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un-invierno-eterno · 5 months

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Lunes 18 de diciembre del 2023 0:24

Estimado universo:

Buenas noches, bueno, no tan buenas.

Me encuentro triste y llena de amor en mi pecho que siento que voy a explotar.

Y tengo tanta pena porque no puedo sacarlo de ahí, no tengo con quien compartir ese amor y no es cualquier tipo de amor, es amor el cual no me quisiste entregar este año y el que tanto anhelaba entregar.

Sé que no había elegido a las personas correctas, pero que te costaba tener un poco de piedad conmigo, yo sólo pedí dar amor y ser amada románticamente.

Te rogué, te imploré, te lloré y le grite al cielo lo mucho que quería sentir algo así.

Además me destrozaste en la peor época de mi vida, maldita sea había perdido a mi abuela, un poco de piedad conmigo.

No la tuviste, preferiste que me usarán y botaran como si fuese cualquier mierda. Para después enterarme que esa persona si quería algo serio y que no sólo estuvo conmigo, si no que también con otra chica la cual si escogio y ahora él es muy feliz con ella. El dolor que sentí y en como tuve que esconderlo porque al permitir que no era nada serio era detestable, como mis huesos me dolian, como dejé de dormir, como no podía respirar del dolor pensando que yo nunca fui nada, en lo asquerosa que me sentía por permitirme algo así porque me había gustado mucho esta persona, pero yo no a él. Y nunca me respeto, me trataba como cualquier cosa y yo lo permití MALDITA SEA.

PARA VARIAR BUSQUE OTRO PARA LLENAR EL MALDITO VACIO QUE TENÍA PORQUE ME DOLIA TANTO. ERA COMO QUE MI PIEL SENTIA QUE SE QUEMABA Y RECORDABA UNA Y OTRA VEZ LA VEZ QUE ESTUVIMOS JUNTOS. Y EN COMO ME SENTIA INFINITA, HERMOSA Y QUERIDA.

Sentía que no daba asco, que merecía amar y que la vida en realidad si era hermosa y que yo era hermosa.

En parte, a pesar de todo el dolor y el asco me sentía completa y eso después de muchos años hizo que se me pasará el hambre y la ansiedad de llenar vacíos.

Pero cuando conocí al otro chico el vacío seguía y comencé a comer, sentía hambre, sentía asco, sentía que el amor me lo habían arrebatado, pero que si le daba una oportunidad a él que se suponía que me quería tanto, volvería a sentirme completa y que por fin y por primera vez tendría lo que tanto anhele. Pero se portó horrible conmigo, fue el ser más detestable que pudo pisar el planeta y eso que le tuve toda la paciencia que podría existir dentro de mi. Aunque yo sabía que no merecía eso así que actúe como era correcto y le dije que no. Y a él no le dolió ni un poco mandarme a la mierda, a pesar de que esperaba que se la jugará por mi tal y como lo había dicho muchas veces.

Me quedé sola y a él lo seguía viendo ser feliz con la chica que escogió. Veía como tenía lo que yo tanto quería y me obligue aceptar por ese corto tiempo sólo para sentirlo mío un par de veces por lo menos.

Mi corazón se rompió, el dolor era menor al que había vivido a mis 18 años, pero no por eso iba a ser ignorado. Este era un dolor diferente, fuerte y real. Porque aquí si había logrado tenerlos al menos un poco conmigo. A muyayo sólo lo besé y nada más. Ahora tenía escenas en mi cabeza de besos, caricias, salidas y de como me dijeron cosas que ninguna fue real.

El dolor era real hasta en los recuerdos.

Lloré por mucho tiempo, casi todas las noches. Recordaba los besos que el me daba y en como hacía que mi cuerpo temblará tocandome en lugares en los cuales ningún chico lo había hecho antes.

Recordaba cada escena, cada respiro, suspiro, gemido y temblor que había sentido.

Recordaba todo demasiado bien y lo sigo recordando como si hubiese Sido ayer. Ya no lo quiero, pero fue el único chico con el que llegué más lejos. Y él lo sabe, el sabe que fue el primero en verme así de vulnerable y nunca le importó porque ni siquiera tuvo cuidado conmigo. Quizás empatizo en ciertas ocasiones, pero no como yo quería.

