#and my brain is going into full self destruct mode over this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

d1xonss · 6 months

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Desert Rose

Chapter 8 ~ Panic Room

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 1

✧ Word Count : 4.2k

In this chapter ~ When the group pushed even harder for answers about the outbreak as a whole, Jenner gives them the harsh and ugly truth. One that they clearly weren't expecting to hear. But the man didn't stop there as they were all suddenly locked inside the large building, the entire thing going into self-destruct mode. It left all of them terrified, wondering if there was any way out of the danger they seemed to walk right into.

"Give me a playback of TS-19." Jenner commanded out loud as he walked into the large room.

Our footsteps echoed around the giant space, filled with lines and lines of computers and a giant screen in the middle of the back wall on full display. Everything in here looked expensive and new, like there were many doctors and smart people in here at one point trying to do everything they could when the outbreak hit. I didn't miss the mess that lingered in different places when people obviously began to panic, not knowing how the hell to stop this or what exactly it was. But I hoped that after Jenner stayed here for months, maybe he had come up with some sort of answer.

Suddenly, seconds after Jenner spoke, there was video feedback of different 3-D views of human skulls on the giant screen right in front of us.

"Is that a brain?" Carl asks from beside his mother.

Jenner nodded, "An extraordinary one. Take us in for E.I.V."

The screen then showed the brain having all of these different little blue lights, glowing and flickering in every direction. The stemmed from the front and all the way around to the back, the mind itself looking alive right in front of our eyes. Jenner began to explain to all of us that the lights we see are a person's life, all of their experiences, basically all of the different things that make you unique. But I didn't miss his change in tone when he informed us that the person we were seeing had been bitten, and agreed to have all of this recorded and watched by others for learning purposes.

My eyes stayed firmly on the screen as the man rambled on and on it seemed like, nearly tuning him out as I watched all the once bright blue lights, slowly dim with each passing second. Though it only got faster once Jenner commanded the computer to fast forward through the footage, watching as the person slowly lost their life right before our very eyes. The brain then became completely dark as the person stopped moving, fast forwarding even further when something unexpected happened.

Once the person essentially came back to life, red lights suddenly appeared instead in only a certain part of the brain now. Showing all of us what happened to you after you turn is far worse than what we could even imagine.

"It restarts the brain?" Lori asked.

"You tell me." he replies as he gestured to the screen, watching us take it all in like he had probably done many times in the past, studying over every movement time and time again.

"It's not like before, most of that brain is dark." Rick states.

Jenner then says, "Dark, lifeless, dead. The frontal lobe, the neocortex, the human part, that doesn't come back. The you part. Just a shell driven by mindless instinct."

The screen then previews something suddenly hitting the brain right in the middle, before it all goes black again and the person stops moving completely.

"God. What was that?" Carol asked in shock.

My eyes scanned the person's entire head, looking at the object that was now lodged in the center, "He shot his patient in the head." I assumed, "Didn't you?"

He didn't answer me as he powered down the screen with the press of a button, clearly not wanting to relive the moment. There was something suddenly suspicious about the things he was dancing around, almost purposefully not answering.

"You have no idea what this is do you?" Andrea asked.

Jenner sighed, "It could be microbial, vial, parasitic, fungal."

"Or the wrath of God." Jacqui said under her breath.

"There is that." Jenner said before proceeding to tell us that he truly didn't have the answers we were looking for. He was almost just as clueless about this as any of us are, not having near as many answers as he wished. That only made me wonder what the hell he was doing these past few months if he wasn't trying to figure out what all this shit was. Was he just sitting on his ass in his fancy building, waiting for someone to come knocking and save him? I truly wanted to know.

"Man, I wanna get shitfaced drunk after this." Daryl muttered close to me.

I just nodded my head in response, not taking my eyes off the man as he continued talking, though I couldn't bring myself to pay attention. Coming here only seemed absolutely hopeless now knowing everything. We couldn't save Jim, and we would never know what all of this is, what it would all lead to in the future. The information he gave us was practically useless.

"Jenner, I know this has been taxing you and I hate to ask one more question, but that clock, it's counting down. What happens at zero?" Dale suddenly asked, bringing all of our attention to the big red numbers ticking to our left.

The man grew silent for a moment, shifting from side to side as he visibly grew uncomfortable, "The...basement generators run out of fuel...the power runs out." he eventually explained vaguely.

"And then?" I asked.

Jenner ignored me again. Dick. Before starting to just walk out of the room as if the conversation was anywhere near done.

"VI what happens when the power runs out?" Rick asked the computer.

"When the power runs out, facility–wide decontamination will occur." VI responded, a robotic voice coming through the speakers.

We all looked around at each other in slight confusion, not really knowing what that meant and Jenner was already too far gone to explain any of it. Almost as if he didn't want us to know. That alone caught the attention of a few of the guys as they began to quickly leave the room to figure out what the hell was going on, down towards the basement like Jenner mentioned. Daryl was about to leave my side to follow them out, but turned back to me almost as if he forgot something.

"Grab your stuff, get ready to leave." he told me urgently.

I nodded absentmindedly as I watched him turn around again to leave, before rushing in the other direction to head back towards the many lined up rooms. The door practically flew open with the amount of force I used, not wasting anymore time as I gathered the rest of my things, the books that I had picked out, and a few bottles of water that were scattered around the space. I fucking knew that something bad was going to happen, I should've bet on it. Something had been off since the beginning and I didn't say a damn thing about it, how could I have let this just fly over my head like that without taking it more seriously.

I seemed to pause mid step as I frantically walked around the room as the power went out in a split second, leaving me in the dark, and I didn't hesitate to pick up my pace. I blindly hauled the rest of my stuff over my shoulders and grabbed Daryl's bag along with his crossbow and quickly made it back out of the space.

By the time I rushed back into the giant room we were huddled in, everyone had come back and started hounding Jenner with question after question, all of them he seemed to be avoiding. I fully walked into the area hesitantly upon the scene and I saw Daryl's shoulders relax the second he saw me again, his brows still furrowed in concern.

He then rushed over to me rather quickly, "What the hell took ya so long?" he asked, his tone blunt and angry.

I stood there for a second before handing him his things, "Sorry?" I asked in disbelief.

It hit him then what he sounded like and he quickly shook his head, "I-...sorry, I'm just..." he trailed off, not knowing how to describe the obvious fear he was feeling.

But I understood what he was saying without even having to hear it, nodding to him as he didn't need to finish his thought for me to know. I myself was feeling the same way as I tried to calm my nerves, disregarding all the many things that could go wrong in here even though they might've been true.

For every question that Jenner was avoiding, the harder it was for me to remain calm. There was a conversation happening in front of Daryl and I that he seemed to be listening intently to, but I wasn't. I couldn't. I just tried to focus on my breathing, my heartbeat growing loud in my ears as I was trying to not completely freak out. Panic attacks weren't a new thing to me, but I definitely would rather die than have one in front of a crowd of people.

Then Rick suddenly snapped when he wasn't getting anywhere with Jenner, "Everyone grab your things, we're getting out of here now!" he yelled.

He didn't have to tell me twice. I instantly started to walk out on instinct along with everyone else, but a sudden alarm began blaring loudly the second we moved it seemed like, and the door slammed shut right in front of my face, locking us in. Okay if I thought I was feeling claustrophobic before, then what the hell was I feeling now?

"Did you just lock us in? Guys he just locked us in!" Glenn shouted in panic.

"Yeah, no shit." I muttered in disbelief, my eyes wide as I scanned the thick metal door in front of me.

My breathing started to become heavier after Glenn said that, making the situation only more real and far worse, and Daryl quickly took notice from my right. He suddenly whipped around to the man responsible and ran up to him in a split second, "You son of a bitch! You locked us in here!" he screamed.

He tried to tackle the man but Rick and Shane stopped him by pulling him back harshly by the arms. I dropped my backpack to the ground absentmindedly, starting to walk back and forth in the giant room that only seemed to be getting smaller, trying to steady my racing heart but nothing seemed to be working. We were really trapped in here, with a timer counting down the minutes to God only knows what.

Glenn quickly seemed to watch me frantically moving back and forth from right next to him and gently grabbed me so I would come to a stop, pulling me into him in attempts to calm me down. But it only seemed to make things worse, feeling his arms shaking around me only proving just how scared he was too. How nervous we all seemed to be of the unknown.

It was then Jenner started to yell, having been fed up with the many voices demanding him for answers and the people beginning to attack him every two seconds. The serious man finally reached his breaking point just as he pushed us to ours.

"Do you know what this place is?!" he snapped, "We protected the public from very nasty stuff! Weaponized smallpox! Ebola strains that could wipe out half the country! Stuff you don't want getting out! Ever!"

We were all left to a stunned silence at his outburst, watching as he took a breath and sat back down in his chair, leaving the painful silence all around us. Daryl's eye seemed to catch with mine from across the room and gave me a look I had never seen from him before whilst I was still slightly shaking in Glenn's arms, hating the idea of being trapped.

Jenner then continued, "In the event of a catastrophic power failure in a terrorist attack, for example, H.I.T.S are deployed to prevent any organisms from getting out."

"H.I.T.S?" Rick questioned.

Jenner glanced at him, "VI, define." he commanded.

"H.I.T.S- High-impulse thermobaric fuel-air explosives consist of a two stage aerosol ignition that produces a blast heat wave of significantly greater power and duration than any other known explosive."

I froze. All I could hear in that moment was Glenn's quickened heartbeat, Carol and Sophia holding each other sobbing, and the rest of the men getting very angry as if it was the only emotion they knew how to feel. Not only were we left trapped in here, but we were also going to die. We were all going to die without even having really lived, and he just seemed to brush past it without a care in the world. Not even considering to bring it to any of our attention before this, and I couldn't have been more angry with him.

Before I knew what was happening Daryl and Shane brushed past us in a hurry, trying to break the door open by hitting it repeatedly with axes they had somehow found along the way. I slightly pushed away from Glenn to walk over towards Jenner to try and hear anything other than ringing in my ears. But I didn't get very far as I felt someone suddenly hug me from around my waist and I looked down to see Carl holding onto me tightly. He was still crying profusely, and I quickly got down on my knees to hug him in return, trying to offer him some type of support as his fear must've been petrifying.

This isn't the way it should go. I felt utterly hopeless, I knew we wouldn't be getting out of here unless Jenner decided so, and by the looks of it he wasn't budging. Even with Rick kept trying to convince him every passing second.

"Can't make a dent." Shane said breathlessly to all of us as he took a break from trying to tear down the door.

"Those doors are designed to withstand a rocket launcher." Jenner informed.

"Well you're head ain't!" Daryl yelled while coming at Jenner with an axe, Shane and Rick having to step in once more to stop him again from doing anything rash.

If we weren't about to die, I probably would've laughed at his witty comeback, but Carl's quiet sobs reminded me of the state of the situation and now was not the time. I continued to rub his back reassuringly to try and calm him somehow as I watched the scene unfold in front of me over his shoulders.

Jenner kept trying to convince all of us that this was for the best, and there would be no pain when we all die in here together. But the truth was I didn't want to die, not now, nor did I want anyone else in here to have the same exact fate. And clearly we all were in firm agreement with how much everyone was losing their shit. Reacting in different ways to Jenner's psychotic behavior, anger, sadness, and panic, yet it was all completely the same. Fear. It always seemed to come back didn't it?

Lori came up to me to take Carl back into her arms and just held him for our last few moments while she finally let her own tears fall, realizing it was all hopeless. But Rick clearly wasn't ready to give up. I watched him pick apart the man, digging down as deep as he could to try and convince him to just let us make our own decision on this. That we all deserved a right to choose what we wanted our fate to be instead of it being forced upon us like this. That maybe there was still some hope out there for us to find.

And then suddenly, he broke. The man didn't say a word, not a single word as he silently walked over to a control panel, typing in a few numbers that sent the metal door flying open. Daryl, who was still trying to break through, nearly ate shit when it opened quickly as he still swung the weapon over and over again. But he recovered fast as he whipped around to grab his stuff from off the ground.

"Come on!" he yelled to the rest of us.

I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding once it hit me that it was real. He was letting us go. My legs had never moved so fast as I sprinted towards the door, grabbing my things along the way and making sure everyone else made it through the door before me as I pushed them through to the other side.

But I quickly noticed as I looked back that Jaqui and Andrea were staying behind with Jenner, leaving Dale shocked beyond repair. He wanted to save her, I could tell by his eyes how much he cared for her, but he knew there was nothing he could do to convince her, so he stayed too. The sight alone caused my mouth to drop at how many people we seemed to be losing, one after another. Each of them fell just like dominos.

My eyes wouldn't pull away from them, wanting them to come with us but knowing I couldn't do or say anything to change their minds. After all, what could I say? They thought their chance of surviving out there was slim, and they were terrified of walkers potentially tearing them to shreds, that's not how they wanted to go. And as much as it might've pained me, I could also understand that too.

Heavy footsteps from behind me were slapping loudly on the ground below, approaching me in record speed but I ignored it for a second, wanting to get one last look at their faces before I made my own decision too.

"Hey, come on, let's go." Daryl said from right behind my head while grabbing my sleeve to pull me along.

I looked at him with a twinge of sadness in my eyes, but nodded and followed him out the door towards the main entrance, not looking back.

The two of us flew towards the front doors where everyone else was waiting, watching from a distance as some of the guys were trying to break the windows with axes and any other type of weapon they could find. I recalled Jenner saying something about not being able to open the front doors again, but it's not like any of us minded that. Where there's a will, there's a way.

But nothing was working as they continued to struggle, the glass being too thick to cut through easily, that is until Carol approached Rick as she dug through her bag, "I think I have something that will help." she said.

"Carol, I don't think a nail file is gonna do it." Shane said in frustration.

I blinked. Really?

She ignored him, "Back at camp when I was washing your clothes, I found this in your pocket." she said as she pulled out a grenade with shaking hands.

My eyes widened at the random object. Yeah, I think that'll do it.

Rick then took it from her and told everyone to get down once he placed it by the window. I ducked and covered the back of my neck with my hands when, at the last minute, I felt another body covering mine. Once the window shattered, I looked up to see it was Daryl and he quickly grabbed my hand and practically dragged me out the window as fast as possible with everyone following close behind.

We all took down as many walkers as we could as we made our way back to the cars quickly, breathing heavily with adrenaline coursing through our bodies. I got into the passenger side of the truck and slammed the door shut, Daryl's movements only mirroring mine as he didn't waste a single second before getting in too. I found myself looking back at the building once more, just in time to see Andrea and Dale making it out of the window at the last minute and diving to take cover right before the explosion.

I ducked down in anticipation to shield myself once again, only seconds away from the ignited fire before it rang out loudly in my ears. I felt the heat of the explosion blow in our direction along with the smoke that came after that, perishing whatever was left inside. Daryl sat up after a few seconds of silence had passed and I got up slowly after him looking to see Andrea and Dale quickly making their way into the RV, with the building burning behind them.

I sat there in shock, trying to process everything that went down in the last thirty minutes. It all seemed to happen so fast.

"Hey, ya okay?" Daryl asked once he collected his own thoughts.

I didn't look at him, but I nodded my head to show that I heard him, even if my answer was far from the truth. But then I felt his hand, slowly and hesitantly falling on my shoulder as if he was scared to touch me.

"Look at me." he said in a soft voice.

My eyes moved over to him slowly to make sure I wasn't just imagining things. Seeing him worried and speaking in such a soft tone was a weird new thing to experience, almost weirder than what we just went through seconds ago. He was being so genuine it seemed unnatural...but not in a bad way.

