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samwisethewitch · 6 months

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REVIEW: Old Style Conjure by Starr Casas

There's some controversy around this book, mostly because Starr Casas is a white woman writing about hoodoo. (Or at least white passing -- Casas does not disclose her ancestry in this book, and I never want to assume based on appearances. Some of the memoir content in this book makes me think she may be from a mixed family.) I avoided this book for a long time because of that controversy, so I want to address it before I move into pros and cons.

When people accuse Casas of cultural appropriation, if they're not talking about her appearance they'll typically bring up this line from a FAQ section in this book: "Q. Can white folks do conjure work? Yes, they can, as long as they honor the ancestors of this work. Those ancestors are the folks who were kidnapped and sold into slavery. They brought this work here and deserve to be honored. And who better to honor them than the white folks who at one time enslaved them?"

I think this line is phrased poorly in a way that makes it easy to take it out of context as giving blanket permission for cultural appropriation. But after reading the entire book, I feel confident that wasn't what Casas was trying to communicate here. Casas is very aware of the legacy of slavery in the South, and she seems to believe very firmly that white folks need to reckon with the atrocity of the slave trade. It's our responsibility to do what we can to make amends for the evils of our ancestors. It's basically the same message other authors, like Aaron Oberon, have phrased better and been praised for.

It is also important to note that Casas isn't claiming to speak for all hoodoo practitioners -- this book is about her family's folk magic tradition, which is influenced by African American practices. She's very clear that other practitioners may do things a different way. She's also very clear about the importance of acknowledging and honoring the African roots of many Southern folk practices, something I personally agree with. The reality is, you'd be hard pressed to find a folk magic tradition in the South with NO African influences, and I appreciate what Casas is trying to do here by explicitly honoring those influences.

(On personal note, struggling to navigate the legacy of white supremacy while honoring Black and indigenous ancestors is something I personally relate to as a white person from a mixed-race family. There are no easy answers here.)

This book, its tone, and the language it uses reminds me a lot of my grandparents. They mean well, and they're remarkably antiracist for older folks in the rural south, but they aren't familiar with all the language and terminology activists use today. They're imperfect in their allyship, but they ARE trying to be allies. It's up to you whether that's a deal breaker for you.

Anyways, with that out of the way, here are my thoughts on the actual book and its content:

Pros:

This is definitely "old style conjure." Everything here feels very authentic and traditional.

I liked the emphasis on using what you have and working with what is available to you. This is not a book that will have you running out to buy that one specific crystal you just have to have for a spell.

I also liked the emphasis on doing things yourself, including making your own oils and powders instead of buying from someone else. This DIY spirit is a big part of southern folk magic as I was taught.

Casas gives very clear, easily followed instructions and does her best to explain the "why" behind what's included in a work.

Great section on throwing bones!

The most comprehensive breakdown of the uses of dirt of any book I've found so far.

This book genuinely contains information I had learned from oral traditions but had not seen written down anywhere.

This book reminded me so much of the women who have taught me what I know of a Southern folk magic. It took me back to sitting at the kitchen table, watching my mentor do an egg cleanse for someone with holy water she had blessed herself.

Cons:

Like I said, reading this book is a lot like a conversation with a Southern grandparent. That wasn't off-putting for me, but I can see how it might bother some readers.

I think Casas is from a slightly warmer climate than where I currently live. Some of the ingredients she uses in works, like olive leaves, are much harder to find in Southern Appalachia. Again, not a huge issue, but just know you'll have to make substitutions if you're not from a very warm climate.

Casas's practice is very heavily focused on working with ancestors and saints, which is not true for every Southern folk magic practitioner. I think she does sometimes give the impression that everyone has to work as closely with ancestors and saints as she does. You don't.

There's definitely a generational difference here with regards to how things like race, class, gender, etc. are discussed. I'm a younger millenial/elder Gen Z, and some of the language used in this book made me cringe a bit. Nothing as bad as slurs or open racism, but more like using outdated language that is considered poor manners but not quite offensive by younger generations.

Overall Rating: 3/5 stars

Would I recommend it?

Despite everything, yes I would. I think there really is some excellent information here, including things that are in danger of being lost. Casas says she wrote this book as a response to the rise of Internet witchcraft and that her goal is to preserve old style folk practices, and she absolutely accomplishes that goal.

This is definitely one I'd recommend checking out from the library before you decide whether to spend money on it, and it isn't without its flaws, but books about pure Southern folk magic with no New Age or neopagan influences are hard to find, so I wanted to spotlight this one. I got this from the library and am glad I did.

(And of course, if you're interested in African American folk magic, you should read books by African American authors. Luisah Teish and Stephanie Rose Bird are two of my personal favs.)

#book review #southern folk magic #southern folk witchcraft #folk magic #conjure #books #witchy books #witch #witchblr #starr casas

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dearest-diary · 7 months

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Wow... The last post was in the beginning of 2021... Now it's Oktober 2023. Honestly I don't even know where to begin writing about the last 2 years.

I was in a relationship from December 2019 until January 2023. We broke up. It was better that way, the last year of the relationship hasn't been going good at all. We both did seperate things, we didn't talk, didn't enjoy each other's company anymore.

Right after we broke up I met someone who I had like a friend's with benefits situation with, but that ended at the end of May. Since then nothing really happened.. at least physically with anyone.

I met this guy over a dating app... And omg.. I don't know what's happening with me or how to describe it 😅

Let's call him Dave. So we started writing in July, we videocalled and talked on the phone alot. Dave only lives a couple of minutes away. We've been seeing each other the last couple of months. But he had a super rough past... With ex girlfriends, family, health, finances etc. So he has big commitment and trust 'issues'. We hug a lot everytime we see each other.. but I just wish there will be more soon.. I just wish I could kiss him and hold is hand and stuff.. but he takes things super slowly and I respect that, but it's new for me and pretty unknown, that things take this long. I know he likes me and I've been clear about me liking him. I just really hope it doesn't take too long, because I really really like him..

Usually when I meet someone I always find something I don't like. That person could be taller, or that guy could have more beard, or this person could have this or that.. blablabla stupid things. But I can't find any flaw with Dave! Not one thing! He can talk my ear of for hours about world of warcraft and I don't understand half of it but that's okay, as long as I can spend time with him..

So I guess I just hope for the best and we'll see where this will be going..

I've been done with my Apprenticeship since August 2021. I've been working in a child day care for the last 2 years. The job has had is ups and downs but for now, it's the right thing for me.

Remember how I said that I'm bipolar before... We'll I don't think thats right anymore. I actually think I have ADHD, I've been gathering information about ADHD in women for a long time now and almost everything fits exactly! And women with ADHD often have a wrong diagnosis, like bipolar etc. Its actually helped me find different ways to deal with myself and learning about my self more.

I've been living alone in my Appartment for the last 3 months (my best friend lived with me for a while) and honestly I love it! There's still so much to do to make it feel like a really home, but it's slowly getting there.

Overall I can say I'm doing good. I do have some down days and sometimes a mental 'breakdown' but I make it work somehow. I wish things with Dave would be going the next steps but that's okay, I have time. I have my 2 best friends and a handful other friends. I learned that I don't need many friends, just true ones, I'm not 20 anymore 😂 the 30 is getting closer and closer. Aaaaaah.

Anyway, who know what'll happen until the next time I post haha

Byeeee 🤘🏻

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crazy-loca-blog · 3 years

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The Newlyweds Game: Friends Edition

A/N: It's Zoom time! This week, the whole gang has decided to have a Zoom party to unveil the darkest secrets of Edenbrook's hottest couple. Bree tried to choose three candidates but it was impossible, everybody wanted to participate; however, as Tobias is the newest member of this group, many of these questions don't apply to him, so he'll be acting as the moderator of this session to make sure that everybody speaks.

As usual, thanks to the lovely @jamespotterthefirst for sending this weekly challenge. Girl, you have no idea how much you've helped me to have some distraction from work this week! It's been insane! I really needed it!

Tobias: Well, are we all here?

Ethan: Why do I suddenly feel like we're under a microscope?

Casey: Because we are... well kind of.

Kyra: This is going to be so much fun, we've been reading your answers for weeks already!

Casey and Ethan: *in unison* You have?!?!

Elijah: *smirks* Yeah, we even read the spicy ones.

Jackie: *smirks* Especially the spicy ones.

*Casey and Ethan blush furiously*

~~*~~*~~

Questions for the friends:

Tobias: How did you first find out about their relationship? Were you surprised?

Jackie: Duh, the kiss at the gala...

*Everybody laughs*

Jackie: *not understanding anything at all* What? We all saw them kissing that day! That's how we found it out! We teased this poor girl for days after it!

Kyra: I second Jackie, but I think that was more of a confirmation... so it wasn't a surprise because we all kind of knew it way before that...

Bryce: Jackie, I can't believe you didn't see it before! I confirmed something was going on before the softball game... I remember Ethan didn't want to play with us, but he changed his mind as soon as Casey asked him to do it...

Rafael: During one of our conversations after the attack, I remember Casey telling me that Ethan had been there with her that night after I went into a coma. It made sense with the fact that Ethan had confessed right before the attack that he wasn't single. That's when I knew it.

Sienna: No, no, no, it was way before that...

*While Elijah tries not to laugh, Casey and Ethan look at Sienna... are they scared?*

Sienna: If you were observant, you could really see the looks between them during Casey's trial... you just knew that something was going on there, that's when I found it out.

*Casey and Ethan breathe a sigh of relief*

Harper: *surprised* Really?!?! I mean, I know I told Ethan that he was biased, but I thought you had waited until Casey made it to the team to close the deal!

Casey: *smiling* What do you think, babe? Maybe it's time that we finally tell them the truth... they've been incredibly loyal to us...

Ethan: *smiling* Do you think they'll forgive us?

Casey: Yeah, they will... Naveen is definitely the one who found it out first, and he was right about us... would you do us the honor?

Naveen: Of course, my dear Casey... I'm sure that if you weren't surprised before, you'll be surprised now... I found it out after they returned from Miami, when they attended that conference during Casey's intern year...

*Everybody is in shock, and for like 5 seconds no one says a word. Naveen, Casey and Ethan just chuckle*

Aurora: Wow, you did manage to fool us after all! Have you been in a relationship since Miami?

Casey: Not really... Miami is when we knew we had feelings for each other. About a year after that we decided to give it a shot, just to see where things were going, and then we became official about a year and a half later.

Tobias: *surprised* I think none of us saw this coming. Okay, next question.

Tobias: How was the rumor mill at Edenbrook once they went public? Did you have to defend their honor?

Naveen: Maybe I'm the one to blame here because rumors started even before they had an actual relationship. Many people thought that Ethan had given Casey the spot in the team, when it was actually me. And that led to people saying things that weren't true.

Jackie: Interns and residents can be tough, I've had to deal with a couple of them in the past. They know better now.

Bryce: People will always talk, no matter what, even if they don't know you, I know from experience.