Él sabe que yo me esforcé, que me viajaba Santiago entero solamente por ir a verlo a él, que mentía y lo escondía porque sólo quería estar con él. Y eso jamás le importó, él sabía que yo era una chica de casa, una chica inexperta que quería saber y aprender cosas del amor. Él sabía cómo me hacía sentir y nunca le importó.

Después de todo esto entre en una horrible depresión, dónde subí mucho de peso, me levantaba de mi cama sólo para bañarme y comer, me entró una dismorfia horrible de la cual aún estoy luchando porque después de todo eso sólo pude culpar a mi aspecto físico.

Sentía que había tenido empatía y trate de tener la mayor comunicación posible con ambos. Pero sólo recibí mierda y más mierda.

Mi cuerpo recibió todo esto y estuve meses sin mirarme del todo al espejo, me daba asco hasta tomarme fotos porque me sentía horrible.

Yo recuerdo como para el año nuevo te pedí enamorarme y ser correspondida. Pero sólo hiciste que jugarán conmigo para yo después terminar haciendo lo mismo y sin querer. Porque a diferencia de ellos, yo si me disculpé por lo que hice y ahora esa persona está felizmente pololeando y la verdad me encanta que alguien lo haya apreciado como yo nunca lo hice y él no me haya odiado por toda la mierda que le hice. Y me dijo que no me preocupara.

Y es que me sentía un monstruo de mierda.

Tuve que ver como el amor de mi vida era feliz con el amor de su vida. Y como ella cambio algo en él.

Finalmente, después de muchísimos años él me saluda y cada vez que lo hago quiero gritarle al cielo y al infierno el porqué ahora. Si yo lo amaba tanto, porque ahora que ya no puede ser mío y es que tanto el cielo como el infierno sabían cuánto amor le tenía. En como mi cuerpo aún tiembla cada vez que lo siento cerca, en como mi corazón grita su nombre y en como mi cuerpo siempre quizo que fuera él.

Y tuve que soportar con el dolor de mi alma esa escena que casi hace quitarme la vida. Y tú lo sabes, tu sabes cuánto me dolía y no te importa.

Hace una semana... Estaba sentada afuera en la cerámica de mi casa, le quitaba los pétalos a una flor y preguntándote si encontraría el amor o no. Respondiste que no, mi perrito se me perdió de vista y Vi una pareja a lo lejos caminar. No le hice caso, fui a buscar a mi viejito y era él con su novia. Recuerdo como él le hablaba a mi perrito y este no lo pescaba porque él niño está sordo. Y él me saluda, veo sus ojos y su hermosa sonrisa, quería morirme viendo esos malditos ojos cafés. Y después recuerdo que dije "Si dios quisiera matarme lo haría en un segundo'"

Esto ocurrió el sábado pasado, estaba vestida de la mierda, con mi pelo horrible, sin maquillaje, con buzo y una polera blanca. Me sentía asquerosa.

Y las ganas de huir lejos de esta tierra eran más grandes, sólo quiero huir y arrancarme el recuerdo de que él existe y me puede más que cualquiera en este lugar.

Yo sólo quería enamorarme y ser correspondida, yo sólo quería enamorarme y entregar todo el amor que tengo en mi alma. Yo sólo quería enamorarme y saber lo que sentía que te amen también. Quería hacer cosas nuevas, conocer lugares nuevos y andar de la mano porque descubrí que es algo que amo y me hace sentir segura.

Quería dedicarle mis cartas, mis dibujos y mi música a alguien, que se sintiera bien y que le gustaba porque venía de mi.

Quería sentir que podía comer en paz porque ya ese vacío no existía, quería brillar porque alguien me amaba y no era familia, era alguien externo a todo eso.

Sabes el dolor que tengo al saber que mi abuela Eugenia jamás me conoció a un pololo y ella siempre quiso conocerme a alguien pero no sé pudo porque ya se murió. El dolor es fuerte, me siento fracasada y desecha.

Pero a ti te importa una mierda, me das suerte en otras cosas, pero a veces también quiero que me amen, me saquen de mi mundito de mierda y me hagan sentir que la tierra también es mía.

