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addieredgrave · 7 days

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My best friend got angry at me today.

She told me that I haven’t responded to her in the past few weeks.

I apologised, told her I would try better, and I will.

But how do I explain to her that I don’t think I’ve existed for the past month.

How do I tell her that time hasn’t occurred, cause if it did, what the fuck have I been doing?

How do I tell her that my hands haven’t stopped shaking for the past month?

How do I tell her that the thoughts are back? Or that I have these thoughts at all?

How do I tell her that I’m not sure I’ve slept in the last two weeks, stuck with shallow unconsciouses and vivid dreams.

I can’t, cause she’s normal and she thinks I am too. I don’t think she’d want to meet me, not really. She’s unbroken, she doesn’t know what it means not to feel whole. And I love her too much to burden her with anything ever.

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addieredgrave · 13 days

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They told me what to do.

What to think.

Told me how to act.

How to be.

There was no shaping, only cutting.

If they saw, what they did not like, they removed it.

Told me it was malignant, and who I was to argue? I didn’t remember what they were talking about.

There was no room for sadness or anger, maybe for theirs but never for mine.

If I cried I was dramatic, if I was angry I was selfish, if I didn’t ensure their feelings I was the matyr.

Loneliness became a melody, at first it screeched and scratched. But as it went on, it started to smooth. Until being alone, was all I craved. An unhealthy attraction.

Eyes burned with the audacity of their belated efforts.

A monster was made, and she cannot be undone.

She looks within the mirror, blue looks back. She wonders if that’s all that she owns.

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addieredgrave · 24 days

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“Whats wrong?” He asks.

As if that will mend the wound.

I float in the silence, questioning his intent.

I wonder if an answer is needed at all.

His eyes speak yes, but they are shallow.

I have two moves on the board.

The first is the truth, both scared of it.

The second is risky, to those who play with the unpredictable.

But I know my foe.

I begin the dance, he follows.

3 steps in, and his mind begins to wander.

5 steps in, and he stumbles

7 steps in, and he’s gone.

Anger and acceptance once more shoved into the chest, stored in the back of my mind.

#my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry #bpd mood #bpd safe #bpd fp #relationship #menswear

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addieredgrave · 1 month

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Are you happier now?

Duller.

Is that better?

It is easier.

But are you living?

I breathe for those I know, never for myself.

Is there anything I can do?

Make our hand, pour more.

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addieredgrave · 1 month

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I know I’m weird.

I just didn’t need you to say it.

I’ve known you since we were five.

And yet you take the opportunity to tell me 15 years later.

In front of your new friends, maybe your new cool friends.

A small part of me wants retribution, but I love you too much to ever hurt you on purpose.

But you use to laugh at my weirdness, you used to endorse my weirdness, you used to be weird too.

You’re my friend.

I don’t need you telling me I’m shit, when the whole world echoes it

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addieredgrave · 1 month

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Drunk out of conscience thought.

One eye closed, one eye open

Is this the life I want to live?

Searching for a meaning and finding it in an empty bottle?

I tell myself I’ll remember these days and see how far I’ve come.

But I’m starting to think, that there won’t ever be a day 1

Each night I disappoint my morning self

Resentment to the purchase

Resentment to myself

#bpd safe #bpd vent #actually bpd #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #bpd mood #bpd problems #bpd #bpd fp #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry

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addieredgrave · 1 month

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I want to be loved

I’m not sure that’s something you’re meant to want.

But I think it might be my fault.

Maybe I’m just too damaged.

Too everything.

And not enough.

I mean there’s only one common factor.

I think I may of used its absence, as an excuse.

But in its use, I just became more… well, became me.

I think that’s why I want to apologise so badly.

I used being unwanted to become unlovable

And unlovable to become hated.

I know they don’t think that, but it is what I feel.

I’m not proud of this person, I don’t want to be this person.

And yet, I’m stuck.

#bpd mood #bpd vent #actually bpd #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #bpd #bpd safe #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry

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addieredgrave · 2 months

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There’s some apology stuck on play within my mind. It echoes as soon as light filters through eyelashes, and it doesn’t end until the last moment of the day, when conscious thought ends. But even then. Even then my dreams are plagued. Events of guilt, apologising for moments that never actually happened. Yet maybe it’s the idea that I’m capable of such horrible acts. Maybe my dreams tell me what could… what should’ve happened if I was not so lucky.

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addieredgrave · 2 months

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How long would you hide under the bed?

How long would you wait for the monster to go?