Aurora: I know what you mean, Bryce. Of course I think people are entitled to have their opinion and to believe what they want to believe, but they have no right to make up things just for fun. That hurts.

Kyra: Life in the administration can be very boring, so talking about other people's lives is like an everyday thing. But they wouldn't dare saying a negative thing about them in front of me, they knew we are friends.

Sienna: The nurses asked me a lot about them. There were mixed opinions, especially when they began dating in public, and they still say a lot of things about them, but they make sure I'm not listening to them because I may have had to stand up to some of them in the past.

Ethan: One of the reasons why it took us so long to have an actual relationship was because of that. I don't care about people talking about me, but I couldn't stand the idea of people talking about her, especially when she was an intern and she was proving to be an incredible doctor.

Casey: I honestly don't think you ever got my point when we talked about that and maybe the girls can help me here. You kept saying things were complicated, but especially when you're a woman, the chances that people say awful things about you are pretty high, no matter if they're true or not. It's sad, and unfair, and plain stupid, but it's like it comes with the package.

*All the girls nod in agreement*

Ethan: I will never understand that...

Harper: That's because you're a man and you don't gossip about anyone...

Kyra: Exactly, it's said that women are usually the worst enemy of another woman for a reason... I'm so glad that any of the people in this room follow that motto.

Tobias: What was your first impression of Ethan? Did he fit into the friend group right away?

Aurora: It was weird! My aunt's ex was dating one of my best friends, I had to process it for a while.

Harper: *laughing* But we had already broken up a long time ago!

Elijah: I think it was particularly strange for us, the roomies, basically because it was our boss dating one of us, so we didn't know how to act at first. But then we all learned to relax and you could tell it wasn't too long before he was one of us.

Kyra: He was the one who introduced me to Casey and then I worked with him when I was part of the administration, so it wasn't a big deal, we were used to have these informal interactions. He looked happier though.

Rafael: Same as Kyra. Ethan, Bryce and I go together to the gym, so it wasn't a change at all... it was an added bonus to the relationship we already had.

Tobias: We can't talk about Ethan, but I think me, Harper and Naveen could talk about Casey and we all would agree on our opinion. If someone had told us 10 years ago that Ethan would meet a person who would make him question all his morals and principles, that he would fall in love with that person and that he would end up marrying that person, we all three would have thought it was a terrible joke. She definitely turned his world upside down.

*Harper and Naveen nod in agreement*

Tobias: What’s the most adorable thing they do as a couple?

Sienna: They way they look at each other... it melts my heart.

Jackie: They're annoyingly cute... I can't believe I just said that, I need a drink now...

Rafael: They are very affectionate, maybe not with words, but with actions. Like they're always hugging, holding hands...

Harper: You could tell they are each other's best friend without even knowing they're married.

Naveen: They know how to communicate. They don't even need to talk to each other and they know exactly what the other wants to say. And it's been like that since they were friends.

Bryce: They are definitely couple goals. I think they have the type of relationship we all would like to have in our lives.

Kyra: Especially because of the big house and the money.

*Laughs*

Tobias: Which of their dates would you have liked to crash?

Bryce and Jackie: *in unison* All of them!!

*Laughs*

Naveen: I missed my oppotunity to crash their dates at Derry Raosters. I saw them so many times when they weren't officially together. They were so focused on each other that they never saw me and I'm sure they would have made up any excuse to try to convince me they weren't on a date. *chuckles*

Ethan: We used to go to Derry Roasters to work, those weren't dates.

Tobias: Wrong answer, Ethan! After all this time, I highly doubt that any person in this room believes that.

*Everybody nods in agreement, including Casey*

Ethan: *looking at Casey, surprised* You too?!?!

Casey: Yeah... I mean... it took me a while to realize it, but they actually looked a lot like dates, especially when we went there for no reason, just to escape from the hospital for a moment.

Elijah: I would crash their getaways... they go to the greatest places! I wouldn't mind going to a beach with them to get some vitamin D for a weekend.

Rafael: Or when they go skiing on winter... that resort looks so warm and cozy...

Sienna: Or those restaurants! The food and the drinks look so good! They definitely know how to pamper themselves!

Tobias: Did you ever witness a walk of shame (or anything else of the sort)?

*Elijah and Sienna can't hide it anymore... they cackle*

Tobias: Oooh... you did see them...

Elijah: Sorry Casey, but we've been keeping this secret for too long already... Sienna and I saw Casey sneaking Ethan out of the apartment not too long before the end of our intern year...

Casey: *furiously blushing* You traitor!

Jackie: *surprised* Wait, where was I?

Sienna: Sleeping

Jackie: Damn, Landrat was right when he said we wouldn't hear other people having sex when we moved into that place... anyway, I remember seeing Casey coming home early morning a few times, but I never asked... I assumed she had stayed at the hospital with some patient...

Aurora: You're so naïve that it hurts... anyway, I think we all have seen them leaving offices and the on-call room more times than we can count, so...

*Everybody nods in agreement*

Ethan: *visibly uncomfortable* Well, there is always paperwork that we don't have time to do during our shifts...

Harper: Well, as soon as the team office remains immaculate...

*Casey and Ethan look at each other in silence and smile*

Tobias: Oh, come on, guys! That's more than I wanted to know! I'll never look at that desk... or the couch... or those chairs... the same way now! I'm definitely asking the board to sanitize the office after this.

*Laughs*

Tobias: What was your reaction when you found out Casey was moving out to move in with Ethan?

Jackie, Aurora, Sienna and Elijah: *in unison* FINALLY!!

Casey: *surprised* Were you seriously expecting me to leave?

Aurora: No, we didn't want you to leave, don't get us wrong. In fact, we still miss having you around.

Jackie: The thing is, after you and Ethan became official, you did a pretty decent job trying to balance your time with him and your time with us at home.

Elijah: Sure, we could tell you spent less time with us, but you never failed when we planned a roomies night or for a videogames or a John Carpenter movie marathon.

Sienna: But we also knew that you and Ethan were taking your relationship very seriously and we wanted the best for both of you because you had gone through a lot... so we were kind of excited when you told us the news, because we knew how much it meant for you both.

Casey: *pouting* you're going to make me cry, guys!

Who won the prediction pool about when Ethan would pop the question?

Casey: *surprised* You guys had a pool?!?!

Ethan: *pinching the bridge of his nose* Unbelievable.

Jackie: Of course we did!

Tobias: And I won.

Bryce: And Sienna and I were a close second.

Harper: Tobias had an unfair advantage though, he has known Ethan the longest.

Tobias: But remember they both said they weren't going to get marry.

Elijah: They were avoiding the questions on the topic like the plague!

Naveen: And you believed them? Casey unconsciously made Ethan break every single one of his rules, so it was obvious to me that they would get marry someday.

Tobias: Were you in the wedding party? What was your favorite part about the wedding?

Ethan: we kept it really small, so we didn't have a wedding party. Casey's maid of honor was Sienna and my best man was Naveen, that was it.

Casey: Yeah, we didn't have a lot of guests, so we felt we didn't need to have an "official" party, but believe it or not, you all helped us somehow, especially when we were about to give up on the idea of getting married because it was being too much for us to handle.

Ethan: I don't think we ever thanked you properly for that. We were exhausted and you were there to help us when we needed you the most. We are very grateful for that.

Jackie: *smirks* Well, we were the ones who were going to enjoy the party, it was the least we could do for you.

Sienna: You would have done the same for any of us.

Bryce: I don't know if you guys agree with me, but I'd say my favorite part were their vows. I think we all cried with them.

Everybody: *in unison* YES!!

Harper: The thing is that we all know your relationship, but at the same time we know that you both try to keep things as private as possible, so when you exchanged your vows it was like for the first time you were truly opening up your relationship and letting us in. It was beautiful.

Kyra: And then your first dance was the perfect complement to those vows... it was really touching.

Casey: Kyra, you're so right! I never made that connection until now!

Elijah: Honorable mention goes to the food and the booze... everything was delicious!

Aurora: Don't remind me... worst hangover ever... but Raf giving us free samba lessons was awesome! We have to do that more often!

Rafael: Anytime!

Sienna: The idea of smores and blankets station you set up with a bonefire to hang out was so clever and cute! It was perfect!

~~*~~*~~

For everyone, including Ethan x Casey:

Tobias: Okay, this will be easy and fun. Basically, let's all play Fuck/Marry/Kill the people in this room. And before you can say anything, Ethan and Casey, you're not allowed to choose each other.

Casey: Not fair!

Tobias: I'm the moderator, I make the rules... go ahead, who wants to go first?

Jackie: Easy... I'd fuck Casey, marry Aurora and kill the meathead

Aurora: I think I'd fuck Rafael, marry Elijah, and kill aunt Harper... sorry!

Sienna: Let's see... I think I'd fuck Elijah, marry Raf and kill Naveen... but only because I have to kill someone, I wouldn't dare killing anyone in this room!

Elijah: I'd fuck Jackie, marry Aurora and kill Sienna, only because I know she'll forgive me

Bryce: I'd fuck Kyra and Harper, marry Casey and kill Jackie, of course

Rafael: I'd fuck Ethan, marry Sienna and kill Harper

Harper: *laughs* I literally saved your life, you traitor!

Rafael: *chuckles* Sorry!

Tobias: I'd fuck Aurora, marry Harper and kill Ethan or Casey, just because I want their jobs

Naveen: I think I'm too old to play these things...

Ethan: No way Naveen, if I'm in this mess, then you are too... go ahead...

Naveen: So... I would fuck Sienna, marry Harper, and kill Tobias for wanting to kill Casey or Ethan

Harper: I'd fuck Tobias, marry Naveen and kill Ethan... that was fast!

Kyra: Piece of cake... I'd fuck Jackie, marry Ethan and kill Casey, because she needs to be dead so that I can marry Ethan.

*Laughs*

Casey: Still thinking on who to fuck... but I'd marry Sienna or Aurora and I'd kill Elijah for being a traitor today... oh! I think I'd fuck Bryce...

Bryce: So many opportunities wasted when you were single, Casey...

Ethan: *very serious* Lahela...

*Laughs*

Ethan: This is so childish... are you sure I can't pick my wife?

Everybody: *in unison* NO!

Ethan: Okay... then... let's see... I'd fuck Tobias, marry Sienna or Rafael and kill Lahela, because of that very inappropriate comment he just made.

*Laughs*

Tobias: And that's a wrap, people! Now we only have to set a date for Elijah and Aurora and Rafael and Sienna's wedding and we're done... Thanks for having us, Bree!

~~*~~*~~

Tagging: @adiehardfan @izzyourresidentlawyer

#long post #because i was inspired #newlyweds game with your host bree #newlyweds game #newlyweds ask game #casey x ethan #ethan x casey

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sapphos-darlings · 3 years

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Hey! I have a big question here. I've been struggling with my sexuality for a while, so I'm searching for sources or sites with accurate tips or information. I've read the Masterdoc, but I have seen many people say it's not reliable. Are there any other sources where I can find more signs/tips/etc to "find out" my orientations? (speficically to find out if i'm really a lesbian or not). Thanks!

