#and for the master of the house. his antidepressants | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

briamichellewrites · 1 month

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2002. Two years. That was how long Phoenix and Jason had been together. Their relationship started as friends with benefits before they both had to admit they were falling in love with each other. Mike teased him for dating his little brother. For the first time, he was truly and genuinely happy. He was sober and in a very healthy relationship. They were taking their relationship seriously and were spending almost all of their free time together.

Jason understood the commitment he had with the band. He wasn’t jealous about him being gone. When they argued, they came together and talked things through. A year ago, his therapist adjusted his antidepressants to a lower dose because he was doing so well. He officially moved out of Brad’s apartment and into his own house.

Everyone was so extremely proud of him for maintaining his sobriety, though they still understood that he would someday slip up again. It was part of his addiction. Brad and Rob were talking about getting engaged. Rob, as much as he didn’t plan on ever having children, was willing to reconsider. He could sacrifice his free time to change diapers, lose sleep, and everything else that came with being a father. It was what Brad wanted. They talked about having three children.

That was their compromise. Mike and Bria had decided not to ruin things by dating. They still hooked up every once in a while. She was extremely beautiful at twenty-one years old. He took her out to dinner for her birthday. Even though she didn’t plan on drinking, she did it just because it was her twenty-first birthday. They continued drinking when they got back to his house.

He then helped her through her hangover the following day. He and Joe had moved out into separate houses. They still included him in what they were doing. He truly appreciated that even though he lost video game time. The band was working on their second album. It would be like Hybrid Theory, but better! Bria had released her first single, Coming Together about the attacks of September eleventh. She wanted an anthem for the country to hear.

During an interview, she was asked about her experience with the tragedy. She had been in New York when it happened.

“I don’t have hatred towards anyone. Right now, we as a country are scared but we can’t let our fears turn into hate. Muslims and people of Middle Eastern descent were not part of the attacks. I was talking to a couple of my friends whose grandparents were forced to relocate after Pearl Harbor. Just because they were Japanese Americans. We can’t let that happen again. We can’t fight fear with violence. That’s what my song is about. We’re all Americans and we’re all going through this together.”

Mike and Jason agreed. Their father’s family had gone through a lot of racism and they could only imagine what people of Middle Eastern descent were experiencing. She was right. They couldn’t let fear justify violence. Her song was very well received by critics and the media. They couldn’t wait to hear her second album.

It followed the same formula as before. She worked with Robert ‘Mutt’ Lange as a producer after he was recommended by Céline. They kept in contact. Whenever she and Rene were in town, she invited them over. It took two years before she could move into her dream house. Jason helped her go through what she wanted. Every little detail was meticulously planned. He also helped her hire building contractors. They picked a spot of land near the beach.

It was also far enough away that they didn’t have to worry about mudslides. She also had a heated barn that she was using for storage. The house was amazing! It had four bedrooms and two bathrooms; an indoor heated saltwater swimming pool, a recording studio, a theater room, a dog wash room, intercoms in every room, and a showroom walk-in closet in the master bedroom.

She even had his and her closets; and a jacuzzi-style bathtub. The detached heated garage was big enough for four cars and a two-bedroom, one-bathroom guest house. She also had coyote-proof fencing around her house, so she could let her dogs out by themselves. It cost millions of dollars but it was worth it! She loved coming home to it! Rosita had come to her house with the news that she and her husband were going back to Mexico.

They had a sick family member they needed to care for. She understood and thanked her for being part of her life. Could she do anything for her family? No, thank you. She would send her a letter in the mail, so she could write to her. I would love that. Before they left, she treated them and their children by taking them out to dinner.

She refused to let them pay because she wanted to spoil them. Gracias. It was hard to have them leave because they had been a part of her family since she was a child. Yes, Rob made the joke about her having to do housework herself. Fuck you. He and the band laughed. They had been to her house several times. She added twelve month old ruby colored Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named, Missy. Buddy took to her like an older brother. They and Woody did almost everything together.

That included going outside for exercise and to use the bathroom; playing, sleeping, and eating. It was hard to keep track of how old everyone was, so she wrote down their ages on a whiteboard.

“Woody is four, Buddy is two and Missy is twelve months.”

“But do they all get along”, Rob asked.

“Surprisingly, yes. They have the occasional moment where they annoy each other but that’s to be expected.”

Buddy and Missy followed them into the studio because they were curious about what they were doing. Bark! Brad picked them up and put them on the swivel chair. There. Now they can see everything! They looked at the humans with their tongues out in happiness. Where was the cat? They had no idea. He was likely taking a nap. They didn’t understand the cat. He was a different animal than them. They didn’t go to the bathroom in a box or clean themselves with their tongues.

Woody came in looking for them. There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! Bark! Missy said hello to him. Brad picked him up. Meow. He put him with his brother and sister. There. Now they were back together. Bria looked over at them. They were her four-legged children. Woody used her paw to wash her face. There. Now he was nice and clean.

Bria played the song she worked on with Jon and David Bryan. It was called Secrets, though it could always be changed. They listened to it. It was a soft rock song that told the story of her finding out who she was as a woman. He and David wrote the lyrics while she recorded the guitar and piano. The song was great! She moved it into the file of songs to be considered for her next album. Since her album was already mixed and ready to be released, it was too late to include it.

That was fine. They could include it next time. Missy whined because she had to go to the bathroom. Bria excused them. She hopped down. Did Buddy have to go potty? No, he didn’t. Missy ran to the door and pawed at it until she opened it. She looked out to make sure she came back. After finding a spot in the yard, she did her business before coming back in. Good girl! She smiled with her tongue out.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

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rulanarinrush · 4 months

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hu/david fic. This a post ch2 au in which Hu snaps.

Sorry that words are censored, tumbIr shadowbans me otherwise. Fic below the cut due to sensitive content

Content warnings:

suic1de attempt mentions(Hu's secret?)

depression mention

child abus3

intrusive thoughts

+other disturbing themes

ao3 link . If you enjoy, leave a kudo on ao3 rather than tumblr. thanks!

When she thinks back to that day, a vioIent cutting sensation cuts through her– a bit like swallowing glass. Hu swallows. That’s not a new one.

That kind of thought, she means. She’s never been good at that kind of thing. Eloquence. No matter what was expected of her, she always somehow fell short– mathematics, English, painting, speaking; her paltry reward was always those damn tangerines, sour, as if having been plucked before the sweet tender sensation of life could set in, stinging her raw fingers, split and cut open from those strings, those goddamn strings, she played and plucked and wanted to shred those strings, take that wire that same one Nico used and wrap it around *** neck–

She swallows. No glass in there. Recovery would only set her back a couple of weeks. It is fine.

Hu can still care about David.

Like her grandmother taught her. Three quick, successive raps on the door. Be a lady. Stand still. Don’t buzz like a fly, for you are a butterfly. You are graceful.

You are forgiving.

No response. That’s to be expected. He’s useless, that darling.

(What is she, her mother? Goodness.)

But that’s alright. She takes a deep breath, calming herself. He could be a pathetic boy, like a puppy, his fingers lacerated and amputated down to the knuckles from her wires, stunted little dog paws, unable to perform without those wild hand gestures, as if it could distract from the evil inside him, and she would still love him.

He would never pull one over her again.

“MonoTV?” Hu calls out.

Speaking of dogs. Say the devil’s name and he will appear. “That’s me! Yes, indeed. Is there a particular reason such a lovely lady calls me?”

“Is it true that for the right amount of MonoCoins, you will perform any favor?”

***

The third time she woke up to walls of white and pastel turquoise, she thought,

This is really getting quite tiresome, isn’t it?

She never got the same nurse any of the times she’d been admitted. And each time, they gracefully ignored any of her attempts to talk.

Listen to me. Please.

(Encore! Encore! Play again, twenty-five times, fifty times a day, until you master the song, one-hundred songs, play your despair away.)

It was easier for them the third time. No need to pretend you can’t hear her if she can’t speak.

The night before she was discharged, she dreams.

(A recurring dream– she is on stage. There are silken strands dangling from her limbs. Everyone else. The house matriarch watches from the balcony, flanked by Hu’s mother and father. There is a peach in her hands, ripe to the point of obscenity. The venue is at maximum capacity. And everyone’s eyes are on her. On her fingers. There is a stone lodged in her throat and she can’t get it out. The first note. Her strings go taut, then snap. The peach falls, rolls to her feet. Its juices spill out, yellow at first, then black, then lucky vermillion, 红包, Hu thinks. Her older sister, helpless on her knees. She cuts herself picking up the strings. It cuts her fingers like glass. Hu opens her mouth so her sister can deposit the shards in her mouth. “Help me,” her sister gurgles. And Hu tries to say something, but her jaw is locked open.)

They gave her some antidepressants the following morning. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and all that.

***

Hu flicks the light switch on. She hears a groan under the covers, and for goodness sake, it’s nearly eleven in the morning! She’s well aware it has only been sixteen hours since the last execution, but it’s like grandma said, you can’t sit there and feel sorry for yourself, the day is wasting away with you!

It’s okay. Hu can feel sorry for him in his own place.

He shifts for a bit, and Hu watches as the reality of the situation sets in for David. “What the fuck?” he groans. He’s not as panicked as he should be. That’s good. She remembers being like that, accepting death whenever it would come. “How’d you get in here?”

“I paid MonoTV, darling.”

He groans again. She moves closer to his bedside. There are thick, dark circles under his eyes. Poor thing. She remembers being worried sick until she couldn’t sleep. The zither player can understand.

(My family has a history of depression.)

Yes, not a lie. A liar, certainly. But still, someone she could love. Someone she once could have trusted.

Oh well. After her secret was outed, he can probably put the pieces together.

“Are you here to kilI me?” David asks. He won’t look her in the eyes. That’s no good.

“No,” Hu answers simply. She runs her fingers through his dark, rich locks much like hers, watches as he shivers. “Shhh. I’m not here to hurt you.”

“Bullshit,” he spits out. “There’s no reason to break into someone’s fucking room if you didn’t intend to hurt me.”

“I suppose it could be interpreted as harm if your mind is set on it being so.”

He laughs, a low rumble. Is that contempt in his voice? That’s rich, coming from him. At least her intentions are pure.

He stops suddenly. “Get it over with.” She nods. He’s being good. Punctual, and to the point. Her grandma would yell, over and over again, because she was a foolish child, she just wouldn’t get it.

Hu hasn’t played nurse in a while. She remembers hating them. Funny how things worked.

“I can’t forgive you, but I really do care about all of us, even you. I mean that.”

She pulls the plastic bag with the pills out of her pocket. David’s eyes slowly widen. “Holy shit. You’re crazy.”

“It wouldn’t solve anything if I hurt you. That’s not how you or I learn anything. Now sit up, darling. It wouldn’t do for you to choke.”

“That’s a controlled substance. You really think this won’t hurt me?” He’s a little wild around the eyes now. Hu wonders if that’s what she looked like back then, de4d while still being alive as she was. “I regret ever telling you anything.”

“I’m giving you the regular dose, not fifty.” She lifts his bird-boned body up with ease using one hand, her hand balled up in his shirt. Doesn’t let go. “Calm down.”

“I’ve never been prescribed anything. MonoTv has one hell of an idea of dark secrets, if he thinks that was your secret.” He could scream. They’d hear him. She wonders if he’s too prideful. But they would understand. He needs help, and no one wants to help him right now. It’s just like Ace. She can take care of everyone. It’s her responsibility. “What if I have an adverse reaction? Forget hurting me, you’ll be execut3d.”

No mention of his own de4th at all. Ah, just like her!

“Are you allergic to anything?”

The inspirational speaker opens his mouth. He’s one second too slow.

“There you go.” Her other hand crushes the antidepressants into fine dust. De4d things, dreams. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” Hu confesses mournfully. “I really thought you’d be more cooperative, so I didn’t bring a glass of water with me…

“Open up.”

(Shards of glass, them both.)

“Fucking twisted.” He closes his eyes. Accepts de4th. “Fucking twisted, that’s what you are. This isn’t going to fix anything. You should know better than anyone that you can’t cure depression. The best this’ll do is keep me loopy for a few hours– your idea of saving people is so–”

“Avoiding a problem doesn’t make it go away.” His form goes rigid.

“Don’t I know,” Hu murmurs. “Don’t I know.”

She pushes the dust in his mouth. He gags on her long fingers, coated in medication. Hu kisses his reflexive tears gently. His skin is baby soft. Her mother would love that kind of thing. There was always something wrong with Hu.

That was such a risk. He could have bitten her fingers off. What would Hu be worth then?

Hu sniffs. Everything smells like tannins these days. Even his room. Better that than the smell of acetone, though. She’s grateful.

“When I said I couldn’t forgive you, I meant that. I’m sorry, what you’ve done is reprehensible.” Hu swallows. Glass shards, both of them. Wires laced around their necks. “But I do want to help you. I really, really do.”

ao3 link

#danganronpa despair time #drdt #huvid #hu jing #david chiem #r.rush fic archive

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cinnamonest · 2 years

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How would the yans respond to darling's mental health getting so bad it affects their physical health?

OOOH I like this concept! Our boys are so dysfunctional, I love them. I mostly went with the idea that darling essentially gets sickly and weak and stops eating out of depression, so this could also serve as simply what they'd do if darling becomes despondent and so depressed they enter the "hollow shell" state. Here I did... basically the worst to have lol, but some decent ones too. Some darlings would lean towards anxiety issues, some towards depressive issues.

