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study-coffee-chicago · 1 year

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Holiday Away (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead Sister Imagine)

A/N: I figured I'd write a festive imagine! Don't forget to vote and comment!

Enjoy!

"Hey! The Halsteads are here!" Hermann exclaimed as you, Jay, and Hailey walked into Molly's.

"Three-fourths of us," you answered. "Will's at work."

"He'll be here later though, Hermann. Don't you worry," Jay reassured him.

"Good," Cindy said. "We have more than enough food.

"Where's everyone else?" you asked, meaning the rest of 51. You knew that everyone's schedule always got screwed up during the holidays, so some people on their normal shift got stuck working a different one.

"Pretty sure Stella and Kelly picked up a bit of overtime, so they should be here soon. I don't know when all the rest of them will be here," Herrmann answered.

"Well, I went out with Gallo, Violet, and Ritter last night and Gallo and Ritter were three sheets to the wind when we left, so they're probably sleeping off hangovers," you said.

At this, Jay's eyes widened. "You didn't tell me that. Did they get home okay? I told you to call me or Will if you needed a ride home."

"Violet said she'd get them back to her apartment at least. And, she texted me when she was back, so don't worry. Jeez, have a little faith in me, Jay."

Jay rolled his eyes.

"Guys, we can continue this conversation when we have some food," Hailey said.

Jay nodded. "Good point."

The three of you grabbed Thanksgiving food with all the fixings from the bar and sat down.

The minute you sat down, in waltzed Adam, Kim, and Makayla followed by Kevin and... you gasped.

"Vanessa?!" you exclaimed and jumped up.

"Looks like they pulled it off," Kevin said as you ran up to her and gave her a hug.

You pulled away and gave a confused look to Kevin. "Pulled what off?"

"We all knew for months that she was coming home for Thanksgiving, but we decided to surprise you."

"Well, consider me surprised!"

"Alright, grab some food and then you can catch up!" Hermann yelled. "Cindy will murder me if all this food she and her book club made goes to waste!"

"Christopher!" Cindy yelled.

Hermann shrugged. "What? It's true."

You all laughed and then let the rest of Intelligence fill their plates while you helped Jay push together a table so that you could all sit together.

When Vanessa sat down, you decided it was time that you broke out your Spanish...despite how rusty it was from two years of online Spanish classes plus your current gap year between undergrad and grad school.

***

Half an hour later, Kelly and Stella walked in. And then, fifteen minutes after them, came Gallo, Violet, and Ritter.

"Hey!" Stella yelled. "If anyone wants drinks, c'mon up to the bar!"

"They ain't free, though!" Hermann yelled again. Cindy gave him a side-eye. "Fine. Fifty percent off, but only because it's a holiday. And, Lee Henry will be here with the other kids soon, so if he wants a drink, don't give it to him! He's still a few months away from the legal drinking age."

A few of the first responders laughed and then you waited for a few people to get up and go to the bar and then you went up.

When you ordered your drink from Stella, you had to yell over how loud it was starting to get. Some of the doctors and nurses from Med had just walked in, so there were even more people here. You couldn't believe it had only been you, Hailey, and Jay just a little over an hour ago.

"Hey, Y/N," Stella greeted. "What can I get for you?"

"Something fruity and a bit strong," you said.

Stella raised her eyebrows and she shared a look with Kelly who was sitting at the bar right next to you.

"Everything okay?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah, everything's fine," you answered. "Just started to get a bit crowded in here and I know my social meter will go down in about an hour."

"Your what?" he asked.

"I won't feel like being around people in an hour," you clarified.

"Fair enough," he said.

Then, Violet came and stood next to you. "Hey, Y/N. You hungover at all from last night?"

You shook your head. "I only had two drinks last night, remember? And they were super spaced out. You have any trouble getting Gallo and Ritter back to your place?"

"The hardest part was getting Gallo in and out of the car and up the stairs. Luckily Ritter wasn't as drunk as Gallo so he helped me with that part."

"Good. He drinking anything tonight?"

Violet smiled. "Well, he said no more drinking last night, but in about hour he'll probably break that. But, Ritter promised he'd only have two drinks tonight so I don't have to deal with both of them like I did last night."

"Well, that's good."

Then, Stella came out with your drink and you handed her some money. When you got back to your table, Makayla asked if you'd play her in Trivia Crack, to which you happily obliged.

***

You had been here for a little over three and a half hours and to say it was loud would be an understatement. Stella and Kelly were here, and so was Gallo since they didn't have close family to go to. Violet and Ritter had left a while ago to go spend some time with their families and Adam, Kim, and Makayla had left so that they could break into the pie that Makayla and Kim had made last night and Adam promised that they'd decorate for Christmas tonight, too. Will was here and since he had to drive himself home, he was capping himself at two drinks, so he wasn't as loud as Jay was because he was officially three sheets to the wind as of two drinks ago (Hailey had officially cut him off and Stella would now be serving him soda water with a splash of alcohol on the straw so that he assumed the drink was alcoholic). And there were lots of first responders who you hadn't met who were on shift and just stopped by for a Thanksgiving meal because they weren't able to spend the day with their families since they were working.

Unbeknownst to you, Hailey had had many a panic attack in her life and had been watching your body language. She had noticed how your brow was slightly furrowed all the time and how your eyes seemed to be hyper-focused on your drink in front of you and how your foot was bouncing on the leg of the chair.

"Can we go home soon?" you asked.

"I just got here," Will said. Then he caught your gaze. He too noticed your face. "Okay, how about we leave in an hour?"

An hour. You could do that.

"Okay. An hour. Yeah, that works," you agreed.

***

At least, you thought you could do an hour. Everything was normal and then you had to use the bathroom. You didn't go in there to avoid people, but to actually use the bathroom. But, when you were walking to the bathroom, you finally grasped how many people were there when you had to squeeze past people and were constantly saying excuse me and sorry.

There were too many people here and they were judging you. They were looking at you, talking about you.

You finally made it into the bathroom and, by some miracle, it was empty. You stood at the mirror and gripped the sink as hard as you possibly could because you needed to get out of here and you needed to do it now.

You couldn't go back through the crowd, but you didn't have your phone to text Hailey. It was still back at the table.

You still needed to pee though, so you made your way into a stall and you tried to focus on your breathing.

Was it getting faster? Shallower? Or was that all in your head?

Fuck, you didn't know anymore. You didn't know anything. You didn't know why you were feeling this way and why you always dreaded having to be around people and why you hated the holidays, but it happened and it always happened. And every year, you forgot how bad it was and then you agreed to do things and then Thanksgiving rolled around and you knew you were in a hellish month and a half of having to do too many things and see too many people and wear too much makeup and—

Oh, God. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

It was happening.

You weren't to the point of hyperventilating, but you knew that in about a minute your breath would be coming out in gulps.

You grabbed your left wrist with your right hand and dug your nails in as hard as you could. You hissed at the pain, but it gave you something else to focus on. You needed to get out of here and into Jay or Will's car before you became the talk of everyone's next shift.

"Y/N? Is that you?"

Shit. Stella.

"It- It- I'm fine," you said. But, even you wouldn't believe that statement.

"Doesn't sound like it. Are you sick? Do you want me to get Hailey? Or Will or Jay?" She asked.

"H- Hailey. Get Hailey."

"Okay. I'll be right back. Just, stay here."

Then, you heard footsteps and the sound of the door opening and closing.

Oh, no. Stella knows. Now people are gonna know you can't even handle seeing people for dinner and what if they tell people? What if they check you into the hospital for a psych eval? It wouldn't be crazy since you were around doctors and nurses. Or worse, what if Jay, Hailey, and Will didn't want to deal with you since you ruined Thanksgiving and they put you on a 72- hour psych hold? What if they—

"Y/N, hey, it's Hailey," Hailey said gently. "Stella's outside the bathroom. She's just telling people that there's an issue with a toilet so they don't come in." She paused and you looked down and saw that her feet were right outside your stall door. "Can you open the door?"

Slowly, you opened the door.

Hailey's eyes wandered down to your left wrist, which she saw was scratched up and she made a mental note to make sure it got cleaned when you got home. But, she knew that the important thing to focus on right now was your breathing.

"Y/N, I know these suck, okay? But, I'm gonna have you squeeze my hand and just focus on my breathing, okay?"

You nodded. "Sit- Sit down?" you asked.

"Sure, we can sit down."

You moved about ten feet and then slumped against the bathroom wall next to Hailey. She knew the floor was probably filthy, but she didn't care. All she cared about was making sure you, her little sister-in-law, was okay.

It took multiple tries and squeezing Hailey's hand as hard as you possibly could, but you eventually got your breathing back to normal.

Hailey wrapped an arm around your and pulled you into her as you finally began to cry.

"It's okay," she said gently. "It's okay."

You just continued to cry.

You had ruined Thanksgiving.

"Do you wanna go home?" You nodded. "Do you want me to have Stella take you out the back way and then Will can meet you there? I would take you, but Jay's drunk and he'll be more likely to listen to me than to Will when I tell him we need to leave later." A ghost of a smile appeared on your lips as you nodded. "There's that Halstead smile. Now, I'm gonna go get Stella and then have her stay in here with you and I'll talk to Will, okay?"

You nodded one more time and she squeezed your hand once more and then stood up and left the bathroom.

Not fifteen seconds later, Stella walked in, taking Hailey's place.

"C'mere," Stella said and held her arms out.

You stood up and hugged her as the last of your tears trickled down your cheeks.

"Let's get you outta here, kid," Stella said and quickly got you out of the bathroom and thorough a door marked employees only which was a door five feet to the left of the women's bathrooms. Then, you and she weaved your way through the many boxes in the back until you finally made it to the back exit.

When you got out, you were met with the smiling face of your oldest brother.

"Hailey said it would probably be best if I took you home and I think I agree. I don't need a shiner from having Jay punch me when I'm trying to shove his drunk ass in my car."

Will expected a laugh from you, but when nothing came, he just thanked Stella and led you to his car...which was parked half a block away.

"What do you say I stop at the gas station and grab us each a pint of ice cream, hmm?" Will asked when he started driving.

"We already had pie," you answered, your voice monotone.

"It's Thanksgiving. No one's counting. And, I think we should."

You shrugged. "Okay."

"And Jay doesn't get any because he'll just puke it up anyway."

"Get some for Hailey, too," you reminded him quietly.

Will smiled. He was just happy you were saying something instead of just answering questions.

"Do you know her favorite flavor?" he asked.

"Strawberry," you answered. "But, I think she only says that one's her favorite because Jay doesn't like it so he won't steal it."

Will laughed at that. "Okay, one pint of strawberry ice cream for Hailey, one pint of cookies n crème for you, and one pint of whatever looks good for me."

***

"Not so fast, missy," Will said after you walked in the door, grabbed a spoon from the kitchen, and made a beeline for your room. You turned to face him. "Gotta clean up your wrist first."

"How'd you know about that?" you asked. "And, they're barely even there. It's fine, Will."

"Hailey texted me about it while I was in getting ice cream and you were in the car. And, I don't care if they aren't deep. I'm cleaning them. Simple as that."

You knew there was no point in arguing with him and all you wanted to do was go to sleep after you ate your ice cream.

"Fine," you agreed and then put your ice cream on the counter and made your way to the bathroom.

You pushed yourself up onto the counter while Will busied himself grabbing supplies from the first aid kit.

"Jay really keeps this thing stocked, doesn't he?" Will commented.

"Him and Hailey are cops," was all you said to that.

Will just nodded, sensing you didn't want to talk that much, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't try like hell to get you to talk about what happened. After all, as the oldest, wasn't it his job to get to the bottom of it?

"Hand please," Will said after he got the alcohol wipes and bandaids out. You obeyed and held out your left hand, palm up. Will quickly inspected it. And, you weren't lying when you said the scratches were just superficial. "They're not deep at all."

"Told you," you mumbled.

Will busied himself with washing his hands and then opening the packet of alcohol wipes, hoping you'd say something. You didn't.

"This is gonna sting," He told you, and you bit your cheek as he wiped down your wrist. Then, he waited for it to dry and put a bandaid on it. "There. All better."

You got off the counter. "Can I have my ice cream now?"

Will knew bribery wasn't a good way to get someone to open up and though he would never use it on a real patient, you were his little sister, and therefore, that rule didn't apply to you.

"Depends," he began, "You gonna tell me what happened back at Molly's?"

"Nothing really happened," you told him. Because it was true. Nothing technically happened; your nervous system just decided to screw you over.

"People just don't have panic attacks for no reason, Y/N." He wasn't saying this in a rude way but in a caring way.

You sighed. "Jay's stubbornness is rubbing off on you."

"Good."

"Fine. There were too many people. I'm gonna go eat my ice cream now... in my room... alone."

"Just remember to throw it away when you're done," Will reminded you because he knew that was all he was going to get out of you right now. "Don't need an ant infestation in your bedroom."

You just nodded and made your way to the kitchen and grabbed your spoon and your pint of ice cream from where you had left them.

When you got into your room, you changed into a pair of comfy pajamas and then sat on your bed and opened your ice cream.

Then, you popped in your headphones and opened an audiobook on your phone, so that you had something else to listen to instead of your own thoughts, and started eating your ice cream.

Half an hour later, you had thrown away your empty pint of ice cream and laid in bed, ready for sleep to finally overtake you.

But, all you could think about was how you had ruined Thanksgiving and how you still had to somehow make it through Christmas and New Year's with all those people and parties without this happening.

Eventually, you cried yourself to sleep.

***

"How's the headache?" Will asked Jay the next morning.

"Will? What? I know you have a key, but—"

"I asked him to stay," Hailey said, walking out of the kitchen holding two cups of coffee. She handed one to Jay and left her cup of coffee on the table. Then, she pulled a bottle of Advil from her hoodie pocket and handed it to Jay. "Take 'em, mister."

"I will," Jay answered. "But, why'd have Will stay?"

"Well, between you being drunk off your ass and Y/N having a rough night, I can only deal with one thing at a time. He's here in case you were still drunk and Y/N had another panic attack."

"I'm gonna be honest here," Jay began, "I only vaguely remember last night."

Will and Hailey quickly filled him in, even though he remembered most of the night up to when you had to go home.

"So, did she talk to you?" Jay asked after he downed the pills and took a sip of his coffee.

"If you mean did she tell me anything useful, not really. She just said that there's too many people."

Hailey nodded. "That can happen. Overstimulation and stuff like that."

"Maybe I can get through to her," Jay suggested. "Sometimes I get that way with fireworks."

"That's a trigger, Jay," Hailey stated. "Not the same thing." She paused. "Or it could just be everything piling on together."

All of a sudden, something clicked in Will's head. He remembered working a case a couple years back where a woman came in and had chest pain. As it turned out, she was just having a panic attack. After speaking with Dr. Charles, they learned that the cause of it was the holidays on top of everything else happening in her life.

"Maybe it's all the people she has to see between now and New Years," Will suggested. "We had a patient come into the ED because of that once, thought the panic attack was a heart attack, happens more often than you'd think."

"Well, we can't force it out of her..." Hailey trailed off.

"True," Will agreed. "But I can phrase it as a yes or no question."

"And if it is, then what do we do?" Jay asked. "No Christmas parties? Just do Christmas with us four this year? Stay in on New Years?"