Hi, Lavender here!

Ah, the questioning phase. Perhaps calling it a questioning ‘phase’ isn’t that accurate though, it makes it sound so temporary and unimportant, when we are actually constantly learning and growing throughout our lives, and no part of your life, no matter how temporary, isn’t so unimportant that you can just wave it off.

People are right though. I don’t know what masterdoc you’re referring to, but it is unreliable. Sexual orientation is not a horoscope, a personality type or an illness that you can diagnose.

The only source for the question “what is my sexual orientation?” is you. There is no personality test, online quiz, master document or any other shortcut like that. The only question that you need answering is “who am I attracted to?” and honestly, you only find that out by living your life, having experiences and pondering on your own wishes and hopes.

I can totally understand that not having all the answers and struggling with something that feels very important and urgent is frustrating, but there really isn’t a test you can take on these things.

Other people’s experiences and whether you relate to them or not are honestly pretty unimportant at this stage. Of course it’s wonderful to find things you share, but you don’t need anyone else to tell you who you are attracted to or what you want. Those are things that come from within you, and are not handed to you from anyone else. No one else is an authority on you.

That said, I could share some experiences. Again, I will mention men on this post! This is your warning. (Good heavens, a second time within a week).

For me my orientation has been very steady for 15 years since I started thinking about it, but I have friends who have struggled more and had several questioning phases down the line too.

For me, I was in middle-school when crushes started actually turning serious for me and other kids around me. There were flirty texts, hanging out together, attempts at dating, and also suddenly new sensations in the form of hormonal teenage sexual desire. During that time, I fell for my best friend, which I realized because I wanted to hold her hand, spend time alone with her, felt so special and wonderful when I got confirmation of being her best friend in return, and hugs from her caused me to feel so warm. She didn’t return my feelings, but I did come to a conclusion that it was that crush thing everyone was raving about, and I get those on girls.

I was surrounded by straight girls, and everyone was talking about boys. It felt like all the time, and I just didn’t get it. It was dawning on me that the girls around me felt something when they looked at guys: Men were handsome and made them giddy, they wanted to lean against them and kiss them and be seen and held in return. During late night biking trips we did, there were giggly conversations about sex and what we might like about it. All theoretical, all very jokey, but also very curious, and together our friend group was building an idea about what it might be and what they liked.

I never felt anything like that. I look at a man and see a human sure, but he’s just about as interesting to me as a house plant. The idea of having him touch me, or thinking about a man - no matter how cool and fun and hot - in a sexual situation with me feels unnatural and makes me recoil.

So, lesbian. Fairly simple, when I had crushes on girls and my sexual desire focused on women, and a thought of a man makes me turn completely cold.

Then again, I have many bisexual friends. Most of them are women and prefer other women, but they have still had crushes and fantasies about men and some have had actual boyfriends. A friend of mine sort of checked her bisexuality some years ago because she’s been interested in pretty much only women, but then suddenly had a very fiery even if brief thing with a man. It’s just she doesn’t meet many men, and ever fewer are actually interesting and make her interested. She is interested in men rarely, but she has that potential. So, bi.

Another friend of mine likes women and very feminine men. I call her jokingly “a very bad bisexual” because she basically wants women or men who look like women. She also has severe trust issues regarding men, so she leans heavily into her attraction to women. She is basically 98% homosexual and doesn’t act on that remaining 2%, but men are still a part of her sexual attraction and fantasies, and she’s open to the possibility of some absolutely singular and wonderful man coming into her life one day when she’s ready for it. So, still bi.

Basically we know our sexual orientations by simply meeting people and letting our sexual and romantic desire do its thing. We have had crushes, girlfriends, some boyfriends, talked about our feelings with each other, kept diaries, and so on.

Honestly, in the end sexual orientation is very simple. It’s very important, personal, exciting and affects many things, so it does feel confusing and overwhelming at times especially when you haven’t explored it much yet, but you are what you are. You have the experience that you have, you are the person you are, and just getting an accurate label doesn’t change anything fundamentally.

It is also very possible that you simply haven’t felt anything serious yet. Love and desire are things you sort of know when they happen. Again, time is what you need.

You have your whole life to figure this out, and anyway, it’s the loving and desiring part that’s fun and wonderful about your sexuality, not labelling it.

#reply #questioning women #Lavender

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vampish-glamour · 3 years

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Ok firstly, I stg this isn't a shitpost.

I'm a cis woman, butch as fuck, but still very much cis. I mean I've had issues with internalized misogyny and body dysmorphia, but never dysphoria (I think)

I really want to yodel. (This isn't a shitpost) But online, people have told me (mostly via a sideways, the music youtuber, video) that only people with high testosterone (aka men) can yodel. This is upsetting to me, as I've wanted to learn how for a while. (Again I know this is stupid as fuck but it isn't a joke or a shitpost)

Would it be a stupid decision for me to (either temporarily or what have you) try HRT or something similar in order to increase the testosterone in my body so that I can yodel? Or would I be potentially hurting myself?

I have no qualms with looking/sounding like a man, btw.

I know this sounds weird and extreme but it's something that's really bothered me for about a year now and I need some advice from people who understand what transgenderism actually is. If I were to ask the mogai crowd, they'd tell me to do it anyway bc they don't believe in gender. I figured you could help me with some advice or point me in the direction of someone who could give me some. (Please no terfs, radfems, or transphobes)

Sorry again, this is so weird to talk about, and I don't know who to go to lol

Hi! First of all, please don’t put down your interests!!! Yodelling is hella cool. And I’m pretty sure I’ve heard women do it.

I just searched it up, here’s a video of a little girl yodelling, and killing it!

Here’s Jewel,

a 12 year old girl,

A mom annoying her kid (the ending’s adorable omg),

Three women,

And I’m sure there’s much more out there! I just searched up “women yodelling” and these were fun to listen to!

Point is, clearly women are able to yodel. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were different techniques for men and women, since men and women have different voices. Maybe try specifically looking for female yodelling techniques, and if you’re looking for coaches—people who are either women themselves or know how to teach women. Right now you might be looking at sources made for/by males, which would make the techniques not applicable to females. In the same way techniques for females wouldn’t be applicable to males.

As for going on testosterone, I would say it’s not a good idea. Because it wouldn’t just be making you sound like a man, and being butch and looking like a man vs being on testosterone which makes you look like a man are very different things. One is being gnc and is about presentation, the other is taking hormones that physically change your body.

You have to keep in mind that testosterone is going to cause bottom growth, male pattern baldness, and facial hair (probably more, these are off the top of my head). I’ve heard trans men say that they experienced acne and increased sweating when they went on T, as well as oilier and rougher skin. I’m not sure of the effects on breasts, I think they may decrease in size? Either way, these side effects aren’t going to be taken well by a cis woman. It’s why detransitioners describe actually giving themselves gender dysphoria, because they experience physical changes that their brain knows shouldn’t be happening. And many of the changes aren’t temporary, which leaves long lasting effects on their mental health.

I would strongly recommend against going on T for something like this. Especially because from what it looks like, women can absolutely yodel without going on testosterone.

I’ll tag @kiss-the-cis and @myragewillendworlds because they have good sources on dysphoria and such, and might be able to give better information than I can if they wish. And you can also look through the sources on their blogs if you want to learn more!

And good luck with yodelling! it seems like a really cool thing to learn! 😄💕

#asks #anon #no need to apologize for sending this!

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drreid187 · 5 years

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At Each Other's Throats

This is the sequel to a oneshot I posted a few weeks ago.

Here's part 1 if you didn't read it:

Enjoy!

A few months after your first meeting, you and Spencer were brought back together by another case.

“Agent Y/L/N, thank you for joining us again.” You were greeted by Emily Prentiss when you stepped off the elevator.

“The pleasure is mine, Emily. I just read up on the case before I left my house, what time are we leaving?” You asked, tugging at the strap from the bag on your shoulder. You had received the case information that morning and had read through it pretty quickly. 3 women abducted from their homes, and killed by strangulation before being dumped in a forest. Lack of sexual assault indicating to possible impotence.

“Wheels up in 20.” Emily replied, grabbing her go bag.

You were greeted by everyone once you stepped onto the plane, you took the remaining empty seat beside Dr. Spencer Reid.

“Hello again, Dr. Reid.” You smiled at him. His long hair was messy and all over the place.

“Agent Y/L/N, it's great to see you.” He replied.

Throughout the flight, you all discussed victimology, brunette women in their 30s, and how the abductions took place 3 days apart, with the body of the previous victim being found the day before the next abduction. 2 days was all that you had to find the unsub, since Hanna Neeson disappeared this morning. You couldn't help but notice Spencer subtly looking at you while you were talking, or how your hands briefly touched when you were looking at the files on the table. You couldn't lie to yourself, you'd imagined what it would be like to be with him, and in your imagination, it was incredible. You threw those thoughts away so you could really focus on the case in front of you.

“Reid, Y/L/N, head to the coroner's office.” Emily said just before you landed. You nodded diligently, you glanced at Spencer, who also nodded but did not meet your gaze.

The case was not the toughest one the BAU had worked on, and in less than two days, you had a lead. Raymond Taylor, a doctor who had treated all of the victims over the last 6 months, was your unsub. He had been abused by his mother, a woman who held a startling resemblance to each of the victims. You and Spencer worked well together over the two days, but there was little conversation for fear of an argument.

You and the team had cornered Raymond Taylor in an empty multi storey car park, where he was planning on putting Hanna into his car and killing her before dumping her body. Luckily you had all gotten there on time.

You and Spencer were standing on the floor above the action; you could see JJ attempting to talk Raymond Taylor down while he held a gun to Hanna Neeson's head, she was screaming, terrified for her life.

Emily's voice was heard through your earpiece about 5 minutes later.

“Y/L/N, do you have a clear shot? If you do, shoot. This guy is not wavering, if we leave it too long he'll shoot Hanna. At this stage JJ is just delaying the inevitable.”

“Yeah, I got it.” You nodded, holding the gun tightly and closing one eye to check your him, you thought you could definitely make the shot.

“Y/N, you do not have a clear shot.” Spencer spoke from beside you.

“I'm a good shot, Spencer, I've got this.” You said, bending down and aiming again.

“A good shot is not a perfect shot, Y/N. Don't do it.” He said, his voice was stern.

“If I don't do it, he'll kill Hanna.”

“If you do do it, you'll kill her.” He said, his eyes burning into the side of your head.

“Does someone have a clear shot?” Emily's voice rang again, “We need to do this now.”

You trusted your gut; you had gotten the highest score out of everyone during your weapon assessment during training and your score was higher than anyone in the BAU. You ignored what Spencer said, and cautiously held down the trigger which sent Raymond Taylor hurtling to the ground. Hanna Neeson remained unharmed and ran towards JJ who enveloped her in a hug.

You let out a long breath, and when you turned to your left, Spencer was gone.

It hurt you, you thought that you and Spencer had been getting along really well, and suddenly he was back to the same guy he was a few weeks ago, when he shouted at you in the office.

