#and just be stuck in that downward spiral of negativity | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

not-poignant · 7 months

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OMG, I literally found your Astarion/Raphael fic yesterday, desperately looking for something like it. So happy someone else had the same brain worms as me XD

I was wondering if I could pick your brain a bit about what kind of direction you think you will take the fic? I was wondering if you had any plans in your head or if you are just following the vibes so to speak.

Especially with Raphael being in the pairing, I wondered if this is more of a "It turns out they are actually good for each other" kind of thing or more of a "Astarion has to find out what his life is going to be now/get over some things and Raphael will enjoy every second of making him squirm" kind of thing.

In any case, I am looking forward to reading more, thank you :)

Hi hi,

So I guess answering this would kind of be talking about really end-game spoilers, but I also don't have a plan for this story beyond Astarion/Raphael, and 'hopeful ending.'

(I mean I do have more than that, I just don't know how much of that I want to reveal at this stage, when it's only chapter 5, and this story could easily be over 40 chapters long - there's a lot of potential for change and growth that could alter the trajectory of the relationship in a lot of different directions.'

What I will say is that:

I do not consider Astarion giving into a regular non-consensual situation and just accepting it and making painful peace with it, a hopeful ending type situation. Agency is important to me in my characters. Even if he one day decides to voluntarily submit to scenes he doesn't love - that would at least be a choice. Anything done while under contract with difficult consequences will not be where the hopeful ending happens.

It's an Astarion/Raphael story, therefore the hopeful ending will be an Astarion/Raphael ending. That's just how my brain works. It will not be a 'they break up and THAT'S why it's hopeful.' However, the end may not have a conventional looking relationship. And I've written unconventional endings in relationships before (like Stuck on the Puzzle)

For me, a hopeful ending (as opposed to a happy ending) means that we have to have confidence in the idea that Astarion's life will continue to improve and get better even after the story has ended. There's now enough evidence that he has enough enrichment and potentially for happiness in his life, that he won't downward spiral like he has in the same way again. This means he needs - more support, more healing, healthier avenues for communication even if the relationship isn't healthy overall all the time/every second, and some pretty big personal realisations about what he wants in life. Hopeful ending is both 'better than where we found him, but also genuinely, when most people think on the last chapter, they think 'he's got some ways to go in healing, but I really think he's/they're going to be okay'' not just physically, but also emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

Those are the things I'm happy to reveal because that's how I feel about almost all of my hopeful endings. That's what that means to me.

I do think Raphael and Astarion can actually be good for each other, but I think we're missing huge pieces of the puzzle as to why that's true. Because we're missing so much of Raphael's post-death story, because he's deliberately hiding it.

But we'll find out more soon. At some point, High Inquisitor Verillius Receptor will visit, and then we'll find out a lot more, lol.

(Also yeah this story will be long, easily I suspect around 150k in length as a baseline - we're on an emotional journey folks! Sometimes the growth will be healthy, sometimes it'll be negative, we're going in all the directions lmao).

#asks and answers #palmarosa #thespectaclesofthor #raphael x astarion #astarion x raphael #bg3 raphael #bg3 astarion #hopeful ending #hopeful endings #a hopeful ending isn't unequivocally happy #we know he'll still have trauma #maybe he'll even still have grief about things in his life #(of course he will - his life is fucking tragic and running from it constantly isn't great for him)#it's not like 'marriage and kids' and kind of stereotypical happiness #it's more like a sigh of relief #and a feeling of confidence and trust #if i can get those feelings in the readers #like 'oh wow we made it oh he's on such a good path now'#that's the aim #and frankly i don't think any ending where astarion has been brainwashed #into being a happy captive #is a hopeful ending for astarion #even if raphael *is* kinder to him #freedom/agency matter sdaflkfjas #especially for astarion #but he will spend most of the fic under contract

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seidigardensystem · 1 year

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Your Words Matter

Dear Therapists,

I had just logged into a Zoom session for my Diagnosing Pathology class and my cohort was in deep discussion with one particular student as we all waited for our professor. This student in particular was already working in some sort of clinical setting, not yet giving therapy, but a new client profile had come across her desk with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. She didn’t know much about the diagnosis herself, but she was concerned because her boss said, “Whoa, good luck with that one. Borderlines are very difficult to work with.”

Difficult. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that word. Every time I hear a professional utter the word, “difficult” when referencing a client it stings. Is that how you really see us? As patients/clients that are stuck in a downward spiral whose struggles are too much for you to handle? Don’t you believe in what you do and that there is hope for us?

My heart breaks for whoever this person is that has borderline personality disorder because the cards have been stacked against them before they’ve even gotten started. One of my school assignments required me to write about working with a difficult population and this was my response:

“If we get the idea that a particular diagnosis or population is difficult to work with it feels like we are setting ourselves up for failure. Maybe we will treat them differently or have lower expectations or refuse to work with them because we have a negative perception.”

In 2022, I attended the Healing Together conference hosted by An Infinite Mind in Orlando, Florida. I was sitting in a session where I could hear and learn about lived experiences with dissociation and an excerpt from a book was read aloud as an example of how some clinicians view dissociative identity disorder. The presenter who read the excerpt was sad, the audience was sad, and I felt infuriated. The gist of the excerpt talked about how a clinician should be wary because clients with dissociative identity disorder are difficult to work with and that they bring unsolvable problems to therapy.

Unsolvable problems? Listen, if a client’s problem was easy to solve, they wouldn’t need therapy! Of course we are bringing our unsolvable problems to you. We believe in your ability to help us. We were trusting you enough to share our struggles. When we hear you call us difficult, challenging, resistant, and a myriad of other words, you break our trust and confidence.

My ask of you is that you reframe your perspective of difficult clients. My therapist always says that behavior is communication, so when you find a client’s behavior particularly difficult, ask yourself, “What is my client trying to tell me?” “What does my client need right now?” Seek out peer consultation or supervision without passing judgment on how difficult a client is for you.

I’ve always carried around my own judgment about myself as a client in therapy. I used to tell my therapist, “Thank you for putting up with me” and her response was, “There’s nothing to put up with.” When I had the opportunity to watch her present at a conference once, I went up to her just before it started to tell her she’d do a great job. She just smiled and said, “Everything I’m presenting today, I learned from you.” I thought about that for a long time. Not once, in our years of therapy had she ever shown any indication of frustration, feeling challenged, or felt I was difficult. She simply adapted her interventions as needed.

The NICABM posted back on June 11, 2022 on their Facebook page a quote from Pat Ogden, PhD; “When we call clients resistant or difficult, it’s because our interventions are not working and we feel incompetent.” As clients, we don’t think you’re incompetent. We think there’s something wrong with us and we believe you when we hear you say we’re difficult. So, please, choose carefully. Your words matter.

Sincerely,

A DID Client

References

NICABM. (2022, June 11). What may at first seem like opposition or resistance can often signal a client’s deepest struggles. [Status Update]. [Image attached]. Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/NICABM/photos/10159170676011314

#DID #dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #trauma #mental health #trauma therapy #borderline personality disorder #counseling #healing #talk therapy #complex trauma #ptsd recovery #healing trauma #mental heath awareness

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coffyao · 7 days

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just one of those self-indulgent nights

summary:

After Margaret breaks the news that she is going off to university, Mordecai ends up spiralling downwards, and Rigby is unfortunately left to pick up the pieces. One late night however, when he comes across a Mordecai that is ready to drink all his pains away, what better way to help to help him in his self-destruction by drinking with him too.

link to my a03: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalaloopsyland

“Mordecai? what are you...”

“Overdue for a refreshing and long drink.”

Mordecai opens the fridge, and takes out a few beer bottles from it, placing them in the middle of the table. He then pulls out his chair, and sits on it, his right arm lazily placed on the top of it.

