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astradrifting · 3 years

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This is kind of inspired by this recent ask I sent to @esther-dot about Jon’s characterisation and Jonsa shippers’ apparent disregard for it, because it made me think of another part of Jon’s characterisation that is really integral to who he is. Mainly, that Jon really loves his brothers. Especially Robb. His rival and best friend and constant companion. Jon envies him, competes with him, buried a formative traumatic memory where he was deeply hurt by him... but ultimately loves him. Complex relationships with his brothers, both the Starks and his Night’s Watch brothers, are a running theme in Jon’s chapters.

Speaking of Jon’s brothers...

Aegon VI and Robb have a lot of potential parallels, actually. The “Young” moniker, red-haired counselors who are also their parents, trained to be the heir to a great kingdom from a young age, the barely younger half-brother Jon borne of their father’s dishonour of their mother… one that they might both have a good relationship with despite that?

The show tried to play with Jon ‘accepting’ his Targaryen lineage through the jonerice romance, very unconvincingly because it was simultaneously undermining it at every opportunity, in what was maybe a half-assed attempt at Pol!Jon (”They’ll all come to see you for what you are” isn’t anything but a threat in all contexts).

Jon will ultimately choose the Starks over everything else, that’s not really a question. But if Jon were to genuinely connect with another Targaryen, it’d likely be easier for him to find kinship with a half-brother than with an aunt - he has a basis for positive relationships with trueborn half-brothers, while the only aunt figure he’s ever known about is a) long dead and b) actually his mother. I think it’d both make more sense and be more compelling for GRRM to leverage Jon’s existing complex relationships with brotherhood by having him interact with and build a relationship with Aegon, than a rushed and out-of-character romance with Dany.

Jon also is already primed to believe that Aegon is the real deal, that he was saved as a baby, because he’s already done the exact same thing himself - he swapped out a baby of royal blood who was in danger for a common-born boy, and then sent him halfway across the world for safety (side note: if Septa Lemore is Ashara, and if the baby was actually Ashara’s son as theorised here by @agentrouka-blog, that would just strengthen the parallel, because it would be his body double’s mother caring for him, as Gilly has to do for Mance’s son).

They’re definitely going to come into conflict first - politically, Jon will likely be in a position of power in the North by the time they meet, maybe as the KitN through Robb’s will or regent for Rickon, and probably will fight for Northern independence, while Aegon is fighting to be king of the Seven Kingdoms, not 6. Personally, it will be hard to get past the fact that Jon is the direct result of Rhaegar dishonouring Elia, plus that the Kingsguard who should have been protecting her were all stationed in Dorne, guarding Jon’s mother (in whatever capacity). But these interactions, a conflict and eventual friendship/brotherhood between them, would all be a lot more layered than jonerice can really offer. If a relationship between Jon and Dany was truly all that GRRM has been building up to, then there would have been no need for R+L=J - it adds nothing to that storyline, it doesn’t even make it a forbidden romance, because aunt-nephew is hardly the worst incest the Targaryens have engaged in.

It’s almost inevitable that Da*nerys is going to kill Aegon VI/Young Griff in the books, likely by burning him with dragonfire, in the Second Dance of the Dragons. The weird Dragonpit meeting in the show was very contrived, but it does make sense for Dany to meet the ruler on the Iron Throne at least once in a semi-peaceful context. In the show, she used her dragons only to intimidate Cersei, but she didn’t have a personal grievance with her. Aegon is in much more danger during such a meeting. After all she will think he is a pretender, and she doesn’t much care for the rules of safe conduct, as she showed to the envoys from Yunkai.

Dany shrugged, and said, "Dracarys."

The dragons answered. Rhaegal hissed and smoked, Viserion snapped, and Drogon spat swirling red-black flame. It touched the drape of Grazdan's tokar, and the silk caught in half a heartbeat.

[...]

"You swore I should have safe conduct!" the Yunkish envoy wailed.

"Do all the Yunkai'i whine so over a singed tokar? I shall buy you a new one... if you deliver up your slaves within three days. Elsewise, Drogon shall give you a warmer kiss." She wrinkled her nose. "You've soiled yourself. Take your gold and go, and see that the Wise Masters hear my message."

(ASOS, Dany IV)

"Ah, there is the thorn in the bower, my queen," said Hizdahr zo Loraq. "Sad to say, Yunkai has no faith in your promises. They keep plucking the same string on the harp, about some envoy that your dragons set on fire."

"Only his tokar was burned," said Dany scornfully.

(ADWD, Dany VI)

So Dany will burn the Blackfyre pretender, and everyone will be happy and cheer to see the rightful queen, the last Targaryen, Slayer of Lies, Breaker of Chains, Insert-The-Million-Other-Titles-Here. Right?

Except how would she prove that he’s an imposter? She can’t exactly roll up with an Alt Shift X video pointing out that Illyrio has said some weird things about Aegon. Is Varys going to have an attack of remorse and explain his whole plot, complete with Blackfyre family tree? Or maybe she’ll explain that she went on a vision quest in Qarth and Aegon totally matches up with the vague symbolism that a bunch of drugged up warlocks told her before she set them on fire?

I don’t think it’s going to matter if Aegon is fake or not, and we might never find out either way. The mystery of his identity isn’t his main narrative, and all of his significance to the story and to multiple other characters is removed if he’s proved to not be Aegon VI. Him being proved fake would just make this plotline a weird, unnecessary digression on Dany’s journey to being the righteous and true queen, his death just another #girlboss moment for her. That’s definitely going to be her perception of it, but once she reaches Westeros we won’t have to rely on only her POV of her actions. History is written by the winners, and no one’s going to miss that it’s a lot more convenient for Dany if the boy with a stronger claim than her turns out to have been fake all along. Arianne and the Dornish are definitely not going to take it lying down, and neither is Jon. He’s not going to fall in love with the woman who murdered his brother, especially by burning him alive. ADWD has plenty to say about how much he hates death by fire.

“Men say that freezing to death is almost peaceful. Fire, though … do you see the candle, Gilly?”

She looked at the flame. “Yes.”

“Touch it. Put your hand over the flame.”

Her big brown eyes grew bigger still. She did not move.

“Do it.” Kill the boy. “Now.”

Trembling, the girl reached out her hand, held it well above the flickering candle flame.

“Down. Let it kiss you.”

Gilly lowered her hand. An inch. Another. When the flame licked her flesh, she snatched her hand back and began to sob.

“Fire is a cruel way to die. Dalla died to give this child life, but you have nourished him, cherished him. You saved your own boy from the ice. Now save hers from the fire.”

(ADWD, Jon II)

Funnily enough, the same fire as a kiss imagery from Dany burning the envoy’s tokar appeared there too, also used as a threat.

