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mlove44lh · 1 year

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For a lifetime Part II - En/USA version

Part I here

Warnings: NSFW, +18, smut, angst, fluff, original character.

Words: 12.486

Summary: Lewis and Angie met in their childhood and after a short time they were already inseparable, the relationship escalated and soon they became more than friends. But life happened to both and they ended up following different paths. Nine years later they meet again. Is all that love really gone?

Notes: Some events are out of chronological order.

To read the second part, it is not necessary to have read the first, but you might not understand some things.

August 2015

I adjusted the necklace with my initial on my chest and took one last look in the mirror. The red lipstick highlighted my lips in a way that I wasn't sure if it was pretty or obscene. But I tried to push that thought away since I had already changed my lipstick 3 times in the last few minutes.

-Calm down. -I whispered to myself as I stared at my reflection.

I was still in disbelief at everything that had happened in my life, everything had gone so well in the last few years, but I didn't think it would reach this point. Being part of the creative direction of a brand the size of Valentino is much more than I dreamed of. But here I am, in London, my new home since the last year, working with much more than I dreamed of. The work is wonderful, and even though I don't use my own designs, I help manage everything that involves the brand and the collections.

When all that happened between me and Lewis, for a moment I thought that my plan was not going to work, I was afraid of having given up the best thing in my life for a dream far from coming true. It was hard at first and to this day I think a lot about how it could have been, but I don't regret for a second the decision I made, even though it hurt for years.

I needed the maturity that time brings to be able to remember Lewis with a smile on my face, and I admit that I haven't stopped cheering for him at any moment in all this time. Seeing him win 2 world titles and go on his way to 3rd makes me the happiest and proudest person in the world. But I know that our story had an end, and it took me a while to accept that, but eventually, it happened, I was able to make peace with my decision and the end of our relationship. And today I only feel gratitude for everything we've experienced together.

I took out my phone and checked for one last time the address of the location where the cocktail presentation of the new Valentino collection would take place. As much as I've been at this job for a while, I still haven't gotten used to all the extravagance around it, cocktails like this are something I don't know if I'll ever get used to.

❀

I got out of the car and thanked the driver before closing the door, I looked at the large building and felt intimidated by its size. The marble stairs and columns of the hall only showed a little of all the majesty contained within the place. All the decorations in the party hall were in the beautiful shade of Valentino pink and I couldn't imagine anything more than such good taste.

It didn't take me long to find my coworkers near the bar, the place was full and I didn't know most of the people. There were guests, employees, and other stylists from all over the world. Valentino didn't skimp a bit on this cocktail.

-Angie! -I had left my colleagues and gone to explore the hall when I heard his voice calling me.

-Paolo, my dear! How are you?

Paolo is the head director of Valentino, he was the one who discovered me in Paris and called me to work for his brand, and over time we ended up becoming great friends.

-Oh I'm good. Everything is perfect. -Paolo handed me his arm, which I accepted. We started to walk together through the hall. -What a wonderful dress, I wonder what talented hand signed it.

I chuckled at his statement and patted my hand lightly on his. My dress screams Valentino.

-The best of all, of course.

Paolo was leading me around the room and he seemed to be looking for someone.

-Come bella, I want to introduce you to our main model of this new collection.

-I thought we would keep on with Miles, no?!

-Oh no, I think this new collection deserves someone with more…Personality, you know? And luckily we managed to find someone that is perfect for the job.

I was looking at Paolo while walking, so when we got to that person, I didn't notice who it was until I heard his name.

-Lewis, let me introduce you to our creative director. - He turned to us and I could see the panic in his eyes as he landed on me. I wasn't any different. No fucking way. -Angie, this is Lewis Hamilton. You must know him, great formula 1 driver, and our newest model for the new campaign.

Oh no.

No.

Please no.

The pain I was feeling in my feet because of the high heels disappeared from one second to another. Suddenly I don't feel anything anymore, the huge hall became a small room the moment I realized who was in front of me. I squeezed Paolo's arm unconsciously, I have no idea how my face is at that moment, but if my shock is showing, I'm letting everyone know how surprised I am to see him again.

I feel like I might pass out, it's like all my blood has been drained from my body, I'm freezing, trying to process everything and not end up throwing up right here in front of everyone.

Lewis looks so different. But at the same time, he looks exactly the same person I left at Stevenage nine years ago. It's almost an insult to how the passage of time has only served to make him even more attractive.

I want to run out of this room and not look back, but at the same time, I could also stay here for hours, looking at him and marking in my mind everything that changed in his body and everything that remains exactly the same. Like his eyes, those beautiful eyes that I would recognize anywhere in this world and at any moment in my life, those same eyes that cried with me, and that same lips that made me promises in vain.

I want to cry, I want to hug him and then punch him. All at once. But of course, I won't do any of those things, instead, I'll just stand here, looking at him and pretending that I'm fine and that the memories of years ago don't affect me anymore. I was very wrong to make myself believe that I could get over this man who is now standing right in front of me.

I can't stop looking at him, but from my peripheral vision I can feel Paolo's gaze beside me, burning me, I know I have to do something, but I don't know how. But then Lewis does it for me, and I see his hand move from the side of his body, and extend it in front of me, waiting for a handshake.

-Nice to meet you, Angie.

Wait a second. What? He will pretend he doesn't know me? If I looked confused before, it's only increased now. Why would he do that?

why the fuck is he acting like he doesn't know me??

I was static and it took a little push from Paolo to bring me back to reality. I quickly shake his hand, trying not to stay in contact with him any longer than necessary. And hoping my shaking hands would go unnoticed by him and Paolo

-The pleasure is mine.

I don't know why I didn't deny it either, I could have said something but I didn't. I just followed his game, whatever it is. I don't want to extend this one second longer than necessary.

Lewis smiles at me, which makes my stomach churns with anxiety, that's not his smile, I know him. That smile now is like a programmed, studied, and rehearsed smile. I was there when the smiles were real and unscarred, I spent hours on end looking at that smile and laughing with it, analyzing every detail of its features when there was just enough happiness in it for me to tattoo in my mind. And there's a big difference to that smile now. I hope with all my heart that this is a consequence of his nervousness and not a change that came with these years we spent apart. It would be mean to the world for people not to have the opportunity to see the perfection of his true smile.

I don't smile back at him, if I try to curl my lips into a smile the chances are I'll get the exact opposite and start crying.

I can hear Paolo's voice in the background, but when I start to pay attention Paolo has already stopped talking and is now looking at me with a face that I can't interpret as being too angry or too embarrassed, either way, I can see it in his face how screwed I am.

-Yes. I can't wait to start working with you, I've already had the opportunity to see some pieces, and from what I believe it will be a great collection. -Lewis says looking intently at Paolo. At this point, I no longer know if the question was directed at me or Lewis.

They start talking about the brand, but I can't pay attention to anything. I took my eyes off Lewis and since then the noise in my mind seems to have gotten even bigger. I don't take long to find an excuse and get out of there.

I go to the bathroom and lock the door, the high collar of my dress manages to make me feel even more suffocated, I take one, two, twenty breaths before trying to get my thoughts in order. This is not right, he is a formula 1 driver, I work in the fashion industry, and our paths would never cross, I know that. I thought about it for a long time. I planned my steps so as not to run into his, it was supposed to be a safe field and away from Lewis. Why is this happening? Why now? Just when I was thinking less about us, imagining us less. Suffering less for us.

Us...

And now it's all gone, all the effort I've made to get him out of my mind, and he appears right in front of me, in flesh, blood, and Valentino.

I should have been part of the decision for the new model. I think about talking with Paolo that I don't like Lewis as our principal model, but I couldn't do that, and it's too late for a change like that anyway. I even think about resigning, but that is out of the question, not when it took me years to live this dream, and not because of a ghost from my past that I insisted on keeping alive.

At the end of the day, I'll just have to deal with it and live the next few weeks running from Lewis. And just thinking about it makes me feel suffocated again.

I take out my phone and check the notifications, I come across an angry Paolo in my messages.

"What’s wrong with you?"

"Why did you treat our model that way, Angie? Are you insane?"

"You're lucky I love you and your work is phenomenal, otherwise I swear you were out. I'm so pissed at you."

-Shit.

God, I could scream right now, everything happening all at once. I type and delete a reply to Paolo several times, not sure what to say to him. What excuse can I make for what just happened?

"Sorry, I don't know what just happened to me. I promise it won't happen again."

I send the message to Paolo and check the hours before locking my phone screen. Two more hours and I can go home. Two more hours, that's all, and I'll go home, throw myself under the covers, and never come out.

I leave the bathroom and go back to where I was before my night turned into this craziness.

-Can I have a whiskey on the rocks? -I ask the bartender as soon as I lean against the bar counter. He didn't take long to serve my drink. I swallow all of the amber liquid in a few sips, the burn of the alcohol going down my throat doesn't have the immediate effect I'd like it to, I can still feel my whole body tense. I don't think even an alcoholic coma could calm me down at this moment.

The bar is emptier, most people are now on the dancefloor. I try to spot Lewis but he's nowhere to be seen, I want to make sure I'm at a safe distance from him.

After putting down my glass on the marble counter, I get off the stool and walk outside, which is even emptier. I light a cigarette and try to dissipate him from my mind. Don't blame me, 4 years in Paris makes anyone a smoker.

I try with all the tactics I've developed over the years to put him out of my thoughts. Even after all this time I still haven't found the secret formula for it.

I smell him before I hear his voice, the smell that's been imbued in my brain since the last hour when we meet again. His new fragrance is enjoyable, certainly an expensive perfume that he can now afford it without any difficulty.

-That's not a healthy habit. As I recall you hated that sort of thing.

I turn to face him.

-Oh, so you remember me.

He gives me a wanton half-smile that makes me mad.

- I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say there. I don't want people to start to assume anything.

Pretentious.

-And why would people start to assume anything? -I put out my cigarette and throw it into the ashtray beside me.

His half-smile disappears. He doesn't answer me. I wait a few seconds before realizing that that was the end of our conversation.

So I walk past him to head back into the party.

I feel his fingers wrap around my wrist and

by the surprise of the contact, I stop immediately to look at him. Lewis is inches away from me now, and if it weren't for the whiskey and the cigarette I would probably already exploded from the tension by now.

He's so close, too close to make me intoxicated, too close to stop me from thinking clearly.

-Let's talk. Please. -His voice is so low that I have to think twice if he really just said that, or if it was just my imagination.

-We don't have anything to talk about, Lewis.

I calmly let go of him and start climbing the stairs to enter the hall.

-We meet again like this, after all this time, after everything we've had, our whole history. Don't you think it means something?

I laugh at his comment. I go down the few steps I managed to climb before being interrupted and return to the position I was before.

-It means you agreed to be a model for the brand I work for and now I'm going to have to deal with you for weeks until this is all over. That's all it means. -I went back up the stairs while holding my dress so I wouldn't end up stepping on it. How dare he say that kind of thing when I was the one suffering for him while he was with someone else this whole time? I turned myself to him one last time. -And we didn't have anything. No “history” at all, Lewis, for God's sake. We're childhood sweethearts that ended up nowhere.

I leave Lewis behind and return to the party even more nervous. It doesn't take long for the cocktail party to end and everyone starts to leave the area. I was already leaving the place when Paolo pulls me to the corner.

-Are you okay? What happened there?

Paolo doesn't look nervous anymore, he looks at me with curiosity.

-I am. I'm sorry about that, I really don't know what happened to me. I already managed to apologize to him too. -Lie.

-Yes, I saw you talking out there. -Shit. I didn't need one more thing to worry about today -Do you guys know each other?

-No. -I lie. - I've seen him before but we've never been introduced.

I wish like never before that Paolo had not heard our discussion, I don't know how I would explain to him everything that happened. But Paolo doesn't seem to have any doubts about my answer, and that calms me down.

He nodded and was already walking away from me when I called him back.

-Paolo.- I didn't think I would have the audacity to ask him that. -Why didn't I participate in the meeting to decide on the new model? I should have participated, it's part of my job.

-Cause there was no meeting. He was the one who offered to be a model, and we just accepted. I didn't know that this could be a problem for you.

I freeze for a second before answering him. Why would Lewis do that? Of all the brands in the world and he offers fair sponsorship with Valentino. I can't help but think he already knew he'd find me here, and thinking about that makes my stomach churn.

-No. It's not. I was just curious.

I smile trying to hide my perplexity from Paolo.

-Alright. See you on Monday then.

I say goodbye to Paolo and head out of the hall. Still confused. Still unable to believe everything that just happened.

I get in the car and greet the driver. I thank heaven for the end of the night, I close my eyes and wait for the car to start moving, but instead what happens is the door next to me opens. I look at who it is and I can't believe who I find getting in the seat next to mine.

-No fucking way. -At this point, I'm not even trying to keep my composure anymore.

-There are no more cars available and my hotel is close to your destination so they put us together. -Lewis slams the door and settles down next to me.

-No more cars available? In such a huge event like this? And you want me to believe that?

-I do. Because I'm telling the truth. I would call a taxi but we're in the middle of nowhere, it's two in the morning and I'm tired.

I'm too physically and emotionally exhausted to do anything, so I stay in my seat and hope the time passes quickly. Even before the car leaves I close my eyes and pretend I'm sleeping so I don't have to talk to him. But even with my eyes closed I can feel his gaze on me and it makes me mad with anger.

-Stop it. -I say with my eyes closed.

-Stop with what?

-Staring at me, stop it.

-I just want to be able to talk to you and explain myself.

-Why? For what? -I don't want to open my eyes and have to deal with him. In that way, I can pretend this is all just a dream.

-Cause I know how much it hurts you, and it hurt me too. And I want to be able to explain myself and make you understand my side of it all.

I opened my eyes finally facing the reality standing next to me.

-I think you're a little too late for that. -Lewis looked the most serious I had ever seen in my life, and with every word that came out of my mouth, his attention seemed redoubled. -You never came after me for anything. And after that last call, I stopped to exist in your life. And you just appeared now by an unfortunate coincidence of fate.

-Stop it, Angie.

-Stop with what? -My voice is higher now.

-Stop treating me like that.

I laugh in an amused tone, even though I'm not amused at the moment.

-You treated me much worse than that.

I could barely look at him anymore. Suddenly all those sensations from the beginning invaded me, everything that I thought was healed was shown to be even more harmed. I open the window in a frustrated attempt to breathe better inside that car.

-For someone who says we had nothing, you seem to be pretty upset.

I glared at him when I heard those words.

- Forget it, Lewis.