“c’mere rigby.”

It was the first time he saw Mordecai come out of his room in weeks, and it clearly showed through his unkempt look, where his wolf cut mullet had stuck out in the wrong places, and his crusty five-year-old boxers made a reappearance. His white shirt had dried coffee stains, and his eyes were puffy and swollen.

Your still crying over her?

“... you shouldn’t be drinking,” rigby said, reaching out for the bottles until Mordecai gripped his hand, his resolve for a drink, immoveable.

“Well, I need to. So, either drink with me or go the fuck away.”

Mordecai loosened his grip and rigby hastily pulled his hand away, nursing it slow rubs against the skin.

Mordecai had been depressed over Margeret before, but not to the degree rigby had been aware of before. Mordecai had always been the stronger one, the one who could bounce back from any kind of trouble they got themselves in.

But he was never resilient when it came to his lovesickness. His undeserved love for Margeret.

And now, his obsession had started to negatively impact his life, and he's pushing the people that care the most for him.

She really isn’t special.

Rigby pulls his own chair, and sits down, taking the beer in his hand.

“I guess I'm going to have to join you then,” Rigby said, unscrewing the top and taking a long sip from it. He then smacks his lips and lets out a dramatic sigh, obviously pointed towards Mordecai.

“so, you drinking or what?” pushing the bottle towards mordecai, lifting his eyebrow.

“... Of course I am.”

---

“god, my life really sucks,” mordecai slurred, finishing the fifth bottle before knocking it to the side.

“Why does it suck,” rigby asked, tipping the beer into his mouth.

“B-because, margeret man...”

This guy.

“margeret isn’t the only woman in the world,” rigby said, and leaned his elbows forward, looking straight at mordecai.

“...y-you will meet someone better.”

Mordecai shakes his head and continues his self-deprecation.

“no...no I'm useless with other women, I can’t...”

which was partially true. Mordecai wasn’t great with women in general, but when he invested his time and energy into one person only, he could be pretty decent at it. Unlike Rigby, he had a lot of potential.

“you aren’t...”

“I m-must be if the p-people I like want to leave me.”

what about me?

“...not true. pops, benson, skips, high-five ghost and....” listing each with his fingers, becoming more unsure as he named them.

Mordecai scoffs condescendingly and takes another bottle into his hand.

“That doesn’t...fuck...count.”

“...Why wouldn’t it? They're your friends, aren’t they?”

If it was a year ago, Rigby would have laughed at the idea of being friends with hardcore stickler Benson, or the sheltered weirdo pops, but once he got to know the whole gang, he started to think of them as a second family.

Not that I would admit this.

And although they tried to get Mordecai out of his slump, he stubbornly remained in his room, and let himself succumb to his own heartbreak.

But Rigby didn’t get it. Margeret was just a regular chick.

She doesn’t know him like I do.

“... and I'm still here, aren’t I?” rigby mumbles, a vulnerable slip of the tongue that he regretted once he said it, as his cheeks grew hot and mordecai sported an unusual emotion on his face.

Fuck me. Fuck...

“Yeah. I guess...that's uf...true.”

Mordecai lets go of the beer bottle and stands up, stumbling towards the sink until he gets a hold of the edge, and runs his face off with cold water.

He finally turns the tap off, and turns toward rigby, as his hair blocked his eyes and his damp shirt stuck to his chest. It made for a pitiful sight.

“so...get wasted with me all night alright? I'm counting on you.”

but it didn't feel bad that he was only one that could be counted on.

"as long as you don't choke in your own vomit."

#mordecai and rigby #regular show rigby #regular show #mordecai regular show #rigby #mordecai #a03 fanfic #a03 fic #read on a03

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theambitiouswoman · 10 months

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Hello sweet stuff, I hope you're having a great week!!

How do I believe that I am enough and let go of the fear that I won't be able to do it, Something is going to happen and it's gonna go wrong and I'll fall into a downward spiral.

This is because my past experiences have been terrible in my control and outside of it , there's a lot of trauma involved there. So I don't know how to start believing in myself, not compare myself to others, and sabotage myself by my own thoughts! It's really bothering me esp with school coming up I'm scared bcuz that's usually where it just fumbles somehow!

Thank you so much in advance💗

Babygirl, you need to start believing in yourself and letting go of fear. Start by challenging negative thoughts that say you're not good enough or will fail. Understand that making mistakes is okay. We are going to make mistakes. Even if we do everything right. Our actions after that determine who we really are and what we are made of. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

When we make mistakes, it's important to know how to pivot, which means adjusting our approach and trying something different. Instead of getting stuck or giving up, we learn from our mistakes and find new ways to handle the situation. Pivoting helps us grow and become better at handling challenges. It's like changing our direction to reach our goals even after stumbling along the way. So, don't be afraid of mistakes; see them as opportunities to pivot and find a better path forward.

Forgive yourself for your past experiences. Do not let your pain transform you into someone you are not. This is your life, and you can take control of it and decide who YOU want to be no matter what happened to you before.

I completely understand that your past experiences have been tough and have left you feeling unsure about yourself. It's difficult not to compare yourself to others and to stop sabotaging your own thoughts. Instead of comparing yourself to others, try to focus on your own progress and small wins. Take things step by step, and celebrate each little achievement. When negative thoughts come up, try to challenge them and remind yourself of your strengths and past successes.

Break your goals into smaller steps and celebrate your own progress. Life is about taking risks and proving to ourselves that we are capable. Do not put excess pressure on yourself aside from that. Imagine yourself succeeding already to build a positive mindset. See failures as opportunities to learn. Take small steps towards your goals and face your fears. Stay present and grateful. Life is a journey, and you can grow and become the person you want to be because YOU are in control.

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bluewinnerangel · 2 years

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Here i found a good analysis of Angels Fly and how its a response to Harry's Falling.

Harry: "There's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands"

Louis: "There were problems in this empty bottle at the bottom but we drained all that"

Harry: "What am I now? What am I now?" - crying out

Louis: "You'll be okay, we can talk tomorrow" - it'll be ok

Harry: "And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say"

Louis: "You'll be ok, we can talk tomorrow, I'm on my way with some time to borrow"

Harry: "And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again"

Louis: "I'll knock on your door, it'll save me from callin'" - ill always need you

Falling - Harry panicing that he is loosing control. Song is laced with a feeling of panic.

Angels Fly - You will be okay. We will be okay. I am here if you need me.

Harry : Im falling

Louis : No babe, youre an angel and youre flying, not falling!

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Credit

Okay I thought I'd try to find parallels myself... I think they're both generic enough that this can work coincidentally but yeah let's entertain it, I guess as Angels Fly as a response to Falling

I'd like to apologize for this use of colors laksjdlksj anyway. Things that stand out to me

Both songs have this duality of not wanting to talk about it and very much wanting to talk about it. Basically we can't talk about it right now but this isn't over there is more to say, just right now I feel like there isn't. Falling is someone stuck in a downwards spiral and Angels Fly could be read as someone trying to be there for someone who is.

The repeating of "I'm falling I'm falling I'm falling" vs "angels fly, high, you'll see angels fly, high" uuf

I highlighted the "and I get the feeling that you'll never need me again" vs "put the pain behind you now you don't need it anymore" because I thought it was a good contrast of someone lost in their thoughts vs someone with some more clarity of what is needed

I also think this one verse in Face The Music fits in this with "Close your eyes and count to ten / If you’re standing on the edge of falling / Open up and looking down / Everything that matters is forgotten" like lines 1/3/4 parallel Angels Fly and then the 2nd drops a falling. It fits with Saved By A Stranger too.

