meth fueled antics that cost him both his new job in Florida and his boss’ iPad, I realized Nate was funny, knowledgeable, and vaguely socially aware.

During one of our conversations, we found ourselves trapped in a seminar about nutrition. He slapped his hands on his thighs and said, “well, time to go.” I whined and asked him to stay. My insistence on attending every activity offered was at odds with Nate’s style. A style that told me that maybe once he did have my naive enthusiasm towards recovery, but lost it somewhere along the way. He said “you want me to stay?” and plopped back into his chair. He knew I wanted him to be there, just as I had begged him earlier to attend a journaling group session- declining my invitation with a non-committal hand gesture and a “nah.”

We sat through the nutritionist explaining “My Plate,” an updated version of the food pyramid. Nate leaned sideways and quietly grumbled, “is that like MySpace,” and I chuckled quietly in a way that reminded me of my habit of exchanging bad jokes in attempts to survive a boring lecture. When the nutritionist asked what could be used as a meat substitute for protein, Nate shouted out every type of bean he could think of. She asked if anybody had eaten eggplant and he shouted, “oh hell yeah, I had an eggplant lasagna once and that shit was delicious.” His southern drawl made everything he said more melodic, and added a level of enthusiasm he often didn’t like to show- unless he is shouting expletives about his incredible experience with eggplant lasagna.

After I had completely tuned out the nutritionist and began to draw in my notebook, Nate leaned over and asked if we could be friends on Facebook. I sneakily handed him paper for him to write his name down. As he wrote, he told me he may not be able to respond for about 30 days.

It happened again. I had forgotten.

I had spent that day arguing with Nate about whether the book or movie version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is better. This was an especially unwinnable argument given that I had never seen the movie and only gotten 100 pages into the book, and Nate had only ever seen the movie.

He had given me movie suggestions, quoted Carrie, and given me shit for thinking a Pink Floyd song playing on the radio was by the B-52’s.

He ranted about the symbolism behind the music video for Another Brick in the Wall as he painted a birdhouse that he could have easily crushed by closing his fist.

So I forgot. I forgot when he interrupted my conversation with a social worker to mime towards my extra cookie I had leftover from snack time. He had already eaten the first one when I offered, and originally declined the second.

I was happy he asked for this one though, since I had only asked for the extra cookies so I could give them to him.

But he didn’t know that.

His casual mention of the 30 days made me chuckle, but also made me remember. Remember where I was, why I was here, and who I was talking to.

I remember that when we first met, Nate told me his father had been in this same hospital almost 23 years ago. He also told me he killed himself right after being discharged. He tried to tell me it didn’t bother him, but shrugged and mumbled, “I mean it prolly does but I don’t know.” I want to say he said it casually, but that wasn’t it. He wasn’t laughing, but he wasn’t crying either. Mainly, he seemed defeated. Tired, like this was just the beginning of a long list of bullshit he has tried to deal with in his own way.

He looked at me, but never fully turned his body.

He told me the only thing he truly remembers about the day his dad died.

During checkout, his dad checked a box on his discharge forms stating yes, he did think his time there had helped him. But his father made it clear to Nate that he didn’t think it helped his depression. When he asked his dad why he lied to the doctors, Nate’s father told him, “I just want to go home.”

This all flashes back, and I remember that despite a potential Facebook friendship, this was the last time I would see him. Mainly, I was forced to remember that I have no control over his sobriety- and that 2 days of talking and painting with a depressed 24-year-old is not going to keep him from running back to the life he is used to the moment things get difficult in his new facility.

I began to think about my plan of action if I see Nate in 30 days, 3 months, or 3 years from now, standing downtown waiting for a dealer, or embarking on one of the never-ending walks he takes to kill time when the meth steals his ability to sleep.

Would I stop for him? Am I prepared to know fully and truthfully that this attempt at sobriety had failed? That the system had failed? Am I ready to accept the fact that I live in a world where kind, smart, and funny people just aren’t given the chance at life they deserve?

I asked him why he thought this shot at sobriety would work, and he said, “I’m just tired man, this ain’t no life.” So again, I remember. I remember why he is here in the first place- Nate had tried to kill himself. What happens if this doesn’t all go according to plan? What’s next?

His favorite part of the drug he wants to quit is the lack of control, and his drug-fueled delusions grant him his own ability to forget. Nate wasn’t ashamed to tell me his stories, but made it clear he wasn’t particularly proud of them either- with an ambivalence that is both inspiring and troubling.

