#This is what happens if you leave hawke in the fade I refuse to believe anything else | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fanfoolishness · 2 years

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under a new morning sun (3/?)

Turns out, being trapped in the Fade isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Rogue Min Hawke learned this at Adamant. Luckily for her, her lover Varric Tethras refused to believe that she was really gone.

Varric rescued Hawke from the Fade with the help of the Inquisition, but there were consequences. Spending time in the physical Fade has left them Fade-touched: Varric is now a dwarf who can dream, and Hawke has developed mage abilities. Together, they’ve returned to Kirkwall for a well-deserved rest.

Old estrangements, new powers, and ghosts from the past make for a homecoming that doesn’t exactly go as planned, even as the Inquisition’s mission marches on and Kirkwall struggles to rebuild. Hawke must find a way to master her newfound magic and strike a path forward with family, friends and Varric at her side.

Chapter 1: Rearranged | Chapter 2: Making the Rounds

Chapter 3: in the evening hour

“I’ve gotten better at cooking, you know,” said Hawke, peering at the market stalls in Hightown, searching for something for dinner. She paused over a tray of Orlesian cheeses, breathing deeply in the cool fall air. “Though sometimes, it’s the simple things in life that are best. Bread and cheese for a first course tonight?”

“I’m happy for anything that isn’t hardtack,” said Varric. “The last few days of the journey here were getting pretty grim. You know it’s bad when an eel pie at the Hanged Man feels like a decadent treat.”

“Well, once I get settled, I’ve got some ideas. Ooh, that looks lovely.” She peered at a display of goat cheeses and fresh butter. “There’s an Antivan recipe I want to try for a second course. Needs loads of spices but it’s absurdly good. We’ll see if they’ve got anything close here.”

“What’s this? A Fereldan, talking about spices? I’ve never heard the like,” said Varric.

“Come off it, you,” Hawke laughed. “I know I might have been a rubbish cook before -- I mean, I’d never really learned how -- but I’ve gotten more adventurous. You know the first thing I learned to make on my own?”

“Besides Kirkwall Surprise?” asked Varric. He made a face.

She chuckled. “I’ve come a long way since those Sundermount trips, Varric. No, the first thing was roasted rabbit, with herbed new potatoes.”

He considered. “Sounds fancy.”

“Anders and I were desperate,” she said, shrugging. “We hadn’t seen any game for ages, and were down to one last packet of hardtack with two days to the next town. Molossus saved the day, brought us a brace of rabbits. Anders wasn’t… well, you know how he was, leading up to what happened, and it was worse, after.” She sighed, handing over a beautiful little goat cheese adorned with chestnut leaves for the cheesemonger to wrap up. “So I tried to do something to cheer us up. I thought, really thought, of how my dad and Carver used to do roast rabbit and chicken back in Lothering. I cleaned them myself. Sniffed every plant around camp until I came up with rosemary and elfroot and thyme.”

She handed the cheesemonger a silver and slipped the wrapped cheese into her bag, heading to the next market stall where Seheron peppers, Rivaini maize and Fereldan potatoes spilled forth in huge tubs. She bundled together a few of the huge Fereldan potatoes, giving the stallkeeper a handful of coppers, but also picked up a few of the sharp, spicy peppers.

“Anders saw that I was really trying, so he started looking around, too. I thought he was crazy to pull up a bunch of green stems, but when I realized they were potatoes I was so excited. He got the fire properly hot enough with a bit of magic, and I was just guessing on the cooking times, really, but do you know, it’s one of the best meals I’ve ever had in my life.”

Varric glanced up at her. “You miss him, being back here.” There was no hint of jealousy on his broad, open face: just a quiet understanding, something that made her love him even more.

Hawke smiled fondly. “I miss everyone. I know Fenris has to do what he’s got to do in Tevinter, and Isabela is glad to be free with her ship. And I’ll always care for Anders, even if it’s all very complicated.” She let out a long sigh. “There were good times, despite everything, with all of them.”

“That’s Kirkwall in general.” He reached out, brushing his gloved hand against her arm, and she leaned into his touch.

Yes. Good times despite everything. That was Kirkwall all over.

***

Varric turned the key in the lock, opening up the front door to the Hawke estate. Hawke had made some noise about needing to carry the foodstuffs and being unable to get to her key, but Varric wondered if she’d remembered to bring it with them this morning at all. He couldn’t blame her. It was bound to take some getting used to, being back.

They were greeted by the scent of a fire in the hearth. Hawke stiffened, then set the sack of food down on the hallway bench. “Bethany?” she called. “Is that you?” She kept onward to the sitting room, and was abruptly bowled over by a big brown blur that brought her to her knees. “Molossus!” She wrapped her arms around the vast Mabari, weeping gratefully into his fur.

Varric followed, crouching down beside them and patting the old dog on the head. Molossus’ muzzle, once coal-black, was now snowy white, and his eyes were rheumy and gray. The bulk of him had shrunk some with the years, and Varric could now pick out the shadow of his spine beneath the glossy fur, but the nub of his tail wagged as furiously as ever as he slobbered all over Min’s face.

“Good to see the old boy,” said Varric. “I wonder if he’s still any good at Diamondback?”

“Was that you who taught him that?” asked Bethany, coming in from the drawing room. “You know, he’s getting better about his tells in his old age. I’ve been very impressed with him.”

“Bethany!” Hawke crowed, extricating herself from the floor and the still-wagging Mabari. She grinned at her sister and hugged her, closing her eyes and resting her head on Bethany’s shoulder.

Bethany returned the hug until the elder Hawke laughed in protest. “You’ll squish me to death!” The two sisters embraced for a moment before Hawke pulled back, wiping her eyes. “It’s been too long,” she said fiercely.

“Too long by far,” said Bethany. She let out a long sigh. “Did you two get in all right?”

“Yes, yes. We only ran into a few nests of bandits on the way, and we were more than enough for them. But what about you? You went after those darkspawn alone?”

“Not completely alone. Molossus was with me,” said Bethany. “I know he’s getting on in years, but he’s still quite the keen watchdog. There weren’t many. Just enough to be a problem for the colony on the Wounded Coast.”

“Colony?” Varric asked, raising his brows. “What are we talking? More Tal-Vashoth?”

Bethany shook her head. “There’s a small group of mages that escaped from the Circle living out there. They’ve built a small village in some of the more secluded areas, and without the templars to harass them, they seem to be doing quite well for themselves. But they’re mostly healers. Darkspawn were new to them, and I wanted to teach them how to handle themselves, should the beasts make another excursion here.”

“You’re all right, then?” asked Hawke, a tinge of anxiety sneaking into her voice. Varric sidled up beside her, brushing his arm against hers.

“Min, I’m a Warden,” said Bethany, her eyes tightening. “I know what I’m about.” The tension in her expression faded, and she turned to Varric, fixing him with a piercing gaze. “Anyway, we’ve got more exciting things to talk about than blasted Darkspawn. Varric Tethras. Seducing my sister. So you finally told her how you felt, is that it?”

Varric groaned, clapping a hand over his face, feeling his ears blaze red. “Are you kidding me, Sunshine? Everyone knew? This is some kind of nightmare.”

“That embarrassed about being smitten with me, are you?” Hawke asked, laying a long arm across his shoulders and bending down to kiss the top of his head. “Why, a woman might feel slighted by that sort of admission.”

“Yes,” said Bethany, winking, “a real man would never hide his feelings for the love of his life. Perhaps his devotion isn’t quite what he makes it out to be --”

“Of course I’ve loved Hawke for years!” Varric burst out, holding up his hands. “I just didn’t want to overstep my bounds. If you might recall, she had eyes for someone else at the time, and I didn’t want to be that ‘friend’ trying to get in the way --”

Bethany giggled. “I’m only teasing, Varric. I couldn’t be happier for the both of you.” She hugged him. “But I seem to recall the way you’d gaze at her even before we left on the expedition, and as far as I’ve been told, it wasn’t until after that Min set her eye on Anders --”

“Quite right you are, sister,” said Hawke in one of the most serious tones he’d ever heard from her. “Quite right you are.”

“Oh sure,” said Varric. “Everyone pile on the dwarf.”

“No, I think if anyone’s going to be on you, that’s all Min,” said Bethany, deadpan.

Hawke laughed so hard she nearly cried, and Varric couldn’t help but laugh, too.

***

Hawke pushed her plate aside and rested her elbows on the dinner table, leaning forward. “Well, that was a meal and a half,” she said. Quite literally, as Bethany had also brought home some things for dinner, and they’d wound up cooking enough food for a small army. For a moment she thought of taking the leftovers over to the Chantry for food donation; there’d always been a few sisters that hung around in the evenings to receive meals to distribute in Lowtown.

Then she remembered all over again, and a frisson went through her. She swallowed.

“This’ll keep ‘til tomorrow, don’t you think?” she asked, staring down at the cookpot at the end of the table, still full of vast quantities of a beef ragout with tomatoes and prickleweed. It wasn’t the meal she’d picked out at the market. She’d carefully bundled the food she’d gotten and set it aside for later, not wanting to step on Bethany’s toes or dinner plans.

“It ought to. I make it a lot,” said Bethany. “At least now that autumn’s coming in and it’s not so hot anymore. I made the mistake of making it once in the heat of summer and it spoiled dreadfully. Eight Wardens were puking their guts out before we realized they’d gotten into it when we’d meant to throw it out….”

“I thought Wardens had iron constitutions,” cracked Varric.

“That’s what they say, isn’t it?” Bethany asked. Her smile quirked to one side, fading, and Hawke felt a sudden frantic urge to steer the conversation elsewhere.

“So Bethany. I was wondering… have you got any advice on dreams?” she asked hastily.

“It rather depends on what you’re looking for.”

“Well, I can’t say as I know,” said Hawke. “It usually seems as if the dream’s taken me by the arm and is insisting upon marching me ‘round the Fade. It’s… I don’t care for it, sister. How do you manage?”

Varric raised a gloved hand. “Fade-touched dwarf with human-like dreams over here. I might be interested in a little friendly advice myself.”

Bethany looked from one to the other of them. “You don’t recall what Dad used to say? ‘It’s about will.’”

Hawke shivered. They were the words Bethany had shouted to her within the Fade, the words she had used to guide her home to the point that Varric and the others could pull her free. Yet she had never remembered her father speaking them. They must have been words for Bethany alone.

“I don’t think he said it to Carver and me,” she said slowly. “You had your special lessons with him, and Carver and I would go off and do chores. I don’t recall him saying much at all about dreams, really.”

“Special. Right,” said Bethany, the words stretching, quivering in the tense air.

“I only meant --” Hawke let out a long huff of air. “You know what I mean. Carver and I used to get jealous of your time with Dad. Kid stuff. That’s all.”

Bethany chuckled, and the tension deflated. “Oh, Carver. I miss talking about him. It’s been lonely, you know. Only being around people who never knew him.” She closed her eyes, still wearing a faint, wistful smile. “There were so many times I could scarce believe we were related at all, let alone twins.”

“He was born contrary, truly,” said Hawke. With a start she remembered Varric sitting patiently at the end of the table, waiting for them to catch up on their Hawke-only conversation. “Perhaps all brothers are that way.”

“A verifiable fact, I’d say, as the born-contrary younger brother,” said Varric solemnly.

“Oh Varric, I'm sorry. Of course I wasn’t being terribly helpful to you.” Bethany pursed her lips. “Well, think of the Fade as a place where want, and need, and desire, are all very, very real. Your wants, and the wants of those spirits or demons that are trapped there. If you’re not a mage, the demons pick up on all those wants, and try to make a reflection of what’s in your mind. It’s garbled and mixed up and strange, but it’s all you, in the end, with a twist. It can’t hurt you, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

Varric took a drink of his wine, looking troubled.

“As for mages, like me…” Bethany took a deep breath. “-- and you, Min… Well, the wants -- the will -- you start to realize where you cast it. Where it takes you. You’re awake in a way that you aren’t, without magic. And that always stays on, sister. You can’t unring a bell like this, not once it’s been rung.” She reached out, gripping Hawke’s hand, and her grasp was far tougher than Hawke would have dreamed. “I’m sorry.”

Hawke curled her hand around her sister’s, trying not to tremble. “Nothing to be sorry about,” she said lightly. “I can use this. I can learn.” But she held Bethany’s hand tight, gripping it until her knuckles went pale.

***

Things felt awkward in Hawke’s bed that night. Somehow she was all elbows or knees or ankles, tossing and turning, unable to figure out a way to settle down. Varric lay there patiently, waiting for her to find a comfortable spot, not minding when she couldn’t seem to figure one out. At last she rolled onto her back and tilted her head to stare at him in the dark.

“Don’t you dare leave me, Varric Tethras.”

He reached up, tracing his fingers along her jawline. “So that came out of nowhere.”

She spluttered, rolling away from him. “Ugh. I know. I’m aware.” She hiked some of the covers over her head, then pulled them down again. “No, I know you’ve got to go back to the Inquisition at some point. You’ve given your word, after all, and words are your thing, and it’s the noble thing to do. It’s just… how am I to do this, Varric? Bethany hates me.”

Varric blinked. “Maybe it’s because I never had a sister, but I thought there was a distinct lack of death threats tonight… unless human sisters show hatred differently than dwarven siblings do.”

“You can’t just let me exaggerate in peace, can you? All right, fine, Bethany doesn’t hate me. But things are different between us, Varric. Ever since the thaig, and the Wardens. I don’t know that she’ll ever forgive me for it. I think she’s tried. I’m not sure it’s enough.” She flung her arm up over her face, taking deep breaths.

“Maybe she will, maybe she won’t,” said Varric. “But she’s here with you now, right?”

“Right…”

“So there’s a chance,” he said. “There’s time. If things are messed up, you still might be able to fix them. Why not give it a shot and see where it goes?”

I’m sorry, brother. The thought came unbidden, a knife in the dark. He closed his eyes.

“You’re right, of course,” she said quietly. She curled up against him, resting one hand over his heart, her fingers idly playing with the hair on his chest. “Do you ever wonder about Bartrand? If things might have been different?”

He held her close in the soft dark, brushed her hair with one slow hand. “You could tell I was thinking about him, huh?”

“You’re more of an open book that you know, storyteller,” she murmured.

He swallowed. “Sure I wonder. There’s a lot of regret to go around, about that thaig. Sunshine and Bartrand both paid prices. I still don’t know if --”

If I murdered my brother. Or if I saved him.

But that was a chapter he didn’t want to revisit, a tale he’d hoped he’d wrapped up years ago. He stroked her hair, trying to focus on its softness, the warmth of her against him in the covers. This was better. This was the chapter he wanted to linger in.

“It’s all right, Varric.” She kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being you. It helps. More than you know.”

“Huh. Imagine that.”

Chapter 4: The Message

#dragon age #hawke x varric #varric x hawke #varric tethras #dragon age: inquisition #under a new morning sun #min hawke #bethany hawke

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thescreamingraven · 3 years

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Promise 3

Dabi x reader

Genre/warnings: Fluff and angst, mentions of injury, swearing.

Words: 7 510

Summary: Trying to fix what’s broken is not always easy.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Hey, hey, so sorry this took so long I had a bit of a writers block but here it is, I’m thinking of doing part four soon. I think this turned out pretty well tho.

≿————-　❈　————-≾I

It was already quite dark outside, bright street lights added to the scenery as small snowflakes began to slowly decorate the sidewalks. Inside the cozy home, the smell of deliciously cooked food still lingered. It would’ve been a peaceful night if it weren’t for your loudly pouting son, who refused to listen to you.

“Enji told me I’m strong enough to come…” your son pestered you.

You put back one plate in the sink, looking down at the boy in front of you if you could call him that… he was soon going to be fourteen and in agreement with Endeavor will be starting U.A in only a couple of weeks. He was so eager to get into action that he wouldn’t stop pestering about letting him start patrols early.

You saw Hawks walking out of the bathroom with his hero suit on.

“Give the kid a chance Y/n, it’s not like he will be doing it alone.” he chirped.

“See, even Hawks agrees with me.”

You crossed your arms, and leaned on the kitchen counter, giving Hawks a death stare, which he tried to soften up with his casual smirk.

“It could be an early birthday present?” Your son suggested.

You sighed and let your hands fall in defeat, his puppy eyes taking a toll on you.

“Be back by midnight or you’re grounded.”

You could see his face light up with joy as he gave you the tightest hug imaginable.

You gave him an encouraging smile, before gesturing him to go get ready, as he was rushing to his room you shouted. “Don’t forget your jacket angel, it’s quite chilly tonight.”

“He’s grown up so fast…” Hawks walked closer to you and leaned on the counter.

“That he did…” you smiled before looking back at him. “Are you sure it’s safe? Criminal activity has skyrocketed recently and-”

“He’ll be fine, we won’t let anything happen to him… promise.” He gave your hand a light squeeze.

You both stayed silent for a moment before Hawks spoke yet again.

“So… when are we going to tell him?”

Your smile slowly faded away as you slipped your hand away from Hawks.

“Soon…”

“You’ve been saying that for almost 5 months now-”

Hawks was interrupted by an opening door from your son’s room as he quickly rushed back to the kitchen.

“Sorry to keep you waiting Hawks, you ready to go?”

Hawks concerned look was replaced by his usual wit and charm as he yammered.

“Always ready for you, kid.” He turned back to you. “We’re heading out.”

You nodded, saying a quick goodbye and getting back to the dishes you were doing.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Hawks quietly closed the front door and caught up to S/n, who was casually standing near the sidewalk. “Ready to fight crime?” Hawks asked as he approached him.

“Hell yeah I am, I still can’t believe she allowed me to go.”

“Your mom’s just worried about you, kid.”

“I know, but she can be a bit overbearing sometimes… I’m not five years old anymore, I can fight now…”

“It’s better to have that kind of parent than none at all.” Hawks murmured.

“I know.”

“Anyway… ready to go?”

“Hell yeah.” your son grinned.

“I like your enthusiasm, kid.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

It’s been fourteen years since that day….

You were sitting on a nearby chair near the receptionist, patiently waiting for Endeavor to arrive with your daughter. You thought about your conversation with Dabi and silently prayed that he would only make the right choice. Your thoughts were interrupted by your daughter’s excited screams as she dragged the tall figure across the hall.

She let go of Endeavor’s hand when she saw you and leaped into your arms with a huge grin on her face.

“Mommy, daddy’s not asleep anymore.”

You gently brushed strands of hair from her face, softly purring.“I know angel… and he can’t wait to see you.”

You looked up at Endeavor.

“Will you-”

“I think I’d be better if I stayed back for a bit…. I don’t want Tou—Dabi to get the wrong idea.”

You gave him a nod, setting your daughter down on the ground, taking her hand in yours as you took a deep breath before opening the door. Your eyes wandered to the bed Dabi was lying in moments ago, but yet you found nothing.

Your daughter stood there confused, tugging on your hand and asking for her father.

Endeavor saw the way you froze and came to investigate, when he saw the bed empty he called the nurses to ask if they’d seen him leave. But you assured him you were sitting near the door the whole time and didn’t see him leave, the window wasn’t open either.

You walked over to the nearby stand and found a brief note with only two words on it.

I’m sorry.

Ever since that day, your daughter changed. She became closed off and cold, whenever you tried talking about her father you were met with silence until one day you mentioned his name, and she responded with a shocking answer.

“Dabi… who’s that?”

The doctors said it was something called dissociative amnesia, and that’s why she couldn’t remember her father, her brain blocked him out, it being a traumatic event. You were scared that she may forget everything else, but the doctor quickly calmed you down.

After her amnesia started she became her old self again, the same warm, hopeful person you once knew. She never asked for her father’s whereabouts, she just enjoyed life, spending the days with Endeavor, completely forgetting about her father's quirk.

Endeavor had suggested for her to become a hero like him, but your daughter just brushed it off. Instead, your daughter left the country to follow her dreams, she got into a good college and made her own life… she even met someone special...

≿————-　❈　————-≾

After you had your son, life became a bit more complicated, him being born with your quirk and having the number one pro hero as his grandfather really boosted his confidence; he began to train in secret when he was only seven years old, but it didn’t stay hidden for long. At first, you were a bit skeptical about the thought of him becoming a hero... but when you saw how your son’s face lit up when Endeavor suggested training him, well how could you say no?

Your son hated Dabi, ever since he first saw one of his victims appear on the news he vowed to himself to at least destroy him if not all villains.

So when he asked about his dad…it got a little awkward, you would brush it off saying you’d explain it to him when he’s older. After a few years, he just gave up accepting the fact that he didn’t have a father… well, not a biological one.

Ever since Dabi left, Hawks stayed glued to your side like a magnet, attending to your every need and satisfying your every craving. He even took some time off work, of the last few weeks of your pregnancy, whenever you would ask him about his generosity he would just brush it off with “I guess it’s my bird instincts” But you knew it was something deeper than that, he never had a normal family before maybe this was his way of establishing one.

When your son was born, Hawks didn’t leave his side, you didn’t know why he did what he did, taking the father role in his life as he did, he was there when he said his first words and took his first steps. He used to get up in the night to feed him and babysat him while you worked. While his actual father was doing god knows what... you tried calling him and texting him several times yet to no avail. Endeavor suggested to go out and find him, yet you declined the offer. If a villain is what he wanted to be, then so be it.

You were furious at him for being such a stubborn person that he was, if only he would’ve stayed and actually solved the problems together rather than taking them on himself… maybe things would’ve been different...

Your thoughts were interrupted by a notification from your phone, you stood up from the couch and walked over to it and were met by a concerning message from Hawks.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Hawks and S/n were walking through an empty valley, dim street lights barely lighting up their path.

“So… this is patrolling, huh.”

“You don’t sound very excited, what... is this too boring for you?” Hawks leered.

“I just thought there would be more action is all.”

“The league has been really quiet recently, they’re probably planning something big.” Hawks stated before he caught a glimpse of curiosity from the boy beside him. “Don’t look at me like that…if your mother learned that I put you in danger in any way, she would make me a flightless chicken with that death stare of hers.”

“You’re such a sap, ya know.” S/n chuckled.

“Sorry?”

“Y/n this, Y/n that… just go kiss her already.”

“I don’t think you understand how relationships work.” Hawks scratched his head nervously.

“You’ve been doing this for years, Hawky it’s time to make a move.”

Hawks coughed, speeding up his pace, trying to hide the embarrassment so clearly written all over his face.

“Is it because of him?” S/n wondered, catching up.

“Him?”

“My dear old dad… you shouldn’t be discouraged, he’s probably dead, anyway.”

“Wh—why do you think so?”

“Well, I assume since neither one of you are telling me about him.”

“He’s—it’s complicated-”

“And we’ll tell you when you’re older, right, right. I know the poem.” S/n mocked.

“But isn’t it the perfect reason to confess soon? If the guy is still alive, who knows she might get back with him… so you should make a move while she’s still single.”

“Ya know, when I thought about what I’d be doing with my life, I certainly did not imagine getting dating advice from a kid. Have you ever even seen a girl?” Hawks teased.