"We'll figure that out when we get there. But, start thinking of ideas just in case."

***

"Hey," Hailey said gently when she heard movement in the kitchen from her place on the couch next to Jay. She had been reading while Jay had been watching football highlights from the many games that happened yesterday. She nudged Jay and he turned his head to look at you. "You want some breakfast? Or, more like lunch now, I guess."

"I got it," you said. You knew if you talked any louder that you'd start crying, so you quickly made your way to a cabinet and took out a bowl and then a mug so that you could focus on making your breakfast.

You hadn't even had time to spoon yogurt into your bowl before Jay was up and placed a hand on your shoulder.

"Hey, talk to me, kiddo."

At that, you finally broke. You cried like you had last night. Except, this time, Jay wrapped his arms around you in his overprotective-big-brother way that always took away your bad dreams and worries when you were a kid.

"Let us in, Y/N," Jay whispered. "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to r- ruin Thanksgiving!"

"Oh, no," Hailey said as she made her way over to you, holding a cold glass of water for you to drink when you could. "You didn't ruin in."

"I did! I'm sorry!"

Jay pulled away from you and put his hands on your shoulders. "Hey, look at me." You looked up at him. "You didn't ruin anything. And, even if you did, I didn't remember the second half of last night anyway."

The last part almost got a smile out of you. Almost.

"Do you know why any of this happened?" Jay asked.

Hailey sighed. Her husband obviously still didn't understand regular anxiety as she did. So, she decided it was time for her to step in. "What he's trying to say is, what was happening before you ran into the bathroom? What was the last thing you were thinking? Because sometimes it's not one specific thing that you can easily identify."

You looked down and thought for a beat.

"I was thinking that there were a lot of people."

"Okay, good. That's really good, Y/N."

And, I know that there's a lot of people we have to see and parties we have to go to for Christmas and New Years and- and I didn't want to tell you I don't want to go because you guys might think I'm stupid—"

"Whoa, hey," Jay said quickly, effectively cutting you off. "We'd never think you're stupid."

You wiped your nose as it started to run.

"You should. I think I'm—"

"Nope, none of that," Jay cut you off again. "How about you eat and then go take a shower and then we can watch movies all day? Because Lord knows this hangover's kicking my ass."

You nodded. "Yeah, yeah, okay."

Then, you took the glass of water from Hailey and chugged it before going to take a hot shower to wash away your multiple breakdowns from the past twelve hours.

***

"Hey, you—"

"I got something," Jay told Will over the phone as soon as he heard the water running. "And, as much as it pains me to say it, you were right, about the holiday anxiety thing."

"She told you that?"

"I don't know if she meant to say it or it just tumbled out, but yeah."

"So, what do we do?" Will asked.

"How much time off do you have saved up?"

Will sighed. "Jay, what are you planning?"

"I'm not planning anything. This just popped into my head, I swear. So, how much time off?"

"Enough. Now, what were you thinking?"

"What if we go up to the cabin, say on the 19th? We can spend Christmas and New Years up there. I'll ask Voight for furlough later and get back to you. I don't think it'll be an issue, though."

Will sighed. "Listen, that's two and a half weeks. I have enough, but everyone wants off for the holidays. But, if I can't swing it, you just bring Y/N up there and have Christmas without me."

"Will—"

"No, I'm serious. I'll be fine. I'm more worried about her." He paused. "Wait, how's she getting time off?"

"I'm gonna talk to her about going tonight so that she can request time off when she goes into work. It's easier for her to get off than it is for us, anyway."

"Yeah. Well, let me know. And, I'll talk to Goodwin tomorrow. Y/N's doing better then?"

"A bit. She was still upset, but then me and Hailey talked to her. She's showering now and then we'll see how she is."

"Okay, keep me updated."

"Will do. Let me know if you get the time off."

***

3 weeks later

"Why are we leaving so early?" you complained when you and Jay were carrying things out to his truck.

"Because we have to pick Will's sorry ass up. And, if you don't complain anymore, we'll stop for breakfast on our way to pick him up."

You looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "You're not lying to me?"

Jay shook his head. "Nope. Now, how about you jump in the trunk and I'll hand you everything?"

"We're covering this stuff with a tarp, right?" You asked.

"Oh, yeah," Jay agreed.

It was snowing a little bit right now, so you knew as you drove north, that the snow would only get heavier.

"Good." You looked at the boxes sitting on top of Jay's suitcase, duffle, and toolbox. "Are any of these presents?"

Jay handed you your suitcase and your set it down in the bed of the truck. "No snooping. Some you will get tonight, though."

"Tonight? Really?" you asked excitedly.

"Just a couple little things from me and Will."

"You wanna give me a hint?"

"Hmmmm, how about no?"

"How about yes?"

"No."

"Fine."

Ten minutes later, the truck was packed and you were doing one last double-check through the house while Jay said goodbye to Hailey. Voight said he needed at least one detective in Intelligence for the next few days, so Hailey was gonna fly out early in four days—on December 23–and then Jay would go and pick her up while you and Will stayed at the cabin and then she'd stay up there through New Years and ride home with the three of you.

Now it was time to grab breakfast, pick up Will, and then it was off to Wisconsin.

***

You thought that you were dying. Actually, maybe that was a little too dramatic. You just wanted to jump into an ice-cold lake. Maybe that would make your headache, dizziness, and nausea stop.

You leaned your head against the window. You had taken Dramamine fifteen minutes ago when you three had stopped at a gas station to grab drinks and go to the bathroom, but it wasn't kicking in yet.

"Will," you groaned.

"You okay back there, Short Stack?" he asked and turned around.

"No. How long does this take to work?"

Will studied your face. "You look a little pale." He turned back to face forward. "Jay, take that exit up there and pull into the first parking lot. Y/N looks like she's gonna throw up."

Jay glanced in the rearview mirror. "I'll turn down the heat," he said and fiddled with the dial. "Five minutes, kiddo. Hold on for five minutes."

"It takes about thirty minutes to an hour to kick in, so when we find somewhere to stop, we'll stop for about twenty minutes, and then you should be good. Just close your eyes."

"Okay," you mumbled.

Will said something to Jay, but you didn't catch it.

"Yeah, I'll get it out when we stop."

"Okay, good," Will said.

You didn't know what they were talking about, but frankly, you didn't care. You just wanted the spinning to stop.

Five minutes later, Jay pulled into the first parking lot he saw, which happened to be one for a church. And there was no one in the parking lot other than you, which you were grateful for because you really didn't need other people seeing we you throw up the breakfast that you had eaten earlier.

The minute Jay put the truck in park, you were out of the truck and doubled over.

You heard a door slam and then Will was right next to you.

You dry heaved a couple of times.

"Ugh," you groaned. "I just wanna puke so that it'll stop, but nothing's coming out!"

"I know, I know," Will said. "But sometimes that's all it is."

You groaned again. "I wanna sit down, but I don't wanna sit in the truck because it's too hot."

Will looked around and he saw the church entrance covered by an awning, keeping the area below it free from snow. "How about we walk over to the doors and you can sit under the awning? How's that sound?" You nodded and started walking towards it with Will staying close to you in case you got dizzy or something like that. "Jay's grabbing you some Benadryl from the first aid kit and some water. Hopefully, that'll help."

"Yeah, because I'll be asleep until we get to the cabin," you said as you slumped against the building.

"Exactly."

Will was squatting in front of you, but you needed him to sit down next to you.

"Sit down," you ordered.

"Why?" Will asked, a smile appearing on his face. "So you can use me as a pillow?"

"Yes."

"Fine." He reluctantly agreed and slumped down against the building and you quickly leaned against him and closed your eyes. "Better?"

"Hmm, much."

You heard quick footsteps approaching and opened your eyes.

"Here," Jays said and squatted in front of you two and held out a pill and a bottle of water. "Take this. And then I gotta get a picture of you two to send to Hailey. You two are adorable."

You took the pill and water from Jay and glared at him playfully.

"Yeah, yeah," Will said. "Laugh it up, Jay. But, your ass is sitting in the back because I'm driving now and Y/N needs the front seat so she doesn't puke."

Fifteen minutes later, your Dramamine had finally kicked in and you were back on the road, this time with Will driving, you in the front seat, and Jay stuck in the back.

***

"Perfect. Got it," you heard Jay say as you were just starting to wake up.

You blinked and opened your eyes to see that you were exiting the highway and then you turned to see Jay throwing himself back into the seat where he had been sitting. That got your attention.

"What happened? What were you doing?" you asked and shot up in your seat. Your question was answered by Jay just smiling at you sheepishly and pressing a few buttons on his phone.

A notification popped up on both your and Will's phone.

"Check your phone," Jay told you.

You glared at him and reached for your phone.

It was a notification in the group chat between you, your brothers, and Hailey, which you had named Halsteads x4.

There in the chat was a picture of you sleeping with your mouth wide open and a spot of drool on the front of your hoodie.

You looked between Jay and Will twice and then looked down at your hoodie.

Yup.

The drool was still there.

You wiped at your face just in case there were drool marks near your mouth that the camera didn't pick up.

"That picture doesn't go anywhere except that chat. You hear me?" you ordered.

"Hmmm, I'll think about it," Jay said.

"Yeah, me too," Will agreed.

"You two are assholes."

Will laughed. "Love you, too."

Then, another notification popped up in the same group chat. It was from Hailey.

Awww, she drools almost as much as you, Jay.

"Ha! Shots fired!" you yelled. "I am so glad you married Hailey."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Jay said sarcastically. "Just park up there," he told Will.

"What are we doing?" you asked.

"We're switching drivers," Jay answered. "I can maneuver this truck on the backroads better than Will. We don't need to run head first into a tree tonight."

"I drive fine, thank you very much," Will argued.

"You almost gave me a heart attack when you slammed on the brakes. Twice! I'm surprised you didn't wake Y/N up!"

"Well, I'm not getting out of the front seat, so you get to sit in the back, Will."

"You are so lucky you're the youngest," was all Will said to that.

***

"So, which one of you is checking for mice?" you asked when Jay put his truck in park in front of the cabin.

"I sprayed that place with rodent repellant and set so many mouse traps before we left in July, you'll be fine," Jay told you.

"No!" you yelled immediately. "You have to go check. I'm not gonna be screaming for one of you to come downstairs in the middle of the night to come catch a mouse for me!"

"Just go check, Jay," Will agreed.

"And you're not coming because...?" Jay asked.

"I'm the one who gets to tell you if your mouse bite is infected if you get bitten. And, you have a gun, I don't."

Jay sighed and unbuckled his seatbelt. "Yes, because if a mouse runs in front of me, I'm gonna shoot it, which is gonna put a hole in the floor. Think, Will!"

"I do more thinking at my job than you do!" Will argued.

You leaned your head against the passenger seat.

Hailey will be here in four days...Hailey will be here in four days..., you kept repeating to yourself.

"Just make sure there's no mice, please. You both do lots of thinking at your jobs. Just, go check the cabin, Jay."

You swore you heard him say that he hated being the middle child when he got out of the truck.

***

Half an hour later, you and Will finally entered the cabin. Jay had confirmed that there were no mice and he hadn't seen one...except for the one in the oven that he burnt to a crisp and then took care of it and put the oven on the self-clean cycle while he searched the rest of the cabin. And, if he did see any more mice while he was searching the rest of the cabin and had to get rid of them, well, he made sure not to tell you that because he wanted you to be able to sleep tonight.

"I get Mom and Dad's room, right?" you asked.

"Yeah," Jay confirmed. "Until Hailey gets here. Then you switch with me and get the loft."

"I should get to share a room with Hailey and you and Will should just stay upstairs," you said.

"I'd like to sleep with my wife, thank you very much." You burst out laughing and Will almost dropped the box he was carrying. "Not like that! Jesus Christ!" Jay tried to walk it back, but it was too late.

"As long as we don't hear any noises, feel free," Will joked with a shit-eating grin on his face. This, in turn, earned him a punch in the arm from Jay.

"I don't need to think about that, you nasties!" you yelled. "La, la, la, la, la, la!" you yelled as you made your way to your room to put down your suitcase and duffle.

Ten minutes later, you had everything inside and had just finished putting fresh sheets and blankets on your bed.

You walked out of the room and asked about the thing you wanted to do the most since you learned about it this morning.

"Can I open my presents now? Please?" you asked.

Jay and Will laughed. "It's like you're five," Will commented.

"At least I don't snoop for my presents. Jay," you said and turned and glared at him.

"That made me into the detective I am today."

"Oh, bullshit!" Will yelled. "But, yes, you can open your presents."

Jay walked upstairs to the loft and came down with two bags.

"Merry early Christmas, kiddo."

You took the bags from him and quickly opened the bigger one first.

Inside, were two Christmas sweaters. One was gray and had a pug wrapped in Christmas lights on it and the other was green and said Fleece Navidad and had a sheep with a Santa hat on it.

"They're so cute!" you exclaimed.

"We figured you needed something festive," Will said. "And, me, Jay, and Hailey all have the dog one so we can match."

"That part was Hailey's idea," Jay chimed in. You opened your mouth to say something, but Jay quickly cut you off. "And she's bringing them up with her. Our's are not here."

You gave him a fake pout, causing both he and Will to laugh. Then, you moved on to the next bag.

"A face mask...body scrub...shower fizzers...fuzzy sloth slippers...nail polish," you said as you took items out of the bag.

"Hailey had the idea for a little self-care kit for you," Jay explained. "So, most of this stuff was her idea."

"Um, I found the slippers, thank you very much," Will said.

You laughed. "Thanks, you guys. I love it."

"I vote hot chocolate and at least the first two Home Alone movies," Jay suggested. "Everyone good with that?"

"As long as you spike the hot chocolate with Bailey's," Will said.

"I second that!" you agreed.

Jay rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll spike the hot chocolate."

***

"Wake up. Y/N, wake up," you heard Will say as he began to gently shake your shoulder.

You rolled over and opened your eyes. "Hmmm. We're on vacation. Let me sleep."

"It's 2:00. You've slept like fourteen hours."

That got you up.

"What? How?"

"Well, you fell asleep on the couch last night—"

"I know that. I mean how did I sleep that long without waking up once?"

"You were tired. Now, get up and get ready. We're cutting down our Christmas tree."

"What? I thought there was a dinky fake one that mom and dad left in the attic from when you and Jay were little."

"Yeah, but we thought it would be more fun if we cut down a tree. It's cold out, so wear layers. And before you ask, yes, coffee is already made."

"Okay, I'll get ready. Hopefully, Jay doesn't hurt himself with the chainsaw."

"Better him than me."

"Will!"

He put his hands up in a sign of surrender. "What?" Will laughed. "It's true!"

You chucked a pillow at him. "Now get outta here so I can change."

***

"Wait!" you yelled as Jay turned on the chainsaw after the three of you picked out a tree.

"What? What's wrong?" Jay asked as he quickly turned off the chainsaw.

"I need you to pick up the axe."

"Why?"

"Yeah, why?" Will parroted.

"Just humor me and pose like you're gonna chop down the tree. Or whack it once. I don't care."

"Why?" Jay asked again.

"For an Instagram post."

"You're not gonna let this go, are you?"

"No."

He sighed. "Fine."

You took out your phone and filmed Jay taking a whack at the tree with the axe.

Then, you pocketed your phone and walked closer to Will. "We don't have a lumberjack, we have a lumber Jay."

