#...and i just. it upsets me because i'm on testosterone... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

genderkoolaid · 2 months

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something ive noticed as a very effeminate trans masc that dresses pretty androgynous & has been on hrt for many years is that the status of being a "dangerous man" can and will be placed on you (ime most often by cis white women) whenever expressing any kind of negative feelings. if i told friends of mine - even queer ones - that something they did hurt my feelings or made me upset, i was suddenly a dangerous man or a (man)ipulator or whatever - even if i didn't raise my voice. the very fact that i am unhappy combined with my proximity to manhood makes me a supposed threat in their eyes.

a couple years ago i had a group of cis girl friends. they would constantly pull me into women's bathrooms n such so i wouldn't be left behind saying its fine its fine bc im one of the girls (gender neutral) but then as soon as i was upset about something i was suddenly a dangerous man who needed to stay out of women's spaces,,,, despite the fact that of the 4 of us, the girl who joined after me was the one spreading this shit around my friend group so... how was i encroaching on womens spaces if i was there before her and i was invited in? luckily one of my friends told me that the other two were plotting to kick me out of my friend group on the sole basis of my proximity to manhood so i at least knew why they were suddenly treating me like shit

its just.. i cant understand why people dont think trans mascs and trans men are discriminated against when they literally said it was my "toxic man energy" that made them want me out WHILE ALSO being the ones convincing me to go into womens spaces bc they wanted to go somewhere and didnt wanna have to leave me behind & like i said im extremely effeminate and faggy and also NONBINARY so i dont understand what "man energy" they were talking about other than the fact that im on testosterone and thinking testosterone = man is just transphobic no matter how you try to twist it

but my taking testosterone was never a problem or made me evil or scary when they wanted me to go with them into women-only (&nonbinary too i guess unless youre amab (and they can tell) or been on testosterone for too long) spaces, it was only a problem when they wanted 1. a reason to criticise me relentlessly, borderline bullying or 2. a reason to dismiss any of my concerns or criticisms of their treatment of me

all of that, to me, is transandrophobia point blank. i dont know what else you could call it other than transphobia, but transphobia doesn't address any of the very blatant and obvious connection of how my transness affects their perception of my proximity to manhood and how that affected the situation

God that sucks. I'm sorry you went through that.

You make a very good point. This is why I don't want to define transandrophobia/ATM as just transphobia and misogyny directed at transmascs. I still think transunity theory is a really valuable way of looking at transphobia & its important to me that we are vocal about how masculine tropes are weaponized against trans people by cis people on the regular because of how we are positioned in relation to gender. Too many people think the that the only thing wrong with saying trans people have "dangerous male energy" is that its misgendering. So trans people who choose to associate themselves with manhood are left in the trash by the people who should know best how much being made out to be a Dangerous Male Invader hurts!

#m.#ask box #experiences with transandrophobia

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sleepyboywrites · 1 year

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Creepypasta Fluff Headcanons for Trans!Male Reader Pt. 1 (Being a boy on his Period)

Because it's nearing that time again and being a boy on his period sucks ass. I'm making this to provide some comfort! For myself as a trans man and hopefully you too. This takes place with established and healthy relationships. Or as healthy as relationships with these characters come.

Tw: Possessive behavior, not necessarily wanted affection, rough contact, references to slight verbal abuse.

Eyeless Jack

• Run. Run right in the opposite direction if he hasn't eaten in a bit/is agitated. You will make him hungry due to his blood lusting demonic nature and he's not very friendly when he's hungry.

• You already aren't feeling great so if you go to him in that state anyways expect to be more uncomfortable albeit supported as a half-apology.

• If he has been satiated and is calm you may proceed to tell your demonic boyfriend that your cycle has begun and you are distressed and dysphoric about it.

• Cuddle bug. Like sits you directly into his lap and burries his face in your neck. Telling you words of encouragement. Think "I'm so sorry Baby boy." and "You're so strong y/n. One of the strongest men I know, I mean other men can't live through bleeding for 4-7 days on average."

• He's a med student so he knows the best ways to help with cramps and the physical pains that come with a menstrual cycle.

• He also gives you high testosterone foods and encourages you to wear one of his shirts and your boxers over your underwear to help with the dysphoria aspect. But he won't let you bind if your chest area gets sensitive.

• Tries to distract you and keep you as comfortable as possible

• Extremely protective during this time. He has a lot of self control but his instincts are still spiking under the surface screaming at him to lock you up/protect you. His emotional attachment to you paired with his constant hunger leave him clinging to your side and glaring at anyone else who approaches/gives you a weird look. Attacking anyone who hurts you emotionally or otherwise.

• Honestly a bit feral in a way akin to nesting.

• Insists on taking walks together once a day.

Laughing Jack

• A bit confused at first in his eyes he has erased any of your perceived biological imperfections.

• Hits you with the "But you are a boy" when you tell him you're feeling dysphoric and crying. "One who's very very important to me as well so please don't cry."

• Gives you your favorite candies and sweets

• Rubs your back when you're curled over in pain and sings you songs to help you calm down.

• Takes you to his amusement park and takes you on all your favorite rides and shows you all your favorite shows

•Always introducing the act as "Dedicated to the best boy in the world/my Favorite boy."

• Essentially his mentality is "I'm going to make sure this boy has so much fun he forgets the torment of having his brain stuck in the wrong body."

• And it fucking works. He has you laughing so hard that you can't tell where the stomach ache ends and the cramps begin.

• He likes to play "dress-up" in the sense where he has an array of gender affirming costumes and each day he insists you choose from the extensive array because even if you don't feel well at the moment doesn't mean you have to be reduced to a puddle of stained oversized clothes. He was always one for theatrics.

• If you say you really aren't up to dressing up he'll bring out an array of hoodies, baggy tees, shorts, sweats, or jeans instead.

• Genuinely just trying to distract and cheer you up

Ben Drowned

• Pretends to not know what you're talking about or why you're so upset. "Bro I assure you no one cares?" Followed by a long silence as he stares at you followed with "We all still view you the same, man."

• Then promptly refuses to leave your side

• Think anything from lurking in nearby electronics to straight up following you around everywhere.

• If a mission comes up he'll take you with him and make up some sort of excuse like he needs your help and your avatar is better abled than you physically. Alternatively if you have a mission he'll grab you and say he's coming with, before dragging you with him.

• Makes sure everyone is careful around you. No roughhousing or insults. Not at this time even if you protest.

• You had to break up a fight with the intent to maim once because Jeff had called you a "Pussy" in an attempt to agrivate you to change your mind about not being up for training today. Ben who had been lurking nearby lunged at him and you had to break the two apart.

• So much Gatorade. This boy makes you drink so much Gatorade.