Pero a ti no te importa.

Yo también quiero que me lleven a la cama y me hagan el amor, porque me lo merezco y lo necesito como el aire que respiro.

Pero eso a ti te importa una mierda.

Todo lo que tenga que ver con amor hacia mi, te importa una mierda y sólo quieres que trabaje, tenga dinero y mucha soledad.

-Winter❄️

Posdata: Ojalá el 2024 si te acuerdes de mi, pero quizás de nuevo me vuelvas a pasar por la raja al igual como lo hiciste en mi adolescencia.

#18/12/23 #1:26 am #un invierno eterno #un invierno eterno cartas #lunes #triste #desamor #idiota #depresión #cansada #enojada #Spotify

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heartbreak-sandwich · 5 months

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Billy Hargrove x Fem!OC

Summary: JJ Feron returns home for the holidays and attends a posh cocktail hour graciously organized by Mr. and Mrs. Harrington to honor her father's law firm. A surprise guest lights a fire in her, and things quickly take a mischievous turn. Unwrap the magic of this holiday season in the next 2.9k words ✨ CW: SMUT, unprotected sex, light spanking, light hair pulling, mirror scene, tons and tons of eye contact. A huge thank you to my beta reader and editor @lifesshort-imshorter for helping bring this piece to life!!!

DAY ONE OF HOHOHOE WEEK Prompt: Childhood Bedroom

“What the fuck is a ‘cocktail hour,’ anyway? The last place I want to be on my first day back in Hawkins is at some stuffy lawyer party with my parents and their insufferable colleagues.” JJ griped to Nancy on the phone as she donned her outfit for the evening’s party when a soft rapping at her bedroom door caught her attention. “Nance, I’ve got to go. I’ll text you.” JJ ended her call, tossing the phone onto her bed before the door cracked open slightly.

“Oh, that dress looks great on you!” Eileen Windrow-Feron had always maintained that image was everything, and the family image was something JJ had rebelled against since the moment she could speak. But that night, she agreed to wear the dress her mother picked out for her and to keep as quiet as she could so as not to taint the memory of the Harringtons’ first, and hopefully annual, cocktail hour in the honor of Feron, Hutchinson, Russell & Cobb.

The firm was a family heirloom of sorts, still running on what Linden Feron referred to as a “humble sum” of old money. JJ had no interest in the business, law, or any of her father’s pompous cohorts who were sure to attend, including Steve Harrington’s parents, though her mother was always gushing about what gracious hosts they were to welcome the family firm into their home. Those monologues always made JJ gag.

“I feel like my legs are shrink wrapped together,” JJ complained as she swiped her mother’s hands away from fixing the dress’s neckline.

“Jacqueline June, don’t be so negative. This is a very important night for your father,” Eileen scolded as she returned to busying herself with primping the dress to perfection.

“I get it; I really do. You’ve only said it about a hundred times,” JJ sighed.

“Well, a hundred and one won’t hurt,” Eileen quipped back. “There. Look at you.” Eileen

smiled proudly at her daughter in a black, knee-length, satin dress with spaghetti straps and a square neckline, her auburn curls pinned half up, and her frown painted a deep berry color. It took all of JJ’s strength not to roll her eyes while Eileen’s bright smile shone on her.

“When do we leave?” She turned away from her mother’s gaze, feeling awkward and vulnerable.

“Fifteen minutes. Be downstairs and ready.” JJ nodded in response as Eileen let herself out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

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“Hey Jay, long time, no see.” Steve Harrington stood in the foyer of his parents’ home in a forest green button-down with his famous hair coiffed to perfection. He was broader than before, but still just as JJ had always remembered him.

“Hey, Steve,” she replied as he enveloped her in a friendly hug. “When did you get in?”

“Just last night – late,” Steve grumbled. “But there’s no rest for the aristocratic,” he joked, running a hand through his chocolate brown locks. JJ smiled, the dimple in her left cheek coming out of hiding. She and Steve shared a lot of the same disdainful feelings for the crowd that surrounded them, though he was always described as easier to get along with by the older adults in their circle. He was a great friend, and a trustworthy confidante, and JJ had never been more glad to see him than in that particular moment.