Will smiled and shook his head. "That's what you're gonna caption it, aren't you."

"Yup. Shocked you know what that is."

"Oh, Jay's gonna love that. And, I am not that old."

"I'd beg to differ."

"Can I use the chainsaw now?" Jay yelled.

"You're good!" you yelled.

"Will, get over here and direct me!"

Will walked over and you trailed behind him—at a safe distance—to watch this.

"Why am I directing you and not Y/N?" Will asked.

"You know how she is with directions. You're helping me shove this thing into the truck so I can back it up to the door of the house so we can get it inside, too."

"I have very valuable hands!"

"There's extra gloves. Now, c'mon! We're burning daylight here!"

You laughed. "Okay, now you are both officially old!"

***

Later that night after getting the tree inside and decorating it, Jay and Will were both immersed in their card game upstairs on the floor of the loft. They tried to convince you to come play with them, but they were playing Euchre and you had no idea to how to play, and to be honest, you had no desire to learn how to play.

So, you decided now was the perfect time to sneak off to Jay's truck and try and find the wifi password for it.

You grabbed Jay's keys off the hook by the door and then quietly opened the door and went outside.

You thought the smartest thing to do would be to open the driver's side door with the key instead of hitting the buttons.

You did this and then got in the driver's seat and looked for the wifi network.

Nothing.

You reloaded your settings and even turned your phone off and on again, but still nothing.

You turned the key in the truck and the engine quickly revved to life.

But, this alerted your brothers and they came running outside before you could even attempt to put the password in.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jay yelled as he yanked open the door. "Get out! Now."

"Jay, relax," Will told him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure Y/N has a perfectly fine explanation for this." He locked eyes with you. "Don't you, Y/N?"

"I wanted the wifi."

"For?" Jay probed and raised an eyebrow.

"To watch the Hawks game."

"To watch—" Jay looked down and shook his head and started laughing. "You wanted my truck's wifi to watch the Hawks game?"

"Yeah," you answered quietly. Even though you were 22, Jay could still easily change into the scary detective in front of you in a heartbeat.

"Why didn't you just come tell me?" he asked.

"Because I thought you'd say no."

"And you're right."

"Jay! Why would you—" Will started, but Jay quickly cut him off.

"Right that I won't let you connect to it. But, I'll pull the truck around closer to the cabin, put it in auxiliary, and then you can watch the game on my laptop. That sound okay?"

"Yes!" You jumped out of the truck so that Jay could get in and move it.

At the end of the night, the three of you were all exhausted from cutting down the tree and the game was high scoring and went into a shootout that Jay almost forgot to go back outside and turn off his truck.

***

The next day was a very relaxing day. You used all your self-care stuff and read a book and drank warm wine throughout the day while Jay and Will spent time in the barn doing who knows what.

The next day was spent similarly, except for the fact that it was mostly Jay who was holed up in the barn all day while you convinced Will to make cookies and watch all of the Santa Claus movies with you.

Will periodically went out to the barn to help Jay, and even though you wanted to go in, every time you tried to, you were stopped by either Jay or Will—one time Jay had to actually carry you back inside the cabin—and they wouldn't tell you a single thing about that they were doing in there.

Now it was finally the 23rd and Hailey was going to be here soon. Jay had to wake up early to get to the airport to pick her up, but he had promised that he'd bring breakfast back for you and Will, mainly because Will couldn't cook and you hated cooking things for multiple people (you always made either too little or too much).

***

Once Jay got back with Hailey and the four of you ate breakfast, you quickly led Hailey into your room.

"What's the rush?" she asked with a big smile on her face.

"I need help wrapping Will and Jay's gifts and I need to do it before they make me go upstairs because Jay snoops and there's a lock on this door."

"Ohhh. I got it."

"Also, did Jay tell you what the two of them were doing in the garage? They've been holed up in there for two days and when I try to go in, they stop me."

Hailey shook her head. "Jay didn't mention that."

You crossed your arms over your chest and cocked an eyebrow. "Are you just saying that because he told you to say that or because you actually don't know?"

Hailey laughed. "I really don't know, Y/N. You look like Jay when you do that, though. He does that a lot in interrogations."

You quickly uncrossed your arms. "Please never say I look like him again."

Hailey shook her head. "Okay. Now, what are we wrapping?"

***

"You wake 'em up," you hissed at Will on Christmas morning.

"No, you," Will argued back.

"You've seen the body parts! I don't need to see a penis on Christmas!"

"Well, I don't need to see my brother's penis or my sister-in-law's boobs. Seeing a patient's for medical purposes is different."

"You're older!"

"That's seriously the best argument you could come up with?"

"Yes, now—"

"You know we can hear you, right?" Jay yelled from the living area below you. "Me and Hailey have been up for an hour."

"Oh, well this is awkward," you said quietly so that only Will could hear you.

"We're coming down now, Jay!" Will yelled down and then proceeded to get out of bed and walk downstairs.

When Will was downstairs, you made your way over to the closet and changed your shirt into the sweater with a pug with Christmas lights on it. Then, you grabbed Will's from the dresser and headed downstairs.

"You forgot this," you told Will.

You had suggested that all four of you wear your matching Christmas sweaters today and Hailey enthusiastically agreed. After that, Jay texted you that this would be Hailey's first Christmas where she's not alone or with her family and he wanted to make it as special as possible. And, it would be the first one where they were actually married.

Will quickly put on the sweater and Jay threw a Santa hat to you.

"You're Santa this year, kiddo," he told you, which meant that you would be the one passing out the presents.

"Ho, ho, ho," you said and placed it on your head.

Then, you grabbed your present to Jay and Hailey to give to them.

***

Half an hour later all the gifts were open and you thought you had done a pretty good job with your gift-giving this year. You had given Hailey and Jay a set of brand-new pots and pans since they were always complaining about the ones they had. And then, you added something small for each of them such as a pack of fancy face masks and tea for Hailey and a six-pack of beer from around the world for Jay. For Will, you had gotten him a customized stethoscope with the Blackhawks logo and their colors inscribed with his name. You reassured him that Maggie had helped you order so it was up to doctors' and nurses' standards.

"We have one more gift for you and Hailey," Jay said.

You looked around. "Where?"

"Grab your shoes and come out to the garage."

As the four of you walked out to the garage in the cold weather and through a dusting of snow on the ground, you asked Hailey if she knew what was going on.

She said she had no idea.

"Merry Christmas," Jay said with a huge smile on his face as he opened the garage.

Sitting in the center of the garage was what looked like a homemade hockey net, made out of what looked to be wood and painted red and black for the Blackhawks and then rope tied in small knots between the posts as the net. There were two hockey sticks and when you looked closer you saw that one said your first initial followed by Halstead on the shaft of your stick and then H. Upton-Halstead on the shaft of Hailey's. There were also two pairs of hockey skates and a burgundy bag filled with hockey pucks.

"Now you see what we've been doing in the garage for so long," Will told you.

"You two built all this?" you asked, astonished, as you picked up your stick.

"We just built the net," Jay answered. "Me and Will know a guy from playing pickup who knows a guy who makes custom sticks, so he made those." Jay looked at Hailey with a puzzled look. She looked like she wanted to cry. "You okay, babe?"

"I just- I don't know how to skate," she answered quietly.

Jay put an arm around her. "That's okay. I'll teach you."

"We thought of that," Will said and quickly came back with a folding chair. "You can bring this on the river to help keep your balance." He turned to you. "As for you, I'm teaching you how to hockey stop."

"Why?"

"Because, when we play two-on-two, you're on my team and I don't want to lose."

Jay scoffed. "We both know I'm the better shooter here."

"The rule is we have to keep the puck on the ground. No wrist shots, bud. I don't feel like having to do impromptu stitches."

"Hmm, we might actually win," you said.

"What do you guys say?" Jay asked. "After we have cinnamon rolls for breakfast, wanna start skating? And then we can come in and all work on lunch together?"

"You promise I won't have a broken arm after this?" Hailey asked.

Jay laughed. "I will try my best."

Then, the four of you went back inside and ate a breakfast of cinnamon rolls and coffee. Then, you brought everything down to the frozen river and started lacing up your skates for a day on the ice.

Over the next week while you were at the cabin, Hailey successfully learned how to skate and how to protect the puck with her stick, and Will successfully taught you how to hockey stop—you were better at stopping with your right skate forward than your left skate—and Jay taught you how to do a wrist shot. And, nobody needed stitches or broke an arm or any other bone.

You would say that this was a great way to spend Christmas away from everyone, but still with the people you loved.

A/N: See? I told you it would be festive! As always thank you for reading and please remember to reblog and comment! As always, if you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I'll add you!

Taglist: taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @911ls-tarlos @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88 @glitterquadricorn @luvreading67 @smoothdogsgirl@afriendlyneighborhoodhufflepuff@actlikesummerr @lcothr523 @star-wars-lover

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deanstead · 2 years

Text

Pieces (11): i hate him

Chapter 11: i hate him

Chapter Summary: Y/N finally agrees to have dinner with Jay, but there’s a change of plans when Caleb shows up with a crying Chloe.

Word Count: 2,072

Warnings: mini meltdown

A/N: Some of you might want to kill me after this but I promise this is moving!!!!

SERIES MASTERLIST || JAY HALSTEAD MASTERLIST

Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

It had, of course, taken much longer than a week before Connor was willing to let you out of the hospital.

Chloe had done better than you’d expected during the time you were in the hospital, considering this was the first time that she’d been away from you for so long. According to Jay, she’d only had trouble the first night, but after that didn’t show any signs of not being able to sleep and of course, Jay and Will took turns bringing her in to see you as much as they could. You really couldn’t ask for anything more, when they were going above and beyond.

Everyone in the ED checked in on you often, Will topping the list right after Connor, but Connor was your doctor.

“You and Jay seeing each other?” Will asked, as he pushed open the door, ready to give you a lift back to your apartment where Chloe and Jay were already waiting.

You glanced up at him. “How long have you been trying to ask me that?”

Will laughed. “More than a week. It’s killing me, so I’m asking for the sake of my health.”

You rolled your eyes, as Will held out a hand for you to hold as you got to your feet.

“No, we’re not.” You paused as Will looked at you. “Well, not exactly.”

Will raised his eyebrows.

You sighed. “Will, do I really look like I’m in any state to talk about my love life?”

Will shrugged. “Y/N, I know my brother. He looks at you with puppy dog eyes. And I bet if you ask his unit, they’d probably would have had to beat his ass to get him to take furlough days. Before you, at least.”

You glanced up at Will. You knew all this. You knew. You just didn’t know what to do with all this information and all the emotions raging inside you.

“It’s not any of my business, but I think you’re good for each other.” Will told you.

“Yeah, I just…”

Will smiled. “That’s all I’ll say on the subject. You guys work it out.”

You just smiled back as Will helped you out so that you could head home to Chloe.

“Thanks, Will.”

Even after being discharged, it had taken at least another few weeks for you to get somewhat back on track.

But while you were out on medical leave, everyone looked in on you, even if it was just a call from Maggie or Natalie, Ethan sending you a text to check in, or Will and Connor offering to come to your place to check on you. Most of all, Jay looked in on you and Chloe regularly, whenever he could and it was starting to become borderline dangerous because you were starting to rely on him, a little too much for your liking, and the line you had so carefully drawn was starting to blur.

Jay would text when he was going to be away for a bit, or when they were caught up in a case and somehow you found yourself in a kind of weird schedule-like thing with Jay. You even found yourself talking to him about little things like getting Chloe to spend a little more time with Caleb

Jay liked it, the feeling like you’d let him into the little boundary that separated you and Chloe from the rest of the world, but he didn’t say anything directly like he was afraid to break the magic. Instead, he listened and he encouraged, he let you talk through things, but didn’t push you to say more or try to direct you to make a decision. Which was probably the only reason why you didn’t push him back out.

By the time you went back to work, welcomed warmly by your Med family, you knew you’d pushed off the Caleb thing for too long so you’d called him.

Caleb agreed to start in small steps so you’d gradually started letting Chloe spend afternoons with him, to build up to a weekend or two. Chloe seemed mostly okay, she’d tell you about what Caleb had taken her to do, she’d ask if you could go with her next time, but she never mentioned Vivian.

You didn’t want to touch it with a ten foot pole, and you thought you wouldn’t need to until the weekend that Chloe was supposed to spend the night at Caleb’s.

You put in the idea to Chloe, and Chloe had seemed okay with trying out staying one night at her father’s, so you’d called Jay and asked him if his offer for dinner out was still on the table.

You could hear the switch in his voice, the slight disbelief before he agreed enthusiastically and told you he’d pick you up at 6. You could even almost see the light in his bright green eyes although he wasn’t standing in front of you.

You just wanted to thank him for everything, although there was literally nothing you could do that could even begin to thank him for everything he’d done for you and Chloe. And the moment the thought had crossed your mind, you were already calling him, like there was a part of your brain that was afraid you’d back out of it.

But you didn’t.

In fact, you were kind of looking forward to it, until your doorbell rang.

You glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. Jay was way too early.

But when you opened the door, it was to Caleb and a sobbing Chloe.

“What’s going on?” You asked, as Chloe practically yanked her hand roughly out of her father's and dived for you.

Caleb shook his head. “She won’t even tell me, she just won’t stop crying and insisting she wants to come home to you. So I brought her back.”

Caleb put his hands up in exasperation and you rolled your eyes. “Whole world’s on your side.” He commented before he left.

You could throttle him, honestly, but you really didn’t have time to fight with him now. You picked Chloe up into your arms, taking her bag and putting it in the corner before you voice dialed Jay’s number to tell him that you had to reschedule.

It took you another half an hour of walking around the house with Chloe still perched in your arms before she would stop crying.

You put her in your lap. “Alright, can you talk to me now?” You looked at her, wiping off the residue of tears on her face. “Did something happen?”

Chloe put her face back into your chest and you exhaled, patting her back gently. “Come on, Chloe, you tell me everything right?”

There was a pause before she pulled herself back up to look at you.

“I don’t wanna go to Daddy’s anymore.” Chloe declared.

“Why not, sweetie? I thought things were getting better?” You asked gently.

Chloe shook her head. “I hate him.”

The three words hit you right in your chest but you swallowed the lump in your throat.

“No, you don’t. Remember what we talked about? We can be angry at each other but we can’t hate each other, right?”

Chloe shook her head more vigorously this time. “No. Daddy only wants her.”

You felt your heart sink because you couldn’t even refute it.

“She asked me to call her Mom.” Chloe said in a small voice.

Your eyes flicked over to Chloe’s, glad she’d inherited your eyes. “What?” You asked.

“I didn’t, Mom, I didn’t.” Chloe said, like she was afraid you were going to get angry.

You smiled, “It’s okay, Chloe.” You pulled her up towards you again. “What else?”

“She got mad. And she closed the door. She wouldn’t let me in.” Chloe’s voice shook again now.

You frowned. “Did you mean out? She wouldn’t let you out?”

Chloe looked up and shook her head. “In, Mom. She wouldn’t let me go in from the garden.”

There was a wave of white hot rage you felt wash over you when you realized what Chloe was telling you. That a four year old wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of calling her a title she didn’t deserve, so Vivian had left your baby outside the house. A house that was more Chloe’s than hers. A four year old.