-No. Please. I want to listen to you, and I want you to listen to me. Let’s do this. But with a clear head. Let me take you to lunch tomorrow.

-Forget about it. No. You lost your chance.

-Please. Please, that's all I ask of you. We're going to have to deal with each other for the next few weeks. Let's at least try to work it out and get out of this situation as friends.

My laugh echoed through the car.

-Friends?! Do you really think there's any chance of us being "friends" someday?

-Stop being defensive. -He's angry too. I can see it in his eyes. I don't know if he's angry at the situation or me. But I hope he's angry at himself.

-It was you who put me here. It was you who did this to me.

His expression changed to concern.

-I'm sorry.

-Listen Lewis. Here is the thing. Let's act like we really don't know each other. Let's deal with each other during these weeks and when it's finally over, we go live our lives like we were doing until today.

We get in silence for a couple of minutes, I thought the conversation was finally over, but it didn't take long for him to go back to talking.

-Just a lunch. And I promise I'll leave you alone. Just have lunch with me tomorrow so we can talk. -Lewis looks at me with a puppy face that I didn't know was capable on the face of a man in his 30s. -I'm a different person now. And so are you.

I sigh in defeat and finally give in to his request, I just want him to be quiet.

-Okay. A lunch. And nothing more.

-Perfect. Nothing more.

Suddenly he can't keep his smile to himself. Me on the other hand come back to close my eyes and wait for the end of the trip.

It doesn't take long for the driver to stop in front of the building where I live. I thank him and get out of the car. I hear the other door slam as well and I know that Lewis has come after me.

-This building looks great. -He says while pulling his hands in his pockets.

-It's not mine. My boyfriend lives here.

A huge lie, there is no boyfriend. After Lewis, I had only a few relationships that didn't pass from a one-night stand that didn't result in anything. The truth is that I never felt the way I was used to feel by his side. And when I learn that nobody could ever take his place in my life, I just gave up trying. But obviously, I won't admit this to him. And besides that, I wanted to see what would be his reaction to the false information.

-Oh. -He couldn't even hide it. It's ridiculous that he would even consider getting upset over something like that. We are complete strangers now. -I understood.

I give him a forced smile. At least one point for me tonight.

-So. Anyway. At what time I can pass to pick you up tomorrow?

As soon as possible so that this ends soon.

-I don't know.

-Noon sounds good?

-Yes. Noon it's fine.

-Okay. Deal. See you tomorrow.

I saw him returning to the vehicle and watched him leaving the street. I take a deep breath, already regretting my decision.

❀

How to look stunning without seeming like you've spent hours trying?

Not that I've spent hours trying. It's just that... Whatever.

It's past noon. I've always hated being late, but this time I confess it's kind of on purpose. There's no message on my phone because I didn't get to give him my number yesterday. We agreed it would just be a simple lunch, there's no reason for him to have any form of contact with me.

I should change this outfit, all this blue is not matching. But anyway it's ridiculous to put that much effort into it.

I grab my purse and look at myself in the mirror one last time.

Blue will have to do.

I find Lewis leaning against his car at the entrance of the building. His casual outfit makes him even more attractive than he was yesterday. Now in the sunlight, I can see even more details, I notice the tattoos on his skin and how they only add to the fearless aura he's adopted over the last few years. As much as he looks completely changed, I still see that boy in front of me, so it's hard for me to believe in this whole new person he built.

-You look beautiful.

-Thank you. -He didn't realize I spent too much time getting ready, did he? He's just being nice. -Sorry I'm late.

-Don’t worry. Can we go? -Lewis opens the door of his car and waits for me to get in.

-Where are we going? Cause there's a restaurant around the corner that is amazi...

-Actually. -He cuts me off mid-sentence, leaving me gesticulating in the air. -I already have everything planned.

-Oh...Okay then.

I get in the car and wait for him. Allowing my ex-boyfriend who I haven't seen in 9 years take me somewhere "surprise" is as scary as it sounds.

We've been traveling the streets of London for some time now, the silence inside this car it's loud, not embarrassing, but it's like there's an elephant in the back seat that neither of us wants to talk about it.

-You still drive a manual. -I say, cutting the silence.

Lewis laughs before answering me. The first laugh from him I've heard in person in 9 years, and it sounds exactly the same. That's his real smile, without any mask, I'm happy to see it's still there.

-Of course. If I don't shift gears, it doesn't even feel like I'm actually driving.

-Apparently, that hasn't changed.

-A lot of things stay exactly the same, Angie. -He looks at me, taking his attention off the road for a few seconds. I feel myself burning in my seat and try not to make eye contact with him for those few seconds.

-You seem calmer. -Lewis waited a while to talk to me again. Maybe he was waiting for an answer.

-I had more time to try to understand the situation.

-So? What conclusion did you come to?

-That the universe hates me.

Lewis's smile faded and I immediately felt bad about it. As much as he hurt me, I don't want to be mean to him. What happened was a long time ago and I know better than anyone how time can change people, I do believe he is a completely different person than the one who did that to me. Anyway, I knew what was going to happen, I have no right to get mad and take it out on Lewis, not after nine years of all that shit.

I don't apologize to him. But I promised myself that I would try to be pleasant.

Lewis took the highway and we were moving for a while, I wasn't paying attention to the road until we passed the London exit.

-Lewis, why are we leaving London? Where are we going?

-Calm down. You will see it soon. Another 40 minutes and we get there. But you'll figure it out before that.

-You're not going to kill me and throw me on the side of the road, are you?

Lewis laughed before answering me.

-Naah. My time is too precious to spend that way. If that were the case, I would pay someone to do the job or something. -I giggled at him and slapped his arm lightly. -Relax. I think you'll like it.

I took the freedom to turn on the radio but regretted it as soon as I did. The melody of in my place by Coldplay started to play through the vehicle. I was washed over again by memories of years ago. My laugh from seconds before was replaced by sadness, I promised myself that I wouldn't think about what could have become of us anymore, but it's impossible when he's right next to me, humming a song that we used to listen to and sing together all the time.

Calm down. It's just lunch. In a few hours, this comes to an end.

I started to get anxious when I realized which way Lewis was going. Suddenly the highways began to feel more familiar. I was already out of breath, and when we passed the sign that indicated the arrival in the city, I was restless.

-Lewis, why did you bring me here? -I had difficulty speaking, and my voice came out in a whisper.

-I thought it would be a good idea. Remember the old times.

There was joy in his voice as if being back at Stevenage by my side didn't bring him all the suffering it brings me.

I look outside and try to focus on the streets of Stevenage, it's been so long since the last time. I don't come here too often cause everything in this town reminds me of Lewis and our moments together. If I want to see my parents,

I always end up sending tickets for them to come to visit me.

We passed my old neighborhood, then his. I don't know where exactly he's taking me, but it's already clear that he wants to go through all of "our" places before talking to me. It didn't take long before Lewis parks the car, and only then I do realize where we are.

-Is this place still up? -It's the first thing I've said since we entered the city.

-Of course. Tony's is the best place in town. -We used to come here all the time. Lewis would pick me up at the school exit and drive me here religiously every week, sometimes more than once. -We used to come all the time, remember?

I nodded without looking at him. How could I forget? We spent our best moments here, eating cheese pizza and reading old copies of the Rolling Stones magazine that Tony kept in the back of the little diner.

Lewis gets out of the car but I stay there a little longer, trying to prepare myself for God knows what's going to happen next. I'm taken out of my thoughts with Lewis opening the passenger door, my stare that until then was fixed on the facade of the place goes to him, who is bent towards me, holding out his hand and waiting for me to get out of the car. I take his hand and I don't know how, but I manage to keep myself firmly on the ground as I get out of the vehicle.

I cut off our contact as soon as I exit the vehicle. Lewis gesticulates for me to go ahead of him, which I do. I take slow steps until I reach the diner entrance door.

I can't remember the exact moment I realized over 10 years ago that I was in love with Lewis. But I remember all the times I looked at him and got butterflies in my stomach, I remember all the times I thought "this can't be" when it came to my feelings for him. And a lot of those moments were here, after class, sitting next to him watching him talk about some weird band he was into at the time. Him bringing me here, after all this time, is such a low blow. Very low blow.

I knew accepting this lunch wouldn't be a good idea, I know I won't be strong enough to say no if Lewis decides he wants to be part of my life again in any way. Not here, not at Tony's.

I walk into the restaurant and it's like I've gone back in time, I know this place has become traditional here in Stevenage, but keeping everything exactly the same that way is bizarre. Even the colors are the same. The beige walls that were out of fashion 13 years ago are still intact.

Lewis comes right behind me and I can see how that took him by surprise too.

-They didn't even change that stool that sticks the ass of everyone who sits on it. - He whispered close to my ear.

The sound of my loud laughter echoed throughout the place. There was hardly anyone there, but I ended up drawing unnecessary attention thanks to Lewis's joke. But he didn't look angry, on the opposite, he started laughing with me.

We went up to the counter and saw Tony coming out of the back of the store. Tony is one of the few things here that have changed. When we used to come here, he was a middle-aged guy, too skinny, and he had a huge mustache that covered his mouth. He's much older now, with a protruding belly and gray hair, but the mustache is still there. Tony came over to us with a frown.

-Good afternoon. Are you guys ready to order? -His features immediately changed as soon as he laid his eyes on us. -My God. Angie?!

-Hi Tony. - I feel shy about his reaction.

-And this boy. No. It can not be. Lewis? Is that you son?

-Yes sir. In flesh and blood.

Lewis came out from behind me and walked over to the old man, giving him a handshake.

-Oh, it's great to see you two. It seems like it was only yesterday that you came here almost every day to test my patience. So does that mean you guys are still together? How life is. When is it supposed to be...

-No Tony. - I interrupted him. If he keeps saying these things I'm going to freak out. -Actually, we met again yesterday after a long time. And for some reason, Lewis thought it would be a good idea to bring me here today.

Tony turned red, probably embarrassed by this situation. But definitely not as embarrassed as I am right now. Both Tony and Lewis stare at me without knowing what to say.

-So. Can we order now? - I asked trying to get their attention back.

-Yes of course. -Lewis says while going back to where he was before going to the other side of the counter to greet Tony.

-Let's see. Two large slices? What flavor?

-Cheese. Obviously. -I said smiling are the man. Lewis nodded behind me.

-Okay. Your table is free, you can go there. I'll bring the food in a minute.

-Thanks, Tony. -We say in unison and walk to "our table", which is right in the corner of the restaurant, near the large glass window.

Anxiety comes back to me as soon as I sit down and face Lewis. Lewis sat in the back while I sat in the front seat. We decided on these places when we were 14 years old, and after all this time we're still loyal to them. It's impossible to look at Lewis now and not see that boy that I fell in love with, with the addition of braids and tattoos, but still, it's Lew.

Lewis picks up the menu on the table and starts flipping through it, he looks relaxed, the complete opposite of me right now.

-What are you doing? -Lewis takes his gaze off the menu and directs it at me.

-Choosing something to drink.

-No. What are you doing? Why did you bring me here, Lewis?

My voice doesn't come out as calm as I'd like, I don't think even if I tried hard I could sound less nervous than I am. My hands are clenched so tightly together that I'm already cramping.

-I told you why.

-No. You gave me a half-baked explanation that I didn't believe for a second. -Lewis lowers the menu and starts paying full attention to me. And I don't know if that's better or worse. -It's not like I'm an old friend that you lost contact with. We ended things, and it wasn't even in a friendly way. I'm just trying to understand what the hell you're doing.

-Maybe it wasn't a good idea to bring you here.

His voice is lower than normal.

-Maybe not. But here we are.

Lewis no longer looks at me. His stare is now at my hands. I take a deep breath before asking the question.

-Lewis. - He turns his gaze back to me. -Why did you come back?

I can feel my eyes burning, I can't let myself cry, but here in this place, and with him, I want to burst into tears.

-Because I realized I should have never left.

I look at him in disbelief, I can feel my vision beginning to blur because of the insistent tears, but I soon wipe my eyes, not letting him see for one more second the effect he is having on me.

-Here it is kids, Two large slices of cheese.

I didn't even notice Tony coming towards us. I don't look at him while he serves us. I look at Lewis, trying to digest what I'd just heard, trying not to freak out right here, and ended up walking back to London. Lewis thanks Tony and then turns his eye to me. He looks just as scared as I am, as if he's shocked by his own spoken words. I'm static, a million thoughts run through my mind, I need a few seconds to try to put everything in order and answer Lewis.

-Do you realize how mean this is to me?

I lean back in my chair, pulling myself distant from him, unconsciously trying to feel safer.

-It's just the truth.

He also looks perplexed, his eyes sparkle but there is also a lot of sadness in the black orbs staring at me.

-I don't want that, that truth doesn't interest me anymore, Lewis. Do you have any idea how I was? The state that you left me in after all?

The memories I try to forget come back in maximum intensity, and this time I can no longer hide the tears. Fortunately, I know that there's barely anyone around, but even if there were hundreds of people in this room, I wouldn't be able to tell.

-I never stopped thinking about you, never. I was placed in a completely new environment, with new people, with the life I had always dreamed of. And I talked about you all the time to everyone. But you told me yourself that it wasn't going to work, and I suddenly started to believe it. I started to believe it because it seemed like a completely different world from the one I lived by your side. And I wasn't sure if you would fit into this new life.

He's fussing, putting words on top of words, gesticulating as if his life depended on it. He took a few seconds but then returned to explain himself.

-And I made the wrong decision. I know, I act like an asshole. I was with someone else and I knew the pictures were going to leak. I did it because I didn't want to make the decision, so I put it in your hands, and you made it for me. And it was a ridiculous and childish attitude, I know. I see this now. And I hated myself for years because of that. But it was the only way I found at the time. -I can see the tears in his eyes and I get a little surprised after I realize that. -And again, I'm sorry about that, Angie. I apologize to you, and I apologize for us and our past. What I did wasn't right.

He stopped, he had to, his voice was getting louder, that way everyone would hear. I remain in the same position, motionless, but now with my arms crossed and my face wet with tears. It's not over, I know that now comes the other part, the resentment part, the part that's gonna kill me.

-But you didn't try it either. -Now his voice is much lower. -You were the first person to try to leave, you said it wouldn't work even before you left my room that night. You looked into my eyes and told me it wasn't going to work. And that was the image that haunted me during those months.

His hands go up from the table to his eyes, wiping away the tears that have started to fall. He looks around for a second before leaning across the table towards me.