I. fucking. love. "but we drained all that" in Angels Fly. It might be my favorite thing of the whole song. So he's like "there were problems in this empty bottle, at the bottom, but we drained all that", so here he's using "problems in this empty bottle" which makes you think there was substance abuse, whether it was alcohol or pills, then "at the bottom" works in multiple ways already, like you're down-and-out as falling describes but also literally the bottle's empty and you're seeing the bottom, but then "but we drained all that", gives you the visual of throwing the contents of the bottle away, flushing it down the toilet, draining it down the sink, but in the context of the rest of the verse it's "but we've already gone over that and we're past it and about specifically that there's nothing to say anymore", and drained when someone is just completely depleted, exhausted, not much left, but now for my lil larriebrain specifically in relation to falling I'm seeing Harry's affinity to water, I'm seeing nautical watery splashsplashness I'm seeing the Falling music video where the entire concept is him drowning in a room that is being filled with water, that then will need to be drained lol. There's this reoccurring imagery in both their discographies where they're talking about a glass or a swimming pool being in various stages of filled and it's just giving this extra layer for me of draining being both positive and negative here. The glass is empty, they're at the bottom, and it's drained. There's no water. But then it's spun to positive that they drained the problems? yeah something like that.

But as always keep in mind this is just one interpretation of the song, we're just entertaining the thought of one being a response to the other. Or maybe that's not described right, rather that they both have written a song sparked from the same situation.

#the PSA bc sorry but the fking source going pRoOf i almost didnt post just bc of that aslkdjlk

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mamamittens · 2 years

Text

Firework (+18)

No artwork this time I'm afraid. Got a late start to the day.

Ace/Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: overstimulation, massaging/oil kink, oral (male receiving), a lot of fondling, some light ass play, heavy petting, title/authority kink, hella body worship, pearl necklace, swallowing, and technically snowballing.

Not necessarily in that order.

Oh! And while I imagine some people would be thrilled to receive help for mental health issues in this way, do remember that "magic dick" is a trope and not real. The temporary high does not, in fact, negate any trauma or negative thought process one might suffer from the rest of the time. Though I imagine a Pavlov response could convince you otherwise.

I might continue this later (and I'll absolutely take requests for the direction/gender shenanigans it will go if anyone is bold enough to ask for specifics lmao)

Word Count: 3385

(if you don't see DiCaprio, I managed to slide in a pic I made instead lmao)

It’s a surprise.

Your presence in his room that is.

While no one could claim that Ace was the pinnacle of good mental health, he’d been a lot more introspective and depressed lately. Nothing too big or worrying, certainly not enough to really alarm anyone on the crew… but you noticed.

It… happened every so often. He get stuck in his head, slowly spiraling downward. Slipping down a slope he is ill-prepared to climb back up. But that was okay. It wasn’t unexpected for him to backslide a bit. That’s what you’re for. Well, having a large, loving family helps too. But the crew of strong men and an even stronger father figure weren’t quite equipped for the… let’s say finesse it would take to pull Ace out of the tailspin he had started.

While you never enjoyed seeing him this low, you would be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy the process of bringing him back up. It wasn’t like he never appreciated your effort or returned the favor, when possible, either. He’d never ask for you to do this, but the way he never retreated or asked you to stop spoke louder than anything else. Coyly tried to derail you, convince you it wasn’t necessary? Sure. He tries that.

But by the end of the night, he’d be begging for more.

The door opened, Ace’s silhouette a desponded shadow against the light in the hall as he stepped into the dark room. His eyes were cast down as he went to flip on the light but paused. He looked up at you, a blush washing down clear to his chest.

You just smiled softly, basking in the candlelight you had set around the room as you leaned back on his bed. It almost hurt how he didn’t even protest or convince you that it was okay for you to go to sleep.

He must have been thinking very dark thoughts this time around.

The door clicked shut as the lock slid into place.

In the dim light, you could still see his blush as he crept closer to you until he was standing at the foot of the bed. Perfectly between your legs. Gently, always so gently, you reached out and caressed his hips. Running your fingertips lightly up the grooves of his abs, invoking a light shudder when you ran your palms over his chest. Reaching up, you smiled as he leaned in to allow you to cradle his chin.

“Hey, firefly. How are you feeling?” Ace let out a shuddering breath, turning his head to press his lips to your palm. “Ah… not good, huh baby? That’s okay. I’m right here.” You stood up, still holding his face so he was forced to stand still as you pressed your body against his. With one hand, you lifted up his hat and placed it onto your own head, his eyes never leaving you as they glowed with heat and longing.

“You look good in my hat. You know that?” Ace whispered, leaning forward to press his lips over yours, hands settling over your lower back as you lean against him. You allowed him this moment. The soft slid of this kiss as it deepened, Ace’s tongue hot as it tangled with your own. You could feel both your hearts shudder as he kept pressing his luck, rubbing his tongue over your lips before gently dominating the kiss again.

You slid your foot around his leg, gripping his waist as his erection swelled against you. Then you shoved him, spinning your positions around so his back slammed into the mattress. Reflexively, Ace braced himself, pushing his tongue deep with a gasp. Surprised, he pulled back, taking in how you were caging him in. Looming over him with a slightly smug grin. There was no mistaking the appreciative look in his eyes, or the erection—his attempt to derail your plan long forgotten. Just as you thought it would be.

Then you got off of him, the look on his face as you walked over to the bedside table one of almost betrayal. Until he saw you grab an unmarked bottle.

“You’ve worked so hard, Commander. I think you’ve earned a little… treat.” You declared, giving him a long look as he openly flushed at the use of his new title. Swallowing hard, he looked at you like he didn’t know what to do with himself. Smiling indulgently, you slipped the bottle into your pocked and walked back over to him. Patting his thighs, you looked at him. “Slide up, firefly. Time to relax.”

He scrambled to kick off his boots and lay on the bed properly. Barely having time to get comfy before you grabbed his hips and flipped him over. An unexpected whimper muffled into the pillows as you smiled. Sitting just below the curve of his ass, you took the bottle and poured some of the oil onto your hands, making sure to not make a mess. Not yet at least.

The slick oil grew warm over your palms as your indulgently pressed your hands into his lower back. Digging your thumbs along his spine. He groaned as his back arched, distinct pops echoing in the room.

“O-Oh… hng, b-babe…” Ace murmured as he clutched a pillow to his face, unable to look back at you. That was okay though. You could feel his body temperature rising as you rubbed the oil into his skin, kneading the defined muscle beneath as you forced him to relax.

“I hear you, Commander. You work so hard. Did you know that? You’ve come so far. So strong and beautiful.” You whispered, pleased that Ace was struggling to muffle his moans beneath you, desperately trying to hear your praise. “I’m so blessed to see how pretty you are like this. Your big, strong muscles are flexing under my hands, do you like this firefly?”

“Y-Yeess~” Ace keened into the pillow, hips flexing to grind against the mattress fruitlessly. The air seemed to waver as the temperature rose. The candles flickering.

“Oh, you put on such a pretty show for me, Commander. What’s happening with the candles, Commander? Don’t you like this? Are you trying to stop me?” you teased, hands kneading the sides of his ribcage as you moved up to his shoulder blades. Leaning in close, you could hear his frantic denials.

“No! Nonono—nnn~ Please baby, don’t stop! Your hands feel so good—wh-what’s in the oil it’s so hot--!” Ace whined as you licked up his exposed nape. Your grip on his biceps was firm as you rubbed the oil in, taking care with the flexing muscles as he shuddered and gasped beneath you, “P-Please—Oh! W-What are you doing to me?”

You chuckled into his hair, nuzzling in close to kiss the back of his ear.

