#FEB 17 2024
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Ch209, Release update
For whatever reason, Kobo has updated their release date info for ch209 from today (2/17) to Monday (2/19).
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Colour Theory, pt. 1: Horizon Line
(formerly known as "Perspective")
shimura tenko × afab she/her and poc friendly reader ft. todoroki touya.
safe for work // 4.8k words // AO3 // part 2.
warnings: jealousy + some actions may be considered creepy. low self-esteem, shyness, a couple of very brief musical references, family member death mention.
summary: tenko goes to art school and gets a little crush on a musical theater major.
×X×
Horizon Line -- an actual or imaginary line in a work of art representing the point at which water or land seems to end and the sky begins.
×X×
Tenko had fallen asleep before the performance had even started.
He had long lost track of how long he'd been awake for. It was the end of his second semester in university and the prestigious art program he was in made sure to keep him busy with project after project. He was running out of steam. Honestly, he had been running on fumes for weeks now.
He'd rather be in his dorm finishing his assignments instead of sitting in one of the theaters in the performing arts building. If it wasn't a requirement for Fine Arts majors to attend other Fine Arts events, he would have never set foot in this place. The noise of the attendees filling the room and the orchestra tuning their instruments in the pit was grating his sleep deprived nerves.
He grumbled and crossed his arms as someone took the seat beside him, his leg bouncing as he grabbed the program the usher had handed to him when he first entered. Tenko's bloodshot eyes were barely able to process anything more than The Phantom of the Opera on the front of the flimsy pamphlet, before shutting it and glaring at the scarlet curtains on the stage.
A few minutes later, the lights began to dim and he sighed in relief as the room quieted. He could finally catch some much needed sleep.
He tried stretching his stiff legs in an attempt to loosen himself up and closed his eyes.
Only to open them at the sound of your voice singing to him on the stage.
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please, promise me you'll try."
Tenko was mesmerized. Watching you on stage woke him up more than the energy drinks he'd been living off of all semester. He was absolutely immersed with your performance. He soaked in your every word and movement and before he knew it, two hours had gone by and the cast was being applauded as they bowed.
He sat in awe for a moment as the auditorium lights flicked on and he stood, shuffling through the crowd. He found a nice corner of the lobby behind a pillar as he and some other audience members waited. He skimmed through the program and found you. He whispered your name like a secret only he could ever know.
The cast slowly came out one by one and thanked the guests for coming. Tenko's eyes darted around impatiently. Finally, out came you in the white gown you wore in your final scene, looking like an angel that had come down to offer his sin-filled existence some respite.
You greeted and thanked the attendees as they praised you and handed you flowers. It was the final night of your musical and you were beaming. Tenko's fingers fidgeted at his sides as he yearned to get closer to you and experience your radiance himself.
A guest bowed and left, leaving an opening for him to approach. He took a step out from behind the pillar, but you turned at the sound of your voice coming from behind you. Tenko recognized the person as the man who played the Phantom and sighed when he saw you turn and leave the room.
When Tenko returned to his dorm, he searched your name online and found your social media. His night was spent watching your videos. He didn't realize how much time had passed until his alarm went off and he saw the sunlight peaking out from behind onyx curtains. It was time for him to get ready for class.
The semester had finished with him acing art and barely passing his core courses. It was winter break and with most students away, the campus was deserted. The thought of having no one to go home to didn't even cross his mind as he spent the break filling his sketchbooks with your image.
His second semester started off much better than the first one. His art had rapidly improved from how much he'd been practicing recently.
He found a spot he liked. It was a small outdoor table nestled between some trees on the southern campus dormitory area. The weather on this side of the country wasn't as cold as other prefectures would be in January, but there was still the occasional breeze that made his dry skin prickle up with goosebumps. It was the rain that was more likely to get him sick, although, since he was under the wide umbrella of the table, he found that unlikely and continued his sketch of you.
A week and a half later, he gulped down the last of his cold medication and slammed the container down in frustration. He leered at the harrowed reflection staring back at him on the dirty bathroom mirror. His eyes were heavy with deep bags, his skin a sickly colour, and his black hair hadn't been brushed in 2 or 3 days. He let out a sigh.
×X×
He found another spot he liked, safe from the chilling late January rain. It was in the performing arts building, in a seating area by the entrance. The art program may have been the school's top program, but the grand architecture and romantic interior design of the performing arts building clearly showed it also wasn't anything to scoff at, despite being was a few stories shorter than the building across the quad that Tenko was more familiar with. It was much noisier here, too.
Tenko had his earbuds in as he slouched on the upholstered chair, sketching, when he noticed a familiar form in the corner of his eye.
It was someone he recognized as your frequent scene partner that you seemed to be joined at the hip with, if your social media was anything to go by. Tenko felt a spark of excitement bubbling inside of him and he looked around hoping to see you, but your face was not among the crowd of students. His hope deflated to disappointment and he scratched the side of his neck. You were likely already in class.
It was ten minutes into the hour when Tenko decided to leave. He gathered his things and carried his sketchbook in his arms as he stood and walked away from the seating area.
He tripped over his feet and bumped into someone, his sketchbook flying out of his grasp.
"Oh no, I'm so sorry!!"
It was you.
Your sweet voice was full of apology as you bent down to grab his sketchbook for him. He watched in awe at how swiftly you moved. He was at a loss for words. Your fingers froze over the edge and Tenko realized what page it had landed open on.
"Is that... me?"
Your voice sounded so pretty, even when you were confused. He felt his face burning as you grabbed the sketchbook and stood. Your eyes stared down at the sketch of you he had just done while in the seating area, when he was itching to catch a glimpse of the top of your head through the crowd.
You were so close now and it was going to kill him.
"This is from my Jekyll and Hyde audition in Spring 2220, right? Back when I was trying to get the role of Lisa. I can't believe it's already been three years since then..."
You were so close now and he knew you'd think he was a creep for watching your old videos and bumping into you. You probably thought he had it all planned out, like some sort of stalker.
"Is it okay if I flip through..?"
His brain was screaming at him to say 'no, give it back' but his head nodded, unable to deny you of anything you wanted from him. Yes, there were sketches of you without any clothes on and he was well aware of how that would look, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He would rip out his heart for you to use as a hand warmer, if you asked.
He watched with a gut wrenching mix of horror and delight as you flipped through and took your time to study every page. Drawing had always come easily for him, with hands being his favourite body part to draw. Expressions were a bit more difficult for him to feel satisfied by so he preferred to leave faces blank or smudged out. With you, he actually put in the effort to capture your expressions.
He could see your eyes carefully observe every stroke he had made and take in the details. The furrow in your brow as you focused had him contemplating whether or not he wanted to reach his hand over to your face and smooth it out or leave it perfect the way it was.
You hand him the sketchbook and he snaps out of his thoughts.
"Huh?" He had been too in his head to hear what you had said.
"Thank you, I've never had someone draw me before. It feels really nice." You say with a soft laugh.
The sound made his skin itch and the tips of his fingers tingle with electricity. He clutched his sketchbook tight enough to pale his knuckles. His nails dug into the material as he barely remembers to stop staring and nod as you offer him praise and he feels dizzy. You were so nice. Why were you so nice? To him? He wanted to speak but he couldn't decide on what to say.
"I gotta go. I'm super late to practice and my partner's going to be on my ass about it." You sighed. You wave goodbye and disappear down the hallway.
He was also a bit late to class. His figure drawing professor shot him a judgmental look as he entered the room. Tenko couldn't bring himself to care.
You knew he existed.
×X×
The weather was nice and Tenko was sketching at the outdoor table, when someone sat across from him. He looked up and saw you with an ice cream cone.
"I knew you looked familiar! You're the person that's always out here working on something."
He felt his face heating up as you took a lick of your ice cream. You were so forward. He didn't expect you to approach him again. He had chalked the positive end of your last conversation up to politeness.
"I guess you've been drawing this whole time, huh? Mystery solved. Also explains why you're so good at drawing."
"Thanks to your performances," Tenko says without thinking. He immediately panics at how creepy he sounded.
"Oh, is that why you draw me? I thought it was the outfits since the costume department goes all out. Huh, interesting."
You continue licking your ice cream while watching him and he has to look away. He felt so shy in your presence. He didn't feel worthy of your attention. You were so soft, so pretty, so talented and he was just a creep with a crush that couldn't stop himself from sketching you constantly.
He looks down at his hands as he stumbles through his nerves when he explains how watching you had helped him with movement, making his art more fluid and dynamic. When he finishes, he looks up and sees you smiling at him. The sight made his breathing hitch and he rasped out a small, "What..?"
Were you making fun of him? Is that what this was? Were you actually just here to--
"I could do some reference work for you, if you'd like?"
His eyes widened and he could feel his face heating, the corners of his lips tugging. He didn't know how to speak without making a fool of himself and he was thankful you kept talking. He was happy to sit quietly and watch you.
"We could schedule private sessions, that way it can be just the two of us without anyone interrupting."
"What?" Questioned a third, deeper voice.
The two of you look up and see your partner staring down at you while holding an ice cream cone of his own. "What kinda weird shit you getting into now?"
Your brows furrowed. "Hm? What do you mean?"
"Your wording sucks."
You took a moment to think about it and became flustered. "I didn't mean anything strange," you assured Tenko.
"Sure, pervert."
"Anyways, this is my new friend, uh..." you look over at him sheepishly, "Sorry, what's your name?"
"Shimura Tenko..." His fingers fiddle with the corner of his paper.
"Can I call you Tenko? Or is that too familiar?"
Tenko's face heated up, "Th-That's fine..."
You nod enthusiastically before looking back up at your partner. "This is my new friend Tenko. They're the artist I was telling you about!"
"Oh, so you're the creep who draws her naked."
"I-It's art..!" You defended.
"S'weird, but whatever." The man seemed bored as he licked his ice cream and took a seat in the chair beside her. "Todoroki Touya. She's like a leech so you're stuck with her now. My condolences."
You nod as you take a lick of your ice cream, "We are now bonded for life."
Tenko awkwardly looks between the two of them, unsure of what to say. The two performers end up in a conversation and he can tell you were trying to include him so that he didn't feel left out. After some bickering, Touya takes a bite out of your ice cream.
"How can you just bite it like that!? Doesn't it hurt your teeth!?"
He shrugs, "The cold never bothered me."
You hum a song from a children's movie as you pull out your phone and hand it to Tenko, asking him to insert his Line I.D. because you want to friend him. He looks between you and Touya, crimson eyes glancing at the arm the other man was lazily resting on the back of your chair.
