theiaevangelineashwell

[theiaevangelineashwell]

I wasn’t fed love on a silver spoon

And when you’re starved for something so vital

You’ll accept it from anywhere you can

You’ll lick it out of the mixing bowl when no one’s looking

Or sneak it off someone else’s plate 

Dig for it in the trash

Maybe lick it off of knives 

Just worry about the blood later 

It’s so easy to find in the bottle the first time

But nothing can ever be that easy more than once

So it creeps down deeper and deeper

Until you’re hitting the bottom

And once it has its’ hooks in you

Once you’ve fallen so far down the rabbit hole

You don’t remember which way is up

It

Just

Disappears

#tw addiction #tw #tw self destruction #tw alchohol mention #tw al #tw alchoholism #poems on tumblr #spilled thoughts #tw depressing thoughts #sad thoughts #spilled pages #sad poetry #spilled poetry #tw alcohol #dep #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #sorry for being depressing #tortured poets era

[theiaevangelineashwell]

I don’t think you’ll ever know just how much you mean to me

You were the first friend I had in that place

I remember being 13 and so nervous

I felt like such an alien around people who all knew exactly what they were doing

And you just walked right up and decided we were gonna be friends

We had so much fun being kids

Just wild and happy and a little obnoxious but free 

But fate had other plans and our branches grew in different directions

Though the roots could never be untangled

We got lucky enough that we found our way back to each other 

And we just picked up like no time had passed 

I’ll always have so much love for you

Sometimes it makes my heart ache

And that night when we danced and laughed and just laid on your grass 

Drunk and breathless without a care in the world

I think I finally understood what it means to feel infinite 

Long live us

#poems on tumblr #spilled pages #best friends #long live #soulmates #poetry #we were girls together #platonic love #the perks of being a wallflower #we were infinite

[theiaevangelineashwell]

I’ve spent the better part of a decade trying to figure out how I would write this

They say time heals all wounds

But the years pass me by in a haze and your presence in my mind grows stronger by the day

I don’t know why, but I really loved you

I think a part of me always will

Despite how fucked up that sounds

And back then

I just desperately wanted you to love me back

I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone just how badly you fucked me up

Mind

Body

And soul

There is agony carved into my bones and signed in your blood

If you asked me if I would go back and change any of it

I honestly don’t know what my answer would be

Maybe I’d never meet you at all

And spare myself a lifetime of wondering where it all went wrong

Maybe I’d trust in what’s meant to be

And let it all play out exactly the same way

Or maybe

I’d pray to every god in this universe

And beg them to just let us make it

#honesty hour #spilled poetry #tw depressing thoughts #toxic attraction #would've could've should've #dear universe #dear john #regret #unfinished #spilled thoughts #sad poetry #poems on tumblr #venting #trauma

[theiaevangelineashwell]

Art in the park

[theiaevangelineashwell]

I took a test online once

To see if I was the Soldier

The Poet

Or the King

It told me I was the King

I always thought I’d be the poet

I think all kings long to be poets

In the same way that all eldest daughters long to just be children

Why bury your pain for the sake of others when you can turn it into art

Why raise children you didn’t make

But just like the test said

“The sword is at your side”

“It bore your name long before you did”

I never asked it to bear my name

I want to be free of it

But we all want what we are not meant to be

“You are tired of being steady. You dream of feeling alive. Not that you aren't, but, sometimes, it's hard to remember that there is a heart between your ribs.” -@atlanticsea

#poems on tumblr #soldier #poet #king #atlanticsea #spilled thoughts #poetry #soldier poet king #parentified child #eldest daughter

[theiaevangelineashwell]

You tell your family you don’t want kids 

Queue the barrage of rebuttals 

“You’ll change your mind when you’re older”

“But what if your husband wants them”

“Don’t you want to give your mom grandbabies”

“Who will take care of you when you’re old”

You’ll laugh it off

Make a joke about global warming 

Or the collapsing economy 

Or the impending apocalypse

But how do you tell them that's not really it

How do you tell the people that supposedly love you 

That there's something fundamentally wrong with you

That you’re impulsive 

And reckless

And destroy everything you touch

How do you make them understand that you’re not parent material

That you came from a long line of people who never should’ve had kids

That you don't have a maternal bone in your body

And any child born from you would suffer having you for a mother

How do you tell them you don’t want to fuck up your kid the way you were

#spilled thoughts #poetry #poems on tumblr #sad thoughts #parenting #childfree #tw depressing thoughts

[theiaevangelineashwell]

