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I lift up the potatoes sack on my head, "Corey?"

"Oh my god!" Corey laughed, his black hood pulled back. He put his arm around when of the guys holding me, "this is the guy who did two kegstands in one night, then took a final the next day. And he passed! I told you this story right Jerry? David? Cmon guys?"

I was thrilled. Maybe this meant I was off scot free.

"Sir omnipotent, please resume with the sacrificial ritual."

"Right, yes of course, sorry Jer," Corey said, and the guy, Jerry, coughed into his hand.

"Umm, I mean... you lowly peasant bitch. All you bitches, listen up, we have a ritual to get to. Sorry Josh. Rules are rules. It's be rude to pick someone else now."

Wait, wait-

You’re about to be sacrificed by a cult, but when the demon appears before you, it speaks with the voice of your high school friend and says “Hey man, haven’t seen you in forever!”

#writers #writers on tumblr #writing prompts #writeblr #writing inspiration #humor #lol #haha

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So like…

all my followers are just really attractive p o r n bots

and I’m kinda okay with it

#No #no #ugh #why #tgeyre #<— #my attempt at they’re #They’re cut tho #Ngl

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hands down this was and is my best post and it deserved more than two notes

Gonna wear a burger king crown to McDonalds to establish dominance

#Burger king #mcdonalds #burger king #crown #king #dominant #last ones kinda sus but #whatever #like i said #this was amazing #admit it

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omg the cheezbot

It’s back

I’m so happy

#cheezbot #followers #the cheezbot is following me again

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Call Me Petty

Story time.

My younger brother (he is 9 and ie; the spawn of Satan. His name is Blaze. Who tf names their kid blaze and expect it to not be deranged) had the AUDACITY to complain that I didn’t clean his water bottle well enough

Me to Child of the corn: Well if I’m so bad at it, clean it your self

Blaze of Fury: Do it or I’m telling mom

Me: Your empty threats don’t scare me you burrito headed bastard child

So I revolted

went on strike

I refused to clean his water bottle ever again

My mother (whom was made aware by the bastardized spawn) told me that if I didn’t clean out his, then I wasn’t allowed to clean out my own

Fine

Now, I could have just drunken out of the dirty water bottle (ok ew) but my mother thought she had me. I would not turn over that easily.

the next morning, I walked out of my house with a glass of water, that I refilled periodically throughout the day.

My mother had had enough after a week, and told me I could no longer bring glasses to school

fine

be that way

I then used plastic cups, for three days, before that plan was slain by the mighty beast that birthed me

I was no longer allowed to bring plastic cups to school

be that way

the next morning I left my house with a ziplock baggie filled with water. And a straw

But no.

that wasn’t good enough either.

I may have been one step ahead of her, but she would always shut down my fortress of greatness. Each idea smothered under the waking cry of her “no’s”

but you cannot expect to slay the monster you yourself created

On Wednesday morning, the 8th of February, I did something no mortal man could have survived. I had gone a week without a canteen to bring to my daily 8 hours of Alcatraz, just to make her think she had won. Surely that would mean I would give up. Surely washing a water bottle wasn’t worth dehydration.

But this was no longer about cleaning dirty dishes

this was about overcoming the obstacle of failure

she didn’t know what had hit her that morning, as I stood there by the front door, making eye contact before I departed

and I drank a refreshing sip of water from my bowl

#Story time #mother #brother #petty #im petty #water #h2o #power move #water bottle #i won #satan #children of the corn

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Remember in 2012 when we thought the world was gonna end?