An hour or so later, everyone was on the plane, and you had decided to sit directly opposite Spencer, at the back of the plane. Even though you wanted to sit beside Alvez, you figured you should talk to Spencer. He was reading a book when you sat down, and didn't look up.

"Listen, Reid, I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you, but you didn't believe in me enough to make the shot." You said, just loudly enough for Spencer to hear you, but so that the others couldn't.

"You disobeyed an order, Y/N." He said, glancing up briefly.

"An order, Reid? Last time I checked, it was Emily who was in charge and she is the one who told me to shoot, you're my equal here. You're the same rank as me, so don't act like I did anything wrong. I should've known someone with your brains would have a superiority complex." You muttered, and got up again to sit by Luke.

Spencer spent the majority of the flight reading, and sneaking glances at you when you weren't looking. You spent the remainder of the flight chatting with Luke, Emily and Rossi.

The plane landed just over an hour later, you immediately agreed to go to the bar with Luke, JJ, Matt, Garcia and Emily. Rossi decided to head home and Spencer muttered something about finishing paperwork at the office instead.

Drinks were still flowing 2 hours later, and everyone was feeling it.

"Here's to another case solved. And to Y/L/N and her perfect shot." Emily toasted and everyone clicked their glasses and knocked back their drinks.

"Oh, Spence is here." JJ said, you followed her gaze to the door. Surely enough, you spotted the genius heading towards your table.

Spencer swiftly greeted everyone before turning to you.

"I'd like to talk to you outside." Spencer said, and there was a sudden silence at the table.

"Is that a suggestion or an order, Dr. Reid?" You said with a mocking face.

"Please, Y/N."

You got up and turned quickly to the table, who were very confused, before telling them you'd be back in a minute.

You followed Spencer outside, turned a corner so you weren't standing on the road, and you leaned against the wall of the bar and waited for him to say something.

"Y/N, I'm very sorry about today. I-I don't have a superiority complex, I really don't. If I'm completely honest I was just pissed off that I was wrong. I told you that you would hit Hanna if you shot, and you didn't. My maths was off, for some reason, and I was embarrassed and I'm very sorry that I took it out on you." Spencer said, he was mainly looking down at his shoes, but did then look up at you.

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have dismissed you like that, and I take back what I said about the superiority complex." You said. "Also, you'd better get used to being wrong if you're working with me."

Spencer softly chuckled.

"If it means we get to work together, I'll learn to accept it." He smiled at you.

It was only then that you realised how close you were both standing. You were both leaning against the wall, just a few inches apart. Neither of you moved. The semi-drunk part of your brain found Spencer's ability to apologise when he was wrong extremely attractive, not many men you knew did that. Another part found him just attractive anyway, and your whole body was reacting to standing so close to him. With a bit of liquid courage on board, you reached out and took his hand in yours. He didn't flinch or pull away, but squeezed yours in return.

"Do you want to come in and have a drink with us?" You asked him.

"Yeah, but first, I want to see if I'm right." He said, closing the gap between your bodies.

"Right about what?" You asked, your breathing increasing as one of his hands cupped your cheek.

"About how good it would feel to kiss you." Spencer replied, and suddenly his lips were on yours. His hands moved to either side of your face, pulling you in. Your hands gripped the front of his shirt as he so expertly moved from your lips to your neck. You involuntarily moaned and that made Spencer laugh. It felt like nothing you had ever felt before, your whole body responded to him perfectly. His soft lips traveled back up to yours and you savored his taste before pulling away.

"And?" You said, breathlessly.

"Unsurprisingly, I was right." He nodded, smiling, before pulling you back in.

#spencer reid #criminal minds #matthew gray gubler #mgg #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid oneshot #x reader #cm

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thiswreckageivebecome · 5 years

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The Winter Soldier is Still Here (Part 25 - “Hail Hydra”) (Bucky/Winter Soldier x reader)

Description: You’re working at the local farmers market when you meet Bucky and catch his eye, not only because you’re the only one who sells plums, but because you treat him like a normal person. As a friendship begins to bloom, it quickly grows into a relationship and you learn that life with Bucky isn’t as easy it originally seemed. I SUCK AT DESCRIPTIONS!

Word count: 2044....a short one, I'm sorry, but I thought a short update might be better than none. In the words of Peggy, “It’s been so long.”

Warnings: Language.

Author’s Note: I don't own art.

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READER POV

__________

I stared in disgusted awe at Jake. This...this was not happening. He was...

"Jake, " I asked almost silently. "Who are y-? Why? What is going on?" He scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Oh please, " he now spoke with a heavy Russian accent, "don't even start with dramatics and hysterics. None of that will help you. Nothing will, really. Oh, the Asset thinks he will save you. Hell, he probably believes he'll sacrifice himself for you, but no. He has no idea the storm that will soon hit him."

"But, Jake....you're...you're... what about the hospital? The hike? Our relationship."

"Oh, you thought that was real," Jake questioned in the voice I recognized. Then he laughed aloud. "Woman, you're a fool. The Asset really fucked you up, didn't he? You fell so easily into the trap. You've been the easiest target we've ever had. If you had left him be you'd have never become involved, yet here you are, still pining for him in New York."

I attempted to get up but the threatening tone that propelled itself at me stopped me cold.

"Don't dare fucking move, you bitch."

"I just, I don't understand. Any of it."

"Боже. ты идиот, но теперь долго, маленькая сука. Look, you're pathetic so I'm going to tell you this and then it's lights out. I'm not Jake. I wouldn't have such a trashy American name. You were the target to get to Barnes. Soon enough he won't remember you and you'll have no way of remembering him. Therefore, rest well knowing that you're the reason he will be serving Hydra once again."

As promised I was unconscious in the next second. The last thing I remembered was his cold hands around my throat and the room slowly dimming until there was nothing but pitch black.

BUCKY POV

___________

I ran to the weaponry faster than I had run in quite some time. I had to get to (y/n) soon. If I didn't get there quick enough, they'd kill her just for spite. As I got to the vault, a message came through on Steve's phone which I would have to steal. It was a location: Jumping Jack Powerplant. While the actual location of this plant had been erased from public record, I knew it well as the hideout Hydra had used when it was after Nick Fury and after its full control attempt at overtaking S.H.I.E.L.D. The location had to be close enough to D.C. to arrive in a short time yet far enough so that it was off of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s radar. I quickly grabbed all of my usual choices: Gerber Yari ll Tanto, SIG-Sauer P220ST, and Vz.61 Skorpion. To be honest, I didn't plan to put up much of a fight unless that's what it took to free (y/n) and get her to safety. Otherwise, I was planning to do what they asked but it was best not to go empty-handed. I closed the vault quickly and as I turned around Natasha was standing in front of me.

"Barnes, what's going on?" The tone of her voice told me she already had a clue.

"Nothing, Natasha. Don't tell anyone I'm gone. I have to go." I pushed past her but she quickly caught up.

"It's Hydra isn't it," she asked as she followed me down the steps. I'd make it downstairs quicker that way.

"Natasha," I called over my shoulder, "please, just go back and pretend you never saw me."

"No," she wouldn't leave me. I halted and turned to her quickly but before I could speak, she figured it out.

"They've got her, don't they?" Her words hit me again like a fresh ton of bricks, the reality sinking in more than it already had. I halted for a second to stop myself from stumbling as the weight on my chest began to cave in. I began to continue my descent but she didn't move.

"They're just trying to get to you, Barnes. They only want you."

"You think I don't know that? I don't care. I can't let her die on my account."

"Just so we're clear."

She quickly caught up with me and actually passed me. By the time I made it down she already had the vehicle pulled to the door.

"Get in." After I was in and the door just shut, "where to," she asked.

"Jumping Jack Powerplant. It's North o-"

"Of D.C. Yeah, I remember." I simply nodded. We rode in silence for quite some time. When we were about 15 minutes out, she broke the silence. "So what's the plan when we get in." I remained silent. "You do have a plan, right," she asked worriedly.

"Yeah. Kill anyone who gets in my way to (y/n)."

READER POV

————————

I awoke with bright lights shining in my eyes, lights so bright that I immediately had to squint. There was a beeping noise. It started to speed up and then I realized it must have been a heart monitor.

"The stupid princess awakes," Jake...or whatever his name was...spat. "The asset isn't here yet so you might as well calm down. No use in screaming either, no one will ever hear you and we made it where you can't reach your full voice anyway."

I tried to speak but no sound came out. I began to panic. What had he done to me? He smiled.

"You're one of the most stubborn women I've ever met. I just told you-you cannot reach your full voice, yet what is the first thing you try to do? You won't be able to scream or even speak for a while. You might as well calm down, otherwise, I'll put you back under." I attempted to calm down. I needed to be as aware of everything he would do as I possibly could. I tried to lie still and keep my face even and emotionless. After a few moments of this, he commented on it. "Hmm, maybe there's a reason you and the Asset got along so well. You're both able to turn off your emotion so well. Granted I'm sure the serum helps." I had to stop my eyes from growing and becoming restless again as he got ready to continue.

"You know, this little serum right here," he held up a syringe that held an almost clear, slightly blue-tinted liquid inside, "took us many years to perfect but once we did, we made vats of it. We keep it stored safely away in a top secret location, of course. I can't wait to use it on you. The ladies always have the best reaction," he finished explaining eerily. He began wrapping an elastic band around my arm and I couldn't remain calm any longer. I started to try and shake the table straps loose so that I could, in turn, get away. I knew it was useless but I had to fight. If nothing else, maybe I could keep him from getting whatever serum he was so in love with, within my body. I couldn't scream but that didn't stop me from trying. I could feel the tight sinched air attempting to scratch its way out into the warehouse but it wasn't going far. I didn't struggle for long. He stuck a different syringe quickly in my arm and there was the darkness that immediately surrounded me.

BUCKY POV

———————-

Natasha parked far enough away that we wouldn't be detected and I got into the driver's seat and drove slowly up to the building, on high alert for any sneak attacks. I knew Natasha wouldn't be far behind me, probably already making her way into the building before I pulled up and parked outside of the locked fence. After I took a quick observance of my surroundings, I got ready to jump the fence when the gate to my right began to open. They knew I was here. They had learned how to hide their cameras better than they had in the past.

I entered the grounds, even more, hyperaware of the fact that they had eyes on me even though I didn't have my own on them than I was before. After I had walked about 15 feet I saw them, I saw him. I recognized him immediately which was surprising considering I couldn't remember much else. As soon as he spoke I knew this was the man who had posed as Jake.

"Charscovsky."

"Soldier."

"What an honor that you'd meet me at the entrance, " I attempted not to sneer. All he did was smile mischievously.

"Oh, come now, Soldier. You act as though we weren't close once."

"You and I have very different definitions of 'close' then."

The eerie smile never left his face. He turned on his heel and began to leisurely lead the way into the building. As he led me in I noticed just the faintest blur of red hair to my left before I entered and I was grateful in that moment that Natasha had refused to be left behind.

