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evabritt · 1 year

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A Night With My New Sugar Daddy

The past week has been strange, to say the least. One night I got really high and made a Seeking Arrangements profile, mostly out of boredom. This website is mega sad. There's no way of avoiding that. It's mostly a run-of-the-mill Pre-Tinder dating website, ala Christian Mingle. The different part is that men fill out their income and net worth, with descriptions like “discrete” and “no strings attached”. My profile has no photos of my head, just my body. Totally degrading anti-feminist meat market stuff. I have a photo Maria took of me at North Ave. Beach, right before I left. I cropped my head out. One time I showed a guy at a beer garden in Munich the picture and he went, “What? That's you?”. He was very impressed. I hope. Don't worry, I’m not that much of a slut- I have “private” photos only men of my approval may see. I told Talulah about it and she suggested we do it together. So now we’re sugar babies, sorta. I text with the men and once they seem well adjusted I propose that I have a friend who is “interested in this type of arrangement”. Then they ask for a photo. Talulah doesn’t like having pictures of her taken, a belief we share. So, I send them one I took of her in my kitchen. In the photo, she is gazing blankly at the camera, trying to hold back laughter.

Talulah has accidentally become one of my closest friends. I feel like I’m in a movie when I’m with her. She's genetically cool. She grew up in Brooklyn surrounded by a carousel of artists that lived in her parent's spare room. She frequently launches into long tales about her mythical apartment. Once, she said, someone got married in it. Another story involved a group of Romanian folk dancers who were entrenched in a love triangle. Talulah has beautiful naturally bright blonde hair and amazing bangs. She doesn't even blow dry them. I’m so jealous. If I don't follow a diligent multi-step hair routine, I look like I grew up in an isolated forest and have never seen humans before. Talulah owns an insane amount of jeans but insists that she wears all of them equally. She likes really dark chocolate and peanut butter. She drinks a lot of wine. I feel so special when she wants to spend time with me; we do a lot together too. I think that Talulah is the type of girl guys get obsessed with. At clubs her eyes dart from person to person, occasionally stopping at mine. It looks like she's hunting. She dances a bit like a belly dancer. She moves fluidly, a stark contrast from the typical techno dancing of Berlin. I accept that I follow her around like a puppy. In all my past friendships, I always felt like the one pulling the strings. (An Effy and Pandora from Skins relationship ). But with Talulah I just sit back and let her find the fun. Ive but a lot of faith into her. I find myself spending so much time with her, more than any friend before. This is so exciting for me. Ive always wondered about this type of friendship. It’s a sort of exceptional bond that Ive only seen in movies, or the TV show skins. We made pancakes together once. Shell often break out into song and dance in front of me. This makes me feel awkward. Its so romantic but in this unnerving uncanny way. It doesn’t feel real, like Im a character in a movie.

The problem looming over our friendship is that we have to have sex together. While we were looking at my account, we laughed really hard. I think we were laughing at the sad absurdity of this get-rich-quick scheme. But we laughed really hard when it hit us that we’d have to fuck each other. Well, at least it took a moment to hit me. We promised that we would set time aside to practice. We even considered asking our lesbian friends for help with the matter. Im writing this a week after the events of this post and since then, we’ve made out twice. It was pretty sexy, cant lie. We were both fucked up at a club. I feel really awkward making out with someone on a dance floor. Especially kissing another very straight looking woman. It feels very tacky, attention seeking. But Talulah likes it, I think or at least doesn’t share my shame.

Anyway, back to our adventures: I met this guy on Seeking, his username is Apocalypse Now Later. His bio said he's an artist. He had some of his art on his profile; my mom would hate it. It looks a bit like Target art. Lots of abstract graphic blobs. Blobs shaped like buildings, naked women, and clubs. Some of the blobs were painted colors. Truly sensational. He was attractive, though, which is rare for the website. We planned to meet up with all three of us. I suggested a really expensive bar in Prenzlauer Berg. When we got there he was talking at the table behind him about the events he hosts. I stalked his facebook and knew that he hosts a Hebrew language reading/performance/show/I don’t really know what it is. Some kind of event where people go and look at their acquaintances do funny little shows or hang up blobby artwork on the wall. His outfit reminded me of something a boy my age would wear. He had on a loose patterned top, reminiscent of the 70s, over that was a similarly patterned black blazer. I think he dressed up for us. He might have had a scarf on but I can't remember. We sat down and immediately learned that his money does not come from art but in fact, from drugs; weed specifically, he grows and sells his own. He told us he grows around 3 kilos of weed a month. He grows weed in all his friend apartments. So, he is frequently just hanging out in other peoples apartments. I’m sure he gets a little money from his art, but no way is it enough to support the likely massive drug habit he has. Personally, I value an entrepreneurial spirit. Owning your own business is hard, especially an illegal one. Being a weed man requires, networking skills, organization, a vast knowledge of botany; It’s not easy work.

We learned that his name is Barak, he is from Israel, he is 40, was married for 9 years, currently, he has a partner, and they've been together for 4 years. 40 is really old, older than Uwe. 40 is double my entire life. He was my age in 1996. It’s also strange to be on a three-way date. At first, I felt like he liked Talulah more than me; she's prettier than me and just has this indescribable ethereal quality. (I mean that in a platonic way). But then I recited Israeli history to him like an autistic robot and I think that really charmed him. He kept telling me I was the funniest person he's ever met. If that is true, he must have had a boring past 40 years. We smoked two joints with him. He got into a tiff the owner of the bar about his weed. We stepped out to smoke the first joint. When we came back the man asked us if we were enjoying everything and then very politely asked us to walk across the street if we were going to smoke more. He said it was to be considerate of the neighbors. For whatever reason Barak insisted that it was not weed we smoked, but CBD, that he bought from the store down the road. For someone so brazen with weed smoking it was strange how annoyed he got, you would think this was a common occurrence. Or maybe be it annoyed him so much he gets angrier every time. I bet the latter.

We also did coke with him. It was my first time trying coke, it wasn't what I thought it was going to be like. It made my teeth feel tight, like when you put your retainer on for the first time in months. It also leaves a gross taste in the back of your throat. Damn you sinus system; always fucking shit up. Otherwise, I guess it’s a nice activity to do at a club. The drama of filing into a bathroom and preforming that intricate cocaine ritual. Immediately after he snorted his line, I asked him if he supports a two-state solution. It seems like he probably doesn't but I can tell he has some Israeli-guilt about it. He agreed when I said, “Too bad about Palestine”, so he’s at least a bit emphatic. Honestly, I can’t believe my luck. This is maybe the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. I feel like I’ve found my Berlin-fairy-Godfather. Who else can say they just walked into the most profitable relationship of their life? This is a reward from some higher power. I am Grateful! Thank you!

A couple of days later, Talulah and I were with him in Neukölln at his friend's apartment. An Italian-American hermit from Georgia named Nick owned the apartment; he's a chef that works with Irish people. I actually met him sometime after this night. (The context of that story is so bleak: I lost 4 molly pills and had to go crawling to him to get 4 more, long story). His been in Berlin for 11 years but miraculously sounds like a black teenager from Atlanta. It’s a beautiful sight. The apartment was very well-lit but almost completely barren. He had no table, just a small sofa. He had a computer desk and used a vintage trunk as a quasi-bench/dining room table. His kitchen was mechanical. He had no stove, just a hot plate. And only one set of cutlery, the universal mark of a terminally alone bachelor. Though, he had a large and impressive record collection. This time felt notably different than the last time. Barak was quieter, less suave, and more awkward. He was dressed tamer. He wore an intentionally garish patterned button up but toned it down with a black sweater. For pants, he had on simple khakis. He looked sort of like the sexy kind of history teacher. This time felt weirdly un-intimate like we were hanging out in an IKEA display. It wasn’t any of our homes, I felt like an intruder. The three-person part feels strange when one person leaves to go to the bathroom or leaves because there's a “client” downstairs. (When I was first texting with Barak, I thought his “clients' ' were art clients, they are in fact not that type of client). When Talulah left to pee there was a weird silence between us. Like two 12 year olds assigned to a group project. He emphatically- yet awkwardly- asked me how I was. I responded and probably spun into some complaint or general grievance to fill the silence. I wonder what Barak and Talulah talked about while I was peeing. Probably about how she was.

We ordered Indian food and ate it on the floor. It was pretty good but I got too nervous to eat, the most persisting trait from my days with a light eating disorder. I cant eat in-front of people, especially men. Its really stupid and annoying. It makes me look so dumb, when Im the only friend not eating. As always, can of worms for another day. Around 10, Talulah said she needed to go because she had class tomorrow. An early class is maybe the greatest excuse of all time. Actually, class at anytime is the best excuse. (Pro Tip: If you want to flake on someone at a time when you logically wouldn’t have class, like a Friday night, say you have to attend a special lecture or moving screening or someone other bull shit art fest your fake liberal arts college sends you do in lieu of real assignments) He then invited us to a club and said that he got us all on the guest list. I personally believe that it's important to take the opportunities life blesses you with. So, I put up a bit of resistance, mostly for show. “I really should be going soon, I have class tomorrow blah blah blah”. But ultimately, I agreed to go out with him. One thing about me is that no daytime engagement has ever stopped me from going out. I was excited at the idea of going somewhere on the guest list. It made me feel very fancy, like I was part of some inner circle.

When we got to the club there was no line. The bouncers took his name and showed us inside. The guest list didn’t get us in for free, he still had to pay a “reduced free”. The guest list isn’t some exclusive social club, its basically a rewards card. He seemed surprised that he had to pay. We went through the hassle of getting our bags “searched” and our cameras covered. This felt very humiliating. The lights were so bright and I felt awkward. Mostly because I was aware the staff might be thinking we look weird together. I remember one time a couple came into the restaurant I worked at. The man was maybe in his 50s and the woman was probably my age now. She was wearing a lot of pink and a playboy necklace . Another waitress and I tried to figure out if she was his date or daughter. Now, I am that girl. Thankfully we don’t look alike. God, maybe that makes it weirder then, because its obvious we are not a father and daughter enjoying some wholesome clubbing. He said he has been going to this club since it opened in 2014. I refrained from telling him that I was 11 in 2014. Berlin is definitely the best city in the world for clubbing yet clubs can be really uncreative in their interior design choices. Berlin clubs are either warehouse-themed or circus themed. This one was the ladder. Personally, I like a warehouse more than Cirque du Soleil. It’s way edgier. He led me to the bathroom and we did more coke; snorting drugs with a 40-year-old in a bathroom stall might be a sign that I’m not making the best choices. We sat on couches in a room next to the dance floor. He seems to be really charmed by my occasional spurts of autism. I told him how much I love drugs to which he responded by giving me 2cb or tusi. It seems to be just a random mix of other drugs, namely molly, ketamine, and LSD. He made me read the Wikipedia page beforehand, which is considerate, I guess. It wasn't as strong as I thought it was going to be. The visuals were mild, but the body sensations were strong. Whenever I take a psychedelic, I use the view of my hand as a gauge of the quality of drug. The club was, in its design, pretty trippy. There was a large replica of three Greek goddesses in the center of the room. With murals of chaotic scenes plastered on the walls. He was biting my ear and I felt an all-over tingling. The Wikipedia pages described it as “pins and needles”, which makes it sound like a bad thing. But the feeling was really good, good enough to make me forget that I am not really attracted to the 40-year-old kissing me. While we were making out, I wondered again what the people around us thought. Maybe this is a normal sight for 3 am at a club. But I couldn't shake the feeling that people were watching. Maybe they were judging me or maybe they were worried for me. There was a woman who kept making eye contact with me. I wonder if she was repulsed by his grey hairs and deepening wrinkles pressed up against my bright milky skin, untainted by decades of sun and smoking. She was probably just really drunk and staring into space, though.

Barak is a weird man. Considering how creepy this relationship is, he is surprisingly well-spoken, gentile, and thoughtful. It's impressive how relentlessly happy he is. He is eccentric to his core. He dresses like a character in a John Waters movie; decked out in layers of cheap flashy second-hand clothing. He gave me a vintage Yamaha racing jacket, he said it cost 7 euros. I found the same jacket on eBay and it's worth 170 euros. I gave the jacket to Talulah, I thought it was ugly. It's hard to not find myself charmed by his attention to detail. He doesn’t hold back compliments, he told me I was beautiful in an alien way. He seems so attracted to me. I cant lie, its made me more self confidant. I don’t know if its him or Berlin or the other guys Ive hooked up with but all of a sudden I feel so pretty. Ive never thought I was pretty. In fact, I used to think I was distinctly unattractive. I think most women my age probably have some insane unheard of face dysmorphia caused by years of selfie taking. Ive always liked my eyes the best, still I think they’re too hooded and downturned. I hate my cheeks, chin, and lips. My cheeks are full and make my face look fat. My chin is too small. My lips are uneven and thin. But now at certain angels, I can see the shape of something pretty emerging. When I look in the mirror I am starting to see what Barak might see. I wonder how different things might be if we were the same age.

After a couple of hours of staring blankly at lights on a dance floor, we went back to his friend's apartment. We snorted some coke in a cab then climbed up 4 flights of stairs. He's pretty active for a 40-year-old, clubbing and drug use will really keep a person young! The apartment felt different the second time. Nighttime made the lights glow warmer, the plants looked greener, and the pots and pans that decorated the wall were extra shiny. I was on a lot of drugs. I felt cozy but there was also a growing anxiety stirring in my stomach. He put on some smooth jazz, a choice that is both too on the nose yet also deeply off-putting . He started to kiss me and pushed me onto his lap. I sat straddling a man who could be my father. This made me think of my old high school boyfriends. I remember sitting on Kiran's lap and feeling a hard penis for the first time. He took my shirt off and then his. His beer belly pushed against my own stomach as he moved to the ground. “I want to lick you”, he said. Ew. Gross. I guess there is no better way to announce oral sex but wow lick is maybe one of the worst. At this moment, I felt an all too familiar anxiety wash over me. I didn't know what to say. I didn't really want to have sex with this guy. It was all wrong, Talulah wasn't here, I was super high, and worst of all I wasn't getting paid for it but I worried that if I fucked this up we would never see him again. And we need to see him again because he's our gateway to a wonderland of crazy party drugs. But I gave in to myself and told him I didn't want to have sex. He immediately pulled away from me and very enthusiastically told me it was ok. I think that liberal self-proclaimed feminist men enjoy boasting about how well they can handle rejection. As if it isn't a normal human response to be disappointed when someone rejects you.

