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littlebitoffanfic · 4 years

Text

Trust

Fandom: TMNT Characters: Raph, Donnie, Leo, Mikey Relationship: Raph/reader Request: I love all your TMNT fics. I was wandering if you could maybe write a fic. Raph x reader, Raph and reader get into a fight and she is walking gets into trouble and calls Raph but he doesnt answer and so she calls Donnie. Reader gets hurt bad and Raph shows up and Donnie is working on reader but Leo and Mickey have tears in their eyes. Reader survives but Raph realises he needs her and super fluffy ending.

Sprinting down the alleys, you tried to find somewhere to stop and hide. anywhere. You could heard your chasers gaining on you again so you took off. There was no point in running into the street. There wasn’t many people about and you knew the foot had no qualms about killing innocent people. You had been attacked, managing to escape by the skin of your teeth. But you could taste the blood in your mouth, you could feel the swelling around your right eye and the scuffs and bruises that now littered your body. Your clothes were ripped in serval places with blood here and there. You needed help. Digging into your pocket, you pulled out your phone. Running while unlocking it, you nearly fell as you turned a corner but kept your balance as you pulled up Raphs number. You felt nothing but fear as you pressed ‘call’. You didn’t care about the argument you had had with him the day before, or even remember him specifically telling you not to come running to him next time you needed help. Of course, he wasn’t referring to this sort of situation. raising the phone to your ear, you listened to it ringing but there was no answer. Sprinting around another corner, you saw a chain fence with some boxes stacked up beside it that you could scale. Behind it was an empty factory you only knew about because April had done a report on the fact it was abandoned due to the previous boss being involved with a mafia like gang. A female voice spoke, stating you were through to a voicemail service and to leave your name and number after the beep. You wasted no time as soon as the shrill beep sounded. “Raph, its me. The foot found me and they are after me. Im at the abandoned factory. Please hurry.” You could hid how your voice was hiccupping out of fear. You had no doubt that he would come, you just needed to hide to buy yourself enough time. Scaling the fence, you might have had a chance. Until something whizzed by your head, missing your skull by millimetres. A throwing star. It caused you to jump and loose your grip. You fell to the other side of the fence on your left side. Pain shot through your arm, hip and thigh as they took the brunt of the fall. You had tired to protect your head but at the risk of your arm. adrenaline wasn’t enough to mask the pain as you let out a cry of pain. But the pain in your thigh felt different. Looking down, fear flooded through you. You had landed on broke glass and some was now in your thigh, penetrating your thin leggings that were now darkened with blood. Thankfully, it wasn’t large shards, or you could have been at risk of slicing and artery, but it didn’t help your chances. Scrambling to your feet, you felt every part of you ache as you focused on getting to a safe place. The foot followed behind you, a little closer now. You tried to run, but you couldn’t. so you limped into the factory, using the door which had remained unlocked since you and April had broke the lock for her to do some snooping. You remembered that there was a room in the back of one of the upstairs offices which was hidden. The door, when closed, blended into the wallpaper. Racing as quickly as your damaged body would allow. once inside, you went straight to your hiding place which you were thankful for the several bolts on the door. Once you were sealed inside, you took out your phone to try again. You called and called, with no response. You even texted him, saying he needed to pick up the phone. But another 3 missed calls later showed he didn’t have his phone. Or he was ignoring you. “Stubborn brute.” You growled through gritted teeth as you found Donnies number. Of the brothers, he was the most likely to having his phone with him. Or connected to his Bluetooth. It rung three times and was picked up. Donnie had barely said ‘hi’ when you interrupted. “The foot found me. Im in the abandoned factory.” You were trying, your voice cracking as you fought against screaming in pain. You didn’t have to say anything else about your location. You had allowed Donnie to put a tracker on your phone. “Are you hurt?” Donnie asked. The sound of Mikey and Leo asking questions in the back about what was happening. But no Raph. “yeah, pretty badly.” You winces as you looked at your leg. “Im in the back hidden room. Theres too many to fight.” “is there a window?” Donnie kept his cool which you were thankful for. You needed that right now. “Yes.” You look to the small window. “Put the phone in the window. I’ll track it. We’ll get in through the window, get you, and get out?” Donnies voice sounded like he was asking a question, probably directing it towards Leo to make sure it was a plan. Leo agreed. “Hang tight.” “What about Raph?” You heard Mikey ask in the back ground. You could hear the worry in his voice. “We don’t have time to find him. Shes hurt and they will find her.” Leo sounded angry. “We’ll be there in 4 minutes.” Donnie spoke a little louder, obviously trying to mask the argument. “Okay. Hurry.” You whimpered, before the line went dead. The fear of the situation caught up with you as you sat down on the floor next to the window, carful to keep your bleeding thigh up. Pulling your sleeve up carefully, you could see the bruising from your fall starting to form. At least you hadn’t broken your arm or hip. Sobbing, you could hear the foot tearing apart the downstairs. you tried Raph. Again and again and again. Looking back to the door, you could hear they were coming up to the level you were on. You would need to put your phone up on the window ledge in a moment. But you really didn’t think they would make it in time. Pulling up your messenger, you quickly typed. ‘I love you, not matter what happens.’ once sent, you reached up and placed your phone on the ledge, immediately feeling pain course through your arm. Perhaps you had knocked your head in your fall, or you had lost more blood than you thought, because you were feeling the adrenaline wear off. In its place was weakness and sleepiness. ‘don’t fall asleep’ you told yourself again and again as you stared at the door. Banging filled the room. They had found the door you were hiding behind. Crashing filled the room as you felt your arms across your face in defence, fearing the worst? “[y/n]?” Leos voice settled your fear as you looked up. They had came through the window, right over the top of you. “Here.” You called out, your voice weak as you tried to stand but collapsed down. “Hey, hey, don’t move.” Donnie held up his hands. “anything broken?” “No, but ive got glass in by thigh.” You told him the thing that was concerning you the most. “Okay, im going to give you some painkillers okay. And pick you up.” He pulled out some pills and raised them to your mouth. You took them and swallowed, grateful he had thought ahead. Donnie had the stronger stuff doctors used in his lab. more banging told you all that you couldn’t stay here much longer for the painkillers to kick in. Donnie apologised before picking you up. Pain spread through your body like fire as you fought to keep from screaming. Everything hurt and you closed your eyes as you gritted your teeth. “You’re doing well.” Mikey’s words of encouragement didn’t fall of deaf ears as the cool wind hit your face. Opening your eyes, you saw that Donnie was using a grappling hook to attach himself to the building and scale down from the window. Leo and Mikey raced down, making sure the coast was clear. They couldn’t exactly race from the top of buildings with you now. “My phone.” You suddenly remembered. If you had left it, they might be able to trace the others. “Mikeys got it. Don’t worry. You’re safe now.” Leos voice calmed you greatly, but it wasn’t what you needed. You wanted to hear Raph calming you, his words of encouragement. But he wasn’t here. They took you a few blocks from the factory before dropping into the manhole which would lead back to their home. “Wheres Raph?” You asked, trying to distract yourself from the pain. “He went out, not long after you guy had…” Donnie trailed off, obviously not wanting to finish his sentence or bring up the fight. “We thought he had went to find you.” you shook your head. That had been 3 hours ago. You had went home for 2 hours then went for a walk to clear your head. He must be on some roof top, brooding. “I tried to call him. A bunch of time. He didn’t answer.” You shook your head. “I think he left his phone in his room. I heard it going from my lab. I thought he had just left an alarm on or something.” Donnie looked down, feeling guilty even though it wasn’t his fault. You felt your trust in Raph dwindling. He had promised to keep his phone on him at all times in case you needed him, and vice vera. Donnie reminded silent as the three turtles slow to a walk as they made their way into the lair. The silence told you Raph wasn’t here. Donnie took you straight to the lab, placing you on the table which was thankfully clear. you heard Donnie telling his brothers what to get. He used a needle to inject you with some more painkiller while grabbing some scissors to cut some of your legging. “What else hurts?” leo asked you, his eyes scanning your body for any more signs. You told him about your arm and hip, then your bruises and scraps and how you got glass in your leg. “I think we need to remove the glass first. I don’t think you need stitches, but we need to clean the wound.” Donnie said and Leo agreed. “The only thing is it will take time for the pain relief-“ “Screw the pain relief. Its fine. Just get the glass out.” You told Donnie, earning a worried look from Mikey, but everyone knew. You only had a little time, and without the strongest anaesthetic or pain relief or blood transfusions, you needed to get fixed now. Leo disappeared for a moment and came back with a leather strap for you to bite on. But it didn’t help. Screaming, Mikey was then assigned to hold you down. He apologised the entire time as Donnie pulled each shard from your leg. You didn’t think there was that much, but it felt like he pulled out glass after glass after glass. You screamed the entire time. “[y/n]!?” A voice called through the lair and everyone seemed to freeze. Donnie looked up at Leo, unsure of what to do. Leo seemed to have a plan as he walked up to the door as Raph came racing in. you could see the fear in his eyes when they found you on the table. but Leo was in front of Raph in a heartbeat. “Move!” Raph growled at Leo, but he didn’t. “She doesn’t need this right now.” Leo spoke in a calm voice, but you heard some venom behind it. “I was away for a few hours. Why didn’t you protect her?!” Raph pushed Leo back. “Perhaps we could have. If she hadn’t put so much faith that you would.” Leo didn’t fight back, didn’t raise his voice, but his words cut through Raph. They were angry at each other, but Leo was right. You didn’t need this. You didn’t need them fighting and Mikey and Donnie so on edge that they cant help you. Leo had more medical knowledge that Raph, and Raph didn’t know what had happened so far or the full extend of your injuries. So you said something you never thought you would ever have to say to Raph. “Raph, can you just leave? Please?” Your voice held no venom, no angry or aggression but it caused Raph to freeze. He didn’t look at you, or he couldn’t, you didn’t know. he looked at Mikey, who was shaking quite badly and on the verge of crying. Then to Donnie, was had your blood on him, then to Leo. All the colour seemed to drain from his face. And he left. When Leo turned back towards you, you saw he had tears in his eyes. And you understood. They were scared. You closed your eyes, tears streaming down your cheek as you tried to regulate your breathing. “[y/n]? we have to continue.” Donnie said, placing his hand on your shin to offer some “Okay, okay.” You nod, putting the strap back in your mouth as Mikey braced himself.

---------------------------time skip ----------------

An hour or so later, and you had passed out. When you awoke, you were in the bedroom which you use to sleep in when you stayed at the lair before you and Raph had been together. Donnie came in to check on you when you woke up. He told you that you had been asleep for 12 hours, and they were starting to get really worried. Donnie had to put about 4 stitches in 2 of the wounds but he said the rest just needed paper stitches, which you were grateful for. You had thankfully just bruises your arm and the rest of your injuries were easy to see to. “Thank you.” You smiled, grateful for Donnies vast knowledge. “You’re my sister. Theres nothing to thank.” Donnie shook his head, just happy you were still alive. “Could, could you see if Raphs about? Ask if he can come in?” You ask, hesitating a little. You didn’t like sending the brothers as messengers between each other, but Donnie nodded and left. A few minutes later, there was a quiet knock at the door. “Come in.” You called, unable to quiet your own racing heart. You didn’t want to be fighting with Raph, and you didn’t want him to blame himself for this. Raph came in like a kicked puppy. He walked across the room and sat on the sofa that was by your bed. “Leo said to give you this.” He held out something to you. Your phone. “Oh, thanks.” You smile, taking it and placing it on the bedside. “i-I eh, I didn’t have mine on me. When you had tried…” Raph trailed off, unable to even look at you as he struggled to find the words. “yeah.” You nod, unsure of what to say. “I’m sorry.” He breathed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” “I know, I know.” You say in a soothing voice. “[y/n], you could have died!” Raph snapped a little, but not at you directly. “I know, but I didn’t.” You shrug. “Donnie thought you’d shattered your bones.” Raph shook his head, unable to understand why you sounded so care free. “But I didn’t.” You point out again. “We thought you weren’t going to wake.” Raph looks up at you, bewildered. “But I did.” You raise your eyebrows at him. Raphs gaze was one of utter confusion, and it breaks your serious facade. You couldn’t help the grin that pulls at your lips or the chuckle that leaves your throat. But it seemed it was what the room needed, as Raph ended up having a smile pull at his lips. It cleared the room of the tension and the awkwardness. However, Raph did stop smiling as he thought. “you texted me saying you loved me. After you’d phone Donnie. Why?” He asks, his eyes darting to your phone and back. He had read your messages, seen how you had tried to call him and probably listened to your voicemail. “Because I wanted you to know that. I knew when you found out what was happening that you might blame yourself. But I know you wouldn’t put me in danger on purpose or not help me to be malicious. I just wanted you to know that I held nothing against you if the worst happened.” You explained to him, unable to stop tears from forming in your eyes and cascading down your cheeks. Raph nodded looking away from you as you saw tears pooling in his own eyes. You had never, ever seen Raph cry. “I love you. You know that, right?” He asks you. He looked… concerned. “Yeah, of course.” you nod, unsure why he would ask such a question. “do, do you still trust me?” He asked, seemed terrified of the answer and you suddenly understood. trust was so important in your relationship. You didn’t mean trust as in infidelity. It was the sort of trust that allowed you to fall and know he’d catch you. The type that told you he was always close when you needed him. The trust in his vow to keep you safe. You paused, trying to think of your answer. While you didn’t hold any grudge against him for your injuries, you couldn’t say if he would be the first person you called if something happened again. “I want to say yes, but it wouldn’t be entirely true.” You finally say. You didn’t want to lie to him and part of him probably knew the answer already. Raph takes a deep, shaking breath before nodding. “but I want to.” You add, offering him a lifeline. Raphs head snapped to your own, as if to make sure you had actually spoken and it wasn’t his imagination. “Really?” He breathes, hope in his eyes. You nod with a smile, confirming what you had just said. “I’ll do anything, anything you want.” He vows to you, moving from the sofa to kneel beside you. You smile and take his head, giving it a little squeeze but you felt a small pain niggling in your leg. “Could you ask Donnie for some more pain killers?” You ask, wanting to stop it before eit starts. “yes, of course.” Raph jumps up, ready to run to Donnie but you didn’t let go of his hand. “But first, you could start with a kiss.” You smile sweetly. Raph all but melts as he leans down and gently presses a soft kiss to your lips. He was highly aware of all your injuries, but couldn’t deny you such a request. you were about to reach up and touch his cheek, but you felt a sharp, shooting pain in your right shoulder. Raph quickly moves away, afraid hes hurt you but you just smile as you let go of his hand to rub your shoulder. “Right, pain meds.” He nods, his new task in the forefront of his mind. “I’ll be right back.” He rushes off to find Donnie. You couldn’t help but smile. It wasn’t much, but it was a start to regaining that trust.

