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absolutebl · 2 years

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10 Favorite Complex Characters in BL

This post sparked by @solitaryandwandering ‘s question here.

Essentially they wanted to know some of my favorite fully realized (deep) characters rather than one dimensional archetypes. This is a challenge in BL. Especially for fans like me who are often attracted to characters with the least screen time, because we can make them whatever we want with our imaginations.

But this is about portrayal of complex, thoughtful, well rounded characters. The least artificial, tropey, and archetypal. I started this blog to track the later, not the former. Because the former is all too often in the gritty, sad, dark, heavily queer narratives. But I will take up the challenge and confine myself to picking leads only.

1. Nosue

Actually the first character who came to mind when asked this question. I have talked about Old Fashion Cupcake at length and I ADORE Togawa, but Nosue is a much more complicated character. He is outgoing, popular, and a blatant flirt, but closed off and lonely. He knows he is in trouble, and he knows he did it to himself, but can’t figure out how to get out of his life state or malaise. He is profoundly self aware and instinctively empathic, while being entirely unable to understand how anyone actually feels about him. He can see his own flaws but not anyone else’s. He has capacity to love but doesn't trust himself to do so, and cannot recognize affection when it surrounds him. This character could only be at this point in his life journey, no younger character or actor could ever have carried off this role with all its contrasts and nuance. He is the opposite of one dimensional. He’s almost 4th dimensional, where he occupies time and space on this plane of existence is an integral part of his identity.

2. Ae

Crazy to put a Mame character on this list but I defy you to dislike Ae from Love By Chance. He was probubly my first great love in the arena of complex characters in BL. He comes off as deceptively simple at first, and then we keep learning things about him - his demi nature contrasted to his tough defensive personality. His instant and unprecedented affection and need to care for the lost hurt extremely shy rich gay boy is both very weird and totally understandable. We know his character: sarcastic, brash, grumpy, and street smart but also loyal and casually affectionate. Pete permits Ae to showcase his best and softest nature, without any risk of hurt or damage. (Although Ae can, of course, damage Pete with his ignorance.) Watching Ae figure out himself, and what his strange sudden need to look after Pete is all about (love rather than friendship) is such a joyful ride. For all his rough exterior we know Ae will make it through his own confusion into solid affection, there is no other way his character would allow them to be. Ae is very solid in himself as a person, even if he has some shock realizing that personhood is queer. The fact that Perth acted this complex of a part when his was 16 is mind boggling. What Mame did to Ae’s character in LBC2 is unforgivable.

3. JiWoo

To My Star 1 & 2. I didn’t like the 2nd installment, but that doesn’t mean I didn't understand it or his character’s behavior, because it was set up so well in the first. (I just didn’t enjoy the pacing or structure of season 2.)

Korea doesn’t normally specialize in complex characters for their BL. In fact, they tend to go for the most archetypal, which is fine with me. I mean Semantic Error is top of my list and those 2 couldn’t be more basic archetypes. Okay, so why does Korea do this? Well partly because Korea doesn't have enough screen time to build backstory, and also because of their “queer bubble” perspective we never get depth of character from home life, parents, or coming out sequences.

JiWoo is the opposite. We learn (eventually) all about him but that isn’t even particularly necessary. JiWoo has walls, tall thick well-established walls, but it is very clear those walls are from being hurt by the world. Slowly we learn bits of why, but what makes JiWoo deep and complicated, is that despite his walls we can still see him falling in love. And who does he pick? The most inappropriate person for someone scared of being hurt: a capricious, outgoing, sunshine, famous actor. And a man. It’s like JiWoo’s own heart wants to give hem more reasons to build more walls. Every time JiWoo allows himself the luxury of that despite-himself-charmed sudden bright smile, our hearts break for him. Because it cost him, and will cost him, so much to be happy. Because of what he has allowed the world to do to him, and his own natural reactions to it. JiWoo doesn’t want to be loved because he is terrified of loving someone back, because he knows how much of himself he is willing to give up when he does that. And who, in all honestly, hasn’t been there?

4. Yuzuru

Seven Days. I know, I KNOW. Look, I realize his is a character type that Japan explores often. But that doesn’t make him any less interesting or complex. Yuzuru is beautiful but also very bold, brash, blunt, uncompromising, and stubborn, and he won’t change himself for any reason. This blatant mercurial individualism in a culture that finds such behavior confusing at best and worth crushing at worst, enables Yuzuru’s classic tsundere behavior beautifully. Yuzuru shows us how deep characterization can be activated to bolster one of the genre’s most enduring archetypes, and that’s really fun to watch. Yuzuru is not just “tsundere with good reason,” (which is all we can usually hope for) he’s tsundere with INTENT. His love for Sereyo springs from his conflict with society, because for the first time someone likes him not despite his uncompromising personality, but because of it.

5. Amber

DNA Says Love You. The ultimate complicated character who could have been profoundly miss-handled with one tiny misstep. But this performance got handed off to an actor who made the character incandescent instead. Amber is extremely scared and keeps his identity and past intentionally hidden from us and the other characters, which easily could have felt manipulative or frustrating for audiences. Instead, we feel that this is for very good reason, so much so that the twist isn’t a twist anymore. Instead of hiding and lying without fault, instead of being a wet blanket without reason, Amber hurts to lie but does it because he wants one taste of what could have been. He doesn't expect anything more. He expects to be shunned. And he is gentle and kind and sweet about it, because that is who he is as a person, even as he struggles to protect himself and his new friends from the truth. It was deft handling of questionable content, and we don’t get adroitness from Taiwan often. Because of the way Amber is portrayed the character seems more deep and complex. This is one of those where the actor brought much more to the role than the role provided, and it’s rather remarkable to watch.

6. Thun

He’s Coming to Me. Imagine growing up as a kid who can see ghosts, but being mature enough from the start not to tell anyone about it. Then imagine falling in love with the ghost of your mother’s ex-boyfriend. Oh the drama of it all! Ohm is in peak form for this role, and his performance is outstanding. Thun is a very lovable character, brash and open, but treasuring this intense secret, while being devoted to uncovering other people’s truths. Thun is able to stand up to authority in a way that is beaten out of most men of his age and social status. His relationship to his mother, to his friends, and to his lover is varied and nuanced, and that gives him, the cheerful himbo character, so much more nuance too, because he is so clearly defined by all the tendrils and threads that anchor him to reality, vital when one lives partly stuck in the afterlife.

7. Shun

His the movie. Another character type that Japan loves, the introvert, and another execution where it is given reason and intent. Shun always had it in him to withdraw in order to protect himself from the world, but after Nagisa left him, he withdrew from the world entirely. His is about the world trying to reclaim him. The tiny country retirement village who adopted him while he wasn’t looking. Add to that Nagisa, and his daughter, coming back. What we watch is Shun’s quiet struggle to accept all three, despite the hurt that opening himself back up to relationships (family, fatherhood, lover) carries with it. He is a wonderfully complex character.

8. Pete

The Kiss series and Dark Blue Kiss. Tay’s portrayal of Pete is consistent even across a conflicted timeline and some weird narrative choices. By the time DBK rolls around we know exactly who Pete is. In any other hands this kind of drawn-out tsundere seme would have been very one dimensional. But Pete is complicated for your standard himbo bisexual character. He’s conflicted about his responsibilities as a son but proud to have the support of such a kind father, frustrated about not being open but not intersted in being famous. His love is devoted, but he is a capricious person. He isn’t very academically smart but he has a high emotional IQ, he reads people well. He is quick to anger but also quick to forgive. He is fiercely loyal even to his ex-boyfriend, but also willfully obtuse. For a character who, in Thailand’s hands, should have been one note, Pete is as consuming and as sweeping as the intro music to DBK, and just like that music a bit overdramatic. But I love this drama queen clown.

9. Mork

My Ride’s Mork is kinda like the Ae of the next generation. He’s more lively and cheerful, less of a grump, but he does represent for the lower class. Struggling with money, work, family, and romance, he falls deeply in love with a doctor even though he thinks he hasn’t anything to offer. Mork’s struggles around bisexual identity play second fiddle to the fact that Tawan is already in love with someone else and socially so far above him that Mork consigns himself to friendship. He knows how to love though, and he does it deeply and from the sidelines, as a support network and as a friend to Tawan. And he would have willingly stayed there, had Tawan had a happy relationship. It’s really great to see pining executed from start to finish, as in: Mork isn’t a “pining since childhood” trope. We see him meet and like Tawan as a friend, fall in love with him, and then have to take a back seat and wait for his love to be returned. Mork has a developed depth of character because of this, and we are never angry with him for this behavior. We know exactly why he does it, and we too are willing to wait. A Thai pulp that not only requires patience (they all do) but teaches it? That’s some great characterization.