If he is not a kinslayer, he is the next best thing. [...] What sort of man can stand by idly and watch his own brother being burned alive?

(ADWD, Jon IX)

So Aegon’s death is not going to be a triumphant victory for Dany, after which everyone proclaims her the true queen. It’s likely to just solidify opposition to her, from every corner of Westeros. If it happens during a summit or negotiation, it’d be even more of a tragic parallel to Robb and the Red Wedding; the young king murdered off of the battlefield, at an event where he was promised safe conduct. Featuring Dany in the role of Roose Bolton and Tywin Lannister. Tywin’s already died a very undignified death, and Roose Bolton looks to be on his way too.

I think the tragedy of Aegon’s death would also hit harder if we see it through Jon, as a main POV, or at least the aftermath of it. Jon was integral at the Dragonpit meeting after all, and probably would be at a peace summit or negotiation between the leaders of Westeros and the invading force.

In ASOS, there’s a curious lack of Jon’s reaction to Robb’s death. We see his initial reaction to Bran and Rickon’s supposed deaths when he gets back to Castle Black, but he doesn’t even know about Robb’s death until Stannis arrives to defeat the wildlings, and we’re not shown the moment he’s told about it. He barely even thinks about it, not even a mention until he meets with Stannis on top of the Wall:

“Your brother was the rightful Lord of Winterfell. If he had stayed home and done his duty, instead of crowning himself and riding off to conquer the riverlands, he might be alive today. Be that as it may. You are not Robb, no more than I am Robert.”

The harsh words had blown away whatever sympathy Jon might have had for Stannis. “I loved my brother,” he said.

(ASOS, Jon XI)

And that’s literally all we get that is specifically about Robb’s death - the rest of Jon’s chapters, his guilt and grief is about the loss of all his siblings, and the idea of stealing Winterfell from them. It doesn’t really make sense for him to not think about it at all, considering how close they were. This reminds me of how he has a non-reaction to Sansa’s marriage to Tyrion as well, as talked about in this post by @agentrouka-blog. Part of this could be Jon’s tendency towards denial and suppression of all his feelings, but it also points to GRRM explicitly obscuring his reaction - perhaps because he’s going to explore it in the wake of another brother dying a very similar death? One that this time he’ll be there to witness?

#astra rambles #meta #speculation #half speculation half 'my wildest dreams and hopes'#anti daenerys targaryen #anti jonerys #jon snow #aegon vi targaryen #jon and aegon #anti got #because i do dunk on the show a lot in this lmao #i've spent far too long on this and had to delete five tirades against the show already

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sope-and-shine · 4 years

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You Drive Me Nuts

-> Pairings: Jeongguk x Reader -> Fluff // College!AU -> Word Count: 2.1k -> Summary: With great powers comes great responsibility. And yes, an EpiPen is a responsibility, Jeon Jeongguk. -> Warnings: mild language // responsible use of an EpiPen for an irresponsible reason.

A/N: I have no clue what the process is through anaphylaxis once it gets to the doctors, so I tried my best. I hope you enjoy!

You told him.

You’ve told him on more than one occasion.

You’ve reminded Jeongguk multiple times that it is in no way acceptable for him to eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup when he’s allergic to peanuts! He’s 20yrs old, for Christ sake, you shouldn’t have to remind him what he can and cannot eat! Any sane person would think, ‘Oh no, that’ll make my throat close up and I could die’ and turn the candy offer down.

But no.

Not this idiot.

He’s apparently a psychopath!

You were just studying in the cafe waiting for the other boys to join you before you get your food. No harm in that at all. They were always late cutting across campus, so getting some homework out of the way or a quick study session never hurt. Normal day.

Not a problem.

As soon as they all began to make their appearances, you had put away your working materials so you’d be ready to get something to eat. As soon as they all arrived, it was left to Jeongguk to watch your belongings since he was the last to arrive at the table. Nothing new, it was usually between him, Taehyung, and Namjoon to watch the table. Not only that, but he was more than happy to take a seat at the table. You figured he was tired from running across the campus and just wanted to sit. Nothing to worry about.

You should have worried.

You all left him alone for a total of maybe 15 minutes. 15 minutes to get your food so you could enjoy the rest of your day, 15 minutes so he could sit and watch your belongings, 15 minutes for him to be a regular adult, and apparently 15 minutes for him to contemplate asking the table next to yours for the Reese’s and have it open and in one hand with his EpiPen in the other by the time you got back.

“Jeon Jeongguk! You put that Reese’s cup down and wash your hands right now! Are you crazy?!” Your outburst not only catches his attention, but those around you as well. Multiple eyes are on you including his, but his eyes are staring into yours in fear, contemplation, and partial regret.

Jimin comes up next to you with his own lunch, stopping when he sees the predicament. He sighs, “He cannot be serious.”

It’s almost as if you can see the gears turning in Jeongguk’s head, contemplating if he should make his next move or not. You can see the longing in his eyes, and a part of you already knows what he’s about to do before he does it. He pops the treat into his mouth in one bite, and the look of pure joy and elation tells you this exact situation could - and will - happen again. He shouldn’t look as pleased as he does slamming a needle into his thigh, but his smile is all you need to see.

“Jimin, call an ambulance!” You order, rushing to your friend - soon to be dead friend - and dropping your lunch on the table next to him. A million thoughts are running through your head as you take the seat next to him, watching the stupid bunny smile appear on his face. Your first immediate reaction is to choke him, but he’s about to do that himself. So, instead, you settle for hitting the back of his head. “Are you insane?! What possessed you to do that, you psychopath?!”

“My mom never let me eat them, so I-” He coughs, beginning to feel the effects of his allergy trying to battle the epinephrine. “-I wanted to try one…”

“She didn’t let you eat them because YOU ARE ALLERGIC!” You rage. You’re almost completely dumbfounded by this man’s absolute stupidity. How he made it to college, you could never understand after this. You grab his face in your hands and squish his cheeks together to look into his mouth at the back of his throat. “Any good, sensible mother-! No. Scratch that. Any good, sensible PERSON wouldn’t let you eat one!”

He fights a smile, his face still trapped between your hands, “Worth it.”

As the other boys get back from getting their food, they all begin to close in on what happened with the youngest member of the squad. Namjoon, ever the responsible adult he is, sighs when he catches sight of the used EpiPen and the crumpled Reese’s wrapper next to it. “Jeongguk, what the fuck?”

“What did you do?!” Jin cries, setting his food on the table to take the other side of your ‘patient’. His mother’s intuition kicks in as he takes over your role of nurse, “Are you stupid or something?”

