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#and maybe start doing yoga everyday again

itoshi-s · 1 year

Text

@marycorn requested: rin + bathing with him // no lukewarm love v-day event !

wc: 1.7k. cw: fem reader (referred to as woman like, once), fluff, rin isn't all that used to love :,3

"you're feeling more like oat milk and vanilla, or.." you pause, twisting the jar so you can read the label properly, "oh, you like this one- lavender and lemon?"

you hold up the candles, lifting them respectively as you speak, only to find rin - the very one your question is directed at - still staring at his phone intently as he rubs the back of his neck. the little frown etched between his brows and tense stance of his broad shoulders make him seem entirely too stressed for your liking.

"rin?" you ask again, putting one of the jars down on the counter. "you okay?"

it's only the lighter flicking that makes him snap out of his stupor. he glances over, teal eyes a bit confused until they settle on the candle you lit up - his favorite.

(it's hard to call it a favorite when it's actually the only scent he enjoys among all your other gourmand and flowery ones.)

"hm? yeah, sorry." rin sighs and locks his phone, setting it down before reaching to pull his hoodie off. "just some press shit before the season starts. had to catch up." he explains, voice muffled by the thick cotton over his mouth before he fully peels the garment off.

"'s alright." you hum softly, hand dipping into the bath water to check temperature. "i just don't like seeing you all pent up like that."

now, rin doesn't like how it feels, either. perhaps that's why he values his routine so much - the daily schedule he's been following ever since he realized how serious he is about football. morning stretch, breakfast, practice, lunch, gym, going home, dinner, evening yoga, then some meditation to finish the day. sounds like a lot — and it definitely is — but surprisingly so, it doesn’t feel as tiring as it might seem.

rin’s never really thought this tight schedule of his lacked anything, either — at least not until you crawled your way right into his heart, albeit a little too cold but oh, so aching for love still, and made yourself home in the long abandoned space. it's only natural you came with a whole package - all your silly candles, drawers full of various bath bombs and salts, and far too many masks to count, which you always looked so ecstatic to put on his face.

you came with your own little routine - one that fit so perfectly into his, it's almost as if it was fate's doing.

perhaps, this is exactly what he needed at the end of his day - your skin on his, head tilted back to rest on his shoulder as you listen to him speak, so intently and calmly as always. maybe, the feel of your fingers in his hair, tenderly pushing the bangs out of his face as you grin upon the sight - here's my handsome boy - is the little piece he longed for everyday.

(love, he thinks is the right word for it. he needed your love - but despite getting better at voicing out his feelings over the years, it's still far too sappy to admit to out loud.)

snapping out of thought, rin shakes his head. “yeah, me neither.” the man mumbles under his breath, and you need to look over your shoulder to make sure he’s just teasing — voice far too tired to make out the tone. “if they end up calling again, it's better cause someone's dead or some shit. not picking up otherwise.”

you laugh, and rin’s mouth curls into a rare smile.

“wow," you mumble, "that’s not very captain of you." you tease, to which he snorts.

"not very teammate of them to be such idiots either." you'd suppose there would be more of a bite to his tone as he retorts, but it's surprisingly gentle as he allows his gaze to rest on your silhouette, taking in the image of you slipping the silk robes off your shoulders and exposing the soft skin underneath. he sniffs shortly, "whatever. let's not talk about 'em anymore."

you only give a slight chuckle in reply as you slip into the bathtub, followed by a content sigh. the bubbles have grown thick and luscious, nearly covering most of your body once you’re fully submerged in the glittery lilac water, and rin’s cheeks grow warm in time with your own. yours, because the water is indeed just a bit too hot even for your liking; his, because you look so fucking sweet, a sight for his sore eyes.

pulling your knees chose to your chest, you squirm forward to make space behind you. "c'mon, it's gonna run cold-"

"shut up, woman," rin mutters under his breath as he steps in behind your back, lowering himself and pulling you flush against his chest once he's fully seated. the water sloshes over the edges at his sudden motion and you gasp - both at the mess and his jab.

"hey!" you try to turn in his grasp, but the way it tightens keeps you locked in place. rin laughs by your ear as you lean your head back with a pout. "it's the first time in, like, forever that we have time for this, and that's the treatment i get?"

rin gives your frame a squeeze again, paired with a chaste kiss pressed to the crook of your neck. you lean your head to the side, allowing more space, and it's almost muscle memory by this point - merely an instinct and unconscious thought that makes rin's heart jolt.

it has been a while, indeed, rin figures. you've been both way too busy with work to make way for the small things, pieces of your daily routines that in the end made the day feel this much better. now, he's not exactly sure how did all of... this become a regular routine for you two, but it has quickly turned out to be the very thing both his mind and body long for whenever it's time for a break.

maybe the lack of time was the cause of his annoyance spiking these past few days, eyes rolling upon the most minor inconveniences. he's never been the calmest type around the team, but it was truly best to keep your mouth around him lately. (if there has to be one person to ask about it, it's ryusei. as always.)

as rin inhales your scent, mixing with the faint citrus of the bubblebath and calming lavender the candle diffuses, he realizes that he's missed you.

long eyelashes flutter against your shoulder as he closes his eyes, hands starting to roam down your waist and grope their way to your hips where they finally settle.

"i missed you." rin admits, albeit to his own surprise - and it seems like yours, too, if the way your fingers flex on his knee is anything to go by. he noses at your neck and feels his shoulders finally loosen up. "missed this, i mean."

you shift in your seat slightly, back pressing against the firm planes of his chest even further, until you can nearly feel the steady thumping of his heart.

"me too." you say softly, one hand slipping to rest on his bicep instead while the other guides his other arm to wrap around your chest again. you squeeze it tight and turn your head to get a better look of rin's face. "it's not as fun without you anymore, yanno?"

rin must sense your gaze on him, cause as soon as you're done speaking, his head lifts from it's spot on your shoulder and turquoise eyes lock with yours. a small smile breaks across your face as you reach a hand up, pushing back the bangs that already start to stick to his forehead.

"you're telling me i'm fun?" the ravenette mumbles, corners of his lips pulling upwards when you go to mess with his hair.

your chest squeezes with adoration upon the sight - handsome, refined features on show, paired with the dearest look anyone could ever grace you with. sheepishly, you nuzzle your face against rin's neck and nod. "well- sometimes." you murmur and feel his throat vibrate with a laugh.

"took you long enough t' admit." rin snickers, straightening his legs a tad more as he leans back, until the water reaches shy past your collarbones. "you wanna tell me something else while we're at it, baby?" he taunts, head tipping down just slightly to steal a look at your face, still snugly fit in the crook between his neck and shoulder.

"mmhm, i just might." you hum, "i love you, dummy," you sigh, holding back an amused smile as you push yourself up. sitting up straight, you look back over your shoulder just in time to spot the very sight you've longed after for the past few days - teal eyes just barely hooded yet sparkling with so much affection, and a content smile to pair with.

you watch silently as rin rolls his shoulders back, arms moving to rest over the edge of the tub. it's been a little while since you've last seen his body this relaxed, lean muscles all loosened up and frame seemingly even more broad now as he rests.

"i love you, too," the man replies, feeling his smile widen upon noticing your lips curl up in a grin of your own as well. perhaps it's just these silly essential oils you've loaded the bath water with, or maybe it's the temperature and steam in general, cause there's a giddy feeling gnawing away at his chest and a loop pulling at his heart that makes it just a tad harder to breathe properly.

(it's the same sensation that only ever creeps up on him when he looks at you. love, rin thinks. he can voice it out all he wants, bare his heart for you countless times - but he's never getting used to how dizzy it makes him, searing hot in his veins and cotton-like in his head.)

a sense of serenity swirls around the room and mixes with the delicate lavender as silence falls over the both of you, other than the gentle fizz of bubbles and flicker of the candle. you hold rin's gaze as he breathes, chest in a steady rise and fall until he opens his mouth to speak - and you're surprised he's only ever asking for it now.

"wash my hair, please?" rin speaks - quietly and meekly so, as if you ever denied him the thing - and you roll your eyes, hand already reaching towards the stand to fetch the shampoo bottle as you smile, feeling so lovesick your chest hollows.

"thought you'd never ask."

#୨୧ 𝑁𝑂 𝐿𝑈𝐾𝐸𝑊𝐴𝑅𝑀 𝐿𝑂𝑉𝐸 #✧.* zaria writes #thank you for requesting luv !! & for your kind words as well < 3 #rin itoshi x reader #itoshi rin x reader #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader #rin x reader #blue lock fluff #blue lock x you #bllk x you #itoshi rin x you #rin itoshi x you #blue lock imagines #itoshi rin #blue lock

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brights-place · 3 months

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Creek, Synth, and Trollex first kiss headcannons maybe?🙇🙇

First Kiss Headcannons

Pairings: Synth X Reader, Creek X Reader, Trollex X Reader (Seperate)

Warnings: Fluff

A/N: First kiss headcannons! YIPPEEEE!

Creek

- your first kiss was when you two finish creek teaching an yoga class - You two were packing up and he couldn't help but smile at you when you two finished and he was holding your waist as you kissed his cheek which he did the same - This turned into you kissing Creeks freckles as he cups your hand as you two stare at eachother with an soft gaze before leaning in - Your lips connected as his lips felt soft yet rough as he was holding you like you would be gone - When he pulls away as you two pulled away and smiled you couldn't help but giggle when he smiles at you with an huge grin as you two soon kissed again softly and happily before you two go back to packing up - Though creek was calm he was melting on the inside contemplating everything and why he did that while your on the other side giggling to yourself

Synth

- Tackles you into an hug after an rave and snuggles into you which leads up to you holding him close to your chest and rubbing his back as he grins - Synth was still hyper as he then started to twist and turn around your arms as you laugh kissing his cheek well you WERE suppose to kiss his cheek but he turned to face you but you two accidentally kissed - You two froze processing what had just happened as Synth brightened up more and tackled you straddling your hisp as he kisses you deeply with an huge smile - He wouldn't stop kissing you and always saying 'I love you' many times which made you grin - Synth's lips were soft and sweet like cherries as he left kisses all over your face and hands before kissing your lips longer once more - Golden retriever energy boyfriend>> (goes for Trollex aswell) - This male was so addicted to your kisses now everyday he would pop out of nowhere and kiss you

Trollex

- His arms wrapped around you after his kingly duties he was tired from partying and having to do his job - He couldn't help but sigh in relief in your arms as you cupped his face asking him if he was alright which he was - You two were staring at eachother lovingly and trollex couldn't help but admire how gorgeous/handsome you were in his eyes - You peppered his freckles with kisses as he chuckled peppering your face back with kisses before 'accidentally' kissing your lips his lips touching yours softly - His eyes widened when realizing what he did as he quickly went to apologize thinking he went to fast but when you pulled him back in he froze before melting into the kiss making ti turn rough yet loving - His hands gripped onto you as he laughed happily when pulling away and kissing you once more - Golden retriever energy boyfriend>>

reblogs + comments are appreciated ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

©brights-place 2023 — do not repost on another platform, copy, translate or edit my works! if you fit my DNI list please don't interact

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chemicallady · 7 months

Note

Heyyy, would you possibly be able to do a Noah Sebastian story that is like a brothers best friend dynamic? I live eat and breathe this stuff lol

I WANNA FEEL LOVE AGAIN

Couple: Noah Sebastian x Fem!Reader

Content Warning: slight mention of sexual intercorse. Nothing too deep, I'm saving it for next Chapters

Summary: you're a real mess, your life is turning into a living hell, so your brother Matt convinces you to move in with him in LA and start working for the band he's taking care of

A/N: I dont wanna spoil to much in here, because... Well, you' ll see. English is not my native language and no one peer review this ff. It's gonna be a world of fun, I already know it!

Important! I don't know Noah or Matt or any of the real people portrayed un this story. This is fictional!

Enjoy then 😏

Ouch, I've lost myself again

You've always been around, unseen. Having a brother like Matt could be a blessing and a nightmare in equal parts. You were feeded with stories about gigs and musicians while grow up with your older brother, who is dear to you in a way that actually you cant explain. Matt as always been your twin flame even if you are younger than him. You grew up looking at him with a lot of respect and it broke your heart when he left Texas, moving to California. At the time you werent ready for the big change and your brother's friend were still a bit mysterious to you.

You were used to spend as much time as possible in his company, but with this fresh start for him, you just fell into the ordinary. Nothing against your life, by the way; your parents always supporting, best friends ready to drive you to the closer pub and deliver the best night possible, a lovely boyfriend who adored you in any meaning.

You loved the shit out of Shawn. He was your person, the one always there when you were in need. Your high school sweetheart. Maybe he wasnt your first kiss or your first fuck but he was the one who made you feel like it was worthy, living for someone else. The one who pushed you to improve yourself for your own sake, that helped you in finding a job for the local tattoo shop as a piercer when the school was over.

You did everything in your power to be the best girlfriend possible. You decoreted your shared flat in the warmest way possible. You turned down a good scholarship for that college in Montana, pissing your parents and brother for this lost opportunity. You gave up to your dream to be a writer because he had to stay in Texas and take care of his mom. You helped him through the loss, when she die.

But it wasn't enough.

You loved the shit out of Shawn and he loved you in return, but it wasn't enough.

Your relationship suffered a slow, agonizing death with multiple attempt of reanimation. Vacations togheter, a bigger flat, a cat.

Nothing compensate the distance between the two of you and he was the one brave enough to call it for a quit. You knew was gonna happen but it didn't hurt you less. Moving back to your parents, while quitting your job just to avoid to meet him everyday, took you to the bottom. Then the shutdown decided to kick you while you were already down, spending days in bed just listen music or watching anime whitout any chance to go out with your friends or for just a walk.

Everyone was really worried about you. You lose weight and that energy that always marked you.

And you stayed there, drowing in your own misery until Matt decided that enough was enough.

《 Pack your shit, you're moving in with me to LA. You're done making mom and pops that upset.》

The end of fall 2021 signed your rebirth. Matt found a bigger apartment for the two of you and Lucifurr, your vicious black cat which has an obsession in chewing cables and destroy everything paper made. You have always want to leave nearby the ocean and Malibu had a ton of opportunities to offer you. You started a yoga class the same week you moved, in order to make some new friends. Accoding to Matt, there are a lot of things to do around the band he is working with, Bad Omens.

You offer yourself as a merchgirl, but since you're a good writer an even better in tolerate people bullshit (you have to be karmatic, all the teens who came to get a piercing to the shop have always made a scene in front of needles), you could be perfect as a PR/assistant for the band. You remember them barely because someway somehow, these are the guys who steal all the time Matt has. Time that you never get.

You remember this four guys with long hair, basic metalheads, except for the drummer. You remember when you gave him the nostril after a show in 2015, maybe 16, and he took it like a champ whitout complaining. You remember the singer, this slenderman type of guy with beautiful long hair that looks like silk. You've never felt more envy of someone else hair like that. And also the other three guys were nice, especially Vincent. The only one who you can connect to a familiar face because you two got a nice conversation on tattoos when you visited Matt, three years ago.

They are nice.

You've heard stories about them at every phone call.

But still, thieves of precious moments that you want have again in your life again between you and your brother.

All the missing birthday, all the call postponed due to technical issues. He wasn't there to pick up your pieces when Shawn get a rid of you.

And Matt wasn't supposed to, but being selfish, you wish he was there.

But he is now and this is enough to bring the light back to your life. The long talks after dinner, movie nights, everything is back to the normal between you two since you moved and it's restoring.

With this wave of good mood, even if you havent forgotten Shawn yet, you enroll to gym, so you can work out after yoga.

And is in this specific place that you meet Eric.

The first time you caught him lurking at you you were running on the thremill.

There is something familiar in him but still, you dont know anyone in LA. You were the one who actually landed the first conctact with this new alien subject, so introvert to avoid your eyes.

《 Today is hot as hell, right?》

Talking about the weather is the easiest card to play. He smiled a bit shily to you before answering. 《 Don't tell me, I hate how hot is in here. Are you new? I've never seen you around》

《 I just moved in with my brother, actually. 》

《 You're a southie for sure. I like your accent.》

You giggle at his words, while he gets some confidence, passing a hand through this short hair. 《 you got me. You don't sound californian as well》.

《 Maybe because I'm not》. There was a moment in which he seemed to be doubtful, like he changed his mind and he didn't want actually to talk with you. He looked at you with a weird expression, like he realised something was off. 《 What's your name?》, he asked then, almost suspicious.

And then you lied. You rarely give your real name to strangers. A self defence mechanism for girls. 《 Vanessa. You?》

He looked more relaxed, 《 Eric.》

《 Nice to meet you Eric... Do you know a nice bar around? 》

《 Maybe I know a place 》 he reflected, smiling a bit malicious. He was definitely flirting. 《 Can offer you a beer or something? Just to welcome you in town.》

You are not ready for a new story yet, but after almost a year after you broke up with Shawn, you needed at least some human conctact. Eric was nice with you since the beginning. He invited you to this dive bar after the gym a couple of times, not far from your place. He paid for you a couple of cocktails while having a real nice Conversation. A superficial one, about the tattoos that covered him. About living in LA. You mentioned your brother a couple of times and he talked about his roomates and all the crazy things they have done during the pandemic.

He told you he is a Producer and you told him you're still unemployed.

One way or another, he got closer to you in a matter of days. And when he kissed you, you obliged and kiss him back. One thing leaded to another and the two of you ended fucking in the back of his SUV. And oh boy... you needed it so much. It was a quickie, but he seemed to be promising. His long fingers stimulated you untill you cried out for pleasure. His mounth divoured you inch by inch. And his cock....

He knew how to use it, let's say that.

After, he gave you his number and the two of you planned to see each other by the end of the week, at the gym, after your yoga class and his class of jujitsu....

The morning after you're fresh and relaxed like you weren't in months. Matt tends to be overprotective so you didn't told him about Eric while you were having breakfast. You need to know this guys deeply before accept that you know have a situationship. And your brother doesn't need to know about you screacting you itchies.

He has a hot temper when someone looks at his dear little sis.

After breakfast you got ready to meet the band again after almost three years.

《 I can't believe Vincent quitted. He was the nicest.》

Matt sighs while driving to the guys' house, mentally focused on the traffic. 《 youll see him when we'll be in Virginia, don't worry. 》

Your eyes slip on streets and houses, wards and parks but you still feel like You're in a new country. You don't know how much it will take to get used to California.

《 here we are》 , Matt says, parking. 《 let's refresh the rules.》

《 Oh c'mon, I'm not twelve anymore》

《 y/n 》

《 alright! I don't have to embarrass you while you're free to be mean on me. I don't have to embarrass myself talking shit just because I'm nervous and if the music sucks, I can't tell your precious Noah.》

《 You can do better but, more or less, that's it. Lets go. I need another coffe and maybe something sweet before start to film the music video. 》

It's so weird filming inside a house and not in a proper set but all this low budget bullshit are quite the normal for small bands, you think.

You have to be their assistant and eventually a PR- so Matt can stop to bitching on twitter all the time- and you know nothing about bands.

According to Matt, you're going to learn quick.

According to Matt. You know that he picked you up for the job so he can force you to write what he wants.

And continuing to bitch around through you.

The guitar player greets you at the door and introduces himself again as Jolly. The rest of the guys minus Noah are in the garage. It's marvelous how Orie, one of the guys who lives here, a director, reorganize the space with tubes and flashlight.

《 What's the name of the song, again? 》 you ask to Nick Folio, whos already youre favorite.

《 Artifical Suicide》 it's the answer, while he takes his place back behind the drums.

《So emo》 it's your honest observation that makes him laught. Matt looks at you in a way that if he could, you would be incinerated where you're standing. You're already embarrassing him.

Nice.

You regret nothing.

It's a lil sister job to make her brother in troubles, that's what pops always says.

Mike brings you a coffe that you accept with a smile, than tells everyone the news about the singer that is still not here.

A diva, of course. That's your first thought. Every singer is a natural diva.

《 He is still looking for the glove.》

《 He would lost his head if it wasn't attacked to his neck》 , a solid comment arrives from Ruffilo, immediatly followed by an annoyed reply from behind you.

《 I can ear you motherfucker. You are- what the fuck?》

You turn in time to face the famous singer and almost choke with the coffe.

《 Yo Noah, do you remember my sister, y/n?》

You see Noah turning pale for a second while trying to say something in return.

You're also speechless for a second, before putting your shit togheter so Matt wont finds out in the first five minutes. 《 Howdy! You... you cut your hair. Nice. I didn't know》

You didn't.

That's why was so easy for Noah to be Eric for almost a week. For a hook up with you. His best friend sister.

....Splendid.

You're fucked.

#noah sebastian #bad omens #noah sebastian x reader #noah sebastian imagine #bad omens imagine

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dollediary · 1 year

Text

He's Yours, But Am I?

pairings❥ jake x fem!reader

point of view❥ 3rd person

warnings❥ mentions of sex, body issues, dieting, signs of pregnancy, abandonment, slight verbal abuse, manipulation, unprotected sex

word count❥ 20.6k

genre❥ angst, smut

synopsis❥ falling in love with your friends with benefits is a difficult burden to carry. not using protection to feel closer to each other was fun until you missed your period, so what happens when your pregnancy test results come back positive? to you, it had been a dream come true; you knew you had to break the news to him eventually, and maybe you could finally confess your feelings to him. when you do finally tell him the news he tells you he isn't ready to be a father, requesting you to stop seeing each other. falling in love with your friends with benefits is a difficult burden to carry, but it in no way compares to being in love with your friends with benefits and having his child to carry.

note: i apologize for the absence. i was so emotionally invested in writing this story, so i just kinda lacked the motivation to wrote anything else. can't promise all of your previous requests will be fulfilled, but i'll do my best! please like, reblog, and interact as much as possible! it will help me get motivation to finish more stories and grant more requests. i'm super proud of this work, i think i'll do 3rd person from now on. i hope you all enjoy, let me know how you all like it!

"do you think i'm getting fat?" y/n asks her friend, chaewon, as she pinches her stomach, the almost unnoticeable weight gain making her frown at herself while she stood sideways in the mirror. chaewon frowns as she watched from the bed, she noticed y/n had been losing her glow ever since july ended, but she attributed it to their sophomore year in college that would be starting up again in weeks' time. y/n always lost her glow whenever school started back up.