• He also has a collection of snacks you normally crave and hoodies specifically for you in his closet.

• Let's you bind during your period until you don't take it off on time or act like you're in pain then he will take and hide it until it's passed.

• if you complain about dysphoria he'll roll his eyes as he drags you to his realm where your avatar already matches your gender and have you hang out there.

• Naptimes are mandatory once a day during this week because he knows it takes a lot out of you.

• Reminds you to take showers despite how much you hate having that reminder because you'll feel better afterwards and it helps with the cramps.

Jeff the Killer

• I promise he's trying. He's trying to keep things as normal as possible by being a jokey asshole dick like usual.

• Mans has your cycle engraved in his memory so on the first and worst day when you're at your grumpiest without fail he'll go "Can't you just give me a bloody smile god damn it?"

• You know he's joking and he knows he's joking but without fail you'll mock laugh at him, sock him in the nose, and walk away.

• One time you ran out of products and Jeff went to get them for you he called from the store and went, "Hey man, what size cunt do you have?" You shook your head, called him an asshole, and hung up.

• He tried to apologize by calling and texting and when you wouldn't answer he made you a care basket with hot wheels and various manly items such as boxers and button-ups/baggy tees. He also covered the pads wrapping in dinosaurs. And replacing "girl" with "boss" on the labels

• He's made a habit of getting you one of these everytime your supplies run out.

• Insists on more training and fighting because what better way to blow off steam and frustrations than a good ol fashioned fight.

• One time it went too far and the two of you ended up being patched up by EJ who scolded the two of you and said "If I catch you boys doing this again I will make sure Slender needs two new proxies."

• Always carrying ibuprofen and water. Always.

• Rubs your back if it hurts too much and treats you more gently.

•Will attack and maim anyone who misgenders you.

Homicidal Liu

• Liu is already constantly holding your hand as if he's scared you'll disappear, like the rest of good in his life, so you two are fairly well synced and sometimes you swear he can read your mind.

• You keep him calm, in a way that reminds him of before the incident because of this he knows all of you, obsessed over it and memorized it, including when your cycle is, it's linked in his internal clock.

• You'll often wake up to a warm bath and clean comfortable clothes if your cycle started during the night. While you bathe he'd change and wash the sheets then bring you breakfast to eat together after you finish.

• Tells you he's sorry that your body doesn't match your mind as he nuzzles into your neck. Snaking his arms around your waist and engulfing you in his weight. Sometimes uncomfortable but you know by now if you try to pry him off he'll only tighten his grip and agressively albeit incoherently mumble

•calm and supportive/protective and possessive are how his alters have always treated you. Both affectionate sometimes overly so. Heightened during your cycle due to you being in a more easily hurt and in a distressed mood.

• Think overlap of Liu and Sully's voices, "What did you just say to my boyfriend?" Followed by "You'll pay for that." should anyone so much as look at you funny in a way that'll make you feel worse about your current state of being.

• Said anyone would be carried away in a body bag. <333

• Gets you trinkets as well as anything you may be craving.

• Owns heating pads as well as cold pads at his disposal to help with cramps.

• Water/Gatorade and a variety of pain meds on hand. Always.

• Doesn't want to leave your side out of fear of you running into a less than kind individual without him there to support you and maim your instigator.

Ticci Toby

• You'd have to go to him about it because his ass doesn't know. His brain is on fifteen different topics at any given time. You occupy at least five but he doesn't have much memorized.

• He'll know that something is bothering you but won't know what unless you blatantly tell him.

• Once you do he'll probably try his best to limit his roughness/aggression and increase softer touches/tones.

• Much more pet names a lot less insults. IE: Instead of calling you a dumbass he'll call you pretty boy.

• If he gets frustrated expect said pet name to be said with aggression.

• He owns several weighted blankets he'd offer you to use on top of his own body weight when he flops onto you, should you want that affection. Though he still will with a piss-poor excuse of an apology if you don't and he does. Which he does frequently because you're one of the only people whose touch is gentle with him.

• Bad about carrying liquid. Good about carrying meds. So if you need an ibuprofen he will give you one but you'll need to either dry swallow or find liquid elsewhere.

• Also not the best at comforting you through your pain seeing as he doesn't experience that kind of thing himself. At least not in the same way, so he doesn't know what to do nor what you expect from him.

• He'll pick you up something he thinks you'll like when he goes out during this time but that ranges from "really sweet" to "the thought is what counts." Because sometimes his thoughts cross paths one too many times and he accidentally got you cleaning supplies instead of menstrual or edible treats.

• Think: "This rock made me think of you. Do you like [insert candy], because I grabbed some on my last mission. I meant to grab you strawberry mentos, because of a song I heard that made me think of you but accidentally grabbed menthol instead, I don't know how you'd use it but here."

• Essentially when you tell him he'll say "Okay, don't push yourself too hard." And then continue fairly normally while attempting to be nice.

Brian/Hoodie

• Initial reaction depends entirely on where/how you tell him. If you tell him in public in front of others he will simply look at you and say, "...okay".

• If you tell him in private he'll stare at you for a moment and then he'll give you a few well-thought-out sentences on how he'll be there to help and how you aren't any less of a man.

• If you give him a note or written thing however he will build you a cathedral out of paragraphs telling you that he'll do what he can to make you feel as good as you can, how this aspect doesn't change who you are not how you're received, and everything masculine and in general he adores about you.

• Always has water, meds, and a spare hoodie for you in close proximity.

• Doesn't treat you any differently in public or private.

• Very sweet most of the time, including this, minus his aggressive outbursts.

• It's very much the same old same old. He'll still melt into you and expect the same he'll still yell and throw things when he's having a n outburst.

• He'll still treat you as softly and as roughly as he does the rest of the time.

• Will get you your cravings if you ask but he won't really if he's unprompted.

• He may ask for your hand more often if he notices your distress/squeeze your hand more often.

• Though most of the time he won't he's too busy in his head or in what he's doing.

• Or alternatively trying to figure out what is in your head and what you're doing but not necessarily how you're feeling.

• He cares about you he's just not the possessive type in the way that leads to outwardly or intense displays of affection. Though if you even hinted to not wanting to be around people on your cycle you wouldn't be. He would hole up.with you until its over and be reluctant to let you go.

Tim/Masky

• Throws his reeking bomber jacket at you with a raised eyebrow. "Things like this provide some comfort right?"

• Cocky Bastard knows it's in his god-damn calendar and he likes to inadvertently let you know he knows.

• IE: throwing one of your favorite snacks at your head while you train or work.

• Bringing you water, Gatorade, and medicine to you when all you did is hold your head in your hands for five seconds.

• It's become almost a game of whether or not you can get away without him knowing.

