#HOW ELSE am I supposed to read that that’s just Text babey

[misnomera]

On racial stereotyping of the Haans in TMA...

Right so as someone who is ethnically Chinese I have NO FUCKING clue how I didn’t notice this more distinctly in my initial binge of tma (going too fast and not paying closer attention to character names and descriptions, probably) but the Haan family storyline is, all horror elements aside, pretty fucked up in terms of racial representation re: stereotyping. This got long as hell, but please please please take a moment to read through if you’ve got time for it. thanks.

To start off, the Haans are one of the few characters in tma with an explicitly specified race and ethnicity—Chinese—and pretty much the only explicitly Chinese characters in tma, other than the mostly unimportant librarian (Zhang Xiaoling) from Beijing. But like, Haan isn’t even a properly Chinese surname, at least not in the way that it’s spelled in canon (it should be Han, one a. A quick google search tells me that Haan as a surname has...Dutch origins??).

Of course, that could be chalked up to shoddy anglicization processes within family histories, which certainly isn’t uncommon with immigrant families, so I’m not going to dwell on names too much (although I also find it interesting that John Haan’s name is so specifically and weirdly anglicized that he changed his own surname?? Hun Yung to John Haan is a very big leap of a name change and frankly not very believable. ANYWAY, this is not that important. I don’t expect Jonny, a white Englishman, to come up with perfectly unquestionable non-Cho-Chang-like Chinese names, though it certainly would be nice. Moving on).

What really bothers me about the Haans is how they almost exclusively and explicitly play into negative Chinese immigrant stereotypes. I don’t even feel like I need to say it because it’s like...it’s literally Right There, folks. John Haan (in ep 72) owns and operates a sketchy takeout restaurant. They’re all avatars of the Flesh—and John Haan is Specifically horrific and terrifying because he cooked his wife’s human meat and fed it to his unknowing customers. Does that remind you of any stereotypes which accuse Chinese people of consuming societally unacceptable and ethically questionable things like dog/cat/bat meat (which, if it’s not already crystal fucking clear, we don’t. do that.), which in turn characterize us as horrible unfeeling monsters? John Haan’s characterization feeds (haha, badum tss) directly into this harmful stereotype that have caused very real pain for Chinese people and East Asians in general. 

And Jonny does nothing to address that from within his writing (and not out of it either). And, speaking on a more meta level, Jonny could’ve easily had these flesh avatars be individuals of any race (like, what’s Jared Hopworth’s ethnicity? Do we know? No? Well then). Conversely, he could’ve easily, easily had a Chinese person be an avatar of any other entity. So why did he have to chose specifically the Flesh?

(This is a rhetorical question. You know why. Racial stereotyping and invoking a fear of the other in an attempt to enhance horror, babey~)

On Tom Haan’s side, Jonny seems weirdly intent on having other characters repeatedly comment on his accent (or rather, lack thereof) in relation to his race. Think about how, in ep 30 (killing floor), the fact that Tom Haan had spoken a line to the statement giver in “perfect English” was an emphasized beat in that statement, and a beat that was supposed to be “chilling” and meant to signify to us that something was, quote-unquote, “not right” with Tom Haan. Implicitly, that’s saying that it was unexpected, not “normal”, and in this case even eerie, for someone who looks Chinese to have spoken in fluid, unbroken English. Mind you, the line itself was perfectly scary on its own (“you cannot stop the slaughter by closing the door”), so why did Jonny feel the need to note the accent in which it was spoken in? Why did Jonny HAVE to have that statement giver note, that he initially “wasn’t even sure how much English [Haan] spoke”? 

This happens again in episode 72 with a Chinese man (and again, his ethnicity is Explicitly Noted) who we assume is also Tom Haan. This one is rather ironically funny and kind of painfully self aware, because the statement giver expresses surprise at Haan’s “crisp RP accent” and then immediately “felt bad about making the assumption that he couldn’t speak English,” and subsequently admitted that thought was “low-key racist.” Like, from a writing perspective, this entire passage is roundabout, pointless, and says absolutely nothing helpful to enhance the horror genre experience for listeners (instead it just sounded like some sort of half-assed excuse so Jonny or other listeners could say “look! We’ve addressed the racism!” You didn’t. It just made me vaguely uncomfortable). And again, having other people comment on our accents/lack thereof while assuming we are foreign is a Very Real microaggression that east asians face on the daily. If Jonny needed some filler sentences for pacing he could’ve written about Literally anything else. So why point out, yet again, that the crazy murderous man was foreign and Chinese? 

At this point, you might say, right, but yknow, it was just that the statement givers were kind of racist! It happens! Yeah sure, ok, that’s a passable in-universe explanation for descriptions of Tom Haan (though not John Haan, mind you), but the statement givers are fake made up people, and statement’s still written by Jonny, who absolutely has all the power to write overt discrimination out of his stories. And he does! Think about just how many minor (and major!!) characters are so, so carefully written as completely aracial, and do not have their ethnicity implicated at all in whatever horrors they may or may not be committing. Think about how many lgbtq+ characters have given statements, and have been in statements, without having faced direct forms of discrimination, or portrayed as embodying blatant stereotypes in their stories (though lgbtq+ rep in tma certainly has their own issues that I won’t go into here). Jonny can clearly write characters this way, and he can do it well. So why, why, am I being constantly, repeatedly reminded in-text of the fact that the Haans are East Asian, that they’re from China, that they’re Chinese immigrants, that they’re second-generation British Chinese or whatever the fuck, and that they’re also horrifying conduits for blood, gore, and general fucked-up-ness? It’s absolutely not something that is Needed for the stories to be an effective piece of horror; the only thing it does is perpetuate incredibly harmful and hurtful stereotypes.

And listen, I love tma to bits. It’s taken over my blog. I’ve really loved my interactions with the fandom. And I am consistently blown away by Jonny’s writing and how well he’s able to weave foreshadowing and plot into an incredibly complex collection of stories. But I absolutely Cannot stop thinking about the Haans because it’s just. It’s such a blatant display of racial stereotyping in writing. And I’ve certainly seen a few voices talking about it here and there, and I don’t know if I’m just not looking in the right places, but it certainly feels like something that is just straight up not on the radar for a lot of tma fans. And I’m disappointed about that. 

Just, I don’t know. Take a look at those episodes again and do some of your own thinking about why these characters had to be specifically Chinese (answer: they didn’t.). And in general, PLEASE for the love of god turn a critical eye on character portrayals and descriptions whenever they are assigned specific races/ethnicities (Some examples that come to mind are Jude Perry, Annabelle Cane, and Diego Molina), because similar issues, to an extent, extend beyond the Haans, though I haven’t covered them here. 

You shouldn’t need a POC to do point out these problems for you when they’re so glaringly There. But for those of you who really didn’t know, hope this was informative in some way. I’m tired, man. If some of the only significant Chinese characters you write are violent cannibalistic men with a perverted relationship with meat, just don’t do it. Please don’t do it. 

EDIT: Since the making of this post Jonny has acknowledged and apologized for these portrayals on his twitter and in the Rusty Quill Operations Update, which went up September 2020. A long time coming, but better late than never. This of course doesn’t necessarily negate the harm done by Jonny’s writing, and doesn’t make me much less angry about it, but is appreciated nonetheless. For more on this topic there’s a lot of productive discussions happening in my “#tma crit” tag and in the notes of this post

#tma #the magnus archives #magnuspod #tma 30 #tma 72 #tma crit #racism #sinophobia #racist stereotyping #tw cannibalism #tw violence #long post #tom haan #john haan

[cinnaminsvga]

🌸 social media au where y/n posts a fake boyfriend application on twitter as a dare but ends up seeking something real in the long run (aka how to fall in love the zillennial way) 🌸

A/N: I know I said this update wouldn’t be written, but I decided to fix the little drabble I already had written and... It’s not as bad as I thought and now I’m moderately happy with it. Anyway... We’re entering angst city babey so please put on your seatbelts because we are SOARING! || W.C. 1.8K

prev // part 18 of ? // next masterlist here.

[updates every 6PM PST]

After sending his last text to you, Namjoon is only slightly surprised when he sees your caller ID flashing on his phone screen. When he looks at the time, he notices that it had taken you less than a minute for you to call him, no doubt ready to scream your head off at his outrageous suggestion. Admittedly, he knows that his idea might be a little outside of your comfort zone, but he believes you can do it. If his people reading skills are even remotely average, then he’s sure that it’ll work if you just—

“KIM NAMJOON! HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT CONCLUSION?” Your voice is loud enough to burst an eardrum, but luckily, Namjoon had already expected your volume and had held his phone an arm away. In his nine-ish days of knowing you, he’s somewhat accustomed to your theatrics, though you’re still no match for Hoseok’s excited shrieks.

“Hello Y/N,” Namjoon hums, sitting up groggily from his bed. It’s a bit too early to go to sleep, but he supposes that your panicked screams are going to keep him up a little bit longer. “I feel as though you’re overreacting a little.”

“A little?” You scoff loudly, and Namjoon can imagine you pacing circles in your room. You did always seem a little fidgety when you two went out together. “Namjoon, you can’t just expect me to go on a date with Jungkook—“

“Why not? You guys go out all the time, don’t you?” Namjoon points out, smiling slightly at your exasperated huffs.

“Well, that’s different! Those were platonic hangouts! Just bros being bros!”

“Then change the context a little bit. You don’t have to ask him to be your boyfriend just to go on a date.”

“Namjoon, I know you’re a smart man but I don’t think your math skills are all that great,” you say brusquely. “That doesn’t add up! If I ask him on a date, then he’ll know I’m into him and—“

“And that’s a bad thing?” Namjoon interrupts, raising a brow. “Y/N, we both know you’re being a little unreasonable right now.”

You splutter for a moment, but you find that you’re unable to retort. Namjoon smirks, continuing, “Y/N, I know you’re worried that Jungkook might get swept away now that he’s quote-unquote ‘single.’ I get it. But if you’re not going do anything about it and suffer in silence, then he’s definitely going to leave. Besides, I already told you that he probably likes you back, judging from how jealous he got. You could probably even ask your friends and they’d tell you the same.”

You snort. “God, I’d rather die than talk about… love stuff with those freaks I call friends,” you cough out a laugh, muffling the sound before it can continue. Namjoon knows you’re a bit conscious of your “unflattering” snorts, but he just finds them cute. A lot of the things you don’t like about yourself are cute in Namjoon’s eyes. “I can’t even imagine going to any of them about this… They’d just bully me and make me do something I don’t want to do!”

“Isn’t that basically what I’m doing right now?” Namjoon laughs, giggling even harder when he hears your tired groan.

“Yeah, but you’re nice. Unlike those meanies,” you say. Namjoon hates to admit it, but he does appreciate being special to you, even if it’s over something trivial like this.

“You’re right. I wouldn’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do,” Namjoon starts. He can hear you humming in agreement, but he doesn’t stop there. “But, it is a suggestion. Seeing as how you don’t have any other idea how to solve this mess, I’d say go for it. What’s the worse thing that can happen?”

“Um? I get rejected? Hello?”

“You don’t have to let him know it’s a date, you know.”

“What do you mean? Namjoon, you should stop speaking in riddles because I honestly don’t have enough brain cells for this, clearly.”

Namjoon sighs. “I guess what I’m trying to say is… What if you fake date him?” When you don’t reply immediately, Namjoon is quick to keep talking. “Not that I’m asking you to stop fake dating me! What I’m trying to say is… Maybe try to rekindle the rumor that you and Jungkook are dating? He doesn’t have to know it’s a date, so long as everyone else thinks that you two are.”

“I… I guess?” You sound unsure, though Namjoon admits it’s kind of a long shot to begin with, not when you wouldn’t know the last thing about being subtle. He kind of wants to throttle you, in a gentle way. It’s honestly frustrating to see you like this, and he just wishes he could… Make the problem go away.