-I'm here now and I brought you here because I want you to forgive me. I want to be able to start over with you, because I'm done torturing myself with this. And I want to resolve things with you. I want to listen to you, because I need to listen to you, I need to know how you're doing. I want to die every time I think that everything we've had has come to nothing, I don't want it to be like this. I don't want it all to be in vain.

With tears in his eyes, Lewis smiles at me before continuing.

-I think every day about how our conversations would be, and how you would tell me every little thing that happened in your day. I want to know everything about you. I feel like I'm facing a woman who was the love of my life and who is now a complete stranger, and it hurts so much. I suffered too, Angie. So please forgive me. I don't want to live with these thoughts anymore, I want to make it happen. But if you tell me no, if you don't want to forgive me, I'll understand, and I'll be able to put an end to it no matter how much I don't want to. I just need something, anything from you. I can't accept this torturing me anymore. So you can send me to hell if you want. But if you feel, even in a tiny part of you, that you can forgive me, then please forgive me.

I stare at the table and the two untouched slices of pizza are blurred because of my tears. I don't know if I can look at him. I don't know if I can formulate a sentence right now. I want to get up from here, I want to hug him and then ask for his forgiveness. But I don't do anything, I'm frozen in my place, and I only move to breathe so I can cry more.

I don't know how long we remain in silence before I started to speak.

-I want to be able to forgive you. And I'm sorry about all of that. But what do I do with the old Angie that is screaming inside of me begging me to run from here and from you?!

I lean across the table and take the same position as Lewis.

-I went through a lot, and the beginning was so hard that I thought that I wouldn't be able to get over it. I was having the worst time of my life because of you while you were exhibiting her off in the paddock. I want to forgive you, and I believe you’ve changed. But I don't know if I would be strong enough to see it with my own eyes.

-Let me show you that I'm worthy of a second chance. Let's start over as if we just met. Just give me a few weeks like this, and if after that you decided that you don’t want to look at me anymore then we never have to talk to each other again.

I can see the suffering on his face. I can see his transformation in every speech and gesture. And all of this only manages to make me even more confused.

-I need a minute.

I leave the table and walk outside the diner. I don't look at him while getting off the place. When I reach the open area I take a deep breath. As if until now I had been underwater and had finally managed to reach the surface.

I control my emotions and manage to stop crying, the lump in my throat feels a little smaller now. I needed to listen to him, needed his explanation. I spent all those years believing that everything we had was not reciprocated. I felt like an idiot this whole time. Hearing those words from him made all difference in my way of seeing our situation.

I'm glad I accepted this date.

I don't know how long I spent out here. I only get out of my thoughts when I hear Lewis calling me.

-Are you okay?

I nod as I watch Lewis coming out of the diner door and walk towards me. He sits next to me on the curb right after. He also looks composed. The street is empty, and apart from his Mercedes, there are no cars around. I look straight ahead, while he's staring at me.

-Valentino didn't invite you to be a model. You volunteered. -It's not a question. I say without looking at him.

-That's true.

He doesn't seem shocked to hear that I know about it.

-Why?

-I knew you were there. And I knew this would be the only way to get close to you without you running away from me. I like Valentino. But there was a greater force.

I pull my gaze away from the road and look at him. There must be confusion on my face because it doesn't take long for Lewis to explain himself.

-Not that I'm a stalker or anything like that. -He chuckles. -But since I found out that you worked there, I haven't gotten you out of my mind. And those memories got even stronger. I didn't rest until I called Paolo and offered myself as a model.

-Why now? I understand you spent all this time thinking about it. But why just now? -My voice is low. I feel shy after his confession.

-Cause If I had come earlier, you wouldn't have accepted me. You needed your time to heal as I needed mine. And if I came before, would you listen to me? Would you come here with me? You would run away, I'm sure of it. Because Whether you like it or not, I know you very well.

-So it was all a plan?

I play with a piece of dry twig I found on the ground so I don't have to look at him.

-No. Many things happened by fate. But since the moment I hung up the phone that day 9 years ago, I've been thinking about how to get you back.

I know what I'm going to end up doing the moment I hear the words coming out of his mouth, I have to do this not just for myself but for both of us. I would be supposing what would become of us for the rest of my life if I said no. I need to know if this is going to work out or not. I deserve it, and so does he.

-As if we had just met? - I look at him to wait for the answer. I see his face lighting up before my eyes, and I can feel the butterflies in my stomach.

-Yes. As if we just met.

His smile makes me smile too. I nod to him, accepting his request. Lewis extends his hand to me in a greeting form.

-Nice to meet you. I'm Lewis Hamilton.

I laugh at his performance but soon join in the fun and shake his hand.

-Nice to meet you, Lewis. My name is Angie Woods.

❀

I get up from the chair I've been sitting in for hours and go to my bag so I can pack my stuff.

Paolo and the rest of our team say goodbye to me and then leave the meeting room. I make my way to my office and run to finish some paperwork before calling it a day. The pre-season is consuming me all over. I've barely had time to do anything else that wasn't work related in the last week. I saw Lewis a few times at the company doing some photoshoots, but we haven't had time to talk in person since our date because of all the work that surrounds us.

But the text messages haven't stopped coming since that day. It ranges from a simple good morning to complex conversations about our life. I was able to try to understand him more during these conversations, and I am happy with the new person he has shown himself to be. He manages to put together the same essence as before, with all the learning from now, and all of this ends up forming a wonderful person.

I'm not putting expectations related to what I feel for him. I promised myself I would let it happen, and that's what I'm doing. He's given me the space he promised to so I could get used to this new idea, and that's what counts.

I was startled when I hear the office door being opened, it’s past eleven at night, and I didn't think there would be anyone else in the building. I turn quickly to the door and find Lewis staring at me, halfway into the room.

-Jesus! You almost scared me to death. - I put my hand on my chest as a way to calm myself down. - You don't knock anymore?

-Sorry. - He laughs at my despair. -I wasn't sure if you were still here.

-Still here. This pre-season is killing me. But at least it's almost over.

Lewis was still staring at me in the same position.

-I wanted to talk to you.

-Sure. Come in.

Lewis finally enters the room and closes the door. He comes calmly towards me, getting very close. Way too close. I'm leaning against my desk and observing him intently. He looks gorgeous. The casual outfit only makes him even more beautiful, as if that were possible. But I soon realize that something is bothering him.

He takes a deep breath to start talking but stops before emitting any word. His stare goes to my chest and lingers there for a few seconds. I see his features go from confusion to happiness in seconds. His hand goes to my chest, so he carefully takes the pendant from my necklace. The same necklace he gave me the year we met. I feel my cheeks burn with shyness.

-You still have it.

We are so close that even though his voice comes out in a whisper, I can hear it perfectly.

-I swore I'd never take it off, and I never did. It's been with me ever since. - My voice comes out in the same intonation as his.

Lewis drops the pendant but doesn't move an inch away from me. I'm starting to get used to and enjoy his proximity. His gaze moves from my necklace to my eyes, and I can see genuine happiness in his features.

-You really are the same Angie as always, aren't you?! -I don't quite understand what he means by that, so I don't answer his question. -Since always with the same passion for everything, even if it hurts you sometimes.

-I believe in benevolence.

-I know, and that's one of my favorite things in you.

His smile suddenly fades, and then he starts talking again.

-I will be back to racing in two weeks. I finished all work with Valentino today. I must go back to Monaco in a few days.

-Oh. Got it.

Lewis comes even closer, I'm already in amazement at his figure so close to me after all this time. His scent makes me dizzy and I can feel his breath on my face. I should walk away, all this closeness is getting dangerous, but I don't want to move at all now.

-I won't stay away for too long. -His hand goes to my hair that was resting on my shoulder and throws it back in a slight movement. -I'll be back in the second week of September. You will be here, right? And I will be able to see you.

-Of course.

At this point, I'm not even paying attention to what comes out of my mouth. All my focus is on him and his movements.

-Great. -His hand comes to my face very carefully, I feel a shock the moment his skin touches mine, ah that touch, how I thought of it, sometimes I swore I could feel it. I close my eyes for a second to enjoy the feel of his warm touch on my skin.

That Lewis, with all this seduction, self-assured, is a new personality that I am appreciating very much. My head tilts to the side a little, to get more of his touch.

God, how needy I am.

Lewis comes up to my exposed ear and whispers to me.

-I want to give something to you, A recent memory of the two of us.

-What kind of memory?

My eyes open, and I find a look of lust in front of me. I feel his hand moving from my cheek to the back of my neck.

I can't let this happen. That will end with my critical sense, I know that. But this trance is so good, I don't want to be over.

His hand lands there and pulls me a little closer to him, he moves even closer to my body, placing himself between my legs. I put my hands on his arms, as a way of preparing myself to push him away, or as a way of feeling more parts of him.

-Lewis, we can't.

My head resting on his hand, my hands holding his arms, his legs in the middle of my body, and every inch of my body screaming for him, it's clear as day how much I want this, and he can see it. Satisfaction is printed on his face.

Who am I kidding?

-How can we not if you're calling for me right now?

I don't know who takes the first step, but soon we connect in a kiss full of hunger and longing, the kiss is fast as if we were trying to make up for all the lost time.

He's even better at it, his hands roaming strategic places to drive me crazy. I don't think about what we're doing, I don't think about the possibility of someone coming in and seeing this scene, I just think about him, and how he got better, about his heavy body pressing against mine, and how this is going to drive me completely crazy.

I sit down at the large wooden table, and his hands roam my body as if he wants to memorize every little thing that has changed in me. The hand on the back of my neck pulls my hair back, putting my neck in evidence, Lewis grabs it and distributes kisses and hickeys that I know will leave marks, but I don't care at all about that.

I take my hand to his pants on his lump. Lewis groans and then goes to the hem of my shirt, taking it off soon after.

-You have no idea how much I've waited for this. I spent all this time thinking of you, missing your taste, crazy waiting for this. -He says to me with a voice more rough than usual, his excitation implicit in every word spoken.

-Show me, Lew. Show me how much you missed me.

Lewis gets rid of my pants quickly after that, and shortly after I manage to help him take his underwear off. There's desperation in our movements, we want to connect like we've been waiting our whole lives for this, and the feeling is like something that.

I'm already soaked from the moment he walked into this room, so there's no difficulty for him to get inside me. We'd like to linger for hours in kisses and foreplay, but the need to feel each other is so immense that there's no room for anything else.

Lewis put himself inside me without hesitation, and our moans echoed throughout the room. He holds me and stares at me as I get used to his size. He seems even bigger than the last time, and the feeling borders on pain, but it is an immense pleasure that completes me, in every sense of the word.

-God. That pussy is so good. So tight for me.

Our eyes are connected from the beginning. The feel of his body on mine and his words make my body shiver. The lunges start at a diligent pace and our moans are released without any attempt to hold them back. Not caring about anything other than the two of us right now. Lewis picks me up and carries me to the small leather sofa in my office, I get on all fours and wait for him again.

-You look so beautiful like that. So beautiful to me. Ready to get this dick. -His words are followed by a slap on my ass. A loud moan escapes my lips along with the sound of his hand smacking me.

-Then come and fuck me the way only you know how to do it.

A grunt comes out of his mouth and he quickly positions himself on me again. The feeling is even more pleasurable. Lewis gives a few lunges and then pulls me close to his chest, his hand goes to my clit and stimulates me even more. My mouth is close to his, and our moans come out as one.

-I missed this so much. -He whispers in my ear. I can barely ratiocinate anymore, but I smile at his confession.

-Oh, I'm so close.

-Come. Come to me, my love. Come in this dick that is yours.

After that, I can't hold it in much longer, and the strong wave of orgasm hits me. Lewis connects his mouth to mine to quiet down the moaning sound since we're not even sure we're alone here.

My tremors made it clear that I couldn't take any more stimulation. I can't remember the last time I had an orgasm so fast and that powerful, it's like my body was waiting for him, and when I finally had it, I exploded with excitation.

Lewis gets out of me and sits on the couch. It doesn't take me a second to lower myself between his legs to finish what we started. His head falls back the moment I put my mouth on him. I take him where I can and with the help of my hands I stimulate his base, he's big and I end up choking a little. My saliva mixed with his pre-cum and my lubrication that's still in him.

-Oh how I love your mouth, my dear. -His voice comes out in an exacerbated exhale.

I could do this for hours, kneeling in front of him and feeling his cock fucking my mouth is like heaven. I play with my tongue on his glans before taking him back to the back of my throat, he moans loudly and takes his hands to my hair, starting to guide me in the movements. He squeezes my strands and starts to twitch and I know he's getting close.

-Angie, I'm gonna come. -I keep my mouth on him, and then I feel his jet going down my throat. -Yes. Swallow it all like the good girl you are. -He says between moans. It's so dirty and so good. And is with him.

Lewis pulls me up when he's finished and kisses me, we put our clothes on soon after, only then do we realize the risk we're taking with all of this, I feel ashamed and afraid that someone is still in the building and heard us, in this case, the dismissal would be least of my problems, but after what just happened I can say it would be worth it.

After getting dressed, we returned to the sofa to catch our breath. Lewis tucks me against his chest, and I remember how we loved staying like that all the time. Having that back for even a little time is incredible. I didn't think I would ever have that feeling back in my life.

-I didn't know you were the cheating type. -He says after a few minutes.

His comment confused me for the first few seconds, but then I remembered the fake boyfriend I made up.

-Great. Cause I'm not. -I feel ashamed even though I don't have a boyfriend, ashamed for making him think that I would be capable of doing something like that.

-What about your boyfriend?

-He’s not real.

I put myself away from his lap and look at him. Lewis laughs as he stares at me.

-Why did you lie about that? -His tone of voice is playful.

-I wanted to see the effect it would have on you. It was something of the moment. I just decided to say it, even though it was a lie.

I was honest with him. He looks at me intently but doesn't seem angry. He pulls me back to him, and we seal our lips. We kiss for a long time, and still, the feeling is that it will never be enough.

-We need to go. - I say in the middle of the kiss. He moans sadly.

-I don't want this to end. -His lips are still touching mine as he says this. -Come and spend these days with me.

I pull myself away a bit and look at him.

-I don't know Lew. I still have a few things to conclude, and I don't think this would be a good idea.

-C’mon. We can just hang out, we do good for each other, Angie. I know you can see that. And no matter what happened, we ended up here anyway. -He connects our lips quickly once again. -Let's surrender to this

As if we weren't already surrendered to each other right now.

I nod to him.

-Okay.

❀

I feel the weight of his body on top of mine. I smile before I even open my eyes. His kisses start at the back of my neck and work their way down to my bare back.