“Thank God you’re here. I don’t know if I could stomach this alone,” she confessed quietly through gritted teeth.

“Well, you’ll be disappointed to know I’m on dish duty tonight and starting early to sneak out to a date.” Steve frowned, his eyes apologetic.

“No way,” JJ whined.

“‘Fraid so.” Steve nodded solemnly before pulling on JJ’s arm. “But look, look, look.” He spun her around and gestured across the living room to the fireplace where a group of men were standing, whiskey glasses in hand. “Do you see him?”

“See who?” JJ craned her neck every which way to get a glimpse of who Steve was talking about.

“Navy blue suit, smoking next to the ashtray on the mantle.” Was that – no. It couldn’t be.

“Is that Billy Hargrove?” JJ’s verdant eyes rounded in shock.

“In the flesh,” Steve confirmed.

“How? Why?” JJ couldn’t believe she was seeing Billy mingling with the high society of Hawkins at the most pretentious event of the year.

“He’s an intern for Cobb. I guess he’s smarter than I ever gave him credit for. Graduating from law school next year. I couldn’t believe it either.”

“Just when you think there are no surprises left,” JJ mumbled, staring hard at Billy’s distracted ocean eyes as he went through the motions and smiled, laughing politely at the undoubtedly dry jokes the old men told around his circle. “I need a drink.”

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JJ sighed deeply as she poured herself a new glass of chardonnay at the bar. Time wasn’t passing fast enough. She let her mind wander far away as she sipped, staring at the wall in front of her when a velvet voice snapped her back to reality.

“JJ Feron. I guess I should’ve known you’d be here.” She swiveled to meet Billy’s cerulean eyes. Seeing him up close was like a dream, though she’d never be caught dead saying it out loud. Billy punches-anything-that-looks-at-him-too-long Hargrove has always been a panty-dropper, but JJ never fell for his tricks, refusing to be another notch in his belt despite being historically curious to know why others were so eager to let Billy use them like that.

“Billy,” she replied curtly. “Fancy seeing you here. Shocking, honestly. How’s the internship going?” JJ’s glib, tight-lipped smile let Billy know she didn’t really care and wasn’t keen on his choice of profession, but he answered politely anyway.

“I’m learning a lot,” he replied, nodding and eyeing his boss across the room. “Mr. Cobb has been kind to me.”

“Kind?” JJ snorted. Andrew Cobb was anything but kind. She seemed to recall the firm brushing not just a few domestic violence incidents under the rug, but also generously covering his rehab expenses more than once as “undefined healthcare benefits.”

“That’s the best way I can describe it.” Billy smirked at JJ’s obvious disdain for Mr. Cobb, knowing she was right, but not being able to tell her in front of everyone that he was just doing his best to get ahead while he could.

“Of course you’re one of them now,” JJ chided, taking another healthy gulp of chardonnay.

“Woah, woah, hey.” Billy’s voice was low, husky, and deliberate as he leaned in closer, towering over her small frame. His eyes pierced hers like daggers – a war of sapphires and emeralds – as he made himself crystal clear. “Don’t you ever put me and those bastards in the same category, you understand?” JJ’s concentration was broken, and Billy’s sincerity gave her chills.

“Tell me why I shouldn’t.”

“I’m not one of those yuppy, scumbag corporate attorneys helping the rich guys keep up their image or kissing insurance company ass. As soon as I’m licensed, I’ll be a guardian ad litem for kids in the system, a legal advocate who can represent their best interest while the court decides their future. They need someone like me.” Billy’s expression was entirely serious, and JJ couldn’t help but feel some admiration for what he was doing. He was passionate, driven, and she knew he would succeed. Billy Hargrove never half-assed anything as long as she’d known him.

“I never would have guessed,” JJ almost whispered, holding out her glass for him to cheers. Billy’s face softened back into a half smile as he clinked his glass to hers, both of them taking a sip as Mr. Cobb appeared beside them, Billy’s meticulous mask sliding back into place to greet him.