"I'm okay." I finally muttered.

I didn't think he believed me, not for a second, but before he could protest more the cars in front of us started to move, leaving him not much of a choice as he quickly started up the vehicle to follow. I sat completely still while we drove in silence, just thinking. I didn't want Jacqui to stay, leaving someone behind for dead was something I never thought we'd do. But I tried to tell myself that she was at peace and wouldn't suffer in this cruel world anymore.

We had been driving for hours and I could tell that the sun would start setting soon enough and we would have to find somewhere to stay for the night. It frustrated me slightly that we had to start all over with finding a safe place to stay, although I didn't have a lot of faith in the CDC, it still would've been nice to hole up there for a little while. Better than mindlessly wandering place after place only to be left with nothing we could rely on.

"Did ya wanna stay?" Daryl suddenly asked.

Although I barely heard the question fall from his lips because it was more of a whisper, yet I was still taken off guard at his question. Was that what he thought I wanted? I didn't want him or anyone to think I wanted to stay merely because I stopped for a moment to look at the others. I wanted to save them, but I didn't want to join them.

I quickly answered him, "God no..." I breathed shakily, "No...I didn't."

He looked over at me, trying to see if I was lying to him, "Then why did I have to pull ya outta there?"

"You didn't have to pull me out of there, I just-," I stopped myself to figure out how to phrase what I wanted to say, "I...almost wanted to take one last look at the others. It was the last time we were ever going to see Jacqui." I said.

He remained silent for a while after that. I began to think that my explanation was just stupid to him since he didn't utter another word, but it was true. I didn't want to just forget about her or forget her face, so I stayed for a few seconds longer because it was somewhat important to me.

"Don't do that shit" he suddenly spoke after a few minutes of awkward silence.

I turned to him in confusion, "Do what shit?" I asked.

"Don't scare me like that" he responded.

My eyebrows raised in slight shock. Scare him? The man that wasn't afraid of anything, not scared to tear someone's head off or take out an army of walkers before him. But I scared him? I almost didn't think I heard him right. "Sorry." I said simply, a smile creeping to my face.

He returned the smile and turned back to the road, "S' fine." he muttered.

"Why do you care?" I found myself asking.

He only looked at me with a blank expression, so I clarified, "I mean you don't know me that well at all...why does it matter to you if I wanted to stay or not?"

His eyes focused back on the road, and he started to chew on his bottom lip slightly while his mind was elsewhere. It didn't seem like that deep of a question but he sure as hell was taking his time thinking about it.

"Well, if yer part of the group now...means I gotta watch yer ass just like everyone else." he said with annoyance clear in his voice.

My heart sank a little at his words, but what did I expect? I guess I was a little flattered when he said that I had scared him, and maybe there was a part of me that thought about what it would be like if I was a little more important to him. I'm not a saint, okay? It crossed my mind. But clearly that wasn't the case.

I didn't say another word in response to that because I truly didn't know what else to say, only moving to press play on the Metallica cd that we listened to yesterday and began to stare out the window, trying to think about something else. I wanted the CDC to be a distant memory and nothing more, but the questioned remained as I watched the city get smaller and smaller. Where the hell do we go from here?

~ Thanks for reading!

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thewayofthemandalorian · 2 years

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nothing new - oneshot

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x F!Reader

Rating: M

Summary: After helping him with yet another breakup, your already fragile friendship with Dieter Bravo nearly reaches its breaking point.

Word count: 5,164

Notes: I’m back a little bit early! This idea came to me the other day and I wanted to write it ASAP. There is angst in this and Dieter’s a shitty friend, but he makes up for it. In this version he’s not an actor but a trust fund baby, but is still a mess.

This fic is cross-posted to AO3 under the same name and my taglist can be found linked in my bio as well as my masterlist which is linked below.

Warnings: Loneliness, angst, friends to lovers, food mention, alcohol mention, jealousy, swearing, bad friendships, arguments, kissing, reference to sex, reference to drugs

masterlist (main) || masterlist (dieter bravo)

“Why would she break up with me, though?” Dieter asks, shoveling a massive bite of ice cream into his mouth. It’s four in the morning. You’ve been in crisis mode for the past six hours. It seems like your job is saving Dieter from crisis and not his best friend most days. After four years it’s getting a bit tiresome. But you do it all the same. Even if he never does the same for you. It’s not about that.

You know exactly why Anika Novik, his girlfriend of the past–you rack your brain–six months (Dieter’s personal record since college, where his longest relationship had been a whopping ten months), broke up with him. It’s the same reason all of his girlfriends and boyfriends break up with him, or he with them. You’re not going to tell him why, not wanting to rock the boat. “Did she say why?” you ask instead.

Dieter shakes his head and grabs a Kit-Kat from his pocket. Breaking it, he puts them in his bowl of ice cream. Well, there are other, more self-destructive ways that Dieter can and has dealt with breakups. Lord knows you’ve seen all of them. You should be grateful that he’s eating his feelings and not snorting them or fucking them away like he has in the past. “She said I needed to be more sensitive. Whatever the fuck that means.”

You hold your tongue, knowing exactly what Anika means. Dieter’s not known for being the most… tactful of people. Especially when it comes to his partners. You know he’s just looking for a connection, that you maybe shouldn’t be this hard on him, even mentally. But sometimes he’s even been not so sensitive towards you.

It’s been an odd friendship that you and Dieter have. You’re always willing to drop everything for him because he’s usually a good friend when he puts in the effort. Usually.

You look at the time and sigh internally. “I’d love to stay up and chat more and figure out the mystery that is women’s minds, but I have to be at the courthouse in like four hours.”

Dieter rolls his eyes. “Of course you do. You and work.”

You have no idea what the fuck that means. “Yes, Dieter. Not all of us are trust fund babies.”

Dieter pushes himself off his chair. “Okay, you go sleep or do whatever it is you need to do. I’ll take care of everything here and head out.”

You narrow your eyes. He’s never taken care of anything in his life. But you’re too tired to make that argument. Shuffling off to bed, you know it’s not going to be easy getting to sleep. It never is when Dieter decides to show up. You can go days, full weeks even, when he doesn’t contact you. At first, he’d been on you all the time. Claiming to be best friends and everything. But as time’s passed, you’re beginning to realize more and more that you’re the backup friend. The failsafe in case no one else wants to deal with his ass.

For all the liveliness Dieter Bravo has, he sure has a knack for making you feel lonely when you’re with him.

It’s an endless cycle with him, a revolving door of being ignored or looked over for extended periods of time and thinking that you need to drop his ass like so many of your other friends have suggested. But when he does remember, when he does deign to talk to you and hang out with you, he makes you feel like the greatest person in the world. Most of the time.

You don’t know what to do. But this has been your life for six years. Since senior year of college. Always the life of the party, even then. The two of you have been in each others’ lives ever since; he even helped pay for your law school degree. And it wasn’t long before you noticed his revolving door of partners. You don’t know if it’s because you planted yourself firmly in the friendzone and made him perfectly aware, but he never once has hit on you or suggested that you try the whole dating thing with him. And then he would disappear or only interact with you when he felt like it. When he didn’t have anyone else to talk to.

And you’re a giver. You have been since you were a little girl. Having a need to please everyone. You give and give and give and give until you have nothing left. And Dieter is a taker.

You hear the door shut as Dieter leaves.

When you get up a few hours later, the kitchen is as exactly as you left it.

- - - -

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury –”

Buzz. Buzz.

You attempt to continue in your closing statement. “My client, Tara Potts –”

Buzz. Buzz.

You glance at the Assistant District Attorney, who is also your friend and can clearly hear your phone. She shakes her head. Keep going, Jen mouths, giving you a thumbs up.

The buzzing in your pocket stops. And then it starts again. Sighing internally, you just hope that no one else can hear it. And that it doesn’t try to jump out of your skirt’s pocket.

Once the jury has been sent to deliberation, you pull out your phone. You have twelve new texts and three missed calls from Dieter. Jesus Christ.

“Heyyyy,” he says when you call him back.

You’re not in the mood. “You know not to call me when I’m in court,” you snap. It’s the one rule that you have that’s hard and fast. You’re still the most junior attorney in the firm, you need to prove yourself. You’re glad that Jen, the ADA and partner in the firm, is also a long-time friend.

“Cool your jets, ace attorney,” Dieter chuckles. “Was just going to see if you wanted to go to that new bar that opened up tonight. We can be each others’ hype man. I’m ready to go on the prowl again.”

You hold back your sigh. It’s been over a week since you last saw Dieter. You try not to miss him when he’s too busy to talk to you. “Isn’t it a bit too—?”

“Too soon?” he interrupts. “Anika didn’t love me. And I didn’t love her. I thought I did. But maybe that’s why she ended things. It wasn’t meant to be.”

You refrain from reminding him that he’s said that about his last seven partners. “I guess. It’ll have to do with the case.”

You also don’t know if you can stand being Dieter’s hype-woman. He never hypes you up in the way that you want or need him to. Never talks you up the way you talk him up. It always ends the same. Maybe tonight will be different though.

You almost believe it.

“That’s a yes, right?”

You exhale. “Fine.”

Boundaries are something that come easy to you when it’s other people. You’re able to establish them well, firmly setting them in place. Once upon a time, it had been the same with Dieter. But he’s not a person who’s been told many times in his life. And then there’s the other thing.

You’ve been in love with him for the past year. And you know if you move out of your self-imposed friendzone, it’s only a matter of time before he drops you.

Jen would tell you to dump his ass regardless. She and Nikki, the paralegal for the firm, have both made their opinions of your ersatz friendship with him very clear. “He’s using you, babe,” Nikki had told you over cocktails last week when you had vented to them at happy hour. “You’re like his own personal emotional support toy.” She frowns. “I don’t know where I was going with that. You know what I’m trying to say.”

You had frowned. “It’s not like that,” you argued. Your argument was weak, even to your ears.

“Yes! You won’t regret it.” You already do a little bit. Because he won’t even consider you. You know that’s partially your fault. But even if he does, it’s only a matter of time until your novelty will wear off as a prospective partner.

You spot Jen across the foyer. “Hey, are you busy tonight?” you ask, falling into step next to her.

“Family thing with my cousin, why?”

Playing cool, you shrug. “No reason. Just wondering.”

Her eyes narrow at you. “You have that look. The ‘I just talked to the dumbass and he got me to do something for him’ look.”

She’s too smart for her own good. “He’s not a dumbass,” you say.

“No. Just an asshole who’s using you. What is it this time? No, don’t tell me. I need to go into this vacation calm and collected.”

Can’t say you blame her. “It might be different this time,” you say.

Jen gives you the look she reserves for the very dumb witnesses and defendants taking the stand. “Girl. You’ve been saying that for the past year. Possibly more.” Changing tacks, she says, “Listen. It sucks. He sucks. Friends are supposed to build each other up not make you feel like shit. You’re amazing at defending the innocent. You’re so good with putting others first. But it isn’t selfish to put yourself first every now and again.”

You absorb her words. “Have a good weekend with your cousin,” you say.

- - - -

Your uber pulls up at the club at eight-fifteen. As always, you’re here first. Dieter will either be right behind you or be hours late or forget entirely. You snag a table and order a whiskey sour. Something tells you you’re going to need it.

Nursing your drink, you take in the crowd. It’s probably too early to get a definitive vibe of the crowd. Most folks probably won’t come until later.

Jen’s words from earlier stick in your brain. It wouldn’t hurt to re-establish some boundaries. You can tell him how you feel. How lonely you feel in his presence. How you feel like the failsafe, the backup. The afterthought. And if he doesn’t like it, well then too bad.

Easier said than done.

As you’re ruminating, you feel a pair of eyes on you. Glancing across the room, you see a man at the bar. He’s cute. Tall, dark hair, the beginnings of a beard. He catches you watching him watch you and he raises his glass to you. You return the gesture and he makes his way over to your table.

“No woman as pretty as you should be drinking alone,” he starts.

Your face warms. “I’m not alone,” you counter, gesturing at him. “But also I’m waiting for my friend.”

The man frowns at your pinched expression at the mention of your friend but he doesn’t know you. “Well, I’ll keep you company until he shows up. Unless I’m way out of line here. You’re well within your rights to tell me to fuck off.”

You laugh. “I am a lawyer so I’d do it in legal jargon.”

“Cute and smart. You got a name, or should I just call you Ally McBeal?”

You laugh and tell him your name, and he’s about to tell you yours when Dieter arrives. “Hey,” he says, his voice hard.

“Oh, hey, Deet. This is…” you gesture to the man sitting in what’s supposed to be Dieter’s seat.

He looks between you, sensing something off. But he’s not going to say anything to this woman he just met. “Matt. You must be the friend.”

“Yeah. I’m the friend.”

What’s got him in a mood tonight?

“Well, Ally, it was nice to meet you. You, too, dude.” The man gets up from his seat, pushing a napkin towards you.

Dieter takes no time in taking the seat that Matt just vacated. You pick up the napkin and fold it over and over again. “What’s wrong with you?” you ask.

“That guy is a perv.”

You scoff. “Dieter, I’m a lawyer. I think I would have picked up on that if that were the case. He was just keeping me company while I was waiting for you.”

“Yeah, guess you don’t need my help hyping you up,” he mutters. And it stings.

Dieter’s needy. Always has been. You could be the peacekeeper, the placater, but you remember Jen’s words. “That’s why we came here, right? So you could go on the prowl. Never said anything about me not going on the prowl either. Also, I need to talk to you about something.”

A waiter comes to the table to take Dieter’s order. “A double whiskey. Neat.”

You remember Dieter when he was a good friend. And you miss that time in your life. “Dieter.”

His eyes land back on you. “Yeah?” The waiter comes back with Dieter’s drink and his eyes wander around the room again, landing on a girl sitting in the corner with a group of friends. “Holy shit.”

“What? What is it?” Fearing the worst.

Dieter turns his attention back to you for the briefest of moments. “That’s Kate Grimley. She’s the perfect girl for me,” he proclaims. “Could you imagine her and I as a power couple? Her showing up on my arm at events?” His eyes glaze over at the image he’s presented. And for a second, you’re glad that you and he don’t have a chance.

“I don’t think that’s the best reason to ask someone out. I hardly think she’d want to be a trophy.”

Dieter waves you off and takes a drink of his whiskey. “Yeah, right. She’s the perfect girl for me. What did you wanna talk to me about?”

You’re not going to sweep it under the rug, not going to bottle it up. “Never mind. It’s nothing. Why don’t you go talk to her?”

Goddammit.

He nods and, taking his whiskey with him, goes over to the girl’s table. Leaving you alone. Again. He seems to hit it off with her pretty quick. He doesn’t need you to be his wingwoman. Ordering an uber, you close your tab and look down at the napkin in your hands. It has writing on it you notice. A phone number.

You put it in your purse and slink out of the club without so much as another glance in Dieter’s direction.

On the ride home, Dieter’s text tone goes off. Where’d you go? :(

For the first time in your friendship, you leave it on read.

- - - -

Over the next few weeks, you only answer Dieter’s texts here and there. You keep avoiding his requests to hang out, claiming to be busy with a case. It isn’t a complete lie. It’s Jen’s case, but you’re pitching in as well. And in your down time, you hang out with Jen and Nikki and begin to prioritize yourself.

One day when you’re cleaning your apartment, something you’ve put off for a while, there’s a knock on the door. Turning off your audiobook, you go to the door, looking through the peephole. It’s Dieter, holding two Starbucks cups.

You sigh and open the door. The vacuum had been on just a second ago so he knows you’re here. “Hey.”

