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martsonmars · 2 years

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Hello people! Thanks for tagging me this past week, I love your snippets always <3

Little writing rant coming, feel free to skip to the actual content, which is under the cut!

Writing is hard. I've barely written anything all month, and it's fine. Maybe I've finally made peace with the fact that writing is a hobby, and it should be fun and not feel like a chore, and that I don't owe anything to anyone. I'm getting better at not forcing myself to write when I don't feel like it, which was something I did at the beginning of the year—after years of writer's block, from last September to December I managed to write almost every day, and it felt so good that when January came and writer's block with it, I felt awful and forced myself to write more than once. It doesn't work and it just makes everything worse, so I'm happy that I'm finally being kinder to myself and to my limits.

BUT what bothers me now is that I genuinely want to write, and I'm so excited about so many projects... It's the physical act of writing that makes me nauseous, lately. I open the doc/notes app/Tumblr draft/notebook/app for recording (because I've tried many methods), and I'm filled with dread. Which makes me sad. I almost felt better when, at the beginning of the year, I simply didn't want to write. At least I didn't feel like I had too much creative energy and no way to let it out—I was just drained. Now I'm full of things that want to be written, and I can never turn them into words. But I'll get there. It's just frustrating, especially since right now writing is basically the only thing that truly and somewhat consistently brings me joy.

Having said that, I have written a whole (2.2k) fic a few days ago. You might wonder how this doesn't contradict what I said before. It's because it's a terrible first draft, and it resembles more an outline than a proper fic in more than one spot, which is what I meant when I said that “I'm full of things that want to be written but I can't turn them into words”—having ideas and outlining is easy, writing is impossible. And you might say that first drafts are supposed to be terrible, and it's true, but I really hate editing in English. I usually only write when words are flowing well enough that the first draft is pretty decent—I still need to edit it, but it's quick and mostly painless. Because when a draft is rough and ugly, editing it makes me want to cry. I can never get words to obey me, and having to change every sentence really discourages me, especially when I have no idea how to make them better. When everything feels shallow and dull and boring and ugh. Yeah. I truly hate it.

But anyway. I do have this fic that's finished, but it needs to be edited so much that the final work will probably be twice as long. But, as I said, editing is truly painful, so who knows when I'll find the strength to do it??? But that's enough complaining.

Enjoy some snippets of a new kid fic, because writing Snowbaz with child fills my heart with so much joy 🥰 Under the cut with the tags <3

Some Baz POV.

The man looks close to dropping the bag and running away, and I don't blame him. “Yes. I've got the right address and the right name. 31 cheeseburgers with no pickles.”

If this whole situation was weird before, it's veering into absurd now. I would never order a cheeseburger without pickles.

Some Simon.

If anyone asked me to describe what happiness looks like, it would be this. Coming home after work to find my husband and my son sitting at the kitchen table in front of a mountain of cheeseburgers.

And some more Simon.

Leo wins his fight against the wrapper and lifts the first cheeseburger.

“Besides, look at him. He's so hungry and cute.”

Baz snorts and tugs me to his side to hug me and press his cheek against my stomach. I run my fingers through his hair, bringing his already dying bun to its final demise.

“He is,” he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. “Really your son.”

We stay silent as Leo takes a huge bite and grins at us with his mouth full.

Tags!!!

@wellbelesbian @urban-sith @tea-brigade @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin @facewithoutheart @palimpsessed @otherpeoplesheartachept-2 @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @forabeatofadrum @johnwgrey @fatalfangirl @prettylightsbigcity @whatevertheweather @jbrrring @confused-bi-queer @moodandmist @bookish-bogwitch @letraspal @dragoneggo @captain-aralias @takitalks @theotherhufflepuff @otherworldsivelivedin @excalisbury @shemakesmeforget @starwarned @cutestkilla @ileadacharmedlife @gekkoinapeartree @bazzybelle @bloodiedpixie @stardustasincocaine @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @angelsfalling16 @basiltonbutliketheherb @messofthejess @ivelovedhimthroughworse @artsyunderstudy

#wip wednesday #my writing

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torturedpoetemotions · 1 year

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Blatantly stealing from @pixiedustandbluebutterflies because I also dislike new year's resolutions (partly because I do inevitably run out of spoons OR just forget because wriggly brain by mid-February) but I LOVE the idea of goals, hopes, and things I'm excited about. So without further chattering...

My Goals for 2023

- Get my finances to a stable place I want to be able to delete all my payday advance apps, clean up my monthly subscriptions, pay down my credit cards so I can actually use them for emergencies as intended, and just not be scrambling around payday every two weeks to figure out how I'm going to make things work.

- Read more I'm not putting a specific number on it, I just want to spend more time reading than I did this year, especially when the only thing stopping me was doom scrolling or flipping mindlessly through my Roku channels looking for something to watch and finding nothing. I want to recapture the joy and peace I used to feel just getting lost in reading for a while, whether that's fanfiction, original fiction, nonfiction, poetry, whatever.

- Finish a WIP Any WIP, fanfic or original work, I just want to feel that sense of satisfaction when a piece I've worked on for ages is finally done.

- Go swimming every week this summer I have free unlimited access to a pool AND the beach for the first time in my life, I might as well use them!

- Learn to let go of things Specifically, tasks or goals I've set for myself that I never get around to that are mentally and emotionally blocking me from doing other things I actually want to do, like old WIPs from my Glee fandom days I can't stand to look at anymore.

My Hopes for 2023

- Get my various health issues resolved/under control

- Get to a place in therapy where I can think/talk about my familial issues without reliving them

- Finish a creative project (the one with Liz)

- Get pre-approved for a home loan

- Witness evil men finally suffer the consequences of their misdeeds

Things I'm Excited About in 2023

- Teen Wolf Movie (January)

- Bridgewater Season 2 (January)

- Criminal Minds Evolution (January)

- The Winchesters (January 24th)

- Eras Tour! (April); Going to see Taylor Swift live with some of the best people I know. We have Outfits planned!

- Pride Month (June)

- Summer (realistically May to September where I live); Can't wait to enjoy the warmth and sun and reprieve from RA symptoms and clear skin and increased energy and daily swimming that summer brings!

- Bisalp surgery (August); I am finally going to get off depo and take myself out of the running for pregnancy permanently!

- Halloween (October); Always my favorite time of year

I feel like I'm setting myself a lot of goals here but I have a lot I want to do! And if some of it doesn't happen, well. At least it wasn't for lack of trying!

I am really glad I did this because I didn't realize how much I had to look forward to this year.

#2023 #happy new year!#goals #hopes #joys

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eraseur-a · 10 months

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i never vent on main but this month has been so hard. tws covid, dysphoria, sex, self harm

in the past month:

i broke up with my fiance who id been with for 2 years. he was my best friend. i talked to him every day. i miss him.

it felt like i lost my entire future. i have no plan or goals anymore. i had something concrete and am now just lost.

there's nothing i care about and nothing that brings me joy. i feel like im shoving my brain full stimulation just to get by. i have no passions or interests or projects or ideas or desires or goals. ive always had projects and creativity but i just have nothing.

ive been fucking up so much at my job and its stressing me out so much i feel like im a terrible manager and didnt deserve this promotion and im freaking out and its so weird learning new social rules and watching everyones level of respect for me change. and god fuck being at work and having to talk to everyone is making me hate myself like why cant i talk to my coworkers like everyone else can. how are they having these conversations with each other and building relationships. i dont understand fuck i hate not knowing social things

and ive been seeing a new man who i like a lot but hes neurotypical and im so scared to meet his friends and family because he told me im "weird" and i also just cant allocate the energy to be around normal people i dont have any capacity or desire to do so

this has also given me major dysphoria and so much stress about my gender and sexuality. im realizing how dysphoric i actually am -- or maybe its just how dysphoric being around him makes me. this guy is amazing why do i have to be fucking weird and broken. why cant i just have sex like a normal person. i want to be with him but being with him makes me hate myself but also i should just stop hating myself right.

and then just now lost a vibrant and special community of people that shared the same interest as me that has consumed my life for 4 months. close friends. who, more than anything, i admired immensely as artists and creators and who inspired me so much. im not going to pretend like im not devastated to have lost friends and inspirations. i miss you and im sorry. all this this also means ive lost a sense of safety and faith.

and my mom got covid. and i live with her. so im terrified of my mom dying and every time i cough im convinced im gonna die. this is making my ocd so much worse, so im doing all my ocd rituals more intensely, but then shit keeps going wrong, which makes me feel like i cant even have faith in that, and if i cant have faith in that then what next will i turn to to save me. what do i shove in the emptiness

and i relapsed with self harm like... 3 times this month. i regret it so fucking much and that isnt making it easier.

it's just so much. im always okay, but... im starting to worry that maybe im not actually okay.

i dont want to talk about any of this really. i dont want attention or sympathy. im so tired of having conversations. i just needed to vent and just... share where i'm at. thinking about anime superheroes is the closest thing to enjoyment this brain has been able to get the past few days. and im terrified to admit that i am human and need a support system and am maybe not okay.

