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tetsuskei · 4 months

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belonging - portgas d. ace [nsfw]

synopsis: it’s never the best time when it’s his birthday, but luckily he has you to show him differently

notes: two days late, but this is the bday fic dedicated to my soul, my luvr boy. poured so much into this that it kinda doesn’t make sense but we will roll with it <3 kicking off the year with him and wouldn’t have it any other way !

warnings: unprotected sex, creampie, self doubt, depression (ace has some dark thoughts), anxiety, praise, nipple biting and sucking, body worship, barely edited so probably lots of typos, reader has fem body parts

ace always assumed that ‘falling in love’ was something that happened to other people, not to him.

his entire life had been a series of doubts and questions to himself. doubts about if he deserved the good things that came to him and the people who entered his life.

but gone were the days where ace let out all his anger towards anyone and everyone in the world. if you could ask anyone about him now, they would have only amazing things to say about him. many see him as a brilliant leader, one not to be meddled with. his brothers admire his never ending strength and courage. his spirit was always there to uplift others.

so who would be there to lift him up?

only you have seen who he is once broken down. once he’s out of the public eye, and behind closed doors, he’s a much more sombre person. he’s clingy, and soft. sad, and vulnerable.

it’s not a surprise to you that he struggles with his mind sometimes. that there are days where he may spend too much time in his head, fighting off demons.

“what am i doing here?” he asked one time. it wasn’t a question directed towards you, and from the empty look in his dark brown eyes, you could tell he was having trouble answering himself.

having the blood of a devil circulating in his veins is a double edged sword. he always told himself to not let where he came from hold him back. that mentality had gotten him this far, after all. it became a driving point for him.

but after quickly rising up in ranks and making a name for himself just like so, his mindset started to change. he began to not really know what he was after. yes, he wants to be more famous than his father, but so what? what would come next?

he focused on a much simpler task. he wanted to live each day without regrets.

many considered ace like the sun. he shined so brightly on his own (literally and figuratively), but in a way, it was a curse. he shined so brightly that if anyone came too close to him, he would burn them. they’d scorch up in flames within an instant.

but you were different. despite how brightly he shone, you didn’t let that stop you. it scared him, to say the least. the only people who he was comfortable being vulnerable with in his feelings were his brothers, and yamato being another person. now you were the fourth.

you had picked and pried at him in a way no one ever had before. getting scorched (literally and figuratively) in the process. you showed him kindness and affection that he only saw in the pages of fairytales.

he knew very little about gentleness. but it didn’t mean it was impossible. the feeling of your finger tips running over his bare skin is enough to soothe him. it makes him feel like he is at home and belongs. and in return, he wanted to give you that same feeling.

he wanted to live, and always come back to you.

ace always seemed more tense around this time of year. a little more gruff, and on edge. but not in a way that makes him dangerous. or, at least to you. he just seemed a lot quieter, and more consumed in his thoughts.

his birthday, as it turned out, had always been a sore subject amongst the whitebeard pirates. no one ever pried too much into his past. even after he told you and several others of his father, of his mother, no one wanted to push him to speak more about it.

you don’t make the most grand gesture out of his birthday, only requesting help from thatch to make a grand spread of all his favorite foods, and small decorated cake.

“i’m not going to ask anything of you, but only for you to have a good time. no sulking, kay?” you told him that morning.

when finally getting time alone with your boyfriend that evening, you sat with him, holding him in your arms as the two of you watched the stars.

ace loved when you talked about the stars to him. you told him once that the constellations that sit in the sky are the same ones projected onto his face in the form of freckles. he thought it was the most ridiculous thing ever, until you said one thing.

“the stories written up in the stars are no different from the ones that live in your eyes.”

his eyes always told you what he was thinking. after all, you read him so well. you long since noticed the troubled look on his face, but remained impassive as you know he’ll come to you when he’s ready to talk. for right now, having you as his support is the best thing you could give him.

eventually, he told you that he ‘just wanted to forget about things’ and while you understood what he meant without a full explanation, you wanted to make it known how thankful you are that he’s here. that he was born. that he’s a gifted presence in your life—and so many other people’s.

one thing led to another—shared kisses and words of declarations as you shedded each others clothes off.

right now ace lays under you, a complete mess as you ride his cock. his hat was on your head at first, but now it lays somewhere on the ground.

“ahh~ fuck!” a pretty gasp leaves his rose colored lips, his eyes glazed over with tears. his adrenaline has his blood pumping like crazy, and his cock is of course no expectation to that rule. he’s twitching erratically inside of you, more than likely leaking heavily as he holds back his orgasm. his chest feels tight from how much your cunt is gripping him. it’s like you’re sucking the life out of him.

funnily enough, he’s already cum once, but his stamina, is unlimited. he’d be able to go for hours on end. that doesn’t deter you from your goal of completely fucking him stupid.

ace thinks you look beautiful above him the way that you do. like an angel that descended from the heavens. he doesn’t think he believes in any gods, but he knows surely you were sent by some celestial being to be the best gift he’s ever had in his life.

“you’re doing so good for me, ace.” you hum, leaning over his muscular form to kiss the shell of his ear. he keens when your lips then meet the sensitive juncture of his jaw and neck. your tongue swipes up any access sweat and you hum, cheekily biting him. “taste so good, too.”

his whole body is boiling to the touch, to say the least. black, greasy hair matted to his forehead. his brown eyes are blown out in pleasure, and he thinks he’s dying.

it shouldn’t be possible that he feels this good.

“don’t say that.” he grumbles shyly, hiding his face behind his hand. you pin it down to the bed, eyes glaring down at him.

“it’s true, though.” you argue, “and you feel so good too. always fill me up so well.” you moan, letting your head fall back as you grind down on him, pleasure crawling up your spine as his cock rides up against your cervix, kissing your gummy walls lovely.

“if you keep talkin’ like that i’m gonna cum again…” he warns, whining slightly.

you grin, “that’s the plan.”

ace groans, letting his head fall back on the pillows, “jesus christ, woman, you’re going to be the death of me.”

you laugh, “i would say death do us part, but i’d like to think we’d follow each other into the afterlife. i feel like that’s the true meaning of a soulmate.”

ace can’t help the tears that permeate at his ducts when he feels overwhelmed with love by you and for you.

“well, i hope that if we’re reborn, we find each other in the next life.” he says breathlessly.

you hum, smiling, “of course we will.”

he’s silent before his hands guide your hips, helping you bounce on him. there’s a deafening squelching sound from the combined slick and it drives both of you crazy.

“you’re so pretty, ace.” you say, kissing the freckles on his face.

he frowns, glaring at you, “the correct term is handsome or sexy. men aren’t ‘posed to be ‘cute’.” there’s a pout on his face and it only adds on to your statement.

you laugh, “sure, baby. whatever you want.”

“‘whatever’ my ass,” he says crudely, “why don’t you make yourself useful and cum on me?” he isn’t asking though, and brings his thumb to your clit.

a sharp breath of air escapes you as you realize how much your impending orgasm is creeping up on you.

“wait…” you start, hand reaching out to stop his own.

he swats its away. “you said to make sure i’m having a good time, and this is helping.” he smirks, “no ‘sulking’, remember?”

you don’t have time to answer when your boyfriend leans over you, taking one of your breasts in his mouth to suck.

a loud moan escapes you once a euphoric pleasure washes over you. you quickly seize up before you realize your cumming hard on him.

ace grunts, closing his eyes once he feels you milking him. you’re a walking sin, and the grievance between your legs would be his downfall.

he hooks his hands under your legs before flipping you over to lay you on your back.

“a-ace…” you stutter, looking up in shock at how much his energy has suddenly changed.

“my pretty girl.” he smiles, kissing your nose, cheeks, and finally your lips. “just relax.”

his hips began to steadily rock into you as he takes over the pace, his hefty balls slapping loudly against your ass.

still sensitive, you twitch and jerk under his grasp, feeling helpless and near limp as he rails you.

“nothing ‘cute’ about the way i’m fuckin’ you, now is there?” he grins, hand titling your jaw to the side before proceeding to suck marks into your delicate skin.

a keen slips from your mouth and you try to catch your breath, “o-okay, you proved a point.”

“damn straight.” he moves both of his hands downwards, holding onto your thighs before moving your legs over his shoulders.

the new angle feels as if the wind is knocked out of you. with the way he’s looking at you adoringly, and damn near shattering your pelvis you might as well be conflicted on if he loves or loathes you.

“always feel so fucking good. wish i could stay in you forever.” he moans, biting his lip. “so perfect like this. i’m so lucky.”

you gasp, your toes curling at the way his tip drags itself seamless over your insides. your eyes threaten to roll back but you fight it, seeing how ethereal your boyfriend looks when he’s feral.

he’s never been the best with words, but with the way he takes care of you, especially in the moment you share right now, you can feel the essence of his love. the way his hand reaches grips yours to kiss your knuckles.

“thank you…for always loving me.” he pants, “and for showing me things in life i never thought i’d be able to see.”

“thought i told you to stop thanking me.” you hit him on the head. you pull on his hair but he only groans, cock twitching.

ace pulls back from your neck, “i’m serious, i…i’ve never been this happy before.”

you only smile at him before grabbing his face with both of your hands, kissing him long and passionately.

he ruts into you, chasing his release. his vision is nearly spotting with how sensitive his nerves are, but his body has a mind of its own as it craves endless pleasure.

“s-shit! i’m gonna cum!”

shamelessly, you lock your legs around him, pulling him in closer wordlessly.

he laughs, sweat trickling down his brow, “ah~ you want it again, yeah? can’t get enough of my cum, can you?”

“always need to be filled by you, ace.” you moan, nails clawing helplessly at his back.

you lean forward before your teeth gently sink into a pert nipple, making him shout and swear as his orgasm is triggered.

and as he spills into you again for the second time that evening, you find yourself following him in suspension of death.

ace lays his weight on you, not crushing you, but knowing him and his narcolepsy, he just damn near will in a second.

you use all your strength to turn both of you over, and he grunts. if it was wet before between the two of you, it’s soaking now as his cum trickles down your legs.

“you’re wastin’ it…” he grumbles, holding your hips tight.

“not my fault you’re a human cum geyser.” you retort. “now let me get up.”

he pouts, “just…stay like this for awhile?”

“fine, but you’re cleaning me up.” you warn. “happy birthday, you animal.”

a sleepy grin appears on his face as he kisses the top of your head. “yeah, i love you too.”

and so maybe after all, he could learn a lot more about what life has to offer, especially if that means you’d be by his side. there’s nothing he truly wouldn’t fear anymore. not in life or in death.

#ace x reader #portgas d ace #portgas ace x reader #portgas d ace x reader #portgas d. ace x reader #ace smut #one piece smut #op smut #op x reader #one piece x reader #portgas d. ace #portgas ace smut #portgas ace x you

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hollyhomburg · 10 months

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Before I Leave You (Pt. 56)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: In the wake of Namjoon’s rut you and Hobi try to get yourself back on even footing, if only his co workers weren’t so...creepy towards you.

Tags: Depression, anxiety, ptsd, hurt/comfort, fluff, excessive babying, courting, omegaspace, mommy kink, Mommy! Tae, nipple play, m/c sucks on tae’s tits for mental health reasons, Non-detailed sexual content, mentioned omegaspace sex, discussions of past abuse, discussions of mental health issues, eating disorder recovery, implied self-harm

W/c: 9.7k

A/N: LISTEN, i know the nipple play stuff might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it reads very comforting if you’re willing to give it a chance. That being said it may go further into the realm of mommy kink than some of you are willing to go and toes the line into extreme kink as it highly sexualizes Tae’s brests and the m/c in omegaspace. It's not really nursing per say cuz there isn’t any milk involved, but the m/c does suck on tae’s breasts to soothe herself.

I tried to make it as ‘skippable’ as possible it’s under the section ‘Tae, sometime at night’ I firmly encourage you to skip it if you feel the need too.

Previous Chapter - Masterlist

(16 days post rut. The day after Halloween, Yoongi)

Yoongi lets out an inhuman screech.

He’s holding his sweater in his hands, nude from the waist up interrupted by his changing. Staring at you open-mouthed while Jungkook rolls in the remnants of your nest. Remnants- because you honestly hadn't put it together much after Namjoon's rut.

You’ve been spending the last few weeks slowly bringing everything upstairs, alternating between sleeping spots, not a single one of them still feels right. The pack had kept their mattress in the living room, but yours they'd moved back. Last night you spent your first night upstairs with Jimin, Jungkook, and Tae. Four pups all cute and nesty with the rest of the Halloween candy between the three of you in multicolored bowls.

Yoongi had gotten to watch as you all giggled and completely abused the projector he’d installed for a movie night of the Addams family and some horror movie that you'd changed in the first 15 minutes.

There are more and more moments where he gets to appreciate his hard work these days and he savors them whenever he can. He’d been a little worried that the bed would be too big or too small but it looks just the right size. Just enough space for the others.

After you’d fallen asleep, he’d carefully tiptoed around you and removed the bowls of candy, kissing each of your heads like a special spell to guard your dreams against monsters and cousin it.

Now Jungkook grins up from the last little bit of the nest that’s still down here, hugging a pillow to his chest, “I knew something happened.” It’s not often Yoongi squeaks, like a cat suddenly picked up, heart all in a tizzy just thinking about it.

“What do you mean you and Hobi kissed? And you didn’t tell me!?”

You go red ear to ear, “It wasn’t-I don’t even think he meant to do it- it wasn’t like a kiss kiss-“

“Ahh,” Jungkook drags out the syllable. Reaching for your hand and tugging you to sit. Closer, because Jungkook’s wandering fingers have half a mind of their own. You look so good- have been honestly glowing a bit since Namjoon’s rut, something about the health of you that makes him want to touch more and more.

His fingers dig into the meat of your thighs appreciatively and you squirm away, “Heat of-the-moment kisses are so hot- not to mention first kisses.”

Yoongi sits on the edge of the bed. Knees pulled together. “Tell me everything.”

Yoongi has always been terribly involved in your dating life in the beginning you'd gushed to him about every new kiss. The ones with Jk, a memory now as he drags his mouth up your waist, resting his cheek against the curve of your hips and smiling up at you. The one with Tae in that dressing room, your first soft moments with Jin and Namjoon. Everything. The fact that he hadn't heard about this one immediately after the fact stings only a little,

The rest is clouded over with excitement.

Hobi had initiated kisses. He’d been the one to break first.

Yoongi remembers how their relationship began with coyly phrased jabs said over dusty records not long after he'd broken up with his last pack and moved in. When they’d gone from best friends to sort of roommates and started spending almost every minute together.

Yoongi liked Hoseok. Just liked him. Liked seeing him smile. Heart skipping beats and saving them for him. Spending hours standing just far enough apart with some sleazy jazz playing over the loudspeakers and Hobi’s lips all mischievous. Their first kiss hanging there, on the edge, just where Yoongi could see it but not have it just yet. Teasing him endlessly.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were flirting with me Hoseok,"

"You'll know when I'm flirting hyung."

Hobi had turned off the jazz and turned on Yoongi’s favorite music instead and Yoongi had been substantially wooed just by that.

Hobi had been shy with the rest of the pack. Freer with Yoongi he said, because he always knew where he stood with him. Not like with the other alphas where Hobi had to worry about showing his throat or not- or Jungkook and Jin- where he had to worry if he has too dominant or not dominant enough. Their firsts had felt truly new, untied of expectations. Just loving. None of the other stuff.

Sometimes, Hobi still feels this way.

Now Yoongi watches you and knows how it feels, the way your eyelashes flutter as you look down and away, flopping back against the nest scent going sweet with the memory of it. "I bet it was so hot-" Koo chimes kicking his feet when he rolls onto his tummy and continues to pinch at your thighs, hand sliding up gradually under your baggy pajama shorts. Tickling the hairs there.

"Hobi’s such a good kisser too-“ The omega swoons and your belly swoops at the sound.

Yoongi licks his lips, trying not to think of it.

"It wasn't hot, it wasn't anything-" But the blush on your cheeks tells a different story. You groan, hiding your face in your hands. "I shouldn't have said anything." Yoongi gently pries your hands away from your face. His heart is racing a mile a minute like it's his first kiss and not yours.

"Even if it was something, I’d still be happy sweetheart.”

You bite your cheek; I just want to know if he regrets it. “I can’t ask him about it or I’ll make it weird.” You whine.

Jungkook’s fingers press into your chin, he looks awfully devilish, hair damp from a shower, his classes for the day passed. “You’ve been thinking about it a lot. That’s why you’ve been so quiet.”

You flush, but not for the reason he thinks.

The truth is you’ve been spending a lot more time on your own these days, painting the back-room space and finding excuses to head upstairs when everyone’s home, or downstairs when everyone goes up. There’s no reason. You tell yourself there’s no reason but-

Sometimes it’s hard, being sad without a cause. A gnawing emptiness like there's no point in enjoying anything anyways when sooner or later the rug will be yanked out from underneath you. A sense of a foreshortened future. An end that is simultaneously ridiculous to consider and yet nearby like a shadow in the corner of your eye that isn't there- not really.

Maybe it would be easier if you and Yoongi weren’t mated yet, and you’d have had that to look forward to. You’ve been thinking about mating marks a lot recently. Spending long hours looking at yours in the mirror, fingers hovering over the glass when you pull back blocking out parts of it with your fingertips. The parts that Geumjae left that you’ll never be able to quite get rid of.

You asked Jin about his and Namjoon’s the other day- but the omega had only sighed and told you not to worry about it.

You eagerly snap up the excuse handed to you now. It's better having them assume than explaining the real reason to them. For the most part, they believe you. Like there isn’t that taught line of something running through you like the very essence of you wants to snap. A discomfort at being happy.

A feeling like maybe, you don't deserve it.

If there is anything you deserve it’s certainly not Hobi’s smile when he comes home and asks you if you’ll help him move a few more plants in from outside. “You’ve got a good eye” he tells you. “I swear without you and Tae this place would look like a bachelor pad”

Hobi hasn’t been avoiding you since the rut but maybe it would be easier if he was.

He’s no less likely to ask you for late-night car rides, no less likely to bump shoulders with you playfully over dishes or offer you his headphone when he found you dozing two nights ago on the outdoor furniture. Your big blue blanket wrapped tight around your shoulders to keep out the fall chill.

He’d even accepted you when you held back the edge for him to get under. The warmth from his body trapped by it and transferred to yours as you talked. Mostly about Hobi’s job; his plans to leave early and help manage a specialty order from the city; nearly three thousand burgundy roses for a fall wedding.

“How do you even fit that many into a car?”

“Very, very carefully”

Last night as the pack had handed out Halloween candy, He’d been giggly and close. Eager to pick your favorite candy out of the bowl of bulk-bought candy bars and set them aside for you. He’d even given you a pair of little devil ears, similar to the halo on Tae’s head, a vision in a light pink dress that she’d been just itching to wear. The only one truly dressed up, the only one with the energy to go all out.

The fabric was soft and silky with cutouts for her body, which had you looping your hands around her waist at every available opportunity and maybe kissing places hidden when you’d helped her undress later, hands sneaking underneath the fabric just to touch.

No one had time to plan their outfits or decorate the house because of Namjoon’s rut. You improvised with eyeliner lined and drawn whiskers on Yoongi’s cheeks, grumbling half-heartedly as Tae dotted his nose with bright pink blush and attached a pair of cat ears to his head.

The one person who hadn’t escaped Hobi’s costumes was Noddle, hissy in his little black and yellow bee costume, you’d given him tuna as a special treat. The neighborhood kids had ooohd and ahhed at him in the window, grumpily guarding your house from any intruders.

