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#external validation

cosette141 · 1 year

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Write and Create for Yourself First | thoughts on fanfiction, art and external validation

When it comes to fanfiction, or any creation for that matter, so many people judge their own fics, art and talent by the amount of interaction with it.

I only know because I recently used to be one of them.

For people who seek external validation, if they have a story that has a thousand kudos or notes, they consider it worthy.

But if it has only 2, or god forbid none, then they feel like it wasn’t good or they “wasted their time” writing it. But that’s just not true, and it’s such a hurtful way of thinking about yourself and your own work. It’s only human to feel drawn towards external validation, but it’s your choice whether or not to chase it.

I implore you to think about it a different way, and hopefully make you feel a little better if you are the kind of person who thinks this way. Because in most cases, kudos, likes, comments, interaction—it’s a reflection of exposure, your current following, the luck of an algorithm, the traffic to that specific corner of the internet, or just how niche of a genre you’re creating in.

Not talent.

Think about this: imagine someone you idolize, respect or even envy the talent and success of. It could be a famous musician, author, a fellow fic writer—anyone who is successful and talented.

Now ask yourself: if no one in the world, not one single soul, ever saw any creation this person ever made…

Would it make that person any less talented?

If that famous musician never shared their music with anyone, are they no longer talented? Are they any less worthy of feeling confident in themselves and their work? Should they feel any less about themselves because they don’t have anyone validating their talent and ability?

If your favorite book writer kept their stories to themselves and never shared them, are they any less brilliant?

No.

But society makes it seem like it.

Think about your favorite books or movies or fanfics—(not your own, but someone else’s work that you love)—that don’t have a lot of kudos or likes or engagement. You love this story/creation. It touched you and you can see how incredible it is. Does it matter that the rest of the world doesn’t? Does it make you love it any less? Do you look at the kudos count and then say “Oh, wait, now it isn’t good anymore.” How many times are you commenting on something saying “I can’t believe this doesn’t have more comments/likes/etc!”

Do you realize how many people say that about the fics you’ve written that have little engagement? Even if they don’t tell you, there are people who are thinking it. There are countless posts and comments on tumblr from people who admit they don't comment because they simply are shy or don't know what to say.

External validation is a dangerous hole to fall into. Because the more you reach for it, the more you rely on it, the deeper you fall.

The easiest way to avoid falling into that hole is to look at your creation the moment you’ve created it, and capture the feeling you have right then and there. What does it make you feel? Did it help you cope? Did it make you smile or laugh? Did it make you cry and ease some of your emotional weight? Did you just feel that you created an incredible thing, and that you love it so much?

Someone liking it or not liking it doesn’t change what you feel in that moment.

Sometimes, you just have to wait for your time. Maybe your creation needs a few years and then it’ll get noticed and you’ll be rolling in success.

Does that mean you’re supposed to feel sad and invalidated until that happens?

If you currently have a creation that’s seen some external validation already, what would you tell your past-self who just posted it, and is waiting for engagement, thinking it isn’t good enough until they get some?

Think of all the time you spent sad, waiting for everyone else to change your mind. Think about how much power you’re giving them! Imagine that person whose underappreciated fic you love. If they were sad about it, what would you tell them?

Because sometimes, there are just things that won’t get exposure. There are just tv shows that won’t get picked up or movie deals that fall through and never get made, books that never get published and fics that never get read.

And if that is devastating to you, I ask you why you’re writing them in the first place.

Of course we all want to share our creations and get comments and positive reviews. And they are wonderful and fulfilling and inspiring and motivating! But if they are the only reason you are creating, if you always feel you wasted your time on a story that receives little interaction, you will feel empty so much of the time. You will always be wanting more, because you are focused on the quantity of them. When you are in this mindset, the moment after you finish reading the most heartfelt review you’ve ever gotten... you’re already waiting to get the next one.

But instead, if you create for yourself, if you sit in that moment of creation and you feel incredible about it, just between you and yourself… and you remember that feeling and that fact even after posting it publicly, everything else is just extra. It’s just the cherry on top. If you wrote that story because you needed to get something off your chest and you did, it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks of it.

If you felt incredible when creating art, then that art is incredible.

Hopefully, you are sharing your work with people, rather than writing it for them. Or, more accurately, for their positive feedback and compliments. Comments are sweeter when they aren’t viewed as payment to you or validation, and are instead like a gift to you.

You are always happy with your work if you view it this way.