I was cold and suggested moving off of the two-person sofa and into the bedroom. We smoked two more joints and I tried to fall asleep. He kept waking me up by massaging me. Eventually, he moved his hand down my tights and began to finger me. It's not like I was being assaulted, I knew I could stop him but I just didn't feel like it. I just wanted to lay there and sleep. The drugs were making me really turned on, I wanted him to keep going. But my brain wanted to sleep. So I just laid still and imagined I was a doll. He seemed so turned on, like probably the horniest person. Eventually, he did give me head because I didn't stop him. Every time I hook up with a man I assume that he’ll pick up on my lack of enthusiasm as a sign to stop but it never happens. Despite lying there like an extra on set for a zombie movie, he pressed on. My senses were completely overwhelmed. I've never felt so vulnerable before. I was completely stripped down both physically and emotionally. I told him in order to have sex I need to complete a complex shower routine, which is only sort of true. (I like being clean before sex but I don't have OCD or anything). I tell this lie to a lot of men in order to avoid having sex and he was the first to actually think about it. He told me that my body is not dirty and that it can actually be nice to shower with other people. I was stunned. I am not used to other people outsmarting me. God, how typical the 19-year-old girl thinks her only intellectual counterpart is a 40-year-old man. Sometimes, my life feels so played out.

After our rendezvous, I tried to fall asleep but he was snoring so loud. It sounded painful like he was dying. He would gasp for air for a bit and then he would almost choke on his own breath. He would do one big missive snore, so loud he would wake himself up. His nose is probably messed up from all the drugs. At a certain point, my nose became clogged, probably from all the drugs. Then we were, in sync, struggling to breathe. His music is still playing too. But at this point, the Spotify playlist had been on for long that it was playing Disney movie kind of jazz. Imagine the opening credits to The Princess and the Frog. The drugs were wearing off and I was increasingly aware of my own existence. I felt a headache coming. I hadn't been able to fall asleep at all but I knew my alarm would go off at 8:30 and he would wake up. All I had to do was just lay there for a bit longer. However, we were laying in a way that I was basically trapped in his arms, with his mouth right next to my ear. I was uncomfortable and couldn't move. I could tell it was daytime because the room was brighter. Waiting for the alarm was arduous. It could have been 8:27 or 6 am, I had no way of knowing. In hindsight, I don't know why I didn't wake him up. I wanted to pretend that his snoring wasn’t happening and that I was perfectly content in his arms. I think I wanted to feel alone for a little longer.

It was my lucky day because he soon woke himself up. I felt his hard dick on my back. He commented that it was so nice sleeping with me. He asked me if he could rub himself on me. Instead, I turned around and gave him a blowjob, mostly because I felt it was the polite thing to do. He came quickly, which was also polite of him. He offered to go get breakfast but I said I don't eat breakfast. I actually love breakfast I just really wanted to go home. I did prolong my stay by taking a cold shower with useless organic soap. (My shower is currently broken, beggars can't be choosers).

Some time has passed since this night and I've seen Barak again a couple of times. Each time is weirder than the last. Once I went to an apartment he was renovating to pick up pills. I think he’s using the renovation as a way to hide the over 40 weed plants growing in the master bedroom. Another time I went out with Talulah and him. Talulah went home with a guy from the club. Barak took me to his friend's apartment where he grows weed. He tucked me into bed, whispered, “I want to eat your pussy”, kissed my forehead, then left. This is maybe the most profitable and strange relationship I’ve ever had. I love it.

#sugardaddy #sugarbaby #berlin #diary #journal #thoughts

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keefwho · 1 year

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February 19 - 2023

8:28 AM

I always pride myself for not listening to strangers’ negative opinions about me since they are never based on something meaningful. But on the flip side, I can’t enjoy positive opinions either for the same reason. Having a stranger tell me I’m valid as a person or something means absolutely nothing to me because they don’t know anything about me. This all feels like another thing that alienates me from other people. I don’t know if I’m supposed to care more about strangers’ opinions or if I’m fine where I’m at.

I have this bacon to cook still but I’m nervous to. I wouldn’t be as nervous if it had been stored properly on the way here. The problem isn’t that it’s raw right now. Its that I’m not totally sure how cold it stayed on the way home. It should be fine because it felt quite cool when it got here. It also wasn’t out for terribly long in general. But if I’m going to handle challenging food like this, I want things to be near perfect. I don’t want to throw the bacon out because I think it’s severely unlikely anything is actually wrong with it.

1:30 PM

Today I am lonely, bored, and sad. The perfect mix of things to foster anxiety about nothing, which I am also feeling. I’ve been thinking too much lately. Putting too much effort into trying to fix stuff like this. Sometimes I think it might be better to give up and not think about anything for a little bit.

3:10 PM

Im just admitting this to myself. I fucking hate myself right now and it prevents me from having genuine interaction. I don’t know what to do aside from isolate myself until I feel better. It only seems responsible, but only if I do it right. Why do I have so much trouble loving myself?

4:35 PM

I was starting to think I was the problem, then I remember I KNOW I’m the problem. I let one of my closest friendships die. Last night a friend was really depressed and I probably only made it worse. There’s a reason I can’t find people to hang out with on demand. No one wants to be around someone like me. Another friend is upset about something and my heart breaks if I had anything to do with it.

I’m afraid I am irreparably fucked up. Maybe I’m truly a bad person deep down. Maybe I don’t deserve friendship, companionship, or happiness in general. Maybe it’s all pointless.

8:41 PM

I sure have enjoyed wasting my entire evening being depressed beyond comprehension. I should message my friends but I don’t have the will or energy to do anything tbh. Another reason I’m a piece of shit I guess.

8:58 PM

On top of it all my tummy hurts. Im assuming it’s because of how I blew myself earlier but my temperature is also reading up to 99.1. Not a real fever by any means but I never read that high at this time while I’m chillin. Unlike last time my temperature read this high, I’m not really panicking. I’m slightly concerned but logic tells me that I can’t be “sick”. Where would I have gotten anything? Unless it was by extraordinary circumstances. I don’t have other symptoms either. My tummy is upset because of things physically moving through me in a way my body doesn’t like due to what I did earlier. The temperature is probably a fluke and all I can do is check it again in about an hour.

9:41 PM

The best way I can describe how I feel in times like this is soulless and empty. There are times where I feel in touch with myself but they are not often. More often I feel like I’m living a very fragile life. I have trouble believing everything is okay and I frequently imagine everything that can go wrong until I believe it’s my future. Today has been like that. All I can see are the negatives.

9:59 PM

I’m just MAD. At myself. Why am I so confused? I never used to be this confused about myself. Maybe I never knew who I was or wanted to be. Maybe thats why episodes of extreme sadness have been with me since high school. I know everyone gets sad but I get truly depressed. I have reached some very dark places and it’s all because something is wrong that has gone unsolved for so long. I feel like I’m in the middle of shattering everything I know about myself. I only hope it results in something better in the end.

Maybe I’m experiencing a form of ego death. Lately I have much less grasp on the things like I like and how my relationships are. I used to base everything on and cling to recent memories and significant older ones but now I feel like I have no history. I don’t like it because I enjoy honoring past experiences but I haven’t been able to do that lately. I feel like everything in my life requires constant upkeep to hold onto it, partly because I can’t seem to believe some things will stick around simply because I put the time in. Everything feels brand new and like I have to make a good impression.

10:34 PM

I tend to play by my own ruleset instead of feeling things out. Maybe I need to listen to my heart more. I suppress so much, even stuff that doesn’t matter. I’m always trying to do things “right” by my brain’s standard. I end up neglecting my true desires. But at the risk of sounding edgy, I feel like I’ve silenced my heart enough that it’s hard for it to speak up. I always have this problem. I don’t KNOW what I want. I feel no desire but it must be there.

12:18 AM

I realized today that I would unknowingly draw smut as a way to vent. I say unknowingly because what I thought was just horny posting was actually me channeling my feelings of worthlessness into degenerate content. Sometimes when I feel like that, I do horny stuff to escape or degrade myself. It feels good. I don’t even think it’s unhealthy, its just something I realized I do. I don’t see anything wrong with it.

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crepuscollo · 1 year

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i will always hate my mom. even when everyone around me loves her and/or enjoys her company, i will never be on their side.

she shouldve established this connection with me when i was a child. not when i was a teenager. i have very little memories of me as a kid but i am so sure that even then, i didnt feel close to her or loved or accepted by her.

i always think maybe theres a deep meaning to how my parents raised me which deeply affected me and thats my “trauma”. but right now im thinking maybe i had such an incomprehensibly ugly childhood where i was so used to blaming my parents (especially my mom ofcourse. i always say my dad never rlly came into my life and i never even knew him or got along with him until we had to stay in alone in kuwait for a week together that one summer. it was really weird. i was shy and scared and awkward but im so much more comfortable now and hes so much more present.).

anyway, i was saying maybe i blamed everything on my parents because it was all i could do. and maybe they allowed it too much, like they do with my brother. its not like they could fix everything, not by magic. but i think i always hoped that they could take all the pain away, just by a hug, if i was lucky enough to get one.

i have no idea why ive been that way since i was soo young. since year 5 and 6 ive had such ugly trouble with opening up to my mom. i remember 2 specific times when i opened up about spiderman 1 and orange-f and she didnt seem to get me either time and i think she told me to stop being friends with orange-f. or she told me orange-f is a bad person… thats not what i needed to here about my closest friend. i needed help dealing with it not cutting her off. jesus christ why did she have to be so logical and religious all the time? maybe my mum never understood me or got me even when i was younger. maybe shes been making my bad days feel worse since forever, so i dont even remember putting these walls between us or forming these coping mechanisms. theyve always just been there.

another thing from my ugly childhood: my best friend. that ugly person i loved the most and never could let go of since day one, even when i felt like i resent and despise her and when i hated everything about her and tried my best not to become her and when i knew i deserved better and when i felt so alone and rejected and hated and judged and misunderstood. she was so fucking toxic. and i needed help. and my school community was so toxic. and i needed help. and i had no one to talk to. since day one. and i needed help. not a parent, not a friend, not even my sister. and i needed help. but no one was there to help.

i guess thats a reason why i always seeked attention. and when i find others getting more attention and validation for doing the same things as me or maybe less things or maybe nothing at all, it makes me feel small and less and invalidated and ridiculous and pathetic and unseen. maybe thats why i used to SH in yr7. it wasnt a way to let the pain out, it was a way to make the pain visible when i was screaming for help and no one saw it. WHY CANT THEY SEE THE PAIN? WHY IS NO ONE HELPING? WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING? CANT YOU SEE? im in so much pain.

i might not know why i used to suffer such great and unforgettable pain, or why a lot of it still lingers. but just because the reason is not clear does not invalidate me. i will let go of this burning desire to understand myself. because i dont need to explain myself. i can feel things without explaining them to anyone. without explaining the feeling and without explaining the reasons. its okay not to understand and to take your time understanding.

ive always felt like escaping kuwait would help me get better and improve my mental health and make it a lot less fucking draining to keep myself up and out of that dark black hole. maybe thats because this is where i felt all my pain, and to move on and let go, i need to move to somewhere new. with new places to see and make memories in and new people to experience things with. i need to be away from my parents and my friends and establish new, better, healthier connections.

ive really truly never written a post as intensely felt and genuine or authentic as this one. everything i wrote is so godamn real and true. god, this made me realise a lot of things. i dont think i still fully comprehend why my mum taking care of me emotionally has been tarnished since fucking forever but thats okay. i just know thats the way it is and thats enough. its valid. not everything needs a clear, logical explanation.