"(Y/n) has had such wonderful things to say about you."

"Take me to her."

"Oh, now, now, Soldier. You'll be reunited soon enough. First, we need to discuss a few things."

"We don't need to discuss anything except you telling me where (Y/n) is. Once she's out of here we'll discuss whatever you like."

"You see, that was a huge problem that we never did perfect with the soldier serum."

He waited for me to respond but I refused. He stopped at a door and turned to look at me.

"You're not curious, huh? I suppose I'll say it anyway. It'll be valuable information to you very soon."

He paused again waiting for a response but when he realized I wasn't going to, that smile he had held for the entirety of the time since our eyes had met, began to fade which almost brought one to my face.

"Whether you're curious or not, Soldier, what I'm referring to is the ability to negotiate. You see, we didn't think about that at the time. Elimination and defense were the prime qualities we wanted but now, looking back, I can see it is something we will need to work on in the future. I imagine you'll soon wish we would have too." He arrived at a door and stopped. Four guards stepped between us as he leaned down and pressed his face to a retinal recognition. I suppose they knew I would be tempted to attack and dissemble in order to get to her if he were left unprotected. I heard the door unlock before opening into darkness. My body tensed as I didn't know what this meant. He waved off the guards so that they walked behind us and he led the way into the dark.

I then heard two thumps on each side of me. I turned, fully alert, ready for a fight, but instead, I saw nothing but as the room lit, a dash of red flew past me and took down Charscovsky, pinning him to the floor.

"Oh," he smirked, "Ms. Romanoff, what a pleasant surprise."

"Where is she?" Natasha sneered.

"Oh yes, you have become fond of her too, haven't you?" Natasha pushed down against his throat more, so that he had to put more effort into continuing, "не волнуйся, ты скоро ее увидишь." He smiled again, mischief playing happily across his eyes. Natasha stood and jerked him up along with her. I stepped to him, toe-to-toe. "Where the hell is she?" I was now snarling. He smiled and remained silent a moment. He was clearly enjoying himself.

"Oh, зимняя принцесса," he said louder as if he was calling to someone else.

"What?" Natasha quickly questioned.

"No," I said, not wanting to believe what he was saying. Fear and anger took me over. My vision blurred. "No!" I exclaimed, pushing him into the wall to my left. My left hand grasped his throat, the metal plates of my arm shifting to strengthen my grip. All the while he smiled.

"Bucky, what is it? What's he saying?" Natasha asked, worry filling her tone. She didn't have to wait long to find out.

#bucky fic #the winter soldier is still here #fanfiction #bucky x reader #winter soldier x reader #Sebastian stan #my writing

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bloggingwithmattporter · 5 years

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My Relationship and How It Ended

All through our lives, we wonder who our partner will be and how will we find them? Going out with friends, talking online for a while or just simply a bump into each other. At the age of 20, I was amazed at the thought of how i'd meet someone I could be myself around. Myself having an incredibly outgoing bubbly personality, I always knew that I could be seen by many people, but never knew that I would find someone who I'd consider to be perfect for me. For years I've been independant and achieved things by myself with no partner by my side, I didn't want anyone nor was I looking for someone. But yet, I always thought to myself "I wonder if my future girlfriend would be proud of me", which actually makes you realise you're more lonely than you thought, but hey, that's okay because you know one day you will find her.

Everything changed for me one night, a few weeks after I started a new job. I decided to go out one night, which i remember fondly enough that I would've rather stay in and watch some films, but decided it would be a great time to celebrate the job I acquired. When you were like me and decided to drink yourself silly every single week, you had to find reasons to go out. Little did I know, going out that night would change my life in millions of great ways, which is now terrifying to think about.

After a fair few drinks, I decided to go out into another area of the club to share my loud obnoxious personality around. The moment I walked down there, was like a movie. I saw a girl, even in my intoxicated state, I could tell she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever laid my eyes upon. I instantly came up with a goal to make her laugh. It takes a lot to make me nervous, it was trait that I never had. I went up to her and at that exact same time, she walked up to me and introduced herself. You know how I said it was like a movie? I said that because when I looked into her eyes, everything around me froze, I was just standing there. After what felt like thirty minutes, I introduced myself then we sat down and had a drink. I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact conversations that we had, but I can tell you I interrupted her to inform her that I needed to do a pee followed by what I thought to be an FBI cross Ninja jump over the table, but according to her that was never the case... I still stick with what I thought it felt still to this day. When I returned we had another drink and spoke some more and introduced us to each others friends. One of my friends, Jordan, looked at me when I introduced her and smiled at me, for some strange reason, he knew I was interested, suppose I've never really introduced a girl to my friends before. As this night drew to a close, I lost her and eventually stormed out of the club because I had enough. Little did I know, she was asking about me when I left. I got home, surprisingly, and fell asleep.

I woke up to a message from her asking me out on a date. I immediately felt emasculated, but that was okay. Obviously I said yes. We went to a Shannon Noll concert, it was a perfect time spent together and the happiest i've been in a very long time. I still remember how it felt to feel true happiness after such a long time of being alone.

As messages upon messages went by between each other, it was suddenly a week or two later. We had organised for me to stay over her place, have a couple of drinks and listen to some old school music, the best kind. As she's on the floor choosing the songs to put on and I am sitting on her bed, that strange feeling erupted in me again, true happiness. I didn't know at the time, but she was radiating something I haven't felt before, whether it was her great music choice or just being around her. As the night progressed, next thing we know we were in bed together 'cuddling'. We were talking about something that made me laugh, which at the end I did something I couldn't take back. I laughed and then said I love you, which i quickly recovered by saying "lol jokes, you wish". Yes, I actually said that and it turned out more funny than what we were previously discussing. This became a running joke for years to come. I remember laying there thinking "Why did I say that", I was confused about how it happened because it just completely slipped out, I didn't mean to say it but knew I felt it. This was when I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. In the end, it was a perfect night spent by someone whom I believed I loved very quickly. I had never felt this way about another person before.

A week at work progressed and we decided to stay over again, same music, but this time we felt closer than ever. It was an amazing feeling for me and I was honestly just falling harder and harder for her. I knew the next time I saw her, I wanted to do something special, so I surprised her with a little getaway to a nice resort at the Sunshine Coast. When we got there, we checked in and went across the street to Woolworths to stock up on food and the dinner I was going to cook for her, Beef Strogonoff. When we returned, we got the keys and went to our apartment to find out that there was in fact, no kitchen. So it turned out to be a KFC night. This was when I knew she was the one for me, as we finished eating, i decided to rip the KFC bags and dress her up.. it was incredibly hilarious at the time and damn she could pull the look off. We got into bed and watched Eurovision trying to understand the words they were singing, it was great and it was definitely a great weekend. Once again, the kitchen became a running joke too, I could never escape it. After this weekend away, we sat down and decided it would be best if I moved in with her, as I’m always there anyways. So a month after dating, we were living together and I’ve never felt so much happiness, everything was perfect and working out for me.

Months and months went on, we sat there laughing about the possible arguments we would have because we have never argued before. I knew for a fact that I was so in love with this woman that I never wanted to lose her. We were perfect for a very long time. I’d get lost in her eyes every time she would laugh, or how her eyes opened wide when she was explaining a story or a topic she was passionate about. She has the most incredible smile with a beautiful laugh.. which includes her little snorting she does when the laughing can’t stop.

Every morning I would wake up, give her a kiss on the forehead and say good morning. Every night, I’d give her 10 kisses on the forehead, we both made sure to count as it all became a ritual. There were so many memories, inside jokes and little rituals we had that we got so used to that it all became normal. I was still in love with this woman at the age of 23.

Suddenly, cracks started to appear because of my inability to talk. I know, how does someone not know how to talk? That was and still is the hardest thing for me. I am so used to not sharing my feelings about negative things and instead keep it bottled up inside, its a very unhealthy thing to do and still to this day I'm slowly learning.

We were having many fights, breaking up but working our way back to each other every single time. We knew we wanted to be together and we were too stubborn to admit it at times, we were an incredibly competitive couple. Ask her about the monopoly game, she'll tell you she won..... thats because she did but I can assure you we never played monopoly again. I cannot elaborate on the amount of fights and quick break ups we had, we had a severe rough patch. But everything was perfect and I was still the happiest guy in the world.

The last time we broke up was around May 2018, the month we got together in 2016. This was a tough break up but we got back together a week later. I know, people may think how is this healthy, but when you're in love with someone, you'd do anything to make sure it works. Everything was perfect for many many many months. We discussed getting our very own place and we started to buy furniture each paycheck so we would be able to move into a house that wasn’t partly furnished, having kids (even agreed on some names to respect my mother which meant a lot to me) and more importantly, the engagement I was going to do at the start of the year.

I started an incredibly bad addiction to video gaming every day for hours on end, instead of the usual couple of hours a week. I became lazy and didn't appreciate what I had right next to me the entire time. Nearly 3 years we spent together, you would think that I would be more attentive. I just forgot about every thing in my life and was just committed to video games like the person I was long before I met her. I stopped wanting to have sex and I stopped wanting to go out on weekends with her. This all hit home and completely shattered me after she told me she was getting male attention elsewhere. I stormed out with all my stuff and didn't look back once.

A week has gone by and I just sit here in silence every single day. I've eaten half a sausage roll that made me vomit, a few chicken balls and a handful of chips, against my will. During my silence, I realise how much I have changed. I have gone from the alcoholic version of myself to a guy who found out he was ready to settle down, the mature Matt I thought I wouldn't find until I was very much older. I'm not going to lie, this last paragraph is hard to type because I just fall back into the ifs and buts. I know for a fact, all I had to do was to get off that Xbox and give her attention, clean the room when she asked, give her the intimacy that we both required but I slacked out on and most of all, show her the amount of appreciation I have for her since we got together. I feel as though I never want to show another woman intimacy or become close again, unless it’s with her. The constant knot in my stomach won’t dissapear. The world knows just how much I do love her and all my good friends know how much I appreciate and love her, it just turns out I forgot to reassure the most important person to me.

I realise that I don't blame her for any of this because I guess it is all my fault. Every girl in a long lasting relationship needs to know that feeling that their partner does in fact care about them. I just guess for me, it is too late for that. I would do anything to go back to the life we had with me bringing an insane amount of changes that would make any girl feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Not only did I lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend and the only person that knew exactly who I was and who I am still to this day. She knows more about me than anyone else on this planet and i'm not afraid to admit that. She was my definition of a soul mate. I've never felt more comfortable and open with someone in my life and I highly doubt I'm going to find that feeling with anyone else for a very long time and even then, the chances are slim. All our inside jokes and memories haunt me every single day because they were the happiest times of my life. Every song that comes on the radio, its hard to listen to. All the songs on my phone, I can't listen to because each one takes me back to a time with her. It's hard to watch Netflix alone because I watched basically everything with her many times over. It's hard to get up in the morning and go to work, because every morning I would drive there knowing how close our future home was and how ready I was to propose to her, she was the reason why I got the new job a few weeks ago. The memories are suddenly everywhere and every day you're just caught up in constant nostalgia. The pain doesn’t disappear.