“Jacqueline,” he crooned as JJ almost spat out her drink at her government name being used in front of one of her classmates. Only her mother was allowed to call her that. “You clean up so well.” Billy stared down at his shoes to hide his smirk at that comment because if he knew one thing, it was that you don’t slide backhanded compliments across JJ Feron’s table.

“Andy,” JJ gushed, her tone deliberately patronizing. “How’s New Wife Number Three? Getting along with Old Wife Number Two? Are they both here?” JJ looked around exaggeratedly, pretending to try and find them. Mr. Cobb’s face flushed crimson, and he said nothing more before making a quick exit back into the living room.

“Harsh,” Billy chuckled, sipping his whiskey.

“If you only knew.” JJ tried not to let her smile show, though she couldn’t help but be a bit proud of herself every time she told off someone who really deserved it. “Don’t look now.” JJ braced herself as Eileen rushed toward them, her brows tightly knitted together and fists balled up at her sides.

“Jacqueline June Feron,” she hissed. JJ sighed and let her eyes close, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“What,” she whined.

“You know exactly what.” Her mother was furious. “If you can’t behave, then make yourself scarce. Go help Steve in the kitchen. Now.” The order was clear, and there was no negotiation to be had. JJ raised her drink halfway to Billy and retreated to the kitchen to help Steve wash the guests’ dishes. At least in the sanctuary of the dish pit, she wouldn’t be subjected to any more prying eyes or passive aggressive remarks.

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“Please, Jay. Please. I’ll owe you one,” Steve begged, puppydog eyes fully engaged. JJ rolled her eyes and let him plead even though she knew from the start she’d agree. She just liked to hear his desperation.

“Fine, Steve, but you owe me for sure.” Steve beamed, shaking the suds off his hands into the sink and grabbing the nearest dish towel to dry off on.

“You’re my favorite, Jay,” he declared, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before rushing out of the kitchen, not to be seen for the rest of the night. It was just like Steve to make an early escape attempt for a date, but JJ didn’t mind. The silence was soothing, and anywhere was better than being out there on the floor with those assholes. She lost herself in the mundane routine of rinse, scrub, rinse, repeat and didn’t notice another body infiltrate her safe haven until she heard him.

“Harrington ditch you?” JJ could hear the grin in Billy’s voice.

“No,” she defended. “I told him it was okay to skip out early. You’d understand; he has a date.”

“A date, huh? Boy, do I feel sorry for that poor sucker of a lady,” he quipped. JJ couldn’t help but chuckle. A comfortable silence wafted among them as JJ continued her chore. “Care if I help?”

“Please don’t feel obligated. You should go enjoy the rest of the party.” She tried to keep her tone level, but it came out with a thin layer of venomous icing on top.

“Right. Move over.” Billy appeared alongside JJ and rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt one at a time, and something about the way his strong, veined hands worked over the cuffs so effortlessly and methodically made her heart palpate in her chest.

She worked next to him for the better part of an hour, exchanging small talk and telling stories about college. They laughed like old friends, and JJ decided during that time that maybe Billy wasn’t as much of a dick as she had always assumed.

“Billy Hargrove on the straight and narrow, huh? I guess anything is possible,” JJ teased through a dimpled smile.

“Hey, now,” Billy retorted. “Don’t go spreading that rumor around town. I’ve still got a little fire in me. I just have to pick and choose the right opportunities to let it out.” JJ met his gaze, and his eyes glinted like the edge of a switchblade, a devilish smirk forming in the corner of his mouth. Her insides turned to putty, and in that moment, she conceded to becoming another notch in the belt of the devil – she just couldn’t help herself.

“How do you know which opportunities are the right ones?” Instinctively, she took a step closer to him so their legs were touching. Billy looked down at the contact and then back up into her eyes, a smile blooming on his plush lips.

Pinning her with his stare, he let his fingertips brush over the exposed skin of her shoulder, brushing back a lock of her hair that had fallen out of place. “Well,” he drawled. JJ’s breath hitched at the feeling of his smooth hand tracing over her goosebumps, nowhere near where she really wanted it to be. “I guess I just feel it out.”

“So how do you feel about this opportunity?” JJ toyed with Billy’s tie between her fingers, pressing her body into him, her eye contact unwavering.