“Of course I have, you ass…”

Both of them walked in silence for a while, before S/n mumbled. “I think you’d make her really happy… and I-” Hawks saw the way S/n hesitated before continuing. “I wouldn’t mind having you for a father.” he quickly added.

“If you tell anyone I said that I’ll make sure you suffer a worse fate than being a flightless chicken.”

“Kid I-”

Hawks stopped himself from speaking any further when he heard a noise coming from behind them. He turned around shushing S/n and trying to listen in to the noise, which now became clearer...

At least 10 figures appeared from the shadow covered corners surrounding the two of them.

Hawks stepped closer to S/n, pulling him against himself, and mumbled.

“Stay close kid.”

The pursuiters stayed quiet, letting out a few maniacal laughs.

“Why are we not attacking?” S/n whispered, his question being ignored by the hero as he scanned the situation thoroughly.

Suddenly another shadowy figure appeared, yet this one was a bit taller and muscular than the others.

“Well, colour me impressed, here I thought you were dead already.” Hawks remarked as the figure slowly stepped into the light.

S/n froze upon seeing the scared men clearer, he looked even more monstrous in person.

“The league wants to have a word,” Dabi spoke, looking at Hawks who was trying to keep S/n from his piercing eyes.

“They always do, sadly I don’t have time for a tea party at the moment… how does next Tuesday sound?”

Dabi only rolled his eyes and gestured to the goons. “Get the bird, I don’t care what you do with the kid.”

The ten figures let out several chuckles before slowly beginning to walk closer.

“It seems it’s your lucky day, kid. I’ll take the right side and you take the left.”

“This will be fun.” S/n grinned.

It all happened very quickly, the five figures on the left attacked S/n. He could tell they were inexperienced, so it didn’t take that long for him to defeat them, yet Hawks had a more tough time fighting, trying to dodge Dabis attacks which were thrown randomly for his amusement, no less.

Yet he wasn’t careful enough, one single slip up, caused Hawks to lose balance as he tripped and landed near S/n. He tried to get up again, but his muscles weren’t complying. He looked back up to Dabi who’s blue fire seemed to get uncomfortably closer by the second. He closed his eyes, shielding himself with his wings for the upcoming attack…. And yet nothing came, he quickly let his wings fall onto the ground and saw S/n standing before him with his arm raised, fresh steam coming from it, his hand burnt, now purplish and Dabi standing there frozen.

Dabi let his flames dive down, slowly walking forwards.

“You’re-” S/n mumbling was interrupted by sharp, throbbing in his hand, he fell to the ground screaming in pain as Hawks rushed to his side.

Endeavor must have heard the commotion as S/n could hear his voice in the distance yelling something he couldn’t comprehend. He saw Dabis eyes hesitate before he slowly backed away, back into the shadows he came from; he saw Hawks who was shouting for Endeavor to hurry and restrain the remaining goons and he slowly fell into darkness.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

The two heroes quietly sat in the waiting room, anxiously looking at the staff that were passing by, before a familiar voice casually spoke. “He’ll be fine mister Endeavor, whatever caused his hand to burn up like that did some serious damage but with some stitches, we were able to fix it.”

“Thank you, doc we appreciate it.” Hawks sighed. “Could we… see him now?”

The doctor gave them a quick nod before walking away, both of them followed close behind as Hawks tried to calm down his shaking heart.

They walked over to one of the rooms on the right wing before the doctors opened the door.

“He should be awake soon, and whatever you have the time, there are some forms that I need you to sign.”

“That’s fine, just give us a minute?” Hawks asked, walking over to the boy’s side.

The doctor mumbled something under their breath before walking out.

Hawks scanned the boy’s hand, which was now heavily bandaged. “Y/n is going to kill us.” he looked back at Endeavor. “Did you call her already?”

“No… not yet.”

“Good, let’s… just wait a little while longer…”

Both were quiet for a moment before Hawks mustered up the courage to ask.“Do you think he knows…?”

“I’m sure he does, it isn’t that difficult to figure it out.”

“So what do we do about him ? If he tells the league-”

“He won’t, you and I both know that.” Endeavor cut him off.

“We don't, he isn’t a very predictable person Enji and even if he doesn’t, those goons of his will. Didn’t you tell me one got away?”

“Yeah… I’ll take care of it, in the meantime...I think we should postpone his U.A training…”

Hawks looked down on S/n unconscious body remembering the endless tiring training sessions the two of them had.

“There has to be another way… he worked so hard for it, maybe we can take certain precautions-”

“We’ll talk about this at home… I better go and tell Y/n,” Endeavor declared, pulling out his phone.

“I’ll do it, you’re not exactly too subtle with words, you stay here.” Hawks stood up from his seat, pulling his phone out of his pocket, and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Endeavor sat there quietly, thoughts racing of what he should do, a thought of moving you two out even further away from the city flashed his mind, but he quickly shook it off. When he lifted his gaze from the ground he saw S/n laying awake, examining his hand.

“It’s good to have you back, son… how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine… can we go home?” He asked with a gloomy sigh.

“I don’t think that’s…”

The door suddenly opened, revealing a slightly irritated Hawks, with the doctor following behind him.

“He’s all free to go if he wishes, just try to be careful with that hand of yours… it will sting for a while…”

“Thank you, doc.” Hawks asserted. “What would we do without you?”

“Do you seriously want me to answer that?”

Hawks chuckled, walking over to S/n bed and giving him an apologetic smile.

“Ready to go home, champ?”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

You sat patiently waiting on the couch as the door finally opened and your son walked in holding his bandaged hand. You rushed to his side, pulling him into your arms, trying not to squeeze too hard. “S/n… are you okay? Does your hand hurt?”

“How… how could you keep this away from me….” he mumbled, pulling back.

“Kid-” Hawks tried putting a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

“Don’t touch me, don’t you fucking touch me.” your son choked.

“Angel...”

“Shut up, you’re no better.” he snapped. “I need an honest answer and you’re going to give me one.”

“Is he—Is that sociopath, murderous bastard, really my father?”

You and Hawks looked at each other before murmuring “I… yes he is....look I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I just-”

“We didn’t want you to overreact,” Hawks added.

“Oh… oh… you thought I would overreact? Yeah, okay, so instead of just straight up saying hey you have a sociopath for a father, you hide and keep it a secret from me. Well, you got your overreaction, I hope you’re happy, bursting with fucking joy no doubt.” S/n mocked.

“So for how long were you planning to keep this to your deary selves?”

“We-”

Endeavor finally decided to join in the conversation.

“As long as we had to… if the public found out--if the league found out you’d not be only putting all of us in danger but yourself as well. The league could use you as their trumpet card.”

Your son stood silent for a minute, thinking if he should continue to stand his ground or walk away, he decided he needed to cool off first before continuing this conversation and walked away, shutting himself in his room with a loud slam.

“I need to go talk to him…”

“No, what you need to do is give him some space… he’s confused and hurt, adding more fuel to the fire won’t make it go out faster.” Hawks reassured you, wrapping one of his arms around your waist and leading you into the kitchen.“Let’s sit down and I’ll make you some tea, alright? Enji do you want some?”

“Can’t... I need to go to my agency, explain what happened and all.”

“I… alright try not to take too long.”

Endeavor only hummed before walking back to the entrance.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

“I’m sorry…” Hawks said with a sense of guilt.”I should’ve listened to you. I feel like such an asshole for convincing you to let me bring him along.”

“You’re not the one to blame, I should have told him sooner.” you stammered.“What if he never forgives us… what will we do… I’m so scared Keigo… I-”

He pulled another kitchen chair beside yours, wrapping his wings around and holding you close. “He will... just give the kid some time.”

“How can you say that so confidently, look at Endeavor, and… he never forgave him.”

“Different situation.” Hawks assured. “What’s the saying? Time heals all wounds.”

You hugged him tighter and mumbled into his shoulder. “How did—how did he look?”

Hawks sighed. “He hasn’t changed much… maybe a bit more scarred.”

“I see… did he… you know...”

“No, he didn’t say much.”

“Why was he even there? You told me that area was secure.”

“The league really wanted to have a word, whatever that means.”

You pulled away from his warm comforting embrace and cupped his cheek

“I’m… I’m glad that you’re okay, you are okay, right?”

“Yeah, a few cuts and bruises here and there but I’m fine… I should probably go clean up now that you mention it, don’t want them to get infected.”

“I’ll help,” you muttered.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

When S/n slammed his door, he immediately fell against it. He sat there, his hands on his knees, staring at the mirror in front of him, his mind racing empty but at the same time full of thoughts.

He sat there for a long time, listening in on your conversation with Hawks. He sighed, finally getting up, and walked up to the mirror. Standing there, he looked over his features. He looked at his face and couldn’t help but finally see how similar the two of them actually were; he remembered Dabi's sharp eyes smiling at the amusement of Hawks struggle... how did he not see it sooner . He looked down at his hands, flashbacks coming back, the blue flame consuming it, consuming him.

You’re just like him.

How could you ever be a hero?

Murderer…

Monster….

His mind raced to every possible possibility of his future, is he destined to become like him?

It’s in your blood…

That will be you someday, and everyone will hate you.

Your family hates you, that’s why they lied.

They fear you...

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud shattering noise, as he looked up, he saw his fist covered in blood, the mirror shattered, shards all scattered around the room. But yet there was still one small piece hanging up. He looked at it, and when he did, he didn’t see himself; he saw a broken, battered figure that so clearly resembled him.

S/n stumbled back, his breathing becoming quicker and quicker. He reached for his phone that was laying next to him on the ground and tried calling the only person he thought could help. It was already almost two am, so he could only pray to get a response in return.

After a few tries, the person finally picked up, with a sleepy undertone in his voice.

“Hello?”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

S/n walked through an almost empty street when the playground finally came into view. On the swings sat a slouched figure, slowly rocking back and forth, his head was fixated on the ground, as he tried to push the sleepiness away.

The figure’s gaze quickly left the ground as he heard someone's footsteps approach his direction. He gave S/n a small wave and gestured for him to take a seat at the swing next to him, and so he did.

“I’m sorry I called so late…” S/n mumbled.

Shoto looked over at the kid, who was tapping his boots nervously. His eyes quickly made their way to the freshly bandaged hand.

“It is quite alright, you didn’t sound good on the phone… Did something happen?”

S/n shook his head as he stayed quiet, trying to muster and find the right words to say.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

“And done…” you chirped, gesturing Hawks to stand up from the chair.

“Thanks… see I told you it wasn’t that bad,” he replied, putting his shirt back on.

“Yeah…”

You put away the bloodied towel and looked back in the direction of your son’s room.

Hawk’s eyes softened as he approached you. “I’ll go check on him, okay?”

Your eyes snapped back to Hawks as you let out a sigh.

“I’d appreciate it,” you muttered.

Hawks mustered a smile as he stood up and gave you a few pats on the head, before walking away and heading to your son’s room direction.

It was only but moments before he was standing at your son’s door, trying to listen in on any movements from his side. Not hearing a sound, he took a deep breath in and slowly turned the doorknob.

“S/n…”

He stopped, freezing up as he scanned the room. The window was open; the mirror laid shattered, shards scattered around everywhere, he saw S/n phone lying on the floor, and a few drops of blood on it.

“Y/n we have a problem, ” He yelled, running back to the kitchen to pick up his phone.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

S/n told Shoto everything that happened in great detail, trying to muster the strength against his bottled up emotions. After the whole story was told, the both of them remained silent, before Shoto finally spoke.

“I know how you feel.” he trailed off. “I’m sorry this happened to you S/n… But you have nothing to fear, the two of you are nothing alike, you might have his quirk but you’re still your own person.”

S/n stayed quiet as he kept his eyes on the ground.

“You should go home now, the others might worry where you’ve gone.”

S/n sighed before, humming in agreement, he got up from the swing, stretching out his arms. He turned back to Shoto.

“Can you… not tell them that I was here?”

“I don’t think-” Shoto stood up and glanced at S/n who seemed exhausted from the evening’s events.“I… alright, let’s go I’ll walk you home.”

“Nah, It’s fine, it’s just 10 minutes away I’ll be fine,” S/n reassured.

“It’s still quite late. I don’t think that it would be safe to let you go home alone.”

“Oh cmon, I have a murderer’s quirk on my side, what can go wrong?”

“S/n…”

“I’m just joking Sho, trying to brighten the mood a bit, anyway I’ll be fine.”

Before Shoto could disagree, S/n was already walking away and waving him off.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

He walked on a nearly empty street, the cars around him rushing, while he kept his hooded head down on the road.. His mind became a little calmer, like an ocean after a storm everything was calming down. He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn’t notice a quiet figure following him like a cat. He stopped near a crosswalk, looking up and waiting for the light to change, before he suddenly got grabbed and pulled roughly, a hand covering his mouth, he didn’t have any time to respond, everything became fuzzy as he was fastly pulled into what looked like a portal and thrown out the other side.

He moved onwards before quickly getting up into his fighting stance, ready to use his quirk on whatever or whoever grabbed him. Yet he wasn’t met by his kidnapper, only by a white haired man, who had some sort of hand on his face. S/n stood there for a second, trying to figure out if he should make a run for it or attack.

The quiet man poured another glass of whiskey, lifting one of his fingers from it, careful not to dust it. After the glass was half full, he murmured something under his breath before taking off his mask and giving the kid a creepy grin.

“Come, take a seat…” the man gestured to a nearby bar stool.

“Who are you and what do you want?” S/n hesitantly asked while he looked around the room.

The man stopped his drink halfway to his mouth.

“Ah, where are my manners, I’m Shigaraki… and you are?”

“I’m-”

“I’m joking, I already know who you are, you’re Dabi's little creation…” Shigaraki grinned. “You know, as Endeavor's grandson, he didn’t do a good job of protecting you… I mean you were just wandering around like a lost puppy.”

Shigaraki once again gestured to the empty seat next to him.

“It’s not nice to reject a drink ya know.” Shigaraki looked at him, his grin slowly being replaced by a frown “Anyway, you must be thinking, why are you here? Well, I have a very appealing proposition for you, a deal of some sorts.”

“Let me guess, you want me to join your evil boy club, is that it?”

“Don’t call it that, ” Shigaraki snarled. “But yes, I want you to join the league ... now I can tell you’re hesitant, but think about it you’ll be accepted here.”

“Oh, really?”

“Why do you think they kept it away from you for so long?”

“How do-”

“They’re afraid of you like everyone else will be when they learn the truth…”

That will be you someday, and everyone will hate you.

“Shut up.” S/n hissed.

“What about your dear old dad? You wouldn’t want to disappoint him now would you?”

“He’s no father of mine.”

You’re just like him.

Shigaraki spun around on the chair, drink still in hand.

“You might deny it now, but you’ll be crawling back here in no time… it’s in your blood, the hero society is broken enough, help me make it better.”

It’s in your blood…

“Shut up.”

S/n wanted to walk away, he tried blocking out every word thrown his way, his eyes desperately looking for the exit, Shigaraki only stared at him, wondering what the kid will do next when the door of the hideout suddenly opened and an irritated Dabi walked in the room “Shiggy I’m back from-” he spotted his son in the room and immediately hissed. “Why is he here?”

“Oh, him? I just wanted to have a brief chat with the kid, welcome him into the family.” Shigaraki grinned, turning back to face the bar.

“I’m sure you did.” Dabi scoffed, making his way to S/n, grabbing him by the color and dragging him away while he struggled.

Before Dabi could open the door, he heard Shigaraki quietly mumble to him.

“Didn’t think you were so soft Dabi.”

Dabi rolled his eyes while his son kicked him and babbled. “Let go of me you freak.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Dabi followed S/n close behind, stealing glances at the unfamiliar place he was leading him to, before he suddenly stopped on some old bridge, not budging to go any further.

“Why did you stop?” Dabi asked, looking around at the old factory.

“I’m not going to show a villain where I live.” your son returned going near the rails and leaning on them. “So leave me the hell alone, alright?”

Dabi took a deep breath in, feeling slightly irritated, yet he couldn’t contain the drip of proudness rising in his chest, the kid might be stupid but at least you taught him well he thought. He approached S/n calmly, not trying to start a fight, as he could see the kid was on edge before he leaned against the rails next to him.

“Listen-”

“I don’t want to hear it…” S/n responded immediately.

A painfully awkward silence filled the air as the two stood under a poorly light street light looking at the slowly moving water.

“I hate you” S/n murmured.

“I know.”

“So that’s it? You won’t say anything else?”

“I don’t think it will change much even if I did,” Dabi said casually.“You look… a lot like Y/n… is she—how is she doing?” he added, gripping the railing a bit too tight for comfort.

“She’s doing good, a lot better without you no doubt.” your son smeared.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Dabi's heart painfully ached, after so many years the memories of your warm touch still lingered in his mind. A few days later after he left the hospital he came back to your old burnt house, your future home as you used to call it, he walked around the ashed trying to calm down the stinging feeling in his chest, he could’ve gone back, hell part of him screamed and begged him to, but he was too much of a coward, running away seemed easier them facing his father and facing the reality of crimes he committed, going back to that house filled the shadows of the past. Part of him also knew that betraying the league never ended well for anyone, and no matter how far or how long he would run, they’d always catch up. So he decided to suffer in silence and finally do something else than be selfish with his life.

He walked around in ruins of what was once his home, spotting a cabinet that was badly burnt but still standing in what seemed to be your bedroom. He carefully opened it and shivered, looking at the slightly burnt photo. He recalled the event like it was yesterday; it was your daughter’s sixth Christmas; she was babbling and rambling all day, while you both tried putting up Christmas decorations, Christmas music played in the background and the smell of cookies filled your small little home. At the end of the day, you pestered him into taking a photo with the three of you. He so desperately wanted to disapprove but your daughter’s puppy eyes convinced him otherwise. You printed it out, and kept it close, calling it a good luck charm, and here it was still okay. Dabis hands trembled as he reached for it, carefully wiping the ashes from the photo, trying not to make it dirtier than it already was, and put it in his pocket, walking away with his lost treasure.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

“I’m glad,” he whispered, a sad smile plastered on his face, before looking back at his son. “Whatever you think of me, it wasn’t easy for me to just leave.”

“Mhm, right, because you care so much.”

“Watch it,” Dabi growled before softening up once more. “How’s… D/n?”

Your son froze, looking back at him before mouthing. “Wait… you’re her father too?”

Dabi didn’t say anything before pulling out and carefully showing him the photo.

S/n hesitantly took it and mouthed, looking over it. “Are you kidding me…?”

A revengeful thought came to him as he looked it over, still trying to comprehend it. He could see this little picture meant a lot to the poor villain who was carefully observing him, anytime S/n would move it, he could see him grow a bit on edge. Yet he took pity on the monster standing near him and shoved it back into his hand.

“Well, you can be happy then, she doesn’t remember you,” he murmured, returning his hand on the railing.

Dabi froze, giving him a doubting look.

“Yeah, she has some sort of traumatic amnesia or so I’ve heard.”

“Amnesia… what happened?”

“I don’t know I wasn’t told much,” S/n remarked. “But hey now you have one less burden to worry about, don’t want to mess up your future plan.”

“Is that why you think I left?” Dabi spoke, tightly gripping the photo which remained in his hand. “I did it to keep all of you safe and give you a good shot at life, not because you’re some burden.”

“No, you left because you’re a coward, stop trying to justify it with some sacrificial bullshit.”

“Listen here-”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Hawks has been flying around the city for almost 2 hours now, frantically searching every nick and cranny he could think of, he felt like ripping his feathers out, how did he not pick up the mirror breaking, how could he let S/n leave, or worse, maybe he was taken?

So many thoughts were rushing through his head as he finally allowed himself to breathe. He landed on a nearby rooftop pulling out his phone with intention of calling Endeavor to report the update, before he spotted a familiar figure on a bridge near an old factory, the bridge was on the brink of collapsing so no one bothered to light it up properly. Two figures were standing under a badly cleaned street light, which now began to frantically flicker.

Hawks quickly dialed Endeavor, explaining his suspicion and telling his location. Endeavor asked him to wait, not knowing if it could be a trap, but Hawks with a foggy mind and his protective instincts didn’t listen, he murmured a simple “see ya soon” and hung up the phone. He looked back in the direction of the bridge and let himself glide off the rooftop.

Dabi stopped talking when he saw Hawks approach them, he only looked at S/n, stuffing the photo back into his pocket, and mumbled. “Looks like our time is up.” before S/n was fastly carried by Hawks feathers away from the dangerously close villain.

Hawks landed near S/n, surprising him as he frantically searched for any kind of injuries.

“You okay kid?” he looked back at Dabi with a nasty look. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

S/n pushed himself out of Hawks grasp. “I’m fine.”

Hawks looked at him with sadness and guilt in his eyes, which turned into fury and hatred when they fell on Dabi, who was now casually leaning on the bridge railing. Hawks pulled away from S/n and approached Dabi with a feather blade in hand and pointed it at his throat.

“Why did you take him?” Hawks barked, trying to search Dabi's cold demeanor for any kind of tricks.

“I didn’t take shit, he was the one that found me.”

Hawks looked back at S/n, who only looked away with guilt running across his face. Hawks gave him a disappointing glare before turning back at Dabi, who was unfaced with the deadly weapon pointed at his throat.

“I know what you’re trying to do.”

Dabi cocked his eyebrows. “Do you now?” he jeered.

“S/n doesn’t need a screw up like you for a father nor does he need your baggage, leave him be.”

“Playing the father role well I see,” Dabi responded ignoring Hawks’ sudden outburst.

“I couldn’t let a child be fathered by a scoundrel like you, now could I?”

How Dabi wanted to tear down the oversized chicken limb from limb, finally take his revenge for ruining his family, for taking you away from him. His hands were beginning to itch and beg him to give in to his little temptation. He looked past Hawks at his son, god he looked just like you , his mind replayed your voice trying to calm him down as the temptation quietly disappeared into a pile of mush.

Dabi furrowed his eyebrows, turning around from the confrontation, and stepped back.

“I don’t have time for this.” He stoically stated, trying to hold back any kind of resentment towards Hawks.

“Running away like always?” Hawks remarked, getting no response from the grim figure who slithered away in defeat.

After he disappeared from view, Hawks turned back to S/n, who was standing nearby, tapping his feet nervously. Hawks approached him, throwing his jacket over the boys shoulders, and growled.

“We’re going home.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

You were pacing around the living room, phone in hand, waiting for any news on S/n whereabouts, when suddenly the front door opened up. You rushed to the door.

“Did you—Angel hey are you okay? You’re not hurt, right?” you blubbered, scanning his face for any cuts or bruises.

“How’s your hand?”

“It’s fine, mom,” he responded shamefully, looking at the ground.

“You really scared me sweetheart… where were you?” you hugged him tightly, massaging his back, and mouthed a quiet “thank you” to the heroes patiently standing nearby.

“I don’t want to talk about it… can I go now? I’m really tired,” he mumbled, pushing you away.