“Did I do something?” he asks. “You barely talk to me anymore.”

Opening and closing your mouth several times in quick succession, you flounder for an answer. “I’ve been busy with work, you know that.”

“No, don’t give me that bullshit. I miss my best friend and we hardly hang out anymore. We used to all the time.”

A lump forms in your throat. You thought this version of Dieter had been gone. The version that cared about his friends beyond just using them. “I’m sorry,” you say and then immediately curse yourself. You have nothing to apologize for.

“It’s all good. I know you’re busy with becoming the best attorney LA’s ever seen. Doesn’t mean we can’t chill in the down low.” He holds up a cup. “Brought you your favourite.”

He sits on the couch with you, and you chat about things that aren’t deep. “How are things going with Kate?” you ask.

Dieter grumbles something and swirls the coffee around in his cup. “She’s too busy to date at the moment. She’s going to let me know when something in her schedule clears up, though.” He takes a sip and says, “I don’t think she realizes what she’s missing out on. She’s giving me the run-around.”

You rub your eyes in annoyance. “Try giving her the benefit of the doubt. She didn’t say no. She said not just now.”

“Yeah. Maybe you’re right. It’s only been a few weeks. And she’s still responding to my texts and everything.”

He leaves shortly after that, having to go to a board meeting. As you return to your cleaning, you find the napkin that has Matt’s number on it. Fuck it.

Hey, I know it’s been a while. It’s “Ally McBeal.”

The three dots pop up almost immediately.

A week later and some more strong communication with Dieter, you find yourself at a cafe with Matt. You didn’t tell Dieter about this. He doesn’t need to know. Jen knows all about it though.

Dieter presses the call button, strolling down the sidewalk, eager to tell you his news.

The ringing of your phone interrupts your story. “Sorry, I’m just going to see who it is.” You pull the phone from your purse. It’s Dieter. “Not important. They can leave a message.”

A minute later, your phone rings again. It’s Dieter again.

“If you have to answer it, that’s okay. Don’t let me keep you from anything,” offers Matt.

You shake your head. “It’s fine.” You press the decline call button and put it on do not disturb as well. “What were you saying?” you ask

Dieter frowns as the call is suddenly dropped. He’s just about to try again when he sees you in the window of a coffee shop. You’re smiling at something, someone. God, your smile. He doesn’t deserve you, he really doesn’t. He doesn’t know how you put up with all his bullshit. Maybe that’s why he’s felt you pulling away some in recent weeks. It isn’t jealousy, he knows that. Perhaps the inevitable has finally come. You’re tired of his shit. But he still wants to tell you his good news, so he walks into the cafe.

And sees you sitting with the perv from the bar. He doesn’t like it. Doesn’t like the way that this dude is looking at you like you’re something to eat.

“Hey.” He makes himself known.

Reluctantly, you turn in your chair. “Dieter. What are you doing here?” You lace your voice with enough for him to intuit that you don’t want him here right now.

“I…” Dieter stalls, thinking of something to say. “I need you to come with me right now.”

You balk. “I’m kind of busy right now. Can it wait?”

Dieter shakes his head. “It’s urgent.”

Matt, ever the gentleman, steps in. He knows exactly where your friend fits into all this. Knows what neither of you want to admit to each other or yourselves. “It’s cool. I have to get back to the office soon, anyway.”

Before you can say anything, Matt stands, leaves a twenty on the table and offers you a tight smile. Silence falls between you and Dieter for a full thirty seconds.

“What the fuck, Dieter?” you ask. “What was so important that you needed to interrupt my date?”

Dieter knows he fucked up. It was a low thing to do. But he doesn’t know what came over him. It’s a new sensation, one he can’t describe.

“Well? It better be a damn good reason,” you prompt looking expectantly at him.

Dieter’s mouth goes dry. You’ve never dressed like this for him before. “I… uh… Kate finally got back to me. We’re going out on Saturday night.”

You blink slowly. “You mean to tell me that you broke up my date, with a perfectly nice guy, to tell me that you got a date with a girl you just want as arm candy?”

Dieter blanches at your cold, seething fury. He fucked up all right. “Well, uh, when you put it like that…”

You scoff, grab your purse and walk out of the cafe, into the park where you hope you can evade him. He’s quick on your heels.

“Will you just hear me out?” he asks.

The laugh that escapes you is bordering on manic. “What is there to hear out?” you ask.

“That guy is bad news.”

You shake your head. “You just don’t want to admit that you’re jealous. You’re jealous that your failsafe is paying attention to someone else and you don’t like it when all the attention isn’t on you.” You’re so right, Dieter realizes. And so wrong at the same time. He doesn’t know what you mean when you say that you’re a failsafe. But he is jealous. Of what, he doesn’t know. But he doesn’t have time to explain himself. “You’re a dick, David.”

In all the years you’ve known him, you’ve never once used his government name when addressing him. If you’re using his real name, you must be livid.

You turn on your heel and walk away from him. Leaving him behind.

- - - -

Dieter calls and texts and sends emails and messages and every sort of modern method of communication. You don’t respond to any of them. He knows he fucked up with you. On more than one count. But he can’t figure out what it is that you’re so mad about. Sure he broke up the date, but he had a bad feeling about Matt. Something he still can’t put his finger on. The jealousy, too.

Still, he can’t focus on it for too long because he has a date to get to.

He meets Kate at an up-and-coming restaurant. She’s dressed in a nice black dress, her makeup done and her hair down in waves. She’s pretty, but she’s not on your level of pretty.

Over appetizers, Dieter struggles to find something to talk about. It’s always so easy to talk to you. Or at least it was.

It hits him like a ton of bricks as Kate talks about something he has no interest in. It’s you. He wants you. He likes you.

“...hear a thing I just said?” Kate asks.

Dieter blinks. “What? Sorry. Um. I’m going to be honest with you, Kate. You’re really nice and you’re hot as fuck but I don’t think this is going to work out. I’m sorry.”

Kate frowns. “Hang on. This whole thing was what you wanted. You kept asking me and asking me to go out with you. And now you don’t want to?”

“Something like that, yeah. It’s not you, I promise.”

She scoffs. “Whatever.”

Dieter waves down the server. “We’re done here,” he says, handing over his black card. Leaving a hefty tip, he says to Kate, “I promise, it isn’t anything to do with you.”

Kate rolls her eyes and says nothing.

Hailing the nearest cab, he tells the driver the address of your apartment. He needs to see you. Needs to make things right. Tell you everything.

The knock on the door comes just after eight-thirty. You ignore it. The knock comes louder.

Going to the door, you see that it’s Dieter. “Go away!”

He’s not giving up that easily. “Please just let me explain everything.”

Against your better judgment, you open the door. “Fine. Come in. And I reserve the right to kick you out at any time.”

Dieter follows you into the living room, sitting on the couch. You look at him, half-expectantly half-annoyed. “I’ve been an asshole,” he starts.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” you grumble.

Licking his lips he continues. “I was on my date with Kate earlier tonight and I realized something. The entire time, I wanted it to be you. You were right. I am jealous of Matt. I’m jealous that you were spending time with him and not me… on a date.”

You can’t be hearing this right. “Dieter, what are you saying?” you ask, managing to keep your voice level.

“It’s you. It’s always been you. And I know that… you don’t want to go down that route, you just want to be friends, but—”

“I’m in love with you, you idiot,” you interrupt him. You don’t sound happy about it, though.

Dieter’s heart jumps into his throat. “Then why—why were you on a date with that guy?”

You scoff, your eyes hard and shiny with unshed tears. “Because I’m trying to move on from you. You have such a revolving door of partners. As soon as you’re bored with someone, you drop them or make them drop you so that you can move on to the next shiny, new toy. Dieter, I don’t think I could handle it if you did that to me. You already treat me like a failsafe.”

There’s that word again. “What do you mean by that, exactly?” he asks, dreading the answer.

“You…” Your voice cracks and you try again, all the things you’ve kept bottled up inside of you spilling out. “You only call me up when you need or want something and everyone else is busy. I’m the failsafe. And sometimes you’re such a terrible fucking friend to me. You take and you take and you take and you take. You never give, you’re always taking advantage of my giving nature. The only time you give is when you want something in return. You’re an asshole.”

Dieter doesn’t defend himself, doesn’t try to deny what you accuse him of. He just listens and takes it. Because you’re right. Of course you’re right. Taking a deep breath, he says, “I know. You’re right. And I’m so, so sorry I treated you that way. I’m sorry you had to deal with that for so long. I’m sorry for how I’ve dealt with my feelings and how you’ve had to witness and be at the receiving end of those.” His own voice is trembling. He’s lucky that you even have allowed him in and haven’t kicked him to the curb long ago. It’s a sign of your kindness, he thinks.

You sigh. “Thank you.” It isn’t forgiveness. It’s too soon for that. “I’ve been in love with you for a while and I’ve kept my distance because I know you’re just going to get bored with me. I’m nothing new, nothing exciting.”

Dieter shakes his head. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s true that I’ve dropped people like hot potatoes when a relationship has run its course. I’m not denying that. But I like you. I’ve never gotten jealous of anyone else before. I’ve never… yearned for someone’s company like I yearn for yours. I just don’t want to come across as overbearing.”

You swallow. “Then why do you go weeks without contacting me?”

“Because… I don’t want you to realize that I’m not good. But you figured that out already. Please tell me what I can do to make it up to you. I know it’s a mountain to climb, I know that, but I want to be a better man. I want to be with you.”

You consider it for a long minute. “I forgive you,” you say to his immense relief. “But you need to work to show me you mean it and I’ll decide if I can trust to be with you. But it can’t be an empty promise or a meaningless gesture.”

Dieter nods. It’s the least he can do. And he’s going to do that and more. “Yeah, okay,” he murmurs. A beat passes. “Can I… can I kiss you? Or is that asking too much?”

You sigh. “All right.” Getting up, you cross the short distance to the couch. Cupping his bearded cheek with your palm, you lean in and press your lips to his.

It’s chaste but with a modicum of heat. Dieter breathes your name and looks utterly wrecked by the little kiss.

“I mean it, David. If you mess this up, you’re gone,” you say.

He smiles. “Understood. You’re stuck with me, I promise.”

- - - -

Eighteen months later

True to his word, Dieter is stuck with you. It took a lot of effort and work on his part to prove that he was serious about you and serious about changing. He’s made it clear that he hasn’t changed just for you.

Six months after you had your discussion, Dieter had still continued to hold up his end of the bargain. He wasn’t doing it out of obligation. He was doing it because he wanted to become a better man. To be with you and to make amends. His first order of business was to start attending therapy to figure out why he behaved the way he did. He’s made some real improvements with himself.

And now, a year later, you and he are still going strong. Your relationship is new and exciting everyday. He isn’t even remotely bored with you. Dieter loves waking up with you and spending his time with you and experiencing new things with you. He can’t believe it took what it did to get here. That it took being on the brink of ruining everything to realize what it was he truly wanted, who he truly wanted. The first time you came together was like the first time all over again. Magical and right and everything he’s ever imagined it being. And it’s like that every time. Regardless of how many times (and it’s been many, many times).

You’re on even, solid ground now. More equal in your give and take with him. And it didn’t take long for you to remember how considerate and kind he is.

He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He never once has thought of you as a prize to be won. Not some trophy. You’re his best friend. The person he loves most and would do anything for. It dawned on him not long after your discussion why none of his relationships ever worked. He was waiting for the right person. He’s had the right person right in front of him the entire time and he’s so glad that he realized it before it was too late. He’s never once taken you for granted ever again. Sure you have little fights and squabbles here and there, but it’s always the two of you against the issue you’re facing and you’re always able to overcome it. When you’re together with him, it’s like you can overcome anything.

You had been afraid that you would be nothing new to Dieter, that he would quickly toss you aside, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re exciting and fun and completely you. Everything he’s always wanted. And you never doubt it for a second.

The End.

--- taglist in reblog

#dieter bravo x reader #pedro pascal #dieter bravo #the bubble #the bubble movie #my fic #my writing #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal character fanfiction

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withgreatpowercomesmyfuckingdick · 4 months

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GENESIS CHAPTER!!! YESSSSSSS MY BOYY

Genesis is a hate-reader 🍷 Canon to me. I'm also glad you give him time to shine as a strategist, like, he IS a caster and one of the most proficient SOLDIERs in existence 💅stands to reason he does have to think things through on the battlefield and this isn't addressed nearly enough imo.

Zack "I'm not traumatized 😀" Fair is breaking my heart here. Both Cloud and Zack get to miraculously be together after losing the other, but the fear is fresh in Zack's mind. And unfortunately due to the rapidly developing situation (SCREAMS) he doesn't really have time to process and address it, and that's assuming he isn't avoiding doing so like the plague because Cloud's alive so everything's fine now right? 😀 Except it's super not and now Zack is the only one who really knows how not fine it is 💔

Speaking of not addressing emotions lol Angeal is in full repression mode and Sephiroth is isolatinggg 😬 I know how easy it is to withdraw when you're used to not having anyone there for you, when you have to figure out and manage everything yourself regardless of how unequipped you are for the task, but I also feel for Genesis here because it really does take a lot of work to gently coax people out of that over and over again. I like how you're addressing this in general, but especially from this pov! I really feel Genesis' frustration here. He knows it would get better if Seph just came home 😥

I really enjoyed the intel gathering scene with Bolin 👌👌👌 You're really serving up top shelf Genesis in this chapter and it's delightful to watch! But Camp 28 is stressing me tf out agagshshshshs Zack is somewhat reassured for now but even Kenny is worried about Cloud's lack of self preservation (physically and emotionally damn) and he doesn't even know how bad of a situation they're walking into! Though no one really knows and that's kind of the problem, but I love Kenny and I want him to survive this 😭 He needs to survive so he can be brave and trust Juvie with the kids!

Speaking of kids, CLAUDIA IS SO PRECIOUS I CANT 💕 I'm as bad as Vincent at this point. Claudia deserves the world (and she doesn't even exist anymore.. I will never be ok again 🫠)

I'm a little worried about whatever Genesis has planned to address the Camp 28 situation, because, well, it's Genesis lol but at the same time I love his constant rebellion against being told "no" 💅

Thanks for the amazing chapter!!!! Time to reread the whole thing again to distract myself from the incredible suspense of what's to come 😁🍿

HI HI HI THANKS FOR LEAVING ME THIS TO WAKE UP TO!!!

Genesis being a strategist just makes sense to me. Like. The man led a rebellion against Shinra that turned into a straight up war, waged it for a decent amount of time, and managed to not immediately get eradicated. That in itself says the man’s got SOME brains on him lol

Yeahhh Zack’s still in the “just happy Spike’s here” stage and honestly doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. The weight of carrying Cloud’s secret is kinda trumping his own emotions in importance, which miiiiiight not be good :/

It’s kind of sad when, to an extent, Genesis is being the most emotionally intelligent among them. I mean. Seriously. Genesis? Same guy that thought talking Sephiroth into insanity would make the dude help heal him? Yeah if he’s the smartest emotionally everyone needs some DIRE help.

But also guess what conflict is going to be resolved next chapter because I like making Seph suffer but not THAT damn much? Angeal’s repression might take a bit longer but gimme a second there’s five character arcs going on at once 😂

Camp 28 is, if you guys didn’t notice, another parade situation, except I’m dragging it out for effect LMAO. It obviously isn’t exactly the same but…well, you’ll see ;) Kenny’s just trying to look out for a buddy :( Cloud’s doing the same thing, just like…way more risky and possibly self destructive. Immortality went RIGHT to his head IMMEDIATELY

Cloud says it’s his daughter but that’s OUR DAUGHTER!!!