Yoongi takes a seat at the table next to the discarded trays and starts eating, completely unbothered. Shoving a french fry in his mouth, he turns to the rest of the group that is still unsure as to what they should do in the situation. “Make a note, everyone. As soon as he gets out of the hospital, I’m killing him.”

While the others begin to have a seat or discuss the current dilemma, Jeongguk turns to you with seemingly tired eyes full of mischief, “(Y/n)...I can see the light.” His voice has a slight croak to it, and every breath has a slight wheeze.

“Good. Walk into it.” Is your answer petty? Absolutely. But you can't help but glare at him for the stunt he just pulled, especially when he’s trying to hit you with puppy dog eyes. “Don’t pout at me. You deserve this.”

It only takes about 10 more minutes for the ambulance to arrive on campus to pick up the idiot next to you. Which is good, because his breathing was only getting harder and more erratic as you waited with him even after having him lay down to clear his airways a little more. He tried to be cool the entire time they were adjusting him onto the gurney, cracking jokes and flashing the occasional hand sign at Tae’s phone while he took pictures for his Snapchat, but you could tell he was feeling the consequences of his actions when they administered oxygen to him.

After a short ride to the hospital, an hour and a half of sitting in the waiting room of the ER doing homework, and half an hour waiting for Jeongguk to wake up and finish getting scolded by the doctor’s and nurses for his stupid actions, you’re finally left alone with him again on a small couch by the window of his room. His hair isn’t as nicely kept as it was this morning, his street clothes were replaced with a hospital gown at some point during his visit and placed in the bag next to his bed, and his overall appearance just looks completely exhausted. Even so, he looks a lot better than he did at lunch.

“You know, I thought that would go a lot better.” He admits with a chuckle, breaking the silence that was left in your room. A shy smile adorns his face as he plays with the piece of equipment on his finger.

You, however, are not amused, “How did you expect it to go any better, Guk? You are severely allergic to peanuts.”

He sighs, “I meant as far as the embarrassment.”

“Oh, you mean a 20 year old man getting scolded by 40 year old doctors and nurses for eating a peanut butter cup because you were never allowed to have them? Did you think you would just magically not be allergic?” You ask, genuinely interested to hear what his excuse was. In your opinion, there was no excuse. What he did was stupid and wreckless, and you have half a mind to beat the crap out of him for the stunt he pulled. Who did he think he was to scare you like that?

“It can happen…” He shrugs. It was more than obvious that he really didn’t think much of his actions, and that annoyed you more than anything.

“Jeongguk.”

He doesn’t move. He just continues staring at the equipment attached to him as if you weren’t in the room. His childish ignorance was hitting your last nerve at this point. You couldn’t stop yourself from standing up and crossing to his bed.

“Look at me.” You demand. You wait for him to raise his head, giving you a clear view of the frown on his face. You ignore how he looks at you in favor of grabbing onto his face. He had to know you were serious, and he wasn’t going to back out of this. “Don’t you ever do something that could literally kill you in minutes ever again. Do you understand me? I’m not playing with you. You scared the shit out of me!”

“I won’t, I promise.” You hear him loud and clear, you watch him nod and smile in affirmation, but you can’t help but feel helpless. You could’ve stopped him if you’d moved faster, then you could’ve beaten the sense into him before he ended up in the hospital. But here he was, almost 3 hours later with an IV and a drip running into him. The anger that’s been festering all day has finally settled within you, and you feel the tears welling up before you can pull yourself back together.

This of course sets Jeongguk into panic when he sees the glistening of your eyes staring into his own. “Hey! Why are you crying?! Our friendship handbook didn’t mention crying!” He couldn’t handle himself crying, let alone another human being crying at him. In an attempt to soothe you, he places his hands over yours as they rest on his cheeks, rubbing small circles into your skin.

You look away from him, hiding your face before the tears can really start to fall, “It’s in the fine print asshole.”

“Well, why are you crying if I’m okay?” He asks. You refuse to look at him, not wanting to look at him after all the pain he’s caused you thus far, but he wasn’t about to let you cry without knowing what’s really wrong with you. He releases your hands from his and lets them fall while he moves into a different position, getting close enough to you so he can take your face in between his hands like you’d done to him - granted, yours was a lot more harsh than his. He turns your head so he can look at you, waiting until your eyes finally meet his before he smiles, “Hey, you can tell me what’s wrong.”

You can’t help but let the tears fall with the way he looks at you, “You just looked so beaten up and pale, and your breathing just kept getting worse as we waited, and-” You choke back a sob, “-I don’t want to lose you, okay?”

“You’re not going to lose me.” He coos, stroking your cheeks softly with his thumbs. He’d never intended to hurt you this way. He honestly didn’t think that far ahead. He had an idea, he executed a plan he thought would work, and he got to taste a peanut butter cup while living to see another day. It’s only now that he really thinks about what he’s done today. Neither you or the boys have ever seen him like that before, and to someone who’s never experienced it before, it can be really scary. He sees it now that you’re in front of him crying instead of yelling at him. “I swear on my life that I will never do it again.”

‘He wouldn’t do it again?’ You think. Sure he won’t. You scoff, “Easy for you to say. One wrong move and you die before I get my hands on you.” You move to pull his hands off of your face, but he takes your hands in his instead, pulling you to sit on the bed next to him. You’re too surprised to say anything, letting out a small squeak from the sudden movement instead. The two of you just sit and stare at one another before he finally lifts his right hand from yours to hold his pinky towards you, “I promise.”

Staring at the hand with an IV poking out and a heart monitor attached to his pointer finger, you know in the very back of your mind that this will probably happen again whether he intends to or not. But you don’t think you’ve seen him this serious before. At least for now, you can take his pinky in your own and accept his promise to make both of you feel better.

“You drive me crazy, you know?” You ask, wiping at some of your remaining tears with your free hand.

“Don’t you mean I drive you nuts?”

#fae fic #bts #bts x reader #bts x y/n #bts x oc #jeongguk #jeon jeongguk #jeongguk x reader #jungkook x reader #jeon jeongguk x reader #jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook #y/n #oc #reader insert #fanfiction #bts fanfiction #college au #allergies

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ilytuan · 5 years

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Warmth 「yugyeom」

genre › fluff ︱ domestic boyfriend!au

pairing › reader ︱ yugyeom

word count › 2,034

warning › none

synopsis › #NoOneElseButYugyeomDay

Yugyeom rubbed his tired eyes, trying to rid any traces of sleep from his face that was unwashed and long due for a shave. He blinked at your message, wondering if there was any hidden meaning behind it. Was today a special day?

He scratched his already dishevelled hair, messing it up further as he tried to think of any important dates or anniversaries with you. None. He brushed it off, maybe you just had innocent intentions and missed him? The more he thought about it, he realised he missed you too and he tried to remember when the last time he saw you was. A month ago? Or maybe even longer.