That would be easy. If Y/N just stopped pining after Jungkook, then he could just come in and—

His thoughts skid to a halt, nearly slapping himself to keep from going down that road again. Look at him, trying to help you with your mess when even he can’t get a handle on his own emotions. What is going on inside my head, he thinks sadly to himself.

“Listen, it’ll be really easy! All you have to do is text him and say, ‘Hey, wanna go have dinner with me tomorrow?’ but bring him somewhere nicer, perhaps? Then take a photo of him all dressed up and looking boyfriend-y and post it on Instagram. I’m sure that’ll shut people up.”

“Namjoon, I don’t know if you’re aware, but Jungkook’s definition of ‘dressing up’ is combat boots, a hoodie, and his god-awful backpack the size of Africa. He looks like a nerd.”

“I mean, you kinda dress alike…” Namjoon mutters, and he’s thankful that you don’t hear his slight slip-up. He clears his throat. “A-anyway, I’m sure it’ll be fine? I think it would be more suspicious if he wore a suit and tie or something. So long as you guys look cozy and comfy together, I’m sure people will take the hint. If worse comes to worst, I can maybe slip something to Johnny and he can retract his statement or something.”

“I hope to god that isn’t the case,” you say. Namjoon nods, before realizing you can’t even see him.

“Right. Well, I think everything should work out perfectly. Just ask him to some popular couples restaurant. Maybe the nice Italian place in Hongdae? Something more romantic, not necessarily fancy.”

There’s a pause on your end for a moment causing Namjoon to sweat a little, wondering if he might be overstepping. He does genuinely want to help you, though he hopes he isn’t actually weirding you out somehow. He’s not adept at handling love problems as much as he’s trying to appear to be, since he’s mostly using the romance novels he had read during his teen years as his sole source of reference. This is what I get for not dating for so long, Namjoon thinks, grimacing.

“Namjoon.” You break the silence, your voice quieter than before. Namjoon has to strain his ears a little, pursing his lips as he waits for your response. “Are you…”

Namjoon tilts his head. “Am I?”

Namjoon hears you hesitate, stuttering syllables over his phone speaker like you aren’t quite sure how to ask your question. “Do you remember when I asked you a few days ago if you were sure you don’t actually have a girlfriend?”

“Yeah?”

“I just… I don’t know how to say this without being weird, but I just want to say you’re great. Like,” you huff out a laugh, incredulous. “You’re just… The perfect package? You’re so kind and so sweet and it’s just? Almost mysterious how you don’t have someone special to call your own yet.”

Namjoon smiles wryly to himself, head bowed as he stares at his wrinkled bedsheets. “I suppose other people don’t feel the same way.” He tries forcing out a laugh, but it sounds a little strangled. His chest feels tight, strangely. Hopefully, you don’t notice.

“No, I highly doubt that! You’re literally the perfect guy. Any person would be lucky to have you as their boyfriend.” You sound almost indignant, like you can’t imagine anyone ever thinking badly about him. He almost wants to laugh, but he tightens his hands into fists instead, digging his nails into his palms and leaving crescents in their wake.

“Well then… I guess that makes you lucky to have me, then?” Namjoon nearly slaps his hands to his mouth, a cold tingle of embarrassment mixed with fear running down his spine. Did he really just say that— “What I mean is, erm…”

“N-no, I get you.” You’re giggling, but—is he imagining it?—you sound a little nervous to his ears. If he thinks hard enough, he can almost imagine you blushing, bottom lip trapped underneath your teeth. “I guess I am lucky to be your fake girlfriend, huh? Even for just a few weeks?”

“Yeah,” Namjoon breathes out the word, guilt washing over him like waves. Here he is, feeling things that he shouldn’t be, over a girl who was never his to begin with. There are seedlings in his chest, barely anything to write home about. But he knows—a gardener can see the garden even before the flowers have bloomed. Each day he spends with you is another day they get a chance to grow, and he’s afraid he’ll soon be overrun, unable to handle the forest that is bound to erupt. “Just a few weeks,” he echoes, unable to completely hide the sadness from his words.

“I guess I am just being melodramatic about everything, huh?” you say. It takes a moment for Namjoon to even remember what the two of you had been talking about, so caught up in his thoughts that he has to pinch himself back to reality.

“Think of it as a funny story to tell your grandkids,” Namjoon says.

You laugh, and Namjoon can feel a seedling sprout its first leaf. “Yeah. Definitely. God, I can’t even begin to think about kids… Not when I can’t even ask him out on a fucking date.”

“You can do it, Y/N.” Namjoon whispers. He flops back down onto his bed, eyes half-closed as he stares at his cracked ceiling. If he breathes quietly enough, he can hear the sounds of Seoul outside his windowpane. If he stops breathing altogether, he might be able to hear you across the city, your socked feet padding towards your bed, curling up into your own blanket.

“Thank you, Namjoon. Really.”

For what? Namjoon leaves that part unspoken. “You’re welcome,” he says instead. He drops the call, feeling a little emptier than before.

#bangtanarmynet #bts social media au #bts scenarios #bts texts #bts fake texts #bts imagines #bts x reader #bts #jungkook scenarios #namjoon scenarios #jungkook fake texts #namjoon fake texts #jungkook fanfiction #namjoon fanfiction #jungkook x reader #namjoon x reader #kim namjoon #jeon jungkook #bangtan

[bokunoheroanalysisforthefuture]

Horikoshi: This will probably not be super popular, but it’ll be fun!

Us: Oh, well that sounds nice!

Us, 290 chapters later: This Isn’t Fun Anymore Horikoshi

Horikoshi: :)

Anyways, welcome to the beginning of - hopefully - a long term and engaging project. I am basically aware of all of canon, and am up to date with the manga, but I haven’t actually read from the beginning of the series, and I’ve only watched the series up to the Deku v Todo fight in the sports festival. However, I’ve been curious as to how the manga portrays stuff that I’ve seen in anime gif form, and so I figured, hey, make this a project!

If you have questions or anything, the ask box is open for now. Meanwhile, I am going to head into the first chapter proper!

[No. 1 - Izuku Midoriya: Origin]

Wow, you’d almost think this kid would grow up to be a villain or something, with that kind of attitude, huh? No way that this kind of attitude would ever come to bite him in the ass and force him to reevaluate his entire character and kickstart his character development.

(Before you say anything, I like Katsuki as a character, but DAMN did he have to do a lot of growing up. I suppose when one is at the bottom, the only way to go is up… unless you have a pickaxe.)

One thing I actually noticed right away, and I dunno how much it’s used in other manga (seeing as I currently am not reading any other manga and the last ones I read were… a long while ago…) is the shape of the text boxes in order to convey emotion! It’s actually hella neat and a little detail I wouldn’t think about adding if I were in his position (not that I can draw all that well, but that’s not my point). You can practically hear the warbling in Izuku’s tone and the rougher edges in Katsuki’s!

(Also, question for the English sub while we’re at it, why the fuck does Katsuki sound like he’s a goddamned adult when he’s fourteen. What the fuck.)

Interesting little thing here, Katsuki not actually using his quirk here against Izuku; his hand is trailing smoke from his explosion, but it’s not a direct burn wound. Not that he should be doing this at all, but with the number of fics I see where Katsuki literally gives Izuku second or third degree burns, I think this is a reminder that canon Katsuki has some modicum of restraint, even this early.

Before I forget, hello winged kid who definitely has no plot significance whatsoever. No siree.

(If you are new to the manga/show and are reading this as among your first introductions to the fandom, first off, I am so sorry. Secondly, expect me to be… definitely making a lot of sarcastic quips to things in the future.)

Onto the second/third page, which is supposed to be a full spread, but is split up into two pages on the online reading site. RIP, but I will not complain about free access to the whole manga. 

Lookit this green bean. I love him so much. I can’t wait for him to suffer.

Izuku: wait, what?

Anyways, a few things to note:

Who the fuck is this guy? I looked into the wiki but he apparently doesn’t warrant a page or even a mention as one of the background faces of the series, but look at that fucking claw, man! And those boots and jets! He’s very obviously themed after a baseball catcher, so I’m going to guess that he has some kind of quirk that deals with either drawing projectiles to him, or perhaps in throwing projectiles… in either case, it’d be something like Snipe’s quirk, so maybe this is his less howdy-happy sibling.

Oh right, the chapter. The other heroes we see on the scene in this two-page spread are Death Arms, Air Jet, and Kamui Woods. 

Also, something I want to point out that I’m sure others have but just struck me while looking at this spread - multiple people are recording / taking pictures of this. I wonder if part of the reason for the villain industry to be as strong as it is is because the villains, even if they know they’ll lose, still get their own sort of fame in being in the news? That… might explain a lot about how there can be enough villains to even run an entire damn industry.

(Well, that and a lot of sociopolitical commentary on BNHA society, but we don’t need to get into that now. Maybe wait two hundred or so chapters first.)

Not gonna lie, I had to double take because I was like ‘wait, what is Ochako doing here?’ but then I realized it was just a random civilian; she doesn’t have those side bangs Ochako does. But now I almost wonder what sort of world we could have had, if they’d met a bit earlier.

Onto the fifth page (fourth is just a filler page, nothing on it), and we get treated to this gem:

Tag yourself I’m the guy who’s slackjawed because his kid is fucking glowing.

The first four examples of quirks shown in this flashback are the luminescence, telekinesis, ice, and that flame-headed(?) mutation. Of them, we actually see hints to the fact that quirks have drawbacks, as the girl with ice is drawn with the same frostbite backlash as Shouto, while the flame-headed kid is… well, I have no idea, but they do not look to be happy.

Also, I love the nod Hori does to the heroes of our era as silhouettes! This is just more evidence to me, along with the fact that the first quirked kid is born and presented in a modern hospital, that this series takes place sometime in the future. I… even calculated the years it could technically be, based on information we get in a few chapters, but I’ll save that for then.

Onto the sixth page! A nice shot of Kamui Woods getting into position, and man is that giant quirk unnerving.

What the fuck is with those feet, Hori. Those aren’t feet.

Next we see how the crowds are reacting, basically with no panic or concern. One guy is just casually letting his boss know he’ll be getting in late. And Backdraft! That is some serious water manipulation, but it seems like it has to be the water they’re in contact with? Also, is it just me or is that a portable pressure hose on their back?

And of course, Izuku being excited over hero stuff, as one does. He’s so babey faced, going back to current chapters after this is gonna be fucking wild.

Onto the seventh page, and here we are with the ‘you’re pure evil’ speech to someone who’s… just a robber. Seriously, dude? I get that you’re still fairly new to the scene (I think he might not be from a hero high school, but a late join program, but that’s another post), but like. You can’t just call random people ‘pure evil’ and correlate petty crime with like, actual mass murderers, or else people might start to see things in black and white and, you know, create the idea of ‘villainous people’ and so push even more innocents down the path of desperation and criminality.

Wait, sociopolitics later. Izuku being a hero fanboy now. Even able to utter Kamui’s attack call as he’s calling it out, with some seriously cool visual effects-

And on the eighth page, we have Mt. Lady crash the scene. Literally. She just fucking shows up outta nowhere and fucking leaps up and delivers a kick right to the villain’s chin, throwing him back through the train bridge wall and sending debris down to the ground below. Sure hope there weren’t civilians there!

Also, hello to that random guy on the roof watching this. I think in Smash they made that guy her manager or something.

I love how Izuku and the other guy are like ‘what the fuck’ while the press just shows up out of nowhere and is like. Hyperfocused on her. (I’ve heard some issues with the portrayal of media/reporters in the series, but since I have no experience with that sort of thing, I can’t say much on it.)

The last panel of this page shows that, fortunately, there were no civilians on that part of the street (even though it being rush hour and the huge crowds on the other side of the bridge should have suggested otherwise… but what do I know?)