It’s funny, noodle only hisses at the people dressed up as other cats.

Independent from your musings, your packmates hover on the edge of the bed. “who says you can’t ask him? Just talk to him-“ Yoongi tries to convince you.

"We can ask him for you!" Both of them pop up, their eyes all wide, matching black heads all fuzzy, your mate bobs his head, the picture of polite eagerness.

"Oh fuck no- You'll do no such thing-"

“Come on, let us play matchmaker with you."

A loud ring interrupts your conversation, coming from deep within the confines of your nest. It’s Yoongi's phone- discarded. Jungkook grins as he answers for him, smirking all the while.

"Hyung! We were just talking about you- No it's fine, Joonie forgot his lunch too-" Jungkook playfully shoves away Yoongi’s hand reaching for his phone. He pauses as Hobi says something on the other line.

Jungkook’s grin is nothing if not scheming.

"Yoongi's busy right now," he licks his lips, eyes on you. Yoongi is certainly not busy, the only thing he had planned for today was bringing Namjoon his lunch, another stop is hardly too much.

"But Y/n's free, I’ll have her drop it off. Bye, hyung. Love you too hyung."

~-~

Hobi is drawn to the front room of the flower shop because it’s his break time, someone forgot the last box of roses out back, and also because one of his coworkers is shouting again.

It's a semi-normal occurrence by any standard of measurement, but still, the sound of his shrill voice shouting in protest is just as grating as the feeling of dirt under Hobi’s fingernails.

They're sensitive and pricked too, he's spent the better part of the morning prepping the red roses, bundles, and bundles of them. The last one

He pauses, ignoring the commotion for as long as he can to take a sip of water, The cold drips down his throat, soothing the heat there. It might be cold at night but the lot out back is still unforgiving in the autumn sunlight, the occasional breeze telling stories of knit blankets and cozy sweatpants that Hobi will need within the month. He can’t wait for it to get colder.

The flower shop is structured in layers. The breakroom with the cubbies, a dilapidated old fridge, and a small table directly off the lot. A narrow hallway connects it first to the stock room and then to the counter and the retail space out front. The commotion comes from the stock room. The sound of a box falling over with a loud clang and then the softer sound of people arguing in hushed tones.

Three of his coworkers- two of which are the same ones who don't like him- shove each other to get through the door. One holding around the other middle.

"No, I've got this one-" Hobi stoops to pick up a roll of orange-red ribbon, half unrolled on the dusty floor.

"Come on- I took the granny for you this morning you owe me-"

"You're an omega, Felix."

"So? Like being a horndog is a uniquely alpha affliction?"

"Too late!" The third one darts through the door. Unencumbered by the other's scuffle. Tossing a kiss over his shoulder at the other two. Their frustrated groans resounding a hissed whisper. "Chan! You've already got an omega you don't need two-”

At his appearance, both of his coworkers straighten up. "What’s all the fuss about?" he asks with a tired sigh. Not that he really wants to make conversation with them about what client they're thirsting over this week. Hobi has never joined in with them, their near-running commentary on who comes into the shop.

“A pretty client.” It's nothing new, but what is new is the way that Hyunjin rolls his eyes and scoffs.

"Pretty is not a word reserved for the hottest omega I’ve seen this year- she looks like Kate Moss and Zendaya had a love child with an angel-" he swoons, Hobi sighs and pushes through them to put the ribbon back on its holder. They probably knocked it off in their scuffle, his two coworkers practically fall through the door after him.

Hobi blinks.

It's just you, standing in the doorway looking at the hanging epiphytes and other little suncatchers that hand in the flower shop windows. You’re wearing one of Tae's big sweaters that fall to your upper thigh and a pair of semi-translucent leggings. When your hands go up to touch a suncatcher Hobi can tell you’re wearing shorts underneath, but the implication that you might be not is still there. There’s A little bit of flour on your front from whatever you were baking today.

The first thing he notices is a band-aid on your finger.

His sleazy coworker lays it on thick, leaning over your shoulder, grinning from ear to ear. You don’t seem to realize that he’s snuck up on you. Hobi watches as you flinch and step back, clutching a small pink package to your chest. Turning around quick.

Hobi swallows back a growl. Instincts grating.

"Can I help you find anything beautiful?” he drawls, casting you a dazzling grin that Hobi's sure has gotten him many first date.

"I was just-" Hobi drops a bouquet of roses into a nearby bucket with a loud thud. Your eyes shoot up, and Hobi sees the visceral way your shoulders relax, the way you instantly brighten.

"Hey! I got your lunch."

Hobi's coworkers splutter. Gazes darting between you and Hobi like they can’t make sense of it. “What?!" One of them hits him on the shoulder playfully like they're friends and Hobi's jaw ticks. "Yeah, Hobi what the fuck-"

Hobi's fingers are still on the roses as he looks at you, he doesn't tear his eyes away for a second, "She's my newest packmate," they've got a good sense to be embarrassed to try and recoup the situation.

“Oh- we didn't think Hobi could have such pretty packmates."

Oh, you don't like that one bit.

Your switch flips, Hobi sees you make the conscious decision to turn on the part of yourself that can be very charming, that makes his alpha ask ‘how high?’ if you even think about asking him to jump. You're very good at playing this game, encouraging their instincts out in just a few words.

You step closer looping your arm through Hobi's (He swears he won't be thinking about it later, how you push your body up against his just so, the faint warmth of your chest surrounding his upper arm, your fingers weakly tangling through his) You tilt your mating mark into the light so that they see it. tucking your hair behind your ear like you’re shy. your sleeve falls down, leaving your scent gland open to the bear air.

"You've obviously never met Jin then.” You pout up at him in mock distress, making it as cute as possible. “but- I would have thought he'd have told you all about me what with the car I gave him."

Hobi doesn’t believe your sudden sniffle for a second even though his face heats. And renewed incredulity hits their faces, near devastation that their written-off coworker has a packmate like this.

You blink back faux tears, “Did you not like it?” there is nothing cuter than a pretty pouty omega near crying because they think they've disappointed their alpha. Nothing that tugs on their instincts quite like this.

The men blink dumbly. This creature- is surely representative of another life, one that they hadn’t imagined for their coworker. Surely when they called Hobi a sugar baby, this isn’t what they had in mind.

"He talks about it so much!"

"I swear everyone slows down when they see it which is why the boss lets him park it out front."

"It's a really pretty car like really pretty," Felix says, eyes definitely not on your face but oh well.

Hobi grasps his little lunchbox hard, wrapped up in one of Tae's pink patterned silk scarves. Too intimidated to respond. You have them wrapped around your fingers in just a few words.

"Show me the flowers?" you offer, clearly done conversing with them, Hobi takes the easy out without a look in his coworkers’ direction.

The slick of the refrigerator doors slides close, blocking out the three of them clearly peering in. Your closeness is disguised by the condensation on the glass. Let them think something more of the way you stand close.

The mask falls in a second and where one moment you’d looked forcefully cute, the next, you just look tired.

"You're a menace."

You huff, wrapping your arms around your waist. "Only when I need to be"

"You didn't have to do that." He says because he doesn't know exactly what to say. How to express that he’s thankful without making it weird. Now that you've stepped away from the others there’s something vaguely wilted about you, something still. He’s noticed the last few days, since Namjoon’s rut if he’s being honest.

The truth is, nothing's been normal after Namjoon's rut.

The first day after Namjoon’s rut you’d avoided each other's company like the plague, fielding Namjoon’s numerous apologies and in general clingy behavior. But after a day or two you'd reached an unspoken agreement to just forget everything that had happened just like Jimin and Tae.

(That's a lie. Jimin and Tae have slept on opposite sides of every bed they've slept in in the last week.)

Hobi’s not sure why he thinks that there's something wrong, why he finds himself watching you and waiting. Measuring your plate at dinner for maybe the first time in weeks. Watching you when you cook, just…. keeping an eye on you in a way he might not have before.

Is it just him, or have you seemed less interested in cuddling and nesting as usual? There's something in you that just wants to get the nest in the upstairs over and done with and back to normal. Hobi had watched while he'd helped bring the countless blankets up there, every one of your movements rehearsed and perfunctory.

And yesterday, he’d walked into your room (your old room he should call it) And found you and Yoongi deep in conversation, sitting on the edge of your bed. And when Hobi had asked Yoongi had just said, “We’re gonna keep the nest in here for a few more days.” You'd ended up turning your bed around and tucking it into the wall by your dresser, making room for Tae's makeup desk.

At first, He thought that maybe he’d hurt you with his leaving. That you took it as an ultimate rejection of not only your friendship but your presence in the pack. But it seems like you’re as determined as he is to keep things as they were before. To act as though your relationship is just as it was. Just this. packmates that bring each other lunch and give each other cars and definitely step closer to make Hobi's nosey coworkers a little jealous.

Strange. All of it feels strange like deja vu. There’s a familiar stillness that he hasn’t seen in you in months really, not since late spring. Since before you started talking again only this time he's seeing the process in reverse.

You tap the lunch box with your fingertips, a faint flush coming to your cheeks, “Yoongi made it for you, not me.”

“Does it matter?” you flush harder, skin heating under his raised eyebrow,

“Yes.”

Hobi thinks your hands might be shaking a little bit when you gesture to the shelves piled high with flowers and buckets. "Which ones are your favorite anyway?" you ask, classic misdirection.

A few weeks ago Hobi had convinced his boss to order the flowers by color and not type to make arranging and picking out designs easier. Granted, Hobi is her most talented employee and the one she trusts most to handle their big-budget items like weddings and funerals so it was a relatively short argument.

This refrigerator is a mess of cream pinks, whites, and yellows. The big dinner plate-sized sunflowers hovering around your knees, and the dusty roses at the ceiling.

He points at the simple daisies, is it just his imagination, or do you make your giggle just a little bit louder, leaning into his arm. Hobi swears one of his coworkers is going to burst a blood vessel with how hard he's trying to contain his screech of indignation. You just grin and roll your eyes.

“Are you trying to make my life easier or harder?” He can’t stop his smile though, no matter how much he wants to.

“A bit of both probably.” You lean in close, the way an omega would to an alpha they were flirting with. Let them wonder what we’re saying, let them wonder what I mean by this. Your fingers dance over a nearby bucket, skimming the velvet soft blooms, “I would have pinned you for a Lily type of guy."

Hobi fingers one of the long stems, playing with it too. "Nah, these are Jungkook’s favorite, not mine." Hobi's shy when it comes to you, but still, he musters up the courage to take a spare bloom of daisy and tuck it behind your ear.

"As a thank you, for my lunch. Jungkook shouldn’t have made you come all the way here."

You shrug, "It’s no big deal. I- ugh- i put a few chocolates in there, the coconut ones." You might have noticed Hobi grabbing some last night, and he gravitated toward those in the big bowl of Halloween candy. Seeking out the little blue packages.

"I like those," he says, but you already know that.

There’s a loud crash, and when you look back Hobi’s coworkers have knocked one of the dysplays over in their quest for a better vantage point. they scramble to put it back together and look busy like they weren’t watching you.

Chan gives him a thumbs up and Hobi scoffs.

“I’m sorry for them.” He says, “They’re kind of always like this,” his jaw ticks. Some alphas have no manners.

You shrug, “It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before. Are those the same ones that say shit about you behind your back?”

“Yes.”

You hesitate for a moment, standing toe to toe with him. “We should give them something else to talk about then.” Hobi’s hands are hard on the lunch box.

You step closer. Your worn boots brushing his sneakers as you lean up on your tippy toes. The scent mark looks more intimate that it is as you lightly drag your cheek down Hobi's neck. You know how to make it look sensual.

His caramel scent and your baked one together smell like flan or maybe something vaguely that belongs in the family of a Snickers bar, sparking hot and heady. Filling the refrigerator with it and the smell of flowers. He catches your waist, alarmed but not entirely displeased.

It has the desired effect.

Hobi sees the other alphas, the way their egos deflate. Tail tucked between their legs. Immediately looking dejected. Hobi barely has time to process your hand threading through the hair at the back of his neck, the way you sway closer before you're darting away.

He catches you just before you pass back through the refrigerator doors (you should know better than to run from an alpha, there's hardly anything more exciting than the prospect of a chase). A real giggle fills the small space making the other 3 perk up. Hobi can’t stop himself from smiling even if he feels a little dizzy.

He catches your hand, tugging you a little bit back. “Hang out with me? Later?”

The stillness in you eases just a little, and your smile is twice as bright as the sunflowers. “Sure.”

He lets your hand go even though he doesn't want to, even though you could eat together. He imagines it; sitting in his car, Yoongi’s parked out front, you in his passenger seat having a few of those chocolates. But you have no reason to stay and keep him company through his lunch break.’

Hobi is too shy to ask.

Before you pass through the door you pause, looking at the suncatchers that hang by the windows again. Reaching out a finger to touch one so that rainbows swirl through the room. The sun's light misdirected to spill and swirl in a dizzying display of color. The door clangs closed with a faint jingle.

He sets his hand over the back of his hot neck. Heart thundering, something in his instincts relaxes by having you out the door and away from his other...competitors. They instantly descend on him, badgering him with countless questions.

“I didn’t know you could pull like that hyung," "How did you even meet?" does she have a sister?" "Does she have a favorite type of nesting supplies?”

Hobi shoots that last one a glare. "I think she's got everything she needs in that department." he says tightly.

He’d have thought your mating mark would be enough of a deterrent. The fact that it isn’t makes him even more annoyed if that's possible. They don’t get a single answer out of him- just the freezer door closed and locked in their faces. He sits there to eat his lunch, glaring at them through the foggy doors.

When he opens his lunchbox, he sees that you've shoved 7 chocolates into a space that should only logically fit 5. Rows of sliced meat and a dollop of sauce over rice in the shape of a heart. A sandwich just the way he likes it, cut-up fruit too, probably a whole pint of Strawberries cut into little hearts.

(The other alphas don't stand a chance.)

~-~

(Tae, Some time later)

Autumn brings with it lazy nights and the need for more blankets. You often find yourself curled up on the couch in Tae's room. Alternating between watching the autumn rain drip from the eves, going on tic-tock, napping, and watching Tae work at her desk. Sometimes on work nights, she's got her hair set into little pin curls, or a face mask on.

It's kind of silly that you can spend just hours watching her but you are that in love.

Her typing is gentle, a companion to the pitter-patter of the rain and the tv in the other room. Someone talking, someone showering, the faint thump thump thump of your heart, noodle meowing to be let in from outside, homey domestic and Awfully lonely.

It’s silly, you shouldn’t feel alone with Tae right there.

You stir sometimes, stretching your feet out and yawning. Cheek resting on the pillow. "I can shut the light if you want" Tae says, recognizing the feeling like she's being watched. She doesn’t turn because she knows it's you.

"No, I'm not tired" but the slow rising of your chest says something different. You've let the blanket slip off of you a little bit, folding your body onto her small couch fitting just barely. She rolls herself over to you to fix it and tuck it around your feet. Then goes back to writing.

"You've been typing one thing for a long time now”

Tae hums, agreeing. Pausing for a second and going back to delete one sentence and replacing it with another before her cursor moves on stepping in time with the clack of her fingers. She's gone with a shorter manicure this time to make typing easier, smooth little almonds that flash like fish scales. Pretty and pearlescent.

“You were writing the same thing yesterday and the day before that too. Is it a story?" you ask. Tae likes how you always ask that first, is it a story or a poem, by stanza or by prose. Which part of your soul are you working on today? is it more comfort or a bit of hurt?

Her fingers hesitate, "it is." She admits. “I’ve got like, maybe 30,000 words of it written already but yeah, it’s a story.”

“You don't write stories often."

she tips her head in agreement. "What could I add to the world you know? there are so many good books out there," she sighs heavily, "But-" she trails off, eyes full of faraway faces and a love that maybe feels a little bit like yours and Hobi’s. She always was better at catharizing her emotions about their relationships by comparing them to others. Namjoon and Jin are all Claire and Jamie. Yoongi and Hobi Westley and Buttercup.

But You and Hobi are something different. Maybe she took hobi's advice and found another outlet for her feelings about you two rather than get involved. then again, the main male character is actually a lot more like jungkook sometimes when he speaks.

Bits and pieces of Tae’s loves and muses are all over the story, but the main character? She’s all you.

"What's different about this one?" You ask, hair spilling over your shoulders in an uninterrupted tangle that has Tae itching for a brush. You'd tried her pin curls out a few nights ago but had complained about the pinching so Tae quiets the part of herself that wants to use you as her own mini dress-up doll.

"Usually my emotions are brief, but" she presses her palm to her chest, "I have all this pain here. All of this pain and all of these thoughts and I don't think I know what to do with it besides write it down." You pull yourself up and closer to her, phone slipping out of your lap and sliding onto the carpeted floor. But Tae’s smile is already comforting even if it is a little sad.

She wheels herself over again and presses her lips to yours, your needy fingers almost instantly find her waist, the way you grab at her when you want to cuddle. Tae knows your body language so well.

"It’s not something you can make better darling," she says, and she means it, the way she looks at you means she means it. "But I think- I think giving it to other people might make it better, a little."

You lean your cheek into her palm, sleepily sighing. "What’s it about?"

Tae launches into the beginning, and the rest is history. She talks about her own story the same way that she talks about the books she reads. Fast and excited, like it's right there in front of her eyes on a movie screen.

“It starts with a library- only it’s not like a normal library. This library is kind of magic-”

~-~

(Namjoon, 7 days after rut)

In the wake of Namjoon's rut, all of the alphas have been feeling their instincts a little more keenly; this has expressed itself in only one behavior one that you didn't think you'd see the return of after it had sort of calmed down at the beginning of your relationship.

You don’t know how to feel about the fresh return of the courting presents.

But with the nest upstairs, you suppose that you don't mind the veritable collection of new nesting pillows, blankets, and specially made Egyptian cotton sheets for your Alaskan king-sized mattress- courtesy of Jimin. In a variety of colors of course; black for his preference, and pink for Tae’s.

Namjoon doesn't like being one-upped by anyone. Although his gift takes several more days to arrive and set up. (Yoongi stayed up the night before with Namjoon to help set it up because Namjoon is notoriously bad about any sort of home improvement let alone when there's an Allen wrench and six pages of instructions involved)

You giggle as Namjoon's fingers tamp over your eyes. He almost steps on the back of your heels with how close you're walking. "Here, there's a wall" You reach out and help him lead you so that the surprise isn't spoiled. Bright shafts of light slip through his fingers.

"Joonie-"

"Here, step down- there you go pup. Here-"

Namjoon takes his hands from your eyes and resists the urge to bounce up and down, your wide blinks, your suddenly sweet scent all of it, soothing to the cloying discomfort of instincts not expressed in his chest. Lips parted into a cute little oh.

You're in the backroom, the last coat of paint was finished yesterday and the pack has gone to work putting it together with the new velvet green couch and many of Hobi's plants. But what you don't expect is the item just left of the door.

The nesting couch, or more correctly nesting pod has high walls that peak at the top somewhat like an onion. The interior of it is upholstered with smooth non-irritating fabric and a thick cushion at the base and up part of the walls. a soft little bowl almost like a human-sized dog bed (a pup bed).

A small dark soft space, perfect for nesting. With a little curtain that you can zip closed, that should enswathe you entirely in darkness. The interior of it is Piled high with a new duvet and more than a dozen new pillows (all freshly scented) like a bowl of colorful candies. Some of them are vaguely stuffed animal shaped and a few actually are stuffed animals.

