#and that’s also adhd tangents for ya!!!!

[miss-conjayniality]

adhd meltdown over nu’est……….need to vent

NU’EST - a name that brings about a myriad of intense, tumultuous, goosebump-inducing emotions.

look….ima queue this shit cuz the thought of posting it in real time makes me cringe 💀

sigh. i hate getting this vulnerable. it’s uncomfortable. but i have to get this off my chest. it’s been two years since their disbandment. geez. time flies. and let me just tell you, this time of the year is always so sentimental to me. it hurts. it’s also when my adhd dives into extreme hyperfixation mode for them. no group (except for seventeen and skz) can invoke such feelings from me like nu’est does.

while I can still enjoy their music with love and gratitude even post-disbandment, there are rare occasions where i have to avoid listening to their music because it’s too painful to think of how it all ended. about what could’ve been.

i’ve been a DEVOUT nu’est stan since their debut in 2012 (alongside seventeen in 2013). i saw their peaks and troughs. and it feels like not only did i watch them grow, but also grew up with them.

and no i’m not saying this in a weird, creepy parasocial way. but genuinely in the sense that i’ve been listening to them since i was just a wee little middle schooler. their music, as well as numerous other groups from that era, served as the background music to my life.

thank you nu’est. thank you so much for filling my adolescence with insurmountable happiness during a phase in my life where I was clueless and insecure. thank you for being a source of comfort during my lowest periods. thank you for showing me the importance of grit and not letting a rock bottom phase hinder me from going after what I desire. thank you for helping me find solace in a community of fellow loves whom I still speak with to this day after all these years. and even though it’s been two years since the disbandment, it’s also been 12 years (wtf….no way) since the debut. and i WILL continue enjoying your music from years on out because it transcends time. it will always be a source of comfort and solace for me.

and even though I don’t truly wish to go back to the past, I will always cherish and respect the memories I held with your discography. and even though ot5 is no more, it’ll always be ot5 in my heart. forever and beyond.

every era evokes different eras of my own life - face, action, and hello from when I was just beginning middle school, sleep talking from when i was entering 8th grade. re:birth being released on my 15th birthday 🥺. their string of cringey japanese releases from when i was about to begin high school.

and of course, that segues into my next tangent - q is and beyond. during their inception, they had one of the most viewed debuts of their time and had a promising trajectory. face, action, and hello were all well-received. but then they fell into nugudom after sleep talking. and this was their first korean cb after 2 years. I remember rejoicing in happiness when q is came out. i remember listening to it on the way to my first period english class with my headphones and then continuing listening to it during our silent reading sessions lmao 😭💀. I cried happy tears and voted obsessively for them when they were promo-ing on music shows. they never won. but I was still happy and grateful they were back nonetheless. fast forward to later that year and they came back with an amaaazziingg fall album that i always come back to every september - canvas. this album was a source of comfort for me during that turbulent period coughs….the 2016 election…and when I started taking college classes in high school

we absolutely CANNOT talk about nu’est without discussing broduce 101. this absolute dumpster fire of a show tested my patience so much. I remember being PISSED when intl fans weren’t allowed to vote this season because I wanted to support my boys the same way I supported the pledis girlz who’d soon become p-…p….pristin….but that’s a tangent for another day daahhllliinnggss🥴🥴… i was so unhinged too that I even watched it during class sometimes LMAOOO HELP this is so hilarious to look back at😭💀

anyways I felt that this was simultaneously the best and worst season of p101 ever. most of the contestants were amazing and went on to release some gooood music afterwards. but good fucking god mnet tugged at my heartstrings wayyy too hard. I couldn’t stand it. as someone who is also a dedicated predebut carat, I also watched it for my baby samuel 🥺😢 mnet did both nu’est and sammy so dirty.

I remember the p101 s2 finale so vividly. I remember it like it was yesterday. I promised myself I wouldn’t peek at any social media that day but during lunch break i ACCIDENTALLY opened twitter and the moment I saw the spoilers, tears immediately made their way to my eyes. it broke my heart so bad. that entire day I was a fucking mess trying to make it through my last three classes of the day. the moment I got home, the first thing i did was lock myself in the bathroom and cry for an hour. I then cried even more in the shower.

it hurt me so bad seeing minhyun sobbing like that. the way jr still had the biggest smile on his face with happy tears for minhyun despite not making it into wanna one’s lineup still tests my sanity.

and the final straw? seeing the camera panning to seungcheol’s somber expression and samuel’s parents. and good fucking grief…….I cannot even imagine how seungcheol must’ve felt. I don’t think I could ever fathom the level of sorrow he felt at that very moment. for both nu’est and samuel. seeing all of his former colleagues that he himself grew up with being used as mere pawns by mnet. even after all these years, I still have to hold back tears whenever I dwell on this moment.

luckily that sorrow was soon followed by joy. when they created nu’est w as a workaround for minhyun’s year at wanna one, I was elated to see how successful they were doing on the charts and the way yEoBoSaYoOoO never dies🤣💀

where you at. deja vu. help me. all solid title tracks with immaculate b-sides to top it all off. ahhh. what a breath of fresh air the nu’est w era was. seeing them finally have their redemption after years of ridicule. and look….as much as I adored wanna one, part of me couldn’t wait until minhyun was finally back with nu’est sjsjsjsjsk😭

And when that moment came? OOOOOOF OMG!!!! I cannot stress ENOUGH how much I love happily ever after!!!! WHAT A COMEBACK ALBUM THAT WAS!!! NOT A SINGLE FUCKING SKIP! I still enjoy listening to it. it was an era that showed that they’re finally back in full force.

I felt that this era reflected nu’est in their fullest, highest form. THIS is who nu’est is! THIS is what their music sounds like! THIS is their image. if I were to introduce nu’est to anyone, I’d show them this album first.

later that year, they released the table and a string of songs with spoonz. such an underrated era tbh. not as strong as happily ever after was. but BOY OH BOY these guys KNOW how to drop a solid disco style song. love me is suuuch an ear worm that deserves more appreciation tbh.

and can we talk about THEEEE fucking NOCTURNE!?!?? OH MY GOODNESS WHAT AN ERA!!!! I’m in trouble is one of my fav title tracks next to bet bet. not even joking. reason being is coz as a britney stan, it really reminds me of oops I did it again lmaooo. moondance is one of my fav nuest b-sides EVERRR! AND THE WAY IT WAS PRODUCED BY JC CHASEZ FROM NSYNC TOO!?!??? I never expected to see my worlds colliding like this. just to clarify, I have a love-hate relationship and one-sided beef with nsync because of what justin did to britney. JC DESERVED BETTER! HE DESERVED WHAT J*STIN GOT!!! AGGGH but that’s a tangent for another day daahhlliinnggsss……..😪🤐

the nocturne really comforted me during the pandemic. during this point in time, I remember thinking “wow. it’s been 8 years. and even through this moment of global darkness, they’re still going strong and bringing light to their fans”.

a year later, they released their 2nd full album and their first release under the hybe acquisition and a week before drunk-slayed🥰what a slayful month april was. inside out wasn’t my absolute fav title track but I definitely found it to be a refreshing spring anthem. AND i llooovvee me some nu’solos 🤌🏼🤌🏼

i remember hearing about the news of NU’EST’s disbandment and going WHAT!?!??? it was as if I IMMEDIATELY felt my world turning upside down. I was in the middle of studying for finals AND wrapping up my internship. it was stressful already. i also went on a cold turkey social media fast. BUT I accidentally opened youtube and it threw off my whole vibe when studying for my exams.