"Is that okay..?"
You tilt your head in confusion, reminding him of a puppy. "Why wouldn't it be?"
Tenko looks from your kind eyes over to the man beside you whose turquoise pair that seemed to be blazing with fire. Tenko blinks and Touya's now impassive expression. Perhaps the dark look directed towards him was simply his mind playing tricks on him.
He typed in his username and you send him a friend request as soon as the phone is returned to you. You angle the phone above your head to take a selfie. Touya shoves his head into the frame, lazily sticking his pierced tongue out as he photobombed.
You notice the time and stand up in a hurry. "I still have that history paper due tonight and I haven't even started it yet! Bye guys!" You run off towards the student housing that happened to be across from the outdoor table, swiping your student I.D.
Tenko watched as you disappeared into the building before looking over at Touya who still sat at the table, only to find that the man was already staring at him. Tension thickened the air like smoke from a fire that made him feel almost suffocated. He opened his mouth to speak, but Touya merely scoffed at him. He finished his ice cream in a single bite and left. He watched as Touya swiped his student I.D., shooting the timid Tenko a cocky grin as he entered the same building as you.
Before he could think much of it, Tenko felt his phone vibrate and unlocked it to see you had sent him your class schedule so that you two could plan a time to meet up. He eagerly studied the photo and you sent him another photo. It was the selfie you took before you left.
"It was nice seeing you again, Tenko! Let's set up a day to hang out!! Here's a photo in case you forget who I am."
He could feel the heat rising from his neck to his ears.
You were too cute.
He could never forget you.
×X×
Over the next 3 weeks, Tenko lost track of the amount of times the two of you had hung out. Sometimes for drawing references, sometimes to eat at the dining hall, sometimes just for the hell of it. Your schedule was busier than his, so he was appreciative of the fact that you went out of your way to be with him. Especially on today, of all days.
You and Tenko sat on the floor, your backs against the mirror of the small practice room as he clutched the bag of chocolate cookies you had given him.
They were homemade, you said. You had baked them on your dorm floor's shared kitchen. They were in the shape of hearts, flowers, and there was even a bunny shaped. He didn't think he would ever forget the ache in his chest when you told him he reminded you of a bunny. The cookies had pink and red icing made with natural ingredients, which was why the palms of your hands were stained red from the beet juice. He licked his dry lips at the thought of you working hard. Just for him, too, because apparently Touya was a picky eater so you simply bought blue food colouring to use on his cookies. He swallowed anxiously as you continued speaking.
"I was hoping that maybe I'd get chocolates today."
"Isn't Valentine's Day when the girl gives the guy the chocolate..?"
You nod, "The norm is that girls give chocolates to guys on Valentine's Day then on White Day the guy can give the girl chocolates in response, but you never know! Girls can give girls chocolates, too. It happened to a friend of mine in high school, though it was the guy version of that. Anyways, why do Valentine's Day and White Day have to be gender specific? Just show the person you care about that you were thinking of them."
You sighed before continuing, "I've never gotten chocolates before. I know, it's kind of silly to whine about this, but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic so can you blame me?" You laugh softly to yourself. "If Touya was here, he'd say yes and that it's my fault. He's always teasing me about these kinds of things." Tenko watches as you purse your lips deep in thought.
Tenko chewed his lip before quietly asking, "And Touya..? Won't he give you any on White Day?"
"Maybe, but it'll be different." You pull up your knees and hug them.
Your thighs were distracting and he struggled to keep his eyes off of them.
"The cookies I gave to Touya were obligatory chocolates, not the 'real feeling' kind you would give to someone you like. Last year, I gave Touya obligatory chocolates and he started complaining because he had already received too many sweets. I was so jealous. At least I managed to convince him to give me his chocolate."
Though he enjoyed snacks, Tenko didn't really care for the holiday. He never really had a reason to... until now.
"Tenko, have you ever gotten chocolates? I mean, other than the ones I just gave you?"
"No."
"So, I'm your first?"
He nodded, moving his head to stare down at the sketch in his lap. His fingers fiddled with the corner of the page, crumpling it more and more until it became limp from wrinkling. He had always found destroying things to be quite soothing for him.
"I..." Tenko was hesitant but decided if you were going to reject him, it was better if you did it sooner rather than later. "I used to live in an orphanage..."
In the corner of his eye, he can see you moving your head quickly to look at him. He tried to swallow his nerves as he continued speaking.
"My family died in an accident when I was five. I was sent to live with a distant relative since there was no one else and the situation was not... ideal. The kids at my new school picked up on my gloominess and shunned me. Even when my great uncle died, my presence would be deemed too unsettling to anyone that tried getting to know me."
He was too afraid to turn his head to look at you so he continued fiddling with the page, ruining more and more of it. You place your hand over his, calming the destruction.
"I used to live in an orphanage, too."
Tenko's eyes widened and he looked at you. "Are you... lying?" He whispered.
"My parents died in an accident when I was little. Wrong place, wrong time. I had no other family in Japan, so I got placed in a children's home."
His eyes scanned your face, looking for any sign of this being a trick but he could tell from the warm sincerity in your eyes that you were telling him the truth. "I don't know what to say."
You smile softly at him, "You don't have to say anything."
The feeling of your thumb rubbing circles against his thumb made Tenko's heart tremble. He wanted to swim in this feeling, to drown in your touch.
He watched your eyes glance down from his dark eyes to his lips, his breathing hitching in anticipation as you leaned in slowly to--
The practice room door opened, making the two of you flinch. Tenko missed the feeling of your hand as you leaned back and glared at the intruder.
"I thought I told you to knock before opening doors. You scared me." You folded your arms against your chest.
"I guess I won't give you my chocolates," Touya taunted as he walked over to you. He dropped his bag at the side of you Tenko wasn't on, making a loud 'thump' as it hit the wood floor.
"Chocolate!!"
Touya smirked as you opened it and pulled out a heart shaped cookie with the kanji for love written in icing.
"Whatever, eat later. We've got rehearsal."
You look up at Touya while stuffing your face before looking over at Tenko, then back at your partner. "Already? It's not for another twenty minutes."
Touya rolled his eyes and grabbed the bag before you could reach in for more sweets. "Early is on time, on time is late."
"Hey, that's what I tell you! Don't use those words against me, they sound weird coming from your mouth." You wipe your hands against a handkerchief before moving to stand up. "By that logic, you're always late."
Touya moved towards the door, beckoning you closer with the bag, "Here, doggy."
"Doggy..!?"
"If you spin around and bark I'll give you a treat."
The two of you could hear him laughing as he walked out of the room with the bag.
You pout, "That Touya... doesn't he know dogs can't eat chocolates?" You shake your head and Tenko stands, pulling his backpack on. "I guess I'll... see you later then?"
It felt kind of awkward now, but Tenko didn't mind that much. He only wished that your time together wasn't cut so short.
"Yeah..."
"Can't wait." You grin and walk out of the dance practice room together. You wave as you go down the opposite side of the hall to catch up with Touya. In the distance Tenko can hear you woof.
As Tenko exited the performing arts building, he felt his phone vibrate. He opened it and saw a selfie of you with chocolate smeared on the side of your face, while trying to shove Touya's face out of the frame and seemingly getting the chocolate on his face in the process.
He grinned. He also couldn't wait to see you again.
×X×
"Chocolate? For me?" You gaped at the small bag of chocolates.
Tenko nodded, his eyes shyly peering up at you as you grabbed the bag and opened it. "There's only four. I made more but they… got ruined…"
"They're handmade?" Your face softened at him, making his heart flutter and his fingers flex at his sides in excitement. You took a bite of one and grinned wide, covering your mouth with your hand as you spoke. "This is really good, Tenko. I didn't know you could cook."
Tenko couldn't but he wasn't going to ruin the moment by speaking. He watched as you ate. The two of you were sitting side by side at his favourite outdoor table near your dorm.
Last month, on Valentine's Day, the end of your conversation was a little awkward but thankfully it was gone the next time you guys saw each other. Once again, the two of you had hung out together a bunch of times. The biggest difference though was proximity. Tenko had noticed you getting closer and closer to him at every encounter.
"I finally received chocolates from someone. I'm really happy that it was you, Tenko."
He felt like he died and went to heaven. It would explain your presence. You just needed a halo.
"They're…"
Your eyes looking up from the bag made him nervous and he shook his head, deciding it was better if he didn't finish the sentence.
"They're what?" You ask, sensing his hesitation. "It's just me," you reassure.
"Just you..?" Just you? Just you?
You smile at him before looking down at the bag of chocolates with a pensive expression for a few moments. You look back up at him.
"Tenko."
"…Yes?" His voice nearly broke. Did he go to far? Did he?
"Even if your hair is always in your face, you're pretty cute." You reach out and brush his hair to the side, tucking it behind his ear. The warmth of your finger tips were no match for the heat flaring across his entire body at your sweet gesture.
You giggle and slowly lean in to his face. He doesn't move. He is frozen. You place a kiss on his cheek and he panics, moving further away in his chair with his hand coming up to hover over the site of your affection.
"Y-You kissed me…"
"I-- I'm-- I'm sorry! I didn’t think you would be offended by it. Are you okay?"
"What about Touya!?"
You look at him with a puzzled expression. "What about Touya?"
"He's your boyfriend, isn't he!?"
"Huh!?" You sat up straight in your seat, eyes wide with shock. "I don't have a boyfriend??"
"What.!?"
"You mean --this whole time-- you thought Touya was my--" A laugh escaped your lips for a brief second until you collected yourself, looking at him seriously. "Touya's my best friend. I mean… I did like him at one point but it wasn't reciprocated. Not that it matters, that's old news. I like you, Tenko."
The air left his lungs and he was pretty sure it wasn't going to come back anytime soon.
You liked him?
You?
Liked him?
Shimura Tenko?
Was he dreaming? Hallucinating this entire conversation? It was the only way any of this made sense.
"Here, eat some of these chocolates with me. They're really yummy. The perfect mix of sweet and salty." You pluck one from the baggy and lift it towards his lips. He stares into your eyes then down at the chocolate.
"I'd rather you eat them…"
You pout, "Okay, I won't force you."
You nibble on the chocolate and Tenko licks his lips at the sight.
"What?" You half-laugh. His eyes snap back up to yours.
"I like you, too."
"You do?" You look at him shyly. "I guess now would be a good time to tell you those chocolate cookies I gave you last month were the 'real feeling' kind?"
You've liked him for that long?
