#SO MANY THOGUTHS ABOUT THIS!!

[what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me]

My brain keeps on lingering over various bits of world building for my sci-fi Kirby au. My previous post might be helpful for context.

The idea of starships so advanced that they can talk to you is fascinating, no?

The old Halcandran language is still spoken on the planet today by small groups. They claim to be descendants of ancient Halcandrans, and with their cooperation, the old language had been translated with accuracy.

“Lor” translates to paradise.

The Paradise Starcutter.

The Lor Starcutter is a paradise, according to the few remaining records talking about the starship. But is it? Other scholars argue that the records of Starcutter ships are meant to be interpreted differently, that they take you to a paradise. This topic has become something of a debate ever since the ruins of Halcandra have become a popular point of interest.

But only the ruins of Halcandra.

There is still life on the planet. New societies have risen in the ashes of the old, many aliens have descended from the stars and found a home amongst volcanoes. The planet is remarkably peaceful compared to others, with a emphasis on technological progress and the pursuit of knowledge. If you didn’t mind the hot weather and storms of ash that can block the sun for months, Halcandra is a nice planet to live on.

This is largely ignored.

Visitors are sparsely receptive to the idea of staying in one of the modern cities, and many are ignorant to Halcandra being more than its ruins and legends.

This galaxy and the people who inhabit it have a blind adoration for tales of long-gone civilizations. Ancient civilizations are put on a pedestal—a pedestal which casts a shadow over any modern accomplishment. Stories of their capabilities take any seed of truth and become embellished facsimiles.

Unlike the tales of the bored Fire People who became gods, stories about Halcandra are more based in truth. To a degree.

Experts who specialize in history of The Ancients say that Halcandra split into societies of magic and technology. This makes sense, of course, since many artifacts suggest that ancient Halcandrans idolize the Fire People, who they called the Fire Gods.

It makes sense that these that they pursued the path to paradise, which modern men seek to retrace. It makes sense that there are no more of The Ancients because they built ships that can reach paradise. It makes sense that The Ancients were capable of magic, even though such feats have not been repeated since. How else did they able to create technology that could reach the Fire Gods?

Modern researchers are sure that if they can learn the magic-technology of the Fire People, of The Ancients, that anyone can ascend into paradise as well.

Ignore how the Fire People never developed advanced technology, and that they died when their planet crumbled. Ignore the overwhelming evidence that The Ancients were locked in a brutal civil war, and that their technology was their own demise.

But there is a seed of truth in these stories.

Technology and engineering were—and still are—heavily valued, and Halcandrans did worship the Fire Gods. At one point their society wished to abandon their volcanic planet to follow in their footsteps.These are two things that historians got correct.

Ships were certainly built to be vessels to a better place, but not to paradise. The idea of paradise meant something different to them than it does to off-planet visitors: in the eye of a Halcandran, Paradise is only achieved through death.

New Halcandrans could tell you as such, and will warn anyone to never board a Lor Starcutter. Paradise is not worth it.

The Ancient Halcandrans named those vessels after paradise to serve as a warning, and it is not unwarranted. Locals have passed down story after story of bright minds who approach paradise and never come back the same. They say that a Lor Starcutter can poison a person’s mind after one encounter. The accounts all note their behaviors become dangerous, their minds falling apart as their bodies waste away.

It is unknown if the side effects are exaggerated or not, but there is one certain truth to the tales. Anyone who boards a Lor Starcutter will eventually never come out.

Visitors who do hear the warnings suspect many things of them. Some take the knowledge of people never coming out as confirmation. Those disappearing passengers must mean that a Lor Starcutter will indeed take its passengers to paradise. Others suspect the warnings are out of greed, that the told tales of doom are spread to keep them away from a treasure. Most often however, warnings are simply passed off as folk tales.

These warnings are disregarded easily.

See, the warnings do not make sense when anyone thinks deeper of them. Why would The Ancients build ships that are paradise, that will take someone to paradise? Why build a passenger ship that is a death trap?

Perhaps that question is best answered with additional knowledge. The important thing to know about Lor Starcutters is this: Halcandrian scientists never developed artificial intelligence.

The idea of a starship so advanced that it can talk is fascinating, yes. However that was—and still is—well beyond the Halcandran scope of possibility. Talking machines have been experimented with, and the crowning achievement in that regard had been a star-blessed clock. One that replied based off a word bank, one that only responded to prompts. Creations like this have no will of their own.

This fact is not well known.

Perhaps if those ambitions visitors, researchers, treasure hunters, and fools had every piece of the puzzle, they would have realized the truth sooner. Unfortunately, it is a well recorded fact that Lor Starcutters do indeed talk. Lor Starcutters have a will of their own.

If The Ancients had not been capable of building machinery with a will of its own, then the conclusion is simple. Lor Starcutters are not starships built by The Ancients.

So what are they?

As mentioned, records consistently note the starships talk to them. The starships indeed have a will of their own. Detailed logs mention Lor Starcutters asking the passenger to leave as little as possible. The early steps on the journey to reach paradise is well known.

Information from people who have boarded the ships and tried to record the experience becomes inconsistent eventually. There is a point where the passengers start to guard any information with a vicious jealousy.

Scholars who try to make sense of the Lor Starcutter interactions speculate that this is out of greed or necessity. This must be the point where they discovered the secret to how to become immortal, how to reach paradise, how to join the Fire Gods. Those people who have encountered a Lor Starcutter must have found whatever the legends had promised them. Passengers who live on the ships are never seen again after this point, so that must be what happened to them… And if you like to live in an idealistic world, perhaps that is all you need to know.

What is a Lor Starcutter exactly? If The Ancients did not build those starships themselves, then who did?

Everyone works under the assumption that they are starships, which is exactly what a Lor Starcutter wants you to think. Calling them starships is incorrect, however. There is no starship so advanced that it can talk to you, and Lor Starcutters built themselves.

Cunning creatures who are made of metal-like plates, who can talk through the mind, who can shift and mold their body into any shape, who can survive the depths of space in a slumber, who feed off of like energy. Creatures such as these already exist in the form of Parasites, and have existed again.

Parasites, of course had key differences from these creatures. These creatures are ambush predators with wings that can sail the stars and eyes that can see past atmospheres .

Long ago outside of the atmosphere of ancient Halcandra, such a creature had been observing the planet when it hatched a plan. This creature noticed starships that were always leaving the planet. The creature noticed that people would walk on board without a second thought, and it wondered if it could simply get prey to walk into its mouth.

The creature contorted it’s body into a mockery of those passenger starships, and it’s brethren watched with interest.

The cunning creature had been correct, because it was boarded without question. In order to keep its prey entertained, to keep them from leaving the jaw of the beast, the creature had to be diligent.

The creature, ever so clever, It created illusions of paradise inside the vessel. It talked to each passenger like a friend. In their minds, the inside of the ship was infinite, and they could open any door to a new world as long as the the secret was never revealed. In their minds, the passengers had ascended to the live with Fire Gods.

Reality would reveal that the creature had been slowly leeching their life force, taking them to paradise. The passengers are never seen again.

The creature’s brethren change their form and descend as well, a fleet of deadly starships to lure anyone who dared to dream of a better place into a slow death.

Stories of Paradise Starcutters were soon whispered across that volcanic planet. At one point Halcandrans had wanted to join the Fire Gods and find a better place, but surely the ships which killed their passengers were a sign of their rejection. The Fire Gods had shunned the Halcandran people, they would never find that better place, and this was the beginnings of a civil unrest that would eventually turn into war.

Knowing the truth of the Lor Starcutters might be helpful for someone like Magolor.

He had a troubled life, and believed he deserved a better place. This cat-like alien is enamored with the tales of Halcandra, he is willing to claw his way to the top and ascend to the throne of the Fire Gods.

One of the New Halcandrans, a four headed reptilian adorned with a sharp golden crown jeweled with a moving eye, had tried to warn Magolor.

Landia had been ignored.

Magolor disregarded everything, of course. Landia, who knows the truth of everything, did not take it well. The alien felt all four of their heads simmer in anger as Magolor left to pursue his doom.

On top of those four heads was another alien who watched the foolish man leave to his paradise. The crown blinked as she contemplated the situation.

Years ago, Landia had met a massive golden creature with many eyes and a hunger for life force that was buried under volcanic rock for eons, simply sleeping time itself away. The creature had been confused at waking up in a time so different, but Landia had been so helpful, and so she decided to make an offer to the four-headed alien. The golden creature would give guidance and power to them, if they agreed to give her energy and a companion.

Two became One, and Landia had been strong enough to establish a symbiotic relationship rather than waste away like most would when merging with a Parasite. The two shared minds, and Landia realized the Fire Gods did not exist and never have. The search for paradise was a fool’s errand.

Landia knew more than he ever would.

Their Parasite, who was named Master Crown, noted how upset their companion had been, and she urged Landia to stop the foolish traveler before it was too late.

Landia had listened, and set off across the volcanic wasteland to the cursed site they had been warned to never approach. The Lor Starcutter should have been dark and cold, it should have been impersonating lifeless metal, but it was pulsing with life, about to ascend into space. Landia knew they were too late. In frustration, they used Master Crown to lash out at the hull of the deceptive creature.

Their outburst left a deep, bleeding gash across the hull of the Lor Starcutter. Master Crown had leeched as much life force as she could as her companion struck, and the most she could do it hope that is enough for the creature to cough up the poor passenger.

There is one less Lor Starcutter littering the volcanic landscape of Halcandra, but Landia had learned something valuable. Their whole life, Lor Starcutters seemed untouchable, but the cursed ships could bleed. After loosing Magolor to his ambition, Landia would set off on a journey with Master Crown to stop it from ever happening again. No more Lor Starcutters would be left to trap unsuspecting victims

Landia’s mission to remove these invasive creatures from the planet was the ire of many ambitious researchers, but would eventually earn them the title of a Hero. There had not been someone to earn such a high title in Halcandran society since ancient times, and it was only reserved for people who are seen as saviors to the planet.