I felt like a fucking wreck. It wasn’t until after that shitstorm was over when I actually checked out needle and bubble (lazy ass album thanks to hybe) and sobbed THEEEE absolute UGLIEST tears ever.

it broke my heart to see hybe disbanding nu’est like at the drop of a hat because they were JUST having their second career glory. they threw all of NU’EST’s hard work down the drain. and it’s disappointing because we could’ve seen more nu’enha and nu’txt interactions (living off my very few minhyun and baekho crumbs since they’re still under hybe) 😢 we could’ve seen them and seventeen together being big brothers to the youngsters and witnessed what would’ve been the sweetest, most wholesome interactions ever. sigh. the very few nu’enha and nu’txt interactions that exist are the crumbs I will madly eat.

NU’EST’s lore/backstory is what makes them iconic. and it’s amazing how even to this day they STILL inspire “nugu” idols to get a second chance and redeem themselves. no other group has the story nu’est does and that’s also another reason I respect them so much. what they’ve accomplished is not an easy feat. and their persistence in keeping their dreams alive actually inspires me to keep going in life even when I’m at my lowest. nu’est may be ‘disbanded’, but their story lives on and will continue to inspire and motivate others.

thank you aaron. thank you jr. thank you baekho. thank you minhyun. thank you ren.

thank you nu’est.

#q ♡ : spotted! a peek inside heidi’s queuetique #heidi’s tangents ♡ #BRUH….😭 not my rant being the length of a whole ass FANFIC💀 #embarrassing…. #well??? #that’s adhd hyperfixations for ya!!🤪 #and that’s also adhd tangents for ya!!!! #nu’est #nuest #minhyun #hwang minhyun #baekho #nuest ren #nu’est ren #nu’est jr #nuest jr #aaron kwak

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads

What Stalks Among Us

YA thriller

two best friends skip a field trip to explore some old forgotten backroads - and get trapped in a looping corn maze full of weird shit, including their own dead bodies

they have to figure out how to get out, what’s killing them, what’s causing the maze, and face their traumas

fat girl MC with anxiety, both are bi and have ADHD, no romance

#What Stalks Among Us #aroaessidhe 2023 reads #sarah hollowell #wait i just noticed it's them on her shirt on the cover... #i enjoyed this a lot! #it really immediately gets into it huh. not any build up. but in hindsight that makes sense #it gets a little repetitive in places but it works and I love how it all tied together #no romance #(it DOES explore past abusive relationships as a theme but very much just the effects of healing from that rather than showing #much of the actual relationships) #I really love how it emphasised how important their friendship is without there even being a question of it being romantic #(but also exploring that a bit re: the side character stuff in a way that I think is great) #it does make references and then explain them a lot (though also i get that could be an adhd thing with ur mind going on a tangent) #she even is like man i wish my brain would stop making all these pop culture references! #that plus a few other aspects of the writing felt a bit unsubtle - but also it is YA its allowed to be #that and a few other aspects of the writing felt a bit unsubtle - but also it is YA its allowed to be #also some of the references made me laugh LMAO. including: #'remember when you thought the maze followed crossroad rules from supernatural. do you think the maze knows about super hell' #i cannot fault someone for saying heckin wimdy because I sure do that. well not 'heckin' but #anyway felt like realistic teens #bisexual books

[batfamhyperfixation]

Look, I've seen people saying that Dick is the one with ADHD, and as someone with moderate ADHD I need to tell y'all, you're focusing on the wrong sibling. Ya wanna know which sibling would really have ADHD?

Tim

Like I get that Dick is a hyper acrobat (oh my god, not to go off on a side tangent but did they make Dick and acrobat cause it has the word bat in it?), but kids tend to be hyper and I think any kid who could do acrobats would do it constantly just cause it's fun

But like Tim shows major signs, like

- the whole joke with Tim is literally that he hyperfixates to an unhealthy degree on cases, like that is literally an ADHD tendency, sitting at a computer for 15 hours without taking breaks to sleep or eat or go to the bathroom or shower is literally one of the most ADHD things you can do and is literally one of the things that makes ADHD a disorder (cause it ruins normal functioning and it makes life worse)

- I could not imagine a better way for an ADHD character to be introduced than the way Tim is, unique from any other Batkid mind you (I'll put a picture of tags I just wrote for another post that is currently sitting in my drafts [don't mind the rainbow I just found out Tumblr can add filters to photos and I think this makes it easier to read]:)

- the whole coffee thing; for undiagnosed people with ADHD, coffee is good cause the caffeine calms us down (even my therapist has told me this) so the 'Tim drinks 15 cups of coffee' fanon out there is literally something that would align with him having undiagnosed ADHD

- Tim likes solving puzzles/cases but hates school so much he would drop out? ADHD. Tim is considered a great detective? People with ADHD tend to be seen as making connections quicker (which in places like school can cause us to either 1) only make surface level connections and not fully understand 2) make us finish quicker and thus get bored or have extra time to "disturb the class" 3) get frustrated really easily when things don't come to us right away) and like most kids with ADHD in their later years either have gifted kid burnout syndrome or Not Living Up to their Full Potential™ because teachers and parents "know they're smart, if only they would apply themselves in school, then they would succeed"

- Tim feels he imposed on Batman cause he was the only one who wasn't 'chosen' to be Robin so he works twice as hard? Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a common symptom of ADHD and so we not only are usually self deprecating like Tim, but we also will have lower self esteem like Tim and we will work twice as hard in certain situations we care about to justify why we should be there

and if you want I can keep going on but I'll stop here cause it is already starting to get really long, but just like... no one talks about how Tim is the perfect person to have ADHD and I'm gonna need y'all to start talking about it (and I'm not saying Dick doesn't have ADHD, I'm just saying I never see people talk about Tim in relation to ADHD and I feel like it just fits him perfectly)