With page nine, we get to see our first case of villain apprehension, which to note does not include any sort of quirk suppressors. Because those don’t exist. Otherwise Aizawa and the Eight Precepts’ erasure bullets would not be such huge deals to everyone. I mean yikes, though, the guy is fucking muzzled. And you can see the damage done by Mt. Lady in the background, both physical and emotional. Not to mention…

What the fuck is that face.

But yeah, this notes that performance in heroics determines not only what they’re paid by the government, but also how much fame they get. No way a system like this could backfire in any capacity, right? Right? (cough).

I love how Hori uses Izuku’s muttering habit as the border for the text bubble when the kid zones into his little world. Also, gigantification is noted to be a common and strong quirk, so we really should see more OCs with size altering quirks in fics in the future, you hear me? Honestly, with it being common, I would almost expect there to be entire buildings, or maybe even neighborhoods / blocks dedicated to catering to size shifters… wonder what those places look like.

Also aww, the guy saying good luck on the heroics dream to Izuku and Izuku just sparkling. What a cutie. Can’t wait for him to suffer. :D

Izuku: No seriously, what-

Anyways, I’m cutting off here since we then transition into the next ‘scene’ and this is a long chapter - 55 pages! Besides, this has already surpassed 1700 words, I don’t need to ramble on too long in one post. 

Lemme know what you think, and I’ll be back with more soon!

#opening arcs #chapter 1 #readthrough #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #kamui woods #mt lady #1800 words and only nine pages #buckle in this is gonna be a long project folks

[unproduciblesmackdown]

A Prompt

April 14th: What do you like about being autistic?

can be Hard To Say only because it's like, literally everything about me being an autistic person's Characteristics lol, and that like, that initial sense of Difference between myself and other people was like, noticing some sort of mismatch / misalignment, but also that i was the one feeling shut out / out of place about it, so it's defined in that negative way like, well i guess i'm doing things wrong somehow, and it all keeps being framed like, whenever it seems to stand out that there's something Different about myself, it's about trying to figure out what's wrong here, why some interaction isn't working or whatever, and when actually getting positive responses or whatever, it's doesn't quite feel so individual, like, oh i guess i'm just seeming normal to people here, right lol. but that, also, of course, things you Could consider positive / like about yourself sure might not be received / responded to in that way by other people, can't always even just feel neutral about anything / not notice it, even if it can't possibly actually Matter / isn't causing any kind of problem for anyone else it's like well why are you doing this unnecessarily & Weirdly.....and you know, pathological model vs social model, naturally, where i don't think "hey if this part of being autistic led to Negative Experiences, it's b/c being autistic is worse than being allistic and i wish i was allistic, b/c that's the only way to Not be, for example, objectively and rightfully excluded and punished by people around me" lmao

but for a start i saw some quote from an autistic person the other day mentioning just this sort of like, what they love about themself re: being autistic, and i remember one of them being You Mean What You Say lol, with the example "if i ask 'how are you' it's because i want to know how you are" lmao like yeah a really exhausting Greeting Ritual in particular when it's like, literally every time you hear that you have that awareness like "okay remember this person doesn't Actually want to hear about how you are," tbt to times like "when it's was really discouraging being texted regularly like 'what're you up to / how long will you be away' because for a sec i'd interpret it as 'this person is actually just asking what's up or wondering when you'll be around to hang out with, might be asking with the intention of making plans With you,' but then i have to remember it's about hoping i'm Away so my presence isn't interfering with what they want to do and of course it's not about genuine interest in my life/day otherwise or wanting to hang out" like, this shit is exhausting lmao. and you know, of course i know Different Communication Styles and how people will read different implications and intentions into the same kinds of interactions or behaviors or whatever, it's just Funny(tm) when like. some nt ppl think their social/communication styles are what's Objective, Universal, Correct, Intuitive, Effective, etc. like they'll be like "it's Great to say what you mean instead of Playing Games" and think autistic people are blunt / rude & it's b/c they're communicating Wrong, like actually you guys are saying you love ppl who are Real & Honest while being that post like "i love drama i love games if you fuck with my friends i will help you do it" lmaooo

also yknow to an Extent i think that like. sometimes just being very independently Enthusiastic about something can seem fun to nt people lol like, yes i can monologue about something aloud for 5 or 10 or 80 minutes maybe, or just you know, talk about it to myself via Posting lmfao, and sometimes that appeals to people or they at least regard it Neutrally because it's like. supposing that sometimes even when it's not something someone else is also interested in, idk, people are down for a like, individual experiences of unfettered expression of that passion lmao, but like, ftr i would hate instances of this as like a "because being enthusiastic like that is," deep inhale, "cute" or whatever, like, if i'm gonna talk about something it's a Lecture okay lmao. and plus i do plenty of it via Text lmfao, so, not many times i get to in person talk about whatever, or it'll be like, look at this video of a cool bird. i do not need someone's like, Personal Affection to find it Cute or Wholesome that i'm passionate about birds, or, god knows, fine anything else Cute, an assessment i never need or want, engage w/the information being shared please lmao. and then also, you know, i Draw Things based on it being v Of Interest lol so that's like, thank you to myself for having these Thoughts i want to express about Things Of Interest, i get to have fun like, just focusing in on what Creative Project i wanna do about it lol even if it's also like, boy, what if i could just have the idea and it'd Manifest, and you know, drawing is a way i am Talking About Something, certainly also if i'm dropping a tags essay about it lmao.........love to just delve tf into things and have all these thoughts & things to say about it, and really like, Exceptional when anyone wants to engage with this like, repeatedly / regularly lol. shoutout, Thanks, Epic

and well you know. i don't have any incredible specifics coming to mind here but in whatever ways i might think of things Differently it's like, hell yeah then, epic of me, i will be out here Figuring Shit Out even if i have to marinate on things, i'm sure motivated to engage with stuff that's Of Interest to me, when i have these solid ways to communicate with other people it's fun and flexible lmao, and i think there's that fun of being like, Performative in a way, theatricality, which i think like, maybe a source of that can be when you Have to be aware of the "rules" of interactions / social performance, but also how yknow, you can Act any way, there's nothing universal, there's maybe plenty of bullshit involved, hence how you can Have to be at least somewhat aware of things because you have to try to figure out the Secret rules and patterns and you know, simply Being Yourself and Behaving Naturally at all times isn't an option.....def have the Theatre type Theatrical thing lmao, the "theatre gay ft religious parents, enjoying harmonizing in the church choir lol i'm a Tenor babey" experience lmao, being in 4th grade auditioning for this set of play scenes like oh i get to be the main Antagonist guy? also i'm playing a guy? also i'm in this play and have lines and stuff? Hell yes lmao. and the Stage Performance via eventual roles via dance classes, i remembered the other week the studio i used to be at Used to have this like, idk, thing where the older dancers in a certain group maybe used to have a trip to nyc, think that fell away not long before i was one of those more Skilled Dancers like damnit, never really went to nyc except driving in and out to pick people up from the airport, like hey that distant smudge out the car window is probably the statue of liberty or something.....but the rehearsing and playing a Part and being in shows was. a ton of fun. i Said No to Stage Fright lmfao and really enjoyed being backstage and rehearsals and etc. but also i think i just Can be theatrical you know, in my own social approach lmfao, i'm big on talking with my hands lmao and i can get like, some Social Momentum going that way, i can have some confidence and can sort of hit that groove and it's like, not exactly masking trying to act """"normal"""" but i'm still Being Myself in this more "acceptable" way that nt people might better Understand or whatever. i also just like, personally, i love to be kind of theatrically Funny for sure lmfao and like, if people are just like overwhelmed by the least amount of goofiness / can't or won't play along at all i'm like, Please, work with me here lol, also like damn you live like this??? cmon lol

and well, nonconclusion, but it's pretty difficult to think of things like, what do i Dislike about being autistic which isn't about the way allistic ppl treat you sucks, like, e.g., it'll be like damn augh oof Misophonia, aural texture hell, hardly fun but that's not always a disaster, and as long as i can like, do something to block it out, and if i have to be like "hm this is distressing me b/c this noise is really really pissing me off lmao" as long as you know, i'm not amongst people who are just going to be annoyed at me for making up some problem and/or daring to speak about this experience inconveniently. be normal maybe. idk i'm just like right on, Myself

#30daysofautismacceptance #2021

[kettterdams]

50 questions you’ve never been asked.

i was tagged by @ohwarnette (thank you sm sara!!) and i think someone else too but i can’t remember who :/

what is the colour of your hairbrush? it’s wood, so i guess brown

a food you never eat? cheese by itself

are you typically too warm or too cold? too warm. i live in a basement so i’m used to the cold lmao

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? sitting on my bed, pondering the concept of love and spiraling real quick

what is your favourite candy bar? oooh kitkats probably

have you ever been to a professional sports event? yep! shoutout to the st louis cardinals one time

what is the last thing you said out loud? i don't remember but probably “damn it”

what is your favourite ice cream? it depends, but i guess overall rocky road

what was the last thing you had to drink? peach tea

do you like your wallet? yeah! it’s a dark teal pleather wristlet and i don’t go anywhere without it

what was the last thing you ate? a handful of pecans

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i actually did! my mom and i ordered some stuff from thredup

the last sporting event you watched? the last ball game i went to was probably back in 2016 oops

what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? kettle corn!!

who is the last person you sent a text message to? my best friend

ever go camping? hell yeah!! camping is the best

do you take vitamins? iron, babey!! i got restless leg syndrome

do you go to church every sunday? no but ngl i kinda miss it. i’m not even religious, i just went to a really tight church lmao

do you have a tan? no i wiSH

do you prefer chinese food or pizza? chinese food 100%

do you drink your soda with a straw? nah

what colour socks do you usually wear? all my socks are different colors lol

do you ever drive above the speed limit? i don’t drive cuz i’m a dunce

what terrifies you? the concept of time and failure

look to your left, what do you see? lotso the bear

what chore do you hate? doing the dishes because no one in my family fucking rinses them off before putting them in the sink and it’s disgusting

what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? steve irwin

what’s your favourite soda? dr. pepper or apple fanta. not green apple, but apple. the only place i can ever find straight up apple fanta is cici’s pizza :(

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? drive-thru usually

who’s the last person you talked to? my mom

favourite cut of beef? i do not care

last song you listened to? danny’s song by loggins and messina

last book you read? supernova by marissa meyer!!

favourite day of the week? thursdays & fridays

can you say the alphabet backwards? i’ve never tried, but probably?? it’d take me a while tho

how do you like your coffee? with a shitload of sugar

favourite pair of shoes? my white crocs don’t @ me

at what time do you normally go to bed? around 2 am rn

at what time do you normally get up? 9 or 10 am

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrise, but i’m hardly ever awake for it

how many blankets are on your bed? four if you count the comforter

describe your kitchen plates. the ones i use most often are square n white

do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? strawberry wine but you didn’t hear it from me

do you play cards? not a lot?? doesn’t everyone at some point??

what colour is your car? i don’t drive but technically my uncle gave his old car to me, and it’s black

can you change a tire? no but i should learn tbh

what is your favourite province? n/a??

favourite job you’ve ever had? i’ve never had a paying job, but i loved volunteering at the day care center

how did you get your biggest scar? i don’t remember, i got it when i was really young

what did you do today that made someone else happy? checked in with my friend who i was supposed to produce a musical with this summer. got cancelled cuz of rona :(

tagging @tinanewt @saralahnce @valkyriemarvel @gamoora @florenepugh

#;tagged

[jawnjendes]

i’m tired too | shawn mendes

university au summer vacay babey, shawn x goth gf

*******just letting yall know that the chapter before this, girl you’re trouble did not appear in the tags when i posted it, so if u havent read it go ahead and do that now :P

masterlist | series playlist

My tongue was between my teeth as I focused on my reflection in my little compact mirror. Carefully, I filled in my eyebrow with dark brown powder, ignoring the people sitting on either side of me on the couch. Having two sets of eyes on me made it hard to carve out the enhanced version of my face, though. I tried to shift in my seat to get them to focus on literally anything else, but neither of them let up.