#raph #raph x reader #raphael #raphael x reader #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles

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739337369137371082 · 3 years

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Hey so I found u thru the Halved Live Funnies and I gotta ask... whose Leon? What series these dudes from?

i got this ask and then forgot about it for like 2 days. anyways.

IVE ANSWERED THIS BEFORE BUT. GOD. LEON. ok so like....... long story short last year was when i first played resident evil........ bc we got a copy of re2remake in and.... jesus christ. i hyperfixated so fucking hard for the better part of a year going on into this year. and then i watched hl/vr and well. we know where that went. but now i am once again hyperfixated and now im back to where i was in like.... june of last year LMAO. but anyways i am once again going to ramble under the cut about them <3 (seriously. its very long and doesnt go much of anywhere. also spoilers)

tl/dr:

OK. SO. resident evil. the last time i answered this ask i either hadnt played some of them or just completely forgot the plot of others LOL but now upon beating/playing a large majority of them (besides 6 which i have not touched yet, and 7 is first person and im not rly interested in it rn)...... well others have said this as well but if you like cheesy b action movies you would love resident evil!!!

the orig 1-2 are more survival horror which is what i like the most. 3 is where it starts branching into more actiony stuff but is still survival horror. but 4 and after is just like..... cheesy action stuff which is fine but not really like.... my thing. altho i do think that they are fun in a “this plot is hilariously bad” type way because i do enjoy horrible things. but people who like resident evil dont like it for the plot they like it for the characters. and for me i latched the fuck onto leon kennedy and tyrant t-00 aka mr fucking x

listen.......... you guys know me relatively well enough to know that i have a type......... and i would define leon as not really fitting under it usually because he is 1. under 6 foot 2. human and 3. very much not a villain. but something about (mostly remake) leon hits fucking different!!!!!! hes kind and means well, thinks about others constantly, looks like an actual fucking person in the in game graphics instead of being some manufactured perfect model, nice voice, etc....... i fucking care him so much. also gameplay wise i find his weapons to be more enjoyable than claires so i always end up playing his route/2nd route the most compared to hers. but i do also like claire :) shes nice and epic

i dont really like the newer leons (4 and afterwards) as much.... i mean a lot of it has to do with trauma and general “growing up” after what happened in re2 but hes just so constantly... snarky? jaded? constantly spouting lines to make him seem cool? when in my head hes very much like... a loser LMAO. i mean dont get me wrong hes a badass. he survives a fucking zombie outbreak and nearly gets murdered dozens of time. thats the definition of badass. but also you cannot change my mind that hes also a anxious loser twunk. there is literally nothing you can do to convince me he is “cool” like the games and movies want to think. this is probably heresy to re fans but this is my truth

https://youtu.be/aVZWuSfGStk?t=129

here is a vid of his cutscenes. obvious spoilers in there but you can skip around and see how cute he is. also yes in his first cutscene he is listening to butt rock. i switch between thinking hes just listening to it because nothing else is on the radio or his taste really is that terrible

also you literally CANNOT convince me that he is straight. the games try SOOOOO hard to get you to ship leon/ada or leon/claire but like...... i cannot see it. he has one of the gayest run animations i have ever seen in re2 remake and i mean... he just radiates gay trans man energy to me. also please look at this small scene from one of the animated movies where a licker jumps on top of him and he wraps his legs around its hips and lifts it off of him to not die. gay king

https://youtu.be/d-VNikxYBPw?t=9

but yes ive basically decided to ignore all characterization from re4 and onwards regarding leon at least. every leon after that is not my leon (except in special cases when im thinking about something like leon/jd from re damnation..... they did jd so dirty and they should have fucking kissed. or how cute he looked in vendetta sometimes)

ANYWAYS. MR X

so basically there are these enemies in resident evil called “tyrants” that are manufactured by the evil capitalist company umbrella that are near indestructible save for like.... rocket launchers or super heavy artillery that youre not buying at your local gun store. and in re2 one of them get sent to the police station where leon and claire are and is told to wipe out all witnesses. (i also do think that 2 or more were sent there... or at least in the area when this happened due to some very obvious plot hole stuff on each route no matter how you play, even tho the devs have come out and said that only 1 existed in the game and that each route is like “a parallel dimension” to each other. i wont go into it more than that but i choose to ignore that)

and well. when i first played it i knew of mr x but didnt like... know much about him other than that he was a monster and Tall (like 7 or 8 feet tall) and that he chased you around. that already sold me on him but then. well. you first encounter him because he lifts up an entire goddamn helicopter and then proceeds to chase you. and it was then that i knew i was in deep shit because he fucking stomped his way into my heart and never left.

mr x basically has serious Side Character Disorder where (even tho the remake made him very cool and epic and did him really well compared to nemesis in re3 remake which is an entire different can of worms) he has LITERALLY no personality or like. thoughts. or anything. hes only there to chase you around and be on screen for like 10 seconds for a couple of cutscenes and then not show up again until the very end of the game for you to fight on leons route. but god. he means so fucking much to me.

you know how people latch onto random side characters that have no personality and essentially flesh them out more than the creators ever will? thats me with mr x. its gotten to the point where certain songs come on on my spotify and i actually get EMOTIONS or even TEARS because they remind me of him, but its not even really HIM, its the fucking ideas that ive come up with regarding him because all he ever does in game is chase you around and punch you and then die and is never brought up again

but anyways. mr x is a tall monster who chases leon and claire around in their routes but mr x is leons main monster in the game (claire has a different one). he chases leon around, literally never stops looking at him as he chases him, gets hit by an entire fucking car which then explodes BUT THEN chases him down into the sewers and into a secret underground lab just to get to him like a fucking bloodhound who, once he has the scent, will never stop chasing him

(you can see why this made me kind of insane)

just. AGHHH. the tyrants in this series get treated so dirty. i desperately want capcom to give us some sort of tyrant that can actually fucking like.... go against orders and brainwashing or whatever and actually have emotions and thoughts!!!!!!!!!! but capcom would never do anything with it cause its a rough and tough action series and people arent here to see tyrants have some sort of thought process beyond punching and killing and people only want to shoot guns at them instead of thinking about the possibilities of a tyrant that goes against its programming.

i so desperately want an au where mr x got the transmitter shot off of the side of his head (and while capcom never mentioned this ever many re2 fans have since decided that it is what feeds info/orders to him. i flip flop between thinking that it either is near controlling him and prevents free will and thought or that its just giving him orders and that hes just burying/hiding/not showing free will and thought in fear of being killed. either that or someone at umbrella is “piloting” him but also the whole point of tyrants is that theyre supposed to be smart enough to think for themselves somewhat so... eh). GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive explained a bunch of this stuff in my other ask about it but just...... xleon means so much to me when it should not and will never be actually canon

anyways please play re2 remake at least, you dont have to know everything about re1 to like it, just go into it knowing that a few months ago in the mountains outside raccoon city claires brother chris and a few members on his team went to a mansion where they discovered umbrella doing shady zombie shit there. re2 remake was hyped up for years for a reason and it is really good, even if its short (altho i do appreciate short games in this day and age cause not every game needs to be like 60 plus hours long).

maybe one day when its not late and i can actually think i will explain all this better but todays not that day <3

(EDIT: ALSO RE DAMNATION TYRANTS ARE 14 FEET TALL. AND CHASE AROUND LEON AND ACTUALLY FUCKING RUN. FUN FACT! anyways while i do think jd in that movie and leon should kiss i also want leon and a tyrant from that movie to kiss. bye)

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mystrangerfics · 5 years

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The Dirty Mix

A/N: This is a dirty-minded, flirty story with fluffs galore. All songs titles in this fic are linked so you can play as you go if you want. Hope you enjoy it!

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Reader

Description: This was a request by @kaitlinlexiexx asked: can you maybe do a Billy x reader where the reader is really shy and punk rockish? she likes rock music, leather jackets, all that jazz. and then she bumps into Billy or something in the hall at school and she befriends him. then they start talking and she opens up more and is actually really dirty minded and it shocks him?

Work Count: 6291

Complete Story Warnings: Abuse Mentioned, Language, & Dirty Talk.

__ __

The school day had finally ended and you were so ready to go home. You clicked on your Walkman and the loud rock music filled your ears. You walked through the halls of people and kept to yourself like you did most days. You didn’t make conversation if you didn’t need to and tried to avoid it in general. Your headphones were your safe haven, your calm and the loud music coming from them helped you zone out. People would smile and wave to you but they knew you well enough to stop with that, you would return the gestures and that was nice enough. People understood you were shy but that you also didn’t let people take advantage of you. You were pretty well liked, even if you didn’t go out of your way to talk with others.

You zipped up your leather jacket before walking outside into the cold air. Your boots tracked through the snow as you made your way to the parking lot. You hummed quietly with your music and when someone banged into you out of nowhere, you felt the headphones fall from your ears. You slipped on the ice and almost fell before someone grabbed your arm. You managed to get your footing and then glanced to the person still holding your arm. Your eyes met with Billy Hargrove’s who was looking at you a little.

“Fuck,” you said suddenly, seeing your Walkman on the ground in pieces. “Shit,” you hissed as you picked it up and looked at it. You tried playing it after fixing the cassette cover but when it didn’t work you sighed.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak,” you heard and looked up to Billy. “Sorry about your Walkman.”

You gave him a crooked smile and just kind of shrugged. “Thanks for helping me. See you around,” you said quietly before you made a waving gesture with your hand that held the broken music player. You messed with it as you walked to your car, the headphones around your neck.

Billy continued to watch you walk to your car. He had seen you in school a few times, always with your headphones on and you never spoke. He had made eye contact with you a few times but it never went any further. He didn’t know if you were shy or just didn’t care to socialize with people. Either way, you had peaked his interest. He hadn’t meant to run into you, he had turned, trying to find Tommy but crashed into you instead. He got into his car and sighed as he waited for Max to finally come.

__ __

Walking through school for the day felt really odd without your music but you hadn’t been able to afford to replace your player. You knew you would have to soon or you would go crazy. Standing at your locker and hearing everyone talking almost gave you a headache. By the end of the day, you just wanted to get in your car and blare music. You knew it wasn’t Billy’s fault but you were still a little irritated.

You quickly made your way to your car and stopped suddenly when you saw Billy standing in front of your door. You adjusted your bag strap on your shoulder before you scrunched up your face at him. “What’s up, Hargrove?”

“Uh, I felt bad yesterday,” he admitted before he pulled a box from his messenger bag. You looked to it and saw it was for a Walkman. “I couldn’t find the one you had but this one is the best. That’s what the guy at Radio Shack said,” Billy said before shrugging like it didn’t matter. He held the box out to you. “We good?”

You hesitated for a second before you took it and looked at it. You smiled a bit before looking up at him. “Thank you, Billy. This is great,” you admitted, glancing back down to the box again. “See you tomorrow,” you said before giving him a little wave when he began walking back to his car. He nodded and sent a wave back.

__ __

Billy came out of school the next day and sighed as he trudged up to the parking lot. You stood by his car and swayed awkwardly for a moment. He spotted you and raised an eyebrow, showing his uncertainty.

“I made you a tape,” you mumbled and held the cassette out. “As a thank you for the Walkman,” you added with a shrug.

Billy took the tape from your hand and glanced at it for a moment. “Thanks,” he said, looking at it.

“I don't know if you'll like the music but it's some of my favorites. So hopefully there's something on there you'll like,” you said before shrugging. “Later,” you said before heading to your car.