#vent tw #negativity tw #ooc #tbd

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idreamtofmanderleyagain · 10 months

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Okay. A positive post. I wanted to share with you guys for a while but it's been uneasy due to the churning negative stuff. But fuck it, I'm just going for it.

For anybody curious, this is a basic example of what chatbot RP actually looks like (CharacterAI in this case). I think one of the biggest communication barriers between us all is a lack of real mutual experience with these things.

I started this RP just for demo purposes, so it's low effort on my part and therefore nothing really attention grabbing. Quality typically varies. It tends to suck more for beginners (and the very start of a chat is usually pretty weak) due to unfamiliarity with what makes it work best. The better you are at it the more it can match up to you. (It is poor at prose though, it struggles with decent metaphor).

Is it amazing? Not exactly. Some bots are better than others (Strauss is awesome - for a chatbot. IMO popular characters from big franchises tend to degrade in quality because they are trained by a higher number of people pushing it for bad fanon characterization).

The idea of it competing with a real fic writer or a real human RP partner is laughable. (But compete is the wrong word entirely for me. It is it's own form of entertainment with unique benefits and drawbacks.) It can create fun dreamlike plotlines. It tends to veer into melodrama territory easily. It's essentially a semi-decent choose your own adventure game. It cannot create a structured, meaningful narrative (although you can steer it in the directions you want). It can also only go so far before the chat starts to degrade.

It's output varies wildly from total cringe to surprisingly awesome (you can swipe left to make it generate a new response). It can generate silly, stupid OOC nonsense easily, and it often "forgets" what came before it, so you have to kind of act as a characterization/plot/lore wrangler to keep it on the right track. Some of the fun of it is in the challenge of keeping it on track while letting it surprise you. A lot of the best material actually comes from what you put into it yourself, which it reacts to and furthers the story. It will explore the ideas, scenarios, and character drama you suggest to it via your end of the role play, and it can do a pretty decent job of it. It can even pick up on subtext and emotional cues and dynamics.

What makes it fun? It's entertainment catered to you because you are the user and you guide your own fun. It's also much more relaxing and less challenging than devoting energy to creative writing. So when I can't find a good fic to read, and it's been a hard day at work, I can enjoy the experience of reading and writing and text based RP simultaneously with less effort than a big creative project or waiting for a partner or digging fruitlessly through AO3. I don't much like the idea of partnered fandom RP anyway, I prefer DnD.

But I would never stop reading fanfic, or finding joy in the writing of others or in writing my own fics, or give up on DnD with my friends. All of which are absolutely superior experiences.

Tech bro grifters who want to monetize anything fandom suck (ahem. CharacterAI itself. Their own userbase hates them with a passion for a multitude of reasons. If you try this it's free and has no ads, do not pay them a dime for premium. This is just the best one we have so far for this type of text RPG). But one day we will probably have easier access to open source and/or local models that individual creatives in fandom can train and "bring to life" themselves for the free enjoyment of everyone, or just for themselves on their own PCs. It's the huge costly servers that these companies own that are the current barrier.

#AI content warning #nothing particularly stress inducing in here tho

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neelgamesartanddesign · 3 months

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Practice 1: Weekly Projects

Lights and Shadow

It's not difficult to underestimate light. In reality, it enlightens, illuminates, and characterizes all our encounters. Yet, in the domain of 3D creation, it turns into a stone carver, a narrator, a performer of mind-set. A basic course change, a change of power, and unexpectedly, a clean room turns into a sun-soaked shelter, a shadowy rear entryway changes into a scene trickling with tension.

This acknowledgment hit me like a beam of daylight through a stained-glass window. The scenes I once considered static structures were presently materials asking for brilliant stories. Long shadows that whispered of time and history were cast by directional lights that transformed into my sun. Region lights transformed into fireflies, hitting the dance floor with energetic splendor to wind around a feeling of miracle. Like a spotlight on a stage, a well-placed point light can draw the viewer's attention, direct the narrative, and bring to light obscure details.

Be that as it may, light isn't just about enlightenment; it's about contrast, about the fragile interchange among brightness and murkiness. I embraced the shadows, learning their language of profundity and secret. Impediment murmured mysteries in corners, surrounding shadows etched structure, and decisively positioned haze turned into a drapery concealing untold stories past the light's span.

Also, it wasn't just about specialized authority; Emotion was at the center. I learned how to use light to bring joy, peace, and even fear. A warm gleam from a window could coax the watcher closer, while a cool, disrupting shaft of twilight could creep them out. Light turned into my profound brush, painting sentiments onto the advanced material.

This week in Stunning has been an extraordinary excursion. It has made me realize the power of light as a storytelling tool and sparked my enthusiasm for creating luminescent narratives in the 3D world. Thus, individual pixel weavers, I encourage you to investigate this brilliant jungle gym. Grab your virtual tools, paint your own scenes on the digital canvas with light and shadow, and tell your own stories. The world anticipates your brilliant imaginativeness!

This blog actually catches your growth opportunity with light in Stunning Motor. Make sure to give specific examples of how you used different kinds of lights in your scenes to get specific effects. Go ahead and notice the difficulties you confronted and the assets that assisted you with defeating them. By remembering individual tales and reflections for the close to home effect of lighting, you can make a blog that is both instructive and connecting with for individual creatives. Allow your voice to radiate through, and share your freshly discovered energy for the language of light with the world!

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skyeheron · 6 months

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(Wong, 2020)

Research:

To understand why play is beneficial to adults I needed to conduct research on articles and studies that help support this. Surprisingly, there is a lot of resources encouraging this already, showing it's a good area to advocate for as it's widely backed up and researched.

This article by The New York Times explains how adults can follow through with this and why we should. “One way to think about play is an action you do that brings you a significant amount of joy without offering a specific result,”. Adults in general too often times focus on whether something is productive, whether it creates financial gain or develops practical or useful skills. If an activity doesn't do this it's usually seen as a waste of time or energy or it's hard to make time for it with other responsibilities and needs given a higher level of priority.

However "play offers a reprieve from the chaos, and it challenges us to connect with a key part of ourselves that gets lost in the responsibilities of adulthood". It can provide an escape from stress and actually improves our wellbeing and mental health.

How do we do it?

"Failing feels bad, so our inner critic discourages us from doing things that feel silly, uncomfortable or risky". This article recommends taking steps to combat this includes writing down all your inner critical thoughts and asking yourself "Is any of this actually true? Or is it just the scared little kid in me trying to protect myself?". This helps us identify how harsh we are to ourselves and how we stop ourselves from approaching tasks in a playful and creative mindset.

As an adult, it might be hard to know how to play. “Play isn’t something new that you have to do. It’s tapping back to something that is personal and fulfilling.” The article talks about getting back to what you loved as a kid and adapting it if needed to suit adulthood, an example being playdoh could now be pottery or bread making. You also don't need to change the activity, however. You can still climb trees or watercolor paint if that's what you want to do.

Also, it recommends not sharing this on social media as "play is supposed to be intrinsically motivated" and sharing it on social media leads it to be done for external validation. This may be a problem when marketing or creating my project as oftentimes user-generated content can be very beneficial to encouraging others to participate.

The article also recognises that as adults it may be hard to find free time to do an activity that we enjoy. This is why it suggests finding "micro-moments of play" giving examples such as singing a song in your car, dancing in the kitchen while you cook. The idea is that doing something for you like this helps you focus more on the present moment and allows us to stop ruminating and feeling anxious for a second about things outside of our control. "The idea isn’t to ignore your negative feelings but to give yourself permission to feel joy alongside the negativity".