Also, SINGLE DIMPLE. (Look, these characters may be deep, but I’m not.)

10. Noh

Love Sick. Another very young actor handed an extremely complicated role and pulling it off with aplomb. Noh is awkward and popular, sweet and tough, kind and loving, and really profoundly unwilling to hurt. Watching him slowly fall in love with Phun, and Phun’s casual rich-kid entitled hot/cold affection, is heart wrenching. Watching Noh tackle Yuri’s demanding attentions while not wanting to cause her pain, even though he is deeply in love with someone else, hurts us, and both of them. Love Sick is a great coming of age narrative. It handles all the ramifications of queerness that a kid of that age might deal with but with in a dexterous and deeply private way. Plus Noh’s LINES. The words Captain gets to say are some of the greatest ever scripted in BL.

“It is a terrible thing not knowing where the line is between us.”

Could there be any better way of putting the conflict over moving from friends to lovers? From heterosexual to something more? The fear of not knowing if you should move towards romance when friendship is put at risk. COME ON. Noh is a remarkable character.

Honorable mention:

Hasimoto

My Love Mix Up. Trust Japan to take the character that any other country would have turned into evil femme fetale and make her the heroine of this narrative. She’s a spectacular character, she handles her own crush and other people’s with humor and aplomb. She is fiercely defensive of her friends, tiny but mighty. One she decides to love someone, she does it with every fiber of her being, even though she can get very shy. We don’t know a ton about her, because she is a support role, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying all the layers that are revealed about her during the course of this narrative. One of my favorite things about this show was watching her and Aoki’s friendship grow and evolve, more so even than Aoki and Ida’s romance.

White & Black

Gun’s execution of the twins in Not Me. I doubted he could do it. He did it. Each one was complicated and different and so was their relationship. All the cheering, it was IMPRESSIVE.

Some others I considered but did not make the list for various reasons:

Tutor in Why R U?

Dean in Until We Meet Again

Pick in Puppy Honey

Vald in Like in the Movies

SiWon in Blueming

(source)

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biboyhalo · 1 year

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But genuinely do you think he did fuck one of them or not?

99 people could say he fucked kate, 1 person could say he didn't, and it turns out he fucked someone who's never even been brought up as a topic of discussion. or 95 people could say he didn't fuck mina, 5 people could say he did, and it turns out he isn't fucking anybody and will resume fucking his hand as soon as his plane lands in florida.

this is almost certainly why he hasn't expressed comfort with publicly or openly identifying with any label, by the way. if he sleeps with a woman or wants to pursue a relationship with one, he's not queer enough for the biphobes. if he sleeps with a man or wants to pursue a relationship with one, can you imagine the shitshow that'd be if it wasn't george, but also people would just assume he's only attracted to men. and no one here really knows what sort of personal journey he's been on over the past year, anyway - for all i or anyone else knows, maybe he is only attracted to men! or maybe he'll have done some soul searching and decide in a few years that he truly just doesn't identify with any particular label! maybe he'll ping pong between a bunch of different labels!

it's so frustrating and saddening to me that he's spoken about having an identity label in mind but not feeling like he's allowed to use it in case it changes in the future, as if that isn't an integral part of the queer experience, or to a certain extent the human experience. but, as with literally anything else, if it's dream then it's not okay, apparently. i lowkey feel like this is why he's been obliquely referring to himself as gay lately but won't outright say it.

and even if you hate dream or think he isn't a real queer or whatever, can you at least not be egregiously sexist when he's within fifty feet of a woman who you personally haven't approved of as "safe" because you can reasonably assume he's not fucking her or dating her...

🗣🗣🗣🗣👏👏👏👏👏

#anon #asks #apr 23

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demonicintegrity · 10 months

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Okay I’m going to see Barbie today so I should probably have my misc thoughts on Across the Spiderverse down. (Spoilers incoming) Speaking of:

#1) tiktok spoilers my beloathed. They also don’t do the movie justice (I’ll get back to that)

#2) artistic styles my beloved.

The love and care to the craft of the story is so evident from the start. Gwen’s retelling of Mike’s story is in her universe’s watercolor style. And oh my god it’s so beautiful. I’m such a sucker for pretty watercolors and Gwen’s universe SPEAKS to my soul. Beautiful. Mwuah.

Speaking of Gwen, the analogy of her being trans and coming out is definitely there. While her being trans may not be a problem for her father, her struggle with a secret superhero identity absolutely is a parallel to being a trans kid. Her best friend knowing included. Her running away from home especially.

And it’s beautifully portrayed. And her father’s arc developing at the end, where he says he’s no longer a policeman if it’s gonna be that at odd with her being a hero because he loves her more than that, is the kinda sentiment I and every other trans kid with unsupportive parents wish they had. It’s about growth, it’s about the person being the priority not a stubborn hold to flawed ideology.

#3 Miles my boy, his story is definitely that of loneliness. Which arguably is queer-coded in of itself. He finally finds his people and now they’re separated and he misses that. Especially since the separation is inherently tied to the safety of everyone, sometimes it’s really hard to connect with other queer folk because of that. But i don’t think that’s the intended focus, it’s more of a coming of age thing.

Also holy shit he is YOUNG. He is fifteen!! I was a freshman in highschool when I turned fifteen! No wonder he’s so pissed when everyone is telling him what to do and how to do, that is like the quintessential age of being treated like both an adult and child and it’s infuriating. But it’s the perfect age for this kinda story. Because the very valid attempts of trying to find a happy middle are there, two cakes and all. But it also means it’s still the first few attempts, hence the fate of the two cakes. The technique is still being refined and he’s still figuring out his priorities.

Do what he’s good at (science) and push for something he really wants (his friends back) or something else entirely?

People have pointed out he’s incredibly artistic. And it’s good! Now that doesn’t always means it translates into a career well. From firsthand experience I can tell you art as an outlet isn’t the same as art as a career. It’s kinda kicking my butt with the difference. But that doesn’t mean it’s a very real option! And something he can pursue with science as well.

Adjacent to three: the age discourse. Now I heard plenty on it but I was withholding my judgement until I saw the movie itself. That being said, when I first saw spoilers Hobie read like an adult and after watching the movie he is definitely is in my mind.

The three other spiders (Gwen, Miles, Pravitar) all have a focus of actively being in school in their intros. A highlight that they are still teens dealing with teen issues and mentalities. Hobie doesn’t. Hobie’s intro doesn’t mention school. Hobie’s intro talks a lot about politics and ideologies and he carries himself like an experienced adult. (Obvs teens are into politics and all that, i did that as a teen too, but school often comes before that, just as their own intros mentioned.) He speaks with wisdom and experience and takes the others under his wing. He’s also not deferring to Miguel. And he pushes back in a much different way then Gwen and Miles do. For them, even if they don’t agree Miguel is still an adult and that age authority needs to be respected. For Hobie, it doesn’t seem to be a concern. (Yes yes he’s a punk, but respecting your elders is still prevalent in punk and queer cultures as well.)

“But Integrity the love triangle!” There is no love triangle. Gwen is not interested in Hobie, she’s expressly interested in Miles. Looks up to Hobie sure, but she’s clearly more attached to Miles. Hobie also explicitly states he just wants to look out for her. (Re: queer adults taking in queer runaways)

“But Integrity the toothbrush and jumper! And Pravitar going oooohh!!” First of all, Gwen is functionally homeless. She ran away and has been a runaway for literal months. Her stuff is obviously gonna be a mismanaged. And again, going with the fact that her story is a trans allegory, she’s going to stay with adults that take her in. First Miguel and Jessica, and then Hobie. Reading Hobie as a queer adult taking in a queer runaway child and looking after her makes the most sense to me. She also had an expressed interest in Miles that is very long running.