• Mocking you lightly if you ask for help with anything. If you need supplies, or would like one of your cravings, or would like a heating pad anything. And you say, "Hey could you get me [blank] if you don't mind?" Or anything along those lines you will be met with an, "Ah ah ah pretty boy, say pretty please." When he returns with what you asked for dangling it out of reach.

• Also always asks for a kiss as payment for being your knight in shiny armor. When he gets you anything. One time he bought you a bag of chocolate kisses you were craving and when he asked you threw a chocolate at him and he chased and tackled you until you gave him an actual one.

• Deliberately and as a rule of thumb, Masky shows you a playful and cocky side he's created because you respond to it best.

• He rarely gets angry at you but when he does that anger translates to avoiding you and not speaking to you should he be in this state he will give you nothing, not even a hug during this.

• If you tend to be touch-starved during he'll be less likely to fall into that angry rut but if you're touch-adverse he's more likely to get into angry ruts because he'll take it as the front he crafted for you not being enough or attractive to you.

• Despite the fact it has nothing to do him and has everything to do with you being in physical and psychological pain.

#creepypasta x male reader #creepypasta x transmale!reader #eyeless jack #laughing jack #ben drowned #jeff the killer #homicidal liu #ticci toby #tim masky #brian hoodie #creepypasta fluff #or at least most of it #creepypasta headcanon #requests open #multiple/all

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 9 months

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Am I (27m) the asshole for wanting my boyfriend (28m) to be attracted to me?

This involves sex as a topic but won't get explicit, I'll keep it vague. I'm asexual. Completely sex repulsed in a physical sense, mostly due to autistic sensory issues. I've never had any interest in sex and didn't have any libido at all before going on testosterone, so the way most allosexuals tend to view and think of sex is something I've always struggled to understand.

In previous relationships, my asexuality was handled in different ways depending on the person. One boyfriend was totally fine just not having a sexual aspect to our relationship, another one had a hookup he got my approval on. The compromise me and my last boyfriend came up with was that he'd text me his fantasies about me and that did a lot for him without me having to physically be in the situation, and even if I didn't get anything sexual out of it I did enjoy it. It was a confidence boost. I dont generally consider myself attractive or desirable, i wear sweaters in summer because im so self conscious, and this compromise actually did a lot to help me see myself in a different light.

I recently got into a new relationship and, as with every relationship I've been in, there's inevitably a discussion about how we're going to compromise on this issue. My new boyfriend didn't know anything about asexuality and barely understood when I explained but he's very insistent about not crossing my boundaries, which I appreciate. But the problem is, since he'd never considered sexuality from a less direct angle, he didn't really know where to even start with ideas when we were trying to work out a compromise. So, I started making suggestions, thinking back to what worked for other people I'd dated. Just abstaining wasn't going to be doable for him so I didn't suggest it, and he wouldn't be comfortable with a hookup.

I remembered my ex used to be able to get something out of telling me about his fantasies so I asked if that was something he'd be into. I wasn't angling to try to get him to agree to something, I genuinely just wanted to know whether or not that was an option to consider. He didn't actually answer at first, he went quiet and then he answered the question with another question and asked "wouldn't something like that make you uncomfortable?" And I said "no, because the physical component is the thing I have issues with, not the subject matter itself. So long as I don't have to directly engage in the situation, I'm golden."

I don't know if this is something that was really stupid of me to say and my autistic ass just didn't realize, but since he's so careful about my boundaries and comfort and tends to fret, I thought his problem in the moment was worry that I'd be making myself uncomfortable in an attempt to meet his needs. So I hurried to reassure him and said not only would it not make me uncomfortable, I'd enjoy it in a way. Not sexually, but I enjoy knowing that my partner is attracted to me. It makes me feel good about myself.

He got really upset. He doesn’t get upset easily and hadn't ever gotten properly upset with me before (at least not to this extent) so I was very taken aback, but I was floored by his reason for being upset. Not word for word, but he essentially said "so basically you want me to frustrate myself to feed your ego?"

I was, I think understandably, completely fucking appalled by such a suggestion. I said of course not, I was just suggesting something I knew worked for someone else because even if it wasn't his thing, we could narrow down options by process of elimination. Which made logical sense, to me. He wasn't calmed though, he started saying things like "so, you want your partner to be attracted to you even though you never plan on actually letting them act on that attraction? Do you see how cruel that is?" And... I don’t know, which is why I'm submitting this here. Is that cruel?

From my perspective, I would think it's only natural to want to know your partner finds you attractive, doesn't everyone want to be wanted to some degree? I don't get some sort of sadistic thrill out of it as he seemed to be implying, and I don't want it to impact my partners in a negative way. If this was something he would find frustrating then no, of course I wouldn't want him to frustrate himself, we could look at other options. When I made the suggestion, I figured the worst that would happen was he'd say no and we'd narrow down the list of options. I never imagined my moral character would be called into question.

He's usually so, so nice to me and it hit really hard for someone who’s usually so fond of me to say I sounded selfish and vain. Both actual words he used when this devolved into an argument. I explained my reasoning for suggesting it to begin with but he said the issue isn’t the suggestion, it's that he thinks that it's fucked up of me to want my partner to be attracted to me when I'm not going to indulge that attraction and it makes him wonder if I'm really a different, worse person deep down and he's only now getting to see it. He called it a red flag. That seemed like such a leap to me but I don't want to dismiss the suggestion out of hand. Many bad people think they're good people, so it's not out of the question.

This was our first real argument, previous disagreements had been talked out very calmly but emotions ran high with this one. I dont know if this is something that triggered him for deeper reasons, considering his reaction was so intensely out of the norm for him, or if the whole thing just looks entirely different from the perspective of someone who isn't sex repulsed.

Am I the asshole here? Is it really as fucked up as he says that I enjoy knowing my partner is attracted to me even though I won't agree to have sex with them?

We didn't discuss the topic any more that night, and it hasn't been brought up since. He hasn't been treating me differently than before, but he's always proactively apologized before when he was in the wrong about things and he hasn't this time, so to me that says he still stands by what he said. His words have stuck with me and they’re eating at me. I feel like such a horrible person, and I have no idea if I should feel more or less guilty about this.

Tl;dr: my boyfriend is upset that I like knowing my partners are attracted to me even though I don't want to and don't intend to have sex with them bc he thinks that's majorly fucked up and a red flag.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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randomlygeneratedusername2 · 10 months

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No one asked, but here's a vest tour! I've added a bunch since I last talked about it here, so here's the update!

Here's the full front and back

Most of this I made myself. The patches were mostly made by hand embroidery (anything machine done was probably given to me as a gift), with the exception of a couple that were just markers on white fabric.