Using play or connecting with your inner child in this way and perspective is interesting and could be linked to what I said to Mark in my tutorial that he liked: "Wellbeing is over". This doesn't mean to stop caring about our own wellbeing or happiness but instead, have a new take on what this could mean or how to do so, but it's a shocking statement to use due to the connotations and could gain interest. There's an overflux of meditation and journalling advice and most people have heard it and know about it so promoting how to improve mental wellbeing through play might be exciting and actually interesting to people making them want to listen and engage more.

#joybringer #istd #level 6 #specialist practice #research

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soltana-studios · 8 months

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State of the Soltana Address - 2023-08-30 - Unpacking and Catching Up

Well, hey there internet.

I’ll try and go through this as painless as possible, but I know that with me gone for a bit, there’s a lot I need to address, including my absence in the digital world. Also, I’m posting this on Tumblr as oppose to the bird site, mainly cause this is kind of a mixed site between LJ and Twit for me. An unholy union. That said, let’s begin.

Where have you been?

So, right off the bat, I have been a little away from things for some time. Primarily due to some things in my life outside of the screen. This involves getting my work in order, finding a new job and getting married.

Sorry, Married?

Oh, right, yes, me and my wife (always feel like I sound like Borat when I say it) got married in June after being engaged for some time (longer due to COVID). I had to direct a lot of my energy and time into this as we both are anxious people and I hate planning things for large functions. Wedding itself was fun, lots of love and laughs. Great beautiful day and now I spend the rest of my life with my partner in crime. She’s stuck with me now, despite her knowing my insanity.

What Else?

Outside of the normal day to day stuff, we have been looking into adoption, due to some personal issues we both have. Won’t get into the nitty gritty of it, but it is due to health. Wife is telling me I would be a great dad and, honestly, I think that makes sense. I am at the point in my life where dad jokes do put a smile on my face rather than make me shudder. Then there’s just the upkeep of having a house, balancing work, and all the while, squeezing in moments for myself.

Seems Like You’ve Had a Busy Summer:

For the most part, it has been longer than a summer, but I will say yes. The problem is I’m finding smaller amounts of time to write and relax, and the time that I do have, I just want to decompress. As of late, my life is boring while at the same time being busy and crazy.

So, What is the “State of the Soltana Boss / Studio”?

Well, I’ll break it down as such:

I am currently working a personal omnibus for myself, in which I am about 90% complete. The details are basically a bunch of notes, original copies of all the stories I have done and references / guides that I managed to reorganize into a PDF.

I have been off and on with TFSU. As I said previously, Book 1 is fully fleshed out and I should be writing it, while the other books are in developmental stages. I’ll try and keep an updated log of this, but, for now, things haven’t moved

I have a couple of new projects I want to start, however, all I have now are concept ideas. They need a little bit of time in the oven before I can being the work on it.

I do have some stories of the Bing that I want to do, however, I’m treating them as low priority, due to, I don’t want to fall into familiar patterns.

What do you mean Familiar Patterns?

Lately, I have been stuck in the past. I didn’t realize that I was until I saw a story online that made me reflect on what I was doing. I was keeping the Bing on some ungodly life support, because I wanted to have the feeling that I had before of writing in a forum and talking with people or RPing in said forums. I was trying to recapture that feeling again, the joy that I had.

But unfortunately, I couldn’t. As dark as this sounds, we can’t go back.

That’s what I feel that the Bing was, a lifeline to try and pull me back into the past. I want to do new things with writing and not rely on characters that I know everything about and that every story about them has been practically done. I want to move forward with myself and write new experiences and characters.

What about TFSU?

TFSU is sort of a mixed bag. While it has a lot of Iris’s characters that I have worked on for a while, I see it as two things. One, an homage to a friend’s creativity and talent and two a new experience to write a different setting and bring in some new plots. I’m actually looking at TFSU as the first step in breaking out of these patterns and it is exciting.

Okay, so what’s stopping you?

Outside of the above? Well, I also managed to get myself a new Steam Deck. It’s the first next gen console that I have had in a while and I found I am actually playing some games. Speaking of games, I’ve also been sucked in to playing Gloomhaven a lot with my wife.

Gloomhaven?

Look it up, it’s a video game and a board game. Short of it, it’s DnD in a board / card game.

Anything Else?

Caught up on Geats , now I am taken a sabbatical, like I normally do, until next year to watch Gotchard

How was Geats?

[Inhales] Definitely not perfect, but it has been one of the best Reiwa Riders that I have seen. Ace reminds me of Tendou so much it hurts. I did feel that the last act kind of meandered, but overall it was a good season. I felt like I was enjoying it for what it was all the way through, unlike Revice’s second half where it kind of nosedived a bit. Some people might call me crazy, but, I put Geats in second place right now, as I think Zero-One still has that crown, in my opinion, as best Reiwa Season.

Also Geats IX? Best final form in the Reiwa era to date. I will fight anyone on this hill!

We good?

We good. I’ll try and post more online, but I might make more of these, just cause I find writing this easier than anything else.

Stay Classy Internet

- Soltana Boss

#state of soltana address

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sturmmhond · 3 years

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The fact that you're also anti-SJM sparks satisfaction.

the fact that we both have suffered through part of/the entirety of her books should be considered a proper bonding experience

#răspuns #mutuals: dean 🕴🏻#i’m so tempted to just rewrite it all for my peace of mind but at the same time i should invest #all that creative energy into a project that brings me actual joy #so i hold back big time😌💖💖#and read fanfic instead #i should make a post of my fanfic recommendations because there’s good stuff out there #really really good stuff #anti sjm

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ivesambrose · 2 years

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⋆ 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐢 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 ⋆

1. 2. 3.

Take a deep breath and pick a gif 💚

To book a personal reading with me DM or email me at [email protected] with your name and query 🌙

Gif 1

It may feel like an overwhelming emotion of sadness is trying to get a hold of you and make you sink with it. I see some of you possibly crying at night then getting back to work in the morning. Start of the month you may not be able to see the silver lining of joy and fulfillment and things actually working out for you behind the scenes. But just because you can't see it doesn't mean that don't exist. You'll take the heaviness of this emotion or loss and build yourself up. Strong and sturdy, quite proud of what you could become. You may have a moment where you feel like you should have listened to someone in the past you may have had a falling out with and you likely would want to make amends with them if not this could just be you realizing you should listen to your hunches and forgive your past self and move forward a better individual. The coming new moon also brings about a promising creative energy for you, inspiration from dreams etc. This month, watch your best self unfold. Also, let the romance your heart's been craving deep down but you're denying, in.

Gif 2

Honestly though, congratulations! You're on your way to make big money. Its something you really like to do since your childhood. There's steady growth. Stop dropping things just because they take time. The slightest effort and time you put towards this will bring you bank in taurus season and even more returns in the coming 6 months. There will be choices and opportunities in front of you that might feel like a fork in the road. I see that you're afraid to dream big even though you cannot help but do so since your innate desire. You fear it's too intimidating almost. Behind that fear is a blessing. The fear is just a ruse. It seems you've figured out your passion and I'll confirm it for you, its your dedication towards a version of you that you've always pictured being. A lot of you I see working hard perhaps towards a body goal too or maybe a project you're putting together, remember to balance out all that fire in you with some earth. Take some time to simply be, take a walk, let your bare feet touch the ground.

Gif 3

A message you had been praying for, new found hope, travel, a sense of wonder, awe...

You want to dream, you want to create, you want to use art as a means of escape, means of expression, means of strength. There's romance, yes. Maybe even choices too. There's a desire to reconnect with your spiritual side too. Intuition is indeed running high but I see you being calm through it all. You've realized that in your stillness lies your strength and you want to gatekeep this new found power/gift/mindset of yours. Suddenly you feel a long drawn out cycle closing. It's like you no longer care for the thoughts that have been plaguing you for the longest time. You look to the moon and its reflection in the water and feel, "you know what, I have all my answers. I know which way to go. I don't need to keep asking for directions. I don't have to hammer a nail in to make something happen, it's already happening as it should be." take this month to pick up something you've always wanted to do and continue to be in flow with it.