#also bernard has ADHD #cause neurodivergents flock together #and Bernard actively talks about tons of 'bizarre topics' all the time and his newest conspiracy? ADHD #he cant live up to his parents expectations and would rather just play video games? ADHD #tim drake #adhd #sorry for that rant #long post #tim drake red robin #tim drake robin #tim drake headcanon

[system-of-a-feather]

So I was reconnecting with an anonymous friend (/j) and we were talking about ADHD and Autism cause those were both things we ended up realizing we had that was obvious in hindsight - but the topic of hyperfixation vs special interest and where the line is drawn came up and I had to like read into it (and I might ask my therapist who specialized in AuDHD) but from what I'm getting is hyperfixations are very intense focus and interest on one topic where its all that the brain really wants to think about where as special interests are these chronic long standing specific topics that persist throughout large periods if not all of life and serve as these large motivating factors for autistic people and things they tend to center their life around and its really made me realize that my special interests are a lot shorter and more specific than what I thought

And I also realized that the whole thing of how I REALLY can't enjoy life unless I have a reason or place it falls into is kinda just because I literally don't have interest in engaging in life if I can't make it relate to my special interests and the plans I want to do with it. I really Do Not exist or live much outside of my special interests and it takes a lot of effort to broaden my horizons to things that actually involve my social and emotional needs (which I do because I need to in order to survive) but like.... I literally don't care for living if not for my special interests; and I don't mean that really in a stereotypically depressed way, I have no issue with life and my life doesn't suck or anything, but I have literally no motivation to do anything that isn't related to my special interest and so I tend to get suicidal if I loose interest in them because I just don't have the motivation to live. Again, not for any "sad" reason, just chemically, I go "welp breathing takes up more effort than its worth maybe I should just die cause I'm not motivated"

And I realize, that is a large place where I really struggle to understand people that don't run on a similar wavelength and its a large reason why I always know what and where I'm doing and what I want to do - because I ALWAYS want to do something connected to a handful of topics and if I don't then my brain would just rather lay down and die than chronically live for reasons other than my special interests.

Everything I do, everything I'm motivated to engage in, is because it ties back to one of the following:

Behavioral and Psychological Phenomenon (how and why animals and people are the way they are and the facets that go into it)

Birds

Research

The creation and sharing of complex fictional worlds

And a lot of them, as I've recovered trauma and integrated parts, I've had to recover that were latched off from the rest and I think additional two others that have always been important that I'm not sure if they are properly Special Interest level or not yet since I'm not as well connected with them but

Game making is probably somewhere to be integrated into the concept of creation and complex fictional worlds but I don't have the verbage to label it cohesively

Nature and understanding the way the world is within itself

And I was going to say a totally different tangent / ramble on this topic, but I think when looking at it, my special interest as a very broad integrated topic is "Experiences of the real and fictional world and the means of exploring and sharing it"

And so I like to think, I like to talk, and I like to share a lot - and for some reason its all bird themed because autism can't be cohesive without the random creature theming

But ya know, rambling

#alter: riku #alter: fei #actuallydid #actually autistic #special interest #special interests #recovery #riku rambles

[blackthorn-legion-irl]

(Hopping on the main cuz ya already know it)

Yep and yep as a response to those tags.

Also you have not mentioned the Ho-oh hybrid thing as far as I'm aware? *Eyes* That's cool!

//yeah i needed a character if i was going to make an actual blog, and she didn't have any existing lore that i remembered that would conflict (or any at ALL i think), so i grabbed her from. a bunch of characters from over a decade ago //basically her hair was golden and did the ho-oh curls thing and she had the wings. i think the arc she was going to be introduced in never happened because i was like 15 with undiagnosed adhd and went off on another tangent instead so

#//ooc post

[sillyplacetoputpicsforsharing]

How My ADHD Affects Me (From The POV OF My Friends)

ADHD causes brain fog but I also have brain fog from a multitude of different sources including; pain, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, PTSD, multiple medications. I am also most likely forgetting something.

ya, that's adhd too with the scattered never ending onslaught of tangents

ADHD: constantly starting and stopping tasks. You seem to have trouble staying on topic or slowing down when you're excited. Issues with processing information

You talk faster when you're excited, and you also seem to have trouble slowing down.You seem to have trouble staying on topic or slowing down when you're excited

Or sticking to one topic that's probably a better way to phrase it.

Difficulty to maintain focus, difficulty remembering, hard time finishing complex tasks?

I'd associate your adhd with the brain fog

I have brain fog and cognitive issues from a multitude of sources including

Did that twice, it's up at the top too ______________

______________________________

Next section probably copied twice but I take no chances and no prisoners

______________________________

ADHD causes brain fog but I also have brain fog from a multitude of different sources including; pain, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, PTSD, multiple medications. I am also most likely forgetting something.

ya, that's adhd too with the scattered never ending onslaught of tangents

ADHD: constantly starting and stopping tasks. You seem to have trouble staying on topic or slowing down when you're excited. Issues with processing information

You talk faster when you're excited, and you also seem to have trouble slowing down.You seem to have trouble staying on topic or slowing down when you're excited

Or sticking to one topic that's probably a better way to phrase it.

Difficulty to maintain focus, difficulty remembering, hard time finishing complex tasks?

I'd associate your adhd with the brain fog

I have brain fog and cognitive issues from a multitude of sources including

^^You did this whole section twice^^

______________________________

Is it possible to put these following paragraphs in a way people who are not mentally ill can understand? So that it makes sense about how my brain be bouncin' around?

Not sure, my brain runs on adhd too so it all makes sense to me ___________________-

Also Gmoney these photos are reminding me that I wanted to show you how fuckin red my ears were earlier so send me a message tomorrow and remind me to show you please. btdubs just thinking that I wanted to show you those pics while I was doing scribbling out important info at the same time also eating while also still doing my appeal shit really made me pause and be like... oh shit I really do be havin the ADHD.

Also also I have been listening to musical soundtracks with my mom all day while doing the appeal and before I finished drawing over those messages, during which remembering that I wanted to tell you about my ears, I also got distracted because there's a lyric in the Annie song about giving someone Mickey Finn's and I was like the fuckin is that so like I really do really do be havin ADHD.

Also also also I got distracted from all of THAT by wanting to fill up my mom's medication holder. So again I really do be havin the ADHD

It's extremely frustrating because I constantly and I mean constantly go out of my way to help her and her kid I constantly buy them things I clean her room almost every time I'm up there and that's means a lot cuz my place looks like a fucking shitstorm

I am just really really fucking tired of having friends I put so much good will and care into without getting even a quarter of it in return.

I'm constantly getting presents for her or Tyson.

Also sorry some of this does not make sense I am using talk to text.