-Good morning. -He returns to my ear and whispers to me with the voice of someone who has just woken up.

I turn to him and open my eyes.

-Good morning. -The sight of Lewis, lying on my bed, with his unclothed torso full of tattoos and his face yet with traces of sleep makes me feel butterflies in my stomach.

I bring my hand to the lion drawn on his skin and trace it with my fingertips. My smile fades as I remember what day it is. The day he returns to Monaco.

The days that we spent together were more than perfect. I managed to finish my work before the deadline so we spent all the time together, sometimes in his hotel room, sometimes at my house, but always together somewhere, alone, and in a bed.

We talked about how we're going to do it after our schedules get full again because of work. We didn't put a label or expectations in our relationship, we don't want to make the same mistake as the first time. So we decided that we'll let ourselves go with the flow. Today traveling is much easier, and we do it more frequently. We're going to see each other when we can, and meanwhile continue living our lives, with our goals and objectives in priority, as it should be, and as it always was been.

He takes my hand from his chest and brings it to his lips, placing a kiss on my fingers.

-What time is your flight?

-At five. -Still, with my hand in contact with his, he interlaces our fingers together.

-You have to go pack your things, don't you? - The disappointment in my voice is evident.

-Uhmm. -He sounds as sad as I do.

-I didn't even see the days go by.

-It's because we were too busy. - I accompany Lewis in a laugh. -You could come with me.

-You know I can't. Fashion week will start soon, these days were a little break before the marathon to come.

-Okay. I understand. -He smiles at me. -It's great to see you conquering what you've always dreamed about.

I can't see myself, but I know my eyes light up when I hear his words. I'm relieved that Lewis understands and takes my dream as seriously as his own.

-Thanks. - My smile is sincere. At that moment, I'm completely exposed to him, showing how I've waited for this, even if deep down, how I've always been with him despite all the distance. I can't say that I have no doubts about any kind of relationship with him, but I can say that I'm happy to have received him back into my life. I feel at home in his arms like never before, and that hasn't changed even after all this time.

-You wait for me? -His hand tightens on mine as he utters the question. -I can come back in two weeks, just for a few days but at least we'll be able to see each other for a little while. If you want.

- I'll wait for you, Lew.

My voice cracks, and he notices. All of this feels like deja vu. I can feel part of my pride going down my throat. I don't want to feel that way, I know I gave him an opportunity I really wanted, and I don't regret it for a second. But I'm afraid of happening again. I don't know if I could go through all that again.

-I won't let it happen again. -It's like he read my mind. -I'll come back and get you.

❀

And he came back, after two weeks, as agreed. He came back and brought with him a bouquet of peonies and all the love in the world. It was only for a few days but the goodbye was different from the last time, this time there was no hesitation or fear, just the certainty that we would see each other again, and again, and again.

When he couldn't come to me, I went to him. We learned to deal with the distance and enjoy every day we had together. I got to know his coworkers and his life as a driver, I remembered all the times we spent in karting garages, but there's almost no comparison. Formula 1 is another level.

I celebrated each victory as if it were the first, just like he celebrated with me when I managed to open my studio and left Valentino. As time went by, living with him only made me more confident that I made the right decision, it didn't take long for any doubt to be solved. And suddenly everything was perfect again. As if we were still those two 13-year-olds. As if nothing had ever gone wrong.

I became the happiest person in the world by his side, and with each passing day, it becomes clearer that it was meant to be. It was supposed to be the two of us.

For a lifetime.

November 15, 2020. 2:52pm – Istanbul, Turkey

Tears rolled from my eyes. I've never felt so euphoric, so happy, and so proud in my life. He did it, he did it again, for the seventh time. I'm almost shaking with so much euphoria.

Angela walks over to me and hugs me. The whole garage erupts in celebration. Everyone's emotion is as if it was the first.

That will never get boring.

I hear his cry and his words as he crosses the finish line, and I cry even more. I watch him get out of the car, go to the podium and celebrate his masterpiece, I watch closely, with my eyes full of tears and with a pride that does not fit in my chest, after everything I have seen in person, after all the struggles I've seen them go through, after all the times I've watched him racing on TV and swore it would be the last time, but I just couldn't stop rooting for him.

I never stopped believing, not even for a second. Witnessing him get there, and achieve this feat, makes me the happiest woman in the world.

His eyes find me in the crowd and shine even brighter, he proudly shows me the trophy as if I haven't noticed it in his hands yet. I just want him, here with me, but for now, I watch him enjoying his victory. Today's celebrations begin with a champagne shower on the podium.

00:46

We entered the room laughing. Our eyes are still teary with emotion. The noise of all the celebrations still echoes in my head. Finally alone. I stop the moment I close the door, and look at him, who is in the middle of the room, hands on his head, still in disbelief. Our eyes connect, and we start laughing together. At this moment it seems that finally, the penny dropped for both of us. I never felt like this, it seems like this time was different, like he finally proved to himself that he made it.

He runs to me and hugs me tight. Even sticky with champagne, I can't imagine a better contact. We stayed there, stuck together, for minutes. I feel Lewis crying into my neck, he's not the type of guy to show his emotions, but in the face of it all, it's impossible not to get emotional. I hug him back even stronger, and the tears of joy come back to my eyes.

-You did it! I knew you'd make it. - I said.

Lewis then pulls away from our embrace, but he still has his arms around me, his teary eyes shining brighter than ever.

-We did it. -His euphoria is almost palpable. -You stayed, supported me all this time, and never let me stop. You understood all the moments when I couldn't be present. My God, I love you so much Angie, so fucking much.

I wipe the tears from his face with the palm of my hand.

-I love you. And it couldn’t be different. I've been here since the beginning, and I'll be here until the end, here by your side, no matter what. Seeing you achieve everything you ever wanted makes me beyond happy, Lewis.

-But I still don't have everything I want.

Confusion shows on my face. Lewis walks away from me, going to his suitcase, which is thrown in the corner of the room. He picks something up but I can't see what it is at first.

-I've been carrying this around with me for the last few weeks, waiting for the perfect moment, and I think this is it.

He sounds nervous and a little shy. My heart bumps when I realize that what he's carrying is a small Tiffany box.

-Lewis... -My voice comes out tearful. I can no longer contain the tears at this point. It can't be that. We never talked about it, even though he knows that this is one of my biggest dreams.

Lewis calmly walks towards me, I can barely stand still, my heartbeat must be over 150 bpm. I watch him getting on one knee and taking my left hand. I realize what’s happening, he's going to do it, he's really going to do it right now, covered in champagne and more euphoric than ever.

-I promised you that I would make you my wife years ago in a hotel room in Monza, remember? -I consent. In my mind, it's like a few days have passed since that moment. -I love you more than anything. I want to be able to give you the whole world and even then it still wouldn't be enough. I love you for who you are, for all your kindness and empathy, I love you for your perseverance and hope in everything and everyone, I even love you for your stubbornness because that's what moved me sometimes. Angie, I can't imagine myself without you by my side, I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with you, I want you to be the mother of my children, and I want to be able to take care of you until the end. -My sobs are already audible and I can see how hard he is trying not to cry. -You would make me the happiest man in the world by calling me your husband. Will you marry me?

I kneel in front of him, getting the same height as him, I look at the box that is now open and come face to face with an oval diamond ring, big and shiny enough to catch anyone's attention. Lewis looks at me expectantly. I put my hands on his face and kiss him as I've never done it before, Lewis's hand which isn't holding the box wraps around my waist.

-Yes! Of course. -my voice comes out tearful. -It's all I want.

Lewis pulls away from me, takes my hand again, and carefully places the ring on my ring finger. He takes my hand to his lips and places a kiss.

I feel like all my life and phases have brought me here, at this moment. I remember all the moments in our lives together and apart that made it clear to me that he is my soulmate, and there is nothing anyone can do when fate is sealed.

-I can't wait to spend the rest of my life by your side.

Final note

Thank you to those who read this far :). I'm happy with the story even though I wanted to add more details to it, but because it is a one-shot divided into two parts, I ended up incapable to give all the profundity I would like, so you might find it too rushed. But I'm still super happy with the result and I hope you enjoyed it too. I'm completely in love with these two so I might end up writing more about them soon. <3

#lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton smut #lewis hamilton fanfiction #lewis hamilton x reader #lewis hamilton fluff #formula 1 fanfic #formula one fanfiction #formula one #lh44 #smut fanfiction #au fanfiction #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #mercedes amg f1 #Spotify

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inejschumacher · 4 months

Text

Day 9 of Via’s Taycember

pairing: alex albon x reader

wc: 1k

cw: angst, fear, hurt

an: got this idea from a TikTok but wow it suits him so well!

The cafe is small, tucked away in a small corner of the street behind trees drooping with dark green leaves and white flowers. Despite the busy area, cars whizzing by, honking at anyone and anything, and people talking loudly on their phones and to each other, it all seems to quiet down the moment you see him through the cafe window, sitting in a booth slightly isolated from everyone else.

You take a deep breath, attempt to quell your shaking hands, and walk in.

I'm so glad you made time to see me. How's life? Tell me, how's your family? I haven't seen them in a while

Sitting across from Alex, looking into his eyes, trying so hard to retain a poker face, not wanting to betray the pain he felt, but you know him too well for that. You speak up first, trying to alleviate the awkwardness and take away some of the pressure from him. You decide to start with small talk, trying to lighten up the mood by asking about his family you still cared for, and see Alex stiffen a little.

You've been good, busier than ever. We small talk, work and the weather. Your guard is up and I know why

He tries to make an effort to ask back, but pain evidently courses through his veins still, despite his attempts to talk about the gloomy skies of London and ask you about your job. It's awkward, with short sentences from Alex for every question. Kept as vague as possible, trying to dodge more personal questions about himself and his family, but how can you blame him? Only yourself was there to place any on.

Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me roses and I left them there to die

There were some things one could never forget, not when it was etched so deeply, the tiniest detail in sensitive minds. Especially when they could never future out what they did to warrant such a cruel action. The day you left the roses he so lovingly gave you, bright red and lavishing, never had a day been crueller for the man who’d painstakingly searched for the liveliest of flowers in the dead of dreary winter.

So this is me swallowin' my pride, standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night, and I go back to December all the time

It wasn’t something you were familiar with at all. Not when you were capable of hurting such an innocent man in such a way, yet there you stood outside the cafe, looking deep into Alex’s eyes, and swallowed whatever cold-blooded pride you held, and apologized.

Really apologized.

Turning back time to December was your one wish, to redo everything and never put him through such a horrid, wicked pit of depression and pain.

It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you, wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine. I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright

The lies you'd convinced yourself to believe, that all Alex did was hold you down, keep you from exploring the world around you and finding yourself, but after it all went down, it came crashing down, harder than any avalanche or earthquake could ever dream of reaching.

He was the best part of your life, you’d realized. But you crushed it all, squeezing his heart until it bled and gave out, letting it slip through your reddened fingers and fall, fall, fall fall, fall.

Too far for you to turn around and try to catch it, to patch it up, staunch the bleeding.

These days, I haven't been sleepin’, Stayin' up playin' back myself leavin'. When your birthday passed and I didn't call

Sweat and tears, coursing down your face and body as you woke up from the constant nightmares, haunted by his heartbroken face. The fruitless nights of sleep came after hours of going over everything, wondering where you started to make it all go wrong, replaying his sweet, sweet face and cursing yourself forever, for thinking you were ever in the right.

If there was ever a chance you would make it all right again, it passed the minute the clock turned to midnight on the 24th of March, after his birthday. Not a single time that you even tried to call him; the toll of the city bells delivering the final blow to that chance, like a signal to the end.

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times. I watched you laughin' from the passenger's side and realized I loved you in the fall

The splash of water as he carried you into the ocean, the soft sand under your feet as you walked hand-in-hand facing the gorgeous pink-and-orange sunset. The endless sandcastles, with him beating you in almost every competition; the look of surprise as you beat him in finishing your tropical drinks before him, despite his stronger breaths.

Oh, how beautiful he looked, laughing as he drove through the gorgeous autumn tree-lined street, the plumage painted vibrant shades of oranges and yellows and golds and browns, lighting the sky up like a fire, the same on filling your heart as you realized you loved him, so, so fiercely, wanting this drive to last forever and ever.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind. You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

Winter came in with a howling storm, sheathing your world with an ice-cold whiteness that sunk into your heart, claws ripping out any sense of love you’d held not so long ago.

It never made sense, how could fear have crept into your mind like that? There was never anything to suggest otherwise, why would Alex, who draped you in thick woolly sweaters with cats and held your hands with mugs of marshmallowed hot chocolate, ever leave you? But your heart had already been taken, and you made a decision.

The day he gave you love, through roses and kisses, you gave him a goodbye.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right and how you held me in your arms that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry

You reminisced the feeling of his skin cloaking your body, sweet smile filled with joy, never letting a wretched insult or piece of nager leave those soft pink lips. The same ones who kissed and comforted you when you broke down in front of him for the first time ever, never judging, always promising, promising he’d be there whenever you needed him, always a shoulder to cry on, always a lover to hold on to.

Maybe this is wishful thinkin', probably mindless dreamin', but if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right. I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't, so if the chain is on your door, I understand

It was just a wish, thinking he’d take you back, love you again the same way he did before, but this time, you’d love him even harder, never letting him go, doing it right, the way you should’ve done the first time.

You couldn't change the past, however, and it still haunted him so deeply, so you understood if he wanted to keep his peace and let you go once and for all.

You stood there, finished with your apology, and waited, worried. He looked at you, a sadness—deeper than you could have ever imagined yourself capable of causing—in his eyes now unsheathed, and simply nodded his head.

Before he thanked you for your apology. Then said goodbye.

And walked away.

Away from that December night, away from you.

I go back to December all the time all the time

#via’s taycember #alex albon #alex albon x reader #alex albon fanfic #alex albon fanfiction #alex albon imagine #formula 1 #formula 1 fanfic #formula 1 fanfiction #formula 1 one shot #williams racing #taylor swift #speak now taylor’s version #Spotify #fanfic #fanfiction

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ghostsunderstoodmysoul · 2 years

Text

How talking to your plants might improve your happiness (Farah “The Fern” Dowling x Reader)

Fandom: Fate: The Winx Saga

Summary: You swore you would support your wife in sickness and in health. Unfortunately, she had other plans for your relationship and she made you a surprise. At the same time, she forgot that she had married a person who could not keep even a cactus alive. The marriage vow is now under threat.