#tarot community #free readings #divination community #Pick a card #Pick a gif #Pick a card community #tarot readers #intuitive readings #PAC #March 2022 messages #March 2022

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goldengoddess · 3 years

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best part of me, sunshine

pairing: kaz brekker x reader

request: your work is literal art! the way you write kaz is so endearing. i was gonna request - if you’re up for it - a reader who’s a literal ray of sunshine as a human being and kaz being his moody self and their interactions whilst in a developed relationship. you can totally be creative with this one and you’re amazing!! :D

a/n: i got SO outta hand with this only bc i totally projected bc this is the kinda person i am LMAO also THIS IS TOTALLY MY FAVORITE TROPE OR RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC best best thing ever anon thank you for this request i hope u like it! and thank u so much ur so freaking kind

warnings: some angst? like kinda in the middle? basically kaz getting into a mood and taking it out on the reader a little bit but HAPPY ENDINGS PEOPLE

you were the best part of him

he knew it

you knew it

everyone around him knew it

your energy, the pure light you brought into the world, was the best part of kaz’s life

no one was sure when the two of you became a ‘thing’

one day you were just there

to kaz there was before and after you

and frankly he didn’t really care about the before

he just cared about you

but kaz was, well, kaz

he wasn’t exactly the most, um como se dice, easy to get along with person

but you never seemed to mind

your extroverted ‘i get along and love every person i meet’ personality had won him over the way it won over everyone else

and though the two of you were quiet literally the opposites attract theory, it worked

it worked really well

kaz had his moods

but they never seemed to bring you down

he’d stand in the corner of the crow club

broody and observant

and you would gracefully move through the crowd

and he’d watch as you talked with total strangers

and when you bid them goodbye they would be left smiling, or blushing, sometimes both

he couldn’t deny your affect on people

you made business boom

everyone loved your energy

and when they found of you were kaz’s they would laugh and shake their head in disbelief

you’d come up to him during a busy night and tug at his sleep

“kaz! theres a man over there who sells goats! actual goats! he was telling me all about it, i think we should get one? what do you think? kind of like a mascot, oh wait! maybe we should get a crow instead?”

he’d listen to you ramble and find himself leaning your way

soaking in your warmth

the corners of his lips involuntary tugging upwards the way they always did when you spoke

you’d drag him along occasionally

to meet someone particularly interesting

or meet a surprisingly cute goat named milo

sometimes he’d even enjoy being at your side

he liked how you showed him off like he was something to be proud of you

because you were

proud of him

proud to be his

proud that the two of you could love each other

you’d make the best comments to him throughout the night

whispered into his ear of course

“nina told me this woman actually came here from ravka! saints i’d love to go”

“kaz she is just so pretty! maybe i should dye my hair like that? what do you think? could be fun! oh you should totally do it with me.”

you filled his days in a way he didn’t know was possible

in return he slowed you down

you were sunshine, as the poets might like to say

and you were in constant motion

always trying to be active and helping others

always smiling

sometimes, even at the expense of your own well being and peace

you’d be up early, earlier than even kaz, busying yourself around his room or the slat

and you’d walk up to his bed as he woke up,

and you would be so tired, exhausted even

but you’d smile down at kaz

“can we just lie here for a bit?” he would ask

you’d let out a breath of relief

because he knew

that you were pushing your limits

and you’d lay next to him

fingertips brushing against each other

just for a few minutes

he knew the ways to make you recharge

so your sunshine personality was genuine and not faked

some days were decidedly not so great

kaz’s moods could be turbulent

he never meant to let them affect his attitude towards you

but kaz had suffered through hell, multiple times

and it just took over some days

you could brush certain things of

but then he’d push you away when you attempted to make him smile or calm him down

you’d leave a comforting hand on his shoulder, the way you always did

as he’d recoil

“saints, can you go do anything else” he would growl

or when he really needed to fight he’d yell something along the lines of: “you are not helping! you’re too much right now.”

and you’d flinch at his words

and he would regret them immediately

you’d stick your chin up higher and make your way towards the door

“kaz, i know you’re hurting right now. i’ll give you space, even though i don’t think you really want that. but this is how i am. i am happy. i am comforting. i will not let you make me feel less than for that.”

and you’d slam the door, hurrying to your room so you could breathe

kaz would follow you

his bad mood gone and replaced with deep deep shame

he never meant any of the things he said to you when he got into a mood, never

and you were right, he wanted to you there always

but another part of him pushed and pushed

he’d knock on your door the way he always did after he said something much too cruel for you

you’d open it, with your soft, beautiful, sympathetic smile

“you ready to stop acting so much like a teenager and talk to me?” you would ask, hand on your hip

he would nod and give you an actual smile, just to make up for everything

everything would be good by the end of the night

the air smelling of kaz’s favorite candle and your head on his shoulder as you recounted your day to him

everyone had, fittingly, dubbed you ‘sunshine’

you heard it even more than you heard your name at this point

to kaz, you were still angel

you always would be

but occasionally he’d throw in your most common pet name

like when you came up to him

buzzing with energy

all giggly and glowing

and leave quick kisses all over his face

excited and bubbling with joy and love for him

and he would just be blown away by you once again

how something so undeniably good could exist in this hellish city

he’d grab your face and a smile would tug at his lips

“you are the best part of me, sunshine” he would tell you

and kiss your forehead before walking off

unknowingly, leaving you with more happiness in your chest than usual

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x oc #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker headcanons #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker fic #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker imagine #shadow and bone #six of crows #grishaverse #jesper fahey #six of crows imagine #grisha #nina zenik #leigh bardugo

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lokiondisneyplus · 3 years

Video

'Loki' takes over: Tom Hiddleston on his new TV series and a decade in the MCU

Ten years after Hiddleston first chose chaos in Thor, Marvel’s fan favorite God of Mischief is going even bigger with his time-bending Disney+ show.

Tom Hiddleston is Loki, and he is burdened with glorious purpose: After playing Thor's puckish brother for over a decade in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, no one understands the mercurial Asgardian God of Mischief as well as the actor. He can teach an entire seminar on Loki if given the opportunity — which he actually did during pre-production on his forthcoming Disney+ show. In conversation, Hiddleston quotes lines from his MCU debut, 2011's Thor, almost verbatim, and will playfully correct you if you mistakenly refer to Asgard's Rainbow Bridge as the Bifrost, which is the portal that connects Loki and Thor's homeworld to the Nine Realms, including Midgard, a.k.a. Earth. "Well, the Bifrost technically is the energy that runs through the bridge," he says with a smile. "But nine points to Gryffindor!" And when he shows up to the photo shoot for this very digital cover, he hops on a call with our photo editor to pitch ways the concept could be even more Loki, like incorporating the flourish the trickster does whenever magically conjuring something. The lasting impression is that playing Loki isn't just a paycheck.

"Rather than ownership, it's a sense of responsibility I feel to give my best every time and do the best I can because I feel so grateful to be a part of what Marvel Studios has created," the 40-year-old Brit tells EW over Zoom a few days after the shoot and a week out from Thor's 10th anniversary. "I just want to make sure I've honored that responsibility with the best that I can give and the most care and thought and energy."

After appearing in three Thor movies and three Avengers, Hiddleston is bringing that passion to his first solo Marvel project, Loki, the House of Ideas' third Disney+ series following the sitcom pastiche WandaVision and the topical The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Led by head writer Michael Waldron (Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, Heels), the six-episode drama sees Hiddleston's shapeshifting agent of chaos step out from behind his brother's shadow and into the spotlight for a timey-wimey, sci-fi adventure that aims to get to the bottom of who Loki really is. "I wanted to explore slightly more complex character questions," says Waldron. "It's not just good versus bad. Is anybody all good? Is anybody all bad? What makes a hero, a hero? A villain, a villain?"

Even though Loki — who loves sowing mayhem with his illusion magic and shapeshifting, all with a major chip on his shoulder — has never been one for introspection, the idea of building an entire show around him was a no-brainer for Marvel. When asked why Loki was one of the studio's first Disney+ shows, Marvel president Kevin Feige replies matter-of-factly, "More Hiddleston, more Loki." First introduced as Thor's (Chris Hemsworth) envious brother in Kenneth Branagh's Thor, Loki went full Big Bad in 2012's The Avengers. That film cemented the impish rogue as one of the shared universe's fan favorites, thanks to Hiddleston's ability to make him deliciously villainous yet charismatic and, most importantly, empathetic. The character's popularity is one of the reasons he's managed to avoid death many times.

"He's been around for thousands of years. He had all sorts of adventures," says Feige. "Wanting to fill in the blanks and see much more of Loki's story [was] the initial desire [for the series]."