"a little," chaewon replied honestly. "but that's normal! we've been eating well these days; it could just be a bloat, you know?" y/n thought about it for a second and nodded. that may have been the reason she's also been nauseous lately, too, having eaten more than her body could handle in the name of enjoying her summer break more. chaewon takes note of y/n's thoughtful silence, adding onto her statement, "we can always go to my pilates and yoga classes to change it back to normal if you want..?"

"maybe, i'm gonna wait a few days to see if it'll go down on its own first," y/n sighed, giving her reflection one last glance as she unfolded and pulled her oversized shirt down again, meeting chaewon on the bed with a jump and loud thud as she stared at the ceiling. chaewon only stared forward, continuing to watch tv as they stayed in a comfortable silence.

"you talk to hyunjin lately?" y/n asks chaewon, breaking the silence. chaewon only shrugs her shoulders in response.

"eh. how about you and jake?"

"we've been seeing each other in person more, and he's becoming more of a caller than a texter these days," she explains to which chaewon only responds with a hum of understanding.

"hyunjin and i are the kind who don't need to talk to each other everyday for our bond to be as strong as it is. when we're together, it's like he never left," the smile on chaewon's face awakens something in y/n: lovesickness. she pouts, but it's more of a pout of envy than jealousy, because she could never be jealous of her best friend.

"i wish i could relate," she groaned, turning to lay on her stomach as she receives a facetime call from jake. picking up the phone, she fights back a smile by biting the inside of her cheek. "hey, you!" her excitement comes out awkwardly, like a teenage girl trying to talk to her crush despite her heart and brain not cooperating normally like it had only seconds before.

"hey, y/n," he laughed, still not quite used to her shy demeanor on the phone. "you up to chill?" he asks, making y/n almost scream out a yes to him. but she couldn't, obviously. chaewon was over and she didn't want to kick her friend out just to hang out with a boy, especially knowing chaewon wouldn't do that to her.

"i would but my friend chae is hereㅡ"

"it's fine!" chaewon interrupts the girl, her head appearing behind y/n's in the tiny box as she waved to jake who responded with a nod. "i was just getting ready to head out soon," she walks closer, giving y/n a kiss on the cheek as y/n lowers the camera for privacy. "mwah. bye, i love you. let me know if the bloating goes down so i know whether to register you as my plus one for my next session."

"okay, okay. i love you too," y/n responds, chaewon leaving soon after. y/n finally moves her attention back to jake who was clearly eavesdropping the entire time with a cheeky smile on his face.

"bloating for what? are you on your period?" he asks, making her groan annoyed by his nosiness. "hey c'mon it's a natural thing, you can talk about it with me. plus, you know a period don't stop nothing but a sentence," he winks only making the girl groan more.

"you're gross," she gagged dramatically, making the boy burst out into a fit of laughter. "there's no way i'm having sex with you on my period," she added on, but he only laughed harder.

"why not? c'mon don't knock it till you try it! let's try it out today," he persists making her pout her lips as she thought about it. it could just be another thing she could cross off of her list of irrelevant things she did pertaining to sex.

"maybe, but i won't be getting my period for another week since i didn't come on it this week like the app said i would," she says, shrugging her shoulders. "huh. you didn't peg me to be the kind of guy who's into that stuff."

"oh, i'm not. but i think i'll be into anything that involves you, y/n."

"ugh, don't directly address me when you say things like that, you know how it gets me!"

"maybe i want you to get like that. how sexy is phone sex?"

"doesn't sound any better than real sex."

"maybe to you, i'm getting hard just listening to your voice."

"oh my god. goodnight, jake," y/n's eyes widened as she hung up, a small smile painting her lips.

waking up the next morning, and after immediately looking in the mirror, the bloating did not go down. a disappointed sigh left y/n's lips as she threw one of jake's sweatshirts over her tank top to cover the 'obvious' difference in her appearance as she made her way to campus, already dreading the day.

upon arrival, she met chaewon in their usual spots for their lecture, seeing the girl with coffee for the both of them. offering her friend a thankful smile, she took a sip of the coffee, eager for its bittersweetness to wake her up as it usually did. but her sip was quickly, and secretly spit back into the cup as an indescribable amount of disgust flooded her taste buds.

"jesus, who pissed in this coffee? it's disgusting," the girl asked, making her friend's eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. she'd known y/n's order by heart; it's been prepared by the same worker for months. y/n's never been dissatisfied with the taste of the coffee before.

"he's prepared it the same way he does every morning, so i'm confused," chaewon says, watching y/n try to give the coffee another chance by taking a longer sip, immediately gagging as she lets it drip back down into the cup again. now even the smell of it was unbearable. she pushes the coffee away all together.

"well it's shitty today, let's just get some more later," she responded, both girls shrugging it off as they listened to their professor's talking once again. y/n was tempted several times after the fact to drink the coffee, but she was too sickened by its taste and smell. she eventually got up and threw the whole cup away all together, hating the way her body was responding to it.

when lunch rolled around, it was safe to say they both had forgotten about the morning's coffee incident, and y/n was already more than excited to eat the lunch she had yet to order. though the summer sun hadn't gone yet, the heat was certainly making its way out. temperatures outside were fine, so the walk from their hall to the building holding the university's lunchroom went smoothly, however the air conditioning had murderous intent when they entered the building.

"god i hate this building," chaewon groans as she zips her jacket up, which worked to no avail as the fabric was nowhere near thick. y/n nodded in agreement as they both subconsciously agreed they'd eat quickly so they could just leave. getting into different lines, y/n walked over to the soup station, getting her favorite vegetable soup that always made the freezing AC temperatures more bearable. she fixes a smaller bowl than she usually would, already beginning her dieting journey to lose the weight she'd gained.

once she added her side dishes, she met chaewon at the table with the most sunlight shining through the big, wide open windows, eager to get the warmth that this building insisted heavily on denying.

"we should've just ordered takeout instead," y/n grumbled, sipping a spoonful of her soup juice as she closed her eyes, the steam from her soup fanning her face as a "thank you for choosing to eat me today." savoring the soup, as she usually did, she immediately cringed at the horrible taste that flooded her mouth. "my god, why is everything so shitty today? first the coffee, now this?" it was clear that her mood was plummeting from her sudden disdain towards the food she loved most. she pushed her tray away, saddened, making chaewon sigh with pity.

"do you just want some of my lasagna?" she knew y/n wouldn't want it, but she couldn't stand to see her best friend so upset about not being able to eat. it was a dumb question, because it was something y/n hated the most, but y/n nodded, pushing her tray over to the girl. chaewon is confused but gives her a reasonable amount to eat, not too much as it would go to waste if she didn't eat it, but not too little as to have her request for more in the event that it wasn't enough.

reluctantly, she takes her fork and digs into the lasagna, hating everything about it, but the smell seemed a lot more inviting that what it had been only months before, the time frame she first decided she hated the entree. taking a hesitant bite into it, her eyes shot wide open as she began chewing. it was delicious. and she didn't know why. she opted to eat more of it, quickly downing the food as she looked at chaewon, begging for more to which, of course, the girl obliged. she wasn't that hungry anyways.

days had gone by since y/n had found a new love for lasagna, she even branched out the different flavors they offered, becoming obsessed with the spinach-alfredo lasagna. they were two combinations she knew she'd usually hate being put together, but she couldn't stop eating them. and though chaewon never said it aloud, she was confused. so confused. especially confused when y/n had suddenly started gagging, on the verge of vomiting only minutes after she'd eaten so deliciously. but, she rushed to the bathroom with her friend, ready to assist her nonetheless.

it's was a sad thing for her, watching her friend look so sick and helpless over the toilet while her body kept forcing her food up, not even stopping after the fact that her stomach emptied, telling her she still needed to throw more up. when she finished, her whole body was shaking, and she was on the verge of tears from the burning she felt in her throat.

she insisted she was fine, her solution being to eat again to make up for the food lost, but after having several incidents of vomiting to the point of tears, all of them with chaewon being her personal witness, she couldn't quite convince the girl anything anymore, reluctantly having to agree to seeing the doctor and get to the bottom of it. but they weren't ready for any of the questions that the doctor would ask the poor, and naive, y/n.

"have you been sexually active in the last few months, miss l/n? more importantly, without protection?" doctor kim asks, taking both y/n and chaewon by surprise. she looks over to her friend, feeling uncomfortable by the question, but chaewon only gives her a sympathetic smile as she encourages her to answer the doctor.

"yes.. but i don't see why that matters?" y/n replies, essentially dismissing the doctor's question. there was no correlation between the two, she was just feeling a little under the weather. or maybe it was a result of her semi-depression from her weight gain? there were so many possibilities. "we think i may have a stomach bug," she adds on, making the doctor click his teeth in response. he sighs, adjusting his glasses as he looked past her, not wanting to cause conflict, but still needing to do his job.

"well, miss l/n, i'm not suggesting anything big, but since you have had unprotected sex, your symptoms are seeming to lean a lot toward-"

"i'm sorry ,doctor kim, but i don't need suggestions. i'm paying you to use your damn degree and use facts to get to the bottom of this, not suggest my symptoms have anything to do with the sex i have in my life," y/n spits out, grabbing chaewon's hand to lead her out the door.

"you go, i'll be a quick second," chaewon smiles at the agitated girl who only nodded as she stormed her way to the car. letting out the breath she'd been holding, she bowed apologetically to the doctor. "i'm sorry, doc. she's been really moody since she gained weight. she's usually the sweetest girl!"

"i see," he responds. "she may not be willing to right now, but i recommend coming back soon and getting an ultrasound to see if my thoughts may be correct," he says, getting ready to head out the room, since he no longer needed to be there, having other patients to tend to.

he'd already been long gone by then, but chaewon still responded to him. it was more for herself anyways. "i'll think about it."

looking in the mirror every morning became a habit for y/n. she absolutely hated the way she looked. she felt like she was in a body that wasn't her own, her mental health only worsening with each day she decides to stare in the mirror. she was lonely. she'd been skipping classes, telling chaewon she was just too lazy to go to, but doing that meant chaewon wouldn't be there to support her rapidly growing illness. and she couldn't just call jake, either. they argued too much and they both hated it, deciding that no contact was better than enduring the toxicity any longer.

but today, she couldn't endure not speaking to him any longer. she'd grown far more dependent on him, realizing her days of misery could only be made better by him. so, even though she knew that calling him most likely wouldn't end well, she hit the facetime button, watching with anticipation as she waited for him to pick up.

"y/n," his sigh of happiness only brought a smile to her face, and for a second everything felt better, even her stuffed nose seemed to clear for a second. her eyes watered, but she quickly blinked the forming tears away because no y/n you will NOT cry. "i missed you," he says, making her heart flutter as he frowned through the screen.

"i'm sorry," was all she could say, lumps forming in her throat. why did this have to make her so emotional? she'd never cried over something as simple as this before, it wasn't rare for jake to express his feelings for her in this way, but for whatever reason she decided that hearing all of this now meant and felt more than anything. "i missed you, too."

"how have you been?" he asks, making her lips form a thin line. she never did tell him of her illness, being scared that he'd stop coming over in fear of catching her symptoms.

"i've been bored, there's never anything to do these days, and i'm too lazy to go out."

"hm. then how about i come over and give you something to do?" his question was laced with suggestiveness, making her feel an uneasy amount of insecurity. she really wanted to have him come over, more than anything, but it just couldn't happen. not when she felt like this. and not when she looked like this either.

"i don't know, i'm pretty tired right now, too," she laughs nervously, making him sigh.

"please, y/n. it doesn't even have to be sex. i just want to be with you. i miss you," while it didn't seem like much to him to admit it, it meant the world to y/n. she felt like he really wanted her. and in a way, he did, so of course, she let her heart fall right into his arms. even though her doubts and insecurities begged her to say no, she refused to listen this time.

"okay," her heart was beating fast, unsureness running through her veins, but all of it was worth it. any ill feeling would be worth it if it meant she'd get to see his smileㅡ a smile that only existed because of her.

"say less," he giggled, hanging up the phone. she let out the breath she was holding, her senses awakening as she realized all of what she just agreed to. she looked at her outfit, too revealing for the way she was looking right now. "shorts are fine, but i need a bigger shirt," she spoke to no one but herself as she went to her closet to put on an oversized hoodie in hopes he wouldn't be able to see how "ugly" she'd become.

it didn't take long for him to arrive, engulfing her in his arms as soon as she opened the door. it was times like this that made her wonder, why would she even want to fight with him to begin with? she's head over heels in love with him; arguing with him only took away these moments from her. she couldn't stand it.

"pretty girl, you've lost your glow," he says after they pull away from their drawn out hug, grabbing her face, moving it around in his eyesight as he frowned. her eyes were accompanied with dark eye bags, her cheeks were puffy, and her skin seemed to have paled quite a bit since he'd last been over. she could only smile bitterly, that's what no sleep does to you, she thinks.

"it's because you haven't been here to shine on me," she laughed, taking his hand to walk to her bedroom where they both sat on her bed. he laughs along, happy upon the realization that they most likely wouldn't get into an argument since the majority of their arguments happened digitally.

"well we're together now, so that's all that matters," he says, making her smile. she nods, taking a second to look at him while he turns his attention to the tv, already browsing through netflix to put on a show or movie he thought they'd be able to enjoy. she didn't realize how fond she'd grown of him until now, but maybe she just forgets about it until moments like this come up for her to acknowledge them once again.

the universe was unfair to her, in more ways than one, but giving her this special relationship with jake made all of the hardships disappear. she liked jake. and even though she knew he didn't feel the same way, she liked that his actions made her feel like he did. and they shared a lot of intimate moments, so even if she didn't necessarily have the real label she wanted, there was nothing that could stop her from pretending.

maybe that's the thought that kept her going, allowing him to make himself at home in her heart more and more with each passing moment they shared. maybe that's what made her stop looking at other men the way she looked at him. maybe that's what accidentally brought her lips onto his, cupping his cheeks as her eyes closed in relief when he kissed her back. it was always heavenly to kiss jake, but this time it felt better than that. he kept her slow speed, not bothering to pull her on his lap, yet, as he was determined to savor this moment in fear of it never happening again. he moves his hand up to her cheek as she let hers fall down to her side, smiling into the kiss as he stroked her cheek lovingly.

it felt like an eternity, them staying like that. but, jake was never patient when it came to these things. and it wasn't far from how y/n was either, so naturally he attempted to escalate it, his body already anticipating how good they were going to make each other feel. but as soon as he attempted to slide his tongue in, y/n panicked, squeezing her eyes shut as she pulled away, face hot with embarrassment as she saw the confusion the boy had on his face.

"is everything okay?" he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder gently so as to not startle the girl more than he already seemed to. she averted eye contact, but nodded nonetheless. "did i do something wrong? did i make you uncomfortable-?" he asked further, thoughts spinning around his head as to why she'd pull back.

"no i'm sorry," cutting him off, her voice was low as she didn't really want him to hear her confessionㅡ afraid it would spiral into another argument given her contradicting actions. "i just.. dont want to have sex," all the thoughts and reasons he'd listed before flew out the window, his mind going quiet as did he.

"you're seeing someone else. is that it?"

"wha- no, jake! i just-"

"there's nothing else it could be," he says, making her frown. jake had been suspecting this for a while. he'd never had any problems with her whenever they called or facetimed, or even texted before. but for the past few weeks, that's all that's been happening. he'd somehow say the 'wrong' thing and she'd blow off on him, it would spiral into something worse, then they would just stop talking until one of them texts again. the last time he'd gone through that, his fling ended up leaving him and moving onto a serious relationship, something they swore they would never be able to doㅡ well, clearly not with him at least.

"jake, i swear it's not like that!" y/n's heart was beating out of her chest, she could feel his sadness even though everything he said was monotone. he was hurting over something that she wasn't even doing. and the way he already seemed so sure of it? it made her wonder how long he'd been feeling this way.

"then why do you keep leading me on and then backing out when you're the one who initiated it? are you seeing someone else, y/n?" his eyes were starting to gloss over, and she hated it. so, so much. she didn't know what to do. admitting the truth would only make him leave. her silence only further proved the point he convinced himself that he was making. adding fuel to the fire- "do i only tempt you enough to try but not go through with it? am i SO bad at fucking you that you have to go find someone else to do bette-"

"i'm not thin anymore, okay?!" she finally had the courage to cut him off, tears streaming down her face that had become hot from her frustrations caused by his baseless, but very, very hurtful accusations.

"what?"

"i've gotten fat. and-," she sighed, trying to regain her composure. "i want so badly to have sex with you, but i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll take off these baggy clothes and- you'll be disgusted by my body and leave me. i would never be so evil as to go out of my way to cheat and hurt you. this is only happening because i hate myself and my body for what it's becoming. i can't let you see me be like this."

"baby..." his voice is soft, contradicting the anger it projected only moments before. even though that one word was a great comfort to her, it only worsened her rainfall of tears as she allowed herself to break down in his arms. it was something he'd never understand. she was beautiful in his eyes, nothing would change that. "i don't care if you gain weight, or lose weight. hell, you could wake up bald and i would still find you to be the sexiest girl alive. don't you ever think otherwise."

she nodded, pulling away to look him in the eyes, her pout failing to disappear despite the fact that she was starting to feel a little bit better about it. he smiled at her bringing his lips to her forehead for a kiss, then to each individual cheeks, then finally to her lips in a kiss that was sweeter than the one shared beforeㅡ only she would let it escalate this time.

pulling back, she looked him lovingly in the eyes. they were shining the same way hers were as he pulled her back in for a hard, but not too hard, peck on the lips, more following after them as he wanted to bask in all the moment had to offer. her giggle only made him smile as he pecked her lips one last time before he went to shower each cheek with kisses as well. once he felt he'd spread the love there enough, he tilted her head to the side, trailing kisses over her neck, not any lower as his sweatshirt was in the way. moving back up, he kissed her ear before he whispered a low "take this off," while tugging on the sweatshirt that had now become a barrier between the two of them.

obeying his request, she lifted the fabric off, throwing it across the room as her body shivered from the temperature change on her bare arms. he laughed, latching his mouth back onto her neck, this time carefully sucking, leaving his own marks of love behind for her to be able to look back to if she were to question his love for her again. tugging the bottom of her shirt as she assisted him in lifting it off her head, the shirt being carelessly thrown somewhere across the room like the jacket.

he changed his position, kneeling with either knee on her side as he pushed her slightly to lay her down on the bed. he stared down at her body, scanning the beauty she was. it was then that she realized she had nothing to cover her top half, her stomach was on display for him to see and, despite his comforting words, she became embarrassed. not wanting to make it obvious that she was feeling insecure, she pulled him down to connect their lips together. letting their tongues dance with one another, he lets his hands travel down her sides, moving to spread her legs for him to grind his crotch against her, the sensations leaving them both gasping at how much they'd been neglecting their sexual needs with their petty arguments.

"fuck," she moaned into his mouth which only drove him crazy. god, words couldn't explain how much he loved those sounds she made. he pulled away, going to take off his shirt while she nearly drooled at the sight of it. everything about that man was perfect to her.

"fuck, y/n," he breathed out as he kept rolling his hips against hers, biting his lip to hold back the lewd sounds his body begged him to make. "how am i supposed to go slow when you're this sexy without trying?" his words made her tear up as she covered her face which was now hot with her shyness. the sight of it made his hips stutter, of course only she could bring him that close to climax without doing anything but being her.

he moved away from her, the warmth they shared being the first thing they missed as he pulled her shorts down, throwing it across the room as she leaned forward to pull his sweatpants down enough for him to scoot out of on his own. his cock sprung up, hitting his lower abdomen as she stared at it in all its glory: fully erect, reddened tip glistening with precum. just how she liked it. they both giggled at the fact that they both were intentionally not wearing underwear. "wanted to fuck me that bad, huh?" he smirked, leaning down to connect their lips in a kiss which she smiled in. when he pulled away she smirked back at him.

"i could say the same, baby."

he sucked in a breath, halfway opening his eyes as he began lightly stroking himself, making sure to make eye contact with her. "ah- y/n, you don't know what you do to me," he whimpered as she could only watch him with doe eyes. before he could get too comfortable stroking himself, and before she could get too comfortable watching the show, he rubbed his tip through her folds, then circled her clit (just to make her feel good) before he slowly inserted himself in.

she winced at the stretch, it really had been a while since they last had sex. he bit his lip as he pushed all the way in, unmoving. he moved his hand down, using his thumb to rub on her clit which resulted in her clenching around him. he slightly threw his head back, sighing in content at the feeling. "that's right. keep doing that," he says as he pulls out nearly all the way, only to slam himself back in completely before he decided on a pace. everything about their togetherness was just right. they knew exactly how to make each other feel good. that's what lovemaking to them was. they didn't need to be slow paced or have foreplay or perform oral before they fucked; the love showed in the way they could absorb every essence of each other's being. the way their energies combined and turned them into one.

his pace wasn't too slow, nor was it too fast. it was just enough for her to feel all of him, and it was enough to hit all the right spots, wherever she needed him most. the room was silent except for the small sounds of pleasure they both made, accompanied with the sex sounds their bodies created. he leaned forward, connecting their lips in a sweet kiss, cause everyone knows he couldn't get enough of kissing her. she returned the kiss, tears prickling in her eyes from how good everything was feeling. she loved this. she loved him. "i'm close, baby," he pulled back to announce, speeding his strokes up ever so slightly as he chased his high.

"me too," she announced, this time clenching around him more while her heartbeat only raced, each thrust bringing her closer. he rubbed circles around her clit faster as her moans started becoming more vocal, the pitch raising with each thrust until one thrust finally hit the spot. "ah, jake dont stop," she begged as he sped up to chase his own high. "dont pull out, it's okay! fuck i wanna feel it." he couldn't hold back any longer upon her words, thrusting one last time before he came to a complete stop, filling her with his seed.