I fear the thought of everything he hadn’t had time to tell me about. I worry about what will happen when he begins to allow himself to remember.

During our first conversation, I told Nate I was afraid to leave the hospital because I thought the real world was scary. Without fully looking at me Nate shrugged and said, “it’s only as scary as you let it be.”

Before he checked out, I gave Nate my copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest to read in rehab.

Maybe one day we can finally finish our debate on the merits of each version of the story.

Selfishly, I mostly did this so Nate would remember me. But even if he throws the book away, I just hope he remembers to take his own advice. The world really is only as scary as we let it be.

In our groups sessions this past week, we have talked a lot about forgiveness and second chances. For the past 6 months, I have struggled to handle my anxiety and depression, making my constant battle between forgetting and remembering unbearable.

I’ve learned I need to give myself a second chance, and allow myself to to let go of the things that fuel the trains in my head.

Nate and I are both giving ourselves our own second chances- ones that might end up with us both back in this hospital. Ones that will be scary.

Whether or not we crash and burn, these are second chances I think we both truly deserve.

The trains in my head will never fully stop, and that’s ok. I feel ready to go home. I feel ready to attempt to live in a world without fear.

And, for the sake of Nate and every single way our short friendship changed me- I just want to allow myself to forget, but always remember to remember.

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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979

survey by xalikattx

FOOD

What is your favorite salad dressing? I’m not really familiar with most of them as I only consume one type of salad and the recipe for that usually calls for mayo and some kind of spicy sauce. I guess that’s my favorite dressing by default.

Favorite sit-down restaurant? Yabu for days. I personally don’t think that will change for me. Mama Lou’s is also nice but its crowd can be so boujee it kills the dine-in experience for me.

Favorite pizza topping? I’m easy to please; I just like my pizzas cheesy.

What food could you eat for two weeks straight and not get sick of it? Fried chicken sandwiches.

What do you put on your toast? Butter is fine with me. I don’t really eat toast.

What food do you eat the most? I have rice in every meal.

Do you like food? Yes.

Do you LOVE food? Yesssssssssir. I have my preferences and things that I don’t like but I’m not picky for the most part, and I love being adventurous with the foods I try.

Do you even eat at all? ...What kind of question is this

What do you put on your ice cream? I never customize my ice cream. I usually consume ice cream however way it’s already served.

Do you like steak? For sure.

Or are you a vegetarian? No.

How about a vegan? No.

What food do you hate the most? I’ve never learned how to appreciate kakanin, which is a group of a variety of sweet rice cakes that we have in Philippine cuisine. This has definitely caused my Filipino card to be revoked in the past lol, but ugh the texture is just so slimy and I hate how, even though we have so many types of kakanin, they all just taste and feel like sticky, chewed-up rice doused in sugar and coconut flakes. Korean rice cakes taste so much better.

TECHNOLOGY

How many TVs are in your house? We have four. Two downstairs, two upstairs.

Do they all work? I think the one in my brother’s room has stopped working but we just never get around to throwing it out because of the possibility of it getting fixed someday.

Do you have Comcast digital cable? I don’t know what that is. Probably a US thing? In that case we don’t. We used to have cable TV but my dad ceased our subscription a few months ago because no one in the family has been watching the TV for cable anymore and he got sick of paying for something that we don’t even avail of; we all stream our shows and movies on Netflix now.

AT&T Uverse? Definitely no AT&T on this side of the world, so no.

Dish Network? No.

Something else? Obviously.

Nothing? Again, it was a local cable provider but we’ve since cut off our subscription.

What's your favorite show? Of all time, Breaking Bad. Currently, it’s The Crown but I’ve been such a bad viewer at the moment; I stopped watching at some point a few months ago and haven’t gone back to Netflix since, welp.

What's the worst show? I don’t objectively know what’s the worst one out there but when it comes to my personal preferences, I’ve just never seen the appeal of shows targeted to teenagers or a younger demographic in general, like Teen Wolf, 13 Reasons Why, Riverdale, the TV adaptation of Scream, etc. Of course, this is just my own taste and I certainly don’t judge people who enjoy these shows.

What color cell phone do you have? The official name is Space Gray but that’s too fancy so let’s just call it black.

What kind? iPhone 8.

What does the first text message in your inbox say and who sent it? So I scrolled all the way down to the bottom of my text threads and the last person on the list is Ate Frances, and she was just telling me to check my Messenger because she had sent me a question regarding an event our org was holding at the time.