As for Pravitar? I think he’s just pot stirring. He’s (I think) the youngest and definitely acts like it. He’s openly treating them as a soap opera, not with an malicious intent of course, but it’s entertaining gossip for him. A fun tense twist is the fact that Miles doesn’t know. (Probably because he didn’t recognize miles as the anomaly. Genuinely was introduced that Miles is Gwen’s friend and so it’s wild he doesn’t know her closest friends.)

Also: there’s a chance this is suppose to parallel Gwen meeting Mile’s parents.

Your crush should know about and have met your family. For Mile’s that means meeting his parents. For Gwen that means her family of spiders. (She’s trans, found family is a huge priority here esp since her father is not currently in the picture.)

Anyways: Hobie reads as an adult. Gwen is not in a love triangle. I’m scared of touching ao3 for this fandom, even with filters it’s Bad.

#4 with circling back to how the tiktok spoilers/general fanon don’t do this justice, Miguel. He’s is not that fucking mean to Miles. He is genuinely sympathetic and does try to explain to Miles multiple times what “needs” to be done. His fatal flaw is that he carries so much guilt for what happened in the universe he infiltrated that he now feels the need to carry the weight of everything to make up for it. He says as much! If he could see it possible to have a good story, he’d love that but its just not possible for him.

Now granted, holy shit he does go fucking bonkers on Miles. We see the shock in Peter B’s expression. I do not think that is the norm for Miguel’s behavior. At least, not witnessed behavior and thus not behavior he wants to be seen/is proud of. Dude seems like he’s holding on by a thread and it was snapping a little bit there. And like, idek if I can fault that entirely cuz a literal child just sent him on the chase of a the century. Dude’s stressed and not coping well. Amazingly sympathetic antagonist for this reason. It’s an idealogical divide, a quite radical one at that.

#5) the music is sooooo fucking good. Again, the love put into this movie is so palpable.

#6) The Spot. I adore his character!!! I adore this arc and his art direction and his everything!! And I don’t currently have the words for it but I do feel his story is a good analogy for how society picks and chooses it’s outliers. Spider-Man is a hero and loved for his mutations provided he’s a hero and even then it’s very conditional and on a whim. The Spot isn’t. He can’t get a job looking like that, and super heroism is filled in New York by Spider-Man and it’s hard to exist let alone move around looking like that.

There is no support for him. And that speaks for any outlier of society. Queer, race, neurodivergent, “ugly”, and what have you. It’s only natural he gets upset. He lashes out at the easiest person to blame, the present Spider-Man. Even though it is not Mile’s fault he was in that room or employed there, or any of that. But he was a catalyst, and it’s easier to have the blame one person than a web of circumstances.

And there’s a kinship in a way. He brought the 42 spider here. He was bitten by it. Whether they like or hate each other that’s a helluva link. Call it dominos or butterfly effect or fate or what have you, there’s a link to both of their circumstances.

Speaking of, #6) 42 Miles!!!! I adore him. It seems in this universe the lack of a Spider-Man has caused crime cartels to run more rampant. Possibly supervillain run, but I can see overtime the general crime running rampant under them.

I wanna know this timeline, how this has happened. What was this descent? I’m so excited for Beyond. And obvs 42 Miles is gonna play a huge part. I think he will aid our Miles, even if at first begrudgingly. He’s a scared kid and he and Aaron see that. I hope and think they will take pity on him.

I’m wondering if 42’s arc will parallel our Mile’s. Trying to sort priorities and manage grief and loneliness while writing your own path. I bet it will.

Speaking of Beyond: I hope it takes years to make. Give those artists a break and pay them and give them a reasonably timetable damn it. I also hope for more Hobie he’s a catalyst here and I want to see lots of him and he needs dedicated time to animate to achieve that.

Okay misc thoughts done I gotta get ready fkdndkdndn

#spiderverse spoilers #across the spiderverse #long post

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likealittleheartbeat · 2 years

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okay, and related to the post about gender and sexuality being historically much less distinct than contemporary rhetoric allows for: my friend sent me a insta album about h*rry styles sexuality and gender discourse (because she knows me better than anyone else in the world lol). i was finally able to articulate what what stands out to me around his public persona. despite frequent cross-dressing and heavy implications of bisexuality, there is a strong contingent that denounce him (and, less knowingly, his publicity team) for ‘queer-baiting.’

compare that to sh*wn mendes who is adamant in his heterosexuality and who’s publicity campaigns are emphatically invested in very classic performances of american masculinity, and yet, his sexuality is rampantly speculated upon.

it seems the public is not assessing these two based on their chosen performances of gender and their public self-labeling. we are not reading the pronouns and list of identities in their twitter bios and looking through their choice of outfits in their instagram pics to open up the discourse. instead, we are engaged with things between the lines they have less control over.

sh*wn mendes becomes an object of speculation because of the pitched-up tone of his voice and a slight lisp, a wrist flip, his cultural references to cher or ‘fabulous’ Beyoncé which were recorded in passing conversation rather than larger publicity stunts. these are, yes, stereotypes of american gay-ness that the 2010s saw a large cultural shift to disrupt. the argument followed that men can be attracted to men without demonstrating any of these tells or interests, and the flip side of the argument went that a man can have sibilant S’s in their speech or flick their wrists for any number of reasons without being attracted to men. all of this is reasonable enough.

What’s lost in those arguments is that embodying those traits, no matter one’s sexuality, still remains inherently transgressive in western culture because of their association with effeminacy (and the same can be said for traits associated with ‘butch’-ness ~i really think ‘butchery’ is an underutilized term~). it’s not actually sexuality, strictly speaking, or cross-dressing that source our associations with narratives of bullying or parental disappointment. it’s these bodies and gestures and voices and personal interests that are at the root of our perception and that we associate with otherness and societal vulnerability. if we look more deeply at this, we can see how cultural markers get tangled up in this. Many Japanese men (and East Asian men more generally), for example, while embodying cultural ideals of masculinity in Japanese culture that American men would be challenged to meet (including even physique), are perceived as failing masculinity when put in an American context, and therefore, have been historically more likely to be targets for harassment (and similar issues make them targets for global K-pop and J-pop fans speculations of sexuality and in-group relationships). African-American women, as another example, whose bodies and self-advocacy and expectations of employment outside the house are all well within the norm of femininity within African-American cultures, are seen as more masculine for all those reasons within the broader context of a white-dominant culture where femininity means something more subservient in the nuclear family unit. these bodies we inhabit and these behaviors we learn and integrate without thinking have a much stronger impact on how we are perceived than any label we can write out or costume we can wear.

so, rather than discussing the accuracy of his sexual attraction or his clothing choices, the sense that h*rry styles persona fails to represent queerness derives from the fact that nothing about his physicality or speech--those subtle qualities in his body--seems especially transgressive towards gender. we have a sense that even as he puts on a dress or considers sleeping with a guy, he’s somehow still safe from the vulnerabilities that endanger effeminate men.

#queer history #disc horse #just thinking about aang and zuko and katara and toph and how they all fail to live up to gendered ideals in their world #the world is wide

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junkratsadstuck · 1 year

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I posted 8,890 times in 2022

That's 5,220 more posts than 2021!

146 posts created (2%)

8,744 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

merryvrismas

cfo-of-antifa

dingdongyouarewrong

leelubell

griffithsucks

I tagged 4,365 of my posts in 2022

#video - 814 posts

#ofmd - 513 posts

#animals - 494 posts

#wwdits - 425 posts

#gif - 411 posts

#cat - 249 posts

#succession - 188 posts

#wwdits s4 - 168 posts

#jerma - 147 posts

#homestuck - 141 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#this is exactly what i want. corporations cannot force me to look at their ads but i would love to look at ads from a fellow tumblr user

My Top Posts in 2022:

today’s the day! jerma’s going to shove an entire baseball up his ass, on stream!

536 notes - Posted August 19, 2022

the process of watching our flag means death for me was like: oh okay, there's a woman pirate who disguises herself as a man, i can project a trans identity onto that. and oh, here’s a character who’s gay but he’s just there to be laughed at, at least it’s some representation in a side character. and oh, the two main male characters are growing very close, maybe i can find other people on the internet who interpret that as romantic.

and then Jim is actually revealed to be canonically nonbinary and played by a nonbinary actor? and Lucius is shown to be incredibly emotionally intelligent and one of the most valuable members of the team? and the two main characters actually DO have romantic feelings towards one another?

the queerness of this show is an integral part of it that cannot be divorced from its plot, and it’s not played for a cheap laugh. it’s depicted in such a genuine and kindhearted way. i feel like i’ve been living off of scraps of representation for so long, and i’ve been presented with a full banquet and i can hardly figure out what to do with myself.