Billy lifted three fingers as a wave and nodded his head. He got into his car and looked at the tape for a minute before pushing it into his player. He turned his Camaro on before turning up the volume dial a little. Guitar riffs started filling the car as the beginning of ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by AC/DC started playing through the speakers. Billy raised his eyes a little but smirked, he wasn’t expecting the song as one of your favorites but was pleasantly surprised.

Billy continued to sit in the car and wait for Max. The next song started and he hadn’t heard it before. It started a little slow but the chorus had him nodding his head and tapping his hand mindlessly against the side of his thigh. He figured the song was called ‘Feel Like Makin’ Love’ and found an amused smile on his lips. He glanced around the parking lot to see if you were still around but your car was gone.

Billy snapped his head back when he heard his passenger side door open and saw Max climb in. “Hey,” Billy said before he paused for a moment, Max raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you know a (Y/N)? She goes to school here?”

“Headphones?” Max asked, Billy nodded a little. “Yeah, we know her. She walks around town all the time. We heard her name once but we already named her Headphones.” Billy nodded before he put his car in reverse and backed out of his parking space.

__ __

Billy had gone out on a date Friday night that had proved to be about as exciting as all his other dates. They went to the diner, caught the newest movie and Billy had her home by ten like her father had instructed. He hadn’t even been able to get up the gumption to kiss the girl goodnight, he had remained in the car and took off before she even made it to her door.

Billy glanced around the dark streets of Hawkins before he pushed the cassette tape back into his player. His date had popped it out at one point, complaining about the music. He heard the beginning strums of ‘Night Moves’ by Bob Seger and nodded his head a little to the music. Billy drove around mindlessly, boredly hating how Hawkin’s never had anything to offer for entertainment.

It was about eleven o’clock when Billy spotted someone crossing the street ahead of him a ways. He saw the figure walking down a path in the woods and slowly brought his car to a stop, squinting into the trees. The figure had disappeared and Billy told himself to leave it alone but he found himself shutting off his car and getting out. His breath came out in huffs in front of him as he walked through the snowy woods, following the footprints. He went a little ways and was about to turn back when he saw a clearing up ahead. He slowly walked up to it and saw a bunch of abandoned cars and a large, rusting school bus. He glanced around before he saw someone sitting on top of the bus, facing the opposite direction.

Billy came closer and then shook his head as he could see the headphones resting on your ears. You were looking out over the distant lights and seemed calm. He looked for something to climb up on before he managed to get on top of the bus. You didn’t seem to notice him until he sat beside you, letting his legs hang next to yours, over the side of the bus. You jumped and gasped before you sighed in relief and then just gave him a crooked, awkward smile.

“Aren’t you cold?” Billy asked, he saw you push back one of your headphones and lean your head, showing you hadn’t heard him. “Aren’t you cold?”

You kind of shrugged and shook your head. “What are you doing out here? I don’t have many people bother me at this hour,” you said with a little smile, pulling your headphones down around your neck.

“I was driving around, thought I saw a damn ghost,” Billy admitted before he folded his hands together and leaned forward, looking over the fields and trees. “What are you doing out here?”

“Thinking,” you said plainly and tucked your hands into your jacket pockets.

“You don’t have a warmer place to think? What about your car?” Billy asked and glanced back at you.

“I’m only allowed to use it to get back and forth to school,” you explained. “I don’t mind walking, it helps me clear my head.”

You both sat in silence for a few moments, nothing but the sound of the faint music coming from your headphones. “I listened to your tape,” Billy said after a moment and an amused smile fell onto his lips. “I didn’t know you were so into rock,” he quipped before smirking at you. “Or that your music taste is completely in the gutter.” You seemed to look at him like you didn’t understand what he was saying. He listed off a few of the songs you had recorded, all pertaining to having sex in one way or the other.

You snorted before laughing a little and nodding. “I suppose I did give you the dirty mix,” you said with a smirk. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing,” Billy said, turning his head back to look at you again. He placed a pleasant looking smile on his face as he stared.

“Who doesn’t like to listen to songs about getting laid?” You laughed and shook your head a little.

“I guess I just wasn’t expecting it,” Billy admitted before he looked back over the trees, glancing to some of the lights in the distance.

“They’re good songs to listen to. Especially at school when you walk by,” you said before smiling a bit. Billy could nearly see the blush on your cheeks but was taken aback a little. He hadn’t expected you to be so blunt about liking him and found a small laugh leave his throat.

“Well, for a shy girl, you definitely speak your mind,” Billy muttered with a smirk finding its way onto his lips.

“Well, as you said, it’s always in the gutter,” you said before giving him a playful smirk, shrugging your shoulders. You checked your watch for a moment before looking around. “It was really good to see you Billy. I have to go,” you said before shooting him a little wave. “See you Monday?” You asked, stopping and turning back to look at him.

“Yeah, uh, I’ll see you then,” Billy said, surprised by you suddenly parting. He was going to ask if you needed a ride but decided against it.

You shot Billy a wave before you hopped down onto the hood of the bus and then onto the ground. He watched you walked out of the junkyard before he turned back, looking over the trees again.

__ __

Billy had a shit day, there was no other way to describe it. His father had yelled at him the entire morning before school and when he showed up late, his teacher had given him detention. He wasn’t overly excited about the idea of spending his Saturday at the school or telling his father about it but he didn’t have much of a choice.

Billy saw you in the hall, walking ahead of him with your headphones on. He knew calling you would be no good so he tried to catch up to you before you left for the day. Someone stepped in front of him and he looked down, seeing his date from Friday night. “Hey,” Billy said but glanced over her head, sighing a little when you went around a corner and he lost sight of you.

“So, I thought you were going to call me?” The girl said and Billy racked his brain to remember her name.

“Oh,” he started and it finally came to him. “Yeah, Ally. Sorry,” he mumbled. “Had a crazy weekend.”

“Was something wrong Friday?” She asked and hugged her books a little. “I mean, you just didn’t seem too interested.”

Billy sighed a little and let his tongue run over his bottom lip. “Yeah, Ally. I’m sorry. I’m just not in a good place right now,” Billy said, trying to let her down gently.

“Well, did you want to hang out later?” Ally tried and bit her bottom lip.

“Maybe. I’ll see how I feel in a few weeks,” he said. She didn’t seem to like that answer too much but just nodded before heading on her way down the hall.

Billy finally made it outside but when he reached the parking lot he didn’t see your car. He frowned a little and leaned back against his Camaro with a sigh. Digging for a cigarette, he leaned back off his car and turned to light it before his eyes noticed something on his windshield. He reached down and lifted one of the wipers, holding up a cassette tape. ‘Dirty Mix Part 2’ was scribbled on the small label and he smirked before he got into the car and put the tape in. ‘Need You Tonight’ by INXS started playing through his speakers and a smirk covered Billy’s face. He was really thinking it was about time to ask you on a date.

__ __

Billy had practice the next day after school and he noticed he felt a little bummed that he couldn’t try to bump into you in the parking lot. He had almost grown used to your little meetups, even if it hadn’t been that long of a habit.

“Where you been, man? You’ve been a ghost this last week,” Tommy said as he came up to Billy on the court.

Billy shrugged a little and kind of just smiled. “Just been around, messing around,” Billy said before he shot a basket.

Tommy laughed and Billy looked up to him before he looked past him, someone catching his eye. He saw you sitting on the bleachers, your headphones on and your toe tapping. You were staring at him, flatout your eyes were on Billy and he could only imagine what was playing on your Walkman.

Tommy followed Billy’s gaze before he snorted a little bit. “Headphones? Really?” Tommy mumbled and Billy broke his eye contact with you and looked at Tommy.

“Why do people call her that? She has a name,” Billy snipped as he dribbled his ball a little.

“She doesn’t talk to people,” Tommy said before shrugging. “She walks around the halls and does nothing but listen to her stupid Walkman.”

“Just shut up, man,” Billy said after a moment. He wasn’t sure why it bugged him so much but he didn’t like Tommy talking bad about you.

“What are you fucking her or something?” Tommy laughed and shot his ball at the rim of the hoop.

Billy angrily took a step towards Tommy before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Steve Harrington looking at him. “Hey, man. Ignore him. He’s got a big mouth,” Steve said, trying to get Billy to calm himself. Billy wasn’t sure why Steve was stepping in since Billy had knocked Steve out before, quite badly. “Not worth it. He doesn’t think about what he’s saying,” Steve said, urging Billy to relax with his words.

“What’s it got to do with you?” Billy asked bitterly, wondering why Steve was being stupid enough to interrupt.

Steve sighed with his hands on his hips before he glanced over to you. Billy watched you smile and wave at Steve for a moment and Steve returned it. Tommy snorted and came up behind Billy with his arms crossed. “Probably because Harrington is fucking her,” he added.

“Dude, no,” Steve argued but Billy’s angered face told him he wasn’t buying it.

Billy shoved Steve back a little and glared. “Is it true?”

“I just told you it wasn’t. Are you deaf?” Steve asked with his hands up, trying to remain innocent and undefensive.

Billy shoved Steve again and he tripped up before he fell. Your head snapped up from where you’d been mindlessly doodling, the music having kept you from noticing the argument. You saw Steve on the ground and Billy standing over him, looking angry. You didn’t want to draw attention to yourself but Steve had been a good friend since you were young. You walked out onto the basketball court and stepped in front of Steve, blocking Billy’s path. You could tell he wasn’t expecting it because he nearly fell back as you reached down and helped up Steve.

“Told you,” Tommy said into Billy’s ear.

“Shut your trap, Tommy,” you snapped, glaring at him. Tommy had never made your life easier, he always tried to make it harder. The gym wasn’t too full since the practice hadn’t fully started yet so you didn’t feel too anxious.

“Back off, bitch,” Tommy retorted with his own glare and stepped towards you. You saw Billy’s arm come up in front of Tommy, it was subtle but you saw it. You glanced to Billy and gave him a small smile.

Steve thanked you quietly and you turned to him before you gave him a little hug. “I’ll watch the next one,” you said to Steve and Billy. People were beginning to stare at you and it made you uncomfortable. “Bye, guys.” You gave a small wave before you replaced your headphones and left the gym.

“She came to watch you?” Billy asked, nearly glaring a hole through Steve.

“Well, she never has before, so I don’t think that was for me,” Steve said honestly. Billy found a small smirk on his lips as he turned around. He decided to let it go but kicked himself a little. He wondered what you had been listening to while watching him play, he wished he hadn’t ruined it. __ __

“I’m sorry about the other day?” You looked up from your lunch to see Billy sitting himself across from you. You pulled off your headphones and gave him an awkward smile, showing you hadn’t heard him. “I’m sorry about the other day,” Billy repeated. You scrunched up your face, showing you were a little confused. “In the gym. When I shoved Steve,” he elaborated.

“Oh,” you said, finally understanding. “Yeah, I was a little disappointed. I was enjoying watching you run around shirtless,” you said with a little smirk and Billy raised an eyebrow at you as he smirked.

“What song were you listening to?” Billy asked, leaning across the table a little. The thought had been in his head since he saw you there and he really wanted to know.

“While watching you?” You asked to confirm and saw Billy nod. You blushed a bit but smiled. “’Lick it Up’ by KISS,” you admitted.

Billy shook his head but had a huge smile on his face. He really had never imagined you to have such a filthy mind but he was beginning to really like it. “I think we need to go out,” Billy said like it was a known fact.

“Oh yeah?” You asked and glanced up at him through your eyelashes. “Like go out to eat or to reenact the KISS song?” You dragged your tongue over your spoon and looked him in the eye.

Billy felt a pull between his legs and breathed out heatedly. “Are you busy Friday night?”

You smirked at him for not answering the question but then pouted in a playful way. “I’m out of town this weekend and most of next week,” you said honestly. “Next weekend I’m available though,” you offered.

“Next Friday around seven?” Billy asked, hopeful you’d agree. The thought of waiting almost two weeks to take you out was long enough, he was hoping it wouldn’t be longer than that.

“Sure,” you said with a bit of a smile. “See you later, Hargrove,” you purred as you got up with your empty tray, beating the bell that rang a moment later. Billy barely heard it as his eyes followed you out of the cafeteria.

__ __

Billy heard a dreamy sigh from behind him at his locker and turned around, he smiled when he saw it was you. “I'm sorry, some days I just have to stop and stare at an ass that gorgeous,” you said before you giggled.

“You know, a mouth like that, could get you in trouble,” Billy said before he leaned against his locker and fixed you with a dreamy stare.

“A look like that makes me think I wouldn't mind,” you said with a little smirk. “Besides, I'm good at using my mouth for more than just running it,” you said as you leaned into him. Billy felt his skin warm all over as he looked to your mouth that you left slightly parted. You purposely left your lips parted and ran your tongue over them.

Billy looked like he was coming undone in front of you and it made you giggle a little. “See you around, Hargrove,” you purred before leaning close like you were going to kiss him and walked off.

Billy's eyes ran over you and he watched you walk down the hall, he had to swallow to wet his throat. He couldn't deny how badly he wanted to find a bed and put you in it.

__ __

Billy had found himself returning to the junkyard after your first meeting there. He wasn't sure what it was but the area was quiet and he could think there. He turned suddenly when he heard a noise on the hood of the bus and turned to see you climbing up onto the top.

