I’m struggling to the surface, caught up in this clear water, it ripples placidly around my body, a shimmering dance in bright light, hiding the obscenity of this fight.
I scowl at myself, for letting my feelings sneak up again, betray me again, lie on my sleeve again; I should never have let the anvil of my heart pull me down again.
But it got filled heavy, to the brim with this old dead weight, a weight I fight like hell to shake, yet I’ve learned over time, the more I struggle, kick, scream the deeper it drags me in.
I’m a warrior, so I just allow myself now to float upward, the chained heart sinking below me, thinking to myself, this must secretly be a blessing, staring through the clear.
The water masking all my tears, I’m a warrior, you can’t see me cry, I’ve got Viking blood in me somewhere, if I were strong like my mother I’d kick these feelings ass.
I remind myself as I sink into the clear blue deep, at least my mind is at ease. I am facing now these feelings, acknowledging them as they drag me in.
Eventually I’ll catch up this chain, break it in two with inhuman strength, be free of the anvil of a heart that seems to be trying to fill up with you, I’ll let it drown.
I’m a warrior, I don’t need this heart, I stare at it analytically, I can study its corrosion, I can wait till the perfect moment, to tear it out, toss it away.
Use up my Viking strength, embrace the mother in me, the one that knows when it is time, to kick my own ass and turn away. I don’t need this heart.
It never has done much for me anyway, I think this as I stare through the clear deep, the faces of long dead lovers, ones who lost their fight, they stare back at me.
I promise myself, I’m not like them, I may be a lover but somewhere deep, I have this Viking blood, I’ll channel the fire of my mother, I’ll free myself from this deep, I’ll be a fighter.
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