#But I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything new in MONTHS

[ale-wosofan]

broken

Alexia x R

R is struggling but she’s not sure why or how to fix it. Will she finally be honest with her girlfriend about how she’s feeling?

warnings: little bit of angst (+fluff), implied adhd

a/n: English is not my first language (I’m aware how much of a cliché that is) so there might be some mistakes; feel free to correct them :) Here I talk about my personal experience with adhd, please don’t use this to self-diagnose, as it is not the same for everyone. Enjoy!

-----

The first time you feel that there’s something wrong with you, you’re at home with your girlfriend.

“Hey, princesa. Have you seen that there’s a new season of that TV show you like?” Alexia asks you once you’ve sat down on the sofa.

“Oh, I didn’t know,” you shrug settling on top of your girlfriend and kissing her cheek.

Alexia looks a little surprised at your answer but starts running her hands up and down your back nonetheless.

“How come? I thought you said it was, and I’m quoting you, the best show you’ve ever seen.”

But you don’t answer. You don’t really know what happened, you’re just not that passionate about that particular show anymore. You had been interested for a few months; had watched all the interviews, bloopers, deleted scenes, but now you just didn’t like it as much anymore. You’ve had a few intense months thinking and talking about the show almost every minute of every day so you probably just need time away from it now that all that initial intensity has worn off.

You don’t realise how much time you’ve been quiet until Alexia speaks again.

“Amor?” you hum in acknowledgement urging her to continue “are you okay?”

“Yeah, just got a little distracted,” you answer shuffling around a little bit trying to get comfortable.

After a couple of minutes moving around you can’t seem to settle. You sigh and sit up feeling Alexia’s eyes on you the entire time.

“So, have you finished the work you had to do?” your girlfriend asks while putting her feet on your lap.

“No, not yet. But I really needed a break.”

Alexia looks up at you surprised.

“¿De verdad? I thought it was supposed to be something easy. You’ve been working for almost two hours.”

You frown. There’s no way it’s been two hours, right? That can’t be possible. But when you look at your watch you realise that it really has been two hours. You have spent all that time in your office and haven’t been able to finish a relatively simple task.

“Today is not my day, I guess,” you say rubbing your hands on your face with frustration “I’m a little distracted today, I can’t seem to concentrate on anything.”

But it wasn’t just today, and you knew that. It was something that had been going on for a while. You couldn’t exactly pinpoint when it had started to happen, but it got bad after the quarantine. You were on your second year of college when the pandemic occurred. You spent a few months studying online, a few months that felt like a bliss to you despite everything that was happening in the world. But you had to come back to class eventually. And it was fine; until it wasn’t. Every time you tried to pay attention to class you got distracted and couldn’t focus on what the teachers were saying for more than a few minutes at a time. When you had projects to do you couldn’t bring yourself to work on them and waited until the last day to get them done. Studying suddenly became a torture since you couldn’t concentrate for long. What once used to take you ten minutes, now it took an hour.

And the thing is you still don’t understand why. You don’t know what’s wrong with you now that wasn’t before. It hadn’t really bothered you before, you’d been able to deal with it for some time. But now it feels like it just keeps getting worse with each passing day. Deep down you know you need help, and you know you should talk to someone about this, but you don’t feel ready to. Not yet.

“How about you keep working on it tomorrow? And we can relax for the rest of the say. We can have a nice bath and then order some food. How does that sound?”

You smile at your girlfriend. How did you ever get so lucky?

“Yeah, I’d really like that.”

-----

The second time you feel that there’s something wrong with you, Alexia had just come home from training.

When you hear the door front open and your girlfriend call out for you, you’re lying on your bed scrolling through social media.

You get up and go say hello to her.

“Hi, baby,” you greet her opening your arms for a hug.

“Hola, mi amor.”

She takes a step back from your embrace, places her hands on your cheeks and kisses you passionately. And just as quickly as it had started she was pulling away.

“Hi,” you repeat feeling yourself blush.

“Hi,” your girlfriend answers kissing your forehead “I’m going to take a shower.”

You blink slowly taking a few seconds to get yourself together, being quickly interrupted by Alexia calling your name from the bedroom.

You make your way there but stop in your tracks in the door frame when you realise why your girlfriend had called for you.

“Princesa, what happened here?”

You give her a smile that you’re pretty sure turns out looking more like a grimace.

“Okay so, I wanted to rearrange some of the books-”

“Again?”

“-but then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to organize them by colour or by genre, so I decided to watch a video to decide. But then I got distracted by another video and kind of forgot what I was doing in the first place, so I just laid down and waited for you to come home,” you answer honestly giving your girlfriend a sheepish smile.

Alexia looks at you in deep thought.

“Okay, how about this? I take a shower and get into some comfortable clothes and once I’m done I’ll help you with all this.”

You sometimes wonder how someone so perfect like the woman in front of you exists.

“Or, we could shower together and then work on the bookshelf together as well,” you suggest smirking.

Your girlfriends lets out a chuckle and kisses your cheek.

“Nice try, but if we do that we might never be able to come out of the shower.”

Once your girlfriend is out of sight you take a look at all the books splattered around the room. The state of the place is certainly overwhelming and it just stresses you out more. Where are you supposed to start?

You sigh and sit down on the bed.

You should’ve finished this before Alexia got here. You’d had more than enough time to do it, so why couldn’t you just focus on your task like everyone else instead of getting distracted with everything? Now your girlfriend had to help you out instead of resting after the long day she probably had.

You rub your hands on your face in frustration. It really isn’t supposed to be that hard right?

“Yeah, I’m just a little lazy sometimes,” you whisper to no one in particular before getting up.

-----

The third time you feel that there’s something wrong with you, you’ve just gotten to your house from work.

When you arrive home you’re exhausted.

Stepping into the house the first thing you notice is the Spanish music playing in the background and the smell of your favourite meal being cooked.

Walking into the kitchen you are welcomed by the sight of your girlfriend wearing one of your old shirts dancing and cooking.

“Hi, love.”

She turns around at the sound of your voice and looks at you with a lovesick smile.

“Hola, princesa,” she quickly answers opening her arms for you to hug her, which you happily do “How was your day?”

You step out of her embrace and give her a kiss before making a face.

“It could’ve been better,” you tell her honestly.

You sit in one of the stools while your girlfriend resumes her cooking duties keeping an eye on you the whole time.

“¿Por qué? Did anything happen?”

“No, nothing in particular,” you pause, deciding whether or not to continue “Although there’s a new project I’ve been working on, which is obviously really exciting, but I’ve spent all morning busy with it; emailing people, setting the different dates for it, planning meetings and all that.”

Alexia completely turns around to look at you and nods urging you to keep talking.

“I just-” you sigh frustrated “I suddenly got hungry, right? And I looked at the time and realised that it was already pretty late and I hadn’t eaten lunch yet, so I went to grab a sandwich to the shop nearby. Then, on the way back I went past that bookstore I really like so I decided to have a look around for a bit to relax, and I ended up buying that book I told you came out yesterday.”

Your girlfriend’s frown deepens.

“Isn’t that a sequel to a book you haven’t read yet?”

“Yes,” you whisper a little embarrassed “I know it was a stupid decision, but I really wanted to buy it in that moment. Then I just felt bad because I had spent money on something I don’t even know if I’ll like.”

You feel yourself blush at the admission and hide your face in your hands.

“Hey,” you hear your girlfriend quietly say in your ear while she wraps her arms around your waist “There’s really no need to be embarrassed, ¿vale? You bought something you wanted after having a fairly stressful day at work. I promise you it’s not the end of the world, mi amor.”

With each word she says you begin to slowly relax in her arms.

You turn around and take her face in your hands.

“How do you always know what to say?”

“Because I love you and I know you better than I know myself,” she answers placing a kiss in your nose “Now you’re going to take a shower, we’re going to have dinner and then we’re gonna cuddle while watching a film. Tomorrow will be a better day, princesa, I promise.”

You nod although you don’t fully believe it.

-----

When you finally lay down to watch TV with your girlfriend you can’t seem to settle. Your mind is working really fast and you’re starting to get a little bit restless.

You haven’t really thought about it until now, but what if there is something actually wrong with you? What if it isn’t just a bad day? What if all the sleepless nights, the impulsivity, the difficulty staying focused for too long and the racing thoughts are all somehow connected? There’s no way, you or someone around you would’ve realised sooner. Right?

You feel Alexia’s eyes on you when you stop the show you’re watching.

You try not to think about it too much and begin to speak.

“Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”

“What do you mean?” she asks confused.

“Never mind. Just ignore what I’ve said,” you answer shaking your head and laying down on top of your girlfriend again.

“Hey, no. None of that,” Alexia sits up with you in her lap and takes your face on her hands “What’s going on? Talk to me, please,” she begs worried.

Looking at her you realise that this is your partner, the person you’re building your future with. You are aware this is a tough thing to talk to her about but there’s no one you trust more in this world. She is your home.

“I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately, like my mind is always racing and I can't seem to focus on anything for long. I mean, it actually started a while ago, but it’s just been getting worse. I’m not sure how to explain it,” you confess.

Your girlfriend takes both of your hands and smiles encouragingly at you.

“Try. I’m listening and whatever it is I’m here for you, okay? Always, te lo prometo.”

“Okay, so, have you notice how I always seem to jump from one thing to another without actually finishing anything? I've tried making to-do lists and setting reminders, but nothing seems to work. And that’s just one of the things, you know? But it’s also not being able to sit still for more than five minutes and acting always so impulsive. And it's starting to affect everything I do. I just-” you take a deep breath “I’m always so frustrated. I just want to be able to be like everyone else, but it's like my brain is wired differently.”

“How long has this been going on?” Alexia asks concerned.

“I don’t know. A few months, I think.”

Your girlfriend lets go of your hands and holds your face instead making you look into her eyes.

“Mi amor, listen to me. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Yes, your brain may work a little bit different but that doesn’t mean you’re stupid or broken, ¿vale? It's okay to feel overwhelmed, and it's good that you're talking about it. But I really need you to understand that. What do you want to do now?”

“I’m not sure, I wasn’t even planning on telling you to be honest,” you admit feeling yourself blushing.

“Maybe it could be helpful to talk to a professional about all of this?” Alexia suggest “Whatever you feel comfortable doing.”

You shrug and hide your face on her neck.

“Yeah, I guess. You promise me you’re not going anywhere?”

Your girlfriend kisses your forehead before answering.

“I'm here for you no matter what, we will figure this out. Thank you for sharing this with me, princesa.”

“Thank you for listening to me,” you whisper just for the two of you “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-----

Maybe I'll write a sequel to this but I'm not really sure. Let me know what you think! <3

#woso x reader #woso fanfics #woso imagine #woso community #woso #woso angst #woso blurbs #woso couples #woso drama #woso fluff #alexia putellas #alexia x reader #alexia putellas x reader

[girlgrouptrash101]

Yunjin (Lesserafim) - New York, New York

Request: "Glad to see that you’re back! May I request a fluffy yunjin fic where they explore New York together? It could be in yunjin’s home city or New York City!! Everything else is up to you, I’ll appreciate anything honestly ahhaha ty" Word Count: 1,531 Warnings: N/A A/N: a christmas fic after christmas? how dare i...

- C

It had been a long time since you had travelled outside of Korea, all thanks to work, those pesky bills that needed paying every month, and all those other fun responsibilities of daily life. Adulthood was simply keeping you so occupied that the thoughts of vacationing abroad had not crossed your mind in a very long time. With Christmas soon approaching, you were just looking forward to some downtime with your girlfriend, Yunjin, and perhaps a glass of wine or two.

Surely nothing could be better than that, right?

Or so you thought.

It was a cold evening outside, your breath lingering in front of you as you made your way to your apartment block. Your eyebrows were furrowed as you moved along the sidewalk, deep in concentration to avoid stepping on any slippery patches that would have you falling over. Once you finally made it inside the lobby doors, you made a beeline for the elevator that would quickly whisk you up to your apartment door and into the warm embrace of your beloved girlfriend, Yunjin.

The red-headed girl in question was waiting nervously in your apartment, side-eying the red envelope she had left sitting on the kitchen counter earlier. It was your guys’ second Christmas together, and the first where you both were able to get time off, and she wanted to make it special. However, knowing you were looking forward to a quiet Christmas at home, she was worried the gift wouldn’t go down well.

Yunjin’s thoughts were cut short when she heard your key in the door, her smile reaching her eyes as she saw you. She opened her arms wide for you to fall into, her arms rubbing up and down the back of your long winter coat as she tried her best to warm you up. After greeting each other and catching up on all the happenings of the day, Yunjin finally moved to hand you the red envelope. Before she let it go completely, she let all of her worries spill from her lips.

“Listen, baby, I don’t know if you’ll like the gift, and that’s totally okay! Just let me know and we can return everything, I just thought it would be a nice idea, but seriously if you don’t want to-“

“Jen.” You said shortly, cutting off her rambling. You didn’t need to say anymore as your eyes conveyed the rest of the ‘girl, I didn’t even open it yet’ message that you were relaying to her. With a smile playing on your lips, you carefully unsealed the envelope.

Your eyes widened as plane tickets fell out. Not just any plane tickets either, plane tickets to Yunjin’s hometown, New York. Before you could even thank her, your girlfriend began to mumble again.

“Again, baby, if you would prefer to just spend the holidays here-“

Anything else she had to say quickly escaped her mind as you kissed her. You were over the moon with the gift, excited to spend Christmas differently this year.

“Jen, darling, I love it. I am so excited, I already can’t wait to go!” You exclaimed, your arms looping around her neck as she held your waist tightly.

“Well that’s great news, considering our flight leaves tomorrow…” She replied, a sheepish look on her face as your eyes widened.

“Tomorrow! Jen I haven’t even done any laundry this week! Oh my god…”

And with that, you quickly ran to your room to get your things together, your girlfriend following behind you with a smile on her face, looking forward to all the memories you were soon to make together.

You found it hard to believe that just a day or two before you were finishing up the last of your work in your office before the holidays, and now you were here in New York with the love of your life. With a coffee in one hand and Yunjin’s hand in the other, you couldn’t imagine a better way to spend your Christmas.

You were especially relieved to see that Yunjin hadn’t forgotten anything about New York despite how long she’d been living in Korea. She brought you to all her favourite places in New York city on the first two days of your trip which had been amazing, (apart from the rats, of course). The restaurants, endless flashing lights, shopping, galleries, and everything had been truly amazing. You couldn’t help but feel like a princess as Yunjin took you everywhere and anywhere that she thought you’d like, and of course, every time she was right. How lucky you were to have a tour guide who knew you like the back of your hand, huh?

As Christmas eve rolled around, Yunjin decided to move away from New York city and towards her hometown, which was completely different to the hustle and bustle of busy city life. The calmness of the suburbs was something you felt grateful for.

After arriving at Yunjin’s family home and being introduced to her relatives, your girlfriend decided to take you out on an evening walk to show you around where she had grown up. Standing at the end of her driveway, you waited for her to finish tying her winter boots before walking down to you.