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flunkisflunk · 2 years

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i ended all my long term friendships; two 7 year ones, three 5-6 year ones. a 3 year one too, i guess, because she hasnt been responding. all of my close friends. i got so caught up in my gradual descent back to my worst habits that i didnt even realize how i had been hurting them; it took an audio message from the young woman i had considered to be my soulmate(platonically) for me to fucking wake up from my stupor, after i didnt even text her despite her being fucking bedridden with covid, her telling me shes gonna start prioritizing herself and her own worth,saying that in our little 3 person group, that existed inside another larger friend group, i had always liked the other girl more. at first, i didnt even believe it was that serious. then the next morning, it clicked, with her second message, a reply to my apology, and my insistece that i loved her: “i lovED you, but right now, its hard.” , and i broke, fully and utterly -- for a few hours, before all feeling left me again and there was nothing left at all. i didnt quite know what to do, especially considering the wider implications it had for our very tight-knit friend group, but i wasnt the only one in deep shit; my other closest friend, my oldest friend, the 3rd person, was also being accused of similar negligence and attention hoarding(and some other shit i didnt quite get but idk). she was the reason i texted my other friend in the first place to receive the message i did, after she had called me crying. i just remembered, as im typing this, that i had soothed her on the call, saying that it wasnt that serious, and i would never stop loving her, and i would never leave her. at least one of those things is true.

and then we went on that trip, where most of the friend group couldnt even go, because they had, as mentioned, covid, but my oldest friend was one of the people who came along, along with another girl from the group, who was the kind of mom friend/leader. it was awkward, sure, but we got over it. my oldest friend response to the situation must have been much better than mine bc it seemed to me like she had a chance at actually repairing the rift.

so one of the nights when im alone and the others are out, i call one of the friends that couldnt come bc of covid, who was also the boyfriend of the girl who sent the voice message that started it all, who i was so close with that i had been using his spotify for years, and who, despite being male, i felt very comfortable around -- he really is a sweetheart. one of the first things i asked him is if we were still friends -- “its complicated” -- if we were gonna stay friends “it depends on your behavior towards {my girlfriend} and {other people}”. i ended the call by telling him i loved him. he did not reply.

it was in that moment i realized that i couldnt fix this, that the level of hurt i caused was beyond acceptable. i had been such a terrible friend and person that the person who had swore to always love me, no matter what, no longer did. one of the kindest, most forgiving people i knew no longer knew how to deal with me. everybody was hurt and no one had said anything, just bottling it up inside bc they didnt want to cause a sense, despite how i treated them. and the worst part is: i dont even remember. i dont know what i did. i cant even remember the months leading up to this, manic and consumed as i was. i cant even remember my fuck ups, because i was so self obsessed. gd im so fucking disgusting.

i went on to have the worst mental breakdown of my life. like im talking absolutely fucking mental; i was screaming, crying, yelling -- i yelled at myself in the mirror for 40 minutes straight-- slammed my head against the edge of a door til my skin broke. i couldnt calm down. i was so outta control. and when youre outta control like that, theres only one thing you can do to calm down, and luckily i had something there to use.

so i calmed myself down, went to bed, prayed that i did miss any blood spots, and woke up the next morning to the familiar feeling of nothing. i knew for my oldest friend, her integration into the group would be easiest if i wasnt a wart on her side-- not to mention the hurt i had caused her too over the years. as the trip came to an end, on our last day, as it was just the two of us walking at the beach, i turned to my her and told her that after we returned home, we would probably no longer be friends. she asked me “what? so we’re no longer friends now?” and i replied “no. we still have today.” and we did. and then we returned home.

the next interaction i had was when i cancelled going to a friends birthday(a member of the friend group). the person id always thought of as my soulmate messaged me to tell me to pull myself together, call our friend and tell him i actually can go, and go, to not leave him hanging. i didnt reply. i wasnt going to ruin his party with my drama, and its not like my presence was a make-or-break for the party -- they were going to have fun anyways. later she wrote me that i always do this, leave people hanging like this, and it devolved into a larger argument of me apologizing and explaining my reasons, and her calling me out that my words were empty without action and that they sounded like a preachers sermon. it was the moment i told her i wasnt just ending my friendships with all of them, but also my oldest friend, the one shed accused me of loving more than her, that i think it really clicked in her head that i was serious. that this wasnt a gag, or something i was doing for attention, but i was really going to cut all ties, bloody and messy. it was then she told me something very sweet, she said: “ if this is what you think is best for you, fine. but i hope you hear a little {me}-voice in your head telling you not to do this. take care of yourself, and if you ever need anything, we’ll be here for you.” and that cracked something inside of me to know that even after all of this, her heart was still big enough to extend this kindness to me. shes such a wonderful person, really.

our next interaction, the last actual one really, was at the birthday of the aforementioned mom friend/leader of the group. i spent the first half of the night saying nothing, sitting there like my mouth was wired shut, which was probably very unnerving to everyone else there considering usually i didnt know how to shut the fuck up, drinking a fuckton on my two day empty stomach, and i got wasted. the person who came to me in that moment, as i sat there alone on a bench, was a person who i hadnt accounted for in all my imagined versions of how that night would go; the mom friends boyfriend, who ive known forever and is such a sweet person (i would always joke that they were my second parents) came and talked to me, and i, i completely broke down, sobbing loudly. i was wasted.

i asked to move to the bench that was secluded from the rest of the garden because i felt guilty for disturbing the party, and we did. moments later though my two oldest friends showed up, and so i sent him away so we could talk. i honestly do not remember much. they were sober, i was wasted, trying to have this serious conversation, and when i pointed out how unfair that was, my soulmate correctly stated that i never would have had this conversation sober. i laughed, because she was right. i would have run away. i couldnt stop crying while laughing, almost just screaming with the intensity of it. i realized that the worst part wasnt that we wouldnt be friends anymore, or we wouldnt be seeing each other anymore. the worst part, aside from the obvious fact of how much hurt id caused them, was that they still loved me. all of them. from the depths of their hearts they still cared, and they didnt want these friendships to end, and they were scared for me. thats what got me, thats what completely shattered my heart. i even recall that the conversation had a positive end, like we might be friends again. after getting home i sent the girl who started it all the google doc containing the short story id written about my feelings on all this hoping it might explain my feelings better. aside from that and a few basic messages asking to return possessions, etc.; i have not talked with any of them.

its been a month. i have a new friend group that one of the 3 people i didnt cut out of my life introduced me too, and theyre nice, and easygoing (stoners, yk).

and i think i have to retract my earlier statement because i think what the worst part really is, is that now, despite all these memories and over half a decades worth of love, despite everything; i feel absolutely fine.

#i know people dont read these but just in case:#tw self harm mention #tw disordered eating mention

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hotch-stufff · 3 years

Text

Love is Complicated

gifs by hqtchner & ncis-season-

Pairing: Hotch x reader, Gibbs x reader

Warnings!: angst, pining, kissing, fluff

Request: "well i was thinking about a criminal minds x ncis crossover, where the reader has a big crush on gibbs but then she meets hotch and she is really confused 😿" @wolviesbabes

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Your hand scribbled yet another word on the endless stack of paperwork that littered your desk. It really did never end. You set your pen down. You needed a break. You looked up and your eyes instantly found him. He was hunched over his desk, probably doing the same thing you were doing.

But God, did he look good doing it. Although in your opinion he looked good doing just about everything.

You noticed that about him over the past couple months on the NCIS team. You had been transfered from another similar unit in New Orleans on the recommendation of Dwayne Pride himself. Gibbs was quick to accept you to the unit, but he remained cold to you for the first couple of weeks. It wasn't until you saved him from a, for lack of better words, crazy gunman did he warm up to you.

After that, you two had gotten extremely close. So close that you developed a small crush on the man. Although, you hid it rather well. No one, atleast not to your knowledge, knew about your crush. And you intended on keeping it that way, but it was so hard when he was just sitting right in front of you, looking all handsome and just... him.

You wanted to tell him. You really did. But he was way out of your league, and you weren't even his type. But a girl could dream.

Vance suddenly came out of his office and called Gibbs up. He stood slowly and walked away. You prayed this wasn't a case. You really did not feel like dealing with a case right now.

He came back out a few moments later, a scowl on his face.

"What is it Gibbs?" You asked, he jerked his head towards Vance's office.

"He wants the team to attend an interagency gala on Saturday night." You scoffed. Of course he did. "FBI, CIA, and NCIS teams are all expected to attend. Including us." His scowled deepened at the thought of having to deal with other agencies.

"Great, just great." And you were so looking forward to a quiet weekened.

* * *

The night of the gala had arrived much quicker than expected. And of course Abby had insisted on going shopping for dresses. She herself had gotten a long black dress, with a slit. She said she would add a few things to make it more like her, and you couldn't wait to see it. You had gone with a more subtle dress. A long emerald green dress, with spaghetti straps and an open back. The front dipped slightly.

You had brought it with you to the office so you could get ready with Abby and as you were heading to the elevator to go to her floor, you heard Gibbs on the phone. Now you weren't one to eavesdrop, but you really couldn't stop yourself.

"I know, I know, it won't take long. I promise. Bye." Was he with someone else? You stood there frozen as he emerged from the room he was in.

"Hey y/n. Whatchtya doin?" He asked suspiciously.

"Oh, um nothing Gibbs, thought I heard you and wanted to say bye before we left, I didnt think you would actually go to the gala tonight, so I thought I could just stop in and-" he cut you off.

"Slow down, you're rambling. You okay?" You needed to get out of there.

"Yup, just been a long day. Alright well bye." You rushed off to Abby office. Once you got there, she instantly asked what was wrong. You explained everything. Your feelings, the conversation you heard, just everything.

"Awe, y/n/n. I'm so sorry. He's stupid if he doesn't see whats right in front of him." That made you smile.

"We should get ready." You stated standing up to grab your dress.

2 hours later, you and Abby walked up stairs looking amazing if you did say so yourself. Wolf whistles were heard coming from Tony as you two walked towards the group. You rolled your eyes, catching Gibbs smirk.

His eyes dragged up and down your body, which had confused you greatly. He had never showed any interest in you before, why now? Maybe he had and was just better at hiding it.

"Well, we should get going." You nodded, you all walked out to the SUVs ready for the night ahead of you.

* * *

The gala was interesting to say the least. Each agency decided to stay away from eachother, like elementary students. Each group taking up their own circle around the room.

You had spotted a rather handsome man who you had recognized as Aaron Hotchner sitting at the FBI tables and couldn't seem to take your eyes off of him. You new you had feelings for Gibbs,, but something about this man just drew you in. You had previously met him on a conjoined case with your old team, and you had developed the smallest of crushes on the man. You never expected anything to happen, and he was only in New Orleans for about a week.

Suddenly Gibbs popped back into your head, and you huffed slightly, turning to search for him. Finding him at a table nearby, talking with a woman. You scoffed and he looked over at you.

In a moment of impulse, you tunred away and walked across the empty dance floor straight to Agent Hotchner. He looked up from his conversation as you neared his table.

"Hi, NCIS Agent Y/l/n. We worked together on the Williams case about a year back." He nodded in recognition.

"Of course. Its great to see you again agent y/l/n." He paused looking you up and down in a way you welcomed. "Can I help you with something." He asked, not unkindly at all, but rather friendly.

"I was wondering if you would like to dance." He raised an eyebrow at you. "Someone's got to break the chill in this room." He nodded and stood up slowly, his team staring on in awe. You figured he didn't do this very often.

"I would love to." He took your hand bringing you to the dance floor as another song began. You two danced for about 10 minutes before more couples began to join you. You smiled in triumph and Hotchner laughed at your face.

"What? It worked didn't it?" He smiled shaking his head.

"I suppose it did." You two began talking and laughing and just getting to know each other. You soon found yourself at a table as you continued with your conversation.

"Okay but, im just saying if Strauss is anything like Vance, they would be perfect together." He laughed at this rather loudly, catching the eyes of a few people near by.

"That would never happen. If Vance is anything like Strauss they would drive each other crazy." You giggled softly. Soon it was time to leave, and Agent Hotchner, or Aaron as he had asked you to call him, offered to walk you to your SUV where the rest of your team was waiting. They all eyed you as this strange man walked you over, handing you a card and pressing a soft kiss to your cheek. You had blushed profusely and walked over, getting in the car.

"So y/n, whos the hottie?" Abby began interrogating you as soon as you shut your door.

"Thats Agent Hotchner. He's the Unit Chief of the FBI's BAU." You smiled to yourself.

"Must be an ass if he's from the FBI." Gibbs remarked, another scowl gracing his face.

"He was actually quite the gentlman." Was your only response before turning to look out the window. Gibbs was the one being an ass. You had just spent the night with a wonderful man and Gibbs just had to ruin it by spouting some snarky comment that only confused you more. The rest of the ride was spent in silence.

* * *

Once back at the office, Gibbs had called you to the elevator, not giving you a chance to respond. You had of course listened, and as soon as the doors shut, he had pulled the emergency button.

"What is it Gibbs?" You asked softly. He just walked closer to you, cupping your face. "What are you doing?" He leaned in slowly bringing his lips to yours.

And you had expected it to be perfect and explosive and passionate. But... it wasn't. He pulled away after only a moment.

"Hang on, let me try that again." And he leaned in once more, pressing his lips to yours. But once again, there was nothing. He pulled away.

"That was ... strange?" He asked, more to himslef than anything.

"I uh, that-that was-"

"Not what I was expecting." He finished for you.

"You know Gibbs, I've been pining over you for months, and I'm guessing you felt the same. But I think we both met someone else tonight that changed our minds." You recalled him spending the whole night side by side with the woman you had seen earlier. You smiled shyly at him. "Call that woman you were with tonight. Tell her you want to go out on a date." He smiled looking into your eyes.

"Only if you call Agent Hochie, or whatever his name was, and tell him the same." You laughed at not only his comment, but the absurdity of the situation. For the past 5 months you had been yearning for a man who ended up not being what you wanted at all. It made you think that maybe what you really wanted, what you both really wanted, was someone to love. So you latched on to the person who had become closest to you.

"I love ya y/n." He whispered as he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

"I love you too Gibbs. Now go get her." He stepped out of the elevator, pulling out his phone. You did the same, pulling out Aaron's card. It rang once. Twice.

"Hotchner." You giggled at his formal greeting. Taking a deep breath before going for it.

"Hey Aaron, I was just wondering if you were up for dinner?" He smiled.

"Of course. You know, I'm really glad you called."

"Me too." And you walked out of your office that night, a date with a man you had never expected, and a smile on your face.

-------

Not sure how I feel about this one, but I loved the request. Let me know what you guys think!! Thanks for reading! Requests are still open, so ask away! If you would like an idea of what to request, here is my prompt list, and if you would like to read more of my work, here is my masterlist.

#hotch x reader #gibbs x reader #jethro gibbs x reader #aaron hotchner x reader #ncis imagine #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds #ncis #gibbs #hotch #Jethro Gibbs #Aaron Hotchner #angst #fluff #reader insert #imagine

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burnedbyshoto · 3 years

Text

sleeping beauty

— You struggle to find a time to have sex with your beloved Aizawa. Unfortunately or fortunately, the only time you can fuck him is when he’s deep asleep.

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pairing: aizawa shouta x yandere fem!reader

warnings: 18+, smut, pwp, yandere!reader, non-con somnophilia, hairy aizawa rights, recording

word count: 4,201

a/n: mark ur calendar, im getting my nipples pierced nov 8. you bet ur ass imma write a bunch of nipple pierced readers from there on out. pray that my family never finds out about my nipples tho LMAO if they do,,, it;ll be ripped out of my boobies without a seconds hesitation

kinktober day 19 main kink: somnophilia | kinktober masterlist

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Aizawa was always busy.