"fuck," he breathed out, slowly lowering himself to be on top of her. he scooted so that she could be able to lay her head on his. it wasn't often that jake would stay cuddled up to her after they finished having sex, but he felt like he owed it to her for how shitty he had made her feel without knowing the full story. it wasn't often that he whispered sweet little nothings into her ear while stroking her hair, but tonight (despite their strict forbidden rule of affection) it felt needed. and he was willing to give her anything he felt like she needed. every action and choice he decided to make only further showed that he loved her, in a way.

even though he was sure he wasn't capable of feeling it anymore, this special relationship jake shared with her made all of his doubts about love disappear. he liked y/n. and even though it was something he'd never be able to express or accept it, he'd let his emotions be shown in the moment as they were. and, like most of everything that they did that didn't make sense, it always seemed to work out.

the sun shining through the blinds, accompanied with the unforgiving air conditioning that froze her skin, y/n yawned as she got up, rubbing her eyes. pulling the blanket up to cover her body, she looked next to her for jake, but he wasn't there. she knew that regardless of how affectionate he was last night that there'd be a chance he would still leave during the night, but it hurts to know that no matter what he'd say or do, he'd still be gone in the morning.

her tears start their early morning shift, brimming in her eyes as she pouted at the whole idea of him leaving her altogether. the tears turning into a rainfall of agony as she sobbed to her heart's content, only to be interrupted by her overwhelming need to puke. running to the bathroom she can't make it to the toilet, having to quickly choose between the floor or the sink, her brain choosing the latter of the two.

holding the edge of the sink, her head was bent over so as to not make too much of a mess. she let her first round of puke come up, feeling disgusted with herself for not being quicker. one she was finished she barely had time to recover as she took the chance to run to the toilet, finally being able to vomit there as she originally intended. it hurt and tasted like hell after she was finished, but that of course wouldn't be the end of her misfortune. upon hearing her alarm go off, she realized that she only had 15 minutes to get ready.

snoozing the alarm she immediately dialed chaewon's phone, screaming incoherent words as a weak attempt to ask for help. chaewon's eyes widened as her car's speaker blasted y/n's crying into her ears. "woah, woah, woah!" chaewon said, cutting the girl's screaming off. "talk in a way where i can understand you."

"i keep- i can't stop throwing up, i'm scared i wont be able to make it to school!" she cries out. "please chaewon, i know i ask for a lot but i need you right now," she begs the girl who was only two or three turns away from the university building. as the red light finally turned green, she sighed, making a turn that led her back on the path from where she'd originally traveled to come to school.

"i'm on my way," she lets y/n know, making her way to the nearest drugstore to make a quick purchase. y/n sighs of relief, her tear stained cheeks lifting slightly as she smiled at her friend's support through her hardships.

"thank you, chae," she says, holding onto her now empty and hurting stomach. "i'll make it up to you."

"you don't have to make anything up to me y/n. you need my help, so i'm giving it to you. just please take care of yourself until i get there, i have to make a quick stop, okay?" she says as she gets out of the car, her phone call disconnects from the car and back to her phone.

"okay," y/n sniffles as she begins coughing up a storm, gagging as she tried her best to hold down another load of vomit.

"okay, i'll hang up first. bye."

not waiting for a response, she ends the call and walks into the store. after a quick search, she immediately went over to the corner where the items lay bare for everyone to see. she picked up one of the pregnancy tests, ignoring the looks she felt on her. it was nobody's business anyways. when she went over to the register, older customers gave her judging looks, which she only smiled in return at. as soon as she got to the front, she smacked the box down, not bothering to get any other items as it would just add onto her time in the building.

"what are you hoping for?" the young cashier attempts to ask her kindly, but you can tell she was judging her too. if it had actually been chaewon in this situation where she'd need the pregnancy test for herself, she would have been passive back, but it's not her. so she didn't need to be letting it get in her head regardless of how stressful it was to be here.

"a girl," she puts on a fake smile and enthusiastic voice, praying the kid would hurry up and scan the item. once she was done doing that, she put the item in a plastic bag, quickly handing it to her.

"wishing you the best of luck as a mother!" she says to which chaewon could only nod at as she rushed out of the building and back into her car. now, chaewon wasn't the kind of citizen to speed. she knew it wasn't safe for anyone and honestly she hated it because it never felt nice to her body, especially when she was the one behind the wheels. but after the call with y/n, she had to because she knew how much y/n needed her there.

when she had let herself in using the key that y/n gifted her months ago, she ran quickly to see the girl's head hanging carelessly in the toilet as she barely moved. "y/n?" she asks, going over to her. y/n only hummed in response to assure the girl that she was still conscious. she wanted to talk, but everytime she tried to muster up words, that awfully familiar gagging overpowered her. and she didn't want to go through throwing up again, so she gave up, resorting to laying in her misery as there was nothing more she could do.

"gross, y/n," chewon says as she moves over to the sink where it was filled with her vomit, the scent making chaewon gag a little. she turns the sink water on, going under the sink to get some bleach out in hopes of it helping with washing it down. "you couldn't make it to the toilet in enough time?"

"no," y/n cries out, voice hoarse from all of it already as she gags more, another load of vomit forcing its way up as the scent of her throw up and bleach met her nose. chaewon yelps as she helps the girl throw up smoothly, holding her hair back until her body finally realizes she couldn't throw up anymore, though it was already too late by now.

the cleanup process went a lot smoother than they both expected. chaewon ordered y/n to get a sip of water to soothe her throat while she busied herself with cleaning the sink and the toilet since y/n was already so careful not to make a mess anywhere else. when both of them were finished, they laid on y/n's bed with chaewon stroking y/n's hair, the pregnancy test being the only thing on her mind. she was torn. she didn't know if she should bring it up to her, but it was the only thing on her mind since they first went to her doctor's appointment. she also was scared it would upset y/n. her emotions were unstable as of lately, and she didn't want to be on the receiving end of it, at least not now.

"y/n?" she finally speaks up after a few more minutes of internal conflict about it. y/n hummed in response. "you and jake don't use protection, right?" she asks, making y/n groan annoyed. "don't catch an attitude with me, just answer the question."

"we don't use protection, chaewon."

"okay then does he like, you know, pull out?" she asks further, making y/n stiffen up in embarrassment.

"yes."

"are you sure?"

"yes chae! god damn it," y/n says as she finally catches onto what chaewon was suggesting, blowing off the steam that was building up. it makes chaewon a bit more hesitant, but she has to do this for her; she didn't want y/n to keep living in denial if she didn't have to.

"y/n, i need you to think really hard about this. i get that you're frustrated, but i'm only asking because i want to help you... please. there has to be a time when you weren't sure if he did or not. or maybe he was a little too late to?" she is careful with her words, but they still manage to break y/n's walls down as she bursts into tears upon remembering the one important night she had so carelessly forgotten.

"there was- uh one night," she says. "i don't remember if he'd pulled out soon enough because we were both too tired to be safe about it."

"do you remember when?"

"i think it was sometime last month, but i don't really remember. all I know is that i texted you to hang out the day after because the sleep i got was so good. god chae, i don't even want to think that this could be a possibility," y/n was exasperated. she didn't want to be pregnant. anything but that. but chaewon just kept pushing the idea in her head, making her terrified that it'd be an actual possibility.

"i know, love, but i'm asking this for your own good. now, i have something for you, but you can't freak out okay?" she says as she lifts the girl's head off of her stomach, leaning into her bag to pull out the box she'd purchased.

"okay," y/n says as she looks over to chaewon's busy hands as she puts the box behind her back. "can i see?"

"okay, breathing under control?" chaewon asks. y/n nods. "and don't. freak. out. it's going to be okay," she adds on. y/n nods again as she breathes steadily, her eyes closing as she gathers her senses together without anticipating what chaewon could give her. "keep your eyes closed and just grab the box i'm about to put in your hands.

following her instructions, she gripped onto the box as soon as she felt it in her hands. opening her eyes, she couldn't help but tear up at the sight of it. she knew that her friend would give it to her eventually, but now? she wasn't ready. her grip on the box tightened as she shook her head.

"it's okay, y/n. calm down. breathe, then get up and go take the test," chaewon said, lifting the girl up as another form of encouragement. "no matter what the test says, i'm here with my undying support for you. fighting girl!"

"fighting," y/n sniffles as she goes into the bathroom, leaving an emotional chaewon behind. she sighs, laying down again to stare at the ceiling, her own tears starting to form. it hurt. all of it. from having y/n taking her frustrations out on the girl, down to each tear that spilled from y/n's eyes as she realized her life could truly be changing. she hated seeing her best friend cry, especially knowing that she didn't deserve any of that heartache. it felt selfish to sit and cry about it as if she were the one in y/n's place, but she couldn't help it.

taking a shaky breath, she exhaled in an attempt to calm herself down. she needed to be rational. if this is hard for me, then it must be hell for y/n. she quickly wipes her tears as y/n screams and falls to the bathroom floor, only a few minutes after waiting for the results. chaewon ran into the bathroom, shocked by the solemn scene in front of her. y/n, with shaky hands, held up the test to the girl's face. it was an unmistakable "YES+" on the stick. with widened eyes, chaewon pulled the sobbing girl into a hug. y/n was actually pregnant. and with jake's child at that.

"i don't want it!" she cries out as chaewon nods, quickly removing one arm from her as she began looking up clinics for an abortion.

"okay, i found some clinics," the girl says. "we can set up an appointment when you're all calmed down, okay?"

"okay."

"now let's get you to bed; you look terrible," she helped y/n clean herself up, brushing her tasseled hair into a low ponytail, washing and moisturizing her dry face, putting her pregnancy test into a bag just in case. by the time they were finished, the atmosphere had calmed down and everything seemed okay now that y/n came to terms with her conditions. she was just glad that this would all be over soon.

when the two girls finally got settled down, they decided tonight it'd be best if y/n wasn't left alone. cuddling while watching bojack horseman, talking didn't seem all that important now that y/n had a warm embrace that wouldn't leave her in the middle of the night. she nuzzles her head into chaewon's neck with a yawn. "thank you for taking care of me, chae. i love you." it catches chaewon by surprise, but she just silently smiles, deciding not to say anything since y/n was audibly snoring by now. looking down at her best friend's sleeping figure, she pauses the show and prays to god that y/n, and everything, will be okay.

august 31st. today was the day y/n's life would change forever. she wondered why nobody told her that the drive to the clinic would be so gut wrenching. when she arrives, she signs in for her appointment and sits down to wait. she got a good look around the building. there were many people here, some accompanied by lovers, others with parents, while there was the noticeable few who were alone like she was. the air wasn't as thick as she'd anticipated, but she learned from chaewon that not everyone who went to these buildings were there for abortions. a big part of her was jealous of that because oh how nice would it have been to have been able to find comfort in such a heavy decision. but the other part was thankful; she wouldn't wish this dreadful feeling on her worst enemy, and yet here she was, feeling it to its fullest extent.

chaewon sadly couldn't make it. well, y/n wouldn't allow her to, begging her not to miss any more days. it was a difficult thing to convince her, since she knew chaewon could switch to online school like she temporarily opted to do for a more flexible schedule during her pregnancy until she could put an end to it and go back to her regular classes. she'd already caused chaewon to miss so much, she'd feel guilty if she'd done it again, even if right now all she could do was wish she let herself be selfish one last time because all she wanted was to be comforted by the only person who could possibly understand her problems without judgment. she sighed, sinking down into her seat as she watched the muted television on the screen, praying her turn would come soon so she could get out of this place.

"y/n l/n?" a sweet nurse's voice called out as she looked around the waiting area. y/n's eyes widened as they were met with the nurse's who beckoned her over. her heart was beating fast as she walked behind the lady who was escorting to one of the clinic rooms where she would soon be met with the doctor who would be performing the abortion. being left alone in the room was either one of the best case scenarios right now, or possibly the worst. she could be alone for a second to calm down, or she could potentially break down before the doctor could even speak a word to her. deciding she's already cried enough tears this month, she opted to taking a deep breath to remind herself that this was her decision to make, and this was what she wanted.

"good evening, miss l/n, i'm doctor kim," a voice spoke as it entered the door. y/n turned her head slightly to the woman. she was around her mid-forties, but something about her reminded her of her mother, her aura was comforting in that sense. "i assume you're here to get an abortion performed?"

"yes, doctor," y/n responds, lowering her head since she'd suddenly become afraid to make eye contact with the woman upon the mention of the specific procedure that was soon to be performed.

"oh, miss l/n," the doctor pouted, making y/n look up at her. "before we start, i'm legally obligated to tell you the process before we perform it," the doctor explained as she placed her gloves on with a slight smacking sound. y/n nodded, then the process explanation began. as the words spilled out of doctor kim's mouth, y/n couldn't help but feel sick to her stomach. her brain started zoning out everything the doctor was saying, the only phrase she could hear in her head was her brain telling her to get out. all she could think to herself was i don't wanna do this anymore. what felt like hours, but was only around ten minutes later, the doctor finally brought her attention back with a clap.

"so?" she asks. "are you ready?" offering a comforting smile that made y/n feel anything but. she could hear her heart beating inside her chest, her breathing suddenly drowning out all the noise around her. suddenly everything felt all too much yet nothing at all. she stayed still, trying her best to process her emotions, to state her peace, or to just right out leave.

"i need to use the restroom," she squeaked out, tears brimming in her eyes as she avoided any form of eye contact with the older lady in front of her. doctor kim senses the mood shift and sighs. this was an often occurrence, so she could only understand where the girl was coming from.

"look, kid. abortion isn't for everyone," she says placing her hand on her shoulder. "you're young so you think it's the only option for you, but it isn't. there are lots of good young mothers. you can do this. i don't want you to make a decision you'll end up regretting for the rest of your life. i can see you care about your baby. give them a chance at life, give yourself this chance in life."

y/n frowns, her lips quivering as the building tears spill from her eyes. "i'm sorry," she says, burying her head inside her hands. "i'm so sorry," she apologizes, unsure what she's really sorry for, she just felt like this was all she could say.

"don't be sorry, miss l/n," doctor kim responds, helping the girl to get off her feet, taking her over to the sink to help her get herself together again. "you know, you can always come back again. we give free ultrasounds, i'm sure you'd love to see your little angel growing."

”i'll try my best," she responds as soon as the tears subside. they bid their farewells and just like that, y/n was on her way back home. and, though she felt a huge burden had been lifted off of her shoulder, she was devastated. she had to tell jake.. and that was the biggest burden of it all. exhaustion was the first thing to hit her once she arrived back inside, she was so exhausted that she almost didn't take her shoes off at the doorㅡ almost. she goes to lay down, flopping on her bed to stare at the ceiling. it was weird. this has been the first time she didn't feel the need or want to cry. instead, her brain was doing its best to think logically despite not knowing exactly what to do.

she knows one thing for sure, though: she has to call jake immediately to have him come over to break the news to him, but the problem was that she was scared. she knew without a doubt that jake adored her, but he didn't love her. they were fuck buddies, not lovers, so in terms of what she could expect from him, there was nothing. she was at a complete blank, her only way of finding out would be to put herself in the position to do so. and though she hated the idea of having to do it, it wasn't just some decision she could just back out of. so, she picks up her phone, her hand shaking as she clicks the button to dial his number. the phone rang a few times before his sweet voice sung into her ear. "hello?" he asks, making her fears start to pile up. what exactly was she supposed to say to him?

"can you come over?" she asks, her voice tinier than the sureness she was feeling. "please, like hurry up. i'm sorry for everything, i can't be on the phone too long, just hurry up." upon hearing that, jake's heart broke into pieces. he could barely process what was happening, all he knew was that he was rushing out the door and into his car as he sped to her house. after she ended the call, she released the breath she was holding, getting up to look at herself in the full body mirror. she lifted her tank top up, rubbing her 2 months pregnant belly as a river of relief washed over her. there was something so comforting about the "weight gain" now. and she decided that, no matter what, she was going to keep it. in the midst of admiring her changing body, she jumps upon hearing jake's banging on the door.

he was anxious, thinking the worst upon her sudden call that lacked context, but he didn't want to assume the worst as he was still feeling guilty about what happened last time he'd said his unspoken insecurities aloud. with her heart beating fast, she opens the door and silently lets him in. stay calm, y/n. she keeps reminding herself in her mind as she knew that was the best way to get through this challenge. she ushers for him to sit on the bed, quietly taking a seat next to him but with great distance as she was still fearful. he notices this, so when they finally make eye contact she could see the insecurities blooming through. and it broke her. "i'm so sorry," she bawls out, throwing herself onto him. her tears dont catch him by much surprise, but it doesn't stop him from feeling the emotional toll from them. he is sad, but he accepts the pitiful embrace. she's really done it, he cries to himself, the tears landing on top of her head.

he doesn't even want to ask who, why, or even why he couldn't just be enough for her. he just wants to lie and pretend it's all okay so that she'll stay with him, even if he'll regret it. "i'm so sorry," she apologizes for the hundredth time, to which he once again responds with his verbal forgiveness. she hated it. she hated being a coward in that sense. she hated not being able to tell him of her pregnancy, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. "please don't leave me tonight," she begs as she was scared to wake up without him again because there was no certainty that he'd ever come back. he gulps in an attempt to swallow the lump forming in his throat. it doesn't work. "okay," he responds, not sure of what else he could possibly say to her. how can you comfort someone when you're in need of comfort, too? "i mean it, jake, i can't stand waking up without you, at least not now," y/n admits and it hurts jake. "promise me you'll be here when i wake."

"i promise," he says, determined to fulfill whatever need she asked from him in hopes of her continued loyalty to him. "i'll stay forever if i need toㅡ if you need me to," he says as if his honesty wasn't convincing enough. she knows he doesn't mean it in the way she needs him to, but she still lets his words comfort those unheard doubts that are plaguing her mind. she eventually pulls away, looking him in the eyes as she offers a bitter smile. she brings her thumbs up to wipe his tears away. "there's nobody else, jake," she says, seemingly being able to reassure him without him having to say a word. he sighs, and smiles back at her, choosing not to question the real issue she wanted to bring up to him. if it hurt her that much, he would wait longer to find out. but, to him, nothing could be worse to him than her finding a new man. so he'd be ready to accept and forgive anything else that she felt would burden him.

"let's just sleep," he says, laying down. she nods, moving so that he could lay on her chest. her heart was racing; she could never get used to the feeling he gave her. he smiled at the rate it was going. all of that was for him. oh, if only he knew that all those unspoken feelings were mutual. maybe then things would be easier for the two of them. but, as of right now, they would both continue to suffer in this lovesick state.

it was easy to fall asleep with him like that, and it was even easier to wake up with him in her arms. the sun was shining on them, the AC's temperature was just right for the two of them who had forgotten to get under the blanket, and the air was calm. it was a state of being that she didn't want to leave, but she had no knowledge of his work schedule, so she needed him to be up. she kisses the top of his head shyly. he scrunches his nose while she continues doing it until he moves enough for her to understand that he, too, was awake. "good morning," his voice was groggy as he was still not fully awake. she doesn't respond, letting him get up to freshen up. he walks into the bathroom, sitting on the toilet to go about his business. once he finishes, he flushes and goes to look at himself in the mirror.

his hair was disheveled and his eyes were puffy, but he felt like a million bucks as he smiled at his reflection. "nobody else, huh?" he giggles, smile widening as he applied the soap on his hands to wash them. once he finished washing them, he began drying them off on the towel as he started wondering what she had to tell him last night.

when he goes back out, he finds y/n in the kitchen grabbing some frozen breakfast burritos out of the freezer, the meal that had become one of her recent food obsessions. "baby?" he calls to get her attention, failing to see the smile she cracked as her back was turned to her. she only hums in response as she continues to plate two burritos for herself. "i'm not gonna push you to tell me anything, but i just want you to know that whatever it is that's burdening you, it's something we can get through together. there's nothing that can possibly drive me away from you. i'm ready to listen whenever you're ready to tell me."

her moves falter a bit, but she regains her composure and continues preparing her breakfast. once the microwave beeped, she met him at the table, opting to eat as a way to get her thoughts together, his words ringing through her head as she did so. when she was finished chewing her first few bites, she cleared her throat. "i'm pregnant," her voice held no emotion, so little that you wouldn't be able to tell her nervousness had it not been for her hands shaking as she held the fork midair.

"i-" he paused, not knowing exactly what to say. he was in shock. and, from the looks on her face, he knew that it couldn't be a pregnancy scare because it looked like this has been weighing her down for a while. he knew his reaction to this information would be contrary to his previous words, but he didn't expect it to be this serious. "are you sure it's mine?" he asks, breaking her heart. a huge part of him could believe she was pregnant; everything was starting to make sense from her weight gain to her overly emotional state, all the way down to her eating habitsㅡ he knew she absolutely hated burritos.

"there's nobody else, jake," her voice cracked as she offered him a small smile, the corners of her lips barely lifting as she did so. oh how comforting those words were to hear last night, but now they struck him in the worst ways possible. she looked at him, his expression unreadable as he stared directly through her each time she'd lift her eyes to check his gaze. the cat was already out of the bag, so what's the harm in emptying the mess it left behind? "and i... i want to keep it." he didn't know what to say. he didn't know what to do. and he didn't want to hurt her, but what about himself? he isn't a bad guy. it takes two to get knocked up but-

"i'm not ready to be a father," his words came out quietly, scared that hearing it himself would make the guilt he felt feel worse. and it did. the look on her face when she finally looked him in the eyes, if her glow was already dull, he'd taken it away. the words already did their damage, now he has to stay true to them. he got up from the table, hands shaky as he pushed the chair in without a word and he offers her an apologetic bow as if that could take everything back. "i'm sorry y/n." he didn't know what he expected. who would forgive a deadbeat anyways. she didn't say a word, opting to keep her head down in shame. she stayed that way, not even bothering to move even after she heard the door close behind him, announcing his genuine departure from the home.

y/n wasn't nearly as sad as she thought she'd be. chaewon was right, it would hurtㅡ and for a long time it did. "but once you feel okay, even for a second, everything will be okay," she told y/n. and that's what it was, after 2 months of tears, her brain shifted its focus from the pain of his absence to the changes her body was making. she noticed the small bump in which the baby was forming became more noticeable in her shirts. deciding to embrace this, she stopped wearing baggy clothes. and chaewon never failed to remind her how beautiful she looked whenever they'd go out. she noticed she started to gain weight, but it didn't make her upset.

instead of looking in the mirror with disgust, like she had done before she found out about her pregnancy, she spent her lonely nights smiling in the mirror as she rubbed her tummy. her earlier pregnancy symptoms started to lessen, and her eagerness to visit the doctors increased as she was always excited to look at her ultrasound. she no longer dealt with nausea, being able to feed both herself and the baby without fear of regurgitation, but she soon found that her stamina had also begun to change. she spent most of her off days homebound, as moving around too much could easily take her breath away.