The message you sent him asking to go on a date had come from nowhere, and Yugyeom knew you were away on a trip with your friends from college at the moment, so he wondered where you found the time to be able to hang out with him. Even though you were dating, you almost never spent much time out on dates. There weren’t many chances for you two to hang out, so he wasn’t going to turn down the date by any means, but he was slightly sceptical of what you had planned. The fact that it was his birthday completely slipped his mind as he began to make himself presentable enough to go out.

A message tone broke his train of thought while he was brushing his teeth. He ignored it, figuring it was one of the members trying to bother him or ask him for a ride somewhere, but then another one came. And another. Until he finally grew frustrated and picked up his phone, ready to snap at whoever it was. He was just trying to brush his teeth peacefully.

It really was the members. What a coincidence, he thought as he rolled his eyes. Messages were flowing in rapidly and Yugyeom struggled to read them, since they were flying past his eyes right as he caught sight of them. They were spamming and screaming, exclamation marks and emojis being the only thing he caught sight of. None of it made sense to him, almost like they were talking gibberish, so he switched his phone off completely and continued brushing his teeth to get ready to see you. Today was for you and him only. Whatever the occasion.

Yugyeom drove his sleek, black car out to the nearby park where you were already waiting for him. The chilly air resulted in a large scarf being wrapped around you and winter coat over your outfit. You were wearing a skirt with thigh high socks though, obviously not cold enough to make you dress in anything else and when you had gotten a touch of the cold air on your way out, you wanted to run back in and change but Yugyeom had told you that he was already on his way, so you didn’t want to keep him waiting. The coat would have to do, you decided.

You were almost completely covered up, minus your shivering legs and your face which was barely visible behind all of the layers. Yugyeom would’ve completely missed you had it not been for the cute little wave you gave him. He would never miss your cute ministrations. It was how he met you in the first place, all those years ago in this exact park when he saw you feeding a squirrel and tending to a bird who’s wing had been damaged.

He quickly turned on the heater, warming up the car for you before you got in. Yugyeom was thick skinned and rarely got cold so he was only wearing a light jacket, but he knew you were easily affected by the cold weather hence your current get up. You blew warm air onto your hands, smoke puffing out around them, before you reached for the door handle. The tip of your nose and cheeks were tinted red, how cute, he thought.

When you were comfortably seated and with your seatbelt fastened, Yugyeom grasped one your cold hands and placed it on his lap, driving away from the park and off into the city while you gave him directions to the bakery. “Did you wait long?” He asked you when you were waiting for the traffic light to signal go.

You shook your head, removing the scarf from around your neck because it was getting warmer in the car thanks to Yugyeom’s blasting heater. If not for him, you’d be completely frozen by now. “I was in the neighbourhood.” He seemed to be puzzled by the fact, but it didn’t surprise you.

The trip away with college friends wasn’t a complete lie. You had planned to go, and you did. For the first day. But after you took a dip in the nearby lake for a dare, you had fallen ill and spent the day getting an IV drip at the hospital for early symptoms of hypothermia. Fun.

Then you spent the next day wrapped up in blankets, with hot tea around the fire, as recommended by the doctor, and tried to come up with a plan for Yugyeom’s birthday. It had been awhile since you spent time with him, so you wanted it to be special. You could have told him, but it was useless as he would only worry and fuss over you. He was busy enough.

You actually lived quite a distance away from Yugyeom too, which was part of the reason why dates were rare and probably why he was being sceptical about your meeting place, but he’d find out in no time with the day you had in store for him. It wasn’t a lie that you were in the neighbourhood, but it was a surprise, so you kept your mouth closed and gave him no hints.

“So, birthday boy. Anyone spoil you with gifts and love yet, or am I the first?” He gave you a quizzical look and you laughed at the sight of pure confusion that was painted on his face, his eyebrows furrowed together, trying to piece it all together.

His face stilled and paled as he remembered the messages from the members. He was going to get his ass bet as soon as they see him tomorrow. They were birthday wishes to him and more than likely offers to go out to eat together and also the reason why you were going out with him today. He slammed his head on the steering wheel when he rolled to a stop at a red light, groaning in pain afterwards and rubbing his forehead. The members were going to think he was being bratty and ignoring them. He was literally doomed.

You giggled quietly to yourself, knowing the antics of his members very well. Jinyoung and Jaebum especially since they frequently volunteered at the veterinary where you worked. It was near the park but quite the commute to your house as you lived in a suburban area.

The way they treated and took care of all the animals were quite the contrast to how they treated Yugyeom, but you could still feel a sense of love behind their actions. And it was unbelievably funny whenever they made fun of him. He was teased relentlessly when he first brought you to meet them, and they never let him live down the fact that he split the entire dish of spaghetti because you laughed at his mismatched socks. That was funny.

“Y/n! How stupid am I? I forgot my own birthday! Of all days!” He groaned again, repeating the same stupid mistake from earlier and slamming his forehead down on the steering wheel. He whined in pain and you rubbed the red spot soothingly, still giggling at him.

When you arrived at the destination, Yugyeom scrambled to turn his phone on and check all their 320 messages. He was dead meat.

‘Yah, you punk. You’re ignoring us?’ was sent from Jackson, along with multiple other angry face emojis of him exclaiming he won’t ever buy meat for him again. Always the dramatic one.

‘We practically raised you, and you dare ignore us on your birthday? We ought to slap some sense into you, brat.’ Obviously came from Jinyoung. Yugyeom quickly shot them a sheepish smile emoji and switched off his phone, not wanting to read the influx of texts that would surely come in the next few seconds, no doubt telling him off again.

He pulled you out of the car, momentarily forgetting about the cold weather and making you scramble to put the scarf back on. It was absolutely freezing today. The skirt was such a bad idea and making Yugyeom wait a few extra minutes wouldn’t have been a big deal when he would be in his warm car the whole time anyway. You were literally making yourself sick all over again. Guess both of you were quite the fools today. What a pair.

You swung his hand in yours, trying to take his mind off it all and just have a good day. His hand kept yours warm too. It always baffled you how he never got cold.

Popping into the bakery, you quickly picked up the cake you had ordered and grabbed Yugyeom’s hand again, making your way to the train station. Out of nowhere, rain started to pour and Yugyeom’s grasp on your hand tightened, beginning to run with you in tow to a place with shelter. The heels and skirt you wore slowed both of you down drastically, and by the time you reached shelter, you were almost completely soaked from head to toe and you felt even colder than before. How is that even possible?