I have no idea why shit like this always happens to me I had a friend in high school who me and my mom went so fucking out of our way to take care of her cuz her mom was an alcoholic and her grandma and her uncle constantly smoked in the house so she always smell like cigarettes We bought her tampons we bought her clothes She was on her f****** Christmas ornament and then one time she came to my house when I wasn't there and told my mom I was having sex and smoking pot. And I wasn't even doing it! Yet lmfao. ________

yet, nice.

People can suck that's just how that goes sometimes gotta decide if it all worth it with people, had folks like that and sometimes you need the person more than the stuff, bounces around a lot though.

#llama #llamas #alpaca #alpacas

[im-a-lil-simp]

Hiiii!! How you doin? I hope you're doing well :) I was just wondering if i could get a ADHD reader with Dream. I know he's a ND as i am and i wanted to feel confident about it beacuse normally im not :( Love you and yout write. Thanks for your time and reading my request :) See ya!

Hi! I don't have adhd but I am neurodivergent and I have many friends who have adhd. I love all of my ND folks. You're amazing and this is for you!

I made this into headcannons because I wasn't exactly sure how I wanted to put this into a fic. I know it's probably not accurate, but I tried!

You both kind of like that you're both neurodivergent.

The fact that both of you being ND makes things a lot easier since you understand each other a little better.

Even though it doesn't affect you the same, there are similarities and you guys can make better accommodations.

You love it when he infodumps.

You know exactly how much hyperfixations matter to him and especially you.

So when he just unloads about one of his favorite topics, it make you smile and your heart warm.

He just looks so happy and you love hearing about what he's passionate about.

But oh boy when it's your turn.

It's like the John Mulaney bit.

He 'talk talk talks' and you're like ooooo it's my turn next.

Sometimes you feel a little guilty about info dumping to him,

But he always knows a way to pry it out of you anyway.

The look on his face when you're going on about your topic.

He looks so infatuated with you and anyone could tell from a mile away just how much he loves you.

It's also a little dangerous when you're together.

You tend to distract each other easily before you're reminded what you're actually supposed to be doing.

You'll tell him you have to go to the store, and you'll go off on a tangent about some other thing it reminded you of, and then forget you need to go for another 30 minutes.

Same with him, he goes to record,

And then you pop in.

He was late to that session and he didn't hear the end of it.

On the other side of the spectrum,

Sometimes you have to pull each other out of hyper focus.

He gets so much tunnel vision, especially when editing.

So you must be the amazing and fantastic partner that you are and tell him to come eat something.

If you set it next to him, there's a 50 percent chance he won't eat it.

This is why you make him get up and follow you.

But he also knows that you have that same habit.

He usually tries to relieve it by throwing himself all over you.

It's kind of annoying but,

You know.

It's also kind of cute so you don't want to tell him to stop.

You guys are a little chaotic, but you know how to help each other the best.

#mcyt x reader #dreamteam #georgenotfound #mcyt #dreamsmp #dreamwastaken #sapnap #dream team x reader #dreamwastaken x reader #dream x reader

[jazzzzzzhands]

Im starting to watch the I <3 Arlo series (Arlo the alligator boy)

and in the 3rd Episode, It shows Alia (cat girl) clearly struggling with her ADD problems (Attention Deficit Disorder, or if ur not old like me, its ADHD)

And As an individual who has coped with this my entire life, I would like to add my insight into it! Mind you that everyone works differently and different people may need different ways of functioning!

I have functioned slightly different as long as I can remember. I recall being in daycare and my mom (working in daycare) was telling a story, but I was playing with a mirror during the entire story. She told me i wasn't paying attention, but i was able to summarize the entire story.

Meanwhile I also have the amazing ability to stare directly at you and not hear a single word you say

My point being, that i focus BY MULTITASKING

I Usually have to be doing something else, usually physical. If i find myself trapped in a conversation, I fidgit a LOT. Because I'm desperately trying to do 2 things at once so that I can retain anything you say. I also lack facial recognition skills and view people in a slightly different way than normal people. Like I will remember mannerisms or your body type, voice, the way you walk. But I won't truly remember what you look like.

Sry off topic there, but maybe it was related. I speak VERY physically with my hands and I may pace or shift a lot in place and I will not be looking at you. I fuss with my hair and arms a LOT. This doesn't mean I'm paying attention, if I'm working and talking, know that you have 100% my attention. So if I'm purposefully distracting myself, it helps me focus better. Kind of like stimming.

I really like how they showed the distraction vividly. I actually appreciate them showing how frustrated she was with herself. Sometimes it can be obsessive. I find hyper fixation rare for me, but when I do. I will legit get upset because I cannot stop what I'm doing even if it interferes with my job! I've apologized more than a few times for not getting a task done because I was obsessed with a project I wanted to do. (But usually my project is so impressive that they are not mad at me)

Dunno if related but I get energy surges! Especially if I'm feeling particularly happy/excited. Sometimes by just talking to someone or them responding to me! They are so potent that I must express them physically. I rub my hands together really really fast as if building up an electric shock! (Dunno if that is anything to do with ADD but it's something odd I do)

This got longer than I meant it to be, but that's going off on tangents for ya. Just thought it would be interesting to provide insight on what it's like to cope with ADD and how I personally function.

#ADD #ADHD #insight #explaining #jazzisaspazz #longtextpost #autistic??? #i hear its related #this was better in my head #this looks like a chaotic tangent now but i hope it makes sense to ppl #do i always type in such frantic manners? #sheeeesh

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Complexities Unknowable- Chapter 7 (Finale!)

Ao3,   1    2    3    4    5    6.  MasterPost

Relationships: Deintruality, background Analogince

Warnings: Cursing, Remus-typical language and jokes, Minor self-deprication/insecurity, the ol’ ‘thinks-it’s-unrequited-and-is-oblivious-to-obvious-flirting’ song and dance, all sympathetic sides, feelings of being left out, also I accidentally projected too hard and now Patton has adhd oops. 

Word Count: 4,000 (approximately)

Patton felt better than he could ever remember feeling. Sleep came easy as it hadn’t for him in years. It was amazing how far a little bit of understanding went.

When all your closest friends are together, you get lonely. Patton wouldn’t say that he was jealous, but everything was different now. When he used to spend time with the others, it was four pals spending quality time together! Now when they did, it was a date, except oops! Patton’s here too! How awkward!

He knew that was unfair. They didn’t really think of him that way, of course not. Hence why he didn’t bring it up.

It wasn’t like that with Remus and Deceit. Even though they were dating, Patton never felt left behind. Their humor was dark and snarky but accessible, not laden with inside jokes that he’d missed out on or specific clues that he didn’t pick up. 