Tenko couldn't control himself anymore and, without warning, he leans in and takes your lips into a kiss. It's clumsy and awkward just like him, but you don't shove him away.
He can taste the salty sweet on your tongue as you kiss him back and though he wants to keep going, his lungs protested. He pulls back and the two of you stare at each other as he gathers his bearings.
"Was that your first kiss?" You ask.
He offers a small nod, "It was that bad..?"
"It's okay, we'll have plenty of time to practice."
Surprise filled him. "You want to d-do it again?"
You giggle, "Of course I do. As long as you're alright with it…"
"Right now? We can do it again right now?" He knew he sounded eager but he couldn't bring himself to care. He needed to feel the softness of your lips against his own.
"I like your enthusiasm." You laugh. "Let's do it when it's just us, okay? We're in public. I'm sure we can schedule in some more uninterrupted private sessions, right, Tenko?" You teased lightly.
Tenko gulped, nodding since he didn't trust his voice at the moment.
You weren't disgusted by him, you wanted to kiss him. You wanted to be alone with him. You accepted him and all his faults.
You liked him.
Tenko, impatient as he was, could wait as long as you needed him to.
He loved you.
#shimura tenko#shigaraki tomura#tenko x reader#shigaraki x reader#tenko shimura x reader#shimura tenko x reader#tomura shigaraki x reader#shigaraki tomura x reader#tenko x you#tenko x y/n#shigaraki x you#shigaraki x y/n#spookyxsprinkles#do ppl on tumblr read shiggy x reader fics#chapter 2 will be out in 2-3 weeks#i finally learned how to do the pretty gradient text html lmao#i got shadowbanned for an hour why did that happen my account is still funky :(#edit feb 17 2024: changed the wording from cis to afab she/her reader cuz it's been bothering me since i posted my first fic#- cuz ik you can be afab she/her and not be cis. i just didn't know how to word it. it really was that simple huh. def feel better now.#edit feb 17 2024 i am also adding lil dividers im editing#edit march 12 2024 fixed the timeline and academic structure hehe i am trying so hard not to delete this after rereading it
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Instagram story by meredeathmetal
[Feb 17, 2024]
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i’m sorry i’ve been away so long. i’m gonna keep it a buck-75 with you guys.
tw abuse
i was in a month-long abusive relationship with someone who used to be my friend. a shitty friend, at that. she’s honestly the worst person i have ever met, and i’m thankful she’s out of my life now.
she isolated me, exhausted me, and did much worse than that. i’m thankful we were long-distance only because i probably would never have been able to leave otherwise.
she prevented me from doing things i enjoyed because of how much attention she demanded, including posting here. i only got a few posts in on my other blogs and this one because i only had a spare few chances to do so.
you know shit is bad when the only place you’re granted space is at work. even my “alone time” had her still sending messages and asking for me to do stuff with her.
i’m thankful to be out, but the whole thing was traumatizing and upsetting and i have worse trust issues now than i had going in.
anyway, all that is to say that i’m gonna do what i can to regain some normalcy around here and try to be more active again.
i’ve been writing and reading fics of different fandoms and been doing all the things i enjoy now that i have the freedom to.
i’ll try to post something more light-hearted for my next post, but for now i’m gonna get ready for work.
#from the garden#update#tw abuse#feb 16 2024#i’m free!!! im free!!!! i broke away from her!!!! she can’t do shit to me!!!!#and if she tries she’s gonna get a restraining order from me#what i don’t know about what she has to say won’t hurt me#bc ignorance of her BS is bliss#anyway yippee#i got out a few weeks ago but it’s been hard processing things#also this is just scratching the surface. we’d be on the tip of the iceberg on a 17-tier iceberg chart
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GENE | SHE/HE | 23 | PH | WEBSITE
CARRDS: ABOUT ME | COMMISSION INFO
Hi! I'm Gene and I like to draw. I mainly follow / like / reply from @genebeanz ! I draw and post whatever I want on here, and my main interest as of right now are my original characters! If you're expecting any sort of consistency with whatever fan content that brought you here to my page...best to not set your standards too high on that one because this is my house and I POST what I want!!!
also I WILL block you if you're a p3d0/z00/proshitter/t3rf/rac1st. my content is not for you. don't be gross.
Feel free to ask anything about my ocs! My askbox is always open unless specified otherwise. If you'd like to make fanart, PLEAZE tag me in it so I can see it and gush over it!!! Or DM me / maybe I'll make a fanart tag. '#icecreampizzer fanart' maybe idk
Main OC projects and general tag stuff are under the cut!
GENERAL TAGS
#gene art - art tag
#gene ocs - oc tag
#gene answers - ask tag
#gene writes - writing tag (like fics and headcanons if I ever post them here)
#gene vids - video/animation tag
#art by others - art for me, made by other wonderful people!
specific oc posts are tagged with their full names, fanart and stuff are usually tagged by some of the Mainly used tags by the fandom
story tags are specified in the next section
MAIN PROJECTS
LAMENTATIONS OF A TIME MACHINE .
tags: #loatm / #lamentations of a time machine
sci-fi / drama / comedy about a time machine that lost his memories. toyhouse folder | website page
THEREFORE I AM .
tags: #tia / #therefore i am
fantasy / drama / mystery about two identities who need to figure out who they really were. Everyone's also based on will wood songs so that's something i guess toyhouse folder | website page
#about meee finally a NEW one#UNREBLOGGABLE POST.#about me#updated feb 17 2024 just added some tags and such#i kinda want to remake it though
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#twenty one pilots#twentyonepilots#josh dun#joshua dun#tyler joseph#2024#feb 17#febuary 17#february 17#feb 2024#febuary 2024#february 2024#feb ‘24#febuary ‘24#february ‘24#altguy#forum#music board#sum 41
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Feb 17 - Cleaned the upstairs bathroom. Ran two loads of laundry. Played more No Man's Sky; still working my way through getting rid of excess bases and fixing the preview screenshots of the ones I'm keeping. Also completely re-built one base I was keeping, because I didn't like my earlier attempt at what I'd had in my head at the time. Much happier with the new version. Here it is when partially done:
For supper I did a taco beef filling for tortilla wraps.
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youtube
#Boundless Opportunities in Canada I Australia I Germany & Europe I Live Zoom Webinar on 17 Feb 24#🌐🎓 𝑺𝑻𝑼𝑫𝒀 & 𝑺𝑬𝑻𝑻𝑳𝑬 𝒊𝒏 🇨🇦 Canada#🇦🇺 Australia#🇩🇪 Germany & Europe! 🌍✨ 👉 Join our Zoom Webinar on 17th Feb 2024 at 03:00 PM 🆔 Meeting ID: 890 6661 6640 🔗 Registration Link: https://us06w#𝐂𝐨 𝐋𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐍𝐨: 𝟎𝟏/𝐦𝐜-𝟐 𝐒𝐂𝐅: 𝟔𝟔#𝟐𝐧𝐝 & 𝟑𝐫𝐝 𝐅𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐫#𝐏𝐡𝐚𝐬𝐞 -𝟓#𝐌𝐨𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐢 (𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐡) 𝐌𝐨𝐛 𝐍𝐨: 𝟖𝟖𝟕𝟐𝟏𝟗𝟖1𝟎𝟎 / 𝟖𝟖𝟕𝟐𝟏𝟗𝟖8𝟎𝟎 / 8872121600 𝐰𝐰𝐰.𝐬𝐰𝐢𝐜𝐬.𝐨𝐫𝐠#StudyAbroad#GlobalOpportunities#CanadaStudy#AustraliaStudy#GermanyStudy#EuropeStudy#EducationAbroad#StudyVisa#WorkAbroad#ZoomWebinar#StudyVisaConsultation#InternationalEducation#GlobalLearning#StudentLifeAbroad#CareerDevelopment#VisaConsultation#StudyAbroadWebinar#OpportunitiesAbroad#HigherEducation#InternationalExperience#Youtube
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Freezer Burn
todoroki touya × gender neutral and poc friendly reader
not safe for work // 6.3k words // AO3.
warnings: angst, break up, arguing, crying, touya has an avoidant attachment style, dialogue heavy, poor communication, nipple biting, oral, possessive, fingering, spooky doesn't know how to write.
"Are you breaking up with me?"
"Don't be so melodramatic. We weren't even dating," Touya said, taking his keys out of his pocket.
"I--I know but... you know what I mean."
"What do you expect me to say?" He scoffed. "That I'm sorry? 'Cause I'm not. I don't want this."
"Liar."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night." He opened the door of your apartment and walked out towards his car.
"You think I don't know you're pushing me away on purpose?" You follow him out, not caring that you had different shoes on. "As much as you like to pretend you don't care, I know you--"
He interrupted you with an angry laugh, before turning to face you as he reached the sidewalk in front of his car. "You must be delusional if you think you have me all figured out. Don't tell me what I feel. You don't fucking know me."
His car's lights flashed as it unlocked and he opened the door, standing there and glaring at you like if you had spit in his face. Maybe, in his mind, you did.
"I don't need to know every little thing about you to know that you're lying to yourself because you're afraid."
"Afraid of what, huh? Afraid that I'll actually start to care about you as more than just a hole I use to get my rocks off, before ghosting you like all the others that came before? Yeah, you're not special, sweetheart," his hands trembled with fury.
You visibly flinched at his words.
You knew he was right. You were acquainted with him through mutual friends for quite some time before getting physically involved with him. You knew of his non-committal self-sabotaging tendencies. You knew, but it didn't make his words hurt any less.
A flash of guilt flickered in his icy eyes but it disappeared just as soon as it came thanks to the scorching heat of his emotions. You swallowed the lump forming in your throat, trying to keep your voice steady as you spoke quietly with stinging eyes.
"Maybe I'm not special, but at least I can be honest with myself. Which is more than you can say about yourself."
He threw his hands up in the air, laughing. "Real cute coming from you. I'm not the one that's so desperate for attention I start writing sappy love stories in my head. Maybe someday you'll find someone who wants to deal with this shit, but it's not gonna be me."
He moved to get in his car, so you took a few steps forward which was enough to catch his attention and stop him from getting in.
"You were just as lonely and desperate for attention as me when we first met, Touya. You parade around all day acting like you don't care about anything, you can't feel anything, but if that was the case you wouldn't come back. You always come back home."
It was a slip up a few months ago. The two of you were out with some friends at a karaoke room and he said he wanted to go home. You never brought it up to him, but he could tell from the way you nearly choked on your food, that you heard him. Since then, every time he heard the word 'home' he'd think about that moment and regret letting himself drink enough to forget his common fucking sense.