“Oh, Ace… I’m loving you like you deserve. You’re so sweet for me. The oil is a relaxant. Topical. Meant to work better when hot—and you’re doing so good warming it up for me.” You whispered into his ear as he turned his head, finally looking at you. You worked your hands down his forearms, still kneading in the oil as you made your way to his hands still clutching the pillow.

Ace leaned back, lifting his head to kiss you as you moved further away. Teasing him into letting go in an attempt to force your lips to his. With his hands free you laced your fingers together and rewarded him with a deep, open kiss. Enjoying the broken cries as you ground your hips into his ass, forcing his own hips to grind what must be an aching erection into the mattress. This time you were the one pressing deeper into his mouth, stroking your tongue over and around his as he panted for air.

Your hips ground into his ass sensually as you let go of his hands, running your fingers over his thoroughly oiled back, digging into the sore knots until Ace was close to tears. When his breath hitched, you pulled back, soothing his soft protests as he whined. Intimately close to an orgasm that you denied him—for now. His skin felt scalding to the touch, but you were far from done unraveling the ball of anxiety that had formed around his heart.

You moved off of him, pressing a consolation kiss to the dip in his spine when he cried out. Your hands were quick to remove your own clothes, but the way you lingered over the waistband of his pants was slow and sinful. Ace, blushing and openly panting, looked over his shoulder at you, eyes taking in your naked body—save for his hat you had made sure to keep. Without even asking, Ace rolled back his hips, lifting his ass for you as your fingers dug beneath his jeans. Teasingly, you ran your hands around the band until you reached the silky skin below his abs.

You smelled something burning as you brushed his pubic hair, reaching for the throbbing erection with what little room you could manage to get.

“Easy, Commander. We’re not done yet.” You pressed a kiss on his back, withdrawing your hands to remove his belt as Ace sucked in harsh, shuddering breaths, trying to reign himself back in. If he set the bed on fire, there was no way you could keep going. “Will I need to invest in sea stone, Commander? Or can my pretty firefly hold it in?”

“Please! Oh—f-fuck please don’t stop baby—” Ace nearly screamed.

One of your favorite things about Ace? How quickly he came undone when you worshipped him like this.

Not wanting to be cruel, you gently pulled down his pants and boxers, kissing down his back and over his ass as you exposed his skin. Inch by inch. Ace nearly kicked you as he shoved his pants off his legs and to the floor. Just to remind him who was in charge, you pressed down hard on his tailbone, forcing him back onto the bed. If Ace apologized, it was lost in the sweet moan as you grabbed the sides of his hips.

Then, like nothing happened, you kneaded the soft swell of his ass in gentle circles. Resolutely ignoring when Ace keened as your thumbs dipped between them to brush the twitching muscle, pressing down into his perinium. When Ace shuddered, on the brink of orgasm with your thumbs rubbing firmly into his exposed balls, you pulled back. Pretending like you couldn’t hear Ace’s broken pleads as you started massaging his thighs instead.

It wasn’t that Ace couldn’t recover after one orgasm—but you had a plan. And for that plan, you needed Ace desperate and ready to agree to anything you said.

Taking a moment to let him cool down, you applied more oil to your hands. Really appreciating the thick scent of Ace’s arousal mixing with the heady oil. You were burning up—almost aching with arousal now yourself—but there would be plenty of time for that later. You knew full well Ace would consider returning the favor payback for what you were about to do.

When Ace’s breathing had calmed down, you resumed your ministrations. Rubbing into his thighs and forcing him to relax under your hands. His calves were almost jelly now, though you still kneaded the thick muscles on your way to his feet. The oil worked into his ankles and heel, a deep groan echoing in the quiet between soft sighs.

Sure that Ace wouldn’t be able to move on his own, you flipped him over, leaving him no room to hide. His face was flush, eyes heavy with arousal as he licked his lips. His chest heaved for fresh air not thick with the scent of oil and precum. Glancing down, you only smiled at the dark smear where his cock was grinding moment before. It was dark and stiff, leaking pre like water, pubic hair damp and glistening. But you stuck to the plan. Ignoring his aching erection to run your hands over his shins. Every inch of skin coated in oil along the way.

His thighs twitched as his hips jolted, almost attempting to fuck the air in a desperate attempt to entice you. But you merely rubbed firm strokes along the thick muscle until he was boneless again. Your hands teasing around his erection to attend to his hips. He was begging again, words slurring as he gripped at nothing, seemingly incapable of doing anything besides gaze down at you with a heated stare. The scent of hot oil spiked as you leaned over his cock. But you were only positioning yourself to sit on his thighs so you could massage his lower stomach.

“F-Fuck you’re so damn mean—please fuck me—H-Oh fuck me I need it please baby—” Ace sputtered uselessly before he seemed to get an idea just as you were digging your thumbs under his belly button and along the grooves of his lower abs, “O-Order—that’s an order—fuck please I-I- ‘m ordering you please just let me cum—”

You leaned over his body, allowing your stomach to grind over his leaking cock, kissing him into silence. You smirked over his lips, allowing him to desperately swipe his tongue deep. Your hands were firm against his hips though, keeping him from grinding into you properly.

“Oh, Commander, an order? Are you giving me an order?” You teased, arching your back to make space for his cock.

“Yes! Yes, fuck I am!” Ace growled into your lips, hands almost slamming over your ass cheeks. But he was still so weak and relaxed despite his desperation—unable to force you close like he craved.

“So, you’re worthy of it, aren’t you firefly? All that hard work for this power—you deserve this. Don’t you Commander?” You said, slowly grinding your stomach over his stiff cock, smearing precum and oil over your body. “Take what you deserve Commander Ace. Cum for me.”

You let Ace slam your body into his, kiss more teeth and tongue in his needy state as he bruised your ass grinding you against his cock. A deep moan rumbled in his chest as he threw his head back, releasing scorching hot cum between your bodies. Satisfied but not done yet, you braced yourself and started grinding against his hold more. Smearing the hot liquid between you both as more seeped between you, the slick sound echoing between the soft, overstimulated moans Ace couldn’t contain.

After he stopped shaking and his grip on your ass relaxed, you pulled back. Sitting into place again, you picked up where you left off, this time massaging Ace’s cum into his skin as well as oil. Ace, blushing and embarrassed, keened at the sight. His hands still on your ass as his fingers flexed. Fucked and beyond words, Ace looked up at you with want. You merely continued up his abs, making sure to fondle every inch of skin along the way.

The way Ace grunted when you leaned over to kiss him, hands running over his pecs and nipples, stomach once again grinding into his cock—it was satisfying beyond words. Well worth the ever-growing heat and arousal. He moaned into your tongue, hands gripping under your cheeks to hitch you up further, seeking a more intimate grind. You only allowed him a moment of fevered, wishful thinking. Slipping from his hands, you moved downwards.

When the tip of his cock brushed you chin, Ace keened, smearing more precum along your jawline as it bobbed. His hands wove into your hair, seeking to ground himself as you let the head of his dick sit on your tongue, oozing pre as you merely breathed over it. You didn’t bother reminding him to control his fire.

He’d never harm you like that.

Though the sharp hiss as you sealed your lips over the tip of his cock reminded you strongly of evaporating steam. Sea salt and heady arousal flooded your mouth as he came. You hadn’t forgotten how easily he wound himself up—that was the reason you started this encounter after all—but you expected to at least take half of his cock before he flooded your mouth. His cum was just as overwhelmingly hot as you expected, hotter still was the broken moan as Ace realized what he had done. Swiping your tongue under his pulsing cock, you slowly inched down, frequently swallowing to make room for more until your nose was buried in his dark pubes.

Ace didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands, struggling to not fuck your throat as his hips twitched to thrust up into your mouth. They tugged lightly on your hair in conflicting directions, the sting light in comparison to the ache on your ass from his earlier grip. You delicately moved your hands to the inside of his hips, pushing them apart lightly and relishing how they twitched beneath you. Finally, Ace realized what he wanted, cupping the back of your head as he looked down into your eyes.