You blink down at the croissant and the cake, the disembodied blueberry.

“Jungkook might have helped me pick them out, he went a little over the top.” Namjoon rubs at the back of his neck. “It’s rut or a” he coughs, “first knotting present, I guess. As a thank you and an I’m sorry for biting you present.” Namjoon shifts back and forth, feeling vaguely nauseous but in a love-sick sort of way. “Do you like it?”

Nesting nooks are expensive gifts, this one alone must have been several thousand dollars. Although Namjoon's anxiety ticks higher as you continue to not say anything. Staring at it and blinking like you can’t believe it’s there. “I thought you could maybe, use a bit of space because of the upstairs, I know you’re used to nesting on your own.” Yoongi had told him about your need to keep your downstairs nest still set up. You know the second the sentence slips past his lips that they've talked about it, that Namjoon’s worried.

It's nothing personal you just, you feel like you might need a little spot, like Tae does for her library room, a little spot that's just yours. A spot for you to be quiet

And Namjoon's just given you it.

Your mouth twists and Namjoon tilts your jaw up to his so that he can duck in close and nose along your hairline. "Hey I didn't mean-"

You take the nearest cushion and crush it to your chest, this one the shape of a graham cracker. "I love it." Your gaze darts away, heart in your throat. "Can I? Try it out?"

Namjoon steps aside hastily, watching as you ease inside it. Pulling yourself into the dark cavern. it’s soft and comfy. protected in a way that has you instantly feeling hazy. Quiet and mostly scentless, the noises from outside Dampened, the feeling of everything butter soft beneath your fingers.

It's so safe here.

You start to knead a pillow, softly, the way that noodle might. Flopping over onto your side. Back against the cushion wall. Rolling a little in it. And a slow purring slowly fills the room, soft and first, and then stronger. You rub your scent across the border, making it smell like yours.

Namjoon drops to his knees and watches you. when he sticks out his hand you nuzzle into it, cheeks pink, scent omegaspace sweet. you chirp happily and he smiles down at you.

“There you go pup.”

~-~

(Tae, sometime at night)

(Content warning)

Namjoon isn’t the only one who's gotten you courting gifts recently.

Tae presents yours to you with pink cheeks, the small rectangle pretty when you unwrap it, green warn fabric, and embroidery on the cover.

It’s a copy of Alice and Wonderland, delicately illustrated with watercolor splotches of characters on every other page. It smells like vanilla the way that Jimin smells like vanilla, the musk of it soft and smooth.

The next time you get small and pupish Tae reads to you, her soft voice lulling you into a softer, smaller headspace. So fuzzy that you can’t feel your toes, mind dumbly repeating ‘mommy, mommy mommy’ with little else on your mind.

Page after page of pictures that your wide eyes follow without so much as a word, small whines when Tae pauses to see if you’ve fallen asleep yet tell her everything she needs to know about if it had been a good decision or not. the right gift.

Tae is the only alpha in the pack that can give you this, who can trigger omegaspace in you with as little as a raised eyebrow.

She has a fantastic reading voice. She and makes the voices of the white rabbit and the mad hare just funny enough to have you huffing soft giggly purrs.

It's not the last book she gets you. Far from it, over the next few weeks, you quickly fall into a routine: after dinner, she’ll find you in the nesting nook, in your room, or in the bathroom washing up. And she’ll pull you in the direction of the library room and produce another wrapped volume. Some of them illustrated and some not.

You’ll curl up together on the couch, one ear pressed to her heartbeat, another that inches to hear her words and a soft croons. Her hair tickling your forehead where it lingers, just around her shoulders. Grown out now and faster since she started to use a fancy hair serum.

There are other, slightly more scandalous times, when you squirm at certain parts, unable to find a properly soothed position. When you turn to nuzzle into her shoulder. Nosing along her collarbones and searching for something that makes Tae’s chest tight in all the best ways. Bright eyes glassy, too shy to ask for what you wanted.

What you needed.

The first time you’d face planted into her chest into her barely there but steadily growing tits. She’d laughed, the skin there new feeling and vaguely sensitive. Little white stretch marks shine like a silver lining over the hem of her lace top.

“You looking for something pup?” she’d teased, she wasn’t necessarily surprised after all, you hadn’t been looking at the book for a few minutes, watching her soft inhale and exhale. The faint imprint of her nipples under the shirt.

“Can- can I” you’d stuttered, words too hard for you to string together, looking down at Tae’s chest, fingers bunching up the fabric of her dove-colored night dress.

Being in omegaspace is easier than being totally up these days. Tae knows you need this, without saying why, something is going on in your head that seems too big for it, something that makes you listless and quiet when no one’s around. There’s a reason- there has to be.

her hand cups your cheek and directs your gaze to her face and not her chest, and you blush, having been caught looking. “Good pups use their words, honey, even if they’re feeling small and needy.”

You struggle when you pull back, sorting through your pupils brain is a difficult task when preoccupied with Tae, mommy, want, pretty, mommy alpha smells so nice, looks so safe.

“Can I- can I put my mouth on Mommy?” heat laces down her chest, a fire like none other that has her body growing warm everywhere you touch, the smooth line of your inner thigh pressed to hers, your stomach as you inhale to whine. You squirm away from the embarrassment of asking for something so taboo.

Her hand grips your waist, and you know you aren’t going anywhere.

“Take what you need pup.”

Her spaghetti straps are down around her shoulders before you can blink, dress rucked down to her rib cage. Her chest has swelled so prettily from the hormones her nipples little puffy peaks. She’s maybe a b cup at best but your mouth waters, a whine slipping from your lips without you trying to summon it.

Tae guides you to them with her hand threaded through the hair on the back of your head. Fingers rubbing soothingly against your scalp and oh

With Tae so close, you can smell all of her. It’s so natural when your mouth guides into a suck, Hot and gentle where she’s sensitive. Your nose nudges against her skin taking deep lungfuls of her scent, greedy in the way that you curl around her body. Your brain is truly quiet for the first time in months. Resting your head in the crook of her elbow.

Tae sighs and stretches out while you settle. It’s not exactly not sexual but intimate, the attention at her chest isn’t something that makes arousal stir in her stomach, not when it's like this. Sucking softly, never too hard, with the same pressure that you might mouth at a soft blackberry, lips teasing but only just teasing.

She picks back up the book and keeps reading, ignoring the way her breath hitches with every harder suck.

There is something about tucking your face close, hands tangling in her dress, that feels like the most natural expression of your dynamic. The way she pets over your shoulders and reads to you while you set down your heavy worries. Clinging to her until your fingers go slack and your sucking slows. Lips parting to let out soft sleepy breaths across her sensitive skin and Tae knows you’ve fallen asleep.

Tae is the only alpha who can give you this.

After the first time, all bets are off.

Tae often finds you tugging at her top at dinner time, fingers curious and needy on her ribcage, unwilling to touch where you need to under the gaze of so many other.

Bending under the need, the haze of omegaspace tugging at you, begging for the couch and her in the green room. It’s especially bad if she wears anything low-cut. You’re squirmy in her lap during movie nights, a little breathless any time she hugs you (she might be a little mean and tug you up so that you're face to face with the object of your desire)

You're more than a little nervous around the rest of the pack.

But she agrees this is a secret. A habit that should be just yours. Tae never would have said there would be anything too intimate to share with them after coming out but maybe this is.

One time and one time only does Jimin accidentally walk in on you,

Namjoon is close behind, she isn’t sure what their reasons are. Luckily your head is blocked by a blanket and Tae only has to hiss a “get out” for them to turn tail and run. Thankfully, they hadn’t prodded that much about it later.

It’s not always so innocent, sometimes Tae’s thigh presses up between your own guiding you into a slow grind or her fingers wander, gently parting your thighs and pressing up and under your sleep shorts. fingers curiously exoloring between your thighs insistent to taste your pleasure in the air and hear your needy moans.

But every time you stop sucking, she stops touching. leaves her fingers just there tugging on your clit or just around them. Caught between a rock and a hard place, as you keep going, looking up at her, hips jerking against her fingers. Your sucking near frantic as you cum and Tae's wicked smile and mean laugh above you as you gush and drip around her fingers. rubbing gently over your clit at the same rhythm which you suck.

Worse are the times that she says, “Mommy’s turn” with a smile on her face. Switching your positions entirely. Holding your wrists so that you can’t try and cover yourself as she licks and sucks with abandon. Rubbing your frustrated tears away with her thumbs as she sucks at your nipples until they’re bitten and sensitive. So sensitive that you feel them every time they rub against your shirt, constantly distracting you and reminding you of her touch.

There is something about you needy and squirmy in omegaspace, dripping messy all over her nightdress, upset and tearful at being teased for so long that makes Tae’s alpha purr, makes her almost addicted. Those moments usually end with her cumming over your tummy and you grinding one out against her face or her thigh and once, her tits.

She’s cum on yours before, had you hold up her skirt like a good girl, standing there with your nipples wet from her mouth to let her jack off all over you. listening to you babble about how pretty her cock looks, how beautiful she is, it never takes her long.

The walk of shame to the bathroom had drawn the stares of quite a few of your packmates, Jimin had nearly walked into a wall as Tae led you upstairs for a shower.

It's intoxicating being needed, being the bearer of your needy whines and these delicate moments. When one nipple gets too sensitive and Tae transfers you to another, cheeks pink, lips wet and kissable, tasting like Tae's skin when she leans down. fussy, unwilling to be parted from her for even a second.

Tae looks and feels her most beautiful with her chest sucked pink, nipples glossy from your mouth when you inevitably fall asleep like that. And Tae has to pull up her dress and call for one of the alphas to help carry you to the nest like you weren't just doing something so salacious

When you’re alone, and your fingers instantly gravitate towards the buttons on her blouse, needy whines mean only one thing as you struggle to unfasten the buttons. Fingers clumsy from your wanting.

"My sweet little pup, so cute and needy for mommy that you can't even wait for a second, what am I going to do with you?"

~-~

(Hobi, the same day as before)

Not many people use the beach this late in the season. The businesses on the boardwalk are half-boarded up now that the tourist rush is over and half of the lights are empty and vacant of their usual neon splendor.

But maybe if Yoongi were here, he’d say that this is the way that you and Hobi flirt. With jabs back and forth like crashing waves. Jests of Are you tired yet? and not at all as you run and giggle, splashing through the dark waves. Happy and zoomy in the way that dogs get when you give them wide open spaces to run. Until the late hour drags your bones down and exhaustion makes you giggly and innocent. The way you and Hobi maybe never get to be when you’re not alone with each other.

But you can trust him, with your sensitive parts and your darkness too.

The beach is quiet at night, the hem of your pajama pants soaked 3 inches up from the cold water. Your shoes sit discarded in the sand and the cold salt air tickles your forehead and your bare toes. A pair of headphones between the two of you tangle in the sand like a string of fate. You bob your head to Hobi’s most recent favorite song and shiver.

Hobi notices and starts to shuck off his jacket, thick sweatshirt balmy underneath. You make a noise in protest but he doesn’t listen. His next words a mess in the middle of so much base, “I’ve got more meat on my bones than you do.”

You take his headphone out of your ear. “You sure?”

“Yeah,”

You ease into the warmth like it’s what you’ve been waiting for, and Hobi pulls himself closer to you to block the wind. You know you'll smell like him tomorrow morning, that the others will hover and breathe deep, appreciating your combined scents.

The moon is bright tonight, casting everything in shimmery pools of silver. You can see him in near-perfect blue-grey detail. It’s what drew you out tonight, the promise of an extra high tide and the glittering splendor of the ocean on a full moon. The drag of waves has the same tempo as Hobi’s soul, the tide higher than usual.

You fold the sleeves over your hands in the semi-darkness and it strikes him as oddly fragile, the way you curl in on yourself. One second happy and zoomy, and the next almost conservative. Like you think you won’t have enough joy for later. Your happiness reseeding like a tide.

Hobi turns his knees to the side. "You've been acting different since the rut." Was it me? Was I the one who made you look a little smaller, a little sadder than you were yesterday? You deflate at his words and Hobi struggles. “Not weird! It’s not bad I’m just-” worried- so fucking worried.

“Was it the alphas today?” he trails off, unsure of what he's asking.

You turn towards him, shoulders resting against the sand. All rocks made small, and time and energy that's made boulders movable. The sand curves to the shape of your body. Your cradle and your grave.

"No- your coworkers were fine just-" You shrivel your nose at the stars, maybe fate is taking notes. "Alphas, you know?"

"Hey, I’m an alpha too." He pushes at your shoulder playfully, trying to make the mood lighter so that you’re more likely to tell him what's really wrong. There’s sand in your hair when you turn away hiding your small smile like the sliver of a crescent moon. He feels like he should have anticipated that and brought a blanket or at least a towel for you to lie on, if not to make you warmer than to at least make sure you didn’t get sand in your hair.

"Yeah, but you're one of the good ones."

He settles back against the sand, faintly warm from the sunshine still. At odds with the cold wind that whips at the two of you. “I’m okay, you don’t have to worry about me, I’m just-“ your face twists with melancholy. “Tired.”

Tired. Hobi had found you dozing in the nesting nook tonight. Why had you slept there and not upstairs? You could have waited for him in either place- so why did you choose the one that made you alone? Why deny yourself the comfort at your fingertips?

Hobi swallows, “do you want to head back?”

Your eyelashes flutter whisper soft against your cheek, your voice thick like you might be about to cry. But you can tell Hobi these things, the restless half-exhaustion of not knowing when it will get easier, the exhaustion of having to try so hard for so long and still feel like you haven't gotten anywhere.

“I don’t think it’s the kind of tired that sleep can fix Hobi.”

Hobi blinks back the tightening in his chest like someone has stretched a rubber band around his lungs, pulling himself up so that you’ve got to look at him and see the sincerity in his face.

"You don't have to be okay you know. You don't have to, it would be okay if you weren't. We'd make it okay."

You swallow and it takes you a long time to answer, long enough that Hobi gets a little worried. You pick up the sand and let it fall through your hand. Dry, movable, changing. When the words come, they’re like a flood.

"It didn't fix me.”

You look like you don’t want to admit it, but the truth is so hard to contend with sometimes when expectations are proven false.

“The rut- being with Namjoon- Proving I could handle it. It didn't fix what was broken with me. I think I wanted it to like- make me feel whole, make me feel normal. It's what an omega in my position should be doing. Helping their alpha. Being good.”

Your breath hitches, and you know that there are so many many ways to be good. Being good for Geumjae meant starving yourself and staying quiet. You thought that maybe being good for Namjoon would be easier, that taking care of yourself would become easy because he wanted that for you.

But maybe it's not the alphas you're with that are the problem.

You liked the rut, you would swear on your mating mark that nothing happened during it that you didn't consent to and fully anticipate. So why do you still feel so fragile? Like you should be apologetic for it, like somehow- you didn't live up to their expectations.

He rolls back onto his ass letting you sit away from him because distance feels like what you might need.

"Good, I didn't want you to choose that."

As much as Hobi and the others are loathed to admit it, regardless of the bite mark now yellowing against your thigh, you being there actually did help during Namjoon's rut. Usually, at least one of them is left looking gaunt and in need of a few days’ rest. Jungkook didn’t even have a seizure this time. And to everyone's surprise, the pack had gone mostly back to normal sort of instantly.

Everyone had been able to walk just fine the following evening, they'd take it slow, but maybe they hadn't needed to. Hobi would have never called them unbalanced before but it's clear now how much their pack benefits from having a third omega.

But none of that would matter if you decided that you'd taken that step too quickly.

Your hand tangles with his, tangles with the sand. His fingers are strong and birdlike in yours, warm and rough.

He waits for a few long breaths "Was it bad that I said that?" Double checking, because you're both allowed to double-check when you need to. Both you and Hobi struggle to trust your internal narrative because you know how easy it is to twist it.

You take turns like this often, being vulnerable, being the one to break apart. Your laugh is something jagged, tearing up bits of yourself that you don’t want to keep, don’t want to hold onto, you swear.

How is it so easy to be hurt and yet so difficult to let the things that hurt you go?

"Yes," your laugh is sadder than he likes, you tuck your face back into the crook of his shoulder. “No. It’s fair. I think I’m just overwhelmed a little, I just wish I knew how to hope like you do. Every time I’m sad it feels like it’s like it’s the saddest I’ve ever been. Like there’s no coming back from it. It's exhausting always trying to be hopeful. How do you do it?"

Hobi likes thinking about it like that; hoping as a learned skill and not as an affliction. He gets cynical every time he gets sad and You know this best. He wonders when exactly you became the person he goes to with all of his contradictions. He doesn't know when he became this person for you either but he likes it.

He likes it.

He pulls himself a little bit closer to you. Nudging your shoulder with his and leaning. Rubbing quick up and down your calves to warm you up. The flannel of your pajama bottoms are rough against his fingers, he thinks they might be Yoongi's.

"I don't know, guess just I have to hope the healing adds up one day. When I'm not sad I don't know what else to do but hope."

You sit like that in silence for a good long while, the headphones buzzing on the sand between the two of you, quietly watching the ocean.

“I think you might be my best friend.” You admit quietly. Hobi’s smile makes the moon shine just a little brighter.

“I think you might be my best friend too.”

You sit like that, your body pressed up against his for a long time watching the ocean. Long enough that Hobi thinks you both might turn into statues, turned to marble pearly ness underneath the moons light, like it's trying to keep you here in this moment for as long as possible.

Hobi thinks you might have fallen asleep but then You stiffen and freeze. It's not him you're looking at when he turns. Your eyes have lost their glassiness, squinting into the ocean at something in the distance. Bobbing too close to be a buoy and too hard-shaped to be a patch of seaweed.

"Hobi, I think there's something out there in the water."

~-~

Please Like, Comment, and Reblog <3 every word helps motivate me to write the next chapter!

Series Masterlist ~ Donate ~ Twitter

Come tell me what you liked about this chapter!

~-~

Extra’s: Tae’s angel halloween dress + the nesting nook

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penguin--rat · 6 months

Text

cardiomyocytes and connective tissue @nopanamaman

I’ve wanted to do a fic like this for some time now, a ‘thank you’ letter to PAFL and its community of sorts. I’m happy I finally got around to writing it:)

I wasn’t sure whether I should do this or not, but, hey! It might make someone feel a bit better!! Or, reading the fic will. That’s enough reason, I think, and you don’t have to read this, of course, no matter who you are.

First of all, I want to talk about PAFL a bit.

The first PAFL song I listened to was PiP. I saw its thumbnail when listening to some other music youtube, and so, I listened to it. Oh boy am I glad I did:) I remember thinking how cool it is that someone's making songs for their OCs and that people are interested in them. I could see so much love for the characters in it. I was so happy when I discovered there were more songs like that!! This was around when Comfort Zone had first come out, a week or two after at most. That was two years ago. I’ve been obsessed ever since.

I love PAFL. I genuinely love that songs haven’t been coming out much lately. Like, there’s media that comes out weekly and sucks shit. I’m glad Ferry is taking their time with this!!! Even if all we get each year is one song, that’s cool, because the community is wonderful and we also get doodles and art and now patreon stuff.. yippee yay… !!! And even if we didn’t. who the fuck caressss!!!!! I love coming up with AUs and OCs and theorizing with my friends!!! the time between songs gives us time to do all that:)

The characters are so charming. Every member of the cast has been a fave of mine at some point or another. They’re all so, real! I love them! I love how they fuck up and I love how they get fucked over and I love how they get exploded and killed and shot and hugged and saved and helped!!! They’re human… might not make sense, but i rlly do like them…

It’s so neat looking back at older songs and seeing how stuff’s changed. The art style, the music, it’s all so nice to look back on. Even if I wasn’t there for it.