“I…”

“Good night.” Your son said as he walked off to his room, quietly closing the door behind him.

You looked back at Endeavor and Hawks, who moved over to the couch.

“What happened? Where did you find him?”

“He was with Dabi.”

“Dabi… what? Why? Did he kidnap him?”

“No, it seems the kid found him first.” Endeavor tried calming you down.

“Why would he-”

“We’re not sure...but right now we should all go rest it’s been a tough night.” Endeavor stated.

Hawks stood up and got ready to head to S/n room to give him the speech he thought of in the car before Endeavor stopped him.

“I’ll talk to him, you go rest.” He looked back at you, nodding to Hawks, who hesitantly took a seat next to you, wrapping one of his wings around you, slowly massaging your back.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Endeavor approached the door and knocked a few times, not hearing a response he pressed on the handle and the unlocked door opened with ease.

He stepped inside closing the door behind him, spotting your son, laying in his bed with his back turned, as he was slightly shaking behind the covers, clearly trying to calm himself down.

Endeavor sighted, not bothering to turn on the light, and sat beside him. He sat there for a while, his mind racing with all the things he wanted to say, or should’ve said, yet nothing came up.

“You won’t be going to U.A.” he finally stated.

Your son froze, and quickly sat back up, now facing Endeavor. “You can’t do that.”

“I already called the school.”

Your son ran his hand through his hair trying to come up with a valid argument.

“I also think that you should stay homeschooled for a while, seeing as there is a high chance of probability that the league knows you exist.”

“I know you worked hard, but your safety is far more important,” he added tapping S/n gently on the shoulder.

Your son was too tired to answer but gave Endeavor a little nod.

“Good, now get some sleep.” Endeavor said as he stood up from the bedside. He walked over to the door and looked back with a serious gaze.

“Don’t run away again, am I understood?”

“Yes sir” your son responded letting his head fall onto the comfortable pillow.

“Good.” Endeavor muttered closing the door behind him.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

It’s been almost a week and your patience was starting to run out, six days with only blunt responses from your son, him denying to eat your food or even come out of his room, and tonight you decided enough is enough and walked over to your son’s room with Hawks following close behind.

You turned back to him, trying to justify your sudden outburst. “I just want to see if he’s doing alright…”

“I’ll go with you,” he reassured, giving your hand a light squeeze.

You gave him a thankful nod before gently pressing on the handle and cracking the door open. Your son was sitting on his bed, with his earphones on, listening to something, paying no mind to your sudden entrance. His cheerful demeanor now became grim, dark circles under his eyes were too big for comfort, his bandage hand now bare.

Hawks hand fell on your shoulder as he gave you an encouraging glance. You took a deep breath in, before approaching his bedside and sitting next to him. Your son immediately looked up to you and Hawks who was leaning against a nearby wall, looking at him with his soft eyes. S/n took off his headphones and mumbled. “Please leave, I really don’t want to talk to any of you.”

“It’s been a week, kid, you can’t just keep ignoring us like this.” Hawks lilted.

“Honey…” you tried reaching for his hand but he pulled away instantly. “I know--it's hard and I shouldn’t have kept something like that from you… and I’m deeply sorry.”

“Good to know, the doors right there you can leave now.” your son jeered.

“Can you at least come out of your room and eat something? I don’t like when you hurt yourself like this,” you said, once again reaching out to him.

“Don’t touch me,” he said, pulling away. “You kept it from D/n as well didn’t you?”

“D/n… her situation is different from yours…”

“How?” he asked, not sparing you a glance.

“She knew who he was… but after your d—Dabi left she couldn’t handle it, so her brain locked him out of her memory,” you explained in a simple manner.

“And you let her leave just like that... “ your son scoffed as he got off from the bed. “Were you going to do the same with me?”

“We-”

“You know what, don’t answer that… I don’t think it’s good for me to hang around you two right now.”

Your son walked towards the door but Hawks moved, blocking it. “You need to calm down, kid.”

“Get out of my way Hawks.” your son warned, his sleep deprived, and angered mind getting the best of him.

“You need to stop throwing tantrums and listen-”

Hawks was interrupted by a loud explosion, he felt like he was falling before he hit something hard, his ears began to ring, he felt limb trying to gasp for air and he desperately fought to keep his eyes open as he felt warm like wood liquid falling down his face. He could see you desperately run to him, tripping over the fallen door, your soft touch masking the terrible pain he felt, he slowly reached for your cheek, accidentally smearing it with his blood, trying to wipe away your tears that wouldn’t stop coming.

He slowly shifted trying to spot the boy he carefully tried to father throughout his life, only to see him, standing there in the smoke of a now destroyed corridor, dark smoke surrounding him, as his sight got worse he could swear the little boy turn into a monstrous shadowy figure, who was now darting away. Hawks tried reaching out to him but he seemed to be getting further and further away by the second, he mumbled something under his breath as he let his body and mind succumb to the dark slumber he so craved.

#dabi x y/n #dabi x reader #bnha dabi #mha dabi #bnha fluff #bnha angst #mha x reader #bnha x reader #bnha x y/n #mha fluff #mha angst

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sinsbymanka · 3 years

Photo

Inquisitor as a Companion: Maria Cadash

@little-lightning-lavellan started this amazing trend and I have gratuitously stolen the template from them. I finished this up this morning as a good distraction for not feeling well!

Is your OC a Companion in the Dragon Age series? What would it be like for a player to select them to join their party for quests (or romance them, perhaps? 👀)

You have selected Maria to join your party! (art made by @lavellanvibes)

Race: Dwarf

Affiliation: Carta

Gender: Female

Class: Rogue/Archer

Specialization: Assassin

Background

Maria was born in 9:11 Dragon, the eldest daughter of Roland and Meera Cadash. She has a sister who is two years younger than her - Beatrix Cadash. When Maria was four, her mother died in a Carta mission gone wrong. Her father had been in line to take over the Carta, but fell apart after the death of his wife. He seems to have spent the next ten years in a bottle, but Maria rarely says anything negative about him.

Most of Maria’s childhood was spent in the care of her grandmother, the indomitable Zarra Cadash. Although funds were frequently tight, Zarra did her best to raise her granddaughters with a sense of dwarven pride. Maria is well aware of the history of House Cadash, the abandonment of her family and thaig by Ozammar, and the fate of most of her Ancestors. Her grandmother is very traditional and while Maria may jokingly laugh at most of her traditions, she still studiously carries them out.

Maria quickly became her own rising star in the Carta, known for her quick wit, sound mind, and deadly aim. However, she met and fell in love with the son of a prominent Merchant’s Guild member when she was 20 years old - Fynn Dunhark. After a whirlwind romance, Maria abandoned Ostwick, the Carta, and her family to start a new life with Fynn in Hercinia. Zarra disapproved completely - expressing much distrust of the Guild. Although Maria wanted Bea to accompany her, Bea refused because she too was doing well for herself in the Carta.

One year after their elopement, assassins hired by Fynn’s father tracked the couple to Hercinia. They had been hired to kill Maria, but Fynn died at their hands instead and Maria was captured. The assassins, knowing they wouldn’t recoup the other half of their payment from Fynn’s father, ransomed Maria back to the Carta. To raise the money, Bea Cadash made an unsavory alliance with a very distant cousin of their, Dwyka Cadash (also known as the Dasher) who had been “sweet” on Maria before her elopement.

Bea Cadash helped Dwyka assume control of the Ostwick Carta and Maria came back to her family a broken hearted woman. She resumed her place in the Carta and, eventually, rumors began to grow that she had entered into a relationship with Dasher himself. Fynn Dunhark’s father committed suicide after the failed assassination attempt.

Maria spent the next several years in the Ostwick Carta. She’s perhaps one of the best smugglers the Carta has ever seen and has a very in depth knowledge of the way most criminal networks in Thedas operate and a firm grasp of the lyrium trade. Although she seems to have no actual power within the Carta to make decisions, she’s widely respected by her fellows and it’s roundly acknowledged the whole thing would fall to shambles without her steady hand. She’s got a long history of handling the most difficult smuggling jobs herself. Much to her detriment when she’s sent to Southern Thedas to supply the templars and mages in the middle of a war.

Involvement

Maria Cadash can be found at the Storm Coast as soon as the area opens up for exploration. Scout Harding will offer in her report a quest called “Signs of Carta Smuggling” which leads to a hidden cove in the map and a pitched battle between Maria, several templars, and several mages. After dispatching the enemies, Maria can be engaged in conversation. She reveals she was selling lyrium for the Carta, but one of her crew messed up and gave both sides of the dispute the same time and location to meet. Further questioning seems to reveal that Maria was charging the mages less than the templars, when pressed she says it’s because they don’t have as much money. If Varric or Bull are in the party they will both shrewdly interject that she’s a liar.

Maria will talk about the smuggling operation and the Inquisitor has the opportunity to recruit her by asking the Ostwick Carta to supply the Inquisition with lyrium. Maria says she’s got other skills than smuggling, opening up her availability as a party member.

When at Haven, she can be found at the archery targets. Once the Inquisition relocates to Skyhold, she spends her time on the battlements near the tavern. When asked why she’s always up there, she jokes that she likes to be tall.

Approval and Romance

Maria can be romanced by an Inquisitor of any race or gender, but the romance is not locked in or consummated for most of the game. Maria is slow to trust or return the Inquisitor’s affection and doesn’t respond well to being pushed for more before she’s ready.

She slightly favors the mages over the templars, but much like Varric, tends to look at individuals instead of groups. She approves of acts of kindness and charity, an Inquisitor that jokes with her and others, and actions that favor the oppressed. She disapproves of most things done just to appease nobles, acts that hurt others, and acts that side with who she sees as an oppressor. She also, interestingly, disapproves of executing most prisoners. The sole exception is Erimond, where her approval is guaranteed but the amount of approval is contingent on whether or not Hawke is left in the Fade.

If Maria isn’t romanced by the Inquisitor, she can end up in a romance with Varric Tethras, but it does require some work on the Inquisitor’s part to move beyond flirtation in game banter. This sequence of quests involve Maria’s companion quest and Varric’s. They can be obtained post-Adamant and done in any order.

If Solas and Maria are not romanced by the Inquisitor, in game banter seems to reveal that many companions believe Solas has a crush on Maria Cadash. This includes Varric, who oddly seems to not mind even if he is in a relationship with Maria. Despite this banter, there is no way to cause a relationship between Solas and Maria.

Companion Quests

If Hawke survives the Fade:

The Inquisitor, when saying goodbye to Hawke, witnesses Hawke’s goodbye to Varric. If Maria and Varric have been in the party together often enough to start their flirting dialogues, the camera will show Maria approaching and Hawke will cryptically tell Varric that there is “Always time to start a new story.” The Inquisitor has the option to wave Maria over to say goodbye to Hawke as well. If she’s invited into the conversation, Maria will jokingly tell Hawke she’ll keep Varric in trouble. Hawke seems to approve of this.

If Hawke is left in the Fade:

Upon approaching Varric in Skyhold, Varric will talk about how he misses Hawke. If Maria and Varric have been in the party together often enough to start their flirting dialogues, the camera will show Maria approaching. The Inquisitor has the option to wave her over. If she’s invited into the conversation, Maria will ask Varric how long he’s been writing letters. When he says he’s done Maria says she’ll use her smuggling contacts to get them where they need to go and that he needs to sleep. Varric allows himself to be sent to bed.

Varric’s Quest in Vallamar:

When Bianca Davri is in Skyhold, Maria will shift locations. She will move from the battlements and into the upper floor of the tavern near Cole. Cole’s ambient dialogue will reveal that she is unhappy with Bianca’s presence. If Maria is brought along to Vallamar, she disapproves. During the quest she frequently interjects into Varric and Bianca’s fond memories dialogue. After the second time this happens, Bianca will begin to ask intrusive questions about Maria. Whoever the third companion is will ask the Inquisitor if they’re happy with their choices for this party.

Maria becomes angry at Bianca during the culmination of the Vallamar quest. She will ask the other woman how many people she’s hurt to answer a question. Bianca will ask Maria how many people she’s hurt on the Dasher’s behalf. If this quest is done before Maria’s, the Inquisitor will have the opportunity to ask Maria about the Dasher. Regardless of the dialogue exploration, Bianca will eventually reveal that she knows Maria is in a relationship with the Dasher.

If Maria’s companion quest has been completed, the Inquisitor can refute that, but Maria will disapprove of any dialogue options beyond “That’s not your business,” which gathers great approval. Varric will attempt to interject and calm the situation, but Maria will turn on him and ask him how long he intends on living in his fantasy world or if he’s ever going to grow up. This is the same conversation you can witness at Skyhold post-completion if Maria was not brought along. Either way, Maria storms off. It is revealed that she has left the party (in Vallamar) or Skyhold. She is unavailable to be selected as a companion until the Inquisitor leaves the area and then returns to Skyhold.

If you have Solas in the party while Maria is missing, he will reveal he wishes he could find her in the Fade, but he cannot, and that he is worried about her. If this takes place after the quest with Wisdom is completed, the Inquisitor may point out Solas is getting a taste of his own medicine.

The Inquisitor may choose to ask Maria where she was when she returns. If she is asked, Maria will reveal she was almost back to Ostwick before she realized clan Davri had hired assassins to kill Varric. If the Inquisitor asks where the assassins are, Maria says they’re not a problem anymore. Further questioning reveals Maria has not spoken to Varric about what happened and they both seem to have just made up their mind to never mention it again.

To trigger Maria and Varric’s romance, the Inquisitor must tell Varric that Maria came back to take care of the assassins sent after him. Varric laughs off the assassins, saying he’s dealt with them before, but seems touched that Maria came back to handle them. His dialogue ends with him being thoughtful and murmuring that maybe he hasn’t fucked up.

Maria’s Carta Problems:

Maria will mention she’s got unfinished business with the Carta and ask for the Inquisitor’s help. If the Inquisitor agrees to help, no questions asked, Maria greatly approves. If the Inquisitor questions her, she seems exasperated, but does not disapprove.

Maria reveals that the Dasher has information about her family which means Maria can never leave the Carta. The Inquisitor can ask Maria if she wants to leave and Maria indicates she doesn’t know, but she wants to have the choice, and no matter what happens she can’t go back to Dasher’s Carta. When questioned about the Dasher, Maria will reveal his identity and discuss his cruelty and stupidity with business. At this point in time, the Inquisitor can ask about rumors linking Maria and Dwyka romantically. Maria will say it’s not like that and ask you to trust her. If you say you do, she will greatly approve.

Maria says she’s heard Dwyka is in Ferelden looking for her to bring her back to Ostwick. Maria wants to find him first. The Inquisitor must track down information on Carta operations. When Leliana is asked she recommends Varric’s own Carta connections as the best route. The Inquisitor can ask Varric to look into it, which he does gladly after surmising it’s for Maria. He does warn the Inquisitor Maria probably didn’t want him knowing what she’s doing.

After speaking to Varric, a mission opens at the War Table. Upon completion of this mission, Maria can be taken to a spot on the map near the Storm Coast. Exploration of the map reveals that Dwyka is dealing in red lyrium. When confronted by the Inquisitor and Maria, Dwyka taunts Maria that she’ll never get away from him. This cues a battle.

After the enemies are defeated, a final cut scene shows Maria firing an arrow into Dwyka’s throat and then standing over him as he dies. She tells him he will never hurt her or her family again, and that they’ll all forget he even existed. If Solas or Varric are in the party, one or both will comment that Dwyka got off too easily. Despite their victory, Maria seems exhausted. The Inquisitor can ask what was between her and Dwyka and Maria will confess that her sister murder Fynn Dunhark’s father after the failed assassination attempt and Dwyka had evidence that would see her family wiped out by the Merchant’s Guild for killing one of their own. He used that knowledge to blackmail Maria and Bea into working for him. She can be pressed further by an Inquisitor asking if all she did was work for him. She’ll admit that’s not all, but she never loved Dwyka, she was trapped.

If Varric is in the party, he’ll reluctantly confirm the Guild has organized to purge troublesome Carta families before. Maria will bitterly state that the Guild can’t survive without the Carta - they do the jobs “respectable” dwarves won’t do and nobody blinks at their deaths. Varric tries to protest and she pointedly asks him how many Carta members Hawke wiped out in Kirkwall. Varric says that isn’t fair and Maria responds that life isn’t fair. Then she says they should go.

After this quest, the Inquisitor has the option to inform Maria that Varric helped find the information that led to Dwyka. Maria says she should be angry at the Inquisitor for involving him, but then admits Varric isn’t a bad sort. She says “If things were different…” and then trails off before saying she’ll have to find some way to thank him.

This is also the trigger for Maria’s romance. The Inquisitor has the opportunity to tell her that when she’s ready, they’d love to get to know her better. Maria says she needs time, and if the Inquisitor says she can have as much time as she needs then Maria is on a romance path.

Helping Cole:

After both quests have been completed, if Maria and Varric have started flirting in party banter, and Maria was invited to the conversation post-Adamant, the following events can occur after the next storyline quest but before Trespasser DLC is started:

Cole will come to the Inquisitor and ask for help. He’ll reveal that Maria and Varric are in love with each other but they won’t talk. This starts a complicated chain of events where the Inquisitor and Cole attempt to force Maria and Varric to talk about their feelings.

A game of truth or dare in the Tavern where Maria and Varric keep doing increasingly bold dares to avoid picking truth. The Inquisitor can dare them to kiss, and they will, but they’ll break away quickly and end the game.

The Inquisitor can start a bookclub and pick one of Varric’s romances. Cassandra is overjoyed, but Maria spends most of the book club needling Varric mercilessly and Varric doing dramatic readings in silly voices to make her laugh. Cassandra eventually kicks both Maria and Varric out of the book club.

Finally, Cole and the Inquisitor cause an “accident” where Maria and Varric are trapped alone in the undercroft by a magical artifact Dagna was studying that creates a barrier. The Inquisitor says she will go get a mage to undo it and leaves. When the Inquisitor returns, several hours later, she interrupts Varric and Maria cuddling and looking out over the mountains. This locks in their romance. If Solas is still with the Inquisition, he will be the mage that undoes the barrier. He will say he is very happy for Maria and Varric before quickly leaving. If Solas is in a romance with the Inquisitor or already gone, Dorian will undo the barrier and say “It’s about time.”

If the Inquisitor is romancing Maria themselves, they will skip right to the end of this quest before the Arbor Wilds and end up locked in the Undercroft with Maria because of Cole’s “help”. Maria will confess her feelings and thank the Inquisitor for being patient. She’ll say they have lots of time before Cole gets help and ask what the Inquisitor would like to do. The Inquisitor may choose to talk or consummate the relationship, Maria will approve of either and the relationship will be locked in. Solas will retrieve them after a good amount of time and state he is glad they found happiness eventually.

Trespasser

If Maria was romanced by the Inquisitor:

She can be found in the gardens and it is revealed she has continued to work for the Inquisition. The Inquisitor can ask Maria to marry them and Maria confesses she thought she’d never get married again and it would feel like a betrayal. The Inquisitor can say Fynn would want Maria to be happy and Maria will say that they’re right, but she needs some time. After the first foray into the Crossroads, Maria can be approached again and will say yes. This cues a private marriage ceremony.

As the anchor worsens, Maria begs the Inquisitor not to leave her and says she can’t bear to be left alone again. The Inquisitor can promise to keep fighting or offer Maria comfort. The epilogue reveals a romanced Maria and the Inquisitor finally go visit Maria’s family in Ostwick and that Maria reforms the Ostwick Carta as a shadow organization to serve the Inquisitor in their quest to stop Solas (which she greatly approves of) or redeem Solas (which she’s much more wary of.)

If Maria and Varric started a romance:

Maria can be found near Varric at the fountain and will reveal that she’s been in Kirkwall helping Varric. Bran will interrupt your first conversation by calling her “My lady, the Viscount’s Mistress,” which will cue a small meltdown from Maria. She tells the Inquisitor to ignore Bran. If asked, Maria will reveal there’s apparently a special title for the person fucking the Viscount in Kirkwall. She’s unhappy about it. She’ll also talk about how her family has moved to Kikwall and that Varric is having a hell of a time dealing with her sister and grandmother.

Varric, while giving the Inquisitor their estate in Kirkwall, will say that Maria would love to have a friend in the city that doesn’t call her the Viscount’s Mistress. And then will advise the Inquisitor to never ever call Maria that if they know what’s good for them. The Inquisitor can ask Varric why they’re not married if she hates being his mistress so much. Varric simply sighs and says it’s complicated, but that they’re happy and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

An Elven servant brings the Inquisitor a note after the first foray into the Crossroads. This note reveals Maria is expecting a child. The next time the Inquisitor speaks to Maria, they’ll confront her with this information. Maria will attempt to deny it, then reveal the truth. She’s unsure how anyone would know since Varric doesn’t even know, the only people who do are her grandmother and sister. She’s not far along and wants to continue to fight. The Inquisitor can choose to allow this. If they do, Varric disapproves and Maria approves. If they do not, Maria disapproves and Varric approves. Maria is also removed as a party member the rest of the game, although she can still be spoken to.

Either way, after the second foray into the Crossroads Maria will hint that her and Varric have gotten married by correcting Bran when he calls her the Viscount’s Mistress and saying that it’s not her title anymore. When the Inquisitor asks, she’ll say they can celebrate after and asks the Inquisitor to make sure Varric stays safe if she is no longer a party member.

During the confrontation with Solas, he reveals that the servant was one of his spies and that he has been watching the Viscount’s Keep. When asked why, his answer varies depending If Solas has been romanced by the Inquisitor. If he has been, he will say that he would not see one of their friends hurt when they are vulnerable. If, however, he was not romanced by the Inquisitor he will tell them that he could not bear to see Varric and Maria hurt by the loss of a child in battle, hinting that he still has feelings from their time together in the Inquisition even if they were never acted upon. Solas indicates approval of keeping Maria out of the battle and disapproval of allowing her to stay.

After the game, Maria and Varric return to Kirkwall and the epilogue mentions they have a baby girl together and that Maria is the most unique Viscountess Kirkwall has ever had.

If Maria was not romanced and the romance with Varric did not trigger:

She can be found in the gardens and it is revealed she is still with the Inquisition, although she is toying with the idea of reforming the Ostwick Carta under her terms. She expresses concern as the Inquisitor becomes more and more ill, which eventually turns to anger towards the rest of the Exalted Council.

If Solas was romanced by the Inquisitor, Maria’s epilogue says that she returned to Ostwick and rebuilt the Carta there. An Inquisitor who is friendly with her uses them in their quest to stop Solas with Maria’s blessing.

If Solas was not romanced by the Inquisitor, Maria suddenly vanishes when she returns to Ostwick without a trace. There’s no sign of her working among Solas’ people, however, and most people agree she would not join Solas. Her fate is ultimately a mystery.

Combat comments

Kills an enemy

“I want that arrow back.”

“Sod off!”

Low Health

“I’m fine, stop staring and help me kill these things!”

“Right. I need to sit down.”