"alright, ms.l/n," the doctor says, spreading the ultrasound gel onto y/n's tummy, the coolness giving her chills as its temperature mixed with the cold air that the air conditioner blew. "let's see how this little rascal is coming along, shall we?" doctor kim asks, moving the transducer around as real time images of the fetus started coming onto the screen. y/n tilts her head backwards to look at the screen, smiling at it.

"aww, it's got its thumb in its mouth," she cooed, putting on a happy pout to chaewon who was indulging in the screen as well. taking her eyes off of it, she signaled the doctor's attention while y/n stayed in a daze, watching her baby as it minded its business in her tummy. "are we going to be able to tell it's gender soon?" chaewon asks, making the doctor nod in response. "how long will that be?" she adds on, making the doctor think about how far along y/n was by now.

"we should be able to tell in the next week or so, from what i'm seeing, if its a male, its genitals haven't developed yet, so we'll have to wait to see if any more developments, in that sense, occur," doctor kim says, moving the transducer more around the head area. "we'll have to develop the photos before you leave, miss l/n."

"oh, please, doctor!" y/n exclaims excitedly as she continued to watch the screen. "oh my room is gonna be filled with framed pictures of these!" she claps, making the other two girls in the room smile at her joy. it was a huge change in attitude from what they'd seen just five months before. clapping her hands together, doctor kim begins to clean up the gel and transducer, putting the items away as she begins the printing process for the ultrasound pictures.

once chaewon and y/n left, they decided to go to the store to get more groceries. "i want fruit roll ups," y/n said as she looked at the aisle signs, searching for the one that displayed where the snacks were. once she spotted it, she dragged chaewon, who was holding the cart, directly to the aisle. chaewon could only giggle at her friend with the roll of her eyes. "we gotta get some healthy snacks too, love. how about some nature valley bars?"

"i don't know..." y/n responded. "i just want something sweet and chewy right now, but i could go for some dorito chips right now if you want me to eat something crunchy," she says, mouth watering at the idea of it. "nope. nope, nope, nope, nope," chaewon says, grabbing y/n's hand while she used the other one to steer out of the unhealthy aisle that they'd already stepped foot in. "we're not feeding your baby that junk, let's just stick to fruits, okay?"

y/n grumbles a complaint under her breath, but she complies as they go to the produce aisle. "let's get chocolate syrup, too. for the strawberries," she begged, which chaewon mindlessly nodded to at this point, being too busy putting boxes of berries into the cart. "then go get 'em," she says, shooing the unoccupied girl. y/n nodded as she walked over to the isle where it'd be held. she hummed a nameless tune as she looked around for the brand she wanted. picking up two different bottles, she pouted in thought, turning her head back and forth from them.

hearing a groan out of nowhere, with a familiar base in the voice, she scrunches her eyebrows and turns to where it came from. her heartbeat picked up as a distracted and frustrated jake came into her view, only around 5 feet away from her. just then, she felt a sting in her stomach. "fuck," she cursed to herself. the baby was kicking. she, with shaky hands, quickly threw one of the chocolate bottles back onto the shelf as she waddled away as quickly as possible. it had been so long since she felt the rush jake gave her. she was no longer mad at him because of what he did to her, but she was still pissed off at what he didn't and wouldn't do for their baby. "were you kicking me because you couldn't kick daddy?" she cooed rubbing her stomach as she saw chaewon rolling over to her.

"what about the baby's daddy?" chaewon asked as they began walking side by side. y/n snarled. he really doesn't deserve to be called that. she thought. but she quickly returned to her normal friendly gaze as soon as she met chaewon's eyes. "we, well i saw jaeyun in the syrup aisle, and the baby started kicking me. i think he did it because he couldn't kick him."

"he?"

"huh? oh yeah. i've got a feeling he's a boy, my girl wouldn't use me as her punching bag," she joked as she rubbed where the baby was adamant on kicking about. chaewon smiled at the sight, moving the girl's hand to replace it with her own. it almost brought her to tears as they got into the shortest line. after they'd finished paying and packing the groceries up, they were on their way back to y/n's home.

chaewon shared side glances at the girl while she sang along happily to the tunes that were blasting on the radio. she was starting to realize just how real this was and how far y/n had gotten over the course of this half year. "you're gonna be an amazing mother, you know that?" she says catching y/n by surprise as she stops mid lyric. the radio's volume didn't change, but the world went silent and everything seemed to come to a complete pause as y/n's lips trembled into a small smile, eyes watering as she did so.

in the past six months of her developing pregnancy, she was never told this. of course chaewon has always praised her for her strength, and her parents had offered support though they were disappointed, nobody has ever told her that she'd be a good mother. and, though it's something most mothers would look over, it meant the world to her because she felt like she would be anything but. she didn't realize how long she'd been crying until she no longer felt the car moving as chaewon pat her on the back in a comforting manner. "shh, it's okay. it's okay.. i promise you will be," she says, making the girl's tears pour faster.

"thank you so much," she cried out, allowing her body to milk the tears as she regulated her breathing. "i don't know why that made me cry so much, i think it's been something i've been needing to hear for a long time, you know?" she admitted, sniffling a bit. chaewon nodded, but didn't speak. she realized y/n probably wanted to say more. and she was right. "it's just.. without jake, i didn't think i could do it. i was so ashamed that he didn't want us, i thought that i would end up not wanting the baby, too. but i kept it because i knew that it deserved a chance. and i've been doubtful about my abilities as a mother, thinking i'm not good enough. but hearing that made all of this worth it, i have to be a good mother to it."

"i know, baby," chaewon said, kissing the top of her head. "now let's get you home, okay?" y/n nodded as chaewon restarted the car and finished their journey back to y/n's place. after unpacking the groceries, they spent the rest of that night cuddling while watching a movie on netflix.

walking into the store alone, y/n talked to chaewon, who was resting, through one bluetooth headphone in her ear. "do you really think it was a good idea to leave the gender a surprise?" she asks as she pushes the cart aimlessly around the maternity area in target. "mhm.. yeah. no yeah, you're right. well, anyways i'm just at target right now, about to buy some new jeans cause these mom ones are getting too tight... i know! it's ironic. well, i'm not gonna hold you up, you should finish working. okay, bye bye. love you, too." once the call ends, she goes to pick up some jeans. as soon as she finished picking out a pair or two, she rolled her way into the snacking aisle. a part of her was relieved that her stomach wasn't too big for her to be able to push the cart, she enjoyed being alone lately, even though she knew it wouldn't last very long as she only had 14 more weeks to go, and things would only get more difficult then.

picking up two boxes of granola bars, she hummed quietly as her head turned back and forth between the two items. she wondered which one to buy, they were both a personal favorite to her, but she wasn't looking to spend hundreds again, she still hadn't bought a bulk of the baby clothes yet since she didn't exactly know what to buy other than an excessive amount of zoo themed oneㅡ because there's nothing more gender neutral for babies than animal themed clothing. it had only been a mere seconds that she'd been so lost in her decision that she didn't even notice that particular set of eyes that were set on her, guilt building up and rushing through his veins as he stood there frozen in his spot.

jake was carrying a handheld basket. he figured he'd only needed to come to pick up some protein bars and energy drinks, he didn't need a cart. well, now he was regretting it as his grip faltered on the basket making it fall down onto the floor, items flying anywhere they pleased. luckily the boxes only slid a few feet in front of him. however, the protein shake rolled into forbidden territory, that forbidden territory being the area where she stood. his eyes widened and his head lowered as she turned her attention to the protein shake, then to him. he did his best to stall picking up the boxes as he did what he could to avoid looking at her. his hands shook as her shoes appeared in his vision.

"you dropped this, sir," she says. she had a smile on her face, the most beautiful one that he would have been crushed to see drop as soon as they made eye contact, but it did. "oh," was all she could say as he got up, gripping his basket harder as they made eye contact for the first time in a little over half a year. "oh," he responds, his eyes flickering to her stomach. a sudden punch of grief and regret hit him directly in his heart as it seemed to clench with pain. he averted his eyes and looked back into hers, but, again, he wished he hadn't. the tears were already brimming. "oh, oh. no, please don't cry. i'm sorry. please don't cry, please."

"i'm sorry. i'm just so happy to see you," her frown worsened as she squeezes her eyes shut, sobs escaping through her closed mouth while her body only shook as her arms stayed glued to her side. "shit, y/n. don't say that, please," he didn't know what to do. his eyes watered as he hesitated before pulling her in his embrace, the basket long forgotten as it fell back to the floor with a thud. he thought a hug would help, but it just hurt the both of them more. he was warm, exactly like she remembered. she wanted to be closer, to feel more of him but her stomach only allowed him to hold her so much. he felt her belly pressed against his, and it was foreign because it's nothing like the last time he held her and it was just a painful reminder of why he felt so shitty to begin with. "i'm sorry," he says, pulling back all too soon for the both of their liking. "we should leave, i don't want you crying in a target."

he grabs her hand, gently dragging her along as they walked out of the building. "i don't have a car, i ubered here," she says as she tries to keep up with his quickened steps. he nods in acknowledgement, not turning his head to her as he was too scared to look at her again. "i know, baby. we're gonna go in mine." now she was kinda glad he didn't look back at her, because her face had contorted into both a smile and a frown. she was still his baby after all this time, even if he didn't deserve it. once they reached the said vehicle, he opened the door for her, helping her get in as she couldn't climb in as swiftly as she used to due to the big changes in her body. it was kinda cute, the way she needed his help. it made him reminisce the moments that could've been. the times they could've had together if he didn't panic. brushing his thoughts aside, he got in on the driver's side as he began making his way to her place.

after they'd gotten in the house, he had the pleasure of seeing the changes made. in the kitchen, there was a green high chair with leaves scattered on it. when they walked into the living room, there was a fluffed carpet with the abc's accompanied with pictures of animals corresponding to the beginning letter. they walked into her bedroom whose walls were littered with pictures of every ultrasound, the growth of the child becoming more apparent as it continued. everything has changed. and jake wasn't here to experience any of it. he wasn't there to help her through any of it. and he felt so terrible for it.

"wow," was all he could say as he stared at the ultrasounds. she'd long been sitting on the bed, watching him. she had always wondered how she would feel when seeing him again. she wondered how he'd look physically, how he'd look at her, anything. she wondered if she would be angry. she promised herself she'd be angry, that she would lash out at him and spew all the hatred that had manifested these past seven months. but she wasn't angry. and she didn't lash out because.. she didn't want to. she was so happy to see him. and to see how he still cared for her, it healed the wounds that he had left behindㅡ most of them anyways. the room grew terribly quiet as the atmosphere began to suffocate them, engulfing them in the gloom that jake emitted into the air. he let out a shaky breath, his shoulders heaving up and down as his sobs only seemed to elevate in volume.

y/n's eyes widened as she used her step stool to get down from the bed and walk over to him, wrapping her arms around whatever her body could allow her to. he was crying. every single emotion he had pushed down was starting to tear its way through his eyes, lungs, and mouth as he buried his face inside his hands. tears, snots, and spit pooled in the palm of his hands but he didn't care. he wanted to allow himself to feel. but he felt so guilty. he didn't deserve to be comforted by her. cause god knows who was there to comfort her. "i'm sorry. fuck i'm so sorry y/n. i never wanted to leave you. i was just so scared. i was already scared to ruin our relationship. and then you told me and i freaked out. i changed my mind as soon as i walked out but i was so scared to come back because that would be so shitty, but i thought about you every single day. i want to be in the baby's life. i want to be in your life. i'll do anything to fix things. i can't keep living like this. you deserve to be taken care of, both of you. and i want to be the one to care for you."

his words touched every inch of her body, from the top of her head to way beyond her toes. she didn't even realize she was crying until it suddenly became harder to breathe in her nose, the airways being blocked by a sudden stuffiness. she let go of him, going to wipe her own tears off as he wiped his hands off. "y/n? are you okay?" he asked as she finally looked into his reddened eyes. "i waited so long for you to say those words to me. i'm so overwhelmed and happy, jaeyun. please don't leave me again," she begged, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. he didn't even get to respond as he felt her lips graze his. their tears slipped through their lips as the kiss continued. he cupped her face, bringing her impossibly closer as he tried not to apply too much pressure to her stomach. the two of them walked over to the bed, he helped her get up onto the bed where they would lay for the rest of the day.

"when does your lease end?" jake asks y/n as he pours himself a bowl of cereal. she shrugs, taking a bite out of her burrito. she tries her best to think about the date she'd need to renew it. "some time at the end of this month, why?"

"i want you to move in with me," he says, making her choke on her food. she coughs up the remaining pieces out of her throat as she drinks water to calm down the new burning sensation. "well, my lease ends in two weeks. i've been saving up money so we can have enough for a down payment on a better apartment. what do you think about that?" he asks, sitting across from her. she was frozen, chewing her new bite from the burrito more than it needed to be. this was all so sudden. sure, she had wanted this for a long time, but she didn't think it would happen even in her wildest dreams. it just all felt so unreal. "am i overwhelming you?" he sighed.

"no," she said after swallowing the food. "i'm just- i don't know. i just.. think there's levels to this and this is skipping a lot of them," she says. he purses his lips and thinks about it for a second before nodding in agreement. "you're right. but i think it should be fine because it's what i would've done anyways. this is making up for lost time. i have to step up as a father, and this is what fathers are supposed to do," he says. "look," pulling out his phone, he opens safari and slides his phone over to her. she looks at the screen. it was an apartment with a lovely view of the city. "only a 15 minute drive from the university and it's close to a lot of the businesses in the area. i could get it now, or we can go and do a tour and-”

"you'd really want to move in with me?" she asked, looking up from the phone. he tilted his head to the side at her. insecurities were apparent, making him realize she was still wary of the whole situation. understandably, he smiles at her with his eyes and nods his head. "of course, baby. we're making a family together. i think living together makes more sense," her posture relaxes as she smiles slightly. a family, huh? she looks through the pictures more: 3 beds, 2 baths. would he want to make more with her? there's so many 2 bedroom apartments in the same area, why not choose those? she wanted to ask him, but everything was happening too soon. and she didn't even tell chaewon that she allowed the boy back into her life yet. "i think it's fine," she says, sliding the phone back over to him. "this is good. i have no idea how i could possibly fit all of everything that i wanted to give the baby into this small apartment anyways."

"okay, then. you can say hello to our new home," he exclaims as he puts his phone in his pocket. "i gotta get to work soon, so i'll be off before your last class ends. i'll pick you up then?" he finishes off the rest of his cereal, sliding the bowl, with its sugary milk, over to her.

"oh," y/n says as she looks down at the gesture, taking the spoon out as she silently sips on the liquid before talking again as if she were embarrassed to continue her sentence. "i actually am doing the online learning course, i figured it'd give me more time to tend to the baby." even with the small laugh she let out, it was evident that she wasn't happy like, the gesture was meant to be. jake nods his head as he gets up.

"then i'll come back with some dinner, let me know what you're craving before 8:30," he says, checking his pockets for his keys. while walking out of the kitchen, he takes one last glance at her before letting out a breath and leaving. y/n stays there for a while as she lets the silence engulf her. there were always so many things to think about when she was alone these days, but today the one thing on her mind was chaewon and what exactly she was going to tell chaewon.

a big part of her wasn't ready to talk about jake yet as she wasn't completely sure if she was dreaming or not, but the other part knew better than to doubt anything that happened to her anymore. and it knew she would have to tell chaewon one way or another. even if she didn't owe it to her, she felt like she deserved to know because she was there for her every step of the way. having jake would take this burden off of her shoulders, but y/n was immensely afraid that chaewon would be disappointed in her. how weak was she as a mother to take back the same man who turned his back on their child? very weak. but she wanted nothing more than for her child to be brought up in a warm and loving family with both of its parents because she believed that jake and she would be good ones, regardless of his initial response when he learned of the pregnancy.

"okay," y/n says as she finally gets up. "clean up first, tell chaewon after," she grabs the plates bowl, and utensils from the table as she walked over to the sink. one by one, she rinses the dishes off, one time, two times, three times before she opens the dishwasher to put them inside. she wanted to manually wash, but it would be putting too much pressure on the front of her stomach from having to reach over the sink for that long, so she reluctantly used the machine. after she finished that, she got the broom and began sweeping the floor. being too lazy to mop, she resorted to sweeping the living up as she did what she could to slow time down. but doing chores wasn't easy with her stamina, so after around 20 minutes of stalling, she decided to plop down on the couch and text her friend.

upon receiving y/n's message chaewon raises an eyebrow, but types out a reply nonetheless. she figured it was something important or something that was bothering because usually y/n would call. as she made her way to the car, she let her unspoken anxiousness run rampant through her mind about what could possibly be bothering her friend. while y/n stared at chaewon's notification, all that could be heard in the silent living room was the tapping of y/n's foot. she clicked her phone off, taking a deep breath as she waited for a few minutes.

telling chaewon about the situation proved to be easier than y/n's doubts had originally convinced her it would be. of course, chaewon's expressions showed hesitance for the whole ordeal, but at the end of the day she knew it wasn't her choice to make. and even though she wanted to beg her not to let him come back so easily, she offered her hand in support. and jake proved to be thankful; the day they all decided to meet up at y/n and jake's new shared apartment for some final touches, he conveyed his gratitude to chaewon. he thanked her for everything in the book that he could think of, especially for taking care of her in place of him and for staying by her side through it all.

"you know," jake said to chaewon as they looked at y/n's sleeping figure on the bed. she'd gotten tired after her day of fun with them. she'd just knocked out mid laughter, resulting in her innocent slumber while the other two conversed. "it's times like this where i wish i stayed. most guys, when they find out their girl is pregnant, just run off and marry her before the bump even starts showing, but me? i ran off like a deadbeat and hid in my bedroom scared. i should've been a man and stepped up to be a father sooner. you know, i saw her again, like- pregnant at a target. just shopping alone. i know how people think out here, i saw how people were looking at her before i came to her side. i can't imagine how much she had to endure before then. i feel so guilty. like i don't deserve to be here."

chaewon listened intently to his words, seeing the way he teared up over it. she hesitantly reached out to hold her hand on top of his, that action alone feeling like betrayal as he stiffened upon her touch, but she only wanted to comfort him. she swallowed before she spoke. "it's too late to change the past, you're here now."

"yeah. i suppose you're right," he removes his hand from hers as he nods and she didn't know why it upset her as much as it did. clearing her throat, she got up from the bed. "i should go now, right? it's late and i have class tomorrow," she smiles softly patting her pants to smoothen them. jake nods and gets up as well as he says "i'll walk you to the door."

"oh! that's not necessary," chaewon shakes her head, but he insists as he follows her to the door.

"i have to lock you out, so either way i have to come out here," he says, making her mentally face palm at herself. she'd read too much into the situation of course. it was silent as she walked out the door, turning around with her hands clasped together. jake raises an eyebrow silently. "hm?"

"her due date is coming soon. i'm going to step down from being her main support from now on. i want to prioritize my life now, so please fulfill that empty spot for me," she says, walking away before he could muster up a reply.

y/n's screams of pain filled the room as the doctors did everything in their power to talk her through the birth. her grip on jake's hand was painful, but he endured it because she was probably feeling worse than he was.

"that's it, ms.l/n, we can see the baby's head poking through now, just keep pushing, keep breathing," doctor kim says, but nothing registers to y/n as she keeps her eyes squeezed shut, tears flowing down her face as she sobs out.

"chaewon!! chaewon-ah, it hurts s-so bad," she brings her free hand to cover her eyes, wiping what she could. jake stays silent, only offering her a chaste kiss on top of her head, then on one of her tear stained cheeks. he couldn't be upset in a moment like this. right now, all he wanted to do was comfort her until this passed through.

"almost there and .... it's a boy!" hearing her son's cries fill the air was the first thing to bring her back to life. her soul felt like it was floating outside of her body until that point, but hearing the first sounds he's been able to make since leaving her womb, pulled her all the way back in. and feeling him in her arms for the first time made all of the pain and hardships she faced worth it. "jaemin," she whispered to the baby boy, whose cries seemed to subside once he felt his mother's touch. "you'll take the 'jae' from your father," jake's ears perked up as soon as he heard it. "look jaeyun," she turned to him with a smile. he looked down to see their baby, sleepily cooing while they both looked at him with nothing but adoration in their eyes.

"he's beautiful," was all jake could think to say. and it was true, jaemin was beautiful. even though he was covered in gunk and y/n's blood, he was beautiful. doctor kim watched silently for a few minutes before she felt it was alright to take jaemin away to wash him up.

"don't worry, i will bring him back to you after you all get your deserved rest, it was a long 15 hours, but you did it!"

"mhm, i sure did do it," y/n said, her eyes fluttering while she tried her best to stay awake during her tired state. after the doctor left with jaemin, jake wasn't sure of what to do. he scratched the back of his neck, sitting down in a chair while y/n closed her eyes. the room was a comfortable silence at that point, y/n's small breaths bringing the calm to a maximum. "jake?" she whispered, not thinking to speak louder through her drowsiness as jake looked up from his phone over to her. "yeah?"

"can you please sleep with me?"

his heart raced as he looked at her.

"yeah."

"that's a good boy, that's a good boy," jake tickled jaemin's stomach as the 4 month old baby boy cooed, using his small hands in an attempt to grab at his father's.

"he's not a dog jake," chaewon giggled as she watched the two boys. she sat on the couch next to y/n who was lying down, her back facing the group.

"hey, babies can be good boys too," jake argued in his baby voice, his attention still being on the baby he was rocking slightly in his arms

"that's fair," chaewon agreed, rubbing her stomach upon its sudden growling. "you guys hungry?" she asked, opening up her phone to ubereats.

"eh, i could eat," by now jake had gotten bored of standing up, instead he sat down with jaemin whose head was now being held up by the crease in jake's elbow while he sat at a respectable distance from chaewon.