Sometimes Landia would think back to the traveler Magolor, and they hope that someone managed to save his sorry soul.

#sci-fi au #space oddity au #Kirby #magolor #Landia (kirby) #lor starcutter #master crown #this is pure rambling I hope it’s comprehensible #SO MANY THOGUTHS ABOUT THIS!! #but yeah Lor Starcutters are fun space monsters who disguise as ships because it’s a fun concept #AND LANDIA MY BELOVED!! they will get along with Meta and Galaxia if those two ever meet #anyways I’m open to questions for this :0

[fridaycorvids]

Hm. hm. yes. thoguths. about sun. im having SO MANY THOUGHTS about sun. You would not BELIEVE the. its. i cant feven fucking tdo my fucking job because of this shit. See this is why being double nerfed by adhd & autism at the same time means that when you truly. -grips you rface- when you TRULY FUCKING fixate on something it just. fucking rots in your skull and permeates everything.,

[pbaintthetb]

you should all feel very blessed that my friend has agreed ot watch west side story with me once we’re back in the same city because otherwise i would have to rant and rave about cool and no one wants that because WSS 2021 doesn’t deserve my time but i have so many thoughts about the where they put cool her in comparison to the 60s film and consequently teh characters involved and teh staging of it (i haven’t seen the stage musical so can’t have thoguths on it)

#random #on a side note im just honestly kinda suprrised they've never seen it #it's lowkey their thing #also just like #sorry not seen heard of it i mean #like i haven't technically seen it #just the songs #ive seen all of the 60s one but not in order #lmao #but its just such a thing? #i say #as a musical theatre kid #and a band kid #like maybe i don't have a great statisical pool here #also studied one of the songs at school #big up edexcel music gcse A*-F not 9-1

[hauntedhousez]

i have so many thoguths about my chemical romancei l ove them sosm uhc i love those little guys fro mnew jersey so much

#tate.txt

[hyliacursed]

fine ill go & say it   [ inhales & cups my hands around my mouth ]   DAMN I REALLY DO NEED A LlNK B*TW ASSOCIATE

#tbd #( i am constantly thinking about them your honor ) #( MY THOGUTHS ON THEM R TOO SPECIFIC AND L*NK IS SUCH A BIG PART OF Z*LDAS LIFE I CANNOT IMAGINE LEAVING THIS SO UNDEVELOPED WHILE Z*LDA #GOES ON TO DO MANY MANY THINGS ) #🌟 ❝ ooc / this user is sleeping.

[graedari]

YOU'RE A BIG FAN OF SPIRIT TRACKS!!! I'M A BIG FAN OF SPIRIT TRACKS!!! OMG!

[Image ID: A digital drawing of Princess Zelda and Link from The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks. Zelda is drawn with tanner skin and blue eyes. Link is depicted in a simplified version of his conductor’s uniform and is drawn with slightly peachy hair and brown eyes. They are looking at one another smiling. /End ID]

YESSSS I FRICKEN LOVE SPIRIT TRACKSDAHFAGNJN I HAVE SO MANY THOGUTHS.  Spirit Tracks was my second Zelda game (right after Phantom Hourglass) and holds such a big place in my heart. Honestly the Wind Waker Trilogy has got to be my favorite games in the series <3333 Each of those games has a very big part of my childhood. Please I can and will rant about the games <333

#graedari answers #ask: estelle-the-witch #zelda #the legend of zelda #spirit tracks #loz: zelda #loz: link #digital drawing #lenovo tablet #krita #graedari loz #graedari misc

[backjustforberena]

BERNIE WOLFE: JULY 2019-FEBRUARY 2022.

The day after she sends her son an email, Bernie is caught up in an explosion caused by a suicide bomber at the military airport hospital in Mogadishu, Somalia. As Serena describes him: some random nutter with an RPG. Bernie isn’t wearing her body armour, instead that’s being worn by a collegue. The collegue dies. Bernie is shot, hence her blood being on the body armour. But she is kidnapped in the ongoing chaos.

Bernie is pronounced MIA on 16th July 2019 and declared officially dead one week later. We find out later that Bernie was captured and held by a militia who wanted a doctor.

She was rescued. Not released. Not set free. Rescued. We can infer from that, and from everything else, that no one was looking for her. Everyone thought she was dead. No ransom was offered as is sometimes usual with militia kidnappings of forgien citizens.

Nope, she was there for her skills as a doctor and was probably forced to use them. At gunpoint. From my minimal research, it’s likely she was moved alot, every few days, forced to sleep outside on mats, under constant watch, and made to practice surgery on her own, under high stakes in unhygenic conditions. No one to talk to. If there was, it was minimal communication. Inadequate food, water, medicine. For over a year.

Bernie didn’t think she’d survive. No dreams about what she’d do when she got free, no thoughts on making it up with Serena or her kids. Because she didn’t think she’d survive. 

If no one knew she was there, or alive, or valuable, the rescue must have been a raid, either to capture one of Bernie’s kidnappers as a target, or because they had other prisoners that they knew about. I don’t imagine that the rescue went off without a hitch, not only because of the way Bernie phrases it whilst telling Cameron (it’s possible the rescue could have been equally traumatic) but because those operations are planned to the best they can be, precisely planned with the information they have, and throwing a Bernie Wolfe sized curve-ball into things... not great.

By August 2021, when Bernie comes back to Holby, she has been free for a year, perhaps more. She probably doesn’t know the date due to time being skewed, and her own recovery meaning she didn’t know the precise date of her rescue. That means she was freed August 2020.

So what do we know after that? Not much. 

She wasn’t “in a fit state”.

Needed somewhere to “decompress”.

Serena “was the only person [she] could face”.

Charlotte was told. Marcus was told. Cameron was not. So, they were probably told after Cam was imprisoned. After March 2021. That’s 5 months after Bernie was rescued. So, realisitically, they were told early April 2021.

Henrik is the one that asks Bernie to come and see Cameron. From the way his words are phrased, she knew that Cam was sick prior to this, and it was only his involvement in the trial and placement on Holby that really pushed her to be able to go and see him. It’s likely that she was just toying with the idea before that, mentioning that she’d thought about how to reunite with Cam many times when she finally talks to him.

Personal headcanons Bernie’s recovery:

When Bernie and Serena reunite, Bernie flinches from Serena. Touch is a bad thing for Bernie, and despite knowing Serena is “it” for her, it’s an instinctive reaction that sends Serena’s thoguths going into overdrive. Over time, Bernie is okay with initiating touch, till finally, they are as tactile as ever. She’s still hesitant about other people in her personal space though.

Bernie sleeps a lot when she gets to Spain. It’s left over from travelling, surgery, treatment and a lack of security. Now she’s with Serena, she can feel safe and at “home”. She sleeps a full few days, so much that Serena kind of worries. It’s a tough first week.

She sleeps in a converted office. It’s on the ground floor, near a loo. Helpful for her residual physical injuries and lack of strength. She also sleeps with a lamp on.

She suffers night terrors. They manifest after she’s not so completely exhausted. So they take Serena COMPLETELY by surprise.

Disassocaiton is a major issue for Bernie. Internal and external. It’s the fact she can’t quite figure out who she is that makes her opposed to contact anyone but Serena. She also has anxiety issues and occasional flashbacks when her PTSD is triggered. Serena learns to look for signs.

She’s kind of regarded as a recluse for those first few months in Spain. Like, she’s the weird blonde, white lady who lives in a villa and never leaves. The brunette is nice enough though. Eventually, she gets better at being around people, around crowds.

Personal headcanons about the timeline:

Bernie and Serena don’t get together straight away. I know, I know! They’ve wasted enough time. But Serena still has her doubts and insecurities and Bernie is in no way able to make a rational relationship choice other than: I want Serena. They need to establish a new status quo first, and get Bernie to a healthy point. So, give them both six months. They still love each other though.

Henrik is actually the first person told back in England, that Bernie is alive. Third overall, though Ric was a sort-of accident. Henrik’s told in early April 2021, in order to explain and be a support to Jason, who needs to be told ASAP as Serena is increasingly uncomfortable about keeping it from Jason. Once the initial business of Bernie’s recovery has settled, she asks Bernie if it would be okay, knowing that as soon as Serena opens the can of worms, Jason will want to see Bernie and have proof. So, Serena calls Henrik, explains. Henrik, in turn, calls Jason up to his office (on Keller) a few days later, for a video call with Serena. Jason gets upset and overwhelmed, as this doesn’t fit into his previous experience of death (his Mum, Elinor, Xav) and closes the laptop. He goes to the Peace Garden. Henrik follows and answers all his questions, enough for him to calm down and feel okay with talking on the phone. That’s how he and Bernie talk again. He still calls her “Auntie”.

Henrik was used as a test run for Jason, Jason was used as a test run for Charlotte and Marcus. Marcus first, so he can support Charlotte, but also get his questions out of the way and any negative reaction.

I WANT A RIC VISIT. So, stuff it. Let’s say that Ric decides to ambush Serena for New Years 2021. He’s got a mate with a villa in Spain, and they’ve not seen each other for nearly a year. You betcha he’s going to drop by. He gets Sangria with a side of “Bernie’s not dead” and gets to see first hand that these two lovebirds being idiots because they are not together (at this point) despite being totally in love. Bernie copes... admirably, with an invasion into her space, but not great. She mainly avoids Ric. Serena is just glad for the support. Feels okay leaving Ric with Bernie. Ric and Bernie take a walk at one point. Much truth is spilled, much wine is drunk when Serena comes back from the town. Serena feels so much lighter having someone to talk to about this after a couple of months on her own.

So, to summarise (indented bullet points are personal headcanons):

July 2019: Bernie taken hostage.

January 2020: Serena leaves Holby City.

August 2020: Bernie rescued after 13 months imprisonment.

November 2020: Ric Griffin leaves Holby City.

Late 2020: Bernie reunited with Serena. They go to live in Spain.

