#Im having some anxiety bc i got asked about something which wasnt... About me so idk if i said too much/shared too much

[mrfoox]

The problem with me is that im too honest and will answer 95% of any questions I get asked

#miranda talking shit #Im having some anxiety bc i got asked about something which wasnt... About me so idk if i said too much/shared too much #I mean i didnt give all the messy details but i said more than one sentence and now im like ah.... Maybe that wasn't my info to share... #Im just an open book if anyone bothers to ask me anything. Super rarely anyone asks me anything im not comfortable to share #And then i forget to change my policy when it comes to other people's info... I mean ive never shared anything super personal i think? #I never give all the information ive gotten. But yeah... Im having regrets #Think it'll be okay but i feel a bit bad about it i guess

[rt-lots]

Joining in on the Ian and Rammy ask train… 🌂✏️ (and 🍎 specifically for Ian!)

TW for a fair bit of suicide talk!!!

umbrella - i assume this doesnt need an answer for both of them, bcuz they belong 2 the same story. i imagine ian and rammys story being a vidya game, and i guess itd b a psychological horror? which feels like, pretentious to say but the main scaries of the story are how much ians life sucks and he wants 2 die. so... i think itd count. thats all overarching stuff tho... most of ian n rammys time spent together is lightheared, i think. theyre two dudes hanging out and one of them is slowly coming to terms with the fact his suicidal thoughts won. whatever genre that is

pencil - WAHHH it depends a lot of the time... ian and rammy have definitely made a big resurgence in my brain recently (past month) bc im 18 and can post bout em, but also just cuz i love them sooo much and want to chew on them constantly. id say i write abt/draw them pretty frequently tho!! i doodle them on my school work and in notebooks a lot and they have some of the bigger galleries on my toyhouse lawl. i dont write much directly for their universe, but ive typed... many paragraphs to my friends just braindumping the shit i think about them. so, yeah, less often than id like, but theyre up there in my priorities of ocs :3

apple (for ian) - GRAHHHHHHHHHHH u dont know what demons uve unleashed w this. i already twed this post for suicide but im gonna move this part under the cut bc mentioning ians dad specifically ties a lot into the suicide aspect of the story

OKAY SO. ians family consists of his mom, sister, and him. his dad was in the picture when he was a little kid, like early elementary age, but ditched after some time. his relationship with both parents was relatively normal, they definitely couldve done a better job raising him, but they were never intentionally hurtful nor did they scar him at all. (well, correction, his MOM didnt scar him at all)

after ians dad left, though, his side of the family still kept in touch... they gave very flimsy reasonings for his fathers absence, why he couldnt make it to holidays, why he wasnt saying all these things directly, etc. it kept things strained and tense as the family knew things were being kept from them but never got to know why. the last interaction ian ever had w his dads side of the family was on his 18th birthday, where his uncle gifted him a silver handgun with his name carved into the handle. it was a hollow attempt to connect with ian, a display of violent masculinity that ian would later use to try and take his own life.

i dont have it fully figured out what this *means* for ians character, but its something i go insane about. ians only memories of his dad are him doing stereotypical masculine dad things w him, like fishing. maybe he didnt interact w ian ass if he was his child, but if he was his son, and that improper socialization is part of the reason he hates himself- why the gun is what kills him. but... i dunno really. ians social anxiety, addiction, and general collapsing in on himself are cuz of a life time of mental illness that went unchecked until he successfully isolated himself to the point no one *could* care, not just cuz daddy give him gun.

okay! that is NOT what u asked at all but now u know it. hehehe. of course ian and rammys story is a big wip forever so excuse me for any side tangents and/or general plot points w loose ends

but! as for his actual relationships w family (ill include sister since his relationship w mom isnt rlly fleshed out yet):

he and his mom havent spoken in 6 years, nor have he and his sister. he slowly faded out of their lives when he moved away, partly out of a subconscious desire to isolate and partly due to just not having the social confidence or energy to maintain regular communication w his family. his mom is the first person he talks to when he escapes his Puter, and she's his rock in his remaining months of recovery. shes very underdeveloped as a character atm, but what is certain is she tries her hardest to understand her sons struggles and support him, offering to pay for therapy for him. ian loves his mommy lalala

ian and his sister are... dddifferent. ian also had an average relationship w his sister, but shes a lot more upfront with him when it comes to talking about how his 6 year absence effected her than their mom. their mom, while wanting her children to seek help for their respective struggles, doesnt really want to actively talk about those things with them. shes terrified of saying the wrong thing, and it doesnt help that she doesnt even have a clue what *to* say. ians sister, though, isnt afraid to tell him "hey man we fucking missed you. your absence hurt a lot because i didnt have any friends either, and i wish we couldve had eachother. jackass" post main-story they are friendly and hang out. during his time w rammy, ian does talk about his thoughts on his sister before he left, that being that shes a "crazy bitch"... family <3

#walkie talkie #ian #ask game #would u believe me if i told you i missed multiple details i wanted to share here #i typed this for like 45 minutes AHHHH #i keep fucking answering these like totally unrelated to the original question sorry guys #can u tell i love my ocs #tw suicide mention #tw suicide #suicide mention #ask 2 tag also !!

[midnightmisadventures]

Weird dream #2

Well i guess that first one wasnt weird. Pretty standard if you ask me. But it was the first time i ACTUALLY dreamed about interacting with Liam in a whileeee. Like a dream where we were talking and joking and i felt in love, and so attractd to him. Its been....what feels like months since any dreams like that. 

Anyone this one was actually weird. As i teased to, Alpha and Mk came to a party I was at. Initially this party was like in a college setting. Me returning to SC like normal and meeting all the youngins. There were these squad boys who were like obsessed with me. Wouldnt stop talking to me and stuff and they thought i was so cool. But literally it was euphoric in that ALL my friends were there. Like everyone who i truly love and trust in my life. Like from ancient spa, from new spa. It was so great I was ELATED. 

Having the best time. But was also in comfy clothes, felt a little ugly. Not completely but for sure not a bad bitch. And here comes fucking alpha walking in WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. I was immediately so put off and uncomfortable, and insecure and taken back to this high school place of anxiety. Despite being surrounded with so many people that genuinely love me. Like isnt that so insane that he could make me feel so small again so quickly? 

Then things morphed into what felt like a family party. It was a party for Lia actually. And im like LOST on who invited them but im just pissed bc like what a buzzkill now i have to not get too drunk and dodge them all night. Like they had no friends here? so i dont know why i was worried about looking uncool, but for some reason when i looked at my room of friends i was afraid this would be the ONE moment they would neglect me or something. 

So i got nervous and went upstairs to take a breather in lias room. Mind you this is a family party, and i went there to escape, like bedrooms are off limits to random guests. The room also felt like a small attic. It was rlly tiny in there. So i go, Ia comes in and i start explaining to her like wtf?? my ex is downstairs and the girl who was in between us when we stopped talking. And she was like what? which one downstairs? And then she was like “is he the tall, (hot) one?” ANd i didnt even need to clarify. I was like yes the tall, blonde, hot ken looking guy thats him :/ 

THEN!! As we’re talking about him HE AND MK WALK IN THE ROOM.  And i didnt know if i should be like.....? gtfo but why did they feel comfortable doing that, who invited them, what the FUCK IS GOING ON. hOW DID you find me. 

And it turns out they were genuinely coming in to hangout....like make small talk. And im like this is the fucking twilight zone, does he think we’re friends? Like its a cramped room and he sat down on the floor right in front of me and tried talking to ia like they were buds man???? ;) 

And ia is outright ignoring him cause shes riding for me, but then i felt awkward and felt pressure to be fake. And it was so weird. 

Mk tried causally talking about good places to get ur nails done in town and trying to make conversation. And i felt so UNCOMFY. Like it felt like someone just came into my bedroom unannounced, when i thought the door was locked, and i wasnt decent, and i didnt even know they were coming over. 

So. fucking. odd. 

Why did i have a dream where alpha was trying to look hot and be friends :((

[voidbeomgyu]

7:06AM: ive been so inactive bc classes just started again, but ive come back to release my anxiety ab this man at the bus stop. im literally in the bus rn but at the stop i was waiting and then some man ive never talked to before pulls up and starts talking to me. ((for context my class starts at 7:15am and i take the 6am bus bc the next bus is at 7am and id be late by a few right but sometimes idc ab being late cos im tired so i take the 7am bus, like today))

so ive seen this fool like mayb two times before ,i cant remember but he never talked to me until today when he walked to the stop and asked me "arent you cold?" cos all i have on rn are my sweatpants and a tshirt over a white longsleeve cos my first class is a body conditioning class im gonna warm tf up right. but i was like "uh aha a little" and he laughed or whatever and then just kept talking like bro im literally trying to text my "more than friends" friend rn leave me alone. he asked if im going to school rn and BRUH MEN MAKE ME BLANK OUT LIKE MY MOUTH GOES ON AUTO PILOT SO MY DUMBASS SAID YES.

ive had some not good at all experiences with men and boys around my age before so idk, ig over time my axiety just got worse? anyway he was like "college? [state] state?" and i omg i was like "no just college ahah" and the nearest one is like the ONLY ONE SO HE CONNECTED THE DOTS TO WHICH SCHOOL I GO TO OBV. i even told him my name bc im DUMB. but like im wearing my bracelets rn right (i make and wear kandi ((pony bead bracelets))) and the one on my wrist has my name on it and so does the phone charm thing i made. so i like noticed him eyeing it and was like FUCK I CANT EVEN LIE ARRGRGRHHR COS LIKE I COULD SAY IT WAS A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER NAME RIGHT BUT WHY WOULD I HAVE MY PHONE CHARM SAY SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME RIGHT GRRRARRGGRGSGR

after he would finish a thought id turn to look forward to the road again and look down at my phone to text my friend right so it would be silent for like 2 second and then BOOM HE STARTS TALKING AB HOW HE GOT HIS LISENCE SUSPENDED FOR THREE YEARS BC HE KEPT BREAKING THE LAW AND GETTING TICKETS IM LOSING MY MIND WHY WOULD I NEED TO KNOW THIS??!??? he was like yea thats why im taking the bus now and have to wake up so early and im sitting there like 😀👍

i had my mask on bc paranoia yardy kno (tmi i have the covid vaccine and two boosters and i still got sick but i didnt die so cool it did what it was supposed to ((tmi tmi my body is so weak when i was in 5th grade i almost died from an infection spreading up my arm to my heart from a PLAYGROUND WOODCHIP SPLINTER IN MY FINGER...))) so like i wear masks bc i dont wanna get sick by ANYTHING EVEN JUST A COLD OR SOMETHING IDC IDC im happy for that tho cos 1. man does not know what my face looks like and 2. face warm

OKAY ANYWAYS when he found out my name he paused for a second and asked who my dad was and i was like ...what so he said something like his ex's brother had a daughter named [MY NAME BRUH] and i was like 😀👍 aaahawggagwggs so he thought i was her or something. i was like oh okay haha and then turned back around like ive been doing to try and end the conversation right, but like we are waiting at the bus stop yk so theres gonna be cars that pass by and its gonna get loud especially rn everyone is going to work. but since it was loud ig i didnt hear him?? cos suddenly his voice is like way louder than before right so i turn and hes like A FOOT AWAY FROM MY FACE IM AARGRHEGR WHY. he said his name i forgot what it was i wasnt paying attention cos i was like 😦 but it think it was michael, so michael if u ever see this ur weird.