Low Health (Companions)

(The Inquisitor) “If you go down, I quit.”

(The Inquisitor - if romanced) “You absolutely don’t get to die on me.”

(Varric, romance not triggered) “Varric’s gotten quiet. Probably check on that.”

(Varric, if romanced) “Varric! Varric, talk to me!”

(Solas) “Solas is in trouble!”

(Bull) “If Bull goes down I’m not gonna have any cover!”

(Cole) “Stay away from Cole you bastards!”

Location comments

Crestwood

“What do people even do out here for fun? I’d be bored to tears.”

The Hissing Wastes

Maria: “Wish my grandmother could see these Dwarven tombs. She always said Orzammar was wrong. You can hear the Stone everywhere if you try hard enough.”

Inquisitor: “Have you ever heard it?”

Maria: “I’m not sure. But I know Orzammar is wrong about us. I’m as much a dwarf as they are.”

Storm Coast

“I’d like it here a whole lot more if it’d stop fucking raining.”

The Deep Roads (Descent DLC)

Maria: “I can hear it, you know.”

Varric: “I don’t hear anything.”

Maria: “I don’t think you’re trying very hard.”

Varric: “You’re probably right, Princess.”

Companion Banter:

Varric: “You’ve gotta be the nicest Carta member I’ve ever met.”

Maria: “That’s because I’m being paid really well.”

Varric: “Sure, Princess. Don’t worry, I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

Maria, laughing: “No you won’t.”

Maria: “Is it an act of protest?”

Varric: “I haven’t even started protesting, but I’m about to. If the Inquisitor makes us climb one more mountain…”

Maria: “Your beard. Or lack of beard, I suppose.”

Varric: “It was distracting from my chest hair. It had to go.”

Varric: “I’ve been doing some research into the Ostwick Carta…”

Maria: “Don’t.”

Varric: “Too late. What are you doing? You could be running that gang. He’s a-”

Maria: “If I wanted your opinion on my career, I’d ask for it.”

Varric: “I know a thing about complicated partnerships, you know. I’m just worried.”

Maria: “You’re not my father. Don’t act like you are.”

Maria: “Your shots keep veering left.”

Varric, sighing: “If you ask to fiddle with Bianca’s cocking ring…”

Maria: “I assumed it was cause you were staring at me.”

Varric: “At that templar that almost took your head off.”

Maria: “Uh huh. And the shots veering left were because of the cocking ring.”

Varric: “Speaking of staring… I can’t help but notice you’re a bit enamored.”

Maria: “If you don’t want people to stare, you should do up your shirt.”

Varric: “I absolutely want you to stare, Princess.”

Maria: “I’ll remember that if I decide to stare.”

Solas: “I cannot help but notice that you seem fond of Mistress Cadash.”

Varric: “Spend a lot of time noticing Maria?”

Solas: “She is difficult to miss.”

Varric: “Maybe you should tell her that next time she’s watching you paint.”

Solas: “You have a lovely voice.”

Maria: “Oh sweet Ancestors. Don’t tell me you were at the tavern too? Bull didn’t tell me what was in that drink and next thing I knew…”

Solas: “I was above. With Cole. He said you sounded like magic. He was not wrong.”

Maria: “I… thank you. You’re both full of it, but thanks.”

Bull, if in party: “Smooth. Very smooth.”

Varric: “Here you go, Princess.”

Maria: “A daisy?”

Varric: “That’s no common daisy. That’s a fine Orlesian Marguerite.”

Maria: “Very fancy. The Carta just calls them daisies.”

Varric: “You deserve something a bit fancy.”

Companion/Advisor comments about Maria Cadash:

Josephine: “Mistress Cadash is quite good at cards. I’ve not had that much of a challenge since I was a young girl. Do not wager anything you would not care to lose.”

Leliana: “Maria Cadash is putting herself and her family at great danger to stay here. I wish I could believe it was more than self-interest, but I wonder if she’s not willing to die before returning to Ostwick. It… it is a bit sad, isn’t it?”

Varric, romance not triggered: “Princess is a real Carta dwarf with a heart of gold. It’s probably going to get her killed someday. Carta isn’t kind to people like her.”

Varric, romance triggered: “Thanks for helping me with Maria. I owe you one. It’s not always easy, we’ve got a lot of baggage. But it was time to start a new story, and I needed a muse who could kick my ass every time I start acting like an idiot.”

Solas: “Maria Cadash is clever and curious. She’s wasted on the Carta. I suspect if you treat her well, she’ll be an ally to the Inquisition.”

Solas if Maria is in a romance with Varric or the Inquisitor: “I believe she is happy. That is all that matters in the end. I hope she remains so.”

Cole: “She locked it away. Couldn’t survive if she felt it. But she’s gone. A ghost. Everything haunts her. She doesn’t want to go back. You have to help her.”

Cole, if Maria is in a romance with the Inquisitor or Varric: “She thinks about how she buried him. Dirt in her fingers. Stone take him back. Ancestors guide him. Then she remembers she’s alive, and someone is waiting.”

Trivia

Maria reveals throughout dialogue that she’s a fan of Varric’s books, except his romance serial, which she thinks is ridiculous.

She can sing very well, but rarely does so. A romanced Maria (Varric or the Inquisitor) sings much more often than a non-romanced Maria.

She has trouble sleeping and spends the nights she can’t watching Solas paint. She’s fallen asleep on his sofa multiple times.

She is an expert marksman and a bit of a perfectionist. Any flaws in her technique have to be stamped out.

If her and Varric are in a relationship, their daughter is named Marguerite after the daisies Varric used to give her.

#dragon age #female cadash #varric tethras #dragon age inquisition #female cadash/inquisitor #female cadash/varric tethras #solas #omg this is so long #i'm so sorry

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lesetoilesfous · 3 years

Note

“You said you’d let them go” for Fenders with past Handers or FenHawke?

Aaaaaah I had too much fun with this one, I hope you like it!!!

Fandom: Dragon Age 2

Prompt: You said you would let them go

Pairing: Fenders

Characters: Fenris, Anders, Evil/Red Garrett Hawke

Warnings: Implied Abuse, Physical Abuse, Graphic Depiction of Injury

Additional Tags: Angst with a Bittersweet Ending, post DA2

Fenris is trekking through the Vimmark Mountains when he’s ambushed by Hawke, his pet mage and a group of nearly fifty mercenaries. Rain is falling, heavy and grey around them, and the trees on the slopes are tugged so violently by the wind that they move fluidly, like kelp in the sea. Fenris draws his sword, stepping back in the muddy path as he tries to spot a weak point in the mercenary’s formation. Nothing is immediately apparent but then, he supposes it wouldn’t be. Garrett Hawke didn’t go in for second rate hirelings.

Hawke steps forward, and Fenris hates the part of himself that quails when he does so - the part that knows with a terrible, dreadful finality that he is unlikely to win a swordfight with Garrett Hawke. Behind Hawke, Anders looks thin and exhausted as he ever has, his coat hanging even looser than usual over his shoulders. But his expression of resigned boredom transmutes into sudden, painful shock when he makes eye contact with Fenris.

Fenris can’t help it, he stares.

Above them, thunder booms in the sky as clouds embrace the mountain. Anders grabs at Hawke’s arm, ignoring the shorter, stronger man when he shakes him off. “You said you’d let him go.” Fenris stares, ears twitching as cold rain drops fall from the tips to his neck, unable to believe he’d heard correctly. But Anders grabs at Hawke again, pulling him off balance, and Fenris knows he should be making his move, now, whilst he still can, but he feels as if his feet are rooted in place. Anders speaks again, face pale and taut with lines of stress. “Garrett, you promised me you’d let him go.”

Hawke’s lips pull back from his teeth in a snarl a split second before he wheels and punches Anders in the face. Anders stumbles backwards, spitting blood into the long, thick, dark green grass. But he doesn’t straighten and tumble into the punch in return in the way that Fenris expects him to - the way he’d seen him do more than a dozen times in The Hanged Man after starting a barfight by shouting too loudly about the plight of the mages.

Instead, Anders hunches as Hawke turns to him - and again, Fenris should leave, he could easily fell any of the remaining mercenaries, he should go now whilst he still can. But he stares, instead, as Garrett grabs a fistful of Anders’ wet hair, the colour of old gold in the rain, and shakes him, hard. “You don’t get to talk to me like that, mage. Understand?”

Anders says nothing, and the rain falls around them, and Fenris stares, transfixed by this strange tableau. But then, eventually, the apostate’s body eases in a submission that Fenris can feel with aching familiarity in his own shoulders. “Yes, ser.”

Garrett grins, and uses his fist in Anders’ hair to press a punch of a kiss to his lips. Anders’ body is stiff and limp in his arms - not pulling away, but not responding, either. Rain drips cold down Fenris’ nose, and plasters his hair to his forehead. Then Garrett lets go of Anders, and turns and claps his hands, and the sound is loud even in the rain and growing thunder, and Anders flinches, hard.

Fenris adjusts his grip on the cloth wrapped around the hilt of his sword, and stares warily up at the human man in front of him. Garrett smiles, wolfish and bright and terribly handsome. “Now, where were we?”

Fenris braces himself, thinking - at least if I die now, I go down fighting. He thinks at least if I die now, I die free.

But then there’s a sudden flash of blue light, and Hawke collapses into the grass. Everything after this happens very fast. Anders draws a paralysis glyph with his finger in the air above Hawke’s body, and the glyph erupts with golden light. The mercenaries charge forward - half of them going for Fenris, the rest heading for Anders. Anders flings himself down to the thick grass, slamming his hands into the earth, and a crescent of ice erupts from the ground, skewering half a dozen of them. Then he turns, hair flinging rain drops around his head like crystals hanging on golden chains. “Fenris, GO!”

Fenris stares and wonders whether he’s dreaming. But then one of the mercenaries gets close enough to hit him with their warhammer, and Fenris is parrying without thinking, slicing straight through the wooden shaft of their weapon and taking their head off with it. Blood sprays, hot and salty across his face, and Fenris falls into the familiar rhythm of battle, heels slipping through the mud and wet grass. Below them, way below, Nevarra is a cradle of distant cities and wide, dark plains.

At some point in the fight, Fenris’ back slams up against someone else’s, and he whirls and barely stops himself from splitting Anders in two - Anders, who now that he’s this close he can see has a new scar on his cheek. Anders, who grins at him despite the pink blood on his teeth and the way his body’s shaking. “Just like old times!”

Fenris wants to ask whether he’s lost his mind, but then a mercenary comes at him with two swords drawn, and he has to focus.

When they’re done, panting and exhausted, both of them are covered in blood and viscera. Anders’ staff is splintered and one of his fingers is hanging crooked. Fenris is blessedly, miraculously unscathed, saved for a few scrapes and bruises which he doubts he’ll notice in the time they take to heal. Hawke is still unconscious, and Anders has renewed his paralysis glyph twice. Fenris doesn’t hesitate, marching across the slope of corpses towards the man he’d once considered a friend. Anders yelps, and runs across the grass towards him, feet slipping in the mud.

“Fenris, wait!”

Despite his better judgement, Fenris stops, lyrium bleeding white at the edges of his vision like a lightning spell. “You cannot tell me that you wish him to live.”

Anders stops and stares, jaw tightening, eyes clouded as he looks down at Hawke. When he looks up at Fenris, there’s a terribly familiar grief in his face. “I love him.”

Fenris ignores the way his stomach lurches. “No. You don’t.”

Then he bends, and plunges his hand into Hawke’s chest, and crushes his heart. By the time his fingers have found the warm meat of it, Anders is shouting, but the action is done when Anders tackles him, throwing him into the grass and swinging a fist at his face. Fenris grits his teeth and takes the blow, expecting more. But Anders stops, frozen and sobbing over him as the storm continues to grow, lightning striking the mountains above them and Nevarra below them. “You. You killed him.” Anders manages to say through quick, choked breaths.

Fenris meets his eyes. “I did.” He says, firmly. Anders chokes and reels back and away from him, scrambling backwards in the grass, eyes wide and half-crazed. With a grunt, Fenris sits up, rubbing his jaw. The mage did, at least, still know how to throw a punch. There’s something reassuring about that.

“Are you going to kill me too?”

Fenris shakes his head, and reaches into his belt for a flask of wine. He ought to have water on his belt and wine in his pack, he supposes. But he finds himself often in need of a stiffer drink. “No.” Fenris drinks, gulping down the sweet drink without giving himself a chance to taste it, only wanting to brutalise enough of his brain cells that the thorny mess of grief and anger and hurt and betrayal in his chest will fade into something he can live through. He tosses the flask to Anders, who stares at it as if it’s a brick from the golden city itself. “Why did you say, before, that he had promised you he would let me go? Why would he promise that to you?”

Instead of looking at Fenris’ face, Anders unscrews the flask and sniffs it suspiciously before drinking, deeply. His entire body is facing away from Garrett Hawke’s corpse, still frozen in the golden light of his paralysis spell. Eventually, Anders stops drinking, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and tossing the flask back to Fenris. Fenris catches it, though the leather slips in the rain, and scowls when he notices that it’s empty. Sighing, he reaches into his pack for a bottle, mentally calculating where he can next resupply. Eventually, Anders speaks, so quietly it’s snatched away on the wind. “It’s not important.”

Fenris pauses in his attempts to pour wine into his flask. The wind is so strong that it keeps snatching it away, and he thinks both of them should probably find shelter, but he also just killed his best friend and right now he doesn’t want to do anything except sit down and get drunk. He gives up on the flask, and presses the bottle to his lips, drinking until his throat hurts. Lightning cracks down the mountain above them so brightly that for a moment Fenris thinks it’s going to split in two. Anders gets to his feet.

“I should go.”

Fenris gets up, and blood rushes to his head in a dizzying flood. He picks himself up, slinging his greatsword over his back, and moves to grab Anders’ arm before the mental image of Garrett manhandling him flashes, unwelcome into his mind. He stops, dropping his hand between them over the sea of rippling grass, glossy with rain. “We should go. You will not get far alone.” Anders scoffs, and Fenris sighs, cutting him off before he can protest. “That is not a criticism. It’s pragmatism.” Then he begins the arduous process of hiking further up the slope.

Anders waits a while, with Garrett’s body. But Fenris doesn’t hear what he says. The wind snatches the words away in the opposite direction. He does look back at a flood of sudden heat, and sees Garrett and the other corpses burning against the storm in a sea of impossible fire.

It doesn’t take Fenris too long to find a usable cave, or set up a fire after that, though he refuses the wiggle of fingers in the direction of the firewood that constitutes Anders’ offer of help. Once they’re both drying off, and warmer - though hardly warm, with the wind ripping in against the stone and a gale blowing outside - Fenris asks the question again. “Why would he promise you that he’d let me go?”

Anders stares at the flames, his face haggard and far older, now, with the shadows exaggerating his wrinkles. “Because I asked him to.”

Fenris had eaten a rudimentary meal of jerky and nuts earlier, but Anders had refused anything. The flames dance reflected in his eyes and make him look ethereal. Ghostly. Fenris inclines his head, and bites down on his own frustration. “I gathered that. Why would you ask?”

Anders shrugs, and winces at the way it jostles his injured and now bandaged hand. “He wanted to hand you back to Danarius.” He looks at Fenris with a shadow of old humour when he adds, “Despite what some people might think, I’m against slavery.”

Fenris digests this, watching the flickering shadows dance across the floor like a Rivaini puppet show. Eventually he asks, quietly. “What did he ask in return?”

Anders says nothing, but something in his expression shutters and he moves to lie down, turning so that he’s facing the wall, away from the fire. Away from Fenris. Between them, echoing in the dark, the fire pops and spits. “Good night, Fenris.”

Fenris stares at the mage’s back, listening to his regular, uneven breaths, well aware that he’s awake. He considers prodding him further, answering the curiosity nagging at him like a loose tooth. But outside thunder cracks the sky open, and Anders jumps, and Fenris feels abruptly very old and very tired. So instead he sits back, resting his head against the cave wall, and stretching his legs beside the warmth of the fire. “Good night, Anders.”

#bad things happen bingo #dragon age 2 #fenris #anders da2 #my fic #midnightprelude

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hopelesshawks · 3 years

Text

Physical Fatality Part 8- The Fallout

18+ Hawks x fem, pro hero!reader

Summary: You’re a rising star in All Might’s agency. Hawks is the darling of Endeavor’s. By virtue of your job descriptions, the two of you are supposed to hate each other, or at the very least be cautiously neutral. For a long time that’s exactly what the two of you did. You stayed out of each other’s way and formed little opinion of the other. One fateful night at an HPSC gala changes all that. Based on the album Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey.

If you don’t want to see Physical Fatality content blacklist #hopelesspf

This story will have multiple NSFW parts so it is 18+ ONLY minors dni

Masterlist

You walk into the lobby of your agency already tired and irritable. You haven’t slept well the past couple days since the break up. That first night you’d drank well into the night alone in your room. Then last night you’d elected to take the graveyard patrol shift to avoid having to face your empty bed once again. As a result, you have zero patience for the stares and whispers you’re getting as you make your way over to the elevators. It’s early and you already are grappling with the fact you’re about to see Hawks for the first time since he ripped your heart out. As you get into the elevator you have to resist the temptation to groan as a few of your coworkers also enter. It is blissfully quiet for awhile until one of them decides to try and pipe up before exiting onto his floor. “I always knew you were a traitor and a slut,” he sneers at you as he steps out of the elevator.

You will be having none of that. Fuck this guy.

You‘ve already been using your quirk a lot because of patrol so you should probably be giving it a rest but instead you use it to grab hold of the guy, drag him back into the elevator, and slam him up against the side. The couple people remaining quickly scurry out, not wanting to be caught in your anger, as you release your quirk and instead press him against the elevator with a hand on his throat. The elevator continues its ascent but you pay very little mind. “What the fuck did you just call me?” you ask him, your tone lethal. “I-I’m sorry,” the man stutters, eyes filled with fear, “it’s just we all saw the photos of you with Hawks.” Your blood runs cold but you refuse to let this coward see his words have any kind of effect on you. “What photos?” you demand. “The ones of you and Hawks in the alleyway. One of the tabloids ran a whole article on it and now a few others are trying to pick up the pictures and run their own story,” the man explains. The door pings indicating you’ve reached your floor and you’ve gotten the only useful information you’ll get out of the guy anyway. “The fear you’re feeling right now? Remember it the next time you think about talking shit,” you hiss at the guy before releasing him and storming out of the elevator.

You do think back over what he said though. The pictures from the alleyway? You pull out your phone and type your own name into Google. Who cares if you’re late to the meeting at this point, you need to know what the fuck is going on. Immediately the search results are flooded with the article the man was referencing. You pull it up and each successive word has you feeling nauseous. The pictures even more so. They’re from the day you and Hawks broke up, when he had pulled you into the alleyway. You knew it. You fucking knew that was too risky and that you two would get caught. Then the bastard had the nerve to shatter your heart into pieces later that same day. The more you think about it the angrier you become. You don’t make the conscious decision to storm into the meeting necessarily but before you know it your feet are taking you that direction. You shove the doors to the conference room open, causing everyone to turn to you bewildered. They must not have seen the headlines yet if they’re shocked by what they see. Now that you think about it, had you even stopped drowning your sorrows long enough to tell Bakugo and Midoriya about the break up? You’re about to say something, you’re not sure what, when your eyes finally land on Hawks and the bastard has the nerve to also look like he’s had a shitty couple days.

You see red.

You lunge forward at the man who’d shattered your heart and probably just ruined your career. You are desperate to do something, anything, to make him feel a fraction of what you’re feeling right now. Deku and Bakugo are quick to catch you and try to hold you back but you struggle admirably against their hold. When that doesn’t work you reach out with your quirk to pin Hawks, wings and all, against the opposite wall. Tokoyami moves to defend his friend but Shoto gives a slight shake of his head to warn him against interfering. Silver veins crawl up your arms and it hurts but you don’t care because it’s nothing compared to the pain in your heart. “You fucking bastard! I told you we’d get caught! You don’t get to leave me and fuck up my career,” you yell and you see something like shock and guilt flash behind Hawks’ eyes but that only enrages you further. Midoriya and Bakugo agree that that’s enough and so both of them use their quirks to force you to the ground, pinning you. “You need to calm down,” Midoriya tells you sternly. “Fuck off,” you spit back. “No. Calm. Down. This isn’t going to help you but if you explain what’s going on maybe we can sort this out,” he insists. You glare him down for awhile but as the red haze finally fades and your anger returns down to a simmer you finally relax and release Hawks from your quirk. “Good, now, Kacchan and I are going to let you up and you’re not going to lunge at Hawks. Right?” Midoriya asks. “Right,” you huff.

Bakugo and Midoriya release you and you stand up off the floor but uphold your end of the bargain and don’t lunge out at Hawks again. He’s giving you a sad look and it pisses you off but you don’t want to be physically restrained again and Midoriya is right that it solves nothing. “Have any of you read today’s gossip headlines?” you ask. You get a chorus of no’s back, those from Shoto and Tokoyami being confused, but the other three know where this is heading. “(Y/n) I-“ Hawks starts but he’s interrupted by a new voice. “I’m sorry am I interrupting something? A lover’s spat perhaps? You’ll have to get used to those Hawks,” Monoma snarks and you grit your teeth. “What the fuck do you want extra?” Bakugo asks. “All Might would like to see my ex-fiancé in his office,” Monoma replies. You’re immediately filled with dread but you refuse to give him the satisfaction of letting it show on your face. Instead you just glare at him as you turn to leave the room.

The walk to All Might’s office feels like a death march and it occurs to you that you wish you didn’t have to do it alone. Your treacherous heart tells you that you wish Keigo was with you but you shake the thought away as quickly as it comes. You enter into All Might’s office and try not to let your nerves show. “You wanted to see me sir?” you ask as you walk into the office. “Yes, sit down,” All Might says as he gestures to the chair in front of his desk. Even after all these years it’s still odd seeing All Might in his scrawny form. After all you had grown up on the image of the symbol of peace, standing tall and broad, towering above villains. Still, even though he looks positively skeletal, he’s intimidating as ever as you sit across from him. Maybe because he holds the future of your career in his hands. “I’m assuming you’ve seen the headlines,” All Might sighs and you nod. There isn’t much you can say to that. “I figured after you left Monoma, which I still don’t understand, that you would go back to sleeping around but I also assumed you would keep things a little more subtle than this. I mean Hawks? Really? I don’t ask for much, (y/n), but we talked about this,” All Might continues. “I know we did, but-“ you start but All Might cuts you off. “No buts, I warned you what would happen if we went through this again. The agency has a reputation to maintain.” “But this time is different!” “How is this any different than the last time you were caught sleeping around, other than how high profile this one is?” “We’re in love!” It hurts to say it. It hurts because Hawks doesn’t love you anymore but you’re desperate to save your career. “Really?” All Might asks with a raise of his brow. “Yes, really. You can ask Izuku and Katsuki, they’ll back me up. I’ve been seeing Hawks in secret. I know I should’ve told you but we were worried because of the feud. We got sloppy and the paparazzi caught us before we could make an official announcement or anything,” you lie and god how you wish it were true even as you say it. Maybe that’s why the lie is so convincing. All Might sighs heavily, you’re probably giving him a migraine, but he seems to believe you. “All right well if that’s the case we’ll have to set up an interview ASAP so you two can officially announce your relationship and dispel any rumors that you’re back to sleeping around. I know you don’t like them but I’ll be expecting the two of you to make appearances at some of the major HPSC events,” he tells you. “Of course, thank you sir,” you sigh out in relief. You have no idea how you’ll convince Hawks to play along but something tells you at worst you can guilt him into it. “That’s not all (y/n), I’m pulling you from the task force,” All Might adds. “You’re what!? But sir!” “No. I won’t budge on this. Monoma will be taking your place.” “But I haven’t done anything wrong!” “Look I can’t control whether Hawks stays on or not but I can control whether you do. It is a bad idea for you to be romantically involved with someone on the task force so you’re off the team effective immediately. You are to collect all of your notes and files on the matter and hand them over to Monoma. Do I make myself clear?” “Yes sir...” “Good.” You rise to leave the office, frustrated tears already threatening to fall as you make your way to the door. “For what it’s worth (y/n),” All Might says and you pause to listen, “I am happy for you.” You nod in acknowledgment of what he’s said but you don’t otherwise respond. You don’t think any words would come out if you tried and you’d hate to cry in front of you boss.