And now you had acknowledged that it was a real moment that actually happened when he'd much rather shove the memory away and pretend it was something someone else said. Someone not him.
You stood a few feet in front of him, sniffling and staring down at the tires of his car that he had taught you how to change and fill with air without you asking him to.
"You're the most stubborn person I've ever met. You never do anything you don't want to do, but you kept coming back." You wiped your nose, ignoring the feeling of the hot tears spilling down your cheeks. "Even now, you're still standing here, talking with me instead of leaving. If you didn't care, you would have already left."
He froze as if you had pushed the pause button on his anger. He stared at you intensely. The only sounds breaking the silence was a dog barking at sirens in the distance and your sniffles.
He hated that you were right.
"So what?"
He got in his car, slamming the door in anger and started the engine.
He buckled his seat belt and turned in his seat to look through the rear window as he slowly backed out of the parking space.
You panicked, suddenly shoving your upper body inside his open window.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" He hit the breaks immediately, causing you to flail as you lost your balance and he swiftly grabbed your arms to keep you from slipping and busting your head on asphalt.
"W--We haven't finished talking..!" You gasped, feeling your heartbeat pounding in your chest. "If you leave now, you'll only feel worse later!"
He simply stared at you in disbelief. His mind was screaming at him to get the hell out of there. The only thing stopping him from flooring the gas pedal was the fact that your legs still dangled helplessly outside of the car as you struggled to get inside.
You looked ridiculously stupid as you clung to the window with a tear streaked face. You also seemed so determined…
"Get out of my car," he snapped. "Right now."
He released a hand from you and moved it towards the handle of the door, but you caught his wrist with your hands.
"No," you said as firmly as your grip on his wrist.
His eyes watched as you continued to struggle to balance your body on the door comfortably. He had no idea what your endgame was here.
"You're fucking crazy."
"I love you, Touya," you gasped out. "I'm in love with you and I know you're afraid. I know you've been hurt before. I know you hate everything that's happening right now, but I can't let you leave like this." You tried wiping your eye by rubbing it against your shoulder, before looking back at him.
"I won't force you to stay with me and I won't force you to share things you don't want to share, but I also won't let you run away without us properly talking things through. If we're gonna break up then I don't want to let it end with that as one of our regrets."
He hated that you weren't giving up on him so easily.
Touya stared at you as you spoke. You were so calm and reasonable in spite of the ridiculous position you were in. There was no anger or irritation in your voice, just sincerity and...
He let out a deep breath in an attempt to stay calm.
"That's very big of you," he said defensively. He was always so defensive. "Trust me, it's better this way."
Your eyes studied his face before you decide to take the plunge and vocalize the thoughts that had been swimming around in your head recently. "Is it better or is it just the easiest way to avoid your feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection?"
You watched as his eyes widened a minuscule amount that likely would've gone unnoticed if you hadn't known him for so long. You could feel the flames of his rage from the way his face contorted, his mouth opening to set you ablaze.
Your hands slipped down from his wrist to hold his hand gently in yours, your thumbs resting on the back of his hand.
Your grip was loose. He could easily pulled himself free if he wanted to.
But he didn't.
And that's all you needed.
"I've seen you be blunt beyond the point of just being rude to others and to yourself. You have standards that make it easy for you to look down on those who don't meet them yet even the ones that do fit them get pushed away. You easily say whatever's on your mind, unless what's on your mind risks leaving you vulnerable."
Your thumbs delicately drew circles into the dark marks on the back of his hand that were uniquely his. A sad smile marred your face as you continued to speak.
"I'm always watching you, always listening." Your eyes looked up into his, persevering through his gaze that scorched anything he deemed a threat. "You'd rather be alone than feel alone."
He was speechless as he watched you speak. You read him like an open book. A book he routinely burned whenever someone poked and prodded in a pathetic attempt to get closer to him. How had he let his fire get extinguished so easily? How did it not burn you like it did everyone else?
Like it burned him.
Even he was unable to escape his own flames unscathed.
The fantasy that played in his mind's eye was one where you patiently stood before him as the smoke cleared. His eyes stung and his breathing hitched at the thought.
He sighed deeply, looking more tired than you'd ever seen him before.
"I was serious," his words and tone contrasting with the heavy look he carried on his face. "You're wasting your time if you expect me to tell me what you wanna hear."
You shook your head, "I'm not asking you to say it back. I don't need words when your actions mean more to me." I bring his knuckles to my lips, pressing a soft kiss before looking into his eyes, "Besides, if it's time you're worried about, I wouldn't mind wasting it together."
His entire body reflexively ached to leave at the display of vulnerability, yet he couldn't tear his eyes away from you.
Words escaped him as he stared back into your eyes with a confusing mix of fear and hope swirling in his icy blues.
He swallowed hard and finally spoke, "So, all this time," he started as he gathered his bearings, "you've been watching me like some kind of weirdo?"
"Of course," you laughed softly. The movement set a jolt of pain to your abdomen that reminded you of your current position. "Can we go back inside and talk? My stomach hurts from hanging out in your car like this..."
You hissed as you tried to remove yourself from the car. It was definitely gonna leave a mark. He waited until you moved back to the sidewalk before he parked and got out.
"I didn't tell you to jump through the window like a maniac. Seriously, what's wrong with you?"
"Desperate times call for--"
"Dumb ass fucking measures?"
"Yes, precisely. Glad we're on the same page."
He rolled his eyes as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders, walking back to the apartment. "Masochist."
"Sadist."
"You know the door was unlocked, right? I was gonna show you 'til you started manhandling me."
"Never let them know your next move."
"So, just dangle like an idiot and hope you don't get run over?"
"I'll admit I'm not good under pressure."
He snorted as you opened the door. He just realized you had chased him out in different shoes. Desperate times, indeed.
"Anyways," you continued as you shut the door behind you and removed your shoes, "You liked it. Thought it was super cool and hot when I was flailing around like an idiot."
"Yeah," he said genuinely, catching you off guard and nearly causing you to trip over the entryway step, but you caught yourself against his arm.
You looked up at him with hopeful eyes. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," he repeated sincerely, his eyes staying on yours. "I did."
You swallowed, feeling your eyes prickle with tears as your mouth gaped at him.
He pinched your cheek.
"C'mon," he said as he walked away from you and further into your home to take a seat on the couch. "Let's do this talking thing. We can watch a movie after or whatever..."
You couldn't see his face as he walked away but you could hear his uncharacteristically breathy inflection and stiff tone when he spoke. Was he feeling nervous? Shy..?
The fact that he was the one trying to get the conversation started rather than avoiding it made your chest bloom with warmth. You had expected him to come up with other things to do first in order to put off the awkward and uncomfortable feelings for a bit longer.
You hopped over to him with a blindingly bright grin, sitting near him on the couch to give him some space for this conversation. However, he pulled your body closer to his so that your sides were pressed up against each other. He wrapped an arm around you while you leaned against his chest.
"So..." he started and you could hear something akin to timidity in his tone so you hugged him, letting your hands affectionately stroke his sides. "I'm shit at feelings."
You wanted to laugh at his blunt word choice but didn't want to come off as mocking and discourage him from speaking. "You are not shit at feelings. You seem to feel things quite strongly. We just need to work on helping you feel more comfortable with letting them out in a healthy way, rather than boxing them up and defaulting to avoidance."
"So, I'm shit at feelings."
"If you say that one more time I am going to bite you."
"I'm shit at-- what the fuck!"
"You were warned."
"My fucking tit--"
"Not my fault it's so chewy."
"I'm shit at-- don't you bite me you fucking animal. Hear me out." He had pinched your cheek again to stop your open mouth from it's impending attack. "I'm shit at this. I know. Don't… laugh at me."
Your eyes softened and you brought your hand up to cup the one he had squeezing your cheek. He released his hold on your skin but you kept it held as you let it slide down to your lap.
"It might feel a bit awkward for you but I promise I won't think less of you for sharing your feelings. I appreciate that you've been trying."
"'Been trying?' I've done jack shit."
"No, you have done 'shit'." You reassured him as your fingers drew circles into the skin of his hand. "You came inside--"
"I always come inside," he smirked.
You bit him again.
"What? No complaint for me this time, Touya?"
"I deserved it."
"Masochist."
"Sadist."
Your lips pursed for a moment as you tried to remember where you were.
"Ah, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," you glared at him playfully, "You've already shown me that you're trying. You came back inside, initiated our talking time, and you're participating, too. I know emotional stuff feels hard, but I'm really, really proud of you."
He let out a 'tch' in jest, before leaning down to whisper into the side of your head. "In case you forgot, I also listened to you while you tried playing leap frog on my car."
"Very true, but I didn't forget. I didn't want to include it since I was practically holding you hostage at the time."
"Hostage?" He laughed haughtily, "If I really wanted to leave you I would've ran you over."
"Why is that strangely sweet..."
"'Cause you're a damn masochist. Get help."
"This, coming from the sadist..." The room was quiet as I rubbed his chest lightly with one hand. "I was really scared you were going to leave earlier, Touya. Like, for good."
He clenched his jaw but didn't say anything, opting to listen since he knew she probably had more to say on the matter. And she did.
"I was afraid that I scared you off by talking about-- about whatever menial domestic thing it was we were talking about before. I can't even remember what it was." You clutched his shirt without thinking as you struggled to remember what could've been the catalyst to losing the person you loved.
"Toilet paper," he stated after a pause. "You read about some sale at the store and were talking about how we should go before the weekend so we could stock up. Then you mentioned wanting to buy me strawberry ice cream."
Silence.
"It all sounded so permanent, so easy to you." You could feel his body tense as he struggled to force himself to speak. "Seeing a future where we go grocery shopping for toilet paper and you buying me something. Something that'll sit in the freezer waiting for me even when I'm not around. Something just for me." His last words were barely a whisper.
Your mouth felt dry, it made sense. He had a hard time staying in one place for too long if it felt like he was being smothered or expected to do things he didn't want to do. Your apartment was no exception, even if he clearly spent more time here than any other place.
"Yeah, you're not special, sweetheart."
You felt a cold ache in your chest at the thought of his angry words from earlier.
You told yourself they were just that, angry words. If they were true, would he have bothered to come back at all? No. You knew Touya was good at lying and even better at emotional warfare. It's how he protected himself. He hadn't done it to you since before the two of you were friends, back when you were just another random person trying too hard to get to know him. Today was the first time in years he had said something that caused you to feel bad about yourself.
You would need to talk about it with him later. Right now you wanted to hear him out, so you shove the memory away for now. You can worry about it later.