Under the decorative patches is also a layer of random fabric patches, mostly from leftover projects scrap fabric, or old clothes I didn't know what to do with.

There's also some random paint splashes in green and red, and a ton of pop tabs and safety pins thrown around in empty spaces.

The pins I made were made from painted bottle caps, and held on with a pop tab and safety pin combo, with the edges of the bottle cap bent to hold it in place

The vest itself I got from a family member's friend, and said family member didn't want it. So she gave it to me to put patches on. I used it as a formal jacket for a year, but I didn't like how the sleeves felt, so I cut them off and ended up putting patches on it anyway. I've been working on this vest since last January, but many of the patches and stuff were transferred from my old jacket that I have other plans for, but that's for a different post.

Inside, plus the snack pouch

so much white embroidery floss, I'm surprised I'm still able to scrape up some in my embroidery floss drawer

Front top left (from the perspective of someone looking at me)

Gay frog pin is the only pin I own I paid for, I found all the rest for free from various events and also the library likes giving people free pins

Front top right

Got the Vulpix pin from some random lady at the empanada restaurant because she liked my nerdy jacket. A few months ago I reconnected with an old friend, who recognized the art style. So that's kinda neat

Front bottom left

I used to have the heart/brain patch sewn on an older jacket (that is no longer with us). I am never attempting to stick a needle through that thing again. Easily my most painful patch I own. Also a little keychain ring so I can clip stuff to my vest

Front bottom right

The worm's name is wormy, named by my friend who loves him. Wormy has been through a lot, and before finding a safe home on my vest, rotated between being a room decoration and a cat toy

The hotelier patch (the house on the pocket) is probably my favorite music based patch I've made. I spent way too much time on it, but I think it turned out nice in the end!

Back top

the trans flag section in the center is my favorite part. The peace was never an option patch is usually peoples favorite, and I get compliments on it regularly. It's hard to see, but the patch at the bottom left of the flag is the chemical formula for testosterone

Back bottom left

The QR code is a Rick roll, and also fully functional. When I made it, a picture of it was floating around between my friends between various group chats. I had one friend who tried to go to lengths to avoid getting tricked, until one of his friends sent him the picture, and he actually scanned it before realizing it's the QR code on my back. He was (jokingly) upset at me the next day. I want to make another qr code to a song I like more, but that one took longer than most my other patches do, so I'm not sure it's worth it.

Back bottom right

The Kos-mos patch (blue haired girl on left) is my favorite non music patch on here. It just feels like one of my most well made patches. Not much to say here, I just like the patch a lot

So yeah, that's my vest. No clue how many patches are actually on this, or how many hours I've put into this thing already, but it's probably a high number whatever it is.

If this gets at least 0.5 notes Ill talk about my other patch stuff, of which I've got a lot of.

#patches #battle jacket #embroidery #clothes #pins #diy #art #punk #emo

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vaspider · 2 years

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Been having a very bad time of it lately because of some real shit transandrophobia from someone pretty close to me so we're gonna talk about this for a bit:

It is such a Fucking Problem that transmascs are told over and over again that "testosterone makes you violent" and that people around us react as if we have suddenly become the Hulk versions of ourselves the moment that they know we are taking T that I was actively warned about this when I started taking T, by other transmascs. Not that I would feel angrier, or that I would have a harder time controlling my temper, but that someone or someones close to me would start reacting to me as if I was behaving more irrationally or violently once they knew I was taking T, and that this would escalate once I started showing any physical changes.

No, nonsense, I said. The people near me are all trans-competent and most are trans themselves, this will never happen.

Well, dear reader, it fucking has, and I am devastated by it. No, I'm not going to name names, and I'm not going to talk about the intimate parts of my life that I keep off of here other than to talk about these things in very general ways that allow me to talk about transandrophobia in general.

Because I'm not angrier, or more violent, or more upset. At all. In fact, I'm much more calm, I raise my voice less often, and I'm more at home in my skin. However, any expression of displeasure on my behalf -- no matter how calm -- is characterized as me "screaming," and I have been repeatedly told I'm "more aggressive" than I used to be.

What was really the nail in the coffin for me was someone -- a transfeminine person, another trans person, someone who has known me for a long time -- telling me that "because I perceive you as more masculine now, any time you are visibly upset is now threatening to me, so you need to behave differently." I'm not allowed to look upset or sound upset, because my masculinity makes me threatening. I'm the same person with the same behaviors, but now I'm not supposed to sound upset because my voice is deeper.

Really.

This comes from a couple of different things, including this person's personal issues and trauma. (Which is its own problem: if someone's changing appearance or how they sound triggers your trauma, you can't make that the fault of the person whose body is changing. You need to work that shit out on your own. Can you imagine saying that shit to a teenager? Jesus. If you can, that's fucked up too.) But it also comes from the particular intersection of misogyny and transphobia which creates transandrophobia. On the one hand, my anger wasn't taken very seriously when I was perceived as a woman, so it was easier to shrug off as not that big of a deal. That's misogyny, bog-standard. On the other hand, my anger is perceived as far more out of scope because of my transness, because of the ways in which my body has changed. Not just because it is how it exists now, but because my body has changed and my voice has changed, I am now more threatening. This person is not threatened by other people close to them who have much deeper voices than mine -- they are, however, constantly characterizing my behavior as "yelling" and "screaming." Sometimes this happens when I am simply speaking normally, but if I do things like "speak more loudly to be heard over noise," I am "screaming".

On top of that, this whole "you are more irrational now" and "your feelings are XYZ because of this hormone" is just another way of reframing the "are you on your period" which is used to dismiss the emotions of women. It's a reframing of a misogynistic way of blowing off real feelings as "just due to hormones".

Because, look, even if my feelings were more extreme now (they're not), they're still real feelings. It's not permissible to simply strike someone's feelings as 'not legitimate' because you think they're based in hormones. That's bullshit.

(The funniest part of all of this is, because I microdose due to being non-binary and because my T was actually dangerously low when I started HRT, my testosterone levels right now are actually slightly low for a white cis woman, as of my last blood tests. I'm literally no more "swamped with testosterone" than the average cis woman, which should show you how much bias and how little reality goes into these assessments of me, my presentation, and my behavior.)

The fact that it is such a bog-standard transmasculine experience that "the people around you are going to perceive you as more threatening even when your behavior doesn't change one whit and they will tell you that T is making you more aggressive when your behavior isn't changing" that people warned me about it, and it turned out to be true even when like 90 percent of the people I allow myself to be close to are trans themselves is a real mindfuck.

I'm not really okay right now, and I don't know how long it'll be until I'm okay again. The last couple of days have contained me thinking about just stopping T because I'm so sick of being treated this way by the people close to me, and that was kind of a warning sign to me that I needed to deal with this shit, but I continue to be blown off by the person who is doing this to me, so, we'll see.