863 notes - Posted March 27, 2022

minecraft keeps adding new stuff and i keep ignoring all of it. i don't want to check out new creatures i don't want to fight the nether dragon i don't want to go to the nether i don't want to collect fancy blocks i want to dig a GIANT!!! FUCKING!!! HOLE!!!

955 notes - Posted March 2, 2022

thinking about guillermo wearing a white turtleneck to nandor’s wedding… and how brides wear white veils that get lifted for a kiss to mark the beginning of a lifelong partnership… and how we know guillermo dreams of pulling aside his collar so nandor can press his mouth to guillermo’s neck and turn him into a vampire…

1,123 notes - Posted August 10, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

edward teach is so funny he ends episode 5 realizing he's attracted to stede, so then at the start of episode 6 he makes stede stab him with a sword. he really said ohhhhh i like this guy i am going to get him inside me by whatever means necessary. gay people please learn how to deal with your feelings

2,387 notes - Posted April 23, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #gif

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billiewena · 2 years

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If you’re for feeling tempted to watch the Supernatural prequel because of the new diverse character announcements, I’m here to remind you that there are other fantasy/sci-fi/horror TV shows that not only have diversity (but are even led with it!)

“I want to watch a monster-hunting show led by a powerful woman!”

Wynonna Earp (SyFy): two sisters, one a wise-cracking but badass hunter of the undead and the other a more serious but sweeter girl with mysterious monster origins, are reunited after years apart. Basically, it’s Supernatural but funnier (and gayer!)

Van Helsing (SyFy): a re-imagining of the vampire hunting icon that follows his descendant Vanessa Helsing,

Warrior Nun (Netflix): A girl comes back from the dead and learns she’s part of a secret order of demon-hunting nuns.

Lost Girl (SyFy): Bisexual succubus Bo and her human best friend Kenzi become private investigators of the world of the “fae”, supernatural beings that range from fairies to wolves to sirens and succubi like Bo.

“I want to watch a show about Asian characters in the world of fantasy and monsters!”

Okay well, first off, I also cannot begin to tell you about how many amazing non-American supernatural shows are out there if you’re willing to read subtitles. A couple of my personal favorites are Black (a Korean horror/fantasy/mystery show about reapers and a woman who can see when people will die, Netflix) and All of Us Are Dead (a new action-fantasy drama about high schoolers battling a zombie invasion, Netflix) and I would love to hear people rec their faves, too! A few that don’t need subtitles though…

Shadow & Bone (Netflix): A well-received adaptation of the high fantasy book series, with a diverse writing staff and cast including half-Chinese Jessie Mei Lei as the lead. Fan-favorite characters from the sequels such as Inej and Jesper (a South Asian woman and a mixed-race bisexual man respectively) also got integrated into the series early and become prevalent characters in the books’ spinoffs.

Marvel’s Runaways (Hulu): a darker, teen superhero show with the found family themes you always wanted from their movies. Its highlight is easily Nico Minoru, a Japanese-American and queer sorceress who learns her and her friends' parents are part of a super-villain organization

Wu Assassins (Netflix): a Chinese-Indonesian man in San Francisco discovers he has magical origins and has to fight to keep his family’s power out of the wrong hands

Teen Wolf (MTV/Amazon Prime): While only part of the cast for Season 3-5, the show’s introduction of Japanese-Korean Kitsune Kira Yukimara and her mysterious family led to the shows’ most well-received storyline and arc. She teams up with troubled teen werewolf Scott McCall and his pack to fight an evil creature tormenting the town.

And of course Avatar: The Last Airbender and its sequel Legend of Korra (Nickelodeon/Amazin Prime): AMAZING animated shows with all-Asian characters and original fantasy world inspired by multiple East Asian and South Asian countries. They may be kids’ shows but they deal with a lot of heavy and mature themes that make it enjoyable for any age.

“I want to watch a genre show with a Latino lead (bonus points if queer!)”

What We Do in the Shadows (FX/Hulu): a horror-comedy TV spinoff of Taika Waiti’s iconic and hilarious vampire mockumentary film, with racially diverse writers and cast and basically all LGBT lead characters. The true heart of the show is the queer, Mesztizo and Mexican human character Guillermo (whose identity isn’t hypersexualized like some of the vampires characters’ more fluid bisexuality/pansexuality are)

The Owl House (Disney): yes, another animated kids’ show, but I cannot recommend this fantasy series enough especially to any former "Harry Potter" fans. It’s led by a teenage, Latina human who discovers witches and a secret world of magic and is eager to learn so she can be a part of it. Luz is also bisexual, and her relationship with another young witch has been one of the most talked about storylines of the show.

Penny Dreadful: City of Angels (Showtime): a horror-drama spinoff of Penny Dreadful set in Los Angeles in the 1930s that tackles both Mexican-American tensions and folklore with characters connected in a conflict between the angel Santa Muerte and demoness Magda.

Roswell, New Mexico (The CW/Netflix): While I’m hesitant to recommend any CW show, this remake of the 90’s sci-fi drama/romance (which infamously whitewashed characters from the books) ingrains diversity into the cast and plot, with the Mexican-American lead’s immigrant family dealing with real-life racial tension in New Mexico in addition to the show’s original storyline of immigrant aliens adjusting from life on a whole other planet.

p.s. adding to this list is not only okay but highly encouraged!

#just a note I have not watched every show here yet but have a few on my to watch list that I'm excited about #also not every show here is free from problematic representation #like despite its cuteness wynonna earp's main wlw romance involves a cop y'know #but I think they're all steps in the right direction and that's what matters #long post #spn prequel #supernatural prequel #supernatural spinoff #ntjdmakesthings

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pens-swords-stuff · 2 years

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hi! first of all, thank you for answering all these questions! it's been really lovely reading all your thoughts and experiences. i was wondering if you could expand more on the "coming-out" imperative being overly white-centric

In response to this post.

So the "coming out imperative" is the expectation and the pressure for queer individuals to publicly come out. In white American LGBTQIA culture, coming out is usually a pretty good thing! It has a ton of positive effects on that individual and also in their communities as well.

One of the famous gay identity development models also has it as a crucial part of integrating an individual's gay identity with the rest of their life. According to this model, if you don't publicly declare that you are LGBTQIA you will never fully achieve your gay identity with the rest of your life.

But all of this is based off white American LGBTQIA experiences and individuals.

In many Asian cultures including Japan though, coming out can be really detrimental. Of course like anything else, everything varies from person to person, family to family, community to community. Some people will want to come out, and it'll go well for them. Some families are more understanding and accepting than others, just like America. But there are also a lot of people who can't come out to their families and communities due to a lot of cultural reasons.

So this idea that you have to come out and the amount of pressure that people experience to come out can be really harmful for some people. So I'm a huge believer and an advocate for: you don't have to come out. Whether it's because you think it might be dangerous for you, or maybe it's just because you don't want to, not coming out is something that I think should be a more accepted option.

I've made my decision to not come out to my family, and I'm happy with it. I know that my family will be supportive, but I don't think that I need to or want to. And this doesn't mean that I'm ashamed of my queer identity or anything because I'm not — this is just the choice that I've made for myself and it's okay.

This is actually the topic of my undergraduate thesis, which I've made available to read here if you'd like. Keep in mind that this is a literature review that I wrote like four years ago. I don't know what the updated literature is. Not everyone's experiences will align with my thesis, but this is all based off the research I've done back in college.

AAPI AMA 2022: Ask me anything about being Japanese!

Remember that these are just my personal experiences and opinions! My thoughts and experiences are not necessarily representative of every Japanese person, and should not be taken as such.

#undine answers stuff #aapi ama

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tuiyla · 2 years

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What do you think of people headcanoning Santana as bisexual? I’ve seen so much of it recently, even with Blaine too.

Oh. Oh no.

Okay so... how do I approach this delicately. Maybe delicately isn't the best word. Ah well no point in overthinking.