You stared back in challenge, lifting your head against the light pressure of his palm to respond.

“Take what you deserve Commander.” You whispered, teasingly allowing your lips to brush over the leaking head of his cock. You scarcely were able to lick the source of his precum before his hands settled over his hat. And slammed you down his cock.

You nearly choked, nails digging into the tendons between his thighs before you moved to cradle his ass. The muscles there flexed as he drove his cock down your throat, fucking your face as he chased another orgasm. Though you relaxed, your lips were firm, suckling and tongue rubbing along his length.

“F-Fuck yeah, you take my cock so well—I want you so bad. I always do. You’re so much more than I deserve—” You almost bruised his ass as your grip flexed tighter, his hold stuttering to ram you hard into his cock, “S-Sorry—fuck I-I… I deserve this. All of this. Your body—your lips—all of it—all of this is mine a-and I de-deserve it—Ngghh~!” Ace came down your throat, cum burning hot as it warmed your body more. His hat was pushed down your head as Ace’s hands cradled your face. Cheeks full of scalding cum, you locked eyes with him as he gently pressed his thumbs over the swelling. Despite your best efforts to swallow it all down with his cock heavy on your tongue and in your throat, some spilled out under the pressure.

Ace moaned softly, dragging your face up and off his cock. Still cumming, his cock shot out and decorated your face with hot cum. It dripped down your face, over your jaw, and across your chest. And Ace looked at you all the while, clearly getting aroused by the sight of fresh cum mixing with the slowly drying mess on your lower body. When you thought he was finished, cock just as flushed as before but no longer dripping and spitting liquid, you smiled.

“I love you.”

Ace keened as his cock twitched, shooting more hot cum over your chest as you both watched in surprise. It was shorter than the last, Ace clearly reaching his limit without a break in your assault on his body and heart, but no less hot and thick. Without a word, Ace pulled you up and slammed his lips over yours.

His tongue licking the smeared cum on your face and lips before driving it into your mouth. He growled as you retreated, holding you closer to force the kiss deeper.

Now, it was your turn.

Pulling back just enough for air, tongues still tangled as you both panted, you keened back at him. Ace chuckled and you knew you were in for it. His self-confidence swinging wildly in the other direction now.

“As your Commander, I think it’s time you were rewarded for your… services. But for your insolence, I’m going to make you scream. After all, you deserve it.” Ace threatened hotly before returning his tongue between your lips to silence any protest.

Not that there would be any.

#one piece smut #portgas d ace #ace X reader #gender neutral reader #minors dni #is this filthy or sweet #you decide #I'm not doing anything else for the 4th so this seems like the next best thing #*cue the 'glory glory what a hell of a way to die' music

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snowysobsessions · 7 months

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"Quickly" Reviewing Four Nine Inch Nails Albums

A few months ago Germs by Weird Al and Closer were stuck in my head for several days. On a gut intuition I said "Well, I obviously like this music, why not check out more Nine Inch Nails?"

Currently I am attempting to steal Trent Reznor's gender and haven't listened to much non-NIN music last few months. So I'd say I might be a big fan. Possibly.

I'd like to thank my new friend Gray for giving a very helpful recommendations on what albums to start with. <3

For this I'll start with the few negatives, then move on to the many positives. Because I like ending on a positive note. :) We'll also be going in the order I listened to them as opposed to order of release.

Pretty Hate Machine: 8/10

Negative: I find because nearly all the instruments are fairly simple synths and MIDI soundfonts, the sound can get kind of monotonous when you listen to the entire album in one sitting. A lot of it sounds like video game music from 1990-1995 to me, which is oddly distracting. On first listen I kept asking "Why does this sound like DOOM music?" To be honest, I found Down In It the weakest track. Rap is just not Trent's thing and I'm glad he didn't pursue it.

Positive: Despite the limitations, these are really well put together tracks! I think this a very solid album, especially considering at the time no one was using synths this way. The melodies also feel very unique and are usually why these songs get stuck in my head. I found myself liking the lyrics way more than I anticipated. Even though they are dripping with teenage or young adult angst, which I typically don't like. The emotions on display are so raw and pure it's hard to not feel empathetic. It's hard to choose, but I'd say Terrible Lie and Sin are the strongest tracks to me. Just generally really good tracks that are addicting to listen to.

The Downward Spiral: 10/10

Negative: It's not an album I can listen to just anytime. I kinda have to be in a bit of a bad mood. Sometimes I find myself skipping songs that are very emotionally intense, like Big Man With A Gun and Hurt, because I'm so worn out and just want to enjoy some music. This album does not have a weakest track in my opinion. Any "lazy" writing lyrically or musically feels very intentional.

Positive: The positives on this one are really endless for me. Good lyric after good lyric. Amazing melodies and harmonies one after the other. Auditory assaults and walls of noise that are fun to listen to. Sound design that makes it feel like a soundscape of the mind. And I love that there's a story on top of all that. I could make a whole post about each individual track. This album takes you on a roller coaster that only goes down. Strongest track is extremely hard to choose, but I always come back to The Becoming. The odd time signatures, long verses, the increasing intensity of the vocals, and the theme of becoming something cold, emotionless, robotic, and other is a perfect combination to me.

With Teeth: 9.5/10

Negative: Not a lot of negatives here. Kinda has a similar problem to Pretty Hate Machine with the instruments sounding similar, although not nearly so much so. Sometimes I wish there were more songs that lead into each other. Weakest track is very hard to choose, they're all very good. But I'll go with Beside You In Time for no reason other than the throbbing synths legitimately give me a headache. Wish I could enjoy this song. </3

Positive: I really love the prominence of piano in this album, as well as the vocal layering and distortion effects. I also like the usage of guitars across this album, often I can almost feel the air vibrating with the strings. The sparing usage of swear words also means I can play nearly the whole album at work without issue. Generally I like this album a lot. It feels like something simultaneously from the future and the past. Strongest track for me boils down to personal preference. So I'll go with either All The Love In The World or The Line Begins To Blur, in my opinion two of Trent's most beautiful songs. They need to be put in a museum of some sort forever.

The Fragile: 20/10

Negative: Not much to speak of here. Sometimes the intense layering of sound plus high volume makes it feel like my ear drums are going to explode, but that is to be expected with NIN so I'm used to it. Can't name a weakest track. I look forward to all of them. It's 20/10 for a reason.

Positive: This may be one of the best albums I've listened to in my entire life. Every track has something memorable and creative. All feel meticulously designed to convey not an emotion, but Trent's exact state of mind at that moment. The lyrics are sparser than usual, but oh so much more impactful when they do arrive. It feels painfully real and deeply personal. It's not just a story of what-ifs anymore, it's reality. This album is a lengthy, beautiful mess of ideas and emotions and I wouldn't have it any other way. It is the most human a piece of art can be. Strongest track I think is almost forced to be La Mer. It impacted me emotionally so greatly I wrote a whole post about it before writing this section. Realistically I could make a post about each track if I wanted to, there's so much to talk about for each one.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

#snowy speaks #nine inch nails #nin #pretty hate machine #the downward spiral #the fragile #with teeth #long post #album review

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deliriumandmelancholia · 2 months

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I’m in one of those “nothing matters because it’s all fake anyway and I am going to die just like I am right now no matter what so it doesn’t matter” head-spaces lately and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I’ve been spending money I don’t have yet despite wanting to save for the future because in my brain right now there is no future there is only this moment, and this moment is fucking boring, lonely, anxious, and exhausted. I want it to be fucking spring already I mean for fuck’s fucking sake how long does winter have to drag on in this goth-forsaken country? I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate my brain. I hate being like this. I hate feeling like she doesn’t even exist when I can’t talk to her and see her. I hate how lonely I am. I hate how no one wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I hate how I have all this time and absolutely no one to spend it with. I hate going back to maladaptive daydreaming and watching TV for so long I have to stop it from automatically turning off twice. It’s every six hours I think. I hate being stuck in this town. I hate the fact that I’m all alone. I hate it when people tell me I’m not and that I can call anytime but when I try to call they rarely pick up. I hate being told I’m not alone when I literally am? I am so alone. It doesn’t matter why people don’t have time for me; I’m not saying it’s their fault but the truth is if no one has time for me, I am alone. Alone. I’m drowning in my own negativity and it becomes a downward spiral and I need others to pull me out of it because I’m useless at caring for myself, for myself. I resent the fact that the same people who tell me not to off myself are the same people who don’t have time for me. I’m alone. I’m alone and I can’t kill myself because everyone would blame themselves instead of understanding I am just so sick of the loneliness. It never goes away. I wasn’t meant for corporeal life.