If I could go back in time and change everything, I would in a heartbeat. If she messaged me and told me she wants me back, I'd be there in a heartbeat too. With Christmas and New Years coming up, this is going to be a hard problem for me to recover from for the rest of the year. We had so many plans, I had many plans she didn't even know about. Nearly 3 years down the drain because I was too stupid to show her the amount of love and appreciation I have for her.. it truly fucking hurts. Being so ready to settle down, just for it all to come up above your feet isn't the best feeling.

The hardest part about break ups, is trying to forget about the imagined future you two had planned together. Our future looked so perfect. Going from being so happy, to suddenly depression hitting you straight on the head. The emptiness and loneliness is something I haven't felt in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy.

I don't expect many people to read this, but if you do, thank you for letting me vent and taking it on board. If you're in a relationship, please, tell your partner you love them and that you appreciate them, that's all it takes. Listen to them, talk to them and be there for them through everything life throws their way. Don't get caught up in technology or social media, they can easily become the source of break ups in this generation, which fucking sucks. Put your phone down and just show your partner that you love them. Never would I have thought I’d lose the one piece of me that meant more than anything else on this planet.

Most importantly, to her. If you're reading this, please know that I love and I miss you more than words can explain. I'm sorry that I didn't show you just how much you meant to me and just assumed you knew. You were, and still are, my world. The things we have done together are things I'll forever cherish and miss. You were my soulmate and I wish I could just show you all the changes I'd make to prove just how happy we can be. I would do anything to have you laying in my arms again and hearing you laugh. You are the only person in this world that I need and I’m honestly shattered to know I wasn’t that person for you. My friends keep telling me to move on.. why would I want to, and how could I move on when I know I’ve already met my soul mate? I’ll forever miss and love you.

I honestly thought typing this would make me feel better, even in the slightest amount, but in the end I guess it just made things worse for me. The hardest part for me was leaving someone who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I don't know where I would be or the type of person I would be if she didn't enter my life. She brought out the best version of me that was possible.

If you're going through a rough time, talk to a friend or family member. Please know, it's not embarrassing to seek professional help.

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7r0773r · 3 years

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A Little Devil in America: Notes in Praise of Black Performance by Hanif Abdurraqib

There were no Black people who clowned me or any of my pals for listening to so-called "alternative" music, because the people who introduced us to that music were Black people. Of course, there were the hip-hop stalwarts, just like there were the overly devoted punk kids or metalheads who didn't really have much interest in crossing genres up. But these were not a malicious bunch—one simply respected the territory as needed. Keep a wide range of cassettes in a bag, so that if the fate of school bus seating shook you out next to the devoted rap heads, you'd have something to pass around and collectively nod to. And if you found yourself with a committed Black goth, you could pull the dubbed tape of Cure songs out of your back pocket. I first learned to code-switch through the musical movements of my people, and done among my people in this way, it didn't feel like a shameful burden. It felt like a generosity—a celebration of the many modes we could all fit into.

I think of this particular part of my upbringing when I hear other Black people reference what they grew up listenIng to or watching in an attempt to distance themselves from other Black people, or to make their experience exceptional or unique. A better and more interesting conversation to have, I think, is the one about how we are all outside the borders of someone else's idea of what Blackness is. To someone else Black, I am either too much of something or not enough of something else. The impulse when confronted with these facts, it seems, is to either attempt to assert whatever ness you claim and know well, or punish or deride those who might dare question your identity.

But if Blackness and the varied performance of it are to be embraced, then what also has to be embraced is the flawed fluidity of it. How the performance is sometimes regional, sometimes ancestral, often partially forged out of a need to survive some place, or some history, or some other people who didn't wish you or your kinfolk well. And yes, sometimes forged out of an ambition to appeal to the limited imagination of whiteness. The problem is that there is no way to prove oneself Black enough for every type of Black identity in the States, let alone the world. There is not always a way to prove (and possibly no way to trace) the how and why of your personal performance, until it becomes calculated. And in trying, high-profile figures often spiral further into being scrutinized by their doubters. I am thinking often on how crucial it is to love Black people even when feeling indicted by them. Even when that indictment is not out of love (which of course it sometimes is), but out of them clocking you for a standard you are not capable of rising to. I don't have any solution for this, but it has often seemed to me that even nodding and keeping it moving is an act of love when faced with the alternative of publicly debating the small or large nuances of specific modes of Blackness. And to not, in turn, make yourself a victim of Black people for the sympathy of a white audience. (On the Certain and Uncertain Movement of Limbs, pp. 103-04)

***

A country is something that happens to you. History is a series of thefts, or migrations, or escapes, and along the way, new bodies are added to a lineage. Someone finds a place where they think themselves meant to be, and they stop moving. Had the first job my father interviewed for come through at the start of the '80s, I would have been born in Providence, Rhode Island, instead of Columbus, Ohio, where work at the time was more plentiful. A city adorned with the name of a violent colonizer, his statue looming over the center of the downtown, his history a happening unto itself. I never asked to be in this country, or this city, of course. But what we end up with in the earliest moments of our lives can be beyond asking. I think now about the story of my two pals sitting down with their three-year-old only child and telling her that she was soon going to be the older sister to a new, younger child—the introduction of whom would require a halving of attention. The child took all of this information in, sat quietly for a moment, and then plainly replied, "No, thank you." (The Josephine Baker Monument Can Never Be Large Enough, p. 142)

***

Merry Clayton never gave birth to the baby she showed up to the studio pregnant with. Shortly after getting home from the session, she miscarried. There are those who say that the physical strain Clayton exerted in the studio contributed to the miscarriage, though she herself has never blamed the song or the Stones or the studio, which may be her way of keeping her grief her business and not aligning it with another piece of rock 'n' roll mythology. I don't know anything about what it is to carry or give life, but I know that when Merry Clayton's voice cracks in "Gimme Shelter," a part of me wants to jump as if it is the shot that begins the war itself. A part of me hears Mick shout and wants to know what he saw in that moment. A pregnant Black woman balancing on a stool, summoning all she had in order to leave behind something memorable. The backup singers, man. They get to be memorable for a few minutes at a time and forgotten in all of the minutes in between. I want to know if Mick saw every wretched tooth in the mouth of the world's most wretched beasts trembling and falling to the ground. There is some awful reckoning to be had in a song like that. Some awful things to be lived with. (I Would Like to Give Merry Clayton Her Roses, pp. 200-01)

***

I would like to give Merry Clayton her roses. I would like roses to burst forth from the walls of every room Merry Clayton is in. I would like to give roses to every singer who had a name tied up in liner notes and not on the tongues of people who sang along to their pristine vocals. I would like to bring roses to the doorstep of the house Merry Clayton walked out of at midnight in 1969 and I would like to lay roses on the stool where she sat, her pregnant belly hanging over the edge while she sang murder, murder, murder. I would like roses to come out of the ground somewhere any time a person's voice cracks under the weight of what it has been asked to carry, I would like to do this while the living are still the living, and I don't want to hear from any motherfucker who isn't with the program. I would like roses for Merry Clayton to fall from the sky whenever a gunshot echoes above and I would like roses for Merry Clayton in the hands of whoever could throw the first punch but doesn't. I want the small red fists to come from the earth and slowly open wherever Meredith Hunter's body is, or wherever his body had been. I want Merry Clayton to be as big as the Rolling Stones. I want teenagers to wear her face on T-shirts, and I mean her good face with her good afro and her fur coat and her father's eyes. I want record stores to stock the solo records of Merry Clayton in the front case and I want them to play all of the songs she sang alone, with no one else. I want enough roses to build headstones for everyone I love. I want the moment when the drums kick in on any version of "Gimme Shelter." I want that feeling in my chest to always remind me what I'd miss if it were taken from me. I want shelter, and I don't even know what that means anymore. I want nowhere, nothing sacred. (I Would Like to Give Merry Clayton Her Roses, pp. 203-04)

***

Late in 2016, after the election results had come back and the demographic voting breakdowns began to circulate, the most jarring of all the stats was that white women voted for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton at a 52 percent to 43 percent clip. Resting underneath that, however, was that Black women overwhelmingly voted Clinton, at 93 percent. A lot of the conversation centered on the intersection of gender and power, and how white women will vote in the interest of the latter if it means ignoring all else. But what also began was a groundswell of appreciation for Black women that read as disturbing to me, largely because it was rooted primarily in their ability to fix the country, or labor on behalf of a mess many of them didn't ask for. The discomfort was most visceral because a majority of people engaging in this narrative in its early stages were white, and potentially "well-meaning," but not considering what the building of those ideas might be doing. Or not considering the motives behind these actions. To shout "Black women are going to save us all!" might feel good to type out to send in a tweet, but it reads as less good when one stops to consider that Black people—specifically Black women in this case—are not here in this country as vessels to drag it closer to some moral competence. The American obsession with immorality and a willingness to push its hardest labor off on its most marginalized is integral to the Black American experience, and so it occurred to me that maybe Black women were simply attempting to save themselves. That many Black people in the country have to go to jobs they don't love, or deal with waves of microaggressions at work or at the coffee shop or at the gym, and still know that voting won't save or stop any of this but did it anyway because the bet was already bad but the dealer had the cards in his hand to make it worse, and so many of us knew it. (Beyoncé Performs at the Super Bowl and I Think About All of the Jobs I've Hated, pp. 215-16)

***

Friends, I come to you very plainly afraid that I am losing faith in the idea that grief can become anything but grief. The way old neighborhoods are torn to the ground and new ones sprout from that same ground, it feels, most days, like my grief is simply being rebuilt and restructured along my own interior landscape. There is not enough distance between tragedies for my sadness to mature into anything else but another new monument obscuring the last new monument. When the interviewers asked Buster Douglas what his plan was in 1990, days before the fight, he responded I'll just hit him, I guess. And trust, I have dragged myself back to the walls of my fears and thrown my fists into them, hoping a crack might open for the sunlight to gallop through. But it turns out I'm not the fighter I once was, and I was never much of a fighter in the first place. It turns out all of my fears have become immovable.