anyway then he said something like "you know what's cool?" and bruh i literally saw my life flash before my eyes. why? idk but that sounds so ????? like scary ???? but i was like "uh sure" and then he went on this tangent about being in the navy and that he got to travel the world like three? idk how many times but he was telling me wheres hes been like naming the countries right

i was just sitting there being my polite little self bc i was raised to no matter what respect when someone is speaking to you in a conversation even if u dont wanna be there. like for when someone older than you is speaking to you i mean and this guy was OOOOOLDER THAN ME faded brown hair covered in grey, brown grey fluffy stash, he looked like maybe early-mid fifties but could pass for being like 70 im being so fr. anyway yea im being polite even tho im like so uncomfortable bc thats just what i do idk😭 it was def obv how uncomfortable i was tho i was fidgeting SO much like shaking both my legs, picking at the skin around my fingers, and trying to end the conversation multiple times. but he just kept going😭

but after that whole idk how long tangent ab navy stuff he suddenly asked (after i turned around to stop talking to him ofc) how old i was like "how old are you if you dont mind me asking?" and so i was like scared but also kinda relieved cos i get comments a lot about how much younger AND how much older i look bc ig i just present myself more mature??? even tho my style and stuff isnt like super mature or anything ppl ive talked to like teachers/parents/classmates who are older than me, like mid twenties to late thirties tell me that they thought i was so much older when im actually like a baby. its only ppl my age that say i look younger right, so i was like oh maybe he thinks im like way older or something?? like im wearing a backpack and a little tote with stuff so it looks like im going to school, but he asked if im attending college or a four year uni meaning he thought i was a little older (or at least he just didnt mention a thought of me being in high school? mayb cos im taking the public bus and not a school bus idk). i said the truth bc I HAD HOPE IDK BRUH LIKE IKKKK I RLLY SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD ANY HOPES BC A MAN IS A MAN AND IF U GET WEIRD VIBES THEN THEY ARE PROB VERY MUCH CORRECT BUT IDK😭😭😭

anyway i told him like yea im 18 and when i tell you his face lit up like LIT UP. i was gonna be sick like why are you smiling so hard at me being so young like he was giddy ab it too like STOPPPP. he was like "woww getting your education earlyyy thats awesome" and tbh idk how to take comments like that bc idk hs at least in my state is like "go to college or university immediately after highschool" and during senior year we have stands up to help us apply for schools and stuff so i dont rly see me being 18 at college early or anything so i just sat there like "😀👍 thanks" IM USING THAT EMOJI COMBO A LOT BUT DAWG ISTG THAT WAS LITERALLY ME THE WHOLE DAMN TIME IM SO FR

i was thinking to myself like WHY IS THIS BUS TAKING SO DAMN LONG PLEASEEEE😭😭😭😭😭 but it arrived eventually and he got on first and sat allllll the way at the back. i always sit near the front bc its just easier ig idk but i was like so relieved bruh while i was sitting there listening to him i was thinking like oh my god P L E A S E do not sit next to me to keep our conversation going i want to sit in silence and be CALM. IM LITERALLY A BROKE COLLEGE DANCE MAJOR STUDENT IM SO PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY TIRED AND I CANT EVEN DRIVE SO IM TAKING THE PUBLIC BUS AT 6AM EVERY MORNING SO I WAKE UP AT 4:30AM TO GO TO MY 7:15AM BODY CONDITIONING CLASS.

maybe i am overreacting and it was one of those things thats like a fatherly kind of thing. like how sometimes you might meet a nice man who works at a shop and you see him as like a father figure of sorts yk. but like i really REALLY was not getting that vibe. like at some points i was 'like yea cool okay mayb im wrong and ur just a wise man talking life to a kid you met at the bus stop', but then he'd just keep talking. and yk how theres like a line of where something is like too much to say right. like its a common sense thing to know when you're a GROWN person and you first meet someone who is damn younger than you and could pass as a minor, you dont ask like where they live what highschool they went to, (i forgot to mention but yea he asked me that) or dump a bunch of your life on them. like he told me what highschool he went to, what elementary school he went to, what state it was in, and how he was born and raised there, where he used to work, how he had a motercycle and went 160mph coming off the freeway like an idiot, what car i should get when i decide to start drive instead of taking the bus, how cute it is that my name is so similar to a brand (like a one letter difference so he noticed it right away and was like "ohh thats so cool, you're so unique thats cute"), and that whole ex's brother thing was weird too like idk i feel like you wouldnt ask "who's your dad?" but rather ask like "does [name] happen to be your father?" or something yk. NOT TO MENTION THE LISENCE SUSPENDED FOR THREE YEARS NOW ONE YEAR LEFT THING TOO LIKE 😭 OKAY WHY WOULD YOU TELL ANYONE YOU JUST MET AB THAT😭😭😭

anyway yea i just didnt get the friendly older man you see in those heart touching movies kinda vibe. more like grown man finds a young girl sitting alone at the bus stop and dumps his life story on her to hopefully rush into some sort of relationship with her kinda vibe. (like those situations ((a lot of the time in fiction lol)) where you meet someone for the first time at a bar or something and you talk the whole damn night and either go home knowing everything ab eachother and planning on meeting again or having fucked in the backseat of one of your cars kinda rush i mean) IDK MAN it was like a scary unsettling kinda vibe yk. it was obv he had so much more he wanted to say bc he was like ig stopping himself?? idk how to elaborate on that but when the bus finally arrived he sighed like "aw the bus is here" so i feel like he wanted to talk with me more.

TL;DR im never taking the 7AM bus instead of the 6AM bus again because of a man i met on a cold wednesday morning 😀👍 happy day everyone

#voidbeomgyu #void's life updates

[femfalleen]

just yesterday....for the first time, i was publicly trans. it wasnt in a safe, comfortable room; it wasn't in my bed, through my messenger to people i trust, or here where mostly i am just a bunch of words floating out in the digital nothing for no one and anyone to see, ignorant of the person typing them.

i went to a board game night hosted by other trans people who live local and i was there. i was completely masc looking and sounding but i went out and i had to taste what it was like to not be in a space that was mine or known to me...to be around people who showed support but to know there was a chance for something unlike that.

that had to be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my life thus far (worse than rolling my car and nearly dying, ngl. at least i had an idea of what to expect when my car started sliding on that icy interstate).

i showed up and walked into a room filled with people who were chatting and getting ready to start the game night and my heart started nearly pounding through my chest. "what if i just look like 'some guy' to them? what if i just seem like someone who's 'just wanting the status'? or if they dont treat me as someone who wants to transition just because im essentially at phase -1 of my transition?"

i was so scared by that i set the board game i brought along down and rushed to the restroom (to collect my nerves as well as needing a moment of relief).

until i accepted myself as trans, looking and feeling like "a man" never once made me think about how i might be perceived. sure, every now and then id be concerned that maybe my clothes might need to be washed, but i wasnt ever conscious of how masculine i appeared and how much people accepted and "felt" that coming from me. and in one fell swoop, suddenly i was in over my head with how much i didnt want that feeling exuding from me, how much i didnt want to be perceived as a man in this space, and how much i desperately wanted to not be seen as i looked but as i myself felt. the people who know me irl know that when i get nervous, i can easily be moved to having to evacuate my stomach bc of it and as i returned from the restroom, i was almost certain id end up back there shortly due to the immense pressure of that space, for me. and while i normally have her support, my partner was busy with an event she couldnt possibly be absent/absent minded for .... i was facing this entirely on my own, with none of my supports available for me.

i returned and took a name tag at someone's suggestion: a good point since most everyone there was unfamiliar with one another. i scribbled my current name on it. i couldnt bear being "Efie" yet. i ... i didnt have a reason why. i just couldnt see myself proudly displaying that name for those people when i was advised a nametag could be useful. after this emotional pitfall, i at least found some comfort in trying to help get games going for all the currently attending members and managed to find myself at a table playing something new with people i had literally just met for the first time....and it was nice. social anxiety was down but internal anxiety was reaching new levels...considering i often FAIL MISERABLY at making new friends, being able to sit and talk with them without so much as batting an eye even though i felt like my chest was going to explode was a small success on such a big night for me. as we all got familiar with the game, my miniscule chatterings about which rules i was or wasnt breaking gradually became a banter that i almost pride myself in being witty enough to hold and it was quite nice feeling more and more comfortable, at least at this relatively shallow level, with them.

near the very end of the game i excused myself for a small moment and i took a leap i wouldnt have imagined at the onset of this evening: i awkwardly walked back to the markers, asked who was sitting there to pass me one please, scribbled out my current name and wrote "Efie" in much poorer writing next to it. i was so ashamed i couldnt do that originally...but i also knew id never been verbally addressed by anything else yet and kind of assumed i just wouldnt respond if i was called that...but how else would i gain that experience?

to suddenly make myself that much more vulnerable only to receive nothing but the same, awkward friendship i had had moments before i put that nearly symbolic nametag back on was nothing short of pure catharsis... not only being open enough to just be trans at a public library, but also being able to say, with a bright lavender badge on my chest, that "hey i was absolutely infinitely more anxious than ive ever been and i wasnt even confident enough to write my own name here" and finding only the same open arm-ed acceptance nearly made me tear up between that game and the next.

between the first game and the next i played, i followed the suit of those who had played with me, including who i assume was someone who helped organize the event as she had a method of monitoring all the small groups to make sure everyone was enjoying theirselves, i followed her lead and wafted between ongoing groups just to see some new tabletop games id never seen: i even got to see catan being played for the first time ever, hah.

i sat near them on the floor, as there were no convenient chairs nearby, and read the rules before actually looking at the ongoing match so that id have an idea of what i was witnessing when a bit of a nail was sent right through my already aching tummy: "hey what's that on your nametag?" i was propositioned from a person focused on the match. i assume they asked me purely because i was quietly observing out of respect for a game i think/thought(?) to be complex and didnt want to interrupt any of their thoughts.

i told them i had scribbled "it out and wrote my name" on it. "oh cool! what's that say? Eef-ee? how do you say that?" they smiled at me.

the first time in words id ever heard what is my current chosen name. it stuck me like a cramping muscle suddenly shooting itself right up the thigh, announcing its presence triumphantly by bringing your whole body to awareness. it wasnt a good feeling but it wasnt inherently bad. i felt like such a child, almost, being asked by a parent what they had brought. i dont know why but that was the feeling i had. maybe because i not only made a point of it by not getting a new sticker, but also feeling like a fish out of water in every way sitting near these four girls. i felt like an outside for a second and wasnt sure how to respond or what to feel.

to say i nearly sank under the table, even at this innocent observation of my own choices, was practically an understatement.

"um..yeah, kind of like Eevee haha.." i managed to squeek out at them.