You leave All Might’s office and head to your desk, fishing out all of the files and notes you’d been taking, all of your hard work from over the past couple months. You then head back to the conference room. The atmosphere is tense and judging by the looks everyone is giving you they’ve all read the article by now. “Monoma can you give me a minute with the others?” you ask, although your eyes never leave the stack of papers in your arms. “I don’t know little Artemis, it’s rude to kick out guests you know,” he replies. “Neito please. You already won, can you just-“ you ask, trailing off as you finally make eye contact with him. He hesitates. He doesn’t revel in your pain, not really, and he never quite understood the magnitude of how important your reputation is to you and to your career. In all the time the two of you had been together you’d never explained, so, because, in spite of everything, part of him still loves you, he relents. “Fine. But I’m going to wait outside because I want to, not because you told me to,” Monoma huffs before going to do just that.

“What do you mean he already won?” Midoriya asks and you hate the pity on his face. “I’m being pulled off the case. Monoma will be taking over for me, effective immediately,” you answer. “What? That’s bullshit! All Might can’t just-“ Bakugo fumes but you cut him off. “He can and he did. I’m lucky I talked him out of worse,” you explain. A heavy silence falls over the room. “Speaking of which,” you sigh as you turn to face Hawks. He looks like a deer caught in headlights. It might have been funny under different circumstances. You steel yourself, he doesn’t get to see you weak anymore, and meet his eyes with cold determination. “Look, about what I said the other day,” Hawks starts and he’s tripping over and choking on his words as if he has any right to be nervous or upset right now. “Save it. I have watched you devour me like you mistook me for bread these past few months. Are you fed now?” you start. Hawks opens his mouth to answer but you shut him down immediately. “Don’t. It’s a rhetorical question. You give me the messiest head and I get you don’t give a shit about me but now my career is on the line so you’re going to listen up whether you want to or not,” you continue and Hawks’ face is turning red, shame and frustration and guilt coming off him in waves. Good. You want to give the impression that you got the message he wishes you were dead. You don’t believe it, not fully, but it will give you the edge you need to convince him to agree to your terms. He looks like he’s about to break into a sweat at any minute so you decide now is the time to give your proposal. “We aren’t done. I am undoing your little fucking break up from the other day. I won’t let us finish yet,” you say, your voice filled with a confidence you don’t have. “Is that a threat?” Shoto asks, but you shake your head before going back to addressing Hawks. “Don’t take this as a threat. All I’m saying is if you don’t love me anymore then lie. If you don’t you’ll end my career,” you finish.

It’s like the air’s been sucked out of the room as everyone waits for Hawks’ response. He never thought it would come to this. He’s never felt so selfish in his life now for how he ended things and the assumptions he made after talking to Endeavor. Perhaps he was naive, just not in the way Endeavor had implied. He was naive to think the press would just leave you alone about moving on when they have repeatedly demonstrated you are their favorite punching bag. He was naive to think Endeavor somehow knew you better than he did based off of nothing but your employer and former hero ranking. Maybe, though, this could be his second chance. Maybe he could use this opportunity to explain and show you he does still love you. “Did you hear me?” you ask and it snaps Hawks out of his thoughts. “I heard what you said. I won’t have to lie, I do still love you. We love each other and that’s not something we can change. I’ll explain everything later,” he swears but he can tell you don’t believe it. He forms his own game plan. Treat you right and you won’t complain, then maybe he can get you to listen to his side of the story and undo the damage he wrought. “Whatever Hawks, as long as we’re in agreement,” you sigh. “I’m serious, (y/n) we won’t have to lie,” Hawks insists and it makes you hesitate. Not for long, but just long enough for Hawks to see a glimmer of hope.

You toss the stack of papers you have onto the conference table and turn to leave. “Where are you going?” Midoriya asks. “I said effective immediately didn’t I? I’m going back out on patrol,” you respond. “Don’t be an idiot, you should give your quirk time to rest,” Bakugo protests but you roll your eyes before ultimately ignoring him and walking out the door. Hawks watches the whole exchange, noting that the silver veins on your forearms hadn’t even entirely disappeared yet even as you storm out. Every move of his will be vital now if he wants to win you back, including the ones he makes in front of Bakugo and Midoriya when you’re not around. He’s sure they’d love nothing more than to rip him apart right now. Monoma re-enters the room and that effectively kills any more conversation that could be had on the matter but Hawks knows what he has to do.

He has to win you back.

Author’s Note: We in the second half now bois and it is a whole nother animal. The inspiration really hit yesterday so I’m hoping I can keep up that energy and get quite a few updates in at a faster pace than the last few before 7 and the interlude were in. These last few have been more overtly connected to the associated song from the Halsey album I think so it may be fun to listen as you read and see what lines you can spot, idk

Taglist [open]: @akkaso @cathy8taffy @eeppff @iikillerkitteh @pixelwisp

#hopelesspf #wing hero hawks #hawks x reader #hawks x y/n #hawks

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emerald-amidst-gold · 3 years

Note

18 19 20 27 28 from the protag questions <3

Ooooo! Lots of goodies! o3o You all spoil me~! X3

Thank you so much! Let's get into it! >:D

18. What is the biggest similarity between your protagonists?

Grey morality. PFFFFT!

I'm serious. I have a habit of creating characters that have questionable methods to situations, but yet can be empathized with or even sympathized with. Fane, Rylen, and Elise all do what they have to do, and it's up to the audience to formulate whether or not they agree or disagree with their personalities and actions.

I'll say this once because I've had people in the past kind of...bash me for it, but just because your character has a specific view does not necessarily mean you as the creator share that same view. That isn't me throwing swings out at self-inserts or characters that are reflections of their creators, this is just how I feel in response to my own characters. I try to disconnect from my characters because I want them to be their own. I build the foundation, give them a name, a history, or a family to influence them, but I don't steer their minds, their decisions. They flow the way they want to flow. Simple as that. Fane is the OC that is most reflective of me, but not with everything. He has his own methods, own reasons for thinking the way that he does and so do I.

I think it has a lot of my fixation on making characters teeter has to do with how I interact with the world in real life. I just...don't see black and white. I give everything the benefit of the doubt and I hold my ground concerning my views even if others might see them as 'wrong' or 'controversial'. I'm horribly analytical and I'm always like, 'But what if...'. That's just...me. XD

But yeah! Grey characters are my vice and I'm not sure if I'm doing it right most of the time, but I try! :3

19. What is the biggest difference between your protagonists?

Mainly how they approach situations and their feelings surrounding leadership.

Fane is rash, doesn't plan, doesn't think everything through before acting or he just outright chooses not to. He tends to make decisions on his own, but mainly only in battle. In more diplomatic settings, Fane is the master of deferral. XD He divvies out tasks that he feels aren't his area from either a lack of interest, a lack of confidence in himself, or just feeling that someone else would be the better option.

Rylen has his moments of brashness, but he's pretty subdued, go with the flow type of deal, but most who know him intimately know he's pretty high strung when it comes to matters where his voice has power. Man's a ball of stress and anxiety. PFFT!

Elise is the calmest out of the three. It was practically trained into her in the Circle. She's also just inherently docile, but after the Blight she does have moments of being feral and unhinged. That mostly happens if one of her companions are in danger or if her own life is threatened. She's not afraid to make her voice heard, either. Generally, Elise is soft spoken, but she will stand up for herself and other people, despite the grief it could cause her.

20. Who handles responsibility the best? And who handles it the worst?

If Fane puts his mind to it, he can handle responsibility pretty well. His want to involve himself deeply in matters doesn't happen until after Adamant and only gets stronger and stronger after Trespasser. Fane is a force when he wants to be and Solas tries to draw that out, to make him realize he can do whatever he puts his mind to. However, Elise would be the best in terms of responsibility. She had a lot in the Circle, even more during the Blight, and a substantial amount as Warden-Commander. Does she wish she could rest? Of course! But she doesn't complain because she knows she can make change. Rylen's okay with responsibility; he becomes Viscount after all. But, he is prone to slacking off at times, but really only after the Chantry explosion. The guy is TIRED. What can I say? XD

All in all, none of them bad at handling responsibility. They just have different ways that they go about it! :D

27. What would their fears on the graves in the fade during Here Lies The Abyss be?

Yes, yes, yes, YES! The question! The big question! The question that leads to Fane and Solas' first kiss! AHAHAHAH! >:D

Elise - Betrayal. This is more in terms of Elise towards herself and her own actions. She's afraid that everything she's ever done has been one great betrayal to everyone and everything she has ever cared about. She had no choice but to witness Jowan become Tranquil, Alistair, so hurt and angered by her decision at the Landsmeet, abandoned her to face the possibility of the death alone, her faith was sundered after the Broken Circle, making her fear her magic for the first time in her life and making her wonder when she would become the very monsters she had just finished killing. The list goes on. Elise made so many decisions in service to the world, but she silently wonders when it'll all come crashing down around her, when everyone will leave her because they'd been betrayed.

Rylen - Wasn't enough. Rylen wrestles constantly with the fact that he's never been strong enough. He wasn't strong enough for Carver; the ogre ripping him from their family and pounding into pulp. He wasn't strong enough for Bethany; unable to protect her from the templars, so he opted to take her to the Deep Roads, thinking it would be safer, but it wasn't. He wasn't strong enough for his mother; his eyes focused on the horizon rather than the ground that began it all.

And he hadn't been strong enough to end Corypheus for good. We all know what happened wasn't Hawke's fault, but Rylen the master of blaming himself for everything, so that's one event he dwells about every. day. every. night.

Last, but not least, FANE. *sounds the horns* You ready? You ready?! >:D

Fane - To be forgotten. That's right.

That's Fane's biggest, deepest fear; to be forgotten. I know there's only been a few chapters of my main fic that kind of reference this, but you know how Fane constantly says to himself, 'I wish I could be forgotten. It would be better if I would just disappear and be forgotten.'? Yeah, it's a front. He's trying to convince himself that that's what he wants, but in actuality, it's reversed. He's terrified, terrified of being forgotten by the world, by his sister, by the Inquisition...

...by Solas. That's the worst person who could forget Fane. And around the time of Adamant, Solas and Fane being the stubborn fools that they are, act as if they haven't known each other for fucking centuries even though the truth literally screamed at them after Haven. They were lost together in the mountains with that truth hanging between them, and still they ignored it because it hurt and they both felt they didn't deserve the hope that they could be together. Fane attempts to unearth some lost memories, some lingering feelings, but Solas wasn't ready and guided them away from that unopened bag, refusing to let Fane in on his agenda or allowing him to help in any way. It gets to a point where Fane starts to believe Solas doesn't actually recall their relationship, who he is and he spirals pretty bad in the Raw Fade when that tombstone is glaring at him.

When Solas sees it...he cracks. Quietly, in his mind, but he realizes how stupid he'd been, how stupid they had been. The truth was looking at him in two tones and he ignored it out of fear. It's what spurs Solas to take Fane into the Fade and show his dragon the place where he had endeavored to make sure the other would never be forgotten. Solas also makes it clear that he had never forgot Fane, ever.

"I could never forget you, my dragon. Your memory lingered within the halls of my mind even as I slumbered. I am but a fool, a fearful fool. I thought it kinder to let you live a new life, unburdened by my burdens. I do not wish for the past to repeat itself, to see two tones ebb away and breath leave your lungs once more.", Solas said, eyes downcast, pained grimace housing sorrow, grief, and despair in its curves. "...But, it is not kinder. It is more agonizing to try and forget than it is to remember. Though, I have never tried to erase you from my memory nor have I tried to abandon what I felt for you--what I feel for you.'

Fane frowned, tugging on the mage's forearms to bring him closer, urgently, but timidly; Solas didn't even protest, but his eyes remained downcast. "What do you feel, Solas?", he asked and received no answer. "What do you feel, Solas?! What can't you forget?!", he repeated, voice echoing off the halls of death and remembrance. He needed these words, he needed to know!

What did the sky feel?! What did it remember?! He just wanted one damned answer in this upside down world!

Solas' eyes shut slowly, chest rising with a deep inhale. "I..", he started, but paused again, face twitching with hesitance and reservation. "No, it's not--!"

Fane growled low. "Enough! If you won't tell me,", he barked, yanking Solas forward by his arms, barely registering the grunt of surprise that left his lips, and shot his hands up to hold a bewildered face. "...then show me!"

I tease~ >:3

-----

28. What is their favourite location within their own game and what would be their favourite in each others?

I answered this ooooonnnneee HERE! >:D (I would just copy and paste, but it LONG. ADHDKS)

And there we have it! Beautiful! Perfect! And FUN! X3

#asks #ask #dragon age #oc: fane lavellan #oc: elise amell #oc: rylen hawke #woo! all asks answered! :3 #these were a lot of fun! the questions were different and interesting too! X3 #thank you so much again! <3 #guys i drabbled again #this is how i get my inspiration surprisingly enough #i just have a lot of solavellan feels and it's only doubly with fane and solas ;3;#solavellan

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dungeons-and-dragon-age · 3 years

Note

47, 48, 49, and 50!

hey hey, thanks for the ask!

47. Best antagonist in the series?

I meann does Solas count? He hasn't technically been an antagonist yet but I think you can't argue that he's the best set up antagonist so far. I think Meredith was pretty good too because imo you get the feeling that she really does believe she is doing what is best, that she's entirely convinced that she is right and that there is no other way, but even so it's so easy to just hate her and everything she does because it is so clearly wrong.

48. Worst antagonist in the series?

Corypheus for sure. I mean, conceptually and from a lore standpoint he is incredibly interesting! But his execution was.... eh. His presence in Inquisition is really weak despite supposedly being this big threat, and he generally doesn't come across half as menacing and dangerous as he is supposed to be. I guess it's partly the fault of DAI's game design that there is not much sense of urgency or suspense, but also Corypheus's whole motivation isn't exactly the most nuanced x'D Idk he just feels very shoehorned in as a plot device to fill the empty villain spot until Solas takes that place, and I think it's a bit disappointing they didn't do more with Cory

Also thanks to emerald-amidst-gold i remembered that Erimond also exists and that I cannot stand him lmao

49. Something you do in EVERY DA playthrough, no matter what?

Hmm I don't think I have anything I always do? I've only done 2 playthroughs of each game so far (well, technically 3 for DA2 but i replayed Liam so my choices were the same, and I'm still not done with Ari yet ^^"), so I don't think I can call something I happened to do both times "always" lol. I think you can say though that I'll always do some quests that would be OOC for the reward or the lore info. So e.g. I fought Flemeth with Kala too for the EXP even tho IC she refused to do it. Or I did all sidequests I could find with June cos it was my first playthrough and I wanted to do everything, even though she never would've bothered with most of them or would have straight up refused doing it (e.g. capture suledin keep).

50. Describe your perfect playthrough for any DA game.

As in what I personally would consider the ideal for each major choice? mm let's see

DAO: Connor alive & unpossessed, breaking the Werewolf curse, Mages saved, Ashes not defiled, Anchor destroyed, (really don't know about Orzammar's king tho), Alistair rules alone (technically i like his warden ending better but yknow.. dai.....), Loghain executed or conscripted to the Wardens

Da2: Hawke's sibling lives (Carver-> Wardens, Bethany-> Circle), Arishok killed in duel, Feynriel left for Tevinter, sided with Mages, (find Charade & reconcile her and Gamlen), spare Anders

DAI: Allied with Mages, leave Stroud in the Fade, Wardens conscripted, blackmailed peace or Celene and Briala reconciled, Inquisition disbanded

#thanks again!#I cropped the antagonist answer a big cos my og answer was so long lol #but my point still stands #he had so much great potential 😔#ask game

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kittinoir · 3 years

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Phantoms Ch. 11

Read on Ao3

With just the two of them on patrol, things felt almost like they used to. Almost. There was nothing familiar about the too-casual, lingering touches between them, or in the way Ladybug looked at Chat Noir and felt her heart swell to bursting with affection, but if this was her new normal, she thought she could get used to it.

If only she didn’t have to also get used to the fear that dogged every glance, every brush, every moment. Even as it faded with every day that passed, it never quite disappeared. She sometimes wondered if it ever would.

But not in that moment. Sitting this close to him on the edge of the roof, closer than she ever would have before, their knees pressed together, fear of the future was momentarily held at bay. Adrien had that effect on her.

“Don’t get mad,” Chat Noir said, breaking their comfortable, if loaded silence, thick with all the things they couldn’t say to each other, “But it’s been…really quiet lately.”

“Don’t you dare jinx us!” Ladybug said, but she couldn’t help a laugh. “But…you’re right. I don’t know if I should be worried or relieved.”

“With Hawk Moth?” Chat Noir said, glancing sidelong at her. “Always worried.”

Ladybug didn’t say it, but she’d grown so use to worrying that it hardly felt like anything anymore. He had a point, though. Hawk Moth wasn’t taking a break: he was gearing up. Someone like that didn’t just disappear.

Almost as though their thoughts had summoned him, both Ladybug and Chat Noir leapt to their feet as someone shot out of the clouds towards them, faster than anything they’d ever seen.

“Koira,” Chat Noir said suddenly, his baton stilling in his hand. Moments later, Ladybug could spot the details her partner had already seen and slowed her yoyo as well. Had they missed an akuma alert?

“What is it?” Ladybug demanded as Koira landed hard, skidding across the roof. He was panting, having pushed Barkk to his limits, but Koira didn’t give off the impression he was staying as he stalked back to them.

“It’s Hawk Moth,” Koira said, loosing the hammer at his hip. He flipped the hammer head down and revealed the screen on the handle, a small black and yellow icon flashing in the top right corner. “We - Chloe…I think she found him.” He met Chat Noir’s confused gaze. “There’s no easy way for you to learn this, but…your father…”

“You’re wrong,” Ladybug said automatically, though Koira’s announcement stirred old suspicions that she’d never totally managed to put to rest. “Gabriel Agreste was cleared a long time ago when he was akumatized.”

“Then maybe you can explain this,” Koira said, thrusting his hammer at them.

It displayed a photo of a portrait and a hole in the ground of what looked like some kind of sitting room or office. It seemed vaguely familiar, but Ladybug couldn’t place it. She read the message attached instead: Still think this is a waste of time?

“So he has another safe in the floor,” Chat Noir said in a voice Ladybug had only heard once before. “So what? Did she find the one behind the portrait, too, while she was snooping through my father’s office?”

Ladybug turned and was met with the same disbelief, the same anger that had come over her partner the first time she’d voiced her thoughts aloud. Now it all made sense. She supposed she should have been grateful he’d followed her lead at all.

“I hope you have more than this,” she said instead of taking Chat Noir’s hand in her own to offer comfort like she wanted to.

“This is the last message Queen Bee sent before she vanished,” Koira snapped, reholstering his hammer. “The Grimoire came from him. She went there, and then she disappeared.”

“Chloe is always disappearing,” Chat Noir said, and edge of desperation in his voice now. “Whenever things gets hard or they don’t go her way, she vanishes.”

“You know that’s not true!” Koira shouted, and Ladybug had to admit, even if Chat Noir didn’t know that, she did. Chloe had stopped running a while ago. That wasn’t to say Chloe couldn’t have a moment of weakness, but this wasn’t adding up. At least not to that.

“You know what, it doesn’t matter,” Koira said, abruptly turning from them. “The only reason I even came here was because she made me promise that… But it doesn’t matter. Sit here in denial if you want, but I’m going to do what you should have been doing all along: take the problem out at the root.”

He’d made it all of two steps before Chat Noir’s baton swept his feet out from under him, sending Koira sprawling.

“If you think I’m going to let you attack my father because of some half-baked investigation you two did, you have another thing coming,” Chat Noir snarled.

“Enough!”

Ladybug stepped between them, trying to ignore the rage pouring off her partner in waves.

“Koira, if there’s even the slightest chance you’re right, you can’t seriously expect we’d just let you walk into the same trap Queen Bee did.” Ladybug didn’t think she imagined his wince, but it was hard to tell. Felix rarely conceded anyone’s point.

“Chat Noir,” she continued, turning to the familiar stranger her partner had become, “I think we owe it to ourselves and this city to lay these suspicions to rest once and for all.”

Chat Noir reacted as though she’d struck him. “Are you telling me you…believe him…?”

“I’m saying we have to be sure, one way or the other,” Ladybug said softly, silently begging him to understand. “We’ve both been in two places before, too.”

Ladybug turned back to Koira before she could register her partner’s reaction. She knew her stance would feel like a betrayal, but she knew even so he’d see the value in confirming his fathers innocence. At least, she hoped it would be innocence. She could hear Adrien’s voice in her head as clearly as if he’d spoken the words out loud: he’d already lost his mother. He couldn’t lose his father, too.

“Assemble the team,” Ladybug said to Koira. “I want everyone here in an hour or less. No excuses. We’ll deal with this, once and for all.” But first she needed to talk with her partner - without his needling cousin a few feet away.

“But Chloe - ”

“Is smarter and more resourceful than you give her credit for.” Ladybug didn’t miss Felix’s wince this time, and she couldn’t help but hope she had hit a nerve. “And will not be thanking us if all we do is get ourselves captured trying to help her. That’s the worst case scenario. For all we know, she just fell down that shaft and is need of rescue. Chat Noir is right; this ‘investigation’ needs more work. Now go.”

Koira scowled but leapt from the roof without another protest, leaving her alone again with Chat Noir, a prospect that had been much more appealing only ten minutes ago.