“I can't believe you didn't hear me walk up,” you said, seeing that you had jumped him slightly. “How's it going?”

Billy held his gaze straight, trying to keep the other side of his face hidden. He'd gotten into it with his father again and didn't want to have to explain the busted lip. “Alright,” Billy said before shrugging. “How was your day? I didn't see you at school,” he commented.

“I was there, we must have just missed each other,” you said with a small shrug and pout.

“So where are you going this weekend?” Billy asked and leaned forward a little, letting his elbows set on his knees.

“Visiting family,” you mumbled and shrugged a bit. “Mom's parents live about five hours away and we go see them once a month.”

Billy nodded his head a little and tried to place the song coming from your headphones that laid around your neck.

“‘Africa’ by Toto,” you said with a little laugh when he mindlessly leaned closer. He made a slight face at you and you laughed. “Hey, it's gonna be a classic,” you said with a smile. You turned the volume up so he could hear it better. “Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you!” You loudly sang, dramatically dragging out the words that the song did.

Billy found an actual laugh come from himself and shook his head. “Yeah, let's never speak of this again,” he joked and you playfully hit his shoulder.

“Can’t believe you're hating on Toto,” you said with a grin before you sighed out and looked over the trees.

“Fine. It's not a horrible song,” he mumbled before smirking a bit at you. It was at this moment Billy realized he was showing his split lip and turned back forward. He was waiting for the inevitable, for you to ask what had happened and what was wrong.

“Can’t hate on a future classic,” was all you said, your tone still light and Billy was grateful to you.

“I suppose not,” he said with a shrug and smiled a bit. Billy didn't know how long you planned on staying out on the bus but he knew he wasn't leaving until you were. He was prepared to stay the rest of the night.

__ __

Billy didn't want admit it but not seeing you in the halls all week made him feel a little down. He missed your witty banter and your occasional dirty comment.

He had returned to the junkyard a few times and on one of the nights he had accidentally fallen asleep. When he dragged in early in the morning his father started on him. Yelling about him being gone all night and asking who he had been sleeping with.

“So which was it? A whore or a guy?” His father asked and Billy stood by the door, his keys in his hand. He didn't move and tried not to listen, he was tired of being treated like he was worthless. “You know, maybe you wouldn't think you were such a pretty boy without that hair,” Neil barked and went into the kitchen, pulling scissors from a drawer. He grabbed Billy's hand and slapped the scissors into them. “Cut it,” Neil hissed.

“Dad,” Billy tried but his father just glared at him, his gaze telling him to be quiet.

Billy looked at the scissors for a moment before bringing them up and grabbing the end of his hair. He forced down his emotions as he made the first clip.

__ __

“Well, damn Hargrove. What happened?” Tommy asked, coming up behind Billy.

“Just wanted a new look,” Billy snipped and kept his eyes on his books in his locker as he pulled them out. He was feeling really self-conscious about his short hair but trying to pull it off.

“I liked the mullet better,” Tommy said, leaning on the locker beside Billy, Carol under his arm.

“Yeah, was definitely a hot look,” she agreed.

“I didn’t ask for your fucking opinion!” Billy barked before he slammed his locker closed.

“Jesus,” Carol said and raised her eyebrows. “Sensitive today?”

“Just get the hell out of my face,” Billy remarked before he turned and walked down the hall.

Billy felt everyone’s eyes on him the whole day and it left him on edge. He kept his gaze down and kept quiet for most of the day, he just wanted to go home.

Billy walked out to his car and dropped down into the seat before he saw a cassette tape on the windshield. He rolled down the window and leaned forward, grabbing it. He had a smile on his face for the first time that day as he read the label, ‘Dirty Mix Part 3. Did you miss me?’ He looked around the parking lot but didn’t see your car. He glanced back to the tape before putting it into the player. ‘I Love Rock N’ Roll’ started blaring through his speakers and Billy found a smirk on his face.

__ __

Billy walked out into the opening of the junkyard when he saw you standing up on top of the bus. Your hands were in your jacket pockets and you were gently nodding your head to the music he already knew to be playing in your ears. He smiled for a moment before he felt a wave or insecurity and looked down a little. He didn't know how you would react to his new look. A few people had made some comments about his hair that left him feeling insecure. Naturally, he played it off like he didn't give a fuck but he did. He had liked his hair and wasn't really sure how to style his current haircut to look good.

You turned a little, just glancing around when your eyes landed on him. Billy's uncertainty washed away instantly when he saw the large smile that appeared on your face. You slid your headphones down around your neck and jumped down onto the hood of the bus before you got down.

“I didn't know you were home yet,” Billy purred and found a small smile on his lips. Billy wasn't sure why but he found a calm come over him whenever you were around. You made him feel at ease, like he didn't have to act a certain way or be someone for you to like him.

“Got back this morning,” you said with a little smile. “I like the new hair, very sexy,” you said after you had looked it over, a smirk on your lips. “It’s so cute. I liked the mullet too but this is a good look,” you said with a smile.

Billy felt okay about his hair for the first time since cutting it and he smiled a bit. “Oh, yeah? You like?”

You adored the little smirk on his lips and nodded before you wrapped your arms around him, hugging him for a moment. “Nice little surprise to come back to,” you purred. You had missed Billy during your time away.

Billy couldn't help himself as his arms came around you and it felt like an electric charge surged through him. You being this close to him and looking into his eyes the way you did made his heart race. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your lips, you returned it and the fire inside him was ignited.

You both stayed close for a moment before you pulled back from him and smiled. Billy watched your tongue run over your bottom lip and found himself staring. “You’re going to have to wait til our date tomorrow,” you teased before smirking.

“I can’t wait,” Billy said before he wrapped an arm around your waist. He pressed a soft kiss to your lips and looked down into your eyes, “but I will.” You smiled and for a moment, let your head rest against his shoulder.

__ __

It was seven, you were ready after fretting over your outfit, makeup and hair for about two hours. You didn’t want to overdo it but you still wanted to look nice. You excitedly sat by the door and tried not to be nervous, you kept your headphones on to stay calm.

You ignored the tightness in your chest when your Walkman popped open, signifying that you had completed all of Side A, you flipped it over and put it back in. You clicked ‘Play’ and sighed out your nerves before you looked out the window again. When the player stopped again you looked at the clock and saw that it was eight.

You got up and grabbed your bag, trying to keep your feelings calm. You could hear your mother coming from the other room and quickly darted out, not wanting her to know that you hadn’t gone on your date. You felt stupid, you had gushed and got excited, now you looked like a fool and felt like one.

You didn’t really have a plan so you just walked, soon enough you were close to the junkyard. You climbed up on the bus and wiped at your face before digging into your bag. You sniffled and found the casette you were looking for before you put it in your player and turned it on. The loud music filled your ears and you wiped at your face, cleaning yourself up. You hadn’t meant to start crying but you had been disappointed and embarrassed. You angrily put up your hair, getting it out of your face. It was a reminder of your failed date and you wanted to forget it.

You sat in the junkyard and at first tried to dream up a number of excuses for Billy before you gave it up. You let yourself listen to your mix of sad songs on your Walkman and just feel bad in general for a little while, wanting to get it all out. You hadn’t expected this of Billy. Things had felt real, was it all some sick game he had played as a joke? Was he laughing about you with his friends right now? You didn’t want that to be the case but your mind was racing. You checked your watch to see it was around ten and figured it was late enough that you could go home and lie to your mother, saying you’d gone on your date.

You stood up from the bus and turned only to bump directly into something. You gasped and nearly fell back off the bus before you felt someone catch your arm and looked up to see Billy. “Fuck, you’ve been crying,” Billy commented with a frown, you only heard him because your headphones had fallen back from your ears. You looked at him, his eye was darkened and his cheek had a split. “I didn’t mean to miss the date. I’m sorry I’m late,” he said before sighing a little. “I fucked this all up,” he rambled.

You didn’t really speak, you just stared up into his face a bit. You were angry, sad and too many feelings to voice into one sentence or anything that made sense. You didn’t know what was going on, he was banged up like he’d gotten into a fight, three hours late and at the junkyard.

“I went by your house…,” he mumbled. “I knocked and your mom said you were gone on your date” he explained. “So I wanted to try and find you. I figured you were here,” he said and motioned around.

You weren’t used to Billy rambling, normally he had everything so well planned, mapped out. This was a different side of Billy, almost a nervous wreck. “What happened?” You managed to put your anger aside as you saw how bad Billy’s face looked.

Billy seemed to start and stop about ten times before he sighed out a bit. “My dad got pissed about me going out,” he said and shrugged like it was nothing, “It’s whatever.”

You frowned and had a heartbroken expression for a second. You had honestly had no idea that anyone could be hurting Billy. He’d always appeared so strong, you couldn’t imagine him being hurt by someone else. You had noticed his occasional split lip or slightly bruised cheek from time to time and had wondered but you hadn’t said anything. You realized now how stoic he really seemed but you found yourself wrapping your arms around him. He hesitated for a second before he wrapped you up in his arms and pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

“Are you okay?” You asked, your voice saddened and you pulled back, looking up into his face.

“I’m okay now,” he said quietly before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to your lips. He stayed close for a moment before your sad music reached his ears. “I’m sorry that I hurt you,” he said after a moment.

“I’m sorry I got upset. I should have just waited until I heard from you,” you said as you tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

Billy leaned back a little and glanced over you as one of his arms remained around your waist. “Damn you look really pretty,” he said, almost sounding guilty, saddened. “Fuck, I can still take you out. It’s not that late,” he tried and checked his watch.

You smiled a little at him, seeing him being sweet, a rare occurrence for Billy somedays. “It’s ten. Unfortunately, there’s not much to do in Hawkins at this hour.” You pouted a little, wishing there was something to do but knowing there wasn’t. “Do you wanna just sit with me for a while?”

Billy looked back to you from his watch and a small, fond smile formed on his face. “Yeah, I do,” he said and you smiled before you sat and he sat beside you.

You sat still for a moment before you leaned over and Billy wrapped his arm around your shoulders. The night hadn’t gone how he had planned. Most girls would have cussed him out and yelled at him about how long it took them to get ready. They wouldn’t have listened or wanted to see him but here you were, curled up beside him and understanding.

You swapped out your cassette tape and turned up your headphones so Billy could hear the music with you as you both stared out over the trees. He reached over after a moment and grabbed your hand, lacing your fingers together.

“Best date ever,” you said after a few moments and smiled shyly. Billy smiled back at you before he pressed a kiss to your lips.

You kissed for a moment before he seemed to pull away with a face like he was thinking. “Is that Queen?”

It took you a second to understand what he was talking about before your music returned to your senses. You giggled, “Yes. ‘Get Down, Make Love’.”

“Thought you'd never ask,” Billy purred before he smirked and pressed his lips back to yours as you giggled.

#billy hargrove x reader #Billy Hargrove #billy hargrove imagine #stranger things #stranger things fic #my stranger fics #mystrangerfics #dacre montgomery #steve harrington #quiet reader #shy reader #punk reader #music

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slut-for-fandoms · 5 years

Text

Paint me yours (kth x reader) PART 1

Pairings: Artist!Taehyung x reader

Genre: smut, fluff, angst (in the following chapters)

Summary: You are an art college student who struggles with finances. Until one day, on an exhibition of the arising artist Kim Taehyung, when the same boy offers you a job as his model. Would it be just a simple job or would it complicate your life in ways you have never thought it would?

Warnings: none in this one (perhaps my bad writing and lots of mistakes?)

A/N: So here is the first chapter. I really don’t know what to think about it as i haven’t written anything in more than a year (so sorry guys but now I am back, yey) I really do hope you like it and please let me know what you think and whether you would like to be tagged in the series ♥ Enjoy

Euphoria. Excitement. Happiness. Exaltation. A complete symphony of colors and emotions. Blue, purple, violet, azure - blended in such a way that glues you to the masterpiece. At places it seems unfinished, raw, as though the creator has been in a hurry. But at the same time it is so detailed that you wonder how long it took him to create it. It represents a woman, or to be more precise, a young girl. Long hair composed with ochre, amber, honey and a hint of gold, covers half of her pale face. Her lips are the perfect combination of red, cheery, wine and auburn. An orderly chaos of colors.

While everything seems just as raw painting, the most capturing features are the eyes. They are so detailed and express the condition of the girl. The sparks that make her look tangible grabs you on a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings and somehow makes you even experience the same state. I move to the next painting.

Sadness. Affliction. Pain. Torment. The contrast between the used shades is much deeper. Pale yet dark. The more I look at it, the more it captivates me. All of the creations I saw were beyond amazing, complete masterpieces but this one… This one is different. One look and I got this strange feeling in my guts when we anticipate something bad, something that might hurt us.

The background is composed of dark shades, while the girl is sculpted of the pale range of colors. Again, the most detailed parts are the eyes. You get the feeling as if a soul was trapped inside the drawn girl that shows how much she suffers. The more you contemplate, the more you assume that the darkness around her represents the cruel world, while the bright yet shaded colors shows how fragile and broken she is. Is it from the world? What destroyed her? Who made her look like a shattered vase which parts are no longer going to form its beautiful shape?