"wow that's a cool name!" they had passed their eyes briefly from my name tag to my face and then back to catan, which i dont blame them for. i did my best to not look to many people in the eyes as i know i can stare pretty hard so i figure they couldve felt the same or something but i wasnt really concerned. their tone was comforting and their demeanor as welcoming as i couldve read from someone i barely knew.

the rest of that event ended in pretty quiet circumstances for the purpose of this blog, but it was fun playing codenames again after having enjoyed it 3-5 years prior. i still am sorting through what it meant to feel that way and was confused enough to post about it to the groups discord saying basically "wow that was very hard for me i am sorry also i am awkward" and was only met with kindness and empathy, as most agreed that the first time you allow yourself to be seen by anyone you dont know or arent comfortable 100% with is an impossibly stressing situation and that youll find comfort and confidence in continued experiences like that and it will go from being unimaginable to being the peak of comfort ... and i truly hope so. i really did enjoy the night, after retro-and-intro-spection on it.

#december #December 2022 #mtf #fendiary #trans #111222 #happy to look back on this and laugh eventually #especially with how nervous i was #they were all so nice and its refreshing to meet such a welcoming and pleasant group of people

[nako-doodles]

jfghfj omg thanks for all the tips (def screenshottng this post for future me) but not some r*cist keeping u at the airport, thats like one of my biggest fears cus my friend went thru the same thing and got stuck somewhere in a foreign country for super long ;-; so they made u miss ur flight, how do u get home? are they paying for it?? the most somethings happened to me was having to sit middle seat between strangers :// i felt so uncomfy but they werent bad or anything thank goodness. if anxiety wasnt enough, i have THE worst sense of direction. the building could literally be in front of me and id miss it somehow (has happened before) 🙃 travelling really be russian roulette cus sometimes the process is smooth and the other times its hell. i remember being so happy they didnt bother making me take my jacket and shoes off while it was freezing. i do hope one day i could leave the country to my parents homeland but god the ticket prices are 1k+ 🥲 and i would love to hear about ur travel stories if u wanna share cus im curious how u dealt with it. did u keep ur composure or did u argue until something was done

💖💖💖 i gotchu! feel free to ask for clarification bc i definitely went off on many a tangents 🤣🤣🤣

my god i had to wake up my grandma at like 3am (her time) to get her to send me her credit card number so i could buy a seat on the next flight it was so annoying. he didnt even have a valid excuse to keep me there other than 'lol you're unlucky and youre the one we're gonna check every bit of your story' and i was like 'what part of i went on summer vacay to visit family and now im coming back. to my home country. to go to school. im literally a minor (i was 13 at the time) here is my flight attendant buddy next time grow some balls and stop bullying kids 🙄🙄 i think he thought my passport was fake or sthing bc american passports all have that awful reflective decoration in the bg which makes scanners a literal nightmare (pls dont remind of that one time i was stuck on the singapore border where i was literally in tears trying to get the stupid automated machine to scan my passport and then the staff had to go down the entire line of 20 some scanners to get one to allow me home 🤣🤣 i dont remember how one hero managed to get it to work but i do remember being fully prepared to renounce my citizenship to go home🤣🤣🤣)

travel is truly a russian roulette! either youre having the smoothest ride possible, or the universe hates you and is determined to make it a living hell for you 🤣😔

#some airports have that fancy scanner where youre supposed to stand like youre tied up on some k*nky hardware and it does that 360 ffmmMMMM #so you dont need to take off anything #SOME airports give too many shits about their job and literally make you go thru the stupid metal detector 934058903468034 times #im very thankful for their job. REALLY. it keeps us all safe. but really dont appreciate being pat down 20 times over my earrings. #the middle seat absolutely sucks!!!! ESP those middle seats in the middle of the plane where its like 5 seats deep? AWFUL. HELL ON AIR. #directions is kinda one off for me. once i get underground i lose all sense of directions like i get dioriented really easily #ans

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

Yo, so I flew through Wrong Number, Asshole (which is 😙👌) and I thought his quirk going off over the phone was so cute. But do you think he’d be insecure about it??? Like about holding hands or trying to keep it together if his s/o says something embarrassing? And what else do you think would he be embarrassed about with s/o?

omg tysm!!! i love writing that story so much so i’m glad u enjoy it!!! we do love a good soulmate au here hehe

aNd wow what a good ask thank u for this im obsessed with it and this is gonna be soooo long omg soz

-okay so first. yes. 100,, 10000% embarrassed about it. he feels like he should have his shit together with his quirk since it’s what Bakugou’s so proud of,,,, and like that’s mostly true???

-except i personally hc that his quirk also ties into intense emotion the same way regular sweating does,,, like, if he feels rlly strongly about something, instead of normal sweating it’s just straight nitroglycerin. and he has to like actively learn how to get a handle on it as he grows too!! so like anxiety sweating? sure he’s got it under control, been there done that. scared sweating?? only gets scared in battle and he’s already exploding things by then so its all good. but love???

-oml has no iDEA how to handle it!! i fully believe bakugou’s idiotic mad brain doesn’t fall easy, but when he does , he falls hARD. so lets say he has a major major crush for the first time ever, and he’s just sweating everywhere and his skin feels like it’s on fire - mans just pops. like a bacon griddle. not full on explosions bc he’s not actively setting them off ,, but if u do something cute, something that gets his heart racing just right he’ll pop

-i kinda imagine it’s bc Bakugou can’t understand what he’s feeling bc he’s a big dumb angry person so instead of just accepting his crush he’s like “oh. my palms are exploding by themselves. and i think about s/o constantly. huh. both things at the same time must mean i want to fight them- yeah that’s it. i just wanna fight ‘em real bad.” which only leads to more little explosions.

-pLeasE heLP hIm

-but anyways, you better not say a sinGle thing about this if u see it or hear it. bc man’s is not one to be embarrassed without putting up a fight,,, and this is about explosions , something he knows,,, so he’ll be like “yeah? wanna fuckin’ make fun of me, huh? i’ll show u what to fuckin’ make fun of!” and then just decide to set off a close range explosion in his hands or blow something near u up to high hell

-what can i say, he’s an idiot??

-congratulate katsuki on the explosion tho,, tell him it was really big and scary and thats when you’ll get him reaLLY embarrassed and keep him embarrassed

-speaking of hand holding tho,, he’ll be super nervous to try at first. like he doesn’t want u to end up feeling the little pops bc you’ll ask and then he’ll have to embarrassed and explain and he just isn’t a fan of that idea alright?? quickly comes to realize tho, as he experiences it, that if you hold his hand you’ll actually smother the little explosions??? like just- nothing will happen bc there’s not enough oxygen for anything to combust unless he makes it combust. which he won’t. obviously.

-oooO and here’s sum other “embarrassing” things he does that you’re ~not allowed~ to comment on

will stare in private. just generally zone out and stare at you- don’t say anything tho!!! bc otherwise he’ll get all huffy and “what the hell are you even makin’ that stupid shit up for! I’d never be caught dead starin’ at an idiot like you” - all said while still simultaneously staring at you.

tries to impress you. like if other people are around that he think u might like, he’ll challenge them to like weird physical feats or intelligence tests or he even somehow turns telling jokes into a competition??? and he’s so competitive it’s obvious too, but u can’t say anything about it. just let him express his love through borderline violence and victory lust ig bc there’s pretty much no stopping him

will cook food for you. don’t comment on how good it tastes tho bc for some reason he finds how much he wants to take care of u majORLY embarrassing

being physically affectionate. man’s almost never grows the balls to initiate hugs or hand-holding or cuddling bc he finds it mega embarrassing to be needy so if he does?? and then you make a joke like “oh, you’re so clingy today, huh” ?? man’s will throw u away from him and never touch u again unless u ask, so just don’t say anything. pleASE

remembering small details. Bakugou’s actually pretty smart and if he likes u then he actually listens to what you have to say,,, this means he’ll remember 3 weeks ago when u said u had a test that day, and ask u about it when he sees u- don’t say any “oh! im suprised u remembered!’ or anything tho,, he’ll get huffy

-and finally, here is a lil list, as a bonus just for u my love, of normal person behaviors that you do that ??somehow?? embarrass immature and emotionally-stunted bakugou katsuki:))

If he sees you do anything embarrassing like trip, or drop food on yourself, or swallow a drink the wrong way and end up coughing, etc.,, if it was literally anyone else Bakugou would just laugh, loudly, bc he’s an ass,, but ur not just anyone else. ur his s/o and suddenly seeing you do that stuff feels so intimate!! esp bc he would’ve never even seen if in the first place if he wasnt paying so much attention to u!!!

saying hi to him first when he’s with other people. like, example, lets say he’s with the bakusquad and they’re just all just hanging out in the common room, right,, so u walk in, see them all sitting there and wave, but u say “Hi bakugou, hi guys!” just bc u were excited to see him. man’s will go rED SO FAST AND HIDE HIS FACE

bending down to tie your shoes. no explanation needed- he’s a guy.

if you go to the store and ask him if he needs anything. it’s literally so simple but for some reason his heart just seizes?? like?? ur thinking about him the same way he thinks about u all the time???? and ur concerned enough to get him something if he needs it??? please he’s goNe, just a whole-ass pile of blushing

if you’re sitting in a group and you look at him everytime something funny is said. bc ofc he’s already going to be looking at u to see ur reaction, so when ur eyes meet and you’re laughing and smiling bakugou just gets so flustered!!!

wearing an outfit he knows nobody else has seen before. this could be new clothes, his clothes, pajamas, old clothes u wouldn’t wear in public, even halloween costumes before a party???- point is, if Bakugou knows nobody else has seen you like that, and only he gets to?? boy is sO SOFT and embarrassed about it

tysm again!! this was such a fun ask!!!! <333

#bnha bakugou #bakugou x y/n #bnha bakugo katsuki #mha bakugou #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugou #bakugou katsuki #bakugou headcanons #bakugou hcs

[tamhrayis]

r u already physically and mentally ok? bc i am still not feeling very good. the ending is the only thing i can think of, however much i try to distract myself from that. i still cant properly eat and sleep. i still cry a lot. i still have stomach ache and have trouble consuming food. i still cant concentrate on anything bc my mind constantly thinks about aot ending. i am one of those people who think ending was average (like it wasnt satisfactory enough, but also not terrible). the thing is that i really wanted to see EM happy together in the end. my brain costantly thinks about how brutally Mikasa had to kill Eren and how she sits under that tree next to his grave and misses him... this just hurts so much. like my rational part tries to tell myself that it is only a fiction, it is not real so i shouldnt make such a fuss around that, but my emotional part (which is now unfortunatelly much stronger) can't let it go... like i have now even a problem to watch anything related to aot. like when i go on youtube and it recommends me some aot videos i cant even bring myself to click on them without them triggering even more pain in me... idk i got probably so attached to EM and wanted to really see them happy together after everything they went through that this ending hurt me in the worst possible way. i want to move on with my life so it wont hurt me anymore, but i just cant because my mind always slips to EM and their ending (which triggers even more pain) and also i am not in any other "fandom" except aot so i dont even have big passion for anything else where i could "escape" from aot. i tried to watch some movies yesterday and today as a distraction, but it still didnt help bc my mind always goes back to aot ending... like i feel mentally and physically really awful and i want it to stop but i dont know what to do. it is like i have no control over it. do u have any advice what to do to stop feeling so bad? how much time do u think its gonna take until i will feel normal again? if you or any of your followers have any advice what to do or just some comfort words - they are very much appreciated. thanks for hearing me out and im sorry for the long ask i just needed to tell and ask someone and u seem like a very nice person. <3

Anon, I am very sorry for how you feel these days. I totally understand and I also want you to recover as soon as possible.