"me too," chaewon says as she scrolls through the tabs on the app, being pulled in by all the food options that it offered. she hummed and slightly turned her head over to y/n who only remained silent, eyes focused on the closed curtains of their living room window. "how about you, y/n?"

letting her eyes focus on multiple spots of the room in front of her, it almost felt like she was searching her surroundings for an answer. but there was none. "i'm not hungry," she finally chose to respond before it was too obvious that she was still avoiding speaking.

"aw c'mon since when are you not hungry? you should be taking advantage of being able to eat whatever you want now that jaemin's outside of your body!" chaewon says, lightly nudging her friend's body, though the girl still didn't respond.

"well..." jake's voice suddenly piped into the conversation. "she's breastfeeding, so she still has to be cautious of the nutrients and junk she gets. can't have our baby being unhealthy, now can we?"

now it was jake's turn to be nudged. "aw c'mon, he'll be fine with a little tacos in his baby system! i'll order some now, matter of fact," chaewon said as she typed in 'tacos' in the app's search bar.

"alright, but none of that taco bell, we need the organics."

"well you're not gonna find that in korea.."

"fair enough," jake says as he gets up from his seat on the couch. "let's just go get some. y/n needs some alone time with jaemin anyways, we've basically stolen him away from her. isn't that right, baby?" he says, booping the boy's nose. he walks over to y/n, gently moving her shoulder in a way that would lay her on her back. she closed her eyes, not wanting to look at him as he placed jaemin on her, a heavy feeling forming in her stomach. he pouts, sympathizing with her tiredness as he places a kiss on both her and jaemin's head. "we'll be back," he says as he and chaewon quietly head out.

she only opens her eyes after she hears the door shut and lock. looking down, she sees jaemin fighting sleep as he is so at peace with her warmth, and it's only then that she's brought back to reality. the guilty feeling she would always get once she would hold him would come back again and she begins to ask herself why she was feeling the way she was.

carefully, she maneuvers herself so that she can hold him properly in her arms with a sigh. "god damn it, jaemin. why am i like this? i don't hate you, i know i don't. but why does it feel like this sometimes?" his lack of understanding towards her words makes her feel a little better, he dribbles and gives her a gummy as she kisses the top of his head. "i'm sorry, baby. i don't like feeling like i can only love you when it's just the two of us alone. this isn't how a mother should feel. you deserve better than me." closing her eyes, she slightly sways her body to become a human rocking chair to soothe him more than her warmth could do on its own.

"can you believe it's only been four months since he's been born?" although jaemin was nearing half a year of being with them now, jake already loved the boy enough to be able to talk about him nonstop for hours on end. he even went back to work early just to be able to brag about how healthy and strong his son would turn out to be. there'd even be nights where he and y/n would sleep with jaemin, and she'd wake up to see him have his back facing her, while jaemin would be carefully cuddled up to him on the other side. it was no secret that he loved his baby so much at times it'd be suffocating, for y/n at least. even when their parents came over to visit, they'd joke and say he must have been the one to give birth to jaemin instead of y/n.

even now, as the couple lay in bed, it felt awkward for jake not to have jaemin with them. it had been a mutual decision of theirs to have him sleep in his crib as sleeping in between two very active sleepers could potentially be dangerous. even now as they both faced each other, faces being dimly lit by their tv, his mind seemed to stay focused on the baby who was asleep in the next room as the smile on his face never faltered. y/n looked into his eyes, smiling back. she felt at ease being able to be so close with him without having to worry about keeping distance between their bodies for the sake of jaemin. it was refreshing. but she thought it'd be better if he would shift his focus to her, even if it was just for tonight. after these four long months of neglect, it's the least he could do for her.

yet, somehow his conversation regarding the boy never seemed to end. so, taking matters into her own hands, he put a finger to his lips, giggling as he finally grew silent. "you have work in the morning. sleep," she says, and he nods, the smile on his face staying the same.

"i must be keeping you awake huh?"

y/n hummed in response, using her thumbs to gently caress his face as he melted into her touch. "okay, then let's sleep," he said, gently removing himself from her hold so that he was laying on his back as sleep seemed to come over him quickly. she guessed it was easier to tire when it came to her. she turned her back to face him as she reminisced the days he would stay up and talk to her. she so naively thought that moving in together would bring them closer; it wouldn't be surprising if she woke up to an empty spot in the bed when she'd wake up later.

"i'm happy you're here, but you shouldn't have switched to online classes just to be able to see me everyday," y/n said as she changed jaemin's diaper, the boy kicking his chubby feet at her in protest to the cold baby wipe she swiped on his bum as she attempted to rid him of his potty mess.

"oh please," chaewon says as she waves a ringing teddy bear in front of the baby's face to offer a distraction for y/n to finish more smoothly. "going in person was only fun because you were there, plus i love that i have more time to see my best friend and my beautiful nephew!"

"he is beautiful, isn't he?" she said as she put the boy in his diaper, his hiss of fits finally coming to an end as she rocked him back and forth in her arms. "he looks so much like his daddy, too."

"well, i see the both of you in him," chaewon says, laying on her shoulder with a content sigh. "it's so crazy how much he's matured since he came back. i honestly held a grudge against him, but now i think you caught the stars with him. he's an amazing father," chaewon finishes, raising an eyebrow when she hears a small sigh coming from her friend. "what's wrong?"

y/n's complaint is simple. when chaewon asks her, she admits, "he's a good father, and he takes such good care of jaemin, of course, but i just wish he'd take care of me too, you know? he used to have real life feelings for me, now it just feels like i'm nothing more than a mother to him, now that he's a father." she prayed to god that she didn't sound jealous of her own baby. how pathetic that would be of her.

"baby... i'm sure this is just a first time parent thing. he's excited about the baby you guys made. i would be too, i mean, look at him! he's adorable," her eyes scan the baby's features, smiling softly at the sight before her. "don't forget what you feel for him too, though, okay? you love jaemin that much too, right?" it was something y/n never thought about. deep down she knew she had to love jaemin. she knew somewhere inside her heart that she adored him, and there were even times where she wanted to spend every waking moment with him, but she wasn't happy. or at least not in the way she thought she would be.

when she was first pregnant with jaemin, all she could ever think about was how badly she wanted to hold him. how badly she wanted to meet him and love him the way she knew best, but nothing she ever did with him felt like the magic she wanted. if anything, she was pretty miserable all the time. all the responsibility was pushed onto her, nobody else dealt with his crying, nobody else fed him, changed his diaper, anything. everyone got the luxuries of being around him while she did all the work.

she hated it, but that's what she was supposed to do, isn't it? she was supposed to care for her child while jake went to work to make sure they all got fed & taken care of. she couldn't possibly expect chaewon to pitch in, it wasn't her child. but she felt lonely, and even though it hurt her physically, mentally, emotionally, she couldn't just stop taking care of the boy. he was her responsibility. no matter what she did.

and she tried so hard to not direct those malice feelings towards him, but there's a big part in her brain that blames him. chaewon notices the silence and it tells her everything she knows. "a lot of things can happen to your emotions postpartum, y/n. there is help that you can get to get you through this. don't be mad at yourself for feeling sad, it's normal."

"yeah... i'm sorry. i just don't know how to cope with this stuff." chaewon shakes her head fondly and pulls the girl into a side hug, patting her back gently until she lets go again.

"don't be. i'll look into getting you help, but for now i'll look for temporary remedies." she smiles and kisses her cheek affectionately, pulling away once more before walking out of the room. "get some rest. we can talk more later, okay?"

y/n nods silently and watches her walk out of the room, deciding to put the baby to sleep in his room before she goes into her own to do the same.

chaewon's temporary remedy was one of the best gifts y/n could have ever wished for. it took some days, but she convinced jake to take y/n out on a proper date. after 4 months of solely focusing on raising the baby, the two of them are finally getting some alone time together. and y/n could not be any happier. he scheduled a shorter work day so they could go out sooner, and she spent the whole day getting ready. she had lost half of the baby weight, and due to the practices she followed to recover from the birth, her body looked almost the same as it had pre-pregnancy. she did her makeup as best as she could, threw on a matching velvet two-piece, and she even deep cleaned the house so it would look and smell good when he would arrive home.

when he came home, he barely had time to hug her and admire the way she looked as her hands were both already occupied. one hand held jaemin's sleepover bag, while the other held the sleepy baby in his car seat. raising his eyebrow, she only offered him a smile. "i'm ready whenever you are," she said, but he only laughed.

"i have to get ready too," he said, walking into the direction of the bedroom to do just that. the home was silent apart from the shower sounds as she sat on the couch. jaemin was in his cradle playing with the mobile that hung above his head. she didn't know exactly how much more patient she could be. now that she knew what the night had in store for her, she couldn't stop thinking about it; that made the wait so much more difficult to endure.

it felt like hours before jake came out of their room. his jet black hair was parted in the middle, partially slicked back on one side while his outfit consisted of a silk maroon button up with silk black pants and black loafers. her eyes couldn't help but widen as she looked at him. yep. they needed to leave fast. in the blink of an eye, she was carrying both jaemin and his bag, following closely behind jake as they walked to the car.

the drive was quiet as jaemin had fallen asleep in the back. jake's focus was on the road, while y/n's eyes were on him. after they dropped jaemin off at chaewon's place the plan was to go out to eat, but as they approached the highway that would lead to where the closest restaurants were, y/n started feeling a heavy feeling in her stomach.

"um, jake?" she says, lightly putting her hand on his shoulder. he turns his head slightly to glance at her before turning his attention back to the road. "how hungry are you? like hungry hungry, or just 'eh, i guess i could eat' kinda hungry?" she asks, making him cock and eyebrow.

"the second i guess, why? are you not hungry?" he asks, finally being able to turn to her when they hit a red light. she nods without saying anything. "not gonna lie, i went through hell getting that reservation. eating just a little won't hurt, right?"

"i'm sorry but my stomach hurts really bad..."

"y/n," jake says, pulling over to the side of the road so he could look at her while they spoke. "do you just not want to eat?" she doesn't speak back this time. he sighs, rubbing his temples as his other hand grips on the wheel. "fine. we don't have to go, i'm not doing this with you tonight," he says, his tone void of anything, but she could tell he was annoyed. he turns the car back on and pulls back onto the road, looking for the nearest place to turn around. this time, the quietness of the ride was uncomfortable. she didn't want to be in it, but she was afraid to speak; she wouldn't know what to say anyways.

instead of taking the route that would lead them home, he takes a turn that would lead to where they had come from: chaewon's house to which y/n begs him not to. "why are we going to chaewon's house?" she asks.

"we're picking jaem up?" he says like it's the most obvious answer.

"please no!" her voice was desperate, more desperate than he needed to hear. "it's just- i don't know when we'll ever get time like this again. i don't want to lose out. please."

"okay."

he takes a left, starting the journey to go their way home. his speed is faster than normal. she notices and doesn't like it, but she does her best to ignore it since she was getting what she wanted in the end. when they walked into their shared home, she was glad she cleaned up nicely because the atmosphere felt calmer than it would have been if the house was still a baby mess.

y/n thought she'd feel better, but her mood only worsens when she realizes jake still is upset. he goes over to the couch, flopping backwards onto it as he rested his head on the head of it. he unbuttons the first few buttons of his shirt with a sigh. she walks over to him with extreme caution, sitting next to him.

"are you alright?"

he just shrugs, mumbling under his breath, "this was pointless, if we were just gonna come back home." she purses her lips, biting back a frown.

"not completely pointless! it's nice to get a break from being a parent once in a while."

"for who?" he responds, "i have no problem being a parent, do you?" he turns to her, a look in his eyes daring her to say something. and it should make her intimidated, but for some reason it only blows her off the edge she was already doing her best to stay balanced on.

"would i be such a villain to say i do?!" she finally screams at him, the sudden change in volume catching him by surprise. "jesus christ, jake. i just don't get what's so special about him." her words spew a hatred she didn't know she could have at her own child and it angers jake more than any angry words could possibly explain.

"him? HIM?!? you mean our child?!?!"

y/n dodges the question as tears start to flow down her face. he looks at her in disbelief as he gets up from where he's sitting to walk away to create some space between them, but she only follows behind him, her built up frustrations finally clawing their way out her throat as she spoke. "all you care about is him; you're becoming nothing more than a dad, now and it's so. fucking. miserable!"

"well what the fuck do you want me to do, y/n?" he slams his fist against the wall, making her flinch. a split second of humanity was able to hit him again as he pinched his temples, a deep sigh being exhaled. "i'm not going back to being a deadbeat. i'm not going back to feeling burdened by my own decision. he's my son. our son."

"yes, jake. believe me. i know he's yours," she pauses, the lump forming an unbearable pain in her throat as she opens her mouth to speak again. "but am i?" she wanted to be strong. in all the scenarios where she had imagined she would be able to express her feelings, she was sure she'd be strong. it wasn't a phrase she had intentionally practiced for the hundreds of what-ifs her brain conjured, but it was the only sentence that could convey the hurt she had been feeling in her heart.

she cleared her throat, deciding not to let the silence last a second more. "aren't i supposed to be loved, too? don't i matter, too?" her attempt to keep her composure crumbled as she broke out into sobs. she knew it was supposed to hurt, but did it have to hurt this bad? she'd endured this feeling of unbelonging for such a long time, the least her heart could do was make it hurt less.

"y/n-" she hears him interrupt himself with a sigh as he walks towards her, pulling her into an embrace and resting his head on hers. he didn't know how to comfort her. there wasn't an easy way to put into words everything he felt for her, especially since it all came with emotions he didn't fully understand. "you matter so much to me. so fucking much, y/n. more than i can ever explain." he wrapped his arms around her tighter and she returned his affection, burying her head in his shoulder.

"please promise me that you mean it. please promise you won't forget about me " her voice wavered as she spoke, and he noticed how badly she was shaking. he wanted so badly to tell her how he felt, but he didn't know where he stood. they were never together. even if they both loved each other, it was never expressed because their situation didn't allow them to in the past. now things had changed, and he didn't know how they were gonna handle it.

"i promise." he whispered, hoping it would be enough.

she pulled away, wiping the tears from her face as she looked up at him. he gently smiled down at her, placing his hand on the side of her cheek, brushing her hair back from her face. she leans forward, wrapping her arms around him as she looked him in the eye. he smiled down at her, heart beating faster as he swallowed all his fears to express himself. "i love you, y/n, i'm sorry for pulling away instead of accepting it." the words caught her off guard, this was the first time he'd ever said such a thing to her. and it was better than she could've ever imagined.

tears spilled from her eyes as her lip quivered, she nodded understanding before pulling him into a kiss. she didn't know how long it'd been since they last kissed and it lasted only a second before she pulled away. "i love you too jake."

in an instant, his lips were back on hers, only pulling away long enough for him to look her in the eyes with a smirk as he asked "oh, do you?" their kiss grew sloppy as he lightly wrapped his hand around her neck, guiding her to the couch as he maneuvers himself so that he's sitting first. he pulls her on his lap, hands making their way to her waist as she grinded her hips against his growing erection, letting her tongue slip through his lips as he began sucking on it. he moved his hands up, fumbling with the zipper on her top before zipping it down fully. once he'd done that, she slipped out of it, her breasts falling down with a bounce before he latched his lips onto one of them, sucking slightly before releasing it with a loud pop.

there was no need to rush this time, they had the house all to themselves. their kiss lasted what felt like hours, only the sound of lips smacking and clothes rubbing against each other could be heard. jake pulls back for air, moving to unbutton his shirt. she only watches him intently wondering how he could make a simple action so, so sensual. he notices her stares and he likes it. his dick twitches and he realizes that, though the kissing and grinding is amazing, he wanted more. so much more.

"you gonna put those pretty lips to use or are we just gonna play around all night?" he asks making her eyes widen in excitement as she moves off of his lap to lay on the couch, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants before pulling them down to his mid thigh as she immediately latched her lips around the tip of his cock.

he sucks in a breath as she swirls her tongue around it, scooting down in his spot as he relaxed under her touch. "yeah, just like that," he praises as he pushes her head down so she can take in all of his length, fucking deeply into her mouth, not allowing her to come up even when she tapped on his thigh, gagging around him. "mmm, that's right." he finally let her come up to breathe, moving his hand to notify her that he wanted her to take control. she used the spit around his cock to her advantage as she let her mouth sink down until she felt his tip hit the back of her throat, doing her best to keep bobbing her head that way.

he hums and pats her butt, lifting her hip slightly to tell her to lift it more into the air. he does his best to pull her skirt off, letting her wiggle her way out of it, standing on her knees as he moves her panties to the side as he dipped his fingers into her wetness, adding two fingers. he sped up his thrusts, adding another finger as she kept going, teasingly stopping every time she would moan to the point of being inaudible. her legs started to shake as she resorted to only sucking the tip as she couldn't suck him any better with the way she couldn't stop moaning.

"get up and ride me," he tells her. she quickly obeys and inserts him inside of her, hopping up and down as she does her best to ride him, though her speed is slow. he smacks her ass, squeezing it harshly before spreading her cheeks apart. "good girl.. do you like making daddy feel good?" he asks as he grabs her chin and pulls her in for a kiss, this time letting it turn french. she moans into it, the lengths of his cock hitting her g-spot without fail every time she'd drop down. it made her speed and movement falter forcing him to grab her by her ass, lifting her body higher as he begins fucking into her, leaving her an absolute mess as she entangles her fingers into his hair breaking the kiss to moan in her ear.

"you feel so fucking good around me, but now's not the time to be a pillow princess," he again still praises as she tries to meet his thrusts. she has to take her hands out of his hair as she grips her nails into his shoulder, unable to fully process the pleasure her body was taking in. with the way her pussy clenched around him partnered with the pain from her fingernails digging into his skin, he couldn't help but be vocal about it. "you just wanna get pregnant again huh? you want me to fuck my seed into you again? you want me to reclaim this pussy? huh? you like that?"

squeezing her eyes shut, y/n just couldn't hold back anymore as she falls apart on top of him her first orgasm taking over all her senses, legs trembling from the feeling as she starts babbling between moans. he laughs as she rests her head on his shoulder, words still not forming correctly. "spit it out," he says as he slows his thrusts down ever so slightly so she could speak. she didn't know what came over her as she moaned out again, another orgasm hitting her as she came undone once again. she looks at him with a fucked out expression and says "faster."

his dick twitches as he complies, pounding deeper into her, feeling cocky, and only speeding up as he speaks praises into her ear. "you're so good to me, fuck y/n. you're gonna have to deal with me forever.. i'm not letting anyone even dream of having a chance with you. you're mine, all mine you understand?" she nods. "keep letting me fuck you like this and you're gonna be my wife sooner."

hearing this makes her moan louder as she smashes her lips on his, he keeps his speed, sometimes thrusting all the way in, staying there for a second too long for her liking, just to drive her crazy as she comes undone another time, finally making him start reaching his own pleasure limit. he doesn't change his speed or actions as he finally buries himself deep inside of her as he filled her with his hot seed. "you're mine," he says as she falls limp on top of him in exhaustion. she smiles and for the first time in months, she felt all the weight lifted off of her shoulders.

"all yours."

end.

#enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen x female reader #enhypen x reader #enhypen x you #enhypen smut #kpop smut #jake x reader #jake x fem reader #enhypen jake #enhypen jake smut #jake smut #jake scenarios #jake angst #jake imagines #enhypen angst

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abbythewritor · 5 months

Text

"Fairness" One Piece x Saitama reader twelve.

"Just a Normal girl looking for an everyday life. At least, if you call sailing across the seas with idiots with useless dreams a simple task, then you might wanna see a doctor. Seriously."

Warnings: Blood, gore, mentions of Luekimia, and heaps amount of blood and strength. It might be a little cursing, but not bad, and maybe some flirting in there, but it's mostly clean.

Other things:

-You didn't get bald due to your powers; you got bald to an extreme illness.

-You part of the straw hat crew, but others are interested in you and your power.

-Everyone that is a male is taller than you.

-Monsters from the OPM world will appear in One Piece, and I'll make some new monsters you will fight.

Enjoy the twelfth chapter everyone!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man, it's been a while.

Last time we left off, I accepted to join Luffy's crew, and for the past two years, as a captain, he ordered everyone to grow strong, for two years straight.

Including me.

Yep, that's right, he trained his Haki with Rayleigh, and I trained my haki and strength with the Marine hero, Garp.

It's been interesting, as he didn't go as hard as he did with Luffy when he was a kid, but I still worked just as hard.

Every single morning, I start with a prestige workout.

10-kilometer run.

Upper body strength.

Core strength.

Lower body strength.

weight training.

Inner peace activities, Yoga, Stretching, and Balancing.

Then Garp worked on my strategy mindset, along with different defense techniques, attacks, and mind movements with chess, and other Japanese-like games that I wasn't familiar with.

He also taught me different Haki tequniques from himself, and stuff he learned from fighting Roger, who was the last king of the pirates.

At first, I was confused on why he would train a person who would become a pirate, then I realised he knew how important I was to Luffy, and wanted to make me storng so when he comes across me again, he won't hold back his strength, which I wouldn't blame him.

But, things aside, Garp also worked on combat training with me against Koby, who I formed some sort of bond with over the past two years.

The blonde didn't like me because I was a pirate, but I grew on him once the two years were coming to an end.

But, all of the harsh training and sparing, making new friends with some Marines, and people, the two years will soon come to an end, when Tomorrow I meet up with Luffy, and meet my new crew members.

It was a start of a new journey, and Journey of fun, excitement and Adventure, which was something I've been longing for forever.

Oh, and your probably wondering, what about Crocodile, buggy, and the ones who helped me and Luffy at Marineford? Well, let's say I was writing them all letters, and knew that Ivankov was training one of my crewmembers I've yet to meet yet.

All of them are doing quite well, Mister Three Joined buggies crew, while Mister One was working beside Crocodile, as they are trying to rise the ranks, to become something differemt which makes me proud.

Jimbei hasn't written back at all, which is understandable as he is a busy fishman all the time, but it makes me curious on how he is doing.

Luffy has seemed to be doing well, as he wrote back to me all rayleigh has taught him, all the jokes and fun things the two did these past two years, which made me excited to see him more and more.