“Better wrap your scarf up love, it’s going to be a chilly one.” Yunjin said as she made her way towards you, already reaching for the ends of your scarf herself as she spoke. After wrapping the material around your face and neck and satisfied you’d be nice and toasty on your evening walk, she gave you a quick peck on your already reddening nose before interlacing your fingers and leading the way.

“So firstly, this, of course, is the street I grew up on.” She said matter-of-factly, a smile on her face as she looked at the rows of houses around her. “My best friend, Leah, used to live in that house over there. And scary neighbour Larry used to live in that green one over there!” She rambled, the memories of her childhood racing back to her as she retraced the steps along the familiar street that she used to walk everyday all those years ago.

“Scary neighbour huh? What made him scary?” You asked, the smile never leaving your face as Yunjin animatedly recounted stories from her joyful childhood.

“I’m sure as kids we found him much scarier than he was, but he was the kinda guy to keep any toys or stuff that accidentally landed in his yard. We never got anything back from him, no matter how nicely we asked! Pretty rude if you ask me.” She said playfully, squeezing your hand as she pulled you closer to her.

After a trip round the neighbourhood that brought you past the schools Yunjin attended, the park she used to play in with her friends, her favourite local store with the nice lady who used to give her free candy, and so much more, you finally recognised the street as the one where Yunjin’s house was. Knowing your walk was coming to an end soon, you stopped her with a tug on her hand, the soft hand that hadn’t left yours go for a second since the day she met you.

“Jen, I just wanted to say thank you for doing this. Like, showing me around, looking after me, even just bringing me here in the first place. Just, for everything. Thank you.” You said honestly, feeling a little shy as you looked down at your snow-covered boots.

“Y/N, you don’t ever have to thank me for anything. It should be the other way around you know. What would I do without you and the endless patience you have for me and my stories, eh? You know you can tell me to shut up if you need to.” She said jokingly. You laughed with her for a moment before speaking up again.

“No, Jen, honestly… like, I have never felt this way about anyone before. Being here, learning even more about you, I could never get tired of it. I want to know everything about you, love. I just want to be a part of all this, be a part of you and your life.” You said, looking her in the eyes. Yunjin was taken aback by your sincerity, it was a side of you that didn’t show often.

“Hearing that means so much, Y/N. I want to know everything about you too, and go everywhere with you, and experience life with you. I haven’t felt like this about anyone else either, you know? You really are my person.” She replied, that soft smile reaching her eyes again. If there was one thing that could always make you weak in the knees it was that damn smile. Not being able to hold back anymore, your hand finally left hers to cup her cheek, pulling her in for a soft kiss.

There was no one else who could make you feel the way she did.

In that moment, there was no one in the world that could have convinced you that Huh Yunjin wasn’t made to be your soulmate.

#lesserafim #yunjin #huh yunjin #jennifer huh #lesserafim fluff #lesserafim x reader #lesserafim scenarios #girl group scenarios #girl groups #kpop girls #kpop girl groups #kpop reactions #kpop scenarios #girl group reactions #kpop #girl group fluff #girl group headcanons #lsfm #le sserafim

[autisticlancemcclain]

For the last six months, Lance has been acting strange. It sounds like a long time, and maybe something Hunk should have brought up earlier, but he wasn’t sure enough to bring it up for a while — he’s sure now, though. Lance used to send Hunk fifty memes a night for Hunk to scroll through in the mornings, now it’s a rare day he gets even one. He used to get regular calls and facetimes from Lance about every little inconvenience Lance experienced, but now he’s lucky to hear Lance’s voice once a week. And he’s almost never available to hang out anymore.

“What I’m hearing is that you are getting a break, and what I’m not understanding is why you’re complaining about it,” Pidge says.

Hunk glances away from the dirt road he’s squinting at (country driving is hard, especially as the sun starts to set, why couldn’t Lance stay in the city like the rest of them), to roll his eyes at her.

“Oh, don’t give me that. You miss him too. It’s like he’s been replaced by a pod person!”

Hunk doesn’t know if it’s the conspiracy theory tease or if it’s because Pidge misses Lance more than he thought, but she deflates rather quickly.

“Yeah, yeah, okay. It’s a little strange that we haven’t heard much from him. But,” she bites her lip, looking away from her phone for once, “are we sure he’s not just grieving? I mean, he’s become a bit of a hermit ever since his Abuela left him her cabin in the woods. His tree-hugging ass never wants to leave. And I imagine he misses her, too. Is he maybe just trying to grieve in peace?”

“That’s a valid point,” Hunk concedes, “but I don’t think that’s it. Abuela died a year ago. He still misses her, shit, but if anything he’s even more clingy when he’s upset. And he just started pulling away a few months ago, so I don’t think it’s the death. It’s weird. He’s never been like this.”

“I mean, Lance is just kind of a weirdo,” Pidge says, because she and Lance have this weird relationship where they refuse to admit they love each other even though Hunk has seen both of them mope for days after a fight or argument. (But whatever works for them Hunk supposes.) “You’re right though, I guess. He hasn’t sent me a picture of an angry possum with the caption ‘this is u’ in a while, which is kind of concerning.”

“…Is that a regular occurrence?”

Hunk breaks concentration from the road again, looking at her strangely. She barely notices, attention back on her phone as she waves her hand dismissively.

“Oh, yeah. He sends a mocking picture whenever he sees a particularly gremlin-esque animal, I seen him one whenever I see a rat.”

“Pidge, you live in Queens. You see a rat twelve times a day.”

Pidge sniggers. “Yeah, and it’s funny every time. He gets all pissy.”

Hunk just sighs, shaking his head fondly. He will never understand their relationship.

———

Hunk has visited Lance at his new home a handful of times since he inherited it. He always, always has the porch light on (he says it’s in case someone were to get lost in the woods at night, they’d be able to see the light and come to him. Hunk has tried to explain to him dozens of times that that is an excellent way to get serial murdered, but damn Lance’s bleeding heart because Hunk’s worry does nothing).

There’s no porch light on now.

“Maybe he finally just started listening to you?” Pidge suggests.

Hunk levels her with a flat stare. “We have been friends for over fifteen years, Pidge. When, even once in that time, has Lance listened to a damn word I said about safety?”

Pidge shrugs. “Who knows! Maybe his newfound hermit lifestyle has made him wise.”

“Right,” Hunk says, snorting. He takes another moment to stare suspiciously at the dark house, and then sighs in defeat.

“I guess we should go in, huh?”

“I did not drive six hours through rural New York to turn the fuck around, Hunk. We are staying with Lance for the weekend if we have to break in through the goddamn window, and I mean that.”

Hunk doesn’t doubt it — Pidge hates long car rides, and only agreed to come up here in the first place because she misses Lance way more than she’ll ever admit, now that he’s not a two minute walk away.

“Desperate to spend some time with him?” Hunk teases, walking up to the door.

“Piss off,” Pidge snaps, but there’s not nearly enough heat in her voice for Hunk to take her seriously. (Hunk has heard her when she’s truly mad, threatening random cat-callers in the street. It is a terrifying thing to witness, which makes Hunk glad he’s on her side.)

She reaches forward to knock on the door — another proof that she very much does miss Lance, being the first to knock, which makes Hunk smirk — and then steps back next to Hunk to wait.

They stand there for two whole minutes.

“Is he maybe asleep?” Hunk asks, but dismisses it just as quickly as Pidge does.

“That loser never sleeps before, like, 3 in the morning.”

“Maybe the ambiance of the woods has made it easier for him to sleep,” Hunk says, just to be contrary.

Pidge snorts, knocking one more time and then moving shit around on the porch.

“The hell are you doing?” Hunk asks as she lifts the dorky little wicker chair Hunk knows Lance made himself in his basket weaving phase.

Mostly ignoring him, she flips the chair completely over and starts inspecting the legs.

“If I can just… ha!”

She sets the chair down, and triumphantly holds up a key.

“Lance is the most predictable bitch in these lands,” she brags, which Hunk thinks is rich coming from the girl who has lost every board game against Lance she has every played.

He tells her as much. She scowls.

“He cheats,” she insists, which is probably true, but she also cheats and still loses, so.

Hunk decides to drop it, because he likes his kneecaps exactly how they are, thanks, and Pidge has a violence problem.

“Hello? Dork ass?” Pidge calls as they walk in, which is as much of a greeting as any.

The entrance hallway is dark, as is most of the visible rooms. The only light comes from some faintly twinkling fairy lights Lance has strung up around various walls.

“Whose boots are those?” Pidge asks, staring at something right next to the front door.

Hunk peeks over her shoulder, squinting to try and make them out. It’s hard to see well in the low light, but there’s a pair of big, clunky combat boots next to Lance’s dorky retro sneakers.

“Maybe he’s got a friend over?”

“His car is the only one in the driveway,” Pidge points out, which is true.

Hunk shrugs. “Maybe he picked them up.”

Pidge huffs, still suspicious, and starts poking around the living room and kitchen instead of looking for Lance.

Well. Hunk is doing that too, so he can’t really judge. (It’s been so long since he’s had real Lance drama, okay? Sue him if he’s curious.)

“There is healthy food in the fridge,” Pidge says, in the same tone of voice someone might say ‘there’s a nuclear bomb in my toothbrush.’

Hunk blinks. He rubs his ears, he must have misheard her.

“Oh my God, there’s meat!”

Now he’s definitely misheard her, because Lance has been vegetarian since he was four and found out the pollo the feathered little animal was the same pollo in his happy meal.

Hunk scrambles over to where Pidge is starting incredulously at the open fridge, and his own jaw drops when he sees it: a gigantic steak, chilling on the second shelf, waiting to be cooked.

“Maybe he really has been replaced by a pod person,” Pidge breathes.

She’s started to sound nervous, for all her joking.

“Let’s go find him,” Hunk says, and he can’t hide the urgency in his voice. They both rush down the hallway, wordlessly agreeing to be as silent as possible. They pause before Lance’s bedroom door, exchanging a determined look. Pidge nods, and Hunk carefully turns the doorknob, soundlessly pushing the door open.

It’s dark. The only light comes from the moonlight pouring through the open window, and the small shark-shaped nightlight on the desk. Despite the brightness of the moon, the only thing really visible are shadows and figures.

The lump on the bed, wrapped in the covers, is far too big to be Lance.

Hunk hears Pidge’s sharp intake of breath, and is strangely reminded of the tale of Little Red Riding Hood. They’re both silent for a moment, tense as live wires, and then the large lump in the bed lets out what Hunk can only describe as a muted growl.

Pidge whimpers. The smallest of sounds. Barely a peep. But before Hunk has the chance to throw his hand over her mouth, the lump in the bed shoots straight up, and then both of them are screaming as glowing yellow eyes narrow and shining, razor-sharp teeth are bared in a snarl.

Hunk squeezes his eyes shut as the monster in Lance’s bed flicks his hand and a blade shines in the moonlight, extended at both of them as the monster is out of the bed in an instant.

“I am too young to die,” Hunk sobs over Pidge’s incessant screaming. He wonders if the monster ate Lance quickly, or if his own death is about to be slow.

It all makes sense now.

“Hunk? Pidge?”

Well, that doesn’t make sense.

Hunk opens his eyes just as the lights flip on, and sees Lance — he’s alive! — scramble out of bed and in front of the monster.

Right fucking in front of the monster. Zero space between them.

God, where is Lance’s brain?!

“Keith! Chill out. Put the luxite blade away. It’s fine, okay? They’re not a threat. No threat here. That’s it, babe. Take a deep breath. Put the fangs away, there you go.”

Hunk stares in shocked silence.

He thinks his jaw might be brushing the wooden floorboards.

“Pidge, stop screaming,” Lance says irritably, turning around to face the two of them. “You’re freaking everybody out.”

Pidge, predictably, does not stop screaming.

“No! I was just threatened by a real-life monster! A monster, Lance, what the fuck!”

“He has a name and it’s Keith,” Lance snaps. “And no shit you were threatened, you broke into our house.”

“And you’re fucking naked! Both of you!” Pidge continues — somehow more shrill — as if Lance had not spoken.

That wipes the fury right off Lance’s face.

“Out!” he yells, frantically yanking a blanket off the bed and throwing it over him and — and the monster that he knows on a first-name basis, apparently. “Get out! Right now!”

“I’m not leaving you with that!” Hunk argues, finally finding his voice.

He means it. Lance is bad at looking out for himself, and that thing is very obviously bloodthirsty.

“Get out of my room right fucking now, or the most bloodthirsty thing in the room is about to be me!”

Hunk’s not sure if it’s because Lance sounds deadly serious or because the terror of the whole situation is starting to fade into something like shock, but without another word, he turns away and walks out of the room. Pidge follows, closing the door behind her. The walk over to the living room, sitting gingerly on the couch.

Moments later, Lance stumbles out of the room in a robe, the monster following closely behind him.

“Stop looking at him like that,” Lance snaps, which Hunk thinks is unfair.

“Explain immediately,” Hunk says instead of voicing that particular thought.

“I’ll make some tea,” the monster says quietly, pressing a kiss to Lance’s cheek.

Hunk startles.

Well.

The monster can speak English, apparently.

Lance sighs, looking gratefully at the monster and squeezing its hand.

“Thanks, babe.”

And apparently Lance is — sleeping with the monster?

“That is the least surprising thing about this whole thing,” Pidge mutters, which is an astute observation based on Lance’s track record.

(Venom is not a good enough movie to watch 47 times. No one does that without Gay Reasons.)

Lance sits heavily on the loveseat, staring at them warily. “Why are you here?”

“Hi, Lance,” Hunk says sarcastically. “We’ve hardly talked to you in half a year, and it’s basically been radio silence from your end. Yes, I’m doing well, thanks for asking. I did miss you, too.”

Lance glares at him for a moment, but then he slumps forward.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been…busy.”

Pidge, who has recovered remarkably quickly, snickers. She looks pointedly at Lance’s collarbones, which are littered with bruises and bites. He flushes immediately, pulling his robe tighter around himself and hugging a pillow to his chest for good measure.

“I can see that,” Pidge teases. “And from what I saw from Mister Tall Purple and Furry, which is unfortunately burned into my brain for all eternity, I imagine sitting in a car for six hours to come see us would be…difficult.”

Despite himself, Hunk laughs. It helps that Lance looks more flustered and annoyed than angry, now.

“Fuck off,” he says, shoving his face into the pillow. “God, you people are horrible.”

Suddenly a new voice filters through the room, a gruff chuckle making Pidge and Hunk sit up straight, looking at each other nervously. Hunk almost forgot his terror.

“Why are you laughing, you douchebag?” Lance says, begrudgingly accepting the offered mug. The monster says nothing, only smiling fondly — well, Hunk is having trouble looking at the fangs peeking out of that smile and thinking fond, but it certainly doesn’t look malicious — and sets two more cups on the coffee table, and then takes his seat next to Lance.

Like, right next to Lance. Any closer and he’ll be sitting on Lance, and he’s thrown his arm over the back of the loveseat for good measure.

“I’m Keith,” the monster says when Lance fails to explain himself. “I’m not from here.”

That is a gross oversimplification.

“Try again,” Hunk says flatly, and he wasn’t trying to be funny, but the monster — Keith — laughs anyway.

“I’m sorry for threatening you,” he offers. “I was shot out of the sky by the government a while back, so I’m a little paranoid.”