And like you said lmao—

Sephiroth: Genesis, no

Genesis: is that a fucking challenge

Nah seriously like, Genesis and ‘letting that slide’ don’t go in a sentence together. it’s just

Genesis, squinting at Camp 28: I don’t know what the fuck’s going on but TRUST you will be dealt with

Feel AWFUL for leaving this answer to you in my drafts for like…for fucking ever 😭 But thanks for leaving me this lovely!!! Always encouraging to read a lil smth from you 🖤🖤🖤

#liddle’s asks #wgpcmfg

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mousewife-stash · 8 months

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i really love feral scully so much its so fun i love how gentle and patient mulder is with her when she goes Full Feral mode its so neat :). you mentioned a lil while ago that there was a period of time after mulder finds her that shes sort of stuck in animal brain as a coping mechanism, how did mulder fare with that emotionally? also what did those first few months back look like for her? (she had to have WRECKED his apartment lol)

YES! haha my idea is Boy Oh Boy did Mulder have a rough time there, waffling somewhere between optimistic denial (I love to think that he's been continuing to pay the rent on her apartment as well, long after even Maggie says It's Over, and once Scully is rescued he takes her back to his place, because--well--she's going to be even more upset if her own stuff is broken, won't she, once she Comes To, which she Will, She Has To--) and cataclysmic self-destruction and guilt-- every time Scully snaps at him or injures him, even mildly or accidentally, well, this is just the price he ought to pay for letting this happen to her, isn't it! she ought to take it out on him! she ought to hate him, even instinctively!! (she doesn't--actually it's pretty obvious she finds him a grounding presence even in Feral Mode)

on the subject of apartments, I think once Scully does indeed regain her sense of self, she's still staying primarily at Mulder's for a few months--partly because she's afraid to be alone, even though Mulder insists he'd join her at hers' as well, but partly because she's afraid, symbolically, of crossing the rubicon of returning to some semblance of control over her own life, her old life, but Like This

#answers #anonymous

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but-a-humble-goon · 2 years

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Since that last post got me thinking, here's my off the cuff elevator pitch as to how I'd handle a basic Cass and Damian centric done in one story: The two get put on the job together (doesn't particularly matter what) and at first it goes exactly as well as in Gates of Gotham. The two cannot stand each other. They argue and bicker the whole time, maybe even throw hands here or there. Damian feels threatened by her for a whole number of reasons and while Cass sees through his bluster, his Damian-ness gets on every last one of her nerves. But the minute things kick off and the bullets start flying something clicks in Cass' brain seeing Damian in danger and she enters full on "hrrn, must protecc tiny sad child" mode. She puts herself in the way of him, dropping all his badguys before he has a chance to and Damian is extremely not okay with it. Afterwards he angrily makes her swear to never to treat him with kid gloves again and she says yes, y'know, like a liar. The next time there's trouble the exact same thing happens again, only this time things gets bad. There's too many to protect Damian from and Cass starts taking hits for him, bullets, blades, more than even she can handle. Eventually Cass collpases and Damian has to drag her to safety, cursing her name the whole time and letting the badguy get away. He is decidedly angry and rude with her as he patches her wounds, partially because she cost them the win but also because he's taken off guard by the sheer urgency she protected him with. He's unused to having someone put his safety above their own like that even among the bats, but that's just the kind of person Cassandra is. For her part Cass is really not a fan of having had to have been saved and therefore reluctantly agrees, for real this time, to let him help. The final stretch of the story goes as expected, they track down said badguy for a big final confrontation. Here we get all that tasty assassin siblings tag team stuff, maybe even a fastball special. Cass lets Damian go stop the evil plot while she deals with the final boss. She wins (because of course she does) and Damian turns off the earthquake machine/blue sky laser/whatever but is knocked unconscious in the act so this time Cass must be the one to carry him to safety as the self destruct countdown/whatever goes off. Once he wakes up he's at first annoyed that she protected him again but she more or less tells him to get used to it because he's stuck with her for a sister and it comes with the territory. Cue epilogue where back with the rest of the bats, the two lurk off to the side together bonding over snarking at all of the dweebs. Damian admits she ain't half bad in an offhand tsundere kinda way, Cass probably turns it into some kind of brag. Credits. Presumably them hanging out and bonding becomes a semi regular thing in future books.

#cassandra cain #batgirl #damian wayne #robin #dc #dcu #dc comics

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freedfromthegalactichivemind · 1 year

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I hate that I feel as nervous as I do when I venture to leave anyone a comment on a fic in this fandom. I feel like I am always walking on eggshells. It’s not just the usual nervousness about leaving comments that a lot of people have, either - the “am I going to say the right thing? Just the right amount of complimentary and helpful?” that people have in all fandoms / all story comments.

Part of me feels like I’m going to screw up something sensitive - like, being too old to know the “youth lingo” or not being queer enough to understand some aspect of queer culture that I’ve somehow gotten wrong. (I’m a heteromantic asexual who is ex-evangelical - I’ve had a steep learning-curve). Those two things apply to this fandom in particular because of the nature of the canon.

Add to that the factioning within the fandom. As in, if I were to review some Catradora fanfic or a genreal all-cast fic or something else, am I going to run into someone who will take one peek at my Ao3 profile (easier to tell what I’m about on tumblr due to icon) and be all... “Ew, Hordak-stan / clones-stan / ENTRAPDAK-SHIPPER!” and be offended that I showed up to compliment their story that had nothing to do with it? I really do stick to “particular character-interests within the fandom” for partially that reason...

And then there’s the thing I’m really afraid of. I’m kind of a pariah within even entrapdak / clones / hordak-stanning fandom. I had some misunderstandings with people that turned into me pushing things and having a full-on mental breakdown (it was over other stuff, too... I mean, 2020-2021, enough said), but I really got touched off when I felt like some people were dismissing me and being purposefully, needlessly condescending to me - and I did behave badly, not following the rules on certain discords, continually bringing up things with people over and over again. I’d basically entered a spiral of self-destruction where I just kept pressing people to see how many friends I could lose for suicidal-brain-mode reasons. That said, a whole lot of people don’t really want to have anything to do with me and I’ve found out that even people who might have said at one point they were willing to “give me a chance” never, ever intended to, because of the amount of blocking I’ve gotten on tumblr. In addition to this, people I didn’t even fight with whose fics I always commented on before - I noticed my comments deleted if I ever revisited them. This means that there is, or was, this entire clique “do not talk to her”...thing... going on.

And the problem with the latter is that I don’t always know who it is. I’ve learned on the fics where I’ve noticed deleted comments that those are “do not read” authors. There is one author in particular I absolutely do not read / haven’t in forever because I’m terrified of getting accused of plagiarism again if I were to subconsciously absorb something from them and something even remotely similar were to show up in one of my future stories without me being aware of it. Better to be safe than sorry, I haven’t read them in over a year and I don’t think they even post on Ao3 anymore. I don’t know how much I should even say here - just that I worded some things badly, mistook some roleplay permissions on non-public work and even when I thought we’d worked things out, I was still being accused of plagiarism by the end of the matter. I am *terrified* of this person to the point of getting literal heart-palpitations if I see their name come up anywhere, I know I have them blocked on here as well as my main so they are unlikely to see this, and so what? We hate each other, anyway. And then there are people who I remember being kind-of friends with, people whom I’ve had good comment-exchanges with in the past whose work I’ve avoided not because I know they’ll delete or block me, but because I am not sure if they will - as in, “We’ve never had problems, but I know that they run in the same circles as people who’ve “fandom-cancelled” me. So, I wind up being in this limbo of “Who do I read or venture to comment on?” even in my core fandom-interest circles.

And what scares me more about it is... what have people been saying to me to others? Do freshy-minted entrapdaks, new to the fandom hear accusations and rumors about me? Does The Clique tell people to block me on sight, or am I reading too much into this and being paranoid? I mean, it seems like when I encounter new people on Ao3 who write things I like, there is no problem. I comment, no deletions or blockings, even if names I recognize as people who dislike me are also in the comments section. I conclude that people are being chill and giving me the benefit of the doubt on “I’m just doing my own thing over here,” but I’m always a little paranoid.

I guess I’m trying to build up my “safe to read” list again - in terms of people who share my fandom-tastes and won’t be offended if I compliment them.

(People may reply to this, but please don’t like or screenshot. I finally figured out the "no reblogs" thing - thanks delta-she-ra!) I kind of want to vent and people I know to see it, but I don't want it bandied about everywhere at the same time. Thanks.

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sirthisisa-wendys · 3 years

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The Enforcers Part 8 (Geto Suguru x Fem!Reader)

wc: 1.7k

tw: dark content (self-harm)

masterlist

a/n: By no means do I condone self-harm or want to glorify it in the light of this chapter. As a person who struggled with physical self-harm in her early teens, I know the destructive nature of this type of activity. However, as my characters are not perfect and complicated, I see this particular mode of action as something she would try to do in order to alleviate her pain and confusion. If you have questions or concerns, my inbox is always open to having a discussion about it.

If you so wish, you may skip this chapter altogether. There will be a recap on the next one if you choose to skip for your mental health. Take care of yourselves and see you soon. (ALSO, I know I promised smut but I gotta give y'all a raincheck this go-round. SORRY PLS DON'T KILL ME)

You're on your forty-seventh file of scandals, coverups, and secret dossiers that you finally feel it. The fabric of your identity begins to unravel right before your eyes.

Everything you've known is a lie.

The CSB has covered up so many things. So many lives lost. So many people forced to flee. So many families ripped apart--

An email makes its way over to the server, and you open it, the words across the screen coming from Suguru.

I know it's late, but send over Yu Haibara's files when you can.

You hit the reply button and begin to type out: "You mean the boy you killed?" but you stop yourself, deleting the words rapidly. Instead, you attach the files and send them over, not even bothering to look at them. You can't do it. Not another file could be stored away in the annals of your brain.

Nothing is as it seems anymore. The lies... they pile up in your mind, flooding the spaces where you used to hold what you thought was true, what you thought was real. Now, they're overflowing out of your brain and into your heart and soul, plaguing you like the nightmares that face you down night after night, more like demons that lurk in the corners of your mind than full file cabinets.

You always wake up in a tangle of sheets and sweat, one of your various enemies' faces hovering over you right before you stare down the barrel of a gun and --

You stumble out of the chair, eyes wet with tears, and go to the sink in the bathroom to wash your face. After you splash water on your skin, you look up at your reflection, anger rolling through you at the way you look. Weak.

You're fucking weak.

The voice in your head that usually told you that you were doing okay, that you had it all under control, is now turning on you, spitting nasty words that stick in between the synapses of your brain a muddy your rational thoughts.

The voices rise to a fever pitch, and you suddenly see red, the entirety of the world descending into blood-colored madness. The shattering of the glass mirror only becomes a reality when you're standing above the sink, chest heaving as your thoughts silence one by one, like shutting off lights in a house.

But only one stays behind as a shard of the mirror clinks into the sink.

Escape.

The light at the end of the tunnel.

You could get rid of the feelings here. You could get rid of the thoughts. You could escape. Why hadn't you thought about this before?

"Do it."

Your fingers grip the jagged shard of glass carefully, and before you can stop yourself, you drag it across the inside of your wrist, end to end, leaving behind a red line of blood that immediately blooms. Crimson dots drop into the sink, and you stare at the color, mesmerized by the way the blood runs down your arm and into the porcelain bowl. But there's no relief.

No sense of freedom.

Maybe you didn't do it hard enough?

Maybe you didn't--

The door to your room slams open, and you turn your head just as Suguru comes rushing into the bathroom. The shard of glass is still in your hand, as well as the blood running down your arm, and Suguru catches this immediately.

"Fuck," he breathes, and you turn to him, shard extended.

"Don't come any closer."

"Y/n," he calmly whispers. "You don't look so good."

"I wonder why that is," you reply, and Suguru stares back at you, hands raised in surrender.

"What're you doing?"

"What does it look like, Suguru?" you state in a trance. Your bullet wound begins to throb dully, but you ignore it, just like you're ignoring the blood dripping onto the tile flooring.

"Y/n, let's think about this."

"I don't want to think anymore!" The shrill scream is loud enough to make Suguru flinch, and you softly repeat, "I don't want to think anymore," over and over again as tears run down your face.

"I know," Suguru whispers. "I know. Will you let me help you?" You hiccup and drop the piece of glass to the floor, dissolving in a heap of tears and moans. You feel hands pulling you up from the floor and into strong arms, your head being cradled against a broad chest you've felt before. "Go ahead," Suguru encourages you. "Cry it out."

He carries you to another room in the building in silence, laying you on a firm bed and disappearing as you heave painful sobs into the sheets.

"Everything... hurts..." you gasp, and when Suguru reappears with a white bundle of cloth, a bandage roll, and some water, he nods.

"We're going to make it better, don't worry." He takes your injured arm and carefully wipes away the blood, examing the cut slowly. "Doesn't need stitches, thankfully." He turns to open the water bottle and hands it to you, silently telling you to drink while he bandages your wrist.

You drink the water greedily then lean back on the headboard, eyes closing down as Suguru works diligently on your wound. And then you remember the first time he did this for you and the mistake you made in your pridefulness.

"Thank you," you murmur, and Suguru looks up at your face, finally seeing some form of clarity cross your tear-streaked cheeks.

"You're welcome," he replies tenderly. "I have to keep you safe, remember? I promised you that I would." You don't answer him, but he finishes at that exact moment anyways, standing and placing the remnants of the bandage roll on the nightstand. The wound is now covered up completely, with no sign of blood seeping through the cotton and staining the white cloth dark red.

You watch as Suguru crawls into the bed beside you, sighing deeply as he runs his fingers through his locks. "Should I stay awake with you or do you want to try to sleep?"

"Sleep," you answer - albeit not confidently - and the black-eyed man obliges, pulling the thin sheet over you.

"I'll be right here," he affirms, but you reach out your uninjured arm and touch his hand. He instantly turns his palm up to let you grab his fingers, and you pull him closer to you in the king-sized bed.

"Hold me." A second passes with no movement, and Suguru whispers,

"Are you sure?" You nod, and he wordlessly scoots closer, wrapping an arm around you as you nestle into his side with your bandaged hand resting on his chest. His fingers rub a soft pattern up and down your skin, soothing you to the brink of sleep. "I've got you. We'll deal with everything else in the morning," Suguru murmurs as you slip off into a dreamless - and nightmare-less - sleep.

_____________________________________________________________

Morning comes and goes.

Midday arrives, and you awaken from your terrorless sleep still encased in Suguru's grasp. Your eyes flick up to his face, which is peaceful in the midday light streaming in from the windows. The Leader of the Fallen Sun District is asleep and dead to the world around him, but the sound of his breathing lets you know he's on the brink of waking up.

Part of you doesn't want him to. You want to lay there without any responsibilities to him, without any concern, or further harm to either one of you. Maybe if you continued to sleep, all of this would become a distant memory. All of this would go away, and you could go back to living in ignorance.

But Suguru's stirring makes you stiffen, and you feel his arms tighten around you before sliding away.

"You're awake."

"Yeah," you whisper, and he sits up, pulling his knees to his chest.

"We need to talk about last night." You sit up as well, staring at the edge of the bed blankly. "Why didn't you tell someone about your declining mental health?"

"I didn't realize it until it was too late," you admit, looking at the bandage on your wrist. "But I won't be doing that again."