Holding my glass of champagne I took some steps back and sat on the settee opposite the painting. Thanks god it wasn’t that low as they use to be in other galleries. I crossed my legs which caused the hem of my black dress to roll up slightly. As an art student, I tend to visit many exhibitions in order to get inspiration, gain knowledge of the new and unorthodox styles and improve mine. I can’t say I am complaining as we are given free access to any kind of such events. This is beyond amazing as now I am contemplating the art of one of the rising artists – Kim Taehyung. Honestly, I have never seen him but the critics consider him the new Van Gogh and now I understand why.

When I came I was so uneven about it, all the people here were rich and classy and I, a broken student with a cheap dress borrowed from her friend, had no place here. Everything was out of my league and I felt like garbage disfiguring this place.

“You seem really immersed into the picture.”, someone chucked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked up and saw man in golden suit and two glasses of champagne in his hands. His smile was so bright, genuine, that it made me blush slightly, “May I?”, he titled his head towards the settee as if asking if it was free.

“Ye- yeah, of course”, I stuttered and put a lock of fallen hair behind my ear.

His smile grew bigger and he took the free seat next to me.

“Here.”, he gave me one of the glasses. I looked up at him confused, “I saw that you have already finished yours so…”, I looked at my glass which was empty. I might have stayed there for a way longer time that I have thought. I left the glass on the floor next to the settee.

“Thank you.”, I gave him a smile, although inside I was feeling embarrassed, “Very fond of you.”, I said after taking the offered glass.

“Well, I just wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I have left such a beautiful lady sitting here by her side. The champagne was just an excuse to approach you.”, I bit my lip and tried to hide myself due to the blush that crept on my face.

“You are even more appealing when blushing.”, okay, I have never believed I could become so red but here I am.

“Please, stop.”, I stuttered through the smile that just grew bigger on my face.

“Why?”, he tilted his head and asked me with that sweet smirk still placed on his face, his eyes never leaving my figure, “you don’t like honest people?”, as a response I chuckled and tried to gain my dignity and look at him. Why was I such a blushing mess around this… stranger…a handsome stranger?

“It is just that you are the first one to approach me this evening.”, a slight feeling of sadness made my stomach turn as I recall the events, pardon, the lack of them from this night. I started playing with my hands as something as pity overwhelmed me.

“Well-”, his deep baritone voice made me look at him. This time he was facing the painting in front of us which gave me the opportunity to survey him. Soft pink lips, sweet roundy nose, medium long light eyelashes. Skin in the color of bronze and a golden suit that make him look like a god. Aristocratic hands with long fingers, adorned with rings. The way he is holding the glass gives you the thoughts that a prince is sitting oppose you, “It is their lose.”, he states after locking his eyes with mine. And then I’m completely lost. They are just like the sad girls’ in the paintings – full of emotions. I see the same spark that leads directly to his soul. It captivates you. There is love, care, tenderness that make my heart skips a beat. But also you can spot something wild and intriguing. An abyss of feelings kept locked deep inside.

He took a sip of his champagne which caught my attention and made me break the eye contact. How could such a simple action as drinking makes me wanna grab the brushes and paint this gorgeous creature on the canvas?

“I can’t say I am complaining of that.”, I followed his movements and took a taste of my drink, “They seem like they are here only for talking. All of them are just chit-chatting and just at times spare a glance at the paintings. It – It just looks like a gathering of the rich and bitchy class.”, suddenly he burst into laughing. Oh that sound… It was like a soft melody for my years I could listen to all day. It was so infectious and addicting.

“What?”, I asked confused but with a smile plastered on my face.

“I couldn’t have said it more correctly. I’ve met everybody in the gallery and yet you are the only one contemplating the works.”

“Isn’t that what we are supposed to do on an exhibition? But apart from that, these paintings, these masterpieces…”, I took a breath like looking at the sad girl opposite me, “they are captivating. There is life in them, there is soul. Undoubtedly the artist is one of the best I’ve ever come across. Many have the ability to draw, few have the talent to create a masterpiece, something that makes you stop and think. And these here, they indeed convey more than a hundred words.”

“And where do you think that comes from?”, he asks me in that deep voice of his. I turn my attention back on him to see the man already looking at me with a stern expression showing nothing.

“The ability to make a painting live?”, he nodded his head in agreement, “Pain.”

“Pain?”

“Pain. It is always the pain. Why do you think the greatest artists are those who have suffered the most? Sadness, sorrow, ache, agony… they are different than the other feelings. When something good happens to you, you are happy for a short moment. Usually those moments tends to be forgotten way easier than the moments that our soul was in pain. It is just that the affliction we bottle inside us ruins us in the end. The knots in our stomach, the suffocating feeling in our chest… they are tormenting us and we all need a way to express them somehow, to try to get them out of us. And the answer is always the art. It doesn’t matter whether it would be with a brush or a pen in our hands, if we are going to compose a poem, song or just draw something. We just want the pain away. For its tight fist around our hearts to weaken, for its dark thoughts to leave us at peace at night, for the tears to stop rolling down and choke us.”, I paused in order to take a sip of my champagne, feeling his eyes following my movements, “That is one of the reasons why I like this one so much.”, I continued pointing at the work before us, “It look as if not only the model had been sad, but also the artist.”, when I turned around he had a sad smile on his face. For a moment I saw the abyss – full of sorrow and regret, pain and affliction.

“You can’t be more right.”, and once again, as he looked up, the door to his soul closed with that stern expression, “That is why I don’t know whether I like this work or not.”

“It recalls a bad event?”

“It recalls the day I painted her.”

My eyes were so wide that surely they were going to pop out of my head. I opened my mouth, then close it, then opened it again. I was so shocked that I could say nothing.

“I still remember how heartbroken she was.”

“You- you are the artist?”, my voice raised an octave higher and I cursed myself.

“Surprised?”, he asked smiling at my shocked expression.

“You just caught me off guard.”

And then the rest of the night kind of slips my mind. I don’t really know how long we’d been talking through various topics. Whatever felt like hours had only been half an hour once I saw the watch on my hand.

“Unfortunately, as a host, I need to make a speech. It was nice to meet you -”

“(Y/N)!”, answering I took his hand as he helped me get up from the settee.

“(Y/N).”, he said tasting my name and I could not miss the way his tongue rolled and the deep voice that sent shivers down my spine, “A beautiful name for a way more gorgeous girl.”

“Why are you trying to make my blush so hard?”, I asked trying to hide my face.

“I don’t know. I just like it.”, he shrugged with a smile, “Can I ask you something, (Y/N)?”, is it just me or he just lowered his voice on purpose while saying my name.

“O-Of course.”, out of nervousness I started playing with my own hands which only made his smirk grow bigger.

“Would you like to be my model, darling?”

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bladekindeyewear · 5 years

Text

Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 10 - Candy Part 1 again

I was told that finishing the epilogue MAY make me feel better by some with opinions, with some vague hints that the ridiculous start of Candy may have underlying reasons, so now that I’m awake again (though my stomach is roiling a bit again) I’m gonna take another crack at it.

Alright, so I was also hinted that this Candy part ends with a different cliffhanger, so maybe those two will cancel out? That’s my hope anyway.

Reading page 1 again since I didn’t finish the very tail end of it... alright, so WHY IS ROXY CRYING again???? Was she just PRETENDING that she didn’t know it might turn out bad for John if he went at the end of the last one? Was there some weird mind-rewriting going on? Is the crying a symptom of this whole thing potentially being an our!Callie fanfic and she knows what’s being dodged?? Don’t know.

Alright, let’s have him save Gamzee and... is Vriska going to get saved in this version? Or is that descent into the black hole without seeing what happens her well-deserved comeuppance while only the ghost version of Vriska truly figured out how to be happy?

==>

Dirk acknowledges him when he zaps back, but it’s YOUNG Dirk so hopefully there isn’t any stupid Meat stuff going on.

...Yeah, Gamzee immediately being repentant is weird as shit. Maybe he Chucklevoodoo’d Callie into escaping him into this whole candied mess so he could start shit, I dunno. That or this isn’t really Gamzee or someone’s manipulating him or etc etc etc. The hint I got earlier was that if I thought Calliope wanting to bring Gamzee back and everyone just rolling with it was a little out of character, there are “reasons”, so I’m just going through all of this under the assumption that some emotion-manipulating weirdness is going on regardless.

Oh shit, Gamzee’s going to start recounting his character reasons for doing bad stuff in a surface-hope of justification and understanding. All the characters immediately recognize how painfully groanworthy this is going to be.

GAMZEE: AnD sUcH iS wHy I’m GrAbBiNg HoLd Of My RePeNtAnCe As FiRm AnD sErIoUs As I wOuLd A wHoRe’S tItTy!

Yeah, that really encapsulates how “serious” all of this is. And of course, John’s not having any of it.

Yeah, Terezi wouldn’t have any of it either, remotely.

Something feels different, but he can’t put his finger on it.

Hm. The aforementioned manipulation-weirdness?

==>

Okay, so it’s kind of Dirk who notices something different and is cancelling his stupid villain plans, got it.

Volatility of causality, huh?

(I’m going to be going through these parts a little faster than the Meat section, unsurprisingly.)

==>

Okay, Rose and Kanaya, are we gonna cure her substance abuse or--

With all the distance between them lately,

God damnit, have Dirk’s manipulations extended that far OFFSCREEN or is this legitimate character distancing???? Because either is BAD. >:(

Right, now that the plot and “relevance” has been sidelined over to a different timeline, Rose can now breathe easy free of her condition. And whichever parts of her condition were, perhaps, IMPOSED on her. Fuck.

I’m going to try my fucking best to cling to this, hope I can carry on a memory after this is over that DOESN’T imagine Rose trapped in a fucking existential dying villain coma with a hard fucking cutoff that promises nothing is ever coming to resolve it ever. (Or Jade in a somewhat-similar sidelined situation, or Jane doomed to fuck herself over and everyone else too, or...)

What’s slipping away instead is the feeling that any of it mattered at all. Was she insane to be so consumed by such lofty concerns, and is she only beginning to experience clarity today, for the first time in ages?

Yeah, you’re no longer in a timeline of Light and relevance. And that’s not so bad, which is something you never expected to be true given your derision of the concept. Void is pretty goddamn alright.

--Oh right, the illness and substance abuse probably caused plenty of distance between them.

KANAYA: There Was A Feeling I Couldnt Shake That Something Terrible Was Going To Happen To Us KANAYA: Something That Neither Of Us Could Stop KANAYA: A Powerful Outside Force That Would Take You Away From Me KANAYA: And I Couldnt Stop Myself From Thinking That Maybe KANAYA: Maybe That It Would Be For The Best ROSE: Kanaya... KANAYA: I Can Now See That This Is Completely Ridiculous

For some reason, this doesn’t settle my stomach much? It’s clear Andrew wove this in here so that if you read Meat first, you’d be able to acknowledge readily how this diverged in a way the characters kind of recognize, and... I’m not sure what I’m even saying. It’s like there’s hope that this is TRYING to take the bad taste out of my mouth, but I don’t believe it overly much.

ROSE: What a relief, considering that we are both going to be young and magically fit literally forever.

Wait, so they DID find a way to extend their non-ascended friends’ lifespans to practical immortality? Jane’s Life powers? Something else?

==>

yay jade. more extended dave metaphors. calm down stomach.

JADE: i never thought id be thinking of you as my weird nerd friend by the time we were in our twenties

Heheheh.

DAVE: yeah well i never thought youd be like the premiere woo girl on the planet

Had to look up what a “woo girl” was.

Yes Jade go flirt them to death

What she’s planning isn’t a seduction. It’s a public service.

Pff

(And yeah, she’s being pushy but at least she doesn’t go DIRK FAR about it.)

DAVE: its incredible hes driven at least ten people off the site by creating thinly veiled parody accounts of their usernames

Oh my gosh, Karkat’s good enough to ANDREW HUSSIE them?!??? :D

That’s incredible.

Karkat knows damned well what a husband is. He’s been force-fed enough bad movies from Dave to pick up any human euphemism you could name. He still plays dumb sometimes, for comedic effect, to irritate his friends, or simply to avoid a topic of conversation altogether.

Yeah, it was always pretty clear that about HALF of the trolls pretended not to understand something human that they knew about just for comedic effect and they knew it. :)

It would be pretty easy to mistake his reaction for arousal, so it’s understandable that Jade is extremely surprised when Karkat snaps his jaw shut and chomps down on her hand.

PFFFFHahahahah :D

And yep, Jane cancelled her run at Dirk’s direction.

DAVE: lets all just thank whichever christ was responsible for making whatever decision resulted in her deciding not to do that

*nod nod*

JADE: well i hope she gets a better hobby JADE: there are a lot of less ominous things she could do with her time KARKAT: WHAT, LIKE FUCKING HER WAY THROUGH HALF THE POPULATION OF EARTH C?

Jade pinches his ear and twists hard, smiling pleasantly.

JADE: get fucked karkat

Yeah, this is about the level of violence/threat I’d expect from Jade when anyone slut-shames her for perfectly acceptable behavior.

==>

There is almost no crime on Earth C, and so almost no one locks their door.

Huh. I guess post-scarcity might do that.

Alright, we get to see Jane being less of a fuckass.