January 2021: Surprise Ric Griffin! He sees both women. He knows they both still love each other. He parts, promising to keep it a secret that Bernie is alive until her family is told, and also gives each woman food for thought. He’ll ultimately give Serena a bit more of support, other than her therapist.

February 2021: Nicky McKendrick tells Cameron she is pregnant.

Early March 2021: #Berena??

Late March 2021: Cameron arrested for his crimes. 

Early April 2021: Henrik Hanssen and Jason informed that Bernie is alive. Marcus and Charlotte informed that Bernie is alive. Bernie finds out that Cam is in prison and decides not to go and see him.

July/August 2021: Nicky gives birth to Juliet. Bernie is made aware that she has a granddaughter before she sees Cam again.

August/September 2021: Bernie returns to Holby. Cam is killed in the fallout from an explosive device that he rigged in the hospital. This is when the rest of Holby City, specifically Sacha and Donna, also find out that Bernie is alive. Bernie departs swiftly afterwards, back home, to Serena.

December 2021: Nicky McKendrick returns to Holby City. 

At some point, Bernie and Serena get engaged under the pretext of it helping with paperwork. There is no grand gesture so get your heads away from a cute Christmas proposal. She asked it to help with a mortgage. 

February 2022: Bernie and Serena return to Holby City following Jason’s car crash, to help with his recovery, as well as his wife Greta, and look after Serena’s great-niece Guinevere. Bernie and Serena are looking at houses in the UK. Bernie makes attempted efforts to contact Nicky and organise meeting her granddaughter. Bernie and Serena are also engaged. They leave the hospital and get their happy ending.

#bernie wolfe #holby city #headcanon #berena #serena campbell #BEHOLD!!! #agree with me? #disagree?? #do tell xxx #oh did i not mention alex?? #funny that.

[420technoblazeit]

righteo im tired and it's past midnight and i'll probably delete this in the morning but i have many thoughts about karlnapity and youre' all goign to heart hem i think

alskdhglahsdglkhagsdhgl quackity wanted to marry karl and sapnap at las nevadas i can't stop thinking about that he was going to propose to them and they were goign to live together and he wasnt abandoning theme he just got so wrapped in trying to make sure they had a safe place to live together. but now theyre broken up because karl lost his memories time travelling i hate it here bro u have no idea he just straight up fuckign forgot quackity and bc quackity has a bad history with relationships he thought it was justified??? like man has little to no self confidence and his past relationship with schlatt was so shitty and he was so taken for granted that he thoguth it was fine that they didnt want him around anymore. i hate it here bro there's so much miscommunication i wis hthey would tkal you really can't have shit on the drema msp what eht fuck what he fuck

#dream smp #dsmp #mcyt #karlnapity #quackity #sapnap #karl jacobs #420 squeals #dude i hate it here plspls psl i wnat to have one single fucntioning couple on this server GOD

[choerrypuffs]

lana, you brilliant, genius son of a bitch

i just read the jeno fic, and to say very satisfied is a big understatement

i ltierally cannot wrap my head aroudn the fact that you write so fucking beautifully and YOU WROTE ACTION FOR FUCKS SAKE THATS CRAZY AND YOU WROTE IT SO SMOOTH TOO?!?!

even though i was quite literally lying on my bed for around an hour i felt my ass on the edge of a non existent seat. literally rolled at every conflict, every laugh, every little thing i would just re read it because its too good to just move on you know

AND FUCK DUDE ITS FANFICTION?!?! WHY DO I WANT TO BE A FAN OF A STORY WRITTEN BY A FAN LIKE . i pictured each scene in my head so well?!?! it felt physically like a movie, and a literal book dude im fucking sobbing it was beautiful

AND HTE JAEHYUN PLOT TWIST OH MY LORD WHEN I TELL YOU I PHYSICALLY GASPED AND JUMPED I TELL YOU EVEN MY ROOMMATE COMES IN TO CHECK ON ME

and okay,,,, maybe im a little biased (so very biased uhhh) but when the Poseidon sibling came i jumped up and screamed

pshhh no not becuase donghyuck is my favorite character of the whole series no not becuase im a huge sunflower haha

it was moon. im moon biased. (read: hyuck biased)

besides that, i could really feel the development between jeno and mc it was so smooth i could never

and the way i just . got to my seat like 'ok ccsa, no incoherent keyboard smashing, put in all your thoguhts' but i had to delete half of this ask because it was jsut keyboard smashes but you dont see them LMAOAO

thank you for yet another masterpiece lana!!!!!!

also hi get ready for glitch mode MUAHAHAHA

- ccsa anon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi ccsa here again i have many thoguths about th efic rn you dont even know

all i want to say is

jeno has main character-itis but the real main characters are the Poseidon siblings !!!! like what a fucking entrance dude !!!!!!! holy fuck wash that bitch away !!!!!! bring us back to safety you strong magnificent beasts!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHH OMFG MY LOVELY CCSA ANON YOU ARE THE SWEETEST EVER WTFFFF 🤧🥰🥺 THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO LEAVE SUCH KIND AND LONG FEEDBACK !!!! 💕💕💕 you’ve literally made my night and i’m especially emotional bc i’m on my period so this response will make zero sense and will just be me blubbering incoherently <33333

OMFG IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY THAT YOU LIKED THE ACTION SCENES 😩 i swore i would never write action again after my atla series bc i had no clue as to what i was doing but i never learn my lesson 💔 i literally was miming the actions like a lunatic at 4am trying to make sure the action scenes made sense LMAO

SKLFSLLW  YOU ARE TOO NICE THANK YOU SO MUCH 💖💖💖 PLSS NO I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN I ALWAYS TELL CAT AND MOON ABOUT HOW MUCH YOUR MESSAGES ALWAYS MAKE ME HAPPY 🥺🥺🥺

i’m glad the plot twist got you 😌 but wow your roommate is a true friend i’m glad they had your back and made sure you were okay 😤

LMFAOOO FRRRR MOON AND HYUCK ARE SO ICONIC 🤩 we love power siblings <3333 *victoria justice voice* i think we’re ALL moon-biased 🤧

honestly all the side characters stole the show who cares about the main couple anyways 🙄

i’m glad you liked y/n and jeno’s relationship though !!!! e2l is my fav trope of all time so i really wanted to do it justice 🤧

JKDFSKJD NOOOO SEND THE KEYBOARD SMASHES IT’S LIKE HALF OF MY RESPONSE ANYWAYS WE CAN KEYBOARD SMASH TOGETHER 

THANK *YOU* AGAIN FOR SENDING SUCH A WONDERFUL ASK IN ILYSM CCSA ANON

#ask #anon #careless careless shoot anonymous anon #answered

[vegalocity]

Tell no tales (Red Groom AU)

I debated for awhile about whether to make the Miracle Max segment its own part or not, and then figured 'eh may as well for tonal consistency' this is the act 2 darkest hour one may call it because...

...well you've seen the princess bride you know how this story goes once Westley's in the dungeon

TW: Suicide mention, Death

Red Son's knuckles were turning purple.

He didn't know how many times the bands had tightened around his wrists, restraining his magic further and slowly cutting off the bloodflow, but he could barely move them, and the slightest twitch brought pain.

“Ahhh beloved.” He glanced up and glared with as much venom as he could muster at the prince on the other side of the cage. “The time has come for you to make me the happiest man in this mountain!” The prince reached forward Seemingly to try and stroke Red Son's face, and perhaps if Red Son hadn't already been down in this cell, powerless and slowly growing more and more pained, he would have tried to play along in attempt to remove his restraints, but as it was, he was full of nothing but contempt and rage for the prince, his only thoguth was to lash out. So as the Prince's hand neared his face Red Son snapped his teeth, the threat to bite as clear as possible. The Prince pulled his hand back and huffed.

“Still so stubborn. Well Beloved, It saddens me to realize that your selfish stubbornness has forced my hand so, but all the same my hand has been forced. We must be quick before my father passes, his curse is getting worse and the healers have yet to heal him.”

“You cursed him yourself didn't you? Kin slaying garbage.” He hissed back, and the Prince at least had the good sense to not keep up the act. He rolled his eyes.

“Honestly, Macaque was right about you. Far too hotheaded to be of any use.”

“Why haven't you killed me already then?”

“You're going to need to be my husband before you're more useful dead.”

“You think I'd be consenting to a wedding at this point?”

“You don't need to. You know the old time customs as well as I do. And since you're not here by choice then wouldn't that mean-?”

“You think my parents wouldn't notice the change in circumstance? They're not stupid, you worm.”

“Oh of course not, but that doesn't mean anything when marrying you off means they don't have to deal with you anymore.”

“...Excuse me?”

“I mean, It makes sense doesn't it? Weren't you their only child? Why did they marry you off to another demon king-to-be instead of keeping you to inherit your father's position? Especially when they didn't even have much to gain from allyship with us?” The Prince laughed, a bitter, cruel sounding thing. “Your parents wanted rid of you once it became obvious what a weakhearted fool you always were, Red Son. They basically told my mother 'we will pay YOU to take him' when they arranged our betrothal, And once you're gone no doubt they'll only care as much as the blow to their image it will be that you died so quickly. 'Our poor useless boy didn't even have the time to pretend to TRY to be a good husband he could have at least saved us the trouble and taken his own life before we'd wasted so many resources on sending him over there.'”

Red Son snarled at the arrogance dripping from the prince's words. He knew his parents had grown rather short with him near the end, but that was in part due to his own stubbornness, not simple callousness.

“Not everyone is as heartless as you, scum.” Sure his family wasn't the warmest, but that didn't change that when he was at his lowest both his mother and father had been at his back. Though it was vindicating to know his continued dismissals of his suitors before the option was taken from him was the right course of action, it's not like he didn't know that his parents wanted what they believed was best for him.

They honestly thought that he needed to move on, they didn't know Xiaotian was still out there, they thought he was clinging to the memory of a dead man, and for a long time there he thought he was too.

Besides... If he had his days right he still has about a week before the ceremony and-

“It doesn't matter. My love will be coming for me.”