Over the past ten years of knowing him, the two of you had been close. You were a good friend to him, someone he wouldn’t absolutely avoid at all costs when you walked through the hallways of UA, someone he wouldn’t mind rambling to him about their long day. Of course, you knew that you weren’t his closest friend, and to a certain degree, that upset you.

You had met Aizawa when you had first been a high school student; at the time, you were merely fifteen years old. He was twenty, only five years older than you, but he took your breath away from the first team-up. He had been tall, dark, and brooding, and your little coming out of an emo phase heart stood no chance. But, due to the age discrepancy, he was never anything more than a team member. Still, you held on.

You graduated from high school, made your impact as a sidekick, graduated to a Pro Hero, and offered a job at UA by the time you were twenty! So, for the past five years, you and Aizawa had been actual co-workers, and better yet, friends.

Aizawa indeed was one of a kind.

He still held the key to your emo school girl fantasy daydream, but you also discovered new sides and angles of him. You learned he was incredibly kind, thoughtful, and looked out for everyone, even if his gruff and sometimes rude mannerisms spoke otherwise. Although he tried to avoid any type of nonsensical drama like the plague, he was always caught up in it, which often amused you.

There was so much about Aizawa that you loved, so much that you adored and looked up to that it was no surprise that you figured your feelings of respect and admiration became love.

True, deep love.

As a third-year teacher at UA, you found that your interactions with Aizawa were quite limited. Not only because he was always being placed with a first-year class and said class moving on without him — something that only happened because he kept expelling the damn students — but because he was incredibly close with the first-year teachers.

You loved Present Mic and Midnight and All Might, don’t get it wrong! Your admiration, love, and respect for them were unprecedented, but you hated how much of Aizawa’s time they took.

“Sorry, Mic needs help with lesson plans for my class,” Aizawa apologized for postponing your lunch date, not a date.

“Sorry, Midnight needs help separating the problem children. Apparently, they’re growing an immunity to her quirk,” Aizawa grumbled, shoving his phone into his pocket before leaving your office where you both had been talking and drinking tea.

“Sorry, All Might—”

“It the class, your problem children, I get it,” you force a smile onto your face, trying not to show just how irritated and disappointed you were on how these days were going. Aizawa pauses for a second, his tired, dried out eyes trying to read and uncover the depths of emotions swimming in your eyes before he sighs and runs off.

But it went without saying that the people you hated most were Class 1-A.

The damn stupid, fucking, ungrateful class had already caused your beloved Aizawa to be hospitalized. The scar under his eye, a numbing reminder that you had nearly lost him, almost had to cry at his coffin with your feelings never once being uttered. They, without a doubt, took up his time the most.

He saw potential in all of them, none of them being failed or expelled by him thus far.

He spent countless hours up in the dead of night tracking each and every one of his student’s potential. Slaving away at his tablets to make sure that they all were feeling safe, heroic, and above all, they were headed to their individual greatness. So, although it would be two more years before you would have the opportunity to teach this class, you already had a vendetta against Midoriya Izuku and Bakugou Katsuki. Those little shits always taking up your precious Aizawa’s time! He had never been this tired prior to them showing up!

But you never tried to think about it when you were with him.

You tried to openly accept your Aizawa’s new, incredibly busy schedule, and the moment the dorms appeared within UA, you found yourself more at ease.

To be frank, since you acknowledged your love for Aizawa at the mere age of twenty, and now at twenty-five, you had never taken on a lover or a one night stand. For years you had not allowed a person to grace you in bed or in their arms. It felt like you were betraying your love, and you would rather die than let that happen.

But the thing is, you are human, entirely susceptible to waves of uncontrolled horniness and lust.

In the beginning, sex toys worked.

You would press a vibrator to your clit, your toes digging into the mattress as your other hand shoved a silicone dildo into your aching, needy cunt. At first, it worked! You would cum with the thoughts of Aizawa being the dildo buried deep within you.

But eventually, you would find yourself at the peak of that orgasm, you knew the orgasm was right beyond the bend, just a step more, but you couldn’t get there. For weeks you realized that the vibrator, the dildo, and your fantasy thoughts weren’t enough. So, in your frustration, you began to search up audio plays of his narration at UA Sports Festival. Listening to his voice, ignoring Mics’ voice, to help coax you over that bend.

For a while, you were back to normal. Your highs and juices splattering all over your bed, a symbol of your lust and love for Aizawa as you gasped his name, wishing that the audio was real. But eventually, even the audios weren’t enough.

You craved Aizawa’s warmth, the feeling of his rough stubble against your sensitive skin, the throbbing of his cock buried deep within your womb, undoubtedly kissing your cervix. You wanted him; you needed your beloved.

As if by the grace of God, the moment you could no longer bring yourself to cum through that alone, the dorm system was put into place. And you, a teacher, were required to live on campus too. You tried not to think of Aizawa being a dorm away, tried not to feel the warmth fluttering under your skin when the two of you bid goodnight for the day.

You definitely tried to stay out of his room in the middle of the night.

God, you wish you could say that you stayed out of his room, but that would be a lie.

A big fat fucking lie.

It had started out innocently enough, you will claim.

You would see the exhausted man wave goodnight, grumbling that he needed to sleep now or else he would not wake up on time for homeroom tomorrow morning. You waved goodnight to him, trying to stay engrossed in a conversation you were having with Hound Dog. But an hour after Aizawa had gone to bed, you found yourself rushing away from the common room, explaining you had something to grade as you bid everyone goodnight.

Without a doubt, you ended up in Aizawa’s room that night.

In the darkness of the night, you watched the moonlight barely breach the thickness of his curtains to fall onto his face. You felt so warm as you stared at his slumbered face, your cheeks flushed as you watched his parted, chapped lips. You felt so light watching his chest rise and fall in a hypnotizing rhythm, reminding you that he is real, so very, very real. A part of you aching, knowing that he was entirely real and yet not yours. But still, you admired the way he looked so young, so intense, so ethereal as he dreamed.

You loved him.

Eventually, when you decided to leave, you pressed a kiss to his lips, smiling at the way his lips were exactly as you had imagined:

Supple, warm, and tasting of his mint toothpaste.

But the nightly visits didn’t stop there.

Most nights, you found yourself in his room, laying by his side, merely watching as he slept. No orgasm in the world felt quite as fulfilling as the quiet that came with just watching the over-exhausted Aizawa sleep.

But this is not a story of simple love, no, not at all.

Eventually, you began to grow bold. Your fingers sinking into your wet cunt, playing with your sensitive clit as you watched him sleep. You bit your lip to keep yourself from moaning as a rasped breath expelled from his mouth. You nuzzled into the warmth of his body heat through at you and only prayed he would one day acknowledge and return your affections.

To be quite honest, you’re not sure when you began to suck him off too.

Maybe it was the first time his cock grew long and hard in the middle of the night, his mind undoubtedly having a wet dream. So, as his beloved, you only thought it was appropriate to give his body what he wanted. With the skills and intentions that could only arise from being a gifted Pro Hero, you pulled the blankets from his body and pushed his cock through the slit in his boxers, and took him all in your mouth.

His cock was absolutely mouthwatering too.

So big, so thick, so incredibly veiny that you nearly lost all control the first time you saw it in all its glory. He was better than any dildo you owned, his scent alone driving you crazy. And so, as you should, you began to fuck him, completely addicted to his aroma, taste, and touch.

After the first night, you continued to blow him. Continued to suck him off as Aizawa let out sleepy moans, grunts that were strained, his body shifting unknowingly as you continued to go up and down his length, continuing to relieve him of his stress.

But you were human.

A human with needs and desires, and eventually, his cum coating your throat and filling your stomach wasn’t enough anymore. Which is where we find ourselves now, unashamedly fucking Aizawa each and every night, your cunt swallowing him whole, without a single shred of doubt of what was wrong with this.

There wasn’t anything wrong with this, and you knew that even if he was asleep the entire time you fucked him, it was for the better.

“Wow, Eraser!” Mic yelled from your side as you sat on the couch next to your beloved best friend. “You look like you’re glowing!”

Looking up from your phone, attempting to portray yourself as curious and unknowing, you found your gaze falling onto Aizawa, who had returned from an early evening training session with his class. As a matter of fact, Aizawa’s face was glowing; he looked incredibly much more relaxed, much more than he has been since the beginning of this semester.

“What do you mean?” Aizawa asked, evidently unimpressed as a lone eyebrow raised.

You watched on quietly, lips pressing to your cup as you took a drink of your tea as he sank onto a seat in front of you.

“Wait, don’t tell me, listeners!” Mic gasped dramatically, his hands pressing to his cheeks as he stood up. His expression of shock and disbelief curling and becoming one of knowing and understanding. “Does our grouchy, one and only, Aizawa Shouta, a.k.a. Eraserhead, have a special someone?!”

“Mic—” Aizawa snapped, his eyebrows furrowing.

“There definitely has been an after-sex glow that Eraser has had for the past few weeks. He did say that he’s been feeling more… ahem, relaxed,” Midnight gasped, seemingly appearing from nowhere, incredibly interested in the rumor of Aizawa having sex.

“Just because I’ve been feeling less tense doesn’t mean that I’m having sex.”

You giggled into your cup as the three of them began arguing, Mic and Midnights naturally loud noise quickly drowning out Aizawa’s fruitless attempts to shut down any sexscapades they were coming up with.

“Y/h/n, what do you think?!” Mic yelled, his hand pointed at you as if holding a microphone as Aizawa had him pressed and tangled within his capturing weapon. “Is Shouta-chan having sex?!”

Yes, your mind begs to say, but your mouth curls into a teasing smile, eyes locking onto Aizawa’s annoyed golden ones.

“I don’t think there’s anyone on this earth that Aizawa currently wants to fuck six feet into the mattress when he’s so busy,” you chide, your smile never entirely disappearing. At the same time, you take a long slow drink from your cup while everyone else (Mic only, really) continued to scream.

But you stayed there for the rest of the evening, working in silence with the rest of the group as next week’s lessons were laid out. Through a persistent, entirely stubborn will, Mic managed to get Aizawa to admit that he hasn’t had sex since the time he lost his virginity, to which Mic admitted to having had sex via orgies only. Midnight proudly announcing that she had a side piece at her disposal.

So as you checked through your lesson plans for the ethics book your students would be reading next week, you shouldn’t have been surprised to see their expectant gazes on you.

“I had sex last night,” you admit, unable to lie under their amused gazes.

“WITH WHO?! ARE YOU SNEAKING SOMEONE ON CAMPUS?!”

For the rest of the night, you smiled brightly, laughing with the rest of them all as talks and stories revolving around sex filled the air. It lasted until past midnight, and with a heavy sigh, Aizawa excused himself first. You waved goodnight, and soon Midnight left, followed by Mic.

You stayed on the couch, your own attention focused heavily on the time and not what you were supposed to be doing. It didn’t take much before the time faded from 00:00 to 01:45, and with a brush of your skirt, you headed precisely where you wanted and needed to be.

The walk to his second-floor room filled you with lust. Your body, like some Pavlovian dog, trained and knowing that you were about to fuck the love of your life while he slept. He was so beautiful while he slept, a true sleeping beauty. You especially thought he was stunning when he bit his lower lip, stifling a moan despite his heavy slumber.

Without so much as a second thought, you apparated into his room, your feet cushioned by the soft carpet of his room. And with a smile that was dripping with your love, you stared at Aizawa’s sleeping form. He was already deep in sleep, his body positioned on his back as if he knew what you were doing, accepting the inevitable actions you would take tonight as you did every night. He just looked so calm, so beautiful, so youthful when asleep. The scar under his eye almost invisible

But unlike most nights where he slept in a soft cotton long-sleeved shirt and sweats, you froze at the sight of the tight black t-shirt on his sleeping form, the shorts that were riding just the slightest bit too low on his sturdy, muscled hips. Your bit your fist, a bubbling heat of lust, and a whine tickling the back of your throat as you take in his sleeping form.

He was doing this on purpose.

Teasing you with this outfit on his sleeping body.

You huffed, inexplicably turned on as the small puffs of air past his lips seemed to thunder around the room.

You were wet already, so very wet.

“You’re so mean, Shouta-kun,” you whimper softly, your voice silent and unheard by his sleeping form. You walk closer to the bed, lips pulled into a pout as you sit on the soft mattress. “Dressing up like that, I know you did that to tease me!”

Aizawa doesn’t respond because, of course, he’s asleep. But you smile regardless, imagining a million and three things he would say in response, each leading to what you wanted to do so desperately.

“I hope you know you were lying when you said you haven’t had sex since you were twenty,” you sigh, your fingers expertly removing his shorts and boxers from around his waist, using your quirk to make them reappear to the side of him. “We have sex practically every night; you’re so horny, my angel.”

You watch with a curling smile as his cock immediately begins to stiffen against your warm breaths, his face scrunching in his slight discomfort as his cock grows and grows. His cock is undeniably one of your favorite parts of his body. It’s pale in color, paler than the rest of his body, but as it extended to the swollen thickness of his head, it grew darker, the flushed brown pinkness of his head making you salivate at the memory of the first time you ever saw it. His cock, unlike the rest of his scarred body, was unharmed, unmarred by the horrors of the job the two of you held. The thick, beautiful smoothness of his skin, making your eyes flutter in unadulterated lust, his cock a symbol of your pure, unmarked love for him. You hum, hand grasping his length and lazily stroking him as your head tilts, reading his sleeping features for any sign of him enjoying this as much as you do.

“Aww, Shouta-kun, I wish you knew I fuck you. I bet you would turn bright red, knowing that I ride you every night. Maybe you’d use that weapon of yours to teach me a lesson or two,” you mumble, your hand gripping his cock harder as you stroke him.

A small glistening drop appears at the slit of his dick, and you shiver in excitement; he was already leaking pre-cum.

“Look at you, already ready to have my cunt wrapped around that big cock of yours,” you mewl, absolutely ready to mount him, prepared to have his sleeping form cum deep within you. You stand up, removing your shorts and panties, and climbing onto the bed.