Your state really reminds me of how I felt when ch.138 came out. I didn’t cry that much, but maybe...it was because of the leaks I’ve read before the chapter or just how I lived during that time. I couldn’t normally eat, sleep and simply function, because every time I did something, it just ended up being another breathing exercise session, because I really couldn’t get myself to do something without thinking about ch.138.

But instead of checking social media and trying to find a distraction in my phone, I just tried to distance myself from it. One of the things that really helped me to cope was...cleaning😂 I don’t know how it will be for you, but cleaning really distracted me and eased my mind. Also, on the day when ch.138 was officially released, i needed to go outside with my friend and tbh, these two really helped me to deal with the anxiety. I took me a full week to recover, but nevertheless...I just tried to find some ways to think about something else. I also did my school work, talked to my friends, watched another animes and just continued to live.

As for how I am still mentally and physically okay...I am just that type of person who is used to let things go. Be it people leaving my life, materialistic stuff that I lose or how things don’t go my way, I just don’t feel as sad about it as I used to, because nothing is permanent in this world and everything has an end. I knew that AoT will end someday and I used to tell myself that no matter what kind of ending it will be, I will be okay.

It’s not like “I will accept any crappy ending”, but more like “I know that Isayama won’t scrap his work and no matter what he does, it’ll be meaningful”. I knew that getting a happy-go-lucky ending won’t be possible as I used to think, and maybe that was my fault for believing it...But I am happy with this ending, because it wasn’t closed and precise enough.

As for Mikasa, I see where you are coming from, but Mikasa didn’t brutally killed him. She finally freed him from the burden of this world. Yes, it would be so great if they lived together, had a family and just spend the rest of their lives as they wished for.

But realistically, knowing how many problems Eren’s existence will bring and their conscientious nature...They still wouldn’t find peace, because as Armin mentioned that even if titans stopped to exist, it doesn’t mean that the world will just come to peace. No, they will need to work and create that peace by themselves, but again, Eren’s life would be full of responsibilities and burden all over again.

If the writing was different and Isayama made his story a little more hopeful in some ways...I think we would get something different, but that’s only my speculations.

I genuinely want you to get better and be happy again! You’re amazing and loved. Thank you for sharing. I feel very touched🤧

#I hope I could help 🥺 #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #t-talks #ask

[pink-enby-in-distress]

My mom finished her separate session w my therapist!! And she called her out on her shit. then my mom had a talk w meee

Heres how that went:

pros:

-My mom realized how much shes fucking me up!

-She said shes gonna try to do better

-She realized how much shes like her abusive mom

-She realized how shes been upholding the trauma cycle!

-um she asked me a bunch of questions about me feeling safe

-kinda realized she was guilting me like her mom did her

Cons:

-Um, well it was kinda the same promises

-I was being disrespectful some how, tho i was always honest and i didnt yell or aim to upset her, i think she just didnt like what i was saying

-she didnt listen to me when i was telling her i wanted to wait to talk to my therapist

-idk if she didnt wanna listen but, she wasnt understanding that her being unpredictable fucked me up but idrk if thats a con

-she kept telling about herself and how she was young. but, in retrospect!! a lot of it was explaining reasons instead of excuses!

-still needed control and didnt listen to me when i told her things that were important

-doesnt accept that shes the main problem. That she needs to observe her own behaviors. Just because i tell her sm shit doesnt mean she applys it even half the time.

-"[redacted] you have to put in some effort!! For the both of usss." shes right!! kind of. im just pissed and doubtful and tired

-idk im tired

i had,, a sorta good convo w my mom. shes still trying to be in control but,, honestly i opened up so fucking much and the only thing she offered up was "Let's start fresh! Not forgetting but, no holding things against each other! (her, she means her) Leave your door unlocked! And I'll knock this time, cmon (redacted) we BOTH have to try. I'm still your mom something something disrespectful. I undeestanddd your hesitation because Ive said this/this happens over and over but just do it, [relatively] we agree to keep your door unlocked for a week (my next session) amd im not gonna bother you! (it's way more than that i literally feel unsafe around you)"

I wanted to w a i t, to talk to my therapist. Bc i need reassurance from her. Shes focused on making me trust her and earning my trust! But she wont let me wait to talk to my therapist, someone who i already actually trust and need advice and reassurance from:/

Now that i wrote it all out, there werent any changes at all, except i opened up even more, as usual tho. But i was so vulnerable, and i didnt cry, and the only difference is she asked me more questions and empty promises. I opened up s o fucking m u c h. And i got the same thing, just less arguing. which is good tho!! We didnt argue much, bc i kinda just gave up n idk, im tireddd and i felt like we made progress since i opened up to her

The only reason my voice wasnt shaking and i wasnt having an anxiety attack was bc i have my therapist who i trust and ik she'll listen to me if something went wrong. Which tells you something since ive had 2 hour long sessions w her, and my entire life w ny mom:)

But i mean, there are a lot of pros!!! A lot of realizations!! idk im just very tired and scared ig. Very scared and tired,, but im great at hiding it:)

I honestly, still dont want to heal our relationship. im seeing a lot of fucking contrasttt, and im still just, wanting to move out. But, im supposed to put effort in and fix it, even tho im the victim, so ig i shall

#idrk how to tag this #well yes i do #that was a lie #abusive parents #toxic parents #toxic mother #abusive mom #im so tired #healing #is it healing if u dont wanna heal tho??

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Uhm, my day was decent? I mean aside from the fact that mornings exist and I did not want to wake up in time for my shift at work. But. And the end of the day when I have literal hours to do stuff after.. it works out cuz. Usually I get off and its oh shit I have enough time to halfway emotionally recharge and then its time for bed.

But. I got in and E^2 had put like. My name down on the schedule, and. That was great really. And we had this sheet for sign up of, basically what areas you want to be personally responsible for. And I signed light and it was great. And I dont think anyone really noticed cuz the manager wasn't there and no one else really looked at the schedule or anything else. But. It made me happy.

Still haven't gotten my name tag changed and honestly I dont think I'm going to. Cuz. I feel like I'm just being a bother asking again. But. It is what it is I guess.

I got off at five and its now nine and ive just been vibing in the car listening and singing to Spotify since I got off just trying to keep the sad at bay. And I should probably go home but. I dont want to. Cuz I know I'm just gonna wallow in the sad and self destructive tendencies if i go home.. If I ask nicely will the fae take me in as one of their own and I can become a cryptid in the woods?????

I have a three day weekend coming up and im considering doing a touch up on my hair since its really washed out. But I cant decide if I wanna keep it fully red or try and do like an ombre double tone thingy.. but I'm not sure what other color I'd try to do to the tips? Idk

I kinda wish my hair was longer so I could do like. The galaxy hair thing? Where its various shades of purple and blue and some pink and it looks different depending on how you style it. But I also know attempting to grow my hair out longer than I already plan to is a bad idea, cuz the sides and back are already getting too long and I hate it. But I wish I could do fun stuff with it too

Oh well. The duality of man i guess..

Uhm. I bought a giant plastic egg the other day, that reminds me of a dragons egg kinda. And I'm trying to decide if I should keep a hoard of dice in there or a hoard of crystals. Cuz. Dice and the clacky math rocks. But. Also shiny crystally gems

Speaking of dice I also really kinda want to try and get into a dnd group, but social anxiety and I have zero idea where to start with that so. That's fun.

Im currently resisting the urge to go and get more holes and metal in my head too. I just. The red hair makes me feel cool and powerful and I wanna look punk and

Sorry I've been rambling for like half a novel. I'll stop now before I get annoying. I mean I definitely already am. But you asked for asks and distractions and 👉👈 I love you

Id ask about your day but you seem to want a distraction from that sooo. How about, got any fun headcanons to share??

Thats awesome on the name front!!! I saw that and I got really excited for you when you posted the picture this morning, honestly I think you should bring up the nametag again, esspecially if its showing up on the schedule too. (Oddly enough I kicked around the idea of using a new name with friends and sruff today which is weird mostly bc like i like my name irl, its fairly androgynous and it makes me happy and i love my online name bc it means me :))

My vote is two tone!! I almost did a pink/purple ombre with my hair this round so I say do ittttt (that's also what I say about the extra holes and metal. Do itttttrrr)

That would be a hard choice but u do really like the idea of a giant dragons egg full of dice ngl. I need to find some people to play with too. I'm trying to get b and c in on something but idk if its ever really gonna pan out the way I want it too. My town actually has a pretty active dnd community but I am way too new and way too socially anxious to ever join something like that so I feel you there.

100% not annoying, each paragraph made me smile more. :)

My day was actually mostly ok, i just sorta ruined it with Danny at home. I just pointed out that the idealized dream band life that I wanted and thought I had was what she got and that it made me kinda jealous and she pointed out (correctly) that I'm jealous of so many aspects of her life that she now has a list of things she can't talk to me about for fear of setting me into a spiral and just. Yeah. That wasnt fun.

But work was ok. The kids all were really tierd so there was a fair bit of crying going on, but the weather was really nice so we got to go outside with them for a long time and that was very nice. I also got some really sweet cuddles from a few of them that made me very happy.

Oh! I also have a funny story about them!! So I was squatting (my main position is almost like Spiderman bc I'm down on the kids' level but i can also get up and move if I need to pretty quick) and one of the girls goes and gets a book, then stands right in front of me and points at the floor and says "sit" in the most authoritative voice I have ever hear from a 1 1/2 year old 😂 as soon as I sat down she was in my lap and opening the book so I could read to her.

As far as headcanons.... Sadly my brain is bouncimg mostly art ideas for the Tamgled au and not anything of substance so I may take a crack at that later. Otherwise I keep thinking about whumped up Will crying on the floor and Maurie finding him. Really I'm just thinking about Maurie and Will being bros. A lot. So much. God I love them.