“I’d say I feel pretty damn good. What do you say we get out of here?” He leaned closer, the scent of whiskey, smoke, and spicy aftershave lulling her into a trance as she answered.

“Why get out of here when we can go up?” JJ pointed to the staircase in the hallway, and Billy’s eyes widened.

“Here? During the party?” JJ giggled at his hesitation.

“Come on, I thought you said you were still big, bad Billy Hargrove,” she teased. “Steve’s gone for the night, and his bedroom is at the end of the hall. If we hurry, no one will see us leave.” Billy grinned at her tenacity. This girl was everything he always thought she was, and maybe even more.

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“Fuck – yes, just like that.” JJ threw her head back in bliss, palms pressed flat against the full-length mirror. Despite being in Steve’s childhood bedroom where the walls were decorated with old polaroids from his high school days and a Back to the Future movie poster, she had never felt so alive. Each nerve ending in her body was consumed by Billy’s every touch.

The lights were off, but the glow of the streetlight through the window was enough to ensure she could still watch Billy pound her from behind just the way she had secretly fantasized about for the last decade. She felt his fingertips curl around her hip bone, making small crescent-shaped imprints in her skin as his other hand tightened around the makeshift ponytail he held her disheveled hair in.

“Look at me,” Billy growled. JJ’s eyes snapped up obediently to meet his in the mirror. Even in the dark, she could tell his pupils were blown with lust, the deep blue pools no longer visible around them. Sweat glistened over his chest as his thrusts quickened and stuttered, and JJ could feel the rubber band in her core tightening, dreadfully close to snapping as she tried to stifle the moans wracking from her throat. It was just too good.

Billy’s hand left her hip and trailed up to her lips, signaling for her to open her mouth, which she obeyed. The pads of his first two fingers glided along her velvety soft tongue, gathering saliva before he brought them down to her aching clit, sliding slick circles in a perfect rhythm, eliciting a cry of pleasure she couldn’t contain in the slightest.

“Billy, please, don’t stop!” The frame of the mirror rattled shamelessly against the wall as Billy fucked into her harder and faster, everything about their encounter turning delectably wreckless when Billy realized there was no way the crowd downstairs didn’t hear what was happening.

“You gonna cum for me, baby?” His grip on her hair tightened again, pulling her gaze back up to meet his eyes right where he wanted her.

“I’m – mmm, fuck. I’m gonna cum for you, Billy. Right – right now.” JJ let out a chorus of long, low moans as her eyes rolled back and her knees gave out, held up solely by the fierce grip Billy had in her hair and the electrifying circles he was still lavishing on her clit. After nearly drowning under each tidal wave of her climax, she was totally breathless and barely able to stand.

A hand came down hard on her asscheek with a crack. Seconds later, JJ let out a pathetic whimper at the sudden emptiness as Billy pulled out and slammed her back to his chest. Standing her up and clasping a hand around her throat, he kept contact in the mirror as he growled into her ear, “Good girl.”

Thick, white ropes painted the mirror in front of them as he kissed and sucked at her neck while gravelly moans thundered from deep within his chest. JJ felt high on the adrenaline of what they had just done, her grin shining through the shadows as Billy planted a soft kiss to the side of her face, still looking into her eyes with a devious edge to his expression.

“Welcome home, Jacqueline,” Billy purred. JJ scoffed, rolling her eyes, but she didn’t protest this time. Something about him saying her name like that actually felt good.“We’d better get cleaned up and work out our story. Someone’s bound to ask after all that…percussion.” Billy chuckled as he handed JJ her dress, and the two of them straightened up, fixing each other’s flyaway hairs and creased fabric before descending back to the land of the mundane.

💕Tag List: @imyourdaninow @justsimonrileythings @b1tchy3lf @jozstankovich @darleenjade @peachyaliien @dananahenderson @strangerthing93 @yoyokiss97 @californiaboytoybilly

#Billy Hargrove #Billy Hargrove smut #Billy Hargrove x fem!oc #Billy Hargrove x oc #oc JJ Feron #Fergrove <3 #Steve Harrington #Nancy Wheeler #hohohoe23 #day one - prompt: childhood bedroom #writing events #holiday writing event #smut tho for real #12/18/23

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