The inclusiveness they treated him with was probably borne from being excluded for so long, though he didn’t like to think about that. The fact was, the three were friends now, the past was past, and Patton was drinking in their companionship like fine wine (or, to be more accurate to himself, a grape juice box).

It did not take him long to figure out why he was so fond of their company. You can only spend so much time with Deceit prattling about the dangers of repression before you start to unearth all of those deeply buried feelings.

He’d fallen for the Dark Sides. Whoops. 

Could you really blame him? Deceit, suave and clever and funny, yet so gentle when he wanted to be; Remus, bold and brash and energetic, but still with such a deep empathy hidden in him! It was no wonder that the two were already together- anyone who spent as much time with them as they spent with each other would be head-over-heels as well! (Patton was speaking from experience on that one). 

Initial surprise regarding the feelings had soon faded to something almost comfortable. He was happy to have them as his friends alone, so what was a little crush? No big deal!

...Was what he had thought ten minutes ago, when there wasn’t an affectionate Remus wrapped around him, chattering off various compliments.

“I could hold you forever, Patty. You are just the softest, like a water balloon full of blood and organs! But still so ripped, I mean, damn!”

“Language,” Patton chided meekly, trying very hard to not dissolve into the ether.

“Awww, you can’t make an exception for me? Just this once? I’ll make it worth your while~,” the last part was a hushed sing-song right near Morality’s ear. He felt his face redden, but forced himself away to refocus on… whatever he had been doing.

“Nope, no exceptions,” he chirped, going back to- right! Cleaning!

“You aren’t tempted at all? You are so responsible- and that’s really one of the sexiest qualities there is.”

It was just Remus’ nature to talk to people like that, Patton told himself firmly. The Creative side was just expressing his friendly affection in a way that made sense to him. It came alongside being close to someone so unused to ‘typical’ friendship dynamics, after all. Patton reminded himself of this again and again, denying himself the desperate urge that welled up and told him to respond in kind. He would not purposefully misinterpret Remus’ actions for his own gain, he was better than that!

“Thank you, Rem,” just nice, platonic gratitude for nice, platonic compliments. 

Eventually, finally, mercifully, The Duke had seemed to get bored. He disentangled himself from Patton (appearing rather crestfallen, though the moral trait wasn’t sure why), and wandered off. 

But that, whether for good or for bad, was hardly the end of that.

Deceit’s room was magnificently cozy. It was armchairs that swallowed up whomever sat in them, warm lamps casting down on all surfaces, and jazzy music playing distantly in the background. In other words, the perfect place for a good cup of tea and some sandwiches, not to mention pleasant conversation.

Deceit lounged back in his oversized chair, sending Patton an inscrutable look across their teacups. The side smiled, hoping that was the appropriate response.

“So,” he drawled, switching the track of their conversation abruptly, “You’re something of a seamster, aren’t you?”

Patton stared blankly for a moment before the term clicked.

“Oh, you mean a seamstress?”

“Sorry, I thought you’d prefer the masculine, but that really was presumptuous of me,” Deceit amended in apology. 

“I didn’t know that there was a word for it other than seamstress. Hey, isn’t it kinda weird how some jobs are like that, when you think about it? Like how there’s actors and actresses! Why wouldn’t ‘actor’ be all encompassing, ya know?”

Deceit made a vague noise of disinterest and waved his hand, as though manually cutting off the tangent in conversation.

“Yes, gender is a distasteful societal construct and an overall prison to our consciences, we both agree- but regardless, you sew. Make clothing and things like our quilt. Isn’t that right?”

“Right- yes.”

“Do you make all of your own clothes, then?”

“Hmm, sometimes I do- I mostly make stuff for the others. It’s easier to conjure simple stuff for myself, but making them is a lot of fun!” Morality gestured enthusiastically to the pastel pink sweater that he wore, fluffy and intricately patterned. 

Deceit’s eyes glinted in a strange, intimidating, and also incredibly hot way. Patton almost forced the attraction out of his mind, before realizing that that kind of repression would definitely be noticed in this part of the Mindscape. 

“I would have to say you have quite the talent, in that case,” the dishonest trait set down his cup and craned his body over the small table between them, heterochromatic gaze alight with… something. Patton cleared his throat. 

“W-Why’s that?” 

“You look positively hideous in that, my Dear,” he purred in obvious lies, gloved hands now sitting in the middle of the table and creeping forward by the inch.

“Aw, thanks,” Patton croaked, fighting the urge to lean forward in turn. 

Something strangely disappointed flashed in Deceit’s eyes, but he quickly recovered. He reached out to run a hand along Patton’s sleeve, the touch lingering against his arm.

“My my, that’s just like a cloud. How did you manage that, Darling?”

Morality shivered as Deceit continued to toy with the fabric of his sweater. 

“I-It’s probably because it’s made with love! Since that’s what I am, kinda,” he stammered, desperately trying to keep up the cheery tone.

“I’m inclined to agree. There’s beauty in all you touch, Sunshine.”

Oh, the pet names. Patton really couldn’t take it; he jerked away and pressed his back against the chair, before he had the chance to do something stupid. Honestly, it was sad how hard this was for him- Deceit was just trying to be a good friend! It wasn’t his fault that he showed it with flirts!

“You’re too sweet,” with distance reestablished, Morality found it much easier to formulate words, “I really appreciate you, Dee.”

Deceit blinked, still hovering over the table. He cleared his throat and snapped back into his seat, suddenly looking the part of the cold and distant Dark Side that Patton had feared just months prior. Guarded, callous, stoic. It was almost frightening, how quickly he changed. 

“Yes, I know you do. Let’s change topics, shall we?”

Patton, feeling quite a bit of whiplash, nodded hesitantly. Their conversation continued to flow normally, for the most part, but he couldn’t help feeling that he’d messed up somewhere. There was something heavy over them, but Patton hadn’t the slightest idea what it was. 

For a brief, dizzying moment, he wondered if they were moving backwards. If he’d somehow crossed a line when he was trying so hard not to, and now they were two steps back again. Just the thought of it made him too sick to finish his tea.

Patton didn’t have to be worried for long about that particular mishap, thankfully, as a very momentous occasion had swallowed up the fear. Remus and Deceit were going to be joining in their first ever movie night as part of the family! 

There’d been plenty of TV marathons with just them and Pat already, but now they’d all come together! As part of the group!! Contributing to the voting and the arguing and the joking and the experience of it all!!! Needless to say, Patton was practically bouncing off the walls in his excitement. 

He plopped down onto the couch with a bowl of popcorn, passing a much larger container of snacks to the amorphous blob of limbs and sass that had once been his three best friends, cuddled together far across from him. Now, all they needed were the Dark- sorry, former Dark Sides.