//depression and anxiety, hunger strikes/refusal to eat, cruelty/some abusive stuff, captivity, one mention of past mutilation, yandere tendencies/themes, mentions of some specific health problems such as ulcers or heart issues, one very brief mention of preventing risk of self-harm, I don't *think* this has gendered mentions in it but I may have accidentally overlooked an implication of a fem darling, some wealth shaming

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Diluc would actually put a lot of effort in. He hates the way you've been acting, so apathetic and quiet, now you're starting to look emaciated and you're tired all the time... he tries on his own at first, trying to soften his voice and humble himself a bit, asks if you want anything or if there's anything that will cheer you up... but you just shrug. At first, he's a little bit hurt by it all, but he realizes his angry tendencies are likely a part of the problem, so he keeps himself from getting upset. Instead he hires a professional, the best his workers can find, and of course pays him off to... overlook the general circumstances. They're married, you know, just not... on paper. The doctor is thus a little bit limited, as he can't just tell him to let the poor thing go, so... he prescribes more sunlight, more affection, some anti depressants, and maybe just maybe, after an interview with darling, says the master of the house might have some... slight... anger problems? In fact, his darling is likely to develop a particular problem... your heart. You get racing heartrate, terrible anxiety for no reason, you just always feel like you've done something wrong and he's going to get mad. Your heart rate is racing, the doctor tells him, you're so anxious all the time.

To be honest, it makes him feel terrible. He beats himself up about it, he knows it's his fault, he really does, he'll just have to try harder. He starts biting his tongue when he catches himself raising his voice, sees the way you shrink back and stops, collects himself, apologizes. The antidepressants seem to work a little bit, and he takes you outside a lot now, takes you for a walk, even... fine, he'll take food outside, you can have a picnic out in the fields or something, as ridiculous as he thinks such a thing is. In fact, he'll become a lot more compromising on various things... okay, fine, fine, you can have some alcohol if you want... some. He still says it's bad for you, so not a lot. You want to stay up late... fine, he'll do that with you. Anything to make you happy.

But you, you're still so unappreciative. Hmph. He does so much, and here you keep whining about wanting to have friends and see your family... the family is a no-go, so as a last resort... he tries getting the maids to actually bond with you. Like, they were already polite and helpful, but now he just picks the most outgoing and bright-spirited ones and tells each that her job is to be friends with you for a couple hours a day. Bond with you. That will provide you with the interaction you need, since apparently himself alone isn't good enough for you... a fact which still hurts his feelings a lil bit.

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Venti is just... sad honestly. He's one of the ones that tries the hardest to maintain your happiness to begin with, probably one of if not the most concerned of all our boys with your happiness. He doesn't even imprison you! And yet, you're so sad about your friends having cut you off for unknown reasons, and how people seem to avoid you, you've retreated inside your home and won't come out... and when he goes to check on you, his smile drops and the devastation shows on his face at seeing how sickly and malnourished you look. You shake your head, mumble that you don't need any help, you're fine.

He hates being rude, but... he has to insist. Puts his foot in the door when you try to close it. You turn back, his head is tilted for a moment so you don't see his face, but... when he comes back up, he's smiling again. Forced and twitchy, but smiling.

See, he thinks that it will just make you worse if his concern shows on his face, and he believes the best aid for depression is positivity! So that means he has to do his best to remain a light in your life, yeah? He basically pretends nothing is wrong. Brings you food, plays his lyre, sings you songs about happy things and love and sunshine. Gives you hugs if you'll allow it, drags you outside to get some sun, takes you to all his favorite places that make him happiest in hopes it will cheer you up too.

But with time... he breaks. If it's not working, eventually he just can't keep up the happy act anymore. His lip trembles and his eyes water and he just tells you he just wants you to be happy again... please? He basically resorts to begging and pleading. Just... why can't he make you happy by himself? What's so great about the friends you lost? Why isn't he enough?

However, after the storm comes the quiet, right? Well, no, in his case its a worse storm. This is one of the few things that can bother him so much he actually becomes genuinely angry, a rather shocking shift in character that is exceedingly rare in him. It's somewhat a defense mechanism, he feels so hurt by it that he lashes out, but eventually he just clenches his jaw and wipes his eyes and glares. Repeats himself -- why isn't he enough? After everything he's done to make you like him? He's tried so hard! If you can't appreciate that, fine. He'll just stop trying. Eventually, if you want to be happy, you have to make that decision yourself, it's a choice at this point, he says. But don't think he's going to just let you starve to death or sleep all day. Even if you don't want to, you'll come out in the sun to be with him... spend time with him, let him play for you, every day... regardless of whether or not you choose to enjoy it.

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Xingqiu is similar to Diluc in that he arranges as much help as available, with his rich-people resources. Well, first he tries to fix it himself, and as per usual, he sees money as the solution to his problems. You seem down... here, why don't you two go out... he'll buy you whatever you want! Buys you expensive clothes, jewelry, food, everything he can think of... but you still won't eat, and you look sickly. As per usual, he maintains his sweet, genial demeanor up until the point he's really not getting his way, and then things go downhill, he gets upset about it, and that's never a good thing.

He tells Father something is wrong with you, you're... malfunctioning. And it's bothersome. Can't he arrange something...? His father helps, of course, hires a private psychiatrist similar to what Diluc does. This psychiatrist is... a little less honest than the other one, though, given the pure prestige of the family. Well, ah, he says... the subject is just... having trouble adjusting. Insecure about fitting into a powerful family, your nerves are simply so on edge that it's making you sick. He gives a bunch of things that are supposed to help, ranging from herbal teas to powerful medicine. Perhaps, he suggests, you'd be more comfortable if you were given familiar things from home, food and clothing and such. Maybe your stomach isn't accustomed to high-grade and rare foods, you're more accustomed to simple things.

Begrudgingly, he obliges. It's not suitable for your status, and he has to talk his father into it, but if it helps, he'll have the servants learn how to make commoner dishes you'd probably be more familiar with. You can wear some of your... old clothes... the ones he didn't get rid of for being too plain and embarrassingly cheap. Actually, when properly appreciated, the plainness and simplicity is sort of endearing... matches your simple little brain. He reads out loud to you, letting you lay on his chest, gets entertainers to put on all sorts of amusement for you. He gets irritated if it's not working, the superiority complex kicks in out of hurt. He's giving you things you would never hope to obtain before, and yet you act so unhappy. Maybe you want to be unhappy. Maybe he's just... yes, that's it. He hasn't been giving you attention, so you're acting out in hopes of receiving more. It all makes sense now. He just has to spend more time with you. He'll have to wait for the results of this new course of action.

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Kaeya would be awful in this situation, he gets frustrated by it. As always, he's got some arrogance going on and thus is deluded about himself and thinks he's such a great caretaker... he's been so good to you! He never hurts you (unless you deserve it) and he loves you (so say it back) and he's so easy to get along with as long as you never express defiance, recognize that he's always right, and do whatever he wants! And this is how you repay that kindness?

In fact, he becomes convinced that this is just another one of your tricks. You're trying to guilt him. You're such a brat, always trying to get your way, that now you're pouting. You're just being stubborn, trying to make him feel bad when he hasn't done anything wrong. Going on a hunger strike as part of your perpetual childishness. It's nothing serious, you don't actually feel sick like you say you do, and you're not really laying in bed all day, you probably jump back to normal when he's at work, you just act tired as part of this effort to make him feel bad. So at first, he just sighs, tells you that, well, when you decide you want to be mature about the matter, just let him know and he'll get you some food, but until then he's not gonna bother giving you stuff you just won't eat. Gods, you are so ungrateful for that fact that he's reacting to this mini-tantrum so well.

...But you don't give in. Okay, maybe you're just sick. He rationalizes it to himself by thinking that it's not that your mood is affecting your physical health, it's that you have some sickness, and it's affecting your mood. You're only acting so depressed because you're sick. Of course, he's not going to take you outside, no, but he can get you over the counter medicine for everything he can think of. If that doesn't work, well, he can just... get worse. How would you like it if he was actually mean? Ignored you? Was cold to you? Maybe then you'll appreciate him. Yes... if he does that, soon you'll drop your little act and beg for him to go back to being nice to you. Appreciate him more. And he'll do so, with only minimal dramatism -- what did we learn? Right, to be appreciative. Yeah... that'll work.

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Xiao's darling becomes depressed rather fast, given how dark and depressing the room he keeps you in is, how bored you are with literally nothing to do. He's also pretty bad about it, not due to arrogance like Kaeya, but rather, he just... doesn't know what to do. He doesn't even know what's going on with you. However, this is especially bad for him, because he in particular literally uses darling as an antidepressant for himself. His ray of sunshine is going dim, not eating, sleeping all the time, feeling sick, your skin is even starting to look dull... he's confused and afraid and doesn't know what to do. He tries the only thing he knows how to do at first -- give you physical affection. Hold you close and squeeze you tight and just stay like that. He doesn't know what kind of words to say, so this is more or less the only thing he can think of.

...That seems to maybe work a little... but you're still not like you used to be. He doesn't want to take you outside... he can adjust the abode to get you more sunlight. Still, the one thing he won't compromise on... no going outside. He shakes his head adamantly, no. He can't... if you go back outside even for a moment, you'll hate him again... you'll look at him with that malice and disgust you did the first few days you were here, and that nearly crushed him the first time... if you go outside, you'll remember other people you like more than him... you'll really, really hate him... he can't let that happen. He tries to not get mad at anything, even though these days you don't really do anything that makes him mad in the first place. He tries to talk it out... he's very straightforward. Why are you so sad? But you just shrug, or worse, you tell him the same as always, you want to go home. It hurts... you can't be happy with him...? Still, there has to be another way. He can't let that happen. You were starting to get accustomed to him, you acted like you really loved him, he can't risk losing that.

Eventually, he ends up begrudgingly going to other sources. Ganyu, Cloud Retainer, Verr, Zhongli even. They don't offer much in the way of help, since they are smart enough to realize the problem likely won't be resolved unless he allows your freedom... but he tries their other suggestions. Brings you flowers from the mountaintops. More books and things to do. Lets you have unbound hands so you can write or draw or whatever craft you want to do, he'll bring you things.

And he keeps up the embraces, because it's just... the only thing he can think of. The only other thing he really knows how to do. He thinks about what makes him happy, and your hugs are one of his favorite things in the world, so maybe, even though he knows he's not the ray of sunshine you are, maybe he can provide some happiness that way too. He can just stay like that for hours, arms wrapped around you, face nuzzled into the crook of your neck. Just... get better... or else he doesn't know what else to do.

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Razor is even worse than Xiao in the "doesn't know what to do" department. Wolves don't experience such things. He has no idea what's happening to you, why your body is getting thinner and your eyes are so sunken in and dull, but he notices those things, even if he can't articulate it. And he understands what 'sad' is. When he's sad... the lupical cheer him up in some ways... so he does the same. Nuzzles you, cuddles you, takes naps in the sun with you, grabs you and takes walks in the woods -- even if he has to carry you. If all else fails, licks a few stripes up your face, even though you seemed to not like that in the past.

Maybe you are sick. He's got a pretty good immune system and doesn't get sick much, but when he does, it's more like colds. He has heard there are a bunch of sicknesses out there in the world that a person can get. Maybe this is a sickness he doesn't know about. But... he doesn't wanna take you anywhere... he knows people probably are looking for you already... so he instead goes himself. Wanders over to Mondstadt city limits and begins stopping random people and asking them if there's a... what's the word... doctor. Once directed there, he just kinda barges in and begins explaining that his mate is sick. Explains everything wrong with you. A doctor should be able to fix the problem, he knows, one time when he had a cold, the knights gave him horrible-tasting liquid, but it made him feel better.

This one doesn't seem to understand, says he has an idea that you may need... he says some big, long word... but says can't prescribe anything without seeing you, he tells him. Well, he can't have that... but Mondstadt is a rather safe place, and people don't lock much up. So, he just... comes back at night... sure enough, the pharmacy -- the big door where he saw all the bottles behind the doctor as he thinks of it -- is unlocked. He can't read, so he just grabs one of everything. He tries repeating the long word over and over in his head, and by the time he gets back to you, he tells you the one you're supposed to look for. Yes, that one, that's the one. Do you just... swallow it all at once? He's not sure. He'll let you figure that part out.

If the human medicine doesn't work, he's left sort of stumped. Maybe... maybe he'll cook all your food from now on... he was trying to get you adjusted to eating raw meat sometimes, since cooking it can be a hassle. And... he'll do some of those things you want that he normally pouts about, like taking a bath when you tell him to (although he still doesn't see a point in doing so every day! Once a week should be okay), or stealing clothes for you to wear. Our boy terrorizes the poor Springvale residents' clotheslines. Yes, that will work... he hopes.

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Gorou actually has a unique response, one that's more instinctive than consciously done. The instincts kick in, and the only rational explanation his brain can come up with is injury. Dog brain doesn't understand "sickness" very well, so it substitutes the best it can and comes up with that. And consequently, without meaning to, he becomes defensive. It's a difficult thing to explain, and it drives him up the wall himself, but he's stuck between human brain telling him you're depressed and need help, and dog brain that keeps saying someone has hurt you. But the latter tends to dictate his subconscious behaviors, thus, despite normally being a yandere that allows you to interact with others, he gets worse than he already was.

He essentially seals you into your room, acting like a guard dog and patrolling the outside. Aggressive towards anyone who comes near. Coming in every half an hour or so to check on you, nuzzle your face and cuddle you and try to get you to feel better... the thing is, now you're completely deprived of sunlight and social interaction even when you weren't before, so you can only get worse. He gets you food and brings it back every day, but you don't eat any. His brain can't understand. The human reason in him says he needs to get someone else to help. But the dog instinct says absolutely no one can come near his mate, it's not safe, they already hurt you once. You have to heal first.