#delirium and melancholia #bpd #mental illness #borderline personality disorder #stream of consciousness #dark writing #cw sui thoughts #cw sui #have i tried reaching out to people?#yes in the most cryptic ways you’d need to be a mind reader to understand

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katyspersonal · 4 months

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Honestly, not how I expected it to be resolved. I think I've seen what concept of coping in a human form would be like. After a long string of this person trying one way to blame me for everything after another and another and another. Back then in summer when A found out I vagueblogged about her, she tossed that "apology" at me and instantly blocked. In that message she claimed the reason why she threw us to Dr Eugene X and her horde of huntsmen was not something personal but her feeling morally obligated to provide any testimony she could in hopes to remedy situation. Like, showing truth rather than my self-defence or Dr Eugene X's exagerration (A's own words)

But this time, when I confronted her and she engaged in discussion, facade fell very fast and she admitted that she considered me deserving that backstabbing. That it was not a mistake like I started to think, not lack of psyop immunity, not twisted idea of her "duty" but intentional, calculated, malicious act with sole purpose to hurt me as a revenge for hurting her. That I deserved the whole arc of her pretending to have forgiven my paranoid outburst when she defended my stalker only to strike from the back. That I deserved backstabbing and that's why she did it. I was absolutely losing my shit and physically unable to think rationally from pain and fear, but she said I made a CHOICE to "start a war" with her, so I had no right to complain that she was "fighting dirty" (I am quoting her word to word here). Basically, A is Petrus lol

She said I used my trauma, mental illness and state of having been regularly stalked and slandered back then to "excuse" having hurt her by calling her brainwashed and two-faced, for defending THE person that reduced me to paranoid, aggressive mess to begin with. And as a final punch in the gut, she said that the way I reacted at her triggering my paranoia (even if not on purpose) was evidence that I haven't changed after what I was like 6 years ago. I asked how comes that the only way a person changes to the better is if they never make mistakes again or never have negative emotions again but got no response. Only attempt to rage quit on me for "pointless" discussion in the fashion of the worst narcissistic parent that just got their logical error pointed out. Not only a common Westerner L on not understanding how humans work, but also it was vile to use the biggest regret in my life against me like that.

I kinda.. trusted for that time that she WAS sorry for backstabbing me. But after sleeping for like 2 hours, in retrospective, from how much she bashed me for everythibg being entirely my fault, I assume she is only sorry because that action brought her more stress than it was worth. And she also considers herself more hurt out of us two after admitting that she completely forgot about me until I messaged her, when I haven't been able to stop hurting and crying because of her after half a year.

If you gonna carry out anything from another turn of my never ending downward spiral of epic fails, then 1) if someone's words are seriously hurtful and cruel and you didn't deserve them, obliterate the bastard verbally where they STAND! do not just conceal your pain not even once offering a chance to make up for the damage done, until you have a chance for revenge??? seriously WTF?! 2) however, if someone gets aggroed at you calling them two-faced to the point they have to plot revenge and victimblame, you've probably guessed right about them 3) paranoid outbursts and alike are not a calculated choice 4) some people don't know how humans work, just because someone tells you that you are an inconsiderate monster that can't stay in society without harming people and use your mental pain and trauma as an excuse to get away with it doesn't mean it is true (especially note it if you have BPD like me, I know yall have a toxic trait of hearing insane accusations about you and just agree with them) 5) for some reason my string of closures is stuck at "seeing ugly truth at last" theme. Can someone really good hurt me? Lol /j

It was still a valid point on her end that the way cruel, angry words I say without thinking can seriously wound someone who already has low self-esteem and depression. It is just better if I do not try to get close with people that have such problems until I can change my reaction to pain and fear from aggression to distancing. Not gonna happen soon because since early childhood it was anger that allowed me to persist at least somewhat against all the abuse within my family. Not crying, not hiding, not distancing. It is very hard wired in my brain to react at signs of danger by trying to destroy it.. so yeah, look, you've been warned. If you already feel like shit about yourself don't let me too close just in case, I am fine with emotional distance. Because when I get alerted or scared (of abandonment, being lied to, intent to harm me etc) I say bad, cruel shit that won't let you sleep for a while. I am sorry everyone who I already made feel unsafe with my outbursts.

#personal #/drama #/vent #closure #/negative #mental illness

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sentientgopro · 4 months

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Tomorrow marks one month since I cracked. 2 things have become very apparent over this time.

1: This is gonna be a long and hard year and a half before I can transition. The month has already felt wild, the disconnect between the change in mental state and actual, y'know, change, has been really jarring and will only get more so the more time passes with nothing changing.

2: Just how much I was wrong about at first and how much stuff there was under the surface. Sentences like "I don't feel dysphoria" and "I can easily be a guy for a while" spring to mind. lol. lmao even. It was only like a week and a half ago I was saying the name I think I like means nothing to me and is just a nice name and that itd probably stay that way until late into transition. But nope, I'm already kinda starting to feel that name. Atleast like 2 and a half years before I can actually start using it. Great.

For all the negatives, there's one thing that has persisted since day 3 and that is the permanent mood improvement. Not being able to transition till I can move out sucks, but it gives me something to look forward to, which it turns out I was in dire need of, with my only real reasons to live being reasons not to end it yet, as opposed to reasons why I should live. But I see it now. A happy future is very much within my grasp and I WILL make it happen. Being in a better mood has made it easier to get stuff done on a day to day basis, and getting stuff done makes me feel even better. I've been on an upward spiral that's doing pretty good at counteracting the downward spiral of increasing dysphoria.

That's more of a recap, and now that the dust has settled a bit for now and I haven't bren having as many big realisations about it, I've started thinking, "why now?" Its not like I didn't know about trans people. I've been involved in trans spaces for years, I've been having these kind of feelings for years too. What actually was it that truly set it off? Like, the true moment of understanding was my first scroll through r/egg_irl but what was it that compelled me to do that?

Idea one was my first real feeling of euphoria. I kinda knew what it was at the time, I just ignored it. A month or two prior to cracking, my hair was at the longest it had ever been (which is not long at all.) It was the first time that the bits of hair infront of my ears (normally just a short spike shape as part of my fade) was long enough to dangle on its own as opposed to being fully stuck to my head. Something about having dangling hair like that felt good. I knew why, I just ignored it. I wonder if that specific feeling had been a bit of an early kickstart into this realisation? Either way, I was told to get a haircut shortly after (theres a reason my hair never gets very long) so I didn't dwell on it.

