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badbacksadsack · 9 months

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I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed but I am compassionate for what I am experiencing. I want to pause to really recognise how I feel. I’m having an emotional experience and it’s manifesting in my chest feeling heavy, my heart is beating faster, my face is warm. I am resting and recharging before going for a trip to collect some food waste later for myself and the community. I enjoy feeling like I am using my time for something positive to make positive change in my life and also to distract me and get me out of the house. I feel like I’m used to not really pausing or reflecting on how I feel because it was never modelled to me. I know now that feelings are a natural and normal part of humans and we have to work with ourselves (and others at times) to really understand what is happening inside. I always felt rushed, from childhood until adulthood. And now I feel I am rushing myself rather than realising that nothing happens in my life until I am ready to do that thing. I am in control of my day, and my life. I am strength in silence, I am minding my own business and tending to my own wounds and healing in peace. In peace. I want peace more than anything, I wasn’t finding it in the dunya, my previous situation was just something human and fallible. Prone to making mistakes. I forgive myself and those who have hurt me for me, including myself and kieren and my mum and my sister and my brother and my uncle and my grandmother and my father (and jc and mia) because I want peace in my life. I am grateful to those experiences as much as they did hurt, they also taught me valuable lessons about myself, kindness, openness, vulnerability and immense strength that I witnessed myself show in the face of absolute disrespect. I know I can no longer rationalise being hurt in order to feel loved or seen. I cannot explain to my inner child why I am not being the beautiful peaceful adult protector of my dreams. I don’t want to meet people on their frequency, if their vibration isn’t at my own I can respectfully distance myself and keep my light, joy and happiness safe and nourished. I want to focus only on myself, comparison really is the thief of joy and only gratitude brings perspective and real meaning to my life experience. Over the last weeks, I’ve been going on more walks, talking about my feelings more (journalling and verbally), being around a piece of nature I’m looking after and I’m really proud of how I am lifting myself up from the past dust and moving on with my head held high. I forgive myself, I did what I did because I felt I had that behaviour in the suitcase. I’m working on putting down, then carefully unpacking that messy unhealthy tangled suitcase so I can work through it and heal. Some wounds are better left untouched for now and only after building a self care routine and more internal strength I will be able to fathom what happens but for now - I’m focusing on my queer black femme masc gender neutral journey and accepting myself on the inside because what’s on the outside literally does not matter. We are not our bodies, or our weight, or our hair colour, or genitalia. I am not for others consumption, I exist to make myself feel safe and peaceful so I can finally live my life in the sunshine✨

#loner #dysphoria #self deprecation #isolation #executive dysfunction #low self-esteem #depresso #anxious avoidant #isolated #open diary #journaling

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youarejesting · 4 years

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Femme 32

Recap: Heading home from Daegu, the boys all come to greet you. Decorating the tree together like a family, you give Namjoon the important job of adding the topper to the tree. Mistletoe, mischief and music. The night is filled with fun, vlogging for your channel. Recurring thoughts of the Boys next door being alone for Christmas. A bad dream brings you closer to Jimin. More mischief ensues in the morning, where Namjoon takes it upon himself to teach you to behave like a ‘good girl’. Yoongi provides his knowledge on discipline and even demonstrates his skill on Jimin. A date with Hoseok left you feeling content.

Pairing: BTS - OT7 x Reader,

Rating: Adorable

Warnings: fluff

Length: 1k words

Announcement: I am back. just a short one as I am getting back into things. :)

Stepping out of the elevator you collided into a figure in a pink hoodie, falling forward taking down two more figures in Christmas sweaters one who landed on your back.

“Noona nice of you to drop by!” Kai grinned over your shoulder.

“Noona you're squishing me” Beomgyu groaned flailing his arms.

Cackling at the absurdity, the boys who were left standing began lifting each of you back into your feet. You hugged Beomgyu pulling his head against your chest wiping your tears as you laughed.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to crush you”

“Noona it’s okay?” He laughed trying to wiggle himself from your grip “Noona, It’s okay, I’m okay now, you can let go now Noona”

Making eye contact with the boys grinning as you pinned the struggling teen in your arms. “No I cannot let this be.” Pulling away you quickly put on a serious face and stifled your giggles. “What do you say to a Christmas barbecue lunch with us?”

“Rearwy” Beomgyusaid his face squished between your palms

“Noona can we come too?” Kai asked quietly holding your sweater sleeve in his hands.

“Of course you are all invited, What meat do you like? I can make hamburgers, or we could get some steak or something”

“Steak they all seemed to chime in but Soobin frowned touching the boys shoulders and you saw them all visibly deflate.

“Whatever is cheap”Soobin smiled

“Ah well I will surprise you then” You grinned watching them all straighten up and call for the elevator once more. Pulling out your phone you smiled, “I might invite Moon Inshik and Jiyoung and family for lunch as well, if they aren’t already busy”

Hoseok nodded trying to lead you away as you slipped Yeonjun a small bank note “buy something nice to keep the boys warm ok?”

“Noona we-” Hoseok stopped Yeonjun from refusing and smiled patting a second bill into his hand.