He won't leave his post, either, no matter how much people try to pull him away. Eventually, someone has to intervene, for the good of you both. And again, his human brain gets that, he's glad even, but all he can do is sort of whimper when they hold him back, while someone else goes to check on you... he'll be devastated if they take you away completely, though. They try at first, tell him it's for both your sakes that he be kept away from you. It hurts, he gets mad, and it gets worse when the separation anxiety sets in. Dogs get really, really bad separation anxiety. He just... becomes despondent. Sits on the ground with his knees up to his chest outside your door, ears flattened to his head, burying his face in his arms. Completely unresponsive, now he's the one who won't eat, won't speak. He can't handle being away from you. It's... actually a pathetic display, even the higher-ranks of the resistance are shocked to see him in such a state.

It hurts even more when he sees that you've improved when you're away from him... but he's determined... he can do better. Give him another chance... he won't make you sick this time... promise. And unfortunately, given that he's a key part of their success, the other soldiers more or less force you to stay with him. If they don't, who knows how long it will take him to go back to normal? So you're basically put back into the same situation, albeit with someone watching over you this time to hopefully prevent the same thing from happening again.

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Albedo thinks he can cure you himself. He approaches it logically, and he's not surprised. In fact, he predicted this was a possibility, and has already thought of multiple potential solutions to your issues, such as lethargy and loss of appetite. Firstly, adequate sun exposure, balanced diet, the ability to express your emotions. He'll give you pencils and paper to draw or write with for that purpose, or, he tells you, you can just vent to him about your feelings. Either is acceptable. Oh, and exercise. If you've already... had your mobility permanently limited, as he's prone to do with any darling, he will get you exercise anyway, physical therapy essentially, helping you stretch all your muscles.

Of course, he acts like he's very knowledgeable and highly capable on the matter... in truth he has zero medical qualifications, he's just been reading a textbook on psychology when you're taking your naps. He just... likes feeling capable. Helpful. Superior, the provider that cares for your needs and does so perfectly... and in contrast, one of the things that gets under his skin the most is when he feels like there's something he's incapable of, that he's failing at something. So if you don't start getting better, it starts to bother him.

But he refuses to accept it. He's not doing anything wrong, just... give it some time. Maybe it's the cold. Maybe he can find a way to hide you away back in the Favonius boarding areas, where he has a private room in Mondstadt, rather than up on Dragonspine. Maybe he should get you little things that will make you happy. He buys sweets a lot, he'll give you some too. If you don't like that, maybe gifts. Flowers. Clothes. He'll try everything. Well, everything except help from others. In the end, he will just keep trying his own methods, even resorting to IVs and force feeding if that's what it takes to keep you alive while he gets a solution.

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Scaramouche's darling leans towards the anxiety side of things, although there's certainly depression as well. He has a similar attitude as Kaeya, except it's less of a delusion of his own kindness and more of a defense mechanism thing out of frustration and not knowing how to handle it. Still, he's been good to you! You've had literally the best life imaginable! Like a flower that has been given all the sunlight and water it needs, yet it still wilts... losing both its beauty and its purpose. He doesn't ever really say so, but he does like you smiling, he's come to be more fond of it over time... and he doesn't mind you crying, afraid, or anything like that. But that neutral face, where you just stare out into space, don't react to anything, numb and hollow, when you shake your head and won't speak, cowering and refusing to eat, anxious eyes darting all around, unable to sleep... it makes him seethe inside, even if he doesn't show it too much. That face makes you look gross. And he says so, in hopes that you'll take the insult to heart and change. But you don't seem to care.

In the end, he's probably one of the worst because he goes through two stages. Firstly, the way that usually gets him what he wants... cruelty. Similarly to Kaeya, he thinks that if he just ignores you, feigns apathy towards you, acts coldly towards you and diminishes your depression by sighing and calling it an act, you'll drop it and come crawling back, apologizing and going back to normal and resuming eating. But you don't... in fact, you're clutching at your stomach, like you're in pain. Similar to Diluc's darling with heartrate issues, poor darling here develops a specific health concern: stomach ulcers from all the anxiety. The doctor he reluctantly calls to look at you tells him so. Stress and anxiety, he tells him, caused it, and they're pretty far progressed, meaning you've had them a while.

He's in a bit of disbelief at first. Anxiety? Stress? How could you possibly have any of those things? He's made your life so easy. You literally do nothing but follow him around all day and sit by his side or on his lap in meetings. Of course, poor doctor shrugs and stutters a bit, not wanting to point out the very obvious cause of said stress. Doctor just prescribes something for the ulcers, along with some tranquilizing medicine, and takes his leave. Afterwards, though, Scara gets kind of irritable, asks why you let it get this bad, you could have just told him your stomach hurt. You say you didn't want to make him mad, and you thought he... wouldn't help. It's upsetting -- he realizes he's maybe not the most patient or outwardly affectionate person in the world, but he's never done anything that should make you think he wouldn't take care of your needs. You're probably just being stubborn, you let it get so bad out of spite.

And then, you really screw up. What remains of your defiant spirit acts up just enough to grumble that it's his fault anyway. And that irritates him. He doesn't blow up or anything, just glares, seethes silently. So in the end, he basically makes the problem worse, because that one interaction makes him so bitter, he holds a grudge over it. Since you want to hide things, then, you'll just have to start seeing a doctor regularly. Since he's so awful to be around, maybe you won't have a lot of stress when you're locked in a room by yourself for a while. Thus, stage two: after outright meanness, he tries... basically neglect. Isolated, tied up, of course, can't have you hurting yourself. For hours and hours and hours on end. Maybe you'll change your tune, decide that 'stress' is worth it in comparison, and come crawling back like he wanted you to in the first place. He can deal with the medical issues as they come. ...To be honest, he hopes he only has to do it once... he’s kinda come to depend on you... he doesn’t like it when you’re not there.

But most importantly, he's one of the most stubborn about his own ways, refusing to see himself as the problem -- the only person that needs to change the way they do things is you. His attitude is, quite literally, that it's your fault for letting yourself get the ulcers, letting yourself be anxious, and you need to learn how to be less anxious. Deep down, he knows he's the problem, but he's never going to admit that to himself or anyone else, and he's certainly not going to really modify his behavior.

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But perhaps no one completely despises the depressive state more than Childe. Honestly, he hates you being depressive in general, even if it's not severe. He hates it. More than anything. Happy? How cute. Angry? Even cuter. Hot too, and fun. Crying and sad and blubbering about something? Adorable, especially if it's something he can fix for you. But this? He's clueless on what to do. It's like he's poking you with a stick like 'come on... do something' and you just lay there. It makes him mad. Genuinely angry. He starts off smiley, pulling the aw, what's wrong? in that saccharine, mocking tone. You've been so boring lately. C'mon. He tries making you happy. Got you a gift. Come on, go take a walk with him. Talk to him. Just do something. You're getting so sickly and malnourished... he'll get you your favorite food! Besides, he's had plenty of experience getting his siblings in a better mood, he's rather good at it, so he does the same things. It's a little childish in approach, since that's what he's used to, babytalk sort of voice about how if you just eat this for him, he'll do whatever you want, yeah? Come on. Be good.

Okay. That isn't working. Maybe you need the opposite. He tries making you angry. He's... rather good at being annoying. It's his specialty. He knows how to push your buttons, make you irritated. Yet, you just shove him away at most, or maybe even just barely acknowledge him at all. He's just trying to get you to snap, get that one glare and snarl after annoying you to your breaking point, and then, he thinks, your whole spirit will come back. But he can't get you to that point, no matter how hard he tries. You just go to sleep, sleep for hours and hours, don't eat, you're lethargic and tired, you forget things all the time, you say you don't feel good.

Finally, he ends up being the one to kind of snap. What's the matter with you? He asks the question through gritted teeth in a wide smile, that sort of grin that isn't even trying to hide how fake it is. Come on. You're being annoying, you know. Are you trying to piss him off? Because you're doing a really good job. If being sweet or annoying isn't working, how would you like him to be mean? He hates doing that, he doesn't want to be mean to you, so why are you making him do that? Is that what you want? Hm? You want me to hurt you? He raises his voice in a way you've never heard before, and to be honest, even for a despondent darling, it's enough to make you afraid. It's not what he would prefer, but he sees the light come back to your eyes as they widen in fear and you lean back, some emotion comes back to your voice as you stutter and say he's scaring you.

...See? You do have emotion left. That's enough to calm him down at least a little bit. He decides to take advantage of the moment before it fades, keeps going. See, isn't it better when you work with him to be happy? Isn't that better, don't you like it when he's happy and you're happy? So, get up, eat something, go outside with him. He'll work with you to get better, because he loves you. Unless you want him to get mad again.

#also i apologize for my absence we had a storm here and I've been out of power for a few days :')#I typed half of this from the starbucks i went to to charge my phone lmao #now i have power but no internet so I'm making do with mobile data #yandere genshin impact #lena's asks #scheduled post

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feralaot · 3 years

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If all the characters lived together in one house who would be roommates and what weird dynamics would they all have with each other?

this turned out pretty long so if you want a part 2 just ask

AOT but oh my god they were roommates

mentions of drugs and alcohol

modern

alright, where to begin... jean wanted his own room but connie literally BEGGED him to be roommates because connie has always wanted bunkbeds with someone. so, naturally, jean and connie are roommates that have bunkbeds, and connie is the top bunk.

sasha and eren both snore noticeably loud so eren has to sleep in the basement and sasha sleeps on the couch. unfortunately zeke also sleeps in the basement so he has to deal with that and is usually the first one in the house to wake up because of it so he usually drinks before bed to sleep a little heavier. pieck sleeps on the couch opposite to sasha but she’s a heavy sleeper so the snoring doesn’t bother her

at first, mikasa was roommates with eren and armin (before eren was evicted to the basement) and annie was roommates with reiner and bertholdt. however eren and armin always stayed up playing video games really loudly and reiner and bertholdt weren’t discreet whatsoever so mikasa and annie ended up becoming roommates with each other

hange straight up sleeps in the garage. nobody’s car is allowed in the garage because that’s where hange has their “workshop” with all their tools, in-progress experiments, work stations, and their cot. don’t worry they love it in there because they can be as messy as possible without levi complaining. levi sleeps in the attic with his cat

other than armin, porco is the only one with a room to himself because literally everybody pisses him off if he’s around them for more than a few hours. he is referred to as “the wicked bitch” by others in the house and his room is small but quiet so he’s cool with it

jean and connie’s room is right next to armin’s and they smoke weed like every other day so the smell is always wafting right into armin’s room. in rebuttal, armin plays music really loudly because it drives them crazy. eventually they started smoking outside to avoid the wrath of lana del ray afterwards

reiner and zeke are ALWAYS getting into arguments over dumb shit and they make it everybody else’s problem. bertholdt and eren have been dragged into several discussions about whether pluto is a planet, if tomatoes are fruits or vegetables, who the fuck drank the rest of the milk, etc

eren and zeke are the only cishets in a house full of lgbts so if anyone visits it’s kind of odd to them that there’s like 6 different pride flags in the house even though the technical owners are cishets

the warriors all share a master bathroom so naturally a lot of their meds are in the same cabinet and pieck spent a lot of time separating and labeling them with different colors so she doesn’t accidentally take one of reiner’s antidepressants again while looking for benadryl

reiner and bertholdt’s room looks as if you took both of their styles and just mashed them together. the nirvana poster and the david bowie poster are right next to each other. they have two huge bookcases, one full of books and the other full of video games. believe it or not, the books are reiner’s and the games are bert’s. they’re both nerds but in different fonts

the house pets include a ball python, a gecko, a budgie, and a tarantula, belonging to armin, porco, historia, and eren, respectively. there’s also a few cats that just kind of exist and everybody respects them as members of the “family”

sometimes eren walks around the house with his tarantula sitting on his head and it makes armin SCREECH because even though she’s docile he hates spiders. however eren hates snakes and is scared of armin’s ball python so I guess it’s fair

annie and mikasa customize furbies together so they have a bunch of furby cryptids in their room that they sometimes leave around the house for shits and giggles. one time reiner opened the fridge only to find a furby with barbie arms and legs and he screamed

they all take turns grocery shopping and jean, connie, and sasha absolutely dread when it’s historia’s turn to get the groceries because she always makes them eat healthy stuff and doesn’t buy junk food

ymir is one of the biggest alcoholics in the house so sometimes sasha and pieck have to find somewhere else to sleep because occasionally when ymir gets drunk she pushes the couches together and sprawls out across them to sleep

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violet-heaven · 3 years

Text

Alright my first post after my hiatus and we’re starting things off with a bang! Time for Ace to unnecessarily analyse House md because this stupid show refuses to fucking leave my mind

So we know that House is AB+ and Wilson is O- which means they’re direct opposites. That’s another point for the soulmate bingo, the wiki literally fucking says that they’re two sides of a coin. It also mentions how House is a recipient and Wilson is a donor; pretty consistent with their canon personalities and how Wilson needs someone to need him while House needs something, especially in the comfort department

What does it say in addition to that? Their rhesus antigens are the opposites of what we see their canon personalities as. House is AB positive while Wilson is O negative. But if House is the cynical, acerbic, negative moon to Wilson’s bright, optimistic and positive sun, why is it switched for the two of them?

Because of what we see in the show.

Wilson has a lot on his plate, just as much as House does. He’s been divorced three times, his only lasting relationship has been with House, and he’s been on antidepressants, which is in the canon universe. Sure he denied it, but as viewers it’s clear to us that Wilson is not always as kind and sweet as he’s portrayed. In season one he consistently got House to take cases by “subtly” persuading him and the very first episode shows how Wilson successfully got House to take Rebecca Adler’s case by lying to him.

House on the other hand isn’t always the antihero either. He cares in his own way and as the show continues and we see his character more, we start to realise how his insane solutions have good intentions behind them. In Broken (season 6 episode 1), he tried to help Steve, the Freedom Master, by taking him to an amusement park and going on a ride that stimulates a parachute fall. While it does lead to Steve jumping off a second floor parking deck, the intentions behind House’s actions were good and he clearly tried to help.