With the balance of a pro, you get yourself hovering over him, your already wet cunt shivering with the expectance of having him deep within you. Your hand on his cock never once stopping as you tease yourself against his swollen head, your voice a pathetic whimper as your slick mixes with his clear pre-cum.

“S-See how embarrassing you are!” you huff, rutting his length between his folds, lubing him up for the initial entrance because, by god, it still hurt. “Making my pussy so wet! I’m practically dripping all over you!”

There’s only a soft breath from his lips, but you grin as if he was speaking to you.

“You want me too, huh?” you giggle, and without further adieu, you sink against him.

His cock entering your tight cunt was still as mind-numbing as the first time. His cock easily buries into the small, thin wall of your cervix, and you tremble as his length stretches and pulls at your throbbing core. You can feel every curve in his cock, every vein, every gentle throb.

“Glad t-to know you find me… nnghh… find me i-irresistible,” you pant, face flushed with your desire to adjust quickly around him.

The conversation from tonight had made you entirely weak in the knees and hot at your core, knowing that you were the only one to really have claimed Aizawa, the only one who would ever know how his sleeping body craved you as much as you desired him.

You give a tentative swirl of your hips, your eyes trained on Aizawa’s relaxed ones, testing to see how tired and sleepy he was. There was no reaction, no movement outside of the typical grunt at the back of his throat. It was a noise he always made when you first moved with him, a noise that quickly seared in the back of your memory forever.

Shifting your weight to be more comfortable on your knees, your hot hands fall onto his tight chest, and with a sigh of pure relief, you begin to fuck him.

Your straddling aided the deep penetration, allowing for the gentle kiss of the tip of his leaking cock to your thin cervix wall. You clenched tightly around him, unable to keep yourself from doing so as you rode him, the feeling of his throbbing member within you absolutely breathing taking as you placed your claim on him again, again, and again.

Aizawa was fully sheathed within you, and your fingers twisted and pulled at the tight fabric of his shirt, raising it up so that you could admire his taut, tense abdomen, mewling at the way he’s happy trail was thick and bushy. You wondered how he would react to your fingers threading through his body hair, if he would love it; if he would hate it.

“I want you to know how much I love you, how much I would give everything to you!” you whimper, your head fighting the instinct to throw itself back as you begin to drop onto his still cock faster and faster. “I wish you knew that you fuck me so good, Shouta-kun; I need you to know that! But you won’t even look at me! You won’t spare me a single second of your busy day, so that’s why I have to fuck you at night!”

Tears of both pleasure and hurt well into your eyes; you sniffle as you fuck him faster, dropping onto his awaiting cock with more significant, more aggressive slaps. The sounds echo throughout the room, the musky, sweet smell of your sexes is the only thing keeping you sane — that and the grunting noises that Aizawa keeps emitting, it makes your toes curl and belly flutter in a funny way.

“I bet you’ll fuck me so good once I get you to love me! You’ll never stop fucking me, you’ll never want to leave me because only I know how to fuck you correctly!” you snap, anger and lust licking through your tone, making your eyebrows furrow and your walls to clench even tighter around him. The building tension in your stomach is like a fire, and you can feel your high coming. “But you fuck me so good, baby, so good and you’re not even awake!”

And for the first time, you watch in electrifying pleasure as a low, husky, raspy moan leaves his throat as you fucked him. The sound alone was something downright pornographic to you, and the whine that spills from your mouth is nearly inaudible with the pitch it vibrates at. So without so much as a second thought, a bubbling smile spreads on your face, and you continue on, energy and excitement doubled in your joy.

Your hips roll, rise, and fall against his with growing force and speed. The small creaks of the mattress completely ignored by you as the throbbing and twitching of his cock buried deep within you keeps you pushing for more. The heat and pressure in your belly grow exponentially, festering and burning until you can feel yourself at the tipping point until you can’t do anything but focus on Aizawa and only Aizawa, or else you would scream his name in your euphoria.

The veins on his cock and the overall girth of his length send your mind spinning, not at all helping your predicament, and in a last-ditch effort to keep yourself from crying so loudly you would wake up even the dead, you lean forward. Your sweaty body leaning down to his parted chapped lips as you kiss him to keep yourself silent as your orgasm crashes through you in a blissful wave. Your body spasms almost uncontrollably, the nerves and firing axons through your body uncontrollable as you lay there, allowing for Aizawa to cum before you leave. You shudder at the feeling of his cum emptying out within you, his cock immediately softening as you lay there on top of him. His heart racing with his orgasm, and you sigh contentedly.

“God, I love you so much, Aizawa Shouta; I’ll make you mine one day,” you swear, your nose nuzzling his stubbled cheek.

You lay there for some time, enjoying the way he feels in you, content with the pooling cum from your still spasming cunt. But eventually, you pull away. You pull on your panties and shorts quickly, not wanting a single drop more of his cum to seep out of you. Unable to help yourself, you lick the leftover cum on his cock clean with your tongue before wiping him down with a towel to prevent the smell from clinging.

Your eyes study Aizawa’s face just before you leave, and your smile.

He really does look less tired after orgasming.

But the entire time you were there — the whole night you fucked him and spoke to him — you missed the red blinking light of the camera recording in the corner of the room.

#aizawa x reader #aizawa smut #bnha #bnha x reader #mha #tw: somnophilia #bbs kinktober 2020

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worldserasingandcreatinginmymind · 3 years

Text

Disappointment | Ivan x Daughter!Reader

Requested by @theweasleytwinsownmyjuicyass: “so I’m really a sucker for parent tropes so maybe you could write a Ivan x daughter!reader where he had her with a non grisha woman who gave birth and later left the baby at the little palace for him. Now she is grow and Ivan being Ivan is hard on her especially because she’s kind of failing being a heartrender (cuz that’s not her real grisha power) and they have a huge fight about it and she runs away in the middle of the night. When Ivan find out in the morning he becomes very worried and asks The darkling and Fedyor to help him find her. (Maybe they find her a bit hurt cuz she was attacked. Just for more angst and feels:3)”

Pairing: Ivan x Daughter!Reader, Fedyor x reader (platonic)

Word Count: 1900

Warnings: angst, mentions of blood

A/N: As always, spelling and grammar are not my strongest skills so please be kind :)

Masterlist

- - - - -

“Ivan!” Fedyor calls as he runs down the corridor carrying a medium size wicker basket “Ivan, someone left this outside the doors of the little palace”

“Oh?” Ivan says, uninterested as he continues walking.

“The note left with it says its for you.”

Ivan stops walking and abruptly turns around to finally face Fedyor who hold out the basket to him. He takes it and slowly lifts the lid, freezing when he lays eyes on what’s inside.

“What is it? What’s in there?” Fedyor asks curiously but gets no reply “Ivan?”

He moves to stand by Ivan’s side, peering over to see the baby girl wrapped up tight inside, fast asleep without a care in the world.

“I don't understand, why would someone give you a baby?” Fedyor asks.

“Because she’s my daughter.”

— — — —

Seventeen years later.

Growing up in the Little Palace wasn’t exactly a normal childhood, especially being the daughter of one of the Darkling’s most favoured Grisha. You never really felt like you fit in with the other kids, especially since your father made you learn with Heartrender children even though you were actually a healer. He was convinced you would share the same power as him and because you wanted to please him you went along with it.

It was hard growing up without a mother too. Your father was always honest with you, about how he had spent the night with a non Grisha woman and hadn’t even known she was pregnant until one night you were left on the doorstep. Part of you wished you could meet your mother, but the other part of you didn’t care about a woman who could so easily abandon you.

You were close with your father’s lover, Fedyor. He became the closest thing you had to a mother figure. He was softer and more caring than your father. When you were younger he would occasionally sneak you away for fun days out playing games in the woods. Even now he would take you out on horse riding lessons when he felt you needed a break.

Ivan did not approve.

“She’s my daughter and I say she must attend all her training sessions!”

“You're too hard on her Ivan, the poor girl is exhausted from all the pressure you put on her. Give her a break” Fedyor argues back as you press your ear to their door so you can hear.

“I’ll give her a break when she earns one. Right now she’s the worst in the whole class of heartrenders. Even the children are better than her”

“Maybe because I’m not actually a Heartrender!” You say as you burst through the door.

“This is a private conversation!” Ivan shouts.

“Not if it’s about me it’s not.” You shout back

“Y/N” Fedyor speaks calmly, trying to defuse the situation “maybe you should go-”

“No Fedyor, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this” you turn and address your father “All I’ve ever done, all I ever do is try and live up to your expectations. Try to be like you. Hide my true self because I’m terrified of disappointing you. But I can’t lie anymore. I’m not a Heartrender. And no matter how much you or I try to force it, I will never be a Heartrender.”

You take off your red and black kefta and hand it to your father. There’s a silence as he looks down at it before finally looking up at you.

“You're just going to give up on everything we’ve worked for, everything you’ve wanted?”

“I never wanted any of this Dad. You did! I just went a long with it to please you”

“Get out of my sight!”

“Dad-”

“I have never been more disappointed in you than I am right now. I am ashamed to call you my daughter”

“Ivan!” Fedyor speaks up as you stand there silent for a moment, staring at your father.

Fedyor comes to your side, placing a hand on your shoulder but you shake him off and run out the room as hot tears fill your eyes. You hear Fedyor call after you but you ignore him, continuing to run out of the Little Palace. You don't stop running until you reach the woods, leaning against a tree and sliding your back against the rough bark to sit on the ground. You bring your knees up to your chest and let the tears flow, unaware of the stranger watching you in the darkness.

You're disturbed by the sound of a twig snapping behind you. You lift your head up and take a deep breath, silently listening. Slowly you stand up, keeping your back to the tree as you look around you. Then you spot him, an unknown man creeping toward you. From his clothes you guess he’s a peasant from the village.

“Are you alright?” He asks. Something about him sets your nerves on edge.

“Yes I’m fine” you say quietly, wiping a tear off your cheek

“Are you from the palace?” He asks, taking a step closer. You nod. “What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?”

“I could ask you the same thing” you reply

“It’s not safe to be out here alone you know” he takes another step closer “never now who you might meet”

“You're right, I should head back” you go to leave but he grabs your arm, pulling you back “let go of me!”

“Not until you give me something in return” he pulls a dagger from his pocket

“What do you want from me?” You struggle against him but his grip is tight

“Whatever you’ve got. Money. Jewellery. Anything that’s worth something. You lot up in your fancy palace have no idea how hard it is to be poor”

“I’m sorry but I don't have anything”

“Then you're no use to me!” He growls, plunging his dagger into your side. You let out a silent gasp. He pulls the dagger back out and you drop to the ground, clutching the wound, feeling the heat of the blood cover your hands.

“Grisha bitch” he spits before running away, disappearing into the darkness. You try to drag yourself back toward the palace but you don't have the energy. You prop yourself up against the base of a tree and wait for the darkness to take you.

— — — —

“Fedyor wake up!” Ivan rushes into their room, opening the curtains to let the morning sun stream through “Y/N is missing!”

“What!” Fedyor sits up instantly

“I went to apologise but she isn’t in her room and her bed hasn’t been slept in. Im really worried Fed. Where is my girl?” He chokes up as tears spring to his eyes.

“Okay calm down. We’ll find her”

Ten minutes later the boys are heading out the Little Palace, searching the grounds with the help of General Kirigan.

“Do you have any idea where she could have gone?” The Darkling asks. Ivan shakes his head.

“I think I might know.” Fedyor announces

The three of the mount their horses and set off towards the woods. Once they enter they slow down as Fedyor explains this is where the two of you come to relax and get away from the Palace when things get too much. Ivan feels his heart sink, knowing that he’s the reason you even need a place to escape to.

“There!” Fedyor shouts, pointing to your lifeless body laying on the ground.

The men jump off their horses and run to your side, Ivan cradling your head in his lap and stroking your face while the Darkling checks your wound.

“Oh my saints! Y/N, my girl. Please come back to me” Ivan cries

“We need to get her back to the Palace. She needs a healer” The Darkling announces as Ivan picks you up and carries you to his horse. He rides faster than he’s ever ridden to get you there.

“We need a healer! Now!” The General shouts the second he enter the Palace, and instantly multiple healers come running. They follow him as he carries you to your room and lays you down on your bed.

Ivan and Fedyor watch anxiously as the healers get to work. What feels like hours later they finally finish, turning to address the men.

“She’s stable now.”

“Thank you, thank you so much!” Ivan lets out tears of relief as Fedyor hugs him.

“We’ll leave you three alone.” The Darkling says, ushering the healers out of the room. “I’m glad she’s okay” he smiles before leaving, shutting the door behind him.

A few hours later you're eyes finally flutter open. You look around the room confused as to how you got there. You remember the woods. The creepy stranger. Being stabbed. You sit up, lifting your shirt to see now no wound at all. Then you look over and see Fedyor and Ivan asleep at the foot of your bed. You reach over and gently squeeze your father’s hand. He opens his sleepy eyes and when he sees you awake shoots up right, quickly pulling you into a tight hug. Fedyor also wakes up and smiles at you.

“I’ll leave you two to chat” he says smiling again before leaving.

Your father sits on the edge of the bed facing you.

“Y/N. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said last night, I didn’t mean it. I was angry with Fedyor but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you”

“It felt like you meant it”

“I could never be ashamed of you. You are a beautiful, intelligent, strong young woman. I am proud to be your father.” He takes your hand in his “And I am so sorry I made you feel like you had to be someone else just to please me. I always hoped you’d be a Heartrender like me, but I shouldn’t have put that pressure on you. From now on you are free to be the person you want to be.”

“Are you sure I’m not a disappointment?”

“You could never disappoint me Y/N. You are my daughter and I love you more than anything in the world” he moves to sit next to you and puts his arm around you. You snuggle into him.

“Even more than Fedyor?” You ask playfully

“Even more than Fedyor”

“Hey I heard that!” Fedyor shouts as he pokes his head back in the room

“We love you too Fedyor!” You shout back, gesturing for him to join you. He sits on the other side of you so you are sandwiches between the two of them. You hold his hand and rest your head on your father’s shoulder.