“She’s so good at that,” Mom said in admiration. She was sitting on my left.

“Isn’t she?” Shawn agreed in the same tone. He was on my right.

I paused and sighed. The previous evening, Aaliyah pointed out that my mom and her brother had some uncanny similarities. I thought she was just bringing light to the fact that they both… adore me. But they had the same mannerisms, like talking with their hands. They were both optimistic as well, unlike me… and my dad. I pretended not to see any similarities until now. I was just glad Aaliyah wasn’t here now to triumph in her discovery.

“Are you guys gonna do this the whole time?” I asked, looking back and forth between the two of them.

“Well, you’re so pretty,” Shawn said, bringing a hand up to stroke my cheek.

I leaned away from his touch. “I just did my foundation!”

My mom laughed. “She won’t let you touch her either! I’m glad it’s not just me!”

Shawn gave me a surprised look. He learned just a little too much about me in the last twenty four hours, and it wasn’t stopping anytime soon.

Luckily, my dad, who had been scrolling through his phone on the other side of the couch, piped up. “Shawn, I heard you play guitar?”

That started the music conversation. I was glad to have the attention off of me for once, all anyone asked me about these days was my stupid hospital stay. Plus, I could finish my makeup in peace. Not to mention, Shawn was still convulsing and crying in his sleep, so things were… not ideal at the moment. But he got to talk about his love of music, which was something my dad could relate to.

“You know, I used to be in a rock band,” he said. “Back in eighty-seven, me and my buddies played shows from my parents’ garage. That’s how I met Lucy. She was standing at the front of the audience for every show. We only had about ten people attend if we were lucky, but she was always there.”

Mom placed her hands over her chest fondly. “I think music has a beautiful way of bringing people together.”

You wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at my mother, but she lived for heavy metal. She was the one who introduced me to the symphonic metal bands I listen to now.

“Oh, a hundred percent,” Shawn agreed. Then he told me parents that he and I met at one of his shows at a coffee shop.

Today was much more calm than the last. My parents slept on it, and they decided that they were just happy that I was live. I was just glad they stayed at a hotel, too. I couldn’t imagine being holed up with them after not living with them for a majority of two years. I also wouldn’t know how to explain why my boyfriend was yelling in his sleep every hour.

I really did miss my mom and dad. It kicked in when they had to go home at the end of the week. I was supposed to be home too. None of this was supposed to happen this way.

~

After my parents were gone, I was able to get around the apartment by myself. I didn’t need a babysitter anymore, so I tried to be happy about that. However, my incisions still kept me from doing anything strenuous, which meant I had no excuse not to return to work anymore. Most of what I did was sit behind a desk in a tiny office, so I made my first day back that Friday. I figured I might as well make some type of income to, you know, pay for my books for the next semester and uhhhhhh fucking live. I had to find my independence again somehow.

Anyway, my first day back at work was as mundane as it always was. It was like I wasn’t even gone for three weeks. Stacy gave me a professional “welcome back” and then hit me with the work I missed that I needed to catch up on. I spent the morning adding up gas receipts, entering vehicle information into the computer, and booking service appointments over the phone.

In the afternoon, Jason and Luca came in for their shifts. They approached the window of the office and stopped in their tracks.

“You’re here?” Jason asked in disbelief. “Weren’t you quitting?”

Clearly, no one knew or cared where I had been lately. I mean, I must have told Stacy to keep it confidential while I was high on morphine. Even then, I wasn’t exactly popular here.

“I had surgery, and now I can’t hop on a plane home,” I explained shortly.

“Oh, so you were dying and you weren’t planning on telling us?” Luca said, holding a hand up to my face in a dramatic fashion. “How dare you.”

I blinked once and then got back to adding numbers from the stack of receipts. The two of them entered the office, and that was when another question popped into my mind.

“Who covered me while I was gone?”

“Not me!” Jason said as he went to his desk at the back of the office.

Luca stood by mine and puckered his lips like he was thinking to himself. That said it all for me.

“Shoulda known.” I rolled my eyes. “Not a goddamn thing was done, and it’s month-end.”

“Hey, Stacy told me to book appointments,” Luca said defensively. “I lost commission these last few weeks because of that. I sell cars. I’m no receptionist.”

Bet he didn’t even book appointments either. Bet Stacy told him to cover all of my responsibilities. Luca just did not give a flying fuck about anything.

I spent my lunch hour in the car. Normally, Shawn would have come to meet me so we could eat together… or not eat. He was working too, though, and from the texts he sent me, he had been working on a flower arrangement for a wedding. He was going to be busy all day. When did we become a boring, married couple?

“You’ll never believe who they put to cover me while I was out,” I typed out in a text to Shawn. I munched on my white rice as I sent it.

“Who?!” he replied within a few minutes. I could almost hear the enthusiasm.

“Fucking Luca. He did fuck all, so I have a bunch to catch up on. Plus, it’s the end of the month, so we all have to close a bunch of sales and warranties and all this other boring crap. I’ll be home a little late.” Send. More white rice. God, I’m tired of rice.

My phone buzzed again while I was scrolling on Instagram. Shawn had replied. “Aw. Ok hon. I’m gonna have a couple of friends over tonight, just letting you know. Some of them want to see how you’re doing.”

“Ok. I’ll see you at home.”

“Love that you see my place as a home now :)”

Uhhhhhhhhh… Who’s gonna tell him? Who has to remind him that I was staying at his place for convenience, because I am recovering from a surgery? That I literally almost died and my complications kept me from travelling long distance…? Who’s gonna tell him?

~

I was horrifically fatigued when I got home. I seemed to have forgotten that stressing over numbers and annoying phone calls was mentally straining. Maybe travelling by car wasn’t a great idea either, but how could I not drive? I had a job to go to. I had an apartment to get back to. As I walked up to the front door, I wished that I didn’t have to worry about things like income and bills to pay. I just wanted to lie down and not get up again.

Walking into the apartment, I realized I probably wouldn’t even get to do that.

First of all, the door was unlocked. Shawn had given me a key, but apparently I didn’t need it this time. I was met with music and laughter as stepped over the threshold. I found people, strangers, when I peered into the kitchen.

It was a small kitchen, but there were five frat boy looking guys all holding plastic red cups. Among them were three breathtakingly pretty brunettes. I’m talking Instagram models, wearing sparkling crop tops and skin tight leggings. They were all laughing about something until they saw me at the doorway.

“Rock on, emo queen,” one of the frat boys said, holding up the rock and roll sign.

Yeah. Even in my work uniform, which was a button up with the company name on, was in fact black. Not to mention, the eyeliner I had put on in the morning smudged so much throughout the day that I now looking like a raccoon having a mental breakdown.

Awkwardly, I continued padding down the hall, finding more people standing and talking amongst themselves. Again, more ridiculously pretty girls and their dates. All I could smell was weed. I tried to keep a stink eye off my face, but it was the only thing that made people move out of the way so I could get to the living room.

Finally, there were people I recognized. Brian, Connor, Teddy, and Shawn were among a bigger group of strangers sat on the L-shaped couch. So this was a couple of friends?

Shawn noticed me first and raised his arms in the air, making me notice the red cup in his hand. “Look who’s here!”

That caused several pairs of eyes to turn to me, causing me to feign a smile. Everyone raised their drinks and cheered. Oh god, I was in a room of drunk toddlers. I was in a whole ass apartment of drunk toddlers. And my fucking boyfriend was the toddler hosting the other toddlers.

“Come, sit here,” Shawn said, waving me over. “I missed you!”

I still felt awkward and tired and far from the vibe everyone else was currently on. I stepped over and went to take the empty space next to Shawn, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me onto his lap. My face went hot at the gesture, but not because of the affection, or the fact that he chose to rest his hands on top of my thighs. His chin rested on my shoulder, and I could smell the alcohol in his breath. Oh jeez.

“Man, let your girl breathe!” Brian joked, seeing the discomfort on my face.

“It’s fine,” I said sheepishly. I noticed several empty plastic cups and shot glasses on the coffee table. It wasn’t even ten o’clock yet.

“Yeah,” Shawn agreed, “I mean, I’d sit on her lap, but my poor baby had surgery. Wouldn’t wanna hurt her.”

Before I could retort, Teddy spoke up. She, too, had her own cup and was very obviously under the influence. “Oh yeah! How did that go? What even happened?”

I was going to reluctantly explain, but Shawn spoke for me again.

“My little fighter looked death in the face and said ‘fuck you!’”

Several gasps and fascinated expressions came from the group on the couch. I resisted the urge to plant my face in my hands. There goes my business, out in the open for everyone to put their noses into.

“You almost died?” Connor asked in shock.

“Ooh, story time!” Teddy announced. “Spill! Now!”

Been home for ten minutes, and I was not in my pajamas lying under the covers. For me, this was a couple of steps away from a worst case scenario. All eyes on me, expected to talk about things I wanted to keep quiet about. And it was all prompted by my drunk boyfriend, of all people.

“I had a bowel resection, and then I hemorrhaged,” I explained curtly. Then, I moved Shawn’s hands off my thighs and got to my feet. “And now I have to stay here and recover for the whole summer. The end.”

Some people booed at the length of my story. I’m sure I was expected to tell an awesome tale about the battle against my infected guts, but I was really not in the mood for that. I had to tell the story twice at work, and that was enough for me.  I didn’t really care about being a massive party pooper at the moment.

“Baby, where you going?” asked Shawn as I stepped away from the group.

I sighed and turned back to him. “I’m gonna change out of my uniform, and then I’m going to sleep.”

He pouted and got up to approach me. He came up close, so things felt a little more private. “Come have fun with me. We never have fun anymore.”

The plea in his voice was a jab straight to the heart. But I couldn’t find it in me to change my mind and stay with him.

“I’m not really in a party mood,” I said apologetically. “I had a long day, I’m really tired.”

Shawn’s face fell even more. His hazy, tipsy eyes filled with concern. “You want me to kick everyone out? I’ll do it! I’ll do it right now!”

I quickly got ahold of his wrist before he could rally the troops. I already had enough guilt on my shoulders. “No! No, no, no, don’t do that.” I held his hand in both of mine, and I ran my fingers over the swallow tattoo. “Have fun with your friends. You’re right, things haven’t been fun lately, and I’m sorry for that. You deserve a good time, even if I’m not there. Just have a drink for me, okay?”

He could have put out some things about how the party would be better if I was there. He could have sweet talked me into sitting on his lap again for the whole night. Instead, he squeezed my hand and said, “Straight tequila, right?”

Relief washed over me. “Yes. Remember to drink water too.”

“I gotchu, honey.”  Then, he leaned in a pressed a sweet kiss to my lips. “Keep the bed warm for me.”

The taste of alcohol on his lips made me one percent more likely to join him in the festivities. The other ninety nine percent yeeted my ass to the bedroom. Once I was alone, the crushing feeling of deliberate isolation sent me to the surface of the bed.

I was the type of tired that kept me from actually sleeping. I could sleep through plenty of external noise, living in a college dorm was enough experience. It was just my foggy brain and burning throat getting in the way. I grabbed my Switch from the nightstand and played Smash Bros, tuning out the sounds of people having a better time than me.

Every so often, I heard people cheering or chanting, “chug, chug, chug!” I remained curled up in bed, fighting people online to get my frustrations out. Taylor Swift’s Love Story came on around 1AM and everyone screamed the lyrics, while I brought my t-shirt to the bridge of my nose to catch oncoming tears. I felt guilty and selfish every moment I wished Shawn was here to spoon me til I fell asleep. He spent so much time worrying about me, he deserved to forget it all once in a while. God knows I wanted to do the same, but my insides were still recovering.