Despite everything House says and does, he thinks optimistically in order to solve his cases. If he wouldn’t insist on every patient having a life that can be saved by even the most insane methods, he wouldn’t be able to solve half the cases that he did. House doesn’t allow the thought of someone being impossible to save.

The puzzles are so interesting because he finds a way to solve them, through means that seem far fetched and that requires a positive outlook. Wilson is equally positive but it’s his canonical personality that leads him to be so. His character is the direct opposite of House’s in every way, so if House can be positive, why can’t Wilson be negative? Not to say that they’re positive or negative all the time, just that their internal personalities differ from their canonical ones. They are, simply put, deeper than what they’re shown to be.

And that could be a reason as to why House is AB+ and Wilson is O- which would otherwise contradict what we have seen from the show

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

#house md #hilson #i have no idea why i came up with this shit #but ive been thinking about this for a while #way too long in fact #can we take a moment to appreciate how deep this fucking soulmate connection goes????#truly the best ship in the series #anyway if i get anything wrong feel free to yell at me

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witchcraft-in-wonderland · 4 years

Text

Carnival of Carelessness (Pt.1)

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The carnival was a place of many things. During the day it was a place of joy, mystery, laughter, amazement, terror. But at night it was a place of solitude, a place that most wouldn't dare come near. No one knew why, except for the people inside.

One of these was Virgil Whitlock, a boy in his twenties, who had no intentions of telling anyone just how much he knew about what happened when the carnival lights went out. Of course it wasn't from a lack of trying, oh no there'd been plenty of close calls, but he could never seem to remember anything that happened to him or anyone he met the day prior. He never questioned it, and more often than not no one knew enough about him to ask, so of course he was perfectly fine.

So here he was sitting at his booth before the show started, giving out fortunes neither he, nor anyone he have them to, really believed. But this was his livelihood, give out fortunes before the show, spin on fancy ropes and hoops during, and go right back to fortunes when its over. Fairly simple, just how he liked things to be.

"Show starts in thirty minutes!" Virgil flinched as the Ring Master's voice sounded from the speakers. He was loud enough without them, in Virgil's opinion he didnt even need a microphone.

Virgil stood up and closed down his booth, walking in through the back of the tent and into the dressing room. As he reapplied his makeup for the show, he ignored the whispers from the other performers. He'd been here since he was a child, he wasnt about to let them tarnish his opinion of himself.

Once he finished his makeup he sat on a ring covered in purple and black fabric, using the rope in front of himself to pull it up. He looked down at the crowd, a sort of sad smile across his face. He caught the Ring Master's eyes on him and gave a small wave before handing the rope off to one of the assistants.

This was Virgil's true element, soaring over the audience, watching the awed faces of the children as he let the ropes fall, yet somehow stayed above ground. It was bliss, no men barking orders at him, or whispering things in his ear that made his stomach turn. Just open air and music, just Virgil and his dance.

But a performance always has to end, and so Virgil swung himself back onto his hoop, using the same rope as before to lower himself back to the ground. Almost as soon as his feet made contact with it again he felt a sense of dread wash back over him.

"You were wonderful Virgil," the Ring Master said, ruffling Virgil's hair.

"Thank you, sir," Virgil said simply, smoothing down his skirts.

Now it was back to fortunes and ignoring other people.

"Hey! Are you the fortune teller dude?" Virgil looked up to see a man with a pale face and a mustache. His eyes were so red it was like they'd been spotted with blood.

"That's me," Virgil said simply.

"Can you do my fortune?" He said, sitting down.

"For five bucks yeah," Virgil said with a smirk, the man across from him laughed and handed him some money. Virgil searched his expression and demeanor for something he could use.

"You've got a lot of trouble in your future, lots of enemies," he said.

"Yeah that's pretty obvious," said the boy with the mustache.

"A very nice love life it seems, though," Virgil said, raising one eyebrow. The man stared at him for a few seconds before smiling.

"But that all depends on your decisions, most would say to accept the death your enemies might bring you, but destiny is more like a river, and it splits into different lakes of fate based on your decisions," Virgil replied.

"Smart advice," said the man.

"I'm Remus by the way," he said with a grin.

"Virgil," Virgil said, clearly unamused. He watched Remus leave his seat and walk back into the fray of carnival-goers.

Virgil hadn't expected to see Renus again, but apparently he'd misjudged him. For later that night as Virgil was walking back to the Ring Master's house, there he was, accompanied by a slightly shorter boy with sunglasses and a leather jacket on.

"Hey! You're not supposed to be here!" Virgil marched up to the pair of them, well aware that both were over a foot taller than him.

The shorter of the two placed a pair of styrofoam grapes back in a bowl. "Oh- really? I didnt see any sign, did you Remus?" He said, turning to the other.

"Cant say I did Remy, cant say I did," Remus said with a grin.

Virgil clenched his fists "How about the employee's only sign right above where you're standing?" He said, pointing to it. The two looked up and shrugged.

"I dont see what the problem is, we're just having a little fun," Remus said.

"Beat it before I call the boss." Virgil said, snarling slightly.

"Oh come on we're not causing any trouble," Remy said.

Virgil sighed "Look, I'm not supposed to talk to customers outside of work hours unless I'm getting paid to, so beat it before I get caught." He said. The two boys exchanged worried glances before finally leaving. Virgil continued on to the Ring Master's cabin.

"Virgil! I was getting worried!" He said when Virgil finally opened the door.

"Sorry for the wait Mr. Drew, got caught up with something," Virgil said as he sat at the table across from Drew.

"Its no trouble, now take your pills, wouldnt want you getting uncomfortable during a show now would we?" Mr. Drew said, sliding a glass of water and a few different colored and shaped pills towards him. Virgil counted out his birth control, anxiety medication, and antidepressants, as well as one last pinkish colored one that Mr. Drew had him mix into the water before he took any of the others.

He went to bed that night feeling relaxed as usual, and woke up the next day feeling just as refreshed.

Virgil sat at his booth as usual, then a tall man in a coat and and hat approached him, sliding a picture over to him.

"Have you seen either of these men? Their names are Remy and Remus, I've been sent to apprehend them," said the man.

"Who are you?" Virgil replied, not looking at the photo.

"Janus Forge," the man replied, tipping his hat. Virgil eyed him for a second before looking at the photo of the man with a mustache and the boy with glasses.

"Never seen them in my life," Virgil said in a tired voice.

"Are you alright? You seem exhausted," Janus said, a concerned look on his face.

"I'm fine, I've never seen the men in this photo and I've never heard those names," Virgil said.

He hadnt done the show today, he was much to tired for it, so instead he sat at his booth. The boy in sunglasses ran up to it, slamming his hands down on the counter.

"Virgil right?" He said.

Virgil froze "How did you know my name." He snarled.

"Remus told me," Remy said, tilting his head.

"I dont know anybody with that name,"

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Tag List:

@nerosdayinhell

@meowthefluffy

@thecolorfulolive

@youtuberswithalex

@spooky-scary-virgil

@misunderstoodshadowling

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saharamae21 · 4 years

Text

All of My Wrongs - Chapter 6

Pairing: Topper x OC and Rafe x OC

Summary: Aurora finds herself enjoying her time getting to know Rafe. She likes spending time with him and forgetting about the world around them. It can never be that simple though. As her day continues on, the darkness that has surrounded her life begins to overwhelm her once again.

Word Count: 2.1K

A/N: I really, really want feedback on this fic. I know only a couple people really like it and I’m debating on whether or not I want to continued to post it. I love this fic, but if it isn’t the content you guys want to see, I change my focus for you guys.

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I cuddled into his arms in the morning, the sunlight blinding my eyes as I flickered them open. Rafe was still fast asleep next to me. Waking up next to him was so different than waking up next to Topper. I yawned, stretching out a little bit before turning my back to the illuminated window. I closed my eyes, feeling Rafe’s arms pull me back towards him. His chest pressed firmly against my back as he began to wake up.

“Morning,” he muttered. I hummed in response, not wanting to wake up just yet. He nestled his face into the crook of my neck, cuddling into me even further. His hot breath against my skin sent shivers down my spine. “I should go.”

The vibrations of his words tickled my skin. I grabbed onto his arms as they loosed around me. I flipped over to face him. His blue eyes stared down at me with a certain glimmer. He tightened his hold on me again.

“Are you going to be okay?” I asked quietly. I looked down and away from his gaze. He was so close to me and I began to feel a bit self conscious of his focused stare. He nodded and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead as if to say, thank you for caring. Everything just seemed to be moving so quickly and I was caught off guard. I looked back up to him and noticed that his stare was different from that first night. His eyes now showed admiration in them and that worried me. I didn’t want to disappoint him.

“I should really go before we get caught,” he said.

“You make it sound like we're doing something scandalous,” I teased. His large hand began to rub circles on the small of my back as he laughed at me. The way he looked at me scared me. He looked completely infatuated with me, but he didn’t know how I disappointed everyone. He didn’t know that I would only show him what he wanted to see until I couldn’t keep the act up anymore.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” he asked. I nodded and gave him a small smile. He smiled back at me before slipping out of bed. I watched as he slipped out undetected and cuddled into my comforter. My bed felt so empty now.

It was crazy that last week I never would’ve considered getting into bed with a boy, but now I’ve just gotten so used to it. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Rafe’s arms around me again, but as I pictured someone, Topper came to mind. His arms around me, holding me like he needed me by his side and the way his eyes looked into mine filled my head. Just the thought sent my heart into a frenzy. I was too tired to push them out of my mind, so I just fell back asleep instead.

“Rory…?” a voice asked as a knock rang through my room. I shot up and let out a yawn. “Rory!”

“What?” I yelled as Skipper continued to knock. He opened my door after my response and looked at me. I stared at his uneasy state and knew immediately what was up. He told me about how mom was in another one of her moods. He let out an annoyed sigh and looked at me to do something. I told him to go outside and find something to do. He didn’t have to witness what was about to go on. He stared at me for a second and nodded. I called out for him to head to the beach and make some friends. I didn’t want him to worry.

After he was gone, I slipped into the master bedroom. My parents room was clean and meticulous. For as long as I could remember, everything in the house was set up to be perfect. The items had a spot and if they weren’t there, it was the end of the world. I opened the draw of the nightstand, but nothing was inside. I knew at that moment that she wasn’t taking her meds. I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I dug around, careful not to take something out of its assigned spot without putting it back exactly how it was. Finally, I found the bottle of antidepressants and walked down the steps, turning the bottle over in my hand.

She knew by the look on my face. She was sitting at the table with a full plate of food in front of her and this expression on her face that I knew all too well. I pulled a chair out at the table and listened to her tell me to go away. I didn’t though.

“Mom,” I said, my eyes pleading with her. I placed the bottle on the table. “You know you have to take them.”

“I’m the mom here!” she said, getting defensive. She slapped the bottle off of the table, causing me to flinch. It was worse than Skip had let on. This wasn’t just a mood, this was one of her extremes. She ran her hands through her hair anxiously and I watched as her left eye twitched ever so slightly. I wonder how long she had avoided taking them. “I’m getting better, I don’t need them!”

“Mom, you don’t just get better. It’s okay to not be okay,” I said calmly. Her eyes stared at me coldly as I tried to comfort her. She went on her usual tangent about how she was fine without them. I watched as the emotions overloaded inside of her. I watched as she allowed them to get the best of her. “Mom, you need to take them.”

“I don’t need them! I was fine until I had you!” she shouted. I felt my heart drop like it always did when she said things like that. I looked down and made myself small. “You and Skipper did this to me! You made me like this…”

I got up, unable to look at her right now. I silently walked over to the bottle lying on the ground and leaned over to pick it up. I stared at the fluoxetine pills in the bottle and closed my hand around it. I listened to her tell me to get out. I listened to her yell at me, but I knew that I was the only one to look after her now. I walked over, not looking at her once.

“Just take them. Please, mom…” I said as I set the bottle on the table again. She screamed at me to get out as tears fell down her face. I bit my lips together and nodded, leaving the bottle next to her. I turned my back on her and walked out, hearing her sigh as I left.

I made my way out to the dock and sat down, hugging my knees to my chest. I thought about how she was doing so well. I wondered if it was my fault. I hadn’t been home much and I had abandoned my home personality for the most part. I closed my eyes and tried to remember which Aurora my mom liked the most.

“Rory, come here,” my dad called. He was holding little Skipper as he knelt down to be on my level. I was too little to pick up on the bad energy that surrounded him. He looked me in the face and told me to be strong. “Mommy isn’t herself right now and we have to be patient with her. You can do that right?”

I remember nodding as he smiled at me. He stared lovingly at me and told me that I was his little girl. I didn’t understand how serious the situation was, but mom was never the same after that. She began to get irritable and lashed out at us. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.

The weeks after Skipper was born were the worst. She cried all the time. Everytime I brought Skipper over to her, she yelled at me. She would scream at me to get away from her and to not bring Skip anywhere near her. She would tell me that she didn’t want me near her…

As time passed, things got a little better. About a year after Skip was born, she started to seem back to normal. She lashed out less, but she still went into these states of silence. She would sit and stare at the wall with this glossed over look on her face. Dad would comfort her, but she never let me close. It wouldn’t be normal again until I begin to change. Everytime she would fall into these “moods” I would adapt to what she wanted. I would change myself to be what she needed at that moment because I couldn’t cope with a mom who didn’t want anything to do with me.

I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as I snapped out of my daydream. I heard my name being called from a ways away and stood up, hugging myself. I wiped my tears out of my eyes quickly and turned to see Topper looking for me. He walked over in a state of panic.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked. My body language was much different as I faked a smile. I had made myself smaller and my arms tightly hugged my torso in an attempt to comfort myself. I wondered if he would notice a change, but he didn’t.