If Caleb had stuck around, you weren’t sure you’d have been able to keep your cool. But what came after was worse, as the anger ebbed away and you felt pain. The hurt that was probably ten times what Chloe’s mind could come up with, the guilt that you couldn’t protect your own daughter from sharing in your pain. This was your war, and they’d dragged her right into the middle of it.

You took a deep breath, making sure your voice didn’t shake. “Does Daddy know?”

Chloe nodded. “Daddy let me in but I didn’t wanna stay.”

You smiled. “That’s perfectly okay. You don’t have to be anywhere you don’t want to be, okay?”

You pressed a kiss onto your daughter’s forehead and hugged her towards you again so she wouldn’t see the tears that you could no longer control flow down your face.

You’d finally managed to put Chloe to sleep in her bed and you made your way back outside, sinking into your couch.

Now, you felt the mix of emotions rise up within you and you didn’t even tense up or hold back, letting the tears fall quietly as you sat alone in the quiet apartment.

Before Chloe had fallen asleep, she’d asked you what the word ‘burden’ meant and you’d frozen, staring at her like you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. Which was when you found out that she’d picked up the word at her father’s. Probably not even today.

You didn’t know the context but from what Chloe was able to tell you, you were able to put together enough.

The anger mixed together with the guilt of not being able to protect your daughter, or rather the fact that you had to even think about protecting your daughter when all you were doing was sending her off to spend a night with her father, was overwhelming. You had to grit your teeth to stop from making loud sobs in case you woke Chloe.

Then, there was the guilt that while your daughter was probably crying her eyes out from being locked out of a house and being called a burden, all you had been thinking of was yourself.

Just as you felt like you were drowning, there was a soft rap at the door. You frowned but wiped away the tears and went to answer it.

“Jay, what are you…”

“You okay?” Jay asked, frowning.

You shook your head. “I told you, I can’t do this today. Not now, not today.”

You closed your eyes as the tone of your voice echoed back at you.

“Not today or not ever?” Jay asked, his voice still calm but his eyes were unreadable.

“Not now.” You repeated.

Jay stopped you from closing the door with his foot. “Y/N, I’m not an idiot. I can tell you’ve been crying, Chloe was wailing over the phone when you called me just now. Talk to me.”

You glared at him. You were in no mood, you couldn’t handle him or anyone right now.

“No, Jay. Not now. Not today.”

Jay stared back at you. “You don’t have to do this all by yourself. You don’t have to do everything by yourself!”

You glanced inwards, afraid Jay’s voice might have woken Chloe up before you glared at him again.

“I can’t read you. Y/N, do you trust me or not? Some days you do, some days I run into a freaking wall.” Jay said, and you could hear the exasperation in his voice.

“Jay, I told you I can’t do this now. She’s my daughter, and I do have to do this alone.” You weren’t glaring at him any longer but your voice was firm.

“Fine.” Jay said, his voice low now before he turned to leave.

You shut the door quietly behind you, the image of Jay walking away without so much as a glance back burned into your eyelids, the image of him stalking away like he was done and you crumpled onto the floor, in the middle of your apartment, the quiet sobs racking your body.

They all leave. All of them.

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indy-gray · 10 months

Text

It makes me sick living with a therapist who worked in inpatient facilities around the area for 20 years. She takes the inhumanity of hospitals as a good thing, and doesn't see the damage it does.

A family friend came to us today to talk about how much better she's been doing now that she's being treated for her thyroid disorder, and how her flare up got so bad she'd gone to some "dark places" and my aunt got very weird about "You have to come to me next time it gets that bad so I can be there for you. Promise. Promise. Promise."

I really respect my friend for not promising and being very honest that she couldn't make that promise. And the thing is, I wanted to say "for the love of God, do NOT tell a mandatory reporter about your suicidal thoughts when you know it's a medical condition and not a psychiatric condition."

And here's why: once you go into that inpatient facility, you are labeled with a diagnosis, and once you have a diagnosis, you cannot get out until your diagnosis has been treated to standards that the psychiatrists determine subjectively.

So if she went in with her suicidal thoughts, and even if she told them it was her thyroid, they would not let her see a medical doctor. They'd send her to a psychiatrist who would prescribe anti depressants to treat her depression. They would not work. Even if she did get her thyroid condition treated while inpatient, she would not be allowed to leave until her depression was treated to subjective standards laid out by the psychiatrist. Then, her medical doctors outside the inpatient facility would see her hospitalization and subsequent depression and dismiss her even more than they already have, refusing to treat her actual medical condition.

The thing about inpatient facilities is that the patients have to fight tooth and nail for every ounce of treatment, and that fight is considered defiance and will set you back on your release date. Ask for a medical doctor to discuss your thyroid issues? Look you're a hypochondriac with depression, just take your meds and sit down. Demand a medical doctor? You need more meds, go back to group. Lose your temper and yell? Now you're being threatening, we'll give you a cocktail of medications that'll put you to sleep for three days, or we'll restrain you to the bed, yes we're allowed to do both of those things if we deem it necessary for your and our safety. Now you've been in the facility for two weeks with no end in sight, and still not improving because the doctors and nurses won't listen to you when you say it's not depression, it's a medical condition.

It's not a black and white issue, inpatient facilities. But I'll say this, I've never fully gotten my autonomy back from my hospitalizations, and I likely never will.

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queendopamine · 1 year

Text

Opening up about mental health, the healthcare system, and my diagnoses

I'm no stranger to therapy. Though I've never lasted longer than 6 months, I've tried different therapists over the years. I know I need to dig in and do some deep, hands-on work. I've gotten by with some of the tools they've given me, as well as my own efforts at attempting self-help.

In May, I went back to therapy and also saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. I did a psych eval with her last week.

I received a diagnosis of anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar. These are also things the therapist had evaluated me for and talked to me about. I scored high on her tests for them. I've always been good at tests...The damn test was how I got my bipolar diagnosis in 2010. Some NP at a walk-in clinic gave me a couple assessments and heard my story about how I reacted on Prozac. Said that depression was only telling half the story and gave me some meds. I had to go off them after a couple months because I got pregnant, but that was as far as I ever went in my Bipolar journey.

Since 2010, I had distanced myself from the Bipolar dx and label. Not only did I not like the stigma, but I just didn't relate to it as much as other things. Borderline seemed to address a lot of similar symptoms. At one point, I even thought I had DID. In 2020, like many chronically-online Millennials in the pandemic, thought I might have ADHD. For much longer, I've considered that I have OCD.

But for now, my doctor is choosing to treat the Bipolar and said she didn't "get ADHD vibes from me" and for now, she wouldn't agree that I have ADHD (I got through school, I finish my work on time, I paid attention to her questions --those were her reasons). She said I might have OCD tendencies based on what I described but she didn't fully label me as OCD or change my treatment at all.

She did say that over time, things could change--as in additional dxes might be given or they might be changed. And of course, we might try different treatments. It's all trial and error.

To start, I'm going on a mood stabilizer (Vraylar) and an anti-anxiety medicine (hydroxizine). I hope I can find the right combination of meds and that the side effects will be minimal and manageable. I havent been on a mood stabilizer in a long time. I don't really remember much about it. I've tried many different anti-depressants and Xanax. The anti-depressants always seemed to make me worse and Xanax just makes me sleepy as fuck.

My doctor gave me an overview of the Vraylar and Hydroxizine. She told me the symptoms and what to look out for. But then reading the pamphlets about them gave me a whole different perspective. Drowsiness was the big one that stuck out to me for both--not only did she not warn me about this, but she even told me hydroxizine wouldn't cause me to be sleepy and I could take up to 400mg a day and I'd be fine. It would help me sleep, but it wouldn't put me to sleep, like Xanax would, in her words.

Like many anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, Vraylar warns of potential weight gain. But it also can cause high blood sugar and high cholesterol. I already have elevated cholesterol so that's unfortunate. I didn't tell my psychiatrist this and now I am wondering if she'll switch meds when I do tell her. I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. All those potential side effects worry me though. I already struggle with my weight and because of my PCOS, I am pretty much already at risk for diabetes--though no tests have come back to indicate that I'm even pre-diabetic, so that's good. The cholesterol is something to worry about though and I will bring that up when I see her again.

Drowsiness is the worst symptom though and I'll tell you why. It's because I switched back to Zyrtec for my allergies and even though I take it at night, it's just a lot. it makes it hard to get up the in the morning. I can handle it okay during the day when I halve the pill, but I still end up dragging around, fatigued. I hope my body adjusts. I don't want to be tired all day. I have horrible allergies and have been receiving allergy shots for them, which contributes to fatigue on shot days. I can't live my life like a zombie all the time.

Just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed. I know it's going to take time to adjust to both new medications and even to the Zyrtec. And if Vraylar and Hydroxizine don't work, it will be onto something else. I'm just eager to get it right and feel fulfilled and content. I want to be able to workout if I want to. I want to relax if I want to. I just don't want to be ruled by fear or lack of energy or zero motivation. I want to be in control of my body. Drowsiness is opposite of this.

Onto the PTSD...that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I wasn't expecting that. I don't know if the meds will help with my PTSD symptoms. But I know that my stepmom and her sister both receive ketamine treatment periodically. Both of them have bad depression and it helps them tremendously. According to the website, it helps with PTSD and bipolar symptoms as well. So I've considered that as an option, but I want to try meds first.

That brings me to the other issue--cost. I'm lucky that I can pull together the funds when needed and tighten up spending enough to afford these expensive-ass therapy/psych appointments. I also have a boyfriend I live with who makes almost 2x what I do and can pick up the slack or give me money if I really need it. Most people are not in that situation. There are people in my own family who cannot afford certain things. Mental health is a luxury to them.

Something so important and life-changing is a luxury that they can't afford. It's tragically common. Health insurance in the US is a joke. I can't even bill them for these sessions. It's not that they don't cover any mental health/behavioral health (though that's part of it sometimes), it's that the places I have visited do not bill health insurance for some reason. Maybe it's harder to work with them. maybe there's something about the way they bill. I truly do not know. But it's expensive as hell and I know if it were easier, they would bill insurance.

So yeah it's hard enough that I have to scrape together the money and really budget out my spending and think of every dollar. But there are people who have to do this with groceries, with feeding their children! People who have to choose which bills to pay. They can't just scrape together some extra money and spend it on mental health. Those people are fucked. and then their kids, who grow up in poverty or who are surrounded by this constant survival mentality, will grow up traumatized and in need of therapy they can't afford either. The cycle continues.

Does the government care? No. This system isn't built well and it's failing the people who need it the most.

I could talk more about the PTSD and Bipolar. what they mean to me and the symptoms I'm having. But I'm tired (go figure) and this is all I can manage.

#personal #trauma #PTSD #bipolar #psychiatry #therapy #mental health #american healthcare

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jodilin65 · 5 months

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I message Doc A every three to four months and let her know what’s been going on. I’ll have to ask her how she liked the chicken the next time I talk to her. LOL, yeah, I had a dream she asked me to send 10 pieces of chicken. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to cook it myself, but decided in the end to just send KFC to her. Haha

Spawned by Andy and I debating doctors’ competency, I also had a dream the other night that I was in some waiting room and a male doctor came out and asked how I was feeling after they gave me a medication for who knows what. I said I was feeling okay and he started to say that now that I was no longer taking blood pressure medicine when I cut him off in frustration and reminded him that I never said I stopped taking blood pressure meds.

A female nurse then came to his defense to point out some kind of award he recently won and I told them that when he states incorrect facts after being told twice that I was still taking blood pressure medicine, it doesn’t matter what awards he’s gotten.

Then I was in another area of the office and walked up to the receptionist area where a few women were working. I started to say something when one of them rudely cut me off and snapped, “Did I say you could talk?”

Instead of walking out of there and not returning, I simply rolled my eyes and said no.

In real life, I went to CVS’s site to spend the $25 that I have until the end of March to spend but just didn’t see anything I needed. Also, they were showing that they had some things in stock that weren’t visible. I would see a number of items listed on the sidebar, but no images or prices on the main part of the screen. We’ll just go in person sometime.

I also called my insurance concierge, wondering what kind of foreigner I was gonna have to deal with this time and struggle to understand so I could find out what nutritionists cost. After having to jump through all kinds of unnecessary hoops for info that should have been transparent online, I got a funny-sounding woman who not only had a foreign accent but sounded exactly like one of the munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. The munchkin told me that it would be a $10 copay. Because they’re considered specialists, I have to get a referral from my doctor. So I’ll ask the nurse when I see her next month. I need to address my concerns about possible weight loss affecting my medication anyway.

I still don’t see weight loss happening, but if I’m wrong, I’m not going to act like I’m the biggest know-it-all like Andy did even if he did have a point when he said I was eating the wrong foods. I’ll give him that much. Some of them are acceptable, but I guess all the white stuff is gonna have to go along with the junk. White bread, white pasta, white rice… Plus, I would probably have to give up things like mayonnaise and coffee creamer.

After I see a nutritionist and we devise a plan suitable for me personally, I’m definitely going to give it my all, but it will be my last-ditch effort to lose weight unless I’m ever on a medication that causes me to lose it or I get really ill. I do want to get healthier and lower my chances of becoming diabetic and see if it will help my sleep apnea and increase my mobility, but I don’t want to obsess over it either. As Andy didn’t seem to get and wouldn’t get no matter how many times I pointed it out, I’m not a 10-year-old kid living with a woman who cared more about the outside of me than the inside.

The next time I hear someone say so and so will never change, they’re probably right.

Yesterday we moved my desk and rearranged the bedroom and it looks great! It’s going to look even better once the sticky “brick” tiles are up on the exterior wall. Mass-loaded vinyl is pretty ugly. It doesn’t make the bedroom soundproof, but it muffles outside sounds that aren’t loud.

I like to have a little fun every now and then instead of just saving and saving for the bed that’s going to take forever to get (I’ve got $900 so far, and Tom is now working on the same site) so I got an incense variety pack on Amazon that should be arriving today.

The cross stitch kit came and it seems a bit complicated. I just hope I can see what I’m doing! First, I want to finish latch-hooking. I don’t want to have too many projects going at once.

Because I’m still a little tired today, I’m not going to do any sorting. I figured I’d be back to normal soon enough. Hopefully, my TSH isn’t rising, though. Meanwhile, the next time I have decent energy, I’ll start the sorting of drawers and closets that I’ve been wanting to do.

While I have absolutely no doubt that I would completely ignore Termite Tammy, Andy, and many others if they begged and pleaded for me to take them back into my life with promises of all kinds of changes for the better, I wonder if I would be as smart with a few others I can think of. Sadly, the answer is no, I probably wouldn’t be. I would talk to Maliheh if she wanted to talk until she dumped me again. I would talk to Nane until she drove me crazy with her judgmental ways.

Eh, I guess I’m not perfect either.