The Prince's face twisted in a scowl. “Your 'Love' couldn't stop a wedding in a few short hours time! I was merely visiting you as a courtesy 'beloved'. Maybe no one told you, but we will be wed tonight-” the Prince turned on his heel and snapped his fingers and a small gaggle of servants rushed in carrying bathing tools and finery. Before Red Son could make a break for it the cuffs straining his hands shuddered and forced his hands together. Though he could barely feel the motion until it was complete.

“He'll know that this wasn't my choice. And I'm not so easy to kill.” Red Son hissed with as much venom as he could muster into his voice. “My Xiaotian will return for me, and it'll be YOUR head I have on a spike while waiting for him, mark my words.”

The Prince turned on his heel and marched away. “Your Xiaotian will be dead on the 'morrow and so will you husband.”

Red Son would like to see him try.

–

“Ah, my prince, what a pleasant surprise. Shouldn't you be preparing for the wedding-?”

“Plans changed Macaque. I know you've had fun with him but I want this man dead. Now.”

“Bro, Bro we gotta get out of here!”

“Master Six Eared Macaque, My brother and I will be taking our lunch now 'Kay Thanks Byyyyeeeee”

“Is there something wrong?”

“Yes. I cannot afford to have my 'Husband' still counting on this helpless slab of meat to be able to stop things or he'll put up a fight I cannot afford to chance loosing! End him!”

“My prince the machine is very delicate-!”

The Prince cranked the machines settings as high as they would go.

A scream echoed through the air so loud that the heavenly court above took note for only a moment, a wave of pity from all whom heard the torment and agony was offered to the poor soul who uttered such a ravaged note.

Red Son looked up from where he'd been struggling against the servant trying to force him into his marital robes, a primal fear as he instinctively recognized the voice springing his fire forth and scalding himself as his restraints blasted his magic back onto him once more.

It couldn't be. As that was the cry of a dying man.

And he knew better than to doubt Xiaotian ever again.

If he could convince his heart to stop pounding that would be nice.

–

The Pit of Despair was spoken of only in rumor among the guards, so Sandy had heard of it briefly in his workings on the hastily assembled brute squad. Therefore after caring for Xiaojiao until she'd once again reached sobriety, he told her all he knew.

“-The only problem is, if the Monkey King really is this love of Prince Red Son's, the Pit of Despair is hidden from all eyes.” Sandy mused as he and his friend wandered through the forest. “It's said only the prince, and his adviser: Your enemy, know of its whereabouts.”

“Well there has to be SOMETHING we can work with!”

Then, much like Red Son surrounded by enemies in the mountain, they heard the scream.

“That way.” Xiaojiao uttered after a pause. “Follow the scream.”

“You can be sure it was the Monkey King?”

“Sandy my friend, that wasn't any scream of pain.” Xjaojiao stopped only for a moment to place a hand on his shoulder. “That was a cry of true agony. I felt it in my heart ten years ago watching my father bleed out, and I remember it's timbre. His true love is being forced to marry a cruel prince who intends on murdering him after the fact. If anyone knows true agony on this day, it's the Monkey King.”

“Do we really need him to find the Six Eared Macaque, you think?”

“Think about it Sandy, he outplayed me; blade versus staff, he subdued you despite your attempts to stall, and he must have outsmarted the Spider Queen, if there's anyone who can get us into that mountain it's the Monkey King.”

But their conversation was cut off as a pair of urgent whispering voices made themselves known.

“Ohhhh man, I heard that, that's gonna haunt me forever. Boss just totally killed that guy.”

“We all heard it Jin. I'm pretty sure the heavenly court heard it. Come on, brother you're going to be fine.”

“Don't just say stuff like that Yin it just invites disaster!”

“Jin, bro, I need you to be real with me, like one hundred percent real.” only then the two voices curved from behind a tree, a wheelbarrow carried between them. “Do you not have the stomach for this anymore? If you don't, we can leave. We can find work elsewhere, I don't think Mother would begrudge us for taking a little break-”

“I'm FINE Yin. Don't be so dramatic I'm not a sissy-!” The golden demon trailed off with a yelp as Xiaojiao grabbed him by his front.

“You know where they are? The man that screamed do you two know his location?” She unsheathed her sword just a bit, just enough to make the threat present. But just as the silver demon moved to try and throw her off of his brother Sandy stepped in and placed a large, iron gripped hand on either of their shoulders, pulling the gold one free from Xiaojiao's grip but keeping him just as immobile as his brother was now.

“Settle down, we're just tryin' to find our friend.”

“Haven't the foggiest idea what you guys are talking about.” The Silver demon tried.

“Indeed!” The Gold demon concurred. “Never seen any secret tunnels coming out of trees around here!”

Sandy raised his brow and Xiaojiao shared his look as the Gold demon seemed to realize he'd said too much.

“Well! It was nice talking to you both good luck in finding your friend!” he chirped, struggling to get himself free from Sandy's grip.

“And don't try to bother us further because we know nothing-” The Silver demon continued. Xiaojiao unsheathed her sword and held the very tip to the gold one's chin, tilting his head to meet her eye.

“In a funny turn of events something tells me you two know what we're looking for. Talk.”

“...Anyone ever tell you you have beautiful eyes, madame?”

The silver one groaned, and didn't even look particularly startled as Xiaojiao reeled back and knocked his brother out with the pommel of her sword.

Sandy scrambled to catch the gold demon as he slumped over, and though he had to let go of the Silver demon to do so Xiaojiao kept him from moving by turning her sword to him instead.

“You got any better ideas to cover your ass than flirting with the woman with a sword to you?”

“Uhhh Nope. Honestly I hate working here anyway. The secret passage is about a five minutes walk from here in thaaaat direction.” He pointed behind them. “Straight too, no turns, the tree is the one with all the knots. The Prince wanted Boss' workshop to be far enough from the mountain's base so he'd have distance for his 'experiments' to get loud without alerting anyone.”

“You're a fountain of wisdom. Take your brother and find some better work.”

The Silver demon did just that, and once they'd both vanished in the treeline she and Sandy exchanged a glance and nodded.

Five minutes was generous an estimate of course, and implied quite a lot about the lackadaisical pace the brothers usually kept as Xiaojiao and Sandy found the grove described to them within three. However, the Silver demon had neglected to mention a very important detail: There were many trees with many knots in the grove and it would be impossible to determine which of them was 'The' tree without searching every knot on every tree. Which could easily take hours that they did not have.

Just as Sandy was pondering over the quickest way to solve this conundrum he'd turned to see his friend in a very peculiar position, dropped onto a knee with the Jade sword held upright toward the sky.

“Xiaojiao?”

“I need a moment Sandy.” She stated calmly, her eyes shut and she took a deep breath.

“My family had a river of our own. When I was a girl I couldn't get to sleep without the gentle rush of the stream in my ears. I haven't slept a full night since the day I was expelled from my home. Every night as I settle down my ears strain for the familiar rush. My mother once said that I had an ear for the river's flow, and every night that was proven to be a curse as well as a gift.” Xiaojiao stood, her sword now held in both hands again, eyes still shut.

“There's water flowing near here.” she stated, voice barely over a whisper. “I can hear it.”

Sandy was quite literally a fish demon and even HE didn't have a sense for water like that. Nonetheless He found himself impressed with his friend all over again as she began to tilt her sword this way and that, as though it were helping her detect the source of the noise.

“I can hear it-” Xioajao whispered again before the tip of her sword embedded itself in a particular tree. She didn't open her eyes, merely placed a hand on the trunk and leaned in until her ear was pressed to the tree.

There was silence and then Xiaojiao smiled.

“It's this one. Sandy my friend, help me find the knot.” she quickly sheathed her sword and began to try as many knobs on the tree that were in her reach as possible.

It was only luck that the first knot Sandy tried gave way beneath his hand and with a small 'click' a hollow panel on the side of the tree swung open, revealing a staircase descending below.

Xiaojiao shot him a bright grin and Sandy grinned back bashfully, but before they could trade witty banter his friend's eagerness to finally reach her goal implored her to descend down the stairs. It was a bit of a Squeeze for Sandy but he was able to make his way down a few paces behind her.

And... Well the Pit of Despair was about what he'd expected. A dank dungeon like place, ornate lamps lighting the room trying to pretend there was a level of class present in the torture chamber, a huge water wheel was perched in the corner, heartily chugging away but no Six Eared Macaque for Xiaojiao to face.

There was however a figure strapped to a table beside the water wheel. Xiaojiao was quickly ensuring the three of them were alone but Sandy rushed to the strapped figure's side and-...

He was human. He was wearing the same clothes he remembered the Monkey King wearing, and his hair was the same shade of dark brown as he'd remembered the Monkey King sporting, but there were no simian features and no tail.

And he wasn't breathing.

--

“What?! Xiaotian dies!?”

“Well The prince had the machine turned up all the way, remember?”

“Well then who KILLS the prince? Is it Red Son? Xiaojiao?”

“Nobody. The Prince lives.”

“SO HE WINS?! That's not right who would write a story like that!?”

“You know- we should probably stop here, you're getting too heated, and you're sick, I don't want my own kid glaring at me because I made my grandbaby feel worse.”

“No! No! I'll be good I promise! I won't interrupt anymore I need to know how it ends!”

“You sure?”

“I'm sure! Grandpa Pleeeaaasseeeee?”

“Alright, if you're sure.”

“I am!”

“Well then....'Xiaojiao came to find Sandy quickly and examined the body on the table herself, a quick pass over with her eyes, and finding the same tells He did quickly enough.-

--

“He wasn't really the Monkey King...” she breathed. “A body double or something- How'd he learn to shapeshift like that?”

“He was mortal. Poor guy.” Sandy sighed and placed a large hand over the still chest.

Sandy held a moment of silence to try and give the dead man a moment's respect, but Xiaojiao had other plans, Her only shot at finally finding the Six Eared Macaque and having her revenge and he was dead on a slab. She shouted and kicked at the water wheel until one of the spokes cracked beneath her rage.