#also i love you

[donnieluvsthings]

gonna rant about sanders sides plot bc i think about it all the time and need an outlet okay here we go. this got super long so most of it is under the cut.

fyi: i talk a lot about patton and virgil and how theyre doing. i dont think i paint either of them negatively and if i did its not on purpose bc i love them both but just be aware!! also this is just my interpretations/predictions and i wanted to share but its not The Only Acceptable Interpretation and if u disagree then obviously thats fine lol

so i keep thinking about the conflict between virgil and patton. clearly something is weird. i think it probably started when virgil asked patton to stop treating him like “some innocent harmless angel” at the end of LNTAO.

i actually think this was a good interaction—virgil was trying not to hurt patton’s feelings but also was expressing something he was uncomfortable with and he succeeded in my opinion. and patton doesn’t argue, just immediately goes “okay, virgil!” like he says his name, no nickname, no kiddo. he starts trying instantly to check himself and respect virgil’s wishes.

then in embarrassing phases their interactions seem a little more...tense? i’ll list the ones that stick out bc lists are Fun:

patton fakes being scared. virgil: “don’t patronize me” patton: “you mean pantronize” virgil: “whatever!!”

patton corrects himself from saying “bat winged cherub” to “bad....boy” while virgil shoots him a look like we just talked about this

virgil’s talking about how his style is a relic from thomas’ emo phase. patton: “we’re basically style twins!! look out just a couple of cool guys comin thru!” virgil: “okay, patton” patton: “um! sorry...”

virgil seems aggravated, probably bc patton is still treating him like a poor lil anxious baby when the whole point of this episode was virgil showing that they can’t just ignore his role as anxiety. they may be friends now but virgil’s past attitude is still part of him. one could say he doesnt want them to ignore the “dark side” of his presence. wink wink. this could be him maybe building up to revealing that he used to be a dark side, subtly preparing thomas for it.

then SvS. patton and virgil don’t interact directly except at the start and during the trial, but it doesn’t seem as strained. this is probably because theyre both on the same side when it comes to deceit—and i think thats important. in svs, both patton and virgil are anti-deceit, and like patton pointed out in LNTAO, “anxiety and morality are telling you the same thing,” which seems to signal to thomas that he should listen.

also in SvS, janus alludes to the fact that virgil was a dark side and is hiding it:

“so you’ve never been reluctant to share anything with the group?”

“dont.”

“what, i just meant your name!”

“dont.”

“maybe that’s why its so easy for you to see me for what i am! like i said before, it takes a liar to know a liar.”

i’m 90% sure he didn’t just mean virgil’s name. virgil is clearly distraught about where this conversation is headed and that just doesn’t line up with him being hesitant to share his name. his fears over his dark persona and reluctance to share his name have been addressed multiple times, so what does he have to be scared of? unless janus is talking about virgil being a dark side.

moving on! in DWIT, again, theyre both kinda anti-remus. theyre both afraid of him, and as logan points out, theyre both part of why remus is so powerful as intrusive thoughts. they dont argue much; virgil spends most of this ep arguing with logan, actually, which is interesting bc he and logan seem to have one of the closest friendships in the show.

in this episode, there’s a few final pushed that i think lead virgil to confess he was a dark side.

first remus reveals his own name and says “i would never hide anything from you!” and sends virgil a little glance. virgil looks uncomfortable. then, around the 31 minute mark, logan says “you can always talk to someone...subjects who talked about their thoughts often felt better emotionally and physically.” and you can see virgil looking around like he’s realizing something.

and then he reveals himself at the end of this episode. just to thomas, but i’m assuming all the other sides would know as soon as thomas himself does, right? if they didn’t know already. what sticks out to me is that he specifically waits until the others leave. he doesn’t want to say it directly to them. and as for how this connects to the patton-virgil stuff...patton might think virgil doesn’t trust him/doesn’t want to open up to him. and/or virgil actually doesn’t want to open up to patton as much anymore.

then in healthy distractions, we clearly see that something is up between virgil and patton.

patton: “how could he feel b-a-d with his inner d-a-d?” virgil: “i can think of a few ways”

patton: “thomas made his decision and i think we should all just try to settle into it” virgil: “how are you telling me to settle into something right now when you have taken your sweet time to settle into things that you were uncomfortable with in the past”

so honestly i don’t really know what virgil’s talking about?? does he mean the events of moving on and the whole breakup situation?? or maybe he’s calling patton out for taking so long to drop the “angel baby” nicknames/treatment. or its implying that patton didnt know virgil was a dark side and is still coming to terms with it/coming to terms with the fact that virgil didn’t want to tell him & the other sides directly.

or he’s referencing something we don’t know of. either way, their relationship is obviously strained rn and it isn’t entirely clear what the turning point was between DWIT and ATHD.

then we come to the new episode. virgil doesn’t appear in POF at all, not even a cameo. i think thats the first time this has happened since accepting anxiety part 1. the only reference to him is the purple time-clock during the mario sequence and other smaller inclusions in the other video game parts. and then what happens in this episode?

patton realizes selfishness can be good sometimes. he accepts that the world, and thomas’ view of it, are not as black-and-white as he wanted to believe in svs. it wasnt a matter of “callback = bad vs wedding = good” bc thats not how the world works. beyond that, he accepts janus.

and i’m gonna bring up the idea that virgil is super mean and gets away with it. its true that the other sides, especially patton, are hesitant to correct him or reprimand him, which i think is bc theyre afraid of making him think they hate him. this idea could even be in the forefront of their minds if they really are that impacted by virgil not telling them he’s a dark side.

the thing is...virgil IS mean sometimes and he DOES get away with it. often, its just directed at janus or remus, and the other sides don’t WANT to disagree. when its directed at the other sides, i’m not sure its taken entirely to heart, regardless of whether it should be or not.

and we all know how virgil feels about janus. suspicion, anger, and aggression are all things virgil expresses towards janus from the moment he appeared as patton in CLBG.

so this all has been building up to me saying that the virgil-patton conflict has now become a virgil-patton-janus conflict. virgil and janus’ past is going to clash with patton and janus’ new alliance, which will strain the already tense relationship between virgil and patton. even worse, now roman is firmly in the anti-janus field, which will likely feed virgil’s anger, especially if he also blames patton for hurting roman.

and if we DO go to roman’s room next, and janus shows up, and the situation worsens...we might have a full blown “patton & janus vs virgil & roman” level argument on our hands.

i think virgil’s gonna be aggressive towards janus, as he has been, but when thomas and patton don’t dismiss him—when they call him by his NAME, not just “deceit”—we’re gonna get a rehash of “are you seriously siding with deceit?” except this time roman won’t be the one saying “are you seriously so closed minded to think that everything said by someone you dont like is automatically untrue?”

the other sides—or patton and thomas at the very least—are going to see that virgil’s blatant dislike of janus is not entirely warranted. and keep in mind that we still don’t know what happened between virgil and janus to make virgil hate him, so maybe it IS warranted. but its clear now that janus is trying to help (assuming he’s not lying which i rly hope he’s not lol) and i dont think its fair to thomas for virgil to want to disregard everything janus says. thomas and patton will realize this and they’ll have to confront virgil about his treatment of janus. we just haven’t gotten there yet.

its gonna be wild, honestly. i want janus to be fully accepted but it might be a while until we get there, just like patton took a while to understand the whole “grayscale morality” idea, and how its probably gonna take a while for virgil (and janus, tbh) to move on from whatever happened between them in the past.

i also believe this is headed towards a sympathetic everyone ending where theyre all important to thomas, acknowledged by him as important, and all actively working together, no dark sides or light sides, just sides. so yeah

basically, the next few episodes will probably be an explosion of all these char tensions and its probably gonna get worse before it gets better, and thats not even considering logan angst, creativitwins angst, or the orange side. but i think (and hope) it’ll all be fine and im hyped to see where this series goes :p

#if u actually read all this props to u #sanders sides #patton sanders #virgil sanders #janus sanders #thomas sanders #ts patton #ts virgil #ts janus #donnieluvsrambling #long post

[madisonrooney]

hi it's your secret santa! first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i hope you have a wonderful day! how are you celebrating, if you are at all? safely, i hope! either way i hope you manage to find a way to have a great day full of love!! consider my christmas gift a belated birthday gift as well lol. anyway i loved reading your last answer, it was so thoughtful and sweet. i realized after reading that i barely know anything about dove lol so follow up q: what about dove makes you love her so much?

sorry for the late response! the last couple days have been v busy and ive been super tired and dissociative on top of it so i made a point to save this bc i wanted to give it my full attention!

first of all thank you!! i was going to do a virtual meet and greet with one of my favs from jersey boys but he got confused about timezones so we rescheduled but were doing it next week! then i went to a virtual walt disney family museum panel, had pizza for dinner and watched some liv and maddie, my mom made a cookie cake that we ate while watching the grinch musical, and then some friends and i watched the jersey boys movie together over skype!

im so glad you enjoyed reading my last answer! and oof thats another loaded question (i love it tho)

- like i said when first talking about what drew me to her and liv and maddie, a big thing is just how much passion and love she puts into her characters. ofc she puts passion into every character she plays, but its the passion she puts into characters like liv, maddie, and mal that means the most to me. that goes back to the fact that ive dealt with a lot of negativity directed towards me for enjoying disney channel, and then you have dove out here saying “yah im a teenager/twenty-something who not only respects what theyre doing on disney channel, but puts my all into it” not to mention she even won an emmy for playing liv and maddie in season 4! i hope that passion and talent has started to change the conversation about disney channel, and tbh i think it has at least a bit.  ofc, none of this is to say other people her age acting on disney channel arent talented and passionate, but idk, something about her has always stood out to me. i find her to be more animated and expressive than most. it can be hard for me to read emotions in live action movies and shows, so thats been really important for me. not to mention she was not only playing the lead but TWO lead characters on a four season show with distinct personalities but also subtle similarities. AND the main character in the biggest DCOM franchise in years for 5 years running now. PLUS the fact that there was a period where those were both happening at the same time. she was only 16 when she started all this and hadnt even had any big roles prior to it!! she had a lot of responsibility so it was amazing to see her not only pull it off, but excel at it.

- i just love like....her aesthetic?? shes always seemed to be a very old soul to me, into old jazz music and poetry and stuff like that. its just very charming. and for her to have that aesthetic on top of being a disney channel actress is a fascinating juxtaposition.

- this is kind of sappy and it gets tiring to hear it said over and over again but that doesnt mean it isnt true: i love how transparent she is about her struggles with mental health issues, trauma, and such. she has been for a long time but even more so over the last year or two. no shade to anyone else, but a lot of actors dont really give you a look into their personal lives, they just share and promote their product. im not saying theres anything wrong with that, its good to know what youre comfortable sharing, ive just felt all the more close to her with her being as open as she is, especially as someone who has gone through trauma myself, albeit different from hers.

- kind of connected to that, i love how important spreading kindness, positivity, and love is to her. thats another thing thats been said a million times but still, its very important to me.

for example. she’ll randomly tweet things like “i love you” a lot. im one to always think of the thought process that goes on behind whatever someone posts, texts, etc., bc personally i put a lot of a thought into pretty much anything i say or do before i put it out there publicly, probably bc of my social anxiety. even tho its a simple statement and takes her a couple seconds to post, she still had to have the thought “i want to remind my fans that theyre loved” or something along those lines. and she has this thought FREQUENTLY. to just randomly get a notification every few days or weeks or so of her saying something like that is just very heartwarming to me.

the reason i connected with miley so much when she helped me through my initial trauma was bc it felt like even if no one loved me, she loves her fans, thus she loves me. thus the person i love and admire the most loves me. even if its only one person, it can be enough. it was for me at the time. i feel that same way with dove. when she came into my life, i didn’t feel as unloved, but her love was still helpful to me.