You are sometimes happy with your work, depending on the actions of other people, if you rely on external validation.

Obviously you can do whatever you want! It’s your life and it’s your creations. But I can at least tell you that you will be a lot happier if you create for yourself first and take everything else as a wonderful surprise addition.

Because as someone who has climbed back out of that external validation hole and saw the sun for the first time in a long time, I can at least tell you that it has been so much happier for me.

I wrote an addition to this post to answer this question: How do you write for yourself first when you are making writing a professional career? That post is here!

#writing #fanfiction #writing advice #writing motivation #fanfic writing #fanfics #fanfic #writing fanfiction #writing fanfics #external validation #fanfic comments #fanfic writers #fanfiction writers #fanfic reviews #ao3 comments #ao3 stuff #writing struggles #writing inspiration #ffn comments

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writingraven · 2 years

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When You Need Motivation Imagine…

(for the people who crave external validation)

have realistic expectations… but dream a little too — you deserve it <3

❦

➵ someone rereading your book because they love it so much

➵ someone analyzing your characters and plot

➵ someone relating to your character and feeling seen

➵ someone making headcanons about your character you didn’t even consider but oh my gosh yes that’s so true

➵ someone giving you five stars

➵ someone recommending your book

➵ someone quoting your story

➵ someone noticing the littlest detail you never thought anyone would pick up on but they did and they love it

➵ someone tagging/annotating your book

➵ someone making fanart of your characters/setting

➵ someone making memes about your story

➵ seeing someone read your book in public

➵ someone posting about how amazed they are at your brilliantly creative mind

➵ someone begging for a sequel

➵ someone getting a tattoo to represent your story

➵ having a book signing / meet & greet

➵ someone asking you to sign their copy of your book

➵ someone asking you for writing advice because you’re an inspiration to them

➵ your story becoming a tv show or movie

➵ someone reading your book in 10 years, 20 years, 50 years

➵ your book being turned face-forward on someone’s bookshelf so they can always admire it

➵ your book being discussed in a book club

➵ someone gifting your book to a friend

➵ friends reading your book at the same time to enjoy it together

➵ making someone’s day by simply responding to a message/comment about your story

➵ bookstore employees playing that recommendation game, getting your genre, and immediately running to find your book from the shelf

➵ someone trying to shift to your world

➵ your character being someone’s favorite book boyfriend/girlfriend

➵ someone smiling while reading your book

➵ inspiring someone to finish their own story

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vizthedatum · 7 months

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My friend validated me today - he told me that he never trusted my ex-spouse from the start. And that he was worried about my safety but didn’t say anything since we were newish friends back then.

I don’t blame him.

Would I have even listened?

My other friend told me similar - that she thought they were a covert narcissist when we started dating.

—

I did love my ex. Deeply.

But they are the most cunning and intelligent person I’ve met - and they’re an excellent behavioral masker.

And they’re also the most fragile person I’ve ever met.

I will always love them for their role in my life.

I will never forgive them for their complete lack of empathy for me. I will never forgive them for calling me the abuser WHEN I TRIED SO HARD IN THAT RELATIONSHIP TO HONOR THEM AND US. I will not apologize for finally listening to my needs or for having boundaries (which were not control-based).

—

And with that (as I wait in this urgent care where I am still haunted by DV flyers) I’m ready for my Navratri prayer/puja for tonight. I understand what I must say and ask for the matrimonial version of Durga tonight.

#healing #trauma #neurodivergence #love #queer #self love #prose #heartbreak #narcissistic abuse #navratri #navratri day 3 #prayer thoughts #external validation #narcissistic discard #they’re not diagnosed #they’re going around undiagnosed hurting people #they will always wonder what love is because they’re empty inside #divorce #marriage

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wreckitremy · 9 months

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I need external validation please!

1. Shut off water

2. Unhook everything from the water

3. Unhook everything from the t pipe thing

4. Hook the washer back up to the water (and turn back on)

My anxiety has been keeping me from doing this, bc 'kaysee (what i nicknamed my anxiety) is convinced we will break something.

Please tell me it's not going to break or point out any glaring problems with these steps?