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audiovisualrecall · 7 months

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My dad's been sick for 2 days ish bit not much beyond sniffles till yesterday and got a PCR done and they said they'd email him in the morning. This morning came and went and we heard nothing, finally he called them to find out that oh yeah someone logged the result but did nothing else with it. He's positive for covid, too, of course. But they for some reason didn't even consider prescribing paxlovid even tho as an over-65 yr old they Should have?? Last time they both got it, both were given paxlovid. This one didn't even suggest he ask his gp or anything. So he tried to call his doctor bc also he has prostate cancer so like yeah maybe he should be on the antiviral??? And it took all day to get a response and idk. My mom had paxlovid prescribed and called in and then was told she needed to take a different antiviral bc paxlovid interacts with her heart meds, apparently, so anyway we have an extra brand new box of it lying around, so if his doctor said yes, take paxlovid, he could use that one instead of going to pick up another box and letting this one go to waste. But he used his Customer Service Voice when he spoke to them and also honestly downplayed his symptoms- both yesterday and today, as the day got later he got the chills and sat in his computer chair with his hood up and dozed/napped most of the afternoon away. He seemed to wake up more after dinner last night and was fine earlier today, same as yesterday during the daytime, but he went from 99°f during their phone call to 101 (I think, it mightve been 100.1, my ears are stuffed due to covid, ugh) an hour or 2 later. And was still slumped in his chair napping with the hood up and despite advil, totally out of it until ma needed him to move his car so she could go out to get something. He still looks like shit tho, pale af. Anyway so bc he downplayed it on the phone to the Dr they didn't recommend the paxlovid I guess which i don't get, at all. Like the only reason I didn't take it is bc I cannot manage those horse pills. No way. Also bc I didn't realize I was sick until 3 days in. And yes technically he is 3 days in to being sick, too, so the effectiveness of the antiviral would be lessened, compared to starting it right away, but personally I think it's worth it anyway for him, but obvs not my choice, so.

Now he's up watching woodshop videos or whatever when he clearly needs the sleep. But whatever

#my mom is concerned too #and hes gonna ssy he can cook dinner but id rather do it. tonight at least idk what thryll do tomorrow #since I'm at work late #i also dont know how I'm getting home after inventory- whos gonna drive out at night to pick me up?#my mom who isnt as comfortable driving at night as she used to be? or my dad who. hm. lets say yesterday he drove me to the sfore and he #kinda bumped a parked car's mirror with his own bc he had to squeeze between some car s parked stupidly. but normally that wouldnt have #happened at all. so I'm not sure i can trust his judgment when hes probably going to have temperature again tomorrow night and that Does a #affect decision making! like knowing if u can safely drive as fast as ur used to and if ur reaction times are as fast as usual

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keuraecray · 11 months

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Everything is too much today.

My cat hasn’t been eating which means she doesn’t hydrate well being she won’t drink from a bowl. She’s lethargic and nauseous. Vet ran blood work and other tests and $300 later, said she’s perfectly fine. She still looks just as awful. I feel like she is suffering and in pain but everyone tells me to wait it out and she’ll be fine. A fat cat who’s only pleasure is gorging on literally anything that will barely eat anything is clearly not okay. I feel deep remorse thinking about how little I could do for my last cat who I may have prematurely put down. I’m miserable every day over it. And now I can’t afford to do anything but the bare minimum. I know something is deeply wrong and that she has some type of heart issues but I can’t afford anything and it makes me miserable.

I’ve been sick for years with no known cause and my sister I live with has had her own pile of issues that aren’t as straightforward and mess with her mental state. To my family its a strange mystery. To me it’s an insufferable thought always on my mind. I feel like I know the exact root cause.

I firmly believe we have a hidden mold issue causing all our health problems but everyone tells us off saying it’s not possible. My health issues started years ago and we’ve moved multiple times. But people never consider that they could be living in it themselves.

All of my health issues started when I was living in my aunts basement while I was figuring out housing (which is frequently flooded when there’s heavy rain). I was waking up at night gaping for air and went to my original family doctor who said I had anxiety and slapped some meds on me. That was my first apnea. I don’t have them severe enough to be diagnosed with sleep apnea but it is unmistakable.

I’ve always had some level of gut issues but I had always associated it with stress and nerves being things were oh so peachy as a kid. As you get older and the gut issues worsen with or without that original cause, you realize something else is up.

Fast forward to nearing the end of the pandemic. I started having severe brain fog. After countless specialist visits and meeting multiple deductibles, since getting in to specialists takes forever, I was left with no answers. We all chalked it up to long covid since I had at least one confirmed case.

The brain fog had gotten so bad while I was at work I literally felt like I had dementia. Couldn’t remember conversations I’d had with coworkers. They were starting to talk to me about it being an issue with my quality of work but they already had unreasonable expectations to begin with so I just found ways to get around it. I was miserable there and they knew it so I lost my job last month.

My coworker was studying Eastern Medicine and invited me to a student clinic where I had acupuncture at an affordable rate. I felt like I was getting better but as soon as we stopped it would all creep back up. My acupuncturist had asked me if I’d been exposed to mold. She lived through it and thought she saw the symptoms in me. I brushed it off like my family did, in part because I didn’t think it was possible and in part it was just purely denial.

I’ve looked into how to remediate on your own but can’t even afford the basic protective equipment necessary to avoid landing myself in a hospital for it. Don’t have health insurance and have been too depressed to try and apply for low/no cost insurance.

Then there’s the wildfires wrecking havoc on my lungs. There’s a gap the size of my pinky nail in my window of my bedroom so smoke gets in to the house on the bad air quality days. I stuffed a cloth and plastic bags in it with no relief. Ran our air exchange to try to filter what I could out. Filters were black with ash. I found scraps of plastic for sealing the windows in the winter months and have since taped off the window in the hopes that it will help but still feel awful on the bad days.

We have insurance that supposedly covers mold (whether its to replace belongings or to remediate I have no clue) but I’m paralyzed to do anything because we have no money or income even if insurance will help. I feel sicker and sicker each day. The only sleep I seem to get is when I pass out from exhaustion. Even before the health issues started causing me insomnia my cat wouldn’t let me sleep because she would get hangry between 4-8 am. We wound up saving an injured kitten since we didn’t want them euthanized being all the shelters are full. While my big fat cat has been sick he’s taken over in waking me on the few days I actually sleep decently.

Mold is naturally occurring and is present in every home at lower levels but I firmly believe everyone in my family has been living in stuff that’s beyond the point of “healthy”. Friends have their own families and no space so I really feel like I have nowhere else safe to live. I just can’t keep it together. I thought things were going so well when I started my last job despite the foggy brain but it seems like everything is going to hell rapidly in the last couple of months.

#and I post this here knowing no one can help #and few will read #but I don't have anything to fall out on and feel hopeless

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lilyofthesword-writes · 3 years

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Insistence

Summary: Loki is being stubborn even when injured, not wanting help for fear of seeming weak. You ignore his protests and tend to him anyways.

Pairing: Loki x Field/Combat Medic!Reader

Word Count: 2,864

Warnings/Disclaimers: Mild violence. Injuries, burns. I don’t go into gory detail. Minor character death alluded to.

A/N: This one took longer than I anticipated. I wound up rewriting it midway through. The whole combat medic has been on my list of ideas for a while with only the most basic idea in my head. Once I start writing, it veered off in a different direction.

Masterlist

“I do not require your assistance, Mortal,” Loki spat, his voice lacking the venom it was usually laced with especially when you were trying to do your job.

You scoffed, gently dabbing at the tiny lacerations on his cheek. “Well, you’re getting it anyways. What kind of field medic would I be if I didn’t help everyone on the team?”

He scowled as you brushed a rogue ribbon of inky hair behind his ear so you could make sure you didn’t miss anything. In truth, this was the first time he didn’t continuously insist on pushing you away. There was always something about him not needing your treatments or someone else needing to be tended to first - Any excuse he could use to deny help. Then again, there was nowhere for him to run this time.

Either Fury’s intel had been wrong, your team’s plans had been leaked or both. The HYDRA base you all had been sent to had been overstocked in both operatives and ammunition. Even with the legacy team that accepted Loki almost half a year ago, you weren’t prepared.

Nat had been the worst, immediately being taken down when she attempted to infiltrate the base. That was when the HYDRA members started spilling out from within and around the base. With the rest of the team providing backup, Clint was able to help you lug her back to the Quinjet where you cleaned the deep gash in her side and stitched her together again. Of course, Clint wasn’t going to stand down. He stayed by the ramp, firing arrow after arrow to keep some of the heat off his companions. You wound up having to patch up his bleeding leg while he continued to fight.

Steve was the next to return. He collapsed in a seat as you reached him. Bruised and battered, he was mostly alright save for the possibility of some broken ribs. Tony crashed-landed onto the ramp, the metal of his suit screeching and scraping as he skidded inside. He was in the same boat as Steve along with his suit quickly losing power. There wasn’t much left he could do. Thor lumbered backwards into the Quinjet, Mjolnir still boomeranging out into the field to take down what enemies he could. With the God of Thunder standing guard, Clint disappeared to the cockpit.

The engines whirred to life. “Okay, guys! Jet’s primed and ready for take off. We got everyone?” Clint called out.

You took a look around, hearing the engines ready themselves. Thor cursed under his breath as he continued throwing his hammer. Where was… Oh… Oh no.

Shoving the cotton ball doused in antiseptic into Tony’s hand, you peeled away from his side and hovered near Thor. Against the bright white snow, a twister of black, green and gold ferociously danced. Loki was still out there.

“Do NOT take off yet!” you hollered back.

With a huff, you opened a hidden compartment and pulled out a sniper rifle along with its tripod. After piecing together the barrels, you attached the small tripod and settled on the floor, taking aim in Loki’s general direction. You popped off a couple rounds onto any of the HYDRA agents who dared try to catch the mischievous god off guard.

Tony shuffled to his feet, cursing when he realized just what was happening. By this time, he had removed himself from the drained Iron Man suit. “Trade places, Legolas! Reindeer Games is still out there!” He dashed to the cockpit.

You fired again, this operative having gotten too close for comfort. Loki had turned just in time to see opponent drop dead at his feet. With a near indiscernible nod that could only be seen through your scope, he carried on, slowly making his way to the Quinjet.

Despite his own injury, Clint was swiftly back at your side. With the extra backup, an exhausted Thor was able to make it off the ramp, farther into the fray and meet his brother halfway. Clint and you kept the path clear enough for them to rush back. It was stunning to see how well they could work together when they needed to.

The moment they were in reach of the ramp, you leapt to your feet and with Clint pulled the exhausted brothers on board. The ramp lifted as you tugged Loki into sitting, and the Quinjet took off. So, here you were, attempting to take care of the trickster’s wounds after having checked on Thor.

“I am a god,” he sneered half heartedly. “I will heal quickly. This is unnecessary.” He winced lightly as the antiseptic stung his cheek.

You sighed, “Any one can heal those cuts, but just because you can do so faster than the rest of us, doesn’t mean you are impervious to infections. Just less likely to get them.”

He went silent at that, either realizing you were right or just not desiring to argue further. Done with one side, you swapped to the seat on the other side of him. With a clean, freshly wetted cotton ball, you gingerly began cleaning his other cheek. All things considered, Loki didn’t look too bad. At least, not as bad as he could have. With your freehand, you coaxed him to lift his chin up so you could tend to the lacerations on his neck.

“Why?” His voice was soft, just loud enough for only you to hear him.

“Why, what?” You copied his volume level.

“Why do you insist on this?”

You stopped your ministrations, raising your gaze to look him in the eye. His face was uncharacteristically soft as he looked back at you. Though he tried to hide it, his aventurine eyes held an unfamiliar vulnerability.

“Well,” you started slowly, carefully choosing your words. “You are a member of this team, and you should be treated as such.” Fingers still ghosting his chin, you guided him to face you. “You deserve the same treatment I would give everyone else.”

His brow furrowed as he studied you cautiously. It took him a moment before he finally spoke again. “Should that be what you wish to believe, it is fine by me.” You could hear the sharpness returning to his voice.

The god turned away, leaning back in his seat with closed eyes, effectively ignoring you. Now, you could have chosen to change seats, to move away from the cold attitude clearly directed at you, but you stayed. One, you were tired like everyone else and didn’t feel like getting up. Two, you were going to be stubborn and bug him with your presence.

Eventually a calm quiet enveloped the Quinjet, seeping into your bones. Feeling your eyes droop, you settled in your seat for as much comfort as you could get before drifting off.

You imagined hours had passed by the time you woke. Your muscles ached from the position you had fallen into, your neck being the worst. Tentatively rolling your shoulder, you tried to sit up and stretch only to find you couldn’t. Your head was resting you thought was the side of your seat, but there was a light weight keeping on top keeping you from moving. You opened your eyes to a shocking sight.

No, your sleeping position was a bit different from what you thought. Your makeshift pillow happened to be Loki’s shoulder. He, in turn, had his head on yours, probably having fallen asleep shortly after you. It seemed like he was still asleep, his chest rhythmically rising and falling in a way that could be described as soft. You could only imagine the tranquil expression on his face. There was absolutely no way you were going to look. You would probably move too much and wake him, and that would be the end of this little moment.

The rest of the team was asleep, save for Thor. Even with exhaustion drenching his body, he was wide awake, grinning like a madman when he realized you had caught him watching. How long had he bared witness to the scene unfolding? With a scowl, you pressed your finger to your lips, signaling him to keep quiet. He merely nodded, that knowing smile still plastered on his face.

The call you received from Maria shocked the lingering sleep from your body. A small team had been formed to infiltrate a hostage situation - a team that included Nat, Loki, Steve and another field medic whose name you hadn’t even had the chance to remember yet. The mission had soured once they reached the hostages. Everyone was being brought back to the compound for treatment. It was all hands on deck.

Quickly shucking your pajamas, you threw on a pair of scrubs and sneakers and made a mad dash to the Med Bay. The place was pure chaos. Most of the doctors and nurses were tending to the hostages in the main rooms. The team was near the back in separate rooms.

Spotting Maria who was attempting to direct people and bring some semblance of order to the wing, you rushed over to her. “Where do you need me?”

She flipped through the files on her data pad, not even looking up to see who she was speaking to. “Everyone has a medic taking care of them except for Steve and Loki. Start there.”

“Understood,” you nodded, leaving Maria to do what else was needed.

Down the hall, you took note of the injuries you could see of the various patients. Burns… Lots of burns… What in the world happened?

Passing by Nat’s room, she seemed mostly alright. She gave you a minute bob of her head that you reciprocated before meeting up with Steve. He had burns along one side of his body. Thankfully, the treatment would be minimal compared to some of the others.

“Hey,” he greeted you with a grimace as you began your work.

“How’re you feeling?”

He huffed out a tiny laugh, “Honestly, not terrible.”

With the top half of his suit tugged down, you gingerly cleaned and added ointment to soothe the wounds. “What happened out there?”

“One of the hostages… Well… He had an explosive… Saddled up to Trevor…”

Oh… The field medic… Oh god…

Steve sucked in a breath like he couldn’t get enough air in his lungs. “Loki tried to contain it, but… We were all a little late in reacting.”

Your hands stilled. “How bad is he?”

The super soldier plucked the salve container from your fingers. “He’ll live, but if you’re really that worried about him, I can handle the rest of this.”

“You know him.” You tried to snag the container back. “He’ll come up with any excuse to not let us help him. If he knows I left you here, he’ll insist I leave him alone.”

Steve held it away from you with his good arm like a kid holding its younger sibling’s toy out of reach. “I doubt he will do that this time,” he smiled reassuringly, a glint of knowing shining in his eyes.

Leaning on the bed, you heaved a sigh. “You’re gonna drag me in there if I refuse, aren’t you?”

