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#90 day journey

My week 8 weigh in was actually two days ago (and my weight has changed since then) but I’ll give you the breakdown.

Week 2 Weigh-In: 133.8 lbs
Change over 1 week: +1.8 lbs
Change since beginning: +0.3 lbs

Week 3 Weigh-In: 131.5 lbs
Change over 1 week: -2.3 lbs
Change since beginning: 2 lbs

Week 4 Weigh-In: 130 lbs
Change over 1 week: 1.5 lbs
Change since beginning: 3.5 lbs

Week 5 Weigh-In: N/A (away for holiday; didn’t measure)

Week 6 Weigh-In: 131.5 lbs (just returned from holiday)
Change over 1 week: N/A
Change since beginning: 3.5 lbs

Week 7 Weigh-In: 128 lbs
Change over 1 week: 3.5 lbs
Change since beginning: 5.8 lbs

Week 8 Weigh-In: 127 lbs
Change over 1 week: 1 lb
Change since beginning: 6.8 lbs

It’s been a weird week. This may be TMI, but it’s my blog, so whatever. Basically, my last period ended before I started my 90 day journey, and I haven’t gotten it since… until this week, when it finally returned. I’m not sure why. (No, I was not pregnant.) My best guess is that the combination of intense exercise and travel made my body freak out (and I tend to not be the most regular regardless). 

So anyway, ever since my period returned, my weight has fluctuated a lot. Here is the breakdown of the past week:

Day 53: 128.5
Day 54: 129.5
Day 55: 131
Day 56: 129.5
Day 57: 127 
Day 58: 127.5
Day 59: 128

Like, how weird is that? Maybe it’s not too weird - I looked it up, and according to Google, your weight can fluctuate up to 5 lbs around your period. It just so happened that it dipped on the day of my Week 8 weigh-in, but it’s climbing back up again. Who knows. I’ll wait until I’ve stopped bleeding to make any kind of final judgement call.

I also haven’t exercised much this week, again because of my period. I’ve just been more physically tired, and it felt like the right thing to do to let my body rest. 

I’m nervous about hitting my goal - I still have 3-ish pounds to lose (considering that I’m at 128 today) and only about 30 days to do it. But you know what? I’m going to work hard, do my best, and even if I don’t make it to 125 lbs by the end of my 90 day journey, it will still be okay. I’m healthier now than I was, and I’ve still made a tremendous amount of progress. 

And I’m not giving up yet!

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I’m quickly becoming disenchanted with my analog scale… because I can’t actually read exactly what my weight number is! But as far as I can tell, today I came in right under 134 lbs, so I’m going with:

Week 2 Weigh-In: 133.8 lbs

Change over 1 week: +1.8 lbs
Change since beginning: +0.3 lbs

There’s a chance that my scale at home is measuring me lighter than I actually am - remember the 3 lb jump when I weighed myself on the digital scale for the first time? But according to this scale, I am currently around 133.8 lbs.

Now, I have thought about this two ways. I could either be disappointed that I am back to almost exactly where I started, OR I could be impressed and happy that my body was able to bounce back to where it was so quickly after the holiday madness. I am going to go with the latter option.

I have 9 pounds to lose in the next 10 weeks. I fully believe that my body can do it, and I am excited to continue my journey of transformation!! I am back, I am focused, and I am revved up.

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Yesterday, I did not eat dinner before going home (it was just way too early), but I did eat dinner directly after working out instead of showing first. I wanted to make sure I ate all of my dinner before 8:00pm. I succeeded in that, and I think I finished eating everything for the night by 8:30pm (except for a tiny piece of chocolate that I had around 9:30pm). I have a feeling eating my dinner earlier like this is going to help! I don’t know if this is related to my earlier dinner last night, but I actually felt hungry for breakfast this morning - I usually have to force myself to eat breakfast before work. 

Here’s to the next 10 weeks!