I am afraid not of death itself, but of the unknown that comes after. I am afraid not of leaving, but of being forgotten. I am in love today but am afraid that I might not be tomorrow. And that is to say nothing of the bullets, the bombs, the waters rising, and the potential for an apocalypse. People ask me to offer them hope, but I'd rather offer them honesty. Black people get asked to perform hope when white people are afraid, but it doesn't always serve reality. Hope is the small hole cut into the honest machinery. The milk crate is still a milk crate, but with the right opening, a basketball can make its way through. If I am going to be afraid, I might as well do it honest. Arm in arm with everyone I love, adorned in blood and bruises, singing jokes on our way to a grave. (Fear: A Crown, pp. 248-49)

***

August 2016

Young Thug is wearing a dress on the cover of his mixtape Jeffery and the Internet wants to argue about what it all means for the future of masculinity and I need a haircut tomorrow but I'm not going to the shop to hear them talk about this shit and I go because it's the only shop in town but I hate their politics but I gotta stay fly because I don't feel like myself without a fresh cut. Let me try this again. I don't feel like myself without something that makes me desirable to people I don't know, and to know this is to know that the future of masculinity is probably not in the shape people want it to be. But Young Thug is wearing an expensive dress on the cover of his mixtape, and on the Internet, there are people insisting that this will be the thing that pushes the conversation forward. Someone shares a video of Young Thug flashing guns and this is the juxtaposition: You can still be hard and wear a dress is the sentiment. I scroll through comments and see variations on this theme, but I don't see anyone mention the idea that perhaps one problem is the public's concept that the masculine antithesis to wearing a dress is showing that you are willing to enact violence. Within an hour of the cover art's release, outlets write about it, labeling the art as controversial. No one suggests that the very idea of gender norms themselves are controversial, or that any binary aggressively enforcing itself through rigid definitions is controversial. Young Thug wore a dress on the cover for a mixtape that had some good songs about that same shit Thug had been rapping about forever and no one I know really listened to it all that much because the talk about the dress eclipsed all else. About a month later, a man walked out of the train station near my apartment wearing a crop top, a full face of makeup, and tight jeans that flared wide at the bottom. The papers say he was chased by another group of men until they caught him on a corner two blocks from where I lived. He was beaten bloody by one man while the others stood over him, mocking the way he curled up in a ball while being kicked. This story made the last five minutes of the local news. I wonder what clothing masculinity could cloak itself in that might drive it further away from an obsession with dominance through violence. I don't get my hair cut for three weeks. (On the Performance of Softness, pp. 252-53)

#hanif abdurraqib #book quotes

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masha-russia · 7 years

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Hello! Can you talk to me a little bit about Valyria? Is it 100%unsavable? Anything still hiding there? Maybe some dragon eggs? I'm sure my question is answred somewhere in the books, but I've just started reading them! And I love the idea of Valyria being rebuilt.

Hello! I am sorry I took some time to answer your ask.

Look, I made this PDF document for you - the 12 pages dedicated to Valyria from The World of Ice and Fire (I created it from my own PDF file of TWOIAF so it’s safe to download). They will make you understand Valyria much better than I ever could! :) There are some other minor passages about Valyria in the book (like a description of the wars between Valyrians and Rhoynar but it’s some obscure lore for a beginner and I didn’t think you’d want that), but this is the main text about it.

I love Valyria! It was such a beautiful and modern place in comparaison to all the rest of Planetos. While the world in ASOIAF seems to be forever stuck in a sort of Early Middle Ages, Valyria's era equivalent would be somewhere in between the Renaissance and the Age of Discovery, with many aspects of ancient Rome, and of course many elements of Fantasy. Valyrians were really an advanced civilization.

At its apex Valyria was the greatest city in the known world, the center of civilization.

Apart from taming dragons, and mixing their blood with dragon's blood (the expression "blood of the dragon" is not a metaphor, Valyrians did mix their DNA with the dragons' DNA, to have a better affinity with them), they also practiced magic. We don't know much about their sort of magic, but we know that they used it to build castles and skycrapers and roads, just as they used it to forge Valyrian steel. Nobody knew how to make Valyrian steel apart from Valyrians themselves, and since the Doom the knowledge and art of it was lost. And only the most skilled armorers could hope to re-work the existing Valyrian steel (for example, Ice was re-forged into 2 new blades, Oathkeeper and Widow's Wail, but the process was difficult and the armorer couldn't achieve the coloring he wanted).

In A Dance with Dragons, Tyrion travels along Valyrian roads.

During one stop, he used the time to have a closer look at the road. Tyrion knew what he would find: not packed earth, nor bricks, nor cobbles, but a ribbon of fused stone raised a half foot above the ground to allow rainfall and snowmelt to run off its shoulders. Unlike the muddy tracks that passed for roads in the Seven Kingdoms, the Valyrian roads were wide enough for three wagons to pass abreast, and neither time nor traffic marred them. They still endured, unchanging, four centuries after Valyria itself had met its Doom.

Come moonrise, they were back in their saddles, trotting eastward under a mantle of stars. The old Valyrian road glimmered ahead of them like a long silver ribbon winding through wood and dale. For a little while Tyrion Lannister felt almost at peace. "Lomas Longstrider told it true. The road's a wonder."

Valyrians also practiced a pre-modern form of democarcy, a bit like the Roman Republic according to GRRM. They did not have a King or an Emperor, and every one had a voice, though of course some were more influential and powerful than others.

Women in Valyria were treated differently from women in Westeros - Valyria seems to have been much less misogynistic. We know it thanks to Visenya who was a warrior and who trained since very young age apparently without facing disapproval from her family; and thanks to her blade, Dark Sister, which was originally forged for a woman's hand back in Valyria - which suggest that Valyrian women could be warriors. We also know about a Valyrian woman explorer, Jaenara Belaerys, who flew on her dragon to discover the unknown lands of Sothoryos.

Jaenara Belaerys flew her dragon, Terrax, farther south than any man or woman had ever gone before, seeking the boiling seas and steaming rivers of legend, but found only endless jungle, deserts, and mountains. She returned to the Freehold after three years to declare that Sothoryos was as large as Essos, "a land without end."

The negative side of Valyria was the practice of slavery, which started following the fifth and last war between the Freehold and Old Ghis (the ancestor of Slaver's Bay). I can understand why the Ghiscari people were enslaved (they were defeated enemies, and Valyrians decided to put an end to these wars forever) though I do not support this choice, but there was absolutely no need to continue with slavery. Valyrians were already extraordinary and powerful and superior to all the rest, and they achieved their greatness through their own effort and own work, not through slaves. Slavery was a very dark chapter in the story of Valyria, and was what probably brought the Doom.

Unfortunately, I do not think Valyria could be rebuilt. I like this idea too, and after I first finished reading the novels the ending of Daenerys rebuilding Valyria was very appealing to me, but now I understand that it's highly unlikely to happen. Valyria is a shattered, ruined land of very active volcanoes, haunted by "demons", and is uninhabitable for normal humans.

This is a passage from a Tyrion's chapter, when he is sailing towards Slaver's Bay and passing well south of where Valyria once stood, 400 years after the Doom:

A dull red glow lit the sky to the northeast, the color of a blood bruise. Tyrion had never seen a bigger moon. Monstrous, swollen, it looked as if it had swallowed the sun and woken with a fever. Its twin, floating on the sea beyond the ship, shimmered red with every wave. "What hour is this?" he asked Moqorro. "That cannot be sunrise unless the east has moved. Why is the sky red?"

"The sky is always red above Valyria, Hugor Hill."

A cold chill went down his back.

And this is how the people perceive it:

Every man there knew that the Doom still ruled Valyria. The very sea there boiled and smoked, and the land was overrun with demons. It was said that any sailor who so much as glimpsed the fiery mountains of Valyria rising above the waves would soon die a dreadful death.

Whatever happened to Valyria was not only a simple volcanic eruption (like in Pompeii) - it was a much more cataclysmic event. When the spells the Valyrians used to control the Fourteen Flames collapsed, it appears that all these volcanoes exploded at once, and rained down magma and ashes and acids. Earthquakes broke the land and provoked great tsunamis that destroyed the cities.

“So those are fires of the Fourteen Flames we’re seeing, reflected on the clouds?”

“Fourteen or fourteen thousand. What man dares count them? It is not wise for mortals to look too deeply at those fires, my friend. Those are the fires of god’s own wrath, and no human flame can match them. We are small creatures, men.”

“Some smaller than others.” Valyria. It was written that on the day of Doom every hill for five hundred miles had split asunder to fill the air with ash and smoke and fire, blazes so hot and hungry that even the dragons in the sky were engulfed and consumed. Great rents had opened in the earth, swallowing palaces, temples, entire towns. Lakes boiled or turned to acid, mountains burst, fiery fountains spewed molten rock a thousand feet into the air, red clouds rained down dragonglass and the black blood of demons, and to the north the ground splintered and collapsed and fell in on itself and an angry sea came rushing in. The proudest city in all the world was gone in an instant, its fabled empire vanished in a day, the Lands of the Long Summer scorched and drowned and blighted.

And this is what happened to the Isle of Cedar, located hundreds of miles away from Valyria:

On the day the Doom came to Valyria, it was said, a wall of water three hundred feet high had descended on the island, drowning hundreds of thousands of men, women, and children, leaving none to tell the tale but some fisherfolk who had been at sea and a handful of Velosi spearmen posted in a stout stone tower on the island’s highest hill, who had seen the hills and valleys beneath them turn into a raging sea. Fair Velos with its palaces of cedar and pink marble had vanished in a heartbeat. On the north end of the island, the ancient brick walls and stepped pyramids of the slaver port Ghozai had suffered the same fate.

It does not seem to me like a salvageable place. There are a lot of things hiding there I do not doubt, from beasts like firewyrms to the remnants of Valyrian buildings and sorceries (if Euron's armor is really made of Valyrian steel, and if he really got it from Valyria as he boasts, then it's safe to say that more Valyrian treasures could be found). About dragons’ eggs I am less sure, though it is not impossible I guess (Euron, again, claims he found a dragon egg but threw it overboard in the sea “during one of his dark moods”, though he didn’t say where he found the said egg) but anyway the only dragons that will be important for the plot of ASOIAF are Daenerys’ dragons. Maybe after the War for the Dawn these potential eggs would come into play? I certainly do not want the dragons to die (a fantasy world without dragons where dragons once were is a sad world), it would be nice if Valyrian eggs could be found and hatched for the beginning of a new era of dragons. I cannot say that GRRM will go in this direction though.

I am sure we will see and learn more about Valyria in Winds of Winter! There were a lot of world-building around it and a build-up of information in the fourth and fifth novels, and a prominent villain (Euron) is heavily associated with it. I also believe that Daenerys will cross the demon-road (a Valyrian road north of Valyria that runs from Volantis to Meereen and that everyone is afraid to go to) on her way to Volantis, and maybe divert her trajectory and fly over the ruins of Valyria, if only for a short while. It would be great if she found a cache of Valyrian steel! If anyone should have a Valyrian steel armor in the story then it’s definitely her, the last true Valyrian and the last dragonrider. Not to mention that it would be very helpful in the fight against the Others! But two Valyrian steel armors may be one too many for GRRM.