Where did my girlhood go

Was she lost the first time I laid with someone

Or the day in elementary when I looked down and saw blood

Was she lost somewhere in between the lines

Of my mother tucking me in with my blankie 

And realizing I couldn’t walk down the street without hearing them whistle

Maybe she was never there to begin with

And the space between my legs has always been a proverbial noose around my neck

There’s something so female about being hated for existing

#tw depressing thoughts #depressing post #original poem #sad poem #feminism #patriarchy #spilled pages #spilled words #spilled poetry #spilled thoughts #sad thoughts #sad poetry #misogyny #poetry #poems on tumblr #tw harassment #sad boi hours

[theiaevangelineashwell]

It was never meant to go this far

A messy room

One cut

Unfinished homework

Two cuts

Dirty dishes

Three cuts

A bad grade

Four

It was right in front of your face the whole time

Fluorescent lights

A school counselor's office

“Why would you do this”

“It must be that music”

“You’re making us feel like we failed as parents”

Well maybe you fucking did

#tw self destruction #tw sharp things #tw shelf harm #depressing post #original poem #sad poem #poems on tumblr #spilled thoughts #sad poetry #sad thoughts #poetry #tw depressing thoughts #depressing poem #spilled pages #spilled poetry #spilled words

[theiaevangelineashwell]

New year resolutions

Romanticize my melancholic solitude.

Be unapologetically insane.

Stay aesthetically pleasing

[theiaevangelineashwell]

i’m glad you’re here. merry christmas ❤️

That means a lot more to me than you’ll ever know. I really needed that. Thank you, I’m glad you’re here too. Merry Christmas ❤️

[theiaevangelineashwell]

To My Father

Somehow, the one good thing that came out of you leaving me is I now have this blank space for all of my worst feelings. And no one, at least anytime soon, will ever see them. And maybe somehow, someway, they'll find their way back to you in this vast universe we have? I've never been a believer but I have to believe there's a life after this. Otherwise, what would even be the point? And maybe one day, some historian will study our society and see these messages and think "wow, she was a sad sack of shit!" And they'd probably be right! Because I know that I'm making all the wrong decisions but I'm far too stubborn to let anyone else tell me that. Hell, I'm too stubborn to even tell myself that. But I wish you were here to tell me that. Maybe I'd actually listen to you. Doubtful, but maybe. I guess we'll find out in 60 some odd years. Until then, I'll keep sending these and hope that somehow you find them.

#grief #tw depressing thoughts #tw dead mention #tw dead parent #sad thoughts #spilled pages #spilled words #spilled thoughts #sad boi hours

[theiaevangelineashwell]

The late nights and whispers and touches

They were all lies

There was never anything real between us

I would've done anything to make it real

You'd say all the right things to make me want you

Give just enough affection to draw me in

Then rip it all away when you were bored

And a part of me wants to be avenged for what was taken from me

But we both know it's too late for that

Had I known back then the pain and torment it would cause me now

Maybe I would have chosen differently

Maybe that would have been the turning point in our story that went so horribly wrong

#tw self destructive behavior #tw abuse #depressing poem #spilled thoughts #spilled pages #sad thoughts #sad poetry #anger #regret #loss #poems on tumblr #spilled words #sadbeautifultragic #sad boi hours

[theiaevangelineashwell]

Can you please reblog if your blog is a safe place for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual, aromantic, pansexual, non binary, demisexual or any other kind of queer or questioning people? Because mine is.

[theiaevangelineashwell]

Late nights in your basement

Hiding from the world

Whispered sweet nothings 

And touches that were anything but innocent

We should've known better

We were a violent storm

And the wind gave me whiplash

Thrusting us in every different direction

We were bound to crash and burn

It wasn't healthy

It was stupid and reckless

But God was it a rush

Given the chance

I'd do it all over again

#tw self destructive behavior #poems on tumblr #depressing poem #poetry #spilled poetry #spilled thoughts #spilled words #late night thoughts #toxic attraction #unhealthy love #sad poetry #sad thoughts #sad boi hours #sadbeautifultragic

[theiaevangelineashwell]

Little white house

At the end of the street

Sneaking through the back door

And quietly up the stairs

In my dreams I burn it to the ground

In my nightmares I'm still trapped there

Pinned to your bed

With your hand between my legs

And my face shoved into the pillow

How could you possibly want me for anything else?

#poetry #tw depressing thoughts #trauma #abuse cw #depressing poem #tw sex assault #sad thoughts #sad poetry #spilled pages #spilled words #spilled thoughts #spilled poetry #poems on tumblr #sad poem #original poem #tw self destructive behavior