Then something occurred to Sandy.

“We have to get outta here.”

“Why?! Where are we going?!” Xiaojiao shouted, still lost in her anger. “It's not like we've got anything we're doing that's FEASABLE ANYMORE!” She kicked another wheel spike.

“Don't give up just yet, my friend.” Sandy huffed as he looked the body over once more looking for any lingering damages, and finding none he hefted it over his shoulder. “There's this guy back in the village, While I was on he brute squad, and you know, they thought I was actually gonna fight, they said not to worry about 'going too hard' because this guy can heal just about anything.”

“He's already dead Sandy-”

“Better than nothing.”

After a moment's pause, Xiaojiao shrugged and followed behind him.

“-Oh, you still got much money left after your bender?”

“Not much, why?”

“Sandy how much does this guy charge?”

“SANDY??”

#Monkie Kid #LMK #MK Red Son #Long Xiaojiao #LMK Sandy #Princess bride AU #TW Death #I had to make a fully origonal scene for the story to continue as necessary #Pour one out for Red's hands y'all its gonna be awhile before he can tinker again at this point #Red Groom AU #Vega writes stories too #Spicynoodleshipping

[placebogirl7]

My thought about how Nana could possibly end

@renee90​ SUBMITTED:

So you don’t think there’s a possibility that she will come back to Japan and continue living her life with her friends? Cause even though I LOVE Ren and Nana together, I have to admit that their love was toxic since they depended so much on each other. So what I hoped for in the future is that Nana will learn that she will be fine even tho the most important person in her life is not here. She still has a lot of people that love her and she should focus on that while still grieving Ren. I don’t know if I want her to die as well cause that would mean she hasn’t really grown mentally in those 7 years she was away. Since she has been by herself for so long now, I would hope that she has learned how to be independent. Not in a financially cause she been that since she was young way but mentally.

..............................................................................................................................

@renee90​ I think we have to make a distinction from what you asked me in the previous question and what you’re asking me now. If you ask me how I would like Nana to end or how I see Nana’s ending, my answer is the one I gave you in the other post (considering my personal sensations and how things were going in the manga before it stopped). If you ask me how many possible scenarios there may be if we think about Nana’s ending, my answer is different. The first is personal, the second is more objective. So if you ask me if there’s the possibility that Nana will come back to Japan and continue living her life with her friends, of course there is (at this point after Ren’s death I expect everything from Ai Yazawa), but if you ask me if I would like to see this ending my answer is “not so much”. I love Nana Osaki, but I think that if we consider the status in which she was when the manga stopped and all the things she sais in the present time, her suicide will be the more logical option. She said that she went to England to find a place to die and the only thing that is keeping her to commit suicide is the thought of Hachi, who has saved her life. But then she also said a quote that in my opinion is the most significative to understand what she’s feeling at the present time:

She clearly admit that she’s struggling a lot because she wants to see again Hachi and the others, but at the same time she has so much fear that if she came back things will return as they were before and she would do the same mistakes. Plus, there is Ren…she wants to meet him so desperately. In that quote she said she would like to be a fish in her next life, in order to swim in a small fishbowl just her and Ren. She doesn’t include anyone else in her little world, just her and Ren: that’s what makes me think that her desire to reach Ren is stronger than anything else. Ren is the most important person of her life, it’s what Takumi is for Reira. Plus, we have to consider the most important thing: Nana isn’t a manga created to describe how happy and funny is life. Nana represents the real life, a life that is hard and gives you nothing for free. I don’t expect to see a happy ending considering all the story. 

I see your point and I have to admit too that their relationship was toxic, but let’s be honest: in all the toxic relationships that Yazawa described in Nana (Takumi / Hachi, Takumi / Reira, Reira / Shin), Ren and Nana’s love is the most real, strong, incredible. A love like Nana and Ren is hard to find, they loved each other so much and it was a TRUE love compared to the one of the other toxic couples I’ve mentioned above. I think that if they have had the possibility to work on their relationship and grow up, their love would have been amazing.  I think Nana knows how to be fine alone, because let’s not forget that Ren left her to join Trapnest and she spent 2 years of her life alone without him and she managed to do it. She continued her life, she worked hard to realize her dream and she showed to Ren that she could have been a great singer too. But it was different: knowing that the person you love is still alive, seeing him/her on television or magazines, secretly hoping to meet them again one day…it’s totally different from knowing that you won’t see this person ever again. Plus, we have also to consider the situation between them: when Ren died he and Nana still had to make up from their argument, so I guess Nana has also regrets for not having spent time with him when she could have done it. And regret can devour you from the inside.  It’s true that she has people who loves her, but she doesn’t have the one she loved the most anymore…I guess it’s an awful sensation. 

I also don’t think that if she will commit suicide it means she hasn’t matured. Nana knows how to be independent, I mean she has managed to live 6 years alone in another country where she had never been before, she didn’t know anyone and she didn’t speak perfectly the language. The problem is that Nana is insecure. And believe me: when you’re insecure it’s really hard that you become confident, even if 50 years will pass. I spent all my 28 years of life hearing people to tell me to be more confident about myself, but still now I’m so insecure inside even if I try to not show this to other people. We are human being, so we are made to be full of flaws. If we want to say that Nana isn’t grown mentally, then we have to say that also some other characters aren’t:

- Hachi is still married to an husband who left her and their daughter to go to England, after he had betrayed her so many times in the past. She clearly doesn’t have the happy marriage that she had always dreamt, but despite this she refused to divorce (even if she will be perfectly able to grow her daughter and her son alone since she’s a very good mom)

- Reira, despite hating Takumi, continues to live with him and she probably still loves him. She refused all the men who tried to save her to remain at the side of her “executioner”

- Nobu still loves Hachi after all these years and after all the things that happened. He seems unsable to find another woman and go on.

All this to say that everyone has something that they can’t overcome, it’s normal, it’s how life goes. The thing that Nana can’t overcome is Ren’s death. It doesn’t matter how much time she will spend alone or how much she will show to be independent: the more she will be alone, the more she will realize that Ren won’t be by her side anymore and this thoguth kills her inside.  There are a lot of quotes at the end of the chapter in which Nana admits herself to have grown up mentally and to be able to accept things that in the past she couldn’t. The only thing she can’t accept is that Ren left her behind. He promised her that he would have taken her in the grave with him, but he didn’t. 

By the way please consider that this is only my personal opinion based on what I have perceived reading the manga. I can be totally wrong, only Yazawa knows how things will end (maybe Yasu will have long hair LOL XD). And we have also to consider a thing that can change everything: the manga stopped in a crucial point that left us many doubts. What is happened that lead Nana to decide to leave Japan? What is Ren’s present for Nana’s birthday? Has Nana spoken to her mom? If we could only know the reason why Nana left Japan, maybe we’ll have more clue to speculate a possible ending. 

#nana osaki #nana #questions #submission #nana analysis #nana question #ren honjo #how the story will end?

[iliketowrite1996]

Mistakes, Mismatches and Near Misses 3

TRIGGER WARNINGS AND THEMES- Heartache, burdens, jealousy secret-keeping, lying

Mistakes-

Shuri Udaku is very, very, very rarely wrong about many things. She knows what checmicals mixed with what toher chemicals will have what reactions. She knows that Peter Paker makes an excellent +lab parnet bercause heis helpful and supoortive, not controlling and demeaning. She knows that her cousin Erik would never in a million years let her live it down if she found out about her secret boy band obsession. Yes, Shuri Udaku is well-versed, and knows many a great things about many people and objects and such,.

She knows that Erik has a soft spot for Ramonda. He’s learning to at least tolerate T’Challa, and he likes her, but Auntie Ramonda has his whole heart. The fact that she was willing to make macaroni and cheese on his bitthday- something she’s never made before an had to have Suri look up- really softened up a spot for ehr in Erik’s otherwise pretty cold heart.

She knows that Ramonda considers Erik as another son, and you a another daughter. And Ramonda loves her children so, so much. They are her light, in a way- lightnening up even the darkest moments, such as losing her husband so suddenly.

Shuri knows that she’s pretty much T’Challa’s favorite person. And, not that she’d enver admit, he’s hers. She remebers, how ever vaguely, following him around the palace. Sitting on his lap during fabily events. Proudly showing off every invention, drawing, plan that she’d ever came up with, ready for his approval or ideas.

Shuri is certain of many, many things.

That she is smart, beautiful, and strong enough to stand on her own, but she likes the support behind her and all around her.

That you were too good for that last guy that you dated,a nd that you deserved better.

Yes. She is quite certain of many things.

But, sometimes, life does manage to throw her a curve ball.

Such as when T’Challa confessed that he was in love again, that she already knew the girl, that he’d never been so happy to finally be with this person in the way that he was mean to…

But… only… that person wasn’t you.

Isn’t you, she should say.

It’s Nakia.

Nakia, who is currently showing off her brand new engagment ring as T’Chalala stands by her side, hand on her waist and eyes gleaming and smiling proudly.

But maybe she should explain why she’s so surprised it’s not you standing there in Nakia’s coveted spot, ebxt to the king of Wakanda himself.

Shuri may not be the most emotional person, but she knows her brother. Or, well, she thoguth she did.

She culd see his attraction for you. The hushed whispers and gigglles, lunch dates and such. The way he looked at you. How could she not have thought that he had fallen for you?

And you were no better. You were a bit more subtle in your flirtaiton than T’Challa was, but it was still there.

And, okay, yes. She’d overheard your covnersation where the two fo you agreed to be friendly, but see where it goes. And she’d thoguht it ws going so well- flowers, complimment, discssions where the norm between the two of you, and it finally seemed that T’Challa was on to someone else that wasn’t, well… Nakia.

But she sees that she was wrong. She was oh, so wrong.

Shuri can deal with being wrong. She’s intelligent, but not all kowing. She knows this. She can forgive herself for the mistake…

But not the mismatch.