The only other factor I can really think of that was different just before cracking was watching Gen V? In short, Gen V features a character who can switch between masc and fem in an instant. In my interpretation of the show, this doesn't inherently make them genderfluid, but the power serves as an exaggeration for presenting (so them being masc is comparable to boymoding.) When looked at from that perspective, their writing strongly reflects that of a trans character and it kinda hit a certain spot for me. But honestly, I really don't think that was the actual catalyst.

The only real conclusion I can draw from this is that there was no actual catalyst. For a fair few days before fully cracking, I felt something was off, and I knew exactly what it was and what was about to happen, even if I didn't admit it to myself. So I think my cracking must have been a very gradual thing with no real catalyst.

There was more I had to say here, but its a fairly different topic and got really long, Ill save it for its own post. This has perhaps been one of the wildest months of my life, and also one of the most normal. As much as I hate that nothing has really changed, the better understanding of myself Ive gotten has been massively benefical. Besides, knowing is half the battle and I'm pretty much there already.

#personal logs #196 #transgender #transfem

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momentsbeforemass · 1 year

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How you start

(a homily for New Year’s Day)

How you start determines how you finish.

I know that’s a bit of a cliché thing to say on New Year’s Day. And yet, it’s completely true. How you start determines how you finish.

It’s true for anything you and I want to do.

Pick any trade or profession you like. Whether you want to be an emergency medical technician or a nurse, a welder or an engineer. It’s just as true.

If you don’t start off with the right training, the right preparation, you probably won’t be able to do it all. If somehow you do, you certainly won’t be able to do it well.

How you start determines how you finish.

The thing is, it’s not just true for our careers. It’s true for every area of our lives.

From business transactions to relationships, how you start determines how you finish.

Okay, so that makes sense for something that has a clear, obvious beginning.

But what if it’s not all that clear? What if it’s something that has doesn’t have an obvious beginning? Something that you sort of find yourself in, maybe kind of drifted into?

For most of us, these are not hypothetical questions. The reason that you and I ask questions like these? It’s because something has gone wrong.

And you and I are trying to figure out how we could have seen it coming, what we could have done differently. Maybe we’re even trying to salvage it.

When things have gone wrong, it’s easy to go negative.

When we do, we can hear something bad in the words “How you start determines how you finish.” We can hear “since it’s going badly, I must have done something wrong.” We can hear blame.

Let’s be clear, there’s nothing wrong with an honest appraisal of what we’ve done. Indeed, finding our mistakes is the first step to remedying them.

But there’s a big difference between figuring out where things went south, so you and I can do something about it. And figuring out where things went south, so you and I can dwell on them. Maybe even assign blame.

The first is essential to a healthy life and to healthy relationships. Especially our relationship with God. The second is just toxic. It’s one of the Enemy’s favorite weapons.

There are two keys to this. Here’s the first. When you figure out where things went south, figure out what to do about it. Then do it. But don’t dwell on it.

As St. Francis de Sales puts it, “Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew.”

The other key is the simple truth behind what St. Francis is saying, that we can begin anew.

It’s true that how you start does determine how you finish. But starting is not a one-time thing. You and I are not stuck with yesterday’s start.

You can make a new start.

Sometimes that new start will be a lot more work than a good start would have been the first time. Sometimes that new start will involve cleaning up some messes from our last start.

But it sure beats the alternative. The downward spiral of blaming and dwelling on what went wrong.

This approach is great when things go wrong. But you don’t have to wait until things go wrong to do this.

Here’s what I mean – this process, of figuring out what’s going on and then responding intentionally by beginning anew, applies just as well to life when we’re not sure how things are going. And even when things are going well.

You don’t have to wait until things go wrong to respond intentionally.

What does that look like? It’s exactly what we see in today’s Gospel.

At the end of all of the amazing things surrounding the birth of Jesus. There’s this odd line, “and Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart.”

Mary has done everything right. There are no imperfections here that she needs to remedy. She doesn’t need to start things over to clean up a mess. So what’s she doing here?

Mary is stopping. Just for a moment. Instead of reacting to an avalanche of events that had to be both amazing and overwhelming, Mary is reflecting.

She’s taking a moment to figure out what’s going on. She’s taking a break from the busyness of the flow of events.

Instead of simply reacting, she’s taking a moment to just be with God. So that she can be in God’s will. Before responding intentionally.

Mary is giving us a lived example of what it means to start well. Not as a response to crisis or a mistake. But starting well as a normal part of daily life. Hour by hour. Moment by moment.

Mary is giving us a lived example, by interrupting the busyness of the flow of events. By quietly taking a moment to just be with God. Showing us how to be in God’s will. Before responding intentionally.

If you’ve ever wondered where her peace comes from, this is big part of it.

May God grant us the grace to be like Mary in this New Year. To take all the moments to be with God. Not just in times of crisis, but every day.

So that we can start anew in God’s will. Not just for today as we start the New Year. But every day. Hour by hour. Moment by moment.

Because how you start determines how you finish.

Sunday’s Readings

#New Year's #Start again #God #Jesus #Catholic #Christian #Church #How you start #Mary #God's Love #God's Will #Intentional #Moments Before Mass

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ask-healthy-light · 2 years

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Nox having years of experience of putting on a facade of being fine could sense Light was hiding his feelings as she did and still is.

She carefully got up as not to disturb her adoptive son's sleep and went to check on Light to hopefully comfort him.

After speaking with the Nurse, saying that she wished for Harvest to get some rest that she knew he seriously needed, Nox gently put Harvest's head on a pillow she grabbed, covered him with a blanket, and gave to the others a white lie, saying that she would see them in the café in a moment as well, for she felt the need arise to go to the loo, as Light did a moment ago.

As Luna, Starswirl and Meadowbrook, who all agreed to meet Nox in the café later, left the room, Nox turned the other way, leaving the sleeping Harvest in the room she just came from, under the care of the sweet Nurse she talked to, and walked towards the lavatory, all the while thinking about what she would say to Light, fearing she did not understand the magnitude of their pain.

In the bathroom, still staring into the mirror, as their eyes continuously welled up in tears, Light tried in vain to calm their breathing, whether by splashing some water onto their face, or trying to ground themselves by verbally noting their surroundings, but to no avail, and they felt themselves stuck in a downward spiral of negativity.

That is, they were unable to calm down until Nox entered, when they finally managed to hide their feelings behind an emotional mask once again, not wishing for anyone to know what they were fighting in their mind, nor see them as they were struggling to rationalise their thoughts, for they felt unworthy of the help of others, especially after causing so much harm.

When Nox entered, she calmly and quietly called out to Light, asking them how they were feeling, and said that, should they feel the need arise, they could talk to her, shortly after which, through the mirror, Nox saw Light wipe away their tears and turn towards her, as they put on a smile, and greeted her politely, saying they were nearly finished and would join the rest soon.

Able to see through the facade the Kirin had put up, seeing how grave their pain was and how much they struggled to hold back their emotions, as she did not want them to push her away, she humoured the Kirin, playing along with their pretence, though this act would not last long, as the Princess of Spirits managed to calm the Kirin with her presence alone, and their facade crumbled.

Light felt strange, as if the mere presence of Nox was enough to quell their fears and ease their pain, and as their knees gave away, causing them to sink to the floor, while their mask faltered and they could not stop themselves from crying, Nox swiftly ran over to the distraught Kirin, embracing them with a caring hug, and, to her relief, she felt their breathing slow down.

And so, for a while, the two beings, both of whom nigh unimaginably powerful, yet hurt and broken in many ways that very few would ever manage to understand, sat in silence together, not speaking a single word, but still allowing one to help the other, whether by showing solidarity with another being like themselves, or by helping one let out their feelings.

Eventually, Light spoke again, thanking Nox, in a teary voice, for all her help and support, and apologising to her, and everyone else, for hurting them so severely at the celebrations, fearing her response, as they believed they had failed to protect them, but instead, Nox embraced Light even more tightly than before, and said it was alright, and Light embraced her as well.