You may not have a mother, but you do have two fathers. And you wouldn’t change them for the world.

Your perfect little family.

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone fic #general kirigan #the darkling #Ivan x reader #ivan x fedyor #fedyor x reader #the darkling x reader #general kirigan x reader

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adorerdraco · 3 years

Text

Bugs and Hisses ✧ Draco x Reader

Summary: Halloween with Draco <3 Friends into BOO’s (teehee)

Warnings: mild drinking nothing tooo crazy but not encouraging it !

Words: 5.2K

A/N: this is my first one shot in like a month and i ofc had to do something for halloween even tho im a tad late but its still a halloweekend KIND OF !!!!!!! </3 I HOPE ITS GOOOD

“No, it’s a stupid holiday.”

Draco crossed his arms in a stubborn child-like way, a scowl on his face as he stared forward towards the front of the class where Snape was giving a lecture on the small but vicious Erkling creatures.

“Come on, please,” you pleaded quietly. Your gaze kept flickering between your easily-irked professor and the pouting blond beside you, hoping that in a few short seconds you would get the answer you were hoping for that way you could get back into your notes instead of possibly getting a detention or losing house points.

In all the years you’ve been friends with the Prince of Slytherin, you learned that he loathed the holiday and any festivities that came with it. Every year, you beg him to go out to one of the many parties that are thrown ranging from small gatherings to full-on blowouts or just do something halloween related with you, but he always refuses. His reasoning, as he put it, was that he was simply ‘too mature to be dressing up as a foul creature.’

You knew he mostly spent the holiday either asleep in his dorm or walking around aimlessly with Crabbe and Goyle to target unsuspecting first-years after the big feast but this year, you finally had enough of his anti-halloween agenda. You wanted to spend the evening and hopefully night with him laughing by your side and showing him how fun everything could be, but most of all - you wanted to see him in a costume.

“Please, if you go I will never ask you for anything ever again,” you tried again once Snape had turned his back to the class.

Draco pursed his lips as though he was genuinely considering it, his eyes still locked on the back of the greasy-haired professor before he turned slightly to you with a deep sigh. “Fine, but don’t expect this to be an annual thing.”

You gave him a bright smile, holding yourself back from jumping around in your seat and completely pushing aside the desire to throw your arms around him in excitement.

“I promise you’ll have fun.”

He hid the small smile that grew on his face from seeing how happy his answer made you, turning his head down towards his parchment filled with notes that all of a sudden seemed interesting as he avoided your gaze. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was the smallest bit of excited at the thought of spending the holiday with you because he knew that wherever you went or whatever you did, he would be perfectly content with you by his side because for the first time in all your years as friends; he realized only a month ago that the weird fluttering feeling in the pit of his stomach when he was around you or the weird overwhelming warmth that spread throughout his entire body like an ocean of water breaking through a dam - was a crush. He hated it at first, noticing and begrudgingly acknowledging it. He thought it was cliche that he somehow fell for one of his closest friends and mostly, he thought that he was going to ruin the friendship entirely. He wanted to wreck it himself, trying to distance himself from you and being extra mean - but he couldn’t.

He adored your company too much and everything that came with you. He adores your laugh, your smile, your hugs when you greet him and how you somehow give him one each time he needs it the most. He adores the study-buddy system you guys have almost every other week before a quiz or an exam. He adores your bad jokes and clumsy accidents even though those qualities annoy him with anyone else. He adores the way you want him to join you in everything fun you and he especially adores the times when he overhears you talking about him as if he’s your favorite person in the world.

Bottom line, he’s all about you.

So when this season of spookiness came, he was expecting your pleading for him to spend the day with you. Only this time, it only took you a couple times before he ultimately agreed to give in to you.

You were ready to explode with thrill at the thought of what the night held in store for you and you didn’t hide it one bit. When the big Hogwarts Hallowe’en feast was over and every one began spilling out from the Great Hall and into the main foyer, you were searching restlessly for a clean mop of silver hair that almost always stuck out in the mass of students. You weren’t sure if you were able to spot him anywhere in under a few seconds because he was unimaginably important to you, or because his hair was so uniquely bright, or maybe it was how boisterous and loud Crabbe and Goyle always were when they were by him, especially if he was with other Slytherins - but you found him, every single time with ease.

After standing on your tippy-toes several times to overlook the stampede of everyone, you finally spotted Draco leaning across a pillar with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face while he stood in a circle of his House friends that included his two goons and his quidditch teammates. You watched him thoughtfully as you approached, taking slow steps towards the group to admire him from afar and also because they were all slightly intimidating. He looked lost in the conversation, laughs escaping from his upturned lips as he listened to whatever was being said, large pale hands running through his hair every so often when the front pieces of his hair would flop down to his forehead.

He looked ridiculously good and effortlessly at that.

You weren’t sure if you should interrupt, hesitating a few feet away from them to where they couldn’t sense your presence but you were close enough to see and hear them clearly.

“We’ll see you later tonight then, Malfoy?” One of the boys nodded towards Draco.

“I’ll show up for a bit, I suppose,” he shrugs.

You see him look around the circle of boys, eyes landing on you momentarily and then back to his friends before doing a double-take towards you again in surprise. You tried to ignore the butterflies erupting in your stomach when his smile widens slightly into a short-lived toothy grin while he said a quick goodbye to his friends causing them all to disband and him to start approaching you.

“Are you ready for the halloween of a lifetime?” You ask as he neared.

He rolled his eyes, laughing faintly. “Where am I meeting you, darling?”

The nick name he used so rarely for you made your knees feel weak, a warm blush rushing up your neck and inching onto your cheeks that you knew was going to be very apparent on your face in a few seconds.

“I’ll meet you right here in an hour,” you say quickly.

You didn’t give him time to answer before you turned quickly in the direction of your common room and began rushing away before he could see the effect he had on you that was so clearly appearing on your face.

You didn’t know what the night held for you and Draco or where it would lead you. Unknowing to you, you were both hoping something more could come out of the evening between the two of you. But he wasn’t one to express himself in that department of feelings and you weren’t feeling bold enough to say anything about yours. It was a gray area of hoping that fate could somehow intervene and throw the two of you into what you both wanted without either of you really saying anything - but it was impossible. There was no outcome or situation you had in mind that could lead you into that, so you were stuck desperately hoping that one day things might end up differently.

It was beginning to feel ironic how in your world full of real tangible magic, there wasn’t a magical solution to your problem. You were trapped feeling like a muggle who had to figure things out by themselves, no magic included. The thought of giving him a love potion did cross your mind as a joke, but it wasn’t a genuine or fair option but little did you know, you don’t need a potion for him to feel the same way - because he already did.

Walking into your dorm felt like an exuberant disaster of everyone running around and sitting in front of mirrors with their makeup or dressing into their costumes. It was noisy and filled with chatter and you were in shock from how much clutter everyone was able to make in such a short period of time from when the feast ended to now. A simple spell would clean everything up so you and everybody else didn’t really pay it any mind.

You maneuvered around the mess of your housemates and towards your bed where your costume was kept in the trunk underneath it, plopping down onto the floor to pull it from the underskirt of your House colored bedding.

“Did he finally say yes?” Your closest roomie friend jumped onto your bed, propping herself up on her elbows and resting her chin on her hands as she watched you dig through your bottomless trunk.

“Surprisingly, yes,” you answered, hiding the smile on your face.

She drawled out a teasing ‘ooh,’ poking your arm lightly with her index finger as you shied away and leaned deeper into your trunk. She was the only one who you willingly admitted your crush to as she was the only person you really trusted to not blather it off to someone.

“Will I be seeing you two in the Slytherin common room?” She wiggled her eyebrows. “The boys are throwing a party and I luckily got an invite, you know how they are. So picky with who shows up.”

“You mean they’re pretentious?” You laugh. “But I don’t know if we’ll be going to it. I know Draco obviously got invited but I was thinking we could do other things.”

“Like what?” She questions as if she knew it was going to be something dirty. “I know a few secret spots around the castle-”

“No, get your mind out of the gutter,” you smack her arm lightly. “I honestly have no clue what to do. I didn’t think he’d actually agree because he never does.”

She runs her hands over her face, stifling her laughs of disbelief before she sighed loudly. “I still suggest some broom closets, hidden out of sight.”

You sit up, pushing her from where she was lying while she laughed amusingly at your false horrified reaction that you put on to hide the fact from her that what she was suggestion really was what you wanted.

“I’ll leave you alone so you can get your costume on,” she smiles, jumping up from your bed and tossing one of your pillows at you as she walked away. You let out a huff, tossing it back onto your duvet before setting your costume down on the spot your friend was lying in.

You stared at it hesitantly, all of a sudden feeling nauseous at the thought of going out later with Draco as if it was some sort of date even though you knew it wasn’t. It was just two friends, hanging out, doing some spooky and fun Halloween activities together and nothing more; so why were you feeling so nervous? You weren’t sure if it was your instincts warning you of something major that was approaching or the fear that what you didn’t have planned was going to bite you in the arse when you continuously told Draco he was going to enjoy himself when you didn’t even know if that was going to be true. You didn’t want to disappoint him and mess it up for you in the future when the holiday came again and you didn’t want this to be the first and last time you experienced it with him.

The pressure was raining down on you like thick, hard pieces of hail with no end in sight.

As you were getting dressed and doing your makeup for your costume as you liked, (i’m trying to be vague for your own imagination teehee) all you could think about was what in the hell you were going to do once you met up with the Prince of Slytherin. Your train of thought was then derailed into wondering what he was going to be dressed up as or if he was going to be dressed up at all considering the way he is. He was the type to make fun of people who dressed up, that you knew when you ran into him last year as you were walking back to your common room with your friend, both of you in costume and victims of his gentle bullying. He obviously went easier on the two of you since you were there, telling you he was just messing around afterwards and saying he liked yours but once you were out of his sight but still in ear-shot, you heard him and his two minions berating a small group of people that unfortunately passed by them.

You gave yourself one last look in the floor mirror, letting out a long shaky exhale with your hands clasped together before you started towards the way out of your dorm, through the common room, and ultimately towards the foyer outside the Great Hall where Draco was most likely waiting for you. An hour had gone by since you last saw him, an hour of stress and panic that hadn’t slowed down or stopped.

Your shoes dragged against the stone floors, hugging yourself tightly as you walked nearer towards the spot where you were supposed to meet and as you lifted your gaze - you saw him there, staring right at you with a small grin and just like you expected, no costume.

“Nice costume,” he compliments when you reach him.

“Where’s yours?” You frown.

“I’m not dressing up. That’s embarrassing,” he shakes his head.

You scoff, crossing your arms. “You’re the only one not dressed up, that’s embarrassing.”

You don’t know why it was irritating to you that he wasn’t in costume, even if you knew he wasn’t. You figured it was because you were trying to overpower your nervousness with different more consuming feelings, and much to your and Draco’s dismay, it worked.

You weren’t nervous anymore, just irked.

“I’m staying like this, take it or leave it.”

You rolled your eyes, staring him down and hoping that he would change his mind but he wouldn’t. He was ridiculously stubborn.

In the heat of the moment of a fleeting thought, you decided that if he wasn’t going to be in costume, you would put him in one or at least a hint of one. You pulled your wand out, pointing it onto his striking white hair and with one easy spell, his hair was now a flaming vibrant red.

“Y/N!” He growled, running towards the closest thing that would show off his reflection where he let out a string of frantic curse words. “I look like a bloody Weasley.”

Your laughter caught him off guard, the sound ringing in his ears like music that spread warmth throughout him. You were clutching at your stomach with one hand and pointing at him with the other, giggling wildly at the sight of him with hair that did not suit him at all. He smiled to himself, your glee rubbing off on him abruptly that ate away quickly at his anger.

“You should’ve given me some ratty old hand-me-down robes and I’d look just like Ron,” he notes.

“That’s rude, Draco,” you say still laughing. He smirks, leaving the shiny statue of a knight in armor where he was checking his reflection and back over to you where you were still stuck in between doubling over in laughter and watching him.

“I’m glad this is funny to you,” he muses. He begins digging into the pocket of his dress pants, taking your vulnerability as a chance for him to tap his wand to the top of your head and before you could react, your whole hair had turned a deep green.

Your laughter immediately ended as you ran towards the suit of armor, your grimacing reflection staring back at you with deep Slytherin green hair and a distorted Draco behind you doubling over just like you were moments ago.

“This looks,” you couldn’t even finish your sentence, the scowl on your face saying enough for you as you turned bitterly towards Draco.

“Great?” He suggested, his guffawing subsiding into airy chuckles as you stood in front of him. Yours picked up again as you stared up at him, his striking bright red hair looking terribly unfamiliar on him. He was looking down at you, his heart jumping at the sight of you holding back your laughter. “You really do look dashing by the way.”

You swallowed thickly, thankful for the darkness that had settled around the castle and easily hid the scarlet brush appearing on your face. “But my hair is green.”

“Green is my favorite color.”

You opened your mouth to speak, your stomach and heart dropping simultaneously as your mind went completely blank. You pretended to not notice how he took a step closer to you to where he was almost fully against you and he pretended not to notice the way your lips were parted and how your chest was rising and falling a little too heavily as if you were nervous. It was game over for you when his gaze flickered down towards your lips and then back to your eyes, his head leaning down just the slightest like if he were waiting for you to meet him halfway. You were about to get closer to him, about to let your eyes close and give in to what you believed was him wanting to kiss you - but the world had other plans.

“Malfoy! There you are!” Someone boomed, clambering up the steps from the direction of the dungeons. You both jumped away from each other, your attention diverted to the Slytherin boy that interrupted the moment. “Malfoy come on, the party! And you can bring her too.”

You frowned when the boy came up to the two of you, clearly tipsy, dressed as a stereotypical vampire, and over-excited with the fact that Draco was out and willing to participate in Halloween festivities. It seemed like it bothered the now red-head when he looked to you and then back to the Slytherin boy with an apprehensive expression.

