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vee-is-a-clown · 1 year

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I umm uh minific

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Lance glanced down at the small drawing of swords on Keith's notes (Lance couldn't be bothered to write anything down and he doesn't remember shit so he's stealing his boyfriend's notes even though he could barely read his handwriting). Well, not really the drawing. His eyes skipped to the lazily scribbled, "K.K." in the bottom right corner.

"Your initials are KK?"

"What?"

"You signed your doodle with K.K."

"And you didn't realize those were my initials in the entire time that you've known me? If I remember correctly, Iverson called me by my last name in Garrison."

"Mmm.. Shut up, K.K. Slider. I didn't connect the dots until now."

Lance leaned back to lay on his back, his head on Keith's pillow and kicked Keith in the thigh. It wasn't really a kick. From his position, he couldn't really do anything more than a slight jab with his foot. Keith let out a stifled chuckle at the attempt.

Lance turned on his side to put the meeting notes on Keith's bedside table then turned back to Keith with a faux scowl.

"You're not allowed to laugh. You're Keith Kogane."

"Mhm, ok, Pumpkin."

Lance crossed his arms and "kicked" Keith in the leg again. Keith didn't laugh this time, though he did send Lance an amused look.

"What're you doing?"

"Just stop opening your mouth."

"Aw, is there something wrong with the way I talk, Bubblegum dear?"

His Texan accent was bleeding into his speech, making everything about this situation about 10 times worse. Lance could definitely feel his face get hotter.

"Yes. Shut your pie hole."

Keith turned his body to face Lance and leaned toward him, putting his hand next to Lance's leg to stabilize himself.

"Whatever happened to please?"

"Whatever happened to you acting- normal?"

Lance attempted to motion with his arms to no avail. Keith tilted his head like a confused dog.

"Normal?"

"Poor choice of words."

"Do you want a thesaurus?"

"No, I hate you."

"You're currently laying on my bed."

"Shush!"

"I'll shush when I want to, Ranger."

Keith shifted to lay on his side next to Lance. He propped his head in his palm, looking down at Lance.

"It is getting pretty late though.."

"What are you trying to imply, Mullet?"

"Nothing, just we should probably go to sleep. It's a shame that the lights are on."

"I see what you're doing. You're trying to get me to get out of the comfy bed and turn off the lights for you. Well good sir, I say-"

"Not it!"

Lance gasped.

"You sneaky snook!"

"Go turn the lights off."

"How dare you!"

"The less time it takes for you to turn the lights off, the more beauty sleep you can get."

"Urghhh! Fine! But you owe me."

"Just go turn off the lights, you dork."

Lance got up and sprinted to the light switch, flipping it and running back in the dark. He hopped onto the bed and laid back into his previous spot.

"What's my time, coach?"

"I dunno but you were very speedy."

"It's absolute bullshit that I have to turn the lights off when Galras can see in the dark. You can see on the way back to the bed."

"Who lent you their meeting notes because you don't want to admit to Allura that you can't remember anything she said? That's right, me. Ungrateful."

"Who can't write legibly and spent the majority of the meeting drawing in the corners of the paper? That's right, you. Humble yourself."

"Ungrateful."

Keith sighed and plopped his head on the pillow. It really was late.

"We really should get to sleep."

"Whatever you say, Texas Red."

"Good night, Bluebell."

"Sweet dreams, Keith."

While Lance can fall asleep in seconds (a real skill) it still takes Keith a little bit longer. He allowed himself to relax, letting the tiredness consume him. But before he let himself fall asleep, he put his hand on Lance's cheek and thought about how lucky he was to be the one who snagged this dumbass.

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racky000 · 3 months

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El método científico 😻

#racky's art #tmnt donatello #tmnt #tmnt 2012 #now im going to draw Donnie and Casey singing together and nobody can stop me #i don't know how to use hash tags send help #I'm just going to put a lot of them #tmnt fanart #teenage mutant ninja turtles #teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012

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radioves · 1 year

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its quite shrimple actually

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master-k0hga · 2 months

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| ... Well, I WAS ok with this last night, but now I'm not entirely happy with this doodle...-

Oh well, not like they're the main focus on this blog, I'm mostly really focusing on my OCs and the other few personal projects here... Although doesn't help with Tumblr just no longer filtering themselves, showing off their true colours for the longest time and also jumping on the "AI" bandwagon too along with just being a dictated lot like the rest of the assholes who make up 100% percentage of all brands-

I'm just a fucking idiot who just wants to draw OCs, post random fcking art and show it off when I'm not fcking working and killing myself over a job that will never release me from the clutches of bullshit!