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Today has been a continued bustle of productivity and positivity. I didn’t end up doing cardio, I am still pretty sore from my workout yesterday, but I still plan to go tomorrow. Food wise I probably get a solid B, not too bad, still steps forward but I could do better. It was a super busy day. I had class at 9:30 and was working on something or in a meeting till 6:30 pm. I kept up with my tasks, listened to my body, didn’t focus on the bad and really tried to not let obstacles weigh me down. Again I was in the midst of lazy mush by the time Mark stumbled out the door by 10:30 since he had bad sleep and was napping with me on the couch until he had to leave. But, knowing how well my day had started today due to my diligence last night I got up, tidied the house, painted my nails, and started this entry. 

Accomplishments

I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. Tuesdays are usually very busy for me and I almost never tackle everything I should, those things usually get pushed further and further into the week. But today I talked to three different professors about scholarships, my thesis, and looking over midterms to prepare for the final. I wrote out and formatted my final project for yoga. I worked a shift as a lab monitor after my astronomy class, game production class, and game design class. Between those I had a team meeting where I got a decent amount of work done on the design of our game while working on some concept art for it. I avoided going out to eat for dinner and saved some money even though I was super tired and wanted taco bell, stuck to my calorie goal, and was a tolerable human to others, perhaps even pleasant. The only things I didn’t do that were on my list were cardio, which my body said “no” to, and work on some posters, but the due date got moved back so I’ll work on them on a day I’m not so busy. 

Productivity, Self care, and Introspection

At this rate I probably won’t be wopping out some killer before and after photos by 90 days, but honestly I think I’ll be making even more substantial progress in my mental state. My discipline, patience, and overall disposition has been shifting steadily for the better. I know I’ll probably hit more rough patches, but I’m trying to keep this ball rolling as long as possible. I want to maintain these good habits. I’ve been better at brushing my teeth, taking off my make up, and putting away my clothes when I change. I know they are small things, but I have two thoughts about these things:

-Either that neglecting these tasks can cause a snow ball affect of things not feeling right, dirty surroundings and body make you feel funky, and that leaks into other areas of your life, triggering stress, anxiety, and depression.

-or-

-The pattern of these minor self-care tasks being neglected can be an indicator that something larger is weighing on the mind, causing distress and apathy.

I don’t think its a chicken vs the egg situation, but merely something to be aware of when I start to notice certain patterns. That way I can ask myself, why do I not want to do these things? Perhaps it won’t hurt if I do them, and if that helps then great! If not, then now you have a tidy room and clean body in which to solve your larger problems. 

It all seems so simple, but with so many responsibilities it is easy to loose tract of the most foundational of tasks and accidentally have your whole life topple if you overlook them for too long.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be another busy day but not like today with a ton of tasks, instead after class I’ll need to really sit down and concentrate on making some headway on a project I’m working on. So, here are some goals:

  • workout!
  • FINISH modeling that 3D model! & turn it in
  • actually eat your healthy packed lunch/ dinner and don’t cave to cravings
  • in reward you can get 1 small almond latte for energy while you work through the evening
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Thanksgiving week is over and I have come through grateful and only about a pound or two heavier with all the extra food volume. I’d be lying if I said it was easy to no have a tun of food guilt, tolerate the comments on my appearance, and general anxiety of eating around people and having them look at me. Since we live out of town I always have grand notions that by the next time they see me there will be noticeable change, and when there isn’t I beat myself up, and if there is then I feel awful that I was ever bigger in the first place. I have really been working on being more patient and kind with myself, that even if what I did or ate didn’t completely fit “The plan” that it isn’t ruined, I don’t have to start all over. Today is still day 6. So instead of starting, messing up, stopping, being sad, rinse and repeat I will learn and continue from my mistakes. 

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So here are some things I’ve learned this week

  • I like how eggs & quinoa make me feel
  • HAVING to blog everyday makes me a little stressed, so I’m just going to blog whenever I’ve got stuff to write, which might end up being everyday
  • I crave sugary things still, but I don’t get joy from them like I used to
  • Earl Grey gives me the best amount of caffeine to no anxious getters ratio
  • I do very well with going to bed early and waking up early 11 pm tp 7 am 

Changes I’ll make this week

  • Try intermittent fasting 1-7pm
  • actually work out this week 5 days
  • try a kinda Keto, under 50g carbs
  • drink less coffee more tea
  • really focus on self-discipline 

I want to be flexible mentally and physically. I can’t let every little change to a schedule or slip up break me. I always just end up moping on the couch looking out the window in a pool of self loathing and it takes forever to get out of the funk. 