I had put my Switch away and I was lying on my side by the time people were saying their goodbyes out in the apartment. Some guy was praising Shawn for having such “epic parties” as they put it. Weird, this was the first party of his that I witnessed. We’ve been together just over six months. How much of himself was he holding back because of me?

“Whoo!” I heard Shawn yell, followed by a glass shattering loudly.

The sound woke me up a little. Meaning, my legs got me standing and dashing out to the living room. My eyes scanned the place, which was now vacant of people and full of trash, but I found Shawn sitting on the floor just outside the hallway.

The place was a mess. Half empty cups, food, and mysterious stains covered every surface in the apartment. I was only worried about my boyfriend.

“Hey, cutie,” I said affectionately, bending down so we were at eye level.

Shawn’s eyes were hooded, but sparkling. He gave me a toothy grin and held up a peace sign.

Then, Teddy emerged from the kitchen. “Oh, did I wake you? I dropped a cup, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I wasn’t exactly sleeping,” I told her, still looking at Shawn. I waved my hand in front of his face, only for him to blink slowly. “Uh, how much has he had to drink?”

Teddy chewed her lip as she thought about it. “I lost count after his fourth shot.”

“My girlfriend told me to have ten tequilas,” Shawn slurred, belching right after. “I think I had like, six.”

I held my breath and waved off the stench. Someone was in for a long night, longer than normal. I didn’t think he would take me seriously, but then again, I did not tell him to have ten shots of straight tequila.

“Oh yeah, he mixed his liquor too,” Teddy said.

I sighed and moved Shawn’s long arm over my shoulders. “Okay, vamos mi chulo. Let’s get you to bed.”

Teddy stepped in to help get the six foot toddler to his feet. Shawn stumbled and swayed, his long arms hanging heavily on our shoulders. I baby talked him as we slowly strolled to the bedroom, and I told Teddy I could take it from there.

Shawn burped again as we got closer to the bed, and he groaned. “Ugh… this isn’t fun anymore.”

“Okay, let’s go to the bathroom,” I said, steering him the other way.

It took a minute to get him positioned in front of the toilet. It took less than a second for him to lean over the bowl and return everything he drank. As much as the sights and sounds of vomiting brought me dark and lonely flashbacks, I went and sat on the edge of the bathtub. I rubbed Shawn’s back and practically waited for it to end.

Once that was overwith, I really couldn’t go back to sleep. I managed to lay Shawn down on the mattress. The sparkle in his eyes was gone, now replaced with chilling emptiness. I took the liberty of pulling his leather boots off his feet, and I removed his socks as well. Then, I draped the comforter over his long body.

“Stay with me,” Shawn mumbled, his arm reaching out to me. “Let’s forget all the bad shit…”

It seems that no amount of alcohol could make him not think about the last couple of weeks. My heart began to ache all over again.

“Go to sleep, okay?” I said gently. “I’ll be with you when you go to sleep.”

Shawn whined. “You always die in my sleep. I love you too much to let you go.”

I had a feeling that that’s what he had been dreaming about. But I really could not get myself to lie down with him. I was too antsy from the vomiting.

“Wait for me, okay?” I told him, stroking his hair. “I’m only gonna be a few minutes, and I’ll come back.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

He’s drunk. He’s going to sleep no matter what.

Once Shawn was all tucked into bed, I left the room and quietly shut the door behind me. In the living room, Teddy was picking up plastic cups and shoving them into a giant trash bag. I really wasn’t expecting her to still be here. Wordlessly, I began helping her clean up. Anything to get my beating heart to slow down.

“What were you doing this whole time if you weren’t sleeping?” she asked me. “Was the music too loud?”

“No. It wasn’t anything from the party,” I replied, scooping up paper plates and used napkins. “Just had a long day. I wasn’t in the mood for a party.”

“Oh.”

She glanced at me a couple of times as she dumped more trash into the bag. This was supposed to be the part where I bare my soul to my boyfriend’s friend and make her my friend, but… Enough of my business was out there already.

Teddy, however, was persistent. “So, how come you didn’t want visitors at the hospital? Or when you got out, for that matter?”

I busied myself with fixing the sofa cushions so I could come up with a decent answer. “Uh, I like my privacy. Especially in moments where things are messy.”

“Hm. Well, aren’t messy moments the times when you need friends the most?”

That thought lingered in the air as we continued tidying up the living room. I could have had my video game club friends there, or Shawn’s friends, but instead I left most of the burden to Shawn himself. What kind of a person am I?

At last, Teddy got the last of the garbage in the bag, and she tied it shut. Then, we moved onto the kitchen. More cups, spilled booze, and the broken glass from earlier. Oh, how I did not miss house parties. I was at the prime age of partying, being 21. I should have been the type to be as drunk as my boyfriend was, to just have fun and forget the stresses of life. But I found myself on a completely different level than the people who were here tonight.

“Do you stay up late often?” Teddy asked, trying to fill the silence yet again.

We both paused as the sounds of loud, monotonous humming came from the bedroom. Teddy scrunched her brow and tilted her head. My shoulders tensed with chills, like ice cold water had been spilled down the back of my shirt.

“To answer your question,” I told her, “yes.”

She followed me to the room, but she stayed at the doorway while I went to Shawn’s quivering body.

“Baby, wake up,” I said urgently, shaking his arm. “Wake up, it’s only a dream, baby…”

He was on his back, head moving from side to side in harsh moments. He groaned, completely spastic, so I coaxed him some more.

My voice shook. “Shawn… please. I’m here, please-”

His eyes flew open with a loud gasp. He sat up, breathing hard and fast. I placed my hands on his broad shoulders, getting his attention.

“Hey, look at me. You’re okay, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

Brown eyes were wide with panic, and then sadness. Within a second, they were filling with tears, and Shawn was wrapping his arms around my waist. With a shaky sob, he buried his head in my neck and cried quietly.

I had a pained looked on my face while he wasn’t looking. I just held him and stroked his hair. I was whispering the things I always said when he was in this state. “You’re safe with me. It was just a dream, it’s not real.”

I was able to coax him back to sleep for the time being. It was only going to happen again, though. I didn’t know how to stop it from happening.

When I stepped out of the room again, I leaned against the wall by the doorway. Teddy was gone, probably fled the uncomfortable situation. Can’t say I blame her. I sighed heavily and brought the palms of my hands to my misty eyes. I was beyond exhausted now. I was at a loss.

A hand went on my shoulder all of a sudden, making me jump. I looked up, finding that Teddy was still here, glass of water in her hand. Her blue eyes were concerned and upset, like the world had just ended in front of her. I pushed past the feelings, though.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were still here,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “Uh, did you need a ride home?”

She shook her head and held up the glass. “My fiance is coming soon. Here, drink.”

I offered a weak smile and accepted the gesture. As I sipped, Teddy said something that threw me off.

“He told me he was handling his nightmares. Had it all taken care of.”

“Why would he say that?” I asked in return.

“Didn’t want anyone to worry, I’m guessing. But I can see how tired he is. I can see how shaken up he is. I mean, he never goes as hard as he did tonight with the liquor. And worst of all, he hasn’t written a song in weeks. He hasn’t been in the studio at all.”

And it was my own damn fault.

“Does he tell you what he dreams about?” I dared to ask.

“No,” Teddy said. “I don’t think he tells anybody. I think he needs something beyond our help.”

“You’re right. I need to talk to him about this, because I know he’s not gonna talk to me.”

She placed her both her hands on my shoulders. “Hey. I’ve seen Shawn with quite a few girls over the last couple of years. I’ve never seen him head over heels until you came along. He loves you so much, he can’t fathom the idea of losing you. He loves you so much that he won’t talk to you about this because he doesn’t want you to feel bad.”

I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to make me feel better, because I was barely coherent as I spoke. “I already do…”

~

For once, I was up and running before Shawn was. His last nightmare happened around six in the morning, and after that he slept normally. The hangover probably had something to do with that. I left him a glass of water and painkillers on the nightstand, and then I went to the kitchen to attempt a type of breakfast.

By the time had eggs scrambled on a plate, Shawn was stumbling out of the room, glass of water in hand. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, and then he ran his fingers through his curly hair. He was still in the navy blue t-shirt he wore last night, but he ditched his jeans and went for the underwear look.

I met him halfway from the kitchen, presenting him with his mediocre breakfast. “Morning, sunshine.”

“For me?” he asked, and I nodded. “You’re the best.”

He sat at the round glass dining table as opposed to going to the living room. He must have been really hungover. I sat next to him and basked in the silence as he ate. My hands were tingling from the nerves.

“How ya feelin’?” I asked in a stupidly gently voice, reaching over to rub his arm.

He hummed through a mouthful of eggs. When he swallowed, he spoke. “My head is pounding. But I took the pills you left for me. Thank you for that, by the way. Who cleaned the apartment?”

“Me and Teddy. After you knocked out, we just decided to tidy up so no one had to worry about it the next day.”

“Well, thank you. One less thing to worry about.” He ate in silence some more, and then spoke some words that truly had me puzzled. “I slept the whole night for once. Feels good.”

Must be nice to not remember your night terrors. However, I had to tell him.

“Shawn…” I said slowly. “You woke up like five times. You had a panic attack one of those times.”

He slowed his chewing, staring at the table top in thought. He stayed quiet, and it freaked me out. He practically shut down, and it scared me for multiple reasons.

“I don’t know how to help you,” I admitted, watching him carefully.

“It’ll wear off,” he said weakly.

“You don’t know that.” I had to be firm. “I don’t know what you’re seeing in your sleep, but I know it scares you so much that you won’t talk about it. And you talk about everything, so that’s how I know it’s bad.”

Shawn looked down, still silent. Not giving me a possible solution to this. Does he even want help? Or am I just exaggerating and losing my mind?

“You don’t have to talk to me about it,” I continued. “Just talk to somebody. Last night, Teddy told me that you were taking care of all of this, but you’re not. I don’t know how you’re functioning during the day, because I’ve been exhausted and sleep deprived. I know you are too, and I’m not the only one who sees it. I, I don’t know how much longer I can watch you go through this.”

Again, he was quiet. He was never quiet. Shawn was feisty and passionate, ready to say anything to prove his point at any given moment. He had strayed from the Shawn Mendes I loved in such a short amount of time. It was happening so fast, watching him slip through my fingers. It felt like I was the one in a nightmare.

“Please,” I mumbled, my voice quavering. My bottom lip began to quiver.

Shawn suddenly looked up at me, eyes wide at the sounds coming out of me. Even when he was sinking, he still paid more attention when I was about to cry.

“I’ll, I’ll give you my therapist’s number,” I offered, losing my composure. “I-I don’t know if she’s taking anymore clients, but I-I-I’ll give up my sessions for you. I’ll do anything if it means you’ll get some help. Shawn, I… I’m begging you. I’m begging you to get help, because I don’t know what to do anymore… a-and it’s because of me why you’re like this, a-a-and I’m sorry-”

I gasped when I realized Shawn had placed his hands on either side of my face. His thumbs rubbed my tear stricken cheeks, and he spoke calmly and gently.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’ll get help. I promise. I don’t wanna go through this anymore either. I promise I’ll figure this out.”

I guess that’s how I knew I was falling in love. The want and need for him to be okay was so great, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to make that happen. The fact that he was not okay was ripping me a new one. I couldn’t even breathe when he slept. I couldn’t even think about how much I wanted to be in California, because then I’d have to think about leaving Shawn all alone. Who would talk him down from his night terrors?

My hospital stay alone triggered nightmares and eerie silence from him. But what would Shawn have done if I had died altogether?