And don’t even get me started on the worldbuilding.. Everyone say thank you to Boris Strugackij and Arkadij Strugackij for making roadside picnic and inspiring Ferry to make this… so lovely and neat. wonderful. I have not read it myself, but I might, just to be able to make my own pafl OCs more swagger..

So. This fic.

I can’t mention two years ago without at least mentioning my depression.

I can’t remember most of last year, speaking truthfully. Parts of 2021 are also fuzzy. Depression and anxiety are terrible, would not recommend. This feels cheesy to say, but it does get better!!! Slowly, unsteadily, it gets better!!! I don’t mean for this part of the post to be a ‘feel bad for me’ thing at all. Do not. I am safe and healthy now and I couldn’t be happier to be here right now.

Is life good now?? Sorta, but what matters to me right now is, I’m happy!!! It feels so surreal. I never thought I’d be like this. A part of me wants to be angry, to get depressed again about how I could have been happy all this time. But I won’t!!! Because then I’d spiral and forget another year, and, I don’t want that!

Which is so cool!!! I can like, fucking, do stuff now!! I can throw away the bad thoughts, embrace the good ones, encourage myself!!! I do things!!! I go outside and goddd dude that’s so good!! I go outside!!!

I’m doing stuff! I’m drawing, writing, cleaning my room, taking care of myself!!! If I didn’t stay alive to enjoy these small joys, what am I even here for??

And I’m alive!!! I’m here!!! I made it, I’m here, writing this on 10th november, 2023, and I’m ALIVE!!!! How cool is that???

And yea, the world is shitty, it sucks ass, but, my friends don’t!!!:3 and that’s more than enough for me… SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS!!! I LOVE YOU DUDES!!!

Moving on:

It doesn’t feel right to say that I’m here now only to PAFL. But, what I can say is that it’s been a wonderful crutch for me!! It’s been something to focus on, something silly, but also something I can relate to, and something that inspires me to make my own stuff! I’d most likely still be here, were it not for these silly songs.. but, not sure I’d be as alive as I am now! Unsure if my heart would feel right in my chest! And I wouldn’t have met my amazing friends!!!! Everyone here is so nice.

Dima may be a bit OOC in this fic, and that's because! This fic is based on my own experiences, which, i don’t think is bad…

I could talk here forever about how it gets better. Butttt to be quite honest I don’t wanna lol. I just wanna say, Thank you! to Parties are for Losers, for being cool.

(Though I also wanna say, don’t put Ferry on a pedestal, they’re human, we all make mistakes, all that stuff.)

Ok time to go back to my manly Sergei ways and never talk about emotions ever again. or as anya would say: FUCK IT WE BALL!!!!!

#pafl #parties are for losers #fanart #fanfic #DOUBLE COMBO #anyway. love you guys #mwah!#pafl dmitry

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celiamae99 · 6 months

Text

JJ Maybank x Reader

Pt 2!

Warnings: mentions of self harm, reader has anxiety and depression, swearing, therapy, sexual assault, Rafe being a dick

Mature readers ONLY. 18+. I will check profiles periodically and will block minors bc this post is MA!

You sat in the therapists office, hating that you were here. You had been going weekly because Sarah made you. She drove you to and from appointments, making sure you would go to the appointment.

Your therapist was nice enough. She knew how hard life was for you and she gave you grounding tools to help with your anxiety, which was now more manageable. She helped with the depression and managing thoughts. You created a routine you stuck to religiously. You were doing better. You weren’t suicidal anymore.

Once you left, you got back into Sarah’s car.

“So,” she prompted. “How was it.”

“It was fine. We talked about a new breathing exercise. And we talked about what to do when I see JJ again.”

“Did she tell you not to slam the door in his face?”

“I opened it back up!” You defended. “I didn’t think it was him and I wasn’t ready to see him. I did apologize.” You told her guilty. In all fairness, it did shock you to see JJ on the other side of the door.

She gave you a look and you turned the music on. Taylor Swift was playing, per usual, and you let the music hit your soul.

“Who could ever leave me darling? Who could stay?” You harmonized with the music until Sarah pulled up in front of the auto body shop where JJ worked. “What are we doing here?” You asked, mildly panicking. You didn’t want to see JJ. You guys hadn’t spoken in days.

“His bike is broke and if I don’t pick him up he’ll go home and Luke is out of prison.” She told you and you groaned, annoyed that there was no way out. JJ would not be going home for any reason you decided but that did not mean you wanted to see him.

“Hey,” JJ said getting into the car. “I need food.”

“We can go to The Cut.” Sarah said, driving off. “We can get take out and watch movies tonight.”

“I can’t,” you said quickly, trying to think of an excuse.

“And why the fuck not?” Sarah demanded. She wanted you and JJ to get back together and there was no rhyme or reason why you couldn’t go and she knew that.

“Because, I have to…” you thought quickly. “Study for History.”

“We don’t have a history test until next week.” JJ deadpanned. Well, shit.

“You’re coming and that’s final.” You rolled your eyes, sinking into your seat and turning up Sarah’s music so you wouldn’t have to talk.

“I’ve been the archer, I’ve been the pray.” You sang quietly.

Once you guys got to The Cut, you ordered your food. As you were about to tell Kiara’s dad what you wanted, JJ spoke up. “She wants a bacon cheeseburger, no onion, extra mayo.” You and Sarah stared at him. “Fries for the side.” JJ gave you an award winning smile that made you a little dizzy.

As the food was being prepared, you were startled when the bell dinged, signaling somebody coming in. It was Rafe, Kelce, and Topper. You sucked in a breath and instinctively moved closer to JJ.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here, boys?” Rafe smiled wickedly and you gulped.

“What do you want?” Sarah snapped at her brother angrily.

“What do I want?” He asked stepping towards you. “I think we all know exactly what I want.” You shrank back.

“Fuck off Rafe, nobody wants you here.” Sarah told her brother.

You were no stranger to Rafe and his antics. He had been flirting with you ever since you and JJ started your separation. Tried desperately to get into your pants. Touched you every chance he got.

JJ clenched his fist. This wasn’t good. JJ had a temper and you knew he would get the shit beaten out of him if Rafe said something about you.

“Come on, princess. You’re not with you’re little progue anymore. Why don’t you come on over and I’ll show you a damn good time.”

You were frozen in place but managed to say, “No.”

Rafe sneered at you. JJ got ready to punch him but you grabbed his wrist.

“It’s not worth it JJ,” you told him. “Please, let’s just go.”

JJ stormed out of the restaurant and you followed him to Sarah’s car, she stayed to yell at her brother and get the food.

“Don’t,” he said before you could say anything. “Just don’t, Y/N. Okay? You’re going to say you’re not worth it and it’s not true, okay? You’re worth it and no matter what terms we’re on, I’m going to fight for you.”

You stared at him, mouth agape.

“So I may not have fought him this time but I can promise you, if he lays a finger on you, I’ll kill him.”

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

Instead of a low key night, you guys decided to go to a keger. Which in retrospect, you should’ve known it would be bad.

You were in pretty deep, dancing with some girls from school when a body pressed harshly against yours. You turned around fast and saw you were face to face with Rafe. You tried to move away, but his grip on your arm was too tight. He dragged to you over to a empty area.

“Let me go,” you cried trying to tug your arm out of his reach. “Rafe! Let go!”

“No can do princess.” He said breathing heavily on your neck and you cringed, hating this more than anything you’d ever experienced. You shoved harshly at him but he wouldn’t budge. “I’ve wanted you for a long time.” He ran his free hand along your back side, and you cried out again. “And now,” he said gripping you tightly, “I’m going to have you.”

Before things could go further, Rafe was shoved out of your way. You gripped your arm to your chest. You breathed in and out, rapidly; you tried to catch your breath. “JJ!” You screamed at him. “JJ stop!”

John B, Sarah, Kiara, and Pope all ran over at the sound of your yells. Topper and Kelce came too. Pope and John B dragged JJ off Rafe and Topper and Kelce helped get Rafe on his feet.

“That little slut wanted it. You left her and now she’s open for grabs.” Rafe spewed running his thoughts together unintentionally. “She wanted it, alright?” You we’re crying, clutching on to Sarah.

“Let me at him!” JJ bellowed. “I’m going to kill him! I’m going to fucking kill him for touching my girl! John B, let me GO!”

Once the Kooks left JJ stumbled towards you.

He grabbed your hips gently and pulled him to you. You searched his eyes before wiggling out of his grip and running towards your house. You couldn’t do this. You couldn’t handle any of this. All the people, all the emotions. You couldn’t. So you did what you did best, and ran. You were done fighting.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

You slid down the wall of your bedroom, tears escaping you. You wanted JJ but you knew he didn’t want you. He just didn’t want Rafe to want you. And Rafe, oh God, Rafe had… you looked at your wrist and held it to you.

You felt JJ slide down next to you. “I should’ve killed him.” JJ said bitterly, kicking the floor.

“I don’t want you in jail.” You whispered.

“I know we’re complicated right now Y/N, but I promise you that he won’t touch you again.” He vowed to you. You glanced at his hand, which the skin was broken open and bleeding. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he reached over and tucked hair behind your ear.

“I know,” you said softly, gripping his good hand and squeezing softly. “Now, let’s clean up your hand.”

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

Once you guys had settled down, your thoughts started racing again. What was going to happen? You admitted that you loved each other, but did that mean he wanted to get back together? Yes, you were ready but that didn’t mean he was. It also didn’t mean he was ready to take on your baggage. He had his own life, own problems, he didn’t hear you adding in to his plate. Before you could spiral further, JJ started talking.

“I meant it when I said love you.” He whispered, rolling over on the bed so his face was hidden in your neck. “I’ll always love you. I always have.”

“I meant it when I said I love you.” You told him back. “You’re my favorite person JJ.”

“I took time, I found myself, and I’m still working on me but I’m better.” He said honestly. Hoping that this would be the last time he had to beg for you.

“I have too. I’m still in weekly therapy.” You whispered softly. “That might have to happen for a while.” You said guiltily. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Therapy is not something to be sorry about. Ever.”

“You don’t need my baggage on top of what you have JJ. I’m a mess. I always have been and I probably always will be.”

You closed your eyes, screwing them shut. You didn’t want to see JJ’s reaction. JJ kissed up your neck softly before pulling away and looking at you.

“I’m ready if you are.” He said looking deep into your eyes once you opened them. “But I’m also willing to fight for us. And I’m willing to wait as long as you need me to. I don’t care about your baggage. It’s the least of my problems. I always want to take care of you. And I always will.”

“I can’t do a break again.” You told him seriously. “It wasn’t right for us to break the way we did and I’m stilling hurting from that.” Your voice cracking. “I know you wanted what was best for us, but it wasn’t what was best for me. We work through our problems JJ. We always have and we always will.”

“We can work out our problems together.” He promised. “As long as you stay in therapy as long as you need. And you are honest with me when shit hits the fan.”

“And as long as you tell me when you’re dad is back and when you’re spiraling.”

“Deal.” He promised.

“Pinky promise?” You raised your eyebrows at him and held out your pinky.

“Pinky promise.” He said wrapping his pinky around yours.

#jj maybank x routledge!reader #jjmaybankimagineangst #jjmaybankimagine #outerbanks imagine #outerbanks #jj #JJ maybank

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ghastlybin · 1 year

Note

Can I request an angsty DC 8th member fic. I just need to read more 8th member au's and I love angst

Word, thank you for the request!!! Your wish is my command <3 =)) By the way, anyone else reading this, PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS FIRST! I BEG YOU.

Pairing: Dreamcatcher + 8th member! GN reader.

Word count: 2k

Genre/contents: Dreamcatcher’s 8th member! AU, Angst, heavy topics.

TW: Depictions of depression and anxiety. Kinda heavyish on imposter syndrome, insecurites, not feeling good enough, etc. The Y/N struggles with mental health and imposter syndrome, for short.

Note: I think I suck at being happy but I did attempt a happy-ish ending but I also didn’t want to be like “hey, depression. Now y/n is cured!1!1” Because that’s not how it works, sadly. But I at least tried to imply baby steps to managing the readers mental health better in the future rather than hold it all in kinda? I hope? Also the dialogue at the end that isn’t spoken by the Y/N is up to your interpretation. Could be any member you feel would say it or even your bias. Up to you. Anyways, enough stalling, thank you again, ily, and I hope you enjoy despite the topics depicted. (I really don’t know how else to word that- I am so sorry but yk what I mean though I hope lmao) I ALSO DON’T MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE if I do :(( I tried not to be offensive here.

Ignore the fact that I couldn’t find a gif lol goodnight/morning/afternoon it is currently 5am so I’m gonna dip but ily!!

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, the idol life.

You worked hard for years and finally got to debut as the eighth member of Dreamcatcher, putting music out that you’ve worked years to be able to put out.

But this? The self-doubt, the imposter syndrome, your insecurities that are constantly being picked out and called out by critics and antis.

You were always in a constant battle with your own mind, each word playing on repeat as you began to pick yourself apart and wishing you worked just a little bit harder to be as perfect as your fellow members.

Every day, every comeback, every waking moment, you worked harder and harder to fit in with the girls.

No matter what you did, you still felt less than others.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

You were supposed to be happy, enthusiastic, and in love with music— And you were.

You were happy. Happy you got to debut. Happy you were in a group full of wonderful women who were by your side every step of the way.

You were enthusiastic. Enthusiastic about performing. Enthusiastic about always putting in the most effort you could manage.

Of course, you were in love with music. Making music, singing, performing, and even producing it.

With each comeback, you recieved so much love from fans, dreamcatcher, and even staff, treating everyone kindly and respectfully and hoping they didn’t face the same feelings you felt deep inside.

But even with so much support, you still felt alone.

The loneliness was as intense as a monster that wanted nothing more than to eat away at your soul day by day.

And you would’ve let it, the pain inside debilitating your will to stay strong day by day.

You would’ve allowed yourself to drown completely, had it not been for your members there to keep your head above water and your passion for making music— Which was very much still there and still stronger than any demon eating away at you.

Handong was the first to see through to your emotional pain. The existential dread of never being enough.

You were seated beside her at a restaurant during dinner with the girls after a successful show.

The shaking of your hands, your heart beating through your chest, each vein pulsating with each beat.

Did I mess up the show?

You remembered how your mind raced with questions that you know you’d never believe the answers to.

Did anyone cheer for me during my parts?

Handong could feel something was off about you. Maybe it was the way you smiled without any feeling behind it. Maybe you were shaking too much for it to just be post-performance adrenaline.

Whatever it was, she realized the pain you were in. How it wasn’t something you could slap a band-aid on and be done with.

She saw you cry that same night, the pent-up emotions you had kept hidden from your group.

You wanted to be like them. Perfect, cool, and an amazing performer. You wanted them to think you were perfect, cool, and just as amazing as they were.

Instead, you cried, wishing to wake up as the perfect idol.

You remembered how tight Handong held you, listening to your wordless cries for as long as you needed.

And it hurt more, with as much love and support you received, all it took was for one negative comment to twist your day upside down.

You hated the power that had over you. How it altered your mind for the worst.

And Handong held you tightly in her arms as you sobbed until you were numb and with no more tears left.

“How long has this been going on?”

Her voice was soothing to your ears. Words you never thought you’d hear.

Finally, you thought. Someone willing to listen.

And you told her everything. Every painful feeling and thought you had bottled inside of you for so long. You trust her, of course. And she trusts you, grateful that you felt safe enough to open up to her.

The wars you waged in your mind had come to a ceasefire, even if only temporarily.

Minji was the next of the girls to have noticed.

Only this time, you were on a walk together, enjoying the day off while the others had other plans.

It was at a time you felt the most at peace with yourself. You itched to practice and perfect your skills, but at the same time, it felt good to be able to unwind and not have to worry about anything eating you up.

Minji didn’t know certain questions caused you pain.

“What are your goals for this year?”

It was a simple question. Albeit, a question that took some thought, but was meant to be harmless. She was excited about the future of the group, being the leader.

But it gave you a nauseous chill that caused you to stop all movement, clenching your jaw in an attempt to stop the feeling from pouring out of you.

“What’s wrong?” Minji asked, shortly before you began to shake, becoming short of breath and lightheaded.

It wasn’t a spontaneous reaction that caused you to spiral. You did think about your answer.

I have to be perfect. I have to work harder. I can’t take a break or I will have to start all over again.

You were on your day off, alongside Minji.

I have to start all over again.

“Y/N? Talk to me, please. I want to help you.” Minji thought about her words, only then, did she realize the emotional pain you experienced that began to externalize physically.

I may never be good enough.

You yelped, holding your chest as your heart picked up at an unnatural speed.

I will never be good enough, will I?

You were hyperventilating, shaking violently, sweat collected on your palms, and the world around you spun out of control.

Am I dying?

Minji immediately cut the walk short and brought you to the dorms and out of the eye of the public.

At the dorm, after Minji consoled you out of your inconsolable state, you didn’t remember the walk back to the dorm. How Minji worried for you every step of the way, hoping— Praying that you wouldn’t hyperventilate yourself into passing out on the street.

Your eyes were red and puffy from crying, which you also had no recollection of. You were a swirling pit of your own negative thoughts.

Yoobin was the third to notice.

She noticed you had been more distant than usual the day after your most recent comeback. While the girls were celebrating and well prepared for the promotion period, you had distanced yourself, picturing the ridiculing comments already, even as an endless sea of encouraging and adoring comments poured in, you could only seem to focus on the few negative ones.

Though the positive outweighed the negative, it was still enough to drown you and that was all it took.

“I’m fine.” A common excuse used by people bottling their feelings to avoid those around them from worrying.

Nothing is wrong with me.

I am perfectly fine.

I am perfect.

I am far from fine.

It was crazy how the weather seemed to align with your feelings.

Clouds burst into droplets to downpours of rain when they got too full.

Crazy how accurate it was to how you would bottle your feelings up so full that they would burst at the seams when it got too much.

You were surrounded by the bottled-up feelings that the sky held. Each cloud representing a different fear, insecurity— Anything that ate away at you bit by bit.

The cold rain drenched you the longer you sat outside, letting it wash over you just enough to simulate drowning, but never enough to actually drown you.

“Hey! You’re going to catch a cold out here!” Yoobin had run toward you with an umbrella, holding it over you, blocking any more drops from touching you.

The thing was, you were already cold. Even inside the heated building, the icy numbness blankets you.

“Are you okay?” Yoobin asked. You both shared the umbrella, the rain pouring down. Only then, did she realize you were crying.

“When will it stop?” The question came out in a mutter that Yoobin had barely heard.

“The rain?” She asked with a shrug.

Only later, did she understand what you truly meant.

When Siyeon noticed your pain, she walked past the bathroom door in the dorm, hearing the sounds of your crying.

It worried her and she wondered why you were crying.

It was just a bad day and you wanted to be alone rather than cry in your room where any of the girls could walk in at any given moment.

Siyeon knocked on the door, unaware you intended to be left alone. Even then, you were crying and she cared about you.

She’d have knocked anyway, even if it meant getting snapped at.

But you didn’t snap at her, only ceasing your tears as you sat on the floor of the bathroom, wiping your tears.

“Are you crying? Is there someone I need to beat up for you?” Siyeon asked, acknowledging that the door was locked, and instead sat beside the door to speak to you.

You cracked a smile, small, yet enough to slightly ease the pain in your chest.

“I’m fine, thank you.”

But you weren’t. You were far from fine.