Ace, however, did some training of his own, which is understandable from the Marineford incident, but he never really told me who trained him.

Either way, I'm glad he's living a fair life right now, as Pop's death is put behind everyone who fought in that war two years ago.

He told me he was doing quite well, finding hobbies to keep him busy, as well as rebuilding the Whitebeard Pirates into something more, which makes me glad his life is taking a turn for the better.

With many thoughts running through my mind, the sunset of this day was showing onto the sea, myself sitting on a grassy hill as the trees and the flowers danced with the sea brease.

You look a little different as well, grown up, as you were still Y/B/T, (Your body type.) but you looked stronger, happier, and more intelegent.

Wigs, the ones you used to wear, you got everything that could cover your bald head out of your life, as you learned that being bald, doesn't mean anything different about a person. You learned hwo to embrace yourself, and your bald head, as it is a symbol of beauty, and it shows a symbol of piece to people, just like Saitama did with his bald head-well, kind of.

As i continued to watch the beauty of the sunset in front of me, I felt a familiar presence behind, as Koby sat in the spot next to me. "It's quite beautiful isn't it?" I nod. "Yeah, I'm sure going ot miss doing this everynight....these past two years have been...." He chuckled. "Hard?" I shook my head with a smile. "No-well, yes, but I've never had to much fun in my entire life....learning new skills, eating different kinds of food that's not from my world, even making new friends." I nudge Koby, as he chuckled. "Never expected this when I was first recruited. Training with a girl who will become apart of a pirate crew who's run by Garps Grandson. Especially a girl from a different world. I say, when a mad man tells me that, I'd think their crazy, but a girl like you, with powers like yours, explaining everything that had happened, how can I not belive it?" I smile more.

"Your lucky I didn't turn on you, 'Admrial.'" He snorted. "Future, Admiral, well, that's still the plan anyway. It just makes me think how far both of us came, and it makes me wonder more how far Luffy proceeded, and how strong he became, guess you'll find out tomorrow, huh?" Sighing, I looked back at the sunset. "Yeah..." Many thoughts ran through my head, as I was quite nervous with meeting his crew, as koby could sense my uneasyness, as his head tilted. "Are you alright, Y/n? You seem to be thinking a lot lately..." I let out another sigh. "Let me ask you a question, before you joined the marines, where you ever nervous?" Koby was silent from my question for a moment, before he ssmiled. "Of course I was, all my life I was scared, but, once Garp trained me, and i've became stronger and knew what being a marine was like overall, all my nerves went away. I knew what my purpose was, to achiev the Marine Admiral title, and I know I can let my nerves get away from my goals." His words struck you in the heart, as you smiled again, your eyes then looking to the ground.

"I see...well, I guess I shouldn't be nervous then huh?" Koby chuckled. "Don't get me wrong, it's ok to be nervous when your entering a new chapter in life, but, trust me when I tell you this, the straw-hat pirates will be the nicest people you ever meet, because I know them too." My eyes widened slightly. "Ah, that's right, you told me you've encountered them a few times." He nodded. "Yes I have, and they are strong too, but now that two years have gone by, I'm curious too see how thye have grown, and how they will think of your strength, I have faith Y/n you'll fit right in, because Luffy asked you to be apart of his crew for a reason." Sighing, Koby was right, as my smily grew a lot more. Luffy didn't just ask me because I was desperate, or on the verge of death, he saw potential in me, he saw my strength physically and mentally, and he sought of it as a perfect fit. Plus he saw my loyalty to him, which a captian needs a loyal crew member in order to survive these treturous seas. "The boys right." Both of us looked to Garp, who held his usual smile, as a cookie was in his hands. Koby's eyes widened with the sight, as he got up. "Sir, are you sure your supposed to be have that?! The doctor said-“

“Bah! Screw what the doctor says; I’m grown up and can have anything I want! Besides, I earned this for training you idiots!” Garp interrupted, laughing while taking a bite of his well-deserved cookie. “Sir, with all due respect, sweets are nice to have oonce in a while, but with how old you are, having too much sugar is not the greatest idea-“ Koby got bonked “I CAN EAT THIS COOKIE IF I WANT TO IS THAT CLEAR?!” “Y-Yer sir!” Giggling from the usual antics, Garp sighed and took the final bite of his cookie while looking at me. “Nerves can be a great obstacle when sailing the seas, but trust me on this: my grandson can take your nerves away in an instant; besides all the training we did, all the battle strategies and studies I’ve shown you both, I have full faith you both will make it in this pirate world. Just remember the important tactics in the future when I’ll be chasing you down, and pray that your God will help you throuth. HAHAHAHA!”

His words made my eyes rolled. "I can achieve anything through Christ who strengthens me, so don't be surprised when I don't hold back." My smirk made him laugh more as he patted my back. "That's the spirit kid! Even if you are a pirate or a marine, a strong will and heart will always be a good power when facing tough opponents; just remember not to gloat about the positive attributes since you always have your crew on your side to back you up. Who am I kidding? I'm a marine, not a pirate. HAHAHAH!" Koby sighed. "I think you had enough cookies.." he took to bag, and Garp paused before slumping, and I giggled more. "Thank you guys…I know I'm going to be ok. I've worked hard for this; now it's time to start a new chapter in my life… I will never be more blessed to be alive right now." Turning to the two, I gave them a huge smile. "Thank you both for the best two years of my life; when we meet again, we won't consider friends or family; we'll be rivals with benefits." Koby nodded, smiling at me. "Right!" Garp put a finger to his chin. "Rivals with Benefits huh? I've never heard that before, but consider me a family Rival. Y/n, keep Luffy in check because he will need much help to get through the seas. Especially now that Ace is saved, just don't do anything reckless, alright? Don't wanna drop you off tomorrow, and something went wrong."

I nodded this time. “Of course, Sir. I’ll do my best.” Garp crossed his arms. “Now, you must know a few things when we arrive tomorrow. One, I will give you a 5-minute head start before sending my marines after you. I will give you coordinates to where Luffy’s ship would be, as Rayleigh told me. Find the ship, don’t get caught, and meet your new crew mates, understand?” I nodded again as he continued. “There will be a high chance the Kuma army will be there two, but nothing you can’t handle. Think smartly, not rashly. Therefore, I have nothing else to teach you; now get some rest; we set sail for Sabaody at dawn.” Me and I nodded again. “Yes, sir!” With that, he left, and Koby looked at me. “Are you going to be ok?” Signing, I smiled, looking at him. “Yeah, actually..”

“I have a feeling I’m going to be more than ok…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright, listen up!” It was the next day, as the marine ship you were on was approaching the destination, as Garp was telling you the plan. I had everything ready, all packed, as my excitement grew more. “Here are the coordinates to Luffy ship; before I give you a five-minute head start, you will run into familiar people, new foes, and some idiot lowlife pirates that boast about themselves. Just focus on getting to the Sunny, with no distractions or errors, understand?” I nodded to Garp. “Yes, sir!” He grinned. “Good, now here is a month's supply of food; since I know how Luffy eats, all of this is needed-“ “DID YOU STEEL THE COOKIES FROM HERE?!” Koby snapped as Garp froze, whipping at the boy. “ONLY ONE LUFFY CAN SURVIVE!!” “YOU DID NOT TAKE ONE SIR YOU TOOK A WHOLE BOX!” “LIKE I SAID, LUFFY WILL SURVIVE NOW. SHUT UP!!” Koby got hit with Garp's fists before handing me the food bag, which I could carry easily. “Now, the coordinates should be easy for you to understand since I wrote the instruction for kindergarteners, so don’t screw up and get lost. Once we dock, immediately hop off the ship, no of that emotional goodbye stuff even though I will miss having a girl to train…” he started to get emotional and turned as Koby approached him. “DON’T CRY THEN!” He snapped as I smiled. “It’s okay; crying isn’t a sign of weakness. I’ll see you both again. The two years was just the beginning.”

Koby smiled at my words as he walked closer to me. "Of course, I'll put up a good fight next time." I smiled at his confidence as he held out a fist, but I ignored it and hugged him, and he froze. His face was red; he was shocked that I was doing this. I was getting emotional when I felt his arms wrap around me. "Be safe. Koby… don't get yourself killed.." I whispered as he hugged me tighter; I could feel his breath on my skin. "Same to you, Y/n.." Pulling away, I wiped my tears before looking to Garp, who was still crying while facing out, as I sighed. "Garp." I knelt to him and smiled. "Thank you for training me and helping me to grow stronger. The techniques you taught me will also come in handy for defense. But sometimes, when good people part ways, it's always good to cry occasionally. But don't worry, I won't think any less of your strength because you are crying. I'll be ok, and keep Luffy safe, I promise." His brows knitted together. "You better; I don't want another brat to worry for when I'm chasing me. Besides, you'll be one hell of a pirate, a strong one at that." I smile. "And it's all thanks to you. Well, I guess I should go, huh? Thank you two again. Be safe!" As my five minutes were starting, I grew excited. I bowed, grabbed my stuff, and hopped off the Marine ship, running straight ahead. As Garp and Koby watched, Bogard walked up to the two and just glanced at Garp. "You're giving her more time, aren't you.." Garp laughed. "Of course I am; she'd be considered lucky since this place is confusing; she should be just fine. EVERYONE GET READY TO PULL TO THE FRONT BAY! WE'LL CUT THEM OFF!!" A bunch of 'Yes sirs' rang through the deck as the ship went out of the dock while you, of course, were looking at the directions as you followed the numbers on the trees.

This place was unique, full of bubbles which is meant for a five year old.

Everything looked plastic, even though it wasn’t, as you took a chance to take in the scenery, grasped the food bag and stuff, and adjusted it on your back.

Many people were here, and it was pretty lively with different people. The more I got closer to town, the more excited I felt.

Continuing to run, I tried my best to avoid many people and not make a big scene, as marines were already around the area, but they were probably not under Garp's command.

Making sure not to be seen, I kept a low profile as my posture was normal, my head was down, and my excitement was high.

It was not just excitement running high through me; it was also nervous because I hadn't seen Luffy in two years, let alone met his whole crew, and I heard rumors that they were just as strong as him.

Garp informed me of their names, as they all sounded unique, and I couldn't wait to meet them.

Roronoa Zoro: The fearsome swordsman.

Nami: Cat Burglar or Navigator

Nico Robin: the famous archeologist.

Chopper: The doctor.

Vinsmoke Sanji: The Cook.

Franky: The Shipwright

Brook: The musician

Usopp: The fearless sniper.

All of their titles seemed unique and different, and it made me even more nervous to meet them, as I didn't know where my strength and title stood against them, but I hope I get along with everyone.

As I kept running and running, I arrived at a green-hilled pasture, as more bubbles from this island were formed, until...I saw him.

That's right. I saw Luffy's big backpack on his back as he was in front of Rayleigh, who had trained him for the past two years.

Behind him were two handsome men: a tall, muscular, green-haired guy with a slash on his left eye and the other male beside him, who was blonde, elegant, and had a black go-tee.

"Huh, those two men must be a part of his crew.." I stated as I continued running that way, but as I was heading to them, the Marines yelled to stop Luffy and the two men as they were about to attack.

My eyes widened, and my teeth gritted as I jumped before the three. When I got close enough, my cloak blew in the wind as my fist went back. "NORMAL SPREAD PUNCH!" I yelled, Slamming my fist on the floor as all the marines that were in front of the three suddenly scattered in a large explosion.

The ground rumbled, and the leftover marines' eyes widened as they couldn't believe how much power suddenly occurred.

Dust arose, the chaos in front of Luffy, and the two men widened their eyes as my Silhouette was shown, making Luffy's lips form a bright smile.

"You're an Idiot, Luffy....for not having your guard up all the time.." I stated, a smile curling on my lips as I was revealed.

The marine's eyes widened more when they saw me, as some of them backed away with fear.

"I-It's Y/n L/N's..! The powerful girl that saved Fire Fist Ace years ago!"

"W-Why is she here?! Rumors said she joined a pirate crew; wait, don't tell me.."

"Stop her from helping the Strawhats escape!!!"

Luffy couldn't stop smiling. "Y/n!!! Is that really you?! Wow!! You look so different! HAHA!" Luffy hugged me, and his laughter brought warmth into my ears as I laughed, too, hugging him back. The blonde Male had hearts in his eyes and was waving his arms. "Wah! A pretty lady!!!" I blushed, flattered by the blonde's comment, as the green-haired male stepped forward, grabbing onto his sword handle. "Luffy, you know this girl?"

Luffy smiled, letting go of me as he began to pat my back repeatedly. "It's Y/n! I forgot you all haven't met her yet! She is a part of our crew!" Both of the men froze, as I smiled nervously, and I waved. "H-Hi...I heard a lot about you both...Garp has told me a lot of information...your Zoro and Sanji right?"

The two's eyes widened as Sanji's eyes turned into hearts, his nose bleeding a little. "She knows my name!!" Zoro stepped forward, a little shocked. "Yeah, those are our names... you said Garp told you information about us..which means you were with the Marines?"

Laughing nervously, I scratched the back of my head. "Well, I wasn't a part of the Marines; I just gotta taste what it was like for the past two years. Garp trained me, actually." Sanji paused his simpering as his and Zoro's eyes widened. "Wait, really, Garp trained you?" Sanji asked. "I'm surprised," Zoro added, then continued. "Being the hero of the Marines, I would expect the least of him to train someone who's part of a pirate crew. Well..it's nice to meet you, Y/n gotta admit, you're strong, but are you worth enough to fight alongside Luffy..?" Zoro's calm question caught me by surprise, but I wasn't hesitant when I firmly nodded my head to him before speaking."Luffy has a strong heart and a great dream. People like him deserve Fairness and to achieve his goals and actions in life. Two years ago, I fought alongside him to Save Ace. I won't stop fighting with him until he becomes pirate King. For the world to know even the lowest of people who are pirates or Marines or even just regular people, all deserve Fairness and to live in a world where they won't be bored but have a sense of fun and adventure." My words struck Zoro somehow, as he could see the determination, loyalty, and Kindness in my eyes. He didn't know who I was or what Luffy had brought to the table, but he knew I was loyal to Luffy, making his lips curl into a small smile as I saw his hand go out to me. "Well then, that settles things...dI like you Y/n.....Welcome to the crew..." My heart fluttered as I looked up at him before smiling, as my hand firmly grasped in his. "Thank you both!"

"You kids better go; I'm sure more Marines will be coming this way." A familiar voice spoke, and we all turned to see Rayleigh as I smiled at him. "Rayleigh!" He smiled down at me calmly, his tall form towering over me. Even though his age had seen better days, his looks never failed him, as he was as handsome as ever. "Hello there, Y/n-san; I must say, Garp trained you well. Did you lose weight?" I smiled more at his question as I nodded. "I did! I've never felt better about myself, and I have your Grandpa to thank for that, Luffy." Luffy laughed, holding his stomach with a smile as Rayleigh chuckled.

"Well, I'm proud of you, Y/n; you look good... perfect. Be who you want to be...don't let anyone else tell you who you are, because if you let them..well.." His hand reached out, gently popping a bubble about to land on my nose as my cheeks rose in color, and his smile continued to show the more he looked at me. "Your life won't be as bright as it is now...you don't want that, do you, Y/n?" My heart continued to beat rapidly; I felt like I was going to explode as my head quickly shook, which made him smile more, his hand going onto my head. "Good girl...because bright people like you deserve fairness, just remember that. I want to keep seeing your Kindness when you rise with Luffy on the Grandline; just don't forget to Visit this Old Geezer occasionally, ok? Can you Promise me that?" Nodding from his question, my eyes met his again. "Of course, I'll visit you, Rayleigh; that is a definite promise, right Luffy?" Luffy nodded also. "Yes! That's right! You are not alone anymore, Rayleigh! Your family to us now!" When Luffy smiled, Rayleigh got emotional as he wiped his eyes. "Family huh? I quite like the sound of that...you all better be careful...the Grandline is even more dangerous than ever, so remember to always keep guard and protect each other...you four better head to the Sunny; I'll take care of the Marines here.." Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, and I all nodded with Rayleigh's words, as we turned, and started running, heading to Luffy's ship.

Before the Marines could attack us more, Rayleigh fended them off, serving no match against him.

As the four of us ran, heading in the right direction, Luffy smiled brightly beside me. "We have so much to catch up on!" I nodded to his question. "Indeed we do. Luffy." As Luffy smiled brightly again from my agreement, a large shadow cast over the four of us as we paused to see a Giant bird, which widened my eyes.

But, before we could be hesitant, a familiar voice spoke, and we saw the familiar Doctor, known as Chopper, waving and Yelling to Zoro, Sanji, and Luffy.

"Chopper!" Luffy yelled, smiling more as the bird landed. My eyes sparkled when looking at the Reindeer, as he was so cute when he tackled Luffy into a hug, and Zoro and Sanji, the four of their laughter, warmed my heart.

As Chopper looked at Luffy, he looked at the bird. "Everyone is waiting for you, Luffy, at the Sunny!" Luffy's eyes widened. "Robin, Brook, Nami, Usopp, and Franky are there already?! Well, we can't keep them waiting! Zoro, Sanji, Y/n, let's get on the bird and hurry!"

The three of us nodded, soon getting on the bird, which took off, as Chopper directed it to the right path while it flew high in the sky.

I couldn't help but be in awe with the View of this island, as it was pretty beautiful. It was peaceful, flying so high in the sky as I closed my eyes, enjoying the calm wind hitting my skin. The bird continued to head to the Sunny until Luffy saw his ship in his eyes and smiled again. "There it is! OI! GUYS!! EVERYONE!!" He yelled as I looked down at him, and the other members of his crew smiled more, too, getting up from their spots and running to the edge of the boat, greeting him back with the same amount of kindness.

I noticed some of them crying, and it made my heart warm when the bird got closer.

But, then suddenly, a pool of blood came out of Sanji's nose as he flew off the ship, and my eyes widened with shock as the chopper yelled for him as he fell into the water.

Zoro wasn't bothered to get him, as it was customary for his nose to bleed like this; I was just concerned for Sanji as the bird was close enough to Sunny, allowing me, Luffy, chopper, and Zoro to hop on, as Chopper thanked the bird.

As the bird flew away, Usopp cried for Chopper to stop Sanji's nose from bleeding, as Zoro simply walked past, and I looked amongst the Chaos, not knowing what to do as Luffy was too busy admiring Franky's new form. "Excuse me." A voice spoke as I turned to Robin, who looked at me curiously as her tallness towered over me.

"Are you the new crewmember Rayleigh spoke of?" My posture was fixed as soon as she asked that, and I nodded. "Y-Yes, my name is Y/n; it's nice to meet you." My answer piqued Nami's interest. "Oh, so your Y/n! You helped Luffy save Ace!! I'm Nami! It's nice to meet you!" She offered me her hand, and I smiled and shook it. "It's nice to meet you, Nami. Luffy told me so much about you." My statement made her sigh. "I'm sorry if Luffy has caused you trouble. He's a good captain but can be a handful sometimes." I giggled at her statement. "Ah, not Luffy is fine, he's not a handful I promise-" I paused when a Skeleton, or Brook, approached me as he bowed like a gentleman.

"Hello there, beautiful Lady! My name is Brook! I do have one question, if you don't mind me asking." I smiled up at him. "Ok, sure, go ahead." He coughed in his handkerchief before he leaned down to me more. "May I see your panties?" My face fumed red before Nami suddenly bonked his head instantly. "STOP ASKING TO SEE WOMANS PANTIES! YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE HER UNCOMFORTABLE!" she snapped; I was shocked by the sudden outburst but then snorted when holding my mouth as this situation was quite funny. "Don't mind, Brook." I turned to look up at Franky, who had a smile on his face.

"He asks that question to every woman, so don't feel a bit embarrassed; the name's Franky and I gotta say, when I heard Luffy asked a girl like you to join our crew, I didn't believe you'd be this cute." His compliment made my face flush more as Nami's head whipped to him. "Don't add gas to the fire, Franky!" Franky shrugged. "What? It's the truth. Besides, I don't think she's too bothered by it, right?" His wink made me giggle as I nodded. "You're right about that. Say, Franky, I think you're pretty cool; I knew of a Cyborg once." His eyes widened. "Really? What was he like? Strong, tall, handsome?" Watching him smirk, I smile. "He was all three of that thing; sadly, he died when fighting a monster, but he still lives in my heart!" Franky's facial expression changed slightly. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that; you have my respect, Y/n. He must have been a true good friend." I don't remember Genos, but he seemed to be a good friend of Saitama as I nodded with Frankie's command. "Yeah, he sure was.." I looked around before my eyes landed on Usopp and Chopper chatting with Luffy. "And you two must be Chopper and Usopp, correct?" The two pauses when turning to me, as Usopp nodded confidentially, his lips forming a grip. "That's right! I'm Usopp the Great, The most feared sniper of Luffy's crew!" My eyes sparkled with curiosity as I smiled. "That's so cool! So you shoot guns and stuff?!" He smiled nervously at my comment. "Well, not just guns; I can shoot lots of stuff and also make throwables to aid me in a fight, I know; hold your applause; it's awesome..." I smiled more, impressed with his Skill, as Nami glared at him. "We all know you are just being greedy now.." She growled as Usopp froze suddenly before laughing nervously. "I'm a pirate; what do you expect, Nami-"

"Oi, everyone heads up," Zoro spoke, as suddenly a Cannonball flew by Sunny, almost hitting it as it alerted everyone else.

Usopp and I ran over to the ship railing, looking more serious as we looked towards the Marine ships. "Oh no! When did they get here?!" Usopp asked as I glanced that way, as there were about three Navy ships. "It seems there are three Navy ships that way," I stated, as more Cannon balls barely missed the Sunny as I turned to Luffy. "Luffy, should we get rid of them?" But, before he could answer, more Cannonballs flew, heading straight for the ship this time, as the crew prepared to deflect them until pink-like arrows took them down, which alerted us to look at a familiar ship, Boa Hancock's ship.