The boy, sensing the pause in the air, grabbed onto both you and Draco’s arms and started dragging the two of you towards the Slytherin common room where although the stone walls were thick, the sound of people celebrating inside were easily slipping past the stone slabs. He spoke the password out quickly and as soon as the entrance was open, you were both shoved inside into what looked like the largest party you had ever witnessed in all your years at Hogwarts. It was packed and filled with what looked like half of the school, or at least a huge majority of fifth-years and up. It was loud with music booming from a brand new wizarding-world radio in the middle of the room currently playing a song from the Weird Sisters. It smelled like a mixture of everyone’s perfumes and colognes and like firewhisky. The boy that pushed you two inside quickly passed you two cups of the very potent firewhisky before downing the third one he had in his hand and disappeared into the crowd while screaming for you to enjoy yourselves.

You both stood awkwardly away from the big and rowdy crowd, your drink clenched tightly in your hand against your chest and Draco swishing his around while it was still in the cup.

He wanted to up and run, thinking that someone was going to make a comment about his hair or about him being there, but no one seemed to pay attention to him or that he was there and in a way, he felt relieved by it and less tense by the second.

“How in the bloody hell did we end up here?” You yelled over the music, putting a hand over his arm that was holding his drink up. You didn’t mean to, but you were glad you did because he glanced down at the contact with a small smile before looking back up to you.

“We got dragged here, remember!” He yelled back.

“What?”

“We got dragged here!”

“I can’t hear you!”

He rolled his eyes, bending down towards your ear to repeat himself one last time before you finally heard him over the mayhem around you.

“This is crazy!” You looked around the room, the sight of all the bodies and recklessness being too much as they were all more than likely drunk and oblivious to how stuffy and suffocating the room was becoming.

You looked down at the golden brown liquid sloshing around in your cup, wondering whether or not you should take it, but with the nervousness you felt coming back, it didn’t take you much longer to decide to down your cup and allow the liquid courage to seep into your veins. Draco watched you with amusement, chuckling to himself when you scrunched up your face in disgust from the burn he knew it caused as it went down your throat. He shook his head, deciding to drink his too and it was only minutes that passed before the drink was quickly becoming apparent in your systems. There was something about Firewhisky that always made its mark promptly and it really was courage in a bottle that you were glad was available to you in that moment because you were sure that in just a few minutes you were close to fainting.

You were beginning to sway faintly to the music, the rhythm sounding more loud but distant and more invigorating. You didn’t care anymore if anyone was watching or that Draco was observing you curiously just as he was beginning to lose all sense of holding himself back. He was inching closer to you, his head moving slightly to beat of the song and pure joy etched onto his features when your eyes met his.

“I keep forgetting I turned your hair red!” You yelled up to him, laughing loudly when he ran his hand through it. In your moment of confidence, you reached up and lightly ran your fingers over one of the front pieces hanging over his forehead. He didn’t stop you, his heart hammering against his chest from the drink and his overwhelming crush that was clouding all his senses. “Your hair is so soft!”

He wanted to pin you up against the wall right then and there. You were peering up at him, just as you were before you were dragged inside by one of his Housemates and as soon as he was about to kiss you.

“Do you want to get out of here?” He knew to bend down this time for you to hear him to which you responded with a fervent nod. You took his hand in yours, pulling him towards the exit of the common room and he let you lead him into the coldness of the dungeons that bit at his cheeks. It was a stark difference from the warmth inside, the crisp October air being more chilled than what either of you were expecting. It felt nice against your flushed skin and easier to breathe, especially once after the common room closed again and you could hear was muffled talking and music.

Neither of you were drunk and were still aware of pretty much everything, mostly the feelings stirring inside you both that was begging either of you to make a move towards the other. You were just a tad tipsy, and so was he, but it was enough for you to still enjoy the night without the initial awkwardness that oddly settled in between you. It was weird, considering how open and talkative you usually were with each other but there was something about the evening that made it feel like if you didn’t know each other.

“What now?” He asked you with a raised brow, his hand slipping into his pocket.

You smiled, an idea coming to your head that you knew he would love and you didn’t mind doing in the name of Halloween. “Do you want to go mess with people?”

He stared at you with widened eyes, “bloody hell, I love you.”

There was nothing that could have prepared you for his response, your own eyes widening in shock as you stared at him. He felt his face get hot in embarrassment, Merlin, he felt so stupid. He was mentally smacking himself in the head, desperately wishing he could bury himself seven feet under the Earth and staying there until the end of time.

He was about to play off what he said in a joking way, but for the second time that night he was interrupted by a couple that stumbled out of the common room drunkenly snogging each other’s faces off and wholly oblivious to you and Draco standing there in lingering panic. You jumped back into his arms when the couple staggered past you, almost knocking you over in the process of their makeout session and it annoyed you beyond belief. It annoyed you that they were in your way, annoyed that they interrupted you, annoyed that it wasn’t you in their position with the one you wanted.

You dug your wand out of your pocket, flicking it their way as they rolled onto the wall, still in each other’s hold until the hex that flew from your wand hit the boy causing him to stagger back from the girl and holding his nose in pain. You heard Draco laugh from behind you when bats began to fly out from the boy’s nostrils while the girl screamed and ran away from one of the bats that swept down onto her head. The bats flew out of the dungeon and up the stairs with the boy struggling loudly the whole way up until his panicked screams were no longer heard.

“That was a perfect bat-bogey,” he looks at you proudly. “I feel bad for that poor bloke’s nose.”

“Thank you, thank you,” you bowed jokingly.

When the sound of the door opened again, you both ran to hide behind a long drape against the wall that didn’t hide your shoes very well and pressed up against your bodies that’s shapes were no doubt visible from the opposite side.

You heard footsteps trail haphazardly down the corridor, their back seemingly facing you and as you both peeked your heads out from behind the drape, Draco nodded towards the boy and pointed his wand towards him.

“Slugulus Eructo,” you heard him whisper and a stream of green light from his wand hit the back of the boy’s head and as he turned around in surprise while doubling over in pain, his hand clamped tightly over his mouth as slugs began to slip past the spaces between his fingers. When he stood up to run away, you noticed it was the same boy from earlier that stopped you two from the almost kiss and dragged you to the party. You let out a string of giggles as he ran away just like your last victims.

“This is so mean,” you chortle, leaning into him from behind the drape in an attempt to get closer to him. You were feeling bolder when he beamed down at you, feeling happy knowing that although the night was still young, he was having fun. “Thank you for coming with me tonight, I know you don’t like Halloween.” You say quietly.

“You finally convinced me, it’s not that bad,” he grins.

“Why’d you hate it in the first place?”

The question seemed to strike a nerve but the Firewhisky still flowing freely in his veins tore away easily at his defenses so instead of avoiding your question entirely like he usually would, he frowned and let his guard down.

“I don’t hate it,” he answers apprehensively. “My father never let me celebrate it. He never let me dress up. He told me respectable wizards don’t partake in holidays like these.”

His pout made your gut twist in sympathy, your hand instinctively going into his as you squeezed it reassuringly. “It’s never too late to start celebrating. Besides, I don’t see him here stopping you.”

He smiled for what felt like the hundredth time that night, his stained-red hair falling over his eyes as he looked down to his shoes.

“You have a point, darling.”

The door of the common room opened again and what you suspected to be another snogging couple to stumble out from the sound of heavy breathing and multiple shoes scuffling about was something completely different.

“Glad Malfoy stayed with someone else today.” It was Crabbe.

“Yeah, he never lets us go to these parties,” Goyle responds. “Go ahead and thank Y/L/N for freeing us, he fancies her like a fool.”

“Reckon we should go look for them?”

You figured Goyle nodded to him like the blathering idiot he was because in a few short seconds they were running away up the same steps everyone else had.

You peered up slowly at Draco who was already gaping at you like a deer in headlights. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. The gears in your brain were spinning wildly with happiness, the gossip hopefully being proven true when he didn’t try to deny it. You didn’t realize how close his face was to yours, cheeks tinged with pink from both the firewhisky and sudden shyness and his warm cinnamon breath fanning your face as he looked down at you.

“I can explain,” he finally said.

He didn’t need to; you placed your hands gently on his cheeks, pulling him impossibly closer to you and pressing your lips against his, catching him completely by surprise. His eyes were wide at first, his body rigid and his lips unmoving, but once it finally clicked that this was real and no longer a fantasy that played like a broken record in his head, his lips moved fervently against yours with the rest of his body following. His hands gripped your hips tightly, his fingers squeezing at the hem of your bottoms and his body pushing even further into yours.

Your bottom lip caught lightly in between his teeth as you reluctantly pulled away from him, the both of you breathing raggedly as you searched each other’s eyes.

“I feel the same,” you said softly. “Happy Halloween.”

He smashes his lips hungrily against yours again, his ego growing with each gasp of a delight that escapes your mouth as your hands roamed and tangled themselves into his magically colored strands.

“Very...happy...halloween,” he mutters against your lips in between kisses, a dazy smile adorning your face while he tightened his arms around you.

You just couldn’t wait until next year.

1K notes · View notes

hyukmoon · 3 years

Text

moon. | l.sy x gn!reader

lee sangyeon x gn!reader

word count: about 4.01k

to put it short: congrats! Something you should actually say, right? Your best friend and crush is getting married in two days and you feel,... well, not very good about it. So, wait... he's returning the feelings? Damn.

content warning: ANGST in capital letters, I would add lots of exclamation points but im lazy. So yeah, hella angsty. Some good old making out, it's kind of heavy at some point but no smut at this point lol. I don't condone any of the done actions, so yeah, I would've personally handled everything differently, but you know, y/n is kinda wild. Very awkward sometimes, but that's more the situation in itself. ALSO, NOT PROOFREAD

taglist: @loki-in-hogwarts

note: the second thing i wrote and im somewhat excited!!! Yes! Exclamation points. So,... thanks for reading :)

It was a great day. Well, at least seemingly for everyone but you. Your best friend in this world Sangyeon was about to get married to the love of his life, who is notyou and now you just stand in the hotel lobby waiting for it to happen. Funnily enough, the crushing feeling of desperation and fear didn’t seem to set in yet.

The hotel lobby was filled to the brim with acquaintances and other guests possibly confused by the uproar of the wedding guests. So, who were you specifically waiting for? The rest of your friend group, the ones who will most likely clean up after the wedding whatever will be left of you.

A nervous smile swept up to your lips, casually just avoiding every sort of tension that could come across you. Just with the luck of this entire occurrence an older woman started to approach you, demon alike features spreading around her face almost like she knew you were apparently the only single person here. An aunty, that wasn’t even related to you but had all the business to judge.

“Are you here for the bride or the groom?”, her sweet voice rang a familiar feeling in your stomach. Almost too sweet, making you suspicious of her intent. “I’m here for my best friend, Sangyeon. So, yeah, for the groom.”, you hesitated a second, “What about you though? Do you know the bride?”

“She’s my youngest niece, the only one that still visits, her sisters don’t even care anymore…” You nodded politely, not wanting to anger her now and stepped towards a different direction.

“So, my dear, are you here with anybody?” You already feared that question, the same as always. The eyes of yours started with a panicked expression searching through the room a familiar pair. “No, I am here on my own. I kinda wanted to focus on getting Sangyeon through with it, being there for him.” As a friend.

Possibly this was the first part of feeling despair and fear. People at this wedding were really waiting for them to get married. They weren’t joking, this would change everything.

“Ah, I see. You know, get over him. Well, it is time for you at least, you’re not getting younger. There are quite few handsome men here. I remember the names Juyeon and ah yes! Kevin, get over here!” As far as you were concerned, your facial expression couldn’t possibly look more stunned than a moment ago, yet another one of your good friends appeared, seemingly just as confused.

This only held on for a good second, Kevin knew exactly what to do. “Oh hi, I’m so sorry to steal [Y/N] away from you, but I actually need to talk to them on my own over a gift we both prepared for the couple!”, he grinned at the lady, who was obviously smitten with him. “Yes, of course, hun. Take your time.” She finally hushed into a separate direction.

“So, how are we doing? You seem kinda… stressed.”

“You don’t say”, you sighed, “if I have to go through a conversation like this again today, believe me I’ll-. “

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I get the sentiment. Even though I meant more the other situation. Like in, Sangyeon getting married and you sitting here all grumpy because of it.”, Kevin was already aware of your “small” infatuation with your best friend, a man too far out of your reach also funnily enough, the man’s wedding you’re attending. However, your friend in front of you didn’t seem to mind talking about it out loud in a place like the hotel lobby. Your lips tightened up into a fine line.

“I’m not grumpy! I just…I don’t really know what to do. I mean, I know I’m going to be there for him but yeah, okay, I might feel a bit grumpy.” The lobby did clear up a lot now.

“Okay, oof. There’s this dinner with everyone in the evening today, do you think you can get through that?”, Kevin asked hesitantly just as stressed with this additional complication.

“I mean, I probably have to, don’t I? This makes me so sick, ugh. Not gonna lie, my stomach feels like a laundry machine.” You laughed quietly and drifted off again into a place where you didn’t need to think about this.

“What did you really expect though? You know I love you, respectfully, but like, this feels like an incredibly bad move to do.”

“Don’t you think it would be worse if I didn’t show up at all? I’ll just need to go through this weekend and I’m outta here. No one will know anything.” It might feel like a nightmare but at least a nightmare you can actually run away from and not actually have to face at some point.

“Well, I hope you’ll keep your confidence. Because imagine I saw the person, I love getting married to someone else. Oh my, believe me, you wouldn’t find me for the next three weeks.”

“Not very helpful, a good three out of ten. I guess, I’ll just stick to sulking around then.” A dead smile crept up your lips following a stern look from your side at your opposite.

“Seems like a good plan, just stick to me, maybe we will find someone to take your attention away from this, huh?” A sly grin was visible on Kev’s face.

“Ughhh, of course. Let’s do this. It can’t get much worse than that”, you cleared your throat, “thanks, though. You actually make this here somewhat bearable.”

“Awww, come on. We should pack out our suitcases.”