Pidge looks intrigued. “Tell me every single detail about that story and you’re forgiven.”

Hunk scoffs. “Speak for yourself.” But he reaches forward and grabs the mug Keith placed in front of him as a show of trust, anyway, because Lance has lifted his face from the pillow of shame to glare at him and Hunk always feels like shit when Lance is mad at him.

Keith looks hesitantly at Lance. “Is it…?”

“They’re safe,” Lance says with a sigh. He reaches for one of Keith’s hands and starts fiddling with it — a nervous stim.

Now Hunk really starts to feel guilty.

“Okay,” Keith says, only a little reluctantly. It certainly says something that he’s so willing to trust them just because Lance said he could, even though twenty minutes ago he looked ready to stick a sword in their heads. “Uh, I was born on a planet called Daibazaal, about three hundred million light years from here. Earth is well known among the Intergalactic Union as a danger planet populated by gigantic, monstrous lizards.” He grins wryly. “Obviously, that information is pretty outdated.”

“Why’d you come here, then?” Pidge asks, eyes bright in excitement. If she leans forward anymore she’ll fall right off the couch. Nerd.

“My father is human,” Keith says nonchalantly, as if that’s not the most insane thing to have ever been spoken in this timeline. “He was a Texan physicist. He was messing around with things he shouldn’t have been messing in and accidentally wormholed himself across the galaxy, and decided he liked it there, so he stayed. He never told anyone about Earth because he figured if anyone tried to come here it would be mayhem —”

Hunk inclines his head, thinking of his own (possibly) over-the-top reaction. “Fair.”

“—but I grew up hearing stories about it here, so I wanted to come see for myself. It took me a few years because y’all don’t have transporters anywhere near, but I got here eventually.”

Hunk glances at his best friend, who has yet to stop playing with Keith’s fingers and won’t look at them. “I promise I am not being a dick,” he starts, which in hindsight could have been phrased better based on Lance’s scowl, “but why are you here? Like, Lance’s house specifically? And why hasn’t he told us about you?”

Luckily Lance laughs, looking a little more at ease. “He’s here because his father only told him about the Earth he knew decades ago. He was shot out of the sky the second he appeared on government scanners. He crash landed in one of the forests around here, and eventually made it to my door one night because he saw my porch light on and figured hostile shelter was better than no shelter. Luckily, I am not hostile shelter.”

The irony is not lost on Hunk.

“And did you jump his bones the second you saw the claws, or did you wait a week?” Pidge asks, grinning evilly.

Lance goes red again.

“He was injured!” Lance says hotly. “My first thought was to help him!”

“So it’s a Florence Nightingale situation,” Hunk says, smiling just as sharply.

Lance sees the tease for the apology it is.

“You’re a jerk,” he says, pouting. “Nobody in this household loves me.”

“I do,” Keith says, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to say.

Lance softens like a goddamn block of spilled ice cream on pavement during a summer heatwave. Holy shit. It’s so saccharine it’s honestly a little gross (not really).

“As much as I have decided to be happy for you, Lance, if you two start making out I am going to throw things at you.”

Lance rolls his eyes, but settles for a quick, chaste kiss.

“Alright, you prude. I assume you two broke into my house with the intention to stay for the weekend?”

“Yep!” Pidge says, completely ignoring the dig. “And you are no sooner making me drive the six fucking hours back to the city than fly to the moon, so point me in the direction of the nearest bed. I’ll make fun of you more in the morning.”

“You mean the late afternoon, you lazy dog,” Lance teases, but gets up anyway. He presses another kiss to Keith’s lips as he gets up. “I’ll meet you in a few, okay?”

“Alright,” Keith says, and then he says something else in a language Hunk doesn’t understand that makes Lance all moon-eyed before heading back to Lance’s — to their bedroom.

“I’ll get you guys some fresh sheets and whatever,” Lance says, waving them over. “And then none of you are to bother me until I leave. If you walk in on us again and get scarred for life that will not be my problem.”

Pidge and Hunk look at each other before looking away in disgust.

“Understood,” they say immediately.

Lance grins.

———

part two

#I HAVE MORE PLANNED FOR THIS UNIVERSE #vld #voltron #hunk #hunk garrett #pidge #pidge holt #lance #lance mcclain #klance #established klance #secret relationship #keith #keith kogane #hunk & lance #hunk & pidge #pidge & lance #garrison trio #hunk & lance & pidge #fluff and humour #galra keith #alien keith #modern au #my writing #fic #longpost

[cafeacademia]

𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐒𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞!𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭 𝐌𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐨𝐜𝐤 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 | 𝐒𝐌𝐔𝐓 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐃𝐍𝐈

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: While studying together in your dorm, Matt accidentally stumbles across your interest in BDSM and it leads to a late night light BDSM session

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭: Light BDSM, pussy slapping (gentle), Reader is tied up with a scarf, Reader is blindfolded with his shirt, bit of sense deprivation play, clit play, little bit of choking, lots of fucking, talk of trying out using a vibrator on reader while restrained (in the future, doesn't occur in the fic), Matt has a slight switch moment towards the end, I think that's it, please let me know if I've missed anything.

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: Approx 1.1k

𝐌𝐲 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 | 𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞: Hello! Here's a little college!Matt smut request. This was super fun to write and I'm definitely hoping to write more kink/some heavier BDSM with Matt in the future. Let me know if that's something you want/if you have anything in particular you want to see! I hope you enjoy! Also, side note but it was difficult to fit much of an autumnal theme into this one, sorry!!

You and Matt try BDSM for the first time College!AU

“Sweetheart, can I use your laptop? I need to check something before I put it into my paper and I left mine in my dorm.” Matt asked. “Yeah of course, Matty.” You agreed all too quickly, forgetting far too easily what you had left open on your browser. You had invited Matt over to your dormitory to study together, especially because it was much easier for him to concentrate in your room since it was much quieter than his dorm. Plus, it was kind of a good excuse for Matt to enjoy your company and hear your pretty voice.

You and Matt had been dating for a few months. Sex was good, actually, it was more than good, it was probably the best sex you’d ever had. Matt was the type of partner that liked to please you as much as he could and some light experimentation in the bedroom was slowly making its way into your relationship. But you hadn’t quite gone that far with your sexplorations.

“Oh.” Matt let out a soft gasp of surprise when his earphones that he’d plugged into your laptop were suddenly filled with the moans of the pretty girl on your screen. “Sweetheart,” He smirked, facing you. “You naughty little thing, what have you been watching?” He asked. Oh if he could see the way his question affected you. But you knew Matt could tell full well that you were not only embarrassed but also a little bit turned on. “Come on, baby.” He spoke softly, moving over towards you and sitting down on the edge of the bed next to you. “You can tell me.” You took in a shaky breath, more out of anticipation and the embarrassment of being caught than anything else.

Matt paused, he heard the sound of rope on the video as the girl shifted against her restraints and the buzz of a vibrator filled his ears. He knew exactly what you’d been up to. “Oh sweetheart, here I thought you were so innocent, but you’ve been watching BDSM, haven’t you?” He teased. “I was- I was curious.” You defended, but your voice came out smaller than you had hoped. “You know you don’t have to be nervous around me, sweetheart. You know, I’ve been thinking about trying it with you for a while but I didn’t want to push you if you weren’t ready to try new stuff yet.”

And that was all he needed to say to get you into the position you were in now, hands bound with his soft scarf, completely bare for him to explore at his leisure and you were dripping with anticipation. He took his time, leaving kisses and gentle bites across your skin, circling your nipples into peaks with his tongue, fingers roaming your thighs before he moved down to leave wet, hot kisses trails along the insides of your thighs. It felt so good, even when he gently covered your eyes with his t-shirt, his touch even more exciting without being able to see what to expect.

His touch trailed over you, skin igniting in a hot chill, fingertips brushing gently over your chest, keeping you on edge before he dipped his fingers between your legs. You let out a gasp as he ran his fingers up and down your slit before he focused on your clit, circling with his fingers and garnering a little gasp of pleasure from you when he gently slapped your soaked pussy. He was careful, unsure how far to go, but did enough to explore and satiate both of you.

“Mm, baby I wanna do what I heard. I want to make you cum on a vibrator again and again.” He grunted as he slipped his length between your folds, pressing himself against your entrance until he entered. His speed was not the same gentle one you had experienced on your usual nights together, it was heavy and excited and unstoppable and you moaned out, half muffled by his hand that came up to hush your pretty sounds.

“I love the way you sound, beautiful, but it’s two in the morning.” He chuckled softly, a contrast to the way he fucked you into the mattress, each breath he took in more ragged than the last. His hand moved down from your lips onto your throat, soft, gentle as he squeezed careful not to hurt you. “Is this okay, baby?” He whispered. “Yes, fuck, please Matty, please don’t stop.” You whined out louder than you had expected. “God, you’re such a good girl for me, aren’t you? Taking me so well.” He grunted, fucking hard into you, the slap of skin against skin filling the room, the sound of your slick as he pressed into you, thumb moving down to circle on your pretty clit.

He thrust deep into you and with each stroke you felt yourself getting closer, your restraints keeping you in a perfect position to take the deep pleasure that hummed through you, pulsing deep in your chest, your stomach tightening as you felt your orgasm rising.

“Matty,” His name came out breathy and hot against his skin. “Let go, sweetheart, let go for me, that’s it.” He kept his pace, working you deeper, thrusts so sloppy and heavy and addictive that you didn’t want it to stop.

And then it rolled over you, a moan that you couldn’t help but let out, his name tumbling from your lips, breath ragged and hot as he fucked you through your orgasm, quickly chasing his own. “Fuck, sweetheart you feel so good.” He whined, demeanour slipping as he felt his own release approach. Matt was needy and desperate and god, you loved it. “Let go, Matty.” You whispered to him softly. “Use me, I can take it.” And that was all he needed. With a heavy grunt, he let go, whispering your name against your skin, lips against your shoulder as he fucking himself to completion.

Breathlessly, Matt released you from your bondage. You would have been able to slip out of it if you had wanted to, but the feeling of his hands, the feeling of Matt taking care of you was everything you needed right now. “That was perfect.” He said, catching his breath. “We should do that again.” “We should, maybe next time you can be the one that gets tied up.” You grinned. Matt couldn’t quite hide the excitement that blossomed inside of him and he couldn’t wait to try more BDSM with you. “Another study date tomorrow?” Matt asked as he lay down on the bed next to you. “Mhm, if this is what you call a study date I’m available all hours, Matty.”

@megantje123 @spikedhe4rt @myguiltypleasures21 @emiemiemiii

#matt murdock x reader #matt murdock x you #matt murdock x y/n #matt murdock fanfic #matt murdock smut #matt murdock imagine #matt murdock blurb #daredevil x reader #daredevil x you #daredevil x y/n #daredevil smut

[sisterspooky1013]

Gaslight, Chapter 32/48

Rated X | Read it here on AO3

If he closes his eyes and breathes her in deep, he can almost picture it. The two of them, before all of this, lounging on a lazy Sunday morning. He’d read the comics while she scoured the classifieds, always saving the crossword to do together.

The moment his lips touched hers, he knew that everything she’s been telling him is true. The searching, restless, unsatisfied feeling that has been rattling around in his bones for months dissipated like sugar into water, and he was home. She returns to him in little flashes, in saturated bursts of pure emotion set off by the quirk of her mouth or the smell of her skin. She laughs and his heart swells, or she clucks her tongue at him and a strange kind of embarrassment settles in his belly. The memories themselves must still be buried somewhere in the depth of his mind, and he can only hope to follow the trail of breadcrumbs left by his senses back to a place where he knows why the affectionate roll of her eyes makes him feel like he’s walking on air.

He tries not to think about Diana, but it’s difficult with as many times as her signature appears on the documents in both their files. Each new revelation regarding the myriad ways she deceived him brings up a nauseating mix of rage, grief, and disgust, and he can only come to the conclusion that she never loved him at all.

And what of his parents? Since Scully removed his chip the vast majority of his life is a black hole, and the man he had understood to be his father less than 48 hours ago feels like a perfect stranger. When he realizes that he cannot remember Samantha at all, it seems as though Scully is all he has left.

There’s a part of him that fears he’s being manipulated by her just as he was manipulated by Diana, but one look at her sitting cross-legged beside him on the couch, flipping through pages with her brow furrowed in concentration, and he knows it isn’t true. Even if he doesn’t have any recollection of how they met or the first time they kissed, couldn’t say which side of the bed is hers or how long she takes to get ready in the morning, he knows that they belong to one another. He feels it, as natural as the beating of his own heart.

She looks up and catches him staring, and he smiles in embarrassment.

“Find anything interesting?” he asks, glancing over the document that he’s supposed to be reading instead of gazing at her. They’ve spent the better part of the afternoon carefully reviewing the jumbled mess of paperwork, looking for patterns or clues.

“Does the name ‘Walter Skinner’ ring any bells for you?” she asks, shifting her body so that she’s sitting sideways, facing him. “I see the name mentioned frequently in both of our files and it feels familiar, but I haven’t been able to place it.”

He does feel a spark of recognition, which surprises him.

“I think I have heard that name, but I can’t remember where,” he says thoughtfully.

“It has the initials ‘A.D.’ ahead of his name in some places,” she adds.

“Assistant Director,” he says, and her eyebrows lift in surprise. “At the FBI. He works there. I met him the other day, actually.”

“According to this you met him years ago,” she corrects, tracing her finger down the page. “There’s a memory here from 1991 with his name on it.”

“You must know him as well—but you don’t remember?” he asks, laying his palm over her bare kneecap.

She glances at his hand and then back to the document, shaking her head.

“Maybe if I saw a picture.” She closes the file and tosses it onto the coffee table, then rests her elbow on the back of the couch and props her head up on her fist. She gives him an appraising look, and it sets off what can only be described as adolescent butterflies in his belly. She makes him concurrently nervous and exhilarated, and that’s not to mention the effect she has on him below the belt. “How are you feeling?” she asks, very sweetly, and the urge to kiss her is overwhelming, but at the same time that this feels easy and natural, it also feels new.

“Really good, actually,” he says. “If I close my eyes, I can almost convince myself that my entire life isn’t in shambles.”

She pushes her mouth into a sympathetic smile.

“I can relate,” she agrees. Her smile slowly falls, a pensive expression taking its place. “Were you happy? With Diana, I mean.”

Mulder heaves a sigh, then drops his head against the back of the couch and rubs his hands over his face.

“No,” he says, sitting back up. “Even before I ran into you at the coffee shop I was looking for a way out. I was actually in Baltimore for a job interview that day, which I kept a secret from Diana.”

“Oh?” she asks, eyebrows raised. “Why’s that?”

Mulder considers this for a moment. He thinks about the argument he and Diana had when she found the parking ticket in his car, and realizes that she likely knew his whereabouts regardless of that slip-up. He remembers the way she used his alleged infidelity against him, and he feels a surge of anger. With his chip gone, he can’t even remember what Macy looked like.

“It’s difficult to remember now what I was thinking at the time, but looking back I see that she was trying to keep me under her thumb. I think she believed that she’d set up the perfect life for me and that I’d be content by default, but that wasn’t the case. I knew she’d be mad if I told her about the interview, but I didn’t understand why. Now I do.”