#transandrophobia #transphobia

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autoandro-meda · 2 months

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toy with him

Within a few months time of living here, you've begun to dress more like me. Within those same few months I have gone into your closet and made some of your blouses and v-neck low cut shirts "disappear" a couple of times. They're in a box in the corner of the basement, but you don't know that. You're hardly starting to notice the shift, you just think the sizing metrics on boys jeans makes more sense, and that your mahogany high heels are just misplaced.

Half a year in, our roles in the bedroom changed. It wasn't like we were playing out in depth roleplay scenarios all the time, but you started to shoe a preference for control. Not domination, but to hold my reigns as you steer. This was a good sign, I believed you wanted something more for yourself, as you made coy jokes about not being able to put it in me.

At eight months I did something a bit devious. I added a very small amount of gel treatment into your body lotion. I didn't think it would work, but after a few weeks you came to me moping and upset. When I asked what was wrong, you lifted your shirt and showed me the peach fuzz on your tummy was now an, albeit very thin, coat of hair. Your head was in your hands as you bemoaned the idea of being caught like this, but I was there to comfort you. Love, we all have body hair, it was okay, I showed you my own then. Now, I've been on the hormones for awhile, I am a lot fluffier than you, that is true. I think the contrast made that clear, as you stared at my midriff with a great fixation, and all of a sudden felt better.

By the end of the year, you could not figure out why everyone said your voice was getting deeper. You smoked now and again, maybe that was it, and maybe you should not. Again, you brought it up with me because I understand you; maybe more than you realized but I do understand you. We talked about smoking for a bit, I told you I started when I got kicked out to deal with the stress. Though, we both did agree there was something hot about it, me shuffling a cigarette out of the box and lighting it at the end of our conversation. We sat in silence for a moment, and you told on yourself.

You asked me "why must us men look so beautiful when were destroying ourselves?" I don't think you heard the "us" portion.

After a year, you finally came out and told me you wanted to be on HRT. I was able to help you with the appointments and everything, and promised to help you keep very close track of your treatment. And honestly, you've been doing so much better since you got on shots. There was only one thing you were unhappy about...

On the ride home from the clinic, we drove home in an awkward silence. You testosterone levels came back far too high, I forgot they would check before prescribing you. Things were only awkward due to what happened, when the nurse brought it up with you, you said "well, I've been trying testosterone gel in small dosages over the past few months."

I was cooked, I thought I was gonna lose my boyfriend as soon as I finally got him. We drove home in silence though, you didn't speak up one bit. The guilt got to me, when we pulled into the drive way I grabbed your arm so you did not leave the car and said I was sorry, I shouldn't have toyed with you and I was sorry.

Laughter is how I was greeted. You looked at me giggling, "I was a bit mad at first, but I'm over it now." To my surprise, you even seemed happy, "I think this was gonna happen anyways, you just expedited the process."

You leaned over the cars console and kissed me, I felt like I've set you free. You lean into my ear and whisper, and goosebumps prickle up me again.

"This said I want my clothes back," you told me. "I don't want to wear them but some of those dresses were very expensive."

"S-Sorry, they're in the basement," I finally admitted to you. You pet my head as you opened your car door:

"Good boy," you called me; I somehow don't think I was ever in control here.

#force masc #forcemasc #ftm hypno #autoandrophilia #ftm #I hesitate slapping a 'cnc' on here because i dislike that term a lot but there is enabling here

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samaellevampire · 5 months

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Fixation

Paring: Rain

Genre: Smut (explicit)

NSFW

Words: 1,067

Summary: Rain took his testosterone injection a short time ago. He feels like he's going crazy. He wants everything and everyone. He finally gives in and decides to satisfy himself.

Warning: Trans!Rain (anatomy: pussy, cunt, dickclit), masturbation, handjob, fingering himself, caught at the end.

Fixation part 2: here

Below the cut people please.

Yesterday Rain gave his hormone injection under the supervision of Cumulus. Everything went well and he is very happy with it. Well...only if he leaves out a small detail. A big detail in fact.

He feels like he's going crazy.

He slept very poorly last night, as he often does in the days after his injection. This strange feeling of lack and fixation he feels. Bordering on obsession. Everything makes him think of that. Every movement, every breath, every image, every object, every person... He wants everything and everyone. His pupils are dilated and he is breathing quickly. Anyone might think they're high when they're not at all.

He just needs it.

Since waking up he has only thought about that. Even before. This is also the reason that prevented him from sleeping well. He silently fights against himself but he knows very well that he will end up giving in to his desire. He is warm. His whole body is burning. He's boiling inside.

This desire becomes necessary.

He could accuse the whole world of being against him knowing full well that there is only one person responsible for his feelings. Himself. More precisely his hormones. It must be said that the others don't help him either. Just standing a few feet away from him right now is like torture.

This morning when leaving his room, Rain came across Swiss who was wearing only a bath towel hanging around his waist as he was coming out of the shower. The multi was in the hallway talking to Cirrus. The water ghoul couldn't help but involuntarily ogle at him as he passed by.

The little ringlets of his hair, his magnificent face, his infectious smile, his soft skin, the drops of water that fall and drip down his muscular chest at that moment, his waistline, his lower abdomen and his muscular thighs... Rain bites his lower lip and unconsciously squeezes his thighs a little, just thinking about all this.

But the most interesting thing was hidden under that cursed bath towel. He had thought about falling on purpose to hope to tear off pieces of tissue because he wanted to, but he settled for walking faster to prevent the situation from turning into a tragedy.

"Hey Rain? Are you with us? Are you listening to me?" Mountain said, shaking his hand in front of his friend's face. “You’re weird today, man.”

Oops, he had also apparently forgotten the details and had gone too deep in his thoughts. Phantom, Dewdrop and him agree to go to the greenhouse so that Mountain shows them a new plant that he is proud to take care of.

The water ghoul comes back to reality by blinking his eyes several times and realizes three things. Already, all his friends are looking at him strangely, wondering what is happening to him. Then, the big ghoul looks a little upset at not being listened to by everyone. Finally, his underwear is wet. And that, that's really the thing too many. He'll explode if he doesn't do something.

"I'm sincerely sorry Mountain. I was lost in my thoughts. I'll come back to see your plant later, I promise. Right now I have uh...something to do. Sorry." Rain said looking away, taking a few steps back with an apologetic expression on his face.

He hears his friend sigh as he turns and feels everyone's confused looks on his shoulders. He's really sorry but he can't hold back any longer. He walks quickly to his room, traversing the long corridors of the ministry.