#help #external validation #anxiety #august 2023

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turiyatitta · 9 months

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The Spirituality Façade

Navigating Between Pretense and AuthenticityIntroduction:In an age where spirituality is often a trend, the differentiation between authentic spiritual pursuit and a mere display of piety becomes pivotal. If one merely adopts the garb of spirituality without authenticity, is it spirituality at all? This article seeks to explore the delicate balance between presenting oneself as spiritual and…

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starrfleshh · 1 month

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sometimes when i talk to someone and all they talk about is how loving their partner is i truly feel happy for them but then I always wonder when will i finally stop seeking external validation and feel like collapsing when someone expresses their happy moments when will i finally feel rooted in myself deeply?

where are my roots if not in myself???? where am I floating?? why am I still floating? yes I grow but without roots I cant control the direction I grow in

#love #girlblogging #rooted #external validation #internal validation #meditation #growth #why is it like this #when #oh my fucking god when

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luncalxartwork · 1 year

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I am NB but, I am masculine presenting. It is so validating when I am referred to by customers as "sir". Especially considering I am a smol af.

#art #artwork #drawing #artists on tumblr #furry #furry fandom #sliceoflife #fursona #nonbinaryartist #nb #transisbeautiful #transgender #transmasc #external validation #artist update #furry community #illustration #digitalart #csp

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ronannanor · 11 months

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tryin to teach myself "i don't care if ppl like it, i do and that's what matters"

#build self esteem or die #i say to my sobbing reflection #really just tring to be artistic without needing uhhhhh #external validation #it do be difficult tho

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cosette141 · 1 year

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How to Write and Create for Yourself When You Make Writing Your Career

I made a post about why it’s important to write and create for yourself first, rather than do it for external validation or pleasing other people. And on that post, I received this wonderful question from @hotherus-the-blind :

This is a question I just asked myself not too long ago, so you are definitely not the only one wondering.

It isn’t easy. I’ll start with that. It's one thing to write fanfiction or hobby-work (and even that has the pressure of wanting people to like your work). But the pressure of a writing career only makes writing for yourself first harder, and seemingly impossible.

But the short answer to your question is simply this:

All successful professional writers do write for themselves first, because you can’t be successful if you don’t write and create for yourself first.

(And we are glad it works this way!)

Believe me—I have a decade of failure and rejection from trying to write for others first to prove it.

Why You Still Have to Write for Yourself First, Even for a Writing Career

10 years ago I decided that I wanted to write TV shows and publish novels for a living. An ambition I still have.

Prior to that decision, I used to write only for myself. I wrote stories since I was a little kid, and only cared about what I found interesting. And when I write fanfiction, I feel much more comfortable writing for myself first.

But for the past 10 years, I took writing classes and screenwriting workshops and spent that decade trying to learn how to write stuff people would want to watch and read, stuff that would get me hired (which, potato, po-tah-to, right?). What other people would be interested in reading was my only focus. I just wanted to be successful at this; I no longer even remembered that I chose this career because I love to write.

But despite the fact that not writing for yourself first is unenjoyable and ruins something you love to do...

It also is inevitably unsuccessful.

These past 10 years, I came up with concepts that I believed were interesting, based off of what I learned in classes, thinking things like “they did this in Breaking Bad and people love that so I should try it!” or “these two ideas are such opposites; it would be so interesting if I put them together!”

But the problem was that I wasn’t interested.

And that was the important piece of the puzzle I had been missing.

I was writing things I thought were cool or unique or trending. As I was writing, my only thought was of the person who would be reading it; what they would think. But even as I came up with those ideas… they never made it past the idea.

Because I was so uninterested, I didn’t even want to write them. But even when I forced myself to write them, they were cold and boring and uninteresting. And when I shared them with my teachers and friends, they said the same thing; it was impersonal, boring, unemotional. There was no heart and soul. One of my teachers asked me why I was writing that story, and I answered, "Because I think it can be good."

And then he kindly told me: “The stories you write should be ones you feel the need to tell, that you have this desire to write. Stories where you are the only person in the world who can tell that story, because of the way you tell it and the emotion it comes from. That is the connection we’ll feel when we read it.”

My teachers' philosophy, as successful professional writers in the business, is that writing strong compelling stories that other people will be interested in is only as strong as your own interest in what you are writing. (A concept I kept straying from, since I was so terrified and focused on other peoples’ impressions of my work.)

One of my writing teachers is Corey Mandell, who teaches this workshop called Creative Integration. In this workshop, they teach that the trifecta of writing is a harmony of these three things:

1. What other people are interested in

2. What the characters naturally would do in the given situation

3. What you, the writer, care about and find interesting

(here's a video of him talking about this stuff)

When you have all three components fulfilled, you are writing your BEST work, and your most SUCCESSFUL work.

If you are missing any of the three, your story will be lacking.