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #fourtristattoosspring #shawn x goth gf #if this doesnt show up in the tags imma fuckin riot #im jk ill just cry again probably #i may have cried writing this lulz

[ilovemygaydad]

punk!patton au masterlist

characters: listed under the cut

pairings: moxiety, logince, background remceit (sleep/deceit), past thomas/female oc, and possibly more in the future

rating: teen (see under read more for more info on that)

warnings are on the individual chapters :)

links to the fic itself:

part one

part two

part three

part four

part five (updated 3/22/19)

ao3 version

companions:

serpent’s silk

weak spot

mouth breather

answered questions and random ramblings:

about virgil:

about his celiac disease

when they discovered he was celiac

more about his celiac disease

is virgil adopted?

about virgil’s biological mother

can’t he bring a lunch?

about patton:

a bit about logan and patton’s relationship

more about logan and patton’s relationship

does patton want logan to be a dad-dad

patton’s curls vs his emo style

what does patton normally wear?

tattoos and piercings?

abandonment issues?

about his meltdowns

does he want to be a dad

music tastes

about roman:

his deafness

about his hearing aids

his reaction to virgil having a black eye

how he feels about patton

roman as a teenager with a splash of thomas

about logan:

has he wanted to adopt anyone else?

about emile:

future role in the fic?

about dc:

how old is he and what does he like about remy

artwork:

patton being edgy

virgil being a sweetheart

some cuTe artwork of patton and virgil

patton and virgil moodboards

more moodboards!!!

a shitpost about patton and logan

the softest, sweetest baby boy

miscellaneous:

virgil cosplay (makeup)

questions are always welcome! i love to talk about these guys and the story!!! <3

any artwork is totally cool as long as you tag me so i can see it!

other stuff:

more on that there rating:

there will be no nsf/w stuff in this fic other than like some very vaguely implied things through like winks. i am extremely sex repulsed, and n/sfw things trigger my anxiety really badly, which means that i can’t write or read those things. it isn’t fair to myself to attempt to please potential readers at my own cost, and i deeply apologize to anyone who wanted this story to go there in the future. this goes for all of my other fics as well, but i guess i never said this outright. sorry, but at the same time, not.

character bios (italicized are the mains, and the regular text are the supporting):

patton summers (16): our main boy. homoromantic asexual. leaning towards 5′10.5″. he was orphaned as a toddler and spent almost all of his childhood in an orphanage because he just had too many emotions for prospective parents to deal with. he hides said emotions away behind his punk exterior, but a certain sweet pastel boy is starting to crack away at that shell...

logan summers (36): patton’s new legal guardian. super gay. jewish. around 5′10″ or so. [REDACTED until part 6]. Loves his mom and step-dad to pieces. Wishes he could visit them more often, but there’s only so much that he can do with his teacher schedule. btw he teaches first graders, and he loves them so much. he is extremely smart, and he has a hobby of collecting books!

virgil sanders (16): an odd, anxious teenager in patton’s class. pan. like 5′7″ and tiny. adopted by roman after his mom was killed when he was a baby. knows of his birth parents, but he still loves roman as if he were his biological dad. he is super, super sweet and kind, but he has anxiety issues that often lead to him being quiet and shy. he loves to dress in “feminine,” pastel clothings. absolutely in love with patton. like, head over heels. just wants to see that boy happy.

roman sanders (38): virgil’s adoptive father. so, so gay. around logan height. he was raised heavily irish catholic with his twin brother, thomas, by his very loving parents. [REDACTED until part 6]. he’s deaf, but he’s able to communicate through sign language and lip reading, and he can verbalize pretty well. loves his brother, nephew, and son so, so much, as well as his best friend, emile, and his son, dc. he works as a therapist.

thomas sanders (38): roman’s twin brother. could be gayer... also around logan height. he’s a chemical engineer-slash-actor. he had his son, remy, with his now ex-wife, who he is still very close with. he didn’t realize that he was gay until after remy was born, but... he isn’t the only one.

remy sanders (17): virgil’s cousin/roman’s nephew/thomas’ son. gay. half vietnamese, half irish. giant. like, 6′4″ giant. extremely intelligent and athletic. he’s played hockey since he was a little kid because he enjoyed hitting the ball around (and the other kids), and because he was in a huge rival with dc picani. he’s the definition of “string bean” body-wise. he was held back junior year due to depression-induced slacking off, so he has to retake it instead of being allowed to be a senior like was supposed to be. he has a giant crush on dc, but he hates to acknowledge it--especially now that he flunked a grade and dc won their stupid rivalry.

kim nguyen (38): thomas’ ex-wife/remy’s mom. super lesbian. vietnamese. as i said earlier, thomas was not the only one to realize they were not straight until remy. she is the sweetest woman on earth (although, she would say that her wife is). super supportive of remy and virgil and thomas and roman. she’s just... supportive of everyone, tbh. she takes remy on the weekends, and she lives a few towns over with her wife. she and thomas were high-school sweethearts who ended up getting married and settling down before the a-gay-kening happened.

emile picani (38): thomas and roman’s best friend since college. still unsure of his sexuality and gender, but he knows that he's at the very least transmasc! maybe genderfluid? we don’t know babey!!! 6′ even. this man is just so energetic all the time. he’s a huge sweetheart to everyone, and he cares maybe a bit too much about people. he works as a school psychologist. he adopted dc as a baby, and he loves that kiddo so darn much. he never let his childish side fade, which works both to his detriment and favor.

dc picani (17): emile’s son. somewhere on the gay spectrum, also possibly a demi-boy? who knows! not dc, that’s for sure. he’s got heterochromia and a large birthmark that covers most of the left side of his face. so, so smart and athletic. he’s a badass gymnast, and he enjoys art, and he likes learning. he doesn’t really know how his and remy’s rivalry started, but it did, and it never really stopped until remy was held back. he misses the time he spent with remy--even if it was a bit antagonistic. absolutely does not have a crush on remy, duh. can get mad really easily if you push his buttons too much.

#punk!patton au #m writes things #logince #moxiety #remceit

[ierogenvy]

i was tagged by kirsten and arin and liz (bitch i was about to post and saw u also tagged me ily)( @tozierwho and @peachbotttom and @jesusrichie ) thank u i love yall 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

1. are you named after anyone? yes ! my grandmothers were named catherine anne and sarah jane, so i got sarah catherine :) fun fact its all my first name bc the lady at the hospital didnt understand that catherine was supposed to be the middle name :)))) and my dad didnt know that till like two years ago he just thought they had it right but alas.. my whole first name is 14 goddamn letters. also my middle name couldve been margo and i am forever jealous of the alternate universe me that got to be margo 2. when was the last time you cried? literally 20 minutes ago the CGI john lennon in Yesterday got to me 3. do you have kids? no and thank god. theyre all right but not for me 4. do you use sarcasm a lot? my problem is wanna say no but the point is that i use it constantly and it doesnt come across via text 5. what’s the first thing you notice about people? eyes and teeth. 6. what’s your eye color? hazel 7. scary movie or happy ending? whats so bad abt a scary movie with a happy ending ? but scary movie is the answer 8. any special talents? i can sing pretty well and i read really fast 9. where were you born? music city babey! (nashville) 10. what are your hobbies? not doing schoolwork 11. do you have any pets? my nephew drue ! hes a beagle, hes 45lbs, hes 12 years old, and he doesnt listen to commands and i love him with all my heart. he is so dumb 😍😍😍 12. what sports have you played? i played one season each of soccer and basketball as a kid but i didnt like them (dont like 2 run) so then naturally i did marching band for 2 years in hs 13. how tall are you? 5′7′‘ ish 14. favorite subject in school? tie between english and spanish. wait i forgot college is still school. any and every POLS class (political science aka my major lol) 15. dream job? president of the US or world famous singer

im tagging @lvndrpnk @tozierhaders  @michelllejones @amortentialarry @obama @alwaysinmyheartweet and anyone else that wants to !!! 

#dont mind me #tag game #i literally was like 'oh let me check and make sure no one else tagged me' and sure enough #@jesusrichie tagged you #also i may seem irritated but i serisouly love u all so much thank u for tagging me and thinking of me #💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[blackhyena]

@jawnkeets tagged me in 2 text posts!! forgive me babe im gonna skip one of them cause im like 90% sure i did it like a month ago lmao

how to play the game: - answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you - compose 11 questions of your own & tag others! 1. what is your favourite poem and why? im indecisive but im still nuts for Porphyria’s Lover by Robert Browning. its so sinister and im just rock solid for dramatic monologue form tbh. also when we did it at A level there was an illustration on the sheet that deadass looked just like me and it was SPOOKY

2. do you think that shakespeare is the greatest writer of all time? why/ why not? see..... i dont hate shakespeare. shakey boy. hes great. but is he the greatest writer of all time? idk man. maybe im biased bc he’s not my personal favourite but it does get on my nerves a bit that he’s prioritised so much over basically everybody else in the english canon, and that he’s often used as the figurehead for an entire really diverse tradition. nowadays u have to have an interesting new take on him or it just feels very done before. i personally prefer kit marlowe if you’ve gotta take your pick of renaissance playwrights, but macbeth is still a banger

3. is the western canon overrated? it’s not overrated, i’d say it’s just a bit limited. while it’s nice to dwell on things that are familiar and have served as cornerstones of culture they tend to overshadow things that really are worthy of our attention. even today it’s still a very white, male canon and we need to diversify it a bit. we’re in the process of doing it already but like.... More

4. do you prefer galleries or museums? i love BOTH god dont make me choose. though i suppose it depends what they’re museums/galleries of. for instance a pencil museum doesnt exactly rustle my jimmies

5. do you have a favourite period of literature/ art/ music? ROMANTICISM BABEY

6. are the arts and the sciences in opposition? no!! absolutely not! one can totally enhance the other and i hate this false dichotomy. 

7. do you write in books? why/ why not? i do for study reasons when i need to make notes, but when it’s a very special flashy version i am afraid to even breathe in its presence. i have a copy of doctor faustus which is just completely full of doodles and scribbles to the point that it’s difficult to read

8. what city would you most like to visit and why? uhhhh god. edinburgh probably. sounds like my kind of place. i might try and train it up there this year!

9. do you think that photography is art? yes absolutely! 

10. fav figure in greek mythology? hmmm oh god. hecate’s a good one. though eurydice and orpheus might be my favourite myth, love me stories about love and death and the like

11. are memes worthy of study? i think so! just because something’s considered low culture or popular or absurd doesn’t mean it doesn’t bear any kind of reflection of the culture that produced it and i think it’s worthy of attention!

my questions:

1. what’s the best theatre production you’ve ever seen?

2. what would your moral alignment be a la Dungeons and Dragons?

3. what was your favourite book as a child and why?

4. what’s the best outfit you have in your wardrobe?

5. do you like stargazing? if so, what’s your favourite constellation?

6. what was the first album you ever bought with your own money?

7. do you have a favourite piece of classical music? if not, do you have a track you’d like to recommend?

8. do you have a favourite accessory or piece of jewellery?

9. what’s’ your go-to comfort food?

10. if you could travel to any decade of the 20th century, which one would you choose?

11. have you ever performed on stage? if so, what did you do?

im tagging @jawnkeets (it’d be cool to see your answers to these, no pressure to write more of ur own!), @bisexualaudreyhorne, @mad-shelley, @tittymegan, @lgbthannibal, @judlth, @maquistuvok, @simonjpg, @j-eronimo, @ceolfriths <3

#text post

[oracles]

All of the emojis for the sweet and pure asks

DSJFHFDJKHKFJFFF honestly you’re probably like the only person who cares about what i say on here … thank u .. my savior 💖

(obviously imma put this under a cut .. if it doesn’t work on mobile, i apologize in advance aadhjfdkff since when things are under a cut i tend to write long ass rambling answers)

🐰- do you believe in soul mates?

as an utterly hopeless romantic, i certainly want to. i think because of like … insecurities, self hate and stuff (not to get too deep), it’s a comforting idea to me to like Know that there’s someone out there who doesn’t see me the way i do … but realistically? no. i think you gotta realize that relationships are hard and something you have to work to keep healthy and happy and not as magically problem-solving as soulmate tropes make it out to be. so short answer: realistically no, ideally yes. 