"Doesn't matter," Suguru interjects, looking over at you. You choose to avoid his gaze and stare at your feet, inhaling deeply. "I have to have someone watch you now. I want you to be safe, and now I'm not sure if I can ensure that without some oversight on my part."

"No," you exhale quickly, looking over at him in fear. "I'm better now, I promise."

"I'll have someone move a few of your things over here. That way I can keep an eye on you, just in case." Suguru continues, standing from his position on the bed. "I won't bother you. But I made a promise to you, and I'm going to keep it at all costs." He turns back to you, stating, "Today we'll take a day off and go into the town. I've been wanting to show you around for a while anyway."

You conclude the argument is over when he places a kiss on your temple, then walks into his bathroom, shutting the door and leaving you on the bed alone.

_____________________________________________________________

A car picks both of you up from the building, and when you slide into the backseat, Suguru points to the expanse in the distance.

"Take us to the marketplace." The driver nods, scars running up and down his pale face and his blue eyes looking up at you in the rearview mirror. Does this man even know that he's sitting next to the leader of the Fallen Sun district? Or is Kenjaku a faceless man, hiding behind walls of ones and zeroes?

The scenes that pass by you look identical to those of the city you know and love. There are children playing on the sidewalks, people carrying groceries, life carrying on as if the majority of their names aren't on some rejected list of people who defected from their previous society. Suguru notices your awe at the way things are, and looks over at you, smiling brightly.

"You'd be surprised what you can build from ashes, y/n."

_____________________________________________________________

TAGLIST: @missbonekitty @wack0-genius @thankuary @jsqeeut @r-i-m-f-009 @sunfloweroranges @leanne-tamashi @girlruby23 @rein-icu @brownskinnedgirll @chanelmalandro @savantsoulfinder @jibe-gajima @chilledlucifer @amnxsia @kontentious @fuyuko26 @everybodylovescayrayray @flare-on @sammytamaki @meena-in-a-nutshell @falling-through-pages @naoyasdarling

#geto suguru x reader #jujutsu kaisen geto #getou suguru #jujutsu kaisen getou #geto suguru #jjk geto #jjk #jujutsu kaisen

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mocacheezy · 3 years

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Things that made watching Transformers (2007) easier and even enjoyable:

[note: B'verse gets the treatment that it gets by fandom for good reasons. There are tons of posts that dissect the bullshit of these movies far better than my second-language-english-non-american self could ever tackle, so I am not doing that, or plan on doing that. But if I decide that I'll get through every continuity of the franchise I will find a way to make it fun for myself. And so, this is my search for golden nuggets in these movies, because they did bring in new fans to the franchise and that's why we have other continuities that we might not have otherwise. Credit where it's due, and some positivity for those that did find B'verse at least amusing if nothing else. ]

🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪

Frenzy

Anytime Frenzy was on screen made me smile because his movements and personality were hilarious, he is just so expressive despite looking like someone super glued a bunch of knifes together. I wouldn't know it was Frenzy if I didn't go to the Wiki, but no matter that, he was funny and that's what matters.

The original Cybertronian robot modes

We don't see them for long, but the glimpses were glorious. Just look at Optimus

Gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to see the details up close. Maybe I'll go looking eventually, but this is just so nice.

We also get a "sexily rises from the pool" scene with Ironhide (probably unintentional and I am biased due to being a robofucker. In any case, very very nice and Cybertronians look so good as aliens)

"Excuse me, are you the Tooth Fairy?"

You see this kid?

This little girl was the only human I cared about in the movie until I saw just how badass Mikaela is, and how cool the military dude is. I don't like kids, but I would lay down my life for this girl.

This one scene just makes me think of what would happen if her parents showed up way earlier. Ironhide would be her guardian and it would be both adorable and hilarious because "Honey, you have to drive in a sentient alien that looks just like our car because the goverment men said so or there will be consequences and potential alien threats."

There are so many joke potentials there; the cultural barrier, the "I am the ine that is supposed to keep her safe" glaring contests, there is just so much shenanigans that could happen.

Also, tea party with the kid. Tea party with the kid.

Sam Witwicky actually reacts like an average human would when faced with the situations he finds himself in

Do I like Sam Witwicky? No, he is the kind of character that I would want to punch irl because of his personality and actions. He is disgusting. But watching him scamper and scream and stutter when faced with giant metal robot aliens that can squish him like a bug? Good, that was a beliavable reaction and I enjoyed it a great deal.

Megatron. Just, ✨Megatron✨

(the best screenshot of the few I could take while watching, no, I am not going back for a better one, he looks perfect like this)

I also laughted at how they kept him frozen like a popsicle. And not even well, like, they COULD'VE made an actual freezer and pop him in instead of using those couple of tubes just so he was displayed for all personell to gawk at. HE CRASHED IN THE ANTARCTIC!

The design looks so good, because it looks ALIEN and POINTY and AGH!!! The colors? There are no colors that would make him stand out, he looks like someone opened a cutlery drawer, mixed up what's inside, threw in some extra knifes for a good measure and then shook the whole thing until this guy materialized from the pile. It is both incredibly annoying and satisfying.

🔪

Mr. Welker did an amazing job with his voice, I don't know what the directions were, but oh man it sure sent shivers down my spine. That is the kind of voice that spells "You are going to die" and I already have my coffin picked out.

EDIT: SO APPARENTLY! IT WAS NOT WELKER THAT VOICED MEGATRON.

It was Hugo Weaving, and yes the man did am amazing job, but I apologize a million times, I was CERTAIN that THE OG VA OF MEGATRON WOULD ALSO HAVE VOICED MEGATRON. LIKE, OKAY BAY, OKAY!

🔪

LOOK AT THE AMOUNT OF ICE! With how quick he came back fully online once Frenzy turned off the freeze liquid tubes, I bet he was half awake through the whole thing. Systems just below idling or something, in any case, AGENTS YOU ARE SO DUMB! WHO WAS GIVING SUBPAR FUNDING TO THEM, THEY BETTER BE FIRED!

I also was glad that Sam refused to call him by the name the sector asigned to him, despite Megatron being in stasis. And that he insisted they use the correct name. Good job Sam, acknowledge the threat by the actual name and show respect to a fellow sentient lifeform. Even though said lifeform is hellbent on destruction of the universe and your world.

ALSO, AND I CANNOT STRESS THE LAUGHTER AND AMUSEMENT HERE; the sheer DISRESPECT! They don't disassemble Megatron's corpse. No, these idiots, these absolute morons decide to dump him into the ocean, letting him sink to the lowest possible point (not sure if they did say it was the M' Trench or not), where there are proper freezing temperatures - good! You're learning, good job!! - just... In full. Full corpse. What's left of him. Just blup! Down with the fishies he goes!

I understand that they probably didn't know how to approach Optimus about it, but... At least behead the guy. He came back ONCE, who is to say he won't come back again?! Safety precautions my dears.

They also completely disregard what a giant extraterrestrial metal alien rusting away on the bottom of the ocean could do to the ecosystem at large. Like, I find this incredibly amusing, because this ISN'T something most folks think about when watching a movie but we have giant squids down there. We have so much weird things down there, the ocean isn't even fully explored AND YOU WANT TO CHUCK AN ALIEN CORPSE DOWN THERE?!

Now the real question: is he a looker? *looks at the pictures* hmmmm, depends on if you like knifes. Like, really like knifes. Like really, really REALLY want to get it on with a fine assembly of kitchen knifes that were exposed to the elements but somehow haven't rusted away completely.

I think he's neat.

Needs a good long powerwash though. Preferrably with something to help the whole "I was frozen for more than 50 years and sprang back to action as soon as I woke up" thing that happened.

My man needs to take a moment and get his bearings, like dude. Please. You can conquer the world after some energon and slow system boot-up period. The strain on the systems my dude, you ain't young.

Also love that this "death" was probably reused in TFP because lord golly, do we love our faves ending up under the sea. (Though Megan took a much bigger fall, Bayverse WAS PLOPPED INTO THE WATER LIKE A NEWLY ACQUIRED FISH I CAN'T YOU GUYS I CAN'T!)

In short: I love the comedy of american military giving such disrespect to an Alien Warlord. These guys are really sealing their fate.

I loved the way they got the Witwicky family to be important to the plot

The whole "selling my great great grandpa's glasses on e-bay" thing gives us a very good self insert/OC/rewrite/movie AU potential. Don't like Sam and his disgustingness? Find a way to write a cousin or some far off relative or hell, even just someone who buys the glasses off e-bay and go wild with it!

Archibald was also clearly an inspiration for Isaac Sumdac as far as I can tell, what with both of them using Megatron as a means of helping technology advance.

Only difference being one of them lived and actually talked to Megatron after he came back online and the other got driven to madness and death due to the amount of information beamed into his brain. Isaac also acquired a space baby daughter, so the guy is absolutely luckier of the two.

Mikaela being fucking competent and badass throughout the movie, and not being just fanservice eyecandy

I could do without the fanservice, but her personality? I loved it. I loved that she wasn't crawling to Sam and wasn't being "hard to get". Which is also why I was very displeased at the very sudden "oh yeah, romance! She returns his feelings after he took her for a ride and let her vent her frustrations!". The movie is 2 hours long and they could throw in some moments where these two connect?

Welp, it is an action movie, boy gets girl no matter what, can't complain about the staple in the genre.

However, Mikaela x Optimus? Now THAT is something I considered as soon as the two locked eyes and interacted. Like, even taking my shipping goggles off, these two could have a very interesting dynamic and Mikaela could be a very good protagonist. I wonder what the movie would be like with her as the lead and Sam being the fucking moron she has to drag along with her.

BUT ALSO! Can we talk about the horrible, excruciating fact that her and Bumblebee drove around with Bee's damaged legs dragging over asphalt all the time he was shooting at 'Cons? There were sparks flying! SHE WAS DRIVING BACKWARDS! She took command of the situation and did what she could because Bee still wanted TO FIGHT!

Also, they way she beat up Frenzy? Gorgeous, I want to slap Sam's non-existent balls off for not atleast saying "thanks". The dude would be sliced thinner than cabbage if she wasn't there.

The millitary man we are supposed to care about because his wife gave birth while he was on duty and we see his baby three times in the whole movie, actually being a pretty awesome and well-written character

Look, personally, I was a little confused at the reason why we were seeing his wife and baby interacting/the scene where she thinks her husband is dead. Mostly because I don't like kids, so scenes like that, when I don't even know who the character is, have no impact at all. Him having a baby isn't going to make me like the guy more, unless I know his character. Him being absent because he's on duty doesn't mean he'll be a good dad (though he looks like the kind of man that will try his best, and I like that in a man). So seeing his wife and kid at the start of the movie seemed pointless to me.

BUT! FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES HERE!

Lennox is a good character and whenever he was on screen I was invested in what is going to happen to him. He's the kind of action movie lead that would have me invested, despite my meh interest in mainly gun fight oriented action movies.

Essentially, loved the guy, would love to see more of him while also being able to tell what's happening on screen. Also the comedy scenes he was in were usually funny.

Okay so these are the things I like about the first movie! It was very long, had to watch it on 2,5x speed because it simultainously dragged while ALSO giving me too much information, but the moments like these and the way my imagination latched onto characters I liked made it watchable. It isn't a movie I'd use to introduce someone to the TF franchise, but it provided me with lots of material for my imagination to run wild.

#moca watches #transformers #transformers bayverse #moca screeches #Yes the cutlery divider is due to the Decepticons looking like they do. It amuses me greatly.

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musical-chick-13 · 3 years

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Can’t believe I’m about to make a She-Ra post in the year of our lord 2021, but here we are because y’all keep taking things out of context.

So, basically, I’ve seen a lot of backlash against making Catradora canon because Catra Bad, and I just wanted to talk about why, as a wlw, this didn’t bother me.

Firstly, Noelle Stevenson has talked in the past about how a lot of the more definitive gay content had to be censored or obscured in the earlier seasons. Nonetheless, it seemed clear to me that there was meant to be a romantic undercurrent to this relationship from the very beginning. There was...basically the entirety of the Princess Prom episode, but primarily it was the fact that Catra took Adora’s defection so personally. Not that people can’t feel extreme levels of betrayal toward their friends, but there’s a specific kind of anger and confusion and self-destruction that comes when you’re a woman in love with another woman and don’t know how to express it, even more so when you’re already close friends with said woman, and especially when you’re dealing with trauma or general other stuff going on in your brain. (Obviously this is not the case for every wlw, but I have definitely felt it, uh...a lot.) I think Catra exemplifies this specific feeling very well and always has. That’s point one in She-Ra’s favor.

The second point is that when you love someone (in any way), you want them to be on the same side as you. Adora thought they were on the same side for most of her life. And because of the love that had once existed between them (that she probably wasn’t aware enough of to properly define), she kept desperately hoping that they could reach that again. They had worked together before; she saw no reason why they couldn’t continue to do so. Catra just had to defect, too. But through it all, she never tries to say that Catra is right, or that no effort should be made to stop the bad things she’s doing. And when Catra eventually goes full-on destruction mode, Adora gives up on that hope. When Catra switches sides, Adora’s acceptance of her reads less to me like too-hasty forgiveness and more like a complete relief that she was right, that Catra still had the capability to do the right thing and that they could, in fact, find common ground again. And, likely, that she doesn’t have to feel guilty for having feelings for someone on the opposite side anymore.

The third point is that after Catra has switched sides, she doesn’t feel entitled to Adora reciprocating her feelings. In fact, she’s 100% convinced that Adora doesn’t feel the same way, so that thought never even crosses her mind. But she still makes an effort anyway. She’s not trying to be good so Adora will date her. And she’s not trying to guild Adora into a romantic relationship. Adora realizes her feelings all by herself.

And the last and final point is that there’s just so much pain in their relationship. And, well...being a wlw for me has been painful. Obviously we live in the real world where there’s still a stigmatization against anyone belonging to the LGBT+ community, and not on Etheria where that doesn’t seem to be an issue. But...there have been a lot of people who never understood my feelings for other women. There have been a lot of people who told me they believed people like me were shameful. A lot of my life has been hiding a big part of who I am because I went to a small school and lived in a religious community and didn’t feel safe. A lot of women I developed feelings for were straight or unaware that they weren’t. Those feelings ruined several important friendships. And having a much smaller dating pool led to a complete lack of a serious romantic relationship, which only served to further alienate me from my peers. And every time I meet or work with a new person, or want to ask a woman out, I have to agonize over that decision for who-knows-how-long to determine whether or not it’s safe or if the risk is worth it. I love being a wlw. So much. But my whole entire experience in being one has been inextricably riddled with pain. The amount of angst between Catra and Adora and the amount of obstacles they had to overcome in order to realize, declare, and act on their feelings reflects that pain in a way that few other works I’ve seen have. And most of those works ended up with the couple breaking up, one or both of them marrying someone they don’t love, and/or one or both of them dying. There is hope in this relationship. But it didn’t come easy. And here in the real world, there are a lot of things about being a wlw that aren’t easy.

People are, of course, going to think whatever they think about the show. I’m probably not going to change anyone’s mind by writing an essay that will maybe reach, like...50 people. It’s perfectly okay if you didn’t get what I and many others did from this show. But I just wanted to maybe offer another perspective (one that I haven’t really seen anyone talk about). Mainly because I’m tired of hearing that “the show was just bad writing” or “they pandered to the fans” or “wow wlw are so desperate for representation they’ll lose sight of sensible narratives and become villain apologists.” As I’ve said before, representation means different things to different people. And different people are going to get different levels and kinds of affirmation from different kinds of experiences depicted onscreen or in literature. It doesn’t mean they’re “bad” sapphics (or any other marginalized/underrepresented identity). We all have different things to work through; it makes sense that we have different ways of doing that successfully.