Scully nods, then looks off into the distance for a moment, contemplating. He takes the opportunity to look at her face, which is bare. She has cinnamon freckles dusted all across her cheeks, and a mole above her lip that looks like a little fleck of chocolate. Without thinking, he leans forward and presses his lips to it, and Scully startles but doesn’t pull away. He feels her mouth stretch into a smile and he kisses one of her cheeks, and then the other, and then the tip of her nose. Her eyes are closed so he continues, kissing each of her eyelids and then her forehead, and finally her mouth.

“Is this okay?” he murmurs against her lips, not breaking away.

She hums her approval and he keeps kissing her, somewhat chastely, until she sighs contentedly. He pulls away just enough to meet her eyes, noting for the first time the hazel ring around her pupils.

“Seemed like the thing to do,” he says, slightly sheepish, and she touches his cheek, a wistful expression on her face.

“I don’t want to rush you, Mulder,” she says softly. “And I imagine that your feelings about Diana are complicated. But I—” She pauses and swallows. “I’ve missed you so much. More than you could possibly understand. You don’t need to worry about coming on too strong. If anything, I should be worried about overwhelming you.”

“I’m not overwhelmed by you,” he insists, scooting closer. “And you’re right that my feelings about Diana are complicated, but not in the way you think. Whatever she and I had, and whatever she tried to make me believe we still have, I’ve never felt…this, with her.” He holds the back of her hand against his cheek and closes his eyes. “She took this from me,” he says, his voice tight.

“She took it from us,” Scully whispers back, and he opens his eyes.

“But you found me,” he says proudly, and she gives him a watery smile.

He carries her to the bedroom before they make love for the second time, transporting himself back to the life he lost by way of her thighs wrapped tightly around his hips and her breath hot on his ear. Afterward they shower, eat, and read. They talk and talk and talk and talk. She stretches out on the couch with her feet in his lap as they float between past and future, pausing now and then to bask in the delicious present.

“What are we gonna do, Mulder?” she says, her eyes roving over the haphazard stacks of paper that litter every available surface and a good portion of the floor. “I feel at a loss.”

Mulder heaves a blustering breath and slowly shakes his head.

“I don’t know,” he admits. “Maybe I would have known before, but now…”

Scully nods absently, her mind clearly wandering.

“You would have wanted justice,” she says. “You wouldn’t have wanted them to get away with this.”

“And what about you?” he asks. “What would you have wanted?”

She considers him for a moment.

“I think…I think I just want to get as far away from all of this as possible,” she says, slipping into present tense. “But if it’s important to you that we take action against those who did this to us, I won’t let you do it alone.”

He finds her expression difficult to read, but he intuits that she doesn’t want to disappoint him. Truthfully, there is a big part of him that wants Diana, his parents, and whomever else had a hand in this to be held accountable. But there’s an even bigger part of him that wants to stash Scully away in some unreachable corner of the world and never let her out of his sight again.

“It’s not important enough to risk losing you again,” he says resolutely, and he sees her entire body relax.

They call the Gunmen to deliver the news and ask them to start making plans. They’ll need new names, safe transport to wherever it is that they’ll call home, and enough money to put their roots down. At Scully’s insistence, Mulder asks about the possibility of bringing Frenchie along, and Frohike promises to try. By the time they hang up they’re giddy with excitement and hope.

“Did we live together before?” Mulder asks. They’re side by side at the kitchen counter, slicing vegetables for the salad Scully is preparing for their dinner.

Scully pauses and her eyes drift up to the ceiling for a moment.

“I don’t think so,” she says after some consideration. “I’m not sure if it was that…serious.”

“Hm,” he says, and she turns and lifts her eyebrows at him. “Feels pretty serious,” he adds, and she smiles shyly. Slowly, her eyes lose focus and her smile fades. “Hey,” he says, bumping her with his shoulder, “where’d you go?”

“I was just thinking about Cal and the kids,” she says, turning back to the salad. She swallows and takes a deep breath before she speaks again. “I hate the idea that they’ll think I abandoned them.”

He wants to ask her what it was like with Cal. He wonders whether they were intimate. But it’s really none of his business, and he’d be a hypocrite to be jealous. It makes him sick to think back on the sex he had with Diana, and the way she used him like a toy. If Cal was good to her, that’s all that matters. He tries not to think about the rest.

“Maybe we can send for them later when we’re settled,” he suggests, and she looks over at him hopefully.

“Really?” she asks, a cautious smile tugging at one corner of her mouth. “Wouldn’t that be…weird?”

Mulder looks around the apartment at the chaotic mess of paperwork and then levels her with a deadpan expression.

“I’d say we’ve about maxed out on weird, G-woman.”

Scully gets a far away look on her face. “G-woman,” she whispers, and then a slow grin stretches across her mouth that he can’t help but return.

He doesn’t know why he said it, but it felt good, and the look on her face tells him that it made her feel good too. He abandons the tomato he was slicing, presses her up against the counter, and kisses her thoroughly. They’ll get to know one another all over again, combining their existing memories to fill out the past while the future unfolds in real time. Maybe that future will include Cal and the children that Scully has grown attached to, and maybe not. As long as she is there, it’s a future he wants to be a part of.

It’s well after midnight when they crawl into bed, exhausted but wired. Scully moves to nestle against his side but he turns to face her, wedging his leg between her thighs and slipping one hand down the back of her shorts to touch her bare ass. She laughs softly and kisses his sternum.

“You’re a bit insatiable,” she teases, “not that I’m complaining.”

He feels himself blushing, but resists the urge to pull away.

“I just love touching you,” he says shyly. “The feeling…it’s the closest thing to remembering, I think. At least for now. If it’s too much, just tell me.”

“It’s not too much, Mulder,” she murmurs sleepily. “I like it.”

They are quiet for a time, and he feels her fingers bump up against his neck before she begins running them through his hair, gently scratching at his scalp. It’s pure heaven, and he groans in satisfaction.

“That feel good?” she asks, and he hums a yes.

Suddenly she’s sitting up, and he lifts his head, alarmed.

“Lie back,” she says, pushing on his shoulder. He rolls to his back and she hovers over him, half her weight resting on his belly and chest.

She resumes playing with his hair, and then he feels the wet heat of her mouth on his neck. She drops kisses down to his shoulder, then back up to his ear. Every place she touches him feels like a supernova of pleasure, and he is immediately hard as a rock. She scrapes her teeth over his earlobe and then whispers, “How does that feel?” sending shivers down his spine.

“Good,” he rasps, but she’s already moved on.

She kisses a constellation across his chest, flicking her tongue against his hardened nipples while slowly slipping her hand under the waist of his boxers. She bypasses his erection completely, instead dragging her fingernails lightly across his scrotum. He gasps as he feels the skin pucker under her touch.

“How’s that?” she asks, her voice rough and sultry.

A low groan is all he can manage in response.

She touches him so tenderly, so expertly, running her palm up his shaft and brushing her thumb across the head. She knows him, knows his body, and he feels so safe with her it makes his chest ache. It makes all the terrible parts more bearable, just knowing that she is by his side. And when she climbs on top of him and confidently guides him inside her, nothing else matters. Just this. Just them.

She’s beautifully bathed in moonlight, her hips undulating like cresting waves. He’s confident that he will never forget this.

Tagging @today-in-fic

#the x files #x files fanfic #txf #dana scully #fox mulder #xf fanfic #x files #the x-files #xfiles #thexfiles

[fosteredasis]

"It's hopeless, right?"

Alcina isn't the only one struggling with the way she feels.

“It hopeless…right?”

It was a warm evening in Romania, the leaves were slowly changing their color to match the autumn season. Claudia sat on the terrace outside her room as she soaked in the orange hues of the sunset. She was curled up in a light grey blanket as she nursed a cup of lavender tea. A book she couldn’t decipher rested against her lap, she took a few sipped as she pondered her thoughts.

To think I’ve lived here for almost seven years and I still I don’t know any Romanian! I haven’t been able to pick up anything but a few common phrases.

She held up the book in her lap and flipped back to the page she last visited, ‘Romanian-to-English translations’ the title read. Claudia rescanned the section with the words starting with the letter ‘d’.

“Draga…draga…draga…I still can’t find it! I swear that’s how its spelled, or maybe its dragea? I’m not completely sure but it definitely starts with a ‘d’. Alcina’s been calling me that for as long as I can remember and I still don’t know what it means.”

She furred her eyebrows as she concentrated on each word displayed on the page, groaning out of frustration when the unknown name refused to show itself. Claudia threw her head back and tossed the book to the end of the lounge chair in exasperation.

Ugghh, this is so dumb….

She dug the flesh of palm into her eye, rubbing harshly.

Why I am so infatuated with a woman I know will never want me; at least, not in the way I want her.

Claudia curled herself up tighter, knees meeting her chest as the sun morphed its way back into the ground.

Maybe if I was an aristocrat or came from a wealthy linage of people…maybe then she’d entertain the thought of being with me.

She didn’t mean to turn her peaceful night into such a melancholy affair but it seemed as if her feelings of self-doubt couldn’t help but make their appearance.

What am I doing here? I came to Europe to start a new adventure. To break free of everything that was weighing me down, to have a fresh start. To find myself. And so far all I have to show for these years is housework. I’ve worked in Castle Dimitrescu for six years and nine months…and for what? What am I doing? Waiting around desperately for the woman I work for to spare me an ounce of attention? Why would she sacrifice the reputation for her status …for me?

Claudia wiped a few stray tears from her face.

I’m nobody.

There was a knock at the door to her bedroom, she didn’t budge from her spot on the balcony. The door leading out to where she sat was slightly adjar but she couldn’t make out who was at the door. She figured she was too far away to guess the knock pattern. She took a deep breath and hoped whoever was on the other side of the door would mistake the silence for an empty room.

“Draga, are you in there?”

Claudia tensed at the sound of her voice, trying her best to level her breathing in order to stay undetected. She slouched deeper into her chair and tried to keep her focus on the view ahead of her. The door slowly creaked open and cautious footsteps made their way where the woman sat outside.

“Draga? Are you alright? I knocked on the door but received no answer.”

Claudia quickly wiped any remaining evidence of tears off her face before turning around to look at the woman behind her.

“I’m fine.”

She tried to respond with an unconvincing smile but Alcina wasn’t fooled. She didn’t want to pry and further upset the woman, but it made her heart ache to see Claudia in such a state. She was usually so happy. Showcasing her teeth and rosy cheeks to anyone she passed by. She was the light and guided Alcina through her darkest times. She wanted to be there for her, defeat whatever was troubling her. She wishes she could kiss the tears off her cheeks. Hold her until she was ready to speak of what was on her mind. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be appropriate to do so. Instead she offered her company, taking a seat beside her as she gently caressed her hand.

“I’ll stay as long as you like draga.”

Claudia sniffled as she scooted closer to Alcina, curving her body to fit perfectly against the other woman’s side. She felt Alcina stiffed for a second, her skin feeling much warmer than Claudia’s the closer she got. She didn’t give it another thought as Alcina relaxed into her touch and easily reciprocated to affection. She slowly rubbed the side of Claudia’s leg, a comfortable silence filling the atmosphere as the two stayed wrapped against one another.

Claudia inhaled Alcina’s perfume, the rich scent always calmed her nerves. She took a glance up to admire the woman besides her. She looked as beautifully as always.

If she ever took the chance to get out of her own head maybe she would notice the truth behind Alcina’s appearance. The fresh press of her curls, makeup completely free of imperfections, a wrinkle free nightgown that hugged her curves and gave a slight peek to what lied underneath. The effort into the way she looks should be obvious. The amount of time she placed into herself just for the small chance that Claudia would notice and take a second glance. So her attention would remain on Alcina and not wonder off to other women. Wearing strong perfume in the hopes that her scent would linger onto her so other’s would think Claudia belonged to her. It was subtle things that she never picked up on. Too consumed in self-deprecation to notice the longing they shared for one another.

How can two people be so deeply in-love but fail to realize they harbor the same feelings for the other?

“Please stay.”

Claudia whispered meekly into Alcina’s shoulder. The taller woman held onto her tighter as she responded.

“Always.”

Despite the comfort, Claudia couldn’t help but feel…

Hopeless.

There’s a short drabble to give some insight on Claudia’s feelings. Nothing better than the angst of two people in-love! Sorry it’s short and not very developed, it was written on a short break. I will be writing something good this weekend! Sweetest dreams ya’ll! :-)

#alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu #countess alcina #resident evil village #alcina x oc #alcina x female reader #house dimitrescu

[yumeasmrscript]

[PART 4] Sharing your worries to the Wizard [M4A] [Fantasy] [Neko Listener] [Comforting] [Reassurance for your body] [You finally made the wizard blush too]

Author notes: Part 4 is out! With this, the second narrative arc is starting: fluff increase, their bond gets deeper… And we get to know more about them! As always, it is okay to monetize with the script, and feel free to make small edits to the scripts to make things sound better, or if you want you can change sfx and such!

If you haven’t read the other parts, I’ll leave you the link below <3

Hope you will enjoy!

Summary: It’s been a month since the Wizard found you, you are now living together! In exchange for food and hospitality, you started working for him. In the meantime, the Wizard is still looking for a way to reverse the curse you have. One day, you went out together to buy some things you need at home, but something makes you uncomfortable. Keeping quiet, you wait for the sun to set to open up.

____________

[Action/things happening] *Moods* Thinking

*Concentrated* So… we got fruits, we got a new set of glass bulb for the potions… Some herbs… What was the last thing we needed?

Oh, yeah, you’re right! I finished my ink. I’m glad your memory works better than mine. Now that I think about it, I… need to buy another book. I know it’s been a while… and we still have yet to do some real progress, but I haven’t forgotten about your curse.

*Frustrated* I know you’re in no rush, I know, but still… It’s frustrating not being able to do anything about it. I mean, I’m a wizard, I’m supposed to know how magical things works, and yet… here I am, with no clue on how to help you.

*Gentle, happy* Aw, you will wait no matter how long it will take? Thank you, kitty. It’s heartwarming to hear you say that. I’ll do my best to find a solution as quickly as possible.

[Shivering]

*Caring* It’s… so cold today, huh? The wind keeps blowing… How is it in those clothes? It’s been a while since we went out together, and the weather keeps getting colder, are you alright? Are they warm enough?

I’m glad. I wouldn’t want you to freeze out here. Oh, careful!

[Strong wind blowing]

Here, I got you! That was close, the wind is really strong today. Oh, and your hoodie too… back in place. Are you okay? ...Good. Hm? Hey, what’s that expression?

What do you mean “it’s nothing”? It’s true that it’s not much since we met, but I think I know you well enough to see that it’s not “nothing”. Uhm… are you sure the clothes are warm enough?

Okay, so… what’s bothering you? You know you can tell me anything.

*Confused* You… just want to go home? I mean, if that’s what you want… we don’t often get the chance to come here in the village, so I thought you could have enjoyed today’s errands. Are you tired? Or maybe the things you’re carrying are too heavy for you?

Okay, well… you only want to go back?

*Calm* All right then… okay, let’s do this. Why don’t you go back with the glass bulbs? I need to start the base mix for a few potions, and I could really use some help. You know… water, silver root… the usual. In the meantime, I’ll get the ink and the book, okay?