I think everyone can headcanon whatever they want but specifically in the case of Santana, I think that particular headcanon would not only go against explicit canon but also erase an important aspect of her narrative. Before anyone thinks this is some biphobic bs like they did on reddit let me make it very clear that it is not. I'm all for bi characters and I think there should have been a lot more on Glee. But Santana? Santana's a lesbian and that's an integral part of her character.

Santana's story is that of a lesbian who struggled with comphet for years and even when she realized her Sapphic leanings, she couldn't bear the thought of being othered because of it. So she doubles down on said comphet and fights so hard with herself to not be a lesbian. Being with boys was never about any sort of real connection to her and it made her miserable. Here's where it'd be great if I had written that comphet two-parter already and could refer to that lol. Now, do I think her being bi would take away from that? You know, I do. Because that'd be a different story. Not any lesser, to be 100% clear, but a different one.

I might also just be scarred by that one person who insisted Santana was bi and the lesbian agenda or whatever forced her to identify as gay. As if she wasn't a fictional character written to be a lesbian. Anyway that was wild and imo completely ignored her canon relationships with men and how awful all of them were. Like if there wasn't such a well layered and built story around her identity I'd be more inclined to go, sure view her as bi, but as is I think that'd be just as much of a 'going against canon' case as saying Brittany was actually a lesbian.

As for Blaine, I think I see more of a case to be made there but to be clear, I'm not nearly as invested in analyzing Blaine's story so I don't feel qualified enough to say how much of his core character that'd change. Again I'm all for bi rep and I think it was interesting in Blame It On The Alcohol that Blaine was open to exploring his sexuality. I don't know what the general fandom stance is on this. I think it'd still be changing what is explicitly canon, since in that episode Blaine does conclude that he really is gay. And idk, when it comes to canon queer characters it kind of becomes uncomfy to change that, you know? I cannot stress this enough but it isn't because being bi is any less queer, it's just changing their identity.

I'd be curious to hear more perspectives though and to hear what people say about Blaine because I hadn't seen that at all.

#anon #ask #anonymous #glee asks #my thoughts #glee #santana lopez #blaine anderson #and don't get me started on people who think headcanoning chs as queer #chs who were never confirmed to be straight anyway y'all just assume #and saying it's the same as headcanoning canonically queer characters as straight #no it's not and it's ignorant to say it is #santana asks

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compo67 · 2 years

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Are you still working on the time travel AU?

Hi, anon!

Oh my goodness, thank you for asking. The short answer is yes. The long answer is below the cut.

Letter to Follow is a J2 AU fic I've posted on Patreon as part of bonus content. It will be housed on Patreon until completed in full, where it will then transition to AO3, just like any other bonus Patreon fic in the past. It's at about 30,000 words and 50% finished, so it's a long fic, slow burn.

LTF takes place in Naples, Italy, 1985, where Dr. Jensen Ross, Distinguished Professor of Physics, works at the prestigious University of Naples. Jensen is a respected faculty member and expert in his field, and he specializes in particle physics. He often works with his colleage, Dr. Haji Siqqidui. She keeps Jensen balanced and integrates him into her family. One day, Dr. Jared Padalecki, of New York City, shows up, ready to start his sabbatical and write a book about the history of physics and engineering in Naples. Jared holds two PhDs--engineering and history--and teaches at NYU. At first, Jensen dislikes Jared's outgoing, "American" personality. But the more time they spend together, the more they explore Naples, the closer their bond. This fic takes into account everything going on in/around 1985, including the HIV/AIDS epidemic, the stigma of gay/queer identities/culture, and pop culture. The fic also incorporates pictures and media throughout, sort of like a photo journal. Jensen's working on something new, on the verge of a groundbreaking discovery--but is it really in the name of physics? Or is he working on something more personal?

I love this fic. I love it because it taught me so many new things. I discovered a love of physics. In high school, I was so good at chemistry and math, but only if I had the extra help/guidance. Since I was better at English and the arts--read: it was easier to do--I put all my focus on that. Then I think of the plot to Letter to Follow and wow! All my love for science came rushing back. Let me tell you, dear, that I put so much time and effort into learning and understanding the concepts that Professor Jensen is (madly) in love with--I spent so many hours writing on white boards, watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, reading textbooks, and taking notes. I can tell you how a particle collider works. I can map out the Standard Model of Physics.

But.

I can't tell you how time travel works.

And *that* is what I ran into--head first. Ouch.

I thought I could write it away. Every time I worked on LTF, I thought about that Simpsons quote, where Homer wants to make a movie: "It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. His best friend is a talking pie."

D'oh! How the fuck can it happen? I wanted to go with neutrinos, but then ran into problems there. I thought, okay, let's switch to dark matter. Nope. God particle? Fine. Particle accelerator. Right, but exactly what particles? And how would Jensen access a particle accelerator on par with CERN? Then I read the news about muons and thought--AHA! I gotchu now, physics!

And then my personal life crashed and burned. This is back in September, when I stopped working, went into IOP, and struggled to function. I was also taking a class for grad school and that needed/used up all my attention. From October to November to December, it was hit after hit after hit. I'm only now just standing up, shaky, but there. I thought losing my beta would result in not being able to write anything. But it turns out, wow, I /can/ write on my own. I wrote on my own for years before getting any betas (okay, some of that shows, yikes). Am I always perfect with grammar? Fuck no. Do I always get continuity right? Nope. But do I approach these verses and characters with enthusiasm and love? Hell yes, I do.

For a while, I thought LTF wasn't worth finishing because... it's different than any other fic I've written. There's no a/b/o or mpreg. Not a lot of smut and it's a slow burn. Jensen is very dry in this verse, and increasingly affected by the stress of his work.

But I found the answer: Jared. I'll be switching the POV to Jared going forward. So the first half of the fic will be Jensen's POV--extremely necessary and sets us up well with physics content and side characters. The second half of the fic will be Jared's POV--extremely necessary and sets us up well with the engineering side of physics and the modern era.

This way, dear anon, I do *not* have to figure out the specifics of time travel and I get to play to my strengths with content about engineering, HIV, and culture. Jared is a pip in this verse. He compliments Jensen very well. I can't believe the answer was there this whole time. Now, I don't need to stress over the fact that it's actually really hard to come up with a plausible approach to time travel. Like, really, really hard. I reached out to two particle physicists and even with their guidance, could not put the puzzle together in a way that made a stronger argument/sense.

I know it might sound silly that I expected myself to solve time travel or come up with such a detailed, plausible explanation for it, just for a fic. But that's the kind of writer I am. That's the kind of person I am. The pandemic hit just as I had booked a visit to the Fermi Lab. It's still not open to visitors. I wanted to create something that wasn't "a wizard did it" or "black holes! lolololol." (Please, don't ever attempt to time travel through a black hole. Yikes.)

I did this kind of thing with It Takes a lot of Water and wanted to improve upon it. But I had a lot of self-doubt: did people even like this fic? Are my readers interested and engaged? Is Jensen too dry? Too boring?

But the more content I've consumed surrounding physics--and the more physicists I've spoken to--I understand that this narrative is actually pretty accurate.

So. There you have it. Short answer yes. Long answer yes, I just need to come back to it. I need a reread, a refresher, and a walk through of my notes. I need to believe in myself again that I can balance more than one WIP.

Thank you for the interest, anon. You've re-lit my engagement with this fic and I appreciate that so much. <3

-Cal

#compo67 #authorial rambles #j2 au fic #letter to follow fic #time travel fic #long post #cal answers

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queeranesearch · 3 years

Note

ohhh haru for the character game????

Dude. I got carried away with this so uh. yea <3

a song that reminds me of them

man i have so many but I gotta say...Welcome To The Black Parade by mcr. NOW HEAR ME OUT.

Even though he’s such a minor character, so much of what he see from him in his ep is so compelling, mainly, that strong desire to act and make a difference, but external circumstances and internal fear preventing it.

Haru’s father (Tyro) is someone he admires greatly, and we learn that he fought with everything he had against the Fire Nation soldiers, even when he was outnumbered. That direct action and pure determination and resilience is exactly what Haru wants to emulate, but doing so would put him and his mother in danger, and, seemingly, the rest of his village have resigned themselves to their situation. ( Haru expresses his anger at the rest of the village for being “cowards” and not showing any resistance).Haru would’ve been around twelve when his village was occupied, so he’s lost his father, his earthbending teacher, but retained the values Tyro demonstrated: ( “ Son, when you grow up/ Would you be the savior of the broken/ The beaten and the damned?") that resistance, the will to fight and protect others, is what he’s left with.