As painful as it was to hear him speak of his troubles with having a place to call home, you were grateful to him for really trying. Really, it was incredible just how far he's come already. You always knew he was a fast learner if he wanted to be and this meant so much to you. He had never let himself get this vulnerable with you before.
You wanted to tell him something in response but why did it have to be now, of all times, that you couldn't find the words to speak?
You forced yourself to swallow and nodded at him in encouragement. You didn't want to cry and risk him getting cold feet about the feelings thing. You didn't want him to think this was a mistake and that you couldn't handle the truth, because you could, you just felt deeply for the inner conflicts that took place inside of his head. His fears, his happiness, his efforts... it all meant the world to you and it was really getting to you.
You quietly cleared your throat and with a hoarse voice said, "I can see how that would have caused you to react the w-way that you did."
You mentally cursed yourself for the way your voice broke pathetically mid-sentence. "Sorry about that." And you were. You knew he got flighty over things like that but in the moment I just wasn't thinking.
"Hey, don't wimp out on me now." He pinched at your cheek again. "If I'm gonna bare my damn soul or whatever the hell, you sure as shit better not hold out on me. If you gotta get weepy, then get weepy. I'll save the laughing for later."
Your lips trembled at his words and you can feel your face crumple as you bury it into his chest and wept.
"I was so scared I lost you, Touya."
He stared down at you, committing the sight to memory.
His carelessness did this.
He pulled you in closer to him and placed his cheek on the crown of your head. A little while later you calmed down, sniffling and apologizing for accidentally turning his shirt into a tissue.
"Sorry, this is really embarrassing," you sniffled out with a stuffy nose.
He took in the sight of your puffy eyes and runny nose, before looking away. "S'whatever. I know you, too, you know. That thing you said earlier? About you always watching and listening? I do the same shit with you. If being a crybaby helps, then do it unless you wanna be shit at feelings, too."
Sniffle. "We're both not the best at handling our own feelings, huh..."
"An understatement, in my case."
"It's good that you're acknowledging the areas where you could use some improvement." You say as you reach up to cup his cheek and kissed the corner of his lip. "You're doing so well, Touya."
The way your thumb gently rubbed the pale skin of his cheek while you looked at him with honey in your eyes made his chest ache.
"You--" he swallowed as he held your gaze, "think so?"
You nodded and leaned in to press another kiss on his lips. "I know so."
He felt that familiar urge to run away when shit got too personal, but he yearned for more of the pure warmth you offered to his cold, sorry existence.
"I can't promise to always be better. I'll fuck up. I know it. Just don't give-- don't give up on me."
Sharing feelings was embarrassing, painfully so. At least, that's what he told himself to explain the lump in his throat when he struggled to say the words out loud. His hand moved to your thigh and squeezed it, "I'm stubborn but I don't want to fuck this up. When I fuck up, I'll need time to get my head out of my ass."
You felt like crying again seeing how desperately he tried to let you know he wasn't going to always be good at the communication, but he wanted to be and he was trying.
"I'll sit in the freezer waiting for you."
"I-- what? The hell?"
You laugh softly at his dumbfounded expression. "I'll be the ice cream sitting in the freezer waiting for you. So, don't worry about having to rush the process. Do your best. I believe in you, Touya."
He stared at your face for a moment.
"You have low iron. The freezer would kill you."
"I'll be fine 'cause you're always warm."
He once again felt that familiar ache in his chest that he usually got around you. "Wait too long and you'll get freezer burn."
"Are you saying a little freezer burn would keep you from eating your favourite ice cream?" You paused when you noticed his amused expression. "Okay, I walked myself into that one."
"Yeah," the corner of his lip twitched as his eyes darkened. "You did."
"Hey, I know that look. We need to finish talking first-- T-Touya!"
He grabbed your legs, flipping you on your back against the couch with him crawling over you.
"Don't you wanna reward me for doing well so far?" He asked in a low voice. You whimpered at the sight of his heavily lidded eyes looking down at you, amused with your flustered face.
"W-Well, positive reinforcement is a good way of encouraging good behavior, so yes we can, but you have to swear we will talk about this right after-"
He expertly rolled his hips against you, making you gasp. "I'm feeling pretty encouraged right now. You can feel it too, I bet."
You definitely felt it.
He kissed your lips as he removed your bottoms, pushing the backs of your knees as far against as he knew you could comfortably take, exposing the entirety of you in your underwear.
"I swear," he licked a slow stripe against the fabric before pushing it to the side and staring hungrily at your flesh, "on my god damn dick, we'll talk right after I make you come at least four times."
"F-Four?" You could feel his thumb teasing you as he swiped up and down your flesh.
"Five now," his lips wrapped around your sweet spot. He sucked while rubbing his tongue against it at the same time, making your body shudder.
He needed to make up for making you cry so much today.
Your hips bucked against his face, then his fingers.
"So fucking eager after all that talking, huh?" He gave a lopsided grin as he licked the taste of you left behind on his lips. "Yeah, we're definitely talking more often."
He soaked his fingers with the bottle of lube he liked leaving between the seat cushions for times like these. You felt one of his slick fingers tease your tight hole.
"Tell me who fucks you better than me."
"N-No one!"
"Weak shit. Say it again."
"You're the only one who fucks me t-this well!"
He slowly pressed his finger in, the stretch making you sing. He took his time prepping you before inserting another finger and moving in and out of you. He lapped you into whines, working his hand at the pace he knew drove you wild. You cried out praises for him, which he liked almost as much as he liked fucking you to tears.
"And who does this hole belong to? Who owns the rest of this pretty body?"
"Y-You do, it's yours, Touya! It's all yours for you to use as you please!"
You felt your legs trembling as he kept his hands busy with fucking you. The coil inside of you tightening as he vigorously pumped and sucked.
"T-Touya..!" You voice broke as you wailed.
He smirked, feeling satisfied at how fervently your hips bucked against him. You were a needy mess and he hadn't even stretched you with his fat cock yet.
Soon.
"It's mine. You're all fucking mine." His head dived back in and you felt yourself on the precipice of-
"Yeah, you're not special sweetheart."
You shook your head and looked down at him as he looked up at you. He sucked you hard, making your back arch. You were so close.
You stared through half lidded eyes, throat already sore from the sounds he'd easily pulled from you. You tried to focus on the view of him pleasuring you with expertise. Your was mouth open as you shut your eyes and leaned your head back against the couch. You were so close.
"Afraid of what, huh? Afraid that I'll actually start to care about you as more than just a hole I use to get my rocks off, before ghosting you like all the others that came before you?"
You grit your teeth.
Now was not the time for this.
Your eyes shut. You forced the memory away from the forefront of your mind. It doesn't matter right now, you'll tell him how you feel about it later.
Now wasn't the time.
Later.
Later.
...
"Fuck!!" You felt Touya pull his body away from you. "Did I not hear you say the safeword!?"
You opened your eyes and Touya's blurry face had moved from in between your legs to kneeling on the floor beside where you laid on the couch. You blinked your eyes and wiped them with your hands. Oh.
You were crying again.
The realization brought more tears and you looked over at Touya who stared down at you fearfully.
"Maybe someday you'll find someone who wants to deal with this shit, but it's not gonna be me."
"Hey, what--" his voice cracked.
Your body shook as you sobbed into your hands.
A sinking feeling had found it's place in his stomach. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't-- I didn't hear you-"
"T-That's not it." Your voice muffled by your hands and your stuffed nose as you continued to sob. "The sex was consensual the w-whole time."
He looked down at you confused. Relieved that he hadn't hurt you in that way, but stressed since he didn't know what happened to you. His chest burned with anxiety and it made him feel restless. He grabbed your throw blanket and pulled it over you, which you used to hide your sloppy face as you tried to calm yourself down.
"Touya," you cried quietly and he stared down at you frozen with fear.
It was him.
"Tell me what I did." He knew he'd fuck up. He just didn't think it'd be this soon.
You didn't want to hurt him. You wanted to protect him but how could you protect him from the very words he spat at you in a desperate rage? Not speaking up about your own feelings fully and pushing them aside for someone else's sake is how you got here in the first place.
You needed to practice what you preached.
"I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you said to me."
The parking lot. He already knew. He hated himself when he said those things and he hated himself now.
It was only a matter of time until he'd ruin things here.
You saw him grab his phone from the floor before standing up and walking across the living room. It must have fallen during your activities.
"I'll text Toga to come by. I'll stay until then."
"Don't go."
"I shouldn't be here."
"Because you hurt my feelings?"
"Yes!" He snapped. "This isn't masochism, it's straight up fucking delusional if you can't see the problem with me staying."
"You hurt my feelings," you sniffled. "It's going hurt whether or not you leave. Stay and talk with me about it."
"This talking shit clearly isn't working. One second you're telling me I fuck you the best then suddenly you're crying in the next. I already ruined whatever we could've had before it even started. We already know how this ends, so don't waste your time."
"If you leave then we will know how this ends." You sat up on the couch, clutching the soft blanket like a lifeline. Your voice was firm, but not enough to cover your soft determination. "You're hurt and so am I. So, sit with me instead of running away. Leaving things the way they are now is the sure-fire way to ruin this."
His jaw tightened as he stayed where he was.
"We talked a little bit earlier, but the issue just now wasn't your fault. It was mine-"
"You're not the one who said all that nasty shit to the person you-" He turned away and glared holes into an innocent plant. "It's over. We're not even fucking dating and it's over." He ran a hand through his hair and laughed.
"You did say horrible things, but I kept brushing off my feelings. We talked a bit earlier, but I still had feelings left unsaid." You stood up, the sound of your feet padding against the floor behind him made him stiffen. You stood in front of him, with your arms loosely crossed on your chest. "How are you supposed to know that stuff was still bothering me? It's not like you can read my mind."
"Don't be fucking dense."
"I seem to recall us wanting to work things out. You told me not to give up on you, remember?"
"Before I realized I traumatized you by saying a bunch of shit!"
"You didn't traumatize me, you hurt my feelings. There's a difference."
"You know the reason you had 'feelings left unsaid' is 'cause I basically mounted you before you could finish saying them, right?"
"No, that's not true and don't demonize yourself like that." You reached for his hand that was balled into a fist at his side, but he pulled it away.
He wasn't worthy of your compassion.
You frowned but didn't let it deter you. "I said it was okay --and before you say anything-- I wasn't coerced into it, either."
His eye twitched at her already knowing what he was going to say before he said it.