“I fucked up,” he muttered. I tried to push my own problems away in order to help him with his, but they lingered in the back of my mind. I listened to him tell me that he went over to Sarah’s house in order to confess his love for her. I listened to the desperation in his voice. I sat there following along in his story. “I-I was angry and I lashed out. I said things and called her things that I didn’t mean.” I bit my lips together, realizing that nothing I had said to him that night had gotten through to him. He was still pining for Sarah Cameron even though she clearly didn’t want him back. “She cheated on me,” he muttered. I could see all of his broken pieces. “She cheated on me with a pogue of all people. What does he have that I don’t?”

“Topper,” I said, grabbing his wrists to get his attention. His eyes looked down into mine and they looked the same as that night. “This isn’t what you're going to want to hear, but it’s what you need to hear. If she doesn’t see your true value, then she isn’t worth it. You’re amazing, Topper. You should have to change yourself to feel love, it should just come naturally.”

Everything I was saying to him applied to him. He was amazing and I didn’t want to watch him camouflage the way I did in order to please people who didn’t care about him. I sighed and looked down, breaking all contact between us.

“Stop blaming yourself and stop selling yourself short,” I said, staring at the wood beneath my feet. “You’re so much more than you can even see.”

“Aurora…” he mumbled. He stared down at me as I avoided his gaze. I could feel his eyes on me, but I was too overwhelmed with emotion to meet them. I just wanted him to realize that he was more than what he gave himself credit for. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” I said. I told him that he should go take his mind off it. He nodded and went on his way, looking back a few times at me as he left. I wondered if he noticed that I was sad. I wondered why he didn’t ask me if I was okay. Maybe he just didn’t notice or maybe he just didn’t care.

I sat back down on the dock and watched the water ripple beneath me. The crystal clear water reflected an image of myself. The girl painted on the water looked scared and helpless. She was lost and trapped underneath the waves. She looked like she was drowning. Much like my reflection in the mirror, something dark loomed around her. It wasn’t a ghost this time, it was this black fog. It surrounded her and weighed me down, not allowing her to get out of the water. It was killing her slowly.

“You okay, kiddo?” my dad’s voice rang out. I looked at him as he sat down next to me. He gave me a comforting smile as he examined my troubled look. “It isn’t your fault, Rory. She’s just not healthy. It isn’t yours or Skip’s fault.” “I know,” I said. I told him that, but I didn’t believe it. I was the reason she was like this. My birth triggered it all. She became sad after my birth. I disappointed her and I’ve kept disappointing her my entire life...

_________________________________________

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slytherinknowitall · 3 years

Text

Potion Fumes and Cauldron Leaks

Chapter 17: Falling For The Underdog

(Click here for chapter 16!)

(Click here to start from the beginning!)

Disclaimer: I don’t own the “Harry Potter” book series. The story of “Harry Potter” is the property of J. K. Rowling, it is not my intellectual property. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.

The following weekend, Severus found himself in a situation that he would have never thought possible – he spent the entire day with a woman.

Despite it being a Saturday, Granger had arrived at his private quarters quite early. While he usually woke up long before the rest of the castle, Severus had never really considered himself a morning person. He normally worked late and slept little, often waking up in a cold sweat after just a few hours of sleep due to horrible nightmares. So needless to say, he had been rather surprised when his apprentice had shown up at his door long before the house elves had even started to prepare breakfast. As he’d let her in, he had asked himself if perhaps she was suffering from the same problem as him.

The two of them had spent a lot of time together over the past week. Ever since he had given her unimpeded access to his rooms, Granger had come by even more often than before, and so they had often spent their evenings together. Everything inside him was still screaming that this was wrong, that they were becoming way too comfortable with each other. But yet, he could not help but feel a rush of ecstasy surge through his entire body every single time she walked into his sitting room.

He had given her the password in what had been almost a moment of mental aberration, and he had soon started to regret it. He had tried telling himself that the reason for that regret was that such an action was simply inappropriate for a teacher, but deep down, he knew that he was really just scared of rejection; scared that she would not take him up on the offer and that she would find it creepy and weird. But the next day, when he had come back from teaching the fourth year Slytherins and Gryffindors, he had found Granger in his sitting room, fussing over a small sandwich platter from the kitchens which was placed on the table in front of her. Severus still could not have described the emotions he had experienced upon seeing this. On one hand, he had felt massive relief. On the other, it had felt weirdly domestic for some reason; almost as though he had come home after a long day of work to a loving home – something which had been completely new to him.

Sometimes, the pair would be working on potions together, and other times, Severus would be sitting at his desk marking essays while Granger would curl up on his sofa as she studied. Today, however, they were doing what both of them loved the most: reading.

The Potions Master was seated in one of his big wing chairs, a copy of his favourite journal, The Practical Potioneer, in his hands, whereas Granger was spread out across the sofa as usual, deeply engrossed in his volume of Hélas, Je me suis Transfiguré Les Pieds by medieval French wizard Malecrit. Over the last couple of days, Severus had slowly begun to notice how eager she seemed to get her hands on classics from the wizarding world, and he did not exactly know how to feel about that – to him, it somehow appeared as though she was almost desperately trying to make up for the time she had spent growing up around Muggles.

They had both been reading in silence for a while when Severus stumbled across an especially interesting paragraph on the uses of Alihotsy in magical antidepressants. Opening his mouth to share this new piece of information with the knowledge-hungry witch, he looked up and instantly had to draw a sharp breath. Unbeknownst to him, Granger had shifted in her position a few minutes ago, and now her grey skirt had ridden up just far enough to reveal her toned thighs as well as barely the slightest hint of the subtle crease running horizontally underneath her behind.

Severus gulped. It was hard to ignore the way that the shadows of the fire burning a mere few feet away were dancing across her tender, milky flesh. Why was she wearing her uniform – a uniform with what now suddenly seemed like a ridiculously short skirt – on a day with no classes?! For a split second, the thought that she was trying to seduce him crossed his mind, but he quickly dismissed that. Never in a million years would Granger be the type of person to try to recreate a scene from a low-budget adult movie, especially not with one of her professors. And if he was being honest with himself, he would have found her appearance bewitching even if she had been wearing a potato sack.

Having long forgotten about what he had originally wanted to say, he blurted out the first thing he could think of. “I do have to say, I find it rather bizarre that Miss Weasley of all people would behave in such a manner towards you. I would be terrified of making someone even remotely angry if they knew of my deepest secret.”

Granger did not even look up. “But that’s not how friendships work.”

“What?” His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“A real friend would never betray you just because you’ve had a fight with them,” she said as she pushed herself up into a seated position. Severus did not know if he was glad or disappointed that her legs were now covered again. “A promise is a promise. That fact doesn’t change just because you’re having a disagreement or because you don’t like each other anymore.”

Yet again, he was pleasantly surprised by her maturity; it made him feel a tiny bit less like a predator preying on an innocent girl.

“Plus, the real problem is Ron. I love him –“ Severus felt a slight sting at these words. “But he’s just so unpredictable sometimes. And at the end of the day, Ginny will always side with him, because he’s her brother, and Harry will do the same, because he’s his best friend and because Ginny is his girlfriend. All three of them are on the Quidditch team together, and they all share common interests. I am the odd one out, and so if someone has to leave the group, it will always be me first.”

Severus was stunned. He wanted to disagree, wanted to tell her that what she was saying was wrong – but he knew that it was the truth. Just like himself, she was and would always be an outsider.

“Anyway,” Granger continued, taking a look at her wristwatch. “I think I have to go. I still want to stop by the library to pick up some books before it closes. Thank you for having me, as always.”

And with that, she stood up, straightened out her clothes and put the book she had been reading back in its place on one of the countless shelves lining the dark room before making her way to the exit. But just as she was about to disappear through the hole in the wall, she lingered for a second.

“Professor Snape?”

Severus was caught off guard by how nervous she suddenly sounded. “Yes, Miss Granger?”

She took her bottom lip between her teeth. “It’s okay if you don’t want to, but the other teachers normally address me by my first name when I’m alone with them. So perhaps you could do that, too? Only in private, of course.”

Severus gave her a calculated look. It probably sounded nonsensical, especially after he had already allowed her into his chambers, but he was still somewhat afraid of getting too close to her. Wasn’t using her first name taking it a bit too far? But at the same time, her request flooded his soul with a feeling of genuine happiness.

“All right … Hermione.”

*************** *************** ***************

“Come on, Hermione, I know you’re in there! Open the door!”

The brightest witch of her age was surprise to hear what sounded like frantic knocking as she climbed up the stairs leading to her Head Girl suite. It was not long until she arrived at the top and discovered a certain redhead banging on her door.

“I know you’re really mad at me, but can we please just talk about it?”

“Ginny?” she said, making the other witch jump in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“Hermione!” Ginny exclaimed before running towards her friend at the speed of light and hugging her so hard that the two of them almost tumbled over. “I am so, so sorry! I know I treated you like crap, and for a stupid reason, too! I don’t know what got into me, I’m just so stressed right now, and I let Ron get the better of me! Harry is also sorry, but Ron is still mad, and so he feels like he’s sort of caught in the middle, and –“

Hermione took a step back and offered her a smile. “Gin, it’s all right. No hard feelings, okay?”

“Oh, you are truly too good for this world!” Ginny called out before moving in for another suffocating embrace.

Hermione could not suppress a chuckle. She was still upset about how she had been treated, of course; but she had learnt a long time ago that sometimes, being happy was more important than being right. War hero or not, at the end of the day, she was just a girl, and a girl needed her best friend.

Now that their frivolous fight was finally behind them, it did not take long before the two teenagers fell back into their old ways. They soon found themselves on Hermione’s bed, with countless Muggle nail supplies spread out around them, talking about this and that. However, the newest Hogwarts gossip was not really able to awaken Hermione’s enthusiasm like it usually did. Something had been occupying her mind for a few days now, and it took her a long time before she finally mustered up the courage to bring it up.

“Hey, Gin …” she said meekly.

“Yes?” Ginny replied, biting her tongue in concentration as she carefully painted the tiny nail of one of her little toes in a pastel pink colour.

“Um …” Hermione had absolutely no idea how to broach the subject. “I need your advice on something.”

It was only then that the sixth-year looked up.

“What’s going on?” she asked concerned.

“So …” Taking a shaky breath, she decided to just make it quick and painless, like ripping off a band-aid. “I think that I might be starting to like Professor Snape.”

Oh Merlin, she had finally said it aloud! After many sleepless nights of confusion, dismay and solitary pining, she had finally admitted it – to Ginny and to herself.

Too scared of her reaction, Hermione did not dare to look Ginny in the eyes. But to her surprise, the only response was a high-pitched giggle.

“Hermione, you like all teachers. So I’m not at all surprised that you like that tosser, too. Even though I do not know how you could, especially enough to become his apprentice and –“

“No, I –“ She rubbed the back of her neck with a trembling hand. “I think I might fancy him.”

“WHAT?!” yelled Ginny as she jumped to her feet, knocking over a couple of bottles of nail polish and spilling their content all over the comforter in the process.

“Ginny, please!” she tried to calm her down, but it was to no avail – the whirlwind that was Ginevra Weasley had already been unleashed.

“You have a crush on Snape? SNAPE?! The greasy git of the dungeons? The most hated teacher in all of Hogwarts? That Snape?!”

Her look was filled with nothing but disbelief and betrayal.

“Gods, I don’t know!” Hermione’s eyes were starting to burn and fill with tears. She could not help but feel embarrassed. “I have all of these confounding feelings, and I don’t know what to make of them, okay?!”

“Hey, hey, come on! It’s nothing to cry about.” Ginny hurriedly sat back down and rubbed her back reassuringly, though she still had horror written all over her face. “Even if we’re talking about Snape here.”

A salty tear rolled down Hermione’s blushed cheek. “I don’t even know when it started, I just –“ The words got stuck in her throat as she erupted into sobs. “How can I like a teacher in that way?! Like, maybe that could even get me EXPELLED!”

Ginny pulled her into a half hug. “Now, calm down, we’ll figure this out somehow! Why do you like him?”

Hermione sniffled. “I don’t know! It’s just that he’s being so nice to me!”

“Really?” Ginny tilted her head to the left, obviously doubting the statement. “Snape and nice?”

“Yes, extremely nice!” Hermione blurted out as she wiped her flushed face with the back of her hand. “You know, after our stupid argument, I felt so sad and miserable. But then he invited me over, and we had some tea, and he let me vent. He consoled me, Gin!”

In hindsight, the brunette would later realise that she did not know how exactly he had become aware of their fallout in the first place. She certainly had never openly mentioned it in front of him. But at that moment, with her raw emotions causing mayhem inside her mind, the thought did not occur to her even once.

“You’re kidding!” Hermione could only shake her head before she broke into tears again. “Hey, I’m sorry! It’s just hard to imagine that someone like Snape might actually have some real human feelings.”

“Well, he does! I feel like he actually cares about me, you know? Like, it almost feels as though he’s my friend. He even gave me the password to his rooms so that I would have somewhere to retreat to.”

“WHA–“ Clearly forcing herself to remain calm, Ginny took a deep breath. “Are you being for real?”

“Of course! I’ve been spending time there every day!”

Shocked, Ginny put a palm on her chest. “Hold on! Severus Snape, a grown man and teacher at this school, is allowing you, a beautiful 18-year-old student of his, in his private quarters where the two of you are completely alone? Ew, what a creep!”

“It’s not like that!” Hermione protested, her facial features contorting into a grimace. “Never once has he done anything even remotely inappropriate! We just work on something together or read some books, and sometimes we eat meals together. If anything, I’m the one who has taken it too far.”

“What do you mean?” No response. “Hermione?”