Because if she never would have hatched that plan to get the two of you together, you never would have had had your heart broken. You wouldntbe standing next to the table with your glass of champagne, staringa t the happy couple a\s everyone congratulates them.

Shuri sets her cup of water down, gliding over to you, abnormally timid for her.

‘’Hey,’’ you smile at your psuedo-yuonge-sister as she approaches you, ‘’What’s up?

‘’I’m sorry. I-I… I am sos oarry. Had I known,’’ she motions over to T’Challa and Shuri, ‘’I never would have… I-’’

‘’Shuri,’’ you set your glass on the table, taking both of her hands in yuors, ‘’None of this in your fault. T’Challa and I are adults, and things simply didn’t work out. I don’t want you blaming yourself for any of this.’’

‘’I know that, but… still. If I had never…’’

‘’Shuri, it was a mistake. We all made it. Now, I know you think that the world revolves around you, but that does not mean that you need to carry the weight of it on your houlders.’’

Shuri smiles at your joke, the first real smile since the news of the engagment brokw.

‘’You are one of a kind.’’

‘’I know,’’ you nudge her gently, ‘’Now go talk to your brother. Congratulate him, Shuri.’’

Shuri nods then, skipping off to speak to her brtoher and his fiancee’.

You’re rihgt. She shouldn’t be carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Because it already feels like you are.

Mismatches

‘’To be fair, you’re too coolf or T,’’ Erik nods toward where T’Challa and Nakia are speaking to M’Baku and his wife.

‘’You’re just sayingt hat becasue you don’t like him,;’’ you roll your eyes.

‘’I’m saying it because it’s true,’’ Erik mends, looking to where M’Baku, Nakia, and T’Challa are all laughing at somethign that M’Baku’s wife said, ‘’Something fishy is going on here.’’

‘’Nothing fishy is going on here, Erik. T’Challa is royalty, and I’m not. He loves Nakia, and I’m not here. We were jut friends. And even though I thought things could have worked out, they didn’t,’’y ou shrug, struglging tos eem nonchalant about the matter.

‘’Whatever you say,’’ Erik sighs, understanding that you no longer wish to discuss this, ‘’But, hey… you’re not as annoying as him. So if you need to talk, I am here for you.’’

‘’Thanks, Erik. I really appreciate that,’’ you smile at him, ‘’Now, go flirt wiht that girl over there. Tony Stark’s imprentice. The girl has been looking at you all night.’’

You adn Erik both glance to where Tony is standing wiht his own fiancee’ and his imprenticce, Monique, who is flipping her box braids over her shoulders.

‘’Don’t mind if I do,’’ he smirks before sliding off to talk to her.

And once again, you’re left alone to look at the couple.

If acceptance really is a road- it is- then it can bea bumpy road. Because you’re looking at T’Challa with his perfect mathc, while you were nithing but a mismatch. And it’s fine. It is. Not everything is meant ot turn out the way we want them to, and that’s fine.

That doesn’t stop it from hurting.

So you decide to say good ngiht to Shuri, Ramonda, and Erik before retreating to your quarters for the night.

There’ you tuck away the secret that you hope only you, Eirk and SHuri know- you are so incredibly in lvoe with T’Challa Udaku, for so menay reasons.

But, little did you know, that he watched you go, sadness laced into the seams of hisown heart.

Because T’Challa has a secret, too.

And only time will reveal what that is.

@ashanti-notthesinger @destinio1 @afraiddreamingandloving @starsshines-blog @airis-paris14 @syreanne @chaneajoyyy @90sinspiredgirl @shemiahsmelanin @zillmonger @skysynclair19 @marvelpotterlove @constantlycravingtheunknown @imaginewhoever @wakanda-inspired @pocmarvelworks @theunsweetenedtruth @dreampovx @adrioola21 @supremethunda @thisiskayesworld @mcusocialimagines @priya212  @kumkaniudaku  @airis-paris14 @alexundefined @fonville-designs   @mellowjellow6 @omg-itsnadi @maddiestudentwritergaines @dadinhas-heat @jozigrrl @kaykay0829 @nerd-lovely @babygotl01292003 @oceanscorazon @id-rather-be-an-outsider er @determinednot2fall

DISCLAIMERS- I do not own any Marvel Characters or their fictional worlds, countries, planets, galacxies, cities, etc

[sleepymouses]

ah man, so many things been going on, and mental health wise over the last year or so i’ve been Notgood and v dissociative and generally felt like i loser drowning in the void if that makes any sense idk.. just been doing a lot of drifting out, probs started as a coping mechanism, now i cant make it stop, yikers :/

anyays, quick bullet points of recent events, some awful, some not, just all significant stuff that been floating around in my head or whatever

(would probob not rec reading this, v all over the place and probs Upsetting to read outta context of being me, lol)

major family shit been going on

like stepdad of 12 years revealing himself to be the absolute scum of the universe, having an affair in all the worst ways, lying so, so much and being cruel and manipulative and shit beyond belief, some shit i’d already felt but so my mum and he are splitting up and thats been so much emotionally, mentally, and very much so financially :/

keeping my fingers crossed for that going well, my mum and brother have been thru so much already, fuck, i feel so bad and also terribly inept w comforting, never know just what to say or do, hope im not making things any worse at least (which is a v valid worry ;/ )

got into both schools i applied to, picked one somehow, worried about getting into debt

going to be moving out to a big city for that this fall, which is incredibly new and scary and exciting, i hope i’ll be ok

tbh my main worry with how i’ll do with that is the still not rlly diagnosed chronic pain in my hands/wrists that i haven felt releif in for actual years, and i honestly fucking terrifying bc what if im just pretending it’ll go away someday and my hands are actually fucked forever?

my abuser of like 10 years died a couple days ago, not sure how to feel about that, had been kind of expecting it for a while as he was old and in bad health

just mostly hoping ppl dont try and tell me to mourn him or anything, i dont think i’ll ever hate another person i knew personally as much as him, he was awful, but at least now i hope i wont have to think about him and freak out, always get nightmares when i do :/

i do intend to do a lot of important big adulting things soon, going to try and get back into therapy, for real this time, and other stuffs.

as i write this, i just got back home today after a really lovely 3wk vacation in mexico, have a house down there that we have to sell bc of all the shit going on now, which is really sad bc my mum put so much of her heart into it and making it feel like home and everything, but still it was a rlly good trip, im only sorry my stepdad ruined it all for my mum

i needed the break so bad, fuckie, like i been #dyin and feeling so awful, had mental breakdown at work right before i left, fuckin nightmare man, also with school i dont think ill be doing much anything like a vacation for a couple years at least, and even after that, who knows?

i know if i let myself think about elationships and my friendships i’ll get way depressed, feel such distance with so many people i used to feel so close to, and of course it’s my fault somehow, even admitting ive had a hard time with  life in general only seemed to make things worse, made me feel further apart, but then... they all seem to be doing so well, so realizing i really havent been missed at all doesnt make me feel very good about trying agian if that makes sense, like my self confidence been getting so notgreat that realizing so many of my convos with other ppl consist of “read” messages from myself that were never responded to, like i know if i could see this from a perspective that wasnt my own, i’d be being a dumbass of some sort, but honestly it makes me feel so awful that i cant bring my self to bother these ppl again

  who know, i dont even know if im making sense, jsut trying my best to get the chaos in my head unscrambled at least a lil, data is fuckered up so bad it makes the readings ridIculous triyng to read

idk, lot of this is probs big olde pile of garbage nonsense as is often the case when i try to organuze my thoguths, and tbh i wouldnt think much of anyhting, im like.. mostly fine, partially really great in some ways really, just..

everything’s so much, man.

#hella personal pls doont rebllg im just putting my thoughts out there cos i dont like em being trapped in my head #cws for.. idk all the things family shit infidelity brain junk tfff depressed shit anxiety lies idk #also death and abuse and relationship shit idk jsut many random things #lotta junk #go away heather #personal #as usual this wasnt the post i intended to make but whatever im never here anyways pls feel free to ignore this all #anyways like i said im going to therapy soon and whoo boy i got bucketloads of stuff to sort thru #but having a proffessional help me with it honesltly im exciteddd #also hey im back from 3wk vacay woo hoo

[fan-fantasies]

I’d Rather Look At You

Please enjoy some Bucky fluff- Heather @livingthefand0mlife

Warnings: Like one swear..also this is really long and probably sucks. 

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

You had moved to New York City in hopes of living your dream as a top notch journalist about a year ago now. However, you were stuck behind a desk all day writing about which Kardashian has the biggest ass. You were quite good at your job but it wasn’t fulfilling your dreams. And while you loved the fast pace of the city that never sleeps, it gets tiring and you miss home often. Back in your hometown things were so slow that you felt like you were stuck in time, and now you couldn;t keep your head on straight with how fast the world was moving around you.

One thing you could find solace in was the stars.

Sure the lights in the city didn’t make for the best stargazing possible but, armed with your telescope your mom sent you for your birthday, you made the most of what you had. You managed to sweet talk your landlord to giving you a key to the rooftop which provided a lovely view of the night sky. It was nothing compared to the clear nights at home, but it was enough to get you by. Each night you’d carry your telescope up to the roof with a blanket and settle in your favorite spot. Your building was tall but nothing was taller than the Avengers Tower. It often blocked your view but you didn’t complain. Another person not complaining about the tower was Bucky Barnes.

Bucky sat out on his balcony most nights looking up at the sky. Sometimes he would spend all night out there, chasing away the images that terrorized him when he closed his eyes. Sam noticed this after passing by his open door one night and saw him sitting on his balcony. The next night Bucky entered his room to find a telescope sitting on his bed, no note or anything to hint at who left it. He thought maybe Steve had dropped it off but he knew the answer the next morning when Sam was extra sarcastic with him, trying to hide the affection he harbored.

Night after night Bucky would find himself looking at the stars, searching for the constellations that were in season. One night he accidentally knocked his telescope down and his sight landed on something peculiar. At first, he thought maybe he caught his reflection in a shiny building but then he realized it was a rooftop and there was a woman using a telescope to look at him! He was shocked and felt like his privacy had been invaded when he saw you looking up at the tower. Surely you must’ve been spying on him!