Shaking like a leaf, Yugyeom removed his jacket and draped it over your shoulders, “stay here, I’ll go get an umbrella from the car.” You refused to be left alone though, so you both stayed under the flimsy plastic roof instead, waiting for the rain to pass. But just to your luck, gusts of wind were added instead of it stopping and Yugyeom sighed exasperatedly. He was only wearing a shirt. His birthday was not going well so far.

“I know you have a lot planned, but how nice does cuddling and movie sound?” He turned to look at you, concern in his eyes at your shivering state. He probably would have dragged you home even if you refused at this rate. His offer did sound tempting though; a warm bath and cuddles was just what you needed right now. “You have a bath, right?” When he gave you confirmation, you took a deep breath and grabbed his hand, running in the direction you had just come from. So much for a perfect day out together.

Snuggling up to Yugyeom’s side, you sighed in relief when your shivering finally subsided. The bath had soothed your nerves and pushed the hypothermia away, thankfully. You figured the Gods didn’t hate you so much as to completely ruin your day. Yugyeom wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his lap and letting you cuddle into his warm chest.

Your date may have been ruined, but you would much rather be warm and happy in Yugyeom’s arms, than cold and grumpy in nature’s wrath. And at least you still had a cake to munch on together. It wasn’t too bad and both of you were content with being like this. As long as you were together, what you were doing didn’t matter much. But you did feel sorry for not doing something more special for his birthday. Yugyeom didn’t let you dwell on it for long though, blowing out the candles on the cake and making a wish.

It wasn’t much but being with you made Yugyeom happier than anything else could. He had you in his arms, warmth and happiness surrounding the two of you as the movie played in the background and tasting the sweet cake on his tongue. Yugyeom decided simplicity was best and curled up into the bed, taking you with him. This was all he truly needed to feel happy and he couldn’t wait to spend another year with you like this.

#yugyeom #got7 #got7creators #kwritersworldnet #thekpopnetwork #NoOneElseButYugyeomDay #yugyeom scenarios #yugyeom fluff #yugyeom fanfic #kim yugyeom #got7 scenarios #got7 fanfic #got7 fluff #got7 yugyeom #lovelovelove

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nottodaylogic · 5 years

Text

light.

Summary: EVEN MORE OF THE GAY LOGINCE! With a special question bECAUSE @shootingace / @ohbytheangel and I have NO. SELF. CONTROL. WHATSOEVER. Based on a post by @today-only-happens-once and dedicated, once more, to @sanders-sides-thuri :)

Pairing: Logince

A/N: Takes place after sun., part 3/3 of the Logince Fluff series, written, again, with @shootingace :) this is the last part, super fun (and frustrating since I’ve never been to Olive Garden) to write!

@hghrules @becca-becky @tinysidestrashcaptain

Hope y’all like it! :D

The tile in one pocket and the box in the other seemed to almost, nonsensically, burn as Logan walked. They’d talked over this topic before, multiple times, so there was no logical reason to be nervous.

And yet.

“Date night?” he asked his boyfriend, kissing him on the cheek. Roman startled, accidentally mutilating the word he was typing. He just looked at it, betrayed. “I’ve prepared some activities,” Logan murmured.

Roman looked very excited. “Ooh, activities! I like activities!”

“I like you.”

Roman flushed, deep and red. “Aren’t you sappy today. What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. I was simply stating a fact.” He hummed, extending his arm. “I have made reservations. Shall we leave?”

“Hold on, just let me finish this sentence.”

This meant “let me finish this scene because I have no self control and must write a lot even though there are other priorities.”

“Of course.” Logan dropped a kiss to Roman’s head and walked away swiftly to get his coat.

Ten minutes later, as he expected, Roman staggered in, haphazardly yanking his jacket on. Logan looked at his watch.

“Precisely on time.” He opened the door. “Come. Our destination awaits.”

“Where are we going?” Roman asked mischievously.

“You shall see.”

“Tell me? Pleeeeeease?”

Logan smirked, leaning in and pressing a short kiss to Roman’s lips. “Will that satisfy you for the time being?”

“Mmmm, I don’t think so.” Roman tugged Logan closer, kissing him deeply. He set his hand on the small of Logan’s back, like he was about to dip him, making Logan go breathless.

“Now will you tell?” Roman asked, pulling back.

“It’s a surprise,” Logan breathed, though he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it a surprise if Roman insisted on making him fall even more in love.

Roman leaned in and whispered, “rude.” He then dropped him.

Logan scrambled to his feet, thankful for his 18 Dexterity. “Hey. We don’t have to go on the date if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to! It’s incredibly romantic, my dear. Surprises are exciting yet it’s so hard to wait!”

“As Virgil would say, ‘because you are an impatient baby’.” Logan guestuted forward, towards the car. “After you.”

—

Logan pulled into the parking lot. There weren’t many decent spots, but he managed to grab one.

Roman turned to him excitedly, seeing their destination. “Ooh, Olive Garden?”

“I come prepared to woo the server into giving us extra breadsticks to take home.”

“You’re the best.”

Logan blushed softly. “Thank you. Now, our reservation awaits us.”

They entered the restaurant and were seated right away, thanks to Logan planning ahead and making a reservation.

“Your server will be right with you,” the host said, showing them to their table.

Roman pulled out Logan’s chair dramatically. “Monsieur, your chair?”

Logan rolled his eyes. He sat down, pushing out Roman’s chair with his foot. “There. Now we are even.”

“You’re a nerd,” Roman said fondly.

Logan inhaled, ready to refute this claim, but instead said only: “I know.”

“Wow. And you say I have an ego.”

“It is true, why are you pointing that out?” Logan was confused and a bit flustered by how sweet Roman was being.

Roman snorted. “You’re adorable.”

“No, I am very serious. I am not adorable. Patton is the adorable one.”

“That’s true, but it doesn’t mean you’re not adorable.”

That’s when a server came up to their table, preventing Logan from protesting more. “Hey, I’m Remy, can I get you anything to get started?” He set a menu in front of the couple.

“Breadsticks,” Roman said, at the same time Logan said, “water, please.”

“Of course. Some waters and a basket of breadsticks?”

They nodded and Remy left. The two chatted about movies that they hoped to watch, the drama that Logan heard from his students, how Roman’s characters were behaving.

“I try to get them to do something! And usually, they’re pretty good with cooperating. Just, these past few days, they just… won’t.”

“Can’t you simply… make them do it?”

Roman made distressed noises. “But I can’t! It feels weird then, and out of character! Okay, okay, enough about my distress. Spill the tea that you hear from your students.”

“Alright.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “You will not believe what Lizzie told me Justin K. did…”

Roman clapped excitedly. “Ooh, that idiot Justin! What did he do this time?”