Smiling, Robin walked up beside us; her face was blank. "That's Kuja's logo." Nami turned to her, confused. "Kuja?" "They're strong Amazonian pirates led by a pirate empress, Warlord." Robin's words shocked Usopp. "A Warlord?!!" Robin turned to him. "Her name is Boa Hancock. They say anyone who sees her will be attracted by her beauty." Brook stood on the other side of me, looking through the scope, as his face turned to shock, pink hinting at his bony facial structure. "Oh, too bright! She is dazzling!" He almost stumbled backward, as I giggled while Usopp caught the scope, looking as well as his mouth nearly dropped to the floor. "Wow! She must be a goddess!" His words widened Sanji's eyes as he hopped up from the floor, bolting to Usopp as he looked. "Goddess? Goddess! Let me see, let me see, where is she-" He paused when he saw her, turned into stone, and I Usopps eyes widened. "He turned into stone!" We both shouted with shock as Luffy came up behind us. "Oh, that's Hancock and the others!" He spoke as Usopp looked at him, as well as Brook and Sanji.

Boa turned her head to look at the sunny, as she saw me smiling which warmed her heart before she winked at me, which made my cheeks rise in color as Brook almost had a heart attack when he flung back.

"She helped us," Luffy spoke. "Let's set sail now!" he ordered, as Nami questioned if he knew her, as he nodded. "Yeah, I was sent to Maiden Island and I became friends with them. They helped Y/n too in keeping her in their country to recover her injuries." He stated as Usopp looked back at Boa's ship. " So that's the legendary female-only island, right? They definitely live up to their name." I nodded with his question before Sanji came up behind Luffy, a dark aura behind him. "Luffy..you were friends with the pirate empress?! HEY! WERE YOU REALLY TRAINING HARD?!" Sanji asked, tears of remorse coming from his eyes as Luffy smiled nervously at him. "Yes, Sanji, I really did train." Sanji slumped, going on all fours as he was crying more, I was then beside him, patting his back. "It's ok Sanji-kun, at least theirs other empresses out there in the sea..." He sobbed more, and my eyes widened as I felt like I made it worse as Zoro walked past, with a blank face. "Ignore his cries, he's grown more than an Idiot since two years ago." Sanji whipped to his feet. "SHUT UP MOSS HEAD!"

Nami sighed, as she spoke up before the two started fighting again. "Okay, let's get ready to set sail now!"

Everyone agreed, as no more marines were attacking us or stopping us from leaving, as a Marine ship was in my view, I saw Garp, Bogard, and Koby, and I smiled at them; waving. "GARP!! KOBY!!! BOGARD!!! THANK YOU FOR THE BEST TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!" I yelled, catching the straw hat's attention, as Usopp and Chopper's eyes widened with fear when seeing Garp's ship.

But, Luffy told the crew not to attack, as everyone saw the tears brimming on Garp and Koby, while Bogard just smirked, as they stated their goodbyes, as it was an emotional moment.

Tears brimmed my eyes also, as the thousand Sunny continued to pull out of port, The three marines stayed until the Sunny's ship was out of sight. But, as the Sunny was sailing across the sea, a bubble roof was formed from the stuff coating the ship, as me, and everyone else's eyes widened as Nami spoke up again.

"Listen up everyone." She opened a paper. "A coated ship can reduce any kind of pressure. So once the floating bag at the ship's bottom which keeps it on the surface has been removed, it'll be less buoyant and start to sink."

"I see." Luffy, Zoro, and I spoke as Nami smiled. "Pretty easy to understand, right? Anyway, spread the sail now!"

Everyone nodded with the agreement as the straw hats, and I prepared to set sail.

Garp was right; Luffy and his crew weren't so bad, as from that day forward, I had a pretty good feeling about the future...as I will not stop fighting along side Luffy until.....

He becomes king of the pirates...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author: I AM SO SORRY, IT HAS BEEN A WHILE!!!

Author: You're probably wondering where I went, so I'll tell you! I have been away fixing myself and my mental health. Many things in my personal life have been going on, and I needed a break from activities to help aid myself and refresh my life.

Author: But now, after very long months and days, I'm finally back to writing. I am sorry if this chapter is a bit boring, but I promise there will be more exciting chapters in the future!

Author: Anyways, I am sorry again for being away so long. More chapters of this book will be published before Christmas, and the New Year, so I hope everyone is having a good last month of the year! Happy Holidays, and have a good day, everyone!

Bye lovelies!!!

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madlysage · 1 month

Text

my stardew valley bachelor headcannons:

(basically just me creating my own characters as fodder for fic atp :,)

elliott (my darling)

- is from a wealthy family- his dad is british and a distant descendent of the royal family

- went to college for an english and philosophy double major and graduated with honors

- had an affair with a professor in college (he didn’t know she was married) and is estranged from his parents as a result

- secretly loves trashy bodice ripper romance books

- always comes in without knocking (dramatic man that he is)

- cannot garden to save his life

- an ugly crier

- yappiest yapper ever

- LOVES dancing (and was classically trained as a child- hello rich preppy parents)

-bi king

^^ like this but longer red hair (UGH)

sebastian

- bi-icon

- he’s mixed white and native american (choctaw to be specific)

- i always picture him with long ass black hair (it’s hot sorry)

- literally always picture billy wirth….

- he has a secret belly button piercing (but he’s hiding it from robin)

- his mom and dad had him as teens and his dad abandoned them because his family didn’t approve

- wants to be closer to maru but doesn’t know how

- alternates having crushes on sam and abigail (but let’s be so real it’s gotta be sam)

- has a soft spot for classical music

- smokes weed even more than cigs- feels responsible for how much sam smokes too

sebastian fans come at me all u want this is the man in my head when i picture himmmmmmmm

sam

-another bicon (could honestly be pan)

- secretly a smoker (don’t tell jodi)

- has tons of army men in his room- he started collecting them when his dad got deployed

- loves crop tops and will cut any and all of his band tees- but his mom keeps throwing them away

- is still kinda in the closet and a little girl crazy (particularly for abigail and penny)

- is teaching jas to skateboard on school breaks ever since she asked (a bit to impress penny)

(this just works for me idk- he gives me this vibe but like grungier and spunkier maybe)

harvey

- refuses to drink anything but black coffee

- king of anxiety

- secretly a good cook

- loses his glasses at least once a week

- can name any model of plane just from the sound of the engine

- wants to get his pilot’s license

- has a phenomenal record collection

………… yes this is my harvey and I WILL TAKE 0 NOTES GO ATJ GO

shane

- leaned how to braid hair just for jas

- was on the gridball team in highschool but keeps it a secret to avoid alex begging him to join his rec team

- was also best friends with jas’ dad in highschool from the gridball team and since his death he hasn’t been able to bring himself to play again

- wanted to go to college for agriculture but the loans would have been too much

- let’s jas paint his toenails any color she wants but is too embarrassed to let her do his finger nails

- got his ears pierced one night on a bender in the city but never wears them

- has a little crush on emily but is too embarrassed by it to ever tell (he doesn’t think she would ever feel the same)

- 1/4 indian on his mom’s side but isn’t in touch with the culture

- is a vegetarian but never talks about it

likkkke COME ON

alex

- wears a specific cologne and gets very upset whenever he runs out and can’t have his “signature scent”

- gets up early and makes breakfast for his grandparents everyday

- is poly but doesn’t rlly know that’s an option- and it ruins most of his attempts at monogamous relationships

- went to college for human physiology on a gridball scholarship but got Cs the whole time (but he’s still smarter than u would think)

- does yoga with evelyn every sunday and does george’s physical therapy each day too

- is the stardew equivalent of a freaking baptist christian (he’s all into Yoba)

likeeeee is this not bro

#stardew valley #stardew #sdv #sdv headcanons #stardew fanfic #i’m too busy honing in it class as is let her be free #ik ik i have shitty opinion but who am i to corral my mind #all of these are at play in my fic :D #don’t come up with hyper specific details that convulute and complicate writing: challenge level impossible

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gurugirl · 6 months

Note

This might seem completely odd [which if it made you uncomfortable, please don't respond and I'm so sorry 🩵] but as one of my favourite writers here that I engage frequently, I am seeking your opinion or motivation, too: what piece of advice you'd give to someone who struggles to take an action for weight loss? Like I am not overwhelmingly overweight, yet definitely on the chubbier side which if I lose kinda 17 lbs (around 8-10 kg to be exact) I'd be much more comfortable in my own skin, but literally been free for a week (Hence I took break from everything that consumes my time) but never could do any shite and it's so annoying :/ I have the opportunity to do exercises or have long strolls but laziness and lack of enthusiasm are killing me.

Hi! I just saw @freedomfireflies answered you as well and she gave you such good advice I'm not sure I can add much to it.

I like to think of being active as something that's doing me good and going to make me happy. It's proven that being outside for a bit every day is very good for mood and health and that can translate to us being kinder to our body and perhaps making better choices. I have a dog so I'm out with him to walk at various times during the day and I know it improves my mood just walking in the park and getting away from screens (I usually leave my phone in the house when I walk the dog).

Now, finding motivation to take a stroll outside is a different thing when you don't have a dog. I'm positive I'd go outside a lot less if it weren't for him. Sometimes you just have to force yourself until it becomes habit (that's how I got into my yoga practice - it started out just being something to try until now it's a habit and I enjoy doing it everyday because it makes me feel so happy and my body feels great). But ultimately you want to be gentle with yourself. Maybe take a drive to a pretty park and walk around it to take in the landscaping and flowers or whatever. You don't need to be out there long if you don't want. Or maybe you find you really enjoy it and wind up staying longer than you intended. Then later see how you feel after doing that one thing for yourself. Letting your body move around and take breaks from screens is so beneficial. I think you'll notice the difference - at least in your mood and that can have a domino effect on the rest of your day.

Another thing to consider is that society dictates what's attractive and society has unhealthy expectations for women. It's easy to get caught up in that sort of thing when it's all around us. All of our bodies are different and require different things.

I hope anything I said gives you a little something to think about. Doing one small thing is a great way to start and then seeing how you feel after should help you be motivated to do it again (like that walk in the park).

I wish you the best! Just the fact that you're searching for advice is good. One thing at a time!

ps! make sure you drink plenty of water too! nothing wrong with staying hydrated which gives you more energy naturally :)

xoxo

#ask #xoxo

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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 2 years

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You did it again! Loved “Across the Bar”. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 😝 I didn’t actually have another request ready, but I needed to think up at least one more after reading that. 😌

Another Shawn. (For me it’s always Shawn; it’s pathetic really.) I read something recently that had such good back and forth banter between the couple in the story. So, I guess I’m just looking for something fun and flirty in an established relationship. Maybe throw in some dirty/sexy innuendos, but it doesn’t have to lead to smut since you just did one of those for me. LOL Feel free to get him (or her) all flustered/worked up though. There can always a be denial in the follow through (or a future promise). 😆 Some quips or ribbing, some playful teasing, a little competitiveness? Maybe during something mundane or everyday, like she goads him into doing yoga with her or something. (Just an example- the first I thought up; it can be whatever you might like it to be.)

Idk. What do you think?

I kept this one a little shorter, only wanted to the banter to be focal point.

Written for Graduation Blurb Weekend. Today, May 8th, 2022, is the last day to submit a request.

Female Reader Insert. CW: 18+ Content (Smut Adjacent)

Cleaning Day

_____________

Saturdays and Sundays are cleaning days. There’s no way around this. There's no avoiding the fates. There is only ever joining in, or at the very least, not interrupting the flow. Shawn, after the bed shakes for a moment, listens. You brush your teeth, get dressed, and then shuffle out the room. Though Shawn knows he’s not going back to sleep, he continues to lay in bed, cradling the pillow to his chest. A speaker beeps to life.

It’s going to happen. It’s all going to happen and then a moment later, Shawn hears the crooning of Mary J. Blige. There it goes. Shawn pushes up from the mattress a little and listens to the cabinets opening and closing. He tries to remember what part of the house you’re supposed to be tackling today. Last weekend you deep cleaned the bathrooms and prepped dinner. Shawn thinks that maybe you’re going to tackle the kitchen.

And if you are going to deep clean the kitchen, that means he needs to get up because you’re definitely going to go for washing walls and deep cleaning the stove. Which means he needs to make sure you don’t hurt yourself. Shawn makes quick work of brushing his teeth and throws on pants, but forgoes a t-shirt. Mostly because the one he was going to wear isn’t on the back of the chair and he assumes you’ve snagged it.

Stepping out of the door, Shawn immediately spots you on your step stool. You’re pulling the stuff from off the top of the fridge and he walks over, hands resting gently on your waist. “Hey, hot stuff,” you grin, turning to look at him.

“Good morning to you too,” he laughs, pinching your ass. “Also that’s my shirt and you know it!”

“Guess you’ll have to take it off me.”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you? Love me to undress you?”

You laugh for a moment before you can return. “You love it too. Don’t even lie.”

He laughs, but stays behind you to ensure you don’t get wobbly trying to clear off the top of the fridge. He’d offer to do the job himself, but you’d refuse having already started it and he doesn’t mind the facefull of your panty cladded backside. When you start to shift, Shawn takes a step back and lets you set all the boxes and tins onto the counter.

“Are you going to deep clean out the fridge too?” Shawn asks, pulling out your gloves and buckets. Inside of them already are the sponges and cleaners you’ve designated for the kitchen.

“We probably should see what has expired and what’s still good.”

Shawn hums, filling one bucket with some warm water. “So clean appliances, walls, counters and then we deep dive into the fridge.”

“Sounds like a man with a plan,” you return, sliding up behind Shawn. You playfully tap his ass before kissing the back of his bicep.

“Hey, missy. What’s going on here?”

“Oh, come off it. You love it when I play with your ass.” You give your thanks and take the bucket from Shawn. He squawks, watching you go back to the step stool to begin the cleansing. He does, but that’s not the thing he expected from you first thing in the morning. He laughs and fills the second bucket to start on wiping down the walls of the kitchen. This deep of a clean is a two person job and slowly over the months, Shawn has picked up on all your little intricacies. You like to clean the appliance first and the walls. Then you clean counters.

And when it’s not cleaning, Shawn has learned the small things about you too. Like the way you do a two-step to almost any song that you love. You love having more time in the morning to do things than the mornings so you wake early out of dedication to keeping a schedule. Your prefer cooler showers if you’re showering in the morning and warmer showers at night. And it’s all the small things, but it’s those things that matter the most between the two of you.

Another song comes up on the shuffle and both you and Shawn start to belt out the lyrics. He spins to watch you and you turn from the wiping down the fridge handles to sing to each other. He’s the singer, obviously, at how flawlessly he hits the higher notes, but you love to join in with him. Laughter and giggles fall from you two after the note passes and the two of you resume your assigned work.

As the morning progresses, the two of you keep passing teasing touches. Shawn’s hand on your ass. You trail your nails over his stomach. It’s intimate, gives both of you a fluster, but is clearly not taking precedent. Shawn steps away to the restroom, pressing a kiss to your temple. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay. Don’t fall in,” you call out behind him.

Shawn laughs. “I’ll do my best.”

The music continues to filter around the kitchen and you scrub at the oven floor after letting the cleaner sit for the last hour. A couple minutes later, Shawn returns back to the kitchen and as he passes, he cups the back of your neck and tilts your head back.

“Yes, my dear?” you ask, batting your lashes up at him.

“Oh, so innocent. But not later,” he teases, thumb teasing your lips.

“Oh, later, I’ll never be innocent again,” you return, tongue flicking out against his thumb. Your heart is racing just a little in your chest and you’re cursing the way the wetness gathers between your legs, but it’s Shawn and he’ll always make it so easy for you. You’ll never resist him.

A small punch of arousal hits Shawn’s gut and he squats down to capture your lips into a kiss. “Love you,” he whispers.

“Love you too.” He stands and turns to the sink to wipe it down.

“Love your ass in those boxer briefs too,” you tack on. Shawn punctuates the sentence with a tiny wiggle and the sound of both of your later bounces over the lyrical flow of Lauryn Hill.

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes smut adjacent #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes x female reader #h writes #h's graduation celebration blurb weekend

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kingofpolynya · 6 months

Text

Burnout or love?

Tumblr looks different now, but I'm still the same. Still working in academia, doing phytoplankton stuff, but not in Japan. I move back to the UK in December 2021 after getting offered a postdoc in Liverpool. Hopefully in January, I'll start my permanent job at the National Oceanography Centre - as a marine biogeochemical model developer. Funny how 11 years ago, I had my first interview to be an Oceanography student. Now I'm going to work there. Time flies..

Life in Japan was quite miserable. I cheated on my (now ex) boyfriend with a colleague. It was a short affair too, but he ended our relationship. I tried making new friends, but I feel sort of worthless that girls in Japan are all very skinny and very prim and proper. I stopped eating breakfast, which spiralled into not eating anything. I ran 5k every evening, and swam 3k 3x a week. I have never felt this pretty before, but everyone said I looked like a holocaust survivor. I still love my job, but I hated everyone (apart from my boss) there. So I need a way out, and I ended up applying for a postdoc with this famous professor, and thanks to divine intervention I got the post. My mother said I am allowed to move back to the UK if I got to normal BMI, so I tried. I even got myself a psychiatrist and a cocktail of mind altering drugs. I just cant stand being surrounded by skinny Japanese girl, so I tried my best. Eventually, I got back to normal bmi after 5 months, and I also got my (ex) boyfriend back, but not for long.

The first year in Liverpool was fun, I get to do 3D and very complex model with many state variables, and different nutrients and plankton component. People were impressed with what I have done, until I joined a cruise from the Falkland Islands back to Southampton in February 2022. It was a 6 week cruise. My (then) boyfriend wasnt keen on me joining the cruise but I enjoyed it a lot. I love the routine, and seeing different plankton swimming about, talking to different scientists, and do yoga almost every day. I have never felt like a scientist before. Almost every day I strive to do my best.

However, after the cruise, I feel like something snapped, and I cannot do science anymore. I feel like it's hard to go back to the normal routine of looking at model output and wondering what might be going on in 2100, under RCP8.5 scenario. My brain fried so hard I think I failed every task. My boss even snapped at me for not being able to ask the 'big picture question'. Perhaps I'm a bad scientist from the beginning and its just somehow lots of people have been carrying me around. I feel like everything is blank and bleak. Maybe I should quit science?

I started getting my 'consciousness' back a few months ago, and only started to grasp what is happening after repeatedly being told off by my boss (what a man with infinite patience). I am starting to grasp what I can do and slowly crawling back into the depths of hell. However, since I know my boss is not keen on me as a postdoc, I decided that I have to leave. So I apply for a different job, a permanent one, and a job where I, hopefully, does not need to ask big picture question. I like getting stuck in and do the coding, and plot my results so I can brainstorm with others to see what is wrong with plankton? Why are things happening like this? I suppose I will never be at my boss' calibre.

Now everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive. I'm starting to hate going to the office and make small talk. I used to enjoy swimming, now it feels like a chore. Eating or cooking isn't enjoyable anymore. Cakes taste stale. I am living on microwaved rice and instant noodles. I dont want to be too skinny again, because I have never swam this fast. The pills that kept me sane dont seem to do their job anymore. All I want is just lay in bed and not doing anything, and cry.

I initially thought that I am starting to lose my sanity because I met someone on the cruise, and fell in love. I split up with my (ex) boyfriend just before I stepped on to dry land, to be with this guy. It worked and fortunately he loves me to. He moved in not long after we finished the cruise. I have never been with someone I love, and maybe this whole 'my brain is broken' thing is because my brain chemistry is not in balance. But I dont know, with him around life do get a bit easier, but all i want to do is just joking around with him and go for long walks on the beach. I cant be bothered doing science anymore, or even just living in general. Have I been showing symptoms of burnout?

I hope my new relationship will last forever. I do hope that he can see me shine, and stays in love with me. I hope my new job will bring me a some happiness, and can make me shine brighter than before.

#updates #burnout #tw disordered eating

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thequeenofmyownscreen · 2 years

Text

I took time to watch the first season of “All Work No Play”

And then, after that, because a) I have no self-control b) I felt like I was missing on a lot of stuff c) I just could listen to Sam and Liam fuck around and talk about themselves and their lives for forever ??? d) I saw a Tumblr post detailing the facts we learn on the original “All Work No Play” episodes and just could not believe what I was reading... I listened to the original “All Work No Play” podcast only.

So under the cut, details of what I thought of each episode, and the glorious run of the 15 episodes podcast that started it all, really. But yeah, contrary to my preferences, it does not follow chronological order. Which is fine, because if there was a way to describe this experience, it's "drunk delightful clusterfuck", in my humble opinion.

Sword fighting : the start is awkward, the middle is epic, the end is awkward. So yeah, on parr with the rest. I do love a good pun, so the whole knighting sequence was hilarious to me : "I knight you Ser...Pent, Ser... Cumvent, Ser... Vival." I love Will Friedle dry sense of humour and wish we've seen more of him. The mini-movie was awesome ! Put some swords into actors' hands and it does not matter if they were bad at sword fighting (they weren't !), they will sell it with yells and tragic death scenes.

Tap Dancing : Sam doing the worm in that stupid colorful costume... I was expecting no less of him. Liam has NO coordination, this is true, and again demonstrated it in this episode. Courtenay Taylor was a necessary addition, because she knew what she was doing, and her "mom jokes" were unexpected and dry and hilarious. Sam tells the story of the birthday of Macaulay Culkin, whom he went to school with, and the birthday was this : they were in the biggest toy store in New York, which was privatized, and for 10 minutes all the kids could run through the alleys and get any game and toys they could want. Liam, hearing this story of privilege, boiling inside : "It is super fucking hard to be your friend and love you. I try and I try, and everyday you make it a little bit harder."

Rage Room : Liam can run a half-marathon (I'm not surprised), Sam can't (I'm not surprised). Sam is a night pooper and Liam a morning pooper and they both like to take this time to destress. Liam looks at the stars alone at night when in his backyard (relatable). Sam does not feel stress in general because he's weird. Rage room was fun but not as cathartic as the name would suggest, I think it's because rage cannot be in a controlled environment. But Stephanie Sheh was so fun, and seeing the bass fish get destroyed was nice. Also Sam has no darkness inside of him, and maybe he has no soul ? I would watch Sam and Liam take ayahuasca in Brazil, tbh.