We only have to wait now :)

#asoiaf meta #asoiaf #valyria #text post #minemeta #Anonymous

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biggy-habes · 4 years

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So another year came to an end. But not just the end of a year, but the end of the decade! The '10s have come to an end. With the end of every year there is always a reflection. What happened? What was great? What really sucked? What could I have done differently? What do I hope for in the new year? Well, this was not just a single year but an entire decade to process! In the past 10 years I have lived in 3 different states. I've worked 4 different jobs. And like a typical drifter, I am a bit private with my past. I seem to just appear at a new job in a new state every couple of years and apart from some lingering drama I seem to have an undisclosed past. There are many of you who did not know me before I came to North Carolina. There are quite a few of you who did not know me before I was in recovery. And only a few of you who knew me before I lived in New York (the first time). I have lived several lives and have displayed countless shades of personality. Well, here is your chance to catch a glimpse of what my life has been like. Well, for these past 10 years anyways. The ups, the downs, the shitty heartaches, and the bitchin' experiences. A lot has happened and my memory is absolutely horrible, so I will recruit the assistance of my timeline on The Facebook and a few Spotify playlists. I have added a few songs to give a soundtrack as you are reading. I carefully selected these to be specific to the time period as well as where I was during that era. So now, here is a walk down memory lane. The Tens of Haber.

I welcomed 2010 in at a 12 Step Recovery function in Lawton, Oklahoma. I had recently moved back to Lawton after spending a year working in Washington, DC. You see, I had grown roots while stationed in Oklahoma during my time in the service. Life apparently felt like that I needed a second tour, but this time as a civilian. I had carried a lot of emotional baggage with me from my year living in Maryland, and I believed that running and starting a new life was the best course of action. When I returned to Lawton I was losing my mind. I was straight off my rocker! I was at the height of one of my worst mental breakdowns. I recently moved back to Lawton, Oklahoma. By choice. From Maryland. Yeah. See the previous statement. Anyways, I was waist deep in 12 step programs and played a very active role in my local Narcotics Anonymous group. But one thing that I had always had was a weakness for women. I would fall hard for girls that I had no business being with. At this particular time I was messing around with girls from the local halfway house. And I was getting the results that you may expect. I had fallen hard for a girl named "Lori" (no need to drag her real name into this), who I allowed to tear into my life and my heart like a goddamn tornado! She had recently started coming to meetings after ending up how most addicts end up in the rooms. The courts. She was what you would refer to as "adorable". Short dark hair that seemed to reflect light with its shine. She had deep, sultry blue eyes with long, fluttering eyelashes. When she started to show attention to me I was immediately became hooked. When things came crashing down and my heart got crushed I started sliding down the slippery slope of sanity. Fortunately I had an amazing friend, Nicole, who lived in Oklahoma City. Nicole is one of the most enjoyable people that I have had in my life. We briefly dated and she has played an incredibly important role in my story! I have so many wonderful stories and experiences involving us. Stories that I will save for another post.

Anyways, Nicole and I share the same birthday, and we both love to go big so we both took a trip to Boston to celebrate my 31st birthday. As it turns out the Yankees were in town so I fulfilled a lifelong dream of watching the Sox and Yankees play in Fenway Park! We got lost in downtown Boston and had to find our way back to our hotel using public transportation in the middle of the night. Nicole, who has lived in Oklahoma all of her life, got to get a wonderful glimpse of the not-so-nice parts of South Boston. It was a great birthday weekend for the both of us.

I got back from our trip with a clear head and I decided to get my ass back in school. I remained active in my NA group (shoutout to Different Way in Lawton, OK! That place was my home for a long time!) I may appear salty sometimes when speaking of my time in NA, but recovery mad a lot of positive changes in my life. One of those changes was gracing me with the motivation to complete my Bachelor's Degree. My apartment was an 8 minute ride away from the local university (Cameron University…GO PIONEERS, BITCHES!!!). I was able to focus my energy on studying. I have always had a knack for school, and I really enjoyed studying psychology and sociology so I was easily able to focus on my schoolwork. I was working a side job as a per diem psychometrist for a neuropsychologist named Dr. Hamil. I have so much credit to give to him for taking me on as a mentor. He saw something special in me. He saw talent. And I was happy to work for him whenever he needed me to. I was taking a lot of trips to Oklahoma City for testing assignments in assisted living facilities. And to be honest I was making a decent amount of scratch doing it. Now my full time job was working with the trainees going through Fort Sill that were having a difficult time adjusting to military life. On slow days I would have plenty of opportunity to work on the testing data that I had collected over the weekend. One day while scoring testing paperwork that I had sprawled all over my desk there was a knock on my office door. It was the chief of the clinic giving a potential psych tech the grand tour. "Mr. Haber, I would like you to meet one of the interviews for the tech position." She was slim and stylish, with long, dark hair and a smile that seemed to radiate comfort. And that was the first time I laid my eyes on the woman who I would eventually ask to be my wife. She extended her warm, slender hand. "Hello! I'm Amanda."

Our first encounter was short and sweet. And to be honest, it really did not leave much of an impact. A few months would pass before I would learn that she was hired. So this would be the first time that Amanda would actually enter into my life. By the time she was hired I was back working at the main behavioral health clinic on Fort Sill. I shared an office with several other psych techs. At any one time there could be 8 or more of us fighting over a computer. I walked into the clinic and was told a crop of newbies had started. I went in to introduce myself. And there she was. I reintroduced myself and blushed a little when she told me that she remembered me from our first encounter. We commenced with the getting-to-know-you chit chat. As the weeks went on we talked more and more, and flirting began. She knew about my side job in the city and asked if she could sit in on a session with me to learn more about what I do. So one night after work her and I drove to OKC for a 4 hour testing session with an ADHD child who was bouncing all over the room. Afterwards we stopped at McDonalds on our way back to Lawton and shared a 20 piece Chicken McNugget (because yo boy Haber is classy!). I would later find out that she had no interest in learning about psychometry. She just wanted a reason to spend time with me. Anyways, while driving back I mentioned that MC Hammer was going to be at the Oklahoma State Fair and if she would like to go. And that, my friends, is how my relationship with Amanda began. At an MC Hammer concert! In TRUE Haber form!

Eventually Amanda and I started dating. And it was incredible! She was a great woman. And she was great for me. When we had met I was going through a lot of internal strife, and being with her was calming me down. That November, after discussing the idea with Amanda (and after we got back together following a HUGE argument and eventual "break") we decided to adopt a pup. I went to the pound on Fort Sill. I walked down the row of cages and looked at every one of the hopeful pups. I stopped at this scrawny auburn-colored little shit who was barking as loud as he could as he put on his meanest look. But there was something in his eyes that told me that he has been in some shit and he was just needing someone to love him. I could relate to that. I asked the Poundtender (I'm really not sure what the manager of a pound would be referred to as, so we will go with this) about him and he told me that he was surrendered by an elderly couple for being too aggressive. I asked if I could take him for a walk in the yard. I sat on the grass and reached out my hand and he timidly came over to me, not certain whether to trust me or not. This was all it took for me. On November 8, 2010, I took Fennie into my home and into my life. Which means that it has been him and I for an entire decade! Women and jobs would come and go, but he has remained by my side through all of it. He truly is my Ryde or Die!

The winter this year was unusually harsh in Oklahoma. It seemed as if at least once a week work was closed due to ice and snow. I was living in a shitty 1 BR apartment on the borders of the Lawton hood and the heat just was not capable of handling the cold temperatures for so long. There were several days where Amanda, Fennie, and I would just huddle around the fireplace and turn the oven on to keep us warm. December rolled around, and we were still in the still-kinda-dating-but-not-sure-where-this-is-going phase so I chose to spend Christmas with my family. My sister had been living in Georgia at the time and my mother had recently moved up there as well. Two days before to make the long drive to Atlanta I received a call from an old friend Jake. Jake and I had worked together at a treatment center in Tampa. He informed me that a mutual friend of ours, Emilio, was reported missing. Emilio was a gentle soul who, like most of us that got deep in the drug lifestyle, had his share of demons. But he was a kind and fair man who had a heart that was filled with love for others. He was a new daddy and one night he just vanished. While walking into Moe's to have dinner with my family Jake called to let me know that Emilio's body had been found. I will never forget that Christmas. I sat in front of my loaded burrito with a dazed feeling all over my body. Emilio was a remarkable human being, and the world lost a great man the day that he was taken from us.

2011 began with Amanda and I…well…shit was getting kinda real.

Amanda and I ended up making the decision that I would move into her apartment. The reasoning that she gave was that it would be more economical, but I am sure that her being afraid of staying at my shitty apartment played a major role. Around this time I also started getting an itch to do something more with myself. I was one year away from completing my Bachelors degree and I was starting to question what I was going to do with myself now that I had no schoolwork to complete or classes to attend. This was when the idea came to me….BAM! I am going to become Dr. Haber! So this was when I made the decision to pursue my PhD in Psychology. If I had only known how much of an uphill climb the next 3 years would be on me because of this decision, perhaps I would have reconsidered. I developed a plan of action. I would boost my vita with extracurricular positions and accolades. I was asked to join the psychology honor society and attend the Psychology Club meetings. I worked with an outstanding neuropsychologist and mentor named Dr. Jason Albano, who pushed me to be the best PhD candidate that I could possibly be. I would spend hours in his office just asking for direction and recommendations. He suggested that I take the Psychometrist Certification exam, the gold standard in the field of psychometry. Dr. Albano would help me find time to study and my colleagues were an invaluable resources.

I will get more into the certification exam. But first, I am aware that I dropped a bit of a twist earlier with the Starting Attending Mass Again comment. As you could probably deduct from my postings on The Facebook that this just ain't me! Well, let me tell you about my Catholic Jon phase. Gowing up I attending Mass every Sunday with my grandfather. This was mostly due to the fact that he would buy me McDonalds afterwards. I never really had a strong belief in a god. Even as a kid I remember reading my CCD workbook and would think "Hey, wait a second. Something does not add up." It was once I got sent to rehab that I slowly started to build a belief in a higher power. We would get taken to 12 Step meetings and I would hear everyone talk about how you can't make it in recovery without a Higher Power. So, I guess I better get one of those! So I would work with my sponsor and talk about it at meetings and eventually I had some sort of Higher Power of my own. It hit all of the qualifications that they told me. It was loving. It was forgiving. It was greater than me. Cool cool cool. Let's go full speed ahead with this whole recovery thing. It wasn’t until I started seeing a girl named Jill in Oklahoma that I was able to call it by the name God. I would attend church with her and one day I decided to go up and get "saved". And ever since then I started learning more about Christianity and my idea of God would change as I grew. I started going back to Mass after encouragement from a friend who was heavily into the Catholic Life. One thing about me is that I latch onto something and go deep into whatever that might be. Catholicism was no different. Before too long I was absorbing anything involving Catholic Dogma that I could get my hands on. Every night I would pray the Rosary. During Lent I would practice self-mortification. When Amanda and I started she started attending Mass with me and it became a fairly strong bond in our relationship. She was accepting of my zeal towards my beliefs at the time and would support me however she could. This was something that I would eventually take for granted, and what would be a major factor in the demise of our relationship.

And that is where I will end this chapter. I will get further into all of the changes that 2011 would bring. I will label this period the "Amanda Era".

Now I will say that there was a lot of heartache involved in the ending of our relationship. However, I will only write about her in a positive light. She played a very important role in my story, and there were so many great memories in my story that involved her. At this point time has faded most of the hurtful memories and the good ones are what remained. So stayed tuned for the next chapter where we will tag along with Amanda and Jon on their journeys around the country.

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