WHAT WAS SO. FUCKING. HARD ABOUT KEEPING ONLINE AS A DUMBASS PLACE WHERE THERE WAS NO PLAGIARISM, POLITICAL BULLSHIT FOR SITES TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AND FUCK THEIR OWN USERBASES. WHILE ACTIVELY CONTROLLING AND TAKING THEIR FREEDOM AWAY!

Not like we ever had freedom to begin with-

Twitter, Reddit, YouTube, DeviantART, Instagram, T- HERE! WHEREEVER FUCKING ELSE! Fuck all CEOs and teams of the online world, people just wanted ONE place where they could escape hells of reality even just for a LITTLE WHILE and NOW look what you did- Kill yourselves!! I fcking hate corporates I hate the rich I hate the system and I hate governments all around thr world, D I E ffs fuck humans and their greed I hope this shit ass race gets OBLITERATED with NO fcking trace of the human existence left!! Fucking disease, pests, a literal INFECTION of life itself!

Fuck you fuck you fuck you I hate this fcking world, do me a fcking favor and fcking blow up already!! I've had e-fucking-nough

. Art © Me . DON’T RE-POST .

#.....#AND FUCK YOU TOO!!#........#MASTER-K0HGA #Ary / Kohga Chronicles #Ary / Kohga OCs and Works #.......#No I'm not gonna fcking tag this shit!! Why tf should I!?#Nobody fcking gives a shit. Let alone the people who are ACTIVELY GETTING MASSACRED TO OBLIVION AND BACK!!#Humans are a fcking selfish lot and you can see it with the cunts who run it!#The cunts we vote for are all vile and evil and desrrve to get shot and killed #The shit ass rich cunts who try to ''influence'' our way of thinking and speaking to benefit themselves #Make themselves more fcking richer or whatever. Dickheads dictating and controlling people's lives #Assholes being cunty assholes who also need to die! Fuck everyone who says the good outways the bad #IT FCKING DOESN'T AND YOU CAN STOP THAT DELUDED BULLSHIT!! HUMANS ARE NOT FREE #WE ARE LIKE ANTS!! WE ARE AN ANT COLONY WHO'S JOB IS TO WORK TIL WE'RE DEAD #THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING THE GOVERNMENT DOES IS TO NOT. BENEFIT. OR. HELP. US #CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL AND THEY JUST GO BACK TO THEIR FCKING YACHTS HAVING-#THE MOST EXPENSIVE SHIT ASS WINES AND DINES WHILE WE WORK OUR ASSES OFF TIL OUR BONES BLEED RED #TIL THERE'S NOT LEFT OF OUR MIND OR ENERGY TO THINK. SPEAK. LISTEN AND FIGHT FOR OURSELVES!!#THIS IS THE REASON WHY PEOPLE CRACK AND KILL EITHER THEMSELVES OR OTHERS!!#EVEN OUR FCKING HARD WORK IS BEING USED AND PROFITED AGAINST US. AND THERE ARE STILL #CORPORATE SHILLS WHO ACTIVELY SUCK THE OPPRESSORS DICK LIKE A LOLLIPOP. YOU'RE BEING UUUUSED!!!#I'M BEING USED. WE'RE ALL BEING FCKING USED AND PEOPE ARE TOO COWARDLY OR DELUDED TO SEE THAT #THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. ME. OR US. YOU SOLVE ALL ISSUES BY SNUFFING THEM OUT #KILL. THEM #YOU KILL THE OPPRESSORS. THE ONES IN CHARGE WHO USE FALSE HOPE IN EVERY WAY #..... YES I AM FCKING PISSED. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS!!#...... Anyways this is a fairly recent post so. I'm gonna get on with this little art spam for now.#It's been a couple months since I mentioned about it so.. Yeah whatever..