- of course i need to specifically talk about her kindness in person too. dont get me wrong (ive been saying that a lot havent i lol), i totally and completely loved her long before i met her, but naturally, i love her 10x more after the experiences ive had getting to know her in person.

i could go ONNNNNNN about the experiences ive had with her, and i have lol, and if you already heard me ramble about this in the server i apologize, but the most important thing ive taken away from every encounter ive had with her is this: she always goes the extra mile. she always goes out of her way to make people feel special. what i mean by that is she could say/do HALF as much as she has when meeting me and i would still leave over the moon feeling loved. you can tell she does this in excess bc she really truly means it and cares about people like me, she doesnt have any kind of ulterior motive and isnt just going through the motions doing whats asked of her, she simply cares about me and the rest of her fans. some examples - the first time we met, i was sobbing (lol) and she hugged me for a really long time, rocking me back and forth, brushing my hair with her thumb, calling me sweetheart and honey. she even started to tear up a bit herself. - a couple months later, i went to my first liv and maddie taping. i was preparing to reintroduce myself (i looked a little different bc id been cosplaying as maddie the first time i met her) and ofc when preparing myself, i fantasized pretty heavily as i usually do and pictured myself showing her the pic of us on my phone, her gasping, jumping out of her chair screaming, and hugging me, thinking that was probably way more than i was gonna get. that is EXACTLY what happened. then she went on to tell me how my costume made her whole weekend. things like this would continue to happen where i would set the bar impossibly high and not only would she meet it but she’d exceed it. - our usual interaction from there on would start with her face lighting up when she saw me, her calling me some kind of cute name like love or baby, and then hugging me without me even having to initiate it. - when i saw her in mamma mia, i didnt know when id be seeing her again afterwards after pretty consistently getting to see her for 2 years, so i wanted to make sure we got some kind of closure. at the stage door, i reminded her how much she meant to me and just expected like an “aww i love you too” or something back, but she said “you are an angel in my life” and i will never forget that. obvs, i havent told her ALL the details about what she and her characters mean to me but like...she can tell. she can tell if im in a homemade maddie costume sobbing into her arms that theres something there, and shes VERY appreciative of that. - i thankfully got to see her at a meet and greet a few months later and every time i thought i should get going cuz i didnt want to hold the line up, she would just open her arms for another hug. speaking of being appreciative, she even said “thank you for being such a supportive fan.” as i left, i turned around to say one last goodbye. i made sure she wasnt with the next fan yet and yelled out “bye!” and she yelled back “I LOVE YOU!!” and blew me a kiss. again, its the little things. - i saw her at a small panel in new york a few months after that. she walked in the room when the lights were down as they were playing a clip, she quietly waved hi to everyone, then saw me and loudly whispered HI BABY!!! and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. (then she looked at me from the stage and asked which way i thought she should cross her legs for the interview lol) - sometimes when she sees im next in line, shell give me a knowing smile or whisper “hi baby!!” or something like that. she saw me in the crowd after clueless and seemed to make a point to come to me last bc she knew wed be talking for a while, which we did. she even told me she’d seen me in the audience, asking if i was in the front on the left, which i was.

even all that is still just scratching the surface. weve “known” each other for 5 years now and every time i think she’s done the most she can do, she outdoes herself again. not to mention when im at these events, i see her treat all the fans she meets with all of that kindness too. naturally all of this has made me love her all the more.

- finally, lets just be honest here..........................shes REALLY fucking hot.

#gcwca secret santa #Anonymous

[delimeful]

First time they saw Patton cuddling with Virgil? (Like y’know the energy thing maybe?) Or Virgil protecting the three of them from some other alien?

Okay, now that Making Adjustments is out in full, I’m posting all the asks that inspired me for certain parts or even just to continue writing! Thank you to everyone who sent in ideas/what they wanted to see/theories, I really appreciate it! All asks under the cut!

@ironwoman359 said: I’d be really interested to read about what the first week or two aboard the ship with all four of them was like. I’m sure it was a big adjustment for all of them, and it’d be really cool to see!

@skeletonsloverockcandy said: WINBAR prompt - Virgil’s first night on the ship, is not with Patton, and gets a nightmare. Logan finds him and Virgil has to explain his nightmare/dreams

@the-princey-pie said: Logan mentioned that Virgil would probbaly have trouble fitting through the space ship doors. Now I really want to see Vorgil stepping into their spaceship the first time/navigating it for the first few weeks.

@indigomasquerade97 said: WIBAR prompt. Virgil is Stitch from Lilo and Stitch. You know the scene I’m talking about! ;) Roman is still freaked out with the idea of having a human on board, and one night (maybe on patrol, since he is still jittery from loosing Patton and doesn’t want to loose him - or Logan - again) and he gets freaked out by the nocturnal human suddenly being in the room? IDK

Anonymous said: So. I was wondering for the WIBAR prompts, what was Virgil’s first night on the ship like? How did Roman and Logan act towards him? And is he worried that his relationship with Patton is going to change now that he’s back with his family? Sorry if this is a lot…

Anonymous said: WIBAR prompt idea: Food! Since food is often culturally connected for humans, would it be the same for our alien friends? And if they have any, from Virgil’s pov., strange food items etc. Would be interesting to see considering they are all from such different species. :D

@justanotherpurplebutterfly said: WIBAR: did Patton tell his crewmates how to interpret Virgil’s body language? Did they figure it out for themselves? Did they struggle to remember when they saw him smile or stretch (and make himself big) or something?

Anonymous said: I would love to see some V POV or adjustment period/cultural differences! (particularly L/R’s reactions to V smiling, differences in diet/hunting styles, what V considers a threat vs. what LMP consider threats… anything that highlights the deathworlder in Virg! (Space Australia is like my fav thing that came out of tumblr)) also maybe some more of L/R’s thoughts on Patton befriending a space boogieman?? I really really love this au! :)

Anonymous said: OoOOooh okay how about,, Virgil’s POV as they head back to Roman and Logan’s ship and get on, (and maybe if he doesn’t know the species Logan and Roman are he could ask? That seems the easiest way for us to learn more about the boys without it being too awkwardly shoved in) and V’s probably awkward because he doesn’t know Lo and Ro and Ro’s openly hostile and he wasn’t expecting to go along with them and idk you decide. Also :DD wibar’s not done yet!! Tysm; I’m really enjoying it!

@bishopriecke said: Okay, so I’ve got a couple prompts so I’ll send them separately in case that’s how you’d wanted them? The story is absolutely adorable and it made me think of the sleeping habits back on the ship. There’s space for Virgil, but will Pat gravitate to sleeping with him, since it was such a comfort and Virgil only gets sleepy if he snags energy during cuddles? If he’s tired/virgil’s stressing over something will he wander over to where Virgil is chilling and settle in his lap? How’s Ro&Lo react?

@bumblebeekitten said: Do any of the others attempt to learn Virgil’s language? Or maybe Virgil quietly tries to dispel some of the more hurtful rumors about ‘deathworlder humans’?

Anonymous said: What would wibar Roman and Logan do if they couldn’t find Patton? Would they assume Virgil had done something?

Anonymous said: While waiting for more WIBAR, I keep re-reading everything (Act 1, Intermission, all the world building asks). Right now, I just want to plead with Patton to go find Virgil as he needs comfort, to calmly tell Logan that I don’t blame him, and to hiss at Roman that, while he has had bad experiences and that is valid, he needs to be nicer. Granted, a reaction like that from a human fan-nut probably wouldn’t help Virgil’s case… but he needs a hug so much right now!

Anonymous said: i’m thinking there’s lots of potential for hurt/comfort with this chapter. Virgil’s obviously panicking so i reckon he’s gonna have to try and convince himself that he can trust Patton if not the others. i feel like virgil still wont trust the others but they’ll get to see that he’s not always this big, strong deathworlder and he gets scared just like them. he’s been traumatised and he cares for Patt a lot and theyll try to understand eachother better and hopefully become friends/gain some trust

Anonymous said: that is very much wishful think and a need for my boys to be happy though haha. soz, that probably wasnt very helpful for writing but thats just something i’d like to see happen but i KNOW that whatever you end up writing is gonna be fabulous (ran out of room on my last ask and couldnt even sign it, whoops)

@justanotherpurplebutterfly said: I’m mainly really curious how Roman will react. If he has even have as big of an imagination as buobba Roman then he will probably interpret Virgil’s outburst as a violent attack and try to frame him as a danger they shouldn’t keep on the ship. However if he was able to detect Virgil’s fear then this might be the first step of them growing closer. Idk which I like better, because on one hand I want them to to get along and witness wacky human things in an amicable atmosphere, but on the other hand, misunderstandings are soooo good!!!! Most of all I want Virgil to get a hug though. Poor boy deserves one. I don’t care with who it is, although I suspect it will be Patton because no way the other ones trust Virgil enough and vice versa.

@yalltookmyurlideas said: Haha wibar fears? There are,,, so many. My main fear is that Roman will misinterpret Virgil’s panic to mean he’s hiding something and not see it for the panic and fear it is.

Anonymous said: I was thinking about for WIBAR, are we going to find out more about Virgils life on Earth? Is there angst there or is it irrelevant? Also would Logan and Roman go after Virgil themselves so as not to worry Pat or would they realise this was a situation they couldn’t solve? OR does Roman think V is attacking them and goes to hurt him? Sorry long ask but I’m excited for the chapter 😅😅🥰🥰

Anonymous said: Ayyy super late gang, barely got a hour of sleep bc anxiety/nightmares so yeehaw. I guess for WIBAR, the most essential thing to consider is how you want Making Adjustments to sorta add onto its characters & how they interact. Idk that ofc, but I think the situation is going to resolve into a ‘im only human’ (the irony) kinda situation and the crew (maybe minus patton??) only /starting/ to grasp the human is a bunch of damaged goods who is lowkey more scared of them than they are of he (½)

Anonymous said: (2/2) how i see the situation going down? Depends who finds him. If it’s Pat, he could sing him clam like in the cell. If its Roman or Logan, odds are Virgil’s gonna b scared & his response will be to Fight or Freeze, as he already did the Flight option. Virgil reacting like a cornered animal would be terrifying Ro and Lo. (Also Ro and Lo going to wake up Pat for Human Help has the same vibes of a child waking up their parents to tell them they puked lmao)

@killerfangirl3 said: After where you left last chapter, I am 100% terrified Roman will find Virgil before Patton and cause real danger to everyone. After all Virgil is flooded with adrenaline right now and he barely knows how his strength affects the metal? of the ship as it is. The sudden increase in strength if he was attempting to defend himself could cause him to put a hole in the ship.

@hotchocolatehugs said: Oh! Also, would Virgil calm down if Patton found him, or would it just make him worse/more crazed? I dunno about his state of mind, but if I were in his position I would probably be acting aggressively to anyone who came in. Do aliens have hot chocolate or tea, or some equivalent drink? Because I think Virge needs a calming drink. (sorry if this is too much!)