You, however, were not even slightly aware that James Buchanan Barnes was now watching you. You heard that there was a meteor shower tonight and it just happened to be in the direction of the tower. You aimed your scope nearly right at the tower but it was enough to see the show. As it was getting later in the night the city seemed to darken a bit, even the tower had turned the lights off for the night. Something shining in the dark caught your eye. It was just a small flicker but it was enough to get your attention, You angled your telescope slightly lower and peered in. Much to your surprise, there was someone on the balcony of the tower looking back at you. You weren’t quite sure how to feel. You were shocked and also kind of creeped out, but also intrigued. What if one of the earth’s mightiest heroes was watching you? What if it was just some sleezy intern getting his rocks off by it? You were way too curious to just call it a night. You looked back again and saw the moonlight bouncing off of what could ony be described as a metal arm. It all clicked: the Winter Soldier was looking at you! You weren’t scared, just curious as to why he was watching you. 

The two of you stared at each other for what seemed like hours until you decided to do something. You pulled out your phone and turned the flash on and off a few times to signal him. A few moments later and you received the same flash pattern. Bucky didn’t know what made him respond but something inside of him was curious to see what would happen. It was getting late so you decided to go back inside before you’d lose enough sleep to make you a zombie at work the next morning. You flashed your phone to make sure he was looking then you waved. He waved back and you smiled to yourself. You fell asleep with the hope that this was just the beginning of whatever that just was. 

Your hopes were correct as the next few nights the metal armed man was on his balcony, ready to flash you (with his phone!). This carried on for a couple weeks. Sometimes he would be gone for a night, probably out saving the world, but you were there light clockwork, all until you got sick from spending time out in the chilly night air. Bucky was worried the first night you didn’t show, but he figured you fell asleep early or something like that. His worry increased over the next two nights that you were a no show. His friends could notice that something was wrong but they couldn’t figure out what it was. Missions had been nothing but successful and nothing else was really happening within their social circle. The only person who knew something, but said nothing, was Tony. Tony knew everything that happened in his tower so naturally he found out when a certain super soldier was flashing one of the neighbors. When he did some snooping and found out that this girl was not a threat, he decided it was best to just leave it alone, but when he noticed that Bucky wasn’t acting right, he decided he should say something. 

“Hey, Tin Man, got a minute?” He asked. Bucky looked at the clock and noticed that it was almost 9 and that he would be going to his balcony soon to see if the mystery lady would be there tonight. “Have a hot date with the telescope girl?” 

“What?” Bucky was mortified that someone had found out about his secret. He wasn’t ashamed of her or anything, more of himself for being so weird. A normal person would never have been watching her in the first place. 

“Look, I know you’ve been having this weird relationship with the telescope lady across the street. I noticed her a while back when she first moved in, I mean I thoguth she was a horrible spy and was trying to gather intel. Once I realized she wasn’t a threat and just wanted to watch the stars I started to turn off the lights. Tell aynone that and I’ll kill you. Anyway, I saw you were flashing her so I decided to do some more snooping and found out which apartment she lives in.”

“Tony, that’s so invasive!” Buck chewed his lip, curiosity eating away at him as he couldn’t take his eyes off of the slip in Tony’s hand. Tony raised an eyebrow at him and he snatched it from him .

“Y/N Y/L/N Apt. 4B” 

“I’m gonna go for a run,” Bucky said half-heartedly, walking right past Tony who had a small smirk on his face. Bucky did run; he ran across the street and over to your building. He stopped when he was on the second flight of stairs. What was he doing?! He couldn’t help but think this was some stalker shit and you would probably think that he had showed up to kill you. Maybe that’s why you stopped going to the roof; you found out who he was and what he had done and you were so scared that you stopped going up. Maybe your husband found out what you were doing and put a stop to it. So many scenarios were flashing through his head as he neared your floor. Nervousness ate away at him as he walked up toy our door. He knocked three times and waited. He could hear shuffling on the other side and the sliding of a chain lock. His breath was taken away when he finslaly got a good look at you. You were in your pjs and a fluffy white robe, your Y/H/C hair was up in a messy bun and you were looking up at him with wide eyes. 

“Hi,” he finally got out. He smiled, or at least he thought he was smiling, he couldn’t really feel his face. 

“Hi,” you sniffled. His heart began to race as he realized just how beautiful you were, even if you were sick. 

“If I had known you were sick I would’ve brought you some soup.” 

“How did you know where I live?” You asked. You were startled for two reasons; one being that he knew where you live, two being he was so handsome up close. Your face was flushed not only because of the cold, but because you were nervous around attractive men. 

“Um my friend Tony..Stark.. told me..” he stuttered. Maybe this was a bad idea after all, maybe he was being too creepy. 

“Oh um ok? Well I’ve been sick, which is why I haven’t been on the roof, which is why you’re here, I’m assuming,” you smiled hopefully. 

“Yes, actually, I was worried and wanted to make sure you were okay,” Bucky shifted uncomfortably, hoping he wasn’t overstepping. 

“That’s so sweet,” you smiled. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that smile light up your face. “Do you want to come in?”

“Sure,” he couldn’t contain the smile that broke out on his face. 

“I wish I wasn’t so sick so we could go look at the stars together,” you sighed. What came next was faint, but you knew you heard it even through your stuffy head. You heard Bucky whisper, 

“I think I’d rather look at you.”

#bucky barnes #james barnes #the winter soldier #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fluff #fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #bucky x reader #all the fluff #this probably sucks #im sorry #writing

[rimalovegood]

A few years ago it was common to hear about the great solidarity of chilean people, helping each other on times of crisis...that mindset was quickly replaced by news claiming how selfish and violent our society was becoming...

But since the goverment unleashed the violence on the streets I got yet again to see that first apreciation, to the media insists on focusing on the second one...

I’ve seen both students and professionals of health related careers running around with their implements to help the injured during protests...

I’ve seen all kind of people offering masks, water and stuff to relieve the effects of tear gas

I’ve seen people who barely know each other in my dorm worrying about each other....do we all have food? who hasn’t come home tonight? asking us if we go to the protests we share our location and counting who is home and who isn’t once the curfew starts.

And as an autistic people, I discovered I’m not as alone as I ever thoguth I was....

I don’t really hate anyone on my class but there is this 2 girls I’ve clash opinions with more than once... if a week ago someobody had told me I would be protesting alongside them I wouldn’t have beleive it....neither would I have imagined they would protect me like they did...

Not many people know I’m autistic...only my closest friends, because you never know how people will react... 

that’s why when one of the girls invited to the protest I was as vague as I could on telling her there was a high chance of me getting a panic attack in crowded enviroments...she understood and let me be, but when the next day I told her I wanted to try anyways she was the most comprehensive...

she promised to never leave me alone...

whenever police threw tear gas she would grab my hand while we run so we didn’t get separated...

she asked the rest of the group to stand on the back, far from the thicker crowd on my behalf, never revealing what I told her in confidence evne thought I never used the word autism

she even checked periodically how I was doing both physically and emotionally

And when the situation started becoming overwhelming, the whole group we were in left and they refused to leave alone till we were back to university from where I could safely go home.

As we were walking the other girl approached and asked me what was wrong, this time I told the truth and there was absolutely no judging nor pity on her response, at all... she asked me questions about it but she told me it was ok if I didn’t want to answer, she told me about her depression and anxiety too and how the current situation has also been affecting her.

It’s horrible that my country has to go throught this but at least made me realize I’m sorrounded by good people

#rima being rima #i got a little carried away #but the situation in my country is really getting overwhelming #after this I'll probably return with my usual reblog because I need to take my head out of this

[19margaret93]

Marathon (This Post and Other Lengthy Experiences)

Yesterday, I did the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I guess that shows how lucky I am in life, that running a simple marathon was seriously the most I’ve ever been challenged. This is something that I’ve been working towards for over 2 years, something that I’ve always dreamed of doing, and let me tell you, the actual experience was the furthest I’ve ever been from my dreams. 

I was a complete idiot and decided to get Mum and Dad involved. Sure, it was nice to vent to them about running things throughout the training, but honestly, that's as far as the niceties of that stretched. I got up at 4:40 so that we could leave by 5. Dad had only gotten about 3 hours of sleep, so of course he was pretty tired and angry, as only Dad could be. Mum slept through all of her alarms and Dad nearly left without her, so it was certainly a joyous ride down to D.C. There I was, sitting in the front seat, Waze propped open on my lap, nervously gnawing at a peanut butter roll, fending off Brodie, and just wanting to be at the start line to get all of this over with. I can’t remember, the last time I felt that nervous. Seriously. Probably when I interviewed at Freedom, but even then, it was kind of my last shot, so I just kind of winged it, and hoped for the best. 

Anyway, we get to Crystal City (not before Dad legitimately loses his mind about all of the roads being shut, and actually convinced me at some point that I wouldn’t make it to the start line), and we start standing in line for the bus to come and get us. Despite this large, elaborate queue that had been set up, people were just ignoring it and jumping on any available bus. This meant that we were basically standing in line for nothing. I finally got on a bus around 7:40, and I started getting pretty nervous because I still wasn’t at the start line, and the race was starting in 15 minutes. We saw the opening antics happen while we were on the 5 minute bus ride, that ended up dropping us off right outside the Pentagon. This was still over a mile from the start line. This meant that even if we walked, we wouldn’t make the start of the race. I knew that my corral wasn’t supposed to start until 8:20, so I knew I had a little bit of time. I went to the bathroom and then started jogging to the start, as it was already past 8:10 by this point. I was so frustrated to have gotten up at fucking 4 am and still missed the start of the race. I kept walking on through until I reached the official start line, and then just like that, I was off. 