Why do I feel like this?

A question that may never be answered no matter how many answers it all pointed to.

“You don’t sound fine. Tell me about it. Was it someone? Or something?” Siyeon didn’t want to overstep your boundaries, but she knew something was off.

It wasn’t every day that you burst into tears inside the dorm’s bathroom.

When you didn’t answer— Lacking the words to sum up your feelings, Siyeon’s voice seeped through the door again.

“I will be here when you’re ready. Whether your reason for crying is tiny or catastrophic, if it’s something that makes you cry, it’s never silly if it’s hurting you, so please don’t feel silly.”

Siyeon sat on the other side of the door as you covered your mouth, begging yourself not to cry anymore.

Within a few minutes, you gathered the courage to open the door and talk to Siyeon, who listened and tried her best to reassure you.

Even though you were grateful and felt a lot better in the end, you still had a massive lump in your throat that would take a while to overcome.

You just worried that it would take an eternity.

It was one in the morning when Yoohyeon found you wide awake, yet exhausted at the same time, sitting on the steps outside.

At first, she thought you were crazy being outside this late at night, her reasoning for being up as well was originally to go and get a glass of water.

That’s when she noticed you outside through one of the windows, sitting and watching the stars in silence and alone with your thoughts.

It was something you had done relatively often, only this was the first time Yoohyeon caught you. She sat beside you, following your gaze toward the sky.

“You’re still awake?” You asked, never taking your eyes off the night sky.

“Got thirsty. What’s your excuse?” She yawned. You smiled, finally looking at her.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Hm… Do we snore too loud or-“ Yoohyeon meant it as a joke, but she stopped herself when she noticed the water accumulating in your eyes, yet hadn’t spilled out.

And thankfully for you, they never did.

“I haven’t been able to sleep for a while.” You confessed, a heavy, shaky breath leaving your lips. “It’s hard to sleep when my mind is constantly telling me to do better.”

Yoohyeon listened to every word you said, with sincerity and concern on her expression as you continued to pour your heart out.

It embarrassed you too, admitting to her how vulnerable you really were. You wanted to be strong.

Perfect. Cool. Amazing.

It hurt as your mind contradicted your wishes.

But she listened. She cared.

Yet, you still felt the pain all the same.

You continuously messed up the choreography, exhausted and shaking all over from hours of practicing one part of the dance for the group's comeback.

You previously got it right, every step. But today was different and you weren’t sure why when you had done it perfectly just the day before.

It frustrated you have perfection seemed to come and go whenever it saw fit. It frustrated you how perfection lead you on, only to sink you deeper into the hole you felt stuck in.

Bora and Gahyeon stuck behind with you long after the other girls had left to take care of other obligations or simply just to return to the dorms.

Both girls remaining had opted to help you out, Bora spotting the steps you continuously missed or botched altogether, and took it slower, step by step as Gahyeon offered tips here and there— Which you took heed of, but for some reason, you just could not get the steps right.

How am I going to be perfect if I can’t get this down?

The thoughts came racing back again.

Gahyeon noticed your frustrations with yourself tearing away at you.

Then Bora noticed too when you stumbled backward and fell to the ground from the mental and physical exhaustion.

“Woah! Let’s take a break… Maybe pick up again tomorrow, what do you say?” Bora kneeled beside you, glancing at Gahyeon, who rushed to bring you a water bottle.

“Yes. We can go eat and call it a day.” Gahyeon agreed as you shakily held the bottle, drinking the refreshing water.

“I can’t. I’m not good enough for this.” You gripped the bottle as water sloshed out. On top of that, your voice cracked as the lump in your throat attempted to block your voice from leaving your throat.

“Where is this coming from? You are good enough. You’re more than enough!” Bora frowned, concerned.

Gahyeon took the liberty to hold your hand as you began to cry.

“I’m trying, I promise!” Your cries turned into sobs, the bottled-up emotions spilling out again since the previous time.

Over and over again, like a cloud, filling up until it bursts.

“I know you are. You’ve worked hard enough already. Let’s call it a night. Me, you, and Gahyeon- maybe the others if they are free- All of us go out to eat. You’ve more than earned it.” Bora attempted to soothe you as Gahyeon continued to hold onto your hand.

“And if you want, you can vent to me. I will listen.” Bora spoke with such sincerity that you cried harder.

“Me too. Whatever you need, I— We got you covered.” Gahyeon inputs, caressing the back of your hand with her thumb.

Putting your feelings into words was hard. You never knew where to start and sometimes it got jumbled, lost in translation, and incomprehensible.

And still, you tried. A weight simultaneously lifting off your shoulder while also weighing you down more.

The support you had received around you opened your eyes more and the loneliness you felt inside felt like an odd thing to feel, knowing you were surrounded by people who loved and cared for you.

You were anxious. It was the day of the comeback and you had listened to Bora and Gahyeon about picking back up the next day.

When the next day came, you were able to do the choreography again without any mistakes. Day after day, each practice before the promotion period, you nailed the dance flawlessly as a group and individually.

Your hands shook and your heart raced. All of this time chasing perfection, you weren’t sure why you hadn’t reached it yet.

“We’re next!” Gahyeon excitedly announced backstage as the group before you started to finish up their stage.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm your nerves, fearing you would mess up or that your nerves would show through.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I’m fine… Thank you.”

A common excuse, but you actually began to mean it, even if slightly.

And you were fine. Every doubt you had, every worry, every thought, they were internal. No one else thought you were as flawed as you thought.

Nothing was wrong with you. You were perfect. You had a ton of support and love from family, friends, and fans who —In their eyes— Saw you as perfect.

You were just fine. You were cool. You were amazing.

You weren’t perfect.

You were perfectly imperfect. Everyone was.

And that was okay.

Even in the hole you felt stuck in, pulling yourself out seemed like an actual possibility with the support system you had discovered that had been there all along, patiently by your side until you see yourself the way those around you did.

“Remember, you’ll do just fine. You always have.”

“Thank you. I won’t fail you!” You replied, adjusting your in-ear.

The girls fondly smiled at you, feeling a sense of pride toward you.

“You never have.”

You were cool, amazing, and your own kind of perfect, even if it will take some time for you to accept.

#dreamcatcher x reader #dreamcatcher imagines #dreamcatcher au #dreamcatcher #dreamcatcher fics #dreamcatcher jiu #dreamcatcher sua #dreamcatcher handong #dreamcatcher siyeon #dreamcatcher yoohyeon #dreamcatcher dami #dreamcatcher gahyeon

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thepalmofyourfreezinghand · 5 months

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I agree with renegade, I don't see it as romantic at all. But I just have to give a bit of the other pov. That song made me resent taylor a bit, because it just made me feel unlovable. I suffer from anxiety and depression so I just thought about how much it would hurt me to listen to those words from someone I love. It sucks to ser something falling apart because of your mental health and sometimes I just don't have the strength to go fix it. I know I should fix it but it's just so hard. So yeah, it just hurts to see the way part of the fandom talks about the song

Yeah! I completely relate to this, anon.

One thing that’s helped me a lot is trying to rationalize my feelings and really analyze where they’re coming from.

Taylor writing and releasing a song should not affect us, rationally, because it’s just a person telling her side of the story, and, most importantly, it’s just a snapshot in time, it’s how she felt in a specific moment, it’s not a reflection of her entire belief system. So, we must interpret Taylor saying the things she said in Renegade as her reflecting on her feelings in a specific moment: both good and bad feelings, both empathetic and egoistical feelings, both sensitive and insensitive feelings. It’s just a piece of the puzzle: yeah, sometimes people who aren’t doing well (like myself) hurt others AND don’t have the will to change for the better (as you pointed out). It’s just the truth. BUT Taylor has also talked about the importance of staying by her friends’ side even when they aren’t doing well, and Ed has said that Taylor’s the only famous person he knows would still hang out with him even if he became a “nobody”. So, we know that she’s an empathetic person and she’s doesn’t think that those who suffer are just a pain in the ass, to put it simply hahah.

That’s how I rationalize Taylor’s words so they don’t hurt me.

Rationalizing fans’ words (as you, again, pointed out) is much more difficult for me. Sometimes impossible. So I just ignore them hahah. Fans are gonna be on Taylor’s side no matter what, and they’re gonna say some pretty mean things in doing so. For example, fans are gonna applaud Taylor for singing “get your shit together so I can love you” (Joe’s pain = imposition), BUT they’re also gonna attack Joe for making Taylor feel like her pain was an imposition (YLM). That’s incredibly irrational and stupid. You can’t applaud Taylor for telling the entire world that Joe’s pain was an imposition, and then attack Joe for doing pretty much the same thing. You just can’t.

Another problem I have with fans is them saying “Taylor got better and Joe wasn’t able to! Booohhhhh him!!!”, because it’s just such a shitty thing to say that completely ignores the way mental health works.

The reality of life is that sometimes when we suffer we make the people we love suffer too, and sometimes those in our life who are going through a rough patch will make us suffer. It goes both ways. We should always strive to get better, but sometimes it’s just impossible (I know it all too well), and it’s not our fault if we aren’t able to get better (please always remember that, anon!).

Taylor simply released a song about her own emotions, and that should NEVER make us feel bad about ourselves. Fans, on the other hand, are gonna take Taylor’s side no matter what, and they’re gonna use mental health as a pawn in their “I love Taylor!!!” game, so their words are meaningless and we should just ignore their irrational opinions.

#taylor swift #joe alwyn #renegade

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not7wu · 5 months

Text

Chapter Six: A Symbiotic Relationship

Recap: You might have remembered why you woke up naked in Jin's bed...but the hope you had to explore something more came to a screeching halt when you learned about Rule Five and Jin's first love. Jieun instead encouraged you to spend less time on Kim Cho-hee and more time with your family of eight, so you do just that. Oh, and you have a cleaning lady, apparently.

Tae is waiting for you with a corsage outside of your apartment. Both dressed casually and comfy, the corsage brings a note of whimsy so uniquely Tae that honestly you should have expected it. Wrist now decorated with periwinkle, thistles, and eucalyptus, you walk hand in hand to the parking garage.

When you tried solidifying plans with Tae earlier in the day, he said he wanted to surprise you, so you happily settle in and enjoy conversation with him as his driver navigates the streets of Seoul. There’s a mischievous twinkle in Tae’s eye when you pull up into an alley. You’re led through a backdoor, through the kitchen, and down a staff hallway to a secluded, closed dining room. The table is set low with seating cushions. The wood accents from the trim to the table are rustic with blackened knots and scars. It’s beautiful and you wonder if Namjoon has been here before. Your server enters with water and menus and you finally find out where you are.

Ossu Seiromushi, Jin’s brother’s restaurant. You peek over the menu at Tae who is staring back at you unabashedly. You don’t know what he’s planning, but you can’t do anything but go along with it, completely at his mercy. After your order is put in and your juices placed in front of you, the silence stretches, but it’s different than what you’re used to–the comfortable silences, the anxious silences and the silences that are too loud. This silence feels buzzy and slinky, like an animal crouched, waiting to pounce. The Tae sitting in front of you is the same Tae, but he seems different from the persona he normally projects like he has decided to set aside his hahoetal mask for a short time.

“Hello,” you murmur.

“Hi.” He seems to take the measure of you, stripping you of your own mask that you hadn't realized you had on. Though it's not like he's ripping off this protection you made for yourself, but more like he's letting you breathe unhindered for a while.

You clear your throat. “How are you?”

He settles into the cushions to consider, leaning back on his arms in a calculated way to seem casual. You know he's trying to allay your anxiety, but you're actually okay. Everyone says he's your first friend, one of the ones closest to you, if friendships were to have levels, and even with this given fact, you've never felt deceit from Tae. All of his emotions and reactions have been genuinely and sincerely broadcasted to you. You trust Tae.

“Today, I’m content. It’s a rollercoaster otherwise,” he shrugs.

“Why is that?”

His smile turns half-hearted. “Our Map of the Soul Tour got canceled. That sucks. And you'd think we would have more time to take breaks and see family, but our schedule is still going at the same pace we usually do, if not more, to make it up to Army.”

The pandemic has been difficult for many people. Even you know that the reason you rarely venture outside their condo isn't entirely to isolate and guard you, but because the world is on edge with these social distancing regulations. But social distancing for a performance group like BTS, whose relationship with fans is more intimate than most fandoms, must be agony. “I’m sorry. I know you were all really looking forward to the tour.”

“Yeah, concerts are the endgame prize for all our hard work and it got snatched away. We can’t even blame anyone. So I guess our schedule is a double edged sword to protect and distract us from depression. Idle idols are not a good thing. On the other hand, the Tour being canceled wasn’t all that bad either.”

“Because…”

“Because it means we can stay home and spend more time with you.”

“What?” That was an unexpected turn. The boys love performing. It’s the only time they can see the people they’ve inspired to move to the beat, to live life to the fullest, and to dream quietly or loudly. And Army is like a mirror in that way, inspiring the boys to make the beats, to breathe life in verse, and to accomplish their dreams. You suddenly feel like an obstacle and it doesn’t sit right with you.

Tae chews on his lip for a few seconds, assessing your stricken expression, your face an open book. "Can you handle some heavy conversation? Or do you wanna put a pin in it and we can come back to it when you have the emotional energy for it?"

You want to blurt out that you can handle it, but you respect him for considering your well-being, so you instead take a moment to actually gauge yourself. Your mind is calm, your emotions are stable, and you feel safe here with Tae. Confidently, you say, "I can handle it."

His expression is grave, but there's some pride there too, like he's proud you weren't carelessly eager.

He wets his lips, his next words deliberate and conscientious. “Your attack happened near the beginning of 2018. We were already burnt out. We hadn’t seen our families properly in over a year, and then you got hurt. It felt wrong to leave for the Love Yourself Tour while you were still in the hospital, confused and disoriented. And the hits just kept coming. Jungkook’s foot injury. Jimin’s issues with his muscles and overworked voice. We became submerged in a blue and grey fog, but that wasn't fair to Army, so we used Army as our focal point. The guiding constellation until we could be home again.

"But I still felt out of focus, like double vision. I was giving it my all, but my angel's voice would be drowned out in cresting and ebbing waves of this other voice whispering things like 'Y/N doesn't know who you are. She doesn't recognize anyone and you abandoned her. She doesn't have anyone else and she's scared and sad and panicked. And you left her. You left her line of sight.'

"And I worried. Worried that the people we left behind to care for you wouldn't know how best to quiet your brain, how best to cheer you up, how best to distract you. And as all these worries piled up, I realized I needed you to quiet my brain, cheer me up, and distract me, but you couldn't. I couldn't call you for encouragement or comfort. Like a snake biting its own tail I just went round and round in the guilt and depression. And it wasn't just me. Jin-hyung, Hobi-hyung–we wanted to leave. Not just the Tour but everything."

Tae was right to ask if you could handle this. It's a lot to take in. You're trying your best to listen, to process, because this moment is for Tae. He's been holding all of this in and steadily marching on for you. So you anchor yourself, determined to hold his ship steady.

You prompt him, "But you didn't leave."

He plays around with the condensation on his water glass. "No. We didn't leave. Yoongi-hyung convinced us to stay."

“How did he do that?”

“Eh. He said that we had more power now to advocate for ourselves in contract negotiations and more means to delegate. But the ultimate selling point was when he said you would kill us if we left," he chuckles here, melancholy lacing the velvet of it. "He said you wouldn’t want us to break up.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, Yoongi-hyung tattled on us to you during one of your 'lucid' moments and you really laid into us.”

“Good.”

Tae rolls his eyes at your satisfaction, but he shares your grin. He leans in almost conspiratorially.

“You know, you’re the reason why I’m even in BTS.”

“Bullshit. You’re in BTS because of you.”

He laughs, shaking his head. “No, seriously. I’m here because Park Haneul asked you to go with him to an audition, but you couldn’t ask off work. So, you forced me to go with him instead. It’s funny cuz’ you were oblivious that he was trying to ask you out and then I passed the audition. Actually, now that I think about it, that super sucked for him.”

You giggle, “Oh, shit, that’s horrible. Is it too late to send him an apology gift basket?”

“Eh, I don’t know if that would help or just rub him the wrong way.”

“You’re probably right," you concede. "Still, even if I got you to the audition, you did all the hard work.”

“Oh, Y/N. What people don’t tell you in this business is that you can work as hard as you want, but it all ultimately comes down to luck. I was lucky. We were lucky. Now we’re racing towards a ceiling and we can’t predict when it’ll all come crashing down.”

The humor subsides, Tae looking the youngest you've ever seen him, troubled and vulnerable. You’d do anything to erase that expression forever, but you don’t think you have the power to. You want to try though.

“Tae. It might hurt when you reach the end, but you’ve got parachutes. You’ve got people like me who are more than ready to catch you. You say it's all luck, but we are lucky to have you. Trust that we've got you. And, it’s all ultimately out of your control, so let’s just enjoy the ride.”

“Advice you could take too, you know.”

You flinch, his words stinging a bit. “You’re right,” you admit. “That was a bit careless. I didn’t mean to dismiss your feelings. I just meant that I’m here for you, no matter what state I’m in. And I know you’re here for me too, that all of you are. I’ve never once felt neglected or abandoned. If anything, I would understand if you guys put me up in some hospital and went on with your lives. Seriously, you’ve gone above and beyond what any normal person would do for a friend.”

“Family, Y/N. You’re family.”

“Yes. Above and beyond what any normal person would do for family, then.”

“Well, you should know by now we aren’t normal. I adopted you when I was just a scrawny kid with ears too big for my head and you were just a bookworm who stubbornly refused to get glasses.”

“I don’t know why you’re so dead set against glasses. But fine. Let’s ask seonsaeng-nim to move you to a desk in the front,” Tae suggests. He’s sitting on your desk before class starts, drawing abstract cartoons on the desktop. There’s a little alien character saying ‘Fighting! You can do it!’ You’re gonna have to erase it before the test, but it’s still nice to have this reminder and encouragement beforehand. In turn, he’s making you draw cartoons on his shoes with markers. You decided to go with a plant theme and he giggles when you add sunglasses to a cactus.

“If I move, we wouldn’t be sitting next to each other, Tae. ”

“Aww, you love me," he coos at you.

You huff. “We have a symbiotic relationship at best.”

“So you’re saying I’m a clownfish and you’re my sea anemone.”

“Yeah, Tae, you’re a clown.”

“So zappy. Nice.” You stick your tongue out at him and he sticks his tongue out at you, crossing his eyes. It inspires you to draw googily eyes on a sunflower, earning you an approving pat on the head that you bat away. “Well, just cuz we don’t sit next to each other doesn’t mean we won’t see each other. We can make it fun! Passing notes is not a challenge when you’re literally sitting right next to me.”

“So you’re saying you don’t want to sit next to me.” You mean to say it as a joke, but a tinge of hurt manages to bleed through. He’s been pushing this idea for the past couple of days, ever since you mentioned your nearsightedness. Now, you wish you hadn't.

You know he means well, but it’s hard for you to make friends. Well, it’s not like you don’t have other friends. You could end up sitting next to Hanuel or Bora and it’d be fine. But they’re not Tae. And you’re the only one who can help him concentrate during lessons. As you’re thinking that though, you fight off the knowledge that, ultimately, Tae would be fine without you. Yes, Tae is your person, but Tae is so friendly and charismatic, he doesn’t need to stick with you.

Tae gets up with no warning, making you accidentally draw a red line through a sunflower, as well as getting a bit of ink on his khakis. Whoops. He doesn’t care though, draping himself over you and almost strangling you in the process.