What was the last text you sent and who did you send it to? Gabie. I simply said “hi.”

Who was the last person to call you? My mom.

Who was the last person you called? Gab.

CURRENTLY

Are you missing someone? Yeah but let’s not get into it.

What are you listening to? I can hear rain pouring from outside my window.

Watching? It’s mostly background noise because I’m focusing on this survey, but I have on a YouTube video playing.

Worrying about? Work. I was tasked to think of PR executions for a client over the weekend and I just really really dislike it when I’m assigned to something that forces me to brainstorm, so ugh. Wish me luck because my brain juices have been feeling weak all weekend.

Where are you? I’m in my bedroom, my favorite place to be these days.

What's it like there? Lonely, but it’s quiet and comfortable. I used to avoid my bedroom all the time everyday because it makes me depressed, but now I am depressed and prefer to stay here all the time too.

How are you feeling? A little sad but I think tonight’s one of the nights I can fake it a little more easily, which is decent enough for me.

Is anyone with you? Who? Just Kimi.

Are you hungry? I haven’t had an appetite in a while. No.

What do you want to eat? I’m not craving anything.

Thirsty? I’m good, thank you.

What do you want to drink? I might end up drinking some of the plum soju that’s been in the fridge for months tonight, even though I told myself I wasn’t interested in touching it lol.

What time is it? 6:58 PM.

LASTS

Thing you ate? A tuna empanada.

Thing you drank? Pretty sure it was just water.

Thing you said? “Go, pee” It was to Kimi as I set him down on the balcony.

Movie you watched? I’m Thinking of Ending Things. Ugh, I really should watch a more light-hearted movie soon because this answer is such a depressing one and I’m tired of mentioning it.

Store you went to? What did you buy? Grocery store; dog food.

Person you talked to? My sister.

Person you hugged? I think it was Gabie.

Kissed? Also her.

Yelled at? I haven’t raised my voice in a while. I don’t remember anymore.

Book you read? Midnight Sun.

Thing you touched? Other than the keyboard, I pushed up my eyeglasses.

Person you became friends with on Facebook/Myspace/whatever other site? [continued the next day] A co-intern, Justine, added me on Facebook. I honestly don’t see the point of being Facebook friends because we’re bound to part ways and never encounter each other again after our internship...but I guess it’s nice to have friendly co-workers.

RANDOM

Are a righty or a lefty? Righty.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Just a decaying tooth, but otherwise no organs or anything larger.

What is the last heavy object you lifted? Does Cooper count? Little man has been getting so big over the last few weeks. He’s finally getting the growth spurt that we’ve been waiting for :’D But I don’t really do heavy lifting around the house, so.

Have any scars? Sure.

How did you get them? Any interesting stories? Most of them are scars from childhood falls, because I was the clumsiest kid in the neighborhood and tripped and scraped my legs at least once every time I played outside. There’s a scar on my left eyebrow from an idiot cousin who had been out to make me blind, and then there’s the self-harm scars as well.

if it were possible, would you want to know the day you're going to die? Yes. It’s one of the things I’ve always wanted to know.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I’m happy with mine. I’m not five anymore.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? If it was like sriracha then yeah. Not willing to do anything overly hot, though.

How about 10 bottles of ketchup? I’d be more enticed if you offered mayonnaise, but even then I think such a feat deserves a higher prize than $1000.

10 bottles of maple syrup? Thinking of how thick that is already hurts my throat. Pass.

A bottle of vinegar? HELL no.

10 jars of peanutbutter? HELL yes but again, I’m gonna be asking for more money lol

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? A couple. They’re not my favorite things to wear so I don’t feel the need to collect a lot of them.

Favorite month? April because birthday month; December because even though that’s when my depression strikes the hardest, everyone else is caught up in the holidays and that allows me to guiltlessly cut off contact with people for a few weeks.

Do you always answer your phone? If you mean calls, then no. I do not pick up if it’s an unknown number, but after rejecting I immediately text them asking who they are and what they’re calling for. I just feel like it’s proper etiquette to text before you call, especially if you’re reaching out to me for the first time.

It's four AM and you get a text message, who is it? Gabie for sure. She’s on the graveyard shift, so it wouldn’t be a surprise.

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I’m okay with mine, but if I got reincarnated as a foreigner I’d love to have hazel eyes. They look very pretty.

Do you own a digital camera? Not anymore. My phone camera can take good enough photos.