He wasn’t waiting for long before Deceit and Remus appeared in the living room (Remus, thank the lord, wearing actual pajamas). Patton couldn’t contain the happy little chirp that escaped him, scrunching himself to one side of the sectional so that they’d have plenty of room to make themselves at home.

Rather than huddling together in the crook of the curved sofa, however, Deceit immediately gestured for Patton to scooch over, and Remus sat on his other side. Morality was happy (if a bit surprised) to comply with this new seating arrangement, flashing them bright smiles. In light of recent events, being so close with both of them was a little dizzying, but it wasn’t too hard to bear. For now.

The conversation on which movie to watch that night was more agreeable than usual, which was nice; they got right to the marathon with little hassle. Patton sighed as the opening credits to Tangled played. At that moment, his life couldn’t get any more wonderful. Surrounded by the people he cared about, finally all together, it was perfect. 

And then, a mere ten minutes in, Remus leaned his chin on Patton’s shoulder and pressed into his side. 

“Mother Gothel is such a Milf.”

Patton would usually have been put off by the sexual comment, but at that moment Deceit had also seemed to decide that he’d make a good headrest. Which was fine, this was fine. Some mild friendly cuddling- nothing he couldn't handle!

Another twenty minutes later and Remus twisted an arm around his waist. Deceit held Patton’s hand between a couple of his own. By this point, they were beginning to look a lot like the cuddle pile wrapped up together on the other side of the couch. He was still alive, though!

Neither of the sides beside him moved an inch until the film ended, only begrudgingly letting go when Morality had to get up for a snack refill. Even then, they latched back onto him as soon as he returned. Thus began the second movie, and the beginning of Patton's slow and snuggly death.

Every few minutes, it would be something else: Deceit ran a hand or two through his hair, Remus hooked his leg around Patton’s, Deceit nuzzled against his neck, Remus laughed into his shoulder, et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Three movies in and he was barely keeping up with the conversation. His head was spinning and he was sure he’d never been so warm, but more than that he felt protected. Even adored. He wasn't often on the receiving end of affection, and the longing brought with it ached, but he never wanted it to end.

Then Virgil yawned (oh yeah, the other three were still there), exiting from the ending credits of All Dogs Go To Heaven and clicking back to the main screen.

“Bed time,” he grumbled, a tone so intimate and low and clearly meant for his boyfriends that Patton almost felt bad for overhearing it. 

“It is getting quite late,” Logan agreed, standing to stretch. Roman followed suit and dragged a  sleepy Anxiety up with him.

Virgil tossed the remote in Patton's general direction and let Roman haul him up in his arms (Deceit caught it with an unoccupied arm, given that the moral side’s brain was currently jelly). The three bid their goodnights and were gone with a few shimmers of color and a whoosh.

“I guess we should head up, too,” Patton murmured, working very hard to disguise his reluctance. To his surprise, the traits sandwiching him only sank further into his sides.

“Oh, you’re absolutely right, it’s so very late,” Deceit rumbled, his face partially hidden in the crook of Patton’s neck.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted. I can’t move,” Remus added, his voice ticking up in a noticeably mischievous way. 

“I can’t either. We should stay, just like this.”

Patton's heart warmed, looking between their adorably sleepy faces. He couldn’t lie, the offer was tempting, but in such a situation his brain came back to him. Despite the continued proximity of his crushes, this was something he could handle! 

“Aww, don’t you worry about it, I’ve got ya,” and, making very sure that his grip was secure, Patton stood up with Deceit and Remus cradled in either arm. He hardly staggered under the weight of the sides, familiar with such heavy lifting. 

Remus and Deceit went from sleepiness to pure shock in a matter of milliseconds. Deceit instinctively clung to Patton with all of his limbs, meanwhile Remus gave a startled laugh. Their faces were a matching pink; oh, he could have made them uncomfortable!

“Is this okay? I promise I won't drop you.”

Remus nodded frantically; Deceit squawked in an affirming sort of way. 

Relief washed over Patton and, satisfied with the response, he sank out in a circle of cyan. For a moment, he feared that the nausea that The Subconscious usually brought him would unsteady him, but he was left pleasantly surprised when he felt none. In fact, it felt just like rising up anywhere else. Just as easy as breathing. Hm.

He didn’t dwell on it too long, ascending The Subconscious’ staircase and bringing his cargo to the first bedroom he saw (Deceit’s). He nudged the door open with his shoe, carrying them right to the bed and dropping them down gently. Remus fell onto his back with a happy hum; Deceit stayed upright and stared at Patton with wide eyes. He huffed a laugh and nudged The Snake's shoulders, and Deceit let himself fall beside his boyfriend, dazed. 

This was routine for Patton: grabbing the covers and blanketing his friends, as he’d done for probably every other side at one point or another (even Logan, though he would deny it furiously). Once Remus and Deceit were sufficiently tucked in, he stood up and dimmed the lights to near darkness. 

“Alright, you two have a good night's sleep.”

There was a noise of approval from the pair. Patton gave them one last smile before disappearing back to his own room. To scream into his pillow and think about how gay he was.

Which meant that he didn't get the opportunity to hear the interaction that followed between Dee and Ree.

“Well, that didn’t backfire at all.”

“I want him to snap my spine in half like a glow stick. He could break every bone in my body and I would thank him,” Remus replied dreamily. Deceit hummed in agreement. 

“Perhaps we should try a more… direct approach, as this doesn’t seem to be working in our favor.”

“I dunno about you, but I’m feeling pretty fuckin’ favored right now.”

“I was suggesting that we be more-” he very nearly gagged, “Straightforward.”

“More like gay-forward, actually,” Remus corrected, “But I’m with you! You know I love being direct.”

“Now when I say direct, I don’t mean blunt.”

“I don’t understand the difference.”

“I know you don’t. Let me do the talking.”

“Fine by me! Whatever works to get him to pick me up and throw me!”

Deceit rolled his eyes, settling his arms around Remus. 

“Yes, yes- but I’m actually wide awake right now, and I’d love it if you keep being loud all night, Dearest.” 

“Oh, right,” Remus lowered his voice, curling himself around the lying side in turn. Together, their breathing slowed. As they drifted to sleep, the feeling of Patton's arms around them still ghosted their skin.

Patton was cleaning furiously. He’d already reorganized the entirety of his room- twice, for that matter- and now he’d moved to the Common area. It hadn’t been so much as a week since his last tidying session, and the Mindpalace was pretty much spotless, but that was irrelevant. It was as good a distraction as any.