The Loki we meet on the show is not the one who fought the Avengers in 2012 and evolved into an antihero in Thor: The Dark World and Thor: Ragnarok before meeting his demise at the hands of the mad titan Thanos (Josh Brolin) in 2018's Avengers: Infinity War. Instead, we'll be following a Loki from a branched timeline (a variant, if you will) after he stole the Tesseract following his thwarted New York invasion and escaped S.H.I.E.L.D. custody during the time heist featured in Avengers: Endgame. In other words, this Loki hasn't gone through any sort of redemption arc. He's still the charming yet petulant god who firmly believes he's destined to rule and has never gotten his due.

Premiering June 9, Loki begins with the Time Variance Authority — a bureaucratic organization tasked with safeguarding the proper flow of time — arresting the Loki Variant seen in Endgame because they want his help fixing all of the timeline problems he caused while on the run with the Tesseract. So there will be time travel, and a lot more of it than in Endgame. As Loki makes his way through his own procedural, he'll match wits with new characters including Owen Wilson's Agent Mobius, a brilliant TVA analyst, and Gugu Mbatha-Raw's Judge Renslayer. The question in early episodes is whether Loki will help them or take over.

"One of the things Kevin Feige led on was, 'I think we should find a way of exploring the parts of Loki that are independent of his relationship with Thor,' or see him in a duality or in relationship with others, which I thought was very exciting," says Hiddleston, who also serves as an executive producer on the show. "So the Odinson saga, that trilogy of films, still has its integrity, and we don't have to reopen it and retell it."

Yet, in order to understand where Loki is going, it's important to see where he came from.

Hiddleston can't believe how long he and Loki have been connected. "I've been playing this character for 11 years," he says. "Which is the first time I have said that sentence, I realize, and it [blows] my mind. I don't know what percentage that is exactly of my 40 years of being alive, but it's substantial."

His time as Loki actually goes a bit further back, to 2009 — a year after Robert Downey Jr. big banged the MCU into existence with Iron Man — when he auditioned for Thor. It's no secret that Hiddleston initially went in for the role of the titular God of Thunder, but Feige and director Kenneth Branagh thought his natural charm and flexibility as an actor made him better suited for the movie's damaged antagonist. "Tom gave you an impression that he could be ready for anything, performance-wise," says Branagh, who had previously worked with him on a West End revival of Checkov's Ivanov and the BBC series Wallander. "Tom has a wild imagination, so does Loki. He's got a mischievous sense of humor and he was ready to play. It felt like he had a star personality, but he was a team player."

Hiddleston fully immersed himself in the character. Outside of studying Loki's history in the Marvel Comics, he also researched how Loki and the Trickster God archetype appeared across mythology and different cultures. "He understood that he was already in something special [and] it was a special character in a special part of that early moment in the life of the Marvel universe where [he] also needed to step up in other ways," says Branagh, who was impressed by the emotional depth Hiddleston brought to the part, especially when it came to how isolated Loki felt in the Asgardian royal family.

There was a lot riding on that first Thor feature. For one, no one knew if audiences would immediately latch onto a Shakespearean superhero movie partially set on an alien planet populated by the Norse Gods of legend. Second, it was integral to Feige's plans for the shared universe. Loki was supposed to be the main villain in The Avengers, which would not only mirror how Earth's mightiest heroes joined forces in 1963's Avengers #1 but also give Thor a believable reason for teaming up with Iron Man, Captain America (Chris Evans), and the rest of the capes. Feige first clued Hiddleston into those larger plans when the actor was in L.A. before Thor started shooting.

"I was like, 'Excuse me?' Because he was already three, four steps ahead," says Hiddleston. "That took me a few minutes to process, because I didn't quite realize how it just suddenly had a scope. And being cast as Loki, I realized, was a very significant moment for me in my life, and was going to remain. The creative journey was going to be so exciting."

Hiddleston relished the opportunity to go full villain in Avengers, like in the scene where Loki ordered a crowd to kneel before him outside a German opera house: "It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation," says the Machiavellian god. "The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel."

"I just knew that in the structure of that film, I had to lean into his role as a pure antagonist," Hiddleston recalls. "What I always found curious and complex about the way Loki is written in Avengers, is that his status as an antagonist comes from the same well of not belonging and being marginalized and isolated in the first Thor film. Loki now knows he has no place in Asgard."

Loki did find a place within the audience's hearts, though. Feige was "all in" on Hiddleston as his Loki from the beginning, but even he couldn't predict how much fans would love him. Feige recalls the reaction at the 2013 San Diego Comic-Con: "Did we know that after he was the villain in two movies, he would be bringing thousands of people to their feet in Hall H, in costume, chanting his name? No, that was above and beyond the plan that we were hoping for and dreaming of." It was a dream Feige first got an inkling of a year earlier during the Avengers press tour when a Russian fan slipped past security, snuck into Mark Ruffalo's car, and asked the Hulk actor to give Hiddleston a piece of fan art she created. "That was one of the early signs there was much more happening with this quote-unquote villain."

Despite that popularity, the plan was to kill Loki off in 2013's Thor: The Dark World, but the studio reversed course after test audiences refused to believe he actually died fighting the Dark Elves. Alas, he couldn't out-illusion death forever. After returning in Taika Waititi's colorful and idiosyncratic Thor: Ragnarok, Hiddleston's character perished for real in the opening moments of Infinity War. In typical Loki fashion, before Thanos crushed his windpipe, he delivered a defiant speech that indicated he'd finally made peace with the anger he felt toward his family.

"It felt very, very final, and I thought, 'Okay, that's it. This is Loki's final bow and a conclusive end to the Odinson saga,'" says Hiddleston, who shot that well-earned death scene in 2017.

But, though he didn't know it yet, the actor's MCU story was far from over.

Credit: Charlie Gray for EW

When Hiddleston returned to film two scenes in Avengers: Endgame in 2017, he had no idea where Loki portaled off to after snatching the Tesseract. "Where'd he go? When does he go? How does he get there? These are all questions I remember asking on the day, and then not being given any answers," Hiddleston recalls. To be fair, it's likely the Powers That Be didn't necessarily have answers then. While Feige can't exactly recall when the writers' room for Endgame first devised Loki's escape sequence, he does know that setting up a future show wasn't the primary goal — because a Loki series wasn't on the horizon just yet.

"[That scene] was really more of a wrinkle so that one of the missions that the Avengers went on in Endgame could get screwed up and not go well, which is what required Cap and Tony to go further back in time to the '70s," says Feige. Soon after that, though, former Disney CEO Bob Iger approached Feige about producing content for the studio's forthcoming streaming service. "I think the notion that we had left this hanging loose end with Loki gave us the in for what a Loki series could be. So by the time [Endgame] came out, we did know where it was going."

As for Hiddleston, he didn't find out about the plans for a Loki show until spring 2018, a few weeks before Infinity War hit theaters. "I probably should not have been surprised, but I was," says the actor. "But only because Infinity War had felt so final."

Nevertheless, Hiddleston was excited about returning for his show. He was eager to explore Loki's powers, especially the shapeshifting, and what it meant that this disruptive figure still managed to find a seat beside the gods in mythology. "I love this idea [of] Loki's chaotic energy somehow being something we need. Even though, for all sorts of reasons, you don't know whether you can trust him. You don't know whether he's going to betray you. You don't why he's doing what he's doing," says Hiddleston. "If he's shapeshifting so often, does he even know who he is? And is he even interested in understanding who he is? Underneath all those masks, underneath the charm and the wit, which is kind of a defense anyway, does Loki have an authentic self? Is he introspective enough or brave enough to find out? I think all of those ideas are all in the series — ideas about identity, ideas about self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and the difficulty of it."

“The series will explore Loki's powers in a way they have not yet been explored, which is very, very exciting.”

The thing that truly sold Hiddleston on the show was Marvel's decision to include the Time Variance Authority, a move he describes as "the best idea that anybody had pertaining to the series." Feige and Loki executive producer Stephen Broussard had hoped to find a place for the TVA — an organization that debuted in 1986's Thor #372 and has appeared in She-Hulk and Fantastic Four stories — in the MCU for years, but the right opportunity never presented itself until Loki came along. "Putting Loki into his own procedural series became the eureka moment for the show," says Feige.