HOWEVER. Haru has this complicated relationship with his mother where she clearly loves him and wants to keep him safe more than anything, but in doing so smothers him and outright condemns his bending despite it being such an integral part of his identity. (which *cough* can be read as a metaphor for queerness, particularly relating to parents of colour wanting to protect their kids but end up hurting them). Of course this only leads to him practicing behind her back, and there’s a clear tension where she snaps at him when he calls the soldiers thugs, telling him not to talk like that. ( Sometimes I get the feelin'/ She's watchin' over me/And other times I feel like I should go)

So in order to survive, Haru’s forced to supress all this anger he feels at the state of what his home has become, and watch everyone around him surrender themselves: there’s no strength in community anymore, and maybe, there never was, seeing as how easily that old mf betrayed him after Haru saved his life. (A world that sends you reelin'/ From decimated dreams/Your misery and hate will kill us all). So this leads to him feeling disenchanted, discouraged, and pretty hopeless about his situation. But then, of course he meets best girl Katara and she understands his trauma, has that same righteous anger, and is so full of hope. She’s able to remind him what he stands for and inspires him to take that leap, even when his own father was beaten down and discouraged, making him rediscover his own strength and hope. (Do or die, you'll never make me/ Because the world will never take my heart)

And I do joke about Haru is just some guy because. Well, he is. But that makes him even more compelling because you get insight into the life an ‘ordinary’ person, not a main character, not a chosen one, someone who isn’t gonna save the world but still someone who’s gonna do his damn best to make a difference where he can. ( I'm just a man, I'm not a hero/Just a boy, who had to sing this song/I'm just a man, I'm not a hero)

what they smell like

Farm boy smells like natural things; hay, earth, grass, and sun kissed skin.

an otp

You already know. Jetru my beloved <3 Two ek boys full of compassion and strength, wanting to make a difference, finding peace in each other <3

a notp

Hm I guess Ty Lee and Haru? Sorry chibi shorts.

favorite platonic/familial relationships

I absolutely go bonkers thinking about Haru and both his parents but this is already too long so I won’t go into more detail </3 But I adore Katara and Haru as friends so much!! They both have a lot in common what with having a disconnect with their bending, and both have that same anger against injustice! It doesn’t seem like Haru had many friends in his village after its occupation, and Katara didn’t have anyone around her age other than Sokka, so I think they deserve to be friends <3 They can practice bending together and Katara can braid Haru’s hair (one day).

Also Teo and The Duke! I think it’s sweet how they were a little group at the WAT, and it warms my heart to think of lonely, only child Haru basically getting two younger brothers. I reckon Teo would be doing soo many reckless stunts and pulling pranks, and The Duke being literally eight would only add to the chaos. They give him a grey hair <3

a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with

...Does he even have a popular hc? idk i’ll just say I don’t think he’s straight that boy is a fruit.

the position they sleep in

Pretty curled up, like a foetal position, hugging himself; reflecting how reserved and cautious he has to be, and also he’s touch starved and wants comfort. (and he gets it with Jet those two will always cuddle in bed okay)

a crossover au i’d love to see them in

Honestly, a stranger things AU knock around in my brain a lot. Having powers and needing to hide them but not knowing how to deal with them? yes please. Also because of List, I do be thinking of a Luca AU in regards to the whole having to hide who you are to keep yourself safe but wanting more out of life and also having a protective mother.

my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn

well he only has two skdfldgds. but i like the one he wears in ‘Imprisoned’! It’s simple but cute. Also i refuse to acknowlegde him being in the ek army no thank you <3

#*writes a whole fucking essay*#anyways. i like him a normal amount #kath ty for indulging me but also sorry #HJKSDJFHK #haru atla #jetru

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amwritingmeta · 3 years

Text

15x20: New Beginnings

I’d like to speak of the cause and effect of the ending.

I agree that the execution could’ve been skewered just a tiny bit and it would’ve made the overall impression more palatable, but assuming production was at the very least hampered by COVID restrictions, we know that this wasn’t actually Dabb’s final vision. It’s what we’ve got, though, and it still leaves us with a lot of tying up of narrative threads.

How?

We have a final image of Dean and Sam together and I understand why this is irksome and why it feels regressive. Here’s why I think it actually isn’t:

Dark Side of the Moon tells us that Dean and Sam are most definitely not soulmates meant to share a Heaven. Dean’s memories are focused on Sam while Sam’s memories are completely devoid of Dean. Dean also needs to find Sam (and is helped to do so by Cas). Ie. they brothers are not in a shared Heaven, the way Jimmy and Amelia and Mary and John are highlighted to be.

We also know that Heaven’s system is basically a prison for the mind of the souls of those who have died, right? You get stuck in your best memories. This is simply Heaven’s idea of benevolence, because Heaven, and the angels, have never understood how much choice and free will matter to humanity.

So. No matter how much Dean and Sam succeeded in saving the world throughout our narrative, they were still always headed for forced separation and this prison for their minds and being filed away behind one of those white doors, in essence ceasing to exist, and the point of all their trials and tribulations would have been what? Living a long and happy life, only to die and go to what Dean wouldn’t have chosen for himself with a gun to his head? Eternally brainwashed into thinking he’s content?

Can you think of anything more horrible to be waiting at the end of their road?

So the point to this ending we got is, to me, gloriously clear and it’s this:

The journeys of these men, throughout this entire narrative, made the new Heaven possible.

This new Heaven, where there’s freedom of choice and endless possibility for exploration. Where human souls are now granted an afterlife worth actually living, where everyone can reconnect with the people they’ve cared about, the people they’ve loved.

(Buddhists have six Heavens and believe life exists on multiple planes meaning when you die you simply transcend to the next plane where there’s more living to be done) (Swedish children’s author Astrid Lindgren explored the death of two brothers through sacrifice and illness in her novel The Brothers Lionheart and in the mythology of this book the first Heaven one enters just after death is called Nangijala, and once you die in Nangijala you move onto Nangilima and so on) (etc.)

What we get in the Supernatural mythos is that there’s no more prison for the mind. No more only soulmates get a shared Heaven: ie. family genuinely doesn’t end in blood.

So look at what this means for the entire structure of our narrative and our character journeys -->

The Road

If Dean and Sam hadn’t been codependent, they wouldn’t have made those bad choices that brought Cas into the narrative.

If Cas hadn’t been influenced by Dean to rebel and start making bad choices of his own, he never would’ve made Heaven fall apart by trying to stitch it together and teach angels free will and stepping into a leader role he wasn’t quite ready for, and he wouldn’t have begun on the journey that brought him right to the moment when he expressed his need of bringing back a win for Dean, and for himself.

That win, turns out, was Jack.

Cas’ faith in Jack, Cas fighting for Jack, Cas feeling responsible and stepping into the Good Father Figure in order to keep his promise to Kelly and protect Jack was what led to Cas making a bad deal with the Empty, but that bad deal also left Cas with the opportunity to save Dean’s life when death was threatening to break down that door and kill them both.

The remarkable truth that’s added to this moment is that Cas’ journey has brought him to a place in his progression where he’s no longer afraid of his feelings, he’s no longer questioning them or thinking they mean a weakness he shouldn’t let define him, because he realises that what he needs isn’t Dean to love him back for that love to be real, to be valuable and valid. His fear of alienating Dean through loving him is the lie. That’s where his happiness stems from, him recognising and finally embracing this truth.

Because the love he feels isn’t a weakness. It never was: it’s his strength. It’s always guided him, even when he didn’t realise it.

And the strength of it lets him tell Dean exactly how he sees him and that he loves him, and opening up to and being honest with himself is what allows Cas to integrate with his shadow. The Empty takes him, but Cas is at peace, because he no longer fears and avoids his unconscious, he no longer needs to engage in suppression and repression of his emotions, and so his shadow no longer holds any sway over him, which is a fact given to us by how Cas’ ending in this narrative means him being free of the Empty.

A freedom that never would have been granted, never would have been possible, without his faith in, his fighting for and his protection of Jack.