Great! I’ll see you later then. Hold tightly to the gem as soon as you get home, so I’m sure you got there safely, all right? Perfect. Be careful on your way back, see you later!

[Footsteps]

*Concentrated* Okay, so… let’s get these things. If I have to be honest… doing errands on my own is kind of boring. It feels lonely without them. There should be a bookshop over there, maybe they have the manual I need…

[Time skip]

[Bubble sounds, door opening and closing]

Kitty, I’m home! I’m so sorry it took so long… *Slightly sad* The ink was the easiest thing to retrieve in that bookshop. As for the book… unfortunately, there was nothing that could be of any help. We quickly tried to go through each one of the magic manual, but… nothing. *Hopeful* Still, I won’t lose hope. And neither you should! I’m sure we will find a way to reverse the curse.

Hm? Why are you so quiet?

*Surprised, happy* Oh, you prepared the base? And you also prepared the poison potions? And you made dinner? Aw, thank you kitty, you’ve helped a lot. You did even more than I could have expected! Listen… why don’t you go relax upstairs? I’ll finish writing a few things and I’ll come too, so we can eat together.

They seem a little bit… off. I wonder why… They looked fine until we parted ways at the village. Did something happen? Or maybe I did something wrong? Hm… I wish they would just tell me. It’s clear that something’s bothering them… but what could it be?

[sound of pen writing, paper…]

*Concentrated* Hm… this one for tomorrow, that old lady needs a healing potion, the other guy a chanted amulet… And done. With this I’ll be able to follow the schedule. Now, let’s just end the day.

[Sound of door being locked]

The store is closed for today, everything is ready for tomorrow. I’ll just go upstairs and get some rest. I wonder… if they’ll tell me what’s going on in their mind now.

[Footsteps]

*Gentle* I’m here, kitty. Oh, you’re watching out the window?

*Calm* You’re right, there’s the full moon tonight. That means… it’s been a month already, huh? Since… you started living here. Time sure flies when you have fun.

*Jokingly, happy* I’m serious! Since you started working here, things have been so much easier. I can’t believe I’ve been sleeping every night in the past few weeks, I can’t even remember the last time I had such a regular sleep schedule *Chuckle*. *Calm, gentle* And… I hope you are having a better time here than the one you had before.

Oh, you do? That’s a relief, kitty.

Well, of course! Did you think I would have let you sleep on the floor or something? Or that I would have forever given up my bed? I told you I would have found a way to create a space for you too, so you could have felt… at home. Who cares if my room has half the space it had before, luckily there was enough room for the both of us! And… thanks to this wooden sliding door, now we both have our privacy.

No, I’m not “too kind”, that’s the least I can do for you. You are still helping here every day, that’s only fair. And, by the way, thanks for the help today at the village. I… enjoyed going there with you. *Slightly shy, just a hint of insecurity* Maybe, next time, why don’t we go in that cafè we saw today? Unfortunately we didn’t have the time today, but… it’s a pity to always think about work. So, yeah... what do you think?

Uhm, you don’t have to answer right away, kitty. If you want to think about it, it’s fine, of course, but… is there a problem? With… going out, I mean.

*Confused* It’s not about that? Then, what is it about?

Huh? Well, I thought that there was something bothering you, and I can clearly see it now from your face but… *Jokingly* reading people’s mind it’s not a superpower wizards have. Though there are potions that can help with that.

Aw, don’t give me that look *chukle*, I’m not going to use these vile ways to know what’s in that brain of yours. *Calm* Seriously, though, you know you can tell me anything, and that if you want to keep some things for yourself, I’m not going to force you to open up. Okay?

*Gentle* Good. So… do you want to talk about it?

Oh? Uhm, yes, I can turn around if you want. Why?

*Confused* What… what’s the problem in looking at you?

Okay, okay, fine, I’ll just do that. Here, I’m turning my back to you. So what’s happening now?

[small pause]

*Confused* Kitty?

[Small pause]

*Even more confused* Uhm…

[Small pause, turning around again]

What are you… *Surprised and embarrassed* Woah, Sorry! It’s not like I wanted to peek, I just… I mean, you weren’t saying a word… I swear I didn’t see anything! *Confused*...Wait, did you just… shifted to your cat form and back to human again? Why?

Oh, I see… you wanted to try shifting to a fully human form, and it didn’t work? But… I mean, isn’t that normal? The curse is not lifted yet, and…

*Gentle* Aw, Hey, hey… come here. Don’t make that face. We’re going to find a solution, I told you we would. It’s a promise, kitty. I’m sorry I didn’t make any progress up until now, but… I’m sure we’ll find a way. Is that… what’s bothering you?

[Small pause]

*Comprehensive* Oh, So this is how you truly feel, huh? You’re scared to go outside, you feel vulnerable out there now and… this is the only place you feel safe. Yeah, I bet… the wind didn’t help, it exposed your cat ears for a brief moment. Were you afraid that someone could have seen you?

Well, yes, you are right. It’s not that common for a human to have some animal features. Not even uncommon, actually, just… close to zero. Well, personally, with all of the magical stuff I’ve seen, a human with feline features is still pretty “normal” to me. But it’s true, maybe for standard people would be strange something like this. *Worried of being misunderstood* I- I’m not saying you are strange, let’s be clear on this. Even because we both know you are a human, after all, and it’s not a curse that will make you “strange”.

*Confused, slightly angry* Huh?! What- what are you saying?! Sure, curses sucks and all, but you’re not disgusting! Why would you say that?!

*Frustrated* Yes, I am looking at you and there’s nothing “disgusting” about you! I mean… who cares if you have cat ears? Who cares if you have a tail? Fangs? Claws? Because I sure don’t! You are beautiful, even if you’re not fully human.

*More gentle now* Yes, there are. There are so many things about you that are lovely and make you unique, and don’t you dare say the opposite, because that’s not the truth.

Is… is that so? Why didn’t you tell me before?

If… this can reassure you, there was nothing about that in the manual. Even though you might feel like sometimes you’re losing sight of your humanity, until someone ultimate the curse, you will be both cat and human. You won’t lose your humanity by staying like this, don’t worry. What you feel could be just the animal instincts kicking in from time to time, because… after all, you’re still cursed. Half cursed, to be fair. And… I bet it’s hard to live with these feelings, but… okay, listen, *Determined* I’ll work harder on this. I don’t want you to feel this way anymore. If I can’t find a way to lift the curse for now, I’ll study a potion, a chanted amulet or something that will help you suppress the feline instinct.

No, no, it’s fine, but you should have told me, kitty. I know you didn’t want to be a burden but… time is passing and it must be frustrating. I… don’t want you to feel this way. Until then, though… I just want you to know, that I don’t care if your appearance is not fully human. You are wonderful on the inside and gorgeous on the outside.

*Gentle* I know, you may feel insecure, scared even, but trust me, that even though your body has some animal traits, you are much more human than lots of people out there. You’re not the “monster” here. So, stop saying these things to yourself, kitty. *More annoyed, not at the speaker but at the other wizard* The one who’s a monster, disgusting, hideous and a filthy creature is the one who cursed you, not yourself. And if I ever cross path with him, I’ll make sure to let him know how much of a piece of trash he is.

*Gentle again* Hey, look at me. I’m serious. Your tail is soft, your ears are cute. Just like your fangs. Your sight in the dark has improved, your movements can be much more furtive. You can purr too, isn’t that relaxing for you too? Your senses are much more sharper. I know you would much rather be a human, but until we find a way to lift your curse, focus on this. Focus on the bright side of this shitty situation that bastard put you in: you gained the best from both sides.

*Confused* What, you don’t agree that’s the bright side? And what is it then?

*Surprised, happy and a little bit embarrassed* Wha--- I, uhm, didn’t expect that… No, I’m not blushing! [pause] *Flustered* No, I’m not. [pause] *Even more flustered* No, I’m--- listen, are you trying to get your revenge here for all the times you blushed? But… *Happy, calm* I really didn’t think you would have said that. I didn’t think… meeting me was the bright side. Your words filled my heart with joy, kitty. Thank you.

*Chukle* See? That’s what happens when you try to make other people blush. I saw your red cheeks, don’t try to hide them.

No, I’m immune to this. I only, uh, blushed a little bit because I was taken by surprise there. *Chukle*

[small pause]

*Gentle* Are you feeling… a little bit better now?

I’m glad. *Confused* ...Oh? You accept? Wait, what do you accept?

The invite…? *Surprised happy* Oooh! You mean, going to the cafè? So… you want to come after all? Aw, I’m so happy! *Excited* Then… how about next week? There should be a limited edition for both a new coffee and tea flavor, and I’m really curious to try them. And maybe, on the way back, we can also stop to buy something that’s not work-related, you know? Unless, of course, you want to go home.

Hm *The “hm” as a chuckle tone*, that makes me happy. I mean… *Relieved, calm* I’m glad that you won’t let your worries to hold you back. I… like that about you. It’s fine if sometimes you feel overwhelmed, and you can always talk to me when it happens, but… see? This strength you have, to face what worries you, I think… it’s really admirable.

Aw, you’re welcome kit-

[soft sound of a sudden hug]

...Huh? *Soft, tender chuckle* *Surprised, happy, soft tone* I think… this is the first time you hug me. I didn’t expect that.

Oh, no, it’s fine, of course. Why wouldn’t it be? Here… let me hold you too. You deserve a hug too.

[Hair stroking for a few seconds, in silence]

[Purring sound]

Aww, they’re purring too… I’m glad they feel better and relaxed now. How adorable they are…

[small pause]

*slightly concerned* Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to touch your ears. Yeah, I bet they’re delicate. *Gentle* You… don’t mind? You mean it, or you’re just being kind? *Chukle* But… you hair is really soft, just like your tail. And… Kitty, promise me you’ll never say those horrible things to yourself ever again. Okay?

Good… Now, do you want to have dinner? Because, I can smell something delicious from the kitchen and I’m really curious about what’s in there. *Happy, excited* Aww, you made my favorite? Thank you, kitty!

Well then, let’s go eat something. It’s not the first time you made something, so I’m sure it will be tasty as heaven. And once again, thank you for taking care of it. I’ll make sure to repay you the favor tomorrow, by preparing your favorite one. Come on now, let’s go.

The moment they suddenly hugged me… I think my heart stopped for a moment. If I have to be honest...I wish it had lasted longer. It’s been a while since I last felt this way about someone, and… it’s not because I’ve been alone for a while before meeting them, I’m pretty sure. There’s… something about them. This feeling... I slightly felt it when we first met, and it keeps growing the more I get to know them. And now, I only wish to have the chance to hold them again. Just… for a little while.

#asmr scripts #asmr roleplay #asmr #roleplay #asmr boy #asmr boyfriend #redacted asmr #relaxing #comfort #asmr community #scriptwriting #fantasy

[apolesen]

Hi! I know it’s been while since youve posted anything about Parmak and his family you made for him, or I haven’t seen anything? But I’ve been so curious and I just love your Parmak family! I don’t know if you’ve talked about it before, but how would you think it’d be (if they survive the war) for the family together after the war and even when Kelas and Garak get back together? Love all your fics!

First of all, thank you for this! It was so lovely to receive, and it's an important reason why I've started posting fic again. Secondly, sorry it's taken me so long to answer it. Real life has not been kind to me the past few months, but now things are a little less intense and I have time to answer this properly.

So, to your question. I'm going to said right off the bat that I'm leaving Arva, Kerisa's husband, out of this, as that is a fic that I am hoping to write at some point. So I'll concentrate on Parmak's sisters and nieces.

They definitely survive the Fire. In fact, when I mentioned in Love in a Time of Oppression that they liked in Lakarian City, my beta wrote back 'but they live right??' A couple of years after the courts decide Parmak can live on his own, Kerisa moves the whole family sans brother to Cardassia III. They're now known as the family of a traitor to the state, and it's not fun for anyone. They get through the Fire, on account of being in an outer colony which was less heavily hit by the Jem'Hadar and also thanks to some quick thinking by some of the daughters. In time, they make their way back to Prime.

Kerisa is mildly disapproving of this whole democracy thing that Kelas has gotten involved in. She asks 'but what happens when they reestablish the old order?' 'They won't,' he says, and the hope and relief in his voice touches her. Eventually, she lets the question go. She doesn't really understand it, just like many older Cardassians don't, but seeing her brother so in his element, so respected... she can't help but be happy for him. That, in fact, is what she feels about Garak too. She can't figure out why she feels uneasy about him, but she acquiesces. This new friend of Kelas' makes him happy.

Kerisa's daughters, of course, are well aware of the role Garak played in the uprising against the Dominion. They are all adults at this point. I'm not sure what the three younger daughters do, but Zeetal, the eldest, has become a dentist and is fully on board with her uncle's proposals to reform Cardassian health-care. She's quite pragmatic and doesn't really say it, but she's secretly very proud of her uncle the dissident. She and her sisters are also under no illusions about what his and Garak's relationship is.

Garak, of course, spends a lot of time working to charm Parmak's family. Kerisa is a little stand-offish, but Zina adores him. He talks to her about music and soaps (he's a sucker for them, unsurprisingly). For her hatch-day he gives her a little succulent to take care of. Zina is still very sheltered, but with Cardassian society changing, Parmak prods Kerisa to let her spend more time outside and on her own. After a while, Kerisa allows Garak to take her to the botanical gardens. Still not quite able to let go, she gets a table at the garden's café, fully intent to watch them throughout their visit. Kelas says this man can be trusted, but she doesn't like leaving Zina alone with anyone. So she watches them as they walk along the flower-beds, Zina's hand in the crook of Garak's arm. They keep stopping, and Zina dips out of view. Kerisa tries to make sense of what they are doing. As they continue around the bed of roses, she can see them both in profile. She sees Garak gesticulate with his free hand – she realises he is talking. Then Zina leans forward, towards the rosebush. Taking a rose in her hand, she puts her nose close to it and smells it. Kerisa can't really name what she's feeling. Why does that make her feel so odd? Because she has never thought to take Zina to smell the flowers. But this man did. She finishes her tea and leaves. She knows Garak will get Zina home safely.