Some classmates think that you’re together when it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Many of them are beginning to be interested in things like kissing and sex, so they find your physical closeness suspect, but Tae has confided in you that while he doesn’t think he’d mind kissing, the idea of sex makes him nauseous, makes something wriggle and itch under his skin, so he isn’t interested, nope, no way. You, on the other hand, aren’t interested in kissing and sex because you’re barely comfortable with hugs.

You remember the first time Tae hugged you. This boy plopped himself next to you during lunch and proclaimed he was adopting you. You were particularly sensitive that day being in a new school alone, afraid people would notice that your secondhand uniform (or rather fourthhand) was frayed. That people would notice no one had dropped you off or would pick you up. Afraid they’d know you’re an orphan, something abandoned and not worthy of nice things like friendship.

Orphanages are survival of the fittest. You only get adopted if you are young and pretty or cute or handsome or charming. You know you aren't ugly. Objectively, you think you look generic. Cookie cutter. Not only that, you know you aren't charming. And while your facility tries to be fair and equal, there isn’t always enough to go around, so you often are skipped over for things like new clothes, toys, and treats and get smaller portions of meals, the caretakers citing your apparent 'independence' and 'maturity.'

But your independence is not voluntary. It's loneliness. You are not mature. You are resigned. And here was a boy who had already guessed all this, smelled it on you, and was making fun of you for it. The little hope you had for something different, for something completely your own, died.

You burst into tears and the boy panicked, stumbling over an apology and eyes wildly searching for help before he dove at you, squeezing. You immediately froze, unused to skinship, arms awkwardly hanging by your sides unsure what to do with them or where you should place your hands. No one had ever hugged you or held your hand. None of the caretakers ever tucked you in bed or comforted you after nightmares.

Like a plant, you wanted to soak it all up like water. Like sunlight. You didn’t know how you could prolong it, how to keep this or even if you were allowed to. So, you froze because maybe if you didn’t move, if you held your breath, this boy wouldn't let go.

He did eventually let go, but he stayed. He didn’t ask you questions, but he patiently waited for you to reveal parts of yourself until days, weeks, months went by and you realized he could see all of you. The world didn’t end and he continued to stay. He saw your insecurities and he built your confidence with attentive prodding and careful wheedling, drawing you into seemingly innocent arguments and discussions that emphasized the double standards you set for yourself. He saw how anxious you are and he listened to music with you, introducing you to jazz, trap, emo-rock and a healthy coping mechanism. He saw how touch starved you are and he hugged, cuddled and held your hand, wearing down your awkward hesitancy with exposure therapy. Now you grab his forearm and squeeze. He returns your squeeze bodily, the weight of him grounding you.

“I’ll always be next to you,” Tae says. “You can’t get rid of me. You’re my sea anemone, remember? I just won’t be in your direct line of sight is all.”

“Well, I’d still rather see you than the board.”

“Aww, you do love me.” You duck your head, but can’t fight the smile. His declarations of love are apparently also part of his exposure therapy. No one has ever said they love you, except Tae. You only ever read about it in books, books with passionate romance, covenants of friendship, and embers in the hearth of home. And you think you feel love for Tae too because his love feels like home.

Tae laughs and ruffles your hair. You huff in feigned annoyance, shrugging him off and smoothing out your hair. He moves back to his desk, reaching to ruffle your hair again and you bat his hand away. “Okay, so if you don’t want to move to the front then you could, I don’t know, get glasses? You know, those things people wear so they can see? Come on. You can get the round ones like Harry Potter! It’ll be magical!”

“Tae, for the last time, glasses are expensive and–they won’t turn me into a wizard,” you say breathlessly. Your eyes refocus on the present moment and the first thing you see is Tae stunned, eyes wide.

You remember him as he was in your youth and you now see this beautiful man. He really has grown into his ears. The freckles on his nose, cheek and lip are more prominent now from so many days in the sun. His eyes, though, still hold the same child-like wonder you’ve always admired. His face lights with that boxy smile, the one that holds so much joy his face can barely contain it.

“Aww, you love me,” he teases. His expression and tone is playful, but there’s a sincerity, a gravity, a note of bittersweet, a whisper of a question at the end. His words don’t encompass like a blanket or taste like strawberries. They don’t weigh you like an anchor or light you up like a firework. The words flow through you like a river, the surface running free, vibrant and frolicking, but with depths that cut paths in unexpected ways. A path that connects you to him. So you have no hesitation, no doubt when you say, “I do. I love you, Tae.”

He beams and you can’t help grinning back. You stick your tongue out at him for old time’s sake, but instead of returning the sentiment, his smile softens. “You know, that’s all we’ve ever needed. I’m in your corner and you’re in my corner. As long as we have this, then nothing else matters."

“You’re right," you nod. "I just–I just want to remember more. It’s like I have all these pieces to a puzzle, but I’ve lost the box, and every time I remember, I finally get a glimpse at the picture of what I’m supposed to make. Our experiences and memories make us who we are, Tae. I wanna complete my puzzle so I can start living my life, you know?”

“But you are living your life. No one’s puzzle is complete anyways. It’s constantly changing. We’re different from when we were twelve and we’re different than we were yesterday. So even with all that’s going on, you are allowed to be different and to change. We can make new memories. Have new experiences.”

“Still. Those memories are precious. I don’t wanna throw away the box completely.”

“Then I’ll remember for you. You can take or borrow any piece you want.”

“What if I stray too far from the original design until I’m too different for you to handle?”

His eyes issue a challenge. “I can handle it.”

You believe that. You do. It’s just–

“Plus,” Tae continues. He cocks his head at you. “No matter how many times you’ve reset, you’re still the same at your core, even if you can’t see it. You’re resilient and kind. Anxious in yourself, but fierce for others. And you still baby me.

"You know, I’m the oldest hyung in my family. I always take care of my brother and sister and all of my cousins. I’m expected to be the rock of my family, and in a way, I guess I succeeded. I worked hard to be where I am so my siblings can do whatever they want. But you were the first person to let me be me without any expectations. You let me be silly and strange. You follow my whims and encourage my weird.

“And if you hadn’t, I don’t know if I could have made it with the hyungs. I’m a hyung to Jungkookie, but without you, I wouldn’t know how to be a dongsaeng to the hyungs. To be soft so they can be hard. To let go of control so they can be in control. You gave me time to figure it out. So you can be you without any expectations. You’ve always taken the reins so I can daydream. This is your daydream now and I can take the reins.”

You’re deeply touched, and you get it. Just as you see the twelve year old him still buried in the man he is today, in the way he smiles, the dare in his eyes, he’s still just your Tae. But you lightly scoff. “Thank you for taking care of me, but you don’t fool me, Tae. You still act like an oppa, like a hyung. You take care of everyone in your wily ways. You really are our dramatic alien, but I also know that you turn it on, on purpose, for BTS to give them energy. I know you turn it on, on purpose, at home so everyone can turn off and get comfortable. I know you turn it on, on purpose, to bring out the oppas’ instincts. I know you turn it on, on purpose, so Namjoon-oppa, Jimin, and Jungkookie can be silly dongsaengs with you. You are my silly dongsaeng, but you are also my oppa, Tae.”

“Just let me take the reins, noona.”

You watch the switch happen. This conversation has been much too serious for far too long and, being called out for his ways, Tae retreats now, putting his hahoetal mask back on with that grin, his eyes twinkling in the way they do, impish and goofy, but wiser than anyone suspects. The perfect disguise for the enigma that is Kim Taehyung. And just because you know it’ll please him, you tell him, “You’re an enigma, Kim Taehyung.”

He pumps his fists in victory. “Yes! That’s all I’ve ever wanted! Wait! Does that mean I’ve peaked?! I’m too young to peak!”

You’re so fond of this man as he rambles on a mile a minute. The boy who adopted an anxious girl and a girl who was chosen by a fearless boy. A Tom Sawyer who wanted you to be his Huckleberry Finn. You know you fall short, but he’s always had enough Tom and Huck in himself that he never cares that you don’t. That’s why you will always play along wholeheartedly.

You scoff. “Oh, please. I have no doubt you’ll always find a way to top yourself.”

“Ooh, kinky. That’s what they call self-cest, right?”

“Oh, my god, Tae, are you reading fanfics?!”

“If Army didn’t want me to read their dream journals, they shouldn’t post it online.”

“But you’re asexual.”

“There are some asexual fanfics.”

“Then how do you know about self-cest?”

“Trial and error. Lots of error. Sometimes I can’t help myself, okay?”

You both laugh because if that isn’t Tae’s motto, you don’t know what is.

The rest of dinner goes much like that, tangents you can’t fathom how you found yourself on, but filled with humor nonetheless. By the end, you feel more settled than you’ve ever felt. Maybe Tae’s right. Maybe you can let him take the reins and just be the person you are right now. Figure it out as you go along.

The both of you are waiting for the bill and you’re trying your best to reenact Jieun getting caught by Bang PD-nim doing an impression of him rapping, Tae giggling manically, when a man you don’t recognize enters.

“Jung-hyung!” Tae shouts. He tackles the man as you smooth your hair down, hoping this guy didn’t catch the last bit of your reenactment of Bang PD-nim flailing because when he sat down in Jieun’s chair, it was too tall, so he pulled the lever to lower it and it shot down too fast.

The man pulls back from the hug and says, “I saw ‘Vante’ on the reservation list and had to come say hi. You know that pseudonym doesn’t fool anyone, right?”

“Yeah, I should have used Y/N’s name cuz’ she’s not as famous at all,” Tae says, pointing his thumb at you.

You sigh, but don’t take any offense to his teasing because you’re honestly grateful you’re not famous. You don’t know what you would have done if your privacy was invaded on top of all your other issues. You politely bow to the man and his lips quirk in amusement. “Y/N,” he says, startling you. “It’s been a while. I hope the dongsaengs have been behaving themselves.”

“You hope for too much,” you say with a straightface, earning you chuckle. Apparently, you have some sort of relationship with this man? You try to silently communicate your need for assistance to Tae, but he’s paying you no mind, too busy climbing the man like a tree. You don’t have to worry though because he receives your telepathy.

“Noona, Seokjung-hyung is Jin-hyung’s hyung.”

Realization dawns, Seokjung remembering that you might not remember him and you remembering that you’re at Jin’s brother’s restaurant, so this really shouldn’t surprise you.

“Aish!” Seokjung exclaims. “I’m so sorry, I forgot. I’m your Jungie-oppa. I give Jin shit. You give Jin shit. We’re the give Jin shit team.”

You like the sound of that. You can see a slight resemblance now, except he’s taller and has broader features than Jin. His easy going nature immediately sets you at ease. The charm must be genetic.

“All you need to remember is that I’m your favorite oppa,” he says with a very Jin-like wink.

“It’s just me here,” Tae says. “If you want to sow the seeds of chaos, you need to wait till the rest of the hyungs are here. Where is Jin-hyung by the way?”

“He’s at the park down the street with Areum and Byeol. Areum is my wife,” Seokjung explains to you.

“Areum and Byeol are here?! You’re saying I can hang out with all three of my favorite girls?!” Tae exclaims. He shimmies off Seokjung, nearly kneeing Seokjung in the groin.

“What about Jieun-unnie?” you ask as Tae crouches in front of you.

“Jieun-noona is a menace. A menace, I tell you! Hyungie, pay for our dinner!”

“I already did.” Seokjung rolls his eyes with no heat.

“What are you doing?” you ask incredulously. Tae remains in his crouched position and you have no idea what’s going on.

“Get on my back! You’re too slow!” “I am not and I will not!”

“Get on my back, noona, or I’ll bridal carry you instead!”

At the very real threat, you grumble as you clamber onto his back. He’s out the door before you can adjust yourself, but you manage to call out, “It was nice to see you, Jungie-oppa! We ate well! Thank you!”

“It was nice to see you too! Kiss Byeol for me!” he calls back to you.

Tae marches you hurriedly down the alley towards where you assume the park is. It’s funny watching all the plainclothes bodyguards trying to catch up with Tae’s antics.

“Who’s Byeol?” You sputter around wisps of Tae’s hair in your nose.

“Only the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world!”

“Wow, thanks. That was some helpful information, Tae.”

“Anytime!”

The park comes into view, pathways lit, faerie lights in some trees, and a dark lake reflecting the moon. You don’t know how Tae could possibly know where Jin is in this expanse, but he marches assuredly on. It isn’t long before Jin comes into view. There’s a small deck with a few benches. He’s standing by the railing pointing at something on the lake and you hear a child-like squeal. The sound seems to spur Tae on because he’s excitedly jogging with you struggling to find a comfortable position.

“Tae, lemme off!”

“We’re almost there, you potato sack!”

“I am not a potato sack! You forced me up here!”

“Cuz’ you’re slow!”

“I am not slow! I am efficient with my energy!”

“Whatever you say, sloth lady!”

“I am not a sloth lady!”

“Okay, sloth man!”

“Tae!”

Your argument alerts Jin who turns around with wide eyes. The deck is a bit in shadow, jutting out from the path and its lights, but you think you see him panic as you both approach.

“Taehyung, what are you doing here?” Jin asks incredulously.

“I’m here to see my niece! Seokjung-hyung and Areum-noona have deprived me of her for too long! Hand her over!” Tae drops you unceremoniously and you stumble to catch your balance. When you find your equilibrium again, Tae is blowing raspberries into the belly of the most adorable giggly little girl you have ever seen. She can’t be more than two years old with pudgy cheeks and flailing miniature limbs. She has Seokjung’s eyebrows and nose, and her dark hair is short, curling at the end. This is not doing good things to your uterus, oh my god, she’s so cute! “Byeol, look who’s here!”

Tae points you out and Byeol babbles happily, reaching out to you with chubby hands. Who are you to deny this little one? Byeol settles comfortably in your arms with no fuss, her little body tucked against all your curves. She grabs your corsage, crushing some of the flowers and looks up at you with big beautiful brown eyes and long soft lashes.

“Aren’t the flowers pretty? But not as pretty as you Byeol,” you coo conversationally. You pretend to nip her cheek and she squeals in delight and you wish you could make wind chimes out of it. You are literally melting, goo, a puddle. Byeol’s nose is so cute, you don’t even try to resist eskimo kissing her, her face scrunching up toothily.

“Noona, watch this! Byeol! Who’s the best? You’re the best! Kaepjjang!”

Byeol fists a hand and then gives a thumbs up. She’s pleased when you all break into laughter. Even Jin who has been quiet all this time laughs and you want to make a windchime out of that too. It’s squeaky and hiccupy, and it is such an odd sound to come out of a handsome man, endearing in its contrast.

“Aigoo, I can’t believe she remembers what samchon Yoongi taught her. Our Byeol is so smart," Jin says.

“Yoongi-hyung is gonna be so jealous we got to see her,” Tae states gleefully.

Byeol reaches out to Jin and emits an excited squeal as Jin immediately scoops her up making airplane sounds. You pout feeling bereft of her warm, sturdy, compact body.

As Tae points out a bird to the little one, you glance around, realizing you’re missing someone. “Where’s Byeol’s eomma? Jungie-oppa said she’d be here.”

“She’s here,” Tae answers instead of Jin.

Jin huffs a sigh. “Areum-noona is just a little ways down the path. The stroller decided it was the best time to malfunction during a night stroll.”

Tae begins playing peekaboo with Byeol, so you move in closer to Jin to catch her radiant expression.

“So you met, Seokjung-hyung, huh? And now you’re here to see Areum-noona and Byeol. How fortuitous.” Jin’s tone is weird. When you glance at him, he’s giving a pointed look at Tae who easily ignores him.

You suddenly feel bad, even if this wasn’t your idea. Jin hadn’t invited you to meet his family and you blindsided him. “Sorry for intruding on your family time.”

Jin instantly turns to you, expression horrified. “No, Y/N. Don’t apologize. Tae is just annoying. I just–you could never intrude.”

“Smooth,” Tae says like a brat. Jin responds with a jab Tae isn’t quick enough to dodge. “Ow! Help! Byeol, I’m dying!”

Tae dramatically flops to the ground to the chorus of Byeol's giggles.

“Now look who’s slow, sloth man," you say as the three of you tower over him.

“I’m not a sloth man.”

“Okay, sloth lady.”

“How did I get stuck with you two on my night off?” Jin despairs. “It’s like I’m watching three babies.”

“Wow. Filicide. Way to turn this biblical. I like it!” Tae says from the ground. He gives a thumbs up and Byeol gives him one too. Oh, you could just eat her up. So cute!

Instead, you lightly elbow Jin. "I don't think you have a leg to stand on with your Mario figurines and Maplestory plushies," you tease.

"Cuz that's so much worse than a room with my face plastered all over it like a shrine." Jin smirks at your growing horror.

Oh my god. You kick Tae who "oof"s. "Tae, I told you that in confidence!"

Tae's eyes widen. "You can't remember what you ate two weeks ago, but you remember telling me that in confidence?!"

"I didn't remember, but thanks for confirming, you dog bird! And no one remembers what they ate two weeks ago!" you hiss.

"Waffles. Chapagetti. Ojingeo bokkeum."

"You made that up!"

"No, I didnt!"

"Dog bird!"

"Y/N!" Tae whines.

There's no way you'd ever volunteer that info to Jin who is now squeaking the most you’ve ever heard him squeak. Of course, Tae told him. He’s a sucker for bribes and probably traded that secret for nothing more than dumplings. Tae begs apologies to you, but you're having none of it. You're so embarrassed you could die.

Byeol reaches for Tae so Jin carefully sets her on Tae’s stomach, who immediately pulls her down to nuzzle her ruddy cheeks. Ignoring Jin’s continued amusement at your expense, you dig out your phone and start taking pictures. As you snap pictures of the two, you can’t help but think this is what Tae meant. Making new memories. Having new experiences. You feel eyes on you. Jin’s laughter has subsided, but he watches you three, content. He winks at you and you wink back.

A small woman appears beside him. “You know, the other day, I almost thought Byeol was having a stroke, but I finally figured out her weird blink was just her trying to wink. I’m kind of scared to see what she’s gonna be like as an adult with all of you influencing her,” she says wryly as she parks her stroller.

“Well, at least she has Y/N and noona, so it won’t be that bad,” Tae coos, stroking Byeol’s back.

Areum waves his flattery away, for this must be Areum. Light brown hair and fae-like with her sharp eyes and sharp nose, but soft lashes and delicate hands. You’re immediately intimidated by her, but to your surprise she pulls you in and embraces you. For such a small person, she hugs like a bear. She pulls back and gives you a once over.

“You look like you’re in one piece, so that’s good,” she says, gently brushing your hair back. “I’m Areum, Seokjung’s wife and Jin’s hyungsu. I know you don’t remember me, but if you ever need anything, like a break from those crazy boys, you just call unnie, okay? You have my number in your phone.”

Her motherly tone is warm and inviting and you can't hide the eagerness in your voice. “I don’t need a break, but I’d love to spend time with you.”

Areum exudes a quiet confidence that you wish you could emulate. It isn’t arrogant or vain, even though she’d have every right to be with her looks, but rather it’s a surety in how she holds herself. Like she knows who she is and what she brings to the table. You could do with some of that.

You’re graced with a pleased smile. “Let’s do dinner on Saturday then. We’d love to spend one on one time with you. Plus, I think Byeol would love that.”

“Me too. Let’s do it.”

“What about me?” Tae whines. “I want to spend more time with Byeol.”

Areum turns a stern look at Tae. “I know for a fact you have a GQ photoshoot that evening. There’s no way you’re getting out of it. Don’t pout. You don’t think I’ve become immune? Byeol has taught me resolve of steel.”