Cas’ words to Dean makes Dean begin his final steps into integration as well, meaning Cas’ declaration of love directly affects the outcome of the fight against Chuck, because Dean wants Cas back, but it’s not everything he’s focused on, since it shouldn’t be everything he’s focused on.

It can’t be, since there are bigger fish to fry, and because of Cas’ view of him, Dean is opening up to his true self, to trust, to having faith in himself, which allows for a letting go of the need for control and thinking it’s all on him and everything is his responsibility or everyone dies.

Thanks to this, we get Dean in teamwork mode with Sam and Jack, the three of them together figuring out how to manipulate Michael into bringing Chuck to them in order for Jack to de-power him.

Dean’s integration is complete, and given to us through the symbology of his inner child (Jack) sucking the power out of his shadow (Chuck) and is then underlined by the ego (Dean) telling his de-powered shadow that it’s to be forgotten. Dean’s shadow, which has fed on and also fuelled the need in Dean for repression and suppression, no longer holds any sway over him.

And Dean’s understanding and embracing of his true identity is highlighted by how he refuses to kill Chuck.

Because that’s not who Dean is: he’s not a killer. He’s internalised Cas’ view of him. Cas’ truth making way for Dean’s own truth to shine a light.

Dean is done with self-denial. And self-destruction.

Which is what 15x20 is all about: that lack of self-destruction and the finality of goodbye.

Because Dean being shown to accept the finality of the loss of Cas has such direct bearing on Dean’s ability to accept the finality of saying goodbye to his brother.

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

All of this, all of it, is because of and thanks to Cas’ LOVE for Dean.

Thanks to the moment that allowed Cas to express it and to SEE Dean for who he truly is.

Thanks to the moment of Cas’ integration we get Dean integrating.

And it’s so beautiful that it’s the loss of Cas this time that allows for Dean to do this, because he’s always plummeted into despair without Cas. His progression has slowed to a crawl without Cas in the narrative. His entire sense of self, his entire source of faith in anything, being drained out of him.

This has been romantic and lovely and fabulous, but it’s also so unhealthy.

Dean being shown to mourn, to want Cas back, to expect Cas at the end of that phone call, only for him to move away from the need and want to have Cas back, recognising that it’s possible Cas’ return is now an improbability and choosing to look to the future, because now he’s feeling worthy of a future, this is such an important detail for the love story to move from profound bond territory...

(where Cas used the bond forged by Heaven as an excuse for why he kept hanging around Dean) (Dean was his charge, his mission, he was meant to protect him) (a view shattered by Hester in S8) (and properly dismantled by the human!Cas arc) (at least the way I see it because that’s where Cas got that love he feels brought into actual stark relay like oh fuck I’m in love with him)

...to the healthy, selfless, loving side to that bond, which isn’t about self-deception, miscommunication and fear, but about blowing all of that apart, letting feelings flow freely, opening up to the truth of them, the strength of them, and these two men being able to finally free themselves of all those past doubts by embracing their true identities.

I realise there’s frustration that we only got part-textual Destiel. I felt it too. But I never expected canon Destiel. I hoped and wished, but up until Cas’ declaration of love, I questioned whether the studio would be onboard, and it turns out they weren’t okay with making SPN an overtly queer narrative. Was Cas’ declaration of love baiting or BYG? I hope my meta reading in this post will tell you how little I feel it was.

So then. Letting go of the initial shock of it all, I’m leaning on what I did expect: the love story so strongly highlighted in the subtext that we were all left with zero doubt that we’d been seeing it there for a reason.

Subtext is part of the text. For any writer worth their salt, subtext is more important than the surface text. Text without subtext is flat and dull. The text we’ve been dealing with for fifteen years has always had layers upon layers.

These final three episodes, as I’ve already pulled on above, brings it in spades and our subtext tells us plainly:

Dean Winchester is in love with Castiel, just as much as Castiel is in love with him.

How does it tell us this plainly?

Cas is finally able to integrate because he opens up to the truth he’s carried with him for so long: his love for Dean. Unconditional. He no longer needs Dean to say it back, to validate the emotion, Cas is realising that happiness in the feeling itself, in acknowledging it and allowing it free rein. Cas moves into making peace with himself, for himself.

Now, we know Cas loves Dean because, well, declared, but why is it plain that Dean loves Cas back?

Firstly, because of the episode being entirely structured around people in love losing one half. That’s as much of an in-our-faces use of mirroring as underlining of the subtextual love story that we’ve ever gotten from Berens.

Even stronger than the mirroring, for me, is the fact that Cas’ love for Dean allows Dean to finally move into integration.

Cas’ words infuse Dean with a sense of self-worth that immediately paves way for him beginning to have all that faith in himself that Cas has always represented to him. The build from 15x18 through to 15x20 is like a gentle moving away from Cas being the external source of Dean’s faith, to Cas’ love and expressed faith revealing Dean’s internal source of faith in himself.

A source which has been suppressed and repressed out of a whole layer of different fears, which have in turn brought on the belief that a toxic masculinity armour was necessary for survival and that all feelings are weaknesses, but because of Cas’ faith in him, because of Cas’ expressed love, Dean is able to no longer need an external source of faith, because he’s now internalised and embraced the truth of what makes him who he is.

Just like Cas is shown to do, we’re given Dean recognising that the love he feels isn’t a weakness, but a strength, because Cas’ words is about Dean’s capacity for LOVE. It’s this love that takes away Chuck’s ability to tell Dean who he is.

No one can tell you who you are -- you choose who to be.

For his entire life, right up until that moment in that room with Cas, facing death (literally) all Dean can see himself as is someone who can do nothing and who knows nothing except how to give into his anger (he’s never been able to control it because he’s never recognised the source of it) and find something to kill.

This view of himself has been constantly whispered to him and reinforced by his unconscious, his Shadow-side, who’s kept Dean thinking that he doesn’t have good things last for him, ever, so he can’t have love in his life or a future to look forward to, because he doesn’t deserve it. A perpetual emotional roundabout where his Shadow-side has stayed in complete control.

One might argue this has always been the source of Dean’s anger: his inability to dare open up to his true identity that has kept the toxic masculinity armour in place, kept the performance up, kept him more often than not lying even to himself of who he is and who he wants to be, because he never felt there was a choice in the matter.

Truly allowing himself to recognise and feel all that longing for love that’s been like a tight ball in his chest always, meant giving into weakness meant getting Sammy killed or himself or both of them meant failure.

But the only way to beat back and conquer our Shadow-side is by recognising and accepting our flaws and no longer feeling unworthy because of them.

That’s what Cas’ words and his love does for Dean.

That’s right there in the subtext: Dean, even in the moments before certain death, being unable to open up to the truth of who he is and what really drives him; Dean needing his external source of faith, this man that he’s loved for a long time, to tell him that how he sees himself is wrong, to afford him a different view of himself, to bring the truth to light so that Dean can finally feel worthy it, because Dean couldn’t beat his Shadow back on his own, his dark view of himself was much too ingrained for that.

It had to be Cas. The narrative tells us it always had to be Cas. And so it is Cas who saves Dean from himself. And saves Dean’s life. And saves Dean from having to spend his afterlife in a prison of the mind.

Love wins.

And Cas only ever entered the narrative due to Dean’s need to Protect Sammy at all costs, because that has always been such a huge identity marker for Dean, his entire self-understanding and sense of self tied to whether he can keep his brother alive and out of harms way, which, as he grows up, then translates itself into Dean’s enormous capacity for selflessness and caring about others.

His core trait was never weapon, it was shield. It was protector. Stemming directly from all that love he carries around and can’t allow himself to feel because it means weakness and that means death and that means he’s failed and is worthless and around it has always gone.

And would always have gone, too. If not for Cas.

Love fucking WINS.

I mean. DAMN! It’s so gorgeous.

(this angle still holds even if Dean in any way was ever meant to actually reciprocate in that scene, because it’s made so clear to us how Cas never expects Dean to say it back) (if Dean is meant to say it back and the love story is meant to be textual that would be mind-blowing head-exploding joyful news) (but it doesn’t change the subtextual move away from unhealthy holding on to healthy letting go) (the textual would only ever strengthen the fact that we have subtextual confirmation)

But what about...?