“I hugged him once …”

It was merely a whisper, but she heard her nonetheless.

“YOU DID WHAT?”

Hermione hung her head, burying her hands deep in her massive brown locks. “I hugged him in the Entrance Hall during the Hallowe’en Feast. We had talked earlier about how he didn’t want to come because of how much he hates dressing up, but then he surprised me by showing up with his teeth charmed to look like a vampire and … I don’t know, I just became so excited, and before I knew it, I was hugging him!”

Ginny could only look at her, baffled-eyed. “Did he, like, hug you back?”

She thought about it for a second.

“Yeah, I think so.” She scrunched up her face. “I liked it, too.”

No one said anything for a long time. Then, letting out a forced laugh, the redhead ultimately mumbled, “Wow, I … really don’t know what to say.”

“I’m screwed!” Hermione exclaimed as she teared up again.

Ginny let out a huge sigh. “Look, at the end of the day, you cannot help who you fall for. And while I’m certainly not a fan of the Dungeon Bat myself, you definitely could have done worse.”

Ignoring the other girl’s glare, she continued, “He’s smart, just like you, and according to what you told me, he’s also treating you right. And to be honest, he’s not really as ugly as we all make him out to be. So liking him is not as ridiculous as it might sound at first. Plus, maybe this infatuation is just a phase. So many girls get crushes on their teachers at some point. Chances are by tomorrow you’re already over it.”

She grabbed her hand. “The only thing I’m worried about is how friendly you two seem to be getting. This could actually get you into major trouble should anyone notice. And it will also not help you get over this silly crush if you keep seeing him this often. So maybe just try and distance yourself for a little while, ‘kay? I bet that once this whole thing with Ron blows over, your feelings won’t be all over the place like this anymore.”

(Click here for chapter 18!)

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 4 years

Text

Hurt, part 14 (E.D.)

Summary: Back home, Ethan and Y/N show just close they’ve gotten.

Warnings: ANGST, fluff, smuttish, talk of depression and anxiety

Word Count: 3100

Hurt - Masterlist

''You know I can feel you're shaking, right?“ Y/N giggled into Ethan's neck, her arms loosening slightly as he continued to carry her inside the house.

''No clue what you're talking about. You're as light as a feather.“ He countered, his voice a little strained.

The past month has been spent in the hospital, in the spirit of horrible food and sneaking in pizzas, a ridiculous amount of tests and a lot of lying down. Ethan learned to sleep on the small bed they've added to her room, his hand always outstretched toward her bed in case she needed him during the night because he knew he wouldn't wake up by her voice alone unless she was screaming at him. But, as long and scary as it was, they were finally cleared to return home to rest – their actual home.

''Do you think we're moving a bit too fast?“ Y/N asked, a little lost in thought. She knew she'd never let Ethan so close had it not been for the pregnancy, more importantly, had it not been for all the complications. Reading how people connect deeply in stressful situations in short amounts of time is one thing, but to feel it all happen to her? That felt like skydiving without a parachute.

''I don't know. As far as I'm concerned, nothing is too fast or too slow as long as you let me hold your hand like this.“ Smiling softly, Ethan glanced at their intertwined fingers, giving her a light squeeze of reassurement. He had been more than happy to eat crappy hospital food and sleep on a bed that barely fit him, all if it allowed him to be with her.

''Are you having doubts?“ Ethan was almost afraid to ask, she could tell, but it was an obvious follow-up question. She could see it in his eyes, the flames of his love burning bright and the ones that represented his pain flickering right beneath. He's struggling, even now when he's holding her hand as if nothing was ever wrong to begin with.

''No! Never.“ She was quick to correct his thinking, deciding to take the plunge and just say what's been on her mind since she learned she could go home soon. She did want to go home, her actual home.

''I was just thinking if...if you'd have a problem with me moving back home? I'd take the guest room or something?“ For a moment she expected Ethan to pull his hand back or break eye contact or run off where she could not follow. She expected he'd tell her to go to hell for playing with his feelings and not letting him in without making every doorknob a razorwire that could lead to her heart. She thought he'd say something to turn her down, but instead, she saw his face light up brighter than it did when she accepted his proposal.

''You can have the master bedroom. I haven't slept there in months anyway.“ Ethan lifts her hand up, kissing the back of it tenderly – once, twice, three times as she shook her head with a fond smile.

''But I'd like you to be in the room too. I'm not sure I'd quite be comfortable with sharing a bed, but...I'm scared of being alone in case something happens and I can't get to you.“ She excused, knowing fully it's not entirely a lie, but it certainly wasn't the only reason why she wanted him there. In fact, she'd have asked him to share the bed too, but baby steps they've been taking have clearly been working and she feared they would run before learning to walk and how that might affect them.

''No problem! I'll have Grayson move a couch in and it's gonna be fine!“ Smiling like two very shy teenage kids, Ethan and Y/N looked at each other as if it were for the first time. Sure, they're both a little older and a little rougher around the edges now, but they like they're reintroduced to one another. It felt like a fresh start.

''Katie, sweetie...You have to let Y/N rest.“ Clara tried to talk her daughter into leaving Y/N's arm alone. The moment Ethan put her down on the bed, little Katie attached herself to her right arm and refused to let go.

''Katie, you know I'm okay, right? I'm not sick and I'm not going anywhere. You're just going to have three cousins to play with.“ Y/N spoke sweetly, her left hand running up and down Katie's back to soothe her worries.

''I'll be resting in my bed with ice cream a lot. I'd say it's a win-win situation after all.“ Exclaiming, Y/N giggled too in her desire to show she's truly doing better than it seems.

''Really? Can I have some too?“ Lifting her head, Grayson's big brown eyes meet Y/N's and she melts at the sight. Soon enough, she could have Ethan's big brown eyes stare at her from three different tiny humans and she couldn't wait for her fantasies to become reality.

''Of course! But for now, I really need my arm back.“ Chuckling, Y/N managed to get a smile on Katie's face and her arm back – a little colder and worn out though. As they walked out to leave her resting, Y/N took a moment to look around.

Ethan had taken care of everything. The walls were painted a different color – a gentle shade of purple, the curtains matching was probably Clara's doing, the bed was different too – from the actual bed to the mattress to the sheets. She thought it to be his way of cleansing the last of Bianca's spirit from the house, a way for him to tell her this was her room, her house, her husband.

''Everyone's gone and I have some awesome food in the kitchen. Full disclosure, I'll have to send photos of you eating to mom, both my grandma's and Clara, since they agreed it's the only way I can make them leave us alone for a while.“ Ethan sat beside her on the bed, his weight dipping the mattress toward him and her as well. She didn't mind when her thigh touched him, nor when his hand wrapped around hers on instinct. She was comfortable with him touching her. She craved his touch, his affection and loving kisses. She missed it all.

''You know my mother never liked you?“ Y/N begins and Ethan's eyes widen in shock and his jaw falls, leaving his mouth open.

''I THOUGHT SHE ADORED ME!“ Ethan exclaimed, a little too loudly for comfort but he genuinely couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Moving aside, Y/N lowered her head down on the pillow, patting the spot next to her for him to take.

''Yeah. When she met you, she told me you're a fuckboy and you'd ruin my life.''

Ethan laid on his side, chewing his bottom lip anxiously. ''I had no idea. I really thought your family loved me. Why'd you marry me then?“ He looked up at her with those big brown eyes that look so deeply into her own.

''You were a YouTuber then and she saw your Instagram page. I guess she was just worried about me. When I told her I think you're my forever, she never brought it up again. My dad loves you. He's still your number one fan.'' She tried to console, noticing his pensive look melt into a smile and she knew he wasn't as upset anymore.

A pause ensued, the two just looking at each other silently like there was a whole new level of closeness developing. Usually, they'd both look away and smile shyly, but neither of them wanted to miss anything – not a single moment of the beauty the other person possessed.

But there were some questions they both needed answers to and while Ethan got all of his about Edward and why he was no longer around almost immediately in the hospital, Y/N had been holding off out of fear of having Ethan change his mind about it all – about her.

''You never had sex with Bianca. True or not?“ She had heard it from her, and she had heard it from Grayson, but Ethan never said anything. He hadn't said a word about how far he went with that woman or how deep his feelings reached. Judging by the way his eyes fell to their hands for a moment, Y/N felt there might be some cause for concern.

Looking back up to her eyes, Ethan shook his head. ''No. But I won't lie to you and say I didn't try. Because I did. I just...Every time I touched her, I wanted it to be you. And I was painfully aware she's not. I didn't love her. I didn't even care about her or anyone at the time. You're the only one who crossed my mind and that's all I remember clearly. The rest was just...going through motions. I spent a lot of my time drunk or high and the first moment of clarity since you left was the moment I saw your head bleeding after you passed out.“

Nodding, she pressed her lips together as she narrowed her eyes at him ever so slightly.

''That day I left...when we were in bed, you were still telling me you love me. How real was that?“ Those whispers of his haunted her constantly. Not only was he whispering the sweetest proclamations of love as he thrusted into her so slowly, so affectionately like nothing else mattered in the world but their well-rehearsed dance, but it was also the last time he said it before everything fell apart. She felt haunted by that day, that morning in particular.

''My therapist said that it's remarkable how close and intimate we are as a couple. She said it's probably what kept my depression at bay for so long and how I managed to keep myself together. She quite literally called you my shield against the darkness. Apparently, an orgasm is better than antidepressants and those were also my moments of clarity – where I did and said exactly what I felt. It was real for me.“

Y/N tried not to smile at the analogy of being his shield against the dark. She tried so hard not to smile and let it be as obvious as it was that his words have definitely melted some of the lasting ice around her heart. Those words have chased away her fears and all she could see is him. He wasn't clouded by the ghosts of the past or tears she had shed in her agony. She could see Ethan Dolan and the vulnerable, honest eyes more clearly than ever before.

''When's the last time you had an orgasm?“ A ballsy question escaped her and her curiosity peaked when he closed his eyes and held his breath. He seemed mortified by her question as if she had asked something he'd rather never talk about. But before she could apologize and tell him this questions can be skipped, Ethan let the answer slip.

''With you. Almost eight months ago.“ Avoiding eye contact, Ethan turned on his back and looked up at the ceiling instead of Y/N. He felt his cheeks burn, embarrassed and a little humiliated by the fact.

''I'm a lot more fucked up than you think I am. I'm broken. My penis doesn't even work. Every day I hope and pray you'd let me in again, let me kiss you and hold you. But then I remember I can't satisfy you anymore and that scares the crap out of me. If I can't give you the pleasure and intimacy we used to have, how can I ever be with you?“

There's a moment between action and consequence, eternal and fleeting. It's when whatever you did has occurred but the reaction is yet to come. She knew no words could comfort him now. Ethan believed he was broken. He believed there wasn’t a way to fix him, that he was unworthy, somehow less manly. No words she speaks will change his mind, but actions would.

‘’Close your eyes.” She ordered, turning to her side as glanced at her, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed tightly together as if he was trying to figure her out.

‘’I don’t see why –“, He had started his overly defensive speech, but Y/N had a point to make.

‘’Do you trust me?” She cut him off, placing her right hand on his chest, right above his unnaturally fast heartbeat.

‘’With my life.” His response didn’t surprise her. The sweet, non-questioning tone he used had her heart speed up as well. He was always sexiest when he was unashamed to be real with her, even if he was as soft as Bambi when he did.

‘’Then please close your eyes for me and relax.” Nodding, Ethan closed his eyes and squirmed nervously as he awaited her next move. Y/N could be a little unpredictable, always. More often than not, Ethan had no way to assume what she’d do next and he certainly never thought that when his eyes closed, he’d feel her hand move from his chest to his abdomen – slowly, but with purpose. His eyes snapped open the very moment her fingers brushed his cock, feeling her touch despite the sweatpants and boxer briefs set in place. His hand grabbed onto her wrist instinctively and he looked back at her mischievous eyes and saw something he hadn’t in a long while. She knew all his fears and faults now, yet she still didn’t care or she simply didn’t understand.

‘’It won’t work. It just won’t.” He spoke in a rushed manner, relenting his hold on her wrist in fear of hurting her.

‘’Close your eyes and breathe. Can you do that for me?” She raised an eyebrow in expectation and while he didn’t think anything would come of it, he could at least relax and let her take a leap of faith she clearly needed. Ethan accepted his condition, assuming it’s either because of depression or antidepressants, but if she wanted to try something, he wouldn’t fight her on it. In fact, he thought it might bring them closer together and if a little embarrassment was all he needed to contribute to that, he’d do it.

Closing his eyes again, Ethan drew in a deep breath. His cheeks were burning, eyes desiring to open but refrained from doing so.

She took her time too. While she couldn’t really move much and sex would be out of the question regardless of the risky pregnancy, Y/N had something in mind. She let her fingers run along his cock slowly in brushing, feather-like manner. She made her movements deliberately slow and lazy and by the way his cock began to twitch, she knew he still reacted the same when she touched him.

Placing her palm over his clothed member, she continued her torturous moves, adding a little pressure to which Ethan’s mouth opened and shuddered breath escaped him. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration and she smiled.

His fingers clenched, suddenly needing to touch her seemingly soft and smooth skin, but he knew he couldn’t. In fact, he was afraid if he tried she would stop and the feeling she provided was divine, enough for him to resist. His heart drummed inside his ears, blood rushing to his lower region and he knew she would prove him wrong. She always did.

A low, deep moan spilled out of his mouth as her hand moved across his crotch skillfully, knowing exactly what he liked. But when she hooked her fingers into the waistband and pulled it down just enough to free his semi-hardened cock, Ethan had to open his eyes.