#catradora #she ra #spop #she ra and the princesses of power #meta #reminder that this blog stans spop and is pro-catradora #behold! a creation!

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portraitoftheoddity · 4 years

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So yesterday was World Mental Health Day, which had me thinking about the last ten years, and the fact it’s the decade anniversary of my descent into my last major mental health crisis.

10 years ago I was a fucking MESS. I was off my meds, rapid-cycling manic-depressive, self-destructive, and in full blown nervous breakdown mode, and a few months from total suicidal rock bottom where my family had an intervention and there was serious discussion about having me involuntarily hospitalized.

And a decade later, I’m okay.

It felt like the end of the world then. It felt like I was going nowhere except into a conflagration of my own making. I felt doomed. Like this was as good as it could even get and nothing would get better. Like I was a monster that wasn’t worth saving.

And all of that was wrong.

I eventually got out of the high-stress environment that I was in. I got medicated. I worked on applying techniques I learned in therapy to manage my anxiety and mood spirals. I identified my episode triggers and how to avoid them. I figured out how to control my own behaviors so my mental illness didn’t hurt the people around me. I developed a strong support network.

All of this took time. All of this took work. And all of it took me deciding that I didn’t want to let my mental health define me; that my suffering wasn’t a part of my identity, and wasn’t something I needed to make me special or creative or any of that shit. It was just suffering and I didn’t deserve it.

Sometimes I fucked it up. Sometimes I backslid or went off my meds and ended up crying on the floor at 3am over an infographic about the distance between an atom’s nucleus and its electrons. But I made progress. Ten years later, overall, I’m happy. I have my life more or less together. 2020 is weird and upsetting as shit but I’m managing and I’m glad I’m alive. My mental illness is still something I have, but it doesn’t dominate my life.

And the truth is, I still have bad days. I still have to keep a close eye on my moods and my sleep schedule to make sure I’m not edging into an episode. I still have days once in a while where I’m so depressed I have to call in sick to work because I can’t get out of bed. I have days or weeks of anhedonia where I feel numb. I have the occasional panic attack. “Bad brain days” happen. But! I know that they’re just that: Bad brain days. My serotonin and dopamine are fucked up and it’s not my fault, and the sky isn’t actually falling, and it will pass. It always does, however shitty it feels at the time. (I’ve come to think of it like the weather -- sometimes it’s raining in my brain, and sometimes it’s a big old storm, but no rain lasts forever and the sunny days will come back eventually.)

And I’m not sharing any of this for hugs or sympathy or any of that -- because I’m okay!

I’m sharing it so that if you’re reading this and you’re not okay, hopefully this will give you some reason to believe from someone who has been there: it can get better. Mental illness can be managed. If you’re hitting rock bottom, remember that means there’s nowhere to go but back up.

Hang in there.

And in ten years, write a post about it. ❤️

#mental health #lena's personal crap #oversharing sorry

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redqueen-hypothesis · 3 years

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eye spy ➳ gavin (mlqc)

➳ PAIRING: reader x gavin (mlqc)

➳ WORD COUNT: 1704

➳ GENRE: fluff

➳ SYNOPSIS: gavin is away on a mission and gives you terrible life updates. you’re forced to resort to more... underhanded means.

➳ REMARKS: based on this one scene from descendants of the sun because it was so cute-

Gavin’s away on a mission again.

Pouting, you glance at the clock on the wall, dressed comfortably in one of his tees, the collar slipping of your bare shoulder. The mission this time is supposed to last for a week, and it’s been three days without him. Now that he’s gone, you realise just how much you had gotten used to his presence in your life. When you’re cooking dinner, you measure out two portions of rice instead of one. When you wake up with your cheek pillowed on your arms and your laptop still running in front of you, you wonder groggily for a moment why Gavin hadn’t woken you - only to realise that he’s away.

It’s the first time he’s been away from you so long since you’ve started dating. You miss him, the thought of him lingering at the back of your mind whenever you’re at work, when you’re home, when the ginkgo leaves fall, when the wind caresses your face.

You remember him saying once, that he feels you in the wind no matter where you are. When the breeze touches your cheeks, is he thinking about you too?

Knowing Gavin, he’d probably say something cheesy - like he’s always thinking about you. You’d smile at him and tease him, your own cheeks pink as you look at the sincerity in his gaze, heart so full of love you feel overwhelmed. With a longing sigh, you flop back onto the bed and glance at the clock again.

Almost eleven...

The wind comes in and stirs the tiny silver bells on your ginkgo leaf wind chime, and you smile at the thought that he might be thinking about you right now. You’ll never know for sure, but it’s nice to think about. You’re definitely thinking about him all the time.

When you close your eyes, you can almost imagine the sound of his breathing next to you, the gentle warmth that radiates off his body as he shifts on the bed while reading through mission reports and briefings. You’ve always cherished time spent with him, but now, the memories of your moments together are treasured a little closer to your heart.

Your phone rings.

Excitement lights up your face and you’re racing to grab your phone, raising to your ear with the brightest smile on your face.

“Eli!”

>>>

Three days feels like far too long without you.

Gavin sits at the edge of his bunk bed fresh from the shower, toweling his hair dry. It’s been three days since he’s left on his mission, and with each day, the ache to see you again only grows more and more. He wants to hold you in his arms, breathe in the scent of you and bury his face in your hair. Unfortunately, all he has on this mission is-

“Yo, Gavin. I’ll be stepping out for a while now, I’ve got a call to take.” Eli calls merrily from the door, brown eyes crinkling and waving his phone in his hand. There’s a bright grin on his face. Gavin nods, mildly curious as he reaches for his shirt slung over the headboard. “Who is it?”

He does call you every day when he’s able, but he can’t quite stand being on the phone with you for long. Gavin has never been one for idle conversation anyway, and calling you only reminds him of much he misses you, how he can’t embrace you and see your eyes shining up at him. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder, he thinks to himself with a rueful smile. He wasn’t aware that he could love you more than he already does, but this only proves him wrong - he still has a long way to go.

“A very important woman.” Eli answers vaguely, a grin growing uncontrollably on his face. Gavin stares for a moment longer, cogs and gears in his brain shifting before he frowns at Eli. “You got a girlfriend?”

Eli laughs, stepping outside. “That’s for me to know and for you never to find out!” His voice echoes down the hallway.

Gavin makes a face, before he looks down at his own phone. The screen lights up with a picture of the two of you together at the Alps, your lips at his cheek and your eyes sparkling. His own eyes are a gentle amber, a expression on his face that’s so tender he almost doesn’t recognise himself. But he’s looking at you, so he understands - he never feels as happy as he does when he’s with you.

Eli’s laughter rings down the hallway, and Gavin sighs for a moment, wishing it was yours instead.

He buries his head in the pillow and closes his eyes, wishing that time would pass faster.

The week can’t be over fast enough.

>>>

“I just managed to get away from Gavin.” Eli whispers into the phone and you make a soft sound of horror, a hand rising to cover your mouth even though you know Gavin can’t possibly hear you.

“You’re doing great.” You whisper back, your own voice hushed. “So? How was it today?”

“Ahem, reporting to commanding officer.” Eli clears his throat, slipping into what he calls his ‘work mode’. You giggle a little at his theatrics, pressing the phone closer to your ear. “Today, the target woke up at 0500 and spent five minutes looking at a photo of him and his girlfriend before leaving for a jog around the running track. He then proceeded to take a shower and head down for breakfast.”

You nod seriously, tugging at the hem of Gavin’s shirt. You can imagine how he looks, he tends to come out of the shower without a top, beads of water from the shower still trickling down his chest and stomach with a towel slung around his neck. You love to greet him with a kiss and a cup of morning coffee, or with sometimes more enthusiastic means. “Did he eat the vitamins I packed for him?”

“Yes, ma’am. The target counted out all of them and ate them with a smile.” Eli reports, and a smile spreads over your face at the thought. “He then went on a confidential mission at 1430, and returned safely at 1926.”

“Did he get hurt anywhere?” The words spill out of your mouth, worried. “Anything life threatening? Did he-”

“The target is unharmed except for a few cuts and scrapes, officer.” Eli soothes you, but you can’t help but frown at the thought of him injured. “At 2000 he headed down to the gym to work out, using the treadmill for an hour before moving onto dumbbells, increasing the weight five kilos at a time. At 2158 he headed into the bunks for a shower, and-”

The call suddenly falls silent.

“And?” You tilt your head to the side, eager to know more. “What did he do after the shower?”

“A-at 2207, the target has made eye contact.” Eli stammers, and you freeze for a moment, eyes wide. Your agent has been discovered.

“Whoa, must be nice.” You pout, enviously. Over the phone, you can hear heavy footfalls of booted feet approaching, and Eli mumbles into the call. “The target is approaching slowly, one step at the time. Five meters, four meters...”

“Eli, is that my girlfriend you’re talking to?”

You hear Eli’s weak, defeated chuckle. “Ahh... what should I do, commanding officer?”

“I don’t know,” you say playfully, trying to fight the smile on your face at the sound of Gavin’s voice over the phone. You’ll never get tired of it, you think. “Self destruct?”

“Hand the phone over, spy.”

There’s the sound of the phone shifting hands. You wait, mouth dry with anticipation, before Gavin’s voice finally filters into your ears. “Was this your idea?”

You giggle uncontrollably at his words. “I apologise, sir. Please let my subordinate go. I’m the true mastermind behind all of this.”

“You could have just called me instead.” You can almost hear the exasperated, fond smile in his voice and hum to yourself, chest squeezing at the thought of him. “Why did you have to go through all this effort just to hear Eli report about my day?”

“I’m not going to sugarcoat this, Gavin.” You try to make your voice as stern as possible. “But you weren’t intending to tell me about your injuries today, did you?”

Gavin hesitates, and you can hear him swallow. “... I didn’t think they were that big of a deal. It’s nothing major, just-”

“Ahh, I cut myself while chopping onions for dinner earlier. It’s a small cut, but it’s completely fine.” You tell him breezily, and instantly he’s barraging you with questions, worried for your health.

“Did you put a plaster on it? How deep was the cut? Did you-”

“See?” You say meaningfully into the phone, and Gavin abruptly falls silent once more. Then, in a small voice, he speaks again.

“It’s different.”

You giggle at his embarrassment. “So, until the standard of your reports are up to par with Eli, I’ll keep calling him.”

A moment of silence. “...I’ll tell you everything from now on.”

“Mmhmm, if you say so.” You smile, cradling the phone to your face. It’s almost as if he’s right next to you, and you can imagine the tips of his ears turning red as usual when he’s flustered. “Then Eli is formally discharged from his duty.”

“Finally,” Eli’s exaggeratedly loud voice comes from somewhere behind Gavin, and you try to stifle a giggle. “I can stop being reminded every day of the fact that I’m still single. I’ve had enough of being a third wheel! Once this mission is over, I’m going to get a girlfriend of my own-”

Gavin lets out a snort at his friend’s antics before turning his attention back to you.

“Four more days.” He murmurs quietly, and your breath catches in your throat at the longing in his voice. “Can you wait for me four more days?”

You smile gently, leaning into the phone. Your heart throbs with how much it aches for him, but you manage to reply in a clear voice to let him know your sincerity.

“I’d wait my entire life if I had to.”

#mlqc #mlqc fanfic #mlqc gavin #gavin bai #mr love gavin #mr love queen's choice

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spacetimewraithwrites-archive · 3 years

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OC Kiss Week Day 5: Memory

WIP: Thriving series Pairing: Warren x Thrive Timeline: Thriving: Meridian CW: Some, like, pain and stuff. Injury? Uh, if you don’t like reading about people in sustained physical pain, then don’t read this lol. Also, blood. Rating: T Words: 1,729

***

“How bad is it?”

Thrive tightened his fists over the surface of the table, jaw wrenched closed, and shook his head. After a few beats during which the veins in his arms became alarming in their prominence, he released the breath he’d held. “It’s not as bad...as it was the last time.”

Warren cast a worried search over the screen of the organic data extractor from his position in the corner of the room. “Yeah...I’m not sure that’s making me feel better about this.”

Thrive grimaced and a hand reached up as if to remove the electrodes attached to his skull, but instead he pressed his fingers to his temple. “It merely means that Ataneq and I will have to adjust the ratio of input and...and the output of...no.” His face went blank. “I can’t think.” He slammed his wrist on the table and threw his head back, letting fly a lengthy swear in Solnai at the top of his voice.

Warren, understanding how much agony one had to be in to use that particular swear, switched the machine off and jumped to his side, kneeling beside his chair. “Okay, sweetheart, okay. That’s good enough.” He whipped an absorbent cloth from his pocket and dabbed the moisture from Thrive’s forehead, turning his face toward him and registering the swelling relief through not just through their physical connection, but their mental one as well. “You’re doing great. Let’s take a break.”

“I’d rather not,” Thrive rasped. “We’re close. This is the most important thing I’ve ever done.”

“And I’d rather not watch you fry your beautiful brain to a crisp.” Warren dragged a second chair over and helped Thrive’s trembling hands hold the cloth to his neck and the rest of his face. “Also, this is very much not the most important thing you’ve ever done.”

Thrive grinned at him, as exhausted as he was in doing so. “Well...one could argue that you are the Most Important thing I’ve ever done.”

“If you don’t shut your fucking mouth,” Warren muttered playfully, beginning to take the electrodes off of Thrive’s chest.

Thrive grabbed his hand. “No. One more.”

“Hey, I meant it when I said I was gonna put a stop to this if you punched that damn self-destruction button of yours again.” Warren gripped Thrive’s hand. “This machine is in its infancy and could kill you if you don’t take a break.”

Instead of the belligerence Warren expected, Thrive turned to him with excitement in his eyes. “The solution is right here. We could be moments away from a breakthrough. The entire kingdom is as close to being able to harness th’crode technology as you and I are right this second, Warren. You will be able to store your own memories without my help.”

“Yeah, I kinda know all of that—”

“Do you understand how difficult it has been for me to watch you forget?”

Warren paused. The excitement had fallen away to reveal a deep sadness, remorse he hadn’t seen in quite some time. “...It’s gotten pretty bad.”

“Yes.” Thrive applied pressure onto the electrode Warren had started to remove. “Conversations with you about our shared past have become daily reminders of my misjudgment. My selfishness. You shouldn’t have to rely on someone else to make sure your cherished memories never die over time.”

Warren looked from him to the data extractor. “I still think you need to do this while natural....”

“The point is to test the extractor’s capability on a human subject.” Thrive straightened his spine. “Our physiology may be different in a lot of ways while I’m human, but I’m not about to test it on you in this stage of development. All it needs is recalibration. I’ve suggested putting the extraction points directly on the brain, but that idea was shot down rather quickly.”

“Thank you, Ataneq,” Warren grumbled.

"Let me do this one last time.” Thrive pointed to the machine. “One last time. If it doesn’t work, I will give up for the rest of the day.”

Warren sighed into his hands. “I can’t. I can’t inflict more of this pain onto you. It’s too much. No, I’m saying no. If you wanna torture yourself one more time, you need to get someone else in here to do it.”

Thrive’s eyebrow quirked.

Which is how, ten minutes later, Warren found himself standing next to Thoeala on the other side of the room while Ataneq calibrated the machine.

Warren turned a frown to Thoeala.

“Oh, you think I’m gonna say no?” Thoeala laughed. “You think just because he’s my dad I have an opinion about his well-being?”