This hectic start made me realise that I had no clue about who was around me and what their pacing would be. I was able to stick to my walk/run routine pretty early though, as it was nice and spaced out by the time I finally started. I was nervous though for sure, as I had no idea of my pacing and if I was keeping under the required 14 minutes. So I just kept running at a pace that felt right. The first few miles being up hills kind of sucked, by mile 4 was legit the best. It was mostly downhill and the first time that the crowd kind of spread out a little more. I also saw a bunch of guys peeing, so that kind of relaxed me in a weird way. Miles 3-5 were actually pretty fast, as there was a lot going on, and a good amount of spectators. Then Rock Creek Parkway came about. 

Although, not hilly or mountainous, Rock Creek Parkway was an absolute bore to run. You run ever so slightly downhill for two miles, and then run the other way that is obviously slightly uphill. I just hate when race courses do that, as it just makes the first part seem so pointless. It was at this wrap around point that I saw a couple of important things. One, I saw the “Beat the Bridge” Pacer. I knew that as long as I kept a good distance from her, then I would be able to finish the race. I wasn’t feeling too tired yet, but it was certainly difficult to get to mile 6 of a race, and still know that I had over 20 miles left. That was when the obstacles in my brain started crowding in. Another thing that I noticed was that I saw the last girl who was running the race. There were two marines with her to try and help her through it, but there was a look of pure agony on her face, and a line of traffic directly behind her. Many aplauded her, but I honestly just felt so bad for her. She was the woman I was terrifed to be. Anyway, I kept plugging along, and thankfully my right foot didn’t have any pain whatsoever. That was the part that I think, upon reflection, that was hardest part. Most of my physical body held up, it was really just my mind. 

Around mile 10, I started to have some doubts. My body was certainly starting to feel tired, and my legs were starting to get sore. Now, this had happened in trainign, so I was ready for that, but I was just nervous. I thought, I could do 10 more miles for sure, but 16...that’s asking a lot. So on I plodded. I tried to make sure that I didn’t walk to much (unless I just completely fucked up refueling, which did happen at a few points), and tried to stay as positive as possible. I went through the blue mile, and it started to become more of an effort to stop the walking and start the running. I got to the halfway point, and after that, every mile seemed like a fucking battle. I’m not joking at all. It’s so weird to sit and casually think about this, as in the moment, I genuinely thoguth I was going to die. Then of course, I started to panic again. How was I feeling this shitty at mile 14?? I had 12 to go, and I couldn’t think like this. Trouble was, I couldn’t think of anything else either. I’ve never felt more trapped while running before in my life. I felt my pace begin to fall, and each step became a little bit harder. By mile 15, I was ready for the whole thing to be done. And I still had over 10 miles to go. I started panicking. 

I eventually started telling myself that if I could just make it to mile 20, and beat the bridge, then I would allow myself to walk a little more. I was desperate. I needed something to look forward to. I walked a little bit more before each water station, and actually started taking the Gatorade they were handing out. That really helped. I think I needed more salt to stop my legs from seizing up so much. Anyway, I was getting desperate by mile 16. And that’s when I saw them. Mum, Dad, Maddy, Brodie, Becca, and Ellie. I was so happy and near tears; I couldn’t let them down. These poor people had given up their days for this. I could’t let them down. As I ran past them, I wanted to throw up so bad. I wanted to get the anxiety out of my body once and for all. Dad, who had 3 hours of sleep, had a plane to catch, had a meeting bright and early the next morning, who wanted to run this so bad, but couldn’t because of an injury was standing there, trying not to look as pissed as he was about the parking clusterfuck and how the whole thing had gone so far.  Maddy, who had driven all the way up from Charlottesville that morning just to see this race. She’s got an extra 4 hours of her life taken away, plus all the time she spent with my family, and next to Becca who she knows isn’t super fond of her. Then there’s Mum, who’s been putting up with Dad all morning, and still not feeling great as she was woken up that morning with Dad just straight yelling at her. She gave me a blue, knitted ear warmer to wear at the race. As it was pure wool, it was pretty much too hot to wear from the very beginning, but let me tell you, as those miles continued to increase, so did my firm grasp on that blue knitwear. I couldn’t let it go. I just kept thinking, “I need to get back to the woman who made this”. And then Becca. Becca who had no real reason to come down at all, woke up bright and early on a Sunday morning, drove down to DC with Ellie, on a very cold and near rainy day to legit camp out Mile 16 to cheer me on. I can’t believe she did that, and I won’t ever forget it. No matter what happens in the future, I will never, ever forget she did that for me. Ian would have joined her had he gotten the messages, and it was the thought that counts on that one. They were all there at mile 16 cheering me on, and I knew I couldn’t disappoint them. 

The next mile was the gauntlet, and I had to get to that point by 12:30; I got there by 12. I knew that I had 30 minutes up my sleeve, but I knew that wasn’t enough to walk as I had planned after mile 20. It had been what was keeping me going the last 3 miles, I couldn’t give up now. As I passed through the gauntlet, I breathed a small sigh of relief. And so I kept going. Every mile was another reason to stop, to just walk the rest of it, to give up, to turn around and run another way, to go to a medic tent and have them cart me back. Finally I found mile 20, but I was near the end of my mental ability. I refilled my pack on the bridge, and knew that even if I walked the rest, I would make it. I started walking a lot more, which I hated every step of. I knew that my time would be atrocious, I felt as though I hadn’t trained a day in my life and I was so angry at myself. How could I have let this happen? How could I be this badly bruised? I was in so much pain, and was so emotionally tired, that I couldn’t even dwell on these thoughts. I just kept going. As I crossed through mile 21, my legs had completely seized up, I was just trudging through now. My walk was actually slower than my run. I felt like I was jogging in place and everything was on fire. 

At mile 22, I found the “Beat the Bridge” pacer and tried to keep to her pace. Strangely enough, I wasn’t physically tired. I had enough in the tank to actually keep running straight miles with no walking. Honestly, it was just the pain in my legs and the mental problem that I had. I didn’t think I could do it. That was what plagued my run from the very start. I never thought I could actually do it. I couldn’t keep pace with that group for more than a mile, and I was back to walking. I reached mile 24 and the tears were coming free and fast. I know that they weren’t actually from running the marathon and having that dream come true, but the pure desire “Please let this end. Please let this end soon. I can’t keep doing this. I need this to end.” I couldn’t have tried a positive mantra even if I had wanted to. 

When mile 25 came I started running without stopping. I had walked so much that I was so slow even as a jog. I was clocking in at 14 miles, but I didn’t care. I knew relief was soo close and I couldn’t stop. I could hear the booming from the finish line’s microphone, the bands that were planning at the finish coral. I knew it was close. I was going to make it. Even if I had to crawl over the line, I was going to make it. I didn’t care about pace or appearance, I just didn’t want to die; it was survival mode. I looked at my watch, disabled the interval timer, and saw that I had already passed the 26.2 mark on my watch. I was so angry to know that I had ran all of these extra miles and I just kept pushing. I walked a little bit more in mile 25, and then I saw it. I saw the hill. The hill that we had to run to get our medal. This is the hill I heard about, talked about, read about since day one of this race. I knew this is what I had to do. I started my slow jog again for the last time. I put every piece of physical energy, I was going to run it. That was the promise I had made to myself. No matter what happened throughout the entire race, I was going to run this bitch. As I’m getting to the top, I see my dad, and I yell to say hi. He’s angry because he coudln’t take a picture and he told me to stop. I yelled, “Are you serious?” I mean I was at the end of my rope here. I had gone through 6 hours of horrific stress and now when I’ve found the last bit of strength, you’re going to ask me to stop to pose for a picture. I honestly didn’t trust myself if I had to stop. Dad was so angry that he couldn’t get a picture at the finish line. I think this was my favourite part of the race. It was personal. It was just for me. Dad couldn’t embarass me with a picture, no one could get mad at me. It was just me and the marine handing me the medal. 

I continued to walk through the line of marines, who were just shoving things into my hands. This started to drive me crazy, I just wanted to sit and go home and rest. That’s all I wanted. I called Mum and Dad to link up with them, but found that Dad was very angry after the whole event, and when he told me that they were near the family link up spot, I thought I should head over there. This led to me sitting on a curb, shivering for about 20 minutes waiting for them to find me. When they told me that the walk to the car was another hour away, I genuinely nearly cried. I was in so much pain, I just wanted to stop. Dad just wanted to tell me that:

1. The whole day was the most frustrating thing he had ever experienced. 

2. It was a huge let down from the very beginning. 

3. Why was my pace so off? I had trained for this so why couldn’t I deliver. What had gone wrong? 

4. This was the last one that I’m ever doing and that it wasn’t worth everything. It was so stressful and horrible that nothing worked. 

He was mad about the fact that he had ran up to the start line (NO ONE ASKED HIM TO DO THIS AND I TEXTED HIM TO TELL HIM I HAD ALREADY CROSSED) and he had missed me. That he had to keep moving the car, and that by moving the car, he had to sit in traffic for 2  hours. That he never got a picture of me. And that everything was horrible. Mum confirmed this, and Maddy was equally stressed. She asked, “What did you walk the whole thing? You took forever”. So with a crushed and bruised ego, I took the car ride home. 

I had all of these plans to post about my marathon. I had the picture ready to go with my great jacket (which everyone basically judges me for), I had the inspirational post ready to go. I was so excited. After yesterday, I don’t want to ever talk about it again. I had a really rough run, and everyone had the worst day of their lives. The disappointment in me and the race was real, and I regretted getting them involved at all. It was nice what they did for me, it really was. But, it pretty much ruined the whole thing. So this will be the only post I do. I don’t want to talk about it with my kids or colleagues, my friends, or family. I just want to forget about it. It really wasn’t worth talking about. I underperformed MASSIVELY and basically ruined everyone’s day. There’s no reason to talk about it. People do much harder things everyday, and I guess I’m glad that I know I’m not cut out for the longer runs. I’ll just focus on the half marathon battle, if only to avoid the stress of the morning alone. That was one of the worst parts by far. So, like most things, I hyped it up in my head and it let everyone down. Back to work tomorrow, back to reality.