Once he arrives, he doesn't even take the time to close the door properly and unbuttons his pants before unzipping it. His pants and boxers quickly end up falling in disarray on the cold floor not far from his dresser. The water ghoul already feels the heat from his crotch spreading to the top of his inner thighs, accompanied by a feeling of wetness.

Rain lies on his back on his bed, his upper back and shoulders sinking a little into his pillows. He slowly lowers his right hand onto his body and doesn't wait any longer. He can finally let out a sigh mixed between relief and pleasure immediately after he begins to gently caress his dickclit with the tips of his fingers. The senses were flocking to that part of his body, making him so sensitive and so wanting.

"Oh fuck... I'll never wait that long again." He says, sighing again as he puts a little more pressure on his fingers.

Quite quickly, he moistens the tips of his index and middle fingers so that they slide better on his capricious limb then places them each on either side of his tiny cock to start making back and forth movements against it. He alternates with small circular movements, rewetting his fingers thanks to his transparent and viscous slick.

Not long after, he himself teases the entrance to his pussy by pressing his fingertips on the completely soaked spot. His middle finger goes in very easily because he is so excited. He gently removes it then inserts it again accompanied by his ring finger. He shivers as he feels the pleasant sensation surrounded and pressed against his two fingers. A warm, wet place just waiting to be used for personal pleasure.

Gentle back and forth movements settle in as his breathing becomes deeper. This doesn't stay long as the gentle movements become faster and more confident. His fingers on the inside make small waves movements and imitate a hook to stimulate him while his fingers on the outside press against his humid, burning skin. His eyes slowly close to make the most of it.

After several minutes had passed while he was making himself feel good, footsteps were heard in the hallway. He doesn't pay attention because he's too busy moaning softly while his breathing is rapid and jerky.

"You'll never guess what- Oh." The fire ghoul said as he entered Rain's room, laughing and looking a little more surprised when he saw the scene in front of him. He blinks a few times looking at his friend's cunt with his fingers buried inside to register the information. “Maybe...I could help you?” He doesn't even try to hide his little smirk and his voice teases because he knows very well that his friend won't be able to resist this offer.

#ghost #ghost band #the band ghost #ghost bc #ghost ghouls #nameless ghouls #trans ghouls #rain #rain ghoul #rain ghost #trans rain #smut #ghost fanfiction #ghost fanfic #ghost band fanfiction #ghost band fanfic #samael writes

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ollieofthebeholder · 9 months

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I had, weirdly enough when I describe it, the absolute sweetest interaction at an IHOP today.

We'd been sat at this booth for a little over an hour, eating and planning for this year's NaNoWriMo, when a waitress who was not our waitress came over and leaned down.

"Can I ask you a question?" she said quietly.

My friend, instantly alert, asked, "Oh, do we need to go?" (Thinking we had overstayed our welcome, since we had already paid the check and our waitress had just in fact collected the signed slip.)

"No, no," the waitress assured us. "It's just...I hope you don't mind..." She turned to me and asked, so quietly I almost didn't hear her at first, "What kind of...what are you on? Because..." She gestured at my face.

For those who don't know, I look like this:

(And yes, I'm wearing those buttons today. The one you can't really see clearly in this picture is the Genderqueer pride flag with my name and pronouns.)

It turns out the waitress' son, who is 21, is trans, has been on HRT for four years, and is becoming frustrated that his beard is not growing in as thick as he'd like. His mother had tried to reassure him, but he was still upset and insecure about it, so when she saw my pins and realized I was at least some flavor of trans (the shirt I'm wearing today also has vaguely trans colors in it, although that's not intentional, it's actually just a blushing blue crab in a viking helmet sitting in front of a typewriter but the graphic is flaking off badly - side note, Redbubble sucks), she came over to our table, hoping I wouldn't be offended, to find out if the testosterone I was taking would somehow help her son grow thicker facial hair.

I actually felt kind of bad having to tell her, "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but I'm actually not taking any. I'm intersex. This is natural." She was genuinely astonished.

It just...it made me feel good. I live in Virginia, which isn't the most conservative state out there but is still on the redder side of purple. And here was this mom who not only supported her son enough to help him with his transition, she was willing to step out of her comfort zone and ask another visibly trans person for advice. And listening to her talk, it was so obvious she loved her son and was trying her hardest to do right by him, to refer to him using the language he preferred and talk about him as naturally as she would if she'd known he was her son from the day he was born. And she seemed really grateful when all three of us assured her that even cis men don't get full, thick beards right away and that he'll get there, he just has to give it time.

Just...yeah. Made my whole afternoon. The world needs more mommas like that.

#lgbt+#transgender #intersex #nonbinary #regardez-moi and weep

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queen-shiba · 8 months

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Love how when people make an x reader for the prefect overblotting, the only reason is that they're stressed over not going home and all the overblots and Crowley being an irresponsible fuck.

Man, I feel like if it was me, it would be because I worked my ass off to get out of situations that cause me unnecessary stress or anxiety and escape people's negative emotions, but I couldn't because I ended up in a space full of testosterone.

Everyone who overblotted or caused some sort of negative adrenaline rush or stress would be a target.

Added factor of the school being so disorderly, despite being in order that I'd be even more likely to kill or just assault someone when I'm menstruating.

When I Overblot, it's due to the overwhelming anxiety fueling thought that someone else will Overblot and I'll be forced to deal with it, possibly dying, or suffering a horrible injury, or losing something precious, or just failing in general.

That would likely have me either targeting people who could possibly Overblot, or just taking control of the entire school in order to form an environment that is comfortable for me, where I know I'm safe. Even if that means several students get locked up or just cast out (possibly killed) in order for me to find that comfort and feeling of safety.

Because I have never felt safe a day in my life, and that is not an exaggeration.

Now, how could the boys prevent this? By becoming a safe haven. At least ONE OF THEM has to do that.

The ones that seem likely to do that are:

Deuce

Kalim

Jack

Leona (possibly. He's an ass hole but me being a woman, the entirety of Savanaclaw could end up being a safe space)

Silver

Lilia

Cater

Rook

Why isn't Malleus up there?

Because I will feel extremely trapped if I'm around someone who's too attached to me and gets upset or self conscious if I take a break from them without showing signs of cutting them off.

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst mc #twisted wonderland mc #overblot yuu #overblot mc #overblot

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solarmagickstar · 3 months

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Not super into Jessie Gender, but I watched their video on "how we talk about trans men" and I've gotta say it was disappointing asf.

As a trans masc/guy I feel like I can't really have an opinion? Like for me it's like I'm too scared to be angry, like if I am it's just gonna be thrown back at me like "oh it must be those testosterone hormones coming out" or "well of course your all angry your a man" like men can't be sensitive at all or something? It's almost always said in a way to "give me euphoria" cause that's how we're supposed to treat men.