"You tease and mock, but you've shown me time and time again that you respect me and my body. You waited until I gave consent and I know that if I didn't give it, you would've let it go and let me talk about my feelings instead. You didn't take advantage of me. I disrespected myself by not prioritizing my own feelings. That's what the main issue was here."
"You said you couldn't stop thinking about what I said. It's my fault, they were my shitty fucking words."
"I'm not trying to say your words weren't a part of it, they definitely were, but I know you were just... saying what you could to put distance in between us."
He sneered, "Is that what you're telling yourself? Doesn't matter why I said it. Intentional or not, lies or not: it still fucking hurt you." His lips curled bitterly as remorse stained the cool blue of his eyes. "It'll be what you think of when you see me from now on."
You took a small step towards him, careful not to invade his personal space but enough to momentarily satisfy your need for physical closeness. Your need for the comfortable heat he offered to you as you both stood together in silence.
"I won't lie..." You started.
He knew that you never lied to him. Your stupidly sincere approach to interactions with him were probably what got him wrapped around your finger in the first place.
He did wonder if you ever lied to yourself about him, though. It'd explain why you let him stick around even while knowing he was a jackass.
He also recognized there wasn't any actual weight to that way of thinking. If anything, the times where your feelings felt so real outweighed those paranoid thoughts of his. Sometimes he'd catch you looking at him. The sweet honey dripping from your eyes at him doing fuck all felt so raw that he'd panic and have to leave for a while.
Whenever you smiled at him, even the soft little ones, you beamed bright enough to burn him to cinders if he let it. Lately, he had found himself simmering under your heat longer and longer, letting himself get singed by you.
Seeing you fidget with the hem of your top snapped him out of his thoughts. You were still in your underwear and it reminded him that he'd burned you. Not with the heat of patience and kindness that you regularly thawed him with, but with flames full of his own agonizingly self-sabotaging wrath.
"I won't lie," you repeated after taking a couple seconds to gather your thoughts. "I'll probably always think about what you said."
He already knew it yet it still made him hate himself more.
"The same way you'll probably always think about it, too."
You sweet, merciful, stupid fucking angel.
"Stop."
"No. You need to hear this."
"Just fucking stop."
"Don't interrupt me, Touya."
He glared at you in irritation as he clenched and unclenched his hands in an attempt to keep himself grounded. Mentally and literally. If he ran away now, you wouldn't be able to share your thoughts. He owed you that and so much more.
"It's something that effected the both of us and it'll change the way we are, but we don't have to let it change us in a bad way. We can use our hurt to help us grow." You said while looking at him with eyes full of hope. "We won't forget it happened and we shouldn't."
"We-- you--," he stammered. He could see the patience in your face and logic, feel the tender touch of your words. He was concurrently immolated by your steadfast mercy and by his venomous wrath. "We need to end this before you get hurt again."
"'Before I get hurt again'? I am going to get hurt again. By you, myself, or some other thing. It's what happens as we live and grow. The difference is learning from it. This is our 'before', and if you let us, we can work on moving on towards our 'after'."
"You know how ridiculously optimistic that sounds, right? Stupidly sappy, too. You really think it's as simple as that?"
"Can I hold your hand?"
He blinked in confusion at the randomness of the question but gave a small nod. You took ahold of it with both of your own.
"We both know it won't be simple. We both have baggage and hurt we'd need to address if we want to be something. It's going to be really hard, but if you stay I know that we'll both put in the work to reach our 'after' and every 'after' after that."
He stayed silent as he took in her words. You really saw--
"--Lots of 'after's, huh?" He quietly spoke as he tried to drown out his nerves with a teasing tone.
He looked at you with hopeful eyes that brought a small smile to your face.
"Lots of 'after's. I am your ice cream sitting in the freezer, remember?"
He'd scoff if he hadn't just gotten the wind knocked from his lungs.
You raise his hand to your lips before pressing a little kiss on the scars on the back of his hand before tugging it gently so he'd follow you to sit back down on the couch.
"I'm not eating freezer burnt ice cream."
"Hey! That's so mean…" you pouted. "And wasteful. You're way too picky of an eater, no wonder you're always grumpy."
"I'm fucking with you."
"Oh, I know. I'm fucking with you, too."
"Sadist..." He affectionately played with the shell of your ear while resting his cheek on your head. The gesture filled her with elation as they sat in comfortable silence.
"Look, I'm..." he started, struggling with his words.
"I know."
"I shouldn't-- I shouldn't have said those things earlier."
"I know."
"You didn't deserve it," his voice was softer.
"I know," you wrapped your arms around his firm torso, squeezing a little tighter.
"You're clingy. What're you thinking? Don't skimp out on me again, I wanna hear all the ugly shit, too." He lightly pinched at your cheek, "This shit ain't gonna work if it's one-sided. Start talking."
You smiled as he pressed his lips to your forehead.
"Okay, Touya."
#dabi x reader#touya x reader#dabi#todoroki touya#touya todoroki#dabi x y/n#dabi x you#toya x reader#i always feel bad for tagging him properly even on my main account so sorry to the ppl who dont wanna see this T.T#happy dabi day i fininished this 20mins b4 it ended i love having adhd and dying#i seriously couldn'tstart writing anything for him until the day before#let me know if it sucks my brain fog was bad with this one#it is so rushed i am sorry#spookyxsprinkles#edit feb 17 2024: edited this so hard and i'll do it again over the summer probably#i'm supposed to be taking a 1 week break from writing so i don't burn myself out and yet.....!
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Holy shit, the New York Times is FINALLY interviewing and listening to detransistioners.
The tide is turning.
Opinion by Pamela Paul
As Kids, They Thought They Were Trans. They No Longer Do.
Feb. 2, 2024
Grace Powell was 12 or 13 when she discovered she could be a boy.
Growing up in a relatively conservative community in Grand Rapids, Mich., Powell, like many teenagers, didn’t feel comfortable in her own skin. She was unpopular and frequently bullied. Puberty made everything worse. She suffered from depression and was in and out of therapy.
“I felt so detached from my body, and the way it was developing felt hostile to me,” Powell told me. It was classic gender dysphoria, a feeling of discomfort with your sex.
Reading about transgender people online, Powell believed that the reason she didn’t feel comfortable in her body was that she was in the wrong body. Transitioning seemed like the obvious solution. The narrative she had heard and absorbed was that if you don’t transition, you’ll kill yourself.
At 17, desperate to begin hormone therapy, Powell broke the news to her parents. They sent her to a gender specialist to make sure she was serious. In the fall of her senior year of high school, she started cross-sex hormones. She had a double mastectomy the summer before college, then went off as a transgender man named Grayson to Sarah Lawrence College, where she was paired with a male roommate on a men’s floor. At 5-foot-3, she felt she came across as a very effeminate gay man.
At no point during her medical or surgical transition, Powell says, did anyone ask her about the reasons behind her gender dysphoria or her depression. At no point was she asked about her sexual orientation. And at no point was she asked about any previous trauma, and so neither the therapists nor the doctors ever learned that she’d been sexually abused as a child.
“I wish there had been more open conversations,” Powell, now 23 and detransitioned, told me. “But I was told there is one cure and one thing to do if this is your problem, and this will help you.”
Progressives often portray the heated debate over childhood transgender care as a clash between those who are trying to help growing numbers of children express what they believe their genders to be and conservative politicians who won’t let kids be themselves.
But right-wing demagogues are not the only ones who have inflamed this debate. Transgender activists have pushed their own ideological extremism, especially by pressing for a treatment orthodoxy that has faced increased scrutiny in recent years. Under that model of care, clinicians are expected to affirm a young person’s assertion of gender identity and even provide medical treatment before, or even without, exploring other possible sources of distress.
Many who think there needs to be a more cautious approach — including well-meaning liberal parents, doctors and people who have undergone gender transition and subsequently regretted their procedures — have been attacked as anti-trans and intimidated into silencing their concerns.
And while Donald Trump denounces “left-wing gender insanity” and many trans activists describe any opposition as transphobic, parents in America’s vast ideological middle can find little dispassionate discussion of the genuine risks or trade-offs involved in what proponents call gender-affirming care.
Powell’s story shows how easy it is for young people to get caught up by the pull of ideology in this atmosphere.
“What should be a medical and psychological issue has been morphed into a political one,” Powell lamented during our conversation. “It’s a mess.”
A New and Growing Group of Patients
Many transgender adults are happy with their transitions and, whether they began to transition as adults or adolescents, feel it was life changing, even lifesaving. The small but rapidly growing number of children who express gender dysphoria and who transition at an early age, according to clinicians, is a recent and more controversial phenomenon.
Laura Edwards-Leeper, the founding psychologist of the first pediatric gender clinic in the United States, said that when she started her practice in 2007, most of her patients had longstanding and deep-seated gender dysphoria. Transitioning clearly made sense for almost all of them, and any mental health issues they had were generally resolved through gender transition.
“But that is just not the case anymore,” she told me recently. While she doesn’t regret transitioning the earlier cohort of patients and opposes government bans on transgender medical care, she said, “As far as I can tell, there are no professional organizations who are stepping in to regulate what’s going on.”
Most of her patients now, she said, have no history of childhood gender dysphoria. Others refer to this phenomenon, with some controversy, as rapid onset gender dysphoria, in which adolescents, particularly tween and teenage girls, express gender dysphoria despite never having done so when they were younger. Frequently, they have mental health issues unrelated to gender. While professional associations say there is a lack of quality research on rapid onset gender dysphoria, several researchers have documented the phenomenon, and many health care providers have seen evidence of it in their practices.
“The population has changed drastically,” said Edwards-Leeper, a former head of the Child and Adolescent Committee for the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, the organization responsible for setting gender transition guidelines for medical professionals.
For these young people, she told me, “you have to take time to really assess what’s going on and hear the timeline and get the parents’ perspective in order to create an individualized treatment plan. Many providers are completely missing that step.”
Yet those health care professionals and scientists who do not think clinicians should automatically agree to a young person’s self-diagnosis are often afraid to speak out. A report commissioned by the National Health Service about Britain’s Tavistock gender clinic, which, until it was ordered to be shut down, was the country’s only health center dedicated to gender identity, noted that “primary and secondary care staff have told us that they feel under pressure to adopt an unquestioning affirmative approach and that this is at odds with the standard process of clinical assessment and diagnosis that they have been trained to undertake in all other clinical encounters.”
Of the dozens of students she’s trained as psychologists, Edwards-Leeper said, few still seem to be providing gender-related care. While her students have left the field for various reasons, “some have told me that they didn’t feel they could continue because of the pushback, the accusations of being transphobic, from being pro-assessment and wanting a more thorough process,” she said.