“Well…”

Logan told him, Roman’s grin growing, becoming more and more mischievous.

“So let me get this gay. He told this teacher, who was literally eight months pregnant, that he didn’t think women needed a maternity leave?”

“Mhm.”

“Has he ever been pregnant? Or given birth?”

Logan laughed. He loved Roman so, so, much. “Not that I know of.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I know that teachers aren’t supposed to have favorites, but Justin is definitely on my ‘not a favorite’ list. Not that I have any such thing.”

“You know, I think we’re supposed to be deciding what to order right now,” Roman mentioned.

“As if you don’t get the same exact thing every time we come here.”

“You got me there.”

“That’s a meme.”

“You got me there.”

Logan stifled a laugh. “I love you.”

Roman smiled. “Love you too.”

That’s when Remy came back to take their orders. Roman ordered spaghetti and tomato soup. Logan ordered lasagna and a Greek salad. A chat and two baskets of breadsticks later, their dinner had arrived.

Logan ate his lasagna and laughed at Roman’s jokes, but the weight in his pocket—why did he bring the ring, it might get lost, he didn’t need it, this is illogical—was very present in his mind.

And worse was the nagging thought that Roman might say no. Of course, they had talked about marriage, but you could never be completely sure of an outcome.

“Something on your mind?” Roman asked, his foot brushing Logan’s.

Logan smiled. “You.”

Roman laughed. “You’re so sweet. It’s great.”

And with those words, that laugh, Logan felt himself drawn back into the moment, the fears of a future yes or no gone for the time being.

—

When they returned back home, Logan brought out the scrabble board.

Roman raised an eyebrow. “Not even gonna ask me if I wanna play this?”

“You’ve been bringing up how you want to play Scrabble for ten days now.”

“True.”

They set it up, Logan allowed his boyfriend to pick the starting word (LADDER) (“what? It’s the only thing I can do!”), and the game began.

“Your turn,” Roman said, gesturing to the board.

Logan set down the letters R, O, M, A, and N.

“Hey, no! That doesn’t count, it’s a proper noun!”

“I’ve let you get away with many proper nouns over the years. Cut me some slack.” Logan sat back, gesturing to the board. “You go.”

Roman put down O, P, and E to write NOPE.

Logan tried not to take this as a bad omen.

He then added L, O, V to the E in NOPE, making it LOVE.

“Awww, you sap,” Roman teased, swooning. “That’s so sweet.”

They continued playing, Logan adding FOREVER and DEDICATION to Roman’s words (OCEAN and DISBELIEF)

“Is something amiss?” Roman felt his forehead, looking overly concerned for the comedic effect. “You seem to be exceedingly sentimental today.”

Logan brushed this off with a, “It was simply what I could make with my letters and the board.”

Roman eyed him curiously, but dropped the topic. “Your turn.”

Logan wordlessly set down his piece, putting it right next to ROMAN, so that it read ROMAN, will you marry me?

Roman started to protest about how “that’s not in the rules of the game, Logan!”, but then he stopped, obviously having read the piece.

His eyes snapped up, meeting Logan’s.

“You… you… Logan.” It seemed he couldn’t say anything more.

Logan slid out his chair, dropping to one knee, holding the box with the ring in front of him. “Marry me, Roman Princeton?”

“Lo… Logan, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.” And then he was out of his chair, too, stumbling towards Logan. He leaned down, taking Logan’s face in his hands, kissing him softly. “Yes, yes, of course, yes.”

Logan let Roman pull him to his feet, his arms around Roman’s waist, holding him tight. “Roman. I love you. I love every moment we’ve spent together. I treasure every memory I share with you. And I’d like to make more memories with you. For the rest of forever.”

Roman nodded, pressing his his forehead to Logan’s shoulder. “Yes,” he choked out.

“Hey, Ro, don’t cry,” Logan whispered, rubbing Roman’s crisp, clean shirt between his fingers. “Don’t cry.”

But he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t crying a little too.

Because finally, finally, he would be marrying the love of his life.

Because… because he just loved Roman so much, loved him so much that sometimes he didn’t know what to do with all the feelings.

Because Roman was going to be his, his, forever and ever and ever.

“I love you so damn much, Roman.”

“I love you too.” Roman pulled back slightly, holding his hand out. “You going to… you going to actually put that ring on me?”

Logan laughed softly and slid the ring onto Roman’s finger, then pull Roman’s hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it. “I love you. I love you so much, Ro.”

“I know.”

Logan laughed, pulling Roman close and kissing him. “You're wonderful, Princey.”

“Mmm, I know.” Logan stared at Roman, deadpan. “Just kidding, you are too.” Roman nudged Logan’s chin with his nose then kissed his cheek. “Love you. So freaking much.”

“Dance with me?” Logan asked, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could really process what he was asking.

“Where’s the music?”

Logan tilted his head. “Sing?”

Roman snorted. “Well, we need some sort of background music, Lo. I can’t sing if I’m gonna kiss you, and I’d very much like to kiss you.”

Logan blushed, his breath catching in his chest.

“C’mon, babe,” Roman said. “Music.”

So Logan grabbed his phone, pulling up the “romantic songs for my nerd” playlist Roman had made for him.

On came As Long As You’re Mine from Wicked, and Logan pulled Roman close.

They danced and twirled and laughed together, Logan falling more and more in love. Roman was so beautiful, so loving, and Logan got to spend the rest of his live with him.

“I love you, Roman.”

“Yeah?” Roman whispered.

“Yeah.”

“Prove it.”

So Logan twirled Roman, then pulled him back, dipping him and kissing him softly.

Roman let out a soft gasp. “I love you so much,” he murmured, tangling his fingers in Logan’s hair.

“Love you too.”

—

Later, they lay on the bed together, staring at the ceiling, tired, content.

Roman curled up on Logan’s chest, so beautifully exhausted. “How long were you planning to propose?”

Logan thought for a moment. “A little while.”

“How long did you know you wanted to marry me?”

Running his hands through his fiancé’s hair, he responded, “Forever, probably. I just—I never imagined my future without you. And then a few weeks ago I realized that why not get married?”

Roman seemed to think this through for a moment when he asked, “Why me?”

The question took Logan by surprise. “Why you what?”

Roman looked directly into Logan’s eyes. The expression there was raw, unable to be described. “Why did you want to marry me?”

Because you’re the only person I’d ever want to marry. Because you’re the only person I’d ever want. Because you’re stellar. Because you’re funny and sweet and dramatic and unique and loving and thoughtful and romantic. Because despite loving you, I can’t find the vocabulary to express all of this. “Because I love you.”

“Aww, Lo.” Roman reached up, kissing Logan softly. “Now we get to plan a wedding.”