💌- diary or journal?

the one i write in is honestly a mix of both, but i think it’s more of a diary. it’s cathartic to write things out when you don’t wanna talk to someone else about it (or in addition to venting to another person) and for the journal aspect of it, i really like looking back on things i did back in the day. i’ve had a diary/journal hybrid since like 2008-ish? so i love that !

✨- which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most?

ooh good question …. there’s a lot! i think i see bits of myself in a lot of characters so there isn’t any One (1) person i relate to the most. shaw from person of interest keeps coming to mind but maybe i’ve just absorbed parts of her, rather than actually being like her so who knows . jessica jones is another one, in some aspects. i think just from those two you can tell the Type of character i not only gravitate towards, but relate to too

💕- are you crushing on someone?

irl? no, i’m not. i have plenty of celebrity crushes though so i can’t even begin to start listing those. honestly most of the celebs i talk about / reblog on here are most likely a crush . to paraphrase an iconic pisces, yeah i’m a love whore and what about it ??? dfjkdhkjff

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain?

both !!!!! but kissing in the dark may be more ideal so i can hide how flustered i probably would be

🐝- describe your aesthetic in emojis

💌💣🌙🥀🖤  less of an aesthetic and more so just emojis i like, i feel like

🍼- what is your favorite memory?

oof … this is a really hard question. honestly, i don’t know. there’s a lot of memorable things. i feel like it’s mainly just the lil things – moments that i look back on that don’t seem like much but are really warm and comforting to reminiscence about (sorry, this isn’t really an answer)

🌸- what is your favorite flower?

a more recent fav but i’ve been really interested in diphylleia grayi / skeleton flowers lately. part of me doesn’t even know if they’re like real, but i’ve written a lot about them lately (and ofc listened to the jonghyun song about it) so i’ve had a sort of attachment to them lately. aside from that, i don’t really have a favorite? i think they’re all pretty

💖- have you ever been in love?

a lot dkjfhkjff probably more of a crush / infatuation than anything else in actuality, i suppose, though. platonically in love, however? absolutely

🍰- strawberry or vanilla?

vanilla, hands down

🍯- describe your favorite smell

ironically, vanilla is a big favorite smell of mine. i think i have a pretty sensitive sense of smell so there’s a lot of different things. i also like tea / coffee smells? idk, just stuff like that. which is part of why i enjoy baking, i think

🎂- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

1) for more wishes … bc im a gremlin

beyond that, i never know what to say for these questions beyond things i obviously want like world peace, ending world hunger, etc etc. like for personal things maybe … like being happy with myself? bc i think my self-image issues hinder me a LOT.

🍪- cookie dough or cookies?

both!!!! i eat the left over cookie dough when i bake but the final product is always really good too. (cookies, if i had to pick one though)

☕- coffee or tea?

tea !!!! don’t really feel like the coffee type of person (aside from enjoying the smell of it)

🍃- would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies?

a forest with fairies, that sounds absolutely lovely

🍂- what’s your middle name?

it’s my dad’s first name

💫- what is your sun, moon, and rising sign?

gemini sun, pisces moon and leo rising

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days?

stay inside in bed with chai. basically just having a lazy day – reading, watching something, etc etc

🍭- how tall are you?

5′7″, though a part of me likes to hypothesize that if my posture wasn’t absolute SHIT my actual height would be 5′8″ (wishful thinking probably, but my posture is bad though)

💒- which show would you want to live in?

the good place was the first one to come to mind but idk about that … they go through a lot of shit and i for sure would just be in the bad place, without a chance of redemption. to appeal my Babey side ……… can i say winnie the pooh or smth (also, im just blanking out on any decent tv show where the universe isn’t one where i will probably instantly DIE in bc of how inept i am)

🎄- what is your favorite holiday?

i often say christmas for this one actually. not because we really celebrate it or anything, i just like the atmosphere around this time of year usually. mostly bc of childhood memories and how fun it was for me then

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite?

i don’t use any, but probably something vanilla-y so im sure there’s holiday candles that fit my taste

🎶- favorite song right now?

not necessarily a favorite (bc i have a LOT), but im listening to pirate king by ateez right now (thanks winnie)

💘- 3 ways to win your heart?

idk !!!!!!! have a good/similar sense of humor to me, listen to what i have to say (and like ….. don’t make me feel like shit or annoying for bringing up my interests or showing you things i think you’ll like), and uhhhhhh maybe like do cute lil romantic things for me ??? im a sucker for that. esp when people remember lil details about me based off what i’ve just casually said, idk .. it’s bare minimum time i guess. i just can’t fathom anyone Wanting to win my heart in the first place so it’s really easy bc im touch and romance starved

🍩- current mood?

okay ? just kinda here – not really happy but not sad either. neutral. procrastinating

❄️- what is your favorite season?

spring because of my birthday and the weather is decent, i guess. though i’ll also nominate winter

💍- your current relationship status?

what you think? .. DJKHFKF SINGLE of course . when have i ever been anything else

📷- a photo of yourself

absolutely not. though i have posted some before (you can click my name in my description to see this ugly minion mug of mine)

💅🏻- do you like being spoiled?

it’s weird because as a concept, yes i absolutely do but in reality, i will feel guilty and bad if anyone spends money on me at all because i don’t think i’m worth that so in practice, i guess i have to abandon my sugar baby dreams

🕊️- 3 habits you have?

1) keysmashing ? dhfkjffjkf like it’s genuinely so instinctual to me that i have to stop and make myself stop before i type it to locals i know or in emails to my teachers. in a similar realm, is my lowercase aesthetic . if only i could type my essays like this

2) saying and typing ‘like’ a lot. i guess i really AM the valley girl that envi says i sound like ………. tis a sad day. i never really noticed how much i do it till i reread old messages

3) not sitting properly. at school i do it obviously, but at home i most often sit cross legged on chairs or with one leg up or something. gay culture, babey ! the amount of times i’ve been told off for sitting “improperly” or “like a man” .. amazing

and bonus 4) being a dumbass. i just felt the urge to say that. don’t expect me to think or say anything intelligent ever. especially if we’re talking irl because my brain will exit immediately and i won’t be able to put a single coherent sentence together. i sound better online than offline, trust me.

🦄- how do you perceive yourself?

i don’t wanna turn this into oversharing emo o’clock but i’ll summarize it in one word … BAD. gremlin and scum are also fitting words. perhaps i have made points sometimes but that’s just after i go to rent-a-brain-cell ‘ r us . otherwise? complete fool . a clown, if you will . don’t get me started on my looks

🦋- how do you think others perceive you?

this is what i REALLY want to know. i have an irrationally strong desire to just know what people think of me. it’s what gives me a self-identity and a better sense of who i am bc idk !!!!!! is my quietness making me look mean ??? who knows ! just how ugly am i actually ???? someone tell me

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys

there’s a lot of things and i’m also feeling lazy to list things. but pretty smiles have always been a huge weakness of mine. and perhaps i have an arm kink ….. like not super muscley arms (i.e: body builder types) but kinda toned/defined ones? NUT . (not a necessity ofc, just a bonus)

🍓- one secret about yourself

well it’s not a secret online, but my sexuality i guess? offline, aside from kendra, no one else knows. beyond that, i wish i had something scandalous i could reveal but im genuinely a boring person

🍒- how do you act when you have a crush?

inside im a mess. usually i just like looking at them and going into my Daydream World (patent pending) to fulfill my romantic desires there. outwardly, i don’t do like anything. idk how obvious i am honestly. i don’t interact with them at all, aside from sneaking glances, bc i am scum !!! and also i lack any confidence whatsoever 

💔- the reason behind your last breakup?

never had one, so this is non-applicable :/

💬- what your last text message says?

to summarize, it was just me in the gc talking about a song i listened to a lot that i saw in my spotify top 100 list thing and about how i recently realized the singer/rapper was malaysian

🎥- what show are you currently binging on?

currently, im not really marathoning anything exactly ? i guess the closest would be blackish, but i haven’t watched that in a hot minute. i’m trying to catch up on it though. 

⛅- what is your morning routine?

usually it’s just get up, brush teeth / wash face, and then change into my clothes for the day and then have breakfast 

💗- who do you miss?

who i used to be ……. :( IM KIDDING . ummm idk, no one really? i guess i miss the people i don’t talk to as much anymore, though it’s really my own fault most of the time since im a horrible communicator 

🥀- last time you cried?

oof i don’t really remember …… like i get emo a lot but i don’t exactly full on cry a lot? one semi-recent time i remember crying was when envi sent us this one song in the gc and it was just really pure and romantic and i got in my feelings about it. funny how my crying works ……. i don’t cry a lot but it can be brought on by the weirdest, most random things

🎁- when is your birthday?

may 29th !!!!!

🔪- scariest/creepiest experience?

not really either (since im not scared of ghosts, though i do kinda believe in them. like i don’t NOT believe in them, but im also not gonna fight someone who doesn’t, y’know?) but long story short – i got smacked in the back of the head (like it felt like a hard slap) once and no one was there/did it. must’ve been the ghost in our apartment. i joke a lot about there being one in our place but i wouldn’t be surprised if there was, with the random stuff that happens sometimes (mostly things just falling). again im no huge believer in ghosts, it’s just whatever to me but getting hit in the back of the head like that was definitely WEIRD. bc it honestly felt like how my little brother hits me but it wasn’t him so …….. hm.

💤- date someone younger, older, or same age as you?

same age or older (not by a lot), probably. being with someone younger makes me feel weird (weirdly, usually with men. like i’ll be more comfortable dating a girl a year younger than me than a guy for example.. for maturity reasons i GUESS). but it depends. if i like someone within a reasonable age range, then i like them. 

🎀- any question you want

you didn’t ask one so n/a (and neither did i in the ask i sent you so rip)

#thank you again !!! :') #userkendra #answered #ask games #about me #long post //

[onlyangcll]

answer all of those questions

okay im gonna do it

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottle

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? 

chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

uh as smart and kind when in reality i never knew what the fuck was happening

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups, or glass cups?

soda bottles

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

can i wear pajamas

7. earbuds or headphones?

earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows 

9. favorite smell in the summer?

the smell after it rains

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

if you though that i ever participated in p.e. in any point of my life ur funny

11. what do you have for breakfast on an average day?

i dont eat breakfast on an average day oop

12. name of your favorite playlist?

u already know blue gang babeys even though it scares me a bit

13. lanyard or key ring?

lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

sour worms 

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

either secret life of bees or fucking of mice and men FUCK 

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

i would prefer laying on the floor tbh

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

u already know my air force 1′s babey

18. ideal weather?

crisp fall day where its under 60 degrees 

19. sleeping position?

usually just laying on my side

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

i’ve been writing in my journal a lot to vent so i guess there bc i dont rlly write other than that

21. obsession from childhood?

hannah montana

22. role model?

my mommy she is amazing

23. strange habits?

idk i bite my nails i dont rlly have that many weird habits

24. favorite crystal?

bruh when i was younger i had this whole crystal obsession and i love amethyst and it is my birthstone

25. what is the first song you remember hearing?

chasing cars 

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

go to the beach which i have only done once this summer because i had a major fucking breakdown after going and it made me not want to go for a while

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

not going outside oop legit just staying inside and watching netflix im a loser

28. five songs to describe you?

i am too lazy to find 5 songs to describe me can i just put yeah! by usher

29. best way to bond with you?

show me pictures of literally any of your animals and i will cry

30. places that you find sacred?

what is this even supposed to mean im confused

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

another question im confused by i will wear sweatpants and a t shirt

32. top five favorite vines?

- lets go to the beach each... ninki minjaj

- godzilla seems like a nice man i, i just wanna take him to red robin

- road work ahead... uh yeah i sure hope it does

- you spilt lipstick in my valentino white bag????

- look at all those chickens!