Do you take lots of pictures of yourself? Hell no.

Do you take them in front of the mirror in the bathroom? Nope.

Have you ever had a pet fish? I had several goldfish as a kid, yes.

Pet hamster? Nope. That’s mostly a Western thing too I think; I don’t think I know anyone who’s ever had a hamster.

Bird? We had lovebirds before; they were so low-maintenance and made for such sweet pets.

Rabbit? Yep. Tobi was a bit of a handful, but I loved him all the same.

Iguana? No.

Favorite Christmas movie? Love Actually and It’s A Wonderful Life.

Favorite Christmas song? Probably It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas. It’s so soothing and yet makes me feel festive and excited for Christmas.

Can you do push ups? I can, doesn’t mean I’m good at holding myself up ha.

Can you do a chin up? I can but I hate those.

Does the future make you nervous or excited? Both.

Ever been in a car accident? Just minor ones.

Do you have an accent? I think everyone does. I’ve honestly never understood this question lol, if I go to a different country or continent, people are always going to have an accent in my ears. Even in my own country, I can think of a number of accents I’ve heard people speak in.

What song always makes you cry? 26 by Paramore.

Have any plans for tonight? Rest my tired head.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Talking to Gabie.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ugh, Monday.

#survey #surveys

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wcuatbo-blog · 5 years

Text

Start of Wrestling Community United Against Toxic Behavior Online?

Hi Everybody, This is Spudz,

Some might remember me from myspace & early years of facebook & twitter I use to run the Wrestling Fans Against Posers On Myspace (WFAPOM), Wrestling Fans Against Posers On Social Networks(WFAPOSN) on facebook & twitter accounts, almost forgot tumblr too.

Posers as in those that catfish/posed others as wrestlers & others talent in the wrestling business. I regularly updated listings of those real & those ones that were posers, both became quite large. In Late 2011, I burned out after after several years running the accounts, Early 2012 i posted I had lost my passion to update and started to move on & do other stuff with my free time, besides posting on 1 message board, the name Spudz disappeared from the online social media world and I had no plans to ever reappear until yesterday, when I realize there was a new cause worth coming back for to try make things better.

Some people look down at those that are into wrestling, Those that love wrestling, We see the art, the athleticness, the combining of many things into this almost unique form of entertainment. we get lost in it, it real to us.. It can make us forget troubles, our struggles, it often lifts us up, when we are down, it gives us strength, it brings people together in so many ways. It bonds us.

We all can agree to disagree on so many things, We all don't see the same things when watching. The (wrestling) world is not perfect, and won't ever will be but I think we can agree it can always be better, but what we get, can be very amazing and we should respect those that make the effort to give us so much entertainment. Being a wrestling fan in 2019 is very great, especially if you have access to the internet. There so much wrestling related stuff that can be watched/listen to, like never before with in seconds from all over the world, old stuff, new stuff, all different kind of flavors.

We all are living in this crazy, yet amazing place called Earth(I think anyways, if you are on Mars, special Hi to you). Tech has made this world, closer than ever, we all can have our say heard. Which I think is good but many have decided to use it for wrong reasons.Like being mean, spreading hate, shaming others on their looks, bodies, skin colors, gender, sexuality, faith/religion, (dis)abilities etc with no care on how damaging it can be to others everywhere.

It has been causing trouble, issues for the whole wrestling community, probably since the start of the internet. What I mean by the whole wrestling community, I'm including everybody from the talent, the media (journalists/reporters, podcasters, etc) and the fans. It feels like it starting to reach it a boiling point where people are quiting Social media, maybe even harming them selves cause of this toxic behavior.

I think it very dang sad, This all around toxicness, It not needed , we can be better then this, we all can make this a better community. Let come together and not further apart. Lets Respect one another, Not shitty to each other (sorry for the curse word), think before speaking or typing, When it something like Do i really need to let it be known that I have this beyond negative thought about another person's body, etc especially if there a chance that they might see /read/ hear the comment. We all need to stop this silly Us vs Them, everyone against us mindset that so many fans seem to have thats get taken too far in my eyes anyways, There room for everybody, even if you might only support, love, like 1 or 2 wrestling companies.

I could go on some and maybe at a later time I will, but I want keep this short as I can but before that.. I know there going be people that have read this and they going be thinking people are just too sensitive, too much of a pussy, there is nothing wrong with a lot of this stuff being said that people consider is toxic, it isn't a big deal, etc. To those people I will say, try having a heart. Don't be me me me 24/7, We need to give some form of support to everyone if anything even if it just words, Not be toxic and hurtful towards them, when we all are already battling so much in our lives.