“But first we should go to bed.”

Roman’s eyebrows raised as he smirked, and Logan only slightly regretted his phrasing. “As you wish.”

Logan blushed, but nobody could prove it, so what did it matter?

—

Logan woke first in the morning, a stream of light illuminating the room. He glanced down at Roman, snoring, the ring on his finger shining.

And Logan knew that they would get to spend the rest of their lives like this.

#sanders sides #logan sanders #roman sanders #logince #romantic logince #Logince fluff series #ajdkdkfhjs I love them aaahh #sabine writes #Sabine Creates #writing with friends

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boy-porridge-vent · 5 years

Text

september 10 2019

god i cant take it anymore Im so tired of everything

having traumatic memories flow back through my head every fucking night??? Im fucking tired of it. I cant sleep anymore because either I go to bed crying & miserable, or I get no sleep/a couple hours each night so I dont have enough time to dream. Recently, every time Ive had a dream, it’s involved my ex & how she treated me. Every fucking night. I literally can’t sleep without crying & freaking out/self harming because I get scared of what repressed memory is going to reemerge in my dreams this time

Ive tried to block so many things, it’s been years, but every night for nearly 2 weeks anytime I sleep I dream of her, her calling me names, the things she would say to me, when she would get physical, her sexual assault against me. I can’t fucking do it anymore

Im so exhausted, Ive only gotten about a total of 8 hours total over the past 3 nights because either I cant sleep from being scared, or because I force myself to stay up.

she’s fucking ruined me, she abused me, I was used, yet all these years later, Im the one that continues to suffer from the thoughts and words she forced forever into my mind, while she got away completely scot free with no consequences, so she still continues to harm and manipulate people to this day because she got away with it when it came to me.

I feel like it’s all my fault and I should be the one trying to stop her, but I have no control, Im legally not allowed to have any contact with her. Im seen as the bad guy. Why? Because I reached out for help one too many times and the school thought it was annoying & clingy. They thought I was obsessive over her.

It’s not obsession. It’s called fucking trauma. It’s called being emotionally unstable because of abuse that I was never able to properly heal from. I was forced to move on quick and pretend it never happened so I could move on with my life, and in that period of my life I had no time to properly think over everything and heal, I had nobody to professionally talk to. Ive been denied therapy by the school and by my parents because they think therapists are ridiculous, that I don’t need one.

Im sorry, but I genuinely do think Im going to end up killing myself in the next 2 years, maybe even within a year if shit keeps spiraling downward like it has been. I need help. Im not trying to self diagnose here, but it almost feels like I have ptsd or something because I cant stop thinking about what she did.

Im not obsessed, I would know if I was. I dont think about her as in I miss her/want her back; no, not at all, I wish she wasn’t around anymore. I think of her everyday, multiple times a day, cry over her every night & stay up wide awake in fear because of her almost every night because of what she did to me. This is every fucking day. Every fucking night. I can’t get her out of my head. The same horrible experiences & verbal blows come back to me every day, and I can’t make it stop. Once it pops into my head, it’s there for hours, and it weighs me down severely.

I want to get better. Im tired of relapsing into my eating disorder over and over. I relapsed into it while I was dating her because of how miserable and emotionally strained I was, I relapsed after we broke up, and I relapsed again a few weeks ago ever since the memories & nightmares started flooding into my mind much at a greater extent than ever before.

Im tired of relapsing into cutting. I started cutting only 8 months into our relationship because I had nobody to talk to, nothing was getting better, I felt helpless. I relapsed over and over the next couple years, it became an addiction, and now it’s becoming almost deadly. I relapsed in August when these memories started to pop up again and now everytime I get an urge when she comes into my mind, I go deeper and deeper. Im so tired of all this.

I want to remember what she did to me so I can grow from the experience & help others who may go through similar situations since I have a large understanding of these types of abusive people;

but I also want to erase all memories I have of her. Everything. Even hearing her name or hearing certain words makes me think of specific situations in time & makes me have to leave class or put in earbuds to drown out any noise to try and distract myself. She’s ruined me, and it hurts even more knowing that she’s still doing this shit to other people, and getting away with it. She gets away with it because I’ve been told by my school that I need to keep my mouth shut & never talk about her. If someone is her friend or she talks to people, I have to stay away and just let it go. Meaning she could have another victim right now, someone exactly like me, who’s vulnerable & overly trusting, thinking she’ll be a good friend, and they’ll end up being hurt, insulted, used, treated like absolute fucking shit and they may start to self harm or contemplate suicide because of how negatively it effected them, just like it’s effected me. And that. Fucking. Horrifies me.

Knowing someone else could be in my exact position because of her is one of my worst fears. I dont steal her friends, but rather they usually come to me after a few months. Why do they come to me? Because they see her true side & are smart enough to get away while they still can, because she’s told everyone she could about how she thinks Im the bad guy because I came out about my abuse, so logically when they see her true abusive nature, they come to me to see if I really am what she’s described me as, or if it was all just lies, just like her supposed goodie-two shoes mask was all a lie to cover up her true deceiving manipulative personality.

I can only look forward to the day when she leaves this town and has nothing left, or the day when finally the consequences finally come around and ruin everything she has, so she feels the torture and suffering Ive silently been going through for 5 fucking years. Im not religious, but I pray God have the tiniest bit of mercy left on her fucking soul when her time comes around, because she’s going to need a miracle to get into any kind of heaven with the things she’s done to the dozens of people she hurt.