“You’re not seriously entertaining this, are you?” Chat Noir demanded as she walked back to him. His baton was trembling in his fist and he wouldn’t meet her eyes. “If he were Hawk Moth, I would know. I would…How could I not…”

He trailed off as the implications began to set in. This time Ladybug did step up to him and wrap her arms around his waist, placing her head on his chest, but she felt him lock up beneath her touch.

“We don’t have enough information,” Ladybug said, avoiding his questions. “But Adrien…whatever we do, we have to be sure.”

He jerked in her arms at the use of his real name, but a moment later, she heard the clatter of the baton against the rooftop and then the comforting weight of his own arms around her as he pulled her close.

“It’s not that it can’t be him,” Adrien admitted quietly as he laid his cheek on the top of her head, “But if he’s been there the whole time…and I could have…”

“Hawk Moth’s crimes do not lay at your feet,” Ladybug said firmly, twisting her face up towards him and refusing to let his eyes stray from hers. “I’ve been to your house during Hawk Moth’s reign. Is it my fault I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary? Tikki’s, for not sensing another kwami’s presence?”

“Of course not, but you didn’t live with him,” Chat Noir protested.

“Hawk Moth isn’t sloppy,” Ladybug said. Why couldn’t she find the right words? “If he didn’t want you to know, you wouldn’t. That’s no one’s fault. What matters is what we do next.”

“And what’s that?” he asked with a bitter chuckle as he dropped his arms. “Arrest him? Storm my house? Fight it out in the backyard?”

“We check our facts,” Ladybug said, reluctantly letting him go. “We check everything. Regardless of who your father may or may not be, Chloe is missing and her last known location is your house. Either she fell down a servants elevator, or…or she found something. If nothing else, we have to look for her, or at least some clues as to what happened to her. For all we know, your father could be a hapless pawn in all this. Maybe all he needs our help.”

Chat Noir blew out a breath as he turned to look out over the city. He was still reeling, she could see that. She couldn’t blame him. If it had been her own father, would she have been so calm? No, she knew, she would not. In point of fact, he would have been chasing her across the city, trying to catch her before she ripped the bakery door of its hinges.

“What do you need?” she asked softly. More than anything, she wanted to hold him, love him, support him the way someone who was more than just a friend could. She couldn’t see how their relationship could lead to that horrible future that dogged her sleeping hours, especially now when he was obviously in so much pain. Could it really be so much worse than the present playing out in front of her?

“I need my dad to not be Hawk Moth,” Chat Noir said without turning. “And if he is, I need to do something. Luckily, I’m as clever as I am handsome.”

Ladybug frowned. “Adri -”

He pivoted abruptly, laying a single clawed finger against her lips. “Ah-ah. Your rule, remember, Ladybug?”

Ladybug’s heart gave a painful squeeze as she beheld his face. The light that had danced in his eyes since she’d met him, the warmth and humour, had shuttered and gone out. She may have put the wall between them before, but he was the one putting it there now.

’No,’ she wanted to beg, ’Don’t. Don’t shut me out. You don’t have to do this alone.’ Was this how he’d felt all those months she’d been missing? Desperately wondering how to fix something when you weren’t even sure just how it had broken? How to help someone who shut you out?

“You have a plan?” she made herself ask, suppressing a shiver as he dropped his hand from her mouth. He wasn’t alone. She wouldn’t allow it.

“The beginnings of one,” Chat Noir said as he opened the calendar feature on his baton. “My father is hosting a charity auction at our house in two days as a fundraiser for the foundation he created in… Lots of guests, fancy dress affair, the perfect time to do some reconnaissance and a possible rescue. Kagami, Felix, and I are, of course, already on the guest list.” He paused, and Ladybug glimpsed the momentary slip of his calm. “Chloe was, too.”

“Any chance you can get anyone else in?” Ladybug asked. Normally she was the one who came up with the plans, but she could feel how much he needed this in the absence of someone to actually fight. “A…date, maybe?”

Chat Noir’s eyes were narrowed in concentration as he mentally went through his elusive father’s rules and regulations. “I have to bring Lila. Kagami and Felix have an available plus one, though.”

Ok, she’d be lying if that didn’t sting. Little Lila did anymore bothered Ladybug, but being Adrien’s date? She knew how it would look to the press. Judging by Chat Noir’s face, he knew, too. So why did it matter?

The answer was instantaneous.

Because even if it was contractual, even if it was for show, what Lila would have was more real than the moments she and Adrien stole when they hoped fate wasn’t looking.

“Kagami can bring Max as her plus one,” Ladybug said as though her heart wasn’t on fire. “If he can sneak away, he can open a portal long enough for a few of us to get in. I’ll go with Felix.”

Chat Noir’s head snapped up at that, but he bit back his protest before he could make it. “Makes sense,” he bit out, the cool facade falling back into place. “Who sneaks in?”

“Luka,” Ladybug said, listing them on her fingers. “Juleka, Mylene, Alya, and Nino. Anyone else?”

Chat Noir shook his head. “The fewer there are, the smaller the risks.”

Over his shoulder, Ladybug could see multiple flashes of colour making their way towards them, weaving around one another like planets caught in her and Chat Noir’s gravitational pull.

“It’s a good plan,” Ladybug said as her gaze slide back to her partner. “I…Adr - ”

Before she could try again, Rena Rouge, Carapace, and Viperion landed on the roof. The others weren’t far behind. She watched her partner greet them, his face a mask of grim determination, no hint of the storm she knew he must be feeling. All this time, she thought she’d been afraid of Adrien’s reaction if he knew she knew his identity. Maybe what she’d really been afraid of was her own feelings about it. Maybe what she’d really been afraid of was the truth. Maybe Adrien was just smart enough to know the difference.

“I heard there’s a major development?” Rena Rouge said as Kele and Aurochs dropped onto the roof as well.

“Possibly,” Ladybug said. “Queen Bee’s gone missing.”

The excitement in everyone’s eyes died immediately.

“Kidnapped?” Rena Rouge asked.

“Just missing,” Ladybug said. She didn’t want to tell them Felix’s theory, afraid to bias them against a threat that truly might not be there. She’d jumped to so many conclusions in the past, and they’d always lost ground because of it. “Her last known location is the Agreste mansion.”

Predictably, everyone’s gaze swung to Chat Noir. There were even more eyes now, since Phoenix, Pegasus, and Ryuuko had joined them.

“Why was she there?” Carapace asked.

“We’re not entirely sure,” Ladybug said, skirting the truth. Koira might have said Chloe was investigating Hawk Moth, but they had no real proof of that, though Ladybug could think of little other reason Queen Bee would have for sniffing around the mans’ office. “But her last transmission was from Gabriel Agreste’s office. She hasn’t been seen since.”

“Gabriel Agreste?” Tigress chimed in. “You don’t think - ”

“Let’s wait for everyone,” Chat Noir finally said. Despite his initial reaction, his spine was straight, his voice cool. For a moment, Ladybug’s vision shifted and his suit was white, not black, his eyes a piercing blue in the twilight.

No. They weren’t the same. Adrien might have that same reckless energy about him right then, but that didn’t mean…he wasn’t…he wasn’t…

They didn’t have to wait long.

Felix was the last to arrive. Despite the round trip, he still seemed as agitated as before. Ladybug got it; Felix wasn’t the easiest to get along with, but Chloe had been the closest thing he had to a friend amongst them. Hell, she wasn’t in love with the idea of leaving Chloe for another two days, either, but she had to admit it was the best shot at success they had.

Within seconds of full assembly, everyone knew why they’d been called: one of their own had disappeared in Gabriel Agreste’s mansion.

For once, Ladybug took a step back and let Chat Noir explain the basics of their plan to the team. He seemed to have understood her unspoken wish to keep the ‘why’ of their mission to themselves until the last possible moment, but then he’d always been able to pick up on her silent cues.

This was different than an after-school slumber party and a candid conversation about what was and wasn’t forgivable, she knew. This was a real mission, and it could have real consequences. She wouldn’t make anyone risk their lives if their heart wasn’t in it.

But one by one, everyone nodded their assent, even Kagami, Alix, and Mylene.

It all came down to the same thing: even bitching and moaning the whole way, Chloe would do the same for them.

“Alright, then,” Chat Noir said, drawing the meeting to a close as the sun sank over the city behind them. “Let’s go get Queen Bee back.”

#phantoms #ch. 11 #me @ myself #did you really need so many italics?

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sugarbubbleslove · 3 years

Text

Dragon Age

Alright - I'm gonna go with what I would love to see in Dragon Age 4.

Stealing. I want to steal back. I LOVED being the Dark Wolf in Origins/Awakening. (My Cousland adored having everyone freaking out). It's part of the reason why I can't really play as a rogue in II because it feels wrong with no stealing.

Healing. PLEASE give me my goddamn healing ability back. Screw limited potions and no healing. I want the chance to play as a spirit healer again.

Bombs/Traps again, please? Because those were fun. Origins were so much fun because of their versatility.

Hybrid classes. Looking at the Trailer for DA4, I get the feeling Magic is going to play a big part in it and I'm...not enthusiastic about it.

Don't get me wrong - I love playing as a mage (Damien Amell/Melinda Hawke dominate the battlefield) but I do LOVE playing as a Rogue/Warrior.

But I want how the Warriors could dual-wield, use archery and steal. Hell, even my mage could steal.

But I would love it if my Warriors could bash locks or my Mages could use magic to open locks. (Origins really makes me feel I should be playing as a rogue with the number of locked chests about).

More Specializations. I like Ranger for my Rogue. Summoning animals, yes, please.

Spirit healer was fun - and would have been an awesome addition to Inquisition if you could have a spirit agree to help you with your magic, imagine the conversation Solas/Cole could have had with your spirit (But at the same time, I get why they didn't because you know - can't have the 'Herald of Andraste' communing with spirits (never mind that Andraste could have been communing with a spirit)

The options to USE ALL MY TALENTS I unlock! Like in Origins/II, you could use the wheel to access more abilities where in Inquisition, you're freaking LOCKED!! Unless you have it on the tab, you're screwed and it's annoying!

What's the freaking point of giving us all those talents if I can't access them while in battle?! Seriously! GIVE ME MY GODDAMN TALENTS!!

And...I'm gonna be spiteful here but this is mostly because of my current playthrough - the chance to kill off my Inquisitior....

I have a playthrough where my Cousland romances Alistair, makes him the King and agrees to be his Queen only to refuse the dark sacrifice and takes the final blow. Then I leave my Hawke - who romances Sebastian and makes him prince, becoming his Princess - in the Fade so....please? I kind of wanna continue the trend of my heroes pretty much giving the country/world the finger before jumping to their death.

(Though I was even more bitcher and had my Cousland keep Alistair a Grey Warden, refused the ritual and took the killing blow then left Alistair in the fade because...fun...)

I would be so fucking gleeful if I get the option to actually kill off my inquisitor at some point (or find out they died in between Inquisition and 4th game).

To keep the chance to refuse to believe in the Maker. God, that was so funny, I actually played my Trevelyan who refused to believe in the Maker, who refused to believe it was Andraste in the Fade (arguing with Mother Giselle as a result) and I got the option to tell Mother Giselle that she was happy that was she was right about it just being dumb luck that she had the Mark and that the Maker/Andraste had no say in it and Mother Giselle actually called out my character, saying she was no better than those who like to shove their facts down people throats.

I was actually stunned and I wanted to bite off Mother Giselle's face for the first time since playing this game by reminding her that the Chantry shove their 'facts' down everyone's throat, constantly cut out/covers up the parts they don't like. Like I didn't hear about Shartan being cut out of the chant you hypercritical little bitch! I was there at fucking Haven when Shartan said he fought at Andraste's side yet your pathetic cult cut him out because he was an elf and you can't have your precious Andraste cavorting with an elf, can you.

It was actually the same with Wynne, my Cousland told her that she never wanted to become a warden, didn't find it an honour and just wanted to find her brother. Wynne actually called Cousland selfish for wanting to put her own needs above the world.

Like excuse me you little cunt, you were locked up in that circle the whole fucking time. YOU have no idea what is required to become a warden. If you thought it was such a fucking honour, then you should have offered your own ass to Ridoran when he was looking for Wardens. Then I could have given you to the Archdemon.

And not to mention Grand Elthina. Like holy fuck did the Maker have a fucking hand in my Warden saving the world. She didn't save it for the Maker's sake, she died because she LOST her fucking FAMILY to betrayal. Seriously - if my warden was there, she would have snapped the old woman's neck. Glad that my Hawke could say that the maker had nothing to do with it.

And I still firmly believe she was setting up the stage for the templar/mage war. Like hell the Maker would waste their time saving your pathetic ass when you couldn't even do anything to stop the war.

She could have easily gone to the Divine with her fears and suggested a change in Knight-commander and First Enchanter. What did she do? Tell Hawke to tell Leliana that everything is peachy keen and there is nothing to world about.

I told Leliana to get the Divine to start a fucking holy war before the war actually broke out (and look what happened, Elthina died. The Maker didn't save her)

and WHY do people think the Maker would actually save them? Like hello? The last time the Maker, apparently, got involved - Andraste was BURNED at the freaking STAKE!

Do you really think the Maker would risk that again?

And I just went off on a rant...sorry about that.

But, by all means Bioware, keep giving me shitty old woman who thinks they know better so I can keep kicking them off the ledge of their high and mighty horse.

#Dragon Age #What I would love to see in the next game #Yeah #you #I actually like my dead Cousland/Alistair pining for her playthrough #and it makes sense that Alistair would be left behind in the fade #Mother Giselle critical #Elthina Critical #Wynne critical #fuck off old ladies #stop acting like you know my character #you know shit #Sorry about the rant #apparently it's been building up

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the-bottom-of-the-abyss · 3 years

Text

A Playlist on Paradoxical Love

This is a true story about the abuse I suffered from a past relationship that I wrote for a college class. I feel that sharing may help me but also others in identifying abuse and/or helping others heal.

I have no idea if anyone will ever read this but it was so, so hard to write but in the end, getting my feelings out in one place seemed to help

HUGE TRIGGER WARNINGS: nongraphic sexual assault, mentions of rape, mentions of suicide, emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, self deprecation

The Night We Met

The Night We Met by Lord Huron; This was our song, one that we thought was of love and fortune, but turned out to be of love and regret. The lyrics rang truer the longer we were together.

It was a warm and sunny day when she first met him. He was a new student from California, coming to her small town in West Virginia and happened to be in the percussion section with her in band. His voice caused butterflies to make a home in her young heart, igniting a spark she had not felt in the fifteen years she had been alive. He made her feel like she was something to want, always listening when others would not.

The week she met him other members of the band were going to a Drum Corps International show in Pittsburgh. Seeing it as an opportunity to get to know one another, the girl volunteered her mother to drive the girl and boy.

Her mother obliged, picking them up from the school parking lot and listened to the conversation being had in the backseat. The boy told the girl of a family full of abuse and an absence of love. The young girl felt her heart grow heavier with each story he recounted. He told her about his stepmother clawing his face, leaving the scar beneath his left eye. She wanted nothing but to heal the pain he held in his heart, to absorb all the hurt he felt.

By the end of the night, he had asked her to be his girlfriend to her delight. After dropping the boy off at his house, her mother turned to look at her with knowing eyes. She didn’t want her daughter hanging out with the boy; he was only trouble. The girl did not listen, deciding that her mother didn’t understand him. She wasn’t there when he made her laugh or looked at her like she hung the stars.

Her adamancy to be with him only grew. As a gift celebrating one month of being together, he gave her a box of things that reminded him of her. Inside, there were the type of mechanical pencils she liked with the thin lead she insisted on using. He picked out colored pens, knowing her obsession with collecting them and also put in scented hand sanitizer, knowing that she was running out of the bottle attached to her purse. To top it off there was a king size Kit-Kat bar, her favorite candy. The girl had never received a gift so thoughtful from anyone. No one had ever spent the time to curate something just for her.

He swept her off her feet and she couldn’t have been more infatuated.

***

Sometimes I look back to that girl and wonder how she didn’t see the danger. I was naïve then, so young and unafraid of the world. Other times I know her naivety wasn’t her fault. How was I supposed to know that the person that told me they loved me would become a monster?

His words were like honey, always promising to give me the world and more, appealing to my doe-eyed view of his love. He would listen to my ramblings and musings about life that most people I knew avoided for the sake of saving time. His touches were soft and gentle in a way I could have only dreamed of. I couldn’t have known that those sweet words would turn to phrases that felt like poison, subtle when spoken but deadly when left to linger. I couldn’t have known that the same ears that listened to me would become the same that ignored my pleas for him to hear what I was saying and not twist my words. I couldn’t have known that those hands that held mine would become the same that forced me to please him after I told him no.

My mother was right and in typical teenager fashion, I ignored her advice.

Tennessee Whiskey

Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton; We went to Tennessee but in addition to that, the lyrics of the song spoke to how warm and cared for he made me feel.

The sun-kissed days of summer gently rolled into the cool, crisp season of fall. While the breeze strengthened day by day, so did their relationship. She swore she had never been so happy, standing tall by his side, feeling like a goddess in his cornflower blue gaze. When it was announced the band would be traveling to Nashville, she excitedly waited for the day for the charter buses to arrive in the cracked parking lot of her school.

October had granted them a clear day for departure, and she sat in the seat next to him, watching mountains she grew up in turn to flat plains of the Midwest. The bus was loud, filled with gleeful voices of their peers, but talking to him made it fade into the background.

She suggested taking a small nap, to help pass the hours of driving straight ahead. He declined, explaining he was an insomniac, and told her to rest without him. The girl convinced him to lay on her lap and decided to sing softly to him, as he did tell her once she had the voice of an angel. Somber tones of “The A Team” by Ed Sheeran floated from her to him for an hour before his breathing evened out.

The first day in Athens of the South flew by, taken up by the bone-tired exhaustion of the long trip and unpacking. On their second day, she dressed in her jazz band uniform, preparing for their recording in Studio B. The boy complimented her red blouse and dress pants as she stepped out of the hotel elevator, making her blush. She thought the uniform was unflattering and too formal to be worthy of his praise.

After the recording, the boy hugged her and told her how good she did and how proud he was. Proud. Someone was proud of her, of her performance. People had told her that she had talent and extended their compliments but none of it meant as much as his.

When the trip ended, she was woeful wishing for more time to escape any commitments back in her hometown. She reminded herself that there was always the Friday night lights that graced their football field and the memories it would bring. The girl was so excited to spend those nights on the field with the boy. The band would dive into the halftime show and afterwards, she could show him what a pepperoni roll was.

*** I sometimes look at pictures I still have from the trip to Nashville. I looked so happy and sure of myself. I thought of myself as a true grown-up back then, not knowing what the future would bring. He was so good to me, and even though there were signs here and there, nothing stood out as dangerous. There was no blaring siren, screeching to evacuate before the ship went down. We had only been dating a few months then, but he told me he felt like he knew my soul from a past life. He knocked on the door to my heart, and I opened it without a second thought, believing every promise he made.

I’m Your Puppet

I’m Your Puppet by Gregory and The Hawk; the lyrics “and I’ll undress, if you need it. But please don’t need it” is an accurate way to tell how fucked up my psyche was after this.

They were on the way home from a friend’s graduation party; it was exuberant, a great celebration of their mutual friend. The boy asked the girl if she wanted to pull over somewhere and fool around. It wasn’t even close to being the first time they had been together like that; they were actually each other’s first times. She was a little reluctant, hesitating to do anything that may land her in trouble. He told her that everything would be fine, so she relented, and the car pulled behind a small row of storage containers.

They both climbed in the backseat. A kiss was shared between the two, only lasting a few seconds before the boy pulled away from the girl’s shining lips.

“Can you give me a blowjob?” He asked her, looking with pleading eyes. “I don’t really want to,” she said, evading his piercing gaze, “I’m not really feeling it.” His face twisted, showing his disapproval at her response. “Come on, you never want to.

What happened to the girl who said she’d always be down to do stuff like this?” “No,” she told him, “I don’t want to.” The girl only had done it a few times, but she had almost thrown up once, and she didn’t want a repeat of that. She hoped that refusing again would make him stop asking.

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, “This is what you do when you’re in a relationship.” The girl went to object but didn’t get the chance. He opened the door and got out of the car, pulling her with him so they were standing in the gravel.

“I don’t want to,” the girl said, feeling panic rise, “let’s just have sex instead.”

“It won’t take very long,” he urged with a forceful edge that made her insides twist. With that, he put pressure on her shoulder to have her sink to her knees.

He said it wouldn’t take very long but it felt like eons to her. The rocks in the gravel pushed into the skin on her knees and that’s what she focused on. If she focused only on the pain, maybe everything else would cease to exist. She knew the boy saw tears rolling down her cheeks and heard the small, muffled sobs that escaped her. He only looked at her with lust, not giving a damn about how she was terrified, how he was making her feel.

After he finished, he pulled her up off the rocks, and helped her back in the car. Only once she felt the leather below her did she begin to full out sob. Instead of the harsh figure from moments before, she was met with the boy she knew, the one who loved her.

He pulled the girl into his lap and rocked her as she cried. “Shh,” he cooed. “I’m so sorry, I never should have done that. Please forgive me.” The girl nodded and buried her face in the crook of his neck, letting herself be calmed by his soothing voice. “We don’t have to do anything else,” he said.

To prove to him that she forgave him, she shook her head. “No, it’s fine,” she sniffled, “I’m fine.”

Once it was over, they drove home in complete silence.

***

That day still haunts me. It wasn’t the first time he had coerced me into something. It was far from the last, but it was the one time he legitimately forced me to do something I didn’t want to do and acknowledge it.

I blocked it out for a long time, trying to go on with life as normal. I only realized how wrong it was when I talked to a friend of mine who went through something similar. Even then, I brushed it off and told myself he didn’t mean it. It took even longer for me to see it as sexual assault. I still only remember the overview of what happened, the rest is somewhere in my mind, somewhere that it can’t hurt me. The one thing I remember is the gravel on my knees. The indents I saw when I got home that afternoon were the only things showing that it had truly happened.

This point marked when he knew he could manipulate me. I was so scared of doing something wrong, of disappointing people, disappointing him. At the notion I was beginning to become something he didn’t like, I tried my hardest to become what he said he needed.

If I think about what happened too much, I feel sick, like I need to take a scalding shower and scrub the memory out of existence.

Poison

Poison by Sofia Mills; This song brought me back to the hazy feeling of being high out of my mind and believing my person was the one pushing the drugs into my hands.

She had never gotten high before. The boy once told her he would never touch a drug, but that statement faded into explanations about how he wanted to live life. She was wary, weed was very different from the nicotine they both let swirl in their lungs. He told her for two months about how great it was until she agreed to try. She lied to her parents; the couple had been dating for a little over a year, but the girl’s parents still tried to limit their time together. Instead, she told them it would be a few of her friends from band sleeping over and that the boy wouldn’t be there.

The smoke burned in her chest; it left a distinct aftertaste she wouldn’t forget. Everything was fine until her body started to reject the hazy feeling trying to overtake her. She got sick, a feeling she absolutely loathed. Her friends gave her water and she sat curled in a ball on a chair outside, shivering as the high feeling started to crescendo. The boy stayed outside and told her she’d be okay. He grabbed a wet washcloth and dabbed her clothes before cleaning the hair framing her face. It was in that moment that she only thought of him.