The TVA's perspective on time and reality also tied into the themes that Waldron, Loki's head writer, was hoping to explore. "Loki is a character that's always reckoning with his own identity, and the TVA, by virtue of what they do, is uniquely suited to hold up a mirror to Loki and make him really confront who he is and who he was supposed to be," says Waldron. Hiddleston adds: "[That] was very exciting because in the other films, there was always something about Loki that was very controlled. He seemed to know exactly what the cards in his hand were and how he was going to play them…. And Loki versus the TVA is Loki out of control immediately, and in an environment in which he's completely behind the pace, out of his comfort zone, destabilized, and acting out."

To truly dig into who Loki is, the creative team had to learn from the man who knows him best: Hiddleston. "I got him to do a thing called Loki School when we first started," says director Kate Herron. "I asked him to basically talk through his 10 years of the MCU — from costumes to stunts, to emotionally how he felt in each movie. It was fantastic."

Hiddleston got something out of the Loki school, too. Owen Wilson both attended the class and interviewed Hiddleston afterward so that he could better understand Loki, as his character Mobius is supposed to be an expert on him. During their conversation, Wilson pointedly asked Hiddleston what he loved about playing the character.

"And I said, 'I think it's because he has so much range,'" says Hiddleston. "I remember saying this to him: 'On the 88 keys on the piano, he can play the twinkly light keys at the top. He can keep it witty and light, and he's the God of Mischief, but he can also go down to the other side and play the heavy keys. And he can play some really profound chords down there, which are about grief and betrayal and loss and heartbreak and jealousy and pride.'" Hiddleston recalls Wilson being moved by the description: "He said, 'I think I might say that in the show.' And it was such a brilliant insight for me into how open Owen is as an artist and a performer.'"

Owen Wilson as Mobius and Tom Hiddleston as Loki in 'Loki.'| Credit: Chuck Zlotnick/Marvel Studios

Everyone involved is particularly excited for audiences to see Hiddleston and Wilson's on-screen chemistry. "Mobius is not unlike Owen Wilson in that he's sort of nonplussed by the MCU," says Feige. "[Loki] is used to getting a reaction out of people, whether it's his brother or his father, or the other Avengers. He likes to be very flamboyant and theatrical. Mobius doesn't give him the reaction he's looking for. That leads to a very unique relationship that Loki's not used to."

As for the rest of the series, we know that Loki will be jumping around time and reality, but the creative team isn't keen on revealing when and where. "Every episode, we tried to take inspiration from different things," says Waldron, citing Blade Runner's noir aesthetic as one example.

"Part of the fun of the multiverse and playing with time is seeing other versions of characters, and other versions of the titular character in particular," says Feige, who also declined to confirm if Loki ties into Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness and/or other upcoming projects.

Making Loki was especially meaningful to Hiddleston because they shot most of it during the pandemic, in late 2020. "It will remain one of the absolute most intense, most rewarding experiences of my life," he says. "It's a series about time, and the value of time, and what time is worth, and I suppose what the experience of being alive is worth. And I don't quite know yet, and maybe I don't have perspective on it, if all the thinking and the reflecting that we did during the lockdown ended up in the series. But in some way, it must have because everything we make is a snapshot of where we were in our lives at that time."

While it remains to be seen what the future holds for Loki beyond this initial season, Hiddleston isn't preparing to put the character to bed yet. "I'm open to everything," he says. "I have said goodbye to the character. I've said hello to the character. I said goodbye to the character [again]. I've learned not to make assumptions, I suppose. I'm just grateful that I'm still here, and there are still new roads to explore."

#Tom Hiddleston #Loki #Disney+#interview

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shealwaysreads · 3 years

Note

Just dropping in to say I hope you realise how fucking talented you are. Your writing is just beautiful and I am envious and bitter and completely addicted. It should be illegal for you to be such a wonderful person and that fantastic an author ♥️

Hey anon!

First off, I want to thank you for your beautiful compliments on my writing—I put a lot of love into it so it always means the world when someone lets me know they enjoyed it. I pour a lot of precious time and energy into my writing, and everything I’ve created and shared has come from the heart—I write it from myself and for myself primarily, but I share it purposefully and the joy I get from hearing that other people have connected with it really is immense ❤️

But I also want to talk a little bit about the idea that my writing makes you feel envious/bitter—which might have been a completely off-hand comment without any deep intention, but it really caught my attention and gutted me a little bit, because I can empathise with that. I go through phases of feeling like I’ll never be skilled or talented enough to write the way I want to, and it’s become part of my creative process to encounter and then deal with that feeling when I’m in the midst of a project. There was also this post (particularly @pineau-noir’s brilliant addition) circulating on my dash which has provoked a lot of discussion amongst me and my friends, and I wanted to bring a little of that out here, so forgive me for highjacking your ask.

Envy/jealousy is something that all of us feel, at one point or another. Whether it's looking at how many followers/subscribers/kudos a creator has, or the perfect turn of phrase or clever plot device that just makes you wish you’d thought of it! And jealousy is uncomfortable, we all know it’s not a nice emotion, and I think part of what makes it difficult to process is that it can feel like something that we need to keep secret. It isn’t a pretty emotion to feel, even less to admit to publicly, so it’s an emotion that can fester if left unchecked. It’s when this happens that resentment/bitterness can set in, and once those feelings get their feet under the table it’s hard to get rid of them and find your equilibrium again.

But if we accept that we probably all feel envy at some stage, then perhaps we can be a little kinder to ourselves and each other about it instead of letting it become something that settles into a stone around our feet that stops us from taking joy in our own work and in the work that other people share with us. We can accept that an emotional response (feeling like we’re not as good, or as experienced, or just plain less-than) is a natural thing, but we can also acknowledge that our first initial emotional response isn’t the be-all and end-all—we can choose how we express and respond to that instinctual kick of emotion.

We’re in the position to cultivate a sense of self-awareness and catch ourselves when we feel that envy creeping in, and we can challenge it, and manage it. Sometimes that’s going to mean taking a break, sometimes it’s venting to a friend, sometimes it’s actually facing ourselves down and recognising that the negative self-talk is coming from inside and we need to rewrite that narrative for ourselves.

For me it’s about looking at what I love about someone else’s creativity and appreciating it—it’s a gift they’ve given, and focusing on the pleasure I can take in their talent and skills, and remembering that they probably feel like I do when they see their own favourite creator means that I can tune in and remember that we’re all in the same boat, and there’s a lot of comfort in that.

Making fandom friends is something that makes a huge difference—when you can look at someone you love, creating work that you love, it becomes easy and habitual to take joy in their victories, and then you can look at every other fandom creator in that way. Because fandom is a community; to survive it needs all of us to participate. It needs every writer, and every artist. It needs every podficcer, every reccer and beta-reader, every gif-maker, every graphic maker, and every editor. It needs every fanvid creator, and every reader, commenter, and enthusiastic tumblr-tagger. It’s a community that lives and breathes on creation, interpretation, re-interpretation, celebration, sharing, the interlinked inspiration of headcanons and tropes and subversion and elevation of every iteration on character and plot.

Fandom exists because we’re all here. Including you.

I’ve got some links here, of posts that helped me and inspired me, including the tag I use on my blog to collect all the quotes and advice that keep me on track with remembering that my writing is mine, and it’s okay, and it’s worth creating.

Writing advice

@ruinsplume’s beautiful advice here

This art

Advice on competition

#bella talks #the writing life #writing advice #the fandom life

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hotforhandman · 3 years

Text

So there are some things I want to get off my chest that I’ve been mulling over for a while. I don’t expect this post to get much engagement, but on the off chance anyone’s wondering what I’ve been up to, I wanted to voice some thoughts.

I feel like this fandom and this blog are past their zenith. I’m not going to abandon it, but I just wanted to say that. I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s the BNHA fandom or if it’s tumblr as a whole, but for over a year now the level of engagement on both my stuff and stuff I reblog from others has been falling at a fairly consistent rate. For reblogging stuff and making the occasional comment on the goings on of the manga and anime, that’s not really a problem, but my content creation has almost ground to a halt.

I know this is something that hundreds if not thousands of creators have stated, and people are probably sick of hearing it, but creativity thrives on conversation. At the peak of this blog’s popularity, I was answering asks, writing short stories, publishing both RP content and my own content regularly, and riding the high of being part of a thriving fandom. Now when I post original content I’m lucky to get five notes, and two or three sentence comments get far more engagement than anything I put effort into. Same goes for my patreon, which I’ve always been running in the hopes that even five percent of the love I got on Death Row or any of my other stories would come of something, but it never got much attention, and though I have offered content perks before I find little incentive to create more exclusive content because I feel like no one sees it, so hours of my effort are wasted on nothing.