After a little while, Nox said to Light that the others, in the café were still waiting on them, and they should not keep them waiting too long, so they both released the other, stood up, wiped away their tears, cleaned their faces, and headed to the café, while on the way, Nox asked if Light would ever tell her what they had gone through, to which Light replied:

"I'll tell you in due time, as for now, I'd rather not think about any of it, but please remind me, as I want to get it off my chest very much."

(Thanks for reading! And if you enjoyed, please reblog! Thanks in advance!)

Send an ask or request! | Start at the beginning! | Next part!

Featuring: Harvest Duran from @duran301 Nox Lunarwing from @nox-lunarwing

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mc-tummy-blur · 2 years

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@ruestew here’s part two of the ask! Again I’ll try to be as concise with my reasoning as possible.

*Honestly I feel like I didn’t do enough justice in explaining how I feel about The Narrator. I probably need to dedicate a week of my time to create like, and essay about him because I feel like I got a lot more to say about him

My thoughts expanded under “read more”

“They are soooooo cool looking sounding”— Yeah he’s a disembodied voice and doesn't actually have a physical form, but Kevan does fantastic job in his voice work. He sells it so well in his deliveries, you can just feel when he’s having a good time, or when he’s distraught or scared, or furious at the situation. There’s so much range in his voice performance, and it does make The Narrator seem…real. And that alone, makes him cool looking sounding to me.

“They are deeper than they seem”— The game clearly shows us that The Narrator is extremely complex, both in the OG and UD (though it’s WAY more expanded upon in Ultra Deluxe). In the OG, he desperately wants the player to play the story in the way that HE wanted you to play it (Freedom Ending). But, he makes other options that lead to a variety of endings, yet still hopes that you choose “correctly”. Probably in order to give the illusion to the player that “Yes, your choices do matter and you do have free will.” (Which, while is probably not a new hot take, it is completely ironic to think about. As TSP literally consists of you trying to free yourself from The Narrators preferred path, but he wont allow it, even though his correct ending he made is about us trying to make our own choices for once and free ourselves from the machine). In the UD, he’s stuck in the past, thinking that his work IS perfect and loved by everybody (which to be fair, TSP pretty much is). But when he learns that there are people who don’t like it, it takes him on a downward spiral mentally, and arguably creatively. He thinks he has to cave into trying to create work for and audience that love the OG, and for an audience that wanted things such as gags or ways that make them feel comfortable about the games meta narrative. The result is that he made something that, in actuality, didn’t need to be made. But he felt like he needed too, in order to show others (and himself) that his work hasn’t dropped in quality and is on par, if not even better than the first. That his story means something and that by just adding the stuff that he thinks he needs to add, will make more people see what the meaning is.

“Wow! They are a horrible person”/“They’ve never done anything wrong in their life <33”/“Wow… They are literally me!— He is literally fine with killing off Stanley/The Player at any given point (and even mock them as they die). He will belittle Stanley/The Player when they don’t follow the story or break the game in some way. Yet also wants to try to make Stanley/The Player/Fans happy. He wants to give them some sort of control over the game. Specifically, in UD, even though he encountered a few negative feedbacks, he instantly wants to give those fans what they want. Also, him struggling with trying to make something perfect in his eyes while also trying to please the masses in some way, and him having the intense fear of being alone and that he needs his work to be heard is justtt,,,, man. It’s something that makes me feel bad, and it some areas, I do relate to it a whole lot (at least with wanting to be heard in some way).

“They work better as part of a dynamic”— Do I even need to explain why he should NOT be separated from Stanley/The Player at any point though seeing how he reacts to being alone definitely is an eye opener to his character that was only barely touched on in the OG, with that ending where you see Stanley not moving (dunno the ending name to that).

“They’re like a blorbo to me”/I’m mentally ill about them”— See points above

#the stanley parable ultra deluxe #the stanley parable #tsp the narrator #mcaskitn’answer #its actually sickening on how many thoughts I have about his character what he means his motives etc #like I still need to sit down and think about it more #cause I know I could say more about him i know I could but i just need more time #but I dont want this ask to go unanswered for long so here you get my current thoughts/opinions on him now

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punkranger · 2 years

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18, 24, 30, and 40 from the character development questions for Nicholas, pretty please?

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why? Best case: He realises Ortega and the Rangers aren’t the ones he should focus his revenge on and that they could in fact help him. And if he does that, hopefully he’ll accept other help as well, and realise that perhaps he can also live a life with other aspirations than focusing on past wrongs (though he’s unlikely to let go of things completely and that is fair I think). Worst: He ruins any chance of reconciliation between him and Ortega and either of them die in the process, and also fails to actually accomplish his goal to get revenge on the people who actually deserve it. Most likely: Nic is a person of extremes, so both the best and worst case scenarios are very likely, though I think the worst case scenario could go a little better where he actually gets his revenge but either dies or kills ortega in the process so… not much better.

Personally I’m interested in all possibilities and will definitely explore all possibilities. Also as to what could cause either of these scenarios; could be any little thing really, right/wrong thing said at the right/wrong time, a mistake leading to their plans going awry etc. We’ll see :)

24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their ��persona” from their “true self”, and what causes that difference? I think I tend to very much exaggerate how Nicholas acts, but to some extent that is also the way they feel they act - awkwardly and exaggeratedly. However, Nicholas is very careful in how they present themself around people they don’t know, although they do indulge in some more interesting fashion choices, but aside from that most people tend to learn very little about them or their personality - they’re polite but aloof, and never say more than they have to. Most of the Rangers hardly know them and they like to keep it that way - though I think this makes Chen even more suspicious.

Then there’s Julia, she very much upsets Nic’s balance, and I think it is noticeable - though less so than Nic thinks. With her he tends to let even smaller things upset him, but he also laughs more with her. Still, it is different from when he is alone, he doesn’t show her just how depressed and obsessed with revenge he has become - that only comes out when he is alone or partly with his villain-persona. He tries to keep it in check then but he does have to let it all out sometimes and that’s one of the few times he can, so monologue time!

30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much? Nic does need some level of activity, some task to focus on, preferably all their waking hours, because inactivity leads to them getting stuck in their own thoughts and that is always a downward spiral of negativity. He tends to be able to find plenty of things to do, but if there is a time he really can’t do any work and he can’t sleep he tends to resort to his puppet’s head, somehow Yasmin’s mind is safer and lets him focus on the present.

Too much stimulation is also a possibility, Nic finds crowds and just existing in public to be very difficult - while he’s usually fine with performing a persona for one or two people, being among many tends to make them insecure, always feeling out of place, and wears them down quickly. There’s also the fact that they can’t use their powers to help, but has to keep their shields tight to not get overwhelmed. Usually there’s not much more they can do to cope in such situations, except try to leave as quickly as possible - they may even come to the point where they no longer care about making a scene if it gets them away from the situation.

40. What do they wonder about? What sparks their curiosity and imagination, and why? How is this expressed, if it is? I think Nic is very fascinated with the Rat King, how they can be so intelligent - they are just rats - how they can have telepathy that works with his own, how they can be alive (though that comes with some unpleasant associations with himself so he’d rather not think too deeply about that). But yeah if he had time he’d try to figure out how the Rat King works, for now he’ll sometimes try to explore new ways of working with them and see how far they can go together.

Since his focus tends to be on his goal, he doesn’t usually have time to express his curiosity any capacity, though there has probably been a few sleepless nights where he’s spent his time researching telepathic rats until 5 AM instead of tossing around in bed.

#asks #fallen hero #sidestep #nicholas dale #thank you kaidan for asking about this disaster of a person

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