No one else would ever do this for me, she thought. He loves me more than anyone ever has. I am so lucky.

*** That wasn’t the last time I got high. We would smoke at our friend’s house every weekend, spending lazy evenings in each other’s’ arms. That night in particular, I felt so special that someone other than my own mother would clean me up after getting sick and later help me feebly crawl up the stairs.

Wrong Direction

Wrong Direction by Hailee Steinfield; the lyrics “Every time you burn me down, don’t know how, for a moment, it felt like heaven” kind of explains what it was like when looking back on abusive relationships. Back then, the moment of the apology felt like a huge act of love, but now it’s obvious it was just an empty promise.

She had just gotten off a shift at work and got into his car, the clock showing a time around ten at night. The girl already told him that she felt too tired to do anything, but she would be alright for just cuddling before he drove her home. He nodded and drove across the street to the abandoned K-Mart and parked in the middle of the barren lot.

They got in the backseat and she leaned her head on his shoulder and told him about a tough customer she had to deal with. The boy listened to her and waited until her rant flickered into silence.

“Are you sure you don’t want to do anything?”

“Yeah,” she replied, “I’m so exhausted, I’ve been on my feet all day and worked an eight- hour shift.”

“Come on,” he urged, “we never do anything anymore.” She felt exhaustion seeping into her bones, and for the first time, didn’t give in, “No, I am too tired, I want to go home and sleep.”

Instead of agreeing she should get some sleep, he shrugged her head off his shoulder. She tried to reach for his arm, but he yanked it away from her and harshly rolled his eyes. “Babe?” She asked, not fully understanding what was happening.

The boy ignored her concerned gaze and opened the backseat door, loudly slamming it shut before getting into the driver’s seat. The girl took it as her cue to get into the passenger’s side. As he started the car, she once again reached for his hand that rested on the gear shift. Without looking in her direction, he moved his hand to the steering wheel, so quickly that it seemed as though her touch burned him. A permanent scowl took resident on his face and she tried again to talk to him.

“Babe? Please talk to me,” she pleaded, feeling the dread crawl into her throat. With no response, tears started to fall. The road to her house felt so much longer, filled with continuous pleas for him to talk to her, to say anything.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, “I was just really tired. I’m really sorry, please forgive me.” There was no mistaking the sorrow in her voice, the boy knew she was crying, even if he refused to look.

He pulled into her driveway, looking straight ahead as she gathered her coat and purse. Before getting out she tried to lean over to kiss him, but he leaned away.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated before getting out, “I love you.” To her surprise, he didn’t respond. When she shut the door, he immediately backed out, leaving her tear-stained and feeling helpless.

When the boy apologized to her the next day, she forgave him immediately.

***

I have read that emotional abusers utilize the silent treatment because of how effective it is. After refusing him, the stonewalling struck me at my core, my worst fear coming true: becoming something he didn’t want anymore. I never stood my ground again after that. When he would want sex after that night, it would go one of two ways. I would still say no about ten times before he pulled a line that made me so full of guilt that I did what he wanted, or I promised “next time.”

In My Veins

In My Veins by Andrew Belle; This song really emphasizes the pain of the hole that is left when someone with such a stable place in your life. It feels like all that is left is their ghost.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore, Emily.” “What? What are you even talking about?” “I just need to find myself.” “What the fuck does that even mean? How can you just leave? I love you, please, we can work it out.”

“I’m sorry, I just think it’s for the best.”

*** The first time we broke up was over the phone while I was on a weekend vacation. It came after I kept pushing him to apply to college since he was going to be graduating later that year. I calculated what it would cost for him to live off minimum wage while paying rent and he got so angry. He broke up with me because he was getting annoyed with my insistence on going to college or a technical school. He hated when I got on him to not skip school or to stop smoking so much weed. He made me feel like I was so awful for trying to help him succeed. No one has ever made me feel like a burden in the way he did.

A week after, he came to my house and told me that he didn’t realize what he had until it was gone and I ultimately took him back, truly believing he would change.

Terrible Love

Terrible Love by The National; this point really marked the realization that I was in a toxic cycle of what I thought was love.

It was about thirty minutes before the girl was to perform with the jazz band for a Christmas concert. She had asked the boy to come, but he said he had plans already. This wasn’t surprising considering he left early from school on her birthday to get high. The girl settled for texting him instead.

She asked him what he was up to and he replied that he didn’t want to tell her, as she would get upset. Immediately, the girl felt worry build. Thousands of possibilities fleeted across her consciousness of he was indulging in. After pleading for him to tell her, for her own sanity, he relented and told her that he was going to be doing MDMA for the first time with a mutual friend he lived with. The girl felt irritation mixed with desperation bubble up inside her. He swore he would never do anything besides smoke weed but once again, he trampled over any promises ever made.

She texted him a long paragraph about how irresponsible it was and that he could get into so much trouble. He told her how uptight she was and how she was keeping him from living his life. The girl was fed up and told him not to text her for the rest of the night. It was a justified reaction, but her anxiety only told her she was a shitty partner for not indulging him.

She was so upset, so anxious about what he was doing and how in the recent months had been throwing his life away. He had recently began insisting that he would be fine living off of her in the future until he figured out what to do. The night went on with her panic staying at a fever pitch.

The next day the girl texted her best friend, the same one he was with, and ranted about the situation, hoping that the friend would see why she was so torn up. They had the following exchange:

The girl: He even said I wasn’t going to like what you guys were going to do. Because he knew I’d be super against it. But he said it was fine and it wasn’t a big deal and that I was overreacting. I don’t think I am. I just needed someone to talk to last night because I cried and just went over in my head what the hell I could do to help him. It’s not just this. It’s all of it. He doesn’t do his homework, skips school, or leaves because he feels like it, has no motivation and no desire to do the things he needs to. When you love someone so much all you want to do is see them succeed. Idk maybe I’m just an uptight bitch and a shit person but I do know I want the best for him.

Friend: You act like I want to see him fail. I don’t, Emily. I want him to succeed just as much as you do but I also want him to live his life to the fullest. Everyone needs to have quality of life or it isn’t worth living.

The girl: I never said you wanted to. I know you want to see him succeed just as much as I do. But I know for a fact if he doesn’t get himself together, there’s not much of a life to live. It sucks but life is hard and it’s not easy. No matter who you are, it’s never going to be easy. If he doesn’t graduate high school, there’s not much he can do. Even fast-food places can only pay minimum wage without a high school diploma and to be a manager you need a high school diploma. I’m looking for his future, not the next few months. If he wants to live in an apartment, he needs money. His dad isn’t always going to give him that. To get money, a decent job is required. Minimum wage won’t be enough. And he just doesn’t care. I try to make up for it and I try and try to push him to do his homework, to study, to make good grades. But it never works.

Friend: I’m upset rn so I’m not going to respond atm. I will text you later and we can talk about it then, okay?

The girl: Okay be safe. Please don’t show him all this unless you think necessary. I don’t want him to be mad at me because it makes me feel like the shittiest person on earth when people are mad at how I feel and like I shouldn’t tell people how I feel anymore.

*** It is hard to explain the way I felt when he told me he was going to do MDMA. My reaction wasn’t due to the drug itself, but more about the stereotypical, lazy deadbeat he had become. He once tried to impress me by telling me he brought up an 8% to a 32% in an easy class.

I felt responsible for the way he was. I thought I could fix him, that I would be able to pull him out of the headspace he was in and bring him back to who he used to be. Back then, I didn’t realize he had always been that way, only getting more obvious because I never called him out on it, save for a few times.

I recently found those texts while drafting out this paper. Reading them teleports me into the headspace I once held. Back then, I believed that I needed to help him along with the small voice that told me he was right, that I was overreacting. Now I know that my reaction was justified, I should’ve held him accountable by breaking up with him on the spot. But like many times before, I didn’t. I clung on to the hope that not all was lost, there was still time.

Honey and Milk

Honey and Milk by Flower Face; there are some lyrics in this song that really frame how the end of such a toxic relationship felt like. “And the love you made me fight for was never love at all. The red light shines through the window and I’ve got a black eye for every bed you’ve made. The honey and milk on my fingertips was never enough to make you stay.”

It was mid-April, spring out in full force when she couldn’t get ahold of him. Most days, she would have chalked it up to him deciding he wasn’t in the mood to go to school, but the day before, he swore he’d be there.

Halfway through the day, she saw him approaching in the hallway. The relief that filled her didn’t last long, though.

“We got busted last night,” he told her. “What?” “Yeah, we got caught with weed in the car and I got a drug charge.” The girl shouldn’t have been so shocked, but she was. Even worse, she shouldn’t have felt relief that he was handing her a reason to leave him on a silver platter. She finally had enough of the coercion in the bedroom, his confidence that she would never leave, and feeling like a burden.

“I can’t believe this,” she stated, shaking her head. “I’ll talk to you later; I need to think.”

The girl called him later, knowing that if she saw his face, she wouldn’t go through with it. She told him that she was done. He cried for the first time over her and told her that he wanted to take his own life. He went on for hours about how he was going to kill himself without her. The girl felt guilt settle in the forefront of her mind. She told the boy it was going to be alright and comforted him, trying to keep him calm, truly believing that he would leave his blood staining her hands.

She cried for hours after hanging up the phone. But she wasn’t crying for him, she was crying for the girl she used to be. It was almost two years that he had her in his clutches, two years of playing into his twisted games.

While she did feel used and irrevocably damaged, she could finally breathe. She was free.

*** I never went back to him, but not for a lack of him trying. I got myself as far away as possible and it was the best decision I ever made.

New Person, Old Place

New Person, Old Place by Madi Diaz; I struggled for a long time for a song that captured at least something close to my real feelings. This song captures the sadness, the trauma, and the moving on. I think that it really adds to the feelings of realization of how much I sacrificed for him: “I used to take all of your shit and carry it on my back. I’d leave what I needed behind to make room for whatever you had. I believed that I had to be strong just for you, so you wouldn’t crack”

I have thought again and again what I was going to end my story with. The optimistic and empathetic part of me yearns for a happy ending. I want people to know it gets better and feel hopeful. But the much larger, aching side of me wants to tear down the mended façade I have built and scream out all the hurt.

Most days I feel that I’m made up of an alphabet soup of emotions I couldn’t even begin to decipher. In one moment, I feel okay again and understand that I didn’t deserve what happened, but it is over. The next is filled with visceral recollections of all the worst parts that reignites every antagonistic thought. It truly feels like my psyche is in a never-ending pendulum, swinging between healing and absolute and total self-destruction.

While my thoughts on the matter are contradictory from one day to another, I think I have come to a few conclusions. I know that I am not okay, and I probably won’t be for a while. I cannot lie to myself by saying the shaking in my hands that accompanies thinking back is due to the cold instead of a physical reaction to trauma. I also have come to realize that I am so fucking angry, and I am allowed to be. A lot of people say that forgiveness is the way to healing but I think that is bullshit. I will never forgive him for what he did to me. He stole my naivety from underneath me and forced me to thank him. How can you forgive something like that?

Many don’t understand why survivors stay in abusive relationships if it is so awful. The problem is that it wasn’t always bad. There were times that I felt like I was on top of the world and others where he yanked me down to hell. I believed I deserved what he did, that I wasn’t worth anything more. He made me believe he was the only one that would love me.

It’s funny how trauma works. While he assaulted my body and tortured my mind, I mislabeled it as love, as flaws that I needed to accept since he loved mine. I didn’t start to notice the way he changed me until months later. Even now, almost two years since the day I left, I’m still tormented by the aftereffects. Over the course of writing about my ordeal, I tremble for hours, physically reacting to reliving the experiences, no matter how healing it is.

Suffering from abuse at such a formative age, fifteen to seventeen, left its mark on my psyche, etched deep inside. Because of this, I want others to know how to escape and that no one is responsible for the actions of others. Even if he was abused himself, he chose to continue the cycle and use me as a scapegoat for all his problems in life. I am grateful for one thing though; I will never, ever let myself be treated like that again. I would rather be alone than suffer the way that I did.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that most stories don’t have a happy ending; instead, most end in a nameless limbo between good and bad. My story falls into that majority. Many bad things happened, and they continue to come back again and again, like a stray that only found shelter in my mind. There is still so much that haunts me daily, but I also know that it is not all bad.

My soul is still covered with the ominous clouds his presence brought but every day, more slivers of sunlight poke through, causing flowers to bloom where it was once barren. One day, a full garden will grow and take over the parts of me that he singlehandedly ripped apart. One day, I will not feel so empty about the ordeal.

One day, I will be okay again.

#Trigger warning #tw #tw abuse #tw r*pe #tw sex assault #abuse #emotional abuse #trauma #intimate partner violence #domestic abuse #gaslighting #toxic relationship #abusive relationship #actuallytraumatized #coercion

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brindlestorm · 3 years

Text

My Truth or Yours?

CH1 | CH2 | CH3 | CH4 | CH5

“I never thought I’d say this; but the best thing I can prescribe for you, Dustpaw, is more battle training!” Spottedleaf chuckled.

Dustpaw’s head shot up looking shocked, and Ravenpaw twitched his whiskers in amusement. Who ever heard of a medicine cat telling a cat to fight more often?

“You were definitely onto something when you told me that you sleep better after a battle training session than hunting. Poppy seeds can only do so much for growing pangs, what you really need is to stretch your muscles in different ways to keep you from getting stiff, hunting does the opposite of that.”

Redtail flicked his tail over his apprentice’s ears, “You’re almost bigger than me y’know. I’ve taught you how to be quick and clever in a fight because I thought you and your brother would end up the same size. I think it might be best to have Tigerclaw take over your training in that area, you’ll probably be as big as him!”

“Maybe even as big as Lionheart!” Ravenpaw teased as well.

Dustpaw flattened his ears and looked away, “No one could be as big as Lionheart,” he mumbled.

“Okay, as big as Whitestorm then.” Ravenpaw said, “Though I’m pretty sure they’re both smaller than they look, not by much, but have you seen how much fur they have? Without it they’d be tiny!”

“Are you looking to test that theory?” Growled a large yellow tom as he squeezed himself into the already crowded den. His voice sounded annoyed but one could still see the twinkle of mirth in his eyes.

Ravenpaw ducked his head in embarrassment, “N-no thanks! Sorry Lionheart!”

“Alright, the rest of you need to leave now so I can deal with Lionheart. Let me guess, you stepped on another thorn?” Spottedleaf said as she shooed the other three cats out of her den.

“Three actually, all on the same paw” Lionheart’s voice faded away as the three padded back into the clearing.

“It's been a long day for the both of you. You two can take the morning off and sleep in a bit, I’ll speak with Tigerclaw about a joint training session tomorrow. You did well, so rest up!” Redtail told the brothers, scanning the clearing for Tigerclaw.

“C’mon Ravenpaw!” Dustpaw chirped, “Do y’think Sandpaw wants to hear about how I caught that massive hawk?”

The pale molly’s head jerked up as she was leaving the nursery, “Hardly! You’ve been gloating all evening about it, why don’t you tell Graykit instead? I’m sure he’d love to hear about how the mighty Dustpaw saved the deputy from a hawk!”

Dustpaw’s face fell for a moment, but perked up at the thought of telling the kit about his heroic feat. He trotted into the nursery as Sandpaw left, not caring that Ravenpaw didn’t follow after him.

Ravenpaw instead followed after Sandpaw, trying not to let the fur on the back of his neck rise as he felt the deputy watching him from afar.

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Tigerclaw narrowed his eyes as he watched his apprentice spar with his brother. Ravenpaw was being rather tight-lipped about what happened during his assessment a half moon ago and Tigerclaw feared the worst, his pacifistic apprentice attacked the deputy and got lucky when the hawk showed up.

Great Starclan though, if Dustpaw kept gloating about it he’d get more than a few clouts this session.

“And then I jumped up just like this!” Dustpaw said excitedly, rearing up on his hindlegs to come crashing down on his brother.

Unfortunately for Dustpaw, Ravenpaw was actually focusing during this session, and took the opportunity to swerve to the side and shove his brother over. Watching Dustpaw flail to the ground, Tigerclaw couldn’t help but share a chuckle with Redtail as Dustpaw shook the sand from his pelt and glared half-heartedly at Ravenpaw.

“No fair! I was showing you how to catch a hawk, you should be grateful I’m even trying to help you!” Dustpaw sniffed.

“I thought this session was about battle training, not hunting. Didn’t Spottedleaf tell you not to hunt too much this moon?” Ravenpaw teased back. “I think catching hawks counts as that, if you ask me.”

“I still can’t believe my sister told you that, and during leafbare as well.” Redtail muttered.

Tigerclaw rolled his eyes and padded over to the apprentices, nosing Dustpaw into a neater crouch than what he started with.

“Keep your paws tucked and in line with each other, Dustpaw. If that’s the stance you used to take on a hawk, I’m amazed that you even managed to keep it down.” Tigerclaw said gruffly.

Dustpaw nodded and shuffled his paws into place, checking for Tigerclaw’s reaction to make sure he had done it right. Tigerclaw schooled his expression to not give it away, Dustpaw would have to learn by instinct to fall into the correct position.

He flicked his tail signalling to Ravenpaw that he should return to the edge of the clearing. “Attack me.” Tigerclaw ordered simply.

“I thought I was fighting Ravenpaw?” Dustpaw asked, confused.

Tigerclaw gently swatted his paw over the apprentice’s ears, making him duck and jump back. “I said, attack me.”

This time Dustpaw reacted without hesitating, hurtling for Tigerclaw’s flank. The warrior easily sidestepped him just as Ravenpaw had, but this time he found the apprentice tangling himself in his paws, trying to trip him from beneath. Had he been any other warrior, that method would have worked immediately.

Unfortunately for Dustpaw, Tigerclaw was still much bigger than the other, and he swiftly dropped his weight onto the apprentice. Of course he held back enough to not smother him, but had it been a true battle he would not have received that mercy.

Dustpaw clawed his way out from under Tigerclaw, gasping for breath. He spun around on unsteady paws and tried to jump on Tigerclaw again, but the warrior just held a paw in his face to keep him from moving forward.

“You fight like a cat much smaller than how you’ll grow up to be, it's good to not rely on strength alone but you do still need to learn to use it to your advantage.”

“While we’re at it, how about I take Ravenpaw for some training as well?” Redtail suggested. “I can’t teach Dustpaw to fight like you can, Tigerclaw. But I imagine Ravenpaw can learn a thing or two from me.”

Tigerclaw eyed the deputy for a moment but nodded quickly, it wouldn’t do to deny the deputy such a logical request. As long as they stayed in the clearing it should be fine.

Redtail beckoned Ravenpaw to the other side and crouched. Tigerclaw caught the fearful expression on his apprentice’s face but forced himself to focus on Dustpaw. Surely Redtail wouldn’t try anything with two other cats to witness, right?

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A moon had passed and the weather had turned worse, they had already lost Poppydawn, a death Longtail seemed to be taking personally, and Tigerclaw feared that his grandfather Adderfang may be next to go.

“We should take a patrol past our borders,” Tigerclaw suggested. “Not too far, but enough to scout out possible hunting spots. Perhaps upriver along the Riverclan border?”

Bluestar nodded slowly, exhaustion making her eyes appear dull. Like many leaders before her, she had refused to eat until everyone else in the clan had a chance to have at least a mouthful of what little prey there was to go around, even the warriors and apprentices came before her. Spottedleaf found herself jumping constantly between her leader and her former mentor who was sick with greencough after taking care of all the patients himself.

“That may be for the best, Tigerclaw. How about you lead the patrol since it was your idea? Take the three fittest cats you can and catch whatever you can find on the way back.” The blue leader rasped, fluffing up her pelt in the cold.

Somehow, it only made her appear smaller.

Tigerclaw considered his options, Darkstripe and Longtail seemed to have enough energy most days, and it wouldn’t hurt to take Thistleclaw as well. Maybe he’d be a little less tense if he could do something worthwhile for the clan, for all his faults, he knew his old mentor couldn’t stand by and watch the clan starve.

“Tigerclaw if you don’t mind, I’d like to take Ravenpaw hunting with me today. You can have Dustpaw tag along with your patrol, it’ll be a good experience for him.”

“What do you want my apprentice for?” Tigerclaw asked, genuinely confused. After a whole moon of joint sessions, Tigerclaw assumed that Redtail had no interest in Ravenpaw beyond training, but why would the deputy want to take him out alone?

“He has a peculiar method in hunting, he hardly touched the ground during his assessment. I doubt he learned that from you, Tigerclaw, no offense. If he’s that good at tree hunting, we may be able to track down some squirrel nests higher up.”

Bluestar answered for him, “That sounds like a good idea Redtail, but I don’t want you hunting any of the squirrels you two may find.”

“I thought the whole idea was finding more prey for the clan?” Redtail asked, perplexed.

“When I was an apprentice, my sister came up with the idea of baiting the mice with cobnuts. Ravenpaw seems to have a similar mindset, I heard him earlier talking to himself about leaving nuts near prey-holes to feed them. It's an odd idea, but if we make sure the prey in our territory can survive Leafbare, we’re sure to have a good supply of food by newleaf.”

Tigerclaw blinked, he never would have thought of that himself. It still sounded like an inane idea to him, feeding the prey that’s meant to feed the clan, but the surety of having food when the cold passed sounded too good to pass up.

Redtail stood up, “I’ll take Mousefur and Runningwind, they’re not the best climbers but they can scout the tree roots for other prey-dens. If we both leave now, we may be done by sun-down, there’s no time to lose!”

Bluestar flicked her tail in dismissal, closing her eyes tiredly. The two warriors got to their paws, leaving their leader to rest.

Tigerclaw hurried to the apprentices den, asking Redtail to summon the warriors while he gathered their apprentices.

“Dustpaw, Ravenpaw! You two are on patrol, Ravenpaw you’ll be with Mousefur, Runningwind, and Redtail. He’ll explain along the way, Dustpaw you’ll be with me and a few other warriors as hunting scouts. We’re going beyond our borders today so be on your guard.”

The pair hurried out of their nests where they had been sheltering from the worst of the cold. Sandpaw was out doing some light hunting with Whitestorm, finally able to start training again. A good thing too, Spottedleaf was adamant that Dustpaw be relieved from hunting duties until his growth spurt hit. Tigerclaw couldn’t remember getting special treatment like that when he was an apprentice, but there was no arguing with a medicine cat, and Sandpaw could more than make up for Dustpaw’s absence on patrols.

Thistleclaw scowled as he trudged out of his den, Mousefur, Darkstripe, Longtail, and Runningwind blinking wearily as they trailed behind.

“What’s this about scouting?” Thistleclaw growled to Redtail. “I suppose Bluestar’s perfect deputy will be leading?”

“Actually, I am.” Tigerclaw mewed smoothly, guiding the cantankerous senior warrior aside, flicking his tail to let Darkstripe and Longtail know that they had to follow as well.