His blush intensified as his eyes fell on her hand, seeing precum at his tip and the satisfied smile on her lips as she licked them carefully. He shifted his gaze on her face, watching the red hues that adorned her cheeks, realizing she’s feeling shy about this too – it wasn’t just him. It felt like their first time all over again when Ethan had managed to give her a concussion by throwing her on the bed, trying to fake confidence. How was he supposed to know she would bounce right off the bed and into the nightstand?

‘’Your eyes are opened.” She mumbled, lips pressing against his chin while her hand grabbed the base of his cock. His breath hitched in his throat as she began to stroke him, painfully slow. She felt him harden against her palm, relinquishing all control as he twitched in her hand, completely at her mercy.

‘’I wanted to remember this.” Hearing a low groan from him that traveled all the way to her core, she picked up the pace. Ethan kept his eyes on her, intently watching as her hand pleasured him before shifting his eyes back to her face, noticing just how close she way. Swallowing emptily, he grabbed her wrist, stopping her stroking movements. It’s not like he didn’t want her to continue, but if he came then everything would end, and he wanted for this moment to last longer. He didn’t care if his cock was hurting, begging for release, he didn’t want for it to end.

‘’You want to remember when I proved your wrong? When I showed you weren’t broken? Because you’re not. You got a little lost Ethan, but you’re back on the right path and you need to trust me when I say that I’m doing all I can to light your way back home.

‘’Y-YES. That’s not all I want to remember. I just want to remember the moment you decided I was worth saving.’’

And she did because, after nearly eight months of being unable to get hard, Ethan got his release that night. But he got a lot more than just that. He had a piece of her back too. While she was ready to forgive, forgetting was a little harder to do, but she decided to fully open her heart for him again. She decided to take a chance on the man who had spent the night rubbing her back and peppering her face with kisses. She decided to let the past go and let him make things better, piece by piece.

However, just a week later, he had something else to worry about entirely.

‘’ETHAN?!” She screamed for him to wake, unable to reach the light on her own and while he wasn’t a heavy sleeper since they returned home, Ethan felt out of sorts as he jerked awake at her call.

‘’WHAT? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?!” He screamed as well, turning the light switches up to see better, but when he did, his eyes widened.

‘’SOMETHING DID HAPPEN. YEAH! MY WATER BROKE!”

Tags: @melodiesforari @brittttneyyyy @beautorigin @dolandolll @xalayx @godlydolans @heyits-claire @peacedolantwins @dolanstwintuesday @accalialionheart @ethanhes @lanadeldolans @ebbach-03 @dolangels @xxaamzxx @cutestdolans @yaren-ates @dolansmith @vintagebitttch @primadolangirl @caqsicle @jjustjoy @justordinaryjen @graydolan12 @imaginashawnns @graysonslovie @fandomsfeministsandothershit @bdsmdolan @graysavant @ethanspillow @dopedoodes @anything-dolan @sugarfootdolan @joyrivh @reblogserpent @luvdols @emiemille @herewegoagainandagainandagain @adventureswithmell

#ethan dolan x reader #ethan dolan #dolan twins #ethan dolan angst #ethan dolan smut #ethan dolan fluff #ethan dolan fanfiction #ethan dolan fic #ethan dolan fanfic #ethan dolan x yn #ethan dolan x y/n #ethan dolan x you #ethan dolan au #ethan dolan series

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splendidlyimperfect · 4 years

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It's been twelve weeks in quarantine and the boys decide to head to Gray's parent's cabin for a weekend of isolation.

Chapter Summary: The boys get to the cabin and talk about their future together.

Chapters (2/3): 1 | 2 Fandom: Fairy Tail Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Natsu/Sting/Rogue/Gray Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Polyamory, Established Relationship, Fluff, Morning Cuddles, Morning Kisses, Lazy Mornings, Soft Boys, Dorks in Love, Sharing Clothes, Teasing, quarantine fic, weekends at the lake, Talking About The Future, mentions of depression, disgustingly sappy as usual

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Gray got the hoodie for the drive to the lake.

“I don’t like driving,” he said as he leaned on the counter and watched Natsu pack the cooler. “It makes me feel better.”

For a second, Natsu was concerned. Gray hadn’t had any nightmares lately, and it wasn’t close to the anniversary of the accident. He was about to ask what was going on when saw the tiny smile pulling the corner of Gray’s lip.

“You’re the worst,” he said, shaking his hand and throwing a banana at Gray. “Pulling the trauma card is my trick.”

Continue reading on AO3

“Hah, so you admit that you’re perfectly capable of loading the dishwasher then?” Gray tossed the banana back and Natsu caught it in midair, then added it to the pile of food for the cooler.

“Look,” he said, opening the fridge and grabbing a six-pack of beer to toss in the cooler. “I had a traumatic brain injury.”

“Yeah, two years ago,” Rogue said from in the pantry where he was searching for granola bars. “Sting’s the only one who falls for it anymore, love.”

Sting, who was still packing in the bedroom, stuck his head out the door. “I don’t fall for anything,” he insisted, and Natsu blew him a kiss.

“How does a brain injury prevent you from loading the dishwasher, exactly?” Gray asked. “And don’t you dare try to say it hurts your hip to stand for that long because you went to see Taylor Swift and stood in that crowd for four hours, and you were fine.”

Natsu sighed in defeat. “Fine,” he grumbled. “But reading still sucks.”

“That’s because you’re dyslexic,” Gray insisted. “The neurologist said your brain is fine, so don’t even.”

“Says mister ‘I-have-PTSD-and-can’t-drive-so-I-should-get-the-hoodie.’”

Gray rolled his eyes, then leaned forward and reached over the counter to grab Natsu’s arm, pulling him in for a kiss. Natsu hummed happily, returning the kiss and rubbing his nose against Gray’s. “You’re in a good mood,” he said softly.

Gray nodded, pressing their foreheads together. “The meds are helping,” he said. “The new ones, I mean. They taste gross but I feel better.”

“Good,” Natsu said, running his thumb across Gray’s cheek. The teasing tone faded from his voice as he added, “I was worried about you.”

Gray sighed. His depression had been wavering on unstable before the lockdown, but after two months of being stuck in the house, it had gotten so bad that he’d spent most days either irritable or in tears. He’d finally called his psychiatrist after Sting had found him crying in the shower at two in the morning and had had to carefully talk him down from, I don’t even want to be alive anymore.

“I know,” Gray said, and Natsu kissed the pink flush that crept across his cheeks.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” he said. “We love you. And you’re not the only one who takes meds, right?” He gestured to the basket of pill bottles to the coffee machine that contained his ADHD pills, Sting’s anxiety medication, and Gray’s antidepressants.

“I still think the pharmacy should give us a group discount,” Rogue said, coming around behind Gray and wrapping an arm around his waist.

Natsu laughed, kissing Gray’s cheek again before leaning back and returning to filling the cooler. “I tried telling that to the pharmacist last time I was there, but I don’t think she thought it was very funny.”

“She probably wasn’t taking you seriously because you were buying Disney-themed gummy vitamins,” Gray suggested.

“Mm, and the bottle is suspiciously empty, so I know I’m not the only one who’s been eating them.”

“They taste good!” Sting insisted from the bedroom. “Except the pineapple ones.”

“I like those ones,” Rogue said.

“Aha! So you are eating them.”

Rogue shrugged and Natsu stuck his tongue out at him, then closed the fridge and the cooler. “All right, I think we’re good,” he said. “We ready to go?”

“All good,” Sting said, coming out of the bedroom with two duffle bags. The contested sweater was draped over his arm and he looked back and forth between Natsu and Gray with his eyebrow raised.

“Gray can have it,” Natsu said as he headed for the front door and grabbed another sweater from the rack. “I’m just gonna steal his instead.”

The drive to the lake took nearly three hours, but Natsu’s Spotify playlists kept them entertained. The sky was a bright, clear blue, and trees lined the highway, occasionally giving them a glimpse of the Georgian Bay. They stopped in Parry Sound for Starbucks, and by the time they reached the lake, even Gray was singing along to Kesha.

“God, I love this place,” Natsu said as they unpacked the trunk. Gray’s parents had owned the tiny cabin since he was a kid, and the four of them typically visited at least twice over the summer. The lake was visible from the front porch, bright blue water stretching out under a cloudless expanse of sky.

“Burgers for lunch?” Sting shouted from the porch, gesturing at the barbeque.

“Hell, yes,” Natsu said, grinning. “I’m starving.”

“We literally ate breakfast before we left,” Gray said, fond exasperation in his voice as he bumped shoulders with Natsu. “How are you already hungry?”

“How are you not?” Natsu argued. He gestured for Gray to grab the other handle of the cooler and help him carry it into the cabin. The inside was rustic and welcoming – all wood beams and handmade curtains sewn by Gray and Silver.

“Who’s sleeping where?” Rogue asked, dropping one of the duffel bags in the middle of the living room.

“Dibs on the big bed,” Natsu said, pointing to the master bedroom. The other two beds were twin-sized ones where Gray and Lyon used to sleep as kids. “Sting, you with me?”

“Actually,” Gray said, “can I, uh… be with you?” He gave Natsu an uncertain look. “I don’t wanna sleep alone right now, and I swear I’m not playing the trauma card for the comfy bed.”

“I know you aren’t,” Natsu reassured him, leaning over and kissing his cheek. “Of course you can.”

Rogue gave Gray a fond look, then grabbed one of the bags and headed into the ‘kid’s room.’ Sting started unpacking the cooler, tucking everything neatly into the fridge and leaving out the ingredients for lunch.

They ate on the deck after Gray and Natsu had wiped down the table and cleared the spiderwebs from the deck chairs, and Sting sighed happily, leaning back in his chair. “Can we just live out here for the rest of our lives?”

“Mm.” Gray hooked his foot around Sting’s ankle under the table. “I think the kids at the daycare might miss you. And there’s no coffee shop out here for Rogue to work at. Plus, you’d miss having internet after a week.”

“Fiiine,” Sting said, sighing dramatically.

“We could retire here,” Rogue suggested.

“Pff, in what, forty years?” Natsu snorted, taking a sip of his beer.

“You’re telling me you’re still gonna work in a daycare when you’re seventy?” Gray raised his eyebrows.

“Okay,” Natsu conceded, “Maybe a little earlier than that.”

Sting looked thoughtful and Gray nudged his foot. “What’s up, sunshine?”

Sting smiled at the nickname. “Nothin’,” he said, reaching out and taking Gray’s hand. “Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Just…” Sting stared at their joined hands. “About us. Being… I dunno. Forever.”

Natsu raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Just… I mean I know we can’t all, um…” Sting’s cheeks started to turn pink and he ducked his head, trying to hide his blush behind the hair he’d been growing out. “Y’know. Get married.” He ran his thumb over Gray’s ring finger. “And that’s fine—I just, talking about retiring together, it’s… nice. Knowing that you guys want this forever.”

“Of course we do,” Rogue said, leaning against Sting’s shoulder. “I’ve never wanted anything else.”

“Don’t worry, we’re all gonna be grumpy old men together,” Natsu teased, but Sting could hear the fondness in his voice. “Who else is gonna put up with me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sting muttered as Gray squeezed his hand.

“I don’t…” Gray hesitated. “I dunno what I’d do without you guys. And I mean that in a lot of ways.” Natsu made a soft sound and reached out to rest his hand on Gray’s leg. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—I just…” He looked up and gave them all a soft smile. “I love you all. A lot. And I know I don’t say it as much as everyone else does, cause I—we all know I suck at this shit.”

“Gray—” Sting tried to reassure him, but Gray shook his head.

“No, it’s okay. I just mean that talking about feeling is hard for me, but I love you all, and I want this forever.”

“Good,” Natsu said. “’cause you’re stuck with us.”

“I think I can handle that,” Gray said, laughing.

Rogue kissed Gray’s cheek. “It’s so good to see you happy, love,” he said. “I love your laugh.”

Gray groaned in embarrassment and turned his head, pressing his face to Rogue’s shoulder. “I am happy,” he said quietly.

“Okay, now that we’re getting into ridiculously sappy territory,” Natsu said, “I love you all too and you’re my absolute favorite people in the world.” Gray glanced at him with a small smile on his lip. “You had enough talking about feelings?” Natsu teased.

“Mm.”

Sting kissed the top of Gray’s head. “Why don’t we head down to the lake?” he said, gently changing the subject. “It’s hot as hell out here and I wanna go swimming.”

“Excellent idea,” Natsu said, nodding and standing up to clear off the table. “I get to cool down and check out three hot shirtless guys.”

Gray rolled his eyes, squeezing Sting’s hand and kissing Rogue’s cheek before getting up to help Natsu.

“You want me to do your hair?” Sting asked Rogue, gesturing to his messy ponytail. Rogue nodded and shifted over, tugging out the elastic to let Sting braid it.

“You’d better hurry up,” Natsu said as he nudged the door open with his foot to head into the kitchen. “’cause the last one into the water is cutting firewood for tonight!”