33. most used phrase in your phone?

me going “oop”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

idk i dont watch much tv or anything to get them stuck but i constantly have pewdiepie’s tuber simulator ad at the end of his videos in a loop in my head

35. average time you fall asleep?

it can be anywhere between 11-7 am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

uhhh idk probably like a minecraft meme or something i have pea sized brain i dont recall

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade babey

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

lemon cake

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

... pen stabbing

41. last person you texted?

audrey?? maybe idk

42. jackets pockets or pants pockets?

pants pockets are weak always jackets pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket, or bomber jacket?

i LIVE in my jean jacket during fall and winter so i would say that

44. favorite scent for soap?

i am a whore for anything vanilla scented

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

fantasy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

i’d say a hoodie and sweats

47. favorite type of cheese?

CHEDDAR

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

watermelon

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

i heard this on a tv show once and it b cheesy as fuck but i love it

“everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever had?

if im being completely tbh i dont think i have ever laughed as hard as i did after anything cat said on the phone the other day

51. current stresses?

everyone in the groupchat has me stressing ab my future 

52. favorite font?

i dont fucking know????? times roman point size 12 double spaced - mrs. christina

53. what is the current state of your hands?

they are pretty freaking cold

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i learned how to fold t shirts properly and to always be scared of men

55. favorite fairy tale?

the little mermaid

56. favorite tradition?

uhh idk anything involving christmas

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

- getting clean from self harm

- coming to the conclusion my dad won’t be there for me

- that i can’t control everything in my life which i still b working on

58. four talents your proud of having?

- i can paint pretty well

- makeup

- kind of can dance

- i cant think of a fourth oop

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

skskkskskskskskks and i oop!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

never have i watched anime

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

shut up about the sun. SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN

62. seven characters you relate to?

this takes too long all i can say is i relate to stiles stillinski on a different level

63. five songs that you would play in your club?

can this stop making me list things i dont have the fucking patience i would play hotel room service by pitt bull and thats it

64. favorite website from your childhood?

animal jam was my shit

65. any permanent scars?

well the thing is yes the thing is i would rather not speak of them

66. favorite flower(s)?

sunflowers

67. good luck charms?

i dont rlly have any

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

i tried these dill pickle flavored chips and wanted to vomit

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

i don’t know many fun facts i small brained

70. left or right handed?

right handed

71. least favorite pattern?

i dont rlly dislike any patterns

72. worst subject?

math

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i will eat almost anything with hot sauce so i guess that

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 

at least a 5 or a 6

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

when i was 6

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

french fries

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

i had cacti for like 2 years but they died,, may they rest in peace

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

considering i don’t eat sushi or any kind of fish i would have to go with coffee

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i don’t have a license so i guess school ID

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies

82. pc or console?

pc

83. writing or drawing?

drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts

85. fairy tales or mythology?

i am a whore for mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies

87. your greatest fear?

bugs

88. your greatest wish?

to be a fucking cowboy

89. who would you put before everyone else?

i think u already know the answer to that

90. luckiest mistake?

my mistakes don’t end up lucky

91. boxes or bags?

boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

christmas lights but all year long

93. nicknames?

jill, jilly bean, jillie, jilly pops (that one is cat), beans, dumb bitch

94. favorite season

FALL BABEY

95. favorite app on your phone?

instagram probably

96. desktop background?

considering this is not my computer,, it is just default

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

i have one memorized and it is mine

98. favorite historical era?

i like the one with the dinosaurs

[noobsurveys]

who was the last person who unexpectedly texted you? driver teacher what was the last thing you carried to your room? water bottle when’s the next time you’ll be drinking? saturday Looking forward to something this weekend? drinking w my buds Has anyone smoked in your car? i cant drive but i’ve been in smoke cars yes

which class are you doing the worst in? chemistry best thing that happened to you this summer? got closer to my friends. kinda overcame alcoholism. do you think if you want a guy’s attention engaging him then ignoring him works? uh nah i think you should actively engage with people ur interested in something you wish your parents would let you do: i can do mostly whatever i want do you like people that remind you of yourself? yeah my best friend is very much alike myself. but i think all kinds of people can be fun. Do you donate anything? no Is there anyone you are holding a grudge against? not that i can think of Is there anyone holding a grudge against you? probably!!

Did you get into and attend your first choice college? probably wont!! When was the first moment you discovered love? guess i discovered familial love pretty early. platonic friendly love a bit late but when i did i fell hard. i dont think i understand romantic love yet, but i’ll get there eventually. How long has it been since you’ve ridden a school bus? couple of months. though around 3 years since i used to ride them regularly. What do you think of frogs? i think they’re pretty neat but i do get a bit frightened when they suddenly appear out of nowhere with their little legs Whats the worst Christmas present you’ve ever gotten? probably uhh socks or nasty candy What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they wanted to wake up to you every morning? i’d be a bit dumbfounded since that’s really unexpected! but happy, sure, thats very sentimental and nice. i’d feel pressured though, i wouldnt want to make a committment just based on someones sudden love (infatuation) confession.

Are you the person to open a box of cereal just to get the toy inside? we never had cereal toys in my country

Do you get scared easy? not really. i can get paranoid and anxious on rare occasions.

What was one of the stupidest things you cried over when you were little? time passing. it still makes me tear up tbh i dont think i’ll ever learn how to deal with how short life is and how people will walk out of your life never to be seen again. past moments will never be experienced again. nothing will be the same, for better or worse.

Have you ever drank milk from the carton? i take a swig every morning

Juice or milk? juice for booze

Do you ever turn off your computer properly? tbh i’ve been slacking on that lol

Do you wish you were a fish? no

Who’s your favorite super hero? not a big superhero person! i guess iron man or spiderman

Who’s your favorite super villian? t h a n o s

Spiderman or X-men? Spiderman

Movie theatre or stay at home movie night? home

Do you have a Blue Ray? no but i think my lil netflix box can play blurays

How about HD television? yes

Do you think HD television is kind of a waste of money? nahh not if you have people over often. kind of a bummer to watch movies on a computer.

Do you get why people get so fricken freaked out during football season? i understand the nationalistic exitement but i dont understand the absolute freakouts some people have over it

Do you ever sneak scraps to the dog even though you’re not suppose to? only when i spill stuff on the floor

Are you reading a book right now? If so what? not a big book person

What was the last book you were required to read for school? hunger by knut hamsun

O donuts or jelly filled? o i guess but donuts are kinda gross

Do you like your icecream in a bowl or cone? bowl

Marshmellows in your hot chocolate or no? no

Do you like cherry coke? No.

Do you really think diet Dr. Pepper is the equivalent of a cupcake? never tasted it, i imagine its gross

Do you snore in your sleep? Drool? Talk? i think i snore a bit, to my great shame. i fucking hate snoring.

Have you ever sleep walked? not that i know of

Are you a morning person? depends on how well rested i am

How do you wake up in the mornings? alarm clock, parents wake me, or by myself (rare)

Do you think guyliner is hot? it can be

Is variety the spice of life? absolutely, but “same old” has a special place in my heart

Do you think strawberry milk is disgusting? yep

Have you ever drank after anyone? sharing drinks? yeah all the time

Have you ever drank after anyone you don’t know very well? yeah i tend to ask strangers for a sip and offer them some of mine oops

Do you have any limits on who you drink/eat after? not after like... drooly children or elderly people. or people i think are gross in general.

Would you eat a sucker if someone already ate some of it? uh really depends on who it was

Would you chew somebody elses gum? i’d have to know them very well! but i dont see the point

Do you enjoy school? i like the social aspect of it... and it’s fun when i do well but uhh im getting a bit tired.

Are you a teacher’s pet? sometimes, unintentionally. teachers love me for some reason.

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? all the time babey

What’s more important? Beauty or brains? well you gotta have some beauty for me to wanna get to know your brain. but ultimately personality is more important. i dont think “brains” as in supreme intellectual is really any important.

Do you believe in yourself? ah well in certain areas. been losing some motivation about my future professional life n shit.

Did you ever want to be an astronaut when you were little? oh yes, still kinda do

How about the president? no, ew

What did you want to be when you were little? rich and funny

Did you ever want to be a super model? no that seems really stressful

Do you believe your attractive enough to be a super model? haha no maybe if i went skellymode. you dont really need a gorgeous face to model, just the right body type and aesthetic. but im too clumsy and awkward when i walk to be on the catwalk.

Have you ever had an X-ray? yeah when i was in a car crash. totally unnecessary i just did it to skip school.

What’s your favorite guy’s name? What’s your favorite girl’s name? really havent thought about it. i like classic names from my country though.

Do you laugh to yourself whenever the ketchup bottle farts? nah fam

Do you have any real guns in your house? only softguns and airsnipers

What do you want to be next Holloween? 80s coke dealer

Are you a pyro? i enjoy flames and i’ve had a little history of setting fire to shit but im not a pyro

What was the last word/thing you wrote down? this shit. physically, chemistry notes.

Sleeping or eating? white bitch never eat, never sleep. nah but sleep is more important for my functioning i guess.

Are you overall a positive person? yeah i tend to always look on the bright side of things, to other peoples annoyance. i’ve been described as naive and unrealistic but hey, it’s all gonna be fine man dont worry.

Do you hate hypocrites? i do find it annoying.

Do you like to prank people? not mean pranks but a little goof is always welcome

Is vacuum spelled funny? haha cum

Democrat or republican? fuck american politics. im near-centre purple on the compass.

Who’s the biggest asshole you know? my dog Pen or pencil? pen

Should all paper have holes? doesnt matter, can just punch one in

Have you ever been in a fist fight? yeah

Ever said something to someone that you didn’t mean to say? of course

Do you forgive too easilly? yeah i guess. it takes a lot to make me really dislike a person to the point of not forgiving their shortcomings/mistakes.

What are you listening to right now? zero

Are you tan? not really

Ever had a sunburn? yeah i always get them on my cheeks, it sucks

What was the first word you learned how to say? mama or papa

What was the last thing that upset you? chemistry exam What is something you are behind on? chemistry exam

Do you feel de-valued? meh maybe sometimes but im probably not Are you wearing winter clothes or summer clothes today? jeans and a cozy lil sweater! more wintery What is your favorite winter drink at Starbucks? only time i went to starbucks i got a plain iced coffee. so that.

Do you buy or make your Christmas cards? both Do you regret things often, or do you make the right decisions for you? i regret many things after some afterthought. in the moment i think i make good desicions but it often comes back to bite me in the ass when i realized i was wrong. At what time does it get dark in the winter where you live? like 3-4 lol Is there anyone that you miss and wish you could re-connect with? we’re still connected but i miss the very close friendship i had with my elementary school bestie Are you scared of disappointing people? yeah some people. but not most people, they can be disappointed as much as they want. Has the fear of disappointing others ever made a decision for you? sure What color are the last pair of gloves you bought? black and white, present for mom

What was the last thing you wore that was leopard print? cant remember. probably an accessory Do you decorate for Christmas? yeah i like to spruce my room up What color is your tree? pine tree color Would you rather be an elf or a unicorn? elf, who the fuck wanna be a horse Do you wonder why unicorns are suddenly a craze? hello, “2009″

Do you own Christmas pajamas? i wish for new ones every year and every year i end up ripping them What time of year do you start listening to Christmas music? after december exams Do you make your own ornaments? nahh Does it snow where you live? yeah alot What is something you do daily? chat with my friends, moisturize, doodle Do you like it when it snows in December? yeah it’s a necessity for the christmas mood Are you hoping for a white Christmas? yes and im gonna get one How old were you when you found out Santa wasn’t real? like 6? Are you good or bad at saying no to people and canceling plans when needed? i really dont like to cancel and say no because it fucking sucks when people do that to me, but i know how to put my foot down. What color are your snow boots? my snow nike running shoes? white

Are you an addict? used to be an alcoholic, now im just mildly addicted to nicotine