At times it really feels like we're being pushed out of queer spaces because we'll if your a guy you wouldn't wanna be a part of the marginalised group ya know cause "we're escaping to get to privilege" right?

I don't feel like our experience with gender is allowed to be expressed openly and we're absolutely not allowed to be GNC. And honestly the same could probably be said for GNC trans fems too, I don't see a lot of them either.

I feel like in Jessie gender's video they kinda didn't *actually* wanna sit with what they said originally? Like when it came to the Barbie movie I wanted to participate in the conversation of girl hood and how that's still relevant to me and how it's shaped me as the person I am today, how much I enjoyed the Ken dolls experience and how they played with masculine fashion in a way I hadn't seen in a while. But honestly I felt like well this movies for the girls so I probably shouldn't say anything.

Sometimes I wonder if we partially do this to ourselves because a lot of us keep to ourselves and don't really wanna be seen half the time. I haven't talked to the trans masc I knew since we all left Facebook, it's so lonely out here and the more I look for trans content the more I see trans fems and basically only white trans masc (with like maybe 2 poc ones but is that really all we get?) It makes me feel like I don't exist. The only places I can see poc trans masc viking or existing is on sites run by a variety of trans people or is run by a trans masc person living free.

When I see that I think, thank god your fucking real. Thank god I see someone like me thriving and existing out there.

I wanna see more of y'all, like actually see y'all, I feel like I'm fading away as more and more content keeps talking about how bad trans fems (oh and non binary but let's not define what you mean or who you're talking about we just throw them in there cause let's be more inclusive right? But only to you? Great) but the amount of trauma that's in the trans masc community is horrific and is not talked about or addressed at all.

In men's spaces there's not room for queer most of the time, so to find a place to belong and essentially get told my issues aren't as important or that trans fems ("and nonbinary" cause again you're lying to yourself by saying this even if your non-binary) then you're fundamentally missing out on our lives. I don't even feel like we have enough data on us because even the trans masc get lumped in with nonbinary or GNC like that's just fucking normal.

I remember a study was out on trans masc and GNC women about how often all of us deal with sexual assault and it's the closest I've seen and it wasn't even good findings it was depressing. I wish I could find it again. But again that study put us with GNC (pretty sure it was cis) women!

Please not this is coming from someone who's been SA'd pre and post coming out as trans. Did you know some people see us as a way to see if they're gay or bi? Like experiment on us, get us drunk and tell us we should just take it because "well you're supposed to be a man right?" We can't even get to these conversations yet and I'm worried we never will.

Do we even exist? Are we allowed to voice our opinions? Are we allowed to be mad? Are we allowed to be upset with our community? Can we do our own studies? Should we be more visible? I'm scared to, I don't wanna show my face I'm a very private person, but do I need to address that? Is that a bad thing? Is it perpetuated by my environment?

I don't know and honestly I just wanna see more variety of trans masc people, I'm scared we're just gonna stay under the radar and continue to deal with the bullshit we always have.

Ps. Jessie gender 100% did the I have a trans masc friend, no matter how much they said "I'm not doing that" they literally were doing it and there was almost no self reflection on that at all. This wasn't really the video I think they thought it was cause all it did was tell me they don't talk to us very often and that at this point I've just seen heart reacts to comments on their video's comments and not any actual responses to what anyone's said on there. It'll be a process I get it but this video was not good at all and I feel like any trans masc who's getting excited about being seen by a bigish YouTuber is like me desperate for anything validation cause that's kinda how starved we are out here tbh.

#transgender #transmasc #trans man #trans #trans guy #jessie gender #youtube #ftm #ftm trans #non bianry #nonbinary

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uncanny-tranny · 1 year

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I think people have a misconception of emotions in regards to people who take testosterone, and it's really affected the way we're treated.

For instance, take the idea that we're unfeeling beasts on testosterone - fueled only by our anger. This is misplaced precisely because it implies that those taking testosterone fundamentally change, from our emotions to our personalities. It implies that we have downgraded in some way since taking testosterone, because let's be real, who enjoys enraged people? Who wants to be an enraged person all the time?

I can only speak from personal experience, but testosterone has made me happier than anything. I can't cry as easily, but the emotions that make me cry are still there. Just because you can't physically see emotion through crying or whatever doesn't mean they don't exist. Testosterone has given me pause to actually feel - before I was just responding to stimulus, I didn't feel alive. Even when I'm angry or upset after starting testosterone, I feel alive. It's a hard feeling to convey, but I feel alive. Testosterone has not changed who I am, it's just made me happier and healthier. It's made my skies clearer.

Testosterone is a (morally) neutral hormone - we all need some level of it in our systems (this level obviously depends person-by-person), so it's weird to specifically single out those of us who take testosterone. You are absolutely entitled to say that testosterone in higher levels isn't right for you, and I respect the position. Estrogen in high levels made my life miserable, I can empathize. But please remember not to overgeneralize and say that who you are fundamentally changes, because that isn't accurate.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #nonbinary #wrote this after i drew up some testosterone because today is shot day :p #i personally have found it hard to cry but i've also found it hard not to be at least a little happy #tangentially related to my last post but hey

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our-transmasculine-experience · 4 months

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My transmasc experience is... I don't really know?

I mainly identify as nonbinary, and if I had to choose a binary gender, I'd choose male.

Growing up I never fit in with the girls. I always fit in more with the boys, and I never understood why I was treated differently from the boys.

I'm on HRT, but not like.... for gender reasons. I'm on progesterone, because my body's natural hormones SEVERALLY negatively impact my mental illnesses. I don't really have interest in going on testosterone, unless I absolutely HAVE to for bottom surgery.

But oh boy BOTTOM SURGERY? Now THATS what I call gender euphoria.

When I think of anything I could do transition wise, from clothing and hair cuts to hormones to surgeries, bottom surgery gives me the most euphoria. Thinking about how I could have surgery to have the body I've pictured in my head since I learned there were bodily differences between people, THAT gives me euphoria. I don't even care that I would have a scar on my arm from it. I'd probably just get a sick ass tattoo on it!

I wish people talked about bottom surgery more. I feel..... I don't know. Like the odd one out in the Trans community. I always hear about top surgery, but never bottom surgery. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places, but I really wish I could read more stories of peoples experiences with getting bottom surgery so I know what to expect and so I don't feel so alone in my dysphoria/euphoria. Maybe it's taboo, and if it is taboo, I wish it wasn't and don't feel like it should be.

I dunno.

bottom surgery is less common because of two main reasons:

bottom surgery is mainly for personal dysphoria and does not help with passing in day-to-day life

it has much higher complication rates than top surgery (phalloplasty especially has high complication rates)

but yeah, when i first got really into the community, i was also upset that i could barely find any bottom surgery content but loads of top surgery content.

depending on what type of bottom surgery you’re looking into, i can provide a list of resources for research.

good luck!

#transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #transmasc #queer #ftm #trans #trans guy #trans boy

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ewyband · 13 days

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explaining HRT to my parents and acceptance

hello everypony, if you don't know, im non binary. im gonna be really vulnerable here for a hot sec but i just wanted to share my experience because its something ive found very difficult to write about in musical form.

gender has always been super confusing for me and whilst there were signs of me being trans when i was younger, its only something thats become apparent in the last three years. i wont bore anyone explaining my experience of where i stand with my gender but i wanted to share my experiences with HRT and the process of telling my parents about it.

i started seriously considering HRT around around a year ago and decided to take the plunge around two months ago because every time i looked in the mirror, i noticed more chest hairs, thicker body hair, broader shoulders and a squarer jawline -- this all makes me extremely dysphoric and i hated it. the conclusion i came to was, this was all going to continue to intensify throughout me aging and so the main question was: do i want to age on testosterone or estrogen? once i started estrogen i felt so much better about myself, almost instantly (as in, within the first few days). my mood has drastically increased and i have 'breakdowns' way less now which is great!! one thing i was scared about was chest growth and the day before i started estrogen, i was very tired from a long day and had a breakdown because i was quite literally mourning my freedom. i never really have been more confident shirtless or anything but i mourned swimming in the sea, in lakes, in rivers and in tarns on the mountain tops -- the sense of freedom you feel when you're fresh out of an ice cold tarn on a mountain is indescribable. however, now i have responsibilities, i have a career i have to make work, i have people i need to please and for some reason i felt not being able to be shirtless was another freedom i could potentially have snatched away from me. when i told my mum about me starting HRT she said 'well, i'm sure you've made an informed decision so i'll just tell you the same thing i've said about weed: just be careful okay' which was a genuinely pleasant surprise when my dad found out, my mum called me saying 'just in case you get a call from your dad, he's really worried and he's been losing sleep over it. if he calls you, please dont argue with him, just agree with him for now for our sake' my dad did end up calling me and i explained everything and any worries that he had. he had a lot of questions but i managed to answer everything without getting too upset. towards the end of our call i thought he said 'i just needed you to understand' to which i replied 'yeah i understand, its okay to be anxious, because i definitely was' and he replied 'no, i said "i just needed to understand"' im really grateful for my parents being so accepting and its genuinely strengthened our relationship. even though they're pretty hit and miss with calling me my correct pronouns, they still love me and havent disowned me and im really grateful for that.

anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk

#trans #nonbinary

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gin-juice-tonic · 1 year

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Hey Gin this might be a silly thing to ask, but how did you realize you were trans? Cause ever since I saw your trans Stan and Ford I think I had some sort of relivation, it started with just really enjoying the art you drew to me feeling some sort of envy. Either that I want to dress more masculine or that I actually want to be a man, cause honestly when I look at your trans stans I just feel so much gender envy (jealousy?) And on my last period I had a whole crying fit over it starting, which has never happened before. I just don't know if this is actually what I'm feeling or if it isn't. I've had thoughts of telling my mom and fearing the consequence. This is just all so new and I'm honestly scared. I figured I'd ask you since I look up to you and from what I've seen you are quite wise. I don't really know why I have so much self doubt and constantly flip flop over things. It's frustrating, I just wish I could be certain about something for once. Sorry about this, I'm a mess really.

It’s not silly to ask. My answer is unfortunately a little silly, because I’m a goober. I also typed A LOT so its all going under a read more

So, I was 16 and on tumblr even more than I am now, and I was (still am) friends with a trans woman who reblogged a post that was like “Just trans girl things: eating dark chocolate because it has substances similar to estrogen” and I went “Haha i guess I should stop eating it.” followed by “…why do I feel that way” and THAT was followed by quite the crisis.

Trans men weren’t as well known about back then, so I was like “Well, it means nothing, since only women can be trans”. And then I found out men could be trans too and that pushed my crisis further along. And I started to think. About how I liked when people defaulted to male pronouns for me on the internet, or how when i was a kid I would use a crazy amount of shampoo to make my hair look short and flatten my chest in front of the mirror and look at it. Things like that. And I got upset because “no i can’t be trans that’s impossible”. I would google things like “how do you know if you’re trans”, “quiz to see if you’re trans”, ect.

But the idea of being seen as a man was exciting. It was tantalizingly exciting. And I knew it could be possibility for me someday, and I knew that made a part of me happy and I couldn’t un-know it.

Final straw was a nonbinary person I had been following made a post about how they were going to start taking testosterone. And instead of feeling happy for them I just got mad and started sobbing to myself. Because I was so extremely jealous. So jealousy absolutely has its place in figuring things out.

You should think. Think about attaining the things you’re envious about. Does this make you happy? It’s okay if it’s upsetting or scary at the same time. Change often is. But if it makes you happy, excites you, gives you hope for the future, it’s worth thinking more about.

You don’t have to jump into telling your mom right away (and I wouldn’t really recommend it till you’re a little more sure of yourself). You can go at whatever pace you want to. I didn’t tell my mom (or anyone in my real life at all) till I was like, 20. And I’d known for 4 years at that point. You’ve sent me a tumblr message, so I’m assuming you’ve got an account here. I’d say asking your friends on this website to address you as male would be a good way to ease into things. And you can see if you like that or not.

For how you dress, again, you can ease into it. Personally it made me happy to dress in athletic clothing (especially tank tops- to show off my non existent guns), or to dress like a greaser (Though I preferred a black t shirt to a white one), or a golfer. None of those things particularly scream ‘man’ but they were man enough to me. You can find things man enough for you. If you want to try out a binder and think you can get one without anyone noticing, my first ever one was a Tri-top from Underworks. They’re like $30 or so. I was able to get away with buying it because I was a cosplay nerd so I just said it was for that.

If you’re the type of person who owns makeup- you could try to find some time alone just to have an experiment of mimicking drag king makeup, or makeup for cosplayers doing male characters. I did that once early on, and while it looked admittedly goofy, it made me ecstatic at the time.

Er sorry for things getting so long. But I just want to say lastly that self doubt is both normal and okay. And thinking far in the future (ie- things like coming out to people or hormones or anything like that) might scare you. But you can take things one step at a time if you want to. Play with just looking at clothes, making outfits on pinterest or whatever, imagining scenarios where people address you as male, thinking of names you might like. See what makes you happy, and expand on the things that do from there.

And regardless of what you discover, in the end you will have learned more about yourself. And that's always a good thing.

#long post #VERY LONG IM SORRY #ask stuff

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