No one can really prepare someone for a moment like this. Most older folk turned into their hotel rooms which left you in a party like situation seeing your closest friends turning it up in a huge pavilion while the future groom sits comfortably on a velvety sofa hand in hand with his fiancée.

The air was quite warm even at this time of the evening, not humid, just warm enough for everyone to taste the end of this era with nostalgia and a slight feeling of energy to experience what’s to come afterwards.

You as well sat down, continuously processing your environment. With a cup of your favorite drink, you felt invincible, nothing able to shake you down.

Now while this wasn’t a preferred environment, this was manageable; you could look your best friend into his eyes and proudly congratulate him on his wedding. You would be able to get over this and continue to be a great friend. Black hair with an intense facial expression made its way into your viewpoint along with a somewhat tipsy Kevin. Simultaneously the lighter hair of your best friend fought his way through the crowd.

Lee Sangyeon, the man lighting up your mood with simple touch of his fingertips was now signalizing for you to head outside towards the veranda of the pavilion. He exuded patience, yet clearly waiting for a response of you. You nodded and brushed cautiously over your evening attire.

“Hii, [Y/N]! Can I introduce this someone to you? This is Juyeon, he might look a bit intense, but he’s really nice to talk to! So, I’m gone for a sec then!” Kevin started drifting off into a different direction where you stopped him in his tracks.

“Could this wait? Sangyeon needs to talk to me. I think it’s important, I’ll come back though in a bit!” You gifted both of them an apologetic face and made your way around the men towards the going to be groom.

Surely it wasn’t exactly clear why he wanted to speak to you, especially on his own. He was still waiting for you after all.

“[Y/N]! What has it been? Like three? Four months? I missed you so much.”, Sangyeon pulled you into his chest abruptly and sighed softly into your shoulder. Engulfed entirely in his figure you never wanted to wake up from this again. Was it now 10 seconds? 15 seconds? Neither he nor you really seemed to let go, taking in all the scents of his that were formerly familiar to you.

“Yeah, I think so. You were probably busy planning this all and I just had to work, I guess.” Trying to keep it short was your main goal, appearing distant maybe. He didn’t mind at all though. Not discouraged from continuing this conversation Sangyeon pointed at the veranda, showing the only speck of space with little to no crowd.

The veranda was close to closed off to the party. Non distinguishable palm trees in the far distance were playing right into your cards for not having to look into his eyes. Magnetically glowing, that’s how he appeared. All happy and smiley about the obvious luck he was experiencing. Now again, he sat down with you in the beach chairs without loosing a word.

“The palm trees are so pretty. You remember me wanting to buy some new plants?”, you tried to invite him to the conversation.

“You always want to buy new plants, which time do you mean?” Sangyeon grinned to himself. “You know what? It’s so weird. Everything feels still so unreal. This wedding, also you at my wedding… So weird.”

“I am literally your best friend, where else should I be? Your funeral? At home? Who else is going to charm the hotel staff for some free capri suns and new towels?” Your mouth crinkled up and you let out a soft laugh.

“[Y/N] … You know exactly what I mean!”

“Noo, not at all. I’m so confused right now, not gonna lie.” Your face finally moved towards his direction, seeing his gentle gaze resting on you.

“Do you remember when we were still in school, and we promised each other we would marry each other if we didn’t find anybody else?” His gaze got more intense with each sentence.

“Yeahh, kind of. I was probably tired and it’s like ten years ago. I’m not really sure what you’re trying to tell me.”

“I really thought I was going to marry you. For several years, actually.”, he laughed. “I had such a crush on you and then you met your s/o and all that. Ughh, it seemed so complicated back then. Kind of weird to think about what could have happened if I did ask you out or something.”

“True.”, you turned away again standing up and resting against the wooden railing of the pavilion. “But you didn’t so, let’s just drop it there.” The weather as well started rebelling a bit, the wind hugging your figure slightly too tight for your taste.

“Why are you so cold all of a sudden?”, he whispered closely behind you.

“Well, you’re getting married tomorrow. And you’re telling me about a crush you had on me?”, you croaked.

“I was just being nostalgic, I thought this would be fine with you.” Sangyeon appeared now next to you on the railing, waiting for you to face his concerned dark eyes.

“It isn’t for me. It just feels wrong.”

“What feels so wrong about it? It was a long time ago.”

It is here, the bitterness. Bitterness shouldn’t even be the correct term, the pain of your heart going into a slump didn’t feel like a fitting word. Being reminded again that you will never have a chance again.

“Wait or is it not a long time ago for you?”, The voice of his tried to word his next sentence very carefully.

“I went out with them because I thought you were joking. Then when I thought about you, it was always different. It was too late though, you met her.” Only the close ocean along with the wind were hearable, neither you nor he were able to form another thought put into a sentence.

“You could’ve told me. I would’ve-.”

“Broken up with her?”

“No, I-.”

“Then what could you have done?”, you interrupted Sangyeon’s rambling, trembling while speaking. Terribly spiteful with a bite that wasn’t too often dripping down your lips.

“This.” Sangyeon pressed a fluttery kiss against your lips. Slender fingers tapped onto the skin right under your chin, signalizing you to look at him.

The now much calmer atmosphere made you snake your arms around his torso. Heat rose towards your head, longing after a second out in the cold again just to see his lovely facial expression. Your lips broke off and touched once more in an almost hypnotic fashion.

His hot breath started sliding downwards your cheek to your neck, physically making you unable to resist his entrancing presence. Also his hands broached over from your face down to your waist, holding you with the lightest touch.

Sangyeon’s lips darted away from yours, catching you staring deeply into his eyes. The silence felt warm now as well, filled with the slow and recovering breath of the participants.

“[Y/N], I think I still feel that way.”, a rosy blush swept over the man’s face you wanted to hear say these things so many times and so long ago.

“No. No. No. You shouldn’t! I shouldn’t either! I have to go.” The reality of the situation caught up to you. This was bad. Incredibly bad. Still the disgusting feeling of hope within this made its way up to your head. Stinging alongside the feeling of remorse, you didn’t think clearly, especially now, next to him.

You darted in the fastest way possible from the pavilion up to the hotel to your room, leaving him there.

Today should be the final day. The hopes that already should have been buried a long time ago, crawled up again and clawed its way into your mind. What if he leaves her for you today? Like in those unrealistic rom coms. Yes, again, it was unrealistic.

Leaving her at the altar and running after you. While all those thoughts of hope and wishes came together you found yourself with a stomachache. His fiancée was an incredibly nice person, sweet and kind along with being a beauty. You shouldn’t even dare to think about Sangyeon that way anymore, she deserved a lot more. Quite honestly, you felt pathetic. Who were you to run into their possible future?

Just because of a simple brush over the lips, his eyes staring into yours like no one else existed but you and his soft hands delicately touching your waist. A tap on your shoulder put you out of your trance, “[Y/N]? Can you go up to Sangyeon’s room? He asked for you.” Kevin’s eyes glanced at you with uncertainty. Neither you nor he knew why he wanted to see you.

Even more importantly, why did he need to see you alone? This seemed like dangerous territory after, basically yesterday. Agony rose again, what if he really was going to leave her?

“Sure, I don’t know why he wants to see me again though.”, you said and left to see the groom’s room. You stumbled more and more over every step closer to the door of the man who’s going to rip your heart and air out of your lungs. The normally soft laid out carpet felt in this moment like you were stepping barefoot over glass. There was the door, brightly painted in eggshell paired with the digits of the hotel room.

Before you could reach the door to knock on it, light brown waves greeted your overtly surprised face.

“You clean up well.”, Sangyeon’s rang in your ears clearer than freshly hung-up laundry in your nose. His previously concerned face curled up into a faint smile.

“Same goes for you”, you tried your best to hide the very apparent frog in your throat, “So, why do you need me?”

“Just needed to see you before going out there, I guess.”, his voice got a lot quieter. It got silent.

Not sure if a said word was necessary, you plopped down on a small, velvety stool. Every whisper was to be heard. An otherness surrounded Sangyeon, like he wasn’t there anymore, and his thoughts took over his being. You scooted closer towards him, just wanting to see him up close for the last time like this, smelling his earthy cologne from this distance.

“Why are you doing this to me?”, your voice went close to hoarse after the question. He was just as silent as before. No sound, nothing. This torment of a weekend was supposed to end with no gratification, not feeling free from this feeling on your chest? Your hand slid over his, the most desperate attempt to get his attention while also experiencing his touch again. Sangyeon jerked his hand back and returned to his absent posture.

“Why do you want to hurt me like this? I am your best friend, and you use me like I’m nothing.” The lack of power you had now made you sink down to the beige teddy carpet. Small tears started swelling up in your nearly dry eyes, kind of contradictory, yet the more tear drops rolled down your cheeks the rottener and hollow you felt.

“You were my best friend until you-.”, he stopped midsentence, “made me feel things again I didn’t need, I didn’t want.” Also his face was wet, ridden with tears making his usually calm and cheerful persona look like a painful insult.

“You asked me here. It hurts, Sangyeon. I can’t make it stop hurting, I don’t know what to do”, you reached for him again, “Could I ever be enough for you?” He returned your former attempts to stroke your face. Cornering both of you, the air trapped you in the toxins of heartbreak and hopelessness.

Once again, Sangyeon’s hand glid over your soft skin and halted on your face. Glaringly staring into each other’s eyes, you were there again. The day before, yesterday. Close to baring the soul of each person present.

“[Y/N], it’s not about being enough. It never has been. I have made a commitment I already broke, I…I can’t do this”, he sighed, “you know I love her.”

“I thought you loved me as well.” Overwhelming nothingness overruled you, almost scaring you about this reaction. You weren’t crying, yelling nor having any physical reaction at all. It was convincingly numb; the resting hurt would come later. Sangyeon’s head dropped in the dip of your shoulder and neck.

This sort of closeness would never happen again. You feeling him breathing into you while having his comforting heartbeat close to yours.

“I do, but I can’t do this to her. I would never do this to her.”, he whispered into your shoulder. A sigh came from his side.

“Then, please. Kiss me, for the last time.” The last part of the sentence left a disgustingly bitter taste in your mouth. This was over, right? His head, which was formerly resting on your shoulder, drifted up and towards yours. Also his expression blank and hollow, like he didn’t know anything.

For the last time, his hands cupped your face in a comfortable manner. As always, he felt homely, but he surely wasn’t yours ever. Not even waiting a good second or two, the light brunette’s face came closer to yours. With no hesitation both of your lips touched tenderly, releasing every sort of affection that could be expressed at that second. You inhaled again his intoxicating scent, in the hopes of having him all over you. His now reddened lips moved closer towards your jawline making you gasp for air.

Also, you weren’t completely still, constantly shifting your hands up and down over his torso upwards his neck, desperately feeling everything, you can for the last time. Sangyeon’s locks tickled you softly while he suddenly latched his mouth onto your neck right below your ear.

“No. Please, I just want a kiss on my lips.”, you said lowly, closely resembling a whine afterwards. He complied pretty quickly, leaving you with no thought but him tickling your bottom lip with his warm tongue. With him being this fast, you didn’t want to keep him on his toes. Entirely engaged in this moment, hands surprised you again on your waist, wandering closer and closer under the blouse you were wearing. You moaned into the kiss, making him take the opportunity to maneuver his tongue into your mouth.

Similarly to you, he was also stunned for a short moment when you grabbed up onto some strands of hair. A sigh left his now plump lips, a need of fresh air arrived onto both of you. Yet this was short lived, his hands captured your chin and attached his lips again onto yours in a matter of mere seconds. A bell rang, close footsteps to be heard across the floor reminding you of the situation you were in.

“Why am doing this? I am so sorry.”, you broke off his lips and took a step backwards at the door.

“[Y/N], we both did this, and it won’t happen again. We just need some time without each other. I think it would be for the best if we don’t spend time together alone anymore.”

“Are you doing what I think you’re doing? I don’t know what to say. I-.”, His lips captured yours again fast with a lot more force behind his kiss.

A strong arm shut the about to be opened door again and hovered over your head. The other one caught grabbed your chin with an almost contradictory feeling to it, the lightest touch just to shove you into his direction. You sighed into his lips, waiting for him to commit with his tongue one more time. Buttery lips pressed against yours and clang inside your mouth. Fiercely did your tongues meet, ending with him sucking on yours. Wet cheeks batting against each other with no intent of separating, your movement still came to a halt.

“You know what? I hate this. I want you to be happy, then if it is with her, I will just y’know…go or uhm mind my business.”, you slurred the last part. It wasn’t really one of your most prideful moments. Still flushed with tears and embarrassment you dropped again against the room door.

“I ask for one condition though,” incredibly hearse was your voice after the crying and even more so because of your follow up, “I do not not want to see you for some time, I don’t want to have to see your face ever again.” Tears weren’t anymore swelling up in your eyes, they never seemed to stop running down with no chance of leaving this conversation with an ounce of self-respect and pride.

It wasn’t even really much of a problem to leave him behind for a bit, it most likely would be for the best anyway, yet while his words should only leave a small mark and feel like a ripped off band aid, you felt alone. A sense of loneliness crept stealthily into you leaving you with nothing but a severe feeling of dread.

“If that is what you want, I’ll respect that.” The room got quieter till you heard the last of his words: “Of course, I still want you in on my wedding though, you’re still my best friend.” Sangyeon’s usual soft and kind smile appeared on his face, seemingly reaching you an olive branch. The former assertiveness and confidence drained through the conversation; you were nothing but a wreck.

“Alright, I’ll be there.”

The ceremony was beautiful. Fairy like flowers were hung all across the beach space, making the place more surreal than it was to begin with. Everything light with a hint of light green and an even lighter lavender tone. The air seemed to have evaporated all the tension and sadness from your face. All across the seats were relatives and friends sitting with a nervously happy face. Ironically, he really thought it was going to be you someday.

“You’re [Y/N], right? Everyone always tried to introduce me to you. Now we’re sitting next to each other at Sangyeon’s wedding together! I’m Juyeon by the way.”

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