Dirk was the one person on Earth C who took the state of the locksmith industry with the seriousness it deserved.

Pffff

JAKE: Thats my theory at least. Maybe its tommyrot but i have faith that dirk will be back. After all where is he going to go?

Good question that wasn’t answered in Meat, so of course Jake says it here obliviously.

JAKE: I must admit i am rather half rats at the moment. JANE: You’re what? JAKE: Haha sorry that was a pretty obtuse way of putting it wasnt it. JAKE: What i mean to say is that ive been powdering my hair quite a bit today.

Andrew is SO good at making Jake sound completely incomprehensible.

...Ouch, Jane, don’t drink so hard! D:

The “morbs”??

JAKE: Dirk has that manner about him does he not? JAKE: A way about him that makes you feel like whatever you do as long as it does not involve him it doesnt count for dick.

Yeah, fuck Dirk.

Hm... is the absence of relevance affecting them, or some other manipulation? It’s not just the LACK of Dirk’s manipulation.

JAKE: Except of course for that time when you were under mind control and had me trussed up in your lair as you pontificated villainously about using me as a breeding stud to create a blood lineage for your incumbent corporate space empire.

A fate Dirk seems to agree with, judging by Meat. Let’s sidestep that fucking entirely, thank you.

...yeah, I didn’t expect Jake’s response to be any less oblivious than exactly that.

==>

So why DID Callie bring Gamzee back, anyway? Is there some secret use for him in mind? Was she manipulated into it? Maybe BY Gamzee? Hm.

...alright, priestly with followings. That ain’t good. Is he aiming for Clown President MK2?

Everything Callie and Roxy have done and said in this Candy section so far seems creepily contrived, possibly by design.

...okay did they have some kind of weird agreement? Like, “okay John is gonna make his choice, and if he chooses to stay i try dating him instead of you, Callie”??? That’s... no that can’t be it. Roxy’s NEVER acted THIS oblivious before. What’s she playing at?

GAMZEE: mY fUcKiN *gUy*. :o) JOHN: ... GAMZEE: My DuDe AnD mY nInJa AlIkE. GAMZEE: mY *hOrN* dOoOoG. JOHN: ... GAMZEE: mY hOrN tO tHa MoThErFuCkIn DoG. ;o) JOHN: waiter! help!

I’m imagining Gamzee now as a sweaty and homeless, unkempt Guy Fieri.

Yeah, this doesn’t look like it’ll be fun.

==>

...Swifer Eggmop. ¬_¬”

There’s a third member of their social group who definitely hasn’t arrived at the conclusion that his power and influence should be meted out responsibly either. Neither of them speak his name, however. For some reason, it feels like a shadow passing over the sun. A brief spike of pain flickers through Rose’s head, a bolt that strikes between her eyes and splinters out. There is color and light behind it. A vision that tears through the material reality in front of her and gives her a brief glimpse into a parallel reality where things are very different.

Yeah, fuck Dirk.

...Pff. Yeah, Rose WOULD mimic the record-scratch gesture.

Don’t invoke “never seeing Vriska again” like that, you’re really tempting fate.

Heh, Rose is finding some Light in the darkness, wanting to do something that’s meaningful on an expressive level with this Vriskgrub business.

Hm... why is my stomach a little less uneasy?

I sure hope it stays that way.

==>

KARKAT: OH MY GOD, ARE THE MECHANICAL GLUTES ON THAT BILLBOARD ACTUALLY PADDED WITH PLUSH TO MAKE THEM MORE LIFELIKE?

Heck Yes

...Yes, touch the butt, Karkat.

Jade, pouting a bit, glides in between them and uses her Space powers to teleport Dave’s phone out from the center of his traumatized palm and into the pocket of her sweater.

Hm! So she still has teleportation abilities over a limited range even without her Green Sun boost, that’s nice. :D

After all, where would these two pitiful beta boys be without her?

Oh my fucking god stop being Dirk, Jade. And never use that narrative language again, even in your head. Heck, even if Dirk’s the one WRITING this still, don’t even think CLOSE enough to think those words.

...yeah this sounds like an Active player class taking things slightly too far.

Thank you, Karkat, for drawing the consent-line in the sand. Looks like Jade’s backing off a little.

--hold on, wait, Dave kissed him? He did, so why is-- let me read back up--

Dave doesn’t answer. She answers for him by leaning down and planting a dry, affectionate kiss on Karkat’s cheek.

Okay I misread this line earlier. Jade kissed Karkat when neither of them were looking and is BLAMING Dave. Hmm.

Alright, Dave ollies outie. Karkat tumbles down some hillstairs.

Jade could probably catch him. Actually, she could easily do it, but it doesn’t seem like the kind of favor you should do in a fledgling kismesissitude.

Thaaaat’s a little presumptuous??

JADE: well i guess im eating grub spaghetti alone JADE: *again*!!!

I’d be sadder if you didn’t bring it down hard upon yourself but

==>

Yeah, John, better clear up this Callie business because it’s muddy as heck why Roxy would just drop everything to try things out with you.

Ah, we’re bringing up the gender identity thing on this side too, hm?

More serious talk, this is good, reading reading...

The glasses clink together clumsily, and water gets all over the complimentary breadsticks.

Oh no. This had better not be Olive Garden.

ROXY: no one else has ever made me feel like this

--not Calliope???

What the heck is even going on.

Dave’s coming for some bro help it looks like.

==>

It’s hilarious how much Dave is freaking out about this, and how completely in-character it is.

JOHN: holy fucking shit. JOHN: there’s a gay snooze button? DAVE: yeah man theres a gay snooze button JOHN: wow.

I love these two’s conversations

......wait, Dave’s been holding off on kissing Karkat because of what he thinks JADE might think???? D:

JOHN: i almost managed to forget that she was trying to fuck you and karkat.

Pfffffffff :D

Yep. I love it being put so bluntly.

Reading on... yeah, for some reason I also always figured that the end result of a nice three-way relationship between those three people would be Jade and Dave essentially both just glomming onto Karkat more than each other? Hm.

JOHN: i mean... it doesn’t sound... JOHN: *canon*?

...I hope you’re just talking about his coin flip explanation and not DaveKatJade. >:(

John wonders when talking to Dirk has fixed anything for anyone.

Nod nod.

She grins up at John with shimmering, adoring eyes. They’re reflecting every star in the sky, all for him.

Seriously, what the hell. Is Roxy hypnotized? Putting on an act? A voidy act??

I’m not doubting that Roxy COULD feel that way about John, I’m doubting the suddenness and the way Calliope is being deliberately ignored in the situation, which is so goddamn obvious that JOHN is uncomfortable about it. There’s something seriously strange going on.

It itches at the back of his head, the idea that he might have just fucked up Dave’s entire life.

Alright next post after a bit of breakfast.

#Homestuck #Homestuck Epilogue #Upd8 #Homestuck Liveblog #bladekindeyewear #BlastYoBoots

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wolfsmist · 5 years

Text

OC Interview!

1. Choose an OC.

2. Answer them as that OC.

3. Tag 5 people to do the same!

I was tagged by @solarathesniper! Thank you <3 Im not sure who hasnt done this yet so if you havent and you want to, or you just want to do it again, you are tagged!! :)

1. What is your name?

“Amelia, Amelia Carter.”

2. Do you know why are you named that?

“My parents just liked it, I dont think theres any special meaning behind it.”

3. Are you single or taken?

“Taken!”

4. Have any abilities or powers?

“No, none sadly”

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

“I certainly am not”

6. What’s your eye color?

“My eyes are mostly green with a little bit of brown, so hazel”

7. How about your hair color?

“As you can see, dark brown”

8. Have any family members?

“I did, before the bombs. Now my friends are my family”

9. Oh? How about pets?

“Well I have dogmeat. And id like to get a cat someday too.”

10. That’s cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don’t like?

“Raiders. I cant stand them.The way they prey on innocent people just trying to survive in this world, it makes me sad.”

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

I enjoy tinkering at things, especially modding weapons and power armour. I like cooking too, though its a lot more difficult now than before the war.”

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

“My enemies, yes. Everyone else, I hope not..”

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

Unfortunately you have to to survive in this world”

14. What kind of animal are you?

“I haven't really thought about it. A deer maybe?”

15. Name your worst habits?

“Ive been told im too soft, which is probably true. Ive also been told I talk in my sleep, im not sure if thats a good or bad thing”

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

“Oh yes, I look up to my boyfriend Danse. The way he pulled through, after everything that happened, i’m so proud of him. Oh and i definitely admire Preston. We need more people like him in the world.”

17. Are you gay, straight or bisexual?

“Straight”

18. Do you go to school?

“Before the war, yeah”

19. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?

“I would love to get married again! Maybe someday i will, hopefully. As for kids, I have a son, Shaun. Maybe one day he’ll get a little brother or sister, who knows.”

20. Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?

“I....dont think so....”

21. What are you most afraid of?

“Losing Danse, and all my friends”

22. What do you usually wear?

“Usually I just wear a shirt and fatigues with some combat boots. Its lightweight and comfy, great for travelling.”

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

“Post war food isnt exactly tempting, but the power noodles from Diamond City are nice”

24. Am I annoying to you?

“Not at all, this has been fun”

25. Well, it’s still not over!

“Oh, ok!”

26. What class are you (low/middle/high)?

“Before the war I was middle class. Nowadays class doesnt really matter, thankfully”

27. How many friends do you have?

“Im lucky to have a lot of good friends. Theres Danse obviously, Preston, Nick, Sturges, Piper and Curie. I get on great with Hancock, Macready and Cait too, but we’re not as close. Ive met so many lovely people throughout the Commonwealth, there are too many to name. Oh and Dogmeat, how could i forget Dogmeat!”

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

“Oh I miss pie so much. I was lucky enough to get a preserved pie from one of those machines once and it tasted delicious. I haven't got one since though. That glass is surprisingly tough”

29. Favorite drink?

“Coffee, though its quite rare nowadays. I love nuka cola too. Cherry is my favourite flavour.”

30. What’s your favorite place?

“Ive always loved Sanctuary, but theres a lot of tough memories there.... Now Danse and I live in Croup Manor, which i love too. We did it up and it looks great. The view of the ocean from the balcony is amazing.”

31. Are you interested in anyone?

“.....My boyfriend”

32. That was a stupid question…

“Yeah, kinda”

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

“A lake, who knows whats lurking at the bottom of the ocean...”

34. What’s your type?

“As in a date? Someone kind, generous, loyal and caring. Cheesy, i know “

35. Any fetishes?

“Wow thats a bit personal......”

36. Camping or outdoors?

“Camping.......wait,what?”

#thanks for the tag!#this was so fun #<3 #fallout oc #amelia carter #oc interview

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hi-im-secretly-satan · 5 years

Text

The Taste of Salt (Living People are Warm)

Fandom: No.6 Pairing: Nezumi x Shion Word count: 2306 Warnings: Minor character death, parental death, scars Tags: Hurt/comfort, bittersweet fluff, body worshipping Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17788664 Summary: After Karan's sudden death, Shion finds himself losing grasp of what it means to be alive and needs Nezumi to ground him. Notes: Written for the @restructuralcommittee ‘s Valentine’s contest with the theme “Types of Kisses”.

There are many different kinds of kisses, Shion learned.

Kisses his mother gave him when he visited her at the bakery or at home. Inukashi’s dogs that enthusiastically licked his hands whenever he ran into them at the marketplace. Little Shionn who padded up to him, begging to be lifted up high and messily bumping his puckered lips against Shion’s cheek.

Every kiss he gave and received was dear to him. But his favourite kisses were Nezumi’s. Fleeting kisses as he was stirring the pot on the stove. Lazy morning kisses over complaints about bad breath. Nezumi’s newly developed habit of taking his hand and kissing his knuckles. Kisses before bed and kisses before work. Kisses that made him dizzy and kisses that made him float. He had never known there were so many different kisses, but now that he was familiar with them, he couldn’t get enough.

It was on a beautiful spring day that he discovered a new kind of kiss.

In hindsight, he doesn’t remember much about that week. There’s a vague lingering feeling of the phone slipping out of his hand when the staticky voice apologetically informed him of her condition. Of the rage burning in his veins when Nezumi had held him back as he blindly rushed into the traffic to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. Of the numb days when they shouldered the heavy burden of preparing for the funeral. Of the emptiness scratching on his hollow insides as he watched the undertaker cover the coffin with dirt.

His most vivid memory was when they had returned from the cemetery. He had closed the blinds and retreated into their bedroom, closing himself off from the bright blue sky, from the sun smiling down at him, from the world that breathed and lived around him as if she hadn’t just cruelly embraced one of her children in her bosom.

Nezumi had left him to mourn, after having promised to come immediately if Shion called for him.

He didn’t.

As the sky outside slowly bled out and turned black, silence settled in their apartment like heavy, stifling blanket. When Shion still hadn’t come out hours after Nezumi had tried to coax him out for dinner, Nezumi grew worried. He was only too familiar to the extremities of Shion’s emotions and knew they were prone to be self-destructive. So he reheated the broth he had set aside for him and took the bowl to their bedroom.

When he knocked on the door, there came no reply. He stepped into the room and quietly drew up to the bed where Shion was buried under the blankets, staring at the wall and his pillow dark with stains. Cautiously, as if he could break him if he spoke too loudly, he said “I brought you some soup.”