Tae makes a sad cry when Areum lifts a sleepy Byeol off him.

“Sorry, samchon. You can schedule a different day. I need to get oppa and this little one home and into bed. Say goodbye, Byeol.”

Byeol rubs her eyes and half-consciously waves. Your eyes catch Tae’s and you share a telepathic contemplation of kidnapping, but you’re scheming is interrupted by the sight of Jin kissing Byeol. With a sleight of hand you’re not normally capable of, you manage to take a picture in time. It’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen, and you secretly set it as your homescreen. Movement has you looking up as Areum starts moving away.

“Wait! Seokjung told me to give Byeol a kiss.” Areum pauses and kindly waits for you, her smile encouraging despite your outburst.

Byeol is already asleep in the stroller, hand clutching a blanket and mouth open in a soft o. You stroke her hair and press your lips to her soft cheek. “Sweet dreams, Byeol.”

You place your corsage next to her, petals brushing her hair. You know Tae won’t get mad at you for passing the gift on. It just feels right to do. The three of you watch Areum make her way out of the park, carefully pushing Byeol.

Your hair stands on end. Your heartbeat quickens and your body tenses, your gut clenching. You’re not sure why, until you spot people following Areum and Byeol. Your mind sounds an alarm, words like ‘stalker’, ‘sasaeng’, and ‘protect’ blaring. You move to chase after them, but Jin catches your naked wrist.

“It’s okay. Breathe, Y/N. They’re just bodyguards,” he explains. He rubs your wrist and takes a deep breath, showing you how to breathe. And now you see it, when Tae and Jin’s bodyguards nod to those people. You continue the deep, steady breaths, the ball of panic dissipating.

Tae tugs the hem of your sweater from your hand. You hadn’t even noticed you were fiddling with it. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m okay,” you answer weakly. You suddenly feel exhausted. Exhausted from a full day. A good day that you refuse to let the last thirty seconds ruin.

Jin shifts his hand to interlace your fingers. “Let’s go home.”

You nod and Tae loops your free arm into his, a note of whimsy in your steps as you all stroll home.

Previous Chapter <- - -> Next Chapter

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Taglist: @miksancheese @justamomnamedamie

#bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #not7wu #not7wu masterlist #not7wu fanfic #not7wu fanfiction #tonight #tonight by Jin #tonight by not7wu #jin fanfic #seokjin fanfic #seokjin x reader #seokjin x y/n

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aemiron-main · 2 years

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CW for talk of disordered eating regarding stranger things, this + any of my other posts regarding this topic are always tagged with “TW ed” and “TW food issues,” just so that you know!! Im going to be talking abt my opinions on mike’s possible eating issues and so heavy CW for this!!

I WILL say that while I absolutely think that Mike has food issues/disordered eating based on what we see in the show, I don’t think he has an ED that’s based on image/appearances. I think Mike’s eating issues, based on my own experiences/knowledge and what we see in the show, are more anxiety/depression/subconsciously seeking control based rather than rooted in distaste with his appearance.

I think it’s a mixture of self-neglect, lack of appetite from anxiety/depression and seeking control in his life, and I don’t think he has an ed in the typical “I’m aware that I have an ed even if I’m in denial about it being an ed and am consciously restricting” way. I think that subconsciously he feels more in-control of his life when he skips out of food, and that his anxiety and depression kill his appetite and because of his self-neglecting tendencies, he doesn’t take any initiative to eat if he doesn’t have an appetite.

I think that it started with “anxiety and depression kill his appetite” to “hes self-neglectful so he doesn’t eat if he’s not hungry and hes rarely hungry these days and doesn’t take the initiative to fix this,” to “subconsciously realizing that he gets a feeling of control from not eating AND it fuels his spiral into self-loathing esp pre s4, sort of like a subtle mindset of not deserving to eat and also being anxious about eating in front of people because of his fear of being judged but also doesn’t want them to realize anything’s wrong so he tries to grab food to make them think he’s eating”.

Mike also does seem to get nervous when people spring plans on him for food, so I definitely think it’s largely control related, esp considering his issues with change.

Because even though Mike’s been bullied for his appearance + the wheelers are big on appearances, he hasn’t been bullied about his body type specifically (the bullying was based more on his facial features) and he seems to respond to this with apathy and even loathing towards himself and writing himself off rather than trying to change/“”fix”” his appearance imo, which aligns with his eating behaviours being rooted in self-neglect/apathy, depression etc.

Long story short, in a weird roundabout way, I don’t think that mike’s as “aware” of his eating issues in the same way that someone with an active ed typically is (at least speaking from my own experiences- even if I wasn’t aware that my issues counted as a disorder, which j was not for a long time, I was still very very aware of my actions around food + active restriction in a way that I don’t think Mike quite is).

Because rather than seeming fixated and focused on food (which, yes, again in my experience having an ed doesn’t mean you never think about food and don’t want anything to do with it- quite the opposite actually, it actually sucks how MUCH you’re focused on it and can’t focus on anything else), Mike seems to be disinterested in it + only focuses on it a little bit when someone springs a change in food plans on him, which to me, indicates that rather than the typical fixation on food + restriction, mike’s issues are rooted in apathy/self neglect/anxiety AND the typical desire for control that comes with an ed, but not so much wanting control over his appearance as he does just generally wants a sense of control over his life + subconsciously realizes that he can get that in small doses by controlling what he eats.

Again, I don’t think mike’s as “aware,” of his food issues/I don’t think he’s actively fixated on food and restriction, I think it’s more along the lines of lack of appetite from depression/anxiety, self neglect, and his brain realizing that he can get bits of feeling in control of his life if he can control what he eats. Especially since, in my experience, restriction can numb emotions (after it initially makes you more emotional), so while I don’t think mike knows that/does it intentionally for that reason, I think his subconscious may have made that little connection between “don’t eat”-> “don’t feel as many things as strongly”.

It’s still an eating disorder/disordered eating, but I just wanted to point this out bc I’ve seen discussion about mike’s tendencies and I have some opinions tm about the nature of his issues especially since I think a lot of discussion of Eds, esp form the perspective of people who haven’t delay with them, gets wrapped up in this borderline romanticization of someone disliking their looks/their weight, which can absolutely be a part of it but is not always + eds can exist in various forms with various reasons. But yeah I really really don’t think that Mike has a “”typical”” “focused on food and restriction and aware of it,” ed.

#TW ed #stranger things #Mike wheeler #mike wheeler analysis #mike's mental health #mike's food issues #st analysis

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dylanisdazed · 10 months

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Hey y'all! So my next story is pretty heavy and despite the main character's name, it's fiction. That being said, it's an emotional first part for me--I'm not sure if that will carry through to the reader because I'm not a good writer, but it was very emotional for me to write. I've read and edited it several times and can't seem to get through it without crying. Again, I don't expect it to necessarily resonate as much with the reader.

Trigger Warning: This part deals with thoughts/stories of suicide.

Dylan’s bedroom was painted dark green and filled with plants and candles. The walls were lined with records and band posters. His nightstand was littered with prescription bottles—for his depression and anxiety. He was a very attractive, fit but thin boy, who was well-liked by all. But he saw the world differently and he very rarely liked what he saw. His shaggy dark brown hair often hid his almost black eyes and long dark eyelashes, much to his mother’s chagrin. His best friend Jack had just run up to his bedroom, which was over the family garage. It was raining heavily and thunder rumbled the earth as Dylan opened the door.

“Do you ever think about killing yourself?”

Dylan sat on the bed in his messy room, looking up at his friend as he stood there confused.

“What…? No.” Jack replied concerned.

Dylan looked down.

“Do you?” He asked.

“Yeah. I mean not realistically or anything but yeah, I do.”

Jack stared at him. “What the fuck man? You can’t just say shit like that.”

“Yeah, well actually I can say it and people should say it. It’s just a lot of things I guess.” Dylan continued to look at the ground.

“What kind of things?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I feel things more than others. You know that.”

Jack stared at him.

“It feels like nobody really cares.”

“Dude, what are you talking about? You have tons of people who care about you. Everyone at school loves you and you’re my favorite person on the planet.”

“Yeah. I’m not even talking about me necessarily, just in general. People pretend to care. People are always fucking pretending. They see some sad story about an abused puppy on Twitter, tear up, wonder how somebody could do that, and then scroll on. Move on with their day. They never think about it again. Then they like some post that makes fun of someone else because they are different from them. Or some issue they don’t understand. People are liars and they’re cruel.”

“What does that have to do with anything, Dylan? What does that have to do with you? There have always been assholes in the world and there always will be. It sucks, but it’s how it is.”

“Yeah. I guess maybe I wonder if I want to live in a world like that then, ya know? You remember Becky, from school? She killed herself because people made fun of her weight.”

“I know. It wasn’t that long ago.”

“Just every day, non-stop, people would crack jokes about her. People would put her down, over and over and then she goes and hangs herself alone in her room and of course, the town is shocked but I wasn’t.”

Dylan started crying uncontrollably with his voice trembling but continued, “Then the whole fucking town has a fake ass memorial, and teachers talk about the severity of bullying and then a month later nobody gives a fuck about Becky. I didn’t go to that memorial. We weren’t really friends but we had some nice talks. I couldn’t go to that memorial because I knew half of the fucking kids there, holding candles, and praying, were the same ones who called her names. They were the same ones who hurt her, over and over and over. They made her life a living hell. And for what? Tell me, for WHAT?”

“I don’t know.”

“Those kids are gonna continue on, graduate, go to college, get married, and have kids, all while Becky is rotting six feet under. She’s a rotting corpse. Nothing happens to them. Absolutely no consequences. And it’s not just Becky--that’s the thing. It happens every day, all over this goddamn world; good people, kind people, creative people, smart people, and funny people, who are a little bit different or don’t fit some narrative get bullied and harassed. Not all of them commit suicide, but I know it still fucking hurts.”

“Man, I don’t know what to say to you.” Jack wiped away tears.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Wiping tears away, eyelashes dripping.

“You are a deeply loving person and that’s a good thing. It’s a great thing. You care about other people even if it doesn’t affect you and that’s so rare, Dylan.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, and the world needs people like you.” Jack put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “The world needs heroes and loving people like you to save us from the bullies; the monsters.”

“No, they don’t. Nobody listens.”

You can continue part one on my patreon.

#dylanisdazed #dylie #patreon

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sanriopropaganda · 2 months

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vent under the cut

ive had two best friends in my life, one from elementary to high school who moved away when we were 14 and we grew apart, and the other i met in my freshman year of college who dropped me for a romantic partner. i haven’t been able to find anyone since.

i have close friends, i even have people i might consider some of my best friends, but those people have their own best friend, and it’s not me. im not apart of a friend group, i mostly just bounce around from hangout to hangout. i interact with people a lot! im friends with a good number of people! i just. don’t have that one person that everyone else seems to.

i thought i had found a good group of girls that could maybe be a friend group since i don’t have one since moving back home. they were already friends, and i met them through a mutual friend that was also fairly new to the group. i was just scrolling on instagram today and i saw that there was a birthday party i wasn’t invited to that i just. had to find out through social media had happened. even the newer person was invited.

and maybe i had overinflated my position, or maybe i saw or felt something that wasn’t mutual, but after being invited to other gatherings and parties with the full group, it hurt! and then i started thinking about how they dont really talk to me outside of those hangouts. and there was a group chat they forgot to add me to (whether or not it was purposeful or not i don’t know). i thought maybe we would talk more as time went on, and ive tried to initiate those conversations, but. it’s never worked out.

and ik no one is obligated to hang out with me, ik no one is obligated to invite me to anything, especially since we haven’t known each other for a full year. but it just sucks bc like. im never anyone’s person. im no one’s best friend. people aren’t really jumping at the chance to be with me. i feel like the same lonely kid i always have been.

and it also just feels like. all for nothing? ive done so much work. i try really hard to be someone people like. i think im personable and nice and funny and people say i come off as confident. i dress nicely, i try to talk to people, i try to be supportive and there for others when they need to vent. ive changed so much. im no longer that shy awkward teen i once was, and thats great! i have my moments bc of social anxiety, but i have done a lot to be someone that people want to be around. and of course i have my flaws and things i try to work on but. it all just feels like it’s for nothing. bc im still that kid that doesn’t have a lunch table to sit at. and i feel like im letting myself down.

but even then i feel like it’s all fake. i don’t know where the real me ends and the mask begins. how much of me being a good person is me? how much of it is what i think other people want to see? i don’t know! but sometimes i think. that mask may slip, and i say something weird, or im a little too loud, or i get too excited and i talk too much, or i get too comfortable and i think someone may like me for me! and they don’t.

and ik the reaction to that may be “well you need to know yourself before you can be loved”. i don’t know if that’s ever going to happen! i truly don’t! ive been mentally ill and lonely my whole life. and they just. feed into each other. idk how to separate the loneliness from myself, I don’t know what it means to not feel like this. but does that mean i don’t deserve to love and be loved? aren’t there other people who have found connections and joy and love while being like me? what is it about me that is so repugnant? i try really hard, i genuinely do, i go to therapy and i only sometimes take my meds but i am genuinely really trying and i dont know why im not getting anywhere. but i want to be better, i really do! even with the depression, and the anxiety, and the bpd, i really do try.

i just want to be someone people genuinely truly like and want to be around. i want to meet people and have them think “wow i want to be her friend”. i want to not get dropped for other people. i want to be someone’s first choice. but im not. i want to have a group of people, and even just one, that i think of and who thinks of me when those silly memes of “me and the girls” pop up.

and sometimes i wonder if im just destined to be alone. it really sucks, but i wish some cosmic entiry or god or something would tell me that that’s just the way i am. and that i should just stop trying bc it’ll never matter anyway. it would make it hurt less. but there is no cosmic entity and there is no god and there is no here’s the life ive always dreamed of i will make it mine. it’s just being alone.

so im stuck. trying and failing and wondering what’s wrong with me. maybe im really not as great at being a person as i thought. maybe i am still just ugly and weird and it eventually shows. but i keep trying because thats all i know how to do. until the cosmic entity or god or whoever shows up and tells me to stop.

i really just want to run away a lot of the time. if i moved to some new city far away then i still wouldn’t have friends but i would have an excuse! but i can’t bc i don’t know how and im scared. im really scared that nothing will ever change and ill die alone. probably by my own hand if it gets much worse. but im scared of that too.

#personal #tw ideation #i don’t ever post personal really but. feels good to scream into the void ig

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ninasbooknook · 2 months

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vent post 🫶🏼 (tw skin picking, ocd, anxiety, mention of blood)

2 weeks ago i started taking adhd medication. this is my first time on this type of medication so i expected some new side effects but i feel like my mental health has changed sort of drastically since i started taking them. i have had a past of OCD traits but i have never been tested. i have an anxiety disorder and i haven’t been fully diagnosed but i am taking medication for that and my depression.

so my anxiety has spiked since taking the adhd medication. before the medication i was actually doing really well with anxiety and depression. i hadn’t had that general anxiety feeling in a long time. and then it came back. yk that feeling where you feel anxious/worried but you don’t have anything in particular that you’re worried about? that’s what i mean by “general anxiety feeling”. so that was one of the first signs of my anxiety spiking bc it was just there. i could sense it. next was the nausea. i have different feelings of nausea and i have been able to label all of them over the years. the nausea i have been feeling is my well known anxiety nausea. again, there was nothing making me worried. although i was starting to get a little worried around this time because i was really struggling with communication so it was hard to tell people how i was feeling. it’s made my social life really hard. but i wasn’t necessarily overthinking this when i got that anxiety nausea. next was the obsession with my fingers. i could not stop picking the skin around my nails. i hate the little bits of skin that stick out. it looked bad and it made me uncomfortable somehow. so i’d pick it. and i’d pick it again and again until all my fingers had scabs/infection or were bleeding. i felt so bad. i didn’t want to keep picking but i couldn’t help it. even though it made me feel worse for picking my skin, it make me feel a bit better. it relieves some of the anxiety. that’s how i felt at least. it was a distraction from the things around me. i realised i actually liked the pain sometimes. this worried me. i’m not the type of person that hurts themselves as a coping mechanism. but the pain felt good. like i deserved it.

i started using the app “i am sober”. it’s been sort of helpful. so today i was so close to reaching the 3rd day milestone. i was so proud of myself. at school i planned with my bf to go to his house. one, because i love hanging out with him and two, i never feel anxious at his house and atm i’ve been opting for the “stress-free” option ofc. turns out i couldn’t come over. i was really disappointed but i sucked it up and went home. me and my bf were kind of pissed and i felt like he was a bit annoyed at me which didn’t make me feel any better (he wasn’t annoyed at me btw). i get home and i remember that i broke a nail at school and my nails are uneven now. as much as i’ve been trying to avoid going anywhere near my finger nails, i realise my finger nails are getting in the way of my mouse pad giving my finger tips a weird feeling.

fast forward 3 hours. i spent 3 fucking hours, trimming, cutting and filing my nails. i picked at the sides of my fingers with the nail clippers trying to remove any dead skin that might show up later (which i hate). i attempted to remove my cuticles because i just couldn’t get them even. i picked at the side of one of my fingers so much it began to bleed. i hated myself. i realised then that i’d lost my streak of not picking my skin. i had been doing so well and then i ruin it all. which is untrue, i didn’t really ruin it all. but that’s how i felt. still, i kept picking. it had been around 2 hours and i hadn’t even finished a whole hand of fingers. by 3 hours i’d completed one hand. the only thing that stopped me from continuing my picking was the call that dinner was being served and after dinner my bf called me. he knew i wasn’t ok. i wanted to leave the call but he begged me to stay. i can’t say no to him. the feeling that i need to finish the other hand is still lingering in the back of my mind but i don’t want to upset or disappoint my bf.

tonight i felt like hurting myself. there were scissors on my bed i used on my nails earlier. i imagined what it would feel like on my skin. i hate myself for admitting that i was going to hurt myself if my bf wasn’t on the phone with me at the time. i pray i wouldn’t have been brave enough to do it anyway. i felt like i deserved it. to be in pain.

anyways my lovely bf made me feel better just be being there. we didn’t talk, he listened to me and when i stopped talking we sat in silence. but he was there and that’s what matters. if we wasn’t there i might have done something id extremely regret. i also think i might have had a panic attack if he wasn’t there to calm me down. i love him 🫶🏼

i realised later that when i wanted to go to my bf's house it was like my body was warning me that the anxiety was going to be bad. that the picking was going to be bad. it's not bad at his house so my brain wanted to go there. maybe i'm reading into this too much but the way i felt when i realised ii couldn't go to his house wasn't just disappointment. it was worry and stress. i felt like i needed to go to his house.

if you read all of this, bless your heart 😭🫶🏼 if you have any similar experiences or thoughts on this lmk!! could this be ocd or is it something else?

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ﾟ。 - nina's book nook 　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

#girlhood #hell is a teenage girl #girlblogging #anxitey #actually ocd #tw depressing thoughts #self h@rm #i love him #sober #girl blogger #vent post #actually adhd

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discoveringmyselfagain · 3 months

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Tattoo and nose pricing day. ❤️

The last 365 days have been one hell of a journey. Through the good, bad, and downright ugly I’ve gone through a metamorpnisis im exceptionally grateful for.

Life went from the thing I HAVE to do to the gift I GET to participate in. It’s the thing I thank God for everyday rather than cursing them for allowing me to wake up again.

At the start of and for the better part of 2023 I was desperately suicidal. I was managing crippling anxiety and deep depression. Add insomnia in there and it’s safe to say I wasn’t doing particularly well internally.

