painbutitspoetry

[painbutitspoetry]

My favorite thing about writing is that it's the one place it's not weird to be dark

#spilled ink #dark aesthetic #dark academia #aesthetic #writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #light academia #old soul #on writing #writers and poets #inspiration #inspo #childhood trauma #dark vibes #creative writing #author #late night thoughts #classic academia #loss #heartbreak #words #poem #poetry

[painbutitspoetry]

I hate

Being home alone

As much as I love it

Because while it may be

My only chance

To take a peek at the scale

And gauge my progress

The only time

When there is nobody

To glance at the amount

Left on my plate after dinner

It’s also the only time

I’m left alone

In the pantry

Surrounded by junk foods

I’ve forgotten the taste of

The smell of the chocolate

Constantly permeating the air

From where it sat on the shelf

All the way to the moment

It landed on my tongue

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Wait, that was two, right?

A can of Pringles

Half empty now

Brown sugar

Poured straight down my throat

Boxes of cookies

Disappearing

Anything

And everything

I can get my hands on

Congealing into

A rock in my stomach

Bringing tears to my eyes

As it decomposes inside

Spreading its effects

All around

Until the candies no longer taste

Quite so sweet

Sludge in my mouth

As I spit up what I have yet to swallow

And wish I was brave enough to

do the same to what I already had

I couldn’t quite bring myself to

Though I’ve imagined it

A dozen times

How would it feel? Sliding my fingers

Into my throat?

Would the gag

Bring relief

From this disgust

That crawls through me

Making me want to

Rip apart my own skin

Just to get it all out?

I stuffed the wrappers

Into the darkest depths

Of the trash can

Horrified someone might discover

What I had done

As if this display of instability

Was somehow a hundred times worse

Than the one I actively engaged in

Every single meal time

My first binge

#ed not ed sheeran #ed relapse #ed rant #tw ed descussion #bulim14 #bulimima #ana #anorexla #anor3c1a #anorexies #bingedisorder #purg1ng #twelve year old me was fat #and somehow thought this would fix it

[painbutitspoetry]

Bitches be sobbing about how traumatized they are one day and saying they're perfectly fine the next

It's me. I'm bitches.

#trauma #tw depressing thoughts #childhood trauma #abuse

[painbutitspoetry]

There's nothing quite like growing up with grief. Because that other second grader I hang out with on the playground doesn't want to hear about my dying mother. So I don't talk about it. So I lose all my friends when I'm 10 years old and skipped months of school to watch the last of her hair fall out and the flesh melt off her bones and suddenly I'm laying my hand on a cold body and my dad is trying to find a pulse with an apple watch but there is none. So I switch schools and no one even knows that I still pull out four plates for dinner and have to put one back and it's nice but also terrible because then how can they know me? Because then I have friends who are like oh my god I have such trust issues you have no idea but the thing is I do have an idea because the doctors said 2 years and I couldn't handle it but a few months later she was gone and I shattered so yeah I don't trust anything because the world is cruel. And my white relatives tell me to be happy she's with Jesus now knowing full well she never believed in Jesus and they truly think she's in Hell when all she wanted was to be a Stingray. And maybe your friends are annoyed by their parents putting time limits on their phone but guess what I spend every day worrying about my dad because he never cries and one day when I was 11 he looked at me and said the reason he never stops working, never lets himself relax or pause or process is because he spends every waking moment afraid to become Katniss's mother from the Hunger Games, so consumed by grief that she leaves her children to raise and fend for themselves, and my heart splinters because it's my fault my dad can't properly grieve. It's having a friend who was kinda-not-really bullied in 5th grade tell you she tries to be more than her trauma and the scream that builds inside you because that girl has no idea what it's like to spend every day trying to be more than the kid with the dead mom so instead you pretend like your mom never even existed. You pretend like you don't lie in bed every night trying desperately to remember what her laugh sounded like, what her arms felt like around you. Growing up with grief is wishing on every birthday candle that your mom is happy and safe wherever she is and having aunts buy you random clothes that are nothing like you because they pity you and think this will make up for the lack of mother figure. It's the whispers in my head that say no wonder I'm so coldhearted, it's hard to be motherly when you don't have one. It's the fact that she never knew I was a lesbian. It's this barrier, between you and all the other kids because they just don't get it, and you feel so wrong because I'm sorry this sold out lipgloss doesn't bother me but my mom is dead

#grief #childhood #old soul #poetry #sorry for the rant #middle school #childhood trauma #friendship #relatable #depressing shit #dead mom #mommy issues #maturity #girlblogging #dead mother #childhood grief #healing #self reflection #spilled ink

[painbutitspoetry]

I miss the days

When waking up

Meant the promise of a new day

Brimming with possibility

The opportunities ripe for the picking

Not a dreaded moment

When I leave behind

The world of dreams

Just as terrible

But at least a change in scenery

From the gray of awake

The constant exhaustion

The leaky tears

That refuse to become cleansing sobs

Half-hearted

Just like everything

I do these days

I’m sick

And tired

Of this

This living

That never seems

To end

This misery

That drags on

No end

In sight

This self hatred

I can’t seem to shed

No matter what I do

I want to sleep

For a thousand years

Just pass by

All the things ahead

The painful

And the fun

But most of all

The ordinary

#tw sui ideation #tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #poetry #sorry for being depressing

[painbutitspoetry]

Are you ever just

Listening to someone

Talking to you

And feeling yourself

Collapsing inside

Their words muffling

As your body suddenly feels

No longer your own

And the entire conversation

So utterly pointless

You want to scream

And flip the table

And finally speak your mind

Let it all out

In hopes

The demons won’t feel so big

Once you can actually

Look them all in the eye

And then suddenly find the strength

You know you don’t have

And slay them all with a scoff

Of indifference

And then sit back down

And apologize with a smile

Everything’s all right

Continue now

With the boring story

I’ve heard a hundred times befores

#autism #depression #poetry #spilled ink #actually autistic #autistic things #disassociation #im disassociating #panic attack

[painbutitspoetry]

There’s something peaceful

About the world 

beneath the water

Lying in a lukewarm bath

Face pressed against 

the surface

So aware of the water around you

You almost can’t feel it at all

As it floods your ears

And blocks out all sound

Forces your eyelids

to flutter shut

And shuts out the world 

with them

Your lungs finally stilling

Their constant movement

Basking in the moment

Until they begin 

to flare with pain

And the once kind liquid

surges up your nose

And you have no choice

But to re-emerge

From the sanctuary

And feel the crushing weight of

Fresh air

As it invades your lungs

And tricks them into thinking

This is what they want

Rather than

The beauty beneath the surface

That could finally fill them up

So you could let go

And forever stay

In this world that is yours

And yours alone

#tw depressing thoughts #tw sui ideation #poetry #water

[painbutitspoetry]

Not really sure

How to think anymore

So I lie on the floor

And wish I was more

Than a crumbling core

Fumbling for the door

To the me of before

#poetry #tw depressing thoughts #spilled ink

[painbutitspoetry]

But that’s all I am

Isn’t it?

The child who was loved

By a few

By Enough

And still wanted more

Who could never be happy

With the attention they got

Who had to fall apart

Just so they could force someone

To put them back together

Who didn’t quite understand

Just how far they would fall

When nobody cared enough 

to be that person

#poetry #depression #ed not ed sheeran #tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #childhood #spilled ink

[painbutitspoetry]

The self hatred when the one really traumatic thing in your life happened when you were a child and you somehow handled it perfectly but are now a ridiculous mess of disorders for no reason

#spilled ink #grief #i hate everything