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stereax · 1 month

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woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

#sterechats :)#09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway #what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again?#probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D #10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire #like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it #I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring!#but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3 #11:00 pm - I need to get out of here #I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me #everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense #why am I even writing these tags what does it matter #I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing #maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore #I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha #11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one #how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good #everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now #here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah)#11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive #in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love #I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day #maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it!#maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead...#1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am #not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep #and I don't want this to post when I'm awake #I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always #because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really #I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay

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i-will-write · 11 months

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Guess who posted a new wip instead of working on literally anything else? That's right: me!

#link coming soon #if only because I crave validation #but also #i literally wrote this in 3 hours right now #because apparently I'm alone in the office today #bc everybody was smarter then me and asked for today off bc tomorrow in a national holiday #so they have like... a 4 day holiday while using only 1 day #so yeah #nobody can stop me from using my work laptop to write and post fics lmaooo #ao3 #fanfiction #writing #fanfic #wip

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mooodyblue · 11 months

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tags again. ignore me 🥸

#hello venting again #i have not been doing very well #and i am very sad that i can't ever fully regress n have to just put it all into my writing #and i want a cg !!! i want to ramble abt my interests to someone n show off my pretty little pictures !!!!#and it also sucks because a few weeks ago i lost everything i used for my regression forever and starting over sucks so bad #all my plushies r gone and i only have a few now and i don't have many coloring books anymore which is the worst part of it #n i've been like ... considering joining that side of tumblr too but i rly can't be bothered to make another blog :(#i am just #vvvvvv sad #i always have to be big cuz i have to check on ppl or someone might need me for something i can never be fully tiny n i hate itttttt #n i know i need this badly right now cause my brain has not been treating me very well recently and i'm trying to not Do Bad Things #but i'm grateful for this blog cuz i can ramble abt elvie n my love for him without feeling like i'm annoying anyone but #i still feel so aloneeeee #nobody is gonna read this but if u do that's my bad #ty for listening to my vent #sometimes i have to wonder if being here is a curse or a blessing bc writing is what made me feel more comfy abt my regression but #now im sad bc i can't even be little majority of the time #ok i will stop talking now #lily.txt

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stuffinthepipes · 1 year

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Here's the thing. I appreciate all the social awareness that's going on, but y'all need to stop turning it into extreme individualism (not sure if it's the correct word, not my first language).

Let alone the fact that that you shouldn't burden your friends or people close to you or shitty stuff like that, because guess what? Friendships are exactly that, people who in honour of the love they hold to each other chose to share the burden with and for you. I want your burden and I want to be your burden. And if you drop your friends as soon as they say or do something not perfect you're a shitty friend.

But also all the stuff like "don't offer food because that person could be allergic or go against their religion and shit". If I knew I wouldn't, but given that I don't know them that well as to know those things I am going to offer. It's up to them to decline, I'm not holding a knife at their throat, I'm in a position of abundance and I'm offering to share it. It's up to you to set and respect your boundaries, if you can't do that I can't do it for you, I can just respect those you give me.

And people are gonna fuck up, we are humans, that's what we do, and you should allow people to fuck up in order to become a better person. And throw your fucking puritanism out of the window because if somebody said something controversial 10 years ago it's their fucking business.

#also stop giving the shits to religious people who wish you well through their beliefs #they come from a good place and wish you well #you can appreciate their will and still tell them to not pray for you or whatever #without going on a war against everything #I'm the first to shit on Christianity because history is fucked up and i think i would autocombust as soon as i step in a church #but i can still use my fuckung brain to understand when something is not being weaponized against me #and stop it with the parasocial relationship they're a fucked up thing that benefits nobody #ok I'm done with the rant #now go and love your neighbor #nobody is perfect #and oftentimes it just comes from a place of missing information #and if you can go to therapy #life update #rant

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yeslordmyking · 2 years

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I'm so lonely and bored, but the company I want and the hobbies I want to engage in aren't holy, and I don't want to have to repent for doing what I like. I hope the changes my heart need to make come soon and with as little pain as possible.

Put on the new self. Even if you have no idea how not to be the old self anymore..