“Yup,” he ended with a pop. “Now get going!” He shooed you away.

“Fine,” you groaned, playfully dramatic. “But you can bet I will be back later to make sure you did everything right.”

He let loose a chuckle. “I’d expect nothing less.”

Leaving Steve to his own devices, you went to the next room down the hall. The door was shut and the privacy blinds were closed. Was Loki hurt that badly that the others had to be hidden away?

With a quick announcing knock, you steeled yourself and pushed the door open, sliding in before silently closing it again. When you turned to face Loki, you were met with something you hadn’t quite expected to see. What burns still littered his skin looked as though they were mostly healed over, but that wasn’t the problem. With his armor off, you were able to get a good look at his arms and upper torso.

Blue. His skin was blue. Ridges meticulously adorned his arms, up his chest and even his face. It was such a stark contrast to his Asgardian form, yet it still suited him well. From unmarred, alabaster skin to decorated, indigo skin. Perfection in both forms.

“Loki?” you announced your presence as softly as possible.

His face scrunched as he squinted his eyes open to find you standing beside him. “Aren’t there others that need tending to?” The hoarseness of his voice betrayed the harshness he attempted to convey.

“We’ve enough staff to manage everyone well enough,” you shook your head with a smile.

Now that you were closer, you could see he was sweating profusely. His breaths were so shallow. Brushing away a locket of hair matted to his forehead, you found his skin warm… Much warmer than it should be. Instead of recoiling immediately, you laid your palm flush with his forehead. “You are burning up!”

You pulled away to pop outside the door. Waving down a nurse, you asked him to bring in as many ice packs as he could. What was currently stored in the room would not be enough. Returning, you pulled out all of the packs. You wrapped them in some towels so they wouldn’t directly touch his skin. Then, you placed them around Loki, hoping this would be enough until the nurse got back with you.

The god rested silently while you worked. It was only when you pulled up a chair next to him to keep an eye on his vitals that he finally spoke. “Why are you still here?” A sort of vulnerability leaked out of his voice.

“Because you need help,” you deadpanned, really not wanting this argument again.

“No.” His brow furrowed with frustration, ruby eyes staring at the ceiling. “Why haven’t you run yet?”

You brushed a little more of his tresses away from his face. “And why would I do that?”

“Are you blind? Do you not see the monstrosity before you?” He scowled, still refusing to look at you.

“No, I don’t.”

He barked out a laugh that he immediately regretted. “Then what, pray tell, do you see?”

Reaching across for his cheek, you guided him to face you, receiving little resistance. His skin was still hot but not quite as much as before. “I see a person who risked his own safety to protect a bunch of civilians. There’s no way you could be a monster even with your jötun form.”

“So, you do know what I am…” A deep frown etched across his face.

“Yes… If it makes you feel any better, only a select few know. I have to know the medical histories of all the Avengers if I’m to treat them in the field.”

Silence…

“And for what it’s worth, this,” your thumb graced the apple of his cheek, “is not scary in the slightest.”

His eyes searched yours frantically for any hint of dishonesty. A trembling hand raised and settled on yours, pressing it further on his face. His lips parted to speak but was interrupted by a light knock on the door.

With an apologetic smile, you slid your hand from his grasp. The nurse from before had returned with the ice packs. A quick “thank you” and you brought the tray in the room, shutting the door behind you. Just as you had before, you surrounded him with the new packs. Loki’s chest rose and fell more deeply as he cooled down even further, skin morphing into a pale sky blue and eyes returning to the bluish-green you’ve come to know.

“Well, you’re at least responding quickly. How do you feel?” You hovered at his bedside.

He locked eyes with you again, a cocktail of emotions swirling about despite his attempts to keep a straight face. “I-” he cleared his throat. “Better…”

“Good, good…” Your hands fiddled with the sheets. “Is there anything you need?”

Loki’s lips pursed, and he swallowed thickly. His digits brushed against yours, halting your nervous tick. “Stay?”

“Of course,” you breathed.

The corners of your mouth tugged upwards as you glided your fingers into his palm like two puzzle pieces meant to fit together, giving his hand a light squeeze. You pulled your seat closer and sat back down.

Just as you made yourself comfortable, Loki raised your hand to his face. His lips grazed over your knuckles as he whispered, “Thank you…”

“Anytime.” And you meant it. “I’ll stay for as long as you’ll have me.”

He let your entwined hands float back down to the bed as he chuckled. “If that’s the case, I do hope you are well prepared.”

“Oh, yeah?” You smirked. “And just how long do you plan on keeping me around?”

“For as long as you will have me.”

Little did either of you know, Thor had come to the Med Bay to check on Loki after he heard the news and was listening to the conversation through the closed door. He decided to leave you be for now. The congratulations and light teasing could wait until tomorrow.

Tag List: @nahthanks

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fandomlit · 4 years

Text

hotch’s daughter (various!criminal minds x reader)

requested by anon “Hi lovey I loved your thing w/ the team and Rossi’s daughter and was wondering if you could do something like that but w/ Hotch’s daughter and they all try to flirt w/ her (girls included)? Thanks if you do”

summary hotch finally brings his oldest child in to meet the team, which starts a small rivalry for your affections throughout the day. but little did they know...

a/n for sure one of the longer things i’ve written but i promise, the end is worth it ;))

gif cred belongs to @toyboxboy

rossi had been getting his ear talked off by spencer at the doctor’s desk when you walked in. he had been looking for an escape the last fifteen minutes without being too rude to the kid. then, he looked up and found the easy way out.

“hey, mrs. y/n,” he said, leaning away from the doctor to give you a smile. when the rest of the team looked up, they were met with the gorgeous sight of you balancing jack on your hip, your smile graceful and polite and stunning.

“hello, rossi,” you greeted as he walked up to give you a kiss on the cheek. “any chance you can guide me to my dad?”

“of course,” rossi nodded, and you hooked your free arm with his as he started leading you up to hotch’s office while engaging in some small conversation.

“that’s hotch’s daughter?” emily said in partial shock, eyebrows raised.

“i didn’t know hotch had a daughter,” derek scoffed, eyes never leaving you.

they all watched you and rossi walk to your father’s office. you entered without knocking, giving your father a smile as rossi walked to his own office. “she’s incredibly beautiful,” spencer commented.

“that’s an understatement,” derek contributed.

“no doubt,” jj added. emily was still staring at the door with her mouth agape. jj looked over and scanned her friend’s expression. “you okay, emily?”

“i didn’t have enough time to profile her,” emily hummed to herself. “if i had a little more, i’d know if she was gay.” jj chuckled.

“well, let me know if you find out.”

after about thirty minutes of trying to get work done, the team all perked up when hotch’s door opened. he was chuckling at something you were saying, him now holding jack in his arms.

“team, this is my daughter, y/n,” hotch introduced finally. “and you all know jack.” you gave them a wave and a smile. “y/n, this is derek,” the man gave you a charming smirk, “jj,” the blonde smiled politely, “emily,” the girl wasn’t even attempting to hide her checking you out anymore, “and spencer,” the doctor gave you a shy wave.

“it’s lovely to meet you all,” you nodded. “good to know my father’s in good hands.” they chuckled as you gave them another smile. hotch’s phone rang and he sighed, giving you and them a nod before taking off down the hall with jack to a more private place.

“so, y/n,” you looked up to see jj had spoken, “why haven’t we met you yet?”

you gave them all a smile and leaned against an empty desk. “i moved out the second i turned eighteen and went to med school in california.” they gave you impressed looks. “yeah, full ride.” you gave them a wink that they couldn’t help but melt at. “but uh, after that i took an internship in san diego and didn’t move back until a month or two ago when i heard about the divorce.” they nodded with sympathy, but you simply shrugged in response.

“do you have a job up here yet?” derek asked politely.

you nodded. “oh, yeah. im a local m.a., not too far from where my dad lives. i figured it would be nice to be a part of my little brother’s life, you know?” they all nodded.

“how are you liking quantico?” emily asked, still giving you that flirtatious look that made you blush and smile shyly.

“it’s a beautiful town,” you nodded. “admittedly, i haven’t gotten to see too much of it yet, what with work and jack. but there’s plenty of time for that.”

“i’d love to show you around some time, if you’d like,” emily smiled. you blushed again, but before you could answer, hotch came back.

“all introduced?” he asked with a sigh. they all nodded. “great. get back to work.” he lead you back up to his office, where you gave emily a quick glance before shutting the door. the girl was biting her lip with a smile. she looked around to see the team all giving her incredulous looks.

“what? she’s cute.”

later that day, derek found you making two cups of coffee in the break room.

“someone’s got a sweet tooth,” he said, watching you pour a third packet of sugar in one of the mugs.

you giggled, looking up with a smile that he easily returned. “and that someone’s my dad.” he chuckled as you stirred the steaming liquid.

“so what was it like, growing up with aaron hotchner as your dad?” he asked, getting out a mug to make himself a cup.

you shrugged, moving to pour some coffee in his cup without saying a word. he gave you a smile as thanks as you said, “he’s a good dad. little strict with all my high school boyfriends, of course, but otherwise he was comforting and very loving.”

“bet you had a lot of boyfriends in high school,” derek chuckled, taking a sip from his mug.

you gave him a smile. “bet you had a lot of girlfriends, derek.” something about the way you said his name made him feel cocky.

he shrugged. “what can i say?” you laughed with him before going to take your father his coffee.

“emily, right?” prentiss turned around to see you standing behind her desk with a small smile. she gave you a grin and nodded.

“prentiss.”

“emily prentiss,” you tried, walking closer to her. “i like it.”

she gave you a smile, leaning back in her chair as you perched on her desk. “has anyone told you you have very pretty eyes?” she inquired. you flushed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ears. “i’ll be the first to admit, im a little curious of you, y/n.” you tilted your head. “i just think there’s a lot i could get to know about you.”

“well,” you drawled, “you are a profiler.” she let out a small laugh. “profile me, emily.”

she looked you over with a smile. “you wear a ring on your right ring finger. at passing glance, someone may think ‘sure, she’s taken’ but in reality, it’s common in people who are dedicated to their jobs.” you looked down at the small silver band as she continued, “and speaking of your job, i get the sense that you went into the medical profession because of your dad, right?”

“yeah,” you confirmed, still smiling gently. “got sick and tired of seeing him all beat up.”

“so when you felt powerless over that as a child, you wanted to make sure you weren’t powerless when you were an adult,” she concluded. she gave you a look. “good enough?”

“perfect,” you complimented. she was about to propose that date again when your father called you over.

“y/n, can you come watch jack?”

“yeah,” you said, standing from emily’s desk and smoothing out your skirt. “i’ll talk to you later, emily.”

she watched you walk away with a confident smile.

you had been sitting in hotch’s office with the door cracked, holding jack as he slept in your arms. you had a book in one hand and your other supporting your sleeping brother whehn jj had peeked in to give hotch some paperwork. with your father nowhere in sight, she was greeted by that pure sight instead.

“you know,” jj started, walking into the room and grabbing your attention, “they say there’s something to be said about women who are good with children.”

“do they?” you hummed as she placed a stack of papers onto hotch’s desk. she gave you a smile and a nod. “then im sure there’s something to be said about women who are communication liaisons, no?”

“im sure there is,” she hummed as she walked out of the room, leaving you with a smile as you returned to your book.

“i think im gonna ask her out,” derek nodded, sitting on the edge of jj’s desk near the end of the day.

“like hell,” emily scoffed, sauntering over with her arms crossed. “remember when i already did this morning?”

“and did she give you an answer?” derek shot back. “yeah, that’s what i thought.”

“maybe we shouldn’t be trying to go for our boss’s daughter at all,” jj proposed. they all considered as penelope came walking up, a file in her hands.

“who? y/n?” the computer tech questioned. they all confirmed. penelope shrugged, “well, it’s too late for that.” they all gave her a questioning look. she simply pointed toward hotch’s office. they all followed her finger.

they watched reid walk up and give you a quick kiss and smile. their jaws dropped as he slid an arm around your waist and you lifted your purse onto your shoulder. you both started down toward the doors, where you would have to pass the team in the process.

“thanks for the warm welcome today, guys,” you said, giving them all smiles. spencer smirked unbearably at your side, absorbing the glares and shocked looks of his coworkers and friends. “i really appreciate it.”

they all nodded and muttered. spencer stopped right after you had walked past them. “oh, here, i forgot something.” he handed you the keys to the car. “you go start the car, i’ll be out in a second.” you nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

spencer turned around and quickly went to his desk, opening a drawer and taking out a small jewelry box, which they saw was fit for a nice necklace. as he walked past the team he said, “night, guys.” they were no longer looking at him. just as he passed them, he turned again, “oh, and one last thing.” they looked up to meet his smirk. “checkmate.”

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sugarybitterness · 3 years

Text

always home - natasha romanoff x reader

word count; 1,688

warnings; gunshot, injuries, blood

a/n; a little angsty but there’s fluff i promise! feedback is always appreciated <3

the mission had been a bust. there were more enemy agents than you had anticipated, meaning you and wanda could barely hold them off even with both your powers. as the two of you fought under the dark sky with only the moon providing a small source of light, you were seriously considering a retreat at this point. a loud cry broke through your concentration and your heart sank when you saw wanda crumpled on the ground with a hand on her side. you growled angrily as you quickly created a barrier around wanda and used your telekenisis to push away the agents surrounding you before running over, pushing back anyone who tried to intercept you or get near wanda.

“y/n/n, it hurts,” wanda gasped out as soon as she saw you, one hand was pressed against her side while her free hand was glowing red, pushing back the agents.

“i know wan, i know. come on, we need to leave,” you told her gently as you moved the barrier to accommodate the two of you as you pushed her hand firmer against the wound to try and stop the bleeding. why was there so much blood?

“but the information-“ wanda tried to protest but a pained gasp fell from her lips again. you felt the telltale burn in your eyes, wanda was like a younger sister to you and you have always been protective over your family.

“fuck the information. you’re hurt and i’m getting you home.” you stated firmly before helping wanda up. the sokovian let out a final wave of magic to knock out the remaining few agents nearby but the shouts and heavy footsteps from the base meant that you really had to hurry.

once the two of you reached the quinjet, you helped wanda onto the makeshift medical bed and instructed her to keep pressure on the wound before running to the control panel. you quickly keyed in the coordinates of the avengers tower, letting FRIDAY take over pilot controls and instructing the AI to let the team know that wanda needed immediate medical attention.

once the quinjet was in the air you hurried back to wanda’s side and replaced her hand with yours to apply pressure, mumbling soft apologies when the younger girl cried out in pain. a quick check showed that there was an entry wound but no exit wound, you cursed quietly as you check with FRIDAY how far out you were from the tower.

“i’m going as fast as i can miss y/l/n but it will still take another 20 minutes. the team has been notified and medical staff are on standby to receive miss maximoff once we land.” the AI’s words did little to reassure you. with one hand still on the wound, you moved another hand to gently wipe away the tears from wanda’s face.