It took Shion a moment to reply. “I’m not hungry.”

Nezumi watched him for a few seconds before placing the bowl on the nightstand and sitting down on the edge of their bed. He tentatively reached out and brushed his fingers through his pale, almost translucent hair. Shion inhaled sharply, as if he was broken out of a trance.

Still staring at the wall, he broke the silence. “Mom was so cold in the morgue.” His voice was frail, raw from crying. “I kissed her goodbye, but it didn’t feel like her. Mom is always so warm, but all that warmth was gone.”

Nezumi’s heart ached. Shion was supposed to be brimming with excitement, curiosity and fascination, spewing weird scientific facts at inappropriate moments. Not quiet and broken like this, with red rimmed eyes and tear streaks on his cheeks. “We look before and after, and pine for what is not,” he murmured, letting his hand travel a little lower. His thumb gently brushed over his red scar as he continued, “our sincerest laughter with some pain is fraught; our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.”

Shion smiled faintly - Nezumi counted that as a small victory - and scooted a little closer.

“Percy Shelley?”

“Looks like someone has done his homework.”

They smiled at each other. It was a little easier to breathe now. Shion was quiet for a moment until he broke the silence again.

“Kiss me.”

Nezumi happily obeyed and leaned down, softly pressing his lips against Shion’s. It was as if this kiss restored some of the life the recent days had drained from him, as Shion eagerly mirrored the action, burying his hands in his inky hair, effectively messing up his ponytail. Nezumi hadn’t expected the force with which Shion responded and had to quickly catch himself on the bed by placing his hands next to Shion’s head. The taste of salt lingered on his lips. Shion broke away from the kiss and gazed up at him with damp eyes.

“Remember when we were twelve and you were having a fever from the gunshot wound?”

Nezumi felt a pang in his chest. Remember when? Of course he remembered. The memory had stuck with him no matter how much he had tried to push it away. It had kept him sane through the cold and lonely days in the library vault, a reminder that there were still good people out there, and the kindle for a silent determination to see that boy again; that weird, airheaded boy who had saved him against all odds. His hand found its way to Shion’s scar again and he traced the lines with his finger pads. “How could I forget?”

A tear rolled down Shion’s cheek. “You may not remember because you were about to succumb to your fever, but back then you said living people are warm.” He looked up at Nezumi and met his pained gaze, desperation and anguish making his red eyes seem even brighter than usual. “Prove it to me. I’m chilled to the bone, Nezumi. It’s like her cold has seeped into me. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be warm, to be alive, so please, kiss me and remind me I’m still alive.”

Nezumi’s heart both soared and ached. This was one of the many reasons why he loved Shion. In any other situation he would have teased him for saying something so embarrassing with a straight face, but now the only thing he wanted was to obey and love him as much as Shion would let him, as much as he needed him to.

He pressed his lips against Shion’s forehead and heard his breath hitch. “You’re alive, Shion,” he whispered. He kissed his temple, his cheek and tasted the tears that had started falling again. He wiped them away and rested his forehead against Shion's. “You're alive,” he repeated. “Feel the sorrow threatening to drag you under, the anger at life's unfairness; it's a sign that you're living.”

Shion sobbed. He reached up and took Nezumi's face in his hands. “Show me more,” he whispered.

Nezumi brushed his thumb over Shion’s lower lip before kissing him again, a silent promise that he would give everything Shion needed him to give. Gently pulling down Shion's hands from his face, he leaned back and tugged on the blanket Shion was still lying under. He got the hint and pushed them off. Once the blanket was out of the way, Nezumi climbed on top of him. His hand found Shion’s and they shared a loving look before Nezumi leaned down again and let his lips follow the trail of his scar, until it disappeared under the collar of his dress shirt. They hadn't changed out of their funeral clothes yet. Shion had crawled into bed the second he was alone, and Nezumi hadn’t entered the bedroom afterwards out of respect. He met Shion’s eyes. “Can I open this?” It was not something he usually asked, but he did not want to break this fragile moment by taking things to a place Shion wasn't prepared to go.

His worries were put at ease when Shion squeezed their joined hands and nodded. He started unbuttoning his shirt but found it was a pretty difficult task to do one-handed. As he slowly grew more frustrated, Shion let out a watery laugh and let go of Nezumi’s hand. Nezumi shot him a surly look but couldn’t help but grin as well. “Sorry about that,” he murmured as he undid the buttons, with two hands this time.

“It’s fine,” Shion replied fondly, watching as Nezumi undid the last button and pushed the fabric open. Nezumi’s eyes followed the red snake that slithered around his chest. He was no stranger to Shion’s naked body, but the beauty of it never failed to captivate him. Shion tugged on the hem of Nezumi’s shirt.

“You too.”

He looked up to see Shion watching him with intent. He smiled. Of course, it would only be fair. He sat up and undid his own shirt, feeling Shion’s gaze burn as slowly more and more was revealed until he shrugged the fabric off and he bared his own scars to the world. Shion stared at them and Nezumi could only guess what he was thinking. There was pain in his eyes, but also adoration. Shion reached up and hesitantly touched the mark the gunshot had left on his chest. Another trophy of having bested death. A souvenir of yet another time Shion had saved his life. He took Shion’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers, and kissed his knuckles before leaning down again, pressing their hands into the mattress. He brushed his lips over his forehead and wandered down to press kisses onto his pulse points - his temple, his jugular, the centre of his sternum - anywhere he could feel the blood coursing through his veins, the life flowing through him. He heard Shion inhale sharply and couldn’t help but smile. Leave it to Shion and his stupidly intelligent brain to notice details like these even in the middle of an emotional crisis. He pressed a final kiss to his chest before sitting up again.

Nezumi’s eyes flicked up to Shion’s before letting his finger pads trace the red snake that coiled around his body. Shion’s breath hitched at the touch.

“The first night you spent in the West Block,” Nezumi spoke, his touch never faltering and his gaze meeting Shion’s, “you had just survived No.6 hunting you down, only for a parasite wasp to hatch in your neck.” He felt Shion stiffen under his fingers but he didn’t look away from him. “You begged me to let you die but you survived. This scar is proof of your strength. You said you wanted to live, and you did. You’re strong, Shion.”

Shion’s adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed and another tear rolled down his cheek. He brought up his hand and bit the skin on the back of his hand to stifle a sob. Nezumi reached for that hand and gently pried it from his harmful teeth. He pressed a soft kiss to his knuckles before guiding it to his bared chest, right above his lungs. “Do you feel your chest rising and falling? Even now your lungs are circulating air through your body, giving you the breath of life.” He moved his hand a little to the right, hovering over his heart, and suddenly he was reminded of that moment in the vault, so many years ago. Shion had asked to know more about him and Nezumi had replied with a similar gesture, taking his hand and placing it on his chest, making him feel his heartbeat. Thus he asked the same question he had back then. “What do you feel?”

Shion seemed to notice the mirror to the past as well, if the widening of his eyes was anything to go by. “My heartbeat,” he replied with a quivering voice.

Nezumi smiled. “That’s right. You’re alive, and that’s all you need to know.”

Shion whimpered. He reached up to Nezumi and pulled him down, burying his face in his shoulder and letting his tears fall freely. “I love you,” he cried. “I love you, Nezumi.”

Nezumi circled his arms around him, his fingers in his hair and his arm around his waist, and guided their bodies to the side. He did not say anything, but he did not need to. He simply held Shion close as he rode through the waves of adoration and grief. When his sobs died down, Nezumi leaned back a bit and wiped the traces of his tears away. “You feeling okay?” He murmured. Shion sniffed and gave him a small smile. “Yeah.” He scooted up a little and rested his forehead against Nezumi’s. “Thank you.”

Nezumi hummed affirmatively and closed his eyes. They laid there for a while, tired and spent after the long week and exhaustion catching up to them. Right when Nezumi was content to let sleep drag him under, he was startled awake by a loud rumbling noise.

Shion flinched and blushed. “I’m sorry, I haven’t eaten since this morning.”

Nezumi reluctantly opened his eyes and lazily ran his fingers through Shion’s hair. “Go have the broth I brought you. It’ll be cold by now, but you’re a heathen so I’m sure you won’t mind.”

Shion laughed. “Not everyone likes their soup piping hot.”

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Just eat already.” He nudged his knee against Shion’s leg in an attempt to push him out of bed.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m on it.” He climbed over Nezumi to reach the bedside table bowl was standing on and settled against the headboard. As he ate the (exactly salty enough) broth and watched Nezumi dozing off next to him, he smiled. He was eternally grateful for that day he opened the window and let in the soggy wet rat.

No matter what life threw at them, they would make it through together.

#RCzinegiveaway #no.6 #nezumi #nezushi #shion #fic #fanfic #my writes

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reesewestonarchive · 5 years

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chapter nine / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

Nakoa wakes to darkness. He finds out easily that he’s in a vehicle; the rumble of tires beneath him, the loud, high-pitched squeal of rubber on asphalt.

The hard, unforgiving feel of metal against his shoulder. He opens his eyes, but it makes no difference. He sees slivers of light, but nothing really. Nakoa blinks, once, twice, and, when he turns over, finds himself grateful for the lack of light, because just the slivers of daylight peeking through are enough to send spikes through his brain.

“You awake?” He jolts at the sound of a voice, relaxes when Rem adds, “Hey, it’s just me.” His words are near slurring, though. Nakoa spins his head to look for him, nervous, worried, but it’s impossible to see in the darkness. “I—” Rem huffs a frustrated breath. “Can’t see a fucking thing—where are you?”

One of Rem’s boots finds Nakoa’s ribs. He mutters an apology, then says, “Hang on—” before he reaches down, his hand skirting along Nakoa’s back until he reaches Nakoa’s hands, clasped behind him. “Hold still.”

The ties release after just a second, and when Nakoa pulls them up, he asks, “How the fuck did you get out of them?” The plastic rubbed his wrists raw, even as short as they were on.

He can hear Rem’s grin in his voice when he speaks, though, and his presence makes the dark, unforgiving trcuk a little less foreboding. “You think I leave the motel without a knife?”

Nakoa would laugh, if he could. Instead, he reaches a hand out, trying to find Rem in the dark. “Where—” he says, before he makes contact with Rem’s knee. Relief settles in his stomach, and he reaches out for Rem’s hand, squeezes it. Feels better already when Rem squeezes back.

“You okay?” Nakoa asks. “That looked.” Bad. Terrible. Nakoa sees it no matter where he looks, Rem lying on the asphalt like that.

“Mm.” But his voice sounds far away. “Nakoa.”

“Yeah.”

“What the fuck?”

Nakoa should have known, knows he should have. That he should have said something to Rem, but… “My father’s—” The word tastes bitter on his tongue. “…in imports.”

“Drugs,” Rem says, immediately. “Fucking hell, Nakoa.”

It’s how Nakoa got started. It’s why he kept going with them. Michael’s into more than just weed, though, and therein lies the problem. That Nakoa knows. Michael had beat him, when Nakoa found out, and has since used his strength to his advantage. Try as he might, Nakoa can only throw a punch if he’s catching someone off guard, if they can fight worse than he can.

Michael doesn’t fit the bill, and he’s always carrying.

“I didn’t have a choice!” Nakoa says. “And I thought. Maybe, if I wasn’t there… why would he waste a bunch of bullshit on me? Men, resources.” Why would he follow Nakoa across the country? Nakoa, of all people?

“You stole from him,” Rem says. His voice comes out flat. “Nakoa.”

“You don’t get to play like you wouldn’t have done the same fucking thing,” he says, tone sharp. He pulls back from Rem, smells blood on his hands as he wipes them down his face. “How often have you stolen whiskey?”

“It’s legal! You wanna compare that to coke?”

Exhausted, suddenly, Nakoa says, “I really need you to not fucking judge me. I stopped, okay? He didn’t notice, and even if he had, what was he gonna do?” Michael hates Nakoa; always has. A disappointment, and that isn’t even considering Rem. That’s not considering the fact that Michael knows, and always has, that Nakoa beds men as often as he does women. It’s been like this since Nakoa was born, his father distant for work, and Nakoa eager for his approval and stumbling on his work at thirteen.

“He couldn’t do anything about it then,” Nakoa says. “But now what’s stopping him? His kid went missing. No one’s gonna care if I end up in a ditch.”

“Don’t fucking joke about that.”

Nakoa shuts his mouth, though. Taps his fingers on the metal on the floor. He says, “I should have told you.” He wants to apologize; can’t.

Wishes that he could just… touch Rem. No expectation. Find comfort in his touch.

He holds his hands to himself, and neither of them speak.

Eventually, the van slows to a stop, and doesn’t start again. Rem gets to his feet, says, “I got this.” Nakoa hears the knife unlatching in his hand. “Stay back.”

“Don’t being a knife to a gun fight, you—” Nakoa sighs. “Just—get behind me.”

“I’m not going to let you—”

“He’s my father,” Nakoa says, his voice cracking. “Let me deal with him.” He thinks about clocking Rem on the head again, but if he got knocked out that bad, he might already have a concussion.