#I just wanted to be myself. now she has to go away forever and somebody else has to become my new self #someone I don't know. someone I don't feel like I'll enjoy being. someone who's not really real just someone i know I'm supposed to be #someone better. holier. more righteous. more pure. a good example... until that person becomes who I am naturally #a saint. I must become a saint. God will make me do it if I don't willingly die to who I am now. who I've always been #we're not supposed to miss and mourn our less holy selves. but I will #and I'm scared of the spiritually mature woman I have no choice but to become if I am to claim that I love God and want to go to Heaven #maybe this mentality will all be in the past #when i'm old and boring and want Heaven more than I want any future on this evil earth #but right now it feels like death even though I thought I already died when I got baptized. maybe I was still young and foolish then #this is the mature spiritual mindset I should've had when I got baptized but instead I was too caught up thinking I could get what I want #die to your flesh every day brothers and sisters. I guess the phrase 'even if it kills you' makes sense now #I just hope the people I pray for will be saved before the end even if I stop keeping up with them and knowing what to pray over them #at least let me have that Lord. if my life must become a wasteland of what I usually used to love please at least save what I love #so we can reunite in Heaven in purer holier forms that are acceptable to you #yeah... Ok rambling instead of sleeping.#nobody on here cares I scared away all oomf s long time ago... back to lonely full circle. goodnight to myself 🫂♡#night depression #late night thoughts #oversharing #tmi #christian struggles #personal #random #may it please the Lord

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gender-euphowrya · 2 years

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literally no terf who sends online hate to trans people ever has the guts to go off anon lmao y’all have the spine of a slug

#so thankful for the fact that i'm in my Nobody Can Ever Tell Me Shit No Words Can Affect Me stage #keep wasting your time it's only hurting you not me #licherally what do you envision is going to happen after i read your Oh So thought-through anon blurb #that i'm gonna cry ? that i'm gonna detransition ? that i'm Not going to go through with the hrt & surgeries ?#that i'm gonna idk revert the name change i just now got ? burn my binders ?#all because little miss Literally Don't Know Who Because Stranger On Anon told me 'buh boo trans bad !!!!'#do you actually think you're hurting anyone but yourself and your precious limited time on earth #this is actually sad for you #i'm alive and thriving. cope and seethe #i only post the scribbles you send me so people can see the shit we have to deal with And the fact that we're not gonna take it laying down #also to showcase the pathetic level of the shit you even come up with like i could have a better argument with a 4-year-old #an ant could come up with more meaningful nervewracking insults all y'all have is the same boring ''u not gender u other gender!!!!!''#''ur larping! ur homphob! ur mental ill! ur delusion!'' c'mon sis get new material #how have your millennia of attempts to make us stop existing worked out ? oh yeah. not so well. we still here lol #bye bye see you in future history books but not for any good reason luv

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raazberry · 3 months

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sometimes i really do wish i could go back to how i was online in the 2010s when the concept of being cringe or being an edgelord didn't exist in my brain

#like yes i was oversharing i was saying things that could easily be used by someone to come and kill me #etc etc #but at least i could talk to people and feel connected to them without being terrified #nowadays im just like #spending an hour fucking writhing on my bed because something's bothering me #and then my brain would be like duuude you're so fucking cringe stop being edgy for no reason #bc those thoughts are always about either hurting myself or feeling Different from other people #and like it's stupid and i'm not trying to take a stance on The Morality Of Memes or whatever here. i couldn't care less #but years of Haha mentally ill people think they're soooo edgy memes have ruined my self perception #because now i will reprimand myself for hating myself and trying to be Different when i could just be happy and content #and then act like a victim because oh no nobody wants to listen to me #anyway sorry about the vent i am not doing very well as u can tell lol #i just wish i wasn't so scared of talking to other people who literally want to do nothing more than help #zzz #vent #delete later

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angeltism · 6 months

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I should deactivate actually