“i’m sorry i couldn’t protect you better wan,” you apologised quietly, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. wanda did her best to smile at you, but you could tell she really was in a fair bit of pain. after the longest 20 minutes you’ve experienced, FRIDAY finally announced that you were landing. with one hand still on her side, you used your magic to lift the now semi-conscious wanda up gently. the moment the doors opened, you flew out with her and placed her on the waiting gurney. allowing a nurse to take over your position, you quickly placed another kiss on wanda’s head before tony, bruce and the rest of the med team wheeled her away quickly. once she was finally inside the compound you allowed your full wave of emotions to overcome you, tears finally falling and knees buckling. before you could hit the ground you felt a familiar pair of arms quickly wrap around you, bringing you to sit on their lap as they sat on the floor.

“there was so much blood nat.. i thought- i thought we wouldn’t make it back in time.” you whimpered out quietly as you continued to sob into your girlfriends chest. arms hanging limply at your side as you didn’t want to hug natasha back knowing that your hands were still stained red with wanda’s blood. natasha ran one hand up and down your back as her other hand rested on your neck, holding you close. she knew that there really wasn’t much that could be said to ease your worry or quell the guilt so she simply let you cry it out. when steve came over, mouth opening to ask about the mission, he was quickly shut down with a sharp glare from natasha. raising his hands in surrender, he left to go check on wanda in the med bay, throwing one last concerned look at the way you seemed so small in natasha’s lap (even though you were supposed to be the taller one.)

once your sobs finally subsided, natasha quietly asked if you wanted to take a bath or shower, or if you needed to go get yourself checked up. when you quietly asked for a shower with her, natasha smoothly stood up with her arms tucked under your legs, carrying the two of you into your room in the tower.

setting you down on the sink in your shared bedroom, natasha grabbed the things she would need to clean you up. while you had managed to fight off most of the agents with your barriers, you ended up engaging in a few rounds of hand to hand combat which meant that you had way too many bruises and cuts for natasha’s liking. as gently as she could, natasha took your bloodied hands and ran them under the tap allowing the water to wash away wanda’s blood. the thought of your teammates blood on your hands made you feel sick to your stomach, even though you weren’t the one that caused it but the fact that she had gotten hurt still made you feel like shit. you closed your eyes when you felt another wave of tears hit you, wishing desperately that things had gone differently and that the girl you called your sister wasn’t currently in surgery. your friendship with wanda had always been a little rocky, considering she made you and the rest of your team relive your darkest memories and fears. but then again, all of you had done some not so great things in the past- yourself included. wanda worked hard, pushing herself to be better in more ways than one and in some way trying to prove that she really did belong in this slightly dysfunctional family called the avengers.

“she’s a fighter, she’ll be okay.” natasha spoke quietly, smiling softly at you when you opened your eyes to look at her. you nodded in response, knowing that the redhead was right.

“you can feel the guilt detka but you cannot allow it to consume you.” natasha reminded you gently, drying her hands on her sleep shorts before moving to wipe away your tears. nodding again, you pushed your cheek against your girlfriend’s hands. despite her hands being slightly rough from all her time training and handling weapons, she always held you with such tenderness.

after you were cleaned up by natasha and the two of you had a warm shower, natasha bundled you up in your favourite sweater which used to be natasha’s until you took it. as you tried leave your room to make your way to the medical wing of the tower, you were quickly stopped by the redhead who stood in between you and the door.

“going to wait at the medical wing won’t do you any good detka. you need to rest.” natasha knew that the two of you had planned to strike at night and knowing how stubborn you were, instead of sleeping at the safehouse you probably went over the plan with yourself several times and made sure you had the blueprint of the building committed to memory.

you opened your mouth to argue but natasha gave a compromise, “we can ask FRIDAY to wake us up when wanda’s out of surgery, i promise i’ll wake you. but i need you to sleep, please detka.”

“fine.” you grumbled and went to lie on the bed while natasha talked to FRIDAY as she followed suit, lying next to you on the bed. you turned on your side to look at natasha and once FRIDAY stopped talking, the redhead shifted her attention back to you.

“cuddles?” you asked quietly, though you really didn’t need to.

“always.” was natasha’s reply as she pulled you closer to her and planted a soft kiss on your lips which you returned with a soft sigh.

“i love you my natty, thank you for taking care of me.” you mumbled against your girlfriend’s lips before give her another kiss.

“anything for you my love, i love you too.” natasha responded, kissing you again before readjusting your positions so your head was against her chest, allowing her heartbeat to lull you to sleep.

true to her word, natasha woke you up a couple hours later when wanda was out of surgery and the two of you made your way to go check on the sokovian. thankfully the bullet hadn’t hit anything major and the doctor managed to get it out quickly before closing up the wound. with the help of some advanced medical tech, wanda would be back to normal in a week or so. knowing that you would want to be there when wanda woke up, natasha quietly guided you to the couch and pulled you to lie on her.

“sleep detka,” natasha whispered, one hand wrapped around your waist while the other stroked your hair softly. too tired and relieved to fight back, you melted into the embrace. just as you were about to fall back to sleep, you thought about how extremely lucky you were to have someone as wonderful as natasha to come home to. even after a shitty mission like this, she managed to you feel so much better and so much safer. natasha will always be your home.

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff fluff #black widow #black widow x reader #avengers #avengers x reader

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anotherspnfanfic · 3 years

Text

Overloaded

Pairing: Dr Dean x nurse reader

Word count: 1584

Warnings: minor injury

Squares filled: Hospital AU for @spndeanbingo and Doctor AU for @supernatural-jackles Tell Me a Story Bingo

Summary: Working too many hours and being short handed leads to a breaking point.

~~~

Gabe pushed the wheelchair off the elevator into the ED. She bit her lip to muffle her whimper as the small bump jostled her foot. “Sorry,” Gabe murmured as he wheeled her towards the nurses station. “Hey, Charlie, you got an open room? She needs an x-ray.”

Charlie turned to see who Gabe was referring to. “Oh, what happened?” she asked, seeing the pain on her friend’s face.

Before either of them could explain, Dean came out of an exam room and spotted her. “My nurses are not supposed to be in wheelchairs. Especially not my favorite one,” he said as he walked over and squatted down to her level. He noticed her puffy eyes as he carefully pulled up the pant leg on her elevated foot. He echoed Charlie’s question, “What happened, sweetheart?”

She rubbed a hand across her forehead as she glanced at the floor. “I missed a step, or maybe two. I landed wrong on my ankle. I'm pretty sure it’s broken. It hurts a lot.”

Dean raised an eyebrow as he stood and moved to take over Gabe’s position. “Okay, let's get you checked out.”

“Exam 4 is open,” Charlie said.

Dean turned to Gabe as he pushed her toward the room. “Can you go grab the portable x-ray and 25 mcg fentanyl, please?”

Once they were in the exam room, Dean offered his hand to help her stand on her good leg. He leaned over and lifted her carefully and then set her on the bed. She tried not to whine as the movement sent pain shooting up her leg. “Damn it. This sucks,” she said.

He situated the bed so she was laid nearly flat and got her foot elevated on a couple pillows. “1-10—how’s the pain?” Dean asked, as he tossed a blanket over her.

“Uhh, about a 6.”

Dean nodded. “Gabe should be back with the pain meds in a minute. So, you missed a step?” he asked as he started to check her vitals.

“Yeah, I was playing with my phone and I missed it,” she explained. He gave her a skeptical look.

Before he could say anything more, Gabe appeared and handed Dean a syringe. “I figured you’d want that first. I’ll be right back with the x-ray.”

Dean finished recording her temp and BP, then pushed the sleeve of her scrubs up her shoulder and cleaned a spot with an alcohol wipe. “Little pinch,” he warned. “Babe, you can maneuver all the stairs in this building backwards, hands full, and with your eyes closed. You sure you just missed it?” he asked.

She broke eye contact as she contemplated her answer carefully, knowing he could tell when she was lying. “No,” she mumbled. “I might have been a little dizzy, too.”

He reached his index finger under her chin to force her eyes to meet his. “Any guesses why you were dizzy?”

She pulled away enough to drop her gaze back down to the bed and shrugged almost imperceptibly. “Low blood sugar, maybe? Probably,” she mumbled the last word. She fiddled with the corner of the blanket almost nervously, not wanting to see the disappointment and concern on his face.

He hummed. “So you didn’t miss a step. You fainted?”

She sighed in defeat. “Yeah.”

“Have you eaten anything since the granola bar I brought you,” he paused to check his watch, “five hours ago?”

She shook her head and pulled the barely-touched bar from her pocket. “I got busy and then I forgot it was there.”

“What about water? Have you been drinking?” he probed. She simply shook her head, still refusing to make eye contact. “So you’re probably dehydrated, too.”

She shrugged.

He sighed. “You really have got to take better care of yourself. I love how much you care for everyone around you, but you have to come first once in a while. Otherwise, you won’t be able to help anyone.”

“I just get so busy that I forget sometimes.”

He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead. “We are going to work on that.”

Before she could add anything, Gabe pushed the x-ray into the room, and within a few minutes, they had all the images they needed of her ankle.

“Definitely very broken,” Dean stated. “Gabe, can you run a CBC and BMP and then start an IV of normal saline while I go page Sammy, please?”

“You got it, boss.”

“Wait!” she yelled before he could disappear out the door. “Why are you paging Sam?”

He turned back to face her. “Did you hit your head, too? You broke your ankle; we need an ortho consult. That would be Sam.”

She let out a frustrated groan as Dean left.

Gabe patted her shoulder before wrapping the tourniquet around her arm. “Maybe try not falling down the stairs next time.”

She rolled her eyes and looked away from what he was doing. “Oh, my god. Why didn’t I think of that?!”

He finished the blood draw and got the IV set up. Next, he carefully fluffed the pillows under her foot to ensure it was elevated enough. “You are all set. Do you need anything else right now?”

“Not unless you have a time machine.”

“A day do-over? Let’s see.” Gabe snapped his fingers and then spun around. “Damn. It was worth a shot.”

She tried to contain her smile as she rolled her eyes at him. “Thanks for trying, I guess.”

Ten minutes later, she was dozing off when Dean returned with Sam close behind. Dean ran a comforting hand over her head to ensure she was awake.

Sam took a few minutes to read over the x-rays. He turned away from the light board and walked over to the foot of the bed. “Unstable bimalleolar fracture,” he stated as he inspected her ankle. “You just bought yourself surgery and a vacation.”

“No way,” she blurted. “I can’t. We’re already short staffed.”

Sam shrugged. “It’s not exactly optional. Good news, though: the swelling isn’t too bad yet, I happen to be free in 45 minutes, and you haven’t eaten anything in hours. So we can do this today.”

Charlie joined them to give Dean her lab results. He turned to address her. “Just like I thought: mild dehydration and your blood sugar is at 58.” Dean flipped through the info again before handing it over to Sam. “Okay. So I’ll add glucose to her IV and get her up to pre-op.”

“Perfect. Make sure you keep her foot elevated.”

Dean rolled his eyes dramatically. “Do you think this is my first day?”

Sam shrugged. “Just making sure, Jerk.”

“Bitch,” Dean grumbled quietly.

Sam turned his attention back to her. “I’ll see you soon, Shortie. I’ll getcha all fixed up. Sound like a plan?”

She gave him a lazy thumbs up. “Thanks, Gigantor.”

“Can you send Gabe back in here on your way past?” Dean requested. Sam simply nodded as he turned to leave.

Dean returned his focus to her. “How’s the pain now?”

She scrunched up her nose as she considered her answer. “Um, about one and a half.” She laughed at herself.

“That’s good. I see you’re loopy, too.”

She scowled at him. “You’re loopy.”

He just shook his head. “Whatever you say, sweetheart.” Gabe returned and Dean gave him the med order and asked him to take her up to the OR.

“You’re not coming up?” She pouted.

He shook his head. “I can’t. I’ll be there when you wake up, though, I promise.” He took her hand and placed a quick kiss to her knuckles.

As if on cue, Charlie leaned into the room. “Dean, trauma incoming. MVA car vs pedestrian. Ambo is two minutes out.”

“Okay, I'll be there in a second.” He gave her hand one more squeeze before he turned to leave. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

Roughly three hours later, Sam found Dean in the lounge pouring a cup of coffee. He nodded and offered over the now-full cup.

“Thank you.” Sam took a sip of the dark liquid. “We got her all set up in recovery. She should be awake soon.”

“Okay. I’ll head up there in a minute.” Dean took a sip of his own coffee. “Everything went smoothly?”

“I’d have paged you if it hadn’t.”

Dean rolled his eyes.

Sam nodded. “Yes, it went perfectly. It’ll heal up just fine.”

“Thanks, Sammy.”

Wandering into her room, he couldn’t help but smile at how peaceful she looked. He placed his hand softly against her cheek, sweeping his thumb slowly over the skin. She nuzzled into the touch as she lazily opened her eyes. “Hi, sweetheart.”

She gave him a goofy smile. “I like when you call me that.”

“I know you do.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “How do you feel?”

“Sleepy.” She yawned. “And I’m starving. Can you bring me some fries?”

He chuckled. “Well, I’m glad your appetite is back. You get a little more sleep and I’ll bring you fries.”

“And pizza,” she added. Before he could agree, she gasped. “Ice cream!”

“Tell you what: I will get you fries from the cafeteria for you to munch on on the way home and then we can order pizza.”

She pouted as her eyelids started to droop. “What about ice cream?”

His eyebrows scrunched together as he asked, “When do we ever not have ice cream at home?”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay.” She smiled as she finally let herself drift off once more.

~~~

Tags: @deanwasscaredbyacat @babypieandwhiskey @muchamusedaboutnothing @defenderrosetyler @akshi8278 @like-a-bag-of-potatoes

#tell me a story bingo #spndeanbingo #supernatural #spn fanfic #dean x reader #doctor!dean #doctor!sam #dean one shot #dean winchester #my gif #spn #dean winchester x reader #supernatural fanfiction

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unforth · 2 years

Text

…okay I don’t think I’m going to manage another prompt fill today, my brain just won’t boot, but I guess that means this is as a good a time as any to explain what the fuck is going on. I’ve already talked about it on like three of my Discord servers but I know I have a lot of mutuals on here who aren’t in any of those servers so.

I’ve been having issues with my back on and off since my mid 20s. I didn’t have insurance then so I didn’t do anything about it, and when I did get insurance at 31 it wasn’t a priority. However, after I had a really bad flare up while I was pregnant with our second kid, it became a higher priority. When I had another flare up and wasn’t pregnant, so I could actually get testing, I went to an ortho urgent care. They did an x ray, said nothing was wrong, and told me I should get painkillers. So I went to my PCP, said I thought I needed an MRI, and they said that would never get approved by insurance and they sent me to PT. That was about 3.5 years ago. I did the PT but since my flare ups never lasted more than 6 weeks, and the PT was a six week course, obviously I was “cured” by the PT, so every time I had a flare up any attempt at care was met with, “go to PT.” And considering that first round of PT 1. Didn’t help and 2. Cost me $750 out of pocket cause insurance didn’t cover it…yeah I didn’t do that. My flare ups got more and more frequent, from once every few years in my 20s, to once every year, to more than once a year. This year, one last winter never fully faded.