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moonhottie · 4 years

Text

journaling this bc its BIG news and im already forgetting most of it a day later. i went out and partied w my cousin on her boat for the 4th of july and had my first kiss!! we started drinking at noon and after finishing one drink we went to find her guy friends boat. his boy had just recently added me on snap and followed on insta after swiping up on my cousins story of me but never hit me up. we went through the water on a far search for the boys boat (this is during the corona virus pandemic and holy hell wtf literally there were thousands of boats and tens of thouands of people, mostly all avid trump supporters (obvi, and gross!!) but also seeing that many people was shocking to me and yet so exciting bc ive been cautious and not been around many people and i just missed the possibility of so much potential drama) and we had almost given up before spotting them on our way back to her boat. i see the boy who added me while still in the water, my cousin was already talking to him on the boat (i assume about me) and he called out my name, then gave a little wave and smile. im not sure how long he watched me but i hope not long bc i prob looked very stupid trying to get on the boat and had already slipped and fell on multiple boats. my cousins and i went off and met/mingled with a few people before i sat on the empty drivers seat/two person couch while talking to my cousin. i didnt think we had been on the boat that long but my cousin had already complained to me that he was being fuckin weird for not coming over and talking to me and that she thought the reason was bc he was scared id reject him bc hes self consious. anyway, so sitting on the chair the boy then came over and sat next to me, though he, as a person, is timid. im not sure at what point but my cousin pulled him aside a few times to tell him to go for it w me (i think it was before he came over to me bc we had already asked for and recieved another drink from his cooler). i was very drunk (white claws and jello shots, u kno) so i dont remember much of my conversations but i know that at least the three of us were having a convo and it felt a little awkward bc i could tell he wanted to try to touch me (like arm around the shoulder and other innocent touch) and he was def giving me insane eye contact but after a while he left and i didnt know when hed be back. it was just a min tho (my drunk ass) and he was right behind me the whole time. he came back w another drink for me as i was finishing another and i was like omg for me???? thank you so much!! again im not 100% sure of the order of events to this story but then i believe my cousin then told me i had mascara on my eyelid (not sure if i actually did or if it was just a clever plan of hers) and i wiped it once before i asked if i got it and she told us to have him get it. i looked at him and was like did i get it? and he just said “you look as beautiful as ever” and i was just like ppftttt thank you (mind you this is also the first time weve seen/met each other so i was confused bc?? i felt like that was the first time he saw me so he didnt have much to compare it to but also super sweet bc then i felt like he thought i couldnt ever look bad) but then i was like?? did i get it tho?? we had more conversation and he started to touch me (i think??) a little and he put his arm around me and like complimented and marked his territory of me through the convo and touch. i completely forget the convos but eventually my cousin left us and we were just sitting there bein kinda flirty and he tells me (this i think is a little weird bc my cousin and him were talking at one point and she still kinda has a thing for him and i feel like by one of the compliments he gave me was also kinda putting her down?? i think shes super pretty tho and i dont think he meant it in a mean way). im not sure if its bc he was drunk or nervous but he told me that whenever my cousin would post me hed been sliding up and bein like “thats my girl” and then (this is the compliment i was talking about, though i dont remember the exact wording)

#first kiss #7.04.20

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pokefanbri · 4 years

Text

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

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entropysyarn · 6 years

Text

Sleepless and lonely.

Late nights, early mornings, and an inability to fsking sleep. I got some new yarns recently. Lots of soft, fluffy delicate textures I'm looking forward to rolling, similar colours, and multiples of the same colours. Tentative weekend plans! I'm laying in bed, staring at my ceiling, phone, and hands, admiring one thumb, because, frankly, its the nicest nail I've ever had, professional manicures notwithstanding, and I just... I'm still so tired. I'm trying to make it all work. Bills, pets, hobbies, sleep, work, friends, relationship, and I feel like all the balls ive got floating around are all gonna sink, or float away because I'm just barely treading water. Someone told me today, that what I'm feeling, and how I'm feeling are legitimate, and that its ok to feel the way I do. They didnt push the way i felt aside, or minimise it, though, they were relentlessly positive. I'm still moving forward, even if I perceive myself to be weighted down by all the things I think are failures, and thats ok too. At least I tried. They were proud of me for even looking for a second job, much less applying for one. But, I kind of feel like I shouldn't need a second job, that I should have chosen better with the first job I've had here. Ive worked for almost a full year, come September, and, I'm still down to about 1.85$usd before every paycheck comes. I save, clearly, because emergencies sneak up on you and blindside you on a Tuesday out of the blue, but... It still doesn't feel like its enough. I'm worried, because I'm going to miss out on a lot of my sons life, just trying to keep a roof overhead.

I worry a lot about my cats. One keeps trying to eat plastic, and coughing when he does get into the trash, im scared my lil black melon cat is going to resent me bc I keep shutting her out of the bathroom when I go, and I'm not home enough to play, and i dont have the energy to play, properly, with any of them, and my other cat barely comes out of the closet to get petted, and im worried shes not getting enough food bc of the fat garbage kitty who likes to eat plastic. Theyre not shedding much, but, it may be bc I brushed them 2 days ago. I want to get them a new water fountain and a new tower, maybe another lil hidey spot I can put in the closet for my hide-a-cat. None of these cats will lay and just snuggle with me like I want. Just another reminder, I guess, that if I had the ability to share immortality with anyone, I would have shared it with my previous cat. You know, getting another pet, was sold to me as a sort of cure for the loss of a pet, but, I dont think ive really processed his loss yet. I spent, like half my current life with him, and he was my best friend, and most treasured person, and I miss him, every day. Maybe i just need to set down, with some tea, a box of good tissues, and a soft blanket and a nicer pillow, and just have a good cry and let it all out. God theres so much to let out tho.

Id much rather sleep than cry. At least when im asleep, sometimes I have interesting dreams. Most of those dreams make me wildly unhappy when I wake up, because I think, my brain is trying to create a feeling I dont really get when I'm awake, but when I'm asleep, I'm happy. Like, peacefully, warmly content. I smile more in my dreams than I do while awake. I dont know how I'm going to fit sleep in if I get a second job. Thats honestly like, top 3 concerns. My kid, sleep, and, would be able to keep that job long enough to make it out of grunt/drone status? I dont like feeling like I'm not good enough at my job that id get fired at any minute. 90% of the jobs I can get are at will employment. Meaning they dont need a reason, not really, to fire me. I'm scared my managers think I'm annoying, because the big manager, seems to be frustrated with me a lot, and i cant figute out if its because I'm obnoxious, or its because I cant live up to the impossible standards corporate sets, even though I'm literally running through the store like my ass is on fire, taking care of a half dozen things, all at once. I want to do a good job, at my job, because, I honestly like what I do. Its interesting, just enough variety I'm not likely to be truly bored, and just enough stability that if i wanted, I could literally work in the same store, doing the same thing, for the next decade. But, I dont want to do the exact same thing for the foreseeable future. I mean, yeah I don't wanna quit, and id like to move up to management, but, yet again, feeling like a failure creeps in, and smacks me upside the head and yells "if you cant do this, what the shit makes you thing you could do management???" Several people tho, at work, have told me, they would like me to be management, because they think id be good at it. I might. I can handle a lotta shit, all at once, ive had to figure out how to manage 15 things at the same time because, wouldnt you know it, thats how my brain operates. Still cant find the tab with the music on though, id really like to change the song.

Wow, ive been typing for a solid half hour. I think, thats enough word vomit into the void. I'm kind of tired after all that. No resolution yet, because, you cant really resolve anything at like 3 am. But, I will take my friends suggestion, and keep going, making note of where ive been, and trying, really, really hard to keep where id like to be, in mind.

#tldr #tldr i know #word vomit #insomnia #writing #journal #journey #late night writing #late night #night time thoughts #thoughts #feelings #depression #depression journey #struggle #mental health #mental disorder #internal screaming

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