A/N: Hello! To start with, I would like to say hello to anyone who wants to read this. While until recently I was quite often active as a reader and fanfics lover, now I decided to create something myself. The idea itself does not belong to me, the plot of this story is based on an absolutely brilliant post created by: @simplytheevebest. I am so grateful that she allowed me to write my own version of this story based on it.

I would also like to thank @multifandomfix who has been a writing inspiration for me for a long time and offered to help as a beta reader to increase your reading comfort.

Enjoy! :)

People face many difficulties and challenges in their lives. They raise doubts about the correctness of the decisions they made, which led them to a given moment.

Until now, I used to think that my life was going well, aside from functioning in a relatively dangerous reality, and I had nothing to regret myself, except when I had to admit to my wife that I accidentally flushed my wedding ring down the toilet.

But yeah, so far I haven't had much to complain about, which has further aggravated my anxiety and stress in the present moment. Usually, in moments of doubt, I reached for some professional guide containing answers to the questions that haunt me. Sometimes I was looking for solutions on the Internet and thus I discovered how many people there are who know as little about life as I do. It happened to be uplifting, and I remembered it at times when all other methods had failed, and I had to refer the matter to my wife.

At this point, I was in a situation where I was trying to implement plan number three. With an emphasis on tried because all the signs in heaven and earth indicated that I would not succeed. What's more, I can bet on that wedding ring I pulled out of the sewer before, that the whole universe is now treating me like an idiot. It’s not every day you see a person persistently trying to get any answers from the fern sitting on the desk.

No, I'm not trying to solve a criminal case, and this plant isn't the prime suspect in a drug smuggling case at all. Although you never know with Farah, after five years together I don't think anything will surprise me anymore.

Oh yeah, Farah. My lovely wife, whose health and happiness are my top priorities in life. As a result of an unfortunate twist of events, she became my nuisance, because she took the form of things that I cannot take care of, no matter how hard I try.

At times I think that she did it on purpose to make fun of me. How else could I define the current situation in which the person turned into a fern is dependent on a human who would probably be able to kill artificial flowers?

I looked at the pot and tilted my head to judge the angle of the sunlight.

“Honey, could you please let me know if you are burning alive right now?" I asked with some uncertainty in my voice.

No reaction. I didn't even notice the slightest movement of the leaf that would mean… I'm not sure myself. Confirmation? Negation? Expressing your last will, moments before facing painful death at the hands of the worst florist in the history of the world?

There was a reason why we never gave each other flowers as a gift, as somehow my very person automatically took away all the plants' will to live.

However, the current situation was serious, so I armed myself with techniques to overcome my problems. They mostly relied on all the books I was able to collect, the knowledge of specialists on the Internet, and Terra's phone number on a speed dial should I inadvertently create a deadly threat. Which initially happened at least once a day, but with time I started to cope better with caring for the fern.

I wouldn't consider myself a specialist, or even an expert, but nothing has burst into flames - either from my magic or my incompetence.

I was already able to deal with this one particular type of plant, which gave me the opportunity to look for ways to restore Farah to her human form. What could have gone wrong?

5 minutes later

The students were just walking through the school corridors to move to their next classes or meet their friends during the break. There was no indication that anything would disturb the peace and quiet of the day.

Some of them, however, were close enough to the teachers' dormitory wing that they could hear a desperate scream.

“HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO CHANGE YOUR FORM? I CAN’T LOOK AFTER ANYTHING BUT FERNS!”

~.~.~.~

I studied the plant in front of me.

I've spent the last hour trying to find the species I'm dealing with. How did Farah choose the plant whose form she just took?

“My love, if you are able to control what flower you become,” I started, bringing an open book close to the pot, “then please, please turn into something easier to keep alive. According to this book, you are currently an azalea. The name may be cute, but do you realize that providing you with ideal conditions is almost impossible?"

The plant in front of me was still imperturbable, but I was sure Farah was laughing at me right now. Can plants make fun of you? My life has become a jumble of countless questions combined with a total lack of answers.

However, I realized that this is the moment when I have to face another dilemma.

Should Farah change her location? Would that mean moving somewhere that I can't keep an eye on? What's worse – should I give my wife a temporary vacation in a greenhouse or garden?

What does that say about me as a human?

Probably nothing good, and I myself will be reborn as a plant after death, and end up in the hands of my future heir. One who will inherit my stupidity and lack of talent for plants, which will make me follow the fate of many of those whom I have tried to take care of myself.

On the other hand, I should mainly be thinking about the present form of Farah. I looked at her and muttered under my breath.

“Hope you still enjoy traveling more than – wait for it – putting down roots in one place,” I said proudly, clearly finding my joke successful.

At that moment, one of the flowers of the azalea in front of me fell, and I swallowed nervously.

“This situation will end in divorce at best.” I sighed heavily and took Farah to another part of the school, hoping that she would at least consider it a trip on a par with flying to Iceland.

~.~.~.~

I felt like a proud but still incompetent parent. I was able to educate and learn a lot about the care and meaning of flowers. I had reached the stage where I felt equipt enough to face this challenge. Ben and Terra stopped seeing me in my pajamas in the middle of the night in a panic trying to get answers to new questions that kept multiplying.

No no, end of bad moments, I stopped posing a direct threat to my wife's health and life.

I had a set schedule of classes and activities that I did in her company so that she would not feel completely excluded. I was just returning from my classes to her office, where she had been staying for a week, after being turned into a peace lily. I decided that she has transformed into such an elegant plant to proudly welcome students and other guests.

So I was heading towards the office to clean up the paperwork in Farah’s company and eat a meal together, because it was the day of watering her.

Nothing could spoil my mood that day.

Except for one detail.

Upon entering my office, I quickly realized that Farah wasn't where I left her.

I took a deep breath and walked briskly towards the west wing. I knew our friend Saul should be there now. We recently agreed on alternating care to give Farah more variety in her free time. And she had too much of it and was starting to be picky about how she spent it.

I turned into a corridor on the left and almost collided with someone who was just passing by. I was relieved to recognize Saul, and without unnecessary prolongation, I asked the question that haunted me.

“Saul, did you take Farah with you to class today?”

The man looked at me a bit worried, then shook his head no. I suddenly felt faint.

We felt it would be best to ask students who sometimes helped with caring for her. We didn't have to look long, because before we got to their dormitories, we ran into Sky and Riven, holding a flowerpot with a peace lily in their hands.

I breathed a sigh of relief, then walked over to them and asked what the situation actually meant and why they abducted Farah without asking.

“We wanted to take her for a walk outside the school and show her what has changed over the last few months,” Sky replied, then added, “We're sorry for forgetting to mention it, but we couldn't find you.”

I nodded and took the pot with a lot of relief and little satisfaction that the boys had good intentions. But something didn’t feel right to me. I smelled the pot and noticed a fairly strong smell of tobacco or some similar substance.

The boys were already starting to make their way towards the other end of the corridor, so I called after them, “Guys, why do I get the impression that you smoked something in front of her?”

Sky quickly replied, “Riven wanted to see if, as a peace lily, she was actually purifying the air of toxic substances. If you were curious, the answer is yes!”

"Wait, WHAT?"

But they were already gone.

~.~.~.~

The sundew was standing proudly on Saul's desk, and it seemed as if she was staring at him.

I shrugged, letting him understand that in some ways he might have expected this to happen.

“I didn't say anything wrong,” he tried to defend himself, which probably only made the situation worse.

I sighed loudly, rolling my eyes in the process, “Saul, by this point you should know by now how important the no-spoiler rule is when it comes to Farah. The Winx girls showed her this series, and she was clearly drawn into the plot. You spoiled her fun for the next 15 episodes.”

The man felt bad, thinking that his chatter had spoiled the pleasure of watching some soap opera for his friend. It was evident on his face that he would like to apologize somehow and compensate for his mistake.

Meanwhile, I was walking towards the exit door with the intention of leaving the room.

“Wait a minute, where are you going?" Saul asked, clearly confused

“You brought her to this state, now it is your responsibility to provide her with food," I replied seriously, “You can also try to bribe her with music to change her form.”

I smiled broadly and as I left I added, “She has a taste for country recently, so... good luck, my dear!"

~.~.~.~

The Halloween party was an amazing experience. The students outdid themselves, preparing both decorations and original snacks. Loud, slightly spooky music was coming from the loudspeakers, which only intensified the atmosphere.

I reached for my glass of soda, which was a slightly weird green color. I decided that you only live once and at worst I might wake up in the morning in the form of an ogre.

I exchanged a word with a few people standing nearby and decided it was time to go back to my room.

On the way, I passed a few students who dressed for the occasion and used their skills to create beautiful makeup. I have barely recognized some of them. I decided that the next day I would ask Stella what makeup tools she used to look so convincing as a vampire.

I opened the door to my room and turned on the light. I headed towards the windowsill with a large pumpkin.

“I hope you were able to see anything out of the window. Forgive me for not taking you downstairs with me, but I was afraid someone would mistake you for a real pumpkin and start carving you,” I replied almost apologetically, because the very thought made me cringe.

I started to wash off my makeup, and when I was done, I looked at Farah with a big smile on my lips.

“I have good news for you. You have great timing with taking on new forms. Terra's cousin, Flora, returned to school. You probably remember her. She shared stories from her travels. She also told about a friend named Mirta. And I have more good news for you. There is a chance that you will regain your human form soon.”

I had the impression that the plant in front of me had taken more color. Just the thought of it as Farah's excitement made me smile to myself.

I put my hand on the pumpkin as if I wanted to stroke Farah's cheek, then added, “Luckily we're not part of some teen show. And you are definitely not played by a certain actress who currently has other professional commitments. So we'll see you again soon. But remember, no pressure. Take your time if you need it. I... We'll all wait as long as it takes for you.”

#fate: the winx saga #fate the winx saga #fate winx saga #ftws s2 #winx club #ftws #farah dowling #farah dowling x reader #farah dowling imagine #farah the fern #miss dowling #eve best #fate fanfic #imagine

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mbti-notes · 5 months

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Anon wrote: I'm a 20 year old INFJ girl. I know you don't like to say what decisions people should or shouldn't make in their lives, but I would like to ask for help to understand what I should do from now on, maybe something for me to reflect on this situation.

A few months ago I entered college and met an INFP girl, we talked about going out after we became friends and we had an exclusive relationship, although without the label of girlfriends. It's been two months since she sent me a message explaining the reasons why she doesn't feel ready for a serious relationship, one of them being the experiences of her past relationships and, according to her, the fact that during our relationship she didn't

She wasn't honest with herself and with me, repressing feelings she likes to feel and suffocating the freedom she has at the moment.

We argued a lot and had conversations that ended in hurt and resentment on both sides. I must take responsibility for this because I let my confused and intense emotions get the best of me and I have become extremely immature and toxic since then, I have done bad things like accusing her, offending her and even suggesting that I would kill myself to make her feel guilty about this.

All of this is tearing me apart, I'm not being able to figure out my life and do the things I need to do to become a better person. I feel like I went back to square one and became the worst version of myself again, I haven't even been able to sleep or eat properly, I spend practically my entire day on my cell phone and when I'm bored I try to torment that girl with things that I know will affect her. -there.

She's fine with staying friends but I don't know if I should go through with it. I want her around, but every time I imagine her getting over this and moving on to the next relationship it hurts me because I want her with me. I tried to block it and stay away but nothing has helped because I always go back on my words and on her.

I don't want to lose her but it hurts me a lot to know that everything ended even though I tried everything to make sure it didn't happen, even proposing other relationship alternatives and listing the things that could be changed. What do I do? I really don't want to give up and leave her.

----------------------

Questions for Reflection:

1) What do I want versus what do I need?

Do you know the difference between "need" and "want"? A need is legitimate, universal to all humans, and must be satisfied in order to live a fulfilling life. A want is a path/method of fulfilling a need, but wants are not always legitimate. People who confuse needs and wants often end up chasing the wrong things in life and/or feeling inexplicably unsatisfied whenever they get what they want.

A want is legitimate if it is a positive and constructive way of obtaining what you need. A want is illegitimate when it leads you to destruction or to harm yourself/others, which, in the end, actually prevents you from obtaining what you need. If your want is determined to be illegitimate, then you have a moral responsibility to switch direction or find a different method of obtaining what you need, otherwise, you might do tremendous harm, getting further and further away from living a fulfilling life.

Based on what you've said, what you want is an exclusive relationship with this particular girl. It's impossible because she doesn't want it. Therefore, this is a dead end for you, yet you keep trying to go this way, why? You need something but don't know how to get it. Presumably, if you want an exclusive relationship, you legitimately need things such as romance, companionship, or love. However, the path/method you are using to fulfill these needs is illegitimate, because you are causing harm and actually destroying your chances of establishing a loving relationship, so it is your responsibility to change direction, in whatever form that must take.

If your Ni is unhealthy, you get stuck and fixated on only one way of doing things, which means it's time to zoom out and use Ni more appropriately to look at the bigger picture. Thus, the follow-up is: Clarify exactly what it is you need and then ask yourself, "What is a better and healthier alternative for getting my needs met?"

2) What kind of person do I want to be?

Do you want to feel proud of who you are and conduct yourself in a way that allows you to sleep well at night? As alluded to above, you have moral responsibilities in a relationship. When you shirk those responsibilities, how do you feel? It's not a good way to live, is it?

You speak as though you have little to no control over this situation, yet the negativity that has transpired since the breakup is down to the decisions you have made. When faced with the choice to do the right or wrong thing, by your own admission, you have too many times chosen to do the wrong thing. The question is, why do you choose the wrong way if it's going to make you feel terrible?

Being a moral person isn't easy, otherwise, we'd live in a wonderfully moral world. But being a moral person is essential to feeling like a good, worthy, and whole person. If you want to feel that way, then you need to pause and think before acting, in order to make decisions that align better with the kind of person you hope to be. Perhaps you need to work on your critical thinking skills so that you can think through problems and make decisions more successfully.

3) What kind of partner do I want to be?

You have a problem with emotional regulation and this often coincides with Se grip and impulsive behavior in INFJs. Do you have to act on every feeling and emotion that pops into your head? If your Fe is unhealthy, then you cannot bear to suffer alone, so you make others suffer along with you. This makes you a poor choice of romantic partner (i.e. "toxic") because you can accept violating and harming people. It sounds like you need to work on yourself in two ways:

Improve your emotional intelligence in order to i) learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than inflicting them upon others, and ii) learn to manage intense emotions better.

Improve your boundary setting skills so that you know how to i) separate your feelings from others', and then ii) show proper respect for yourself and others.