They have good reasons to be wary. Stephanie Winn, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Oregon, was trained in gender-affirming care and treated multiple transgender patients. But in 2020, after coming across detransition videos online, she began to doubt the gender-affirming model. In 2021 she spoke out in favor of approaching gender dysphoria in a more considered way, urging others in the field to pay attention to detransitioners, people who no longer consider themselves transgender after undergoing medical or surgical interventions. She has since been attacked by transgender activists. Some threatened to send complaints to her licensing board saying that she was trying to make trans kids change their minds through conversion therapy.
In April 2022, the Oregon Board of Licensed Professional Counselors and Therapists told Winn that she was under investigation. Her case was ultimately dismissed, but Winn no longer treats minors and practices only online, where many of her patients are worried parents of trans-identifying children.
“I don’t feel safe having a location where people can find me,” she said.
Detransitioners say that only conservative media outlets seem interested in telling their stories, which has left them open to attacks as hapless tools of the right, something that frustrated and dismayed every detransitioner I interviewed. These are people who were once the trans-identified kids that so many organizations say they’re trying to protect — but when they change their minds, they say, they feel abandoned.
Most parents and clinicians are simply trying to do what they think is best for the children involved. But parents with qualms about the current model of care are frustrated by what they see as a lack of options.
Parents told me it was a struggle to balance the desire to compassionately support a child with gender dysphoria while seeking the best psychological and medical care. Many believed their kids were gay or dealing with an array of complicated issues. But all said they felt compelled by gender clinicians, doctors, schools and social pressure to accede to their child’s declared gender identity even if they had serious doubts. They feared it would tear apart their family if they didn’t unquestioningly support social transition and medical treatment. All asked to speak anonymously, so desperate were they to maintain or repair any relationship with their children, some of whom were currently estranged.
Several of those who questioned their child’s self-diagnosis told me it had ruined their relationship. A few parents said simply, “I feel like I’ve lost my daughter.”
One mother described a meeting with 12 other parents in a support group for relatives of trans-identified youth where all of the participants described their children as autistic or otherwise neurodivergent. To all questions, the woman running the meeting replied, “Just let them transition.” The mother left in shock. How would hormones help a child with obsessive-compulsive disorder or depression? she wondered.
Some parents have found refuge in anonymous online support groups. There, people share tips on finding caregivers who will explore the causes of their children’s distress or tend to their overall emotional and developmental health and well-being without automatically acceding to their children’s self-diagnosis.
Many parents of kids who consider themselves trans say their children were introduced to transgender influencers on YouTube or TikTok, a phenomenon intensified for some by the isolation and online cocoon of Covid. Others say their kids learned these ideas in the classroom, as early as elementary school, often in child-friendly ways through curriculums supplied by trans rights organizations, with concepts like the gender unicorn or the Genderbread person.
‘Do You Want a Dead Son or a Live Daughter?’
After Kathleen’s 15-year-old son, whom she described as an obsessive child, abruptly told his parents he was trans, the doctor who was going to assess whether he had A.D.H.D. referred him instead to someone who specialized in both A.D.H.D. and gender. Kathleen, who asked to be identified only by her first name to protect her son’s privacy, assumed that the specialist would do some kind of evaluation or assessment. That was not the case.
The meeting was brief and began on a shocking note. “In front of my son, the therapist said, ‘Do you want a dead son or a live daughter?’” Kathleen recounted.
Parents are routinely warned that to pursue any path outside of agreeing with a child’s self-declared gender identity is to put a gender dysphoric youth at risk for suicide, which feels to many people like emotional blackmail. Proponents of the gender-affirming model have cited studies showing an association between that standard of care and a lower risk of suicide. But those studies were found to have methodological flaws or have been deemed not entirely conclusive. A survey of studies on the psychological effects of cross-sex hormones, published three years ago in The Journal of the Endocrine Society, the professional organization for hormone specialists, found it “could not draw any conclusions about death by suicide.” In a letter to The Wall Street Journal last year, 21 experts from nine countries said that survey was one reason they believed there was “no reliable evidence to suggest that hormonal transition is an effective suicide prevention measure.”
Moreover, the incidence of suicidal thoughts and attempts among gender dysphoric youth is complicated by the high incidence of accompanying conditions, such as autism spectrum disorder. As one systematic overview put it, “Children with gender dysphoria often experience a range of psychiatric comorbidities, with a high prevalence of mood and anxiety disorders, trauma, eating disorders and autism spectrum conditions, suicidality and self-harm.”
But rather than being treated as patients who deserve unbiased professional help, children with gender dysphoria often become political pawns.
Conservative lawmakers are working to ban access to gender care for minors and occasionally for adults as well. On the other side, however, many medical and mental health practitioners feel their hands have been tied by activist pressure and organizational capture. They say that it has become difficult to practice responsible mental health care or medicine for these young people.
Pediatricians, psychologists and other clinicians who dissent from this orthodoxy, believing that it is not based on reliable evidence, feel frustrated by their professional organizations. The American Psychological Association, American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics have wholeheartedly backed the gender-affirming model.
In 2021, Aaron Kimberly, a 50-year-old trans man and registered nurse, left the clinic in British Columbia where his job focused on the intake and assessment of gender-dysphoric youth. Kimberly received a comprehensive screening when he embarked on his own successful transition at age 33, which resolved the gender dysphoria he experienced from an early age.
But when the gender-affirming model was introduced at his clinic, he was instructed to support the initiation of hormone treatment for incoming patients regardless of whether they had complex mental problems, experiences with trauma or were otherwise “severely unwell,” Kimberly said. When he referred patients for further mental health care rather than immediate hormone treatment, he said he was accused of what they called gatekeeping and had to change jobs.
“I realized something had gone totally off the rails,” Kimberly, who subsequently founded the Gender Dysphoria Alliance and the L.G.B.T. Courage Coalition to advocate better gender care, told me.
Gay men and women often told me they fear that same-sex-attracted kids, especially effeminate boys and tomboy girls who are gender nonconforming, will be transitioned during a normal phase of childhood and before sexual maturation — and that gender ideology can mask and even abet homophobia.
As one detransitioned man, now in a gay relationship, put it, “I was a gay man pumped up to look like a woman and dated a lesbian who was pumped up to look like a man. If that’s not conversion therapy, I don’t know what is.”
“I transitioned because I didn’t want to be gay,” Kasey Emerick, a 23-year-old woman and detransitioner from Pennsylvania, told me. Raised in a conservative Christian church, she said, “I believed homosexuality was a sin.”
When she was 15, Emerick confessed her homosexuality to her mother. Her mother attributed her sexual orientation to trauma — Emerick’s father was convicted of raping and assaulting her repeatedly when she was between the ages of 4 and 7 — but after catching Emerick texting with another girl at age 16, she took away her phone. When Emerick melted down, her mother admitted her to a psychiatric hospital. While there, Emerick told herself, “If I was a boy, none of this would have happened.”
In May 2017, Emerick began searching “gender” online and encountered trans advocacy websites. After realizing she could “pick the other side,” she told her mother, “I’m sick of being called a dyke and not a real girl.” If she were a man, she’d be free to pursue relationships with women.
That September, she and her mother met with a licensed professional counselor for the first of two 90-minute consultations. She told the counselor that she had wished to be a Boy Scout rather than a Girl Scout. She said she didn’t like being gay or a butch lesbian. She also told the counselor that she had suffered from anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. The clinic recommended testosterone, which was prescribed by a nearby L.G.B.T.Q. health clinic. Shortly thereafter, she was also diagnosed with A.D.H.D. She developed panic attacks. At age 17, she was cleared for a double mastectomy.
“I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m having my breasts removed. I’m 17. I’m too young for this,’” she recalled. But she went ahead with the operation.
“Transition felt like a way to control something when I couldn’t control anything in my life,” Emerick explained. But after living as a trans man for five years, Emerick realized her mental health symptoms were only getting worse. In the fall of 2022, she came out as a detransitioner on Twitter and was immediately attacked. Transgender influencers told her she was bald and ugly. She received multiple threats.
“I thought my life was over,” she said. “I realized that I had lived a lie for over five years.”
Today Emerick’s voice, permanently altered by testosterone, is that of a man. When she tells people she’s a detransitioner, they ask when she plans to stop taking T and live as a woman. “I’ve been off it for a year,” she replies.
Once, after she recounted her story to a therapist, the therapist tried to reassure her. If it’s any consolation, the therapist remarked, “I would never have guessed that you were once a trans woman.” Emerick replied, “Wait, what sex do you think I am?”
To the trans activist dictum that children know their gender best, it is important to add something all parents know from experience: Children change their minds all the time. One mother told me that after her teenage son desisted — pulled back from a trans identity before any irreversible medical procedures — he explained, “I was just rebelling. I look at it like a subculture, like being goth.”
“The job of children and adolescents is to experiment and explore where they fit into the world, and a big part of that exploration, especially during adolescence, is around their sense of identity,” Sasha Ayad, a licensed professional counselor based in Phoenix, told me. “Children at that age often present with a great deal of certainty and urgency about who they believe they are at the time and things they would like to do in order to enact that sense of identity.”
Ayad, a co-author of “When Kids Say They’re Trans: A Guide for Thoughtful Parents,” advises parents to be wary of the gender affirmation model. “We’ve always known that adolescents are particularly malleable in relationship to their peers and their social context and that exploration is often an attempt to navigate difficulties of that stage, such as puberty, coming to terms with the responsibilities and complications of young adulthood, romance and solidifying their sexual orientation,” she told me. For providing this kind of exploratory approach in her own practice with gender dysphoric youth, Ayad has had her license challenged twice, both times by adults who were not her patients. Both times, the charges were dismissed.
Studies show that around eight in 10 cases of childhood gender dysphoria resolve themselves by puberty and 30 percent of people on hormone therapy discontinue its use within four years, though the effects, including infertility, are often irreversible.
Proponents of early social transition and medical interventions for gender dysphoric youth cite a 2022 study showing that 98 percent of children who took both puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones continued treatment for short periods, and another study that tracked 317 children who socially transitioned between the ages of 3 and 12, which found that 94 percent of them still identified as transgender five years later. But such early interventions may cement children’s self-conceptions without giving them time to think or sexually mature.
‘The Process of Transition Didn’t Make Me Feel Better’
At the end of her freshman year of college, Grace Powell, horrifically depressed, began dissociating, feeling detached from her body and from reality, which had never happened to her before. Ultimately, she said, “the process of transition didn’t make me feel better. It magnified what I found was wrong with myself.”