#kelas parmak #i just. want. zina. to be happy ToT #unave #again thank you so much for the ask! #hope it was okay that i used it as a bit of a jumping-off point #i need to think more about the nieces honestly #star trek #garak

[daemonmatthias]

despite my best efforts at a schedule and socializing... it’s been one of the hardest summers I’ve had in a while.

some of it is big things, like struggling to stick to any kind of schedule I set for myself due to this being the first year my husband’s work schedule is hybrid (he is home every other week, then I am home alone every other week; if it were just one or the other, I’d be fine), and not being able to go on walks due to the heat.

some of it is nebulous things, like needing to save money but then Sales keep happening on things we kinda need/weird things pop up, and my husband is bored af all day at work and then his mood affects mine because i just am sensitive to other people’s moods, and the fact that we need to formally decide if we are moving out of state soon (husband knows his answer, but I am scared/overwhelmed and will have to quit teaching), and that all this weirdness is making it So Hard to Concentrate on Reading, which is usually my solace in the summer.

but honestly, a lot of it is stupid little things and I don’t understand why so many of them are happening all at once. Just since yesterday morning:

the new avocado I needed to quarter for my usual breakfast smoothies refused to yield the pit, which ended up breaking, and I spent a solid 5 min scraping and slicing to be sure there were no remnants

immediately after I finally got that situated, I grabbed the new carton of almond milk, and it was... somehow sealed wrong?? idk how, but it would NOT open. so I tried opening the side to make a spout (like the little milk cartons from school), but that also would not open cleanly. I ended up needing a knife to slice into it. And then I had to go digging for a pitcher we never use to keep it in since the carton was destroyed.

then my nook crapped out on me. [backstory first: 2 months ago, my nook started randomly resetting itself, which deletes all of your side-loaded content. I ended up having to call customer service. They wanted me to hard reset. It took like 1.5 hours on the phone with them because it SAID it was connected to the wifi but then it wouldn’t do the next step of the set up process because it couldn’t find a wifi connection. Finally the set up process actually went through and they were like “ok all good now!” (right. ok. magically fixed the resetting issue by resetting it. yeah.)] Yesterday, while I was in the middle of reading a library book (considered side-loaded content), it reset itself again, which, of course, deleted the book I was reading.

We agreed last time that if it kept happening, I could get a new nook. Unfortunately, the new model doesn’t come out until september and I’m wary of buying another of the same model in case it has the same problem 2 years in (which is past the warranty period, of course). I did decide to pre-order the new one and pray that hard resetting would again “magically fix” the problem for another 2 months.

This morning, I finally made myself start cleaning the porch. This is terrifying because our porch gathers leaf litter like a mofo and I haven’t cleaned it in ages. There are all sorts of spiders and bugs out there. 

AND of course my gardening gloves have been in an unsealed cart out there. they are shot. i will have to do all this bare handed...

I successfully get the pots of dead plants thrown away. I begin to gather the open bags of dirt to throw them away, having to be extra careful of spiders with my bare hands. A wasp starts flying around me. I try but fail miserably to remain calm and run inside. That chore will not get done today, and today was the last day of below 100F/some cloud cover for who knows how long.

Since I can’t do that chore, I check my amazon cart to see if anything we need got put on prime sale. basically... no. I buy it anyway. or try to; the shipping page keeps crapping out on mobile. I move to my computer and finish the purchase on desktop.

now time to pre-order that nook. except it won’t let me sign in. b&n’s website has so many trackers and shit that it breaks firefox sometimes. (is2g i use nook only because others don’t let you completely turn the backlight off, and as soon as my free year of premium membership is up, I’m going back to using bookshop.org for everything.) I switch to chrome (blech) and sign in.

i press “pay with paypal” and then “complete purchase”. It never pulled up my paypal to let me choose which card to pay with. I have to get into paypal to even figure out which card it payed with. It paid with not the credit card I wanted, not even my default card as selected in paypal, but with our shared checking account. (annoying but no damage done.)

time now to hard reset my nook... oh look, it’s doing the same connected/not connected to the wifi thing. goody...

all this in only the last 30ish hours. and it feels like the whole summer has been like this!

I can’t pretend good things haven’t happened. I visited my family, my bestie visited me and we did a fun craft together, I joined a new public library and love it more than my old one, I hung out with a friend to eat good food and visit a thrift/record store, we FINALLY framed/hung some art and it looks GREAT, I reorganized most of our music so its easier to access, husband made an htpc (home theater computer) so we no longer get youtube ads and he set up plex on it so I can watch the shakespeare plays I have downloaded, I finally made our new 9 delights tracker and it’s almost perfect, I joined my coworker-friend’s book club (bingo card system- good-, but the group read is an author I hate), I crocheted a dog sweater that actually worked (but idk yet if it fits cuz it’s for my parents’ dog), I began the process of switching away from google drive/gmail to something more secure (proton, which I got for almost 50% off).

And there are SO MANY good things coming up: we leave in a couple days to visit the city we might move to, we have tickets to barbie & oppenheimer, we’ll go to a friend’s daughter’s 1st bday party, my besties are coming to visit (museum, escape room, and musical all purchased and lined up!), we’re spending labor day weekend in a luxury cabin in the mountains with friends (owned by one friend’s rich aunt who is not charging/excited to host us), we have tickets to see my fav studio ghibli in theaters in sept., I have tickets to see To Kill a Mockingbird with a coworker-friend, we have ballet tickets for the season...

and yet, I’m struggling daily to complete basic tasks and maintain a positive attitude due to the onslaught of Stupid Little Grievances. :/

#i don't want to tag this a personal because that's one way the bots find you so sorry everyone #i don't have a diary and just needed to get this all said

[fallout-lou-begas]

idk as a trans male i dont think that comic helps much. Idk who that man is anyway not that i want to be the perfect flowy fem boy but you know. i'm five foot tall and will never be able to pass probably even as im on T. And looking like a short pudgy kid isnt gonna help anything. Anyway i think its okay to have fears and to be worried and we need to care more about that?

i don't think you are wrong for wanting to pass. with the caveat that passing is not some permanent fixed state, but rather a circumstantial effect that either applies or not between specific individuals in specific situations, passing as not-trans can blanket a lot of trans people from day-to-day danger and harm. this is valuable.

however, my earnest response to you asking me this in my inbox is that it's sort of a non-sequitur because all i implied in the tag you're responding to is that i don't think it's healthy for people considering testosterone to talk themselves out of it because they're afraid of turning "ugly." and second, it's honestly very sad to me to hear that you may be considering only whether testosterone would make you pass, because i would like to ask if you have considered whether testosterone could make you happy? whether the effects of testosterone would be desirable to you regardless? maybe you have, but i do not know you and i cannot know you, anonymous question asker.

on this point i have no words to say that would be better than the ones from an essay by David Davis about what testosterone did for them, which I can't help but cite quite a large portion of. if this does not help you then i hope it helps anyone else who may read this, as i thought about ignoring this ask but then wondered how many others may feel the same way and could use a sincere response.

From "David Davis XII (2020)": It wasn’t until second puberty really kicked into gear this past January that I started to feel good. The things that I had been afraid of were coming to pass in and on my body and I was shocked, if you can believe it, to find them to be not only not horrifying but pleasurable. Where I was once almost hairless, follicles of white and fawn were sweeping up my thighs and toward my navel, feathering my forearms and knuckles and knees, like a time-lapse video of springtime shrouding a meadow. The ways that I weep and cum have evolved like Pokémon—similar enough to be recognizable, but different enough to merit, perhaps, new names. All my clothes feel new again, except for the shirts that no longer fit me.

Though there were aspects to these changes that were challenging, and even sad, I didn’t feel the pain of pointless suffering, which meant I could experience the sweetness along with the bitterness. For a few weeks in April, for example, my throat started to feel tight yet charged. As your voice deepens, there is a window of time where you can no longer hit the high notes, but the low ones haven’t shown up yet. I pictured my voice box like a brown paper package that had been shrunk down to two sizes too small. My access, such as it was, to Kate Bush, Christina Amphlett, and Donna Summer was gone forever. I miss it. There was even a day where I felt sad enough to cry over it. But I don’t regret that it had to happen, and I am starting to learn that growth is not a zero sum game.

It feels right, what’s happening to me, and long overdue. Over the past ten months, my sympathy for teenage cis boys, whose hair and horniness and hunger descend on the pre-androgenized body like a typewriter on paper—hard and fast, sometimes all at once and sometimes in tiny, concentrated stabs—has grown a thousandfold, for even as distressing as my first puberty was, it did not feel as dramatic as this one, though admittedly that could be because I don’t have to psychically leave my body to tolerate it. I feel a kinship with those boys and their zits and confusion and desires, reminding myself that when I am at a loss for what to do with my irritability, excitement, horniness (did I mention that?), sore throat, urge to move—to drive fast and punch walls, which as a grownup I can do with fewer consequences than teens can—that it’s because I am still getting used to a vitality I hadn’t felt since I was a little girl who wanted to be a little boy.

I have this memory from my freshman year of high school, clear as a bell in a quiet room, of seeing my reflection in the glass wall outside the girls’ lockers. I was in my very short cross-country uniform, so I could see my thighs, which I normally hid from myself and everyone else. They were becoming womanly, like everyone said they would, and I knew that they were not supposed to be like that, and it was unbearable, though of course I bore it. The knowledge that I was going the wrong way, known before I knew that trans people could do things to their bodies to correct them, or that people like that even existed, was one of the only bits of information my soupy, sedated mind could retain, pooled at the base of my brain like black ice, a sad and ominous awareness that someday something would have to be done about all this. At the time, I couldn’t imagine that something as anything other than drifting away in a cozy, well-insulated garage.

With my second puberty, the things I have spent my life fearing—having trained myself, as most queer people do, to hate and fear what I want—were finally happening to me. Even as I gave myself my weekly dose of testosterone cypionate, I was certain that my new form would be bad and hateful, that I would become more and more ugly with unnatural and unwelcome changes on my already unnatural and unwelcome body. It was hard for me to imagine looking uglier than I already did, but I knew it would happen. I had no point of reference for a puberty that wasn’t catastrophic, which should make clear, I hope, just how last-ditch HRT was for me.

Like other transsexuals, perhaps, I had to become one to truly understand how much I hated us. It took me a decade be graced with hormones, but I still believed, even if I was conscious enough of what that belief betrayed not to say it aloud, that I didn’t actually want what it would do to me. I’m going on HRT for the fat redistribution, I told myself. I’m not thrilled about the voice change or gaining (and losing) hair or the clit growth or the many real terrors of living as a transsexual among these cis demons, but what do I have to lose? I’ve already mutilated my body from years of self-harm and SM and surgery and substances and sickness, and anyway, I told myself, I’m already ugly and past 30. Who cares what I look like now? Who cares if this is the wrong choice?

The things I told myself about myself were the kind of things that I would never say to another trans person, especially another person on testosterone, and would recognize as virulently, violently transphobic were they coming from a cis person (which of course they do, all the time). But as HRT has continued to change me, I’ve begun to think like this less and less. T can’t take all the credit, because I’ve done a lot of work, over the past decade, to make my mind ready for this time. Still, where I was before, pleasure was almost impossible. I was hardly capable of it.

For the first time since my first puberty, I do not actively want to die. Limited though it may be by climate change, fascism, and family concerns that constrain how and where I live my life, I have begun to think about my future as mine, with curiosity and sometimes even anticipation. The great pleasure of medical transition has been an integration of pleasure itself into my life.

oh, and that man from the comic is Kim Kitsuragi from the video game Disco Elysium. he's just great. a great guy

#asks #anon

[tsvaling]

Announcement? Update? Screaming at the void? I don’t know what to call this right now, so if anyone is curious about what the hell I’ve been doing all this time read on...

So, I’ve been getting a few asks about my ongoing fics and whether I’m going to continue them because I haven’t posted a new chapter in 2+ years. Well, as everyone knows, Covid fucked everything up, and 2020 was just a horrendously shitty year on the whole to start with. I have been insanely lucky to avoid getting sick (helps I do not socialize outside of work whatsoever, but considering I work in dental and am literally in people’s mouths all day - yeah, really fucking lucky to have avoid illness). But, the external stress and anxiety the ongoing plague has caused in me has really messed with my ability to write or do anything.

But, as I announced at the end of last year, I’m back in school. I took two classes in the spring and got A’s in both, with such amazingly consistent feedback on my writing that it began to inspire me again.... Except right as I was regaining my confidence, more shit started happening in my personal life to blow a hole in my intentions.

I’ll put the details to that under a cut at the end so if people don’t want to read the shit that’s led to endless existential dread and a burdensome mid-life crisis, you can ignore that part. I’ll just get to the point here.

Despite all the shit that’s been weighing on me the last few months... years, really... I do know I absolutely cannot continue to work where I’m at. I need to get out of the medical field for the sake of my mental health, as well as physical health. But, I can’t just quit because I have bills to pay and I don’t have anything lined up to move on to. I genuinely want to work from home, focusing on what I love and would like to do for a living - writing. My whole plan of getting a Master’s in Library Science after completing my B.A. is still kind of there, but all the feedback I got and the excitement I’m feeling for my writing courses has really told me that writing is something I need to be doing, but I can’t make money off fanfic (copyright law’s a lot stricter with writing versus art).

I’m almost afraid to announce this because it’s probably way too early, but I am working on an original high fantasy romance story that I intend to publish. I’m only in the early planning/ outlining/ worldbuilding stage, but it’s something I really want to write. It’s a smaller scale than a high fantasy saga I’ve had rattling around in my head for years, but it came to me and seems more manageable as a first foray into self-publishing that might give me a base to then spring into the larger saga that’s gotten more solid in shape over the years.

My plan for this is to make a Patreon once I have a solid draft of the story written, then post two chapters a week as I go through my early editing process, and then publish it as an ebook once I’m satisfied - likely using whatever funds I manage to get from Patreon to pay for an outside editor to finalize the book.

But, as I said, this is all in the early planning and hopeful yearning stage of my idea to make a career out of writing. I am absolutely terrified that even speaking about it may jinx me just because of how this year has gone, but I am excited to see if I can do it (all while also taking three classes this fall, ahahahaha).

As to what this means for my fanfic - I don’t know. I still really want to finish Amber Curse, but it’s become so difficult for me to concentrate on my fics that I might not be able to go back to it. Or, I might use it as a way to take a break from my own original work, especially since I can get away with sporadic posting and still get really great and inspiring feedback from people. We’ll see. I know I hate the idea of disappointing anyone with an incomplete story, especially one that is so BIG. So, while that’s sort of in limbo right now, I haven’t forgotten about it.

I’ll try to be more active on here, too - give updates about my process when I can.

But, for those curious as to what I’ve been dealing with this year that’s really fucked with my head, the details are under the cut. Fair warning for those who don’t want to be dragged down, there are mentions of illness and sudden death in the family.

Edit: Realized the post is on the long side, so the cut isn’t working on the mobile platform - so everything after this is just depressing shit you don’t have to read if you don’t want to.

At the beginning of the year my aunt died. She was my dad’s little sister and while we hadn’t been in regular contact with that side of the family, it still took a huge hit on my mental health. To add to it, at that same time, my dad discovered he had a lesion in his throat that came back as lymphoma. Fortunately it was caught early enough and is a form of lymphoma that responds incredibly well to chemo, so after three bouts of chemo and a few weeks of radiation, there is no sign of lymphoma in his system. But my dad is the type to panic over everything (I get it from him), and believe he’s going to die when he only has a common cold, so hearing he has cancer literally a few weeks after his sister died... yeah, not great news.

I am an only child, and I live with my parents, so I had to go with my dad to as many appointments as my schedule would allow so that I could help him understand the prognosis, treatment outcomes, and side effects. My mom’s also been having trouble driving, so anything he needed a driver for fell on me. To add to it, I had to basically act as his therapist and constantly reassure him that he is not going to die. My father and I had a very tense relationship when I was younger, and while we are on better terms now, spending any time with him is stressful because I’m innately terrified of him, but to add to it, I have to remain calm and be the voice of reason and reassurance throughout all this. Even when in the middle of a panic attack, I have to do everything in my power to mask it to make sure I don’t add to whatever the fuck my dad is freaking out about. Add to this extreme burnout from a job that requires me to show compassion and empathy to complete strangers on a regular basis that I no longer really have because it’s all used up - yeah, this whole thing has beaten down my already poor mental health.