#fairy tail #grastustingue #ot4 #gray fullbuster #natsu dragneel #sting eucliffe #rogue cheney #fanfic #update #new chapter #my fic

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tallmantall · 10 months

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#JamesDonaldson On #MentalHeath – Extreme Education Can Cause #MentalHealthDisorders

Have you ever heard or encountered people who became insane because they know too much? Or are you sometimes regarded as having a #mentalhealthdisorder because of your ability to be highly educated? According to certain studies, #adults who have degrees which are advanced can be at risk for shattered #mentalhealth compared to those who are under the average quota. Sometimes, these people belong to the professional scene having a masters or doctor’s degree. It was surprising to realize that participants who are regarded as highly educated expresses unsatisfactory #mentalhealth upon comparison to normalcy. Why does this happen? Perhaps work related #stress can be one of the very reasons. Competition in the workplace can be very disturbing and someone has to do something about the person on the next desk who keeps on nagging you with how the interview for chief executive had been a breeze. It is often the characteristics and the poor coping mechanisms that layoff the #mental hazards within the community of white collared executives. Because highly educated individuals comprises a majority of America’s manpower, it is necessary that every company or the government to take immediate action about the mind bugging situation. Without proper thinking, work may be compromised. Some of the reasons that were pinpointed to the public regarding the different aspects in their working environment are: • Perceived work and relationship problems within the work area and inside the house as well • Events and situation which are regarded to be very stressful on the part of the person • Ability to cope with the difficult problems and situations in their lives • Bad habits like #alcoholism or #drug medications like #antidepressants or anti-#anxiety • Frequency of visits to their medical practitioner Those who belong to a younger age are most likely to experience relapses in their #mental #behavior because of high level of home or work related #stress, #alcoholism, and usage of #drugs which can result to the dependency to the substance. #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Home or work related #stress is referred to as those activities, responsibilities, and tasks that the individual must do in a certain time frame. At home, the #parent expects a higher salary while at work; on the other hand your boss wanted you to finish the newly given report within an hour, your co-worker has no intention of helping, another project is given set to be finished before 5, an emergency meeting has just been called up to discuss something about progress report. These, with all other little things can put on so much pressure on an individual just because he is bright. Expectations can sometimes bring a person down to his knees and beg for an easier life. #Alcoholism and the use of illegal #drugs won’t do any good either. These factors will just add up to the laid injury. Confidence is something that some of the researchers has stressed. It is said that because #adults is more adept in coping with a very difficult situation because of a heightened level of confidence. While younger ones are not yet at the verge of knowing the difference between right and wrong because their #self-esteem is still growing some roots. Furthermore, it is stated that compared to #men, #women who belong within the more advanced degrees have higher #mentalhealth edge than #men. Read the full article

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kalendraashtar · 5 years

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Fanfiction - Testament of Light

Hello lovies! This little one-shot was a way for me to stretch my angsty muscles, before I dive back into joy. There are a few trigger warnings, so be sure to check the tags if you are unsure if you should read it. Love X

Testament of Light

This is the last chance, after what already was the last chance.

I’m here because, I guess, in some remote part of me I still care. Not for my own life, but for those who would be left with doubts and insecurities and anxieties from my absence. Because they would be left to fill in the vacant Claire-shaped space, in all its jagged edges and glorious emptiness.

I sit through hospitality session. They are all more or less the same. Hammered success statistics (I would always fall within the minority, the ones failing), house rules (for me to break), treatment plans (whose ultimate purpose was to stall my own plan).

Lamb nods when the counsellor asks if he helped me pack for my stay. It’s a soft way of asking if there are any objects inside my bag that I could use to harm myself. He is the hardest to disappoint and I’ve tried so damn hard. His faith in my restoration is unshakable, the last piece of art on the collection of his heart, and he indefatigably seeks the brush able to compose me into a semblance of wholeness.

My first therapist used to say, “You’re not the summation of the things done to you”. I never gathered enough courage to tell her how unspeakably wrong she was. I am the summation of all things done to me – offered, inflicted, traded, both accepted and denied – and of all the ripples of my own creation. They might not be the whole definition, but they are the commas, the full stops, the small spaces between letters, the tone in which I utter whatever I feel like writing for myself.

My parents’ death. A man who didn’t know how to love me, that I called my lover. Another man, not by my own choice, with the smell of pine trees all around us. My suspended licence to practice, when it became apparent that I was “unwell”. Summation.

We go up to the room they selected for me. There is no door, because I’m on permanent suicide watch. There’s no lamp on the ceiling, my sheets are strapped to the bed and my only chance of finding freedom is if I go into anaphylactic shock from dust mites. I’m resourceful so I’ll fight the odds, but these folks seem to have thought this through.

I kiss Lamb goodbye - I have kissed him many times in one-sided farewells, unbeknownst to him, that never proved themselves definitive. He requests (pleads) my cooperation with the treatment, my compromise with life and I nod (I would nod to everything for him to leave this wicked place); he smiles, while his eyes linger on me. He memorizes me, just in case.

The next day is a whirlwind of evaluations, greetings from other patients (mostly youngish women) and a group session. I walk through it all like a woman lost in the desert, watching the wind wipe away the footsteps that prove my existence, longing for something in the horizon.

Antidepressants, electroconvulsive therapy, thermal springs, crystals, chakras, group therapy, hypnosis, sleeping cure, meditation - no drug or hail-mary is foreign to me. But even when the cloak of depression was lifted from me, I still couldn’t bear the effort to stand and walk on my own. I couldn’t tug on those boundaries that outlined my shape and force them to hold steady, to contain everything and still find enough space for some tomorrows.

My roommate, a petite brunette called Mary, who seems like a strange echo of myself, asks if I have met the lead therapist of the program when we return to our bedroom. I have not; I’m scheduled for an individual session with him soon. She assures me he is unlike anyone she has ever met and that he is slowly changing her - she hasn’t made a single attempt since entering the house; she speaks of it in the past tense while I only know it in the present, the future continuous, the infinitive.

I speculate that she simply hasn’t met that many counsellors, not as I have - the tough-love believers, the Freudian followers, the apologist masters. I’ve been a creature of interest for them all, up until the moment they realize they can’t fix me (the crack is too deep, it’s all that I am) and they have to place me on a high shelf to be able to keep going, moving on to the ones they can help.

He is not what I thought he would be. The therapist looks like a bloody rock star, a movie star, a sports star, maybe like an entire constellation of unattainable things. We glare at each other for a long while, unflinching, and I can tell he is good at the staring game; he keeps slightly tilting his head, as if to better hear something I whisper towards him from across the room, except all my statements are made with silence.

Eventually, I cave in (his eyes level me) and ask, “Aren’t you going to tell me now how you’ll help me finding happiness again?”.

“Ye think ye’ve already found it.” He shrugs and smiles softly. “Ye think it’s only on the other side, so there’s no point in me saying otherwise. That is for ye to decide, eventually.”

“Oh, I see.” I laugh humourlessly - it’s a strange sound, raspy and low. It resounds in the emptiness inside. “You’re one of those types that likes to pretend that he knows - he understands - what I’m going through.”

He doesn’t take the bait. It washes over him and the droplets of my own territorial anger bounce back, wetting my face.

“Will ye tell me about yer family?” He asks and it’s clear this is not a demand. He doesn’t summon my family as an easy avenue to reach me, doesn’t go for the stale and smelly “How did their loss make you feel?” or the even more malevolent “This all started with your family, will you tell me about it?”. It’s not their death that he seeks, so I give him their life in small precious pieces, safe in the open palm of my voice (trembling, missing).

It’s the most talking I’ve ever done in therapy. He hums, nods and adds humorous comments to my little anecdotes; and just when I wait for the punch to finally come (their death, the start, the end), he tells me we should continue the next day - and would that be alright?

“Yes. I think so.” I hawk, pressing my palms together. “I’ll clear my schedule.”

He laughs and I marvel at the sound. “Ye should come outside. Everybody will be in the garden. I hear there’s lemonade today.” He reaches out with his hand to me, inviting me towards the exit.

And I finally see them. The scars on his forearm, long and angry; not pink and soft and foreign like my own, but almost silvery and an integral part of his own skin, seemingly a pathway for his blood to follow towards his heart (in case it forgets, in case he forgets the way again). I realize that he does know, he knows better than most, better even than me.

People say that no one ever returned to tell us what death looks like; near-death experiences (levitation, security, warmth, serenity) pinned on a failing hippocampus, low oxygen levels and false memories. And I agree. But there are those who might come back from a dark courtship, from absolute surrender to nothingness. And what would they tell?

I stand on the threshold for a while, breathing the kind of fresh air that only exists after heavy rain, when the earth rises from the ground and caresses us back. And for once, I think that maybe I’ll see my own shadow keeping me company and I’ll believe that I’m still here, that I’m still a being touched by light, and that maybe – maybe – I’ll be able to linger.

I step outside and follow Jamie into the sunlight.

#Testament of Light #one-shot #Outlander fanfiction #Jamie and Claire #angst #tw: suicide #tw: depression #tw: therapy #Modern AU

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acciomoondew · 4 years

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hiya tumblr

i haven’t done this in.. well quite some time but here goes

just to update anyone who is reading this - hi i’m lisa and i am almost done my first year of law school. it’s gone okay, but the exams are murderous they’re so much harder than i could have ever imagined and i’m really struggling. but i just got a job with the prosecution services in a town just about an hour away for the summer. i’ve always wanted to be a prosecutor like genuinely always since i was like 12 years old. it’s hard to articulate why because it’s kind of shifted after going through a whole undergraduate degree where i learned all about people and society and psychology and criminology and stuff. but i still want to be one and i want to make a difference with my career and hope to make at least a small impact on the criminal justice system. but you see the thing is so many people are doubting me on this. just this past week alone two separate colleagues at school have basically told me that my reasons for wanting to be a prosecutors are stupid and i won’t be able to make any changes as a lawyer and you know i get it maybe being a lawmaker or a politician would be able to make more change. but i think it’s important for prosecutors to make changes from within the criminal justice system you know? by not focusing so much on incarceration and targeting of indigenous canadians and use more meaningful consequences that will decrease criminality. i know that’s idealistic and hopeful and probably naive but that’s what i believe and want to do with my life and it’s all i’ve wanted to do for like over 10 years. i’m also so lonely? i have friends at school but we don’t really hang out outside of class and lunch and school-related functions. i mean a couple times i have been invited out and that’s nice. but my friends pre-law school are not communicating with me. i’m always the one starting the conversation and rarely does it last long. so yeah i’m struggling. a couple weeks ago i had my reading week break and told them to let me know when they were free so we could get together and so one suggested the snow maze and then i immediately said yes that sounds great and it took the others (one of which is like the leader of the other two - they won’t go if the one main one doesn’t) until the day before to finally commit. but then when we got there (i drove because i’m the only one with a car) the three fucked off and did their own thing and left my other friend and i alone. and then you know i had to drive them home and they like didn’t talk to me on the drive back. so i feel like i did something wrong but of course i didn’t but my brain doesn’t let me think otherwise and yeah the depression thing is always fun but it’s really messing me up but i’m too scared to go to the doctor and do anything about it because i know just how expensive it is to get help and how long it takes to get help and i don’t know if i go see my gp if she just give me a prescription for antidepressants because i think i need them. the social anxiety is getting bad again too, and i think it might be merging into general anxiety which is super fun. i’m crying all the time now and i don’t like that it’s not fun and it makes me feel like shit and idk i just don’t feel like i have anyone to really talk to. i feel like no one wants to talk to me and i know i’m not the best person i try to be nice but i’m so fucking weird and awkward and i don’t know i’m not a good talker i don’t say the right thing i say dumb things all the time and idk maybe i can’t do this maybe i can’t do law school it’s so stressful and hard and i feel so dumb in class which is new i’ve always understood the things i’m learning before but now it’s like everyone around me is having no trouble but i’m struggling and i just i hate it i hate my self and how i am and i just want to sleep all the time and i do i go to school for like 10 hours and try and do some studying there and then i come home and i’m just so drained that i end up zoning out and not being able to do anything except watch netflix and sleep and it makes it really hard to keep up with courses and i’m really worried that i’m going to fail everything and that will ruin my life i will never be able to become a lawyer let alone a prosecutor and then what do i do with my life because i didn’t do honours psych because i was told i wasn’t good enough for the program so i woudl have to go back and do the 2 year add on just to be considered for the masters program and then i would have to go get a phd and i would still be in school when i’m 30 and i’m spiralling i’m spiralling hard and who knows if i would even be a good clinical psychologist i’m surely not good or smart enough to be a psychiatrist because med school would actually kill me but my peers are so smart like so smart they talk about their undergrad experiences and most of them never got anything less than an A or A+ whereas I got a mix of everything I’m talking like an even split between B+ A and A+ but i still got a bunch of B’s and one C+ and even on the midterms they’re all sad because they all got B’s and i’m sitting there like fuck really i would die for a B because I actually failed one of them, and got a C and a C+ on two others, and that means i’m very at risk of not doing well overall and holy fuck the finals are worth between 70 and 80% of my grade and that’s terrifying and i just know i’m going to fuck it up and i’m just so scared and worried and in addition to the crying you know when you can actually feel a strain in your heart like you heart is trying to leave your chest because you are just so sad and oh heart yeah still single still a 23 year old virgin who has been on 3 dates and is continually rejected on dating apps and i’ve never even been kissed and how pathetic is that i mean how do you get to be twenty fucking three without having any physical intimacy like i don’t even get hugs because i don’t see my friends because they don’t talk to me anymore and my immediate family are not huggers and i’m worried that i’ll never be able to find a partner because who wants someone so old who has no experience whatsoever and is emotionally and physically stunted in the romance department and oh yeah and questioning sexuality is fun too like that’s just one more thing to be worried about and i’ve been going between over eating and not eating and i’ve gained so much weight i’m so disgusting my body is repulsive to me so i can’t imagine ever showing it to another person and i really yeah i really wish i could just start over like die and start over or at least maybe go back to grade 4 and start over because that’s where it all started to go downhill my dad got laid off and then found a job in edmonton which is two provinces away and my mom was so stressed and i had to step up and help around the house and take out garbage and clean and do things to get the house ready for showings and i started to get acne and started to get self conscious and i’ve never really been the same little girl that i used to be and i just wish i had someone to talk to i really just wish i had some person to talk to me and want to talk to me and isn’t doing it out of some sort of obligation just a person who genuinely wants to be my friend and do friend things i miss having someone to just be silly around i haven’t had that in like 15 years i just don’t like where i am right now in life as a person i just wish i had a different life

anyway yeah i’m going to go sleep for probably 12 hours now thanks

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