Yeah, but what about that ending then? What about the last twenty minutes? What about all the focus on the brothers?

Was the execution of the finale perfect? No, I wouldn’t say it was, but I could see, when I watched the finale again on the 21st, that there was efforts made to make something good enough. Something geared toward tying our narrative up as best as possible with the means presented to Dabb.

I understand why people feel stuff is missing.

Because stuff is missing. Dabb told us they had to change the ending, that they were supposed to have a whole lot of people back to populate Dean’s Heaven. Found family galore. Misha said the same thing. They couldn’t (I’m not going to speculate on why, it’s just clear that they couldn’t) and so the ending had to be modified. To me that’s fairly plain in how it’s structured.

Did they have to focus so hard on the brothers?

Well... given the restrictions, I think this was the only way to end this narrative, because the story has always been centred on these two brothers and the bad choices and sacrifices they’ve made, and the blood, sweat and tears they’ve shed in order to remain together.

Their absolute inability to let the other go actually kick-started their onscreen journey.

Because this is a story about dependency, and letting go of that dependency to make way for a healthy, equal coexisting; which is what, to me, that final shot is all about.

Should Cas and Jack have been there? Sure! There will always be stuff missing from the final two eps that I’ll wonder about. Like, if Cas was never meant to be in the story (as per Misha he was but let’s say for argument’s sake) then why didn’t Dean just ask, very calmly, in 15x19 of Jack our New God: “What about Cas?” and then Jack our New God could’ve answered gently, but plainly: “He’s at peace.” Simple. Why didn’t we get an establishing of Eileen as Sam’s wife? And it would’ve helped so much to have Charlie and Stevie reestablished in the visual narrative as alive, however plain it is to me that Jack will have brought them back with everyone else who were away-ed by Chuck.

Sure, there could’ve been more.

But what I love about that final shot of the brothers is this canonical fact:

It would not have been possible without Cas.

Cas learning and growing and integrating to the point that he knows exactly how to fix the home he’s broken more than once, and how to bring free will, at long last, to Heaven, to the benefit of humanity.

And Dean’s little sideways smile (his “I want this smile”) when Cas is mentioned, when he realises that Heaven is different thanks to Cas, well, isn’t that just the darnedest thing?

*forever headcanon that Dean was expecting to see Cas again somewhere somehow he just didn’t know when and now... here Cas is*

When Cas went, it took a little time to adjust, but Dean let go of Cas and didn’t make a deal and didn’t go crazy or self-destructive, there was no nosediving into depression, because Cas’ words made those types of coping mechanisms no longer necessary.

Dean drinks and indulges at the start of 15x19 because he’s still processing, but by 15x20 Cas’ words have been fully internalised, Dean has integrated, and he’s looking to the future. Set on living, because otherwise he’d render Cas’ sacrifice meaningless.

Dean’s death has zero blaze and glory to it. He didn’t expect this day to be the day. But it is. And he accepts it. And because he does, because he’s open and honest with his brother, because he tells Sam all the words he needs Sam to carry with him, gives Sam all the faith in himself that Cas left Dean with, he’s brought to a Heaven that has been readied for him by the love of his life.

Cas is right there. And he’s been waiting. And he’s used his time well, because Heaven is now the afterlife that Dean deserves. The ultimate salvation. Love and happiness and companionship and LOVE LOVE LOVE. Forever.

If that isn’t the biggest reward for the both of them after everything they’ve been through, I don’t even know what is!

Sam arriving is a given, but I have to say I genuinely do not see Sam as living his life in pain and grief. He’s happy. He loves his kid. He’s a good father. Just like Dean was, and Bobby, and Cas. All the Good Father figures threaded through 15x20. And this narrative has been about these two brothers. It ending on them together, at peace, feels fitting.

Yeah, but shouldn’t Dean have gotten to live his life?

Sure, this is my interpretation 100%, but Dean’s death feels softly ironic and fitting because it is unexpected.

I can’t hit on this enough: there’s no blaze and glory.

Dean was ready to make the most of life, but through accepting death and accepting separation from Sam, Dean is brought into the same moment Cas was brought into, a moment of recognising what’s important, where Dean opens up fully to vulnerability and hands over his trust and faith in that Sam will be fine without him, which pushes Sam into the same integration that Cas’ words afforded Dean. Voicing trust and faith will do that for a person.

And Sam’s arc was always dependent, narratively, on the progression of Dean’s arc, so it makes a lot of narrative sense that this needed to happen for Sam to get pushed out of the nest and forced into having proper faith in himself. Because there’s no other choice.

He’s left doing what he has to and it results in a balance between that family life he’s always wanted (foreshadowed in 15x01) and staying aware of and raising his son to be aware of the reality of their world, given to us via the tattoo on Dean Jr.’s wrist. (oofta I wish he’d had a different name but since everything had to be done in the visual narrative it’s the easiest way to connect us with Dean still being present in Sam’s life so I get it)

There’s also that romantic in me that feels as though Dean is greatly rewarded for all his suffering and struggles, for all those years of living his life in fear and feeling as though he doesn’t matter by not only bringing him into a Heaven he made possible, but by reuniting him with the love of his life and this time they’re equally immortal, equally made of light, equally eternal, equally integrated and balanced and ready to accept all that love and happiness.

That just makes me fucking happy. For them both.

Bring on the New Beginnings

The fact that the narrative has opened itself up to being interpreted as somehow glorifying death or saying that happiness can only be found in death is distressing, but I hope that the threads I’ve pulled on here gives enough of a basis for me to say how I truly feel like this is simplifying why the choice was made for Dean to die.

It’s not about happiness only being found in death.

It’s not about devaluing living your life, it’s about the idea, the soft hope, even the narrative promise that death, for our characters, not for humanity as a whole, but for these specific men, who have always avoided it and made bad deals and feared separation and been brought into a crisis of identity (Dean because he doesn’t know who he is without Protect Sammy as purpose and Sam because he genuinely and continuously seem convinced that he can’t hunt without Dean to lead the way) whenever death has touched them have now reached a point where the separation is an accepted part of life.

And this acceptance is rewarded: because the separation isn’t forever.

Death is not the end. It makes way for new beginnings. For all three of TFW. Actually all four, because of course Jack is included in this endgame.

There’s a transformation that takes place, thanks to them integrating. They get to transcend what’s come before and move onto the next plane of existence together.

Together.

TFW 3.0!

Death on this show has always been about a moment of rebirth, of entering a different leg of their journeys.

I don’t find it out of place at all that the ultimate moment of death for our characters mean just that.

Not an ending, but a new beginning.

In conclusion

Could there have been more? As said, yes. Absolutely yes. But I doubt Dabb isn’t aware of that. I don’t think this is the ending he originally intended. It might have been a brothers focused ending, because I think Dean was always meant to die and go to Heaven, but Dean’s Heaven was meant to be a celebration of found family.

The subtext of this narrative is what I’ve been reading and what I’ve been hooked on for four years, and what I’ll continue to be hooked on for the rest of my life, I’m fairly sure. I wish it could be celebrated, the way it always has been, the way we’ve always known to look deeper.

I hoped Supernatural would turn out to be a vehicle for overt representation. I always hoped that, and believe that was what the writers wanted. The fact that we didn’t get overt bisexual Dean and Destiel as unquestionable canon was distressing to me too and I’ll always think of this ending as a missed opportunity and I wish the CW would learn and fucking do better already.

I understand the frustration, I understand the anger, I just wish we could all look at the richness of this ending and everything it says about the narrative, about our subtext, about our love story, about our character journeys, and lean into the treasury of it.

And omfg we got Cas as canonically queer.

We got a main character on our show that is overt representation, on a journey towards a moment where he gets to express love and hope and clarity and this in turn moving through and enabling the integration of Dean and ultimately of Sam as well.

Truth begetting truth. Happiness begetting happiness. And love saving the day.

So, my friends, I will say this: saying that all the writing is bad, or claiming that there’s no depth, nothing to pull on, that it all just plain sucked, that doesn’t quite cut it. These three final episodes, just as any episode ever of this goddamn show, contain all of those layers and layers, especially when looked at together and certainly when taken into the context of the show as a whole.

And yes, you are, of course, more than welcome to your own interpretation!

To finish I’ll quote Bruce Almighty:

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelove!!

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