Burn out is another source of self loathing I have been working on. I just can’t seem to produce any art, and every time I try I just get so frustrated. The last time I was this dry the thing that pulled me out was 3D modeling, so I’t try to sit and do a side project tomorrow to get the juices flowing again. 

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Food

Yesterday was a model obstacle of trying to be both healthy and moderate when it comes to food; maintaining my weight and quality of life. I was very fortunate to be invited by a sweet friend to come over and have a girls day. There was mimosas, eggnog, petite fours, egg’s Benedict, and mini twice baked potatoes! Lots of delicious stuff she put time and money into preparing for an additional friend and I wanted to enjoy the spread she made so I skipped out on breakfast (probably a bad idea in hind sight) and ate what she made.  When I got home a little later on I had a grilled cheese and the other half of the kombucha I had the day before. I probably should have skipped out on the alcoholic sugary beverages, I had a headache and it only made it worse.  I probably didn’t need to nibble on the potatoes so much, but since I’d skipped breakfast and everything smelled so good, it was hard to say no. All in all it was a pretty meh day health wise and I didn’t do any physical activity or meditation. With no hard schedule during the break I struggle to make my own routine, and have been pretty disappointed in myself.

Reflection

 I’ve been doubting if I should have started this at such an indulgent and chaotic time of the year, but I’m trying to accept it as a challenge. I want to take this time to at least write out and analyze what is and isn’t working. Everyday doesn’t have to be a leap forward, as long as it isn’t a leap back. Days like today and yesterday are good for self reflection, asking why I make certain decisions, and how I felt because of them. What can I do in the future to prevent certain situations or make other things better?

Gratefulness

  I can’t help but feel like writing all this out is taking for granted how fortunate I am to have a choice of what I eat, how much, when, or have anything to eat at all. I am so grateful and I really try to not be wasteful too. I think that if I have the opportunities and access to the resources to be healthy, that there is no excuse to not be, at least much less of one. The sooner I feel healthier and more confident in my body, the better I’ll be at dedicating my time at helping others or working on my own projects. At least I hope.


Art, Aesthetics, and the Human body

 I feel guilty about getting hung up about something quite cosmetic, but my job (being a concept artist) revolves around my ability to make things appealing to the eye. I’d like to say I’m pretty good at it too, so when I look in the mirror my brain keeps working. It wants to tweak this or that, just as I would be expected to do on a character to make their proportions right for the kind of character they are supposed to be. There is a person who I think I am, and if I were to draw her, she would not look like me, and that is pretty frustrating sometimes. Its silly and so small, but it bugs me!

 I know other artists go through this too. We try to dance on the tight rope of stereotypes in art. If we are wanting to draw someone strong, the best way to get that idea communicate quickly is by drawing a large man with huge biceps and traps. If we want to draw someone who is sexy, its a tall thin yet curvy woman with long hair. Surface level it seems harmless, its just cartoons right? But words like strong and sexy don’t have a gender automatically assigned to them, nor a race, body proportion ratios, or anything like that. Artists try to mix it up and push boundaries while still playing with easily recognizable tropes. The say about 80% of whatever you are working on should be recognizable, recycled so people will relate to it and the other 20% is original, your own spin. It sounds weird but it works. It’s hard for me not to try and apply these things to myself. 

Keep reading

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Today marks my three year anniversary w/ @toneitup!!! I love being on this journey w/ you girls. Thx for pushing me out of my comfort zone & encouraging me to grow. I used to be so intimidated by weights & strength training & now it’s my favorite thing! See you gorgeous gals on the mat this summer!! 🥂🥩🤸🏼‍♀️🔥🏋🏼‍♀️🔥🧘🏼‍♀️🥗🥂

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