“Why are you still here if you didn’t want to do this, Pop?” Ataneq asked, repositioning the electrodes on Thrive’s head.

Warren sniffed. “Because if this doesn’t kill him, I will.”

Ataneq took Warren’s previous spot behind the extractor. “Right. Counting down from five. Father, recall a memory. Let’s keep it simple.”

Thrive screwed his eyes shut and nodded, hands tightly clasped together. “Test designation eight-four-six-four,” he said for the audio/visual records. “Recalling a memory of my last audience with Delegate Sinkship.”

“Simple,” Warren corrected. “Not painful.”

Ataneq swiped a finger over the screen. “Long live the King. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.”

A high-pitched whine rose from the machine and Thrive placed his hands flat on the table. “Yes...immediate drop in physical discomfort from designation eight-four-six-three.” He inhaled slowly through his nose, then released through his mouth. “My sinus cavities are warm and there is a sharp sting behind the eyes.”

“Holding onto the memory?”

“Yes. Begin transference...now.”

Ataneq had only just done what he was told when Thrive let out an unusual sound. A guttural wail he tried to suppress, hanging his head, face contorting into a grimace. Thoeala bristled beside Warren and Ataneq narrowed his eyes.

“There’s now...” Thrive touched the center of his forehead, fingers shaking visibly, “...severe—severe pain. Frontal and...damn it....”

Warren’s guard raised. Any pain he deemed “severe” could have killed anyone else on the spot. “Thrive, shut it down.”

“How close are we,” Thrive asked through gritted teeth.

“I can’t actually tell. Everything’s going haywire,” Ataneq said. “Your receptors are being overloaded; you need to stop the transference or you’re going to go into self-preservation mode.”

As Thrive opened his eyes, a single rivulet of blood rolled down from his nose. “Hemorrhaging. Numbness in...in the hands.” He swiped the blood away with a thumb and winced again. “And I’m experiencing a burning sensation on the skin.”

“Fuck,” Warren spat. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to do this again!”

Ataneq held up a hand in Thoeala’s direction when she crossed over to Thrive. “Don’t touch him yet. I’ve stopped the extractor but he wasn’t able to cut off the transference. He’s got to come down gradually.”

Thrive’s eyelids drooped and he snapped upright in an attempt to stay present and focused. “I...I’m about to...fall into preservation state.”

“Genius.” Warren leaned over the table and gestured around his eyes to get Thrive to make eye contact. “I have been alive for four hundred years and you wanna know why I’m only now starting to get gray hair?”

Thrive carefully rested his head in his arms, tugging the electrodes’ wires to their limit. “I may have an idea....”

“Yeah, he’s out,” Ataneq said after a second of silence.

Thoeala sighed. “So he did that for no reason?”

“No, he succeeded.”

“Excuse me?” Warren glanced at him in alarm. “...You mean he actually managed to transfer a memory into the databank?”

Ataneq nodded. “It’s not very clear, but it’s there. I can just make out vague shapes moving across the screen. We can work with this.”

Warren walked around the table and kneeled beside Thrive, who didn’t appear to be breathing at all. He felt his neck for a pulse and was satisfied to catch the glacial thrum of his system working to mend his brain. “Babe....”

“Wow,” Thoeala exclaimed, peering at the screen of the extractor over Ataneq’s shoulder. “That is incredible! Yeah, I can see an outline of Sinkship!”

“Thrive,” Warren said, raking his fingers through Thrive’s hair. “You did it. We’ll celebrate when you’re awake.” He removed the electrodes and kissed Thrive’s temple, his ear, and the bit of cheek exposed to him. “You cause me enormous stress but you also never cease to make me proud.”

Thoeala and Ataneq each took turns patting Thrive on the back before leaving the room. “Give us a heads up on how he is.”

“Always,” Warren promised before settling down on the floor.

He was there for close to half a hour before Thrive sank back into consciousness, folding himself upright and wiping the rest of the blood from his nose.

“Welcome back,” Warren said.

Thrive turned, clearly not expecting to see him, grogginess still present in his face. “You waited.”

“Well, yeah...you pulled it off. I couldn’t just leave you here.”

Thrive patted himself down for the wireless electrodes that were used to monitor his physical response to the testing as Warren got up to perch himself on the table. “I'm surprised that it actually worked.”

Warren leaned over to capture him in a firm kiss. “I’m not.”

“I suppose I owe you an apology.” Thrive kissed him again. “I’ll take this as a sign to always do what you say from now on.”

“Oh,” Warren said with a sly smile. “Nice. I don’t even care that you’re making fun of me. I will take full advantage of this.”

“As I’ve no doubt.” Thrive offered him an only half-sarcastic smirk in return. “I believe you called, rightfully, for a celebration.”

“You heard that, huh?”

“I'm...in a word, spent. Would you like to stay the night at the Fertile Patch? We could set up a camp.”

“That sounds fantastic.”

Thrive kissed him one final time before they parted ways to prepare for the hour-long shuttle trip. Warren apprised the kids of Thrive��s state and while Thrive managed to stay awake on the ride over, as soon as his head hit the lush grass of the uninhabited area of wilderness he was down for the count again.

Warren watched the sunset by himself, using Thrive’s stomach as a pillow, lost in thought about the impact the day’s accomplishments would have on the neighboring galaxies.

He’d played a part in history yet again, it seemed.

#ockiss21

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fiveisnumber1 · 3 years

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I love the idea of the Hidden Seven throwing a party at the mansion instead of taking Five along for his first college party. I think it would be very considerate of them since he probably would not like so much social interaction at once so the familiar environment and the fact he can kick everyone out the minute he's uncomfortable would give him some semblance of control over the situation. I'm imagining the Hidden Seven in a huddle, maybe while Reader and Five are on a date, and deciding this among themselves cuz they care about him and they've been to High School parties but college parties are on another level and Five has never been to ANY party. He's part of their little group now too so they take care of him in the little ways.

Additionally, as part of the "how to summon the H7", Five discovers eventually that it's not just memes that grab their attention but if he dares say anything slightly self-loathing about himself or says he's hungry/refers to his past trauma of any type, he can summon them as fast as if they have his power too, Usually along with a Hargreeve, notably Allison and Vanya as well. (there's a tumblr chat post used for fandom characters for this exact scenario or I'd type it out but I just can't remember it exactly rn D:)

Also would Five participate on the Hidden Seven's missions as well when not trapped by Big Bad Evil Guys? I can see him mostly taking a backseat with the fighting, acting as a distraction more than anything else but definitely getting used to the H7s antics and participating in these menial conversations unless he's in an agitated mood in which case he takes a more hands on approach as well.

Five (flashing in front of a robber so he doesn't realize Dean is about to shoot him in the back): Can we PLEASE go get a decent cup of coffee after this. I've been in class since 8 AM and now this?

Addison: Do you ever stop thinking about coffee? Sonata and I brought you some on our way to class! We thought it would tide you over til 3 at least!

Reader (melting someone's brains): He spilled half when someone bumped into his desk. I had to keep him from committing murder. Our Physics professor was not amused.

*Five kills someone in his peripheral with nothing but a paper weight*

Lucas (throws a guy against a wall): Ohh so that's why he's so murdery today... Normally he just distracts people for us.

Bren (using his whips to hold someone in place): Is that also why you asked to borrow my extra shirt?

Everyone looks and Five is indeed wearing one of Bren's usual shirts.

Kenny (punching the guy being held in place) : Hey! I offered too!

Bren: Yeah but none of us would be caught dead in your clothes after you bought your neon atrocity.

Kenny (gasps): You take that back! My jacket is the height of fashion!

Five (doing his stapler trick): Cool stapler, my guy. *kills him* Anyway can we get back to the point. COFFEE! I can't take Professor Snotty's class without it or I won't need paradox psychosis to feel homicidal rage... (flashes to reader's side) Hey, mon amour, need some assist? *holds guy in place so reader can do her thing*

Viktoria (pauses bad viola playing to say over the sound system): You call a Professor as Snotty?

Reader (taking her time with the destruction of the bad guy): His names Snitty so it's not any better. The entire phys-chem departments calls him that.

Kenny: I would like to meet this professor Snotty.

Reader and Five pause and consider it... The bad guy tries to sneak away.

Dean: Anyway so... Coffee after this? I have like 2 hours before my next class (impales sneaking away bad guy with an arrow) and I really don't wanna do my homework.

Kenny: Ooh! I want a unicorn milkshake!

Lucas (roughing up a bad guy): That sweetened monstrosity? Really?

Bren (slashing a guy): I am NOT babysitting Necrotic if he gets a unicorn milkshake. He's all yours.

Meanwhile, the bad guys are all dead and the H8 then go and get their well earned smoothies, milkshakes and coffees.

(Sorry for the long message, I almost sent three asks with all three topics separately but then combined them into one for ease after I caught up on the discussion this morning xD do you think it's all accurate to your vision?)

Oh yeah, they definitely take his lack of party experience into consideration. Giving him as much control as possible will make it such a better time for him. I think when the party actually occurs at first Five is a little hesitant just because it’s a lot of people he’s never met and it’s a new experience but which a couple of shots that Kenny definitely offered him he starts to loosen up and enjoy himself more. He would absolutely be by the readers side the whole time tipsily telling her about all the stuff he admires about her and pulling her on to the dance floor with him the more comfortable he gets. He would be having a hell of a time and would totally tell his siblings to leave if they showed up early.

Because of how much they care for Five if he ever said something negative about himself you would hear a chorus of “Nooooooo!” coming from across the house as all the rest of them ran from different directions to get to him. They’d immediately go into helping mode because even though they themselves would say similar things because they’re Gen Z so of course they wouldn’t want their friend to feel upset.

And yes, Five would definitely join them to fight criminals because it’s a very casual bonding activity for all of them. They just get notifications about stuff that is going down and they will all collectively drop what they’re doing and go there because it’s probably better than whatever they were doing before. And to the bad guys it is so infuriating that not only that they’re being beat by such young people but that they won’t even focus on the fight. They’re just that good together. Also:

Five: (spatial jumping around aggressively taking out people)

Kenny: (knocking someone out) Jeez he’s aggressive today. What happened?

Reader: (Throwing knives at some guys) Oh our physics professor was just well snotty today, as always.

Five: (snapping a criminal’s neck) JUST SNOTTY? HE WAS A FULL ON ASSHOLE. HE SAID SHE WAS WRONG WHEN SHE HAD THE RIGHT ANSWER AND WHEN I SAID THE ANSWER HE SAID I WAS RIGHT.

Viktoria: (making some criminals ears bleed) Oh god...is your professor still alive?

Reader: Yes

Five: UNFORTUNATELY. SOMEONE DECIDED TO STOP ME FROM PUTTING HIM IN HIS PLACE

Dean: (releasing an arrow into a guy) Five you would’ve put him in the grave.

Five: It’s where he belongs

Addison: (kicking a gun out of a criminal’s hand and across the room) Ringmaster, what did you do to stop him?

Reader: (disintegrating someone’s stomach) I had to use my powers to make him so dense he couldn’t jump. Believe me it took a lot to stop him.

Bren: (catching someone running away with his whip) Damn that’s crazy.

Lucas: (tossing a guy down a staircase) If it makes you feel better Five I would’ve done the same thing for Spotlight.

#five hargreeves #five #five x reader

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aen-maggs · 3 years

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YOUR MESS IS MINE - Chapter 7

There was a pounding at my door that sounded similar to the pounding in my head. I looked at the clock and realized it was noon already. Stumbling from my couch, I made it to the front door. Opening it without even looking through the peephole, I already knew who it was by the force of the knock.

"How the hell did you know where I live?" I asked while I squinted my eyes to the sunlight.

"A little birdie told me." Eddie said pushing passed me and walking into my living room.

"A Moxley Jay." I quipped and shut the door. Running my fingers through my hair, I tried not to feel embarrassed at how I looked. I was going to have to have a talk with our mutual friend. Jon knows both Eddie and I too well.

"Oh ho! Looks like someone demolished a bottle last night." He said pointing to the empty bottle and shot glass on my coffee table.

"Judgey much?" I said and went to the kitchen to make coffee. I was hung over for sure, but I didn't need him rubbing it in.

What are you doing here?" I demanded. He ignored me as he sat down on the barstool in my kitchen. He tilted his head to the bottle.

"Avoiding the nightmares or avoiding me?" He asked. I looked up from my coffee pot.

"Both." I said leaning against the counter. "Why are you here?"

"Why are you avoiding me?" He returned.

"What do you want, Eddie?" I said getting angry.

"Ok, don't answer. How about them dreams?" He was really pushing it.

"Damn will you stay off the nightmares? I have bad dreams. It's isn't abnormal." I said louder than I meant to.

"Nah. You are in self destruct mode. I can see it and as your friend, I am going to do what I can to stop you from fucking up your opportunities. You have to talk to someone. Stop being a cold hard bitch and let me in, just a little." Eddie snapped.

We got quiet, neither of us wanting to say the wrong thing and create a full blown argument. I brain and heart were processing the question as to why Eddie was here in the first place when he broke the silence.

"I'm sorry for being an ass yesterday. That's all I wanted to say." He stood up ready to go.

"Wait." I said. I couldn't believe it, but I didn't want him to go. I wasn't sure why, but I felt like I needed him to stay just for a while longer. I owed him, realizing that, I took a deep breath.

"A year before I met you," I started, "so that would be 8 or 9 years ago?" He said nothing, just stood staring at me. Like if he said anything I would hide behind my walls again.

"I was in a relationship, in fact I was engaged." I saw Eddie's jaw tighten. I figured he wouldn't like this bit of information, but it would only get worse. I continued.

"I was so young then. Stupidly optimistic and very insecure. It wasn't a healthy relationship. We argued a lot. He was often times uncaring and liked humiliating me. I mean, to the point of making me cry in bed because he got off on it." I stopped to catch my breath.

"Don't get me wrong, a little rough stuff is kinky and sexy, but he was too rough. No safe words. Just wanting to push me to make me break. But, you know me - I don't give in." I was avoiding his gaze, but I could see he was still staring at me with those pale blue eyes.

"One night we played a game. I was tied up. He got a stick. Beat my ass literally. Black and blue. I was in pain and crying and there was no way to make him stop. He didn't provide any comfort or after care. I was just a toy, a thing that he had control over. I finally got out of that place, and promised myself I would not be controlled by anyone again. I started wrestling not long after because he always said I wouldn't ever make it. Too weak." I realized I was crying and my tears began to roll down my cheek.

"My nightmares are of me being trapped in that house we shared and I can't get out. I feel every bruise again. Hear every hateful word or goading remark. There are no doors or windows. I'm just trapped. I wake up not knowing if it's real or not." I finished and started getting a coffee mug from the cabinet. Eddie was next to me before I put the cup down, pulling me close to him. I felt his heartbeat and smelled his scent of cologne and smoke and mint.

"Alright." He said softly, and I felt myself lean into him harder. I felt his rosary under his shirt and closed my eyes, feeling safe. I was angry at myself for crying in front of him. It hurt to open this past life up to anyone. Still, if anyone knew pain, it was Eddie.

I pulled away from him. He looked down at me as I wiped tears from my face. "Hey, it's done. We ain't gotta talk about it no more."

"Thank God." I said with nervous laughter.

"If I ever find out who he is, I'm gonna fuck Jim up something special." He said through gritted teeth.

"Ok ok," I said, shoving him playfully in the chest. He laughed and then leaned down and kissed me. His mouth was warm and his kiss was deep and tender. His tongue slid between my lips and I melted into him without resistance. I wanted him so bad in that moment, but he broke the kiss before I could make any move.