“You heard the lady, get yourselves something warm to eat, don’t spend it all in one place”

“Don’t listen to him spend it quickly and have fun” you waved as the elevator doors closed around the boys. “They are so cute”

The house was quiet, everyone had gone to bed except Jungkook who was asleep his cheek pressed against the kitchen counter. Hoseok gave you a quick kiss and a pat on the bum, telling you to get ready for bed. He lifted the young boy onto his back and staggered off down the hallway.

The silence was a little lonely, but as much as you had wanted to snuggle with one of the boys, you knew you needed some time alone to recharge your batteries. You liked the freedom of being alone sometimes, it gives you time to reflect and process your thoughts.

There was a knock on the door and you stepped into the hallway feeling refreshed. You opened the door, as Namjoon leaned on the door frame. You heard a giggle running past behind him and you couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face. “We made breakfast, and be nice I think I handed the boys salt instead of caster sugar” he rubbed the back of his neck, cheeks aflame.

“I will love them no matter what” You laughed, he leaned down and kissed you leading you out and you saw Yoongi laying face down on the couch as two twin boys jumped on his back giggling. Your mouth fell open in shock, was this a dream.

“Mummy!” Two children came flooding towards you, they were the same age and similar looking and you were stunned. This had to be a dream, but you didn’t want to wake up.

“Hello, What are your names?”

“I am Jae and this is my little sister Jae we are twins mama!” these two looked a lot like you and their personality was like Hoseok’s but they looked a lot like you and you couldn’t see any of the boys features.

“Who is your daddy?” You asked and they turned pointing at Yoongi on the couch and then up at Namjoon across to Hoseok and Jimin. You sighed, amused, they didn’t discriminate they had seven Dad’s and you wouldn’t argue that.

“Their biological father is Taehyung and they are both five this year. Next is Kim Mirae, she is our daughter and she is three this year” Namjoon smiled

“Huimang you have to put your clothes on, you can’t run around nakie, the girls will laugh at your gochu” Seokjin chased a child around “Hoseok your son is trying to corrupt our poor daughter’s eyes”

“Hui, let Daddy Jin put your pants on” he laughed taking one side of the couch as Seokjin blocked the other. Huimang looked like Hoseok his face was long with charming features. He ducked under the coffee table dodging his two fathers arms, as they accidentally head butted each other. Climbing up and sitting on Yoongi’s back.

“Why is there a naked child on my back?” You laughed grabbing the clothes and scooping up the child dressing him quickly, “How old are you?”

“I am fwee, mama” he cuddled you and Taehyung stepped out of the hall shirtless and Jimin laughed

“Byul got you again?”

“I have accepted my fate that I am a toilet to him” Taehyung pouted

“You say we want our mama” Jungkook cooed bringing you a tiny fussy bundle. You held the little angel close and started to cry, this felt perfect and you didn’t want to wake up.

“You always look so perfect holding a baby?” Yoongi said sitting up on the couch the children climbing all over him, yet he was unphased.

“I can’t wait for the next one, I hope it’s a girl, we have too many boys, they need a little sister” Namjoon said and you looked down noticing your swollen belly.

You were startledawake your cheeks damp and the room quiet. You quickly wrote down your dream and some of the names you remembered and you grinned opening the door to see Namjoon.

“Good morning love” he kissed you brushing your hair off your face, “We made breakfast, and be nice I think I handed the boys salt instead of caster sugar”

It seemed whether you were in a dream or not, Namjoon was still Namjoon.

Femme Media 32

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dearmyblank · 5 years

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Hey C.R,

"I love you."

"I can't even love myself right now, let alone anyone else."

How are you? I hope you're doing well. I miss your sisters, I even brought presents for them, and I still have the drawing one of them made for me (was it M or B? Don't tell them I cant remember!)

We met at exactly the wrong time. I was working through my commitment issues (not on you, thats on me) and I was about to move all the way across the country. You were stuck in your town for another year, but we both knew you'd end up in the same one as me. We weren't to be in the same town for another year. But god did we fall hard.

It was always inevitable, I think. I just happened to be the one to crash first. The breakup wasn't smooth, we didn't part ways properly. We kept talking, which I think was our real downfall. We both still had feelings we didn't act on, for fear they wouldn't be reciprocated.

And then, I had to go and get stranded in your hometown. That night was a mistake. I don't regret it, but I regret it being the end of everything we shared.

So many things have changed since we knew each other. I'm not super femme anymore, I've embraced my more masculine side. I use he or they pronouns, no more she. But I'm still the same me. Through some intense therapy, my mind fog has lifted. I even have a diagnosis now (PTSD and Dissociation, if you're wondering.) I wonder what's changed with you? I know your friend group is the same.

Sometimes I see you at university. I'm so happy you ended up going, it must have been so therapeutic to get out of that house. I kind of want to talk to you, but I feel like it's not my place anymore.

I keep seeing things about people meeting at the wrong time and then re-meeting at the right one. It's been years now, but god, sometimes I can't help but think, what if?

It's been over a year since I've had a tumblr now, but I still check this tab. If you see this, and you feel like it, reach out to me.

Always yours, even after all this time,

C.D

(P.S: I wanted to say it back, but the words were stuck in my throat. I would say it now.)

#c #submission

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calvinjohaanson · 3 years

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