Goat Yoga : this is a thing. Call me stupid, but while I think Yoga is a real thing, I think Goat Yoga is a scam and brings NOTHING to Yoga. But the goats were cute !! We learn that Sam got high with Snoop Dogg on his first week in L.A., that Liam once got arrested because he was too busy rehearsing a scene with an object that was not even a fake gun outside and being too good at it to notice the neighbors were calling the cops. And I'm just going to leave this quote here : "She's an anal sniper. She aimed my ass right at the cameras."

Creature Makeup : I barely recognized Alex Ward from the Elden Ring one-shot (he was so good in it), he seems really talented in his specialty. We learn that Sam nearly got himself killed by locking himself in a coffin and discovering after someone was sitting on it, and that Liam's aunt once saw her long-gone father talk with her child in the rearview mirror. Sam and Liam do want to make out with each other while wearing makeup that makes them look like the other. After hearing Sam talk about how snot accumulated in his latex mask, I do not want to do Creature Makeup personally anymore. But I do want to see the movie for which they shot the trailer !

Fire Spinning : Ok ok ok, I am but a simple wee lesbian, Marisha doing the fire spinning did things to me. Just hearing Sam and Liam talk about how cool she is and how she always has the best style is wonderful. What we have learn : Sam technically committed apostasy since he converted to Catholicism but "crossed his fingers the whole time", and on his wedding night he hurt himself so much by stepping on glass (Jewish tradition) that he had to go to the ER after.

Mame Cabinet : Felicia Day !!! I love Felicia Day. We learn that Sam might have more of a chance to develop Alzheimer’s thanks to his t-rex arms. Why was this the most emotional episode yet ? I don't know but the hug Liam gave Sam almost made me cry.

The Hot Tub with, like 12 people : Ok this was just fun as hell. I want to do this with my friends all the time !!! We learn that Courtenay CAN do the cherry trick of tying it up which is HOT, the S'mores Martini takes a century to do, and that the censored nipples of Liam are Sam's pixel face. Thanks Twitch !!

The original podcast : They're so young (it starts at December 2012)! Travis and Laura are mentioned on the very first episode, and so's Liam fear of skydiving. Malaysia is mentioned on episode 2, also Kit Buss ! Episode 2 is where they decide to do a “Laura Bailey harp music”, after they talk about how great she is. Also Sam and Liam are excited because they've decided to play D&D together, and mention Matt and his glorious hair. Sam asks Liam to pick his race and class : "- Can I just be the worst ? - You could be... A gnome !" I CAN'T BELIEVE I HEARD IT LIVE, THE INCEPTION OF SCANLAN SHORTHALT. Episode 3 is the recap of said session of D&D, and you know what's better to hear them screaming into their mics that they loved it so much ? A FREAKING EXCERPT OF THE VERY FIRST SESSION THEY PLAYED TOGETHER ! (there was even Marisha, who was - if I understand - helping Matt and not playing). Episode 3 is also the episode where we learn that if they were abandoned on an island, Liam and Sam would start to fuck "immediately" according to Liam, "48 hours later" according to Sam, who wants to search for help and shelter before fucking. I love the guests they brought in occasionally : it's so good to hear Mary Elisabeth McGlynn, to discover Jennifer Hale who's chill and funny and Roger Craig Smith who seems insane and is also funny as fuck, and to hear Travis and Laura bickering sweetly. Episode 6 is where we learn the very cursed fact that Liam did gymnastics when he was young, and was pretty flexible, so much in fact that he "could reach it" (Sam, not understanding, at first : "You could reach it ? what do you mean..."). About episode 7 I think this is where their lives became much more complicated ; from this one, I just love the recurring "we promise we're gonna do a podcast next week !" only to have the episode after that dated 3 or 5 months later. I loved the episodes they did at conventions, the questions and horrific and convoluted scenarios they put their friends through were funny. Episode 8 is where we learn that Sam's first and only fight, that he WON, was over tickets for Dave Matthews Band. "- We'd obviously like to nail Travis Willingham. - Of course !" Poor Travis ; in the episode with Roger Craig Smith, when put through a horrific scenario of a plane crash in the snowy mountains, he says "I immediately eat Travis Willingham" to the choices offered by Sam and Liam. That does not seem to deter him, since he later admits All Work No Play is his favorite podcast in the world, and he has listened to all the episodes. They do talk a little bit about Critical Role once they've launched the ship in 2015, mainly how is has changed their lives already. By Episode 13, they're not sure of what the format is anymore, and they nearly start reading their e-mails live. We learn that Liam has worked with Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford, and how he was very turned on by Harrison Ford. He also likes Gwendoline Christie “because she seems like she could wreck me, with weapons.” (fair). We learn that when Travis was courting Laura, he wanted to be on her level, so he read the books she was reading at the time... which were the Twilight books : “I've read. Every. Single one of the Twilight Books ! And because there were werewolves, at the end... I kinda liked it.” He went by himself to go see the third movie ; Laura wouldn't go with him because she thought the movies were so bad. By the way, the sound effect for Travis is SO ridiculous, and retrospectively I'm laughing so much more because of Travis Willingham's Yeehaw Game Ranch. Episode 15 is really the end : the show has no format anymore, it's either them reviewing cat videos or them doing podcasts recommendations to each other. But Liam and Sam still talk about their kids with incredulity and so much love. We learn that Liam wants his daughter to learn how to kill a man, to protect her, because he knows “98,7% men are terrible”. We end with a cliffhanger : “Hey, Liam, are we gonna get tattoos ?” Really, what more could you want ?

Overall, the podcast holds a charm from the not-so-distant past who is incomparable. But the VIDEO revival can allow so much more ! They did so many activities, some of them dangerous. Also the editing of the videos is a plus, because it allows things like "let's put cards on the screen to directly contradict what bullshit Sam and Liam are saying", or "Yeah, FAO Schwartz is definitely gone". I'm really glad I discovered another piece of the house that is Critical Role.

#my thoughts #critical role #all work no play #awnp

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april-18th · 2 years

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Exercise and changing behavior

I wanted to change my exercise routine/habits. I wanted to get more exercise in than I had been. This goal became clear to me as the school year began because I found that I wasnt working out as much because of my increased workload from school.

So I downloaded an app to help me change my workout habits. It was called Pam. I liked it because it was pink.

My original goal was to workout for 30 minutes everyday. And the design of her app made that seem easy. You could add a video to a certain day of the week and also see the estimated amount of calories you would burn.

So I would try to workout between classes and during the day so I wasn't too tired at the end of the day.

The main issue was that I could put the videos in the day but I couldn't track if I had actually done them, unless I did it backwards which would have been inefficient and a lot of extra steps.

So the first week I was able to complete most of my goal for the week. Working out 30 minutes everyday was pretty easy. Then I went to Austin to see my boyfriend for 4 days. And when I came back on September 6th I was very tired and I didn’t want to exercise.

So far I hadn’t been liking it that much and I remember thinking it could have been because I set too much of a goal. Her workouts are very intense and there’s no breaks or even lighter exercises that I had yet to find. And the beginner workouts that would have been less intense I found boring. So by the second week I had some setbacks.

I decided that every single day 30 minutes was not a good goal. So I adjusted it to every other day around September 7th. It was still hard to get the full 30 minutes in and I would stop around 10-20.

So I thought maybe 20 minutes everyday isn’t so bad, it was still more than I had been working out in the past and it didn’t seem like a hard thing to do.

But this too turned out to be a challenge. I would come home from class nad just be like no 20 minutes is too much for me to do right now I'm tired, I need some rest.

It is this mindset that blocked me from my goal.

But then when we went to class we were assigned to find a new app and compare. I found a couple that seemed good but were blocked by a paywall.

Until after class that day, I found an app called Google Fit. It was a way to actually track exercise done each day. I really thought this was a good answer. Because now I wasn’t limited to only her workouts and if I wanted to go to the gym or something that would be easy.

So for the next week I did yoga and Pilates videos on YouTube and I was really happy. I stuck to the 20 minutes every day.

As of yesterday. I decided that I wanted something more intense so I used the Pam app again. And this time I got my sister in on it. Having someone to do it with made it easier and my goal successful. I would go over to her house and we would do the workouts together in her living room. It was really nice to have someone to do it with.

So everyday I would go over there and we would do 30-40 minutes of exercise. Reaching my original goal. And using the Pam app again while also logging the activity in Google Fit.

It was a really nice and encouraging thing to go and do that with someone else. Especially my sister. Being on my own having the goal was much harder than I thought it would be. And after it was done we would do something fun or just hangout and I started really looking forward to exercising with her. We discussed our goals for the year and did a lot to inspire each other.

So the next week I started to realize that what I wanted to do was pilates. I found a lot of pilates youtube videos which I had used every now and then since I was sixteen and just getting into exercise. They were gentle and easy while also feeling very meditative and relaxing. They were intense and hard to do but I felt it deep in my muscles, something I didn't really feel doing Pam's workouts.

This gave me so much more motivation knowing that I wouldn't be jumping around and getting really out of breath. This helped me maintain the behavior in a new way. I had been looking at exercise from a very intense rigid point of view. That it had to be hard, basically killer. Well I didn't learn from my foot injury earlier this summer that that is not always a good thing.

Pilates was fun and empowering. It made me really excited to workout. It even got me into doing yoga as soon as I woke up. A new habit that I was excited about. It was fun to enter into the google fit that I had done the 20-30 minutes of yoga and or pilates.

This week my sister went to chicago for five days so I didn't do as much as I would have had she been here. Which made me realize the trigger for the positive behavior was my sister and her house. Without it the drive to do it was very hard to muster.

But the next week I went through some emotional troubles in my life. I didn't feel like eating or really doing anything. I just did the bare minimum in my days and was extremely exhausted and would go to bed really early and sleep as late as possible before class.

My efforts to maintain the behavior did not stick as consistently. The weekend it was easy to pick up and get back on track. But during the week making time for it became tough and impossible.

I would stay up late doing homework that I had put off to the very last minute. So this made me press snooze on my alarm and sleep until I had to be out the door. Making my morning yoga disappear.

When my sister got back we did the workouts 2 more times before this blog was due. It was fun. We went outside to do it at a park. That was our agreement, every sunday we meet at the park and do our workout.

Now that l have done a long study on myself of about 6-7 weeks of trying to maintain a behavior I had found so easy to do just a few months ago, I realized a few things about myself. I realized that when I was consciously trying to reach a goal and thinking about how much time I would spend doing the workout, I immediately just didn't want to do it as much. It seemed more impossible imagining it before doing it as opposed to not giving it much thought. This tells me that thoughts take up brain power and space which takes up more energy than you thought possible. I also think that this semester, I am taking more credits than I ever have in college. So everyday I am very busy with things that I normally wouldn't be. On top of that one of them is Capstone. It's a demanding class because outside meetings take up time and energy out of my day I would have normally had to workout in previous semesters. I also think living alone in a tiny studio apartment has changed my habits and behaviors. It's been hard having to do so much cleaning since I don't have a dishwasher or a lot of space for an organized lifestyle as I did before. Each year you change as the environment around you changes. And that I believe is one of the biggest factors to consider when changing a behavior. And realizing the tiny little details of your life legitimately contribute to it and make up the majority. The little things count. All those little things grouped together make a big difference, bigger than big things.

But I seriously wonder who has it altogether and how? I see it. I see people who exercise for a long period of time everyday or almost everyday, take lots of classes, and have good grades and social activities. I want to know what their habits are. How to be more like that. I guess it will have to take a certain amount of discipline or a very long habit setting that incrementally gets harder after a month or so. Who knows though? Life can get pretty crazy and direct you away from your priorities.

Pam plan left Her workout search engine. Google fit journal is on the right

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sugarsubfairy · 2 years

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Suggestions/tips for over coming a binge?

yess there’s so many things i could say for this one, i’ll try and pick things that’ve helped me.

before binge (having urges):

1. change your environment/the state your body is in. this one is probably the most effective for me cause it helps to divert the mind away from the thoughts of binging in the short term at least. exercise is particularly effective for me. this could be anything from going for a walk, taking a shower, speaking to a friend/family member on the phone, splashing cold water on your face. these things help to take your body out of fight/flight mode and trust me they work if you put the effort in to do them.

2. write it down. maybe you could quickly write out a pros and cons list - write down the reasons you want to binge and then write down the reasons you don’t want to binge. i can assure you the latter list will be much longer and it can help deter you.

3. figure out your level of hunger. it’s good to identify whether you are genuinely hungry or having cravings. a way to do this is by being aware of your body - cravings usually come on suddenly and you feel them ‘above the neck’. like you will have a taste for only particular foods, and just want them in your mouth for the flavour. satisfying cravings can lead to binging (for me). next time you get cravings, let any urges wash over you until your next meal or snack. remind yourself it’s okay to have urges but tell yourself you are in control and do not have to act on them. however, real hunger comes on gradually and you feel it ‘below the neck’, in your stomach. it might rumble and feel empty. if this is the case you should eat something, ideally with protein (at least) and better yet with fibre and fat added for the satiety factor. this could be something like a sandwich made with whole grain bread, ham, salad and mayo or greek yoghurt with nuts/granola and honey etc. you should also make sure you’re eating 3 meals a day with 3 snacks (at similar times everyday if possible) to avoid feeling ravenous. plan them the night before if that makes it easier. but all in all don’t undereat otherwise you are setting yourself up to binge.

after binge:

1. don’t beat yourself up. the way you speak to yourself is important. imagine how you would speak to a friend or younger you - use that same compassion and forgiveness for yourself now. we all mess up sometimes, you’re not a failure and you deserve kindness. continue with your regular meals and snacks and forget it happened. the body is good at adjusting and bringing you back to equilibrium itself. one binge won’t hurt, so long as you don’t do ‘damage control’ like fasting or hours of cardio, you’ll be okay. the ‘damage control’ can actually do more damage as it can lead to another binge.

2. SELF CARE. even better if there’s light movement involved (good for digestion) - seriously though take a bath, clean your room, do some yoga (i love ‘yoga by uliana’ on youtube) in the garden now that the weather is nicer or in your living room, wherever there’s space. drink plenty of water, make yourself a tea (peppermint is great for bloating), take a walk, map out a meal plan for the week and start prepping.

3. again, write it down. write down the date and where you are. write down how you feel after the binge and how you felt before. take note of your surroundings, are there any people? were you alone? take note of your feelings, too. were you bored? upset? angry or irritated? do this everytime and log your binges, over time it can help you identify your triggers. self awareness is a valuable thing.

#asks #as someone who used to binge/purge multiple times a day everyday ti now only a couple times a week #just know it gets better #slowly but surely if you put the effort in #thank you for this ask i do love helping people with problems like this #cause i can relate first hand #and i also have a dietetics degree almost #any other eating/food related questions i’d be v happy to answer

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radlist · 1 year

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mom

Mother

Your words stab me like knives, or maybe more like skinny needles

I see your faults.. You dont think I do, but they shine bright in the gleaming ocean that is your personality

You are a devil in disguise. You try to be sweet, cover my expenses, act like you care, but where is the love for me when I am feeling down, depressed, bruised by the world?

Where is your love for me when I just go through a breakup of two years.. Where is the compassion?

“Aw young love… I was wondering when you were going to break up”

I am nothing like you, and I thank God for that everyday.

Do you have emotions?

Can you feel?

Or did you just mask everything up when dad died.

Plaster on a plastic smiley face and a chippery voice.

Why do you care so much about people who are so done with you.

Have you fed yourself so many lies you start to believe them.

I wonder what dad would think..

How he would tell me to cope with all of my sad emotions.

Would he tell me depression is not real and to just do yoga?

Would he make me feel bad for literally everything I do?

I don’t think so.

That’s why when I was little you would yell at me I would go to my room and cry to myself

And pray daddy would show up because I missed him so much.

I am half of you but I am also half of dad. What would he think? What would he say to me telling him im tired, sad, hurt.

I feel like I have wasted so much of my time and energy believing your stupid lies. Sometimes I wish you were dead. But then again youre the only person who seems to care for me in this silly world.

I am sad, frustrated at this life, yet I feed myself with the thoughts you would tell me.. “That is not ok, meditate, find God”

Did that really help you Mom?

I do not think so

You think it’s helped you

But truth is. There is no bullshit performance or mantra you can tell yourself to undo all the lies you feed yourself to stroke your ego about how you raised us.

And no amount of money or trips or anything can fix that.

Maybe it was fine when I was little. But not now and not ever was it OK.

God. Help me know anger, frustration, and sadness.

I pray I can sit in these feelings and wash off that disgusting plastic personality you have impeded on me for the past 20 years.

But the fact is I still love you and I could never hate you.

But still.. Fuck you.

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akaraboonline · 1 year

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What Real Couples Do on Sundays

Every week, Monday through Friday feels like an eternity. Then the weekend comes and goes so quickly that it's as if it never happened. You work all week, maybe go out on Saturday night, and before you know it, it's Sunday evening and time to go to bed and start all over again. That's why it's important for many people to make every Sunday special, whether that means doing something fun or being extremely productive. Sunday is also a great day for couples to slow down and enjoy each other's company. What Real Couples Do on Sundays Sleeping in: Many couples enjoy taking advantage of the weekend by catching up on some much-needed rest and relaxation. Sleeping in and lounging in bed together can be a great way to start the day. Enjoying a leisurely breakfast:

What Real Couples Do on Sundays Couples might enjoy making breakfast together or going out to a local cafe or diner for a delicious meal. This can be a great opportunity to bond and start the day off on a positive note. Taking a hike or walk: Couples might enjoy getting some fresh air and exercise by taking a hike or walk in a nearby park or nature reserve. This can be a great way to spend quality time together while also staying active and healthy. Doing a home project: Couples might enjoy tackling a home improvement project together, whether it's painting a room, gardening, or organizing a closet. This can be a productive and rewarding way to spend a Sunday. Going on a day trip:

What Real Couples Do on Sundays Couples might enjoy exploring a new city or town together for the day. This can be a fun and adventurous way to spend a Sunday and create new memories together. Having a lazy day: Sometimes couples might enjoy spending a day at home together, binge-watching a TV series, reading, or playing board games. This can be a great way to unwind and connect with each other without any pressure to be productive. Cooking together:

What Real Couples Do on Sundays Couples might enjoy cooking a meal together, trying out a new recipe or experimenting with a favorite dish. This can be a fun way to bond and create something delicious together. Going to a museum or art exhibit: Couples might enjoy spending a Sunday exploring a local museum or art exhibit. This can be a great way to learn something new together and appreciate the beauty and history of art and culture. Doing a workout class together: Couples might enjoy taking a fitness class together, such as yoga, Pilates, or spinning. This can be a great way to stay active and healthy while also spending quality time together. Going on a bike ride: Couples might enjoy renting bikes and exploring a nearby trail or park. This can be a great way to enjoy the outdoors and get some exercise together. Having a date night: Couples might enjoy ending their Sunday with a romantic date night, whether it's cooking a fancy meal together, going out to a nice restaurant, or seeing a movie. This can be a great way to end the weekend on a positive and loving note. Overall, there are many different ways that real couples might choose to spend their Sundays together. The key is to find activities and hobbies that both partners enjoy and to make time for each other amidst the busyness of everyday life. Read the full article

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benrunschicago · 1 year

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236 Days until Chicago

So much to cover, where to begin!

I became disconsolate when I saw my weight wasn’t budging and I felt big and heavy. There are two months until the next Army unit weigh-in, so I threw nearly everything out the door and said: I got to switch gears. The scale is stubbornly stuck on 91 kilos. In my mind I keep thinking: 15 seconds less per 5 pounds lost, if I lose 40 pounds that would be two minutes per mile, I’d be doing 10 minutes per mile as my easy Zone two pace.

I’ve done some things that should pay off in the long term: I cut out peanut butter, I cut out chocolate, and I eat a big fruit salad everyday with a dozen different types of fruit, nuts, seeds, bee pollen, yogurt, and honey.

But I’m not sure this will cut it. I think I ruined my metabolism by starving myself for previous Army weigh-in’s—sometimes eating a very small handful of real meals over the course of a month—and I think now the solution to fix that is maybe to rebuild my body and change my body composition.

So I spent last week 1) more body-weight exercises 2 do the Bigger Leaner Stronger plan, which is focused on the Big 3 moves: barbell squats, bench press, and dead lifts. Then 3) I wrote out my Army two-mile run program into a ten page infosheet.

As part of that I started doing it. I said, hey, sure, I certainly have built up an aerobic base this past month. I can start doing tempo runs for 10-20 minutes and get a good score in two months when we do the Army Combat Fitness Test.

The basic gist is you run close to your target speed for half a mile, while feeling like you are running “comfortably hard”. From there each time you can you try to add a quarter mile at the same speed. Once you achieve the two mile distance, you increase the speed slowly over time to the target speed. Then there, you once again continue to add more miles until you’re going at least twice as far as you need to. This link to the PDF here shows the whole plan.

I did this, and already it’s been a big boon for me:

My first day I chose 8.5 mph, or 7:04 pace. I did it for half a mile, and a half of a mile felt like a big stretch, but still relatively reasonable, a.k.a. comfortably hard. Mind you, my month and a half of base building I always ran 12:30 or 13:00 min/mile

Two days off

2nd day: hit my C goal, which is always to do as good as I did the previous time, then hit my B goal, which was to hit 0.75 miles at that speed. Next time, I said, I think I can hit 1 mile.

Two days off, plus one run of 7 miles in the park at easy pace.

3rd hard day (today): hit my C and B goals, which I felt confident doing and knew that I would be able to as soon as I hit the half mile mark and felt strong and fresh still. A goal is to go a little farther than I had planned. B goal : 1 mile, so A goal was 1.25. And I hit that and felt good. I even sped up the treadmill two clicks to 8.7 mph for the last quarter mile.

When I did the 7 mile run in the park, I surprised myself by being able to run leisurely and my mile times were dipping below 12:00. I guess speed is paying off already!

If I can truly change my body composition, then these speeds will be even easier to maintain. I looked at my wife and told her how the speed I ran today is the one I hope to run in seven and a half months! But for 25 miles longer.

What else is new?

I did so much toe yoga that I came close to getting a condition, so I backed off. This is related to how I had foot surgery and now that little toe feels useless.

Also I’m very excited to se me that the other big gym here has a few manual treadmills, which are perfect for learning how to run with good form!

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