Looking down at me, Eddie straightened up and ruffled my hair. "Now, you have a big match. Get your shit together and let's go to work."

#aew fan fiction #aew fanfiction #eddie kingston fan fiction #eddie kingston fanfic #eddie kingston

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hillnerd · 4 years

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ptsd/c-ptsd, therapy & writing

(This is written by someone with CPTSD - I am not a mental health expert, and am just writing from my own experience! )

So a lot of writers want to incorporate PTSD and C-PTSD into their fiction. Sometimes people get it super right- other times I’m left cringing. I wrote this to help writers know more about it, then it also ended up being something I sent to a friend with PTSD as it got into it so she’d know more what the therapy process is like.

So! What’s it like to have PTSD? PTSD therapy vs regular therapy-How are they different? How are they the same? What does PTSD therapy consist of?

Trigger warning:

I will be describing therapy, talk of other disorders like anxiety and depression, and might use some 'you' talk - example 'once you've gone through this, then you start to feel better.' This will also skim over child abuse, suicidal ideation mentions and trauma in general- Read w/ caution if you are sensitive to this

general overview to PTSD and C-PTSD

I am diagnosed with PTSD, but it's actually C-PTSD*

C-PTSD or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder differs from PTSD in that it's more for people who have had chronic environments of trauma/abuse for years - and is currently proposed to have a certain symptoms not listed under PTSD symptoms.

Much of these symptoms have more to do with how one relates to other people, their self perception, and generally their learned behaviors in order to protect themselves long-term. PTSD is more about a specific event, of series of events that occurred in quick succession.

Despite the lack of official diagnosis, therapists treat people for CPTSD all the time- they just use a lot of the same tools they would for PTSD.

Not everyone who experiences trauma or battles develops PTSD, but there are factors that make you more inclined to develop it.

What is PTSD like?

There are many ways that people manifest PTSD/CPTSD symptoms.They are easy enough to google and be familiar with, but what's it ACTUALLY like for me.

a hair-trigger startle instinct I have had a few times where my husband is up at night, and I didn’t realize he was in the room- then I see the outline and start screaming- and can’t stop for like 2 minutes- then the crying settles in for 30 minutes. My traumas had nothing to do with strangers in the night. I just have a super intense startle instinct that sends my whole body into panic mode sometimes.

Hyper-vigilance- trying to control everything around you to keep you safe, and being super on edge keeping an eye out for how things will fall apart. Making sure things are locked, being extra wary of people, wanting to not have your back to people, perking up at every little noise etc.

issues sleeping- insomnia, light sleeping, & nightmares- Sometimes reliving a memory, or just having intense dreams that leave you exhausted the next day you can barely function. This ties in with hyper-vigilance a lot- so falling asleep and staying asleep can be hard.

Depression and anxiety- pretty self explanatory- but it's common to experience these, and for pills to not necessarily be that helpful without the therapy. Sometimes anxious self destructive thoughts and memories start haunting you and making you freeze up or panic, feel like you’re going to die/be left alone by everyone etc. Sometimes emotional abuse from your past starts coming up and haunting you and you feel all your selfworth leaving your body leaving behind nothing but the want to sleep all day/cut yourself off from people - at times this can turn to suicidal ideation and other really dangerous behaviors and thoughts.

Sudden mood switches/panic responses usually a trigger for these switches is something associated with your trauma- but basically when something associated with our trauma suddenly comes up sometimes it causes us to start having feelings and emotions that feel out of whack for the situation at hand.

Example: When I was a five I was beaten and locked on a sunny porch of a 2 story building with a sliding door. Once my husband blocked me on the way to the door so I wouldn’t accidentally walk into some freshly painted furniture on the other side of the sliding door. I immediately panicked and angrily screamed at him to’ let me GO! fuck you!!! when he’s the gentlest man in the world and has never ever been anything but kind and wonderful with me. Then after the rage wore off I was like crying and so sorry.

I’m usually not an ‘angry reaction’ person- I’m usually a freeze/cry type- but yeah.Sometime people get panicked in crowded places, or if they feel someone is mad at them, or if they feel trapped, or if they feel like they’re being abandoned.

Sometimes I’ll get super manic and impatient/snappish if there’s not a plan on what we’re doing at a crowded place (really it’s because I want an escape plan/safe place I know we can always go to- and feel vulnerable when it’s a lot of people standing around without a plan and feel like I’ll get lost/abducted)

intrusive negative thoughts

It’ll be the darkest weirdest repeating thoughts that you associate with emotional upset. In ptsd treatment there is a lot of going through the events and rethinking your conclusions you’ve taken away from them. It’s simplified a lot in shows to a simple ‘it’s not your fault’- which, yeah, that’s the crux of it- but the actual work of it is super intense, exhausting, and so much more in depth.

unhealthy coping mechanisms so a lot of people with ptsd will find ways to cope to help them fill an emotional void, or to cover up feelings etc. There are tons of ways people do this. Some will do extreme things like drugs, risky behaviors, drinking a lot etc Example: They experience a ‘violent retraumatizing’ moment like a pet getting killed in front of them- then later to cope have casual sex and drink too much in order to numb their emotions and not think about them.

A lot of ‘avoidance’ and ‘overdependence’ can be a part of ptsd. Like you might avoid certain things like the plague, or constrastingly might start using people or things or substances or food like an emotional crutch/security blanket instead of coping in a healthier way or learning to be independent.

Self protective steps you take might be super over the top, or self-destructive and borderline suicidal.

Sometimes trying to repress all your emotions and not express them is something you do to protect yourself.

This can be all over the map really- there are hundreds of examples!

triggering moments of your ‘Stuck points’

Stuck points are thoughts that keep us from recovering. Stuck points are concise statements that reflect a thought – not a feeling, behavior, or event.

Example of stuck points: 'If I let other people get close to me, I'll get hurt again', 'I am useless.' 'I'm broken', 'I can't trust anyone in authority', 'People will reject me if they get to know me/see me at my worst’ ‘I’m a monster.’ ‘I’m worthless’

These can come up and you won’t even realize it at first. You’ll have something super innocuous happen and all of a sudden you’re on the verge of a breakdown, angry and/or panicking for seemingly no reason.

These intense emotions will hit you and don’t feel like there’s any thoughts connected to them- there ARE thoughts behind it of course, but it takes a bit of deconstructing to figure it out though and realize ‘ooooh, there’s the thought train that was bubbling under the surface! I didn’t realize because thinking through my emotional processes was something I wasn’t allowed to do during my trauma- so now I don’t know how to instinctively do that even a little.’

Examples in fiction

Harry Potter in Order of the Phoenix where he is yelling at the drop of a hat when he feels abandoned/rejected by everyone. His reactions are so CLEARLY PTSD related to me. Actually, I think he has CPTSD and it just got to a tipping point due to the traumas he experienced in the graveyard.

Hunger Games Books Probably the best portrayal of PTSD, of books I’ve read, is Hunger Games. The movies glazed over it a bit- but the books? Oh man, they nail it so hard.

HP and Hunger Games both have protagonists who are great portrayals of ptsd. The anger, the disassociation, the depression, the nightmares, the inability to identify with humans at times, the self protective steps that are unhealthy, the coping mechanism of avoidance etc.

Disassociating

People describe this in tons of different ways, but personally I think of it like body/brain numbness. All of a sudden it’s like a blankness comes over you, almost like that hazy way of daydreaming, only instead of daydreams it’s nothing but a buzzing blankness with maybe like slight almost invisible undercurrent of panic. It’s like the body is paralyzed, and you can’t act or think or do anything but stare or numbly move a bit- it almost feels like your soul just left your body for a bit and you’ve been consumed by a white room of emptiness. Not a black void- it’s not being lost in darkness- it’s like being lost in the light, if that makes sense? Like think of a blank why void like in The Matrix where the whiteness goes on forever.

Flashbacks

In tv shows they often show it like it's a hallucination or something. Flashbacks are typically shown as a person basically becoming delirious and having visual and audio hallucinations, then perhaps even becoming violent to those around them because they literally see something different than what is real.

Again, this is my experience- but flashbacks have never worked like that for me. I more disassociate, and then all the emotions of that memory hit me, and in my brain I’m able to see bits and pieces of what happened back then, or even the whole thing- it’s like a SUPER intense memory/daydream/nightmare just settles in there for a bit- and you feel all the full emotions of it for a bit- can suddenly feel the sensations of it too at times-but at NO point am I actively moving about in a real room around people getting them confused with the past and lashing out at the hallucinations.

I’m just sitting there, or crying there- and if someone in the room with me were to talk to me they might have to get my attention because I'm deep in that daydream/flashback- but I’d hear them and see them once I realize I’m spacing out. The most outburst I’d have would be to not want anyone to touch me- or get super startled from someone touching me then pushing them away from me. That’s very different than the crazy shit they show on TV and movies sometimes.

BAD EXAMPLE: One particular one that still makes me mad is when that had Owen from Grey’s Anatomy sees a fan- then get ‘triggered into a ptsd episode’ where he is unblinkingly choking out Cristina as she begs him to stop for a long time. Like…. It’s one thing for someone to be startled and have their instinct be to strike out- that’s a very different thing from what they portrayed. If they wanted to show him as ptsd dangerous- which is worrisome to me as people with mental health are stigmatized enough- but if they wanted to- it would have made much more sense for her to startle him somehow and for him to just blindly strike out before he realizes it. With combat training, he could very well have instincts that aren’t safe when he’s over sensitized and startled.

What are the main treatments for PTSD?

Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)

CPT is the main treatment for PTSD. It is highly structured, and the majority of it is writing and worksheets. There is a LOT of writing and talking out about your trauma, writing and talking about how you process it, and analyzing it.

Beyond the traumatic memories, there is also noticing the behaviors you have that are related to your trauma and how they come out in every day scenarios. This leads to:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

This is not about processing past events, but about processing current behaviors/reactions and trying to slowly change those behaviors over time so that they are healthier reactions/coping mechanism in place.

Exposure therapy- Reliving memories

For PTSD some people do a lot of reliving the trauma memories by describing them in detail, every tiny detail they can think of- and basically reliving them, but then trying to reroute the emotional response to them.

Some people are SO repressed that this is a very difficult thing for them to access- both remembering the memory, but also knowing what their emotions were/are. These memories of trauma aren't always easy to remember/re-feel/access and that can be frustrating.

I personally am REALLY GOOD at reliving memories- in fact I'm so good that we have been avoiding it for a bit because i go straight into flashback mode way too easy (more on flashbacks and how they work later)

There are ways of doing this that are more than just revising the memory through talk therapy, that I haven't done and would require research on your part:

virtual reality to revisit the place

watching videos or listening to recordings of the event and talking it through

exposure therapy that's more about getting used to sounds/smells/words that are triggering

The main point though is to process the emotions tied to that event and not make your brain default to that flight/fight/freeze mode when triggering things happen.

IMPORTANT TOOLS FOR THERAPY

If a person hasn't had much therapy, CPT/CBT has a lot of learning for that person, and a LOT of trying to identify emotions and really feel them, so one can process them.

Grounding techniques/exercises-

techniques used to sooth/calm a person when activated- there are like thousands of these guys out there- I think everyone is a bit familiar with them- like breathing exercises in yoga? Basically it's a way of regrouping and centering yourself- 'grounding' you in reality, instead of letting your brain go off on a tangent/emotional rollercoaster.

It's basically any way you can snap your thinking out of your anxious thoughts and concentrate on something until your re-calibrate and are calmer.

Personally the breathing techniques make me freak out- so I don't use those. :P Ones I find helpful are ones like 'Name every color you can see.' or 'go through the alphabet and letter by letter name an animal that starts with that letter.' and 'hold an ice cube in your hand and concentrate fully on every sensation you're feeling.'example example

-CBT and CPT WORKSHEETS

god, SO many worksheets.

Here are some helpful links

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/cbt-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-worksheets/ --- This page covers cognitive distortions really well, and has some helpful resources and worksheets.

https://trailstowellness.org/resources This page has a lot of great worksheets for trauma.

https://www.psychologytools.com/professional/problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/- unfortunately you cannot access the documents here without paying- BUT you can read what the docs are, and how they will be used in a therapy setting- so can use that as a launch point for what sort of worksheets/phrases to google.

I specifically worked from Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD: A Comprehensive Manual a lot.

What is the structure of PTSD therapy?

First session

The first thing I had to do was fill out a questionnaire (PTSD test , cptsd questionnaire) to make sure she thought the treatment was appropriate. We talked about this a bit, what symptoms I had, talked over examples of it. I'm comfortable with therapy so this wasn't so bad for me, but I can see this being very difficult for people who aren't as comfortable in this setting and would need to be walked through it more and have more questions as they might not have a lot of self-awareness. We discussed goals, what could be achieved, and generally what it would be like. We went over the first worksheet and I was given homework of figuring out what my stuck points are.

Sessions after that

Each session we begin with typical therapy for a bit 'how was the last week? Were there any events I should know about?' Then we go over the worksheet I filled out, and analyze it, talk about examples, or apply it to trauma memories.

What is trauma therapy LIKE?

I always try to have the next day or so as free as possible after therapy, because afterwards I am wiped out, exhausted, and sometimes super triggered and crying afterwards.

The analogy I like to use is cleaning out a closet you keep hoarding stuff in:

Your house is your life, your brain is a closet, and PTSD/trauma is a messy hoarders type hidden away in the closet. When the door to this closet is closed you can almost pretend there isn't a mess there at all. Y ou close the door by being in denial, not thinking about your trauma, not acknowledging or processing it. You just keep stuffing the trauma into the closet.

But the longer you let the closet stay like that, the worse the situation gets. Soon that closet door keeps busting open and all sorts of crap falls out when you don't want it to. Freakouts, hypervigilance, meltdowns etc. The crap in the closet starts to multiply.

Ever seen Hoarders or Marie Kondo? You know how people are crying over t-shirts and crap and the house looks WORSE for a while? That's trauma therapy.

In therapy you have to open the closet door, take out ALL the crap you've been hoarding in the closet, process it, organize it, and then put things in order again. Every single box of trauma needs to be looked at then put away- The goal is to throw out the intense intrusive emotions tied to the junk. You have to keep your memories- but you don't have to keep holding on to the behaviors they've formed, the turbulent emotions, and the intensity of it all. During therapy at first it's fine. Kondo is walking you through it and it's all just fine and dandy- then you are faced with this HOARD of CRAP you have to work through- and it's SO overwhelming. My anxiety and depression got way worse for a while. Like, I was on EDGE and having nightmares and it was horrible. But then once you've processed the memories, and start actively applying what you've learned and start using grounding techniques more and more- things do get easier.

I am not fixed. I am not cured. I will have to continue to work through stuff- It's that whole 'healing is a not a straight line' thing. Like, there are times I regress and I hate it. :P But it's gotten a lot better.

IF YOU GUYS HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS I’M HAPPY TO HELP.

I figure this can be an ok resource for people who don’t know much about ptsd except what it says on like webmd (which isn’t that accessible to me) and want to write about it (or want to just know more about it)

( *C-PTSD has not been considered an official different disorder from PTSD for all that long. In fact, one technically can't be medically diagnosed with CPTSD in america yet. PTSD is diagnosable and has been considered an official disorder for decades, but C-PTSD has not been named a disorder of its own yet in the official guidebook of psychological disorders in the US (DSM). I think they might have JUST recognized it in the UK guidebook (ICD). I know it was proposed for the 11th addition.)

#ptsd #trauma #writing ptsd #writing trauma #mental health

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