And then, right as we were nearing the end of my dad’s treatment - literally he had one more radiation treatment the next day - my mom had a stroke. Again, we were insanely fortunate we caught it as early as we did. She had no signs of paralysis or facial drooping, but was extremely confused with verbal aphasia (word salad) worsening by the minute. My dad and I rushed her to the ER, they got a clot-busting medication into her within two hours of symptoms appearing, and she was pretty much back to normal and transferred to an ICU bed by the next morning. But, again, I had to act as medical advisor from the moment my dad noticed my mom’s changed mental state - assessing her symptoms as a nurse would and making the split second decision to go to the ER, and then literally assisted the nurse in the ER who was assigned to watch over her while the medication did its thing. I am not a nurse for a reason, and being my mother’s caretaker reaffirmed that reason, but my dad was relegated to a corner to do his best to hide his compulsion to freak the fuck out while I just took over all the hands-on work to keep my mom calm and give the nurse an extra pair of hands when my mom needed moving.

All of this has just reaffirmed that life is too short and I am too young to be facing my parents’ inevitable mortality. Chances are they will live for at least another 10 years, but they will need me to take care of them more and more over that time. While I am very fortunate that they are both still mobile and independent, these last few months have kept me on edge waiting for the next emergency to crop up.

Writing is therapeutic for me, so being stuck in a cycle of not being able to write but wanting to write has only made all this worse. But, I am forcing myself to break that cycle. Even if all I’m writing are little blurbs of poetry for myself, it is still something to maintain a fraction of my sanity. Hopefully things will calm down now that my parents have gotten over these hurdles and I can have some time to focus on my work, but if I suddenly go MIA again, chances are something major happened with piss poor timing again.

#;personal #ranting word vomit under the cut #hopefully i'm not jinxing myself by announcing this but fingers crossed I maintain my focus

[roaringup]

(topics mentioned in post: ER, psych hosp, medical neglect, cops, death/grief, self-injury)

okay!! the life update is that I was in the ER again with Robin on Saturday from like… 1:30 to 7:30 pm? ish? because he wanted to have an inpatient psych hospital stay because he’s been feeling really bad and needs to be able to adjust meds in a supervised environment without having to also handle the bullshit logistics and general extreme neglect of [Local Big Queer Health System], that is the super brief summary, and going to the ER is the starting point to being referred.

It didn’t work that day because the ER was ridiculously busy and there weren’t beds; also someone there was in acute crisis and smashing up the nearby room they had been locked in. So like, we’re in a bright loud hallway full of beds because there are zero rooms and zero private curtained areas even, hearing sounds of a really distressed person physically trying to batter down the door/escape by throwing heavy objects at it, and healthcare people being weird and shitty about that; so cops came to arrest that person(!) and things were extra chaotic and slow.

Anyway, we left without anything really happening other than staff making some phone calls, and he left the house early Sunday to stay with his parents and try again at a different ER today.

Then Lace came over and I hung out with them for a long time, which was lovely and helpful.

I took my birthday and Friday off so I’m trying to catch up on work today but also all of this + my grandpa’s death and funeral and shiva + just like. extended ramifications of health and social issues that happened over the past few months have really fucked me up and I’m freaked out about being mostly alone for an extended period of time yet also have fairly little capacity to socialize or “check in” with people or figure out what would help etc. I don’t think I can work normally rn so I’m trying to maybe get some leave or a reduced schedule or something? Being alone actually helped me regulate a bit because I didn’t have to be helpful or calm but like also I don’t think I’ll be normal for some time, my arms are all bruised up from biting myself in my own distress earlier, I can barely concentrate on anything, I clearly need to be taken care of and rest myself but I don’t know that I have that many options because I’ve missed all this work already. I don’t even have a therapist rn because I haven’t had capacity or energy to look for a new one after my old psychiatrist-therapist ghosted me, since I want someone who isn’t stupid about my myriad BASIC life circumstances like being trans and queer and ???autistic and nonmonogamous and whatever. I keep wanting to call him but literally everyone I talk to is like “it was unprofessional of him to ghost you, you should not see him again and you should be mad at him about this” so I guess I won’t even though I still don’t feel mad at him.

thank u for reading my distressing ramblings, I may continue with distressing ramblings in the days ahead and probably delete some after. Also if you are looking at this and you know me irl and live nearby but haven’t offered any help recently with our general situation, do not offer now, I’m really not interested in or capable of communicating about this in a nuanced way that will leave you feeling good. I don’t think anyone who falls into that category is reading this, but just in case.

#mine

[lgcjunkyu]

solo lgc boys adventure part 2

lgc boys adventure was a whole new experience for junkyu, he hadn’t taken part of anything like this before and although at the start it was a little nerve wrecking, he wanted to try his best to be out there to the best he could be. whether it was in terms of opening himself up a little more, or getting close with any of the other boys - it was all a few little missions and tasks he had in plan for himself. considering they would all be working together, he wanted to try his best, give it his all and become friends with them all.

though the whole experience was way different to what junkyu had expected. it felt more freeing, more enjoyable and fun than any other activity or schedule he had done in the past. he felt like he could relax more, let loose a little and enjoy himself and he knew that it wasn’t all that common to get chances like this, so he took the advantage when he knew he had it.

but now it was over, and they were sat back down to do another little solo interview on their experience for it, and honestly? junkyu was quite excited. he already felt nostalgic speaking about it.

“i haven’t been part of type zero for all that long.. it’s been about six months now, i think, roughly? i still have a lot to learn and catch up with, and when i first heard about the lgc boys adventure, i was a little nervous actually.” junkyu admitted to the camera, a small, sheepish but reserved half smile evident on his face. “i haven’t really had the chance to meet the others or get close except from the odd few, like jaesun and alex, i knew them both from when i was a trainee, alex actually invited me out when i first joined to make me feel more relaxed, which i really appreciated and now we’re pretty close.” he ended the sentence, the small half smile now a full one as he thought back to the memory from when he first joined legacy as a brand new trainee. “but i actually got pretty close to yushin this time, we were on the same team for the first half and for the second half, we were roommates and were on the same team again for the manjanggul cave, so naturally we got pretty close.” he nodded as he spoke, gaze down slightly as he thought before raising his head to look at the camera again.

taking a deep breath, he thought back to everything they had done, trying to pin his favorite point of it all and honestly, it didn’t take him too long to think of a memory. “honestly, i think my favorite memory and thing we did was the vacation time, because it was really nice and relaxing. we didn’t have any schedules or anything, so we were able to just relax and spend time with each other and get to know each other. it was really nice, and being in jeju too, we were close to the beach so we could take a walk whenever we wanted before we needed to be back at the house. it just felt really therapeutic, especially because we’ve been working hard lately too, and it’s our first time with all of the groups joined together like this, so it’s been a new experience but a fun one. the vacation was my favorite part though, i really enjoyed it and i felt like i got to get closer to the others, which is really nice. i hope we can do some things like this in the, future too.”

junkyu hummed softly, biting his bottom lip in concentration. “hmm.. the person who gave me a memorable impression.. i think it’s yushin, i feel like we both got pretty close through this and i think he’s really calm, like he’s a very calming person to be around, i think. i enjoyed his company a lot.”

#solos. #lgc:lgcbadventures #mentioned: yushin #mentioned: alex #mentioned: jaesun

[tminus266]

Update

So since I last posted and was active, a TON has happened.

What first got me out of my exercise routine (and sort of caused me to gain all the weight I loss back) was fostering my niece and nephews. It’s a whole on story for another day, but with going from no kids to four kids overnight? My schedule and routine has changed drastically. At the time they were age range of 9 months to 9 years (now 2-11). I’m sure any parent out there will attest to just how hard it is to eat healthy (or fast) if you’ve got kiddos. I’m still working on how to make the sort of unhealthy dinners more healthy so I’m not making two whole separate dinners each night. Also, with my schedule being filled up with individual counseling, family counseling, potential bio-parent visitation, case manager visits, licensing worker visits, P.T., doctors appointments and First Steps visits - my schedule is consistently full to the max. Finding any time to work out with normal kids is hard, much less adding in all the extra stuff that comes with fostering and it’s twice as hard.

I also just recently got back to going to the doctors and actually seeking help for my illnesses and issues. I’m seeing the same doctor as my husband which is neat - she’s super sweet and as a bonus, believes that fibromyalgia exists (my last PCP didn’t and blamed it all as vitamin deficiencies). She wants to help me get my weight under control and part of that was running an extensive blood work panel. I’m talking she asked for 10 vials. It took the poor phlebotomist quite a few minutes to get them all filled. I haven’t had any follow up appointments yet (assuming due to the holiday I haven’t gotten any calls back yet - or she’s still analyzing/waiting for more to pop up). Thanks to the patient portal I’m able to see what she ordered and my results. With the help of google, I’m able to kind of figure some stuff out and put pieces together. My iron is at the low end of the range and certain other aspects of iron are slightly below the range (slightly anemic - I kinda knew that one). She also tested for the specific vitamins my last PCP claimed I was deficient in - and naturally they’re perfectly smack dab in the middle of the range. I was kinda mad at this one, that was the super expensive prescriptions that cost like $100 a month to fill just those 3 alone. Then yesterday a new one popped up, insulin. It was the measure of my insulin in my blood. I was almost double the highest in the range. BUT my glucose was fine as well as my gluco-hemoglobin (I think this was it?). So with some research that means possible pancreas issues or insulin resistance (hyperinsulinemia). Which sort of explains some of my issues - weight gain (there were weeks of solely water intake and eating very little and I would still gain 5lbs), cravings for sugar, fatigue, anxiety/panicky feelings, feeling frequently hungry (I’ve been blaming it on just getting myself a snack whenever I get the toddler a snack out of convenience but this would make sense), difficulty concentrating, lacking motivation (blamed that on depression but let’s be honest could be both). Either way, I’m not liking my odds here of this high insulin count. I know exercise will help either way, so it’s back high time to try to find time for exercise in any way I can.

These past few days I’ve done it by running, and playing outside with the kiddos. It wasn’t a whole ton or anything too strenuous but it was more movement than I typically have in a day - so it’s a start.

Here’s to hoping and wishing me some good luck back in finding a new “normal” schedule for myself to better myself.

#personal #healthy #fitblr #fitness #weight loss

[theonlythingimfuckingisstupid]

Books i need to read: all of them

#I want to do all the things #And watch all the shows #and Read all the books #But I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything new in MONTHS #I’ve tried to but just CANT #Like the last new thing I watched was ofmd #em rambles

[slash-recs]

Have some Starker fic recs

I went crazy these past ~2 months and read - *checks notes* - over 500 Tony Stark/Peter Parker fics. Here are some of my faves in ascending length order. Stars denote favourite favourites, if that's a thing. Check tags and warnings on ao3.

Edit: this was originally posted in March 2022 & has not been updated/edited with anything new/extra since then.

Length: under 10k

Irish Coffee by textbookchoices

1k+ Peter and his friends go to a house party.

just let me let you down by noctiphany

1k+ “I just think,” Tony starts, "that we should probably get the elephant out of the room before everyone starts buying tickets to the circus.”

Crash Into My Arms by the_me09

1k+ Tony should have known better than to startle Peter.

✭ What The Duck by Kater1n

1k+ Out of all the scenarios that Tony foresaw after publicly shutting down Stark Industries weapons manufacturing, being compared to a baby duck was not one of them.

Decorative by unsettled

2k+ Peter's heard the rumors. Come on, he's had the internet and a huge crush on Tony Stark, even before he actually got recruited by him. So yeah, he's maybe been a bit of a perv once or twice (or a few more times) and has heard that Tony has a penis piercing.

Bragging Rights by textbookchoices

2k+ Peter barely manages to put on the suit before he's swinging across Manhattan. He's not sure how it happened, but Morgan's school called him, practically desperate because they couldn't get a hold of any of his other emergency contacts--Pepper, Tony, Happy, Rhodey, then Peter. That's how it goes, that's the order, and it shouldn't even be able to get to Peter. Peter is a last resort.

red grof by textbookchoices

2k+ “It’s been a long time,” Peter says, finally, his voice hoarse.

The last long lap is the hardest by Anonymous

2k+ He knows what they’re doing is statutory rape, he knows the law, and he’s not stupid.

✭ Eight Minutes by thugcorpseinc

2k+ Peter Parker is just the average college student. The most interesting thing about him is the fact he had miraculously landed an internship with Stark Industries, even if they assured him he'd never actually meet Tony Stark.

written in scandal by Areiton

2k+ “Someone posted your sex tape, kid.” Peter laughs. “I don’t have a sex tape, Mr. Stark.”

Should old acquaintance be forgot by sublightsleeper

2k+ “I haven’t been able to, at all. Not since.” Peter gestures idly at himself, and Tony takes it to mean ‘since the spider bit me’. “I guess I’m just doomed to never be able to get off again.” When the kid laughs, it’s watery and tense. “Maybe you’re just not doing it right.”

A Constellation Engages by toucanpie

3k+ When the aliens say it's time to get married, sometimes you just have to get married and let the rest sort itself out.

Changing Outcomes by tuesday

3k+ "Don't fuck this up," Dr. Strange says. Peter forgot to concentrate. He's already fucking this up. He's in a casino somewhere. There's Mr. Stark, except he's younger. He's got his hair slicked back. He's throwing dice and surrounded by women. He looks kind of sleazy, actually. Peter feels a pang of such intense longing that he doesn't immediately move on. He stops and stares from across the room. He tells himself five more minutes.

this one's for the torn down; the experts at the fall by thiefless

3k+ "Hey, kid," Tony said, aiming for quiet nonchalance. "Mind telling me why you're standing on the edge of my five-star hotel?"

playful death threats by RedHorse

3k+ Peter dropped his head into his hands and moaned. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I knocked you up.”

The Scenic Route by lovetincture

3k+ Tony knows what's good for him, and it isn't this. Or, Tony isn't doing great after the events of Civil War. He does something about that.

a little bit scandalous by pleurer

3k+ “What do you think about dessert? I’m thinking the creme brulee, but—” “You could eat my ass,” says Peter. "After you've already come inside of it." Tony sets the menu down on the table with jarring force.

✭ come kiss me stupid, come kiss me sore by lovetincture

4k+ More pre-slashy. "I might have accidentally poisoned myself?" Peter says all in one rush and, okay, shit. Later, Tony would swear there was a sound like a record scratch in his head. Thoughts start piling up like a freeway accident, starting and truncating off into nothing, going Poison Control, now, and fuck, is he on drugs?

friendlyneighborhoodspiderman by thedevilchicken

4k+ Tony needs some distraction. When he finds Peter camming online, he's pretty sure that's not the distraction he meant...but he'll take it.

Me, You & A Tattoo by therogueheart

4k+ Peter gets Tony's name tattooed on his ass after a not-bet with MJ. Really, it was just a matter of time before Tony found out.

we're not there (yet) by thiefless

4k+ “I'm married,” Mr. Stark said, just once: harsh and firm and begging to be torn apart, ripped to shreds.

until you come around again by ambiguously

5k+ Peter goes back to say good-bye.