I have written about these two topics before and they are both related to essential Fe development, search the tags. There are also recommended books on the resources list. If you're unable to improve these two things on your own, the problem might be deeper than you think, in which case work with a therapist to get to the bottom of it.

Generally speaking, if toxic relationship behavior reaches extreme levels, i.e., it interferes with life in a very serious way and/or does serious harm, it could be a sign of a personality disorder that requires professional treatment. I don't think this is the case for you, but I don't really know you. It's up to you to reflect honestly on the full extent of the problem and reach out for help as needed. The good news is that, as long as a person has enough self-awareness to realize they have a problem, there is always hope for improvement.

#infj #infj relationships #relationships #breakup #needs #ask

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legendfinder · 7 months

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have u seen the new jacob geller video? seems like itd b up your alley. id be curious to hear your thoughts on the philosophy of archival he talks about

Oh it was DEFINITELY up my alley, as an (at the very least) above-average obsessed fan of archiving my life's work to the best of my abilities. Geller brings up a really good point I've had to wrestle with, myself: What's the extent to which I can, well, archive?

Lately I've had to omit archiving multiple versions of my art because there's just... so many. Often I found myself erasing old versions just to put new ones in, only occasionally regretting it months or years later. There's some physical doodles I just haven't been able to archive, some that are probably lost forever. Sometimes I go about my day and check Discord only to find something missing I can't quite put my finger on; another server, deleted. How much do I archive of myself? Every word? Every pen stroke? Every conversation? Every thought, every dream, every morsel of food, every footstep, every blink, every fucking breath I've ever taken? Where does it stop?

The answer is it doesn't stop. At least, if you want a full archive of yourself. Different people have focused on different things, yeah. Some make dream journals, others make food diaries, others digitize their notebooks, others have github repositories or the like. But by god, is it hopeless to do everything.

I've tried to back those servers up, but, well... They get updated every day. I can't make backups of every server, every day. Archiving takes time, immense amounts of time, out of my day. Lately, I've been going to class lectures only to spend the time archiving my mind-boggling collection of notebook doodles from high school, for a purpose that isn't really that important right now. I'm not saying it's a universal experience, but to me, the process and goal of archiving puts me violently in the past and violently in the future, and rarely in the present.

I find myself just scrolling through my Everything Drive aimlessly, taking in the same colors I've already looked at for years, and it just feels like... I'm getting nothing new done. And then I continue building up this Everything Drive, for some unforeseeable unattainable "ideal" state that will never happen. I look back and I look forward constantly and sometimes I forget I can just step back and take in the moment as it is, without having to save an audio log of it, without having to record a video of it, without having to be constantly in fear of the decay of my memories. (Note that I have nothing against recording videos of things. I mean, I do that. A lot. That's why I bring it up. It just gets a bit too much after a while. I have 2000 videos and 2000 audio recordings on my phone. I barely ever check them.)

Callie, you probably have a few art pieces that might not be accessible anymore, because you might have put them in a discord server and just... Never kept a copy on your computer. Even for the art you made that is still accessible... How will you even go through the effort of collecting and archiving them, now? I got lucky to start my Everything Drive project relatively "early", in 2020, because Unus Annus scared lil ol me. Even then, I had a lot of work before me. I can't imagine starting that same project now, 3 years later.

On a slightly related note, sometimes a friend's hard drive just gets wiped. Sometimes someone's art hosting site gets taken down. Sometimes there's even something as mundane as someone quickly deleting their discord message as a joke. Things get deleted all the time, outside of my control.

I try to archive as much of myself as possible, but that's basically where I stop. Just myself. I can't archive everyone else to the extent I do for myself. I just hope they get to archive at least a small piece of themselves, their own way.

Back to Geller's video, though. I wanna say, The Internet Archive isn't fully a forever archive. People can try, yeah, and with enough people, something could very well last forever. But with individual items, it's a different story. I used to be very into the Archie Sonic comics, all for one specific character (if you want to know, it's Shard the Metal Sonic). Internet Archive, at that time, had a collection of pretty much every archie sonic comic, neatly organized and easily accessible straight from the website. It was a beautiful thing. Months later, trying to find a panel of a comic to take a screenshot of, I realized the collection had been taken down for copyright reasons. Sure, there's other collections of Archie Sonic comics, but those often fail to capture... Everything. Even the one I was looking at probably failed to capture everything. Some only have the early era of the comics, some only have the comics from Ian Flynn onwards. Some omit the spinoffs, others omit the end pages of the comics with fan mail and whatnot. One collection appears to be the most substantial, but seems to have forgotten a few pages in a few issues. It's just... Impossible, really. To get everything, and make it out in one piece.

I can't capture my paper doodles as accurately as they appear; in the Everything Drive, you zoom in enough, and you see pixels. There aren't pixels in real life. If I were to preserve every page of my high school notebooks, the scale of the collection would become gargantuan and completely inaccessible; just like Borges' map. I don't currently have the resources to download every video I've ever put on youtube or every stream I've done on twitch, and keep them on some external hard drives. I certainly don't have the space or even the time to preserve everything I love, everything I wish could stay just a little bit longer on this Earth. We all have our times to go, and all we can do is move just a few centimeters higher on this sinking ship.

So here I am, carving out my own corner, displaying only a select few categories of what I wish to preserve about myself. And in this corner, I'm happy.

Sorry if this rant is unhinged. I'm not deleting any of it. Guess I'm staying true to this topic, lmao.

I want to end by saying that if anyone wants to scroll through my Everything Drive (a google drive collection of as many digital + physical things ive made as im able to find and archive), I can send you a link! Just dm me if you wanna. Haven't fully finished organizing some recent art projects and a vast majority of my notebook doodles, but there's still already a fuck ton of shit in there.

Also my music streaming platform of choice is VLC Media Player

#leg answers asks

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wjbs-aus · 3 months

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Since this is having a resurgence kinda,

Reblog for a larger sample-size or something? Or not. Your call!

Context for each below.

Back in, like, 2016 or something, the Secondary School I was at did lifeguard training as part of its PE curriculum; one of the activities involved was rescuing a hollow plastic dummy. When it was my turn, I grabbed it, but it suddenly filled with water, and I was suddenly dragged to the bottom of the pool; eventually I managed to let go of it, and I was allowed to sit on one of the benches next to the pool for the rest of the session.

Last year, around Halloween, my dad randomly phoned me up and asked if I wanted him to buy me an axe or scythe from the Halloween section of Tesco. I said I wanted a scythe, and he bought it; it was very plain, and consisted of a hollow plastic tube and a simple-looking, poorly-moulded blade that slid over the top. It eventually got pretty badly-damaged, and my brother - in a fit of sleep-deprived impulsiveness - secretly bought me a cooler, much higher-quality one (the blade is actually a skull wearing a mask with a long "beak" attached to it!)

Technically, I don't have all the Skylanders figures I got when I played, since at least one is still at the flat I used to live in, but otherwise I have all of them. Also I only had Giants, Swap Force and Trap Team; I missed out on playing Spyro's Adventure, and I only had a Wii at the time so I couldn't play most of the games after it (except for Superchargers Racing, which is literally just the racing minigame from the fifth game but released on its own).

Play Hard Reset. Do it do it now. It's short, kinda frustrating at times and has questionable writing and voice-acting, but the aesthetic is really cool and it has an interesting mechanic where the player only has two weapons, but can unlock different modes for them that effectively mean the player has ten. I haven't played much of Hard Reset Redux, but it seems to be the same, but balanced a bit better and with much better dialogue.

I got into ZScript late last year, but I've got pretty good at both the inheritence system and making original stuff (which is technically jus the same as using inheritence, but you have to define everything yourself.

I can't remember exactly when this happened, but it was around either Halloween or Christmas (since Nightmare Before Christmas was on TV) and possibly in 2018; I made myself a cup of tea, but didn't notice that the kettle had limescale remover put into it (aside from the colour being a bit off). When I started drinking it, I immediately spat it out, and since then it's been known in my family as A Thing I Did Once™.

I love Sea Power! They make good music! Check out Let The Dancers Inherit The Party, it is their best album in my opinion!

Yep, done this one. Haven't finished Quake 1's second expansion and I'm only on, like, map 2 of Quake II, but I've played all of Quake IV's story campaign. Also, if it counts, Quake III's "singleplayer campaign", which is just a series of increasingly-difficult bot matches.

When I got Reaper one of the first things I recorded was a scream, which coincidentally ended up being a scarily-good impression of the headless bombers from Serious Sam.

A while ago, I tried playing the Game Boy Advance version of Bionicle Heroes with an emulator, since I wanted to check it out; when I tried playing it with VBA, it crashed on the second screen, and while another emulator (namely No$GBA) allowed to, I had to make a DS4 controller-profile specifically for use with it, since it wasn't registering my inputs properly with my regular one. Eventually I just bought a Bionicle Heroes GBA cartridge online so I could play using my DS Lite.

Anyway here's the new scythe.

This picture physically hurt to take, like I had to lean really far back and stretch my arm really far out

#poll #polls #oddly specific poll

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dentwy · 3 months

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number 7: here is greenwood

GREENWOOD!!!!!!!!! WOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay i'm cool. "here is greenwood" is a shoujo manga serialized in hana to yume from 1986 to 1991 written and drawn by nasu yukie. in 1991 until 1993 it got adapted into a 6 episode ova and this is kinda where it ends i feel. i wouldn't say it has had any kind of major impact in the medium, the genre or any major group of individuals, but god i do think it did stir something inside me.

i either tend to gravitate towards stuff that isn't particularly popular, because i'm trying to come off as cooler than i am or simply because it just happens naturally. couldn't tell you, but finding that one little thing you end up enjoying so much without anyone else seemingly caring about it is always fun regardless of your personality. turns out it's a lot easier to become the biggest fan of a thing no one has seen, you know. a bit like becoming the world record holder of a game no one has cared to speedrun, it's just funny.

picking out what consists of "my favorite shows of all time" isn't so easy once you've been watching media more seriously after a while, those starting years will definitely shape you up and become a major part of the main stuff you like. even if you fully know it's bad, you hold it close to yourself because it was there at the start, and it's always nice to think back on that. so, it often happens with me where i certainly enjoy something enough to think of it as "this could be a favorite, but does it deserve the spot?". not even sure right now if greenwood deserves it, but i don't know if it matters that much. i decided to make a list of "favorites that aren't favorites" because of greenwood and even if it doesn't stay there and goes up into the list, it sure means something.

ironically, i don't quite think this show came out as a surprise to me as i'd been hyping myself up before even getting into it. it did, though, take turns i wouldn't have seen coming and i'm glad for that. these days i honestly tend to watch anime based on the soundtrack and it's no different here. the soundtrack showed up in online platforms on september of last year, which is around where i found out about it since i already follow nagata shigeru (even if i haven't even seen ocean waves, he just makes good tracks). my first mention of it over discord was me getting mad at my bank while i was dealing with my phone insurance after i tried reading one piece and got my phone stolen 13 pages into the first chapter, but that's a story for another day. i just said "this is the soundtrack of me killing a man" with a link to shun's theme , which is honestly accurate for any man killing activities. in context however, there's a bit more to the story.

this is why, to anyone caring to read, i want to do the longest and probably only essay / analysis / backtrack / retrospective / whatever the hell for "here is greenwood" you will find online. i HAVE to be that guy. otherwise, what have i been obsessing over this thing for around a month? the show has 6 episodes while the manga has 11 volumes (although viz squished it into 9 which is better), so i'll be basing myself on the pacing of the anime in relation to the manga, back and forth between them so the chapters match up. the manga does, however, have more stuff to it throughout half of its runtime so it's gonna be a lot of that i suppose. although, and i'll get into it later, the anime seemingly ends up being the more enjoyable version of the two. otherwise, skip to the tldr in bold letters to avoid reading the long ramblings of a crazy man skimming through a show and manga you probably haven't seen and read.

we begin with the hero of our story. he doesn't really have anything that would actually make him a hero, he's just a teenage boy just starting his first year of highschool at ryokuto academy. his name is hasukawa kazuya and i don't blame people for making him the least popular of the 4 central characters on myanimelist, but he's still technically the main character. our dear boy kazuya is moving into the ryokuto dorms, because it turns out he's kinda the unluckiest guy you'll ever meet. his older brother just married the girl he had a crush on, and since they don't have any parents left, they're all living under the same roof, something he simply can't stand anymore. he took the entrance exam for this prestigious boys only school and managed to get in, but in the process he: almost got ran over by a car while he was visiting the school, barely managed to take the entrance exam since the trains were stopped by a blizzard, had his acceptance letter delayed in the mail, and got an ulcer the day of the entrance ceremony that forced him to stay hospitalized for a month. even if god is against him, he persevered, and finally got in.

kazuya is hot headed (almost literally since he's prone to getting nosebleeds), overly serious yet still a bit of a goofus. he's not particularly smart, but he proves himself with the sheer effort he can put into the things he wants to achieve. he often feels like he needs to be stronger and grow on his own, failing to rely on others, as he doesn't really like getting pampered either.

he is introduced to the dorm head, ikeda mitsuru, and the president of the student council, tezuka shinobu. the two most popular, best looking, and important members of the dorms, currently on their second year of highschool. these two are the ones that will introduce him to "greenwood", as they call the dorms, since the full name is kind of a mouthful.

inside room 210 rests his roommate, which he's quickly informed is, in fact, a girl. according to them, kisaragi shun was born a girl, it's just that her birth certificate and every record lists her gender as male. by this point, 8 minutes into the first episode i'm already clocking out. i understand we're talking about japan here and it's the 1980s (rest assured, this becomes more evident as it goes on), but i have the sneaking suspicion that gender identity can't be this series' forte. from my understanding, hibari-kun does tackle these topics in a proper manner and it was also a manga from the 80s, so perhaps it's not completely unheard of. besides, shoujo manga isn't known to be scared of tackling stuff the rest would never dare, but still. me, the audience, and the guy on screen, kazuya, are being informed that he absolutely must keep this fact a secret from the all the boys at the school. if he does not, there will be consequences. added to the fact this guy is seemingly pissed off at his brother for not being "manly enough" since he "works as a nurse" at this school (and also the fact he got married to the woman he liked, even if she's at least a decade older than him), we're not looking too hot. whatever, i'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

3 days go by for kazuya living with a girl in his room, often going outside to let her change, being uncomfortable at night and trying to ignore people's comments of his situation. he finds out, however, that it was nothing more than a farce. shun isn't a girl, he's just a cute guy with long hair. this dude got tricked into thinking otherwise only so everyone in the dorms could bet on how long it would take him to figure out. "damn! i lost... if only it took one more day..." you hear a guy in the background. greenwood, refers to "a nest for bandits and villains" which is all this place is. as much of a prestigious school as this may be, it doesn't speak for the people actually attending it.