“Redtail will be leading a patrol to scout for prey-dens to leave nuts and seeds for, we’ll be going beyond our borders to bring back food for the clan.” He explained.

Thistleclaw let out a hearty chuckle, “They’re off to feed our prey? Who’s hare-brained idea was that! Bluestar must be about to lose her mind with this next life if she supported something as stupid as that. Must run in the family.”

Tigerclaw had to keep himself from biting back with more than just words, “It was my apprentice’s idea, and it’s hardly hare-brained. Didn’t your mate, Bluestar’s sister, have a similar idea in your youth? Are you calling Snowfur hare-brained as well?”

Thistleclaw flinched at the sound of his late mate’s name, baring his teeth as he remembered how she died. Tigerclaw knew it was a low blow, those types of old wounds never heal well. But Thistleclaw seemed to get the message he was trying to get across and kept quiet as the patrol continued on it’s way towards the border.

Tigerclaw opened his jaw to take in the scents and grunted. “We may as well mark the border while we’re here. Spread out, Darkstripe and Longtail can see to the border from the twoleg-bridge to Four-Trees. Thistleclaw will take Sunning Rocks. Dustpaw and I will continue making our way up-river, I expect to see you all by Sunhigh at the furthest reaches of our border.”

“Isn’t that near Twolegplace?” Darkstripe sneered.

“There are woods still left on our side of the fence, that’s where we’ll be going.” Tigerclaw replied shortly. “Go, now.” he ordered.

The three warriors nodded and sped off, there was a gleam in Thistleclaw’s eyes that Tigerclaw didn’t like, but there was nothing he could do but keep going forward with Dustpaw.

“I don’t care what Spottedleaf says, if you spot any prey while we’re moving, I expect you to at least try and catch it. Understood?”

“Yes Tigerclaw.”

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Ravenpaw was shaking in his paws as he followed Redtail to the Great Sycamore tree.

Mousefur and Runningwind were already given their orders, gone to collect seeds and any nuts they could find that weren’t needed by Spottedleaf and leave them in front of prey-holes or common foraging spots in the forest.

“Let’s see how high you can climb, Ravenpaw.” Redtail said, tail curled over his paws as he watched the apprentice with glittering eyes. “Stop when you hit a branch that you feel is connected to a neighboring tree and I’ll come join you.”

Ravenpaw nodded, stomach churning at the thought of what Redtail would do when he got up beside him. Would he be pushed from his perch? If he went too high he could snap his neck on one of the branches on the way down, he’d have to make sure that that couldn’t happen.

But then, it wasn’t called the Great Sycamore for nothing.

Nervously, Ravenpaw began to scale the great tree, not daring to look down at what Redtail might be doing below. Once he reached a branch that looked to be almost interwoven with a tree nearby, he called down to Redtail to report it.

In a few heartbeats, Redtail was next to him, peering around to get a good look. “Good work Ravenpaw, I don’t see any bird nests up here but there could be a few squirrel-holes nearby. Let’s get moving, be on the lookout for any nuts you can grab along the way.”

And so on they went, deputy and apprentice, balancing along the branches scouring the trees for anything prey-related. They stocked a few empty bird nests with seeds for when the birds returned and startled quite a few squirrels that were sleeping in their dens. Had Ravenpaw not been so nervous being next to Redtail, he would have been tempted to at least catch some of the older squirrels. But Bluestar’s orders rang in his mind so he held back.

It wasn’t until the scent of pines hit his nose that Ravenpaw realized something might be wrong.

“Stop.” Redtail ordered suddenly.

“Why are we at the border?” Ravenpaw breathed, fur bristling as he recognized the clearing below as the place he had so foolishly challenged the deputy not too long ago.

“I have some business to attend to, and you’re going to help.” Redtail replied simply, nosing the apprentices towards the trunk of the tree.

“You... what? You think I’m going to help you betray our clan even more? That’s insane, I won’t-”

“Yes you will, and when we’re done I promise everything will make sense.”

“I’ll run!” Ravenpaw threatened. “I- I’ll run and tell Bluestar right away what you’re doing, she’ll banish you forever!”

“If you were going to tell, you would have done it already. Now be quiet and do as you’re told. They’re here.”

And just as Redtail said it, a huge white tom with jet-black paws emerged from the bushes, followed by two brown tabbies.

“Hello again, old friend.” Blackfoot purred, padding up to the Thunderclan deputy with confidence. “Is this the little helper you promised?”

“Yes Blackfoot, I’m sure he’ll be of great use today.”

Ravenpaw gulped as he took in the three Shadowclan warriors before him. He would have to play along with whatever Redtail had planned, one claw out of line and he’d lose more than just his pelt before sun-down.

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The sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon when Tigerclaw, Longtail, Darkstripe, and Dustpaw returned to their own territory. Thistleclaw never showed up, though Longtail said Thistleclaw was going to try hunting at the base of the rocks. Tigerclaw could only shrug as he was focused on catching a pheasant a few fox-lengths ahead. Dustpaw had managed to catch a mouse but preferred to softly call out prey locations and give directions on how to catch them.

Darkstripe almost shredded the apprentice who had unknowingly given orders to warriors his senior. Tigerclaw stopped him though and told the pair to listen to whatever Dustpaw said, if the apprentice wanted to feel like he was in charge then Tigerclaw would treat it as another assessment. It would be good to know if the tabby’s ego matched his actual abilities, and being able to lead a patrol was one of them.

Surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly to some, Dustpaw did well and the patrol managed to return home with three mice, a squirrel, and one fat pheasant for the elders to share. Dustpaw even made sure to let Tigerclaw know where he had spotted a few burrows that could be rabbit warrens. Longtail had wanted to check them out until Tigerclaw pointed out that they could just as easily be fox-dens.

As they were walking beside the river, Darkstripe’s head shot up. “I hear fighting! It sounds like it’s coming from Sunning Rocks!”

Tigerclaw froze, wracking his mind to remember the border patrol schedule for the day. Redtail had set dawn and dusk patrols to do the full route each to make room for more hunting patrols. Which meant....

“Thistleclaw must be fighting them alone.” Tigerclaw breathed, eyes wide with worry.

“He doesn’t really think he can reclaim the rocks on his own, does he?” Dustpaw asked, ears flattened.

“Of course not! The patrol probably attacked him because he was alone.” Tigerclaw scoffed, though in his mind he had to wonder the same thing.

Tigerclaw shook his head and pelted downriver, his patrol following close behind, but what they saw shocked them all.

Crookedstar stood on the Thunderclan side of the border, his jaws clamped around Thistleclaw’s neck as his eyes burned with hatred. Oakheart, the Riverclan deputy, was trying to soothe a soaked young apprentice who looked to be in shock. Blood dripped into her eye as she sat there shaking, a paw occasionally coming up to touch her neck. It didn’t look to be bleeding, but the poor molly could barely sit up straight without the help of her deputy.

“What happened here?” Tigerclaw snarled, leaping down mouse-lengths in front of the Riverclan leader.

Crookedstar dropped Thistleclaw like a stone, his broken jaw agape for a moment when he saw the patrol behind him that were inching around to close off their access to the river.

“He attacked my daughter.” Crookedstar defended. “She’s barely nine moons and he attacked her, tried to hold her underwater until she drowned.”

“I thought you fish-faces could hold your breath long enough, you lot never hesitate to try that with our warriors.” Tigerclaw replied coolly.

He bent low to press an ear to Thistleclaw’s chest, though he already knew what he would find. No pulse, his eyes were already as dull and clouded as his mother’s were not too long ago.

Is that why you felt the need to fight? Tigerclaw wondered to himself. Did I miss you hurting, hiding it away only to reopen the wound myself when I brought up Snowfur? Forgive me old friend, you will be missed.

“And he is dead.” Tigerclaw said flatly. “I was taught that an honorable warrior doesn’t need to kill to win a battle unless in self-defence”

“I know the code!” Crookedstar snapped. “Perhaps he was the one who didn’t know it, he tried to kill her!”

“She’s alive, isn’t she?” Tigerclaw shook his head. “Longtail, Darkstripe. Let them pass and help me get Thistleclaw onto my back. You three will have to carry the prey yourselves.”

Crookedstar blinked, “You’re letting us go?”

“He was fighting to take back the rocks on his own, wasn’t he?”

Oakheart nodded as he helped the apprentice to her paws.

“Bluestar wouldn’t have supported this, though I doubt she’d support the death of a clanmate as well. We’ll report this to Bluestar, and if she decides to start a war over it at least there’ll be a more equal battle when the time comes.”

Longtail moved aside reluctantly, but Darkstripe stood where was, leveling a glare with the three trespassers and spitting at Crookedstar’s feet as he passed.

Dustpaw just sat crouched where he was, shaking. It was then that Tigerclaw noticed the pool of blood forming at his paws, it was almost never-ending. He may not have felt too squeamish about it, but he understood that the apprentice would be. Silently, Tigerclaw went over to the nearest tree root and clawed off some moss to stuff into the wound. It wouldn’t last for long but hopefully it would stay until they reached the camp again.

Dustpaw took the mice and went ahead, stuttering that he would inform the elders to and Spottedleaf to prepare them while Tigerclaw and the others took a slower pace so as not to let Thistleclaw’s body slip off his back.

By the time they reached the gorse tunnel, Redtail and Ravenpaw were just returning looking disheveled.

“What happened?” Redtail mewed in shock.

Longtail, who had been carrying the pheasant, stopped to explain the situation quietly. Redtail’s gaze darkened when he heard the news, looking as outraged as Tigerclaw wished he felt.

But instead he just felt empty, hollow.

He trudged forward, not looking at Ravenpaw as he went past. Heading straight to the clearing where the elders were waiting to help get Thistleclaw down. Spottedleaf was nearby with lavender and more moss.

While she attended to the body, Tigerclaw went to Bluestar’s den only to be called back down by Spottedleaf.

“Best not to go in there, Bluestar is sick and it might be whitecough. I don’t need it spreading around the camp.” She told him quietly.

Tigerclaw stared blankly at her but nodded. Instead he went to take the mice to the queens. Goldenflower and Willowpelt must be hungry, he could tell them what happened while he was there.

He had barely taken two steps into the warm den when he saw the look on Goldenflower’s face. It was full of heart-wrenching sympathy and part of Tigerclaw wanted to turn away, deny the comfort she was ready to offer him.

But he couldn’t.

He sank down next to her, not letting his legs buckle until he knew he wasn’t about to fall on top of her. She would be kitting soon and he didn’t want to hurt her. Instead he just let himself lay beside her with closed eyes as she gently washed his flank, cleaning off the blood that had stained it from carrying Thistleclaw by himself for so long.

Just for a moment, he told himself as he let himself be lulled to sleep. Just for a moment he’d let himself forget about the worries and troubles of his clan while he silently grieved for his mentor. When the sun had fully set, he would go out and grieve with everyone else, but for now he would stay with his, hopefully soon to be mate, friend and listen to the oblivious chatter made by Graykit as he bounced around the den.

Maybe, if he had stayed in the clearing, he would have heard Ravenpaw speaking in hushed whispers with Redtail, eyes gleaming as they spoke of their day.

Maybe, he would have noticed how his apprentice was drenched in the scent of ferns attempting to hide the stench of marshes.

But he didn’t, he was spending some much needed time with Goldenflower after the shock of finding his mentor dead in the jaws of the Riverclan leader.

For now, Tigerclaw let himself believe that one day the sun would shine a little brighter on his clan, and that was enough to bring him peace for the night.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ITS DONE

Also, please let me know if you feel this fic is starting to cross a line! I want to explore an au where Tigerclaw was still in the wrong but his backstory is more than just Ambitious Brown Tabby Who Is Strong And Wants More Power.

But like, not at the expense of offending others, y’know?

Hope you all enjoyed!

#warriors #my truth or yours #chapter four #tigerclaw #ravenpaw #redtail #darkstripe #longtail #dustpaw #thistleclaw

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baejax-the-great · 4 years

Text

Marriage

A fluffy FenHawke argument. Read over at AO3!

Fenris grunted into his pillow. Three nights he was unable to sleep without nightmares. No reason for it, just a thing that happened on occasion. Less frequent now that he lived with Hawke, but it seemed he would never shake his bad memories entirely. Hawke let him sleep; she always let him sleep no matter how late in the day it got.

But today someone was visiting, and they just kept talking. It was a high-pitched drone, not even the back and forth of a regular conversation. Now that he had given up his quest for slumber, he could hear it all more clearly. A tittering laugh, the clink of teacups, a rustle of fabric, and he softened his annoyance somewhat. Hawke was suffering at least as much as he was, if she was sitting through this.

Fenris got himself out of bed and debated whether to storm out half-clothed. Certainly the site of a mostly-naked lyrium-infused elf would scare away even the most determined visitors. Surely Hawke would thank him. As he approached the door, however, he heard the culprit, Lady Brya he now recognized, making her goodbyes.

Hawke bid her farewell, but then said something curious. “My husband is still sleeping, but I’ll let him know you called.”

Who?

He stood by the door, still undressed, frowning, wondering what she could have meant by that, and that was how Hawke found him a minute later when she walked in.

“Husband?” he asked.

“I think normally the woman gets called wife, but I suppose I don’t mind you calling me your husband if that’s what you want.” She smiled as she warmed to the idea. “I think I’d make a great husband.”

“No, I mean… we’re not… We haven’t…”

“We haven’t what?”

He ran his hand through his hair, still disheveled from sleep. “We’re not married.”

Hawke blinked, her smile fading for a moment. Then she ran her hand through his hair, too, fixing it for him. “You are having a rough morning. Afternoon, really. Well, I have some terrible news for you. You’re awake now and your dreams were real—you live here in our estate with your wife.” She gave him a quick peck on the lips. “Or husband, if you prefer.”

She walked toward his wardrobe and pulled out a shirt for him. Was he suffering from memory loss again? No. Nothing had changed. He remembered yesterday, and the day before, and every day before that. Only… “Hawke, I assure you that I am awake, and we are not married.”

She set the shirt on the bed and sat next to it, pulling her knees to her chest. “If this is a joke, I don’t think I like it. Does something very funny happen next?”

They stared at each other, Hawke with her chin on her knees, Fenris with his arms held out, palms up in a universal sign of confusion. There was nothing for it. He would have to ask her outright. “Why do you think we’re married?”

He could not have offended her more deeply if he’d tried. Her face fell, her cheeks went pink. Her gaze drifted around the room, landing on anything but him. “What are you talking about? I bought you a bed. You moved into my house. You told me you wanted to face the future with me and that you’d never leave. What else would that mean?”

All of that did happen, true. He meant it then and he meant it now. Still… “Marriage happens in a chantry.”

Hawke scoffed. “Only for rich people.”

“You are rich!”

Her eyes blazed as she corrected him. “We are rich.” She inhaled sharply and covered her mouth in surprise. Blinking rapidly, she turned her face away from him.

“Are you… are you crying?”

“No.” She sniffed. A tear rolled down her cheek. “Maker’s breath, why is this affecting me?”

He sat next to her and gently put his arm out, afraid she would refuse his comfort. She didn’t—leaning into him and resting her head upon his shoulder.

“You called yourself Fenris Hawke,” she accused.

“That was symbolic.”

“Of our marriage!”

How long had he not known they were married in her eyes? In her silence he knew that she was doing the same calculations.

“We will rectify this,” he promised, “Today.”

“There’s nothing to rectify.”

“We’ll talk to Sebastian.”

She pulled away from him to look him in the face. “Do you really want me to go in front of the chantry and tell everyone that you are the only man I intend to fuck for the rest of my life?”

“I… no.”

“Do you need that for this to be real? For our promises to each other to mean something?” She wiped her face. “No, sorry, I’m not trying to accuse, I know I sound… I’m asking. Is that what you want?”

“I don’t… I don’t know. I never thought you would—” He didn’t finish the sentence. He never thought Hawke would want to marry him. Why would she? Marriage was a combining of assets, a consolidation of power, and though Hawke might love him, he brought her nothing, no wealth, titles, distinction. And yet now, with him doing little more than hanging his sword in her foyer, he found she had believed them married for months already. What he offered her had clearly been enough.

He looked into her eyes, red now, a little puffy. He had made vows. He didn’t need a chantry sister to hear them to make them real. He laughed suddenly, a small thing, the harbinger of a storm of elation gathering in his chest and threatening to overpower him.

He had been her husband for weeks and he didn’t even have the good sense to know it. “No,” he answered, “You are right.”

She sniffled. “I’m what?”

“You’re right. You are already—” He laughed again, louder. He couldn’t get it out. The word felt foreign on his tongue and far too joyful for the likes of him.

“I’m already what?” Hawke asked, a hunger in her eyes. She was on the brink of winning and she knew it, her breath held waiting for his admission of defeat.

He shook his head in the face of her smile, unable to control his own. “You’re my—”

“Mhmm?”

“My—” At this rate, if he smiled any wider, his face would crack.

“Say it.”

“You’re my wife.”

Hawke threw her arms around him, laughing as they crashed back into their bed. “I can’t believe you didn’t know that already.”

#fenris #hawke #fenris x hawke #fluff #I love them

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exodusmc · 4 years

Text

Outsider 05

Genre: Power au, war au, rebel au

Words: 1277

Paring: Light manipulator Baekhyun x Lieutenant Reader

Side character/s: Yixing

Warning!: Mentions of nightmares, talks about war

a/n: One million seller! And Exo Sc are soon here too! :)

Gif is not mine

Previous Next

Days passed slowly, each minute making Baekhyun on edge. Everyone walking around him could be a rebel, waiting to strike but at the time did he only know of Yixing, the doctor having visited him once the morning after and patched him up. You were there too, watching with hawk eyes, never saying anything. Baekhyun was sure your weren't a part of the plan and it made him more anxious. It would be harder escaping with you around, the emptiness in your gaze was mixed with death when you took down that woman. But then again, you never abused your power like the other guards, only doing as you were told, like a weapon. The green pin felt cool under his fingertips, burning with the color of life which had been once a world for people. Wars tore the hues away and gave birth to people like him. Baekhyun had only met one unnatural, the man had smiled sadly at the young boy, a finger placed before his lips as he hushed Baekhyun. Before dark eyes had a wind played, stroking over his cheeks. The man gave Baekhyun the scarf he had been wearing and some money, ruffling his hair before he disappeared. Over the years had the man’s face faded but there was still a clear picture of his grin, the whisper of low words.

“There will be a good time for people like us..”Baekhyun had watched with wide orbs as the older who crouched down spoke.”..when people like you and my beautiful daughter can be friends..”

Baekhyun never saw him again, he never saw that city again because it was destroyed and most people living in it killed. He remembered being so scared, the shadows suddenly his only company, just like now. Ever since the woman had gone crazy was the security harder and the free time shorter. He was never let out more than four times a day, once to eat at the canteen, the others to use the toilet. It started to get to him, the walls coming closer every night he tried to sleep.

“I have some questions regarding case 04..”you spoke with the same tone as always, the unnatural becoming a mere number from your mouth. Yixing tensed at the sight of a file in your hands, his fingers gripping hard at black slacks he wore.”..There are crucial parts missing in his documents, important things all unnaturals have to go through.”

The papers landed on his desk, your eyes watching his face try to keep its warmth. You knew you were pushing him but you wanted to see what he would do, what he would say. Yixing had been a great doctor but the more you read the records, the more you were wondering what he was doing.

“Ah..yes, well you see Y/n, he seemed so weak when he came so I never went through protocol…”he smiled at you, grabbing the file and flipped through them.”..I never got the chance to do them..always having someone else to help..”

“But you know that the unnaturals is higher than the low ranks when it comes to doing these tests...Doctor shouldn't you follow orders? The laws which keep us safe?”there was darkness in his gaze as he watched you, smiling with thinner lips.”..I have the authority to perform the tests but I was wondering why they weren't already finished..”

“Like I said, I’m a very busy man..”the doctor stood up, walking to one of the full shelves and grabbing random file, one of many.”..My priority is unfortunately to heal and not sit and watch what Baekhyun can do..”

You saw him close the file, putting it back but still holding Byun’s. Yixing smiled, hiding his glowing fingers the best he could. You were pressing his emotions to be stronger in the sense of anger, making it harder to control even when the power was created of life.

“Well then, dr Zhang, I’ll take the case of your hands then..”panic sparked in his orbs for a second catching the pasty yellow light from the sun.

“But isn't it unnecessary? He’s been here for a long time and we already know that he posses light..”

“It’s as important as always. We don't know how strong he is or what he has as weaknesses..”the citizen who outed Baekhyun for money had already told them about the light which he used and how he never hurt anyone. You were starting to think he was arrested to make sure the rebels wouldn't have another ally with them.

“The drug will take at least a week before it gets here..”that was true but you could still see what he could do, what his body could take.

“You are right dr Zhang..”in Baekhyun’s file was a picture, his face pale against the blooming bruise from the soldiers. His lips looked soft and eyes down truend.”But I’ll look into his ability, goodbye.”

“Dr Zhang didn't want to perform the tests which is amust when it comes to the unnatural, his excuse was his hectic schedule..”you glanced out the window, following the lines of the forest about a kilometer away. It looked dark but at peace, dead grass swaying before it.”..and he went to case 04 last night for a check up after the incident in the canteen. He advised against me going into to the unnatural’s cell, since he was tried, so I never got a chance to see if something happened. But this morning was I presented as Dr Zhang checked case 04 and nothing seemed to be wrong. Lieutenant Shin Y/N, Juniela 20 year 4508, time 20:00. ”

You sighed, closing the report and glared at the red mark on it. There was a pile of letters on your desk, waiting to be sent, but you didn't want to, using the excuse of no one going to closest base. They laid in a neat pile, five turning to six, and you felt a sudden rage to them. Your nights had been filled by the nightmare you refused to believe was your own but over time had it been harder to ignore. Your parents had smiled at you, then they had cried so softly before disappearing, leaving you in the dark until a red soldier found you. Hate was all you felt for the images, hate for the fright eating you. Pens rolled around you, pushed to the side so you could grab a pencil and your book.

“They are lying to us all, living in luxury and red. They never tell the truth, they are the monsters. They created them and they kill them, they kill everyone. The blue pills are only here to reduce the population, destroy the filth and they lie about them too…”your balanced writing was completely ragged, so different from all the reports laying to the side.”They lied to me.”

Yixing stood outside, breathing calmly as the sun caressed his face. He couldn't feel the grass through his pants but the soft swaying sound of it moving made him almost believe he could. Like always was his hair gelled back but he didn't wear the lab coat, stripped himself of the republic’s mark. Before him was a small fire and inside it a letter from his visitor, green having been destroyed. Yixing relaxed, relishing in the moment of peace while he could. He knew that this was the last time he could because they were close and a war with them. All he could hope was for a happy ending this time.

Tags: @shesdreaminginoverdose

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graaythekwami · 4 years

Text

Love Square Fluff Week: Day 4, Your Voice