Anonymous said: I saw your latest post and all I could think about is Virgil stuck on the appliance, really high up and close to the ceiling unseen while he sees Roman and Logan below. Maybe a bit of a language barrier while they say some words that Virgil may not no yet and jumping to conclusions and filling in the blanks in the sentences

Anonymous said: I’m afraid that In WIBAR, Roman may keep Pat from going to find and comfort Virgil and just…leave him up there

@katelynn-a-fan said: Mission impossible theme while looking for Virgil. Too short can’t see Virgil on top appliance. Mission impossible theme continues and fades into the distance. (That’s all I got)

Anonymous said: WIBAR suggestions/predictions/fears: I worry about Roman or Logan finding Virgil before Patton - Roman because I don’t think he will be understanding about how afraid Virgil is; Logan because I think that would scare Virgil more. He might break out of his flight stage into fight, and that could make them fear him more. But, while worry about this scenario, maybe it would be for the best. Maybe one or both need to find him at a low to see that he isn’t a monster, just scared.

@enby-phoenix said:

OK so wibar thoughts! I’m a little concerned that Roman will think that Virgil was genuinely trying to attack him with that chair and also probably trying to hurt Logan, and he’s gonna get upsetti. I also think that the way they figure out what’s made Virgil go all fight or flight will probably involve Logan doing the memory share thing, but it’ll take them a bit to get close enough without Virgil threatening to bite Logan’s hands off.

Also PLEASE let my boy eat a full meal and get some proper sleep!

I would also love to see Virgil curled around Patton protectively but everyone knows that it’s Patton who’s making Virgil feel safe.

Another prediction is that Logan, realizing that SOMETHING bad just happened, and knowing that all his information on humans seems to be incorrect or at least not apply to this one, will go to Patton for advice on what to do regarding Virgil’s sudden change of behavior, and how to calm him down again. Cause Patton is the resident expert on Virgil.

I also imagine that Logan might keep his note taking to himself again for a bit, until Virgil believes that he’s not the bad kind of scientist.

I love that Virgil climbed on top of the tallest thing he could find, and I imagine that if it’s above everyone else’s usual eyelines, they each walk past him multiple times while they’re worriedly searching the ship for him.

I’m mostly imagining Virgil clinging to Patton like a lifeline and the other two aliens worrying for their tiny friend but Patton knows that Virgil is just scared and sings him the “calm down baby it’s okay I’m here” hatchling soothing song until Virgil calms down a little, and then still staying with him while explanations are had. They do not come out of the small space on top of the tallest appliance and Roman doesn’t like that but he’ll deal.

Now that I’m thinking about it more, one of the best ways for Logan to gain (at least a little bit of) Virgil’s trust would be for Virgil to see his honest reaction to what the other scientists did to him. Cause based on what I know of Logan, he would be horrified. And that might help Virgil to realize that Logan ISN’T LIKE those other scientists.

Anonymous said: *gets out the defibrillator to help kickstart the creative juices* At this point Virgil is running on fumes and when the trio find him Patton tries to comfort him. But he’s too stressed and feels betrayed and there’s just too much inner turmoil for him to hold back so he finally breaks down in front of them. Perhaps it’s not Patton that manages to calm him down, but Roman who finally recognizes him as a traumatized person rather than “just an evil human” :D

@enby-phoenix said: tbh Virgil probably hisses at either Logan or Roman at some point and it makes them nervous and confused.

Anonymous said: Roman forcing Virgil down from his hiding spot. 'Blade’ to his neck and tying him to a chair. Virgil thinking that he shouldn’t have run and that they are going to be even angrier at him now, ergo more painful experiments. Begging to be put under for the cutting away and to please don’t get mad at Patton (just in case Patton was trying to be a good friend).

Anonymous said: Suggestion for WIBAR - Roman goes looking for Virgil, all ready for a confrontation. But, when he finds him, Virgil unknowingly makes some sort of gesture that means fear/terror to Roman’s people and he stops and evaluates the situation with clearer eyes. This gives Patton/Logan/both a chance to get there.

Anonymous said: Can we get somr wibar fluff/angst?

Anonymous said: I’m just waiting for WIBAR Virgil to just pass out and the panic of everyone that sees him. Or Roman threatening him or Logan goes to touch him and BAM he’s on the floor!

Anonymous said: Stuff for WIBAR: 1: who’s gonna find Virgil? 2: what’re they gonna do with him? 3: how’s he gonna react? – Options: Patton: tries to comfort him Virgil: can’t decide whether to trust or not, maybe leading to emotional outburst and sad PatPat – Logan: scared cuz danger goblin had an outburst at him. Wondering what he did wrong & how to best proceed Virgil: 'he’s gonna do tests on me’ fight or flight – Roman: 'so, if you hurt my friends imma hurt you’ Virgil: fight or flight – ½

Anonymous said: 2/2 Of course those aren’t the only options, but it was fun for me, and I hope it got creative juices flowing for you as well. I love all your writing, and I want you to know that you can take as long as you need to be proud of your work. It’s okay. And take care of yourself too! You can’t make as good of work when you aren’t feeling as good as usual

#asks #wibar #assistance asks #long post #read more please work :(

[aidenoes]

Im kinda bored so this is a little story time about a toxic best friend i had for many many years

Tw : s*lf-h*rm, s*icid*l thought, forced coming-out

To make the story easier let's call her Fish.

So... it started in primary school, i had moved out into a new city when i was in 3rd grade. That's when i first met her and we never really talked much. Then came 5th grade when we actually became friends.

And middle school happened and that's when everything went downhill real fast. In 6th grade i was still friend with her and i tried to get along with her other friend who was a bitch at that time, and i was too, so we never got along (even tho she is now my best friend bc we realised how much Fish was toxic lmao). So i had made new friends and she had too but we still made up over time and the other girl wasn't hanging out with us anymore.

Moving on to 7th, there was a new girl that came at the school at the beginning of the school year (who is also my bestfriend, props to her for staying with me all these years) and Fish immediately started talking to her. Eventually we have a group of 5 friends :me, her, our boyfriends and the new girl. The thing is that there was a trend of s*lf-h*rming yourself just to pretend to be depressed and sad, and Fish was one of the people who followed that trend. Me, being an absolute idiot, had no idea of the gravity. Well, i mean, i knew it was bad but my bestfriend was doing it so it's fine right ? No, it was not and i almost gave in to but i was afraid to harm myself so i never did. And that example is just to show how much i copied her, i destroyed my relationship bc i wanted to be like her and my ex-boyfriend was so good to me. Her relationship was like an light switch, you never knew when they were back together or not. We also had a skype group and messenger group of just three people: me, her and the new girl. Me and the new girl would badly roleplay and she would tell me, and only me, that i was cringy and leave the group chat like that. And i had no right to tell her i didn't like something about her, but she could though ? I let it slip anyway. I thought i was really happy, then came the worst year of my school life.

8th grade. At this point, Fish and her boyfriend had broken since he apparently abused her (im not sure since she is prone to lying) but i was still in good terms with him. Well we were not the best of friends but i wouldn't punch him (now i would bc he became such a fucking dick). But Fish started to become distant, as if she didn't want me around anymore but i ignored it thinking it was all in my head. One day, our teacher assigned us new places in class and i was next to her ex-boyfriend. We of course talked in class and laughed together. But out of nowhere, she started doing the sign where you slit your throat with your finger, y'know ? I thought she was doing it for kidding and i was just really confused, it was break after that class anyway so i can ask her wtf that was. She came to me and thought i was plotting against her with her ex-boyfriend and just told me to go fuck myself basically. I waited for my now ex-boyfriend and my friend to come-out of their class and explained to them what happened while containing my tears. They tried to go to her and try to understand wtf went wrong and funfact: nothing went wrong and she was just being a bitch and i later learned she just wanted to move on and discard everything from the past year, including me. But i didn't know that, i thought i broke everything, i thought i broke our group friend, i felt guilty and i felt, alone. My boyfriend that got out of school just before me went to my mom that was there to come pick me up, that i wasnt really well and he went away when i got out. My mom did ask me what was wrong and i told her that i'll explain when we're home. At home i explained everything and broke down in my moms arm, i dont know if i cried out of anger or sadness, but seeing me cry was enough for my mom to hate her with all her guts. I've felt so lonely after that. I had no one to eat lunch with, i had no one to be in group in class with and i had no idea of how to occupy my brain when i had no one to talk to, i read in the morning waiting for the friends i had left, i would draw whenever i had to wait alone and i would eat fast to get out the fastest possible. I also lost everything i was since at that time i was like a sponge of personality and just squeeze out whatever the personality people wanted out of me. I had lost everything and i didn't want to be here anymore, i just wanted to die honestly. And i think i wouldve if i didnt think there was my family and my friends. However, it does not end here ! Bc my dumb ass made so many more mistakes ! Bc one day in our technology class i had to work with her for an assignment and we gradually made up until we became friend again, but i was still wary of her and my s*icidal thoughts were still very present. So i was still very toxic and pushing the people that were there for me away. My boyfriend broke up with me. I didnt know what to do, but looking back this was such a good decision for him and for me. I am so thankful for him to have broke up with me, but at that moment i was a bit hurt but at the same time i saw it coming so i had so time to grief about it. A month later my mom decided to bring me to Mauritius (where she is from) bc she thought i had a hard time no having her around for the first time which is kinda true but not all the truth. I had no wifi and no way of contacting anyone. That was so refreshing ! That's when i started to understand that i had the right to think for myself first and not be a fucking carpet for everyone to walk on. I was not out of the shit but i started to understand how to get out.

9th grade, was my savior. This was the best year of my life with nothing to worry about except an exam at the end. You remember the girl in 6th grade that was a bitch ? Yeah we became close friends during that year bc i realised she was a bitch bc she was badly influenced on in 6th and 5th grade. And the new girl remember her ? That's also the year when we got close, the year where we became best friends, when i learned to be and love myself and the year when i started to stand up for myself. I have some bad daddy issues and i have almost always shared my problems with Fish but i started sharing less toward the end of 8th grade. One day i was complaining that i had to be basically the messenger bird of my parents and she looked at me annoyed and tell me 'why don't you go to the police ?'. Like we didnt ??? Like she thinks that my dad was harassing my mom and we didnt ?? That's basically saying 'don't be' to someone who is sad. And i explained that to her and she was like 'don't complain to me if you're going to flip off like that when im giving you a solution', excuse me bitch... what ? I was hella mad. She came fake apologising like a few weeks later. And one day she came out to me as pansexual, great for her, and i was also questionning my gender and thought i was genderfluid so i came out to her. She was like 'oh ok' and i sent her some memes about genderfluidity and she was like 'stop this is annoying'. So i shut my trap. I also learned that during a school i didnt went she faked some anxiety and was being a bitch bc her friend wouldnt come to a shop with her even so another one was ok with going with her. I eventually started to understand that she was bad for my mental health, so i just started ghosting her bc i just didnt want to talk with her anymore and i didnt know how to confront her. She came up and grabbed and pulled me by my backpack that was full of shit just to ask me why i didnt answer to one of her text. I was so scared i just told her i wasnt feeling well and just told her i needed time. The year went by it was great and i didnt want to be in cold with Fish but i also didnt want to be her friend, i wanted to just be classmates, however when she was told this she understood : 'they want to be friend again'. So she clung with us next year.