With that said I feel there needs to be a outlet online on social media to at least be able to have some communication / discussion, at this point I don't know it would be good to have like a witch hunt against all these toxic people, trolls or not, but who knows maybe just seeing some talk on what kind of damage toxic behavior online can do and such, will make some people change or stop so welcome to the.. Wrestling Community United Against Toxic Behavior Online

#Wrestling #WWE #AEW #ROH #Impact Wrestling

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vividvega · 7 years

Text

At thirteen I met him online through Myspace

I know that to meet someone there isn’t the ideal place

Because people want to interact and see each other face to face

But I was in no rush to fall in love as if it were a race

So we met in person and instantly we became best friends

He was always the guy that would reach out for me until the earths ends

We met at thirteen years old and I know that’s too young

But happiness and laughter is what was brung

At fourteen we fell in love but we pushed that feeling away

At fourteen he brought me the nicest words to say

At fourteen he brought me a rose

And at fourteen I wrote him a love letter of prose

At fourteen he asked me to be his girlfriend

And I accepted because of all the nice things said

We talked on the phone like a couple should

And I told him my sorrows because I know he understood

To bring me happiness I know he could

And to always be there for me I know he would

But we decided we would be better off as friends

But deep down inside we knew our love would never end

At fifteen we were still best friends but we weren’t going out

Because that’s not what our relationship was about

Outside we had this platonic love for one another

But deep down inside we knew we were in love with each other

At fifteen I started seeing someone else

But being with him wasn’t the type of happiness I should’ve felt

Every time we’d try seeing someone else it didn’t feel right

So to each other we held on even more tight

At fifteen he gave me advice

At fifteen he tried to protect me from the world’s lies

He healed the wounds others brought

At fifteen I realized this was the type of love people sought

At fifteen I knew he was unique

And I realized there was no one else to seek

At sixteen he told me he was still in love with me throughout the years

And that losing me would be his biggest fear

We’d see other people but we knew we belonged together

But we didn’t stay because we were too young to be in a relationship that would last forever

At sixteen when he got his license he drove to see me and brought me a smile

And all I wanted was for that moment to last for awhile

At sixteen I’ve went through a lot of troubles in life

Be he looked passed them and said he’d think I’d make a great wife

I remember once he got me out of a bad situation

And he said he still loved me without hesitation

I told him I could never love anyone the way I do for him

Because his love is stuck in my heart to my limbs

At sixteen when I thought I was pregnant from a man who forced me

David said he’d claim the child as his and marry me

Pregnant is not what I turned out to be

He told me if I had been he would’ve continued loving me

At seventeen we never had sex and we never once kissed

But that doesn’t mean our feelings were dissed

Because our love was strong enough to not need intimacy

But at seventeen the world decided to take him away from me

Because at thirteen we fell in love but in the end he couldn’t stay

Because at seventeen my first love passed away

At seventeen I went to his funeral and I cried

At seventeen I had this feeling of emptiness that can’t be described

At seventeen I realized that the world had lied

At seventeen the roses have died

At eighteen the smile he brought faded into my deepest abyss

At eighteen I had my first kiss

At eighteen all I felt for others was emptiness

At eighteen I didn’t want to exist

I’d call his cellphone just to pretend he was still alive

And every day happiness and laughter didn’t arrive

At nineteen the clouds started to fade

At nineteen sadness and joy made a trade

At nineteen even poetry couldn’t take away the pain

At nineteen a new love I have gained

At twenty I realized I could never rip away my love for you

Because ripping it away would be like ripping away the sky from blue

At twenty I realized that I had to move on in life

At twenty I realized one day I would be someone else’s wife

At twenty one I finally decided for the first time to visit his grave

At twenty one I realized our love couldn’t be saved

But he was enrooted into my veins

At twenty one the sky stopped the rain

At twenty one I picked up a pencil and I wrote you a letter of prose

At twenty one I wondered why you were the one life chose

At twenty one a poem for you to your grave I would bring

At twenty one the roses finally started to blossom that spring

At twenty two I’m still editing this poem

And at this very moment I’ve never felt so alone

Every day I miss you and wish your life I could save

Because at twenty two you buried my heart along with you in your grave

This has been the worst year that could be

I wish you were here to save me…

I’m twenty three now and can’t finish this poem for years

I guess it can’t be finished from the denial of you not being here

I haven’t visited your grave ever again

But I can never get you out of my head

It’s been six years since you passed away

It’s been ten years since I began to love you everyday

I bet you’d be proud of who I’ve become

Thank you for teaching me you were always the one

At twenty three I’m writing to you to ask for my heart

Since you buried it with you in your grave when life ripped us apart

I don’t ask for it back to fall in love with someone else

I just need my heart back so I can love myself

I will continue to edit this poem throughout the years

I will always continue to write because of you my dear

(This poem has been written throughout the course of 10 years and I don’t think it will ever be finished) - @vividvega