By summer I had steady low level pain and stiffness but I could manage through it so I just ignored it. That started intensifying in October, and I thought it was a full new flare by November, except the pain was different than past flares - more intense, more constant, much harder to ignore and work through. It also had a strong radiating sciatic component that was fucking ow. And it got steadily worse. I spoke to my PCP about a month in; she offered PT and I said no. She got me naproxon for pain and baclifen as a muscle relaxer. It didn’t help. She told me if it didn’t fade in six weeks I should call again. Which I did, a few days before Christmas, when it was clear that far from fading, it was getting steadily worse. I couldn’t stand long enough to do the dishes without incapacitating pain; Christmas night I drove my mom home and couldn’t make my foot depress enough to press the brake. That was. Well it’s a good thing moms house is only a few minutes away. I haven’t driven since then cause I have only gotten worse. She referred me to a specialist I chose because of their good reputations and my wife’s knowledge of them,

I talked to the specialist about everything last Thursday, and finally, after four years of me telling any doctor I could that I thought I needed an MRI, I had my first ever MRI on Monday. The specialist also gave me much better meds, which at least have meant I slept; by the night before my appointment I was in so much pain that sleep was literally impossible; I spent the night curled in a ball on the couch playing Minecraft and wishing any position would hurt less cause I was so tired. (I’d hardly slept three other nights that week for similar reasons).

Anyway, yesterday I had my follow up with the specialist to discuss the MRI results and, uh. I guess my first appointment I didn’t do a great job of explaining just how much pain I was in, because she was very much talking about PT and related treatment. After looking at the MRI she said, I’m going to see if the surgeon is available to speak to you literally right now (unfortunately, he wasn’t). She still hedged bets and said the surgeon might not recommend surgery, but after she said that she spent the entire rest of the appointment discussing surgery so. She clearly thinks I need surgery. I have a herniated bulging disc between my L4 and L5 vertebrae which has caused spinal stenosis, which is leading to the pain, tingling, growing weakness, etc. in laymens terms, the disc is all fucked up and it’s pressing on my spinal cord. It’s basically just a matter of time now before I start to risk permanent nerve damage (I’m not there yet but could easily get there). I wasn’t even able to get an appointment with the surgeon yet, because his regular calendar is full for weeks out, and they need to talk to his secretary to see if he can squeeze me in much sooner, but she won’t be back in the office until Monday. In the meantime, she gave me a list of conditions that, should I meet any of them, I should immediately go to the ER, tell them what’s going on, and the surgeon on call would do the surgery instead (the spine folks I saw are part of the hospital, and the four surgeons they have are the four on call surgeons at the ER, and they’re all good, so this isn’t going to get me worse care). She also made it sound like, given staff shortages caused by Covid and scheduling issues also caused by Covid, there was a pretty high chance I’d have to use the ER option.

All of which is to say, I need major surgery on my back and I’ve been in continual pain for about 2 months.

I’m currently on ludicrous amounts of medication, and yesterday she added prednisone to the mix, and that’s what’s just. Completely knocking me out. I was doing okay before that but today I really am just reverting to my natural boneless blob state on the couch…and I’m still in pain and can hardly stand.

I have no idea when my surgery will be, since I could theoretically meet one of the “go right now” criteria at any time. We’ve made what arrangements we can, and will be making more as we’re able, but…yeah. It’s a lot. I’m actually relieved about the surgery itself, since I’ve been dealing with this for so long, and I’ve been so sure I had a herniated disc and that I’d need surgery to fix it, and sure enough I was right, and if they’d listened to me sooner, I might not be in this mess now, but oh well. The surgery has a very high success rate and if I do PT and stuff after odds are I’ll be pain free and back to 100% once I’m through the recovery, so this isn’t a bad thing, I mostly just wish I could fucking get it over with again.

I am. So tired.

(I also can’t sit at my computer literally at all anymore; I’m doing everything from my iPad rn, which is why everything I write is full of typos and weird auto corrects, and I’m sorry.)

(This is also why I’m behind in literally everything I’ve said I’ll do. I’m sorry. I’m trying.)

#unforth rambles #I was going to hold off on this until I knew for 100% sure that I needed surgery #and had it scheduled #but I’m tired and miserable today #so I guess I’m just gonna post it now and throw it into the void

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extremelyblackandwhite · 3 years

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scrubs - 5.

pairing: doctor!sebastian stan x biomedical scientist!reader

warnings: medical check up (please do not follow any of the medical advice described her)

a/n: this will have another chapter aside from this one because yes.

< previous chapter

- Y/N, stop being childish. - Sebastian rolled his eyes at the scientist now holding herself against reception, deciding she’d rather be seen by anyone but him. - Y/N, c’mon.

- I don’t want to be seen by you. There are over 50 nurses on shift today and any of them can do a basic exam better than you. - she held onto that counter for dear life, knowing the moment she decided to let go, her ankle would give up on her. Nevertheless, she knew what nurses were capable off and most of the times they wouldn’t even need a doctor’s opinion so she definitely didn’t need him.

- Yeah but ... - he approached her, a smug smile forming on his entirely way too handsome face. - But I know your body so, so well, darling. I think I can figure out if something is wrong.

Y/N smiled sarcastically, cocking her head to the side before kicking his leg. Sebastian bite down onto his lip, back hunching slightly as a few nurses passed by. He waved at them, smiling as if his tibia throbbed due to her kick. For a small woman, she sure had a powerful kick. He straightened his back, pulling one of the wheel chairs from the back of the reception and rolling it up to where she was but she remained as stiff as one could be with a swollen ankle, with one hand against her hip while the other one firmly gripped the counter of the reception.

- Sit down, Y/N. Don’t make me write you up as unfit to work today.

- I am not unfit to work today, I am unfit to look at your face for more than 5 seconds.

- Okay, Y/N then walk in a straight line for me, straight spine, shoulders back. - he stepped out of her way.

She considered trying to do that, surely she could deal with the pain of her own weight on her ankle for at least a few minutes. Yet again she considered the options of successfully doing so and getting away from him until another doctor or nurse passed by and the option of falling flat on her face in front of him. Her resolve quickly wore down as she remembered just how small her tolerance of pain was and how much she did not want to embarrass herself in front of him by falling on her face. Unlike him, she could be professional. After all she wasn’t the first staff member to sleep with a doctor and certainly wouldn’t be the last; besides, she was nothing if not a professional. She sighed, sitting down on the worn out fabric of the wheel chair. She’d give him this one, she thought to herself as he wheeled her into his office.

Despite her constantly nagging him about his results, she’d actually never gone up to his office that often. Dr. Stan was normally the one who’d made his way to her laboratory not the other way around. As a long time doctor, he had his own little office to receive his patients and as such, he decorated it how he pleased it and despite her wanting nothing but to compliment him after his past actions, she had to admit it was probably one of the calmest more inviting offices she’d seen before. Instead of the scary almost macabre posters of human anatomy and regular pathologies, he had some abstract art on his walls with one or two models on his desk and a most likely fake plant on too.

- Want help getting onto the stretcher?

- Fuck off, Stan. I can do it myself. - she couldn’t do it herself.

She looked at the stretcher as a goal keeper looks at a football. The stretcher couldn’t be taller than the height from her feet to just slightly above her hip, yet it seems as if that height was now taller than Mount Everest. Y/N calculated her movements and put her hands on top of the stretcher, pulling herself up with her arms and dragging herself into the middle of the stretcher, legs and arms out but her torso was in so she wiggled herself into laying down completely on the stretcher before pulling herself up.

- We could’ve done that in a second if you’d let me help you. - he rolled his eyes, stepping in front of her and the stretcher.

- I can help myself, Doctor.

- Oh, is Doctor now? - he replied rather sarcastically, pulling opening the glove compartment in his office. - Are you allergic to latex or any ingredient in regular plastic gloves I should know about?

- Shouldn’t you know if I am allergic to latex? - she cocked her side to the side much to his displeasure. - No, no latex allergies.

- Okay ... - he put some bright blue gloves on before walking back to her. - First, I’m just going to palpate around the top of your scalp to check for any trauma or signs of injury.

- My ankle is hurting, not my head.

- You hit your head, it’s standard procedure. - her shoulders slumped as he proceeded to palpate around her head. It felt ridiculous, she was fine, she did not need an examination of her head. - Looks good, no bumps, so the fall probably wasn’t harsh on your head.

- I could have told you that. Do they not teach you to hear to your patients in med school?

- How would you know? You didn’t go to med school.

- I’m starting to think you didn’t either.

- Okay. - he rolled his eyes once more at her snide remark. - The next thing I am going to do is have a look inside your ears to see if there’s any bleeding, just to make sure we’re covering all our bases.

- Why are you telling me? You’re the doctor. - Sebastian ignored her, taking his otoscope out of the pocket of his coat and placing a rubber disposable tip on the end before putting it up to her ear and switching to the other one.

- Everything looks good in both ears, no signs of bleeding. Your tympanic membranes look clear and I didn’t see any fluids or blood behind them. No defects and if it interests you to know there’s also no excess wax build up. Can you just tell me if it was painful or sore when I looked into your ear?

- Shouldn’t you have asked that while you were looking into my ear?

- Y/N if you don’t start taking this seriously, I ...

- You will what?

- Do you seriously want me to call a nurse on you? I normally only have to do that with children and elderly patients.

- You wouldn’t. - she squinted, hands gripping the material of the stretcher.

- Try me. - he crossed his arms. - I’ll ask again. Was it painful or sore when I looked into your ear?

- Yes.

- What?

- No. - she held in a laugh, bitting the inside of her lip.

- Y/N ...

- Glad to know you have not forgotten your patient’s name, doctor. Doing great.

- Okay, Y/N. I need you to be serious with me now and answer truthfully or I’ll order a CT scan for you.

- I hate CT scans.

- I know. - he smirked. - So, what’s it gonna be?

- Would you seriously make the hospital cover an expensive CT scan to check for a concussion that I don’t have just to upset me?

- Oh, no, sweetheart. If you continue to be a brat, I will order a full body CT scan and if they ask I’ll just say I’m covering all my bases. So, what’s it gonna be? You’re gonna play nice or do you prefer to get an exam done?

- Call me sweetheart again and you’ll get a concussion. How about that?

- You can do whatever you want to do to me after we’re done but until then you will answer the questions I have truthfully. Deal?

- What other option do I have? - she crossed her arms at him. Y/N knew she was being unnecessarily difficult with him but she also knew that there was a 0.1% chance she had a concussion. Nevertheless, he looked dead serious on ordering a CT scan for her and the last thing she wanted was to have a claustrophobic attack because she refused to answer a few questions. - Fine.

- Good. So, what time did this happen?

- I don’t know, I don’t exactly look at my watch after falling down the stairs.

- Y/N ...

- Like ... 20 minutes ago.

- What did you feel when you fell?

- My head was pounding, my ankle felt hottish and I felt a bit nauseous.

- Do you feel nauseous when you feel pain or is that something new for you?

- No, it happens when I get hurt.

- Any dizziness or blurred vision? Metallic taste in the mouth, almost blood like?

- I don’t think so.

- Any tingling or weird sensations around your face and neck?

- No.

- Okay, so ... I’m gonna have a look in your eyes. - he took his light from the same pocket he had taken the otoscope from. - I need you to look at me and not at the light. Don’t focus on it, okay?

She nodded, deciding it would be best if she went along with it before she was stuck in his office for a whole hour. He turned the light on and she did as was required of her by staring at him. She thought she could make him feel uncomfortable but it ended up being her who felt uncomfortable as flashes from last night picked that exact moment to return to her brain. Y/N told herself to cut it off and tried to continue to stare at him but gave up after a few minutes of her now sober brain deciding to show her exactly what she had been doing last night. She turned her head to the side, closing her eyes forcefully.

- Are you okay, Y/N? - he put a hand on her shoulder but she shook him away, turning her face back to a neutral position. - Too bright.

- Well ... uhm, yeah it is shining directly in my eyes.

- Okay. I don’t need to look more into them, they look fine. Nothing to worry about. I just need you to open your mouth now?

- What? No.

- Why not?

- Because ... - because my brain has decided that sounds much less innocent than it actually sounds. - Because I don’t want to.

- Y/N, c’mon. I just need you to open your mouth and then check your ankle and you can be out of here just like you want to.

- I don’t want you looking into my mouth.

- I have seen you naked and that’s what you’re worried about? Me looking into your mouth?

- You are not a dentist, you don’t need to be looking into my mouth.

- Your answer was unclear so yeah, I need to. Open your mouth.

- Stop asking me that. Can you pose the question in a different manner?

- God, I swear if you’re doing this on purpose.

- I am not.

- Fine. Say ah, then.

- That just sounds worse. - she felt her cheeks heat up.

Sebastian rolled his eyes, pulling the chair from behind his desk. This surely was going to take longer than expected. He knew she’d be defensive but he didn’t know she would be so difficult. In all honesty, he didn’t even know why she was mad at him. The only thing he could remember was being hit by her files before she stormed off. Yet again, Y/N was almost always annoying with him so it wasn’t a new occurrence. The new occurrence was a patient asking him to reformulate the question.

- Y/N what are you ... oh. - it finally dawned on him. - That’s not work appropriated, Y/N.

- I swear if you keep on talking I will throw you off your own window.

- So dirty. - he took one of the wooden spatulas from the stand on his desk.

- Fuck off.

- Come on. - she reluctantly opened her mouth and had it not been for the wooden spatula holding her tongue and jaw down, she would’ve probably closed it as fast as she had opened it. - Looks good. I just need to repeat some numbers back at me, okay? 55, 10, 40, 9, 1.

- 55, 10, 40, 9, 1.

- Good. I don’t think you have any concussion. I just need to check your ankle now. Can you put your foot on my lap and please not kick me?

- I’m tempted to. - she rose her ankle and placed it on his lap. He proceeded to take of her shoe and sock before starting to palpate around her ankle which was visibly swollen.

- I’m gonna turn your foot to the left and to the right. If anything hurts, let me know, okay? - she nodded as he turned her foot carefully to the lift and to the right, but it didn’t hurt, it was just sore. - No pain?

- No.

- Good news, I don’t think it’s broken, just strained. Some ibuprofen for inflammation and some ice and in a few hours you can at least limp without pain.

- I don’t have some hours. Unlike you, I have work to get done.

- So do I, Y/N. You think I enjoyed having you take longer than 30 minutes in what should’ve been a 15/20 minute exam?

- Oh, I’m sorry. - she interrupted him. - Did my injury overstep on your gossiping about sleeping with me? I’m so sorry, I’m sure the whole hospital will still be waiting for you anyway.

- What?

- Can you please give me a minute so I can limp out of here in anger?

- You think I’m telling the hospital staff I slept with you?

- Well, the whole hospital knows and I didn’t tell them so unless we had a threesome I have recollection about then there’s only two of us who knew and if I didn’t tell them, guess who did? And before you can answer it’s you, the answer is you.

- I didn’t tell anyone, Y/N. I have better things to do than discuss my sex life with the whole hospital.

- That’s just dandy. - she jumped of the stretcher, ignoring the pain which started in her ankle and climbed up her leg but she didn’t mind. Now she was upset, one thing was him telling everyone and the other one was denying he had done as such. - You know what Sebastian? I get it, you slept with the lab girl who annoys you and you wanna tell everyone about it. Fine, but at least admit it.

- Y/N, I didn’t tell anyone.

- Fine, say whatever makes you feel better.

taglist: @rebekahdawkins

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan/reader #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan/you #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan x y/n #sebastian stan/y/n #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan drabble #sebastian stan au #doctor!sebastian stan #doctor sebastian stan #doctor AU

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