Maybe he was avoiding the trifecta of trifling traits- aka his best friends- because he knew that they’d ask about why he was being so weird lately. Maybe he was avoiding Deceit and Remus, the reason that he’d been weird lately. Maybe he was just avoiding his thoughts about them, because seeing them all cozied up and sleepy and adorable a couple nights ago really hadn’t helped settle his growing infatuation with them. Most likely, he was avoiding all three. 

But he had failed to take into account that The Common Area was not the best place for avoiding stuff. Given that it was. A Public Space. 

“Patton,” began the voice of Deceit behind him, in a tone deadly serious.

He spun around to see a very embarrassed Dee and an immensely giddy Remus. Well, Shhhhh-ucks. Shucks. 

“Hey!” Patton tossed the sponge in his hand back into the sink and pretended that he wasn’t freaking out at that exact moment. 

Deceit hardly registered the greeting, continuing: 

“We need to talk to you.”

“What about?”

The Snake opened his mouth, and promptly closed it. His eyes had widened concerningly, and he cast his gaze downwards.

“We-” he cut off again. Patton’s worry was mounting. 

“DeeDee?” Remus prompted, elbowing his partner’s side, “I thought you were doing the talking?”

“I-I can do this, I’m not tapping out,” his voice was frenzied, hiding himself behind The Duke in a rare display of fear. 

“Guys? Is something wrong?” Patton approached them, all of his nervousness about his feelings forgotten in the face of this distress, “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

Remus gave him a warm smile, not hesitating for a breath. 

“We came to tell you you’re hot and we wanna date you! But, you know how bad Dee is with words! Anyway, whaddya say?”

Deceit, for his part, nodded in deep resignation. And Patton’s head reeled.

He could hear, audibly hear his heart thumping against his ribs. It was probably as simple as a confession could get, but regardless he found himself frantically replaying the words over and over and over again. He’d never imagined- not even for a second- even the thought of it- 

Mentally, he took a step back. Roman, Logan, and Virgil were an item. Remus and Deceit were an item. And Patton was a third party, paternal and caring and watching out for all of them and their misadventures, though he knew he’d never be entirely part of it. But maybe, now he could be. After everything, they wanted not to just be with him, but to be with him.

It didn’t process.

“I- You- What- Me?”

Because there is good in this world, Remus (correctly) interpreted his flustered stammering as surprise and not distaste. The smile that he almost always wore widened and he took a step forward, dragging the mildly less panicked Deceit along with him.

“You,” he confirmed, shimmying excitedly in place, “Definitely you. And us.”

“I second that not-at-all vague sentiment. We’ve grown unfortunately fond of you,” Deceit uncoiled himself from Remus enough to be seen clearly.

Patton saw it. He saw, in full light and understanding, the subtext in their previous interactions. And now that he did, he had no idea how he’d missed it. A testament to the power of his insecurity, probably. But that didn’t matter, because they liked him back.

Patton failed to words. But, they were very near, and he was very happy, and in the light of new context, he figured that they wouldn’t mind the response he opted for instead. 

He hopped forward with a delighted squeal, scooping the traits up in his arms. Remus started cackling and immediately returned the hug with just as much fervor. Deceit wasn’t far behind for once, allowing his face to split with a smile equal parts shock, relief, and glee. 

“Oh, I love you two so much!” Patton laughed out, burying his face in Remus’ hair. 

“I love you back!” Remus said in kind. 

Deceit attempted a dramatic groan, but he failed to tamp down his grin. 

“It could be said that I feel something love-adjacent for the both of you. Perhaps.” 

Patton’s mind was swimming in joy, so much so that it barely registered when Remus tilted his head back only to lean forward, and oh wow, were they kissing. Patton’s vision was all bright blurs of color, and he melted. The creative trait pushed up against him, rough in much the same way as an overly excited large dog. Patton hardly had time to reciprocate the kiss before Remus broke off completely from the hug, unflustered and unaffected by what he’d done, save for a light blush.

“Now you guys!”

Oh, he was still hugging Deceit. 

“Only if it’s okay?” he’d barely gotten the apprehensive words out of his mouth when it was suddenly occupied, and the world went back to hazey vibrance. Deceit was almost skittish, a barely-there press against his lips like he expected Patton to shove him away. He didn’t, by the way. Rather, he slid a hand up to rest between the side’s shoulder blades, bringing him nearer. 

After a moment, they pulled back slowly, not letting go of each other. 

“That was hot, ngl,” Remus chimed from his perch on the counter.

Patton was overcome with a fit of giggling, energy building in him. He ended his and Deceit’s very drawn-out embrace to satisfy the necessity of full body wiggle. He was in Silly Mode, there was no avoiding this until it had been exorcised via The Joyful Movement™. Patton flapped his hands at his sides and shook his hair out, laughing all the while. Today could not possibly get better!

But he remembered his audience of two. He looked up, hair fluffed up and face flushed with fading excitement and a tinge of self-consciousness. 

“Sorry, I got over-excited...”

“That,” Deceit announced solemnly, “Was astoundingly adorable.”

“I’ve died a gruesome death,” Remus rolled off the counter and onto the ground with a crash (and some bone crunches thrown in, probably for fun), “My heart overloaded, it has burst. There’s blood everywhere, it’s in my eyes, I’m now also blind.” 

Patton’s relief escaped in another bout of laughter, and something lifted in him. A weight that had been there for so long that he hadn’t even remembered it was there, nor how it felt to be without it. But now that it had left, he didn’t know how he had been living with it for so long. There was airiness in his chest, a clarity in his mind, a general sense of contentment rushing over him. This wasn’t a face he put on for others benefit, it wasn’t a fleeting enjoyment of one thing or another- what it was was a deep, thrumming joy that overcame him. 

He was happy. 

Naturally, Patton could not finish cleaning due to. Circumstances. Those circumstances being, he was finally letting himself indulge in some quality time with his new boyfriends (an identifier he very much liked the sound of). 

The trio were half-laying on the Common room’s couch, a tangle of various limbs. Remus leaned against a pile of pillows, and Patton rested his head on his chest. Draped across the both of them was Deceit, fastening all of his arms around them in a manner simultaneously protective and needy. Oh, and also very, very cute. 

“This was totally what I was planning from the beginning,” his voice reverberated through Patton’s chest, “God, I am so great at plotting.”

Remus clicked his tongue agreeably, pressing a kiss to the top of Morality’s head.

“Yeah, I was pretty sure we were gonna end up killing you, Pumpkin. This wasn’t even in the ballpark of outcomes.” 

Patton hummed in thought, cuddling himself closer to his partners.

“I dunno. I’d say your plan turned out pretty well.”