10th grade, was last year and was full of drama. And we only had 6 months of school. 10th grade is the first year of highschool and the only year where we don't have an exam. I also had a forced new friend that we're going to call Taz so we don't get mixed up. She was also very clingy and it felt like having a leech stuck to me. And Fish was being very, let's say embarrassing and making us feel uncomfortable. She would make ton of sexual joke and we told her it was making us uncomfortable but she would apologise just to do it again the week later so we just gave up. She also outed me in class, thankfully the class was really noisy and only my bestfriend heard it but this fucking bitch just asked outta nowhere 'so you're still on this whole thing about being genderfluid or what ?' And she wasnt talking low, she was talking loud and clear. I felt so embarras and i hoped that no one else heard it. I answered as very quietly 'no.. i think im genderqueer now' and she just said ok. That's also around when i discovered im bi so i was so glad that i didnt tell her about that. And a few months later there was some shit going around about bullying and Fish was one of the targets. And let's say that our english teacher held up a trial so i opened up my big ass mouth to talk and defend Fish. And guess what, Taz just blurted out that i and my best friend were bullying her. Excuse me ? I defended her ass and when i talked to her about it she told me 'no you didnt, you just yelled at me once in physics'. So bc i yelled at her bc she wouldnt listen to me when we had to work i bullied her ? What a thank ! And when i tried to talk it out with Taz, she fucking ignored me and left. I was enraged. I was crying out of fucking rage and still aced a test in english. At the end i explained everything to my crush while i was walking home with her bc she lived next to my moms restaurant. When i stepped into the restaurant, there was my moms friend, which im kinda close to, and my mom who asked me how was my day i cried out of anger. They comforted me and supported me. At school, one day the assistant director called me and my best friend in his office. And told us that in highschool there are no bullying only misunderstandings (i dont really agree with that but anyway) and asked us our side of the story. We explained that we didnt get along with her anymore and made it very clear that we were uncomfortable with her but she wouldnt take a hint. And we left the office just like that. The assistant director probably told Fish our side and she never went to talk with us bc of covid.

Now, im in 11th grade, we do not talk anymore and this feel so much better. Now i'll just drop some bonus drama

She accused me of drowning her when it was her ex-boyfriend that did and made her scared of water, while i was there to support her when she was dealing with her phobia.

And her mom thought that i was a bad influence for her sweet sweet daughter when she was the one to incite me to c*t myself like paper, wow ok.

This is just a personal share and just maybe a way for others to recognise the toxic behaviors of fake friends.

#story time #toxic friendship #toxic friend #have fun reading this #i am still mad sometime #but only sometime

[hikari-ni-naritai]

Youre just too nice Em ; ~; Id love to chat privately but my anxiety is through the roof with this already so I dont think I can yet... But on the subject of yuri,any recommendations!? I search a lot but I cant find more ... And yeah, I highly doubt anything could get you to like her, especially if the combination heroes unit thing with byleth didnt help, that one got me real good hahaha.. I always feel judged if people I like dislike something I do like, though with media im fine, but girls...

Oh, and again, thank you for putting up with all this kinda out of nowhere babbling ;~; if I wasnt such a pot of anxiety I'd have approached you way earlier but yeah... I will appreciate you from the shadows and sometimes send a buttload of asks instead, though that sounds a touch creepy now that I write it out ; ~; In any case, I hope you won't mind my wackass fictional lesbian problems when I drop by hahaaa.. I do gotta split now so again!!!! Thank you!!!! <3<3<3<3<3! 

you are always welcome here! there is no need for fear. but i cant pretend i dont understand anxiety, so im glad youve at least managed to send me asks <3  also fuck that combination hero that should be EDELGARD with byleth in a cute swimsuit not that whore pope

and you KNOW i got yuri recs i got yuri recs for days! if you want anime, Bloom Into You is top tier. Adachi to Shimamura just finished airing and its pretty good too. the Kase-san and Morning Glories ova is really nice and sweet. Citrus was, i think, pretty good? but they were step sisters so that might put you off. i also really love Sakura Trick, bc its just about girls kissing, and they do that a lot. oh, and its not really like, Yuri yuri, but My Life As A Villainess was really good and the main girl is really gay and all her girl friends are really gay also. i enjoyed it immensely.

i dont know much about manga bc i dont read it often, but if you want recs of that, ive ended up rereading Bright and Cheery Amnesia like 3 or 4 times. Ive heard really good things about the rest of the bloom into you manga since its finished.  thats about all ive got for manga but im sure i could rustle up a dozen more that ive heard are good.

but i think the real place for yuri is visual novels! heart of the woods i cant recommend enough its SO good and everybodys SO gay and ghost gf im in love. highway blossoms is also by the writer of heart of the woods, and its also incredible and one of the only experiences with english voice acting that was good enough for my standards. kindred spirits on the roof is really good and theres so many couples in it that are really cute but one of them is a student with a young teacher and some people would be put off by that so i have to give this disclaimer. and shit i would even recommend sakura gamer, which despite being fuckin a horny trashy sakura game, is still really cute and the writing i think is clever and you can date BOTH girls at the SAME TIME and its REALLY good theyre very cute. the sakura series surprisingly handles yuri plots a lot better than they handle straight plots, which isnt to say they handle them well, but . . . at least the girls have personalities instead of being cardboard cutout self inserts.

also this ones a bit niche but i played through one game of ladykiller in a bind, which is about a girl pretending to be her twin brother on a cruise, and theres a lot of bondage and “plot crucial” lesbian sex scenes but you can just fucking turn on “sfw mode” which makes everybody wear christmas sweaters during the scenes and it fucking kills me every single time i see a girl just with a really oversized christmas sweater tht doesnt match the art style at all. and also it’s very good about dealing with consent and gender and i just really enjoyed it. also you can name the characters whatever you want with no letter limit so i named one “She Who Licks The Boot” and it made me laugh every single time she appeared.

ive got a lot of other yuri vns in my steam library but some of them i havent played and a lot of them are sakura games. if you want more detailed recommendations of any of these please just let me know! i am always excited to talk about yuri. but now its bedtime and i have a terrible headache! i hope you have a good day anon! <33

#Anonymous

[boojersey]

content warning for this long ass fucking story: lots of medical fuckups and body horror in the doctors office. this is super graphic depiction of my doctor visit which entailed a procedure. you have been warned >;)

i went to the foot doctor today to get my lifelong ingrown toenail issue corrected on one toe after i stubbed it so bad the nail split down the middle and the entire top half of my toenail unseated and snapped off and this was easily the weirdest doctor visit ive ever had so strap in folks. so i was talking to the doctor and she was telling me about the procedure and i was like i get to watch right and she was like uh ya if u want ! and she was literally drop dead beautiful in an intelligent and passionate slightly frazzled doctor way and i was so fucking chill every second she was in the room.

the nurses come in and tell me theyre gonna apply the anesthetic and one of them is brand new and in training and i was like UH i need to be laid down. bc if i see the syringe while you do this i WILL pass out. and they were like sweet ok just fine and so the anesthetic involved two syringe applications (since both sides of my toenail get ingrown) basically ballooning up my foot with some anesthetic and as they did this they “froze” my toe with i believe nitrous? it was weird bc it wasnt the same chemical i was familiar with that was a numbing agent but it was a freezy thing anyway. anyway the first syringe goes smoothly. the second one???? FUCKING snaps in half on the way in. the plunger literally *pop* snaps in half and theyre like ...........thats never happened. so they go for another syringe and im like. heave ho in the brain trying to be ok but i was SMART AS SHIT before going to this appointment because i knew what the surgery would entail and i Wanted to watch. so i drank about half a twisted tea and i was feeling very liquid courage otherwise i literally mightve cried during this appointment. anyway. they come back and administer round two again? and THE SAME THING HAPPENS. and my toe is NOT NUMB YET and so i FEEL as the nurse says well im not wasting another needle AND MACGYVERS IT PRETTY MUCH TREATING MY TOE LIKE PLAY DOH AND SQUEEZING ANESTHETIC AROUND SWISHING IT THRU THE FLESH. ALL WHILE I FEEL HER FORCING THE ANESTHETIC IN BY HAND AND NOT BY PLUNGER BASE.it was seriously terrible.

nurses eventually finish. they have to bring me a cup of water. anesthetic didnt totally do its job. i still feel on the bottom of my toe. they say its fine. im thanking the gods im tipsy. i feel as she pokes the bottom of my toe with the surgical pliers again and im about to ask if they can just do it anyway because im so terrified of more anesthetic. the beautiful doctor reenters and im suddenly feeling completely better. she tells me the fact i can feel only on the very bottom is no big deal.

i dont give a shit about the anesthetic. she tourniquets me up at the base of my toe (this is usually something that my phobia kicks in with since its usually a sign im getting a needle; pretty doctor is here so all is well and my anxieties do not appear) and goes ‘still wanna watch?’

the nurse who was training the other answers first saying im skittish. i say yes. her jaw drops. ‘you cant take the needle but you can take watching your toe get ripped apart?’ i nod eagerly. i do not tell her this is because i watch dr miami’s snapchats and ran a gore blog in my teens. i can tell the doctor likes me. she goes into a story about how she’s kind of glad about the new safety features corona brought because she is less able to smell patients with foot odor. as shes saying this shes inserting something inbetween the receding nail and the skin it has so long bruised and hurt in my life and in one smooth motion pries my skin apart. i watch, rapt, as she sections off the piece of the nail she deems ingrown with a pair of scissors, then takes the pliers and like a first grader’s baby tooth yanks and removes the nail. the piece that had been causing me so much pain was ENORMOUS. im talking like a centimeter wide which is a lot for a nail. it’s jagged and sharp, having grown only into whatever flesh it could. she pries out a few more bits, then picks up an object that reminds me of a microscopic spoon? if you’ve seen the tiny kitchen videos it reminds me of what an ice cream scooper would look like on there. she takes this and cores out the area like an eye on a potato. its insane to watch happen to myself, especially with the reminder that its happening to myself in that theres still a dull thumping feeling regardless of the anesthetic during this procedure, theres just no pain or Feeling feeling. she repeats this on the other side, then tells me about the chemical shes going to be inserting into the now gaping wounds in my toe. it’s got a 99.9% chance of making these changes to my toenail width permanent, meaning i should never be plagued by a purple and sore toe just because my brittle nail broke the day before. im practically crying in relief as she takes pointed qtips dipped in this chemical and spin cycles them into the wounds like a pneumatic drill. she gets up and says i should think about the medical field if i dont get queasy at such an event, and i let in on my phobia to the room of her and the two nurses. theyre all clearly confused by the parameters of it as i tell them i have a tattoo and pierce my face, i just cant Look at a syringe or ill pass out. the doctor leaves and im left in her wake of calm as the nurses wrap my toe in bandages. theyre red. it looks like a clown nose for my foot.

i hobble out of the room and schedule my follow up for the other foot. i need a sharps bag taped around the lower portion of my sock because it’s raining as i climb the stairs of my apartment. i have had to piss like a motherfucker the entire procedure but was too afraid to interrupt. i cant wait for the rain to let up to take my socked foot up to the third floor.

my mother tells me its disgusting that i cant shower for the day. i go into my room, drink the rest of the twisted tea, and promptly fall asleep for four hours.

send tweet.

#needles // #medical // #ask to tag #this is the first creative writing ive done since starting college mayhaps. #does this even count