Anxiety and panic were at a place I was unable to sleep in my bed. The movement of my mattress triggered more anxiety. Crazy. Yes. But it’s where I was at. I laid on my floor with my weighted blankets praying not to wake the next day. Life felt immensely bleak. Suicidal thoughts were intense, ever present, and increasingly violent. It’s not been until additional medication was added to my routine that offered me the gift of a quiet mind I’ve been able to process how dark, scary, and small my world became.

With therapy, being compliant with meds, and faith, I’m learning what it means to stay. To live. To live life on my terms rather than on dying terms. I’m learning what it means to experience joy, happiness, and even sadness. I’m learning to lean into the light, to lean into life. Just as vines reach towards the light.

So a vine is now ever present on my arm. The reminder that I, too can lean towards the light. Towards life. Toward God.

Staying is a powerful choice. One that can be both scary and beautiful.

I certainly don’t have all the answers but I can continue to be grateful to God for the light.

Some days still really really suck and I want nothing more than to be dead. But I know that those days won’t last forever. I can struggle and be grateful for the light. Both and; none of this either or shit.

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floral-hex · 8 months

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real depressing, probably delete when I’m not miserable and about to fall asleep

Ummm how do trigger warnings work here… tw: substance abuse. Alcohol. Uhhhhmmm just general sad times.

I’ve been thinking a lot about drinking again. Not that I was ever an alcoholic, but… maybe I was a little. I get a little loose with anything that makes me feel good. Long story short, apropos of nothing, I got drunk one New Year’s Eve a couple years back. It was nice. Then I kept getting drunk once or twice or thrice every week for a year before I decided it wasn’t worth it any more. Stopped being as effective, made me gain a bunch of weight, and was just all around a pricey habit. So… I mean, why would I think about doing that to myself again?

Life fucking sucks. A lot. My mom is slowly dying, some days worse than others. I’m so drained and exhausted and I hate this. She’s been in the hospital for about a week now, her second extended hospital stay in two months. I don’t know how to cope with this. I’m taking care of my brothers right now and it’s just so much. Cleaning, shopping, making sure they eat, taking care of them, the animals, everything, driving to see my mom who’s almost an hour away. I’m emotionally exhausted and I feel so alone and scared and to add on to that my hearing started to get muffled today and I’m worried another wave of intermittent hearing loss is coming on. It makes me feel so closed off. I’m trapped. I feel trapped and suffocating and scared and my mom is dying and I’m so alone and don’t know what to do and I just want something that will, even temporarily, take some of that away. I used my last klonopin today and it didn’t do much of anything for me. I just want to get so fucked up out of my mind that I can’t worry about anything. I’m barely sleeping. I’m so tired. I just want to be held. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be okay, even if it won’t. I just want someone to lie to me and comfort me for a little while. I’m so scared. I don’t know how to do this. I can do this because I have to. I don’t know how, though. I’m just flinging myself forward, or the world is pushing me forward, I can’t tell the difference right now. I hate saying all of this. I feel so needy. I know I’m allowed to be needy. My therapist gets on to me for always qualifying what I’m saying or down playing or ignoring my feelings, but I feel like such a burden when I complain. I don’t want to be selfish. I’ll suffer in silence all day, I don’t want to add more stress to everyone else. I have to be a rock. I have to be steadfast. I don’t know where to put it down. I don’t know where to rest myself. There is no where. There is nothing. My ears are full of droning noise and I’m in this dark room and I feel so cut off from the world. Like I’m in a small dark box and outside the box I know my life is falling apart but I just can’t quite make out what’s happening. I can’t see but shadows through dark glass. I want to stop feeling like this.

So I’ve been thinking about alcohol. and weed. and whining on some dating app about wanting to make out. I took a vistaril earlier, too, but it really didn’t do anything for me. It’s not an anxiety attack, it’s… it’s the void. and sadness. and stress. and loneliness. It’s too heavy. It’s too much.

I just need to sleep. What a loser.

#might probably most likely will delete this in the morning #then why post it?#maybe for catharsis #and reading this again in half a dozen hours might bring a new perspective to everything #naps and time can provide insight #you can ignore this #you should ignore this #alcohol mention #drug mention #lonely sad boy mention #sad times #hi I’m Ian. I have intermittent hearing loss and my mother is dying. I’m just a big ol mess.#im falling asleep #or I should be. I need to be. I will be.#I have such a hard time making myself sleep #I just want all this free time to myself but then I avoid sleep and it makes everything else worse #I have to get up in 4 hours to get my brothers ready for school #god I need a long hug #I would 100% cry if someone hugged me #also I need to make out and maybe get high but that’s all superfluous wishful thinking #I’ll be good substitute that with… uhhh… chinese food and the daily disappointing wank 😬🫤#too many tags. I ramble. any chance to really talk and I open up and let loose #I’m sorry #this was dumb.

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afellow-simp · 1 year

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“It’s the end of the line Ms.” A hoarse, but somehow still soothing, voice yelled out. I had almost forgotten that I’d been on the bus. “Back door, please.” The air outside is cold and frosty; snowflakes almost feel like a knife cutting into the pores of my skin. A thick untouched blanket of snow coated the streets, only thing lighting them up was the dim hue coming from the streetlights. Some were flickering, others were strong and bright. It was beautiful, the languidness of it all. The blue from the sky and the yellow lights blur together and contrast with elegance. The walk will surely be a long one but I don’t mind. I enjoy the quiet haze the night brings.

It’s only when I got into my apartment and closed the door behind me that I remember the severity of the pain my monsters could truly bring me. Their inky forms always rearing their ugly heads in those brief seconds when the door shuts and I’m left alone. The reality of the world seeping in my skin and the feeling of truly being alone steals the air from my lungs. Their clawed fingers ripping it out of me and they leave me gasping like a man drawn at sea. Those few seconds plead for my surrender. To let it consume me. Sometimes I swear I hear voices whispering the sooner that I give into them, the sooner the pain will end. The sooner everything will be lifted off my shoulders and I’ll be okay.

It’s suffocating, the shadows constantly sweeping away the space around me. Leaving me to curl into a ball in hopes to get away. At times even the outside seems murky. I’d watch as the once vibrant colors in the world turn muted. Growing darker and darker and sometimes I wonder if the sun was even shining on me at all. Sometimes the thought of getting help would cross my mind. To tell someone of the pain I held inside. Held so deep but still almost overflowing. I desperately want someone who I could be myself around. Someone who could love me. Who could love all of me. But I can only hope. Hope that anxiety will leave me and I can talk about these things.

How is it that I can care about nothing but everything at the same time? How can depression and anxiety mix into one thing? Two things that could be considered complete opposites mixing into one mind bustling and sucking the life out of someone. There are days where I don’t eat, not having the energy nor mindset to make anything. Over the years my body turned frail. I’d say I had gotten unusually pale compared to my oh so vibrant peers. They’re skin glowed like they were rubbing in the fact they had what I always wanted. I wonder if they are really as stupidly oblivious as they seem or if they really couldn’t see. Maybe they did know but didn’t want to deal with it. It’s sickening but I can’t blame them. I mean, I’m just as bad as them. At least they don’t pretend to care. At least they don’t pull people into a false sense of security just because they want to seem normal, to be normal. If they were to put their effort into my feelings they would just come out stained. Perhaps my dirtiness will infect them. And I don’t even have the guts anyway, not to trust someone enough to let them because the chance of them leaving is too high. If they leave it’ll just be worse so I’ll act. I’ve been doing it for so long. What's the harm in a few more years?

I don’t remember taking off my shoes but I feel the cold under my feet. The rest of my body feels numb if it weren’t for the coolness of the soles of my feet I would have thought I was floating. I navigate through the darkness of my apartment, passing the back of my couch and stumbling into the kitchen. There’s only a dim light illuminating from the window that is placed to the left of the kitchen sink. I always wondered why there would be a sink so oddly placed and especially in an apartment that wasn’t the ground floor. But that’s the owner of the building and the architect's problem. The inside of my body seems to be more awake than the outside when I take a sip of the cold water from my glass. The piercing liquid slides down my throat with tranquility washing over the walls of my stomach with coolness. Walking into my bedroom I fall onto the chill fluffy blankets. They bounce and fall hugging my body, almost sucking me into the slumber I needed. All of the tension that I once held in my back released and sigh with every pop. I wish I could just sleep now but I need to start putting effort into my appearance.

Shambling into the bathroom I place myself in front of the sink looking into the mirror. Was my hair falling out? Patches of balding skin sit on my skull like it only grew in thin strands. I open my mouth in confusion for a split moment and a few teeth fall out in the sink. Nails that I was sure were there looked different now. Some were hanging off and some were gone completely leaving smooth skin under. In the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a boney figure who looked as if they were wearing my missing body parts. I shot my head towards the thing but it was gone. I look back at myself in the mirror taking a closer look at my teeth; licking at the empty space that resided between others. Rubbing the soft skin of my nail beds and running my fingers through the thin strands and patches of hair I had left. I know the thing is still watching my every move but I’m too captivated in my own appearance to care. Had I always looked like this? Did everyone notice and just decided not to make an effort to inform me? To leave me walking around like this, deteriorating.

I don’t know when I had gotten to my bed but I woke up suddenly. The room is chilly and unbearably still and I can’t move. My limbs feel like they are filled with lead and falling in the depths of the ocean. And that thing, that thing is at my feet. I can see now it’s ugly face with the patches of my hair sitting up top its head. Its eyes too big for its face. Its mouth holds not only my teeth but its own sharp jagged ones. It starts to crawl onto my bed and I can’t move. I can’t get away. I can see its face a little better now that it's on top of me and I see the curiosity in its eyes. It picks up one of my fingers and rips it off with a crack, attempting to replace theirs with mine. It takes one of my ears next, then my tongue. It keeps taking pieces of me, trying to wear me. When my eyes wander away from it I can see that it didn’t come alone. I want to cry for help. I should have cried for help.

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lovemesomesurveys · 1 year

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[joybucket @ bzoink] What does the shirt you are wearing look like? I’m wearing a coral Adidas t-shirt dress. What was the last thing that stressed you out or upset you? My life and health related issues have been really stressing me out lately. A lot more than usual, which is a lot.

How do you stay positive with all that life throws at you? I don’t. I don’t do well at all when I’m going through shit. I take medications to try and help with that, but even still it’s not an end all, be all. It’s still a struggle. My doctor just prescribed me something else in addition to the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med I’ve already been taking. I mean, the truth of the matter is these meds aren’t going to make my issues go away. I may just become numb to it or not feel like crying everyday, but the problems are still there. Maybe they’ll even bring my mood up a little, but not much. None of the meds I’ve had this far have vastly made a difference. With my current meds, not including the new one cause I haven’t taken it yet, I will say that for awhile I wasn’t feeling as agitated, irritated, or constantly on the verge of tears. That was a big deal for me cause for so long that’s how I felt all the time. I was just miserable. I felt a little less crappy. I also just felt numb I guess cause even stuff that I was stressing about my mind wouldn’t let me focus on it enough. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I’m just saying I still wasn’t happy and I’m still not. For awhile now the irritation, frustration, and low sadness has come back strong. I’m back to feeling on the verge of tears all the time. It sucks. I’m praying that this new medicine in addition to what I’m already taking will do something more. I don’t want to feel so miserable and sad all the time. I want to experience some joy again. I used to have a good sense of humor and laugh a lot, but I haven’t really laughed like that like I used to in such a long time. I don’t know what I’m blabbering on about at this point and I went on a big tangent, but this is what is on my brain right now so here ya go. What quality do you admire most in other people? I admire people who do manage to handle stressful situations well and don’t let shit keep them down. I admire people who are motivated, driven, and ambitious. I admire hardworking people. I admire people who are so kind and thoughtful. What is the highest level of physical pain you have ever been in? rate 1-10 >> I have never been able to rate pain on a scale. I legitimately do not understand how to do that. <<< Yeah, I hate that shit. I’ve been asked that countless time as someone who’s had to go to numerous doctor appointments and had her share of hospital stays and procedures. You get asked that constantly and I’m like, I don’t knowwwww. I hurt. That’s what I know. ...same question, but with emotional pain? -- What is your most prized possession? Hmm. Which youtuber do you feel like you could be friends with easily? I think maybe with Steph Pappas. Do you like your natural hair color? No. I wish I had a lighter color or the shade of red I was dyeing my hair for several years. Do you think you will dye your hair when you start going gray? I’ve been dyeing my hair since middle school, so I’ll definitely be dyeing when it goes gray. Though, sadly, I’ve had grays since the second I turned 30. I haven’t dyed my hair since February 2020 and it showsssss. Too many grays, it drives me nuts. Are you pale right now, or do you have a tan? I’m definitely not as pale as I used to be. I actually was more gray at one point. I have a little color to me now. Although, the reason I was so pale before turned out to be for several very serious reasons, so thankfully we got that sorted out. Do you think you look best with a tan? I do prefer to have some color. What is your favorite app on your phone? TikTok and the Kindle app. How old were you when you got your first smartphone? I think I was 15. Do you ever meditate on Scripture? Yes. Are you living a life you want to escape from? or do you love your life? I do wish I could escape the stuff I’m going through right now. When was the last time you felt that life was good? Uhhhhhhh. Do you have one big mistake that you've made that you want to fix? Oh, most definitely. Hands down. I truly wish I could have that opportunity. Do you wish people would forgive you for your past so you could move on? I’m not seeking anyone’s forgiveness. Do you wear green on St. Patrick's day? I don’t make a big thing about it anymore, but it was fun when I was a kid. Are you Irish at all? I do have some Irish. Do you pray to God every day? No, but that’s something I want to do. What are three things you are currently looking forward to doing soon? I don’t have anything coming up to look forward to. Do you ever dance in the rain? No. Have you ever sat on a rooftop? No, and I never would. I’d be way too scared. Who is that last good musician or band you discovered? I don’t recall. The past several years I haven’t been into music as much as I used to. There were a couple years where I like didn’t listen to music at all. My Spotify wrapped had nothing, haha. I’ve been listening to it more often this past year, but still not a lot. For most of my life prior I always listened to music. I couldn’t go a day without it. I don’t know what happened, honestly. Do you like to watch talent shows like America's Got Talent and X Factor? Yeah, like The Voice. I haven’t watched the past couple seasons, though. Have you ever tried avocado toast? I actually haven’t. I didn’t get on with the trend, but I’m sure I’d like it. Name three items on your wish list right now. I just want to get better and travel. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stuck in this damn bed. I feel like Grandpa Joe from Charlie in the Chocolate Factory. I hope I’ll be able to do things again and feel decent before I’m an old woman.... Are you more talented musically or artistically or neither? Neither, sadly. I’m lame. Are you better at English or math? English. I’ve always been horrible at math. What were your best subjects in school? English. What was your favorite subject in school? English, go figure. Have you ever visited a teacher at their home? I didn’t visit them, but I had a professor who held a lecture at his house once and served lunch. I’m not quite sure why, but it was okay. How many windows are in your bedroom? One. Who was your first roommate? I’ve never had a roommate. Who was your first best friend (besides a sibling)? These two girls when I was in preschool, Crystal and Starr. Do you have a sibling who looks like you? My brothers and I have similar features of course, but I don’t think you’d know right off the bat we were related. It’s crazy how some families have super strong genes and you just know right away they’re from the same family. Like actual clones. Name three women you know who have lost a child. What kind of question is this. Whose was the last funeral you attended or watched? My grandpa’s. What types of cancer are in your family, if any? I know melanoma is. Do you have big dreams for your future? No. :/ My future looks bleak. Do you feel alone? I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately. What is this month's calendar picture? I don’t have a calendar. What is the theme of your wall calendar for this year? -- Have you ever seen a double rainbow? Yes. How old will you be on your next birthday? 34. Which nationalities have you been told you look like? (i.e., Asian, Irish) Fliipino and Mexican. Both of which I am. Have you ever had an outstanding library fine? Nope. What book are you currently reading? The Girl and the Winter Bones by AJ Rivers. Are you poor/broke right now? No. I’m not rich either. Do you hate social classes? What do you mean? Like ones who require a lot of discussion? If so, then yes. I hated those type of classes. Seminar courses were the worst cause it was all discussion based. Have you ever received any scary, threatening messages on social media? No. Who was your first kiss? My boyfriend at the time. Do you feel you have found your soulmate yet? No. I did think I actually had found “the one” at one point. What a joke. Are you single or in a relationship? I’m extremely single. If you're single, do you want to be, or do you wish you weren't? I want to be and it’s for the best. Ever collected shells at the beach? Yeah. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? I’d just paint one at this point cause I don’t have the energy to carve one. It’s hard and takes a long time. Especially cleaning out all the goop. Besides, I always ended up doing the same typical triangle eyes and a goofy smile that had a few teeth. Who are three of your favorite youtubers to watch? I have so many favorites. What year did you graduate high school? 2008. What do you miss about high school? I liked the pep rallies and some of the assemblies. What do you miss about college? I really enjoyed being in the psych club. I was even a board member, which was cool. We did a lot of fun things. What color was your first car? I haven’t had a car. Do you have a car now? No. What color was the house you grew up in? Beige. Growing up, what floor was your bedroom on? I’ve always lived in a single story home. What is your birth order in the family? I’m a middle kid. What would your name be if you were the opposite gender? My mom had said Jesse. What were you almost named? I’m not sure. Does your bedroom have carpet? Yes. Best camping experience? I’ve never gone camping. I have no desire to do so. What are the top three travel destinations on your bucket list? There’s so manyyyy. Plus, I’m so stir crazy right now and just want to go somewhere. Do you get heartburn? Bleh, yes. Not fun. What are three things you are known for in your town? >> I live in a city, not a small town, so... nothing. I am just an average person amongst hundreds of thousands of other average people <<< What are three things you are known for on social media? I mean, on this blog I’m known for doing surveys. And complaining about my life, ha. What is your Instagram account name? I don’t want to give that out. Have you ever used Snapchat? Yeah, I’ve had Snapchat for several years. I rarely go on it anymore, though. Did you want to be famous when you were younger? When I was a kid I kind of did. I used to practice writing my signature like I was signing autographs lol. What show did you most want to be on as a kid? Like shows on Nickelodeon and Disney. First celebrity you were obsessed with? Aaron Carter when I was 9. First celebrity crush? ^^^ He was also my first celebrity crush. What was your first favorite stuffed animal? Hm. I’m not sure what I’d say was my first favorite. What was something unique about you as a kid? I don’t feel anything was unique about me. Were you ever goth/emo? I had my emo phase. Though, I’d say it wasn’t really just a phase let’s be real. Forever emo, even if I don’t have the “look” or anymore or wear the same things. Do you want any more piercings? I kind of do, but I’m too scared to ever get anything done. How many tattoos do you have? Zero. Do you want more tattoos? I don’t have any to start with. If you had to get a tattoo, what would you get? I’ve wanted ‘free bird’ for many, many years. Do you mostly write in cursive or print? I write in print unless I’m signing something. Were you ever homeschooled? Well, I had to do the independent study thing when I had to miss several months of school due to surgeries and long hospital stays. One of those times when I was in the 6th grade my teacher would come over a couple times a week to help me with homework. Describe your dream wedding in five words. I’ve never put a whole lot of thought into that. I wasn’t the girl who dreamt of her wedding day all her life. I honestly don’t even ever see myself getting married. Pick three animals that you think resemble you, and why? I don’t think any animals resemble me. Are you unique? No. Do you get called a free spirit? No. What day of the week were you born on? I think it was a Tuesday. How are you feeling right now? Crappy as always.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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