@deceits-left-glove​ 

@princemesscharming

@shrimp-crockpot

#Complexities Unknowable #my writing #if this flops im gonna fuckin cry bro #fanfiction #fanfic #sanders sides #ts #ts fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #deintruality #intrualiceit #analogince #moceit #dukeceit #demus #receit #moduke #intruality #janus #remus #patton #ts janus #ts remus #ts patton #chapter fic #it is the last chapter!!! fuccckkkk im never doing chapter fics again ill just have really really long oneshots #like novella length but also i put it all up at once so i dont have to have the STRESS #also im making a masterpost tomorrow but dont tell anyone #if ur reading these tags u have secret knowledge #i will feel like a real fic writer when i have a masterpost..... finally.....

[thalmor-banjo]

This is a vent post but I have to get this off my chest.

I have ADHD, but it’s undiagnosed by medical professionals. I think it’s pretty mild, but I still have issues with schoolwork, personal projects, etc.

I stim when feeling very overwhelmed/intense feelings. Sometimes it’s happy flapping from a good fanfic or amazing scene from my favorite show. Other times it’s angry jerks. If I stim when I’m angry everyone shuts me down immediately and says I need to, “Get control of your (my) emotions.” When I was small I wouldn’t hide my stimming and no one really thought it was anything unusual, but as I grew I learned to mask it (because I was intermittently taken to therapy for years). Now I mask in public but when I’m alone, it kinda just all comes out, ya know? And it feels good and happy and oh my god do I love it. But if I do it in front of anyone else (who doesn’t know, some of my close friends do and I’m comfortable being myself in front of them), they’ll look at me like I’m fucking insane.

Another thing, I get overstimulated occasionally. Most of the time I'm ok and can slip out of the situation, but sometimes I'm really really not. (Some background, I have an autistic sister, but outside of her specific situation my family is v ableist.). During quarantine I've stopped masking as much (because it's literally impossible to keep up 24/7) and it's been...detrimental to say the least. Whenever I visibly get overstimulated, someone in my family will notice, then they'll all intensify the behavior ("Exposure therapy is the cure for being overwhelmed"-my lovely mother). I hate it so much. Like I'm obviously in discomfort, can you fuck off???

This March something happened. I'm not sure if it was some kind of breakdown or what, but I just couldn't anymore. The whole day I was on edge, but being forced to sit in the cold living room, not allowed to listen to music or have a blanket, just being forced to work, it fucked with me. My thoughts were too loud for my head. I kept trying to work and they just would shut the fuck up. I tried to explain, but no one would listen. I lost it. Started crying, begging for my headphones. My thoughts were too loud and I couldn't push them down. It wasn't like they were meaningful, I just couldn't focus. It felt like they were ballooning up into my throat, blocking the words I so desperately wanted to scream. Instead, all that came out was, "it's too loud" or something of that vein. I had reached a breaking point. I can't even describe how it felt in words. I was so panicky because my family wanted this work to be done and I was trying so hard but my thoughts were too loud and I just wanted to be in my warm bed snuggled up but I couldn't because who knows why and I had to sit in this cold chair that was sticking to my thighs. The words to describe what I was feeling just couldn't come out past the great nothingness blocking them. They (mis padres) were texting the entire time this was happening. I found out later what they were. Here's my favorites, "she's (I'm trans and they misgender me constantly omfg but that's for another day) acting like River (a character from Joss Whedon's Firefly, one of my absolute favorites. They had just shown it to me the past week. The implication being I was acting out to get out of work, that I was just faking)," "If she (ew ew ew she/her get it awayyyyyyyyy) were a dude, I would punch her (again, they're implying I'm acting out for attention and trying to skip out on work while also being incredibly ableist.).". My parents, the people who have teared me since birth, let me shatter and crunch under their unsympathetic feet. When I tried to communicate my suffering, they turned away, assuming it was all an act and none of it was real. It really stung at the time, and I still don't trust them with a lot of my real thoughts.

Probably the final thing, hyperfixations. I don't forget to eat or drink when hyperfixating (although sleep can be an issue). Not sure why, but it just works out that way. Recently I fell head over heels for the Mandalorian. Space westerns are just my thang (looking at you Firefly). Mando is this battle hardened man who's so devoted to his religion and yet a little green baby comes along and changes it all. My favorite episode is Chapter 15, spoilers ahead. I hate Mayfeld, so much like oh my god. But he makes a good point about lines we're not willing to cross until lines get blurred. It really spoke to me. SPOILER When Din is forced to take off his helmet to do the scan, my heart dropped. I've had to break promises (that I've made to myself) to keep safe (ex: coming out in 2020). But it wasn't just some throwaway vow. This was his religion, his entire way of life. And his sect says you are no longer Mandalorian after removing the helmet, that taking it off means never putting it back on. It's incredibly moving and speaks to something in me; there's a reason it's my favorite episode (so far). And also part of it is that Pedro Pascal is really fucking handsome. Like IRL I'd probably have a squish on him more than anything else, but he's still really hot. Anywayyyyyyyy, back from the tangent, I've watched it at least four, maybe five, times. Chapter 15 is a good episode and it makes me happy. A note: my family (aside from one other member) is aggressively heterosexual and cisgender. Like any time I talk about the future they're immediately like "oh yeah, you'll tell your husband and kids about this later.". It grates on my nerves so much. Like I'm not straight, never will be, and would rather adopt and help (a) kid(s) that need a home rather than bringing another human into the world. Idk if it's just me, but the way they imply I'll have a heterosexual relationship as a cis woman who fucks her husband is just weird and uncomfortable. I don't wanna talk about my sex life with them, nor 1} who I'd like to fuck 2} how I'd like to fuck 3} when I'd like to fuck. Long story short I don't want them to know that I enjoy Pedro Pascal's acting because they'll fucking hound me on it. I wish I didn't have to protect myself and not reveal my thoughts, to keep everything rolling around upstairs from falling off my lips. Then they act like I'm unreasonable for not wanting to share what I'm smiling about. How my sister (who's also ND), starting seeing memories from her past lives. I don't know enough about that kinda stuff to say anything meaningful. I know if I'd have said that my parents would have scoffed and ignored me, but when sister says it, the words are coming directly from God's lips. But when I brought up reality shifting ( something I've been attempting since October), father asked if it was somehow possible for everyone to share a hallucination across thousands of miles. I just wish they'd treat me like they treat her. Like a human bean who deserves to be believed and respected.

I just wanna be able to stim and enjoy things I love without being "normal.".

Anyway, sorry for the long rant, thanks for listening/reading, here's a gif of this absolute human cinnamon bun of a human bean (description, it's Pedro Pascal glancing to the side, raising his brows, looking back, smiling, and then opening his eyes and mouth to make a goofy face):

#undiagnosed adhd #adhd inattentive #vent #adhd vent #trauma maybe??? #family is exhausting