#➳ valentin vents #im always like this when i have an fp . damn .#who knows #maybe i shouldddd #maybe i willll #or maybe I'll just log off for the rest of the night . maybe delete the app off of my phone . i did that when silas was making me cry like #this (note that that sounds kinda blamey ! nawt hys fault or anything I'm just mentally ill hope this helps)#i feel like I'm gonna . hurl . is that the nicest way to put that .#stop reading now I'm gonna say concerning things okay #i want to claw out my stomach and heart right now . hahaha .#they hurt so bad #over somebun #over one being !#i should just die at this point like why does my brain give this much power to a single being who 99% of the time doesn't give a shit about #me or who only cares about me because I'm some little thing they can use to get attention from or use to fulfill their dirty dirty desires #with !!! am i even a fucking person to those i care about this way !!!!! probably not !!!!!!! im just some fucking toy for people to throw #away when I've fulfilled my use !!!!!!! god I'm miserable . and like this nobody is ever going to love me . I'm too damaged . haha

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feyascorner · 3 months

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Okay perhaps this sounds odd but imagine Astarion starts to disassociate while intimate with Tav and so he uses their established safe word, only to be bewildered when Tav actually listens to him and stops and asks if he’s okay and tries to comfort him because nobody has cared that much before 😢

OH GODS WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME (i love it) warning for suggestive content :)

For as long as Astarion's been genuinely intimate with you, for no other reasons but simply because of the affection the two of you hold for one another, he has always been in control.

It soothes him, in a way, to be on top. And as much as he enjoys watching you come undone beneath him, there's a more frustrating reason behind why he always feels the need to be the one to push you down onto whatever surface he deems decent enough at the time. From above you, he can see every little twitch in your body, every shift in your expression, and most of all, he can control what's happening, unlike his centuries spent as a seductive tool for Cazador's own needs.

He knows you're not like those fools. He knows you're different, and you're special to him. But the gnawing voice in the back of his head always forces him to pull you in, to hold you closer, to make love to you.

It's fucked up in so many ways.

"I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel."

But when you look up at him with those imploring, loving eyes, the voice seems to go quiet. He swallows the dryness of his throat, unable to think of anything but how wonderful your touch feels on his skin, and he thinks he could drown in this forever. He's putty in your hands, whether he wants to admit it or not.

"Well? Don't be a tease just standing there, darling."

In what feels like minutes, he's a mess. He's making sounds he shouldn't be making, fingertips digging into your hips as if they're the anchors keeping him from finishing too early. He breathes heavily into the crook of your neck, groaning when you caress the sharp tip of his ear between your fingers.

The only thing keeping him from spilling is the impending embarrassment he'd feel for doing so this early on in the night.

Then, everything stops.

"You're so beautiful," you whisper.

They're only words. They're not ones he's heard little of---in fact, he's heard it too much in the past two hundred years. In an instant, memories of the nights he spent under strangers, forced to shove his mind into its darkest corners just to get through their own pleasures, flood his consciousness. The sickening taste in his mouth afterward, and the need to rub his skin till it goes raw were not uncommon. It was routine. A sick part of his life that he'd rather forget.

You don't mean it the same way they did. They only said things like that because that's all they could say. They didn't know him as anything but the husk of a body he resided in. He knows you are saying the words to him. Not to his body but to the very person he is.

But the word comes spilling out his mouth, and immediately, you freeze.

You actually stopped.

Of course, you would. You're you.

"Are you okay? Did I do something?" you reach to cup either of his cheeks, and he stares at you as if you're a star that's fallen from the sky. He blinks, slowly.

"I don't know, I just---" he searches for words. "--you haven't done anything wrong, darling."

You wait for him to finish patiently. Gods, he doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve you.

"I only remembered something I'd rather not," he plasters a crooked grin on his face. "It's quite alright. We can continue now if I haven't ruined the mood."

You pull away from him, and he fears you'll leave.

Moments later, you return with a glass of water. Wordlessly, you hand it to him, and he only stares at it, confused beyond belief. Only once he notices the way you gesture to the glass does he drink it, and you finally climb back into bed, lying down beside him.

"Come here," you open your arm, motioning him to come closer.

"Darling, as much as I'm all for experimenting, that's a strange position to have sex in."

You smile, shaking your head. You don't explain any further, only continuing to hold out your arm.

Hesitant though curious, he slowly lies down beside you, his head just above your chest and slotted between the space below your chin. With gentle hands, you pull him closer and toss the blanket over both of your bodies.