there's the guy that sleeps with his motorcycle, the club used to devote their time to a made up religion, or the duo that rent out their room as an arcade. the main trio that will share their time with kazuya stand out as much as anyone else, if not more, so we should get into them.

shinobu (on the right) is the son of a prestigious family. he's calm and collected, devious and cunning. not a lot seems to change his expression, as he's swift and decisive yet his has his mischievous side as he often enjoys messing with people, and specially his roommate. mitsuru (left), is the handsome, aloof guy that simply loves giving kazuya as hard of a time as he can.

shun, aka the most popular character in the show, is a confident, assertive and strong willed young man. it just so happens he kinda looks like a girl. it is very often played for jokes, but not once does he mind it and finds enjoyment in it himself. he is, in fact, "a guy with a gender", as you could say. he leaves his hair long because he likes it, he dresses up however he feels like and often more feminine because he finds it fun, and he just knows who he is and what he wants to be, which is highly respectable. i was mentioning earlier about his theme and it's honestly pretty fitting for the guy, there's something magical and cheery about it that really sticks out, while having a tone of that seemingly feminine side.

these four are the rag tag greenwood team, getting into trouble, helping others and messing with each other. guys that maybe wouldn't usually be friends with each other, but it's always the time and place that will bring people together.

most of volume 1 isn't too dissimilar from episode 1, they change around the order of some scenes for it to make more sense and remove or add dialogue for it to flow better, but most of the main events stay intact. kazuya's main goal is to stay far from his home to avoid thinking about sumire, the woman he loves and his now sister in law. this is what he's in greenwood for. it's not as simple as "running away" from it and his feelings, but trying to come to terms with it, get distracted, and find himself. the main overarching theme of this series is moving past a love that was not meant to be. whether it's by moving away, making new friends or finding new love, the goal is the same. ironically, the people around him don't really allow him to move past so easily, since his brother is still around all the time, his friends kinda make fun of him for it (because it is funny) and sumire herself is so oblivious to it that it keeps stabbing him in the heart which, yeah, i get it.

vimeo

not sure if you, dear reader, has had the experience of being in a dorm with other people, or going through a moment of unrequited love, but it doesn't get any realer than this! for one, living with people close to you for a while is just a nice experience. always having people to rely on, to hang out with, to talk to, at any given moment. almost to the point you may start depending on it. as a matter of fact, the room i shared with other people for a bit was 211, the same one mitsuru and shinobu are in! for the other, trying to move past something like that isn't the easiest. in fact, it may just be the aftermath that's the hardest and that takes the longest, that is, finding the same feeling somewhere else. filling that spot with something new, or someone new. cannot really blame a guy for trying so hard to change his life around.

kazuya decides to stay in the dorms for summer vacation, as he insists he does not want to set foot home, and sumire decides to pay him a visit. not only her but his brother kazuhiro also plays fun with him at times simply because he likes to see his reaction. he's kind of a goat, but he does genuinely care for his brother. later he's informed he can't stay in the dorms for winter holidays, which is what forces him to go back home for once.

half of the first volume doesn't get adapted probably to improve the pacing, although the extra chapters also don't feel too substantial to the story overall. in one of them the lights go off at the dorms and a couple of girls get in, which they initially think are ghosts, only to turn out they're not. it's not that exciting of a chapter and the show does a better version of this a bit later on. besides, i believe that not showing as many female characters in the ovas works better for the series, as opposed to the manga which starts doing it more often from here.

after kazuya goes back home for the first time in a while, the boys meet up out in the city. here, they find a strange looking girl being tailed by men in suits. it only turns out this girl is "nitta mieko", an idol that simply wanted to get some free time for herself while her agency wouldn't let her. uh, she becomes a bit of a prominent character throughout the manga, while she doesn't really appear at all in the anime. to the actual plot itself, she doesn't do a whole lot, she just comes and goes from time to time. not much against her, it only feels like she's just there.

for another chapter, they're already on valentine's day, meaning they will get chocolate. shun mentions he's straight and he had a girlfriend already which the rest find strange, i suppose. both mitsuru and shinobu get all the girls from other schools to wait outside and throw chocolates at them, to which they run away from. kazuya has one girl that's a bit obsessed with him, yet he doesn't remember her name nor who she is. she mistakes shun for a girl, so she gives up on him quick, though. i'm a bit iffy with this chapter because even if it is supposed to be a well known fact that mitsuru is constantly getting girls to ask him out (and he's generally also unlucky with said girls) the anime doesn't actually show much of that, unlike the manga. i don't think this is bad though, it's more of a thing they just say but never really show as you're kind of invited to fill in the blanks for yourself. since it is only 6 episodes they obviously skip around a lot of parts of the year, and i don't think it's quite necessary to see everything they do, as getting a glimpse around their life is all you need to understand how they're doing and what a random day in greenwood can be like. the manga almost incessantly needs to show both mitsuru and shinobu as the popular guys and since we're talking about an all boys school, even if they are popular, it doesn't feel like it's something that should happen so often and at such a big scale, in my opinion.

kazuya also simply not knowing who the girl that has a crush on him seems off and a bit too early. i suppose his mind is still focused on sumire, sure. so, he's probably not ready to move on that quick? even then, the situation kind of presents itself in front of him and he simply fumbles it for no major reason, he simply does not know the girl from his previous school.

the final chapter sets up the next volume, where mitsuru gets abducted by none other than shinobu's big sister. the anime does a funny thing here on episode 2 where they kinda tell you "go read the chapter for context" but it doesn't really matter. the episode centers around shinobu's sister, nagisa, kidnapping shun's little brother, reina, who obviously looks like a little girl because feminine looking boys is a staple of the kisaragi household. this is, in turn, a direct sequel to the manga chapter.

nagisa hates her brother because he's kinda just better than her really. she's stuck up, pretentious, demanding and selfish. since they were little she always wanted to be seen as the superior one, and because shinobu doesn't give a damn about anything, he never really cared about whatever she tried doing to him. part of their father's favoritism towards shinobu must certainly come from the fact she's a woman, i will not deny that, and she has the right to be mad. she's still an awful person though and only wants her to be the one to inherit the family business. so, to "take revenge" on him, she decides to kidnap his friend. genius!

part of the volume is dedicated to them finding out it's her and then going to save him. in the process mitsuru tries to escape and makes fun of her. he ends up with only his underwear on to, uh, make it worse for him? i guess? in the process of escaping mitsuru gets his face cut which was supposed to be something they planned on doing to ruin how pretty he was or something, but apparently mitsuru has superpowers so the skin on his face simply fixes itself instantly. now, greenwood isn't scared of the supernatural, weird things will happen. but having his face regenerate is a bit too much in my opinion. i think it would be a really solid joke for him to "suddenly be fine the next page" instead of it actually and legitimately being superhuman. would play on the meta and sell the ridiculousness of it even more. which seems even weirder considering nasu loves to play with meta jokes. she will often draw herself commenting on facts or details that don't really make sense so she can address them herself, or have the characters directly refer to her or the manga as a whole. in this same chapter in fact, she mentions how it doesn't make sense that they're still in their first and second year of highschool if holidays are already over. i think some of these jokes are fine, but nasu loves doing it a little bit too much for my taste.

anyway, what the anime does instead, as i mentioned, is have shun's little brother be the victim. nagisa decided that she won't deal with boys anymore and only cares about girls now, so he picks up reina instead (unbeknownst to her that he's actually a boy). i think this take on it is better, since shinobu ends up knowing what the deal is way faster and manages to figure out a plan for the rest of the boys to follow. reina does, too, mess with her and her agents by asking for food and to take a shower, which gets weirder than it should! these guys kinda get really flustered about the supposed little girl they've kidnapped which is extremely weird (one of them even trying to peep while he's taking a shower!). nagisa is also really weird about it at the start but we know for a fact she's a terrible person so whatever. it tries to follow with the joke that people often mistake the kisaragi boys for girls, but it could've been something else, you know. specially when it's grown ass adults we're talking about, but whatever, it's still a fun episode. all of this ends with shinobu giving his sister a final warning, effectively pointing a gun at her and saying he was gonna take care of her this time for sure. only to turn out it's a toy gun. a little detail that stands out at the end of this episode, in a strange way, is mitsuru making fun of kazuya for developing a crush on igarashi miya, a girl from an all girls highschool that will become relevant later. it's a bit funny because by this point they have never shown the two of them interacting, and the first time that he will see her is later on in the anime. however i think it's mostly working as a little nod of foreshadowing, as the events in the ovas don't really seem to be in chronological order.

what is honestly surprising is the chapter that follows this, still on volume 2. a side story about two guys from the dorms in room 117 ending up as a couple and finding out they're gay. i'd honestly recommend just reading this chapter, as it's surprisingly good and i'm almost left wishing they had adapted it. they sure do the "but it can't be, he's a guy!" / "there's no way i'm a homosexual!" and sure, one of the two guys also does look like a girl, but it's cute and well handled in my opinion. throughout both the show and manga kazuya stays as the guy that like, simply doesn't know gay people exist, i think. he's not inherently homophobic, i'd say. he's always genuinely shocked as if he doesn't know what just happened, almost to the point it's funny. it simply does not process in his mind and he resets.

next chapter is about girls from another school taking pictures of mitsuru with his shirt off because it's too hot? and shinobu has diarrhea. the one after that, the boys go to the pool. everyone there thinks shun is a girl (as usual) so they ask him to go into the women's dressing room, and the lifeguard gets disappointed to find out he's a guy, but their outfits are sick so it's fine.

we continue to see kazuya being the one taking care of dorm head duty since mitsuru is away for the week. reina rolls up to the dorm and he's actually way more of an annoying brat than in the anime. kazuya lowkey bullies the kid and thinks shun should be rougher with him, or something. he still kinda has that thing of being disappointed that his brother isn't tough for whatever reason.

volume 3 starts school sports festival, not a thing we see in the anime. shun is dressed up as a cheerleader, kazuya is the fastest runner alive, shinobu set up bets for each team. typical stuff. later we see a girl show up at the school because her girlfriend was going there to see someone else. every single one of the boys absolutely loses their mind at the sight of a "real lesbian" who they thought was nothing more than a myth, and then it just turns out the her girlfriend saw mitsuru dressed up as a woman as part of the festival event (which they never even showed) and she was interested. rest of the volume is mieko showing up again asking for a favor because someone is trying to assassinate her, the boys celebrating new year's, a kid trying to figure out if shinobu is evil to get into the journalism club, and the motorcycle guy getting a real girlfriend.

a thing the manga definitely does better over the anime is showing the rest of the people in the dorms. although i barely even up remembering their names, they sure are there and have their own things going on. they do become more prevalent and they're part of greenwood as a whole. i just don't particularly feel like they stand out as characters themselves? some of their stories are fine and all but they serve as a bunch of background dudes that chip in at stuff most of the time. while it is cool to see the dorms more lived in, they're also not so important that it makes them feel like they actually matter, if it make sense.

as the manga goes on it starts feeling like a bit of a bottleneck. by no means is it not entertaining, it's simply that it jumps around between stuff that doesn't feel like it amounts to a lot. probably the reason why as i continue explaining things here i go over these chapters with stuff to say about them. next is volume 4 though! so almost halfway through!

this volume shows us the woman that shinobu's older brother (because it seems he has one) was supposed to marry. i believe, she doesn't really amount to much in the story, so i won't even go into detail about her. they go into a flashback with how shinobu and mitsuru met in their first year and fought, to then end up respecting each other. it's cool.

the rest of the volume is half a dragon quest parody and the other half a ghost story. both of these do, in fact, appear in the anime. however, they do so in a different way. in the manga, the fantasy manga parody is really just that, a sort of spin off that goes for a couple chapters. in the ova, the boys at the dorms plan on filming a movie to show at the festival, which is honestly such a cooler idea. they show them going around planning and filming stuff. shinobu and mitsuru even have to go pose for the self insert manga author that uses them as reference for her next manga so they can get the outfits they need. it's a whole process of them showing how they're doing this indie movie at their own school while cutting into the actual scenes of the supposed movie, real neat stuff.

in the other chapters, they go to a hotel shun's family just acquired and stay for the night. it just so turns out it's haunted and a bunch of girls try to get the boys to become ghosts as well so they can be together. mitsuru, however, manages to exorcise them since his family runs a shrine and he simply knows how to do that (?). ironically, he's the one that needs to get an exorcism in the ova.

this episode is one of my favorites by far. the lights go dark in greenwood, just like they did in volume 1 long ago. this time, mitsuru gets haunted by a girl he doesn't know. what's funny about this is that she is just a normal, cute girl and nothing else. she hangs around, talks to them, plays games, etc. fully visible to everyone, you simply can't touch her. mitsuru gets into trouble for bringing a girl into the dorms since he's clearly not allowed to, but it's not like he can do anything about it. he gets really stressed out and consistently asks her to leave him alone (which, wow. rude). i'm almost definitely biased here but this girl is actually voiced by the same woman that does my favorite character in the trails series, so, yeah. she's just really cute and fun and doesn't really hinder his daily activities in the slightest so seeing him get really pissed off about it is entertaining. the way the episode starts is also my current favorite thing ever:

this episode perfectly encapsulates the charm that has me tied to greenwood. the music, the characters, the wacky situations that get oddly real for short spans. by the end of the episode, she reveals that there isn't any major reason for her to be haunting mitsuru besides the fact that he's good looking. she simply hadn't ever kissed anyone before dying, and she wanted to do that. he strictly refuses because he's a little baby bitch and she leaves. instead, a day later, she tricks him by picking up the cat and having him kiss it. except that she's actually not done with him because she still likes him, so she brings a bunch of other ghost girls to mess with them. really funny. again, ironic, how he's the one getting haunted this time and he can't do anything about it.

the two final episodes of the anime are the most relevant arc of the series, which won't happen until much later in the manga. so we keep moving.

volume 5 takes place around the school festival, the one they made a movie for in the ova. kazuya gets tricked into a game of ping pong to see who would get the main role for the play they're doing, while shun does also take part of a different play. basically, we get 3 of the 4 main guys to dress up as women. shun's play is lupin's castle of cagliostro, which did also happen in the anime as an extra special segment at the end of that episode and it's really neat.