I’m still keeping up with BNHA. I’m still reading the manga and watching the anime (and lamenting that we haven’t heard from Shiggy since AFO all but confirmed his goal was to possess him completely), but my passion for it is dying because I have no one to talk about it with anymore. Creating content for it feels more like a chore than a joy, and I can’t bring myself to put in the many weekly hours’ worth of effort it takes to maintain a constant publishing schedule when I get nothing in return. It’s work with no reward, which is why I’ve been neglecting it in favour of projects that are actually fun to me.

At the moment, most of my creative energy is going into producing DND content. My passion is in a couple of OCs I created for DND campaigns that I have been both writing and drawing content for, but I haven’t shared it anywhere because posting content to zero interaction is far more demoralising than keeping it just for me.

Once upon a time, I dedicated every second of my free time to this fandom and this blog, because I loved it. I loved interacting with you guys, I loved creating content, I loved bouncing ideas off of people and watching people’s reactions. Now it feels like I’m calling into an empty wasteland and waiting for an answer that will never come.

Thank you to everyone who’s still keeping up with my content, rest assured that I still see your names pop up in my inbox and I treasure every comment you leave, but my motivation is running on fumes. I don’t want to disappoint any of you, but that’s where I’m at.

Again, I have no plans to shut anything down. I fully expect all this to just peter out until it’s finally completely dead. Maybe we will have a revival, but I doubt it. On the off chance that you read all of this and you still have that passion and love for this fandom, please consider engaging more, maybe we can bring some of the life back to this part of the internet.

Thanks guys.

Jay x

#my hero academia #boku no hero academia #mha #bnha

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melissa-s23 · 4 years

Text

Private lesson

Sumarry: Janus try to decieve himself into a timeline where he can save his friends. He does not expect reality to offer him an opportunity to prove himself.

Word count: 3127

Characters: Janus Sanders, King creativity Sanders

Warnings: Sword fighting?? Idk please tell me if you think something else should be added here.

Author’s note: MY FIRST ONESHOT EVER COMPLETED! Yes! And the honor goes to @rondoel ‘s King!AU! ( @kingcreativityau ) :D Now: are the characters OOC in this? Most probably. Do I really care about it? Only a tiny bit. I only started to post Sanders Sides content here recently, but I’ve been a fan of the series for a few months now so I had time to read a lot of fic... however I’m still not sure on what I got wrong so if you have any criticism, positive or negative, please let me know! Lastly, this was at first supposed to be an animatic (on the song called ‘This is war’) but I have NO TIME to draw and lot of time to write so enjoy! When I do get time, I might try to animate a certain part of it that I don’t think I nailed that well in the fic. Anyway, I’ve been rambling for long enough. ENJOY!!!

-----------------------------------

Janus stood there, in the empty training room. Since King's return, he felt very conflicted, and he hated himself for it.

The king was merciless, he cursed Patton to make him look like a toddler, he removed Logan's vocal cords, he cursed Virgil into torturing himself into deadly downward spirals, and...

And he was very spiteful, he was angry... because he'd betrayed him.

Janus clenged his fist. He couldn't help but remember the look of betray and rage that his King gave him when he discovered his team-up with Logan. Those orange eyes that could burn him down on the spot. Those oh so intense eyes... Damn it, he was back at it again. This is over now. His king was gone. Now it was the King. The tyrant. The side who hurt his friends.

He was standing in the empty room, looking at his reflection by the mural mirror. His now half-half face looked so tired. Was he really this tired ? He was probably very very tired... but he'll rest later, as the memory of his most recent wound was still fresh in his head, replaying this utter humiliation, he just couldn’t sleep. Anger soon filled him up.

He could have tried to stop him. He could have tried to save his friends, and instead he just... froze. He just let it happen like he couldn't do anything. And he knew how to fight ! He knew how to defent himself for crying out loud ! He could've done something, and instead... Nothing ! He recalled the scene, bit by bit. How Logan stood at his left, how virgil was just behind, how the king was looming over them, despite being 10 feet away from them. He remembered every movement, every word, and every second of that moment like it was written in his metaphysical blood.

And in a second, it was like he was dragged back to this hell again.

And he would not let it happen a second time.

He summoned his cane and raised it up at the memory of King. His mind wandered off now. He had to imagine how he would've react. Would he summon his sword or take full creative control to just trap him ? He wanted to think he had a chance, so he chose the sword scenario.

And just like that, the imaginary fight was on. Step forward. Left. Right. Dodge. Go protect them. Put up a fight. He would have rushed toward the tyrant and aimed for the head, the sword would've get in the way and he could uses the top of his cane to project himself back to the group. Go. Dodge. Pare. Block and Dodge and Move fast and Dodge again and Block and pare and send it back. The world was spinning around him and the fight got more and more intense. He may have his eyes closed, but he knew perfectly where he was in the room, and he was completely in his daydream. Left and Right and Block again and Forward and Left and Block and backward and spin and swing the cane for it to stop only an inch away from the face of his enemy. He would have been a threat, and he would have been able to save his friends from the King.

He didn't expect, however, to be met with the actual King in front of him when he opened his eyes.

Janus' eyes widened and he immediately cursed himself for backing up. Great. He was all about putting up a fight and a second later, he was cowering. ‘Talk about blowing smokes.’ He at the very least kept his glare from fading away. He couldn't be scared of him. He couldn't show it. He was simply surprised... He had to make that a challenge for him, Deceit was not a side you could see right through, after all.

« You seem to have a quite... Interesting dancing style » King spoke, an almost mocking grin showing as he looked down at Janus. Crap. Did he knew ? Was he there the whole time ?

As the tyrant lift his hand, Janus snaps back into reality, setting his guard up and putting a stronger grasp on his cane. Only for the object to sudenly float in the air, shining with bright light and transforms into a sword that Janus grabbed back before it falls on the floor. This left only more confusion in the half-snake, confusion which turns into alert when he lifts his gaze back at the King only to be met with another blade. He jumps back.

« W... What ? » Janus was lost.

« Wouldn't you try and learn an acutal fighting technique ... » King's voice was composed, but also slightly amused at Deceit's confusion.

«... instead of the poor travesty I just witnessed ? » until it all vanished in favor of annoyance.

Janus tried to process the words as King switched his position for a dueling one. His sword in front of him, his torso on the side and his feet dug on the ground. Was he.... what ? What was happening ?? One thing sure was that he invited Janus to mirror his behaviour. And so he did, taking a deep breath, and standing still while carrying his sword to cross the others. And before he figured out what to do next, King took three blows and sent Janus' sword flying through the air and crashing on the ground.

« Whoa wHoa WHOA ! Hold on ! » Janus lifted his hands in defense and gulped as the blade of his enemy got dangerously close to his throat.

He then heard a chuckle, and the blade finally got away from his neck. « It was just too tempting. » He snapped his finger and the sword flew right back to Janus' hand, who was still confused.

« Alright, for real this time, I let you give the first blow. »

Janus hesitated, still not sure if the scene before him was really happening, but quickly composed himself. He came back to mirroring King's posture and came with a serious expression. He quickly analysed how he could start and how he could win the fastest. When he assumed to find a way to win quickly, he lifts his sword up and went for it.

Boy, was his assumption wrong.

He thought he'd move faster, but the moment the sword swingged on the left, King's weapon caught him off guard, and it only took two quick slays for Janus' to fly in the air again. He felt baffled and humiliated. And the amused smile from his opponent didn't boost his ego at the moment.

« How ? » He didn't understand. Even his instincts weren't nearly as fast as the King, and the tyrant didn't get the chance to train in years !

He only got an arrogant giggle in response before the sword flew back to Deceit's hand. Janus frowned deeper and dug his feet in the ground, ready to jump. King did not miss, nor cared for deceit's threat.

« Again. » He simply ordered. He only had to move his arm to be back to his initial position. Was there a point to it ? Or did his tyrant just liked to put him through this childish show of superiority ?

For some reason, Janus obeyed.

And lost.

Again.

« Try again. » the King ordered.

The other obliged.

After the 4th time the sword flew back into the yellow side, he had to face it : This was happening. King was training him to sword fight. And he just... accepted it ??? What ?? How was this happening ? Usually, he would try to bite back, make some remark, try to hurt him, but here he just... went along with it. And King seemed pleased with that. He looked...content. He looked satisfied with giving Janus private lesson. This moment... against all odds... felt... not as bad as he expected.