It's warm. Strange, but warm.

"You don't have to wear a mask with me," you whisper.

His eyes grow wide, and his chest stills. He doesn't have many tears left after 239 years, but there's an unfamiliar squeeze in his chest that tells him if he were still 39 and alive, he might have. Astarion wraps his arms around your waist, burying his face into where he can hear the steady beating of your heart.

Later, when your eyes begin to droop, he mumbles.

"Tell me I'm beautiful again."

"You're beautiful," you say softly. "With or without your pretty face."

You might be imagining it, but you feel him smile against your skin.

#astarion ancunin #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate astarion #bg3 astarion #astarion x tav #astarion x reader #astarion #bg3 x reader #bg3 #fluff

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qqueenofhades · 2 months

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https://www.tumblr.com/qqueenofhades/743255237060689920/the-thing-that-confuses-me-about-the-dont-vote

The “don’t vote” left’s point is basically that, if Biden gets a second term, it’ll basically signal that “They’ll vote for us as long as we’re not Republicans, why don’t we do some REAL fucked up shit, if we can get away with it?” It takes the power out of the people’s hands and places it firmly in the party’s.

I can’t completely disagree with that, my caveat is that there’s no real alternative system or party in place, because top-down change is ineffective; a third party president has to contend with a two party congress.

Except no. This whole "Biden just wants to do as much fucked up shit as possible while not being a Republican, and if you give him a second term he'll do more fucked up shit deliberately to spite you" mindset is only possible as an interpretation if you a) deliberately and comprehensively ignore everything he has done to date, and b) you approach the situation with the maximum bad faith possible. Not to mention, the ultimate outcome of this Big Important Teaching Biden A Lesson is that Trump gets back into power and makes everything orders of magnitude worse, because he does in fact want to deliberately do evil shit to everyone and says so at every opportunity. There is not some magical happy alternative that springs into existence by not voting. If you choose this as a year to Teach Biden A Lesson, you are enabling Trump. Trump will be much, much worse. If you don't care about that, I still do not care what your Great Ideology is. You are not helping anyone and you are directly and irreversibly hurting everyone.

I made a post a few days ago wherein I mentioned that I want to assess Biden fairly, taking into account both strengths and weaknesses, but the rampant bad-faith, lying, misreading, misrepresentation, and open sabotage of him (especially by the online left; the GOP sometimes only wishes they were as good at turning Biden's voter pool against him) makes it really difficult to do that. My frustration with those people makes me just want to go "BIDEN IS GREAT THE END." I know he is a flawed old man (though by literally every account of a career spent in public service, he really does care about making the world a better place and any remotely good faith reading of his accomplishments thus far can see that). It is also very likely that he goes MORE left in a second term because he won't have to face the electorate again, he has always gone more left when pushed before, and he's not actually the scheming genocidal mastermind that leftist social media paints him as. Shocking, I know.

I know there are things in the world we don't like and don't want and want to stop, and therefore we blame our own president for not making it stop. But I have zero, no, none, absolutely none whatsoever sympathy for this pseudo-populist "WE NEED TO TEACH BIDEN A LESSON BY ELECTING TRUMP AGAIN, I AM VERY MORAL MUCH ACTIVIST" mindset. There's this funny thing about America wherein it is still (for now) a democracy. If Biden wins a second term, he can't run again. I would take literally anything these people said more seriously if they focused on developing their dream progressive successor for 2028 (and also figured out how to get that person elected and in a place to make real change) rather than cynically sabotaging Biden in the most consequential election year, again, of our lifetimes. If you don't like him now, find a way to make his successor a better option. Throwing a toddler tantrum and handing the country back to a senile, deranged, fascist, revenge-riddled, theocratic Trump HELPS. NOBODY. I still don't know how many times I'm going to have to say that, but yeah.

#anonymous #ask #politics for ts

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inkskinned · 10 months

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so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

#writeblr #the book....#coming soon #hey so if ur someone who has ever said “you need to write a book”#i wrote the book #it's ... probably the best thing ive ever written #this is maybe too honest lol #okay to reblog thank you for asking i love u i am in love with u our wedding will be in may

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