Nakoa doesn’t say, “I want you safe.” He doesn’t say that it means more to him that Rem is okay, that Rem can go home. Maybe Rem thinks he’s worthless, but he’s Nakoa’s entire world.

The door slides up, and Nakoa blinks against the blinding light. Rem stands behind him, body heat warming Nakoa’s back. Michael’s behind his men, chatting on the phone, but Nakoa doesn’t move, not until Michael says, his voice almost bored, like he’s not still devising a plan. “Come join me for dinner.”

Nakoa blinks. “Pretty fucking dramatic entrance for dinner.”

Michael rolls his eyes. “You could show a little respect.”

Already disappointing his father, and they’ve been reunited for a matter of minutes. Nakoa holds his gaze and says, “You wanna kill me, go ahead.”

Behind him, he hears Rem make a small, distressed noise. “Nakoa—”

But Nakoa’s tired of living in this hole, in his father’s shadow, too afraid to move beyond Michael and his wants. Too afraid Michael might follow through on his threats.

“Just come. We’ll discuss what I plan to do with you at dinner.” Michael sighs, rubbing his forehead. “I keep forgetting about the carry on.” Nakoa catches his attention shifting to Rem, wishes it wouldn’t. “Hm. Looks like he’s the reason they’re free. Someone remind me we need handcuffs.”

When Nakoa doesn’t go forward, Michael sighs, says, “Someone grab him, please. Leave the other.” He sighs. “And tie him up this time?”

One of the men hauls Nakoa from the truck, by the hair, the shoulder. Nakoa swears, grips at the guy’s wrist and tries to walk with him, can’t. Holds tight and tries to lessen the pressure on his hair, anyway.

He watches as Rem crawls from the truck, eyes wide with fear, brandishing his knife. In comparison to giant men with handguns, he looks like a small, terrified child. Nakoa knows better than to call out his name, so he doesn’t.

His chest aches, and a half-strangled, “Rem—” escapes from his throat, just as the man dragging him pulls him into a building. Before the door shuts, Nakoa catches sight of Rem lashing out, the sound of a gunshot, then… Nothing.

Nakoa finds himself dropped at Michael’s feet, scalp burning, Michael staring down at him with something akin to disinterest. “I wish things could have gone differently for you, Nakoa.”

This is nothing like the Michael Nakoa remembers. This man is… different. Distressingly calm, quiet.

Nakoa prefers him screaming. Calm breeds terror in Nakoa’s chest, and he doesn’t care for the way it burrows in and refuses to leave.

“Up.” It’s not a request. “Dinner.”

Tossing a scowl back at the man who’d dragged him, Nakoa rubs his wrists, follows Michael through the warehouse.. He needs to stay around until he can get back to Rem, anyway. After that… who cares? Michael can do whatever he wants with Nakoa, as long as Rem gets out of this safely.

Michael leads him into another room to a table sitting alone, like one in the movies, covered with a tablecloth, a single lightbulb illuminating the table and nothing more.

With a swallow, Nakoa takes his seat, still rubbing his wrists. Michael sits in the other chair, and, neat as can fucking be, he undoes his napkin and lays it across his lap.

“Nakoa,” Michael says, and now he sounds more like himself, like the Michael Nakoa remembers. “You are a pain in my ass, you know that?”

“So the pleasant, calm druglord, that’s just for your employees. But your son, all bets are off.”

Michael’s gaze is sharp, piercing, and Nakoa wishes he’d kept his mouth shut. “Ungrateful. You know,” he says, already lifting the lid from his dinner, “you really don’t understand the sacrifices I’ve made for you. The resources I’ve wasted finding you.”

As if Nakoa asked for it. As if he gives a shit about whether Michael goes broke. As if he cares, for half a second, what Michael loses. He sits back, crosses his arms. Waits.

“I can see you’re going to be difficult, so let me lay this out for you.” He pops a bite of dinner—steak, because of course it is—into his mouth, and chews. Slow. Nakoa knows the tactic well, terrify them with their own imagination. “You’ll come home with me.”

“Over my—”

“—and we can leave your friend here to fend for himself.”

“Next.”

Eyebrow raised, Michael cuts back into his steak. “I could just as easily kill your friend, you know. He hardly seems like a man someone will miss.” At Nakoa’s expression, Michael laughs. “Don’t tell me you think—” He shakes his head. “You’re a fool, Nakoa.”

Better a fool than a prick, Nakoa thinks, but he doesn’t say so. Michael married a gentle woman, one he can scare into submission, and he thinks Nakoa’s life choices are worth judging. “Next option,” he says, through gritted teeth, staring hard at the table, at the knife marks in the wood. Imagines what it might be like to see those on his skin, instead. If he’d even life through it.

“I could kill the both of you. You’ve already been missing for how long? None of the authorities would think twice about a couple of stupid, runaway queer boys ending up dead. Two of them…” He clicks his tongue. “Well. Is that even a tragedy worth the news cycle?”

And Michael wonders why he ran away. Nakoa lifts his gaze, reluctant, up towards Michael’s face, hates the giddy expression on his father’s face. He’s a bastard, and Nakoa knows he’s always enjoyed his work a little too much, but he’d hoped maybe, underneath it all, there was something that made him human. Now he’s not so sure.

“Easiest way to tie up loose ends, don’t you agree?”

Nakoa wants to tell him to fuck off, but Michael won't hesitate to cut him with the knife on his plate. Never has before. Never hesitates, once he makes his mind up. “Why the holdup?” Nakoa asks, but his voice shakes. “Sounds like you got it all figured out. Why not just kill me now?”

He’s losing his patience, Michael. The joy drains from his expression and he returns to his dinner, almost bored. “Unfortunately, I still think there might be some use in you. I could use you to make an example. I think using you as a living example carries more weight, don’t you?”

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

Pointing a fork to Nakoa’s plate, Michael says, “Eat. It’s the last time you’ll get the opportunity in a while.”

“What about Rem?” Nakoa does his best to hold his voice steady, to keep Michael from making any more shitty comments, but it still comes out wrong.

“I think I’ll be doing the world a favor, taking him out.” He reaches for his drink, then sighs. “Nakoa, please. If you don’t eat, I’ll be forced to take other measures.” Like what, Nakoa wonders, but doesn’t ask. Sighing, Michael sets his fork down and says, “Nakoa. It’s in your best interest to work with me.”

“Too fucking bad.”

“I can make your life a living hell, you know.”

“You already did. What can you do to make it worse?”

Michael raises an eyebrow, says, “You think you’re in love with the man outside. Not sure where you got that, but fine, I’ll play along. You’re right in considering yourself worthless, so I understand I can’t use you against yourself.” With a cock of his head, Michael leans back in his seat. “I might be able to use him yet. Suppose I better put in the call to keep him in one piece after all.” He pulls a walkie talkie out of his shirt pocket and switches it on. “Hold my previous order,” Michael says, glaring at Michael. “Plans have changed. We’re going to have a little fun.”

#my writing #road to nowhere au

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myuun · 5 years

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i feel like every once in a while i want to make a whole rant here just for the good ol times. plus i think everyone across the world is most likely asleep or busy and i kind of like being in between that time.

ive been meaning to rant but i feel like i dont have any right to really complain about anything really. i dont have it that bad. i have a wonderful husband. three cats. i have food and a roof (lol while it lasts). idk i feel like my complains are very minor.

but tbh i dont really have any friends and any friends that i did/do have i kind of dont. i use the term friend... very lightly too. theyre.. people. idk i just... kind of destroy friendships and/or ignore them enough that they just kind of disappear. friendships are like a plant. i kill plants and/or forget they need water. or my cat eats them.

i went through a period when i began dating jack that i felt so enthralled with the idea of my entire life being dedicated just for him. my everything is just... for jack. everything. i dont need anyone or anything else. i know how unhealthy it was. hell, i’m still sort of like that. of course, jack isn’t like that back. jack is a smart human being, he has healthy relationships with many people and i just happen to be his wife. i know how much he loves me, cares for me, and when i dont dig too deep into my own insecurities of him hating me, i truly believe that we are equal in how much we care for each other.

lol when i dig though, thats another psychotic story im gonna tuck for a later cry

i think it was last year when i got the smallest taste of a world outside of just jack. my volunteering position in the animal shelter i volunteered at escalated to assistant, and within that role, i held a lot more power than just a volunteer. i was in charge of adoptions and that... to me was power. and i loved it. i loved staying there all day writing notes into the computer, talking to people, showing them dogs. and my god, i knew i did an amazing job. i know i do. i know that i am confident, capable, and dedicated. i know.

and for the first time, i really meant when i said, “i am good at this”. i never ever believed that... ever. I have hobbies and shit like drawing, but i never considered myself good. but i know with all my soul i was good at this. and this is the point where i discovered that this is what i wanted. i had found a bridge outside of my world dedicated to jack. and jack was happy for me. and i was unsure. but excited.

dropped out of school, focused on working at a doggy daycare with the simple dream of one day having an actual job at the animal shelter i work at. there isnt a high turnover obviously. i told everyone. everyone. everyone. and finally... a job application. i was interviewed.

i was a perfect candidate. my life has been a dedication and exploration of my love for animals.

i didn’t get the job.

i had gotten rejected many many many times. many times.

but this is the only time where it hurt with every ounce of my being. i sobbed my eyes out.

the only reason i didn’t get hired... was that i couldn’t drive.

i could hear my dad laughing in the background.

that was the only thing and i knew how important it was, but i was more than willing to learn and get a car and figure it out. i would take ubers and friends and whatever to get me to where i need to be. i thought that my own desperation and commitment would get me by.

i had no money, no car, no one to teach me, but god in my heart i wanted this more than anyone. and the girl who got it... all i needed was to see who it was for my whole spirit to shatter. i didn’t know her that well, i had spoken to her a fair amount of times. i knew she had dogs, she was a foster, she worked with animals. she was radiant, a light, a beautiful girl. her entire life she knew this was for her. she hadn’t taken the courses in animal care i had, but she was ready to learn and most of all... she had a license.

it shattered me. everyday it shatters me.

and i could get another job.

i could. but what else is there in this city? someone tell me, anyone. I had asked everyone around me, what else? What else? Please someone GUIDE ME.

I have no job because I can’t legally have one due to my visa not having arrived yet. The job waiting for me is a casual job at a doggy daycare. I live in a small city where the jobs are scarce and the only thing that could possibly POSSIBLY set me straight into the animal care business would be studying. i can’t get a car to get any other possible job. hell, i can’t even afford the fee of the drivers license test.

But I’m a girl without a job and with a dad who will be disowning her at the end of this year. Who’s only revenue comes from her amazing husband who breaks his back working casual hours and studying. I can’t even think about studying when I don’t even have the money to pay my rent. We are so... so close to getting evicted. Inches away.

I could get any other job, I could. And I will. But i know that if I want to stay in this city and be happy, that that is literally.. the one and only job I want and probably won’t ever get.

I could move. I could. But what about my cats? What about everything we have here? I could sell everything, our TV, or couch, our kitchenware, and just go. Take the three cats, and go somewhere else in this country. But no matter where it would be, I would still be... like this. In this spot right now, in a bed, typing something that doesn’t matter because the only solution is just to have money.

that is all. just money. i could study animal hydrotherapy if i had money. i could pay my bills on time or even buy a house if i had money. i could take driving lessons if i had money.

i want to have faith. i want to believe in god. i want to believe that there is a reason why all this is happening. that there is a reason why this entire year so far has been so so hard. that there is a reason why this month has been so hard.

i know its my fault. its my fault i am scared of driving. its my fault i never got my license. its my fault i don’t try hard enough to keep friendships. its my fault. but why.

why does my dad have to come to this country in the worst of times? is it to mock me? is it to show me that he is the man with all the money who could change our lives but chooses not to?

why did a dog have to die on jacks arms? why did it have to happen? why did this have to happen at our daycare and change everything for everyone forever?

please tell me what to do. please god, just give me ... a sign. Any sign. i love this city so much i just want to stay here and work here at a job that i love and be with my husband. i just want to work and earn a living and be happy.

it pisses me off that i was so close... so close to feeling like i amounted to something more than just jack’s wife.

before i met jack my life amounted to nothing. which it was so easy to give it up. so easy to call it quits and go die somewhere. my life now amounts to being jack’s wife. i dont have the option anymore to die. i can cut myself over and over but i know ill never take the plunge anymore because i cant.

i find it funny that when i say i dont want to die to doctors, they sound so relieved. i want to disappear. i want to disappear just for a while and wait until the world fixes whatever i cant fix.

but i know that the world doesn’t give a shit. god doesnt give a shit.

i found a glimpse of something else. i found a little crack that showed me that i didn’t have to be just jack’s wife. i didn’t have to dedicate my entire being to him. i always felt like jack’s knight. he is the person i will die for. i will protect. and i still am his knight. but i never felt worthy enough to be a ruler next to him.

and i thought that if i could also show him that i can be something great too like he is, if i could show him that my life can also amount to doing other things besides being by his side, that i could prove to him... and myself, that my own life has meaning.

i dont really know anymore.

there is nothing i can do but wait. i can just wait until my interim visa is over and my visa arrives. i can wait for that moment. but what then, what will i do then?

i really dont see a path anymore in front of me. i dont see anything at all

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