That includes, especially, your own interest in what you're writing.

And I would even argue that if you had to only pick one, the most important one is the 3rd---what you're interested in. Something filled with your emotion. Because I can think of so many stories that I felt the passion in, even if the plot wasn't all that great. I forgive and still read a story with a bad plot if the emotion is great. I don't often forgive an emotionless story just to see a cool plot.

Additionally, my teacher always tell us this in classes, and I remind myself of every single day now:

“Writing is an energy-transference business. What you felt when you wrote that story is what the reader will feel when they read it. If you felt nothing, they’ll feel nothing.”

Your interest in the story is directly related to your success. You need to feel something if you want other people to feel something.

And this, my friend, is exactly why you need to write for yourself first in order to be successful in a writing career.

Here's some proof of uber successful writers who wrote for themselves first:

If you go to any author or screenwriter or artist who wrote or made something you love, and you ask them, “What compelled you to write this?” You won’t get an answer of: “I thought it’d be cool and people would like it.” Or, “I thought it would sell and be successful.”

99% of the time, it was inspired by something personal to them; it was a story they had to tell.

Take the TV show Psych for example. Psych is a show about a guy who grew up with a detective father who groomed him to be a detective for his entire childhood. But his father sucked as a dad. Due to that bad relationship, instead of becoming a detective like he was trained to be, Shawn pretends to be a psychic to solve crimes rather than do what his father wanted him to do (become a proper detective). The show is a comedy of antics and hilarity, but the underlying story is that of a healing relationship between father and son.

Check out the actual inspiration behind Psych:

(x)

Is this show a biography? Not at all. Putting your soul into your work doesn’t mean it has to be your literal life. But Steve Franks put his pain into that show, his heart and his soul. It was a story no one else in the world could tell, because the main character of that show was a reflection of him. He didn’t just set out to write a detective show with a funny main character; he wrote a show about a broken relationship between father and son, and told it through a show about crime solving. That’s what makes it a show only he could write.

That’s why we watch Psych. Not for the crimes. For the emotion that Steve Franks poured into it.

How about the inspiration behind Breaking Bad?

Percy Jackson?

Game of Thrones? (A Song of Ice and Fire) (by author George R. R. Martin, quote from him below):

(x)

That last sentence is really amazing: "I realized I really want to tell that story."

That is what we should strive to say about all of our own stories.

Try this with any book or tv show or movie you love. You'll find a personal inspiration behind it to prove that those writers were successful writing a story that they felt personally compelled to write.

Here's my favorite quote on the subject that I keep over my desk:

How to Write for Yourself First

Writing for yourself first means that if you write something, and no one in the entire world could ever see, watch or read it, ever, you still feel that it was worth writing. It made you feel good to write. It was something you wanted and needed to write.

There's a quote from an episode of the TV show Leverage where a character tells another character (Eliot Spencer), "You fight like something is trying to get out of you." I think about that quote in terms of my own writing: let's write like something is trying to get out of us.

I spent the past 10 years telling myself, “I just want to write a story that works.” I never used to write that way before. I used to go, “Oooooh, what a cool idea! I want to see what will happen!” And just sit down and write. Or, I’d be angry or upset or afraid and I’d write out of that emotion, and something unique and wonderful would come out and I would be able to cope and pour all the emotions into it. I learned that I write and create to feel better. And realizing that changed everything for me. Because for me, if it doesn’t make me feel better, it isn’t writing.

Why did you used to write, before you decided on this career?

Why did you decide on this career?

What compels you to write? What would make you happy to write? What would make you smile? Laugh? Cry? Cope? Feel better? Deal with your anger? Live vicariously through a character in a fantasy world you’d rather live in? What do you want to write?

Sit down, open a new document or blank page, and ask yourself: if you were to show no one what you write right now, what would you write for yourself? For your own eyes? You aren’t allowed to share this with anyone else, so what would you like to write? It doesn’t have to be incredible, it doesn’t have to impress anyone. It can be silly or stupid or embarrassing or offensive or heartbreaking—anything. It’s just for you to enjoy the process of writing it. Are you upset about something? Are you angry? Think about a crush you have; write a scene of a fantasy date they take you on. Write about a character with superpowers you’d like to have, or someone going on an adventure you’d like to go on—anything your heart desires.

What would make you, and only you, happy to write about?

What would make you feel anything to write about?