How long would you harbour the unknown?

How long until you gave into fate?

Maybe that’s what separates us all.

The safe and the curious

#video games #what remains of edith finch #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry #bpd vent #bpd #bpd mood #actually bpd

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addieredgrave · 3 months

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Until my bones are returned to the ocean,

My skin transforms into moss,

My eyes become sea glass,

My veins once more turn to vines,

Until my heart flowers for the last time.

Your name will be etched on my soul.

#my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry #bpd feels #actually bpd

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addieredgrave · 3 months

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My brother and my father are fixing the sink. My brother is proving his knowledge, there is nothing I want more than my father to acknowledge it.

Is that love?

I would rather my mother call my sister and tell her how much she appreciates her and all the selfless acts she does, than ever tell me she loves me.

Is that love?

Why would I put all of them before me?

Is that love?

A sacrificial lamb?

Something to slaughter?

I want to say no, Yet with a gun to my head.

It would be the same. They matter more than I ever will.

#youngest #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry

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addieredgrave · 3 months

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I’m important, aren’t I?

You tell me, I am.

And yet where, and when?

In the hours, spent waiting?

In the tears that were shamed?

In my worth, left invalidated?

What love? What care?

I stay for what I believe that I’m owed.

Not for what I’ve been given.

#matildas #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry #mirrorball #amy march #lonliest #bpd vent #actually bpd #bpd feels #love #quotes

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addieredgrave · 4 months

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It turned into a game, something to occupy my thoughts. How much could I consume before death became apparent? How many bottles could I sneak into my room in other disguises? There was a rush, hidden behind some self hatred. In the morning I was anew, I told myself not to ever consume the hateful. But every hour that ticked by my wilfulness dripped away. Until I was alone, in my room, too scared and bored to question my life. And suddenly the cheap wine I had smuggled in my green jumper, seemed to be the only answer. The heat of the drink warmed me in the southern breeze, the edges of my mind went numb and my sight blurred slightly.

If this is my future, my life, why do I feel like the person most hurt at the end of the day, won’t be me?

#my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry #trendingnow #trending #alcohol #alcohlism #bpd thoughts #bpd feels #actually bpd #bpd

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addieredgrave · 4 months

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Some awful comment, some horrid joke. I look to the roof as if that would provide me comfort. As if that would give me hope. And yet, I’m still here. Looking at you, making a fool of yourself. Watching you flirt with someone else, that I know you wish was me. That I hope you wish was me. You hold my hand so intimately that I think I might die. And yet when you make jokes, you look to her first, yet the crook in your neck doesn’t point to her but rather me, waiting in anticipation to see what I notice first. Your humour, or your intent. I’ll leave rather quickly in the hope, to appear nonchalant. But know the second, my rusty 2000 car door is closed. I hate you, I hate her, and I hate me the most. I hate that you didn’t come after me, some weak apology in hand.

I hate that I know your flaws. And that nothing ends and nothing stops. How I wish it did. How I hope that I couldnt see past all your shortcomings. That I could see the thorns and all the hurt, and all he residue left on my soul. Yet all your faults are put on a pedestal, my acceptance a sign of devotion. And that yet I still, might unfortunately love you. Not for your worth but what you aren’t, which somehow is way worse.

#my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry #actually bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd feels #bpd

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addieredgrave · 4 months

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I got stuck in the cracks.

Related more to fillers and spaces than to people.

There was life to my left and to my right.

But I was stuck here, in the middle.

What age did I become a pause?

I was told I wasn’t, told that I had significance.

Yet a liar always knows the truth.

#mirror #mirrorball #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry #trending #trendingnow #little women #amy march

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addieredgrave · 4 months

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What is womanhood? Was it the colour pink, ribbons and being gentle? Was it the colour blue, soccer and being loud? Was it the attempt to be more boyish to be liked? Never was I’m more insulted than being called girly. Never did I feel more unimportant, weak and burdened than knowing that I was a girl. “Strong boys” and “capable men” drew within my mind, hoisting the curtains on my self pride. Is “tomboy” an excuse or validation, only time will tell. Maybe I still try to hide the fact that I am a woman not from pride but impulse.

#my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #fiction #poets on tumblr #notes #sad writing #love notes #love letters #lonely poetry #feminism #femme fatale #femme lesbian

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addieredgrave · 4 months

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She got older but not wiser. She had wrinkles but no memories. She had laugh lines but couldn’t remember the last time she was actually happy. She knew what she was better than, but not her worth.

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