“I expected it to change everything, but I was just me, with a slightly deeper voice,” she added. “It took me two years to start detransitioning and living as Grace again.”
She tried in vain to find a therapist who would treat her underlying issues, but they kept asking her: How do you want to be seen? Do you want to be nonbinary? Powell wanted to talk about her trauma, not her identity or her gender presentation. She ended up getting online therapy from a former employee of the Tavistock clinic in Britain. This therapist, a woman who has broken from the gender-affirming model, talked Grace through what she sees as her failure to launch and her efforts to reset. The therapist asked questions like: Who is Grace? What do you want from your life? For the first time, Powell felt someone was seeing and helping her as a person, not simply looking to slot her into an identity category.
Many detransitioners say they face ostracism and silencing because of the toxic politics around transgender issues.
“It is extraordinarily frustrating to feel that something I am is inherently political,” Powell told me. “I’ve been accused multiple times that I’m some right-winger who’s making a fake narrative to discredit transgender people, which is just crazy.”
While she believes there are people who benefit from transitioning, “I wish more people would understand that there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution,” she said. “I wish we could have that conversation.”
In a recent study in The Archives of Sexual Behavior, about 40 young detransitioners out of 78 surveyed said they had suffered from rapid onset gender dysphoria. Trans activists have fought hard to suppress any discussion of rapid onset gender dysphoria, despite evidence that the condition is real. In its guide for journalists, the activist organization GLAAD warns the media against using the term, as it is not “a formal condition or diagnosis.” Human Rights Campaign, another activist group, calls it “a right-wing theory.” A group of professional organizations put out a statement urging clinicians to eliminate the term from use.
Nobody knows how many young people desist after social, medical or surgical transitions. Trans activists often cite low regret rates for gender transition, along with low figures for detransition. But those studies, which often rely on self-reported cases to gender clinics, likely understate the actual numbers. None of the seven detransitioners I interviewed, for instance, even considered reporting back to the gender clinics that prescribed them medication they now consider to have been a mistake. Nor did they know any other detransitioners who had done so.
As Americans furiously debate the basis of transgender care, a number of advances in understanding have taken place in Europe, where the early Dutch studies that became the underpinning of gender-affirming care have been broadly questioned and criticized. Unlike some of the current population of gender dysphoric youth, the Dutch study participants had no serious psychological conditions. Those studies were riddled with methodological flaws and weaknesses. There was no evidence that any intervention was lifesaving. There was no long-term follow-up with any of the study’s 55 participants or the 15 who dropped out. A British effort to replicate the study said that it “identified no changes in psychological function” and that more studies were needed.
In countries like Sweden, Norway, France, the Netherlands and Britain — long considered exemplars of gender progress — medical professionals have recognized that early research on medical interventions for childhood gender dysphoria was either faulty or incomplete. Last month, the World Health Organization, in explaining why it is developing “a guideline on the health of trans and gender diverse people,” said it will cover only adults because “the evidence base for children and adolescents is limited and variable regarding the longer-term outcomes of gender-affirming care for children and adolescents.”
But in America, and Canada, the results of those widely criticized Dutch studies are falsely presented to the public as settled science.
Other countries have recently halted or limited the medical and surgical treatment of gender dysphoric youth, pending further study. Britain’s Tavistock clinic was ordered to be shut down next month, after a National Health Service-commissioned investigation found deficiencies in service and “a lack of consensus and open discussion about the nature of gender dysphoria and therefore about the appropriate clinical response.”
Meanwhile, the American medical establishment has hunkered down, stuck in an outdated model of gender affirmation. The American Academy of Pediatrics only recently agreed to conduct more research in response to yearslong efforts by dissenting experts, including Dr. Julia Mason, a self-described “bleeding-heart liberal.”
The larger threat to transgender people comes from Republicans who wish to deny them rights and protections. But the doctrinal rigidity of the progressive wing of the Democratic Party is disappointing, frustrating and counterproductive.
“I was always a liberal Democrat,” one woman whose son desisted after social transition and hormone therapy told me. “Now I feel politically homeless.”
She noted that the Biden administration has “unequivocally” supported gender-affirming care for minors, in cases in which it deems it “medically appropriate and necessary.” Rachel Levine, the assistant secretary for health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, told NPR in 2022 that “there is no argument among medical professionals — pediatricians, pediatric endocrinologists, adolescent medicine physicians, adolescent psychiatrists, psychologists, et cetera — about the value and the importance of gender-affirming care.”
Of course, politics should not influence medical practice, whether the issue is birth control, abortion or gender medicine. But unfortunately, politics has gotten in the way of progress. Last year The Economist published a thorough investigation into America’s approach to gender medicine. Zanny Minton Beddoes, the editor, put the issue into political context. “If you look internationally at countries in Europe, the U.K. included, their medical establishments are much more concerned,” Beddoes told Vanity Fair. “But here — in part because this has become wrapped up in the culture wars where you have, you know, crazy extremes from the Republican right — if you want to be an upstanding liberal, you feel like you can’t say anything.”
Some people are trying to open up that dialogue, or at least provide outlets for kids and families to seek a more therapeutic approach to gender dysphoria.
Paul Garcia-Ryan is a psychotherapist in New York who cares for kids and families seeking holistic, exploratory care for gender dysphoria. He is also a detransitioner who from ages 15 to 30 fully believed he was a woman.
Garcia-Ryan is gay, but as a boy, he said, “it was much less threatening to my psyche to think that I was a straight girl born into the wrong body — that I had a medical condition that could be tended to.” When he visited a clinic at 15, the clinician immediately affirmed he was female, and rather than explore the reasons for his mental distress, simply confirmed Garcia-Ryan’s belief that he was not meant to be a man.
Once in college, he began medically transitioning and eventually had surgery on his genitals. Severe medical complications from both the surgery and hormone medication led him to reconsider what he had done, and to detransition. He also reconsidered the basis of gender affirmation, which, as a licensed clinical social worker at a gender clinic, he had been trained in and provided to clients.
“You’re made to believe these slogans,” he said. “Evidence-based, lifesaving care, safe and effective, medically necessary, the science is settled — and none of that is evidence based.”
Garcia-Ryan, 32, is now the board president of Therapy First, an organization that supports therapists who do not agree with the gender affirmation model. He thinks transition can help some people manage the symptoms of gender dysphoria but no longer believes anyone under 25 should socially, medically or surgically transition without exploratory psychotherapy first.
“When a professional affirms a gender identity for a younger person, what they are doing is implementing a psychological intervention that narrows a person’s sense of self and closes off their options for considering what’s possible for them,” Garcia-Ryan told me.
Instead of promoting unproven treatments for children, which surveys show many Americans are uncomfortable with, transgender activists would be more effective if they focused on a shared agenda. Most Americans across the political spectrum can agree on the need for legal protections for transgender adults. They would also probably support additional research on the needs of young people reporting gender dysphoria so that kids could get the best treatment possible.
A shift in this direction would model tolerance and acceptance. It would prioritize compassion over demonization. It would require rising above culture-war politics and returning to reason. It would be the most humane path forward. And it would be the right thing to do.
*~*~*~*~*~*
For those who want tor ead more by those fighting the cancellation forquestioning, read:
Graham Lineham, who's been fighting since the beginning and paid the price, but is not seeing things turn around.
The Glinner Update, Grahan Linehan's Substack.
Kellie-Jay Keen @ThePosieParker, who's been physically attacked for organizing events for women demanding women-only spaces.
REDUXX, Feminst news & opinion.
Gays Against Groomers @againstgrmrs, A nonprofit of gay people and others within the community against the sexualization, indoctrination and medicalization of children under the guise of "LGBTQIA+"
#detransitioners#detransition#gender critical#New York Times#gays#lesbians#trans#trans insanity#long post#article#detrans#transgender#post trans#desisted
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choi seungcheol must die masterlist
📌synopsis: Mingyu wasn't the one with his heart broken. It was his little sister. And Seokmin's older sister. And Chan's best friend. Choi Seungcheol is a menace to society and needs to be put down. Immediately. The sure fire way to do it is to give him a taste of his own medicine: break his heart.
📌pairing: fem!reader x ??? (seungcheol, mingyu, seokmin, chan)
📌genre: slight angst, romance, humor, eventual smut
📌series tags: 18+ only, SMAU, inspired by “John tucker must die”, John tucker!seungcheol, college au, revenge fic, tags will vary from chapter
📌status: COMPLETED WITH BONUSES TO COME
📌started: oct 6th, 2023 - feb 18, 2024
📌Tag list: please reply to this post, send an ask, or dm to get updated
Profiles #1, #2, #3
Act I :
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
Act II :
11 | 12 | 13+bonus written scene | 14+bonus written scene | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25
Act III
26 | 27 | 28 | 29 written scene | 30+bonus written scene(18+) | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37
Epilogue
Bonus:
#seventeen smau#svt#seventeen#seventeen x you#seventeen x reader#seventeen x y/n#choi seungcheol#kim mingyu#lee seokmin#lee chan#scoups#dokyeom#lee dokyeom#seventeen dino#seventeen scoups#seventeen mingyu#seventeen scenarios#plc.smaus💕#nana writes
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♥ TSR DOWNLOAD LIST ♥ (FEB,2024)
(1-BD1184) // (2-BD1185) // (3-BD1186) // (4-BD1187) //
(5-BD1188) // (6-BD1189) // (7-BD1190) // (8-BD1191) //
(9-BD1192) // (10-BD1193) // (11-BD1194) // (12-BD1195) //
(13-BD1196) // (14-BD1197) // (15-BD1198) // (16-BD1199) //
(17-BD1200) // (18-BD1201) // (19-BD1202) // (20-BD1203) //
(21-BD1204) // (22-BD205) // (23-BD1206) // (24-BD1207) //
(25-BD1208) // (26-BD1209) // (27-BD1210) // (28-BD1211) //
(29-BD1212) // (30-BD1213)
#the sims 4#the sims 4 custom content#the sims 4 custom content finds#busra-tr#ts4 cc finds#ts4#the sims resource#ts4 cc download#the sims#ts4 cc free#the sims 4 cas#the sims 4 screenshots#the sims 4 download#my sims#ts4 simblr#sims 4#sims community#ts4 cas#ts4 house#ts4 cc#ts4 c#ts4 screenshots#ts4 gameplay#ts4 legacy#ts4 story#sims#patreon#ea#3d#3d mesh
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