the rest of the volume has a new guy show up claiming that kazuhiro isn't worthy enough to be married to sumire. this guy is just her cousin, which is also in love with her, so let's leave it there. at the end they show a flashback into how the two of them met back in college, to then get introduced into the hasukawa household. this flashback is neat overall, it gives further information on how they've been doing as a family of two brothers, and a bit of insight into both kazuhiro and sumire's relationship.

sumire has been with them since kazuya was around 14, while she was in her early 20s, which i suppose isn't too terrible for him to fall in love? it obviously wouldn't work out regardless of the circumstance, but this isn't something they actually ever try to push for or imply it could've happened. not a lot more than teenage love, you know. what is actually fun is getting the news that sumire is pregnant with a boy. it doesn't really shape the story at all, but in the large scheme of things it does try to show the shift between their relationship and kazuya's feelings, which is great to see.

volume 6 has one chapter of shinobu meeting an alien that tells him he has a specimen that looks exactly like him who recently escaped containment. shinobu shoots him and doesn't flinch at the idea of killing someone that looks exactly like him, maybe because he's more of a robot than whatever this alien made could be, but we're still stretching the logic of this manga the more we go.

following chapter is the boys playing baseball against a friend of mitsuru's, fun chapter. the dorms move on to the next year, and they do actually start their second and third year of highschool. kazuya is the one becoming the dorm head this time, either because mitsuru likes to mess with him and / or because he does genuinely respect the guy. kazuya isn't too sure himself, though. some new students show up like the kid from singapore who they keep trying to explain things to as if he's some sort of otherworldly being, and he also shows signs of being completely clueless on how stuff works like not even knowing what a school trip is. i asked someone i know if this is true and they said that people in singapore do know what a school trip is (as i assumed), but sure. the school trip does happen, where they meet mieko once again and she asks mitsuru to do some modelling for a tv ad. this becomes a whole thing with mitsuru not being sure whether or not he wants to do it because like, his brother will think that he's only doing it to attract the attention of his "real parents" because actually he feels that he's not really part of his family since he's adopted? it's weird, the adoptive part will come into place later (although it's not that big either).

in volume 7 kazuya's nephew is born and they need to take care of him because sumire was gonna give them a couple of tickets for the ice ring. in the ice ring, two girls try to trick shinobu and mitsuru into becoming their partners because they need a couple to do competitive ice skating, or something. the conclusion is shinobu saying "why doesn't one of you get a sex change?" and they think it's genius and leave it at that. hooray for surgery. there's another three side stories with an edo era spin off, the boys going into the kisaragi onsen, and the duo in the arcade room getting cursed by an evil videogame you have to beat in one go.

it doesn't end with, but midway through we got the start of the main final arc, the one with igarashi miya. miya is a girl mitsuru used to know back on his previous school, she seems to be a bit of a delinquent that got into trouble with some girls over turf conflicts. she needs a place to stay for the night and tries to get help at greenwood. kazuya insists in helping her and offering his room even if it's strictly forbidden, because he sees something in her eyes. there's a certain sadness and uncertainty he's not sure about, so he wants to know more.

she explains to kazuya about her situation, and it turns out, she's not as tough as she seems. she doesn't like that people see her as a delinquent, she's not strong, she's a bit of a scaredy cat and is always trying to keep herself from crying. in the process of helping her and getting the girls from the other school to stop annoying her, kazuya realizes that, whoops! he kind of likes her! unfortunate for him, she already has a boyfriend. she does really insist that he's a good guy since he's always been there for him. on the other hand, kazuya wonders why was it because of him that she turned into a delinquent, or why doesn't she ever feel loved by him. she feels that he doesn't like her for who she is but rather he believes he likes her because they've always been together. not a lot he can do about it though, as he doesn't really have an excuse to see her again.

the anime doesn't change much here, the episode starts with kazuya already dwelling about her as they usually do with these episodes, starting with the aftermath of the events and recapping on what happened to them. i do like this, i'll say.

volume 8 is the last one before overlapping with the final episode, so it's mostly filled with extra chapters. there's one about a boy not going to class because he hates one of the teachers, another one with mitsuru getting tailed by a girl (again) who loves the made up version of mitsuru she imagined while seeing his commercial, devilwood again with the dragon quest fantasy manga parody, and the sports festival once more. the thing i like about the sequel to the sports festival is how kazuya gets into the track team to distract himself from thinking about miya, which seems to work for a bit. not essential, but realistic.

another one of the chapters is him falling off a ladder and landing in an alternate dimension where everyone is female, which is actually kinda fun, if not a little bit short. they call it "cherrywood" instead of greenwood, and there's actually a version of this they had the voice actors record as part of the drama cds. there are a couple of these mainly for the special chapters like the sports festival and stuff, they're neat. once kazuya comes back to his world the boys in the dorm keep dropping themselves off the ladder to see if they can go there as well so it's pretty funny.

i think the girl that was obsessed with mitsuru is somewhat a different version of the ghost girl from episode 4, although this one gets so mad at so many things he does that he legitimately cannot go around doing anything without having this girl break into tears, so it's funny i'll let it slide. i insist that having mitsuru be overwhelmed by girls all the time doesn't give the vibe of the "all boys dormitory life" that most of the series tries to push forward, but only some of them wouldn't hurt too much, i suppose.

we arrive to the final volume, as well as the last episode. had you been reading and watching these alongside, you would have a decent grasp of all the activities these people have gotten involved with. the thing is that, the 6 ova episodes released some time after the manga was already finished, meaning that it's not like anyone actually expected you to go back and forth between each other. it would be impractical to do so anyway without knowing what actually gets adapted and not. i've seen people mention that the way these episodes are formatted makes it so only a fan of the original manga would be able to enjoy it, with how much time is skipped between each one. i can't really agree with this point, as it is very much structured in the normal episodic anime way, only with some details here and there that probably don't end up being super clear since they weren't addressed but don't actually hinder the overarching narrative or actual character interactions. after all, these dynamics work well enough on their own to be used in whatever situation they get in. it's not that the manga does not do this, but it often feels like they're there to fill time rather than to simply entertain. more often than not, the chapters feel disorganized, same-y and as if they don't have any major purpose to be there than simply "what if x thing happened". it happens, and it's over. probably not inherently a bad thing, i guess it's a matter of presentation after all. ironically, the manga may just feel like more targeted towards fans than the adaptation, as it really takes a long while for these relationships to grow and develop. if i get too many details, it'll get stale and won't feel like i'm really learning much until something major happens. if i just get the core elements, i can build the gaps myself. less can definitely be more. dudes will be dudes, after all.

in that regard, the episode starts with kazuya helping out at mitsuru's house. the place used to be a bigger temple, but over time the land was reduced and the place isn't what it used to be. not a big deal for them though, as they still maintain the place. it's a nice family of 4. mother, father and siblings. sho, mitsuru's younger brother is only a few weeks younger than him, as by the time they found mitsuru outside their house, it had already been a little bit since he was born.

adoption is usually treated as a careful subject matter, but i don't really think it should be. throughout the manga, mitsuru has his moments of doubting himself, his past, where he comes from and his family. he cares about them and they care about him, specially his brother, but there's always a weird air to it. since he is the older son, he would be the one to take over the shrine, which he's not really sure if he wants to do himself. his mother makes sure to tell him that he doesn't need to worry about it, he should just do whatever he wants to do. his brother misses him, but he needs to focus on himself too. sho seems to be angry at him because mitsuru mentions how he is trying to go live on his own as soon as he can. this is where we get a little bit iffy.

from what i am able to gather, mitsuru feels indebted to his family. they aren't blood related, so sure, he loves them but he knows that they had no right to take him in and they did anyway. it's not that they actually show any sign of it being a pain on them or anything, he is just a son to them. i suppose he feels bad for taking his brother's spot for the shrine, but he doesn't even need to take the place if he doesn't want to. so, in the end, "wanting to leave home as soon as possible" is kinda just a normal thing i believe. i mean sure, deep down it's probably because he doesn't want to be more of a burden, and even if he's not he still wants to make their life easier. this is fine. he makes it such a bigger deal than it should ever be, though. his brother gets pissed at him and his response is "i'm not trying to be an outsider, i am an outsider" my guy what are you saying. kazuya goes as far as to ask him if he ever thinks of his blood related parents and he says no, so what is even his deal? mitsuru wonders to himself if you can still be family even if you aren't blood related, kazuya says that it's love that matters. unfortunately this is literally where this ends and it will never be brought up again or be concluded, because miya appears in front of them. it's unfortunate that it doesn't really get any closure, i feel exploring the meaning of family, specially with kazuya's situation being a thing, could be a really cool addition to the series. nevertheless, it doesn't happen. mitsuru just says that, he feels like he has to leave home as soon as he can, his brother doesn't like this mentality, and that is it. not even the manga chooses to explore this further, that's all there is.

they bump miya and his boyfriend tenma on their way back to the dorms, kazuya still sees that expression in her face, as if she's about to cry but she's holding back. now before getting ahead of ourselves this guy isn't abusing her or anything, he is kind of just a dude. not the best dude, but a dude nonetheless. miya has been wanting to say thanks to kazuya for a while, but she never gathered the courage to go visit him and say thanks. she would go nearby the school and then run away, never sure herself of why she was doing that. this time with the opportunity right in front of her, the only thing she manages to say is "i'm sorry". inevitably, this almost kills kazuya and gets him sick for a couple of days.

"sorry" doesn't really cut it. sorry for what? she didn't do anything. kazuya decides to give her a call after his brother convinced him to. his counseling is essentially: "you shouldn't care about the other guy, focus on yourself", which is fair enough i suppose, but i think a situation like this is very much gonna depend on who you're talking about. kazuya doesn't want to ask a girl with a boyfriend out, no one wants to be the guy that steals someone else's girlfriend really. but you know, there's something going on here too, as she doesn't seem particularly happy with him either. i think this brother bonding is a good moment for the two of them, although not the most particularly touching. kazuhiro is a fun guy, he is confident and he would do anything he needs to get the girl he loves (he did, after all, get the girl his own brother loved). it does come off as a little weird piece of advice from his part, but it works in context so that's all he needs to call her. she does, however, say sorry again and hang up instantly.

"i heard hasukawa got rejected by that delinquent girl", no! he hasn't even said anything to her! so the guy decides to wait outside her school to see her. he stays for a week until he finds out she was hospitalized, they find where she's staying and she's already gone. he sends her a letter but tenma grabs it before she can read it. luck is never on his side. persistence, however, never fails. a little bit of a bizarre thing here, tenma explains how "you need a special permission from their parents to date the girls from this school" which i don't - know, if it's a real thing or not in some japanese schools and honestly i don't even feel like looking it up right now. they both leave and run away from kazuya, leaving him alone.

then, on their way home:

vimeo

which is an excellent moment, although my favorite part of this is how loud the trains are it's so funny to me i can't even begin to explain. tenma is a bit of a self centered prick, he mostly shows off his nice side but he's the guy that wants things to go his way all the time, you know. he didn't particularly do anything wrong, he's just a bit of a toxic influence on miya. he's the reason she became a delinquent so maybe he would care about her more (or get scared and dump her), he's the reason why she doesn't feel loved or particularly pretty, he's the reason why she's so sheltered. having a guy like him that won't let you do the things you want, always holding your hand and trying to keep you "safe" isn't part of a healthy relationship. kazuya is the one that incites her into being herself, opening up, finding her strength and dealing with her weakness. "i'm with you", is what he replies to her once she tells him how he feels. it's about finding that person that will be there for you, the one that will always be around and, most of all, love you unconditionally.

the rest of the manga has a little bit of the aftermath and how the people at greenwood are doing. it, once more, doesn't stand out from the crowd. they're not bad chapters, they're fun. the story is already over, though. the final chapter is actually nasu drawing a bunch of reader requests she never got to do and kazuya inviting some of his friends over to show them around greenwood and work on a project (friends we have never ever seen nor have been mentioned before now, but whatever). here is greenwood in all its glory.

if you didn't care to read all of that, great. this is the tldr; greenwood is about finding that next opportunity. mainly in love, but in most things in life. the anime adaptation takes things in some fresher directions, streamlining the experience and focusing on what is important. in the span of 6 episodes we get to know these guys, what their deal is and how their relationship works and shapes who they are. some more than others, but meeting new people you care about and will be there for you when you need it (for better or for worse) is what makes us human, and what inevitably helps us grow as people. grow out of pains, grow into understanding others and what makes us who we are.

there's something special about the serenity behind it all that i can't quite put into words, hence why i didn't go into much detail. the backgrounds are often soft and share a clean palette with a watercolor texture to it that makes it feel like a never ending dream. compared to the manga in this case, nasu's art is nice and specially with the covers and colored pieces, but it does take a while for characters to particularly pop or look like themselves as they often suffer from the same face syndrome shoujo manga can be known for. color goes a long way into helping battle this. the manga does also often rely on jokes that maybe aren't as funny in the current age, so there's that too.

the music helps sell the impact of it all, with the magical orchestra that follows around the almost play like scenarios that overcome greenwood on a daily basis. as the subtitle reads "under the tree of memories", like looking back on the moments that mattered the most and shaped the future. the theme of greenwood echoing behind this feeling. some of the other songs they made for the show sell the fun of it all as well i'd strike a comparison with ocean waves considering it's the same director and the same guy doing the music, but i haven't actually seen that so there isn't anything i can mention.

in retrospect, 6 episodes isn't really a whole lot. there's 3 of them that center around some plot and then the other 3 are extra content that focus on whatever the hell they felt like. it's obviously not something for everyone, i'm not gonna come out and say this is a must watch or anything like that, only how i feel about things. stuff doesn't need to be deep, it can just be for self fulfillment. it's often the mindless things that get the most enjoyment out of me, being there to have a good time before anything else. exactly what they do here at any moment, picking out a day at random and making the most out of it. a day where any one of these bandits will get into trouble and they'll come out of it with a smile.

i could wish it was a bit longer. maybe add some of the chapters with the other boys at the dorms, add the part with kazuya's nephew and then him entering the track team and idk, maybe the one with mitsuru and his commercial to actually give an ending to his whole adoptive family thing. alas, this is what we get, and i will not complain.

had it been at a different point in my life i watched this, i probably wouldn't care as much. it speaks to a part of me i hadn't learned about years ago, and would probably only look back on fondly into the future. those things that happen and make you rethink stuff for a good while and, in turn, open your horizons. so, feeling identified with media and connecting with stuff is a bit of what we do this for, i think.

#here is greenwood #koko wa greenwood #anime #review #media analysis #anime and manga #90s anime

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