Worth the World by unsettled

5k+ Valentine’s Day is not Peter’s favorite holiday by a long shot. And it’s not just because he’s a little jealous of everyone else showing off gifts from their partners. But it’s still really nice that an unknown someone sent him a gift this year. Or two. Or— okay, this is getting out of hand

10 Ways to Woo Your Boo by bloodgutsandstarbucks

5k+ Keen to be seen as worthy of Tony's heart, Peter enlists the help of his friends and the internet in courting his former mentor.

Commencement by merle_p

5k+ And Peter knows that voice. Recognizes it from the voicemail message on his phone that he listens to far, far more often than he ever wants to admit, recognizes it from recordings of public interviews and ridiculous old aftershave commercials he keeps streaming on YouTube during gloomy sleepless nights, recognizes it from his nightmares, from his daydreams, except – except that’s not possible, because, well.

The Right Season by chelicerata

5k+ Tony likes the beach. He likes it just fine. Of course, normally his beach experience involves drinking cocktails in a deck chair while some half-naked pretty young thing cuddles up to him and asks for a sunscreen reapplication.

boy of your dreams, you know what i mean by intoxicatelou

6k+ When Tony decides to take a night for himself with a glass of scotch and a plethora of gay porn spread out all over his holo screens, he doesn’t expect to find an almost artful picture of his protégé’s cock.

Don't Stand (So Close to Me) by phqyd_roar

6k+ Mr Stark has always been a tactile person. Peter likes that Mr Stark always puts an arm around his shoulder or a hand on his back when they walk together. The contact is nice. Peter doesn’t think too much when he leans into these touches and smiles at his mentor.In fact, Peter thinks nothing at all about it until one day he suddenly realizes that Mr Stark has his hand low on Peter’s waist and they’re so close that Peter is pressed against Mr Stark shoulder to hip, as they both lean over the hologram display in Mr Stark’s lab.

✭ 7:56 by Anonymous (A. Non. Collection)

6k+ “You didn’t literally mess with the fabric of time just so we could have a threesome with yourself for my birthday oh my god that’s exactly what you did. You’re insane.”

the sweetest taste i've known by Miyai

7k+ Honestly, Tony should have seen this whole thing coming a long time ago. Hindsight’s a goddamn bitch.

✭ Another Life by InColor

7k+ Tony comes back to a world where everyone's moved on without him. Peter helps.

losing by degrees by Areiton

7k+ “Where is he?” Tony demands again, shriller this time.

save the date by pleurer

7k+ Peter and Tony’s romantic getaway keeps getting thwarted by bad guys. Neither of them are having it, especially not Tony.

✭ attached by pleurer

7k+ Tony gets it, he really does. As far as rebounds go, sleeping with your childhood hero isn't half bad. And if what Peter wants is this— just sex, with no strings attached— then Tony will give him this.

✭ Landslide by spqr

7k+ Peter jumps into the quantum realm with his heart in his throat. He steps out in 2018, on the edge of a lake he still has nightmares about. A hundred yards away over the water, the lights in the lakehouse are on.

whatever you're thinking about by Anonymous

7k+ “Are you suggesting that we need to plan for some kind of sex pollen bullshit, Romanov? I’m sorry, is this science fiction?”

✭ Geometry by chelicerata

7k+ Tony doesn’t realize anything is wrong, at first.

Fuck Me Yourself, Coward by therogueheart

7k+ "Go fuck yourself." "Fuck me yourself, coward."

Wash Off the Dust by orphan_account (thekeyandquill)

8k+ Peter has no desire to return to Venice after his last time there. It's the place he first met Quentin Beck, the beginning of a shit show he doesn't want to remember. But when Tony proposes an impromptu trip, he finds it hard to say no. Once there, the streets are filled with memories, and Peter finds it more and more difficult to keep the secrets he's been hiding from his mentor.

✭ seen the hunger in my eyes from space by LearnedFoot

9k+ It starts with a kiss out of nowhere. Or: Peter gets everything he ever wanted, but some things are too perfect.

pondus, pondera by spqr

9k+ Peter sells his virginity for $5,000 when he’s fifteen.

Pete's Eats by bloodgutsandstarbucks

9k+ Peter having a YouTube channel where he just drinks wine and teaches people how to cook things if they live in a mediocre apartment. While cooking and drinking he just talks about stuff like memes and school and, most importantly, his undying thirst for Tony Stark.

Length: 10k-30k

Sweet For Me, My Honeybee by garbagesinboy

10k+ Peter's got a sweet tooth, and Tony's got a problem. In which Peter Parker consumes way more sugar than the average human ever should, and Tony Stark suffers many many boners

✭ Still Right Here by LearnedFoot

11k+ “It’s like The Hunger Games,” Peter concludes, plopping to the ground, cross-legged. “But with aliens.” “Kid, do I look like a person who read The Hunger Games?” Or: Tony’s resurrected, but there’s a catch.

Gift of Choice by tuesday

11k+ Tony Stark had a thing about giving Peter stuff.

✭ It Should Be Better by Mireille

12k+ Tony can resist anything except temptation.

Internal by Anonymous (Anon on way to church)

12k+ Whatever the opposite of favoritism is, that’s how Mr Stark treats him.

Seiche by unsettled

13k+ “Hey,” Tony says after a bit, “Peter, we should really talk about this. I mean, I can’t believe I’m saying that because when have I ever wanted to talk about things but eventually you’re going to come out of this and— shit, I have no idea what you’re going to do, kid.”

✭ Obvious by LearnedFoot

13k+ When Peter wakes up, several things become very clear all at once: he’s underground somewhere unpleasant, something is messing with his powers, and his entire body hurts. A lot.

Intertwined by RedLink

13k+ Peter has been secretly in love with Tony for years, it's one of the few constants in his life, actually. He has it under control though, honestly, and it's pretty harmless really. Or that's what Peter thinks, until he coughs up his first petal.

✭ For the Cameras by LearnedFoot (at this point, just go read all their fic)

13k+ The mission is going well until Peter kisses Mr. Stark. Or: In which Peter is very bad at being undercover, but maybe that’s okay in the end.

Take It Slow by tuesday

13k+ There were a ton of reasons dating Peter was a bad idea. Tony loved bad ideas. He was going to do it anyway. In which Tony thinks they're dating, and then they're dating undercover.

Simple Miscalculations by Sapphic_Futurist

13k+ In which Peter makes a simple mathematical error with unexpected but gratuitous results.

You Bury Me by resurrectedhippo

13k+ “You bury me this time.” May you bury me. May I die before you. Because I love you too much to see you go.

✭ When you say CBT... by feyrelay

13k+ Peter and Tony deal with aging, separately and together. Peter's therapist suggests cognitive behavioral therapy, also sometimes abbreviated as CBT. Kink-related misunderstanding ensues.

the world's a little blurry or maybe it's my eyes by Anonymous

13k+ Four and a half years after he died, Tony Stark is resurrected. He's definitely not stupid enough to think that everything will be exactly the same as he remembers it, but if there's one thing he can count on, it's the fact that Peter Parker will be deliriously happy to see him. Right? Wrong, apparently. Very wrong.

✭ Archetype by Anonymous (A. Non. collection)

14k+ Endgame AU where Tony's a little bit more of a mess after he gets back from Titan, and deals with it in (somewhat predictably) terrible ways.

The Truth Is (An Act of Love) by Mireille

15k+ AIM injects Tony with truth serum. Which is utter crap, of course, truth serum only happens in the movies. Except that he's spilling out a lot of things that he intended to keep secret forever, and to the worst possible person.

✭ Both Ways by LearnedFoot

15k+ As far as Peter knows, he escaped Titan with barely a scratch, and Thanos was defeated before they even got home. But for some reason, Mr. Stark is being very weird about the whole thing…

✭ here is my hand, my heart by belatrix

16k+ Mostly, Tony had tried not to look. He still does. Try, that is. It’s just― it’s getting a little bit harder every day.

Pattern Recognition by Anonymous (A. Non. collection)

16k+ They both know Peter’s unplanned, unannounced visit isn’t so much of a social call as it is a SHIELD directive. Gotta keep an eye on Tony. He quit the team and fucked off to nowhere, Alaska. We’re worried about him. Tony snorts, trying to imagine how that conversation went down. If Peter had accepted it with the same solemn gravity he did when he listened to other mission briefings; if Fury had even bothered to pretend this was official, legitimate Avengers business.

No Hard Feelings by orphan_account (thekeyandquill)

16k+ Nearly a decade after Tony Stark saved the universe with a snap of the Infinity Gauntlet, Peter Parker thinks he's made peace with the loss, and put the past behind him. And then Mr. Stark shows up in his kitchen one night, and it becomes clear that isn't true. What is he supposed to do when his old mentor keeps showing up to interrupt his new life?

✭ Closer to a Prayer by LearnedFoot

17k+ In which Peter's powers turn against him, Mr. Stark is back and suddenly acting kind of weird (and by weird he means flirtatious), and it’s all a lot to handle at once.

Secret Santa, Baby by orphan_account

17k+ Tony never intended to become Peter's Secret Santa. He just sort of stumbles into it. But now that he is, he's going to take advantage of it. Tony's got one week to spoil the kid, one week until Christmas. He just has to make sure that his secret stays secret.

Even When it's Raining, All You Ever Do is Shine by slothy_girl

18k+ “If you’re any more obvious, Tony, the press will have front page features by tomorrow morning,” Pepper murmurs covertly from behind the rim of her champagne glass. Or, 5 times someone knew how much they mean to each other, and 1 time they knew for themselves.

✭ adult supervision by doveslayer 19k+ Unfinished WIP. Peter Parker should not keep drunk-dialing Tony Stark after midnight. But more pressingly, Tony Stark should not keep answering.

✭ Breaking Point by LearnedFoot

20k+ Because of magic and its complete lack of sense, Tony currently has a splitting migraine that makes it hard to think, a body that aches in places he didn’t know could ache, and—oh yeah—according to Strange, none of that is going away until he gets married to someone.Super, magically, unbreakably married.

✭ Smoke Signals by resurrectedhippo

24k+ It’s an accomplishment for Peter to recreate the scene, constructing life from a set of screws and bolts. But Peter’s always wanted the real thing because plastic hearts are still plastic. He can pretend it's real though. That's the thing with hubris. If you have technology as your armor, you can play god.

Plus One by bloodgutsandstarbucks

24k+ It's tough work being Peter Parker. Particularly when you're a broke, masked vigilante and you're dating a world-renowned billionaire.

In Defiance of the Stars by OchibaKonpeki

28k+ Peter has accidentally activated a curse. Unfortunately for everyone involved, no one can leave until the terms of the curse are fulfilled.

Length: all the biggies 30k+

✭ From Thy Bounty by feyrelay, natureboy (natureboi)

30k+ Tony’s eyes are always dark, but now there's almost no iris left. He looks hollowed out. There’s something terribly hungry there, despite the feast they've filled themselves on.

✭ The Leash by downjune

30k+ Peter didn’t know if they talked to anyone else who carried them, but when he had the Infinity Gauntlet tucked under his arm, he could swear the stones were trying to… commune with him. They wanted something from him. Wanted to be used. He wanted to be rid of them. Until he found Tony Stark leaned against some torn up tree roots and rock. He found Tony dying. At that point, Peter was ready to bargain.

Piece by Piece by Atanih88

30k+ Three years after the end of the Infinity War, the world prepares to celebrate its third anniversary of freedom. The world doesn't realize that the heroes who fought for them are a little broken. But hey, maybe broken together, is better than broken and apart.

✭ Covet by Anonymous (Anon on way to church)

30k+ Peter has a new boyfriend. Tony starts drinking again, for unrelated reasons.

a game of telephone by vx2

30k+ Mr. Stark died. But then he came back to life. Mr. Stark had brought back the whole universe. And apparently, because the stones suddenly believed in fairness, they had brought Mr. Stark back too. Peter could understand. He could understand a little too well. If the stones had touched Tony, it made sense how they wouldn’t want to let him go.

✭ Better Than by unsettled

40k+ Maybe there isn't really a fixed point where it starts, where any of it starts, nothing Tony can point to and say, there, there is where I made my mistake, there is where I could have stopped this, there is where I can stop it from happening again. Maybe it shouldn’t have been something Tony tried to stop. (or: the one where Tony is going to be responsible for once, okay? He is!)

✭ Wound Up by jingle_jangle

40k+ Peter and Mr. Stark are struggling to repair a ship and get back to Earth after everyone else on Titan turns to dust. And when an accident doses Mr. Stark with sex pollen, their friendship is pushed to its limits.

✭ Velvet Elvis by orphan_account (thekeyandquill)

45k+ Peter just wants Tony to feel comfortable in Peter's new home. That's it. He totally has no ulterior motives whatsoever. Nope.

✭ Expense by Anonymous (Anon on way to church)

45k+ WIP. Peter blinks for several silent, panting seconds, then finally closes his mouth. He seems upset. “You don’t want to have sex with me?” “I don’t pay for sex. And no offense, but you’re like twelve.” “I’m eighteen.” “Whatever.” Tony didn’t actually forget his age, but that’s how this arrangement will work best.

✭ Stipulations by Anonymous (Anon on way to church)

70k+ Peter Parker’s longterm dream recently went from ‘get into MIT’ to ‘afford going to MIT’. As the time approaches, it’s dawning on him that he won’t be able to pay his tuition and afford the move to Cambridge all at once: he’s out of money, his secrets are beginning to pile up, and desperation has started creeping in... And then one night, he saves Tony Stark’s life.

✭ Set Theory by Anonymous (A. Non. collection)

70k+ WIP. Let's say Tony deals with losing Peter on Titan in his own terribly predictable and predictably terrible way: by creating a replacement Peter. But then Endgame happens - Tony survives, and OG Peter comes back.

The Way It Goes by deltorafray

70k+ A version of the story if Peter was a more emotionally mature, slightly more confident 17-year old, and Tony is a bit more open with him when they first met. A story of how the connection they forged since the beginning is enough to change the subsequent events for them and for everything else. A story of how love can affect the way it goes in profound, life-altering ways.

✭ Practical Results by Anonymous (A. Non. collection)

80k+ Let's say that after the uprising on Sakaar, the Grandmaster manages to cling to power by offering people an even better form of entertainment than the Contest of Champions: Porn. He offers them porn.

✭ Revelations by Anonymous (Anon on way to church)

125k+ Bury me with this fic. “Peter, don’t you want people to know you for who you are?” An AU where they get the Gauntlet off of Thanos that first time, on Titan.

Raising Hybrid Puppies by JayEz

150k+ When Tony saunters into the coffee shop, he never expected to meet Peter Parker, the incredibly hot barista with a brilliant mind and a passion for engineering only rivaled by Tony’s own. Tony always gets what he wants – which is pushing Peter up against the counter and making sure he forgets his own name. But he can’t. Because Peter’s sixteen.

I tried really hard to rec a wider set of authors here and encourage you all to check out their backlists. Hope you find new favourites - and make sure to drop the authors a comment.

#starker #starker fic recs #fic recs #rec list #avengers