The more they fought, the less cold the tyrant was, and the less tense they both get. King stopped trying to bring him to his knees and instead looked like he a professor, excited to give his student something to work on.

Of course, he would never admit it, but in this instant, in this moment of intimacy and challenge devoted from any animosity... It was calming, it was like a fresh wind coming after a heat wave of chaos, and the adrenaline that came from the fight was giving him enough energy to savour every second of it.

Wait.

No.

No no no no no.

He wasn't enjoying it. He wasn't enjoying it at all. He could not appreciate what was happening : the sadistic bastard was bellitling him and humiliating him right now ! And worst part is ? He couldn't even do anything about it ! Because King is so freacking good at sword fighting and Janus' main weapon has been turnd into a sword for crying out loud. There was no time to lust over past relationship !

And another game lost.

« I told you to pay attention to what was happening high up. Looking at my chest is not going to do much if you want to predict where or when I'm going to hit next. I thought you'd know that. »

« I was simply lost in another train of thought, I hope you could forg- »

DON'T.

FINISH

THIS WORD.

'You be submissive, god dammnit.' He thought to himself before clearing his throat and returning to his cunning voice. He had to keep his distance.

« I don't need you to tell me that. I was simply lost in thought. Do you really I am this much of an idiot ? »

« Well, you didn't prove me otherwise yet so. » He chuckled low and got ready for yet another one. « En garde. »

Even though he couldn't hide the joy he was feeling at the moment, he could mask it behind his usual calm appearance.

« And how many times are we going to do this ? » He asked, his tone playing between teasing and bored

«Until you get some actual fighting skills. » King answered, playing along.

« Ouch. I think I prefer the wounds caused by your sword. »

« Well then hurry up and grab your weapon. » Damn it. Why did they seem to get along of all sudden ?

« As you wish. This was merely a warm up. » he lied

« I do not doubt it any second. »

And just like that, the conversation became non-verbal again.

…

Truth be told, neither knew how long they've been fighting. Was it an hour ? Three hours ? 20 minutes ?

Truth be told, neither cared.

All janus knew is that he was getting better and better, almost becoming a challenge to the King , and the other side seemed glad to step up and fight with more intensity.

And both completely forgot to hide their excitement.

Janus started to tease king, even when he was clearly losing, and the other responded with as much sarcasm and complicity. The two glared at each other with malice and playfulness the whole time. And both couldn't help but smile.

And just like that, it felt as if they never left each other.

When he was younger, Janus and his king would play around with wooden swords, roleplaying like two ennemy seeking vengence in the most childish way. Janus sometimes would fake losing so he could see his king's proud smile which was worth losing 10 times again. His king would sometimes lose and janus would feel a feeling of acomplishment that was very strange to him, in a pleasant way. And at the end, they would most of the time lay down on the green grass and just talk about everything and anything.

And right now, he felt like he was playing with his king. Only the swords weren't made of wood anymore, and it was more professional. But still, it felt the same.

And it felt ...pleasant.

He could hear himself laugh just like when he was younger, and if he listened closely, he could feel king chuckle just like his king.

And it felt … nice.

From the talk, to the movement, both were on edge, calculating every move and waiting for an opportinity to strike. It was an amazing strategy game combined with pure raw strenght. And King's fighting style was both very classical and yet creative. He was very crafty and Janus only had to rival with his own tricks. They were in the moment, living fully the present.

And it felt...

And dear lord, it felt so, so good.

He could feel himself fly as he dodged, he could feel fire in his vein when he was about to strike down, he felt his head spinning, yet everything around him was so crystal clear, it was like a dance. A disturbing, aggressive, cold and passionate dance.

A dance...

They used to dance before.

His king and himself.

Most of the time, when they were done fighting, they would lay down on the grass. Most of the time.

Sometimes, he could have the biggest honor of all.

'Now, my dear, would you enjoy a waltz with me ?' his king offered his hand

-'I don't want to step on your foot again'

-'I told you you didn't hurt me ! Come now, it's not your job to be scared.'

despite his defensive approach, he adored those dances.

-'Alright, I'll dance with you. '

How did it go again ?

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3.

Left, right, right, wait no, was it left again ?

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3

step up, forward, step back, and one turn and another. His king would have his hand on Janus' shoulder and Janus would have his hand on his king's waist. And they would dance, and the music filled the air, and his king would have made a room just for them to dance.

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3

Turn around, then left then back up.

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3

Then caught in their trance

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3

They would just spin around, and turn and spin and spin again and everything was spinning around them and they could only see each other and the whole world was spinning and it was just them. Just the two of them.

And they would smile and they would laugh and everything was still spinning around them and it was blissfull, passionate, affectionnate and in they would join their hands once more and their finger would interlace and once their hands was only one thing, they would lift it in the air with bravery as a victory for their hapiness.

And he would lift his hand in the air, with his king.

And they would lift their hands, hold together, in the air.

And they would yell a victory choir.

King's sword fell on the ground.

And he had his hand on King's chest.

Oh lord, he was too close to King.

Their faces were only two inches apart.

And Janus visibly forgot how to breath.

King was staring with wide eyes, clearly not expecting Janus to send his sword flying nor getting this close. None of them dared move an inch, and none of them could breath.

What... what just happened ?

How could Janus get so caught up in his dreams that he erased whatever was happening in front of him ? And how did this stupid dance from years ago helped him beat the King to his game ? And how could he, despite everything, try to search for his king's eyes in the tyrant that stood in front of him ?

Right now, the King's red and green eyes were flickering into orange glimps and his look was just tearing Janus up from the inside. He looked ready to cut his throat open if he had his sword in hand.

And yet …

For only a moment, only for a single instant, did Janus find his King shining through the side in front of him.

Sadly, this bloom inside of Janus' heart got cut fast as thorns grapped him and pulled him far away from his The King, and before he realized what was happening, the thons just gripped tighter and tighter, making Janus unable to hide the jolt of pain.

He struggled, trying to get away from the grasp, but they only tightened and eventually, he stopped, gasping for air. He tried to look back at the tyrant, who was simply observing with a serious expression, the joy of the past moments seemingly dissapeared the moment Janus got too close. And now, he was back to being a threat. Without looking away, he move forward, with slow steps. Janus tried to manage a sentence but the pain was too high for him to form anthing coherent. Eventually, The King was in front of Janus, and the yellow side swore he was about to get killed right on the spot, but instead he just kneeled down, grapping back the sword that flew away.

Oh.

He got up and, with the other hand, brushed over the blade. Without looking away from it, he spoke : « You fought well. » He lift his eyes to meet Janus, struggling not to faint, and determined to look at him with rage. The corner of his lips twiched into the smallest of smirk and he turned back, opening the gap between the two.

And as the King took his steps, Janus' eyes widened, realizing what King was about to do.

'No.'

'No. Not again.'

'Don't leave. '

'Please'

'Don't leave me again. '

He turned into a snake to got away from the thorns and rushed towards him, ready to grip his cape. Anything. Anything but that. He was so close...

But the thorns got Janus back before he could make it.

He couldn't even hear his own grunts of pain. All he could listen to was the sound of footsteps, and a windblow that made King dissapear. Janus froze in place.

And the silence that grew in the room was deafening.

After what felt like an enernity, the thorns let go of Janus, who simply fell on his knees shaking. He hugged himself as hard as he could, and curled on himself.

He tried to fight back tears that wouldn't stop to threaten to fall.

And none of them ever left his eyes. Just like no wound ever left his heart.

------------------------- WHOOOOOO What a ride! This was really fun to write and the challenge of putting words on the visuals your head come up with is certainly something. Now, I hope you didn’t expect things for them to get better just like that, huh? ;) There is too much they need to discuss before being close to make peace, so that’ll have to wait! I have other ideas for those two so I’ll see if I get motivated to write it out. Hope you liked it!! :D

#Sanders sides #fanfic #janus sanders #king creativity #Kingceit #fanfiction #King!AU #rondoel #swordfight #The begining of Janus being a pinning disaster with a lot of emotional bagage #probably OOC #not a happy ending #Janus being a nostalgic little man #and King being conflicting as always #most probably screaming internally at the dramatic disaster in front of him #It's not easy being the king of a himbo's brain

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