Good times

#2012 #Apocalypse #end of the world #2023 #2022 #Good times #the good ending

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Ahhh, the holidays, is very different from Aaah, the holidays, and I feel both during this time of year

#Christmas #Thanksgiving #hanukkah #kwanzaa #holidays #festivities #festive #But not #happy holidays

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I sacrificed so much for that lightning McQueen tag because now I'm getting cars smut on my page

religious parents are wack like my brother can say the most horrible things and actually hit me and they'd be like "oh yeah its just boys being boys hahaha" but as soon as i have my own personality and stand up to them being an ass to me and my friends their like "your such a demon and a bad person such a stupid ugly disgusting kid how dare you say 'lmao' with your friends you deserve to rot."

and the fact that they hate me because when I was 6 years old I had a crush on LIGHTNING MCQUEEN I-

#wth #it's all my fault #I should've never delved into this wormhole #I read them too #It was funny the first time but #It's too much #I can't anymore

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If you could just...PayPal that to me it'd be great

I totally work here so don't worry

Do not come into my room without an appointment

#accountant #paypal #Me #Kind #Sir #/ #Ma'am #Slash #Nonbinary folk #Give me your money #respectfully tho

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Lesser known fact about me:

I have a twin brother

We do look alike, but not like identical due to the whole gender thing but, my English teacher apparently mixes us up ALL THE TIME

He calls my brother by my name all the time, although I've never had this problem in my class, so maybe he just can't with my brothers name

Anyways, I got called down to the deans office because I hadn't been coming to my after school detentions

My brother has been taking advantage of teachers and telling them my name is his name (don't know how, we both have untraditional names but mine definitely a girl name, not like Nicky or something he'd more reasonably get away with) getting himself in trouble, and enjoying the zero consquence life

Now I knew this, but they didn't and I'm a New Yorker and ain't no snitch so when they asked if they could mean my brother I said

"Of course not, he is an angel"

(Side note, his middle name is angel, my mother's really optimistic)

The school apologized to both of us, and we're off the hook

#Siblings #Twins #Brothers #School #Detention #Snitches end up in ditches #I got away with it #We would have both been burned alive with a hairspray lighter #Then our ashes be put in the pressure cooker as some sort of revenge stew #That we didn't even get to eat #I hate stew anyways

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Not to like, insult your writing but, I'm dying

I have asthma I cannot breathe

Thank you or maybe not I don't know

brat-taming them ~ (suggestive, nsfw, if you don’t like don’t read)

characters: lightning mcqueen, jackson storm, francesco bernouli

Summary: they’ve been starting to act disobedient with you, time to teach them a lesson

cw: brat taming, bondage, nsfw, humanized cars, degradation, mommy kink (only for francesco), overstimulation, just pure smut

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I WILL NEVER WRITE ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN THIS IS JUST SOMETHING I THOUGHT UP AT 3AM DONT ATTACK ME FOR THIS

also if you don’t like it don’t read, don’t hate on people, thank you

—

Lightning McQueen

You entered Doc Hudson’s old garage with a flourish. The dead man’s secret cave was filled with junk and newspapers, and three piston cups stowed away to the side. Everything was mostly the same.

Except for the fact that there was a racer laying down in the middle of the floor, tears running down his soft cheeks as a vibrator mercilessly thrusted into him. His hands and feet were tied together with pretty ribbons that sally gave you, all wrapped up in pretty bows. There was a gag in his mouth, blocking out any moans or screams that could come from him. You didn’t want anyone find your sweet little pet thrown on the cold hard floor, didn’t you?

It had been 3 hours since you tied him up and locked him in here. He damn well deserved it. The little piece of shit was having way too much fun, embarrassing you with desperate pleas, begging you to touch him. In front of his own fucking girlfriend no less.

“You learned your lesson now?” You ripped the gag out of his mouth, while he stuck out his tongue and let the saliva stretch out from the cloth. What a slut, you thought, looking down on his pretty face.

He quickly closed his mouth and nodded, looking up at you with his big doe eyes. “Use your words sweetie.” Lightning gulped, taking a moment until he uttered a single word. “Y-yes…”

He can still speak. It slightly surprised you, seeing how long he dealt with his punishment. It still wasn’t enough. “Will you disobey me again?” You asked, reaching towards the vibrator that dug deep into his hole. “N-no of course not! I’ll be good-!” You smirked and slowly removed the vibrator from inside him. He lightly gasped from the sensation. It was covered in his cum, so slimy yet it felt so good on your fingers. He must’ve came more than once.