#vivid vega #poet #poem #poems #poetry #poets #quote #quotes #ten years #10 years #rest in peace #david #mental health #depression #quote of the day #poem of the day

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average-taurus · 6 years

Text

There is a website called Smallworlds.com and I’ve played that game since I was 10 years old. Underage, I know, but everyone was underage when I started lmao. I remember finding the game on a MySpace widget, and ever since I fell in love! But.. The other day, I found out that they are closing down on April 8th due to money issues. I cannot tell you how devastated I am. That game was my entire childhood. I met someone extremely important to me on that website, and we’ve been good friends since 2009. I can understand why SW failed, though. It’s a virtual world and the demand for virtual worlds have declined for awhile now. Club Penguin just shut down awhile ago, though I didn’t play that game, its still sad that virtual worlds aren’t as popular anymore. SW mainly was just a chatting website. You could decorate spaces with your friends, make art/sculptures, chat with people in public spaces, create missions (basically interactive stories) and lots more. But there really wasn’t much to do outside of that and that’s why I think the game ended up failing.

In 2015 I believe, they made account sharing impossible. A lot of people quit the game due to that, and since the player count has dwindled significantly. Actually, I did share an account with my friend and after that she never played the game again. I also feel as though they made getting gold too easy. While I appreciate that SW tried to keep VIP and non-VIP as equal as they could, I still think earning gold should have been limited because then more people would have spent actual money on the game. I personally got hundred of thousands of gold just from doing surveys and earning gold for free. I wouldn’t have had that much if it was limited, therefore I would have probably bought more gold from the store. It’s also really annoying IMO that they opened a donation pool last month, but never told us exactly what would happen if they didn’t reach the goal. According to a lot of people, the duration for the donation pool wasn’t met, like they ended it sooner than they said they would. They also did not provide good packages - if they offered a cool package, like a VIP package, they would have gotten more money from the donation pool because people like to have rare items. I personally did not donate - heh.. I forgot, like a week after seeing it bc I needed money - but I would have felt more inclined to buy something if they offered better rewards for doing so. I can see why SW wouldn’t offer items in the packages though, in fear of having to close down the website and taking those items away from people. Despite SW shutting down - and part of me still just hopes they’ll sell the fkn game to another company - I’m glad that I got to be there for the 9 years that I have. I’ve met some amazing people and was taught a lot of amazing lessons. I have a LOT of memories on SW, and I hope that I won’t forget them. Smallworlds honestly is super important in my life. I feel like it helped me grow when I was younger. It gave me things to do and friends to chat with. It opened my eyes to different cultures around me and it opened my eyes to the differences humans have. I was exposed to that at a young age, and ever since I feel that SW has impacted me in a good way since 2009. But SW will always be different than the rest of them - it’s simply the most unique virtual world anyone could have created. Absolutely nothing can one up Smallworlds. SW has the best graphics and more to do than a lot of virtual worlds. It really breaks my heart knowing that the place that was my safe haven - the place I’ve known my entire life - is shutting down and once the timer is up, I will never be able to go to those places again. Although I have stopped playing as much as I did, obviously since I got older, SW was still the one thing I could go to when I was having a bad time. It sounds dumb, but being in my little house I decorated on there is really comforting, even if nobody else is there. Deep in my heart, I hope there is something we can do to save the game. But also, I know that nothing will be changed. I’m grateful for all that SW has done for me - it’s just hard to say goodbye to something that has been so significant in your life. I plan to go through all of my space, all of my missions, and record it and take screen shots. I don’t want to forget the amazing things I’ve done in the game. I want to take pictures with the girl - Kaylee - I’ve been friends with for so long due to this website. I guess the only thing I can do now, is spend the little time I have left on the game and appreciate it for what it’s worth.

#text #personal #smallworlds #sw #dan smallworlds #virtual game #virtual world

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