If you want to be a writer professionally, I assume it’s because you enjoy writing enough to want it to be a career. Which means that at some point in your life, you were writing before you were thinking about money or other peoples’ feedback.

Try to think back to when you were writing as a kid. Why did you write? What compelled you to write? What did you want to feel or accomplish when you wrote? (I also used this uquiz to help rediscover why I write).

I may not be able to guarantee that people will love what you write (though if you’re interested, it’s highly likely other people will be too!)

But I can guarantee that if you are not interested, if your heart is not in it, then no one else will be interested in it, either.

I spent 10 full years trying to write in a way that would interest other people, putting my interest aside completely. And I have nothing but rejections to show for it.

Am I professional writer with oodles of success right now?

No.

But I can tell you one thing: after 10 years of writing for other people first and making myself miserable, I've learned that writing for others first doesn't work. I tried damn hard to make it work, and still failed. But the most important part?

I don’t even want to be successful that way.

I had to start fresh and start writing from a place of emotion, pain, love, need again. And finally there are stories emerging that I actually care about again. Because I realized that I would never be successful unless I do this. But more importantly…

I will never be happy as a writer (or a person) unless I do this.

Personally, I would much rather write something where my emotions bled onto the page and get it rejected than write a boring draft for others that makes a million dollars.

The bottom line is you can’t capture someone else’s heart with your story until your own heart is somewhere inside it, leading the way.

Yes, it is important to interest other people with your stories if you aim to be a successful professional writer.

But only after you write for yourself, first.

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bougieblkbimbo · 11 months

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nowadays it’s not worth sleeping with a man that’s not committed and invested in you. there’s no point of getting emotionally attached to someone who just uses you as an object. it hurts when you only went off of the idea of the person. plus you really have to vet someone before you sleep with them. especially nowadays because men don’t want to commit and have as many options possible it’s pointless to deal with them. we gotta be super picky. i’ve dealt with people out of low self esteem and feeling lonely and desperate and that’s all i saw my mom do growing up and i realized that can get you in trouble. nothing is wrong with being single. have things going for yourself, fix your traumas, get to know yourself.

as someone who’s been told my whole life my phenotype isn’t “preferred “ amongst men, constantly being rejected as a kid, as just people overall bullying me for my looks because i don’t fit European beauty standards, I acted out in desperate ways not even realizing i was used and none of those men really wanted me and never wanted to invest in me. the feeling of being chosen and picked doesn’t even upset me as much nowadays because i want a certain type of man and i’m going to be a certain type of woman. i’ve learned that self love is the best love and happiness can only come from you.

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fakescenariosonly · 11 months

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If she is drinking enough water, working out regularly, taking care of her skin, eating clean, getting good grades, submitting assignments on time, being there for her friends, smiling all day everyday - go, give her a hug. She is crumbling inside.

#academic validation #mental health #that girl #external validation #dont hug me im scared

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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 1 year

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Mantras about things being “valid” function as secular prayers. Things that actually are valid don’t need devotional recitations to conjure them into existence, or attempt to tether them from the mystical plane to the real world.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201706/what-s-emotional-reasoning-and-why-is-it-such-problem

... whenever someone concludes that their emotional reaction to something thereby defines its reality, they’re engaged in emotional reasoning. Any observed evidence is disregarded or dismissed in favor of the assumed “truth” of their feelings.

If “I feel god in my heart” is epistemically insufficient from a believer, why is “I feel it in my emotions” sufficient in non-religious matters?

If your feelings are always “valid” then why bother examining them or yourself?

Which is a feature, not a bug. It’s a strategy to delegate responsibility to other people. If your feelings are “valid,” then you’re right to feel that way, and how you feel and how you react is other people’s fault or their burden to manage. Other people need to make sure they don’t upset you. This is the tactic of an abuser: “look what you made me do to you.”

#Seerut Chawla #emotional reasoning #validation #subjective reality #abuser #abusive #mental health #mental health issues #infantilism #external validation #external locus #religion is a mental illness

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outstanding-quotes · 2 years

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You do it, not because you really have a bloated sense of yourself, but rather (1) because you don’t have a realistic sense of your capacity; or (2) because if you say ‘no,’ you are afraid that they will find you out. They will find out that you are incompetent. The quality of the job you do does not seem to influence your feelings about yourself. So you take on more and more and more and more. Until you finally burn out.

Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents

#Janet Geringer Woititz #adult children of alcoholics #psychology #quote #overachiever #external validation #imposter syndrome #childhood trauma #self esteem #low self esteem #burn out

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