“I might give you a reward for taking it so well, my pet,” you began, walking away and about to leave the garage. “For now just lay there all pretty and be a good boy for me.” You closed the door behind you, satisfied.

He learned his lesson.

—

Jackson Storm

The young racer was successful in his racing career, beating the highest speed record in the racing world. But everyone has their flaws, don’t they. He had a tendency to to get over confident, treating his colleagues and friends like shit, thinking that he was all that for breaking some dumb record. It was fine when it first started occurring. That was when his attitude geared towards you.

“Please y/n I-I,” he trembled. He was neatly tucked under you thigh, while he tried to escape from under you. You let him go, and he gasped for air. His face was red and runny with tears, opposite to that of his usual cold stoned expression.

You grabbed his face, forcing him to look up at your face, which was now filled with a sense of cockiness even he didn’t have. Even with his toned muscles and his tolerance to pain, you were still much stronger than him. “Will you try talking to me like that again?”

He quickly shook his head, his eyes glossy and his lips trembling. He was so adorable, that little bastard. He was on his knees, looking up at you with such a desperate glance that it made you want to use him right then and there. But it was too soon. He needed to prove that he was obedient.

“No matter how strong or carefree you act, no matter how many pointless races you win, you always remember this. You belong to me. If your a good boy, you’ll be rewarded. But if you pull of another stunt like what you did earlier, this will be the result.” He kept on nodding and humming in response, his mind was empty because of the pain.

His body lazily slumped forward, groaning because of the overstimulation. You looked down on him, a smirk growing in your face. Your little rookie wouldn’t try to fall out of line this time, or any time again.

—

Francesco Bernoulli

“P-please, Francesco won’t do it again please a-Aah-” He gripped onto the bedsheets as hard as possible, crying from the pain and pleasure he was experiencing. No matter how much his sweet little voice begged, you kept on pounding the huge dildo into him, almost sadistically.

“Please, mommy-” you stopped for just a moment, looking at him with a cocky grin on your face. “Oh so I’m your mommy now huh?” You thrusted the toy further into him, making the Italian racer sweat even more, with his sticky tongue out. “Then act like it you dumb slut.”

Francesco cried out, remembering how he tried shoving your loss in your face. What a big mistake. He didn’t remember what happened in between, but all he knew was that he was standing there all proud and cocky with his trophy in hand and then crying in pain from how much your ruined him.

“Please!” He rubbed his thighs together and closed his eyes shut, his cheeks becoming even redder. You then stopped. Permanently this time. "Maybe since you've taken this so well, I'll reward you."

You left the room and locked the door behind you, leaving him red and ruined.

#lightning #McQueen #Lightning McQueen #Cars smut #Dying #Fanfic #Shut

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Harry Potter don't fuck with paparazzi

#Greatest hits #Harry Potter #papparazzi

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I have joined the movement

Okay fuck it if this post reaches 666k notes by the end of 2023 I'll practise basic self care

Why 666k? Because it's funny and impossible so good fucking luck

#666 #Luck #2023 #Deadline

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listen

Bluetooth tampons

It connects to your phone, tells you how full it is with percentages, and alerts when it needs to be changed

#Periods #Tampons #Bluetooth #Bluetooth tampons #Good idea #Awesome

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This post is so gorb

WHAT IS GORB?

Gorb is both everything and nothing. Gorb can be used in place of whatever word you want. Gorb means whatever you want it to mean. Gorb is all and gorb is none.

- Bill

#distinguished #new words #Better words #Words #Just words #Gorb #gorbposting #gorb

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Guys I'm so pissed the cheezbot stopped following me

#Wtf #Thought we had a connection #cheezbot #I was only joking #When I asked why we needed you #I've found the truth #I need you #it's me #not you #you are the light of my life #You are my one true love #I need you to burn bright #I don't think I'll ever move on #Is that a song #it should be a thing #i need to get out more

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Just call 1-800-stopthebs

Are your teenage siblings getting more freedom than you ever had cos your parents have become less strict with time? You may be entitled to financial compensation.

#strict parents #lawyer #Someone call Veronica's future husband #financial compensation #teenagers